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April 30th , 2005 When my alarm clock was sounding I started to get up . I was tired , but I had to get to Pullman to go golfing with Ben . Ryan and Jen also were with us . On the first hole I teed off and hit the ball really high and about twenty feet down the green . Not a good start , but I always seem to do poorly on the first hole . My next shot flew into a tree . We did not see it bounce out . It was stuck in the tree somewhere . I could not find it and ended up dropping a ball . I got an eleven on the first hole . It did not get better after that . I was having a hard time keeping the ball doing what I wanted . A few holes I had a good drive . A couple times I was on the green in three and needed fifteen or twenty foot putts for par . I would usually three putt . On one hole I spent three shots on the fairway of another hole . Finally losing my ball around the teebox . I had to do a drop , and with the bad hits , it still took me three shots to get the ball to the green which was only forty feet away . After we were done golfing I went to Zeppoz and no one was there to play poker . It was before the opened . So I stopped by the fire station . I talked to Michael and Brian . Chuck was there and said John was going to stop by . Chuck got called to do a transfer . John came down and we played Halo Two . I was getting my butt kicked . I had never played before . After we played for about an hour or so we played cribbage . I lost at that . John had to get going , so we dealt a couple hands of Texas Hold ' em . Then we both left . I went back to Colfax and watched some TV . Around dinner time I went to Subway and brought it back to the jail . I hung out in control and operated the doors while Dale and Curtis did rounds and a booking . Then I got a phone call from Pullman Regional Hospital . A person had died . After getting some information , I confirmed with Pete we wanted to take jurisdiction . The call came in about seven o ' clock pm . I was planning on going to bed at eight because I needed to be up at four am . So I figured that plan was shot . I drove to Pullman and went to the hospital . Kimballs funeral home was there as well . I had called for them to meet me . I spoke with the family and with one of the people in on the operation . Kimball 's took the body back to the funeral home while I gathered everything I needed to from the hospital . I went to the funeral home and did my body exam there and well as photographing the body . There was a question that we wanted to do an autopsy . So we put the body in refrigeration . Then I headed back to Colfax to get the report completed . I spoke with Pete a few times about everything I had . He asked me to call the hospital and put a hold on the blood draws . I called the hospital and had them do that . I went to the SO and printed the pictures out as well as wrote up my report . Because I was going to be gone I wanted to get everything done . Dale came downstairs and we talked a little bit about car accidents and people who died in them . By the time the report was done and turned in , I would not get much sleep , so I headed back to Renton . I filled my truck and hit the road . I was doing fine for a while , but I planned on stopping at a rest area along the way to nap . I got to the one on top of Vantage hill and I was able to press on . But when I got to the one outside of Cle Elum I decided to stop . I went to the bathroom and then took a hour long nap . I woke up and hit the road again . I got home and went upstairs and went to bed at six - thirty am . I set the alarm clock for eight am . I was in for a long sleep . NOT ! April 29th , 2005 Today was the code complete day for the VI 's I have been working on . The responses are coming through to my box , but there is still a problem . But with the responses coming back I was able to do some coding and then I also made some assumptions about some of the other code following through with the code that I read . I got some stored procedures completed . One had to be made from the ground up , because the one that existed did not work . I also got the UI to work the way I wanted , but due to the fact I had to get this stuff done , I was not able to leave until almost four o ' clock pm . As it turned out we were given one more day for code complete . But it was nice to get it all done and working . I drove to Pullman and when I got to town I was on call for the coroners office . I went into the jail and hung out there and helped out a little bit with some stuff . But I was not going to stay up too late because I was going golfing in the morning . April 28th , 2005 I had practice after work today so I hung around the office until around six - thirty pm . I went to get some new stuff for softball . I replaced my longsleeve undershirt with a shortsleeve underarmor shirt . I also got a new pair of shorts to replace my ripped shorts . I got a pair of sliding shorts with a cup holder . When I was getting ready for practice I realized I got the wrong size of the sliding shorts , but I forced them on . I will probably have to buy a new pair because those ones are too small and the cup rides too low . They were pretty uncomfortable . April 27th , 2005 At work today I finished up what I started yesterday . There was a question I got answered to know what way I needed to fix a stores procedure . It turns out I had it going correctly . But I love how I have to get from one value to another . I have the number of the loan application . From that I get the loan officer 's number . Then I use that to find the loan officers ' office . I use that number to find whether a certain value is a one or a zero . Depending on what it is , it will tell the system what E - mail we should send . Jon asked if I could help him launch the boat . So I left work around three o ' clock pm . We dropped the boat into Lake Washington . We cruised around for about ten minutes . Then we went back to Jon 's and had some dinner . Logan had a baseball game . He is in the first grade . They just got out of T - ball last year and now they have a machine pitch league this year . I was the base umpire . I remember most of the things I had been taught . But I was dealing with first graders . So I was a little worried about how I should call things . Young kids seem to cry a lot . So in one inning there was a really close play at third base . When I was learning to be an umpire I was told that on the close calls you are loud and clear and I dropped the hammer and yelled " OUT ! " . After the inning was over Jon came up to me . He held his heart and laughed . He said he thought that call would have caused the first grader to cry . I started to laugh . I guess that is because I am so evil . After the game we went back to Jons . We had some ice cream and I hooked up the boat trailer to my truck and brought it to my moms house where I parked it by the shop . I went inside to watch CSI : NY . During CSI I saw a commercial for Cold Case . I was thinking about how Cold Case uses popular music from the era when they do their flashbacks . It sort of goes along with that I wrote about earlier today . April 27th , 2005 When I hear certain songs they take me back to a specific place and location in time . When I hear Cult of Personality by Living Colour I always get taken back to eighty - nine when I was driving down highway five - eighteen . I was heading towards four - oh - five going in to Tukwila . It was going to be the first day of my fire cadet training with the Tukwila Fire Department . Then there is the song Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie . That takes me to ninety - three when I was living in Stephenson East . I was also doing a radio show . That was one of the song I would play and it just reminds me of my freshman year at college . The Offspring 's song Smash takes me back to May of ninety - seven . I was in my apartment . The first time living on my own like that . I had all sorts of dishes my mom bought and I was washing all of them by hand . It was taking a long time . I did not have cable yet because I had just moved in . I just got Smash , the Album , so I listened to that over and over and over while I was working . An old one is Kenny Rogers ' Coward of the County . I was in day care at Busy Bee . The lady who drove us to Apollo everyday asked to borrow my record . It was a single with that song on it . I handed it to her one day getting into the van . I remember her putting the record in the pocket of her vest . I remember when I got it back there was a scratch on it and I was very sad about that . April 26th , 2005 I got the newest VI that was issued to me to the point where I am with the other VI . Waiting for help from the outside company . I got the stored procedures completed and the UI completed and working correctly . Now I just need to wait to get responses to do the final part of it . As I was looking through the code the real fix was actually coded into the application and I see it all over the place where I did my stuff . The problem is that is was not completed and turned on . Most of it is there though . It reminds me of the movie Total Recall where the reactor on Mars was built and never turned on . It is like that in the code many times I find things that were built several years ago , but never turned on . After I was done I headed home and looked for more people to go golfing with Ben and me on Saturday . I did not do a whole bunch at home . I got the picture loaded for the main page on the Nadirs Website . I also fixed the physical address on Joe 's Website . I watched some TV including a rerun of House that I had not seen before . I chatted with Kristine on the phone . She will be moving into my house pretty soon . We are going to exchange work for rent for a while . I need some painting done and she will do that . April 26th , 2005 So there is a story about a man names David Steeves . He was nineteen years old . He was in the trunk of his mom 's car when he called Nine - One - One in Elgin , Ill . They asked him where he was but he said he did not know he was in the trunk of a car . He at one point said " Oh my God , you gotta please help me . Please help me . Oh my God , Please help me . God . " He knew he was on South Street . The police spent about ten minutes and the chalked this up as a prank call . Sounds like a horrible and sad ending to such a young life . Then you learn more about it . He was in a drug deal and the dealers decided to throw him in the trunk , rob him , and kill him . Another case of criminal on criminal crime . Those kind of crimes that makes me just think to myself that maybe if he wasn 't doing drugs he would not be dead right now . It is the kind of thing that makes you shrug your shoulders and move on with life . Now , that the deed has been done , I hope that the murders get the death penalty . That would take care of three criminals . One has been taken care of , and the rope will take care of the other ones . I seem like I don 't care about criminals , huh ? Well , you 're right . Like Charlie Daniels said " Take a big tall tree and a short piece of rope . Hang ' em up high and let ' em swing ' till the sun goes down . " I am pretty sure I did not leave my office with my chair upside down and the papers everywhere . There was coasters everywhere and several of my items were labeled " my marky board " , " fone " , " my drinkies " , and " typewriter " . It was pretty funny . On my white board someone wrote : Todo List : Clean up CoastersPick up TapeRepair curtainFix ChairFind hidden doggie dodo We had a company meeting and were told why an employee was abruptly fired . We had some donuts and talked about a few other company news items . I spent the rest of the day looking busy . I got all my photos removed from my camera and I wanted to edit them by my computer crashes every time I open a folder with large pictures in it . I don 't know why . It has been this way for a while . Finally I gave up trying . I went home around six o ' clock pm . At home I got the Nadirs website updated and posted online . I also spent a few hours gathering pictures of the players through out the history of the team to post them on the site . I got a little over half of the people taken care of . I may have a few other pictures that need to be scanned in . I don 't think I will find them for everyone . Some people I have no way of contacting . I will spend the next few weeks attempting to contact everyone I can . April 24th , 2005 What a day for softball ! I got up this morning and I was tired , but I pushed forth . I got in my truck and whisked myself away to Renton . When I got home I got ready for softball and headed to Sea - Tac . I had three games today and I wanted to have some fun . The sun was shining and I would be able to use my Synergy II . I hit the road and cruised home . I was a little on the tired side . When I got home I changed into my softball uniform and headed to SeaTac . I was early so I hung out and watched some of the other games . Then the rest of the team started to arrive and we did some work outs as a team . The coach wanted us all to do stuff together today . After warming up we had our first game . I was hitting the ball really well today . I only made one out today and that was in the third game . In the first game I crushed one . It felt so smooth going off the bat . It was an inside the park homerun . We won that game . I played on firstbase and then I pitched two innings . The second game we were worried about the team manager challenging me so I toned down the hitting and got a lot of singles in that game . We again won it . We had an hour break . So I took the time to lay down and rest . One of the guys on the team brought some chicken for everyone . I had a couple pieces and then we went to get ready for our last game . In my first at bat I had another inside the park homerun . It was all the way to the fence , after the bounce and roll , on a three - hundred - and - fifteen foot fence . It was this game where I made an error at first base that allowed the inning to extend longer . The other team was winning going into the last inning . We were at the bottom of the batting order . The guys started to hit and we strung a lot of hits together . We had two outs and I was on - deck . I was hoping for one more hit . But instead the guy who was hitting third got a great hit and two people scored . That was the game winning hit . So I did not get my last at bat . It seems like I have been on - deck for either the last out of the game or the game winning hit . We are now five and one on the season and are tied for first place in the league . April 23rd , 2005 I had two events planned for today . One was the post - season softball party for the Nadirs and the other was being the PA for the Thunder . The morning started off with a couple phone calls . Then at ten am I got up and started to get ready for the party . We were meeting at Zeppoz at noon . I got up and got all my stuff for the football game and the post - season party gathered and ready to go . I went to Zeppoz a little early to make sure we could get a big table . When I got up there it was empty . I was about fifteen minutes early . Soon the others started to filter in . I had some pizza and finger steaks ready to eat . I also had three pitchers of beer and some pop . As more people get there the food and beer quickly disappeared . So I ordered some more with the remainder of the money . I got some photos of the rookies as well as the guys who will be leaving the team after graduation . I had a few beers with the rest of the team . I also met one person who will probably play with us next season . He came along to hang out as well . When the party was over , about two hours later I headed to Moscow for the football game . I met with the Yakima Manager to get the pronunciation for some of the players taken care of . I also learned about some new Thunder players . I pulled out my laptop and found I left the power cable at home . Luckily I had extra batteries . I got the text files updated . I got the PA room opened and set up in there . I saw that Wally , from last years team was at the game . I went down to the seats to see him . I was David come in . He is the barefoot kicker for the team . He was limping . He hurt himself in a rugby game earlier in the day , so he would not be able to play . The game got going and in the middle of the first quarter my computer shut down . So I had to restart it . In the mean time I used the paper sheets to announce the game until the computer was running again . I put in a second battery in the DVD slot . But it did not make the battery life get better . I pulled it out and found that that battery was nearly dead . So I put in the other battery . That raised the battery life . I also turned down the contrast and closed the lid during the longer breaks to make it last as long as possible . Yakima was undefeated going into this game and beat the Thunder pretty easily . We scored a few times , but not enough . The replacement kicker did not have the leg that David did , so Yakima had better ball position all the time . After the game I gathered my stuff . I got some dinner and headed home . I met to go to bed earlier that I did , but I could not get myself to find the bedroom right away , I chose to watch some TV first . April 22nd , 2005 Today started out with my last day of work for the week . I went into Pullman . Ryan and I met up for lunch at Pizza Pipeline . After I got off work I went to Colfax . I hung out at the fire station for a while . I sorted through my change that I had on my night stand . I had more then one hundred bucks . I got it all rolled up . I grabbed the pizza from Bulldog pizza near the meeting time for the Coroners meeting . I went to the Coroners office and saw Kris from District Court . We chatted for a few minutes . She asked how I like life and about my job . Pete arrived and I went inside just ahead of him and set the pizza in the office . I got some plates out and he asked where Patti was . Finally he called her house and found out she thought the meeting was on Saturday . So Pete and I met and ate pizza . We talked about a few cases . I asked Pete his advice about my ankle and the pain I still get from it . He said I should go see Pennington about it . After the meeting I went to the fire station . Carl was working with Dan to redo the computer . I hung out there for a few hours hoping that we would get a card game going . It turned out there was no game . I was planning on heading home and going to bed because I was getting tired . Ryan called and said Haymon was in town . I knew he was coming , but I did not expect him until Sunday . He got in early . He said I should meet up with them . At first I was not going to go , then I decided to go . As I was heading to Pullman I remembered about the After - Party Nic was throwing . I was thinking about going there too . I arrived at Rico 's . I saw Neil outside . I followed him inside but he was too far ahead of me . He went upstairs . Then into the bathroom . I thought at first they may have all been playing pool . So I sat outside the bathroom waiting for him . Haymon walked up the stairs then saw me . He got really big eyes and smiled big . He came over and said hello and gave me a handshake and a hug . After he went to the bathroom I followed him down stairs . I sat at a table with Ryan , Moe , Haymon , Neil , and a few other people for a while . Haymon was going to get a round a beer and asked if I wanted anything . I said a water . Then he gave me a look . So I said I would have a Coors Light . I drank that down and people were getting ready to head out . Our plan was to get someone from another bar and go play cards . The game would be Killer Uno . We were also going to get some beer from the store . Once outside of Rico 's I had them line - up for a photo - op . We left to meet at the Coug . I went inside first . The others had not arrived yet . So I got a glass of beer and walked away from the crowd . I got bumped in the process and spilled beer all over my shirt . The I worked on drinking it while the other arrived . Ryan and I went outside . The Coug is a big - time Greek bar . It is all sorts of better - than - thou people that hang out there . After one person was missing inside , Haymon , was a one - man search party to find the person . We got her and then headed to Shakers where the person we were looking for was located . We walked to Shakers , another Greek bar . When we went inside and I told Ryan to keep up with the others . He failed in doing so and we lost them through the crowd . Finally we made our way downstairs . They walked out to the dance floor . I did not want to push my way through the crowd so I waited near the stairs and the pool table . I saw Pete from WSU Fire there . He said hello to me . Ryan went to look for the others . He located them around the corner and they found the guy , Lars , that they were looking for . While Ryan was gone I saw Jory from the softball team . He said hello and then asked if I was married . I told him I wasn 't . He said " great , let 's go pick up some chicks . " I laughed and he did too . Then I told Jory I needed to go meet up with my group of people . It was near closing time . Moe gave me half of his rum and Coke that he had . I drank that and we walked outside . I headed from my truck and they headed for the cars . We were going to go to Dissmore 's before they stopped serving alcohol . We got down there in time . They got three half - racks of beer and I got something to eat . Moe rode with me to Waller . I dropped him off at Waller . Then I parked my truck by the hospital . I walked up to Waller and they said that Haymon remember he had a hotel room we could use to drink and play cards rather than sitting around in the Waller library . We drove to the Holiday Inn and Haymon checked into his room . We walked up there and no one really drank any beer . In fact we never opened the brand new decks of Uno cards we purchased at Dissmores . Instead we spent the next two hours telling jokes and talking about some sex stuff . One girl was talking about what men and women like in terms of sex and how it changes with age . Then Neil said something about Russell being gay . I played stupid and Ryan and I kept making them feel dumb because they would show some of the " evidence " that Russell was gay and we would give an example of someone else doing that thing and asking if that person was gay as well . That went on for a while . We laughed so hard that my kidneys felt like they had been used as a punching bag for the evening . I took some pictures and videos while in the room . Around four o ' clock AM Haymon was pretty much out . The others were starting to fade . So , we all left . We walked to the cars . As Ryan was talking to me we was not watching where he was walking and bashed his knee into the hitch on my truck . I was laughing hard about that as well . It was a fun night and to think I was ready to go home at ten o ' clock PM . April 21st , 2005 Ryan and I met up at lunch yesterday and ate at Basilio 's . He also gave me half the money for the parking permit . I did the normal stuff at work trying to get this stuff figured out . At five o ' clock I got a pizza and went to Russell 's for movie night . We were going to watch Get Real and Beautiful Thing . Several family members came over to watch them as well . Steve , a friend of Nick 's also came over . After the first movie most of the people left . Nick , Steve , and I watched the second movie . Then Steve asked how I am a conservative / Republican gay man . I started to explain my underlying beliefs and how those translate into aligning with the Republicans . I guess you could say that we are , but not always for the same reason . But the ends are the same , and the means of getting to the end I would like to see is in the pathway of the Republicans . April 20th , 2005 I was excited for this evening to come . The Nadirs were back in the playoffs and we were playing Below Me . We beat them in the regular season sixteen to six . Ryan and I spent part of the trying to figure out a line up and playing positions for everyone . It took a while to hammer it out and see what we could come up with that would be fair to as many people as possible . I spent some time also trying to debug the negative rental income I am working on . It took a long time to find a spot it would break for me . Finally I found it . So I started to step through the process . I think I found where one problem is . I just have to continue to step through it and see what else is going on . So I recorded some of the information in the journal I have . Finally at four o ' clock I started to get ready for softball . I was putting on my ankle brace and one of the laces broke . I was mad . I have to fix it . The lace is located near the bottom , so I had to do some fancy stuff so it would get tight when I lace it up . Then I drove to the field . Ben and Ryan were there and Oly also showed up . We walked to our field . I was pulling on the shoe lace on my cleats . The eyelet in the shoe broke . I yelled out in frustration . Both problems were on my left foot . We threw the ball around to warm up . Ryan brought the line - ups and fielding positions he printed out . I got the line ups written down and informed everyone of their fielding positions . Ryan went out for the coin toss . He lost so we were the away team . We went to work right away . We scored four runs right away . I had a stand up triple . In their half of the first inning they scored two runs . We had the lead going into the bottom of the third inning when they scored four runs . There was a ball that Ben ran down in the outfield . It appeared that the ball was out of play when he touched it . But the umpire said it was fair . So the ball was thrown in and people were arguing with the umpire and not making the play . They scored an extra run because of that . Both teams were scoreless in the forth . In the fifth , they scored another run and were ahead of us seven to four . We were in the top of the sixth inning . That is the last inning of an Intramural game . We needed three runs after having been held scoreless for four straight innings . We went out there and finally started to hit a little bit . We scored two runs on a hit by Ryan , and then they threw the ball out of play allowing one more run to come in . We tied it up . Then we made the final out . They went up in the sixth and we held them scoreless . So it was off to extra innings . During the game while Bryce was playing second base he ran with his back to the infield to make a juggling catch of a ball . It was great . Later Ryan , while at second , did a long run and caught one over his head . We get through the seventh and eighth inning scoreless . In the top of the ninth , we finally broke it open with two runs . They took their at bat and scored one with an out . Then they had two on base with two out . Rudolph was playing right field . The other outfielders were all playing in left field , because we had a rover going . The ball was driven deep to right - center . Rudolph got on his horse and ran like crazy . He back was to the infield the whole time . I did not think he would get to the ball . With two outs the baserunners were running for home . If the ball got on the ground there would have been no time for a play at home . They would win the game and eliminate us from the playoffs . I sat there thinking we were done for . Then with his back to the outfield Rudolph made a diving catch and caught the ball ! The team cheering and ran to right - field to meet up with him and give him props . It was in many ways like winning the whole thing for us . We battled andwh battled . We made some good defensive plays and finally the game was won with a catch that would have been on ESPN had it been recorded . After that game we got a team picture taken . Then we played the Longballs . It was a bad game and we lost after only getting three hits . But in many ways , winning the whole thing would have been cool , but compared to the first game , anything else would have been anti - climatic . April 19th , 2005 Today was my first day working from Pullman . I got into the office and got the VPN set up and signed into my computer . At first I was using terminal services . Then after Ryan and I met for lunch at Pizza Pipeline , I went to the MSFT site and found they have a Remote Desktop application for Windows Two - Thousand . I got it installed and it is much better than terminal services . After I was done working for the day I went to Colfax for fire training . It was my first one in about six months . It was good to see people . We did some hose evolutions . There was a new guy there . I showed him a few things about the hoses and flaking them , and putting the together . I sprayed a little bit of water and helped reload the hose . Then I went into the day room and watched House with Ken . After House was over I went to the jail . I had to take my ACCESS re - cert test . I got one - hundred percent on it . I hung out at the jail until just after midnight when I finally went home to go to sleep . April 18th , 2005 I did not go to Pullman last night because I wanted to stay up late , so I decided to go into the office today . Before I could do that I had to go clean the doggie doo - doo from the yard . Once I was done I loaded my truck and headed off to work . I worked with Miki a little bit with the information I found on Friday . She is going to work with Dexma on that . While that is happening I am stuck on the issue . A couple of us went to Red Robin for lunch . I got a chicken sandwich . We chatted about personal stuff . I mainly listened in on what they were talking about and checking out one of the ten - six - seven waiters . After we got back I sat around the office getting stuff ready to be in Pullman . I got the next issue I need to work on all printed out . I filled my water bottles and then headed to get some gas . Then I was on my way to Colfax . I got into town a little after six o ' clock pm . I decided that I would go work at the jail . I got my uniform on and grabbed some lunch at Arby 's . I went to Control and ate it real quick . We had three people to get booked into the jail . I started to help Dale out with those . Then we started on the third person . But there was only computer work to do . So I got a crew of inmates and we did some cleaning around the jail . I had the halls swept and mopped on the top and bottom floor . I also had the windows washed and walls cleaned where they were dirty . I found out that one of the guys in my crew was going to be going to AA . So , while I was in the male work release unit I was going to get another person to help out . One young kid was playing ping pong . Then he stopped me to let me know that the visiting booths were really dirty and the windows had hand marks and other marks all over them . Sounds like a volunteer to me . So I had him come along . I think that he will think twice about telling me or any other officer where we need to have cleaning done . When we were done with the jail . I had them sweep and mop the stairs going to the basement . They were in really bad shape . When the was done I went back to Control and rested for a little bit . My ankle is still tender . Around eleven o ' clock pm a deputy was coming in with a warrant arrest from Pullman . It was an eighteen year - old man . He stole some checks and was trying to pass them off . Have I said how much I hate a thief ? When I was done I took him to the green unit and then I remember I did not give him a chance to make some calls . I took him back into booking for that . By then it was after midnight . So I had Dale watch him . I was ready to head home . April 17th , 2005 Today is exciting for me . It is opening of the Season for the Maulers . We have three games today . From the practice from the other night we were not looking too awesome . We are still working to get to our mid - season form . I slept in a little better than yesterday . But I think the work on the bathroom woke me up again . I helped to get the new bathroom cabinet upstairs . Then I started to get my uniform ready for softball . I decided to do something I have not done in YEARS . That was not wear my Philosophy shirt under my uniform . I did not wear it for two reasons . One I have been having a bad softball season with the IM 's . Two is because under my new uniform it would be visible with all the holes in it because my new uniform has micronetting type stuff so it is cooler , but it is more or less see through . I got to the field and got my batting bag . It is heavier than I remember . I lugged it to the playing area and got my cleats on . We did some team warm ups and stretching . Then we started to throw the ball and hit the ball . Our first game was against a new team . They beat us seven to eleven . They were getting free - outs . It was not good . One inning we should have had three outs in three batters , but instead they scored several runs on us . Our hitting was not great either . I hit clean - up for the team and I think I got two at bats . We had an hour off . I watched a couple teams in our league . Neither team had a pitcher who could get the ball across the plate . While I was watching the game Mike called me . He said they need a pitcher for his sisters team . That is the same team that Gary is on I believe . In the next two games I did a lot better than the first game . I pitched a few innings and played first base in other innings . I was hitting the ball well . I had one ball that I crushed to deep left field . Somehow the left fielder ran that ball down and at the last minute just stuck his glove in the air . The ball just fell into his glove . We ended up winning the last two games , so we are two and one on the season . I went home with an ankle that was a little bit on the sore side . I decided that I was not going to go back to Colfax tonight because there was no fire training in Pullman and I wanted to sleep in a little bit and stay up late tonight . I got home at dinner time . I ate dinner and helped to clean up . Then I watched TV for most of the rest of the evening letting my ankle recover from the day of fun . April 16th , 2005 I made plans to go riding with Joe tonight . We were going to have a BBQ as well . I got ready and got on the road and headed to Joe 's place in Bellingham . On the way I stopped at Chucks Donut shop and when I was getting in my truck my pants which has a small slit near the pocket ripped and became big . So when I got to Joe 's I used my duct tape to fix the hole . We decided to go to Billy McHales rather than having a BBQ . So we ate and chatted for a while . When we got back to Joe 's I watched some TV while he changed and got ready for work . We got going . He got his car ready for me . He normally has some of his stuff in the passenger seat . So it was put in the trunk . We took off and began patrolling . One of the stops was to arrest someone for breaking a window the night before . We stopped in this trailer park . There were cats all over the place and they were all walking over Joe 's car and one of the other deputies who came to help him . We took the lady to jail . I got to see how the initial booking process worked . Joe wrote the PC sheet right there and we left . We went to the satellite office where Joe did more paperwork on the arrest . Then we got going again . We cruised around and radared cars as they drove by . A call came in for a domestic . We went code to the scene and hit a possum along the way . When we got to the scene the people had already left and we did not do much more there . Then a call came in for a guy who had a few people in his house trying to get him . We went code to the scene and as we were getting close we were told the people left in a black truck . A black truck passed us so we turned on it . It quickly turned into a driveway and they guys got out . Joe pulled in and stopped them . They talked for a while as other patrol cars showed up . Then we learned the " victim " owed money to this guy . The guy would not say what the money was given for . Through the conversation it became clear it was for drugs . So Joe told the two passengers who were both under - eighteen that hanging around with a twenty - six year old is not a good idea and they are just looking for trouble . But they are hanging out with him because he gets them alcohol and drugs . After that call we drove the south end of the county for a call about a beaver the size of a boulder in the middle of the road , dead . We got on scene and Joe used a metal pole to roll it off the road . He drove me around that area a little bit . But it was close to two o ' clock am and I was getting really tired . I was woken up early this morning by the construction on the bathroom after having stayed up until after four am last night . So I called it a night . April 15th , 2005 I was doing well at work today . I started with a brunch for a birthday celebration for someone at the company . We went to the Brown Paper Bag or something like that in Redmond . The portions were huge and I was unable to eat it all . The same was the case with everyone else . Then I started to get real work done . I was getting closer and closer to figuring out the problem with Dexma not responding to my computer . First off actually I needed to know if they requests were getting out . They were . Then I had to figure out if the problem was the outside not being able to get to my computer . It turned out it was able to . I put a stop in the ASP code and ran a report . Within a few minutes it started the debugger . So I knew it was getting to my computer . I spent time stepping through things and looking at the data to see why it was not working . I think I finally isolated the problem . I have a theory that my problem is also the same problem on production . If that is the case I would have figured out a major problem we have , up to this time , been unable to figure it out . With not being able to do anything further because it was after five o ' clock pm , and all the people I would need were gone , so I went home . I watched the Mariners and had dinner . Then I watched Mr . Deeds . I planned on staying up late so I could be less tired for the ride along with Joe tomorrow . I got some money from the bank and went to Diamond Lil 's . I got on a four - eight table . It was a really cool table . People were having a good time . I went up more than a hundred bucks . Then I had a ten and something in my hand . The board had a pair of tens and a pair of nines , giving me the third best hand , but because I had a ten , I actually had the second best hand . Only a pair of nines , for quads would beat me . After a fair amount of bets and raises to get to that point , I lay down my ten and this girl lays down a pair of nines . She beat me . So I was dwindling down a little bit . I got back to my original buy in and then I went down a little bit from there . A guy came to the table . He was a ten - six - seven , but could have been better off with a hair cut . There was something about him made me keep my eye on him most of the time he was there . I am not sure what it was , but he kept my attention . So I am in the big blind and I get dealt a four - five off suit . Just on a whim I raise . Several people stayed in . The flop was a two - three - six . That gave me nut straight . There were bets and raises . Then on the turn there was an ace . It did nothing to weaken my hand . So I still raised . I was hoping for a card that would not make a flush happen . And something that would not ruin my straight by making a bigger one . A queen of spades came out . That sealed the deal . I bet and one person called . He had put me on pocket aces or something like that because I had raised before the flop . He was shocked to see what I raised on . I was laughing . I won more than two hundred bucks on that hand . It was awesome . I played until around two - thirty am . The table started to break up . The workers split our table and sent people to other tables . So I took that opportunity to go home . I wanted to stay up a little bit later because I was trying to sleep in a lot on Saturday so I will not be tired when I got on the ride along . I got home and watched some TV before I actually did go to sleep , which was around four o ' clock am . April 14th , 2005 After spending a fun - filled day trying to figure out how to get Dexma to respond to my computer and getting the final touches on everything , I left the day without anything working . I did get the latest changes to FootballPA completed . I have the offense indicator that will start the cursor in the correct box . After work I went home and got my softball stuff put on . Then I headed to Auburn to pick up Mike . He seems to think I am gay for some reason . Mainly because I am playing in a gay softball league . I keep side - stepping the question . Only one person in my class from high school knows and I want to leave it that way for now . I don 't think there would be real harm in him knowing , but I still don 't want him to know . So when I picked him up he said " okay … now come clean . " After side - stepping the question we headed for Woodland Park . At practice Mike did really well , and he showed the coaches that he would be too highly rated to play on the team . So he would not be able to play with us . I took him home and then I went home myself . I chatted with Ryan about the Mariners big ten to two victory and we also talked about CSI that I has missed . I did not get home until close to eleven o ' clock PM . I watched the news and the Simpsons before finding my way to bed . April 13th , 2005 Today the table is completed and I was able to test it . But before I could test it I had to figure out why my XPA application was not working . I put a stop in the ASP code and stepped through it . It took just under an hour to finally step through all of it . It was long . I did not see why it was happening at first . Then later on I got an idea to search for the error message text . When I found it I saw where the problem was happening . So I put a stop in there . I stepped through it and read what was going on with a watch . There was a problem with an Extended Stored procedure . I got that taken care of and then it was working . I ran a test and my new table was working . The problem I was now having is I needed to get the Fannie Mae Case File ID to get updated upon return . So I had to figure out where that was coming from . That was a long process . I had to go through a few components before I found it . I traced it to a stored procedure . I put some code into that SP and it should save the data , but I need to test it . To test it I need to be able to see the outside world with my box . The guy who I need to do that was gone for the day . That was okay because it was about six pm . So I left to go home myself . At lunch today I found out that Terry would be leaving the role as CTO and going to architect . He will be working from home from now on . We were going to have a pizza meeting at work to discuss that with the company . We will hire someone to replace Terry . I hope whomever we get will let me start to work from Pullman . That should be soon . * crosses fingers * . Terry and I threw the baseball around a little bit while we were waiting for the pizza to come . I was okayed to work from Pullman all next week . I am stoked about that . I hope that I can show that I can work from home just fine and they will allow me to do so in the future . I went home and we had pizza there for dinner . It was good . After dinner I worked on the FootballPA for a bit . I was trying to implement some of the ideas I got from the game while I was using . One is for a tab - like button to move from field to field using a key on the ten - key . That way I can do it all with one hand . I also wanted the text to be high - lighted when entering the field if there was text in it , so I would not have to delete text . Lastly , I wanted to add something that would allow the cursor to start in the field of the team that was on offense . I got the code for the highlighting online . Jon sent me the code for the tab - like workings . But I could not get them to actually work . April 12th , 2005 I got a fair amount of stuff figured out with the problem of the XPA application . We need to store the data in a new table and then it can be kept as a historic look at the data that was entered when the pre - approval letter was given . The problem is now that when the application changes the letter goes away and we want it to stay , but with the old data . I could stop the letter from going away , however , the data could be changed when the application changes . So it did require the new table . I got that figured out . Then I started to look for the place the data was actually stored into the database from the XPA application . It took a while to sort through all our stuff to find it . When I finally came across it , I was ready to go home . So I marked my place and took off . At home after dinner I watched House . They have a new character on the show I do not like to much . He takes away from the show . So , I think I will be happy to see him go . I looked at some stuff online and according to what I found he will be off the show pretty soon . April 11th , 2005 With the new week I now have a new project that I am working on . It is one that I spent most of the day trying to run down and figure out how the thing works . It was slow going at first as it always is when I first get going on something . On my way home I called Mike about playing softball on the Maulers team . He asked if I was gay . Because he does not understand why I would keep playing in the league . I side - stepped the question . Only Matt from my high school friends knows I am gay , and I will leave it like that for a while . I told him that I want to play softball and if he can find me another team I will play on it , but until then I am going to play ball with these guys . I talked him into coming out and practicing with us . I hope that he will work out . I got home and worked on a problem with the credit cards on the Janders site . It is not taking payments like that . I am not sure why it popped up , but there was a problem with the SQL statement . There were also some other problems that related to that elsewhere . I spent a while trying to run down all the problems . Finally I was able to figure them all out . For a while I was getting mad because I could not get it working correctly . I went to the fire station and talked with Carl a little bit . The people showed up for the Hazmat class . I took off and went home . I watched some TV and relaxed waiting for game time . Once it got close to five o ' clock pm I got my uniform on and then headed to Pullman . I got the fields and waited for the others to show up . We had two games today . But we were informed that one team did not show up . So we were going to get a forfeit . We played the first game and we could not get a rally going . I had the best hitters at the top of the order and no one was hitting . So we lost four to two . We turned in some great defense . We had a double play that went five - four - two . Then we had back - to - back - to - back six - five plays that stopped runs from scoring . But we still ended up losing . Then the second game was a forfeit like we had been told . The Longballs had a forfeit as well . We played a scrimmage game against them . We took them deep twice and held them to one long ball . We beat them four to two . It was funny because we always beat them in games that don 't matter and lose when it does matter . April 9th , 2005 This morning started off with meeting Ben at the Colfax Golf course for a golf tournament . It is a scramble and I am playing on Ben 's team . I am not that good and he is really good , so I am surprised he asked me to play . I feel bad for the other guys on the team . I hope that I do not hold them back . Ryan from the softball team and a guy named Mike were the teammates . We started on the sixth hole . The problem is that we had to use four drives from each person on the eighteen holes . I don 't have a great drive so I was hoping to do well on the short holes so the team would not be handicapped by my short drives . We used one of my drives on the first eleven holes . So on the final seven we had to use three of mine . I was worried about it . But it turned out I had two great drives in a row . I had a two - hundred and twenty - five yard drive followed by a two - hundred - fifteen yard drive . On one short Par four Ben drive to the green in one . We were about twenty feet or so out . I took the first put and sank it for the Eagle ! I was really happy about that . We ended with a four under and ended up in fifth place . Last time Ben 's team took first place . But I don 't think I really handicapped the team that much at all . We won some prizes . I got a three pack of golf balls . Colfax Police Officer Nebe and the Steer While we were on the course around the second hole I looked over and a steer was running on the course . Ben got some pics . It was running around and Bryce from Colfax PD tried to get it back to the slaughter house . The steer had nothing to do with that and ran across the course and across a green leaving hoof prints all the way across it . When we got to the seventh hole we heard a gunshot come from the neighborhood to the South . A tiny bit later we saw the steer run back really close to the ninth hole that we were on . It was bleeding and pretty mad at that time . It ran past the ball that Mike drove on the ninth hole and got some blood on the ball . I went home and grabbed my computer and stuff for the football game . I called Ryan twice and left messages . He never answered his phone nor returned my messages . I am disappointed that Ryan is not willing to help me when I need him . I made my way to the Kibbie Dome . After the eighteen holes of golf my ankle was really sore . I was hobbling everywhere . I got my computer set up and got the final touches on the teams ' roster text files . I got the script for the game . I was going to have to do it on my own today again . But I am hoping with my FootballPA application that I will be able to do it . Brian 's , the teams ' PR guy , brother was going to ask his girlfriend to marry her at half time . We set up a screen to read out " Lisa , will you marry me ? " At half time I made an announcement that there was a special message on the screen . I never heard what the answer was because Brian 's brother never showed back up to the stats booth where he did stats . So I am not sure if things went well . I am sort of thinking they did not go well . I was able , with the help of the FootballPA do the game by myself . For the most part I was able to keep up with things and did a good job I believe . I made notes of things I would like to change about it to make it easier to use for the next time . After the game I got some dinner and drove to Colfax . I dropped some stuff off at the coroner 's office and then went to control and talked to the guys up there for a tiny bit . I was tired so I went home and watched some TV before falling asleep . April 8th , 2005 On my way into work I was thinking about the FootballPA application I created . I was thinking about a way of making it work a little better . When the players ' numbers are entered it would display the players ' names and also clear out the entry box as well as put focus back on the first box . That was the clear button would not have to be clicked between plays . When the next numbers were entered it would clear out the output boxes before displaying the new information . Following that I went to lunch with Ricky . We got some subs . I went back and started to chow on it . That I realized it was mom 's weekend . That means the roads will be filled with slow moving cars . It was not too bad until I was around mile post eighty . Then it started to get thick . I was able to pass the cars pretty easily . I finally arrived in town and then headed to Pullman . Ryan and I were going to see Sahara . They were talking with Steve Zahn on K - Rock this morning about the movie . It turned out to be a good movie . There is a lot of room for a sequel to this one . I asked Ryan if he got my message about helping me at the football game . I still had not been able to find anyone . The reason Ryan doesn 't want to do it is because he does not think he will have fun . He does not see it as helping a friend in need . It is about him . After the movie I saw a couple Pullman Fire Reserves and a Colfax Volunteer going to see the same movie . Ryan and I went to get a pizza and then to his place . He rented National Lampoon 's Golddiggers . That had a few laughs but over all was a painful movie to watch . Following the movie I headed home . April 7th , 2005 I started out with an idea and by the time I went to bed it was a version one - point - oh really . The idea was to have a computer application that I could type in the numbers of a football player or players into a home team and away team text box . It would then print out the names of the players I needed to read off . It would give their number , name , and phonetic pronunciation if it is a hard one . This will make it easier for me rather than looking up numbers on two lists , trying not to lose my place and announce them . Now it will all be in one place . I was last thinking of added a little yardage calculator that I could use to type in where a play started and ended for long plays and it will quickly tell me the yardage . It would have a button that would tell the computer the user crossed the fifty - yard - line . That will be an upgrade . So far what I have is the simple form and a simple way of running it . It will read in text files , but they have to be formatted just right . I thought about using XML but I figured it would be easier to work with text files rather than XML because they are being built by hand . Maybe a future improvement will allow a copy and paste from something like an Excel spreadsheet that will have all the data there and then simply save as a text file . Then it would format the textfile for me . One other nice thing would be to read in a file and tell it to print it out on a legal size sheet of paper so I always have a paper backup just in case something goes down on the computer . So when I got home from work Jon helped me out with some things to tie together the loose ends . It is working and ready for use this Saturday . I hope it will work like I want it to . April 6th , 2005 I spent some time chatting with Joe online today . The plan after work was to go to Microsoft and listen to a talk on best practices . It turned out to be more or less a waste of time . I did not walk out of there knowing anything of importance . Finally I watched SouthPark and watched the boys trying to lose at baseball because they did not want to play . But the other teams were in the same boat . And the other teams were better at losing that SouthParks ' team . I went to the baseball field . I helped to line the field first . Then I worked with the boys . I did grounders to the second baseman who would throw it to first . But these are all first graders so it is pretty hard to keep their attention . Like Jon said it is like herding cats . The game started and I hung out in the outfield helping the kids stay focused and telling them where to throw the ball when a play happened . I also played first base coach . It is funny these kids have such a different level of experience and ability . When the game was complete I went home and got some dinner . I watched House and I tried to watch Deadwood , but I was so tired I kept dozing off . I finally decided to call it a night and went to bed . April 4th , 2005 I woke up before five o ' clock am today so I could get a few things completed before Ryan and I were to meet up at Rosauers . I went to the coroners office and checked out the new computer in the coroners office . It is a four - hundred MHz system . Pete wanted me to see if it would work for what we need . It needs a CD - burner and a card reader but it should do okay . It is maxed out with two - hundred - and - fifty - six meg of RAM . So it is slow , but for what we need to do that should be okay . I went to Rosauers and I was ahead of schedule so I got an omelet for breakfast . Ryan showed up and he grabbed a donut . I ate and then we headed out . I had my personal radios so we could talk . He kept up with me just fine . We cruised across the state talking about everything . When we got into Bellevue he followed me to my work . I made him instructions on how to get back . He was going to meet me at noon for the Mariners game . Terry gave me permission to skip a meeting so I could hit the game . I spent some time at my desk working until a little after noon . Ryan showed up and we headed out . I was in my truck and he drove his car . We planned on going to the Bellevue Park and Ride and going from there . But it was packed so we went to the Factoria Mall . I parked my truck and got in with Ryan . There was a lot of traffic on I - ninety when we got close to the field so we went South on I - five . But it was not much better on the surface streets . Finally after finding no free parking and no place to park for pay , we drove to the Seahawk Stadium parking garage . We parked there and got inside about ten minutes before game time . We missed the Presidents of the USA concert , but we did see the salute to the ninety - five season and we saw Edgar throw out the first pitch . In the first inning Sexson hit a three - run homerun . In the third he hit a two run homerun . That was all the Mariners scored . Jamie Moyer pitched really well and got the win . The Mariners beat the Twins five to one . Then we left and got a polish sausage for each of us . They were pretty spicy . When we got back to Ryan 's car at the top of the parking garage we sat there for a while . Ryan talked on the phone and I took two more pictures . I had a water . We thought about waiting for the traffic to settle down but I said we would be better off going . I expected to sit for an hour to get out . It only took about fifteen minutes . Then we got on I - ninety and cruised to the Factoria Mall . I got my truck and headed home . Ryan called and said his parents wanted me to go to dinner with them . But they were eating back at Factoria and they were all there . I said that I was pretty much home and my parents were expecting me for dinner there . Before the game Boone was given his Gold Glove Award . Edgar throws out the first pitch . It was a little outside . Jamie Moyer throws the 1st pitch of the 2005 season . It was a ball . Ichiro gets his and the Mariners ' first basehit of 2005 . A single to right . A Moyer pitch is fouled off . You can see the ball above the hitter . Richie Sexson hits his first homerun as a Mariner . The first Mariner homerun of 2005 and earns the first Mariner RBI 's of 2005 . You can see the ball near the first base line . The ball went out in left field over the hand operated score board . Sexson comes around after his homerun . Sexson stats . Including his 1 . 000 batting average . Sexson 's second at bat and second homerun . You can see the ball above the umpires head . The ball went out in dead center field near the 405 mark . Sexson touching home after his homerun . Sexson 's stats , including his two homeruns , five RBI and 1 . 000 batting average . Everyday Eddie comes in to finish the game . The final score of the first Mariners win in 2005 . April 3rd , 2005 I was woken up to a EMS call . I rushed to the station and made the call . It was a lady who was sick . After the call I hung out at the station . I talked with Carl and watched some TV . I was going to hang around to see if any more calls would come out . I was getting tired so I went home and I planned on taking a nap . When I got there I found out I was supposed to be on call for the coroners office . I didn 't think I was on call today . So I called Pete and let him know I was around and available . I then went to my bed to take a nap . I slept for about an hour when Pete called . There was a death at the hospital . I called the Colfax hospital and found out the details . It sounded like a case we would turn down because the doctor would sign off on the death . I was happy because it was getting close to game time . I went back to sleep . My alarm clock sounded and I drove to Pullman for the games . The weather was better . We started by playing the Longballs . We lost two to fifteen . We did not make it through the order twice . I only had one at bat and it was an out . We went to the next field and did some BP and infield practice . Then the second game started . I pitched the first one so I let Dave pitch the second game . It was a closer game but we still lost . Three to four . So we have to win one of the two games next week to make the play offs . I again went oh - for . I grabbed some dinner and went home . I watched the Simpsons and the Sketch Show then I went to bed . I had to get up early and get some stuff done before I left Colfax . April 2nd , 2005 This morning I was woken up by my pager , but I never heard the call out . I missed the call . I went to the station anyway and hung out for a few hours . Ken and I talked about religion and watched a movie call the Doctor . Then I called Reggie because I had not heard from him . He flaked out on me and now I don 't have a spotter . So I started to call everyone in my phone book to see if I could find someone . I could not . As a last resort I called Ryan hoping he would help me out in my time of need . He did not . I stopped at Big - Five and got some binoculars to use at the game . I drove to the stadium . I met up with Brian . I got the team roster and I got the other teams ' roster . I started to get their names written down if they were hard to pronounce . Several players said hello and shook my hand . It was good to see people . I went into my booth and set up my stuff . I had a real hard time at first trying to say the offense and defense players when they made the play plus all the announcements . Finally I decided that I would only do defense if it was quick and easy . Other than that I only announced the offense . I think I started to better after that . I still made a few errors with saying things . I got tongue tied at times . But over all I think I did an okay job . After the game Jerry said he wanted me to be a lot more one - sided in my announcements . He pretty much wants me to be a cheerleader and get people to make noise on third down and other things . I am not sure that it is right , but he is the team owner so I will do so . After the game I went home . Then I stopped at the jail . I hung out there most of the evening . Ryan tried to call about eight times . I did not answer the phone . I just let it go to voice mail . The last time he tried was about one am . I was not much in the mood to talk with him . April 1st , 2005 I was thinking about going down the the radio station ( K - Rock ) and trying out for the Jerry Seinfeld show . I did not do it though . I got up a little later than I wanted and headed into work the new way , going through Issaquah . I don 't know if it is any faster , but there is a lot less stops . So gas mileage should be better . I went to work for a while but I wanted to get going because I was going to meet up with Ben and we were going to watch Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle . I was excited to hang out with Ben again . Before I left work I saw a cake in the kitchen . It said to cut a piece . I started to and saw that it was an April Fools joke . It was a box with frosting on it . Then I posted on G - Shack that it was going to go offline forever at the end of the month . Many people were fooled by it . It was funny . I also posted on Cougster . com that WSU sold the rights to Tully 's coffee to put a big green T on the top of Bryan Tower . I helped him set up his new computer with his E - mail and other files from his old laptop . I also brought over my external drive . I gave him all my MPThrees . I also gave him a few other things from it . We watched an old episode of South Park . Then we watched our movie . Ben made me a couple DVD 's using his new burner . He gave me Caddyshack .

When people say they 're haunted , it usually conjures up images of ghosts and wraiths . But that 's not how it is with me . Six words , a beard , and the tap of a hand haunt my days and nights . I 'm probably as ordinary as a person can get , living a typically mundane life . One particularly innocent day , my client asked me to run a few papers by a local nursing home . Easy ? Sure . Safe ? Not so much . Brushing dark comparisons aside , I hurried inside and ran smack into a large common dining room . Old folks milled about , aimlessly , it seemed . I spotted a nurse - type in her flowered top and waved my manila folder stuffed with my client 's " important papers . " A quick explanation and the flowered top flew off in hot pursuit of the needed signatures . So , I just stood there , looking about , pretending I wasn 't looking about . It got awkward - real quick . I perused the menu , listened to the laugh track playing on a large screen television , and studied the " Report Abuse Here " sign . I turned around and surveyed the room . Any sign of abuse ? A couple old guys slumped at a table , one with his head down and his eyes closed , though his legs were in perpetual motion , the other chattered away undaunted by his less - than - enthusiastic audience . Several figures slept in front of the television , while a young man cleared tables nearby . Several old gals , the lively ones of the bunch , were looking my way . Oh no . One , with a crippled leg , limped toward me . Lord , did she think she knew me ? What did she want ? Where could I hide ? Too late . She 'd seen me . Stretching out her hand , she reached for my arm . Would she fall ? Tackle me ? I searched wildly for a nurse , an aide ; frankly , anyone under seventy would have been a Godsend at that moment . I watched her hand reach out - and she patted my arm . I managed a squeak . " Need help ? " After a brief smile , she limped on , her gaze focused on some mission up ahead . " Nope . Just glad I can still get around . " She sounded like she meant it too . I looked at my arm , where she had patted me . Had she seen my panic ? Was she comforting me ? The flowered - shirt nurse trotted up , a satisfied smile alerting me to her success . " The director said you should come back next week for - " I hardly heard the next words . Next week ? Come back ? Here ? Dandy . I marched to the double doors , shoved the handle , and promptly set off every alarm in the place . The following week was as busy as a spring tornado , but everywhere I went I saw that hand , felt that gentle pat , and heard those bloody , comforting words " Just glad … . " Life is a mystery . I thought I had accepted that long ago . But now , I was a mystery to myself . When the manila folder was thrust unceremoniously back into my hands , I drove back to that parking lot overlooking the prison yard . Squaring my shoulders like a soldier facing combat , I marched myself through the doors , breezing right by some old guy sitting in a wheelchair by the front glass doors , his gaze searching the parking lot . Must be waiting for someone . Maybe a son with grandkids - something like that . Sure . In a moment , I stood before the throng of elderlies , searched for the flower - topped nurse , but instead a large man in blue lumbered over . Taking my manila envelope like a precious charge , he snail - paced away . Okay - so what 's on the menu today ? This week ? Any card catalogs I could peruse ? I skirted by the Elderly Abuse notice . Weakening , my gaze traveled the room . Before I realize what I 'd done , I had stepped further into the room . A woman on my right sat at a table and gazed up at me , her eyes wide and frightened . Was she afraid of me ? A man rocked in his chair - back and forth - while another woman talked and talked though not a soul was listening . The woman on the right cleared her throat . She leaned in , shoulders hunched , using every bit of courage to speak . Without warning , her gaze plunged into my own . My heart stopped . Or it jumped to my throat . It certainly wasn 't where it was supposed to be , doing its job . I tried to say something , but no words would form on my lips . Desperate , she repeated her plea . Lord have mercy , I couldn 't get out of there fast enough . I met the man in blue half way across the room and bolted for the door . The old man didn 't even flinch at the breeze from my passing , his gaze stayed fixed ahead , scanning the parking lot . Sam is a dear girl - woman - person , I suppose . In her own way . She listened patiently enough , and then she began her lament . It 's the government 's lack of decency , a selfish bunch of … causes all our troubles , religious zealots , insensitive relatives , you name it - Sam had a name to blame . When I finally admitted to myself that she wasn 't listening , I went home to the tune of " If you 'd just give me the key … . " This time I came prepared . I ducked my head and shielded my eyes from the prison yard ; I whizzed by the old man by the front door ; I ignored the menu and practically knocked over a scruffy bearded kid who loped along to the center of the room . Flower - shirt was back , and she didn 't need to ask . She just plucked the manila folder from my grasp and suggested I sit and enjoy the live music before she trotted off . I leaned against the wall , prepared for nothing . The kid 's dark , lanky hair , tattered jeans and threadbare jacket told their own story . He sang country stuff mostly , though he 'd stop to answer a question or change tunes at a request . He and the old folks exchanged teasing jibes . Obviously , he 'd been here before . I gazed around the room . Most of the folks had gathered around . The sleepers stayed put - in their own worlds . Some folks rocked , some stared , a few drooled as was their way . But the woman from last week smiled up at the kid through shining eyes . No mention of a key . And the front - door guy had wheeled himself in , one foot tapping away . Mom liked to say : " Everyone is crazy , except thee and me . And I 'm not so sure about thee . " I knew she was joking , though there was always a shadow of pain in her eyes when she said it . Still , I 'd laugh . Like I was supposed to . I always got up early , when the world was still dark and cold . I 'd get everything ready for school , eat a bowl of cereal , and maybe have toast scraped with butter . At promptly seven , I would get her coffee ready , spooning in plenty of sugar and creamer . I could practically taste the dark aroma . She was always pleased with my coffee , which always pleased me . Life was too hard not to make people happy when you had the chance . On school days , I 'd hike up to the bus station and wait , hugging myself , trying to keep off the morning chill . I 'd try not to think too much about Mom and her troubles . I had troubles enough . On the weekends , I would make Mom breakfast with her coffee : usually just an egg and toast . She had simple tastes . Then she 'd get up and go about her business and I would head outside to play , sniffing the fresh clean air . I can 't remember studying much . Maybe if I had studied harder , I would have been able to respond better . Maybe I would have understood what she was really trying to say . It must have been Veteran 's Day or something because I had the day off , and I stayed inside to help Mom make her bed . She was in a good mood ; she hadn 't been drinking lately , and she wasn 't brooding over Dad so much . It felt good to pull the sheets tight around the mattress and then spread the blanket smooth . I remember I was wedged between the bed and the wall , the window behind me , when Mom stopped and stared right past me out the window . I didn 't want to know what she was thinking when she pointed her finger and giggled , an eerie giggle . I only felt cold ripples roll over my arms . She spoke in a hushed tone . " Well , now he 's gone and done it ! I didn 't think it was possible . " I remember the soft sigh I heaved . I didn 't want her to hear it , but I couldn 't help it . It just escaped . She waited for me to ask . So I asked : " What did he do ? " We both knew we were talking about Dad , but it seemed only I knew that it wasn 't about Dad . Mom 's voice projected a certainty that made me look out the window . " He 's gone and turned himself into a Japanese man . Look there . " I don 't remember what else she said . I just remember looking out the window and seeing no Dad and no Japanese man . I kind of hoped there would be one or the other . Once upon a time , there was the kingdom of IF ( Indivisible Fiefdom - a bit of an oxymoron , but as people liked it so it was ) . The people of IF had a king , King Oban , who was chosen by them because of his great popularity , and so they believed , as every generation before had believed , that he would be the perfect king . When he ascended to the throne , they hailed him as both hero and savior , and he believed every word of their hearty proclamations ( though why he should is a bit of a mystery for even a smattering of IF history should have warned him that no king served unscathed and more often than not was picked to pieces before he was ousted for a more promising candidate ) . The kingdom had started out nobly enough , in fact , inspiring quotes like , " I will live and die for the salvation of IF " were quite prominent in their early history . Young citizens of IF loved to thrust their fists against their chests with hearty thuds and quote the luminaries who offered their lives in the service of IF , though in more modern times this had gone quite out of fashion for everyone is well aware that it is a young person 's primary duty was to live and die only for themselves . But the Kingdom of IF was facing a crisis unlike anything they had ever faced before , though to be sure they had faced and overcome many dire situations in their uncounted generations of existence . But now , the Indivisible Fiefdom was sorely divided between the Earth - dwellers and the Sky - dwellers both of whom claimed the right to influence the king . But as it turned out , King Oban was heavily in debt to the Earth - dwellers ( for his great - great - grandmother on his father 's side was an Earth - dweller of immense standing , and she had quite a bit of money in very deep pockets ) and this left the Sky - dwellers in high dungeon for they felt left out of everything . In fact , every decision the king had to make was considered from these two opposing camps , but he overwhelmingly favored the Earth - dwellers . The Earth - dwellers saw everything from a personal point of view . " It is my right ! " was their motto and " Save the Earth ! " was another favorite axiom . The Sky - dwellers , on the other hand , saw everything as a matter for long consideration in relation to right and wrong . Though there were a variety of different clans in the Sky - dwellers dominion still they tended to group around a vision of a " higher calling " and this left the Earth - dwellers perfectly incensed for they believed that no one had the right to tell anyone else what to do ( except , of course , when they were telling the Sky - dwellers where to go and how to follow their laws ) but the Sky - dwellers were also in the habit of telling the general population how things ought to be done though they argued , quite honestly , that they were not preaching a singular individualistic doctrine but the beliefs of their ancestors dating back time out of mind . Their favorite motto was " God really rules " ( though there was some debate as to what God believed exactly ) , and they loved the ancient melody and lullaby " Tradition Still Has Meaning In Our Lives " . But the real danger facing the Kingdom of IF was not simply their divided nature , for they were always arguing , but rather that they did not look very far into their own future . For it was the will of the people of IF that when the king chose a side , he must stick to that side at all costs and listen not a word to the other side - even if they happened to be making humongous good sense . So the population of IF was dwindling into sad chaos , in fact , it was only surviving due to the charity of a few who still believed in the ancient prophesy that the Kingdom of IF was the best of all the kingdoms put upon the earth . But there was another danger facing the kingdom that few seemed to realize - for there was an enormous kingdom to the east known as DOOM whose motto was " Conquer without battle " . And though they professed enduring love for the people of IF , they were secretly rubbing their hands in glee at the in - fighting between the Earth - dwellers and the Sky - dwellers for they were observing that all the work of destruction was being done quite efficiently for them . Also , on the sidelines were the tri - kingdoms of Kab , Bab , and Dan . These three semi - allied kingdoms ( always together except when they were at each other 's throats ) also professed an enduring love for the people of IF , though they would chant " Death to the King of IF " at every family gathering . But the people of IF saw not their danger . There was only one small child who had written a poem for her mother one day , who seemed to grasp the implications of the dire times . She had learned in school of their noble history and her friends had all chosen sides . But one sunny day , her little brother sat down beside her near a great , old oak tree , and he asked her why she was sad . Though she could not answer her sibling 's innocent question , she did think that a poem might relieve her pent up feelings , so she wrote this quaint little prose , and she gave it to her mother who was too busy to read it . But you may find time in your busy life to read it before the parchment crumbles into dust - even questions from young people will fade if given enough time to wither and fall . So , though the Kingdom of IF still stands upon its majestic past , and faces its future quite blindfolded , still it will not last forever , for nothing in this world ever does . But there is a quaint little plea in the child 's verse that strikes deep into the heart - for history will record not only how well the kingdom rose but how badly it fell . Yet may our nation live long , inspiring hope and enduring faith in something truly great … if only … . James Milford Parker III stared at the gravestone with his name etched out in block print and realized that he would never be the same . James had seen tombstones before . Many times , in fact . But they had all been part of a set . His father had been a movie producer and his mother an actress of some renown in her early days . Now , they were just aging celebrities who lived quiet lives in as stress - free an environment as possible . They deserved some rest and fun . After all , they had given their best years to the world of entertainment . They ought to keep their golden years for themselves . James stared and wondered why the stone in front of him did not seem real . He stepped forward and pressed his fingers against the marble slab in an attempt to dislodge it from its foundation . It did not budge . It was stone all right . He could feel the firm , smooth foundation under his casual shoes . Patting the stone , he smiled , as if asking the stone if it could take a little joke . You don 't mind , do you ? I had to make sure . The image of a plastic tombstone being carried off in one hand by a prop man turned his smile into a grimace . So hard to be sure , you know . James turned , got into his car , and drove twenty - seven miles home . He lived in the country on a sprawling estate . He never knew why his wife had insisted on having a place so far out , but he respected her wishes as he had respected everything about her . She was a good woman and that was why her sudden death baffled him to the point of incomprehension . He got out of his car and looked around . Everything was very quiet . It was early autumn , but the days were still quite warm . California seasons change almost imperceptibly . It was hard to realize that anything had changed . But he knew the night would bring a chilling breeze and he shivered at the thought . I could use a drink , he mumbled to himself but brushed the thought away with a flick of his hand . He had suffered the pains of hell trying to sober up permanently . He wasn 't going to risk a rerun of that life , not without Cindy . Cindy had been the bedrock of his sanity when alcoholism almost destroyed his will to live . It had cost him his job at the studio and many of his friends . Though his name alone would always assure him of a following , it would not always assure him of friends . There were very few people he called friends , and he just lost the best of the bunch four days ago . Shaking his head to ward off any other dangerous thoughts , James punched in his key code and then slid the glass door open and walked inside . The echoing silence nearly deafened him . He scratched his head and wondered if perhaps he should have just one drink . After all , his wife had died and no one would blame him for getting drunk . Standing in the middle of the foyer , he lifted his head and his gaze fell on a small marble statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary that Cindy had installed in a little niche as you entered the house . Good Lord , how he hated the thing ! He tried for weeks to convince Cindy that it made them seem like religious fanatics , like real provincials , but she had just smirked and said that at this point in her life , she didn 't give a hoot what people thought . Maria , her maid , had given it to her just before she died from liver cancer , and she wasn 't about to remove it . Cindy had said that it reminded her of something important . When James had asked her what was so damn important about it , she just told him that when he grew up , he 'd figure it out . She said this with a smile , so James didn 't take it as an insult , though as he thought of it now , he wondered if it was an insult ― he 'd just been too besotted to catch on . He moved toward the expansive living room , all done up in wood paneling , shag rugs , and Native American themes . He found it rather revolting . His boyhood had been immersed in ultra - modern chromes and sleek metals and this reversion toward mother - earth had struck him as somewhat barbaric , but once again , this was what Cindy wanted and as he had his own place closer to work , he was willing to allow her decorators do their worst . And they did . Oh , Lord , did they ever . James suddenly realized that he would have to sell the place , and he would need help . He considered several options for a moment . There were so many ramifications of Cindy 's death that his head spun . Too much to think about . Ever since Thursday morning when he awoke and realized that Cindy , lying there beside him , was not moving , that she was too still and too cold , he had existed in numbed shock . He had called an ambulance and his personal physician , but it was too late at that point . He then called his secretary and after telling her the news , she had promised to clear his calendar . All his projects had been shoved to the side . His father had said that he might come for the funeral , but as his mother hadn 't been feeling well , she probably wouldn 't be able to make it . James knew . His mother never liked Cindy , and it wasn 't in her nature to do anything she didn 't want to do . He was grateful for his father , though . He didn 't have any other family to call , and Cindy 's family was spread all over the globe . Her brother flew in from Texas , but that was it . Her father was in a nursing home and her mother had died years ago . Cindy had wanted to go to her mother 's funeral , but they had been in the middle of a big movie opening . James insisted that he couldn 't break away and since his sobriety was still in question , Cindy had elected to stay at his side . Later she told him that she felt like she had betrayed her mother by not going to her funeral , but James had just laughed . " Good God , Cindy ! The woman was cremated ! What kind of funeral can there be for a pile of dust ? " He had not realized how cruel he was at the time . Cindy had walked out of the room . It wasn 't until a few weeks ago that she reminded him of the incident and asked him if he remembered . He said he didn 't remember his exact words , but he supposed he had said something like that . She asked him if he still felt the same . He shrugged . " I don 't know . I don 't like to think about death . It was a long time ago , Cindy , forget it . " She seemed to . But it nagged at him now . It more than nagged at him . It felt like a hammer blow to the heart . How could he have been so cold ? James turned and walked toward the steps . Well , if I can 't have a drink , I 'm sure as hell not going to stand around here thinking about the past . I can 't change anything . It is - what it is . He walked into his study and turned on a large screen television . He picked up the remote and began flipping through the channels as he pulled at his tie . He stopped at a news channel and then threw his cell phone on his dresser and tugged off his dress shirt . He began talking to himself " Why did I go today ? The funeral was yesterday . I didn 't need to check to see if the stone was set . Totally neurotic . I could have sent Edwardo . Damn , I am such ― " James turned at the sound of his cell phone ringing . He snatched it off his dresser and stepped over to the window only dressed in his casual pants and shoes . His chest was bare and he allowed the sunlight to warm him through the window . " Yeah ? " It was Dalton , his friend and buddy from days long past . He hadn 't heard from Dalton for years . Dalton explained that he had just heard about Cindy 's death , and he was in the area . Would it be okay if he stopped by for a moment ? He was on his way to a screening , but he really wanted to see him for a bit . James squinted , trying to remember what had happened at their last meeting . He had a vague feeling that their last conversation had not gone well , but he couldn 't remember the details . He shrugged in the afternoon sun . " Yeah , sure . I 'm not doing anything . " James could almost feel Dalton 's relief . He stared out over the vast expanse of scrub brush and rocky hills and tried not to sigh . He wasn 't sure what would be worse . Sitting here alone or having an old friend come by and try to comfort him . Well , it was a moot point now . Dalton made sure of the address and punched it into his phone . He was as good as in his living room . James pressed the end button and threw the phone back on his dresser . Well , so much for immersing himself in some stupid movie or another . He looked at the screen and scowled . There were images of his wife 's face and then scenes of the funeral . What ? Couldn 't people ever leave them alone ? Voyeurs and parasites ! Then the screen blinked to the most recent war victims . It showed the fragmented remains of a school that had been bombed . Bodies were everywhere . The sound was muted so James couldn 't hear the grisly details , but he could see the reality for himself . " Christ ! Do they have to put that up all the time ? Isn 't there ever any good news ? " James looked for the remote but he couldn 't find it . He began to scramble madly around the room , searching for it . He wanted to turn the bloody thing off but in his confusion , he felt his face flush with fury . " Where the hell did it go ? Damn it ! Where ― " He saw it under his shirt and grabbing it , he squeezed the off button . When the screen turned black , he flopped down on a chair and buried his head in his hands . " God , Almighty ! I just can 't take things like that . Not today . " James sat there for a moment and then remembered that Dalton was coming . He tossed his used shirt into the over - flowing hamper relieved that the cleaning woman would come in the morning . He tried to remember her name . Cindy was the one who hired and managed their help . He didn 't know a thing about them other than they came and went like invisible angels of mercy . He supposed he 'd have to find out what their names were . He opened his closet and pulled a casual shirt from the rack . He could smell a faint odor coming from the closet and realized that Cindy had come in the other day night before they were heading out to a party ; she had practically reeked of perfume . Funny I can smell it now . I didn 't notice it this morning . I never smell anything anymore … James realized that this wasn 't helping him get ready for Dalton , so he strode to the bathroom , splashed cold water on his face , and returned to the first floor . He meandered into the kitchen and decided he would fix a little something for his old friend . He took out a package of fat - free chips and a platter of cut vegetables that had been left over from the funeral , and he poured some ranch dressing into a container . He put these on the counter with some cold meat and cheese that had been carefully wrapped away , in case he got hungry , someone had said . Who had said that ? James tried to remember who had been at the funeral dinner , but it was a blur . James was about to open the refrigerator when his hand accidentally brushed against the counter and sent the chip bowl sprawling . He bent down reflexively to catch it and slammed his head against the edge of the marble counter . The blow sent lights flashing before his eyes , and he lurched backward from the sharp pain . He clasped his hand over his temple and realized with a shock that he was bleeding . He knew that head wounds tend to bleed profusely , and it did little to stem the rise of panic as he felt drips of blood slide through his fingers . He rushed to the bathroom . He looked at himself in the mirror and suddenly felt sick . Before he even thought out his next move , he found himself retching into the toilet . Grabbing roller - spinning wads of toilet paper , he tried to wipe his face and temple and stem the flow of blood . After a few moments , the dripping slowed , and he cautiously moved toward the living room . He plopped down on the couch and lay his head back with a muted groan . Does it get any worse ? James closed his eyes and tried to calm down . His stomach was empty now and the blood was definitely congealing though he feared that if he got up , it might start up again . He lay as still as possible and tried to think . He should call Dalton and tell him not to come . He probably should call someone to take him to the doctor . He envisioned Dalton forcing the door open and fining him in a pool of blood . He saw himself floating above his wife 's tombstone … also his tombstone . He realized that it was his now as much as hers . He would die and he would lie there and his body would never bleed again . He would never breathe again . He would never answer the phone or have old friends coming over to comfort him . He 'd never make another deal or handle another movie project . He 'd never give advice or slap down a stupid idea . He 'd … He saw Dalton entering the room calling for him . He tried to tell Dalton that he wasn 't here anymore , to go look at his wife 's tombstone , but his tongue felt thick and his mouth was glued shut . Someone was tugging at him . James grew frightened . He felt himself fighting , trying to slap with cardboard arms that couldn 't move . He wasn 't ready . He didn 't know where he was going . He didn 't want to die . He didn 't know what death meant . He hadn 't decided yet . " James ! James for God 's sake , wake up ! Jenny , call the doctor ! I think he 's tried to kill himself or something ! " James ' eyes fluttered open , and he saw a salt and peppered swatch of hair way too close to his face . He tried to lift his arm but it was too heavy . He decided to scream . Dalton heard the merest whisper brush against his ear . He stared at James lying prone beneath his inquiring gaze and when he saw eyes staring back , he jerked backward . " Oh , James ! Looks like something happened . You looked so bad lying there , and you didn 't answer the doorbell . I got worried and we just walked in . Hope you don 't mind . " James tried to sit up but the pain in his head throbbed him into submission . " No , not at all . " He whispered . He tried to pull off the messy swath of toilet paper and found that it was glued to his head . He grimaced and pointed with his other hand . " I hit my head against the counter - stupid . " James grimaced his agreement . Jenny came over and inquired if she should call for an ambulance . James looked at the sleek blond in front of him with her large worried eyes and realized how bad he looked . He felt like a fool and wanted nothing more than to get them out of his house and take a hot shower and then crawl into bed . He envisioned some sleeping pills that his wife occasionally took . They were probably still in the cabinet . He waved his hand benignly . Dalton got up from the couch and took Jenny by the arm . " Hey , honey , why don 't you get James something to eat ? It looks like something spilled over there . Maybe you could ― " Jenny nodded and turned to accomplish her domestic duty . Dalton turned back toward James and smiled . " Well , I know better than to ask if you want a drink . But perhaps a soda or something ? " Dalton stepped away to perform his act of mercy . James forced himself into a sitting position and tried not to groan as his head swam . He pulled the tissue away from his head , tearing it , and was disappointed by how little blood was actually there . It was hardly the excessive blood bath he had imagined . " Huh . " Dalton returned a moment later with a tray of drinks and the cut vegetables with the little ranch dressing poured off to the side . Dalton nudged the end table a little closer with his foot and set the tray down . Then he sat in a chair next to the couch . He handed James his drink and leaned in . " So apart from nearly smashing your head in and your wife dying , how 've you been ? Todd was gesturing enthusiastically as he outlined his newest great idea . " Do you know what the term ' forged by fire ' really means ? Some guy , Ignatius something - or - other wrote about it . I had no idea . I think that 'd make a great title for a movie - don 't you ? How about if we take that surreal concept by that new writer - you know the one who 's always acting so damn deep - and throw that at her and see what she comes up with . It might be good - we can always add in some fast action sequences and a bit of sex to spice it up . Besides , deep is in right now . " James wondered if it would be considered first - degree murder to strangle an idiot . Why do I let this man work here ? Why do I listen to him ? James continued to stare out the window overlooking one of the highest priced pieces of real estate in Los Angeles and heard the answer in his head . Because he turns stupid ideas into multi - million dollar winners . James turned and looked at the well - dressed man in front of him . Todd was sharp in the worst sense of the word , yet he also had a boyish charm that made even those who had suffered at his hands care about him . He really didn 't mean any harm . He merely had an incredible knack for taking the pulse of the movie - going public and serving up what they wanted . If they were obsessed with scary aliens landing on our shores , he found a script with the scariest aliens possible and if New York had to be smashed to bits once again - so much the better . If the public was subconsciously feeling a little guilty , he didn 't bother to know why , he just found a way to address that hidden psychosis through a cathartic heroic - romance where even the worst sinner alive could feel a dash of patriotic hope . If they were looking for their lost childhood , he found a way to update one of the oldie - but - goodies . Todd was a gifted man all right but who he was working for , James was never certain . Todd was a natural chameleon . Perhaps that 's what made him so good at what he did . He understood every one because , in truth , he was no one . James rubbed his chin . " Funny you should mention Ignatius . It 's also the name of a priest . Ignatius of Loyola . " James turned and stared at Todd 's blank expression . " I only know because Martha , my cook , has her daughter dropped off at our house after school and she studies in the kitchen until they go home at seven . The other day I went in to ask Martha something , and I saw the book on the table , so I asked the kid about it . She got excited telling me all about him - she went on and on . She goes to a Catholic school and they fill her head with all sorts of stuff . " James stared right into Todd 's eyes . " The kind of stuff that you should steal and turn into a movie , maybe . " James briefly wondered if Todd would jerk away shielding himself like Dracula did when presented with a crucifix . Todd merely stared back , his mouth slightly open . Finally , he smiled and nearly giggled . James smiled . " Yeah , gotcha . " He leaned over his desk . " Well , if that 's all you have to cover , I think we can quit for today . I 'd like to get home early . Jimmy wants me to attend his party tonight and I need to get ready . Besides , I 'm feeling kind of tired . I think I 've been working too much lately . " Todd nodded , his appraising glance telling James more than he wanted to know . He already realized that a lot of people thought he was having some kind of break down . There was even a rumor , months ago , that he was drinking again , but he had put that one down by showing up for work early and in perfect form every day for six months . He usually stayed over time and he had never been as successful as he had been in these last months . Everyone was full of admiration for how well he had handled his wife 's death . Until recently . Recently he had started to leave a little earlier and come in a little later . Though he still looked good and was at the top of his game , he realized , along with everyone else that something had changed . Todd shut the door quietly behind him after saying that he 'd see him at the party . His parting shot to demonstrate that he was invited " everywhere " too . James closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair . God , what 's happening to me ? What 's wrong ? James realized that he wasn 't merely speaking rhetorically . He was really asking a question of God - well , of Someone anyway . When did this start ? It started with the dreams . After selling the house and reorganizing almost his entire life , James had felt that he deserved a little break and a change , so he took a week 's vacation . He went to a resort in Nevada that someone had insisted was just the place to get his mind off his troubles . It was the worst vacation of his life . He not only didn 't get his mind off his troubles , he found he was being haunted by his grief , a grief he thought he had already worked through . He started dreaming about Cindy . He hadn 't done anything she would have disapproved of , well , maybe a couple things , but she 'd understand . He was no longer a married man . He had his needs . It took him the better part of the week and three very unpleasant encounters to realize that his needs had changed . He may not be Cindy 's husband anymore , but he wasn 't the man of his youth either . There was no going back , only forward , but without some kind of a road map , he wasn 't exactly sure where the future led . He cut his vacation short and threw himself into his work with a vengeance . It worked for a while . He was able to concentrate amazingly well while in his office and he found himself arriving early and staying late . But then there was that incident with the cook … James rubbed his face and tried to shake off his recollections , but before he realized it , he was staring into space again . It had been nearly four months ago when his life took the next unexpected bend in the road . His old cook had been a rather eccentric old fellow by the name of Filippo . James figured that he was Malaysian though when he 'd ask him , Filippo would just smile and say that he came from a lot of places . James always felt like he was on the outside of a joke . But one day , Filippo didn 't show up for work and James was having a few friends over for an important get - together that night . He got pretty worked up about it . He ended up having to order some food in , and it wasn 't nearly as good as what Filippo could dish out with a snap of his fingers . It was when Filippo 's daughter came to the house asking for any personal items Filippo had left behind , that the whole event began to really sink in . There was this beautiful twenty - year - old girl standing in his door way asking with her big honest eyes if she could come in and collect her father 's things . It was then that James realized that he knew absolutely nothing about the man who had worked for him , other than the fact that he was a great cook . He stepped aside and let the woman in and he followed her to the kitchen , opening the closet where Filippo usually hung his sweater and stored whatever stuff he had brought with him . It was there that James discovered that Filippo was Roman Catholic , for there , hanging on a little nail inside the closet door , was a set of rosary beads . What ? Did the man recite prayers in between courses ? James felt as if his head would explode . He watched from the side as Filippo 's last remaining worldly possessions were gathered into his daughter 's arms . As she stepped over the threshold , James felt a resolution form in his core and he decided to act on it at once . " Can I ask your name ? " She looked at him with those sad , sweet eyes and spoke so softly that James had to lean in to hear . " My name is Martha . " James nodded and then , before she could retreat into the outer world again , he put out his hand and stopped her . James felt a spark of life flicker in his middle . " Really ? " He appraised her . She could not be more than twenty . " How old are you ? ' James ' eyebrows rose . He was used to people under cutting their age , not adding to it . But - who knows . He leaned on the doorframe . " Why do you say , ' was ' ? " Perhaps , James realized , as he propped his head on his hands in his silent office , perhaps he had been infatuated with those eyes and that perfect face . Perhaps he felt just a tad guilty for the way he had behaved toward Filippo and wanted to right some wrongs . Perhaps , he was just a mercenary jerk who just wanted to banish all grief and doubt from his mind . But as the weeks passed and as Martha came dutifully each day , he kept true to his resolution . He had decided that he would know more about the people in his life , no matter who they were . They could be the lowliest trash collector to the highest producer ; he would ask more questions ; he would get to know the people in his life . He was never more surprised than when Martha 's husband showed up one day asking for her , and she threw herself into his arms like some sticky , sweet version of a movie he had dubbed a failure to express real life . Apparently the husband , Max , really had been away . He had been working in Alaska and was home , at least until he found another job . James discovered opportunities a little closer to home . Max was grateful to take one . So Martha and her daughter , Elizabeth Grace , and husband , Max , became members of James ' household - though he never mentioned this fact to anyone . There was never any need . Not really . How does one casually bring up the subject that you 've practically adopted an entire family ? But the dreams about Cindy never really stopped . Despite everything . James wondered about that , but he figured that Cindy would be pleased with him . She was always so kind to the servants . Really , she was very kind to everyone - especially him . James realized that now . James got up from his desk and looked at his watch . He gathered up his keys and his cell phone . He didn 't want to go to this party , and he really didn 't want to have to appear happy . Wasn 't he happy ? James sighed at the question and moved across the room . The sudden image of a plastic tombstone being carried away made him stop . Counterfeits were such a part of his life ; he had to wonder if he 'd ever really been happy . Five years later , on James 47th birthday , when he was returning home from a long day at work , he saw , out of the corner of his eye , a minivan barreling toward him . In a split second , he realized he was not going to be able to avoid being hit ; he realized that he was probably facing his final moments on earth . As he lay in the car , after the smashing , grinding impact , he could not think . Everything was immensely quiet . Then , just as suddenly , there was more noise and confusion than he could tolerate . As he blacked out , he hoped that someone nice had decided what death meant for him - he still didn 't know . When he woke up , he was on a hospital bed in a white - walled room with large vinyl curtains blocking out the sunlight . He blinked and attempted to move his head . He discovered he could not move anything but his eyes and his mouth . He felt like his whole body had been frozen but his face was still free . His brow furrowed as he pictured a man buried up to his neck . As his mind became alert , James started to realize what this meant . Frantically , he tried to remember what had happened . Panic began to rise as he felt his breathing becoming faster and shallower . A nurse bustled into the room looking right at him with a laptop clasped to her chest . She saw the fear in his eyes , and she placed the laptop on the counter and moved to his side . " Mr . Parker , it 's alright . You 'll be all right . You might feel rather numb right now but that 's from all the medication and the nature of your injuries . Most of your injuries should heal in time . Right now , you should just be happy you 're alive . It was a close call . " He knew she was patting his arm from the rustling of her sleeve against his hospital gown . He did not feel the pat . She bent closer and stared him right in the eyes . " Mr . Parker , it is very important that you stay calm . You 're in good hands . I 'll call Dr . Freeman and let him know that you 're awake . " James wanted to say something to the effect - " Yes , you do that , and by the way , while you 're at it , would you mention the fact that I 'm practically dead . He might find that interesting as well . " But he found his mouth was too dry and his tongue too thick to form articulate words . He just mumbled something that the nurse took to mean " Thanks . " He watched as her upper half moved to the head of the bed , her arm adjusted his drip line , and then her shoulders and head moved away from him and bobbed out the doorway . He imagined getting one of his men in here and whispering a desperate plea to pour a pint of whiskey into the drip bag . Todd might do it . It would be just the thing that might amuse him - offbeat , gritty realism . The only problem would be that Todd would need an audience , so he 'd have to tell the whole floor of nurses and they 'd freak out , end of scenario . James wondered if he could be arrested for attempting to spike his own drip bag . He closed his eyes . Can it get any worse than this ? When had he thought that before ? He couldn 't remember . But he realized ; he 'd have a lot of time to play memory games . Lots of time to consider the direction his life was taking . A white - coated doctor entered the room . He looked Indian ; his smile seemed genuine . James swallowed and was relieved that he actually felt the sensation . He did not smile back , however . " Hello , James . My name is Dr . Joshi . I was on the team that worked on you . It was a mighty good fight you put up . We were relieved when your heart started again . I just want to let you know that though you did sustain serious injuries , it looks like the worst is behind you . With some physical therapy and perhaps a couple minor reconstructive surgeries on your right leg , you should be able to get up and move around again . But right now , all you need to know is that your paralysis should be temporary , and you 'll be feeling more like your normal self in a few days , though I don 't suggest you attempt to do anything too strenuous too soon . " If James could have burst out laughing , he would have at this bit of incongruity . Was Dr . Joshi blind , or was it no big deal that he had just about died ? What did he say about getting his heart started again ? Was returning to life just a mere blip in the day 's events ? Everything will be back to normal ? Yeah right ! James merely blinked rapidly and attempted to shake his head . Dr . Joshi took that for agreement and smiled again . " Your nurses will be close by if you need anything , and they 'll check on you regularly . " The doctor straightened and turned to the nurse , giving her directions that James could not understand , and he started walking away , his head bobbing slowly out of the room . The nurse checked James ' drip line , took his pulse , and did various other duties and then patted him on the arm . Rustle , rustle . She ordered him to get some rest . James didn 't bother to watch her head bob out the door . He stared up at the ceiling and realized that before long he 'd know exactly how many tiles comprised the ceiling and how many dots in each . This was life right now . Surely they had a television , a way to listen to music … something to occupy his mind . James realized he felt very relaxed and sleepy . Apparently , he didn 't need to spike his drip bag - they 'd done it for him . Perhaps later , when the nurse came back , he 'd ask a few questions . James would learn all about life here and find a way to survive . He closed his eyes . He wondered who would care that he was here . His mother ? She was slipping into another world ― dementia at its best . He 'd leave her to go gently into her private world . His dad ? Yeah , his dad would come and be very pleasant and upbeat , trying to cheer him up so that no one need feel sad . Tears were just for critical moments in movies . Tears weren 't intended for real life . If one got sad enough for tears , it was time to pack it in . There were those who took that way out . But Dad wouldn 't be one of those . He would die cheerfully , pretending that death wasn 't getting the last word , even when it did . James wasn 't sure he wanted his dad 's pleasant ignorance at this point . James sighed and was infinitely relieved when he felt his chest heave painfully . He wasn 't quite as numb as he thought . He tried to feel some other part of his body , but it still felt still absent . Damn . I 'm living in a dead man 's body . There were visitors those first days , mostly people from work and a policeman who wanted to go over the accident report with him . The friendly visits were painful as James attempted to do more each time to appear less disabled than he was , but he got through them with as much aplomb as he could muster . He assured everyone that he would fully recover and be back at work by the New Year at the latest . When the policeman entered , James felt the greatest flutter of excitement since he had first awakened . He told the officer what he could remember and then waited for him to explain what had actually happened . After the officer told him , James felt his spirit go as numb as his body . A woman and child had been in the other car . No one was exactly sure what made her drive into him , could be the slight drizzle obscured her vision , or she just wasn 't thinking and didn 't see the red light directly in front of her , but she rammed into his car full speed . She and the child died . Their names were Mrs . Carol Jones and Sylvia Jones . Sylvia had only been five . They think that Carol had been driving so fast because she was hurrying to pick up her son from soccer practice . Sylvia had been at tumbling class and they had gotten behind schedule . James wondered at the value of his life when it had almost been snuffed out because of soccer practice . It wasn 't until the officer mentioned that the husband was outside waiting to see him that James wondered if it would have been easier to simply die . He merely mumbled , " Yeah , sure , what can it hurt ? " The police officer had tapped his notebook closed and left the room with a nod , hoping that James would " get better soon . " Mr . Jones entered the room slowly . His eyes had dark circles under them . His hands hid in his pockets as he moved to the side of the bed . The nurse had raised James ' bed so he was in a semi - sitting position . James wasn 't sure why this man had come or what on earth he was supposed to say , but he figured that he should be compassionate . After all , he did know how it felt to lose a wife and the officer had said something about there being another child . So , along with everything else , this guy was a single parent now and that couldn 't be easy . Mr . Jones shuffled his feet and then looked at James . " I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that this happened , Mr . Parker . My wife was a good woman , and I know she 'd never have wanted this . It was just some stupid accident and … " Mr . Jones ' voice cracked and his stricken eyes filled with tears . James felt his own eyes ache . He realized that he was hurting inside in ways he had not admitted to himself and he did not want to face . He could not lift his arm well , but he could gesture feebly . He attempted to do so . " Please , Mr … " James tried to control his voice . " What 's your name ? " " Listen , Eric , I know it was an accident , and it looks to me like you 've suffered more than me . I 've just got bruised up a bit , but you 've lost your wife and kid . I lost my wife a few years back ; I know how hard that can be . We never had kids … but I can only imagine the hell you 're going through . So please , no apologies ― " Tears streamed down Eric 's face . " My son blames me . He said I should have gone to pick him up . I knew Carol was behind schedule , but I was at work and … " James felt his breathing quicken . He couldn 't handle this . He wasn 't a therapist . He was a recovered alcoholic who made a living by faking reality . " Eric , your son is just lashing out at you because you 're all he 's got to lash at . Who else is he going to blame ? God ? " Eric stood there mute with tears falling freely . James stared at the ceiling tiles and tried to remember how many he had counted before he gave up . " Oh , God ! " He looked back at Eric . " I can 't help you , Eric . I don 't know how . I wish I could . But if it means anything to you - I don 't blame you or your wife . I don 't blame anyone . I can 't say why . But you and your son are still alive and you 've got to figure out how to live through this . Just like me . It 's a hell of a world , and I 'm the last person on earth to give anyone advice , but if I did , I 'd say it 'd bet better to try to make the best of this rather than let it tear you to pieces . " Eric nodded , wiping his face with his arm . " I 'm sorry I fell apart like this . I didn 't mean to . It 's just when I saw how bad you got hurt and I remember … It just kills something inside me . " James shook his head . " Well don 't ! Don 't let it kill you . Not yet . Death gets its way often enough . Don 't give it anymore . " Eric stuck out his hand and gripped James free hand lying on his bed sheet . " I meant to come here and apologize for hurting you - but you 've helped me - more than you realize . Thank you . " When James was sixty - eight years old he was diagnosed with a severe heart condition and was hospitalized in the hope that he would undergo a heart transplant . But that transplant never took place . He died two days before the planned surgery . But the day before he died an old friend came to visit ― his cook 's eldest daughter , Elizabeth Grace , now grown into a matronly woman with four kids . She had taken his cold , papery hand in her own and stroked it gently as she smiled through her gentle laugh . " Hey , Mr . James , how you doing today ? " They bantered about her mother and brothers and sisters , about all the " goings - on " in the world , and recent events in the family they shared . James suddenly realized that with Elizabeth Grace at his side , he felt brave and comfortable . She looked at him with eyes that could peer directly into his lost soul and she loved him anyway . James felt he could go on . " So what 's death , anyway ? I mean , where is it ? What happens when the old , grim reaper shows up ? " Elizabeth 's eyes grew round and her smile widened . " Wow , Mr . James , you always know how to surprise me . " Her smile faded as she saw something in his eyes that saddened her . " I don 't know anything about grim reapers and such , but you know , I was taught that death is a doorway ― from this world to the next . It 's a chance to go home , really - if you want to . " James shook his head . " I don 't get it . I 'm home now . I mean ; I want to go home to my place on the hill . I want to get back home - not leave it forever . Death is about leaving . " Elizabeth Grace shrugged . " I guess ; you can look at it that way . But my dad used to say that he never really had a home here . He wasn 't so worried about leaving since he knew that he 'd be going to his real home later . I miss him , but I don 't worry about him . He was right . He was a good man who loved a lot of people . His love didn 't disappear - I think it just led him home . " James nodded . Then he squeezed Elizabeth 's hand and closed his eyes . " I 'll have to think about that . I 've never understood death , but I like your version . I 've tried to love more , to really care , and ― it has led me home ― already . " Elizabeth smiled as she let his hand go and then bent down and placed a kiss on his white cheek . " Good night , Mr . James . You 'll always find a home in those you love . " James smiled as he drifted into a peaceful slumber . He still didn 't know exactly what death meant , but he did know what happiness was . And he figured that knowledge would lead him past the tombstone . Autumn is always bittersweet and beautiful ― like a memory . I am nearly fifty now and yet my childhood seems as close as the doorway . More distant , and more painful are the memories of my sons . I had only two , Joseph and David , both fine young men , each born with a high sense of duty . One is dead now and the other might be soon . People tell me that I can 't change anything ― that fate is what it must be . I try to accept that . But the memories haunt me , like autumn . They beguile me with their sweetness and then frighten me with what comes after . I grew up endowed with a mission to change the world . I was going to be somebody . My relations going all the way back to Adam and Eve were much the same . It must be something in our genetic code . We were the branch that reached for the sun and were never content to live in the shade of another 's glory . My father was a radio broadcaster and my mother was an artist . They both strove with straining hearts to be great at what they did . You probably never heard of them . Few ever did . But they lived and died believing that they made a difference . And I guess that is all that really matters , believing in yourself . At least , that is what David keeps telling me . It is late now , and the house is quiet . The cicada came out late this year , and I can still hear them in the evenings joining their songs with the crickets and the frogs . It makes a low , pleasant hum , always in the background , like the music in a movie . You aren 't always aware of it , but it effects your mood and soothes , or warns you , as the case may be . Right now , the evening sounds are soothing . There are no dreadful winds screeching against the windows or thunder hammering on the roof . Right now , I feel peaceful and even a little drowsy . David should be home soon . His shift ended at 8 : 00 P . M . but he said it might take him a little longer as he was going to talk to his director about his options . That is what he calls it , his options . War broke out again four years ago and I thought that Joseph would stay out of it , but since he was trained as a psychiatric nurse , he saw it as his duty to join up as soon as possible and help out in whatever way he could . I admired his patriotism . Everyone did . After all , we had not looked for war . It came to us , landed in our laps when extremist terrorists set off bombs in our cities . There have always been problems in the world and tensions were especially high with threats at the time , but I had always figured that we were secure , our lives would remain on the periphery of events . I had hoped that living in the countryside might shield us . But fate crosses all boundaries and Joseph was determined to make a difference . He wanted to save people . He wanted to be helpful . How could I blame him ? Over a thousand people were killed in those attacks and more died in the following battles . War comes at a cost . But I hoped that it would not cost the life of my son . I am not sure why I thought he should be exempt . But I did . I honestly thought that he was too good to die . So now I sit here trying to make sense of my memories and trying to decide what I believe . If fate rules us , then it really does not matter what I believe . I can sit here until Doom 's Day , and nothing will change . But if fate is just an excuse for not accepting our part in things , then perhaps it does matter . Maybe I have more to do with Joe 's death than I realize . Maybe David still has a chance . Kurt and I were older when we got married . It took us a long time to find each other . We were like that song ― looking for love in all the wrong places . But eventually , we met right where you 'd expect two Catholics might meet , in church . It was at Christmas time and we were both out of college , and it turned out we had some friends in common . It didn 't take us long to decide that we wanted a life together . It did take a couple years to pay off old debts and clear out our lives so that we could make room for our marriage . But once that was taken care of , we went forward and had a big wedding , inviting everyone near and far . We 're both believers , but not terribly involved in church activities , except around holiday time . Our lives revolved more around our work . I had been endowed with a missionary spirit , teaching in poor neighborhoods while Kurt had worked as an English as a Second Language instructor . Both of us were zealots . Both of us wanted to make a difference . And both of us were rather tired and worn out by the time we got married . It took us three years to have our first child , but there was never a more anticipated bundle of joy than out little Joe . Suddenly all our zeal was directed toward this tiny little baby . It was as if no other baby had ever been born before , the way we acted . Kurt made every birthday a major holiday and started to teach little Joe the letters of the alphabet and how to play ball when he was barely old enough to toddle across the floor . I was intent on providing the best home and the nicest , most delicious meals ever created by any mother anywhere . The poor child never had a chance to know moderation . Moderation just wasn 't in our vocabulary . If he even got a sniffle , I ran him to the pediatrician so fast that the doctor would usually just tell me to turn around and go home , giving me nothing more than an encouraging word and a slight sigh . Joseph either had a great immune system or we frightened every illness away before it had a chance for Joe grew up as healthy as an ox . He grew big too . The other kids in school used to say that he ought to try out for football , but I 'd never let him . It was too risky . He had a smart mind and I didn 't want his head broken in some game which would only decide the fate of a team for a season . I wanted my boy to make decisions about far more important things . Luckily Kurt agreed with me . Kurt would read him stories by the hour about famous men in history . That boy went to bed dreaming about knights in shining armor and martyrs who suffered for their faith . Though we lived in farm country and envied farmers their knack for bringing fruit from the earth , even if it was simply acres and acres of corn or beans , still we never saw ourselves as farmer types . We had the missionary spirit . So when Joe grew up and chose medicine as his field , Kurt and I smiled in complete understanding . This was something worthy , something grand that could make a difference in the world . Joe joined Peace Corps after college , and Kurt and I were so proud of him ; we could hardly contain ourselves . We sent packages and extra money to support him through the two years he spent in the Philippines . He got Typhoid while he was there , and Kurt thought about going over to check in on him , but Joe told us not to come . His letters became subdued . Joe seemed to be changing in ways I couldn 't understand . I wondered if he was depressed , but Kurt said that he was just seeing the world as it really was and that sobered him up a bit . Besides , everyone was telling me : " Joe 's his own man now ; he 's over twenty - one ; you need to let him be . " It wouldn 't do any good to worry anyway . I had no control over the world or my son anymore . There weren 't any options I could veto . When Joe arrived back in the states one blistering hot July day , he met us at the airport looking like an overgrown scarecrow . He had lost so much weight that I barely recognized him . He was tanned but his face was gaunt with exhaustion . I was appalled , but Kurt gripped my arm and told me not to mother him . He was a man now . Joe needed to tell us what happened in his own way . At least Kurt realized that something had happened . But as we drove through the city noise of Saint Louis back toward the rural quiet of Illinois , I waited expectantly for Joe to say something , for him to tell us his story . He didn 't . He hardly talked that whole drive home and he talked very little for the three months that he lived with us before he found a job in Washington D . C . He didn 't seem to care about anything except getting busy someplace far away from us . I couldn 't understand . I thought my heart might break . I had always considered myself a wonderful mother , but now I wondered what I had done wrong . Why didn 't Joe seem to care about me , or his father , or even his little brother ? Joe and David had never been especially close but they had been good friends . Now it was as if they hardly knew each other . David was finishing college , and he was busy with dreams of his own . He seemed grieved by the change in his brother , but he didn 't seem inclined to do anything about it . I remember David came to me as I was sitting on the porch watching the sunset one evening and said , " Don 't worry about Joe , Mom . He 's made his decisions . He can 't go back to being your little boy anymore . You 've got to accept that . " I had no idea what David was talking about , but it seemed to be the advice everyone was giving me . Even Kurt told me not to worry . Joe was a big boy . He would make his own way . And he did . He made his way right into a psychiatric ward where he was helping men who had returned from the war with serious mental conditions . He was a very capable nurse and he got along with everyone , well , almost everyone . It was one of his own patients who killed him . Shot him in the heart . I never knew how a patient got ahold of a gun . At the time , it didn 't seem to matter . Joe was dead and that was all I really needed to know . At his funeral , the director of the hospital came over and shook my and Kurt 's hands and tried to console us . He looked me right in the eye and said that Joe died making a difference . I had to believe that was true . But I couldn 't understand why it was supposed to make me feel better . After all , if he was making a difference , wouldn 't it have been better if he lived ? How did his death serve anyone ? It wasn 't until Kurt and I were cleaning out Joe 's apartment , when I came across his journal , that I began to understand the man my son had become . I found the journal tucked under a copy of The imitation of Christ by Thomas A Kempis . I had heard of the book , but I had never read it , and I was surprised to find it among Joe 's things . I had been more afraid of finding girlie magazines but there was none of that . In fact , his whole apartment was rather Spartan . Kurt put a few of books in a box and then he said he needed to make some phone calls . He left the room and didn 't come back until later that evening when I was about done . I wanted to be angry at him for leaving me to work alone , but then I realized that he couldn 't help himself . Kurt wasn 't the kind of man who could cry in front of people , even me . He needed to be alone to deal with his grief . I figured pretending that everything was okay was the nicest thing I could do . Sometimes not talking was our way of getting through things . I gave most of Joe 's stuff away , but I kept the journal . I couldn 't read it for over a year . But then in late September the following year , I picked it up after lunch , and I didn 't put it down even to make dinner . Kurt had gone to a game with some friends , and David was living on campus . I was completely alone . I wish I hadn 't been . It was an experience that seared my soul forever . The first part of Joe 's journal was much like what I would have expected . He was obsessed with his work , and he wrote about the people he worked with and the things he was doing . But then he wrote about a series of nightmares which were haunting him and his reflections about what they meant . Then a few entries later , Joe finally admitted that he was struggling with his faith . There was a long time lapse between entries at this point and when he finally started writing again , he wrote about his experiences in the Philippines . He had become good friends with a girl there , and he had even thought about bringing her home and marrying her , but then he discovered that she was pregnant . His friends warned him that he would be in a lot of trouble , so they advised him to help the girl get an abortion . Abortion was not an option for this girl or Joe either , but her father found out , and there was a big scene and Joe discovered that he was in bigger trouble than he had realized . The girl 's father wanted Joe to marry her right away , and Joe knew that his dreams for the future were seriously compromised . A friend got him some medicine that was supposed to end the pregnancy quick and easy . Joe gave his girlfriend the medication , telling her that it would make everything better . She believed him and took it and soon became so sick she nearly died . The baby miscarried and Joe transferred to another village . After that , he fulfilled his time in Peace Corps as perfectly as possible . He wrote that he never even looked at another girl for a long time . He tried to put the whole event out of his mind and promised himself that he would make up for his mistake by being the best nurse he could be . And everything seemed to work out . Except that he couldn 't completely forget the girl he once believed he loved , or atone for the past with promises for the future . Nightmares haunted his nights . I sat there sobbing , hugging Joe 's journal , thinking that my son had died a tormented man when I realized that he had left three pages blank before his last entry . When I thought about it later , I realized that perhaps he had left those pages blank for a reason . Maybe he had wanted to mark the place in his journal with white pages , to show the difference in his life . In any case , Kurt came home before I could read that last entry , and it was a long time before I could pick it up again . Kurt never drank much but occasionally when he was out with friends they would stop by someplace and have a few beers . This particular night , he had had more than a few . I wondered at him as he came in swaying haphazardly and I asked him if he wanted anything to eat , but he just waved me away . He said he had finally realized that his whole life was a sham . He was never any hero , and he had never accomplished anything . The world would be better off without him . I was shocked and hurt . After all , if his life was a sham , what was mine ? What was our marriage ? I couldn 't understand this pit he had suddenly fallen into , but I did have sense enough to realize that a good night 's sleep would probably help , so I pretty much agreed with everything he said , and I helped him to the bedroom . I gave him a back massage and let him mumble himself to sleep . As I watched him lying obliquely on the bed half dressed , since I couldn 't manage to get him completely undressed or completely straight on the bed , I realized that this was our life . A half - done life . We had the ideals and the zeal , but we didn 't have something that made things really work out properly . I wondered about that as I made my way to the living room . I didn 't bother undressing either , for I thought Kurt might get sick in the night ; he wasn 't a drinking man and this little bout with the bottle might have other unpleasant consequences . So I just piled up the couch pillows , and I lay in the dark living room and thought about what I had read in Joe 's journal . I don 't know why I didn 't just get it and read the last entry , but I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn 't take one more emotional revelation . I just lay there and wondered what Kurt had meant by his life being a sham . Was his life really a sham ? Didn 't he love me ? What did that say about my life ? I don 't know when I fell asleep , but I awoke to the sound of Kurt calling me from the bathroom . There were other unpleasant consequences all right . That spring David graduated from college with an engineering degree . He had decided that he wanted to specialize in aeronautics and though I didn 't see the " big plan " David seemed to feel that there was one , and he needed to be a part of it . The war had slowed down and was rolling along like many modern wars , mostly on someone else 's turf . I read on - line reports and I wondered if anyone would ever find a way to convince leaders that killing each other 's young people was no way to solve our differences . But I could see the necessity of protecting the innocent . After all , " the only way for evil to conquer was for good men to do nothing . " I had always believed that . So had Kurt and Joe . But now Kurt was submerged in doubt , and Joe was dead . I had a hard time lifting myself to the heights of idealism that I used to love . During that spring and early summer , Kurt seemed to be getting ill a lot . He lost weight and looked tired all the time . I urged him to go to see a doctor , but he insisted that it was just a summer cold and he 'd get over it . He didn 't . By the time he finally did see a doctor , the cancer had spread throughout his lymph nodes and into his bones . It had progressed to the point where even the specialists didn 't think he had much time left . They were willing to do chemo treatments , but Kurt said that he was too old and too tired to fight that hard . He was ready to go . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . I felt like I never knew my husband at all . By the fall , Kurt was in the hospital a lot . I would go see him after a full day of teaching and spend the evening with him , before I went home to shower and get ready for the next day . As we sat there in that white walled room , we would sometimes watch TV or we 'd talk about stuff on the news . Kurt always enjoyed discussing current events , and he loved history so he 'd often tell me everything he knew about the countries that were in the news . He loved sharing his knowledge . That was one reason he had been such a wonderful ESL teacher . He was smart , and he cared about the people he worked with because he knew something about them and where they came from . He had always seen a connectedness between people and events . Yet now , as he slowly succumbed to the ravages of cancer , he didn 't see himself as being particularly connected to anything or anyone . When I asked him why he was so ready to leave me and David behind , he said , " I 'm done - that 's all . I played my part and though it wasn 't as big as I thought it would be , still , I gave it my all . Now it 's my turn to go off stage and let someone else take over . " I remember ; I wanted to slap him . I wanted to beat him on the chest and tell him that he wasn 't God and no one said he could slip quietly into the dark night . But even as I was shaking with fury , I wondered if I was being fair . Kurt had a right to face his death in his own way , and I should be glad he wasn 't suffering any worse . I should be relieved he was accepting his fate . But somewhere in the back of my mind , I was troubled . My heart was hurting and my head was aching . Nothing seemed to be making any sense . I tried to reach back to my youthful sense of high purpose but it was elusive . Everything that used to comfort me was slipping through my fingers . I sat there , the blinds closed against the blazing August sun and Kurt fell into one of his evening naps . I wondered at my stomach crunching distress . I could feel the familiar ache in my middle and knew that inner turmoil was one of the worst pains in the world . I tried to talk myself out of my suffering . If Kurt was accepting his fate , why couldn 't I ? If Joe had died making a difference , then what good did it do to grieve over his death ? Was I was just lonely and frightened ? No , I had friends , and I was certainly capable of taking care of myself . Though I was losing my best friend , I didn 't need to think I was losing my whole life . My life would still have purpose . I would still be a valuable person , and I needed to accept what I could not change . But somehow all my reasoning just made my stomach clench harder and my brain whirl that much faster . Late one October afternoon , one of Kurt 's students came by to see him . He was an elderly Asian man and though many of Kurt 's students had come before to say hi and engage in some kind of humanitarian kindness , this man , I don 't even remember his name , was the kindest of all . He didn 't say much , but as Kurt was sleeping , he just came over and shook my hand then he knelt by Kurt 's bed and began to pray . I was taken a little aback . I wasn 't sure what religion this guy was or who , exactly , he was praying to , but his sincerity was obvious . He stayed there kneeling for what seemed like hours but was probably only just a few minutes . When he got up , he smiled at me and just whispered as he left , " God knows . " I have absolutely no idea why those words comforted me so much , but they did . I could actually feel the knots in my middle unloosen a little and though I didn 't knee on the floor , I did bow my head . Certainly , I had prayed for Kurt just like I had prayed for Joe . A priest had come in and anointed Kurt . Our faith had been an intrinsic part of our lives . But suddenly , I saw things from a different view . It was as if I was looking at my life from a new perspective . In my youth , I had always been trying to make a difference . Then as tragedy entered , I tried desperately to grasp its meaning . Everyone advised acceptance but that had seemed cowardly , elusive , a run - away kind of thing . But there , as an October rain drizzled against those never - opened windows , for a brief second , I grasped what I was missing . Kurt died in November , the day before Thanksgiving . We hadn 't planned much since he was so ill but several of his relatives had come to town for family get - togethers so , in a way , it was good timing . Everyone was close , and the funeral was arranged without difficulty . Kurt had insisted on making out a will as soon as he knew he was seriously ill , so money matters slipped into place easily . David came home from his work at NASA , and he did everything he could to help me out . He was as good and kind a son as a mother could want . But he didn 't talk much about his work . He just said that there were a lot of wonderful possibilities in the future , and he wanted to explore some of them . I knew he had always been interested in space exploration , but as he turned his attention toward engineering and then toward planes , I figured his childhood fantasies of traveling to far off planets had vanished like other vaporous dreams . It turned out I was wrong . His dreams had never died and as he faced a world in turmoil and the deaths of his brother and father , his dreams seemed to revive with alacrity . Even during that wet and cold November , he would sit out on the porch in the evenings watching as the sky turned from misty - grey to solemn - black . When I came out and asked him why he didn 't come inside where it was warm , he simply said he was watching for any stars which might break through the clouds . I remember telling him that any stars which broke through a November night were more likely to be airplanes or aliens , and he just chuckled and said , " Maybe so , maybe so . " I finally had the courage to read the last chapter of Joe 's journal that winter , and I could have kicked myself for waiting so long . It turned out that Joe had met someone in the hospital that he really admired , and he had shared his turmoil with him . The man , whose name was Dr . Scanlon , was just starting out , but he must have had been born with the wisdom of the ages for he told Joe that his mission in life was not defined by his mistakes but by how he handled his mistakes . Apparently Joe got a new lease on life , and he realized that he would never be a perfect man . That job had already been taken . He was called to be as good a man as he could be , and when he slipped up , he was called to stand back up and try again . I realized as I read this , how common place those words seemed . They were the kinds of things I told my fifth graders . But I understood that Joe had grasped them on a whole new level . I suppose someone would say that Joe had been born again . He suddenly seemed to believe that his life had a meaning beyond what he could fully grasp . And that encouraged him . " Thank God , " I murmured as I sat there on my bed once more rocking and hugging his journal to my chest . " Thank God . " The next time David came home for a visit , I handed him Joe 's journal and told him he 'd enjoy the last entry . David only smiled and said that he probably knew more about Joe than I realized . Joe had called him the day before he died and said that he was thinking about asking out a particularly beautiful intern . They had laughed together , and David said he felt that Joe was relieved of a heavy burden . I just stared at my son and asked him if there was any hope that I would know him before I died , and he smiled that bewildering smile he has , and said that he would share more ― if he could . I just sighed and shook my head . David then did one of the most surprising things he has ever done . He took my hand and he led me out to the twilight sky and he pointed to the stars . He said , " Look up there , Mom , and tell me what you see . " I told him I saw a multitude of twinkling lights that scientists tell me are really balls of burning gas bigger than the earth and that though I believe them , I 'd be equally content to have them just be twinkling lights . David has such an infectious laugh . I had to laugh with him . We stood there , him holding my hand like a little boy again , and he suddenly turned to me and said , " What if I told you that out there lies the hope of humanity ? If only we have the daring to realize it ? " Well , what could I say ? What would you say ? I remembered my youth and I felt a strange flicker of hope and life . I felt his excitement . But I also felt a ripple of fear . What was he about to do ? What was he about to risk ? So I looked at his upturned face and I asked him , " What do you mean ? Tell me about it . " So David explained . He told me all about how he was working on the design for a settlement on Mars and how one day he hoped to be part of a mission which would initiate the first building efforts on Mars . There was even talk of him being a part of the next space mission so that he could better prepare himself for that experience and have a better understanding of what would be needed for a lifetime in a space settlement . I stared at David , much like I had stared at Kurt , wondering if I ever knew the man in front of me . I asked him why he had never shared these plans with me before , and he chuckled again . " Some of this is not for the general public , Mom , and besides , it still sounds strange even to my ears . I wasn 't sure I could handle the bewildered expression I see in your eyes now . There was a time when I would have doubted my sanity for even dreaming of such things . " David had grinned . " Now I feel a confidence born of grace . I trust that if God wants this done , it will be done . And I 'll be the man to help do it . " There was so little I could say at that point . I realized that my whole life had been the humus of this dream . David 's dream , like so many others : Christopher Columbus , Einstein , Albert Switzer , Mother Teresa , had borne fruit not from the desert of fantasy , but from the nurturing love of family who dared to believe in things , who dared to dream big dreams even when those big dreams ended up being little more than a life well lived or a death well faced . I stood there as the clouds passed away and the stars broke through , twinkling their hearts out . I held my son 's hand and I never wanted to let him go . So the Earth continues to revolve around the sun in its allotted course , and seven more years have passed . David has been on two space missions , and now , he has to decide if he will go on this last one . This will be a mission which will take him further than even my imagination can travel . He will begin a new phase in his dream . He will be a part of a team that will begin building a settlement on a very , very distant planet . He will likely spend the rest of his life working with robots and men who have sacrificed everything for a home very different from this one . He 's never been a coward , and he doesn 't expect to start now . I always wished David would settle down and have a family , but now I see how that was always impossible . He was a man born for a mission . I guess , we all have our missions . Perhaps mine was to give life to such a man and to plant a seed of daring hope . Have I made a difference ? Did Kurt ? Surely when Kurt read those stories to the boys , he made a difference in the kind of young men they would be . He did as much as I to form them , not just their bodies , but their very souls . Kurt died believing his mission was over . Joe died trying to help an insane man deal with his suffering , hoping to have a family of his own someday . His life was about never giving up . My mission ? The winds have picked up , and I can hear David 's car pull into the driveway . He said he would come home tonight , even if it was late . It 's nearly midnight . It is raining now and there is a rumble of thunder in the distance . I suppose , he has accepted his mission . The forecast says that the temperature will drop tonight , down to the forties . Winter is on its way . Autumn can 't last forever . No season ever does . I left some chicken and fixings on a plate for him . I guess I 'll warm them up and sit with him awhile . I even made a few chocolate brownies . They 're his favorite .

Chris was having a good night , sitting at home , relaxing , and contemplating what to do . His wife Liz had left him everything as a result of her untimely death , including her photography studio . Chris had helped her out around the place , and had dabbled in the art , but never thought about taking it up seriously . Liz had given him enough pointers so he could take a decent photo , but there was so more to learn . Chris 's next thought took him aback . " I 'm 45 , and been doing the same thing for the last 20 years . It 's time for a change . " And with that , Chris had made his up mind . Chris started drafting his letter of resignation , and started looking at photography courses on line . By the end of the night , Chris had enrolled in a photography course that started in a months ' time , and had compiled his letter of resignation , giving his boss 2 weeks ' notice . The course was due scheduled to take 12 months to complete , and required a portfolio of works , so the instructors could gauge the overall skills of the class . Chris looked at the clock , and saw that it was only 8 o ' clock , so he picked up the phone , and rang his son , Richard . " Hi Richard , " Chris said when his son answered the phone , " I have some news for you and Marinda . Could you guys come over for dinner tomorrow night ? " He asked after all the usual niceties . Chris sat in his recliner , relaxed , and started on a beer , as he waited for Richard , and Marinda to arrive . Not long after that Richard arrived with Marinda . Chris let them in , gave Richard a beer , and then he headed out the back to start to BBQ . Richard , Marinda and Chris stood around the BBQ as the steaks cooked , but for some reason , Chris couldn 't take his eyes of Marinda . She was dressed casually , wearing a blouse , which covered her chest comfortably , and a long flowing skirt , her blonde hair was blowing softly in the breeze , and her womanly curves were not overly prominent . Once the steaks were cooked , everyone headed inside , and Chris asked Marinda to grab the salad from the fridge , and Richard to grab some more beer . Once we were seated at the table , and everyone was served , Richard asked " What 's on your mind , dad ? What 's this news you have for us ? " With that question asked , Chris had no option other than to answer it . So he took a deep breath , and said " Well Richard , I have decided to quit my job , and I am enrolling in a photography course . I am going to try and make your mum 's studio everything she dreamed it would be . " The news went down better than Chris had anticipated . Richard actually seemed impressed with his determination , and vision . The rest of the meal went well , there were some jokes told , and the mood was generally pretty good . Once dinner was finished , and the plates were empty , Marinda cleared the table , and went in to the kitchen . Both Chris and Richard could hear the water running , which told them that Marinda was doing the dishes . Knowing that they had a few minutes , Chris decided to approach Richard about using Marinda as a model for my portfolio . " Richard , I have enrolled in a photography course , as you know , and need to compile a portfolio for my the photography course , before the course starts , and I was wondering firstly if you think Marinda would help me out by letting me photograph her , and secondly if you would object . " Richard fell silent in thought , and didn 't answer me straight away , but when he did answer Richard said , " I don 't have a problem with it dad , but I can 't answer for Marinda . I think that is something that she should decide , not me . But I will go into the kitchen and talk to her about it . " With that said , Richard stood up , and headed in to the kitchen , leaving Chris alone at the table to finish his beer . Then her husband put his arms around her . " Dad has requested a favour of you . It 's to do with that photography course . He needs to put a portfolio together before the course starts , so he was wondering if you would … " A stunned Richard , at first , was lost for words . Then as he was about to say something , his wife spoke . " You seem to have forgotten what you made me do , when we got engaged . " Then she began to poke her husband in his stomach . " And now , you have no problem with me posing for your father . You hypocrite ! " Then she waited for Richard 's response to her outburst , an outburst that she hoped Chris hadn 't heard . As the father of her husband , she loved him dearly , just as much as she did with her own parents . Hanging his head , Richard said , " Yes , I did , didn 't I ? And you have ever right to be angry with me , honey . Now , I regret that decision to make you stop modeling . It was a bad , no , it was a major mistake on my behalf . I 'll go and tell dad that you can 't do it . " " Oh no , you won 't ! " exclaimed Marinda . What a way to have some fun for herself , she suddenly thought , when compared to being stuck at home , looking after the house , doing the laundry , cooking meals , while Richard was either at work , or on one of his business trips to Japan for his company . Then shoving a dish cloth in her husband 's hands , she said , " Here ! You do the dishes , and then clean the BBQ , while I chat with your father about his request . If I agree to pose for him , it 's because I 'm doing it out of respect for him , not because you have now changed your mine on me being a model , even if it 's just to pose , temporally , for your father . " Marinda needed to clean herself up first . To get to the bathroom , she had go through the living room , passing Chris in the process . " I 'll be back in a minute or two , Chris , and then we 'll discuss your request . " In the bathroom , Marinda looked at herself in the mirror , making sure she looked respectable for her potential client , even if it was her father - in - law . 5 ' 7 " , 34 - 24 - 34 , blonde , emerald eyes . - Yes , she had it all , and in the right places . Now it was time to see what Chris had to offer . Chris was taken aback by Marinda 's fleeting appearance and comment in the living room . He wondered why she sounded so formal , so business like , he chalked it up to the slight disturbance he had overheard . Nonetheless , his eyes followed her as she stepped so lightly , so elegantly , so ladylike , through the living room . As Chris waited for Marinda , he took a big mouthful of his beer , and waited for her return . A minute or two later , Marinda reappeared in the living room , sat down opposite Chris , and said " Chris , Richard tells me that you would like me to model for you for about … thirty days , I believe . I wonder if you could let me know what type of poses you are looking for . " Again her boldness , and directness , threw Chris off balance . He was not used to Marinda being so forthcoming . Chris tried to hide his shock when he answered her saying , " Yes I would Marinda . I need to put together a portfolio , for my photography course . I was thinking of doing a variety of shoots , to demonstrate that I know what I am doing with a camera . " Chris paused to give Marinda a chance to respond , and he took another mouthful of beer , before continuing , " I would like to do some shots in the studio , like portraits shots , I would also like to do some photoshop shots , where you work with a backdrop , and I photoshop in a jungle background , or you patting a lion . I would also like to go the beach , and get some photos of you in the surf , and running on the sand etcetera . " All the while he was saying this he was watching Marinda , mesmerised by her sparkling emerald eyes , and the beauty she was radiating . Before Marinda had a chance to digest what Chris had said , he continued , as he stood and headed out of the room , " And I would also like to do some photos up here , maybe in the stables , or around a fire . But if you do accept I would be willing to pay you for your time , and give you duplicates of all the photos I use . Would you like another beer ? " Marinda sat in silence as Chris told her what he planned for his portfolio . The more he told her , the more she felt herself being drawn deeper into his plans . This is what she had been dreaming of , since she had been forced to stop her modelling career , before it had even started . The places Chris wanted to take her - places she had hardly been since she her marriage to his son - the ideas he offered , all of which were sinking into her mind . Then he offered to pay her , and give her duplicates of all the photos he would take of her . Before Marinda had a chance to respond , Chris went away , returning with beer for both of them only a few moments later . He then told her , that he needed her decision by the following night . But Marinda didn 't require more time . Pushing her beer bottle away , she said , " At modelling school , I was told that I shouldn 't drink alcohol at least twenty - four hours before a shoot . I 'm not going to pose for you , to get money , but if you insist , then my fee is $ 20 per hour , but I will accept the duplicate photos anyway . " " That 's great Marinda , and I am sure we will work well together . I need you to wait here for a minute . " Chris said as he stood up , and said " Excuse me please . " Chris walked out of the living room , in the opposite direction of the kitchen . When Chris returned , he had an envelope in his hand , which he sat on the table . Once Chris sat back down at the table , he made eye contact with Marinda , and said , " Since your modelling school suggested no drinking for 24 hours before a shoot , I would like you to go shopping tomorrow . I was thinking that we could start by doing a photo shoot in the studio . I would like you to like you to bring a few changes of clothing . Because after I do your portraits , I will be doing the backdrop shots , if we have the time . I also want you at the studio natural , no makeup ; I will have a makeup artist at the studio for you . " Just then Richard came out of the kitchen his face was long , and said , " Sorry to do this Marinda . But I need to get home . I have to leave to go to Japan early tomorrow morning . There are problems over there , and I might be gone for 2 - 3 weeks . " Richard didn 't look overly impressed about having to leave for Japan , but work was work , and unfortunately with Richard , work came first . Richard then turned to his father , and said , " Thanks for dinner dad . Everything has been washed , and the BBQ cleaned . I 'll email you when I get to Japan . " Chris could feel the tension looming , and decided a tactical retreat might be best . Chris Stood up from the table , and excused himself , saying to Richard in a cold , unimpressed voice , " I need to stable the horses . Just close the door behind you when you go . " Chris then turned to Marinda and said , " If you would still like to talk about the photo shoot , you can either call me , or come down to the stables , once Richard leaves . " He said , in somewhat warmer tone of voice . As Chris walked to the stables , he was fuming with anger . If Chris had taught Richard anything , it was to treat his women with respect . It seemed coincidental that Richard had to leave for 2 - 3 weeks without warning , which just happened to be the same amount of time she would be posing for his father on what would be close to , if not , a daily basis . Telling her husband that she still needed to talk to his father about a couple of things , she kissed him , passionately , which he returned , before watching him leave , after which she closed the door , and went to search for Chris near the stables . Finding him , she said , " I was just wondering what type of clothing you want me to buy , or do you want me to make that decision ? If the latter , I was thinking of a business suit , as it 's made up of different items , which can be exchanged . For example , I could wear pants , and then change them for a skirt . Pose with , and without the jacket . Pumps , then high heels . Wear my hair up then down . That sort of thing , but you 're the boss . " Chris was just rounding up the last horse when he spotted Marinda walking down the paddock towards him . His first thought was , " I wonder what happened ? I wonder if she is staying here the night . " Chris was expecting Marinda to be dishevelled , upset , or maybe even angry ; instead she was her calm , businesslike self that she was before Richard dropped the bombshell about having to go to Japan . Chris heard Marinda 's question about what clothing he had wanted her to buy . But he wasn 't quite ready to answer that . Chris was still upset about the way Richard , had spoken to Marinda , in front of him . Marinda took Chris 's silence , as some form of ignorance , though it was anything but . When Marinda told Chris , " Oh , Richard has left already , so I was wondering if you could drive me home . I 'll pay you for your time and gas , just as he was closing the stable door . Chris secured the door , turned to Marinda , and said , " I 'll drive you home , but we are family Marinda . You are like a daughter to me . I don 't want you to pay me for doing you a favour . " Chris 's tone was short , and sharp , to indicate that he was hurt by her offer . As they were in the stables , and next door was the barn , Chris said to Marinda , " As for the clothing , I like your idea of interchangeable clothing , but I was thinking of you buying a few outfits . I can 't photo shop you into a jungle , while you are wearing a business suit . " Chris chuckled at that idea , before continuing , " Ideally , the business suit would do nicely for the portrait shoot . But as I said to you I want to try and get a wide range of shots , ranging from shots taken in here , and the barn , so I was thinking a cowgirl look , to photos at the beach , so ideally a bikini , or swimming costume , and maybe a sarong , or sundress . " Chris smiled to himself at the thought of seeing his daughter - in - law , wearing next to nothing . With that said , Chris ushered Marinda out of the stables , and shut the big wooden doors . " I think it might be best if I take you home now , considering Richard has to go over to Japan tomorrow . I 'm guessing you would like to make the most of his last night here . " Chris said , as the doors clicked shut . Chris offered his arm to Marinda for the 5 minute walk to the house . Once at the house , Chris locked the back door , and went about closing the house up . " I won 't be long , I just need to lock up and grab my keys and wallet . " Chris said as he pulled the kitchen window closed . Marinda stood in the living room , going over in her mind how to come up with a cowgirl outfit . She had seen many photos of them , while studying at modelling school . Some wore jeans , others wore shorts , and in most they had knotted their shirt up , thus revealing a bare midriff . Some wore boots , but those who posed on hay , were bare footed . After opening the car door for Marinda to get in , and making sure she was comfortable , Chris walked around the front of the car , got in , and then drove away . For the first minute , nothing was said between them . Eventually , Marinda asked Chris , " The cowgirl outfit . Do you want jeans or shorts ? Boots or bare footed ? " As for the portrait , how about I wear my evening gown along with opera gloves . I think that would make a more appealing portrait then a business suit , would it not ? The summer dress and the sarong are no problem , but … the bikini … well … Richard only wants me to wear a swimsuit , because he doesn 't want other men staring at me at the pool parties , we host . " I 'm sorry to say this about your son , Chris , but I think he 's a hypocrite for that . He likes gawking at other girls in bikinis at the parties , but he sure as hell , doesn 't want other guys doing the same to me . But , again , you 're the boss , not Richard . If you want me to pose in a bikini , then so be it ! " Chris closed the car door after Marinda settled in to the passenger side of his car , and walked around to the driver 's side , jumped in the car , and turned the key , and let the car idle as he put his belt on , and drove his car out of the garage , and down his drive way . Once Chris had turned the car on to the road , Marinda said " The cowgirl outfit . Do you want jeans or shorts ? Boots or bare footed ? As for the portrait , how about I wear my evening gown along with opera gloves . I think that would make a more appealing portrait then a business suit , would it not ? The summer dress and the sarong are no problem , but … the bikini … well … Richard only wants me to wear a swimsuit , because he doesn 't want other men staring at me at the pool parties , we host . " Before continuing " I 'm sorry to say this about your son , Chris , but I think he 's a hypocrite for that . He likes gawking at other girls in bikinis at the parties , but he sure as hell , doesn 't want other guys doing the same to me . But , again , you 're the boss , not Richard . If you want me to pose in a bikini , then so be it ! " Chris drew a breath , and said , " Well Marinda , I was thinking about you in cut off jean shorts , you know , a little longer than the short shorts all the girls are wearing these days , only because the focus of those shots , is going to be the beauty of your body , and highlighting your curves . For the portrait , you can wear an evening gown , if that is what you feel would be best . " Chris paused , as he contemplated Richard and the bikini . Chris stopped at a red light , and looked at Marinda , and said , " I don 't want to make any more problems for you and Richard , with the bikini shoot , but a woman of your beauty , shouldn 't be forced to hide her body in a one piece suit . " The car behind tooted , because Chris had missed the light change , and he started driving again , and continued to say , " I think it wrong of him to tell you what you can , and can 't , wear . I also understand what you are saying about him being a hypocrite . But if you are agreeable , we could do a shoot of you in a one piece , that way you can show him those pictures , and we could do a shoot of you in a bikini , and the only people to see those pictures would be you and me . But that is only if you agree to that . " As they kept driving towards Richard and Marinda 's house , Chris said , " Marinda , I get the feeling that there are some problems between you and Richard . Irrespective of the fact I am his father , I want you to know that you can talk to me . I am not going to go and tell Richard what you say . I would be a sounding board for you . " Chris then put his hand on Marinda 's thigh , and said , " Marinda , you mean a lot to me , I love the fact you are part of this family , and as head of this family , I want to do everything I can to help . " Normally , she would go shopping on her own , but with her husband going away early the next morning , Marinda could do with some company . " Well , if you want to come shopping with me , you 're more than welcome . If you do , you can help select the outfits . That way you can pick the ones you prefer me to wear , as long as they are not too revealing , especially the bikini ! If I think an item is a bit risqué for my liking , I hope you don 't mind me telling you . " " Thanks for the ride , Chris , and asking me to model for you . I hope I won 't let you down . Er . . . what time are you coming to pick me up ? " Chris was surprised when Marinda accepted his offer to go shopping , but he was glad that he could have an input in to the outfits , he knew he would get the looks he was after . Although he was a little disappointed to hear Marinda say , " . . . That way you can pick the ones you prefer me to wear , as long as they are not too revealing , especially the bikini ! If I think an item is a bit risqué for my liking , I hope you don 't mind me telling you . " Chris went to give Marinda a hug goodbye , when she leant in and kissed him goodbye . But the kiss was over before he had a chance to react , and Chris 's hands ran over Marinda 's side , and light cascaded off her breasts . Chris just acted natural , and said goodnight . Chris leant against his car , as he watched Marinda walk off towards her front door . When Marinda was about 6 steps away from him , she turned around to him and said , " Thanks for the ride , Chris , and asking me to model for you . I hope I won 't let you down . Er . . . what time are you coming to pick me up ? " Chris said " The pleasure is mine , and thank you for saying yes . I 'm sure you won 't let me down . I just hope I do you justice in the pictures . I 'll pick you up about 9 , that way we can get there when the shops open . Were you thinking of going to boutiques , or to a department store to go shopping ? " Chris asked . " Well , the boutiques are more inclined to have better quality , but are more expensive . I would think that the chances of getting a matching cowgirl outfit from them are very good . As for the summer dress , both sell them , but , again , it comes down to quality . I recommend that we get the swimsuit and sarong from a store that just deals in swimwear , as they would have a greater selection , " said Marinda , making sure that she didn 't say anything about bikinis , just in case Richard could hear them . " I think I better go in now , and help Richard pack . I 'll see you tomorrow at 9 , Chris . " Marinda said as she waved him goodbye , before entering her home . The house was in darkness , except for some light here and there . Entering their bedroom , Marinda found Richard fast asleep , with his packed cases placed by the window . So much for making his night enjoyable , she thought . The she spotted a note on her pillowcase . It was in Richard 's handwriting . Please forgive my attitude towards you at dads . It was wrong of me . The kiss we exchanged was wonderful . I knew there and then , that you still love me , despite what had happened earlier . The next morning , Marinda woke to find her husband no longer lying by her side . Looking at her clock , she was stunned . It showed 4 : 55 . " What the hell ? He promised to wake me up at four ! " Going down , she found Richard by the front door , with his cases be his side . " The limo is here . I 'll text you when I arrive at the airport . I 've left you a note on the kitchen counter . Goodbye , sweetheart . " She was in such a shock , that she couldn 't find the strength to open the door , to wave him goodbye . Tears flowed like a waterfall , as she walked to the kitchen . Finding the note , she read it . Time seemed to pass by , and before she knew , she heard the doorbell ring . The clock said 8 : 58 . Knowing it was Chris ; she quickly got up , raced to the shoe closet , and put on matching high - heels . Then taking a deep breath , Marinda opened the door , to see a smiling Chris standing before her . With that she went to the kitchen , grabbed the note her husband had written her , and then went back to find Chris holding the car 's passenger door open for her . Locking the front door , she looked at him , trying to find any traits her husband had inherited from his father . It was difficult for her . They seemed to be two different men . Without giving him a chance to respond , Marinda told him what had happened since she arrived home , the previous evening . They she gave him the note that she had retrieved from the kitchen . " Read that ! Who does he think I am ? His bloody maid ? " Chris listened as Marinda answered his question , with an expertise that he didn 't expect . Marinda said , rather knowledgably , " Well , the boutiques are more inclined to have better quality , but are more expensive . I would think that the chances of getting a matching cowgirl outfit from them are very good . As for the summer dress , both sell them , but , again , it comes down to quality . I recommend that we get the swimsuit and sarong from a store that just deals in swimwear , as they would have a greater selection . " Chris also noted the sad tone that crept in to her voice as she said " I think I better go in now , and help Richard pack . I 'll see you tomorrow at 9 , Chris . " Whether the sadness in her voice was intentional , or accidental , it had an impact on Chris . Chris returned Marinda 's wave , and said " Sleep well . " as she stepped in to her house . Chris sat down and drank another beer , and watched some TV trying to forget about Marinda , and the tension he had witnessed , in his own house . But the more Chris tried to forget about it , the madder he got . Chris had tried to teach Richard to treat his women with respect . Chris had made a point of never fighting with his mother in front of Richard . Chris had gone out of his way to please his mother . Chris didn 't understand what was going with his son . He was looking for answers . But these were answers that only Richard could give him . Chris went and showered , hoping that the water cascading off him , would take his thoughts of Marinda away , as it ran down the drain . It worked for all of about the first 3 seconds . As Chris 's body adjust to the water , his plan worked , but once his body was adjusted to the water , Marinda slowly worked her way back in to his thoughts . As Chris washed himself , he wondered what it would feel like to have his daughter - in - law wash him . Chris then knew that he had crossed the lines of morality . The lines he valued so dearly . Chris scolded himself for having such lewd thoughts . Chris was unaware of his body 's reaction to his thoughts . The reaction he had shocked him . It wasn 't until he started drying himself that Chris realised that he had a semi - erection . This infuriated Chris . He was getting all hot and horny over his daughter - in - law . Chris hung his towel up , and walked to his room naked , crawled in to bed , and tried to sleep . Chris tossed and turned that night . He was still angry with himself because of the thoughts he had had the night before . But nonetheless , Chris got out of bed , and followed his usual morning routine . Once Chris had had his usual cup of coffee , and 2 pieces of toast , he meandered back to his room , and debated what to wear . Chris pulled out a pair of faded blue jeans , and a polo shirt , and then decided against them . He threw them back into the closet , and pulled out a pair of dress pants , and collared shirt . Chris got dressed , and then splashed on some of his favourite cologne , and checked the time on his bedside clock , and saw that it was 8 : 25 . He grabbed his keys , and headed out to the car . Before leaving , Chris plugged his iPod into the car stereo , and put on the playlist full of 80 's and 90 's music . Chris drove along , bopping away to music from his era , and laughing at the traffic that was congested on the other side of the road . Chris turned in to Marinda 's street , and pulled up out the front of his son 's house , and visions of selected moments of last night flashed before his eyes . He replayed the moment Richard put his hand on Marinda 's shoulder and said , in a cold voice " Are you coming home with me , or will you be coming home later ? " , and could almost feel the tension again , even though it was only a replay of the night before . Chris wondered how the night had panned out , but decided not to ask about it . Instead he reminded himself that this was for his course , and he was going to professional . He got out of the car , and didn 't bother locking it , as he started up the path to Marinda 's front door . Chris reached the front door , and rang the doorbell . Chris was in awe when Marinda opened the door , and saw her . The deep blue dress she had chosen complimented her eyes , and her blonde hair was a stark contrast to the fabric , but overall she looked gorgeous . All he could do was smile for the moment she stood in the doorway , before she said " I 'll be right back , Chris . " Marinda 's action 's caused Chris some concern , but he just headed back to the car , opened Marinda 's door , and leant against the car , as he waited for Marinda to reappear . Marinda wasn 't even a minute , and Chris thought that she must have forgotten to lock the back door , or shut a window or something , as she moved effortlessly down the path . Her body moved so fluidly , her hair bounced with each step she took . He thought about how good the photos of her would turn out , and hoped that his teachers would see her beauty too . Once Marinda was settled and comfortable in the car , Chris closed the door behind her , and walked around the car , and climbed in his side . Chris had barely done his seatbelt up , when Marinda said , " Before we leave , I want to say something . Do you remember , that you asked me if there was a problem between Richard and me , and to let you know ? " Before Chris had a chance to respond , Marinda told him about the events that had occurred , since he had driven her home . Without missing a beat , Marinda gave Chris the note that Richard had left her . " Read that ! Who does he think I am ? His bloody maid ? " Chris listened as Marinda told him everything , and when he read the note , his blood boiled . Chris was ready to explode . He hadn 't even started the car , and already this day had done nothing but raise his blood pressure . Chris knew that Marinda needed consoling , and could see the tears welling in Marinda 's eyes . Chris didn 't know what to say . Chris patted Marinda on the thigh , and rest his hand there as he said " I 'm sorry about Richard , I don 't know what has come over him . I tried my best to instil decent values into him , and to treat his women with respect . But it seems I failed . Would it have killed him to sign the note Love Richard ? Would it have killed him to at least stir when you kissed him good night ? Would it have hurt him to wake you to have breakfast with him ? I mean , he asked you to move here from your home town , give up all your family , and friends , and he treats you like this . It 's enough to drive me around the bend , treating a gorgeous girl like you like this . " Marinda gave Chris the name of a shopping centre , and Chris started off towards the shops . As he started driving , Chris said , " Marinda . . . I know this may be none of my business . . . But . . . How long have things been this bad with you and Richard ? " With tears in her eyes , she said , " About a month now . I have no idea why , but he 's no longer the man I fell in love with . We both wanted children , but now he wants to wait . In fact he told me to go on the pill . I want to be the mother of the next generation of your family tree , Chris , but it takes two to do it , and with me on the pill , how on earth will that happen ? I love Richard so much , but there is a limit . It 's as if I 'm a trophy wife , dressed up in an evening gown when he puts on special parties for his clients . " Then Marinda put her hand on Chris 's thigh . " I 'm sure you didn 't treat Liz that way . Even though I hadn 't known her for long , before her passing , I knew she was filled with love for you . Oh , how you must miss her . " Chris listened to Marinda as she explained everything that had been going on . He felt saddened by what his son had done , and felt sympathy for Marinda . He was mortified when he heard what Richard had asked her to do . Chris couldn 't believe that Richard had asked Marinda to wait to start a family . When Marinda said " I 'm sure you didn 't treat Liz that way . Even though I hadn 't known her for long , before her passing , I knew she was filled with love for you . Oh , how you must miss her . " The memories Chris had of Liz came flooding back . Chris went quiet and sombre for a minute , before pulling the car up , and looking at Marinda . He saw tears running down her cheek , and gently wiped them away . Chris resisted the urge to hold Marinda , instead he said , " You 're right Marinda , I never treated Liz that way . In fact , I treated her like a queen . She was the centre of my world , and her death shattered me . " Chris grabbed Marinda 's hand , and said , " All I can do is apologise for my son , I tried to teach him better . If you want , when he comes back I can try and talk to him , but I can 't promise anything . " Chris let go of Marinda 's hand , and wiped her cheek again , before starting the car in the direction of the mall . They travelled in silence for a while , before Chris said , " Marinda , I was thinking , and please don 't think any less of me for suggesting this , but you and Richard used to travel together , even if it was for work . For the last 4 trips , Richard has been going alone , and he is getting less notice to travel . Like yesterday , I didn 't even hear his phone ring , but he said work rang , so we have to believe him . Do you think it is possible , that Richard has a lady in Japan , or somewhere else , and is using work as a cover ? " By the time Chris had finished explaining his theory to Marinda , they had pulled in to a parking spot at the mall , and Chris decided that since this issue had been addressed , it needed to be concluded before they went shopping . Once Chris had turned the car off he turned to Marinda and said , " I 'm not saying he is having an affair , or anything like that . But something must be going on to explain the changes Richard is showing . " As Chris finished saying that , he rested his hand on Marinda 's thigh , " You deserve to know what is going on Marinda . " Marinda didn 't want to keep talking about her matrimony problems , because she really wanted to go shopping for outfits . " Unless , I have proof of Richard 's infidelity , I can 't really confront him . Look , I don 't want to be rude , I know you mean well , but we have other things on our mind at the moment . " Chris offered his arm to Marinda as they walked towards the mall , which she thankfully accepted . Soon they entered the boutique . " Can I help you ? The female store clerk asked . As Marinda turned to Chris and said " Okay , Chris , which ones do you want me to pose in ? " The sales lady started rummaging through the display and pulled out a coat hanger , that had a red checked shirt hanging off it , and a pair of shorts under it . " I think this will be your size ma ' am . " The sales lady said as soon as Marinda finished asking Chris . Chris looked at it , and smiled . " I think that this would look great . " Chris said as he took it off the sales lady , and held it up surveying it . Chris sensed a hint of hesitation from Marinda , as she took the coat hanger , " Why don 't you go try it on . Let 's see what you look like in it . I think you would look stunning . " Chris said pushing the coat hanger towards Marinda , offering it to her a bit more firmly , his knuckles just glancing off Marinda 's breast . " Sorry Marinda , I didn 't mean to touch you there . " As shocks of excitement rushed through Chris 's body . As she took off her dress , she took in the shorts Chris had given her . " Boy , those don 't leave much to one 's imagination , " she softly muttered . But there was no way ; she was going to wear those without panties . Taking a deep breath , she pulled the shorts up her legs until they sat over her panties . Looking in the mirror , Marinda was surprised to find that the outline of her panties didn 't show . Then she picked up the red checker shirt , and slipped it on over her shoulders . Then pulling it up , she knotted it just below her breasts , while making sure that her bra wasn 't visible . The sales lady directed their attention to a display of boots against the far wall . There were boots in all different colours , and styles . Chris walked over to the display , and picked up a pair of light tan boots , with dark brown stitching . The stitching resembled a rose , but none the less , Chris thought the stark contrast would look good in print . She studied the boots in detail . " They do look nice , don 't they ? Let me try them on . " With that Marinda sat down and slowly encased her lower legs into them . Then standing up , she walked around , making sure the boots were comfortable for walking in . " They 'll do fine Chris . Let me go and change back into my dress , and if it 's okay with you , I 'll wear these just to soften them up a bit . " Then she noticed the bulge in Chris ' jeans . Not wanting to embarrass the sales lady , Marinda leaned closer to him , and said softly , " You better do something about your manly weapon , before you pay the bill , otherwise the sales lady , will think it 's aiming at her you know what ! " Then she winked , before heading off to the changing room . Once they had left the shop , Chris turned to Marinda and said " Well , that wasn 't as painful as I thought it was going to be . Where to now my dear ? " He asked , half - chuckling as he said it .

Chris was having a good night , sitting at home , relaxing , and contemplating what to do . His wife Liz had left him everything as a result of her untimely death , including her photography studio . Chris had helped her out around the place , and had dabbled in the art , but never thought about taking it up seriously . Liz had given him enough pointers so he could take a decent photo , but there was so more to learn . Chris 's next thought took him aback . " I 'm 45 , and been doing the same thing for the last 20 years . It 's time for a change . " And with that , Chris had made his up mind . Chris started drafting his letter of resignation , and started looking at photography courses on line . By the end of the night , Chris had enrolled in a photography course that started in a months ' time , and had compiled his letter of resignation , giving his boss 2 weeks ' notice . The course was due scheduled to take 12 months to complete , and required a portfolio of works , so the instructors could gauge the overall skills of the class . Chris looked at the clock , and saw that it was only 8 o ' clock , so he picked up the phone , and rang his son , Richard . " Hi Richard , " Chris said when his son answered the phone , " I have some news for you and Marinda . Could you guys come over for dinner tomorrow night ? " He asked after all the usual niceties . Chris sat in his recliner , relaxed , and started on a beer , as he waited for Richard , and Marinda to arrive . Not long after that Richard arrived with Marinda . Chris let them in , gave Richard a beer , and then he headed out the back to start to BBQ . Richard , Marinda and Chris stood around the BBQ as the steaks cooked , but for some reason , Chris couldn 't take his eyes of Marinda . She was dressed casually , wearing a blouse , which covered her chest comfortably , and a long flowing skirt , her blonde hair was blowing softly in the breeze , and her womanly curves were not overly prominent . Once the steaks were cooked , everyone headed inside , and Chris asked Marinda to grab the salad from the fridge , and Richard to grab some more beer . Once we were seated at the table , and everyone was served , Richard asked " What 's on your mind , dad ? What 's this news you have for us ? " With that question asked , Chris had no option other than to answer it . So he took a deep breath , and said " Well Richard , I have decided to quit my job , and I am enrolling in a photography course . I am going to try and make your mum 's studio everything she dreamed it would be . " The news went down better than Chris had anticipated . Richard actually seemed impressed with his determination , and vision . The rest of the meal went well , there were some jokes told , and the mood was generally pretty good . Once dinner was finished , and the plates were empty , Marinda cleared the table , and went in to the kitchen . Both Chris and Richard could hear the water running , which told them that Marinda was doing the dishes . Knowing that they had a few minutes , Chris decided to approach Richard about using Marinda as a model for my portfolio . " Richard , I have enrolled in a photography course , as you know , and need to compile a portfolio for my the photography course , before the course starts , and I was wondering firstly if you think Marinda would help me out by letting me photograph her , and secondly if you would object . " Richard fell silent in thought , and didn 't answer me straight away , but when he did answer Richard said , " I don 't have a problem with it dad , but I can 't answer for Marinda . I think that is something that she should decide , not me . But I will go into the kitchen and talk to her about it . " With that said , Richard stood up , and headed in to the kitchen , leaving Chris alone at the table to finish his beer . Then her husband put his arms around her . " Dad has requested a favour of you . It 's to do with that photography course . He needs to put a portfolio together before the course starts , so he was wondering if you would … " A stunned Richard , at first , was lost for words . Then as he was about to say something , his wife spoke . " You seem to have forgotten what you made me do , when we got engaged . " Then she began to poke her husband in his stomach . " And now , you have no problem with me posing for your father . You hypocrite ! " Then she waited for Richard 's response to her outburst , an outburst that she hoped Chris hadn 't heard . As the father of her husband , she loved him dearly , just as much as she did with her own parents . Hanging his head , Richard said , " Yes , I did , didn 't I ? And you have ever right to be angry with me , honey . Now , I regret that decision to make you stop modeling . It was a bad , no , it was a major mistake on my behalf . I 'll go and tell dad that you can 't do it . " " Oh no , you won 't ! " exclaimed Marinda . What a way to have some fun for herself , she suddenly thought , when compared to being stuck at home , looking after the house , doing the laundry , cooking meals , while Richard was either at work , or on one of his business trips to Japan for his company . Then shoving a dish cloth in her husband 's hands , she said , " Here ! You do the dishes , and then clean the BBQ , while I chat with your father about his request . If I agree to pose for him , it 's because I 'm doing it out of respect for him , not because you have now changed your mine on me being a model , even if it 's just to pose , temporally , for your father . " Marinda needed to clean herself up first . To get to the bathroom , she had go through the living room , passing Chris in the process . " I 'll be back in a minute or two , Chris , and then we 'll discuss your request . " In the bathroom , Marinda looked at herself in the mirror , making sure she looked respectable for her potential client , even if it was her father - in - law . 5 ' 7 " , 34 - 24 - 34 , blonde , emerald eyes . - Yes , she had it all , and in the right places . Now it was time to see what Chris had to offer . Chris was taken aback by Marinda 's fleeting appearance and comment in the living room . He wondered why she sounded so formal , so business like , he chalked it up to the slight disturbance he had overheard . Nonetheless , his eyes followed her as she stepped so lightly , so elegantly , so ladylike , through the living room . As Chris waited for Marinda , he took a big mouthful of his beer , and waited for her return . A minute or two later , Marinda reappeared in the living room , sat down opposite Chris , and said " Chris , Richard tells me that you would like me to model for you for about … thirty days , I believe . I wonder if you could let me know what type of poses you are looking for . " Again her boldness , and directness , threw Chris off balance . He was not used to Marinda being so forthcoming . Chris tried to hide his shock when he answered her saying , " Yes I would Marinda . I need to put together a portfolio , for my photography course . I was thinking of doing a variety of shoots , to demonstrate that I know what I am doing with a camera . " Chris paused to give Marinda a chance to respond , and he took another mouthful of beer , before continuing , " I would like to do some shots in the studio , like portraits shots , I would also like to do some photoshop shots , where you work with a backdrop , and I photoshop in a jungle background , or you patting a lion . I would also like to go the beach , and get some photos of you in the surf , and running on the sand etcetera . " All the while he was saying this he was watching Marinda , mesmerised by her sparkling emerald eyes , and the beauty she was radiating . Before Marinda had a chance to digest what Chris had said , he continued , as he stood and headed out of the room , " And I would also like to do some photos up here , maybe in the stables , or around a fire . But if you do accept I would be willing to pay you for your time , and give you duplicates of all the photos I use . Would you like another beer ? " Marinda sat in silence as Chris told her what he planned for his portfolio . The more he told her , the more she felt herself being drawn deeper into his plans . This is what she had been dreaming of , since she had been forced to stop her modelling career , before it had even started . The places Chris wanted to take her - places she had hardly been since she her marriage to his son - the ideas he offered , all of which were sinking into her mind . Then he offered to pay her , and give her duplicates of all the photos he would take of her . Before Marinda had a chance to respond , Chris went away , returning with beer for both of them only a few moments later . He then told her , that he needed her decision by the following night . But Marinda didn 't require more time . Pushing her beer bottle away , she said , " At modelling school , I was told that I shouldn 't drink alcohol at least twenty - four hours before a shoot . I 'm not going to pose for you , to get money , but if you insist , then my fee is $ 20 per hour , but I will accept the duplicate photos anyway . " " That 's great Marinda , and I am sure we will work well together . I need you to wait here for a minute . " Chris said as he stood up , and said " Excuse me please . " Chris walked out of the living room , in the opposite direction of the kitchen . When Chris returned , he had an envelope in his hand , which he sat on the table . Once Chris sat back down at the table , he made eye contact with Marinda , and said , " Since your modelling school suggested no drinking for 24 hours before a shoot , I would like you to go shopping tomorrow . I was thinking that we could start by doing a photo shoot in the studio . I would like you to like you to bring a few changes of clothing . Because after I do your portraits , I will be doing the backdrop shots , if we have the time . I also want you at the studio natural , no makeup ; I will have a makeup artist at the studio for you . " Just then Richard came out of the kitchen his face was long , and said , " Sorry to do this Marinda . But I need to get home . I have to leave to go to Japan early tomorrow morning . There are problems over there , and I might be gone for 2 - 3 weeks . " Richard didn 't look overly impressed about having to leave for Japan , but work was work , and unfortunately with Richard , work came first . Richard then turned to his father , and said , " Thanks for dinner dad . Everything has been washed , and the BBQ cleaned . I 'll email you when I get to Japan . " Chris could feel the tension looming , and decided a tactical retreat might be best . Chris Stood up from the table , and excused himself , saying to Richard in a cold , unimpressed voice , " I need to stable the horses . Just close the door behind you when you go . " Chris then turned to Marinda and said , " If you would still like to talk about the photo shoot , you can either call me , or come down to the stables , once Richard leaves . " He said , in somewhat warmer tone of voice . As Chris walked to the stables , he was fuming with anger . If Chris had taught Richard anything , it was to treat his women with respect . It seemed coincidental that Richard had to leave for 2 - 3 weeks without warning , which just happened to be the same amount of time she would be posing for his father on what would be close to , if not , a daily basis . Telling her husband that she still needed to talk to his father about a couple of things , she kissed him , passionately , which he returned , before watching him leave , after which she closed the door , and went to search for Chris near the stables . Finding him , she said , " I was just wondering what type of clothing you want me to buy , or do you want me to make that decision ? If the latter , I was thinking of a business suit , as it 's made up of different items , which can be exchanged . For example , I could wear pants , and then change them for a skirt . Pose with , and without the jacket . Pumps , then high heels . Wear my hair up then down . That sort of thing , but you 're the boss . " Chris was just rounding up the last horse when he spotted Marinda walking down the paddock towards him . His first thought was , " I wonder what happened ? I wonder if she is staying here the night . " Chris was expecting Marinda to be dishevelled , upset , or maybe even angry ; instead she was her calm , businesslike self that she was before Richard dropped the bombshell about having to go to Japan . Chris heard Marinda 's question about what clothing he had wanted her to buy . But he wasn 't quite ready to answer that . Chris was still upset about the way Richard , had spoken to Marinda , in front of him . Marinda took Chris 's silence , as some form of ignorance , though it was anything but . When Marinda told Chris , " Oh , Richard has left already , so I was wondering if you could drive me home . I 'll pay you for your time and gas , just as he was closing the stable door . Chris secured the door , turned to Marinda , and said , " I 'll drive you home , but we are family Marinda . You are like a daughter to me . I don 't want you to pay me for doing you a favour . " Chris 's tone was short , and sharp , to indicate that he was hurt by her offer . As they were in the stables , and next door was the barn , Chris said to Marinda , " As for the clothing , I like your idea of interchangeable clothing , but I was thinking of you buying a few outfits . I can 't photo shop you into a jungle , while you are wearing a business suit . " Chris chuckled at that idea , before continuing , " Ideally , the business suit would do nicely for the portrait shoot . But as I said to you I want to try and get a wide range of shots , ranging from shots taken in here , and the barn , so I was thinking a cowgirl look , to photos at the beach , so ideally a bikini , or swimming costume , and maybe a sarong , or sundress . " Chris smiled to himself at the thought of seeing his daughter - in - law , wearing next to nothing . With that said , Chris ushered Marinda out of the stables , and shut the big wooden doors . " I think it might be best if I take you home now , considering Richard has to go over to Japan tomorrow . I 'm guessing you would like to make the most of his last night here . " Chris said , as the doors clicked shut . Chris offered his arm to Marinda for the 5 minute walk to the house . Once at the house , Chris locked the back door , and went about closing the house up . " I won 't be long , I just need to lock up and grab my keys and wallet . " Chris said as he pulled the kitchen window closed . Marinda stood in the living room , going over in her mind how to come up with a cowgirl outfit . She had seen many photos of them , while studying at modelling school . Some wore jeans , others wore shorts , and in most they had knotted their shirt up , thus revealing a bare midriff . Some wore boots , but those who posed on hay , were bare footed . After opening the car door for Marinda to get in , and making sure she was comfortable , Chris walked around the front of the car , got in , and then drove away . For the first minute , nothing was said between them . Eventually , Marinda asked Chris , " The cowgirl outfit . Do you want jeans or shorts ? Boots or bare footed ? " As for the portrait , how about I wear my evening gown along with opera gloves . I think that would make a more appealing portrait then a business suit , would it not ? The summer dress and the sarong are no problem , but … the bikini … well … Richard only wants me to wear a swimsuit , because he doesn 't want other men staring at me at the pool parties , we host . " I 'm sorry to say this about your son , Chris , but I think he 's a hypocrite for that . He likes gawking at other girls in bikinis at the parties , but he sure as hell , doesn 't want other guys doing the same to me . But , again , you 're the boss , not Richard . If you want me to pose in a bikini , then so be it ! " Chris closed the car door after Marinda settled in to the passenger side of his car , and walked around to the driver 's side , jumped in the car , and turned the key , and let the car idle as he put his belt on , and drove his car out of the garage , and down his drive way . Once Chris had turned the car on to the road , Marinda said " The cowgirl outfit . Do you want jeans or shorts ? Boots or bare footed ? As for the portrait , how about I wear my evening gown along with opera gloves . I think that would make a more appealing portrait then a business suit , would it not ? The summer dress and the sarong are no problem , but … the bikini … well … Richard only wants me to wear a swimsuit , because he doesn 't want other men staring at me at the pool parties , we host . " Before continuing " I 'm sorry to say this about your son , Chris , but I think he 's a hypocrite for that . He likes gawking at other girls in bikinis at the parties , but he sure as hell , doesn 't want other guys doing the same to me . But , again , you 're the boss , not Richard . If you want me to pose in a bikini , then so be it ! " Chris drew a breath , and said , " Well Marinda , I was thinking about you in cut off jean shorts , you know , a little longer than the short shorts all the girls are wearing these days , only because the focus of those shots , is going to be the beauty of your body , and highlighting your curves . For the portrait , you can wear an evening gown , if that is what you feel would be best . " Chris paused , as he contemplated Richard and the bikini . Chris stopped at a red light , and looked at Marinda , and said , " I don 't want to make any more problems for you and Richard , with the bikini shoot , but a woman of your beauty , shouldn 't be forced to hide her body in a one piece suit . " The car behind tooted , because Chris had missed the light change , and he started driving again , and continued to say , " I think it wrong of him to tell you what you can , and can 't , wear . I also understand what you are saying about him being a hypocrite . But if you are agreeable , we could do a shoot of you in a one piece , that way you can show him those pictures , and we could do a shoot of you in a bikini , and the only people to see those pictures would be you and me . But that is only if you agree to that . " As they kept driving towards Richard and Marinda 's house , Chris said , " Marinda , I get the feeling that there are some problems between you and Richard . Irrespective of the fact I am his father , I want you to know that you can talk to me . I am not going to go and tell Richard what you say . I would be a sounding board for you . " Chris then put his hand on Marinda 's thigh , and said , " Marinda , you mean a lot to me , I love the fact you are part of this family , and as head of this family , I want to do everything I can to help . " Normally , she would go shopping on her own , but with her husband going away early the next morning , Marinda could do with some company . " Well , if you want to come shopping with me , you 're more than welcome . If you do , you can help select the outfits . That way you can pick the ones you prefer me to wear , as long as they are not too revealing , especially the bikini ! If I think an item is a bit risqué for my liking , I hope you don 't mind me telling you . " " Thanks for the ride , Chris , and asking me to model for you . I hope I won 't let you down . Er . . . what time are you coming to pick me up ? " Chris was surprised when Marinda accepted his offer to go shopping , but he was glad that he could have an input in to the outfits , he knew he would get the looks he was after . Although he was a little disappointed to hear Marinda say , " . . . That way you can pick the ones you prefer me to wear , as long as they are not too revealing , especially the bikini ! If I think an item is a bit risqué for my liking , I hope you don 't mind me telling you . " Chris went to give Marinda a hug goodbye , when she leant in and kissed him goodbye . But the kiss was over before he had a chance to react , and Chris 's hands ran over Marinda 's side , and light cascaded off her breasts . Chris just acted natural , and said goodnight . Chris leant against his car , as he watched Marinda walk off towards her front door . When Marinda was about 6 steps away from him , she turned around to him and said , " Thanks for the ride , Chris , and asking me to model for you . I hope I won 't let you down . Er . . . what time are you coming to pick me up ? " Chris said " The pleasure is mine , and thank you for saying yes . I 'm sure you won 't let me down . I just hope I do you justice in the pictures . I 'll pick you up about 9 , that way we can get there when the shops open . Were you thinking of going to boutiques , or to a department store to go shopping ? " Chris asked . " Well , the boutiques are more inclined to have better quality , but are more expensive . I would think that the chances of getting a matching cowgirl outfit from them are very good . As for the summer dress , both sell them , but , again , it comes down to quality . I recommend that we get the swimsuit and sarong from a store that just deals in swimwear , as they would have a greater selection , " said Marinda , making sure that she didn 't say anything about bikinis , just in case Richard could hear them . " I think I better go in now , and help Richard pack . I 'll see you tomorrow at 9 , Chris . " Marinda said as she waved him goodbye , before entering her home . The house was in darkness , except for some light here and there . Entering their bedroom , Marinda found Richard fast asleep , with his packed cases placed by the window . So much for making his night enjoyable , she thought . The she spotted a note on her pillowcase . It was in Richard 's handwriting . Please forgive my attitude towards you at dads . It was wrong of me . The kiss we exchanged was wonderful . I knew there and then , that you still love me , despite what had happened earlier . The next morning , Marinda woke to find her husband no longer lying by her side . Looking at her clock , she was stunned . It showed 4 : 55 . " What the hell ? He promised to wake me up at four ! " Going down , she found Richard by the front door , with his cases be his side . " The limo is here . I 'll text you when I arrive at the airport . I 've left you a note on the kitchen counter . Goodbye , sweetheart . " She was in such a shock , that she couldn 't find the strength to open the door , to wave him goodbye . Tears flowed like a waterfall , as she walked to the kitchen . Finding the note , she read it . Time seemed to pass by , and before she knew , she heard the doorbell ring . The clock said 8 : 58 . Knowing it was Chris ; she quickly got up , raced to the shoe closet , and put on matching high - heels . Then taking a deep breath , Marinda opened the door , to see a smiling Chris standing before her . With that she went to the kitchen , grabbed the note her husband had written her , and then went back to find Chris holding the car 's passenger door open for her . Locking the front door , she looked at him , trying to find any traits her husband had inherited from his father . It was difficult for her . They seemed to be two different men . Without giving him a chance to respond , Marinda told him what had happened since she arrived home , the previous evening . They she gave him the note that she had retrieved from the kitchen . " Read that ! Who does he think I am ? His bloody maid ? " Chris listened as Marinda answered his question , with an expertise that he didn 't expect . Marinda said , rather knowledgably , " Well , the boutiques are more inclined to have better quality , but are more expensive . I would think that the chances of getting a matching cowgirl outfit from them are very good . As for the summer dress , both sell them , but , again , it comes down to quality . I recommend that we get the swimsuit and sarong from a store that just deals in swimwear , as they would have a greater selection . " Chris also noted the sad tone that crept in to her voice as she said " I think I better go in now , and help Richard pack . I 'll see you tomorrow at 9 , Chris . " Whether the sadness in her voice was intentional , or accidental , it had an impact on Chris . Chris returned Marinda 's wave , and said " Sleep well . " as she stepped in to her house . Chris sat down and drank another beer , and watched some TV trying to forget about Marinda , and the tension he had witnessed , in his own house . But the more Chris tried to forget about it , the madder he got . Chris had tried to teach Richard to treat his women with respect . Chris had made a point of never fighting with his mother in front of Richard . Chris had gone out of his way to please his mother . Chris didn 't understand what was going with his son . He was looking for answers . But these were answers that only Richard could give him . Chris went and showered , hoping that the water cascading off him , would take his thoughts of Marinda away , as it ran down the drain . It worked for all of about the first 3 seconds . As Chris 's body adjust to the water , his plan worked , but once his body was adjusted to the water , Marinda slowly worked her way back in to his thoughts . As Chris washed himself , he wondered what it would feel like to have his daughter - in - law wash him . Chris then knew that he had crossed the lines of morality . The lines he valued so dearly . Chris scolded himself for having such lewd thoughts . Chris was unaware of his body 's reaction to his thoughts . The reaction he had shocked him . It wasn 't until he started drying himself that Chris realised that he had a semi - erection . This infuriated Chris . He was getting all hot and horny over his daughter - in - law . Chris hung his towel up , and walked to his room naked , crawled in to bed , and tried to sleep . Chris tossed and turned that night . He was still angry with himself because of the thoughts he had had the night before . But nonetheless , Chris got out of bed , and followed his usual morning routine . Once Chris had had his usual cup of coffee , and 2 pieces of toast , he meandered back to his room , and debated what to wear . Chris pulled out a pair of faded blue jeans , and a polo shirt , and then decided against them . He threw them back into the closet , and pulled out a pair of dress pants , and collared shirt . Chris got dressed , and then splashed on some of his favourite cologne , and checked the time on his bedside clock , and saw that it was 8 : 25 . He grabbed his keys , and headed out to the car . Before leaving , Chris plugged his iPod into the car stereo , and put on the playlist full of 80 's and 90 's music . Chris drove along , bopping away to music from his era , and laughing at the traffic that was congested on the other side of the road . Chris turned in to Marinda 's street , and pulled up out the front of his son 's house , and visions of selected moments of last night flashed before his eyes . He replayed the moment Richard put his hand on Marinda 's shoulder and said , in a cold voice " Are you coming home with me , or will you be coming home later ? " , and could almost feel the tension again , even though it was only a replay of the night before . Chris wondered how the night had panned out , but decided not to ask about it . Instead he reminded himself that this was for his course , and he was going to professional . He got out of the car , and didn 't bother locking it , as he started up the path to Marinda 's front door . Chris reached the front door , and rang the doorbell . Chris was in awe when Marinda opened the door , and saw her . The deep blue dress she had chosen complimented her eyes , and her blonde hair was a stark contrast to the fabric , but overall she looked gorgeous . All he could do was smile for the moment she stood in the doorway , before she said " I 'll be right back , Chris . " Marinda 's action 's caused Chris some concern , but he just headed back to the car , opened Marinda 's door , and leant against the car , as he waited for Marinda to reappear . Marinda wasn 't even a minute , and Chris thought that she must have forgotten to lock the back door , or shut a window or something , as she moved effortlessly down the path . Her body moved so fluidly , her hair bounced with each step she took . He thought about how good the photos of her would turn out , and hoped that his teachers would see her beauty too . Once Marinda was settled and comfortable in the car , Chris closed the door behind her , and walked around the car , and climbed in his side . Chris had barely done his seatbelt up , when Marinda said , " Before we leave , I want to say something . Do you remember , that you asked me if there was a problem between Richard and me , and to let you know ? " Before Chris had a chance to respond , Marinda told him about the events that had occurred , since he had driven her home . Without missing a beat , Marinda gave Chris the note that Richard had left her . " Read that ! Who does he think I am ? His bloody maid ? " Chris listened as Marinda told him everything , and when he read the note , his blood boiled . Chris was ready to explode . He hadn 't even started the car , and already this day had done nothing but raise his blood pressure . Chris knew that Marinda needed consoling , and could see the tears welling in Marinda 's eyes . Chris didn 't know what to say . Chris patted Marinda on the thigh , and rest his hand there as he said " I 'm sorry about Richard , I don 't know what has come over him . I tried my best to instil decent values into him , and to treat his women with respect . But it seems I failed . Would it have killed him to sign the note Love Richard ? Would it have killed him to at least stir when you kissed him good night ? Would it have hurt him to wake you to have breakfast with him ? I mean , he asked you to move here from your home town , give up all your family , and friends , and he treats you like this . It 's enough to drive me around the bend , treating a gorgeous girl like you like this . " Marinda gave Chris the name of a shopping centre , and Chris started off towards the shops . As he started driving , Chris said , " Marinda . . . I know this may be none of my business . . . But . . . How long have things been this bad with you and Richard ? " With tears in her eyes , she said , " About a month now . I have no idea why , but he 's no longer the man I fell in love with . We both wanted children , but now he wants to wait . In fact he told me to go on the pill . I want to be the mother of the next generation of your family tree , Chris , but it takes two to do it , and with me on the pill , how on earth will that happen ? I love Richard so much , but there is a limit . It 's as if I 'm a trophy wife , dressed up in an evening gown when he puts on special parties for his clients . " Then Marinda put her hand on Chris 's thigh . " I 'm sure you didn 't treat Liz that way . Even though I hadn 't known her for long , before her passing , I knew she was filled with love for you . Oh , how you must miss her . " Chris listened to Marinda as she explained everything that had been going on . He felt saddened by what his son had done , and felt sympathy for Marinda . He was mortified when he heard what Richard had asked her to do . Chris couldn 't believe that Richard had asked Marinda to wait to start a family . When Marinda said " I 'm sure you didn 't treat Liz that way . Even though I hadn 't known her for long , before her passing , I knew she was filled with love for you . Oh , how you must miss her . " The memories Chris had of Liz came flooding back . Chris went quiet and sombre for a minute , before pulling the car up , and looking at Marinda . He saw tears running down her cheek , and gently wiped them away . Chris resisted the urge to hold Marinda , instead he said , " You 're right Marinda , I never treated Liz that way . In fact , I treated her like a queen . She was the centre of my world , and her death shattered me . " Chris grabbed Marinda 's hand , and said , " All I can do is apologise for my son , I tried to teach him better . If you want , when he comes back I can try and talk to him , but I can 't promise anything . " Chris let go of Marinda 's hand , and wiped her cheek again , before starting the car in the direction of the mall . They travelled in silence for a while , before Chris said , " Marinda , I was thinking , and please don 't think any less of me for suggesting this , but you and Richard used to travel together , even if it was for work . For the last 4 trips , Richard has been going alone , and he is getting less notice to travel . Like yesterday , I didn 't even hear his phone ring , but he said work rang , so we have to believe him . Do you think it is possible , that Richard has a lady in Japan , or somewhere else , and is using work as a cover ? " By the time Chris had finished explaining his theory to Marinda , they had pulled in to a parking spot at the mall , and Chris decided that since this issue had been addressed , it needed to be concluded before they went shopping . Once Chris had turned the car off he turned to Marinda and said , " I 'm not saying he is having an affair , or anything like that . But something must be going on to explain the changes Richard is showing . " As Chris finished saying that , he rested his hand on Marinda 's thigh , " You deserve to know what is going on Marinda . " Marinda didn 't want to keep talking about her matrimony problems , because she really wanted to go shopping for outfits . " Unless , I have proof of Richard 's infidelity , I can 't really confront him . Look , I don 't want to be rude , I know you mean well , but we have other things on our mind at the moment . " Chris offered his arm to Marinda as they walked towards the mall , which she thankfully accepted . Soon they entered the boutique . " Can I help you ? The female store clerk asked . As Marinda turned to Chris and said " Okay , Chris , which ones do you want me to pose in ? " The sales lady started rummaging through the display and pulled out a coat hanger , that had a red checked shirt hanging off it , and a pair of shorts under it . " I think this will be your size ma ' am . " The sales lady said as soon as Marinda finished asking Chris . Chris looked at it , and smiled . " I think that this would look great . " Chris said as he took it off the sales lady , and held it up surveying it . Chris sensed a hint of hesitation from Marinda , as she took the coat hanger , " Why don 't you go try it on . Let 's see what you look like in it . I think you would look stunning . " Chris said pushing the coat hanger towards Marinda , offering it to her a bit more firmly , his knuckles just glancing off Marinda 's breast . " Sorry Marinda , I didn 't mean to touch you there . " As shocks of excitement rushed through Chris 's body . As she took off her dress , she took in the shorts Chris had given her . " Boy , those don 't leave much to one 's imagination , " she softly muttered . But there was no way ; she was going to wear those without panties . Taking a deep breath , she pulled the shorts up her legs until they sat over her panties . Looking in the mirror , Marinda was surprised to find that the outline of her panties didn 't show . Then she picked up the red checker shirt , and slipped it on over her shoulders . Then pulling it up , she knotted it just below her breasts , while making sure that her bra wasn 't visible . The sales lady directed their attention to a display of boots against the far wall . There were boots in all different colours , and styles . Chris walked over to the display , and picked up a pair of light tan boots , with dark brown stitching . The stitching resembled a rose , but none the less , Chris thought the stark contrast would look good in print . She studied the boots in detail . " They do look nice , don 't they ? Let me try them on . " With that Marinda sat down and slowly encased her lower legs into them . Then standing up , she walked around , making sure the boots were comfortable for walking in . " They 'll do fine Chris . Let me go and change back into my dress , and if it 's okay with you , I 'll wear these just to soften them up a bit . " Then she noticed the bulge in Chris ' jeans . Not wanting to embarrass the sales lady , Marinda leaned closer to him , and said softly , " You better do something about your manly weapon , before you pay the bill , otherwise the sales lady , will think it 's aiming at her you know what ! " Then she winked , before heading off to the changing room . Once they had left the shop , Chris turned to Marinda and said " Well , that wasn 't as painful as I thought it was going to be . Where to now my dear ? " He asked , half - chuckling as he said it .

February 17 , 2016FictionFictional story , Short StoryLioness Oyinbo Today , I want to share a fictional story I wrote a while back . As a singer , it 's so easy for me to look at those who have come further than me in the industry and think " Their lives must be so amazing " . But the truth is , I know nothing of their lives . Also , I know of People envying me and where I have come in the industry . And I know for a fact my life isn 't Perfect . Though it 's nowhere near as complicated as Savannah Green in this story . Thankfully . I hope you 'll like it . She put on her oversized dark sunglasses and glanced in the mirror . Perfect . The glasses both half concealed her face , making her unrecognizable and mercifully hid the bruises given to her by her no longer so loving husband TJ . She sighed , picked up her purse and opened the front door . Downstairs in the lobby she barely nodded at Ricky , the friendly concierge she usually didn 't mind exchanging a few phrases with . He was Cuban . She was learning Spanish . So she 'd practice her new phrases with him . It was as if Ricky understood that today wasn 't a day for pleasantries , so he just opened the door like the gentleman he was and gave her a courteous nod . Café Gianni was situated in a quiet back street and was not at all trendy . But she loved it all the same . The place was old and could do with some refurbishment , but there was something charming about the chairs and sofas where the stuffing had begun to fall out and the worn ow tables , where , no matter how well you cleaned them , had old marks from cups and cigarettes , from before the smoking ban . She had been going there since she was a music student . And nothing had ever changed about the place . Except that Gianni Sr , who had been the owner , had retired and his son Gianni Jr and his wife had taken over . But even father and son were so alike that nobody could tell unless they knew . It was quite a walk away from where she lived . The sensible thing would have been to take a cab , but she needed to feel her body move and the brisk autumn air in her face . She didn 't do this often anymore . Saved it for special occasions . More and more often sad occasions . She sighed and felt a slight pain in her ribcage . Also curtsy of TJ . It had only been an argument about his latest mistress Monica who incidentally was one of her backup singers . He 'd had mistresses before and so far it had only be kept in the family , but Monica liked to talk and was jealous of her , both professionally and for being TJ 's wife . . So it was a question of time before she would leak the story to the press . She had stupidly asked TJ why he couldn 't have chosen a mistress that wasn 't working with her . That had set him off and he 'd slapped her in the face and kicked her in the ribs . He was clever like that . Knew exactly how to inflict painful , yet invisible injuries to her body . It hadn 't always been like that between her and TJ . Things had been fine until she won her first Grammy and lost their first child . A miscarraiage , although he had accused her of having a secret abortion . Before that . He had been loving , caring and considerate . But looking back , she guessed he 'd always had the evil in him . Just that he waited for the right moment to show it . Neapolitan music greeted her as soon as she entered Café Gianni . Her nose was a little runny and her ears prickled from the cold . The heat mixed with the music and smell of spices had a calming effect on her and she felt a smile developing on her face as she walked up to the counter . Gianni was flirting with some female customers as he always did while they placed their order and paid . " I just need to get the divorce papers ready , " she replied lightly . This was a long running joke between them . And not for the first time did it occur to her that if Gianni Jr had been more attractive , 20 years younger and not so clearly smitten with his own wife , she might have taken him up on the offer . Working in your own café had a satisfying ring to it that she liked . The money would be regular and she would meet lots of new interesting people . She was also wondering for the umpteenth time why she hadn 't filed for divorce with TJ . She 'd made excuses to herself . That Victoria deserved to grow up with two parents as role models and that both their incomes combined , gave their daughter the best of everything . But who was she kidding . Victoria hardly saw her dad and she earned enough on her iTunes sales alone to put her daughter through the private school she already went to . As for her real reason , she was scared . She was hoping he would bring up divorce . But for some reason she couldn 't comprehend , he hadn 't . " What can I get you bellissima ? " Gianni asked . " I hope you are good and that your husband is nice to you . " She startled . He usually said that too . And she always laughed and assured him he was a gentleman . But today , with such fresh bruises , she thought for a moment that he had perhaps seen something she hadn 't managed to cover up . Gianni 's smile disappeared and his intense grey eyes studied her face … Of course the only free table in the whole café had been taken while she had placed her order . Typical . Though the place wasn 't trendy , it was still popular with the people who knew about it . A woman round about her own age sat at that table . She was eating a huge plate of spaghetti and meat boles while she was listening to something on an iPod or iPhone . She carried her tray which contained a mozzarella and pesto sandwich and an Americano over and hovered for a few seconds till the woman looked up from her plate . She had a plump face with dimples and a small gap between her front teeth . " Be my guest . She moved her bottle of Fanta closer to her plate so that Savannah 's tray would fit comfortably on the small table . They ate in silence . She was looking around , listening to the passionate guitar and voices of the Neapolitan singers . The woman seemed to enjoy whatever she was listening too . " My dear husband TJ . I love you . And I 'm going to sing a song for you . Only you . But I guess everyone else is listening in . " She remembered saying those words . It was her first show after they 'd got married . Shee 'd been dizzy with love and happiness . She 'd not known what his boots in her ribs felt like back then and she 'd not known the feeling of never being enough to somebody . She played with the first two words of the song . Let her voice go up and down . Giving the words the emotion she 'd thought they deserved . The sound of the audience applauding . They loved it . She knew they 'd loved it . She knew she nailed that song because though she never did covers , this had been an exception and she 'd practiced and practiced till she had made the song entirely hers . " It 's a very emotional performance , " she said . At least that wasn 't a lie . She 'd been crying while singing the song . Crying because she was loved , because she was happy . But alas . I 'm just plain Jane . I work as a cleaner . I clean offices when nobody works in them . And when the offices are busy , I clean toilets . I am a single mum with six kids . The eldest is going to college next . year . That is , if I managed to make enough money to get him there . You see , he 's so bright . He 's trying for one of them scholarships . But he ain 't good at nothing apart from the academic stuff , so he ain 't gonna get a basketball , lacrosse or other type of scholarship . " " Savannah is rich and doesn 't know a thing about working hard wondering if there will be food on the table the next day , or if her teenage daughter will get raped on the way home from school . And she 's got that fantastic ex soccar player for a husband . They look so perfect together . If only I too could find my prince . Besides , Savannah is pretty and just look at me . " " Nobody just gets to where Savannah is at over night . Maybe Savannah has a past as a chicken shop worker . " She thought of the long afternoons during her last two years at high school selling fried chicken to make enough money to get into music school . Her mind was cast back to a mother who always had a new boyfriend , one of whom had fancied Savannah more and raped her repeatedly for a while before she dared go to her form teacher to report it . Her mother , more interested in getting high on Chrystal meth than raising Savannah , her little accident of a baby , hadn 't believed her . So she 'd moved to stay with her uncle and aunt who had been poor , but decent people who had welcomed her . She turned slowly on her heel and walked out into the autumn day . There was no point in explaning anymore . Share this : FacebookTwitterGooglePrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Afterword The fact that it got done on time is actually quite a miracle . I wrote this story under less than favourable living conditions in Lagos . And both food poisoning , a record high of mosquito bites and some other tropical ailments at times made the process rather irksome . Due to irregular power supplies which also destroyed two laptop chargers , I wasn 't always sure whether the episodes would be done on time . The next step now , is to edit the episodes . Improve the language , get rid of inconsistencies and strengthen some of the weaker points . And when that 's done , I 'm hoping to get this thing published . A list of thanks are of course in order . First and foremost I need to thank my secretary Elisabeth who invited me to her home in Homborsund where she took me to all the places you 've read about in the story . Elisabeth also helped with historical facts , proof reading and publishing the episodes when I had no internet access . Thanks too , to my people in Lagos who went to the market to buy new laptop chargers and generally made sure I was fed , hydrated and medicated , making it physically possible to write . Nellevine , the house ghost in Elisabeth 's hous , in Homborsund for being the inspiration to the story needs thanks , or else , she 'll haunt me forever , in an unpleasant way I 'm sure . I have felt her presence too . And I 'm not the only one . I sometimes had the feeling she was feeding me the story and helping my circumstances , turning them in my favour . All the places featuring in the story are real , but I have allowed some artistic freedoms when it comes to eateries and other places in Grimstad and Kristiandsand . The characters as well as the mid - summer drownings are pure figments of my overly active imagination . Share this : FacebookTwitterGooglePrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Episode 23 . Finale . Mid - summer " My little cottage , " he said and gave a sigh of satisfaction . He had lit a pocket torch and I could see that he too was holding a pistol of the same make as the one Laura ' had . I went over to one of the chairs and Merete obliged too , though she looked extremely uncomfortable . The silence lay over the cabin like a too hot , too thick and too heavy blanket . " Your turn alone ? " Amund asked . " You are both going to die tonight . Merete , you know too much . So I 'm afraid you and your precious unborn babies will die tonight too . But I guess that didn 't come as a big surprise . " I was ten when I first heard of the case of Franz Fransen 's mistress Helene and her drowning under strange circumstances . We were a few children wanting to go out in the boat to amuse ourselves . Among them was I , and Gerda 's older brother Magnus who is long dead . Gerda 's mother was terribly afraid of the sea and she didn 't want us to go . She told us that there were ghosts out there who drowned people . And then she told us about the drowning of her close childhood friend Helene Hansen which had happened right outside the light house Nellevine . That the ghost of Nellevine , a woman who had once lived in Homborsund , ad still haunted it , punished those who did wrongs that couldn 't be judged in the courtroom . As children , we didn 't believe her of course . And we went out in the boat without anything happening . I even forgot about it for a while . But two years later , when my best friend Tore drowned , and I was weighed down by grief and anger of something so unfair , I remembered it . Janne Olsen was a silly woman and at the time we went out swimming , she was flirting with one of the local fishermen . That 's a part of the story nobody knows . But I saw her . And perhaps Tore hadn 't drowned had it not been for her flirting and had she been watching us like a good teacher . I knew she enjoyed kayaking and would go every evening possible when the weather was nice … So one day , I went to her house with a drill hidden inside my school bag . If anyone would have seen me enter her garden , they 'd assume I 'd come to give my dear teacher well wishes for the summer . But I had picked a time when most people would be at work . It didn 't take long to drill small holes in the kayak and cover them up so she couldn 't see them . However , the cover I used , paper , would dissolve as soon as it came into water . I had no idea if my plan would work , but it did . Guess she wasn 't such a good swimmer . Her kayak was even found floating bottom up with the holes very visible . Years later , I fell in love with Gerda . But she wouldn 't know me . She was the most beautiful girl in all of Homborsund and beyond and she had many suiters . Her younger sister was a beauty too and knew it . Objectively speaking , she was even more beautiful than her sister . And this grieved Gerda a lot . I remember finding her crying one day because her sister had kissed a guy she liked . This was just before she got together with Sven . I found the whole thing scandalous , especially because Pernille was so young . But oh , how mature she was . Looked like a fully grown woman at fourteen . I resolved that day to remove from the world everything that would make Gerda unhappy . And I also resolved that she would be mine . I asked Pernille to meet me in the magic forest . I had turned her down for the mid - summer dance which had greatly saddened her . So when I suggested this private meeting , she was overjoyed . I strangled her of course . It was quick and easy . And then I hung her up in the tree and left her . I made out to find her , and pretended to be distraught about it . And they pitied me . Sven was easy to kill . I found out about his little mistress before Gerda did and thought it was best to remove him from this world before he would make her unhappy . Better to lose a loved one in death , than to a rival in life . I asked if he would come crab fishing with me . We weren 't exactly close friends , but I knew he didn 't like putting out the nets , though he enjoyed fresh crab , so I played on that . I knew the weather was going to be bad that day . But Sven , who had no suspicion and said yes , willingly came out with me . I initiated a proper man to man talk while we were in the boat . And I coaxed him into telling me about his mistress . I was made to understand that he intended to leave Gerda for her . The weather was starting to worsen and I knew I 'd have to hurry if I wanted to get home in one piece . So I hit Sven over the head with a hammer I 'd brought along . And then threw him over board . I thought perhaps Gerda would come to me after the death of Sven . I comforted her a lot and always helped around . But I guess she saw me more as a brother . And she was soon married to the wife beater Nils . Gerda has never been very independent . And she hated staying single for longer than what was necessary or appropriate after Sven died . After Nils had beaten her especially badly one day , she came to me to seek comfort . And that was when our affair started . I wanted Gerda to myself . But divorce in those days , in a place like this , was hard . So Nils had to go too . " Yes . " Amund looked proud . " And I managed to persuade Gerda it must be Nellevine 's ghost who is behind all the murders . She thinks she 's in touch with the ghost herself . But I think she desperately want to believe that something supernatural is behind them . She knows in her heart of hearts that her own mother killed Helene Hansen . And I think she may at least suspect me . " " I 'm telling them about my prowess on the murder scene , " Amund said at last with a tone of pride in his voice . " And I 'm not done yet . I 'm sure Sandra here would like to know why I killed her father and brother . " I found out that Sven 's mistress had a son because Gerda wanted so badly to adopt him . She never managed to get pregnant again after we 'd had our son Carl Christian . My original plan was to murder the mistress and kidnap the baby , but they disappeared on us . I guess they must have asked for their phone number and address to be withheld from the phone register . I later learned that she 'd changed her surname , but the son had the father 's name . So when he started working as a journalist in Grimstad , I decided that it would be far better to punish her by killing her child . And when he started looking into the mid - summer murders and put two and two together , it was time to strike . He called me and asked me for an interview , which I of course granted . Only I garroted him from behind before he even knew I was around . " That one was easy . He did have a weak heart and was in hospital overnight for some checkups . I came to the hospital one day and simply went into the section where he lay ; put a pillow over his face and voilà ! Your mum was downstairs getting something to eat . I observed that before I went there . My friend worked as a doctor there , so when anybody asked why I was there , I just said I was there to talk over a matter with him . " " We often visited our son in Stockholm . But he didn 't know that he was ours until he was eighteen . Until then , he assumed that we were his aunt and uncle . But when he learned of the circumstances around the adoption , he wanted to move to Norway to spend more time with us . However , we asked him to be very careful as it would look a little bit strange that a supposedly dead baby had come to life so many years later . My son was more like me than I could have hoped . And one day , I entrusted him my secret about the mid - summer murders , and why and how I 'd carried them out . In fact , he was there when your father was killed Sandra . And he took a lot of pleasure in watching . Your father was killed because he knew too much , and he asked why I didn 't dispose of your mother too at the time . But your mother had you and went to London . We only knew about London later when you came back for summer holidays . In fact , I did try to kill her once , but she got away . It 's was purely a stroke of luck . On her side that is . I was planning to Garett her like I had your father , but just as I was about to do it , an old friend of hers passed . I didn 't have many other chances , because she stayed away from Homborsund . My son was the one by the way who spread all those false rumours about her having an affair etc . I thought that was very stupid as she might have stayed a little bit closer had he not done so . Carl Christian , or Christian as we mainly called him , was doing well as a freelancer and asked to be posted to London for some national newspaper . While there he met your mum . It was not by co - incidence and he tried finding out how much she knew , but she 'd never let on if she did know anything . He couldn 't of course kill her straight away , so he courted and married her . He liked her very much . But his sense of duty and protection of me was much stronger . And so when he heard the two of you discussing the test drive , he went and tampered with the breaks . The accident was supposed to kill both of you , but alas , you survived . " Laura came to Rune and Mona in May 1999 . She became a huge favourite of mine after I discovered that she too had a dark side to her . By that time , I was getting a little weaker and I couldn 't kill like in the old days . I had intentions of doing away with you too . Better a whole family be gone . But I needed Laura 's help . You two were roughly the same age , and she could pretend to befriend you . However , two things went wrong . Laura was too eager to help me and your grandma saved you unknowingly . Also , not long after , Laura was taken into a home . We wanted to wait a while after the London accident to try and get you once and for all . But you had to be in a state of total calm and no suspicion . We knew that the easiest way to get you to Homborsund was for Christian to call and scare you . And it worked a treat . I asked Gerda to tell you about the mid - summer murders and she did , not of course knowing anything of our plans . But it got you digging . And when your lover boy called Merete to help you , for she was looking into them as well , just out of pure interest , Laura decided to pose as her and befriend you . She was there when Merete got the phone call . She is a photographer , and has worked closely with Merete for a while . And you didn 't know Merete , so you didn 't know what she looked like . Of course , she was Clairvoyant Clara too , but you know that already . Genious Laura . She revealed herself to you so many times , but you were none the wiser . Proves that the best way to hide something is to do it in the open . " " One last thing . I was desperate now . It was 1 o ' clock and if I could keep him talking for a little bit longer , I didn 't know what I would do , but my head was working over time trying to find a way we could possibly escape . Time was of the essence . " Ys he did . But Amund would never believe me . " She stared at him with hard , cold eyes . So I garroted and hung him up in the same three as Gerda 's sister . " No ! " I shouted and spun on my heel to see Laura who had moved quietly from the door towards me extend a noose made from a thin steel wire over my head . A few seconds later , and I would have been dead . I hit her on the arm , and managed to grab it and bend it backwards . She fought against me and at one point the wire hit my hand with a stinging sensation . " So Gerda is innocent then ? " Emma asked . We were having dinner out at the seafood place Markus had taken me to on our first date . And our dates were there too . " Seems like it . She knew Amund was hiding something of course and that he was pretending to be senile at times so as not to be suspected . He fooled his son though . But I 'm not sure to what extent she knew about everything . " Let 's go on one of the boats for a drink , " she replied . " " I just wanna go home , " I said to Markus . It had been a long day . Rune had tied Laura to one of the chairs with my help so she wouldn 't be able to run off and we had called the police . Amund , though mentally in tip top shape , wasn 't able to run , so he hadn 't bothered with him . The police had come half an hour later . And then there had been interrogations and explanations . Amund and Laura had both confessed to murdering . In Laura 's case one , and in Amund 's 7 people . " I guess they 'll both end up in a mental institution . Laura is still young , so she could end up being released , or put in normal prison . But Amund is so old they 'll probably leave him be there till he passes . " We had reached the house and I was fishing for my keys in my bag . I was looking forward to my bed and perhaps some of that dessert we never got around to trying a few days ago . I found the keys and unlocked the door . Markus got in first and I followed . But just as I was about to close the door and lock it , I happened to glance out into the garden . And I could swear that by the hedge , stood a lady dressed in a long black coat and an elaborate hat . I had taken out shrimps from the freezer which was now defrosting and the house smelled of the brownies I 'd just baked . I had both been running with Mica and kayaking this morning , so I was taking a shower . I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror . The three weeks I 'd spend here , had certainly done my body good . I had a nice golden tan all over . And although the mirror didn 't show it , I had definitely toned up and got fitter . With a soft , thick bath tower wrapped around me , I went into my room to find something to wear . I settled on a pair of light blue jeans and a white top . After some hair and face touch ups , I went downstairs . Merete came at 7PM precisely . I had asked her to bring fresh bread since she was coming from town , and she handed me a delicious smelling loaf which was still warm . She looked tired and a little pale , so I ordered her to sit down at the kitchen table and gave her a coke zero . " Tomorrow its mid - summer , " I said and sat opposite her . " I wonder if this mystery will come to an end then . If we can find the answers to who did everything . " Merete laughed . " That 's in books , " she said . Her tone annoyed me . She sounded like a grown woman who was talking down to a small child . - Get over it Sandra , I thought . I was in the time right before my period where I have massive cravings for sweet things as well as a very short temper . " But at least you know a lot more than what you did before you came here . You didn 't really know anything about your father did you ? And you found your paternal grandma . Plus I bet your conscience feel better too now . About your mother I mean . " I had to admit that she was right . Even if I 'd never get all the answers , I knew a lot more about where I 'd come from and who my family were . I wanted to ask Emma if she could take me to their graves tomorrow so I could pay my first respects . I was so sorry I 'd never known them . This evening reminded me a lot of the evening I 'd gone out with Markus to meet Christian Holm , only to find him hanged . I was sure something like that wasn 't going to happen this evening , so I felt relaxed and happy walking next to Merete . It was just past 8 o ' clock , and taking the pictures of the torches in the evening sun would turn out some great photos . " Wow , this is beautiful , " Merete said in awe . We had gone through the magic forest . I , with certain apprehensions , and Merete eagerly observing everything looking like she was in deep thought . She opened her bag , and took out a brand new , expensive digital camera . I had been wanting this exact model for a long time , but hadn 't been able to afford it . She snapped a few pictures of the torch from different angles . Then she snapped some of me in front of the torch . She made me do different poses and we actually had quite a bit of fun . I 'm so glad I found her , I thought perhaps for the umpteenth time in the past couple of weeks . The atmosphere around us now felt somehow charged . Not magical . Or , I thought to myself , mayb the forest contained an evil magic that made people hang themselves . . I felt a little chilly despite the warm evening . I told myself I was stupid . That this entire mid - summer business had gone completely to my head . All the time why she 'd been speaking , she had been rummaging in her bag . I presumed for the camera . And she had indeed taken it out . But she had taken out something else too . And I found myself staring right into the barrel of a pistol . " Where are we going ? " I asked anxiously . I wondered if there was a way I could call or text Markus , Emma or even the police . But then I remembered to my dismay that I 'd left my phone charging at home . " Call it a holding cell , " she said . " It is not yet mid - summer and for this to be a mid - summer murder , it 's going to have to happen at mid - summer . In a few hours . " " That 's actually a nice idea , but no . I wasn 't planning that . Although it will of course end up in the news section . But you see I 'm not a journalist , so I can 't really publish anything . " The cabin smelled as if it hadn 't been aired or used in a long time and it had two rooms . " Once inside , Merete started pulling her trousers down and her top up towards her breasts . I wanted to turn away , not understanding what she was doing , but she instructed me to watch , or she 'd shoot . I watched in astonishment as she reached around to her back and unzipped something . And then , her pregnant belly came off . " That 's better , " she said and put it on the floor . I could see now that it was a costume prop . She changed into another pair of trousers she had inside the bag and put the maternity trousers and the costume belly away . Then she reached up , and pulled at her hair . I didn 't need her to take the brown contact lenses off to realize who she was , but she took them off anyway . And there , with strawberry blond air and different coloured eyes stood Laura Nilsen , AKA clairvoyant Clara . " I need to go prepare a few things . But I 'll be back in a few hours to kill you , " she said as casually as if she should have announced that she was going to get some butter from the shop . Then she picked up her bag , and went out the door which she locked I went over to the door of the other room . It was ajar , so I opened it fully and went in . There was a bed in the room and I could work out somebody laying asleep on it . But whoever it was had her back to me . For I could now see that whoever it was had long wavy hair . I took a couple of steps into the room and knelt in front of the bed . I started untying the knots around the bedpost . It was a complicated one . Whoever had tied it , had been good a knots . Finally though , I managed to loosen it and then I got to work on the woman 's hands . Those nots were complicated too , but after a few minutes , her hands were free and she turned over to lay on her back . She was heavily pregnant , as if she was about to pop anytime . Her hair was long , dark brown and wavy and she had a lot of freckles . Slowly she opened her eyes , groaned and put a hand to her temple . " I am as real as this place , " she said . I am Merete the journalist who works at Grimstad daily news . I assume you must be Sandra ? The girl Markus called me about ? " " I don 't think I 'm able to kick anything at all , " Merete said pointing at her belly . " I 'd rather not give birth right here . And then there 's my head . " She rubbed her temple and leaned against the wall . I went over to the door and looked at the lock . It looked very solid and I doubted that I 'd managed to kick it open , but what else could I do ? I lifted my right foot and kicked once . Then twice . The third kick sent a searing pain through my foot and I backed away wincing . I waited a little for the pain to subside . Then , in frustration and anger I threw my whole body at the door which opened . I was so stunned that it took me a while to realize that I was in someone 's arms . I looked up and met Amund Andersen 's blue eyes . " It 's nearly midnight , " he said . " And officially mid - summer . Let 's go inside and wait for Laura . She shouldn 't be long . He pushed me in and closed and bolted the door . Share this : FacebookTwitterGooglePrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Episode 21 . Bedside confessions Sunday afternoon , I went to visit Gerda in hospital after having driven Arlette home . The BBQ had been nice . Markus had shown up and Daniel too . He was tall and handsome with blond air and friendly grey eyes . He hadn 't been able to take his eyes off Emma all night and whenever they 'd got the chance , they 'd gone inside together to carry things in or out . Arlette had really enjoyed herself . She spoke to everybody and told the funniest jokes at the table . She had immediately taken a shine to Markus and Daniel , who had immediately taken a shine to her too . Mica though , had been the real star of the evening . He basked in the constant attention he got . And Anita couldn 't believe he was the same dog who had just been moping around the week before . We had moved the party in when it got too chilly to sit outside . And the guests hadn 't gone until 1AM in the morning . Markus and Daniel had shared a taxi to Grimstad together . Without saying so , we all thought it was best like that . We had both just started dating . And having our dates over at the same time as Arlette was there was a little awkward even if both Emma and I were grown women . We had made a bed for Arlette in another small spare room downstairs so that she wouldn 't have to bother with the stairs . The only person I wished had been there was Merete . Both Markus and I had called to invite her . But she hadn 't answered her phone to Markus , and to me she 'd come with some excuse that she was tired and anyway had to work on the mid - summer murder installment for tomorrow . I thought she 'd sounded rather snappy , but I had accepted her excuse , not dwelling on it any further . What I hate most about hospitals , believe it or not , is the smell . It seemed to linger everywhere . Even in the reception area which somebody had tried to make look half decent with some flower pots and posters of famous paintings on the walls . It 's hard to describe the hospital smell . It 's not as if it 's strong or pungent , but it sneaks up into your nostrils and has a sort of depressing effect . Slightly sweet and clinical are the most adequate words I can use to describe it . " I 'm here to see Gerda Andersen , " I said to the man behind the reception desk . Even from where I was standing I could see he had the computer opened on his Facebook page . Meeting my eyes , he immediately minimized the browser and went into what I assumed was the patient database or register . I thanked him and went over to the lift . I hoped nobody else was there . Either Sunday afternoon was the perfect family visit to the hospital day , or it was the day the family wanted to chill at home , feeling great , or not so great for having checked in earlier in the week . I didn 't meet anybody as I entered the heart section . The nurse 's room was empty too . I found room 307 and knocked before opening the door . It was a single room . Gerda lay on her right aside with her back towards me . I didn 't know if she was sleeping , so I went over and sat down on the chair beside the bed . I had brought a small pot of blue and white flowers which I put down on her bedside table next to a vase containing a few roses . I don 't know where all the compliments came from . Perhaps it was seeing the old lady lying there , alone and vulnerable looking . Murderer or not . " My baby . He didn 't die . But he was Amund 's baby and I was married to Nils . When he was a few months old , Nils started suspecting that something was wrong . That the baby wasn 't his , which of course it wasn 't . But Nils was very handsome , but he was violent . He used to beat me . Once , he beat one of his own children out of me . Amund and I , he had been in love with me since we were school children . But I hadn 't been interested . Not then . The lighthouse keeper 's son . But one day , one day we talked and the talking lead to more . And nine months later , I had a baby . I was afraid of what Nils would do when he found out . I knew it was Amund 's child . Amund knew too . I 'd told him . We had carried on our affair . " " Amund 's sister 's baby had died from crib death and Amund saw a chance for our son to get a good life and be safe for as long as it took me to get a divorce from Nils . So he went to his sister who , at first was upset by the request of taking in our son while I buried her baby as the son of Nils and me . But she did accept on the condition that she could adopt him . I was unwilling , but at the time , it was the best thing that could have happened . Nobody else apart from Irene 's own husband , a Swede who soon took her and our son to live in Stockholm , Irene , Amund and I knew about the swap . Because Amund had gotten the news on the same day . So the swap was easy . I cried and cried . I missed my son terribly and I 'd had so many miscarriages before getting him . . And my tears were real . Nils told me to shut up and beat me until I cried some more . He said he was happy to get rid of the bastard who could impossibly have been his child . Then , Nils drowned . He didn 't kill my baby , but he would have done . And Nellevine knew . " " I loved him for a long time . He was my teenage sweetheart in fact . But then I found out about his affair . I was very shocked to find out about his affair . I thought nothing could separate us . And then he drowned of course . I knew Nellevine had it in for him . Dishonest man he turned out to be . It was after that , I got the mad reputation . But I don 't care really . " " My mother . Because the first one to drown was my father , the artist . After that , we moved back to Homborsund where my mum comes from . " I decided that was the best way to ask . Did you kill them ? Sounded a tad too forward and rude . I didn 't believe that the ghost was behind it but maybe it I played it like that , she 'd tell me . " Nellevine doesn 't need help to carry out her revenge . Besides , why would I kill Sven ? Arlette would be the one I 'd wanna get rid of . " " Time to take your medicine and get some rest Gerda , " she said . And turning to me , " I think it 's perhaps best you leave now . Gerda is weak and tired . " " So your former step - dad was Gerda 's son ? " I was sitting next to Markus on the sofa in his apartment . It was a nice bachelor pad which was kept clean and tidy . " They do , " I said slowly . Although she made a very good point . Why would she kill her husband whom she loved deeply and not his mistress ? " " I don 't think she was somehow . I can 't really say for sure , but I think Amund may be behind a few of those murders . Think about it . Her father 's mistress was the first one who got killed . " " So what of this Nellevine business ? Do you think she is protecting someone ? " " Amund has bigger motives too to have committed those murders , " I said finally . " In the case of Nils for instance , he had everything to gain . Gerda and he were having an affair ; her loveless and abusive marriage to Nils wasn 't something she could get out of easily . I 'm guessing he would have made problems for her if she filed for a divorce . And I am not sure a divorce would have been looked upon with friendly eyes back then either . " " What about the teacher whoWO had killed the child ? And what about the other murders , " said Markus . I see your point by the way about Amund . " He added and put an arm around my shoulders . " The child could have been a friend of Amund 's . I 'm not sure . As for other murders , I have a suspicion . But I need some time to prove it . Amund must have an accomplish . Someone who works with him . Because otherwise , how would his son have been hanged ? It doesn 't matter how fit he is . I doubt he 'd be strong enough to kill someone that much younger and stronger than him alone . " " He pulled me close and kissed me . " I know you will . " He said . " But it 's Sunday night . Let 's think of something else for a while . Share this : FacebookTwitterGooglePrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Episode 20 . The Lighthouse keeper 's son I was determined to find out what the mid - summer victims had in common . Apart from committing acts that could not be judged by a court . I needed to find the personal connection between the victims and those who had killed them . I had gone to Grimstad with Emma in the morning so I could buyby a cork board to hang up on the wall over the desk in my room . I had also bought a block of post - it paper and some drawing pins . Now I was back home and I 'd just managed to fasten the cork board . I hadn 't really thought of my mum as being one of the mid - summer murder victims , both because it happened in London , and thirty years after the last murder by the Nellevine torch . But with all the new evidence that had come to light recently about my now deceaseddiseased stepdad and his likely blood relation to Amund and his family as well as the fact that it had happened at mid - summer , something I hadn 't really thought of , made me do it . On the row underneath , I wrote the few facts I had about each person as well as questions I needed to find the answer too . Mistress of painter who lived in Lillesand . Newly married with baby on the way . I wrote underneath Helene Hansen 's name . I had first assumed that Gerda meant painter , as in someone painting houses when she talked about the painter Helene Hansen was allegedly dating . But I also wanted to check out if she 'd perhaps meant a painter as in an artist . Accused of killing pupil Toretore . I wrote below Janne Olsen 's name . She had died in 1935 . Had anybody been alive then , who was alive now , that might have known her ? Or even been a friend of the deceaseddiseased boy . Grandma Arlette had been three years oldyear - sold in 1935 , so she wasn 't likely to have known anyone . Gerda would have been ten at the time . So it was likely . And Amund too , but he would probably not be able to give me any valuable information . His daughter - in - law had eventually found Amund with the help of some other neighbour , a man whom I always saw outside working on his boat , two hours later . He had wanderedwondered off to Nellevine and he had let them walk him home without putting up any resistance . They had taken him with them in to Grimstad to stay with them until they knew what the situation would be with Gerda . Dead by hanging herself . I wrote under Pernille 's name . I put a question mark on purpose since I really struggled to believe that a girl in the spring of life would do such a thing . Merete had mentioned something about the lighthouse keeper being a Petrus Henriksen . Were any of these children alive ? Or perhaps grand - children ? It was a well - known enough story that descendants of Henriksen and his son should know about it . If not from their own parents and grandparents , then most certainly from others . Homborsund wasn 't the biggest place in the world and rumours probably spread fast . ( Trace Henriksen 's descendants , = I wrote . Death by drowning , on way to see mistressMistress Arlette Johnsen . I put under Sven Mikkelsen 's name . But apparently the weather had been bad that day , so couldn 't that have been an accident ? I decided to call Arlette to ask if the weather really had been so bad that day . Accused of killing baby . I wrote next to Nils Matsen 's name . That was in 1960 which was … I gasped , but laughed as soon as the thought entered my head . If the baby had been alive , it would have been fiftyfive years old today . Could it be that Christian Home , Karl Lund had been their baby ? He had been a few years younger than mum . But then , why did he looks so much like Amund ? I don 't even know where the thought came from , but it refused to let go , so I wrote it down with three question marks after . I didn 't know what to write underneath mum 's name , because to understand why she died , I had to understand the previous murders and who had committed them . I was getting more and more sure however , that she had been killed and that her murderer had been her husband . But exactly why , I couldn 't really put the finger on . He had seemed like a perfect gentleman in the beginning before he started turning strange . But then , he wasn 't the first man who had tried to kill his wife seemingly out of the blue . I 'd once seen an interview with the wife of an ex - army officer . Her husband had tried to murder her and her children by putting explosives in the car . But they had survived with major injuries . She never really talked about why he 'd done it . Finally I wrote , frank Mikkelsen 1986 and disappeared underneath . I sat on the floor staring up at what I had written . How many murderers was I looking for ? And would they somehow be related ? One was clear already . I got up , and but a red X next to Christian Holm 's name . But he was dead as well as being a murderer . The question was , if I was looking at someone related to him . I paced up and down the room , until I decided to start from another angle . The victims . Maybe that would give me a better idea . I decided to start with the newest murder and work backwards . I 'd be stuck if I tried to find out who murdered a woman 90 years ago since that person likely would not be alive today . My mother was a clear one already . I looked further down at the other deaths that had two things in common . They could not have proven to be murders and in the case of my father , there was no actual proof that he was dead . There was one more thing too . The deaths were of my immediate blood relatives . It almost seemed as if somebody was trying to wipe out my entire family . Could Christian Home have killed both my father and somehow my baby brother ? And was I supposed to have been killed too in that car accident ? And what about the time I had met Laura Nilsen and she 'd pushed me under ? She definitely had a clear connection with both Gerda and Amund . The two men , my grand - father Sven Mikkelsen and Nils Matsen had both been married to Gerda and there was a remote possibility that Tore had been in her class . But what abouto the first murder ? I gave a loud , frustrated sigh and got up . Gerda seemed undeniably guilty of at least two of the murders . And she could have committed two more . She could have hung her sister and she could also have killed my baby brother . If she had somehow been around to see him as a baby . This wasn 't unlikely as I 'm sure mum would have come over with him to grandma and grandpa . My grandpa had been a lot older than grandma and had died before I was born . Heart attack , completely unexpected , but definitely not murder . Gerda was after all , known for having a screw or five loose . Maybe she had killed my father too ? It wasn 't impossible . " I was thinking we could have a little BBQ today . Why don 't you see if Markus is free ? I will invite Anita and Lars and Daniel . " She blushed a little at the last name . " I really like him , " she replied and smiled from ear to ear . " Please can you go outside and hang the seat cushions for the garden chairs up to dry ? And then , I really want your help with the food . " The sun was shining as I entered the garden . I wondered when it had stopped raining . We had stupidly forgotten to take in the cushionss for the chairs the night before , so there were wet . But if this weather persisted , they 'd be fine by this evening . " She 's in a stable condition , but not ready to be discharged just yet , " he said . " I 'm here to water some flowers . She asked mee . " I 'm sure she would be happy to see you . I sent your regards . But she 's still weak , so I guess it 's best to keep it short . " " Sure . I smiled my most dazzling smile and went inside . I wondered if he was mixed up in all of this . I hoped not . He seemed like a decent man . I asked if she wanted to come to our BBQ later . Emma said she 'd lend me the car so I could pick her up . " You can stay the night if you want . Too . " " That would be lovely " she said . Her enthusiasm moved me almost to tears . I wasn 't somebody who had tons of friends , but the few I had were good and steady . And I couldn 't imagine what life without them would be like . " Oh good heavens no . Henriksen was a local greengrocergreen grocer who had a shop in Grimstad . I was friends with his youngest daughter . No . The lighthouse keeper back then was Olav Andersen . He 's the father of Amund Andersen . " " There could have been two . One of them is Atle Johansen . He later moved to Italy where he enjoyed great success . The second one was a guy called Frans Fransen . He was Gerda 's father . " " You 're all set for the babies , " I said . We had decided to meet at Merete 's apartment . She didn 't really have to be at work at a certain time and we wanted the privacy . Her apartment was minimalist in a grey and brown colour scheme which I personally wouldn 't have gone for , but with her choice of furniture ; she 'd somehow made it work . The nursery had been kitted out with two small beds stuffed animals , and the open wardrobe contained some baby clothes . I noticed she 'd chosen gender neutral colours mostly . " I 'm thirty - five . So I 'm a big girl who shouldn 't have any issues . It 's just that , I never planned on having babies . " I knew I had wanted babies from I was quite young . And I had wanted them before I was twenty - five . That was before I knew how young that really was , how much I still wanted to do before I had them , but most importantly I wanted to be in a good stable relationship too . And I had been firmly single at that age . After that , my goal had been thirty . But I never quite felt Ronald ( please don 't call me Ron ) was somebody I wanted as the father of my children . Merete laughed . " You should have seen me before I got knocked up , " she said . " I drank at least ten cups a day . So taking that down to two is pretty amazing of me if I may say so . And I may " . " Well , " said Merete . I was actually surprised when you sent me the picture . Because one of the first serious interviews I did for this paper , about ten years ago , was about life in a mental institution . And one of the patients I interviewed was this woman . " It was entitled " When the world don 't make sense " and told the story of three people who lived in a closed psychiatric ward . They talked openly about their diagnosis , how life had been before they got to the hospital and how they envisaged their future on the outside . It was an informative piece that was an easy read as well as being reflective . The first guy was a man with schizophrenia . The second was a woman with multiple personalities . She would have been the most intriguing to me had it not been for the third woman . Her name was Laura Nilsen and at the time the article was written , she was twenty - two years old . She had been at the institution for two years . She ' was going in and out of psychosis . And she described that when she was in a bad period , she could become very violent . She said that she 'd been one of those children who had grown up in foster homes and been trouble at school . She had done some petty crimes in her teens and had been placed in a home for difficult youth when she was sixteen . From the age of eighteen , and till she was twenty - one , she had lived in moderately supported accommodation . That meant she was free to come , go and do whatever she needed to do , but that there was staff she could call on if she felt like she was going to have a panic attack , or was otherwise mentally unwell . Because even though this was before her returning psychosis , she had been diagnosed as depressed at the time . What had landed her in the psychiatric ward in the end was one day when she , unknown to herself , had her first known episode of psychosis coming on . She had been at work . She was a dinner lady at a canteen for some firm and she enjoyed her job . One of the workers had asked her something , she couldn 't remember what it was , although it was probably a perfectly normal question . Instead of answering , she had lifted a heavy pan full of hot soup and thrown it in the face of the poor man who had ended up in hospital with third degree burns . She had been hopeful about the future . She was to move to supported accommodation in a few months and she was already feeling better . " I regret what happened to that man in the canteen … He did recover eventually I heard . It 's awful to hear what you 've done to other people when you 're mentally present . A bit like a blackout from drinking too much alcohol , only it 's much , much worse . And I regret one more thing . I once stayed with a foster family where I really enjoyed myself , just before I went to live in the home . Partly because the parents of the dad really loved me as a granddaughter . I especially got on with my foster grandfather or grandpa as he allowed me to call him . He once asked me to carry out a big favour for him that he was too old and no longer strong enough to do . But I never got a chance to do it , because at the time , I just couldn 't . I can 't say what the thing is , but it was to help him fulfil what he called his life mission . If he is still alive when I move out , I will help him do what I couldn 't do before . " Merete nodded . " I planned to delete it from the article , but I kept it in there . And the editor said the life mission thing was very touching . " " I suppose he has a point . Only that way of wording it … I don 't know . " I poured myself a huge glass of water and drank . Merete enlarged the photo belonging to the article . A young woman wearing tracksuit bottom and a t - shirt with long strawberry blond hair look back at me . As Clairvoyant Clara , she must have been using green lenses , because in this picture her eyes were … . I gasped . I had seen her before . One eye was blue and the other one grey . I had put her to the back of my mind , but seeing those eyes made the memories come rushing back . It was 1999 and the last year grandma was alive . The day in question had been especially hot , so I decided to go for a swim . After a while , I had been joined by a girl who was perhaps a few years older than me . She had asked if she too could swim . I didn 't really mind . Maybe the girl was new in the neighbourhood . Maybe we could become friends ? She never gave me her name and I don 't think I gave her mine either . But she told me she was visiting the people who lived in the blue house and pointed towards where Gerda lived . And she said that she was only there for the day . We ended up playing around in the water , having contests to see who could swim the fastest . And after a while , she proposed we try and see who could stay under water the longest . It was salt water , so I wasn 't keen , but agreed to try it once . She went first . Her lung capacity was amazing , but I remember at one point feeling worried that she hadn 't come up to breathe for air . When her head finally broke the surface , it was my turn . I went under , and immediately felt as if something or someone was trying to hold me there . I struggled , but whoever it was held my head down so hard that I couldn 't get up until the pressure on my head eased and I broke the surface to see Grandma approaching us . I nodded , having reached the same conclusion . " I wonder what that life mission was exactly . I guess it doesn 't matter now though . He 's senile and probably doesn 't know his right foot from his left . " " It 's unfair you know , " I gasped trying to ignore the increasingly stinging feeling on my right side . I had been very fit not that long ago , but the increase in office hours seemed to have had some effect on my fitness . Before I could run for over an hour . Not exactly marathon fitness , but at least it wasn 't bad . I liked jogging in the London parks in the mornings and I fit it in as often as I could and when the weather was nice . Now , I had been running for twenty minutes and I was ready to collapse . I made a mental note to never let my fitness laps this much again if I could help it . I slowed down and Mica laid down on the ground next to me . I did some stretching exercises hoping they should enable me to continue my run while he watched me with big trusting brown eyes . Mica had taken so well to living with us that you 'd hardly know that only a couple of days earlier ; he 'd not been a happy chap . And Emma was head over heels in love with him . I must confess I had fallen too . And after the events of the past couple of weeks , it felt nice to have a big strong companion around . We started running again about five minutes later when my pulse had slowed down and I felt ready to go , but I had to admit defeat after another five minutes when my side started stinging again . I had to work gradually to get back to where I had been , but hopefully it wouldn 't take that long . Not feeling like sitting down and not wanting to leave Mica in the house if I went kayaking , I decided to take a walk out to Nellevine the lighthouse instead . Emma had been quite alarmed when I had relayed my conversation with Rosa . She blamed herself up and down for not doing a more proper check on the woman . But I calmed her down by telling her she really had had no reason to . My next step was to try and get a picture of the fake Clara . But that was hard because now that the fake Psychics association page was down , there were no pictures of her online . It was then that Emma got the brilliant idea of sending out a mass e - mail to the people who had been to the party to ask if they could forward any pictures they 'd taken to be used in the digital photo album she wanted to create for the celebrations . And she especially asked if anyone had taken pictures of the fortune teller in the white tent . A lot of people came forward with their pictures . A lot of them were similar , so we sat in the evening picking the best ones to put in the album which she would make available on the Hansen & Dale Facebook page . But none of the pictures had been of the fortune teller , unfortunately . Although we had a slight hope that some people would still reply . The walk out to Nellevine was a rocky and uneven one . And I was almost regretting embarking on it . But Mica enjoyed himself . He stopped and sniffed the flowers , trees and bushes . And in certain places , he marked where he had been so that the next doggy who came along would know that this was his territory . Despite the uneven path of the walk , I began to really enjoy it after a while . The smell of sunshine and flowers , the singing of the birds and the white clouds dotted all over the blue sky lifted my spirits . The clouds also gave me relief from the sun which was actually quite hot . I was thinking of nothing , except that I wanted to go for a swim later . And I was going to suggest to Emma that we 'd do a BBQ . And I 'd go look for wild strawberries we could eat for dessert , or maybe we could make some jam . The strawberries growing wild on the ground , in the forest , alongside roads and in gardens were my absolute favourite ones . They were small , sweet and had a stronger strawberry taste than the big ones . My phone vibrated in my pocket and I took it out to see who it was . I was hoping it was a text from Markus . But it was an e - mail from Emma . There was an attachment . My signal here wasn 't great , but I managed to download it . It was a picture of Clairvoyant Clara where she was standing next to the blond woman I 'd met in the toilet at the party who thought she 'd be the new Elizabeth Gilbert . The blond was dominating the picture . Clara was holding a hand up in front of her face , as if to obscure it . I sent the image to Merete along with the words : " Fake fortune teller naming herself Clairvoyant Clara . Any chance you can try and find out who she is ? I 'll do a google picture search , but I have a feeling I won 't find anything of importance . " Mica had started become impatient drag on the lead , so I sent the e - mail and started walking . We were nearly at the lighthouse . I could see it far away in the distance . We reached it twenty minutes later . I had allowed Mica to run on a very long lead , because for some reason he had been so keen to get there . He 'd run fast as lightning and stopped to see whether I was following whenever the lead was pulled to the max . I 'd have wanted him to run freely had it not been for the sign that calfs and sheep were grazing nearby , though I dhadn 't seen any . . I was feeling just a little out of breath after my brisk walk , and I was sweating . I really couldn 't wait for that swim . The lighthouse , I knew , which was really just a torch hadn 't been operated for a while . Not after everything became automatic . Someone perhaps would fix the lights if they didn 't switch on . But there was no lighthouse keeper anymore . I was therefore surprised to find Mica sniffing the air and standing so calmly as if he was listening out for something . " Mica , " I said , making my voice sound strict . But he wasn 't listening . It wasn 't possible to get any closer to the torch . But Mica looked as if he wasn 't going to accept that . He seemed to desperately want to enter it . Then I too saw something . At first , I thought the sunlight was playing a trick on me but know . I saw faint red light coming from the highest point . And I saw something else . A pair of eyes observing Mica and me . Someone was in there . But who could it be ? How many people had the key to the lighthouse ? I turned around and ordered Mica to follow me . At first he was unwilling , but when I pulled on his lead and strictly told him to follow me . It was later in the evening . When I 'd come home , I 'd had a long swim . Mica , it turned out , was an excellent swimmer in class doggy and he had almost not wanted to get out of the water . Afterwards , I 'd taken a shower and prepared for the BBQ . Emma had been delighted at the idea . And we were now sitting in the garden enjoying some strawberries for dessert . I hadn 't managed to pick enough wild strawberries . The few I 'd found disappeared mysteriously into my mouth , so Emma had bought some on our way home . I had told her and Arlette about my ex step - dad and how he had been the cause of my running away from everything . They had said the same thing as Markus . That I needed to face up to him and claim my innocence . The pace of life slows down considerately on the Norwegian south coast at the height of summer . It 's an attitude that 's not shared to the same degree in the capital for example . Although I was shocked to discover how short a Norwegian working day is compared to a British one . Especially because they 're meant to be the same length . It wasn 't quite the height of summer yet , but we were rapidly approaching mid - summer and it was the unwritten rule at Hansen & Dale that after the yearly summer party , things could slow down . Emma had taken the morning off . She wanted to spend the day with the new addition to the household . Get to know Mica properly . I decided to spend the morning at Grimstad library since Markus had called me the day before , thanked me for a great evening on Saturday and asked if I 'd have lunch in town with him on Monday . Since I wanted to do some research on Clairvoyant Clara and since I like to be on the move , I thought it would kill two birds with one stone if I went to town and used the computers there . I opened the browser , and googled Psychics , Norway and association . It amused me that there should be an association for psychics , but then , there seemed to an association for everything niche these days . The most specific I 'd come across in my work was the African and Caribbean society for the deafblind . But all I found apart from " Calla clairvoyant today " were warning articles from the Humanist Association , articles on how much Norwegians spent every year calling these so called psychics and about a Norwegian psychic having been fooled by a BBC logo . But I saw nothing like an association . The only thing I got from googling Clairvoyant Clara was the figure in an Isabel Allende novel . Facebook wasn 't helpful either . Although I was Norwegian and spoke the language pretty much fluent , English was still my most preferred language and I still felt a little bit like a foreigner in my own Norway whenever I was here . But mum had done her best to speak Norwegian at home . And I 'd kept it up when I came to Homborsund in the summer holidays where I read Norwegian books . So my writing was ok as long as I didn 't have to write very complicated things . " Thank you for calling The Fortune Tellers . A psychic will soon be with you to conduct your reading . " " Please wait , while a readers becomes available . " We had eventually managed to track down a Clara on the website of a company that would give you a reading by phone . An extensive google search Markus had also participated in since there was so little to do just then , had left us with only this result . And having nothing else to go on , I decided to call and ask questions since it was the only thing I could do at this stage . Mozart 's 40th Symphony was playing in my ear and for some reason that surprised me . I thought the waiting music of a psychics line would be Indian inspired meditation music . " Hello . My name is Rosa and I 'm going to do your reading today . Before we start , are you aware of the cost of this reading ? " This line made you pay according to how long the reading was , which was fair . The rates were extortionate though , at 15 Norwegian kroners , just over a pound per minute . When I 'd called , I 'd given a sort of receptionist to whom I 'd given my e - mail address for the invoice to be sent to . After the revelation that Clairvoyant Clara had been dead for some time , I had asked Rosa if there was any way I could see a picture of the Clara who had been her colleague . I had given her my e - mail address and she 'd promised to send something through when her shift was over . She answered negatively when I asked her whether there could be any other Clara in Grimstad who was a psychic . " Normally , we don 't do company parties . Those so called clairvoyants are usually doing it as a hobby and it 's very clear from who they are . This girl tried to pass herself off as a proper psychic by setting up that website . " As we turned into the street where the library was , a bike came driving passed , so close that it almost hit Markus . I turned around to see who the reckless biker was . She was obscured by the speed and the helmet , but I was almost sure that I could make out the strawberry blond bob of fake clairvoyant Clara . When I woke up the next morning , I felt better and lighter than I 'd done in ages . We hadn 't discussed my predicament any further after entering the restaurant and that was fine with me . I felt safe in the knowledge that I had people around me who would help should things get ugly with my former step dad . The food had been lovely . We 'd shared a seafood platter for starters . The scallops , mussels , shrimps and crab claws had tasted amazing in that way only seafood just taken out of the sea could . Afterwards , I 'd eaten fried flatfish with rice , and garden salad with pomegranate vinegar dressing . Markus had chosen a fish risotto . We had talked while we enjoyed the food and wine . And though I know it 's a cliché , it felt like we 'd known each other for ages . When the dinner was over , and we 'd paid our bills , he helped me get a cab , and kissed me briefly , but passionately on the lips before we parted . " We can eat some of this waffles now , " Emma said while I set the table . " But the rest , we 're bringing to Arlette . I 'm really dying to meet her again . But before we go there , I 'm taking us to the dog house . " " She works for the animal welfare as a volunteer and since she and her partner have a reasonably large house , sometimes takes in stray dogs that need new homes when their kennels are filled up . And since I 'd been thinking of getting a dog for a while , I thought I 'd come today since she has five staying with her . « That 's exciting , " I exclaimed , reaching for a waffle . I absolutely adored dogs , but I 'd never felt it was the right time to have one since I often worked long hours . Emma on the contrary , had not been a dog person at all , so the news that she wanted a dog came as quite a surprise . The dogs were outside in the garden when we arrived . Anita and a man I assumed was her boyfriend sat on their veranda drinking Fanta with ice cubes and observed the dogs playing . There was a huge German shepherd laying under a tree not joining in at all , a Dalmatian and Irish setter rolling around on the grass , a poodle washing itself and a black Labrador chewing contentedly on a bone . The Dalmatian and the setter were all over us as soon as we got inside the gate . The Labrador came to sniff , but the poodle and the German shepherd seemed completely uninterested in us . Emma backed away in horror as the Dalmatian jumped up and tried to lick her face . " This is Belle , " Anita said and patted the Irish setter . The lab is called Max , the poodle Alana and this here , " she walked over to the German shepherd who now appeared to be sleeping . " This is Mica . He came to me a couple of weeks ago and he has been very quiet all the time . He was found in an overheated shed in a back garden . Someone in the neighbouring house called to alert us that the owners had moved without taking the dog . I passed in my playing fetch with Belle . " I don 't know , " I said . " But it 's going to be your dog , so you 'll have to make the decision . " Emma patted all the dogs in turn , except the poodle that seemed to be interested in only herself . When she was done , she started walking towards the gate . Anita and I watched with excitement as Mica , the German shepherd got up and started following her . " Miracles haven 't ceased to happen , " she said when they 'd both reached the gate . She entwined her fingers into his soft long hairs and he leaned his head towards her . " Because I never thought I 'd A , get a dog , and B , get a big dog . " Half an hour later , we were on the road . Anita had given us Mica 's bowl as well as his colour and lead . " The owners had the sense to microchip him . He 's been to the vet , and he 's physically healthy . I 'm sure he 'll recover just fine with you mentally . « We were now on our way to Arlette . Mica sat in the back seat and stared out of the window as if he 'd never done anything else in his life . Arlette was sitting on the veranda listening to something through headphones when we arrive . She was overjoyed to see me again . And though she and Emma had only met a few times many years ago , they seemed happy to see each other as well . Even Mica , understanding that Arlette was family , came up to sniff her hand and he let her pat his head before he lied down gently at her feet . " Most curious , " said Arlette after I 'd told them about Clairvoyant Clara at the Hansen & Dale summer party . " I too would normally write off those fortune tellers as fake . But she seemed to know a lot of things about you that you could never have told her . " " Unless , " I said . " And I know this sounds crazy , but maybe she 's in on the whole thing . " " That would be a really strange coincidence , " said Emma . Although the booking of her did happen in a very strange way , because she was the one who called us . She mentioned being a psychic and that her friend worked for us and had told her about the summer party . And would we need a fortune teller ? You know , just for fun ? I spoke to Hansen Jr about it before I said yes , and he was delighted at the idea . Not because he believed in fortune telling , but because he thought it would be a nice edition the women and children especially would enjoy . " Emma shook her head . But I found her on some National Association of psychics website listed under that name . So I accepted her request to be at our party as it was just a bit of fun anyway . " Recent Comments builtbyflaws on Self - improvement lesson 7 . Lov … Lioness Oyinbo on Self - improvement lesson 7 . 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Alexander yawned and stretched and was suddenly aware that he was not alone . Someone was in his rooming watching him sleep . At once he was awake . Alarmed he watched around while he tried to figure out how to reach his sword as quickly as possible but he could not see anyone at all . It must have been a dream or imagination . His mind had played tricks with him lately . With his heart still beating quickly he leaned back against his pillow to calm down . Should he worry that maybe he was turning mad ? No , surely it was just the pressure that he had felt lately . Maybe the lack of sleep could also be a contributing factor . He had found it very difficult to fall asleep lately . Now he would definitely not be able to sleep again . He felt slightly irritated because he had been dreaming about Aliendre and would have liked to dream a little longer . It was still early and the castle was wakening up . Servants would be lighting fires , preparing the meals for today and all the other tasks he knew very little about . As he put his feet on the wooden floor he decided that it would be a good time for outdoor exercise , still not too warm to work hard . Alexander pulled his chainmail over his head and grabbed his sword . Except for the guards that were on duty he could only see one person in the courtyard , a young girl . When he realized that she had a wooden sword in her hand he almost dropped his jaw , such impudence ! A servant had no business being in the exercise area with a wooden sword in her hand ? He took a deep breath as he prepared to harshly reprimand her . Then he realized that she only had put the sword up from the ground where it must have fallen . She grabbed her broom again and moved it with regular strokes while looking down at the ground so that he could barely see her face but he had already recognized her as the young maid that had been sent out from Alde 's room . Obviously she was on outdoor duty now . He started to warm up with some routine exercises with the sword . After a while he noted that he could not hear the sound of the sweeping anymore and looked up . The girl was closer now and when he looked at her she looked down quickly and started to sweep with very determined strokes . Alexander smiled for himself ; the girl had obviously been watching him . He started his exercise again , now showing of a little , and soon enough the sound of the sweeping stopped . This time he waited a while before he looked up and had the satisfaction to see the girls cheeks turn red as she dropped the broom when he caught her eyes . Quickly she picked up the broom and started to sweep again . Although she had been caught it didn 't seem to stop her from watching again because he could hear the sound of the sweeping disappear after a while and he knew that she still was there . This time he didn 't look up . She could watch if she wanted , he didn 't mind to have an audience . Alexander went into the great hall pleasantly weary . The exercise had done him good and now he longed for a heavy breakfast . Craftsmen were busy as the King had decided that the hall needed wooden panels before the wedding . " I came late yesterday night . You had already gone to bed . The rest of my family is staying in town . Looks like you have been up exercising already . " " I look forward to meeting Princess Alde . You 're a lucky prince Alexander . A rich wife with influence and beauty , what else can a man wish for ? Erik patted Alexander hard on the back . Alexander had just raised his goblet to have a sip of beer and as Erik patted him on the back bear spilled all over his face . " Are you enjoying yourself Alde ? " Alexander asked . He thought that Alde was more beautiful than ever . There was an eagerness and sweetness in her face , a face that otherwise had a tendency to look a bit too sharp . Maybe she wasn 't so bad after all . He realized that he hadn 't really given her a fair chance . " This feast has overtrumped all my expectations . I told your father , his Majesty the King , that I 'm very honored by all his efforts for our wedding . Can you believe that we finally will be husband and wife tomorrow ? We must travel to visit my father soon after the wedding , don 't you think ? " He took her hands in his . They were small and soft with long slender fingers and he realized that he had barely touched Alde at all during the time that they had spent together . They had never been alone of course , but except for courteous and gentle kisses on her hand he had never touched her . He could feel that she smelled like roses when they were standing close to each other . " I must not keep you all to myself tonight , " Alde said . " There are so many people here who want a word with you and we will have plenty of time to talk after tomorrow " . He saw her wander off to a group of Ladies who were delighted to have her attention . Alde was the center of the hall and was obviously enjoying herself . Wherever she went eyes were following her and she seemed to charm everyone . As Alexander followed Alde with his eyes , thinking that he should be proud to have such a wife , a well known feeling overwhelmed him . It was a very strong feeling of someone watching him . But he knew that if he turned around no one would be there because this had happened once or twice a day for some time now . Of course there would be people watching him in this room but not with that intense stare that he felt touching his very brain . Maybe he was turning mad after all . Before he had regained control over his own mind he almost fell forward as Erik patted him hard on the shoulder . " Hi , there little prince , you look pale and tense . Are you nervous about tomorrow ? Would you mind if I speak with Princess Alde for a while ? " Erik strolled off to speak with Alde and Alde 's giggles were soon mixed with Erik 's loud laughter . Erik was very much like Alde , Alexander thought , he filled a room with his presence . It was good , Alexander thought , that Alde and Erik seemed to get along so well together . Maybe she could help to unite their families . Alexander said good night . He had already stayed longer than he was expected . After all , tomorrow was his wedding but he knew that he would probably not be able to fall asleep anyway . Alde had already left with her entourage a long time ago and it was obvious that the party was not the same without her presence . She was like a light that the other guests cirkled around , eager to have her attention . He could hear giggles from different corners of the castle mixed with the music coming from the great hall . Some young couples had obviosly been able to sneak away from their guardians he thought with a smile . Alexander passed Alde 's door in the long corridor as he went to his room . This was the last night that he would not be alone in his bed and he didn 't really know if that was good or bad . Although Alde had been like a light in the center of the party he had not been able to avoid thinking about Aliendre . It felt like he had a hole inside . He opened the door and entered his empty room . He couldn 't sleep and it wasn 't because he was thinking about the wedding . As soon as he closed his eyes he could see Aliendre 's face and he felt so empty that it hurt . Suddenly he jumped out of his bed . There had been a strange sound in the corridor outside his room . A sound that he couldn 't really identify , some kind of buzzing that he had never heard before . But as he turned around he froze . In the end of the corridor was a slender figure with a hooded cape . He remembered the intruder that had been killed outside his room many years ago and cursed himself for not bringing the sword . The figure was small and looked like a young boy rather than a man , but it must be a really cunning boy to be able to pass all the guards . This night would of course be one of the best occasions an intruder could wish for , because there were guests everywhere and he suspected that even the guards might have sipped a little too much wine . He looked around to see if he could find something that he could use as a weapon or maybe throw at the intruder to get some time to get his sword . " Alexander , it 's just me . " The voice was clear and soft like music . It was the voice of a woman and it sounded almost pleading . It could not be possible , indeed he was turning mad . He took step closer and saw two large wide open blue eyes looking pleadingly at him . " It 's me , Aliendre , don 't you remember me ? " She threw off the hooded cape and her long brown hair fell over her shoulders . The years had made her even more beautiful than he could remember . " Oh , I have shielded myself and I teleported here , " she said as if there was nothing more to it . " Are you angry that I came ? " Her voice trembled and her eyes were wide . At his words her tense shoulders relaxed and she threw herself in his arms . She felt real enough . The hole in his body was gone and he was complete and happy . Her laughter was like sparkling water . Reluctantly she backed slightly from his firm grip . " We must hurry , she said . They cannot see me but I don 't doubt that my father is keeping an eye on you . " " Here , you need this shield so that my father cannot find you , " Aliendre said as soon as they got into Alexander 's room . She slipped a long chain around his neck . The chain had a pendant with a snake on a gemstone . " This will protect you from magic . My father will probably try to find you with his crystal ball but if you wear this he will not be able to see you because I have put my magic into it . Father will of course notice that his magic will bounce from you and therefore he will understand that I 'm with you . Therefore we must hurry . " " I believe that King Eraldor has already been watching me , " he said . " That would explain the uncanny feeling I 've had several times lately . It 's a very strong feeling of being watched . I felt it this night not long ago . Aliendre looked very pleased to hear what he said . " It is good that he watched you so recently " . That means he will not try again for a while . It is very demanding to use magic against another person 's mind , and especially to find another mind so far away . He will need to rest before he can use it again . " You look tired Aliendre . I cannot let you travel before you have rested . " She shook her head . " The reason that I 'm tired is that I used magic to get here as fast as possible . I have walked , run but also teleported over large distances . To get into the castle I had to teleport through the thick stone walls and I will not be able to use much more magic for a while . Father might try to find you already tomorrow morning . After all he is very powerful . So you see we have no time to rest . I will rest later . But I cannot teleport both of us so we will have to travel without magic nonetheless . " For a second Alexander thought that maybe he should be considering that it was his wedding day tomorrow and that escaping with Aliendre was not very responsible . There was also another important detail about elves and humans that Eraldor had told him . But these thoughts just touched his mind very briefly . It seemed so obvious and right that he was meant to escape together with Aliendre . There was really nothing else he could do . Aliendre did not even ask him , she seemed to know exactly what they should do . They could hardly let go of each other now that they were together a last but Aliendre was nervous and restless . She made him pack the most necessary items and hurried him out through the door . No one tried to stop them or even seemed to notice them as they went to through the castle , passing the wardrobe and the kitchen on their way out to the courtyard and to the stables . Silently they saddled two horses and put all their packing on a third . They took the horses out of the stable and went to the main gate . Although the guards at the gate looked a little skeptical they did not ask any questions about him leaving the castle in the company on an unknown visitor and a lot of packing in the middle of the night . Alexander could see that Aliendre were moving her lips as she looked down and figured that she might be using some kind of magic to affect the guards ' minds in addition to the shield he was wearing . He had no idea where they were going but it didn 't matter as long as he was together with Aliendre . The sky was clear and the stars bright . He could feel the cool night air against his cheeks as he and Aliendre were galloping silently next to each other , heading for the forest . He had never felt more happy and free . Roe inspected the piece of flint to figure out how to best hit it to make a flint scrape . She grabbed the hammer tool to hit the core stone and thought about Thorundur . Obviously he had forgotten all about her because he was too occupied with Aliendre . He had not visited Roe since Roe had used the magic potion . She hated all Elves . Roe grabbed the hammerstone and hit it hard against the flint . Satisfied she inspected the result and prepared to grab the hammer stone to hit the flint again when she heard her mother calling her name quietly . She looked around and saw Otter and Wolf hurrying into their hut . They seemed to be alarmed by something . Roe turned her head and gaped . She was dazzled by the creature that was approaching her . It shone in the sun and she could not feel any scent from it because the wind was blowing from her . Could it be one of the spirits coming to punish her for what she had done to Aliendre ? When the figure came into the shadows of the trees it didn 't shine anymore and she could feel the scent of a horse . Otter called her name silently from the hut to make her run away and hide . Roe realized that hiding would be the most sensible thing to do but her curiosity was much greater than her fear . Now that the creature had stopped shining she realized that it was an armored rider that she was looking at . The rider looked exactly like Aliendre had described the Elven warriors in her stories . What could a mighty Elven warrior be doing here ? The horse was black like her old friend and looked very much like him . The wind turned and she caught another well known scent , but that scent didn 't make sense at all . " Roe I have much to tell you , " the rider said with Thorundur 's voice . He took off the helmet and tried to make the horse stop which took him a while . Amazed Roe realized that the horse he was riding was the same horse that she had found in the human realm and that she had given the gift of freedom . How could this be ? Thorundur jumped down from the horse that was stepping around so that Thorundur almost lost his balance . He did not smile at her . Roe gaped . The potion must have worked after all but Thorundur 's armor and the expression on his face made her fear that something had gone terribly wrong with her plans . She had never seen Thorundur like this before . Although he had been upset and angry before he had never before looked like he did today . Of course the strange outfit made him look different but there was also a grim expression in his face that made him seem like a completely different person . " I don 't like this at all Thorundur , " she said . " If Aliendre ran away she probably wants to be where she is now and why can 't someone else go and take her home if you think that 's a good idea . What are you wearing by the way ? It looks very uncomfortable . " " This was my grandfather 's armor . He died in the war against the Dark elves and Toraldor has kept this armor in his house . " There was pride in Thorundur 's voice . Toraldor and I found this horse running around in the forest and we caught him , although it wasn 't easy . He has a lot of temperament this horse . His name his Night - sky " Roe snorted . She found the name that they had given the horse ridiculous but she chose to not say anything about it . " Does your brother know that you have taken the armor and the horse and are going to take Aliendre home ? " " Of course not , he would only want me to tell the elves from the court were I think she might be but I am going there myself . Besides I don 't know for sure that they are there . " " Is that a sword ? " she said at pointed at Thorundur 's side . The first time she had heard about swords in Aliendre 's stories it had disturbed her very much . As far as she could understand swords were not useful for hunting but were only meant to hurt other people with . " Would you really be prepared to use a sword against another person ? " She couldn 't help the accusing tone in her voice because she had never understood how elves and humans could kill or hurt other people on purpose . " What would you know about that Roe ? After all I have actually met one human and how many humans have you seen ? " There was a scornful tone in his voice that he never had used against her before . She couldn 't really admit that she knew much more about humans and their ferocity than she would have liked . Instead she changed the subject to the horse . " Do you really think that it 's a good idea to ride the horse ? It looks like you don 't really get along with each other ? " Thorundur 's eyes were narrow when he looked at her . " The horse is faster than I would be without him . Besides it isn 't that easy to ride a horse . This is a very wild horse and I haven 't much experience of riding but I 'm sure I will manage . " " I thought it was just to sit on their back and let them carry you wherever you wanted to go , " Roe mumbled and patted the horse on the neck . She called him the name that she had used before , a name that was a sound that she had heard horses do when they were friendly . He seemed happy to see her again and pushed his head against her arm . " No , riding is much more complicated than that , " Thorundur said and for the first time since he came he was laughing . But it wasn 't a very friendly laugh Roe thought . She had to bite her lip to not tell Thorundur that this horse was her friend and that they had travelled together . This was no time to argue with Thorundur about less important matters . She had a feeling that she was on the edge of a disaster . " Please don 't go Thorundur . The human may also have a sword and you could get hurt or even killed . You don 't have to do this . " " You don 't understand Roe . " Thorundur 's voice sounded desperate . " If Aliendre gives her heart to a mortal she will die ! She will also become mortal . The prince is killing her . You must understand that I have to save her if I can . " Roe gasped . She hadn 't known this . Thorundur put on his helmet again and with great difficulty he mounted the black stallion who was stepping around . Soon Roe could only see the back of Thorundur as he disappeared into the forest with the armor shining in the sun . It was not the prince that had killed Aliendre , it was she . She had killed her with the love potion just as surely as if she had poured poison into the tea . Death would not come immediately of course , but Aliendre would age like mortals and like mortals she would not escape the fate that other elves did not have to face . Suddenly Roe realized the total extent of the horrible truth . She could never have Thorundur unless she wanted to kill him and she loved him too much to let him die . It was also obvious that he had never loved her and never would . He was even willing to risk his own life to save Aliendre . Roe 's parents found her sitting on the ground moaning with her face buried in her hands . Sweat trickled down Thorundur 's face . Even in the shade of the trees the metal helmet made it feel like his head was boiling . One good thing about the warmth was that at least it seemed to calm the horse down . He hadn 't admitted it to Roe but he was scared every minute that he was on the hot - tempered stallion 's back . Everything was wrong and he missed Roe so much . He didn 't know what he had done wrong but she had been so scornful and angry at him lately . When he had told Roe how he felt for Aliendre she had make it clear that she didn 't find him worthy of a princess . He had never thought that Roe of all people would make that kind of difference between people . Lately she seemed to despise and dismiss everything that he said . He would show her ! Everyone would praise him when he brought Aliendre home and Roe would understand that he was not as worthless as she believed . In the mirror at home he had seen a mighty elven warrior . He felt embarrassed when he remembered how he had looked forward to the impressed look he had been so sure that Roe would have when she saw him dressed in armor . Roe had only found him ridiculous . Now he felt nothing like the elven warrior that he had seen in the mirror . The old chainmail was warm , heavy and chafed but he figured that the human would give up easily when he faced an elven warrior so he endured the uncomfortable outfit . If the human would be stupid enough to fight him , the armor would probably be useful . Aliendre had once shown him a place that he thought would be ideal if she wanted to keep away together with the prince . He hadn 't really planned what to do if he found her but he figured that the human would give up and that Aliendre would realize the foolishness in running away with a human and come home with him . The king would praise him and everyone would be impressed . He would be a hero and Roe would admire him . Thorundur 's imaginations were interrupted as the black stallion jumped aside when a bird flew from a bush . He almost fell to the ground . Maybe takingConfused Thorundur looked around and then down on his own chest . He was dressed in armor and was riding a hot tempered stallion . How could this be ? He was all alone in the middle of the forest and he couldn 't remember what he was doing here but somehow he knew that he was riding in the wrong direction so he turned around . Maybe Roe could tell him if he went to her . There was something that didn 't feel good when he thought about Roe . Of course , now he remembered . Roe was angry at him but he couldn 't remember why . Or maybe it was he who was angry at Roe . There was someone else he should remember too . Then suddenly it all became clear . He should bring Aliendre home but he had forgotten . He shook his head and smiled . Obviously there was magic working here . Aliendre must have put a spell around her hiding place . He turned back and concentrated hard on the destination . Again he could feel a wave of confusion when he approached the place where he had turned back , but he spurred the horse to make it run forward . For a while he couldn 't remember why he was on the back of a galloping horse but then the trees thinned out and he could see the glade . The fence surrounding a pasture had been mended and there were three horses grassing there . In front of the cabin he could see the human chopping wood . He had been right , they were here . Suddenly Night - Sky neighed and the horses in the enclosure responded . The prince looked up and the chance to surprise him was lost . The fright in the human 's face made Thorundur feel very content . He tried to make the horse stop but it wasn 't easy because it stepped around and was more interested in the other horses than to listen to Thorundur . This moment wasn 't exactly as he had planned and when he finally reached the ground on unsteady legs Alexander had already put on a chainmail and had a sword in his hand . Stupid horse , Thorundur 's chance to surprise Alexander was gone . Thorundur stretched his back . He couldn 't see Aliendre . " I 'm here to rescue Princess Aliendre . She will come back with me and escape the fate of the mortals " he said doing his best to sound like a mighty elven warrior . " How could you find this place ? It 's shielded . " The prince seemed more worried about the fact that Thorundur had found him than about the sword in Thorundur 's hand . The prince didn 't seem impressed . " It 's Aliendre 's choice to be with me and I will not give her up as long as she wants me . This is ridiculous . Go back . " Thorundur swallowed . This was not going as he had planned . He had no other choice than to raise his sword to demonstrate that he wasn 't going to give up . The prince didn 't wait for the first strike . Before Thorundur could blink he heard the sound of metal meeting metal as the prince parried his sword with his own . The strength in the blow made Thorundur lose his balance for a short while . He realized that Roe had been right , he had underestimated the human . Every time he moved his sword to strike at the prince , Alexander parried easily . It almost seemed as if he was playing with Thorundur . Not once did he try to strike back . It was like an absurd dance , and Thorundur found that the sword was becoming heavier and heavier while Alexander 's strength didn 't seem to diminish at all . A sharp cry echoed over sound of metal meeting metal . Thorundur looked up and saw Aliendre 's terrified face . She had raised one of her hands . For an instant he could see her hand being lit up and then there was a sharp pain in his own hand when the light bolt hit him . He dropped the sword and fell backwards . " What are you doing here ? How could you find us ? " Aliendre shrieked . He had never seen the calm princess so upset before . " I have come to bring you back . The King and Queen are very upset and everyone is looking for you . This is not right Aliendre and you know it . Our kind is not meant to live with the mortals . You will die . The prince is killing you . " " How dare you believe that you can make choices for me ? Do you think Alexander could keep me here against my will ? Actually he begged me to leave him when he realized what it will do to me to love him . But this is my choice . I 'm happier than I 've ever been before . Who are you to judge me ? You 're only truly happy when you 're with Roe and she 's mortal just like Alexander . " She raised her head high and looked triumphant . " Besides it 's already too late for me . " Thorundur looked down . Aliendre 's last words were horrifying but she was right , it was none of his business what she did after all . This had been one of his worst ideas ever . He should have listened to Roe . Aliendre was wrong to compare Alexander with Roe though . Roe was not a human and she was his friend , not the woman that he would give his heart to . He knew that elves were not supposed to live with mortals . " Go away now Thorundur . I do not wish to move from this place so I beg you to not tell anyone where to find me . " She didn 't sound as if she was begging . " If I find out that you have told anyone , you can trust that I will make you regret it . " " I would not , he said with head down . " I 'm sorry Aliendre . It was wrong of me to come here but I would never betray you . " He picked up the sword and walked slowly to his horse who was standing outside the pasture looking as he was talking with the other horses . Thorundur grabbed the reins and swung himself up in the saddle . Night - Sky took a jump forward when he felt Thorundur 's foot touching his haunch and Thorundur fell headlong to the ground . He tried to get up but found himself stuck to a thick branch that had wedged between the plates of his chest armor . There was no end to his humiliation . He pulled hard to get loose . Finally he managed to get up on the back of Night - Sky and started his ride back home with a hanging head . It was a somber ride back . Not only was he humiliated but also very sad about Aliendre 's choice . It was unheard of that an elf would chose mortality for the love of a mortal . Everyone knew that elves were not supposed to live with the mortals . Aliendre 's sad fate would no doubt be told in stories thousands of years from now . Life used to be so easy and uncomplicated and now everything was a mess . Everything had been a total disaster . He felt dizzy and weak and his chest hurt where the branch had hit his chainmail . The armor was too warm and heavy . He stopped the horse and jumped down to the soft ground . It felt so good to get rid of the weight of the plated armor but every breath hurt . He pulled the chain mail over his head and felt how his hand got wet from the sweat on his chest . The effort it took to bend down to strike the hand against the grass to get rid of the sweat made him feel even dizzier . He stretched out his hand and saw that it was soaked in blood . It was wet from blood , not sweat ! There was a large red patch on the tunic on his chest . He knew that it was too much blood and then he realized something else . Oh no , grandfather will be angry because I have ruined his silk tunic , he thought . No of course not , how silly he was . Grandfather had been dead since long before Thorundur was born . Then Thorundur realized the logic in his thoughts . Of course he would also be dead soon , and then he would meet his grandfather . He would leave this world and he would never meet Roe again . Would she find his bones eventually or would she always wonder why he never came back to her ? Then everything went black and he didn 't think more . The even breaths told Roe that her mother and father had been sleeping for hours but every time she closed her eyes to try to sleep troublesome thoughts whirled around in her head . She felt sorry for her parents to have such a terrible daughter . Her father had been right ; an elf could of course never love a mortal . She didn 't believe that her father had known that such a love would kill the elf but he had been right none the less . If she had listened to her parents everything would be fine now , but instead she had been selfish and now Aliendre would die because of it . Maybe there was still a chance that Thorundur could save Aliendre and that he and the elven princess could be happy together . There was no point in trying to sleep so she sneaked out of the hut and sat down under the clear sky . Her fantasies had been so childish and selfish . She had believed that she could somehow just borrow Thorundur while she lived . When she died he would continue his everlasting life with the elves . Now she knew that it wasn 't possible . She tried to imagine what it must be like to be immortal and not have to think about the years that passed . Immortality must be the greatest gift that had ever been given to any living creature in the world and if it had been her gift she couldn 't imagine that she would ever want to give it up . Roe promised herself that from now on she would be a very good daughter and do everything that her parents told her . She would take Bear as a spouse and live a normal life like she was supposed to . After all , any girl would consider herself very lucky to live with Bear . She had been very ungrateful to not appreciate her parents ' care . Of course she wanted to have a family and she was not getting any younger . If she waited too long Bear might chose another girl and she would probably never find a spouse at all . It was time to grow up . When she thought about the children that she would have she felt some happiness but she couldn 't conjure a feeling of happiness when she thought about the rest of her future . Obviously there was something very wrong with her . Her parents always patiently corrected her and explained things that they seemed to take for granted . She always did things that worried and surprised them . The life that others of her people lived seemed so suffocating and limited but she would do her best to be like them . After all she was a child of the forest and she should be grateful for everything that the forest gave to her people . She would have to give up being Thorundur 's friend although it was almost unbearable to imagine a life without him . It would be even harder to try to live like the Forest people as Bear 's wife if she would continue to meet the person that understood her better than anyone , the person that made her heart beat faster and the colors become brighter . " Roe , why are you sitting here ? The elf needs you . You must go and find him . " Roe flinched . The voice sounded distant and familiar . She looked up . In front of her was The Mother ! Horrified Roe fell to the ground . " I 'm so sorry , I didn 't know . I never wanted Aliendre to die . Please forgive me . " " Roe , I am not angry at you . How could I be when I love you so much ? You must find the elf before it is too late . " The Mother 's voice was gentle . " Too late for what ? He doesn 't want me , he hates me and I don 't blame him because I 'm a terrible person . But I will try very hard to improve . Please forgive me . I will honor my father and my mother and I will always listen to them from now on . " The Mother put a finger over her lips and smiled a gentle smile . " Hush Roe , where is my brave girl tonight ? This is not like her . The elf does not hate you and he needs you more than ever . I know you can find him if you try but I 'm afraid that it might be too late . Remember that my love will always be with you no matter what happens . " The Mother started to walk away from Roe and soon she was absorbed into the night like she never had been there , just like the last time Roe had met her . Did Thorundur really need her ? Then he must be in trouble . Roe felt the panic rising in her . Was it not enough that she would be the cause of Aliendre 's death ? Had something bad happened to Thorundur too ? She would do her best to find him and save him if he needed to be saved . Then she would not cause any more troubles . She would move to Bear and be a good spouse and raise children of the Forest people and she would never see Thorundur again . It couldn 't be too late , it just couldn 't . She looked up at the sky . It was clear enough so the moonlight should be sufficient to track Thorundur . She strapped a hunting knife around her thigh , rolled some things that might prove to be useful in a skin , and went out into the night . 

THE FIRST PAINTING WAS of an egg , the pale ovoid produced with faint strokes of pink , blue , and violet to create the illusion of white . After that there were two apples , a pear , an avocado , and finally , an empty plate on a white tablecloth before a window covered with gauzy curtains , a single fly nestled in a fold at the top right corner . The series was titled " Journey into the Kingdom . " On a small table beneath the avocado there was a black binder , an unevenly cut rectangle of white paper with the words " Artist 's Statement " in neat , square , hand - written letters taped to the front . Balancing the porcelain cup and saucer with one hand , Alex picked up the binder and took it with him to a small table against the wall toward the back of the coffee shop , where he opened it , thinking it might be interesting to read something besides the newspaper for once , though he almost abandoned the idea when he saw that the page before him was handwritten in the same neat letters as on the cover . But the title intrigued him . THOUGH I ALWAYS enjoyed my crayons and watercolors , I was not a particularly artistic child . I produced the usual assortment of stick figures and houses with dripping yellow suns . I was an avid collector of seashells and sea glass and much preferred to be outdoors , throwing stones at seagulls ( please , no haranguing from animal rights activists , I have long since outgrown this ) or playing with my imaginary friends to sitting quietly in the salt rooms of the keeper 's house , making pictures at the big wooden kitchen table while my mother , in her black dress , kneaded bread and sang the old French songs between her duties as lighthouse keeper , watcher over the waves , beacon for the lost , governess of the dead . My mother fixed him hot tea but he refused it , she begged him to take off the wet clothes and retire with her , to their feather bed piled with quilts , but he said , " Tend the light , don 't waste your time with me . " So my mother , a worried expression on her face , left our little keeper 's house and walked against the gale to the lighthouse , not realizing that she left me with a ghost , melting before the fire into a great puddle , which was all that was left of him upon her return . She searched frantically while I kept pointing at the puddle and insisting it was he . Eventually she tied on her cape and went out into the storm , calling his name . I thought that , surely , I would become orphaned that night . For one so young , my chores were immense . I tended the lamp , and kept our own hearth fire going too . I made broth and tea for my mother , which she only gradually took , and I planted that small bag of soil by the door to our little house , savoring the rich scent , wondering if those who lived with it all the time appreciated its perfume or not . I did not really expect anything to grow , though I hoped that the seagulls might drop some seeds or the ocean deposit some small thing . I was surprised when , only weeks later , I discovered the tiniest shoots of green , which I told my mother about . She was not impressed . By that point , she would spend part of the day sitting up in bed , mending my father 's socks and moaning , " Agatha , whatever are we going to do ? " I did not wish to worry her , so I told her lies about women from the mainland coming to help , men taking turns with the light . " But they are so quiet . I never hear anyone . " She was resistant at first . But I begged and cajoled , promised her it would be worth her effort . " The fairies have planted flowers for us , " I said , this being the only explanation or description I could think of for the infinitesimal blossoms everywhere . Reluctantly , she followed me through the small living room and kitchen , observing that , " the ladies have done a fairly good job of keeping the place neat . " She hesitated before the open door . The bright sun and salty scent of the sea , as well as the loud sound of waves washing all around us , seemed to astound her , but then she squinted , glanced at me , and stepped through the door to observe the miracle of the fairies ' flowers . Never had the rock seen such color , never had it known such bloom ! My mother walked out , barefoot , and said , " Forget - me - nots , these are forget - me - nots . But where ? " She stood out there for quite a while , weeping as she walked amongst the flowers . Later , after she came inside and said , " Where are all the helpers today ? " I shrugged and avoided more questions by going outside myself , where I discovered scarlet spots amongst the bloom . My mother had been bedridden for so long , her feet had gone soft again . For days she left tiny teardrop shapes of blood in her step , which I surreptitiously wiped up , not wanting to draw any attention to the fact , for fear it would dismay her . She picked several of the forget - me - not blossoms and pressed them between the heavy pages of her book of myths and folklore . Not long after that , a terrible storm blew in , rocking our little house , challenging our resolve , and taking with it all the flowers . Once again our rock was barren . I worried what effect this would have on my mother but she merely sighed , shrugged , and said , " They were beautiful , weren 't they , Agatha ? " So passed my childhood : a great deal of solitude , the occasional life - threatening adventure , the drudgery of work , and all around me the great wide sea with its myriad secrets and reasons , the lost we saved , those we didn 't . And the ghosts , brought to us by my father , though we never understood clearly his purpose , as they only stood before the fire , dripping and melting like something made of wax , bemoaning what was lost ( a fine boat , a lady love , a dream of the sea , a pocketful of jewels , a wife and children , a carving on bone , a song , its lyrics forgotten ) . We tried to provide what comfort we could , listening , nodding , there was little else we could do , they refused tea or blankets , they seemed only to want to stand by the fire , mourning their death , as my father stood sentry beside them , melting into salty puddles that we mopped up with clean rags , wrung out into the ocean , saying what we fashioned as prayer , or reciting lines of Irish poetry . Though I know now that this is not a usual childhood , it was usual for me , and it did not veer from this course until my mother 's hair had gone quite gray and I was a young woman , when my father brought us a different sort of ghost entirely , a handsome young man , his eyes the same blue - green as summer . His hair was of indeterminate color , wet curls that hung to his shoulders . Dressed simply , like any dead sailor , he carried about him an air of being educated more by art than by water , a suspicion soon confirmed for me when he refused an offering of tea by saying , " No , I will not , cannot drink your liquid offered without first asking for a kiss , ah a kiss is all the liquid I desire , come succor me with your lips . " My mother was surprised , upon her return , to find the lad still standing , as vigorous as any living man , beside my father 's puddle . We were both surprised that he remained throughout the night , regaling us with stories of the wild sea populated by whales , mermaids , and sharks ; mesmerizing us with descriptions of the " bottom of the world " as he called it , embedded with strange purple rocks , pink shells spewing pearls , and the seaweed tendrils of sea witches ' hair . We were both surprised that , when the black of night turned to the gray hue of morning , he bowed to each of us ( turned fully toward me , so that I could receive his wink ) , promised he would return , and then left , walking out the door like any regular fellow . So convincing was he that my mother and I opened the door to see where he had gone , scanning the rock and the inky sea before we accepted that , as odd as it seemed , as vigorous his demeanor , he was a ghost most certainly . " Or something of that nature , " said my mother . " Strange that he didn 't melt like the others . " She squinted at me and I turned away from her before she could see my blush . " We shouldn 't have let him keep us up all night , " she said . " We aren 't dead . We need our sleep . " Sleep ? Sleep ? I could not sleep , feeling as I did his cool lips on mine , the power of his kiss , as though he breathed out of me some dark aspect that had weighed inside me . I told my mother that she could sleep . I would take care of everything . She protested , but using the past as reassurance ( she had long since discovered that I had run the place while she convalesced after my father 's death ) , finally agreed . I was happy to have her tucked safely in bed . I was happy to know that her curious eyes were closed . I did all the tasks necessary to keep the place in good order . Not even then , in all my girlish giddiness , did I forget the lamp . I am embarrassed to admit , however , it was well past four o ' clock before I remembered my father 's puddle , which by that time had been much dissipated . I wiped up the small amount of water and wrung him out over the sea , saying only as prayer , " Father , forgive me . Oh , bring him back to me . " ( Meaning , alas for me , a foolish girl , the boy who kissed me and not my own dear father . ) My mother began to busy herself in the kitchen , leaving the two of us alone . I could hear her in there , moving things about , opening cupboards , sweeping the already swept floor . It was my own carelessness that had caused my father 's absence , I was sure of that ; had I sponged him up sooner , had I prayed for him more sincerely , and not just for the satisfaction of my own desire , he would be here this night . I felt terrible about this , but then I looked into his eyes , those beautiful sea - colored eyes , and I could not help it , my body thrilled at his look . Is this love ? I thought . Will he kiss me twice ? When it seemed as if , without even wasting time with words , he was about to do so , leaning toward me with parted lips from which exhaled the scent of salt water , my mother stepped into the room , clearing her throat , holding the broom before her , as if thinking she might use it as a weapon . TO BEGIN WITH , my name is Ezekiel . My mother was fond of saints and the Bible and such . She died shortly after giving birth to me , her first and only child . I was raised by my father , on the island of Murano . Perhaps you have heard of it ? Murano glass ? We are famous for it throughout the world . My father , himself , was a talented glassmaker . Anything imagined , he could shape into glass . Glass birds , tiny glass bees , glass seashells , even glass tears ( an art he perfected while I was an infant ) , and what my father knew , he taught to me . Naturally , I eventually surpassed him in skill . Forgive me , but there is no humble way to say it . At any rate , my father had taught me and encouraged my talent all my life . I did not see when his enthusiasm began to sour . I was excited and pleased at what I could produce . I thought he would feel the same for me as I had felt for him , when , as a child , I sat on the footstool in his studio and applauded each glass wing , each hard teardrop . Alas , it was not to be . My father grew jealous of me . My own father ! At night he snuck into our studio and broke my birds , my little glass cakes . In the morning he pretended dismay and instructed me further on keeping air bubbles out of my work . He did not guess that I knew the dismal truth . I determined to leave him , to sail away to some other place to make my home . My father begged me to stay , " Whatever will you do ? How will you make your way in this world ? " I told him my true intention , not being clever enough to lie . " This is not the only place in the world with fire and sand , " I said . " I intend to make glass . " He promised me it would be a death sentence . At the time I took this to be only his confused , fatherly concern . I did not perceive it as a threat . It is true that the secret to glassmaking was meant to remain on Murano . It is true that the entire populace believed this trade , and only this trade , kept them fed and clothed . Finally , it is true that they passed the law ( many years before my father confronted me with it ) that anyone who dared attempt to take the secret of glassmaking off the island would suffer the penalty of death . All of this is true . We had , in our possession , only a small boat , used for trips that never veered far from shore . Gathering mussels , visiting neighbors , occasionally my father liked to sit in it and smoke a pipe while watching the sun set . He 'd light a lantern and come home , smelling of the sea , boil us a pot of soup , a melancholic , completely innocent air about him , only later to sneak about his breaking work . This small boat is what I took for my voyage across the sea . I also took some fishing supplies , a rope , dried cod he 'd stored for winter , a blanket , and several jugs of red wine , given to us by the baker , whose daughter , I do believe , fancied me . For you , who have lived so long on this anchored rock , my folly must be apparent . Was it folly ? It was . But what else was I to do ? Day after day make my perfect art only to have my father , night after night , destroy it ? He would destroy me ! I left in the dark , when the ocean is like ink and the sky is black glass with thousands of air bubbles . Air bubbles , indeed . I breathed my freedom in the salty sea air . I chose stars to follow . Foolishly , I had no clear sense of my passage and had only planned my escape . Of course , knowing what I do now about the ocean , it is a wonder I survived the first night , much less seven . It was on the eighth morning that I saw the distant sail , and , hopelessly drunk and sunburned , as well as lost , began the desperate task of rowing toward it , another folly as I 'm sure you 'd agree , understanding how distant the horizon is . Luckily for me , or so I thought , the ship headed in my direction and after a few more days it was close enough that I began to believe in my life again . Alas , this ship was owned by a rich friend of my father 's , a woman who had commissioned him to create a glass castle with a glass garden and glass fountain , tiny glass swans , a glass king and queen , a baby glass princess , and glass trees with golden glass apples , all for the amusement of her granddaughter ( who , it must be said , had fingers like sausages and broke half of the figurines before her next birthday ) . This silly woman was only too happy to let my father use her ship , she was only too pleased to pay the ship 's crew , all with the air of helping my father , when , in truth , it simply amused her to be involved in such drama . She said she did it for Murano , but in truth , she did it for the story . You ladies look quite aghast . I cannot blame you . Perhaps I should have chosen my own death instead , but I was a young man , and I wanted to live . Even after everything I had gone through , I wanted life . Alas , it was not to be . I knew there would be trouble and accusation if my father were found with his throat slit , but none at all if he just disappeared in the night , as so often happens on large ships . Many a traveler has simply fallen overboard , never to be heard from again , and my father had already displayed a lack of seafaring savvy to rival my own . Remember , I was already quite weakened by my days adrift , and the matter of taking care of this business with my father had only fatigued me further . Certain that I was finally at the end of my task , I grew careless . He was much heavier than he had ever appeared to be . It took all my strength to hoist the rucksack , and ( to get the sad , pitiable truth over with as quickly as possible ) when I heaved that rucksack , the cord became entangled on my wrist , and yes , dear ladies , I went over with it , to the bottom of the world . There I remained until your own dear father , your husband , found me and brought me to this place , where , for the first time in my life , I feel safe , and , though I am dead , blessed . LATER , AFTER my mother had tended the lamp while Ezekiel and I shared the kisses that left me breathless , she asked him to leave , saying that I needed my sleep . I protested , of course , but she insisted . I walked my ghost to the door , just as I think any girl would do in a similar situation , and there , for the first time , he kissed me in full view of my mother , not so passionate as those kisses that had preceded it , but effective nonetheless . " Why ? " I asked , my body trembling with the impact of his affection and my mother 's scorn , as though the two emotions met in me and quaked there . " What don 't you like about him ? " My mother shook her head . " Agatha , it isn 't the same thing . Think about what this boy told you tonight . He murdered his own father . " " But Agatha , it isn 't what 's said that is always the most telling . Don 't you know that ? Have I really raised you to be so gullible ? " Certainly no three words , spoken by a parent , can do more to solidify love than these . It was no use arguing . What would be the point ? She , this woman who had loved no one but a puddle for so long , could never understand what was going through my heart . Without more argument , I went to bed , though I slept fitfully , feeling torn from my life in every way , while my mother stayed up reading , I later surmised , from her book of myths . In the morning I found her sitting at the kitchen table , the great volume before her . She looked up at me with dark circled eyes , then , without salutation , began reading , her voice , ominous . " There are many kinds of ghosts . There are the ghosts that move things , slam doors and drawers , throw silverware about the house . There are the ghosts ( usually of small children ) that play in dark corners with spools of thread and frighten family pets . There are the weeping and wailing ghosts . There are the ghosts who know that they are dead , and those who do not . There are tree ghosts , those who spend their afterlife in a particular tree ( a clue for such a resident might be bite marks on fallen fruit ) . There are ghosts trapped forever at the hour of their death ( I saw one like this once , in an old movie theater bathroom , hanging from the ceiling ) . There are melting ghosts ( we know about these , don 't we ? ) , usually victims of drowning . And there are breath - stealing ghosts . These , sometimes mistaken for the grosser vampire , sustain a sort of half - life by stealing breath from the living . They can be any age , but are usually teenagers and young adults , often at that selfish stage when they died . These ghosts greedily go about sucking the breath out of the living . This can be done by swallowing the lingered breath from unwashed cups , or , most effectively of all , through a kiss . Though these ghosts can often be quite seductively charming , they are some of the most dangerous . Each life has only a certain amount of breath within it and these ghosts are said to steal an infinite amount with each swallow . The effect is such that the ghost , while it never lives again , begins to do a fairly good imitation of life , while its victims ( those whose breath it steals ) edge ever closer to their own death . " " No , you 're wrong , " she said , " he 's taken so much of your breath that he 's not entirely spectral . He can 't move through walls any longer . He needs you , but he doesn 't care about you at all , don 't you get that , Agatha ? " " I know this is hard , " my mother said , " but it must be done . Listen , his voice is already growing faint . We just have to get through this night . " I spun on my heels and went into my small room , slammed the door behind me . My mother , a smart woman , was not used to thinking like a warden . She had forgotten about my window . By the time I hoisted myself down from it , Ezekiel was standing on the rocky shore , surveying the dark ocean before him . He had already lost some of his life - like luster , particularly below his knees where I could almost see through him . " Ezekiel , " I said . He turned and I gasped at the change in his visage , the cavernous look of his eyes , the skeletal stretch at his jaw . Seeing my shocked expression , he nodded and spread his arms open , as if to say , yes , this is what has become of me . I ran into those open arms and embraced him , though he creaked like something made of old wood . He bent down , pressing his cold lips against mine until they were no longer cold but burning like a fire . We spent that night together and I did not mind the shattering wind with its salt bite on my skin , and I did not care when the lamp went out and the sea roiled beneath a black sky , and I did not worry about the dead weeping on the rocky shore , or the lightness I felt as though I were floating beside my lover , and when morning came , revealing the dead all around us , I followed him into the water , I followed him to the bottom of the sea , where he turned to me and said , " What have you done ? Are you stupid ? Don 't you realize ? You 're no good to me dead ! " So , sadly , like many a daughter , I learned that my mother had been right after all , and when I returned to her , dripping with saltwater and seaweed , tiny fish corpses dropping from my hair , she embraced me . Seeing my state , weeping , she kissed me on the lips , our mouths open . I drank from her , sweet breath , until I was filled and she collapsed to the floor , my mother in her black dress , like a crushed funeral flower . I had no time for mourning . The lamp had been out for hours . Ships had crashed and men had died . Outside the sun sparkled on the sea . People would be coming soon to find out what had happened . I had a difficult time of it for a while . People are generally suspicious of someone with no past and little future . I lived on the street and had to beg for jobs cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors , only through time and reputation working up to my current situation , finally getting my own little apartment , small and dark , so different from when I was the lighthouse keeper 's daughter and the ocean was my yard . One day , after having passed it for months without a thought , I went into the art supply store , and bought a canvas , paint , and two paintbrushes . I paid for it with my tip money , counting it out for the clerk whose expression suggested I was placing turds in her palm instead of pennies . I went home and hammered a nail into the wall , hung the canvas on it , and began to paint . Like many a creative person I seem to have found some solace for the unfortunate happenings of my young life ( and death ) in art . I live simply and virginally , never taking breath through a kiss . This is the vow I made , and I have kept it . Yes , some days I am weakened , and tempted to restore my vigor with such an easy solution , but instead I hold the empty cups to my face , I breathe in , I breathe everything , the breath of old men , breath of young , sweet breath , sour breath , breath of lipstick , breath of smoke . It is not , really , a way to live , but this is not , really , a life . Several baristas stood behind the counter busily jostling around each other with porcelain cups , teapots , bags of beans . One of them , a short girl with red and green hair that spiked around her like some otherworld halo , stood by the sink , stacking dirty plates and cups . When she saw him watching , she smiled . It wasn 't a true smile , not that it was mocking , but rather , the girl with the Christmas hair smiled like someone who had either forgotten happiness entirely , or never known it at all . In response , Alex nodded at her , and to his surprise , she came over , carrying a dirty rag and a spray bottle . The girl stood there , grinning that sad grin , right next to him now with her noxious bottle and dirty rag , one hip jutted out in a way he found oddly sexual . He opened his mouth to speak , gestured toward the paintings , and then at the book before him . " I , I have to meet her , " he said , tapping the book , " this is remarkable . " Alex felt like his head was spinning . He shook the girl 's hand . It was unexpectedly tiny , like that of a child 's , and he gripped it too tightly at first . Glancing at the counter , she pulled out a chair and sat down in front of him . She nodded , bowed her head slightly , shrugged , and suddenly earnest , leaned across the table , elbowing his empty cup as she did . " Nobody bothers to read it . I 've seen a few people pick it up but you 're the first one to read the whole thing . " " See , I was trying to do something different . This is the whole point , " she jabbed at the book , and he felt immediately protective of it , " I was trying to put a story in a place where people don 't usually expect one . Don 't you think we 've gotten awful complacent in our society about story ? Like it all the time has to go a certain way and even be only in certain places . That 's what this is all about . The paintings are a foil . But you get that , don 't you ? Do you know , " she leaned so close to him , he could smell her breath , which he thought was strangely sweet , " someone actually offered to buy the fly painting ? " Her mouth dropped open , she shook her head and rolled those lovely lavender eyes . " I mean , what the fuck ? Doesn 't he know it sucks ? " Alex wasn 't sure what to do . She seemed to be leaning near to his cup . Leaning over it , Alex realized . He opened his mouth , not having any idea what to say . Just then another barista , the one who wore scarves all the time and had an imperious air about her , as though she didn 't really belong there but was doing research or something , walked past . Agatha glanced at her . " I gotta go . " She stood up . " You finished with this ? " she asked , touching his cup . Alex watched her walk to the tiny sink at the end of the counter . She set the cups and saucers down . She rinsed the saucers and placed them in the gray bucket they used for carrying dirty dishes to the back . She reached for a cup , and then looked at him . He quickly looked down at the black binder , picked it up , pushed his chair in , and headed toward the front of the shop . He stopped to look at the paintings . They were fine , boring , but fine little paintings that had no connection to what he 'd read . He didn 't linger over them for long . He was almost to the door when she was beside him , saying , " I 'll take that . " He couldn 't even fake innocence . He shrugged and handed her the binder . " I 'm flattered , really , " she said . But she didn 't try to continue the conversation . She set the book down on the table beneath the painting of the avocado . He watched her pick up an empty cup and bring it toward her face , breathing in the lingered breath that remained . She looked up suddenly , caught him watching , frowned , and turned away . Alex understood . She wasn 't what he 'd been expecting either . But when love arrives it doesn 't always appear as expected . He couldn 't just ignore it . He couldn 't pretend it hadn 't happened . He walked out of the coffee shop into the afternoon sunshine . She turned , frowned , and continued walking . He had to take little running steps to catch up . " Hi , " he said . He saw that she was biting her lower lip . " You just getting off work ? " Alex shifted beneath her lavender gaze . He licked his lips . She wasn 't even looking at him , but glancing around him and across the street . " I don 't care if it does mean I 'll die sooner , " he said . " I want to give you a kiss . " As Alex walked back to his car , parked in front of the coffee shop , he tried to talk himself into not feeling so bad about the way things went . He hadn 't always been like this . He used to be able to talk to people . Even women . Okay , he had never been suave , he knew that , but he 'd been a regular guy . Certainly no one had ever run away from him before . But after Tessie died , people changed . Of course , this made sense , initially . He was in mourning , even if he didn 't cry ( something the doctor told him not to worry about because one day , probably when he least expected it , the tears would fall ) . He was obviously in pain . People were very nice . They talked to him in hushed tones . Touched him , gently . Even men tapped him with their fingertips . All this gentle touching had been augmented by vigorous hugs . People either touched him as if he would break , or hugged him as if he had already broken and only the vigor of the embrace kept him intact . For the longest time there had been all this activity around him . People called , sent chatty e - mails , even handwritten letters , cards with flowers on them and prayers . People brought over casseroles , and bread , Jell - O with fruit in it . ( Nobody brought chocolate chip cookies , which he might have actually eaten . ) To Alex 's surprise , once Tessie had died , it felt as though a great weight had been lifted from him , but instead of appreciating the feeling , the freedom of being lightened of the burden of his wife 's dying body , he felt in danger of floating away or disappearing . Could it be possible , he wondered , that Tessie 's body , even when she was mostly bones and barely breath , was all that kept him real ? Was it possible that he would have to live like this , held to life by some strange force but never a part of it again ? You just don 't go read something somebody wrote and decide you love her , he scolded himself as he eased into traffic . You don 't just go falling in love with breath - stealing ghosts . People don 't do that . Alex did not go to the coffee shop the next day , or the day after that , but it was the only coffee shop in town , and had the best coffee in the state . They roasted the beans right there . Freshness like that can 't be faked . He walked to the park , where he sat on a bench and watched a woman with two small boys feed white bread to the ducks . This was illegal because the ducks would eat all the bread offered to them , they had no sense of appetite , or being full , and they would eat until their stomachs exploded . Or something like that . Alex couldn 't exactly remember . He was pretty sure it killed them . But Alex couldn 't decide what to do . Should he go tell that lady and those two little boys that they were killing the ducks ? How would that make them feel , especially as they were now triumphantly shaking out the empty bag , the ducks crowded around them , one of the boys squealing with delight ? Maybe he should just tell her , quietly . But she looked so happy . Maybe she 'd been having a hard time of it . He saw those mothers on Oprah , saying what a hard job it was , and maybe she 'd had that kind of morning , even screaming at the kids , and then she got this idea , to take them to the park and feed the ducks and now she felt good about what she 'd done and maybe she was thinking that she wasn 't such a bad mom after all , and if Alex told her she was killing the ducks , would it stop the ducks from dying or just stop her from feeling happiness ? Alex sighed . He couldn 't decide what to do . The ducks were happy , the lady was happy , and one of the boys was happy . The other one looked sort of terrified . She picked him up and they walked away together , she , carrying the boy who waved the empty bag like a balloon , the other one skipping after them , a few ducks hobbling behind . For three days Alex ordered his coffee to go and drank it in the park . On the fourth day , Agatha wasn 't anywhere that he could see and he surmised that it was her day off so he sat at his favorite table in the back . But on the fifth day , even though he didn 't see her again , and it made sense that she 'd have two days off in a row , he ordered his coffee to go and took it to the park . He 'd grown to like sitting on the bench watching strolling park visitors , the running children , the dangerously fat ducks . He had no idea she would be there and he felt himself blush when he saw her coming down the path that passed right in front of him . He stared deeply into his cup and fought the compulsion to run . He couldn 't help it , though . Just as the toes of her red and green sneakers came into view he looked up . I 'm not going to hurt you , he thought , and then , he smiled , that false smile he 'd been practicing on her and , incredibly , she smiled back ! Also , falsely , he assumed , but he couldn 't blame her for that . She looked down the path and he followed her gaze , seeing that , though the path around the duck pond was lined with benches every fifty feet or so , all of them were taken . She sighed . " Mind if I sit here ? " He scooted over and she sat down , slowly . He glanced at her profile . She looked worn out , he decided . Her lavender eye flickered toward him , and he looked into his cup again . It made sense that she would be tired , he thought , if she 'd been off work for two days , she 'd also been going that long without stealing breath from cups . " Want some ? " he said , offering his . He handed it to her and politely watched the ducks so she could have some semblance of privacy with it . After a while she said thanks and handed it back to him . He nodded and stole a look at her profile again . It pleased him that her color already looked better . His breath had done that ! " No , you 're , well " she smiled , glanced at him , shrugged . It isn 't that . like weird people . 'm weird . ut , I mean , I 'm not dead , okay ? ou kind of freaked me out with that . " So he told her . How he 'd been coming to the park lately , watching people overfeed the ducks , wondering if he should tell them what they were doing but they all looked so happy doing it , and the ducks looked happy too , and he wasn 't sure anyway , what if he was wrong , what if he told everyone to stop feeding bread to the ducks and it turned out it did them no harm and how would he know ? Would they explode like balloons , or would it be more like how it had been when his wife died , a slow painful death , eating her away inside , and how he used to come here , when he was a monk , well , not really a monk , he 'd never gotten ordained or anything , but he 'd been trying the idea on for a while and how he used to sing and spin in circles and how it felt a lot like what he 'd remembered of happiness but he could never be sure because a remembered emotion is like a remembered taste , it 's never really there . And then , one day , a real monk came and watched him spinning in circles and singing nonsense , and he just stood and watched Alex , which made him self - conscious because he didn 't really know what he was doing , and the monk started laughing , which made Alex stop and the monk said , " Why 'd you stop ? " And Alex said , " I don 't know what I 'm doing . " And the monk nodded , as if this was a very wise thing to say and this , just this monk with his round bald head and wire - rimmed spectacles , in his simple orange robe ( not at all like the orange - dyed sheet Alex was wearing ) nodding when Alex said , " I don 't know what I 'm doing , " made Alex cry and he and the monk sat down under that tree , and the monk ( whose name was Ron ) told him about Kali , the goddess who is both womb and grave . Alex felt like it was the first thing anyone had said to him that made sense since Tessie died and after that he stopped coming to the park , until just recently , and let his hair grow out again and stopped wearing his robe . Before she 'd died , he 'd been one of the lucky ones , or so he 'd thought , because he made a small fortuneShe bit her lower lip , glanced longingly at his cup . She took it and lifted it toward her face , breathing in , he was sure of it , and only after she was finished , drinking the coffee . They sat like that in silence for a while and then they just started talking about everything , just as Alex had hoped they would . She told him how she had grown up living near the ocean , and her father had died young , and then her mother had too , and she had a boyfriend , her first love , who broke her heart , but the story she wrote was just a story , a story about her life , her dream life , the way she felt inside , like he did , as though somehow life was a dream . Even though everyone thought she was a painter ( because he was the only one who read it , he was the only one who got it ) , she was a writer , not a painter , and stories seemed more real to her than life . At a certain point he offered to take the empty cup and throw it in the trash but she said she liked to peel off the wax , and then began doing so . Alex politely ignored the divergent ways she found to continue drinking his breath . He didn 't want to embarrass her . She declined , which was a disappointment to Alex but he determined not to let it ruin his good mood . He was willing to leave it at that , to accept what had happened between them that afternoon as a moment of grace to be treasured and expect nothing more from it , when she said , " What are you doing next Tuesday ? " They made a date , well , not a date , Alex reminded himself , an arrangement , to meet the following Tuesday in the park , which they did , and there followed many wonderful Tuesdays . They did not kiss . They were friends . Of course Alex still loved her . He loved her more . But he didn 't bother her with all that and it was in the spirit of friendship that he suggested ( after weeks of Tuesdays in the park ) that the following Tuesday she come for dinner , " nothing fancy , " he promised when he saw the slight hesitation on her face . Naturally , things were awkward when she arrived . He offered to take her sweater , a lumpy looking thing in wild shades of orange , lime green , and purple . He should have just let her throw it across the couch , that would have been the casual non - datelike thing to do , but she handed it to him and then , wiping her hand through her hair , which , by candlelight looked like bloody grass , cased his place with those lavender eyes , deeply shadowed as though she hadn 't slept for weeks . He could see she was freaked out by the candles . He hadn 't gone crazy or anything . They were just a couple of small candles , not even purchased from the store in the mall , but bought at the grocery store , unscented . " I like candles , " he said , sounding defensive even to his own ears . She smirked , as if she didn 't believe him , and then spun away on the toes of her red sneaker and her green one , and plopped down on the couch . She looked absolutely exhausted . This was not a complete surprise to Alex . It had been a part of his plan , actually , but he felt bad for her just the same . He kept dinner simple , lasagna , a green salad , chocolate cake for dessert . They didn 't eat in the dining room . That would have been too formal . Instead they ate in the living room , she sitting on the couch , and he on the floor , their plates on the coffee table , watching a DVD of I Love Lucy episodes , a mutual like they had discovered . ( Though her description of watching I Love Lucy reruns as a child did not gel with his picture of her in the crooked keeper 's house , offering tea to melting ghosts , he didn 't linger over the inconsistency . ) Alex offered her plenty to drink but he wouldn 't let her come into the kitchen , or get anywhere near his cup . He felt bad about this , horrible , in fact , but he tried to stay focused on the bigger picture . Alex watched her . He didn 't think about anything , he just watched her . Then he got up very quietly so as not to disturb her and went into the kitchen where he , carefully , quietly opened the drawer in which he had stored the supplies . Coming up from behind , eyeing her red and green hair , he moved quickly . She turned toward him , cursing loudly , her eyes wide and frightened , as he pressed her head to her knees , pulled her arms behind her back ( to the accompaniment of a sickening crack , and her scream ) pressed the wrists together and wrapped them with the rope . She struggled in spite of her weakened state , her legs flailing , kicking the coffee table . The plate with the chocolate cake flew off it and landed on the beige rug and her screams escalated into a horrible noise , unlike anything Alex had ever heard before . Luckily , Alex was prepared with the duct tape , which he slapped across her mouth . By that time he was rather exhausted himself . But she stood up and began to run , awkwardly , across the room . It broke his heart to see her this way . He grabbed her from behind . She kicked and squirmed but she was quite a small person and it was easy for him to get her legs tied . " I can take that off , " he said , pointing at the duct tape . " But you have to promise me you won 't scream . If you scream , I 'll just put it on , and I won 't take it off again . Though , you should know , ever since Tessie died I have these vivid dreams and nightmares , and I wake up screaming a lot . None of my neighbors has ever done anything about it . Nobody 's called the police to report it , and nobody has even asked me if there 's a problem . That 's how it is amongst the living . Okay ? " He picked at the edge of the tape with his fingertips and when he got a good hold of it , he pulled fast . It made a loud ripping sound . She grunted and gasped , tears falling down her cheeks as she licked her lips . He sighed . " I know it 's true , okay ? I see the way you are , how tired you get and I know why . I know that you 're a breath - stealer . I want you to understand that I know that about you , and I love you and you don 't have to keep pretending with me , okay ? " She looked around the room , as if trying to find something to focus on . " Listen , Alex , " she said , " Listen to me . I get tired all the time ' cause I 'm sick . I didn 't want to tell you , after what you told me about your wife . I thought it would be too upsetting for you . That 's it . That 's why I get tired all the time . " " I know you 're afraid . Love can be frightening . Do you think I 'm not scared ? Of course I 'm scared . Look what happened with Tessie . I know you 're scared too . You 're worried I 'll turn out to be like Ezekiel , but I 'm not like him , okay ? I 'm not going to hurt you . And I even finally figured out that you 're scared ' cause of what happened with your mom . Of course you are . But you have to understand . That 's a risk I 'm willing to take . Maybe we 'll have one night together or only one hour , or a minute . I don 't know . I have good genes though . My parents , both of them , are still alive , okay ? Even my grandmother only died a few years ago . There 's a good chance I have a lot , and I mean a lot , of breath in me . But if I don 't , don 't you see , I 'd rather spend a short time with you , than no time at all ? " He decided on Annie Hall . " Do you like Woody Allen ? " She just stared at him , her eyes filled with accusation . " It 's a love story , " he said , turning away from her to insert the DVD . He turned it on for her , then placed the remote control in her lap , which he realized was a stupid thing to do , since her hands were still tied behind her back , and he was fairly certain that , had her mouth not been taped shut , she 'd be giving him that slack - jawed look of hers . She wasn 't making any of this very easy . He picked the dish up off the floor , and the silverware , bringing them into the kitchen , where he washed them and the pots and pans , put aluminum foil on the leftover lasagna and put it into the refrigerator . After he finished sweeping the floor , he sat and watched the movie with her . He forgot about the sad ending . He always thought of it as a romantic comedy , never remembering the sad end . He turned off the TV and said , " I think it 's late enough now . I think we 'll be all right . " She looked at him quizzically . First Alex went out to his car and popped the trunk , then he went back inside where he found poor Agatha squirming across the floor . Trying to escape , apparently . He walked past her , got the throw blanket from the couch and laid it on the floor beside her , rolled her into it even as she squirmed and bucked . " Agatha , just try to relax , " he said , but she didn 't . Stubborn , stubborn , she could be so stubborn . He threw her over his shoulder . He was not accustomed to carrying much weight and immediately felt the stress , all the way down his back to his knees . He shut the apartment door behind him and didn 't worry about locking it . He lived in a safe neighborhood . It took about twenty minutes to get to the beach ; it was late , and there was little traffic . Still , the ride gave him an opportunity to reflect on what he was doing . By the time he pulled up next to the pier , he had reassured himself that it was the right thing to do , even though it looked like the wrong thing . He looked over his shoulder , just to be sure . If someone were to discover him like this , his actions would be misinterpreted . The coast was clear , however . He wanted to carry Agatha in his arms , like a bride . Every time he had pictured it , he had seen it that way , but she was struggling again so he had to throw her over his shoulder where she continued to struggle . Well , she was stubborn , but he was too , that was part of the beauty of it , really . But it made it difficult to walk , and it was windier on the pier , also wet . All in all it was a precarious , unpleasant journey to the end . He had prepared a little speech but she struggled against him so hard , like a hooked fish , that all he could manage to say was , " I love you , " barely focusing on the wild expression in her face , the wild eyes , before he threw her in and she sank , and then bobbed up like a cork , only her head above the black waves , those eyes of hers , locked on his , and they remained that way , as he turned away from the edge of the pier and walked down the long plank , feeling lighter , but not in a good way . He felt those eyes , watching him , in the car as he flipped restlessly from station to station , those eyes , watching him , when he returned home , and saw the clutter of their night together , the burned - down candles , the covers to the I Love Lucy and Annie Hall DVDs on the floor , her crazy sweater on the dining room table , those eyes , watching him , and suddenly Alex was cold , so cold his teeth were chattering and he was shivering but sweating besides . The black water rolled over those eyes and closed them and he ran to the bathroom and only just made it in time , throwing up everything he 'd eaten , collapsing to the floor , weeping , What have I done ? What was I thinking ? But then he was lying there , with his eyes closed , somewhere between sleep and waking , and he realized he 'd been like this for some time . Though he was fairly certain he had fallen asleep , something had woken him . In this half state , he 'd been listening to the sound he finally recognized as dripping water . He hated it when he didn 't turn the faucet tight . He tried to ignore it , but the dripping persisted . So confused was he that he even thought he felt a splash on his hand and another on his forehead . He opened one eye , then the other . She stood there , dripping wet , her hair plastered darkly around her face , her eyes smudged black . " I found a sharp rock at the bottom of the world , " she said and she raised her arms . He thought she was going to strike him , but instead she showed him the cut rope dangling there . He nodded . She peeled off the wet T - shirt and let it drop to the floor , revealing her small breasts white as the moon , unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans , wiggling seductively out of the tight wet fabric , taking her panties off at the same time . He saw when she lifted her feet that the rope was no longer around them and she was already transparent below the knees . When she pulled back the covers he smelled the odd odor of saltwater and mud , as if she were both fresh and loamy . He scooted over , but only far enough that when she eased in beside him , he could hold her , wrap her wet cold skin in his arms , knowing that he was offering her everything , everything he had to give , and that she had come to take it . All comments must meet the community standards outlined in Tor . com 's Moderation Policy or be subject to moderation . Thank you for keeping the discussion , and our community , civil and respectful . Name Email Comment

I would like to dedicate this book to my wonderful children , without whose support I couldn 't have done this . They are the light of my life . I would also like to dedicate it to my forever love , Ron . He gave me the space and love I needed to complete this project . He is always there for me . He is my rock . After walking down to the water 's edge , Willa cupped her hand in the fast flowing water to get a drink . Since she was at the headwaters of the Sacramento River , she felt it was safe enough to drink without her filtering water bottle . She stood up and looked around her . This was a truly pristine area she had chosen for a backpacking trip . It was early spring , and there was a light sprinkling of snow on the ground , but the weather forecast called for warm temperatures , possibly even hitting the 60s the next day . The trees around her already had tiny buds on them , ready to shoot out new growth . The grassy field she had just passed had hundreds of tiny wildflowers in bloom . Willa looked up at the mountains around her . They were capped in white , and there was a soft lenticular cloud off to the side of the top of Mt . Shasta . It was beginning to get a pinkish glow to it as the sun went down . It was getting late . Time to set up camp . She turned towards the meadow and walked over to a copse of evergreen trees , stunted because of the high altitude . This , she thought , would make a nice place to put her small tent . After slinging her heavy backpack to the ground , Willa began the routine setup of her camp . She started by collecting twigs and fallen wood for a fire . There were some rocks to make a circle around it . As she built the fire , tears stung her eyes as she thought of her son , Nick , who had lost his life two years before as he rode his bike into the path of a drunk driver . She let the tears come this time . It was one of the reasons she liked to come all the way out here into the deep woods . Nobody to judge her here , or offer sympathy . She could just be alone with her pain . Willa heard a twig snap and turned her head in the direction of the sound . A mother deer and two large fawns had come down to the stream to drink . She wondered if they 'd noticed her . She sat down where she was and watched them . The smallest one lifted up its head as if testing the air . Its body quivered . The threesome moved on down the bank , away from where Willa sat , almost as if they sensed it wasn 't safe there . Maybe they smelled her human scent . Or maybe it was just their highly tuned defense system telling them that they needed to keep moving to stay alive . Whichever it was , it made Willa sadder because the deer could only see her kind as an enemy . She 'd have liked nothing more than to have gone right up to the deer and hold one around the neck . To let her tears fall on its soft fur until no more tears would come . How she missed her son . His crooked smile with teeth missing . His dark brown hair so soft like his dad 's . Willa let the feelings flow . She and Jake couldn 't stay together after what had happened . Something had broken between the two of them . They lasted almost a year after the tragedy of losing their only child . They stopped making love almost right away . It just didn 't feel right to enjoy each other anymore when they were in such pain . Jake started sleeping in the den and worked until he could barely stand up . Willa had more time on her hands with her part time job at a day care for elderly folks . Jake still worked at the ad agency in the city . Willa felt sorry for him because she knew he was trying to work off the pain rather than deal with it . They still spoke from time to time , but never for long . It was more a touching of bases than anything else , really . The love was gone from between them . Love was something stunted and half - dead to her now . It was from a different world ; a world before her precious son had been taken away . Willa realized something in that moment . She saw herself as a waxen statue , only existing until her time in this life came to an end . The tears were dry now . She felt as cold as the snow on the mountains inside . The moment was held for eternity in her heart and mind and soul . Sitting there for a while longer , Willa came to life once more as the cold infiltrated her clothes . She needed to set up the tent and tend to the fire if she wanted to survive the night . She thought that living another day was okay . She could do that much . So she collected her tent and the stakes , and set up . Then she rolled an old log up into the fire and fed it until it warmed her . After heating up some water for her instant food pack and a cup of coffee , she ate and drank , almost mechanically . Then she got into her sleeping bag and looked for the way to sleep , but couldn 't find it at first . It finally found her and she began to dream . The sound was deafening . Willa jumped up and out of her sleeping bag . Her heart was racing like a stallion 's . She had no idea what the sound was that woke her , except that it was something big . Could it have been a bear ? That made the most sense , but didn 't quiet her heart . In fact , if it were a bear , she was in trouble . Big trouble . She didn 't carry any weapons and felt completely defenseless . She waited a moment to see if she could hear anything else . Then there was a whoosh ! And a roaring sound . Fire ? It took every ounce of courage to get herself to move . But move she did . She threw on her boots and jacket . Standing up from her crouched position on the tent floor , she reached for the door zipper and slowly unzipped it . She pulled back the flap ever so slowly and peeked her head out into the darkness . To the south she saw a soft glow beyond some deer brush . Inching her body further out of the tent , she tentatively made her way over to the outcropping near to where she had set up camp where she could see better . Yes , it was a fire . But it was only in one spot . Then she heard a cry as if someone were in pain . Willa stumbled back to the tent to grab her flashlight . Investigating the scene seemed like a really bad idea , but how could she leave someone who might be in need of help ? By the time she came back to the spot outside , the glowing fire was almost gone . Willa flicked on her flashlight and headed for what was now just a low glare . Sticks and pine cones crunched under her feet . Other than that there was only silence surrounding her . Then she heard the cry again . Hurrying now , she pushed herself through some thicker brush that she guessed was Manzanita since it was so tightly grown together . Finally , Willa broke free and came into a clearing and saw a wondrous sight . It was a small pod that looked like some kind of airplane without wings that had seemingly crashed into the ground . Smoke arose from it , but parts of it were still on fire . She couldn 't take her eyes off of it . She was mesmerized . Then she heard a low groan to the left of the strange looking plane . Her eyes turned towards the sight of a young man , about her age , lying on the ground and in obvious pain . He was trying to sit up , but kept falling back down again . " It looks bad . Let me go get my first - aid kit from camp . I 'll be right back , " she assured him . She began to turn away to go , but he held her arm with his good one . Willa felt a strange sensation crawl up her arm . It felt like electricity . " Thanks , " he said . " I appreciate it very much . " And he let go of her . She stared into his eyes a moment longer , then took off . The excitement she felt inside her was giving her an incredible energy rush . Willa quickly made her way back to her tent and retrieved her high tech deep woods first - aid kit , which even contained sutures should the need arise . She threw the pack over her shoulder and returned to the crash site . The man was still lying on the ground , moaning . She sat on the ground to his left and asked him if he could pull up his sleeve so she could get a better look . He tried , but cried out . She went for the scissors in her kit and began to cut away the cloth . He grimaced . What she saw shocked her . She had expected red blood to be coming from the wound . Instead , it was the color of an orange . She sat back on her heels . " Look , " he said , " I 'm not from around here . I should tell you that Earth is not my home . I come from another planet . I promise , though , I would never hurt you . " Willa blinked at him . What was he talking about ? This person sitting next to her in agony was an alien ? It couldn 't be true . He reached out and touched her arm . She flinched . " My name is Paul . Or at least here it is . I 'll understand if you want to run the other way right now and not help me , but I 'm really in trouble here . " Willa started to come back into herself . She felt a deep sympathy for this person . It began to surpass her fears about the frightening situation she found herself in . She dug into her kit for burn dressings and came up with several that were marked . Cautiously cutting the rest of Paul 's sleeve off , she placed the pieces of saturated cloth over his burns . Although she was trembling , she did a neat job of it . Next she went to his leg and cut away the burned cloth . Some of it stuck to his skin , so she used the saline solution in the kit to moisten it and pried it off . Paul tried to stay quiet , but he almost passed out from the pain . His eyes closed . Willa was able to get past the color of Paul 's blood , and take care of his wounds . She had taken some first - aid classes in college for her job at the day care , so she knew what she was doing . When she was finished she put everything away and stowed the garbage in a bag . Her hands stopped their shaking , and she washed them off with sanitizer . What was she supposed to do next ? Willa reached for his right arm to help him up . He cried out . This wasn 't going to be easy . She thought of running away from the scene and never looking back . What was she supposed to do in this strange situation ? Willa could feel the strength of his muscles as she helped pull him to his feet . His left leg was obviously in a lot of pain . He probably needed antibiotics for burns like these , she thought . Unfortunately , none came with her kit . Paul put his arm around her shoulder and dragged his left leg as they slowly managed to get through the tangled undergrowth and back to her camp . It took a while , but they finally made it . Willa helped him get into her sleeping bag , and the shivering lessened . " You are a very kind person , " Paul said as he looked up into her eyes . She looked away . His stare was intense . He had deep blue eyes that seemed to know her . Not knowing where to start , Willa couldn 't think of what to say . What do you say to an alien being who just crashed to Earth ? Speechless , she just stared at the ground near her feet . " I come from a planet a lot like this one . It 's called Panterra in your language . It has plants and animals and water , too . We 're very low on carbon , though , so we come here to extract it . " Willa thought this over . It seemed reasonable . So he wasn 't here to do experiments on humans or anything like that . Good . That was a relief . Of course he could be lying . But his eyes seemed so truthful . She wanted to believe him . She needed to believe him . " Are you sure ? I 'm healing quickly you know . Ten times faster than you would . I don 't want you to feel you 're in any danger from me . " Paul held out his good hand and offered it to her . " Nice to meet you , Willa . Very nice indeed . " They shook hands , and Willa felt that electric feeling she had felt from before when she had touched his bare skin . It reminded her of when she was a kid when her cousin Rosie had dared her to put her tongue on the tip of a battery . The difference here was that she felt it through her whole body . It wasn 't an unpleasant feeling at all . In fact , it felt rather nice . " You just need to rest , " she said . " I 'll be right outside by the fire if you need me . " With that , she grabbed her extra blanket and went outside to tend to the fire . Then she curled up next to it and closed her eyes . Sleep wasn 't soon in coming , however . How could it when a real live space man was only a few feet away with who knew what intentions ? Her heart sped up with every new thought or possibility that entered her head . Her imagination began to run wild . Finally , she must have worn herself out because the next thing she knew , the sun was shining on her closed eyes . Willa looked at her watch . It was 7 : 30 . Her head was clouded with sleep . She thought she had had a dream last night , but she couldn 't quite get the memory of it to come into her mind . Then she remembered the crash . It startled her at first , and she felt afraid . She got up abruptly and went to the tent to see if it was true . There he was , sleeping peacefully . She could hardly believe it . So it wasn 't a dream . Her heart beat so fast she felt hot flashes flow through her chest . How could this be real ? Willa had always believed there must be other beings like humans on other planets . But that was just a theory . Now that she was faced with the fact that it was true , she couldn 't seem to digest it . Yet here he was ; a real - life alien being . As she stared down at him , he slowly opened his eyes , those way too deep blue eyes of his . He smiled up at her . Paul pulled back the sleeping bag and began to peel away the dressing on his arm . She knelt down beside him , quickly telling him not to do that . " You still need to keep that on , " she said . Willa couldn 't believe what she saw . What had probably been the worst third - degree burns she had ever seen were now a soft pinkish glow on his skin . Paul unzipped the sleeping bag all the way down and removed the dressings from his leg . It looked the same . It was still pinkish and had no hair where he 'd been burned , but it was healed . He got up from the ground and stood tall beside her . " Now let 's go assess the damage to my craft . " And he was off . Willa thought twice about following him before she finally left the tent . He seemed to know where he was going , which she thought a bit strange because of the condition he had been in the night before . His clothing looked ragged where the fire had gotten to it and she felt a string pull at her heart . They arrived at the scene of the crash . Paul looked it over , then began pulling away large pieces of a metal Willa didn 't think she 'd ever seen before . It was seamless for one thing . For another it had a dull sheen that didn 't reflect the now rising sun . It seemed as if it absorbed the light instead . Paul finished his inspection of the craft . " Well , I guess I won 't be going anywhere soon , " he said sadly . " My ship is destroyed . I 'm lucky I lived through the crash . " " I 'm not exactly sure . The communications are out . There is a place on the coast where I can meet up with a contact , but I don 't know how I 'll be able to get there without transportation . " Paul looked at Willa with those eyes of his . " You wouldn 't want to give me a ride , would you ? " " I don 't know about that , " she said . " I have a lot to do . " A lie . But what did he expect from her ? For her to skip out on her life and go on a road trip with him ? True , it was only a few hours to the coast , but still . Paul 's face brightened . And when he smiled , she felt that electricity go through her again . He was the most handsome man she had ever met . He was almost beautiful . She stared at him too long until he said , " What ? " She looked away , embarrassed . They went back to her campsite and Willa began packing up . She had wanted to stay in the wilderness for a few more days . She needed it . But now things had changed . Oh , how they had changed ! Paul helped her break down the tent and insisted on carrying it back down the long trail to her car . Willa carried her backpack . She shared her water bottle with Paul on the way down . " Oh yes . Many times . Usually with my father or mother . They 're going to be worried about me . The sooner I can get to the contact the better . " Why she said it she didn 't know . All she knew was that she wanted to spend more time with this strange visitor to Earth . She felt as if she had to learn everything about him . He was unique . Somehow he pulled her out of her depression about her son , Nick . She felt needed by someone for once . Of course the old people at the adult daycare had needed her , but somehow this was different ; more personal . She decided she would do this thing . Willa and Paul were on the road by noon . They drove down the narrow and curving mountain roads until they reached her house . It was right on the river and surrounded by forest . Willa lived on five - hundred pristine acres left to her by her beloved grandfather , James Goodman . And he had been a " good man " . He raised a large family doing carpentry work during the heydays of the many mills that had run practically non - stop during his life . Willa wondered what he would have thought if he 'd ever met someone from another planet . It seemed to come right out of one of the hundreds of stories he used to tell her and her cousins when they were growing up in these hills and mountains . They used to take big family camping trips up into the Marble Mountains way back when . Grampa always had a good one up his sleeve , it seemed . Come to think of it , there did seem to be the memory of a few UFO stories mixed in . The creatures he dreamed up didn 't seem to have much in common with Paul , though . Except for the color of his blood and his ability to heal quickly , he seemed just like anyone else . Grampa 's aliens were usually monstrous creatures that ate small children for a snack . They were here for no good reason but to terrify and control the world . Grampa told them the story of " The War of the Worlds " because he said when he was young they had thought it was really happening . They truly believed the Earth was under attack by evil space creatures . It was really only a fake radio show , but the announcer sounded very convincing as he relayed what was supposedly happening . People took their own lives the night of the broadcast . They caused huge traffic jams as they tried to flee the cities . Willa pondered this as she took the sharp curves back to her house . " It 's a long story , but the short version is that our son was killed by a drunk driver while he was on his bike . After that … things just were never the same between us . Jake left about six months ago . I think he 's just working himself to death now . I don 't really like talking about it if it 's okay with you . " " Oh . I forgot . They teach us all about Earth where I 'm from on Panterra , but I don 't remember anything about bikes . " He sat back looking quizzical . Willa looked down at her lap and smiled . " It 's a slow , short - legged creature that hates to be teased . But when you tease it , it turns all these beautiful colors , not unlike your peacocks here on Earth . You can 't imagine how incredible they look . " " Well , here we are , " said Willa . She tried to sound cheerful , but the truth was she felt uncomfortable letting this very strange stranger into her home . She lugged her backpack into the house while Paul grabbed the tent and a few other things . She struggled with her keys , dropped them twice , and was finally in the door . Paul followed quietly . He must have sensed her discomfort . He stood just inside the doorway with his arms full . " You can just put that stuff on the couch , " she told him . He obeyed immediately , apparently knowing what a couch was . It was difficult for Willa to realize that he knew so much more about her world than she did about his . She wondered what his native language sounded like . He had a slight accent of some sort . He did as she asked and looked thoughtful for a moment before asking , " What do you mean ' before the day is up ? ' Isn 't the day up already ? It certainly isn 't night yet . I 'm sorry , I don 't understand . " " No . It 's quite all right . I 'm still getting used to the way people talk here on Earth . The only way I can learn is by asking questions . " Opening Jake 's closet for the first time since he 'd left sent a cold shiver down her spine . She hadn 't expected to feel this way . He had not left much , but she found herself wondering why he 'd left anything at all . There were a few pair of undershorts , some T - shirts , a couple of very nice shirts and pants , and an old pair of blue jeans . She got a set of clothing for her extra - terrestrial guest , including the blue jeans , and stuffed the rest into the backpack . When she went back into the living room she found Paul looking at her paintings all over the walls . " That 's okay . I 'm sorry I yelled at you . It 's just that … I don 't know . I guess we are pretty uptight about things like that . " She smiled sheepishly at him . He smiled back at her with those beautiful eyes . She returned to the bedroom where she packed a few simple things . The backpack wasn 't even half full now . Making sure she grabbed an extra toothbrush for Paul , she swung the pack over her shoulder and returned to the living room . She had changed into a tank top and shorts . Her hair fell softly around her face . Paul stared at her until she broke the hold his eyes had on her . " It 's the blood I need , actually , " he said . " I don 't mean to frighten you , but that 's what I am . You might call me a vampire . " " I told you I would never hurt you , and I won 't . I never feed on humans . It 's against my religion . I 'm a rackonist . This means I 've taken some extremely solemn vows never to hunt human life forms . Do you think I 'm evil Willa ? " Willa ran for the door . She couldn 't help herself . Her fight or flight response was in full gear now . In an instant he was at her side , holding her arms so she couldn 't get free . His strength was immense . He whispered in her ear , " Please understand , Willa . Don 't be afraid . No harm will come to you . Now I 'm going to let your arms free . But you have to promise not to run . I could get in a lot of trouble just for telling you about myself . " " I was born this way . This is what we are on my planet . I should tell you , though , that there are some who choose to come here to hunt humans . They are the undesirables from Panterra . They crave human blood . But I was brought up on animals ' blood . It 's all I 've ever known . But I must feed soon . I 'm feeling weak . " " Okay . I 'll wait for you here . But don 't be long . We 've got to get going if we 're going to get to the coast today . " Truthfully , Willa couldn 't wait to be rid of this vampire alien now . " I 'll be quick . Thank you for being so understanding , Willa . " And he was out the back door it seemed as if in a flash of movement . She 'd never seen anyone move that fast . She tried to stay calm while he was gone , but the truth was she was terrified . How could she even stay on the winding twisty roads when she was shaking so much ? She only had a short time to think as he was back before she knew it . He was only gone for maybe ten minutes . She was afraid , but curious to ask him what he 'd caught . " There are plenty of ground squirrels out there , " he told her . " And a couple of fat crows . " He seemed embarrassed as he told her of his kills . Yet proud in a way , too . She locked the door to her little cabin in the woods and they put the gear in her car . They were on the road again by early afternoon . Luckily , and strangely , Willa 's shaking had stopped and she was able to maneuver easily down and around the steep curves that led to the coast . She was quiet , though and Paul asked her what she was thinking about . " What do you think I 'm thinking about ? ! This is crazy . Before last night my world was quiet and mundane . Now it 's completely out of control . I never even thought about a planet of vampires before in my life . Now I 'm sitting right next to a monster . " That hit Paul hard . " I 'm not a monster , Willa , " he said sadly . " I 'm nothing like what you are imagining me to be . I 've never hurt anyone in my life unless you count the play fights I had with my brother when we were little . Let me tell you some things about myself and maybe you won 't think of me that way anymore , okay ? " " I 'm sorry , Paul . I didn 't mean it that way . I don 't really think you 're a monster . It just came out that way . You 're just so strange to me . " " Well , maybe if you get to know me a little better you won 't be so intimidated by me and others like me . First of all , Panterra is about a third of the size of Earth and lies just inside the Milky Way Galaxy . We don 't have many trees and not much water compared to Earth . I grew up in the Mapot Mountains near the Sea of Donag . I have a great mother and father , a brother , and two sisters . I 'm the oldest , so when I turned 18 of your years I entered the Academy of Space Exploration . When I was a kid , all I ever wanted was to come to this planet called Earth that sounded like paradise to me . I read every book on it I could find . I loved looking at the pictures especially . It looked so different from Panterra . So exquisitely beautiful . My parents started taking us here on trips just so I could see my dream come true . Then , after I entered the Academy , I was sent here with others to study the planet and make sure we weren 't overusing its resources . Carbon is the main resource we take deep out of the ground . Water is another , but only from places not used by humans . Unfortunately there has been political unrest , and some of the Sayers are pushing to get more and more . They don 't have a large following , but there is a trend . I hope they won 't overthrow everything we 've achieved until now . We 've created a good balance . " But enough about all that stuff . I want you to get to know the real me most of all . I love the Earth and everything on it . Even the creatures I have to kill to feed on . I always say a prayer for the being I have killed to send it on to a better place . I honor each one 's spirit . I believe that each spirit is sacred , from the mouse to the jaguar , from the bird to the human . " Willa looked over at him . It sounded to her that he was similar in his beliefs to the American Indians . She knew because she had Cherokee blood from her father 's side . She had always felt a strong kinship with Native beliefs . Now she was hearing similar things from the mouth of a vampire . Things were getting stranger and stranger . She didn 't know what to think . " It was usually good , but sometimes hard . There wasn 't always enough food to go around . Grave robbers were common . Some of our people had themselves buried in impermeable crypts . I just want to be cremated , myself . I don 't want to think about maggots and Fradons eating me up bit by bit . " Willa made a face . Paul laughed . They drove along the winding , muddy Trinity River on highway 299 . Willa hadn 't eaten anything after having lost her appetite earlier back home , but now she was feeling some grumbling in her stomach . There was a small town up ahead not too far , so she decided to stop at this little sandwich shop they had there to get something to eat . It was called Sandy 's Eatery , and they had the best blended mochas in the county , as well as all sorts of organic sandwiches . " I think I 'll come in also , " he said . " I enjoy being around your people . And don 't worry , I know how to behave . " He said this with a slight twinkle in his eye . They got out of the car and went into the restaurant . Paul was looking at everything very curiously . Willa wondered if he 'd ever been inside a restaurant before . He certainly wasn 't acting as though he had . The waitress told them to sit wherever they liked , and Paul made a beeline for a booth near the window . Willa followed . They got their menus , but Willa knew what she wanted and ordered . " I actually haven 't had much interaction with your people until recently . I 've always come here with my parents and stayed in the woods or the desert . This is my first solo trip , as a matter of fact . And now look what 's happened . I hope my parents aren 't too worried . I should have contacted them yesterday . " " I 'm sorry , sir , but you 'll have to keep your voice down please . We have a very small variety of food . I 'm sure if you don 't like it you can go over to the pizza place across the street and find something you 'd like , " said the waitress . But the trucker had just seemed to get started with her . He was obviously drunk . " I just want me a nice beer and a meat loaf . Is that so much to ask , sweetheart ? " He went to grab her wrist . Paul was out of his seat like a flash of lightning . Willa could barely see him as he jumped between the trucker and the waitress . He took the man 's hand off of hers and twisted it until the trucker was on his knees . " Hey ! What the fuck ? ! " The trucker looked up into Paul 's eyes and sat there mesmerized . Paul just held his arm and stared at the trucker . The waitress called for somebody named Jack from somewhere in the back . Slowly Paul let go of the guy 's arm , and he fell to the floor in a daze . The other trucker stood up then and grabbed Paul from behind . He grabbed him around the neck with his arm . " You shouldn 't have done that to my friend , " he said evenly . " But for that you will pay dearly , my friend . " Willa realized she was holding her breath . She got up and started to go help Paul somehow , and the guy named Jack was coming around the counter to subdue the situation . But before either of them could even decide how to fix things , Paul twisted out of the choke hold the trucker had on him and rounded around with his leg to deliver a swift kick to his jaw . Then he put his finger to the guy 's forehead and he , too , fell to the floor . Paul straightened out his shirt and wiped his hands on his pants . He hadn 't even broken a sweat . Willa looked at the waitress and told her , " I 'll take my food to go , please . " My latest novel is now available in paperback and kindle on amazon , smashwords , and createspace . Be one of the first to get a hold of a copy . I really think you 'll enjoy this thriller of a story . You 're in for a wild ride ! That night , as they slept , Paul twisted and turned in the sheets . He saw a young boy ; another student of his : Damien . They were feasting on rat 's blood together . Paul loathed rats . They didn 't even have that much blood in their veins . Besides , they gave him the creeps . Yet the two of them were bloodthirsty . Paul couldn 't remember ever having felt so unquenchable in his life . He 'd no sooner finish with one rat than grab another from the filthy floor , piercing it with his sharp canines and sucking it dry . He glanced over at Damien , who was covered with rat blood . Paul felt the warm , sticky liquid run down his own chin , and all over his clothes . He suddenly felt disgusted with himself , and threw down the rat he was drinking from . Damien was still gorging . The air was stale and smelled of all that carnage . Paul felt his bile rise . He thought he was going to vomit . At that moment , Willa walked into the room wearing a gown in the fashion of his people . She came to him and pressed her lips against his own . He was partly disgusted , but partly aroused . He knew she must be tasting the blood in his mouth . Then she looked down at the boy . He held a rat up as if for her inspection . She nodded , and took the vile creature from him . Smiling at Paul , she put the rat to her lips and opened her mouth … " Eww , that 's pretty gross ! I bet I know why you had that dream . We were just talking about humans who become vampires . It was just lying there in your subconscious and came through in your dreams . " " Nothing . I just have a sick feeling in my gut about this one . Something about Damien . I think I 'll meditate and try to reach him telepathically . He wasn 't my best student , but maybe I need to watch him anyway . " She kissed his cheek and lay back down . But she couldn 't stop thinking about her own interpretation of Paul 's dream . She did not share it with him because it would only upset him . Besides , nothing was ever written in stone . Despite her dismissal of the dream , Willa was too keyed up to sleep , and stared at nothingness for an hour before her own dreams took her away . Meanwhile , the disgusting images played over and over again in Paul 's mind . He couldn 't stop trying to find the true meaning of it all . He didn 't fall back asleep until dawn . Paul was only slightly groggy over coffee the next morning . He felt as though he didn 't need sleep here on Earth anymore . His teeth ached . He needed to hunt . He loped out the back door and into the deep woods without a word . Willa tried to be understanding , but after all , it was just a dream . It could just be Paul 's subconscious conjuring up a concoction of meaningless drivel . But Paul was taking it very seriously , too seriously for her liking . " Paul , I think you might be putting too much weight on this dream of yours . Couldn 't it mean nothing at all ? I 've had a lot of dreams that seemed so real , but ended up being just my imagination gone wild . " " Willa , you have to understand there are differences between our races . One of the things we have developed to a higher level is our dream lives . We don 't normally even have dreams , but when we do they have great meaning . The tough part is figuring out the interpretation of the dream . I have to do some thinking about the meaning of my dream last night . I might even need help from a dream looker . Those are people from my planet who can link up with one 's mind and see the visions from a dream . I believe what I saw last night means that we 're in danger , especially you . Please try and open your mind , and realize that it wasn 't any ordinary human dream . For me , it was real , and could have an impact on our lives . " Willa felt her hand tingle , as she had been holding the arm of the chair so tightly as he spoke these words . Perspiration broke out on her forehead . A slight panic arose inside her . Willa 's fear escalated as she went over Paul 's dream in her mind once more . What could munching on rats possibly mean ? She shivered at the thought of putting one anywhere near her mouth . Paul was going to have to interpret this dream . She had no idea what the heck it might mean . But she had a pretty good idea it wasn 't good . " I won 't , " she said , and reached up to kiss him on the cheek . He smiled , but it quickly faded . Apparently he wasn 't feeling terribly positive about the dream , either . Nevertheless , he went into the bedroom , closing the door behind him , to see if he could garner anything substantial from his midnight vision . Meanwhile , Willa decided to take care of some mundane chores she 'd been putting off . When Paul still hadn 't come out she went into the garden . She was happy to see that it had started flourishing again after having been neglected for the past couple weeks . Some of the plants had tiny buds on them , promising flowers . She sat down on the warm earth . It was a good feeling . She let the sun shine on her upturned face . Soon Paul 's lips touched hers . At first it startled her , but then she leaned into his kiss . Finally pulling away , he sat down next to her . " I think I know what it means . Part of it , anyway , " he told her . " Some very lean times are coming for us . Rats symbolize scarcity . Vampires wouldn 't touch them unless they were desperate . I also got that somehow someone 's going to try and turn you . Don 't be scared , though . I would never let that happen . I just have to be on guard . The only part that still mystifies me is where Damien fits into it all . He seemed like a nice kid . As I recall , he did well in our classes , but didn 't excel . I think I 'll listen in on the radio transmissions and see if I can find out anything from that . " " I do . But please don 't forget that that 's just my interpretation of the dream . I 'm afraid , though , that seeing you in those clothes and holding a rat to your mouth seems pretty clear . In my dream you were definitely a vampire . " " I 'm only twenty - six . You see , I was born a vampire . But my parents are well over two hundred years old . They were around during the dark times when Panterra was controlled by a clan of vampires known as the Mankyries . Those were bad times from what I know about it . " Willa was relieved . She 's half expected to find out Paul was much older than she was . Now she knew he was only a year older . Thank goodness , she thought . She couldn 't have stood it if he were really an old man deep down inside . It would have changed the way she saw him , she knew . She smiled and kissed him . His face grew sad . " The life span of a human female is eighty - two years as of now . But Willa , the lifespan of a vampire can be hundreds of years . " " That 's right . Willa , I 'm sorry . " He brought her into his arms and held her . " I feel as bad about this as you do , honey . In fact , probably worse knowing that I 'll lose you one day . I 'll have to spend the rest of my life without you . I haven 't even wanted to think about it . That 's why I never brought it up . " Depression fell over her like a veil . This was so unfair . When she was an old lady , people would think Paul was her grandson or something ! And how disgusting she would eventually be to him ! " Honey , please don 't be upset . It 'll all work out somehow . I 've heard your people are making huge advances in how long you 'll be able to live . Hell , some of you live to be a hundred and thirty something even these days . And by the time you 're forty our people will have been able to share our technological advances with Earth , too . " He was pleading with her , but her face said it all . " But Paul , I 'll look older no matter what . What am I going to do about that ? Keep getting plastic surgery so I can look twenty - five forever ? I can 't deal with this , " she said , and ran into the bedroom , closing the door behind her , blocking Paul out . Tears of pain and frustration fell down her cheeks . Why hadn 't she thought of this before ? She wondered what else she was blocking out or missing . She supposed she had just not thought Paul was like vampires in the movies or books . He seemed so normal to her except for his diet requirements ; so much like a human . Now she was forced to see him as an alien being and she didn 't like it one bit . She realized that he must have thought about all this before now . Yet he had never said a word . He 'd kept it from her . She felt a flare of anger towards him , but the feeling left as quickly as it had appeared . He was only trying to make her happy , yet he had been suffering , knowing all along that their time together was short - lived by his time standards . She kept trying to think of something that could be done , but it was like a cat and mouse chase in her head . One thought led to another , which led nowhere . He said it so matter - of - factly that she almost laughed . He couldn 't be serious . But the look on his face told her otherwise . He was quite serious . " You don 't have to decide right away , " he said quickly . " We 've got plenty of time . But I want you to know I 've given this a lot of thought . It 's not just a whim . I didn 't want it to have to come to this , but you 're so upset that I thought this might be the time to bring it up . " He took her hand in his , and bent down to kiss it . Then he slowly kissed his way up her arm to her shoulder . Willa began to relax at his touch . He kissed the hollow of her throat . They made love almost frantically then , clutching each other as if they were lost at sea , stranded in a lifeboat . Afterwards , they lay exhausted on top of the covers , sweat pouring off their bodies . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I have superpowers . I make myself invisible . I fly and I can talk to animals . I am 6 1 / 2 years old , and my best friends are Harold and Betty . I go to the school where my Mom is a teacher . I have a few friends that I see at school and play sometimes at the park . Do you like my picture ? Most of the time I 'm at home having adventures with Harold and Betty , sometimes with Mom and Dad . My house is pretty big and what I like the most in my house is the backyard , it 's big and has lots of bushes to play in . I have a fort made with Dad 's old camping tarp and wooden boxes that I found . I pretend that I 'm being attacked by aliens , and me , Harold and Betty save the fort from the bad guys . I 'm going to explain to you how I got superpowers and maybe , if you want to , you can get them too . I have always wanted to have a real friend , you know ? The kind that is there for you when you need them , the kind that will help when you need them to . Well … that 's how I got the power of talking to animals . I just wanted so much to have these friends and the kids at school have other interests . Sometimes they are nice and sometimes they are really bad . They make fun of me and they hit me . I just wanted to have friends who were always going to be on my side all the time . Betty , the spider , was the first friend I got . She started talking to me and now we are always together . She was the one who told me it was OK to talk to Harold my dog . Now Harold is my best friend too ! The other night , when I went to bed , Betty was on the window . I opened the window and brought her in . She was crying , a little lonely and cold so I put her underneath the covers . She told me that she missed her family and that she would like to go for a visit . So there … since Lilly taught me to fly that day at the beach I decided to take Betty flying . That night I dreamed about going to the Amazon . The next morning we looked at the map to find out where we were going . I put Betty in my pocket and flew to the Amazon . The Amazon is quite hot and humid with lots and lots of trees . The smell is fresh and humid with clean air . The jungle had so much noise , all of the animals talking and screaming at the same time . Worse than when my parents take me downtown . Everybody at Betty 's was friendly and they offered me all kinds of strange food . They were so nice that I couldn 't refuse . Some food was good and some very bad but I tried it all to be polite like my Mom always tells me to . Betty was busy talking to her family and telling them all about home , she was eating and eating and running from one side to the other . Finally she told me that it was time to go home and that she was so happy . I put her back in my pocket and said good bye to everyone and flew back home . When we got home , Mom was looking for me as always . When I walked into the family room she was angry . " Yes Mom ! You don 't know Betty , she 's my best friend ! " I exclaimed as I pulled Betty out of my pocket . " Charlie ! ! That is a tarantula ! ! " she screamed . " I love you Mom , " I said rubbing my head into her belly , that was my favourite thing to do . I smelled her sweetness and felt her softness . She hugged me back and smiled . My head was hurting when I woke up , it was late , unusually late for a Sunday , and I had had nightmares . The house was silent , like a Sunday morning . My mouth was dry and I needed a glass of cold , sweet creamy milk . Barefooted , I walked to the kitchen , I felt something strange when I went by the mirror at the end of the hallway . I just needed that milk in my mouth . I looked around for Harold and couldn 't see him . He always comes to say hi when I come into the kitchen . Not this time . I opened the fridge , and with both hands took the milk carton out and put it on the table . Then I hopped onto a chair and climbed to get my favourite yellow glass . I filled it with milk , carefully , not to make a mess . Haaa … the milk was just perfect , cold and nice . My head was still hurting . The hurting was on top of my right eye , and it was like when you have something stuck . I felt something soft caressing my feet , it was Harold ! " Moning Harold , " I said , " I had nightmares last night and my head hurts a bit this morning … how did you sleep ? " Harold looked at me as if he was asking what was going on . You know , animals know more than humans about things ! " I dreamed that I could make myself invisible Harold , " Harold sat down . " If I put my fists together and press them really hard while I crouch I will become invisible Harold , " I said while I demonstrated . Harold 's ears lifted up like when he has seen something and opened big eyes . He jumped back and barked twice . " Shut up , Harold you 're gonna wake up Mom and Dad . " Harold was nervous , he started pacing quickly from one side of the kitchen to the other , then stopped and said , " Charlie … I can 't see you … I know you 're there but I can 't see you . " He barked one more time . Harold sat down again and staring at me he said in his low voice , " No Charlie , you are not dreaming . What are we going to do now ? " At the same time I heard noise coming from my parents bedroom . " Uh oh , I 'm in trouble , " I chimed . My Mom showed up in the hallway and opened my bedroom door . She looked around and then kept on coming to the kitchen . I moved to the side and sat on the couch by the fireplace . The kitchen had an eating area where we had all of our meals . There was also a family , it 's very cozy , it 's my favourite room in the house besides my bedroom . I find it big but my parents are always talking about moving to a larger house , what for ! I have everything I want here . There is a fireplace , a real one and sometimes in the winter when it 's cold out we light a fire . I like the smell of the smoke and the room smells like that all the time . My Mom is a great cook , the best in the whole world . When she cooks , the warm smell of the food mixed with the smell of the smoke is my favourite . I was sitting on the couch when my Mom came into the kitchen , " Charlie , where are you honey , " she called . " Are you hungry ? " I remained quiet , breathing as quietly as possible . She looked around and couldn 't see me . Harold played along coming to my Mom 's feet and barked twice , wagging his short tail . Harold is a white little dog , I don 't know how old he is but he likes to play with me most of the time . Harold doesn 't like to chat like Betty , but he is good company . Mom got her glass and poured milk . She drank it while looking around trying to find where I was hiding . Finally , she gave up and went back to her room . I looked at Harold who was looking in my direction . " Charlie , how do you get visible again ? " asked Harold . " I don 't know but let me try , " I replied . I pushed my arms back and a little cracking noise came from my back . Harold jumped , " That 's it you 're back Charlie ! " I ran to my parent 's room and jumped on the bed and hugged them . " Charlie , " said Mom , " where were you ? I was looking for you . " " Mom … you won 't believe it … I was in the family room sitting on the couch and you couldn 't see me , I was invisible ! " My mother grabbed me , hugged me and said , " Sweetie you are adorable ! " My Dad was looking at us , over the top of his book . He mumbled , " Charlie , you sure have lots of imagination , don 't you ? Buddy ? " Dad rubbed my head with his big rough hands . He was not like Mom , all sweet and soft with a nice smell . Nothing smells like Mom , I thought . " Ask Harold , he likes to play outside when it 's cold and wet . I prefer to be warm . " Betty was a spider who didn 't like the snow . She usually stayed at home when went skiing . That day the snowflakes were slowly falling to the ground , like pieces of cotton . It was a perfect day to play outside and get wet . I put on my ski pants and a parka . I slid on a pair of socks and my rubber boots , found my fuzzy toque and gloves and asked Betty if she was in the mood to play in the snow . " Don 't be late and stay close to home Charlie Moore , Dad will be home for dinner soon , " she replied . I ran to the front door with Harold chasing me . I slammed the door and ran , sliding and jumping in the snow . It was getting dark but the huge white flakes and the street lights made it appear lighter . The street lights were shining yellow and I could smell the cedar trees . Jeremy and Jack , from across the street , were out making snow balls . When they saw us they started shooting balls . We avoided them by dodging from one side to the other . I don 't like to have fights with snow balls and I don 't like to get hit by them . They hurt ! We ran down the street to Margaret 's house . She was outside playing in the snow with a red plastic shovel . " I 'd rather play with Margaret than fight with those kids . I would , however , like to go for a walk in the park . Ask Margaret if she wants to come with us , " said Harold . " How do you know that Harold wants that ? " she asked as she gave me the look and crossed her arms over her chest . Typical Margaret . Margaret who was in my class liked to sit in the front and always raised her hand to speak in the class . I sit in the middle , by the window to watch what was going on outside . " He just told me ! So … do you want to come with us ? " I said . She dropped the shovel and with a smile came along . We walked slowly over the slippery white carpet . " Charlie , there is a man entering the Wood 's house ! " Harold barked . I looked across the street towards the Wood 's . I could see the backyard door from the Wood 's closing behind a shadow . Mr . and Mrs . Wood was a nice older couple who lived on the other side of the street from us . Mrs . Wood often gave me cookies that she baked . She liked to talk to me . She gave me small jobs and paid me with five dollar bills . They were away to visiting their daughter who lived in another town . There were footprints in the snow leading to the backdoor . I noticed that Margaret was following us at a safe distance . Lowering ourselves closer to the ground we reached the door that was slightly open , enough for us to slide in . Harold was in front of me , his ears perked up . A noise of broken glass came from the kitchen . " Go for help ! Someone has broken into the house . I will start barking . Hurry Charlie , make lots of noise " and he turned towards the kitchen door and started barking . " Someone has broken into the Wood 's home . Call the police ! " I ran to the neighbour 's front door and started knocking and ringing the bell , Mr . Chang opened the door . Margaret was at her house talking to her Mom and Dad , Mr . Fraser . Her Dad took longs steps towards the Wood 's house . He was a very big man who I always was a little afraid of . As soon as Mr . Chang saw Mr . Fraser walking towards the Wood 's he start going there too . Lou - Anne , her daughter who was also in our class came out and watched from the door . Harold was still barking at the back of the house . I ran to Mr . Fraser who was close to the Wood 's door . " He broke in from the back " I shouted , running to the back door . Mr . Fraser ran behind me , along with Mr . Chang . Mr . Fraser passed me and entered the Wood 's kitchen . He flicked the light on as Mr . Chang was coming in . I picked up Harold in my arms . As we walked out the back yard , the blue lights of the police car shone over the fence . A big policeman showed up in the backyard , grabbed the thief from Mr . Fraser and put him in handcuffs . They started talking amongst themselves saying grownup things . I went to Mr . Fraser and told him not to forget to fix the broken glass in the kitchen door . He gave me that spooky look and I ran home . " Mom ! Mom ! You have no idea what happened across the street . Harold saw a thief breaking into the Wood 's . Mr . Fraser got him and the police are there now ! " I said as I dried Harold with the towel . He gave me that grownup look that I often see . How come they don 't get it , I wondered ? I wanted to say " Yes I can talk to Harold and to almost all of the other animals around as well . " " Hi Charlie , " I heard from behind me . I lay on my back watching the plants from the dirt between the bushes in the back garden . I turned around and saw her looking at me . " I 'm not going to hurt you . Every day I see you playing in the yard , I even go to see you when you are in your room . I have lived in your garden almost all of my life ! " she exclaimed . My mom is a teacher at my school , grade three , and my dad works in an office downtown . I don 't know what he does there . He goes to work every day wearing a suit and carrying a brown suitcase full of pens and interesting stuff . Mom , she is the best , we walk to school every morning . We have lunch together in the playground and she always gives me advice that I don 't always follow . I 'm in grade one . I play in the garden most of the time . I have a fort between the bushes that I made with plastic and wooden boxes . I can play there when it rains , but not when it rains too much . I like to imagine that I am in the jungle , in faraway places that I saw in movies and on TV . I don 't watch much TV because my Mom doesn 't like it and I have better things to do . I like to slide on my back on top of a rag . I push around with my legs . It 's fun to see everything from the floor up , it 's different but the same . " Unfortunately no Charlie , I am here by myself . I was brought in a plane quite some time ago . I ended up in the house of a man who kept me in a glass cage . One day I escaped from the cage . I ran as fast as I could to find your house and decided to hide in your backyard because it is the one with the most bushes like where I come from . " " Sometimes at night I climb up to your window and see you reading books . I like the books you read . Sometimes I see you going to bed and falling asleep , " Betty said . " I would like to sleep in your bedroom with you . " This was getting very interesting I thought . Can I tell Mom about Betty ? Dad for sure not , he will get mad and he will put Betty in a cage again . I wouldn 't like that at all and making dad change his mind is very hard . Betty is a big spider with lots of hair all over . Her fur , if you can say that because I don 't know what to call the hair of a spider , is brown with some orangey stripes . Betty is a nice spider , she calms me down . We talked for a long time , my legs got numb . " I have to go now Betty , my legs are hurting . It was nice meeting you and I will call you a bit later to play if you are not busy , " I said . Betty said ok and I went inside . Harold and I walked along the beach quietly kicking the odd rock and splashing the water against the gentle waves of Spanish Banks . On a rock , by the water there was a seagull . " She looks friendly , " I said to Harold who acknowledged with a shake of his head . Harold is not too chatty . I kneeled and put my face in her chest . Lilly extended her wings and hugged me , a flash ran up and down my body and It felt like Lilly was covering my whole body with her wings . It was calm , smooth and sweet smelling like my Mom . Something was different . She opened her wings and said . " OK , keep facing the wind with your arms open , close your eyes and think hard , put your thoughts in your belly . Don 't open your eyes until I tell you . Do you understand Charlie Moore ? " she said as she walked from one side to the other . Harold looked interested . " I get it Lilly , here I go … " I took off really easily , I felt I was flying . I opened my eyes and plunged into the water . The water was not that cold , and Lilly wouldn 't stop laughing . Three seagulls , friends of Lilly 's came to the commotion , they landed nearby squawking loud . She looked at me seriously . " Come here Charlie Moore , this time do what I say ! Do you agree ? I 'm having a great time with you guys , " she said and continued laughing out loud . The other seagulls stopped squawking . " One more time Charlie Moore , face the wind , stretch your wings , bend down a bit and concentrate hard with your eyes closed thinking that you can fly ! Now Charlie Moore ! ! " She shouted with a commanding voice . Harold took his place close to Charlie and the other seagulls followed Lilly 's instructions as well . I got in position , closed my eyes and put all my effort in wanting to fly . I felt my feet leaving the ground , the sensation of flying was cool . I kept my eyes closed . I felt the other seagulls flying beside me but I didn 't want to look . I don 't know how long I was flying when I heard Lilly whisper in my ear . " Open your eyes Charlie Moore , don 't be afraid of the height , just enjoy the flight . " " Just fly Charlie Moore , there is nothing to be afraid of , I am here with you . " Lilly sounded like my Mom . She was flying right beside me looking into my eyes , giving me confidence . Everything looked different , smaller , I could see much more than from the ground , like a different world . I was over the water , high enough that I saw on one side the beach I left behind moments ago , the trees , the houses , the roads , the people , all together . I looked until I found my parents , I wanted to shout at them but I didn 't , I knew that it was not going to be good if they saw me flying with Lilly ! " Yes Lilly , thank you . This is fantastic , I am having so much fun , " I said with goose bumps in my arms and legs . I started turning to one side and then to the other . It seemed easy . I tried going down , I went really fast . My eyes began to water from the wind so I lifted my head up to slow down . I was doing really well . " OK Charlie Moore , our first lesson will end with a landing . Now listen to me carefully , landing is not as easy as taking off . You need both eyes wide open so you don 't crash into the ground , you need to go down and reduce your speed at the same time , it 's tricky in the beginning but with a couple of landings you are going to be an expert Charlie . " " One more thing Charlie , follow me and you will do exactly what I do , understand ? Ha ! I almost forgot to tell you , we always land against the wind . Can you tell where the wind is coming from Charlie ? " That 's strange , I thought , open houses ? What does that mean ? The doors are open ? Houses can 't be open … what is this idea , open to what ? I don 't always ask many questions , my dad gets upset really fast and I don 't like that . I didn 't want to move , I was happy where I lived . After a boring drive we arrived downtown . It was horrible , full of tall buildings and people walking fast from one side to the other . Nothing nice about it , nothing like our neighbourhood . Why did my parents want to live downtown ? It was a mystery to me . I got my courage and asked , " Why do we want to live here ? It doesn 't look nice to me . Where am I going to play ? There is only super tall buildings and no yards at all ! " My dad was pulling me by the hand , he turned to me a little bothered and said , " You are growing fast and soon you would not like to pay in the yard , you are going to hang out with your friends and such , besides there is a nice park a couple of blocks that way for you to go with Harold and play ball , " giving me a not nice look . We were walking really fast and I was having trouble keeping up . We stopped at a huge building and after some ringing on the wall telephone we got in . I didn 't like the ride in the elevator . It was my first ride in an elevator . It looked quite shiny and when the doors closed , I felt like I was trapped in a space shuttle . The smell of the elevator was new to me . How can I describe this ? Metal , rubber and I don 't know what else , definitely elevator smells that worked perfectly with the sensation of the ride . I felt climbing but couldn 't see anything moving , it was a weird sensation . I felt like I was going to throw up so I slipped my hand in my pocket and touched Betty , who was coming along . As soon as I touched her fur , I felt relieved . Betty wouldn 't allow anything bad happening to me . The feeling changed suddenly , I felt light and then the elevator stopped . The door opened silently and I walked out comforted . We walked through a hallway to one of the doors , interesting , I thought , so many doors . What are they all for ? My dad let my hand go and knocked on one of the doors . The door opened and a loud man 's voice that talked like a woman greeted us , I was pushed in first and ordered to take off my shoes . I sat on the floor while my Mom and Dad were walking into the apartment leaving me at the entrance . Will was the name of the man . Mom told me that he was the agent . I wondered what kind of agent he was , like a secret agent maybe ? The agent was wearing black from head to toe , and he looked like a vampire , with that long black coat and red scarf . He was talking and talking , quite loud , showing this and that to my parents who looked speechless . I took Betty out of my pocket to show her around , she had not had much fresh air since we left home . I was very careful to hide Betty from my parents , especially Dad , they get aggravated when they see her . I went skating on the soft , smooth wooden floor of the apartment . My warm wool socks were perfect for that , it was a good feeling , like skating . Sometimes my parents would take me skating . I love skating , it is so much fun to go around and around as fast as I can . Mom and Dad are the best in the world they can skate backwards , they hold hands and dance while going around the ice . I follow them around and copy what they do . Skating and skating I ended up in the living room where Will was showing every detail of the place and talking about how good the place was . Boring , it 's just a boring place , cold , and no garden to play in . I skated over to the window and Woooow ! Spooky , I was high up , I had never been that high in my life . I stepped back fast , scared at first and then when I my heart slowed down I crept back to the window . Wow ! It was cool to look out from up here . Everything looked so different . I couldn 't wait to show Betty the view . I took her out of my pocket and put her on the window sill . Betty had her eyes wide open , " this is high , " she said . Will was talking and talking and moving his arms and hands like my Mom does , he was behind me with his loud funny voice and all of the sudden I heard him screaming , " Ayyyyyyyyy ! " I turned around and saw Will grabbing his coat with both hands and putting it over his face . He looked terrified ! He had seen Betty , who at the sound of the scream jumped up onto my shoulder . " Ayyyyyyy ! A monster spider is on your son 's shoulder ! " he shouted as he ran away . Both of my parents were astonished with the scene . Backing up to the living room wall , they looked perplexed . I was frightened by all the commotion . I looked around to find the danger and Betty quickly climbed back into my pocket . I looked at my parents whose faces had changed from surprise to anger . They tried to calm Will by filling him with apologies and nothing to worry abouts . Will looked to be in disbelief . I quickly put my shoes back on and walked to the elevator . Dad gave me the looks and Mom told me that I wasn 't supposed to bring Betty . I failed one more time to explain to them that I brought Betty for my protection . We walked a few blocks and then stopped at another building . I was getting used to the scenery . We climbed into an elevator again , this one was different . It had nice shiny wood and golden trim , wow rich people must live here , they even have gold in the elevators ! The smell was also different , a mixed smell of cigars , magazines and nice cologne , like the one my Dad 's boss wears . The ride up was pretty much the same , uncomfortable , my stomach was not feeling great . The hallways in this building were much wider and elegant , for sure only rich people lived here . I will tell my friends that we are rich . This time a woman agent opened the door , all of these agents must be rich too . They dress so nicely and wear so much jewellery , they smell good and they are so friendly . She put her hands on my shoulders and said , " What a nice boy you are . You must be 8 ? Do you like toys ? Come with me , " she said , directing me down the hall without giving me time to answer . My parents followed . It was heaven , a room full of toys . I looked around , I couldn 't believe it . I grabbed a Tonka truck and started playing . " Keep Betty in your pocket , " whispered Mom , giving me a rub on the head . There was an airplane , a helicopter , baseball gloves … I wanted this place . I couldn 't resist showing Betty this place , I looked over my shoulder , nobody around so I reached into my pocket for Betty . We had a wonderful time in this place , checking this and that , I couldn 't decide what to play with , and I needed more like a week here . " Charlie Moore , " I heard my Mom call , " we are leaving , hurry up hun . " " Are we going to buy this place Dad ? This place I like , it 's the best " The agent looked happy , and so did Mom and Dad . They thanked the woman agent and we left for another ride in the elevator . " Are we buying this one Dad ? Because I like it a lot ! " I exclaimed . Mom gave me that sweet look , " We are just looking hun . " I love my Mom , I held her soft hand . Everything here was much the same , a thought crossed my mind , what would happen if I got lost here ? I wouldn 't know how to get home . We kept on walking , I was feeling tired and dizzy . After a few blocks we went into another building . There was a bunch of people waiting for the elevator . One more time we jumped in . The elevator stopped and some people went down , I looked around to find Mom and my heart jumped in my chest . Mom and Dad were not in the elevator . I stayed in the elevator until everybody got out , I wasn 't afraid . The elevator went down on its own and at the first floor I got out . I looked around for my parents , I still couldn 't see them . How do I get home now ? Nobody seemed to care that I was lost , people were walking all around me , not like at home where everybody knows me and asks me what I am doing . Different ! I reached into my pocket and told Betty that we were lost . " Nothing to worry about Charlie , " she said , " I know how to get there but it would be better if we find your parents first , they must be missing you . " It didn 't cross my mind that my parents would be missing me , I thought that they were only interested in looking at apartments . Oh well , Betty must be right , let 's get back into the building and wait for them in the lobby . I pushed the door and it didn 't open . I couldn 't reach the enter phone , I was too short and I didn 't know the buzzer number . I looked around waiting for a miracle and there , the door made that electric noise and a man went in and so did I . I followed him into the elevator . " Which floor are you going to young man ? " he asked . " I don 't know , I came with my Mom and Dad , they want to buy an apartment downtown . " The elevator stopped and the man took me by the hand , " come with me , I 'll help you find your parents . Let me first take my groceries inside and then I will help you . " He looked like a nice man so I followed him in . His apartment was different , it was dark and quiet . There were piles of books laying everywhere . " Can I use your bathroom ? " I asked . " Of course , make yourself at home , I 'll be ready in a minute and then I 'll help you find your parents . " I went to the bathroom , it was big and grey , piles of books there too . It smelled nice , like books that smell nice . I came out and the man was still busy in the kitchen . I went to the living room and looked out the window at the scenery , it was fascinating . " I 'm ready , " he said in a soft voice , " do you like to look out the window ? " " My name is Sylvester , " he said , " what is your name ? " offering me his huge hand . " I am Charlie Moore , " I said shaking his hand . " How come you have so many books all over your house ? " " I like to read , " he said , grabbing his chin . " I like to read , " he repeated . " What else do you like ? " I asked since he looked like a nice person . I sat down on a chair close to the window prepared to listen . " Well , " he said , " I like to write books , I like animals , birds , I like to fly … " " I like to fly too ! " I burst out , " do you know I can fly ? I can talk to animals too ! " he looked at me intrigued . " Are you afraid of spiders ? " I asked , " I have one in my pocket and I promise you she will not do anything to you . " He looked at me with a sweet face and said , " Take it out . " I got Betty out of my pocket and placed her on top of a pile of books on the coffee table in front of me . " Her name is Betty , she is from the Amazon . " Betty looked Sylvester and said , " he can 't hear me , he 's a grown up , but he 's a good man Charlie . " Sylvester was not afraid of Betty as most people are . " I always wanted to have a spider friend , " he said . " Tell me more , how did you meet her ? " Sylvester was interested in Betty and my stories ! He stood up and said , " Charlie , we better look for your parents , they must be worried about you . Betty jumped up onto my shoulder and crawled into my pocket as she always did . " Can I come to see you again Sylvester ? I want to tell you about my adventures . " " For sure , let 's go find your parents , " he said . We took the elevator down to the lobby , and there they were , Mom and Dad , talking to people nervously . " Mom , Dad ! " I shouted when I saw them and I ran to hug them . It wasn 't that I missed them or that I was afraid , it was more for them because they looked afraid . I grabbed Mom 's hand and said , " This is Sylvester , he 's my friend and helped me find you . " Sylvester was standing with a nice smile . Dad said thanks to Sylvester . " I want to come to see Sylvester again , can I come Mom ? " " Of course Charlie , " she said with wet eyes and hugging me as usual . On the way home , I told my parents that Sylvester was not afraid of Betty . And also that he couldn 't hear Betty speaking , just like them . I was tired , I fell asleep in the car .

The needs of my children is endless . This is true of all children , but it is especially true of children with disabilities . I believe that great things are possible . But even with great improvement , Middle Sons 's needs are endless . As is my devotion to him . To anyone who will meet the needs of my children , my offer is likewise endless . If you can meet the needs of my children and keep them safe , everything I have is yours , no questions asked , no strings attached . When Middle Son was a toddler , he ate a limited range of food . Very limited . I remember once when we had a sitter come to watch him , MomC told the sitter that there was a list of the foods he would eat on the refrigerator . The sitter laughed and said " you can list all the foods he eats on a sheet of paper ? " I responded that actually we could list all the foods he ate on a post - it . Middle 's diet at the time consisted of foods that were brown , dry , and crunchy . He ate dry toast , cereal with no milk , cookies , crackers , and chips . NOTHING else . For a while Middle worked with a " feeding therapist " . She was an occupational therapist who specialized in sensory issues around food . I remember the progression that she went through - - size , color , texture , taste . She took goldfish crackers ( which he would ate ) . Then she got larger goldfish and coaxed him to eat those . Then she got different colored goldfish . Then she put a little peanut butter on them ( which was texture and taste at the same time ) . Eventually , he started trying other things . First he would touch them with his hands . Then he started putting them in his mouth . Then later he started chewing on them . But he wasn 't ready to swallow . So he 'd chew on them and spit them out on the floor . My mother - in - law tried to stop him and MomC and I both jumped to intervene . We were really excited that he was chewing on a new food and didn 't want to do anything to discourage it . Last night I was giving Middle Son a bath . I got really excited when he started pouring water on his head . He doesn 't like anything touching his head , which means that washing his hair is very difficult . There he was , doing part of the work for me ! Then it got even better . After I put shampoo on his head , he started rubbing the top his head and working up a lather . Shocking ! Thrilling ! Then when he seemed to be done , I went to rinse his head . And he reverted back to his typical behavior . Didn 't want that water anywhere near his head . Youngest Son ( age 5 ) went into his bedroom on his own tonight , while I was giving Middle Son a bath . I went in to check on him when the bath was done . He was snuggled up in bed . He looked up at me and said " Daddy , I 'm already asleep . " My girlfriend and I are planning to get married . We don 't have a date yet , but probably in the fall of 2013 . She ( and her daughters ) have spent a significant amount of time with my boys over the last few months . I introduced her to MomC a few weeks ago . Last night I told Oldest Son . He was very surprised . The first thing he said ( and he led by qualifying it , saying he knows it won 't happen ) was that it would be easier for him if his mom got married at the same time . Then he wanted reassurance that he will still get to have his own room . I told him he will keep his own room . My girlfriend has two teenage daughters and he most definitely will not be sharing with them . Then he said he wants us to get married someplace cool , like Vegas . Vegas is a possibility that we 've been discussing . He also asked if I wanted him to tell his mom for me . I said no . Talking to MomC about this is my job , not his . As soon as we were done talking , I texted MomC to be ensure that I was the one delivering the news . She congratulated me . She apparently was expecting us to get married this week . She thought maybe we 'd stopped in Vegas on our way to visit my family for Christmas . She also thanked me for telling Oldest while he is going to be at my house for a while so that I will be around as he is processing it . That was very much a conscious decision on my part . The boys are with me from the 26th to January 2nd , which is the longest period of time they ever spend at my house . I told Oldest on the first night so he would have as much time as possible to work through it before going back to MomC . I 'm reading Far from the Tree , by Andrew Solomon . There will likely be many posts that come out of this . There is a chapter about the experiences of families with autism . I was struck by a passage from a woman who 's second child was diagnosed with autism . " My son seemed totally normal , after dealing with my daughter , " she recalled . Unlike her sister , however , she had no experience of normal children . Our experience with Middle Son was very similar . Oldest Son was a very demanding infant and toddler . He wanted to be held all the time and required constant attention and interaction . Middle Son was quiet and seemed content on his own most of the time . I 'm in Austin this week , visting my family for the holidays . Naturally , everywhere I go there are signs that say Austin something - or - other . More often than not , when I look at those signs I see " Autism " instead of " Austin . " I like that quote . That 's one of the things that I 'm finding as I blog more regularly . Part of the attraction is the beauty that lies in a clearly crafted thought . And the more frequently I write , the more frequently that beauty comes into being . While I was traveling yesterday , I remembered some things that I had forgotten about the first time that I flew with Middle Son . Middle was about 5 years old . He sat in the aisle seat and I sat next to him . We were up near the front of the plane , so lots of people filed past us . As they walked past , Middle would tap on their luggage . Some people looked irritated , but most people thought it was cute . One man was carrying a big African drum . He gave Middle a big smile when Middle drummed on it as he walked past . The other thing I remember is the way Middle clung to me . As soon as the engine started , he grabbed my arm and pulled it across his body , like the shoulder belt in a car . He held it clamped there for the entire flight . Every time I tried to move my arm , he grabbed it and pulled it back . I was his safety belt for the flight . Yesterday on the airplane , I found myself seated next to a woman who was reading proposal from the state of California about autism services . I asked her about it and told her that two of my three sons have autism . We spoke for a while . She was serving a state board that was reviewing autism services . California law says that people with autism have a right to services , and she was involved in writing recommendations for ensuring that minority communities are able to access their services . For lower - income parents things like getting time off work and getting to appointments via public transit are major obstacles . I commented on how financially fortunate I am . I pay a caregiver to transport my children to appointments , and I don 't have problems leaving my office for a couple of hours to go to school meetings or meet with the psychiatrist and neurologist . Most people can 't do that . I pay caregiver more than lots of people make . I asked her about rates of diagnosis among minority communities . I wondered if they are diagnosed at a lower rate . She said that they are diagnosed at the same rate , but they tend to be diagnosed later . Where a middle - class child would be diagnosed at 3 , a lower - income child won 't be diagnosed until 4 1 / 2 . Tomorrow morning I leave for Christmas vacation . My girlfriend and I are going to visit my family in Texas . The boys will be at MomC 's from tonight until the morning of the 26th . I got a text from my X . She asked me to give Middle Son a bath , because he probably won 't take one at her house . In the next week . I went to a meeting of the Father 's Network this morning . It 's a group for men who have children with disabilities . I 've gone off and on for almost ten years - - just after Middle Son was diagnosed . Today was the first time I had been in months . There was a man there who I hadn 't met before who has a 4 1 / 2 year old son with autism . We talked for a while . I saw echos of a lot of things we went through with Middle in as I was watching his child . When Middle Son was very young , around 20 months , we began to be concerned about him . He didn 't respond at all to his name . The first thing that we did was have his hearing tested . When the hearing tests came back positive , we moved on to other tests which eventually led to the diagnosis of autism . When he was about 2 1 / 2 , he started climbing up on the kitchen counter . His favorite thing to do was stand on the lip of the sink and jump up and down . This was very alarming . The lip of the sink is a very small surface , it 's often wet , and it put Middle an entire body length above the floor . I was afraid that he would fall and hurt himself . MomC and I would tell him to get down and he ignored us . So I decided to devote some serious effort to the problem . I stood at the kitchen counter with a magazine . Every time Middle climbed up on the counter I would say " no Middle , get down . " I would pick him up and put him back on the floor . Then I would read my magazine for a few minutes until he climbed back up on the counter and we 'd repeat the process . After a couple of weeks of this , when I would tell Middle to get down he actually got down . It was a huge breakthrough . By this team we were working with speech therapists , behavior therapists , and lots of other professionals . One of the things I learned from them was the utter necessity of consistent behavior with Middle . In a lot of ways it reminds me of training a dog . I don 't like the analogy - - Middle is a human being , not a dog - - but it conveys information well , so I use it . When you are training a dog , they tell you to always make the dog obey a command ; communicate to them that disobedience is not an option . If you tell him to sit and he doesn 't , kick his back feet out from under him so that he falls on his butt . Then say " good sit . " So I took get care about when and how I asked Middle to do things . I gave very simple , clear , one - step instructions . Rather than saying " put your coat away , " I would say " come here " and wait for him to comply , " pick up your coat " and wait , " go over there " and wait , then finally " hang your coat on the hook . " If at any step he didn 't do what I asked , I would go to him , take his hand , and physically take him where I had told him to go . Eventually Middle concluded that if I told him to do something he was going to end up doing it , so he might as well do it now rather than wait for me to come get him . MomC never made that investment . She finds it very difficult to get him to listen . She complains that he ignores her . I 've seen him do it . More than once when I 've arrived at her house to pick up the boys , Middle has been out in the back yard . She calls for him to come in and he ignores her . She calls 2 , 3 , half - a - dozen times , and it 's like he doesn 't even hear her . Sometimes I want to yell at her to get her rear end out there and make him come inside . As long as she tolerates him ignoring her he will continue to do so . Then I call out to him to come get in the car to go to my house . He immediately comes inside . MomC glares at me and says " that is soo frustrating . " Yesterday I was talking about the Clarity post with a colleague . He suggested that another aspect I 'm probably dealing with is emotional clarity . He has a relative with Alzheimer 's who is beginning to lose words . He believes that this is immensely frustrating for her - - she wants to say something but literally can 't find the words . He said that he is trying to learn to engage with her emotions even when he can 't engage with her verbally . When Middle Son came to request something from me a little while ago , I went out of my way to be excited about his request . I put some juice into my words and my posture . I wanted to communicate to him " hey buddy , I REALLY want to know what you want so I can HELP you ! " It worked . He frequently makes very small gestures that are hard to interpret then runs off before I 've figured it out . This time , he pointed clearly and waited until I had taken what he wanted off the shelf before he ran to the table . He pointed out that my blogging has likely contributed to my ability to express things clearly . That 's something that I hadn 't considered . I suspect he is correct . I spend a fair amount of time fiddling with the exact wording of my posts . I want to maximize the odds that readers ( assuming I have some ) will hear clearly what I am trying to express . My employer periodically sends managers to the Dale Carnegie leadership training . I did it a couple of years ago . My favorite exercise was something they called value cards . They gave us each a deck of about 50 cards that said things like " commitment " , " fairness " and " lifelong learning . " We were asked to sort through the deck and pick the six most important , then remove two , then remove two more . Thus identifying the two things we valued the most . There were also blank cards if we wanted to add something . I used one to add " clarity " . As we discussed it , I said that I 'm perfectly willing to do stupid things for stupid reasons as long as we are all clear that that 's what we 're doing . Last week I was working on a proposal with a couple of co - workers . One of them commented on how well I explain things . That 's happened multiple times during this project . I 'll say something and then someone will say " ooh , that 's really good , write down what he just said . " I responded that it 's because I have to be able to explain things to my autistic children . Unless I am super clear , Middle Son doesn 't understand what I mean . To a ( significantly ) lesser degree the same is true for Oldest Son . Oldest Son and I were both sick this weekend . He was sick on Friday and Saturday , I was sick on Sunday . Which worked out well , he was able to do a lot for Middle and Youngest on Sunday . Ultimately I ended up calling MomC to come and pick them up early . At one point Sunday afternoon , Youngest came into my room and said " Daddy , do you need anything ? " It was very sweet . I had him bring me a glass of water . " As we enter the holiday season , it is a time to rest and reflect . Whether it has been long IEP meetings or homework ' moments ' , you 've been there for your kid this year . I am continually amazed at your strength , humor and insight . " I posted that on Facebook . A woman I went to high school with who has a developmentally disabled daughter posted " As am I ! As . Am . I ! Your patience inspires me to be more patient with my daughter . " Middle Son is the most extraordinary teacher of patience I can ever hope to meet . I do my best to be a worthy student . However , over the past few years I have come to realize that I am strong . Very strong . When circumstances require I am jaw clenched , fists curled , in - your - face , f * you strong . Even if I have tears before and after , I have the strength to act in the moment . Over the past three and a half years , I 've gone through many trials and tribulations . I 've gotten divorced . I 've stood up for my children , sometimes even against their mother , to ensure their needs were met . Sometimes it is relatively easy . When Oldest Son was having major trouble at school , it wasn 't that hard to get what I wanted . I had invested enough time and energy with the school district . I remember MomC expressing surprise that they agreed to pay for a private school placement for him for 7th grade . I wasn 't . It was clear to them that we knew what he needed , what the district had to offer ( not enough ) , and most importantly that I couldn 't be rolled - - if they proposed something that didn 't meet Oldest 's needs they would have a fight on their hands . Other times it is hard . Very hard . About a year and a half after our divorce , some things happened at MomC 's house that I was very unhappy about . I told MomC that it was time for Middle Son to come and live with me . I have powerful memories of the moment . I was standing on the curb outside the doctors office . My jaw was clenched and my fists were curled . MomC was initially surprised . Then indignant . Then she spun on her heel and walked away . And a few weeks later I had a nanny hired and Middle was living with me , going to MomC 's on Tuesday and every other weekend . Some time later , my mother related to me a conversation she had with my brother 's wife . She said that she had never imagined that I would turn out to be so strong . My response was " me either . " Middle Son pried the lid of a bottle of shampoo . And apparently shook it hard to empty it . The tub , shower curtain , and wall are covered with rosemary tea - tree shampoo . Tonight Middle Son and I washed a couple of pots after dinner . This was a little harder than the mirrors and windows . It requires more complex motions with your wrists and fingers , and Middle seemed to have more trouble with it . So I got the windex out , and helped him spray the microwave door , get a paper towel , and wipe it down . He was jumping up and down and seemed very excited . So I asked if he wanted to do more , and he signed yes again . We went into the bathroom and cleaned the mirror . Then we went into the other bathroom and cleaned that mirror . He still seemed to be having fun , so we took on the dirtiest task of all , the window in the back door . MomC kept all three boys tonight . Normally , Oldest Son would have been at my house . She wanted to take them to see the lights at the Botanical Garden , and this week it 's free . So that was fine . The bad part was that about 8 : 30 , she called to tell me that she didn 't have meds for Youngest Son . I told that she could go over to my house and get them - - Oldest Son has a key so he can get into the house . She declined . She said they 'd just gotten home and she didn 't want to go back out . Middle Son has always been a climber . Even as a toddler , as soon as he could get his fingers on top of something , he 'd climb onto it . Somewhere there is a picture of him curled up asleep on top of the refrigerator like a cat . That happened before he was three . The fall after my divorce , Middle Son grew tall enough that he could get his fingers on the top of my backyard fence . And as soon as he got his fingers on it , he started climbing over the fence . Usually he just went around to his favorite shrub in the front yard and started pulling leaves off of it . But I wasn 't confident that it would stay that way . I became very careful about watching him when he was in the back yard . Pretty quickly he stopped trying to climb over in any of the spots where I could see him . Unfortunately , there was a blind spot behind the garage where I couldn 't see him . So I bought a surveillance camera that hooked up to my laptop . I put it up on the side of the house where it covered the blind spot . The first time I saw him starting to go over the fence , I ran out into the back yard calling for him to stop . When I got around to where I could see him , he was turning around slowly and staring . His body language and expression said very clearly " how did you know what I was doing ? How did I get caught ? " When I moved to my current house , I didn 't bother to set up the camera . Shortly after we moved in , we got Willow , his service dog . Now I tether them together and she makes sure he doesn 't go over the fence . For the longest time , we had trouble getting Middle Son to stay at the table for meals . He 'd come to the table , take a bite or two , then run off again . It was very frustrating . One , it made it difficult to eat a family meal , and two , it made it much harder to get Middle to eat enough food . The first summer post - divorce , MomC 's mother and step - father replaced their patio furniture , and they brought me their old set ( they like me , and we 've stayed on pretty good terms through the divorce ) . It was a table , umbrella , and six chairs . One of the chairs was an outdoor rocker . I noticed that something unusual was happening . When Middle Son sat in the rocking chairs , instead of wandering all over the place he stayed at the table . Which was amazing . He 'd NEVER stayed at the table . I brought the rocker inside and put it at his place at the table . He stayed at the table inside . I ended up buying a pair of outdoor rockers . I put one at the kitchen table and the other in his room . Middle is hard on the chairs . He rocks vigorously and they get metal fatigue in the hinges and break . In the last 3 1 / 2 years he 's broken four chairs . When they were on closeout at the end of the summer I bought an extra two - pack , so I have them in boxes in the garage , waiting to be needed . I remember reading that people with low - functioning autism live in a world of their own . That is certainly my experience with Middle Son . I often describe him as living at right angles to the rest of humanity . Occasionally he touches down on Planet Consensual Reality , but unless you are are paying attention , you won 't see it and you will miss out on the chance to connect with him . When Middle was born we had a Golden Retriever named Brandy . Brandy was amazingly tolerant of Middle Son . I remember watching him plant a knee in her eye socket and climb over her head , and she didn 't even flinch . But I couldn 't tell if Middle was aware of her as anything other than an obstacle on the floor . The summer that Middle was 3 we had Brandy shaved so that she wouldn 't be so hot , or leave so much hair all over the house . Shortly after , I saw Middle walk up to Brandy and poke her very gently with one finger . He had noticed that she looked different . That showed me that he was in fact aware of the dog . He only did it that one time . I could easily have missed it . And then I wouldn 't have known . When Middle Son was getting dressed for school this morning , he put his shoes on the wrong feet . And he left them that way . He appeared to be perfectly comfortable . Middle Son craves proprioceptive stimulation ; he wants pressure on his body . He likes to be squeezed and mushed . He likes to jump off of things and feel the impact . It 's a common craving for people with autism . One of Middle 's occupational therapists said that their nervous systems are under - sensitive to proprioception , so then seek out additional stimulation . When Oldest Son was wearing he shoes on the wrong feet we speculated that it was driven by a desire for pressure . Middle doesn 't do it often . Most of the time he gets his shoes on the correct foot . But if he doesn 't , he either doesn 't notice or doesn 't care . I don 't know which . Yesterday I was visiting a friend of mine who is in the early stages of what will probably be a very difficult divorce . He had his two younger children with him that evening . I noticed that when I was talking to his kids , I was pretty animated . They were playing with bubbles and said they had built a " bubble machine " in one of the bedrooms . I got all excited to see it , which they loved . I didn 't put the two together until this evening . Middle Son came to me while I was sitting at the computer . He tried to get me out of the chair . He wanted me Rather than get up , I pulled my feet up off the floor . So when he pulled on my hands , he pulled the chair across the room until it ran into the rug in the kitchen . He didn 't like it , but I giggled and rolled the chair back . We repeated it several times . I kept laughing and making funny faces . I spun the chair around . I pulled him in close and then pushed back out . After a couple of repetitions he was laughing too . Middle Son , as is typical with autistic children , wants to repeat the same patterns over and over . He wants to play the same way every time . This shows up with Oldest Son as well . A couple of years ago he went to visit my parents in Austin . When they asked what he wanted to do , he wanted to go to all the places we went on our last trip there . He was trying to repeat the same happy experience . Which is what Middle does when he wants me to go in his room and tickle him over and over and over . It occurs to me that it is worth building on this idea with Oldest . This is an important lesson to learn when dealing with salesmen of any type ( especially the ones who want to sell you an extended warranty ) , when dealing with your personal finances , or when dealing with high - school peers . I think I should create a curriculum for this . This weekend he was dabbing at the kitchen table with a napkin after dinner . I gave him the spray - cleaner and a towel and he wiped down the table and part of the kitchen counters . I had to do some areas that he missed , but still ! He was also playing with the scrub brush from the sink . Tonight he was playing with the scrub brush again . I asked if he wanted to wash the pots from dinner , and he signed yes . So , hand - over - hand , we washed out two pots . I got a text this morning from MomC about 8 : 00 . As on Wednesday , she was not able to get Middle Son out of bed and dressed for school . He 'd been awake for 45 minutes , and was just laughing at her when she told him to get up . She said that if she can ' tget Middle Son out of bed , then he will have to sleep at my house every school night . Which I am not happy about . Getting your children to school is one of the basic parental responsibilities . What does that mean if she gives up on that ? MomC had emailed Middle 's teacher last week asking if she had any ideas . She suggested using some sort of reward system . I doubt that will work . We 've tried rewards before without any luck . He often seems to be almost completely self - contained - - he just doesn 't care that much about rewards . Middle Son generally speaking doesn 't like bathing . He enjoys sitting in the warm water of the tub and splashing a little , but he doesn 't like being soaped and scrubbed and he hates having his hair washed . There have been times in the past when he liked taking baths . In fact , there were periods when he would take 5 showers a day . We are not in one of those periods now . It 's been very difficult to get him in the tub . MomC told me that she has pretty much given up . She 's worried about how she 's going to keep him clean enough that he doesn 't get b . o . during the week of Christmas break that he is at her house . As I was getting the bath ready for him today , I noticed that there was bubble bath in the cabinet under the sink . I haven 't used bubble bath with him for a long time . He liked it . He got into the tub and sat down without any coaxing . It brought back a memory from my childhood . It was while we were living in Topeka , so I was about the same age as Youngest is now . I had set up my plastic army men . My dad brought out the movie camera and filmed an epic , the Battle of the Dining Room . He came over and touched Jack . At first he was very hesitant , just barely making contact with Jack before pulling away . After a few touches he was a little more confident . It reminded me of the way Middle used to react to dogs when we would walk around the neighborhood before we got his service dog . He was always interested in the dogs , but very hesitant . When the opportunity presented , he would pet a dog that was securely held by its owner . I think because he knew that the dog couldn 't make any sudden moves , which scared him . Middle Son has a service dog named Willow . Willow is a Great Pyrenees , so she is a BIG dog . She was 93 pounds at her last visit to the vet . Today we had our first ever Blended Holiday . My girlfriend came over with her 17 year old daughter to have Thanksgiving dinner with me and my three boys . They brought their dog along . Their dog is a dachshund named Jack . Jack is not a big dog . During dinner , we put Jack in his crate in the living room . When Middle was finished eating , he went over to the crate . He squatted down in front of it looking at Jack . He put his fingers inside the bars to pet Jack . He jumped and giggled . Running loose , the small dog was a little too unusual / unpredictable for Middle . Once he was shut into his crate , he was safe to engage with . Last night I took Middle Son and his service dog out for a walk . There was a thick carpet of wet leaves and pine needles on the ground . Middle was fascinated by them . First he tried kicking them , but that didn 't really work . They were too wet . Then he start scuffing his feet and sliding along over them . It looked like he was ice - skating on the leaves . Yesterday , around 10 : 00 in morning , I got a call from Middle Son 's school . It was an automated call from the attendance office . Middle Son had not arrived at school . Since he was at MomC 's that morning , I called her to find out what was going on . She said that she had just dropped him off at school . Then she started telling about the problems she is having getting him to do things . He doesn 't do what she tells him . She can 't get him to take a shower . She can 't get him dressed . She can 't get him out of bed in the morning . She said she doesn 't know what to do about it , and it is impacting Oldest Son - - some days he ends up being late for school because she can 't get Middle Son out of bed , and she can 't leave him alone while she takes Oldest to school . She said that she is also starting to have trouble getting Youngest Son to do things . She thinks it is because he sees that Middle doesn 't listen to her , so he thinks he doesn 't need to listen to her either . Which seems entirely plausible . I didn 't know what to tell her . I don 't have those problems at my house . Middle Son pretty much does what I tell him . As much as a typical child would . Youngest Son does what I tell him . As much as you would expect any 4 year old to . I think it is going to be a huge task . She 's abdicated the responsibility of making Middle listen to her for many years . It 's going to be very hard to get it back . Posted by After a couple of email exchanges with Mother - of - my - Children ( some of which were heated ) , I have a better idea of what Oldest Son was talking about regarding staying at my house on Sunday evenings . I had been concerned that there might be something inappropriate with MomC pushing things on Oldest . But now that I have the full story , I 'm confident that there is not . The crucial bit of information was that she suggested it because he told her he wanted to be able to spend more time with me . Oldest told me that she had suggested it , but left out the context that he had been talking to her about spending more time with me . It 's fairly common for Oldest to leave out important information when he tells you something . Last year was the first time he started having to do homework . Previously we 'd had his IEPs written in such a way that he was exempted from homework . I would ask if he homework was done , and he 'd say yes . Then I 'd find out later that his homework wasn 't all getting done . I eventually figured out that when he said his homework was done , what that really meant was he was done with all the homework where A ) he knew exactly what tasks had been assigned , and B ) he understood how to do the work . If he was unclear exactly what the assignment was or he didn 't know how to do the math problems , he didn 't mention that . I remember an article I read years ago about adults with Asperger 's Syndrome and they trials they run into communicating with other people . It talked about a young man who was having trouble finding a job . His previous job had been cleaning rooms at a ski resort . It was seasonal work - - the job ended when ski season was over . When he was interviewing , he told people that he had been " let go " from his previous job . He didn 't realize that this sounded like he had been fired . He didn 't understand that he needed to provide the context . Middle Son 's bus arrived very early this morning , about 7 : 45 as opposed to the regular 8 : 00 . Middle wasn 't dressed yet . So I went out to tell the bus driver . I said you 're really early , and we 're not ready yet . He said no problem , we 'll wait . I went back inside , finished getting Middle dressed , got him his back pack and coat , and opened the front door . The bus was gone . I looked at the time , and it was 7 : 52 . So even though the driver was very early , he didn 't wait until the normal pickup time . So I drive Middle to school . I went in and asked his teacher what is going on with transportation . She said that the regular bus driver has been out for a couple of weeks , and that the bus arrived at school very early this morning . I mentioned that the bus was very late to my house on Monday , and one day last week they didn 't pick him up from my house at all . She said she would email transportation , and suggested that I give them a call as well . I had an interesting , and slightly distressing , conversation tonight with Oldest Son . He said that he was thinking that he might like to stay at my house on Sunday nights of the week that he is at my house . Currently , all 3 boys go back to MomC 's at 7 p . m . on Sundays of my weekend . I told him that my girlfriend usually spends the night on the Sundays that he goes back to his mom 's . I said that I like having her spend the night , and that I wasn 't sure if it would be ok for her to spend the night when he is here - - that might be really uncomfortable for him . So we 'd have to figure that out . I also told him that I would need to talk with MomC . Changing the schedule is something that she and I have to discuss directly - - not pass information back and forth through him . He said that he thinks his mom doesn 't agree with that ; she thinks he should discuss it with me . Not sure exactly what that means . If it means she thinks he should bring up the question of schedule changes with me , that 's ok . If it means that she wants to negotiate with me through him , that is definitely not ok . Then he said that MomC had asked him if he wanted to do it , and that it was MomC 's idea . Or maybe it wasn 't . I couldn 't get a clear read on it . I told him that when I was growing up , sometimes my mom would tell people that I wanted something , when it wasn 't really something I wanted , it was something that she wanted . I said that I wasn 't clear what he wanted to do , and that I thought it was important to understand what it was he wanted . He said he wasn 't sure . I said that if he isn 't sure what he wants , then we should wait to change things until he is sure . He agreed . A little later I went to his room to talk to him . I told him that when I was in 10th grade , I had enough high school credits that I could have graduated in 3 years if we had arranged all my classes just right . At orientation night , my mom had brought this up with the counselor . He looked at me and asked why I wanted to graduate a year early . And when he asked that , I suddenly realized that I had no desire to graduate early . That was what my mom wanted . I stammered and didn 't say anything . My mom came in with " I think he sees it as moving on to bigger and better things . " I remember later telling that to one of my teachers . She said that if I didn 't want to graduate a year early , then the counselors could make sure that didn 't happen . I said yes . You have to start figuring out what you want and making decisions . Sometimes people want you to do what is best for them rather than what is best for you . You need to start learning to tell the difference between the two . Got a message this afternoon from my nanny that Middle Son 's bus was late . Over 30 minutes late . I called the school district transportation office and they said he would be home in about 5 minutes . The nanny and I were discussing it when I got home . She said that there has been a procession of new drivers the past few weeks . She asked one of them if he was the new permanent driver and he said he didn 't know . Last night it took Middle Son a looooooong time to go to sleep . I went to bed around 11 : 30 . I was awakened around 12 : 30 by Middle 's service dog barking . Middle continued to go to bed and get up for another hour . Finally , at 1 : 45 , I gave him another half dose of his sleep meds . He slept from 2 : 00 to 6 : 30 . When I was getting Middle Son dressed for school this morning ( he can do it himself , but it takes longer , he " forgets " to put on underwear , and half the time his clothes are inside out ) I couldn 't find any underwear for him . So I had to send him to school without any underwear . Which they have complained about in the past . Youngest was at my house last night . When I dropped him off at MomC 's , I asked her if she had any underwear for Middle Son . She brought out a stack of clear underwear . She also gave me one of the reports from school , saying that Middle 's underwear had been dirty on both sides . Didn 't check the date to see if it was from Tuesday or Wednesday . Tuesday morning his underwear was dirty on one side because it was the only pair that I could find in the house . I got a text message from MomC about 7 : 30 this morning . She said that she was not sure that she would be able to get Middle Son to put his pants on . It wasn 't clear what , if anything , she expected me to do . It 's not like I can put his pants on him via text message . So I didn 't do anything . I went to work . Later in the day I texted and asked if she got him off to school . She said yes , but it took over an hour to get pants on him . It reminded me of calls I used to get from MomC when she couldn 't get Oldest Son out of bed in the morning for school . Only in that instance , I actually was able to get him to wake up and get out of bed over the phone . I found that Willow had dropped her kong on the couch next to Middle Son , and was jumping up and down , as if to coax him to throw it . Middle Son looked interested , but didn 't seem to grasp Willow 's desire . He was watching her and giggling , while still trying to keep his hands away from her . I picked up the kong and handed it to him . I pointed down the hall and told him to throw it . He did . Willow scrambled after it . Middle Son laughed . With prompting , he threw the toy for her half - dozen or so times . That 's the longest I 've ever seen him play with her . It was wonderful to see . I 've been listening to Alanis Morisette 's Guardian a lot lately . I 've blogged about the song before . Last night I realized why I am drawn to it . He was building cages and caves for the dragon that I got him . At one point he got upset that I had thrown out some packing paper because he needed it . He was using it to make sure the dragon didn 't breath fire on him . Oldest Son seemed a little hyper this weekend . There were a couple of conversations where he kept bobbing his head up and down and back and forth . I 'm a little concerned . I sent him out for walks on Friday , Saturday , and Sunday . It seemed to help , but he still seemed wound very tightly . Last night , around 11 : 30 , Youngest Son woke up . I was sitting at the computer and he came and climbed into my lap . He put his arms around me , snuggled in , and fell asleep . For the past few days Middle Son has been opening the cupboard where the dog food and other pet supplies are . I wasn 't sure why . Then today I caught him eating dog treats . Costco brand sweet potato and chicken treats . Oldest Son 's high school issued laptops to all students this year . Oldest ran into problems today trying to use it to do his homework . The file permissions have gotten screwed up , and he doesn 't have the correct permissions to save to the hard drive . So he can 't do his homework ( on the laptop ) . I proposed several options . One of the things I suggested was that he email his teachers and let them know he was having problems and might not get his homework done . This was HUGELY upsetting to him . He had a hard time articulating why he was so opposed to this idea . The clearest statement he was able to make about it was that he doesn 't like communicating with people who aren 't here . I can only recall one time that I had a similar reaction . I remember my viola professor asking me to mark the dynamics on a piece of music by writing the volume numbers I 'd use on my stereo . I REALLY didn 't like that idea , for reasons that I still can 't quite understand , let alone articulate . Youngest Son turned 5 today . The party was at MomC 's house . I got him a Fisher - Price dragon . When you squeeze a handle it flaps its wings and roars . MomC got him a Go Diego Go backpack . He immediately put it on , and he hasn 't taken it off since except to load / unload it , or to go to the bathroom . I 'd give 3 : 2 odds that he sleeps in it tonight . Youngest Son turns 5 this weekend . According to MomC , he said he is having " a surprise cowboy party " for his birthday . Which to me , begs the question - - is it a surprise if you ask for it ? Middle Son loves to be tickled . Even now , as his 12th birthday approaches , it 's one of his favorite forms of play . I know another father who 's autistic teenager loved to be tickled . While typically developing children outgrow wanting to be tickled , lower - functioning autistic children apparently do not . He informs me that he wants to be tickled by leading me into his bedroom , lying down on the bed , and pulling up his shirt to expose his tummy . Then he tries to grab my hands as I move in to tickle him . He also tends to pull his feet up and block with his legs . He 's big enough now that I 'm uncomfortable with that - - if he inadvertently kicks me , he 's strong enough to do some damage . So last night , for the first time , I started telling him " feet down " . I use " hands down " in various circumstances , and I also say " feet down " when he is rocking his chair too hard at the dinner table . ( Actually , the dinner table chair is probably worthy of a post of it 's own ) . I saw I quote today from Michael Grunwald in Time magazine that I really like . " do what you think is right while you 've got the power to do it . When you finally get the keys to the government car , drive it . " It 's something that I struggle with on a regular basis . MomC and I used to skirmish a lot of what we should do about various problems that the boys have . One of the things that I 've enjoyed post divorce is realizing that I don 't have to get her agreement . Two summers ago I arranged for Middle Son to spend a week at Easter Seals Camp Stand By Me . Shortly before he left for camp , MomC said she didn 't think he 'd be able to handle it and we shouldn 't send him . And I said I 've paid for it , I think he should go , and if there are problems I 'll take care of it . We 'll never find out what his is capable of if we don 't push the envelop occasionally . So he went . By all indications he had a great time . They sent back a CD of pictures and there were lots of pictures of him with a huge smile on his face . Getting the service dog for him was another example . We 'd talked on and off for several years about getting a dog for him , and MomC had said that she 'd work on it . And nothing happened . When Middle Son started climbing over the fence at her house and wandering the neighborhood , I decided to exercise my power . Within 8 weeks , I had a contract signed and a dog in training . We 've had Willow for a year now , and Middle Son has stopped climbing over MomC 's fence , even though Willow doesn 't go to her house . The Mother - of - my - Children ( a . k . a . the ex - wife , hereafter referred to as MomC ) wanted me to take Middle Son tonight , because Youngest Son 's birthday party is this weekend , and she 's " got a lot of work to do to get the house ready for the party . " Apparently it will be too hard if Middle Son is at her house sick . She also asked " what are we going to do if he 's sick tomorrow ? " She wants me to take him . The fact that I have to work at the job that supports the entire family ( she still doesn 't have a job ) apparently didn 't occur to her . Sometimes I wonder what she thinks her responsibilities to Middle Son ( and Oldest Son ) are . It often appears to me that she doesn 't really think it 's her job to deal with their problems - - that 's my job . I don 't get that sense with regards to Youngest . The problems of Youngest are pretty minor compared to the challenges that arise with Oldest , and especially compared to Middle Son . I don 't know if that 's all it is , or if there is more to it somehow . My ex is worried that Middle Son is sick and won 't be able to go to school tomorrow . It 's always hard to figure out what to do if he is sick . Or for that matter , how to tell if he is sick . He also tends to get frustrated pretty quickly . He often ends up too agitated to keep going . Last week when he was at my house , he seemed to be doing better . This afternoon I got a text from my ex . She said Oldest has back science homework he needs to catch up on this weekend . She said she 's not sure she can keep him on track and asked if he could come to my house to do his homework . I said yes , bring him over on Sunday evening . I 'm not happy about loosing part of my free weekend because she can 't get him to do his homework , but I want him to get the work done . He needs to pass his science class . Tonight Middle Son was at my house and Oldest and Youngest were with their mother . I got home a little late ( we 're at the Let 's All Go Crazy Now stage of software development at work ) . My nanny doesn 't feed the kids until I get home . She said Middle was clearly hungry , so she had put some food on his plate and told him he could eat . And he didn 't eat . Even with the food sitting there in front of him , he still waited for me to get home before he started to eat . Habits set deeply for him . A friend of mine is currently going through the developmental evaluation process with his 2 year old . He 's concerned that his son has autism . I was watching the expressions play across his face as he was telling me about it . Brought back a lot of scary memories for me . I hope that I will be able to offer him some help and reassurance as he goes through this process . Middle Son has a service dog , Willow , who we 've had for about a year now . Middle Son is a wanderer . Given the opportunity he will slip out unlocked doors , open windows , or climb over fences . Any time he goes outside , I strap the dog to his belt . It 's very difficult for a 12 year old to climb over a fence with a 90 pound dog strapped to his waist . Yesterday we went to the grocery store . It was me , Youngest Son , Middle Son , and Willow . I forgot to put Middle Son 's belt on , so I had him hold the leash . It seemed like he and Willow had a lot more trouble than usual . Willow was distracted and looking at other things , Middle Son kept pulling in different directions , etc . I got official confirmation that Middle Son can now open childproof locks . I found him eating from a bottle of gummy vitamins . He had the lid in one hand , and was eating straight out of the bottle . Later in the day , he came running out of his room and said " Daddy , come look and see how tidy my room is ! " It was picked up , nothing on the floor . I was slightly amazed . He told me later that he had put some things under the bed . Youngest Son is turning 5 in a couple of weeks . I was talking to my ex about his birthday party yesterday . She said that he told her that he 's having a " surprise cowboy party . " I 'm concerned about the science teacher . They have a new science curriculum that is " exploratory . " The students make lots of choices about how the go through the material , and there is less directed learning . That 's difficult for Oldest , his Asperger 's gets in the way of that sort of executive function . The science teacher said something to the effect of not understanding why Oldest was having trouble with this . I got the sense that she doesn 't think he should need accommodations . Oldest is smart , and he 's able to do the work , but he has major trouble organizing things , and his thought process tends to be slow . It 's always frustrating to see a teacher that doesn 't want to provide accommodation because he seems " normal " enough . A couple of weeks ago I cut Middle Son 's hair . I had someone helping me , but it still a huge ordeal . By the time it was done I had bruises , and one of the towel rods in my bathroom had been torn off the wall . I was talking with my care - giver about it last night . She had been talking with my ex about , and about how long Middle Son 's nails are ( which was something we talked with his teachers about at school last week ) . The care giver said that normally she 's opposed to sedatives , but in Middle Son 's case she thought it was worth talking to his doctor and getting a prescription so that we could do " hygiene day " every 2 - 3 months . I think that is a good idea . I can usually manage to trim his finger nails without a big struggle . Toe nails are harder . And frankly , I 'm not sure I can cut his hair safely any more . This morning a case worker from the Department of Developmental Disabilities came out to do Middle Son 's annual eligibility evaluation . It was pretty mundane . Unsurprisingly , he still qualifies for services . I did get a kick out of one thing that she said . This was the first time we 've done the evaluation at my house . In previous years it has been at my ex 's house . The case worker commented about how calm and peaceful things were at my house . She said that must be a relief to have things so much more peaceful . Since the divorce , that 's been one of my primary goals . I want a calm , orderly household for myself and my children . I think that is important for all children , but it is especially important for kids with autism . Middle Son is hugely oriented around routines , doing the same thing in the same way at the same time . I think that is a significant part of why his behavior is better at my house . Oldest Son 's high school is giving out laptops to all students to use for the school year . There is a form that has to be filled out , signed , and turned in to the English teacher . It 's due today , so last night we printed out the form and signed it . I asked him where he was going to put it so that he would remember to turn it in . He said that he would put it in the front of his binder . This morning , as he was about to leave , I asked him if he had the form in his binder . He said he thought so . I looked on the kitchen table and saw that the form was still there . He grabbed it and stuck it in the middle of his binder . I reminded him that he 'd said he was going to put it in the front . So he moved it . Yesterday afternoon , I got a text from my ex - wife . She said that Middle Son keeps taking his clothes off and it was driving her crazy . She wanted to know what he does at my house . I texted back that I let him be naked in his room and the bathroom , and occasionally he runs from his room to the bathroom naked . She said that that was what he is doing at her house . But he 's going from his bedroom to the bathroom at the other end of the house , instead of the bathroom next to his room . So he 's running naked the entire length of the house . We had Middle Son 's special ed eligibility meeting yesterday . One of the things that we talked about was the fact that he rarely uses both hands when he is doing something . He also doesn 't cross hands from one side of his body to the other very often . Which is a developmental level typically meet in toddlerhood . We were trying to think of things that he uses both hands for , and had a hard time coming up with things . I 'm extremely fortunate financially - - I earn enough money to be able to pay for a care - giver who is specially trained and has specific experience caring for children and adults with special needs . Last year I spent about $ 40 , 000 on care for Middle Son to make sure that he had appropriate supervision after school and during the summer . Plus a couple of thousand more for his medical expenses ( neurologist , seizure medications , etc . ) . And several thousand for social skills groups and other costs for Oldest Son . My total expenditures related to their special needs were probably close to $ 50 , 000 . According to Census data , that 's about the median household income in the US . Very few parents can cover those kinds of expenses . Today , divorce law largely ignores the economic problems faced by the divorced parent of a special needs child . We need a new post - divorce remedy , which I am calling " chalimony . " It would be available to the parent with whom the disabled or chronically ill child lives most of the time if that caregiver is unable to be employed full - time because of the child 's special needs . The child 's other parent could avoid paying chalimony if he or she were meeting enough of the child 's needs to permit the primary parent to work full - time . I remember a conversation with my ex shortly after we got divorced in which she complained that she would never be able to work . Exactly the short of situation that Czpanskiy is envisioning . Ultimately , we resolved it by having Middle Son move in with me , and I hired a paid caregiver . But if I hadn 't had the financial resources to do that , I don 't know how we could have addressed the problem . can ALWAYS tell who knows about his autism and who doesn 't . As he is humming or giggling or spinning or jumping , the people who know look at him warmly and affectionately . The ones who don 't glare and scowl . " When he messed up , people were coming up to me after shows and saying ' Is your dad drunk or is he using again ? ' It upset me . Now this is out they 're just going to be supporting and loving him rather than angry that they paid to see him . " I think all parents feel that way about their children . But when you have a developmentally disabled child , those feelings are especially powerful . I know that Middle Son will never be able to take care of himself . He will always need someone to be his guardian .

Second book of the " Michael Nicolau Series " , this novel follows thirty - three years in the life of Michael Nicolau . The story takes us on the long path of Michael 's soul - searching and understanding of circumstances that brought him to become a dishonored and homeless man living in the Bowery Mission , a New York City shelter . Eager to vindicate himself and his actions , he speaks about his life for hours , day after day , to a social worker in the Bowery Mission . At the same time comic and tragic , villain and hero , Michael is wrestling with the concepts of truth , reality , hope , fate , love , and honor . In his words , truth and reality are just our personal perceptions of the things and conditions we see , hear or feel . Likewise , the whole idea of honor is very abstract and subject to cultural interpretations . As the story unfolds , his social worker discovers many faces of Michael Nicolau : a boy that never grew up ; incurable and passionate lover ; master of manipulation and deception ; lonely and misunderstood soul ; tragic victim of his own dreams ; heartless and selfish man . Which one is true and which one false ? Are they all expressions of the one and the same personality ? Michael arrived to New York around seven o ' clock in the evening on Wednesday . It was early March , and it was already dark when he walked out of the International Arrivals at JFK . It was cold and wet evening , with rain drizzling on the sidewalk in front of the airport terminal , filled with people pulling and carrying their luggage and walking in all directions . Michael stopped under the glass canopy in front of the building entrance and lit a cigarette . He hadn 't smoked in more than twelve hours on the plane from Bucharest to Paris and then from Paris to New York , and he really needed a smoke . He didn 't want to admit it to himself , but he was quite nervous . When he left New York three years ago , he was fifty years old , still married , had an apartment in Brooklyn , a functioning business , and lots of friends . And now upon his return , he was divorced and didn 't have a place to stay . His ex - wife , already grownup daughters , and many friends didn 't want to talk to him . He had no source of income and only two hundred and thirty dollars in his pocket . However , he was glad to be back . The mess he made in Bucharest was becoming unsolvable and dangerous , and the only way out was to run away back to New York , put himself back in order and try to fix his problems from there . He still didn 't know what he would do or how he would proceed , but he knew that he had only three days to find a solution . A room in the YMCA Hostel in Flushing , Queens was sixty dollars per night . He just had enough for three nights , and that is where he planned to stay until he figured out his next move . If he didn 't come up with anything , he would find himself out on the street . He really didn 't want that . But at that moment , he was just tired and wanted to find the fastest and cheapest way to get to Flushing . He took the Air train to Jamaica Station , and from there he took a bus to Flushing . It was a long ride and he arrived at Flushing a little bit before nine . From the bus station to the YMCA was only a couple of blocks and he checked into the Hostel soon after . The room was small but warm , with only one twin size bed , a table , dresser with a mirror and TV . The bathroom was outside at the end of the hallway . Michael unpacked his backpack . He had only two shirts , one sweater , two pairs of underwear , two pairs of socks , and his laptop in there . Besides the clothing he was wearing - a black suit , black dress shirt , black shoes , socks , underwear , leather spring jacket and silk scarf , those were all the belongings he had . He walked out to buy some food and toiletries at the pharmacy on Main Street . The rain was still drizzling , but it didn 't bother him . He looked at the people walking around . They were mostly Korean . Flushing was predominantly a Korean neighborhood with lots of ethnic stores and restaurants . Michael knew this area very well . Many years back , he lived there for a couple of years with his wife and kids . It was before they finally moved to Brooklyn . Walking down the street brought memories back to him . He looked at the familiar storefronts , buildings , bakery on the corner of Main Street and Roosevelt Avenue . He passed by the building where they used to live and could almost hear the voices of his daughters from the past talking to him . Melancholy took over him for a moment , but he knew it was a past that couldn 't come back . He should snap out of it and think about his present situation . Three days will pass fast and he had to find a way of surviving in New York , he thought . He stopped by the subway station and bought a weekly train pass . He would have to move around a lot in those days and that was the best way of transportation in the city . In the pharmacy he bought a toothbrush , toothpaste , soap , deodorant , shaving cream and razor , and a large bag of potato chips . He was left with fifteen dollars after these purchases , so he decided to buy a small bottle of wine for five dollars to celebrate his return to New York . The rest he would keep for food for the following days . He had two packs of cigarettes already , so he was set - he thought . As long as he manages to find a solution in next couple of days . Back in the hostel room , he took off his shoes , turned on the TV and sat on the bed . There was no cable , only basic channels , so he turned on the local ten - o ' clock news . It had been a long time since he had watched NY local news ; but he really couldn 't concentrate on the news . The sound of the TV was just an audio reminder of the fact of where he was . Like background noise . He was back in New York with no money and nobody to turn to for help . In his mind it was still better than remaining back in Bucharest . Back there it was just a matter of time until he ended up in the jail or dead . He was too deep in trouble , and the only solution was to run away . But now he had to think and act fast if he didn 't want to find himself on the street . He had to find a place to stay and a source of income . Michael opened the wine bottle . He was lucky that it was a screw top . If it had been a cork he would have had a hard time opening it . He poured wine in the small plastic cup that he had found on the desk in the hotel room , looked into his image in the mirror on the dresser across the bed , and raised the cup up saying to himself : " Salute Michael . Welcome back to New York . " He wasn 't happy with what he was seeing in the mirror . His hair and beard were grayer than before . He was seeing wrinkles on his face that were not there just a year ago . He looked older and troubled . The once constant glitter in his eyes that was almost his trademark for many years , was now completely gone . He was a tired and defeated man . In the past few months he lost quite a bit of weight , and for a normally six - foot - tall slim man , he now looked like a shadow of himself . Michael took a small black Moleskine notebook from his backpack and started looking through it . In there were written all his contacts for the last few years - all his friends , business associates and relatives . He went slowly from one name to another down the list . To most of the people on the list he owed something , a favor or money , so he couldn 't call them to ask for anything . The rest were still close friends of his ex - wife and those he couldn 't call either . He was thinking about his past and the many people he met while living in New York . He really never knew how to maintain and nourish friendships . Most of his friends he would call only when he needed something , and then he would not call them again until the next time he needed a favor . People were noticing that and often commented to him about his bad habit . He knew the importance of always keeping doors open behind him in any type of relationship , but somehow he always managed to shut the doors , and lose any opportunity to renew or come back to a given association or friendship . So , after twenty years of life in New York , the list of people that he could potentially turn to for help was really very short . He selected a couple of names of people with whom he might have some chance and copied their phone numbers on a piece of paper . He will call them tomorrow , he thought . Michael was tired but he couldn 't sleep . After he finished the bottle of wine , sleep finally took over him . He was woken up by the noise of the garbage truck early in the morning . He went to the bathroom , and took a long shower . He got dressed , put his laptop in the backpack , and walked out onto the street . It was a wet and cloudy Thursday morning , cold , with no sun . Michael stopped by McDonald 's and bought coffee to drink on the train . He decided to go to the Barnes and Noble bookstore on Union Square . They had free Wi - Fi there and he needed to check his mail and look on Craigslist for potential employment opportunities . He didn 't really know if he would find anything . The It was around eight when Michael made it to Union Square . It was just then when he realized that Barnes and Noble opened at ten , and that he would have to walk around till then . He could go to Starbucks and sit there , but that would mean spending an extra two dollars for the coffee . So he decided to walk . He walked uptown Broadway to 23rd street , then crossed to Park Avenue , and back down to Union square . In two hours he had made several circles already . He was looking at busy people passing by him . They were all going somewhere . Rushing to get to work or to school , or back home from work . It seemed to him that he was the only one walking aimlessly , slowly , waiting for time to pass . He felt like everybody passing by him knew that . Up until three years ago he was one of those busy people rushing around New York with a purpose . Now everything changed , he thought . He was a homeless man with a few bucks in his pocket and with no visible perspective . Only God knew how he would get out of this position that he brought himself to . He stopped in front of Barnes and Noble ten minutes before ten . A few people were already there waiting for the doors to open . Some of them were early customers who wanted to buy a book or a magazine , or just have a cup of coffee in the cozy bookstore café . Others were homeless people , unshaven and smelly , who wanted to use the facilities or hide in some corner trying to rest and warm up while pretending they were looking for a book . Michael knew that the only thing making him different than these homeless men were two more paid nights in the YMCA Hostel and a few dollars in his pocket . Michael entered the store and went to the third floor café . He was one of the first people arriving there , so he was able to pick a table next to the window overlooking Union Square . It was a good spot to spend the next few hours . He could organize himself , make some kind of plan , do research online , and figure out his options . Just brewed dark roast coffee smelled inviting . He bought a small coffee and a glazed donut . This would be his only food for the whole day , he thought . He couldn 't afford more , if he was to eat something the next two days . He logged into Craigslist but couldn 't find any jobs there that looked promising . But that wasn 't the only problem . Being self - employed for so many years didn 't give him many employment references . He didn 't know who he would put as a reference even if he did find a position to apply for . Michael looked at his G oogle email account . There were several unpleasant emails from his , now former , business associates in Bucharest . By now , they realized that something went wrong and that he disappeared . He was sure that they were already in panic and looking for him in his apartment and office . If nothing else , he was at least saved from their wrath . He knew that he was in a tight corner when they brought that nasty looking loan - shark to his Bucharest apartment two days ago . " Michael , everything that you owed us , you now owe to him , and he wants it back in forty eight hours , " they told him . One look at this man was enough for Michael to realize that the line was crossed , and if he didn 't want to end up in the gutter on the outskirts of Bucharest , he had to run . It wasn 't an easy decision to make . Three years ago , when he left New York and went to Bucharest , he intended to stay there and never return . He had a small apartment there , a cat , a twenty - four year old girlfriend , and friends that he liked to hang out with in neighborhood café bars . If not for the disastrous book publishing business that he started there , the source of all his troubles , life in Bucharest would have been quite pleasant . And now he was sitting in the Barnes and Noble café trying to figure out what to do next . He looked one more time through his Moleskine note book , but besides two names that he picked last night he couldn 't call anybody else . One of them was Jack Rothstein . He was a banker , working in the New York o ffice of the Deutsche Bank on Park Avenue . Michael knew him and his partner , Mark , from the Grolier Club , where Michael was a member for many years . Michael thought that they both still liked him . He use to borrow small sums of money from Jack , but he would always return it , so he thought , if nothing else , he was in good standing with them . Also , he never showed any prejudice towards two gay people living together , as many other members of the club had . Michael always thought that both of them respected that . The other one was David Elliot . He was a marketing executive living in Greenwich , Connecticut . Michael knew him from the Masonic Lodge . For almost twenty years they were both members of the Lafayette Lodge No . 30 in the Grand Lodge of New York . Michael left Freemasonry abruptly in 2008 , but he thought that David still liked him and that he would be willing to help . Years back , David lost a lot of money i n the stock market , and Michael was one of many friends who helped him get back on his feet and restart his business . He hoped that David remembered that . Michael decided to send an email to Jack explaining his situation instead of calling him . He wasn 't sure if Jack 's old number still worked . He wrote a short email telling Jack that he had been in Romania for three years , where he lost all of his money in a failed business venture , that he came back to New York and that he was looking for a place to stay for a while , a job , and maybe a small loan to put himself back together . He didn 't want to go too much into details . He wasn 't sure , if Jack and Mark were still in touch with his ex - wife , and she was the last person in the world he would want to share his troubles with now . He sent the email . As he was sending it , he was thinking how sad his situation was . He had in his Gmail contact list , over seven thousand addresses of family members , friends , business associates , acquaintances , and many others , that he had come across or gotten to know over many years of living in New York . And now , out of all these people , he could only ask two for help . He was asking himself what kind of person was he that went through life like the elephant through the china shop , leaving just damage behind . How was it possible that he could not maintain any of his relationships with the people around him ? " I am back in New York and not very good . It is the reason I 'm calling you . I 'm not sure how much you know about my ventures lately , but I spent the last three years in Romania , trying to do a publishing business there , and I lost all my money in those investments , and now , I 'm back in New York and not in very good shape . I am looking for a job and for a place to stay . Also , I am out of money and I was going to ask you for small loan of a few hundred dollars , to help me until I put myself back together . I 'm really in bad shape , my friend , and there are not too many people I can turn to for a help . " " I am sorry to hear this Michael . I wish I could help you . But things are not very good for me lately as well . Business is not good , my wife hasn 't been working for a year , and I myself keep borrowing money , left and right in order to pay my bills . It is not easy . My monthly expenses are really high . So , tough luck when it comes to money . But a friend of mine is opening a new marketing company , and he may need writers . I can give you his phone number . You can call him and mention my name . This is as much as I can do . Really sorry , bro . " " David , I 'm embarrassed to say this , but really , anything would help . I am down to my last ten bucks and have two more nights in the YMCA paid . If I don 't do something , I 'll be on the street next . I really need immediate help , if you know what I mean . " " Sorry Michael , but I can 't do anything . I could ask some of the other Brothers from our Lodge , but you didn 't leave on good terms . I will ask anyway . Did you talk to your ex - wife ? " No , David , don 't spread this . I don 't want others to know about my situation . Especially not my ex - wife . Can you give me your friend 's number , please ? " David gave him a phone number , and said , " I am really sorry Michael . I have to take another call now . Good luck to you . " H e hung up . Michael spent the rest of the afternoon walking around . He went all the way up Park Avenue to 96th street , then across to Central Park , through it to the West side , and down Broadway back to Union Square . He wasn 't tired , but his backpack felt heavier after a while . Its weight made him feel uncomfortable . In the evening he went to McDonald 's to take a break and check his email . He ordered coffee . It was 99 cents , half price of the coffee at Barnes and Noble . It is true that Barnes and Noble 's café was a much cozier and comfortable place , but McDonald 's had Wi - Fi , too . There was no answer from Jack . This wasn 't good . Michael knew Jack well enough to know that he was very diligent when it came to correspondence . He never left his mail unanswered , regardless of how frivolous or unimportant they were . Was it possible that Jack would ignore him and his plea for help ? Not even answer it with a yes or no ; just ignore it ? When Michael walked out of McDonald 's , it was already nine in the evening . It was chilly for March , but still pleasant . Union Square was all lit up by the lights from the surrounding stores . People were walking in all directions across Union Square . There were so many beautiful young women passing by . Michael could not help but notice them . He was standing in the middle of the plateau on the square smoking a cigarette and watching girls pass by . He was thinking of times passed when he was the one walking across Union Square to the clubs and restaurants . He was wondering if times like that will ever return . Michael returned to Flushing to his h ostel room . The first day back in New York wasn 't very successful . He felt like he wanted to drink something , to forget the situation he was in , but he didn 't have enough money . If he bought wine again , he would be left without any money , and he couldn 't do that . He was looking at the TV screen without really watching the program . His mind was blocked . He wanted desperately to find a solution . Yes , so far it worked out . He was able to escape from Bucharest , but what now ? Nothing was coming to his mind . It was making him nervous . What if , he doesn 't figure out anything ? What would he do next ? He couldn 't sit in the room . He needed a smoke . So he went out and walked around Flushing desperately trying to come up with an idea . His Romanian prepaid mobile phone rang . He still had some money on it , so it was still working . It was his girlfriend from Bucharest calling . He answered . " Not good , Michael . I miss you . You didn 't call . You made me worried . I couldn 't sleep . Are you already in New York ? " " Yes , I am in New York . I wasn 't sure how much money I had on my phone . That is why I didn 't call . I was going to write you a long email tonight . " " Michael , when I came back from work last night , Volodya was in front of my building with two other scary looking men sitting in a car and waiting . They put me in the back seat and they drove to your place . They were parked there for two hours waiting for you . He was asking about your whereabouts and threatening me . I told him that you went to New York and that you are coming back in a week , but he didn 't believe me . He was saying that you would never travel anywhere without me . The man sitting next to me in the back smacked me in the face with his fist and told me that if I didn 't tell them where you really were that they would rape me and then slash me with a knife . It was only when I started crying that Volodya opened the side door and they kicked me out . I still have a black eye and my cheek is swollen . I am afraid , Michael . My father was very angry when he saw me and I couldn 't tell him the truth about what happened and why . These men are dangerous , Michael . I am afraid that they are going to show up again . " " Please , don 't worry Eliza . I will call Volodya and talk to him . They will not show up any more . And have patience , my love . As soon as I settle here , I will send you a ticket to come and be with me . It will be before the end of the month , I promise you that . I love you so much and I miss you . " " Oh , Michael , I need you next to me . I am used to sleeping in your bed with you . Please , rush with whatever it is that you have to do . I want to be next to you . I need your arms around me . I love you , Michael . " " I love you , too , Eliza . Everything will be ok . You will see . Don 't worry . I have to stop now . I think that I am running out of money . Good night my love and sleep well . Kisses . " Michael pressed the stop button on his phone . He was upset that Volodya got to Eliza . He felt guilty for what had happened . His hands were shaking . He wanted to scream . But all he did was light up another cigarette . He felt helpless . He really loved Eliza , yet he left her there , knowing full well that Volodya would try to get to him through her . It was not like he had a choice . He didn 't have any money . Even the money that helped him to run away to New York , he took from Volodya under false pretenses . That probably made Volodya even angrier realizing that his money enabled Michael to disappear . He must have felt really stupid . And the story about settling in New York and sending her an airplane ticket soon was a lie . There was no way that he would be able to settle down by the end of the month and have enough money to get her a ticket . It could only happen by some miracle or if he robbed a bank - and didn 't get caught . It wasn 't like Michael was lying on purpose , like he wanted to deceive her . He really wanted to bring her to New York . The problem was that he didn 't know himself , how and when . He never told her that there was nothing waiting for him in New York anymore . That he would have to start from the beginning , just as he did twenty - five years ago , when he first came to New York . Even worse . Then he had a place to stay , and he had a job right away . Now he had neither . He was lying about calling Volodya too . He knew it would not be good . By calling him and asking him to leave Eliza alone , it would just show that he cared about her , and they would go after her even more . The only chance was to ignore Volodya completely . They would calm down after a while , he knew that . Comments ( 0 ) Write a comment

Had a wonderful birthday . The usual hassles of scheduling a date with Hubby , with Mom and Dad as babysitters , should have been easier because Hubby was in town . However , a storm on Saturday ( yesterday ) and tickets my mom had to the Tabernacle Christmas concert , and a nasty sore throat that Hubby and I both got earlier in the week complicated things to the point that my celebration with Mom and Dad as well as them babysitting for us , got put off for a while . Hubby and the girls and I went out to dinner on Friday , my birthday , at Red Lobster . It 's usually a pretty safe bet as the girls like Crab and fish okay . It was all right , not fabulous , as Thing 1 wasn 't wild about her fish , though she did eat most of it . Thing 2 was pretty okay with her crab , though it took Hubby a lot of time to get it out of the shell for her , despite having upgraded to king crab legs instead of the normal little snow crab legs . Hubby made a spice cake for me yesterday , and he and the girls got me some lovely presents . Hubby had let me know that he was looking for something in the mail for me , and I stupidly found it amusing that here I am , in trouble for Christmas shopping in July because the girls end up changing their minds … and I am married to this overnight shipping guy . Only to find that he DID order my gift two weeks ago , and thought he had plenty of time to get it here , but as it was coming from SCOTLAND it took longer than he thought , and so didn 't make it here until Saturday , thus throwing our family celebration off a day . He gave me a beautiful brooch and locket from a place called Heather Gems , the factory of which we visited in Scotland when we were there . Ironically , I guess he took the girls somewhere that has Scottish stuff and Thing 2 picked out a Heather Gems necklace and earring set . Thing 1 picked out a cute little inch high mouse figurine , that I admired appropriately and then put in the display case . Hubby told me later that apparently those are COLLECTIBLE figurines , and the first one she picked out was a retirePosted by I love their hugs . The girls squeeze so tight and so sincerely . . Thing 1 used to give monkey hugs with her arms around my neck and legs around my waist … Thing 2 squeezes so tight I think she 's going to pop my head off … But at 2 : 30 am … or 5 : 30 am … any of those early morning hours , being woken up to walk into their room for the sole purpose of being hugged , my enthusiasm wanes . As expected , dad 's Angioplasty revealed his heart is healthy and fabulous . The heart of a man 25 years younger . The Doctor said he 's short of breath because he 's so anemic . It was looking like his bones might be dying , not producing any iron or anything . This hints at leukemia . So they went back to home , north 80 miles , from the hospital where the tests were done . Long story short , turns out his bones aren 't dead - ruling out leukemia and other bone cancery sort of things . He just had a colonoscopy three years ago , so today they 're going to look at upper GI tract sorts of possibilities of something bleeding out into his body . That happens later this afternoon . We left for our Orlando vacation on the 12th . I picked the girls up after a morning of school and we flew to Atlanta , then changed planes and went to Orlando . Unfortunately our luggage didn 't make the plane change . Hubby was there to meet us and took us back to the hotel . As we were letting them know about the luggage Hubby and I discovered we 'd had a miscommunication about the hotel dates . I had reserved a Disney hotel for Friday and Saturday nights , but Hubby had told them we 'd be checking out of the conference hotel on Thursday morning . He seemed to think that the conference would cover us for one more night , but he seemed a little unsure to me . Again , continuing the miscommunication , I figured it would be cheaper to stay at the Disney hotel an extra night than to pay for the fancy conference hotel . So Thursday morning I got on the phone with Disney , and got us another room . As he was getting out of the shower I told him it would be easier for me to stay in the conference hotel one more day while we 're swimming at the pool … and at that point I learned that he firmly believed it wouldn 't have been a problem for us to get the conference to cover us for another night . Oh well … too late . So the girls and I had breakfast , then put on our swimming suits and packed up the hotel room , moved all the luggage to the rental car , then went swimming . We saw lizards . . . lots of them , around the pool . The girls loved it . Everything was fine until around 3 : 00 . Suddenly Thing 2 told me her stomach hurt … badly . I didn 't know what to do . She just seemed miserable . I sort of panicked , since I didn 't have a comfortable hotel room to take her to , and didn 't have anything in particular to entertain Thing while Thing 2 was resting comfortably on a couch somewhere , I decided to take them both to the Disney hotel and check in . I had my first experience with Hubby 's navigator thing . It is lovely . Thing 2 fell asleep in the car on the way over . We had dinner at a restaurant in downtown Disney called the T - rex experience or something like that . Very noisy , very crowded … and they lost Hubby and my orders . We didn 't get our food until long after the girls had finished . The next day ( Friday ) we went to Magic Kingdom . It seems like it takes us a while to get started , and it was somewhat crowded but not terrible . Half the problem was figuring out what we wanted to do , and where we wanted to eat . It was also really hot . Th girls were both complaining of being hot and tired … . Then Thing 2 really collapsed and just wanted to sleep . I told Hubby and Thing 1 to go ride some rides and I took Thing 2 on a search for some frozen lemonade , I thought that might make both of us feel better . I got some fairly close to where we left Hubby and Thing 1 , and found a table . She almost immediately laid down across a couple of stools and fell asleep . I ate the lemonade and watched all the people go by . Hubby came back around 5 : 00 . He and Thing 1 had been riding rides and shopping . So we decided to swap . I 'd go ride a few rides with Thing 1 , and he 'd stay with Thing 2 . We went on Thunder mountain , and Thing 1 decided she 'd be okay on Splash mountain . We had just gotten on the ride when I got a text from Huby saying Thing 2 had woken up and was throwing up . By the time we got off the ride , she 'd thrown up twice . It was close to 6 : 00 . Thing 1 and I raced back to them , and we picked up Thing 2 and hustled back to the bus , and back to the hotel . She threw up on the trip back into a plastic bag that her toy of the day , a stuffed rottweiller , had come in . Hubby and Thing 1 left me and Thing 2 watching TV at the hotel room , and went to downtown Disney to get Thing 1 's prize for the day , a build - a - dino at the T - rex store . Thing 2 seemed to be better and went to bed around 9 : 00 , but woke up just enough to throw up twice more before about 11 : 00 . Hubby and Thing 1 got in around 10 : 30 , but had a marvelous time , and she was thrilled with her dino . Saturday was our last full day , and we planned on going to Animal Kingdom . Thing 2 woke up and seemed just fine , so we went with the intention of renting a double stroller for her to ride in , and for Thing 1 to ride in if she wanted . That worked well . Thing 2 rode most of the day , Thing 1 rode with her some … and they had a nice time . Thing 2 was a little tired , as you 'd expect from someone recovering from the stomach flu , but all in all it was a nice day . We left the park early , around 5 : 30 , without having seen all the shows we might have liked to see . But considering what we were working with , I think we did good . We had dinner at planet Hollywood in Downtown Disney . Thing 2 fell asleep in the way over and I struggled to wake her up once her food came . She didn 't eat much , but was cheerful and feeling better . The big change came in Hubby . He just seemed psyched to be there , and to have a good meal . He had a great evening . The girls were very excited to go fishing , which they did while I did a little last minute shopping . Hubby stayed with them to bait the hooks and take pictures should anyone actually catch anything , which neither of them did . I bought a Christmas ornament , and a new watch … minor stuff . The flight back seemed incredibly long . Thing 2 and I sat together , and Hubby and Thing 1 sat together . I had my work cut out for me entertaining Thing 2 , but Hubby just let Thing 1 play a game on his i - phone . The whole trip was a lovely , if somewhat short . . I think a lot of what made it work so well was staying on the Disney property , as compared with last time we went when we stayed at another hotel that was by downtown Disney , but wasn 't affiliated with Disney . One thing I probably would have done different , though , was after we woke up on Thursday since we were staying at a Disney hotel that night , instead of swimming in the conference pool , I would have packed up and headed off to the Disney pool and gone swimming there all day . In retrospect it would have worked out better - a more interesting pool for the kids , and somewhere to rest when Thing 2 got sick . But at the time , we did what we could with the information we had . The primary program went really well yesterday . How could it go wrong when the kids were so heavily involved ? I had several people comment to me after … and others tell me reports 2nd hand of praise for it . My name kept getting mentioned as having written it , which is nice … but a little embarrassing . Hubby is in Orlando . We leave to join him on Wednesday . Which means I have to get packed . I am completely not ready . I didn 't get my house cleaned … and things keep piling up on top of everything else . I 'm fighting a cold , which would be miserable to take with me to Florida . The girls are getting pretty excited . My Dad is going for an angiogram or angioplasty tomorrow . We don 't really know which . Apparently this is pretty common , but it seems a little scary to us . The push to get out the door in the morning is killing me . I pause for one moment , to gather clothes , to start breakfast , whatever , and the girls slip away and turn on the TV . And once they do that , the battle lines are drawn . I can 't get them out from in front of it . I call cheerily . Nothing . I call louder , still cheery . Nothing . I start to bark . I bark more . I become a rabid seething pit bull . Finally they trudge in and sit down to breakfast . But they 're surly . They 're angry at me for interrupting their lives . We eat . If I 'm not sitting right on top of them , they slink back to the TV , usually . And we go through the same routine , minus two or three of the cheery calls and go straight to a sort of bark . This morning , Thing 1 became upset during her breakfast when a package of plastic and cardboard encased magnets I had left on the table dropped into her cereal . She determined her cereal contaminated and was unable to finish . Since we 'd already had an argument that she takes too much milk ( I can tell by the two inches of it left in her cereal bowl each morning ) I got my back up and put my foot down and refused to start over with more milk and cereal . She asked for some applesauce , which is what Thing 2 had for breakfast . About this time , I intercepted Thing 2 after her breakfast and got her dressed while Thing 1 was eating applesauce . I took Thing 2 into the bathroom to brush her teeth and comb her hair , and heard a strange noise … I poked my head out and sure enough , Thing 1 is not getting dressed . She 's in the toy room playing with a helium balloon that was left over from Halloween . Being careful to not be too frantic - because me being frantic turns her into cold tar … I put my hands on her back and tummy and said softly " Can you please go get yourself dressed ? " I went back to Thing 2 's hair and teeth . I came out a few minutes later to find Thing 1 now playing with the balloon in the kitchen , standing next to her clothes . I grab her clothes , grab her , and she immediately resists and starts howlPosted by This morning was very rainy . Now normally it is simply a huge problem for me to get the girls out the door on time . Rain , of course , just adds to the trouble with the inclusion of more appropriate footwear , coats , and umbrellas . Normally we often run , and sometimes I give up and we drive the four or so blocks . It takes us 7 to 10 minutes to walk them … With the added problems of puddles and holding umbrellas , I should have driven today . But I didn 't . I gave them each their umbrella … and took the big golf umbrella myself and out the door we went . Thing 1 kept bopping herself with her umbrella when she 'd do anything faster than a slow walk , and her whimpering as she tagged along half a block behind be became increasingly annoying . Thing 2 couldn 't walk and hold her umbrella at all , for some reason . So I folded hers up , carried it under my arm , and told her to stay close to me . Pretty soon I had both girls walking under my umbrella , staying close so as to not get wet but interfering profoundly with my ability to walk without tripping over one or the other of them , with their umbrellas folded up dripping onto me . Of course there were plenty of overflowing gutters that I had to carry them across … and I can 't just lift them over the gutter and then leave them out in the street … I have to find a nice tree for one to stand under , shuttle the other one to safety on the other side of the street , find a tree to stand her by , then go back and get the other … by the time we get to school ( late ) I 'm all wet too , and I 'm realizing that my coat is less water resistant than I thought . I was about a block away coming home , carrying two wet umbrellas with my big one open , when this very enthusiastic half grown golden retriever runs up to me . Luckily it has a collar and a tag with a phone number , but unluckily I don 't carry my cell phone to school . The dog is obviously too stupid and rambunctious to stay out of the street . I hook my finger under its collar - it 's dancing around nearly taking my arm off - anPosted by I also picked up a new phone , or set of phones , I guess . This one is a vast improvement on our old phone . It is one phone with an answering machine , with two extra satellite handsets . The old one was starting to not work very well , and had always been crackly , and had a few features I didn 't like , and this one has corrected them . I spent quite a bit of time this morning and afternoon working on leaves . I decided to open the new leaf blower , which was brand new as a result of the old leaf blower breaking before the warranty expired and they sent me a new one . Well , I filled one bag with leaves , and the new one started sparking and smoking a little . Granted , the leaves were probably wetter than they should be . I decided I should switch to blowing instead of sucking . But I couldn 't get the sucking attachment off to save my soul . I think I 'm going to see if they will replace this one . I 'm ready to give up on the whole thing , I really like the vacuum aspect but if it doesn 't work , or breaks if I get a little water in it , it 's really not going to work for me . So I set to raking . Things 1 and 2 have been watching a lot of TV lately , and today was no exception . I am outside raking , and talking on the phone a little , and they are inside watching TV . My idea was to get to IKEA this evening , to exchange something I got in the wrong color , and I thought we 'd just have dinner out there . But Thing 2 starts whining that she can 't read her homework , then whines even more when I tell her to stop whining while I work with Thing 1 for a while , then whines even more when I put her in time out for whining … Ye gods ! ! ! The phrase " I 'll give you something to cry about ! " keeps dancing behind my eyes . I told them I am NOT taking any whiny girls to IKEA , it took us about three times longer to do homework than I expected , and now they 've wandered back to the TV and I should be making dinner . Sometimes I get a little resentful . As the mom , you take on just about every responsibility in the house . As the wife of a guy who travels , I take on most of the stuff he 'd do . I can 't help but feel bad for women whose husbands travel for extended periods to places where they 're in danger , at least my husband isn 't in the line of fire , he 's just in offices , airports , and hotel rooms … but it doesn 't stop me from getting frustrated at taking on the typically husbandly chores in addition to all of the wifely ones . I flat out don 't get how single parents do it . And keeping the girls entertained while I get these things done is the job of the TV . Which also chaps my hide . I hate that damn thing . Yet I find it completely helpful when I need them out of my hair . Sometimes I spend longer getting them involved in something else so I can accomplish something than I spend accomplishing the thing . Sigh . But right now I hate it . We had a busy month , and a good Halloween . The girls chose their costumes - Thing 1 was a spider and Thing 2 was a witch . Thing 1 drew extensive mock - ups and blue prints of her costume , making sure she had it just right in the design . I ordered a black hooded sweatshirt and pants on line , and bought corresponding fabric and the fabric store to provide the extra legs , and the cowl across her face where her red mandibles were to be . Thing 2 was a little easier . I simply let out her witch costume from last year , and added a little long skirt at the bottom . She already had a fabulous cape I had made her before , and a hat and broom we 'd picked up . Hubby took them trick - or - treating with some of the neighbor kids , I stayed home to mind the door . My folks came down , since Halloween is typically an event they look forward to missing . My dad hates to answer the door , and they don 't get many trick - or - treaters anyway , it just worked better for them to leave town . I 've been writing the primary sacrament meeting program . I had this idea that if they were telling stories they were comfortable with , even little kids could have bigger parts . We had our practice today , and I 'm not sure how well my idea is going to work . An unfortunate thing happened this morning . Hubby has been making a big wonderful breakfast on the weekends . He has recently added making some coffee for himself to his line - up . Coffee kind of comes and goes , sometimes he makes it for a while , but for several months he hasn 't . It made an appearance yesterday , and this morning . He makes coffee by packing the grounds into the bottom part of this little two part French press coffee urn thing , and then placing it on a kitchen burner turned on high , which percolates the water through the grounds and makes the kind of coffee he likes . So I also need to add that a couple of months ago our teapot finally bit the dust . Instead of replacing it with another teapot , I splurged a little and bought an electric tea kettle . I 'd heard about them , knew people who loved themPosted by So I don 't know what it was in my previous entry … but the internet was up and running the next day . Still haven 't figured out how to connect to the new scanner , but I do have the internet . The " home office " in the breakfast nook is my new favorite place to be . And the dining room is nearly completely back to normal . I cleaned up the TV room last night so we could have pizza and a movie , and for that hour at least , it was all done and clean . All that 's left is the office , the big project in the first place . I have to finish painting , clean off Jeff 's big ol ' desk , and get it out of there … then assemble the new one . My hope is to get that done this next week , though Jeff will be in town and possibly needing to take some calls in there . The shelves are looking great , and I put the lights on the top of them and rigged them up to come on with a new switch I mounted on the wall near the door on the stairs side … which is where we usually come in anyway . Considering that the light switch on the opposite side of the room doesn 't work for some reason , it 's nice to have at least one switch that does work . I 'm tickled about it . School is going very well , both girls love it . Thing 2 is so excited to get to kindergarten she hustles around in the morning . Thing 1 is less of a hustler , but I think she 's enjoying first grade . Mrs . McDonald , the kindergarten teacher , commented to me one day after I 'd volunteered that even though she has a very small class this year , she has a really young one . A lot of birthdays in July and August . She noted that while Thing 1 was slower than some of the rest of the class at completing her work each day because she was so meticulous and detailed in doing things exactly the way she wanted , Thing 2 seems to be slow because she 's distracted … just looking around and chatting and stuff . The couple times I 've watched her , the rest of the kids on her table can be half or completely done with something , and Thing 2 's paper is completely unmarked . I had an eye appointmentPosted by We had a great family party here for her birthday , and she had a lot of fun . We had breakfast , since it is her favorite meal of the day , and the family all came . It 's surprising to be able to celebrate her birthday so close to her actual birthday , but we did it the following weekend . There is no way I haven 't written in over a month . Things have been so busy , but I thought that surely I stopped and wrote down some things . The girls are in school . The house is a DISASTER as I am ( and should now be ) working on putting Jeff 's office back together after I 've pulled it all apart , painted ( almost all of it ) and put up new shelves ( two to go ) and redecorated ( still looking for a good table ) . Mostly the overflow has ended up in the dining room , but I had to build a little home office for myself off the kitchen in the nook , and the shelves from his office have ended up in the TV room , which I also spent a day on . The clincher in all of this is we are hosting Thing 1 's birthday party on Saturday . I can put most of everything out on the patio , but it would be nice if there was some order to things by then . I have three days to work a miracle . Judging by the past two days , it 's going to take me a couple of months to get everything done . Thing 1 is in first grade and enjoying it . I have been sweating which teacher she 'd get , and who 'd be in her class , but they wouldn 't announce it until the day before school started , a Monday before the first Tuesday of school . Then on Friday they released the information . We had all taken a special family day to Lagoon , so we couldn 't go check , but at a baby shower the next day , someone told me that Thing 1 was in Miss Hames class . Everyone else we knew was in one of the other two classes . I was distraught , I hadn 't heard much about Miss Hames … Then on Monday , my folks came down to help me organize the house and my life ( that 's how we got through as much in the TV room as it is ) and so I couldn 't go check out the school . But when I went to pick up Thing 2 for dinner from the neighbor 's , she told me that Thing 1 , and a passle of other kids including her son , ( Thing 1 's best friend ) were all together in Miss * * * 's first grade . My friend had told me the day before that her neighbor had had her and just loved her . Suddenly it seemed like things were lPosted by What a frustrating day . So . The printer that we have been waiting for finally came . Well , it came several days ago on a Tuesday , but we weren 't here , so they didn 't leave it . Just left a note , that they 'd be back on Wednesday . I stayed home all afternoon Wednesday , only to walk outside at one point to find a note on my door that they 'd TRIED to deliver it , but we didn 't hear them knocking . They 'd be back on Thursday between 10 : 30 am and 5 : 00 pm . The doorbell has been broken for a long time , much too long , obviously . So I called an electrician . Fine . On Thursday morning about 9 : 00 I was upstairs puttering around getting the girls ready for swimming lessons , and I thought I heard Thing 2 bumping around , must have been in the closet . I came downstairs about 9 : 30 to find a note on my door , they 'd tried to deliver the printer again . The electrician came , and fixed the doorbell . This morning I sat around in the front of the house all morning , and sure enough , up pulls the UPS guy . I didn 't even need my new doorbell . But the thing is so big , looking at that set of about 15 steps coming up to my house , he asks if I have an alleyway . Sure . So he pulls around back and brings it up the alley , through the garage , and onto the back porch . The thing is a monster . It 's slightly smaller than the hummer we rented in Seattle … har har . Not really , of course , but it 's really big . So I start unpacking it on the back patio . I get my hand truck , and bring it inside . Then I start wondering where the heck am I going to put this thing ? ! ? ! So I go into the TV room and get my TV / VCR cabinet which is serving as a side table / VCR storage cabinet , and unload all the crap off of it and out of it . Then I come back into the office , and clean out a bookshelf that tied up one of the corners … and I 'm looking at the office thinking I really want to paint in here . What the hell , today 's the day . So I empty out a bunch of stuff … . By now the dining room is looking like a nicely furnished storage shed - it 's a mess on top ofPosted by There is this heinous terrible thing that happens to families called a sticker letter . The idea is you get a letter with two kids ' names on it , the top one you 've never heard of , and the bottom one you know . What you 're supposed to do is send a pack of stickers to the top kid , then send a copy of the letter with the bottom kid 's name replacing the top kid 's , and your kid 's name replacing the bottom kid 's , to six friends . " Don 't break the chain ! " " Your child will get 36 packs of stickers in a couple of weeks ! " I don 't want 36 packs of stickers . I don 't want to obligate 6 friends into participating in this sticker circus . But the person who asked me is someone I like , and she asked so sweetly … okay . So I put this off for easily a month - way beyond the obligatory week the letter demands . And I figured a way around it . I will send my required stickers to the kid on the top of the list , then I will buy six packs of stickers , send them to six friends of mine with the name and address of the 2nd kid on the list , along with a stamp , and the instructions to please put the stickers in a new envelope and stamp it and address it to this kid . And I 'll take Thing 2 sticker shopping with me when I go and let her pick out a couple of packs for herself , and everyone 's happy . Well , Thing 2 went over to the neighbor 's , and I thought I 'd save myself a stamp , and just run one sticker filled envelope to the neighbor and ask them to address it in their handwriting . The husband was home . He was completely baffled at this whole prospect , asked why didn 't I just tell this woman no , and while he couldn 't turn me down at the request of just writing the girl 's name and address on the envelope for me , he refused to put his return address on it and acted like I was trying to involve him in something really unsavory . Now that I think about it , I vaguely remember his wife refusing to participate a couple of years ago when I got another one of these horrible letters . Anyway , I felt awful for asking in the first place , but there I was . Then , if that wasn 't bad enough , when Thing 1 went over to the neighbor 's , she took a handful of Little Pet Shop animals and put them in a Ziploc to take with her . I suspect that some of these were Little Shops that Thing 2 got for her birthday that she told Thing 1 she could play with . I stopped Thing 1 before she left and told her taking these over there was a bad idea , unless she wasn 't going to be upset about leaving some of them . I went so far as to write on the side of the bag the number of Pet Shops in it . When I went to pick the girls up , Thing 1 ran up to me and handed me the bag . Sure enough , there was one missing . It was probably a mistake to do so after the fiasco with the chain letter , but instead of waiting until we got home , I pointed it out her missing Pet Shop there . I told her that the neighbor girl is a fabulous person and if she was going to leave one at anyone 's house , this neighbor was a good choice , but I didn 't want to hear her complain later that she was missing one . She and the neighbor looked for it again , and eventually found it , but I suppose it made me look like a fool to the neighbors . Little Neighbor girl may never come over to play again . I know I 'm going to encourage Thing 2 more stridently to invite the neighbor over here . And there is a new rule that the only toys you take to someone 's house are ones you 'll give them . Thing 1 has also started this tendency of being outrageously easily embarrassed . She knocked her finger on a hoola - hoop at the neighbor 's , and ran out of the back yard crying , " This is embarrassing ! " Everyone just sort of blinks confusedly after her . She 's done this before , if she gets hurt she runs off before anyone can see her cry . When I came home and tried to see what happened , she screams at me from behind her door to go away and not to talk to her . She tells me that a lot , usually when I 'm trying to get to the bottom of something . But also , as happened tonight , she 'll come into the room whimpering " Ohhh … it hurts ! " and if I say " What happened ? " or " What is it ? " she barks at me that she doesn 't know and to stop talking to her . Which , I can say freely , is not very endearing . Of course for every ounce of crabbiness and irrationality that Thing 1 can muster , Thing 2 becomes equally overly pleasant and enthusiastic . She is syrupy sweet and everything is the best ever , and it pisses Thing 1 off even more and Thing 1 starts to shout at her to stop being so happy ! I 've got bi - polar disorder in the house , Thing 1 on the sad and angry end of the scale , and Thing 2 on the manically happy end of the scale . Thing 1 has been doing some creative writing . Well , mostly it 's creative spelling . She has been writing little notes and using them to communicate with people , other than Thing 2 who can 't read . Notes like " ( Thing 1 ) needs a book " are easy to figure out , but sometimes she has trouble with spelling . Lately she 's been spelling " love " as " lav . " When I told her to erase the tail of the a and put an E on the end , it became " Lave . " She 's been leaving messages around " I lave you " Hubby showed me one she wrote him . It 's my favorite . It says : ( Thing 1 ) needs a dreeingKGotta love that . We celebrated Thing 2 's birthday on the 25th . She had a nice party , but started to cry when the adults took too long eating dinner and she got impatient to open her presents . If she would have had her way , we would have opened presents FIRST . Not just before Cake and Ice Cream , but Before Dinner ! Oh crap . I just went to upload a picture from her party , but there is just an empty file . I delete the pictures off the camera when I upload them , so it looks like I just erased all of her birthday party pictures without even seeing them . . . Dangnabbit ! Thing 1 and 2 have been very good to keep our present for Daddy for Christmas a secret . I thought Thing 1 was going to spill the beans the other day , when we were asking her what she wanted for her birthday she said she wanted a " Wall - e game for the Wii … " after a moment 's hesitation she said " but we don 't have a Wii … so I guess I don 't get that . " When I type on the computer , I usually sit at the kitchen table at the spot where Thing 1 usually sits to eat . They came in and said they 're hungry for breakfast and Thing 1 gathered her cereal and bowl , then came over and with a very sincere smile on her face said " Thank you for warming up my seat . " I suspected she was just politely asking me to leave , but when I asked her she said no , she was just glad I 'd warmed her seat for her , then she launched into a hug fest . I took the girls to Lagoona beach on Thursday and had a rather magical experience . Just the three of us , in the crowd , floating down the " lazy river " was wonderful . It was a bright sunshiny day , and these darling girls were playing back and forth across the tubes and splashing and having a ball . One of the treasured moments of my life … Of course I was in the water and don 't have any pictres , but we have had a lot of fun on the rest of the rides too . The countdown to Thing 2 's birthday has begun . Just ask her . She is so excited she is nearly stopping people on the street to remind them . She 's told anyone her age within speaking distance that they 're " vited . " I need to go down and check my stash to see what she 's getting versus what we 're giving her for Christmas . We have a hummingbird feeder outside . I just went out and hacked back a tree we have out there that grows completely out of control every year so I could see the hummingbird feeder because I am curious as to where all the juice is going . For the first month it seemed the level never dropped , but recently it seems like it drops an inch a day . Since humming birds don 't make a mess , I don 't mind , but I 'd really like to see the little guys as they come to the feeder . So far I haven 't seen one eating at it . Dropping an inch a day you 'd think there 'd be a hummingbird parade . The cruise , which is another story ( wonderful but too long to include much here ) gave the girls the opportunity to do more swimming . The week before we left on the cruise , I had the girls in their 2nd week of a two week swimming lesson session . I left them to their lessons for a moment to go sign them up for another two week session after the cruise , and came back to see Thing 2 sitting all alone , dejected , on the side of the pool . I came up behind her and she immediately crawled in my lap and started to cry . She said that since she refused to get her face wet she was sitting up there . The words " Time Out " came up in later retellings of the story , but she didn 't say that to me immediately . I am not happy that she was given an ultimatum , get your face in the water or get out of the pool , but I have been a little frustrated with her tenderness of late , and told her it 's too bad she doesn 't like getting water in her face , but she needs to learn how to swim and if that 's the next step , she 's going to have to get her face wet when they ask her . I didn 't know what to do about this , I hate forcing her toPosted by Father 's day . Thing 1 spoke in Primary and did a fabulous job . She and I , well , I mostly , wrote the talk this morning , with her help . She drew four pictures to go with it . The nice part was Hubby was in town and was able to be there for it , then we had the presentation of the decorated ties , and he came to Sacrament with us , of course wearing his two sparkly dolled - up ties . Both girls had a good day . It is 12 : 25 a . m . , and I am sort of staying up out of solidarity for Hubby , who has a 6 : 00 am flight tomorrow to Baltimore and is still working on stuff for his presentation . I try to support whatever he needs to do … But I do resent being barked at when he gets stressed . I don 't know quite how to handle it , it is just easier to leave him alone , take orders quietly and then get the hell out of his way . I don 't much like it , and I don 't know how I 'm going to explain the process to the girls someday , but I am glad I don 't work for him . I don 't know if people successfully told him to just can it , or redirect his stress - temper somewhere else . He can get pretty biting when he is under pressure . Well , and he did need a good massage , and if there 's ever a day he should deserve one , it 's Father 's Day . And he did spend his whole morning sitting unproductively in church for me and the girls . So now he 's paying for it by staying up all night getting ready for the conference tomorrow . I got the girls registered for swim lessons starting next week . I 'm pretty excited , and I think Thing 1 has realized she needs to know after her bobbing under the surface incident in Vegas … but I don 't think Thing 2 is at all interested . I 'm very interested in starting the process toward them both being comfortable in the water , though . I 've got them in the same class because they 're both beginners . They 'll wrap up the day before we go to Alaska , and I 'll try and get them registered for the next session . Okay . I 'm going to bed . Thing 1 was enchanted with her tooth the rest of the day yesterday . I had her put it in a tiny cup , which she carried around with her . It sat next to her watching TV , and joined us for stories yesterday . In the evening she put it under her pillow four or five times last night , only to pull it out later to admire it and carry it around a little more . Thing 2 was so excited about it too , the two of them crawled up to Thing 1 's bed several times to look at the tiny tooth under the pillow , and Thing 2 gushed how when she was six maybe she would lose a tooth . The tooth fairy left four quarters under Thing 1 's pillow last night , but apparently she only found three , I think . I did hear some rather animated discussion this morning , Thing 2 was assuring Thing 1 that she should share her tooth bounty . Thing 1 agreed readily enough , so I 'm not sure if the three quarter count was before or after Thing 2 took her cut . I was going to argue with including Thing 2 in Thing 1 's tooth bounty , but part of me says it 's not my business to question Thing 1 's generous nature . Maybe I should argue with Thing 2 's tendency to include herself in any distribution out of money . I plan on suggesting to her that she give Thing 1 a cut for her own tooth bounty , but as they remind me fairly frequently , " you 'll forget , mommy . " Thing 1 lost her first tooth today . A lot of her friends have had teeth out , but even though she 's the oldest in her class , this is her first tooth . She 's kind of excited , she keeps going into the bathroom to look in the mirror . We just got back yesterday from the Alaska cruise . It was wonderful . Very few complaints … I kept a journal and took pictures and videos , I expect it won 't turn out to be as much media in retrospect as I thought . I always end up wishing I had more pictures . I bought a new video camera just before we left , and absolutely loved it . It fit in a pocket inside my purse , and I was able to pop it out whenever I wanted . Maybe someday I 'll translate some pictures and the journal into an entry here . Right now . . . Nope . I am feeling tired and a little crabby . I got a cold from Jeff on the cruise , and I think I ran myself down trying to pretend I wasn 't sick , and now I 'm feeling wrung out . I have a sinus headache , and really just want to take a nap . Instead I 've got laundry and other catching up to do . The house was relatively in order when we left , but it doesn 't take us long to mess it up again . The kids have spent the better part of the day in front of the TV . My " one hour a day " rule went out the window today . Our three days in Vegas was a ball . A lot of what made it so much fun was the fabulous hotel room , with its huge sunken living room and massive bathroom . You have to understand that I live in a little 100 year old house , and it would take knocking down a couple walls in my house to get a space as wide open as this room . The kids could jump from bed , to bed , to the half wall behind the couch , to the couch , to the big stuffed coffee table , and still not be at the window at the far end . I know this from experience . Just being in the room was a new treat for them . I have quite a few pictures of them dancing around the bathroom , too . So not only is the hotel amazing because of the room , but then there 's the pool . Any pool will do for Thing 1 and 2 , they don 't care too much as long as they can get wet . This one was nice in that it was new and clean and pretty cool , but not as neat as it could have been as we walked by three nice pools with decks on either end that would have been perfect for two little girls to splash around in 1 ½ feet deep water if it hadn 't have been full of lawn chairs for people to sunbathe on . We had to go to the 3 . 3 foot deep pool , over Thing 2 's head and just reaching Thing 1 's neck . But they were thrilled to spend the better part of a day there . My plan was to take them there the last day of our trip while Jeff did his conference stuff , but by then we had some sunburn going on from the previous day , so I let them play in the fabulous hotel room until around 4 : 30 . They really enjoyed even that time at the pool , as it was on a Monday , less crowded , and so we got to hang out on one of the shallow decks a little more . We took them to a Cirque du Soleil show , Mystere , and they quite liked that . Thing 1 REALLY liked it , Thing 2 got tired at the end but enjoyed most of it . There was lots of slapstick humor to keep their interest , and lots of fancy costumes with feathers flipping around . Neat stuff . We had a lot of fun just walking around the corridors between the Palazzo and the Venetian . The Posted by We were in the car the other day and someone pulled up next to us with some antenna decorations on . I 've seen plenty of foamy black balls with Mickey Mouse ears , but this one also had a white Mouse glove under that , a pair of red Mickey Mouse shorts under that , and the yellow Mickey Mouse shoes under that , all in a row on the antenna . I told Thing 1 to look out her window to see it and she said , " It 's a Mickey Mouse - ka - bob ! " She had her last day of Kindergarten yesterday , and I 'm not sure she 's ready for 1st Grade . This is Thing 1 with her Kindergarten teacher , sitting on the lap of the aide . It was a wonderful environment , I really liked both the teacher and the aide . We made the mistake of telling her she 'd be going for the full day next year , and she naturally thought that meant from breakfast until bedtime . While it 's not QUITE that long , it still seems like a long time to me and I 'm really going to miss my girl . Thing 2 starts Kindergarten in the fall , and I think she 's going to love it . She already knows the teacher , and the room … and I 'm really going to enjoy taking the two of them to the same school instead of traipsing up to the university on the odd days . They had the end of year carnival at the elementary school yesterday and it was wonderful . We thought they might get rained out , but it turned out gorgeous , long sleeve weather , but still very nice . The girls had a great time , and I really enjoyed another chat with the playground moms . This has been the nicest little group of people who stand outside Mrs . McDonald 's class after it 's over and chat . We are all planning on getting together this summer , and I would be perfectly happy to continue this but I 'm afraid everyone will get busy with 1st grade stuff and we just won 't have the time to stand and chat for an hour after school like we do now . Too bad , this has been one of the highlights of my life . And I 'm not sure it will be the same in Thing 2 's class . There was just the nicest group of moms in Thing 1 's classmatePosted by There are so many times I think of great things to write , but don 't get to the computer and I forget . The times I do seem to get to the computer sometimes are when I 'm angry about something . Or sulking … I suppose no one wants to interrupt or get in the way by the time I 'm this frustrated about something … . Last night it was my goal to get to bed by 10 : 30 . I am sleep deprived , a lot of it my own fault . But the crazy thing is when I 'm not keeping myself up , when I 've decided I 'm going to put myself to bed , that 's when the world conspires against me and turns itself on at 10 : 00 pm . Last night Hubby called about 9 : 00 , just as I was brushing the girls ' teeth . I was running late night , I like getting them down by 8 : 30 , so I was late anyway . I talked to him for half an hour , and one of the primary motivations for him to call was to talk to me about Vegas . He 's asked me before if I thought it would be a good idea , but I 've spaced off looking into it . Well , he had to respond about the hotel , and needed to know if I was willing to come out and bring the girls . So , the girls ran amok while I talked on the phone to him for half an hour , then it was close to 10 : 00 pm . by the time they got in bed . This means it 's 10 : 00 pm by the time I start my internet search to see if there 's enough stuff for the girls to do in Vegas to justify bringing them . Of course , it 's close to 11 : 00 by the time I 've looked everything up , figured out which Cirque du Soleil show would work , etc . etc . etc . and called and left a message for Hubby , who took a red - eye from San Francisco to Michigan or somewhere last night , so he could respond about the hotel . One of the options would be to leave the girls with my folks and go to Vegas ourselves . So I called my mother as I crawled into bed , right close to 11 : 00 , to see if she could take the girls , if that would even be an option . Of course we talked for close to half an hour , forty mintues or so . Finally I went to sleep , pushing midnight . Thing 2 woke me up at 4 : 30 , calling from her roomPosted by We went to a singing concert for Thing 1 's school at Kingsbury hall tonight . Of course the only problem was that Hubby is in New York . Thing 1 did wonderfully , from what I could tell . My view was somewhat obstructed by the narrator and a music stand , but when he sat down I could mostly see her . She didn 't sing with the enthusiasm I would have expected on the bug song that she sang , which she has been singing around the house since the first of the year , but she made up for it on another song they sang , which was just charming . There were two other songs she sang , one about out my window , the other about my heart is home , both of which the whole school sang . I got some video of it , but you can 't see her at all . The kindergarteners were standing on the floor in front of the stage , and the only ones you could see was the line of kids in the front of the pack . But the songs were really neat , inspiring to have this whole school of kids singing the song , it really choked me up . All in all it was a really nice concert . The songs were wonderful , the kids did great . The video is pretty grainy , and I was filming it with Thing 2 squirming on my lap , and was farther back than I would have liked , but you get the idea . We came back and made mini cinnamon rolls , and I think the girls both ate too much . Thing 2 was complaining of a tummy ache . Thing 1 went into the bathroom and seemed to be taking a while . I went to the door to ask if she was okay and she said she 'd had a BM ( not her words ) and had been burping , and wondered if she was going to throw up . I went in to kind of help her and make sure she turned around in time … after a couple of minutes Thing 2 knocked on the door , and without opening it ( Thing 1 has developed a sense of privacy , which Thing 2 nicely respected ) her little hand reached in and put something on the bathroom counter . She hollered through the door that she had left something for Thing 1 . When Thing 1 seemed settled and figured she probably wasn 't going to throw up I finally got a chance to see what Thing 2 had left her . It was one of the individual Pedialyte containers . She assured Thing 1 it was really yummy medicine and would make her feel better , though I don 't think Thing 2 has ever tasted it herself . My other favorite Thing 2 story of the day happened last week . We were sitting at breakfast and Thing 2 rather spontaneously announced out of nowhere that if she were drawing a mean face she would do this , and such , and draw the eyes so , and on and on as she was drawing in the air with her imaginary pencil . At the same time she was demonstrating her mean face . Not wanting to miss an opportunity , I brought Thing 1 's attention to Thing 2 's brow and how it went down in a V in the middle . Since Thing 1 is kind of my visual artist , it was a beautiful demonstration . Not wanting Thing 2 to be left out , since Thing 1 was furrowing her brow to make a mean face too , I showed Thing 2 how it looked on Thing 1 's face . But I suppose as I really think Thing 1 might be the one to really get something out of this demonstration , I went back to pointing out Thing 2 's features to Thing 1 . Besides , I think Thing 2 was really more into making the mean face . So I 'm pointing this out . " Look , Thing 1 , how her ePosted by Just had a major scare . I was kneeling on the floor in the girl 's room folding clothes when suddenly my head felt funny - a really strong pulse in my head . I got up to look in the mirror and sure enough my face was really red … . I didn 't know what to do , walked back into the girl 's room and the pulse is throbbing really strongly in my head … I laid down , didn 't help . I was feeling pretty darn awful , and started wondering if I 'd be able to drive myself to the emergency room , or if I 'd need an ambulance . I came downstairs and fired up my computer and tried looking up " pulse in head " and , wondering if it might be related to the three brazil nuts I 'd just eaten a few mintues before , typed in Allergy . I wasn 't getting much help . About this time I felt compelled to add " nausea " but before I could get much from that I went in the bathroom and threw up . And again . My body seems to be good at purging . I feel quite a bit better , though my face still feels terribly swollen , my nose is COMPLETELY stuffed up - Hubby told me it looks swollen too , and it 's almost hard to open my eyes in my swollen face . I think I want to go to bed . I 'm just awfully glad Hubby is here . The drive to the emergency room with the girls in tow would have been really awkward . It is such a shame that I don 't write things down when I 'm thinking of them . The girls are always popping off with the funniest , cutest things , and I don 't remember later . Dang it . They have been so sweet lately , lovely , loving little girls . Very few issues . So . There is a little girl at Thing 2 's preschool whom I do not like . It started when Thing 2 started school last year in the younger of the two preschool classes taught by a woman named Sandra . On the first day , as I watched my sweet 3 year old in her first moments of preschool through the two way mirror in the observation room , I saw this little girl ( named Anna ) reach forward and pinch Thing 2 's bum . Hard enough to make Thing 2 jump . Unprovoked . The naughty little tart ! Thing 2 took it well , and just turned back around . But Anna earned a place on my black list . She continued through the year playing favorites - " you 're my friend , you 're NOT my friend ! " which would send all the other little girls into tailspins of despair that Anna didn 't like them . I thought this sort of crap didn 't start until they were in the 2nd or 3rd grade ! I looked forward to not having to worry about that the next year of preschool when I moved Thing 2 across the hall to the other preschool class , Mary 's class . I was quite unhappy to see Anna 's mother at Mary 's beginning - of - the - year - meeting the following fall . Anna continued to be a problem , for me anyway . Thing 2 was alternately best friends , and desperately unhappy to be on the outs with Anna . I saw her doing things on the playground that I would have had serious words with my girls over - throwing a toy down the slide , then when someone walked by and picked it up extending it to her - " Here , you dropped this , " she 'd come screaming down the slide at them " you give that back ! That 's MINE ! " One afternoon Anna was following another little girl named Lexi , who I think is a hoot , around the playground . They each had a stack of plastic bowls . Lexi gave me one as I was standing there , saying with a cuPosted by Thing 1 is precious and delicate and charming . She is usually my compliant child , but she has her moments . Last night she didn 't help Hubby clean up the mess in the kids ' room despite his repeatedly asking for her help . The last straw was when she wouldn 't relinquish the container that Thing 2 was trying to put blocks into , and Hubby barked at her that there would be no stories for her that night . She completely dissolved . She cried . It 's hard to diffuse this sort of situation without undermining the disciplining parent , and I was proud of Hubby for exerting some discipline because I think he often doesn 't want to discipline them much because they don 't see him as much as anyone would like . Her tears hit me like no other , and it 's hard for me to not do anything in my power to get her to stop . But I kept out of it , and she eventually , grudgingly and angrily , went quietly to bed . Right after we turned out the light and came downstairs , after she was too angry at either one of us to come out from under her covers to be kissed goodnight , we heard her pleading cry to us to come upstairs . She was sobbing again . I went first and gathered her up in my arms and she curled in a ball and cried into my shoulder how she was so sorry and was worried she wouldn 't be able to say goodbye to daddy ( we had told her he was catching the red - eye to New York ) and she was thinking of how much she loved us . He was standing in the doorway and came in , I passed Thing 1 to him and he stood there holding her and she cried and clung to him , and he cried and held her tight and kissed her head , and I stood there in the moonlight watching them and cried myself . Hubby and I just got back on Saturday from 10 days in Florence , Italy . I need to write more about that , but first I need to write a couple of things that my mother reported that the girls said . Once after brushing her teeth Thing 2 was looking for her cup to take a drink out of and couldn 't find it . Mom suggested she just drink out of Thing 1 's . Thing 1 is a confirmed germaphobe , especPosted by

I joined the army the day I turned eighteen . I had worked my teenage years in my father 's hardware store . I was very knowledgeable about stock inventory , ordering , and replacing inventory since we had up - to - date systems just for that purpose - Not very exciting , to say the least . Mom and Pop paid me well and I saved my money thinking I would go to college , but first I wanted to see more of the world other than the small city where we lived . I 'd still go to school when my three - year hitch was finished and I would only be twenty - five in age when I completed my education . I signed up for the Quartermaster Corps . I did have to do my mandatory basic training in the service and then was given orders to a major supply depot in Nevada . Before arriving I had a few days of leave time and decided to visit Reno , it being on the way to my new post . I was driving , thinking I would be stationed at the same place for a few months at least and would need transportation . I bought an old car a few days previously . Not happy to be stuck in the states , I figured I could transfer to a different unit and see some of the world since that was why I had joined the service . I was a few miles out of Reno and it was almost dark . Suddenly ahead I saw a figure step into the road with hands up for me to stop . First instinct was to blow on by , but then I saw it was a young woman possibly my age . Her hair was a flaming red . I was several feet beyond her when I came to a halt . She ran to catch up to me . I looked this woman over and could see she was young as me . She wore jeans and a long - sleeved blouse . She was fairly tall with a decent shape . She had a heavy backpack with her . " Toss the bag in the back seat , please . " There was a slight hesitation before she said , " Kansas . I 'm going to find work here . " I didn 't think for a minute she was from Kansas , but I let it go . We drove into the city . I had a reservation at a reasonable priced motel . I pulled up in front of it . I turned to the girl as I killed the engine , " What are you going to do now ? " " I don 't know . It is dark and I can 't look for a job tonight . I know I 'm being bold , but can I stay in your room tonight ? I won 't bother you . " " Oh come on . A motel like this won 't think anything of you having a guest . " She was right . How was I going to handle this ? " It seems as if I would be in more danger of you raping me . I promise I won 't scream if you do . It is a matter of trust on both our parts . I 'm very tired and I walked a long ways between rides . Please let me stay . " I was tired too , and wanted to hit the sack . " I 'll get the key . I 'll probably regret this , but for tonight you can stay . " I took my case in and locked my duffle bag in the trunk of the car . Cilla , as she said she wanted to be called , brought in her heavy back pack . We looked the room over . The bed was a full and the room had a small couch in the corner . That didn 't look too comfortable . " There is a McDonalds down the block . I asked the desk clerk . " We were hungry and both had a Big Mac and then split an order of nuggets . Cilla held my hand on the way back to our room . She showered and then I did . She was in bed asleep when I finished shaving . Damned , if I was going to sleep on that couch so I crawled into bed . We didn 't touch and I was soon asleep . My last thought before I slept was that I was being a damned fool having this girl in my bed . In the morning I awoke when Cilla was returning from the bathroom . I jumped out of bed and soon came back . It was pretty early to get up . " Dan , can I hold your hand and lay here next to you ? I 've never been alone before . This is the most peaceful I have been since I was a little girl and I feel so safe with you . You are a very nice person . I 'm so blessed to have met you . " " You said it ! My father is old and my mother was a child bride . She was only fifteen when she married him . He is a terrible tyrant . I have a sister five years younger and Father treats Mom and us all the same way . He slaps us around if we don 't obey him . I had enough of it and left . I tried to get Mom to leave , but she said it was her duty to stay . I don 't feel that I have any duty toward him or bound to him at all . " " That 's sad . My mother and father is a loving couple to me and my sister . I want to see some of the world and that 's why I joined the service . I plan on returning from the army and going to school for a few years and then be partner with my dad in the family business . " " It must be nice . I wish my folks had been like that , but they weren 't so here I am making a life for myself . You bought eats last night so let me buy you breakfast . " " No , you should save your money . I 'll be getting paid at the end of the month and I have money from the last pay period . I 'll stand for meals until you find work . I have to leave in five more days and report in . I 'll help you find something . " " Dan , would you kiss me ? " I rolled over and kissed her . My tongue came out and touched her lips . Cilla thought that was fun . She was sweet and it wasn 't long before she offered up her charms to me . I accepted . I found Cilla unknowing about sex . As soon as I realized she was a neophyte , I was slow and loving with her . I tried , but I came to the point when I couldn 't hold out any longer . " It 'll get better . Let 's lie here and talk awhile . " We cuddled and she didn 't mind if I used my hands and fingers to brush and stroke different areas of her body . When I brought my lips to her breasts she was aware that she had asked me to enter her too soon the first time . It wasn 't long before she was asking to be made love to again . When we came down and were resting , I asked , " Cilla were you a virgin ? " I broke into a sweat . " You should have told me . I may have made you pregnant already . If we do it again I 'll have to get some rubbers . " I had little idea myself about cycles or periods . I questioned her . She had never been told about this either . " I assumed you must be on the pill . You said you were eighteen and very few women have sex without being protected . Their mothers see to it . " " My mother never told me anything about sex . Maybe she doesn 't know either . My father said he would whip the hell out of me if I ever let a boy touch me . " " Not much . When they were giggling about boys and stuff I would get up and leave . I was kind of an outcast because of my father . The whole village is afraid of him . I 'm free of him now , thank the Lord . " When Cilla got up to shower the evidence was there . There were spots of red on the sheet , but it wasn 't as bad as it could have been . I went looking for condoms directly after breakfast . Cilla had no work skills at all . She didn 't even know how to wait table . We finally found a diner that would hire and train her . She was pretty enough , so when she learned the ropes and how to deal with the customers she should be able to support herself . She was to start work in three days . We had that much time together . We ate in the diner from then on . This gave Cilla a chance to watch the other two waitresses who worked there and to get friendly with them . One meal the next day there were five soldiers in the booth behind me . I asked if they were stationed at the supply depot . " Oh , oh , you 'll get hassled about having a car . They always give new recruits trouble . Better sell it and come down by bus . There are regular buses going to and from . " " Kid , you 're in the army now and everything sucks . " One of the soldiers handed me a bus schedule while everyone was laughing . I decided right then to sell my car which I did later that day getting just about what I had paid for it because the car didn 't look like much . It ran good though . I had only owned it a short while and wasn 't that attached to it . Cilla and I spent a lot of time in bed the remainder of the time I was in Reno . I made promises that I would bus up here every chance I could and meet Cilla at the diner . She promised she would wait for me . I gave her the money I received for the car . She was going to hold the motel room until I came back next weekend . " I have faith I will see you , and I 'm so blessed . " The army had different plans for me . I arrived at the base and reported in just a few hours before Head Quarters closed for the day . " Private Pierson , don 't unpack . You will be shipping out at 0600 tomorrow morning . You have orders for Okinawa . " No time for a good - bye to Cilla . I wondered if she would miss me as much as I missed her . I did a fourteen month tour on Okinawa . I used my vacation time in Japan and when my tour was up I was ordered to an ordinance unit in Pennsylvania . I was a few months there and then was ordered to do a tour in Germany . I spent a year in the fatherland and didn 't have that much time remaining when I returned at the end of that tour . Occasionally Cilla would cross my mind and I wondered what had become of her . When I mustered out I did travel to Salina , Kansas where Cilla told me she had come from , but people said they knew no one by the name of Redding . After spending a week enquiring in the area I gave up the search and traced my way west . I then went on to Reno . I found the diner where Cilla had the promise of a job . But it wasn 't the same . The original had burned two years before . It had been rebuilt after awhile but none of the former staff were working in the new one . I went to college that fall taking courses in business . The thought of Priscilla Redding receded further into my past , but I did search for Cilla again when I finished school . On completion , I came home and took my place in the family hardware store . I looked up one of my classmates and began a relationship with her . I was an eligible bachelor and had a good job , which was just what she was looking for . We married , but soon realized that there wasn 't that much love . The divorce wasn 't painful at all . No kids to complicate matters and over time she found someone who fitted her ideal as a husband and she is now happy . We are friends and when we meet we laugh about our short time stint in double harness . " Because I had a five - day relationship with a young woman before reporting . I tried to track her down when I got out of the service , but couldn 't find her and then again one summer while in college . I did go back again before I came home for good . " " That 's too bad , Dan , but probably for the best . You would have been tied to her . She would have been alone most of the time because of your two tours overseas . The marriage wouldn 't have lasted . " " I don 't know Mom , she was a nice girl . Maybe even my dream girl . She was certainly pretty enough . I do think she would have hung in there if we hadn 't been prevented by circumstances to stay together . " It was a month later when I came out of my office up one level and caught a glimpse of two women quickly turning away from me . I noticed the red hair , but didn 't see their faces . I had the feeling they had been staring at the office . One of my clerks came up to me a little while later . " Dan , there are two women in the store down in the house - ware section . They have been in the store quite awhile and acting weird . Would you speak to them and find out if they are looking for anything special ? " " Sure , I 'll handle it . " I walked down the aisle . The two women had been whispering with their heads together and now broke apart when they saw me approaching . The youngest woman at that point picked up a $ 1 . 89 plastic dishpan that was right in front of her . " I 'll buy this . I have my card . Would you ring me out ? " She dug into her handbag and took a Mastercard out of her wallet . She handed it to me and looked right at me . I knew immediately ! This was Cilla , but no , it couldn 't be . Maybe the sister Cilla had mentioned , but then this woman looked too young for that to be possible . She looked like the woman I had made love to so many years ago . The girl even sounded like her . I started for the front of the store to ring up the sale . I hadn 't looked at the name on the card . The two women were following me . " Mama is dead . My grandfather brought her home from Reno . Gram and Aunt Ann said Mama mentioned a Dan Pierson every day until she passed away . I 'm hoping you are the Dan Pierson she talked about and maybe you are my father . " The older woman spoke , " My name is Anita Redding I 'm Danica 's grandmother . This is Ann Redding Pierson and she is my daughter . Cilla and Ann were sisters . " Her face flamed and then she smiled . " No , of course not . I did it that way because I couldn 't walk up to you and announce I was your daughter , could I ? " " I would have known you were . Cilla has been in my mind 's eye throughout the last eighteen years and you are almost identical to the lovely person I spent five days with so many years ago . Come , I will take you home . My mother 's name is Grace and she will be overjoyed to meet you almost as much as I am and she would be grandmother to you . Your grandfather , George is here in the store somewhere , but he can meet you tonight . " We went outside to the parking lot . " Okay , I 'll do that . She 's my child . I searched for her mother long enough . " I held the door for Danica to slide into my vehicle . " I don 't know when , but I do know why . My grandfather learned where she was and went after her , forcing her to return home . If it wasn 't for me she would have committed suicide . She claimed she couldn 't destroy something that came about with so much love . I never knew her because she died about the time I was able to walk . " Don 't ask me now , for it is a long sad story and some of it is why my aunt and grandmother changed Aunt Ann 's name to Pierson . Your name is on my birth certificate . My mother lied and said she was married to you so when I was born I would be legitimate . " " Ask my Aunt Ann to tell you because she was very close to my mother , and she could tell you better than Gram could . Aunt Ann is in all respects , my mother . We have the same name to prove it , or at least that is the intent . " " Okay , I 'll ask her . This is my street coming up on the right . The large house at the end of the street is where I live . My mother and father live in a large apartment in the rear . I lived in that while I was married . Mom liked it and when my wife and I divorced I swapped my living quarters for the more easier - to - care for apartment . " I smiled as I answered , " No , you are my only one . I felt I was too young to start a family when we first married . We knew that our marriage wouldn 't work soon after the ceremony , so we were careful . I was only married for two years anyway and that included the time it took to become divorced . We 'll continue this later . " I looked in the mirror . " Your aunt just pulled in behind me , so we 'll all go in together . My mother knows I had a short relationship with a woman I met while in the service and that we lost track of each other . You won 't be too much of a surprise . " I stepped out and waited on the walk until Ann and Anita got out and came up beside me . " Ann and Anita , you can tell Mom as little or as much as you want to . I think I should learn about everything before I do too much explaining . " Ann spoke , " Thank you Mr . Pierson . You will hear some things that you most certainly wouldn 't want to share with anyone except family . " I nodded . " Both of you please call me Dan . Mr . Pierson is my father . " I stepped up onto a small porch in the rear of the house and gave a couple of raps on the door . I opened it . " I 'm not dressed for company . I 've been cleaning all day . Your house was a mess and I just finished . What you need is a woman of your own to look after you . " Mother came through the doorway . " Oh , my Lord , you did bring company . " Never hesitating she said , " We 'll go around into your living room and I 'll find something to drink . Dan has tea , coffee and water . He has fresh lemons for the tea and water . " Five minutes later in my apartment , " Mom , please sit before you go rushing around . I have a little explaining to do . I don 't know it all , but I 'm satisfied these people are telling me the truth . First , do you remember less than a month ago we had a conversation ? It was about a relationship I had with a lovely girl while in the service . And also , that I had lost track of her and I did search for her , but couldn 't find any trace ? " Mother nodded and I continued , " I am told she died several years ago , but she left this young lady whom I believe is my daughter . There are ways to make sure , but I may not bother because Danica looks just like her mother and is the correct age . I mentioned that the woman 's name was Priscilla and I called her Cilla . I asked these people with my first question why Cilla wasn 't there with them and was told she had died . Danica could be Cilla except for her age . Isn 't she lovely ? " Danica took over the introductions . " Mrs . Pierson , this is my Aunt Ann , and Anita , my grandmother . They took care of me when my mother died and brought me up . I 've been told she died when I was two years old . " " You poor thing . That 's sad . I know Dan went looking for your mother , but couldn 't find her . That was before he went away to school . And now you have found him . How did that come about ? " " Aunt Ann was going through an old backpack of my mothers a year ago and found an envelope with Dan Pierson 's name and army unit . The envelope also had some money in it . There was a note saying to return the money to Dan Pierson if she wasn 't able too . The town he said you lived in wasn 't correct which threw me way off . I found an address of where the car was purchased and he was driving at the time . That threw me off even more because he must have bought it someplace other than here . The car tags were in the pack too and were supposed to be turned in . " " I can explain that . I did buy the car off post where I was stationed . Cilla said she would send back the tags . I did give her my wrong address and was going to correct it the next time we saw each other . When I told her where I was from I was afraid of being trapped into a relationship , but I changed my mind the minute I got on the bus while she was waving good - bye , but it was too late then . I really did intend to see her on the weekend . Did she give me her correct home address ? " " Either that or she might have died by the time I went looking for her . I 'm sorry I wasn 't in a position to do an in depth search for her until I was out of the service . I couldn 't meet her as planned either because I was shipped out for Okinawa the next morning after reaching the post . I worried about what she would think . " " That 's the truth . " I could see that a long discussion was in order . The Pierson ( Redding ) family needed to know why I never returned to Reno to meet with Cilla . Also how I felt when I couldn 't locate her . I needed to know what happened to Cilla when I didn 't return on the weekend . I had promised and wanted to know what happened when she found herself pregnant . I also needed to know why she went home to a father whom she had run away from . " I understood this was the primary reason she abandoned her family and escaped to Reno where she met me . " Ann spoke in answer , " My father wasn 't a nice person . He ruled the family with an iron hand . Mother was subjugated totally and Cilla and I the same . He was cruel and almost inhuman in his treatment of all of us . Whippings and beatings happened frequently . Threats to kill were the norm . Cilla escaped for awhile as you know , but when she found herself pregnant she didn 't know which way to turn . She began writing to one of my friends who wasn 't aware of the situation in our home . Cilla was hoping Mom would have an answer or at least some advice for her . " My friend and I were sitting on the front steps talking about my sister , not realizing father could hear us . He came bursting out and confiscated the letter my friend brought with her for me to read . It had Cilla 's return address on it . Mother and I had no way to contact her except by letter and father took off immediately for Reno to get her . " The two arrived home a week later . Cilla was black and blue from the beatings she had received during the trip home . He kept her tied up and they had slept in the car . Needless to say , mother and I received much of the same treatment because father blamed us for helping her to run away and he was terribly angry . " When Cilla first left , Mother and I were so happy that she had escaped . When father caught her we were heartbroken that he had managed to find where she was living and able to get her back . I was so stupid for discussing this where father could hear me . Cilla never blamed me though , and she would defend me whenever it came about that father turned his attention to me . " Cilla 's beatings lessened as she got bigger carrying Danica , but they continued for mother and me . There seemed to be no end to the excuses father used for slapping or punching us . Danica was born a lovely baby and for a time it seemed like father had found someone or something he cared for . The situation was improving for all of us . " Then when Danica turned two , father made the statement that it was time to begin teaching Danica to mind and he slapped her really hard . She cried and father was pacing back in forth in front of Cilla where she was holding Danica . His threats were explicit . That night Cilla came to me , ' Ann , if anything ever happens to me , get away and you take Danica and become her mother . ' I promised I would , although I was only fifteen . " Anita answered that . " You can 't know what it was like . I can understand how you would question us years after this happened , but we were totally cowed at the time . Ann could have run away like Cilla did , but she was afraid Cilla and I would die at his hands so she refused to leave us . " Ann spoke , " I was worried the next day because father and Cilla and the baby were in the house alone . I came home early from a part time job I had because I was so concerned . Before I got the door open , I could hear Danica crying from Cilla 's bedroom . Cilla had locked Danica inside . The living room and the kitchen had been trashed , showing that father and Cilla had an extended battle . The cellar door was open and I looked down and could see both lying on the floor at the foot of the stairs . " I didn 't go down because I had Danica in my arms . I called the police , just saying there had been and accident . Our whole situation came out into the public 's eye at that time . " " Yes , of course . The police surmised that Cilla had pushed father , but he had clung to her and both went down the stairs , or it had happened the opposite way with the same result . There was no way to tell what had transpired . Anyway both had hit their heads on the cement and both died clutched together . " " Yes , but then you must remember it set us free . We knew Cilla was protecting Danica , both on that day and for the future . I know she didn 't regret what she had done . Mother and I feel she was trying to kill father and had succeeded . We also feel it was justified if it was homicide and it really was sad that Cilla had to die in protecting us all . She gave up her life so we could have a future . " Danica spoke up , " I 'm so proud of what my mother did to protect me . Aunt Ann has been a wonderful mother to me and Gram worked very hard to support us until I was old enough to be by myself . I was only seven when Aunt Ann and Gram both secured jobs in a factory on opposite shifts so they could watch out for me . " Again it was Danica . " That was me . I was searching for a father and I knew he must be out there somewhere . All I had to go on was that you were in the service and in Reno , Nevada during a certain time . I went to the Veteran 's Administration a year ago . I didn 't get much help , but I kept bugging them . I was being shunted from one department to another . I can 't count the number of letters I wrote that came back saying there was no record of a Dan Pierson . " Finally , I broadened my search to different states and found the name of Daniel Pierson in Iowa . Actually I found nine Dan Pierson names , but you were the only one of the right age . That was two weeks ago and here we are . " I received a tentative smile from Danica . I looked at her grandmother , and then at Aunt Ann . I quick looked at my mother who nodded at me to accept this beautiful young woman as my daughter . I opened my arms . When she came toward me searching my face for acceptance and found it , she moved into my arms . I kissed her cheek and she backed away enough to kiss mine . There were tears of happiness from all of us . I had enough rooms for my new family to stay with me . The room where Danica was to sleep was small and the one I had used when I was a child . The other spare room was large and had two singles in it for Ann and Anita . I carried in their suitcases and Mom helped put things away . Nothing had been said about what their plans for the future were . Mom went down to prepare supper , leaving me to ask questions about their plans . " I did . We didn 't have but five days together and both of us were too secretive about letting each other know where we lived before we met . If we had only had more time together , you might have been able to grow up with a father and mother . " " I 'll admit there is a certain stigma with working at a place like that , but most women are there because they need a job . I 'm kind of a grandmother to some of the young people who come there to work and I 'll give advice if asked . Remember I was married at fifteen and didn 't have much of a life until after my husband died . There was no chance of any social life for me with him . " Now the truckers come in and most of them call me Gram or Grandma . They tell me about their families and show me their pictures . I 'm not going back home so I 'll look for another one to work in like the one I just left . " I wanted to hug this woman who had gone through so much . I opened my arms and Anita immediately came and embraced me . " Oh , it has been a long time since I have hugged a man . . . or wanted to for that matter . I feel so safe . Thank God Danica persevered and found you . " She kissed me on my cheek . Danica was waiting for me to embrace her again . I looked at Ann , who was frowning . I wanted to hug her too . She looked so much like Cilla . More mature and more serious , I wondered if she would feel the same in my arms as I remembered her sister . It wasn 't to be because she backed away and didn 't indicate she wanted me to touch her . Okay , no problem . Dad was as tickled as I was when he came home and I presented my daughter to him . Danica immediately began calling Mom and Dad , Grampa George and Gramma Grace . Anita was friendly and out - going , asking if I had time to help her find work . There was a large truck stop with a diner and convenience store on the outskirts about two miles from our home . I offered to take her over there to apply . She could use me for a reference . I took off two weeks while we got familiar with the situation my family and Danica 's family found ourselves in . We blended fairly well except for Ann . She was quite reserved , especially around me . Danica wanted to work in our store where she could be near me . " I want to know all about you . You need to know about me as well . You can 't believe how happy I am I found you . " " Your mother would have done the same thing if she hadn 't died . We had something together . " I spoke to Aunt Ann , " Ann , what about you ? Are you going back to Nebraska where you really are from ? " " No , the only family I have is here . I 'll look for office work somewhere . I 'm pretty well up on everything involved in an office . I do want to stay in the area with Danica and Mom . I just took time off from where I work and won 't be going back . I will be missed by my former employer , but I can 't leave my mother and Danica . I brought her up and even changed my name so she would feel she had one parent if not the other . " " Won 't that create a problem for Dan ? People will think I am his wife when people find out Danica is his daughter and I have the Pierson name . I am not Dan 's wife , although I consider myself to be Danica 's mother . " No one said anything , but they were all , including myself , thinking she could be . Dad , ever the one not to worry said , " I 'm sure it won 't come up . If it does we 'll think how to handle it at that time . " " Do you know anything about keeping track of inventory ? Dan and I have been doing it , but we are always behind on keeping up . We 've had some real embarrassing snafus by not realizing we were out of something and yet were advertising it . " During the two weeks off , I drove to Nebraska to close out the apartment where they were from . This wasn 't in Kansas Cilla had told me where she lived but Nebreska . Ann and Anita quit their jobs . We hurriedly rented a storage locker and moved most of their belongings into it . We packed their clothes into the trunk of the Caddie . I could send one of the store 's trucks when they needed something we couldn 't pack into the car today . We spent a lot of time with Mom . " Say , I think we should take Saturday this weekend and go visit my sister . She and her family are home from vacation . I want to show off my daughter and my almost mother - in - law . " I called Patty when I got home . " Hey , sis , I 've got someone I want you to meet . " " I didn 't this time . Wait until you meet her and you 'll be glad I didn 't . She is smart and really beautiful . " " She is some months past eighteen . She has been with me for a couple of weeks . Mom and Dad love her . I 'm so blessed . " " I didn 't , she found me . I did search for her mother several years ago , but couldn 't find her . At that time I didn 't know I had a daughter . I 'll tell you all about it when we get there on Saturday . Have lunch ready . There will be Mom , Anita , Ann , and Danica with me . Ann is the aunt who has mothered Danica and she looks very much like what Priscilla looked like nineteen years ago when I knew her . Anita is Danica 's grandmother . " " Okay . Patty , I 'm looking forward to seeing all of you . Make sure , Matt , Sherry , and Junior are home . " Matt was my brother - in - law . I was beginning to feel sorry for my father about having the store management all on his shoulders while I was with my new family . " Tend to them , Dan . I can see how happy you are being with them . Grace , I think is the one who is the happiest . She has a granddaughter to love right here at home . As far as the store , I don 't mind a bit . " I knew my sister would have a Bar - B - Cue going when we got there . Sis had to know all about how I came to have a daughter . Mom filled her in with more detail than I intended to . There were even a couple of things that I didn 't know myself . Mom and Anita had spent a lot of time together at some time I wasn 't aware of . This had to be during the morning when Anita would hang out with Mom . Danica and Sherry bonded right off because Sherry was only a year younger than her cousin . Junior just watched his beautiful read - haired cousin without saying anything . Junior would turn bright red if Danica spoke directly to him . I guess he thought this new cousin of his was special . " I guess not . She 's a little stand offish . I haven 't got her figured out yet . " Just then Patty shouted that the chicken was ready to come off the grill . We had a pleasant afternoon . Sherry wanted Danica to drive over and see her anytime . Danica promised she would . It was a very pleasant afternoon . Patty told me I had better grab Ann before she got away from me . I shrugged .

Last night I cried , because I thought about my mother , as I often do . I know she must be sinking farther and farther into dementia , and I can 't do anything about it . I love her and miss her , and I wish things had ended differently . ( But I guess she made her choice also . ) I wish I could comfort her , in that far - away place she now dwells . How can you be angry with someone who is now probably like a confused child ? I cry because I remember her fear of dementia , and her fear of having to live that way . I cry because I tried so hard to care for her and please her , and she called me hateful names ( while she was still in her right mind . ) I cry because I 've always loved her , and I just wanted her to love me back . I cry because I wish that I could soothe her fears , and I can 't . All of this is progressing so rapidly , and I could see it plainly awhile back . We were told that it would not get better . I knew that her care needs were more than I could handle anymore , and I was already 3 1 / 2 years into total exhaustion , and sick myself . There should be no shame in saying that I could not continue on as I was . I simply could not . I knew that I was going to die . But my brother didn 't get it . Now maybe he will . How frightening it must be , to be trapped in your very physically ill body , losing your mind . It seems like some kind of cruel nightmare , that has no ending . She was so afraid of becoming like the people we saw in the halls of the nursing home ( where she was for 5 1 / 2 months of rehab . ) I always reassured her , and tried to help her through her confusion , and prayed that it would pass . It really accelerated after her hip surgery . She was never really the same after that , and we were warned by the Ortho doctor that many elderly people are affected that way by the anesthesia . And now I can 't get to her . She might as well be in a castle with a drawbridge and a moat , instead of a small house in a small town with my angry brother , and a caregiver . She 's isolated . She probably wouldn 't want to see me anyway . And I could not go back without becoming totally involved in her care , and I am not physically able to do that anymore . I have been very sick lately , and I just can no longer take the stress of her care , or of her emotional treatment of me . That is why she was so much better off in the Assisted Living , where she could get socialization , food she loved , and medical assistance and supervision . There was a Memory Care Unit there as well , if she needed it later on . But my brother was determined to bring her home , and now he is probably overwhelmed as well . ( You cannot possibly know what it is like to care for all her needs until you 've done it . I could not keep up anymore , and the stress of it all was killing me . ) I needed help desperately . I can only reach her through my prayers . I ask God to comfort her , and strengthen her . I ask Him to take care of her , as I no longer can . I ask Him to soften her heart towards me , and let her memories be of our happy times together ( and there were quite a few , in spite of our problems . ) I ask God to tell her I love her . Wouldn 't it be great if we could just spend a week or two grieving for a loss , and then it would be done ? No more sharp knives in the heart , no more waking up in the middle of the night , no more memories to constantly invade an otherwise routine day . But it seems like grief is the gift that keeps on giving . Attachments are made in this life , and love just naturally occurs . Severing that bond feels anything but natural . My birth dad died several years ago , and his funeral was on New Years Eve . I had never really cared for the holiday day before that , and I will never forget flying into our small town airport , having been through a tearful day of " good - byes " , as well as " hellos " to those I had not seen in a long time . I knew that all I had hoped for in my relationship with my dad , would now never come to pass . We had known each other only on the surface , but had both longed for so much more . Distance and busy lives separated us , and sad to say , we let it . ( You always think you 'll have more time . ) Not long after his death ( about 5 months ) my stepfather died . He had been in my life since I was age 7 . Our relationship had been stormy initially , but developed into one of the greatest miracles of my life . After I was married , and through the future years , we grew closer . He wasn 't one to have long heart to heart talks , but he often said " I love you " for no reason at all ( other than the fact that he did . ) The day that we found out that he needed triple bypass surgery , instead of being able to correct the problem with a stent , I cried in my car like he was already gone . My husband couldn 't understand why I took it so hard that he would need the heart surgery , but there was a " knowing " in my spirit . I didn 't feel good about it , and I couldn 't stop crying . ( Of course , I didn 't cry in front of him . ) He came through the triple bypass fine , but succumbed to hospital acquired infections including pneumonia , staph , and serratia . We watched him dying through many long weeks of gasping for breath on a respirator in the ICU and CCU , and it was like a daily nightmare . Seeing him like that was so painful and heartbreaking , and even though I desperately wanted to have faith for him to live , it was apparent that minus a miracle , he wasn 't going to make it . When he died , we spent some moments as a family in his hospital room , that was eerily silent . No machines whirring , no beeps , no gasping for breath . Just a strange , stark silence . He looked so big lying there . He was 6 ' 4 ″ , and I couldn 't imagine life without him . When the doctor had told us that he didn 't think Sam would make it , my mother said , ( as we walked down the hospital corridor ) " What am I gonna do ? " What were any of us going to do ? He had represented strength to us , and a knowledge of so many things . He knew the answer to almost every question we had , and as long as Sam was around , every problem had a solution . But once he was gone , life was brutal for my mom and me . Every day brought new discoveries of things that Sam had taken care of , that now we had to struggle with . Things like dragging the huge trashcan to the curb , wrestling to get groceries in the house after a full day of errands , a myriad of doctor 's appointments for my mom , bills and paperwork , house maintenance , applying for home insurance when their former insurance company left town ( and being turned down by the first one , because there were too many things wrong with the aging house . ) Sometimes it seemed like all we did was fight to keep our heads above water . I cried from exhaustion when alone at times , but mostly I just gritted my teeth , and forced my body to function when it was way past its ability . No one will ever know the toll those days took on us . I tried to compensate for what my mom couldn 't do , struggled to make sure that all her medications were filled on time , and taken properly , and was continually concerned about her diabetes , and her unpredictable episodes of low blood sugar that often scared the life out of me , until I could bring her around . Days were spent worrying about her , and nights were spent tossing and turning , with a cell phone always on and by my bed , waiting to proclaim the next catastrophe . This went on for 3 1 / 2 long years , and I could tell that my physical health and emotional health were declining rapidly . It felt like I was drowning , and I was trying to keep her head above water , while mine was going under for the third time . ( I had lost both of my dads in the span of 5 months , and really had no chance to grieve , because there was always another crisis to get through . But no one seemed to see or care what I was dealing with . It was enough to break anyone , and there is no shame in that . ) I cried out to people around me , though honestly our family had gotten so small , there was really no one to cry out to . No one that could physically make a difference , except my brother . His total contribution had been to buy the groceries and eat them , on his lunch break every day . I never felt like I could ask him to do more , or that he would be willing to . My uncle , who lived in Atlanta , was a good sounding board , and seemed to " get " how terribly difficult this was becoming for me . He never made me feel guilty for feeling like I was about to collapse , and even though he is my mom 's brother , he advised me to do what I had to do to get out of the situation , if necessary , to protect my health . My cousin Jack ( who was more like a brother , as we had been raised together until I was 7 ) also wrote me one letter saying that I could only do what I was able to do . But several times after that , I talked with him , and he seemed to be reluctant to even have an opinion . When things got so bad , before my estrangement with my mom , I wrote him an email and left a couple of messages ( reaching out once again ) , but I never got a reply . ( This hurt , as we had been fairly close because of our childhood together . ) To this day , I 've never heard from him . I changed my phone numbers so my " family " couldn 't torment me anymore , but he has always had my email address , if he wanted to reach me . He was in town for Christmas , but I was gone . However , I doubt that he will ever contact me again . His loyalties are with my mom and brother . It seems like this whole situation is fraught with collateral damage that couldn 't be avoided . And I guess that is what I want to address in this post . Bereavement can cause such stress and strife in families , and the loss of my stepfather is what ultimately led to the estrangement between my mom and me . The stress of her care all falling on me , the responsibility for her happiness and well - being , the pressure to try and do the things that he had done for her , while still having to manage my own family and life , along with my mom 's increasing physical and mental problems , was just too much for our relationship . There was some troubling history there already , though I had tried to ignore it for so long . But the more overwhelmed and tired I became ( with almost no help , and the increase daily in serious problems - a broken right foot , a broken left leg , a broken right hip , and increasing dementia ) then the more stressful the whole thing became . She became more and more belligerent and rebellious . She refused to use her walker consistently , and kept falling over and over again , until I was at my wit 's end . Now it was horribly affecting my health and well - being also . I spent half my life , it seemed , in the emergency room . Then she called me horrible names after all that I had done for her , and that was the last straw for me . As soon as I got her settled in a wonderful assisted living , my brother took her out against all medical advice , with his eye on inheriting the house . ( If she had stayed in assisted living , her house would have needed to be sold , to finance her living arrangements , and he was adamantly against that . I just wanted her properly taken care of and supervised . ) So I have not seen either of them since before Thanksgiving 2008 . As you can see , there is a fallout from death . If you have not experienced it , consider yourself fortunate . It changes the family dynamic - it brings out greed in some people , and causes others to have to bear tremendous burdens alone . Many marriages are strained because of the resulting changes , and people 's lives are in the balance . Everyone can understand the pressures when a widow or widower is left to raise a child ( or children ) alone , but few people understand the effect that a very sick , obstinate , demanding , angry ( and often just plain mean ) elder , with increasing dementia can have on a primary caregiver . For me , the problems were overwhelming , as I predict they will also eventually be for my brother , though he has help during the day ( thank the Lord ) when he works . I suspect that he does not have to attend every doctor appointment as I did . I had no help at all . Sadly , I found myself driving by the house tonight , under the cover of darkness , hoping to get a glimpse of my mother . But all I could see through the open door was my brother , standing at the sink . I am grieving , because I will likely never see my mother again . I cared for her ( and loved her ) with everything in me , and tried so hard to keep her alive for the past 3 1 / 2 years . At times I thought maybe I would die before she did . ( I take 9 medications , have diabetes and high blood pressure , and many other chronic medical problems . ) Many days are a struggle for me to get through . I gave up all my friends and social contacts , and really had little time for my daughter and husband . ( Even less for myself . ) Many just do not realize how the loss of a family member changes SO much , and not just for the spouse , but for others also . And especially for those left to care for an aging , ailing parent ( or small children ) alone . I felt overwhelmed every day of my life . I wish I could say that I felt numb now , or that I never think of her or miss her . But I can 't . She is usually the first thing on my mind every morning when I wake up , but then I remember her hateful words , and the despicable comments from my brother . That is when I pray for God to take this pain from my heart , and to help me to forgive . I still love my mother , but I don 't feel anything for my brother . I think indifference is much worse than hatred . At least there 's some passion and feeling in hatred . Forgiveness is just like grieving , I guess . It doesn 't happen all at once . It 's a process . Wounds take time to heal , and anyone who says differently has never suffered heartbreak at the hands of others . But if God says that forgiveness is possible , then I will trust that He is right . So I guess I just needed to get that out tonight . All in all , my life is a lot better now , though my physical health is still a problem . I still suffer from a sleep disorder . My heart will probably ache for the rest of my life over how this turned out , but God can also heal broken hearts . There is a limit to what a person can endure , and my death would not have enhanced my mom 's remaining time here on earth . I know that my brother is getting a dose of reality , though she will never likely emotionally abuse him , as she did me ( all my life . ) When you feel loved unconditionally ( as he is by my mom ) things are certainly easier to tolerate . But she never loved me like that , no matter how hard I tried to please her , and I 'll never understand why . This seems almost worse than death . I know you can 't understand that , unless you have walked in my shoes . But my mom doesn 't take things easily - she is a fighter , and lately she sees everyone as the enemy . She hates the nursing home , she gets angry with the staff , and she is very , very frustrated . Honestly , I feel that all in all , the staff has been amazingly caring and compassionate with her . This was something that surprised me greatly , because I had heard the horror stories that we all hear abount nursing facilities . Of course , there are some that are not our favorites , but most are kind , compassionate , and competent . Most likely , she would not have received as much quality care in another place . But you could never convince her of this . She is angry , and has told me that she sees all of them as " the enemy . " I wonder if I will also fall into that category as days go by . I hope not . I have been there for her steadily . ( At least every other day , and often every day . ) My house , my health , and my relationships have all taken a beating because of it . But I have to be there for her , and I want to . I have cried a river lately , over some of the news that I have received about her , and some days life just seems too difficult to bear . I have been nauseated , sleepless , and grief stricken . I am barely functioning . Tonight I stayed home and cleaned my kirchen . ( Just my kitchen . ) I can 't seem to focus on anything , or get anything done . I guess it 's depression because I can 't fix this situation , and I can 't change it for her . I am sure that she will think I can , and somehow hold me responsible for the outcome . But it is out of my hands . I will elaborate on this further in another post . I am 55 , and feel 75 , at least . There is so much stress in my life , and so little fun . I am having trouble believing anymore that tomorrow will be better . ( Maybe I 'm getting angry also . ) But who do I get angry at ? Fate ? Life ? God ? The Devil ? I do understand my mom 's anger , and I feel it also . I am truly worried about my health . I am having chest pains , and the uncertainty of all this , means that there is very little resolution to the problems ever . It 's all up in the air , and we 're walking on eggshells with her . She is confused and demanding , but we don 't have control over this . When we try to explain anything to her lately , she cannot retain it for long . ( That part is so very sad . ) I took her on a picnic yesterday , and she said , " Excuse me . I 'll be back in a moment . " She started to get up out of her wheelchair to go to the bathroom , because she thought she could . ( She is not allowed to walk any distance to speak of right now , unless she is in therapy , and using her walker , with close supervision . ) She simply did not comprehend that she couldn 't get up and walk to the bathroom . This is what makes her current situation so very dangerous . Sometimes she is stubborn about what she wants to do , but many times now it isn 't defiance - it 's a lack of comprehension . She simply does not understand , or retain the instructions . She totally forgets what she can or can 't do . There are mental and physical problems . The mental issues are clouding everything now , and I will elaborate on some of those later . For now , I am not ever at peace . I don 't know how to deal with this , and no one around me seems to know either . We are meeting with social workers , therapists , directors , etc . , trying to figure out what to do now . I thought that raising Chelsea , with her stubborness and strong will , was the toughest thing that I have ever done , but this is tougher . To watch your mother decline in every way , day by day , is too much to bear . At least it is for me . I have fought so hard to keep her well and happy since my dad died , and to observe this constant deterioration is devastating . I am too close to it all - too close to her . I can 't seem to accept it , and part of that is because she can 't accept any of it . She makes it all even more difficult , because she fights and rages against everyone so hard . She wants to have her way , and she doesn 't want to be told what to do . ( We all get frustrated with that , don 't we ? ) When you are younger , you never think that there will be a day that you have to face this kind of pain . It may be part of life , but it is so tough to accept . When you feel so utterly helpless and often hopeless , it is a long journey … Have you ever noticed that you can never get everything done ? I mean there 's always one more towel to fold , one more dish to wash , one more shirt to hang up , or one more piece of furniture to dust . And the truth is , there always will be . The thing about housework is that it has to be repeated . It 's never actually finished . We 'll always have bathrooms to clean , and beds to make . Such is life . We all go through times when we 're organized … and times when we 're not . But sometimes we have to just shrug our shoulders and say , " You know what ? It will all be here tomorrow . Today I 'm taking the kids to the park , or going to lunch with my husband , or I 'm going shopping . " Yes , there is an art to leaving things undone . Babies will not stay babies forever , and later we will wish for one more hug , or one more day in the park , or one more bedtime story . Husbands have a way of heading toward heaven sometimes sooner than wives , and what widow would not give all that she had to spend one more day with the love of her life ? Yes , the unmade beds can wait , and the bathtubs and toilets too ! So this past week ( from Wednesday through Sunday ) I have practiced the " noble art of leaving things undone . " My husband and I have been taking a stay home vacation . It only requires him ( a busy lawyer ) to be out of the office for three business days . ( And I have even allowed him about 2 hours a day to sign papers or make phone calls . ) Have I been tempted to spend precious time vacuuming or dusting ? NO ! ! ! And these have been wonderful days ! Since we live in a tourist town , we decided to act like tourists - ( sort of . ) The first day we went out to breakfast , and casually read the paper over coffee . We went to a thrift store ( one of my favorite activities ) , and then we went home to sit in our comfy chairs , and watch a movie . Then I started supper , and headed down to the flea market , where I have a Victorian collectibles booth to play in , while he went to the office for a couple of hours . We met back at the house , ate , watched a little tv , and back to our cozy chairs to read for a couple of hours . The next day we took a day trip to a nearby beach town , ( stopping on the way at … you guessed it … a gigantic thrift store ! LOL ! ) Then we had lunch at a home cooking cafe , and I shopped at 3 antique stores , while he headed over to talk with some of the people that work with him on adoptions in this area . ( You know men - they aren 't much for shopping . ) We enjoyed the scenery on the way home , and then we hit those wonderful chairs again for a little reading time . ( We just purchased them a few months ago . ) The next day we had to go over to the nursing home for a " care plan " meeting for my mom , who has been there temporarily for therapy , since breaking her right foot and left leg . When she gets to go home depends on the doctor 's report next Thursday . We 'll know lots more then . But all in all it was a good meeting . She has settled down a good bit , and has worked very hard during her physical therapy sessions . Today , I finally got to sleep in ( yay ! ) and we went to our favorite restaurant in Baytowne Wharf . It 's called the Marlin Grill . But they have the best steaks on earth ! I kid you not ! If you are ever in Destin , Florida - check them out . You will NOT be disappointed . ( I was disappointed , however , to find that my favorite Tea Shop ( Magnolia and Ivy ) had gone out of business . So sad . It had great gifts and tea accessories . But we walked over to the waterfront , and sat for a few minutes , and then headed to Ross - ( my second favorite store to T . J . Maxx ) . Tomorrow is Sunday , and we plan to rest and wind down . This is the first year in a long time that we didn 't go the North Carolina Mountains ( my second favorite place on earth . ) But we have had so many crises in the family , that we were just too worn out to make the trip this time . So we opted for two vacations like this . One this month , and one in August . I can 't wait till the next one ! There is a certain amount of stress that goes with traveling - packing , flying or driving , not sleeping well , etc . And I guess we eliminated all that with our staycation ( as my teenage daughter calls it . ) We managed to combine venturing out , with actually resting , and it has been delightful ! It seemed much longer than it actually was . ( Also I spent 5 days away in my favorite nearby ( nothing fancy ) motel the week before , so I was already in a vacation frame of mind . I have never needed a vacation more ! Being the primary caregiver for my elderly , widowed mom is a full time job , and we have had our share of medical crises lately . I desperately needed a break . I can see now how important it is for a caregiver to get away from time to time . It is not a luxury … it is a necessity . The burn out level is high , and everyone needs a chance to escape now and then . Yesterday was a very sad day for me . It started in the afternoon , when I was supposed to meet my mom at 1 : 30 , to take her to a town about an hour and a half away , for a glaucoma specialist 's appointment . When I got there , she was very frustrated and upset , because she couldn 't get her medication list finished . The computer was acting crazy , she was late putting her clothes on , and she seemed on the verge of tears . ( My mom does not cry easily or often . ) I tried to soothe her , and get her in the car , because she needed me to take her by the bank on the way . She was a bundle of nerves , and when she gets like that , I have to fight very hard to keep everything together . I kept reassuring her that we would make it on time , and headed for the bank . But when we got to the bank , she realized that she had forgotten her glasses . She is almost blind in one eye , due to diabetic complications , and since we were going to an eye doctor , we both realized that we must go back and get the glasses . She agreed to wait in the car , while I made the search inside . I found them on her dresser in the bedroom , and started out to the car , when suddenly she appeared in the house . She said that she wanted to get a bracelet she had just purchased , and we picked up a couple of oatmeal cookies from the kitchen , to keep her blood sugar from going low on the way . Rushing to get in the car , I knew we were going to be a little late now , but again , I reassured her that we would just call on my cell phone when we got close , and let them know . She was a nervous wreck all the way , looking at her bracelet constantly , which was in the place her watch usually was . ( But she had forgotten her watch . ) My mom always does this - constantly looking at her watch , as if looking enough times will cause us not to be late , or perhaps it is a passive - aggressive way of letting me know that I was not on time ( which lately seems to be a pattern with me , though this day I was on schedule , but she was not . ) Just a few miles down the road , she started to cry . She said she felt like she was losing it , and that her mind had been adversely affected lately . We had recently talked to the doctor about the confusion that has set in . ( She took Aricept for awhile , but the side effects were horrible , and she had to quit . She was given another drug for memory problems , but has not yet started taking it . ) She is very aware that her mind is not functioning as it once did , and this causes her great sorrow . She is very afraid of being diagnosed with Alzheimer 's . So here I am , driving as fast as I can get away with , and now she is crying . I reached over and patted her neck and head , and told her that I understood her frustration , and knew that she didn 't feel well , and tried to reassure her again that everything would be okay . ( I was not at all convinced myself that it would be , but I said it anyway . ) Then she told me that she feels like she is going to fall down every time she stands up , and I asked her to please use her walker , but she won 't - except to go to the mailbox . ( She insists on going to the mailbox - it is the highlight of her day . ) I understand how important the mail is to her . But I just don 't get that she won 't use her walker in the house , because if she falls and hurts herself , her life will change forever , and so will mine . But she is quite stubborn . I won 't bore you with the details of the visit , but she was happy that this doctor felt that possibly next year , he might be able to remove a cataract . Another doctor had told us that the improvement would be so slight , as to not be worth the risk . ( So at least that brightened her day a bit . ) We ate at a cafeteria , with a man carrying her tray , as I carried mine . ( This left her to do her usual acrobatic wobble all the way to the table , with my heart skipping beats as I watched . ) I always hold her hand everywhere we go , as she is very off balance , and can 't see well . We went to one store , and then as when we drove back to our town , she said that she needed a few groceries , and so we did grocery shopping at the lovely hour of 10 p . m . ( My mom can no longer drive due to her condition . This also was a very tragic loss of independence for her . ) Whenever I help her with groceries , I put all of her groceries on the conveyor belt , and usually back into the basket after they are bagged , unless the clerk does . Then I have to help her with her credit card , as she gets confused , as to how to run it through the machine properly . ( But then don 't we all at times ? They 're all slightly different . ) When we get home , we always fumble for the door keys , because the sensor light almost never comes on , and I finally get her safely in . Then I unload all her groceries . One trick she thought of , because I have a torn rotator cuff , is for me to use her walker ( which has a seat and a basket ) to wheel the things to the front door . We call it " The Cadillac " and it helps me tremendously . ( At least it is used for something . ) Then we struggle to get the bags into the door , and then to the kitchen . ( I usually hand her all the refrigerator items to put where she wants , and then I put away her cupboard things . ) Now you can only imagine how tired I am at the end of these type days , and I still have to drive home , and unload my own groceries . ( I just wanted to give you a feel for the way life is for us . ) I take her to all her doctor 's appointments , and errands , and I do believe that we have a different doctor for each body part . She wants to continue to live in her house independently , for as long as possible , and I agree totally , but it is heart wrenching for me to leave her each time , knowing the shape she is in . She recently fell 3 times in one week . She is also an insulin dependent diabetic , and goes low unexpectedly at times . Between my brother and I , we have managed to save her every time so far . Of course , I stay worried . When I got home , my husband brought the groceries in . He had to stay up later than he wanted , to wait for me to get home . I had called earlier and requested his help , because I was too tired to lug the groceries upstairs to our kitchen . ( Yes , an upstairs kitchen . ) When I walked into the kitchen , I began to cry , and ( this time ) he responded in a way that helped . He just put his arms around me and let me cry . ( Perhaps I 've finally taught him well . ) 🙂 I didn 't cry for long , but it helped . I cried for all that I have to go through physically and emotionally since my dad passed . I cried for the person my mother would never again be . I cried because I was afraid of what could happen to her . I cried because I might lose her . I cried because she might live longer than she wants to , and be in pain or blind or crippled . I cried for how much worse things could get with her . I cried for everything I could think of for about 2 minutes , and then I stopped . The struggle of living two lives has me totally overwhelmed . I am by nature , an organized person , but at this point my house is a wreck , I 'm behind on everything , and I may not even put up a Christmas tree this year . I will decorate the house in other ways , and with a couple of very small trees , but I have to do the family dinner and Christmas party , and it will take me almost until Christmas , to get the house in order , plan the dinner , buy the groceries , wrap the presents , etc . I don 't have a lot of full days at home , so I have to do a little at a time . ( And I have not been well myself for awhile . ) When my house is not in order , my brain is not in order either . I hate clutter . But I think the way it is now , is a symptom of the way my life is . ( Upside down , and inside out . ) I long for the days when my dad was alive . He took wonderful care of my mom , as he was so much healthier than her . Why did he have to die ? So many men have a triple bypass , and feel like a new person . Sometimes I hate the hospital for all that happened to him there , but of course it does me no good . I can 't bring him back , and I can 't change what happened . So this is my life now . Endless days of chaos and exhaustion . Recently , I think that I had my first panic attack . I suddenly had the thought that if my mom died , I would be an orphan , and I convinced myself that I would have no one left . It isn 't true , but it felt like it at the time . I do have a brother , though we 're not particularly close , and I have a daughter , ( but things have been difficult with her , to say the least ) , and I have my husband . That 's about it , except for a male cousin that I was raised with as a child , until I was 7 . I realized on my birthday this year , that other than my mom , and husband , ( and a sweet cyber greeting from my teenage daughter ) , no one else remembered or cared . It 's a lonely feeling . My birth father died just before my step dad . He used to faithfully send me a card , and a present or some money . My parents got a divorce when I was 2 , and I never got to really know my dad , the way I wanted to . Okay , I doubt anyone is still with me . I really wrote this one for myself . I had to get some of the feelings out , because they were suffocating me . Thank God for my writing , because without it , I would feel so alone . I really have no one who understands what this has been ( and is ) like . Just God and me . My mom and I have become closer though . We haven 't always had a great relationship , but now we are bonded more than ever , by our shared experiences . I love her very much . Except that now , I am the parent and she is the child , and I long for the days when it wasn 't this way . I just wish I could find some peace … Being lonely is not the same as being alone . Being alone is something I have always enjoyed . A time to reflect , to get in touch with my feelings , to do things that I like to do , and a chance to be me . I am energized by my time alone . I think deeply about things , and I detest the superficial . I 've never really fit in with most women , because I don 't like to talk small talk . I like to talk about the things in life that really count . Of course , that would be different things to different people , I guess . And yet , I have often been lonely in the company of others . It is not the presence of bodies that chases loneliness , but the presence of understanding . Just finding even one person who " gets " what you 're feeling is a true blessing . Some never find that in a lifetime of relationships . In many ways , I feel that perhaps I am too sensitive for this world . I feel things much too deeply , and I ache inside , when I can 't understand how people can be so cruel to each other . I feel like there are many thoughts , talents , longings , and desires untapped within me . But time is moving on , and I have yet to fulfil many of them . One that I am beginning to enjoy is my writing . From the time I was a little girl , I have loved to put words on paper . I enjoy writing poems and articles , and also Bible teachings . I am most satisfied when I am writing , and then teaching or discussing the things I have researched . There is so much to learn , and sometimes I lose sleep rather than stop my research . I want to know so many things . Since my dad died a little over 2 years ago , I have been taking care of my elderly , ailing mom . She has become my life 's focus . At times I am honored to be there for her , and at other times I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all . She still lives independently , but is an insulin dependent diabetic , who goes low unexpectedly , and has many other health problems . At first , I thought it was my responsibility to keep her alive , and I could not rest at night for worrying so much . But I finally realized that only God can keep her alive . And I can be God 's helper , but I can 't be God . It 's a truth that I learned in my counseling sessions , and one that has set me free , to an extent . I will share a little more of my life as time goes on . It has been very difficult in many ways . But I believe that it is up to me to make my life better . None of us know how long we have on this earth , and we are not promised tomorrow . It is a revelation that is often learned through the unexpected loss of someone dear . So I will start today with a new outlook . I will learn from the past , and hopefully , not repeat its mistakes . I will be thankful for who I am , where I live , and who I love . And I will try to find my place in this world .

Well here I am , diddling away in a bloody notebook . The doctor asked me to write this - he reckons it will help me get my head together . I 'll give anything a go to get out of this nut house . Of course , Gran says it 's all for the best , but what the hell does she know ? She thinks everything is ' for the best ' - even when my dog Booger got hit by a truck and died by the side of the road . Good one Gran . But before I get carried away , I guess I 'd better make an admission . I 'm a thief . I 've never really told that to anyone before , but then again why would I ? It 's not something that you just go around bragging about . The shrink in this place reckons I steal because of all the shit I 've been copping at school on account of me being a late developer . See , my name is Tony Snatt , but most people know me as Baldy . Baldy , what a name , it 's like a kick to the nuts every time someone calls out to me . Can you imagine ? Eighteen years old , and not a single pube to show for it ? I 'm not real particular about what I like to swipe , but if I 've got to narrow it down I reckon porno mags top the list . Don 't get me wrong , I know that the net is chock full of porn , but I sorta like the reassurance of having some material on hand when the lights go out . You see , Gran 's a full on greenie and on cloudy days we only have about 2 hours of charge in the battery for the electric lights . I 'm not going to call it romantic , but a candlelight toss sure has its charms . Oh yeah , there 's another reason I like to pinch things - plain old fun . I once took some bloke 's bike from outside the 7 / 11 and rode it around for a couple of hours . When I got sick of it I hooned down the steepest hill in our town , the one that leads to the marina . I shot down that hill so fast that when I got to the jetty I almost lost control as I bumped my way over the wooden planking . My mate Noel said that if there was any sort of justice I should have been snapped up by a shark then and there . I laughed at the time , not for a second did I believe in a ' higher power ' or any of that sort of mumbo jumbo . But that was before … before what happened at work last Saturday night . But before we get to that , I 've got to tell you about the lead up to it . So I s ' pose this story starts on Saturday morning , around 11am . I 'd been at the park with my two best mates , Noel and Wippa , and I 've gotta say , we were bored out of our minds . Footy season is over , and the cricket has just begun . If there 's one thing I hate in this life , it 's bloody cricket . Some people call it ' watching the grass grow , ' and I reckon that sums up how I feel about it too . Hours and hours of standing there in the field , nothing happening . All of a sudden there 's this bloody great leather ball rocketing straight at your head . And let me tell you , that thing is rock hard . If you don 't catch it right , look out - you 're going to have the sorest hands this side of Hampton . Not only that , you 're going to look like a right shit in front of your team mates . I once dropped the ball and got booed - by my own team ! Anyway , there we were , sitting around the kid 's playground , bored shitless . We 'd just finished off the last of our durries , and were scratching around for something to do . Just as Noel was starting to tell us for the fifteenth time about how he 'd seen Jenny Tisdale 's boobs through the change room window as she got ready for the athletics carnival last year , I had a sudden flash of inspiration . I remembered that a new convenience shop had opened down at the Bay Side Shopping Centre . I 'd had a look in at it once and seen that it was run by this tiny little Indian fella who wore a turban with a fat red ruby fixed to the front of it . I told the boys about it , and we decided to go down and see if we could pinch a couple of things . We were in the shop , and as usual Noel and Wippa got cold feet . They just shuffled around pretending to look at things , but I could see that they were freaking out and wanted to get the hell out of there . I think it was because of the little Indian bloke - there was something about the way he was watching us that was sort of unnerving . He was sitting on this high chair behind the counter , real calm expression on his face , and it was like he knew exactly what we were up to . But he didn 't say anything , and I wasn 't going to be put off by some little bloke with a calm demeanor . I stuffed two Mars Bars , a Twix , and a Cherry Ripe into my pockets as I pretended to look at the key ring stand . When I was over by the magazines , I stuck a porno down the front of my trackies . Not a bad haul , really . We went to the park and ate the chocolates , then had a look at the porno . It was a pretty good one , but it 's tough looking at that sort of thing when you 're with two other blokes . You 're standing there with a boner that 's making a teepee out of your trackies , and you 've gotta act like everything 's just fine . Ah well , there 's worse things in this world I s ' pose . Before I knew it 2pm rolled around , and I said ' see ya later ' to my mates and headed off to work at the bottle shop . I only got the job two months ago , couple of days after I turned eighteen . I stand on the check out for eight hours straight , scan the bottles , put them in boxes , and say the same shit over and over again : ' Hi , how are you today ? … That 's good … Okay thank you , have a nice day . ' Imagine saying that to about a thousand people in a row and you 'll have some sort of understanding about how dull it is . So I was standing there , feeling like a cassette player with a twenty second tape in me , when something totally out of the ordinary happened - this string of really funny customers started coming in . This one old dude came up to the counter , brimming with a crazy sort of energy . He plonked his case of beer down and beamed at me . ' And how are you today young fella ? ' I could see from the sparkle in his eye that he really meant it . He winked at me , swung the beer up onto his shoulder , and headed for the sliding doors at the back of the shop . Now , as I was saying earlier , it 's pretty rare to meet a customer with that sort of personality - most of them wander up to the counter with faces that are a mile long . But not this old bloke , so I decided to call out after him - you know , something nice and enthusiastic . I opened my mouth and already knew that I was going to say ' have a top day mate ' , but all that came out of my mouth was this sort of strangled groan . I cleared my throat and tried again , but the second time was even worse . My throat sort of quivered and I let out a reedy whistle , like the sound a kettle makes when it 's boiling . The old dude turned around and looked at me , and all I can say is thank Christ for hearing loss - he beamed at me again , tapped the case of beer that was up on his shoulder and gave me a big thumbs up . I turned to face the next customer . It was this real uptight looking guy - grey business suit , thin black tie , neatly clipped moustache … the sort of guy you 'd sketch out if someone asked you to draw a picture of anal retention personified . I didn 't feel too embarrassed in front of him about my strange sounding voice , so I decided to see if it was still playing up . I opened my mouth and felt the ' hi , how are you today ' begin to slide up my throat on its well oiled tracks , but about halfway up something went wrong , and all that came out was a giant burp . The businessman looked up at me , and it just goes to show that you can 't judge a book by its cover - he burst out laughing and decided to lay a choice anecdote on me : ' I just got back from holiday in Fiji . While I was over there my credit card got stolen - I still haven 't reported it , the thieves are spending less than my wife would . I figure I 'm better off . ' I couldn 't believe that such a square looking guy could be so off the wall . Who tells a story like that when someone burps in their face ? I opened my mouth , expecting gales of laughter to come pouring out , but there was nothing - no sound at all . Not even an unexpected shriek . As I stood there , jaw swinging in the breeze , I heard a noise that made the hairs on my arms stand up and start to quiver . At the far end of the shop a great big chuckle started up , and when I say chuckle , I mean a real deal belly laugh . Someone up there was having the laugh of a lifetime . The businessman dragged his eyes away from my face and peered up the aisle . The customers behind him were doing the same - the usual look of bored impatience gone from their faces . I leaned out over the counter and tried to get a better look at where this laughter was coming from , but I couldn 't see - the row of waiting customers was blocking my line of sight . Now , as I 'm sure you would imagine , I was at this point more than a little bit freaked out by my lack of ability to speak . I tried muttering ' fuck ' beneath my breath - you know , one of those helpful curses that serve to knock the needle on the mental pressure gauge back a few clicks . And would you believe it if I told you that although nothing came out of my own mouth , at the far end of the shop the laughter suddenly stopped , and someone yelled out ' fuck ' at the top of their lungs ? I bet you wouldn 't believe it , but I 'm telling you , that 's exactly what happened . A few of the customers started to get upset about this weird behavior - they put their bottles down on the floor and walked straight out of the shop , noses in the air . I can 't say I blame them ; the place was beginning to take on the air of a nut house . With this thinning out of the line at my register I was able to get a better look up the aisle , and who do you reckon was standing at the far end of the shop ? Yeah you guessed it : the tiny little Indian bloke from the Bay Side convenience shop . He saw me looking at him and wagged his finger at me , and then he called down to me . ' You come into my shop and you put my livelihood in your pockets , isn 't it ? ' It 's hard to explain what happened next . I remember standing there staring at him , and I couldn 't seem to look at anything but the ruby that was fixed to the front of his turban . It started to glow , and I could see a bright red beam pouring out of it . My forehead started to get real hot , like the beam was flowing straight into it . And then I heard this voice . I feel weird saying it , but it was like the voice of God - clear , loud and completely inside my mind . And then all of these images started pouring in . I saw every time I 'd ripped someone off , I saw my sneering face as I rode that bike into the bay - and then I saw Jim Trill , this little fella in year 9 . He was getting whacked across the face by his piss - head dad , and his dad was yelling at him . I remember my head felt like it was about to explode . White heat boring straight into the front of my forehead , right where Gran told me the third eye is located . Have you ever felt peak rage , sorrow , regret and terror swirling through your mind at the same time ? I hope you never do . My mouth was clamped shut , but the last thing I remember was a piercing scream that cut through everything - straight through the images , straight through the feelings . Everything eclipsed by the scream . I went to church on Good Friday . A man standing by the lectern preached about the importance of choice in our lives . Then , we sang a hymn . Every single believer but me sang pretty well . The preacher said , ' Anyone interested , please come over here . ' The believers flooded to the lectern . They were asked to choose either a black bean or a white bean . Some took a black bean in a transparent plastic cup . Others took a white bean in an opaque plastic cup . At that moment , the floor underneath the believers who swallowed white beans cracked open and they fell into a deep pit . Those who chose black beans seemed to be relieved and returned to their seats contentedly . The preacher said , ' You see ? This is the importance of choice in our lives ! ' I saw a woman weeping in the train . Her face was reddish and slightly swollen with alcohol . Then her phone rang . While she was talking she only said , ' Why ? ' Hanging up , she started sobbing again . She cried like an animal . She opened the window , and threw the phone to the outside of the train . Finally , her body was completely covered with her tears . They looked scaly . She had become a large fish . After flopping on the seat several times , she leaped through the window and dived into the water under the Harbour Bridge . She left behind her tears , which were as hot as melted iron . From the bus , I saw a woman in the cemetery . She was polishing a tombstone , kneeling down on the ground . She was the only one in the cemetery . The tombstone was shining like a gray gem while other graves were deserted , or broken . I arrived at the Shopping Centre . There was a huge arch of pink balloons and flowers for Mother 's Day . There were a lot of people carrying flowers in their arms . The petals of chrysanthemums in their arms were rigid as soldiers . I bought eggs and milk , and left , wondering how cruel Australians were , since chrysanthemums are only used in funerals in Japan . On the way home , the bus passed by the cemetery again . Nobody was there , but a fresh bunch of flowers were left in front of the shining tombstone . The flowers were swaying like a giggling child , blown in the wind . I wondered how many mothers were lying in the cemetery . Then I remembered my own mother , Nanohana , who was named for a flower that blooms in spring , and was proud of that . I happened to find a shovel at a museum shop , which was heavy and reminded me of my childhood . When I was a child , I was afraid of shovels . Every spring , without any good reason , the heavy lumps of iron were given to us , and we were forced to plant sweet potato seedlings . We dug , until the teacher told us to stop . The teacher said , ' We 'll harvest in the autumn , ' although none of us asked when to harvest . I didn 't really want to harvest , because I knew I would have plenty of food in autumn even without sweet potatoes . I would rather have washed my hands as soon as possible , and have run away from the garden named after the manga character in which I was least interested . The hole I made looked like a grave for me . I didn 't like adults or children . A museum attendant asked me if I would be interested in gardening . I smiled , looked at the shovel with a floral pattern and then asked her if I could make a grave with it . The staff was appalled and stepped back , but assured me , ' If you want . ' I went to a swimming pool in the city . My goal was to be able to swim fifty metres . I managed to swim forty - five metres today . I am almost there . However , as I forgot to bring my goggles , my eyes became bloodshot and everything I saw became hazy . Even after I had left the sports centre , I couldn 't see things clearly . Later , I went to a Turkish restaurant . The restaurant was filled with smoke . Rubbing my eyes , I ordered a kebab . A waiter asked if I needed a regular salad . I couldn 't read the menu but could only see his white teeth shining dimly . I left the restaurant , groping for a beacon outside . The street lights were the strangest . I could see a dim ring around the light . It looked like a halo , and I regretted that I went to the church frequently these days despite the fact I was a Buddhist . Walking at a snail 's pace to the station , I passed through Hyde Park . There was an extraordinarily huge possum . The possum looked at me as a beggar . I remembered that I had a Tim Tam and opened my bag . However , because of haziness , I couldn 't find it . The possum seemed to be really irritated . Finally , I found a Tim Tam and threw it to the possum . However , the possum rejected it and said , ' Mate , can I have a durry ? ' Then I finally found that it wasn 't a huge possum but a homeless person . I apologised to him and scurried back to my home . As I make it a rule to write outside on a sunny day , I went to a park . When I was sitting on the bench and writing , I could see two girls dancing an Indian dance . One of them was Indian and another girl was Chinese . They seemed to be practicing for a performance . The Indian girl was teaching the Chinese girl . As they had danced for more than an hour in front of me , I realised that the Indian dance consisted of four patterns . The Indian girl ( I named her ' A ' ) did two - four - three - one - three - four - four - two , while the Chinese girl ( I named her ' B ' ) did two - four - one - three - one - four - three - one . ' A ' did two - four - three - one - three - four - four - two again , but ' B ' did two - four - two - three - one - four - four - one . ' A ' did two while ' B ' did four . When ' B ' did three , ' A ' did four . I took a wrong train . It was a night train to go to Melbourne . I had plenty of time and didn 't have anything to do but sleep . My face reflected in the window was as black as a portrait drawn in Indian ink . It wasn 't easy to sleep . I looked at an obese man sitting on the other side of my seat . He had been talking to himself , while looking at his computer screen , ' Crap … Crap … Crap … ' I looked into the screen and found he was watching a film . It was a film of his own life . He was a child who was lovely , smart and vulnerable . He could get high marks in any subject , but wasn 't good at playing any sports . One day , he was chosen as a rugby team member by lots . It was obvious he was the poorest in the team . He didn 't practice and was absent on the day of the rugby match , because he didn 't want to show his poor rugby playing . Next day , nobody blamed him , but he blamed himself . He reckoned himself a loser . He graduated from school and got a job in a construction company , but soon quit . He stayed indoors and kept on eating . He believed he was always starving despite his body swelling like a balloon . He clicked a rewind button and started watching the film again , murmuring , ' Crap … Crap … Crap … ' Then , our eyes met . He said , ' What are you looking at ? ' When I got to the bus stop , there was a sign . It said this was no longer a bus stop due to the changed road conditions . I found an aged couple sitting on the bench . I said this was no longer a bus stop . They looked at each other , laughed and said that was why they were waiting here . Again , I said this was no longer a bus stop and therefore the bus wouldn 't come no matter how long you would wait . The husband studied me and then whispered something into his wife 's ear . His wife slightly nodded and opened her bag . She fumbled her red enamel bag and took out a piece of a yellowish paper . It was a timetable . However , I couldn 't read it because there were so many small holes in the paper . Again , I said the bus wouldn 't come , folding the paper . They burst into laughter . I was disgusted with them and started walking . After a while , however , I felt sorry for the couple . Both of them must be suffering from dementia . After having walked for a couple of minutes , however , I heard a thundering sound . Looking back , I could see the bus stop flying across the sky , like a skyrocket . The couple in the rocket - like bus stop waved to me with big grins . Then , I realised they had been waiting for the moment the bus stop would no longer be a bus stop , literally . She called me and said she wouldn 't be able to talk for more than ten minutes because she was now imprisoned . I was really surprised because she was my best friend and was unlikely to commit a crime . I asked what she had done . She said she set the woods on fire , which wasn 't intentional . I suggested that she should have claimed that she was innocent . She said she couldn 't because it was true that she had set fire to a palm tree in the woods . I asked her why she had set the fire on the palm tree . She answered she was falling in love with the tree and couldn 't forgive it for reaching its branch to another palm tree . She confessed that she was about to lose her marbles whenever the palm tree quivered its leaves in a blowing wind . When she was about to say something , the telephone was disconnected . I wondered if she had already become crazy . There lives a coy carp in the Sinobazu pond within Ueno Park in Tokyo . No one has seen it swimming . Hidden under waterweed , seemingly , it keeps still . It has a hobby , though . There lives a coy carp in the Shinobazu pond within Ueno Park in Tokyo . No one has seen it swimming . Hidden under waterweed , seemingly , it keeps still . It is an ambitious carp , actually . Mr Sato our boss is now often absent on Wednesday . It 's quite okay because he is just taking his paid leaves . He 's within his rights . I had a friend called Jim . When I first met him , we were final - year students at the university . He was the kindest man I had ever met . We would often go to the beach on Sunday . Jim would tell me the names of birds floating in the clear sky . I would talk with him about my dream of becoming a poet . He would never laugh at my callowness . It may be just because both of us were intoxicated throughout the summer , though . When the summer was over , Jim left the town in order to get a job in a city on the east coast . On the day he left , we promised to meet again . I haven 't seen him since then . I have forgotten his gentle voice , sunburnt skin and coy smile . We didn 't take any pictures in that summer . All I can remember now is the taste of bitter tides , and that we did believe we were immortal while we drank beer on the beach . Stefan nodded to say he knew the stuck - in - a - hole feeling . Berlin had been like that . Balmain was becoming like that . He wanted to go back to North Arm , but he wanted company as well . Watching the crumbs part from her lips , he thought the company could be Julie . Stefan had spent the last six months helping Helmut renovate a terrace . The job was done . Stefan had stopped paying him . Sydney was expensive . He had to get back . Perhaps she would . ' Money is not a problem . I make good dough . And the valley is beautiful . The nature is quiet and green . People are so free there , not imprisoned by all this city Scheisse . ' Until recently , Julie worked for a Broadway chew n spew . To get the job she didn 't even mention the philosophy major . Derrida was slick , but so was constant grease . It was a job , that 's all you could say . She didn 't mind , apart from the money , when she got laid off . Stefan met her a few times when he bought munchies for him and Helmut . Stefan and Julie would talk so much that by the time Stefan got back the take - out would be cold , or eaten . After a few times , Helmut , his voice hungry and stomach sore , suggested he should get the take - out and Stefan get the date . Julie went out with him a few times . He adored her . When he said she could share his bedroom at Helmut 's house , she did . Stefan was focussed , sensitive and a good listener . Nothing like Helmut . Helmut was a bit off the air , spending hours straightening bent nails and collecting old planks from construction sites . His terrace , a two bedder on the point road , was beautiful or would have been if not for the piles of stuff stacked everywhere . Julie had never been up north . But the way Stefan spoke made it seem like a magical place , a place where you could unwind and breathe again . She wanted to go to Melbourne first , put a few things in order , then fly up . Stefan would meet her in Coffs in a few weeks time . Julie thought that Stefan was one of the few men she had ever met who understood what she was saying . The way he tilted and nodded his head when she spoke was proof enough , she thought , of the import he gave her every word . Stefan lived in a small shed made from ripple iron stitched together with six gauge next to the river on Christina 's land . When he got back he realised there were going to be a few problems with Julie moving in . The shed was not an ideal home , though he knew of couples who lived in far worse . Anna and Ivan lived in an upturned water tank on the adjoining property and seemed OK . And then there were the Silk People and their teepees . Still , he could do better than a shed . He had saved up some money . Perhaps he could afford a shipping container . Stefan had the 40 footer delivered from Coffs , and positioned exactly where he wanted it , on a rocky outcrop overlooking a small field bounded on one side by the Nambucca and another by a grove of camphor laurel trees . On its side in big white letters was written the words ' Hamburg Süd ' which made him smile . It took him a while to work the door bolts loose . When he finally coaxed the doors open he found the container packed with boxes of water - damaged second - hand books . Thousands of them . He managed to stack about 20 boxes of books in the paddock before giving up for the day . He literally had a truck load of books to shift . The next morning Christina knocked on his shed door . Stefan 's shed and container were parked on Christina 's land . She lived in the old homestead on the other side of a small hill . In return for living on her land , Stefan kept an eye on the fences , many of which had disappeared into the river now that it had changed course . ' Stefan ! You need to help me . One of the Charolais is sick . ' Christina was a thin bony woman with eyes like a Jersey . Her reason for living was to enter Charolais cattle into the Bowraville and District Annual Agricultural Show . Among the webs in her mahogany lined living room were festooned the red and blue ribbons of previous victories . She spent most of her days hoeing thistles and talking back to talk - back radio , which lived in one of her ears via a miniature transistor . Her talking back was always in the fields . People said she talked to her cows . Stefan knew nothing about cattle , but Christina thought he did . Stefan 's father had been a doctor , and some of the common sense had rubbed off . He followed her towards the dam where a creamy white cow sat . Charolais were normally skittish , but this one let both go right up to her . Stefan scratched behind her neck , the way cows like . The heifer looked dolefully up at him , and then vomited copiously , not bothering to move its body . The vomit was sludgy grey . Some of it seemed to have straight edges . Stefan sat on his haunches and peered at it . There was type amongst the goo . He thought he could make out a word . Recherche ? ' Seems to me she 's eaten something she shouldn 't have . " he said . " Probably she will get over it in a day or two . You should just make sure she has some water with a bit of molasses . ' ' I see your new container has turned up . Should be an improvement for you . By the way , you haven 't seen my radio ? I 've dropped it somewhere . ' Stefan made a corral out of star stakes and pig wire so the cattle couldn 't get in , and moved the boxes there . He spent the rest of the day stacking more boxes from inside the container . It was hard work . Spring was still some way off . The nights were cold and the mornings frosty , but there was bite to the daytime heat . By noon the air was damp and hot . Every now and then he 'd break open a box to see what sort of books were inside . They were mostly novels , and a lot of self - help books . Sometimes he would come across a philosophy book , and if it wasn 't too damaged he 'd take it inside , thinking it might be something for Julie to read . He also kept a few German authors , even though they were in translation . He stacked about 100 boxes into the corral . Christina would probably evict him if she knew he had been poisoning her cattle with literature . Maybe he should just chuck the lot in the river . He shook his head at the thought . If the Bowraville Argus was to be believed , the river was already polluted enough downstream . He thought about burning them . Burning them made a lot more sense , as he was in constant need of firewood for his Aga . He had shifted the Aga from the shed just the day before . The Aga was small and positioned right next to the door of the container . Any further in and the whole container would become an oven . Stefan used it to bake German sourdough , which he sold at the Community Markets . The Aga needed fuel that burned slowly , and evenly . Not too hot . He 'd give the books a try . As he worked he noticed the sick cow had come over to see what he was doing . She seemed better already , but wasn 't grazing , just looking at him and chewing her cud as he piled the books alongside the container . It was unnerving having the cow watch intently . It was like she knew what he was doing . Stefan put down another box of books , and using it as a stool , sat down and stared at the cow , catching his breath . ' My point is that you yourself don 't see what is obvious . I am talking to you . That is obvious . She will leave you . That is obvious . But on both counts you refuse to believe the truth of your own senses . ' Stefan stared slack jawed . Not only did the cow speak to him , but the voice was ethereal and beautifully modulated . A wonderful speaking voice , but one that sounded tiny and far away . It was like a man 's voice . It had a slight lisp perhaps , but one that was hard to detect , and probably a result of chewing while at the same time speaking . ' You say she 's leaving , but how would you know ? You know nothing of my relationship with Julie , nothing at all . You know nothing about me . And you have never even met her ! How do you say you know these things ? ' ' I know how these things work . I 've digested quite a bit of human thought . And besides , why shouldn 't you trust me ? I am a cow . Why would I lie ? ' Stefan tried to ask more questions , but the cow remained silent . Eventually she sat down in the shade of the container quite close to where he was working . He watched her intently , but after a while she stopped looking at him , and closed her eyes for minutes at a time . Some time later , with some heaving and snorting , the cow got up , and walked slowly over to where the rest of the herd was grazing . Julie laughed . She wasn 't the least bit sure , but she wasn 't going to tell Stefan that . Stefan had worked hard to make a little home out of his new shipping container . He 'd even managed to build a small deck overlooking a gully and the Nambucca where they could sit at night once the weather warmed up . For the next few weeks , things seemed to go smoothly . Stefan burned books in the Aga , using it to bake bread . He had come across a case of Thomas Mann , in English translation , which burned particularly well . It was strange how different books burned in different ways . Burning Nietzsche was next to impossible , even though all the books were completely dry . An entire case of DH Lawrence remained damp no matter what he did . Stefan had even taken to placing the books on the steel roof of the container during the daytime to help dry them , but after weeks Sons and Lovers not only remained damp but mold had begun to grow across the pages . He would have to dig a pit and compost them . For the most part the Aga was well fuelled and Stefan 's bread baking business boomed . He left the container doors propped open because of the heat . They lay in bed listening to the sounds of frogs and night birds , feeling the night breeze on their faces . One morning he got up early , and put his gumboots and Drizabone on . The air was cold enough for breath clouds , and there was a thick frost on the grass . He walked over to the camphor laurel grove and looked around . It was still too dark to see properly , but he soon spotted the herd , their thick white coats giving them the appearance of ghosts in the gloaming . The entire herd , about twenty breeders , a few calves and heifers were sitting under a thicket of trees where it was a few degrees warmer than the open paddock . He trod carefully , his boots not even crunching the frost . They still sensed him . They all turned their heads his way to watch him come . Even though they were Charolais , not one of them stirred or showed the least sign of agitation . Stefan got up so close he could almost reach out and touch them . He smelt their sugary breath . He realised he had no idea which of the cows was the one who spoke to him . ' You need to explain yourself . Why will she leave ? What have I done ? Why won 't you speak to me ? It won 't happen , you know . I will leave her first . ' ' Stefan ? ' There was a catch of concern in the voice . Stefan looked from cow to cow , trying to work out which one had uttered his name , realising too late that the voice had come from behind him . He turned around . Julie came closer , looking around . It was clear she didn 't believe him . Stefan knew he had to act . Far better for him to leave her then she to leave him . ' Look , we aren 't meant for each other . This is clear to me . It 's better we split now and remain friends than later on become enemies . ' The words sounded hollow . Stefan opened his mouth to say he had been talking to a cow , but thought better of it . He nodded sagely . ' Yes , you are correct . It was Christina . ' Julie 's face contorted in agony and she started sobbing once more . That night Stefan slept on the roof . The next morning he took her into Macksville so she could catch the Sydney Express . He offered to wait on the platform with her , but she said no . Her grief had turned to anger . Later that night , alone in his container , Stefan started to feel bad about the whole situation . He would drive into town and try ringing her in the morning , but it all seemed so hopeless . Why had he done it ? After a few hours the moon rose . The container doors were open as usual , as he was baking for the Saturday markets . Unable to sleep , Stefan put on his gumboots and walked towards the camphor laurel grove . The moon was full and heavy . The light cast strong shadows across the fields . A flicker of shadow made him look up . A cloud , but perhaps not . Something that for all the world looked like Anna , skirts , boots and all , flying across its face as if on the zenith of a giant leap . This time he recognised the Charolais who had spoken to him . It was the way she was chewing her cud . She 'd move her jaws from side to side for a few seconds then stop , then start again . The cow swallowed and lifted its head as if to say something . Stefan waited . The Charolais , its head held high , bellowed so loudly that the sound echoed through the night . It was a cry of sorts , the sound a cow makes when it has lost its calf , or is calling for a bull . An elemental sound so loud and forlorn that for a second or two Stefan wasn 't sure if it was him or the cow making all the noise . THE QUARRY IS … A journal of student writing from the Department of English , Macquarie University . For further information contact the creative writing program convenor , Dr Jane Messer : jane . messer @ mq . edu . au

The flat , controlled voice on the phone belonged to a young woman who identified herself as Lisa Norris , daughter of Alan and Lynette Norris . The homicides in the elite equestrian community of Palos Verdes were front page headlines in the Los Angeles news media yesterday morning . The newspaper reported three murders , not two - Lisa 's parents and their son . No mention of a suspect , either . My gut told me Lisa was being completely honest . My intuitive skills are second nature . I don 't question them , nor do I always know how to explain them . As a child , I was mentored by my paternal grandmother , a telepath and clairvoyant . As an adult , I have studied the Eastern philosophies about the integration of the mind , body and spirit . The physical feeling I had about Lisa was centered in my solar plexus , an energy center known in ancient Sanskrit as the third chakra or " power " chakra . No surprise that I sensed Lisa 's powerlessness . I took a steadying breath . " I 'm very sorry for your loss . What can I do to help ? " The name made me smile . I was glad to hear Nick Oates was in charge of the investigation . He is married to my friend from college and is more open - minded about my gift than most people . His wife Christine has extrasensory perception as well . He 's also aware of my higher - than - average success in tracking down individuals to serve subpoenas or find a witness to a car accident or a crime . The more I know about finding someone , the more I know how to help someone get lost in the system . Nick knew I had helped victims of domestic violence who were running scared for their lives . Mistakes can be made . Loopholes in the system can leave them vulnerable . I guide them through the process . " If Detective Oates sent you , that 's all I need to know . " Before I could say another word , she began to sob , making her words indistinguishable . I had a hard time understanding her . " Lisa , where are you ? " One of the partners , Bob Ford , and I have known each other since we were in junior high when the entire seventh grade found out about my psychic abilities and kids started calling me a witch . Years later , Bob heard I was struggling to make ends meet as a single mother and hired me to work part - time to serve subpoenas and track down information for his cases . My intuitive skills turned out to be tremendously helpful . After sixteen years , I acquired the skills and logged enough apprenticeship hours with the attorney to qualify for my own investigator 's license . My clients include quite a few lawyers , including Bob , as well as referrals such as Lisa Norris . My veggie sandwich finished , I was on my second lemonade when a white Porsche 911 Carrera pulled into an empty space at the curb . I had no reason to suspect the tall brunette sliding out of the driver 's side was Lisa , but I knew . She was about five - eight , not more than a hundred - twenty pounds . Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail . She wore large dark sunglasses . Too large , actually . My stomach clenched at the realization she probably wore them to cover a black eye . An accessory I 'd seen too many times before . The pale blue track suit and athletic shoes seemed out of place for the warm afternoon . Considering the flashy car , she appeared more like the type to wear a breezy sundress and strappy sandals . But she couldn 't run from an assailant in a dress and heels . As she locked the car , she looked side to side , taking in her surroundings . Not like a tourist . Like a woman who knows she is being stalked . She saw me watching through the café window and froze . I crossed the busy street in the middle of the block and introduced myself . Lisa had a firm handshake and a politeness that masked the shock of her dire circumstances . When we touched , I couldn 't say I got a visual flash of insight . That 's not how it works with me . However , I could " hear " her thoughts , though nothing specific . Grief and fear were tamped down by sheer determination . The UCLA logo on her jacket provided an opportunity to put her more at ease . " I 'm a Bruin , too . I majored in Spanish with a minor in education , but I 'd planned on a degree in Child Psychology . How about you ? " The light in her eyes made her seem as if she was back in class instead of facing an unknown future . I smiled , instantly recognizing why I had been compelled to bring up his name . Before we 'd met as student and teacher , he 'd known about me as a study subject in the parapsychology laboratory at UCLA 's Neuropsychiatric Institute . His fascination with my abilities led to long conversations after class and we became good friends . We still touch base every now and then . He was also aware of my work with victims of domestic violence . If Nick hadn 't sent Lisa to me , there was no doubt in my mind that Dr . Phillips would have given her my number . As the door swung shut , I put my arm around her shoulders and guided her through the lobby toward the elevator . She was right , of course . If her brother was really trying to kill her , she couldn 't risk going anywhere he 'd know to look . " I know you 're terrified . And I know you feel abandoned and alone . But not anymore . Now that you 're here , I will do everything I can to help you and keep you safe . " I pressed the UP button , catching a glimpse of our reflection in the polished aluminum doors . My wavy dark red hair curled around my ears and could use a trim . At five - seven , I 'm taller than most women but , standing next to Lisa , I was a few inches shorter than her and more than a few pounds heavier . Who wouldn 't be ? She had the slender figure of a teen model . I had the body of a forty - year - old athlete . Well , at the very least , a very fit forty - year - old mom . As much as I wanted to wrap this poor girl in my arms for a big hug of reassurance , I sensed that she would not open herself to me in that way . Not yet . I didn 't need to be telepathic to know she was trying to remain composed and not fall apart . There would be time for that later . I took a couple minutes to settle in at my desk , hoping to give her a moment to quiet her nerves before I had to tackle the tough questions . With the big sunglasses still masking her face , she looked around the office , drew in a deep breath and reached up to take them off . Her hazel eyes were bloodshot filled with so much pain that my heart clenched . This feeling in the chest is an exchange of energy - raw , emotional energy . The fourth chakra , also known as the heart chakra , translates emotional pain as a physical sensation in our own bodies . Lisa took another breath as her eyes welled with tears . " I 'm sorry , " she stammered , her chin quivering . " I 've already been through this with the police . I thought I could go over it again without falling to pieces . " For someone who had just lost both her parents , she was being awfully hard on herself . This told me a lot about the girl . She expected herself to be tough as nails , no matter what the circumstances . " Actually , you 're handling it a lot better than I would expect . " I grabbed several tissues from a box on top of the locked filing cabinet next to the water cooler . " Take all the time you need . I 'm not going anywhere . " Thanking me for the tissues , she blotted under her eyes , then took a deep breath and squared her shoulders . " I was in my apartment on Sunday , working on a school project that was due the next day . I was supposed to be at my parents ' for a family dinner , but my cat knocked a glass of water all over the papers . I called Mom around four o ' clock to cancel because of the mess Sophie had made . " Lisa paused , absently rubbing her sunglasses against the leg of her sweat pants . One corner of her mouth turned up in a crooked , sad smile . " It 's so weird , " she went on . " Sophie 's never done anything like that before . All of sudden , she woke from a nap on the chair , walked straight to my desk , jumped up and smacked my glass with her paw . You probably think I 'm crazy , but I swear she did it on purpose . " In my mind 's eye , I saw a large , fluffy , black and white cat deliberately swat at a glass . Lisa was unknowingly sending me her visual memory , as well as a feeling of awe and gratitude toward the animal that had kept her from leaving her apartment that afternoon . Kept her from going home . Kept her alive . The telepathic imagery was no surprise to me , considering the strength and depth of her emotions tied to the realization of what Sophie had done . " I don 't think you 're crazy , " I said in all sincerity . " I believe you . Sophie saved your life . " " No . Only Kevin and Tommy . " She folded her hands on top of the table , her knuckles whitening . " Tommy was shot just like my parents . He 's in the ICU at Torrance Memorial under police protection for now . They let the news reporters think he 's dead until they track down Kevin . " Her last words were a soft whisper . " He 's two years older than me and was going to USC for three years . About a month ago , the school called our parents because Kevin hadn 't been attending classes . Apparently , he 'd gotten mixed up with drugs . We shouldn 't have been surprised . In the last several months , he stopped dressing nicely . His clothes were a mess , his hair was greasy and he needed a shower . That wasn 't like him at all . He was always such a great dresser . Always cared about what he looked like . When Mom and Dad confronted him about the phone call from the counselor , he admitted to smoking a little pot but denied having anything stronger . My parents threatened to cut off all financial support if he didn 't take a drug test . That 's when he really got mad . " She fell silent . I stopped writing and looked up . Her head was bowed . I watched her intense scrutiny of her folded hands . Her fingers tightened as if she were fighting for control . My own fingers ached and my throat constricted from the empathic energy . She took another deep breath and exhaled before she continued . " They didn 't hear from him again until he called last Thursday . He agreed to go into a rehab facility in Malibu this week , then he asked to come over for one last Sunday dinner with the whole family . Mom said he sounded like his old self . When I told her I couldn 't be there , she was really disappointed . I heard it in her voice . " " Apparently , several neighbors heard the gunshots and called the police . Tommy was barely conscious when they found him , but he could still tell them that Kevin did it . When I learned the doctors were working to save Tommy , I had to see him immediately . " She wiped away more tears and blew her nose . " Officer Sanchez asked if I had someone who could take me to Torrance Memorial , but I don 't have any relatives nearby . My roommate , Pam , was going to be out late . And my other girlfriends . . . . " Her mouth gaped then snapped shut as she slowly nodded . " I didn 't want to drag anyone else into the middle of all this . All I wanted was to be there for my little brother . So Detective Oates and Officer Sanchez offered to drive me to the hospital . " She paused for a drink of water , emptying the cup . I stood and refilled her cup and mine . She thanked me and went on to describe meeting the surgeons after Tommy was moved to the recovery room . The internal damage to his abdomen and the shattered bones in his right leg would require several more surgeries and extensive rehabilitation before he could walk again . " I wanted to be with him when he woke up so the officers left me at the hospital for the night . Detective Oates came by the next morning and offered to take me back to my apartment , " she said , " but I asked if I could go to the family house . He didn 't think it would be a very good idea but I insisted . " " It was . Crazy as it sounds , there was a part of me that couldn 't believe what had happened . I had to see for myself in order for . . . well , you know . " " I half - expected to walk in my old house and see Mom and Dad . Instead , I saw the outlines on the floor . . . " She broke down again . Her lower lip trembled before she spoke . " He called about an hour after Detective Oates dropped me off at my apartment yesterday . He was really pissed off that I didn 't show up for dinner and that I ruined his plan . I was supposed to be dead along with Mom and Dad and Tommy . He said he 's going to kill me . " " I was so scared that I hung up on him , " she said . " I grabbed my purse and ran to my car . I realize now that I took a big risk doing that . He could 've been at a nearby payphone , but I didn 't think he 'd do anything in broad daylight , especially when my apartment building is just a block from the campus . Tons of students hang around all the time , like a dorm . Safety in numbers and all that . Logical , right ? " " Drug addicts aren 't known for their logic . " I didn 't want to sound as if I was chastising her , but she couldn 't assume her brother would behave reasonably . I gently squeezed her hand , then rose to my feet and moved to my side of the desk to continue taking notes . She sniffed . Her voice trembled . " I stopped at a payphone in Santa Monica and called Detective Oates . I wanted to check into a hotel , but he didn 't like the idea of me being alone . He asked if I had a friend that Kevin wouldn 't know . Luckily , an old girlfriend had moved to Redondo Beach a few months ago , so I was sure Kevin didn 't have her address . " She nodded . " I called our apartment after her last class in the afternoon . Her boyfriend and another friend of his will stay so there 's always someone around . " She practically jumped out of the chair . Her eyes wide , she leaned forward . " I can 't leave yet ! Not without Tommy . I need to find a place to hide until he 's released from the hospital . Detective Oates said you would know what to do . " " It 's the safest choice . Being alone in a hotel room isn 't an option . No one would know if you suddenly disappeared . I have friends who are Long Beach police officers . I 'll let them know what 's going on . My neighbors , too . I won 't give them any details , but they can keep an eye out for unfamiliar faces and notify me . " " Yes . " Her answer was barely a whisper as her eyes filled with tears . Her lower lip trembled . She clasped her hands in her lap and looked down . " I don 't know what to say . " " There is no need to say anything . The more you get to know me , the more you will realize I will do anything for a friend . You are more than a client now , Lisa . You are my friend . " Lisa 's jaw dropped . She grabbed the armrests and shook her head . " But Mom and Dad gave that to me for my birthday two months ago . " I pointed in the direction of the street . " Kevin could recognize that car in a second . If you can 't part with it , then we 'll store it here in the underground garage . " " How will I get around ? I need to get back to the apartment for more clothes and to pick up Sophie . Pam will want to find another roommate to share the rent , so I must move the rest of my things as soon as possible . I also have appointments with my parents ' attorney and their accountant . I have to talk to my counselor about school . " " Before you go anywhere . . . " I held up my hand again , " I 'm taking you to a wig store to change your look . Then , we 'll find another car for you to drive . " I wasn 't sure how much more the poor girl could take . She had lost so much already . Her car was her last connection to her parents . I understood her desperate need to hang onto it . We took my Acura to the wig store on Second Street near the marina . The owner knew me from previous visits with other clients . Her expression was curious but she never asked questions . I felt a physical shift in her energy , as if she was pulling it up from the bottom of her soul . The next wig she tried was long and blonde with highlights , a complete transformation from brunette but just as beautiful . I sensed she settled on it because she wanted to get out of there . We left the store with Lisa wearing the blonde wig . She paused outside , taking in her reflection in the display window . A muscle in her jaw tightened and she fought back the tears . " Michael is nineteen . Kitty 's seventeen . They know I 've helped abused women start over with new identities , but they 've never met them . This is my first time I 've brought someone home . Still , I won 't give them any details . It 's better to keep them in the dark so there isn 't an accidental slip of the lip . They do need to know your situation is serious . " I woke early , pulled on a pair of jeans and a t - shirt and quietly stepped out into the hall . My German Shepherd had planted herself in front of the guest room door , instinctively posting guard . Heidi lifted her head from her paws and lightly thumped her tail . As she got up to greet me , she seemed to smile . I gave her head a quick scratch and expected her to follow me to the kitchen for her breakfast . Instead , she hesitated . I nodded and headed to the front door to get the morning paper . When Heidi heard the snick of the lock , she trotted out of the hall to join me . Instead of her usual dash down the steps and down the driveway , she stayed close , just enough ahead of my stride to serve as my protector . Back inside , she retreated to her post despite the kibble I poured in her bowl . She 'd have plenty of time to eat after Lisa was up . I poured a cup of coffee that had been set to brew a few minutes before my alarm went off . Kitty and I share a unique telepathic communication just as I had once shared with my paternal grandmother . She was only a few months old when I was awakened in the middle of the night , not by sensing she was in trouble , but by " hearing " her non - verbal cry . She knew she was in trouble but she didn 't know what was wrong , let alone how to convey it in a mental image at her young age . Immediately checking on her , I could see her sunken chest and distended stomach . I rushed her to the hospital and the ER staff pulled her through what they believed was a close call with " crib death " , now known as SIDS - Sudden Infant Death . The doctor was convinced she would have died if I had not woken in time to get her the medical attention she needed . I didn 't tell him she was the one who had alerted me . He wouldn 't have believed me if I did . Since that early indication of Kitty 's abilities , we continued to our silent conversations . I hadn 't really thought about it as a detriment to her speech development until our unique style of communication was pointed out by a child psychologist who was a close personal friend . After that , I made a conscious effort to speak aloud to my daughter until she mastered her verbal skills . In recent years , however , we 've slipped back into our own comfortable telepathy . There 's no getting anything past that girl . She knew I was holding back and was dying to know why . She would find out the truth if I didn 't block the information . I do this by switching over to a memory that still holds strong emotions for me . Again , emotion is what fuels telepathy . That 's all I can tell you right now . I 'll explain everything later . A gesture I recognized as her hoping to concentrate hard enough to pull something out of me . Don 't press it . I promise to fill you in . . . when the time is right . " Yes . She won 't leave the state without Tommy . I 'll keep her safe , but the sooner Kevin is caught , the better . If I can be of any help . . . . " He chuckled . " Your timing is amazing . I 'm headed to the Norris house right now . A neighbor was jogging with his dog early this morning and the dog started going nuts , barking and whining . A security company patrols the area , so the man called them when he got back from his jog . It took them a while to roll on it . They aren 't authorized to do much more than check the perimeter , so they called us in . " " Would you mind if I meet you there ? Unofficially . Lisa has only hired me to help her get lost , not to track down her brother , but I 'd like to help if I can . " Wearing an extra large t - shirt borrowed from my son , Lisa looked ten years younger without makeup to cover the dark circles under her eyes . Her dark hair was tousled around her slender face . I held up the paper and pen to show her . " I 'm meeting with Detective Oates at your house in a half hour and need you to draw a quick map with directions . " She glanced at the pad of paper , then back up to me , her eyes filled with apprehension . " I probably should go with you . Palos Verdes is not easy to navigate . " Her gaze dropped to Heidi as she gave a solemn nod . With a small sigh of resignation , she pushed a lock of hair from her eyes and lifted her head . " Would you do me a favor ? " " I left behind some clothes at the house when I 'd moved into my apartment . I didn 't think to take anything when I was there with Detective Oates , but that was before Kevin called me . Would you grab a few things for me to get by until I go back to my place for my clothes and makeup ? " " Of course . Let me get a duffle bag . " As I stepped over to the guest room closet , I put the towels on a chair . " Help yourself to whatever you want to eat . Kitty is at school and Michael has classes all day . You can take a shower and watch TV . All I ask is that you don 't leave the house . " Of course , Kevin couldn 't possibly know she was here , but that didn 't dispel the fear emanating from her . I could feel it deep in the middle of my stomach , the power chakra . " You 're safe here , " I said with a nod . " And Heidi will guard you with her life . " When I arrived at the address Lisa provided on the hand - drawn map , I noticed the property was fronted by an eight - foot wrought - iron fence between evenly spaced stucco pillars . Thick shrubs and trees obscured any view of a house other than a glimpse here and there of a terra cotta tile roof . A large security gate stood open at the entrance of the brick - lined driveway where two police cruisers were parked . I left my car at the curb and walked down the sloped drive edged in colorful bedding flowers . The house turned out to be a massive Spanish - style two - story with an arched entry portico . Pink camellias blossomed on bushes that flanked the front door . " Of course . " I stepped to the side . He couldn 't escort me into an active crime scene investigation without confirmation that I knew one of the detectives . A few moments later , Nick appeared in the front doorway and waved me forward . " Good to see you , Deanne . " We kept our greeting formal and professional with a shake of the hands . I followed him past the yellow " Do Not Cross " tape , one end still attached to the door jamb , the other end kicked aside at the threshold . A pungent , metallic odor greeted us as we started through the doorway . The energy felt dreadful as if I had to physically wade through a thick , black ooze that seeped into every pore of my body . My nose wrinkled . It was the source of the noxious odor . Chalk on the marble tile outlined the shape of a body . Blood spatter fanned out across an adjacent wall , staining a long , oak entry table and its arrangement of silk flowers . Nick led me around the body outline and blood , down the steps and to the left . Around the corner of the entry wall , he stopped in front of another bloody scene sketched in chalk lines indicating multiple appendages . " This is where we found Alan and Tommy Norris . The father 's body was lying on top of his son , as if he tried to protect him . What has Lisa told you ? " Nick shook his head . " Sorry , no . You 'll understand when you see what we found . " He led me up the stairs to the second floor . The first door was yellow - taped but was open to a bedroom with lavender walls . Since the room was too small to be the master suite , it had to be Lisa 's . The place had been ransacked . Drawers pulled from the dressers . Knickknacks shattered . In the center of the cream - carpeted floor was a pile of clothing . A cheval dressing mirror in the corner displayed a lipstick message : Nick gave a slow nod . " I understand why he went after the parents for cutting off his financial support , and I can understand the kid brother was collateral damage . But why would he hunt down his sister ? " " You may be right . " I looked around at the trashed room . " Sooner or later , Lisa will need deal with her parents ' personal items and decide what to do with the place and the furnishings . But she shouldn 't be subjected to this , or the blood stains downstairs . " " From what we saw on the day of the murders , nothing has been disturbed , including the safe . Probably he took off as soon as he killed his parents , figuring neighbors would have heard the shots on a quiet Sunday afternoon . It 's possible he didn 't intend to kill them , but brought the weapon to threaten them for money . " I shook my head . " But he told Lisa she ruined everything by not being here . No , he wanted them all dead so he could collect the entire inheritance . I don 't get it , though . Wouldn 't he realize he 'd be a primary suspect ? " " Obviously , he knew the combination . " I stepped over to the wall and looked into the small steel vault . " He was after cash . Jewelry , too . " I turned and smiled at him . " Partly . But he would 've have taken the risk if he didn 't already know what was in here , and that it wasn 't just a pile of documents that would be useless to him . " " That works for me . I 've got to deal with another case on my desk , but you can stick around until the others leave . See if you get anything . " Just as I 'd seen from inside , the back of the house looked out onto a large black - bottomed swimming pool lined in smooth river rock to replicate a tranquil pond with a terraced Jacuzzi tucked into a stone grotto on the far side . A pair of waterfalls , now shut off , had left white lime deposits in the rocks above the Jacuzzi and at its lip where water once spilled into the pool . In its deserted state , the still , dark , glassy surface presented an ominous apparition of a black hole . I followed a flagstone path shaded by cypress trees that took me over the crest of a small hill to a tennis court bathed in the warm afternoon sun . The lines on the asphalt were bright white , indicating they 'd recently been painted . I could almost hear the rhythmic thwack of the ball against the rackets . Envisioning the Norrises engaged in a Sunday afternoon game , I felt a sense of exhilaration here , as if the couple had just walked off the court , arm in arm , laughing and teasing each other . Any other clairvoyant may have said their spirits were lingering , but I didn 't sense they were actually present . Instead , I felt the uplifting energy in my heart as if the location retained the memory of happier times . The feeling was a stark contrast to the rooms in the house where the bodies had been found . Two cars remained inside - a blue Volvo station wagon and a black Range Rover . I made a mental note to talk to Lisa about switching her Porsche with the wagon . Though the vehicle would require a new plate , just in case Kevin knew the license . After taking care of that business , I found Lisa on the back porch , sipping an iced tea and reading a text book . To anyone who didn 't know her , she may have appeared to be an average college kid keeping up with her studies . In truth , she had no way of knowing when or if she could return to classes . I had the feeling she was going through the motions as a way of clinging to a normal life when her whole world was turned upside down . I could see she starred at the same page for quite a while , lost in thought . " I couldn 't get anything from the house . " I had decided against telling her about the message from Kevin or the fact he 'd ransacked her room . She was scared enough as it was . " The police are sure Kevin was the intruder . The safe was empty . Detective Oates wants to talk to you about that . " She reached up with her right hand and rested it on her left shoulder , then looked over at me . " It felt like someone just touched me . " Her bewilderment changed to hopefulness . " Could it be my mom ? Or maybe my dad ? " " Everyone is psychic , some more than others . You are bound to feel your parents ' presence . " I leaned an elbow on the table . " Take comfort in that . " " Yes , that 's fine . I don 't know if I have any answers . There were no dirty little secrets . Our parents were never abusive to Kevin , Tommy or me . They loved us and were always there for us and really involved in our activities , especially when we were little . We had these incredible family vacations that took us all over the world because my parents wanted us to expand our knowledge beyond the classroom . There was nothing that they wouldn 't do for us . " She stopped short , memories flooding over her until harsh reality set in and her eyes misted again . Her palm scrubbed a tear from one eye . " I don 't understand what happened to Kevin . " She dropped her hand , tightening it into a fist " I don 't know why he . . . did what he did . " Nick smiled and I grinned in spite of myself . Being addressed as " Sir " by a pretty young woman would have made him feel ancient a few years ago . Now , the word didn 't faze him . " Yes , so do I . Our parents trusted us . If we needed extra money while they were out of town on business , we could take what we needed , as long as we left a note . " " After the Whittier earthquake two years ago , my mother read a newspaper article about emergency preparedness . You know - First Aid kits in the house and in all the cars . Extra clothes , too . And shoes . Enough food and water for the family and pets to last at least a week . My dad said if ' The Big One ' hits and knocks out the power grid indefinitely , banks would be closed and credit cards wouldn 't work at gas stations . " A thin shoulder lifted in a shrug . " He said if things were really bad , we would leave town . I suppose there was enough to pay for travel , hotels and food for the five of us . " Lisa nodded . " I remember three blue velvet jewelry boxes with several necklaces , bracelets and rings . Diamonds , mostly . Emeralds . I think Mr . Miller would have an inventory . " " Of course . I have his number in my Day Planner . " She reached into her purse and took out a small leather - bound book . Inside was a thin decorative pen and notepad that she used to jot the name and number and then handed the slip to Nick . " Kevin trashed my room ? " Her voice rose , her hands clenched on the desktop . " Are you kidding me ? Why ? What could he have been looking for ? " Nick tapped his pen on his notepad . " We 've had tips he 's been seen near your apartment , but nothing we can corroborate because there 's no sign of him by the time LAPD arrives . You need to be very careful until he 's caught . Kevin 's truck was found at a Vons grocery store parking lot in Compton . The license plates were removed , but we checked the VIN number with the DMV and confirmed it 's his truck . We don 't know what he is driving now . " " Did you check the garage ? He could have my dad 's Range Rover or my mom 's Volvo . There was an off - road motorcycle we took on camping trips . And three bicycles . " After Nick left my office , Lisa and I drove to the hospital on Lomita Boulevard in Torrance . Nick had already called ahead to the ICU and told the guard we were on our way and to allow Lisa to see her brother . When we arrived , I paused next to the police officer at the door , expecting to wait outside while Lisa visited privately . In the middle of the bed flanked by noisy machines , Tommy lay motionless , a white thermal blanket tucked around him . Slender IV tubes trailed from under the covers . A larger ventilation tube snaked from his throat . Lisa stepped quietly to the railing and touched the nubby fabric of the blanket . " Oh , Tommy . " Her voice was barely above a whisper . " I 'm so sorry I couldn 't get back until now . " " Oh , I completely forgot . " She laughed nervously , touching the blonde bangs . " I , uh , thought it would be fun to do something different . " " Okay , you may as well know , " she conceded , giving me a sideways glance before turning back to her injured brother . " This is Deanne Acuña . She 's a private investigator , but she also helps people in danger . " " No - no , it 's okay . Even if he finds out you 're here , there 's a policeman guarding your door day and night . You 're safe , Tommy . I swear . " " I 'll be okay . Deanne is the best at what she does . And when you 're released from here , she 'll help us get new names and new lives somewhere Kevin can 't find us . " Greeted by Heidi as I walked into my house after work , I gave her my undivided attention until the phone rang . She followed me into the kitchen where I picked up . " Hello ? " " Kevin was apprehended in Las Vegas . " Nick 's voice did not convey the satisfaction I would have expected . A couple of days had passed since we 'd last spoken . I had other client cases requiring my attention . Lisa had been making arrangements for her parents ' funeral . " Is everything okay ? " I dropped my purse on the counter as Heidi sat down at me feet , adoration in her brown eyes . Scratching her behind her ears , I felt guilty about the interruption to our welcome - home routine . " W - what ? Did I hear you right ? He 's pleading insanity ? " My raised voice brought Heidi to her feet , alert and prepared to protect me . I picked up her stainless steel dog bowl from the floor next to her water dish and set it on the counter . She followed me to the refrigerator , the pantry and back to the counter as I gathered the ingredients for her supper . All the while , my mind kept running through how I would break the news to Lisa . Most investigators are adept at reading people , though most would say it 's nothing more than finely - tuned observation . If they don 't have it , they don 't stay in the profession very long . I see it as both a learned skill and an intuitive perception of the individual 's energy . I knew Lisa was already fragile . Not even a week had passed since her parents ' murder and she was holding strong . But to learn her older brother might get life in a mental hospital instead of prison . . . well , I wasn 't sure how she would take the latest development . When I walked into the family room , I was surprised to find Michael watching a local program . Being home was unusual for him . If he 's not in classes or at his part - time job , he 's usually with a girlfriend or one of his buddies . I was about to ask him about the reason when Kitty came in from the hall . As briefly as possible , I explained the situation , hoping to spare Lisa more pain , but she could not hold back the tears . Kitty already knew our house guest was in grave danger since our telepathy is so strong . My daughter felt my own emotional turmoil that I had been unable to block and the sensations made her afraid . " I 'm sorry that I worried you , " I told her , then turned my attention to Lisa . " Now , I have some good news . Kevin was caught in Las Vegas and is being flown back to Los Angeles . He 'll be taken to the jail ward of County Hospital . " " Kevin is not crazy ! " She jumped to her feet and started pacing the floor , throwing her arms up in the air . " He was majoring in psychology and he knows exactly what he 's doing . Once he told me he couldn 't understand why criminals didn 't pretend to be crazy so they could get away with the crimes they 'd committed . " She turned toward me and stopped . " He 's going to get away with it , isn 't he ? He killed Mom and Dad in cold blood and he 'll claim temporary insanity . "

The flat , controlled voice on the phone belonged to a young woman who identified herself as Lisa Norris , daughter of Alan and Lynette Norris . The homicides in the elite equestrian community of Palos Verdes were front page headlines in the Los Angeles news media yesterday morning . The newspaper reported three murders , not two - Lisa 's parents and their son . No mention of a suspect , either . My gut told me Lisa was being completely honest . My intuitive skills are second nature . I don 't question them , nor do I always know how to explain them . As a child , I was mentored by my paternal grandmother , a telepath and clairvoyant . As an adult , I have studied the Eastern philosophies about the integration of the mind , body and spirit . The physical feeling I had about Lisa was centered in my solar plexus , an energy center known in ancient Sanskrit as the third chakra or " power " chakra . No surprise that I sensed Lisa 's powerlessness . I took a steadying breath . " I 'm very sorry for your loss . What can I do to help ? " The name made me smile . I was glad to hear Nick Oates was in charge of the investigation . He is married to my friend from college and is more open - minded about my gift than most people . His wife Christine has extrasensory perception as well . He 's also aware of my higher - than - average success in tracking down individuals to serve subpoenas or find a witness to a car accident or a crime . The more I know about finding someone , the more I know how to help someone get lost in the system . Nick knew I had helped victims of domestic violence who were running scared for their lives . Mistakes can be made . Loopholes in the system can leave them vulnerable . I guide them through the process . " If Detective Oates sent you , that 's all I need to know . " Before I could say another word , she began to sob , making her words indistinguishable . I had a hard time understanding her . " Lisa , where are you ? " One of the partners , Bob Ford , and I have known each other since we were in junior high when the entire seventh grade found out about my psychic abilities and kids started calling me a witch . Years later , Bob heard I was struggling to make ends meet as a single mother and hired me to work part - time to serve subpoenas and track down information for his cases . My intuitive skills turned out to be tremendously helpful . After sixteen years , I acquired the skills and logged enough apprenticeship hours with the attorney to qualify for my own investigator 's license . My clients include quite a few lawyers , including Bob , as well as referrals such as Lisa Norris . My veggie sandwich finished , I was on my second lemonade when a white Porsche 911 Carrera pulled into an empty space at the curb . I had no reason to suspect the tall brunette sliding out of the driver 's side was Lisa , but I knew . She was about five - eight , not more than a hundred - twenty pounds . Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail . She wore large dark sunglasses . Too large , actually . My stomach clenched at the realization she probably wore them to cover a black eye . An accessory I 'd seen too many times before . The pale blue track suit and athletic shoes seemed out of place for the warm afternoon . Considering the flashy car , she appeared more like the type to wear a breezy sundress and strappy sandals . But she couldn 't run from an assailant in a dress and heels . As she locked the car , she looked side to side , taking in her surroundings . Not like a tourist . Like a woman who knows she is being stalked . She saw me watching through the café window and froze . I crossed the busy street in the middle of the block and introduced myself . Lisa had a firm handshake and a politeness that masked the shock of her dire circumstances . When we touched , I couldn 't say I got a visual flash of insight . That 's not how it works with me . However , I could " hear " her thoughts , though nothing specific . Grief and fear were tamped down by sheer determination . The UCLA logo on her jacket provided an opportunity to put her more at ease . " I 'm a Bruin , too . I majored in Spanish with a minor in education , but I 'd planned on a degree in Child Psychology . How about you ? " The light in her eyes made her seem as if she was back in class instead of facing an unknown future . I smiled , instantly recognizing why I had been compelled to bring up his name . Before we 'd met as student and teacher , he 'd known about me as a study subject in the parapsychology laboratory at UCLA 's Neuropsychiatric Institute . His fascination with my abilities led to long conversations after class and we became good friends . We still touch base every now and then . He was also aware of my work with victims of domestic violence . If Nick hadn 't sent Lisa to me , there was no doubt in my mind that Dr . Phillips would have given her my number . As the door swung shut , I put my arm around her shoulders and guided her through the lobby toward the elevator . She was right , of course . If her brother was really trying to kill her , she couldn 't risk going anywhere he 'd know to look . " I know you 're terrified . And I know you feel abandoned and alone . But not anymore . Now that you 're here , I will do everything I can to help you and keep you safe . " I pressed the UP button , catching a glimpse of our reflection in the polished aluminum doors . My wavy dark red hair curled around my ears and could use a trim . At five - seven , I 'm taller than most women but , standing next to Lisa , I was a few inches shorter than her and more than a few pounds heavier . Who wouldn 't be ? She had the slender figure of a teen model . I had the body of a forty - year - old athlete . Well , at the very least , a very fit forty - year - old mom . As much as I wanted to wrap this poor girl in my arms for a big hug of reassurance , I sensed that she would not open herself to me in that way . Not yet . I didn 't need to be telepathic to know she was trying to remain composed and not fall apart . There would be time for that later . I took a couple minutes to settle in at my desk , hoping to give her a moment to quiet her nerves before I had to tackle the tough questions . With the big sunglasses still masking her face , she looked around the office , drew in a deep breath and reached up to take them off . Her hazel eyes were bloodshot filled with so much pain that my heart clenched . This feeling in the chest is an exchange of energy - raw , emotional energy . The fourth chakra , also known as the heart chakra , translates emotional pain as a physical sensation in our own bodies . Lisa took another breath as her eyes welled with tears . " I 'm sorry , " she stammered , her chin quivering . " I 've already been through this with the police . I thought I could go over it again without falling to pieces . " For someone who had just lost both her parents , she was being awfully hard on herself . This told me a lot about the girl . She expected herself to be tough as nails , no matter what the circumstances . " Actually , you 're handling it a lot better than I would expect . " I grabbed several tissues from a box on top of the locked filing cabinet next to the water cooler . " Take all the time you need . I 'm not going anywhere . " Thanking me for the tissues , she blotted under her eyes , then took a deep breath and squared her shoulders . " I was in my apartment on Sunday , working on a school project that was due the next day . I was supposed to be at my parents ' for a family dinner , but my cat knocked a glass of water all over the papers . I called Mom around four o ' clock to cancel because of the mess Sophie had made . " Lisa paused , absently rubbing her sunglasses against the leg of her sweat pants . One corner of her mouth turned up in a crooked , sad smile . " It 's so weird , " she went on . " Sophie 's never done anything like that before . All of sudden , she woke from a nap on the chair , walked straight to my desk , jumped up and smacked my glass with her paw . You probably think I 'm crazy , but I swear she did it on purpose . " In my mind 's eye , I saw a large , fluffy , black and white cat deliberately swat at a glass . Lisa was unknowingly sending me her visual memory , as well as a feeling of awe and gratitude toward the animal that had kept her from leaving her apartment that afternoon . Kept her from going home . Kept her alive . The telepathic imagery was no surprise to me , considering the strength and depth of her emotions tied to the realization of what Sophie had done . " I don 't think you 're crazy , " I said in all sincerity . " I believe you . Sophie saved your life . " " No . Only Kevin and Tommy . " She folded her hands on top of the table , her knuckles whitening . " Tommy was shot just like my parents . He 's in the ICU at Torrance Memorial under police protection for now . They let the news reporters think he 's dead until they track down Kevin . " Her last words were a soft whisper . " He 's two years older than me and was going to USC for three years . About a month ago , the school called our parents because Kevin hadn 't been attending classes . Apparently , he 'd gotten mixed up with drugs . We shouldn 't have been surprised . In the last several months , he stopped dressing nicely . His clothes were a mess , his hair was greasy and he needed a shower . That wasn 't like him at all . He was always such a great dresser . Always cared about what he looked like . When Mom and Dad confronted him about the phone call from the counselor , he admitted to smoking a little pot but denied having anything stronger . My parents threatened to cut off all financial support if he didn 't take a drug test . That 's when he really got mad . " She fell silent . I stopped writing and looked up . Her head was bowed . I watched her intense scrutiny of her folded hands . Her fingers tightened as if she were fighting for control . My own fingers ached and my throat constricted from the empathic energy . She took another deep breath and exhaled before she continued . " They didn 't hear from him again until he called last Thursday . He agreed to go into a rehab facility in Malibu this week , then he asked to come over for one last Sunday dinner with the whole family . Mom said he sounded like his old self . When I told her I couldn 't be there , she was really disappointed . I heard it in her voice . " " Apparently , several neighbors heard the gunshots and called the police . Tommy was barely conscious when they found him , but he could still tell them that Kevin did it . When I learned the doctors were working to save Tommy , I had to see him immediately . " She wiped away more tears and blew her nose . " Officer Sanchez asked if I had someone who could take me to Torrance Memorial , but I don 't have any relatives nearby . My roommate , Pam , was going to be out late . And my other girlfriends . . . . " Her mouth gaped then snapped shut as she slowly nodded . " I didn 't want to drag anyone else into the middle of all this . All I wanted was to be there for my little brother . So Detective Oates and Officer Sanchez offered to drive me to the hospital . " She paused for a drink of water , emptying the cup . I stood and refilled her cup and mine . She thanked me and went on to describe meeting the surgeons after Tommy was moved to the recovery room . The internal damage to his abdomen and the shattered bones in his right leg would require several more surgeries and extensive rehabilitation before he could walk again . " I wanted to be with him when he woke up so the officers left me at the hospital for the night . Detective Oates came by the next morning and offered to take me back to my apartment , " she said , " but I asked if I could go to the family house . He didn 't think it would be a very good idea but I insisted . " " It was . Crazy as it sounds , there was a part of me that couldn 't believe what had happened . I had to see for myself in order for . . . well , you know . " " I half - expected to walk in my old house and see Mom and Dad . Instead , I saw the outlines on the floor . . . " She broke down again . Her lower lip trembled before she spoke . " He called about an hour after Detective Oates dropped me off at my apartment yesterday . He was really pissed off that I didn 't show up for dinner and that I ruined his plan . I was supposed to be dead along with Mom and Dad and Tommy . He said he 's going to kill me . " " I was so scared that I hung up on him , " she said . " I grabbed my purse and ran to my car . I realize now that I took a big risk doing that . He could 've been at a nearby payphone , but I didn 't think he 'd do anything in broad daylight , especially when my apartment building is just a block from the campus . Tons of students hang around all the time , like a dorm . Safety in numbers and all that . Logical , right ? " " Drug addicts aren 't known for their logic . " I didn 't want to sound as if I was chastising her , but she couldn 't assume her brother would behave reasonably . I gently squeezed her hand , then rose to my feet and moved to my side of the desk to continue taking notes . She sniffed . Her voice trembled . " I stopped at a payphone in Santa Monica and called Detective Oates . I wanted to check into a hotel , but he didn 't like the idea of me being alone . He asked if I had a friend that Kevin wouldn 't know . Luckily , an old girlfriend had moved to Redondo Beach a few months ago , so I was sure Kevin didn 't have her address . " She nodded . " I called our apartment after her last class in the afternoon . Her boyfriend and another friend of his will stay so there 's always someone around . " She practically jumped out of the chair . Her eyes wide , she leaned forward . " I can 't leave yet ! Not without Tommy . I need to find a place to hide until he 's released from the hospital . Detective Oates said you would know what to do . " " It 's the safest choice . Being alone in a hotel room isn 't an option . No one would know if you suddenly disappeared . I have friends who are Long Beach police officers . I 'll let them know what 's going on . My neighbors , too . I won 't give them any details , but they can keep an eye out for unfamiliar faces and notify me . " " Yes . " Her answer was barely a whisper as her eyes filled with tears . Her lower lip trembled . She clasped her hands in her lap and looked down . " I don 't know what to say . " " There is no need to say anything . The more you get to know me , the more you will realize I will do anything for a friend . You are more than a client now , Lisa . You are my friend . " Lisa 's jaw dropped . She grabbed the armrests and shook her head . " But Mom and Dad gave that to me for my birthday two months ago . " I pointed in the direction of the street . " Kevin could recognize that car in a second . If you can 't part with it , then we 'll store it here in the underground garage . " " How will I get around ? I need to get back to the apartment for more clothes and to pick up Sophie . Pam will want to find another roommate to share the rent , so I must move the rest of my things as soon as possible . I also have appointments with my parents ' attorney and their accountant . I have to talk to my counselor about school . " " Before you go anywhere . . . " I held up my hand again , " I 'm taking you to a wig store to change your look . Then , we 'll find another car for you to drive . " I wasn 't sure how much more the poor girl could take . She had lost so much already . Her car was her last connection to her parents . I understood her desperate need to hang onto it . We took my Acura to the wig store on Second Street near the marina . The owner knew me from previous visits with other clients . Her expression was curious but she never asked questions . I felt a physical shift in her energy , as if she was pulling it up from the bottom of her soul . The next wig she tried was long and blonde with highlights , a complete transformation from brunette but just as beautiful . I sensed she settled on it because she wanted to get out of there . We left the store with Lisa wearing the blonde wig . She paused outside , taking in her reflection in the display window . A muscle in her jaw tightened and she fought back the tears . " Michael is nineteen . Kitty 's seventeen . They know I 've helped abused women start over with new identities , but they 've never met them . This is my first time I 've brought someone home . Still , I won 't give them any details . It 's better to keep them in the dark so there isn 't an accidental slip of the lip . They do need to know your situation is serious . " I woke early , pulled on a pair of jeans and a t - shirt and quietly stepped out into the hall . My German Shepherd had planted herself in front of the guest room door , instinctively posting guard . Heidi lifted her head from her paws and lightly thumped her tail . As she got up to greet me , she seemed to smile . I gave her head a quick scratch and expected her to follow me to the kitchen for her breakfast . Instead , she hesitated . I nodded and headed to the front door to get the morning paper . When Heidi heard the snick of the lock , she trotted out of the hall to join me . Instead of her usual dash down the steps and down the driveway , she stayed close , just enough ahead of my stride to serve as my protector . Back inside , she retreated to her post despite the kibble I poured in her bowl . She 'd have plenty of time to eat after Lisa was up . I poured a cup of coffee that had been set to brew a few minutes before my alarm went off . Kitty and I share a unique telepathic communication just as I had once shared with my paternal grandmother . She was only a few months old when I was awakened in the middle of the night , not by sensing she was in trouble , but by " hearing " her non - verbal cry . She knew she was in trouble but she didn 't know what was wrong , let alone how to convey it in a mental image at her young age . Immediately checking on her , I could see her sunken chest and distended stomach . I rushed her to the hospital and the ER staff pulled her through what they believed was a close call with " crib death " , now known as SIDS - Sudden Infant Death . The doctor was convinced she would have died if I had not woken in time to get her the medical attention she needed . I didn 't tell him she was the one who had alerted me . He wouldn 't have believed me if I did . Since that early indication of Kitty 's abilities , we continued to our silent conversations . I hadn 't really thought about it as a detriment to her speech development until our unique style of communication was pointed out by a child psychologist who was a close personal friend . After that , I made a conscious effort to speak aloud to my daughter until she mastered her verbal skills . In recent years , however , we 've slipped back into our own comfortable telepathy . There 's no getting anything past that girl . She knew I was holding back and was dying to know why . She would find out the truth if I didn 't block the information . I do this by switching over to a memory that still holds strong emotions for me . Again , emotion is what fuels telepathy . That 's all I can tell you right now . I 'll explain everything later . A gesture I recognized as her hoping to concentrate hard enough to pull something out of me . Don 't press it . I promise to fill you in . . . when the time is right . " Yes . She won 't leave the state without Tommy . I 'll keep her safe , but the sooner Kevin is caught , the better . If I can be of any help . . . . " He chuckled . " Your timing is amazing . I 'm headed to the Norris house right now . A neighbor was jogging with his dog early this morning and the dog started going nuts , barking and whining . A security company patrols the area , so the man called them when he got back from his jog . It took them a while to roll on it . They aren 't authorized to do much more than check the perimeter , so they called us in . " " Would you mind if I meet you there ? Unofficially . Lisa has only hired me to help her get lost , not to track down her brother , but I 'd like to help if I can . " Wearing an extra large t - shirt borrowed from my son , Lisa looked ten years younger without makeup to cover the dark circles under her eyes . Her dark hair was tousled around her slender face . I held up the paper and pen to show her . " I 'm meeting with Detective Oates at your house in a half hour and need you to draw a quick map with directions . " She glanced at the pad of paper , then back up to me , her eyes filled with apprehension . " I probably should go with you . Palos Verdes is not easy to navigate . " Her gaze dropped to Heidi as she gave a solemn nod . With a small sigh of resignation , she pushed a lock of hair from her eyes and lifted her head . " Would you do me a favor ? " " I left behind some clothes at the house when I 'd moved into my apartment . I didn 't think to take anything when I was there with Detective Oates , but that was before Kevin called me . Would you grab a few things for me to get by until I go back to my place for my clothes and makeup ? " " Of course . Let me get a duffle bag . " As I stepped over to the guest room closet , I put the towels on a chair . " Help yourself to whatever you want to eat . Kitty is at school and Michael has classes all day . You can take a shower and watch TV . All I ask is that you don 't leave the house . " Of course , Kevin couldn 't possibly know she was here , but that didn 't dispel the fear emanating from her . I could feel it deep in the middle of my stomach , the power chakra . " You 're safe here , " I said with a nod . " And Heidi will guard you with her life . " When I arrived at the address Lisa provided on the hand - drawn map , I noticed the property was fronted by an eight - foot wrought - iron fence between evenly spaced stucco pillars . Thick shrubs and trees obscured any view of a house other than a glimpse here and there of a terra cotta tile roof . A large security gate stood open at the entrance of the brick - lined driveway where two police cruisers were parked . I left my car at the curb and walked down the sloped drive edged in colorful bedding flowers . The house turned out to be a massive Spanish - style two - story with an arched entry portico . Pink camellias blossomed on bushes that flanked the front door . " Of course . " I stepped to the side . He couldn 't escort me into an active crime scene investigation without confirmation that I knew one of the detectives . A few moments later , Nick appeared in the front doorway and waved me forward . " Good to see you , Deanne . " We kept our greeting formal and professional with a shake of the hands . I followed him past the yellow " Do Not Cross " tape , one end still attached to the door jamb , the other end kicked aside at the threshold . A pungent , metallic odor greeted us as we started through the doorway . The energy felt dreadful as if I had to physically wade through a thick , black ooze that seeped into every pore of my body . My nose wrinkled . It was the source of the noxious odor . Chalk on the marble tile outlined the shape of a body . Blood spatter fanned out across an adjacent wall , staining a long , oak entry table and its arrangement of silk flowers . Nick led me around the body outline and blood , down the steps and to the left . Around the corner of the entry wall , he stopped in front of another bloody scene sketched in chalk lines indicating multiple appendages . " This is where we found Alan and Tommy Norris . The father 's body was lying on top of his son , as if he tried to protect him . What has Lisa told you ? " Nick shook his head . " Sorry , no . You 'll understand when you see what we found . " He led me up the stairs to the second floor . The first door was yellow - taped but was open to a bedroom with lavender walls . Since the room was too small to be the master suite , it had to be Lisa 's . The place had been ransacked . Drawers pulled from the dressers . Knickknacks shattered . In the center of the cream - carpeted floor was a pile of clothing . A cheval dressing mirror in the corner displayed a lipstick message : Nick gave a slow nod . " I understand why he went after the parents for cutting off his financial support , and I can understand the kid brother was collateral damage . But why would he hunt down his sister ? " " You may be right . " I looked around at the trashed room . " Sooner or later , Lisa will need deal with her parents ' personal items and decide what to do with the place and the furnishings . But she shouldn 't be subjected to this , or the blood stains downstairs . " " From what we saw on the day of the murders , nothing has been disturbed , including the safe . Probably he took off as soon as he killed his parents , figuring neighbors would have heard the shots on a quiet Sunday afternoon . It 's possible he didn 't intend to kill them , but brought the weapon to threaten them for money . " I shook my head . " But he told Lisa she ruined everything by not being here . No , he wanted them all dead so he could collect the entire inheritance . I don 't get it , though . Wouldn 't he realize he 'd be a primary suspect ? " " Obviously , he knew the combination . " I stepped over to the wall and looked into the small steel vault . " He was after cash . Jewelry , too . " I turned and smiled at him . " Partly . But he would 've have taken the risk if he didn 't already know what was in here , and that it wasn 't just a pile of documents that would be useless to him . " " That works for me . I 've got to deal with another case on my desk , but you can stick around until the others leave . See if you get anything . " Just as I 'd seen from inside , the back of the house looked out onto a large black - bottomed swimming pool lined in smooth river rock to replicate a tranquil pond with a terraced Jacuzzi tucked into a stone grotto on the far side . A pair of waterfalls , now shut off , had left white lime deposits in the rocks above the Jacuzzi and at its lip where water once spilled into the pool . In its deserted state , the still , dark , glassy surface presented an ominous apparition of a black hole . I followed a flagstone path shaded by cypress trees that took me over the crest of a small hill to a tennis court bathed in the warm afternoon sun . The lines on the asphalt were bright white , indicating they 'd recently been painted . I could almost hear the rhythmic thwack of the ball against the rackets . Envisioning the Norrises engaged in a Sunday afternoon game , I felt a sense of exhilaration here , as if the couple had just walked off the court , arm in arm , laughing and teasing each other . Any other clairvoyant may have said their spirits were lingering , but I didn 't sense they were actually present . Instead , I felt the uplifting energy in my heart as if the location retained the memory of happier times . The feeling was a stark contrast to the rooms in the house where the bodies had been found . Two cars remained inside - a blue Volvo station wagon and a black Range Rover . I made a mental note to talk to Lisa about switching her Porsche with the wagon . Though the vehicle would require a new plate , just in case Kevin knew the license . After taking care of that business , I found Lisa on the back porch , sipping an iced tea and reading a text book . To anyone who didn 't know her , she may have appeared to be an average college kid keeping up with her studies . In truth , she had no way of knowing when or if she could return to classes . I had the feeling she was going through the motions as a way of clinging to a normal life when her whole world was turned upside down . I could see she starred at the same page for quite a while , lost in thought . " I couldn 't get anything from the house . " I had decided against telling her about the message from Kevin or the fact he 'd ransacked her room . She was scared enough as it was . " The police are sure Kevin was the intruder . The safe was empty . Detective Oates wants to talk to you about that . " She reached up with her right hand and rested it on her left shoulder , then looked over at me . " It felt like someone just touched me . " Her bewilderment changed to hopefulness . " Could it be my mom ? Or maybe my dad ? " " Everyone is psychic , some more than others . You are bound to feel your parents ' presence . " I leaned an elbow on the table . " Take comfort in that . " " Yes , that 's fine . I don 't know if I have any answers . There were no dirty little secrets . Our parents were never abusive to Kevin , Tommy or me . They loved us and were always there for us and really involved in our activities , especially when we were little . We had these incredible family vacations that took us all over the world because my parents wanted us to expand our knowledge beyond the classroom . There was nothing that they wouldn 't do for us . " She stopped short , memories flooding over her until harsh reality set in and her eyes misted again . Her palm scrubbed a tear from one eye . " I don 't understand what happened to Kevin . " She dropped her hand , tightening it into a fist " I don 't know why he . . . did what he did . " Nick smiled and I grinned in spite of myself . Being addressed as " Sir " by a pretty young woman would have made him feel ancient a few years ago . Now , the word didn 't faze him . " Yes , so do I . Our parents trusted us . If we needed extra money while they were out of town on business , we could take what we needed , as long as we left a note . " " After the Whittier earthquake two years ago , my mother read a newspaper article about emergency preparedness . You know - First Aid kits in the house and in all the cars . Extra clothes , too . And shoes . Enough food and water for the family and pets to last at least a week . My dad said if ' The Big One ' hits and knocks out the power grid indefinitely , banks would be closed and credit cards wouldn 't work at gas stations . " A thin shoulder lifted in a shrug . " He said if things were really bad , we would leave town . I suppose there was enough to pay for travel , hotels and food for the five of us . " Lisa nodded . " I remember three blue velvet jewelry boxes with several necklaces , bracelets and rings . Diamonds , mostly . Emeralds . I think Mr . Miller would have an inventory . " " Of course . I have his number in my Day Planner . " She reached into her purse and took out a small leather - bound book . Inside was a thin decorative pen and notepad that she used to jot the name and number and then handed the slip to Nick . " Kevin trashed my room ? " Her voice rose , her hands clenched on the desktop . " Are you kidding me ? Why ? What could he have been looking for ? " Nick tapped his pen on his notepad . " We 've had tips he 's been seen near your apartment , but nothing we can corroborate because there 's no sign of him by the time LAPD arrives . You need to be very careful until he 's caught . Kevin 's truck was found at a Vons grocery store parking lot in Compton . The license plates were removed , but we checked the VIN number with the DMV and confirmed it 's his truck . We don 't know what he is driving now . " " Did you check the garage ? He could have my dad 's Range Rover or my mom 's Volvo . There was an off - road motorcycle we took on camping trips . And three bicycles . " After Nick left my office , Lisa and I drove to the hospital on Lomita Boulevard in Torrance . Nick had already called ahead to the ICU and told the guard we were on our way and to allow Lisa to see her brother . When we arrived , I paused next to the police officer at the door , expecting to wait outside while Lisa visited privately . In the middle of the bed flanked by noisy machines , Tommy lay motionless , a white thermal blanket tucked around him . Slender IV tubes trailed from under the covers . A larger ventilation tube snaked from his throat . Lisa stepped quietly to the railing and touched the nubby fabric of the blanket . " Oh , Tommy . " Her voice was barely above a whisper . " I 'm so sorry I couldn 't get back until now . " " Oh , I completely forgot . " She laughed nervously , touching the blonde bangs . " I , uh , thought it would be fun to do something different . " " Okay , you may as well know , " she conceded , giving me a sideways glance before turning back to her injured brother . " This is Deanne Acuña . She 's a private investigator , but she also helps people in danger . " " No - no , it 's okay . Even if he finds out you 're here , there 's a policeman guarding your door day and night . You 're safe , Tommy . I swear . " " I 'll be okay . Deanne is the best at what she does . And when you 're released from here , she 'll help us get new names and new lives somewhere Kevin can 't find us . " Greeted by Heidi as I walked into my house after work , I gave her my undivided attention until the phone rang . She followed me into the kitchen where I picked up . " Hello ? " " Kevin was apprehended in Las Vegas . " Nick 's voice did not convey the satisfaction I would have expected . A couple of days had passed since we 'd last spoken . I had other client cases requiring my attention . Lisa had been making arrangements for her parents ' funeral . " Is everything okay ? " I dropped my purse on the counter as Heidi sat down at me feet , adoration in her brown eyes . Scratching her behind her ears , I felt guilty about the interruption to our welcome - home routine . " W - what ? Did I hear you right ? He 's pleading insanity ? " My raised voice brought Heidi to her feet , alert and prepared to protect me . I picked up her stainless steel dog bowl from the floor next to her water dish and set it on the counter . She followed me to the refrigerator , the pantry and back to the counter as I gathered the ingredients for her supper . All the while , my mind kept running through how I would break the news to Lisa . Most investigators are adept at reading people , though most would say it 's nothing more than finely - tuned observation . If they don 't have it , they don 't stay in the profession very long . I see it as both a learned skill and an intuitive perception of the individual 's energy . I knew Lisa was already fragile . Not even a week had passed since her parents ' murder and she was holding strong . But to learn her older brother might get life in a mental hospital instead of prison . . . well , I wasn 't sure how she would take the latest development . When I walked into the family room , I was surprised to find Michael watching a local program . Being home was unusual for him . If he 's not in classes or at his part - time job , he 's usually with a girlfriend or one of his buddies . I was about to ask him about the reason when Kitty came in from the hall . As briefly as possible , I explained the situation , hoping to spare Lisa more pain , but she could not hold back the tears . Kitty already knew our house guest was in grave danger since our telepathy is so strong . My daughter felt my own emotional turmoil that I had been unable to block and the sensations made her afraid . " I 'm sorry that I worried you , " I told her , then turned my attention to Lisa . " Now , I have some good news . Kevin was caught in Las Vegas and is being flown back to Los Angeles . He 'll be taken to the jail ward of County Hospital . " " Kevin is not crazy ! " She jumped to her feet and started pacing the floor , throwing her arms up in the air . " He was majoring in psychology and he knows exactly what he 's doing . Once he told me he couldn 't understand why criminals didn 't pretend to be crazy so they could get away with the crimes they 'd committed . " She turned toward me and stopped . " He 's going to get away with it , isn 't he ? He killed Mom and Dad in cold blood and he 'll claim temporary insanity . "

Of the many interactions I had with my mother those many years ago , one stands out with clarity . I remember the occasion when mother sent me to the main road , about twenty yards away from the homestead , to invite a passing group of seasonal work - seekers home for a meal . She instructed me to take a container along and collect dry cow dung for making a fire . I was then to prepare the meal for the group of work - seekers . The thought of making an open fire outside at midday , cooking in a large three - legged pot in that intense heat , was sufficient to upset even an angel . I did not manage to conceal my feelings from my mother and , after serving the group , she called me to the veranda where she usually sat to attend to her sewing and knitting . Looking straight into my eyes , she daid " Tsholofelo , why did you sulk when I requested you to prepare a meal for those poor destitute people ? " Despite my attempt to deny her allegation , and using the heat of the fire and the sun as an excuse for my alleged behaviour , mother , giving me a firm look , said " " Lonao ga lo na nko " - " A foot has no nose " . It means : you cannot detect what trouble may lie ahead of you . Had I denied this group of people a meal , it may have happened that , in my travels some time in the future , I found myself at the mercy of those very individuals . As if that was not enough to shame me , mother continued : " Motho ke motho ka motho yo mongwe " . The literal meaning : " A person is a person because of another person " . Source : " African Wisdom " by Ellen K . Kuzwayo A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package . " What food might this contain ? " the mouse wondered . He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap . Retreating to the farmyard , the mouse proclaimed the warning : " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The chicken clucked and scratched , raised her head and said " Mr . Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you , but it is of no consequence to me . I cannot be bothered by it . " The mouse turned to the pig and told him " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The pig sympathized , but said " I am so very sorry , Mr . Mouse , but there is nothing I can do about it but pray . Be assured you are in my prayers . " The mouse turned to the cow and said " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The cow said " Wow , Mr . Mouse . I 'm sorry for you , but it 's no skin off my nose . " So , the mouse returned to the house , head down and dejected , to face the farmer 's mousetrap alone . That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever . Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . But his wife 's sickness continued , so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them , the farmer butchered the pig . The farmer 's wife did not get well ; she died . So many ! people came for her funeral , the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them . The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness . So , the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn 't concern you , remember : when one of us is threatened , we are alPosted by In ancient Greece , Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem . One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said , " Do you know what I just heard about your friend ? " " Hold on a minute , " Socrates replied . " Before telling me anything I 'd like you to pass a little test . It 's called the Triple Filter Test . " " Triple filter ? " " That 's right , " Socrates continued . " Before you talk to me about my friend , it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you 're going to say . That 's why I call it the triple filter test . The first filter is Truth . Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ? " " No , " the man said , " Actually I just heard about it and . . . " " All right , " said Socrates . " So you don 't really know if it 's true or not . Now let 's try the second filter , the filter of Goodness . Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good ? " " No , on the contrary … " " So , " Socrates continued , " you want to tell me something bad about him , but you 're not certain it 's true . You may still pass the test though , because there 's one filter left : the filter of Usefulness . Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me ? " " No , not really … " " Well , " concluded Socrates , " if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful , why tell it to me at all ? " A while back , there was a story about Reuben Gonzolas , who was in the final match of his first professional racquetball tournament . He was playing the perennial champion for his first shot at a victory on the pro circuit . At match point in the fifth and final game , Gonzolas made a super " kill shot " into the front corner to win the tournament . The referee called it good , and one of the linemen confirmed the shot was a winner . But after a moment 's hesitation , Gonzolas turned and declared that his shot had skipped into the wall , hitting the floor first . As a result , the serve went to his opponent , who went on to win the match . Reuben Gonzolas walked off the court ; everyone was stunned . The next issue of a leading racquetball magazine featured Gonzolas on its cover . The lead editorial searched and questioned for an explanation for the first ever occurrence on the professional racquetball circuit . Who could ever imagine it in any sport or endeavor ? Here was a player with everything officially in his favor , with victory in his grasp , who disqualifies himself at match point and loses . When asked why he did it , Gonzolas replied , " It was the only thing I could do to maintain my integrity . " Jack tossed the papers on my desk - - his eyebrows knit into a straight line as he glared at me . " What 's wrong ? " I asked . He jabbed a finger at the proposal . " Next time you want to change anything , ask me first , " he said , turning on his heels and leaving me stewing in anger . How dare he treat me like that , I thought . I had changed one long sentence , and corrected grammar - - something I thought I was paid to do . It 's not that I hadn 't been warned . The other women , who had served in my place before me , called him names I couldn 't repeat . One co - worker took me aside the first day . " He 's personally responsible for two different secretaries leaving the firm , " she whispered . As the weeks went by , I grew to despise Jack . It was against everything I believed in - - turn the other cheek and love your enemies . But Jack quickly slapped a verbal insult on any cheek turned his way . I prayed about it , but to be honest , I wanted to put him in his place , not love him . One day , another of his episodes left me in tears . I stormed into his office , prepared to lose my job if needed , but not before I let the man know how I felt . I opened the door and Jack glanced up . " What ? " he said abruptly . Suddenly I knew what I had to do . After all , he deserved it . I sat across from him . " Jack , the way you 've been treating me is wrong . I 've never had anyone speak to me that way . As a professional , it 's wrong , and it 's wrong for me to allow it to continue , " I said . Jack snickered nervously and leaned back in his chair . I closed my eyes briefly . God help me , I prayed . " I want to make you a promise . I will be a friend , " I said . " I will treat you as you deserve to be treated , with respect and kindness . You deserve that , " I said . " Everybody does . " I slipped out of the chair and closed the door behind me . Jack avoided me the rest of the week . Proposals , specs , and letters appeared on my desk while I was at lunch , and the corrected versions were not seen again . I brought cookies to the office one day and left a batch on Jack 's desk . Another day I left a note . " Hope yPosted by She came into my life when I was eight years old . My dad found her at work . She was a stray and starving . He took one look at her , and said " Seems like you could use a good home . " He opened up the door to his pickup and she jumped in . Her tailed wagged all the way . I was still at school , when dad arrived home with the puppy . Mom and dad fed her and gave her a bath . This would be my first pet . I had always wanted a dog . My parents told me when I was old enough and responsible , I could have one . Well I guess they figured the time was right . I hopped off the bus , not knowing what awaited inside for me . I walked through the door , and to my surprise a white and black puppy with a red bow stuck to her head , greeted me with many many puppy kisses . A very special friendship was born that day . Now she needed a name . My older brother laughed at her and said her tail was deformed . It doesn 't wag its tail back and forth , it goes in a circle . He motions his finger around his ear , and says " She 's squirrely " Thus my puppy , Squirrely got her name . She was a smart dog . I taught her to play hide and seek . We would play for hours , spending our days learning and growing together . Eleven years we were together , best of friends . Arthritis and old age set in on her . My parents knew what had to be done , but they stood back and let me find and make the decision myself . She was suffering so much and the medicine didn 't seem to help anymore . She could barely walk . I looked into those deep brown eyes and realized it was time to let he go . I carried her into the vet 's office , placed her on the table . Squirrely leaned her head forward , gave a lick to my hand . As if to say she understood , and stay strong . Her tail was wagging in that circle as it always did . The vet gave her a sedative first , for the final shot was given on her front paw , and that was painful . She first went to sleep , but her tail still wagged . Then the vet asked before giving the final shot , " Are you sure ? " With a heavy heart and tear filled eye 's , I nodded yes . The final shot was givePosted by One day , many years ago , when I was working as a psychologist at a children 's institution in England , an adolescent boy showed up in the waiting room . I went out there where he was walking up and down restlessly . I showed him into my office and pointed to the chair on the other side of my desk . It was in late autumn , and the lilac bush outside the window had shed all its leaves . " Please sit down , " I said . David wore a black rain coat that was buttoned all the way up to his neck . His face was pale , and he stared at his feet while wringing his hands nervously . He had lost his father as an infant , and had lived together with his mother and grandfather since . But the year before David turned 13 , his grandfather died and his mother was killed in a car accident . Now he was 14 and in family care . His head teacher had referred him to me . " This boy , " he wrote , " is understandably very sad and depressed . He refuses to talk to others and I 'm very worried about him . Can you help ? " I looked at David . How could I help him ? There are human tragedies psychology doesn 't have the answer to , and which no words can describe . Sometimes the best thing one can do is to listen openly and sympathetically . The first two times we met , David didn 't say a word . He sat hunched up in the chair and only looked up to look at the children 's drawings on the wall behind me . As he was about to leave after the second visit , I put my hand on his shoulder . He didn 't shrink back , but he didn 't look at me either . " Come back next week , if you like , " I said . I hesitated a bit . Then I said , " I know it hurts . " He came , and I suggested we play a game of chess . He nodded . After that we played chess every Wednesday afternoon - in complete silence and without making any eye contact . It 's not easy to cheat in chess , but I admit that I made sure David won once or twice . Usually , he arrived earlier than agreed , took the chessboard and pieces from the shelf and began setting them up before I even got a chance to sit down . It seemed as if he enjoyed my company . But why did hePosted by I can still remember the first day when I met my best friend . She had just moved into the neighborhood and her grandmother who also lived in the neighborhood brought her down to meet me . I hid behind my mother and she hid behind her grandmother , scared to look at each other . Soon , we lost the shyness and started playing with each other , bike riding to each other 's house and having sleepovers . In 7th grade , I first lost touch with her . She was going through family problems and I deserted her to be with the " cooler people " . None of my new friends liked her as much as I did because they knew she had " problems " . However every summer we would always sit at each other 's house and watch soap operas , eat Doritos ( or whatever junk food her mom had bought ) and talk about all the boys we liked . It was last year when I noticed the problem . I guess I was just to catch up in high school to realize she needed someone there for her . Well , she made a new " best friend " and so did I . Then I didn 't know why , but she started cutting herself ! She was diagnosed with clinical depression , and had to go to a hospital during the day . I was very upset at first but with the late nite calls , and meeting each other halfway up the street at midnight . We still stayed in touch . I wanted to be there for her since her new best friend basically deserted her since people were calling her crazy , and I knew I still cared about her like a sister . Yesterday she came to me and said this : " I never knew what a best friend was until you were the only person that would stop me from cutting ; the only person that ever made me feel better about myself and my problems . You don 't know this but I was trying to kill myself this one nite you called me and I was crying . I owe you so much , and you didn 't even know you were helping me . " We both cried . And I guess a kind of lesson from my life so far is to never give up on your friends . Even if they aren 't as cool as others , or people think they are crazy , they need someone there . If you desert them , you will only be miserabPosted by When I was in seventh grade , I was a candy striper at a local hospital in my town . I volunteered about thirty to forty hours a week during the summer . Most of the time I spent there was with Mr . Gillespie . He never had any visitors , and nobody seemed to care about his condition . I spent many days there holding his hand and talking to him , helping with anything that needed to be done . He became a close friend of mine , even though he responded with only an occasional squeeze of my hand . Mr . Gillespie was in a coma . I left for a week to vacation with my parents , and when I came back , Mr . Gillespie was gone . I didn 't have the nerve to ask any of the nurses where he was , for fear they might tell me he had died . So with many questions unanswered , I continued to volunteer there through my eighth - grade year . Several years later , when I was a junior in high school , I was at the gas station when I noticed a familiar face . When I realized who it was , my eyes filled with tears . He was alive ! I got up the nerve to ask him if his name was Mr . Gillespie , and if he had been in a coma about five years ago . With an uncertain look on his face , he replied yes . I explained how I knew him , and that I had spent many hours talking with him in the hospital . His eyes welled up with tears , and he gave me the warmest hug I had ever received . He began to tell me how , as he lay there comatose , he could hear me talking to him and could feel me holding his hand the whole time . He thought it was an angel , not a person , who was there with him . Mr . Gillespie firmly believed that it was my voice and touch that had kept him alive . Then he told me about his life and what happened to him to put him in the coma . We both cried for a while and exchanged a hug , said our good - byes and went our separate ways . Although I haven 't seen him since , he fills my heart with joy every day . I know that I made a difference between his life and his death . More important , he has made a tremendous difference in my life . I will never forget him and what he did for me : he made mPosted by Last night was the last game for my eight - year - old son 's soccer team . It was the final quarter . The score was two to one , my son 's team in the lead . Parents encircled the field , offering encouragement . With less than ten seconds remaining , the ball rolled in front of my son 's teammate , one Mikey O ' Donnel . With shouts of " Kick it ! " echoing across the field , Mikey reared back and gave it everything he had . All round me the crowd erupted . O ' Donnel had scored ! Then there was silence . Mikey had scored all right , but in the wrong goal , ending the game in a tie . For a moment there was total hush . You see , Mikey has Down 's syndrome and for him there is no such thing as a wrong goal . All goals were celebrated by a joyous hug from Mikey . He had even been known to hug the opposing players when they scored . The silence was finally broken when Mikey , his face filled with joy , grabbed my son , hugged him and yelled , " I scored ! I scored . Everybody won ! Everybody won ! " For a moment I held my breath , not sure how my son would react . I need not have worried . I watched , through tears , as my son threw up his hand in the classic high - five salute and started chanting , " Way to go Mikey ! Way to go Mikey ! " Within moments both teams surrounded Mikey , joining in the chant and congratulating him on his goal . Later that night , when my daughter asked who had won , I smiled as I replied , " It was a tie . Everybody won . " written by Kim Kane Once upon a time there was a little boy who was raised in a orphanage . The little boy had always wished that he could fly like a bird . It was very difficult for him to understand why he could not fly . There were birds at the zoo that were much bigger than he , and they could fly . " Why can 't I ? " he thought . " Is there something wrong with me ? " he wondered . There was another little boy who was crippled . He had always wished that he could walk and run like other little boys and girls . " Why can 't I be like them ? " he thought . One day the little orphan boy who had wanted to fly like a bird ran away from the orphanage . He came upon a park where he saw the little boy who could not walk or run playing in the sandbox . He ran over to the little boy and asked him if he had ever wanted to fly like a bird . " No , " said the little boy who could not walk or run . " But I have wondered what it would be like to walk and run like other boys and girls . " " That is very sad . " said the little boy who wanted to fly . " Do you think we could be friends ? " he said to the little boy in the sandbox . " Sure . " said the little boy . The two little boys played for hours . They made sand castles and made really funny sounds with their mouths . Sounds which made them laugh real hard . Then the little boy 's father came with a wheelchair to pick up his son . The little boy who had always wanted to fly ran over to the boy 's father and whispered something into his ear . " That would be OK , " said the man . The little boy who had always wanted to fly like a bird ran over to his new friend and said , " You are my only friend and I wish that there was something that I could do to make you walk and run like other little boys and girls . But I can 't . But there is something that I can do for you . " The little orphan boy turned around and told his new friend to slide up onto his back . He then began to run across the grass . Faster and faster he ran , carrying the little crippled boy on his back . Faster and harder he ran across the park . Harder and harder he made his legs travel . Soon the wind juPosted by We were a very motley crowd of people who took the bus every day that summer 33 years ago . During the early morning ride from the suburb , we sat drowsily with our collars up to our ears , a cheerless and taciturn bunch . One of the passengers was a small grey man who took the bus to the centre for senior citizens every morning . He walked with a stoop and a sad look on his face when he , with some difficulty , boarded the bus and sat down alone behind the driver . No one ever paid very much attention to him . Then one July morning he said good morning to the driver and smiled short - sightedly down through the bus before he sat down . The driver nodded guardedly . The rest of us were silent . The next day , the old man boarded the bus energetically , smiled and said in a loud voice : " And a very good morning to you all ! " Some of us looked up , amazed , and murmured " Good morning , " in reply . The following weeks we were more alert . Our friend was now dressed in a nice old suit and a wide out - of - date tie . The thin hair had been carefully combed . He said good morning to us every day and we gradually began to nod and talk to each other . One morning he had a bunch of wild flowers in his hand . They were already dangling a little because of the heat . The driver turned around smilingly and asked : " Have you got yourself a girlfriend , Charlie ? " We never got to know if his name really was " Charlie " , but he nodded shyly and said yes . The other passengers whistled and clapped at him . Charlie bowed and waved the flowers before he sat down on his seat . Every morning after that Charlie always brought a flower . Some of the regular passengers began bringing him flowers for his bouquet , gently nudged him and said shyly : " Here . " Everyone smiled . The men started to jest about it , talk to each other , and share the newspaper . The summer went by , and autumn was closing in , when one morning Charlie wasn 't waiting at his usual stop . When he wasn 't there the next day and the day after that , we started wondering if he was sick or - - hopefully - - on holiday somewherePosted by In ancient times , lessons were taught via stories told around the campfires at the end of the day . The wise elders would tell and retell fables that turned into modern stories such as " The Hare and the Tortoise " where the moral of " slow and steady wins the race " is taught to children ( and adults ) through animal characters . When my kids were little , these kinds of stories were in books . Today , I hear of parents who use iPods with stories on them to " read " to their kids . ( And I thought the audio cassette with Chicken Little was cool ? ! ) Is it fair to say that the stories of future will be passed on through the internet through things like YouTube ? I saw this video this week and it made me ponder , Why Did the Dog Cross the Road ? http : / / www . growtogreatness . com / posting / why - did - the - dog - cross - the - road . htmWhen you watch this video , you see a dog ; I will call him Barley , stepping out into a busy multilane freeway in Chile . Why did the dog cross the road ? It was rush hour and cars and trucks were zooming by at high speeds . Why in the world would this dog attempt to cross the road ? If you were able to see the video , you know that Barley is hit by a car . His still body lies lifeless on the dotted line separating two of the lanes as cars and trucks race by avoiding hitting him again . Why ? Why did Barley cross the road that day ? Was he just being stupid ? Did his mommy dog not teach him about the dangers of this world ? Did he see too many movies of dangerous stunts and was Barley just trying to defy the odds and gain a moment of fame in the process ? Or , was Barley trying to get to his kids and was not going to let anything stop him , no matter the danger involved ? We all know that as parents , we would do ANYTHING for our kids , especially if they were in some kind of trouble . Or , was Barley giving up that day . Did the economic times leave Barley feeling like there was not hope , that life was just too hard and the world would be better off without him ? Was he cold and tired and just giving up as he stepped onto that crowded busy freeway ? BM ws During one of our seminars , a woman asked a common question . She said , ' How do I know if I married the right person ? ' I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said , ' It depends . Is that your husband ? ' In all seriousness , she answered ' How do you know ? ' Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it 's weighing on your mind . Here 's the answer . EVERY relationship has a cycle . In the beginning , you fell in love with your spouse / partner . You anticipated their call , wanted their touch , and liked their idiosyncrasies ( unconventional behavior / habit ) . Falling in love with your spouse wasn 't hard . In fact , it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience . You didn 't have to DO anything . That 's why it 's called ' falling ' in love . . . Because it 's happening TO YOU . People in love sometimes say , ' I was swept off my feet . ' Think about the imagery of that expression . It implies that you were just standing there ; doing nothing , and then something came along and happened TO YOU . Falling in love is easy . It 's a passive and spontaneous experience . But after a few years of marriage , the euphoria ( excitement ) of love fades . It 's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship . Slowly but surely , phone calls become a bother ( if they come at all ) , touch is not always welcome ( when it happens ) , and your spouse 's idiosyncrasies , instead of being cute , drive you nuts . The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship , but if you think about your marriage , you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage . At this point , you and / or your spouse might start asking , ' Did I marry the right person ? ' And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had , you may begin to desire that experience with someone else . This is when marriages breakdown . People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment . Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes . Infidelity is the mPosted by " Spare some change for a cuppa tea , mate ? " How often had he heard such pleas ? Hundreds . And how often had he done as he was asked ? Never . So why was he hesitating now ? Robert ( never Bob ) Trevelyan had been striding down the pedestrianised St Martin 's Court near Leicester Square tube station in central London . He had just come out of the one bookshop in the court , " Unworths " , where he had at last managed to buy a suitable birthday gift for his sister : an antiquarian work on the Pre - Raphaelite Brotherhood . He would never normally have given a second glance to the homeless vagrant sheltering in a fire exit doorway of Wyndhams Theatre . It might have been the narrowness and intimacy of the court itself ; it was hard to avoid the man . It might have been the lack of urgency in his personal timetable ; today he was not in his usual urban rush . It might have been the recent dramatic change in his professional circumstances ; losing one 's job and being unemployed made one more aware of the fragility of life . Robert Trevelyan had enjoyed a comfortable middle - class upbringing : public school , good university , some international travel , career in banking , fair bit of sex , some drugs , but no wife and certainly no children . He had chosen the finance sector for his profession because he believed that making a difference could come later ; for now he wanted to make some money , some serious money . Somehow he had migrated to the exotic and esoteric world of derivatives . He was at a dinner party once when this rather attractive young thing asked him what he did and her face had simply crumpled when he had attempted to explain forwards , futures , options and swaps . Never again . But what he had loved about derivatives as a financial instrument was how they focused on aspects of risk . He had always been something of a risk taker . Moving to the American - based Lehman Brothers early in 2008 had been a risk , but he had never expected the economic recession of that year to hit so fast and so hard . In mid September the firm filed for Chapter 11 Posted by Having graduated college and determined to become a criminal defense lawyer , a young man had his heart set on working for a particular foundation located in a ghetto that provided legal defense and other social services for its community . This was to be his training ground and leg up to get into the law school of his choice . With no experience , the foundation would not hire him . Nonetheless , he showed up week after week , insisting they accept him as a volunteer intern for one year . Finally , they relented . For one year , he learned legal research , interviewed witnesses , did absolutely anything ask of him and learned everything he could . Near the end of that year , he received a rejection letter from the only law school he wanted to attend . Having given his all , working long hours and devoting himself to the foundation , the community and the work , he was devastated . Upon learning the news and unbeknownst to him , three young attorneys from the foundation had secretly and immediately set a meeting that very afternoon with the dean of the law school . Putting their reputation and that of the foundation on the line , they surrounded the dean , insisting she grant a wild card admission on the spot . Champagne in hand , they returned to deliver the surprise news . I was that young man . And I was amazed to the point of being speechless . These three attorneys canceled their court calendars for an entire afternoon to do everything in their power to deliver my dream . This was their way of expressing their appreciation for my persistence and dedication , for the value I contributed to make their work and the foundation 's mission a bit more successful , for being a positive and consistent presence , and for volunteering my best . Have you ever been amazed by people going out of their way to do something extraordinary for you ? Have you ever wondered what inspires people to take such action and be so generous of spirit ? Can you conjure up the feelings of wonder , appreciation and joy that flow from being on the giving or receiving end of suchPosted by Figure it out for yourself my lad . You 've got all that the great have had . Two arms , two legs , two hands , two eyes , and a brain to use if you 'd be wise . With this equipment they all began , so start for the top and say " I Can . " Look them over the wise and the great . They take their food from a common plate . With similar knives and forks they use , with similar laces they tie their shoes . The world consider them brave and smart , but you know - you 've got all they had , when they made their start . You can triumph and come to skill you can be great if you only will . You 're well equipped for the fight you choose , you have arms and legs and brains to use . And people who have risen , great deeds to do started their lives with no more than you . You are the handicap you must face . You are the one who must choose your place . You must say where you want to go . How much you 'll study the truth to know . God has equipped you for life , but he lets you decide what you want to be . The courage must come from the soul within , you must furnish the will to win . So figure it out for yourself my lad , you were born with all the great have had . With your equipment they all began , so start for the top and say " I Can . " Posted by A samurai , a very proud warrior , came to see a Zen Master one day . The samurai was very famous , but looking at the beauty of the Master and the Grace of the moment , he suddenly felt inferior . He said to the Master , " Why am I feeling inferior ? Just a moment ago everything was okay . As I entered your court suddenly I felt inferior . I have never felt like that before . I have faced death many times , and I have never felt any fear - - why am I now feeling frightened ? " The Master said , " Wait . When everyone else has gone , I will answer . " People continued the whole day to come and see the Master , and the samurai was getting more and more tired waiting . By evening the room was empty , and the samurai said , " Now , can you answer me ? " The Master said , " Come outside . " It was a full moon night , the moon was just rising on the horizen . And he said , " Look at these trees . This tree is high in the sky and this small one beside it . They both have existed beside my window for years , and there has never been any problem . The smaller tree has never said to the big tree , ' Why do I feel inferior before you ? ' This tree is small , and that tree is big - - why have I never heard a whisper of it ? " The samurai said , " Because they can 't compare . " The Master replied , " Then you need not ask me . You know the answer . " Posted by There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died . In her grief , she went to the holy man and said , " What prayers , what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life ? " Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her , he said to her , " Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow . We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life . " The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed . She came first to a splendid mansion , knocked at the door , and said , " I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow . Is this such a place ? It is very important to me . " They told her , " You 've certainly come to the wrong place , " and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them . The woman said to herself , " Who is better able to help these poor , unfortunate people that I , who have had misfortune of my my own ? " Shestayed to comfort them , then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow . But wherever she turned , in hovels and in other places , she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune . She became so involved in ministering to other people 's grief that ultimately she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed , never realizing that it had , in fact , driven the sorrow out of her life . by : Brian Cavanaugh Nasrudin was walking along a lonely road one moonlit night when he heard a snore seemingly directly beneath his feet . Suddenly he experienced fear and was about to flee when he tripped over a dervish lying in a pit which he had dug for himself , partly underground . " Who are you ? " the Mulla stammered . " I am a dervish , and this is my contemplation place . " Nasrudin replied , " You will have to let me share it . Your snoring frightened me out of my wits , and I cannot continue any further this night . " " Take the other end of this blanket , then , " said the dervish without much enthusiasm , " and lie down here . Please be quiet , because I am keeping a vigil . It is a part of a complicated series of exercises . Tomorrow I must change the pattern , and I cannot stand any interruption . " Nasrudin fell asleep for a while . Then he woke up , very thirsty . " I am thirsty , " he told the dervish . " Then go back down the road , where there is a stream . " " No , I am still afraid . " replied Nasrudin . " I shall go for you then , " said the dervish . " After all , to provide water is a sacred obligation in the East . " " No , please don 't go for I am still afraid to be alone ! " " Take this knife , to defend yourself then , " said the dervish . While he was away Nasrudin frightened himself still more , working himself up into a frenzy , which he tried to counter by imagining how he would attack any demon who threatened him . Presently the dervish returned . " Keep your distance , or " I 'll kill you ! " said Nasrudin . " But I am the dervish , " said the dervish . " I don 't care who you are - your maybe a demon in disguise . Besides , you have your head and eyebrows shaved ! " The dervishes of that order shave their head and eyebrows . " But I have come to bring you water ! Don 't you remember - you are thirsty ! " " Don 't try and ingratiate yourself with me , Demon ! " " But that is my hole you are occupying ! " said the dervish . " That 's hard luck for you , isn 't it ? You 'll just have to find another one . " replied Nasrudin . " I suppose so , " said the dervish , " but I am sure I don 't know what to make of all this . " " I can tell you onePosted by Once there was a beautiful bird , more beautiful than any other . It was powerful and free , and possessed great courage . This bird was fearless , going wherever it wanted . It also was very proud of its spectacular plumage of vibrant colors . One day the bird decided to pluck its own feathers , one by one , to make a beautiful nest in which it could rest with comfort and security . Now the bird can no longer fly . by : Brian Cavanaugh Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . Is our light , not our darkness , that most frightens us . We ask ourselves , who am I to be brilliant , gorgeous , talented , fabulous ? Actually , who are you not to be . You are a child of God . Your playing small doesn 't serve the world . There 's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won 't feel insecure around you . We are all meant to shine , as children do . We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us . It 's not just in some of us ; it 's in everyone . And as we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same . As we 're liberated from our own fear , our presence automatically liberates others . by : Marianne Williamson While watching the Olympics the other night , I came across an incredible sight . It was not a gold medal , or a world record broken , but a show of sheer determination and guts . The event was swimming and started with only three men on the blocks . For one reason or another , two of them false started , so they were disqualified . That left only one to compete . That would have been difficult enough , not having anyone to race against , even though the time on the clock is what 's important . I watched the man dive off the blocks and knew right away that something was wrong . Now I 'm not an expert swimmer but I do know a good dive from a poor one , and this was not exactly medal quality . When he resurfaced , it was evident that the man was not out for gold - - his arms were flailing in an attempt at freestyle . The crowd started to titter . Clearly this man was not a medal contender . I listened to the crowd begin to laugh at this poor man that was clearly having a hard time . Finally he made his turn to start back . It was pitiful . He made a few desperate strokes and you could tell he was exhausted . But in those few awkward strokes , the crowd had changed . by : Andi PuntorieroNo longer were they laughing , but beginning to cheer . Some even began to stand and yell things like , " Come on , you can do it ! " and , " Go for it ! " He did . A clear minute past the average swimmer , this young man finally finished his race . The crowd went wild . You would have thought that he had won the gold , and he should have . Even though he recorded one of the slowest times in Olympic history , this man gave more heart than any of the other competitors . Just a short year ago , he had never even swam , let alone raced . His country had been asked to Sydney as a courtesy . In a competion where athletes remove their silver medals feeling they have somehow been cheated out of gold , or when they act so arrogantly in front of their rivals , it is nice to watch an underdog . A man that gave his all - - knowing that he had no chance , but competed because of the spirit of the games . Posted M ws Let tell you about a man who died and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates . Realizing Saint Peter was a wise and knowledgeable person , he said , " Saint Peter , I have been interested in military history for many years . Tell me who was the greatest general of all times ? " Saint Peter quickly responded , " Oh , that 's a simple question . It is that man right over there , " as he pointed nearby . The man said , " You must be mistaken , Saint Peter . I knew that man on earth . He was just a common laborer . " " That 's right , my friend , " replied Saint Peter . " But he would have been the greatest general of all time - - if he had been a general . " You were created with natural abilities and an internal compass that guides you toward a particular focus for your life . That 's only the starting point ; the next step is yours . You have an obligation to expand that potential to its ultimate destiny . Michelangelo said , " It is only well with me when I have a chisel in my hand . " Discover what you are supposed to do and do it ! by : Neil Eskelin Author Elbert Hubbard told the story of an incident during the Spanish - American War . It was imperative that the president get a message to the leader of the insurgents . His name was Garcia and he was known to fighting somewhere in the mountains of Cuba , but no mail or telegraph could reach him . Someone said , " There 's a fellow by the name of Rowan who will find Garcia for you if anybody can . " Rowan took the letter without hesitation . He sealed it in a leather pouch strapped over his heart . He landed in the dark of night off the coast of Cuba and make his way to the mountains , and after much difficulty , found Garcia . He handed him the letter , turned around and headed home . Hubbard tells this story in " A Letter to Garcia . " Rowan didn 't ask , " Exactly where is he ? " or " I doubt if I can do it . " There was a job to be done and he did it . Instead of making a dozen excuses why you can 't complete the task , think about Rowan . Deliver the goods ! by : Neil Eskelin , Source Unknown As I ate breakfast one morning , I overheard two oncologists conversing . One complained bitterly , " You know , Bob , I just don 't understand it . We used the same drugs , the same dosage , the same schedule and the same entry criteria . Yet I got a 22 percent response rate and you got a 74 percent . That 's unheard of for metastatic cancer . How do you do it ? " His colleague replied , " We 're both using Etoposide , Platinum , Oncovin and Hydroxyurea . You call yours EPOH . I tell my patients I 'm giving them HOPE . As dismal as the statistics are , I emphasize that we have a chance . " by : William M . Buchholz , M . D . , Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter ask for a job in a timber merchant , and he got it . The paid was really good and so were the work conditions . For that reason , the woodcutter was determined to do his best . His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to work . The first day , the woodcutter brought 18 trees " Congratulations , " the boss said . " Go on that way ! " Very motivated for the boss ' words , the woodcutter try harder the next day , but he only could bring 15 trees . The third day he try even harder , but he only could bring 10 trees . Day after day he was bringing less and less trees . " I must be losing my strength " , the woodcutter thought . He went to the boss and apologized , saying that he could not understand what was going on . " When was the last time you sharpened your axe ? " the boss asked . " Sharpen ? I had no time to sharpen my axe . I have been very busy trying to cut trees . . . " by Steven Covey

Of the many interactions I had with my mother those many years ago , one stands out with clarity . I remember the occasion when mother sent me to the main road , about twenty yards away from the homestead , to invite a passing group of seasonal work - seekers home for a meal . She instructed me to take a container along and collect dry cow dung for making a fire . I was then to prepare the meal for the group of work - seekers . The thought of making an open fire outside at midday , cooking in a large three - legged pot in that intense heat , was sufficient to upset even an angel . I did not manage to conceal my feelings from my mother and , after serving the group , she called me to the veranda where she usually sat to attend to her sewing and knitting . Looking straight into my eyes , she daid " Tsholofelo , why did you sulk when I requested you to prepare a meal for those poor destitute people ? " Despite my attempt to deny her allegation , and using the heat of the fire and the sun as an excuse for my alleged behaviour , mother , giving me a firm look , said " " Lonao ga lo na nko " - " A foot has no nose " . It means : you cannot detect what trouble may lie ahead of you . Had I denied this group of people a meal , it may have happened that , in my travels some time in the future , I found myself at the mercy of those very individuals . As if that was not enough to shame me , mother continued : " Motho ke motho ka motho yo mongwe " . The literal meaning : " A person is a person because of another person " . Source : " African Wisdom " by Ellen K . Kuzwayo A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package . " What food might this contain ? " the mouse wondered . He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap . Retreating to the farmyard , the mouse proclaimed the warning : " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The chicken clucked and scratched , raised her head and said " Mr . Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you , but it is of no consequence to me . I cannot be bothered by it . " The mouse turned to the pig and told him " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The pig sympathized , but said " I am so very sorry , Mr . Mouse , but there is nothing I can do about it but pray . Be assured you are in my prayers . " The mouse turned to the cow and said " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The cow said " Wow , Mr . Mouse . I 'm sorry for you , but it 's no skin off my nose . " So , the mouse returned to the house , head down and dejected , to face the farmer 's mousetrap alone . That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever . Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . But his wife 's sickness continued , so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them , the farmer butchered the pig . The farmer 's wife did not get well ; she died . So many ! people came for her funeral , the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them . The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness . So , the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn 't concern you , remember : when one of us is threatened , we are alPosted by In ancient Greece , Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem . One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said , " Do you know what I just heard about your friend ? " " Hold on a minute , " Socrates replied . " Before telling me anything I 'd like you to pass a little test . It 's called the Triple Filter Test . " " Triple filter ? " " That 's right , " Socrates continued . " Before you talk to me about my friend , it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you 're going to say . That 's why I call it the triple filter test . The first filter is Truth . Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ? " " No , " the man said , " Actually I just heard about it and . . . " " All right , " said Socrates . " So you don 't really know if it 's true or not . Now let 's try the second filter , the filter of Goodness . Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good ? " " No , on the contrary … " " So , " Socrates continued , " you want to tell me something bad about him , but you 're not certain it 's true . You may still pass the test though , because there 's one filter left : the filter of Usefulness . Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me ? " " No , not really … " " Well , " concluded Socrates , " if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful , why tell it to me at all ? " A while back , there was a story about Reuben Gonzolas , who was in the final match of his first professional racquetball tournament . He was playing the perennial champion for his first shot at a victory on the pro circuit . At match point in the fifth and final game , Gonzolas made a super " kill shot " into the front corner to win the tournament . The referee called it good , and one of the linemen confirmed the shot was a winner . But after a moment 's hesitation , Gonzolas turned and declared that his shot had skipped into the wall , hitting the floor first . As a result , the serve went to his opponent , who went on to win the match . Reuben Gonzolas walked off the court ; everyone was stunned . The next issue of a leading racquetball magazine featured Gonzolas on its cover . The lead editorial searched and questioned for an explanation for the first ever occurrence on the professional racquetball circuit . Who could ever imagine it in any sport or endeavor ? Here was a player with everything officially in his favor , with victory in his grasp , who disqualifies himself at match point and loses . When asked why he did it , Gonzolas replied , " It was the only thing I could do to maintain my integrity . " Jack tossed the papers on my desk - - his eyebrows knit into a straight line as he glared at me . " What 's wrong ? " I asked . He jabbed a finger at the proposal . " Next time you want to change anything , ask me first , " he said , turning on his heels and leaving me stewing in anger . How dare he treat me like that , I thought . I had changed one long sentence , and corrected grammar - - something I thought I was paid to do . It 's not that I hadn 't been warned . The other women , who had served in my place before me , called him names I couldn 't repeat . One co - worker took me aside the first day . " He 's personally responsible for two different secretaries leaving the firm , " she whispered . As the weeks went by , I grew to despise Jack . It was against everything I believed in - - turn the other cheek and love your enemies . But Jack quickly slapped a verbal insult on any cheek turned his way . I prayed about it , but to be honest , I wanted to put him in his place , not love him . One day , another of his episodes left me in tears . I stormed into his office , prepared to lose my job if needed , but not before I let the man know how I felt . I opened the door and Jack glanced up . " What ? " he said abruptly . Suddenly I knew what I had to do . After all , he deserved it . I sat across from him . " Jack , the way you 've been treating me is wrong . I 've never had anyone speak to me that way . As a professional , it 's wrong , and it 's wrong for me to allow it to continue , " I said . Jack snickered nervously and leaned back in his chair . I closed my eyes briefly . God help me , I prayed . " I want to make you a promise . I will be a friend , " I said . " I will treat you as you deserve to be treated , with respect and kindness . You deserve that , " I said . " Everybody does . " I slipped out of the chair and closed the door behind me . Jack avoided me the rest of the week . Proposals , specs , and letters appeared on my desk while I was at lunch , and the corrected versions were not seen again . I brought cookies to the office one day and left a batch on Jack 's desk . Another day I left a note . " Hope yPosted by She came into my life when I was eight years old . My dad found her at work . She was a stray and starving . He took one look at her , and said " Seems like you could use a good home . " He opened up the door to his pickup and she jumped in . Her tailed wagged all the way . I was still at school , when dad arrived home with the puppy . Mom and dad fed her and gave her a bath . This would be my first pet . I had always wanted a dog . My parents told me when I was old enough and responsible , I could have one . Well I guess they figured the time was right . I hopped off the bus , not knowing what awaited inside for me . I walked through the door , and to my surprise a white and black puppy with a red bow stuck to her head , greeted me with many many puppy kisses . A very special friendship was born that day . Now she needed a name . My older brother laughed at her and said her tail was deformed . It doesn 't wag its tail back and forth , it goes in a circle . He motions his finger around his ear , and says " She 's squirrely " Thus my puppy , Squirrely got her name . She was a smart dog . I taught her to play hide and seek . We would play for hours , spending our days learning and growing together . Eleven years we were together , best of friends . Arthritis and old age set in on her . My parents knew what had to be done , but they stood back and let me find and make the decision myself . She was suffering so much and the medicine didn 't seem to help anymore . She could barely walk . I looked into those deep brown eyes and realized it was time to let he go . I carried her into the vet 's office , placed her on the table . Squirrely leaned her head forward , gave a lick to my hand . As if to say she understood , and stay strong . Her tail was wagging in that circle as it always did . The vet gave her a sedative first , for the final shot was given on her front paw , and that was painful . She first went to sleep , but her tail still wagged . Then the vet asked before giving the final shot , " Are you sure ? " With a heavy heart and tear filled eye 's , I nodded yes . The final shot was givePosted by One day , many years ago , when I was working as a psychologist at a children 's institution in England , an adolescent boy showed up in the waiting room . I went out there where he was walking up and down restlessly . I showed him into my office and pointed to the chair on the other side of my desk . It was in late autumn , and the lilac bush outside the window had shed all its leaves . " Please sit down , " I said . David wore a black rain coat that was buttoned all the way up to his neck . His face was pale , and he stared at his feet while wringing his hands nervously . He had lost his father as an infant , and had lived together with his mother and grandfather since . But the year before David turned 13 , his grandfather died and his mother was killed in a car accident . Now he was 14 and in family care . His head teacher had referred him to me . " This boy , " he wrote , " is understandably very sad and depressed . He refuses to talk to others and I 'm very worried about him . Can you help ? " I looked at David . How could I help him ? There are human tragedies psychology doesn 't have the answer to , and which no words can describe . Sometimes the best thing one can do is to listen openly and sympathetically . The first two times we met , David didn 't say a word . He sat hunched up in the chair and only looked up to look at the children 's drawings on the wall behind me . As he was about to leave after the second visit , I put my hand on his shoulder . He didn 't shrink back , but he didn 't look at me either . " Come back next week , if you like , " I said . I hesitated a bit . Then I said , " I know it hurts . " He came , and I suggested we play a game of chess . He nodded . After that we played chess every Wednesday afternoon - in complete silence and without making any eye contact . It 's not easy to cheat in chess , but I admit that I made sure David won once or twice . Usually , he arrived earlier than agreed , took the chessboard and pieces from the shelf and began setting them up before I even got a chance to sit down . It seemed as if he enjoyed my company . But why did hePosted by I can still remember the first day when I met my best friend . She had just moved into the neighborhood and her grandmother who also lived in the neighborhood brought her down to meet me . I hid behind my mother and she hid behind her grandmother , scared to look at each other . Soon , we lost the shyness and started playing with each other , bike riding to each other 's house and having sleepovers . In 7th grade , I first lost touch with her . She was going through family problems and I deserted her to be with the " cooler people " . None of my new friends liked her as much as I did because they knew she had " problems " . However every summer we would always sit at each other 's house and watch soap operas , eat Doritos ( or whatever junk food her mom had bought ) and talk about all the boys we liked . It was last year when I noticed the problem . I guess I was just to catch up in high school to realize she needed someone there for her . Well , she made a new " best friend " and so did I . Then I didn 't know why , but she started cutting herself ! She was diagnosed with clinical depression , and had to go to a hospital during the day . I was very upset at first but with the late nite calls , and meeting each other halfway up the street at midnight . We still stayed in touch . I wanted to be there for her since her new best friend basically deserted her since people were calling her crazy , and I knew I still cared about her like a sister . Yesterday she came to me and said this : " I never knew what a best friend was until you were the only person that would stop me from cutting ; the only person that ever made me feel better about myself and my problems . You don 't know this but I was trying to kill myself this one nite you called me and I was crying . I owe you so much , and you didn 't even know you were helping me . " We both cried . And I guess a kind of lesson from my life so far is to never give up on your friends . Even if they aren 't as cool as others , or people think they are crazy , they need someone there . If you desert them , you will only be miserabPosted by When I was in seventh grade , I was a candy striper at a local hospital in my town . I volunteered about thirty to forty hours a week during the summer . Most of the time I spent there was with Mr . Gillespie . He never had any visitors , and nobody seemed to care about his condition . I spent many days there holding his hand and talking to him , helping with anything that needed to be done . He became a close friend of mine , even though he responded with only an occasional squeeze of my hand . Mr . Gillespie was in a coma . I left for a week to vacation with my parents , and when I came back , Mr . Gillespie was gone . I didn 't have the nerve to ask any of the nurses where he was , for fear they might tell me he had died . So with many questions unanswered , I continued to volunteer there through my eighth - grade year . Several years later , when I was a junior in high school , I was at the gas station when I noticed a familiar face . When I realized who it was , my eyes filled with tears . He was alive ! I got up the nerve to ask him if his name was Mr . Gillespie , and if he had been in a coma about five years ago . With an uncertain look on his face , he replied yes . I explained how I knew him , and that I had spent many hours talking with him in the hospital . His eyes welled up with tears , and he gave me the warmest hug I had ever received . He began to tell me how , as he lay there comatose , he could hear me talking to him and could feel me holding his hand the whole time . He thought it was an angel , not a person , who was there with him . Mr . Gillespie firmly believed that it was my voice and touch that had kept him alive . Then he told me about his life and what happened to him to put him in the coma . We both cried for a while and exchanged a hug , said our good - byes and went our separate ways . Although I haven 't seen him since , he fills my heart with joy every day . I know that I made a difference between his life and his death . More important , he has made a tremendous difference in my life . I will never forget him and what he did for me : he made mPosted by Last night was the last game for my eight - year - old son 's soccer team . It was the final quarter . The score was two to one , my son 's team in the lead . Parents encircled the field , offering encouragement . With less than ten seconds remaining , the ball rolled in front of my son 's teammate , one Mikey O ' Donnel . With shouts of " Kick it ! " echoing across the field , Mikey reared back and gave it everything he had . All round me the crowd erupted . O ' Donnel had scored ! Then there was silence . Mikey had scored all right , but in the wrong goal , ending the game in a tie . For a moment there was total hush . You see , Mikey has Down 's syndrome and for him there is no such thing as a wrong goal . All goals were celebrated by a joyous hug from Mikey . He had even been known to hug the opposing players when they scored . The silence was finally broken when Mikey , his face filled with joy , grabbed my son , hugged him and yelled , " I scored ! I scored . Everybody won ! Everybody won ! " For a moment I held my breath , not sure how my son would react . I need not have worried . I watched , through tears , as my son threw up his hand in the classic high - five salute and started chanting , " Way to go Mikey ! Way to go Mikey ! " Within moments both teams surrounded Mikey , joining in the chant and congratulating him on his goal . Later that night , when my daughter asked who had won , I smiled as I replied , " It was a tie . Everybody won . " written by Kim Kane Once upon a time there was a little boy who was raised in a orphanage . The little boy had always wished that he could fly like a bird . It was very difficult for him to understand why he could not fly . There were birds at the zoo that were much bigger than he , and they could fly . " Why can 't I ? " he thought . " Is there something wrong with me ? " he wondered . There was another little boy who was crippled . He had always wished that he could walk and run like other little boys and girls . " Why can 't I be like them ? " he thought . One day the little orphan boy who had wanted to fly like a bird ran away from the orphanage . He came upon a park where he saw the little boy who could not walk or run playing in the sandbox . He ran over to the little boy and asked him if he had ever wanted to fly like a bird . " No , " said the little boy who could not walk or run . " But I have wondered what it would be like to walk and run like other boys and girls . " " That is very sad . " said the little boy who wanted to fly . " Do you think we could be friends ? " he said to the little boy in the sandbox . " Sure . " said the little boy . The two little boys played for hours . They made sand castles and made really funny sounds with their mouths . Sounds which made them laugh real hard . Then the little boy 's father came with a wheelchair to pick up his son . The little boy who had always wanted to fly ran over to the boy 's father and whispered something into his ear . " That would be OK , " said the man . The little boy who had always wanted to fly like a bird ran over to his new friend and said , " You are my only friend and I wish that there was something that I could do to make you walk and run like other little boys and girls . But I can 't . But there is something that I can do for you . " The little orphan boy turned around and told his new friend to slide up onto his back . He then began to run across the grass . Faster and faster he ran , carrying the little crippled boy on his back . Faster and harder he ran across the park . Harder and harder he made his legs travel . Soon the wind juPosted by We were a very motley crowd of people who took the bus every day that summer 33 years ago . During the early morning ride from the suburb , we sat drowsily with our collars up to our ears , a cheerless and taciturn bunch . One of the passengers was a small grey man who took the bus to the centre for senior citizens every morning . He walked with a stoop and a sad look on his face when he , with some difficulty , boarded the bus and sat down alone behind the driver . No one ever paid very much attention to him . Then one July morning he said good morning to the driver and smiled short - sightedly down through the bus before he sat down . The driver nodded guardedly . The rest of us were silent . The next day , the old man boarded the bus energetically , smiled and said in a loud voice : " And a very good morning to you all ! " Some of us looked up , amazed , and murmured " Good morning , " in reply . The following weeks we were more alert . Our friend was now dressed in a nice old suit and a wide out - of - date tie . The thin hair had been carefully combed . He said good morning to us every day and we gradually began to nod and talk to each other . One morning he had a bunch of wild flowers in his hand . They were already dangling a little because of the heat . The driver turned around smilingly and asked : " Have you got yourself a girlfriend , Charlie ? " We never got to know if his name really was " Charlie " , but he nodded shyly and said yes . The other passengers whistled and clapped at him . Charlie bowed and waved the flowers before he sat down on his seat . Every morning after that Charlie always brought a flower . Some of the regular passengers began bringing him flowers for his bouquet , gently nudged him and said shyly : " Here . " Everyone smiled . The men started to jest about it , talk to each other , and share the newspaper . The summer went by , and autumn was closing in , when one morning Charlie wasn 't waiting at his usual stop . When he wasn 't there the next day and the day after that , we started wondering if he was sick or - - hopefully - - on holiday somewherePosted by In ancient times , lessons were taught via stories told around the campfires at the end of the day . The wise elders would tell and retell fables that turned into modern stories such as " The Hare and the Tortoise " where the moral of " slow and steady wins the race " is taught to children ( and adults ) through animal characters . When my kids were little , these kinds of stories were in books . Today , I hear of parents who use iPods with stories on them to " read " to their kids . ( And I thought the audio cassette with Chicken Little was cool ? ! ) Is it fair to say that the stories of future will be passed on through the internet through things like YouTube ? I saw this video this week and it made me ponder , Why Did the Dog Cross the Road ? http : / / www . growtogreatness . com / posting / why - did - the - dog - cross - the - road . htmWhen you watch this video , you see a dog ; I will call him Barley , stepping out into a busy multilane freeway in Chile . Why did the dog cross the road ? It was rush hour and cars and trucks were zooming by at high speeds . Why in the world would this dog attempt to cross the road ? If you were able to see the video , you know that Barley is hit by a car . His still body lies lifeless on the dotted line separating two of the lanes as cars and trucks race by avoiding hitting him again . Why ? Why did Barley cross the road that day ? Was he just being stupid ? Did his mommy dog not teach him about the dangers of this world ? Did he see too many movies of dangerous stunts and was Barley just trying to defy the odds and gain a moment of fame in the process ? Or , was Barley trying to get to his kids and was not going to let anything stop him , no matter the danger involved ? We all know that as parents , we would do ANYTHING for our kids , especially if they were in some kind of trouble . Or , was Barley giving up that day . Did the economic times leave Barley feeling like there was not hope , that life was just too hard and the world would be better off without him ? Was he cold and tired and just giving up as he stepped onto that crowded busy freeway ? BM ws During one of our seminars , a woman asked a common question . She said , ' How do I know if I married the right person ? ' I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said , ' It depends . Is that your husband ? ' In all seriousness , she answered ' How do you know ? ' Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it 's weighing on your mind . Here 's the answer . EVERY relationship has a cycle . In the beginning , you fell in love with your spouse / partner . You anticipated their call , wanted their touch , and liked their idiosyncrasies ( unconventional behavior / habit ) . Falling in love with your spouse wasn 't hard . In fact , it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience . You didn 't have to DO anything . That 's why it 's called ' falling ' in love . . . Because it 's happening TO YOU . People in love sometimes say , ' I was swept off my feet . ' Think about the imagery of that expression . It implies that you were just standing there ; doing nothing , and then something came along and happened TO YOU . Falling in love is easy . It 's a passive and spontaneous experience . But after a few years of marriage , the euphoria ( excitement ) of love fades . It 's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship . Slowly but surely , phone calls become a bother ( if they come at all ) , touch is not always welcome ( when it happens ) , and your spouse 's idiosyncrasies , instead of being cute , drive you nuts . The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship , but if you think about your marriage , you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage . At this point , you and / or your spouse might start asking , ' Did I marry the right person ? ' And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had , you may begin to desire that experience with someone else . This is when marriages breakdown . People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment . Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes . Infidelity is the mPosted by " Spare some change for a cuppa tea , mate ? " How often had he heard such pleas ? Hundreds . And how often had he done as he was asked ? Never . So why was he hesitating now ? Robert ( never Bob ) Trevelyan had been striding down the pedestrianised St Martin 's Court near Leicester Square tube station in central London . He had just come out of the one bookshop in the court , " Unworths " , where he had at last managed to buy a suitable birthday gift for his sister : an antiquarian work on the Pre - Raphaelite Brotherhood . He would never normally have given a second glance to the homeless vagrant sheltering in a fire exit doorway of Wyndhams Theatre . It might have been the narrowness and intimacy of the court itself ; it was hard to avoid the man . It might have been the lack of urgency in his personal timetable ; today he was not in his usual urban rush . It might have been the recent dramatic change in his professional circumstances ; losing one 's job and being unemployed made one more aware of the fragility of life . Robert Trevelyan had enjoyed a comfortable middle - class upbringing : public school , good university , some international travel , career in banking , fair bit of sex , some drugs , but no wife and certainly no children . He had chosen the finance sector for his profession because he believed that making a difference could come later ; for now he wanted to make some money , some serious money . Somehow he had migrated to the exotic and esoteric world of derivatives . He was at a dinner party once when this rather attractive young thing asked him what he did and her face had simply crumpled when he had attempted to explain forwards , futures , options and swaps . Never again . But what he had loved about derivatives as a financial instrument was how they focused on aspects of risk . He had always been something of a risk taker . Moving to the American - based Lehman Brothers early in 2008 had been a risk , but he had never expected the economic recession of that year to hit so fast and so hard . In mid September the firm filed for Chapter 11 Posted by Having graduated college and determined to become a criminal defense lawyer , a young man had his heart set on working for a particular foundation located in a ghetto that provided legal defense and other social services for its community . This was to be his training ground and leg up to get into the law school of his choice . With no experience , the foundation would not hire him . Nonetheless , he showed up week after week , insisting they accept him as a volunteer intern for one year . Finally , they relented . For one year , he learned legal research , interviewed witnesses , did absolutely anything ask of him and learned everything he could . Near the end of that year , he received a rejection letter from the only law school he wanted to attend . Having given his all , working long hours and devoting himself to the foundation , the community and the work , he was devastated . Upon learning the news and unbeknownst to him , three young attorneys from the foundation had secretly and immediately set a meeting that very afternoon with the dean of the law school . Putting their reputation and that of the foundation on the line , they surrounded the dean , insisting she grant a wild card admission on the spot . Champagne in hand , they returned to deliver the surprise news . I was that young man . And I was amazed to the point of being speechless . These three attorneys canceled their court calendars for an entire afternoon to do everything in their power to deliver my dream . This was their way of expressing their appreciation for my persistence and dedication , for the value I contributed to make their work and the foundation 's mission a bit more successful , for being a positive and consistent presence , and for volunteering my best . Have you ever been amazed by people going out of their way to do something extraordinary for you ? Have you ever wondered what inspires people to take such action and be so generous of spirit ? Can you conjure up the feelings of wonder , appreciation and joy that flow from being on the giving or receiving end of suchPosted by Figure it out for yourself my lad . You 've got all that the great have had . Two arms , two legs , two hands , two eyes , and a brain to use if you 'd be wise . With this equipment they all began , so start for the top and say " I Can . " Look them over the wise and the great . They take their food from a common plate . With similar knives and forks they use , with similar laces they tie their shoes . The world consider them brave and smart , but you know - you 've got all they had , when they made their start . You can triumph and come to skill you can be great if you only will . You 're well equipped for the fight you choose , you have arms and legs and brains to use . And people who have risen , great deeds to do started their lives with no more than you . You are the handicap you must face . You are the one who must choose your place . You must say where you want to go . How much you 'll study the truth to know . God has equipped you for life , but he lets you decide what you want to be . The courage must come from the soul within , you must furnish the will to win . So figure it out for yourself my lad , you were born with all the great have had . With your equipment they all began , so start for the top and say " I Can . " Posted by A samurai , a very proud warrior , came to see a Zen Master one day . The samurai was very famous , but looking at the beauty of the Master and the Grace of the moment , he suddenly felt inferior . He said to the Master , " Why am I feeling inferior ? Just a moment ago everything was okay . As I entered your court suddenly I felt inferior . I have never felt like that before . I have faced death many times , and I have never felt any fear - - why am I now feeling frightened ? " The Master said , " Wait . When everyone else has gone , I will answer . " People continued the whole day to come and see the Master , and the samurai was getting more and more tired waiting . By evening the room was empty , and the samurai said , " Now , can you answer me ? " The Master said , " Come outside . " It was a full moon night , the moon was just rising on the horizen . And he said , " Look at these trees . This tree is high in the sky and this small one beside it . They both have existed beside my window for years , and there has never been any problem . The smaller tree has never said to the big tree , ' Why do I feel inferior before you ? ' This tree is small , and that tree is big - - why have I never heard a whisper of it ? " The samurai said , " Because they can 't compare . " The Master replied , " Then you need not ask me . You know the answer . " Posted by There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died . In her grief , she went to the holy man and said , " What prayers , what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life ? " Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her , he said to her , " Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow . We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life . " The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed . She came first to a splendid mansion , knocked at the door , and said , " I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow . Is this such a place ? It is very important to me . " They told her , " You 've certainly come to the wrong place , " and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them . The woman said to herself , " Who is better able to help these poor , unfortunate people that I , who have had misfortune of my my own ? " Shestayed to comfort them , then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow . But wherever she turned , in hovels and in other places , she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune . She became so involved in ministering to other people 's grief that ultimately she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed , never realizing that it had , in fact , driven the sorrow out of her life . by : Brian Cavanaugh Nasrudin was walking along a lonely road one moonlit night when he heard a snore seemingly directly beneath his feet . Suddenly he experienced fear and was about to flee when he tripped over a dervish lying in a pit which he had dug for himself , partly underground . " Who are you ? " the Mulla stammered . " I am a dervish , and this is my contemplation place . " Nasrudin replied , " You will have to let me share it . Your snoring frightened me out of my wits , and I cannot continue any further this night . " " Take the other end of this blanket , then , " said the dervish without much enthusiasm , " and lie down here . Please be quiet , because I am keeping a vigil . It is a part of a complicated series of exercises . Tomorrow I must change the pattern , and I cannot stand any interruption . " Nasrudin fell asleep for a while . Then he woke up , very thirsty . " I am thirsty , " he told the dervish . " Then go back down the road , where there is a stream . " " No , I am still afraid . " replied Nasrudin . " I shall go for you then , " said the dervish . " After all , to provide water is a sacred obligation in the East . " " No , please don 't go for I am still afraid to be alone ! " " Take this knife , to defend yourself then , " said the dervish . While he was away Nasrudin frightened himself still more , working himself up into a frenzy , which he tried to counter by imagining how he would attack any demon who threatened him . Presently the dervish returned . " Keep your distance , or " I 'll kill you ! " said Nasrudin . " But I am the dervish , " said the dervish . " I don 't care who you are - your maybe a demon in disguise . Besides , you have your head and eyebrows shaved ! " The dervishes of that order shave their head and eyebrows . " But I have come to bring you water ! Don 't you remember - you are thirsty ! " " Don 't try and ingratiate yourself with me , Demon ! " " But that is my hole you are occupying ! " said the dervish . " That 's hard luck for you , isn 't it ? You 'll just have to find another one . " replied Nasrudin . " I suppose so , " said the dervish , " but I am sure I don 't know what to make of all this . " " I can tell you onePosted by Once there was a beautiful bird , more beautiful than any other . It was powerful and free , and possessed great courage . This bird was fearless , going wherever it wanted . It also was very proud of its spectacular plumage of vibrant colors . One day the bird decided to pluck its own feathers , one by one , to make a beautiful nest in which it could rest with comfort and security . Now the bird can no longer fly . by : Brian Cavanaugh Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . Is our light , not our darkness , that most frightens us . We ask ourselves , who am I to be brilliant , gorgeous , talented , fabulous ? Actually , who are you not to be . You are a child of God . Your playing small doesn 't serve the world . There 's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won 't feel insecure around you . We are all meant to shine , as children do . We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us . It 's not just in some of us ; it 's in everyone . And as we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same . As we 're liberated from our own fear , our presence automatically liberates others . by : Marianne Williamson While watching the Olympics the other night , I came across an incredible sight . It was not a gold medal , or a world record broken , but a show of sheer determination and guts . The event was swimming and started with only three men on the blocks . For one reason or another , two of them false started , so they were disqualified . That left only one to compete . That would have been difficult enough , not having anyone to race against , even though the time on the clock is what 's important . I watched the man dive off the blocks and knew right away that something was wrong . Now I 'm not an expert swimmer but I do know a good dive from a poor one , and this was not exactly medal quality . When he resurfaced , it was evident that the man was not out for gold - - his arms were flailing in an attempt at freestyle . The crowd started to titter . Clearly this man was not a medal contender . I listened to the crowd begin to laugh at this poor man that was clearly having a hard time . Finally he made his turn to start back . It was pitiful . He made a few desperate strokes and you could tell he was exhausted . But in those few awkward strokes , the crowd had changed . by : Andi PuntorieroNo longer were they laughing , but beginning to cheer . Some even began to stand and yell things like , " Come on , you can do it ! " and , " Go for it ! " He did . A clear minute past the average swimmer , this young man finally finished his race . The crowd went wild . You would have thought that he had won the gold , and he should have . Even though he recorded one of the slowest times in Olympic history , this man gave more heart than any of the other competitors . Just a short year ago , he had never even swam , let alone raced . His country had been asked to Sydney as a courtesy . In a competion where athletes remove their silver medals feeling they have somehow been cheated out of gold , or when they act so arrogantly in front of their rivals , it is nice to watch an underdog . A man that gave his all - - knowing that he had no chance , but competed because of the spirit of the games . Posted M ws Let tell you about a man who died and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates . Realizing Saint Peter was a wise and knowledgeable person , he said , " Saint Peter , I have been interested in military history for many years . Tell me who was the greatest general of all times ? " Saint Peter quickly responded , " Oh , that 's a simple question . It is that man right over there , " as he pointed nearby . The man said , " You must be mistaken , Saint Peter . I knew that man on earth . He was just a common laborer . " " That 's right , my friend , " replied Saint Peter . " But he would have been the greatest general of all time - - if he had been a general . " You were created with natural abilities and an internal compass that guides you toward a particular focus for your life . That 's only the starting point ; the next step is yours . You have an obligation to expand that potential to its ultimate destiny . Michelangelo said , " It is only well with me when I have a chisel in my hand . " Discover what you are supposed to do and do it ! by : Neil Eskelin Author Elbert Hubbard told the story of an incident during the Spanish - American War . It was imperative that the president get a message to the leader of the insurgents . His name was Garcia and he was known to fighting somewhere in the mountains of Cuba , but no mail or telegraph could reach him . Someone said , " There 's a fellow by the name of Rowan who will find Garcia for you if anybody can . " Rowan took the letter without hesitation . He sealed it in a leather pouch strapped over his heart . He landed in the dark of night off the coast of Cuba and make his way to the mountains , and after much difficulty , found Garcia . He handed him the letter , turned around and headed home . Hubbard tells this story in " A Letter to Garcia . " Rowan didn 't ask , " Exactly where is he ? " or " I doubt if I can do it . " There was a job to be done and he did it . Instead of making a dozen excuses why you can 't complete the task , think about Rowan . Deliver the goods ! by : Neil Eskelin , Source Unknown As I ate breakfast one morning , I overheard two oncologists conversing . One complained bitterly , " You know , Bob , I just don 't understand it . We used the same drugs , the same dosage , the same schedule and the same entry criteria . Yet I got a 22 percent response rate and you got a 74 percent . That 's unheard of for metastatic cancer . How do you do it ? " His colleague replied , " We 're both using Etoposide , Platinum , Oncovin and Hydroxyurea . You call yours EPOH . I tell my patients I 'm giving them HOPE . As dismal as the statistics are , I emphasize that we have a chance . " by : William M . Buchholz , M . D . , Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter ask for a job in a timber merchant , and he got it . The paid was really good and so were the work conditions . For that reason , the woodcutter was determined to do his best . His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to work . The first day , the woodcutter brought 18 trees " Congratulations , " the boss said . " Go on that way ! " Very motivated for the boss ' words , the woodcutter try harder the next day , but he only could bring 15 trees . The third day he try even harder , but he only could bring 10 trees . Day after day he was bringing less and less trees . " I must be losing my strength " , the woodcutter thought . He went to the boss and apologized , saying that he could not understand what was going on . " When was the last time you sharpened your axe ? " the boss asked . " Sharpen ? I had no time to sharpen my axe . I have been very busy trying to cut trees . . . " by Steven Covey

Oh , summer . Will we ever get along ? Probably not . It 's been a while . At first it was because I was super busy . Then it was because I was super blah . My Random Balls of Happiness project kind of exploded for a minute , but has calmed down since . I 'm just letting it take its own course . It 's been really interesting to see the people I connect with on Instagram , and the other projects that are out there . There 's such a huge community of people trying to spread happiness and find and point out the beauty in the world . It 's amazing . A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock ( @ justjennifer75 ) on Jun 6 , 2016 at 6 : 10pm PDT Even though my Happy Balls are kind of like therapy for me , and I 've been feeling really good for a while , the clouds rolled in not too long ago . I had hoped it was a PMS thing , and my therapist and psychiatrist think it could be hormonal , but I 'm definitely struggling . The psychiatrist is adjusting my medications and my therapist suggested that I keep track of my moods to see if it is related to my hormones in any way . I really need more than 2 highlighters because I should have more than " happy " and " sad " , but it 's more like " good " and " bad " and I 'm writing what 's actually going on . I HATE adjusting my Topamax dosage . Good grief that stuff messes me up for a few days when I have to increase it . The psychiatrist also gave me Lorazepam , which honestly scares the crap out of me because it 's addictive . It 's prescribed to be taken as needed , and I 've only taken it once since she prescribed it . I know people abuse the stuff , and I don 't know how it makes people feel when they don 't have anxiety / depression , but it just made me feel calm again and eventually I fell asleep . Like I said , the stuff makes me nervous ( ironic , an anti - anxiety medication making you anxious ) because I don 't want to be dependent on anything . I 've never even liked strong pain killers . Plus , it 's not often I have the luxury of being able to just knock myself out to cope with not being able to deal with life . You know what I mean ? I have kids that need to be attended to , a job that I have to work . It 's not easy to schedule a nervous breakdown . Trust me , I 've been postponing mine for years now . I 'm actually having a good day so far . It 's not even 7am , but you know , I actually have a positive outlook on the day instead of feeling like finding the nearest cave and moving in . Hopefully I can have a nice long yellow streak on the calendar . PMS isn 't supposed to hit for another week at any rate , anyway . Except Isabelle thought that meant we were going to the hibachi grill and was pouty . I love Japanese food as much as the next guy , but it 's expensive . She got over it and ordered soup and was mildly disturbed by the " giant weeds " in it . LOL After dinner , we took a walk at The Old Mill . It was crowded with people trying to take pictures , which isn 't unusual because it 's a popular photography spot . We dropped a few Random Balls of Happiness off . There was a bride taking pictures and Isabelle tried to catch up with her to give her one of the balls , but didn 't make it to her before she left . Which , as it turns out was actually kind of serendipitous . . . The ball Isabelle had was the gray ball at the top . When we didn 't make it back across the lake before the bride left , we found a tree and hung the ball . I worried a bit about that ball because it was gray and a little dull . It wasn 't all bright and noticeable like most of my balls . I worried that no one would find it . Sunday , I got a message on Instagram from a lady asking me if she could buy some balls . I didn 't know her and she didn 't mention knowing anyone in common , so I asked if she had found one of my balls . She found the little gray ball at The Old Mill ! She 's travelling to NY in a few weeks and wants to take some RBOH with her . I 'm pretty excited at how all of this is going . I have lots of ideas brewing for it . So we cleaned it up . It was pathetic . Scratched up , crusty , scabby . Skin and bones . Fed it some canned food . Bundled it up and kept it warm . I told the girls it had to go straight to the shelter , though . A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock ( @ justjennifer75 ) on May 30 , 2016 at 11 : 46am PDT I called the shelter and they pretty much said it 'd die there . I know that making you feel like crap is part of the game because they don 't want to take in any animals , but they did have a point . The cat needed more care than they had time for . So I felt too guilty and ended up taking it to the vet instead . Black Jelly Bean is about 5 weeks old . Malnourished , but otherwise looks OK . We 're syringe feeding him for a few days until he starts eating on his own . I still want to find another home for him , we really have way too many animals already . But at least he has a chance now . Just need to find another sucker . . . I mean softy . . . . like me . = ) I was always a bit disappointed that the girls never went to a school that did Kindergarten graduations . I think it 's adorable . But they didn 't . So Olivia 's Elementary graduation this past Friday was our first official " graduation " ceremony . I honestly can 't believe that I have a child entering Middle School next year . And as I was looking at all the kids on the stage Friday night , not a single one of them looked old enough to be going into Middle School . Babies , I tell you . All little babies . But My little Livi has made it . . . . from the first day of Kindergarten through fifth grade . Mr . Bill acted like he didn 't understand the point of Elementary graduation ceremonies , but I think he was proud all the same . He at least managed one of his rare smiles for a picture . Trust me , that 's a HUGE deal . So , I took a little time off of work . It was wonderful . So needed . I really wish I didn 't have to go back to work , but bills have to be paid . Stupid bills . My main goal was a lot of time alone . While I did battle a little guilt and feeling selfish about that , it was absolutely necessary . You can 't possibly imagine how theraputic hours of solitude is to me . I couldn 't take a Monday through Friday off because of other vacations previously scheduled , and I think it would have been even better if I had because there was a 3 day chunk of family in the middle of my solitude , but it was still very refreshing . I feel so much better . Thursday , I dropped the kids off at school ( an unfortunate deal I make with the hubs when I am off work , it 's torture ) and went for a walk . I had packed up my Happy Ball supplies and sat by the river and crocheted . I made a fun rainbow Happy Ball and left it on a statue by the Two Rivers Bridge . I went to the yarn shop nearby and bought some yarn that I just adore . I gave the shop owner a Happy Ball . To be honest , I don 't really remember much else about the day . . . . . it seemed to slip by too fast . Poof , it was time for the girls to be out of school . I went to get my hair trimmed and then spent the day with that guy . We had lunch together and were pretty bored , really . We just wandered the mall . We had a good time , we just were pretty aimless . The weekend was our average weekend . Monday I had planned on doing some heavy cleaning around the house after taking a long walk . I dropped the kids off at school and took my walk . It started raining on my last mile . I got home , changed , and crawled into bed with Bill to warm up because I was chilled to the bone . I woke up at 1 : 30p . m . This isn 't all of them because the girls stole quite a few to take to school along the way and I gave a few away . I need to mail off a few batches . I have a list of 5 or 6 people still who want some . Yesterday was my last day off , so I decided to spend it out on my own again . I took the girls to school and it was too early to really do much , so I went home and napped with Bill for just a little bit . I got up and went to IHOP and had a late breakfast . Then I went and watched Mother 's Day . I have never been to see a movie by myself . I like not having to worry about what someone else wants to see . Of course , there really wasn 't anything playing I really cared about seeing . The movie wasn 't bad , though . After that I went back to the yarn shop , again . . . . I got to sit and play with yarn with they ladies at Yarn Kandy today . I gave Kandy a # randomballofhappiness last time I was there and it was sitting atop the knitting needle rack . # ballsinthewild The shop owner had my Happy Ball on display on the knitting needle rack = ) . Of course , I had to get more yarn because I have a problem ( who doesn 't LOL ) and I had an hour to kill before having to pick up the girls so I sat and crocheted . There were 4 other ladies there knitting and eating lunch . They were all very nice . I finished 2 balls and gave them to 2 of the ladies when I left . After I got the girls , I had to go to the library because I needed to pick up the third season of Doctor Who ( I 'm just now watching these . . . . the season finales are killing me each time people . How do you do this ? ) We had left a Happy Ball there about a month ago and one of the librarians found it and posted it on Instagram . It was actually the first time someone used the hashtag # randomballofhappiness on Instagram besides me and my friends . Well , she was at the library and recognized Zoe from a picture I posted . She was so excited . She said they were so tickled to have been yarn bombed and she couldn 't wait to tell one of the other librarians that she had ran into me . I felt almost famous or something . I have an idea brewing with these little balls for Father 's Day . It 's in the cooking stage . And I " m going to post the pattern for the balls for anyone who wants it in a few days when I get the time . So look for that . . . . . I have to admit , I was shocked at first . Not because I thought you were wrong for what you said . Because I whole - heartedly agree with everything you said . But because I guess I try not to show things like that a lot and didn 't realize I let that much of it show . I 've never been all that strict as far as discipline goes , but this past year things have definitely spun out of control . So many things have spun out of control over the past year . I needed help long before I sought it , and it 's going to take me a very long time and it 's going to take a lot of hard work and probably a lot of frustration and tears along the way but I will regain control . I take full responsibility for how they act . . . . I know I should lay some of it on my husband , but with our work schedules , he 's really not around much ( which is a big problem in and of itself , but not one that will be resolved any time soon ) . There have been many days that the absolute best I could give was my physical presence . I 've not been mentally or emotionally available so much lately to be a good mother . I was just a body sitting in a chair , if they were lucky . . . sometimes I 'd be laying in bed . There were many times they 'd get what they wanted just so that I didn 't have to fight because there wasn 't any fight in me . And Today Me , looking back , feels AWFUL about that . I don 't want my kids to remember that about me . My husband . . . . . I have many mixed feelings where he is concerned . He might go to counselling if I gave him an ultimatum , but he would never go willingly . He 's an ass , and when I 'm in a good mood , I 'll call him out on it and he thinks it 's all in fun . When I 'm not in a good mood , he doesn 't understand why I don 't find it funny anymore . I don 't know if he just doesn 't know when to draw the line or what . I don 't want to make excuses for him though . Like I said . . mixed feelings . And finally , rest assured . . . . I 'm not taking this medication trying to lose weight . Losing weight is not really even something I 'm worried about right at the moment . If I do lose weight taking this , great , but I 'm far more concerned with getting my physical and emotional health back on track right now . I think my melt down the other day was due to hormones , not the medication . Sodas taste awful and I have noticed I really don 't crave sugar , which is actually a blessing because it 's made it so much easier to avoid snacking at night and my fasting blood sugars have been beautiful . But ultimately , the hope is that it will even out my moods . Anything else is just a bonus . I really appreciate your concern , and I assure you that I am taking care of me . = ) I saw the psychiatrist Monday and she put me on a medication that gives me a headache . You would think I 'd keep it at bay with Advil , but I 'm just really tired of taking pills , so I suffer through it most of the day like an idiot . She made this drug sound like the holy grail . It 'll make you lose weight ! You 'll lose interest in drinking soda ! You 'll stop craving carbs and sugar ! All while it levels out your moods . Let me just say , the weeks leading up to this appointment . . . I had been in really good spirits . Since my primary care doctor upped my Effexor , life was good . I started the new med , had a meltdown and have had a headache ever since . And my therapist has fallen off the face of the earth or something . We had an appointment Tuesday and she texted me that she was sick and asked if we could reschedule for today or Friday . I said either day was fine and I haven 't heard a peep since . I 'm not trying to blame the new meds on the meltdown . . . . yet . I mean , I had only had one pill . I do know from other people who have taken it that headaches are a common side effect , but I need to hold out judgement on the meltdown . Could be PMS , it is that time . I was loading the dishwasher and had 2 spoons . I knew there were no spoons in the drawer , and all I found in the kitchen to wash were 2 spoons . TWO . I asked the girls to look around for spoons because obviously they have somehow scattered spoons across the house and they were all like " meh , whatever . " and all of a sudden I felt like I was on a tight rope and there was no way I could balance on it . I was going to fall one way or another . On one side was anger . Really ugly anger . On the other side was crying . Stupid , unreasonable crying . These stupid spoons were tipping me over and I needed to choose while I had the ability to choose , so I chose crying . I cried over the fact that we only have two spoons and my kids couldn 't care less . I stayed in my room for a while until I could straighten myself up . I got the kids to go to bed , where they sent me back over the edge again and I went back to my room . I came back out and they were in their rooms and I went to the living room . I have a table by my recliner where I keep my crochet projects . There 's a little basket that had my alpaca yarn in it and the girls had knocked it over . I started picking up the yarn and couldn 't find the green yarn . It just hurt my feelings so badly that they would knock over this basket and lose my alpaca yarn that was a gift that I just sat down right in the middle of the floor and sobbed . It seems so unreasonable to me now . . . . . it always does after the fact . Isabelle wasn 't asleep , and she came out and sat next to me , rubbing my back and hugging me . I worked really hard to stop . I don 't like my kids seeing me like that . I really don 't and that 's why I 'm trying to hard to get better . It kills me . But I don 't know what to do . So , I 'm hoping this drug helps . And I 'm hoping my therapist calls me back soon . Because I feel a little tangled up in my jump rope right about now . It 's been almost a month since I started making and leaving my Random Balls of Happiness . I honestly had no intention to make this a " thing " when I started . It was just something to do to bring something positive into an otherwise dismal day for me . But a few people asked me to send them one . And I didn 't want to just send them one , I wanted to send them extra , to leave about themselves . I 've sent out 3 boxes of 6 to my sister in S . Carolina , a friend in Chicago , and Bill 's cousin in upstate NY . I still have 4 more people waiting on their own boxes . My sister suggested I tag them with a hashtag to see if I could " track " them . So I have put # randomballofhappiness on all of them since my initial batch and shortly after that , set up an Instagram account for them @ randomballofhappiness . I searched and searched for the hashtag on Instagram and Twitter , but didn 't see anything . That 's OK , because I was really happy doing it regardless . Then , this past Thursday , the girls grabbed a ball each while we went out to run errands . Zoe left her ball at the library and one of the librarians uploaded the picture to Instagram . I was so excited ! I knew for certain that someone had found it ! And then Sunday the girls and I had a little picnic by the river and they left one on a tree in front of where we parked . Shortly after we left , I got an Instagram notice that @ randomballofhappiness had been tagged in a post . Someone found the ball ! This has been so much fun , you guys ! I 've even had my sister - in - law and one of you dear readers offer to make some to spread even more happiness . It makes me feel so good to know that something I 've done makes someone else happy . I 've lost count of how many I 've made so far . . . and I don 't intend to stop any time soon . I 'll just keep making my little happy balls as long as they bring me joy . Last May , I started working on an afghan called Versailles Matelasse . I really loved working on it and made really quick progress . . . . until I lost my crochet mojo in the summer . It sat for months and months untouched . Then , earlier this year , I picked it back up and finished all the main work on it . Then it sat for a while with the ends unweaved . I 'm normally pretty good about weaving in ends as I go because I hate to sit and weave in ends for hours . But I didn 't do that , and I had other things to keep me occupied . So it sat next to my chair 99 % finished . I even used it a couple of times in the early morning to warm up , although it 's not a very cuddly kind of blanket . My Mom 's birthday was Saturday and I was thinking about what to get her when I remembered the afghan . It was perfect . She 's always sitting under a blanket , it was a color she 'd like , and it 's something I really poured myself into , even if I didn 't make it with her in mind specifically . I always knew I 'd give it away , I just didn 't know who it was meant for at the time . Anyway , once I decided to give it to her , I had to sit down and weave in all the ends . And wash it to try to soften it up a bit . I made it with some yarn that had been given to me and it was very old and very scratchy . It did soften up a little , but I 'm still not sure it 'll be much more than decoration . Like I said , it 's not a very snuggly blanket . She even put up the blanket she usually has by her chair , although I should tell her it won 't hurt my feelings at all if she doesn 't use this one to keep warm . The patch of yellow flowers my girls are standing in has a bit of a funny story . Our entire back yard was covered in the pretty flowers and I hated that Mr . Bill was going to mow it down , but it was pretty long . As he was mowing , he noticed that one area had dozens of bees buzzing around , so he decided he wouldn 't mow there right now . He didn 't want to take away all their food . He 's a good guy like that . So we have a good little patch of yellow left in the yard for the bees . He even marked it . . . . I adore honeysuckle . I think it 's the BEST smell in the world . I just wanted to stand in this one spot where it was really strong and just breathe it in as long as possible . A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock ( @ justjennifer75 ) on Apr 24 , 2016 at 5 : 39am PDT It 's been a good week , mood - wise . I 'm trying to just take it one day at a time and be grateful for the good days and hang on through the bad ones . But I 've felt more positive than negative this past week and that 's a good change . It 's been tough lately . My health , mental and physical , haven 't been good and I hate it . I 'm just so fatigued all the time . Like yesterday , I was struggling to stay awake driving home after picking the girls up from school . I went straight to my room and face - planted on the bed . I was out cold for almost 2 hours . I keep being told " you need to get outside , you need to be active , you 'll feel better ! " I 'm sure I would . It 's just difficult to make it that far most days . And they were neither . I anticipated having to somehow scrape up $ 360 , and only had to pay $ 10 . We worked together and I think in the next few weeks I 'll be seeing a drastic improvement in how I 'm feeling . I think the old " what goes around comes around " might be coming back around for me at the moment . I 'll keep throwing the happy out there to be sure ; ) My mood lifted a bit on Tuesday . No particular reason , I just realized later in the day that I felt OK . Wednesday , I had my appointment with my therapist . She didn 't really tell me anything I didn 't know , but it 's nice to have the validations . I have way too much on my plate and I need to make Bill and the girls help me more . I need to make sure to take care of myself and take time for myself - and not just the scraps of time at the end of the day . She thinks hormones might be playing a big part in my depression , but that I 'll talk to the psychologist more about that to try to figure out better meds for me . After my appointment I went to get my new dogwood tree . I made sure it looked really healthy and strong . It was tall and even had blooms on it . I took it home and had it in the ground in no time . For some reason I still haven 't taken a picture since planting it , but this was before I took it home : My brain started whirring throughout the afternoon . I felt like I needed to do something for the anniversary of my father 's passing the next day . I was 't sure what , but just something . I had planned to take the day off of work and knew I 'd spend part of the day with my Mom and little sister , but I thought I needed to do something tangible . The idea developed throughout the afternoon and after dinner , I grabbed the girls and headed to Hobby Lobby . Random Balls of Happiness . The shirt they 're sitting in was a very old shirt of my Dad 's . I used to wear it every day in high school ( telling my age , it was grunge style , around my waist LOL ) . I was able to crank 5 of them out . I actually was tempted to stay up all night making them , but I knew that would be a bad idea . So I finally stopped around midnight , took some melatonin and crashed . After that , I ran home to shower and get ready to go have lunch with my Mom and sister . We had a really good time visiting and had lunch at a steak house . It was yummy and the waitress was the sweetest . I left one of the Balls on the table . It felt really , really good . It totally made the day so much easier than I thought it would be . Of course , in a lot of situations like this , the anticipation of the day is really so much worse than the actual day . I had a really good day , but the week leading up to it was filled with tons of tears . I had some friends and my older sister ask if I 'd send them a Ball of Happiness , so I think I am going to box of 5 or 6 to send to them , one to keep , the rest to give away . Keep spreading the happiness . = ) Thursday will be one year since my father passed . I 'm not going to lie . I 'm having an incredibly hard time right now . I could put " with it " in that sentence , but it 's not just the anniversary approaching . My head isn 't in a good place and I feel like I 'm spinning my wheels in any attempt to fix it . I saw a therapist 2 weeks ago . It was just an intake session , so I spent the entire time just answering questions like " do you eat your hair ? " It 's expensive at the moment ( until I meet my deductible ) so I am planning on going every 2 weeks because that 's how fast the necessary money gets in my health savings account . I had an appointment yesterday , which I was kind of really counting on . I spent all weekend thinking " maybe , just MAYBE , she 'll give me some hope that I can cope with this bullshit . " And she called to reschedule . I was on the verge of tears . I rescheduled it for tomorrow . But now I 'm not so confident that it will help . So , Friday I had an appointment to get my hair cut . It had finally grown out from my short pixie cut two years ago that I hated , so - OF COURSE - I felt the need to chop it all off again . I found a cut that I adored and was in a fabulous mood . When I left , my husband was outside with the girls . The girls were upset because he was mad for whatever reason . He just looked at my hair funny , didn 't really say much . But over the next 2 days , he would tell me that it made me look like a lesbian and that he 'd be ashamed to leave the house if it were his hair . Oh , yes , OF COURSE he 's joking . So my haircut I was so in love with , I now felt awful about . Thank you , dear . Saturday was just crap . The girls were just defiant over everything and Bill literally cannot deal with that constructively , so it was screaming from all of them ALL DAY LONG . In a moment of peace between them , Bill was doing yard work and let Zoe ride in the lawn cart . She stood up and he didn 't notice , and she ended up taking a tumble and spraining her shoulder . So there was more crying and yelling ( because when Bill feels at fault about something , he lashes out at people - he can 't possibly take the blame gracefully ) All this carried over to Sunday . We usually go over to my Mom 's house on Sundays for a few hours , but she called and said she didn 't feel well and asked us to stay home . So no reprieve there . The girls were just awful . Threatening to run away , demanding - DEMANDING ? - I give them money or take them out to eat or this or that . Then I went to deal with the laundry and stepped in dog poo . I lost it . I screamed at them . Realized I sounded like Bill and just went to lock myself in my bedroom . I cried . I read on Facebook that my Mom felt well enough to go to some social thing at the apartment complex , which I should have been grateful for , but instead I took it that she just didn 't want to see me . I cried . I thought about how I asked Bill to go pick up a dogwood tree at Lowe 's for me so I could replace the one that I planted last year in memory of my father that didn 't survive the dry summer - and how he didn 't and he KNEW why I needed him to do it and still didn 't . And I got angry . I thought of what an ass he had been over my hair and I was just in a rage . I 'm not bald . It actually doesn 't look all that different in the front , although I 'm sure the back is a mess but I can 't really tell because I don 't have a handheld mirror . I tried checking it with my phone , but I just really can 't get a good picture . I realized after that I kinda have a mohawk now . Everyone has said it 's cute , but I 'm not entirely convinced it has been genuine . And I can 't bring myself to care . So , that was my little breakdown moment . I cried so much that I felt like a mess yesterday . I still just feel raw . Everything sets me off wanting to cry . I literally feel like I 'm truly alone right now . While part of me is still trying to tell myself that I 'm overreacting and being dramatic , I can 't help that I feel like no one wants to be around me . I don 't really have any friends , a point that has stung quite a bit lately because my doctor and therapist both asked if there was someone I could talk to and I have to say there isn 't . " No one at all ? " No . No one at all . I feel like I 'm failing as a mother because my children are acting so awful lately . My husband makes me feel like I 'm just there to cook , clean , and serve his penis . I just want to run away . I 'm right back where I was in December , begging my doctor for something to help . And it 's not helping anymore . And now he 's gone and my therapist might be a flake and I can 't get in to see the psychiatrist about meds until May . I 'm going to dig it up today . I 'm going to find time to go get a new tree , even if I have to perform some sort of magic to fit it in the minivan . I 'm going to plant that tree so that I have a new one by Thursday . I 'll go to therapy on Wednesday and she 'll have magical advice . And I 'll be OK . I told myself when I finally got my crochet mojo back that I wasn 't going to overload myself with projects . I was going to go from project to project , I had a big project in mind that I was excited to get started with once I was finished with some long - neglected things . No deadlines , just relaxing work . I loved making that frog . So I wanted to make some similar stuffed animals for the girls for Easter . I had 3 weeks , plenty of time . A photo posted by Jennifer Pollock ( @ justjennifer75 ) on Mar 10 , 2016 at 7 : 46pm PST I started on Zoe 's Fatty Lumpkin the Brave ( he 's a horse , with a fantastic name ) . I can work on the flowers with the girls around , but I can 't do assembly , so I have both going on . I 'm also making Olivia a Fatty Lumpkin , but with wings , because she 's into Pegasuses . Then Ms . Norma asked my Mom if I would make another frog to sell her . I said , sure , as long as it could wait until after Easter . A friend mentioned wanting a turtle . I never committed to doing it , but I really would like to . A coworker who is always asking me to make her something or other finally wore me down and wants not one , but two mermaid tail blankets . She really wanted them before Easter , but I told her there was no way , not even if I wasn 't working on things that needed to be done before them . I 've really never had any desire to make one of these , let alone 2 , or the 3 my kids will be begging for afterwards . Isabelle wants me to make the We Bare Bears ( If you haven 't seen that cartoon , you HAVE to watch it - Cartoon Network . It cracks me up ) for her birthday next month . I had wanted to make her a fusion blanket ( fabric and crochet ) for her birthday , but I don 't think I could finish in time anyway , but it 's also on the list because I actually did buy the fabric . And my sister sent me this box of awesomeness that I can only stare at for the next few months before I can make myself something . The blue and green are alpaca . They 're payment for making her a cowl earlier this year . I only asked for the reddish yarn , the alpaca yarn is a tip I guess . = ) I work in an outpatient surgery clinic that is attached to a hospital . Usually , if I have to use the restroom , I go down the hall to the public restroom at the hospital . Not because we don 't have one , but because ours is occupied 75 % of the time I want to use it . That 's never a problem in the hospital . But , there 's obviously a down side to using a public restroom . I 'm an introvert . Very much so . I am not going to initiate conversation with someone I know , let alone a stranger . Especially a stranger in the bathroom . But , some people are different and don 't feel the need for such boundaries . So , the other day , I run down to the restroom . There is a lady in front of the mirror . I breeze past her and go into a stall . I take care of business and then I hear : " Are you a nurse in the emergency room ? I wear scrubs to work . I don 't know why the office staff wears scrubs , but we do . I was sure this lady was talking to me because the restroom had been empty except for the 2 of us when I came in and I hadn 't heard the door open since . She started telling me that she just found out that she has fibroid tumors and that she was really afraid because she doesn 't know anything about them . I listened to her because I felt bad for her . She was obviously really anxious and had been crying . I hoped lending an ear would make her feel a little better , even if it made me feel uncomfortable . I try to be a compassionate person sometimes . She continued on , telling me about all the various medical conditions in her family . She sounded stranger and stranger by the minute . She started talking about her granddaughter . How her granddaughter was taken away by the state . . . . I was dying to leave . We were past the comforting and into seriously personal stuff now . Way out of my comfort zone . And , to be honest , she wasn 't sounding very stable . I listened to her anxiety turned paranoia turned conspiracy for about half an hour . No exaggeration . When she angrily told me how the judge who was sneaking booze into his coffee during the hearing gave her biracial grandchild to racists who probably just beat her , I decided I really needed to get out of there . I told her I had to get back to work . She hugged me . I 'm so not a hugger , but I hugged her back . But then she kept talking . As I kept stepping back , trying to get away . She was ranting about the injustice of the child protective services . How they take kids from their living families to sell to other families . I 'm not trying to be callous to her situation . Really . But it sounded like that poor child is most likely in a far better situation judging by things she said and how she was acting herself . I finally actually broke away and got back to my desk . Everyone was wondering what had happened . I told them I had honestly hoped one of them would have come looking for me . They assured me next time they would . This is the longest week ever . You 'd think I had something exciting on the horizon to make the days drag , but no . I 'm just really tired this week . I had a message the other day that my doctor appointment in April needed to be rescheduled . So I called yesterday and was informed that my primary care doctor is leaving the practice at the end of this month . I 'm so sad . I love my doctor . He listens to me and doesn 't make me feel like a loser for not being perfect . I went ahead and made an appointment with the other doctor in the practice . I 'm really hoping she 'll be as good . One thing my doctor and I had talked about when he put me on antidepressants was going to therapy . I put off making an appointment because my insurance was changing and I didn 't have mental health benefits with my old policy . I do now , but I felt so much better that I just didn 't do it . I 'm thinking about it now though . My meds are working , I 'm no where near where I was , but I think now that my body is used to them , they 're not quite enough . I just can 't summon up the drive to get things done . I 'm just BLAH . I just skate by doing the minimum . But my biggest problem is that I want to binge eat all the time . And if I try to just not have anything in the house , it makes me anxious all night . So I 'm thinking I should make that appointment now and see if they can help me to deal with all this without adjusting my meds . I need to have some drive to do something other than sit in the recliner and crochet while I listen to an audiobook . It 's a Versailles Matelasse afghan . Matelasse are whole cloth quilts where the focus is more on the quilting of the fabric , where as most traditional quilts are all about the designing of different pieces of fabric . I found an ebook of crocheted afghans inspired by this type of quilt and I just think they are so beautiful . I just need to add the border and weave in my ends and I 'm finished . I started this last spring , I believe . I used some yarn that had been given to me , it 's not the best yarn . . . . pretty scratchy , but maybe I can soften it up in the laundry . Olivia has tried to claim it already . I think it 's too heavy to be used as a throw for the couch , but it 's too small for my bed , so I guess it would be fine for her bed . I 'm debating making a different matelasse pattern for my bedspread . I was planning on a different pattern , but now I 'm wavering . The dogs are still with us . I honestly don 't think anyone is going to step up to claim them . I guess we have two more dogs , then . Yippee . Sigh . You know how most people make some sort of conscious decision to get a pet ? Not us . Every one of our animals has just fallen into our laps . Isabelle gets off the school bus just a few minutes before I pull in the driveway after picking up her sisters . She 's often outside waiting on us ( begging to go do something other than stay at home all afternoon / evening ) . Monday , when we got home , it looked like she was searching for something . I thought at first maybe Ollie got out . I parked and headed over to see what she was doing . She said she saw two stray puppies and she was trying to get them to come over so she could see if they had tags . Then these two small dogs come bounding over , excited and playful . No tags . Of course . I took pictures of the dogs , posted on Facebook about them , reported them to the local lost and found pet organization . We tried to feed them , but they weren 't starving . They looked healthy , and they were extremely friendly . There was a black female and a brown and white male . The boy dog ran off again , and Isabelle tried for a while to get him to come back , but he got too far down the road . We took the girl dog inside . About an hour later , the boy dog came back and came in the house . People shared the dogs photos , but no one has come forward to claim them . I was really hoping someone would , and I still do . I don 't want or need 2 more pets . I can 't take them to the local shelter . We do have some no - kill shelters in the area , but even still , I would feel terrible . Black dogs are hard to adopt out , so I could be dooming her to God only knows how long in a cage in a shelter . And they seem to be a package deal . . . . they do not like to be apart . What are the odds of someone taking both of them ? Maybe I 'm just too soft . Obviously , the girls think we should keep the dogs . They 've already named them . Libby and Roscoe . I was hoping Bill would back me up on not keeping them . I mean , we have FIVE animals already . But he 's softer than I am . I do have to admit that they have not been a problem the two nights they 've been here . The boy dog runs off when we let them out , but he comes right back after an hour or so . The girl dog is perfectly content where she is . They 're calm . But seven animals ? Ugh . I don 't know what to do .

There was a dream where I was at a big fancy party . A and several people ( girls ) from school1 were there . I remember there were tables by the edge of an opening between floors ending in the first floor , where a rock band was playing . On the tables , laid out with white tablecloths , were different drinks . Glasses of wine , soda and water had been served for people to choose from . I looked around for something I 'd like to drink but found nothing . The soda was diet soda , so I didn 't take any . At some point , I sat next to Jamie Oliver , who asked a waitress for four little bottles of water . Later , some kind of commotion started with the band that had a crowd in the first floor running out . I had access to some picture showing that the lead guitarist for the band couldn 't have been both playing on stage and upstairs within a two minute span . I 'm not sure what else happened . In another dream , I was walking around a neighbourhood we lived in ( except we didn 't ) that looked a lot like school2 . My newly orphaned cousins were there and my already married cousin was only just about to get married . Except even in my dream she already had a daughter . I figured out she was trying to get something out of the whole thing to protect herself and her daughter . As we walked , she mentioned it was bad luck to step on red floor ( the floor was made almost entirely out of clay bricks ) . I said she could just float about like I was doing . Indeed , I was floating about 40cm from the ground , my legs bent at the knee and my feet crossed behind me . It came naturally to me , just leaning in the direction that I wanted to move in and letting the wind or whatever force kept me afloat and pushed me do the rest of the work . My cousin gave it a try but it failed . We all eventually got to an apartment where my newly married cousin , her husband , and my spoiled cousin were waiting for us . We greeted , and that 's all I remember . In yet another dream , possibly connected to the first one I mentioned , there was a large crowd in a field . Come to think of it , it looked like some kind of religious sect gathering , except I somehow knew that God was really there . It was getting dark , but there was plenty of artificial light . I remember there was a slope to the field we were in . At some point , God started tossing out lip balms ( of the kind I 've had for years ) of different flavours and I aimed to collect flavours I liked and didn 't have yet . For some reason , I also had a bag with some large bottle of some kind of shower gel and I figured I could maybe trade it later for something I wanted . I didn 't trade it . When it was all over , I had 3 - 4 new lip balms , there were two I wanted but didn 't get and there was one I got and didn 't want . So , as I walked out and noticed Jesus Christ himself at the exit , just next to a short flight of stairs , I stopped to ask him if there was any chance he 'd perform some kind of miracle to change the flavour of the one I didn 't like . He said no , so I offered he kept it instead and gave it to someone who did want it . In one of them , I was in the UK with my sister and I had money . I treated my sister to a tennis player outfit , a fairly fancy one , and she was supposed to attend a game wearing it . She was at this game on at least two days . On the first day , we 'd just arrived and she wore her regular clothes , for the second time she wore the outfit I 'd bought for her . As she tried it on , after having paid for it , we noticed a warning stitched to the lower part of the back . It read something along the lines of " people with cancer must not wear these . " And in my dream my sister had cancer . She wore the clothes anyway . Later on , I was with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber , who was some kind of doctor in my dream , trying to justify the clothes . I somehow knew that he 'd forgive me if I 'd done a particularly nice , disinterested gesture ( which to me pointed at the gift ) . Though he sort of agreed with this at first , he then asked why on Earth she 'd worn the clothes if she wasn 't supposed to . He argued these warnings are there for a reason and I couldn 't shake off responsibility for it . I felt miserable . In the last dream I remember , I was with my mum at a handicraft fair . At first we looked around for what was being sold and then I asked her if we had a stand of our own , which we did , so we headed over there and started setting up shop with my sister as some foreigners stared . Posted by At first , I noticed that much like in The Mentalist , they 're fond of strong female characters and I thought it was great . I appreciated the nice puns and good dialogues , especially in the first two seasons , and I liked the fact that they tried to keep it real ( or , as fas as I know , more real than CSI shows ) . I found myself rooting for the Castle - Beckett thing to work out . It made me anxious . I found myself watching episode after episode just waiting to get a fix of their relationship working out somehow . I was tempted to find similarities with EBF ( I have to admit there 's an undeniable physical resemblance and they do have very similar facial expressions ) . They finish each other 's sentences . They understand and know one another so well . It sort of fell into place and accounts for why everyone who knew us thought we were together or were bound to end up together . Except theirs was a real love interest and there was never such a thing between EBF and me . So . . . I turned to LesMisGuy because . . . I 'm not in my right mind . I played Castle and Beckett 's arguments trying to make them fit the situation going on with LesMisGuy . The way Castle was into her from day one , the way he waited , knowing he was making himself clear even before he said he loved her , the way it was " obvious " she cared about him too , the way she was too late to acknowledge any of it . It made me wonder . If I was right , LesMisGuy liked me before I had a chance to like him . But it wasn 't that obvious , as there was almost nothing to go on at the time . Then I fell for him , and though I 'm shy and I chickened out a lot , I would like to think I made myself clear asking him out . He said yes meaning no at first and I was broken , but I somehow found it in me to insist . Until we did go out . And then very little happened , but he showed interest and I did too , and after giving up again for a short while I gave it another try and we went out again . And we kissed . And it was glorious . But then he pretty much disappeared , even though I tried talking to him and tried asking him out again . I feel a bit like Castle and I end up worrying that maybe I didn 't insist enough . Maybe I didn 't wait long enough . Maybe I should have pushed the subject and waited for him to come round . And , you know , if it pans out like I think it might in the show . . . Beckett will have turned out to have just been horny , desperate and using Castle . I 'm not even sure where I was going with all this . Suppose there 's a parallel after all : then I should have insisted , but there were two possible outcomes ( either he and Beckett are serious , or the whole thing is just convenient ) . If there 's no parallel . . . that would be because we 're simply not that close and I 'm making this all up in my head . You know , that student of mine ? The one who dropped the subject ? He wrote again to let me know what professor he chose , how things are coming along and to let me know he hopes everything was coming along well on my side . It touched me . I mean to write , but I don 't know what to say . I wish I could talk to SmTn about it . Or anyone , really , but I get the feeling that SmTn would understand it better and I don 't think I remember telling anyone else . I also want to talk to SmTn about being terrified to leave . I 've talked about it briefly with A but it just doesn 't do a thing for me . I want to talk to AOB and ask him if he 'd like to meet but I have absolutely no money left and I 'd like to buy him dinner / lunch . I want to send SmTn a little present with my cousin before he leaves on Sunday but , again , I have no money . I 've noticed EBF on line for the first time in weeks over the last couple of days and . . . I don 't know what to say . Literally . I don 't know if I want to talk to him , so I don 't know if I should be writing about the possibility of talking to him . If I wanted to talk to him , I wouldn 't know what to say either . Do I tell him I 'll be gone come the first days of august ? Do I tell him to come over ? Do I tell my parents I want no reunion ? Do I even say goodbye ? How could I know if I want to say goodbye if I don 't know if I want to say anything at all ? That leaves . . . CtThumbe . She 'll be back before I leave . I should try talking to her , see how she 's doing . And yet . . . I feel like I can 't really talk about any of the things that I want to talk about . As it turns out , I can 't even bring myself to write about what 's on my mind lately . I just look forward to being numb so I can stop worrying quite so much when I 'm busy not thinking . 1 ) N1 and I were walking around a park at night . I pointed out it was dangerous . She said it wasn 't all that bad . We reached a building in particular where a lot of people had gathered at the reception . It looked like people were being held hostage and " people " included my family . The people holding them hostage included my cousins ' uncle , for some reason , and I was given to understand they were nazis . N1 and I just wanted to get out before we became hostages too , but I remember going to my cousins ' uncle and asking what was going on . He told me to run away and so we did . N1 and I ran even as the others caught on to the fact that we were there and started chasing us . N1 's dad was waiting for us right outside in a car , and we only just managed to get in . 2 ) I was in an apartment , high up , with other people . It was warm and there was a big balcony . Leading to the balcony were big sliding glass doors . I could hear something being off with one of them because of the way they rattled with the wind . We were supposed to keep them shut for protection . I looked out and noticed massive arrows ( about 1m long , with 5cm diameter rods ) passing by . The first arrows came straight at our floor , hitting the sliding doors . When the others noticed , the arrows ' angle changed and their number changed too . Suddenly , there were a lot of arrows being shot almost straight up , and the sight of the arrows turned into that of a huge fountain . The sight of the fountain seemed festive , and , next thing I knew , the whole thing took a parade - like tone to it , with birds / planes flying by dropping off confetti and loud noises to go with the whole thing . The night before those dreams , I had a dream that included my little one and I running around school1 . Except instead of it being mostly empty , aside from the classrooms , there was an old country house . She wasn 't always herself , too . Sometimes she looked like a white mutt . And at some point , her legs grew like those of the elephants ' in Dali 's paintings . Very odd . As for the dream I had last night , we had family over , including my spoiled cousin . I remember cracking a joke about how spoiled she is and my aunt calling me out on it , telling me not to be so mean . I felt miserable and just wanted to shrink down to invisibility . We were supposed to go out with other girls and buy groceries and I wanted to avoid having to go with them , so I just stalled around the house , finding things to do other than leave . Hello , dear blog . It 's been a while . It 's not even that I haven 't had the time to write , I 've done nothing the last couple of days to keep me from writing . I just haven 't been in the mood . To recap : 1 ) My cousin 's wedding . The ceremony itself was ( for my taste ) awful . We got a right wing old madman of a priest and I didn 't have a mind for most of what he said . He implied women have no purpose other than to have children , that men don 't quite become men unless they marry , that a married couple should share a bed and everyone should go to mass on Sunday no matter what . He 's the god - fearing sort of Christian and I don 't appreciate his way of drilling lessons across . This is all coming from the man who said there 's no valid reason to break up a marriage so . . . I 'm not surprised , but I 'm also very much not impressed . I otherwise survived the evening , though the same can 't quite be said for my feet . Goodness , even sitting down while wearing high heels can twist feet into the most uncomfortable positions . I 'm very glad it 's all over . 2 ) It got me scared shitless to go through with it , but I can now travel to go study . 3 ) I miss LesMisGuy like crazy ( literally , I 'm afraid ) . I keep wondering what it would have been like if we 'd been together all this time . I 've been watching Castle episodes and I stopped tow wonder if maybe I 'm to blame for not calling . I wish we could kiss ( and do a lot more than kiss ) . I still have short flashbacks of what it was like that night and I go on feeling stupid about it . Colour me pagan . Colour me panicked . Colour me hopeful . Colour me hopeless . Colour me mental . I 've been thinking about LesMisGuy a little too much today . And for no good reason , either . Want to know what started it ? I opened an old notebook , one where I kept a stack of cow - shaped post its . One of which I one gave to LesMisGuy and may or may not have read " bored ? " depending on whether or not he noticed ( and I think he did ) that I 'd written it and then erased it . Just looking at the silly post its made me feel so stupid , you know ? I ripped them out of my notebook and threw them under my bed . Every so often I 'll get a similar impulse of feeling so stupid for having fancied him so and I freeze and hate myself for a bit . When I see , read or hear anything that reminds me of him in anyway I stop to curse my stupidity . So . . . yes , on that front , I 'm a mess . On an unrelated subject , A had surgery today ( minor ) . She went online ( I daresay ) just to let me know she 'd be going under soon . I must admit I 'd forgotten it was due today . I didn 't dare call , so I just sent her a message and we texted a tiny bit . She said it was ok and she 'd even go out tonight . I made a joke about Wolverine and after she laughed at it that was that . That was that . On other news , it 's getting unbearable to live with my parents . My old man 's mood swings and constant fits of yelling , his conspiracy theories and the way all he ever talks about is how everyone is out to get him make me sick . I 'm sick and tired of it . He 's just not that good , but he blames it on a boss that 's too demanding . He doesn 't have money , and it 's not directly the fault of corrupt politicians ( he was doing fine before , you know ) or thieves anywhere , but he continues to blame everything on everyone else . He still can 't make progress and can 't seem to be able to handle money . I 've exhausted my earnings from teaching in university and teaching spoiled brats in wedding preparations , a father 's day present for him , groceries , and random bits and bobs that were necessary here and there . Mum said she even gave him some of the money she borrowed for him to pay a cab . The man has no money management skills . Where the fuck is he going to get the money for my sister 's tuition next semester ? He actually bought speakers for the car , even though the car 's not working properly and we haven 't paid for health insurance . Really ? A pair of bloody speakers before health insurance ? What is wrong with him ? It doesn 't get better with mum , though . She seems to have a complex where she tries to fix everything . She has fucked up friends , a fucked up husband , a somewhat fucked up family and she 's always trying to fix things . Even when she could be resting a bit she 's always frantic and wanting to find something to do . She seems to believe ( incorrectly ) that if the beds were done , if there were no dust on the furniture , if all the laundry was done , that everything will turn up , but it won 't . That 's just not the way the world works and it 's sad . She actually cut her finger the other day ( but we don 't have insurance , so she didn 't see a doctor ) . She 's been injuring herself quite a bit lately and part of me wonders if it 's not a call for attention . A fucked up one , of course , but when she 's hurt she gets an excuse to stop ( though she doesn 't ) and be tended to . It 's all fucked up , can you see it yet ? The worst part of it is , I keep thinking of how I have to get a job and start making money as soon as possible . I have to be able to send them money . I get lost thinking of all the things we need money for and it never ends . My parents ' debt at the bank ( which we 're no doubt still hiding from ) , my sister 's tuition , my student loans , the car , my grandmother , groceries , bills , gas , gardening , materials for my sister to work with . . . At first I thought I 'd send money to my mum to pay for my student loans and some extra to my sister , to do as she saw fit while making sure we could afford pertinent birthday and Christmas presents . But then I started wishing I had more money left over so they could pay for health insurance . And then I wished I had money to pay for my sister 's tuition . And to put my grandmother in a nursing home that she may stop being a burden . And I don 't think I 'll be making enough money to cover even my bills , you know ? Fuck . I 've already run out of money and I didn 't get to buy AOB dinner . I didn 't get to buy SmTn a birthday present to send with my cousin . There 's no way we can afford a damned going away party for me and I don 't want one . Thank goodness my aunt and uncle offered to pay for the visa expenses . And travel expenses . Actually , bless my aunt A . She called a few days ago and took the time to check in on me , ask how I was doing and try to tell me everything would be ok when I told her I was panicky . I have to stop now . Wouldn 't want my sister to catch me crying . Sharing a room blows . You know , a cousin 's son ( he must be 4 or 5 years old now ) was potty trained being asked if he 'd like to go to a pee pee party . And it sort of makes sense to tell kids it 's a fun thing to do ( not to mention how much fun it is for mums not to have to clean up the mess ) . Since it 's a " fun " activity where you pee , it makes sense to call it a pee pee party . I was hoping it would be not so unlike two years ago for the other wedding where we just went to a disco / restaurant and sat down and had a few drinks ( non - alcoholic for me ) and talked and my sister and I got to leave early . Not so . There was a reunion at some other girl 's place first and that 's when I panicked a little . There was a penis piñata , there were penis keychains that squirted if you pressed them , there were penis headbands , scantily clothed people on banners and balloons . . . and , have I mentioned a penis piñata ? Because it was shaped like a penis , but it was full of toys and confetti . The toys included plastic penis shafts , penis heads , nipples and vulvae on ice cream cones . Oh , and the most horrid abominations made out of Barbie sized buttocks on one side and close up vulvae on the other . I 'm quite glad it didn 't get quite as awkward as it could have , but I would have been gladder if none of it had happened . Once we made it to the place where we were planning to party , it got quite a bit more uncomfortable , and it had nothing to do with the fact that we had brought along the penis headbands . It had to do with the perverts ( mostly foreigners ) who kept gawking at us . There were also a quite a few kids just out of high school celebrating the fact that they were only just legally allowed in such places , which made them stand out as particularly ridiculous among grownups . . . but let 's go back to the sex tourists ( oh yes , I just did ) . I don 't condemn prostitution or promiscuity . I do condemn sexual objectification . I don 't have a mind for being stared at quite so rudely when we go out to have fun . Yes , I dressed up . Yes , I dolled up . No , you 're not allowed to look at me like I 'm a piece of meat . I realise some girls go out for just this purpose . Do realise that we don 't all go out with this purpose in mind . Even when we try to look pretty . So do understand when I tell you it pisses me off and I won 't tolerate such behaviour without judging your bad manners . You want to find someone to have sex with ? Well , I 'm sure they 're not that hard to find , so stop wasting time and get to it . Spare us from the " gawk while you wait " period . On an also scandalous ( to me ) subject , my cousin 's interview with the priest getting them married . I won 't go into details of how I think this particular marriage is doomed . I will just point out that the priest asked them for valid reasons why they would end the marriage and the only acceptable answer was " none . " I have a lot of issues with this because it opens the door to so much abuse . . . Goodness . How come cheating isn 't a valid reason ? How come any kind of violence isn 't a valid reason ? Whatever happened to doing what 's best for you ? If you fuck up and choose the wrong spouse , you should be allowed to back out of it before it bites you in the ass because the priest who married you sure as hell won 't protect you and I don 't fucking care what any god says : you put yourself , your safety and your sanI might know why I had a dream about SmTn last night : I kept thinking he 's one lovely foreigner . Bless him for it . I also kept thinking I half - wanted to run into LesMisGuy , but I 'll cut myself short right there . Oh dear , I 'm forgetting a bit too quickly because I can 't quite get my computer to run properly . . . I woke up from a very long dream including SmTn . In my dream he 'd come here and he 'd been here for quite a while already . He 'd seen me up and about the usual everyday chaos , including a trail of a mess left behind by my grandmother . He 'd joined me for different occasions . He 'd let me treat him to whatever I could think of . He intended to treat me and others to some kind of typical dish ( I thought of empanadas ) . I remember I offered to help him make them . I wanted to spend time with him . I wanted to be with him until he had to leave . I know my little one was around in my dreams about SmTn . I intended to show her to him and say " I know I said she was dead , but here she is ! " . Posted by I had a very long and persistent dream last night about a creature who kept showing up everywhere and killing people . I associated all signs of danger to the colour yellow . The creature looked like a wookiee and behaved like a zombie , sometimes being attributed special powers to chase people . The first victim I remember hearing of who was somehow close to me was my religion teacher from school1 . It was her husband who did the rounds going from classroom to classroom , preaching as he told people of her death . It was explained that she lived where the creature had last been seen , a poor neighbourhood in Ctg . Next thing I know , I 'm running up and down a tall building and so is everyone else . We were all looking for a safe place to be in . I ended up with my sister and the Jewish girl from school1 . She said she knew someone in the building , some rich old people who would keep us safe , and so we took the elevator , helped a woman in crutches get out at another floor before us , and knocked the door . When the door was opened , there was no furniture to be seen . In the living room there was just a big mattress on the floor , and three people ( two men , one woman in between ) lying on it , diagonally . I said hello after the other girl , but couldn 't find a way to greet the woman , so I sort of skipped her and then felt rude for what was left of our time talking to them . The two on the left were a couple , I 'm not sure if the third was involved with them . After a while , two men walked in and took their leave to go to one of the empty rooms a little further back to have sex ( it was implied : I was a little confused by all this ) . As they walked in , I realised that the front door wasn 't locked . In fact , it wasn 't even closed . So I ran to close it . As I did , and as I was about to finish closing it , I suddenly felt something pushing against me from the other side . I asked for help but none came . The others didn 't seem to care . I somehow managed to close the door , though there was no way to barricade it then and there and I started thinking of escape routes . I figured that , since we were on a 6th floor at least , if I ran into a room with a window and got cornered , I would rather jump off the window and have my sister follow than be killed by the creature . As I took a chance to run to one of the back rooms and waited for my sister , who didn 't come , I thought about all this . It will seem strange , then , that this room was a floor above the entrance and was at sea level . As I locked myself in and made sure no one could get to me , I closed two sets of doors , one with a big metal bar running from side to side and locking in at the door . After that , I checked the window , which opened at a pier . There were plants just outside the window by the doors I 'd just closed , and I was afraid it would run in to the rest of the room , making the doors useless . It did . I did what I could to rearrange the plants , knowing the creature would have no problem stepping on cacti and / or moving them around but it was all I could do . In an earlier dream , my uncle had invited us all to an apartment he had in Ctg , big enough to house all of his family and us on the side . I walked around not sure of which beds to choose for my sister and I , wondering what their beds were . Apparently , my uncle owned the whole building and leased it to others . A man staying in another apartment had jumped out a window and the window was left out , in the middle of the way , without any glass on it . It 's odd how no one seemed to care that a man had committed suicide and were rather just annoyed by the fact that this huge window was now in the middle of the way . Before I forget . . . There 's one thing I forgot to mention : last night , before falling asleep , I had the oddest thought of LesMisGuy crying and it persisted for a while . It got me all kinds of worried . The one constant in the dreams I remember from last night , is constant moving around from one place to the other . Yes , I realise that 's one shitty title . In no particular order . . . There was a dream with my little one and I walking around a park . When I introduced her to someone curious I explained she was a samoyed mix ( and she was , in fact much like a smaller than usual samoyed ) . There was a dream where I was with someone who was supposed to be in my German class , buying something at a store . It might have been Mt , or someone who reminded me of him . I think he wanted to buy me something to eat . There was a dream with the guy from my Russian literature class . He was preparing the stage for some kind of play and I decided to help out at the last minute for one of the shows , which had me staying very late in university . I can 't remember any of it but the show was supposed to have been epic . There was a dream where I was Christine Daaé . Sometimes I sought the Phantom out , going where I knew I 'd find him . Sometimes I ran away from him . Very odd dream . In my dream , the Phantom wore no mask and parts of his face were a very dark shade of purple . I had a dream last night about SmTn . He 'd written an e - mail telling me how he 'd met his wife ( meaning , he 'd gotten married by then ) . Apparently , said e - mail was supposed to be very much like an e - mail I 'd sent him from Las Vegas . Later on , in another dream , perhaps , he 'd come over . We met with other people from university and I remember telling him to meet me for lunch , but come the time for lunch Tz was there and wanted me to have lunch with her and other girls from school1 . I explained I didn 't want to leave SmTn out , so she arranged so he could sit on the table we were sitting at , next to me . There 's yet another " scene " with SmTn , one where I went to the place where he lived and met his mum and wife ( ? ) . I remember sitting on a couch with both of them while SmTn scooped ice cream for all of us . I also remember " helping around the house " and getting distinct looks from the wife because I did things she had already done all over again " doing them right " and she ( of course ) resented it . There was a dream about LesMisGuy but I completely forgot what it was . There was a dream about my little one where I introduced her to some woman and her child . I presented her as the sweetest thing ever ( which she was ) . Posted by I turned on the television while I fixed ( or attempted to fix ) bugs with my computer 's antivirus and realised The Return of the King was on , so I stayed awake to watch it . Aragorn 's coronation and meeting with Arwen made me cry . I also realised I was righter than I would have imagined when I first thought SmTn was similar to Sam . As a last note , I just wanted to say : A just left . She left me a message yesterday asking if I wanted to go out with her tonight , and I felt bad saying " NO " so I said we could meet , except could we make it here and maybe watch The Phantom of the Opera because I don 't really have a lot of money . She said she 'd come over . To be very honest , I was playing Final Fantasy XII and feeling rather nappy and lazy and I was hoping she wouldn 't really come over , but in the end she did . We organised dinner ( read : I made us , A , my sister and I , pasta ) . We talked over dinner . When dinner was over , I offered her some cookies a friend of my sister 's had made for us all . She 'd left a bag with maybe 7 - 10 medium cookies and both my sister and I had one after lunch . A took one and asked if my sister and I would be eating any but we declined having eaten some before . I picked up the plates , left them on the sink and went back to the table . We kept on talking and A slowly broke off more bits of cookies and kept on eating while we talked . I offered to go watch the film , but she refused arguing it would be too late by the time she left , so we just kept on talking and she kept on eating . She ate the whole lot of them . She left nothing . When I noticed there were few cookies left I found myself thinking You fucking pig . But I couldn 't stop myself and she wouldn 't stop eating and I couldn 't stop her ( that would be rude ) . So I said nothing and when she was done eating them all ( sometimes I think she took it as a challenge ) she pointed out Oh , look . I ate all the cookies . I tried to act surprised and stated the obvious Huh . You did . I 'm a little mad , you know ? They weren 't even mine . They were a gift from my sister 's friend , to all of us and A ate them all . They were not small . She just broke them off and pretended to be taking only little bits at a time like I wouldn 't be able to tell that the whole thing was being eaten or something . I don 't know . . . I suppose I could care less if they were just packaged chips , but they were baked by my sister 's friend and weren 't even mine alonelinaThumbe I had an awful nightmare last night where I was driving around with my mum and my sister in the car and we noticed cars slowing down to dodge some kind of accident . As we drove by , it turned out to be a horse carriage . The horse was on the floor , all legs spread out , it 's face in ( not on ) the pavement . The man driving the carriage was desperately trying to pull the horse out of the way . It occurred to me as I saw just enough to know I had to turn away that the horse had to be dead , with its head bashed in against the pavement like that and all . I was reminded of Rodya Raskolnikov 's dream about the mare who was killed by drunk men wanting her to pull on a very heavy carriage . It may or may not be related to some idiotic woman I saw on the public transportation yesterday . She had a cat in a black trash plastic bag and shook the bag around to make the cat quiet ( yeah , that 'll do it ) . The idiocy ! How can people be so cruel to animals ? And she was wearing a jacket of some department of the mayor 's office . Goodness . . . Either way , last night 's dream about the poor horse had me wake up frantic and quite desperately needing a hug . It 's at times like this when I wish I had someone to sleep with . I had a dream last night where I had died but still got to talk to my sister . I was incredibly sad about having died and I remember telling her " when I wake up every morning I 'm still dead . " So there 's that . . . Posted by I 've got the song stuck in my head and I can 't get it out . Imagine who I can 't get out of my head either . I don 't think the two are related , but I 'm not 100 % sure . . . I was just " out " checking out YouTube videos . That would be make up tutorials , for the most part , and that often enough leads me to the most wonderful and often flamboyant gay young men . I took a quick look at the comments and some of them were bad enough that I felt the need to come here and hide from all the hate that 's not even directed at me to begin with . There is so much widespread ignorance , so much widespread unreasonable hate and there are so many fake pretences of understanding . . . It sort of made me a little sick . " Why don 't you just snip it off and get it over with ? " No , really . Do try and explain . Why do you sit through the videos if you hate the person doing them so much ? Why do you feel a compelling need to spread the hate ? No one 's forcing you to watch , no one 's forcing you to love . Why is it so wrong to be feminine ? And yes , I 'll come back to a point I made in another post : it 's as if being a woman were altogether so wrong it 's insulting to be anything like " what a woman is supposed to be . " Who said loving people of a certain gender somehow changes your own gender ? Who said your gender is necessarily tied to the set of body parts you were born with ? Why would anyone need to shove stupid beliefs about either of the above down anyone 's throats ? Don 't you dare tell me that the existence of fabulous ( read : " frowned upon by your particular set of narrowminded beliefs " ) people is an attack to you . Don 't you dare defend your violence and abuse as self - defence . Look the other fucking way . Live and let live . Be happy and let others be happy . Whatever fucked up upbringing makes you miserable needs not spread to others who are doing just fine being themselves . It will sound a little odd to say , I hadn 't realised how important it is for a member of the LGBT community to " come out . " I mean , I do know it 's a huge deal in terms of accepting who you are and allowing yourself to be that person around others . I hadn 't quite grasped at how you often end up " asking for permission " to be who you are because so many would still consider it " wrong . " If you ask the wrong person , your punishment is living hell in the forms of all the abuse people will feel entitled to put you through , and I keep going back to this interview they did of Kate Winslet where she spoke of a conversation she had with her son . . . - Would you rather I like boys or girls , darling ? Regardless of how unspeakably cute this question was coming from a little boy , or how sweet Kate Winslet was in expressing joyous astonishment at the fact that he even knew he had options , it all boils down to the fact that he was asking for acceptance . And the worst part of it is , no matter how many people accept you for who you are , so many still refuse to allow it and I cannot , for the life of me , understand why . " I 'm all for gay people , just not for gay marriage . " Whyever not , pray ? Have you heard of civil unions ? Have you nitpicked so much through whatever book you 're using as guidance and made it mean whatever you wanted it to so that such a loving God would keep so many of his own away from true happiness ? Does such a meaning even make sense ? Any good translator would know to make individual sentences make sense within context . All gods I know of are loving and I 'm sure in the big scheme of things none of them would deny the way certain people were made . No loving god would wish ill on his own . Why would anyone else following this god 's rules ? Why would a whole state follow any given god 's rules ? Aren 't we over this yet , the separation of church and government ? Why can 't we agree that the first has no business trying to meddle in affairs of the latter ? Why can 't we agree that you just can 't tell others who to be ? Again , for those of you tempted to confuse what , to you , are similar evils , don 't you dare compare fabulousness to twisted evil of the likes of paedophilia . Don 't tell me you got lost in semantics because I 'll make it clear for you : paedophiles abuse children . Lesbians are women who love women . Gay men love men . Bisexual people love men and women . Transgendered and transexual individuals need more work than most to adjust who they are to what was given them . Same goes for those in the indeterminate category and I 'm sorry if I 'm leaving anyone out but it won 't change my point . It 's abuse that 's wrong , and there 's none going on in what I just described . The fact that some paedophiles happen to be members of the LGBT community just goes to show that paedophilia is an independent trait . It 's abuse that 's wrong , I remind you , and that includes the abuse you put LGBT people through . So , here 's to you , world : I had a very odd dream last night . I was in university with CtW and others and we were having lunch . CtW didn 't have money to buy lunch so I offered to lend her some so she 'd eat . She refused , so I told her I 'd leave half of my sandwich for her and she agreed . I completely forgot about it until I had only two or three bites left , so I made up my mind to go buy her another sandwich at a food court . While I waited in line , just as it was almost my turn , some girl ran behind me and hugged me and held me tight . I have no memory of how exactly this went on but I 'm given to understand I cracked under pressure and confessed to all those around me that I 'd had an abortion , which the girl felt deserved a hug and some form of congratulation . To be honest , I can 't even figure out whose baby it was to begin with or how I managed to do it quite so nonchalantly . I 've no idea if I 've brought up the subject before : I 'm pro - choice , and my choice would be not to have an abortion . It 's none of my business what other women do with their bodies , and I reckon they have a right to do what they will within reason . Many times it 's reasonable to give up pregnancy , and it 's more reasonable still to realise this while the " baby " at hand is no more than a bundle of cells without the proper organisation required to make it human . Me ? I couldn 't do it . I 'm far too inclined to blame everything on myself and I 'd feel a need to live up to having had intercourse along with any and all consequences . Parentheses over . I don 't know how I managed to do it in my dream though . It just struck me as odd that I 'd done it without any major consideration , and without even mentioning it to the father . In another dream I was also at some kind of mall waiting in line to buy ice cream or some other dessert . A guy from university , one that CtThumbe had a crush on not that long ago , had apparently grown overly fond of me . So he started hugging me and holding me in the sweetest way and all I could think of was how little I liked him back and how unfair it all was . I think I ended up giving in and deciding to give him a chance but it was all so strange . . . I 'm a bit too glad I made it all the way to this moment in time and it 's not because I 've finally finished all the requirements to be a mathematician ( minor technical problem with a document which will be resolved some time next week , I hope ) . I made it out of a week of family reunions and non - stop working . I taught physics to the daughter of my mum 's acquaintance . I assisted my uncle and my father while they taught . I cooked so much . I helped direct a kitchen . I cleaned . I organised . And I still had time left to do my nails , hair and make up for appropriate occasions . Quite the last couple of days , eh ? 3 ) I arrived from last night 's family reunion sometime around 1 - 2am . I turned on my computer , and checked messenger out of curiosity and noticed EBF was online . I went online and immediately afterwards he went offline . All I could think then and there was Je n ' ai rien à dire ! Je ne voulais rien te racconter ! I wasn 't even going to start a conversation , motherfucker ! And I half - realised I might have because I did have a kicker of a starting line : I was so tired I didn 't remember what colour my toothbrush is and was afraid to brush my teeth when we got back . What was the last time you forgot the colour of an item you use every day at least 2 - 3 times a day ? Beat the egg whites with the sugar and cream of tartar until they 're very firm . Sift the almond flour and confectioner 's sugar and quickly fold into the meringue . Use a round pipe to make small circles , tap down all peaks with slightly wet hands and pop in the oven at 150ºC for 20min or until they 're ready . Not so hard , eh ? Well , how about if we add the fact that I made my very own almond flour ? I poured boiling water on the almonds , let them sit , poured out the water , added new ice cold water , peeled the almonds , dried them , blitzed them in the blender and then sifted the remains to get only the finest powder . Either way , the macarones are very rewarding . I 'm looking forward to filling them with blackberries and white chocolate ganache . Given I dyed them a warm shade of yellow , they should look lovely with blackberries . . . Posted by In the first dream about him I was in university watching him defend his thesis . I just happened to be in the classroom and it would have been weird to leave , but I was pretty much the only person there until another two girls , friends of his , came over . One of them sat next to me and seemed to know who I was . She talked to me and explained LesMisGuy really liked me but was playing dumb and playing around a little , going out with other girls but doing no more than kiss them . She said he really wanted to be with me and I distinctly remember asking " are you kidding me ? ! " And the third one I just woke up to . He 'd had to stay the night here , and my mum and I prepared breakfast for him and me . I never saw him eat , though . I remember he was looking for something and my mum asked if he 'd found it , I believe he had . He waited for me to get my breakfast ready ( steamed vegetables with a dollop of cream cheese , some white rice and a turkey leg ) and waited for me by the kitchen door until I sat at the table . He sat across from me and worked on his computer . He was working on the presentation to defend his thesis with and for whatever reason , I ended up helping him ( " If you already have a . tex file , what you want to do is use the beamer class . . . it will do most of the work for you " ) . I sat down next to him and moved my plate so I could go on eating . He had a presentation with red flubber - like beings and asked if I knew how to make those animated in . tex code . I said I could come up with the drawings but knew nothing of how to animate them , that he 's the one with the background in programming . I 'm not too sure how one thing led to another then and there , but next thing I know I was sitting next to him with my head on his shoulder and his head resting on mine and it felt so good . . . Then he turned to talk to me and said maybe we should go out for a drink again and try to " get it right " this time , so the cocktails would have the right effect on me or something along those lines . I started saying " but I thought you wanted nothing to do with me . . . " and he clearly did , except I don 't know what happened and couldn 't know because that 's when my alarm ( which to be honest was set up a tiiiny bit too early ) rang and I woke up . We could have kissed in that last dream and I 'm resenting my alarm more than a little for it . It was a LesMisGuy themed night with dreams about him everywhere and they would have culminated with a kiss if it weren 't for the stupid alarm . You know how pretty much everything 's been shitty lately ? You wouldn 't know the full extent of it because I 've failed to keep track of it in the blog , but believe me : it 's shitty out there . My parents ' friends are sick . A 's grandparents are sick . My newly orphaned cousins are up to their necks in debt . My aunt A needs a medical procedure done . Ask around , it 's shitty enough . I made it to university yesterday morning to try and score an opening to present my topology project and guess what ? I was just in time to hear our professor got in a car crash and had to cancel all appointments . The one good thing that came out of it is that I got time to go watch the 25th anniversary performance of The Phantom of the Opera with my sister at the theatre . I don 't think I had witnessed anything so epic that my eyes watered and I wanted to cry because it was so incredibly amazing . And that 's from the overture . It kept getting better . Hats off to you , Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber . Hats off indeed . . . What a highlight : possibly one of the darkest musical performances and it 's the most I 've smiled in a long time . As it stands , I 'll have to go to university tomorrow to present my project and get the last signature I need to hand in my thesis . After that it 's off to get it digitalised and then turn it in for good , at which point I 'll be ready to be called a proper mathematician . It 's been quite a journey , and I have quite a lot ahead of me still . . . But at least that one stage will be over with . Alas ! I can 't help but point out I 'm not quite over with the LesMisGuy stage , though . I keep wishing I could somehow run into him . I realised today I haven 't deleted the last text messages ( leading up to kissing and then after that ) and I didn 't have the balls to delete them . As soon as I came upon the number I thought was his , all I could do was check to see if it was indeed and then hurriedly back out of the messages menu . I 'm not sure what could possibly happen even if I did , perchance , run into him . I mean , would I even be able to greet him ? Wouldn 't I just run for the hills like I always feel the impulse to ? And that 's the thing : I already feel rejected by him and it makes me want to disappear . Makes it all the worse to fantasise of being with him anyway , if only for a one night stand sort of thing before I leave . Have I no self - esteem ? No self - respect ? No dignity ? Well , incidentally . . . I think not . It actually gets worse , you see . I saw myself fantasising of coming back in a few years and finding him again . Except by then he 's realised what I catch I am ( not ) and wants to be with me . And in my fantasy , of course , it 's everything I want it to be because I 'd already made him out to be perfect for me . It just takes a while longer to come together . I can tell myself : it 's ridiculous . Just wait and see . Someone new will come along . I 'm going to another country . My luck is bound to change , isn 't it ? Just wait for it . Someone else will be there and it will be perfect then . Why look forward to the past that didn 't work out ? If only reasoning with myself ever worked out for good . All I can answer to that is " But I like him ! I already think he 's perfect ! How long until someone like that comes along ? What are the odds ? " and frankly , I 'm not sure which part of me is being more ridiculous out of the two . I 'm hopeless . You already knew that . I already knew that . I already know that . And that 's why I did my nails and made sure they were perfect but now I found two bits of fluff in one of them and it 's taking everything I Lest I keep on writing about him , I think I 'm going to call it a day and get ready to wake up early morning tomorrow . I need to practice my presentation and I 've ( evidently ) put it off until the very last minute . Posted by I had several dreams last night , all ( as I remember them , vaguely ) centred about reunions . Family reunions , reunions among friends . . . In one of them there was a reunion at our place and my sister 's ( only known ) ex was here with a new girl . He got very upset over something and started singing very loudly and then left . Then there 's another dream . There 's two of them , actually . In the first I was told by someone who was part of a rescue team that they were trying to get people out of a building to avoid certain death and that whomever was in SmTn 's apartment ( SmTn , I assume ) wouldn 't open up and respond . He could have almost died . I knew about this in another dream where I was trying to send him an e - mail , except I accidentally sent it when it was only just half - way done and then wrote another tiny e - mail to tell him not to read the first one and planned to send in a third .

There are about 30 minutes left of my birthday . It has been a very good day . Nothing big happened , but I feel great . I am looking forward to all of the possibilities of this year and the years to come . When I started this , I had no idea what direction I wanted to take this . I knew that I wanted to write something . I miss writing . My day to day life as a teacher is filled with so much that I don 't give myself time to do the things I love like writing . That 's my fault and I can change it . I might not write in the form of this blog , but it has been so nice to hear from so many of you who are reading that I don 't think I will totally give up the blog . So , what am I doing on the day before I mark the end of my 45 year on earth ? I will probably mop the floors , give the dog a bath , and take a walk around the block . At 9pm I am driving to the airport to pick up my in - laws . ( Won 't pretend I tried to write this yesterday . I was tired enough to sleep for more than 4 or 5 hours . When that happens , I have to sleep ) . When I was a kid in junior high , I discovered Erma Bombeck . I think my mom bought her book , The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank , because she thought the title was funny . I had no idea what a septic tank was , but her writing made me laugh . She was a suburban housewife with a life far removed from the one I lived , yet her humor made her accessible to an urban 12 year old . I read every book that she wrote . And there I was , in the midst of all those people , learning how to " wobble . " This from a girl who was too shy to go to dances in high school because she thought she would have to , uhhh , dance . I started to loosen up in college , and every year I get less intimidated , more animated , and just a tad less coordinated . I intend to learn to salsa well enough to dance with that principal from Ecuador at the next convention . When I was a kid I always felt taller on my birthday . It is not that I really wanted to be taller . No , I enjoy being short . I have been a reference point for many of my friends : Well , how tall is it ? Twice as tall as Kasandra . How deep in the water ? Just over Sandy 's head . How big is the closet ? Sandy can sleep in there pretty comfortably . Can 't help but believe that my friend who said this to me really wanted to see if that was true . When I would wake up on my birthday , I would stand next to my twin bed and back up to the mattress ; I would swear that the top mattress was hitting closer to my calves than my thighs . My head would feel closer to the ceiling . I would just feel more stretched out . As the day wore on , I would start to feel more normal , but for a moment , I was tall . The moment was all I needed , but I think my mom thought I wanted to be taller and she started to feel guilty about my height . Not that it was her fault ; she 's taller than I am . My dad was at least 6 feet , my oldest brother is 6 ' 4 " , and my brother Leroy is 5 ' 11 " . She had no need to suppose I would not reach 5 ' . I think she felt guilty that I would think that my shortness was my fault . My mother used to tell me that kids grow when they sleep , so I needed to go to bed and sleep if I wanted to grow . Well , I have had trouble sleeping my whole life . Of course my mother could not have known this when I was a kid . She thought that I just wanted to stay up and read my books and watch television . Sure I did , but I was usually watching television and reading because I couldn 't sleep . Anyway , she tried everything to get me in bed ( and sleeping , not reading ) and I am sure that she thought that I was going to grow taller on my own . If I saw myself growing and I was sleeping I could connect the dots and would continue to get the eight required hours of sleep . That didn 't happen . By the time she realized that I might not grow very tall , she had repeated the no sleep / no grow idea . Then she backtracked and remember a few random relatives - - all dead , so no way to check - - who were short too . Mom remembered Mama Sarah , my dad 's grandma : 4 ' 8 " , large breasted , and mean ( which explains my other issues , but that 's a story for another time ) . Poor thing . What she did not know was that I could care less if I got taller . The nicknames did not bother me ; really the only thing that bothered / bothers me was / is that I can 't reach some things that are pushed to back on the top shelf at the grocery store . I either have to climb or ask someone . Otherwise , 4 ' 10 1 / 2 " is what I am . The 1 / 2 is important because 4 ' 10 " is the height at which you can be declared a little person . No offense to little people , but I am not a little person . Really . I am at a conference in San Antonio . Just got inspired by a 27 year old who has done more for the world than most people twice his age . His name is Craig Kielburger and he has written a book titled , Me to We : Finding Meaning in a Material World . At the ripe old age of 12 , he created an organization , Free the Children , and as an adult , he has been nominated for The Nobel Peace Prize four times . On top of all of that , he 's a nice guy - - well , he 's Canadian , eh . There was a time in my life when I would have been jealous of someone like him and wondered why I didn 't do something big and dramatic when I was young . I always wanted to have some sort of impact on the world and for a while I felt like it needed to be something on a really huge scale . I wanted to do something so great that Bryant Gumbel would call and invite me for an interview on the " Today Show . " Then when he became Bryant the sports guy , I began planning to meet Oprah . Too late for that too . What I am finding is that my impact does not have to register on the Richter scale to be important . Every day as a teacher , I encounter 125 or so students in my classroom , and many more in the hallways . I have an opportunity to reach hundreds of kids from 7 : 30am to 3 : 30pm and beyond . That 's a lot of access to raw energy . That 's power . My birthday is a week away . I am feeling excited about this one . Maybe because there are so many new things coming my way . It may be just because it is a number that is divisible by 3 , 5 , 6 , 9 , and 15 . I like things that have a kind of symmetry to them , order and systems . That 's not to say that my house is in order . No , far from it . But I do like to put certain things in order . My CD 's are alphabetized in my album . I have not had the time to alphabetize my books since I moved in here , so I don 't look at the shelf where they because that is a multiple day project and I haven 't had the time yet . I did put some on the shelf according to size . When I worked at Fashion Barn , I learned about colorizing the clothes : whites , then beige , yellow to orange , reds move into purples , and so on . That was my favorite thing to do in the store , and now I do it in my closets . I decide fabric types , length of sleeves , casual or dressy , then I colorize them . I feel better knowing that I will find my white long - sleeved dress shirt on the left end of my closet . One day while I was in college , my roommate Cheryl noticed that I had stacked all of the coins on the table into types . She didn 't know that I put them in chronological order within the groups . She did , however , place a pile of tangled necklaces on the table just to see what would happen . By the end of the day , I had them untangled and lined up according to the length of the chain and pendant types . I know it sounds bad , but I 'm not like that guy in Sleeping With The Enemy . I don 't insist that anyone else do this . I have even relaxed about it a bit . Well , not really . I was going to say that there were some things that I don 't put in order anymore , but as I sat here , I couldn 't think of anything . I mean , Adama puts the clothes in the closet sometimes , and I have only changed where they were a couple of times . Okay , I am looking around the room realizing that the DVD 's are in alphabetical order in the cabinet and that I just reorganized the shelves in the kitchen . A little over five years ago , I decided to run a marathon . Well , I was convinced to train for a marathon . This was the first year that Jessica and I worked together . She 's very peppy and talkative and had high hopes for the school year . I tried and failed to look excited when I met her . I still feel bad about that . I think she now knows why I was skeptical about how the teaching would go that year and that it wasn 't about her at all , but even today I wonder if she thought I was one those doom and gloom Eeyore types . It was hard to resist her enthusiasm for everything though , so when one of the other teachers at our school mentioned that she would be training for a marathon and that we should join her , Jessica got excited and I got swept up in the excitement . We were assured that ANYBODY can run a marathon . I was as close to any BODY as you can get - - 39 years old , not known for athletic prowess , and at least 25lbs above what is considered the " ideal " weight of someone under five feet tall . Twenty - six point two miles was a long way to carry 140lbs of low self - esteem , but I was going to try . So , along with a few other teachers from the school , we joined Round Rock Fit , an organization of runners who would help train us for the marathon . Eventually , all of the other teacher quit and it was just Jessica and me . We got up early on Saturday mornings , warmed up with our running group , and ran the long distance goal for the day . Each week the distance would increase . The leaders of the group decided that we would end our runs at the same time each week , so as the distances got longer , the running groups met earlier . Then the time changed and we were running in the dark . This would not have been so bad if we were running in the city where you could find lights , convenience stores , toilets and people . We were out in the undiscovered parts of Round Rock , running on country roads in abject darkness . One morning , I told Jessica to run in front of me so that if a car came it would shine on her white body and maybe we would not get killed . She liked that . Just a day after hearing about a woman who was attacked by dogs while she was out running , we found ourselves on that country road listening to the howls of the animals hiding in the darkness , wondering aloud what the hell we thought we were doing out there . The runs were grueling and satisfying . I remember the first time we ran ten miles . We were at the halfway mark and marveled at how good we still felt . These bodies ran from one city to the next almost . The best things about the run was getting to know Jessica . We always ran at a speed that let us talk comfortably . Talking was what got us through the worst days and made the best days even better . We spoke about issues in her relationship , " she who must not be named " at our school who gave us grief , and whatever we were watching on television at the time . We stretched , cried , and complained together . But mostly , we laughed . When I decide to sit down with my grandmother , I had no idea if she would really tell me anything . My family talks , but they seem to leave out the important stuff . For example , I found out that my grandmother had breast cancer because I was in the room with her while she was dressing and I noticed that she did not have breasts . It had been about 20 years since her mastectomy and I knew nothing about it . I am no better about being open . I mean , I did not go to her and say , " I heard you have brain cancer so I 'm going to record you before you die . " I would not have been that blunt , but that 's what I was doing . Besides that , I really wanted time with her . So I picked a none holiday and drove to her home in Calvert . We were both shy about the tape recorder when I started , but eventually , we were able to talk comfortably . She brought out a box of pictures that she had underneath her bed . Not the pictures we gave her . The school pictures with the generic blue backgrounds were lined up on her shelves and covered her walls . Poor grandma ! Having to find a space for at least 40 grandkids , 40 great - grandkids , and three great - great grandkids . She couldn 't do it , so some of us fell out of rotation once we graduated high school . The pictures that she showed me were the ones she really treasured . I recorded our conversation on a cassette tape . A few years later , I found a device and software that allowed me to convert our conversation to wave files . I have added bits of our conversation to this post . Click on the links and they will take you to a page that should allow you to listen if you would like . I love my grandmother 's voice and the words she used to talk about things . Listening takes me back to that day in her little house in the country . She was lively and beautiful that day and that 's the way I always see her when I think about her . Here is a link to the audio of my grandmother talking about the picture of her parents . Then she tells me about how she got together with my grandfather . One of the most shocking things that she revealed to me that day was that the man who she grew up with was not her biological father . She showed me a picture of her real father . My uncle Eugene , the youngest of the 11 , looks a lot like him . I asked my grandmother to tell me something about her 11 kids . Here 's what she said about my mother and I my aunt . My mother 's name is Verma and she was the second born , and Delois is the oldest family . The voice in the background in my aunt Shirley , the youngest girl in the family . She stopped over while we were talking . When I was a kid , I thought she was as beautiful as a movie star . When I found out that my grandmother had brain cancer , I drove to Calvert , TX to see her . I took a tape recorder because I wanted her to tell me something about her life and about her kids , my mother being one of them . I had no idea how open she would be , but I wanted to try . It is not that I felt really close to my grandmother . At the time , she had eleven children , forty grandchildren , forty - two great - grandchildren , and three great - great grandchildren . And most of the time when we would visit her , it would be a holiday or a huge family occasion , so I hardly ever got her all to myself . What spurred me on was not that she was sick , but how much I had loved my grandfather and how I felt I never really knew him . He died when I was 17 years old , so I had been around him plenty , but he was a mystery to me . Whenever the family gathered in Calvert , my grandfather kind of stayed back in the corner , allowing my grandmother to get all of the attention . He would sit in his chair , head resting in his hand , and would seem to be lost in thought as we would laugh and play around him . Occasionally , he would tell stories . Most of the stories were full of details about people we knew behaving in humorous ways . After funerals , you could count on him to lighten up the mood by regaling us with stories about the deceased . Before the day was over , he would retreat to the shadows again - - with us but somewhere else . He always told the same story about me . My brother and I were visiting my grandparents . Actually , we lived with them for a while after my father died , a fact I learned when I interviewed my grandmother . Apparently , there was a trail of cowboys , black cowboys , who would pass by the house everyday and I would want to see them . I would run from the back of the house to the front at top speed . When I got to the steps , I sailed right over them , my short legs never touching a step as I landed safely on the ground and continued to run to the gate to greet the cowboys . My grandpa said he held his breath every time I got to the steps , sure that I would stumble one day . But I never did , he was proud to say . We were all talking about how our grandfather had never really been to Dallas before . Most of the relatives , my aunts and uncles , lived in the Dallas Metroplex , but my grandparents did not visit there much . I don 't really think my grandfather visited until right before his death . He had come up to to have an operation , and though it supposedly went well , he died a few days after it . I remember being angry because no one told me why he needed the operation , and my mom did not let me go to the hospital in the days after they found him on the hospital floor . The last time I had seen him was the day before his operation . Two of my cousins , my grandmother and I were visiting him in the hospital . We were about to leave and he started to cry . My grandmother held him and kissed him . I stared because I had never seen him cry and I had never really seen them together like that . That ended up being the last image I had of him alive . Anyway , my cousin was talking about how , a few days before his operation , he had insisted on being taken back to Calvert . I don 't know who drove him home , but they said that he went to his house , walked around a bit , and visited with his daughter who still lived there . Then he came back to Dallas . We figure he probably knew he would never be back again and he wanted to see his home one last time . After a few minutes of silence my cousin added that she saw my grandfather after he died . She said that he appeared at the foot of her bed , surrounded by a bright light , and told her that he was alright . One of my immediately exclaimed that the same thing had happened to her too . As they discussed the similarities of these events the rest of us listened in awe . I was a little bit jealous . Why didn 't he come to me too ? After a while , we went to bed . My mom and I were going to share a bed in a room that held three beds . My brother occupied one of the beds and I can 't remember who else was in the room . I climbed into bed and started thinking . I really wanted to see if my grandfather would come to me . My mother was in the bathroom getting ready for bed , and everyone else in the room was already sleeping . I said to myself , " Daddy , ( most of us grandchildren called him daddy ) , if you are going to come , please come by the time I count to 10 . Don 't come after I pass 10 or I 'm going to be scared . Okay ? " Then I started counting in my head : one . . . two . . . three . . . four ( come on ) . . . five . . . six . . . ssevveeen . . . eiiiight . . . . niiiiiinnnnnnne . . TEN ! He did not come ! I jumped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom where my mother was brushing her teeth . She asked me if I needed to use the toilet and I told her no , I just wanted to wait for her to come to bed . I was 17 and I had no shame about this . So , there I stayed until she finished her bath , brushed her teeth , and dressed for bed . All the while I talked to her about any and everything else but what I had just done . So , I guess I missed my opportunity to talk to him when he was alive and then again after he died . I did not want to do the same with my grandmother . I wanted to talk to her and get to know her better . Turns out , she told me things she had never told any before . I think that at some point in my life I will parent someone . Maybe not a baby , but a child of some sort . If that happens , I would like to sit down with my mother and talk about how she was able to do some of the remarkable things she did as a mom . How , for example , was she able to hide Christmas presents in our tiny duplex and put them under the tree during the night and the wee hours of the morning without waking me or my brother ? The way our duplex was set up , every room was connected to the next room except for the bathroom . From the front living room , we 'd walk through the hallway straight into the room I shared with my brother ( and later with my mother ) , then through my mom 's room to the kitchen . There was no way for her to get to the living room where the Christmas tree was without passing through our room . Furthermore , she did hide some of the presents in the room where we slept - - we discovered through intense detective work - - and still managed to move those things and place them without casting a shadow across our Santa - seeking eyes . When we would wake at 5am , we would be shocked at the number of gifts we saw . And she still managed to look like she got some sleep the night before . If I didn 't know better , I would have sworn she slipped us something to knock us out . Beyond that , she seemed to know where I was and what I was doing at all times . Not that I was a bad kid , but occasionally I had a few lapses in judgement . I remember one time I was all the way on the other side of town , over by Dolphin Road , and I lived on Lindsley . I walked home with a friend as she talked me into visiting a guy that I liked . Most uncomfortable thing I had ever done . She left me alone with him in his house and all I could think was how badly I wanted to go home . After he teased me about knowing that I liked him ( and sang Teddy Pendergrass songs to me ) , I got up and left . Nothing at all happened , not even a kiss , yet I felt like I had done something very wrong . I managed to get to my house right before my mom got home and she busted me . How did she know ? Nobody was home to tell her . I arrived long enough before her to look like I had been home . It 's not just that she knew I wasn 't home ; she knew I had been in a boy 's house . She also knew that nothing happened , but we still talked about why it was not a good idea that I would go there . She answered my silent query of how she knew by saying , " I know you . " So , on my prom night , when the goal seemed to be to stay out as late as possible or not come home at all , I asked my mom what time I should come home . She said , " Come home when you think you need to be home . " Really ? ' Cause you know , it 's a tradition for everyone to ride around the streets surrounding the high school and the junior high wearing their prom outfits the next morning , looking as if they stayed up all night . She repeated , " Come home when you think you need to be home . " Wow . Prom Night . No curfew . Hot date that I had a massive crush on and oh when he asked me to go I was shocked cause he was so fine and so out of my league that I was sure he was not going to show up but he did and I did not have to be home . . . until . . . I thought . . . I needed . . . to be home . Wow . So , I went to the prom . Had a little fun there . My date left me for a while ( never knew where he went ) , but showed up at the end . We went to a hotel room . . . with about four to five other couples and ate hamburgers and watched karate movies . Sometime during the night , I realized the netting on my dress had made multiple snag marks on my pantyhose , so I took the hose off . At about 2am , my date decided to take me home . I was actually fine with that . I was tired and had seen almost every Bruce Lee movie ever made . Besides , the other girls in the room were doing their hair in anticipation of the prom parade the next day . I was kind of surprised at his insistence that my mother was just waiting for him to drop me off so that she could permanently part his jheri - curl hairdo . My mom is the sweetest looking person I know . ( Of course , I knew how hard she could be , but you really couldn 't tell from looking at her . That was what made her so deadly . ) I p - shawed him , but he wasn 't going anywhere until I was " dressed . " I think I am experiencing a side effect to the prednisone I am taking . I had really bad muscle cramps in my upper back earlier today . I was rolling around in agony , tears on the brink of falling and now I feel it coming back . So I am going to lie down and try not to tear my pillow in two with my bare hands . My husband is learning new English words all the time and he likes to try them out on me . The first time this happened , we were not married yet . He was taking ESL night classes at the school where I work , and I would stay at school at take him to his brother 's house after class . I love telling that story because it is sweet . Then he started learning other words and phrases : boring ; obnoxious ; I am not your maid ; don 't get clever with me ; my wife will kick your ass . Okay , he did not learn that last one at school . He also says , " You are my boss . You are number one . " Every time he tries these words out on me , I know when he is being serious and when he is kidding . I do know that he loves and respects me . Tonight he told me that he learned the word self - centered , and just like every other word he learns , he teased me by using it with me in mind . I did not take it well . I was so bothered that I could not let it go even after he made me understand that he did not believe that about me and that he was just kidding . I believe him ; I am questioning me . Am I really self - centered ? I remember being called selfish when I was very young . I don 't remember the context - - probably something I did not want to share . I do remember the pain of hearing that about myself . I felt it again tonight . I think at a young age I was so determined not to be seen as selfish that I gave away and gave in way too much . Then I spent too much time worried if it was enough and what people thought of me . I was working the 4pm to midnight shift at the Department of Public Safety when I was offered the opportunity to interview for a job overseas . I had just gone to bed at 7am when the call came at 8am , a dangerous time for me to make rational decisions . I remember waking up later in the day thinking , " What did I just agree to ? " I figured it was an opportunity for me to at least work on my interviewing skills . I got the call on a Tuesday , interviewed on Wednesday , was offered the job on Thursday , and had to let him know by Friday . I talked to everyone about what I should do . Responses ran from " it might be a good opportunity , " to " hell no . " My mom called and talked to her minister , and friends reminded me that it was COLOMBIA and if I needed to be rescued they probably couldn 't get to me . All I could think about was that I was turning 30 that year and would probably never have another opportunity like that again . I took the job and did not have any regrets - - until the day I left . My mom and her boyfriend ( now husband ) took me to DFW airport that morning . I was flying from Dallas to Miami , then Miami to Barranquilla . My brother was going to meet us at the airport so that we could say goodbye . Mom was holding up well . Her minister told her that she had to let go and trust God . I was excited and ready for my new adventure until I realized that my brother would not make it to the airport on time . I started crying . I don 't ever cry , really , and I was close to becoming hysterical and making a scene . My mom had to hug and hush me . To this day , I don 't know where all of that emotion came from , but I pulled myself together and got on the plane . I had met one of the other teachers going to Colombia earlier in the month , so I knew at least one person on the plane . The other teachers , one more from Texas and two from Canada , would be on the plane from Miami to Colombia . I picked out the other Texan right away in the airport in Miami : large Mexican guy , looking very stressed and kind of muttering to himself . We 're still best friends . The trip was pretty uneventful until we got to Barranquilla . We had a seven hour layover in Barranquilla . Seven . Seven hours to take in all the sights and sounds of the airport because we couldn 't go out into the city . Seven hours of realizing that everyone around you is speaking Spanish except for the group of teachers you just met . Seven hours to think about the fact that this was going to be your life for almost a year . Seven hours to check the flights back to Miami and the United States . There was a feeling of uneasiness about the fact that we could not go out into the city . I mean , we had seven hours . Why did we have to stay there in the airport ? What were they hiding from us ? The man who hired us was there and had the same Mickey Mouse smile plastered on his face that I saw when I was being interviewed . He did not seem to be a person who would sell me into slavery , but you never know . It was almost time to board the plane to the region where we would be living , but there was a problem . There were too many people who needed to be on the 40 passenger plane . Our director made sure that we got on the plane , but our luggage was going to have to stay behind . We could take a small something that we could carry . He promised that we would get our bags the next day . What could we do ? We left our things and got on the plane . Did I mention it was a 40 passenger plane ? One of those planes that you walked out on the tarmac to get into . I was lucky to be small because those seats were jammed close together . Both of the Texans were pretty large boys and had a hard time getting into the seats . They also would not turn on the air conditioning until the plane was going - - and there were flies on the plane . Oh , did I mention I am just a tad claustrophobic ? I stared out the window and tried not to begin rocking a shrieking . We finally took off . I have forgotten how long the flight took , but I remember the rocky landing . It wasn 't bad , but you can really feel everything on those small planes . We transferred from the plane to a bus that drove us to camp . There were no street lights , just the light of the bus driving us through the darkest night I had ever seen , and every once and a while lighting up signs that read " peligroso ( danger ) " . Just the word - - no pictures of animals , falling rocks , steep hills , curving roads - - leaving the possibilities open to interpretation . It 's Colombia so you can probably guess what I was thinking . I did not need a sign with a picture of Al Pacino holding a machine gun a la Scarface to get my imagination going . We finally arrived at the camp at about 1am . There was a crowd of people there to greet us , talk to us , and feed us pizza . That 's when I decided they were trying to brainwash us . We had been traveling most of the day and experiencing Colombia ( peligroso ! ) for the first time , and they were trying to get us to stay up and talk to them . Not a great first night . But then the director took us to his house so that we could call home and let everyone know that we arrived safely . By the time I got to my bungalow , I did not care where I was . I just wanted to sleep . I ignored the possible new creatures I might find in my place , ignored the fact that I only had a few things , ignored the fact that the walls of my new place were painted so pink that it seemed like I was in utero ( my new friend Abe dubbed it that when he visited the next day ) . I just wanted to sleep and finally I did . The next morning , I looked at the clock . It was only 5am . I looked out of the window and saw this really bright light . " What the heck is that ? " I thought . It was sitting high up in the sky and was really bright . Oh my goodness . It was the sun . Big and bright at 5am . I have been writing this blog for 15 days now and I am having a great time sharing my writing . Thank you for reading and for everyone who has commented on my blogs . I am humbled by your responses . I am sorry that I have not thanked you personally . It is a strange thing to do what you have wanted to for the first time in a long time . I want to write and be read , but if I stop and think about who is reading then I start to get self - conscious and I start to worry that what I might say will be offensive , or incorrect , or boring , etc . This feeling surrounds me . This may sound unrelated but bear with me . I was working at the McCombs School of Business at UT , and it was one of the best jobs I have ever had . I think I found myself during those years because of the boss I had and because I was in therapy . One day I was talking to my boss - - don 't remember what I was talking about - - but something made me start laughing . Not a quiet giggle but a loud , long , deep in the soul laugh . I walked out my bosses office to see several student workers looking at me . One of them said , " Are you okay ? " I said yes . They said they had never heard a laugh like that before - - sort of like I was running out of breath . It made them laugh but also a little concerned until they found out I was okay . I had never been told that I had a funny laugh before . I thought about it for a while and realized something : I had never really thrown my head back in laughter before . I had laughed before , for sure . But not long and loud with abandon . I remember trying hard not to be loud . When I was really young , I was always told to be quiet ; I was the smallest person in the house with the biggest sound . At some point I got the message . I did not want to bother anyone with anything . So I kind of silenced myself , including silencing my writing . Well , now I am told regularly that my laugh is funny . That makes me happy . It means that I have let loose . Now I need to continue doing that with my writing . The only thing I need to silence is that loud voice in my head that says , " Don 't do that . What if they don 't like it ? What if you offend someone ? What if you say too much ? What if it is no good ? Why don 't you stop ? " I just saw that new episodes of Dallas will be starting in 2012 . I saw Larry Hagman , Patrick Duffy , and Linda Gray in the previews while the familiar theme music played in the background . I am not sure I am going to watch the new show ; the old show meant so much to me and my family . Actually , we were kind of a soap opera watching family . When I was very young , before I was old enough to go to school , I stood on a chair in front of the sink in the kitchen and watched Another World while doing the dishes . Mom cooked and we discussed what was going on . We had a very tiny black and white television that sat on the kitchen counter when we were in there , and traveled with us to other rooms to assist us in completing other chores . I don 't know why I remember this so well . Maybe because it was just mom and me . She worked many different shifts throughout my childhood and having her there to talk to was a treat . I think her shift changed when I got to elementary school , so we couldn 't watch soap operas together anymore . I used to record the soap operas for her - - not on a VCR , but with a tape recorder . I would put the recorder as close to the television as possible so mom wouldn 't miss a thing . When the actors would stop talking , I would explain the action to mom . Mom would listen to the recordings at night and I would tell her anything else she missed . I loved doing that for her . I watched all of the soaps on CBS and recorded them as long as I had cassettes . If I ran out , I would just tell her everything that happened - - what the characters said , what they did , how the dressed - - and I would give her my opinion about what would happen next . Is it any wonder that at one point in my life , I wanted to write for soap operas . When Dallas started , all three of us , Mom , Leroy , and I , would watch it together . From the beginning montage of the Dallas Metroplex , to the last close - up of a character 's eyes and the promise of another episode the next week . Sometimes we had dinner first ; most of the time we ate in front of the television set . And we talked during the commercials - - about the show and other things . One day , I came home from school on a Friday to find that someone had broken into the house . My cousin was with me and when we saw the front room in disarray , we ran to her house and she called her dad 's job . Her mom and my mom both worked at T . I . and were due home any minute . When mom got there , we walked through our duplex to see what was missing . We noticed that some things were sitting stacked by the back door , waiting for the intruders to come back and get them . This was the worst part . They could come back . No one wanted to stay there that night , so we went to my cousin 's house for the night . There we sat , in front of the television on a Friday night . Three adults and six teenagers watched Dallas as of everything was normal . But life would never be the same again - - someone just shot J . R . We have had a pretty busy summer so far . Adama gets up at 3am to get to Target at 4am for the early morning shift . Then he comes home to sleep or do homework because he is taking three classes this summer - - ESL Reading , ESL Grammar , and Pre - algebra . So I tutor and type papers for his ESL classes and he takes care of the math . Ever try to tutor someone you love ? Especially someone who wants to know why something in the English language is the way it is . He can 't believe that the Language Arts teacher does not have all the answers . Our sessions usually end with me saying , " Sorry I yelled at you . " As for me , I have been dealing with the car . We had two car accidents in May , neither our fault , and have had to deal with insurance and having the car looked at and fixed multiple times . I hope to get the last part done this week . And I have bronchitis . Been coughing so hard I have wet my pants a few times . We have not slept in the same bed for the last few nights because my coughing fits have been so bad that I have not wanted to wake him up . We need a break from all of this . So we started talking about getting away for a few days . He thinks he can convince his boss to give him two days off together and maybe he won 't go to class on Thursday . That might give us a long weekend . We talked about a quick trip to Las Vegas , New York , or maybe driving to New Orleans . The reality is we have very little time and not a lot of money . After looking at a few trip websites , we ended up talking about doing something next year . Today after work , my husband brought home a couple of patio chairs . He has had his eye on different chairs throughout the summer , waiting for something to go on sale . Not just a few bucks down , but what he would call a good deal . My husband likes discounts , or as he likes to put it , " I want to win the good price . " These were not the chairs he liked in the beginning , but he began to realize that if he didn 't buy something now , we would be waiting until next summer for that too . After a long day of doing errands for our in - laws who are in Europe for three weeks , we sat outside in our new chairs . Adama asked me what I really wanted out of life and we started talking . I talked about wanting to be a writer and wanting to live somewhere else for a while . He asked about my most vivid memory , and when I told him , he said that I could write about that . He told me stories about his past and what he wants . I didn 't mop the floor like I wanted to and he didn 't study for the test he has tomorrow . We just sat in the quiet of Leander and reconnected . He said how nice it was just to talk and look at the sky . One day , we will travel far away from home . We have no doubts about that . But for right now , sitting on five dollar chairs in our backyard is the best trip we 've taken together in a long time . Bear with me . I have a nice little buzz in my head from the steroids I am taking to battle bronchitis . As usual , I waited until everyone around me said , " Please , please , please go to the doctor , " before I went . I really hate going to the doctor . I have had some pretty bad experiences with doctors , but none as bad as the one I had with a neurologist here in Austin ( seriously , I wish I could remember his name so i could tell everyone I know to avoid him ) . He was THE GUY to go to if you were having nerve issues . At the time , I did not know what was wrong . I was dizzy and experiencing headaches and other body pains . He was just another truck stop on the road to some answer , but not like that nice stop in Italy , TX . More like stopping in that store from the movie Deliverance . Like most doctor 's visits , I sat in the exam room for a long time . As I said , I had been to a lot of different doctors by the time I got to him , so I really was feeling nervous and hopeful . When he walked in , I kind of relaxed . He looked like Dave Thomas , the owner of Wendy 's and he had a genial smile . He started by asking questions about my symptoms . He would ask " normal " questions . How , when , where , to what degree was the pain . Was I in pain at the moment . Family history . You look a little like my granddaughter . She 's so cute . I spent some time in Africa . Wonderful place . Stand up please . Did your mother marry again ? No . ( He shoves me to the other side . ) I don 't blame you . Most black man are in jail or the are irresponsible . Hard to find a good one . I sat there thinking , " What the heck just happened here ? Was that part of a test ? Are there cameras in here ? Are we on television ? Is he coming back ? " He never did come back . Finally , a nurse came in to tell me that appointment was over and that I needed to schedule my nerve velocity test . I was so disturbed . . . and angry with myself . Why didn 't I say something ? I know people who would not have taken that ; would have stormed out of the room ; would have asked to speak to someone . But really . . . I wasn 't even sure that all of that had really happened until I got home from the appointment . I remember watching You 've Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks . Meg 's character talked about how she wished she could say the right thing at the right time when confronted with someone who was being rude or mean . I do too . I have gotten better . Probably because of my age . Sometime after 40 , I started being more forward and assertive . I try not to lament that it took so long and just be happy that it seems to be getting easier to speak up as I get older . Today , July 8 , is my husband 's birthday . He has changed the color of my world . The first time I saw him , I felt that " zing " in my heart that told me he was going to be in my life for more that just a moment . I have had these zings before , so I wouldn 't say it was love at first sight . In fact , many of my closest friends produced that same feeling in me the first time I met them . It 's possible that I made those relationships happen , but for the most part I would say circumstances caused us to find our ways to each other and then we became friends . Let 's say I stepped out of my comfort zone and allowed this relationship to happen . First of all , I let my co - worker , now my sister - in - law set me up . It did not sound promising as a long term thing which is probably why I said yes . She asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her brother - in - law who was visiting from Italy where he had lived for the last 10 or so years . By the way , his English was not very good and I would have to call him and pick him up for our date . Okay . I said okay quickly staying ahead of that inner dialogue that kept me from dating for 11 years . A few weeks later , we had Parade of Cultures at our school and he was there . I had not been shown a picture of him , so I did not know what he looked like , and he was not standing with his family members whom I knew very well . But when I saw him , I knew . There went the zing . I found another teacher , a friend of mine , and asked her to come with me to see if she thought he was good looking . Instantly 12 years old again , we followed him around the gym where the exhibits for the culture fair were set up . I never got close enough to talk to him that night . The next time I saw him . . . it wasn 't good . His sister - in - law had invited me to her house for a late Thanksgiving party . I woke up , got nervous about going to the party , and was ecstatic that I had a fever and couldn 't attend . When I called , she said she would bring food to me later . I should have known it was a code , but I had been out of the game too long . There I was , pajammied , bathed in vapor rub , disheveled , answering the door to her . . . and him . Okay , I thought , maybe if I ignore him he won 't see me . So , you want to go out with me ( sniff , sniff , cough , cough ) ? Well , we finally made the date just after Christmas . He called me , and through very broken English tinged with Italian and French accents , he asked me if I wanted to go with him to the movies , or to eat , or sumf - fing . Since I was beginning to think this was not going to happen and I was starting to feel a little relieved ( and a little sad ) , my shields were down . Okay , I just wanted to get this over with . Though I was attracted , I was starting to feel the familiar fear that kept me home most nights for more than a decade . Hold on , Pepe LePew . Aren 't you suppose to be kissing my hand , whispering sweet nothings in my ear , and promising to whisk me off to the Casbah ? You 're not suppose to be exposing my deepest secret . I was annoyed , speechless , impressed and intrigued . He said , " The first time I saw you at school , you were happy , zing , zing , zing , zing . . . " ( You noticed me . Did you notice me noticing you ? Did you like me ? Check box yes or box no . ) I liked that he did not give me the standard date resume . He talked in philosophical terms . He was confident even in his broken English . He did not sugar - coat his assessment of me , and it allowed me to throw in my own observations . We spoke as if we had nothing to lose . He had the kind of honesty that comes a year after dating , not just hours . As I argued , debated , teased , and laughed , for the next 8 hours , I started to fall . ZING ! Eight years ago , my mom called me and said , " You 're going to have to be my brave girl now . I have breast cancer . Everything is going to be fine . " With those words , I lost 30 years . I remember asking questions and finding out what was going to happen next , but remaining relatively calm . My roommate Andrea walked into the apartment during that conversation , and I grabbed her arm as she passed me . We had not been living together very long and we were still getting to know each other , so I think I kind of shocked her by holding on to her so tightly while my mother talked on the other end of the phone . When I hung up the phone , I told Andrea that my mom had cancer . She immediately dropped down in front of me and prayed with me . That 's who she is . My rock when I need her . She helped me through all of the ups and down that a person experiences when she learns that her foundation might be crumbling . My mom is my foundation . She raised my brother and me by herself , making sure we had just what we needed . We did not have much money , but you never would have known it . We always had lots of gifts under the Christmas tree and plenty of food on the table . Once , she was laid off from her job . She told us not to worry ; the lord would provide . We spent that week as if our mom was on vacation : walking to the store - - we did not have a car - - playing games , and just having fun . By the end of the week , she was offered a job at the same place - - for less money , but still , it was enough . Now , she needed me and I did not know if I could do it . I drove to Dallas the next day to see her . Nothing was going to happen for a while , but I still needed to see her . It was Wednesday and we went to prayer meeting at church that night . During altar call , the minister asked if there was anyone suffering out there , was someone in need of prayer . Please come and tell us so we can pray for you . I looked at my mom , wondering if she would walk down that aisle . She said to me , " I don 't want to call attention to myself . I 'll tell people later . " That 's who she is - - strong and humble . On the day of her surgery , we sat in the waiting room - - Mom , Leroy , and I . Our small family was used to doing things alone , away from our huge , extended family . Others were coming later , but it was just us for the moment . Mom had to fill out lots of forms , one of them was a form to tell the doctors what to do just in case something went wrong . Mom tried to tell us what she wanted ; she did not come right out and say it . She looked at me and said , " I know you know what I want and that you will tell them if the time comes . " I knew and I would do it if necessary . Please , God , don 't make it necessary . My mom , prepped for surgery , looked both young and old . After I prayed with her , she said that I had really grown up . At 36 , I had never felt more like a little girl than I did at that moment . Helpless , fearful , and a little angry . My wonderful , faithful , mother had to go through this when there were people who never had any troubles . I 'll admit it ; I was feeling pretty sorry for myself , too . I still needed her to be mama . After surgery , I slept in her hospital room overnight , listening for her breathing , staring at her face , searching for signs of pain . Every little frown was like a prick in my heart . I wanted this to be over for her . The next day , the nurse showed me how to make her breathe with the breathing machine , how and when to clear the drains from her surgery , and how to record data about what I saw . I get squeamish just looking at pictures with blood . But this was my mom , and she needed me . I did it without a second thought . For about three days until I returned to Austin , I took care of my mother . My foundation . I did what I never thought I could do because she was my mother . Mom has been cancer - free for the last 8 years . We talk on the phone once a week . She is who I want to be when I finally grow up . A few years back , I took a solo trip to Arizona . I had been on group trips before and there was always one or two people who kind of dictated where everyone would go and what everyone would do . This was fine with me because most of the time I don 't like to think when I am on vacation . Besides these leader ( s ) , there was often a naysayer in the group . The one person who would go along with everyone because she ( let 's face it ladies , it 's almost always a female ) got out - voted , therefore was unhappy for most of the trip . She often confides in the go - along - to - get - along person - - usually me . So vacations would equal drama . I needed a drama - free vacation . I chose Arizona because I knew that I could take a tour bus from Phoenix to Sedona , which I heard was beautiful , and I could also see the Grand Canyon on the same tour . On the first night of my stay in the Days Inn in Phoenix , I spent time reading by the pool , finding places to eat , and talking to the girl who worked in the gift shop . I decided my day and I liked it . People would ask why I was in Phoenix and with whom . When I would say I was vacationing alone , they would be impressed . I was more impressed by two women I met on the tour bus the next day . There are lots of people who like to " discover " places on their own and shun tour buses and tourist - y events , but I kind of like having someone tell me interesting things . Plus , you get to meet new people . I like meeting new people because everyone has a story to tell if someone will listen . I listen because I love stories . On the bus were two women who had traveled together once every year for the last 25 years . They left their husbands , children , jobs , and family obligations to take trips together . Through sickness and pregnancies , they kept their vacation times sacred , and they kept it a party of two . I envied their friendship . When I was young , I used to read books about friends who had known each other for years and had been close for all those years no matter what . I really wanted that . I have reconnected with friends from college , but so far , it doesn 't feel like that kind of close . Of course , I have my husband , but that 's different . I have not been a good , stick around , check on you , call regularly , let 's take a trip together kind of friend in the last few years . I am ready to change that . I know it is not too late . Fifteen years ago , I got a job working at a school in Colombia , South America . I taught four classes of English - - two 8th grade classes and two 10th grade classes . Since most of the kids had been speaking English since preschool , it was kind of like teaching those subjects here in the United States . The kids there even behaved the same way you would expect kids in our country to behave , except they were a little more forward about things . For example , when I was sick and had to leave the classroom suddenly , the kids asked if I had diarrhea . I don 't think U . S . kids would have asked , or they would have snickered about it . These kids were more or less unfazed by my possible stomach problems . I , being a product of my Texas upbringing , was quite fazed by that question , but I didn 't want to lie , so I just said yes and went home for the day . For this reason , I should not have been surprised by what happened when I introduced and new word to my students . Since these were English classes , I taught a lot of vocabulary . Regular old vocabulary that we encounter every day can get kind of stale , so I liked to throw in some words that I found in my WordSmart book . This book claimed to assist readers in achieving an " erudite " vocabulary , and one of my 8th grade classes was primed to learn more interesting words . These were gifted kids and I liked to challenge them . So , I introduced the word " callypigian , " which means having well - formed buttocks . I let them look it up in the dictionary . When they found out the meaning of the word they were fascinated , awestruck that such a word existed . They were seriously discussing when someone might use that word . I was triumphant . I had captured their attention . Little did I know how much I had captured . One of my students raised his hand , and when I called on him he said , " Ms . Hughes , you are very callypigian . " Oh my . I looked around the room . Some students were nodding , others had their heads tilted , puzzled looks on their faces as if trying to decide if his assertion was accurate . No one giggled ; no one was really shocked . Except me . Tomorrow , July 5 , is my brother Leroy 's birthday . Mom once told me that he was born at 8 : 30 in the morning . So I have been calling him at 8 : 30 in the morning on his birthday , almost without fail , for as long as I can remember . When we were kids , I slapped his bottom to wake him up on his birthday . He wouldn 't get mad because it was his birthday . We always shared our birthday parties because we both were born in July . My cousins who lived close by would come over and we would have cake and lime sherbet ice cream mixed with ginger ale for drinks . I don 't remember presents or cards , but I do remember the pictures we took with everyone in our little duplex smiling and eating . Then we would go outside and play . Sometimes we will ride our bikes farther away than we were suppose to , and come back to the yard as close to sundown as possible to play red light / green light , mother - may - I , and hide and go seek . So much fun . I can still see us in the dark catching lightning bugs . Don 't you get that ? Doesn 't matter if you 're going on with their plan They 'll never be happy Cause they 're not happy with themselves I 'm talking bout things that I know It 's okay show yourself some love Don 't worry bout who 's saying what It 's gonna be fine Work what you got I see so many girls going through such hard times during middle school . Girls can be so mean to each other and to themselves . I used to just love myself when I was in elementary school . I liked my hair , I never worried that I was a nerd who played the violin , I danced around people and didn 't worry that I had steps wrong . Then I got to junior high and everything seemed to change . Some people seemed to be doing fine , but I wasn 't . One of my closest friends started hanging out with a different group of girls , and I heard them talking about her clothes behind her back . I told her and she said she didn 't care , but I was the one she stopped talking to . I was not bullied or talked about really , but my childhood friends were moving in different directions , choosing cliques that I really did not fit into . I found friends ( lots of them ) , but I always felt on the edge of everything until high school . Even then , I never felt that same " I 'm wonderful " feeling . That 's too bad because I think we all need that . When we were kids , my brother and I fought almost every day . Not yelling at each other ; we let our fists do the talking . He was a year older than me and taller , but I was stocky and determined . We were evenly matched . Our summer day would start with us lying on the opposite ends of the couch watching television ( Dusty 's Treehouse , New Zoo Revue , Three Stooges ) . Then one of us would offend the other person somehow - - body noises were usually the culprit - - and we would start fighting . Punches , headlocks , and any moves we saw on early morning wrestling were legal . It would be ferocious for a few minutes . Then it would be over . We would watch " The Young and the Restless , " discuss the problems between Victor and Nikki or the Abbotts , and have lunch . Inevitably , one of us would breathe , and the fight would be on again . We would usually have at least one more before Mom got home at 4 : 00 . She knew about these fights because one of us would blab . She told us to stop , that siblings shouldn 't fight like that , and that she was very disappointed in us . We did not want to disappoint her , so we stopped - - tattling , not fighting . First rule of sibling throw down is don 't talk about sibling throw down . These fights continued until my brother entered junior high . He had started playing football and was getting very strong . He was still very skinny , but there was muscle now covering those bones . As always , the fight started over something trivial . By now , we were fighting with words as well as fists . We both knew that the verbal was just the preview of the coming attraction - - the main event . Only this time , the feature would be very short . My football playing , athlete brother punched me in the stomach . Fight over . I clutched my stomach in pain , tears sprung to my eyes , and I said the one thing guaranteed to hit him where it hurt : " Momma said you 're not suppose to hit girls . " The look on his face was one of fear - - fear that he had really hurt me . In all of our years of battle , I always knew that my brother would not hurt me for the world . NWe never fist fought again and I never told momma about him punching me in the stomach . My brother and I have a very good relationship now . I think we both feel free to tell each other the truth about our lives . My mom thinks it 's good that we can talk this way to each other . When I was about 9 years old , my mom took me aside to have a talk with me . It was a Saturday morning , so I knew this was serious . Saturday was about cartoons and hair washing and shopping , not discussions . So I already had a bad feeling about this . And it was a talk just between the two of us . My brother was nowhere in sight . Yeah , this was going to be " the talk . " Well , at least one of them . My mom told me that my cousin had started her period that morning . I had already heard about getting periods , and according to my sources , it only happened to " fast " girls . Now I was being told that this happens to all girls and that it could happen to me any day now . Yep , this was bad news . It got worse . Mom told me that a period could last from 3 to 7 days , that I might experience some pain , and that I could expect it to happen every 28 days . . . until I was an old lady . She told me about mini - pads and pregnancy , about how she hid it from her mom , and how she did not want me to be afraid to talk to her about it . She said many other things that day , but the thing that stuck in my head was that she said that now my cousin may act different and that I was not to ask her about her period . She was becoming an adult and needed some time to adjust . She asked if I had any questions . Sure I did . Could you be wrong , mom ? Is there anyway out of this ? What is my cousin going to be like now ? Will she stop talking to me ? Did she have to stop playing with me ? Why wasn 't I born a boy ? All they do is talk about sports and guns . I was bummed after our conversation and would remain that way for the next few weeks . That same day , my mom , brother , and I went with my cousin 's family to the Natural History Museum in Dallas . There on display was a clear figure of a woman with visible internal organs . . . and she was pregnant and you could see the developing baby inside of her . Next to her was a huge wheel where you could chart your . . . period . My cousin , who usually told me everything , had not said a word about her period . I felt so alone . There was my cousin , walking around becoming an adult , and a chart of my destiny spinning right in front of my eyes . I was being assaulted with this period thing and I really wanted no part of it . When I did get my period two years later , I still didn 't feel any better about it . Sure , I had read Are You There , God ? It 's me , Margaret by then . Just because those girls were happy and excited about getting their periods didn 't mean I felt the same way . Since I could not change the fact that I was a girl and that this was going to happen to me and one day I would be grateful for it because then I could have babies and it 's a beautiful thing , blah , blah , blah , and I had to accept the things that I could not change , I finally let go of that feeling of betrayal I had since my mom told me about " being a woman . " When that happened , I won 't say because it was embarassingly late in game . My mom really did a great job and I 'm sure that I could do a good job too . However , if I ever have a daughter , or iof my husband 's daughter is with us when her period starts , I am going to try to talk my husband into having " the talk " with her . He knows all about it , more than some women I know , and has not been emotionally scarred by hearing about periods . He 'll do a great job . I think I was probably 8 or 9 years old . My brother and I were usually alone in the house during the day in the summer . We had cousins up the street , a neighbor on the other side of our duplex , Mrs . Adams on the porch across the street , and a reasonable amount of good sense , so we felt safe by ourselves . There was always fun to be made . One day , I found a reddish - brown toupee in the top of the closet . I put it on , pulled it towards the front of my head , and put on a hat to hide my black hair . My mom had these light blue smocks that she would wear to work and I had asked for one that had gotten too worn to wear . I put it on over my clothes and decided to pretend that I was my cousin from Waxahachie . I had spent a lot of time watching the Patty Duke Show , soap operas , and a bunch of other series where one of the characters turns out to have a long - lost relative or a stranger who looks exactly like him or her . ( Gilligan 's Island comes to mind ) . I affected a " proper " accent ( basically , I enunciated each word ) and tried out my character on my cousins . Besides the ones who lived down the street , we had more cousins a few blocks away , within walking distance from our home . My brother was kind enough to go along with this charade . I have forgotten what my " cousin 's " name was , but my brother introduced me to everyone and told them that I was our cousin and he was showing me around . I kept up that character until my mom came home from work . This is Zora . She is a dog . I don 't think she is aware of this . Since she is 11 years old now , I think it is time for me to break the news to her . Perhaps I will take her out to get a pedicure and then to dinner . Over dessert , I will break the news to her . Then we will watch " The Long , Hot Summer " together . What do you think ? Will this cushion the blow ? My goal is to write about one memory , thought , or observation each day until I reach my 45th birthday . I don 't say it will be interesting - - just that it will be honest . Today , for the first time in my life , I told my mom that I used to fantasize that my father , who died when I was three , was really alive and that he was working for the CIA / FBI / KAOS ( from Get Smart ) . Because of his work , he had to pretend that he was dead , and one day he would show up at our doorstep and surprise us . This reunion was very clear in my mind . I didn 't tell my mom that I thought about this well into adulthood . Parents are strong forces in the lives of their children whether , they are there every day or absent for some reason . If I ever become a parent , I will remember this .

Connor continued running down the side of the highway , seeing the exit to the access road coming up . He took his phone out of his pocket with his free hand , noticing that there was still no signal . The phone still showed the correct time . " It 's outside , man , out the door to the left , right next to the dumpster " , the young man answered , flipping his long hair out of his eyes . " It 's out of order though , " he added as Connor turned to walk outside . " Some jerkoff ripped the phone thing off by the cable . " " Timothy , " Connor said , taking a deep breath as he struggled to remain calm , " I 'm telling you right now , if you don 't let me use that goddamn phone right now , I 'm going to tell your boss , " he said as he looked behind Timothy to the back wall showing a framed photo of an elderly woman in the same red and black colored work shirt the boy wore , taking note of the name on the tiny plaque , " I 'm going to tell Bridget that you 're banging random chicks in the storage closet . So are you going to let me use your fucking phone , or not ? " Connor said , as he placed his suitcase on the counter , slowly draping his coat over the suitcase . " There was a wreck on the goddamn highway and I 'm calling you from - yeah , yeah I know they 're important , okay ? I know how serious this meeting is . I 'm calling you from a gas station right now , and I 'm going to try to get there via taxi or something - no , my phone doesn 't have any signal , I don 't know what the fuck is going on . " " Kid ! Hey , Timothy ! Your phone in here is dead or something , and your fucking light won 't turn back on . I can 't see shit . " Connor twisted the cap off the drink , and took a long swallow , feeling the coolness of the water pour through his body . Letting loose a small sigh , he put the cap back on , and raised the cold bottle to his forehead , relishing it 's cold and wet refreshment against the sweat on his face . He leaned down and grabbed another of the bottles from the cooler . " Almost . Your phone seems to have died , and the light in the office isn 't turning back on - the motion sensor is probably busted . Look , can I borrow your cell phone ? I need to get a taxi , I need to get downtown in the next fifteen minutes . " Timothy took his phone from Connor 's outstretched hand . " Naw man , it 's just … hmm . That 's weird , it 's been on the charger since Carleen got here , it shouldn 't be dead already . " " Yeah , I guess . But you run off , Tim 's got a gun behind the counter , so don 't be a dick , aight ? " Carleen said . Connor stood just in the doorway of the store , looked at the red gasoline canister in the large man 's hand , and back at the kid . The kid was repeating to the man about how nothing seemed to be working around here , that he couldn 't even call his manager to come fix it . Connor looked out the window , noticing the many people standing around in between the cars , talking to one another , asking what could have happened . " Yep , I was just heading downtown to go pick up my son . " , Hobby explained . " It 's my weekend to have him , and we were gonna go hunting for his first time . I been taking him down to his grandad 's land to sight in the rifle I got him for his birthday last June , and we were gonna go down this time and pack up a few deer , since the buck - to - doe ratio is all screwed up this time of year , y ' know ? " , Hobby said , taking a moment to spit some of his chaw juice out . " But there I was , getting off the 10 and trying to get down here to get some gas , and while sitting there with that light turned red , my damn truck died . " Hobby said as he scratched his bearded chin . " Come to think of it , though , I don 't quite remember any of them lights working or not in the first place … " Connor replied , " Yeah , it seems the office phone and the kids ' phones are all dead . My phone wasn 't getting a signal for a bit , and when I looked again , it had died too . I think the power may have gone out in this building too . I don 't know if there 's a backup generator or anything out here - " " There 's a few hundred people out there right now all sitting in their cars and they 've been there for a while . There doesn 't seem to be anybody coming this way for the foreseeable future to do anything about this mess , and for all we know , maybe the whole city is at a standstill like this . " , Connor added , looking out the window at the people walking around the cars . He found himself focusing more on the few that were headed towards the gas station . " Timothy , listen to me , man . Those people probably don 't all have cash on them , so you 'll probably want to make a big sign that says you 're only taking cash right now , alright ? And , uh , Hobby , if you wouldn 't mind hanging out with the kid behind the counter ? You might be useful in keeping people on the level if they come in here with an attitude . " " That 's no problem , mister . I 've got a bit of door - man experience from the bar back home , it 'll probably be the same thing as that . Are you planning on rationing out water and stuff for those people ? " , Hobby asked . Connor nodded as he replied . " Yeah , there 's nowhere near enough food or drink in here for all the people out there , and without a GPS or anything , it 's going to be a pain in the ass figuring out where the next nearest store is . So let 's just try to help these people out and keep everyone calm the best we can . " " Good job kid , now go ahead and put that on the front door . Hobby , would you mind helping me move the drinks from the cooler racks over to the ice chest outside ? Might as well use that ice to keep things cool before it all melts . " " Well ma ' am , that 's just it - an EMP blast is an electromagnetic pulse blast , it 's not quite the same as a missile blowing up . It 's more like an electronic bomb that , when it goes off , instead of blowing up buildings and roads , it short - circuits electrical items . That might be why nobody 's phones are working , and why all the power seems to be out . " The soldier responded , " Well , yes ma ' am , but most cars for the last fifty years or so have all got computers inside them . The computer in a car is like the brain , it controls how the vehicle handles fuel , changes gears , even just letting the car turn on . If that computer is fried , which I 'm pretty sure all of these are , then the car is just a big paperweight , ma ' am . " " Who , me ? Oh , no sir , I just … I mean , listen for a second , will you ? You can 't hear anything from downtown , you see ? I mean , hell , I haven 't even seen any birds flying by since earlier this morning - and even commercial airliners , I don 't even remember the last time I saw one today . " , the soldier said . " Oh , no sir . I was actually caught in traffic right down there , too . " Mosco answered , nodding his head down towards the access road . " I was just coming back from seeing my girl down in Wimberley while on leave , we 're having a baby next month … " his voice drifted off , a smile on his face . " Alright , Brady , nice to meet you , son . I 'm Connor Gregson . " , he said , as he shook the young man 's hand . " I was just talking to the kid that works in this store , his name is Timothy . Now , he seems like a good kid , but I 've been thinking … " Connor lowered his voice , looking around at the group of people around them , all focusing on their own conversations . Brady added , " And my radio isn 't working either . So it isn 't just the cars and cell towers , but it really does seem to be all electronics . Which means that more than likely , even the police stations and the base on the other side of town are affected just as badly . " Connor nodded . " Exactly . And once everyone starts to realize that there isn 't any way to contact anyone for help , or for anything , there 's going to be a wave of panic that 'll start to wash over everyone . " " Yes sir , I think you might be right . I really don 't know what 'll happen once someone out there decides they want to try and control the situation to their advantage . You ever seen Mad Max ? " Connor chuckled . " Don 't be too impressed , Brady . Even with this damn thing , I was still late to my meeting today . " , he said with a wink . In the later hours of the evening , people had come from out of the surrounding neighborhoods to see if they could find more information on what had occurred that day . Many stopped by the station to purchase goods , but as most were without cash , they ended up going back home . A few had decided to stick around , feeling they would be safer in a group . A fight had broken out just as the sun was setting . An elderly man attempted to take a gallon of water from a woman pushing a stroller with a baby only a few months old in it . Timothy had initially suggested storing all the gallon jugs in back , and had brought it out when he saw she had a baby . Connor nodded , " Yeah , surprising to see how much a kid can grow when you put him in charge of something , sometimes . Even his little girlfriend is doing a good job . I don 't even think she works here , " he added with a quiet chuckle . " I do . A daughter . She 's … god , I think she 's probably twenty … four , now ? I haven 't seen her in a long time . Her mother passed away after our divorce a few years ago , and she moved into a house with a few of her friends , last I heard . That was … damn , that was last year already . " , Connor said quietly . He looked up at Hobby , who had a sad smile on his face . " I mean , it 's not like we don 't talk , we do … I called her this past Christmas , but she sent me a text saying kids don 't talk on the phone anymore , texts are easier . " , Connor chuckled . " Sometimes I wonder what it would 've been like if I hadn 't - " " Oh god , oh thank god , you 're awake . Sarah , honey , you just got shot , but you 're gonna be okay baby girl , just hang on , Bobby is getting help right now . Just stay calm - " " Motherfuck , fuck , fuck , FUCK ! " Bobby yelled as he ran to the back of the building , already feeling winded . He dug in his pocket for the keys to his car with one hand , the other trying to press the buttons on his phone , the presses not registering , the screen smeared with blood . " Fuck , I cannot fucking … believe this … oh my god … " The car alarm chirped as he disarmed the system with the key fob on his key ring . Bobby 's hand slipped from the handle of the car door , his hand still slick with blood . Trying again , he jerked the door open and threw his body behind the wheel , trying to find the ignition keyhole with the key as he looked at his phone . The car roared to life just as he hit the send button on the screen . Putting the phone to his ear , he slammed the car door shut , and reached across his body to put the car into gear . The line began to ring . Billy Johnson 's lifeless eyes stared up at the ceiling , his mouth hanging open at an unnatural angle . The blood pool around his body had seemed to stop growing , and it made it seem like Billy was floating on the surface of a black pond . The two dark holes in his blue polo shirt only had small rings of blood around them . " Hey honey , hey , listen to me . We 're going to get you out of here right now , okay ? It 's gonna hurt like a motherfucker , but I promise you we 're going to get you taken care of right now , alright ? " Stephen Belowski stared at the monitor above him , seeing the young man who had come into his restaurant and demanded everyone 's money and wallets . The black duffel bags the girls had carried with them laid on the ground beside the wounded girl 's body , wallets and personal items sliding out to the floor . The CPR girl shoved the items back into one , picking it up as she grabbed her friends legs and lifted . " - sorry , the lulupop mystery will have to wait until tomorrow , honey . Look , how about if you girls get into bed right now , I 'll tell you a bedtime story , like we used to ? You girls used to love that . " " You 're right , honey . You 're practically a full grown woman already , but you 're still MY baby girl . " , Nathan said . He uncrossed his arms and leaned over , slowly tip - toeing to the couch . " No baby , he was just a handsome young man , we 'll call him , Nathaniel . Hold on , don 't spoil the story , just listen to it for a little bit … So there was the handsome young man , laying in his chamber upon his great big bed . It was the softest bed in the whole kingdom . " Thank you baby . So , the handsome man , Nathaniel , he found the magic box glowing in the dark room , with the sound of a thousand wolves howling at him . He picked the box up , and he hit it with his very strong hand , and suddenly the sound stopped ! Nathaniel looked around his dark room , and back at his bed . It was the best , most comfortable bed in the whole world , did I say that already ? And then he looked across the giant bed , and saw his beautiful wife laying sound asleep in their giant bed . She could sleep through a tornado - " " Oh , sorry baby . I meant , she could sleep through a whole carriage ride . So , Nathaniel sat back down at the edge of the bed to go back to bed , but then he remembered , he had an adventure he had to get to ! So he stood up , and walked over to the hall of his castle . He saw a door that was cracked open , and slowly crept up to it . As he grabbed the handle , he slowly pushed the door open , peeking in without a sound . He made sure the princesses were sound asleep , surrounded by all the most beautiful dolls and dresses money could buy , and closed the door quietly - " " Oh , no , he 's … Nathaniel is the king , Michelle . There isn 't a prince in this story , just a king and his queen and his princesses . " " Okay , so the king , he walked back down the hall , and then he opened another door . In this room , the light was so bright , the king could barely see ! He closed the door behind him , and all was quiet throughout the house . It was a magic door where all the noise inside the room never escaped to wake anyone else up in the castle . A few minutes later , the king emerged from the room with the bright light , with the smoke from the water dragon he had just defeated billowing out around him . King Nathaniel looked more dashing than ever , as he walked through the house looking for his servants . Unable to find one at that moment , he decided he was hungry , and went to his chicken coop and gathered eggs . Then he walked over to the pig hut , and asked the pigs for some bacon , which they were very kind in providing . Then he walked over to his cow , Bessy - " " Bessy was a big , big blue cow , and she made the best chocolate milk in the whole kingdom . The King had so much food now , and he put it all on the very long table in the enormous dining hall of their big , beautiful castle . After he ate his share , he put the rest of the food in the refrigerator - " " So , King Nathaniel got his adventure bag ready for the day , and walked out of his castle down the road to the village at the foot of the mountain . When he got there , he found many people walking up and down the street , with carriages everywhere ! He continued to walk down the path until he saw an old woman struggling to hang a sign on a hook screwed into the frame of her store . King Nathaniel was a fine gentlemen indeed , and he ran over to help the old lady hang the sign up . Once it was hung properly , the old woman thanked him . King Nathaniel asked the old woman if she needed any other help around her store . The old woman said yes , she would love the help , as she didn 't have enough servants to help do the work she used to do herself . King Nathaniel asked her what he could do to help , and the old woman told him about how a mean old wizard had come by her store , and had put a bad spell on the outside of her shop overnight . " " Yes , it was a curse , but luckily , the king knew some secret spells of his own that could remove the curse ! So he grabbed his adventure bag and went around the back of the building , and saw the giant letters in a magical , foreign language , covering the wall on the back of the nice old woman 's shop . He dug through his bag , and found some magic water , and a magic blanket , and he splashed the magic water all over the spell on the wall . And then he used the magic blanket to wipe all the bad spell off . " " Oh , we had an apple for lunch today daddy ! It was a great big red one , and it was delicious . I meant to save you a slice , but I got hungry and ate it too … " , Tabitha admitted sheepishly . " You 're right , Tabby . You 're such a smart young girl , I am so proud of you . Now go to sleep like your sister , she 's already snoring . " " Bethy , what are you doing here ? You never come to the bar unless - oh , oh my baby , your eyes 've been crying . Your makeup is all messed . " , Tommy said quietly , as he lowered her to the floor . Tommy raised an eyebrow and looked over his shoulder , yelling to the other bartender . " Chester , your sorry ass didn 't charge my daughter for this beer , did you ? That shit 's coming out of your tips . " Tommy turned back to face his daughter , looking her up and down , noticing her dress clothes . His brow furrowed as he asked , " Bethy , did you come from work ? You never drink after work . What 's wrong ? " " They fired me , daddy . For something stupid as hell , I swear , I didn 't even do nothing wrong , it 's just that damn Ms . Galloway , she 's got such a huge stick up her ass and she pisses off at damn near everybody for any little damn thing , and I don 't mean to be mean , but she can go straight to hell , you know , I mean , she just isn 't a nice person , not at all daddy , not one little bit , and I hate her for it … " Bethany 's voice trailed off as she noticed her country accent starting to flare up , as it usually did when she was riled up about something and began to ramble . " Aw dang , honey , is that it ? I 'm real sorry honey , I know you really liked working there . I remember your ma calling me when you got the job at that mechanic shop , she wouldn 't shut up about how proud of you she was . I think she really just took a big jolly out of it , trying to remind me how I didn 't have nothing to do with it . " Tommy sighed . " Is that Willy guy still running the place ? " " It 's a mechanical engineering lab , daddy , not a shop . And his name 's Wayne , daddy . Wayne Welding , and yes he is , he 's the CEO , remember ? Though I think even he 's more afraid of Ms . Galloway than most of the other employees . She has to be the worst HR lady on the whole damn planet . " " Yep , the two of us , we went to the grade school together , even played on the same damn baseball team . " Tommy pointed to the bat on the shelf under the bar . " Hell , that 's his bat , if I 'm lying I 'm dying . He gave it to me after he hit his first home run . Said I 'd need to study it to learn his secret , the smartass . " Tommy chuckled . " But yeah , he went off to the college , and I started working here with your grandmama right before … " Tommy 's voice trailed off , his eyes misting at the memory of his mother . He coughed to clear his throat , and looked back at Bethany . " No daddy , I 'll be fine . I saved up a lot of the money I made there . Actually , I wanted to talk to you , and I really meant to stop by before , you know , it 's just been real busy lately and … well … " Bethany 's voice trailed off as her attention was captured by the two men yelling at each other in the patio area . The sudden sound silenced the band , and all conversation stopped . The biker turned off his motorcycle , as he swung the kickstand out with his boot . All eyes turned to face the bar . " Bethy , my baby girl , you know I love you , and I know how much that money would take care of us both . But honestly , your grandmama and granddaddy built this bar from the ground up on their own , and it 's all I 've got left of them . And if you think I 'm gonna make anything on the damn planet easy for the company that fired my baby girl , well , honey , I thought I raised you better than that . " , Tommy said with another wink . Sam only slurred when he had passed the point of no return . I knew there was no getting out of this night without something happening . Something always happened when Sam got drunk . " … Shabrina , that 's a beautiful name . " , Sam was saying to the brunette sitting in the middle of the group . She had a very Bohemian style about her , wearing a peasant dress and loads of bracelets . Sam continued , " And yours was … Becky ? " " Stacy . " , corrected the beautiful blonde woman sitting at the left of the other two women . Stacy didn 't seem bothered in the least that Sam hadn 't remembered her name . In fact , she appeared grateful that Sam was even speaking to her . She was wearing business casual attire , apparently coming to the bar straight after work . I didn 't catch the first woman 's name . It felt like a log had been dropped on me , but my knees didn 't buckle as much as they use to when he would do that . Years of carrying this guy out of bars , or having to drag him off the couch after a long night of drinking and playing video games at the apartment had made my legs stronger than when I used to visit the gym back in the day , after getting out of a long relationship and having to find a way to spend my time . So much for splurging on a lifetime membership - " Oh my god , that was just on the news a little while ago ! You guys were there ? " , exclaimed Sabrina . " But that was just a little while ago , I heard traffic was backed up for miles - our friend Lauren is still stuck in traffic down there . How did you two make it all the way up - " All three women turned to stare at me . If I had been a bit more sober , I would have imagined they were looking on in disgust . But with the dark lighting and the low cut of their shirts , it was hard to tell exactly what they were thinking . " Tiffany ? Oh , she 's the bartender , I was gonna ask what they do around here when it 's a slow night like tonight , haha . " I was never the best at thinking quickly on my feet . Sam broke the following silence . " So thish bus , it 's driving down the road out of control right as Johnny and I , we 're crossing the shtreet , right ? And ish bouncing off all the cars in the shtreet , and it gets right to the point ish about to flip over , so I - " Sam 's eyes followed them , as he slowly lowered his arms . He turned his head back to me , and asked " What 's their problem ? Is it something I said ? " " Hey , Sam . You okay dude ? Sam . SAM . Dude , don 't fall asleep ! , " I shouted . I hated having to carry the guy outside by myself . " Hey man , stay with me here , alright ? " He caught himself before hitting his head on the table , looking startled and sleepy at the same time . He looked around the bar , noticed the bartender dancing and gave a wide , goofy grin . He looked back at me , and asked " Hey , you ready to go home , J ? " " Yeah man , let 's take a cab this time though , alright ? I hate when you grab me and just fly up in to the air like that , man . I told you I get sick of heights . " , I responded . Everyone had one , and they were all unique in some way . Of course , the most notable ones quickly became super celebrities , or became actual super heroes . But the truth was , most people 's super powers were not that outstanding , nothing special that could really differentiate them from every other human . Bill 's boss , the President of WAS , Inc . , Mr . Ryan Slane , was a commanding presence in his office . The entire top floor was his own suite , with panoramic views of the city on all sides . He stood a foot away from the floor to ceiling window behind his desk , looking out at the people on the streets a thousand feet below . " It 's not exactly something I can trust with just anyone . You 're my most loyal employee . I 've known you were different from the day I met you . So that 's why I 'm putting you in charge of this instead of Susan Delaney , she 's a sweetheart and has never done me wrong in recruiting the best of the best , I mean , hell , she brought you in . But I need this done right , and you 're the only choice where my gut doesn 't clench in hesitation . " " Thanks Ryan , " Bill said . His hands were in his pockets as he took another step towards the window closest to him . He kept his eyes on the horizon , looking at the snow on the mountain crests just miles away outside the city limits . He had never been skiing . " I was in Hong Kong just before you came in to my office , looking out of the window just like you are now , and it 's no different . I 've told you about their food , yeah ? Amazing black truffle scrambled eggs at that one place … " " Yes ! Exactly , Capital Café . I love that place . Have you ever been there ? You should really go , I don 't know why you never take time off . I 'll even comp you the plane ticket , it 's just … " Bill had never been to Hong Kong . In fact , he had never even left Texas . Ryan was able to travel the entire world thanks to being empowered with teleportation . As far as anyone else knew , he was the only person in the world with that capability . For Ryan , the Empowerment allowed him to do market research on the fly , and to make in - person deals with his associates at the drop of a hat . He loved business , and the process of making money . And because of his natural workaholic attitude , his Empowerment was incredibly well paired . " Yeah , up yours kid , I can still kick your ass with one leg . Two hits , me kicking your ass , you hitting the ground . The only falling you 're gonna do is fall in love with my boot up your ass . Back in ' Nam , I used to dodge lead every morning while taking shits bigger than you . You wouldn 't last a goddamn minute over … " " Jesus , did you run down here ? You 're sweating so hard I can see that shit getting all over my floor . Whatever , sit on the other chair - no , the other one , that fabric covered one . I didn 't spend a month 's salary on this fucking leather chair for your sweaty ass to get it all moist with your hydration problem . " " … Yeah yeah , that piece of trash . Anyway , his kid , Eric Babbott , is apparently some big YouTube sensation , overnight success and that whole bit , had a stint doing a few interviews on daytime talk shows , whatever . He 's gonna be the star of this studio 's new feature film , and they have a role for his gay best friend . " " Shut up and listen , kid , Jesus , I 'm fucking busy and I 'm trying to brain dump this on you as quick as I can so I can get on my flight in forty - five minutes , okay ? So , they have a whole lot of people really interested in getting this film made and put into as many film festivals as possible , where there are going to be a fucking ton of eyes from the industry on it . So it is big , and everyone wants in - think America 's Got Talent big . So they 're going to do a big mass audition , try to knock out as many as they can in one day . So the line they gave out for the actors to practice is ' This guy is falling for you . ' So get that shit stuck in your head , okay ? " " Charlie , kid , listen to me here . This shit needs to become your fucking life for the next few days , okay ? There 's a lot of people on this , and this could be big for us both . It 'll get you out of that librarian gig you 've got going on , and can seriously launch you into the fucking atmosphere in this city . You hear me ? Don 't fuck this up , kid . You got this . " Working with the various bars and clubs around his neighborhood , it had begun to have a decent following around his neighborhood . It was good practice for testing new character voices out , and paid enough to pay his third of the rent . Sometimes he 'd even make enough to cover the cost of an Uber ride somewhere . The estimated time of arrival for his ride had been 7 minutes . It was 17 minutes in , and the GPS marker on the app had moved about half a block . Even after starting to walk towards the car , the marker seemed to keep the same distance from him . " Sir , sir - are you okay ? Oh my God , I am so sorry , I was looking for my Uber fare and , oh shit , oh my God … sir , are you okay ? Can you hear me ? Sir . What is your name ? " " Oh , no shit ? Hey , that 's my name too , man . Haha , wow , what are the odds of … oh , here , let me help you up . " " Yeah , I know , and so are you . We just said that . Listen man , I think you might have a concussion . Look , it 'd be real cool if we could just not have to call the cops or anything , you know ? I wasn 't serious about staring at my phone when I ran over you , because I wasn 't . There was a deer in the street . I couldn 't do nothing , man , it - " " No , dude , your name is Ismael , my name is Charlie . I 'm the one you were supposed to pick up , like 20 minutes ago . What the hell , man ? " " Sure thing Charlie . Hey , you mind if I stop to pick up some smokes ? This whole thing has been super stressful for me , and I 've got a bad heart , you know ? I don 't deal with this kind of stuff very well . " Man , it doesn 't seem like anyone is practicing lines or anything . Maybe I over - prepared . Maybe this is going to be easier than I thought - " Look , Charlie . We just had seven hundred and fifty - two people regurgitate to us the line we gave out the other day , and they all said it in their own special , unique way . We ended up choosing a 67 year old Korean man because he sang the line while playing a ukulele . Whatever , it is what it is . But man … you are literally the only person from today who not only got the line wrong … but damn , man , I think it might actually be better than what we had . " I got the line wrong . How did I get the line wrong ? I 've said it thousands of times , I 've written it down hundreds of times . What did I do wrong ? " Lucas , nobody is ever going to accept me on their set if this gets out . The kid who got the one line of an audition completely not - anywhere - close - whatsoever wrong . And on top of that , they probably thought I was confessing my undying love to Babbott 's kid ! What the fuck man ? " " Yeah , you 're probably right . But hey , it 's not like anyone 's gonna bring it up to you at work , right ? No talking in the library and all that good shit . " The pirate captain was happy , but grew restless . Time had become a bitter enemy , causing his body to deteriorate even more and his mind to grow cloudy . His feet hurt from walking the solid land , and he missed his majestic ship , and his faithful crew . And so life went on , and the long days turned into long months , and the long months turned into longer years . The pirate was lost in a world he did not love , left alone with no friend to share a bottle with , and no enemy to swing a sword at . The pirate captain was alone . He grew older , and weaker . His swords began to rust , and grew dull . His bottles lay strewn about his home , and his body regretted his heart 's decision . One day , the pirate decided he would not end this way . He would go out as a pirate should . He would do whatever necessary to right the wrongs , or wrong the rights , in his case . He stopped to sit at a bench , wiping the sweat from his brow with his shirt sleeve . He looked around for a forgotten bottle of rum . Alas , there was none to be found . He saw a young boy running back and forth , peeking between the legs of the adults to catch a glimpse of the parade through the throngs of people watching the festivities . " It 's the Queen 's Royal Navy , sir ! They 're back ! It took them 50 years , but they 've finally killed all the pirates ! The seas are free again ! " " I know you , old man . I once saved your life , and you repaid me with a ship and a thousand silver pieces . I have led my life in the hopes that I would cross paths with you again … " The old man looked at the young man , and saw nothing but the young boy from that day so long ago , before him . He had dreamt of crossing paths with the young boy again as well , but his heart was hurting , and not in the heartbroken way he had become so used to over the years , but rather a physical pain , this time . It stopped him from being able to express the words in his lungs . " … I lived every day of my life , and spent every last bit of silver I had because of you , trying to find you . When I ran out of money to fund my own ship and crew , I joined the Queen 's Royal Navy in the hopes that it would bring me to you … " The old pirate wanted nothing more than to reach out to the boy , to pat him on the shoulder , to thank him for finding him and giving him a last good memory to cherish on what was surely to be his last day on this earth . Perhaps he could ask the boy to send him out to sea , as a pirate should always be buried at sea … Sebastian continued . " And so , here we are , having killed every last pirate sailing the ocean , and the one I have been hunting my entire life has been here in my hometown . Wasting away ! A drunk and a fool , with no ship , no treasure , and a rusty pair of swords . " " And the old man had a wife , you say ? It figures she would have left him ! Who would want to lay by an old and dying pirate like this at night ! " He placed his good hand on the bench armrest , and pushed as hard as he could , raising himself from the bench to stand before the boy . A boy who was as tall , no , taller , than he was . But the old pirate had a bad back , and he was hunched over after spending so many years in his bed .

This is a sucker line for every writer . Almost everyone thinks that their life would make a great story but few of us live lives that are the stuff of great drama , and even less have material for its counterpart , great comedy . Still writers listen , at least for a few lines , because we are always looking for that great story . The caller was Candice , an old friend whose own life story actually was worth telling . A century ago , her family was among America 's richest but alcoholism had wracked every generation , dissipating the wealth until now it was nearly gone . I had known her through years of pristine sobriety and years of hard drinking and nothing in between . Now , here she was , sober and saying she had a great story . " What is it ? " I asked curtly . I was on a deadline and didn 't have time to chat . I knew she would never tell her own story and who knew if she could spot great material any better than the rest of us . " She 'll be in New York this weekend , " Candice shot back . " She wants to talk to a writer . Confidentially . When can you meet her ? " I hadn 't yet said that I would meet her . I snapped , " Two o ' clock , Friday . Figaro 's . " Figaro 's was a Greenwich Village café . I was already afraid that this rendezvous would turn out to be a waste of time but I had a three o ' clock meeting two blocks away . At that hour , Figaro 's would be fairly deserted and I had a side table that I sometimes used as an office cum cappuccino . I had three days to mull over the meeting , deciding whether or not to cancel it . But in the end , I knew I 'd show up . I was a writer , a sucker . Maybe this time . At two - fifteen , I was sipping a cappuccino and scribbling notes on a manuscript when she walked in . She looked in her early thirties , with auburn hair , aquamarine eyes , and was breathtakingly beautiful . She looked so perfect that it seemed hard to imagine that her life wasn 't also perfect but that gave me hope . Nobody 's was . She sat down and ordered an herbal tea as we made small talk about her trip to New York . She was even more beautiful close up but her eyes gave her away . Although large and soft , they revealed that they had probably seen a lot more life than thirty years worth . She asked me several questions about myself . I answered them all . She answered none of mine except her name . " Sherry . " Her story might be great but she didn 't seem ready to tell it . At three o ' clock I had to leave . I gave her my card and told her to call me if she ever wanted to talk . She stood up , blocking my exit . She whispered softly , " I 'm a sex addict . " Although her voice was a monotone , her eyes were alive and anxious . I thought of what Samuel Johnson had supposedly said two - hundred years ago : " People are only interested in sex and death . " I said that my address was on my card and that I would be there in two hours if she wanted to stop by . She had broached one of the two top hooks in history , and I was still a sucker . I got home early . She didn 't show . I was still on a deadline and ended up writing until dawn before finally finishing it and dropping into bed . An hour later , my buzzer rattled me awake . Sherry was at the door , armed with coffee and croissants . She wanted to talk . There were basically two kinds of books , I explained , those which make people think and learn , and those that make them feel and experience . History 's great books usually did both but most writers were lucky if they could accomplish just one . I wasn 't an academic . I dealt with emotions , feelings and experiences . I was a storyteller . For the next two hours she tried to slice up her life but she couldn 't find the right moment , the right place , to even begin . I told her that when I couldn 't write a beginning , I would write about whatever part that wanted to be put down on paper , the middle , the end , anything , just to get writing . This didn 't help . I remembered going through a similar experience once before , with someone who couldn 't get out her story either . But when she finally began , it turned into a gusher and was so impassioned that I revised almost nothing , afraid that I would flatten the story out . Instead , we basically published the taped transcripts because the story 's power was in those tapes , in the pain in her voice , and her story . I tried to remember my question that had started that torrent of words , hoping that it might work again , but I couldn 't think of what it was . My cassette recorder clicked and I replaced the tape with another . Sherry got concerned that I would run out of tapes before she said anything worth hearing . I assured her that I had plenty of tapes . I tried to keep her on the story . " What was the worst moment of you life ? " I asked . I was losing hope . " What moment was a turning point in your life ? That when you look back at it now , you realize that it changed you forever . " I remember that I was crying so hard that I couldn 't pack my suitcase . All I knew was that I couldn 't stay in Rosebud for one more minute . But I had nowhere to go . So I decided to go see my mother . The last thing I knew about her , from years before , was that she was living somewhere in Southern California . I had no idea if she was still there but California seemed as good a place to go as anywhere else . Besides , I had a lifetime of questions that I wanted to ask her and I was badly in need of some answers , any answers . My tears had blurred my vision so much that I had stuffed my suitcase too full of clothes and it wouldn 't close . I grabbed a handful , flung them on the floor and then jammed the case shut . From a bookshelf , I snatched up the only two mementos I had of my mother , a book of poems and an old black - and - white picture . I stuffed them into my purse and then stumbled blindly out of my room , out of that house and out of that town , forever . My car hadn 't been running that well and I wasn 't sure that it would make it to California but I figured I 'd drive it until it died and then decide what to do . I headed south on the county road . I was still crying so hard that I could barely see and rounding a turn I crossed the line and nearly hit a truck head on . My hands were shaking so much that I could barely hold on to the wheel but I was afraid to stop on that deserted road . Somehow , I finally made it to the Interstate and then a strange thing happened . Instead of turning west toward California , I headed east . My theory was that I didn 't have a clue where my mother was but that I had an address in New York for Elaine , my mother 's childhood friend . I decided that I would go to New York and ask Elaine if she had my mother 's address , and then I wouldn 't have to waste a lot of time looking for her once I got to California . It didn 't occur to me to just turn west and simply call Elaine from the roadside cafe . Maybe I wasn 't yet ready to meet my mother . I didn 't know . I just knew that I wasn 't thinking very clearly . I was still crying and tried to think of some distraction to make me stop . Could I actually cry my tear ducts dry ? How much could someone cry ? Pints , quarts , a gallon ? I glanced down at my damp dress and wondered if I were to wring it out would there be a puddle ? The thought of wringing tears out of a black satin dress that I had worn on what was to have been the greatest night of my life made me cry even harder . Some truck driver assured me that some highway at a nearby exit would take me straight over to the Interstate that would take me straight down to New York City and that I couldn 't possibly get lost . I proved him wrong several times . I tried to navigate a maze of scenic roads lined with pines or evergreens or other green - tinted landscape that always seemed to narrow into a one - lane road before coming to a dead end . I finally found a wide blacktop road that looked promising and turned to what I hoped was in the direction of New York City . My car began sputtering . I floored the accelerator , hoping to get over the next hill and coast down into some town . But the car was dying quickly . As if it might help , I began reciting more quickly , " So huge , so hopeless to conceive , as these that twice befell . Parting is all we know of heaven , and all we need of hell . " The car coasted to a stop as I stared up at an insurmountable hill . I didn 't know whether or not I had proven some scientific experiment but I just couldn 't cry anymore . I literally had no tears left . After a while , a young couple pedaled by on their bikes and promised to send some help . Almost an hour later , I was still stranded and had to pee so badly that I couldn 't stand it anymore . Naturally , as soon as I ducked behind a bush and dropped my jeans , a tow truck rumbled over the hill . A guy jumped out and headed over to my car as I crouched lower in the bushes , hoping he wouldn 't see me fertilizing the weeds . " I 'll be there in a minute , " I called out . Like I was supposed to know ? " It stopped . " Through the brush , I could see that he was very handsome . But I was definitely not interested . " Can 't say yet , " he replied , " but we do have the lowest rates in the county . " As I stepped around the bushes , he glanced at me and whispered , " for someone like you . " He apparently hadn 't noticed that I looked like hell . The closer I got to him , the more gorgeous he got , tall with dark hair and piercing dark eyes that seemed like they could look through you . I knew I was attracted to him but that was the last thing I needed . I certainly didn 't trust any feelings I might have and I absolutely wasn 't going to get involved with anyone in the middle of nowhere . I 'd just come from nowhere and I wasn 't going back . But I did give him my best smile , hoping it might lower the price . He glanced as his shirt pocket , on which was sewn , Larry . " It 's Paul , actually . Larry had a wedding today so I 'm helping out my old boss . I used to work summers for him when I was in school . " Paul added , " I 'm actually a lawyer . " I didn 't believe him but I figured that didn 't matter . I just wanted to get my car fixed and to get out of there . But he was so attractive that , even though I tried to stare at the engine , I couldn 't stop staring at him . He was having the same problem . Our eyes locked , as he asked , " You believe in destiny ? " Again , I didn 't answer , fearful and horrified by what was happening . I had never experienced anything like it before . We kept leaning closer together and suddenly I wondered what it would be like to kiss him . I tried to pull back but our faces kept getting closer . What are you doing , Sherry ? I thought . What is he doing ? He must have wondered the same thing because just as it seemed like our lips were about to touch , he hesitated , then pulled back and quickly turned away while laughing nervously . I got into the Grand Am and turned the key . The engine groaned but wouldn 't start . Paul motioned for me to stop and then slammed down the hood . " You 're timing has slipped , " he said , " You 're going to need a tow . " Paul hitched my car to his tow truck and I climbed into his cab , dirty with oil smudges on the doors and an ash tray full of cigarette butts . I tried to edge away from the oil smudges but they seemed to be everywhere . After a bit , he pulled over and stopped . I glanced nervously at him . I shrugged . " Not really . Actually , I 'd planned to go to California by way of New York . " He looked at me . I laughed . " I know it doesn 't make much sense . " " I 'm going to see my mother , " I explained . " Right after I was born my father died in an accident . My mother ran away to Los Angeles and left me with her brother and sister . I had hoped to try and find her but I guess I can 't face her yet . " I shook my head . " Talked to her once when I was ten . I 'd found her number and called and asked to come live with her . She promised to call me back but she never did . " " That 's sad . " I didn 't really want his sympathy and regretted that I had told him . " I was sort of abandoned , too , " he added . " My father left home when I was thirteen and my mother was usually too sick to be much of a mom . That 's why I came back here , to take care of her . Everyone had pretty much given up on her . The doctors had performed test after test , trying to figure out what was wrong with her . When they couldn 't , they began to think it was psychosomatic . But if you looked at her , you could see she was in excruciating pain . It was obvious , at least to me , that she was dying . So I brought her home and threatened legal action if they didn 't give her morphine . She finally passed away last year and during the autopsy , they discovered that she had died of two cancers so rare that they don 't even keep statistics on them . " Paul shook his head . " I called my old law firm but the guy who hired me has left and no one seemed to know me . I don 't want to start all over again . Besides I like it here . " " Then you can type ? Work a computer ? " I nodded and Paul smiled broadly and leaned in even closer . " Then I just might have a job for you right in Oak Grove . " Again , he looked like he was about to kiss me , and suddenly , I lost it . " No way , " I snapped , twisting away from him . " I 've had it with one - church towns . " Paul looked down at the village with its lone church steeple towering above it . He shrugged . " Hey , we 've only got one church . Okay , listen , I 'll fix your car and throw in the labor for free . Then you can leave , or I 'll tell you my proposal . " That afternoon , while Paul repaired my car , I sipped coffee in the local café as the locals gossiped . Oak Grove appeared to be a quaint little hamlet that enjoyed a certain amount of tourism , mostly fishermen , and New Yorkers who occasionally built vacation homes on the nearby lake . The locals debated the wisdom of allowing such city folk within their midst . As the coffee - and - pie crowd gave way to the dinner crowd , Paul came in to announce that my car was running fine . Despite his offer of free labor , the parts alone pretty much emptied my purse . Paul seemed fine with doing the talking and moved on to his childhood . Paul 's father had been a purchasing manager for a factory in Sparta , the largest nearby town , and often worked late with his secretary . The day after the factory closed , Paul 's father and his secretary disappeared and hadn 't been heard from since . Paul then got around to the dreaded subject , me . I mentioned that Rosebud was a village about the size of Oak Grove . Since Paul had just regaled me with the joys of small town living , I wondered about voicing my opinion that small towns bred small people with small minds exchanging small talk about others , usually putting them down to make themselves just a little bit bigger . Instead , I stuck to the facts . I nodded . " They were like a married couple without the marriage . My uncle worked and my aunt stayed home and cooked and cleaned for him and kept the house . After a while they just got used to it , I guess , and so did everyone else . She always told everyone at church that I was the burden who kept her from meeting and marrying a nice man , the burden that was going to get her a higher place in heaven when she finally moved on . That never made any sense to me , " I noted . " I mean , if heaven is this perfect place what difference does it make if you are a couple of notches higher ? " During dinner , the fiery sunset turned into lovely soft moonlight that was very romantic . I felt myself falling hard for Paul . But how could I ? Less than twenty - four hours before wasn 't I deeply in love with another man , pledging to spend the rest of my life with him ? Could I fall out of love that quickly and back into love with another guy ? How could I ? I pushed these thoughts out of my mind and tried to just enjoy this lovely moment with Paul . As Paul sipped his coffee , he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his sports coat . Despite the cigarette butts in the tow truck 's ashtray , I hadn 't seen Paul smoke before . He noticed me eying the pack . " You mind ? I 'm trying to quit . But I love having one with a cup of coffee after a great meal . " " I think I have one , " I offered . I rifled through my purse and my small book with the tattered picture spilled out onto the floor . Paul retrieved them and studied the picture of the two smiling teen girls lying on a riverbank . " My mother and her best friend , Elaine , " I explained . He read the book 's title : Robert Louis Stevenson 's , A Child 's Garden of Verses . " Apparently my mother loved poetry , like me , " I added . " Sometimes , I still say those poems to cheer myself up . " I laughed and replied , " And what can be the use of him is more than I can see . " People at the next table had begun staring at us . " Is that all you know ? " I asked " You 're not , " Paul insisted . " I 'm offering . It 's really perfect timing . My secretary left on Friday for her vacation . " He leaned in closer and again I experienced that feeling I 'd had that afternoon when I thought he was going to kiss me . Paul must have felt it too since he stood up , insisting , " I can 't take this anymore . " He took me into his arms and began dancing across the terrace , weaving between the tables . I couldn 't believe he was doing this ? Wasn 't he embarrassed ? Was he insane ? But I was following him as best I could while mentioning , " There 's no music . " He began humming " I Could Have Danced All Night " and waltzed me back across the terrace . Other diners stared incredulously at us but Paul didn 't seem to care . " They already think we 're crazy , " he reminded me . He built to a crescendo and then picked me up , spinning me around while he gave me a long luxurious kiss . I was thankful that he was literally sweeping me off my feet since I was sure that my knees would be buckling . It was intoxicating . The day had just seemed so romantic . Paul seemed so romantic . Despite my misgivings about these sudden reversals in my love life , I just couldn 't help falling head over heels in love with Paul . It was almost literally head over heels as he sidestepped a waiter , tripped on a chair and we nearly went over the terrace railing . Paul just laughed , bent me backward and kissed me again . Paul called his aunt who said that I would be most welcome . On the way to her house , as he kissed at each red light , I realized that I didn 't know Paul 's last name . " Manning , " he informed me . " Paul Michael Manning , Esquire , at your service , Mademoiselle . " Immediately , to see how it felt , like a schoolgirl , I thought to myself , Mrs . Paul Manning . Mrs . Sherry Manning . It felt so childish but I didn 't care . By the time , we pulled up at his aunt 's lovely home on a peaceful tree - lined street , I didn 't want the night to end . I wanted to be with Paul forever . The door opened and behind the screen stood a sixtyish , heavyset woman with gray hair and a round face with large , sparkling eyes above a broad smile . Arlene invited Paul in for a cup of tea but he declined , saying that he would pick us both up at 7 : 45 a . m . Arlene led me into her cozy kitchen with its early American décor and we shared a cup of raspberry tea . She set two towels and a washcloth on the bed . " Well , I 'll let you get to bed . Paul said you didn 't get much last night . " She cut me off , saying , " - Not me . I 'm headed for bed . " She walked to the door and then paused as if she had been waiting all evening to mention something . " Was Paul right about you loving poetry ? " " You might if Paul has his way . " She smiled slyly again . " For four years now , everyone in town thinks I play bridge in Sparta every Thursday . But actually , I 've been taking a poetry - writing course at the junior college . " She laughed . " I have this dream that after I 've dead , my poems will be discovered and published . " She shook her head again . " When I 'm dead , Dear , when I 'm dead . " She smiled . " But I 've longed to share that secret for years . Thank you . " I glanced at a side table . On it was a picture of a young boy about ten who looked like Paul , proudly holding up a big fish . I picked up the picture and held it to my chest , embracing it . But I felt an old unwanted feeling coming over me . Relax , Sherry , I told myself . Don 't do anything you 'll regret . I took a deep breath and paced around the room , trying to control this horrible urge inside me . You know better , Sherry , I reminded myself . Don 't ruin this . I grabbed my suitcase and opened it . My clothes were still jammed inside from my quick escape from Rosebud . Trying to control myself , I meticulously took out each piece , straightened them and placed them neatly inside the oak dresser . Then I pulled out a very short , low cut dress . I stared at it , pleading to myself , Don 't , Sherry . Please ! But I knew that , once again , I would . I flung the dress on the bed and pulled off my sweater , telling myself , as I had so many times before , Just this once more ! I donned the dress and rushed into the bathroom to make myself up . I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible . While applying eyeliner , I kept telling myself that this was the last time . The very last time ! I walked several blocks along the deserted main street to the garage and got into my Grand Am . I then headed out of town passed the sign informing me that Sparta was twelve more miles . Sparta had none of the charm of Oak Grove and appeared to be an old manufacturing center but now its two main factories were darkened like two black eyes at the edge of town . I stopped at a Quick Mart for a pack of cigarettes and learned that the only bar still open was the Depot at the far end of town . As I got into my car , I lit a cigarette and inhaled hard , hoping to die of cancer right there and do myself and the world a favor . But it didn 't happen , so I squealed out onto the street . The Depot was an old train station with high cantilever ceilings , photos of old trains adorning walls and a deafening sound system that played non - stop rock music . I slowly elbowed my way up to the bar hoping that some guy might notice me . Before anyone did , the bartender noticed me and I tried to yell above the music that I wanted a beer . There were about ten guys for every girl so it wasn 't long before several guys began hovering around me . A tall , chubby guy nudged up to me . He was wearing a T - shirt that proclaimed I 'm Party Trained and looked like he had already drunk more than his share of beers . He didn 't even bother to try talking above the music but simply pulled me on the dance floor . There was nothing really special about him , except that he was the first to dance with me and I was in a hurry . He lead me to the side of the dance floor , which was apparently on the route of several barmaids , all of whom he seemed to know and they managed to keep the stream of beers flowing our way without us having to leave the dance floor . Occasionally , a tiny little thing in an even tinier outfit came by with a tray of shots and he never let her pass us by without us knocking back a couple filled with some unspecified liquor that seemed to go straight from my mouth to my head . After a few I thought I was might get sick but I wasn 't sure if it was from the shots or the situation . There were brief moments of relief from the throbbing beat , during which my dance partner told me his name and chatted warmly about himself . I immediately forgot his name and didn 't think it was only because of the drinking . I didn 't want to remember his name . I didn 't want to remember my name . I knocked back another shot . We stumbled outside into the dimly - lit parking lot and he led me toward his pickup , saying , " What say we take a little ride to someplace a bit quieter ? " He smiled wickedly . " Like my place . " We got into his truck and he pulled me close to him , giving me a wet , boozy kiss . He started the engine but I didn 't want to go anywhere with him . I didn 't want anything but to get rid of the horrible urge inside of me as quickly as possible . I began unzipping his pants . I was , and within a minute I had him out of his pants and was working on him . As soon as he was hard , I flung off my panties and got on top of him . But I wasn 't giving him one thought . I was imagining myself making love to Paul , on our honeymoon somewhere on some Caribbean Island . Even though it seemed crazy , this was what I thinking , that I was making love to Paul . " Hey , what about me ? " he protested , adding , " You forgot these ! " He threw the panties at me as I jumped into my car , locking the doors . But he didn 't pursue me . Instead He wheeled around toward the truck , saying , " Wham , bam . Thank you , Ma ' am . " I sped all the way back to Oak Grove , as if somehow that might put what I 'd done behind me faster . But instead , I carried it with me , knowing that my transgression was so stupid , that Arlene was sure to tell Paul and I would have to come up with some lie . I hated having to lie to Paul , and I hated myself and my life . When I got to Arlene 's house , I rushed up the stairs . As I passed by her bedroom , I saw her light go on . I rushed into my room and closed the door . She didn 't come in after me . I showered , trying futilely to wash off the shame . Then I put on a prim black dress and went down to face Arlene . I wanted to talk to her before Paul arrived , hoping to somehow put last night behind us . I planned to tell her that I went out for a pack of cigarettes and got lost and that was why it took me long . But when I got down to the kitchen , she had coffee , toast and eggs on the table for me and never said a word . Not one word . This was the same woman who never seemed to stop talking the night before . Now she was coldly silent as she watched a Sunday morning news show on a small TV on the counter . When a commercial came on , I said feebly , " Sorry about waking you last night . I went out to get a pack of cigarettes and got lost . That was why I took so long . " My voice was shaky . Since Paul sang in the choir , he sat at the side of the altar while Arlene and I sat together in the third pew . During the service , her elbow accidentally brushed against me and , as if I were a leper , she actually moved a foot away from me crowding the others in the pew . If Paul noticed it , he didn 't say anything and kept giving me smiles during and between hymns . After the service , Paul was still all smiles as we walked out of church . He greeted the Reverend and several parishioners . As we walked down the steps , he glanced at Aunt Arlene and said , " I think we have a new convert . " " I wouldn 't be too sure , " she retorted . It was the first complete sentence she had uttered since the night before . Paul ignored her comment and asked me , " How would you like to see the most beautiful spot in the county ? " An hour later , Paul returned bearing a lunch basket and drove me to a narrow tree - lined lane . He parked and then led me down a dirt path through a dense thicket of trees of various shades of green until they opened onto a lovely clearing with a sandy beach lining the crystal blue water of Serene Lake that glinted with specks of bright sunlight . I admired the breathtaking surroundings as Paul set down the basket and spread out a blanket . Paul took my hand and led me back toward the trees , until he stopped and turned around . " What the heck , " he said , " just for fun . " He picked me up and carried me for a big step before setting me down . " We just crossed the front door 's threshold . Actually , it 's probably the back door since I think the front door should be facing the water . " Paul smiled and then spread out a blanket on the future front porch , opened a bottle of expensive - looking wine and poured me a glass . It quickly made me light - headed , partly due to my lack of sleep but also due to the situation . Paul lay down on the blanket and motioned for me to lie next to him . My arm brushed against his and his warmth felt intoxicating . I wanted to say that I thought it wasn 't any of my business and vice versa but I hesitated too long and Paul said , " Judy Hastings , after the senior prom when we were both blasted . We 'd waited three years for it and when it ended up being a backseat bang , we were both so embarrassed , we never spoke again . " He looked silently down toward the ground and then sipped his wine . He spread pâté on a cracker and handed it to me , brushing against my arm . " I always thought I was unlucky with women . " His eyes met mine . " Now I think I just hadn 't met the right one . " Paul laughed . " Okay , I bore my soul . Tell me about your loves . " He held up his hands . " You don 't have to discuss consummation . Who was first ? " I laughed , too . " Okay , I loved being the fastest runner on the field , being the top scorer , being the best . I loved being the star . Does that make sense ? " " Sherry Johnson , " he said softly , " woman of mystery . " Paul didn 't press it . " One day , I guess we will just have to see how good you are , Star , but , " he good - naturedly flicked his finger across my nose , as if scolding me , " now , don 't change the subject . " Paul refilled our wine glasses and glanced around . " I think we need some scientific procedure . " He plucked a daisy and began pulling off the petals . " She loves me . She loves me not . She loves me . She loves me not . " He kept going until he was down to " She loves me not " but he only had two petals left . Paul ripped them both off , crying triumphantly , " She loves me ! " He leaned over and kissed me . His embrace lowered me backward onto the blanket as he kept our lips locked . Paul slid his hand to the side of my breast . I wanted so badly for him to take me right there . Amidst the beauty of that lakeside , I wanted him to make beautiful love to me . But I was worried about what he would think of me . Instead , my arm locked his hand at my side . " Let 's wait , " I said . Instead we spent the afternoon , enjoying the wonderful lunch of cheeses , fruits , French bread , local delicacies and a wonderful crème brulee that Paul claimed he had prepared himself . We fed each other grapes and strawberries , held hands and kissed chastely like school children . Then we walked along the lake and Paul told me of the history of Serene Lake . After admiring a breathtaking sunset that seemed to shoot flames across the sky , Paul took me to his favorite restaurant , Pete 's Takeout Pizza , a small dive near the beach . The place only had one eat - in table in the corner that we crowded into it and feasted on Pete 's Poppin ' Toppin 's , which was about three inches of everything that seemed possible to put on a pizza as well as some things that seemed impossible . It was delicious . My bliss soon ended when I went inside and had to face Arlene . She was in the parlor , ironing a blouse and didn 't acknowledge my presence . " Good evening , " I said , trying very hard to sound pleasant . I sat down on the sofa near her , trying to be polite . " I really do like Paul , a lot . And I like you , too . Arlene set down the iron and gave me a hard look . " Don 't try to sweet talk me , Missy . Did he tell you about his lovely little fiancé ? She stayed with me once , and she 'd sneak out at night , too . I tried to warn Paul but he didn 't hear a word . She finally broke his heart , just like you will . " " No , " I said . " I don 't want that . " I started to say that I loved him . I did but I didn 't think she would understand . I wanted , needed , desperately to tell her how much I cared for Paul and how I never wanted to do anything to hurt him . She headed for the stairs . But I didn 't want to be alone , afraid of what I might do . " Please stay with me . " I was all but begging her but Arlene just kept climbing the stairs , ignoring me . " Please ! Damnit ! " I blurted out angrily . I was mortified by my outburst . " I 'm sorry , " I said softly . " I just - " I couldn 't find the words . " I 'm not the person you think I am . " I was hurt and angry that she didn 't believe me and knew that I had to get out of there . But I also knew that if I left , I would regret it . You are not the girl she thinks you are , I tried to convince myself . I really didn 't know if I was or wasn 't but I knew that if I could just somehow manage to stay there , then I wouldn 't be . Don 't go out , I kept telling myself . Don 't do anything you 'll regret , Sherry . I told myself that I was so angry at Arlene for not believing me that I needed to go out for some fresh air and some cigarettes . Right , Sherry . Fresh air and cigarettes , that makes perfect sense . Don 't do it ! But I knew that I would , like I always did . Just this once , I told myself , this really is the last time . I quickly changed into tight jeans and a low - cut top while loathing myself for going out again . You are sick , Sherry . You 're crazy . This has to be the last time . I quickly drove into Sparta , wanting to get back to Arlene 's as soon as possible , hopefully , before she missed me . Also , I needed some sleep . I wanted to make a good impression on my first day working for Paul . I was afraid I didn 't have the skills to be a legal secretary as it was . I didn 't need to also be working on no sleep and hung over as well . I stopped at a convenience store and bought a pack of cigarettes . I sat in my car , chain - smoking until I saw a cute guy walking up to the counter armed with several six - packs of beer . As he headed out , I jumped out and rushed to open the door for him . I smiled sweetly , saying " You look thirsty . " " So follow me in your car , and if you don 't like it , you can leave . Okay ? " He popped a beer and gave it to me . I hesitated . I was sure that he thought I was flirting , playing hard to get but I was truly hesitant . Of course , I shouldn 't go . But it was too late for that . If I didn 't go with him , it would only be with someone else . Just get it over with , I thought . " All right , " I said , swigging the beer . Before the end of the first block I had already finished the beer . He stopped several blocks away and we got out . It wasn 't hard to see where he was a headed , as a large white house on the corner was blasting out loud music and several people were hanging out on the front porch . As we walked toward the door , we passed a lanky drunk working on a young blonde with teased - up hair . He turned to us . " Connors , my boy . It looks like you picked up more than beer . " He grabbed my arm . " Hey , baby ? You 're passing by the best thing at this party . " Inside , I was introduced to our host , a short guy with curly hair named Nick Rogers . He relieved us of our bounty but not before my new friend grabbed a six pack for us . We drank and danced for a few songs and then stopped to do a couple of shots . Finally , he introduced himself . " I 'm Scott . " We found an empty bedroom and went inside . It was dark with only a dim side lamp near the bed . Several jackets were piled on the bed . We pushed some jackets to the side and sat on others . Although we were supposedly there to talk , neither one of us said a word . Within minutes , we were having sex . I tried to imagine making love to Paul but I was too disgusted with myself . Instead , I just wanted it over so I could rush out of there . There was a soft knock on the door and a thin , young man wearing glasses cracked it open , holding his hand over his eyes . " Sorry , but I think I left my jacket in here . I won 't look . " I knew I should have been grabbing my clothes but instead I just lay there , mortified . This guy came in with his eyes shut , groping around the bed for his jacket . Scott jumped up and pulled on his pants . The guy finally grabbed his jacket as Scott grabbed his arm . " Hey , Bri . Wait a minute . This is Sherry . " Scott turned to me . " Sherry . This is Brian . " He never said a word but my voice said , " Come here . " He sat down next to me . He seemed to also have mixed emotions about this , and I thought we would be there all night if I left it up to him . I put his hand on my breast and my hand on his crotch . I seemed almost frightened but probably felt that if he didn 't do something , they would accuse him of being gay . Or may he just rightfully despised me . But soon , I had his clothes off and there I was having sex again . After a little while , a fist slammed on the door and someone demanded , " Hey , Ross . Hurry up . I 'm next , Goddamn it . " It was that guy , Tex , who had been on the front porch . Brian immediately stopped and put on his clothes . This began a long , horribly humiliating procession of guys , so many that I couldn 't count them . After each one I wanted to get up and dive out the window , hoping I would break my neck . But instead , I stayed . I wanted this night to be beyond horrible , to somehow convince me to never to do this again . I didn 't want to get hurt because if Paul saw bruises , he would ask questions that I couldn 't answer . But I did want it to be bad . Instead , I drove back to Arlene 's house as quickly as I could . Gratefully , she wasn 't up yet . I didn 't bother to even try to sleep . My whole body ached , every bone , every muscle . I got into the shower and futilely tried to wash the pain and shame and anguish down the drain . After brushing my teeth for about fifteen minutes , I finally managed to put on some clothes and tried to make myself look presentable . When I got downstairs , Arlene again didn 't say a word to me , but seemed engrossed in some morning TV news show . The kitchen had a warm tasty aroma and I knew that Arlene had made herself breakfast but she had obviously already done the dishes , as the kitchen was spotless . I poured myself a cup of coffee and drank it greedily , trying to dull my throbbing headache . I would have loved a couple of aspirins but even I wasn 't crazy enough to ask Arlene if she had any . Paul then spent the day instructing me on the intricacies of typing contracts and wills and agreements . I was so exhausted and hung over that I couldn 't concentrate and keep making the same mistakes over and over again but Paul was patient and we finally made it through the day . He offered to take me out to dinner but I told him that I felt like I was coming down with a cold and that I probably should just go back to Arlene 's and rest . He agreed . I told Arlene the same story and went up to my room and without even bothering to remove my clothes , I fell exhausted on the bed . I slept straight through until Paul came to pick me up the following morning . Worried that I might be sick , he suggested that I stay home from work but I couldn 't face a day with Arlene and after thirteen hours of sleep , I actually felt pretty good . We went out for a quiet , lovely dinner that night and Paul was a perfect gentleman and brought me home early . Arlene was still giving me the silent treatment but I was in love with Paul and so happy that I didn 't even mind . I felt the urge to go out and , as crazy as it seemed , to be with some other guy so I could fantasize that I was making love to Paul . But the horror of that previous Sunday night reminded me that I never wanted to do anything like that again . I hoped that I would always feel that way . Instead I took a long luxurious bath and went to bed hoping that I would dream of Paul . " I can 't believe how quickly you 've picked this up , " he said . " You could be a great a legal secretary , if you wanted . " He gave me a smile . " Provided you don 't find something better to do with your life . " Paul put a " Closed " sign on the door and we walked outside . " The beauty of a small town practice , " he said , " is that everything can wait until tomorrow . Let 's got for swim . " When I protested that I didn 't have a swimsuit , Paul drove me to a nearby shop and bought me one . Then we headed for the lake , passing by a practice field where several young boys were kicking around a soccer ball . When a carrot - haired boy scored a goal , Paul stopped and cried out , " Nice one , Jim . You 're looking good , Guys . " As we drove away , Paul told me , " Our middle school couldn 't afford a coach , so I offered . I can 't wait until the day when I am a soccer dad . " He glanced at me . " That reminds me of our challenge . " When we arrived at the beach , Paul grabbed a soccer ball from his trunk and soon we were racing across the sand . When I tried to dribble past him , he intercepted the ball . So I charged him and stole it back . As he was about to intercept it again , I kicked it between Paul 's legs and dashed around him . That really angered him . As he was about to catch me , rather than let him win the ball again , I kicked it into the lake . We both dived into the water , and instead of the ball , we accidentally grabbed each other and ended up kissing as the ball drifted away . After this wonderful , lazy afternoon , Paul decided that I needed to learn his favorite hobby . As the setting sun sprinkled sparks across the water , we fished off a nearby pier . He baited my hook and I sat patiently with my pole , just happy to be near Paul . Suddenly , my pole bent forward and a fish leaped from the water . " It 's days like this that I love it here , " he said . " If I was still on Wall Street , I 'd be working until eight every night . But then again , I 'd be in New York , which has a little more to offer than Oak Grove . " He looked reflective and then said , " I think I miss Wall Street more . It 's something about toiling in secret for weeks on a deal . Then when it makes headlines around the world , I could say , ' I worked on that . ' " He looked up and said , " I 'm bored with me . Tell me about your dreams . " My dream is to marry you , Paul , I thought , and to have lots of your kids . I didn 't have the courage to say that though , afraid that he would think I was too forward . Instead , I admitted , " I haven 't had that many . " I slapped his shoulder , a little embarrassed . " Hey , you asked . Then I wanted to be a school teacher . I figured that if I taught any kids who were really unhappy , I 'd try to help them . " I thought for a second and then admitted , " I guess , maybe , I still have that dream . " After such a wondrous day with Paul , I was afraid of what I might do if he left me alone . So I offered , " How about if I take you to dinner . At the cheapest place in town . " Paul took me to the home that he had grown up in and where he still lived . It didn 't look like it had been redecorated since he was a boy and I half - expected his parents to walk in on us . Instead , Paul prepared our fish while I cut up vegetables and tossed a salad . Paul 's expertise in the kitchen was evident . " Where did you learn to cook ? " " From cookbooks , " he said . " With my dad gone and my mom sick , someone had to put a meal on the table . " He glanced at my salad with an approving look , announcing , " Dinner is ready . " We enjoyed the lovely candlelit meal and a bottle of expensive wine . I only sipped my glass , knowing what I was capable of when I had drunk too much . Paul polished off one glass and then poured himself another , noticing my nearly full glass . Gratefully , Paul didn 't pursue this and asked me about my love of poetry . So I dazzled him with my wealth of worthless information on the subject . " I bet you don 't even know how many words in the English language have no rhymes ? " He sang the chorus and on the next verse he played with more rhythm . We got up began dancing as I sang harmony on the verses and joined him on the chorus . Afterward , we laughed and applauded ourselves . Paul offered , " We make great music together . " He sat down his guitar and kissed me . For the next two hours , we kept on singing , dancing and kissing . If Paul had tried to do more than kiss , I don 't think I could have stopped him . I was so in love with him . But Paul remained a perfect gentleman , only kissing and hugging me endlessly before finally taking me back to his aunt 's . Inside , I went straight up to bed without even bothering to talk to Arlene . I managed to keep myself from going out by constantly masturbating until I was sore . I didn 't care . I never wanted to do anything again that might hurt Paul or our relationship . Paul told me that the band 's best singer was his best friend . " You should get to know him . " Paul smiled . " He 's going to be the best man at my wedding . " That Friday night , Paul and I headed into Sparta to meet his friend at a karaoke bar . " We might have to coax him into singing , " Paul explained . " He was too shy to sing lead in the band so he ended up be the world 's best backup singer . " The friend turned around with a big smile until he saw me and then it quickly vanished . He looked vaguely familiar but I couldn 't remember where I might have seen him . My stomach tightened in fear . Brian just stared coldly at me and then it hit me . He was the guy who had been looking for his jacket at that party the night I had decided to do all those guys to humiliate myself and stop doing it forever . I couldn 't believe my terrible luck . Of all the guys in the world , he had to be Paul 's best friend . Brian continued to silently stare at me . I wasn 't even sure that I could speak . My insides felt twisted up to my throat . I finally managed to smile and utter , " Hi , Brian . It 's nice to meet you . " " Well , let 's have a drink , " Paul suggested and quickly bought a round . We sat down at a table near the stage . Unlike the times with Paul when I had barely sipped my glass , I began staying with Paul drink for drink , petrified that at any moment Brian would tell Paul about our sick tryst . But Brian wasn 't saying much of anything . Paul told Brian how we had met and how doing a good deed was being repaid by changing his life . When we were alone , Brian seemed to be mulling over what to say . I hoped it was about which song to sing but I knew I was wrong . He finally snapped , " What are you doing ? " I grabbed his arm . " Look , that wasn 't me , " I tried to explain . That part I truly believed was true . Then I began lying . " Some one put some drug in my beer . " I attempted a sweet smile . " I didn 't want you to know that I started smoking again . I mean buying them . I met Brian in line at the Quick Mart . Right , Brian ? Paul couldn 't believe it . " What ? It 's because I want you to sing , right ? All right , you don 't have to . But it 's not like you 've never been on a stage before . " Dumbfounded , Paul watched Brian leave . He turned to me . " Sorry about that . But don 't worry about it . Brian gets a little moody now and then . " " I didn 't , " Paul replied . " He just called this morning and said that he wanted to get together . I guess he 's trying to make up for being so rude last night . " How I wished that were true but I knew that it wasn 't ! I flashed anger at Brian . He was trying to take my Paul away from me . I wanted go along , to stop Brian from telling Paul but before I could say anything Paul gave me a quick kiss , promised to pick me up at seven and was out the door . I turned to see Arlene entering the room . She had seen Paul kissing me . She gave me the cold stare that Brian had in the karaoke bar . I ran out the door . I started out for Sparta filled with misgivings , not even sure that I should waste Paul 's money on a dress that I would probably never wear . But I figured that I couldn 't let on that I knew what Brian was going to say . I would just have to lie to Paul and tell him that Brian had been mistaken , that it wasn 't me . I thought about admitting the truth , of trying to convince Paul that I truly loved him and that I would never do anything like that ever again . That might do it . Yes , if he really loved me , that just might work . I tried not to think about Brian and Paul as I wandered though Sparta 's only mall . I found a lovely small dress shop with a beautiful black dress . But I couldn 't buy it , afraid that I would look like I was going to a funeral . I considered buying a white dress but was afraid that this might also be a little too much . Finally , I found one that I thought might work , beige and very prim looking .

I returned to the reservation feeling free . I was safe and sound physically . Mentally I needed help . I dove head first into a new world of self medicating . I spent my life till then trying to adjust myself to fit in whatever situation I was in , but never really feeling like I fit in . I knew I wasn 't normal . I knew my life wasn 't normal . The drugs provided an escape . There is no such thing as normal when you are high and I found this to be irresistible . When I was stoned , I was just stoned . I wasn 't the girl who was abandoned by her mother , or the girl who was molested , or the girl who watched her mother get raped . The weight of hiding my memories disappeared , because I was empty inside and there was no place to keep them . I partied with my cousins and fought with my aunt and uncle . My aunt and uncle treated me just like their own children , and I behaved no differently . I snuck out like my cousins , lied , stole and received my share of punishments along with them . My aunt used a long wooden rod to deliver punishment . She use to line us up if we were caught together and dish out the blows one person at a time . It was always worse if you were the last to get hit . The waiting and anticipation was torture ! Native Americans like to punish their children , we even have a specific holiday every year for it . It 's called River Man Day in English . May 3rd all the children in each household will go outside in front of their house and dance and throw blessed corn meal while we wait for the River Men . The River Men are covered in mud , dressed in rags and have a hood covering their head . The only part of their face that is visible is their mouth and it 's full of sharp jagged teeth ! When the River Men come , they ask your parents if you have been good . Your parents ALWAYS say that you have not been . Then you are picked up in one swift motion and hauled away while you scream your head off . You are taken to the river , where you are told you will be thrown in and drowned . Eventually other relatives chase after you and rescue you . The entire thing is a ruse to scare you into behaving in the future . It 's quite frightening . The more time I spent high , the less time I spent in class . I use to get high before I got on the school bus in the morning . Once I got to school , I would ditch with my friends and drink and smoke all day . I would sober up enough to get back on the bus to go home . Once home , I would spend the rest of the afternoon hiding in my room so no one would know I was drunk . At night , me and my cousin would take turns jumping out the window and getting stoned on the side of the house while the other was the lookout . When I did go to class , I found the work to be easy and it bored me . I use to be a straight " A " student and I was in honor classes . My new school offered free birth control in the nurse 's office , day care for the girls who forgot to take their pills , and a " 3 Strikes " policy when it came to getting caught with dope . . . but no honor classes . My teacher 's didn 't challenge me so I didn 't see the point in going to class . I actually had one teacher who use to get high with me . I went to his class all the time . He was the automotive teacher . We use to smoke near the exhaust vent so it would suck the smoke out of the room . It was very convenient . My new family was loving and I was never abused , but there was dysfunction . My uncle got drunk every night . My aunt and uncle would fight about it . My uncle would sober up and then a couple weeks later my aunt would come home high and drunk herself . Then the cycle would start again . I started to grow a resentment towards my aunt because of all the punishments she dueled out . What a hypocrite , I thought . How could she punish us for doing the exact same thing she was doing ? I had spent so much time being an adult , that I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut in situations where children should not speak . I felt like my aunt 's equal and it was hard for me to respect her . It was a battle I fought internally , constantly having to bite my tongue . It was tiring . Self medicating not only helped me to forget my past , but it also took me out of the present . The entire car ride back to California I was silent . I would not allow my mother to put one finger on me . I pressed myself as far as I could into the door and stared out the window . The endless dessert flew by in a smear of brown and white . I imagined opening the door , falling out of the speeding car and becoming a smear of my own . I imagined it would probably be a red smear . I wouldn 't even look at Bill . I saw him looking at me in the rear view mirror and I wanted to reach over the seat and smash his head into the windshield . That would have made a red smear too . When we finally arrived at Bill 's house , I went to my room to find it exactly how I had left it . Destroyed . I sat on the bed and cried . In the living room I could hear my mother and Bill arguing . Then my mother opened the door to the room and said , " OK , come and give me a kiss . . . I 'm taking off . " I couldn 't believe her . . . Why had she come and taken me back to him ? ! Did he pay her ? Why is she leaving ? ! Why did she do this ? ! I was so afraid to be left with Bill , but I would NOT kiss her or beg her to stay . My heart had nothing but hate in it . I turned my back away from her , " get the fuck away from me . " I had never sworn at my mother before and it was liberating . At that moment we crossed a line and she became someone other than my mother . She was no one to me . When she left I mourned her like she had died . I knew I would never look at her as a mother again . Bill wisely left me alone . The next morning I woke up and got ready for school . When I walked out into the living room Bill was waiting to drive me . " I don 't want a ride from you . I don 't want anything from you . " I said it with as much disgust as I could . I almost spat the words out . Then I walked to the bus stop . The only light I could find in my dark situation was that I would see Crystal again . We had not spoken on the phone once since I left and I knew it was because she was mad at me . I had left her . She needed me as much as I needed her . . . and I left . She didn 't understand everything I was dealing with at Bills and I couldn 't explain it to her . I knew deep down she understood me leaving was the best thing for me , but that didn 't stop her from hurting . When I got to school I found that Bill already had my mother enroll me and I had all the same classes I did 4 months ago . I walked from my first class to the central plaza and Crystal saw me from across the entire courtyard . We made eye contact and just like in the movies , we ran to each other . We both were crying when we hugged and relief flooded through me . No one knew what my life was like with my mother , except for her . As long as Crystal was in my life I felt like I would never really be alone . Part of me was worried that when I left I would lose her , but me leaving didn 't change our friendship at all . It doesn 't matter how much time passes between real friends , when it matters , they are there . Crystal taught this to me when I was 14 years old . I spent everyday for the next three weeks staying over at Crystal 's as much as I could , taking the bus to school and completely ignoring Bill . I wedged my door shut with a chair at night and stayed as far away from him as possible . If I couldn 't ignore him I would speak to him with out looking at him . If I had to look at him I made sure he could see the hate in my eyes . I drank all the liquor in the house and refilled the empty bottles with water . When the liquor ran out I decided to try smoking dope . My cousins all seemed to really like it and I needed something to help me escape . Bill smoked occasionally and kept a stash hidden in the drawer of his room . The pot wasn 't as numbing as the alcohol , but it had other perks . I didn 't get sick or lose control like I did with alcohol . I couldn 't drink during the day because I would get caught , but smoking pot gave me a temporary high that was easy to hide . It was such a comfort to know I didn 't have to go through life so aware of everything anymore . . . and it also gave me the giggles . My mother was a drug whore who basically pimped me out to a child molester for who knows what in return . . . . and I could laugh about it . I liked pot . I had talked to my uncle on the phone several times since I 'd been back and a plan was made . I needed about a day and half window to escape . I needed 4 hours to get to the airport and on a plane . I needed another 6 hours to land and get on the reservation . Once I was there I would be safe . By the time Bill found out I left it would be too late . The first time Bill went to go on another one of his gambling trips I made my move . Crystal 's mom drove me to the airport . I boarded a plane and left California for a second time . . . just like my Uncle Dave had promised . Posted by I was sitting in class one day when I was called to the school office . Hot fear ran through my body . I thought I must be getting in trouble , which meant there would be a note sent home , which would mean I 'd have to face Auntie Elizabeth . My auntie wasn 't someone you wanted to upset . The entire way to the office I thought of every possible thing I might be in trouble for , and how I could get out of it . When I got there my palms were sweating . The principal was waiting for me . She asked me to have a seat . I sat . " Honey , there are some people here that are saying that you are a runaway . Your mother is here with her lawyer and a detective . " I couldn 't process what she said . At first I was flooded with adrenalin and looked around me frantically for an escape , then I realized there was no way my mother had a lawyer . It must be a mistake ! . . wrong girl . Thank God ! I thought . I shook my head no and told her that I lived with my auntie and uncle and my dad was dead . She pursed her lips together and gave me a questioning look . I was afraid that if she didn 't believe me she might take me away and put me in some kind of foster care . I started talking fast . " My mom does drugs , my auntie and uncle are taking care of me . I 'm their niece . . . my dad is from here , but he died . . . . . and now I live here too . . . and my mom doesn 't care . " - Then there was a loud Bang Bang Bang on her door . " Police , open the door ! " My principal went immediately and unlocked the door , and as soon as she clicked over the lock the door flung open . It was Bill . I screamed , " That 's not a police man ! That 's not a police man ! " Then the principal jumped in between me and Bill and pushed him toward the door way . She got him out of the room and then tried to shut the door , but he prevented her by shoving his body weight on her . People were yelling on the other side of the door and Bill finally backed off and the door was shut . As soon as the door closed I sat down . . . because I felt like my legs might fall out from under me . He found me . . . The real cops were called and after speaking with my uncle who assured me I was coming home , I was taken to the police department . I sat at the police department for hours . Something wasn 't right . Where was my auntie and uncle ? I finally got the courage to ask what was happening when my mother walked in . She looked smug . I couldn 't believe my eyes . My shock was soon replaced with outrage . " What are you doing ? ! Leave me alone ! " She tried to put her arms around . She put her hand over her heart when I backed away from her . She looked at the officers around her making sure they were appreciating all the concerned looks she was faking . " I 'm your mom , you are coming home . " I backed father away and started crying . My aunt and uncle didn 't legally adopt me . We all had the same last name and getting me enrolled in school wasn 't a problem . On the reservation there is no law saying I belong to anyone , but in the city and at my school I legally belonged to my mother . I called my aunt and uncle and after another hour of conversations between the police and my mother I was loaded into the back of a police car . My mother was going to allow me to get my things and say good bye to everyone . The police had no jurisdiction on our land so my aunt , uncle and cousins met me at the reservation border . When we pulled up everyone was out of the car holding balloons and presents . It was my birthday . My aunt was holding a plate with a piece of foil over it . I broke free of my mother 's hold and ran to her . She gave me a hug and said , " Happy birthday . . . " She looked down and shook her head in what looked like defeat . " I packed up some of your cake for you . . . here take it . " Then she started to cry . She 's going to let them take me . . . . NO ! I ran to my uncle , " Please ! Don 't make me go . . Please ! " I 'll be good . I 'm sorry . . . I 'm sorry ! Please . . . " My body racked up and down with my sobs . My uncle picked me up and said in a low voice so only I could hear , " You have to go now , but we will get you back , . . . . don 't worry Cucuyatramatz . " He hugged me tight . I hugged him back and over his shoulder I saw my mother sitting in the passenger seat of Bill 's car . Bill was driving . Being a brown noser didn 't fair well with my cousins and I spent most of my time in the garage practicing my tap dancing . The garage was used to make deer jerky and drums . Lines were stretched from wall to wall where salted meat was hung to dry and hides were laid flat everywhere with dried blood and stray pieces of fur still attached . I would practice for hours , getting my moves just right , occasionally getting slapped in the face with a piece of carnage . My cousins teased me . I guess they never heard of a tap dancing Indian girl before . " Where are your tappy shoes at ? You won 't show us how you tappy dance ! Hahaha " My cousins offered to " smoke me up " several times and I wanted NOTHING to do with it . I didn 't want to do drugs like my mother . What I wanted to do was drink . We had a lot of celebrations on the reservation , dances , feasts and ceremonies . Each occasion was a reason for everyone to get drunk The term " Fire Water " is no joke . There is no such thing as alcoholism on a reservation . There are no police to pull you over and give you a DUI . It 's not abnormal to see Uncle Pato driving down the road going 3 miles an hour , missing the turn and heading off into the never ending desert . We handle things our own way when we need to though . Sometimes it means running after Uncle Pato 's car and turning the engine off and sometimes it means more than that . We don 't have jails or legal consequences like you do in the cities , ( although in some cases we will call them in ) we handle things in our own way . Our way seems to work , we have no crime . We just have a bunch of wild kids who party too much and get away with too much . I drank every opportunity I got . I didn 't drink the same way the other kids did though . They would all drink together , share and hang out around the fire pit or something . I would sneak and hoard any alcohol I got my hands on and then after I got good and drunk I 'd go and play with my tappy shoes . I loved alcohol . All those spaces I made to hide my ugly memories inside of me felt filled up . I drowned my memories in a sea of Budweiser , moonshine and vodka . Life was much improved . I loved all the celebrations on the reservation and not just because I could get drunk . The celebrations all seemed to be about dancing and food . We had dances for everything ; dances for corn , buffalo , rain and even saints . After each dance a huge feast would be prepared . The entire tribe pulled together and we all went eating from house to house and then taking our own turn to feed others . It gave you an incredible sense of belonging . I belonged here . I made bread for others , and I ate bread that others made for me . I felt it in my blood . I am Cucuyatramatz . This is my home . Nothing felt foreign to me . Some of the ceremonies were a bit frightening and involved the cleansing of " bad spirits " or " river men " that had sharp pointy teeth . I was afraid , but also very comforted . There is something very comforting about knowing exactly where you came from and having your beliefs boldly exemplified before your eyes . My father was from here , I was born here , and this is where I 'm supposed to be . I am a 13 year old Indian girl . . . . a drunk , tap dancing Indian girl . My Uncle Dave and Aunt Elizabeth picked me up from the airport . The reservation was just as I remembered it . Beautiful . I had no real memory of ever living there before , only a lingering feeling of familiarity . . . It felt like I was remembering a past life , not my own . The house they lived in was a newer home designed to look like a pueblo on the outside . The house was surrounded by dirt and a scattering of fences made out of tree limbs . In the yard was a mini van , a beat up truck with no bumper , a brand new civic , and an old , green , Volks Wagon van that was called the Pickle . It looked like a scrap yard . There was also a trampoline , a shed , and an outside Indian oven in the back . The inside of the house was decorated with drums my uncle had made and parts of costumes used in ceremonies . There was a colorful Indian blanket nailed to the wall and a painting of a buffalo . It was nice . I was lead into a room with a bunk bed and N - Sync and Usher posters all over the walls . I would be sharing a room with my cousin . She took the bottom bunk because she said the top bunk was for little kids . She was younger than I and put on a show to appear older than she was . I resented it . Years of childhood had been stolen from me . . . and she just wanted to give hers up . Right after I arrived at my uncle 's house I was told someone wanted to see me . It was a surprise . I didn 't know if I should feel excited or scared . I felt both . We pulled up outside of an old trailer and when I walked in the door I heard , " Cucuyatramatz ! " It was Uncle Steve ! I ran to him , threw my arms around him and cried . It felt so safe to cry in front of someone I knew that loved me . I couldn 't cry with my Uncle Dave or Aunt Elizabeth . . . I didn 't know them well enough and I still felt too responsible for my own well being to let down my guard . I lost my mother , Fred , Bird - Bird , and Crystal , but I did not lose Uncle Steve . Just the relief of knowing that I still had him was enough to make me sob . I was enrolled in a public school in the nearest city to the reservation and had a little bit of a shock when I found out I had to wake up at 4AM and get to the bus stop at 4 : 45 in the morning . The bus ride to school took almost two and a half hours . My classmates were all Native Americans or Hispanics . There were maybe 6 white kids and 2 black kids in my entire school . Most of our teachers were white too . Because I was Native , I was accepted immediately . I belonged . Native Pride was strong ! Our people stuck together . All of the kids that spoke our Native tongue would purposely talk around the teachers to irritate them . They wanted to show them that they were outsiders , no matter if they had authority or not . The school was ours . I learned the language quickly . I took up my role as my aunt and uncle 's new daughter . I liked that I had to do chores and help make dinner like the others kids . I craved their love . If I wasn 't sucking up to my aunt and uncle , I was over at Uncle Steve 's trailer . I had brought my tap dancing shoes that I had saved from the time Larry had me in dance classes . I wanted to show Uncle Steve what I could do . I tap danced in his kitchen and covered the floor in black scuffmarks . He smiled and hooted and yelled for an encore . He loves me . . . I thought . I 'm going to make them all love me . Bill was having problems with my school . They wouldn 't let him pick me up from school if I was ill , or take me out early if we were going out of town . To solve this problem Bill tried to legally emancipate me from my mother . When this wouldn 't work he suggested something else . " Well baby girl , I think that we might have to go down to Mexico and get married ! " I don 't even think it would have been legal here in the states , but I had no idea about things like that then . I stood with my back towards him and my breath caught . I could feel my eyes growing into large unbelieving saucers . I didn 't respond for a few seconds . . . and decided the only thing I could do was act like it was funny . . . I was too scared to do anything else . " Ha ha ha ! " He shrugged his shoulders and said , " well , I 'll think about it , but I think it 's what we might have to end up doing . " Later in the week Bill started planning a trip to Mexico . I knew then , that what I had at Bill 's was going to end . When Bill left one night on another gambling trip I dug out my mom 's old address book and tried to find someone to call . I had a hard time reading the numbers because I couldn 't see through all my tears . I hate him ! I sobbed and ran around my room throwing everything off my dresser and destroying what ever I could . Crystal . . . I would lose her . I fell down to my knees and let helpless tears fall down my cheeks . After I collected myself , I went into self preservation - mode . I closed off my emotions and dialed all the numbers in the phone book one by one . The first few numbers just rang and rang and then I got some that were disconnected . When I got to Fred 's number I crossed my fingers and dialed . . . It was disconnected too . No No No ! I was angry ! I smashed the phone into the floor and gritted my teeth . Then I realized I better not break it . . . I still had to find my mother . She was the only one I had . . . and this was a very depressing thought . As much as I tried to not to feel . . . the tears wouldn 't stop coming . I dialed again , please , please pick up . . . . " Hello ? . . . " Thank God ! " Hi , I 'm looking for my mom , Susan ? Have you heard from her ? " The man on the phone said he had ! But she wasn 't there right now . I gave him my number and waited for her to return my call . I waited a painful hour with no call back from her . Then I called again . She was the one who answered the phone . I wanted to cry as soon as I heard her voice . I didn 't even know what to say . . . " Mom ? . . . " She sounded excited to hear from me . She went on and on about where she was living and what she was doing , trying to impress me . She didn 't even ask how I was . " Oh ! And I almost forgot to tell you ! I talked to Uncle Steve and he said that your Aunt Sheila wants to talk to you and I have her number . . I 'm supposed to give it to you . . . . . . well . . . . . Do you want it ? " She had said everything so fast that the words were almost over lapping one another . She was high . . . really high on drugs . I stared at the wall in front of me and wiped my snot from my nose with the back of my hand . I couldn 't tell her what I called to tell her . . . All the urgency I felt while dialing the numbers left me then . There was no one in my mother 's phone book that could help me . She couldn 't help me . Fear grew in my gut . " Yes . . . What is the number ? " I called my Aunt . She asked me a lot of questions . I gave her the real answers . . the answers I hoped would move her to do something . " Who are you living with ? " " A man named Bill . . . " " I don 't know , she 's been gone for a year . " Then I started to cry . I could hear her on the other line getting worked up and talking to herself . " This isn 't right . . . No . You need to come home now . . . We will come get you , you belong to us , we are your family , not some white man your mom decided to just leave you with ! " She was getting upset . She told me to pack a small bag and she would call me back in 30 minutes . She called me back in 20 . She told me she wanted me to get on a plane that night and fly back to the reservation . She asked to talk to one of my friend 's mom . I was shaking . Everything was happening so fast . I couldn 't imagine what Crystal would say or think when I dialed her number . " Crys ? Something bad is happening . " I was crying . " It 's not OK for me to stay at Bills and my aunt wants me to go live with her . " Crystal was stunned . " OK . . . . . . . wait , what ? " " Can you please have your mom call my aunt ? She wants to talk to an adult . " 30 minutes later Crystal 's mom had pulled into the drive way and I put my suitcase in the trunk and locked up Bill 's house . One of my uncles worked for an airline and she called him and he put me on the next plane . The flight left at 5 AM . We left for the airport at 2AM . Crystal and me were in the back seat together holding one another . We didn 't talk , we didn 't cry . We just sat there . . . together . When we got to the gate I looked at my best friend and hugged her fiercely . I let myself cry then . I was terrified and shaking . Last week I was toilet papering the neighbor 's yard . . . and now I was running away to live with relatives I barely knew on an Indian reservation I knew nothing about . All I knew was that it had to be better than the horrifying future I saw with marrying Bill . " Please don 't forget about me Crys . " She shook her head violently back and forth . " Never ! . . . friends forever right ? . . . . " She cried . I smiled with tears streaming down my face and neck . " Forever . " Then I turned around and boarded the plane . When I stowed my bag and buckled myself in I let out a big long breath . . . . a breath I had been holding for half a dozen years . Months after that first drink of alcohol Crystal moved in . Things weren 't good for her at home and Bill was more than happy to take her in . We shared the twin bed in my room . Bill was often gone on gambling trips and we were left to do as we pleased . After she moved in the prank wars started . The food fights got severe and the walls in the living room were stained with mustard and other condiments . Our seances got more sophisticated and for a time we even practiced Wicca and did love spells on the boys at school . One night I was watching TV when at around midnight I heard a knock on the window behind me . I froze in terror . My eyes got wide and I stayed as still as I could ( T - Rex logic . ) Then there was another knock on the window opposite from where I was sitting ! Then another knock on the window diagonal from that ! They started banging and banging louder and faster . I ran to hide in the shower and just about peed my pants . I was on the phone with the cops when crystal busted through the door laughing . . . A couple weeks later I tied her up in the hammock outside in 40 - degree weather . I soaked her with the hose for about 30 minutes and then left her out there . Her teeth were chattering and I could barely understand her when she said she was cold . I went in and brought out a blanket . Then I wet the blanket nice and good and put it over her , " warmer now ? . . . " We loved each other . My bad secret with Bill never surfaced and it was like everything that happened was over . Crystal had saved me . We turned 13 and started getting invited to parties , or Crystal started getting invited to parties and I just came along for the ride . . . One night we were out in the desert tailgating with a bunch of older guys from another high school . I was drinking vodka and when Crystal said she had to leave because she was supposed to spend the night at her mom 's that night , I told her I was staying . She was hesitant about leaving me there , but she asked her boyfriend to watch me like a protective mother hen and kissed me on the cheek and left anyway . I woke up in the hospital and by my side was Crystal . She was holding my hand , crying and singing to me at the same time . I had passed out and started foaming at the mouth when Crystal 's boyfriend freaked and dropped me off at her mom 's house . I was unresponsive and turning blue so they called for an ambulance . That was the first time I over dosed . . . . there would be many more . After the alcohol poisoning Crystal 's mom made her move out . She even refused to drive us to see each other because she said I was a bad influence . So we spent that summer riding bikes with flat tires to meet in the middle of our houses and pass notes . We would sneak out at night and lay out on the roof of Bill 's house looking at the stars . " Best friends forever . . . Chris and Crys always ! " We loved each other so much it made us cry . We collected our tears on pieces of paper and added them to our scrapbooks . For the first time in my life that I could really remember , I felt like I had someone I could count on . She would always be there for me . I knew it in my soul . She was my sister . She was my kindred spirit . Posted by I had a horrible childhood and lived through some dark days as a young adult . I am who I am because of my sufferings . I am adaptable , I learned to survive , I am strong . Looking back on my past has taught me a lot about myself . . . and what kind of person God has molded me into . These posts tell the story of my life . They are all in order of the evens in which they took place . Starting with Early Childhood Memories ( Ch . 1 ) under the April Archives and continuing everyday as I add to it and remember . The song Amazing Grace should be the theme song to my life . " I once was lost , but now am found . " . . . story of my life . I com . . . " A complete stranger has the capacity to alter the life of another irrevocably . This domino effect has the capacity to change the course of an entire world . That is what life is ; a chain reaction of individuals colliding with others and influencing their lives without realizing it . "

This story was shared to me from my friend from China . Before I tell you the story . Let me first tell you about the Ghost Month . The Ghost month normally happens in August , specifically August third . But the Ghost Month normally is celebrated on the seventh month of the lunar year , which of course would be in August . It is the fifteenth day of the seventh month . During the Ghost Month , the spirits of the dead rise from the lower realms to visit the living . They wander about at night or in bodies of water . They ask for gifts and rituals in order to alleviate their suffering and for them to find peace . Mei Ling Ong was a typical Chinese teenager . She had a lot of energy . She has a good fashion sense and loves hanging out with her friends . She would often try to wear the trendiest clothes . Mei Ling loved life and adventure . But Mei Ling did not come from a rich family . So she worked in part time job in a hotel . This was an old hotel and she worked cleaning the rooms and doing errands here and there . She loved her job . It was not so difficult as there weren 't many guests . One warm day in summer , Mei Ling was in the reception area all alone . This was the ghost month but she was not afraid . She always heeded what her parents told her about the things she should not do . That night she had to stay there because the receptionist was absent . She sat there listening to music on her phone staring into space when a handsome young man came in . He was about twenty five years old . He wore a suit and looked tired from work . He went up to the reception area . Mei Ling was stunned by how handsome he was . He smiled at her and asked about his reservation . She tried to check it in the computer but she could not find it . He tried to smooth out his beautiful hair and told her if he could stay the night and will just pay for the room . Mei Ling was so happy and she felt butterflies in her stomach . As she was handing him the key card , his brushed against hers . His hand was cold , but maybe because he just came from outside . Mei Ling led him to his room and he smiled at her . He asked her if they have a swimming pool . She said they have one at the top floor . He smiled and said " You look like my girlfriend before " . Mei Ling blushed . As she was about to go , the man asked her if she could escort him to the pool later on . Mei Ling said that they have a pool staff upstairs and that he can just go up . He frowned a bit and then smiled . He said " Well , I 'm kinda shy and I don 't really talk to others but you seem really friendly . Could you please guide me upstairs ? " After an hour of leaving the man , Mei Ling got a call on the front desk phone . She was really hungry . She sometimes worked as a reliever for the receptionist but she was tired today from cleaning the rooms . The call was from the man . He wanted to go to the pool . The man was dressed in a pair of shorts and a white shirt . He was handsome as before and looked happy . He introduced himself . He said he was Xin Lim . He was twenty five years old and works for his father 's business . He said he was single because his girlfriend was gone and left him . But now he is ready for love again . He said he wishes to find a girl just like his girlfriend . They got to the pool but the pool attendant was not there . As Mei Ling was about to leave , the man held her close . She was shocked . He said " I 'm so happy to have finally found you . " He came close and tried to kiss her . She was really surprised but she did kiss him back . They stood near the pool . It was a warm and sensual kiss . She felt shivers all over her body . And then , he finally whispered " Now my love can return . . " Mei Ling got shocked but it was too late . He held her close and they both fell into the pool . Mei Ling tried to swim , but the man kept his lips on her . It was eternal kiss of death . Mei Ling could not breathe and she felt her life slip away . Her mind was strong and she could feel her self being lifted away . But when she looked , she saw her body with the man . Her body lay beside the pool . The man was there holding it . And then the man kissed her body 's mouth again . And she saw it awaken . But it was not her . It was someone else . Both her body and the man looked at her . She felt herself being pooled in by the pool again . She felt that this time she was really drowning but she was conscious and there was no death to free from drowning . She tried to swim but she was now only a spirit . I have heard this story from my friend who was from a third world country in Asia . She now lives here in Australia and the things she told me really horrified the wits off of me . Let us call my friend Susan . Susan has lived in her mother country for about 19years . She got pregnant early and because of the fear of shame she wanted to have an abortion . This was normally frowned upon in these places so she has very few options . She heard about this small lying - in clinic that secretly did abortions . She decided to give it a visit but first just to look around . The clinic was fairly small . It was pretty much closed up with metal pull down shutters that cover the doors and windows . You normally have to call for an appointment . So Susan did so . When she went there , the place really smelled funny . A mixture of chlorinated smell yet there was a bit of rotting in the air . The place looked really run down with a small dim off white bulb . The lady who sat in the front desk looked bored and a bit crazy . She had this creepy smile on her face . The receptionist , who was also the nurse was very thin and her skin has a sick yellowish tinge . She told Susan to sit down and wait because the doctor was with someone else . The doctor came out , so Susan stood up . He beckoned to for the nurse receptionist to go near him . They looked at each other and both smiled a creepy toothed smile that gave Susan the shivers . The receptionist went back to her desk and told Susan " Just give Doc about 15 minutes and he will be with you shortly . " Susan got terrified and asked where the bathroom was but she secretly crept out and left hurriedly . Susan did really want to go through with the abortion since she was young and not prepared to have a child yet . Two weeks passed but she did not go back to the clinic . One day she overheard from the neighbour that one of the pregnant women who was supposed to give birth next month died . She was just went to the clinic for a check - up but she was never seen again until today . She went home looking really pale and shocked . She was able to stay there for some time but suddenly collapsed and died . When they checked her , they were supplied that the baby was gone and all the amniotic fluid is gone but her belly was still big . Susan wanted to know more . She felt that this was the same patient that went before her on the day she went to that clinic . So she decided to go back to the clinic , anyway she had no choice because she really wanted to get the abortion before her belly becomes big . When she got there she was told that the lady who went before her had stayed in the clinic because she needed daily supervision but they are not allowed to discuss the case . She was then ushered by the thin receptionist to the bed . She was sweating and feared what was going to happen next . The receptionist suddenly put a metal strap on Susan 's arm , Susan being strong fought her off before she could even put the strap on the other hand . They struggled . Suddenly the oxygen tank fell down and started hissing . She took this opportunity to free her left hand . She ran but she ended up going more into the deeper part of what seemed to be a small clinic from the outside but was a really big place . She ran and ran until she got into the part where there was a trapdoor on the floor . She opened it and went inside . She was engulfed by a very horrid smell . She saw the man who looked like a doctor with his back turned against her . He was then facing a woman on a table and he had a long tongue sticking into her belly . She was unconscious but alive . Susan slowly crept away backwards . The doctor did not notice him at all and he continued to suck at the woman 's belly . Susan went back up and then run as fast as she could out the door . She started bleeding profusely and the doctor must have smelled the blood because he was suddenly behind her as she bolted out the door . But he never chased after her . He stopped by the door , looking like a normal man and waved at Susan as she went running out looking back at the clinic . Suddenly there was an explosion . The oxygen tank blew up . But Susan could still make out the silhouette of the man and the thin woman . Even though she bled out a lot , Susan did not lose the child . She decided to keep him . He is now seven years old and it has been eight years since Susan left her country . She said she wanted to go to the police but no one would believe her . She has heard some stories that the clinic , the doctor and the nurse moved to a different town now . There was a woman from Korea who was obsessed with looking beautiful . She spent a lot of money for her face not to age and to look perfect . She has tried several creams and many diets just for her beauty never to fade . Her name was Jihun Park . She was 27 years old . She had her heart broken when she was 23 by her high school sweetheart who went abroad but ended up marrying someone else without even telling her . Her heart was immensely broken and she fell ill and looked old and harassed . She could not go to work for several days . She was missed by her high school students a lot . Jihun grew up in poor family . She was always sad and alone . She had one brother who had Down syndrome . Her brother died when he was only 16 and when she was about 14 . Her brother 's death allowed her to go to school and take up Education in college . She secretly thanked the heavens for taking him away . When Jihun was young , she was often bullied by other children . She was pale and weak . She only ate rice and kimchi all the time . One boy helped her up one day when she slipped as she was trying to run in the rain to get home . They became instant friends . His name was Lee . He was a very different boy . He often got into trouble for disregarding rules . He said he did not care about the world . ( By the way this is a story told to me by a psychic from psychic source - you can learn more about them here - psychic source details by my friend lucy or by visiting this url http : / / www . signalriver . com / psychic - source - reviews / EDIT : 2016 We got a few people asking for some other psychic reviews and testimonials and I recently discovered another great site for this kind of info as well as other spiritual things such as free rune readings , called Eye of the psychic , by a lovely lady called Iris . She also discusses Psychic Source as well as some other sites for readings . You can visit her site here or find her best experiences with clairvoyants and psychic reading reviews here . Their friendship became love . Lee and Jihun had made many plans when they grow up . Lee was not able to go college because he said he just wanted to work right away . He worked as fruit vendor by day and a baker at night . The boss in the bakery took notice of his skills and told him that he might be interested to go with the new branch that they will put up in the United States . And so he did . At first he and Jihun spoke to each other a lot on the phone and on the internet . But slowly he drifted away until one day Jihun could no longer contact him . Jihun became heart broken . She cried for many nights . She wanted to go to the US , but she could not for her mother was old and sick and might die anytime . One day she heard the news that Lee had married another Korean girl in America . Jihun saw their pictures on her friend 's phone . The girl was lovely and had a bright smile . She was devastated and cried for days and did not eat . She became like a ghost . She cursed the man who broke her heart and promised that she will get the love of any man . She tried to put herself back together . After a week of grief she went back to work . Jihun changed after that . She sought to be beautiful . She dated an old man who provided her money to buy whatever she wanted . She scoured shelves upon shelves of beauty products to improve her face . She even considered cosmetic surgery . Jihun 's appearance had improved a lot but for her it was not enough . One day , as she was cleaning her mother 's closet she saw a small piece of paper inside a jar . Her curiosity was peaked . She opened the jar and it said " Elixir of Beauty and Youth , USE WITH CAUTION " . She immediately opened the paper and it was a recipe written in very tiny letters . The ingredients looked quite normal except for three things ; it said it needed a whole flower of Venus Flytrap , a drop of blood from her chest and one pure tear . She quickly created the elixir . It smelled funny at first but when she added her drop of blood and her tear , it bubbled and changed into blue and then into a beautiful pink shade . The recipe told her to drink it or to put it on her face . She decided to do both . Slowly she noticed her skin shimmering like glass hit by sunlight . She felt scared . The shimmering died down and she went back to the way she was but she noticed there was something different about her . She felt a different kind of power . She decided to try it out . So she went out . And the first man she saw , stopped and followed her . He asked for her name and number . He was very handsome . He wanted to have coffee with her . And so she did . All her students liked her . Everybody was fascinated with her . One day she and the man got drunk . They started to kiss and fool around . They took off their clothes and started touching each other . Suddenly when the man was about to trust his manhood into her , her female organ opened like a Venus Flytrap and bit off the penis of the man . The man was shocked and screamed . But no one came to help because this was a Love Hotel . Her hair grew like ivy and her skin turned green . The flower from her vagina grew into the size of a human head . Until it slowly devoured the man . He writhed in pain . She took mercy upon him that she snapped his head using her hair so that he would no longer feel the pain . Her genitalia ate all of him up until there was no longer a single trace of blood . She later realized that her tear was not pure , it was filled with malice and hate . She has now turned into a beautiful monster , who eats men whenever they would make love . She tried not to do it , but she could not keep away from the hunger that she feels . She never looked old or got sick . So one day she decided to move from place to place so that no one would ever know about her . This story was shared to me by my friend who lived in Japan . When he was young many teenagers committed suicide . Many say that is because of failure to enter a reputable school but some say it is because these students where pulled by a strange entity to end their own life . My friend was an outsider in Japan , a gaijin as the locals would say or a foreigner . He was excluded by the other students all the time . Being an outsider also gave him some benefits . He was able to observe his classmates from a safe distance . Most of the time the other students were quiet and disciplined in school . Some of them even went to cram school to get better results in the entrance examinations . Most wanted to go the famous Tokyo University or Kyoto University . Sometimes my friend who we will call Tomo , who is a half Japanese and half Canadian , would see classmates laughing and having fun . They acted like normal students . But deep inside Tomo , he felt that there was something peculiar happening to some of his school mates . One day , as Tomo was walking home he heard a girl crying and struggling . So he tried to look for where the sound of cry was coming from . It was dusk and the street lamps just lit up . He saw the girl beside a big tree in the empty parking lot of his school . She seemed like being pulled by an invisible force . She was crying quietly and incorrectly . She seemed to be struggling to break free from something . But Tomo could not see it very well . Then he saw the girl 's face . The look in her face froze Tomo completely . Her eyes were glassy and blank . She looked like a frozen doll . Her lips were closed but she was trying to move them as if begging for help . She clutched her neck as if trying to pry something off of it . Then Tomo saw under the bright street lamp , a shadow . The shadow did not look much different from what the girl 's shadow should look like but it did now seem right . Instead of showing the exact form of the girl , the shadow seemed to be skewed . And then Tomo saw it , the shadow had long bird like fingers with talons at the ends , grabbing the girls neck from behind . Suddenly Tomo snapped out of his reverie and tried to help the girl . When he was inches away from her she suddenly collapsed . Tomo caught her . She breathed fast and shallow . Suddenly her eyes opened and was shocked to see Tomo . She looked at her hands . They had a little blood in them . She glanced at Tomo and suddenly ran away . Tomo sat there , puzzled and scared . He had cold sweat running down his face . He could not understand what happened . The next few days Tomo looked for the girl in school . He could not find her . He did not have any friends in school so he could not tell anyone what had happened . At night he could not sleep . He feared for whatever happened this girl . He could not forget that strange look on her face ; a twisted eerie blankness that took hold of her . Tomo could not concentrate in school anymore . One Saturday afternoon Tomo and his mother went out to go shopping for groceries . As they were about to go home Tomo felt weird again he could not understand why . He stood on the train flat form all frozen . Then suddenly he saw the same girl . She was wearing her school uniform . She looked at Tomo . She smiled . Suddenly the expression on her face changed . She looked at the incoming train . Tomo ran towards her but she already jumped . Tomo froze . He couldn 't stop her . He was not fast enough . People screamed around him but he did not hear any of it . All he could think about was he was about a split second away from saving her . His mother ran to him and pulled him away from the crowd and hurriedly dragged him away from the platform and all the people in there . They took a cab home . Tomo went to his room all dazed . He could not eat or sleep for days . His mother was very worried about him . She talked to his father . He heard them talking about going back to Canada . Tomo snapped out of his confused state . He needed to know why it all happened . He tried to be brave and asked some of his classmates if anyone noticed this girl and anything weird around school . At first no one would talk to him . He was the outsider . Finally , one day as Tomo ate his bento box in the school canteen a gangly looking boy sat down across him . He introduced himself . He was the girl 's brother . He did not tell Tomo his name . He just sat there and then suddenly said " Did you see it too ? The shadow of my sister ? " Tomo was shocked he did not know what to say . The boy just stared at his hands for a few minutes and then told Tomo everything he knew . He said that his sister was not the first one to have had a shadow . He has heard of other students who have had them as well . But no one really wants to talk about it . He said that the shadow started appearing after his sister came back from an old bookstore and brought home with her a comic book that had some weird drawings on it . The younger brother said that he was not bothered by it at first because he said that most Japanese comic books are full of weird stuff . He said that his sister started acting strange after reading it . She would sleep walk at night and would act violently suddenly . Tomo was scared . He had just been to that bookstore and he also got a weird looking manga . He went home and burned it . He said that after that he went to his mom and said that he really wanted to go back to Canada . Tomo is now a grown up and works in a bank here in Vienna . He has visited Japan several times but has never bought another comic book . He sometimes dreams of that shadow with long fingers and talon like nails . There are many places in the world that are considered at the most paranormal , and at the least a little spooky . These places draw ghost hunters and searchers for the paranormal alike to see if they can find and record something seemingly out of this world . You might be asking yourself , " What kind of equipment do these people take with them ? " The one thing most people think of when they think ghost hunting equipment is a video handheld recorder . Having a recorder that is capable of picking up fine sounds is crucial , as one of the many ways that people have reported hauntings is through sounds . Be sure to state the time , place , and any other relevant details prior to beginning your investigation . A practical necessity , having flashlights with extra batteries is common sense . Many places you may be checking out will not have lights and can be a challenge and possibly even dangerous to navigate through . It is also believed that spirit activity causes batteries to lose their charge quicker . Officially known as the electromagnetic field detector , the EMF is used as a tracking device for ghosts . It is believed that ghosts release an electromagnetic field that can be tracked using these devices . If you have one of these devices , then look for fluctuations between 2 . 0 and 7 . 0 . The unknown is equal parts scary and intriguing . From the paranormal to ghost hunts , not knowing what can be found around the corner brings people to investigate some of the most haunted places in the world . If you have been invited to go along on a ghost hunt , and it is your first , do not fret ! There are a few simple things you should keep in mind . Lets review how being helpful , being mindful , and staying calm can make your first ghost hunting experience into a success . Depending on the organization of your group , you may be asked to bring things along . Most beginners will be asked to bring along their own flashlight , as well as several pairs of extra batteries . In addition , having a phone for easy contact will make staying with your group much easier . More likely then not , your group will already have most of what it needs , including more expensive paranormal hunting equipment . They will also take the time to let you know how the ghost hunt will go down , and your role in it . Many places where you can go ghost hunting will be either abandoned or in poor shape . The best thing you can do is to work as hard as possible in being mindful . When checking out a place , know where other people in your group are . Do not get separated , especially if you are wandering through a large place . In addition , take into consideration everything around you , and try to memorize the location of objects you come across . The more mindful and aware you are , the easier it will be to spot paranormal activity when it takes place . One of the biggest problems people new to ghost hunting have is shaky nerve . This is perfectly understandable when you take into consideration wandering around in the dark in a place that may be haunted . However , you cannot let your nerves get the best of you . Try your best to refrain from yelling or shouting if something happens , as this will only make a situation worse . Instead , work to get the attention of somebody else as quickly and as quietly as you can . Some paranormal activity will flee when people raise their voices , and the last thing you want to do is be the one responsible for scaring away the ghosts ! This story happened many years ago . I was only six and was in my final year in kindergarten . My mom and dad had recently had a huge fight and my mom decided to run away from home or leave my dad . Before I begin this tale of horror , let me give you a bit of background into this story . In May 1987 my family moved to my aunt 's big house . She allowed us to rent it until we have completely paid for the mortgage . The house was really big but I have very little recollection about how it looked like when we moved in since I was only about two at that time and I could only remember some blood stains on the wall . When I was about three I had experienced many strange things in this house . Since I 've had a spiritual awakening , I 've begun to think more deeply about these times . I was inspired after reading an article about spiritual awakening on a good occult site I found called Signal River . So here is my story to share with you . It was said that the house used be an abortion clinic at the second floor and a gambling den in ground floor . Just to give you a bit of a picture , the house was big . It had a garden parking space for two cars , a backyard which was a filled with an assortment of old discarded things . The first floor housed my dad 's office , a big living room , a storage area , working space for our other employees . The second floor had enormous bedrooms , a playroom and a weird small hallway that was lined with several bathrooms and the last one on the hallway was barricaded by wooden planks . That hallway gave me the creeps . It smelled funny . It smelled of death . It was said that behind that door was the bathroom which the abortionist used to throw and flush down the fetuses . This house was a haunted place . Many entities were said to live in every nook and cranny . We will park those stories for now . We will first delve in to the story of old abortionist that haunted this house . Many of our neighbors say there once a nice doctor who lived in that house . She was always smiling and friendly , yet very quiet . Many women visited her . Most of them looked pregnant . The neighbors before found it strange that whenever a woman visits they never see her leaving from the front door . The fact of the matter is some of them use the back door to leave but some of them never leave at all . When we moved to this house , as my older brother tells me ; there was a lot of blood stains in the second floor . Most of this blood was found in the hallway that had five bathrooms ; two on each side and one at the very end . He said that there was even a woman who knocked at our door asking for a " Doctora " . The house frightened me a lot . I was a very imaginative child . I had imaginary friends . But unlike most children I had a gift . I could see things other people could not see . I was born partially blind . I had congenital cataracts on both my eyes . This made me unable to use my central vision . So I relied looking the side of eyes ; in my peripheral vision . At first , I thought it was nothing . But as I grew I started seeing spirits . I felt things behind me , sometimes on my back , sometimes holding my hair . When I would turn to look they would show for a split second , but then would vanish right away . So let 's we go back to that day , when my mom left . I was alone in second floor kitchen near the mysterious hallway . It was Holy Week . The house was very quiet . My sister and brothers weren 't at home . It was just me and our nanny there . She was in the playroom folding our clothes . Since I was but a child , I played that day . I was not aware of the horror that was to come . The sun was shining brightly outside and the sky was so blue . I felt curious about the mysterious hallway which I was told never to come near to , specially the door at the very end . Maybe it was boredom , maybe it was a strange pull ; I found myself going into the forbidden hallway . I never went close to the barricaded door before . But I really wanted to see it . I had to go near since I can 't really see from afar . I slowly crept closer and closer . The smell of the place was dank . The air suddenly felt cold . I wanted to touch the wood nailed to the door to prevent it from opening . I slowly moved my hand close to the door . Suddenly , there was an old woman . She gripped my arm . It hurt a lot . My body froze . I could not move nor could I scream . She looked at me with big grey eyes . She looked wretched . Her hair was a gray mop . Her skin was so wrinkled it looked like the bark of an old tree . Her skin was grayish too . She wore a gray tunic like rag of a dress . In her left hand was a long walking stick or a staff . Her hand was very cold . I finally got a hold of my body . I walked slowly backwards … Then I finally ran to my nanny in the playroom . The woman followed me . I screamed . She was still behind me . She got into the room at the same time that I was about to forewarn our nanny . Our nanny was stricken with fear . Her eyes grew big and jaw dropped . She had cold beads of sweat all over . Finally the old woman spoke . My mother returned that night . We sat in the table eating dinner . I told my family my story . At first they would not believe me , but the nanny saw the old wretched witch as well . They were all frightened . My mother and father decided to leave the said haunted house . We decided to leave not just because of what happened to me . But because of many , many creepy surreal things that has come about in that house . It was said by people near our house that the doctor who lived there was woman who whose heart was broken . She was impregnated by man who left her so she decided to abort her child . She was said to have lost her mind afterwards and decided to devote her energy into removing fetuses and even almost full term children from mothers ' wombs . They said that the woman felt happy at the sight of blood . It was also said that she was almost arrested for her illegal acts and the death of some of her patients . Before the police came to get her , she committed suicide in that very bathroom . Haunted houses … They have intrigued as since time in memorial . We have always wondered what goes inside those four walls . The mere words " haunted house " creates a mental picture for us about an old creepy house filled with cobwebs . We always think about the ghouls and ghosts lurking inside . So what if you go on a real spooky exploration into one of this places ? What will you see ? What will you experience ? The Haunted House Myths - During the Medieval times , royalty lived in large castles . Many rooms were sometimes not tended . These places where cold , dark and damp . The lack of electricity lent to the horrific tales the beset the walls of such palaces . Some royalties were evil and tyrannical . When these people died , their souls are said to cast a strong energy upon the castle . Such energy allowed them to still roam the plane of living . Many servants would report that their previous masters haunted the old walls that they used to live in . In Asian cultures many believe that material things that people loved when they are living can be possessed by them once they die . They may torment people in the present since they are not aware that they have been long dead . These tales have now brought about the stories behind the sordid and scary walls of haunted houses . A haunted house is not just a huge mansion filled with cobwebs . It can be a small flat in New York City where someone was murdered . It can be a hut in the hot planes of Africa . It can be a beautiful beach house in the Caribbean . Ghosts - Haunted houses normally are inhabited by ghosts . These are souls who have not moved on into the other realm or souls who feel that they have some unfinished business . They walk through walls . Women with torn clothes raped and abused . Children with rag dolls full of blood . Men with cut - off limbs . Priests with tortured bodies . Ghosts can be people who were unaware that they have died . They may feel that they are still alive and would try to go about their business . These ghosts are not dangerous , unless they were evil when they were alive . If an evil person suddenly dies without him knowing it , he can cause a great haunting . On the other hand there are ghosts who knew they have died and are seeking revenge . They can be so powerful that they turn into poltergeists . Poltergeists are entities that can cause noises in the haunted house or even hurt people . Sometimes , if your soul is weak and you visit one of this houses , they can possess your body . Sometimes people also believe that they see angels . This is often shown as a sparkly type light which can be seen around people , often around people 's hands . If you think that any of these things has happened to you it may be worth contacting a psychic medium . If you feel odd about the thought of actually having to speak to someone you could try a psychic email reading , I have found these to be invaluable , if you are not sure if they really work then read more about that here . Haunted Objects - Living people can have a preference towards certain things when they are alive . They may have a favorite chair , a favorite mirror , a beloved doll or an old clock . As you love an item , a part of their soul is imprinted to that item . It lives a trace of their spirit there . Once they die , sometimes that soul refuses to move on and attaches itself to that item . One of the most popular of these are haunted dolls . These dolls can be haunted by the owner who chooses to use the doll as a host . Others are because they feel lost because their owners , who once loved them have abandoned them . These dolls find refuge in the old houses they used to live in . Chairs may also rock back and forth without anyone sitting on them . They creek and creek into the night , with their hinges cold and frozen . Mirrors have been symbols of astral planes . Once a mirror is left in an abandoned house it can be used as a bridge to cross over the world of the living . Shape Shifting Monsters - Many of us see an old scraggly dog near an old decrepit house . We dismiss them , thinking that the poor creature is just looking for shelter . We see birds inside the house , looking at the window directly into your eyes . We see them and look at them and then we feel a chill run down our spine . Evolution tells us that change is inevitable , mutation can allow these creatures to have powers that we should be afraid of . If you are a brave soul , and you wish to embark on an adventure in an abandoned abode then you should be prepared . This is not an adventure for the faint of heart . If the house is not haunted , you can merely roam around and take pictures and have fun . But what if it is ? What will you do if you see a woman dressed in white , with blood stains all over her body ? What will you do if you see a headless man ? Will you run ? But what if you can 't ? If you believe in entities that are evil then you should be prepared . You should have weapons to protect you . If you don 't believe in such , bring the armaments as well . It would be cool to be in the mood . So , if you 're planning to go a haunted house for Halloween , prepare yourself , be strong . You have to face the unknown . It may scare you or it may be the best adventure you can have . Are you the haunted or the hunter ? Are you searching for stories and news about the paranormal and parallel worlds ? Have you ever felt haunted or have you ever want to hunt them ( ghosts ) instead ? Come and join the Haunted Times Society and let us give you the tales and stories of horror and mystery . Some of the tales are true and some may be imagined , yet wouldn 't it be wonderful to find out for your self ?

This story was shared to me from my friend from China . Before I tell you the story . Let me first tell you about the Ghost Month . The Ghost month normally happens in August , specifically August third . But the Ghost Month normally is celebrated on the seventh month of the lunar year , which of course would be in August . It is the fifteenth day of the seventh month . During the Ghost Month , the spirits of the dead rise from the lower realms to visit the living . They wander about at night or in bodies of water . They ask for gifts and rituals in order to alleviate their suffering and for them to find peace . Mei Ling Ong was a typical Chinese teenager . She had a lot of energy . She has a good fashion sense and loves hanging out with her friends . She would often try to wear the trendiest clothes . Mei Ling loved life and adventure . But Mei Ling did not come from a rich family . So she worked in part time job in a hotel . This was an old hotel and she worked cleaning the rooms and doing errands here and there . She loved her job . It was not so difficult as there weren 't many guests . One warm day in summer , Mei Ling was in the reception area all alone . This was the ghost month but she was not afraid . She always heeded what her parents told her about the things she should not do . That night she had to stay there because the receptionist was absent . She sat there listening to music on her phone staring into space when a handsome young man came in . He was about twenty five years old . He wore a suit and looked tired from work . He went up to the reception area . Mei Ling was stunned by how handsome he was . He smiled at her and asked about his reservation . She tried to check it in the computer but she could not find it . He tried to smooth out his beautiful hair and told her if he could stay the night and will just pay for the room . Mei Ling was so happy and she felt butterflies in her stomach . As she was handing him the key card , his brushed against hers . His hand was cold , but maybe because he just came from outside . Mei Ling led him to his room and he smiled at her . He asked her if they have a swimming pool . She said they have one at the top floor . He smiled and said " You look like my girlfriend before " . Mei Ling blushed . As she was about to go , the man asked her if she could escort him to the pool later on . Mei Ling said that they have a pool staff upstairs and that he can just go up . He frowned a bit and then smiled . He said " Well , I 'm kinda shy and I don 't really talk to others but you seem really friendly . Could you please guide me upstairs ? " After an hour of leaving the man , Mei Ling got a call on the front desk phone . She was really hungry . She sometimes worked as a reliever for the receptionist but she was tired today from cleaning the rooms . The call was from the man . He wanted to go to the pool . The man was dressed in a pair of shorts and a white shirt . He was handsome as before and looked happy . He introduced himself . He said he was Xin Lim . He was twenty five years old and works for his father 's business . He said he was single because his girlfriend was gone and left him . But now he is ready for love again . He said he wishes to find a girl just like his girlfriend . They got to the pool but the pool attendant was not there . As Mei Ling was about to leave , the man held her close . She was shocked . He said " I 'm so happy to have finally found you . " He came close and tried to kiss her . She was really surprised but she did kiss him back . They stood near the pool . It was a warm and sensual kiss . She felt shivers all over her body . And then , he finally whispered " Now my love can return . . " Mei Ling got shocked but it was too late . He held her close and they both fell into the pool . Mei Ling tried to swim , but the man kept his lips on her . It was eternal kiss of death . Mei Ling could not breathe and she felt her life slip away . Her mind was strong and she could feel her self being lifted away . But when she looked , she saw her body with the man . Her body lay beside the pool . The man was there holding it . And then the man kissed her body 's mouth again . And she saw it awaken . But it was not her . It was someone else . Both her body and the man looked at her . She felt herself being pooled in by the pool again . She felt that this time she was really drowning but she was conscious and there was no death to free from drowning . She tried to swim but she was now only a spirit . I have heard this story from my friend who was from a third world country in Asia . She now lives here in Australia and the things she told me really horrified the wits off of me . Let us call my friend Susan . Susan has lived in her mother country for about 19years . She got pregnant early and because of the fear of shame she wanted to have an abortion . This was normally frowned upon in these places so she has very few options . She heard about this small lying - in clinic that secretly did abortions . She decided to give it a visit but first just to look around . The clinic was fairly small . It was pretty much closed up with metal pull down shutters that cover the doors and windows . You normally have to call for an appointment . So Susan did so . When she went there , the place really smelled funny . A mixture of chlorinated smell yet there was a bit of rotting in the air . The place looked really run down with a small dim off white bulb . The lady who sat in the front desk looked bored and a bit crazy . She had this creepy smile on her face . The receptionist , who was also the nurse was very thin and her skin has a sick yellowish tinge . She told Susan to sit down and wait because the doctor was with someone else . The doctor came out , so Susan stood up . He beckoned to for the nurse receptionist to go near him . They looked at each other and both smiled a creepy toothed smile that gave Susan the shivers . The receptionist went back to her desk and told Susan " Just give Doc about 15 minutes and he will be with you shortly . " Susan got terrified and asked where the bathroom was but she secretly crept out and left hurriedly . Susan did really want to go through with the abortion since she was young and not prepared to have a child yet . Two weeks passed but she did not go back to the clinic . One day she overheard from the neighbour that one of the pregnant women who was supposed to give birth next month died . She was just went to the clinic for a check - up but she was never seen again until today . She went home looking really pale and shocked . She was able to stay there for some time but suddenly collapsed and died . When they checked her , they were supplied that the baby was gone and all the amniotic fluid is gone but her belly was still big . Susan wanted to know more . She felt that this was the same patient that went before her on the day she went to that clinic . So she decided to go back to the clinic , anyway she had no choice because she really wanted to get the abortion before her belly becomes big . When she got there she was told that the lady who went before her had stayed in the clinic because she needed daily supervision but they are not allowed to discuss the case . She was then ushered by the thin receptionist to the bed . She was sweating and feared what was going to happen next . The receptionist suddenly put a metal strap on Susan 's arm , Susan being strong fought her off before she could even put the strap on the other hand . They struggled . Suddenly the oxygen tank fell down and started hissing . She took this opportunity to free her left hand . She ran but she ended up going more into the deeper part of what seemed to be a small clinic from the outside but was a really big place . She ran and ran until she got into the part where there was a trapdoor on the floor . She opened it and went inside . She was engulfed by a very horrid smell . She saw the man who looked like a doctor with his back turned against her . He was then facing a woman on a table and he had a long tongue sticking into her belly . She was unconscious but alive . Susan slowly crept away backwards . The doctor did not notice him at all and he continued to suck at the woman 's belly . Susan went back up and then run as fast as she could out the door . She started bleeding profusely and the doctor must have smelled the blood because he was suddenly behind her as she bolted out the door . But he never chased after her . He stopped by the door , looking like a normal man and waved at Susan as she went running out looking back at the clinic . Suddenly there was an explosion . The oxygen tank blew up . But Susan could still make out the silhouette of the man and the thin woman . Even though she bled out a lot , Susan did not lose the child . She decided to keep him . He is now seven years old and it has been eight years since Susan left her country . She said she wanted to go to the police but no one would believe her . She has heard some stories that the clinic , the doctor and the nurse moved to a different town now . There was a woman from Korea who was obsessed with looking beautiful . She spent a lot of money for her face not to age and to look perfect . She has tried several creams and many diets just for her beauty never to fade . Her name was Jihun Park . She was 27 years old . She had her heart broken when she was 23 by her high school sweetheart who went abroad but ended up marrying someone else without even telling her . Her heart was immensely broken and she fell ill and looked old and harassed . She could not go to work for several days . She was missed by her high school students a lot . Jihun grew up in poor family . She was always sad and alone . She had one brother who had Down syndrome . Her brother died when he was only 16 and when she was about 14 . Her brother 's death allowed her to go to school and take up Education in college . She secretly thanked the heavens for taking him away . When Jihun was young , she was often bullied by other children . She was pale and weak . She only ate rice and kimchi all the time . One boy helped her up one day when she slipped as she was trying to run in the rain to get home . They became instant friends . His name was Lee . He was a very different boy . He often got into trouble for disregarding rules . He said he did not care about the world . ( By the way this is a story told to me by a psychic from psychic source - you can learn more about them here - psychic source details by my friend lucy or by visiting this url http : / / www . signalriver . com / psychic - source - reviews / EDIT : 2016 We got a few people asking for some other psychic reviews and testimonials and I recently discovered another great site for this kind of info as well as other spiritual things such as free rune readings , called Eye of the psychic , by a lovely lady called Iris . She also discusses Psychic Source as well as some other sites for readings . You can visit her site here or find her best experiences with clairvoyants and psychic reading reviews here . Their friendship became love . Lee and Jihun had made many plans when they grow up . Lee was not able to go college because he said he just wanted to work right away . He worked as fruit vendor by day and a baker at night . The boss in the bakery took notice of his skills and told him that he might be interested to go with the new branch that they will put up in the United States . And so he did . At first he and Jihun spoke to each other a lot on the phone and on the internet . But slowly he drifted away until one day Jihun could no longer contact him . Jihun became heart broken . She cried for many nights . She wanted to go to the US , but she could not for her mother was old and sick and might die anytime . One day she heard the news that Lee had married another Korean girl in America . Jihun saw their pictures on her friend 's phone . The girl was lovely and had a bright smile . She was devastated and cried for days and did not eat . She became like a ghost . She cursed the man who broke her heart and promised that she will get the love of any man . She tried to put herself back together . After a week of grief she went back to work . Jihun changed after that . She sought to be beautiful . She dated an old man who provided her money to buy whatever she wanted . She scoured shelves upon shelves of beauty products to improve her face . She even considered cosmetic surgery . Jihun 's appearance had improved a lot but for her it was not enough . One day , as she was cleaning her mother 's closet she saw a small piece of paper inside a jar . Her curiosity was peaked . She opened the jar and it said " Elixir of Beauty and Youth , USE WITH CAUTION " . She immediately opened the paper and it was a recipe written in very tiny letters . The ingredients looked quite normal except for three things ; it said it needed a whole flower of Venus Flytrap , a drop of blood from her chest and one pure tear . She quickly created the elixir . It smelled funny at first but when she added her drop of blood and her tear , it bubbled and changed into blue and then into a beautiful pink shade . The recipe told her to drink it or to put it on her face . She decided to do both . Slowly she noticed her skin shimmering like glass hit by sunlight . She felt scared . The shimmering died down and she went back to the way she was but she noticed there was something different about her . She felt a different kind of power . She decided to try it out . So she went out . And the first man she saw , stopped and followed her . He asked for her name and number . He was very handsome . He wanted to have coffee with her . And so she did . All her students liked her . Everybody was fascinated with her . One day she and the man got drunk . They started to kiss and fool around . They took off their clothes and started touching each other . Suddenly when the man was about to trust his manhood into her , her female organ opened like a Venus Flytrap and bit off the penis of the man . The man was shocked and screamed . But no one came to help because this was a Love Hotel . Her hair grew like ivy and her skin turned green . The flower from her vagina grew into the size of a human head . Until it slowly devoured the man . He writhed in pain . She took mercy upon him that she snapped his head using her hair so that he would no longer feel the pain . Her genitalia ate all of him up until there was no longer a single trace of blood . She later realized that her tear was not pure , it was filled with malice and hate . She has now turned into a beautiful monster , who eats men whenever they would make love . She tried not to do it , but she could not keep away from the hunger that she feels . She never looked old or got sick . So one day she decided to move from place to place so that no one would ever know about her . This story was shared to me by my friend who lived in Japan . When he was young many teenagers committed suicide . Many say that is because of failure to enter a reputable school but some say it is because these students where pulled by a strange entity to end their own life . My friend was an outsider in Japan , a gaijin as the locals would say or a foreigner . He was excluded by the other students all the time . Being an outsider also gave him some benefits . He was able to observe his classmates from a safe distance . Most of the time the other students were quiet and disciplined in school . Some of them even went to cram school to get better results in the entrance examinations . Most wanted to go the famous Tokyo University or Kyoto University . Sometimes my friend who we will call Tomo , who is a half Japanese and half Canadian , would see classmates laughing and having fun . They acted like normal students . But deep inside Tomo , he felt that there was something peculiar happening to some of his school mates . One day , as Tomo was walking home he heard a girl crying and struggling . So he tried to look for where the sound of cry was coming from . It was dusk and the street lamps just lit up . He saw the girl beside a big tree in the empty parking lot of his school . She seemed like being pulled by an invisible force . She was crying quietly and incorrectly . She seemed to be struggling to break free from something . But Tomo could not see it very well . Then he saw the girl 's face . The look in her face froze Tomo completely . Her eyes were glassy and blank . She looked like a frozen doll . Her lips were closed but she was trying to move them as if begging for help . She clutched her neck as if trying to pry something off of it . Then Tomo saw under the bright street lamp , a shadow . The shadow did not look much different from what the girl 's shadow should look like but it did now seem right . Instead of showing the exact form of the girl , the shadow seemed to be skewed . And then Tomo saw it , the shadow had long bird like fingers with talons at the ends , grabbing the girls neck from behind . Suddenly Tomo snapped out of his reverie and tried to help the girl . When he was inches away from her she suddenly collapsed . Tomo caught her . She breathed fast and shallow . Suddenly her eyes opened and was shocked to see Tomo . She looked at her hands . They had a little blood in them . She glanced at Tomo and suddenly ran away . Tomo sat there , puzzled and scared . He had cold sweat running down his face . He could not understand what happened . The next few days Tomo looked for the girl in school . He could not find her . He did not have any friends in school so he could not tell anyone what had happened . At night he could not sleep . He feared for whatever happened this girl . He could not forget that strange look on her face ; a twisted eerie blankness that took hold of her . Tomo could not concentrate in school anymore . One Saturday afternoon Tomo and his mother went out to go shopping for groceries . As they were about to go home Tomo felt weird again he could not understand why . He stood on the train flat form all frozen . Then suddenly he saw the same girl . She was wearing her school uniform . She looked at Tomo . She smiled . Suddenly the expression on her face changed . She looked at the incoming train . Tomo ran towards her but she already jumped . Tomo froze . He couldn 't stop her . He was not fast enough . People screamed around him but he did not hear any of it . All he could think about was he was about a split second away from saving her . His mother ran to him and pulled him away from the crowd and hurriedly dragged him away from the platform and all the people in there . They took a cab home . Tomo went to his room all dazed . He could not eat or sleep for days . His mother was very worried about him . She talked to his father . He heard them talking about going back to Canada . Tomo snapped out of his confused state . He needed to know why it all happened . He tried to be brave and asked some of his classmates if anyone noticed this girl and anything weird around school . At first no one would talk to him . He was the outsider . Finally , one day as Tomo ate his bento box in the school canteen a gangly looking boy sat down across him . He introduced himself . He was the girl 's brother . He did not tell Tomo his name . He just sat there and then suddenly said " Did you see it too ? The shadow of my sister ? " Tomo was shocked he did not know what to say . The boy just stared at his hands for a few minutes and then told Tomo everything he knew . He said that his sister was not the first one to have had a shadow . He has heard of other students who have had them as well . But no one really wants to talk about it . He said that the shadow started appearing after his sister came back from an old bookstore and brought home with her a comic book that had some weird drawings on it . The younger brother said that he was not bothered by it at first because he said that most Japanese comic books are full of weird stuff . He said that his sister started acting strange after reading it . She would sleep walk at night and would act violently suddenly . Tomo was scared . He had just been to that bookstore and he also got a weird looking manga . He went home and burned it . He said that after that he went to his mom and said that he really wanted to go back to Canada . Tomo is now a grown up and works in a bank here in Vienna . He has visited Japan several times but has never bought another comic book . He sometimes dreams of that shadow with long fingers and talon like nails . There are many places in the world that are considered at the most paranormal , and at the least a little spooky . These places draw ghost hunters and searchers for the paranormal alike to see if they can find and record something seemingly out of this world . You might be asking yourself , " What kind of equipment do these people take with them ? " The one thing most people think of when they think ghost hunting equipment is a video handheld recorder . Having a recorder that is capable of picking up fine sounds is crucial , as one of the many ways that people have reported hauntings is through sounds . Be sure to state the time , place , and any other relevant details prior to beginning your investigation . A practical necessity , having flashlights with extra batteries is common sense . Many places you may be checking out will not have lights and can be a challenge and possibly even dangerous to navigate through . It is also believed that spirit activity causes batteries to lose their charge quicker . Officially known as the electromagnetic field detector , the EMF is used as a tracking device for ghosts . It is believed that ghosts release an electromagnetic field that can be tracked using these devices . If you have one of these devices , then look for fluctuations between 2 . 0 and 7 . 0 . The unknown is equal parts scary and intriguing . From the paranormal to ghost hunts , not knowing what can be found around the corner brings people to investigate some of the most haunted places in the world . If you have been invited to go along on a ghost hunt , and it is your first , do not fret ! There are a few simple things you should keep in mind . Lets review how being helpful , being mindful , and staying calm can make your first ghost hunting experience into a success . Depending on the organization of your group , you may be asked to bring things along . Most beginners will be asked to bring along their own flashlight , as well as several pairs of extra batteries . In addition , having a phone for easy contact will make staying with your group much easier . More likely then not , your group will already have most of what it needs , including more expensive paranormal hunting equipment . They will also take the time to let you know how the ghost hunt will go down , and your role in it . Many places where you can go ghost hunting will be either abandoned or in poor shape . The best thing you can do is to work as hard as possible in being mindful . When checking out a place , know where other people in your group are . Do not get separated , especially if you are wandering through a large place . In addition , take into consideration everything around you , and try to memorize the location of objects you come across . The more mindful and aware you are , the easier it will be to spot paranormal activity when it takes place . One of the biggest problems people new to ghost hunting have is shaky nerve . This is perfectly understandable when you take into consideration wandering around in the dark in a place that may be haunted . However , you cannot let your nerves get the best of you . Try your best to refrain from yelling or shouting if something happens , as this will only make a situation worse . Instead , work to get the attention of somebody else as quickly and as quietly as you can . Some paranormal activity will flee when people raise their voices , and the last thing you want to do is be the one responsible for scaring away the ghosts ! This story happened many years ago . I was only six and was in my final year in kindergarten . My mom and dad had recently had a huge fight and my mom decided to run away from home or leave my dad . Before I begin this tale of horror , let me give you a bit of background into this story . In May 1987 my family moved to my aunt 's big house . She allowed us to rent it until we have completely paid for the mortgage . The house was really big but I have very little recollection about how it looked like when we moved in since I was only about two at that time and I could only remember some blood stains on the wall . When I was about three I had experienced many strange things in this house . Since I 've had a spiritual awakening , I 've begun to think more deeply about these times . I was inspired after reading an article about spiritual awakening on a good occult site I found called Signal River . So here is my story to share with you . It was said that the house used be an abortion clinic at the second floor and a gambling den in ground floor . Just to give you a bit of a picture , the house was big . It had a garden parking space for two cars , a backyard which was a filled with an assortment of old discarded things . The first floor housed my dad 's office , a big living room , a storage area , working space for our other employees . The second floor had enormous bedrooms , a playroom and a weird small hallway that was lined with several bathrooms and the last one on the hallway was barricaded by wooden planks . That hallway gave me the creeps . It smelled funny . It smelled of death . It was said that behind that door was the bathroom which the abortionist used to throw and flush down the fetuses . This house was a haunted place . Many entities were said to live in every nook and cranny . We will park those stories for now . We will first delve in to the story of old abortionist that haunted this house . Many of our neighbors say there once a nice doctor who lived in that house . She was always smiling and friendly , yet very quiet . Many women visited her . Most of them looked pregnant . The neighbors before found it strange that whenever a woman visits they never see her leaving from the front door . The fact of the matter is some of them use the back door to leave but some of them never leave at all . When we moved to this house , as my older brother tells me ; there was a lot of blood stains in the second floor . Most of this blood was found in the hallway that had five bathrooms ; two on each side and one at the very end . He said that there was even a woman who knocked at our door asking for a " Doctora " . The house frightened me a lot . I was a very imaginative child . I had imaginary friends . But unlike most children I had a gift . I could see things other people could not see . I was born partially blind . I had congenital cataracts on both my eyes . This made me unable to use my central vision . So I relied looking the side of eyes ; in my peripheral vision . At first , I thought it was nothing . But as I grew I started seeing spirits . I felt things behind me , sometimes on my back , sometimes holding my hair . When I would turn to look they would show for a split second , but then would vanish right away . So let 's we go back to that day , when my mom left . I was alone in second floor kitchen near the mysterious hallway . It was Holy Week . The house was very quiet . My sister and brothers weren 't at home . It was just me and our nanny there . She was in the playroom folding our clothes . Since I was but a child , I played that day . I was not aware of the horror that was to come . The sun was shining brightly outside and the sky was so blue . I felt curious about the mysterious hallway which I was told never to come near to , specially the door at the very end . Maybe it was boredom , maybe it was a strange pull ; I found myself going into the forbidden hallway . I never went close to the barricaded door before . But I really wanted to see it . I had to go near since I can 't really see from afar . I slowly crept closer and closer . The smell of the place was dank . The air suddenly felt cold . I wanted to touch the wood nailed to the door to prevent it from opening . I slowly moved my hand close to the door . Suddenly , there was an old woman . She gripped my arm . It hurt a lot . My body froze . I could not move nor could I scream . She looked at me with big grey eyes . She looked wretched . Her hair was a gray mop . Her skin was so wrinkled it looked like the bark of an old tree . Her skin was grayish too . She wore a gray tunic like rag of a dress . In her left hand was a long walking stick or a staff . Her hand was very cold . I finally got a hold of my body . I walked slowly backwards … Then I finally ran to my nanny in the playroom . The woman followed me . I screamed . She was still behind me . She got into the room at the same time that I was about to forewarn our nanny . Our nanny was stricken with fear . Her eyes grew big and jaw dropped . She had cold beads of sweat all over . Finally the old woman spoke . My mother returned that night . We sat in the table eating dinner . I told my family my story . At first they would not believe me , but the nanny saw the old wretched witch as well . They were all frightened . My mother and father decided to leave the said haunted house . We decided to leave not just because of what happened to me . But because of many , many creepy surreal things that has come about in that house . It was said by people near our house that the doctor who lived there was woman who whose heart was broken . She was impregnated by man who left her so she decided to abort her child . She was said to have lost her mind afterwards and decided to devote her energy into removing fetuses and even almost full term children from mothers ' wombs . They said that the woman felt happy at the sight of blood . It was also said that she was almost arrested for her illegal acts and the death of some of her patients . Before the police came to get her , she committed suicide in that very bathroom . Haunted houses … They have intrigued as since time in memorial . We have always wondered what goes inside those four walls . The mere words " haunted house " creates a mental picture for us about an old creepy house filled with cobwebs . We always think about the ghouls and ghosts lurking inside . So what if you go on a real spooky exploration into one of this places ? What will you see ? What will you experience ? The Haunted House Myths - During the Medieval times , royalty lived in large castles . Many rooms were sometimes not tended . These places where cold , dark and damp . The lack of electricity lent to the horrific tales the beset the walls of such palaces . Some royalties were evil and tyrannical . When these people died , their souls are said to cast a strong energy upon the castle . Such energy allowed them to still roam the plane of living . Many servants would report that their previous masters haunted the old walls that they used to live in . In Asian cultures many believe that material things that people loved when they are living can be possessed by them once they die . They may torment people in the present since they are not aware that they have been long dead . These tales have now brought about the stories behind the sordid and scary walls of haunted houses . A haunted house is not just a huge mansion filled with cobwebs . It can be a small flat in New York City where someone was murdered . It can be a hut in the hot planes of Africa . It can be a beautiful beach house in the Caribbean . Ghosts - Haunted houses normally are inhabited by ghosts . These are souls who have not moved on into the other realm or souls who feel that they have some unfinished business . They walk through walls . Women with torn clothes raped and abused . Children with rag dolls full of blood . Men with cut - off limbs . Priests with tortured bodies . Ghosts can be people who were unaware that they have died . They may feel that they are still alive and would try to go about their business . These ghosts are not dangerous , unless they were evil when they were alive . If an evil person suddenly dies without him knowing it , he can cause a great haunting . On the other hand there are ghosts who knew they have died and are seeking revenge . They can be so powerful that they turn into poltergeists . Poltergeists are entities that can cause noises in the haunted house or even hurt people . Sometimes , if your soul is weak and you visit one of this houses , they can possess your body . Sometimes people also believe that they see angels . This is often shown as a sparkly type light which can be seen around people , often around people 's hands . If you think that any of these things has happened to you it may be worth contacting a psychic medium . If you feel odd about the thought of actually having to speak to someone you could try a psychic email reading , I have found these to be invaluable , if you are not sure if they really work then read more about that here . Haunted Objects - Living people can have a preference towards certain things when they are alive . They may have a favorite chair , a favorite mirror , a beloved doll or an old clock . As you love an item , a part of their soul is imprinted to that item . It lives a trace of their spirit there . Once they die , sometimes that soul refuses to move on and attaches itself to that item . One of the most popular of these are haunted dolls . These dolls can be haunted by the owner who chooses to use the doll as a host . Others are because they feel lost because their owners , who once loved them have abandoned them . These dolls find refuge in the old houses they used to live in . Chairs may also rock back and forth without anyone sitting on them . They creek and creek into the night , with their hinges cold and frozen . Mirrors have been symbols of astral planes . Once a mirror is left in an abandoned house it can be used as a bridge to cross over the world of the living . Shape Shifting Monsters - Many of us see an old scraggly dog near an old decrepit house . We dismiss them , thinking that the poor creature is just looking for shelter . We see birds inside the house , looking at the window directly into your eyes . We see them and look at them and then we feel a chill run down our spine . Evolution tells us that change is inevitable , mutation can allow these creatures to have powers that we should be afraid of . If you are a brave soul , and you wish to embark on an adventure in an abandoned abode then you should be prepared . This is not an adventure for the faint of heart . If the house is not haunted , you can merely roam around and take pictures and have fun . But what if it is ? What will you do if you see a woman dressed in white , with blood stains all over her body ? What will you do if you see a headless man ? Will you run ? But what if you can 't ? If you believe in entities that are evil then you should be prepared . You should have weapons to protect you . If you don 't believe in such , bring the armaments as well . It would be cool to be in the mood . So , if you 're planning to go a haunted house for Halloween , prepare yourself , be strong . You have to face the unknown . It may scare you or it may be the best adventure you can have . Are you the haunted or the hunter ? Are you searching for stories and news about the paranormal and parallel worlds ? Have you ever felt haunted or have you ever want to hunt them ( ghosts ) instead ? Come and join the Haunted Times Society and let us give you the tales and stories of horror and mystery . Some of the tales are true and some may be imagined , yet wouldn 't it be wonderful to find out for your self ?

Posted on February 20 , 2017 by shadowonthestars I felt the roughness of the concrete beneath me as I shifted on my perch . The world below me seemed so far away and I guess it was . Eight stories to be exact . I worked to control my breathing , in and out , in and out , over and over again that lesson I never had to be taught . On the next breath , I take a hit , feel it cloud my mind , just a little bit . I 'm not totally gone , but I will be . Nothing matters anymore . Especially not being safe . My hand hits the wall harder than I expected it to . I feel my cheeks move without my consent , grimacing as pain radiates up my arm and across my body . I take a depth breath , try to absorb the pain , try to make it drown out the rest of my life but it doesn 't really work . It never does . I set down my blunt with more care than I thought possible at the moment and in the same motion pick up my bottle of tequila and bring it to my lips . Sputtering , I put the bottle back down , forcing the burning liquid down my throat at the same time . I 'm starting to feel it now . The little I can see of the world , the few shining streetlights and the taillights of passing cars , begin to sway . Or maybe that 's just me . I 'm never quite sure of what is happening when I get like this . I guess that 's part of the problem . The blunt is against my lips again and I 'm not sure how it got there but I take another hit anyway . Holding the smoke in my lungs , I look at the stars twinkling above me . My vision is clouded by the smoke as it escapes from within me , a sign of my inability to do anything right . A cough crawls up my throat and I struggle to keep it silent , like the rest of my endeavor . But I guess that 's another thing I 'm bad at , keeping quite when I should . Or maybe keeping quite when I shouldn 't . I guess I 'll never really know . It was all her fault anyway . Hope . Her name was such a contradiction to what she did to my life . But I couldn 't really blame this whole shit storm on her . But if she hadn 't been such a fucking idiot I wouldn ' It started out fairly tame , but it always seems that way until the alcohol hits . I didn 't drink much . A shot of vodka here , a sip of beer there . I wasn 't comfortable with these people , and besides , what 's so great about being drunk anyway ? " The freedom it gives , " she always said , but I never really believed her on that . We all work too hard to control every aspect of our lives . Why give it up because someone shoves a drink in your face ? I guess she liked to let go of her control . I guess that 's what she was doing when she went in his bedroom with him . I guess she let go of our friendship too in that moment , me laying on the floor in the living room , pretending to be asleep , her in his bedroom fucking him even though she didn 't give a damn about him . She just wanted to be " cool " , to escape her homeschooler image . But she lost herself in that escape . And she lost me too . I gave up on us in that moment . I left without a word , grabbed my things and ran away . I barely made it to the car before breaking down , sobs ripped from my chest as I tried not to think about what they were doing in there . I wasn 't really that hurt or surprised . Mostly it was that little green demon that reared up every time she told me about her newest boy toy , the little demon that made me see red . The demon that destroyed too many of my friendships combined with my inability to fight against it . The breeze hits my body , goosebumps race across my arms . It changes the direction of the smoke too , sending it off over the edge of the parking deck . I watch it as it floats away , swaying in time with the earth , trying not to lean too far forward for fear of falling . My mind drifted just like the smoke in front of my face as the memories tried to swallow me . Her voice sounds like heaven to my ears while my heart is being shredded by all the thoughts going through my head . We hadn 't spoken in three days , hadn 't exchanged a single word since I ran away . All I 'd gotten since then was a text berating me for leaving because it scared the shit out of her . Like she had any right to be mad at me for that night . " It 's okay . I understand . " Steady . The words sounded steady . Unlike the completely erratic beating of my heart , threatening to burst through my chest . The moment dragged on , silence on both sides of the phone . I started panicking , the silence causing my overwrought heart to beat even faster . So I rambled . I told her things I 'd never said to her before . My porn addiction . How her nudes had really bothered me . My jealousy of her ability to get anyone to talk to her . How I really wanted to fall asleep in someone 's arms last night . On and on I went , but silence was all I heard . Another moment passed before her voice came through the speaker . " Is that all ? " The voice was calm , too calm , after everything I just said . " I wonder if she actually heard a word of that ? " managed to cross my mind before she spoke again . " Cause I feel like there 's more ? " The questioning tone in her voice nudged at me , wanting me to respond with a negative , wanting me to tell her that this is all my fucked up mind could find wrong with our friendship . The words made their way past my lips , almost against my will , " I think … . I 'm kinda in love with you . " The silence filled the empty space of my car while the world drifted in and out of focus . My breath was harsh against my own ears , once I started breathing again . " I 'm sorry …… . But I don 't see you that way . " That hole in my chest , the one that grew every time I lost a friend , threatened to consume me even as I knew what she would say next . The words left her lips and I mouthed them to myself , my body shaking like a leaf in a wind storm . " We can still be friends , right ? " With fingers shaking , lost in my haze of memories , my hand didn 't connect with the tequila like I wanted it to . The crash as it hit the ground was deafening and yet barely a whisper in the night air . I 'm scared to look , scared to see the shattered remains of the thing that was right next to me , high up on my perch . I try , try to force my body to look over the edge , try not to think about following the bottle to the ground . I bring the blunt to my lips , hoping it will calm me down . Or maybe it will push me over the edge . I 'm not quite sure what I need right now . As the smoke leaves my lungs , memories cloud my mind , drifting over my carefully constructed walls . It had only been a couple of days since the phone call and I was waiting once again . It seems like I spend 1all my time waiting . Waiting for it to stop hurting . Waiting for it to all get better . Or , in this moment , waiting for Anna to get off of work . My eyes , unfocused and fuzzy , scan the parking lot methodically , waiting for a glimpse of Anna 's teal hair . I glance at the clock , blinking , and look back up . And there is a flash of hair . A color I would never forget . It wasn 't the teal of Anna 's hair . No . This was her hair . Hope . My chest throbbed as she left the store . My heartbeat pounded in my ears , like the bass at a rock concert while my blood flowed through my veins , burning me alive but freezing at the same time . I didn 't feel my body and yet every nerve ending screamed at me for those hideously long moments , acutely aware of my pain . My focus was so absolute I almost didn 't see him . But he was there . His arm around her waist , his head close to hers , whispering into her ear . Sharp pain shot across my body as the pieces clicked into place . " Sorry I couldn 't meet today like we planned . My parents needed me at home " Lies . Bold - faced lies . But why ? Was she trying to avoid me ? Trying to avoid our conversation ? The inevitable heartbreak that it was destined to be ? Or did she just want to see him ? They always picked someone over me … . A moment of silence dragged on , with only my ragged breathing filling the car . " Hope was here . She just left with him . She said she couldn 't meet today because her family needed her at home . So why was she with him ? " My voice edged on hysteria but I couldn 't stop . " What did I do wrong ? What is so fucking wrong with me ? " The words that I had thought for so long filled the car , drowning me , drowning both of us . " You didn 't do anything wrong , babe . She 's just a bitch . " Anna took a hit off her vape and the vapor filled my car for a moment , hiding me from her gaze . Her words were soothing but they did nothing for the pain in my heart . I barely felt her hand on my shoulder , offering comfort that I didn 't want . " I got some new shit yesterday . Let 's go try it out , see if it gets your mind off of her . " Anna 's voice filled my car again , calm and relaxed like we would soon feel . My head was nodding before the words actually made sense in my brain . Forgetting was all I needed right now . " Tobacco - free campus , " he muttered under his breath . " What a fucking stupid idea . People need to smoke . It 's just a fact of life . " With his words as a reminder , he stopped a moment to light his pipe . But then he smelled it , even before lighting his own . It wafted toward him , enticing him into moving closer to the shadows created by the lights . As his eyes adjusted to the shadows , a figure started to take shape . It was sitting on the edge of the parking garage wall and he saw a flash of red , the glowing end of a lighted blunt , a sight he knew all too well . He continued moving forward , hoping the person would let him smoke with them , because smoking is always better with company . Maybe they would even share , cause his stash was running low and his bitch - ass dealer wasn 't responding to his texts . He continued moving forward , already making plans about smoking until he couldn 't move . I just want to feel something . Alive . Or maybe just less alone . I want my life to be like the movies . I want to ride of into the sunset , happily ever after . But I 'd only felt a mutation of happiness for the past couple of years . It was always based on who I called my best friend . Too many people to count in the past couple of years , with Hope now at the top of the list . Even the thought of her name sends pain across my chest and her face across my eyes . My " best friends " never stuck around for long , no matter how many times they told me forever . Bullshit . But I still want them back , want to feel the joy that those friendship bring . But all I feel now is fear . And God can I feel it . It 's breaking through the weed , through the tequila , through the thoughts of what I want to do , and it 's trying to control me , trying to make me do its bidding . It wants me to get down , to go home , to be safe . It tries to make me change my mind . But my mind is made up . I 'm done now . So fucking done . And this time I won 't fuck it up . He must of smoked more than he thought because in the next moment he tripped over the air in front of him . And then he was falling . He flung his arms in front of him hoping to break his fall . He almost didn 't feel them connect with the shoulder - blade of the person he had been moving towards as the ground rushed towards his face Shuffling . I hear it behind me , startling me out of my thoughts . As I turn to look and see what has crept up behind me , a hand hits me in the shoulder , shoving me forward . My body moves without my say - so forced as it is by the body that just hit it . It was gone . It had been there just a moment before sitting on the edge of the wall and it was gone . He moved closer to the edge , knuckles white against the wall . His first glance reveled nothing . Seconds stretch on for an eternity , and finally his eyesight adjusts to the damning darkness down below . A streetlight reflecting off a broken bottle , creating a small prism in the night . And then he saw it . The body he had desperately hoped was a figment of his high . There it was , sprawled out on the ground , limbs stretched out at impossible angles , unmoving and broken . Lost in the horror of it , of what he had , or hadn 't , witnessed , he barely breathed as he struggled to grab his phone out of his pocket . His shaking fingers struggled to type those three simple numbers that were drummed into every child 's head . After what seemed like years , he heard a voice , " 9 - 1 - 1 . What is your emergency ? " He couldn 't speak , couldn 't make his body do anything . He tried , god he tried , but gargles are the only thing that came out . Numbness crept up his limbs , straight into his chest and it hit him like a feather that this was shock . His phone fell out of his unfeeling hand and he watched it spinning in the air until it hit the ground , shattering on impact . The numbness hit his head then , mixing with his still - remaining high . His body fell from beneath him hitting the ground with a thunk . His breathing , quiet and even , filled the empty top floor of the parking garage . I wasn 't aware of the commotion around me . The red and blue flashing lights , the siren song of an ambulance on the run , or the screaming and crying of the small crowd below . All I knew was darkness . | Tagged original , short story | Leave a comment Posted on February 20 , 2017 by shadowonthestars Standing in the middle of the tent , almost unable to breathe , he had to force his legs into motion . His movements were slow , deliberate , and terrified . His heart was racing in his chest but his mind was as clear as a morning sunrise . As he neared the exit of the tent he had to stop for a moment and feel his face to be sure . All his fingers felt was smooth skin . There was no imprint there , just like he had feared would happen . But he couldn 't believe it . He honestly could not believe it . He had heard vague stories about this , always told late at night when the elders weren 't listening . He knew it was rare , but he had never dreamed this would happen to him . Or not happen might be a better way to say it . His spirit half couldn 't find him . He was alone . He would be alone forever . He was so clouded by something that he wasn 't able to get in touch with his other half . His heart skipped a beat at this thought . He took another step toward the entrance to his tent but his legs wouldn 't move anymore . He didn 't think he could face them , all the hopeful faces waiting to see the imprint on his face . The imprint that hadn 't appeared during his failure of a ceremony . The ceremony had started long ago , with the original leader of the clan . It was a story that had been passed down from generation to generation . It was said that one day the original chieftain got lost in the woods while gravely injured . He was just beginning to give into the throes of despair when a wild horse stumbled upon him in the clearing he was dying in . To his unending shock , the horse did not run away from him . Instead it came closer and closer until he could see the whites of its eyes . The story says they must have stared into each others eyes for several minutes before the horse made its move . It must have seen something kind in the chieftain 's eyes because it stopped next to him and allowed the man to ride it back to his camp where he received treatment for his injuries . From that day on , the man and the horse were inseparable . Their bond stretched beyond this life and into the next . After many years , the horse passed away from old age . The chieftain was heartbroken , until his son , who was just reaching the age of maturity , came to him with the imprint of a hoof on his check . The young man told a magical tale of waking up alone in the woods with the spirit of the horse next to him . The horse asked if his spirit could join the young man 's body and help to guide him through his life . The chieftain 's son accepted the horse 's offer and the horse then put his hoof against the young man 's cheek , creating the imprint that he carried from that day forward . The chieftain was overjoyed to find out that the horse that had saved him had joined with his son 's spirit . The chieftain journeyed into the woods to the clearing his son had described . He wanted to stand on the holy ground and praise the horse spirit that had been in his life for so long . It soon became tradition that each chieftain would leave the clan during a young man 's birthday and venture into the woods to pray and praise the spirit halves he felt there . Over the years , more and more of the young men of the clan were joined in spirit to that of an animal . Eventually , the clan created a ceremony to celebrate this monumental occasion in a young man 's life . The ceremony became more prestigious as time passed , but it always followed the same basic premise . A young man , a week before his fifteenth birthday , the age of maturity in the clan , would build a tent in the woods , in which he would be bonded with his spirit animal . The young men were thought to be guided to the location of their tent , and the materials with which to build it , by their future spirit animal . Each young man would then spend his birthday in the tent , bonding with his spirit half . The time it took to bond varied from boy to boy , depending on the bond they had with the animal in the physical world . But the boys always left with some kind of imprint of their spirit half on their cheek as a sign of the animal 's spirit entering into the body of the young man . On a " What did the spirit do to you ? Were you scared ? " " The spirit told me to light a fire in the tent . He stood in the corner while I did it and I swear his eyes were possessed . They were so dark and soulless . Almost like … . . " He trailed off . " His eyes were like what ? " " I really shouldn 't talk about this " , he replied , with a nervous glance toward the woods around them . " He said I shouldn 't talk about it . He said he would know if I talked about it . " The boy 's panic started to increase with each phrase , his body shaking with fear . " Well just finish your other statement . The waiting is killing me . Please . " The boy took a deep breath before he responded . His voice was quieter than a mouse when he said , " His eyes looked like the chieftain after a fresh kill . Dark , soulless , dead . But with that gleam that makes us all want to run … . That 's all I 'm going to say . We need to hurry up and finish . We 've wasted too much time as is . " He had never felt the call like the other boys had . They all talked about it , especially as their fifteenth year came closer and closer . As each boy reached the age of maturity , they found solace and companionship in an animal or nature in general . But he never found this solace or companionship anywhere or with anything . When he walked in nature , he felt nothing . He felt no connection to the plants or the animals around him . He was terrified by this lack of connection in his life . So he learned to fake it . He followed the pattern of the other boys , being careful to modify his version of their stories just enough so they wouldn 't be able to tell that the stories he told were actually their stories . The week before his ceremony he did what all the other boys had done . He wandered through the woods , praying he would feel called to build his tent somewhere , anywhere . Or that he would feel called to build with something he found . After a solid day without a call from nature , he decided that he would just have to fake this too . He tried not to make a big deal about the place he decided to build his tent . Most of the boys were able to explain why they felt like their place was right . But he just mumbled something about it just feeling right when someone asked , all the while praying they wouldn 't dig any deeper . Although he got a couple of interesting looks from some of the older clan members , no one questioned the place he decided to call his . The morning of his ceremony dawned , clear and bright , with birds singing in the woods and dew glistening on the grass . His mother was beyond thrilled for his ceremony . She prayed he would redeem their family name after the shame that was his older brother . When his father passed away a few years earlier , his brother gave up on their clan . Their father had been ill for a prolonged amount of time and his brother thought that the clan medicine man had not done enough to save him , seeing as he was too busy trying to prepare for the ceremonies that were happening that week . BecausThe ceremony itself had one downfall in their clan . If a young man failed to find a spirit half on his fifteenth birthday , he was deemed too damaged to be a significant part of the clan . He was given to the chieftain to do with as he willed . Most of the young men who failed to find a spirit half remained in the chieftain tent for one night , presumably to learn about how to survive in the world outside the clan , before being forced out of the clan forever . On rare occasions , the chieftain would take certain boys as his , using them to do menial chores for him and his family . These boys were particularly tight - lipped about what they did for the chieftain although their eyes always seemed to be darting around , either looking for a threat or an escape . What terrified him even more then disappointing his mother were the rumors . They had been flitting around camp for weeks , growing in hideousness each time they were told . Each story was slightly different but they all had one main character . The chieftain . The only other repeating factor in the stories was the presence of a young man with the chieftain . In some stories the men left the chieftain 's tent with suspiciously red eyes and dried tear stains . In other stories , the they left his tent with blood stains on their clothing . But the young men always left his tent under the cover of darkness and it was an unspoken but well understood rule that no one was to ask about what happened in the chieftain 's tent . No matter what story was told , the boys of the camp had become increasingly wary of the chieftain , each of them wishing to remain out of his sight . He finally worked up the willpower to move . Putting one shaking foot in front of the other , he lifted up the flap of his tent and went to face his clan . Blinking to adjust to the sudden influx of sunlight , he watched as , one by one , the faces of his clan members fell as they saw his cheek . He turned to look for his mother , hoping she would not hate him for his failure . She made eye contact with him and deliberately turned her back on him , making her opinion of his failure know . He felt something break inside him at that point , perhaps the last piece of hope he had left in his life leaving him . He wanted to sink to his knees , wanted to break down and cry , mourn the loss of his family and his future , but he forced himself to remain upright and strong . He watched as his clan walked away , each member turning their back on him , turning their back on the memories they shared together . He couldn 't say he was surprised though . He would have done the same thing if he had been on the other side of this ceremony . The lack of a spirit half was too shameful to come back from . At this point , he knew his time with the clan was coming to a close . " There is not , " he replied , a slight tremble in his voice . " I have failed to connect with my spirit half . If I even have one . " This was said with a slightly stronger tone . " You will spend tonight in my tent . I will explain to you about surviving outside the clan , among other things . You will leave before the sun rises tomorrow morning . You may have the afternoon to say your goodbyes , if anyone wishes to speak to you . Be at my tent before the sun sets . " As the chieftain walked away , the young man shivered , but not with cold . There was something about the chieftain , something about the glint in his eye , or perhaps the rumors he had heard , that made him dread going to his tent tonight . He made his way back toward the camp , his dread mounting with every step . His former clan members refused to make eye contact with him , lowering their heads when they noticed him walking by . He felt his heart break a little every time one of his former friends walked by without saying anything . His family tent came into view and he hurried to it . Perhaps his mother would actually speak to him before he left . When he entered the tent , she was sitting by the fire pit , watching the glowing embers . Hearing the slight whisper of the entrance opening , she looked up and into the eyes of her remaining son . " Why are you here ? Haven 't you been banished by now ? " " The chieftain gave me until sunset to say my goodbyes to the clan . You 're the first person to actually talk to me . " His words were spoken with a calm he did not feel . " You shouldn 't have come back . You failed me . Just like your father and brother . You 've left me alone in the clan , alone to fend for myself . How am I going to survive the winter ? There is no man left in my family to hunt for me . Will I have to survive solely on what I can pick for myself ? " " I have no interest in hearing your excuses . I must plan how I am going to live by myself . Maybe I shall just die . It might be easier . Take your stuff and leave . I have no need for it here . I will need all the space I can get to prepare for this winter " He did not even try to argue with her . Once she set her mind to something , the woman was impossible to sway . He grabbed his bedroll and extra jerkin and paused a moment to take one last look around his old tent . He continued on his way to the entrance , pausing for a moment next to his mother . He laid a quick kiss on her cheek and noticed the glossy look of her eyes . As he exited the tent for the last time , he pretend not to notice the streaks down her face or the gentle shaking of her shoulders , wanting to let her mourn his leaving in peace . Looking at the sky as he left the tent , he tried to judge how much time he had left before he needed to be at the chieftain 's tent . Using a moment to stop and take a deep breath , he wondered if he would be okay . The wilderness was a terrifying place , especially for someone traveling alone with no weapon . He said a quick prayer that the chieftain would gift him with a weapon of some kind before sending him off but he didn 't get his hopes up . He knew it wasn 't likely that the chieftain would do something so kind to an outcast . The sun was just starting to set as he walked up to the front of the chieftain 's tent . He turned his back on it for a moment and looked back on the camp he had called home for fifteen years . He watched the children being shooed inside by their mothers . He watched the men and women just a few years older than him do their awkward mating dances by the village fire pit . He watched the older men come in from the forest , bearing that days kill for their families . Turning to the forest , he gazed at it one final time from the safety of his clan before turning back to the chieftain 's tent to face his future . Posted on February 20 , 2017 by shadowonthestars Nathaniel looked over his shoulder to check on the young man riding behind him . Jared looked like a natural on the horse , his face rosy in the early morning chill . He had a slight smile on his face , only visible to Nathaniel because he had gotten to know the boy over the past few weeks . The boy tended to be quiet and reserved but animals brought something out in him . He actually looked alive when he was around his dog and now the horse . Their journey so far had been easy . They had remained on the main road , trying to reach the town of Greensville where Nathaniel had heard a sooth resided . He hoped the sooth would help to guide him on his path The princess he had set out to rescue was rumored to be only a few towns north of there . It was unknown to him what beasts may be laying in what for him when he got there and he prayed that the sooth would be able to see the dangers ahead on his path . They had been on the road for a few days when Nathaniel got tired of having to slow down because the boy couldn 't keep up with him on foot . Nathaniel didn 't blame the boy but it was making their travels far slower than they should be . When they stopped at Aldebourgh because of the dark clouds in the sky , Nathaniel told Jared to stay at the inn and keep an eye on the animals . The boy agreed , that slight smile making its way onto his lips . Nathaniel traveled into the town , looking for someone to buy a horse from . He 'd made the decision to buy a horse for the boy to use the night before when he found the boy near their campfire for the night , his toes swollen and blistered . The boy never let any pain show on his young face but Nathaniel knew he had to be in massive amounts of pain with every step he took . Nathaniel traveled into town and stopped at one of the bars near the center . He spoke to a few of the men there , trying to find someone to buy a horse from . The best name he got was Benjamin who lived near the edge of the village . Nathaniel made it to the man 's house with no problems , knocking on the solid door when he arrived at the man 's house . The door opened without a sound , a few seconds after his knock . The man looked at Nathaniel with only a small amount of confusion in his eyes , not recognizing the stranger in front of him . " Well yes sir I am . What can I do for you ? " a burly man with a thick brown beard and piercing blue eyes replied . " I heard you have horses for sale . I would like to take a look at them . " " Yes , of course sir . They 're ' round back . If you 'd follow me . " The two men walked around the stone building to the barn near the back . The man opened the tall wooden door to the barn and led Nathaniel into the cozy warmth of the animal filled building . The comforting sounds of animals filled Nathaniel 's ears and he took a deep breath of the musty air . " These here are the ones I got for sale . They 're all strong , reliable beasts , " Benjamin led Nathaniel to the left side of the barn where three horses were located in separate stalls with fresh water and some dried hay . Nodding in appreciate of the care Benjamin took of the horses , Nathaniel took a long glance at the horses . Nathaniel felt an immediate attachment to the white horse that was farthest away . He took the few required steps across the hay covered floor to the beast . It was a magnificent horse , pure white with a tangle free mane , obviously well cared for . " Anything I should know about this one ? " " Most even - tempered beast I 've ever seen . Got the stamina of nothing I 've ever seen . The niece named him Snowflake . Not the most original name , but what can you say to a five - year old who sees a white horse ? " The man chuckled at the last bit , lost in the memories of the girl . Nathaniel and the man negotiated the price of the horse , Nathaniel getting it down to a fair price . Ben even threw in a saddle with the sale , seeming to sense that Nathaniel didn 't have time to waste looking for somewhere to buy one . When Nathaniel arrived back at the inn leading Snowflake behind him , Jared was in the barn , curled up with his dog , snoring slightly . Nathaniel chuckled at the sight , remembering the days when all he needed was nap with an animal to be satisfied . He only had to say the boy 's name a few times before he stretched and let out a long yawn . Confusion covered his face when he saw Nathaniel with a second horse , not understanding what was going on . Nathaniel blamed it on the fact that the boy had just woken up , he was usually quicker on the uptake . " The horse is for you to use on our travels . I 've seen your feet when we stop for the night . You should have told me that they were bothering you . " " I don 't want to be a bother sir . I get food every night and a safe place to sleep . And you don 't smack me around . I don 't need much more than that . " " Well I don 't want you to lose your feet because of me so the horse is yours to use . His name is Snowflake . The niece of the man I bought him from named him . " Jared 's eyes were shining with a combination of joy and wonder . This was the brightest Nathaniel had ever seen his eyes and the boy 's lips were slightly parted . The boy went up to the horse and stroked a soft hand down the side of the horse 's strong neck . The horse whinnied in response and his head to look into the eyes of the boy next to him . A few moments passed , the boy and horse lost in each other 's eyes before Snowflake seemed to decided he like Jared and nudged him for another stroke down his neck . Nathaniel couldn 't help but remember another boy like this , who 'd only shown true joy when he was surrounded by the beasts that made him happy . Samuel had been the stable boy when he was growing up , working in the stable from the time he was old enough to help . Nathaniel wasn 't really supposed to talk to him but sometimes he managed to escape from his nurse and he was always found in the stable . He first met Samuel when he was ten . Nathaniel had crept into the barn in the evening twilight , hoping to see the new horse his father had bought a few days earlier . The way his father talked about it he was almost expecting to see a unicorn hidden in the back corner of the barn . The nurse that told him that story had been sent away for " polluting " his mind with frivolous stories about things that didn 't exist . After Nathaniel saw the new horse , a simple sleepy beast that didn 't do much more than blink at him when he looked into its stall , he decided to wander around the barn and see if there was anything interesting to look at . The goats were the same as they always were talking to each other in their goat voices . Nathaniel moved onto the cows next because they tended to be calm enough for him to pet without the worry of being trampled . Samuel was in the last stall on the right side of the barn were the cows were kept . Nathaniel didn 't notice him at first because the boy was so quiet . He was a small child in worn , servile clothing with several patches sewn carefully into the elbows and knees . Nathaniel had never had his clothing patched , as he was never allowed to be rough enough in his play that he hurt his clothing . As Nathaniel walked over to the boy , his boot hit a tool left lying on the floor , causing it to make a clatter that startled the boy in front of him . The boy turned around , a guilty look on his young face . He moved away from the cow he was petting , his hand coming to rest at his side . " No it 's alright . I 'm not really supposed to be here either . My name 's Nathaniel . " He stuck his hand out for the boy to shake , as he had been taught to do over the years by his many nurses . The boy took Nathaniel 's hand with hesitation , like he was expecting it to be slapped away at the last second . His eyes were darting around the room , refusing to make contact with Nathaniel 's . Nathaniel noticed that his eyes were the most interesting shade of blue he 'd ever seen . Like the blue of the ocean in the tapestry in the front hall , though the boy 's eyes contained a hint of green that the ocean was lacking . " And your name is ? " The boy turned bright red before muttering something indistinguishable . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't catch that . " " It 's nice to meet you Samuel . " Turning to look at the cows next to them Nathaniel asked , " Which ones your favorite ? Mine 's always been that one in the corner . She 's such a surly beast . Reminds me of my aunt Mary . " It took Samuel a few moments to calm down and then he seemed to remember the question that had been asked of him . " My favorite is the one in front . She 's got the sweetest eyes . " The boys continued to meet up every couple of days in the barn . They talked about anything and everything for hours on end , nestled in the comfort of upper level of the barn where Nathaniel 's family stored random odds and ends for the animals . The left over saddle blankets made a wonderful cover for the hard floor of the barn and the boys took advantage of the many that had been left up there . Nathaniel told Samuel all the stories his nurses had told him , Samuel 's favorites being the ones about the unicorns and dragons , filled with fighting and adventures galore . A loud pop from the fire startled Nathaniel out of his musings . Jared was sitting across the flames , his hand resting on the top of his dog 's head . He was staring straight ahead , his eyes unseeing of the burning wood . Mindlessly scratching the dog behind its ear , a spot that always reduced the beast to a puddle on the ground , Jared was perfectly still otherwise . Nathaniel had to appreciate that the boy was so attuned to his dog that he could find that spot without even thinking about it . They were stuck in the woods tonight . Having to detour around an overflowing river had gotten them behind on their travels and they hadn 't made it to Woodbridge for the night . The stars shone brightly above them , twinkling and serene were they were visible in the gaps between the trees . " My ma always loved the stars . " Jared 's voice interrupted Nathaniel 's perusal of the stars above . " She liked to tell me stores about them growing up , me ma did . Told me about a knight who climbed up the highest mountain in the world to touch the stars . He brought back a bit of star dust for his lady but she 'd already moved on , " Jared looked at Nathaniel , seeming to think he would be told to stop talking like Rosalie always used to tell him when he started one of his stories . When Nathaniel merely gestured for him to continue , Jared took a breath and started up again . " She left him for some rich bastard , his lady did . Said she didn 't want no man who would up and leave to go touch the stars . Ma said the knight was never the same after that . Always looking up to the stars that he so loved but had lost him his love . Climbed all the way back up , wanting to see that beauty again , " Jared paused to look at his dog for a moment . The fire crackled in the evening air , creating a small circle of warmth for the men seated near it . " When he got to the top , surrounded by all that star dust , all he could think about was his lady . My ma used ta say that he musta sat in that star dust so long he turned into a star . She always said he was that real bright one there , right above those little stars in a line . " They sat in silence for a moment , both of them staring up at the star Jared had pointed out . The woods were mostly silent , the animals hidden away from the winter chill . The wind was calm tonight , only rattling the branches around them every so often . They were at peace for the night , guarded by the knight star nestled up above them . He shone like the fire , his twinkling a promise to keep them safe for the evening . | Tagged original , rosebud inn , short story | Leave a comment Posted on February 20 , 2017 by shadowonthestars The inn loomed up out of the receding sunlight . The sign hanging over the door had the words " Rosebud Inn " engraved into the pieces of wood that made it was made of . On either side of the door rose bushes were planted , beginning to succumb to the coming chill of the winter months . The building itself was a sturdy brick structure with wooden window covers . The wind was starting to pick up and Nathaniel 's body shook with each cold gust . Nathaniel tied his horse , Umbra , to the post out front , hoping to get the poor beast into some warmth before the chill got any worse . Patting the horse on his nose , he stomped his feet in hopes of returning some feeling to them and turned toward the door . It was a massive oak masterpiece , roses carved all around the edges , and it opened with a low creak . Warmth escaped from the building and he welcomed the feeling around his chilled body . He moved inside , the floor creaking with every step . The place wasn 't crowded , just a few farmers seated near the fireplace talking to each other and sharing a pitcher of beer . There was a bar across the room with two grizzled men sitting several seats away from each other , heads downturned and empty glasses next to them . Nathaniel 's brown leather boots were a sharp contrast to the worn wooden floor below him . There were obvious marks in the floor from where chairs and tables had been moved over the years . Rubbing his hands together to force some feeling into the appendages , he made his way toward the bar and the man located behind it . The portly , grey - haired man was cleaning a glass while keeping his eye on the farmers by the fire . Taking note of Nathaniel 's fine clothing , the man perked up a bit and said , " My name 's Abe and I 'm the owner of this here establishment . What can I do for you , fine sir ? " " It 'll be five silver coins for the night and that 'll include tea tonight and breakfast tomorrow . My boy will take your horse out back . He 'll give him a good rub down , hay , and some fresh water from our well . " " That 's sounds fine Abe , " Nathaniel reached into the small , drawstring bag at his waist and grabbed the requested five silver coins . " Here you go Abe . Now I 've been on the road all day and find myself ready for a warm bed . Where can I find my room ? " " I 'll have the wife take you up there . Rosalie ! I have a gentleman here who 's ready to be taken to his room . The blue room if you please , Rosalie . " Rosalie strode through the door behind the bar , wiping here hands with a dish rag . Her dirty blond hair was pulled up in a simple braid and her clothes , while worn , were spotless . Rosalie had a round , rosy , face with kind blue eyes . " No need to bellow dear . I can hear you just fine through the door . " Turning to Nathaniel she said , " Up to the blue room we go . Did you need anything else , sir ? " " Of course , sir . And I 'll send the boy out back as soon as I get you settled . Blasted boy needs to earn his keep . " She led him up the stairs , muttering about the laziness of the boy the whole time . After they reached the top of the stairs , she led him down the hallway to a room with a small plaque on it that said , " Blue Room " , in childish handwriting . When Rosalie saw Nathaniel looking at the plaque , she smiled and said , " My daughter painted that a couple years back . Insisted we had to call this the blue room . That was always her favorite color . She passed away last year . That horrible fever that went around . " Rosalie 's voice got more choked as she went on and her eyes were a bit watery at the end . " Well I 'm sorry to hear that . My condolences . " " It 's okay . We 've moved up as best we can . Learned to count our blessings and all . Except for that damn boy . Can 't get him to do anything . " He settled into the room , which contained very little . A bed , lumpy but clean , with a small stack of pillows and blankets placed on the end and small table and mirror . The table held a pitcher of water for him to wash his face with . There was a fireplace off to one side of the room along with a pile of firewood . The fire was lite and the room had a warm and cozy feeling . After he ate , Nathaniel stripped to his long johns and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow . The morning sunshine flowed through the window beside his bed . Nathaniel wasted no time getting ready for the day , merely splashing some water on his face and slipping back into his clothing . As he didn 't bring much into the inn , there wasn 't much for him to grab on his way out . Making his way downstairs , he was greeted by Rosalie and told to sit wherever he liked for breakfast . The food was a simple but filling breakfast of porridge , eggs , and toast . There were a few other people in the main room with him but they all kept to themselves . When he finished eating , Nathaniel made his way across the creaking floors to Abe , who was standing behind the bar . " If you insist , sir . I know the boy could do it . He doesn 't do much well but he can saddle a horse . But you were going to do it yourself . The stable is round back . Head out the front door and make your way out back . You can 't miss it . " Nathaniel made his way to the stable with ease . It was a good sized structure with large wooden doors , opened to the sunlight . Rosalie was in front of it , standing with a boy who couldn 't be more than fifteen years old . As he got closer , Nathaniel saw that her kind face was bright red and the boy had a tinge of fear in his eyes . As he walked closer he was able to hear what she was saying to the boy . " You stupid boy , thinking you can steal from me . We feed you , we clothe you , we keep you safe and warm and this is how you repay us ? I should throw you out on the streets for your disrespect ! " Her voice rose as she went on and the sound of her hand hitting the boy 's face echoed across the yard . Although her slap was forceful , the boy didn 't not move an inch more than he had to . Her arm reared up for another blow but the boy still stood strong . " This blasted boy stole from me . I caught him red handed with one of the meat pastries I made for lunch in his hand . I feed the stupid child well but he never thinks it 's enough . This is the third time I 've caught him stealing in as many weeks . " " I can take care of him for you if you 'd like . No need for you to waste your time on him . I know you have better things to do . " " Well go take care of your stew , Rosalie . I 'll take care of the boy . " With one last threatening glare at the boy , Rosalie gave Nathaniel a grateful curtsy and made her way back inside . Nathaniel got his first good look at the boy and his eyes were drawn to the bright red handprint on his left cheek . Nathaniel 's eyes slid across the boy 's face to his eyes . The boy 's eyes were a deep brown , framed by long black lashes . Freckles dotted his nose and curly auburn hair fell wildly around his face . His body was long and gangly , like he still had some growing left but he stood with a self - assurance that was strange for a boy his age . " I didn 't steal no meat pie from that old witch . There were some scraps on the counter and I wanted to give up to me dog . He 's a mangy old thing but he 's all I got in this world . Don 't know what I 'd do without the stupid thing . Doesn 't matter to me if I go hungry but I hate to see the old beast starve . " " No sir I 'm not . They took me in when me mom died a couple months back . Told me I had to work for me keep . Try to do a good job for them but they 're never satisfied with my work . " Nathaniel looked at the boy for a few moments . Taking a deep breath , he said , " I 'm on a quest to rescue a princess named Isabella . The journey will be long and hard and there is no guarantee of anything but … . You are welcome to join me if you 'd like . I can promise you now I will not lay a hand on you . No one deserves that kind of discipline . " Jared looked at Nathaniel , his eyes bright and his posture strong . He clenched his fists several times before he spoke . " Well sir , I don 't think nothing could be worse than this . I mean I know I could be alone on the street but as far as living goes this ain 't very good . I 'll guess I 'll come with you . Give me a story to tell the grandkids someday . " Jared stood up even taller at the words we must be on our way . " I just have a few things to grab sir . And would it be alright if I bring my dog along ? He 's my best friend in the world and I 'd hate to leave him here with these people . " Jared nodded at his words and ran toward the house . He disappeared inside in a hurry to leave . Nathaniel shook his head , wondering what the hell he 'd just done . Deciding that this would just be a story to tell his grandkids , Nathaniel entered the barn to find his horse . The sunlight was flowing through the open doors and he found his stead with ease . Umbra let out a whinny when he reached the stall door . He had to smile because his horse knew him so well . He ran his hand down Umbra 's neck , paying special attention to the spot right above his back that always made the horse ecstatic . He found Umbra 's saddle and halter hung up neatly on the wall behind him . " I took special care of that one . Looks real well made and all . Thought it belonged to someone special , " Jared 's voice rang out across the stable . " Well you did a fine job Jared . I appreciate your hard work . Do you have all that you needed ? " " Yes sir . " The boy hefted a small rucksack over his shoulder . " I 've got everything but me dog . He should be out behind the barn . That 's where he usually waits for me . " Posted on February 20 , 2017 by shadowonthestars He had grown up with the story of the horse . That magical meeting between man and beast that had forever changed his father 's life . He knew the story like the trail to the watering hole . He could tell it in his sleep . He watched for years , the love shared between his father and the horse . It was almost as though they were two halves of the same soul . He watched time pass , first with joy , then with worry , as the horse began to age . His father left the village less and less as the horse became frailer . Almost like he was afraid that the next time he left would be the last time he would see his dear savior . He feared his father would never recover from the loss of this horse that had been his constant companion for many years . He tried , for many moons , to come up with a way to save his father from this pain . He knew , deep within his heart , that there was no way he could stop the horse from dying any more than he could stop the sun from setting or the river from flowing . Sitting with his clan mates around a roaring fire in the cold of an early winter morning , he watched as the young men , a few years older than himself , stuck their knives in the heat of the flames and then used the heated knives to imprint beautiful images on spare pieces of jerkin for the young women they shared the mating dance with . Watching the simple methodical process , he was struck with an idea , a way for his father to never lose the other half of his soul . He knew it would take time , time he didn 't have to waste and that he would have to be careful to not let anyone catch on to his plot but he thought that it might work Before the sun began to shine over the mountain tops in the distance , he rose and left his family 's tent . He carried very little , his knife , a small piece of extra jerkin , and a kindling bundle were all he needed to begin his plan . He crept into the woods , praying that none of his clan would follow him on his mission . Reaching a secluded spot in the woods , a grove of pine trees that had become his favorite spot over the long winter months , he began to collect a small amount of kindling and cleared a spot in the snow to light his fire . While the flames rose to a decent size , he used his knife to carve an image in the ground . Over and over he carved it , because it had to be perfect before he attempted to carve it into the jerkin . When the fire was small but bright , heat radiating off of it , he moved forward with his plan . He let his knife heat until it was glowing as red as the flames it had been resting in . And then he did what he had seen the other men do . He imprint the image in the jerkin . Every spare inch of it soon became covered with the image he selected . He set the jerkin down , admiring his handiwork . Although it wasn 't perfect , he knew he could do it . He could save his father from the heartbreak that would surely destroy him . Several moons passed as he perfected his craft . He could not work on it often , for fear of his mother noticing all the jerkin going missing . Each day he prayed he would have one more , one more day to ensure his plan would work . His father never left the camp anymore . The elders were starting to whisper about him , about how the horse was a demon who had stolen his soul all those years ago and now refused to leave him , to let him tend to his clan . And finally it happened . It was a dewy spring morning , the sprouts of green grass just beginning to show through the ground , when the horse finally passed away . His father was inconsolable . He disappeared into the woods , unable to be near the dead body of his dearest friend . The clan was of mixed opinions . The elders hoped that perhaps the horse 's death would grant his father freedom from the claim it had had on his soul . His mother was worried , worried her husband would never come back and the clan would descend into madness . The rest of the clan just prayed that their leader would return as strong as he had when the horse first saved him . The young man put his plan into motion as soon as his father left . He gathered the small pack he had hidden under his bedroll , the pack that had been hiding there since the first morning he had started the preparations for this very moment . He crept into the woods , quiet as a whisper in the wind , once again praying no one would follow him . As he walked through the woods , he tried to focus on his breathing . He wanted to be sure he would not ruin his plan now , not when it could do so much for his father , for his clan as a whole . With the sun sending shadows through the blossoming trees , he traversed . After what seemed like a far longer time than it truly was , he reached his spot among the pines . He almost seemed to feel their spirits reach out to him , to tell him that his future was bright . He took a deep breath , inhaled the wintery smell of pine trees and the faintest hint of the coming spring and settled in to do what he had come to do . Like many moons ago , he started with a small fire . While the fire gained momentum , he laid out the rest of his tools . His pack contained his knife , freshly cleaned before he left the village , and the small satchel of healing poultice he had snatched from his mother 's bedroll when she was distracted . With the fire blazing brightly , he steeled his nerves . Taking the knife in one shaking hand , he glanced at the pines , almost waiting for them to reassure him that this would work . The wind blew at that moment , the pines shook and whispered to him in their secret way , and he felt calmed . He stuck the knife into the fire , all the while staring at the pines . With every breath of fresh pine into his lungs , he felt steadier . After several moments , he pulled the knife out of the fire and tested it against the barely sprouting blades of grass to ensure it was ready . With the grass sizzling beneath him , he brought the knife to his face . Painstakingly , with great care , he carved the image he had worked on for so long into his cheek . It had to be perfect . His plan had to work . Each time he thought he would pass out from the pain , he looked to the pines and waited for their reassurance . And each time he felt calmed and was able to proceed . Finally , after what could have been minutes but felt like hours , he was done . His mission was complete . Now all he had to do was play the part . He let the knife drop from his fingers , shaking like a leaf in a windstorm now that it was over . He grasped the satchel of healing poultice , dropping it several times in the process from his shaking fingertips . With application came sweet relief from the burning pain in his cheek . He felt around the wound as he applied the poultice , wanting to know if he had done it right . He could not tell from touch alone but he knew he could find a stream of water in which to check his reflection . And he would need the water to wash his face anyway . The poultice would need to be reapplied at least once before he went back to the clan . But first he needed to rest and practice his story . He knew the success of his plot rested on his performance when he arrived back at the clan . He only hoped it would be enough . His walk back to the village was slow , each step sending pain through his face . Even the slightest breeze against it caused his breath to catch in his lungs . As the pain continued , he wondered for the first time if his plan was actually worth it . Would all this pain be worth the end result ? What if his father never returned to the clan , what if this was all for not ? As these thoughts crossed his head , the smell of pine crossed his nose . Looking to his left , he saw a pine tree , like the ones that had comforted him through the whole experience . Letting his hand rest against its bark for just a moment , he felt that familiar calm wash over him . With renewed vigor , he continued his trek , assured of his success . His mother was the first to see him when he entered the village . She was standing near their tent , worry clear in her eyes as she methodically scanned the forest in front of her . When her eyes landed on him , she seemed to stop for a moment , almost shake herself , before reacting . She ran , like a deer who heard a noise , and careened into him . He gasped as the force caused pain to rush through his face but the relief he felt in her embrace far outweighed any pain it caused . She stepped back and finally noticed the imprint on his check . Her hand came to her mouth without her say so and she fought back tears at the sight of her son 's injury . He put a hand on her shoulder , hoping to calm her . " It 's nothing bad , mother . I promise . But I need to talk to father . Is he back yet ? " " It does not bother me too much . And the pain comes from something great , mother . Something I desperately need to tell father about . Is he back yet ? " Shaking herself out of her stupor , with the sound of tears in her voice , " He came back last night . He almost left again when he heard you were gone but the elders would not let him go . He has been in the tent all day , muttering about how he cannot lose you too . " This statement was too much for her , as a few tears escaped from her eyes . " But I 'm back now mother . And I shall not disappear again . But right now I need to talk to father . " With those words he pushed past her , gently but firmly , and made his way to the entrance to his tent . Taking one single , deep breath to steel himself for this moment he pushed the tent flap open . His father 's eyes shook him to his core the instant he opened the tent flap . They were dead . He looked like he had given up , like he had no joy left in his life . His father looked at him like he was a dream . He rose slowly , with shaking steps , and crossed the tent . Hesitantly he reached his hand out , almost afraid to touch the child in front of him . When his fingertips connected with solid flesh , a dam seem to break in the man . He pulled his son into his arms and held him tightly for moments that stretched into eternity . As his father pulled back , he finally noticed the mark on his son 's cheek . With gentle fingers , he touched the wound and , his voice shaking , asked , " What happened to you my son ? " " Father . I went into the woods after you left . I felt this pull . It was like nothing I could explain . It was like a voice in my head telling me I needed to go somewhere but it was not clear . Not like a voice actually speaking to me . It was more of a feeling . " " The pull lead me to a glade in the woods . I can 't clearly remember where it was or what it looked like anymore . Because the moment I stepped into the glade , I felt this sense of rightness . Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be . And then a creature stepped out of the woods in front of me . Father . It was your horse . " " My horse ? My horse met you in the woods ? But he died son . He 's gone . " Sobs rose is his father 's voice as he talked about his horse but he fought valiantly to keep them from escaping . " It was not your horse as a living creature Father . It was his spirit . He came to me and told me he wanted to help me . Wanted to help guide my future . " Before he could even gesture to the mark on his cheek , his father 's fingers were there , reverently touching the mark his horse had left on his son . " He left this mark on you ? A mark to show your bond ? " At these words , his father 's eyes came to life , like the first day he came back on his horse . He jumped up , with the energy of a man far younger than he . " I must tell the elders . I must show them that my horse was not a demon . He is going to guide us to the future . " With these words , and one last reverent touch to the mark on his son 's cheek , the man left the tent , more alive than he had been in many moons . And his son was left alone at last . He let out the breath he had been holding . His plan had worked . His father was saved . | Tagged original , short story | Leave a comment Posted on November 30 , 2015 by shadowonthestars It 's always the simplest things that set it off . Today it was merely scratching my leg . No big deal , just a simple itch . But I wanted so much more . I wanted to run something much sharper than my fingernails down the side of my leg . The pain brought clarity . A moment when the world and your mind stop screaming . For no more than ten seconds all the pain , anger , and sadness is gone . All there is is pain . And you look down and there 's blood everywhere . And then it starts to sting . And you wonder if you did too much this time . You refuse to believe that and just soak up more of the pain . For the next few days the slightest movement causes a beautiful agony . But that to starts to fade . And you need a fresh cut to keep moving . Fresh pain to push you through the day . Posted on March 9 , 2015 by shadowonthestars She never thought she would end up where she was . A mental hospital was not very high on her list of places where she wanted to live in the future . She still craved the one thing she could not have . Although she had been in counseling for a month , she still needed it . She did not want to hurt herself , but her body craved it . The delicious feeling of control mixed with the tinge of freedom was what she needed , yet she would continue to deny herself until the urge went away . All she could do now was look back on the past and try to move on with her future . It was hard for her to believe it had only been a month since she last tried to kill herself . She had been found by her mother in her bedroom with a bloody razor and a note . The day had started out normally enough . She had woken up and felt the need for physical pain to fill the void left by her lack of emotion . She needed the physical pain to feel anything at all . Her day had been long and filled with disappointment . Understandably , she could not wait to get home . When she walked into her room , she saw her mother using her laptop . At this point , her laptop was the only thing that kept her going . Shocked her mother had violated her privacy in such a way , she could not understand what her mother was screaming at her . The few words she made out were , " crazy " and " where did I go wrong . " Her mother took her laptop away and left for work . She immediately went for her razor . Her mind kept going over those words . She was crazy . The world would be better without her craziness . She did not know what else she could do . Her control spiraled away after this . Perhaps it was a miracle her mother forgot something that day because it allowed her mother to find her . If her mother had been five minutes later she would not be alive . This was not the first incident . It was the first her mother had seen what she did to herself , but not the first time she had gone a little too far . It had been at least a year before this incident . ShThe only word that stuck in her mind was useless . Perhaps she was a useless addition to the world . Maybe everyone would be better off without her here , taking up space with her uselessness . Before she knew it , she was sitting in her car with her dear friend , her razor . Her arm was red before she could even think . Silver gleamed as she took out her frustration on her arm . She did not remember passing out nor waking up . When she woke up , she knew she had gone too far . She swore to herself it was the last time she would do this . Those promises never lasted long . All of this stemmed from her first incident . The incident stuck in her mind , never fading or changing . She was only thirteen the first time she cut herself , and it was because of the first boy she had a crush on . It was a one of the guys in her history class . She told her best friend who she had a crush on , and her best friend swore she would never tell anyone . Her friend asked the guy she liked if he thought she was pretty . He said she was ugly because of the color of her hair . She could forgive him for being shallow , yet she could not forgive her best friend for what her best friend did next . Her best friend told the guy she liked that she had a crush on him . She got a text from him asking if she liked him . Immediately , she knew her friend had betrayed her . She was beyond destroyed on the inside . It was the first time she let herself trust a person , and the person betrayed her . All she wanted was to escape her emotional pain . Her emotions spiraled out of control . Pain became her life . She focused on the word ugly . No one would ever like her because she was ugly . She never let go of her emotional pain . She merely masked it with her physical pain . She never talked to anyone . Refusing to make new friends , she lost herself in pain . Looking back , she can not help but feel stupid . It was just a stupid boy , she tried to tell herself although it was so much more than a simple boy . It was the feeling of not belonging anywhere or being in control of any aspect of her life . Betrayal was something she could not get over . It destroyed her trust in the world . She longed for some form of control , and she received it . She never imagined her control would take control of her . | Tagged betrayal , broken , cutting , original , sad , self harm , short story , suicidal , suicide | Leave a comment

Devonne opened his door and stepped out into the afternoon sun , bouncing a little on the soft soles of his Nikes . A few blocks down the street , he could see Bettie working on a bicycle in front of her house . Devonne saw Bettie every Friday , because on Friday he walked across St . Claude Avenue to get a sno - ball from the stand at the end of Spain Street where it met the river , on the side of St . Claude where all the white people lived . He liked it when Bettie was already outside working and he didn 't have to knock on her door . He thought it was nicer to sit on her porch with his sno - ball and watch her build bicycles . Bettie said he was much better than the radio at keeping her company , and she liked to tell Devonne stories about her crazy artist friends and about growing up on a ranch in Arizona . Devonne always ate his sno - ball very slowly . Bettie looked up from her work and spotted Devonne as she wiped the back of her greasy hand across her forehead . " Hey ! " she greeted him , pointing to the bicycle . " Check it out ! " Devonne looked . The bike rested upside - down with its handlebars on the sidewalk and its wheels in the air . The wheels were higher than they should have been , though . The bike was nearly as tall as Bettie , and the whole thing was spray painted a shiny gold color . Bettie reached over and gave the front wheel a spin . " What do you think ? " " Why 'd you make it so tall ? " Devonne asked . Immediately , he wished he would have said something nicer first , something like " the wheel works good " or " I like the color you painted it . " He always liked it when Mr . Calvin told him he had done a good job washing dishes at the end of the night , and he wanted to make Bettie feel like that about her bike . Bettie smiled . " Don 't worry , " she said , " that 's how it 's supposed to look . It 's two bicycle frames joined together . " She pointed to a rough place on the frame where two metal rods met . " See ? I did the welding myself out in the backyard . Pretty sweet , huh ? " Bettie nodded like she was agreeing with herself , and her big glass earrings sparkled a little , like shiny quarters . When she bent down to scrape a bit of rust off of the handlebars , Devonne could see rings of dirt around the back of her neck , underneath her blue bandana . " Heading down to the sno - ball stand ? " she asked . " Yeah , " Devonne answered . He pulled his money out of his pocket and re - counted it - $ 1 . 30 for a large . A dollar , a quarter , and a nickel . Last week , Devonne dropped the quarter on the way to the stand without realizing it , and Mr . Ron had already given him his large spearmint sno - ball when he put the money on the counter and realized his mistake . Mr . Ron told him not to worry about it because he was such a faithful customer , but it had made Devonne feel bad and so now he had a new habit of counting his sno - ball money twice . Habits like checking the front door lock seven times each morning and always tying his shoes right lace over left were what allowed Devonne to have a job and live by himself . They made him feel calm and safe . As long as he kept doing his habits and earning money from his job and not bothering Aunt Rita , she had promised not to send him to the hospital in Baton Rouge . Devonne watched as Bettie moved her toolbox out of the way and turned the bicycle right side up . She dropped the wrench she was holding into the big front pocket on her overalls . That was one of the reasons Devonne liked Bettie so much . She had habits just like him . Devonne couldn 't remember the last time he saw her wearing something other than brown overalls , a gray or white tank top , and her blue bandana . Bettie liked to be barefoot whenever she could , so that was a habit too . Once , when she visited Café Thai with some of her friends , he even saw her kick off her flip - flops as soon as her legs were under the table . Bettie was always barefoot when he saw her at her house on Fridays , and Devonne was a little worried when she walked into the middle of the street with the bike . When he was little , his mother had told him never to walk into the street barefoot because there were all sorts of nails and sharp things that could cut him . He didn 't like to see Bettie do it , but he also couldn 't imagine anything ever really hurting her . " It 's easy , " she said . " Watch me . " She held onto the handlebars of the bike and jogged next to it for a few steps before jumping up and swinging her leg over the seat like it was a horse . She rode halfway down the street and then turned around , jumping back off when she reached the porch . Devonne liked how she looked up on the bike , like she was sailing safely over all the rusty nails of Spain Street . " Want to try it ? " He shook his head . Devonne knew he wasn 't brave enough to do the things Bettie did . Then he remembered that he did have something nice he could tell Bettie , something that would make her happy . " I had a dream last night , " he said . Bettie had trouble sleeping a lot because she dreams of dead children . In her dreams , she told Devonne , she wakes up in the morning to find little bodies scattered all over her house . Babies in the flower boxes . Toddlers on the coffee table . Their bellies were always bloated and the shape of their bones showed through their skin . They died because she forgot to feed them , she said . So she didn 't trust herself to own anything that would depend on her , not even a pet dog or a house plant . " Yeah , " Devonne said , " a real good one . " He tried to keep still . It made him uncomfortable when people sat that close to him . He didn 't like being touched . Bettie smelled like sweat and something else , something like warm metal , or like the air right before it rains . " I was at the café and Mr . Calvin said I was doing such a good job washing dishes that he was going to let me wait tables . So I started waiting tables , and I was real good at it . Didn 't drop no plates or glasses or nothing . And the new dishwashers weren 't good - they didn 't stack the dishes in rows like you 're supposed to - but I was so happy getting to wait tables that I didn 't even mind . I wasn 't even bothered . " " Uh - huh , " he said . And he was okay , he thought . " You know , I was thinking . I was thinking maybe if I keep telling you all my good dreams , and maybe if you think about them right before you go to sleep , it 'll make the children go away . Then maybe you could get some plants for your flower box , or maybe even a dog . " They sat on the porch and talked about their favorite kinds of desserts and what Bettie should name the new bike until two men walked up to them with instrument cases on their backs . One had his head shaved with a bunch of tattoos on it , and the other wore a pair of shiny silver pants that looked to Devonne like ladies ' pantyhose . " Heading to the river , " the one with the shaved head said . " You coming ? " The one with the pantyhose lit a cigarette . The men nodded and rode off . Bettie took a set of keys out of her pocket and locked her front door . She walked the tall bike out into the street again . " Thanks for the dream , Dev , " she said . " See you next Friday ? " On his walk down Spain Street next week , Devonne wanted to see Bettie even more than usual . The night before , Aunt Rita had come over to bring him his prescription refills and to take his paychecks for that month . Devonne wasn 't very good at math , so Aunt Rita had to keep his bank account for him and pay his bills . Aunt Rita acted like it was a whole lot of trouble and she hated doing it , but Devonne didn 't like it any more than she did . Seeing Aunt Rita always made him miss his mama because she never made him feel bad for the way he was . As he crossed St . Claude , he started thinking that he might tell Bettie about Aunt Rita . Maybe if he could help her feel better about her bad dreams , she could help him feel better about being bad at math and needing Aunt Rita to help him do things . Maybe Bettie would even offer to help him with his money so he wouldn 't have to see Aunt Rita anymore . Devonne thought he would like that best of all . Bettie wasn 't outside when he passed her house , so he went and got his spearmint sno - ball from Mr . Ron first . When she still wasn 't outside on his way back , he stepped onto the porch and knocked on the wood frame of her screen door . The real door behind it was open , and Devonne could see Bettie laying on the sofa through a big rip in the screen . Her head turned around sharply when she heard the knock . " Oh , hey , Dev , " she said , but she sounded confused . " It 's okay , you can come in . " He could barely see once he stepped into the room out of the bright daylight . There were sheets hung over both of the side windows , and the room smelled like weed cigarettes , the kind that his mama and her boyfriend used to smoke out in the backyard sometimes . Bettie sat up on the sofa and turned on a small lamp that sat on the floor by her feet . Devonne sat on one of the striped lawn chairs across from her . He knew that this was strange , that sleeping in a dark room in the middle of the day was not one of Bettie 's habits , but he didn 't know what was wrong . Her hair looked even dirtier than usual and was all stuck to one side of her head , and she wasn 't wearing her overalls . In fact , Devonne wasn 't sure she was wearing anything underneath the big red blanket that she had wrapped around her . She looked cold . Bettie flopped back down onto the sofa , dangling one leg off the side and looking up at the ceiling . " It got stolen last night , " she said . " Outside of Dragon 's Den , while I was at a show . Some asshole cut the lock off . " Devonne didn 't know what to say . He thought about when he lost his Superman action figure at the park when he was little , and about when the other dishwashers at the café make him go wrap silverware during a rush because he works too slow . " I 'm sorry , Bettie . " She kept her eyes on the ceiling . " I can 't hold on to anything , you know ? Everything just keeps slipping right through my fingers . " She stretched her arm up toward the ceiling and turned her hand over , like she was looking for something on it . Suddenly she turned back towards Devonne . " I did have a nice dream last night , though . I think your idea is working . " Devonne smiled at that . He was about to ask Bettie to tell another story about the ranch in Arizona when he heard footsteps on the porch and saw the screen door swing open . The shaved head man from last week stepped inside . He looked first at Devonne and then at Bettie , or maybe it was just at Bettie 's leg sticking out from under the blanket . " What 's he doing here ? " the man asked . The shaved head man flung his hand in Devonne 's direction . " How do you know Rainman here didn 't steal it ? I hear retards like shiny objects . " Bettie jumped off the couch so quickly that Devonne flinched . She walked over to the shaved head man and shoved him hard in the chest with one hand , trying to keep the blanket around her with the other . " That 's it , " she said . " Get the fuck out of my house , Z . I 'm serious . " The man grabbed Bettie 's wrist and yanked the blanket out of her hands , and suddenly she was naked in front of both of them in the middle of the room . Devonne wanted to scream , but his throat was closed off . He wanted to jump up and hit the man , hit him hard enough to make him go away forever , but his feet wouldn 't move . He had no habits to help him in this situation . All he could do was close his eyes to avoid seeing the parts of Bettie that he knew he shouldn 't and rock himself back and forth in the chair to keep from crying . " There 's something wrong with you , " he heard the man say . After that , the screen door slammed shut . Devonne opened his eyes as Bettie bent down to pick the blanket off the floor . Her back was to him , and he noticed the lines by her shoulders where her arms were darker from always wearing tank tops . She turned and looked at Devonne for a second - her eyes were red - and then she laid back down on the sofa , facing the wall . " I 'm kind of tired , Dev , " she said . Devonne could barely hear her from where he sat . " See you next Friday , okay ? " Devonne stood up and began to walk to the door . Then he thought of something and turned around . He looked over at the shape of Bettie 's shoulder underneath the red blanket and before he knew exactly what he was doing , reached over and patted her on it - one , two times . Then he left . The next night at the café , Devonne asked Anthony , one of the other dishwashers , who The Rain Man was . He already knew what a retard was , that it was a mean name for people like Devonne who had special needs . The kids at school called him that sometimes when he was little , and once a server in the café yelled it at him after he dropped a tray of dishes on accident , and Mr . Calvin cut the server 's shift and sent him home early . Anthony slammed the big metal flap of the Auto - Chlor machine down into its slot to start the wash cycle . He looked at Devonne like he was trying to decide something . " It 's just some dude from a movie , man , " he said . " Just keep your mind on those dishes , y ' heard ? Rush about to start . " Devonne tried to concentrate , but he couldn 't stop thinking about Bettie . It was like when something forced him to break a habit , and all he can think about for the rest of the day is putting all the coffee mugs in a straight row or tying his shoes left over right instead of right over left . In his mind , he saw the shaved head man grabbing Bettie 's wrist over and over , until it didn 't even feel real anymore . Devonne must have been working slower than usual , because Mr . Calvin told him to wrap silverware before it even got busy . At the end of the night , Anthony surprised him by slapping him on the back as he was hanging up his apron . Devonne jumped back . " Hey ! " he heard himself say . " Oh sorry , man . I forgot you ain 't cool with all that . I just wanted to see if you was alright . Nobody been messing with you or anything , right ? " Devonne smiled and nodded his head . He knew Anthony was trying to be nice to him , that in some ways he cared about Devonne like Bettie did , or like his mama did when she was alive . " Right . " Outside , the air felt sticky as Devonne started his walk down Frenchmen Street . He made sure to touch each light post that he passed , a habit that helped him feel safe while walking home in the dark . He liked how it felt to walk from the glow of one light to the next , like you were playing leapfrog almost . He was so busy thinking that he almost didn 't notice that the next light post he touched had a huge bicycle chained to it . It was the shiny gold paint reflecting under the lamp that made him turn his head . Devonne couldn 't believe it . Here was Bettie 's bike , right there in front of him like it was just waiting for him to finish working at the café and walk past . He ran his hand over the rough place on the frame that she said she had welded . Before he could think of what to do next , a short man wearing all black walked out of the bar on the corner and started walking towards him . Devonne recognized him from around Bettie 's neighborhood , but he wasn 't one of her artist friends that came and visited on her porch . " Got a problem , brother ? " he asked . The man took a step closer . " And I think you better mind your own goddamn business . " He reached out and yanked Devonne 's hand off the bike , but instead of flinching , Devonne lunged . He closed his eyes and swung both his fists at the man , and although he wasn 't trying to , all of a sudden he was screaming . He felt bad pain in his stomach , and he punched harder , screamed louder . His fist hit something sharp and wet , and still he kept swinging his arms . He didn 't stop until he felt himself being lifted up and then dragged into the street . Devonne finally opened his eyes to see the man bent over a few feet away , right under the light post - he made a coughing sound and then spit something bloody onto the sidewalk . Devonne was still screaming . It was very confusing after that . Things got all bright and wavy , like what you see in the darkness when you rub your eyes too hard . Devonne felt someone digging in his pocket for his wallet , but he couldn 't get away . He couldn 't do anything . A little while later he saw Aunt Rita 's face and heard her voice loud and angry , but he didn 't understand the words . He knew he was inside somewhere , not on the street near the cafe anymore , and that made him feel a hundred ways at once . He was glad to be away from the man , but even more than that he was angry that someone had dragged him away from Bettie 's bike . No one but him knew that it belonged to her . Did the bicycle thief still have it ? How could Devonne ever find it again if he did ? A feeling worse than every test he ever failed in school sat in the bottom of his stomach . He should have saved Bettie 's bike . He should have saved her from the bald man . But he just messed everything up like a retard and now he would never be able to fix it . Devonne felt his body start rocking back and forth , back and forth , but this time it couldn 't keep him from crying . Aunt Rita told Devonne that he could cut his hospital bracelet off when she dropped him off the next day , but now it was a week later and it was still on his wrist . Devonne found himself bending the little plastic tab back and forth whenever he was nervous , and every time he tried to pick up the scissors out of the kitchen drawer to get rid of it , his heart started beating super fast like it did with the bike thief and he had to put the scissors away and go check the locks on the door again . The bracelet made him think of Bettie , which was happy and sad at the same time and sometimes made Devonne cry , although he never let Anthony or anyone at work see . That morning , Devonne slept through the night for the first time since the hospital , but he had a very bad dream . In it , he found Bettie 's bicycle stuck high up in the branches of a tree . Bettie was under the tree , and her arms were all scraped up and bleeding from trying to climb and sliding down the bark . Devonne started to climb the tree , and to his surprise , it was easy . He was so strong . But when he got a few branches away from the bike , the tree grew ten more feet and the bike was even higher . Devonne kept climbing , but when he got close it happened again . Pretty soon Devonne was so high in the tree that it made him dizzy and scared to look down , and he didn 't know what to do . Then he saw Bettie 's friends , the bald man and the one with the silver pants , at the bottom of the tree . They were smoking cigarettes , and after they lit them they set the tree on fire . Devonne could hear them laughing as the flames climbed up after him and the smoke stung his eyes . Soon he would have to decide whether to keep climbing or jump . But no matter what he did the bicycle would be destroyed . That night at work , Anthony pulled Devonne to the side of the Auto - Chlor machine as he was about to start washing dishes . " Hey man , don 't you think it 's time you cut that thing off ? " He pointed to Devonne 's wrist . " Or are you planning on starting some bar fights and thinking you might need it again ? " Devonne knew Anthony was trying to joke about the bracelet , but Devonne couldn 't make himself laugh . " It 's fine , " he said , and started to turn around . Before he could take a step , though , he felt Anthony 's hand on his shoulder . When he spoke again , his voice was much softer : " Look , man . Mr . Calvin said that thing 's gotta go . It 's all dirty and stained - looking and shit … it 's a health code thing , man . We can 't be having the customers see that . " Devonne 's heart was beating , beating . He twisted the tab of the bracelet and tried to look Anthony in the eye even though that was very hard for him to do . He didn 't know what to say . " … I know it 's stupid , D , " Anthony continued , " but you see they got me wearing this stupid hairnet , so you know it ain 't just you . They just like that about stuff . But you gotta pull it together if you wanna keep your job , man … " Devonne knew someone was knocking at the door , and that he should get up and answer it , but his legs didn 't move . After a few minutes , the door opened and Bettie stepped inside . She was wearing her overalls and bandana . Bettie came over and sat on the floor in front of him with her legs crossed under . " Mr . Calvin says you haven 't shown up for work the past two days . He 's worried about you . " She stopped . Then , " I heard it was you that found my bike . I know you tried to get it back for me . I wanted to thank you . " He hadn 't seen her for a long time , although it might not have been that long because he didn 't do much besides sit in his apartment now . Devonne watched as Bettie picked at a splinter in the floor boards . Her hands were greasy again . " You know , " she continued . " I 'm really not good at this , Dev , but you really need to go to work , okay ? Mr . Calvin told me about your Aunt Rita , about how she wants to ship you off to some psych ward in Baton Rouge . You … you can 't let her do that , okay ? " She looked up into Devonne 's eyes , just for a second , and then looked back down at the floor . " You 've got to just … stick it out , you know ? Keep trying . " " I 'm glad you 're here , Bettie , " Devonne heard himself say . And he was glad . He wanted to ask Bettie all sorts of things - how her garden was , if she was still having bad dreams . If the bald man was still her friend . He noticed that her eyes were red like they were the day she was wrapped in the blanket , and there was a bruise on the inside of her arm . Instead he asked , " What were you going to name the bike ? " " Because it 's gold , " Devonne said . " I like that . " Outside , he heard the crickets getting loud , so he knew it must be getting dark . Something had happened to him , Devonne knew that much . He wasn 't sure if it was good or bad . It felt like both . It felt like falling off a bike - painful and hard but also kind of happy because you had been scared of it for so long , and here it was out of the way at least . He thought Bettie would get up and leave then , but to Devonne 's surprise she uncrossed her legs and scooted over next to him , looking where he looked at the pattern on the wall from the window blinds . Nikki Mayeux teaches creative writing to children and teens at Centre for the Arts in New Roads , Louisiana and is currently pursuing her M . F . A . in Fiction Writing at the University of New Orleans . Her work has been featured in Relief : A Quarterly Christian Expression and an upcoming anthology from Main Street Rag Press . When she isn 't obnoxiously taking up tables at local coffee shops to write , Nikki enjoys doing old - lady crafts , taking photographs , and biking around the French Quarter . Chris ' dream was to feature and support artists all over the world . So in place of donations , please visit the EIL Art Store and shop items by our featured artists . Your support is extremely appreciated . Support EIL Artists ←

The hospital room was quiet , except for the respirator . It hissed on and off at slow , steady intervals , a regular rhythm that ran all day and all night . Every now and then another machine would beep or ping , but not too often . The peace of the room was absolute , disturbed only by the regular duty nurse who came in to change the sheets or attend to the bedpan . Time had lost all meaning in here . Every day was the same . Every night was the same . Regular breaths , a white ceiling , an impassive nurse and doctors who pretended they were the only thinking beings in the room . Today , however , the silence and the regularity of the days and the nights was broken by the sounds of shouting from outside the room . Shapes could be seen on the other side of the glass window . A man - a doctor , perhaps , or one of the bodyguards - was telling a woman that she couldn 't go in , that she wasn 't authorized . " Not authorized ? " she yelled . " I 'm here on the highest authorization , you ape . And when I 'm done in there , I 'll have you mucking out the test chambers with nothing but a bottle of bleach and some paper towels ! ' " Don 't ' But miss ' me ! Let ! Me ! In ! " There was a pause , a dangerous silence , and then the shadows on the other side of the frosted glass moved . The door opened and a lovely young woman stormed into the room . " I 'm remembering your name , buddy ! " she yelled as the door swung closed . When she turned around , her entire demeanor changed . The hardness was gone from her voice as she put her hand to her mouth . " Oh , sir ! " Caroline said . " Oh , Mister Johnson . What have they done to you ? " She took a tentative step towards the bed and the thin , dessicated man who lay there . When he was healthy , not so long ago , he 'd been a man of boundless energy and enthusiasm . He seemed like the rock of the company , standing against the waves and never letting them knock him down . He had long been the driving force behind Aperture , the singular ambition that took it from its humble beginnings selling shower curtains to the scientific powerhouse that it was today . And nothing - not the Navy , not those double - dealing , backstabbing ghouls over at Black Mesa - had ever been able to take that away . But now he lay in that bed , wasting away with every pump of the respirator . His skin was pale and brittle , his eyes dull and staring at the ceiling , barely open . A tight web of wires wrapped around his head , their ends buried in his scalp , and leading to what looked like an old Smith - Corona typewriter on the bedstand . Caroline laid her hand on his and tears slipped from her eyes as she felt how cold he was . " Oh , sir , " she said in a shaky voice . " I 'm so sorry . I should have been here sooner . " She took a handkerchief from her handbag and buried her face in it . Caroline stood up sharply and her eyes overflowed again . " Sir ! " she said . She looked again at the apparatus that connected his head to the typewriter and smiled . " Did you have the lab boys make that for you , sir ? " Caroline shook her head , " I told you , sir , no ! I don 't know what I need to know to run Aperture ! I mean , there are so many projects going on that no one will let me see , engineers asking questions that I can 't answer , and the lawyers are just driving me crazy ! They keep asking me for the testing records from the mid - seventies and I keep telling them that we don 't have them ! " She nodded , glad to be on more familiar ground , and took a small notebook out of her handbag . " The counter - maneuver work is still progressing , and we 've had some preliminary inquiries from the Pentagon about it . They want to include it in special forces training - Delta Force , SEALs … " Caroline smiled and held his hand . " I told them , sir . They said we couldn 't exclude the Navy from any government contracts . " The typewriter started banging out meaningless characters - pound signs and ampersands and exclamation marks . " But , " Caroline continued , " there 's nothing preventing us from charging them triple what the other branches get . " She smiled and patted his hand . " And I 'm making sure that they 'll be the last to get anything . " " Thank you , sir . " She held his hand for a little while longer , just looking at him . As she stared at his face , she thought she could see it move . Maybe his eyes struggling to look at her , or his mouth straining to make the smallest of smiles . But when she blinked , when she cleared her vision , nothing had changed . Caroline came back to attention and looked through the notebook . She pulled out one piece of paper that had been folded and put in the back . " Your failsafe , sir . The boys in engineering say that it 's not going to be ready for a long time yet . Years , maybe . " She looked around the hospital room , at the battery of machines that were keeping Cave Johnson alive . " I don 't … " She took a deep breath . " I don 't know if it will be ready in time , " she whispered . Caroline squeezed her eyes shut and rested her hand on his cheek . " Oh , sir , " she said . " I don 't want to do this without you . " One of the machines started beeping . She looked over at it and watched as the jumping green dot on the screen jumped lower and lower . She sat on the edge of the bed and held Cave Johnson 's hand as he went , squeezing it so that he knew she was with him . The dot pulsed a couple more times , and then the line went flat . Caroline had precious few minutes to herself before the nurses stormed into the room , followed by men in suits . One of the nurses took her by the shoulders and gently lifted her to her feet . " You 'll be okay , " she whispered as she moved Caroline out of the way . The nurses and the suits bumped shoulder as each group tried to confirm Cave Johnson 's condition . They started talking about plans and contingencies . A couple of bodyguards stood by the door , looking uncomfortable . " We 're going to have to close the offshores … " They were lawyers , pure and simple . They spoke in hushed tones , but loud enough for her to hear . " Make sure the patents are up to date … " They didn 't look at her . They didn 't look at him . They flipped through appointment calendars and address books , pulling mimeographed pages from their briefcases and comparing them . " Call the board , we 'll need to have a vote on … " A great man lay dead before them , and not one had paid his respects . Not one had said a word about the man who had changed the world , whose vision and dedication were going to change it even further . Caroline felt her sorrow condense into a cold , hard knot in her belly and she stood up . They looked at each other . One of the lawyers , the youngest one , smiled at her like he thought they were in a bar . " Miss , " he said , " I think maybe you should leave all this to us . You 've had a rough day . " He took her by the elbow and started to lead her to the door . " Why don 't you have a little lie - down and - " The smug smile lasted only a moment longer before it slid off his face . " Hannigan , " he stammered . " Mark Hannigan . I 'm with the law offices of - " " You 're a test subject , " she growled , a slow smile spreading across her face . " I hope you like heights . " His face went pale . She looked at the other two lawyers . " We 're going back to the office . Mister Johnson 's personal files are there , and you 'll see what his wishes for the company were . Signed and notarized before he entered the hospital . " She walked around Hannigan to the other lawyers . They were avoiding looking at him . " We 're going to get this little mess cleared up quickly and easily and in the best interests of the company . Unless you want to be bathing in propulsion gel like your boy Hannigan here . " The older of the two lawyers swallowed and started to speak , but she stopped him with a glare . " The man in that bed had a vision , " she said . " And it 's my honor to make sure that vision comes true . Understand ? " They glanced at each other and nodded . Caroline looked at the bed . The nurses had pulled the sheet over Cave Johnson 's face and were busy disconnecting all the machines . She took a deep breath and said a silent prayer for him . He didn 't believe in heaven , she knew that . But she believed that he was already there , and already throwing his weight around . She walked to the door , where the bodyguards parted to let her through . She stopped , though , and looked behind her . The men standing there looked small and nervous . They were off - balance , which suited her fine . Hannigan looked a little sick . " Come on , " she said . " We have science to do . " Anyway , this month I wrote 45 , 115 words , which is an improvement of 6 , 783 words over June , so HUZZAH ! It 's still not the magic 50 , 000 word mark , but it 's getting there . The total number of words written for this project so far clocks in at 94 , 559 words , to which I say … But you know what ? I 'm pretty damned pleased with it . I know that word count is not the end - all be - all of writing - the quality of what you write should trump the quantity of words . But that 's really the only measurable thing I have to work with , so it 's what I use . I think the quality is generally good , perhaps better than I expected , but I am biased . The comments I 'm getting so far are positive , too . Some other things I 've discovered : my writing time is generally after 8 : 00 PM , unless I have nothing else to do . I bring my iPad with me to work , and try to get some writing done then , but it 's very hard to split my attention from all the things I 'm supposed to be doing as a teacher and the things I want to be doing as a writer . So the best I can do is jot down ideas , and by the time I get settled down to write it 's after 8 , and most of the time this is no problem . I do have a very teacherly 11 : 00 bedtime , though , so if I can find a way to give myself more time , I will . This is especially important on Wednesdays , because I record the podcast Wednesday nights , and on days when I actually want to do something in the evening . All in all , things are going well . August should be interesting , as I 'm taking a trip for a couple of weeks , so we 'll see how that goes . I don 't plan on missing any days of writing , though posting might be a bit sproadic . More on that later . On the last day of each month , I 'll take a story from the previous month , clean it up a little , see if I can make it better than the first time it appeared , and post it up . When I first wrote " Genius " ( day sixteen ) , it was an experiment in doing a dialogue - only story . No narration , no description , no nothing . Just the words . I think it worked out okay , with some good characters and an interesting premise . For the revisitation , I thought I 'd put in a more conventional third - person narrative and see what I could make of it . Let me know what you think ! Kevin took deep , slow breaths to try and keep his heartbeat under control . The tip of the soldering iron trembled ever so slightly , and that wasn 't good enough . This part of the apparatus was vital to the success of the project . He blinked away the sweat that dripped into his eyes . He took one more deep breath , held it , and let it out as he lowered the iron to the circuit board . " Kevin ? Time for dinner , sweetheart ! " He jerked the iron up and away from the board and cursed . He swung the magnifier back , dropped the coil of solder on the tabletop and growled under his breath at his mother . " Don 't make me call you again ! " she called . He wiped his forehead , set the iron back in its holder and counted to ten . " I 'll be up in a minute , mom ! " he yelled . He stood up and turned on the light , blinking against the sudden illumination . The basement was cluttered and chaotic , with benches and boxes full of parts and various electronic components , cast - offs from neighbors ' trash and whatever he could scrape together from eBay . He took a battered notebook from one of them and started scribbling on a blank page . " This is the second time , Kevin . It 's getting cold . " His mother 's voice was starting to sound concerned , but that was the default expression for her . For the last few years , she hadn 't know what to do with her son , and that was fine with him . She and his father had tried therapists and talking to his teachers at school , but they didn 't have any help for them . " He 's a great student , " they said . " Top honors , just … He 's in his own world sometimes . " Would that that were true . If he had his own world he 'd be able to get work done , to stay away from such trivialities as whatever it was his mother had cooked for dinner . It was only after many arguments and a little begging and pleading that he convinced his parents to let him use the basement for his own purposes . He promised not to do anything that would burn down the house or get him arrested , and they 'd just have to live with that . In recent weeks , however , he 'd spent more and more time down there . He would come home from school , head straight downstairs and not show his face again until he came up to wolf down his dinner . After that it was straight back to the basement , and he wouldn 't emerge again until morning . They had tried to talk to him about it , as they had tried to talk about so many other things , but whatever he was doing down there was taking up all of his attention . " Kevin , " she called again . " Your father and I … You 've been down there all week , and we 're worried about you . " He didn 't answer , but put some extra notes next to an improved circuit design . He may not have finished this one , but maybe that was a good thing . If he just tweaked the design a little … His head snapped up from his notebook as he head her come down the stairs , in flagrant violation of the agreement they 'd made . " What ? Mom , no , you can 't - No ! " He ran to the foot of the stairs to stop her , but it was too late . " No no no no - awwww , mom ! " His mother looked completely out of place in his basement junkyard . Her pale blue suit was clean and uncluttered , and the only jewelry she wore was a tastefully small cross on a thin gold chain . She looked every bit the professional working mother , but she 'd somehow managed to make it look easy . She looked around the basement with an expression of horror and confusion , not only at the chaotic mess of things that was down there , but simply the chaos itself . Up above , in the house that she ruled , such a thing as this would never be tolerated . " What on earth have you been doing down here ? " she asked . She reached out to open one of the battered cardboard boxes and recoiled as dusty cables and connectors spilled out . " My God ! " " I mean , just look at this mess . " She walked around him and started peering into everything with the horrified curiosity of a driver passing a fatal accident . " Why do you have a shopping basket full of batteries ? And broken remote controls ? And is this - " She picked up a metal basket with a leather chinstrap . The helmet had been festooned with wires , all leading to a thick , canvas - wrapped cable that was coiled in another box . " It looks like my old colander , " she said . " What are you doing with this ? " " Mom , could you put that down please ? It 's delicate . " Kevin was acutely aware of the whining tone that was entering his voice and he squared his shoulders . " Mom , look , just put it down and go back upstairs . I 'll be up in a minute . " She put down the helmet and sniffed . " And what 's - what 's that smell ? It smells like … Like … " Kevin knew what it smelled like , but he was used to it by now . The smell of burned - out electronics was part of the background atmosphere of the basement at this point . She spun around to face him again . " Kevin , have you been smoking down here ? " He wanted to deny it , but stopped himself . " Yes ! " His eyes lit up . " Yes , mom , that 's exactly it . " He weaved through the junkpiles and gently took her arm , trying to guide her out . " I 've been smoking and I feel terrible about it and I promise that I 'll stop , so just go back upstairs and - " " Mom , no ! ! " It was too late . The room beyond that door was better than the rest of the basement , at least in terms of neatness . There were small lights in the darkness , a well - organized bench , and shelves of tagged and labeled devices , the successes that had been culled from all his failures . His mother looked around , and stopped , horrified , when she saw what was on the desk in the middle of the room . " Oh . Oh my God , Kevin , what have you done ? " She approached it , gingerly . There was a great glass jar , its thick walls distorting the dim light that shined upwards from the base . Inside , its neck wired to a shining steel base that was covered in little lights , was the head of their family dog , Racer . She leaned towards it , her hand to her mouth . " Don 't touch me ! " she screamed , stumbling backwards from the dog 's head . She backed up against the door , her face twisting between anger and disgust . " Oh God , " she whispered . " Is that Racer ? You - you said he ran away and - " " Mom , I - " The dog barked again and she whimpered . " Yeah , " he said . " That 's Racer . He - quiet , boy ! Quiet ! " The dog stopped barking but started licking the inside of its container . " Buried out back , mom . I … " She bent over and threw up on the floor . " Oh . Okay . You , um … . I 'll just … " He grabbed a small towel off a rack and twisted it in his hands . " I 'll clean that up after . Don 't worry about it . " " Sweet Jesus , Kevin , sweet baby Jesus … " She wiped her mouth and took a step closer to the thing in the jar . Racer barked again and started panting happily as she approached . " Mom , I know how this looks , " Kevin said . " Look at me , Mom . " He reached out to touch her and she flinched away , but she looked at him . " I know how this - shut up , Racer ! - I know how this looks . And I know it looks pretty bad . " He tried to smile . " But if you look at the bright side - " " Bright side ? Bright side ? " She rounded on him , and her usual expression of careful pleasantness was gone . Now his mother 's wide , tear - filled eyes were full of anger , fear , more real emotion than he could remember seeing from her in a long time . " You have your beagle 's head in a jar , Kevin ! And it 's still alive ! How - " She gestured around to the bizarre - looking contraptions that were on all the shelves . Some of them looked vaguely identifiable , but there were far more whose purpose she could not begin to understand . " And these machines ? Did they do this ? Did you make these ? " " That 's what I 'm talking about , mom ! " Kevin got in front of her and tried to recapture her attention . " I made these ! Out of the crap that people throw away . Out of the things in my head ! Look at Racer , mom ! " He ran over to the desk and wrapped an arm around the glass case . Racer barked again . " He got hit by a car , okay ? And I kept him alive ! No one else could have done that ! " He left Racer , who whined quietly , and picked up a thing that looked like two old TV antennas stuck together with a copper coil between them . " Do you see this machine , mom ? Hold on , let me find … " He put it down and started digging through a box under the desk . " Hold on , mom , " he said . He stood up again with a metronome in his hand , the one they bought for him when he 'd expressed an interest in playing the piano . That had lasted for very nearly two weeks . " Okay , Look at this , okay ? " He set it ticking and put it on the desk some distance away from Racer , who was watching it intently . " Nice beat , " he said , " four - four time , keep your eyes on it … . You watching ? " He picked up the machine off the desk and pressed a small button . The coils began to hum quietly and a soft glow filled the space between the spreading antennas . He adjusted a dial , pointed the whole thing at the metronome and pushed the large red button in the base of the device . He touched the pale glow to the metronome , which immediately stopped in mid - swing , the pendulum leaning precariously to the right . The glow stayed around it , faint and iridescent . Kevin turned back to his mother , a huge grin on his face . " Isn 't that cool ? " He held up the device towards her and she took a step backwards . " Localized time distortion ! I can dial that baby down to almost nothing ! " He turned the dial back a bit , just for show . He gestured back to the shelves . " I have an antigrav plate down here somewhere , and a new plastic that can replace human skin cells . If I can find the remote , I 'll show you my army of mind - controlled cockroaches . " That look of disgust passed back over his mother 's face and she looked like she might want to throw up again . " Okay , maybe not them , but didn 't you wonder why your roses grew so big last year ? Why they screamed sometimes ? Or what happened to those kids who egged our house last Halloween ? " He laughed , and it was a dark laugh . " Not a coincidence , mom . I mean just look at all this stuff ! " He turned back to her . " Mom , forget about Racer . Racer was just a stepping - stone , a way up to something better ! " He grabbed her with his free hand and turned her to face him . This time she didn 't flinch . " Mom , listen to me : in a few years , I 'll be able to figure out how to keep people alive indefinitely . And not in a jar , either . I have stuff down here that 'll change the world , mom . " He tried smiling again , letting a note of pleading enter his voice . " Don 't you see ? " His mother took a deep breath and turned to the door . " Kevin . I 'm going to go upstairs now . I 'm going to call a doctor or someone , because this … " She looked back at the room and shuddered . " This isn 't normal . " " No , you can 't . I 'm not ready - the world 's not ready ! You have to just - Mom , wait ! ! " She was already out the door , heading towards the stairs . " I can 't let you do this , Kevin , not under my roof ! " She reached a block in the maze of clutter and turned around to find a clear path , a sense of haste and panic entering her steps . " Mom , no ! Stop ! " He held up the time - stopper as she approached him , and the pale glow lit up more brightly between the antennas . " NO ! ! " She tried to step around him , but there wasn 't enough room . She turned to look as the light embraced her and she slowed down . " Kevvvvv … iii … nnnnnnnnnnn … . " Kevin looked at his mother , who was frozen in mid - step . Strands of hair hung , immobile , and the cross on its chain was dangling off towards the lapel of her suit jacket . " Oh , mom , " he whispered . " You shouldn 't have made me do that . " He reached out to touch her , but drew back his hand . He didn 't know what would happen if he touched her . He made a mental note to test that out later . He sat down on one of the boxes and rested the device on his lap . " You 'll be fine like that . " He tried to make himself sound sure . " You won 't have to worry about getting old , anyway . Not for , let me see … " He checked the settings on the device and then did some quick math in his head . His eyebrows went up . " Huh . Two point three million years . " He smiled and patted the machine . " Damn , " he said . " I am good . " His mother stood there , frozen in time and perfectly beautiful . She didn 't understand , and that was no surprise . He 'd never expected her to , but rather hoped that he 'd be able to show her some of the more amazing things first before letting slip that bit about their dog 's head in a jar . Or the cockroaches . Sooner or later , he figured he 'd be able to bring her around - her and his father . But she 'd pushed the schedule ahead , and letting her go was far too risky . Kevin picked up his gloves from the workbench and put them on . " All right , then , " he said . He took up the time - stopper again and rechecked the settings . A pale glow bloomed between the antennas . " Dad first , " he said , mounting the first step . " Then dinner . " He smiled grimly . " Then the world . " Ensler pushed the door of the glasshouse closed and the sound of howling wind cut off . He brushed water off his rain coat and shifted the bag on his back . " You sure this is a good idea ? " he asked Kent . The plants seemed to tower above them , their purple - black leaves almost invisible in the darkness . Wind and rain pounded against the great glass walls , and the occasional flash of lightning punctuated the darkness . " Absolutely , " Kent said . He reached into his own bag and pulled out a glowstone . The crystal glowed faintly in his hand , a soft yellow light that was just enough to see by , and Kent 's wild grin was nearly as scary as the battle of the elements outside . He pulled off his rain poncho and tucked it under his arm . " The whole academy is shut down for the storm , and only an idiot would come out here in this weather . " " Absolutely . Come on . " Holding up the glowstone , Kent navigated through the paths . Great black leaves brushed against them , soft and leathery . They moved long , weblike vines out of the way and walked through halls filled with sleeping flowers . In the daytime this place would have been beautiful , and full of students learning about the diversity of flora that Barrowmill Academy 's master gardeners were able to make thrive . At night , they provided utter blackness and perfect cover . Kent had stolen a key from the biology office , just as Ensler had borrowed the other equipment they would need from the applied theology labs . As always , they were in it together . Hopefully this time their experiment would result in more than a near expulsion and some time in the local jail . Kent stopped in the desert garden . It was a spacious room , full of compact , water - preserving plants , and it was - of course - hot and dry . He put his bag on the ground and set the glowstone on a rock . " Here , " he said . " We 'll do it here . " " Oh will you quit with what you 're not sure about ? " Kent said in a half - laugh . " I have the books , you have the stone , we both know what we 're doing , and by the time this storm blows over we 'll have made history ! " Even in the dim light , Ensler could see his eyes glittering with ambition . " They 'll build us our own labs . Maybe a statue . " " Yes , of course , a statue . " Ensler opened his own bag . " Let 's get it done then , so that the sculptors can get to work . You know they like to get a head start . " " Ha . Ha . " Kent pulled out a large book and another glowstone . From his own bag , Ensler took out a large , heavy object wrapped in a pale blue cloth . When he unwrapped it , he held a great crystal the size of his head . It was perfectly clear and colorless , almost perfectly symmetrical . When the lightning flashed through the windows , the stone held on to it just a fraction of a moment too long . Ensler put it down , very carefully . " Kent , " he said . " If anything happens to this thing , they are going to use our skins to bind the booklets they hand out to new students to explain why they should never do what we did . " " Bah , " Kent said . " By the time we 're done they 'll be too busy offering us professorships . " He sat cross - legged on the dirt and started flipping through the book . " Bring it over here and make yourself comfortable , " he said . Grumbling , Ensler brought the stone over and set it down in front of Kent . They had flipped a coin to see who was going to go through the process , even though they both knew who it would be . Kent was the one who had the most facility with this kind of thing , the most willpower to see it through , and if anyone was silver - tongued enough to talk the universe into doing what he wanted , it would be him . While Kent looked through the pages he 'd marked off , Ensler took off his raingear and folded it next to a small grouping of cactus . He removed his shoes and his socks , and then started stripping off the rest of his clothes . " You know , " he said , " if anyone does come in , they 're definitely going to get the wrong idea . " " Yes , I know , " Ensler sighed , sitting down . " Statues . I just hope that mine is wearing pants . " He lay back on the warm dirt and stretched out with his hands behind his head . He closed his eyes and tried to center his thoughts . Another reason why he was the one to go first was that he was much better at being focused and still , which would end up being a vital part of this procedure . Kent was far too chaotic , had a mind that never stopped spinning and moving and dashing from here to there . Ensler put his arms by his sides and started to count his breaths , imagining energy flowing into and out of his body . He felt thoughts come across his mind and let them flow away . He didn 't consider them , didn 't dwell on them . After some time , he felt a hand on his shoulder . " It 's time , " Kent said quietly . Ensler just nodded and refocused on his breathing , coiling his thinking mind into a quiet and compact shape . Kent set the large crystal in front of him and cracked his knuckles . The books were open to the right pages , he knew the words and the glyphs . Everything should work . He opened a small jar of oil and recoiled at the smell . It was acrid and bitter and green , but it was what the procedure called for . " I 'm putting on the oil , " he said to Ensler , but his friend didn 't answer . By now , he should be at a state of mental calmness that would make this much easier . He dipped his finger in the jar and put a smudge of oil on Ensler 's forehead . Then his throat . Heart , then stomach , then just a few inches below his navel . Kent chuckled at the thought of being discovered at this point . Like he 'd said , it would be the least of their worries . The idea was very simple . The crystal that Ensler had " borrowed " from applied theology was a communicator , an artifact left over from a bygone age that - allegedly - allowed instant communication between two people anywhere in the world . Since no one had ever found another one , they couldn 't really test it out , but their best researchers were pretty sure that was what it did . And so was Kent . His own research over the last four years had led up to this moment , and it was only his unfortunate reputation for abusing academy property that had kept him from being able to experiment properly . That , and those pesky laws against human experimentation . He had convinced Ensler , though . He showed him his notes and his theories and brought his friend around far enough that Ensler would be willing to liberate the crystal from the app - theo offices . Kent wasn 't kidding about what would happen if this worked . With greatness , anything could be forgiven , and the two of them were about to become great . Kent cleared his throat and began to chant . The language was a lost one , an ancient tongue that had died out a thousand years ago , known now only to people like him , who collected trivia like magpies . He knew the forms of the words , and their pronunciation was self - evident , but their meaning was unclear , disconnected from the world that Kent knew , and that was vital to their success . He needed the words to mean what he wanted them to mean , and nothing else . He focused his intent and his will on the words , and poured his desire into them as he held one hand over his friend 's body and the other over the crystal . He chanted with more energy , more force , and felt his throat go raw and his chest hurt . The muscles on his arms were locked and rigid , and he brought them down until they just barely touched their subjects . His breathing was timed with the lightning and the wind outside , and he forced nonsense words out of his mouth like they were bitter and poisonous . He felt sweat run down his face and his cheeks and forehead burn . Then , with a final , gutteral invocation , he dropped his hands and created the link . In his right hand - or what he thought of as his right hand - was a coiled pink light , pulsing and shining . It looked slippery and alive , like a great serpent sleeping . It looked like something gigantic , thousands of miles away , but it sat in his palm like it belonged there . The crystal shone with a soft pink light , and Kent laughed out loud . He got up , ignoring the pins and needles in his legs and danced around , raising his arms to the still - thundering sky . " We did it ! " he yelled over and over again . [ [ Seriously , Kent , you should try this ! It 's … It 's like … I have no idea what it 's like , Kent , but it 's amazing ! ] ] " We 'll see about that , " Kent said , tearing open the envelope and looking at the card inside . Ensler was right . " Okay , number two : I wrote something on a random desk in the fourth form arts class . What does it say ? " They went through the other envelopes , Kent asking Ensler questions that he shouldn 't be able to answer . In his heart , he knew that it wasn 't scientific enough - there were other explanations for how Ensler could answer the questions , but for now it would work . He could refine the procedure later when they demonstrated it to the world . Kent dropped the envelopes back in his bag . " There you go , " he said . " I 'll have to make a few changes when we do it for real , but otherwise I 'd say we have proof of concept . You are officially a disembodied mind , with all the privileges and responsibilities thereof . " He leaned back and nudged Ensler 's body with his foot . " What do you want me to do with this thing ? " " Fine , " Kent said . " You should be able to pop right back in . It 's where you really belong , so once you get close enough to it , you should just … " He made a sweeping gesture . Kent lay back on his arms and thought about what they had just done . They had separated the mind from the body , the thinking being from the animal self . They had opened up new vistas of experience and exploration to humanity and , on top of all that , had proved the dual nature of intelligent beings , something that philosophers had argued over for centuries . Statues ? Hell , they probably wouldn 't stop at anything short of naming a city after them . Kent sat up . " What do you mean you can 't find it ? " He looked at where Ensler 's body lay . " It 's right there . " Kent stood up and then knelt by Ensler 's body . He patted it on the cheek , then pinched the arm and then slapped it . " You in there yet ? " he yelled into its ear . [ [ Dammit , no ! I 'm not in there , Kent ! ] ] Waves of low - grade panic filled the air , and Kent had to tell himself that the panic wasn 't his . Most of it , anyway . [ [ Kent , what do we do ? ] ] The rain was quieting down , but there was still the occasional flash of lightning . [ [ Break the crystal ! ] ] Ensler said after a while . [ [ Maybe if you break it … ] ] " No , " Kent said , turning pages in one of the books . " It might work , or it might untether you from this world completely , leaving you a disembodied mind with no way of communicating with the rest of us and wandering through the universe for the rest of eternity . " He turned a page . " That 's not what we want . " There was nothing in the book that would help him , but he had to do something . This whole thing had come from his theories , his ideas . By all rights , Ensler should be sitting up and having a good laugh right now . He had planned for things to go wrong , just not quite this way . He started at the glowing crystal , trying and discarding ideas . Maybe if he did the rite again , only backwards . . ? " I 'm working on it , " Kent said again . He looked at his friend 's body , breathing steadily on its own . " I 'm working on it . " The first thing I do is wait for the sun to set . It takes a long time , if you wait for the whole thing . I mean , just seeing the disc of the sun finally drop below the horizon is great , but there 's still so much light out there . Red and purple and orange , bouncing off clouds and refracting through the air . You usually have to wait an hour , maybe more , for the terminator to truly pass you by and for the sunlight to be gone for good . I used to be terrified of this . I can still remember running home before sundown , looking at the beacon of safety that was my house , all brightly lit inside and out . I could feel the darkness nipping at my heels and all the things it contained . All the ghosts and goblins and werewolves and vampires . The night was hungry for the blood of a little kid , and I ran like the wind to deny it a meal . Now I stand on tiptoe , a feeling of tingly excitement growing in my belly . When the sun is finally gone - well and truly gone - there is still light that needs to be taken care of . Unlike the sun , though , I have a little more control over this . If I had my own house , this would be easier , and someday I hope to . But right now I make do with what I have , and what I have is a little apartment with west - facing windows . The living room is no good . I put up blackout curtains , but they still let light in around the edges , tiny trickles of illumination that find their way through the gaps no matter how careful I am with them . There 's also the myriad lights from the TV , the computer , the DVD player , all the electronics that we all use to make our lives better and easier . I tried putting black tape over them , but there was still the tiniest , faintest glow - nearly imperceptible , but not imperceptible enough for me . For some reason , the bathroom was built against an inside wall of the unit . So there 's no window - just a fan to keep air circulating . The fan is no problem . It 's not noise that I 'm trying to get rid of . It 's big enough that I can stretch my arms out and touch nothing , which is what I need , and there 's nothing in there that creates a shadow . I bring a candle with me . Not for any practical reason , really . If I wanted to , I could just flip off the light switch . But this is important . This is a ritual . And rituals need to be important . An old book on photography taught me how to make a light - lock : a two - stage entry into a room that 's designed to minimize the amount of light getting in . The one I made is temporary . Putting it up and taking it down only takes a couple of minutes , and the whole thing just clicks together . When it 's done , a heavy black curtain blocks the door to the bathroom , extending at least another foot in every direction . Candle in hand , I go in and shut the door behind me . There 's a draft - snake that goes at the bottom . I lock the door . Again , ritual . The bathroom lights are bright and fluorescent . They make me look terrible in the morning , but they do that to everyone . I light the candle and turn off the lights , and that feeling in my belly grows . It 's still fear , I know that much . But it 's fear that 's been tamed . It 's been brought to heel like a lion at the circus . The fear is a beast that I broke many years ago . The candle goes on the floor , and I sit in front of it . I close my eyes and try to feel the candle 's light hitting my face , my skin , my hair . It 's sunlight , really . It 's sunlight held captive in the cotton fibers of the wick , in the wax rendered from plants or animals long dead . The little sun shines on me , and it 's the only thing in the world besides myself . The darkness rushes in to take the place of the light , it floods the room now that the pressure of luminescence has been removed . I can feel it , this absence , this great shadow , all around me . I don 't know if my eyes are open or closed , and I don 't care . The darkness holds me , it cradles me , it caresses me and it presses in on me . It clings to me , to every inch , and when I open my mouth , it floods inside . You 're most welcome . Have whatever you like . Patty ? Well that 's just a lovely name . I 'm Drake , Patty . Nice to meet you too . No , I 'm not staying in town long . I 'm on my way to a little thing in Washington D . C . , just some formal thing , you know . Ah , here 's your vodka tonic . Cheers ! Ski instructor ? That 's great - you know , I happen to be quite the skier myself . Yeah , I go every year , as often as I can . Where 's your spot ? Well , that 's okay for the weekend ski crowd , Patti , but I think we both know that 's not where the real action is . I mean , I went down Washington last winter . Twice . Yeah , no kidding ! The first time I didn 't know what I was getting into . The second time was just ' cause the first time was so much fun . You need a refill , Patty ? Okay , you let me know . Anyway , that second time I went down Washington , that kinda has something to do with this trip I 'm taking - the one to D . C . Well , okay , I 'll warn you , you 're probably not going to believe it . Hell , I still don 't believe it and I was there ! Yeah , no kidding . All right , let me see . Me and my buddy Conrad did the first run down Washington on our first day out , We went down Tuckerman , which was one hell of a thrill ride , I 'll tell you , and spent the rest of that day just jazzed up and ready to go again . But a storm blew in that afternoon , right out of nowhere , so there was no way we were going up again that day . But I tell you - there was no way I was leaving without going down the face of that mountain again , so me and Conrad decided to wait it out . Good thing too . More people were arriving for the slopes and bed space was at a premium . The were families , college kids , some businessmen , all looking for a day 's skiing and they weren 't gonna get it . Now I wanted to give up my bed to someone - that 's just the kind of guy I am , you know ? But Conrad wasn 't having any of it , since we paid top dollar and all that , and the last thing I needed was a pissed - off ski partner . It was just then that this convoy of black SUVs rolled in . Must 've been at been five or ten of ' em , and they all parked a ways from the lodge . Well , I didn 't know who it was at the time , no . But let me tell the story . I 'll get to it , don 't worry , Patty . So there we are , all snowed in for the night . A lot of people were real nervous , but me and Conrad - we 've done this kind of thing before , y ' know ? I mean , I can drop off to sleep like nobody 's business , storm or no storm . This one time I was out on a shooting weekend in Nebraska - a tornado blew through , practically picked up the whole house . My buddies were all freaking out , down in the cellar , last prayers and everything . Me ? I woke up bright and early the next day , nice and refreshed - in the middle of a field two miles away . No ! I swear , on my mother 's grave - true story . Anyway , the next day , me and Conrad decide that with all that new snow , the best skiing would be on Huntington . You ever been out to Washington ? No ? Okay , because you need to know this for the story to make sense , right ? Huntington Ravine is the deadliest part of the deadliest mountain in the northeast . Seriously , people die up on that mountain every year from nothing more than just hiking around , right ? They leave the huts , take a left instead of a right and the next day they 're found with their head stuck in a rock . So you go to Washington , you take your life in your hands . In fact … Hold on , I 've got it on my phone right here … You want another drink ? Cool - hey ! Yeah , another vodka tonic ? Cool . That yellow sign ? Yeah , basically it says , " For the love of God , turn around ! If you have anything - " No , seriously ! Okay , yeah , maybe I 'm paraphrasing . " If you have anything left to live for , go back down the mountain and life a full and happy life . " Okay , so this is - no , that 's what the sign says ! - this is a bad - ass mountain . Huntington Ravine is the worst part of it . We 're talking gorges , vertical drops , avalanches , you name it . This place - crazy people go there to ski . So yeah , I guess we were a little crazy . But just wait … . Me and Conrad get up to the top of the ravine and we 're lookin ' down , and man - it 's enough to make a strong man curl up and cry . You see that slope and there 's millions of years of evolution just waving its arms in the air and yelling , " Don 't do it ! Don 't do it ! " But you know , me and Conrad , we went all the way up there , so there was no way we 're turning around , right ? So we look at each other , and man - we don 't say a thing . It 's like there 's this unspoken understanding between us . We gotta do this . Y ' know ? We wouldn 't be able to live with ourselves if we didn 't . And if something should happen … well . You 're a skier , Patti , so you know what it 's like , right ? That rush ? That feeling like you 're just barely in control , just on the edge ? Yeah . I once spent time with these Zen monks in Japan , right ? Yeah , after I got out of college I went over there - you know , to learn more about myself ? So they talk about this thing called " no - mind , " where you - the part of you that is You - just … goes away . You 're not thinking anymore . You 're not worrying about the future or thinking about the past . You 're just here . Now . And that 's it . Anyway , sorry . Hey , thanks , man . Keep the change . Anyway , Me and Conrad stop , and we just start laughing , right ? I mean there 's nothing we can say about what we just did , so we start laughing . But right then I start to hear a noise - and it 's an ugly noise . Kind of a rumbling , creaking noise from far off . Now I know what it is . And Conrad knows what it is . And we just look at each other and think , " Oh shit . " So we head over there and he looks like he 's in pretty bad shape . One leg 's just bent the wrong way and he 's all passed out . But we don 't have time to be nice about it - we can hear that giant wall of snow just crashing towards us . So we pick the guy up , I put him over my shoulders , like this ? Right , and we haul ass out of the ravine . I have no idea how we made it out , especially me with that guy on my back . But we did it . And as soon as we did , there were all these guys in black coats , pointing guns at us and yelling at us to get down ! Get down on the fucking ground ! So I let the guy off my shoulders , and these guys come and pick him up , and me and Conrad get on the ground . And we 're like that for a few minutes until some other guy shows up , some little tweedy guy with glasses and big rubber boots . He comes up and tells us to stand up , that we 're not in any trouble and that we had done a great thing . Yeah ? Yeah , I had no idea what he was talking about either , you know ? The whole thing was just a mess , but this guy comes over and shakes our hands and thanks us again and again , and finally we find out who it was we found on the mountainside there . Turns out he 'd slipped away from his secret service to do some skiing on his own , and took a fall . If we hadn 't found him , then … Well , things 'd be different , that 's for sure . Well of course you didn 't see it in the news . They didn 't want to make a big thing of it , right ? It 's like Carter and the rabbit or Bush and the pretzel - it 's embarrassing ! So they come back to D . C . , give the press a cover story , and make sure he 's off his feet for a while . So anyway , that 's what I 'm going to D . C . for . There 's this dinner at the White House and the President and the First Lady asked me and Conrad to come . I mean , they can 't do a whole big thing - and you know what ? I wouldn 't want a medal or anything like that anyway . I didn 't save the guy because he was the President , you know ? I didn 't even know that ' till later . I did it because … Because it was the right thing to to . No , I 'm sure your life is anything but boring , Patty . You want another one of those ? All right , but only because you asked so nicely . Hey , man ! One more round here ! Thanks , man . So how about this . I got this story about the time I was working in a volunteer fire department back when I was in college . It 's great , but you know , it 's getting a little late . So if you want - no pressure or anything - but if you want , we can finish those drinks - We can finish these drinks , and I have a suite upstairs . ! 604 . It 's nice , got a couch and everything . I can tell you that , or you could tell me about yourself . Sheldon carried his daughter into her bedroom and gently laid her down . It was late , and she had gotten herself excited to the point of exhaustion . Jenise had wanted to stay up and watch the new year come in with the adults . Her aunts and uncles were all gathered under one roof for the celebration , as they were every year , and this year she was finally old enough to understand some of what they were excited about . So she begged and she pleaded and she even cleaned the kitchen - more or less . When bedtime came around , Sheldon and his wife agreed to let Jenise stay up under the condition that she not get in the way of the adults . That was hardly a problem , though . Like relatives everywhere in the universe , hers were thrilled to see a child defying her nighttime rituals for this one special day . Her aunts commented on how pretty she was getting , and her uncles taught her simple magic tricks . Everyone had a wonderful time , and when midnight came around and the sky outside erupted with fireworks in a thousand different colors , it was the perfect end to a wonderful night . He lay Jenise down in her bed and stroked her hair . She looked like her mother in so many ways . He reached over and turned on the ceiling lights and a dim , ever - changing pattern of colors started to play across the ceiling . He positioned her head between the pillow speakers and made sure she was comfortable . New Year 's or not , it was no excuse to miss her lessons . He tapped in his authorization code in the control panel on the wall , and the familiar music of the hypnopaedia hummed out of the speakers . It was soon followed by one of the familiar educational voices that taught children worldwide . Sheldon smiled . They would have something to talk about in the morning , no doubt . Breakfast was always the best time of day , when she came bounding down the stairs just bubbling over with new information , giddy to share what she had learned during the night . One day it would be a long discussion about whales , another would be questions about past wars across the sea . Every morning was something different , and Sheldon thought about having another one installed for him just to keep up . He sat in the reading chair in the corner and listened in . After their breakfast discussion , the day would be free . They would put on their coats and go to the zoo , or perhaps a museum . Sheldon and Tari had bought her a GPS - enabled doll that took her on geocaching hunts around the city . It was education disguised as adventure , and children loved it . He smiled . They would never know the boredom of sitting in a classroom , of having to wake up early , bleary - eyed and with a head stuffed with sleep . Jenise 's nights were shared with the soft , sure voice of the Tutors , and her days were filled with learning and discovery . There was nothing better than that . He gave her a thumbs - up and she ducked out again . In that moment , sitting in the chair in a house full of family and celebration , he felt his heart swell . He was truly a fortunate man . … with weddings and other family oriented rituals . The new year is a wonderful holiday in all power to the workers . Let the ruling plutocrats tremble before our might as we rise and take the means of production and return it to the hands that built it , that truly own it . He tilted his head towards the speakers and listened in again , but the speaker was going on about butterflies , where they lived and how their life cycle worked . Perfectly normal . But hadn 't there been something about - " Honey ! " Tari whispered from the door . He turned around . She looked worried . " I think your brother needs to be put to bed , " she said . " He 's hit his limit . " Sheldon shook his head . His brother was never a good drinker , and every year , without fail , he managed to get drunk enough to need some tender care . He patted Jenise on the shoulder and joined his wife . " I 'll get the guest room ready , " he said . " Try and get the wine away from him . " Before he was in the kitchen , whatever he thought he had heard was gone from his memory .

First of all , I will tell you that Mom is finally feeling better , which means she 's not so grumpy like she was for a while . Her throat doesn 't hurt anymore , but she still coughs and blows her nose and does stuff like that . Also she uses any excuse she can to take a nap . If she were a dog , she wouldn 't need an excuse in order to take a nap . It must be hard being a human ! Anyway , what I wanted to tell you about Mom is that she has a whole bunch of plants that she keeps around sort of like pets , except they aren 't as interesting as dogs or cats are . But the good part is they don 't have to be fed as much as dogs or cats do . I don 't know why she has these plants . They aren 't cuddly and entertaining like dogs are , but she insists on keeping them anyway . Most of Mom 's plants are what are called " succulent " plants . This means they suck up water and they store it someplace inside themselves , sort of like a camel stores water in its hump . At least that 's what I heard about camels , so I guess it 's true . Anyway , a plant can store water in its leaves or in its stem or in its roots , but not in its ears , for example , because plants don 't have ears ! Mom used to have a bunch of cactus plants , but they didn 't grow too well at our house because we have too much shade due to our huge oak tree . Also cactus plants are full of spines and they are generally not very friendly plants . So now Mom has mostly other types of succulent plants because they are not always dying like the cactus plants did . Well , sometimes they die , but when that happens , Mom just gets another different plant and tries to see if she can make it grow instead . So the point of all this is that Mom has all these plants , like over a hundred , and in the summer , they like to sit outside on the patio where the grasshoppers can chew on them , and they can get rained on . But in the winter , they have to come back inside so they won 't freeze to death . Well , now that it 's officially autumn , the weather is getting colder , and it 's time for the plants to come inside the house . Except that Mom has been sick , so she didn 't feel like carrying them all inside , which takes a long time because she has to try to clean them up and get the spiders and acorns and stuff off them . But yesterday she really did feel like doing that , so she brought in maybe half the plants . Today she is going to bring in the rest of them . Or at least that 's what she says . It 's fun for us dogs when Mom is bringing in the plants because she leaves the door open , and we can go out or come in or stay out or whatever we want to do . I even did some sunbathing , which I am not supposed to do because I might get cancer . And we all fence - fought with Henry , and Mom didn 't make us come inside because she was busy bringing plants in . So Henry 's mom had to come out and make him go inside instead . Well , that 's about all I have to say about Mom 's plants . I like it better when the plants are outside because when they are inside , they sort of block our view out the windows . We like to watch the squirrels in the backyard , and it 's hard when there are plants in the way . Mom always leaves a little space for us to sit by the window , though , and it 's right where the heat vent is , so that makes it a good place to sit . Mom is really pretty smart sometimes , I mean when it comes to knowing how to make dogs happy ! Here 's a really old story that you might have heard before , but it 's short , so I will tell it to you again . There was this dog , see , and he went in a barn and got up in the manger , which is what cows and horses eat out of , so it 's sort of like a dog dish for cows . Anyway , the manger was full of hay , which made it an excellent bed for the dog because hay is soft and it smells good , too . So the dog took a nice nap , and while he was sleeping , an ox came along and wanted to eat some hay . ( An ox , in case you don 't know , is a bull who had a certain kind of surgery so he wouldn 't be flirting with all the cows when he was really supposed to be pulling wagons and doing other work like that . ) But the dog , who was rudely awakened from his nice nap , snarked at the ox and wouldn 't let him eat any hay . That 's it . That 's the whole story . Except it 's not really called a " story . " It 's called a " fable , " which means it is supposed to teach you a lesson . And here 's the exact lesson you are supposed to learn from this fable : First of all , the ox was all wrong to wake the dog up like that when he was sleeping . Didn 't this ox ever hear of the Canine Law of " Let sleeping dogs lie " ? Many dogs don 't enjoy being awakened like this , and they snap at whoever woke them up . The ox could have been much nicer and more polite about waking the dog up , and then the dog might have been more willing to get out of the manger . But the main point is that the moral of the story says that the dog was not enjoying the hay in the manger , even though he clearly was . Hay can be a nice bed as well as a nice meal for an ox , and this is a fact that the dog recognized right away . So he found a nice bed for himself and he was willing to defend his bed because he had been enjoying it a whole bunch . He was just doing what dogs do . They defend their territory . They don 't defend stuff that they don 't care about . I am a dog and I know this . So who wrote this goofy fable story in the first place ? We think it was a man named Aesop , who was Greek , and he lived a long , long time ago . Nobody really knows much about him , which is true of a lot of people that lived a long , long time ago . Mr . Aesop might have been a slave . And he might have died by being pushed off a cliff by an angry mob of people . In my opinion , it 's more likely that he was attacked and eaten by dogs since he didn 't write very nice stories about them ! Here 's a picture of Mr . Aesop . As we can see from looking at it , he had a funny red hat . I like red hats , so maybe he wasn 't all bad . I just don 't think he understood dogs very well ! Do you know the story of the Rainbow Bridge ? It 's a place where animals that have been loved a lot go to wait for their people after they die . I 'll put the story below , so you can read it for yourself . The reason I wanted to talk about the Rainbow Bridge today is because we know a dog who died on Friday . His name was Khaki , and he was a Golden Retriever who was 9 years old . His mom was my mom 's friend , Aunt Barbara . We are all very sad about Khaki , but Aunt Barbara is the saddest of all . What happened with Khaki was that he got a rabies shot , and then later he started acting like he didn 't feel good , so Aunt Barbara thought maybe he had a reaction to the rabies shot . She took Khaki to her vet 's office and then to the emergency clinic . At the emergency clinic , they did this thing called a sonogram , and they found out that Khaki had cancer all inside his body . It was extremely sad , and Aunt Barbara didn 't want Khaki to suffer , so she let him be put to sleep . This means that when he wakes up , he will be at the Rainbow Bridge , which would be a lovely place to wake up , I think . Anyway , here is the Rainbow Bridge story . When you read it , you can think about Khaki and all the pets you have lost who are now waiting there for you , and it will make you feel better . I really believe it will . Just this side of heaven is a place called the Rainbow Bridge . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to the Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again , just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by . The animals are happy and content , except for one small thing ; they each miss someone very special to them , who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; His eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling together in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head , and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together . . . . Author unknown . Mom is almost never sick , so when she is , we dogs don 't know what to do about the situation . What 's wrong with Mom now is that she has a Very Bad Nasty Cold and a Horrible Sore Throat . This sickness causes her to make strange noises sometimes , like coughing , gargling , snoring , sneezing , and blowing her nose . We don 't like it when Mom is sick and makes strange noises because we worry about her . We don 't want anything to happen to her because she is the person who feeds us and so she is very important to us ! The good thing about Mom 's being sick is that she stays home with us a lot . Of course , she is not much fun because all she wants to do is sleep and read and watch TV and maybe mess around on the computer . But still , we like having her around instead of being gone all the time . This weekend Mom was supposed to help the poor , homeless doggies at the Humane Society find homes by taking them to the Plaza Art Fair . But Mom didn 't feel like doing that , so some other nice people had to do it instead . Mom is disappointed that she didn 't get to be with the dogs at the Art Fair because she likes to do that . Now she will have to wait until next year to go there . Yesterday morning Mom did not even walk us because she said she didn 't feel like it . Also she wanted to go to a place called Minute Clinic , at the CVS drugstore . Mom had never been there before , but her regular doctor doesn 't work on the weekends , and Mom wanted to find out if she had a stripped throat . Well , I think it is really called " strep " throat , but Mom says it feels like it has been stripped . We don 't know if this clinic place is supposed to be called MINute Clinic , like meaning 60 seconds , or MinUTE Clinic , like " small . " Mom said the place is definitely small , so maybe the second way to pronounce it is correct . She had to wait an hour before she could see the Nurse Practitioner , so she thinks it should be called Hour Clinic instead of Minute Clinic . Anyway , it turns out that Mom probably doesn 't have a stripped throat . Instead she has a sore throat that is caused by a virus . The nice Nurse Practitioner said that Mom would probably feel better starting today because that 's about how long it takes to feel better when you have a virus thing . Also she prescribed some stuff that Mom is supposed to gargle with that makes your mouth and throat all numb and that way it doesn 't hurt so much . She made me go to Dr . Patricia 's office on Wednesday so the nurse could stick something in my butt and get a poop sample . Well , guess what ! The lab said I didn 't have any worms at all that they could see . But Mom said I still had Soft Poop , so what 's up with that ? And Dr . Patricia decided I should get some pills for worms anyway , just in case there really are some and the lab just didn 't see them . So I 'll be taking more pills , but that 's good because Mom gives them to me in a yummy meatball made of dogfood . Mosquitoes are annoying little bug things that fly around and buzz in your ears and bite you ! You can eat a mosquito , but they are so small that you can hardly tell whether you ate it or not . They are certainly not yummy treats like cicadas , and you would have to eat about a million of them to equal the crunchy yumminess of one cicada ! We get mosquitoes in our house a lot because Mom leaves the door open when we dogs are in the back yard , and the mosquitoes fly right in , just like they were invited in , which they weren 't ! Then they buzz around in their irritating way and bite us while we are trying to watch TV or sleep or write a blog . Mom really hates this and I hate it , too ! Mosquitoes are bad for two reasons . The first reason is that they make you itch when they bite you , and the second reason is that they can give you diseases when they bite you . Mosquitoes are good because - - well , I can 't really think of any reasons why mosquitoes are good ! What dogs can mostly get from mosquitoes is HEARTWORMS . Heartworms are very bad to have because they can kill you if you get enough of them . This is why , if you are a dog , you should make sure that your person gives you heartworm preventive every month . We always get our heartworm stuff on the 25th day of the month . I don 't know why Mom gives it to us on that day , but she does . It 's sort of like having Christmas every single month because the heartworm preventive tastes really good . We even get it in the winter because even though it seems like the weather is cold enough to kill off all the mosquitoes , it 's still possible that a mosquito might not freeze to death and might come around and bite you even in the wintertime . Heartworms don 't start out as worms . They start out as little things called larvae . When the mosquito bites you , it puts some of these larvae in your blood . Then after several months , the larvae grow into heartworms . One worm can be as long as 10 inches , which is a very long and icky thing to have inside your heart . A dog might have heartworms and you couldn 't tell it for a few years . Then eventually the dog might have trouble breathing and might cough and might not like to go for long walks . If a vet figures out that a dog has heatworms before there are too many of them , the dog can be cured . This is like what happened to my littermate sister in Houston , who had heartworms but then got treated for them . It costs a bunch of money for the treatment , though , and it 's not much fun for the dog , so it 's better to do the prevention thing . There are probably more , but this just gives you an idea of how many nasty diseases mosquitoes can be involved with ! Some of these diseases are found more in places like Africa and Asia and South America . This is why when people travel there , they sometimes have to get a bunch of shots . West Nile Virus is a disease that you can find in the U . S . , even though the Nile is actually located in Egypt . West Nile Virus makes birds die . When it first got to Kansas City , a crow died in our neighbors ' yard and Mom had to go get it and put it in the trash because the neighbors were old and didn 't want to touch the crow . Now those neighbors are dead and they don 't live there anymore . But they didn 't die of West Nile virus , so don 't worry . It is possible for a dog or cat to get West Nile Virus , but it doesn 't happen very often . And even if it does happen , the dog or cat doesn 't get very sick . So if you 're a dog or cat , and you are bit by a mosquito , you should mostly worry about heartworms and not about any of those other fancy diseases . At least that 's my advice . Yes , that 's right ! It was exactly a month ago that I started blogging ! Can you believe it ? Can you even remember what your life was like before my intriguingly wonderful blog became a part of it ? No , I 'll bet you can 't ! But that 's okay . You don 't have to thank me . Just keep on reading ! Mom says that there may come a time when I will not be able to write every single day due to my busy schedule , which you learned all about in yesterday 's blog . Also she says I might run out of things to talk about . Sheesh ! How can she even think that ? I have an opinion about almost everything , so how could I run out of stuff to blog about ? Anyway , I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens . But getting back to the topic of schedules , now that you have seen how mine should ideally be , I will talk about how Mom manages to screw it all up sometimes . Because the fact is that Mom just does not understand how important it is to a dog to have a regular routine that can be counted on to always happen in a certain way . Having such a routine makes a dog feel calm and safe down deep in her doggy guts . A dog likes the idea of " We 've always done it that way , and we will just keep on doing it that way forever and ever . " That 's what makes a dog feel happy . I 'm a dog , and I know these things . But like I say , Mom tends to make our schedule go all cuckoo sometimes . Ha ! Did you notice how I cleverly used the word cuckoo when there was a picture of a cuckoo clock ? This is called a pun or an allusion or a metaphor or something like that . Anyway , I 'm sure it 's a sign of good writing . Tuesday was an excellent example of a day when Mom did not follow the schedule properly . What happened was this : we started out okay following the schedule , and then we got to the part where Mom finished breakfast and was reading the paper , and then Uncle Mike came ! I guess Mom knew he was coming , but we dogs didn 't so it was a Surprise . Mom tied Barry to the piano so he wouldn 't bite Uncle Mike , but the rest of us got to go to the door to sniff Uncle Mike because he 's always interesting to sniff . He smells like dogs and cats and horses and donkeys and ducks and geese and even a llama ! Uncle Mike is the person who remodeled our whole kitchen a couple of years ago . When he was doing that , he came every single day . Now Uncle Mike only comes every once in a while to fix some little stuff . That 's why he came on Tuesday , to fix some little stuff . So after Uncle Mike arrived , Mom took Barry and Mel to Doggy Daycare . Then she said she was going to walk me and Gabe , but it turned out that Mom hadn 't bought all the right parts for fixing the tub , so she and Uncle Mike went to the Plumber 's Friend store . When they got back , Mom had to leave and go to the chiropractor 's office . And then Uncle Mike left , but Mom still couldn 't walk us because she was expecting Another Repairman to come . This other man came to check out our furnace and air - conditioner to see if they were working okay . When he came in the door , he put all his tools down so we could sniff them . He was the kind of man who talks to dogs in sort of an annoying way like he thinks all dogs adore him , and he was waving his finger around in Gabe 's face , which I can tell you is not a smart thing to do if Gabe doesn 't know you very well . And of course Gabe immediately decided this man was scary and I thought the same thing . So I retreated to the sofa , where it was safe , but Gabe bravely snuck up behind the man and nipped at his pants leg . The man scolded Gabe for this , but Mom thought it sort of served him right . She did not say so to the man , though , because she did not want him to do anything bad to our furnace , which we will need all winter to keep us warm . So Mom just made Gabe stay away from the man after that , which Gabe was mostly happy to do . Then after the annoying man left , we finally got to go for our walk ! After that , Mom decided to take a nap because she was getting a cold and she felt kind of icky . So she took a nap , but Gabe and I did not help her take her nap . Instead , we stayed downstairs and took our own naps while guarding the house because Mel and Barry weren 't there to do that job like they usually do . By now you must be starting to get some idea of what a fascinating life I lead as a cute basenji girl . And you 're probably wishing you knew exactly how I spend every hour of every day . Well , you are in luck because today I am going to tell you about a typical day for me ! Unfortunately , the times listed are kind of approximate because Mom doesn 't keep as strict a schedule as I would like her to . But this is the best I can do , under the circumstances ! Start hoping that Mom will wake up and get out of bed . Which she usually does , except if she decides to sleep a little later . Sometimes we can hurry her along a bit by doing some loud licking of our private parts . Naptime ! Mom often leaves the house and abandons us at about this time . Sometimes she goes to the Humane Society or sometimes she goes someplace else . So mostly we dogs just hang out and take naps . Guest blogger Barry here , and I 'm going to talk about thunderstorms , which I fear and loathe with a passion ! Here 's a photo of me after I ripped out several of my teeth while I was crated during a thunderstorm one time . I was all swollen and felt quite miserable . I had to have surgery twice to repair all the damage . It was not fun , and Mom will tell you that it was not inexpensive . And it all happened because of a nasty old thunderstorm ! I can 't remember a time when I was not terrified during thunderstorms , although maybe I didn 't feel that way when I was a little pup . On the other hand , my two siblings are both scared of storms , too , so either we all inherited the " fear of thunderstorms " gene or else we learned the fear from our doggy mom . Or maybe from our foster mom and dad . Anyway , by the time I finally got adopted , I was terrifically afraid of storms . One bad thing about storms is that you can hear and feel them coming a long time before they ever arrive . So you have lots of time to suffer from dread . Maybe you have felt dread yourself sometimes , like before you had to perform in front of a bunch of people or before you went sky - diving or before you went to the dentist , and so you understand how horrible it makes you feel . What happens to me is that I start panting a lot and I drool and I get very restless . I can 't sit still , and I have to pace all around and go up and down the stairs and jump on and off the bed . If it 's the middle of the night when there 's a storm , I pretty much drive Mom nuts by doing this , but I can 't help it . The air feels all electric and crazy , and the thunder is incredibly loud , and I 'm just afraid I 'm going to die . And the worst part is that there 's no way to get away from it all ! Actually , I 'm somewhat better about storms than I used to be . The reason for this is that I now take Amitriptyline for my allergies . Amitriptyline is a drug whose name is very hard to spell . People use it if they are depressed , but in dogs it acts kind of like an antihistamine . However , it can also make a dog calmer , which is what happened with me when I started taking it regularly . Now if there 's a thunderstorm , I can at least lie down near Mom 's feet and stay there instead of pacing - - unless the thunder is really , really loud . Whenever there 's a storm in the daytime , I make it a point to stick very close to Mom . I stick so close that she can hardly walk without tripping over me . This sometimes annoys her , but she understands that it is her duty to keep me safe from the scary storm . But occasionally she shirks her duty and simply leaves the house while there is a storm going on ! I still can 't believe she would even think of doing this , but sadly , she does . I usually try to weasel my way out to the garage with her because I can 't stand the thought of her leaving me , but she won 't let me go with her . She says I will be okay , and surprisingly , she 's been right so far , but you never know . One time Mom left me and Piper shut up in the bedroom when she went to a meeting . She left us there because a man was doing some work at our house , and I tend to want to bite him . So that 's why Mom shut me in the bedroom . Piper came in to keep me company , so Mom shut her in there , too . Then a big , scary storm came up while Mom was gone . I was frantic , trying to get out of the bedroom , and I chewed and scratched at the door . Mom was not happy when she got home and found out what I had done . She said it was a wonder I didn 't have splinters in my feet and mouth , but I didn 't . The time I mentioned before , when I pulled my teeth out during a storm - - that happened when Mom and Gabe and Piper went to the Basenji National in St . Louis . Mom boarded Mel and me at A Dog 's World ( now called Pooches ' Paradise ) . Back in those days , they didn 't have any runs there . They just put the dogs in crates at night . Mom knew I didn 't like crates , but she thought I 'd be okay for a few nights there after getting worn out with doggy daycare all day . And she would have been right if there hadn 't been a terrible storm . It was so , so loud and frightening , and it seemed like it went on forever ! I tried to get the door of my crate open , and I got my jaw wedged under the door . I pulled out one of my canine teeth , root and all , and broke off another canine tooth . Also some of my other teeth came out along with their roots . I cut my face and skinned up my jaw , and I bled a whole bunch . Dr . Patricia said I could have bled to death , but I didn 't . In some ways I 'm very tough . It just happens that I 'm petrified during storms ! Anyway , that whole incident was several years ago , and I 've long since healed up . Having fewer teeth is no problem for me . I can still eat all kinds of things . I never spend a lot of time chewing anyway . It 's easier just to swallow stuff pretty much whole ! I wish there were something that could be done about thunderstorms . Like maybe they could be outlawed or something like that . Mom said that wouldn 't work , though , because storms are an Act of God , and you can 't pass a law against an Act of God . Well , you can , but it won 't do much good ! So I 'm still trying to work out what to do about this problem . If you have any good suggestions , just let me know . This is the true story of a dog named Hachiko , who lived in Japan a long time ago . Hachiko was an Akita , which is a Japanese breed of dog that has a lot of thick fur . He was born on a farm in 1924 , and then he went to live in Tokyo with his owner , whose name was Hidesaburo Ueno . I 'm not sure why anyone would have such a strange name that 's so hard to pronounce , but Mom says it 's a Japanese name , and the people in Japan can probably pronounce it just fine . Anyway , Mr . Ueno was a professor of agriculture at the university . Every day , he went on the train to his job . Then in the afternoon , he came home again on the train , and Hachiko met him at the station . Hachiko was very smart , and he knew exactly what time the train would come to the station . So he would be there on time every day , even though he didn 't even wear a watch . But then one day , a tragic thing happened . Professor Ueno had a stroke while he was at work , and he didn 't come home on the train . Hachiko was at the station , waiting for him , but his dad never came home again . This made Hachiko very sad , but he kept hoping his dad would come home , so every day for nine years he went to the train station to wait for him . Hachiko got a new family to live with , but every day he ran off to the station to meet the train . And every day , lots of people saw him there , waiting for the train . They started bringing him treats and yummy stuff to eat . Then one of Professor Ueno 's students wrote some articles about Hachiko , and everybody read them and learned what a faithful dog he was . Moms and dads told their children that they should be faithful and loyal , just like Hachiko . After he died , Hachiko was stuffed and mounted , which is kind of weird , if you ask me . But if you want to see him , just go to the National Science Museum of Japan . Or you can look at this photo , which is cheaper than traveling all the way to Japan : Another thing the Japanese people did to honor Hachiko was to make a statue of him . They even made it while he was still alive , so he could be there for the dedication . Then later , during the war , they melted the statue down because they needed the metal . But after the war , they made another statue , and it looks like this : Some people have written books about Hachiko , like for instance Hachiko Waits , by Leslea Newman . I have not read this book personally , so I cannot say whether it is a good book or not , but it would probably be fun to read , if you have time . If you don 't have time to read the book , you can just go to the movie which will be coming out next month . It is called Hachiko : A Dog 's Story . It has Richard Gere in it and also Joan Allen . They are both good actors , so that probably means the movie will be good , too . It is not the exact story of Hachiko , though , because it takes place in America , and not in Japan . But it 's a story that is inspired by the story of Hachiko , and it has an Akita in it . Anyway , that 's the story of the famous dog , Hachiko . If you like this story and want an Akita of your very own , you can adopt one from the Humane Society of Greater Kansas City . They have an Akita named Fancy there . She has been there for 3 or 4 years , so it 's about time someone adopted her . Mom says that Fancy is a very nice dog and will make some family very happy . Here 's a picture of her : Mom says we can never adopt an Akita at our house because they have too much hair . Mom is allergic to dogs , if you can believe it , so she can only have short - haired dogs like basenjis . But somebody who isn 't allergic to dogs could give Fancy a nice home , and we hope that is what will happen . When I first found out that some trees are called dogwood trees , I thought it was only natural that there should be trees that are specially named in honor of dogs . But then I did some research on the internet , and I was shocked to learn that some people believe dogwoods were not named for dogs at all ! Of course , Mom says you can 't believe everything you read on the internet , but I think it wouldn 't be there if it weren 't true . After all , my blog is on the internet , and everything in it is absolutely and completely true . But anyway , back to dogwoods . In the spring , they bloom , and some are white , and some are pink . But do you know what ? Those white and pink parts that I thought were petals of the flowers are not petals at all ! They 're called " bracts , " and they 're not really flowers . The flower part is that little yellow stuff in the middle of the bracts . This is the same deal as with another kind of flower that is called a poinsettia , which also has bracts . The important thing to remember about poinsettias is that dogs shouldn 't eat them because they are poisonous ! As far as I know , dogwoods are not poisonous , but it 's probably still a good idea not to eat them . Well , okay , so here 's how the dogwood got its name . Or how it might have got its name , because nobody knows absolutely for sure . There was this Middle English word , dagge , and it meant " a pointy thing that hangs down . " This is the word that we now call " dagger " in modern English , because a dagger is a pointy thing , and if you wear it in your belt , it hangs down . So the theory is that the wood from this particular tree was used to make pointy things like daggers or skewers or arrows or tool handles . And the reason this tree was used was because it had really hard wood , which is a good quality to have if you are going to stab somebody with a wooden dagger . So the tree was originally a dagwood tree , which should not be confused with a dagwood sandwich , because that 's something different ( and yummier ! ) . Anyway , that 's one theory . But there 's another one that reaPosted by Friday Mom took me and Gabe to the vet 's office , and here 's what we did there . First we got treats while we were in the waiting room . Then Gabe had to put on his muzzle and go in the back room so they could stick a needle in his bladder and get some pee out of it . I have had this exact same thing done to me , and I can tell you that it hurts . But I don 't have to wear a muzzle , like Gabe does . That is because I don 't bite vets and vet techs . At least I never bit one so far . Mom is very proud of me because I am her only dog who doesn 't have to wear a muzzle at the vet 's office . Anyway , the reason Gabe had to get the pee test thingy done is because he had an infection , and first he took Clavamox , but that didn 't make him all better , so then he had to take Baytril . Now we think he is finally cured , but to make sure , some people in a lab will try to make bacteria grow out of his pee . If they can 't do it , then we will know he doesn 't have the bacteria anymore . The reason Mom first thought that Gabe had an infection was because he had really stinky pee . One morning he got out of bed and went and peed in our back room on the rug , and it was very stinky for many days , even though Mom tried to get the rug to stop being stinky . The rug is better now , but sometimes it still smells a little like it got peed on . So anyway , that 's why Gabe had to go to the vet 's office . And the reason why I had to go there was to get the rest of my stitches out . Which I did ! And Mom doesn 't have to put the Bite - Not collar on me anymore because now I don 't feel obsessed with the urge to lick my incision . Yesterday , Mel and Barry had a Good Adventure while they were walking . They found an English Muffin ! It was a whole one without even one bite taken out of it ! They both found it at the same time , but Barry was the one who ended up with the English Muffin because he is the Alpha Dog , and Mel is not ever going to fight him for anything that Barry wants . Ha ! The bad part was that when Mom saw what Barry had , she pried his mouth open and took the muffin Posted by Hi again ! It 's me , Gabe ! Piper asked me if I would write an entry about Trixie , since I probably knew her the best of all , so I said I would . I hope it doesn 't make me too sad , though , because sometimes I still miss her . Trixie was Mom 's first basenji . Before she got Trixie , Mom had a Lakeland terrier named Cappy . I guess Mom had kind of a love / hate relationship with Cappy , and she swore that she would never get another dog after Cappy died . Then Cappy did die , and within two weeks , Mom decided she really needed to get another dog . So she did some research about breeds , and she thought it would be great to have a basenji , which just goes to prove that Mom has good taste in dog breeds ! Mom first thought she would adopt a rescued basenji , but it seemed like it would take a long time to get one , so she ended up going to visit a breeder named Linda who lives near us . Mom looked at a bunch of former show dogs that Aunt Linda had , and out of all of them , she chose Trixie . Originally , Trixie was called Skippy because her registered name was Blakemor 's Skipper . But Mom changed her name because she thought Skippy sounded like a boy 's name . And also like peanut butter . Trixie was a show dog , and she got 7 points , including 1 major , but that was not enough points to make her a champion . Anyway , she didn 't like being a show dog , so Aunt Linda finally stopped making her go to shows . Trixie was 5 when she came to live with Mom . For a while , Trixie was an only dog , but Mom was worried that Trixie was lonely . So she and Trixie drove down to Oklahoma City , which is where I met them for the first time . But Mom did not adopt me then . Instead , she adopted my younger brother , Marco . Marco was really and truly my brother because we had the same parents . But we weren 't littermates because I was born a year earlier than Marco . Anyway , I 'm not going to tell Marco 's story because it 's even sadder than Trixie 's . I 'll just tell you that Marco died , and not long after that , Mom found out that Trixie had a disease called Fanconi Syndrome . Fanconi Posted by Yesterday was Thursday , which meant it was TRASH DAY ! Every Thursday is Trash Day unless there is a holiday , and then Friday is Trash Day . Except if the holiday comes on Friday , then Thursday is still Trash Day . Anyway I think it is very nice of the city government to have such a special day once a week . Because on Trash Day , as I explained once before , there is a better chance than usual that we will have a Good Adventure while we are out walking . What happened yesterday was that we had several small Good Adventures and no Bad Adventures , so I was happy . Besides finding some cicadas - - although only a few - - I found a Tortilla Chip ! I was going to eat the whole thing myself , but it was so big that part of it fell out of my mouth , and Gabe ate the part I dropped . After that , I found a Dirty Kleenex , which made Mom said " Leave it ! " and I did . Then I found another one , and Mom made me leave that one , too . And after that , I found a Q - Tip , but Mom didn 't let me get close enough to even get it in my mouth . Gabe found some spilled kitty litter , but Mom dragged him away from it . All together , though , I think it was a pretty good day for walking because we found some good stuff , even though we didn 't get to bring it home . Okay , well , I said I would tell you some more about basenji sounds , so I guess I 'll do that now . Mom says I 'm a talkative girl because I say " ow - oop " whenever I want to make a comment . And sometimes I make a sound like dogs make at the end of a yawn . When I am warning Gabe to not even think about stealing my chewy , I make a kind of grumbly , growly noise . Mom says it sounds like I am cussing Gabe out . She says it 's like if a person with a mouthful of marbles were cussing at another person , and you couldn 't understand any of the words , but you could pretty much guess what they were saying . Oh , and then there 's my shriek . I am a talented shrieker . Just let somebody bite me or step on my foot , and I let out a big yelpy kind of shriek that is almost enough to curdle your blood . Right after I first came here fromPosted by People usually say that basenjis are barkless dogs , and they are usually right . I , for example , never bark , so I guess that makes me the perfect basenji ! My brother Gabe , on the other hand , barks sometimes , but not very often or very much . The biggest number of barks I 've ever heard from him at one time is three , like this : " Boof ! Boof ! Boof ! " But just because basenjis don 't bark , that doesn 't mean they are silent . The truth is that we basenjis can make all kinds of interesting and useful sounds , ranging from growls to shrieks . There 's really no good word to describe the sound basenjis make most often , so people have to call it a yodel or a baroo . If you have not lived with basenjis , you may not have heard this delightful sound . There are some good examples of basenjis barooing on YouTube . Last night I found a really nice one to share with you . In this video , a person plays the theme from Braveheart on the piano , and the basenji begins to sing along . I found this video to be hauntingly beautiful . But when Mom heard it , she laughed a lot and called it " hilarious . " To be honest , this really hurt my feelings , but I am trying to forgive Mom because I know that sometimes she speaks without thinking first . Anyway , we did not get to hear the end of the video because the sound of it inspired Barry to start howling , and then Mel joined in , and so did Gabe and I , and we ended up doing a Group Howl which drowned out the end of the video . But maybe you can listen all the way to the end , if no one starts howling at your house . Anyway , here 's where you can find the video on YouTube : http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = XT0k1GzPEjo Now I will tell you about the Group Howl , which is an important ritual in our house . Before Barry came to live here , there was no Group Howl . This is because Gabe and Mel and Trixie never thought to howl together all at the same time . Then Barry came , and he would start howling sometimes , and everybody else decided it would be fun to howl along with him . Now we do the Group Howl ritual almost every day , and sometimes we do it more than once a day . The Group Howl happens most often in the morning . When Mom is eating breakfast and she finishes her yogurt and scrapes the bottom of the yogurt container , this is an Important Signal to us dogs . The Signal means that pretty soon Mom will finish reading the paper and then she 'll brush her teeth , and then we can go WALKING ! The thought of all this good stuff to come makes us excited , so Barry runs around and then he woofs a little , and then he begins to howl . Then Gabe and Mel begin to howl , and pretty soon I feel like howling , too , so I do ! Another thing that can make Barry start the Group Howl is sirens . Sometimes we hear a siren way off in the distance , and Mom cannot even hear it because of her inferior hearing abilities . So we start howling , and Mom wonders why we decided to howl . But then when we finish , maybe the siren is close enough so that she can finally hear it , and then she knows why we were howling . Hi , it 's Mel again . Today 's subject is Doggy Daycare , which I hope you won 't find too boring . Yesterday Mom took me and Barry to Pooches ' Paradise , which is what our daycare is called . I 'm not sure if it really is like paradise to be there , at least according to the usual definition of " paradise , " but it 's a pretty nice place for a dog to spend the day . What we do there is we sniff all the other dogs ' butts so we can get to know them a little . Then maybe we play with them , if we like any of them well enough . On a nice day , like it was yesterday , they leave the door open , so we can go outside anytime we want to . The building that the daycare is in used to be a body shop where people fixed cars that got smashed up . So there 's no grass or anything outside . It 's just pavement . And inside it 's just a floor with no carpets or rugs or anything . There 's a room for big dogs and another one for smaller dogs . Barry and I always go in the room with the smaller dogs . There 's also a place for greyhounds . Some of these greyhounds were rescued from the racetrack . And sometimes greyhounds that have already been adopted go to board at Pooches ' Paradise while their people are out of town . Piper goes to doggy daycare , too sometimes , but if she goes , then either Barry or I stay home because Mom only takes two dogs there at a time . Gabe never goes because he is Dog Aggressive . In the middle of the day , they put us in crates so we can take a nap . Otherwise , what we mostly do is play and pee and poop and hang with the other dogs and bark . We 're not really supposed to bark at doggy daycare , and if we bark a lot , we get squirted with a water bottle . And any dog that gets mean and starts a fight has to do time - out for a while . I always try to stay far away from dogfights , but one time I got bitten on my back at doggy daycare . No one knew it happened until I got home and Mom found the wound . Well , some of us dogs knew it happened , but the humans didn 't know . So I had to go visit Dr Patricia and get my wound cleaned and get some antibiotics . In tPosted by Henry lives next door to us . He is a dog , but he is not a basenji . Henry is a soft - coated wheaten terrier . I think that this is a stupid name for a dog breed . It is way too long , for one thing . Why do they have to say " soft - coated " as part of the name of the breed ? Have you ever heard of a rough - coated wheaten terrier ? Or a wire - haired wheaten terrier ? How about a curly - coated wheaten terrier ? If the idea is to tell the judge at a dog show that he should expect all wheaten terriers to have soft coats , this could just be written in the breed standard . That way , everyone who ever mentions the breed does not have to say " soft - coated " along with " wheaten " and " terrier . " Anyway , this is my personal opinion on the matter , even though no one asked me ! But getting back to Henry , he is a wheaten terrier who was just a puppy when he first got adopted by his family . In those days , we had a chainlink fence around our back yard . Now we have a wood privacy fence . The reason we got a wood fence is all because of Henry . I like Henry , but Gabe and Barry don 't like him very much . Gabe , in fact , hates Henry , and Henry hates Gabe right back . So the two of them , and also Barry , do a lot of fence - fighting . " Fence - fighting " does not mean having a fight with a fence . It means dogs are trying to fight each other , even though there is a fence between them . Fence - fighting is a result of the canine law of Barrier Aggression . This law states that if there is a dog on the other side of a fence , that dog is automatically an enemy who should be attacked . Not all dogs follow the law of Barrier Aggression . I don 't , for example , but my brothers all do . Maybe it 's more of a boy thing , I don 't know . Here is a photo of Gabe and me and Henry by the old chainlink fence . This is the only photo we have of Henry , but you can 't tell much about him in this photo because he is moving really fast . You certainly can 't tell if he has a soft coat or not . Ha ! Henry has three children at his house . I mean human children , not puppies . Mom used to worry that one of the Posted by I am a charming chihuahua named Dorrie . This blog was started by my basenji sister , Piper , but she went to the Rainbow Bridge . Now I 'm stuck with writing the blog , but so far , it 's been fun . I have two crazy chi brothers named Tristan and Marius . We live with five cats and with Mom , who is a human .

First of all , I will tell you that Mom is finally feeling better , which means she 's not so grumpy like she was for a while . Her throat doesn 't hurt anymore , but she still coughs and blows her nose and does stuff like that . Also she uses any excuse she can to take a nap . If she were a dog , she wouldn 't need an excuse in order to take a nap . It must be hard being a human ! Anyway , what I wanted to tell you about Mom is that she has a whole bunch of plants that she keeps around sort of like pets , except they aren 't as interesting as dogs or cats are . But the good part is they don 't have to be fed as much as dogs or cats do . I don 't know why she has these plants . They aren 't cuddly and entertaining like dogs are , but she insists on keeping them anyway . Most of Mom 's plants are what are called " succulent " plants . This means they suck up water and they store it someplace inside themselves , sort of like a camel stores water in its hump . At least that 's what I heard about camels , so I guess it 's true . Anyway , a plant can store water in its leaves or in its stem or in its roots , but not in its ears , for example , because plants don 't have ears ! Mom used to have a bunch of cactus plants , but they didn 't grow too well at our house because we have too much shade due to our huge oak tree . Also cactus plants are full of spines and they are generally not very friendly plants . So now Mom has mostly other types of succulent plants because they are not always dying like the cactus plants did . Well , sometimes they die , but when that happens , Mom just gets another different plant and tries to see if she can make it grow instead . So the point of all this is that Mom has all these plants , like over a hundred , and in the summer , they like to sit outside on the patio where the grasshoppers can chew on them , and they can get rained on . But in the winter , they have to come back inside so they won 't freeze to death . Well , now that it 's officially autumn , the weather is getting colder , and it 's time for the plants to come inside the house . Except that Mom has been sick , so she didn 't feel like carrying them all inside , which takes a long time because she has to try to clean them up and get the spiders and acorns and stuff off them . But yesterday she really did feel like doing that , so she brought in maybe half the plants . Today she is going to bring in the rest of them . Or at least that 's what she says . It 's fun for us dogs when Mom is bringing in the plants because she leaves the door open , and we can go out or come in or stay out or whatever we want to do . I even did some sunbathing , which I am not supposed to do because I might get cancer . And we all fence - fought with Henry , and Mom didn 't make us come inside because she was busy bringing plants in . So Henry 's mom had to come out and make him go inside instead . Well , that 's about all I have to say about Mom 's plants . I like it better when the plants are outside because when they are inside , they sort of block our view out the windows . We like to watch the squirrels in the backyard , and it 's hard when there are plants in the way . Mom always leaves a little space for us to sit by the window , though , and it 's right where the heat vent is , so that makes it a good place to sit . Mom is really pretty smart sometimes , I mean when it comes to knowing how to make dogs happy ! Here 's a really old story that you might have heard before , but it 's short , so I will tell it to you again . There was this dog , see , and he went in a barn and got up in the manger , which is what cows and horses eat out of , so it 's sort of like a dog dish for cows . Anyway , the manger was full of hay , which made it an excellent bed for the dog because hay is soft and it smells good , too . So the dog took a nice nap , and while he was sleeping , an ox came along and wanted to eat some hay . ( An ox , in case you don 't know , is a bull who had a certain kind of surgery so he wouldn 't be flirting with all the cows when he was really supposed to be pulling wagons and doing other work like that . ) But the dog , who was rudely awakened from his nice nap , snarked at the ox and wouldn 't let him eat any hay . That 's it . That 's the whole story . Except it 's not really called a " story . " It 's called a " fable , " which means it is supposed to teach you a lesson . And here 's the exact lesson you are supposed to learn from this fable : First of all , the ox was all wrong to wake the dog up like that when he was sleeping . Didn 't this ox ever hear of the Canine Law of " Let sleeping dogs lie " ? Many dogs don 't enjoy being awakened like this , and they snap at whoever woke them up . The ox could have been much nicer and more polite about waking the dog up , and then the dog might have been more willing to get out of the manger . But the main point is that the moral of the story says that the dog was not enjoying the hay in the manger , even though he clearly was . Hay can be a nice bed as well as a nice meal for an ox , and this is a fact that the dog recognized right away . So he found a nice bed for himself and he was willing to defend his bed because he had been enjoying it a whole bunch . He was just doing what dogs do . They defend their territory . They don 't defend stuff that they don 't care about . I am a dog and I know this . So who wrote this goofy fable story in the first place ? We think it was a man named Aesop , who was Greek , and he lived a long , long time ago . Nobody really knows much about him , which is true of a lot of people that lived a long , long time ago . Mr . Aesop might have been a slave . And he might have died by being pushed off a cliff by an angry mob of people . In my opinion , it 's more likely that he was attacked and eaten by dogs since he didn 't write very nice stories about them ! Here 's a picture of Mr . Aesop . As we can see from looking at it , he had a funny red hat . I like red hats , so maybe he wasn 't all bad . I just don 't think he understood dogs very well ! Do you know the story of the Rainbow Bridge ? It 's a place where animals that have been loved a lot go to wait for their people after they die . I 'll put the story below , so you can read it for yourself . The reason I wanted to talk about the Rainbow Bridge today is because we know a dog who died on Friday . His name was Khaki , and he was a Golden Retriever who was 9 years old . His mom was my mom 's friend , Aunt Barbara . We are all very sad about Khaki , but Aunt Barbara is the saddest of all . What happened with Khaki was that he got a rabies shot , and then later he started acting like he didn 't feel good , so Aunt Barbara thought maybe he had a reaction to the rabies shot . She took Khaki to her vet 's office and then to the emergency clinic . At the emergency clinic , they did this thing called a sonogram , and they found out that Khaki had cancer all inside his body . It was extremely sad , and Aunt Barbara didn 't want Khaki to suffer , so she let him be put to sleep . This means that when he wakes up , he will be at the Rainbow Bridge , which would be a lovely place to wake up , I think . Anyway , here is the Rainbow Bridge story . When you read it , you can think about Khaki and all the pets you have lost who are now waiting there for you , and it will make you feel better . I really believe it will . Just this side of heaven is a place called the Rainbow Bridge . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to the Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again , just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by . The animals are happy and content , except for one small thing ; they each miss someone very special to them , who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; His eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling together in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head , and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together . . . . Author unknown . Mom is almost never sick , so when she is , we dogs don 't know what to do about the situation . What 's wrong with Mom now is that she has a Very Bad Nasty Cold and a Horrible Sore Throat . This sickness causes her to make strange noises sometimes , like coughing , gargling , snoring , sneezing , and blowing her nose . We don 't like it when Mom is sick and makes strange noises because we worry about her . We don 't want anything to happen to her because she is the person who feeds us and so she is very important to us ! The good thing about Mom 's being sick is that she stays home with us a lot . Of course , she is not much fun because all she wants to do is sleep and read and watch TV and maybe mess around on the computer . But still , we like having her around instead of being gone all the time . This weekend Mom was supposed to help the poor , homeless doggies at the Humane Society find homes by taking them to the Plaza Art Fair . But Mom didn 't feel like doing that , so some other nice people had to do it instead . Mom is disappointed that she didn 't get to be with the dogs at the Art Fair because she likes to do that . Now she will have to wait until next year to go there . Yesterday morning Mom did not even walk us because she said she didn 't feel like it . Also she wanted to go to a place called Minute Clinic , at the CVS drugstore . Mom had never been there before , but her regular doctor doesn 't work on the weekends , and Mom wanted to find out if she had a stripped throat . Well , I think it is really called " strep " throat , but Mom says it feels like it has been stripped . We don 't know if this clinic place is supposed to be called MINute Clinic , like meaning 60 seconds , or MinUTE Clinic , like " small . " Mom said the place is definitely small , so maybe the second way to pronounce it is correct . She had to wait an hour before she could see the Nurse Practitioner , so she thinks it should be called Hour Clinic instead of Minute Clinic . Anyway , it turns out that Mom probably doesn 't have a stripped throat . Instead she has a sore throat that is caused by a virus . The nice Nurse Practitioner said that Mom would probably feel better starting today because that 's about how long it takes to feel better when you have a virus thing . Also she prescribed some stuff that Mom is supposed to gargle with that makes your mouth and throat all numb and that way it doesn 't hurt so much . She made me go to Dr . Patricia 's office on Wednesday so the nurse could stick something in my butt and get a poop sample . Well , guess what ! The lab said I didn 't have any worms at all that they could see . But Mom said I still had Soft Poop , so what 's up with that ? And Dr . Patricia decided I should get some pills for worms anyway , just in case there really are some and the lab just didn 't see them . So I 'll be taking more pills , but that 's good because Mom gives them to me in a yummy meatball made of dogfood . Mosquitoes are annoying little bug things that fly around and buzz in your ears and bite you ! You can eat a mosquito , but they are so small that you can hardly tell whether you ate it or not . They are certainly not yummy treats like cicadas , and you would have to eat about a million of them to equal the crunchy yumminess of one cicada ! We get mosquitoes in our house a lot because Mom leaves the door open when we dogs are in the back yard , and the mosquitoes fly right in , just like they were invited in , which they weren 't ! Then they buzz around in their irritating way and bite us while we are trying to watch TV or sleep or write a blog . Mom really hates this and I hate it , too ! Mosquitoes are bad for two reasons . The first reason is that they make you itch when they bite you , and the second reason is that they can give you diseases when they bite you . Mosquitoes are good because - - well , I can 't really think of any reasons why mosquitoes are good ! What dogs can mostly get from mosquitoes is HEARTWORMS . Heartworms are very bad to have because they can kill you if you get enough of them . This is why , if you are a dog , you should make sure that your person gives you heartworm preventive every month . We always get our heartworm stuff on the 25th day of the month . I don 't know why Mom gives it to us on that day , but she does . It 's sort of like having Christmas every single month because the heartworm preventive tastes really good . We even get it in the winter because even though it seems like the weather is cold enough to kill off all the mosquitoes , it 's still possible that a mosquito might not freeze to death and might come around and bite you even in the wintertime . Heartworms don 't start out as worms . They start out as little things called larvae . When the mosquito bites you , it puts some of these larvae in your blood . Then after several months , the larvae grow into heartworms . One worm can be as long as 10 inches , which is a very long and icky thing to have inside your heart . A dog might have heartworms and you couldn 't tell it for a few years . Then eventually the dog might have trouble breathing and might cough and might not like to go for long walks . If a vet figures out that a dog has heatworms before there are too many of them , the dog can be cured . This is like what happened to my littermate sister in Houston , who had heartworms but then got treated for them . It costs a bunch of money for the treatment , though , and it 's not much fun for the dog , so it 's better to do the prevention thing . There are probably more , but this just gives you an idea of how many nasty diseases mosquitoes can be involved with ! Some of these diseases are found more in places like Africa and Asia and South America . This is why when people travel there , they sometimes have to get a bunch of shots . West Nile Virus is a disease that you can find in the U . S . , even though the Nile is actually located in Egypt . West Nile Virus makes birds die . When it first got to Kansas City , a crow died in our neighbors ' yard and Mom had to go get it and put it in the trash because the neighbors were old and didn 't want to touch the crow . Now those neighbors are dead and they don 't live there anymore . But they didn 't die of West Nile virus , so don 't worry . It is possible for a dog or cat to get West Nile Virus , but it doesn 't happen very often . And even if it does happen , the dog or cat doesn 't get very sick . So if you 're a dog or cat , and you are bit by a mosquito , you should mostly worry about heartworms and not about any of those other fancy diseases . At least that 's my advice . Yes , that 's right ! It was exactly a month ago that I started blogging ! Can you believe it ? Can you even remember what your life was like before my intriguingly wonderful blog became a part of it ? No , I 'll bet you can 't ! But that 's okay . You don 't have to thank me . Just keep on reading ! Mom says that there may come a time when I will not be able to write every single day due to my busy schedule , which you learned all about in yesterday 's blog . Also she says I might run out of things to talk about . Sheesh ! How can she even think that ? I have an opinion about almost everything , so how could I run out of stuff to blog about ? Anyway , I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens . But getting back to the topic of schedules , now that you have seen how mine should ideally be , I will talk about how Mom manages to screw it all up sometimes . Because the fact is that Mom just does not understand how important it is to a dog to have a regular routine that can be counted on to always happen in a certain way . Having such a routine makes a dog feel calm and safe down deep in her doggy guts . A dog likes the idea of " We 've always done it that way , and we will just keep on doing it that way forever and ever . " That 's what makes a dog feel happy . I 'm a dog , and I know these things . But like I say , Mom tends to make our schedule go all cuckoo sometimes . Ha ! Did you notice how I cleverly used the word cuckoo when there was a picture of a cuckoo clock ? This is called a pun or an allusion or a metaphor or something like that . Anyway , I 'm sure it 's a sign of good writing . Tuesday was an excellent example of a day when Mom did not follow the schedule properly . What happened was this : we started out okay following the schedule , and then we got to the part where Mom finished breakfast and was reading the paper , and then Uncle Mike came ! I guess Mom knew he was coming , but we dogs didn 't so it was a Surprise . Mom tied Barry to the piano so he wouldn 't bite Uncle Mike , but the rest of us got to go to the door to sniff Uncle Mike because he 's always interesting to sniff . He smells like dogs and cats and horses and donkeys and ducks and geese and even a llama ! Uncle Mike is the person who remodeled our whole kitchen a couple of years ago . When he was doing that , he came every single day . Now Uncle Mike only comes every once in a while to fix some little stuff . That 's why he came on Tuesday , to fix some little stuff . So after Uncle Mike arrived , Mom took Barry and Mel to Doggy Daycare . Then she said she was going to walk me and Gabe , but it turned out that Mom hadn 't bought all the right parts for fixing the tub , so she and Uncle Mike went to the Plumber 's Friend store . When they got back , Mom had to leave and go to the chiropractor 's office . And then Uncle Mike left , but Mom still couldn 't walk us because she was expecting Another Repairman to come . This other man came to check out our furnace and air - conditioner to see if they were working okay . When he came in the door , he put all his tools down so we could sniff them . He was the kind of man who talks to dogs in sort of an annoying way like he thinks all dogs adore him , and he was waving his finger around in Gabe 's face , which I can tell you is not a smart thing to do if Gabe doesn 't know you very well . And of course Gabe immediately decided this man was scary and I thought the same thing . So I retreated to the sofa , where it was safe , but Gabe bravely snuck up behind the man and nipped at his pants leg . The man scolded Gabe for this , but Mom thought it sort of served him right . She did not say so to the man , though , because she did not want him to do anything bad to our furnace , which we will need all winter to keep us warm . So Mom just made Gabe stay away from the man after that , which Gabe was mostly happy to do . Then after the annoying man left , we finally got to go for our walk ! After that , Mom decided to take a nap because she was getting a cold and she felt kind of icky . So she took a nap , but Gabe and I did not help her take her nap . Instead , we stayed downstairs and took our own naps while guarding the house because Mel and Barry weren 't there to do that job like they usually do . By now you must be starting to get some idea of what a fascinating life I lead as a cute basenji girl . And you 're probably wishing you knew exactly how I spend every hour of every day . Well , you are in luck because today I am going to tell you about a typical day for me ! Unfortunately , the times listed are kind of approximate because Mom doesn 't keep as strict a schedule as I would like her to . But this is the best I can do , under the circumstances ! Start hoping that Mom will wake up and get out of bed . Which she usually does , except if she decides to sleep a little later . Sometimes we can hurry her along a bit by doing some loud licking of our private parts . Naptime ! Mom often leaves the house and abandons us at about this time . Sometimes she goes to the Humane Society or sometimes she goes someplace else . So mostly we dogs just hang out and take naps . Guest blogger Barry here , and I 'm going to talk about thunderstorms , which I fear and loathe with a passion ! Here 's a photo of me after I ripped out several of my teeth while I was crated during a thunderstorm one time . I was all swollen and felt quite miserable . I had to have surgery twice to repair all the damage . It was not fun , and Mom will tell you that it was not inexpensive . And it all happened because of a nasty old thunderstorm ! I can 't remember a time when I was not terrified during thunderstorms , although maybe I didn 't feel that way when I was a little pup . On the other hand , my two siblings are both scared of storms , too , so either we all inherited the " fear of thunderstorms " gene or else we learned the fear from our doggy mom . Or maybe from our foster mom and dad . Anyway , by the time I finally got adopted , I was terrifically afraid of storms . One bad thing about storms is that you can hear and feel them coming a long time before they ever arrive . So you have lots of time to suffer from dread . Maybe you have felt dread yourself sometimes , like before you had to perform in front of a bunch of people or before you went sky - diving or before you went to the dentist , and so you understand how horrible it makes you feel . What happens to me is that I start panting a lot and I drool and I get very restless . I can 't sit still , and I have to pace all around and go up and down the stairs and jump on and off the bed . If it 's the middle of the night when there 's a storm , I pretty much drive Mom nuts by doing this , but I can 't help it . The air feels all electric and crazy , and the thunder is incredibly loud , and I 'm just afraid I 'm going to die . And the worst part is that there 's no way to get away from it all ! Actually , I 'm somewhat better about storms than I used to be . The reason for this is that I now take Amitriptyline for my allergies . Amitriptyline is a drug whose name is very hard to spell . People use it if they are depressed , but in dogs it acts kind of like an antihistamine . However , it can also make a dog calmer , which is what happened with me when I started taking it regularly . Now if there 's a thunderstorm , I can at least lie down near Mom 's feet and stay there instead of pacing - - unless the thunder is really , really loud . Whenever there 's a storm in the daytime , I make it a point to stick very close to Mom . I stick so close that she can hardly walk without tripping over me . This sometimes annoys her , but she understands that it is her duty to keep me safe from the scary storm . But occasionally she shirks her duty and simply leaves the house while there is a storm going on ! I still can 't believe she would even think of doing this , but sadly , she does . I usually try to weasel my way out to the garage with her because I can 't stand the thought of her leaving me , but she won 't let me go with her . She says I will be okay , and surprisingly , she 's been right so far , but you never know . One time Mom left me and Piper shut up in the bedroom when she went to a meeting . She left us there because a man was doing some work at our house , and I tend to want to bite him . So that 's why Mom shut me in the bedroom . Piper came in to keep me company , so Mom shut her in there , too . Then a big , scary storm came up while Mom was gone . I was frantic , trying to get out of the bedroom , and I chewed and scratched at the door . Mom was not happy when she got home and found out what I had done . She said it was a wonder I didn 't have splinters in my feet and mouth , but I didn 't . The time I mentioned before , when I pulled my teeth out during a storm - - that happened when Mom and Gabe and Piper went to the Basenji National in St . Louis . Mom boarded Mel and me at A Dog 's World ( now called Pooches ' Paradise ) . Back in those days , they didn 't have any runs there . They just put the dogs in crates at night . Mom knew I didn 't like crates , but she thought I 'd be okay for a few nights there after getting worn out with doggy daycare all day . And she would have been right if there hadn 't been a terrible storm . It was so , so loud and frightening , and it seemed like it went on forever ! I tried to get the door of my crate open , and I got my jaw wedged under the door . I pulled out one of my canine teeth , root and all , and broke off another canine tooth . Also some of my other teeth came out along with their roots . I cut my face and skinned up my jaw , and I bled a whole bunch . Dr . Patricia said I could have bled to death , but I didn 't . In some ways I 'm very tough . It just happens that I 'm petrified during storms ! Anyway , that whole incident was several years ago , and I 've long since healed up . Having fewer teeth is no problem for me . I can still eat all kinds of things . I never spend a lot of time chewing anyway . It 's easier just to swallow stuff pretty much whole ! I wish there were something that could be done about thunderstorms . Like maybe they could be outlawed or something like that . Mom said that wouldn 't work , though , because storms are an Act of God , and you can 't pass a law against an Act of God . Well , you can , but it won 't do much good ! So I 'm still trying to work out what to do about this problem . If you have any good suggestions , just let me know . This is the true story of a dog named Hachiko , who lived in Japan a long time ago . Hachiko was an Akita , which is a Japanese breed of dog that has a lot of thick fur . He was born on a farm in 1924 , and then he went to live in Tokyo with his owner , whose name was Hidesaburo Ueno . I 'm not sure why anyone would have such a strange name that 's so hard to pronounce , but Mom says it 's a Japanese name , and the people in Japan can probably pronounce it just fine . Anyway , Mr . Ueno was a professor of agriculture at the university . Every day , he went on the train to his job . Then in the afternoon , he came home again on the train , and Hachiko met him at the station . Hachiko was very smart , and he knew exactly what time the train would come to the station . So he would be there on time every day , even though he didn 't even wear a watch . But then one day , a tragic thing happened . Professor Ueno had a stroke while he was at work , and he didn 't come home on the train . Hachiko was at the station , waiting for him , but his dad never came home again . This made Hachiko very sad , but he kept hoping his dad would come home , so every day for nine years he went to the train station to wait for him . Hachiko got a new family to live with , but every day he ran off to the station to meet the train . And every day , lots of people saw him there , waiting for the train . They started bringing him treats and yummy stuff to eat . Then one of Professor Ueno 's students wrote some articles about Hachiko , and everybody read them and learned what a faithful dog he was . Moms and dads told their children that they should be faithful and loyal , just like Hachiko . After he died , Hachiko was stuffed and mounted , which is kind of weird , if you ask me . But if you want to see him , just go to the National Science Museum of Japan . Or you can look at this photo , which is cheaper than traveling all the way to Japan : Another thing the Japanese people did to honor Hachiko was to make a statue of him . They even made it while he was still alive , so he could be there for the dedication . Then later , during the war , they melted the statue down because they needed the metal . But after the war , they made another statue , and it looks like this : Some people have written books about Hachiko , like for instance Hachiko Waits , by Leslea Newman . I have not read this book personally , so I cannot say whether it is a good book or not , but it would probably be fun to read , if you have time . If you don 't have time to read the book , you can just go to the movie which will be coming out next month . It is called Hachiko : A Dog 's Story . It has Richard Gere in it and also Joan Allen . They are both good actors , so that probably means the movie will be good , too . It is not the exact story of Hachiko , though , because it takes place in America , and not in Japan . But it 's a story that is inspired by the story of Hachiko , and it has an Akita in it . Anyway , that 's the story of the famous dog , Hachiko . If you like this story and want an Akita of your very own , you can adopt one from the Humane Society of Greater Kansas City . They have an Akita named Fancy there . She has been there for 3 or 4 years , so it 's about time someone adopted her . Mom says that Fancy is a very nice dog and will make some family very happy . Here 's a picture of her : Mom says we can never adopt an Akita at our house because they have too much hair . Mom is allergic to dogs , if you can believe it , so she can only have short - haired dogs like basenjis . But somebody who isn 't allergic to dogs could give Fancy a nice home , and we hope that is what will happen . When I first found out that some trees are called dogwood trees , I thought it was only natural that there should be trees that are specially named in honor of dogs . But then I did some research on the internet , and I was shocked to learn that some people believe dogwoods were not named for dogs at all ! Of course , Mom says you can 't believe everything you read on the internet , but I think it wouldn 't be there if it weren 't true . After all , my blog is on the internet , and everything in it is absolutely and completely true . But anyway , back to dogwoods . In the spring , they bloom , and some are white , and some are pink . But do you know what ? Those white and pink parts that I thought were petals of the flowers are not petals at all ! They 're called " bracts , " and they 're not really flowers . The flower part is that little yellow stuff in the middle of the bracts . This is the same deal as with another kind of flower that is called a poinsettia , which also has bracts . The important thing to remember about poinsettias is that dogs shouldn 't eat them because they are poisonous ! As far as I know , dogwoods are not poisonous , but it 's probably still a good idea not to eat them . Well , okay , so here 's how the dogwood got its name . Or how it might have got its name , because nobody knows absolutely for sure . There was this Middle English word , dagge , and it meant " a pointy thing that hangs down . " This is the word that we now call " dagger " in modern English , because a dagger is a pointy thing , and if you wear it in your belt , it hangs down . So the theory is that the wood from this particular tree was used to make pointy things like daggers or skewers or arrows or tool handles . And the reason this tree was used was because it had really hard wood , which is a good quality to have if you are going to stab somebody with a wooden dagger . So the tree was originally a dagwood tree , which should not be confused with a dagwood sandwich , because that 's something different ( and yummier ! ) . Anyway , that 's one theory . But there 's another one that reaPosted by Friday Mom took me and Gabe to the vet 's office , and here 's what we did there . First we got treats while we were in the waiting room . Then Gabe had to put on his muzzle and go in the back room so they could stick a needle in his bladder and get some pee out of it . I have had this exact same thing done to me , and I can tell you that it hurts . But I don 't have to wear a muzzle , like Gabe does . That is because I don 't bite vets and vet techs . At least I never bit one so far . Mom is very proud of me because I am her only dog who doesn 't have to wear a muzzle at the vet 's office . Anyway , the reason Gabe had to get the pee test thingy done is because he had an infection , and first he took Clavamox , but that didn 't make him all better , so then he had to take Baytril . Now we think he is finally cured , but to make sure , some people in a lab will try to make bacteria grow out of his pee . If they can 't do it , then we will know he doesn 't have the bacteria anymore . The reason Mom first thought that Gabe had an infection was because he had really stinky pee . One morning he got out of bed and went and peed in our back room on the rug , and it was very stinky for many days , even though Mom tried to get the rug to stop being stinky . The rug is better now , but sometimes it still smells a little like it got peed on . So anyway , that 's why Gabe had to go to the vet 's office . And the reason why I had to go there was to get the rest of my stitches out . Which I did ! And Mom doesn 't have to put the Bite - Not collar on me anymore because now I don 't feel obsessed with the urge to lick my incision . Yesterday , Mel and Barry had a Good Adventure while they were walking . They found an English Muffin ! It was a whole one without even one bite taken out of it ! They both found it at the same time , but Barry was the one who ended up with the English Muffin because he is the Alpha Dog , and Mel is not ever going to fight him for anything that Barry wants . Ha ! The bad part was that when Mom saw what Barry had , she pried his mouth open and took the muffin Posted by Hi again ! It 's me , Gabe ! Piper asked me if I would write an entry about Trixie , since I probably knew her the best of all , so I said I would . I hope it doesn 't make me too sad , though , because sometimes I still miss her . Trixie was Mom 's first basenji . Before she got Trixie , Mom had a Lakeland terrier named Cappy . I guess Mom had kind of a love / hate relationship with Cappy , and she swore that she would never get another dog after Cappy died . Then Cappy did die , and within two weeks , Mom decided she really needed to get another dog . So she did some research about breeds , and she thought it would be great to have a basenji , which just goes to prove that Mom has good taste in dog breeds ! Mom first thought she would adopt a rescued basenji , but it seemed like it would take a long time to get one , so she ended up going to visit a breeder named Linda who lives near us . Mom looked at a bunch of former show dogs that Aunt Linda had , and out of all of them , she chose Trixie . Originally , Trixie was called Skippy because her registered name was Blakemor 's Skipper . But Mom changed her name because she thought Skippy sounded like a boy 's name . And also like peanut butter . Trixie was a show dog , and she got 7 points , including 1 major , but that was not enough points to make her a champion . Anyway , she didn 't like being a show dog , so Aunt Linda finally stopped making her go to shows . Trixie was 5 when she came to live with Mom . For a while , Trixie was an only dog , but Mom was worried that Trixie was lonely . So she and Trixie drove down to Oklahoma City , which is where I met them for the first time . But Mom did not adopt me then . Instead , she adopted my younger brother , Marco . Marco was really and truly my brother because we had the same parents . But we weren 't littermates because I was born a year earlier than Marco . Anyway , I 'm not going to tell Marco 's story because it 's even sadder than Trixie 's . I 'll just tell you that Marco died , and not long after that , Mom found out that Trixie had a disease called Fanconi Syndrome . Fanconi Posted by Yesterday was Thursday , which meant it was TRASH DAY ! Every Thursday is Trash Day unless there is a holiday , and then Friday is Trash Day . Except if the holiday comes on Friday , then Thursday is still Trash Day . Anyway I think it is very nice of the city government to have such a special day once a week . Because on Trash Day , as I explained once before , there is a better chance than usual that we will have a Good Adventure while we are out walking . What happened yesterday was that we had several small Good Adventures and no Bad Adventures , so I was happy . Besides finding some cicadas - - although only a few - - I found a Tortilla Chip ! I was going to eat the whole thing myself , but it was so big that part of it fell out of my mouth , and Gabe ate the part I dropped . After that , I found a Dirty Kleenex , which made Mom said " Leave it ! " and I did . Then I found another one , and Mom made me leave that one , too . And after that , I found a Q - Tip , but Mom didn 't let me get close enough to even get it in my mouth . Gabe found some spilled kitty litter , but Mom dragged him away from it . All together , though , I think it was a pretty good day for walking because we found some good stuff , even though we didn 't get to bring it home . Okay , well , I said I would tell you some more about basenji sounds , so I guess I 'll do that now . Mom says I 'm a talkative girl because I say " ow - oop " whenever I want to make a comment . And sometimes I make a sound like dogs make at the end of a yawn . When I am warning Gabe to not even think about stealing my chewy , I make a kind of grumbly , growly noise . Mom says it sounds like I am cussing Gabe out . She says it 's like if a person with a mouthful of marbles were cussing at another person , and you couldn 't understand any of the words , but you could pretty much guess what they were saying . Oh , and then there 's my shriek . I am a talented shrieker . Just let somebody bite me or step on my foot , and I let out a big yelpy kind of shriek that is almost enough to curdle your blood . Right after I first came here fromPosted by People usually say that basenjis are barkless dogs , and they are usually right . I , for example , never bark , so I guess that makes me the perfect basenji ! My brother Gabe , on the other hand , barks sometimes , but not very often or very much . The biggest number of barks I 've ever heard from him at one time is three , like this : " Boof ! Boof ! Boof ! " But just because basenjis don 't bark , that doesn 't mean they are silent . The truth is that we basenjis can make all kinds of interesting and useful sounds , ranging from growls to shrieks . There 's really no good word to describe the sound basenjis make most often , so people have to call it a yodel or a baroo . If you have not lived with basenjis , you may not have heard this delightful sound . There are some good examples of basenjis barooing on YouTube . Last night I found a really nice one to share with you . In this video , a person plays the theme from Braveheart on the piano , and the basenji begins to sing along . I found this video to be hauntingly beautiful . But when Mom heard it , she laughed a lot and called it " hilarious . " To be honest , this really hurt my feelings , but I am trying to forgive Mom because I know that sometimes she speaks without thinking first . Anyway , we did not get to hear the end of the video because the sound of it inspired Barry to start howling , and then Mel joined in , and so did Gabe and I , and we ended up doing a Group Howl which drowned out the end of the video . But maybe you can listen all the way to the end , if no one starts howling at your house . Anyway , here 's where you can find the video on YouTube : http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = XT0k1GzPEjo Now I will tell you about the Group Howl , which is an important ritual in our house . Before Barry came to live here , there was no Group Howl . This is because Gabe and Mel and Trixie never thought to howl together all at the same time . Then Barry came , and he would start howling sometimes , and everybody else decided it would be fun to howl along with him . Now we do the Group Howl ritual almost every day , and sometimes we do it more than once a day . The Group Howl happens most often in the morning . When Mom is eating breakfast and she finishes her yogurt and scrapes the bottom of the yogurt container , this is an Important Signal to us dogs . The Signal means that pretty soon Mom will finish reading the paper and then she 'll brush her teeth , and then we can go WALKING ! The thought of all this good stuff to come makes us excited , so Barry runs around and then he woofs a little , and then he begins to howl . Then Gabe and Mel begin to howl , and pretty soon I feel like howling , too , so I do ! Another thing that can make Barry start the Group Howl is sirens . Sometimes we hear a siren way off in the distance , and Mom cannot even hear it because of her inferior hearing abilities . So we start howling , and Mom wonders why we decided to howl . But then when we finish , maybe the siren is close enough so that she can finally hear it , and then she knows why we were howling . Hi , it 's Mel again . Today 's subject is Doggy Daycare , which I hope you won 't find too boring . Yesterday Mom took me and Barry to Pooches ' Paradise , which is what our daycare is called . I 'm not sure if it really is like paradise to be there , at least according to the usual definition of " paradise , " but it 's a pretty nice place for a dog to spend the day . What we do there is we sniff all the other dogs ' butts so we can get to know them a little . Then maybe we play with them , if we like any of them well enough . On a nice day , like it was yesterday , they leave the door open , so we can go outside anytime we want to . The building that the daycare is in used to be a body shop where people fixed cars that got smashed up . So there 's no grass or anything outside . It 's just pavement . And inside it 's just a floor with no carpets or rugs or anything . There 's a room for big dogs and another one for smaller dogs . Barry and I always go in the room with the smaller dogs . There 's also a place for greyhounds . Some of these greyhounds were rescued from the racetrack . And sometimes greyhounds that have already been adopted go to board at Pooches ' Paradise while their people are out of town . Piper goes to doggy daycare , too sometimes , but if she goes , then either Barry or I stay home because Mom only takes two dogs there at a time . Gabe never goes because he is Dog Aggressive . In the middle of the day , they put us in crates so we can take a nap . Otherwise , what we mostly do is play and pee and poop and hang with the other dogs and bark . We 're not really supposed to bark at doggy daycare , and if we bark a lot , we get squirted with a water bottle . And any dog that gets mean and starts a fight has to do time - out for a while . I always try to stay far away from dogfights , but one time I got bitten on my back at doggy daycare . No one knew it happened until I got home and Mom found the wound . Well , some of us dogs knew it happened , but the humans didn 't know . So I had to go visit Dr Patricia and get my wound cleaned and get some antibiotics . In tPosted by Henry lives next door to us . He is a dog , but he is not a basenji . Henry is a soft - coated wheaten terrier . I think that this is a stupid name for a dog breed . It is way too long , for one thing . Why do they have to say " soft - coated " as part of the name of the breed ? Have you ever heard of a rough - coated wheaten terrier ? Or a wire - haired wheaten terrier ? How about a curly - coated wheaten terrier ? If the idea is to tell the judge at a dog show that he should expect all wheaten terriers to have soft coats , this could just be written in the breed standard . That way , everyone who ever mentions the breed does not have to say " soft - coated " along with " wheaten " and " terrier . " Anyway , this is my personal opinion on the matter , even though no one asked me ! But getting back to Henry , he is a wheaten terrier who was just a puppy when he first got adopted by his family . In those days , we had a chainlink fence around our back yard . Now we have a wood privacy fence . The reason we got a wood fence is all because of Henry . I like Henry , but Gabe and Barry don 't like him very much . Gabe , in fact , hates Henry , and Henry hates Gabe right back . So the two of them , and also Barry , do a lot of fence - fighting . " Fence - fighting " does not mean having a fight with a fence . It means dogs are trying to fight each other , even though there is a fence between them . Fence - fighting is a result of the canine law of Barrier Aggression . This law states that if there is a dog on the other side of a fence , that dog is automatically an enemy who should be attacked . Not all dogs follow the law of Barrier Aggression . I don 't , for example , but my brothers all do . Maybe it 's more of a boy thing , I don 't know . Here is a photo of Gabe and me and Henry by the old chainlink fence . This is the only photo we have of Henry , but you can 't tell much about him in this photo because he is moving really fast . You certainly can 't tell if he has a soft coat or not . Ha ! Henry has three children at his house . I mean human children , not puppies . Mom used to worry that one of the Posted by I am a charming chihuahua named Dorrie . This blog was started by my basenji sister , Piper , but she went to the Rainbow Bridge . Now I 'm stuck with writing the blog , but so far , it 's been fun . I have two crazy chi brothers named Tristan and Marius . We live with five cats and with Mom , who is a human .

In the eighties , we lived down in Nelson County , Virginia in an old dilapidated log house built by slaves before the Civil War . It was in such poor shape that the rent was free . We would be building a house on our land next door . When we moved in , there was no well or septic field , but there was electricity . Eventually we borrowed enough money to install a well , and we buried plastic water line six hundred feet over to the cabin . So at least we didn 't have to haul water from the pond for washing anymore . With three little kids , two of them still in diapers , there was always washing to be done . We didn 't have a bathroom . We had a composting toilet behind a curtain in the kitchen that the kids ' dad thought was the cats meow . " I can 't take having that disgusting , smelly , composting toilet in the kitchen ! It 's gross . I 'd rather have to get my boots on and go outside in the pouring down rain , in the middle of the night , than have to put up with having it in the kitchen one more day . " " Oh , yeah ? Well than you had better get to digging yourself one cause I 'm not . I have a perfectly good one right here where it 's warm and dry . " " Well , it has to be done right . Tell you what . When you dig a proper hole , at least six feet deep with nice squared off sides , then I 'll build you a outhouse . Till then , drop it . Will you ? " She went stomping off to the tool shed , first thing after breakfast the next morning . Set the kids up in the sandbox nearby with their shovels and trucks . First thing was to measure out the space where the hole would go and take off the sod . It was going to be a double holer so the kids could come out and use it at the same time she did . With a window and a door . She would dig the hole three by six feet wide and six feet deep . First she had to sharpen the shovel and the mattock with the file . She took shallow slices off and laid the sod in the wheelbarrow to fill the holes in the uneven yard . The red clay ground had baked brick hard , and sweat was pouring off her , as she chopped and shoveled . Loosened up a layer , shoveled it off into a pile . Loosened up another couple inches , shoveled it off . The ground was hard as rock . It would be a lot easier if a good rain was to come by and soften it some . After awhile , the kids got tired and needed lunch and a nap , so she had to quit . It was coming along though . Down about eighteen inches so far . She had other chores to do the rest of the day so she put the tools back in the shed and started rinsing out diapers and heating water on the stove to wash them in . The kids woke up and wanted to draw so she set them up with crayons and paper and colored with them for a bit . Her oldest daughter came walking up the lane from the school bus and wanted a snack before she started homework . Then it was time to go out in the garden and pick some squash and beans to make for supper . " I didn 't say I could do it in one day , you know . I have a lot of chores around here . What did you do today ? " " Hell . He won 't get me any work . He thinks he 's better than me . Say 's he can lay his own stone . " " Would you back off and quit nagging me ? Nobody wants to pay me what I 'm worth around here . I 'm going to have to go back down to Carolina to make any money . " " You could find work around here if you wanted . You just seem to think you should get paid more than anybody else . Maybe you should come down in price a little , just so you could work closer to home . " " I am not lowering my price . They can take it or leave it . It 's their loss . They don 't know quality when they see it . Now drop it . When 's dinner around here , anyway ? " Then it started to rain . It rained for two whole days and the hole filled up with water and the pile turned into a sticky red clay mess . Now it was going to have to dry out before she could dig it again , It took almost a week to dry out enough to work it again . Of course , all the weeds in the garden went gang busters from the rain , so she had to take care of them first . Then she had to pick and can all the green beans . There was always something . Meanwhile he still wasn 't working . He tried to look busy down in the bottom land . Said he was working on fence . What a joke . Finally , a couple weeks later , she got a break and was able to dig again . It was getting deep now and harder to throw the dirt up . She kept plugging away at it though . She had trouble climbing out of the hole , it was so deep . He didn 't care . He wasn 't helping . It was her problem . The neighbors up the hill came by and she told them what the hole was for . They allowed as how it was a pretty nice hole and it would be an improvement to have a good double holer out back . They thought it was a little weird to have a toilet in the kitchen , too . " It 's not big enough until you can lay down in it and be buried over . Get yourself out . I 'm not building you nothing . " She drove out the cove road fuming , wondering where she could go . She had to get away from him . He was driving her crazy . She decided to go visit her friend up on the mountain . She was always ready for a visit and they could chill out together . She would spend the night and to hell with him . Two weeks later , he came home all apologetic , with money in his pockets , from a small job his friend had found for him . He actually went down to the sawmill and bought some boards to build the outhouse with and spent a couple of days putting it together . It had a small window , scarfed up from the barn , and a hinged door with latches . The composting toilet finally got moved out of the kitchen , and stored down the hill in the tobacco barn , which made room to bring in the old iron bathtub and put it under the kitchen stairs . Grandmom sent some birthday money to buy an electric hot water heater , which fit under there too . Now there was both hot running water and a bathtub ! Things were looking up . The tiny little house I had to move into after I split up with my ex was only about a mile away from where we had been living together in Freshwater Cove . The thing is , I wanted him gone and he would not leave . So I had to move out . Now he was sitting in the old log cabin where we had lived for the last six years and looking out the window at my twenty three acres . The beautiful land that I had bought with the money my Uncle Wats left me . The land we were supposed to build a house on together . My veggie garden and my pony Ranza were still there so I had to go back and forth a lot . I did not want to leave but I could not tolerate his treatment of me anymore and it was bad for my kids . I have three girls aged two , four and ten , all blonde and blue eyed . I had to protect them from his ugliness . So we moved into Owl Hollow for a time . Mary and Baylor Thacker owned the farm Owl Hollow was on . They did not have any kids of their own although they had wanted a family . They tended to try and parent folks who rented their little house up the hollow and sometimes that got a little tiresome . I was friends with the last family that lived there and had often wondered how they put up with the Thackers trying to tell them how to run their lives . Now it was my turn . The tiny house sits way back from the county road , down a long , narrow and muddy lane that hugs the hill it perches on . There are some scary drop offs along the way and you need to be careful , especially when the mud is freshly slicked by rain . I had a VW bus and it was not the best thing for maneuvering in precarious places . Sometimes , we all four of us , just had to walk in instead . It was pretty back up in there and the only close neighbors were the beef cows . We shared a spring with the cows and as Baylor said , The water ran downhill through a plastic pipe into the house from the spring box up on the hill . There was no pump , it was just gravity fed . There was no hot water until you heated up a bucket on the stove . I was pretty used to that set up , having lived without any kind of running water for a long time . There was electric to the house though , and a little washroom off the kitchen with a wonderful cast iron bathtub in it . The tub was shorter than the usual size and nice and deep . I would heat up two big speckle - ware enamel canning buckets , dump them in the tub , and add cold water till it was just the right temperature and all three girls would share a nice bath out of it . It took all of maybe eight or nine gallons each time . It was a tiny room with only one square of a window and a curtain over the door so it wasn 't too drafty . We kept a pee pot in there too , so we didn 't always have to go to the outhouse . It was really kind of nice having an actual washroom . In the log cabin , we had finally , after four years , put in a hot water heater ( a birthday present from my Mom ) and set a tub up under the stairs in the kitchen . There was no privacy there though , and if somebody opened the front door it was really cold . Plus , you could hit your head on the stairs if you weren 't careful getting in and out . Still , it was a major step up from bucket baths outside on the porch . The girls had a bedroom up in the attic at Owl hollow . There was a set of real stairs leading up there from one side of the living room , opposite of where the woodstove was . The heat made it up the stairs and it was cozy up there . There was a window up there and the ceiling was finished off with ceiling boards . My oldest daughter , Carina , needed her own space , away from the little ones , so I built a dividing wall for her out of wooden tomato stakes and stapled up this dusty rose colored cloth I had been hanging on to for years . It kept out most of the light from her reading lamp , so the little ones could sleep , and gave her some privacy . Grace and Robin learned pretty quick not to cross over into her room without asking first . Carina My bedroom ended up being out on the back porch , which was screened on the upper half and wood siding down below . I added insulation to the wood part , stapled six mil plastic up all over , laid a cheap rug on the floor , and it made a nice room . I had a futon mattress on the floor and the old chifferobe from Carinas Grandpop Talbot for my clothes . The patchwork quilt I made , from the scraps I got when I worked at the garment factory back in Pennsboro , cheered it up a lot . When it was cold I could open the window into the living room and get some heat from the woodstove in there . There wasn 't any insulation in the walls of the house but it was fairly tight otherwise . My Mama Bear woodstove had no problem heating it since it was so small . And I had a gas cook stove in the kitchen hooked up to one of those small propane tanks you can take and get refilled down at the Southern States store down in Colleen . A fridge came with the house . It was one of those really old , rounded , fifties style ones , that somebody had spray painted to cover the rust , but it ran OK . I was going to replace the gasket on it but that would have cost $ 50 so that didn 't happen . I bought a used chest freezer for $ 100 instead and put it out in the mudroom porch off the kitchen . The heat off it kept that space from freezing too badly after I stapled plastic up on the walls . I made a fabric flap in the outside door for the dogs , Geeshen and Possum , so they could get out of the weather when we were gone during the day . We hung all our coats and left our muddy boots out there . Mudrooms are great . My 72 VW Bus at Owl Hollow Muddy driveways are not so great . At least not without four wheel drive . The VW bus would easily go sideways in mud and could not be trusted to stay on the road when it was slick . Once when I was driving down the cove road , which was paved , it did a 180 in the road for no reason at all . There was about an inch of snow on the ground , the tires were good , and I was not turning or braking . It just took a notion and turned around all of a sudden . It was just luck that no one was coming right then . To top it off , the long muddy driveway has this gate . A heavy , wooden gate that drags on the ground . It is all I can do to lift it up and drag it open and closed every single time we leave or come home . In the rain , in the dark , whatever . I hate that gate . It signifies everything that is difficult about my life . And heaven forbid if I was to forget to close the gate and the cows got out . The kitchen sink and the bathtub both had drains leading outside onto the ground . It was not a problem since we didn 't use that much water and never dumped anything bad down the drain . The weeds grew just fine in the runoff and it wasn 't anywhere near the creek . After we had lived there for a few months though , I really wanted to install an electric water heater to make our lives easier . The kids had school and I had work to go to everyday and heating up water takes time . When I asked Baylor about it he wanted to know why I needed it . I told him it wouldn 't cost much and would be an improvement to the house that anyone would appreciate . " Sure you can , " I said . " As long as the spring keeps flowing it won 't be a problem . You don 't need a pump , just water . We have that . " " Look , Baylor , I can set up a second tank below the first spring box and only pull off of that . The cows can keep the first tank and it will stay full . I 'll go up and check it regular to make sure . All I need is a water heater and one extra stock tank . I can buy them if you you 'll put it towards the rent , since it is an improvement to your rental . When I go back to my place , the next renter will appreciate it . You might even get more rent . " So Baylor allowed me to install the heater , and boy , do we like having hot running water again . We still take the laundry into town to wash but washing dishes and taking baths is so much easier . There has been no problem with it at all . Baylor was impressed . He just didn 't realize it could be done . My rent is $ 65 a month and the water heater cost $ 130 . 00 and I got a stock tank for free so I did not pay the rent for two months . When we first moved in to Owl Hollow , I was thinking it would be too small to set my weaving loom and treadle sewing machine up but I managed to fit them in the living room under the stairs . There was even a window there for light . So I was able to do my sewing and weaving and sold a few pieces now and then . Mostly through my mother down in Florida , who got her friends to order shawls and such . I made some place mats and napkins for my sisters ' wedding present and donated a shawl for the nursery school 's fundraiser . I made a lot of my kids clothes , or we traded hand me downs with friends who had bigger kids . I only had a few chickens so eggs were only enough for us . I left most of them back with my ex where we had a nice big chicken house . To earn a living , I was working three jobs . The main job was as head cook at the Monroe Institute for Applied Science , about twelve miles away in Faber . Sounds impressive , right ? It was a very strange place , a conference center and training center for " out of body experiences " , but the people who attended were all really nice and I met folks from all over the world . I even met Helen Nearing , who along with her then deceased husband Scott , had written the classic homesteading book , " Living the Good Life " . She was great and had come to the institute to see if she could come to terms with Scott 's death , which I believe she did . When people came to the Institute , many arrived by plane and were shuttled out forty five miles to the farm in Nelson County , and they stayed for six days . They ate , slept and did all their training at the site , usually thirty people at a time . I fed them lunch and dinner and had another cook who did breakfast . We had four women who did all the cleanup and maid duties . I was paid about $ 400 . 00 a session and was happy with the work . I even managed to sell a lot of my own produce through there , sweet corn , green beans and fresh tomatoes . The menu was usually vegetarian and I adjusted it according to whatever produce was available . I also shopped at the Blue Mountain Health Foods up in Charlottesville , the regular Kroger 's grocery store as well as ordering some stuff from a commercial distributor . I have always been thrifty and saved the Institute lots of money each month and knew I was lucky to have such a good job so close to home . The other jobs I was doing were more sporadic . I taught basket weaving classes up on the mountain at Wintergreen resort about once a month . I bought the materials , dyed them in pots at home and gave lessons to twelve people each session , who all left with a completely finished egg basket . This paid for my car insurance . I got free babysitting and the kids got free ski lessons too . Another job I did was the final cleaning up on new construction sites . I bought a Sears 12 gallon shop vac for $ 85 and vacuumed all the floors , peeled off all the stickers and washed all the windows , cleaned up the debris in the yard and removed the trash . Sometimes I helped sand drywall as well . I also cleaned condo 's up on the mountain with a couple who , Tom and Phillipa Proulx , who had a rental company up there . They were a lot of fun to work for and we never had to buy soap at home since we brought home the partially used bars . The reason I had to work so many jobs was that my ex had walked out on a loan that my land was used as collateral on . Against my better judgement , he and the neighbor up the hill had bought a tractor together to bush hog and grade the road with . He got the tractor , I got the bill . Actually he walked out on a loan from my mother as well . Her loan enabled us to drill a well and put in a septic field . I managed to pay off all my loans so I got to keep my land and cleared the title again . During our time up Owl Hollow there were a couple of interesting events . Luckily they did involve any haunting , although people had warned me about that . One night I was asleep out on my futon when I felt something running around on my bed . It ran right up the blanket from the foot of the bed , and I don 't know how I did it , but I grabbed it as it ran by . I was instantly awake and had to jump up and turn on a light to see what the furry thing was in my hand . I don 't know why it didn 't bite me . I think it was as shocked as I was . It turned out to be a flying squirrel ! He had the biggest dark eyes and was really cute . I quickly put him in a half gallon canning jar and took him upstairs to show the kids . Of course , they were all sound asleep , but they needed to see this . It was the first time I had ever even seen one and I was really glad it was a flying squirrel and not a rat . I had heard something scrambling around in the walls for awhile and figured it was rats , which I loathe . I was happy to find out it was a flying squirrel instead . Of course the kids wanted to keep him as a pet , but after we had all checked him out , I took him outside and let him go , telling him , " OK now . I am glad you are a squirrel and I don 't mind you living in the walls , but please do not come inside anymore . OK ? Got it ? " Another time , I woke up to little scratching noises on my pillow . Feather pillows tend to amplify sound . Have you noticed ? Even your own heartbeat can sound loud in your ears if you lay your head just right . So I heard this weird sound and reached over to the lamp and turned on the light . There were a million tiny honeybees walking across my pillow ! They were marching in a line about five bees across coming in from a little hole in the wall , walking across my pillow , and marching on down to the end of the bed , down onto the floor , and over to the screen door , and right through the crack in the bottom to the outside . It was the strangest thing . None of them stung me . They totally ignored me and seemed to be on a mission to somewhere . I have no idea why they were walking in the middle of the night . I thought bees slept at night . Why didn 't they wait till morning and just fly wherever they were going ? I sat there and watched them go and told them , " OK , bees . I do not have a problem with you living in the walls . That is fine with me . However , you cannot be coming into the house and walking across my pillow I the middle of the night ! Please , just stay on your side of the wall and come and go through the outside wall , OK ? I won 't hurt you if you 'll just do that . If you come inside and sting my kids though , we 'll have problems . " So , they must have listened because they never did come inside again . I heard later though , that the renter after me tore off the siding , retrieved the honey and moved the bees to a hive . Apparently , there was a lot of honey in there . It was a pretty hospitable house for critters . Robin on the Tire Swong The third memorable incident happened when the three were sledding down the hill one day . The snow wasn 't very deep , maybe six inches , but the grass in the cow pasture was clumpy and taller than that so the sled runners kept snagging on the grass . Carina , who was the biggest sat in back and Robin , who was only two , sat in the front as they slid down the hill . As near as I can figure , Robins boot got caught up in some of the long grass . They all three came into the house , Robin crying and being carried by her big sister . After they all got out of their snow suits and had some hot chocolate everybody seemed fine . The next day , Robin was fine sitting on the floor , playing , but she would not get up and walk at all . When I tried to move her she screamed . I could not see anything wrong , no bruises or swelling anywhere , so I left her alone to play . The next day she was no better so I took her to the blue Ridge Medical Center , which was nearby , out on the four lane . They took an x - ray of her ankle and it looked fine . I suggested maybe the problem was further up her shin , so they took another . Thank goodness they had a sliding scale fee system . We did not have any insurance . The second x - ray showed a crack running the length of her shin bone so we finally knew what the problem was . They put a half cast on her , kind of a metal splint wrapped with padding and elastic bandages . Now she couldn 't walk at all and boy did I feel guilty for not bringing her in sooner . The payback was quick in coming , of course . Now that winter had set in the lane into Owl Hollow was too snowy and slippery to drive on , so for the next six weeks I had to carry her in and out . It was really hard to get her in the back pack too . Grace and Carina had to help me pull groceries and laundry in and out with a sled the rest of the winter . Robin healed quickly and didn 't seem to mind not getting around all that much . Gracie on the Tire Swing Except for the dealings with my ex , things were going pretty well . Mary and Baylor were OK as landlords . They let me work off the rent once in awhile . I painted their two story tall grey hallway up in the main farmhouse grey , again . That was boring . They did try and tell me that I needed to stay home more and they tried to get me to phone them each time I headed out , but I set them straight on that pretty quick . I was a grown woman with jobs and responsibilities and I needed to come and go whenever . The two younger kids , Grace and Robin , went to their Dad 's every other week , and we did a weekly switch over . You might think that was terrible on the kids , but actually they seemed to adapt pretty well . I did my best to be civil whenever I had to deal with him and tried not to let the kids get too caught up in our drama . Sometimes he would make poor decisions about girl friends and I had to grit my teeth and hope the kids would be fine . I did have some dreams where he came after me though , and I actually managed to fend him off with a bush axe in one of them . Cut him into little pieces . That was satisfying . Good thing it was only a dream though . All three of my daughters have managed to graduate college , get good paying jobs , and are settled in nicely with good husbands and kids of their own . Our Trailer House The girls and I lived in Owl Hollow for about a year and a half , and my ex finally decided to move into a place of his own elsewhere in the county . I bought an old abandoned house trailer and had it set up on my land , where I had a well and septic all ready for it . After a whole lot of work we ended up with three bedrooms , two bathrooms with indoor everything , and our own space back . I had to rewire and re - plumb the trailer and we had some trouble meeting the inspection requirements of the electric company and the county inspector , so we had to live without power through the first winter , but we managed . It has made us appreciate what we have today . For about a year and a half , in the eighties , I lived down the road from my place , in Owl Hollow . It was the cutest little house in the back of the Thackers farm . I had to get out and open and close the gate each time I came through the lane , to keep the cows in . The drive was about a third of a mile long and in the winter , my VW bus tended to be parked out by the road , and we walked in . There was only one bedroom , up in the attic , and the three girls shared that . I divided it up with a fabric and two by four wall so my older daughter could have a modicum of privacy from the two little ones . I slept out on the screened in porch on a futon on the floor . When it got cold , I installed insulation and plastic to keep it warmer . The woodstove was in the tiny living room and I kept the window into that room open for the heat . I don 't know how I managed to fit it all in , but I had my weaving loom , treadle sewing machine , and an armchair in there . The kitchen held a sink with gravity fed cold water , an old fifties style refrigerator , a gas cookstove and the kitchen table . I also had my big shelf of canning jars and the China cabinet ( turned sideboard ) I helped my Dad build when I was a kid in there too . It was pretty tight but homey . There were two tiny little sheds coming off the kitchen . One had a short iron bath tub in it and we kept a pee pot in there . The other was the mudroom entrance with the chest freezer in it and a flap cut into the screend door for the dogs to come and go through . I 'll bet the whole house measured less than 500 square feet . It was simple and really cheap . Rent was $ 65 . 00 a month , electric was maybe $ 30 dollars and the phone was like $ 25 . I was able to work off the rent by helping the landlord with chores sometimes . I painted the walls up at his house on the hill , mucked out the barn , repaired fence , chased cows , cut firewood . I finally managed to convince them to let me install a hot water heater . They were sure it wouldn 't work on a gravity fed line and the cows got first dibs on the waThe critters who lived in the hollow with us shared the space freely . Cows would wander right up to the door . Skunks and raccoons came in the dog door into the mudroom . Something lived in the walls and I was hoping it was not rats . One night , while asleep out on my futon , I felt something run right up the covers on top of me . I was not really thinking , being asleep , and I just grabbed at it , fast like . It was warm and furry and definitely alive . I jumped up , grabbed the empty water glass , pushed it inside , and turned on the light to check it out . I had never seen one before , but I was pretty sure it was a flying squirrel ! The poor thing was as startled as I was . He didn 't bite me though . I got a half gallon wide mouth jar from the kitchen , rigged up a screen lid for it and went to wake up the kids . I was so relieved we didn 't have rats . I hate rats . Flying squirrels , on the other hand , are cool . He had the biggest round eyes , although he was smallish in size . The kids were good sports about being woke up and after we all had a good look at him , they went back to bed . I took him outside and asked him , He was quiet but I think he got it . It never happened again and when I heard them in the walls at night , it no longer bothered me . Now that I knew who it was . I was woken on another night by a scritching sound on my pillow . I could not imagine what it was but it was constant and it seemed loud to me . I got up turned on the light , and looked back at my pillow . There were hundreds of honeybees walking across my pillow ! Not flying . Not buzzing . Hundreds of tiny feet , walking across my pillow . They were all headed in the same direction and seemed to not notice what was in their way . I st down cross legged on my bed and watched them for awhile . It was very strange for them to be up at night I thought . And strange to be walking , not flying . Quiet too . I decided to have a conversation with them in the same quiet way . I sent my thoughts to them . I asked them , " Please , do not walk across my pillow or come inside the house anymore . I don 't mind sharing the house with you , but you need to stay in the walls and use an entrance on the outside . Please don 't sting the kids or scare them and you can stay right where you live now . I don 't want to hurt you . I can 't have you walking around on my pillow though . Please ? " The bees kept marching . I opened the door to the outside for them and they left . I closed the door , went back to bed , a little nervous about noises on my pillow . In the morning , I put my ear against the wall and could hear them working inside , but they never came inside the house after that . I appreciated their cooperation . Bees are usually fairly calm and docile if you treat them right . They have work to do and like to be left alone to do it . I think of them fondly these days while I tend to my bees at home . Coming home one day , while living up in Freshwater Cove , I crossed the low water bridge and saw a critter in the creek . I stopped and watched as a beaver played around in the water . Hmmm . Two days later there were two up at the pond . They started cutting down trees and dropping them in the water . It took them only two days to gnaw through a Tulip popular that was probably 24 inches in diameter . We started to worry about all the trees on the North slope of the pond . A lodge was built pretty fast and then the tree cutting slowed up . Winter came and went . In Spring , cutting began again and baby beavers emerged . It drove the dogs crazy , seeing those beavers swimming around out there in the middle of their pond . Geshen attempted to outswim them a couple of times , but a dog is no match for a beaver in the water . They would circle around the dogs , making them turn and turn , and eventually exhausting them . I had to go out in the canoe and bring Gesh in before she drowned . She would not give up . When I got her back to shore she lay heaving and gasping on the shore for a good while afterwards . When the water got warm enough for us to go swimming , the beavers were still there . I could get within about three feet of them if I swam quiet with my eyes right at water level . It was kind of cool to swim with the beavers . Then they started expanding their universe . They built a dam right next to the driveway where the feeder creek came in . The water rose and then started swamping the road out . It was getting really mushy and muddy to drive through . Jimi tore the dam down numerous times but they kept building it right back where it was . He even had a backhoe come in a dredge the creek back out to clear it . We would find him down there , waiting with a gun , daring them to rebuild it . They just waited until he went to bed . Unfortunately , the dogs didn 't get the same message , or not in the right way . Before the beavers had managed to get their new dam finished , and a protective pool around them in the process , Gesh and Poss had ganged up on them and taken them out . They were trying to be good dogs . I felt bad for the beavers but at least the trees were safe again . The rest of the beaver family moved on out shortly thereafter . We didn 't see them again . WordPress . org Copywrite Notice © Wendy lee Maddox and edgewisewoods . com , 2014 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Wendy lee Maddox and edgewisewoods . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .

When her foster father the shadow walker Haidar dies seventeen year old Mashu goes in search of her twin brother who left two years earlier . Her brother Sinanna is also a shadow walker though she is not a shadow walker . Through demons and giants and trolls and a white wolf she finds her brother and learns that he needs her help to save the world . Reads : 458 When her foster father the shadow walker Haidar dies seventeen year old Mashu goes in search of her twin brother who left two years earlier . Her brother Sinanna is also a shadow walker though she is not a shadow walker . Through demons and giants and trolls and a white wolf she finds her brother and learns that he needs her help to save the world . then she had been grieving for him the last few months as Haidar 's health had slowly failed . He was not related to her by blood , but he had been the only parent she had ever known . She looked at his face , which now seemed peaceful . It was hard to tell how old he was . His hair was white . But it had been that color all his life , as his skin had been white and his eyes light blue . Only the wrinkles on his face indicated his age , and even they seemed to have relaxed with his death . It was the lack of color in his skin and hair that identified him cottage . She quickly sorted through the things that she needed to do in her mind before she performed any action . Slowly she reached out and pulled the blanket over the old man 's face . She could hear the spy stepping off the bucket to go tell his master about the death . She knew she only had a few minutes to act . almost a year . She slipped the originals into a pouch and carried them to the trap door in the floor by the fireplace . The trap door would have been invisible to most , but she knew it was there . She opened it to reveal a ladder that led down into darkness . She hung the pouch on the top of the ladder and closed the trap door securely . Moving to the chest by the through the door . Burgher was the mayor of the town . He was shorter than she was , his rotund body making him look almost comical . He would have been a comical figure if it had not unfold in her hands so he could see what it was . Recognizing the gown for what it was , he didn 't apologize or even acknowledge that he had accused her falsely . He merely grunted and walked over and picked it up . He shook it to hear the satisfying sound of coins . He removed the top and dumped out the contents , onto the small table that stood next to the old man 's deathbed . Out came the money , quite a few copper pieces and even some silver pieces . Mashu knew that it would not be enough to satisfy Burgher 's nod . They moved through the room , knocking things over and breaking anything they could . After a few minutes of mayhem , Burgher nodded to one of the men . The man walked straight over to the fireplace and removed the loose stone . Reaching into the cavity behind it , he pulled out a leather pouch . He set the small table back up and poured out the contents of the pouch . Everyone 's eyes were on the table as more coins came out . Along with quite a few gold and silver coins were several gems of various colors . Mashu pretended to be conversation for the benefit of the person listening at the window . She was glad it appeared they had guessed right . Her relief quickly disappeared as she saw how Burgher was looking at late bloomer , she had only filled out in the last year . She was seventeen , and most of the girls in the town were married and had children by her age . Her brown hair was cut short to keep it out of her way . Her hands were calloused from the hard work she did keeping the cottage up . Not only was she a late bloomer , but she was tall for a woman . She looked down on Burgher , who was shorter than most men . But she knew it was not her looks that he craved , but the power he thought he could have over her . He seemed always to want more power . And the way he liked to show his power was to force people to do things that he knew they didn 't want to do . She didn 't want to fall under his control . She had no doubt she could kill while the other bullies wandered around and broke anything that they had missed earlier . She noticed that no one went near the body . She looked at the floor , forcing herself to control her temper . She wanted to take a stick and chase all of them out of the cottage . There was something about the presence of Burgher , which always seemed to bring her anger to an edge . himself with a gang of bullies , and had begun terrorizing the town . He raised taxes and began to act as though he was part of the royal family . He could not tax a shadow walker , though he tried to find a way around that law . Since he couldn 't get any money from Haidar , he began to ignore the shadow walker . The old man had always been welcome in his father 's house . The former mayor had made sure that no one cheated the old man , and the cottage was always kept in good repair . Under Burgher , the cottage fell into disrepair , and people began to show disrespect for the old man . When they paid with moldy grain , or did not pay at all , for the old man 's potions and spells , Burgher did nothing . When things were stolen from the never enough to drown the land . However , in those days , people would often stop to visit with Haidar , bringing presents and food even if they owed him nothing . Since Burgher had taken over , the respect had ended and the neglect had begun . With Haidar ill , the weather no longer cooperated , and less crops were harvested each year . Many people had died of hunger the last winter . Others had abandoned the town and moved to find somewhere where things were better . The ones who had stayed had not been able pay the high taxes that Burgher demanded , so his funds went down and he had raised taxes even more . Things were bad now , but she could see that they were going to get worse . She did not want to be around when that happened . But if she was going to get away , it would mean playing the game with Burgher just right , and say . " I must find a shady spot , dig the hole , carry the shadow walker to the hole , fill it in , say the proper prayers , then mourn for three days and nights . I believe that is everything Mashu followed the men out of the cottage . She had to stop for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight . As Burgher and his men headed for the town hall , she went to the shed on the side of the cottage and picked up a shovel . She then started through town to the woods beyond . On her way off , before the woman could ask any questions . She let the woman think about what she just said . She knew that word of her conversation would soon be all over town . That should keep nosy people out of the cottage until she could get out of town . Once she entered the woods , she could tell how different it was from the town . She sometimes forgot how bad the village smelled until she was away from it . The fresh spring smells of the plants around her were refreshing . Mashu had not been in the woods very long , when she noticed that someone was following her . It was not hard to get a look at the man and realize that it was one of Burgher 's boys . He must have thought she would run away instead of burying the old man . Since she knew these woods very well , and she doubted her follower had ever been deeper than the edge , she could have lost the man very easily . But that would have raised an alarm , and it was too early for that . She knew she could not afford to have him follow her either . understand . Living seventeen years with a shadow walker , it was not surprising she had learned a little magic along the way . She had learned years before that music made magic stronger for her , so she sang as she concentrated on the spell . The shadow walker never sang his spells ; he would chant , or sometimes only mutter , but for her , music brought the magic out . The man was no longer following her . Stopping for a few moments , and giving the man a chance to catch up , she continued to sing . Slowly making her way back to the last place she had seen the man , she continued to sing . The man sat with his back against a tree sound asleep . Singing a few more verses , she made sure he would not wake up soon . alone , she changed her direction and headed for the lake . She followed the edge of the lake until she found the stream she was looking for . Half a mile up the stream , she turned up a little hill on the right and found the cave . Covered by bushes and vines , the entrance to the cave would not have been noticed by anyone who didn 't know it was there . Slipping easily through the brush into the cave , she entered without disturbing anything . The shovel was put down just inside the entrance . Some torches , left on a stone shelf near the entrance , provided her with a source of light . Near the torches was a tinderbox . It took a few moments to get a torch lit . The light it gave off did not show much of the interior of the cave , but it was enough to let her pick up a second torch and walk deeper into the cavern . In a few minutes , she reached what appeared to be a dead end . Quickly finding a small hole in the wall , the unlit torch was pushed in until it met resistance . Pushing harder , the resistance slowly gave way . With the lock undone , the rock wall pivoted easily with a push . Pulling the unlit torch from the hole , she walked through the opening left by the pivoting wall . She used the torch to light four candles that were on a table in the center of the room . Putting out the torch , she pushed the wall back into its original position . She then reset the lock from the inside . The candles on the table in the center of the room gave off more light than the torch had . She looked around the room that had been carved from the rock by centuries of slow movement of water through it . The water was long gone , but the room remained . It was larger than any room in the cottage ; it was almost as large as the cottage itself . Wooden chests lined the walls around the room . A ladder in the back of the room led to the ceiling . Climbing the ladder , she found the pouch with the necklace and ring she had left earlier in the day . She listened carefully at the trapdoor above her . Hearing nothing , she climbed down and placed the pouch on the table . She picked up a dummy made of cloth and stuffed with straw that was lying on top of one of the chest , near the ladder . Picking up a rope , she once again climbed the ladder , carrying the dummy and the rope . Listening once more , before she carefully opened the trap she climbed into the room with the straw dummy . Once alone in the cottage , she went to the window and peeked out . No one was around so she went to where the shadow walker lay . Looking him over , she could see that the fake necklace and ring were gone . Burgher must have had one of his men come for it as soon as she was out of town . This was good because now she did not have to worry about someone coming back to get the jewelry . Removing the blanket that covered the old man , she set it aside and gently folded the sheet beneath him so that it formed a cocoon around the body . Taking her time , she tied looked the room over carefully . Satisfied , she picked up a few items of food before she returned to the trap door . Stepping down onto the ladder , she carefully closed the trap door . Reaching the floor , she carefully picked the old man up and placed him gently on one of the chests . She stopped long enough to eat a little bread and cheese before she walker out into the cave . Closing the wall , she locked it again using the unlit torch . She carried the old man to the opening of the cave . Putting out the torch , she placed it near the tinderbox . She carefully peeked out through the brush to make sure no one was waiting outside the cave . Gently lifting the old man , she carefully made her way through the brush into the sunshine . Cradling the body in her arms , she started through the woods . Her destination was over a mile away , uphill most of the way . Even though the old man was light , it still should have been a struggle . She did not even notice . The woods were beautiful , the birds were singing , spring was just beginning to show itself . She did not notice . Her mind was on other things . The old man was the only parent she had ever known . She had been brought to him with her twin brother when they were only days old . It had been many years before she discovered the reason human child and which was the demon . Sometimes it was easy . If a girl and a boy were born together , obviously the girl was the demon because no mere girl could stand up to a male demon and survive . If one child was noticeably smaller or weaker than the other child , it was the demon , because only strong humans could survive against a demon . If brother was a shadow walker . Shadow walkers , those of the pale skin and white hair , were not people . They were demons , good demons sent to earth to help people . Since her brother was a demon , she had to be human . But what type of girl could stand up to a male demon , especially a shadow walker ? Her parents did not know what to do with her , so when her brother was sent to Haidar , the shadow walker to be trained , she was sent with him . She did not know who her real parents were , nor did she care . They had given her up in fear , and now the only family she told her . But Haidar she remembered . She remembered him as a teacher . Though it was her brother that he was supposed to be training , if she showed any interest in something , he would find the time and the patience to teach her . If it were something that the old man couldn 't teach , he would find someone to teach her . There was the blacksmith who taught her to a grave she had dug months before . She had been back to clean it out a few times since then . Now it waited for the old man 's body . Gently she lowered him into the hole . As she stood there , she could hear the sound of the wind pushing its way through the leaves of the tree above her . Standing there , looking at the body that lay in the bottom of the hole , tears began to fill her eyes . She tried , but could not stop them . She stood there crying like a child . She had thought that she had gotten all the grief out of her system over the last year , as she had tended to the old man as his condition became worse . Sobs racked her body . She didn 't know how long the crying went on , but finally the tears dried up leaving her feeling empty , but somehow better . She looked down at the small body wrapped in the sheet at the bottom of the grave . She knew that the old man was no longer in that body . He had gone on to another place . All that was left was the form . But she knew that the old man was not a demon ; he was very human , with all the frailties and shortcomings that being human entailed . When the ceremonial duties were complete , she looked down at the body at the bottom of the hole and quietly said her own goodbye to the only parent she had known . She took a deep breath and began to sing . As the song rose from her lips , a pile of dirt near the hole began to move . Slowly , bit by bit , it began to fill the hole . It did not take long before the hole was full and the dirt settled . Continuing to sing , she changed the song , both in words and music . Seeds that were in the soil that had filled the hole began to sprout and grow . Little blades of grass and sprouts of other plants began to force themselves up through the loose soil . She had to stop before she wanted to , because the magic had taken so much out of her . She stood there , trying to gain back some energy . The growth wasn 't as far along as she wanted , but she could do no more . In a few weeks , nature would finish it ; no one would be able to tell that a grave stood at this place . The old man 's body would return to the earth from where it had come . Looking at the sun and realizing it was late afternoon , she knew that she needed to get back to the village . She took a deep breath and forced herself to move . Her body was drained from the magic , but she knew she did not have enough time to rest . She walked slowly back to the cave . Picking up the shovel , she made her way through the woods toward the village . When she neared the spot where she had left the man sleeping , she slowed down . She moved to a spot where she could see if he was still where she had left him . He had slipped from his spot against the tree , and was curled up on the ground , but he was still sound asleep . She began singing loudly . She watched him from a distance . She could see the confusion on his face . The confusion was replaced with fear . He must have been thinking about Burgher . Finally , relief came as he realized that he could still hear her singing . She waited until he pinpointed the direction of her voice and confusion again reigned on his face . The singing was on the wrong side of him . She started walking back to town , it wouldn 't take him long to figure out he had slept all day . If Burgher found out the man would be in trouble . She doubted he would the shed in the back , where she had slept since she had started becoming a woman . She didn 't know if she was being watched , but she acted as if she was . She prepared herself a small meal over the hearth at the end of the shed . Opening the door , she let in some daylight , as there were no windows in the shed . Using the light , she mended some clothes . As in the woods . Slowly removing the blanket that she had slept under , she felt the chill of the spring night , even though she was fully dressed . She rolled quietly out of bed and crawled over to a small door that was hidden in the wall of her shed . She didn 't light a candle , even though she doubted anyone else would be awake this late . Once she reached the door , she stopped and listened again . Hearing nothing , she slipped through . Once outside , she could feel the wind that added to the cold . She stopped next to the woodpile she had kept full during the winter . Without a sound , she worked her way along the woodpile by the light of the quarter moon . When she reached the back door of the cottage , she again stopped and listened . Hearing no sound on the other side , she opened the door , and slipped into the darkness . She eased the door shut and crawled through the back room to the trapdoor . Opening the trapdoor quietly she climbed onto the ladder and closed it behind her . When she reached the bottom of the ladder , she felt along the wall until her hand closed upon a candle . She didn 't bother to look for the flint and steel she knew was nearby . Instead , she held the candle up and sang softly . She could smell the wick of the candle smoldering before she could see it . Slowly it began to glow red and then it burst into flame . Though it had been one of the first spells she had learned , it still fascinated her each time it worked . She took the lit candle and easily found a few more , which she carried over to the table and lit with the candle she was holding . She then began to pack . She would be able to take only a few things with her , just what she could carry on her back while walking all day . She was a strong woman who worked hard every day , but she could only carry a few important items . She would have liked to take all the books but she chose two small ones . The rest she carefully wrapped and placed them in a large wooden chest . She packed a few cooking items and as much food as she thought she could carry . Finally , two changes around her waist like a belt . Her bow was put in a leather case , to protect it from moisture . She went through the herbs and minerals that were stored in the chest that sat in the corner of appropriate symbol , which would let her know what the pouch contained . Some of the pouches were put in her pack and some in the inside pockets of her cloak . She also placed a small her clothes . The items she couldn 't take were carefully wrapped in oilskin and packed away . She hoped to return for them someday . Finally , everything was packed , either to go with her or to stay in the cave . The candles were burning low , and she knew she needed to get back to her bed . Extinguishing all but one of the candles , she walked over to the ladder . Blowing the candle out , she placed it on a shelf nearby . In the dark , she carefully climbed the ladder to the trapdoor above . When she reached the door , she stopped and listened . She froze . She could hear someone moving around in the cottage . She put her head close to the trapdoor to listen , trying to figure out before they discovered that she was gone . If they found her missing , she was sure that Burgher would send out searchers looking for her . She wanted to be a long way from the village formed a picture of the shadow walker in her mind as she sang . She remembered him when she had disobeyed him , the scowl on his face , and the anger in his eyes . Concentrating on the image , she sang her spell softly . She wondered if her spell was working . Suddenly she heard a yelp from one of the men , followed by the sound of running feet on the floor above her . She heard the cottage door banging open . Knowing that time was short , she stopped singing and pushed the trapdoor open a little . She peeked around the room and saw no one . Climbing through the door , she looked around again . She saw what had frightened the men . It was a translucent image of the shadow walker floating on the wall behind the trap door . The image was fading since she no longer sang , but it was still clear enough for her to tell it was the one she had pictured in her mind . She quickly fastened the trap door and made her way to the back door of the cottage . She peeked out to see if anyone waited out back . Seeing no one , she slipped through the door into the cold gray dawn . She reached the shed and was about to go in when she heard approaching footsteps . Realizing that there was no way she could get inside without being seen she turned to face the approaching people . It was two of Burgher 's men carrying torches . " What are you doing out here ? " one of the men asked . " Huh , what did he say ? " the man asked , trying to conceal a shake in his voice and not doing a very good job of it . Burgher come back and get me when he reached the other side . I 'm not going in there again until it is time to get his body to put it in the ground . And I am never going in there after that , and awakened by the noise . The day was starting , and she made herself a small breakfast and packed herself a lunch before she went out into the crisp , spring air . Picking up the shovel , she " Ghost ? " Mashu said , letting her voice tremble for effect . " I heard a noise , and came out to see what was going on . Some men went straight to the cave . Once inside she lit a candle and made herself a pallet so she could get some rest after being up most of the night . It didn 't take her long to fall asleep . passed . Gathering up the food she had brought for lunch , she left the cave and went down to the banks of the stream . It was still early enough in the spring so the bugs were not too bad yet . After she ate , she found a spot with plenty of open dirt and made sure her clothes looked like she had been digging a grave all day . She spent a little while just looking at the water flowing through the pebbles and let herself relax . She then picked up the shovel , put it over her shoulder , and headed toward town . By the time she reached the village , the sun was nearing the horizon . Suspecting that she was being watched , she went straight to her shed . There she ate a little meal , did some mending , inconspicuously packed a small bag and went to door of the shed . It wasn 't long before she found herself in the cottage . She carefully crawled over to the trapdoor and quietly opened it . She then crawled along the floor to the bed . Pulling back the blanket , she took the straw dummy from the bed . She laid the funeral gown on the bed as if someone had disappeared while wearing it . She then covered it with the blanket . Next , she dragged the dummy over to the trapdoor where she dropped it into the opening . Her bag went down next . She climbed onto the ladder and shut the trapdoor behind her . She made sure that it was closed securely , and climbed down to the floor . Before she lit a candle , she began to sing the words the old man had taught her . About the third time through , she could feel that the job was done . She also had no energy left . She found the tinderbox and used it to light a candle , because she didn 't feel up to using magic . Once it was lit , she looked up only to see a stone ceiling above her . She knew that if the trapdoor in the cottage was opened , only dirt would be found beneath . She put her small bag into her travel pack she had set up the night before . She was fatigued from the magic , but she knew she had to make the best use of the time she had . With one last look , she left the cave . Once outside , she followed the trails she knew , toward the river . She thought about visiting the shadow walker 's grave , but a voice in the wind told her to keep moving . Moving along the river in the fresh night air seemed to give her energy ; she was glad to be leaving the village behind her . The only two things in the village she had ever cared

Mid week this past week we met with Jessica and Dawn from hospice and I couldn 't stop crying . It was the first time they came to see us at the house since she passed and it was as if every wall I 'd carefully built to hold myself together just crumbled . I 'm glad that we saw them though , it was good to see them . They told us that our pediatrician has asked the head of perinatal - hospice to speak at a conference of family practice doctors . It 's good to know the existence of the program is being spread so that others can be helped by HoM . The last few days have been rough for me . I 'm not handling it well . Both of them could see that , I couldn 't keep the curtain up to hide it in front of them . I can hold it together for work , I can put on the good show , most of the time . It 's not a good distraction any longer though . There are times it 's unbearable to be in the office . Getting up , getting dressed , brushing my teeth seem pointless . But , I have a family that depends on me , and two mortgages to pay . So I get up . I brush my teeth . I go into the office . I hate it . I look at pictures of her … and I can feel her in my arms . I can feel her weight , the softness of the blankets , her smell , her sounds . No matter how much it hurts though , no matter how much I want her back I won 't get her back . I think that many of us hope that when we pass our loved ones with be standing there , waiting . They 'll hug us , love us , and walk us into heaven . For a long time I 've hoped my mother will be waiting for me . I 'm not hoping for that anymore . I 'm not even praying for it . I 'm not afraid of death . I 'm not even concerned with the pain of dying anymore . I 'm praying that God will put me back there , back to February 4th , 2012 . I 'm praying that he 'll put me there , so that when she dies I 'm waiting for her . I 'm there to pick her up out of my own arms . I don 't want her to be afraid . I want her to open her eyes in the afterlife and I 'm smiling , arms open , and will carry her in my arms into the next life . It 'll be like she fell asleep and awoke in the most beautiful and comforting dream with me still holding her . At that time I was pregnant with Aden . I was wonderfully , blissfully unaware of his diagnoses . I was 26 years old . My triple or quad screen ( can 't remember what I had done ) came back just fine . We came out of our 20 week ultrasound knowing we were having a boy and they had seen dilated kidneys . We were told not to worry . It was a common thing and they would just do another ultrasound in a few weeks . I don 't remember doing any research on what that meant . Remember - blissfully unaware that problems could occur . When they did another ultrasound the dilated kidneys were gone but one of his arms measured smaller than the other . What ? ? The family physician / OB said he was probably laying on that arm and they didn 't get a good measurement . Still , blissfully unaware . One Saturday we went shopping for baby things at Meijer because they were having one of their " Super Saturday " sales . We went to a Meijer that was not our " regular " store . I remember standing in the rather long checkout line twiddling my thumbs . I think I was 7 or 8 months pregnant so my condition was rather obvious . There was a woman in front of us who looked a bit frazzled , tired , buying school supplies and other misc things . She looked at me for a moment and then asked if we were having a boy or a girl . Then she told me about her kids - an older girl and a younger boy who had Down Syndrome . I said to her " I 'm so sorry " ( which I now know is something you DON ' T say when someone tells you that . ) She talked about how hard it was , how she quit her business to stay home with him , how money was tight . We talked a bit more and then it was her turn to checkout so she wished us well , got through the checkout , grabbed her things , smiled at us and left . I would not remember her or this story until after Aden was born . And then I would never forget her , wanting to go back and tell her she was not alone . The day Aden was born I could arguably say was one of the worst days of my life - much like August 10th was with Alexandria . It was diagnosis day and his birth day all in one . Doug pulled the Dr aside and said " He has Down Syndrome doesn 't he . " She wasn 't sure because in true unique Aden fashion he tried to stand up when they weighed him . He then failed his hearing test . I spent days in the hospital bed , holding Aden who seemed suddenly like some alien being rather than my flesh and blood , and sobbing my eyes out . I remember hearing Aero - Med landing on the roof and thinking to myself - perspective . . remember , someone else has it worse than you right now . The hospital social worker came in and all I could talk about was how all our dreams were shattered . We couldn 't have anymore kids - what if they had this too ? That meant no future grand - kids . Our family would end here . And how in the world were we going to raise this child ? Think of all the problems he 'll have , how hard everything will be for him . For us . There would be no " empty nest " everyone talks about . We would have a perpetual child . We would never be alone again . Aden was born on a Sunday afternoon . Monday , another baby - a girl - was born also having Down Syndrome . Her parents knew ahead of time . How you might ask ? Because their 20 week ultrasound had shown a massive heart defect - something Aden was blessed not to have and also why his condition went undetected . They had a lot of preparation time and worry time , time to read up on Down Syndrome , time to talk to the Down Syndrome Association , time to meet other kids with Down Syndrome . They also had lots of time to stress over the fact that within hours of birth their daughter would need life saving open heart surgery . In their time of uncertainty they reached out to us and talked about how we needed time to absorb all this . I went home on Wednesday . I think they were afraid to send me home before that since I wasn 't handling things so well . Aden had jaundice and they wanted to keep him overnight still . When we went to pick him up the next day the nurses told us about another woman at the hospital that just had a baby . She and the nurses had been talking about how she had a 2 year old son with Down Syndrome and now just had his younger ( healthy ) brother . She agreed to meet us and talk about her story . We finally went to get Aden all packed up and ready to go home . I gave the nurse his special " going home " clothes to put on him . As she was dressing him she mentioned her then tween daughter had Down Syndrome . We bombarded her with questions as we had everyone else we 'd talked to . Her answers were different though . They seemed vague and had a hint of " we don 't think about her Down Syndrome much anymore . " I believe all these people were sent to us . The woman at Meijer was sent to prepare us , to plant the seed that things don 't always go as you think and life could be a struggle . The woman at the hospital who knew ahead of time was sent to give us a glimpse of how stressful things could have been had we known ahead of time and health issues we could have been dealing with . The woman with the 2 year old was sent to show us that some day maybe we too could reclaim the dream of a bigger family . ( Oddly enough , we figured out we had met her before as a customer a few months back at her antique store . ) The discharge nurse was sent to show us that this might all seem like a big scary deal right now but some day maybe it wouldn 't . What are the odds of all those people being at the hospital all at the same time as us ? By the way , the discharge nurse told us it was not her usual day to work . And that 's what He did for us . In the midst of our weakness , uncertainty and fear He sent us people to give us strength . It was quite an elaborate plan . I saw instances of that in our journey with Alexandria too . With Alex there are stories like us showing up at church and being told " You have to meet this couple that goes here . They went through this too . " Or the day we didn 't have anything to eat for lunch and were debating one of us leaving the house ( a scary thing in those first few days ) and a friend called to say she was having food delivered . Or my despair at realizing I 'd never bought her a " 1st Christmas " ornament but when I went out to the mailbox I discovered a friend had sent one to us . And all the emails , phone calls and visits all at times when we needed them most . ( On a side note , last Monday we showed up for a new session of Aden 's adaptive swimming lessons . There are always 2 kids per session . The other kid in our session turned out to be none other than the then 2 year old mentioned above . We had not seen his mother since Aden was 1 year old - we visited her antique store a few times after seeing her at the hospital but then lost contact . This was the first time they had ever been at this pool . I wonder why they have been sent to us this time ? ) People ask us all the time how we are doing . . with an " it must be so hard " look on their faces . I have to say , August 10th - the day she was diagnosed - was the hardest day for me on this whole journey , not February 4th when she passed away . One minute Doug and I were discussing girl names and how the family would change with a girl presence . The next , I remember sitting in the OB 's office with my mouth hanging open while she explained the things they 'd seen on ultrasound . I remember thinking " Oh my God . . this can 't be happening . " I remember Doug leaving the room for a moment ( to call my parents to get them here asap ) and me turning to her and saying " I don 't know if I can do this again . " I remember dry heaving … coughing … choking . When I finally had it together enough to go home , I remember being unable to go back through the waiting room where all the other pregnant women were sitting . We returned home without our kids ( who were being watched by a friend in our old neighborhood ) . As the van door closed , Doug called out to our neighbors to come quickly . He left to get the boys while they sat with me hugging me , holding me as I sobbed . Then there were the phone calls to family . My parents came to look after the boys while I stayed in bed unable to be a part of a world that was going on as if this horrible thing had never happened . Some mothers who carry babies with fatal diagnoses will tell you many times the diagnosis is more scary than the thought of losing their child . I think partly because it 's the day you find out the world as you know it is completely different than you hoped and dreamed for your child . It 's a day of complete unknown . By the time you get to your child 's death you 've had months of anticipation of that very day and it 's no longer the huge shock it was when you found out . I also think men and women have very different experiences . Women carry the baby in their bodies for the duration . You get to know your child in utero . There was not one second of one day that I could forget about Alex . She was with me all the time . Her diagnosis was with me all the time . There was no escaping or forgetting about it . Every kick , every hiccup . Every morning I 'd wake up and maybe for a split second I 'd think " We 're having a baby ! " and then came the realization of the nightmare we were in . With men , they really don 't bond or get to know the baby until birth . They go to work and get distracted . Maybe be able to forget about it for a while . It 's not living with them . I spent 4 1 / 2 months anticipating Alex 's death prior to her birth . The Drs kept saying she could die at any time . At first I didn 't want to hope for her to be born alive . It seemed impossible . There were 20 more weeks to go . Doug and I went in weekly for heartbeat checks and I held my breath waiting for the Dr to find it each time . I read story after story of women in the same situation who lost their babies after carrying them 22 , 28 , 32 , 36 , even 41 weeks . The closer we got to her due date the more I feared that my hope of her being alive would suddenly end - that she would be stillborn and I would never look into her eyes and have her hear how much I loved her . How much I wanted her . We finally made it to our induction day . Even then I knew the odds of her making it through birth were not the greatest . We listened to her heartbeat a couple times but ultimately decided not to have heart monitoring during the birth . We felt if she started to have trouble there would be a franticness to the birth , perhaps a sense of helplessness if we knew she was dying as she was coming out . When she did make her way into the world she opened her eyes wide and looked around in wonder . I don 't remember any of my other kids doing that . They placed her on me . She was not breathing . I had an awful feeling she would never take a breath . She would die like this , laying on me , looking up at me while I looked back , unable to help her . When miraculously ( and I do not use that word lightly here . . it WAS a miracle ) with no intervention , she started coughing and breathing at the word " Amen " after the Lord 's Prayer , I knew that every single day she was here would be a gift . In my mind she had died . The joy I experienced when she " came back to life " is indescribable . What I thought would be 5 minutes turned into 50 days I never thought we would have . I think about her life and sometimes I 'm sad at what we are missing but most of the time I smile . Contrast that with Doug , who expected her to be alive . He had a never - ending hope I did not have . I 'm glad he did . I needed to see that and subsequently develop hopes and dreams - " the bucket list " - for her . We needed to have memories and important events to look back on and cherish after she was gone . But now he is left mourning her because he didn 't have that time before she was born . It 's 4am and I am in such horrible pain . Overwhelming waves of grief , sadness … It 's difficult to think , like a massive thunderstorm and the sound of the rain is utterly deafening . I would give anything to feed her again . To be up just calming her down , holding her hand , playing with her toes . She loved sleeping right under my chin … I 'd shave a lot so it 'd be smooth and comfortable for her . I 'd lay on the couch all night and listen to her breathe . Rub her back when she 'd stop . Tell her about her mother and I . Tell her how glad I was that she decided to stay . How wonderful her blessing was … how much I cherished being with her … Being tired didn 't bother me . People didn 't think we could keep it up but I didn 't give a damn . I loved her and love her and would do anything , ANYTHING for her . We never put her down . It was so hard to put her in that casket . It was so hard to actually put her down , to let her go . I can 't let her go . I still can 't let go . Two weeks and change … and it 's unbearable tonight . I was doing so well . I hadn 't cried hard in a few days . I was able to work . I can barely breathe now . It 's been two weeks and I still can 't sleep . I still can 't write . I have a post for the day of the funeral and one the day after that still haven 't really been finished . I flushed out some notes , basically sentences here and there … maybe I should just post them as - is . Maybe then people can see how completely scatterbrained I 've felt . We went to small group for the first time without Alexandria this past Sunday . At the start I was overrun with emotion . I 'd always had her in my arms , held her while we ate , etc . My arms were empty . I had to step away from everyone and pull it together . I can 't stand falling apart every few minutes in front of everyone . I feel weak . That 's the kicker isn 't it ? I work hard to make sure Gabriel understands that it 's ok to cry , I cry in front of him , I tell him it 's ok , I share my feelings around him … . but put me in a public setting and I 'm blanketed in shame . I feel like I 'm burdening everyone . Tack that on to worrying that my losing it makes it hard to support Kim and you 'll see a never ending cycle of guilt and pain . It 's comical and pathetic all at the same time . But we did laugh that night . We laughed . For a few moments we stepped out of grief . I don 't remember why or about what , but who cares , we enjoyed a light moment in life with friends . I shared some of my problems answering Gabriel 's questions , especially his question about Heaven . The next day one of our small group members showed up at our house with a book for us to read with Gabriel … . such incredible people . To start the first " regular " week off Kim , Aden , and I all contracted Ethan 's flu . I had the entire living room covered in plastic tarps to keep Aden under control , Kim kept Gabriel and Ethan on the second floor . I just want a nice long boring break . Went to work this week . Had lunch with the same friend who had told me he was afraid I was unprepared for Alexandria 's death , that I wasn 't facing reality . We talked a good bit and he thinks I may want to talk to a doctor about my depression . I think I 'm doing better , at least better then last week . I 'm not one for pills . Work has been a good distraction , for the most part . It can be difficult to concentrate at times , others it gets my mind off things . I don 't know why , but after putting the boys to bed last night ( Friday night ) as I walked down the stairs I thought I had to take care of Alexandria … for just a split second . It had become such habit … That was a hard hit . Kim said she knew how I felt , that it was something we did for so long … I had some horrible nightmares this week when I did sleep , nightmares centered around her after she 'd passed . I 'd like some regular dreams , nice dreams , dreams of holding her and taking her to church . Kim and I spent some quality time together after the kids went to sleep tonight . It 's important to stay close , talk , breathe . Always remember to breathe . We had 50 wonderful days to spend with Alexandria and I captured many of those moments on film , and I took enough pictures that Kimberly called me " the daddy paparazzi . " I put together a video of many of the moments and people who shared the journey with us , with her . It 's hard to believe that it was two weeks before I was comfortable allowing other people to hold her , so worried about how fragile she was … but she just had to be shared . The video begins with her birth and baptism and follows the timeline of her life , day by day . Below is an updated copy of that video , it 's best watched full screen but with 480p quality . I 've found the youtube HD quality setting lags a bit ( click on the snowflake looking icon in the lower right - hand corner after it starts playing ) : We received a post - card junk mail from the florist down the street today in Alexandria 's name telling her that she 'd recently received flowers and it included a 10 - 20 % off coupon . I drove down their store and asked for a manager . I thought I could keep it together long enough to tell her why we 'd no longer like to receive junk mail in her name … but I couldn 't . I wasn 't mean , I just explained who it was addressed too , that she was gone , and through tears that we 'd no longer like to receive advertisements addressed to her … She ( and I think half the staff ) started to cry as I left . I know it wasn 't their fault , I know it wasn 't intentional , but you think there would be an option to mark what delivers are for and when it 's for the deceased those names / addr would not get into their advertisement mailing computer . Worked on finishing up a new version of the video I made for her funeral . This one will be for her website . Added some video of her , and some pictures from the funeral . I could watch video of her today and smile . I still cried a good amount . But I could smile . I could get through a few without crying and just smiling . Gabriel is beginning to use Alexandria to stall at bed time … He 's a smart little bugger . Not sure how to nip this though … don 't want to encourage him to use her to manipulate for time , but also do not want to hinder him opening up and talking about it . It was a long day . My brother , his wife , and their twins arrived late the night before . The kids had trouble adjusting to the trip from Chicago and cried a few times during the night , I felt bad for them . I , of course , was awake staring at our ceiling . We gave them Gabriel 's room and Gabriel slept in our room in a " tent city " he 'd created which included a " living room " and " bedroom " . What he wants , within reason , for now . So , funny story : I finally give up and get up at 4 in the morning or so and decifde to just go downstairs and work on Alexandria 's video for the funeral . I get downstairs and it 's pitch black , but I hear the telltale snoring from the couch and figure it 's Michael with a twin on him that he finally got to sleep . I walk over to my office , open the door , there 's a pack - in - play in there . YIKES ! Close the door . They 'd placed one kid in there to keep him happy and away from everyone . Damn . Understandable , but damn . So I walk out to find my laptop , but it 's been moved and I couldn 't find it in the dark ( probably to be kept away from the kids ) . Damn . Understandable , but damn . I decide to just go into the bathroom downstairs , open the door , and there 's a pack - in - play in there with the other twin ! Doh ! Shut the light off and leave quickly . I immediately thought , " If I go out to check the mail , what would I find ? " I was at least glad they ( Mike and Lisa ) were able to separate the two so they didn 't keep waking each other up and were able to get some sleep themselves . 🙂 Found my laptop and began working on editing the prior days 's writings … didn 't get to the video until after everyone was awake . I spent all morning putting together the video for Alexandria 's funeral . I 'm hopeful it shows how great her life was , how many people brought her joy . Not just how many people she touched , but how many people touched her . How many people gave Kimberly and I hope and time . Kimberly and I wanted to put the days on each of the pictures to mark the progression of her life , but I just didn 't have the time . I had Michael ( brother ) review it and he said to not change a thing . Pastor Nick is going to meet with me after the visitation tonight at the church to make sure the video plays on the monitors at church , it 's so nice of him to take time out to do that for me . Midland Daily News , as usual , screwed up and didn 't run her obituary today . That 's 3 for 3 now ; the spelled my name wrong in Grandpa 's obituary in 1991 , they didn 't format my mother 's obituary in 2004 so it was all broken up in mid - sentences , and now they didn 't run Alexandria 's obituary at all . Kim says to me later , " Well , it isn 't called the Midland Daily Mistake for nothing . " Isn 't that the truth . So now her obituary won 't be run in our home town the day before her internment , or even the DAY of her internment . What a complete let down . If there is one thing , ONE SMALL THING , a newspaper should take care to get right , it 's the freaking obituaries . Literally a 3 hour tour . So many great people showed up . One in particular was a gentlemen ( name withheld for privacy ) whom I 'd met several months prior who lost a daughter many many years ago . His compassion and story moved me so that one day I 'd searched him out at church so he could specifically hold Alexandria . I kinda felt like someone was telling me , " Find him , he needs to hold her . " So many people . Couples that have lost children . I don 't know how they handled being reminded of what they went through by coming to support us , but what strength to see and it gave me hope that at some point this overwhelming pain will be manageable . Friends . Family . I was all cried out after the two hours . Just when I thought I was done someone would say something and I 'd fall apart again . At the very beginning Kim and I were standing near Alexandria 's casket and a small line was forming near us . Gabriel picked up on that and as people began to walk in , he started telling people , " You need to get in line ! ! ! " I 'm getting my public education money 's worth , the boy knows lines and their importance . Kim and I heard him say that and it was a good reliever , but I told Kim we should probably move down a bit so people could mingle around and not be herded by our 4 year old . Everyone said how great parents we were to her . I kept telling people we got the better part of the deal , and that 's absolutely true . She was such a great blessing to us , I feel like she gave us so much more then we could ever give her . I have this hole feeling I didn 't do enough for her . Three things I didn 't think of until it was too late for her bucket list : Passport , Shoes , Barbie . Didn 't realize the Barbie thing until today . I was walking Gabriel through the store and saw some , it just crushed me for a minute , what father doesn 't get his daughter a barbie ? I was very moved at the number of co - workers that came out , even one that just had triple neck - bone surgery days prior . My uncle Bill commented , " I think half of Meijer showed up for the visitation . " 🙂 What a great group of people . I 've never had a more supportive employer , they 've really been outstanding . After everyone was gone we went to say goodbye again to Alexandria . They did a very good job making her look good . I remembered the funeral home saying something about putting ointment on her ears to " help " , wondered what they meant , so I touched her ears . Mistake . I 'll just say they were " different " , they weren 't ( understandably ) the floppy little ears they were days before … I wanted to make sure her ring was on her finger , but afterwards wish I had not . Her ring was on , but her hands had not been " prepared " . Everyone else who had died in my life had their hands clasped at their chest , but hers were at her sides covered by her blanket … . so I checked for the ring . It is a tough call to get closure to know how much time to spend with them after they go . I don 't want her " being dead " to be the images burned into my mind . I also need that finality . As insane as it sounds , the day after she was gone , it was almost as if they were was a hope that it was all wrong , they 'd call because she wasn 't really dead and we could go get her . But she 's definitely gone . My mother told me several times when I was young that if she ever died she 'd want my sister and I to see her at least once without anything done to her by the funeral home , so that we would know she was definitely gone . She felt kids needed that finality , and part of her career as a nurse I know she 'd seen many kids who were denied the chance to grieve . It was very important to her , probably one of the reasons I 'm so careful to make sure Gabriel is included , understands , and does see her , but glad she " looks " somewhat like she did while she was alive . I was concerned that an open casket would be a mistake . It wasn 't . Gabe walked by her a few times , he needed to know she was really gone . I think seeing her changed helped . Gabriel told me today in the car again that he was happy , not sad . He didn 't like crying . He told us on the way to the funeral home that Ethan was sad that baby Alex was gone … projecting his pain onto him I suspect . A co - worker with a psychology degree brought that up too , which I think was kinda the confirmation I needed to know we should watch it closely . Gabriel did say during the day he wanted to go to the funeral home because he hadn 't seen baby Alex in a long time . He was so close to her , he misses her , it is so hard to see his difficulty expressing it . We woke up and the house was buzzing with people , which was nice . The busier it is the the less I concentrate on losing Alexandria . Kim and I needed to be at the church early for the visitation . As we were leaving Gabriel ran up with desperation saying he wanted to come with us , I wasn 't about to argue with him , not today . We got him into the car and made it to the church . When we arrived no one from the funeral home was there yet , but they pulled up shortly after we did . I walked out to their van and carried her casket from the van into the church . When we assembled in the front area of the church , Pastor outlined the best way to position things in the small entryway . We placed Alexandria 's casket to the left near the entrance to the chapel and setup the picture boards around the room . A good friend of ours pasted some pictures on a large " A " , which we setup on a table on the other side of the chapel entrance . Phil , one of my best friends , and Marlene , a friend of both Kim and I , were the first two people to arrive . Because of work projects and everything going on with Alexandria I haven 't seen a lot of Phil in the last few months and it was good to see him . It 's amazing the weight that can be lifted off your shoulders when the presence of friends is near . A lot of people came , many friends , church members , and even a woman who had read our story on the baby - center website that Kim had posted on . The funeral was beautiful . Pastor 's message was great . He and I have spoken a few times and it 's interesting to have his perspective on her birth . He did not know that Alexandria wasn 't breathing when he entered the room , he only knew he was told by the staff to hurry . I can still feel myself holding her hand while we prayed , and her first breath after we said Amen . It is so hard to accept she 's gone . After the service many people had to leave , only about half that I had expected to stay for the lunch did stay . I know that many people had to get back to work , or home to their kids . The food was very good . I felt rushed though , knowing that we had to leave for the cemetery in an hour in order to make the timing deadlines with the cemetery . I spent a good amount of the lunch time trying to get loose ends tied up so that we would make it to Saginaw on time . During lunch Gabriel asked to see Alexandria again . I took his hand and we walked through the church and into the chapel . I unlocked her casket . He looked at her briefly , spoke a little about her , and said goodbye again . It was hard to know what he was thinking , he 's so quiet , but I knew that when he was ready he 'd talk . We returned to the lunch area where he quickly disappeared to talk to … well to just about everyone . As time got close for us to leave , Kim and I went into the chapel alone . Finality began to sink in . We taped photo 's of the family into the top of her casket and decided to say our final goodbye 's there in the church . We did not know what the situation at the cemetery would be like , but we did know we would not get the privacy the church afforded us . I made sure her baby ring was on her finger , and her cross was secure around her neck . We prayed , we cried , and then prepared to leave . Aunt San and Uncle Bill 's flight was leaving in a few hours , so making the trip to Saginaw wouldn 't be possible for them . They very graciously took care of assembling all of the flowers and food and getting it back to the house . Gabriel asked to ride with Kimberly and I to the cemetery . I initially didn 't want him to ride with us , I wanted to talk to Kimberly about what was going on in private . However , after looking into his eyes I could tell this wasn 't a request that should be put off , and we all piled into our car . I realized a few minutes into the trip he was going to have questions and Kim and I were definitely the two to answer them . He had some questions about why she died , where she was , etc . We continued to tell him that she was very sick , but not in a way that he or we could get sick … and that she was in heaven now . When we arrived Gabriel told us he wanted to see baby Alex one more time . I took him to the van where her casket was , took the key out of my pocket , unlocked , and opened it . He paused for a moment and then said to Kim and I , " I need to pray over her . " He laid his hand on her head and prayed his favorite prayer , " Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blessed . Amen . " It was a surreal moment , one I won 't soon forget . He 'd seen Pastor pray over her a few times ( other prayers obviously ) , that clearly sunk in . 4 years old going on 50 . We said goodbye , closed and locked her casket , and I carried her to the grave - site . Pastor Rob gave the graveside service . There were a few people there from Midland , but not many . We later had the feeling many people felt the graveside service was family only , we probably should have made it more clear to people that it was open to anyone . After the service I handed her casket to the cemetery workers and they laid her to rest in her tomb . Kim , Gabriel , Aden , Meghan , Robby , and I all dropped flowers into her grave . Gabe asked to drop another one because his first went into the dirt and not on her tomb . Anything he wanted … We each dropped some dirt onto her closed vault , and then one of the cemetery workers and I began to close the grave . After the first load of dirt I asked Michael to help and he and I closed the grave together . It is very much a closure thing for me , to close the grave myself , much like building her casket myself . It was my role , as her father , to take care of her from cradle to grave . Today many people shy away from this part of the cycle . Some don 't even go to the cemetery when they bury their loved ones … for me , putting the dirt on the grave myself , is very important . It may sound morbid to some , but when I closed her grave there was a peace that came over me , a knowing that I 'd done all that could be done . We loved her , we gave her everything we had , and now I 'd seen her home , that I 'd made sure she was safe . As we were closing the grave Gabriel asked , " Who 's going to die next ? " We told him hopefully no one will die for a long long time . Afterwards I just sat down next to her grave and cried . It was done . We tested the video Kim and I made for her funeral out at church last night after visitation , but it skipped once … hope it doesn 't do that today . I hope everyone sees that it 's not only the people that she touched that is such a miracle , but also all of the people that touched her life and ours that made this journey . So many people who helped us , it 's impossible to thank them , to repay their gifts . Got there , he told his teacher about that we were going " somewhere " tomorrow , but he couldn 't remember the place … he struggled for a bit … I knew what he wanted to say , and when it became clear that it really bothered him I said , " the funeral home ? " " YES ! The funeral home cause baby alex died ! " She said something to him , something good about talking about it later if he wanted too … I was temporarily blinded by emotion to hear her words . I felt compelled to explain to his teacher he really did want to come to school … She understood . Gabriel began asking question after question after question today , which is natural . We were patient and answered them as best we could . He asked me " What 's a funeral ? ! ? " in one of our discussions and the following just flew out of my mouth , " A funeral is like a church service where we go to church and praise God for the days we had with Alexandria , we sing some songs to her , and then we tell her goodbye . " It was weird , because I hadn 't really thought about what a funeral was , what I was going to tell him … it was like someone else just took over " Here , let me answer his question for ya … " After I said it I thought to myself , " Hmmm , that 's a pretty good answer , wonder where that came from . " This was the first day I 'd gone without physically seeing her . I stopped by the funeral home with some cards to see if they made them like they did when my mother passed , and they are going too . I thought about asking to see her … but something told me not too . I can 't sleep . I 've been up most of the night . Kim and I slept in our own bed tonight and the house doesn 't seem like ours anymore . It seems so empty . We laid there talking about for over an hour in the dark , remembering how wonderful she is . At 3am I came downstairs , I couldn 't lay there anymore staring at the ceiling . There is no comfort here . It is so cold . The house is so empty without her . Went to the funeral home , made preparations , including all of the paperwork for burial , visitation , and service times . The funeral director , Bob , who helped us had also lost a child many years prior . He was extremely good at his job and very helpful . Found out about finger print stuff . Gave them the working obituary and had them add the dates / times to it and send off to the newspaper . GR Press is now only delivering on Sundays , Tuesdays , etc … so if we had the funeral on Tuesday it wouldn 't even make the paper . I couldn 't stand to eat dinner at the dinner table . I did it anyway , but for most of the time while she was alive one of us ate with the boys while the other held Alex and ate in the living room . It 's terribly ironic that I thought it was difficult to eat with her , squirming around , turning my head to the side so no food would fall onto her … eating without her in my arms is much more difficult , it 's almost unbearable . Sleeping without her is just as impossible .

Every time a player goes out there , at least 20 people have some amount of influence on him . His mother has more influence than anyone . I know because I played , and I loved my mama . This is a review of a book by author Kim Doll that gave me some things to think about . I don 't like non - thinking books and fiction thinking books seem to be far and few between as far as I have been able to see . There are a few authors out there that keep you on your toes with fiction , like Mitch Albom or John Grisham for example , and while Doll does not quite reach Albom 's or Grisham 's writing ability , I can feel fairly good about putting her way up on the list of fiction writers these days . She certainly writes better than I could ever aspire to be able to do . The book reads very smoothly and is a quick read . It is the first of a trilogy of books and being that it has a heavy load to bear . As the first of a trilogy it has the responsibility of laying the ground work for the two follow up books . It does this extremely well . You are introduced to all the main character 's and are given a profile of each character 's personality and place in the book . I found it took me getting past the first two or three chapters before I settled down and felt comfortable with the book . As in many fiction books , the reader is asked to displace reality and to step into the world that the book occupies . The basis of the book takes a parallel line of the Bible and how God and Satan fit into that thought process and turns it on it 's head . Once I was able to start thinking as such while reading the book , I was able to get on with the message that I feel Doll is trying to get across through this series of books . The message I came away with from this first volume of the Moonshadow Series is that being humane means much more than following the Golden Rule and treating other humans the way you would want to be treated . It globally stretches the philosophy of humanity across the spectrum of species and life form and does it very well . The book focuses mainly on the canine species but goes further to encompass all forms of life . It also stretches the perception of good and evil as not only human traits , but also the traits of the rest of the animal kingdom . It seems to take our core beliefs and make us aware that those beliefs could possibly be wrong thus tricking us into thinking we are acting humanely when in fact we are not . These same beliefs are given to the animal characters as well , manipulating a couple of well meaning squirrels into doing evil deeds upon other members of the animal kingdom and costing them dearly . While she does use animal characters in some evil roles , her main target is mankind and how we treat , not only each other , but the rest of the animal kingdom as well . She does a superb job of getting your mind clicking over and start thinking about how man mistreats the world upon which we live . Doll spreads a wide enough net to make the reader 's thinking process lead him into some very dark places of himself as he follows the quest of Moonshadow . It was a new restaurant that had been open just a little more than a week . Ordinarily I do not get too excited over restaurant openings , but this was a special one . . It was a new International House of Pancakes , also known as IHOP and I love IHOPs . It isn 't because I am that fond of pancakes because that certainly is not the case , but it is because they serve breakfast twenty four hours a day and I love breakfast foods . It seems if I ever get the chance to have a good breakfast for dinner I will take it whether it be the chain of IHOPs , Chubbys on Broadway in Kansas City or numerous other establishments . I have even been known to frequent a Waffle House now and again to get some tasty eggs , sausage and toast . I particularly like a good IHOP because you know what to expect when you order off the menu , at least most of the time you do . This was my first visit to this IHOP and what made it special was that it was very close to my neighborhood . It was close enough to the neighborhood that I considered it part of the neighborhood even though it was a ten minute drive away . I remember thinking how great it was to have one so close to home where I didn 't have to plan to go there to eat . I could be driving by and make a quick decision to stop and relax with some true American comfort food . Many people think American comfort food as burgers and fries or mashed potatoes , but give me some good breakfast foods and it will comfort me clear through my soul . This particular Saturday afternoon , Barb and I had been out shopping and decided to stop in to give it our first test . Ordinarily a full parking lot in a restaurant would scare me away but not on this Saturday . This establishment needed to be checked out and this day was as good as any . We parked the car and walked in and began our ten minute wait for a table . Finally we were led to a booth and given menus . The booth we were seated in was across from the kitchen but booths were premium on this day so we took it . Soon a cute petite waitress cam over to take our order which we gladly gave and she said it would be about ten minutes until our order was ready . Barb and I sat back and began to people watch and to talk . We were both in a good mood that day and we truly enjoyed each others company as the kid in the booth behind me started doing gymnastics that my back felt every movement of . It was about ten minutes later when the commotion started . It wasn 't the commotion of the kid behind me or the deaf elderly couple across from us , but the commotion of the kitchen itself . Voices began to rise in the kitchen then would quiet down a bit before rising again . After twenty minutes of waiting , our waitress came over and reassured us that our food was n its way and that it would be only a couple of minutes more . Meanwhile the arguing in the kitchen became more intense and profound . We were able to make out words that were being said and they weren 't the friendly joshing words of co employees teasing each other while they worked . The words emitting from the kitchen were harsh and becoming more angry by the minute . After about thirty minutes of waiting our waitress returned again and after explaining they were having a bit of a problem in the kitchen assured us that our food would be at our table in five minutes . She looked nervous and her hair was a little more mussed than it had been before . We had been waiting about forty five minutes for our food when the kitchen went silent . Shortly after that our frazzled little waitress cautiously approached our table . She stood there for a second then leaned over and placed both of her hands on the table . She looked at Barb and then to me and then she firmly stated , " Okay . Management has taken over the kitchen . They are in there now getting the orders straightened out . I am so very sorry about all of this . I promise your food will be here in five minutes . Management is in control now and there should not be any more delays . I am so very very sorry . " She stood upright then , , brushed her hair back with her hand and took a deep breath before leaving our booth . When I paid the check I thought about how all of the waiting and turmoil was not my waitresses fault . She was simply another victim of a kitchen that exploded on a busy afternoon . The day management took over the kitchen saved her a fair tip from me and it also gave Barb and myself a lasting memory that we still talk about to this day . Looking back on my life , I can remember a time when Thanksgiving was it 's own holiday . A time when we gathered at grandma and grandpa Hill 's and various family members started arriving . I don 't recall many Thanksgivings with my dad 's side of the family . Maybe there wasn 't time , I really don 't know . But I do remember the Hill 's Thanksgivings . The big dinner was always in the evening , although people would start arriving a lot earlier to catch a ballgame with Grandpa before we sat to give thanks . We would gather in the old house on 54th Terrace in Kansas City . We all didn 't arrive at once . Great Grandma and Margaret would be there . Aunts and uncles would tow my cousins in at a pretty decent pace . Most of my them would be there . Dan didn 't come home for Thanksgiving that I recall , saving his trip back home for Christmas . Jack and June would be there with quiet Phil , talkative Dawn and cute Tim . My family would arrive after Jack and I immediately sought out my Aunt Sue for company . Mel and Eva would parade their family in led by Pete with Drew bringing up the rear and numerous other cousins ( Ellen , Jean , Judy , Jim , John and Jerry ) in between . At this point the house was beginning to get just a little crowded . We would set up a table at the end of the dining room table and another table off of it into the living room of the small house . Food would begin to show up on the big table and plates and flatware would be placed all around . Then we would all stand around and talk . I use to enjoy listening to Grandpa talk to Mel and Jack about whatever topic they happened to land on . It could be football or politics or stories from the railroad where Granpa was still working actively and helping to run the union down there . Inevitably , someone at some point in time would bring up the annual question of " Where 's Bus and Jane ? " After what seemed an eternity after that question was asked Here he would come . The last remaining hold out . Bus and Jane along with Tommy , Denny and Liz . I remember at Buster 's funeral my cousin Pete making a comment that for once , buster wasn 't late . Pete said it and it got laughs , but there was a lot of truth to it as well . Once Buster was there I knew that dinner would commence in about an hour . There was time needed for Bus and his brothers and Grandpa to talk about some new topics that Bus had brought to the gathering . Soon though , Grandma would announce that we should find out places and that Thanksgiving dinner was about to begin . My grandpa was a very spiritual and religious man . I always saw him as more spiritual than religious but that is a debate for another time . At ordinary dinners over the course of the year , grandpa had pretty much a standard prayer that he would say to bless the food before we ate and sometimes it just seemed a little like a habit , although deep in his heart I know it was more than a habit when grandpa prayed before eating no matter what the words were . He was very sincere in every prayer I ever heard him say . There were times though when his prayers would come from deep within and his emotions would be let loose as he prayed . Christmas was one of those times as well as Easter . Thanksgiving was one of those times as well . Grandpa understood thanksgiving . He had a lot to be thankful for and he knew it . Looking back on those Thanksgivings from years ago , Grandpa 's prayer before the dinner was probably the highlight of the holiday . I wasn 't old enough to appreciate what was being prayed through his words though . His prayers displayed a love of God , family and country . He knew he wasn 't accomplishing anything by himself but accomplishing things with a lot of help from those he was thankful for . Criticism may not be agreeable , but it is necessary . It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body . It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things . I had been on my first roller coaster ride starting in 1956 . It was rather small with low swings and easy curves and I rode it until I was about seven years old . I then disembarked from that roller coaster and got onto the next one in life . The second roller coaster started out to be easy and light with slow curves but quickly began to speed up as it went along . The ups and downs became steeper , the curves tighter . The speed around some of those curves would make me feel like I was going to fall out and be thrown from and banned from the coaster completely . I held on though and rode it with a fierce determination that it would not beat me . The second coaster left me bruised and beaten and in a general state of confusion . After a few years I could not wait to get off of this thing that was banging me around without any concern for my well being . I wanted off and when I turned nineteen years of age , I finally managed to climb off the wretched thing . At nineteen I climbed on a roller coaster that would be totally different from the other two . The big difference in this coaster was that I had a companion to ride along with me . Her name was Barbara and we had decided together that we would attempt this roller coaster together . We both knew from our previous coaster rides alone that this coaster would not be a piece of cake . We climbed aboard together on November twenty first , nineteen seventy five . It was a day that would forever change both of our lives . At first the ride was fun . Neither of us had a care in the world as the ride slowly began to work its way up to speed . A couple of sharp curves here and there hit us now and again but they were nothing that we couldn 't handle . We were on our way it seemed . Then the coaster began to speed up more than we expected . Every once in a while a curve would come out of nowhere and slam us around a bit , but we learned to hold help each other get through these dangerous parts of the ride . As the ride continued the curves came more often and with more severity than before . There were times when we realized we were on this ride alone and that if we were going to make it , then we had to learn to work together . Every once in a while the coaster would tend to smooth out and just as we were becoming comfortable on the ride , the bottom would drop out and we would be in what seemed a free fall with a sharp curve at the bottom which only served to speed the ride up more . As the ride progressed we found our attitudes on how to survive the ride changing and our attitudes were not changing in the same direction as the others . I began to try to survive the ride my way by myself leaving Barb to her own devices to figure out how she was going to stay on it . It was a big mistake and one that I regret . Eventually I came to the point where i was tired of the ride and decided to let go of the safety handle and let the coaster fling me out into the open air amongst the trees and rest of nature so that I could at last rest peacefully . Barb saw this happening . She saw my thinking starting to change and most important , she saw my hands begin to ease their grip on the safety bar . She was going to have none of that . She was not going to be forced to finish this ride alone so early into it . She yelled at me to hold on . She fought to hold my hands to the bar , or to just hold them with her own hands . The coaster was doing wild flips and the speed was beyond what the eye could comprehend . The curves had turned into complete loops throwing us upside down and twisting the coaster in all different directions . Then I blacked out . . When I came back to reality , the coaster ride was still moving fast and the curves were still popping up out of nowhere , but Barb was still there . She had found strength somehow and had one of her little arms around me holding me onto the ride and her other hand was holding onto the safety barb keeping us both on the ride . The ride was still wild , it was still difficult but she was keeping us both on it . Soon we learned that this crazy ride could be fun if we looked at the things that made it so scary in a different light . The coaster wasn 't slowing down and we were being looped and curved and shook about all over the place , but we were able to see that we were together on this wild ride for what was really the first time . It was a realization that would change both of our outlooks on life and the way we approached things together instead of individually . There comes a time in every boy 's life when they have that very special moment . Leading up to this moment in life , the lad experiences very many different levels of kissing . When you are a toddle , everyone wants you to give them a kiss and when told to , you just lean into the target and gently place your face upon their cheek . Not a particularly fun event thinking back on it . You get different smells from different people , some of the people actually try to kiss you back with their dry or lipsticked lips and the worst part of this procedure is that you don 't even know what you are doing . It is a forced action brought upon you by your parents as well as strangers . As you grow a little older , your kissing becomes more pronounced . It is still ordered that you perform the task by the elders in your life , but now you are kissing little playmates about your same age of three or four . The kisses are more of a real kiss but almost always still placed on the cheek and again , not a voluntary action . Grown ups think it is just adorable to watch two little people fake kiss at that tender age and sometimes I wonder if that is where a lot of psychological damage begins . Pretty soon you are in your preteens and lower teens and you find yourself attending parties . Kissing becomes more of a volunteer thing although at first it is still somewhat ordered by the playing of games such as spin the bottle and such . Eventually you may become attached to someone in this age period and do a little smooching every now and then , but it is on a very easy and non attachable level . You may start going steady with someone and a kiss is a requirement of sorts whenever you say goodbye to each other after a party . This kissing is the start of getting into the real realm of sexual attraction and is one of the final steps to that first real kiss . The first real kiss is when you kiss someone that you truly care about . You think of this person a lot during the days and you may only see them two or three times a week but the time you do see them seems very special in nature . You hold hands a lot . You sit next to each other in church . Every once in awhile your parents will drive the two of you to a movie for something that closely resembles a date . Eventually it does happen . That first real kiss . The kiss where you want to kiss her . The kiss where you feel a certain turning of your stomach as you contemplate it . The kiss that makes your head spin for the first time and you realize you want this to happen again and again not realizing that a first real kiss seldom ends up in a lifetime of kisses with the person . The first real kiss is where all your emotions are spilled out and you cherish the time that the two sets of lips are pressed together . You find that the first real kiss is a miracle of nature and a miracle that you will never forget for the rest of your life . No matter who you end up with in life , that first kiss will always be there in your memory holding a special place in your heart . My first kiss came to me in the form of a girl a little bit older than me . Her name was Vallory and she was beautiful . I must have been about in the eighth grade or a freshman when the first real kiss happened for me . Val and myself had been good friends for many years , but as of late we had found ourselves getting closer and closer to each other . We were the next thing to best friends that an eighth grade boy could have with a girl . We began hanging around a lot together at church but we both felt we had to hide the fact that something was growing in our feelings for each other . We had been friends for so long that kissing each other felt out of the question . Ours was not suppose to be that kind of a relationship and I don 't think we understood the miracle of our minds and bodies changing that would allow us to be caught in a situation of feelings like that . The longer we denied it though , the stronger it seemed to be until one evening we began to discuss whether we should kiss or not . I know it may seem like we were a little old to be at this point but keep in mind we had been just friends for years . Would a kiss between us hamper that friendship or make it stronger . This was the important question we faced . This would be the first real kiss for both of us and thus a very important moment in both of our lives . We decided that if we were to finally kiss , it would have to be very secret and covert . No one could know about it because of the way we felt people saw us in public as being very good friends . After a few long talks we decided that for our own good , to be able to know if what we felt was real that the first real kiss would have to take place . We began to plan out the details of it . It doesn 't sound very romantic planning out a first kiss but then if it were meant to be romantic it would take care of itself . We decided that on the next Wednesday night we met at the church we would carry through with the first real kiss . It would take place in the furnace room of the church . Not many people actually knew where the furnace room was and there never was anybody in there anyway . It would be the perfect spot where we could be alone , size up the situation perform the act and then soak all the feelings and emotions in that it might bring to the surface . The next Wednesday found just the two of us standing in the furnace room of the church facing each other and staring into each others eyes . The moment came naturally as she tilted her head up and I lowered mine . It felt like we were in slow motion as our lips approached each other . When our lips finally made contact we quickly pulled away and looked into each others eyes again . Neither of us said a word as we tried to sort out the feelings rushing all around inside of us . Val put her hands on my shoulders and we pressed our lips together again . At last the first truly real kiss was happening . It lasted more than a few seconds and I could hear her breathing softly as we kept ourselves together with our lips . We pulled away and looked at each other again and then decided we had better get back to where people could see us before we were missed . One last little peck of our lips and we left the furnace room having accomplished what we had set out to do . That first kiss was very special to me and Val both . Neither of us ever forgot it . We continued to grow close for awhile then it seemed our relationship settled back into that best friend level and the kissing stopped . We remained close friends helping each other out of jams . Val introduced me to the girl who would become my wife for the rest of my life . That first kiss with Val taught us both a lesson in life and in love . Relationships would not necessarily last forever but while you had one going , it could be the greatest thing in the world . My relationship with my wife has last thirty five years now and it all started with my first real kiss introducing me to the love of my life . Val died last year and I was crushed . She had been one of the most important people in my life outside family members for the great majority of my life . We had learned together . We had helped each other . We had loved each on a best friend level . When I found out she had passed away , one of my first thoughts was that memory of that first real kiss in the church furnace room and how that evening had effected both of us in a way that kept us friends for years . I enjoyed that kiss and I will never forget it . Val was a special friend and I miss her terribly and will continue to miss her the rest of my life . There 's an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you . It proves you exist . Your mere existence caused them to alter their path . It 's a nice feeling . After you die , no one has to get out of your way anymore . He never liked being described as a hobo . He was a train hopper in his mind . He hopped onto trains and took them to small towns that looked promising for a few weeks work before hopping on another train and riding to another town . Although it was illegal to ride trains in this manner , the people who worked in the yards manage to leave at least a few doors open in the box cars so that he and other train hoppers could at least have a chance for a ride . They considered it doing a good deed to keep the hoppers warm and safe . He had been hopping trains for almost thirty years now and he still was not tired of it . He had been from one end of the country to the other , although he preferred the northern plains to other parts of the country . He had shared rides before with other hoppers and had never had any trouble . One reason for this is that he stood six foot and 4 inches tall and he was in very good shape . One look at him , and a would be thief would reconsider his plan immediately . He carried a medium sized duffel bag which contained two sets of cloths and various canned goods and tools . This little kit had done well for him making him prepared for almost any job that may present itself to him . One spring night as he was settling down in a corner of the dusty box car , three other hoppers climbed aboard . They looked him over and decided it may be wise to be pleasant to the big muscular man in the corner . They asked him if it he would mind sharing the car with them for a couple of days . He didn 't mind as long as they didn 't bother him . He made it part of his philosophy to never get into others business and never let others get into his . It had worked fairly well over the years with only a few minor scuffles that didn 't amount to much . The three newcomers settled down in the opposite corner and whispered among themselves as to not to disturb their host in the car . It was two nights later when the train was stopped to add a few more cars onto it that the two boys climbed aboard the car . They looked over at the loner and then at the three gathered in a corner and and without asking just sat their cloth bags on the floor in the third corned and laid down to take a nap . The three men who considered themselves no longer guests of the box car but residents were angered over this breech of protocol among train hoppers everywhere . They talked to each other in hushed tones that slowly got louder and faster as they tried to decide what the best way to handle this situation was . The train started moving and the two boys were still in the car . One of the boys sat up and posed a question to the loner about his belief in Christ and religion . The loner just sighed and sat back to close his eyes as he felt the train starting to rock below him as he slowly started to drift off finally falling into a sleep that was not destined to last for long . It was the yel ; ling of not giving a damn about religion or God or anything else that awoke the loner . His eyes came into focus just as one of the three threw a fist into the gut of one of the boys . It was the beginning of an exhibition of the worst kind , the young missionaries taking a pounding for their beliefs and not fighting back . The blood began to flow from the boys and soon both of them seemed to be lifeless as they lay in a pool of their own blood . They were very still and the loner could not even hear breathing coming from the two boys . The three men started going through the sacks of the young missionaries and grabbing what food they could find as the loner just sat and watched the end of the event come to pass . One of the three suddenly got the idea that they had better get rid of these bodies or there could be questions asked , more questions than a small pool of blood stain on the floor of a box car would bring up . The three men slowly picked up each of the boys and swung them out of the fast moving train into a terrain that wasn 't very clear . It could be water , soft grass or rocks . They couldn 't tell nor did they care . The kids were gone and the three had some fresh food to eat . After a few minutes one of the three picked up a bible and through it out the door as well . The lone train hopper shifted his body a little and fell back asleep , not giving what he had just seen much thought . The boys were gone , the three were pleased and it was back to a quiet normality of quiet as he fell asleep . It was a month after the night of the beatings and possibly killings of the young men when he noticed a police car drive by . In the back he could make out the faces of two of the three riders that had beat up the kids . Fairly soon after that another car came whizzing by with the third part of the trio in the back seat . He wondered what the police had found . He had been working in a warehouse , helping to get it organized for the Christmas season and had planned on leaving the following Monday , hopping another train He did not talk to his lawyer . He did not talk to anyone . His jail cell fit him as comfortably as a box car had . He kept rolling through the pictures in his mind from that night and over and over saw himself sitting there watching the beatings and watching the bodies go flying out of the side of the boxcar . He decided it would be best to just keep totally silent and that was what he did . The trial did not last long . There was the account of the young missionary of what happened that night , the account of officers who found the young boy wandering around in a daze and then the account of finding the body of his friend . The other three tried to throw up a weak defense that seemed to try to place most of the blame on the loner but it didn 't hold up . It was obvious to everyone in the court room , particularly the jury , what had happened that night . The lone hopper did not put up a defense , instead deciding to continue not to talk to his lawyer and not to speak of what he had witnessed . It took the jury less than an hour to come to the decision of all four men being guilty of murder and being placed on death row . The loner let the words sink into his soul of what it all meant . It meant he was going to die . Somehow he was good with that , resting easy for the next two days before they transferred the four to the state prison to await execution . The four men were put into adjacent cells on death row . The three began trying to figure out how to appeal their misfortune while the loner laid quietly on his bunk resting and waiting for time to drift by . One of the three called him a fool for not defending himself , for not saying he had nothing to do with it and because of that he was sitting here waiting patiently to die for something he had nothing to do with . They asked him how he come he was even here when all he did was watch what happened ? How could he accept that . Then the loner said the only words to the three or anyone since he was arrested . " It is because I did nothing that I am here . I deserve it . I should have stopped it but I sat and watched and then fell asleep . I have no quarrel with the state or you or anybody . I did nothing and for that I must pay . The first things that he noticed was that it was dark and it was quiet . Every once in a while he would here a soft voice that sounded like it was in a small cave with a small echo . Sound was the only sensation he had . He could not feel arms or legs or even the bed he assumed he was lying on . He would hear the voice ask him how he was doing but he could not answer or even nod his head . He felt tired but was afraid to slip off to sleep even though he felt like he was halfway there as it was . He decided to try to figure out how he arrived in this dark tunnel of nothingness but sound . The only sense he could come up with was a sense of moving fast and a two headlights heading straight for him . After that small memory , which was very difficult to conjure up and getting more difficult all the time , his memory jumped into the darkness . He thought he heard his wife one time saying that she loved him but he wasn 't sure if it was her or not . He was never sure when he was sleeping or when he was awake . He assumed that if heard the soft footsteps and whispering voices he was awake , but there was no way for him to verify that . He had tried to will himself to talk a few times but nothing happened . Nothing would move , no pressure on his vocal chords , his head wouldn 't even move . His head was the only place where he could actually feel something as it rested on a huge fluffy pillow . As far as he knew of the rest of his body , it was gone . No arms , no legs , not even any part of a torso could he feel . Just the soft pillow under his head which he could not move . One day as his head was lying on the people , he heard a group of voices . It was more voices then he had ever heard at one time as far as he could remember . He was having a difficult time sorting out the different voices and what was being said . He heard the mention of a young girl just five years old and her mother . apparently around the age of twenty six . From what he could make out these two people were going to be at a funeral later in the day . He laid with his head nestled in the pillow trying to sort things out . He had noticed that his brain had been slowing down recently although he could not tell how many days or nights he had been here . There was no day or night for him , just lost time that came and went . His thoughts began in a cluttered mess with the little information he had until he came to a horrific conclusion . This mother and her little girl were being buried today . His mind began to race with questions that ran into each other confusing him even more . He tried as hard as he could to ask questions of the voices but his head just lay still and his mouth kept close . He did not even think his eyes were moving . He wanted to know if this little girl and her mother were the lights heading towards him in that last memory before this non existence that he had woke up to . Suddenly the voices stopped and the next thing he remembered was that single voice asking him how he was doing . It was taking him longer and longer to decode what the voices were saying to him . Things would come out garbled and he would have to reconstruct the sounds to hopeful get something that sounded like the words that he remembered . He felt like he was conscious less and less time between his confusing waking moments . When he was conscious , the voices were softer and more difficult to put together in his head . The blank spots between the voices became more and more frequent until one day they faded off slowly into the distance as he felt himself doze off a bit . He had no idea how long it had been since that last time he was aware and the voices faded off . Even if he did know how long , he would not be able to recognize it as a unit of time . His head was just full of random thoughts and numbers and words . Nothing going on in his head made any sense . Then he became aware of something in his throat . It wasn 't uncomfortable but was pushing air down his throat and , he figured , eventual into his lungs which he assumed were still there . He heard constant beeps coming from a source that seemed to surround his whole head . The voices were there . They seemed far away and he could not make any sense of them at all . There seemed to be an argument of some kind between the voices as they would raise up in volume every once in a while but he still could not make sense of what the voices were saying . The voices were just more noise added to the noise of the beeps around his head . He tried to put thoughts together , to form a sentence in his mind but as hard as he tried , his thoughts and mind made as much sense as the voices that were off in the distance . He rested his head on the pillow and noticed that things were very quiet around him now . He heard the beeping of a machine close to his head but there were no voices . He wanted to say something but he could not figure out what it would be . He wanted to ask something but again his mind was unable to construct anything that he himself could understand . He could still feel the cool air being forced down his throat when all of a sudden , it seemed that the tube quit doing it 's cooling magic . The air stopped going down his throat . Suddenly he felt a sharp pain coming up in his throat and he thought he would finally be able to make a noise but the mouth remained shut . What was left of his mind became dizzy and he started seeing bright sparks of light here and there as his mind became weaker and weaker and suddenly , he found himself in nothingness . He slowly started to feel his body once again . His arms were moving and then his legs made themselves aware to him . He decided to try to open his eye and when he did , all he could see was darkness . He felt himself floating as as time passed the floating became more and more real to him . The darkness began to lift slowly and he began to see other souls floating along . They were all silent but the floated as if looking for something , searching for something . Slowly but surely the light became as if on a cloudy rainy Saturday morning . Gray and dull but light enough to see things that were about . Suddenly there came a pull on his legs . He looked down and saw a great ocean with sparkling beaches all around it . Millions of souls were walking in and out of the water , their souls going in gray and coming out sparkling white . The next thing he noticed was that he was standing down on that beach looking over at the sensational ocean of life giving water . He wasn 't sure what he was suppose to do so he stood and observed as others made their way to the shoreline while others came back from the water , smiling and happy . Suddenly there was a young lady and a little girl standing next to him . Neither of them looked at him but the little girl simply told him that everything was ok . The young woman began to tale a short tale to him . It was about how one night she and her daughter were driving on a two lane highway when suddenly one of the tires blew out . She had lost control of her car and the last thing she remembered of her life were two headlights heading straight for her . Next thing she knew she said was that her and her daughter had found themselves here at what is called the Ocean of Life . She then turned her head and looked at him and told him it was his turn . He had done nothing wrong and they had been waiting for him the last few days . He asked her if he could talk again and when she smiled , he felt a little foolish . She urged him to go ahead , walk into the Ocean of Life and become whole once again . Slowly he turned and began to walk . He felt the water hit his toes and felt them suddenly jump to life . The rest of his body had the same reaction as he walked deeper and deeper into the ocean until it covered his head He found he could still breathe while under the water of the ocean . As he came out and stood on the beach once again he noticed his clothes were shiny and sparkled . He noticed that there were no aches or pains in any of his joints . But most of all , he felt happy . This wasn 't the kind of happiness he had learned to know of previously but this happiness was overwhelming ans he found himself happy just to be able to walk along the beach , around the entire circumference of the Ocean of Life . The most important part of travel , is when you come home . Because , that 's when you see your country with new eyes . I was amazed to realize that we 're - we 're the only country that - that tells the rest of the world , on a nearly constant basis , that we 're the greatest country on Earth . And that is a little obnoxious ! And they know it 's obnoxious . Because , if you were in an office , and there was someone there , who came in every day and said ; " I 'm the greatest person here ! And you snivelling idiots would die without me ! AHAHAHAHA ! " I can guarantee that by the end of the week , you 'd have killed him ! And eaten him , just to try to possess his power ! I was driving an old 1967 Impala with a very small block straight 6 engine in it . It was a long ways from my days driving the Nova with the V - 8 . I was married and the Nova was my wife 's , no questions asked . Harry had taken me out to help find a car suitable for me . I had my eyes on a 1972 Chevelle with a big engine and the rear end jacked up . It was a real looker of a car but Harry thought I could do better . He walked around the lot and found this Impala for me . Sensible car he had said . It only would cost me two hundred dollars and it could , if I pushed it hard enough , make it up to seventy miles per hour . You can 't realize the blow to your self esteem when your wife is out driving a car like her Nova at speed under the speed limit and driving it extremely carfully while you are stuck with a car that was almost toy in its nature . It was a good car though . It was reliable and the maintenance it required was simple and easy for me to do . I drove that car many miles and it served its purpose , that of getting me from point A to point B . The low initial cost and low overhead of fuel costs and maintenance cost also allowed us to save up money for our first brand new car . Harry knew what he was doing . He always did . I was still a little bit immature even though I was married . I had done things that looking back , could have been pretty big mistakes . For example on our first anniversary of marriage , I had received a phone call from the guys wanting to play basketball , which I agreed to without even thinking . So my wife spent our first anniversary at home by herself while I was out shooting hoops . Not a good choice on my part . I had matured over the years in other ways though . Since that day I threw rocks at the dump truck , I had never thrown another rock anywhere except maybe into a lake , skipping it across the surface . I had not had a drag race either for a few reasons . First I had learned a lesson from my previous racing experience and that was that it was not such a good idea to drag race on public streets . Of course , since my big drag race , a new interstate had been built across the drag strip producing a set of four red lights which shortened the track somewhat . Along with the new freeway came another set of stop lights a few blocks back from the freeway which shortened the track even more . Blue Ridge was no longer a drag strip dream but just another suburbian street that was picking up more and more traffic . The other reason for not racing anymore was that my Impala was incapable of doing a race of any kind except perhaps a demolition derby . I was out taking my Impala to the gas station one bright sunny summer day . I had grown to kid of love that car and I felt comfortable and safe in it . As I was coming up a street a dump truck pulled out in front me to make a left hand turn . I slowed the car a bit to give the heavy truck plenty pf time to complete his turn . As the truck passed in front of me I looked up in the cab . It was eerie . The driver had thick black hair brylcreemed back in a swoop . He ware dark glasses and had a look of determination on his face of a man at work with a job to get done . It was the same truck driver from years ago . The man who had lectured me while all the other kids were hiding . The man who had truly scared me half to death when he had climbed out of that truck . Then in my mind flashed another picture of a man . A police officer I knew only as " Sweeney " from his autograph on my speeding ticket the night he had turned off the radar gun when my car hit fifty five miles per hour . The Officer who had faked calling pthe parents of both me and my wife in a terror filled evening that I had seen my life pass before my eyes if Harry had found out about the racing . One thing you should know I spuupose is that Harry was a big racing fan and I had been to the races with him dozens of times , but those races were on an enclosed track , not on a public street in a car in which he owned , so yes , I am not exagerating when I felt like my life would have ended if Harry had found out about that racing incident . Things were going pretty good for me the summer between my junior and senior years of high school . I had met and was dating the girl I would eventually marry . I had a job that was a career job in drafting instead of flipping burgers as most of my friends were doing . I was working full time during the summer and would be able to graduate from high school in December and pick up working full time for good in January . My future father in law was a good man with a good sense of humor and most importantly , he liked me . Harry was a car mechanic for Chevy dealers and he loved cars . He had some fairly nice cars in the past and continued not settling for average cars . In 1972 he had bought a demo car from the dealership where he worked . It was an absolutely beautiful 1971 Nova Super Sport with a large 350 cubic inch v8 engine powering it . It was painted dark metallic brown . It was a powerful little car that was fun to drive . It had such power on pickup that it was almost worthless in snow as the tires would spin too fast with the lightest bit of pressure on the accelerator pedal . With that power it became a very fast car and when you are a young man of seventeen , there is nothing quite as intriguing as a sharp looking , smooth riding car that could knock off a hundred miles per hour with ease . As luck would have it , he loaned this sweet little Nova to my future wife for her to drive around in . He would later give it to her and it would become part my car but for now it was considered a loan for her to drive where she needed to go . At this time I did not have a car of my own , so we ended up taking the Nova on our dates , to church , and wherever else we may find ourselves going . Eventually my future bride allowed me to drive the Nova on our dates because that was the more proper thing to do . I truly loved that car and thinking back , I am not sure I stayed with my girl because of her or the car I got to drive as long as I dated her . It was a summer night when the car came to cause me one of my most terrifying evenings I had during that part of my life . Today if you drive down Blue Ridge Boulevard from 95th street to 107th Street you have a stop light at 99th street , a major freeway at about 102nd Street which places four stop lights in your path before you can advance on down to the next stop light at 107th Street . Back in the days that I was dating the Nova , there was not any stop lights between 95th Street and 107th Street and the traffic kept fairly light on Blue Ridge . It was a teenage drag racer 's dream . On this particular summer night we had been dining at McDonald 's on 87th Street when I began talking to one of my friends from school about our cars and how fast they could go . We decided to find out who 's car was faster so we drove out onto Blue Ridge and drove up to the stop light at 87th Street . The light turned green and both cars jumped and flew down to the stop light at 95th Street . It was a pretty close race so with an acknowledgment by nodding our heads , we decided to take a second race from 95th Street all the way to 107th Street . This was going to be special because on that long a stretch of road you could really get the cars speed built up . The light turned green and off we went . Door to door , the cars going faster on a consistent rate until we passed the church at 102nd Street . There in the parking lot was a police officer running a radar gun as we sped towards him in the darkness , As soon as we passed him he pulled out with lights flashing and siren going . Thankfully we were going so fast he was quite a ways behind us . I pulled the car over while my competition kept going . I sat there watching his tail lights fade into the distance and then glanced in the rear view mirror where I saw the police lights closing in . As the car stopped racing , my mind and heart began to race . Her dad could not find out I have even been driving this car , much less racing it . I decided there was only one thing to do and that was to switch places with Barb and I suggested that very idea to her . She did not think it was a very good idea for her to get a mark against her driving record for speeding when she had tried her best to talk me out of the race . I poured more logic on her and received the same answer . I tried one last time and she finally agreed to switch places with me in the car . I slid under and she slid over as we began to swap positions in the car and were right i the middle of the procedure when i saw the shadows from the policeman 's spot light shine in the car . We had been caught not only speeding , but now trying to switch places in the car . There was nothing to do but to get out and explain it to the hopefully understanding officer . As I got out of the car I was ordered to stop and to raise my hands . I looked and saw the officer squatting behind his open door with his gun raised and pointing straight me . It did not take a lot of thinking to make the decision to do as he said . He walked over to me , turned me around and after slamming me up against the car proceeded to frisk me for any weapons that I did not have . He then lectured me on how police officers think , when they see people swapping places in a car then one gets out , he did not know if I was armed or what I was planning . I told him I was planning on explain to him why he had caught us in that position and he decided to talk it out at the police station , which at that time was just down the road at 107th and Blue Ridge . He took my license and I followed him down the street to his office while all the time the lecture was starting to come from Barb about how she told me not to race , that we were in big trouble now and so on . When we got to the police station he had us sit at his desk and explain the whole situation over again , which I did in explicit detail , not forgetting to mention that at least I stopped while my competition had continued on down the road . He listened closely then took both of our drivers license and walk out of the room , leaving us to begin the sweating process . He returned shortly and again asked me to explain the situation , which I dutifully did . He then asked for my future father in law 's phone number and left the room again . This time the sweating was like an internal water hose had been turned on . If he called Barb 's dad and told him the story , he could add at least a domestic disturbance call to his night , maybe even a murder call . This was not going well . He continued to make us sweat by asking questions , checking to be sure he had the right phone number and leaving the office between each round of questions for the next two hours . Finally he came in and sat leaning back in his chair and said he had decided not to call Harry , and both Barb and I started to breathe once again . He said he was going to give me a ticket though and I had better show up and pay the fine . I agreed quickly to his terms . As he finished writing the ticket I asked him how fast he had clocked me at . He half smiled and said that he had turned the radar gun off when it hit fifty five miles per hour , only ten over the speed limit . He handed me the ticket and I looked it over . Under Officer he had signed his name simply " Sweeney " . He then told us to get out of there and never let him catching us racing again . For every child summer seems to last forever . Looking back on that special time of life , all the days are long and sun filled with running around playing . The child finds himself doing things that deep down he knows are wrong , but there is an impulse that brings the thought into reality and then the child immediately begins to hope and wish that he doesn 't get caught . When he gets away with whatever it is , there is joy . When he gets caught doing the offense , which is far less likely to happen , punishments surely awaits . I am not sure how old I was when the following event happened but I want to guess that I was around seven or eight . My mother babysat for extra income so along with my brother and I , there were probably two or three other kids outside that bright sunny summer morning . We had been playing all morning waiting for George , the postman to make his round to our house . You could set your clock by George as he showed up at our front door every morning right around ten minutes after ten . He was tall and lanky but still showed a lot of stamina as he carried that heavy mailbag on his shoulder . George was a very friendly postman and he would stop and talk to us for a bit before heading on down the street . George would be our friend for years upon years , stopping to talk to us almost every summer day that we were out . I mention George because that is how I come to approximately what time of day it was that we kids committed the offense . It seems like George had been there and gone for about fifteen minutes so it was approximately ten thirty on a summer weekday morning that we found ourselves in the front yard . If it had not been for the lure of talking to George that morning we may have been in the back yard when the situation presented itself instead of the front yard . It was at about this time that we heard the loud grinding noise of a truck at the bottom of the hill . We quickly ran over to the curb and saw a big dump truck , similar to our little Tonka ones , beginning to struggle up the hill slowly gaining speed as it continued to push itself . Now I am not one to point fingers and to be honest I really don 't know whose idea it was , but by the time the dump truck reached our driveway every kid in that front yard had a small hand full of little rocks at the ready . As the powerful truck passed us the rocks suddenly flew out of little hands hitting the truck on the side making a terrible clatter . We were all laughing and enjoying ourselves with our good rock tossing when the unthinkable happened and the unthinkable was not my mother coming out of the front door to yell at us for throwing rocks . The unthinkable was that the tires on the massive dump truck locked up , screeching to a halt then slowly rolled back towards us . I stood frozen on the curbside . Frozen I suppose half out of fear but also half out of wonderment at the size of the truck rolling back towards me . I looked up and in the cab was a dark haired handsome fellow with dark sunglasses on . His hair was brylcreemed back into a swoop and he looked straight at me as he opened the door of the truck . I watched him climb out of the truck slowly finishing with a little hop on down to the ground . He turned , looked at me then came over to me . As he started to talk to me , and only me , I looked around for my accomplices . They were nowhere to be seen . Apparently everyone used their brain to run except for me . I had stood there like an idiot waiting for the truck to make its way all the way back to me . He began the scolding with a little anger in his voice . " It is dangerous to throw rocks at vehicles " ( yes , he actually said vehicles ) and then explained how rocks could distract a driver causing accidents and all kinds of mayhem that you would not ordinarily see on a quiet suburban street mid morning in the middle of summer . I stood there all by myself taking in the lecture and actually realizing that he was right , but too frightened to really say anything in response . Eventually he asked me if I was going to ever throw rocks at cars or trucks again and I answered that I definitely would not ever do that again . A small grin came across his face which he turned back into a scowl as he looked past me and over my shoulder and into the back yard . He patted me on the head and climb back into the giant truck and began the slow grinding torturing of the truck to continue up the hill . Suddenly I was surrounded by all my cohorts in the great rock throwing incident asking me about what he had said , if he was going to tell mom and all other types of questions that if they had been there with me they wouldn 't have to ask . I ignored their questions for a bit as I stood at the curbside quietly watching him leave . His faced was burned into my memory that morning , his voice would be with me for years and the kindness he showed in letting me off with just a lecture impressed me . While I was running this all through my brain there was a very small part of my mind wondering if my mother had witnessed the confrontation between me and the truck driver . I don 't think she did because I do not remember any punishment for rock throwing on that particular day .

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support about Paolo . Even though I know we made the right decision , it still just feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders . This year has been a challenge for me , that 's for sure ! With Sarah dying from melanoma , seeing Mark deteriorate and finally pass away , my emotional eating taking a toll on my weight , and now Paolo - - it 's been a lot to handle . But I have some really great things going on this summer and fall that can hopefully turn things around , starting with Punta Cana in a few weeks ! I thought the other three cats might act differently without Paolo around , but they don 't seem to notice . Eli told me today that he bets that Paolo is in Heaven and annoying God with his constant meowing and begging to turn on the water faucet ; ) It 's funny what goes through kids ' minds ! I took a rest day today , not only because I felt like I needed it , but also because my knee is still giving me issues after that 12 - mile run on Friday . It seemed okay when I ran / walked with Noah on Saturday , and hadn 't been a bother during Monday or Tuesday 's runs . Then , I did strength training yesterday , and ever since then , I can really feel it . It 's definitely something I could run through if I wanted , but after my past experience with knee injury , I 'm not taking any chances . I 'm going to rest it completely until it 's 100 % better . My next race isn 't until October , so there isn 't any rush at all . Based on the location of the pain , I 'm pretty sure it 's my IT band ; so today , I used the foam roller and rested most of the day . I really wanted to go for a long walk this morning , but I could feel the twinge in my knee just walking around the house , so I figured it would be best not to . Better safe than sorry ! Eli asked me if we could go miniature golfing , so I said sure . I think he 's getting bored without Noah around ! We went and played a round of mini golf , and it was nice spending time with him . When we got in the car to go home , he asked if we could go out for ice cream . This started a big battle in my head - - of course I wanted ice cream ! I love ice cream . But I am trying really hard to stay on track , and I couldn 't afford to fit a flurry into my calories today , especially since I can 't run right now . As I was driving home , this battle in my head was going back and forth , back and forth . ( Of course , I could have just told Eli no to the ice cream , but now that he 's able to eat after his surgery , I didn 't see anything wrong with him having an ice cream ) . It went something like this : I pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream place , and just sat there , debating . I know this sounds ridiculous , but this situation was SO tempting for me . It would be like asking a recovering alcoholic to go buy his favorite drink for a friend , pay for it , and carry it over and hand it to him - - without getting one himself . I called Jerry , and I thought , " If he doesn 't answer , I 'm just going to order one " . He answered just before his voicemail picked up . I told him the situation , and he tried to be helpful , but in my mind , I think I already knew what the answer was . Ultimately , I decided to get Eli his flurry , and I didn 't get anything for myself . It 's interesting , because when I was losing weight , I did things like this all the time , and it wasn 't nearly this difficult . I was used to going to parties and turning down food ; taking the kids out for ice cream , and not getting anything myself ; sorting Halloween candy with the kids , and not eating so much as an M & M ( unless I 'd planned it out first and counted the calories for it ) . I was so stubborn , and so determined . For the past year or so , however , I 've somehow developed this " you only live once " attitude , and I 've been choosing the instant gratification ( food ) over my long term goals ( staying at a healthy weight ) . I kind of feel like today was a big step in the right direction . I faced my biggest temptation , and I overcame it . After Eli had finished his ice cream , I was really glad that I hadn 't gotten any . If I had , I 'm sure it wouldn 't have stopped with the ice cream - - it would have put me over my calories for the day , so I would likely have said , " Oh , well , might as well have this , too . . . " and then , " I 'll just start over tomorrow " . I swear , those five words , " I 'll just start over tomorrow " , should be banished from existence ! ; ) Noah comes home on Friday , and he has no idea that we are planning a surprise birthday party for him . We had celebrated his birthday a couple of weeks ago with my family , but we told him we 'd have to plan his " friends party " in August , because of the timing and Jerry 's work schedule . So on Friday , Jerry will go pick him up from the church , and I 'll stay here with his friends . And then they 'll surprise him when he comes home after being at camp for a week . Noah is going to be SO excited , I 'm sure of it . So tomorrow , we have to get everything ready for the big surprise on Friday . I can 't wait ! I didn 't want four cats , however , so instead of bringing him inside , I started trying to find a home for him . One of the moms I knew from the kids ' preschool said she would take him , and that ended up being a disaster . She lied about a lot of things , and ended up dumping Paolo back at my house . I refused to have a fourth cat , so I kept trying to find him a home . But one night , it was raining , and the poor cat was huddled in the cat carrier that I set outside for him . My heart broke for him , so I let him in . And he really hasn 't been outside ever since ! I never did find him a home , so he became our fourth cat , and we named him Paolo ( going with the Friends theme in naming our pets ) . Paolo was a quirky cat - - very snobby , but to the point where it was humorous . When we 'd set food in front of him , he 'd sniff it and then turn his nose in the air like , " You really expect me to eat that ? Where 's my tuna tartare ? " He was very lovable , though , and adored to be petted and fussed over . When I 'd get out his brush , he was right at my feet , waiting for me to groom him , while the other cats ran and hid . Whenever anyone would pet him , he 'd spread his toes wide and then curl them back in , like he was trying to grab onto you and not let go . He had an obsession with water , and he would only drink water that was pouring from the faucet . When he was thirsty , he 'd run to the bathtub and start meowing until we 'd turn it on for him ( yes , he trained us ) . Eventually , I bought him a cat drinking fountain , so he 'd always have running water to drink . Even then , he still liked the actual faucet . Paolo never really learned his name . The other three cats come when we call their names , but Paolo would come when we 'd call ANY of the cats ' names . All you had to do was make a ticking noise with your tongue or call one of the cats ' names , and Paolo would be there , thinking you wanted to shower him with attention . We knew Paolo was old , but we weren 't sure just HOW old . Over the past year , I started to think that maybe he was even older than than the 10 - 12 years we 'd originally guessed , because he started to act differently . He started showing all the signs of feline dementia , and for the past few months , the symptoms were getting much worse . We took him to the vet to rule out disease or something curable , and learned that sure enough , he was " normal " - - just getting old . A couple of nights ago , Paolo was really agitated , and was meowing really loudly and pacing around the house . If a cat can " look " confused , he most certainly did . He was finding spots to hide , he wasn 't eating , he was sleeping almost constantly , he didn 't enjoy being groomed or even petted much anymore , and he 'd gotten even skinnier than he already was ( you could see all of his bones ) . His fur looked terrible , and his eyes were glazed over . Jerry and I started to think that it was time to make a decision about euthanizing him . I felt horrible about it , but Paolo really seemed miserable . I looked up symptoms of a dying cat , and Paolo pretty much had the entire checklist . I couldn 't bear the thought of taking him to the vet , so Jerry did it . The vet checked out Paolo , and said he agreed that Paolo 's time had come . I don 't want to write about the rest , but Jerry stayed with Paolo the whole time , and said it was peaceful . We only had Paolo for three years , but I had gotten attached to him . Jerry and I liked to poke fun at his little quirks , and we always joked , " Oh , we 're still looking for a home for him ! " when someone would ask , but we knew that he had become our cat . The house seems different without him now . Happy Motivational Monday ! I can 't believe it 's almost August already . This summer is just flying by ! I did really well with tracking my food this week . There were a few days that I didn 't track , because of Eli 's surgery , but I wasn 't pigging out , either . I 'm really happy with how the week went as far as my food . I think what I am actually most proud of this week , though , is recognizing that the MAF heart rate training just wasn 't the right fit for me , and choosing not to continue with it . I ran three miles this morning at a 9 : 03 / mi pace , which gave me an average heart rate of 167 ( my MAF range was 138 - 148 ) . It felt really good to push myself , and feel out of breath when I was done . My knee feels totally fine , so I 'm glad that it doesn 't seem to be injured from the 12 - mile MAF run on Friday night . Anyway , the whole point of all this is that I am happy with my decision to stop the MAF training , and I think it was best for me . Alicia is VERY excited to have reached a huge milestone this week - - she reached her Weight Watchers goal weight ! ! She struggled with her weight her entire life , and even joined WW at age 15 . She rejoined several times through the years , but never saw it through to reach her goal weight . She rejoined last July for the final time , and has lost 60 pounds since . She also started to run , and her first 5K was my Runs for Cookies Virtual 5K in January . Sadly , Alicia recently lost a dear friend , Joy , to ALS . And now she runs for Joy , because Joy spent three years in a wheelchair , and couldn 't do all of the amazing things that Alicia 's body was capable of doing . When all she wanted to do was eat to numb the pain , she ran for Joy instead : ) This weekend , Sam ran her first half - marathon ! She has lost 80 pounds , and says that this race was the hardest and most rewarding thing she 's ever done . The best part of the race was seeing her mom 's face as she crossed the finish line . Her mom told her how proud she was , and said that she was feeling inspired to sign up for a 5K so she could earn a cool medal , too ; ) Pam ( center ) just completed her first triathlon ! She and her friends embarked on a race that consisted of a 200 - yard swim , 12 - mile bike ride , and 2 - mile run . Pam has run 2 marathons , 11 half - marathons , and dozens of shorter races , but she said the swim was the most challenging for her . She 's proud she didn 't drown ! ; ) ( Pam 's race report ) Hilary ( my " Sole Mate " from my Ragnar SoCal team ) just completed her first triathlon ! She did a 900 - yard swim , 15 - mile bike ride , and a 5K run ( which included 468 feet of elevation gain ! ) . It turned out to be tougher than anticipated , because she had some hydration issues . She was least looking - forward to the bike , but it turned out to be her strongest sport during the race . She is very proud of herself for finishing , and is already planning another triathlon this year ! ( Hilary 's blog ) I just love when baby birds sit there with their mouths wide open . He said the nest is in a spot where it won 't get disturbed , so I hope that nothing happens to them . So cute ! ! I cannot believe how sore I still am from the 12 - miler I did on Friday night ! Out of all the things I expected from the MAF training , being sore was such a surprise to me . At first , I thought it was just normal soreness ( mainly my hips and calves ) , but I was feeling a twinge in my knee that probably isn 't just " normal " soreness . Nothing excruciating , but it was enough to where I noticed it . I tend to pay a lot of attention to the " little twinges " ever since I was injured in 2012 . I was thinking about playing it out for a couple more days , but today was a rest day , and I still felt the little twinge in my knee . So , I 'm going to go with my gut feeling , which is telling me that the MAF heart rate training just isn 't for me . The running feels unnatural when I have to go so much slower than I 'm used to . I 'd like to really give the MAF training a fair shot , but I don 't want to risk injuring my knee ; and the training I 've been doing for the past year and half hasn 't given me any problems at all , so I 'll just stick with what 's worked for me so far . While doing MAF training , you 're not supposed to do strength training ( because it 's anaerobic ) , and I 've been wanting to do the Wii Active 2 that I bought recently . It 's not hardcore strength training , but I really enjoyed the Wii Active 30 - Day Challenge , so I want to try the new challenge on the Active 2 . I 'll start doing that tomorrow , as well as running however it feels " natural " to me . I still really like running without a schedule , and I 've been disciplined enough to well with it , so I 'll continue with that . Eli 's doing much better today . Yesterday , he was feeling pretty good , and even went fishing with my dad for a little while , but his throat was still hurting . I noticed that he looked like he had lost weight , and when I weighed him , he had lost 3 . 5 pounds since surgery - - that 's a lot for a kid his size ! So I told him I 'd take him to Kroger and he could pick out anything at all that he wanted to eat , but he said he didn 't want anything . I offered to get him ice cream from McDonald 's , or let him drink soda ( we never buy soda ) . He turned down every offer I made . I was getting worried , because normally , Eli would sell his soul for some candy or ice cream , but he had no interest in it . I gave him some of his pain medication this afternoon , and then he felt much better . He actually ate a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner , which was the most he 's eaten since surgery . He was talking more today , too . It 's been so quiet around here without his chattering . ; ) Noah left for church camp this afternoon , and he 'll be gone for five whole days . He was really excited , and of course I 'm nervous for him , but I know he 'll have fun . Last year , he went for two days , and loved it . I just hope Eli feels well enough to do some fun one - on - one things with me while Noah is gone . I 've still been doing well with tracking my food . I didn 't track Tuesday through Thursday , because I just had so much on my mind with Eli , and it was hard to focus on anything else ; but , I tracked Friday , Saturday , and today . I 've been making an old favorite for lunch , something my mom taught me to make a long time ago : A broccoli / cauliflower salad in a pita pocket . I 've had everything prepped and ready to assemble in the fridge so that I have no excuse not to eat something healthy for lunch . I chopped up broccoli and cauliflower really small and combined it in a bag , and chopped a red onion . Then , I just mix together : 1 / 2 - 1 cup of the broccoli / cauliflower mixture , 1 Tbsp . red onions , 1 oz . of reduced fat cheddar cheese , 1 / 2 oz . raisins , and 30 g . Bolthouse Farms Yogurt Ranch dressing . Then stuff it all into a pita pocket . I 've found that the key to get me back to tracking is to have everything planned and ready to go . I baked breakfast bars and keep those in the fridge , I prepped the broccoli / cauliflower salad for lunch , and then I 've been using my crock pot a lot for dinner . It 's nice not to have to think about what I 'm going to make or eat , because I 've already planned it out . Once I get back to it for several weeks , I won 't have to plan everything , but for now , it 's working well . I registered for this race at 10 : 00 last night . We were supposed to have thunderstorms today , so I was waiting to see what the weather was going to do . Noah was super enthusiastic about it , and I thought it would be a good way to spend time with just Noah before he goes to church camp for a week ( he leaves tomorrow ) . The race was taking place at the Metropark that I run at frequently ( nowhere near Detroit , even though it was called The Color Vibe Detroit ) . Last night , at 9 : 30 , I realized that I was totally unprepared for this race . I didn 't have a white shirt , and neither did Noah , so Jerry ran to a 24 - hour store to get some white t - shirts . I got up at 6 : 00 , and since the race was so close ( 15 minutes away ) , we didn 't have to leave until about 7 : 30 for the 9 : 00 starting time . I had to get there a little early so that I could pass Eli off to my dad . My dad works at the park , so he offered to take his lunch break and let Eli fish while Noah and I did the race . First , we got our bibs . Something I thought was really great about this race is that kids are free with a registered adult . The cost is quite a bit for a 5K ( especially an untimed one ) , but it was nice that I didn 't have to pay for two registrations . The kids ' registration doesn 't come with a t - shirt or sunglasses , but I just planned to give Noah the ones from my registration . I forgot to bring sunglasses to keep the color powder out of my eyes , so I ended up buying a pair while we were there . I bought Noah a bandana , too . He looked so cute when he was ready ! My dad came and picked up Eli , and Noah and I headed over to the starting line area . There was a stage with a DJ , who was getting everyone pepped up - - and I have to say , this DJ did a phenomenal job at that ! While we waited for the race to start , he was playing music and throwing t - shirts and " color packs " into the crowd . ( When I registered for the race , I had no clue what a color pack was . . . it 's just a small bag with the color powder in it . ) We only had one color pack , which came with my registration . If I 'd have known ahead of time , I would have bought a couple more , because Noah really liked throwing it . I wasn 't sure what to expect with the powder throws . The DJ counted down from three , and then I felt something pelt me in the face and I couldn 't breathe . I pulled off my sunglasses , and tried to clear my eyes . I went to the garbage to throw away Noah 's empty pack , and realized I had dropped my sunglasses that I 'd bought five minutes prior . I looked to where I 'd been standing , and saw a woman pick up a pair of sunglasses , turn to the guy behind her , and ask if they were his . He shrugged and took them . I went over there and said they were mine , so he gave them back to me . ( When I got home , I realized they weren 't actually mine ! They were green and black , not the orange and black ones that I bought . Oops ! ) Noah really liked the color throws , and I was trying hard to catch one of the color packs they were giving away so that he could throw it again . The guy in front of us was pretty tall , and he caught at least three of them . The guy next to him saw that Noah and I were trying to get one , and he gave Noah a packet - - which was so nice of him ! Because my dad was watching Eli , I was in a time crunch . I wanted to make sure we started with the first wave at 9 : 00 . But then they kept delaying the start , because there were still people registering . That 's one of my pet peeves at races - - don 't delay the start to accommodate the people who weren 't there on time ! They finally started the race at 9 : 30 , and the whole time , I was worried about hurrying to the finish line to get Eli from my dad . Noah didn 't have a very good race today . I didn 't know this , but he didn 't drink anything this morning before the race . For a race in July , starting at 9 : 30 , and full sun , that 's pretty rough ! To top it off , most of the race was through grass and some dirt . Running on grass is hard , and very tiring . I could tell Noah was regretting the race , so I just kept trying to get him to focus on the next landmark . ( I didn 't want my Garmin to get ruined from the powder , so I didn 't wear it ; instead of using the cues from the Garmin , we focused on landmarks to gauge when to run and when to walk . Let 's run to that cone up there ; let 's walk to that curve in the path ; etc . ) There were four color stations set up through the run . Basically , the color stations were just volunteers throwing powder at you as you ran past , and each station had a different color . There was one water station , about halfway through , which was a relief to Noah . He took two cups and drank them both , and then I let him drink the one I took . He felt a little better after that , but he was still having a hard time . We ran through the finish , and immediately got Noah some water . I felt bad for him , because he was so excited about this race , but he didn 't enjoy the actual race part at all . He said , " After this race , I feel like I won 't be able to do another 5K . " I tried to explain to him that everybody has races , or even training runs , like that . Sometimes , an " easy three miler " feels like I 'm going to keel over and die ; and I 've had runs where I float right through 12 miles at a fast pace . It depends on a whole bunch of factors , and today just wasn 't his day . He definitely learned a lesson about properly hydrating before a race ! Day three after Eli 's surgery , and he was doing much better today ! He only complained about the pain once , and he was able to eat and drink quite a bit more than the past couple of days . He still had a very low - key day , lying on the couch watching movies and playing video games , but he 's starting to get restless ( which is good , because it means he 's feeling good enough to want to move around ) . The doctor said he shouldn 't be active for about two weeks post - op . This morning , I was able to harvest a tiny tomato from my garden ! I can 't remember if I wrote about it or not , but my friend Hilary planted a garden in one of those blue plastic pools , and I thought it was a great idea for my first garden . I 've always wanted a garden , but it was so intimidating that I never attempted it . When I saw Hilary 's , I thought it looked simple enough . The plants grew really quickly ! I wasn 't sure what to expect , because I 'd never planted anything before , but I was really surprised at how huge the tomato plant got . I am not a big tomato fan , so I only planted the one - - which is good , because it 's huge . Now , the pool pretty much looks like a jungle . There are a couple of green peppers that aren 't very big , and we got a few strawberries . There were lots of tomatoes , but they would get almost ripe , but then the bottom would turn brown and gross . I had no idea what was wrong with them . But today , I plucked a tiny , perfectly ripe tomato from the plant , and was excited to eat it ( even though I don 't really like raw tomatoes ) . I made an English muffin , and topped it with the sliced tomato , and then a scrambled egg with cheese . It was so good ! I 'm looking forward to some more tomatoes . I showed the kids , and took a few pictures of it , and then decided to pull it off and get it out of the garden . That sucker was clinging to my plant for dear life , and it was hard to pull him off ! I didn 't want to touch it , so I used a paper towel to get him , and then I moved him to the tree in the backyard . Hopefully , he won 't find his way back to the garden , because I might not be so nice next time . I posted a picture of it on Instagram , and learned it 's a tomato hornworm , and they do a lot of damage to gardens . Jerry 's work schedule right now makes it really difficult for me to get in my runs , unless I run on the treadmill or go in the evenings . Today , I planned to do a long run ( 12 miles ) , so I really didn 't want to do that on the treadmill . I had to wait until 6 : 30 to head outside . With the low - heart rate training I 'm doing , I was afraid it was going to be completely dark by the time I got home . The goal was to keep my heart rate between 138 - 148 , so I decided to aim for the low end of the range in the beginning , even though it meant going slower . That way , when my heart rate naturally rose later in the run , my pace would be a little more consistent . It started to rain just 2 . 5 miles in , and normally , I like running in the rain . But I still had nearly 10 miles to go , and wet shoes = blisters . Thankfully , it was just a drizzle , which felt really good . I am really surprised at how sore and achey I get from running at this slower pace . My legs were aching from hip to toe by mile eight , and I almost called Jerry for a ride . I imagine I 'm just using different muscles when I run slowly , but I didn 't realize what a big impact it would have . By the time I got home , I felt like I 'd just run a marathon . I was pretty frustrated the last few miles , because I was running so slowly , but my heart rate was still hanging out at 147 - 148 . Every time it hit 148 , my Garmin would beep , so I 'd have to slow down even more , and I was getting irritated with it . But the one thing I really like about this MAF training is that I enjoy the actual running part more . I don 't get out of breath , I can look around and see what 's going on around me , or search for change on the ground ( today I found 6 whole cents ) . My pace got slower and slower as the run went on , and since I was going 12 miles , I 'd underestimated how long it would take me . I got home just before 9 : 00 ( which is why this post is late going up ) . It was just getting dark outside . Another mile , and I would have been running in the dark ! I did 12 miles with an average heart rate of 144 and pace of 11 : 45 . And now I 'm ridiculously sore . Last week , Noah asked me if I 'd do a Color Vibe 5K with him tomorrow , and I tried to get my brother , Nathan , to do it instead ; but he 's busy , so I told Noah I would . I hate getting messy , and mud runs , color runs , foam runs , etc . , don 't appeal to me at all . But I 'm happy that Noah 's excited about running , and that he asked to do a race , so I 'm going to suck it up and run while people throw powder at me . ; ) Posted by Another day of waiting on Eli . He was a little less demanding today , which was nice ; ) He did well through the night , but woke up at 4 : 00 this morning in a lot of pain . Then when I tried to give him his pain meds , he couldn 't swallow . It wasn 't just that it hurt , but he physically couldn 't get it down ( it 's liquid , not a pill ) . We waited about an hour , and tried again , and then he was able to take it . He still hasn 't been able to eat much as far as solid food goes . Today , he had a couple of Ensure shakes , but that 's it . I 've been pretty much losing my mind with boredom . I can only watch so much Curious George and Cutthroat Kitchen with him ! Today , I did some organization projects around the house , which actually felt good to get done . Noah was at my parents ' house all day , so it was just me and Eli today . I hope that he heals fast ! On Monday , I posted about that boy Ben who entered the contest to get on the cover of Runner 's World . Normally , I hate popularity contests ( where people ask for votes in order to win something ) , and when I heard Runner 's World was doing one , I decided not to get caught up in it . But being stuck on the couch with Eli for the past few days , I 've been reading through some of the other entries , and one really pulled at my heartstrings today . I guess you could say I got caught up in it ; ) This is Andrew Peterson . He has intellectual disability , which of course made me think of Mark . He said that when he was a child , the other kids at school couldn 't understand his speech , and a lot of kids would make fun of him ( Mark was very difficult to understand as well ) . Andrew couldn 't understand the rules of the recess games at school , so he started walking laps on the playground , and eventually running . Turned out he was pretty fast ! I kept thinking of Mark the entire time I listened to it , and it made me sad . Andrew thanked his speech therapist for helping him to be understood , and it made me wonder what would have happened if Mark had had the opportunity to work with a speech therapist at a young age ( or even as an adult ) . I especially loved when Andrew said , " Special Olympics means more than winning . It gives we , the athletes , good chance to improve our fitness ; compete with others who have equal abilities ; feel good about ourselves ; being an extended family ; and show everyone that each person with an intellectual disability is not a nobody , but a somebody who can contribute to society . " When Jerry got home , I was debating whether to go for a run or go grocery shopping . We were in desperate need of groceries , but I felt like I should run a few miles at least . . . so I ended up running to the grocery store ( literally ) . Kroger is a little over three miles away , so I told Jerry to meet me there at 8 : 00 with my purse and my water bottle , and I headed out . It was hotter than yesterday , but still a pretty nice run . I kept my heart rate in the MAF zone ( 138 - 148 ) . I did 3 . 23 miles at an 11 : 08 pace with an average heart rate of 145 . Very similar to yesterday 's run . It was a rough night with Eli last night . He was in a lot of pain , and we woke him up every three hours to give him pain meds . I hated to wake him , but it would have been so much worse to have him wake up on his own , miserable with pain . I didn 't really sleep at all , because I was worried about Eli . I kept checking to make sure he was breathing ( haven 't done that since Noah was a newborn ! ) . He slept in until about 8 : 30 , but he was in so much pain when he woke up . I hated seeing him like that ! I felt so guilty and horrible for having gone through with the surgery . He couldn 't even talk , and he cried when trying to swallow his meds . I propped him up in my bed to watch a movie , and sometime during the movie , he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a note card and a pencil : As his mother , I could decipher what he wrote : " Can you get peanut butter M & M 's ? " Hahaha ! Even though I doubted he 'd be able to eat them , I told him of course I would . I just went to the corner store and bought some , along with a slushy . He ate an M & M by letting it melt on his tongue , but it was right after that when I noticed he really perked up . He ate the M & M 's , about a cup of ice cream , and half his slushy . Not exactly a nutritious breakfast , but I was happy that he ate something . For lunch , he ate some Ramen noodles , and then about an hour later , he said he felt sick . Sure enough , he threw up everything he 'd eaten . After he threw up , he said he wanted shrimp from Red Lobster ( so random ! ) . I told him that we couldn 't go to Red Lobster , because he was sick - - and he couldn 't throw up at the restaurant . He got really mad at me , and basically gave me the silent treatment all afternoon . I actually felt good about that , because he was back to his normal self ; ) My mom brought him shrimp scampi and popcorn shrimp from Red Lobster for dinner , and he ate the scampi without problems . Even though today was supposed to be a relaxing day , I was exhausted by the time Jerry got home . I was waiting on Eli hand and foot , and that was anything - but relaxing . I didn 't have a chance to shower , so I felt greasy and I felt lazy for not running . Anyway , at around 7 : 30 , I decided that I wanted to go for an evening run . I never run in the evenings ; the last time I did was during Ragnar SoCal , and I can 't remember the time before that . A couple of miles in , I saw a baby bird on the side of the road , and as I passed by , it opened its beak really wide and looked at me . I kept going , but I felt bad for not stopping and shooing it away from the road . I decided to look for it after I turned around . On the way back , the poor bird was in the very center of the road . Cars drive really fast down that road , so I stopped to move the bird . I tried to nudge him with my toe , but again , he opened his beak wide and looked up at me . I put my hand down next to him , thinking that would probably scare him , but he just jumped right into my hand and sat there . I carried him to someone 's yard and set him down in their landscaping , hoping that he 'd stay put and not get run over in the street . About a mile from home , there was a guy running with his dog not very far ahead of me . Since I was running slow as molasses , I figured he 'd be long gone ; but he must have been running the same pace as me , because we stayed the same distance apart for a long time . He turned and saw me a couple of times , but I figured I 'd lose him when I turned onto my road . He ended up turning onto my street , and unless I wanted to run farther than five miles , I had no choice but to follow him . I was only about 300 feet or so behind him , and I was gaining on him a little . He saw that I was still behind him , and started doing some goofy dance moves . I said , " I swear I 'm not following you ! " We ran down the rest of my street together , and he said he was doing his long run ( 9 . 5 miles ) . He said I 'm the first person he 's ever seen out running around here , and I told him that I usually run in the mornings . His dog was all over the place , and nearly clotheslined me a couple of times , which is why my pace got all wacky at the end of my run . Yesterday , I did five miles at 11 : 27 pace and 145 average heart rate . Today 's was five miles at 11 : 09 pace and 144 average heart rate . It 's hard to compare runs when the weather is so different , though . I 'm just hoping that the general trend over four weeks is in the right direction . We 'll see . Anyway , I loved running just before the sun went down , and I may do that more often . It was nice ! Poor Eli . Today was his surgery , and it was a very long day ! Yesterday , we were told to go to children 's hospital at 10 : 45 this morning , which was nice because we didn 't have to rush out the door or anything today . I got up and went for a run at 6 : 30 . I ran five miles at my MAF heart rate , and I was so frustrated with how slowly I have to run to keep my heart rate down . Several times , I felt like if I slowed down at all , I 'd be walking . My pace was slower than last week , but it was also nearly 100 % humidity and very hot today ( unlike last week 's cool spell ) . I was tempted to just say screw it , and pick up the pace , but I really want to give this MAF training a fair shot . Anyway , I ran five miles in 57 : 27 ( an 11 : 27 / mi pace ) , with an average heart rate of 145 . When I got home , I put together a bag for the hospital , and we got ready to head out . We took Noah to my parents ' house , and then Jerry and I took Eli to the hospital . We went up to the fourth floor , and we had to wait in a waiting room for what seemed like forever . Eli was hungry , and he wasn 't allowed to eat anything . There were signs all over the waiting room that said , " I 'm fasting . Please enjoy your food and drinks on the second floor " or something like that . The receptionist even told us that they don 't allow food or drinks in the waiting area out of respect for the kids who are fasting for surgery . There were two women who came in and were sitting right next to us , and then they pulled out drinks and chocolate - covered something or other , and were eating it right in front of Eli ( and the other kids ) . I was so irritated that they were so inconsiderate , especially when it was made very clear there was no eating or drinking in there . We had been waiting for what felt like forever - - we had arrived at 10 : 00 , and we were finally called to pre - op at 12 : 00 or so . My mom had bought him new pajamas for his surgery , so he wore those and brought a little stuffed animal from Noah - - an enderman ( ? ) from Minecraft . He wasn 't really worried about the surgery at all . His biggest concern was whether they were going to give him a shot to put him to sleep or use a mask to put him to sleep . The anesthesiologist came in to talk to us , and explained exactly what they were going to do . Eli was relieved that they were going to use a mask to put him to sleep , and then they would do the IV while he was sleeping . She asked if Eli had any loose teeth , and he pointed out several . I told her if they could pull any of them while he was sleeping , that 'd be awesome ; ) She said they didn 't really feel ready to come out , but sometimes the instrument they use for intubating is really hard on the two front teeth , so if they 're loose enough , they may just get pulled . At around 1 : 00 , they finally came to take him to the OR . Jerry and I walked down the hall with him , and then we had to say goodbye . It was WAY harder for me than it was for Eli , I know , but I managed not to cry or get too emotional when giving him a kiss goodbye . Jerry and I went downstairs to grab some lunch , and after about 40 minutes , our pager started flashing , meaning the doctor was ready to talk to us . The doctor said everything went really well , and they ended up having to pull his two front teeth - - yay ! ( Those teeth were looking bad - - they needed to come out ) . You can already see his adult teeth there . He told us what to expect during recovery , and said we could go see Eli in about an hour , after he was awake and stable . It was such a long hour ! We waited in the waiting room , and when the pager went off again , we got to go see Eli . Apparently , after they woke him up , he gave them a huge cough and blood just went everywhere . Someone was still cleaning it up off the floor when we got there . Eli looked really spacey , and couldn 't really talk . I felt so bad for him ! I just wanted to hold him and make the pain go away , but obviously there was nothing I could do . The nurses said he was in a lot of pain when he first came out , but they gave him pain meds , and by the time we got there , they were starting to kick in . He was able to eat a slushie , but he was still really drowsy and not very alert . The nurse said he should probably stay until he 's a little more awake , so we stayed for about an hour and and a half . He perked up a bit when Jerry let him play a game on his phone . We got him dressed in his pajamas again , and the nurse took out his IV . Finally , at around 4 : 15 , we left the hospital . He did pretty well during the car ride home , thanks to the pain meds we gave him right before we left , but now that we 're home , it 's not going so well . He wants to eat really badly , but whenever he tries , he ends up crying because his throat hurts . I 've tried broth , ice cream , popsicles , water , and soda , and all of it hurts going down . He even said , " I don 't like my life " and when I asked what he meant , he said that he doesn 't like his life because he had to have surgery . I just wish I could make him feel better ! I 've been watching the clock to be able to give him his next dose of pain medicine . Tomorrow , we 're going to have a very low - key day of watching movies . I didn 't have surgery , but I am definitely looking forward to a relaxing day with the kids ! Hopefully Eli feels better tomorrow . Happy Motivational Monday ! Hopefully everyone has had a great week . I am really happy that I got back to tracking my food , and I ate really well all week long . Last week , I said I was going to go back to Weight Watchers this Wednesday , but I forgot about Eli 's surgery . The next few days are going to be completely out of routine , because Eli is getting his tonsils and adenoids removed tomorrow . I have no idea how long it will take him to get back to normal , but I 'm hoping he doesn 't have a rough time with recovery . He 's really excited about the surgery , because the doctor told him he could eat anything he wants to after surgery - - ice cream for breakfast , lunch , and dinner , if that 's what he wants . So I may have a tough time staying on track this week ; ) You may have seen on social media that Runner 's World is having a contest to be on the cover of their magazine . I know several people that are asking for votes , so I 'm staying completely out of the voting game , but someone sent me a link today to the bio for a boy named Ben , and I thought it was perfect to share for Motivational Monday ! What is more inspiring than this photo ? ! He lost his leg to cancer when he was just six years old . I would love to see this kid on the cover of my favorite magazine ! Unfortunately , the rules say you must be 18 or older ( and I 'm making a wild guess that he 's under 18 ) . Anyway , I just loved that picture - - not just that he 's a kid , or an amputee , or a cancer survivor . . . but that he 's also out there running in the pouring rain ! Maegan just celebrated her six - month anniversary since starting Weight Watchers , and she 's down 40 pounds ! She started at 212 pounds , and is currently at 172 , so she 's more than halfway to her goal weight of 135 . Maegan has even started to run a little - - it 's a slow - going journey for her , but she 's not giving up and is making more and more progress . ( Maegan 's blog ) Finally , I just have to share my own submission for Motivational Monday . Not me , but my kids and my mom ! Noah , Eli , and my mom all completed their first 5K on Saturday - - and they did awesome . My mom said the kids motivated her to keep going , and the kids are already excited about doing another race . It was a big success for all three of them ! Don 't forget to check out more stories on the Motivational Monday Facebook post ! Also , if you have a photo you 'd like to share for Motivational Monday , you can email it to me ( along with a brief description ) at : Katie ( at ) runsforcookies ( dot ) com with the subject Motivational Monday , and I may include it on a MM post . Anything that you 're proud of is worth celebrating ! A lot of people have been asking me how I make the shirts with lettering , so I thought I 'd put together a tutorial . It 's really very amateur , and if you have any sewing skills whatsoever , I 'm sure you could do a much better job ! But to keep things super cheap and simple , this is how I add lettering to a shirt . Here are a couple of examples of shirts I 've made this way : * A shirt ( that can be ironed . . . I 've used sweatshirts , t - shirts , and tech shirts without problems ) . For this tutorial , I used a track jacket that I found at a thrift store . It had embroidery on the left chest part , so I ripped out the embroidery and wanted to cover it with my name . First , iron the fabric that you plan to use for the lettering to make sure it 's nice and smooth . Then , you 'll use the letter stencil to trace out your letters onto your fabric with the fabric pencil ( or pen , in my case ) . I like to flip the stencil over , and trace onto the WRONG side of the fabric , so that the ink isn 't visible once it 's done . Press down on the wax paper with your hand ( not the iron yet ) and smooth it out . Then , you 'll cut out each letter , making sure to cut through the fabric , glue , and wax paper all at the same time . If you use pen , it 's easy to see through the wax paper . Now , the letters should be a layer of fabric , a layer of the glue web , and a layer of wax paper . Next , you 'll peel the wax paper off , and place the letters ( sticky glue side down ) on your shirt exactly as you 'd like them to be permanently . Until you iron them , they are moveable , so you can adjust them . Just make sure the glue stays with the fabric . After placing the letters where you want them , carefully cover them with a scrap of fabric ( or press cloth ) . You don 't want to press the iron directly onto the letters or your shirt , so the fabric is just a thin barrier to protect them . I put the iron on the synthetic setting , but just use your discretion . Iron very well , making sure to press all the edges and corners of each letter . At this point , you could probably just leave it as - is , but I always like to reinforce it by stitching the edges . I 'm not sure how the lettering would hold up in the washer if you just rely on the glue . ( For Eli 's race shirt , I didn 't do the top - stitching , but the letters stayed on fine during the race . I 'll update after I 've washed it ) . When using denim letters , like I did on the sweatshirt , I especially like to reinforce with stitching , because the letters fray a little on the edges - - and I like that look ! For the jacket , I just chose to use a white thread . Use the sewing machine to sew as closely as possible around each letter . ( Don 't try to sew the letters without doing the webbing part above , though - - they will be really difficult to sew . ) Are you sitting down ? Get comfy , because this is a doozy of a post . And actually , this post is terrifying for me to write . I have bee . . . I have decided to take an indefinite break from running . I had gotten tired of always feeling like it was a chore - - I lost my passion for it . I hope to get it back someday ; but if I don 't , that 's okay , too . I enjoy living an active lifestyle , and running doesn 't have to be a part of that if I don 't have the passion for it . 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Thank you all so much for your kind words of support about Paolo . Even though I know we made the right decision , it still just feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders . This year has been a challenge for me , that 's for sure ! With Sarah dying from melanoma , seeing Mark deteriorate and finally pass away , my emotional eating taking a toll on my weight , and now Paolo - - it 's been a lot to handle . But I have some really great things going on this summer and fall that can hopefully turn things around , starting with Punta Cana in a few weeks ! I thought the other three cats might act differently without Paolo around , but they don 't seem to notice . Eli told me today that he bets that Paolo is in Heaven and annoying God with his constant meowing and begging to turn on the water faucet ; ) It 's funny what goes through kids ' minds ! I took a rest day today , not only because I felt like I needed it , but also because my knee is still giving me issues after that 12 - mile run on Friday . It seemed okay when I ran / walked with Noah on Saturday , and hadn 't been a bother during Monday or Tuesday 's runs . Then , I did strength training yesterday , and ever since then , I can really feel it . It 's definitely something I could run through if I wanted , but after my past experience with knee injury , I 'm not taking any chances . I 'm going to rest it completely until it 's 100 % better . My next race isn 't until October , so there isn 't any rush at all . Based on the location of the pain , I 'm pretty sure it 's my IT band ; so today , I used the foam roller and rested most of the day . I really wanted to go for a long walk this morning , but I could feel the twinge in my knee just walking around the house , so I figured it would be best not to . Better safe than sorry ! Eli asked me if we could go miniature golfing , so I said sure . I think he 's getting bored without Noah around ! We went and played a round of mini golf , and it was nice spending time with him . When we got in the car to go home , he asked if we could go out for ice cream . This started a big battle in my head - - of course I wanted ice cream ! I love ice cream . But I am trying really hard to stay on track , and I couldn 't afford to fit a flurry into my calories today , especially since I can 't run right now . As I was driving home , this battle in my head was going back and forth , back and forth . ( Of course , I could have just told Eli no to the ice cream , but now that he 's able to eat after his surgery , I didn 't see anything wrong with him having an ice cream ) . It went something like this : I pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream place , and just sat there , debating . I know this sounds ridiculous , but this situation was SO tempting for me . It would be like asking a recovering alcoholic to go buy his favorite drink for a friend , pay for it , and carry it over and hand it to him - - without getting one himself . I called Jerry , and I thought , " If he doesn 't answer , I 'm just going to order one " . He answered just before his voicemail picked up . I told him the situation , and he tried to be helpful , but in my mind , I think I already knew what the answer was . Ultimately , I decided to get Eli his flurry , and I didn 't get anything for myself . It 's interesting , because when I was losing weight , I did things like this all the time , and it wasn 't nearly this difficult . I was used to going to parties and turning down food ; taking the kids out for ice cream , and not getting anything myself ; sorting Halloween candy with the kids , and not eating so much as an M & M ( unless I 'd planned it out first and counted the calories for it ) . I was so stubborn , and so determined . For the past year or so , however , I 've somehow developed this " you only live once " attitude , and I 've been choosing the instant gratification ( food ) over my long term goals ( staying at a healthy weight ) . I kind of feel like today was a big step in the right direction . I faced my biggest temptation , and I overcame it . After Eli had finished his ice cream , I was really glad that I hadn 't gotten any . If I had , I 'm sure it wouldn 't have stopped with the ice cream - - it would have put me over my calories for the day , so I would likely have said , " Oh , well , might as well have this , too . . . " and then , " I 'll just start over tomorrow " . I swear , those five words , " I 'll just start over tomorrow " , should be banished from existence ! ; ) Noah comes home on Friday , and he has no idea that we are planning a surprise birthday party for him . We had celebrated his birthday a couple of weeks ago with my family , but we told him we 'd have to plan his " friends party " in August , because of the timing and Jerry 's work schedule . So on Friday , Jerry will go pick him up from the church , and I 'll stay here with his friends . And then they 'll surprise him when he comes home after being at camp for a week . Noah is going to be SO excited , I 'm sure of it . So tomorrow , we have to get everything ready for the big surprise on Friday . I can 't wait ! I didn 't want four cats , however , so instead of bringing him inside , I started trying to find a home for him . One of the moms I knew from the kids ' preschool said she would take him , and that ended up being a disaster . She lied about a lot of things , and ended up dumping Paolo back at my house . I refused to have a fourth cat , so I kept trying to find him a home . But one night , it was raining , and the poor cat was huddled in the cat carrier that I set outside for him . My heart broke for him , so I let him in . And he really hasn 't been outside ever since ! I never did find him a home , so he became our fourth cat , and we named him Paolo ( going with the Friends theme in naming our pets ) . Paolo was a quirky cat - - very snobby , but to the point where it was humorous . When we 'd set food in front of him , he 'd sniff it and then turn his nose in the air like , " You really expect me to eat that ? Where 's my tuna tartare ? " He was very lovable , though , and adored to be petted and fussed over . When I 'd get out his brush , he was right at my feet , waiting for me to groom him , while the other cats ran and hid . Whenever anyone would pet him , he 'd spread his toes wide and then curl them back in , like he was trying to grab onto you and not let go . He had an obsession with water , and he would only drink water that was pouring from the faucet . When he was thirsty , he 'd run to the bathtub and start meowing until we 'd turn it on for him ( yes , he trained us ) . Eventually , I bought him a cat drinking fountain , so he 'd always have running water to drink . Even then , he still liked the actual faucet . Paolo never really learned his name . The other three cats come when we call their names , but Paolo would come when we 'd call ANY of the cats ' names . All you had to do was make a ticking noise with your tongue or call one of the cats ' names , and Paolo would be there , thinking you wanted to shower him with attention . We knew Paolo was old , but we weren 't sure just HOW old . Over the past year , I started to think that maybe he was even older than than the 10 - 12 years we 'd originally guessed , because he started to act differently . He started showing all the signs of feline dementia , and for the past few months , the symptoms were getting much worse . We took him to the vet to rule out disease or something curable , and learned that sure enough , he was " normal " - - just getting old . A couple of nights ago , Paolo was really agitated , and was meowing really loudly and pacing around the house . If a cat can " look " confused , he most certainly did . He was finding spots to hide , he wasn 't eating , he was sleeping almost constantly , he didn 't enjoy being groomed or even petted much anymore , and he 'd gotten even skinnier than he already was ( you could see all of his bones ) . His fur looked terrible , and his eyes were glazed over . Jerry and I started to think that it was time to make a decision about euthanizing him . I felt horrible about it , but Paolo really seemed miserable . I looked up symptoms of a dying cat , and Paolo pretty much had the entire checklist . I couldn 't bear the thought of taking him to the vet , so Jerry did it . The vet checked out Paolo , and said he agreed that Paolo 's time had come . I don 't want to write about the rest , but Jerry stayed with Paolo the whole time , and said it was peaceful . We only had Paolo for three years , but I had gotten attached to him . Jerry and I liked to poke fun at his little quirks , and we always joked , " Oh , we 're still looking for a home for him ! " when someone would ask , but we knew that he had become our cat . The house seems different without him now . Happy Motivational Monday ! I can 't believe it 's almost August already . This summer is just flying by ! I did really well with tracking my food this week . There were a few days that I didn 't track , because of Eli 's surgery , but I wasn 't pigging out , either . I 'm really happy with how the week went as far as my food . I think what I am actually most proud of this week , though , is recognizing that the MAF heart rate training just wasn 't the right fit for me , and choosing not to continue with it . I ran three miles this morning at a 9 : 03 / mi pace , which gave me an average heart rate of 167 ( my MAF range was 138 - 148 ) . It felt really good to push myself , and feel out of breath when I was done . My knee feels totally fine , so I 'm glad that it doesn 't seem to be injured from the 12 - mile MAF run on Friday night . Anyway , the whole point of all this is that I am happy with my decision to stop the MAF training , and I think it was best for me . Alicia is VERY excited to have reached a huge milestone this week - - she reached her Weight Watchers goal weight ! ! She struggled with her weight her entire life , and even joined WW at age 15 . She rejoined several times through the years , but never saw it through to reach her goal weight . She rejoined last July for the final time , and has lost 60 pounds since . She also started to run , and her first 5K was my Runs for Cookies Virtual 5K in January . Sadly , Alicia recently lost a dear friend , Joy , to ALS . And now she runs for Joy , because Joy spent three years in a wheelchair , and couldn 't do all of the amazing things that Alicia 's body was capable of doing . When all she wanted to do was eat to numb the pain , she ran for Joy instead : ) This weekend , Sam ran her first half - marathon ! She has lost 80 pounds , and says that this race was the hardest and most rewarding thing she 's ever done . The best part of the race was seeing her mom 's face as she crossed the finish line . Her mom told her how proud she was , and said that she was feeling inspired to sign up for a 5K so she could earn a cool medal , too ; ) Pam ( center ) just completed her first triathlon ! She and her friends embarked on a race that consisted of a 200 - yard swim , 12 - mile bike ride , and 2 - mile run . Pam has run 2 marathons , 11 half - marathons , and dozens of shorter races , but she said the swim was the most challenging for her . She 's proud she didn 't drown ! ; ) ( Pam 's race report ) Hilary ( my " Sole Mate " from my Ragnar SoCal team ) just completed her first triathlon ! She did a 900 - yard swim , 15 - mile bike ride , and a 5K run ( which included 468 feet of elevation gain ! ) . It turned out to be tougher than anticipated , because she had some hydration issues . She was least looking - forward to the bike , but it turned out to be her strongest sport during the race . She is very proud of herself for finishing , and is already planning another triathlon this year ! ( Hilary 's blog ) I just love when baby birds sit there with their mouths wide open . He said the nest is in a spot where it won 't get disturbed , so I hope that nothing happens to them . So cute ! ! I cannot believe how sore I still am from the 12 - miler I did on Friday night ! Out of all the things I expected from the MAF training , being sore was such a surprise to me . At first , I thought it was just normal soreness ( mainly my hips and calves ) , but I was feeling a twinge in my knee that probably isn 't just " normal " soreness . Nothing excruciating , but it was enough to where I noticed it . I tend to pay a lot of attention to the " little twinges " ever since I was injured in 2012 . I was thinking about playing it out for a couple more days , but today was a rest day , and I still felt the little twinge in my knee . So , I 'm going to go with my gut feeling , which is telling me that the MAF heart rate training just isn 't for me . The running feels unnatural when I have to go so much slower than I 'm used to . I 'd like to really give the MAF training a fair shot , but I don 't want to risk injuring my knee ; and the training I 've been doing for the past year and half hasn 't given me any problems at all , so I 'll just stick with what 's worked for me so far . While doing MAF training , you 're not supposed to do strength training ( because it 's anaerobic ) , and I 've been wanting to do the Wii Active 2 that I bought recently . It 's not hardcore strength training , but I really enjoyed the Wii Active 30 - Day Challenge , so I want to try the new challenge on the Active 2 . I 'll start doing that tomorrow , as well as running however it feels " natural " to me . I still really like running without a schedule , and I 've been disciplined enough to well with it , so I 'll continue with that . Eli 's doing much better today . Yesterday , he was feeling pretty good , and even went fishing with my dad for a little while , but his throat was still hurting . I noticed that he looked like he had lost weight , and when I weighed him , he had lost 3 . 5 pounds since surgery - - that 's a lot for a kid his size ! So I told him I 'd take him to Kroger and he could pick out anything at all that he wanted to eat , but he said he didn 't want anything . I offered to get him ice cream from McDonald 's , or let him drink soda ( we never buy soda ) . He turned down every offer I made . I was getting worried , because normally , Eli would sell his soul for some candy or ice cream , but he had no interest in it . I gave him some of his pain medication this afternoon , and then he felt much better . He actually ate a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner , which was the most he 's eaten since surgery . He was talking more today , too . It 's been so quiet around here without his chattering . ; ) Noah left for church camp this afternoon , and he 'll be gone for five whole days . He was really excited , and of course I 'm nervous for him , but I know he 'll have fun . Last year , he went for two days , and loved it . I just hope Eli feels well enough to do some fun one - on - one things with me while Noah is gone . I 've still been doing well with tracking my food . I didn 't track Tuesday through Thursday , because I just had so much on my mind with Eli , and it was hard to focus on anything else ; but , I tracked Friday , Saturday , and today . I 've been making an old favorite for lunch , something my mom taught me to make a long time ago : A broccoli / cauliflower salad in a pita pocket . I 've had everything prepped and ready to assemble in the fridge so that I have no excuse not to eat something healthy for lunch . I chopped up broccoli and cauliflower really small and combined it in a bag , and chopped a red onion . Then , I just mix together : 1 / 2 - 1 cup of the broccoli / cauliflower mixture , 1 Tbsp . red onions , 1 oz . of reduced fat cheddar cheese , 1 / 2 oz . raisins , and 30 g . Bolthouse Farms Yogurt Ranch dressing . Then stuff it all into a pita pocket . I 've found that the key to get me back to tracking is to have everything planned and ready to go . I baked breakfast bars and keep those in the fridge , I prepped the broccoli / cauliflower salad for lunch , and then I 've been using my crock pot a lot for dinner . It 's nice not to have to think about what I 'm going to make or eat , because I 've already planned it out . Once I get back to it for several weeks , I won 't have to plan everything , but for now , it 's working well . I registered for this race at 10 : 00 last night . We were supposed to have thunderstorms today , so I was waiting to see what the weather was going to do . Noah was super enthusiastic about it , and I thought it would be a good way to spend time with just Noah before he goes to church camp for a week ( he leaves tomorrow ) . The race was taking place at the Metropark that I run at frequently ( nowhere near Detroit , even though it was called The Color Vibe Detroit ) . Last night , at 9 : 30 , I realized that I was totally unprepared for this race . I didn 't have a white shirt , and neither did Noah , so Jerry ran to a 24 - hour store to get some white t - shirts . I got up at 6 : 00 , and since the race was so close ( 15 minutes away ) , we didn 't have to leave until about 7 : 30 for the 9 : 00 starting time . I had to get there a little early so that I could pass Eli off to my dad . My dad works at the park , so he offered to take his lunch break and let Eli fish while Noah and I did the race . First , we got our bibs . Something I thought was really great about this race is that kids are free with a registered adult . The cost is quite a bit for a 5K ( especially an untimed one ) , but it was nice that I didn 't have to pay for two registrations . The kids ' registration doesn 't come with a t - shirt or sunglasses , but I just planned to give Noah the ones from my registration . I forgot to bring sunglasses to keep the color powder out of my eyes , so I ended up buying a pair while we were there . I bought Noah a bandana , too . He looked so cute when he was ready ! My dad came and picked up Eli , and Noah and I headed over to the starting line area . There was a stage with a DJ , who was getting everyone pepped up - - and I have to say , this DJ did a phenomenal job at that ! While we waited for the race to start , he was playing music and throwing t - shirts and " color packs " into the crowd . ( When I registered for the race , I had no clue what a color pack was . . . it 's just a small bag with the color powder in it . ) We only had one color pack , which came with my registration . If I 'd have known ahead of time , I would have bought a couple more , because Noah really liked throwing it . I wasn 't sure what to expect with the powder throws . The DJ counted down from three , and then I felt something pelt me in the face and I couldn 't breathe . I pulled off my sunglasses , and tried to clear my eyes . I went to the garbage to throw away Noah 's empty pack , and realized I had dropped my sunglasses that I 'd bought five minutes prior . I looked to where I 'd been standing , and saw a woman pick up a pair of sunglasses , turn to the guy behind her , and ask if they were his . He shrugged and took them . I went over there and said they were mine , so he gave them back to me . ( When I got home , I realized they weren 't actually mine ! They were green and black , not the orange and black ones that I bought . Oops ! ) Noah really liked the color throws , and I was trying hard to catch one of the color packs they were giving away so that he could throw it again . The guy in front of us was pretty tall , and he caught at least three of them . The guy next to him saw that Noah and I were trying to get one , and he gave Noah a packet - - which was so nice of him ! Because my dad was watching Eli , I was in a time crunch . I wanted to make sure we started with the first wave at 9 : 00 . But then they kept delaying the start , because there were still people registering . That 's one of my pet peeves at races - - don 't delay the start to accommodate the people who weren 't there on time ! They finally started the race at 9 : 30 , and the whole time , I was worried about hurrying to the finish line to get Eli from my dad . Noah didn 't have a very good race today . I didn 't know this , but he didn 't drink anything this morning before the race . For a race in July , starting at 9 : 30 , and full sun , that 's pretty rough ! To top it off , most of the race was through grass and some dirt . Running on grass is hard , and very tiring . I could tell Noah was regretting the race , so I just kept trying to get him to focus on the next landmark . ( I didn 't want my Garmin to get ruined from the powder , so I didn 't wear it ; instead of using the cues from the Garmin , we focused on landmarks to gauge when to run and when to walk . Let 's run to that cone up there ; let 's walk to that curve in the path ; etc . ) There were four color stations set up through the run . Basically , the color stations were just volunteers throwing powder at you as you ran past , and each station had a different color . There was one water station , about halfway through , which was a relief to Noah . He took two cups and drank them both , and then I let him drink the one I took . He felt a little better after that , but he was still having a hard time . We ran through the finish , and immediately got Noah some water . I felt bad for him , because he was so excited about this race , but he didn 't enjoy the actual race part at all . He said , " After this race , I feel like I won 't be able to do another 5K . " I tried to explain to him that everybody has races , or even training runs , like that . Sometimes , an " easy three miler " feels like I 'm going to keel over and die ; and I 've had runs where I float right through 12 miles at a fast pace . It depends on a whole bunch of factors , and today just wasn 't his day . He definitely learned a lesson about properly hydrating before a race ! Day three after Eli 's surgery , and he was doing much better today ! He only complained about the pain once , and he was able to eat and drink quite a bit more than the past couple of days . He still had a very low - key day , lying on the couch watching movies and playing video games , but he 's starting to get restless ( which is good , because it means he 's feeling good enough to want to move around ) . The doctor said he shouldn 't be active for about two weeks post - op . This morning , I was able to harvest a tiny tomato from my garden ! I can 't remember if I wrote about it or not , but my friend Hilary planted a garden in one of those blue plastic pools , and I thought it was a great idea for my first garden . I 've always wanted a garden , but it was so intimidating that I never attempted it . When I saw Hilary 's , I thought it looked simple enough . The plants grew really quickly ! I wasn 't sure what to expect , because I 'd never planted anything before , but I was really surprised at how huge the tomato plant got . I am not a big tomato fan , so I only planted the one - - which is good , because it 's huge . Now , the pool pretty much looks like a jungle . There are a couple of green peppers that aren 't very big , and we got a few strawberries . There were lots of tomatoes , but they would get almost ripe , but then the bottom would turn brown and gross . I had no idea what was wrong with them . But today , I plucked a tiny , perfectly ripe tomato from the plant , and was excited to eat it ( even though I don 't really like raw tomatoes ) . I made an English muffin , and topped it with the sliced tomato , and then a scrambled egg with cheese . It was so good ! I 'm looking forward to some more tomatoes . I showed the kids , and took a few pictures of it , and then decided to pull it off and get it out of the garden . That sucker was clinging to my plant for dear life , and it was hard to pull him off ! I didn 't want to touch it , so I used a paper towel to get him , and then I moved him to the tree in the backyard . Hopefully , he won 't find his way back to the garden , because I might not be so nice next time . I posted a picture of it on Instagram , and learned it 's a tomato hornworm , and they do a lot of damage to gardens . Jerry 's work schedule right now makes it really difficult for me to get in my runs , unless I run on the treadmill or go in the evenings . Today , I planned to do a long run ( 12 miles ) , so I really didn 't want to do that on the treadmill . I had to wait until 6 : 30 to head outside . With the low - heart rate training I 'm doing , I was afraid it was going to be completely dark by the time I got home . The goal was to keep my heart rate between 138 - 148 , so I decided to aim for the low end of the range in the beginning , even though it meant going slower . That way , when my heart rate naturally rose later in the run , my pace would be a little more consistent . It started to rain just 2 . 5 miles in , and normally , I like running in the rain . But I still had nearly 10 miles to go , and wet shoes = blisters . Thankfully , it was just a drizzle , which felt really good . I am really surprised at how sore and achey I get from running at this slower pace . My legs were aching from hip to toe by mile eight , and I almost called Jerry for a ride . I imagine I 'm just using different muscles when I run slowly , but I didn 't realize what a big impact it would have . By the time I got home , I felt like I 'd just run a marathon . I was pretty frustrated the last few miles , because I was running so slowly , but my heart rate was still hanging out at 147 - 148 . Every time it hit 148 , my Garmin would beep , so I 'd have to slow down even more , and I was getting irritated with it . But the one thing I really like about this MAF training is that I enjoy the actual running part more . I don 't get out of breath , I can look around and see what 's going on around me , or search for change on the ground ( today I found 6 whole cents ) . My pace got slower and slower as the run went on , and since I was going 12 miles , I 'd underestimated how long it would take me . I got home just before 9 : 00 ( which is why this post is late going up ) . It was just getting dark outside . Another mile , and I would have been running in the dark ! I did 12 miles with an average heart rate of 144 and pace of 11 : 45 . And now I 'm ridiculously sore . Last week , Noah asked me if I 'd do a Color Vibe 5K with him tomorrow , and I tried to get my brother , Nathan , to do it instead ; but he 's busy , so I told Noah I would . I hate getting messy , and mud runs , color runs , foam runs , etc . , don 't appeal to me at all . But I 'm happy that Noah 's excited about running , and that he asked to do a race , so I 'm going to suck it up and run while people throw powder at me . ; ) Posted by Another day of waiting on Eli . He was a little less demanding today , which was nice ; ) He did well through the night , but woke up at 4 : 00 this morning in a lot of pain . Then when I tried to give him his pain meds , he couldn 't swallow . It wasn 't just that it hurt , but he physically couldn 't get it down ( it 's liquid , not a pill ) . We waited about an hour , and tried again , and then he was able to take it . He still hasn 't been able to eat much as far as solid food goes . Today , he had a couple of Ensure shakes , but that 's it . I 've been pretty much losing my mind with boredom . I can only watch so much Curious George and Cutthroat Kitchen with him ! Today , I did some organization projects around the house , which actually felt good to get done . Noah was at my parents ' house all day , so it was just me and Eli today . I hope that he heals fast ! On Monday , I posted about that boy Ben who entered the contest to get on the cover of Runner 's World . Normally , I hate popularity contests ( where people ask for votes in order to win something ) , and when I heard Runner 's World was doing one , I decided not to get caught up in it . But being stuck on the couch with Eli for the past few days , I 've been reading through some of the other entries , and one really pulled at my heartstrings today . I guess you could say I got caught up in it ; ) This is Andrew Peterson . He has intellectual disability , which of course made me think of Mark . He said that when he was a child , the other kids at school couldn 't understand his speech , and a lot of kids would make fun of him ( Mark was very difficult to understand as well ) . Andrew couldn 't understand the rules of the recess games at school , so he started walking laps on the playground , and eventually running . Turned out he was pretty fast ! I kept thinking of Mark the entire time I listened to it , and it made me sad . Andrew thanked his speech therapist for helping him to be understood , and it made me wonder what would have happened if Mark had had the opportunity to work with a speech therapist at a young age ( or even as an adult ) . I especially loved when Andrew said , " Special Olympics means more than winning . It gives we , the athletes , good chance to improve our fitness ; compete with others who have equal abilities ; feel good about ourselves ; being an extended family ; and show everyone that each person with an intellectual disability is not a nobody , but a somebody who can contribute to society . " When Jerry got home , I was debating whether to go for a run or go grocery shopping . We were in desperate need of groceries , but I felt like I should run a few miles at least . . . so I ended up running to the grocery store ( literally ) . Kroger is a little over three miles away , so I told Jerry to meet me there at 8 : 00 with my purse and my water bottle , and I headed out . It was hotter than yesterday , but still a pretty nice run . I kept my heart rate in the MAF zone ( 138 - 148 ) . I did 3 . 23 miles at an 11 : 08 pace with an average heart rate of 145 . Very similar to yesterday 's run . It was a rough night with Eli last night . He was in a lot of pain , and we woke him up every three hours to give him pain meds . I hated to wake him , but it would have been so much worse to have him wake up on his own , miserable with pain . I didn 't really sleep at all , because I was worried about Eli . I kept checking to make sure he was breathing ( haven 't done that since Noah was a newborn ! ) . He slept in until about 8 : 30 , but he was in so much pain when he woke up . I hated seeing him like that ! I felt so guilty and horrible for having gone through with the surgery . He couldn 't even talk , and he cried when trying to swallow his meds . I propped him up in my bed to watch a movie , and sometime during the movie , he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a note card and a pencil : As his mother , I could decipher what he wrote : " Can you get peanut butter M & M 's ? " Hahaha ! Even though I doubted he 'd be able to eat them , I told him of course I would . I just went to the corner store and bought some , along with a slushy . He ate an M & M by letting it melt on his tongue , but it was right after that when I noticed he really perked up . He ate the M & M 's , about a cup of ice cream , and half his slushy . Not exactly a nutritious breakfast , but I was happy that he ate something . For lunch , he ate some Ramen noodles , and then about an hour later , he said he felt sick . Sure enough , he threw up everything he 'd eaten . After he threw up , he said he wanted shrimp from Red Lobster ( so random ! ) . I told him that we couldn 't go to Red Lobster , because he was sick - - and he couldn 't throw up at the restaurant . He got really mad at me , and basically gave me the silent treatment all afternoon . I actually felt good about that , because he was back to his normal self ; ) My mom brought him shrimp scampi and popcorn shrimp from Red Lobster for dinner , and he ate the scampi without problems . Even though today was supposed to be a relaxing day , I was exhausted by the time Jerry got home . I was waiting on Eli hand and foot , and that was anything - but relaxing . I didn 't have a chance to shower , so I felt greasy and I felt lazy for not running . Anyway , at around 7 : 30 , I decided that I wanted to go for an evening run . I never run in the evenings ; the last time I did was during Ragnar SoCal , and I can 't remember the time before that . A couple of miles in , I saw a baby bird on the side of the road , and as I passed by , it opened its beak really wide and looked at me . I kept going , but I felt bad for not stopping and shooing it away from the road . I decided to look for it after I turned around . On the way back , the poor bird was in the very center of the road . Cars drive really fast down that road , so I stopped to move the bird . I tried to nudge him with my toe , but again , he opened his beak wide and looked up at me . I put my hand down next to him , thinking that would probably scare him , but he just jumped right into my hand and sat there . I carried him to someone 's yard and set him down in their landscaping , hoping that he 'd stay put and not get run over in the street . About a mile from home , there was a guy running with his dog not very far ahead of me . Since I was running slow as molasses , I figured he 'd be long gone ; but he must have been running the same pace as me , because we stayed the same distance apart for a long time . He turned and saw me a couple of times , but I figured I 'd lose him when I turned onto my road . He ended up turning onto my street , and unless I wanted to run farther than five miles , I had no choice but to follow him . I was only about 300 feet or so behind him , and I was gaining on him a little . He saw that I was still behind him , and started doing some goofy dance moves . I said , " I swear I 'm not following you ! " We ran down the rest of my street together , and he said he was doing his long run ( 9 . 5 miles ) . He said I 'm the first person he 's ever seen out running around here , and I told him that I usually run in the mornings . His dog was all over the place , and nearly clotheslined me a couple of times , which is why my pace got all wacky at the end of my run . Yesterday , I did five miles at 11 : 27 pace and 145 average heart rate . Today 's was five miles at 11 : 09 pace and 144 average heart rate . It 's hard to compare runs when the weather is so different , though . I 'm just hoping that the general trend over four weeks is in the right direction . We 'll see . Anyway , I loved running just before the sun went down , and I may do that more often . It was nice ! Poor Eli . Today was his surgery , and it was a very long day ! Yesterday , we were told to go to children 's hospital at 10 : 45 this morning , which was nice because we didn 't have to rush out the door or anything today . I got up and went for a run at 6 : 30 . I ran five miles at my MAF heart rate , and I was so frustrated with how slowly I have to run to keep my heart rate down . Several times , I felt like if I slowed down at all , I 'd be walking . My pace was slower than last week , but it was also nearly 100 % humidity and very hot today ( unlike last week 's cool spell ) . I was tempted to just say screw it , and pick up the pace , but I really want to give this MAF training a fair shot . Anyway , I ran five miles in 57 : 27 ( an 11 : 27 / mi pace ) , with an average heart rate of 145 . When I got home , I put together a bag for the hospital , and we got ready to head out . We took Noah to my parents ' house , and then Jerry and I took Eli to the hospital . We went up to the fourth floor , and we had to wait in a waiting room for what seemed like forever . Eli was hungry , and he wasn 't allowed to eat anything . There were signs all over the waiting room that said , " I 'm fasting . Please enjoy your food and drinks on the second floor " or something like that . The receptionist even told us that they don 't allow food or drinks in the waiting area out of respect for the kids who are fasting for surgery . There were two women who came in and were sitting right next to us , and then they pulled out drinks and chocolate - covered something or other , and were eating it right in front of Eli ( and the other kids ) . I was so irritated that they were so inconsiderate , especially when it was made very clear there was no eating or drinking in there . We had been waiting for what felt like forever - - we had arrived at 10 : 00 , and we were finally called to pre - op at 12 : 00 or so . My mom had bought him new pajamas for his surgery , so he wore those and brought a little stuffed animal from Noah - - an enderman ( ? ) from Minecraft . He wasn 't really worried about the surgery at all . His biggest concern was whether they were going to give him a shot to put him to sleep or use a mask to put him to sleep . The anesthesiologist came in to talk to us , and explained exactly what they were going to do . Eli was relieved that they were going to use a mask to put him to sleep , and then they would do the IV while he was sleeping . She asked if Eli had any loose teeth , and he pointed out several . I told her if they could pull any of them while he was sleeping , that 'd be awesome ; ) She said they didn 't really feel ready to come out , but sometimes the instrument they use for intubating is really hard on the two front teeth , so if they 're loose enough , they may just get pulled . At around 1 : 00 , they finally came to take him to the OR . Jerry and I walked down the hall with him , and then we had to say goodbye . It was WAY harder for me than it was for Eli , I know , but I managed not to cry or get too emotional when giving him a kiss goodbye . Jerry and I went downstairs to grab some lunch , and after about 40 minutes , our pager started flashing , meaning the doctor was ready to talk to us . The doctor said everything went really well , and they ended up having to pull his two front teeth - - yay ! ( Those teeth were looking bad - - they needed to come out ) . You can already see his adult teeth there . He told us what to expect during recovery , and said we could go see Eli in about an hour , after he was awake and stable . It was such a long hour ! We waited in the waiting room , and when the pager went off again , we got to go see Eli . Apparently , after they woke him up , he gave them a huge cough and blood just went everywhere . Someone was still cleaning it up off the floor when we got there . Eli looked really spacey , and couldn 't really talk . I felt so bad for him ! I just wanted to hold him and make the pain go away , but obviously there was nothing I could do . The nurses said he was in a lot of pain when he first came out , but they gave him pain meds , and by the time we got there , they were starting to kick in . He was able to eat a slushie , but he was still really drowsy and not very alert . The nurse said he should probably stay until he 's a little more awake , so we stayed for about an hour and and a half . He perked up a bit when Jerry let him play a game on his phone . We got him dressed in his pajamas again , and the nurse took out his IV . Finally , at around 4 : 15 , we left the hospital . He did pretty well during the car ride home , thanks to the pain meds we gave him right before we left , but now that we 're home , it 's not going so well . He wants to eat really badly , but whenever he tries , he ends up crying because his throat hurts . I 've tried broth , ice cream , popsicles , water , and soda , and all of it hurts going down . He even said , " I don 't like my life " and when I asked what he meant , he said that he doesn 't like his life because he had to have surgery . I just wish I could make him feel better ! I 've been watching the clock to be able to give him his next dose of pain medicine . Tomorrow , we 're going to have a very low - key day of watching movies . I didn 't have surgery , but I am definitely looking forward to a relaxing day with the kids ! Hopefully Eli feels better tomorrow . Happy Motivational Monday ! Hopefully everyone has had a great week . I am really happy that I got back to tracking my food , and I ate really well all week long . Last week , I said I was going to go back to Weight Watchers this Wednesday , but I forgot about Eli 's surgery . The next few days are going to be completely out of routine , because Eli is getting his tonsils and adenoids removed tomorrow . I have no idea how long it will take him to get back to normal , but I 'm hoping he doesn 't have a rough time with recovery . He 's really excited about the surgery , because the doctor told him he could eat anything he wants to after surgery - - ice cream for breakfast , lunch , and dinner , if that 's what he wants . So I may have a tough time staying on track this week ; ) You may have seen on social media that Runner 's World is having a contest to be on the cover of their magazine . I know several people that are asking for votes , so I 'm staying completely out of the voting game , but someone sent me a link today to the bio for a boy named Ben , and I thought it was perfect to share for Motivational Monday ! What is more inspiring than this photo ? ! He lost his leg to cancer when he was just six years old . I would love to see this kid on the cover of my favorite magazine ! Unfortunately , the rules say you must be 18 or older ( and I 'm making a wild guess that he 's under 18 ) . Anyway , I just loved that picture - - not just that he 's a kid , or an amputee , or a cancer survivor . . . but that he 's also out there running in the pouring rain ! Maegan just celebrated her six - month anniversary since starting Weight Watchers , and she 's down 40 pounds ! She started at 212 pounds , and is currently at 172 , so she 's more than halfway to her goal weight of 135 . Maegan has even started to run a little - - it 's a slow - going journey for her , but she 's not giving up and is making more and more progress . ( Maegan 's blog ) Finally , I just have to share my own submission for Motivational Monday . Not me , but my kids and my mom ! Noah , Eli , and my mom all completed their first 5K on Saturday - - and they did awesome . My mom said the kids motivated her to keep going , and the kids are already excited about doing another race . It was a big success for all three of them ! Don 't forget to check out more stories on the Motivational Monday Facebook post ! Also , if you have a photo you 'd like to share for Motivational Monday , you can email it to me ( along with a brief description ) at : Katie ( at ) runsforcookies ( dot ) com with the subject Motivational Monday , and I may include it on a MM post . Anything that you 're proud of is worth celebrating ! A lot of people have been asking me how I make the shirts with lettering , so I thought I 'd put together a tutorial . It 's really very amateur , and if you have any sewing skills whatsoever , I 'm sure you could do a much better job ! But to keep things super cheap and simple , this is how I add lettering to a shirt . Here are a couple of examples of shirts I 've made this way : * A shirt ( that can be ironed . . . I 've used sweatshirts , t - shirts , and tech shirts without problems ) . For this tutorial , I used a track jacket that I found at a thrift store . It had embroidery on the left chest part , so I ripped out the embroidery and wanted to cover it with my name . First , iron the fabric that you plan to use for the lettering to make sure it 's nice and smooth . Then , you 'll use the letter stencil to trace out your letters onto your fabric with the fabric pencil ( or pen , in my case ) . I like to flip the stencil over , and trace onto the WRONG side of the fabric , so that the ink isn 't visible once it 's done . Press down on the wax paper with your hand ( not the iron yet ) and smooth it out . Then , you 'll cut out each letter , making sure to cut through the fabric , glue , and wax paper all at the same time . If you use pen , it 's easy to see through the wax paper . Now , the letters should be a layer of fabric , a layer of the glue web , and a layer of wax paper . Next , you 'll peel the wax paper off , and place the letters ( sticky glue side down ) on your shirt exactly as you 'd like them to be permanently . Until you iron them , they are moveable , so you can adjust them . Just make sure the glue stays with the fabric . After placing the letters where you want them , carefully cover them with a scrap of fabric ( or press cloth ) . You don 't want to press the iron directly onto the letters or your shirt , so the fabric is just a thin barrier to protect them . I put the iron on the synthetic setting , but just use your discretion . Iron very well , making sure to press all the edges and corners of each letter . At this point , you could probably just leave it as - is , but I always like to reinforce it by stitching the edges . I 'm not sure how the lettering would hold up in the washer if you just rely on the glue . ( For Eli 's race shirt , I didn 't do the top - stitching , but the letters stayed on fine during the race . I 'll update after I 've washed it ) . When using denim letters , like I did on the sweatshirt , I especially like to reinforce with stitching , because the letters fray a little on the edges - - and I like that look ! For the jacket , I just chose to use a white thread . Use the sewing machine to sew as closely as possible around each letter . ( Don 't try to sew the letters without doing the webbing part above , though - - they will be really difficult to sew . ) Are you sitting down ? Get comfy , because this is a doozy of a post . And actually , this post is terrifying for me to write . I have bee . . . I have decided to take an indefinite break from running . I had gotten tired of always feeling like it was a chore - - I lost my passion for it . I hope to get it back someday ; but if I don 't , that 's okay , too . I enjoy living an active lifestyle , and running doesn 't have to be a part of that if I don 't have the passion for it . 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I suppose I can 't argue with that logic . I can barely help her with her first grade " pre - geometry " math . I really wish I was kidding about that . Posted by Hello all ! I 'm sorry I 've been a little behind in the posting lately . It 's that crazy time of year . I 'm just taking a little time to spend with the girls , my husband and parents , while they 're here . I just wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to all of you out there who keep up with me and my girls ! Thanks for all your support over the past year and a half . I hope you have a wonderful holiday season . I promise to go back to my normally scheduled writing program once the craziness of this time of year passes . Don 't worry , I already have stories . Like Sonya wanting to get her ears pierced out of nowhere . WHAT ? ! Stay tuned . . . Ever since Sonya lost her first tooth , my girls are obsessed with loose teeth now . Sonya does have another loose tooth right now , but Lana and Georgia are always telling me that one of their teeth is loose . Which of course it isn 't . They just want to be like their older sister . Not to mention that they saw how she was given money for her tooth , so it seems like a good trade off . Unfortunately for them , it 'll be a few years before a tooth actually does get loose . In the meantime they inspect every kid now to see if they have missing teeth then point it out to me when they do . On a completely different note , a couple weeks ago my dishwasher decided to stop working . ( Stick with me , these stories will tie together ) Something that I was SO happy about since I was planning a Christmas party and had eight different types of cookies , not to mention appetizer to make . This meant A LOT of dishes . So yeah , great timing . Doesn 't it always happen like that ? I called Sears to come out and repair it for us . First they weren 't going to come for almost a week . A WEEK ! Then I did call and manage to get a sooner appointment . But in the meantime I had to wash dishes by hand . Something I hadn 't done since I was eight . It was like living in the dark ages . Well , last Wednesday the repairman came to our house to fix our disabled dishwasher . He was a very nice man . However , upon first glance looked a little rough . Like he had some bad younger years but was trying to get his life together . He had a number of tattoos , which is not a big deal to me . I don 't mind tattoos and in fact have one myself , but it was the kind they were ( skulls ) and the places they were ( on his neck ) . The kind of thing that screams bad ass . There was also the fact that he was missing about three teeth in the front . But like I said before , he was a good guy . He fixed my dishwasher , and he asked about the girls . He had a two year old boy at home and we chatted about the terrible twos . As it turns out , my dishwasher had a build up of calcium due to the hard water we ha " Look mom ! He lost his tooth ! " Well , I did what I needed to do . I ignored her and carried on my conversation hoping he didn 't hear her or at least understand what she had said . Luckily , Lana didn 't push the issue , which is kinda weird for her , because most of the time she would have made a bigger deal about it . If he did hear her he didn 't let on , which I was thankful for , although I did feel badly that she had said that . He finished explaining to me what to do with the dishwasher and soon left . Thank goodness Lana didn 't say anything else embarrassing , like " why is there Halloween on that guy 's neck ? " . Between Sonya recently saying embarrassing things and now Lana , I 'm thinking that perhaps I will just give them all big pieces of bubble gum whenever people come over so they can 't talk at all . Well , either that or duct tape . Posted by After twenty years of driving you would think I would know how to pull up to a curb in front of a parked car without incident . You would think that , but you wouldn 't be correct . Tuesday afternoon I tried to pull up to the curb in front of a parked car and did indeed have an incident . I say incident , because it wasn 't really enough of a deal to be an accident , although it certainly was an accident . I wasn 't meaning to hit the four door sedan sitting there so innocently , parked across the street from the park . It was Tuesday and I was dropping Sonya off at Girl Scouts after picking her up from school and violin practice . My Tuesdays are always crazy . Her Girl Scout meetings are at a little cabin next to the park . I usually pull up to the curb , she hops out and goes to the cabin as I watch her . This time I had to park on the opposite side of the street , because there was no parking on the side near the park . Therefore I was going to have to get out and walk her across the street . I finally found a suitable spot and started to pull up to it . I saw the car sitting next to me . It 's not like I didn 't . I 'm not even sure how it happened . I mean sure I 've been crazy busy for a month now and had a ton on my mind so I was distracted in that sense , but it 's Christmas ! Who isn 't ? It 's not like I wasn 't texting or talking on the phone . I wasn 't even yelling at the girls , but all of a sudden as I 'm pulling in front of this car I hear , Yes , that was me saying some VERY bad words in front of all three of my girls . They were out of my mouth before I could stop them . I immediately followed it up with , I mean since they had already heard it , might as well get another one in there . Then they started asking me what happened . They were wondering what made me react in such a way , not to mention the noise they heard . I told them I accidentally hit the car behind us as I was pulling up to the curb . I was frazzled , but got Sonya of of the van , across the street and headed to her Girl Scout meeting . Lana and Georgia kept questioning what was going on and what I was doing . What I was doing was assessing the damage to both cars . My van had a big scratch down the side , but in all honesty , that side didn 't look so good before anyway . It wasn 't bad . Huh . Maybe the other car wasn 't bad either and I could pretend like this WHOLE thing never happened . Nope . The other car had a giant noticeable scratch too . Enough to know that it wasn 't there before , but not horrible . Something that could easily be fixed . I hoped . So I did what I knew was the right thing to do . The thing that would make sure Karma wouldn 't track me down and hit my van with a big rig . I left a note on the windshield . Maybe the person wouldn 't bother calling though . There was still hope I could pretend this never happened . Except he did call . Luckily he was a very understanding considerate man . He had been at the park playing with his kid when it happened . He told me that he googled my name since I left the note and found this blog . Then he said to me , " You 're really busy , so why don 't you just call your insurance company and have them deal with this , then you don 't have to worry about it . I just have one child and know how hard it is . I can 't imagine three ! " I found it amusing that he thinks I 'm so busy after reading a bit of my blog . What would lead him to think that I wonder ? I find it even more amusing that people can google me and come upon this website and look ! One accident and I have a new reader . ( Hi Mychael ! ) Perhaps I should hit more people parked near parks since they most likely have children . Although my insurance rates would most likely increase , which would sorta defeat the purpose I suppose . Anyway , my insurance company was great , they are dealing with it and it 's off my plate . I am sorry that this nice guy has to deal with getting his car fixed . He did tell me he worked freelance , and since he 's slow right now this would give him something to do . See I helped him out ! Just spreading the cheer everywhere this holiday season ! I didn 't tell Andy at first , because he had a lot going on the day it happened . Plus I wanted to get all the information I needed about what , if anything , it would cost us and how to proceed . I knew I would eventually have to tell him , not because of the scratch on the side of the van he 'd probably never notice that , but because I had three eyewitnesses who would surely rat me out at some point . Not to mention the fact that someday when one of them drops the F bomb , he 's going to be wondering where they heard it . GUILTY . It sucks too , because I 'm usually so good at watching my language around them . Oh well , as long as we 're not in public if they do say it we 'll be all good . Otherwise you 'll be reading about it on here . I will try to be more careful from now on . Not that I 'm not usually careful . In fact my insurance company said my rates would most likely not increase , because this wasn 't that bad . Also because , as they put it , I 've had a " boring record " for the past fourteen years . I did have a couple speeding tickets and was nabbed with a rolling stop when I was younger . Now I 'm a good driver . I do fear I have made my girls a bit nervous in the car now though . Later that day when I went to pick Sonya up from Girl Scouts , I had to turn around in the middle of the street . During my three point turn I got close to a parked car and Lana said , Last Tuesday morning I woke up , in a panic realizing , I forgot to do something . Every Tuesday I take Georgia to " class " . It 's a parent education class at the adult school down the street . It 's great , because we go together , she plays with kids her age while I hang out with the other moms . Then we do a circle time and sing songs . Afterward , all the moms go to a different room to have a discussion while the kids play next door . We all take turns watching the kids . It 's an awesome program and I wish I would have done it sooner , but I didn 't even know about it until last year . Anyway , last Tuesday Santa was coming to visit the class during our circle time . We were to bring a wrapped book so Santa could give it to our child . Of course , I forgot to get a damn book . No worries though ! We have a TON of books at home and I was sure I could find one that we hadn 't read much or at all . I knew she wouldn 't know even if I took one we had read before , but Georgia wouldn 't be the problem . Sonya would . Sonya has a fantastic memory . She always has . My mom has even mentioned that it seems almost photographic . I wouldn 't be surprised , since she learned things like her numbers and letters so early . I knew when I was looking through their books on Tuesday morning , my challenge was going to be finding something Sonya didn 't know we had . I came across a book called " The Goodnight Train " , which we 've had for well over a year . It had been stuck in with all the other small paperbacks and I think we maybe read it once when we first got it . It was a cute little story , perfect for Georgia and I was sure Sonya wouldn 't remember it . I really have to stop underestimating that kid . Well , Santa came to Georgia 's class and she was so excited to see him . She ran run up to him and gave him a hug , when he called her name to give her the present . She had no idea we ever had that particular book and was excited for it . I knew that meant that it would be a bedtime book , which meant Sonya would hear the story too . Little did I know , I wouldn 't have to wait for bedtime for Sonya 's memory to be tested . We picked up Sonya from school later that day and Georgia was telling her all about her visit with Santa and how she got a present . Then Sonya asked what book it was . I told her it was " The Goodnight Train " . Immediately she said , " No , we don 't , " I argued with her . Then I lied , " I think we checked it out from the library before . Maybe that 's what you 're thinking of . " " Nope , we have it already . I know , " she said . Great . She knows . Now what ? I continued to try and convince her that I didn 't see that book in their bookshelf and I really thought we just got it at the library at some point . She was not at all convinced . Then that night we got it out to read before bedtime . As soon as Sonya saw it she said again , " Sonya , I looked in your bookshelf today and I didn 't see it at all , " I told her . Then I said , " It doesn 't matter . This is Georgia 's gift from Santa and she likes it , so can you just drop it please . " Then when I was done reading it she said , " Yeah , I remember we had it because Nona gave it to us . " SERIOUSLY ? ? ! ! She not only remembers that specific book that we have read maybe , MAYBE once , but she remembers who gave it to them ? ! Over a year ago ? ! ? My only saving grace is that Georgia is too young to understand . And for as smart as Sonya is she didn 't figure out I took the book from home . She just thinks Santa gave us a book we already had , but now has mysteriously disappeared . This will be one of those stories that will be fun to piece together for her when she 's older and no longer believes in Santa . In the meantime I really have to watch everything I say and do with her . Actually , I could put this to good use and just start verbally giving her all my lists I make of things that need done . Then I don 't have to go searching to figure out where I put my lists . I 'll have Sonya there to tell me what 's next . Maybe I could even rent her out for other people with bad memories . It would be an extra way to make some cash . I mean she is six , so it 's about time for her to start pulling her weight around here . Posted by Today I had to make a trip to Costco with ALL THREE GIRLS ! AHHH ! THE HORROR ! Actually they were quite good , so that 's not really what I came to tell you today . When we first got there I grabbed a shopping cart and parked it in back of the car parked next to us . I took the girls out of the car and loaded them into the cart . Georgia and Lana were in the front , Sonya was hanging on the side . I was trying to get everything together when I noticed three men with a shopping cart full of Costco goods , standing next to the car I was blocking . I was obviously in their way . I felt bad , immediately apologized and began to move . There were two African American guys and I only mention this because I swear one of them was someone famous . He looked like a younger hotter version of LL Cool J . He smiled at me and said , " No , no problem , don 't worry ! " Then he looked at the girls and said , " Hi girls ! " The girls responded back with a chorus of " hello 's " . The cute guy 's one friend was on the phone and the other one was pushing the cart , which led me to believe they were some sort of entourage to this very handsome charasmatic guy . Living in L . A . you run across famous people just about everywhere . Sometimes you recognize them , sometimes you 're not sure if you do . He may have been someone . Who knows ? All I do know is that he was very attractive and personable while the other two guys he was with were , eh . We continued to walk down the aisle toward the Costco and I noticed Lana looking over my shoulder back to where the men were now loading their goods in their SUV . Then she looked at me and said , What ? Did I hear that right ? She 's three , correct ? How does she know what cute is ? Well , I guess the handsome , alluring stranger made her figure it out . Great . This past Thursday was our annual family trip to Disneyland . This year I had only one kid in diapers ! Even that isn 't too bad , because most of the time she informs me when she has to poop and we make it to a bathroom on time . Anyway , I love our trip to Disney every year . It 's a fun day with the whole family and our friend Melinda who gets us in for free ! Because really , who the hell can afford $ 76 a ticket these days ? Yes we use Melinda to get us in for free , but we also love her company . Plus in all fairness she uses us to get out of work for a day and go to Disney instead . It 's not a bad trade off . ( Thanks again Melinda ! ) It 's also a day that forces me not to cook , clean and be distracted by other duties . A day to hang out and have fun with my kids and husband . That 's just what we did . I think we rode more rides than we have in the past , which I was excited about , because I love rides . We did the usual ones like Dumbo , the carousel and Teacups . Well , Sonya and I didn 't ride the Teacups but everyone else did . She and I were more keen on keeping our breakfast in our stomachs for the time being . Riding the Teacups would have made that impossible for us . Then we tried some new ones . Andy and Melinda took Sonya and Lana on the little roller coaster in Toon Town . Unfortunately , Georgia wasn 't quite tall enough and she was NOT happy about it . She cried for about five minutes after they left . I distracted her by taking her into Goofy 's house and Donald 's boat . Every once in a while she would realize we were alone and the reason for that was because she couldn 't ride the roller coaster , so she would get upset all over again . Poor thing . Hopefully next year she 'll make the cut . We also did new rides like , Autotopia . That 's the one where you drive the cars around the track . Not sure why we never did that one before . I guess we just never got over there in the past . We only saw it this time , because we decided to go on the Finding Nemo ride . This ride opened over three years ago , but we 've never gone on , because the line hIt started out harmless enough . Except there was the guy behind us who freaked out when they closed the top of the submarine . He decided he had to get out RIGHT THEN , leaving his five year old son in the care of a stranger for the ride . I 'm assuming he was claustrophobic . Why even get in line , I 'm not sure , perhaps he thought he could handle it . Guess not . We were all fine . So far . It started off like I thought the whole thing was going to be . We were just looking through the portholes into what looked like the ocean , but with fake fish and fake coral . The girls were enjoying it , until we " dove deeper " and ended up in darkness . Then it also got extremely loud , which I guess was good , because then nobody could hear the screaming and crying of my two youngest girls . They were both in hysterics , Georgia more than Lana . They both kept saying " Mommy ! ! I wanna go hoooommmme ! " Oh boy . It wouldn 't have been that bad if we were on Snow White or Peter Pan and they would have gotten scared . Those rides are over in , what , 2 minutes ? Not Nemo . No , Nemo was more like Pirates of the Caribbean length . Perhaps a little less , but I 'm guessing we were in that sub for at least seven minutes with my screaming children , which felt more like an hour . When we finally got back to the start , the girls had calmed down some , but GG was still talking about going home . She was much happier when we went to the Autotopia and let her drive Andy around the track for five minutes instead . The rest of the day went more smoothly . There weren 't even any major kid breakdowns to speak of . We managed to convince Sonya to go on Pirates of the Caribbean , which she liked . I wasn 't sure if that was ever going to happen . Next year we 'll attempt the Haunted Mansion with her . Although the other two are sticking to Toon Town and Dumbo for a while . Even now they Lana keeps saying , All in all it was a great day . We had ice cream for dinner and stayed for Fireworks . Then we changed all the girls into their PJs when we got to the car and they were asleep within five minutes of leaving . I guess next year there will be no " Submaween wide " for the Dadekains . They 're just going to have to find Nemo without us . Posted by I know posting has been light the past week , and I apologize for that . Can 't say it 's going to get much better until after Christmas . I 'm about to enter into a very crazy time because of the holidays . Oh and since I didn 't have enough going on , I 've volunteered to do things at Sonya 's school and for Georgia 's class over the next few weeks . I blame my mom for this . She also can never sit still . Thanks mom ! Anyway , I will do my best to keep you updated when I can . Keep checking back ! In the meantime I did want to tell you about Sonya 's move to her new room . Sonya turned six a few weeks ago , and I 'm embarrassed to admit , was still in a toddler bed . I know , I know , but we were just trying to figure out when and how to move her out . Georgia was still in her crib and that particular crib turns into a double bed , so it was going to mean a whole lot of work getting everything switched around . Since my in - laws were here until Tuesday , we decided it would be a good idea for Andy and his father to put the bed together on Sunday . We would get a mattress for it and be all set . There was also the matter of moving toys and clothes around while purging ourselves of a ton of baby toys we still had . ( I won 't tell you how sad that particular task made me . Well , maybe not as sad as taking down the crib . Tear . ) So the plan was to have Sonya at least sleeping in her room by Sunday night , even though the things in the rooms would still need moving . Ah plans ! How they rarely work out . Andy and his father went to buy a mattress on Sunday afternoon . I told him just to buy it and put it in the van because it would fit with all the seats down . Instead they got it delivered for Monday night . Apparently it was cheaper price and a better mattress to have it delivered . Don 't ask me , I wasn 't there . Sounds kind of strange , but fine whatever . Sonya slept on the floor with her sisters in her old room on Sunday night . It was so nice with all of them in there together . They went right to sleep with no problems . Oh WAIT ! That 's right , they were up until TEN PM ! ! Sonya managed to fall asleep amidst the chaos around nine , but the other two were in full party mode for another hour . Monday came and I worked on the rooms some more . It look like a bomb exploded in my house , but it was slowly getting done . The mattress was scheduled to be delivered between 6 - 9pm . I just LOVE the delivery window , don 't you ? I don 't know why , but I had one of my premonitions that it just wasn 't going to come . I ignored it . Then when 8 : 30 rolled around , but the mattress didn 't , I knew I was probably right . We eventually put Sonya to bed with the girls again . This time they were all so tired from the night before they fell asleep fairly quick . Still , she was supposed to be sleeping in her new bed and here she was on the floor again . No phone call from the store , nothing . The store was already closed , but I called and left a message anyway , letting them know I wasn 't so happy . Let me tell you now , if you 're ever in a situation like this where you 've been wronged , leave it to me to make it right . I become what I like to refer to as " nice bitchy " . You can tell I 'm mad , but I 'm trying to act nice to not put the other party completely on the defensive . It 's only when I don 't get results do I get " bitchy bitchy " . And I have had to go there a few times . It 's not pretty . Ask anyone in my family . Especially when I 'm hungry and waiting for a table in a restaurant and someone who walks in after us gets a table first . OH NO THEY DIDIN ' ! ! Do NOT go there with me . Anyway , I received no phone call the next morning , so I called them myself . I started out nice bitchy , preparing myself to take out the big guns if needed . I explained the situation and the polite man on the phone , who didn 't really have anything to do with our sale or what happened , went to investigate . When he called me back he explained that somehow the invoice did not get faxed over to them , therefore they didn 't even know there was a mattress to be delivered yesterday , and could they deliver it tomorrow instead ? To which I replied , " Well , my daughter had to sleep on the floor last night because you didn 't bring the mattress when you said you would , and that will not happen again today . If you don 't want an angry customer , then you will deliver today before 6pm , " I told him . Yes , I was quickly approaching bitchy bitchy . " Okay , hold on , " he told me . Then he came back to the phone and informed me they would have it at my house between 2 - 4pm . Well , look at that ! They DID have time today . I thanked him and hung up . Around 3pm , the mattress arrived . The delivery man was apologetic and nice , but there was one tiny problem . The box spring we got to go with it , was WAY to big for the bed . He knew as soon as he took one look at the bed . He told me there was a " bunky board " box spring that was smaller and would be a better size . Unfortunately , they wouldn 't be able to deliver it until Wednesday , but we could keep this one until they could switch it out . It wasn 't their fault we got the wrong box spring , so that was fine with me . It was a bit ridiculous looking though . I felt like I should put a pea under the mattress to see if Sonya could feel it while she was sleeping , thus proving her a real princess . After he left , I continued my quest for the room swap . It was a mess and I was exhausted . Then around 5 : 30 the mattress store called back . It was the same delivery guy . He felt bad at how high the bed was and managed to find the smaller box spring in their Burbank store . Would it be okay for them to deliver it and take the other one sometime within in the hour ? HELLS YEAH ! I told him . Well maybe it was more like , " that would be great " , but I was excited that they were making up for the faux pas from the night before . So they did . They redeemed themselves for their mistake and I was able to leave nice bitchy behind and just be nice . The bed was much better with the smaller box spring and it looks great . Sonya was excited to sleep in her new room and new bed last night . Despite the fact that earlier in the week she told me she was a little sad that she would be the only one sleeping without a partner , she fell asleep just fine . Plus she did find a new partner and Jazz found a new comfy spot to snooze . I wish I could say the other two who are now partnered up fell asleep just fine too , but I think it 's going to be a long time before the party ends in that room . . . if ever . Now , my first baby girl is back to the first bed and first room she ever slept in . Even if it is much bigger and more grown up . That 's the part that makes this the most difficult , because so is she . * Just a quick note - we are not completely done with the room and yes the animal border will be coming down and replaced with something else . For now , it 's my last baby reminder . Tear . Every Friday morning I take Georgia and Lana to gymnastics . They have both been going to gymnastics since before they can remember . No joke . Lana , since infancy and Georgia , since before she was born . Sonya started going when she was two , so her sisters have just followed suit . They all love it , so that 's why we keep going , despite the Hawaiian vacation we could have taken with all the money we 've spent there . When we go on Friday , Georgia has her class first with me , then Lana has a class immediately after , without mommy . Sometimes during her class she decides she needs to use the bathroom . Usually she 'll come get me and tell me when this happens , so I can come help her . I guess Friday she decided she was big enough to do it alone . Only she wasn 't . I was chatting with my friend Melissa . Quick aside : This is a different Melissa than the one I 've mentioned before , who I 've been friends with since college . This is mom Melissa . She has three kids all around the same ages as my girls . Our husbands used to work together too , so we 've been acquainted for a while . Now her youngest and Lana are in the same gymnastics class together , so every Friday morning we chat and catch up on the latest with our kids or what 's going on in Burbank . Our small town in the middle of a big city . And Melissa reads this blog . ( Hi Melissa ! ) Anyway , back to the story . We were chatting away not paying much attention to our little gymnasts , when teacher Danielle ran over to tell me Lana had locked herself in the bathroom . Uh - oh . I ran back to the where the one room bathroom was and talked to Lana through the door . She was crying and scared . " Lana , " I said calmly . " Lana , it 's okay , calm down . " More crying . " It 's okay girly . Just unlock the door . It 's just like the lock on Georgia 's door at home . " Then I realized what had happened . She went in there thinking she could do this all by herself . Went to the potty , no problem . Wiped herself , no problem . Got soap on her hands , no problem . Then she went to turn the water on . . . big problem . The faucet in the bathroom has one of those handles that you pull up to turn on and push down to turn off . She can never pull it up , I always help her , especially after already having soap on her hands . And because she had soap on her hands , she couldn 't get a grip on the lock to turn it and let herself out of the bathroom , making her stuck . " Oh girly ! " I said . " Can you go get a paper towel and wipe the soap off your hands ? " At this point Melissa had come back to help talk to Lana , but we were both laughing at the same time . Quietly , so Lana couldn 't hear us . I mean it WAS funny and she wasn 't in any danger , just a bit scared . Plus it reminded me of the time my sister Beth locked herself in our bathroom at home , when she was about the same age . We had a babysitter over and she couldn 't figure out how to get Beth out , so she called her boyfriend to come over and take off the entire door handle . I remember pushing books under the crack in the door so Beth had something to do while she was in there waiting to be rescued . The crack under this door didn 't look big enough for a book . Teacher Alex came back with some keys to try in the lock . When none of those worked , he tried a paper clip . I started eyeing the doorknob , trying to figure out how long it would take to disassemble it . At the same time , Melissa and I kept talking to Lana through the door , encouraging her to wipe off her hands and try the lock again . " YAY , LANA ! " We all yelled . She walked over to me and hugged my leg and got a little weepy again . I assured her that everything was alright and she was fine . I hugged her for a couple minutes . Then she pulled herself together and went off to finish her class . She was fine after that . No harm done . If this was Sonya , I 'd say she 'd never go to the bathroom alone again until college , but Lana , she tends to bounce back and try things again . We 'll see what happens if she tries to go by herself next time . I think I 'll put a couple magazines in my backpack , just in case . I 'm pretty sure those will fit under the door . Yesterday was one of those days I had all these things planned to do and got pretty much none of it accomplished . The reason was because in the morning Georgia came down with a migraine . I know some of you just looked at your computer cross eyed and thought WHHHAAAA ? ? Yes , Georgia suffers from migraines at the ripe old age of 2 . I thought I had mentioned that on here before , but after researching my back blogs , I didn 't see anything . We discovered it over the summer . Here 's the quick back story . Georgia would have these episodes when she would , out of nowhere , start to cry and whine that she was going to " frow up " . Then she would . Every 15 - 20 minutes until there was nothing left in her stomach . Afterward she would pass out cold for a nap or for the night if it was close to bed time . I kept thinking she had a stomach bug , but when she would wake up she 'd be completely fine , ready to eat anything and never developed a fever . When I took her for her two year check up in June I mentioned these symptoms to the Pediatrician . He wasn 't extremely worried , but thought it best to refer me to a neurologist , just to check things out . A few weeks later we went to see a very sweet and extremely informative neurologist , who deals with kids and adults . After relaying all of Georgia 's symptoms , she did a quick check up on her . I also informed her of our family history ( migraine candidates on BOTH sides of the family ) . She came to the very certain conclusion that what GG was displaying was the kid version of a migraine . Apparently , they can get them as young as SIX MONTHS OLD ! Instead of the normal headache migraine that adults get , they do this throw up and then pass out thing . I guess some adults get that too . The sleeping is what resets their brains and gets rid of the migraine . Other than sleep there is not really any medication or anything to be given to kids this young . Trying to prevent the migraines , by learning Georgia 's triggers is probably the best way to help her . It 's figuring out the triggers that 's the tricky part . It can be anything from certain foods ( chocolate , sugar ) to lack of rest . Plus , everyone has different triggers . Up until yesterday she hadn 't had and episode since June , before we even saw the doctor . I was even beginning to think maybe she didn 't suffer from migraines , until yesterday happened . First of all , I partially blame Andy for the one yesterday . Just five days ago , when he was on the computer with his parents , he mentioned to them how Georgia hadn 't had an episode in a while . Does he not know that the universe targets people who say such things like that ? Does he not know you 're supposed to knock on wood or something if you 're going to say such a thing OUT LOUD ? ? Have I taught him NOTHING ? ! I guess not . On the plus side , I did discover one of her triggers yesterday . Thursday mornings is my alone time with Georgia . I usually run errands with her that day , because it 's so nice just having one kid to worry about and she loves all the attention . She 's usually really good , because she 's alone with me . I had plans to go to the bank , post office , get the car washed . That kind of thing . Originally the car wash was last on my list , but for some reason I decided to make it first . Regretted THAT decision later . It was the only thing I got to do yesterday . For those of you who live in Los Angeles , you know there are car washes everywhere . Nobody really ever washes their own car here . Maybe during the summer on a hot day for fun , but it 's so much easier to just go get it done , and it 's not that expensive . Since my in - laws are coming this Sunday , I thought it best to have someone get rid of the goldfish , cheerio , pretzel infestation on the floor of my car . So we went to the car wash down the street and I decided which wash package I wanted . Some of the packages include an air freshener spritz . Sometimes I get it sometimes not , depends on how much money I feel like spending . Yesterday I did . THIS was my downfall . I chose vanilla scent . Also probably a bad idea . Most of the time the scent is not overpowering , but someone went a little crazy with the spritz yesterday , and the smell hit me in the face as soon as I climbed in the car . Georgia commented on it immediately too , I kinda got what she was saying . The vanilla smell is reminiscent of a vanilla cake baking , but more perfumy . So at first she kinda liked it , until 30 seconds later when she didn 't . What ? She was fine two minutes ago . We were having fun at the car wash with the cute doggie , someone let us pet , and the gumball I bought her . Now , all of a sudden , she was going to throw up ? ? I was confused . We stopped at the post office on our way home and I got her out of the car . She was pale and listless , but seemed better outside of the car . Then we got back in to go home and she was right back to , Then I realized it must be the scent . Could strong scents trigger migraines ? I had no idea , because I don 't suffer from them myself . I got her home without " frowing up " . I laid her down on the couch with her blankie Then I Googled migraine triggers and strong scents was indeed on that list . Son of a BITCH ! I found a trigger for Georgia ! Suddenly I realized , Oh crap . I had to put her back in the car to pick Sonya up from school at 1 : 20 . So I rolled down all the windows , but that didn 't seem to be getting the smell out fast enough . Then I remembered how coffee beans cancel out strong smells , so I put a bowl of beans in the car . An hour later I went to see how it smelled . Well , the good news was the vanilla scent was dissipating . The bad news was my car smelled like a vanilla latte now . I felt like I was driving inside a Starbucks for the rest of the day . Unfortunately , I had to wake Georgia to pick up Sonya from school , which was not a good thing to do . Her brain had not reset entirely and I could tell she was still in migraine mode as soon as I picked her up . She was very pale , very weak and still claiming she had to " frow up " . She did , thankfully , manage to keep it contained to her blankie and car seat , so it wasn 't everywhere . But once the vomiting starts , it just keeps going until nothing is left . Every twenty minutes or so she would whimper and cry and I 'd bring her the bucket until eventually , her stomach was empty . She would still cry every so often , but nothing would really happen . Poor thing . I felt so bad for her . She layed on the couch all day , looking like death 's door . I tried to get her to sleep again , but she couldn 't . Then we got to a time where it was just to late for her to go to sleep unless I wanted her up at 3am . No thanks . So we waited it out . I was just aiming to get to 6pm to put her down , but somewhere around 4 : 30 , she sat up and started acting more lifelike . Then she said , She got down and went to play with her sisters for the next hour . She ate her entire dinner later on too . The migraine had apparently disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared earlier in the day . It was as if nothing had ever happened . It was just . . . weird . My youngest sister , Megan , has suffered from migraines in the past and when I told her this story none of it surprised her like it did me . Strong scents will trigger her migraines too . She also told me how terribly awful you feel when you have one and when it 's gone , it 's just gone . Like it never happened . Usually , it happens after you sleep though . That 's what threw me off with Georgia yesterday , because she never slept again before it went away . It was like a light switch just flipped off in her head . Like I said , weird . So , while it 's true I didn 't get much accomplished yesterday , it wasn 't a total loss . I did learn to keep Georgia away from strong scents , particularly the car freshener spritz . Well , at least I 'll save a little money next time I get my van washed . Sonya has never been one of those kids who I have to worry about saying embarrassing things about people . I don 't know if she is smart enough to know better , or is just to shy to talk in front of people she doesn 't know well . What I mean by this is she 's never pointed things out to strangers or even people we know that might make them feel uncomfortable . Like the time my mom was out shopping with my niece , Gracie . A nice woman came up to talk to them and comment on how cute Gracie was . Apparently the woman has some out of control hair , and Grace pointed it out by telling the woman that her hair was a mess . My sister was just grateful it was my mom who took the hit and not her . As many times as I 've been put in similar situations with Sonya , she has never said something like that . Until Friday . My Grandpa came over on Friday afternoon to see Sonya for her birthday , give her a card and the annual birthday gift of $ 10 . It 's so cute because he 's been giving the same amount for birthdays since I was a kid . Only when I was a kid I also got pieces of stale bubble gum taped to the inside of the card . That might have been my favorite part . He does have six grand kids , and fourteen great grand kids and after a while that money adds up . Perhaps $ 10 was a good amount to choose and stick with all those years ago , especially living on a fixed income . Either way , Sonya was excited for the money and couldn 't wait to put it in her piggy bank . We hung out and chatted for a while . Then we went to the kitchen so Sonya and I could make her birthday cake . Grandpa sat and watched as we made the batter . Sonya decided that was a good time to ask a few questions rolling around in her head . " Is Grandma dead ? " was the first thing on her mind . " Yes , Sonya , " I told her . " Remember she died over the summer and went to heaven ? " " Why don 't you ask him ? " I told her . So she did and he told her that he was 83 years old . Then she looked over at me and asked , " Why isn 't Grandpa dead yet ? " I wanted Southwest so I could " get away " . It 's not like the death questions are entirely new . We did deal with this a bit back in June , but it caught me off guard once again . Especially since this time it was IN FRONT of my Grandpa . It didn 't seem to bother him at all though . He 's well aware of his age and the fact that he is close to the end of his life . He started talking about telemarketers calling him , and how he explains to them that he 's too old and doesn 't have time to buy what they 're selling . After that the comment was forgotten . I think . Eh - Grandpa 's probably too old to remember anyway . Actually , that 's not true . He has a pretty good memory , but I 'll just pretend he doesn 't to save me the embarrassment . Posted by One day last week I was feeling particularly guilty about my bad mom behavior . The little girls were down for a nap , I was in the kitchen cleaning up ( this is what I spend 95 % of my day doing ) , and Sonya was coloring in the living room . I started thinking about how I yell at the girls sometimes , get frustrated with them , and don 't always the find time to play with them . I began to feel terrible about the way I was doing my job as a mom . So I said to Sonya from the kitchen , That response caught me completely off guard , because I honestly expected her to say something like , " that 's okay " . I started to tear up . I really wasn 't fishing for a compliment or validation but she gave it to me anyway . That is why even though there are times , MANY times , the girls make me want to tear my hair out , hop a flight to Hawaii or down a bottle glass of wine during the day , there are moments like that one with Sonya that make it all worth it . No matter how much I complain , become frustrated or annoyed , there are times where I 'm joyful , proud and awestruck . I have never for a moment regretted my decision to take this job six years ago today . Hearing how awesome I am from my daughter makes it all worth it a million times over . Happy 6th Birthday Sonya ! Thank you for making me what I am today . An awesome ( if sometimes temperamental ) mommy . Tomorrow is Sonya 's 6th birthday . SIX ! I can 't believe it ! When did I get here ? It 's just hard to believe that I 've been doing this job for the past six years . The funny thing is I thought it was going to get EASIER at some point . Stop laughing , mom . Okay sure , it is easier in some ways . I don 't have to wake up to feed a baby in the middle of the night anymore and there is only one child left in diapers , but in other ways it 's much , MUCH harder . After the past three days I just had , I think I would much rather be holed up in my house with an infant who wants to eat every 2 - 3 hours , and poops twice as much . Since Monday , I haven 't spent more than an hour at home from the time I 've gotten up until around 7pm at night . What could a stay at home mom possibly be doing all day ? Well . . . I 've spent my days picking up and dropping off the girls at school , library time , gymnastics , violin , Girl Scouts , the dentist and the doctor . We had a reception at Sonya 's school on Tuesday night for a contest she entered , for which I volunteered to make cookies in all my spare time . Then I had a meeting in the middle of the day yesterday for the parent adult education classes I take Georgia to , for which I had to bring a casserole , since it was a pot luck lunch . Also done in my endless amounts of spare time . Oh yeah , and I took the girls to a Fundraiser dinner last night ( by myself ) to Bob 's Big Boy , where I lost my credit card . THAT was a treat . ( It was later recovered though . Whew ! ) All this culminating to Georgia throwing up at bedtime last night and then again at 12 : 30 in the morning , 12 : 45 and around 1am . I was up with her and the pukey laundry until 2 : 15 this morning . Not to mention all my day to day house duties , which continued to mock me . As much as Andy helps when he 's around , or I make him help , he was not here for any of this . Well , except the after midnight throw ups when he kept GG occupied as I changed the sheets in her crib three times . So yeah , not easier . In fact after six years , I 'm pretty sure I deserve a raise . Remember that post I did just a couple weeks ago about Georgia ? The one where I said she was so sweet and my favorite right now ? If not , go here so you can recap . Anyway , soooo yeah . . . almost the DAY after I wrote that , things sorta um . . . changed . In the past couple of weeks , she has gone from being the sweet do everything I ask girl , to a whiny , crying , screaming , temper tantrum throwing terrible two year old . Even going places with her when she 's without her sisters are starting to present a challenge . So it appears the role of the favorite is back up for grabs ! I guess Sonya and Lana can duke it out , although amazingly enough , these days Lana is in the lead . I will keep you updated on how it all turns out . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

I suppose I can 't argue with that logic . I can barely help her with her first grade " pre - geometry " math . I really wish I was kidding about that . Posted by Hello all ! I 'm sorry I 've been a little behind in the posting lately . It 's that crazy time of year . I 'm just taking a little time to spend with the girls , my husband and parents , while they 're here . I just wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to all of you out there who keep up with me and my girls ! Thanks for all your support over the past year and a half . I hope you have a wonderful holiday season . I promise to go back to my normally scheduled writing program once the craziness of this time of year passes . Don 't worry , I already have stories . Like Sonya wanting to get her ears pierced out of nowhere . WHAT ? ! Stay tuned . . . Ever since Sonya lost her first tooth , my girls are obsessed with loose teeth now . Sonya does have another loose tooth right now , but Lana and Georgia are always telling me that one of their teeth is loose . Which of course it isn 't . They just want to be like their older sister . Not to mention that they saw how she was given money for her tooth , so it seems like a good trade off . Unfortunately for them , it 'll be a few years before a tooth actually does get loose . In the meantime they inspect every kid now to see if they have missing teeth then point it out to me when they do . On a completely different note , a couple weeks ago my dishwasher decided to stop working . ( Stick with me , these stories will tie together ) Something that I was SO happy about since I was planning a Christmas party and had eight different types of cookies , not to mention appetizer to make . This meant A LOT of dishes . So yeah , great timing . Doesn 't it always happen like that ? I called Sears to come out and repair it for us . First they weren 't going to come for almost a week . A WEEK ! Then I did call and manage to get a sooner appointment . But in the meantime I had to wash dishes by hand . Something I hadn 't done since I was eight . It was like living in the dark ages . Well , last Wednesday the repairman came to our house to fix our disabled dishwasher . He was a very nice man . However , upon first glance looked a little rough . Like he had some bad younger years but was trying to get his life together . He had a number of tattoos , which is not a big deal to me . I don 't mind tattoos and in fact have one myself , but it was the kind they were ( skulls ) and the places they were ( on his neck ) . The kind of thing that screams bad ass . There was also the fact that he was missing about three teeth in the front . But like I said before , he was a good guy . He fixed my dishwasher , and he asked about the girls . He had a two year old boy at home and we chatted about the terrible twos . As it turns out , my dishwasher had a build up of calcium due to the hard water we ha " Look mom ! He lost his tooth ! " Well , I did what I needed to do . I ignored her and carried on my conversation hoping he didn 't hear her or at least understand what she had said . Luckily , Lana didn 't push the issue , which is kinda weird for her , because most of the time she would have made a bigger deal about it . If he did hear her he didn 't let on , which I was thankful for , although I did feel badly that she had said that . He finished explaining to me what to do with the dishwasher and soon left . Thank goodness Lana didn 't say anything else embarrassing , like " why is there Halloween on that guy 's neck ? " . Between Sonya recently saying embarrassing things and now Lana , I 'm thinking that perhaps I will just give them all big pieces of bubble gum whenever people come over so they can 't talk at all . Well , either that or duct tape . Posted by After twenty years of driving you would think I would know how to pull up to a curb in front of a parked car without incident . You would think that , but you wouldn 't be correct . Tuesday afternoon I tried to pull up to the curb in front of a parked car and did indeed have an incident . I say incident , because it wasn 't really enough of a deal to be an accident , although it certainly was an accident . I wasn 't meaning to hit the four door sedan sitting there so innocently , parked across the street from the park . It was Tuesday and I was dropping Sonya off at Girl Scouts after picking her up from school and violin practice . My Tuesdays are always crazy . Her Girl Scout meetings are at a little cabin next to the park . I usually pull up to the curb , she hops out and goes to the cabin as I watch her . This time I had to park on the opposite side of the street , because there was no parking on the side near the park . Therefore I was going to have to get out and walk her across the street . I finally found a suitable spot and started to pull up to it . I saw the car sitting next to me . It 's not like I didn 't . I 'm not even sure how it happened . I mean sure I 've been crazy busy for a month now and had a ton on my mind so I was distracted in that sense , but it 's Christmas ! Who isn 't ? It 's not like I wasn 't texting or talking on the phone . I wasn 't even yelling at the girls , but all of a sudden as I 'm pulling in front of this car I hear , Yes , that was me saying some VERY bad words in front of all three of my girls . They were out of my mouth before I could stop them . I immediately followed it up with , I mean since they had already heard it , might as well get another one in there . Then they started asking me what happened . They were wondering what made me react in such a way , not to mention the noise they heard . I told them I accidentally hit the car behind us as I was pulling up to the curb . I was frazzled , but got Sonya of of the van , across the street and headed to her Girl Scout meeting . Lana and Georgia kept questioning what was going on and what I was doing . What I was doing was assessing the damage to both cars . My van had a big scratch down the side , but in all honesty , that side didn 't look so good before anyway . It wasn 't bad . Huh . Maybe the other car wasn 't bad either and I could pretend like this WHOLE thing never happened . Nope . The other car had a giant noticeable scratch too . Enough to know that it wasn 't there before , but not horrible . Something that could easily be fixed . I hoped . So I did what I knew was the right thing to do . The thing that would make sure Karma wouldn 't track me down and hit my van with a big rig . I left a note on the windshield . Maybe the person wouldn 't bother calling though . There was still hope I could pretend this never happened . Except he did call . Luckily he was a very understanding considerate man . He had been at the park playing with his kid when it happened . He told me that he googled my name since I left the note and found this blog . Then he said to me , " You 're really busy , so why don 't you just call your insurance company and have them deal with this , then you don 't have to worry about it . I just have one child and know how hard it is . I can 't imagine three ! " I found it amusing that he thinks I 'm so busy after reading a bit of my blog . What would lead him to think that I wonder ? I find it even more amusing that people can google me and come upon this website and look ! One accident and I have a new reader . ( Hi Mychael ! ) Perhaps I should hit more people parked near parks since they most likely have children . Although my insurance rates would most likely increase , which would sorta defeat the purpose I suppose . Anyway , my insurance company was great , they are dealing with it and it 's off my plate . I am sorry that this nice guy has to deal with getting his car fixed . He did tell me he worked freelance , and since he 's slow right now this would give him something to do . See I helped him out ! Just spreading the cheer everywhere this holiday season ! I didn 't tell Andy at first , because he had a lot going on the day it happened . Plus I wanted to get all the information I needed about what , if anything , it would cost us and how to proceed . I knew I would eventually have to tell him , not because of the scratch on the side of the van he 'd probably never notice that , but because I had three eyewitnesses who would surely rat me out at some point . Not to mention the fact that someday when one of them drops the F bomb , he 's going to be wondering where they heard it . GUILTY . It sucks too , because I 'm usually so good at watching my language around them . Oh well , as long as we 're not in public if they do say it we 'll be all good . Otherwise you 'll be reading about it on here . I will try to be more careful from now on . Not that I 'm not usually careful . In fact my insurance company said my rates would most likely not increase , because this wasn 't that bad . Also because , as they put it , I 've had a " boring record " for the past fourteen years . I did have a couple speeding tickets and was nabbed with a rolling stop when I was younger . Now I 'm a good driver . I do fear I have made my girls a bit nervous in the car now though . Later that day when I went to pick Sonya up from Girl Scouts , I had to turn around in the middle of the street . During my three point turn I got close to a parked car and Lana said , Last Tuesday morning I woke up , in a panic realizing , I forgot to do something . Every Tuesday I take Georgia to " class " . It 's a parent education class at the adult school down the street . It 's great , because we go together , she plays with kids her age while I hang out with the other moms . Then we do a circle time and sing songs . Afterward , all the moms go to a different room to have a discussion while the kids play next door . We all take turns watching the kids . It 's an awesome program and I wish I would have done it sooner , but I didn 't even know about it until last year . Anyway , last Tuesday Santa was coming to visit the class during our circle time . We were to bring a wrapped book so Santa could give it to our child . Of course , I forgot to get a damn book . No worries though ! We have a TON of books at home and I was sure I could find one that we hadn 't read much or at all . I knew she wouldn 't know even if I took one we had read before , but Georgia wouldn 't be the problem . Sonya would . Sonya has a fantastic memory . She always has . My mom has even mentioned that it seems almost photographic . I wouldn 't be surprised , since she learned things like her numbers and letters so early . I knew when I was looking through their books on Tuesday morning , my challenge was going to be finding something Sonya didn 't know we had . I came across a book called " The Goodnight Train " , which we 've had for well over a year . It had been stuck in with all the other small paperbacks and I think we maybe read it once when we first got it . It was a cute little story , perfect for Georgia and I was sure Sonya wouldn 't remember it . I really have to stop underestimating that kid . Well , Santa came to Georgia 's class and she was so excited to see him . She ran run up to him and gave him a hug , when he called her name to give her the present . She had no idea we ever had that particular book and was excited for it . I knew that meant that it would be a bedtime book , which meant Sonya would hear the story too . Little did I know , I wouldn 't have to wait for bedtime for Sonya 's memory to be tested . We picked up Sonya from school later that day and Georgia was telling her all about her visit with Santa and how she got a present . Then Sonya asked what book it was . I told her it was " The Goodnight Train " . Immediately she said , " No , we don 't , " I argued with her . Then I lied , " I think we checked it out from the library before . Maybe that 's what you 're thinking of . " " Nope , we have it already . I know , " she said . Great . She knows . Now what ? I continued to try and convince her that I didn 't see that book in their bookshelf and I really thought we just got it at the library at some point . She was not at all convinced . Then that night we got it out to read before bedtime . As soon as Sonya saw it she said again , " Sonya , I looked in your bookshelf today and I didn 't see it at all , " I told her . Then I said , " It doesn 't matter . This is Georgia 's gift from Santa and she likes it , so can you just drop it please . " Then when I was done reading it she said , " Yeah , I remember we had it because Nona gave it to us . " SERIOUSLY ? ? ! ! She not only remembers that specific book that we have read maybe , MAYBE once , but she remembers who gave it to them ? ! Over a year ago ? ! ? My only saving grace is that Georgia is too young to understand . And for as smart as Sonya is she didn 't figure out I took the book from home . She just thinks Santa gave us a book we already had , but now has mysteriously disappeared . This will be one of those stories that will be fun to piece together for her when she 's older and no longer believes in Santa . In the meantime I really have to watch everything I say and do with her . Actually , I could put this to good use and just start verbally giving her all my lists I make of things that need done . Then I don 't have to go searching to figure out where I put my lists . I 'll have Sonya there to tell me what 's next . Maybe I could even rent her out for other people with bad memories . It would be an extra way to make some cash . I mean she is six , so it 's about time for her to start pulling her weight around here . Posted by Today I had to make a trip to Costco with ALL THREE GIRLS ! AHHH ! THE HORROR ! Actually they were quite good , so that 's not really what I came to tell you today . When we first got there I grabbed a shopping cart and parked it in back of the car parked next to us . I took the girls out of the car and loaded them into the cart . Georgia and Lana were in the front , Sonya was hanging on the side . I was trying to get everything together when I noticed three men with a shopping cart full of Costco goods , standing next to the car I was blocking . I was obviously in their way . I felt bad , immediately apologized and began to move . There were two African American guys and I only mention this because I swear one of them was someone famous . He looked like a younger hotter version of LL Cool J . He smiled at me and said , " No , no problem , don 't worry ! " Then he looked at the girls and said , " Hi girls ! " The girls responded back with a chorus of " hello 's " . The cute guy 's one friend was on the phone and the other one was pushing the cart , which led me to believe they were some sort of entourage to this very handsome charasmatic guy . Living in L . A . you run across famous people just about everywhere . Sometimes you recognize them , sometimes you 're not sure if you do . He may have been someone . Who knows ? All I do know is that he was very attractive and personable while the other two guys he was with were , eh . We continued to walk down the aisle toward the Costco and I noticed Lana looking over my shoulder back to where the men were now loading their goods in their SUV . Then she looked at me and said , What ? Did I hear that right ? She 's three , correct ? How does she know what cute is ? Well , I guess the handsome , alluring stranger made her figure it out . Great . This past Thursday was our annual family trip to Disneyland . This year I had only one kid in diapers ! Even that isn 't too bad , because most of the time she informs me when she has to poop and we make it to a bathroom on time . Anyway , I love our trip to Disney every year . It 's a fun day with the whole family and our friend Melinda who gets us in for free ! Because really , who the hell can afford $ 76 a ticket these days ? Yes we use Melinda to get us in for free , but we also love her company . Plus in all fairness she uses us to get out of work for a day and go to Disney instead . It 's not a bad trade off . ( Thanks again Melinda ! ) It 's also a day that forces me not to cook , clean and be distracted by other duties . A day to hang out and have fun with my kids and husband . That 's just what we did . I think we rode more rides than we have in the past , which I was excited about , because I love rides . We did the usual ones like Dumbo , the carousel and Teacups . Well , Sonya and I didn 't ride the Teacups but everyone else did . She and I were more keen on keeping our breakfast in our stomachs for the time being . Riding the Teacups would have made that impossible for us . Then we tried some new ones . Andy and Melinda took Sonya and Lana on the little roller coaster in Toon Town . Unfortunately , Georgia wasn 't quite tall enough and she was NOT happy about it . She cried for about five minutes after they left . I distracted her by taking her into Goofy 's house and Donald 's boat . Every once in a while she would realize we were alone and the reason for that was because she couldn 't ride the roller coaster , so she would get upset all over again . Poor thing . Hopefully next year she 'll make the cut . We also did new rides like , Autotopia . That 's the one where you drive the cars around the track . Not sure why we never did that one before . I guess we just never got over there in the past . We only saw it this time , because we decided to go on the Finding Nemo ride . This ride opened over three years ago , but we 've never gone on , because the line hIt started out harmless enough . Except there was the guy behind us who freaked out when they closed the top of the submarine . He decided he had to get out RIGHT THEN , leaving his five year old son in the care of a stranger for the ride . I 'm assuming he was claustrophobic . Why even get in line , I 'm not sure , perhaps he thought he could handle it . Guess not . We were all fine . So far . It started off like I thought the whole thing was going to be . We were just looking through the portholes into what looked like the ocean , but with fake fish and fake coral . The girls were enjoying it , until we " dove deeper " and ended up in darkness . Then it also got extremely loud , which I guess was good , because then nobody could hear the screaming and crying of my two youngest girls . They were both in hysterics , Georgia more than Lana . They both kept saying " Mommy ! ! I wanna go hoooommmme ! " Oh boy . It wouldn 't have been that bad if we were on Snow White or Peter Pan and they would have gotten scared . Those rides are over in , what , 2 minutes ? Not Nemo . No , Nemo was more like Pirates of the Caribbean length . Perhaps a little less , but I 'm guessing we were in that sub for at least seven minutes with my screaming children , which felt more like an hour . When we finally got back to the start , the girls had calmed down some , but GG was still talking about going home . She was much happier when we went to the Autotopia and let her drive Andy around the track for five minutes instead . The rest of the day went more smoothly . There weren 't even any major kid breakdowns to speak of . We managed to convince Sonya to go on Pirates of the Caribbean , which she liked . I wasn 't sure if that was ever going to happen . Next year we 'll attempt the Haunted Mansion with her . Although the other two are sticking to Toon Town and Dumbo for a while . Even now they Lana keeps saying , All in all it was a great day . We had ice cream for dinner and stayed for Fireworks . Then we changed all the girls into their PJs when we got to the car and they were asleep within five minutes of leaving . I guess next year there will be no " Submaween wide " for the Dadekains . They 're just going to have to find Nemo without us . Posted by I know posting has been light the past week , and I apologize for that . Can 't say it 's going to get much better until after Christmas . I 'm about to enter into a very crazy time because of the holidays . Oh and since I didn 't have enough going on , I 've volunteered to do things at Sonya 's school and for Georgia 's class over the next few weeks . I blame my mom for this . She also can never sit still . Thanks mom ! Anyway , I will do my best to keep you updated when I can . Keep checking back ! In the meantime I did want to tell you about Sonya 's move to her new room . Sonya turned six a few weeks ago , and I 'm embarrassed to admit , was still in a toddler bed . I know , I know , but we were just trying to figure out when and how to move her out . Georgia was still in her crib and that particular crib turns into a double bed , so it was going to mean a whole lot of work getting everything switched around . Since my in - laws were here until Tuesday , we decided it would be a good idea for Andy and his father to put the bed together on Sunday . We would get a mattress for it and be all set . There was also the matter of moving toys and clothes around while purging ourselves of a ton of baby toys we still had . ( I won 't tell you how sad that particular task made me . Well , maybe not as sad as taking down the crib . Tear . ) So the plan was to have Sonya at least sleeping in her room by Sunday night , even though the things in the rooms would still need moving . Ah plans ! How they rarely work out . Andy and his father went to buy a mattress on Sunday afternoon . I told him just to buy it and put it in the van because it would fit with all the seats down . Instead they got it delivered for Monday night . Apparently it was cheaper price and a better mattress to have it delivered . Don 't ask me , I wasn 't there . Sounds kind of strange , but fine whatever . Sonya slept on the floor with her sisters in her old room on Sunday night . It was so nice with all of them in there together . They went right to sleep with no problems . Oh WAIT ! That 's right , they were up until TEN PM ! ! Sonya managed to fall asleep amidst the chaos around nine , but the other two were in full party mode for another hour . Monday came and I worked on the rooms some more . It look like a bomb exploded in my house , but it was slowly getting done . The mattress was scheduled to be delivered between 6 - 9pm . I just LOVE the delivery window , don 't you ? I don 't know why , but I had one of my premonitions that it just wasn 't going to come . I ignored it . Then when 8 : 30 rolled around , but the mattress didn 't , I knew I was probably right . We eventually put Sonya to bed with the girls again . This time they were all so tired from the night before they fell asleep fairly quick . Still , she was supposed to be sleeping in her new bed and here she was on the floor again . No phone call from the store , nothing . The store was already closed , but I called and left a message anyway , letting them know I wasn 't so happy . Let me tell you now , if you 're ever in a situation like this where you 've been wronged , leave it to me to make it right . I become what I like to refer to as " nice bitchy " . You can tell I 'm mad , but I 'm trying to act nice to not put the other party completely on the defensive . It 's only when I don 't get results do I get " bitchy bitchy " . And I have had to go there a few times . It 's not pretty . Ask anyone in my family . Especially when I 'm hungry and waiting for a table in a restaurant and someone who walks in after us gets a table first . OH NO THEY DIDIN ' ! ! Do NOT go there with me . Anyway , I received no phone call the next morning , so I called them myself . I started out nice bitchy , preparing myself to take out the big guns if needed . I explained the situation and the polite man on the phone , who didn 't really have anything to do with our sale or what happened , went to investigate . When he called me back he explained that somehow the invoice did not get faxed over to them , therefore they didn 't even know there was a mattress to be delivered yesterday , and could they deliver it tomorrow instead ? To which I replied , " Well , my daughter had to sleep on the floor last night because you didn 't bring the mattress when you said you would , and that will not happen again today . If you don 't want an angry customer , then you will deliver today before 6pm , " I told him . Yes , I was quickly approaching bitchy bitchy . " Okay , hold on , " he told me . Then he came back to the phone and informed me they would have it at my house between 2 - 4pm . Well , look at that ! They DID have time today . I thanked him and hung up . Around 3pm , the mattress arrived . The delivery man was apologetic and nice , but there was one tiny problem . The box spring we got to go with it , was WAY to big for the bed . He knew as soon as he took one look at the bed . He told me there was a " bunky board " box spring that was smaller and would be a better size . Unfortunately , they wouldn 't be able to deliver it until Wednesday , but we could keep this one until they could switch it out . It wasn 't their fault we got the wrong box spring , so that was fine with me . It was a bit ridiculous looking though . I felt like I should put a pea under the mattress to see if Sonya could feel it while she was sleeping , thus proving her a real princess . After he left , I continued my quest for the room swap . It was a mess and I was exhausted . Then around 5 : 30 the mattress store called back . It was the same delivery guy . He felt bad at how high the bed was and managed to find the smaller box spring in their Burbank store . Would it be okay for them to deliver it and take the other one sometime within in the hour ? HELLS YEAH ! I told him . Well maybe it was more like , " that would be great " , but I was excited that they were making up for the faux pas from the night before . So they did . They redeemed themselves for their mistake and I was able to leave nice bitchy behind and just be nice . The bed was much better with the smaller box spring and it looks great . Sonya was excited to sleep in her new room and new bed last night . Despite the fact that earlier in the week she told me she was a little sad that she would be the only one sleeping without a partner , she fell asleep just fine . Plus she did find a new partner and Jazz found a new comfy spot to snooze . I wish I could say the other two who are now partnered up fell asleep just fine too , but I think it 's going to be a long time before the party ends in that room . . . if ever . Now , my first baby girl is back to the first bed and first room she ever slept in . Even if it is much bigger and more grown up . That 's the part that makes this the most difficult , because so is she . * Just a quick note - we are not completely done with the room and yes the animal border will be coming down and replaced with something else . For now , it 's my last baby reminder . Tear . Every Friday morning I take Georgia and Lana to gymnastics . They have both been going to gymnastics since before they can remember . No joke . Lana , since infancy and Georgia , since before she was born . Sonya started going when she was two , so her sisters have just followed suit . They all love it , so that 's why we keep going , despite the Hawaiian vacation we could have taken with all the money we 've spent there . When we go on Friday , Georgia has her class first with me , then Lana has a class immediately after , without mommy . Sometimes during her class she decides she needs to use the bathroom . Usually she 'll come get me and tell me when this happens , so I can come help her . I guess Friday she decided she was big enough to do it alone . Only she wasn 't . I was chatting with my friend Melissa . Quick aside : This is a different Melissa than the one I 've mentioned before , who I 've been friends with since college . This is mom Melissa . She has three kids all around the same ages as my girls . Our husbands used to work together too , so we 've been acquainted for a while . Now her youngest and Lana are in the same gymnastics class together , so every Friday morning we chat and catch up on the latest with our kids or what 's going on in Burbank . Our small town in the middle of a big city . And Melissa reads this blog . ( Hi Melissa ! ) Anyway , back to the story . We were chatting away not paying much attention to our little gymnasts , when teacher Danielle ran over to tell me Lana had locked herself in the bathroom . Uh - oh . I ran back to the where the one room bathroom was and talked to Lana through the door . She was crying and scared . " Lana , " I said calmly . " Lana , it 's okay , calm down . " More crying . " It 's okay girly . Just unlock the door . It 's just like the lock on Georgia 's door at home . " Then I realized what had happened . She went in there thinking she could do this all by herself . Went to the potty , no problem . Wiped herself , no problem . Got soap on her hands , no problem . Then she went to turn the water on . . . big problem . The faucet in the bathroom has one of those handles that you pull up to turn on and push down to turn off . She can never pull it up , I always help her , especially after already having soap on her hands . And because she had soap on her hands , she couldn 't get a grip on the lock to turn it and let herself out of the bathroom , making her stuck . " Oh girly ! " I said . " Can you go get a paper towel and wipe the soap off your hands ? " At this point Melissa had come back to help talk to Lana , but we were both laughing at the same time . Quietly , so Lana couldn 't hear us . I mean it WAS funny and she wasn 't in any danger , just a bit scared . Plus it reminded me of the time my sister Beth locked herself in our bathroom at home , when she was about the same age . We had a babysitter over and she couldn 't figure out how to get Beth out , so she called her boyfriend to come over and take off the entire door handle . I remember pushing books under the crack in the door so Beth had something to do while she was in there waiting to be rescued . The crack under this door didn 't look big enough for a book . Teacher Alex came back with some keys to try in the lock . When none of those worked , he tried a paper clip . I started eyeing the doorknob , trying to figure out how long it would take to disassemble it . At the same time , Melissa and I kept talking to Lana through the door , encouraging her to wipe off her hands and try the lock again . " YAY , LANA ! " We all yelled . She walked over to me and hugged my leg and got a little weepy again . I assured her that everything was alright and she was fine . I hugged her for a couple minutes . Then she pulled herself together and went off to finish her class . She was fine after that . No harm done . If this was Sonya , I 'd say she 'd never go to the bathroom alone again until college , but Lana , she tends to bounce back and try things again . We 'll see what happens if she tries to go by herself next time . I think I 'll put a couple magazines in my backpack , just in case . I 'm pretty sure those will fit under the door . Yesterday was one of those days I had all these things planned to do and got pretty much none of it accomplished . The reason was because in the morning Georgia came down with a migraine . I know some of you just looked at your computer cross eyed and thought WHHHAAAA ? ? Yes , Georgia suffers from migraines at the ripe old age of 2 . I thought I had mentioned that on here before , but after researching my back blogs , I didn 't see anything . We discovered it over the summer . Here 's the quick back story . Georgia would have these episodes when she would , out of nowhere , start to cry and whine that she was going to " frow up " . Then she would . Every 15 - 20 minutes until there was nothing left in her stomach . Afterward she would pass out cold for a nap or for the night if it was close to bed time . I kept thinking she had a stomach bug , but when she would wake up she 'd be completely fine , ready to eat anything and never developed a fever . When I took her for her two year check up in June I mentioned these symptoms to the Pediatrician . He wasn 't extremely worried , but thought it best to refer me to a neurologist , just to check things out . A few weeks later we went to see a very sweet and extremely informative neurologist , who deals with kids and adults . After relaying all of Georgia 's symptoms , she did a quick check up on her . I also informed her of our family history ( migraine candidates on BOTH sides of the family ) . She came to the very certain conclusion that what GG was displaying was the kid version of a migraine . Apparently , they can get them as young as SIX MONTHS OLD ! Instead of the normal headache migraine that adults get , they do this throw up and then pass out thing . I guess some adults get that too . The sleeping is what resets their brains and gets rid of the migraine . Other than sleep there is not really any medication or anything to be given to kids this young . Trying to prevent the migraines , by learning Georgia 's triggers is probably the best way to help her . It 's figuring out the triggers that 's the tricky part . It can be anything from certain foods ( chocolate , sugar ) to lack of rest . Plus , everyone has different triggers . Up until yesterday she hadn 't had and episode since June , before we even saw the doctor . I was even beginning to think maybe she didn 't suffer from migraines , until yesterday happened . First of all , I partially blame Andy for the one yesterday . Just five days ago , when he was on the computer with his parents , he mentioned to them how Georgia hadn 't had an episode in a while . Does he not know that the universe targets people who say such things like that ? Does he not know you 're supposed to knock on wood or something if you 're going to say such a thing OUT LOUD ? ? Have I taught him NOTHING ? ! I guess not . On the plus side , I did discover one of her triggers yesterday . Thursday mornings is my alone time with Georgia . I usually run errands with her that day , because it 's so nice just having one kid to worry about and she loves all the attention . She 's usually really good , because she 's alone with me . I had plans to go to the bank , post office , get the car washed . That kind of thing . Originally the car wash was last on my list , but for some reason I decided to make it first . Regretted THAT decision later . It was the only thing I got to do yesterday . For those of you who live in Los Angeles , you know there are car washes everywhere . Nobody really ever washes their own car here . Maybe during the summer on a hot day for fun , but it 's so much easier to just go get it done , and it 's not that expensive . Since my in - laws are coming this Sunday , I thought it best to have someone get rid of the goldfish , cheerio , pretzel infestation on the floor of my car . So we went to the car wash down the street and I decided which wash package I wanted . Some of the packages include an air freshener spritz . Sometimes I get it sometimes not , depends on how much money I feel like spending . Yesterday I did . THIS was my downfall . I chose vanilla scent . Also probably a bad idea . Most of the time the scent is not overpowering , but someone went a little crazy with the spritz yesterday , and the smell hit me in the face as soon as I climbed in the car . Georgia commented on it immediately too , I kinda got what she was saying . The vanilla smell is reminiscent of a vanilla cake baking , but more perfumy . So at first she kinda liked it , until 30 seconds later when she didn 't . What ? She was fine two minutes ago . We were having fun at the car wash with the cute doggie , someone let us pet , and the gumball I bought her . Now , all of a sudden , she was going to throw up ? ? I was confused . We stopped at the post office on our way home and I got her out of the car . She was pale and listless , but seemed better outside of the car . Then we got back in to go home and she was right back to , Then I realized it must be the scent . Could strong scents trigger migraines ? I had no idea , because I don 't suffer from them myself . I got her home without " frowing up " . I laid her down on the couch with her blankie Then I Googled migraine triggers and strong scents was indeed on that list . Son of a BITCH ! I found a trigger for Georgia ! Suddenly I realized , Oh crap . I had to put her back in the car to pick Sonya up from school at 1 : 20 . So I rolled down all the windows , but that didn 't seem to be getting the smell out fast enough . Then I remembered how coffee beans cancel out strong smells , so I put a bowl of beans in the car . An hour later I went to see how it smelled . Well , the good news was the vanilla scent was dissipating . The bad news was my car smelled like a vanilla latte now . I felt like I was driving inside a Starbucks for the rest of the day . Unfortunately , I had to wake Georgia to pick up Sonya from school , which was not a good thing to do . Her brain had not reset entirely and I could tell she was still in migraine mode as soon as I picked her up . She was very pale , very weak and still claiming she had to " frow up " . She did , thankfully , manage to keep it contained to her blankie and car seat , so it wasn 't everywhere . But once the vomiting starts , it just keeps going until nothing is left . Every twenty minutes or so she would whimper and cry and I 'd bring her the bucket until eventually , her stomach was empty . She would still cry every so often , but nothing would really happen . Poor thing . I felt so bad for her . She layed on the couch all day , looking like death 's door . I tried to get her to sleep again , but she couldn 't . Then we got to a time where it was just to late for her to go to sleep unless I wanted her up at 3am . No thanks . So we waited it out . I was just aiming to get to 6pm to put her down , but somewhere around 4 : 30 , she sat up and started acting more lifelike . Then she said , She got down and went to play with her sisters for the next hour . She ate her entire dinner later on too . The migraine had apparently disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared earlier in the day . It was as if nothing had ever happened . It was just . . . weird . My youngest sister , Megan , has suffered from migraines in the past and when I told her this story none of it surprised her like it did me . Strong scents will trigger her migraines too . She also told me how terribly awful you feel when you have one and when it 's gone , it 's just gone . Like it never happened . Usually , it happens after you sleep though . That 's what threw me off with Georgia yesterday , because she never slept again before it went away . It was like a light switch just flipped off in her head . Like I said , weird . So , while it 's true I didn 't get much accomplished yesterday , it wasn 't a total loss . I did learn to keep Georgia away from strong scents , particularly the car freshener spritz . Well , at least I 'll save a little money next time I get my van washed . Sonya has never been one of those kids who I have to worry about saying embarrassing things about people . I don 't know if she is smart enough to know better , or is just to shy to talk in front of people she doesn 't know well . What I mean by this is she 's never pointed things out to strangers or even people we know that might make them feel uncomfortable . Like the time my mom was out shopping with my niece , Gracie . A nice woman came up to talk to them and comment on how cute Gracie was . Apparently the woman has some out of control hair , and Grace pointed it out by telling the woman that her hair was a mess . My sister was just grateful it was my mom who took the hit and not her . As many times as I 've been put in similar situations with Sonya , she has never said something like that . Until Friday . My Grandpa came over on Friday afternoon to see Sonya for her birthday , give her a card and the annual birthday gift of $ 10 . It 's so cute because he 's been giving the same amount for birthdays since I was a kid . Only when I was a kid I also got pieces of stale bubble gum taped to the inside of the card . That might have been my favorite part . He does have six grand kids , and fourteen great grand kids and after a while that money adds up . Perhaps $ 10 was a good amount to choose and stick with all those years ago , especially living on a fixed income . Either way , Sonya was excited for the money and couldn 't wait to put it in her piggy bank . We hung out and chatted for a while . Then we went to the kitchen so Sonya and I could make her birthday cake . Grandpa sat and watched as we made the batter . Sonya decided that was a good time to ask a few questions rolling around in her head . " Is Grandma dead ? " was the first thing on her mind . " Yes , Sonya , " I told her . " Remember she died over the summer and went to heaven ? " " Why don 't you ask him ? " I told her . So she did and he told her that he was 83 years old . Then she looked over at me and asked , " Why isn 't Grandpa dead yet ? " I wanted Southwest so I could " get away " . It 's not like the death questions are entirely new . We did deal with this a bit back in June , but it caught me off guard once again . Especially since this time it was IN FRONT of my Grandpa . It didn 't seem to bother him at all though . He 's well aware of his age and the fact that he is close to the end of his life . He started talking about telemarketers calling him , and how he explains to them that he 's too old and doesn 't have time to buy what they 're selling . After that the comment was forgotten . I think . Eh - Grandpa 's probably too old to remember anyway . Actually , that 's not true . He has a pretty good memory , but I 'll just pretend he doesn 't to save me the embarrassment . Posted by One day last week I was feeling particularly guilty about my bad mom behavior . The little girls were down for a nap , I was in the kitchen cleaning up ( this is what I spend 95 % of my day doing ) , and Sonya was coloring in the living room . I started thinking about how I yell at the girls sometimes , get frustrated with them , and don 't always the find time to play with them . I began to feel terrible about the way I was doing my job as a mom . So I said to Sonya from the kitchen , That response caught me completely off guard , because I honestly expected her to say something like , " that 's okay " . I started to tear up . I really wasn 't fishing for a compliment or validation but she gave it to me anyway . That is why even though there are times , MANY times , the girls make me want to tear my hair out , hop a flight to Hawaii or down a bottle glass of wine during the day , there are moments like that one with Sonya that make it all worth it . No matter how much I complain , become frustrated or annoyed , there are times where I 'm joyful , proud and awestruck . I have never for a moment regretted my decision to take this job six years ago today . Hearing how awesome I am from my daughter makes it all worth it a million times over . Happy 6th Birthday Sonya ! Thank you for making me what I am today . An awesome ( if sometimes temperamental ) mommy . Tomorrow is Sonya 's 6th birthday . SIX ! I can 't believe it ! When did I get here ? It 's just hard to believe that I 've been doing this job for the past six years . The funny thing is I thought it was going to get EASIER at some point . Stop laughing , mom . Okay sure , it is easier in some ways . I don 't have to wake up to feed a baby in the middle of the night anymore and there is only one child left in diapers , but in other ways it 's much , MUCH harder . After the past three days I just had , I think I would much rather be holed up in my house with an infant who wants to eat every 2 - 3 hours , and poops twice as much . Since Monday , I haven 't spent more than an hour at home from the time I 've gotten up until around 7pm at night . What could a stay at home mom possibly be doing all day ? Well . . . I 've spent my days picking up and dropping off the girls at school , library time , gymnastics , violin , Girl Scouts , the dentist and the doctor . We had a reception at Sonya 's school on Tuesday night for a contest she entered , for which I volunteered to make cookies in all my spare time . Then I had a meeting in the middle of the day yesterday for the parent adult education classes I take Georgia to , for which I had to bring a casserole , since it was a pot luck lunch . Also done in my endless amounts of spare time . Oh yeah , and I took the girls to a Fundraiser dinner last night ( by myself ) to Bob 's Big Boy , where I lost my credit card . THAT was a treat . ( It was later recovered though . Whew ! ) All this culminating to Georgia throwing up at bedtime last night and then again at 12 : 30 in the morning , 12 : 45 and around 1am . I was up with her and the pukey laundry until 2 : 15 this morning . Not to mention all my day to day house duties , which continued to mock me . As much as Andy helps when he 's around , or I make him help , he was not here for any of this . Well , except the after midnight throw ups when he kept GG occupied as I changed the sheets in her crib three times . So yeah , not easier . In fact after six years , I 'm pretty sure I deserve a raise . Remember that post I did just a couple weeks ago about Georgia ? The one where I said she was so sweet and my favorite right now ? If not , go here so you can recap . Anyway , soooo yeah . . . almost the DAY after I wrote that , things sorta um . . . changed . In the past couple of weeks , she has gone from being the sweet do everything I ask girl , to a whiny , crying , screaming , temper tantrum throwing terrible two year old . Even going places with her when she 's without her sisters are starting to present a challenge . So it appears the role of the favorite is back up for grabs ! I guess Sonya and Lana can duke it out , although amazingly enough , these days Lana is in the lead . I will keep you updated on how it all turns out . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

I apologize for not being around much lately . Recently I just got back from visiting my sister in Korea . And I 've been busy working to catch back up at work . I have not died but at the same time I find myself at a loss for story writing currently . I have not seen anything lately to motivate me into turning out any new stories either . On another note I started trying out the opened beta for Ragnarok Online 2 : Legend of the second with some friends of mine . Looks like a pretty promising game other then it 's hosted in china and at peak hours i find myself lagging really bad . I think I need a new computer too because mine seems to be making a lot of noise while I try to play Ragnarok Online . Otherwise that pretty much covers everything . New Years was pretty boring same with Christmas but I had fun in Korea at least . I 'll try to post something constructive again soon when I get my head out of the clouds . side of a mountain that overlooked the ocean . The castle was where the girl lived . She would sleep there in a room just for herself . She would also eat there . There was no one else around to spend time with her because Once upon a time there was a woman who had a interest in writing stories that had mystery themes or even enjoyed writing stories which were about ghosts and haunting . Her name was Christine and she often traveled from place to place anywhere that the train rails could travel collecting people 's stories and turning them into books . She was quite a popular writer at the time with some of the major book stores carrying her amazing stories . Of course even as a writer she had a normal life outside of her mystery and haunting stories . Her father had asked if she would travel to California to visit her aunt who was sick . She tried as best as she could to make up a million and one excuses why she couldn 't but alas her father was the winner at the end of the argument . She went up stairs and started packing her bags very frustrated and huffing about having to even go . There was a knock on the door down stairs and she was so angry she just ignored it even when her father had called her multiple times to come down and get it . Her father gave up and went to the front door to answer it when he opened it he saw it was Karen one of Christine 's friends he apologized for her not answering the door because she 's in a bad mood today . Karen said to him there was no need to apologize because she knows how stubborn I could be I was listening from the upstairs . I heard Karen coming up stairs and when she got near I started to mumble about how frustrated I was about having to go to California . And of course when Karen came in she was like it 's not that bad it might be fun maybe you 'll find some new material for another book she said . I told her I seriously doubt anything will happen and by the time I get to California my aunt will be fine and it will be a boring trip and uneventful . Then Karen said I have a wonderful idea why don 't I go with you on your trip it might be more fun if you have someone to talk to . I thought about it for a few moments and decided it was a good idea so I rushed down the stairs and said to my fathShe asked if I had any other plans so I told her I wanted to go to the library and find out about Stillwater Town for a book I plan on writing . This was the first time she had heard about me writing books in which I told her some of the book titles I made and she snapped her fingers and said I knew it I saw a book which reminded me of a story you used to tell awhile ago about our home town in New York about a haunted hotel and I said that was my very first book published . She was quite amazed knowing how big of a seller it is in California she said I was pretty famous . She told me where I could find the library and I got a carriage and went to head out Karen said wait I 'm coming too and got dressed and joined me . When we got to the library it was a much larger building then the small library 's at home and they had a massive amount of books inside it seemed to be very empty but all the way in the back there was an old man on a ladder placing some books on a top shelf . I asked him if he could help us and he came down from the ladder and asked what we needed . I told him about the train attendant and how he said you would know about Stillwater Town and what happened . He seemed shocked that anyone would want to know about the town . He first warned us that many people who have tried to go there have gone missing before volunteering any information at first . I said I was still very interested in hearing about it and told him that I 'm a writer of books . He said in the early 1700 's it was a big and upcoming town because of gold which was found in a local mine area but he said as the town grew so did the crime with it . He said there were a lot of violent people who would rush into town to rob and steal from the town 's people and eventually a stranger rolled in one who said he was going to clean up the town . Everyone was very happy about it and as time went on it seemed like he was a hero who was sent to save the town . Unfortunately that wasn 't going to last some of the local criminals got together and set a traThe train conductor told us that he thought we were out of our minds for wanting to go to Stillwater Town but he could not do anything to stop us but advise us not to go since we were set on wanting to go even Karen tried to talk us out of it but we really wanted to go . The train got underway shortly after we all got on and had our supplies and everything ready . The train attendant told us that they would drop us off at the station and come back within a week to pick us back up if we were still alive he said . So I have not been around lately . I was spending some time in california checking on a friend of mine who has cancer and is not doing very well . It was pretty upsetting she did not reconize me at all and we have been friends for a very long time . I did manage to meet many of her other friends who I never met before it was a pretty large gathering of people who came to visit her . And later some of her friends invited me out to dinner and we had a really great time so that ended up lightening the sad parts of it some . I realize I have been slacking on stories I have one which is not finished yet and I will be publishing it soon . I was also invited to play tera online with a friend recently but my computer cannot run anything but ragnarok online and I just do not have time for anything else . But otherwise I got a job recently too and other then being extremely busy everything is going pretty well . I will try to update more often . The year is 2015 the world has faced major economic collapse which has caused a major separation between the rich and the poor people and at the time I thought that this was bad enough and that it could not get any worse than this . But I was wrong something was about to happen that I did not expect . While the fall of the economy the rise of a new company called Global Food Corporation had its rise to power . This company took over the sales an export of all types of food . Of course this did not matter much for me since I owned a farm out in the wilderness away from all the major cities I just made my own food everything from wheat down to fruits and vegetables . Most of my time was spent on my farm . The area surrounding my farm was known as Crimson Falls because of the bright crimson flowers that would grow along the road side . I only spent about one day per month to go to a local town and catch up on what was going on in the world . The season was August and it was a hot summer day I was heading into town to pick up some supplies and some tools so I could fix the radio receiver back home . I headed over to the general store where I was kindly greeted by the store owner who I 've known for a long time . I gave him the list of supplies I needed and while him went into the back to get my order I waited listening to the radio . Over the radio I could hear something which sounded like a warning but I missed part of it because the radio was set to low . I called out to the store owner and asked if I could raise the sound on the radio and he was like sure you do not need to ask go ahead . So I raised the sound and this time I heard the news cast saying that everyone is recommended to stay inside and keep their windows and doors shut because there was a problem with some shipment of food that was delivered to a city which is a few miles from here . They said the government was looking into it . That kind of worried me because I didn 't know what was going on . I asked the owner of the store about it and he said that some kind of disease infected food which was shipped by Global Food Corporation but there was not much information about what was going on . After paying for my supplies I decided it was a good idea to just head back home . When I got back to my farm the phone had been ringing and I ran inside and caught a few seconds before it stopped ringing . It was my friend Mike who I haven 't heard from in a long time after he moved to the city . He asked me if I heard what was going on which I told him about the radio transmission I heard . Then he said you do not know the whole story every store which had received shipments from Global Food Corporation have this problem and the disease is airborne and very infectious to anyone who just breaths in air that is carrying the disease . I asked him if he was going to be okay and he said he was calling to see if it was okay for him to stay at my farm with his girlfriend . I told him it would be fine I said just tryI thought to myself how lucky I was to be living so far away from towns . I went out to water the farm and take care of everything that needed to be done . Then I went inside to fix the radio receiver it did not take me very long before I started to hear news coming from the radio and having it work . The news was a recorded message telling everyone to stay inside and not to panic . I switched channels looking for a live broadcast and every channel I switched to was another recording of the same thing . I tried to use the receiver to call someone who was a few towns away to see if I could even get to talk to him and I was not getting anything . It was like all of the airway 's and radio stations where dead . The phone started to ring so I went over to get it when I picked it up I heard the voice of someone I didn 't recognize . I asked who this was and he said do not you remember this is Tom and I tried to think of who Tom was but I could not really think with everything going on . So he said remember that time where the three of us you me and mike were on the lake with the boat and Tom fell in and I almost ran him over with the boat motor . And that made me remember him but I haven 't talked to him in such a long time . He asked if I was safe and I told him I live on a farm way out in the middle of nowhere . I asked him if he was alright or if he needed a place to stay . He paused for a moment and said that he was okay for the time being but was not sure what he should do . I asked if there was anything I could do to help . He paused and was like um well . And I told him just spit it out and he said well I have a family now and I 'm trying to find a place my wife and daughters can stay too . I told him that is not a problem and he said he was not sure because of how he used to like me he did not want to make me feel uncomfortable bringing his wife to stay at my house . I told him I couldn 't even remember who he was at first let alone whether he liked me or not . He said wait a minute now I was handsome back then and I said sThen we hung up I decided to check the internet to see what was going on . And there was posts from people very upset about the situation but most of the search engines and news websites had very little information some which claimed it to be an attack from terrorists but most of the people seemed to believe it was an attack from our own government on the people saying they have been covering up most of the news and true details . I went to a video website and the amount of user posted videos of the chaos that was going on in towns especially footage of people who were infected was just insane . I clicked on one video and the main in the video said he was already sick so there was no point in him escaping instead he went outside and was filming people on the street . He said the air was thick with the smell of rotting flesh and his video showed corpses of people just laying in the street with no one to even buried them . The people who were still alive in the town were fighting with each other or clawing at houses trying to get people to help them . At the end of the video the man said he didn 't have much time left but warned everyone to stay out of the cities and said by the time this video uploads he would be dead . It made me sick to my stomach to see the horrific way people were dying and that the government was not doing much to help any of them . Another video was clear evidence that Global Food Corporation was tied to the government he provided documents and also said he was a former worker who stated that the government was planning to use this epidemic to get rid of all the poor people . After I finished watching it I thought about saving the video so I could show my friends I went back into it and the video was gone and claimed to be removed by copy write infringement . That made me even more suspicious because the video was brand new I noticed many of the uploaded videos having to do with what was going on were quickly disappearing from the video websites until the website itself was taken down completely . I dThe next morning I checked the video websites and none of them ever came back up . There was also a change with the news websites they were saying that you shouldn 't trust any videos or anything you read outside of their websites . They also said that there was a vaccine which would be distributed that will allow your body to fight off the disease but the military and government were the first of the priority to get it . I heard a car pull up and went outside to see who it was . When I went outside I saw it was Mike and his girlfriend Christine I greeted both of them with hugs they were happy to see me . I asked if they had any problems getting here and they told me it was a pretty easy ride especially since no one was traveling the road at all . I helped them bring their stuff in and showed them to the room they could use . I told Mike about how Tom was coming with his family and also told him about what I saw with the news and video stations and he confirmed how horrible the cities where and said how he was lucky to get out with his girlfriend . He asked me if there was anything I needed him to do but I said that both of them should rest and I went out to take care of the farm . Just before I was about to head in for lunch I heard what sounded like a truck tires screeching and then shortly after a crash . I wondered what that could have been . Mike came out of the house he had heard it too we walked up the street towards were the sound came from . We saw tire tracks across the ground which lead off the road and down into this small creek . At the edge of the creek there was a small army truck pinned against some tree 's and a wild boar which was smashed all over the front of the truck . We went down near the truck to see if there were any survivors but a tree branch had impaled the driver from the driver side of the truck and there was no one else in the truck . Mike told me to see if there was a gas can to empty the gas tank to prevent it from exploding . I found a gas tank attached to the back of the truck and used it to start removing the gas with a small tube I found located within the gas tank . Mike was able to get the army soldier out of the truck and laid him on the ground . Then mike called me over cause he said he found something I looked into the truck from the passenger 's side and saw a crate marked vaccine I remembered about the government saying they had developed a vaccine for the disease I said to mike do you think this could be it and he thought it might be . We decided to take it back with us . We also opened the back of the truck to see what else we could find and there were some creates with weapons and some supplies like flash lights radios so Mike walked back to the house to get his car and brought it back to the location of the truck so we could bring all of the supplies back . While he did that I took a shovel which I found in the back and buried the soldier and made a small grave marker with his dog tags to mark the spot . I road back with Mike to the house and then tried to reach the authorities on the radio about the army truck but everything was still dead I got no responses from anyone . Shortly after Tom and his family came so we didn 't have time to look at the vaccine crate we found we helped them bring their stuff into the house and showed them to their rooms . Tom introduced me to his wife Rose and his two children Lily and Robert who were hiding behind their mother . I adored how cute the children were and I hugged both of them even though they had the look of fear like who is this strange women . They quickly warmed up to me and I could see they really liked my farm out in the middle of nowhere . Then we filled Tom and his wife in on what happened with the army truck and what we found . We sat down in the living room and opened up the crate . Inside was a steel box which was cold to the touch we opened it and inside where vials of the vaccine which were stored on dry ice . Of course we still weren 't sure about whether or not it was safe to use . Everyone kind of feared about what if it was poison or would not work . I spoke up and said I 'll try it first and Mike and Tom thought that was a bad idea and I said you both have families if it kills me it 's not a big deal . Mike and Tom both kept trying to talk me out of it and I grabbed one of the syringes out of one of the other boxes took some of the vaccine and injected myself and said well it looks like it 's too late now . And Mike and Tom and everyone looked like they were angry at me for being so wreak less . I took the rest of the vaccine and put it into the refrigerator to keep it cold and said if I do not die everyone else can use it . That night I felt sick to my stomach for part of the night I was not sure if it was the vaccine or just because I ate too much at dinner but I finally fell asleep . The next morning I was feeling great I woke up early feeling refreshed and energized . I made breakfast for everyone and headed out to take care of the farm . I went out to start harvesting the blueberries which were just ripened for the season . Tom and Mike met me later during the day to help and after we were done I went inside to make lunch . Everyone else decided that the vaccine was safe to take and later that night everyone made sure to take some . I tried the radio again to see if anyone else was out there but it was dead silence . All the radio stations still where broadcasting the same automated messages . But the internet was exploding with people trying to sell stolen vaccine . One website was even auctioning the vaccine and the bid was up to five million dollars . I then realized how lucky that we where to have obtained the vaccine and that I 've kept my farm managed for all these years since even food seems to be scarce with all the contamination of food which Global Food Corporation had sent . I checked international countries and any country that Global Food Corporation had been exporting to have the same epidemic as the United States . Only countries which refused trade like China , North Korea , and Japan were safe from these problems or anyone who was lucky enough to get the vaccine . I was thinking that it might be a good idea to try and catch a flight to another country since I have my passport and documentation but when I attempted to check the flight information there was no outgoing flights because of the epidemic . And other countries closed their boarders to the US so I had no options to do that either . As the weeks past by not much changed on my farm we just continued to manage the farm with no contact from the outside world . We assumed that things must not have been getting any better since the same recording where still playing over the radio like a broken record . But I decided to take a trip into the town that was not that far away to see what was going on . Mike and Tom didn 't like the idea and Just before we were about to bring it out to my truck I heard a noise what sounded like heavy trucks pulling in . Both I and Mike went outside to see what it was and an army truck filled with soldiers drove into the town and stopped nearby my truck . They came over to us and seemed kind of surprised about us not being sick . We were pulled aside and questioned about why we were not sick . I explained what had happened with the army truck and the man and about how we had tried to contact authorities . Then they left us in a room and walked into the other room . The sound of them talking was muffled but Mike said it sounded like they weren 't happy about us not being sick . I told him that can 't be they are the army they would not feel that way about other people . They came back into the room and asked about the other people who were at my farm and asked if they took the vaccine and Mike kind of motioned to me not to say anything . And he jumped in and said that they were all dead . It confused me as to why he said that to them at first but after I asked if we could leave now and he said you 're not going anywhere I got really suspicious . I asked why can 't we leave we didn 't do anything wrong and he made this demented grin and said because you should be dead . I felt like my stomach was in knots and was like WHAT ? ! ? And he was like my orders are to kill anyone who is still alive and wondering the towns . And I was like how is that fair ? He said life isn 't far if you were rich we would not have a problem right now . And I said I am and the officer said if you were you would have your association card and I said I do its back at my house . I said if you give me a chance to go home and get it I 'll bring it here and show you it . He went back into the other room talking to the other officer and they both came back in and said you can leave but your friend stays . I told him I do not know how to drive the trucks stick shift of course which was a major lie and he said alright Mike could drive me I thanked him and said I wouThen I drove my truck and parked it in front of the window causing a barricade . I went to the back of the house and covered all the basement windows using cement bricks . I put enough food down in the basement to last a few days . Then I gathered the weapons and flashlights which we found in the army truck of the guy that went off the road . I prepared them loaded them and got set up . I decided I would set up most of the weapons in the room off to the side of the picture window since it had a good vantage point towards anyone coming from either side of the street . I also went into the rooms with windows and covered the windows using the heavy mattresses from the room making sure to pin them against the windows really well to prevent people from coming from behind . I knew the chance I stood against trained army soldiers was very low especially since the only training I ever had was playing first person shooter video games . It was quite for quite a while I sat in the family room next to the fireplace using it to cook a soup and had my dinner and kept watch on the roads . Waiting in anticipation for the soldiers to come knowing it would not be long . It was not until late at night that I could hear something in the distance that was coming closer . I quick ran into the room and got against the window with the machine gun and made sure it was prepared and the safety was off . I was not about to let them know where I was hiding . The jeep pulled up with the two officers which I could just see the shadows in the moonlight and behind it was a truck with other soldiers . As the officers got out I aimed my weapon at them and pulled the trigger I was not prepared for the kick back of the machine gun and it caused me to spray shots wildly across the targets . Both officers fell to the ground and the men on the truck quickly got out and hid behind the truck . I could hear the officer call out I got hit but nothing from the other officer so I knew he was dead . The glow of the moonlight made it pretty easy to see the officers on the ground but rather then finishing the one off I figured it would be better to wait until the other soldiers tried to save him so I waited . The officer called out to me asking me to come out with my weapon and they would talk . I thought to myself they must think I 'm stupid . I knew if I came out they would just shoot me and in the end I would die one way or another so I didn 't even respond . I didn 't want to give out my location instead I moved from the room I was in to one at the other side of the house . The window was covered by the mattress so I leaned against it just enough so I could stick the gun muzzle out the window I waited until I saw a shadow near the truck looking like he was going to make a run for the officer . I shot off a few rounds in that direction and as soon as I did I quick hit the floor because they returned fire on me the sound of the shots coming though the mattress where muffled . I went back to theThe soldiers who tried so hard to break into the farm where surprised to find only one girl who had held them off for so long . In the end the farm was burned and only the friends of the girl would know and remember what had happened that day or where the location of the Crimson Fall 's farm was located . Years later Tom and Mike and his family returned to the location of the farm to plant flowers as a remembrance of the girl named Karen who saved their lives all those years ago .

Please bookmark this module : Jesus lived and walked on earth for about 33 years in the early years of the 1st century AD . For most of his life he worked , probably as a carpenter , in the obscurity of Nazareth , a busy town in northern Israel . It was only in the final three years of his life that he took to the road as a prophet , teacher and healer , attracting both followers and enemies , and also the ordinary people , who gathered in large numbers to hear his words and seek his healing powers . About that time Emperor Augustus gave orders for the names of all the people to be listed in record books . These first records were made when Quirinius was governor of Syria . Everyone had to go to their own home town to be listed . So Joseph had to leave Nazareth in Galilee and go to Bethlehem in Judea . Long ago Bethlehem had been King David 's hometown , and Joseph went there because he was from David 's family . Mary was engaged to Joseph and travelled with him to Bethlehem . She was soon going to have a baby , and while they were there , she gave birth to her first - born son . She dressed him in baby clothes and laid him on a bed of hay , because there was no room for them in the inn . That night in the fields near Bethlehem some shepherds were guarding their sheep . All at once an angel came down to them from the Lord , and the brightness of the Lord 's glory flashed around them . The shepherds were frightened . But the angel said , " Don 't be afraid ! I have good news for you , which will make everyone happy . This very day in King David 's hometown a Saviour was born for you . He is Christ the Lord . You will know who he is , because you will find him dressed in baby clothes and lying on a bed of hay . " Suddenly many other angels came down from heaven and joined in praising God . They said : " Praise God in heaven ! Peace on earth to everyone who pleases God . " After the angels had left and gone back to heaven , the shepherds said to each other , " Let 's go to Bethlehem and see what the Lord has told us about . " They hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and they saw the baby lying on a bed of hay . When the shepherds saw Jesus , they told his parents what the angel had said about him . Everyone listened and was surprised . But Mary kept thinking about all this and wondering what it meant . As the shepherds returned to their sheep , they were praising God and saying wonderful things about him . Everything they had seen and heard was just as the angel had said . Luke 2 : 1 - 20 Jesus was raised in the northern town of Nazareth by his mother Mary and Joseph , one of the local carpenters . Jesus himself probably worked as a carpenter , until he was about 30 years old , when he travelled south to be baptized in the river Jordan by a fiery new prophet called John . This event marked a new beginning for Jesus . He started travelling , teaching , healing and gathering a group of followers . So John the Baptist showed up in the desert and told everyone , " Turn back to God and be baptized ! Then your sins will be forgiven . " From all Judea and Jerusalem crowds of people went to John . They told how sorry they were for their sins , and he baptized them in the Jordan River . John wore clothes made of camel 's hair . He had a leather strap around his waist and ate grasshoppers and wild honey . John also told the people , " Someone more powerful is going to come . And I am not good enough even to stoop down and untie his sandals . I baptize you with water , but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit ! " About that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee , and John baptized him in the Jordan River . As soon as Jesus came out of the water , he saw the sky open and the Holy Spirit coming down to him like a dove . A voice from heaven said , " You are my own dear Son , and I am pleased with you . " Mark 1 : 4 - 12 Three days later Mary , the mother of Jesus , was at a wedding feast in the village of Cana in Galilee . Jesus and his disciples had also been invited and were there . When the wine was all gone , Mary said to Jesus , " They don 't have any more wine . " Jesus replied , " Mother , my time hasn 't yet come ! You must not tell me what to do . " Mary then said to the servants , " Do whatever Jesus tells you to do . " At the feast there were six stone water jars that were used by the people for washing themselves in the way that their religion said they must . Each jar held about twenty or thirty gallons . Jesus told the servants to fill them to the top with water . Then after the jars had been filled , 8he said , " Now take some water and give it to the man in charge of the feast . " The servants did as Jesus told them , and the man in charge drank some of the water that had now turned into wine . He did not know where the wine had come from , but the servants did . He called the bridegroom over and said , " The best wine is always served first . Then after the guests have had plenty , the other wine is served . But you have kept the best until last ! " This was Jesus ' first miracle , and he did it in the village of Cana in Galilee . There Jesus showed his glory , and his disciples put their faith in him . John 2 : 1 - 11 Jesus went back to Capernaum , and a few days later people heard that he was at home . Then so many of them came to the house that there wasn 't even standing room left in front of the door . Jesus was still teaching when four people came up , carrying a crippled man on a mat . But because of the crowd , they could not get him to Jesus . So they made a hole in the roof above him and let the man down in front of everyone . When Jesus saw how much faith they had , he said to the crippled man , " My friend , your sins are forgiven . " Some of the teachers of the Law of Moses were sitting there . They started wondering , " Why would he say such a thing ? He must think he is God ! Only God can forgive sins . " Right away , Jesus knew what they were thinking , and he said , " Why are you thinking such things ? Is it easier for me to tell this crippled man that his sins are forgiven or to tell him to get up and pick up his mat and go on home ? I will show you that the Son of Man has the right to forgive sins here on earth . " So Jesus said to the man , " Get up ! Pick up your mat and go on home . " The man got right up . He picked up his mat and went out while everyone watched in amazement . They praised God and said , " We have never seen anything like this ! " Mark 2 : 1 - 12 At the beginning of his ministry , Jesus called 12 people to be his disciples . This famous passage tells the story of how two sets of brothers left their family businesses to follow Jesus . After John was arrested , Jesus went to Galilee and told the good news that comes from God . He said , " The time has come ! God 's kingdom will soon be here . Turn back to God and believe the good news ! " As Jesus was walking along the shore of Lake Galilee , he saw Simon and his brother Andrew . They were fishermen and were casting their nets into the lake . Jesus said to them , " Come with me ! I will teach you how to bring in people instead of fish . " Right then the two brothers dropped their nets and went with him . Jesus walked on and soon saw James and John , the sons of Zebedee . They were in a boat , mending their nets . At once Jesus asked them to come with him . They left their father in the boat with the hired workers and went with him . Mark 1 : 14 - 20 Jesus went back to Nazareth , where he had been brought up , and as usual he went to the meeting place on the Sabbath . When he stood up to read from the Scriptures , he was given the book of Isaiah the prophet . He opened it and read , " The Lord 's Spirit has come to me , because he has chosen me to tell the good news to the poor . The Lord has sent me to announce freedom for prisoners , to give sight to the blind , to free everyone who suffers , and to say , ' This is the year the Lord has chosen . ' " Jesus closed the book , then handed it back to the man in charge and sat down . Everyone in the meeting place looked straight at Jesus . Then Jesus said to them , " What you have just heard me read has come true today . " Luke 4 : 16 - 21 You are like salt for everyone on earth . But if salt no longer tastes like salt , how can it make food salty ? All it is good for is to be thrown out and walked on . Matt . 5 : 13 Anyone who hears and obeys these teachings of mine is like a wise person who built a house on solid rock . Rain poured down , rivers flooded , and winds beat against that house . But it did not fall , because it was built on solid rock . Anyone who hears my teachings and doesn 't obey them is like a foolish person who built a house on sand . The rain poured down , the rivers flooded , and the winds blew and beat against that house . Finally , it fell with a crash . Matthew 7 : 24 - 27 Don 't judge others , and God won 't judge you . Don 't be hard on others , and God won 't be hard on you . Forgive others , and God will forgive you . Luke 6 : 37 The next time Jesus taught beside Lake Galilee , a big crowd gathered . It was so large that he had to sit in a boat out on the lake , while the people stood on the shore . He used stories to teach them many things , and this is part of what he taught : Now listen ! A farmer went out to scatter seed in a field . While the farmer was scattering the seed , some of it fell along the road and was eaten by birds . Other seeds fell on thin , rocky ground and quickly started growing because the soil wasn 't very deep . But when the sun came up , the plants were scorched and dried up , because they did not have enough roots . Some other seeds fell where thorn bushes grew up and choked out the plants . So they did not produce any grain . But a few seeds did fall on good ground where the plants grew and produced thirty or sixty or even a hundred times as much as was scattered . Mark 4 : 1 - 8 That evening , Jesus said to his disciples , " Let 's cross to the east side . " So they left the crowd , and his disciples started across the lake with him in the boat . Some other boats followed along . Suddenly a windstorm struck the lake . Waves started splashing into the boat , and it was about to sink . Jesus was in the back of the boat with his head on a pillow , and he was asleep . His disciples woke him and said , " Teacher , don 't you care that we 're about to drown ? " Jesus got up and ordered the wind and the waves to be quiet . The wind stopped , and everything was calm . Jesus asked his disciples , " Why were you afraid ? Don 't you have any faith ? " Now they were more afraid than ever and said to each other , " Who is this ? Even the wind and the waves obey him ! " Mark 4 : 35 - 41 Jesus and his disciples crossed Lake Galilee and came to shore near the town of Gerasa . When he was getting out of the boat , a man with an evil spirit quickly ran to him from the graveyard where he had been living . No one was able to tie the man up anymore , not even with a chain . He had often been put in chains and leg irons , but he broke the chains and smashed the leg irons . No one could control him . Night and day he was in the graveyard or on the hills , yelling and cutting himself with stones . When the man saw Jesus in the distance , he ran up to him and knelt down . He shouted , " Jesus , Son of God in heaven , what do you want with me ? Promise me in God 's name that you won 't torture me ! " The man said this because Jesus had already told the evil spirit to come out of him . Jesus asked , " What is your name ? " The man answered , " My name is Lots , because I have ' lots ' of evil spirits . " He then begged Jesus not to send them away . Over on the hillside a large herd of pigs was feeding . So the evil spirits begged Jesus , " Send us into those pigs ! Let us go into them . " Jesus let them go , and they went out of the man and into the pigs . The whole herd of about two thousand pigs rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned . The men taking care of the pigs ran to the town and the farms to spread the news . Then the people came out to see what had happened . When they came to Jesus , they saw the man who had once been full of demons . He was sitting there with his clothes on and in his right mind , and they were terrified . Everyone who had seen what had happened told about the man and the pigs . Then the people started begging Jesus to leave their part of the country . When Jesus was getting into the boat , the man begged to go with him . But Jesus would not let him . Instead , he said , " Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how good he has been to you . " The man went away into the region near the ten cities known as Decapolis and began telling everyone how much Jesus had done fBack to top . The person in charge of the Jewish meeting place … was Jairus , and when he saw Jesus , he went over to him . He knelt at Jesus ' feet and started begging him for help . He said , " My daughter is about to die ! Please come and touch her , so she will get well and live . " Jesus went with Jairus . Many people followed along and kept crowding around … While Jesus was still speaking , some men came from Jairus ' home and said , " Your daughter has died ! Why bother the teacher anymore ? " Jesus heard what they said , and he said to Jairus , " Don 't worry . Just have faith ! " Jesus did not let anyone go with him except Peter and the two brothers , James and John . They went home with Jairus and saw the people crying and making a lot of noise . Then Jesus went inside and said to them , " Why are you crying and carrying on like this ? The child isn 't dead . She is just asleep . " But the people laughed at him . After Jesus had sent them all out of the house , he took the girl 's father and mother and his three disciples and went to where she was . He took the twelve - year - old girl by the hand and said , " Talitha , koum ! " which means , " Little girl , get up ! " The girl got right up and started walking around . Everyone was greatly surprised . But Jesus ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened . Then he said , " Give her something to eat . " Mark 4 : 22 - 24 , 35 - 43 In the crowd was a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years . She had gone to many doctors , and they had not done anything except cause her a lot of pain . She had paid them all the money she had . But instead of getting better , she only got worse . The woman had heard about Jesus , so she came up behind him in the crowd and barely touched his clothes . She had said to herself , " If I can just touch his clothes , I will get well . " As soon as she touched them , her bleeding stopped , and she knew she was well . At that moment Jesus felt power go out from him . He turned to the crowd and asked , " Who touched my clothes ? " His disciples said to him , " Look at all these people crowding around you ! How can you ask who touched you ? " But Jesus turned to see who had touched him . The woman knew what had happened to her . She came shaking with fear and knelt down in front of Jesus . Then she told him the whole story . Jesus said to the woman , " You are now well because of your faith . May God give you peace ! You are healed , and you will no longer be in pain . " Mark 5 : 25 - 34 When Jesus saw the large crowd coming toward him , he asked Philip , " Where will we get enough food to feed all these people ? " He said this to test Philip , since he already knew what he was going to do . Philip answered , " Don 't you know that it would take almost a year 's wages just to buy only a little bread for each of these people ? " Andrew , the brother of Simon Peter , was one of the disciples . He spoke up and said , " There is a boy here who has five small loaves of barley bread and two fish . But what good is that with all these people ? " The ground was covered with grass , and Jesus told his disciples to have everyone sit down . About five thousand men were in the crowd . Jesus took the bread in his hands and gave thanks to God . Then he passed the bread to the people , and he did the same with the fish , until everyone had plenty to eat . The people ate all they wanted , and Jesus told his disciples to gather up the leftovers , so that nothing would be wasted . The disciples gathered them up and filled twelve large baskets with what was left over from the five barley loaves . John 6 : 5 - 13 Right away , Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and start back across the lake . But he stayed until he had sent the crowds away . Then he went up on a mountain where he could be alone and pray . Later that evening , he was still there . By this time the boat was a long way from the shore . It was going against the wind and was being tossed around by the waves . A little while before morning , Jesus came walking on the water toward his disciples . When they saw him , they thought he was a ghost . They were terrified and started screaming . At once , Jesus said to them , " Don 't worry ! I am Jesus . Don 't be afraid . " Peter replied , " Lord , if it is really you , tell me to come to you on the water . " " Come on ! " Jesus said . Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him . But when Peter saw how strong the wind was , he was afraid and started sinking . " Save me , Lord ! " he shouted . Right away , Jesus reached out his hand . He helped Peter up and said , " You surely don 't have much faith . Why do you doubt ? " When Jesus and Peter got into the boat , the wind died down . The men in the boat worshipped Jesus and said , " You really are the Son of God ! " Matthew 14 : 22 - 33 A man once asked Jesus , " who are my neighbours ? " Here 's Jesus ' response . As a man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho , robbers attacked him and grabbed everything he had . They beat him up and ran off , leaving him half dead . A priest happened to be going down the same road . But when he saw the man , he walked by on the other side . Later a temple helper came to the same place . But when he saw the man who had been beaten up , he also went by on the other side . A man from Samaria then came travelling along that road . When he saw the man , he felt sorry for him and went over to him . He treated his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them . Then he put him on his own donkey and took him to an inn , where he took care of him . The next morning he gave the innkeeper two silver coins and said , " Please take care of the man . If you spend more than this on him , I will pay you when I return . " Then Jesus asked , " Which one of these three people was a real neighbour to the man who was beaten up by robbers ? " The teacher answered , " The one who showed pity . " Jesus said , " Go and do the same ! " Luke 10 : 30 - 37 A rich man 's farm produced a big crop , and he said to himself , " What can I do ? I don 't have a place large enough to store everything . " Later , he said , " Now I know what I 'll do . I 'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones , where I can store all my grain and other goods . Then I 'll say to myself , ' You have stored up enough good things to last for years to come . Live it up ! Eat , drink , and enjoy yourself . ' " But God said to him , " You fool ! Tonight you will die . Then who will get what you have stored up ? " This is what happens to people who store up everything for themselves , but are poor in the sight of God . Luke 12 : 16 - 21 If any of you has a hundred sheep , and one of them gets lost , what will you do ? Won 't you leave the ninety - nine in the field and go look for the lost sheep until you find it ? And when you find it , you will be so glad that you will put it on your shoulder and carry it home . Then you will call in your friends and neighbours and say , " Let 's celebrate ! I 've found my lost sheep . " Luke 15 : 4 - 6 What will a woman do if she has ten silver coins and loses one of them ? Won 't she light a lamp , sweep the floor , and look carefully until she finds it ? Then she will call in her friends and neighbours and say , " Let 's celebrate ! I 've found the coin I lost . " Jesus said , " In the same way God 's angels are happy when even one person turns to him . " Luke 15 : 8 - 10 Once a man had two sons . The younger son said to his father , " Give me my share of the property . " So the father divided his property between his two sons . Not long after that , the younger son packed up everything he owned and left for a foreign country , where he wasted all his money in wild living . He had spent everything , when a bad famine spread through that whole land . Soon he had nothing to eat . He went to work for a man in that country , and the man sent him out to take care of his pigs . He would have been glad to eat what the pigs were eating , but no one gave him a thing . Finally , he came to his senses and said , " My father 's workers have plenty to eat , and here I am , starving to death ! I will go to my father and say to him , ' Father , I have sinned against God in heaven and against you . I am no longer good enough to be called your son . Treat me like one of your workers . ' " The younger son got up and started back to his father . But when he was still a long way off , his father saw him and felt sorry for him . He ran to his son and hugged and kissed him . The son said , " Father , I have sinned against God in heaven and against you . I am no longer good enough to be called your son . " But his father said to the servants , " Hurry and bring the best clothes and put them on him . Give him a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet . Get the best calf and prepare it , so we can eat and celebrate . This son of mine was dead , but has now come back to life . He was lost and has now been found . " And they began to celebrate . The older son had been out in the field . But when he came near the house , he heard the music and dancing . So he called one of the servants over and asked , " What 's going on here ? " The servant answered , " Your brother has come home safe and sound , and your father ordered us to kill the best calf . " The older brother got so angry that he would not even go into the house . His father came out and begged him to go in . But he said to his father , " For years I have worked for you like a slBack to top . You cannot be the slave of two masters . You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other . You cannot serve God and money . Luke 16 : 13 This strange and beautiful event in the life of Jesus comes just after the disciples have been debating who they think he is : Is he a prophet ? Is he someone from the Old Testament , come back to life ? Or what ? The event on the mountain seems to be an answer to their questions . Six days later Jesus took Peter , James , and John with him . They went up on a high mountain , where they could be alone . There in front of the disciples , Jesus was completely changed . And his clothes became much whiter than any bleach on earth could make them . Then Moses and Elijah were there talking with Jesus . Peter said to Jesus , " Teacher , it is good for us to be here ! Let us make three shelters , one for you , one for Moses , and one for Elijah . " But Peter and the others were terribly frightened , and he did not know what he was talking about . The shadow of a cloud passed over and covered them . From the cloud a voice said , " This is my Son , and I love him . Listen to what he says ! " At once the disciples looked around , but they saw only Jesus . As Jesus and his disciples were coming down the mountain , he told them not to say a word about what they had seen , until the Son of Man had been raised from death . Mark 9 : 2 - 9 Someone from the crowd said , " Teacher , I brought my son to you . A demon keeps him from talking . Whenever the demon attacks my son , it throws him to the ground and makes him foam at the mouth and grit his teeth in pain . Then he becomes stiff . I asked your disciples to force out the demon , but they couldn 't do it . " Jesus said , " You people don 't have any faith ! How much longer must I be with you ? Why do I have to put up with you ? Bring the boy to me . " They brought the boy , and as soon as the demon saw Jesus , it made the boy shake all over . He fell down and began rolling on the ground and foaming at the mouth . Jesus asked the boy 's father , " How long has he been like this ? " The man answered , " Ever since he was a child . The demon has often tried to kill him by throwing him into a fire or into water . Please have pity and help us if you can ! " Jesus replied , " Why do you say ' if you can ' ? Anything is possible for someone who has faith ! " Right away the boy 's father shouted , " I do have faith ! Please help me to have even more . " When Jesus saw that a crowd was gathering fast , he spoke sternly to the evil spirit that had kept the boy from speaking or hearing . He said , " I order you to come out of the boy ! Don 't ever bother him again . " The spirit screamed and made the boy shake all over . Then it went out of him . The boy looked dead , and almost everyone said he was . But Jesus took hold of his hand and helped him stand up . After Jesus and the disciples had gone back home and were alone , they asked him , " Why couldn 't we force out that demon ? " Jesus answered , " Only prayer can force out that kind of demon . " Mark 9 : 17 - 29 You cannot be the slave of two masters . You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other . You cannot serve God and money . Luke 16 : 13 Two men went into the temple to pray . One was a Pharisee and the other a tax collector . The Pharisee stood over by himself and prayed , " God , I thank you that I am not greedy , dishonest , and unfaithful in marriage like other people . And I am really glad that I am not like that tax collector over there . I go without eating for two days a week , and I give you one tenth of all I earn . " The tax collector stood off at a distance and did not think he was good enough even to look up toward heaven . He was so sorry for what he had done that he pounded his chest and prayed , " God , have pity on me ! I am such a sinner . " Then Jesus said , " When the two men went home , it was the tax collector and not the Pharisee who was pleasing to God . If you put yourself above others , you will be put down . But if you humble yourself , you will be honoured . " Luke 18 : 10 - 14 Jesus and his disciples went to Jericho . And as they were leaving , they were followed by a large crowd . A blind beggar by the name of Bartimaeus son of Timaeus was sitting beside the road . When he heard that it was Jesus from Nazareth , he shouted , " Jesus , Son of David , have pity on me ! " Many people told the man to stop , but he shouted even louder , " Son of David , have pity on me ! " Jesus stopped and said , " Call him over ! " They called out to the blind man and said , " Don 't be afraid ! Come on ! He is calling for you . " The man threw off his coat as he jumped up and ran to Jesus . Jesus asked , " What do you want me to do for you ? " The blind man answered , " Master , I want to see ! " Jesus told him , " You may go . Your eyes are healed because of your faith . " Right away the man could see , and he went down the road with Jesus . Mark 10 : 46 - 52 When Jesus and his disciples came near Jerusalem , he went to Bethphage on the Mount of Olives and sent two of them on ahead . He told them , " Go into the next village , where you will at once find a donkey and her colt . Untie the two donkeys and bring them to me . If anyone asks why you are doing that , just say , ' The Lord needs them . ' Right away he will let you have the donkeys . " So God 's promise came true , just as the prophet had said , " Announce to the people of Jerusalem : ' Your king is coming to you ! He is humble and rides on a donkey . He comes on the colt of a donkey . ' " The disciples left and did what Jesus had told them to do . They brought the donkey and its colt and laid some clothes on their backs . Then Jesus got on . Many people spread clothes in the road , while others put down branches which they had cut from trees . Some people walked ahead of Jesus and others followed behind . They were all shouting , " Hooray for the Son of David ! God bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord . Hooray for God in heaven above ! " When Jesus came to Jerusalem , everyone in the city was excited and asked , " Who can this be ? " The crowd answered , " This is Jesus , the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee . " Matthew 21 : 1 - 11 Probably the most famous meal in history . Jesus gathers for one last time with his closest friends for what turns out to be his final meal on earth . Christians remember and re - enact this moving event by breaking bread and drinking wine together in a service which is known by many names : mass , Lord 's supper , eucharist , communion … On the first day of the Festival of Thin Bread , Jesus ' disciples came to him and asked , " Where do you want us to prepare the Passover meal ? " Jesus told them to go to a certain man in the city and tell him , " Our teacher says , ' My time has come ! I want to eat the Passover meal with my disciples in your home . ' " They did as Jesus told them and prepared the meal . When Jesus was eating with his twelve disciples that evening , he said , " One of you will surely hand me over to my enemies . " The disciples were very sad , and each one said to Jesus , " LORD , you can 't mean me ! " He answered , " One of you men who has eaten with me from this dish will betray me . The Son of Man will die , as the Scriptures say . But it 's going to be terrible for the one who betrays me ! That man would be better off if he had never been born . " Judas said , " Teacher , you surely don 't mean me ! " " That 's what you say ! " Jesus replied . But later , Judas did betray him . During the meal Jesus took some bread in his hands . He blessed the bread and broke it . Then he gave it to his disciples and said , " Take this and eat it . This is my body . " Jesus picked up a cup of wine and gave thanks to God . He then gave it to his disciples and said , " Take this and drink it . This is my blood , and with it God makes his agreement with you . It will be poured out , so that many people will have their sins forgiven . From now on I am not going to drink any wine , until I drink new wine with you in my Father 's kingdom . " Then they sang a hymn and went out to the Mount of Olives . Matthew 21 : 17 - 30 The kingdom is also like what happened when a man went away and put his three servants in charge of all he owned . The man knew what each servant could do . So he handed five thousand coins to the first servant , two thousand to the second , and one thousand to the third . Then he left the country . As soon as the man had gone , the servant with the five thousand coins used them to earn five thousand more . The servant who had two thousand coins did the same with his money and earned two thousand more . But the servant with one thousand coins dug a hole and hid his master 's money in the ground . Some time later the master of those servants returned . He called them in and asked what they had done with his money . The servant who had been given five thousand coins brought them in with the five thousand that he had earned . He said , " Sir , you gave me five thousand coins , and I have earned five thousand more . " " Wonderful ! " his master replied . " You are a good and faithful servant . I left you in charge of only a little , but now I will put you in charge of much more . Come and share in my happiness ! " Next , the servant who had been given two thousand coins came in and said , " Sir , you gave me two thousand coins , and I have earned two thousand more . " " Wonderful ! " his master replied . " You are a good and faithful servant . I left you in charge of only a little , but now I will put you in charge of much more . Come and share in my happiness ! " The servant who had been given one thousand coins then came in and said , " Sir , I know that you are hard to get along with . You harvest what you don 't plant and gather crops where you haven 't scattered seed . I was frightened and went out and hid your money in the ground . Here is every single coin ! " The master of the servant told him , " You are lazy and good - for - nothing ! You know that I harvest what I don 't plant and gather crops where I haven 't scattered seed . You could have at least put my money in the bank , so that I could have earned interest on it . " Then the mBack to top . When the Son of Man comes in his glory with all of his angels , he will sit on his royal throne . The people of all nations will be brought before him , and he will separate them , as shepherds separate their sheep from their goats . He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left . Then the king will say to those on his right , " My father has blessed you ! Come and receive the kingdom that was prepared for you before the world was created . When I was hungry , you gave me something to eat , and when I was thirsty , you gave me something to drink . When I was a stranger , you welcomed me , and when I was naked , you gave me clothes to wear . When I was sick , you took care of me , and when I was in jail , you visited me . " Then the ones who pleased the Lord will ask , " When did we give you something to eat or drink ? When did we welcome you as a stranger or give you clothes to wear or visit you while you were sick or in jail ? " The king will answer , " Whenever you did it for any of my people , no matter how unimportant they seemed , you did it for me . " Then the king will say to those on his left , " Get away from me ! You are under God 's curse . Go into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels ! I was hungry , but you did not give me anything to eat , and I was thirsty , but you did not give me anything to drink . I was a stranger , but you did not welcome me , and I was naked , but you did not give me any clothes to wear . I was sick and in jail , but you did not take care of me . " Then the people will ask , " Lord , when did we fail to help you when you were hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail ? " The king will say to them , " Whenever you failed to help any of my people , no matter how unimportant they seemed , you failed to do it for me . " Matthew 25 : 31 - 46 After being betrayed to his enemies by Judas , one of the 12 disciples , Jesus was tried firstly by a Jewish court , and then passed on to Pontius Pilate , the Roman governor , for sentencing . The Romans were the occupying power in Israel at the time , and only they could pass the death sentence . Pilate was reluctant to have Jesus killed , but like all politicians , he was susceptible to public opinion … During Passover the governor always freed a prisoner chosen by the people . At that time a well - known terrorist named Jesus Barabbas was in jail . So when the crowd came together , Pilate asked them , " Which prisoner do you want me to set free ? Do you want Jesus Barabbas or Jesus who is called the Messiah ? " Pilate knew that the leaders had brought Jesus to him because they were jealous . While Pilate was judging the case , his wife sent him a message . It said , " Don 't have anything to do with that innocent man . I have had nightmares because of him . " But the chief priests and the leaders convinced the crowds to ask for Barabbas to be set free and for Jesus to be killed . Pilate asked the crowd again , " Which of these two men do you want me to set free ? " " Barabbas ! " they replied . Pilate asked them , " What am I to do with Jesus , who is called the Messiah ? " They all yelled , " Nail him to a cross ! " Pilate answered , " But what crime has he done ? " " Nail him to a cross ! " they yelled even louder . Pilate saw that there was nothing he could do and that the people were starting to riot . So he took some water and washed his hands in front of them and said , " I won 't have anything to do with killing this man . You are the ones doing it ! " Everyone answered , " We and our own families will take the blame for his death ! " Pilate set Barabbas free . Then he ordered his soldiers to beat Jesus with a whip and nail him to a cross . Matthew 27 : 15 - 26 Crucifixion was a terrible , humiliating death , reserved for the worst criminals . Jesus was forced to carry part of his cross on the walk to his execution - but his strength failed and someone else carried it for him . Then he was crucified . Two criminals were led out to be put to death with Jesus . When the soldiers came to the place called " The Skull " , they nailed Jesus to a cross . They also nailed the two criminals to crosses , one on each side of Jesus . Jesus said , " Father , forgive these people ! They don 't know what they 're doing . " While the crowd stood there watching Jesus , the soldiers gambled for his clothes . The leaders insulted him by saying , " He saved others . Now he should save himself , if he really is God 's chosen Messiah ! " The soldiers made fun of Jesus and brought him some wine . They said , " If you are the king of the Jews , save yourself ! " Above him was a sign that said , " This is the King of the Jews . " One of the criminals hanging there also insulted Jesus by saying , " Aren 't you the Messiah ? Save yourself and save us ! " But the other criminal told the first one off , " Don 't you fear God ? Aren 't you getting the same punishment as this man ? We got what was coming to us , but he didn 't do anything wrong . " Then he said to Jesus , " Remember me when you come into power ! " Jesus replied , " I promise that today you will be with me in paradise . " Around noon the sky turned dark and stayed that way until the middle of the afternoon . The sun stopped shining , and the curtain in the temple split down the middle . Jesus shouted , " Father , I put myself in your hands ! " Then he died . When the Roman officer saw what had happened , he praised God and said , " Jesus must really have been a good man ! " Luke 23 : 32 - 47 Jesus appeared alive again after his death to all his followers , but his first appearance was to Mary Magdalene early on the Sunday morning after the Friday when he had been crucified . On Sunday morning while it was still dark , Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance … Mary Magdalene stood crying outside the tomb . She was still weeping , when she stooped down and saw two angels inside . They were dressed in white and were sitting where Jesus ' body had been . One was at the head and the other was at the foot . The angels asked Mary , " Why are you crying ? " She answered , " They have taken away my Lord 's body ! I don 't know where they have put him . " As soon as Mary said this , she turned around and saw Jesus standing there . But she did not know who he was . Jesus asked her , " Why are you crying ? Who are you looking for ? " She thought he was the gardener and said , " Sir , if you have taken his body away , please tell me , so I can go and get him . " Then Jesus said to her , " Mary ! " She turned and said to him , " Rabboni . " The Aramaic word " Rabboni " means " Teacher . " Jesus told her , " Don 't hold on to me ! I have not yet gone to the Father . But tell my disciples that I am going to the one who is my Father and my God , as well as your Father and your God . " Mary Magdalene then went and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord . John 20 : 1 , 11 - 18 Quickly find that famous story . These pages show the life of Jesus as a timeline . There are four different ways to view it . You can see the major events in Jesus ' life , from his birth to his death and resurrection . You can also look at his parables and soundbites , and at his miracles . Each version of the timeline has plenty of links which lead to the original stories of Jesus , written in his own time by his first followers . What is your first thought when a stranger comes towards you ? Is it friendly or fearful , hostile or welcoming ? Do … more Seeing things differently at www . mysticchrist . co . uk

Please bookmark this module : Jesus lived and walked on earth for about 33 years in the early years of the 1st century AD . For most of his life he worked , probably as a carpenter , in the obscurity of Nazareth , a busy town in northern Israel . It was only in the final three years of his life that he took to the road as a prophet , teacher and healer , attracting both followers and enemies , and also the ordinary people , who gathered in large numbers to hear his words and seek his healing powers . About that time Emperor Augustus gave orders for the names of all the people to be listed in record books . These first records were made when Quirinius was governor of Syria . Everyone had to go to their own home town to be listed . So Joseph had to leave Nazareth in Galilee and go to Bethlehem in Judea . Long ago Bethlehem had been King David 's hometown , and Joseph went there because he was from David 's family . Mary was engaged to Joseph and travelled with him to Bethlehem . She was soon going to have a baby , and while they were there , she gave birth to her first - born son . She dressed him in baby clothes and laid him on a bed of hay , because there was no room for them in the inn . That night in the fields near Bethlehem some shepherds were guarding their sheep . All at once an angel came down to them from the Lord , and the brightness of the Lord 's glory flashed around them . The shepherds were frightened . But the angel said , " Don 't be afraid ! I have good news for you , which will make everyone happy . This very day in King David 's hometown a Saviour was born for you . He is Christ the Lord . You will know who he is , because you will find him dressed in baby clothes and lying on a bed of hay . " Suddenly many other angels came down from heaven and joined in praising God . They said : " Praise God in heaven ! Peace on earth to everyone who pleases God . " After the angels had left and gone back to heaven , the shepherds said to each other , " Let 's go to Bethlehem and see what the Lord has told us about . " They hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and they saw the baby lying on a bed of hay . When the shepherds saw Jesus , they told his parents what the angel had said about him . Everyone listened and was surprised . But Mary kept thinking about all this and wondering what it meant . As the shepherds returned to their sheep , they were praising God and saying wonderful things about him . Everything they had seen and heard was just as the angel had said . Luke 2 : 1 - 20 Jesus was raised in the northern town of Nazareth by his mother Mary and Joseph , one of the local carpenters . Jesus himself probably worked as a carpenter , until he was about 30 years old , when he travelled south to be baptized in the river Jordan by a fiery new prophet called John . This event marked a new beginning for Jesus . He started travelling , teaching , healing and gathering a group of followers . So John the Baptist showed up in the desert and told everyone , " Turn back to God and be baptized ! Then your sins will be forgiven . " From all Judea and Jerusalem crowds of people went to John . They told how sorry they were for their sins , and he baptized them in the Jordan River . John wore clothes made of camel 's hair . He had a leather strap around his waist and ate grasshoppers and wild honey . John also told the people , " Someone more powerful is going to come . And I am not good enough even to stoop down and untie his sandals . I baptize you with water , but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit ! " About that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee , and John baptized him in the Jordan River . As soon as Jesus came out of the water , he saw the sky open and the Holy Spirit coming down to him like a dove . A voice from heaven said , " You are my own dear Son , and I am pleased with you . " Mark 1 : 4 - 12 Three days later Mary , the mother of Jesus , was at a wedding feast in the village of Cana in Galilee . Jesus and his disciples had also been invited and were there . When the wine was all gone , Mary said to Jesus , " They don 't have any more wine . " Jesus replied , " Mother , my time hasn 't yet come ! You must not tell me what to do . " Mary then said to the servants , " Do whatever Jesus tells you to do . " At the feast there were six stone water jars that were used by the people for washing themselves in the way that their religion said they must . Each jar held about twenty or thirty gallons . Jesus told the servants to fill them to the top with water . Then after the jars had been filled , 8he said , " Now take some water and give it to the man in charge of the feast . " The servants did as Jesus told them , and the man in charge drank some of the water that had now turned into wine . He did not know where the wine had come from , but the servants did . He called the bridegroom over and said , " The best wine is always served first . Then after the guests have had plenty , the other wine is served . But you have kept the best until last ! " This was Jesus ' first miracle , and he did it in the village of Cana in Galilee . There Jesus showed his glory , and his disciples put their faith in him . John 2 : 1 - 11 Jesus went back to Capernaum , and a few days later people heard that he was at home . Then so many of them came to the house that there wasn 't even standing room left in front of the door . Jesus was still teaching when four people came up , carrying a crippled man on a mat . But because of the crowd , they could not get him to Jesus . So they made a hole in the roof above him and let the man down in front of everyone . When Jesus saw how much faith they had , he said to the crippled man , " My friend , your sins are forgiven . " Some of the teachers of the Law of Moses were sitting there . They started wondering , " Why would he say such a thing ? He must think he is God ! Only God can forgive sins . " Right away , Jesus knew what they were thinking , and he said , " Why are you thinking such things ? Is it easier for me to tell this crippled man that his sins are forgiven or to tell him to get up and pick up his mat and go on home ? I will show you that the Son of Man has the right to forgive sins here on earth . " So Jesus said to the man , " Get up ! Pick up your mat and go on home . " The man got right up . He picked up his mat and went out while everyone watched in amazement . They praised God and said , " We have never seen anything like this ! " Mark 2 : 1 - 12 At the beginning of his ministry , Jesus called 12 people to be his disciples . This famous passage tells the story of how two sets of brothers left their family businesses to follow Jesus . After John was arrested , Jesus went to Galilee and told the good news that comes from God . He said , " The time has come ! God 's kingdom will soon be here . Turn back to God and believe the good news ! " As Jesus was walking along the shore of Lake Galilee , he saw Simon and his brother Andrew . They were fishermen and were casting their nets into the lake . Jesus said to them , " Come with me ! I will teach you how to bring in people instead of fish . " Right then the two brothers dropped their nets and went with him . Jesus walked on and soon saw James and John , the sons of Zebedee . They were in a boat , mending their nets . At once Jesus asked them to come with him . They left their father in the boat with the hired workers and went with him . Mark 1 : 14 - 20 Jesus went back to Nazareth , where he had been brought up , and as usual he went to the meeting place on the Sabbath . When he stood up to read from the Scriptures , he was given the book of Isaiah the prophet . He opened it and read , " The Lord 's Spirit has come to me , because he has chosen me to tell the good news to the poor . The Lord has sent me to announce freedom for prisoners , to give sight to the blind , to free everyone who suffers , and to say , ' This is the year the Lord has chosen . ' " Jesus closed the book , then handed it back to the man in charge and sat down . Everyone in the meeting place looked straight at Jesus . Then Jesus said to them , " What you have just heard me read has come true today . " Luke 4 : 16 - 21 You are like salt for everyone on earth . But if salt no longer tastes like salt , how can it make food salty ? All it is good for is to be thrown out and walked on . Matt . 5 : 13 Anyone who hears and obeys these teachings of mine is like a wise person who built a house on solid rock . Rain poured down , rivers flooded , and winds beat against that house . But it did not fall , because it was built on solid rock . Anyone who hears my teachings and doesn 't obey them is like a foolish person who built a house on sand . The rain poured down , the rivers flooded , and the winds blew and beat against that house . Finally , it fell with a crash . Matthew 7 : 24 - 27 Don 't judge others , and God won 't judge you . Don 't be hard on others , and God won 't be hard on you . Forgive others , and God will forgive you . Luke 6 : 37 The next time Jesus taught beside Lake Galilee , a big crowd gathered . It was so large that he had to sit in a boat out on the lake , while the people stood on the shore . He used stories to teach them many things , and this is part of what he taught : Now listen ! A farmer went out to scatter seed in a field . While the farmer was scattering the seed , some of it fell along the road and was eaten by birds . Other seeds fell on thin , rocky ground and quickly started growing because the soil wasn 't very deep . But when the sun came up , the plants were scorched and dried up , because they did not have enough roots . Some other seeds fell where thorn bushes grew up and choked out the plants . So they did not produce any grain . But a few seeds did fall on good ground where the plants grew and produced thirty or sixty or even a hundred times as much as was scattered . Mark 4 : 1 - 8 That evening , Jesus said to his disciples , " Let 's cross to the east side . " So they left the crowd , and his disciples started across the lake with him in the boat . Some other boats followed along . Suddenly a windstorm struck the lake . Waves started splashing into the boat , and it was about to sink . Jesus was in the back of the boat with his head on a pillow , and he was asleep . His disciples woke him and said , " Teacher , don 't you care that we 're about to drown ? " Jesus got up and ordered the wind and the waves to be quiet . The wind stopped , and everything was calm . Jesus asked his disciples , " Why were you afraid ? Don 't you have any faith ? " Now they were more afraid than ever and said to each other , " Who is this ? Even the wind and the waves obey him ! " Mark 4 : 35 - 41 Jesus and his disciples crossed Lake Galilee and came to shore near the town of Gerasa . When he was getting out of the boat , a man with an evil spirit quickly ran to him from the graveyard where he had been living . No one was able to tie the man up anymore , not even with a chain . He had often been put in chains and leg irons , but he broke the chains and smashed the leg irons . No one could control him . Night and day he was in the graveyard or on the hills , yelling and cutting himself with stones . When the man saw Jesus in the distance , he ran up to him and knelt down . He shouted , " Jesus , Son of God in heaven , what do you want with me ? Promise me in God 's name that you won 't torture me ! " The man said this because Jesus had already told the evil spirit to come out of him . Jesus asked , " What is your name ? " The man answered , " My name is Lots , because I have ' lots ' of evil spirits . " He then begged Jesus not to send them away . Over on the hillside a large herd of pigs was feeding . So the evil spirits begged Jesus , " Send us into those pigs ! Let us go into them . " Jesus let them go , and they went out of the man and into the pigs . The whole herd of about two thousand pigs rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned . The men taking care of the pigs ran to the town and the farms to spread the news . Then the people came out to see what had happened . When they came to Jesus , they saw the man who had once been full of demons . He was sitting there with his clothes on and in his right mind , and they were terrified . Everyone who had seen what had happened told about the man and the pigs . Then the people started begging Jesus to leave their part of the country . When Jesus was getting into the boat , the man begged to go with him . But Jesus would not let him . Instead , he said , " Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how good he has been to you . " The man went away into the region near the ten cities known as Decapolis and began telling everyone how much Jesus had done fBack to top . The person in charge of the Jewish meeting place … was Jairus , and when he saw Jesus , he went over to him . He knelt at Jesus ' feet and started begging him for help . He said , " My daughter is about to die ! Please come and touch her , so she will get well and live . " Jesus went with Jairus . Many people followed along and kept crowding around … While Jesus was still speaking , some men came from Jairus ' home and said , " Your daughter has died ! Why bother the teacher anymore ? " Jesus heard what they said , and he said to Jairus , " Don 't worry . Just have faith ! " Jesus did not let anyone go with him except Peter and the two brothers , James and John . They went home with Jairus and saw the people crying and making a lot of noise . Then Jesus went inside and said to them , " Why are you crying and carrying on like this ? The child isn 't dead . She is just asleep . " But the people laughed at him . After Jesus had sent them all out of the house , he took the girl 's father and mother and his three disciples and went to where she was . He took the twelve - year - old girl by the hand and said , " Talitha , koum ! " which means , " Little girl , get up ! " The girl got right up and started walking around . Everyone was greatly surprised . But Jesus ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened . Then he said , " Give her something to eat . " Mark 4 : 22 - 24 , 35 - 43 In the crowd was a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years . She had gone to many doctors , and they had not done anything except cause her a lot of pain . She had paid them all the money she had . But instead of getting better , she only got worse . The woman had heard about Jesus , so she came up behind him in the crowd and barely touched his clothes . She had said to herself , " If I can just touch his clothes , I will get well . " As soon as she touched them , her bleeding stopped , and she knew she was well . At that moment Jesus felt power go out from him . He turned to the crowd and asked , " Who touched my clothes ? " His disciples said to him , " Look at all these people crowding around you ! How can you ask who touched you ? " But Jesus turned to see who had touched him . The woman knew what had happened to her . She came shaking with fear and knelt down in front of Jesus . Then she told him the whole story . Jesus said to the woman , " You are now well because of your faith . May God give you peace ! You are healed , and you will no longer be in pain . " Mark 5 : 25 - 34 When Jesus saw the large crowd coming toward him , he asked Philip , " Where will we get enough food to feed all these people ? " He said this to test Philip , since he already knew what he was going to do . Philip answered , " Don 't you know that it would take almost a year 's wages just to buy only a little bread for each of these people ? " Andrew , the brother of Simon Peter , was one of the disciples . He spoke up and said , " There is a boy here who has five small loaves of barley bread and two fish . But what good is that with all these people ? " The ground was covered with grass , and Jesus told his disciples to have everyone sit down . About five thousand men were in the crowd . Jesus took the bread in his hands and gave thanks to God . Then he passed the bread to the people , and he did the same with the fish , until everyone had plenty to eat . The people ate all they wanted , and Jesus told his disciples to gather up the leftovers , so that nothing would be wasted . The disciples gathered them up and filled twelve large baskets with what was left over from the five barley loaves . John 6 : 5 - 13 Right away , Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and start back across the lake . But he stayed until he had sent the crowds away . Then he went up on a mountain where he could be alone and pray . Later that evening , he was still there . By this time the boat was a long way from the shore . It was going against the wind and was being tossed around by the waves . A little while before morning , Jesus came walking on the water toward his disciples . When they saw him , they thought he was a ghost . They were terrified and started screaming . At once , Jesus said to them , " Don 't worry ! I am Jesus . Don 't be afraid . " Peter replied , " Lord , if it is really you , tell me to come to you on the water . " " Come on ! " Jesus said . Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him . But when Peter saw how strong the wind was , he was afraid and started sinking . " Save me , Lord ! " he shouted . Right away , Jesus reached out his hand . He helped Peter up and said , " You surely don 't have much faith . Why do you doubt ? " When Jesus and Peter got into the boat , the wind died down . The men in the boat worshipped Jesus and said , " You really are the Son of God ! " Matthew 14 : 22 - 33 A man once asked Jesus , " who are my neighbours ? " Here 's Jesus ' response . As a man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho , robbers attacked him and grabbed everything he had . They beat him up and ran off , leaving him half dead . A priest happened to be going down the same road . But when he saw the man , he walked by on the other side . Later a temple helper came to the same place . But when he saw the man who had been beaten up , he also went by on the other side . A man from Samaria then came travelling along that road . When he saw the man , he felt sorry for him and went over to him . He treated his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them . Then he put him on his own donkey and took him to an inn , where he took care of him . The next morning he gave the innkeeper two silver coins and said , " Please take care of the man . If you spend more than this on him , I will pay you when I return . " Then Jesus asked , " Which one of these three people was a real neighbour to the man who was beaten up by robbers ? " The teacher answered , " The one who showed pity . " Jesus said , " Go and do the same ! " Luke 10 : 30 - 37 A rich man 's farm produced a big crop , and he said to himself , " What can I do ? I don 't have a place large enough to store everything . " Later , he said , " Now I know what I 'll do . I 'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones , where I can store all my grain and other goods . Then I 'll say to myself , ' You have stored up enough good things to last for years to come . Live it up ! Eat , drink , and enjoy yourself . ' " But God said to him , " You fool ! Tonight you will die . Then who will get what you have stored up ? " This is what happens to people who store up everything for themselves , but are poor in the sight of God . Luke 12 : 16 - 21 If any of you has a hundred sheep , and one of them gets lost , what will you do ? Won 't you leave the ninety - nine in the field and go look for the lost sheep until you find it ? And when you find it , you will be so glad that you will put it on your shoulder and carry it home . Then you will call in your friends and neighbours and say , " Let 's celebrate ! I 've found my lost sheep . " Luke 15 : 4 - 6 What will a woman do if she has ten silver coins and loses one of them ? Won 't she light a lamp , sweep the floor , and look carefully until she finds it ? Then she will call in her friends and neighbours and say , " Let 's celebrate ! I 've found the coin I lost . " Jesus said , " In the same way God 's angels are happy when even one person turns to him . " Luke 15 : 8 - 10 Once a man had two sons . The younger son said to his father , " Give me my share of the property . " So the father divided his property between his two sons . Not long after that , the younger son packed up everything he owned and left for a foreign country , where he wasted all his money in wild living . He had spent everything , when a bad famine spread through that whole land . Soon he had nothing to eat . He went to work for a man in that country , and the man sent him out to take care of his pigs . He would have been glad to eat what the pigs were eating , but no one gave him a thing . Finally , he came to his senses and said , " My father 's workers have plenty to eat , and here I am , starving to death ! I will go to my father and say to him , ' Father , I have sinned against God in heaven and against you . I am no longer good enough to be called your son . Treat me like one of your workers . ' " The younger son got up and started back to his father . But when he was still a long way off , his father saw him and felt sorry for him . He ran to his son and hugged and kissed him . The son said , " Father , I have sinned against God in heaven and against you . I am no longer good enough to be called your son . " But his father said to the servants , " Hurry and bring the best clothes and put them on him . Give him a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet . Get the best calf and prepare it , so we can eat and celebrate . This son of mine was dead , but has now come back to life . He was lost and has now been found . " And they began to celebrate . The older son had been out in the field . But when he came near the house , he heard the music and dancing . So he called one of the servants over and asked , " What 's going on here ? " The servant answered , " Your brother has come home safe and sound , and your father ordered us to kill the best calf . " The older brother got so angry that he would not even go into the house . His father came out and begged him to go in . But he said to his father , " For years I have worked for you like a slBack to top . You cannot be the slave of two masters . You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other . You cannot serve God and money . Luke 16 : 13 This strange and beautiful event in the life of Jesus comes just after the disciples have been debating who they think he is : Is he a prophet ? Is he someone from the Old Testament , come back to life ? Or what ? The event on the mountain seems to be an answer to their questions . Six days later Jesus took Peter , James , and John with him . They went up on a high mountain , where they could be alone . There in front of the disciples , Jesus was completely changed . And his clothes became much whiter than any bleach on earth could make them . Then Moses and Elijah were there talking with Jesus . Peter said to Jesus , " Teacher , it is good for us to be here ! Let us make three shelters , one for you , one for Moses , and one for Elijah . " But Peter and the others were terribly frightened , and he did not know what he was talking about . The shadow of a cloud passed over and covered them . From the cloud a voice said , " This is my Son , and I love him . Listen to what he says ! " At once the disciples looked around , but they saw only Jesus . As Jesus and his disciples were coming down the mountain , he told them not to say a word about what they had seen , until the Son of Man had been raised from death . Mark 9 : 2 - 9 Someone from the crowd said , " Teacher , I brought my son to you . A demon keeps him from talking . Whenever the demon attacks my son , it throws him to the ground and makes him foam at the mouth and grit his teeth in pain . Then he becomes stiff . I asked your disciples to force out the demon , but they couldn 't do it . " Jesus said , " You people don 't have any faith ! How much longer must I be with you ? Why do I have to put up with you ? Bring the boy to me . " They brought the boy , and as soon as the demon saw Jesus , it made the boy shake all over . He fell down and began rolling on the ground and foaming at the mouth . Jesus asked the boy 's father , " How long has he been like this ? " The man answered , " Ever since he was a child . The demon has often tried to kill him by throwing him into a fire or into water . Please have pity and help us if you can ! " Jesus replied , " Why do you say ' if you can ' ? Anything is possible for someone who has faith ! " Right away the boy 's father shouted , " I do have faith ! Please help me to have even more . " When Jesus saw that a crowd was gathering fast , he spoke sternly to the evil spirit that had kept the boy from speaking or hearing . He said , " I order you to come out of the boy ! Don 't ever bother him again . " The spirit screamed and made the boy shake all over . Then it went out of him . The boy looked dead , and almost everyone said he was . But Jesus took hold of his hand and helped him stand up . After Jesus and the disciples had gone back home and were alone , they asked him , " Why couldn 't we force out that demon ? " Jesus answered , " Only prayer can force out that kind of demon . " Mark 9 : 17 - 29 You cannot be the slave of two masters . You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other . You cannot serve God and money . Luke 16 : 13 Two men went into the temple to pray . One was a Pharisee and the other a tax collector . The Pharisee stood over by himself and prayed , " God , I thank you that I am not greedy , dishonest , and unfaithful in marriage like other people . And I am really glad that I am not like that tax collector over there . I go without eating for two days a week , and I give you one tenth of all I earn . " The tax collector stood off at a distance and did not think he was good enough even to look up toward heaven . He was so sorry for what he had done that he pounded his chest and prayed , " God , have pity on me ! I am such a sinner . " Then Jesus said , " When the two men went home , it was the tax collector and not the Pharisee who was pleasing to God . If you put yourself above others , you will be put down . But if you humble yourself , you will be honoured . " Luke 18 : 10 - 14 Jesus and his disciples went to Jericho . And as they were leaving , they were followed by a large crowd . A blind beggar by the name of Bartimaeus son of Timaeus was sitting beside the road . When he heard that it was Jesus from Nazareth , he shouted , " Jesus , Son of David , have pity on me ! " Many people told the man to stop , but he shouted even louder , " Son of David , have pity on me ! " Jesus stopped and said , " Call him over ! " They called out to the blind man and said , " Don 't be afraid ! Come on ! He is calling for you . " The man threw off his coat as he jumped up and ran to Jesus . Jesus asked , " What do you want me to do for you ? " The blind man answered , " Master , I want to see ! " Jesus told him , " You may go . Your eyes are healed because of your faith . " Right away the man could see , and he went down the road with Jesus . Mark 10 : 46 - 52 When Jesus and his disciples came near Jerusalem , he went to Bethphage on the Mount of Olives and sent two of them on ahead . He told them , " Go into the next village , where you will at once find a donkey and her colt . Untie the two donkeys and bring them to me . If anyone asks why you are doing that , just say , ' The Lord needs them . ' Right away he will let you have the donkeys . " So God 's promise came true , just as the prophet had said , " Announce to the people of Jerusalem : ' Your king is coming to you ! He is humble and rides on a donkey . He comes on the colt of a donkey . ' " The disciples left and did what Jesus had told them to do . They brought the donkey and its colt and laid some clothes on their backs . Then Jesus got on . Many people spread clothes in the road , while others put down branches which they had cut from trees . Some people walked ahead of Jesus and others followed behind . They were all shouting , " Hooray for the Son of David ! God bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord . Hooray for God in heaven above ! " When Jesus came to Jerusalem , everyone in the city was excited and asked , " Who can this be ? " The crowd answered , " This is Jesus , the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee . " Matthew 21 : 1 - 11 Probably the most famous meal in history . Jesus gathers for one last time with his closest friends for what turns out to be his final meal on earth . Christians remember and re - enact this moving event by breaking bread and drinking wine together in a service which is known by many names : mass , Lord 's supper , eucharist , communion … On the first day of the Festival of Thin Bread , Jesus ' disciples came to him and asked , " Where do you want us to prepare the Passover meal ? " Jesus told them to go to a certain man in the city and tell him , " Our teacher says , ' My time has come ! I want to eat the Passover meal with my disciples in your home . ' " They did as Jesus told them and prepared the meal . When Jesus was eating with his twelve disciples that evening , he said , " One of you will surely hand me over to my enemies . " The disciples were very sad , and each one said to Jesus , " LORD , you can 't mean me ! " He answered , " One of you men who has eaten with me from this dish will betray me . The Son of Man will die , as the Scriptures say . But it 's going to be terrible for the one who betrays me ! That man would be better off if he had never been born . " Judas said , " Teacher , you surely don 't mean me ! " " That 's what you say ! " Jesus replied . But later , Judas did betray him . During the meal Jesus took some bread in his hands . He blessed the bread and broke it . Then he gave it to his disciples and said , " Take this and eat it . This is my body . " Jesus picked up a cup of wine and gave thanks to God . He then gave it to his disciples and said , " Take this and drink it . This is my blood , and with it God makes his agreement with you . It will be poured out , so that many people will have their sins forgiven . From now on I am not going to drink any wine , until I drink new wine with you in my Father 's kingdom . " Then they sang a hymn and went out to the Mount of Olives . Matthew 21 : 17 - 30 The kingdom is also like what happened when a man went away and put his three servants in charge of all he owned . The man knew what each servant could do . So he handed five thousand coins to the first servant , two thousand to the second , and one thousand to the third . Then he left the country . As soon as the man had gone , the servant with the five thousand coins used them to earn five thousand more . The servant who had two thousand coins did the same with his money and earned two thousand more . But the servant with one thousand coins dug a hole and hid his master 's money in the ground . Some time later the master of those servants returned . He called them in and asked what they had done with his money . The servant who had been given five thousand coins brought them in with the five thousand that he had earned . He said , " Sir , you gave me five thousand coins , and I have earned five thousand more . " " Wonderful ! " his master replied . " You are a good and faithful servant . I left you in charge of only a little , but now I will put you in charge of much more . Come and share in my happiness ! " Next , the servant who had been given two thousand coins came in and said , " Sir , you gave me two thousand coins , and I have earned two thousand more . " " Wonderful ! " his master replied . " You are a good and faithful servant . I left you in charge of only a little , but now I will put you in charge of much more . Come and share in my happiness ! " The servant who had been given one thousand coins then came in and said , " Sir , I know that you are hard to get along with . You harvest what you don 't plant and gather crops where you haven 't scattered seed . I was frightened and went out and hid your money in the ground . Here is every single coin ! " The master of the servant told him , " You are lazy and good - for - nothing ! You know that I harvest what I don 't plant and gather crops where I haven 't scattered seed . You could have at least put my money in the bank , so that I could have earned interest on it . " Then the mBack to top . When the Son of Man comes in his glory with all of his angels , he will sit on his royal throne . The people of all nations will be brought before him , and he will separate them , as shepherds separate their sheep from their goats . He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left . Then the king will say to those on his right , " My father has blessed you ! Come and receive the kingdom that was prepared for you before the world was created . When I was hungry , you gave me something to eat , and when I was thirsty , you gave me something to drink . When I was a stranger , you welcomed me , and when I was naked , you gave me clothes to wear . When I was sick , you took care of me , and when I was in jail , you visited me . " Then the ones who pleased the Lord will ask , " When did we give you something to eat or drink ? When did we welcome you as a stranger or give you clothes to wear or visit you while you were sick or in jail ? " The king will answer , " Whenever you did it for any of my people , no matter how unimportant they seemed , you did it for me . " Then the king will say to those on his left , " Get away from me ! You are under God 's curse . Go into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels ! I was hungry , but you did not give me anything to eat , and I was thirsty , but you did not give me anything to drink . I was a stranger , but you did not welcome me , and I was naked , but you did not give me any clothes to wear . I was sick and in jail , but you did not take care of me . " Then the people will ask , " Lord , when did we fail to help you when you were hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail ? " The king will say to them , " Whenever you failed to help any of my people , no matter how unimportant they seemed , you failed to do it for me . " Matthew 25 : 31 - 46 After being betrayed to his enemies by Judas , one of the 12 disciples , Jesus was tried firstly by a Jewish court , and then passed on to Pontius Pilate , the Roman governor , for sentencing . The Romans were the occupying power in Israel at the time , and only they could pass the death sentence . Pilate was reluctant to have Jesus killed , but like all politicians , he was susceptible to public opinion … During Passover the governor always freed a prisoner chosen by the people . At that time a well - known terrorist named Jesus Barabbas was in jail . So when the crowd came together , Pilate asked them , " Which prisoner do you want me to set free ? Do you want Jesus Barabbas or Jesus who is called the Messiah ? " Pilate knew that the leaders had brought Jesus to him because they were jealous . While Pilate was judging the case , his wife sent him a message . It said , " Don 't have anything to do with that innocent man . I have had nightmares because of him . " But the chief priests and the leaders convinced the crowds to ask for Barabbas to be set free and for Jesus to be killed . Pilate asked the crowd again , " Which of these two men do you want me to set free ? " " Barabbas ! " they replied . Pilate asked them , " What am I to do with Jesus , who is called the Messiah ? " They all yelled , " Nail him to a cross ! " Pilate answered , " But what crime has he done ? " " Nail him to a cross ! " they yelled even louder . Pilate saw that there was nothing he could do and that the people were starting to riot . So he took some water and washed his hands in front of them and said , " I won 't have anything to do with killing this man . You are the ones doing it ! " Everyone answered , " We and our own families will take the blame for his death ! " Pilate set Barabbas free . Then he ordered his soldiers to beat Jesus with a whip and nail him to a cross . Matthew 27 : 15 - 26 Crucifixion was a terrible , humiliating death , reserved for the worst criminals . Jesus was forced to carry part of his cross on the walk to his execution - but his strength failed and someone else carried it for him . Then he was crucified . Two criminals were led out to be put to death with Jesus . When the soldiers came to the place called " The Skull " , they nailed Jesus to a cross . They also nailed the two criminals to crosses , one on each side of Jesus . Jesus said , " Father , forgive these people ! They don 't know what they 're doing . " While the crowd stood there watching Jesus , the soldiers gambled for his clothes . The leaders insulted him by saying , " He saved others . Now he should save himself , if he really is God 's chosen Messiah ! " The soldiers made fun of Jesus and brought him some wine . They said , " If you are the king of the Jews , save yourself ! " Above him was a sign that said , " This is the King of the Jews . " One of the criminals hanging there also insulted Jesus by saying , " Aren 't you the Messiah ? Save yourself and save us ! " But the other criminal told the first one off , " Don 't you fear God ? Aren 't you getting the same punishment as this man ? We got what was coming to us , but he didn 't do anything wrong . " Then he said to Jesus , " Remember me when you come into power ! " Jesus replied , " I promise that today you will be with me in paradise . " Around noon the sky turned dark and stayed that way until the middle of the afternoon . The sun stopped shining , and the curtain in the temple split down the middle . Jesus shouted , " Father , I put myself in your hands ! " Then he died . When the Roman officer saw what had happened , he praised God and said , " Jesus must really have been a good man ! " Luke 23 : 32 - 47 Jesus appeared alive again after his death to all his followers , but his first appearance was to Mary Magdalene early on the Sunday morning after the Friday when he had been crucified . On Sunday morning while it was still dark , Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance … Mary Magdalene stood crying outside the tomb . She was still weeping , when she stooped down and saw two angels inside . They were dressed in white and were sitting where Jesus ' body had been . One was at the head and the other was at the foot . The angels asked Mary , " Why are you crying ? " She answered , " They have taken away my Lord 's body ! I don 't know where they have put him . " As soon as Mary said this , she turned around and saw Jesus standing there . But she did not know who he was . Jesus asked her , " Why are you crying ? Who are you looking for ? " She thought he was the gardener and said , " Sir , if you have taken his body away , please tell me , so I can go and get him . " Then Jesus said to her , " Mary ! " She turned and said to him , " Rabboni . " The Aramaic word " Rabboni " means " Teacher . " Jesus told her , " Don 't hold on to me ! I have not yet gone to the Father . But tell my disciples that I am going to the one who is my Father and my God , as well as your Father and your God . " Mary Magdalene then went and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord . John 20 : 1 , 11 - 18 Quickly find that famous story . These pages show the life of Jesus as a timeline . There are four different ways to view it . You can see the major events in Jesus ' life , from his birth to his death and resurrection . You can also look at his parables and soundbites , and at his miracles . Each version of the timeline has plenty of links which lead to the original stories of Jesus , written in his own time by his first followers . What is your first thought when a stranger comes towards you ? Is it friendly or fearful , hostile or welcoming ? Do … more Seeing things differently at www . mysticchrist . co . uk

Please bookmark this module : Jesus lived and walked on earth for about 33 years in the early years of the 1st century AD . For most of his life he worked , probably as a carpenter , in the obscurity of Nazareth , a busy town in northern Israel . It was only in the final three years of his life that he took to the road as a prophet , teacher and healer , attracting both followers and enemies , and also the ordinary people , who gathered in large numbers to hear his words and seek his healing powers . About that time Emperor Augustus gave orders for the names of all the people to be listed in record books . These first records were made when Quirinius was governor of Syria . Everyone had to go to their own home town to be listed . So Joseph had to leave Nazareth in Galilee and go to Bethlehem in Judea . Long ago Bethlehem had been King David 's hometown , and Joseph went there because he was from David 's family . Mary was engaged to Joseph and travelled with him to Bethlehem . She was soon going to have a baby , and while they were there , she gave birth to her first - born son . She dressed him in baby clothes and laid him on a bed of hay , because there was no room for them in the inn . That night in the fields near Bethlehem some shepherds were guarding their sheep . All at once an angel came down to them from the Lord , and the brightness of the Lord 's glory flashed around them . The shepherds were frightened . But the angel said , " Don 't be afraid ! I have good news for you , which will make everyone happy . This very day in King David 's hometown a Saviour was born for you . He is Christ the Lord . You will know who he is , because you will find him dressed in baby clothes and lying on a bed of hay . " Suddenly many other angels came down from heaven and joined in praising God . They said : " Praise God in heaven ! Peace on earth to everyone who pleases God . " After the angels had left and gone back to heaven , the shepherds said to each other , " Let 's go to Bethlehem and see what the Lord has told us about . " They hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and they saw the baby lying on a bed of hay . When the shepherds saw Jesus , they told his parents what the angel had said about him . Everyone listened and was surprised . But Mary kept thinking about all this and wondering what it meant . As the shepherds returned to their sheep , they were praising God and saying wonderful things about him . Everything they had seen and heard was just as the angel had said . Luke 2 : 1 - 20 Jesus was raised in the northern town of Nazareth by his mother Mary and Joseph , one of the local carpenters . Jesus himself probably worked as a carpenter , until he was about 30 years old , when he travelled south to be baptized in the river Jordan by a fiery new prophet called John . This event marked a new beginning for Jesus . He started travelling , teaching , healing and gathering a group of followers . So John the Baptist showed up in the desert and told everyone , " Turn back to God and be baptized ! Then your sins will be forgiven . " From all Judea and Jerusalem crowds of people went to John . They told how sorry they were for their sins , and he baptized them in the Jordan River . John wore clothes made of camel 's hair . He had a leather strap around his waist and ate grasshoppers and wild honey . John also told the people , " Someone more powerful is going to come . And I am not good enough even to stoop down and untie his sandals . I baptize you with water , but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit ! " About that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee , and John baptized him in the Jordan River . As soon as Jesus came out of the water , he saw the sky open and the Holy Spirit coming down to him like a dove . A voice from heaven said , " You are my own dear Son , and I am pleased with you . " Mark 1 : 4 - 12 Three days later Mary , the mother of Jesus , was at a wedding feast in the village of Cana in Galilee . Jesus and his disciples had also been invited and were there . When the wine was all gone , Mary said to Jesus , " They don 't have any more wine . " Jesus replied , " Mother , my time hasn 't yet come ! You must not tell me what to do . " Mary then said to the servants , " Do whatever Jesus tells you to do . " At the feast there were six stone water jars that were used by the people for washing themselves in the way that their religion said they must . Each jar held about twenty or thirty gallons . Jesus told the servants to fill them to the top with water . Then after the jars had been filled , 8he said , " Now take some water and give it to the man in charge of the feast . " The servants did as Jesus told them , and the man in charge drank some of the water that had now turned into wine . He did not know where the wine had come from , but the servants did . He called the bridegroom over and said , " The best wine is always served first . Then after the guests have had plenty , the other wine is served . But you have kept the best until last ! " This was Jesus ' first miracle , and he did it in the village of Cana in Galilee . There Jesus showed his glory , and his disciples put their faith in him . John 2 : 1 - 11 Jesus went back to Capernaum , and a few days later people heard that he was at home . Then so many of them came to the house that there wasn 't even standing room left in front of the door . Jesus was still teaching when four people came up , carrying a crippled man on a mat . But because of the crowd , they could not get him to Jesus . So they made a hole in the roof above him and let the man down in front of everyone . When Jesus saw how much faith they had , he said to the crippled man , " My friend , your sins are forgiven . " Some of the teachers of the Law of Moses were sitting there . They started wondering , " Why would he say such a thing ? He must think he is God ! Only God can forgive sins . " Right away , Jesus knew what they were thinking , and he said , " Why are you thinking such things ? Is it easier for me to tell this crippled man that his sins are forgiven or to tell him to get up and pick up his mat and go on home ? I will show you that the Son of Man has the right to forgive sins here on earth . " So Jesus said to the man , " Get up ! Pick up your mat and go on home . " The man got right up . He picked up his mat and went out while everyone watched in amazement . They praised God and said , " We have never seen anything like this ! " Mark 2 : 1 - 12 At the beginning of his ministry , Jesus called 12 people to be his disciples . This famous passage tells the story of how two sets of brothers left their family businesses to follow Jesus . After John was arrested , Jesus went to Galilee and told the good news that comes from God . He said , " The time has come ! God 's kingdom will soon be here . Turn back to God and believe the good news ! " As Jesus was walking along the shore of Lake Galilee , he saw Simon and his brother Andrew . They were fishermen and were casting their nets into the lake . Jesus said to them , " Come with me ! I will teach you how to bring in people instead of fish . " Right then the two brothers dropped their nets and went with him . Jesus walked on and soon saw James and John , the sons of Zebedee . They were in a boat , mending their nets . At once Jesus asked them to come with him . They left their father in the boat with the hired workers and went with him . Mark 1 : 14 - 20 Jesus went back to Nazareth , where he had been brought up , and as usual he went to the meeting place on the Sabbath . When he stood up to read from the Scriptures , he was given the book of Isaiah the prophet . He opened it and read , " The Lord 's Spirit has come to me , because he has chosen me to tell the good news to the poor . The Lord has sent me to announce freedom for prisoners , to give sight to the blind , to free everyone who suffers , and to say , ' This is the year the Lord has chosen . ' " Jesus closed the book , then handed it back to the man in charge and sat down . Everyone in the meeting place looked straight at Jesus . Then Jesus said to them , " What you have just heard me read has come true today . " Luke 4 : 16 - 21 You are like salt for everyone on earth . But if salt no longer tastes like salt , how can it make food salty ? All it is good for is to be thrown out and walked on . Matt . 5 : 13 Anyone who hears and obeys these teachings of mine is like a wise person who built a house on solid rock . Rain poured down , rivers flooded , and winds beat against that house . But it did not fall , because it was built on solid rock . Anyone who hears my teachings and doesn 't obey them is like a foolish person who built a house on sand . The rain poured down , the rivers flooded , and the winds blew and beat against that house . Finally , it fell with a crash . Matthew 7 : 24 - 27 Don 't judge others , and God won 't judge you . Don 't be hard on others , and God won 't be hard on you . Forgive others , and God will forgive you . Luke 6 : 37 The next time Jesus taught beside Lake Galilee , a big crowd gathered . It was so large that he had to sit in a boat out on the lake , while the people stood on the shore . He used stories to teach them many things , and this is part of what he taught : Now listen ! A farmer went out to scatter seed in a field . While the farmer was scattering the seed , some of it fell along the road and was eaten by birds . Other seeds fell on thin , rocky ground and quickly started growing because the soil wasn 't very deep . But when the sun came up , the plants were scorched and dried up , because they did not have enough roots . Some other seeds fell where thorn bushes grew up and choked out the plants . So they did not produce any grain . But a few seeds did fall on good ground where the plants grew and produced thirty or sixty or even a hundred times as much as was scattered . Mark 4 : 1 - 8 That evening , Jesus said to his disciples , " Let 's cross to the east side . " So they left the crowd , and his disciples started across the lake with him in the boat . Some other boats followed along . Suddenly a windstorm struck the lake . Waves started splashing into the boat , and it was about to sink . Jesus was in the back of the boat with his head on a pillow , and he was asleep . His disciples woke him and said , " Teacher , don 't you care that we 're about to drown ? " Jesus got up and ordered the wind and the waves to be quiet . The wind stopped , and everything was calm . Jesus asked his disciples , " Why were you afraid ? Don 't you have any faith ? " Now they were more afraid than ever and said to each other , " Who is this ? Even the wind and the waves obey him ! " Mark 4 : 35 - 41 Jesus and his disciples crossed Lake Galilee and came to shore near the town of Gerasa . When he was getting out of the boat , a man with an evil spirit quickly ran to him from the graveyard where he had been living . No one was able to tie the man up anymore , not even with a chain . He had often been put in chains and leg irons , but he broke the chains and smashed the leg irons . No one could control him . Night and day he was in the graveyard or on the hills , yelling and cutting himself with stones . When the man saw Jesus in the distance , he ran up to him and knelt down . He shouted , " Jesus , Son of God in heaven , what do you want with me ? Promise me in God 's name that you won 't torture me ! " The man said this because Jesus had already told the evil spirit to come out of him . Jesus asked , " What is your name ? " The man answered , " My name is Lots , because I have ' lots ' of evil spirits . " He then begged Jesus not to send them away . Over on the hillside a large herd of pigs was feeding . So the evil spirits begged Jesus , " Send us into those pigs ! Let us go into them . " Jesus let them go , and they went out of the man and into the pigs . The whole herd of about two thousand pigs rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned . The men taking care of the pigs ran to the town and the farms to spread the news . Then the people came out to see what had happened . When they came to Jesus , they saw the man who had once been full of demons . He was sitting there with his clothes on and in his right mind , and they were terrified . Everyone who had seen what had happened told about the man and the pigs . Then the people started begging Jesus to leave their part of the country . When Jesus was getting into the boat , the man begged to go with him . But Jesus would not let him . Instead , he said , " Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how good he has been to you . " The man went away into the region near the ten cities known as Decapolis and began telling everyone how much Jesus had done fBack to top . The person in charge of the Jewish meeting place … was Jairus , and when he saw Jesus , he went over to him . He knelt at Jesus ' feet and started begging him for help . He said , " My daughter is about to die ! Please come and touch her , so she will get well and live . " Jesus went with Jairus . Many people followed along and kept crowding around … While Jesus was still speaking , some men came from Jairus ' home and said , " Your daughter has died ! Why bother the teacher anymore ? " Jesus heard what they said , and he said to Jairus , " Don 't worry . Just have faith ! " Jesus did not let anyone go with him except Peter and the two brothers , James and John . They went home with Jairus and saw the people crying and making a lot of noise . Then Jesus went inside and said to them , " Why are you crying and carrying on like this ? The child isn 't dead . She is just asleep . " But the people laughed at him . After Jesus had sent them all out of the house , he took the girl 's father and mother and his three disciples and went to where she was . He took the twelve - year - old girl by the hand and said , " Talitha , koum ! " which means , " Little girl , get up ! " The girl got right up and started walking around . Everyone was greatly surprised . But Jesus ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened . Then he said , " Give her something to eat . " Mark 4 : 22 - 24 , 35 - 43 In the crowd was a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years . She had gone to many doctors , and they had not done anything except cause her a lot of pain . She had paid them all the money she had . But instead of getting better , she only got worse . The woman had heard about Jesus , so she came up behind him in the crowd and barely touched his clothes . She had said to herself , " If I can just touch his clothes , I will get well . " As soon as she touched them , her bleeding stopped , and she knew she was well . At that moment Jesus felt power go out from him . He turned to the crowd and asked , " Who touched my clothes ? " His disciples said to him , " Look at all these people crowding around you ! How can you ask who touched you ? " But Jesus turned to see who had touched him . The woman knew what had happened to her . She came shaking with fear and knelt down in front of Jesus . Then she told him the whole story . Jesus said to the woman , " You are now well because of your faith . May God give you peace ! You are healed , and you will no longer be in pain . " Mark 5 : 25 - 34 When Jesus saw the large crowd coming toward him , he asked Philip , " Where will we get enough food to feed all these people ? " He said this to test Philip , since he already knew what he was going to do . Philip answered , " Don 't you know that it would take almost a year 's wages just to buy only a little bread for each of these people ? " Andrew , the brother of Simon Peter , was one of the disciples . He spoke up and said , " There is a boy here who has five small loaves of barley bread and two fish . But what good is that with all these people ? " The ground was covered with grass , and Jesus told his disciples to have everyone sit down . About five thousand men were in the crowd . Jesus took the bread in his hands and gave thanks to God . Then he passed the bread to the people , and he did the same with the fish , until everyone had plenty to eat . The people ate all they wanted , and Jesus told his disciples to gather up the leftovers , so that nothing would be wasted . The disciples gathered them up and filled twelve large baskets with what was left over from the five barley loaves . John 6 : 5 - 13 Right away , Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and start back across the lake . But he stayed until he had sent the crowds away . Then he went up on a mountain where he could be alone and pray . Later that evening , he was still there . By this time the boat was a long way from the shore . It was going against the wind and was being tossed around by the waves . A little while before morning , Jesus came walking on the water toward his disciples . When they saw him , they thought he was a ghost . They were terrified and started screaming . At once , Jesus said to them , " Don 't worry ! I am Jesus . Don 't be afraid . " Peter replied , " Lord , if it is really you , tell me to come to you on the water . " " Come on ! " Jesus said . Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him . But when Peter saw how strong the wind was , he was afraid and started sinking . " Save me , Lord ! " he shouted . Right away , Jesus reached out his hand . He helped Peter up and said , " You surely don 't have much faith . Why do you doubt ? " When Jesus and Peter got into the boat , the wind died down . The men in the boat worshipped Jesus and said , " You really are the Son of God ! " Matthew 14 : 22 - 33 A man once asked Jesus , " who are my neighbours ? " Here 's Jesus ' response . As a man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho , robbers attacked him and grabbed everything he had . They beat him up and ran off , leaving him half dead . A priest happened to be going down the same road . But when he saw the man , he walked by on the other side . Later a temple helper came to the same place . But when he saw the man who had been beaten up , he also went by on the other side . A man from Samaria then came travelling along that road . When he saw the man , he felt sorry for him and went over to him . He treated his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them . Then he put him on his own donkey and took him to an inn , where he took care of him . The next morning he gave the innkeeper two silver coins and said , " Please take care of the man . If you spend more than this on him , I will pay you when I return . " Then Jesus asked , " Which one of these three people was a real neighbour to the man who was beaten up by robbers ? " The teacher answered , " The one who showed pity . " Jesus said , " Go and do the same ! " Luke 10 : 30 - 37 A rich man 's farm produced a big crop , and he said to himself , " What can I do ? I don 't have a place large enough to store everything . " Later , he said , " Now I know what I 'll do . I 'll tear down my barns and build bigger ones , where I can store all my grain and other goods . Then I 'll say to myself , ' You have stored up enough good things to last for years to come . Live it up ! Eat , drink , and enjoy yourself . ' " But God said to him , " You fool ! Tonight you will die . Then who will get what you have stored up ? " This is what happens to people who store up everything for themselves , but are poor in the sight of God . Luke 12 : 16 - 21 If any of you has a hundred sheep , and one of them gets lost , what will you do ? Won 't you leave the ninety - nine in the field and go look for the lost sheep until you find it ? And when you find it , you will be so glad that you will put it on your shoulder and carry it home . Then you will call in your friends and neighbours and say , " Let 's celebrate ! I 've found my lost sheep . " Luke 15 : 4 - 6 What will a woman do if she has ten silver coins and loses one of them ? Won 't she light a lamp , sweep the floor , and look carefully until she finds it ? Then she will call in her friends and neighbours and say , " Let 's celebrate ! I 've found the coin I lost . " Jesus said , " In the same way God 's angels are happy when even one person turns to him . " Luke 15 : 8 - 10 Once a man had two sons . The younger son said to his father , " Give me my share of the property . " So the father divided his property between his two sons . Not long after that , the younger son packed up everything he owned and left for a foreign country , where he wasted all his money in wild living . He had spent everything , when a bad famine spread through that whole land . Soon he had nothing to eat . He went to work for a man in that country , and the man sent him out to take care of his pigs . He would have been glad to eat what the pigs were eating , but no one gave him a thing . Finally , he came to his senses and said , " My father 's workers have plenty to eat , and here I am , starving to death ! I will go to my father and say to him , ' Father , I have sinned against God in heaven and against you . I am no longer good enough to be called your son . Treat me like one of your workers . ' " The younger son got up and started back to his father . But when he was still a long way off , his father saw him and felt sorry for him . He ran to his son and hugged and kissed him . The son said , " Father , I have sinned against God in heaven and against you . I am no longer good enough to be called your son . " But his father said to the servants , " Hurry and bring the best clothes and put them on him . Give him a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet . Get the best calf and prepare it , so we can eat and celebrate . This son of mine was dead , but has now come back to life . He was lost and has now been found . " And they began to celebrate . The older son had been out in the field . But when he came near the house , he heard the music and dancing . So he called one of the servants over and asked , " What 's going on here ? " The servant answered , " Your brother has come home safe and sound , and your father ordered us to kill the best calf . " The older brother got so angry that he would not even go into the house . His father came out and begged him to go in . But he said to his father , " For years I have worked for you like a slBack to top . You cannot be the slave of two masters . You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other . You cannot serve God and money . Luke 16 : 13 This strange and beautiful event in the life of Jesus comes just after the disciples have been debating who they think he is : Is he a prophet ? Is he someone from the Old Testament , come back to life ? Or what ? The event on the mountain seems to be an answer to their questions . Six days later Jesus took Peter , James , and John with him . They went up on a high mountain , where they could be alone . There in front of the disciples , Jesus was completely changed . And his clothes became much whiter than any bleach on earth could make them . Then Moses and Elijah were there talking with Jesus . Peter said to Jesus , " Teacher , it is good for us to be here ! Let us make three shelters , one for you , one for Moses , and one for Elijah . " But Peter and the others were terribly frightened , and he did not know what he was talking about . The shadow of a cloud passed over and covered them . From the cloud a voice said , " This is my Son , and I love him . Listen to what he says ! " At once the disciples looked around , but they saw only Jesus . As Jesus and his disciples were coming down the mountain , he told them not to say a word about what they had seen , until the Son of Man had been raised from death . Mark 9 : 2 - 9 Someone from the crowd said , " Teacher , I brought my son to you . A demon keeps him from talking . Whenever the demon attacks my son , it throws him to the ground and makes him foam at the mouth and grit his teeth in pain . Then he becomes stiff . I asked your disciples to force out the demon , but they couldn 't do it . " Jesus said , " You people don 't have any faith ! How much longer must I be with you ? Why do I have to put up with you ? Bring the boy to me . " They brought the boy , and as soon as the demon saw Jesus , it made the boy shake all over . He fell down and began rolling on the ground and foaming at the mouth . Jesus asked the boy 's father , " How long has he been like this ? " The man answered , " Ever since he was a child . The demon has often tried to kill him by throwing him into a fire or into water . Please have pity and help us if you can ! " Jesus replied , " Why do you say ' if you can ' ? Anything is possible for someone who has faith ! " Right away the boy 's father shouted , " I do have faith ! Please help me to have even more . " When Jesus saw that a crowd was gathering fast , he spoke sternly to the evil spirit that had kept the boy from speaking or hearing . He said , " I order you to come out of the boy ! Don 't ever bother him again . " The spirit screamed and made the boy shake all over . Then it went out of him . The boy looked dead , and almost everyone said he was . But Jesus took hold of his hand and helped him stand up . After Jesus and the disciples had gone back home and were alone , they asked him , " Why couldn 't we force out that demon ? " Jesus answered , " Only prayer can force out that kind of demon . " Mark 9 : 17 - 29 You cannot be the slave of two masters . You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than to the other . You cannot serve God and money . Luke 16 : 13 Two men went into the temple to pray . One was a Pharisee and the other a tax collector . The Pharisee stood over by himself and prayed , " God , I thank you that I am not greedy , dishonest , and unfaithful in marriage like other people . And I am really glad that I am not like that tax collector over there . I go without eating for two days a week , and I give you one tenth of all I earn . " The tax collector stood off at a distance and did not think he was good enough even to look up toward heaven . He was so sorry for what he had done that he pounded his chest and prayed , " God , have pity on me ! I am such a sinner . " Then Jesus said , " When the two men went home , it was the tax collector and not the Pharisee who was pleasing to God . If you put yourself above others , you will be put down . But if you humble yourself , you will be honoured . " Luke 18 : 10 - 14 Jesus and his disciples went to Jericho . And as they were leaving , they were followed by a large crowd . A blind beggar by the name of Bartimaeus son of Timaeus was sitting beside the road . When he heard that it was Jesus from Nazareth , he shouted , " Jesus , Son of David , have pity on me ! " Many people told the man to stop , but he shouted even louder , " Son of David , have pity on me ! " Jesus stopped and said , " Call him over ! " They called out to the blind man and said , " Don 't be afraid ! Come on ! He is calling for you . " The man threw off his coat as he jumped up and ran to Jesus . Jesus asked , " What do you want me to do for you ? " The blind man answered , " Master , I want to see ! " Jesus told him , " You may go . Your eyes are healed because of your faith . " Right away the man could see , and he went down the road with Jesus . Mark 10 : 46 - 52 When Jesus and his disciples came near Jerusalem , he went to Bethphage on the Mount of Olives and sent two of them on ahead . He told them , " Go into the next village , where you will at once find a donkey and her colt . Untie the two donkeys and bring them to me . If anyone asks why you are doing that , just say , ' The Lord needs them . ' Right away he will let you have the donkeys . " So God 's promise came true , just as the prophet had said , " Announce to the people of Jerusalem : ' Your king is coming to you ! He is humble and rides on a donkey . He comes on the colt of a donkey . ' " The disciples left and did what Jesus had told them to do . They brought the donkey and its colt and laid some clothes on their backs . Then Jesus got on . Many people spread clothes in the road , while others put down branches which they had cut from trees . Some people walked ahead of Jesus and others followed behind . They were all shouting , " Hooray for the Son of David ! God bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord . Hooray for God in heaven above ! " When Jesus came to Jerusalem , everyone in the city was excited and asked , " Who can this be ? " The crowd answered , " This is Jesus , the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee . " Matthew 21 : 1 - 11 Probably the most famous meal in history . Jesus gathers for one last time with his closest friends for what turns out to be his final meal on earth . Christians remember and re - enact this moving event by breaking bread and drinking wine together in a service which is known by many names : mass , Lord 's supper , eucharist , communion … On the first day of the Festival of Thin Bread , Jesus ' disciples came to him and asked , " Where do you want us to prepare the Passover meal ? " Jesus told them to go to a certain man in the city and tell him , " Our teacher says , ' My time has come ! I want to eat the Passover meal with my disciples in your home . ' " They did as Jesus told them and prepared the meal . When Jesus was eating with his twelve disciples that evening , he said , " One of you will surely hand me over to my enemies . " The disciples were very sad , and each one said to Jesus , " LORD , you can 't mean me ! " He answered , " One of you men who has eaten with me from this dish will betray me . The Son of Man will die , as the Scriptures say . But it 's going to be terrible for the one who betrays me ! That man would be better off if he had never been born . " Judas said , " Teacher , you surely don 't mean me ! " " That 's what you say ! " Jesus replied . But later , Judas did betray him . During the meal Jesus took some bread in his hands . He blessed the bread and broke it . Then he gave it to his disciples and said , " Take this and eat it . This is my body . " Jesus picked up a cup of wine and gave thanks to God . He then gave it to his disciples and said , " Take this and drink it . This is my blood , and with it God makes his agreement with you . It will be poured out , so that many people will have their sins forgiven . From now on I am not going to drink any wine , until I drink new wine with you in my Father 's kingdom . " Then they sang a hymn and went out to the Mount of Olives . Matthew 21 : 17 - 30 The kingdom is also like what happened when a man went away and put his three servants in charge of all he owned . The man knew what each servant could do . So he handed five thousand coins to the first servant , two thousand to the second , and one thousand to the third . Then he left the country . As soon as the man had gone , the servant with the five thousand coins used them to earn five thousand more . The servant who had two thousand coins did the same with his money and earned two thousand more . But the servant with one thousand coins dug a hole and hid his master 's money in the ground . Some time later the master of those servants returned . He called them in and asked what they had done with his money . The servant who had been given five thousand coins brought them in with the five thousand that he had earned . He said , " Sir , you gave me five thousand coins , and I have earned five thousand more . " " Wonderful ! " his master replied . " You are a good and faithful servant . I left you in charge of only a little , but now I will put you in charge of much more . Come and share in my happiness ! " Next , the servant who had been given two thousand coins came in and said , " Sir , you gave me two thousand coins , and I have earned two thousand more . " " Wonderful ! " his master replied . " You are a good and faithful servant . I left you in charge of only a little , but now I will put you in charge of much more . Come and share in my happiness ! " The servant who had been given one thousand coins then came in and said , " Sir , I know that you are hard to get along with . You harvest what you don 't plant and gather crops where you haven 't scattered seed . I was frightened and went out and hid your money in the ground . Here is every single coin ! " The master of the servant told him , " You are lazy and good - for - nothing ! You know that I harvest what I don 't plant and gather crops where I haven 't scattered seed . You could have at least put my money in the bank , so that I could have earned interest on it . " Then the mBack to top . When the Son of Man comes in his glory with all of his angels , he will sit on his royal throne . The people of all nations will be brought before him , and he will separate them , as shepherds separate their sheep from their goats . He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left . Then the king will say to those on his right , " My father has blessed you ! Come and receive the kingdom that was prepared for you before the world was created . When I was hungry , you gave me something to eat , and when I was thirsty , you gave me something to drink . When I was a stranger , you welcomed me , and when I was naked , you gave me clothes to wear . When I was sick , you took care of me , and when I was in jail , you visited me . " Then the ones who pleased the Lord will ask , " When did we give you something to eat or drink ? When did we welcome you as a stranger or give you clothes to wear or visit you while you were sick or in jail ? " The king will answer , " Whenever you did it for any of my people , no matter how unimportant they seemed , you did it for me . " Then the king will say to those on his left , " Get away from me ! You are under God 's curse . Go into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels ! I was hungry , but you did not give me anything to eat , and I was thirsty , but you did not give me anything to drink . I was a stranger , but you did not welcome me , and I was naked , but you did not give me any clothes to wear . I was sick and in jail , but you did not take care of me . " Then the people will ask , " Lord , when did we fail to help you when you were hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail ? " The king will say to them , " Whenever you failed to help any of my people , no matter how unimportant they seemed , you failed to do it for me . " Matthew 25 : 31 - 46 After being betrayed to his enemies by Judas , one of the 12 disciples , Jesus was tried firstly by a Jewish court , and then passed on to Pontius Pilate , the Roman governor , for sentencing . The Romans were the occupying power in Israel at the time , and only they could pass the death sentence . Pilate was reluctant to have Jesus killed , but like all politicians , he was susceptible to public opinion … During Passover the governor always freed a prisoner chosen by the people . At that time a well - known terrorist named Jesus Barabbas was in jail . So when the crowd came together , Pilate asked them , " Which prisoner do you want me to set free ? Do you want Jesus Barabbas or Jesus who is called the Messiah ? " Pilate knew that the leaders had brought Jesus to him because they were jealous . While Pilate was judging the case , his wife sent him a message . It said , " Don 't have anything to do with that innocent man . I have had nightmares because of him . " But the chief priests and the leaders convinced the crowds to ask for Barabbas to be set free and for Jesus to be killed . Pilate asked the crowd again , " Which of these two men do you want me to set free ? " " Barabbas ! " they replied . Pilate asked them , " What am I to do with Jesus , who is called the Messiah ? " They all yelled , " Nail him to a cross ! " Pilate answered , " But what crime has he done ? " " Nail him to a cross ! " they yelled even louder . Pilate saw that there was nothing he could do and that the people were starting to riot . So he took some water and washed his hands in front of them and said , " I won 't have anything to do with killing this man . You are the ones doing it ! " Everyone answered , " We and our own families will take the blame for his death ! " Pilate set Barabbas free . Then he ordered his soldiers to beat Jesus with a whip and nail him to a cross . Matthew 27 : 15 - 26 Crucifixion was a terrible , humiliating death , reserved for the worst criminals . Jesus was forced to carry part of his cross on the walk to his execution - but his strength failed and someone else carried it for him . Then he was crucified . Two criminals were led out to be put to death with Jesus . When the soldiers came to the place called " The Skull " , they nailed Jesus to a cross . They also nailed the two criminals to crosses , one on each side of Jesus . Jesus said , " Father , forgive these people ! They don 't know what they 're doing . " While the crowd stood there watching Jesus , the soldiers gambled for his clothes . The leaders insulted him by saying , " He saved others . Now he should save himself , if he really is God 's chosen Messiah ! " The soldiers made fun of Jesus and brought him some wine . They said , " If you are the king of the Jews , save yourself ! " Above him was a sign that said , " This is the King of the Jews . " One of the criminals hanging there also insulted Jesus by saying , " Aren 't you the Messiah ? Save yourself and save us ! " But the other criminal told the first one off , " Don 't you fear God ? Aren 't you getting the same punishment as this man ? We got what was coming to us , but he didn 't do anything wrong . " Then he said to Jesus , " Remember me when you come into power ! " Jesus replied , " I promise that today you will be with me in paradise . " Around noon the sky turned dark and stayed that way until the middle of the afternoon . The sun stopped shining , and the curtain in the temple split down the middle . Jesus shouted , " Father , I put myself in your hands ! " Then he died . When the Roman officer saw what had happened , he praised God and said , " Jesus must really have been a good man ! " Luke 23 : 32 - 47 Jesus appeared alive again after his death to all his followers , but his first appearance was to Mary Magdalene early on the Sunday morning after the Friday when he had been crucified . On Sunday morning while it was still dark , Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance … Mary Magdalene stood crying outside the tomb . She was still weeping , when she stooped down and saw two angels inside . They were dressed in white and were sitting where Jesus ' body had been . One was at the head and the other was at the foot . The angels asked Mary , " Why are you crying ? " She answered , " They have taken away my Lord 's body ! I don 't know where they have put him . " As soon as Mary said this , she turned around and saw Jesus standing there . But she did not know who he was . Jesus asked her , " Why are you crying ? Who are you looking for ? " She thought he was the gardener and said , " Sir , if you have taken his body away , please tell me , so I can go and get him . " Then Jesus said to her , " Mary ! " She turned and said to him , " Rabboni . " The Aramaic word " Rabboni " means " Teacher . " Jesus told her , " Don 't hold on to me ! I have not yet gone to the Father . But tell my disciples that I am going to the one who is my Father and my God , as well as your Father and your God . " Mary Magdalene then went and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord . John 20 : 1 , 11 - 18 Quickly find that famous story . These pages show the life of Jesus as a timeline . There are four different ways to view it . You can see the major events in Jesus ' life , from his birth to his death and resurrection . You can also look at his parables and soundbites , and at his miracles . Each version of the timeline has plenty of links which lead to the original stories of Jesus , written in his own time by his first followers . What is your first thought when a stranger comes towards you ? Is it friendly or fearful , hostile or welcoming ? Do … more Seeing things differently at www . mysticchrist . co . uk

Posted on June 22 , 2017 by TJ Leave a Comment Our alarm goes off every morning at 6 a . m . First thing I do is pull on my old raggedy pair of jeans and an old shirt and then go let the ducks and chickens out of their coop and fill the ducks ' pools . As I headed back into the house , it was beginning to rain . It was a deluge . It rained for a couple of hours . Once the rain stopped , I went on my walk down and up the driveway . I don 't manage to walk the driveway every day , but I 'm trying to as much as possible . I walked down and up the driveway five times , then later I walked three more times for a total of eight . I had planned to walk two more times this evening , but I don 't want to get caught in the rain . I enjoy looking at the flowers as I walk down the driveway . Yesterday I saw that four of the lilies I had transplanted along the driveway had bloomed and many more would burst into flower soon . I envisioned the driveway lined with beautiful orange lilies . But today I noticed that some of them looked as if they had been cut off . I suspected they had been eaten , but I wasn 't sure what would eat lilies . So when I finished my first session of walking , I searched on - line and discovered that deer love lilies . One site said that lilies are like bon bons to deer . Bummer . I don 't mind if the deer eat the birdseed in the winter , but I do mind that they eat the lilies . Besides , we planted a lot of yummy grasses just for them to enjoy . They shouldn 't eat my lilies . The last couple of days , I 've seen a bird clinging to the side of a power line as I 've walked along the driveway . It was too far for me to see it clearly and it flew away when I got closer . It was obviously a woodpecker , but it didn 't look quite like the ones I 'm familiar with . Today I was able to take a photo of it and after I uploaded the photo to my computer , I opened our Birds of Michigan book and easily identified the woodpecker as a Yellow - bellied Sapsucker . You can see my photo at the top of this post . It 's always thrilling to spot a bird that I 've never seen before . This is the second new bird this week ! I spent all afternoon working on this blog . With the help of WordPress support , I worked at putting together albums of photos . I also figured out how to put the list of posts at the bottom of the page , which I think looks much better . However , now I 'm not quite sure what to place in the middle column where the posts used to be . I 'll have to think about it . Yesterday I finished the Peppermint Candy Coasters that a woman ordered from Teric 's Treasures . I boxed it and was going to mail it this morning . I had to get to the post office and back before JJ had to leave for work at 9 : 30 a . m . JJ 's new hours limits my use of a vehicle . I went out to the Buggy , started it , but I couldn 't move the lever out of " Park " even though I tried several times . I finally gave up . I was a little concerned that JJ wouldn 't be able to get to work , but he had absolutely no trouble . He has been teasing me about this . We 've been having a lot of trouble with a lot of little ants coming into the house . I spray them , but they keep coming . It would help if I knew where they were coming in . EJ said we need to get Boric Acid , but so far we haven 't gotten to the store to get any . Do you have trouble with ants ? What have you found to be useful ? I have noticed a little pile of debris in the back of our mail box - like a small pile of shredded toilet paper or something . Today we had one envelope in the mailbox , so I used it to nudge the pile . I discovered that the small pile was actually a group of ants with eggs . Apparently our mailbox is an ant nursery . If I remember tomorrow , I will take the spray with me when I go get the mail and give the mailbox a good spraying . I 've moved my preferred " place " from the couch to the new recliner next to the window . I really like this new spot because I have a better view through the window . This afternoon I was sitting in my chair and I spotted a bird sitting on the bird house that I just moved near the big rocks . I couldn 't see him clearly , but I thought he looked unusual . I was going to get the binoculars , but I remembered that I left them in the suburban . So instead I got out my camera , zoomed in , and took several photos . When I transferred the photos to my computer , I saw that it was , indeed , an unfamiliar bird . I opened our Birds of Michigan book and discovered that it was a Great Crested Flycatcher . I read that they are a " Common bird of wooded areas throughout the state . It lives high up in trees , rarely coming to the ground … . Feeds by gleaning insects from tree leaves . Nests in old woodpecker holes , but can be attracted to a nest box placed high in a tree … . Frequently stuffs its nest with a collection of fur , feathers , string and snakeskins . " I had never seen one before so I was really thrilled . I showed EJ my photos when he got home from work and he said he had never seen one before either . I love my recliner by the window ! I discovered , though , that in order to have a store here at my site , I have to upgrade to the Business Plan , which costs more . I think we will eventually do this , but at this moment , I have my hands full of remodeling this site , and we really have a lot of research to do , as well as discussions about our goals for our store . Eventually we hope for EJ to begin making items to sell , and we have a few other ideas as well . So we decided that we aren 't quite ready yet to upgrade to the Business Plans . Meanwhile , I 'm going to try to set up a link so that clicking on the store column will take a person to my Etsy store . It 's kind of fun doing all this , although I haven 't had as much time this weekend to play around with it as I anticipated . I have an Etsy order to fulfill , but as soon as I get the peppermint coasters finished , I will be able to devote some more time to setting up my blog . If you notice anything not working right , please let me know . After breakfast yesterday , I went outside to mow the lawn . I wanted to mow while the morning was still fresh and cool because I knew the day was going to heat up . It takes me about 2 hours to mow the lawn . Usually I try not to take any breaks , but yesterday I took three because it was so hot and humid that I could feel myself overheating . The first time I stopped to take a break was when I saw JJ come out of the house to go to work . I always pray with my guys before they go anywhere . After he drove away , I stumbled into the house to drink iced tea and sit in front of the fans . I looked at the thermometer , thinking that it was probably up into the 80s or 90s . I was surprised to see it was only 70 degrees . I don 't think the temperature went above 80 all day . I thought that my friend in Texas would laugh at me because she says that when it 's in the high 80s in Texas , she 's tempted to put on a sweater . But in my defense , it was extremely humid yesterday . I finally finished mowing the lawn . I love the look of a freshly mown lawn . After a break to cool off , I hung the laundry on the clothesline . Later I decided to dig up another wooden post when a birdhouse that the birds never use on top . I dragged it over to the big rocks and put it up next to the climbing rose bush growing there . I nailed a piece of chicken wire on the post so the roses can climb up it . The new post is to the left of the rocks . This morning we drove across to the Lake Huron side of Michigan to the 100 - acre woods , where EJ 's best friend 's parents live . EJ knew the family from his school days and he considers them to be a second family . He usually goes deer hunting at their place . T 's parents had recently ordered some new living room chairs . I think it 's sad that T 's Mom ordered the new furniture a month or so ago , but she suddenly died before they were delivered . T 's Dad , who looked very feeble , gave us the old recliners . EJ 's recliner was getting old and becoming uncomfortable so we were glad to get the new chairs . T 's Dad also gave EJ a wood splitter . The drive to and from the 100 acre woods is very beautiful . We went through elk country , but we didn 't see any elk . On the way home , EJ drove on a road where he and JJ had seen a bunch of bald eagles on their deer hunting trip years ago . He was hoping we would see some today , but we didn 't see any . We did see a large flock of turkey vultures feasting on a deer carcass . EJ counted 22 turkey vultures ! That is the most we have ever seen ! Here 's a video I took of it . I 'm sorry it is so shaky , but we were bouncing down a rough rural road . I probably should explain that in western movies , vultures or buzzards are always circling over dead cowboys so when we see the scavengers circling overhead , we always say there must be a dead cowboy . When we arrived home , JJ helped bring the two recliners into the house . They are very comfortable and look nice in our living room . We had planned that EJ would have one recliner and I would have the other . I can more easily see the view out of the windows from the recliner . However , at the moment I don 't have room to set my stuff on - my computer , drinks , crochet stuff , books , etc . Both EJ 's and my stuff won 't fit on the end table between the recliners . I might have to keep my place on the couch . I will give it some thought . The upgrade gives me a lot of new features , including new templates and fonts . I will be playing around with them over the next few days so expect surprising changes when you visit . If you like a look or feature please let me know . I aim to please . I think I have a new domain , whatever that means . I think that my new site URL will be ilovetogoagardening . com . Or not . Hopefully I will not get lost in cyberspace somewhere . If I do , please come find me because you all mean a lot to me and I 'd hate to lose you . Posted on June 15 , 2017 by TJ Leave a Comment As soon as EJ left for work this morning , I walked up and down our long steep driveway three times . Well , actually I walked down and up , but it 's easier to say up and down . I came into the house and took my shower and ate breakfast , and then I went down and up the driveway three more times . A little later I went down to the mailbox , and I took an extra trip down and up for a total of two more times . That 's eight trips . It was quite cool this morning , but there was a clammy tropical feel to the air so I knew it was going to be a very hot day . The high temperature reached only 80 this afternoon , but it was so humid that I melted whenever I went outside . At times I could feel sweat trickling down my back . I took a lot of breaks in the living room with two fans blowing on me to cool off . My beautiful happy yellow chicken shoes arrived in the mail . They are awesome . I will wear them whenever I am in the garden / chicken / duck pens . If they get all mucky , I can easily hose them off . I made the chickens a nice treat by pouring some mixed vegetables into a bowl and freezing it . I put it in a bowl of water in the chickens ' outdoor pen and they keep cool by pecking at the ice to get the veggies . I didn 't make any for the ducks because I figure they can keep cool by swimming in their pools . We installed drainage tile when we worked on our driveway our first summer at our new home . There was a length of it that has been sticking out of the ground at the top of the driveway . We had been planning to find some sort of basin to collect the rain water and funnel it into the tile , but we couldn 't find anything to use and I got tired of it sticking out of the ground , so this morning I cut it off , put the cap on the end remaining in the ground , and buried it . Then I carried stones to build a small dam to funnel the water into the tile . Good enough . I also removed some of the boards from the pallets that were not good enough to to use in our raised garden . I want to use the boards to paint an Enchanted Forest sign welcoming wanted visitors and delivery people and warning people who come to sell us something to turn back . Actually , EJ said he would do the lettering for me . In between working outside , I researched how to set up a e - store . It 's more complicated than I thought - but then things usually are . When EJ got home , I told him the results of my research and we discussed our plans . After supper when the temps had cooled a little , we walked down and up the driveway twice . In totally , I made ten trips down and back again . I 'm going to try to do that every day , if at all possible . The heat and humidity have been terrible since Saturday . I sometimes joke that I must have some snowman DNA because I feel as if I 'm melting in the heat and all the energy drains out of me . I seriously don 't know how people in the South can endure it . I 'd much rather have cold than heat . Saturday my sinuses were throbbing - I suspect it was because of approaching severe weather , although the storms ended up going north of us . A couple of years ago my friend sent me a mask that I can warm up or freeze to sooth my sinuses . I put it in the freezer and then wore it until it warmed up , and then refroze it again . JJ came out of his bedroom , saw me wearing my mask , paused , and gave me a look like " NOW what crazy thing is Mom doing ? ? ? " I told him it was my Superhero mask and when I wore it , he couldn 't recognize me . EJ piped up , " Trust me , if you ever wore that in public , there is no way I 'd recognize you . " Ha ha . Everyone is a comedian . The other evening , before it was dark , I opened the door so Danny could go outside and Little Bear escaped . I shouted , " Help ! Little Bear is out ! " and then I ran outside to try to capture him . As I ran out , I grabbed a can of moist cat food to help entice him to me . He is an indoor cat only and he was under the vehicles but was too nervous to be interested in the food . I ran to the other side of the vehicles so he couldn 't run into the forest . He was nervous and ran toward the front door , but when I followed to let him in , he got scared and ran under the vehicles again . We did this a couple times before JJ came out . I yelled for him to hold the door open , and then I went around the car , Little Bear ran toward the house and through the open door , and the story ended well . Silly cat . We keep blankets on a stand in our bedroom for when we get cold . It really is the best place for them so they are there even in the summer . Yesterday I was refolding one of them and a large black spider scurried across it . I think it was a wolf spider . EEEEK ! I dropped the blanket and ran and got the spider spray . I sprayed the blanket , sprayed under the bed , sprayed the blanket , sprayed under the cabinet . Then I nudged the blanket and the spider scurried across it again , so I sprayed it again . I took the blanket outside and drapped it across the patio chairs and sprayed it some more . I couldn 't see a body , and if there isn 't a body , I can 't know for sure that the spider is dead , so I sprayed the blanket again . Then I thought that with all the spraying , the blanket must now be very toxic and unsafe for humans . So I stuffed it in the washer and washed it , and then dried it in the drier . I didn 't see a body , but the spider surely couldn 't have survived all that … . right ? After supper , EJ decided that he would cut my hair . He actually does a very good job , I really like what he does , and I think he could easily be a hair stylist . He wanted to do something new so he cut it very short . It almost worked , but we agree that he didn 't quite achieve the style he was trying for and he cut my hair a little too short . He wanted me to comb my hair down in front of my face and then flip it over ( I can 't help but think of Prince Charming 's hair flip in Shrek ) . He said I looked better without a part . However , despite my efforts my hair insists on falling into a part . I told EJ that I really think he needs to give me bangs . I told him that it was ok if this current effort didn 't exactly turn out as planed because the only way to get good at cutting hair is to do it and hair will always grow out - although perhaps he should cut my hair in the winter so I can wear a hat if it doesn 't turn out . Ha ha ! I told EJ that letting him cut my hair is an indication of how deeply I trust him . Although the first storm that rolled through during the weekend missed us , we were hit with a couple others over the following days . The storms did not diminish the heat and humidity . I continued to melt and feel drained of energy , so I didn 't accomplish a whole lot this week . This morning , however , the temps were in the mid - to high - 60s . It was perfect . After EJ left for work , I walked up and down the driveway six or seven times for exercise . I 'm going to try to do that every day , unless it 's too hot in the mornings . While it was cool , I did a bunch of stuff outside . I dragged the old unusable garden hoses to the old green pickup truck and threw them in the back . We are going to get new hoses soon - like by this weekend . We want one hose for the back yard so I can more easily water the chickens , ducks , and garden , and one hose for the front yard to water the flower garden and EJ 's beloved apple trees . The climbing roses in the front flower garden needed something taller to climb . I eyed the wooden posts at the edges of the forest that hold my bird houses . They would be perfect if they didn 't have bird houses on them . Then I thought , Oh ! They would be even more perfect if I kept the bird houses on them ! ! ! They would be very decorative . And it 's not like the birds ever use the houses . This is the third summer that we have lived in Northern Michigan and I have not yet seen a single bird build a nest in any of the four houses I set up . Why would they be interested in a bird house when they have a whole forest of trees to nest in ? Duh . So I took out the t - posts / fencing that weren 't tall enough to adequately hold the roses . I moved them to the smaller rose bush near the front of the garden . Then I pulled up two of the bird house posts out of the ground , dragged them to the flower garden , used a post - hole digger to dig holes , and set the posts in them . I cut off two 10 foot lengths of chicken wire and nailed them to the posts , stretching them between the posts . I put one length of chicken wire high and one length low so all the roses would have something to climb . Then I twined the roses onto the chicken wire . I think it looks really good - although despite my best efforts , I wasn 't able to pack the dirt around the posts firmly enough so the posts keep leaning toward each other a little bit . EJ said he would fix that for me . The heat rose during the day and overcame the coolness . By the time I finished with the posts and roses , I was melting and drained . I took a small nap before beginning supper preparation . This evening a big storm came through . The National Weather Service for our area said we could get 60 mph winds and 1 ″ hail . We saw the storm getting closer on radar , so just before it hit , we went out to shut the chickens and ducks up for the night . Usually I have no problem putting them in because the chickens voluntarily go into their coop at twilight . However , tonight it was an hour earlier than usual and they didn 't want to go in . It 's very difficult to get unwilling chickens in their coop . I picked some lettuce from the garden and tried to lure them in while EJ and JJ went into their side of the outdoor pen and chased them in . They were not happy , but I did a headcount and when I knew that they were all in , I shut their little door . It was no problem herding the ducks into their coop . We got the coop shut up tight just before the storm hit . It has been storming for a few hours now . It rained really hard for a while , but I haven 't really heard strong wind or hail . Both Etsy and Facebook will " promote " products for an extra fee . It 's steep enough that I can 't really afford to promote my products , so I think those who can promote their products get more notice and those who don 't get lost in the crowd . EJ and I have been talking for some time about paying for an upgrade to this blog so I can move my store here . I 'm not getting rid of my blog ; I 'm just adding a store section . I will try not to make the store part annoying . We have discussed items EJ can maybe make and sell too . I 'm going to take the plunge soon , I think , so you might notice changes that come and go as I try to learn how to do it . It 's sort of an adventure and might be fun . Posted on June 9 , 2017 by TJ Leave a Comment After several days of working really hard , my energy sort of crashed . I 've had low motivation days in which I 've taken naps and done only my daily chores - nothing strenuous . Both EJ and I are still struggling somewhat with the sinus infection , although there 's been improvement . If the sinus infection lasts for too much longer , I 'm going to give it a name . My friend and I are finally back to studying Hebrew together ! Whoo hoo ! We live in different states so we learn together by videochat . We studied Hebrew for a couple of years but then had to stop because of JJ 's cancer . Our life situations since then have prevented us from studying , but we are finally back to it . We have forgotten a lot of what we had learned so we are pretty much starting over , but we don 't mind . Hebrew is a very beautiful , amazing language . Unlike other languages , Hebrew is more than grammar and pronunciation . Each letter or word has deep meaning so our lessons involve discussions of life and faith . We love it ! We are so glad to be back to studying ! Yesterday afternoon EJ texted me : " I got a huge sliver in my left hand so now at hosp . I am ok , waiting for Rx for antibiotic before heading back to work . It is stiff , swollen & sore … " I asked him how big the sliver was , but he ignored my question . When he got home , I asked again and he told me " You don 't need to know . " I told him that I really wanted to know so then he told me that the sliver was several inches long - about two inches of it went into his thumb . He pulled it out and almost passed out with pain - and he can handle a lot of pain so it must have REALLY hurt . He wasn 't going to say anything to his boss , but his hand began to throb so he told his boss who told him it was company policy that he needed to go to the hospital to have it checked out . So he went , and they did an x - ray even though they didn 't think a wooden sliver would show up . It didn 't , although they did find a sliver of something else in his hand - probably magnesium from his previous job . There is no way to tell if there is still a wood sliver in his hand so they gave him an antibiotic to prevent any infection . Hopefully if there is a sliver , it will work itself out . As EJ was telling me all this , I said , " Yuck , yuck , I think I 'm going to be sick . " He said , " Next time you need to trust me when I tell you that you really don 't need to know . " I said , " But I care about you ! " He said , " I know you care , but you don 't need to know . " I agreed . Even as a child I was so empathetic that I almost fainted ( and sometimes did ) when I saw / read / heard about suffering . Best of all , they have chickens on them and are my favorite color of yellow ! I have never particularly liked pale yellow , but this yellow - what I call " school bus " or " construction sign " yellow - fills me with strong feelings of warm happiness whenever I see it . It 's the same happiness that I feel when I see cute puppies or kittens . It 's very difficult to resist garden shoes in happy yellow . I 'm in and out of the house all day so I like slip on shoes that I can quickly slip on when I go outside and kick off when I enter the house . I don 't want to have to keep pausing to tie my shoes whenever I go outside or risk tracking dirt , straw , or poultry poop into the house . My current " work " shoes are dirty , worn out , and scruffy . Often I accidentally slosh water on them as I water the garden , fill / empty the ducks ' pool , or carry buckets of drinking water for the poultry . I save my good sneakers for going out in public . I wistfully showed the yellow garden shoes to EJ and he said , " They aren 't that expensive . Buy them . " So I ordered them this morning . In a few days , I will have happy yellow chicken shoes to work in . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Nadia Carridge was deeply in love , but could not live happily ever after . Her lifestyle was one of danger and intrigue , too dangerous to leave and too addictive to want to leave . She entered the life of mystery because of one man , Martin Anders . Martin , loved Nadia with a ferocity that no one else could match , but a dark dangerous secret from her childhood has followed her and threatens to ruin her life and the lives of everyone that she loves . Joined by a group of intelligent misfits , Nadia and Martin are determined to protect everyone , even you . A strong breeze came through the picture window , nearly unbalancing the young woman who was poised on its ledge . Her wavy mocha colored hair swirled around her bronze face as she gently unperched herself and entered the room . She straightened the cable that was harnessed to her sleek , , black cat suited frame , so as not to get it tangled with her small backpack . She eased around the desk , avoiding the button of the silent alarm she had been briefed about . She had to get on the other side of the room without tripping any of the installed alarms and now she was doubting her stealth . She crouched down beside the desk and whispered to the others that where waiting on the other end of her earpiece . " Stay right there . Don 't move . It won 't be much longer and I 'll have the alarms disabled . But , you will still have to worry about the safe . " She waited , looking around the curator 's office . The office was large with two doors on opposite sides of the room leading to other parts of the museum . The only pieces of furniture occupying the space were the desk and chair she was crouching by and another chair in front of the desk . The walls were lined with paintings and overloaded bookshelves , plants and small sculptures lined the tops . " All right , " The voice spoke up . " I 'm about to bypass the alarms by rerouting their signal to another museum that uses the same security set up . Remain still and tell me what , if anything , happens . " Walking to the center of the room , she stopped and pulled a small device , the size of a deck of playing card , out of a zippered pouch on her belt . She pushed a button to turn it on and pointed it to her left back towards the direction of the window in which she had entered . She lead the device around the room while reading the digital numbers that kept changing on the tiny screen . She stopped when she reached an area near the end of the room , along the wall to the right of her . She slipped the device back into the zippered pouch and walked over to the bookcase on the far right wall . She ran her hands along the assortment of books and started tapping in various places . When she heard a hollow sound , she used both hands to pull a section of books apart . She pulled out a hollow box , disguised like a set of Shakespeare 's works , to expose a wall safe . Setting the box on the ground , she pulled another device from her front pocket . She clamped it onto the dial of the safe and turned in on . The number counter started searching and beeped as it found each number of the encoded combination . Exchanging the small decoder for a diamond tester she kept in another pouch , she removed a bag , opened it and took out a few gleaming diamonds from within . She held up the tester and waited . The colorful light scale on the side started to light up . The neon green light ran up until it hit the yellow lights and they finally reached red . A long beep rang out . Satisfied , she returned the diamonds to the satchel and repeated the process with the remaining three satchels , then set them aside on the floor . When she was done she removed her backpack and took out four identical black pouches . She put three of the identical pouches into the safe and opened the last one , taking out a diamond simulant . She tested it with the diamond tester and was pleased when the tester read it as a diamond . Setting the last simulant bag down on the shelf , she placed the pouches containing the real diamonds and the tester inside the backpack and slipped it back on , securing it to her harness . " What am I doing here ? " The man in the doorway asked . " That 's a good question , one that I should be asking you . Here 's another question for you . What are you doing holding my diamonds ? " She didn 't have time to shut the safe or to put its disguise back over it . She looked down to the floor and noticed the heavy , hollowed out box sitting there . She shifted her weight trying to look nervous , while putting her foot into the box . When the man had almost reached her , she kicked her foot up and flung the heavy box at him . He managed to block his face , but his arm caught the full weight of the box . Still holding the bag of simulants , she raced back to the picture window and perched up on the ledge . She turned and saw that he was almost to the window . Smiling , she held the bag out of the window . CHAPTER ONE Nadia Carridge stepped off the plane and onto the boarding ramp at The Queenston , Florida National Airport . The other passengers filed past her , some businessmen with leather briefcases running to meet their next planes . She stood to the side for a while until everyone had passed . She wasn 't sure who would meet her at the end of that ramp . She wasn 't sure anyone had gotten the text message she had sent by mobile phone . It had been sent to three of her closest associates , stating : Saturday , I will meet the president … . Just me and Congressman Sutton at the Hotel Garden Gate for now … . The three from Florida left Thursday … . . Sutton is number four on the committee 's afternoon roster … . They changed codes every now and then , just to be safe . " Well , here goes . " She whispered to herself . Nadia gathered up her carry on case and handbag and headed down the ramp . As she neared the ramps end she could see the other passengers with their families . When she was at the end , she didn 't see anyone she knew , so she headed toward the baggage claim . She stood in the claim area searching for her bags . Still keeping an eye out for her ride . She took a chance and walked to the edge of the baggage area , near the exits leading to the cab stand . All of a sudden everyone in the terminal heard the same thing , the same voice , that same yell . " Ye haw ! How you little filly ? " A strong Texan accent blurted out from behind her and before she could protest , strong arms grasped her around the waist and swung her around in a circle . " Put me down ! Who are you ? Let me go this instant ! " She shrieked . The arms let her go and she spun around to see a broad shouldered cowboy . He was dressed in an awful red ho - down shirt , blue jeans , huge snakeskin boots . and he topped it all off with an oversized cowboy hat . The cowboy scratched at his scruffy beard and mustache then replied in a loud obnoxious voice . " What 's the matter little lady ? Don 't you recognize me ? " He drawled . " No , I do not . You must have me confused with someone else ! " They noticed that everyone in the terminal was looking at them . " Just come with me little darlin ' . " The cowboy pushed her along through the airport terminal . This was it . She thought . Devahn has caught up to me sooner than I expected . He has sent this Howdy Doody reject to off me . I 'll end up in some swamp dead with my feet and hands tied together with some sort of lasso . I could scream , but that would call more attention than we had had before and I don 't want any attention focused on me or my carry on case . " What are you doing ? Where are you taking me ? ! " She whispered quite audibly . " Just smile , I 'm not here to hurt you ! " He whispered sharply in her ear . " WShe placed the doll back in her case . " Yes , we got into a fight and nearly killed each other . He accused me of sending you to tamper with those diamonds . It 's going to get worse you know . " He leaned over and produced a small hand gun from under the seat and handed it to her . " Here , take this . " " Just to be careful , right ? " She took the hand gun , checked the safety and put it in her purse . " You got it . " He said . " So , he doesn 't know that I 'm alive ? . " Nadia raised a brow in question . " We weren 't sure who knew you were still with the living , so we disguised ourselves just in case . " Brianne yelled over her shoulder . " All right , come on Brianne , we can catch up on things while he does that . " Nadia took Brianne 's arm and lead them into the house . It was just as she had remembered , magnificent as always . Marbled floors and staircases surrounded the foyer . Each of the six bedrooms throughout the house were beautifully decorated with a classic flair . Nadia and Brianne went upstairs to her room . " So , how were the islands ? " Brianne asked . Nadia laid across the bed . " Great as usual . " She answered . Nadia couldn 't stop thinking about Brianne 's role in picking her up . Martin could have come alone . She had sent three messages , one to each of her friends ; Martin , Brianne , and another , Ebony Kane . She thought they would all get together and decide which one would pick her up , they always worked it out that way . " So Brianne , what is going on in your life ? " " Not much . I 've been working on some fashion exporting scandal to catch some heroin dealers that have been supplying the younger models . Gary Stevens has hired me for a couple of photo shoots . " Brianne posed comically . Nadia smiled briefly and gave her a steady stare . " Well , you weren 't too busy to help Martin come and get me , were you ? " Nadia watched Brianne and waited for her to give her an explanation . Brianne and Nadia had been friends for years . As a girl , Brianne was brought up in the hardest of families . Her father was one of the heads of naval security and a raging drunk , her mother was the base tramp that serviced most of the young G . I . 's . Both parents paying attention to their children only at public events . Brianne , her brother , Aaron , and her sister Lilia were usually caught in the middle of severe fights . Nadia tended to overlook some of Brianne 's little stunts , but she let her have an earful when she knew her friend needed it . If you weren 't lucky enough to be her friend , Brianne could be as sweet as sugar to your face and then turn around and stab you in the back with out batting an eyelash . " What 's that supposed to mean ? " Brianne asked coyly . " I 'll just put it this way , Brianne . I don 't want you distracted on the job , by men or anything else . Now , you know how we usually work the airport scene . That goes for all of us . Whoever gets the messages should all meet somewhere and decide who should pick up said person . Brianne , you could have put our operation in serious jeopardy and you know Martin is soft when it comes to a pleading women . " " Guilty , I did beg Martin to let me come to the airport , but if you think I had any ulterior motives , you can ease your mind . I 'm sorry about the limo thing , but the regular driver wasn 't available . I wasn 't thinking and I guess I just wanted to see you too . " " You knew exactly what you were doing . You wanted Martin to be impressed with you and you wanted to show him that you could handle more responsibility . " " Maybe I did want that a little . " Brianne sighed . " You are my friend and I love you very much , Brianne . God knows why sometimes , but so help me if you don 't start sticking to some of the rules you are going to make serious mistakes and you 'll end up paying dearly because of it . You got me ? " Nadia raised an eyebrow . " Sure , I completely understand . " Brianne nodded . " And that goes for Martin too . " Nadia shook her finger at the bright - eyed red head . " Would you excuse us , Brianne ? " He sauntered into the room and placed the rest of the bags by the bed . " Sure , I 'll be in the kitchen if you need me . " She turned and walked out of the room . She sighed and a barely audible , ' Rules ' , was muttered from Brianne . Brianne waved a comical arm as she disappeared around a corner . Martin took Nadia in his arms . The aroma of her perfume mixed with the salty air of the coast gave off a most alluring scent . He had forgotten what this was like just to hold her close to him , to savor the fact that she was safe once again . But , for how long ? He wondered . He had brought her into this ' business ' because he loved her too much to let her go . He always thought that they would marry someday , but it had never been the right time for them . Thinking back on his days as a child back in Havana , Cuba , he remembered how strong a marriage his father and mother had had and he didn 't want any less for him or for Nadia . Martin and his parents came to America by boat when he was nine years old . His mother wanted him to be an American citizen . If it hadn 't been for his Uncle Paolo , his family would have died in the streets of Havana , gunned down like animals . Martin remembered when his father was jobless and their family was close to starving , the Cuban gorillas offered him a job as a collector , but he refused and the militia took control of his house and threw the family out on the streets . ' No Police ! ' , his father had said . The militia controlled most of the force and they would surely be killed if they spoke out . They were lucky that they were thrown out on the street instead of shot in their beds . Martin had a Cuban accent , but could charm up others whenever he needed . Most people could not guess his nationality and he loved that . He could pass for Italian , Colombian , Hawaiian , and even some European nationalities if he threw the right accent and language the persons way . Her arms tightened around his neck , " You 're glad to see me ? " She teased . " Well , let me show you . " Martin lifted her off the ground a bit and kissed her softly on the lips . " Martin , " She sighed , pulling back from him . " I 've missed you . " Nadia rubbed his massive arms and gave him a light slap on his bicep . " Now , that is just not possible , my love . " She smiled up at him . " Instead of Brianne cooking , how does dinner at Fagio 's sound ? " He asked . " Sounds wonderful . Give me a while to shower and change . " " I wish I could join you . " He grinned . She giggled . Just as he was about to lean down and kiss her again a voice came from the doorway . " Oh , uh , sorry . " Brianne cleared her throat . " Martin , something just came over your fax for you , it looks important . " " Damn it all ! " He yelled , " It had better be ! " Nadia sighed and collapsed in defeat on the plush bed . " Sorry , if I interrupted , Nadia . " " It 's okay , Brianne . I apologize for being a bitch a minute ago . I 've just been away for so long . " " Hey , what 's a day without a little bitching . " Brianne gave her a quick smile and sauntered down the hallway . " I just hope I can keep it together . " Nadia whispered under her breath . Groggily , she opened her eyes and realized that she had drifted off . Looking at the clock on the bedside table , Nadia found that it was six fifteen . She had been asleep for an hour and felt more energized than she had been earlier . She decided to unpack and then join Martin down in his study . After she showered she opted for a form fitting dress . The fire engine shade of red was perfect , showing off her bronze glow . As she was pulling back her wavy tresses , Martin came to the doorway in a rush . He gave her a quick once over and smiled with approval . " Why did you let me sleep ? " She teased . " You needed it . " " How do I look ? " She asked . " Marvelous as always . Honey , look , that fax I received earlier was from one of our informants stating that Devahn DeMarco is going to be in disguise tonight at Senator Sheehan 's estate and seeing that the good senator is a family friend of Brianne 's , we have a perfect in without having to disguise ourselves . How do you feel about that ? " He asked cautiously . " How do I feel about confronting Devahn ? The same man who wants to kill me for getting to those diamonds first ? " She hesitated a moment and then shrugged , " I guess now is as good a time as any to make myself known . " She sighed and shook her head . " I wonder what he is up to ? " " Hopefully , my darling , that is what we are about to find out . " He looked at her with concern . Throwing a sheer red scarf around her neck , Nadia walked out of the house and stepped up to Martin who was waiting for her by the limo . She noticed that Brianne was standing near the front of the car talking to someone , but she couldn 't tell who it was . " Whose driving ? " She asked . Brianne couldn 't be disguised as a driver since she would be attending the party . When Brianne noticed that Nadia was ready , she finished her conversation and went around to the opposite side of the car and got in . " Ian will be driving . He 's a new associate . " Martin motioned towards a tall , handsome man with dark hair and ruddy complexion . He reminded her of a young Gabriel Byrne . Nadia held out her hand . " Nice to meet you . " He said in a thick Irish accent while taking her hand to kiss it . " Likewise . " She smiled Martin opened the door for her and she slipped in next to Brianne . Brianne turned and smiled as she noticed a tall , older gentleman with a broad build . Senator William Sheehan walked towards her and came to stand by her side . His salt and pepper hair gleaming from the chandelier lights . She looked back towards Nadia and Martin . Nadia was in the center of the room talking with night club owner , Santana Sangramano . Martin was heading upstairs to the gallery room . Nadia knew that Santana was up on the latest gossip , but she wasn 't about to let her in on too much . Santana came from one of the biggest crime families in North America . The Sangramano 's were one of the most feared , untouchable , and respected of families in the country and were based all over , from New York to Miami , Dallas , and Las Vegas . Nadia smiled to herself . She really loved that family , but she was already in enough trouble without having to involve them . But , if she needed them , she knew that they would be there . She had seen Brianne head toward the verandah with Sen . Sheehan , but had no idea where Martin was . She hadn 't spotted Devahn DeMarco yet , but she would be ready when she found him . She slid her hand down to her side to make sure her pistol was still in her handbag . It was . Martin walked into the gallery room admiring several paintings by new young artists . One painting astounded him . It was a beach scene , a picture of a young woman dressed in a flowing sundress , the color of a mid - evening blue sky . Her hair was tied up in a scarf the same brilliant color as the dress . She had a hand to the side of her face , as if in disbelief as she looked down at her side . At her feet and all around her were children with flowers and beads , holding them up to her as if they were offerings to a goddess . The woman had a soft smile on her face and did not seem to mind the wind and water spray around her from the ocean , nor the sand between her toes . She just marveled at the native children . Martin turned around to see a young man dressed in black , not much taller than himself . His dark eyes were intense and piercing . His hair was short in the back and long on top . He couldn 't place his face , but Martin could have sworn that he had seen him before . " Well , getting back to the matter at hand . What do you think of her ? " Jorma walked over to straighten the picture . " I painted her . " " Ah , I see . I like it . " Martin nodded . " Anyway , so … uh … Jorma . What made you decide to paint the picture ? The one that looks like my friend . " " I think your painting might be of my companion after all . " Martin moved closer to Jorma and looked him in the eyes . " Who sent you Jorma ? Why are you here ? Is this some sort of a diversion ? " " Sent me ? What are you talking about , Bro ? I came here to drum up new business for my art gallery . I can 't help it if a person I painted resembles a friend of yours . " " Come with me . " He took her arm and led her up to the gallery room . He stopped her in front of the beach picture . " Look . " " This is Jorma Levitson , he painted that picture . " Martin gestured to Jorma then to the picture . " Your picture . Jorma , this is my companion , Nadia . " The artist put a hand to his forehead . " Oh , here we go again . Look sister , no one sent me . I am an artist , I paint things . I happened to be there when I saw you and all those wonderful kids . So , I just painted it . Am … am I on some sort of camera show ? It 's a camera show , right ? " " So do I . " She slipped her arm through his , then turned back to Jorma . " Hey , no … no , you 're not on some show . This is all just some sort of coincidence and misunderstanding . It was nice to meet you , Jorma , and it really is a very nice picture . Thank you . " " What the hell is wrong with you , man ? We ask you a simple question and you shove us off like that ? You didn 't even ask her for her permission . " " Look , I didn 't mean to be rude , but that 's some of my best work . It would take a lot for me to part with it . " He reached into his jacket pocket , pulled out a business card and handed it to Nadia . " I can paint a portrait of you if you want . Just let me know , okay ? She had been recruited by Martin a few years earlier . He had seen her perform at the Stardust in Las Vegas and an idea came to him . When he met her backstage , he found out that she was not just a beautiful performer , but was highly intelligent . She was wise and street smart and could hold conversation with the best of men . Ebony had dropped out of university in order to care for her younger siblings . She had wanted to be scientist or doctor , but as the years accumulated that dream had slipped away along with her youth . The job Martin gave her would let her be both scientist and doctor in a different form . He knew Devahn would fall for her , so he hired her to be a go between . A very dangerous , but well paid position . She jumped at it . Now , she couldn 't get away from the excitement or danger . She loved and hated it . " Let 's split up . I 'll tell Brianne where we 're going , " He gave Nadia 's arm a squeeze and whispered to her . " Be careful … " Then , Martin , turned and walked away . She headed toward the stairs and ascended to the gallery . She stopped briefly in front of her picture and smirked . She remembered that day , walking along the beach in St . Thomas . She had been playing with the children all day . That evening as she was heading toward her hotel , the children had each given her some token of thanks , for being so kind . Jorma must have been there . Even though some of the children in the drawing didn 't looked much like any of the children she had played with that day , her face was perfectly vivid . Clearly recognizable . Martin had told Brianne what was going down . She insisted on helping , but he told her to stay were she was , so she could keep an eye on the charity recipients . One just might be a cleverly disguised Devahn . Knowing that Nadia had headed upstairs , he decided to start with the bottom corridors and work his way up . Nadia peeked into one of the bedrooms and found that it was Senator Sheehan 's . After seeing that there was a flicker of light underneath an adjoining room door , she stepped in quietly and closed the door behind her . She noticed that the flicker of light had stopped when she had shut the door . Pulling the derringer from her evening bag , she readied it and approached the connecting door . As she switched on the light , she noticed that the room was Senator Sheehan 's adjoining upstairs study . Everything looked in place . His desk , a deep mahogany , was arranged very neatly . Even the stacks of newly opened letters were set aside in neat piles . On a corner of the desk a picture sat away from everything else in a regal position . It was a picture of Neil Sheehan , the senator 's playboy son . His pride and joy and his only offspring . Nadia had met Neil briefly , when he and Brianne ran in the same circles . For the first time she had noticed that he was wearing an Air Force uniform . He reached into a pocket of his jacket and produced a switch blade . He held it up to her throat and gently let it glide down to the center of her chest . " You 've already ruined tonight for me . It was perfect , I just go up and accept the charity fund check as Colonel Robert Pernefsky of the United States Air Force . I do so love to help those starving Cambodians , don 't you ? " He smiled as he slid the blade underneath her shoulder strap . Nadia became furious . She wasn 't about to let , Devahn DeMarco , have violent thrills with her . She started fighting like a wildcat , not caring where the blade was . Still clawing at Devahn , she heard a thud , then a clinking noise . She assumed the switch blade fell to the floor . With all the strength she could muster , Nadia dislodged her left leg out from under him and gave a thrust with everything she had , kicking him square in his manhood . She felt the pressure of his body ease away from her . As she looked into his face she saw the anger and pain he was feeling . He rose a little , just enough to where Nadia could push him off of her . She jumped to her feet , reached across the desk and found the sleek , silvery opener . He was right behind her now , trying to pin her against the desk . Devahn yelled and reeled away from the desk . Grasping his hand , he pulled the opener out of his flesh . She ran for the door , but his longer strides caught up with her . He grabbed her by her hair and threw her back down . He was atop of her again with his right arm raised , the blade tightly clenched in his fist . " What am I doing ? I was about to ask you the same question ! " Jorma reached behind him and took hold of Nadia 's hand to make sure she was okay . Devahn lunged towards Jorma with the blade out . Jorma kicked it out of his hand and jabbed him across the face again . Devahn came back with a punch of his own that sent the lanky artist flying into a wall . Devahn wrapped his hands around Jorma 's neck and began to squeeze , to which Jorma Levitson did in turn , taking hold of Devahn DeMarco 's neck . Which sent them into a frenzied tussle for power . " This has to be the ugliest thing that I have ever seen . You call this art ? At least it 's good for something , right ? " She waved the small piece of art at him and then let it drop on top of Devahn 's midsection . " Yeah , I think so . But I have got to work out more . I nearly bought it . " She winced at her aching shoulder . Peeking under the blazer , she noticed that she was bleeding from the small cut . " I 'm okay , really . " " No , no , no , no , Martin . Look at me , calm down . It was Devahn . He caught me off guard and jumped me . He would have killed me if it wasn 't for Jorma here . He saved my life , and fought with him . Devahn was ready to kill him , Martin . " She looked back in Jorma 's direction . Jorma spoke up , " Look , I don 't know what is going on . I just knew that she was in trouble and it wasn 't right . I 'd do the same again . What 's going on ? Did you guys disagree on some kind of business deal ? " " Nadia looked up at Martin and whispered . " He couldn 't know what Devahn is involved in . He saved my life , Martin . That couldn 't be faked . " " Okay , okay , " He looked up at Jorma still somewhat suspicious of him . " I 'll give you the benefit of the doubt . Thank you for your help . " Nadia walked over to the private study . " Yeah , we have to stash him somewhere until he wakes . We can 't leave him here . Senator Sheehan will think the rest of the his guests are in danger . " " Shit , I guess they 'll both turn up in time , " Martin scowled . " Let 's clean this place up and return to the party . We don 't want the senator to find blood all over his study . " It had been a week since the gala and no one had seen any sign of trouble from Devahn , but everyone was on their guard . Martin , said it was time to get back to business as usual . The business of making money and occasionally helping the needy . He was on the phone talking to the police commissioner of Queenston , Roy Houston . It was important to look as clean as possible on paper . Martin would find out who had jumped bail or was wanted by the feds and other agencies , how much he or she was worth . Then if he felt that the reward was worth the risk , they would go on the chase and turn the offender over to the highest bidder . " Yes , Roy . I understand . , " Martin smiled as Nadia and Brianne entered the room . " Sure , give us a week or two , all right ? Thanks . " Martin returned the receiver to its cradle . " Just another job . I 'm not sure if we all will be going this time . We will require a group for this job though . " He said as he stroked her hair . She couldn 't wait to get out of Florida . Ebony and Nadia generally got all of the interesting work . Brianne was still pretty new to the business . He stood up , lit a cigar and continued . " Those who go will have separate rooms , except for Ebony and Ian , who will be there as honeymooners . Nadia will be there as a school teacher from Dallas and I will be the lonely , nerdy business man . " " Hey , I 've got a wig , glasses , and a suit that Steve Martin wouldn 't touch . Believe me , I 'll fit the part . Okay , here 's the main info , this guy has been spotted in Las Vegas , we will be there for two or three days . Our target is named , Manuel Vega . He 's on the Ten Most Wanted List for bank robbery and murdering a family in the witness protection program . The family was very close to a political figure . There is a one million dollar reward for his capture . In the past he was known for gambling in the back rooms , so we have to draw him out without getting too many casino owners involved . I think that we can pull this all together in less than two weeks . " Brianne was a little upset . " I want to go , Martin . I am sick and tired of waiting here while everyone else gets to go to exciting places ! I work just as hard as anybody and I deserve a chance to prove that I can do something other than get my picture taken ! " Nadia tried to rest Brianne 's temper , " This man is quite dangerous , Brianne . Yes , you do work just as hard as the rest of us , but you have a hot head and that could be trouble . We need someone to be here . We need your backup expertise for this job . " " Bri ! " He gave her a fierce look . " Quiet , I decide who , when , and where . Go and do your hair or something . Maybe you can help on the next job . When they were alone , Martin walked over to Nadia , who was still staring out the window . He put his arms around her and gave her a tiny squeeze . For such a harsh businessman , it was hard to believe that Martin could be so sweet and compassionate at certain times . " About everything , " She sighed . " Martin , don 't you get tired of this business ? I … I 'm not sure if like the danger anymore . " " Hey … you know you love the danger . We have the best contacts and head people in our corner . We take the utmost precautions and are armed to the teeth . " " Look , you 've been away for a while . It 's going to take some getting use to , to get back into the swing of things . And besides , you 're still recovering from Devahn 's attack . You and I both know that he will regret that soon enough . " He hugged her close to him . " I promise . " " It 's not just that , Martin . " She walked over to a sculpture of a child sitting on his mothers lap . " I 've been thinking about where I 'm going and what I 'll do when I get old . Who 'll take care of me , if I even get to be old ? " " Ah , so that 's it . Children , family , marriage and the whole works again . I told you , someday we 'll do that . It 's just not the right time for it , that 's all , " Martin took her hand and led her back to the davenport , they sat . " So , tell me , what brought all this on ? " " I guess you 're right , It 's a bit of everything . Devahn 's attack on me , the islands , and being away from you for so long . The children too , I imagine . " Her voice trailed off into a whisper . " It 's that God damned painting , isn 't it ? " His voice filled with disdain for the artist . His first instinct was to not trust , Jorma Levitson , but Nadia seemed to like him . Even though Jorma knew Devahn , Nadia 's instincts were usually on the mark . " I know , I know , " Martin threw up his hands in protest at more comments . " But you need excitement , not a carpool and two point five kids . That just isn 't you and you know it . " " We 'll talk more after the next job . Maybe you 'll feel a little different then . " Martin pushed a wavy strand of hair from her forehead . He was about to say more when Brianne came flouncing into the room . " You 've got a phone call , Nadia . Some guy . I asked who it was , but he just told me that you wanted him to call about the painting ? Does that make any sense to you ? " Brianne raised her brows in question . " I 'm about to take off for a while , if that 's all right ? Your caller is on line four . " She started to put on her coat . " I 've got to have a talk with her . I think she 's starting to like Ian too much . I don 't want my best marksman shooting off target if we get into a bind . " " That 's quite all right . It was worth it . " Jorma 's deep voice answered back . " This is Jorma Levitson . The artist that painted you . " " No buts , just be here at 6 : 30 p . m . sharp , okay ? Look , I 've got to go . Be there . " " So , what 's going on ? That beatnik wouldn 't sell me that picture for anything and now he 's giving it to you ? " Martin sneered . " What ! " Martin exclaimed a little too loudly . " No , absolutely not . We shouldn 't even be trusting this guy and you want to go meet with him ? We have dinner plans anyway . " " Don 't be jealous , sweetie . I 'll be careful . You can even have one of the guys tail me if you want . " She gave him another soft lingering kiss . The Art Look was in Queenston 's theater district . A maze of antique shops , theaters , outdoor cafe 's , and galleries . Many local artists wanted their work displayed there . It was an old converted warehouse with a second story . The décor was all hardwood floors and cornflower blue beams and columns , with florescent tubes and bulbs attached to various beams along the ceiling , columns and walls . It was inviting and surreal at the same time . No , Jorma isn 't the devious type . It couldn 't be a trap . He did , however , know Devahn and she could never let herself forget that . More relaxed now , she pulled off her long sheer overcoat and tossed it onto a nearby chair . She checked herself in a mirror near the bathroom entrances . With her hair pulled back in a loose bun at the nape of her neck she looked a little older than her twenty - nine years . Her long black dress accentuating " Sorry to keep you waiting , Ms . Carridge . I had to make a phone call , " Jorma Levitson appeared in a doorway on the opposite side of the gallery . " Please , join me , if you would . There 's coffee in the back if you 'd like . " " I 'll pass on the coffee , thank you , and please call me Nadia . " She looked him over closely . God , she thought , he 's gorgeous . Jorma carried himself in a similar way as Martin . There was a cunning , assuredness illuminated from his eyes , his walk was like an easy glide , not a sign of awkwardness any where in sight . His form of dress , a white tee shirt and belted black slacks , showed he could have fun one moment and be serious the next . " Oh , no … I , uh , I don 't own this place . I have a very generous benefactor . " He motioned for her to have a seat on the couch . " Please . " " Just simple errands , that 's all , " He quickly changed the subject . " So , what do you do , besides tangle with dangerous businessmen at charity events ? And don 't tell me it was all a big misunderstanding . The way you and DeMarco were fighting was so unreal . I 've never seen him like that . What 's this all about ? " " Misunderstanding , " She shook her head . " I wish it were that simple . No , it wasn 't a misunderstanding . Your friend and I have been at each others throats for years now . That 's why I 'm so surprised that we don 't know each other , Jorma . I thought I knew everything about Devahn and his business . " " Well , you should know that big business and big money are hard to give up . The competition can get dangerous , but the adrenaline rush is so great that you just can 't give it up . It becomes a way of life . " " It 's not really a secret anyway . So , I 'll trust you for now . " Nadia folded her arms and tried to distract herself from his wandering eyes . " I had just turned twenty one and graduated from college . My parents were foreign dignitaries , so we traveled a lot . Anyway , my mother and I were traveling around to the private schools where I had interviews for teaching jobs . Well , in the middle of our trip a message came that said my father had been taken hostage on a business trip to Morocco . " She turned away . " Oh , it was , and it got worse . My mother and I flew over to Rabat , the capitol , to find out how we could free him . No one could , or would , help us . " " Oh , I feel so stupid ! Look at me . I 'm getting frazzled just talking about it . " She gave a faint smile . " No , it 's fine . Anyway , my mother and I went through the streets and back alleyways with a translator until we found a teenage boy that worked for the kidnappers indirectly . Thank goodness he spoke some English . He pulled us aside and confessed that he knew where my father was . He told us that we couldn 't talk to the terrorists , that they don 't listen to reason . The boy said that we would have to break him out and since we were women and didn 't know the area we would need help . We were about to call the embassy , but the boy said no . He said that we needed outside help . We didn 't know anyone there , so he said that he would help us . He felt bad for us and we for him . Most of the young men there were being forced to join the terrorist army . They paid well for runners , people who knew the area well . So , my mother asked him what we should do to get my father out . " " Well , " She gently pulled her hand away . " Haji , was the boys name , he told us about foreigners who came in from the sea once a week to sell goods . They might be able to help us , because they were strong and looked like soldiers to him . We would have to meet the leader in a tavern the next day . Haji , would bring him there . So , the next day we met them there and I … " " Momma said , ' Anything to get , Montero back . ' " Nadia took a sip of the warm , brown liquid then continued , " The compound , where my father was being held , was on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean just a couple of miles southwest of Rabat . We took jeeps up to a safe point … " " Yes , as did Momma , I told her not to , but she wouldn 't listen , " She chuckled . " I think that 's where I get my stubbornness . Martin was furious and said that it was impossible , but I then reminded him of the money that we were doling out and he grudgingly gave in . Anyway , as I was saying , we took the jeeps up to a safe point and then hiked the rest of the way . Martin 's men were kept on the outside of us for protection . Some of them were ex - cons , but most of them were ex - soldiers and they would go into Rabat to sell weapons and other profitable goods . So , they had all the experience we needed to help my father . We were spread out enough so the lookouts wouldn 't notice an extra rustle or two of bushes . Kenji , our frontman , would take care of the guards as we came up on them … " " No … no … Kenji was the type to just shoot . No questions asked . We were terrified , but knew that it was very necessary . The guards would not think twice about killing any of us , so we did what was required . We finally made it to an underground cellar that lead into the basement of the compound , " Not in the least . Haji was a servant boy and he was often sent to do stand in jobs . Well , when the guards left , Haji , simply took the keys and let him out . Mom and I were so overjoyed to see him we couldn 't stop hugging him and saying I love you over and over . We all took off , back towards the tunnels and then to the jeeps . Mom wouldn 't let my father go , not for an instant . It was strange watching my parents run through the woods . Mama dressed in camouflage fatigues and Father in his torn up business suit . It was very traumatic . On our way through the woods a soldier came back from his rounds sooner than we expected and we were spotted . They fired on us and took chase . Haji was shot in the process . " " Miraculously , no . Martin picked the boy up and carried him , running full speed back to the jeeps . Martin , Haji and I were in the first jeep . I wanted to ride with Mama and Father , but Martin said that they were too far behind and would have to ride in one of the other jeeps . As I looked back I saw more soldiers emerging from the woods and then I saw an explosion . Someone had thrown a grenade and had taken out one of the jeeps . " " Yes . I screamed , cried out for them . I almost jumped out of the jeep I was in , but Martin held my wrists down as the jeep came to a halt . He screamed at me to be quiet . He told me that we were safe and that was all that mattered at that point . We couldn 't do anything to save them , but Haji was in the back seat and we had to save him . I was so hysterical that he had to slap me , then he just held me close and let me cry . I calmed down after a while and tended to Haji , putting pressure on his back wound as his men drove us to the closest hospital . I figured that I had to be brave for this boy , he was so scared . Martin said that that impressed him the most about me . " " Yes , I was devastated . My parents used to explain to me that we would be in strange countries off and on and things were might get scary from time to time . Some situations would be hard to deal with , but they never mentioned anything like kidnapping . Now … where was I ? Oh , yes , we had dropped Haji at the hospital . I hated leaving him there , but we had to get to the ship and leave as soon as possible . The gorillas could have been following us , so we had to be quick . " " We thought so too . " She smiled , " The grenade hit a tree close to the jeep and it crashed into some bushes . Kenji told my parents to jump just in time . When they met us back at the boat hey were a little bruised and banged up , but other than that they were fine . " " So , that means Martin got his fee after all . " Jorma sat up and waited for her response . Nadia smiled with a far - off look , then shook her head slowly . " Yes , yes I did . I knew I trusted him the moment he put his arms around me . He thought of me rather than his own safety . I knew I had to be with him for the rest of my life . " " Oh , Yes . I almost forgot what with your exciting tales of Rabat . " He stood and walked over to the desk and pulled some papers out of the drawer . " Nadia , that 's not the only one . There are a few more and I 'd like permission to paint more . " He sat back down . " Say , yes . " " It says here that he would be able to paint you in the nude . No , no , there is no damn way . I won 't have it . " " The food is fine , Angelo . It 's my woman here who is twisted ! Some guy wants to see her naked ! " Martin ground his teeth in anger . " No ! " Nadia whispered , " That won 't be necessary , Poppy . He 's just an artist . I 'm sure anything he does will be done with the utmost taste . " " All right , but just you remember , cara . You are like my own . If you both need my family … . " He shook a stout finger at them . And … . I 'm not disputing it . I had just exited a highway onto a long stretch of road and there was a construction zone right after there . I was trying to slow down , but it was too late .

Nadia Carridge was deeply in love , but could not live happily ever after . Her lifestyle was one of danger and intrigue , too dangerous to leave and too addictive to want to leave . She entered the life of mystery because of one man , Martin Anders . Martin , loved Nadia with a ferocity that no one else could match , but a dark dangerous secret from her childhood has followed her and threatens to ruin her life and the lives of everyone that she loves . Joined by a group of intelligent misfits , Nadia and Martin are determined to protect everyone , even you . A strong breeze came through the picture window , nearly unbalancing the young woman who was poised on its ledge . Her wavy mocha colored hair swirled around her bronze face as she gently unperched herself and entered the room . She straightened the cable that was harnessed to her sleek , , black cat suited frame , so as not to get it tangled with her small backpack . She eased around the desk , avoiding the button of the silent alarm she had been briefed about . She had to get on the other side of the room without tripping any of the installed alarms and now she was doubting her stealth . She crouched down beside the desk and whispered to the others that where waiting on the other end of her earpiece . " Stay right there . Don 't move . It won 't be much longer and I 'll have the alarms disabled . But , you will still have to worry about the safe . " She waited , looking around the curator 's office . The office was large with two doors on opposite sides of the room leading to other parts of the museum . The only pieces of furniture occupying the space were the desk and chair she was crouching by and another chair in front of the desk . The walls were lined with paintings and overloaded bookshelves , plants and small sculptures lined the tops . " All right , " The voice spoke up . " I 'm about to bypass the alarms by rerouting their signal to another museum that uses the same security set up . Remain still and tell me what , if anything , happens . " Walking to the center of the room , she stopped and pulled a small device , the size of a deck of playing card , out of a zippered pouch on her belt . She pushed a button to turn it on and pointed it to her left back towards the direction of the window in which she had entered . She lead the device around the room while reading the digital numbers that kept changing on the tiny screen . She stopped when she reached an area near the end of the room , along the wall to the right of her . She slipped the device back into the zippered pouch and walked over to the bookcase on the far right wall . She ran her hands along the assortment of books and started tapping in various places . When she heard a hollow sound , she used both hands to pull a section of books apart . She pulled out a hollow box , disguised like a set of Shakespeare 's works , to expose a wall safe . Setting the box on the ground , she pulled another device from her front pocket . She clamped it onto the dial of the safe and turned in on . The number counter started searching and beeped as it found each number of the encoded combination . Exchanging the small decoder for a diamond tester she kept in another pouch , she removed a bag , opened it and took out a few gleaming diamonds from within . She held up the tester and waited . The colorful light scale on the side started to light up . The neon green light ran up until it hit the yellow lights and they finally reached red . A long beep rang out . Satisfied , she returned the diamonds to the satchel and repeated the process with the remaining three satchels , then set them aside on the floor . When she was done she removed her backpack and took out four identical black pouches . She put three of the identical pouches into the safe and opened the last one , taking out a diamond simulant . She tested it with the diamond tester and was pleased when the tester read it as a diamond . Setting the last simulant bag down on the shelf , she placed the pouches containing the real diamonds and the tester inside the backpack and slipped it back on , securing it to her harness . " What am I doing here ? " The man in the doorway asked . " That 's a good question , one that I should be asking you . Here 's another question for you . What are you doing holding my diamonds ? " She didn 't have time to shut the safe or to put its disguise back over it . She looked down to the floor and noticed the heavy , hollowed out box sitting there . She shifted her weight trying to look nervous , while putting her foot into the box . When the man had almost reached her , she kicked her foot up and flung the heavy box at him . He managed to block his face , but his arm caught the full weight of the box . Still holding the bag of simulants , she raced back to the picture window and perched up on the ledge . She turned and saw that he was almost to the window . Smiling , she held the bag out of the window . CHAPTER ONE Nadia Carridge stepped off the plane and onto the boarding ramp at The Queenston , Florida National Airport . The other passengers filed past her , some businessmen with leather briefcases running to meet their next planes . She stood to the side for a while until everyone had passed . She wasn 't sure who would meet her at the end of that ramp . She wasn 't sure anyone had gotten the text message she had sent by mobile phone . It had been sent to three of her closest associates , stating : Saturday , I will meet the president … . Just me and Congressman Sutton at the Hotel Garden Gate for now … . The three from Florida left Thursday … . . Sutton is number four on the committee 's afternoon roster … . They changed codes every now and then , just to be safe . " Well , here goes . " She whispered to herself . Nadia gathered up her carry on case and handbag and headed down the ramp . As she neared the ramps end she could see the other passengers with their families . When she was at the end , she didn 't see anyone she knew , so she headed toward the baggage claim . She stood in the claim area searching for her bags . Still keeping an eye out for her ride . She took a chance and walked to the edge of the baggage area , near the exits leading to the cab stand . All of a sudden everyone in the terminal heard the same thing , the same voice , that same yell . " Ye haw ! How you little filly ? " A strong Texan accent blurted out from behind her and before she could protest , strong arms grasped her around the waist and swung her around in a circle . " Put me down ! Who are you ? Let me go this instant ! " She shrieked . The arms let her go and she spun around to see a broad shouldered cowboy . He was dressed in an awful red ho - down shirt , blue jeans , huge snakeskin boots . and he topped it all off with an oversized cowboy hat . The cowboy scratched at his scruffy beard and mustache then replied in a loud obnoxious voice . " What 's the matter little lady ? Don 't you recognize me ? " He drawled . " No , I do not . You must have me confused with someone else ! " They noticed that everyone in the terminal was looking at them . " Just come with me little darlin ' . " The cowboy pushed her along through the airport terminal . This was it . She thought . Devahn has caught up to me sooner than I expected . He has sent this Howdy Doody reject to off me . I 'll end up in some swamp dead with my feet and hands tied together with some sort of lasso . I could scream , but that would call more attention than we had had before and I don 't want any attention focused on me or my carry on case . " What are you doing ? Where are you taking me ? ! " She whispered quite audibly . " Just smile , I 'm not here to hurt you ! " He whispered sharply in her ear . " WShe placed the doll back in her case . " Yes , we got into a fight and nearly killed each other . He accused me of sending you to tamper with those diamonds . It 's going to get worse you know . " He leaned over and produced a small hand gun from under the seat and handed it to her . " Here , take this . " " Just to be careful , right ? " She took the hand gun , checked the safety and put it in her purse . " You got it . " He said . " So , he doesn 't know that I 'm alive ? . " Nadia raised a brow in question . " We weren 't sure who knew you were still with the living , so we disguised ourselves just in case . " Brianne yelled over her shoulder . " All right , come on Brianne , we can catch up on things while he does that . " Nadia took Brianne 's arm and lead them into the house . It was just as she had remembered , magnificent as always . Marbled floors and staircases surrounded the foyer . Each of the six bedrooms throughout the house were beautifully decorated with a classic flair . Nadia and Brianne went upstairs to her room . " So , how were the islands ? " Brianne asked . Nadia laid across the bed . " Great as usual . " She answered . Nadia couldn 't stop thinking about Brianne 's role in picking her up . Martin could have come alone . She had sent three messages , one to each of her friends ; Martin , Brianne , and another , Ebony Kane . She thought they would all get together and decide which one would pick her up , they always worked it out that way . " So Brianne , what is going on in your life ? " " Not much . I 've been working on some fashion exporting scandal to catch some heroin dealers that have been supplying the younger models . Gary Stevens has hired me for a couple of photo shoots . " Brianne posed comically . Nadia smiled briefly and gave her a steady stare . " Well , you weren 't too busy to help Martin come and get me , were you ? " Nadia watched Brianne and waited for her to give her an explanation . Brianne and Nadia had been friends for years . As a girl , Brianne was brought up in the hardest of families . Her father was one of the heads of naval security and a raging drunk , her mother was the base tramp that serviced most of the young G . I . 's . Both parents paying attention to their children only at public events . Brianne , her brother , Aaron , and her sister Lilia were usually caught in the middle of severe fights . Nadia tended to overlook some of Brianne 's little stunts , but she let her have an earful when she knew her friend needed it . If you weren 't lucky enough to be her friend , Brianne could be as sweet as sugar to your face and then turn around and stab you in the back with out batting an eyelash . " What 's that supposed to mean ? " Brianne asked coyly . " I 'll just put it this way , Brianne . I don 't want you distracted on the job , by men or anything else . Now , you know how we usually work the airport scene . That goes for all of us . Whoever gets the messages should all meet somewhere and decide who should pick up said person . Brianne , you could have put our operation in serious jeopardy and you know Martin is soft when it comes to a pleading women . " " Guilty , I did beg Martin to let me come to the airport , but if you think I had any ulterior motives , you can ease your mind . I 'm sorry about the limo thing , but the regular driver wasn 't available . I wasn 't thinking and I guess I just wanted to see you too . " " You knew exactly what you were doing . You wanted Martin to be impressed with you and you wanted to show him that you could handle more responsibility . " " Maybe I did want that a little . " Brianne sighed . " You are my friend and I love you very much , Brianne . God knows why sometimes , but so help me if you don 't start sticking to some of the rules you are going to make serious mistakes and you 'll end up paying dearly because of it . You got me ? " Nadia raised an eyebrow . " Sure , I completely understand . " Brianne nodded . " And that goes for Martin too . " Nadia shook her finger at the bright - eyed red head . " Would you excuse us , Brianne ? " He sauntered into the room and placed the rest of the bags by the bed . " Sure , I 'll be in the kitchen if you need me . " She turned and walked out of the room . She sighed and a barely audible , ' Rules ' , was muttered from Brianne . Brianne waved a comical arm as she disappeared around a corner . Martin took Nadia in his arms . The aroma of her perfume mixed with the salty air of the coast gave off a most alluring scent . He had forgotten what this was like just to hold her close to him , to savor the fact that she was safe once again . But , for how long ? He wondered . He had brought her into this ' business ' because he loved her too much to let her go . He always thought that they would marry someday , but it had never been the right time for them . Thinking back on his days as a child back in Havana , Cuba , he remembered how strong a marriage his father and mother had had and he didn 't want any less for him or for Nadia . Martin and his parents came to America by boat when he was nine years old . His mother wanted him to be an American citizen . If it hadn 't been for his Uncle Paolo , his family would have died in the streets of Havana , gunned down like animals . Martin remembered when his father was jobless and their family was close to starving , the Cuban gorillas offered him a job as a collector , but he refused and the militia took control of his house and threw the family out on the streets . ' No Police ! ' , his father had said . The militia controlled most of the force and they would surely be killed if they spoke out . They were lucky that they were thrown out on the street instead of shot in their beds . Martin had a Cuban accent , but could charm up others whenever he needed . Most people could not guess his nationality and he loved that . He could pass for Italian , Colombian , Hawaiian , and even some European nationalities if he threw the right accent and language the persons way . Her arms tightened around his neck , " You 're glad to see me ? " She teased . " Well , let me show you . " Martin lifted her off the ground a bit and kissed her softly on the lips . " Martin , " She sighed , pulling back from him . " I 've missed you . " Nadia rubbed his massive arms and gave him a light slap on his bicep . " Now , that is just not possible , my love . " She smiled up at him . " Instead of Brianne cooking , how does dinner at Fagio 's sound ? " He asked . " Sounds wonderful . Give me a while to shower and change . " " I wish I could join you . " He grinned . She giggled . Just as he was about to lean down and kiss her again a voice came from the doorway . " Oh , uh , sorry . " Brianne cleared her throat . " Martin , something just came over your fax for you , it looks important . " " Damn it all ! " He yelled , " It had better be ! " Nadia sighed and collapsed in defeat on the plush bed . " Sorry , if I interrupted , Nadia . " " It 's okay , Brianne . I apologize for being a bitch a minute ago . I 've just been away for so long . " " Hey , what 's a day without a little bitching . " Brianne gave her a quick smile and sauntered down the hallway . " I just hope I can keep it together . " Nadia whispered under her breath . Groggily , she opened her eyes and realized that she had drifted off . Looking at the clock on the bedside table , Nadia found that it was six fifteen . She had been asleep for an hour and felt more energized than she had been earlier . She decided to unpack and then join Martin down in his study . After she showered she opted for a form fitting dress . The fire engine shade of red was perfect , showing off her bronze glow . As she was pulling back her wavy tresses , Martin came to the doorway in a rush . He gave her a quick once over and smiled with approval . " Why did you let me sleep ? " She teased . " You needed it . " " How do I look ? " She asked . " Marvelous as always . Honey , look , that fax I received earlier was from one of our informants stating that Devahn DeMarco is going to be in disguise tonight at Senator Sheehan 's estate and seeing that the good senator is a family friend of Brianne 's , we have a perfect in without having to disguise ourselves . How do you feel about that ? " He asked cautiously . " How do I feel about confronting Devahn ? The same man who wants to kill me for getting to those diamonds first ? " She hesitated a moment and then shrugged , " I guess now is as good a time as any to make myself known . " She sighed and shook her head . " I wonder what he is up to ? " " Hopefully , my darling , that is what we are about to find out . " He looked at her with concern . Throwing a sheer red scarf around her neck , Nadia walked out of the house and stepped up to Martin who was waiting for her by the limo . She noticed that Brianne was standing near the front of the car talking to someone , but she couldn 't tell who it was . " Whose driving ? " She asked . Brianne couldn 't be disguised as a driver since she would be attending the party . When Brianne noticed that Nadia was ready , she finished her conversation and went around to the opposite side of the car and got in . " Ian will be driving . He 's a new associate . " Martin motioned towards a tall , handsome man with dark hair and ruddy complexion . He reminded her of a young Gabriel Byrne . Nadia held out her hand . " Nice to meet you . " He said in a thick Irish accent while taking her hand to kiss it . " Likewise . " She smiled Martin opened the door for her and she slipped in next to Brianne . Brianne turned and smiled as she noticed a tall , older gentleman with a broad build . Senator William Sheehan walked towards her and came to stand by her side . His salt and pepper hair gleaming from the chandelier lights . She looked back towards Nadia and Martin . Nadia was in the center of the room talking with night club owner , Santana Sangramano . Martin was heading upstairs to the gallery room . Nadia knew that Santana was up on the latest gossip , but she wasn 't about to let her in on too much . Santana came from one of the biggest crime families in North America . The Sangramano 's were one of the most feared , untouchable , and respected of families in the country and were based all over , from New York to Miami , Dallas , and Las Vegas . Nadia smiled to herself . She really loved that family , but she was already in enough trouble without having to involve them . But , if she needed them , she knew that they would be there . She had seen Brianne head toward the verandah with Sen . Sheehan , but had no idea where Martin was . She hadn 't spotted Devahn DeMarco yet , but she would be ready when she found him . She slid her hand down to her side to make sure her pistol was still in her handbag . It was . Martin walked into the gallery room admiring several paintings by new young artists . One painting astounded him . It was a beach scene , a picture of a young woman dressed in a flowing sundress , the color of a mid - evening blue sky . Her hair was tied up in a scarf the same brilliant color as the dress . She had a hand to the side of her face , as if in disbelief as she looked down at her side . At her feet and all around her were children with flowers and beads , holding them up to her as if they were offerings to a goddess . The woman had a soft smile on her face and did not seem to mind the wind and water spray around her from the ocean , nor the sand between her toes . She just marveled at the native children . Martin turned around to see a young man dressed in black , not much taller than himself . His dark eyes were intense and piercing . His hair was short in the back and long on top . He couldn 't place his face , but Martin could have sworn that he had seen him before . " Well , getting back to the matter at hand . What do you think of her ? " Jorma walked over to straighten the picture . " I painted her . " " Ah , I see . I like it . " Martin nodded . " Anyway , so … uh … Jorma . What made you decide to paint the picture ? The one that looks like my friend . " " I think your painting might be of my companion after all . " Martin moved closer to Jorma and looked him in the eyes . " Who sent you Jorma ? Why are you here ? Is this some sort of a diversion ? " " Sent me ? What are you talking about , Bro ? I came here to drum up new business for my art gallery . I can 't help it if a person I painted resembles a friend of yours . " " Come with me . " He took her arm and led her up to the gallery room . He stopped her in front of the beach picture . " Look . " " This is Jorma Levitson , he painted that picture . " Martin gestured to Jorma then to the picture . " Your picture . Jorma , this is my companion , Nadia . " The artist put a hand to his forehead . " Oh , here we go again . Look sister , no one sent me . I am an artist , I paint things . I happened to be there when I saw you and all those wonderful kids . So , I just painted it . Am … am I on some sort of camera show ? It 's a camera show , right ? " " So do I . " She slipped her arm through his , then turned back to Jorma . " Hey , no … no , you 're not on some show . This is all just some sort of coincidence and misunderstanding . It was nice to meet you , Jorma , and it really is a very nice picture . Thank you . " " What the hell is wrong with you , man ? We ask you a simple question and you shove us off like that ? You didn 't even ask her for her permission . " " Look , I didn 't mean to be rude , but that 's some of my best work . It would take a lot for me to part with it . " He reached into his jacket pocket , pulled out a business card and handed it to Nadia . " I can paint a portrait of you if you want . Just let me know , okay ? She had been recruited by Martin a few years earlier . He had seen her perform at the Stardust in Las Vegas and an idea came to him . When he met her backstage , he found out that she was not just a beautiful performer , but was highly intelligent . She was wise and street smart and could hold conversation with the best of men . Ebony had dropped out of university in order to care for her younger siblings . She had wanted to be scientist or doctor , but as the years accumulated that dream had slipped away along with her youth . The job Martin gave her would let her be both scientist and doctor in a different form . He knew Devahn would fall for her , so he hired her to be a go between . A very dangerous , but well paid position . She jumped at it . Now , she couldn 't get away from the excitement or danger . She loved and hated it . " Let 's split up . I 'll tell Brianne where we 're going , " He gave Nadia 's arm a squeeze and whispered to her . " Be careful … " Then , Martin , turned and walked away . She headed toward the stairs and ascended to the gallery . She stopped briefly in front of her picture and smirked . She remembered that day , walking along the beach in St . Thomas . She had been playing with the children all day . That evening as she was heading toward her hotel , the children had each given her some token of thanks , for being so kind . Jorma must have been there . Even though some of the children in the drawing didn 't looked much like any of the children she had played with that day , her face was perfectly vivid . Clearly recognizable . Martin had told Brianne what was going down . She insisted on helping , but he told her to stay were she was , so she could keep an eye on the charity recipients . One just might be a cleverly disguised Devahn . Knowing that Nadia had headed upstairs , he decided to start with the bottom corridors and work his way up . Nadia peeked into one of the bedrooms and found that it was Senator Sheehan 's . After seeing that there was a flicker of light underneath an adjoining room door , she stepped in quietly and closed the door behind her . She noticed that the flicker of light had stopped when she had shut the door . Pulling the derringer from her evening bag , she readied it and approached the connecting door . As she switched on the light , she noticed that the room was Senator Sheehan 's adjoining upstairs study . Everything looked in place . His desk , a deep mahogany , was arranged very neatly . Even the stacks of newly opened letters were set aside in neat piles . On a corner of the desk a picture sat away from everything else in a regal position . It was a picture of Neil Sheehan , the senator 's playboy son . His pride and joy and his only offspring . Nadia had met Neil briefly , when he and Brianne ran in the same circles . For the first time she had noticed that he was wearing an Air Force uniform . He reached into a pocket of his jacket and produced a switch blade . He held it up to her throat and gently let it glide down to the center of her chest . " You 've already ruined tonight for me . It was perfect , I just go up and accept the charity fund check as Colonel Robert Pernefsky of the United States Air Force . I do so love to help those starving Cambodians , don 't you ? " He smiled as he slid the blade underneath her shoulder strap . Nadia became furious . She wasn 't about to let , Devahn DeMarco , have violent thrills with her . She started fighting like a wildcat , not caring where the blade was . Still clawing at Devahn , she heard a thud , then a clinking noise . She assumed the switch blade fell to the floor . With all the strength she could muster , Nadia dislodged her left leg out from under him and gave a thrust with everything she had , kicking him square in his manhood . She felt the pressure of his body ease away from her . As she looked into his face she saw the anger and pain he was feeling . He rose a little , just enough to where Nadia could push him off of her . She jumped to her feet , reached across the desk and found the sleek , silvery opener . He was right behind her now , trying to pin her against the desk . Devahn yelled and reeled away from the desk . Grasping his hand , he pulled the opener out of his flesh . She ran for the door , but his longer strides caught up with her . He grabbed her by her hair and threw her back down . He was atop of her again with his right arm raised , the blade tightly clenched in his fist . " What am I doing ? I was about to ask you the same question ! " Jorma reached behind him and took hold of Nadia 's hand to make sure she was okay . Devahn lunged towards Jorma with the blade out . Jorma kicked it out of his hand and jabbed him across the face again . Devahn came back with a punch of his own that sent the lanky artist flying into a wall . Devahn wrapped his hands around Jorma 's neck and began to squeeze , to which Jorma Levitson did in turn , taking hold of Devahn DeMarco 's neck . Which sent them into a frenzied tussle for power . " This has to be the ugliest thing that I have ever seen . You call this art ? At least it 's good for something , right ? " She waved the small piece of art at him and then let it drop on top of Devahn 's midsection . " Yeah , I think so . But I have got to work out more . I nearly bought it . " She winced at her aching shoulder . Peeking under the blazer , she noticed that she was bleeding from the small cut . " I 'm okay , really . " " No , no , no , no , Martin . Look at me , calm down . It was Devahn . He caught me off guard and jumped me . He would have killed me if it wasn 't for Jorma here . He saved my life , and fought with him . Devahn was ready to kill him , Martin . " She looked back in Jorma 's direction . Jorma spoke up , " Look , I don 't know what is going on . I just knew that she was in trouble and it wasn 't right . I 'd do the same again . What 's going on ? Did you guys disagree on some kind of business deal ? " " Nadia looked up at Martin and whispered . " He couldn 't know what Devahn is involved in . He saved my life , Martin . That couldn 't be faked . " " Okay , okay , " He looked up at Jorma still somewhat suspicious of him . " I 'll give you the benefit of the doubt . Thank you for your help . " Nadia walked over to the private study . " Yeah , we have to stash him somewhere until he wakes . We can 't leave him here . Senator Sheehan will think the rest of the his guests are in danger . " " Shit , I guess they 'll both turn up in time , " Martin scowled . " Let 's clean this place up and return to the party . We don 't want the senator to find blood all over his study . " It had been a week since the gala and no one had seen any sign of trouble from Devahn , but everyone was on their guard . Martin , said it was time to get back to business as usual . The business of making money and occasionally helping the needy . He was on the phone talking to the police commissioner of Queenston , Roy Houston . It was important to look as clean as possible on paper . Martin would find out who had jumped bail or was wanted by the feds and other agencies , how much he or she was worth . Then if he felt that the reward was worth the risk , they would go on the chase and turn the offender over to the highest bidder . " Yes , Roy . I understand . , " Martin smiled as Nadia and Brianne entered the room . " Sure , give us a week or two , all right ? Thanks . " Martin returned the receiver to its cradle . " Just another job . I 'm not sure if we all will be going this time . We will require a group for this job though . " He said as he stroked her hair . She couldn 't wait to get out of Florida . Ebony and Nadia generally got all of the interesting work . Brianne was still pretty new to the business . He stood up , lit a cigar and continued . " Those who go will have separate rooms , except for Ebony and Ian , who will be there as honeymooners . Nadia will be there as a school teacher from Dallas and I will be the lonely , nerdy business man . " " Hey , I 've got a wig , glasses , and a suit that Steve Martin wouldn 't touch . Believe me , I 'll fit the part . Okay , here 's the main info , this guy has been spotted in Las Vegas , we will be there for two or three days . Our target is named , Manuel Vega . He 's on the Ten Most Wanted List for bank robbery and murdering a family in the witness protection program . The family was very close to a political figure . There is a one million dollar reward for his capture . In the past he was known for gambling in the back rooms , so we have to draw him out without getting too many casino owners involved . I think that we can pull this all together in less than two weeks . " Brianne was a little upset . " I want to go , Martin . I am sick and tired of waiting here while everyone else gets to go to exciting places ! I work just as hard as anybody and I deserve a chance to prove that I can do something other than get my picture taken ! " Nadia tried to rest Brianne 's temper , " This man is quite dangerous , Brianne . Yes , you do work just as hard as the rest of us , but you have a hot head and that could be trouble . We need someone to be here . We need your backup expertise for this job . " " Bri ! " He gave her a fierce look . " Quiet , I decide who , when , and where . Go and do your hair or something . Maybe you can help on the next job . When they were alone , Martin walked over to Nadia , who was still staring out the window . He put his arms around her and gave her a tiny squeeze . For such a harsh businessman , it was hard to believe that Martin could be so sweet and compassionate at certain times . " About everything , " She sighed . " Martin , don 't you get tired of this business ? I … I 'm not sure if like the danger anymore . " " Hey … you know you love the danger . We have the best contacts and head people in our corner . We take the utmost precautions and are armed to the teeth . " " Look , you 've been away for a while . It 's going to take some getting use to , to get back into the swing of things . And besides , you 're still recovering from Devahn 's attack . You and I both know that he will regret that soon enough . " He hugged her close to him . " I promise . " " It 's not just that , Martin . " She walked over to a sculpture of a child sitting on his mothers lap . " I 've been thinking about where I 'm going and what I 'll do when I get old . Who 'll take care of me , if I even get to be old ? " " Ah , so that 's it . Children , family , marriage and the whole works again . I told you , someday we 'll do that . It 's just not the right time for it , that 's all , " Martin took her hand and led her back to the davenport , they sat . " So , tell me , what brought all this on ? " " I guess you 're right , It 's a bit of everything . Devahn 's attack on me , the islands , and being away from you for so long . The children too , I imagine . " Her voice trailed off into a whisper . " It 's that God damned painting , isn 't it ? " His voice filled with disdain for the artist . His first instinct was to not trust , Jorma Levitson , but Nadia seemed to like him . Even though Jorma knew Devahn , Nadia 's instincts were usually on the mark . " I know , I know , " Martin threw up his hands in protest at more comments . " But you need excitement , not a carpool and two point five kids . That just isn 't you and you know it . " " We 'll talk more after the next job . Maybe you 'll feel a little different then . " Martin pushed a wavy strand of hair from her forehead . He was about to say more when Brianne came flouncing into the room . " You 've got a phone call , Nadia . Some guy . I asked who it was , but he just told me that you wanted him to call about the painting ? Does that make any sense to you ? " Brianne raised her brows in question . " I 'm about to take off for a while , if that 's all right ? Your caller is on line four . " She started to put on her coat . " I 've got to have a talk with her . I think she 's starting to like Ian too much . I don 't want my best marksman shooting off target if we get into a bind . " " That 's quite all right . It was worth it . " Jorma 's deep voice answered back . " This is Jorma Levitson . The artist that painted you . " " No buts , just be here at 6 : 30 p . m . sharp , okay ? Look , I 've got to go . Be there . " " So , what 's going on ? That beatnik wouldn 't sell me that picture for anything and now he 's giving it to you ? " Martin sneered . " What ! " Martin exclaimed a little too loudly . " No , absolutely not . We shouldn 't even be trusting this guy and you want to go meet with him ? We have dinner plans anyway . " " Don 't be jealous , sweetie . I 'll be careful . You can even have one of the guys tail me if you want . " She gave him another soft lingering kiss . The Art Look was in Queenston 's theater district . A maze of antique shops , theaters , outdoor cafe 's , and galleries . Many local artists wanted their work displayed there . It was an old converted warehouse with a second story . The décor was all hardwood floors and cornflower blue beams and columns , with florescent tubes and bulbs attached to various beams along the ceiling , columns and walls . It was inviting and surreal at the same time . No , Jorma isn 't the devious type . It couldn 't be a trap . He did , however , know Devahn and she could never let herself forget that . More relaxed now , she pulled off her long sheer overcoat and tossed it onto a nearby chair . She checked herself in a mirror near the bathroom entrances . With her hair pulled back in a loose bun at the nape of her neck she looked a little older than her twenty - nine years . Her long black dress accentuating " Sorry to keep you waiting , Ms . Carridge . I had to make a phone call , " Jorma Levitson appeared in a doorway on the opposite side of the gallery . " Please , join me , if you would . There 's coffee in the back if you 'd like . " " I 'll pass on the coffee , thank you , and please call me Nadia . " She looked him over closely . God , she thought , he 's gorgeous . Jorma carried himself in a similar way as Martin . There was a cunning , assuredness illuminated from his eyes , his walk was like an easy glide , not a sign of awkwardness any where in sight . His form of dress , a white tee shirt and belted black slacks , showed he could have fun one moment and be serious the next . " Oh , no … I , uh , I don 't own this place . I have a very generous benefactor . " He motioned for her to have a seat on the couch . " Please . " " Just simple errands , that 's all , " He quickly changed the subject . " So , what do you do , besides tangle with dangerous businessmen at charity events ? And don 't tell me it was all a big misunderstanding . The way you and DeMarco were fighting was so unreal . I 've never seen him like that . What 's this all about ? " " Misunderstanding , " She shook her head . " I wish it were that simple . No , it wasn 't a misunderstanding . Your friend and I have been at each others throats for years now . That 's why I 'm so surprised that we don 't know each other , Jorma . I thought I knew everything about Devahn and his business . " " Well , you should know that big business and big money are hard to give up . The competition can get dangerous , but the adrenaline rush is so great that you just can 't give it up . It becomes a way of life . " " It 's not really a secret anyway . So , I 'll trust you for now . " Nadia folded her arms and tried to distract herself from his wandering eyes . " I had just turned twenty one and graduated from college . My parents were foreign dignitaries , so we traveled a lot . Anyway , my mother and I were traveling around to the private schools where I had interviews for teaching jobs . Well , in the middle of our trip a message came that said my father had been taken hostage on a business trip to Morocco . " She turned away . " Oh , it was , and it got worse . My mother and I flew over to Rabat , the capitol , to find out how we could free him . No one could , or would , help us . " " Oh , I feel so stupid ! Look at me . I 'm getting frazzled just talking about it . " She gave a faint smile . " No , it 's fine . Anyway , my mother and I went through the streets and back alleyways with a translator until we found a teenage boy that worked for the kidnappers indirectly . Thank goodness he spoke some English . He pulled us aside and confessed that he knew where my father was . He told us that we couldn 't talk to the terrorists , that they don 't listen to reason . The boy said that we would have to break him out and since we were women and didn 't know the area we would need help . We were about to call the embassy , but the boy said no . He said that we needed outside help . We didn 't know anyone there , so he said that he would help us . He felt bad for us and we for him . Most of the young men there were being forced to join the terrorist army . They paid well for runners , people who knew the area well . So , my mother asked him what we should do to get my father out . " " Well , " She gently pulled her hand away . " Haji , was the boys name , he told us about foreigners who came in from the sea once a week to sell goods . They might be able to help us , because they were strong and looked like soldiers to him . We would have to meet the leader in a tavern the next day . Haji , would bring him there . So , the next day we met them there and I … " " Momma said , ' Anything to get , Montero back . ' " Nadia took a sip of the warm , brown liquid then continued , " The compound , where my father was being held , was on the coast of the Atlantic Ocean just a couple of miles southwest of Rabat . We took jeeps up to a safe point … " " Yes , as did Momma , I told her not to , but she wouldn 't listen , " She chuckled . " I think that 's where I get my stubbornness . Martin was furious and said that it was impossible , but I then reminded him of the money that we were doling out and he grudgingly gave in . Anyway , as I was saying , we took the jeeps up to a safe point and then hiked the rest of the way . Martin 's men were kept on the outside of us for protection . Some of them were ex - cons , but most of them were ex - soldiers and they would go into Rabat to sell weapons and other profitable goods . So , they had all the experience we needed to help my father . We were spread out enough so the lookouts wouldn 't notice an extra rustle or two of bushes . Kenji , our frontman , would take care of the guards as we came up on them … " " No … no … Kenji was the type to just shoot . No questions asked . We were terrified , but knew that it was very necessary . The guards would not think twice about killing any of us , so we did what was required . We finally made it to an underground cellar that lead into the basement of the compound , " Not in the least . Haji was a servant boy and he was often sent to do stand in jobs . Well , when the guards left , Haji , simply took the keys and let him out . Mom and I were so overjoyed to see him we couldn 't stop hugging him and saying I love you over and over . We all took off , back towards the tunnels and then to the jeeps . Mom wouldn 't let my father go , not for an instant . It was strange watching my parents run through the woods . Mama dressed in camouflage fatigues and Father in his torn up business suit . It was very traumatic . On our way through the woods a soldier came back from his rounds sooner than we expected and we were spotted . They fired on us and took chase . Haji was shot in the process . " " Miraculously , no . Martin picked the boy up and carried him , running full speed back to the jeeps . Martin , Haji and I were in the first jeep . I wanted to ride with Mama and Father , but Martin said that they were too far behind and would have to ride in one of the other jeeps . As I looked back I saw more soldiers emerging from the woods and then I saw an explosion . Someone had thrown a grenade and had taken out one of the jeeps . " " Yes . I screamed , cried out for them . I almost jumped out of the jeep I was in , but Martin held my wrists down as the jeep came to a halt . He screamed at me to be quiet . He told me that we were safe and that was all that mattered at that point . We couldn 't do anything to save them , but Haji was in the back seat and we had to save him . I was so hysterical that he had to slap me , then he just held me close and let me cry . I calmed down after a while and tended to Haji , putting pressure on his back wound as his men drove us to the closest hospital . I figured that I had to be brave for this boy , he was so scared . Martin said that that impressed him the most about me . " " Yes , I was devastated . My parents used to explain to me that we would be in strange countries off and on and things were might get scary from time to time . Some situations would be hard to deal with , but they never mentioned anything like kidnapping . Now … where was I ? Oh , yes , we had dropped Haji at the hospital . I hated leaving him there , but we had to get to the ship and leave as soon as possible . The gorillas could have been following us , so we had to be quick . " " We thought so too . " She smiled , " The grenade hit a tree close to the jeep and it crashed into some bushes . Kenji told my parents to jump just in time . When they met us back at the boat hey were a little bruised and banged up , but other than that they were fine . " " So , that means Martin got his fee after all . " Jorma sat up and waited for her response . Nadia smiled with a far - off look , then shook her head slowly . " Yes , yes I did . I knew I trusted him the moment he put his arms around me . He thought of me rather than his own safety . I knew I had to be with him for the rest of my life . " " Oh , Yes . I almost forgot what with your exciting tales of Rabat . " He stood and walked over to the desk and pulled some papers out of the drawer . " Nadia , that 's not the only one . There are a few more and I 'd like permission to paint more . " He sat back down . " Say , yes . " " It says here that he would be able to paint you in the nude . No , no , there is no damn way . I won 't have it . " " The food is fine , Angelo . It 's my woman here who is twisted ! Some guy wants to see her naked ! " Martin ground his teeth in anger . " No ! " Nadia whispered , " That won 't be necessary , Poppy . He 's just an artist . I 'm sure anything he does will be done with the utmost taste . " " All right , but just you remember , cara . You are like my own . If you both need my family … . " He shook a stout finger at them . And … . I 'm not disputing it . I had just exited a highway onto a long stretch of road and there was a construction zone right after there . I was trying to slow down , but it was too late .

Me Verse Lupus : The doctor thinks he 's God : " It 's is my kind of weather out there . I layed in bed under the covers this morning just enjoying the cool air . It rained all day yesterday . . . " It 's is my kind of weather out there . I layed in bed under the covers this morning just enjoying the cool air . It rained all day yesterday another of my favorite forecast , only I was out in that wet stuff . I had that doctors appointment with a new doctor . I took Access - A - Ride to the office , I was early so I went to the grocery store and picked up some celery , some bread , a pound of turkey breast and a pound of American cheese . I walk what was about a block to the doctors ' office . There were steps , two flights . I considered changing my mind about this doctor . I sucked it up , lifted my oxygen and made it up the stairs . My chest was tight , I got dizzy and I started sweating . I went to this doctor 3 years ago to get clearance for my hysterectomy , he 's a cardiologist . I told him I wanted him to be my primary doctor and he asked about my previous doctor . I told him I had a lot of health issues now and I didn 't think the previous doctor could handle me . I didn 't say is so bluntly but he got the gist . I think that turned him off . You see the previous doctor ignored my symptoms . In fact that doctor told me I was narcissistic . I did consider going back to him when I got this insurance , but thought about my health . I liked that doctor , he was easy to talk to . But I don 't think he would be best for me now . Besides he only has evening office hours and he 's very crowed . So I gave this cardiologist an update on my health . I told him about the Pulmonary Hypertension and he says he 's sure I have it and told me it 's a progressive disease . He listened to my lungs , heart and said he will have me come back and do an echo . He said I should do a full heart cauterization . Then he said he 'll find a pulmonary doctor , I told him I have an appoint with one on Monday . He looked annoyed . I wanted to talk to him about my headaches , the numbness in my mouth and the dizziness . And that I don 't sleep . He kind of dismissed me , I did not feel comfortable with him . When I told him I needed medication he seemed shocked , again annoyed , so I told him I only needed my blood pressure medication . I 've been taking meds for over 2 years , I can 't go with out them . It wasn 't like I was asking for Oxycontin or some narcotic . He didn 't schedule me for another appointment until the middle of November , was I suppose to go with out meds until then ? I 'm going to reduced my steroids myself to 10mg , that should hold me until I see the Rhuematalogist . I 'll take one potassium a day and one acylovire hopefully I 'll be fine . I see a new pulmonary doctor on Monday , I 'll get him to refer me to a primary doctor that 's a cardiologist . This way the two of them can work together . I know this may sound racist but I 'm just going to state a fact . Very few black folks know how to handle business . They start a company , open an office but fail to develop the skills to be customer friendly . It is the customer that makes the business . You can spend billions on marketing , yet , the best advertising is when a customer recommends your business and the most negative is when a customer is not satisfied . I am very much unsatisfied with that doctor I meet yesterday . He didn 't smile , reassure me or try to make me comfortable with him . It appeared that he has a God complex . Like I should be thankful he 's giving me the crumbs of his time . I 'm not a fighter , remember . I don 't want to go back to him but I don 't know what to do . Should I asked the pulmonary doctor Monday for a recommendation ? Should I just go back to him and see how it works out ? It 's times like this that I wish I had someone to advocate for me . This is one of those instances that I feel alone . But I vowed no more crying , whining or self pitting . It 'll work out God is with me and will carry me through . Me Verse Lupus : No more whinning , no more crying , the nest round i . . . : " I knew this was going to happen . It 's 1 : 30am and I am wide awake even though I took 1mg of Lorazapam . Going to the doctors always does this . . . " I knew this was going to happen . It 's 1 : 30am and I am wide awake even though I took 1mg of Lorazapam . Going to the doctors always does this to me , especially when I 'm seeing a new doctor . He 's a cardiologist , he 's going to take one look at my fat ass and think I have no will power . He will be right . I went out today , guess where , to Walgreen 's and got a big bag of Kit Kat 's , peanut butter cups , snickers , spice drops , my favorite Hersey white chocolate melt away bliss and a bag of chips . What the Fuck ? ! It 's the steroids , it 's the loneliness , it 's not smoking and needing something to do . The list can go on . But the bottom line is I need to develop will power . I need to buy fruit , not really a fruit eater , but I can do frozen grapes , blueberries , pineapples and I do like pears . I planed to get cottage cheese and eat that with the fruit . I tried carrots and celery once . Path mark even sells them ready to eat . But I don 't have that many teeth left and it 's too much work chewing . I don 't have anything else but the sweets , I don 't go anywhere , my phone doesn 't ring . No sex . Hell the highlight of my week was watching Greys ' Anatomy . I told myself today that I wasn 't going to cry no more . I was going to get over the bullshit and start living . After all this blog is Me Verse Lupus , thus far I would say lupus is wining . But I 'm heading into the ninth round with renewed strengthen and coming out of my corner with hay makers , I 'm going to kick some lupus ass . I 'm going to work on my novel and write a poem . I 've been scribbling , I 'm going to scribble a finished product . It 's a new day and I 'm going to find the me , Lupus kidnapped and hid in plain sight . The crying and pitty party aint getting me no where . First I 'm going to go back to bed and lay down . I need to get up and take care of my face . Lupus means wolf , because of the malar rash some people get around their nose and cheeks . For me it 's the hair that grows on my face from the steroids . I like to Nair it away before I see doctors . I may be 2 tons of fun , but at least I 'm groomed . Me Verse Lupus : A new day to speak of . : " Woke up feeling pretty good today . It 's raining , my kind of day . I 'm developing a heavy cough with phlegm , throat is itchy . I don 't know . . . " Woke up feeling pretty good today . It 's raining , my kind of day . I 'm developing a heavy cough with phlegm , throat is itchy . I don 't know if I 'm getting sick or if something is irritating me . It is allergy season , and I stopped taking the Claritin and Nasonex . I really don 't want to take any more drugs unless I absolutely need to . I 'm sure some of the other luppies reading this , if there are still any , can understand this . I take four pills before breakfast , seven pills with breakfast including three vitamins . It would be more except because of my potassium level I can 't take the water pills and the doctor took me off the plaquline for safty measures . In the afternoon I take two more high blood pressure pills and before bed I take five more pills that 's a total of 21 pills to keep me alive . Not feeling well , alive . Oh did I forget to mention I suck in breathing medications twice a day , spriva once in the morning and advair once in the morning and once at night . I wouldn 't mind a pill to help me sleep at night though and maybe one that will make me feel like me again . Tomorrow I go to my new doctor . I still didn 't get the bill for to purchase my medical records . They would of been a big help . At least I have the CD of my lungs and the letter from the doctor at Columbia describing his findings . The one positive is that I saw this doctor before and he did a echo of my heart and he has the machines in his office . I 'm a bit anxious and I 'm sure the anxiety will keep me up tonight . I 've been telling the story of my life with Mr . 23 years . I was trying to remember the physical pains . When I was a teenager , I remember going to the beach and I layed out in the sun getting tanned . That evening my skin was swollen and I had these little pimples all over . I figured it was from the sand slapping my skin and a sever case of prickly heat . When I got diagnoised with lupus I was looking at the rashes and I found that rash . Rashes were never a big thing for me . I had them my whole life . I did notice over the years that they usually appeared after sun exposure . One of the reasons I alway suspected Lupus , I knew about the sun sensitivity because my mother always wore sunscreen and hats and wouldn 't go outside during the day . My hands would swell up and hurt but I played handball for years and just assumed the swelling was arthritis . I always told the doctors that I had arthritis and they took me at my word . I was never tested , didn 't know they did a test for arthritis . I learned now the biggest mistake is to tell a doctor what you have before they tell you . I was doing his job for him . We moved in with a friend of Mr . 23 . He was in an accident some years before I met him and he got the money from the law suite . He go about ten thousand dollars . He had plans to open a store . Always quick money was on his mind . He cashed the check and they gave him thousand dollar bills and five hundred dollar bills . They are out of circulation now . He showed off the money . He brought himself a new wardrobe and gave me two hundred dollars to buy material for me to make me and the kids clothes with the sewing machine he brought me . I didn 't know how to sew . He brought drugs and kept everyone that came around high . His friend was disgusted and told us to leave . His money was short and we found the piece of shit apartment in Jersey City . It was there that I got pregnate with my youngest child . It was our first real home . He started staying out at night and for days . I use to get a welfare check on the first of the month everyone in the town did and there was only one check cashing place . He would take the rent money . No I would give it to him , after he beged for it . He use to say he was going to take the money and flip it , double it . It never happened but I trusted him month after month . When I gave birth he had a party and didn 't come to visit me in the hospital . It was then that my feelings started changing for him . My health started changing too . I would get headaches , swelling hands and tired . I guess that was the stress but it still wasn 't enough to alarm me . It wasn 't until I moved back home with three kids that my symptoms started to really surface . Me Verse Lupus : More of the past to tell . : " Another day in hell . I am a 50 year old sick unhappy individual . I 'm not complaining just stating . I need a good night sleep . I need to l . . . " Another day in hell . I am a 50 year old sick unhappy individual . I 'm not complaining just stating . I need a good night sleep . I need to let calgon take me away but I can 't fit in the tub . I need to get out this house and breath some freedom , but I don 't have the energy or money to do so . I have no where to go . I 'm not going to do anything as I repeatedly stated , I want to see how the story ends . But why ? I know there 's something better out there for me , but right now I can 't see it . I can 't understand why I want to live when living is so hard . It would be so easy to just end it all . I live with someone who reminds you daily , all day that you are a guest that this is not your home , chair , TV . I should count my blessings she tells me all the time . Why ? Because she lets me live here , gives me a roof over my head and food in my belly . I 'm thankful I got so sick that I can 't work anymore and have someplace to live . Jail ! I am always on edge because I don 't know what to say , if what I say will cause a negative reaction . I don 't know if I should sit or stand , scratch my ass of just hide under the covers . This is from someone who claims to love me . But she doesn 't know what love is , she doesn 't give into anyone . It 's here way or no way . It 's her world and be thankful she let you in it . She is so negative that she causes pain to those she claims she care about . You see for her it 's hurt before she hurts . So some little mousy bitch like me just hurts and hurts because I can 't fight back . Tequila will help . When I go to the doctor on Friday I 'm going to get me a bottle and get drunk . Okay let me try and get out of the mood before I go upstairs to face my keeper and expose my weakness . Yesterday I told how I met Mr . 23 years . About a week later after talking one the phone night and day . He took me to where he lived , in a hotel . We layed on the bed kissing and feeling on each other when he jumped up and said get undressed . He was skinny , like JJ on Good Times . He had long arms , long legs and under those black silk draws a long dick . I stood in my matching bra and panties , we stood looking at each other for a moment when he said to me , " I 'm going to have fun , to turn off the lights . " We did everything and more to each other . This was the beginning of a lustful relationship . The next night we spent together was when my daughters ' father came and took my daughter for the weekend . My son was so hurt that he didn 't take him too . But that 's the man he was and is . Mr . 23 years took me and my son out for the day . My baby boy had so much fun running around the city . Hiding between the buildings and seeing all the sights of Manhattan . That night we spent the night in his hotel and slept for the first time together . I wanted to be with him so bad I moved myself and children into the hotels with him . I was stupid , why would I do something like that . Just to be with a man . Check out time was at 11 am . We would get dressed the kids and I would go to Bryant park and they would play . He would come get us around 3pm and check us back in the hotel . We would go to the movies , then eat turkey sandwiches . After a while the clerk would let us stay in the room until Mr . 23 made the money for another night stay . He started teaching me the lessons and I was impressed . I study hard wanting to please him . His friends would come around , they were thugs , but pussy cats to me . His brother had an earth and wife . Both women knew each other and the children knew each other . Mr . 23 always talked about this . But for a least 10 years of our relationship I was all the woman he needed and he was all the man I needed . Now during the day since we didn 't have to check out the kids and I would walk to Central Park . We would go to the zoo , it was free back then . We walked around , the kids played in the playgrounds , I sat watching them smoking my reefer and studying my lessons . We would have lunch on the hill above the zoo , it was quiet and not too many people knew about the spot . When we finished we would feed the pigeons . The would gather all around us , hundreds of them , I mean they would eat right out of our hands . Once the monkeys ' go loose in the zoo , that was a day we didn 't go . Central Park was my park . I loved it and wish I could go walk around it today . But my lungs , ain 't happening . Later we would go back to the hotel . Where pimps , prostitutes , drug dealers , hustlers and transvestites lived . They were characters . Koch was mayor , he hadn 't yet started putting families in hotels yet , so we were a rare sight . The pimps use to tell my man he had a goldmine and should put me on the stroll . One night he came home and told me to get dressed that I was going to work . I started getting dress , tears rolling down my face . I couldn 't believe he would do this to me . All I could think about was how was I going to get my children and get away from him . After a while he said he was just playing . That he didn 't want no one else to have me . There was this young working girl , her pimp use to rent the room next door to us . He use to beat this girl , he use to slam her against the walls , broke the mirrors and sometimes the windows . We were on the 10th floor and I knew that one night she was going to go out the window . She would have black eyes , broken arms . I couldn 't understand why she stayed . My man said she had no where else to go . She ended up getting a new pimp . There was the transvestite that lived at the other end of the hall . She was short and dark skin . She use to walk up and down the hall cussing in Spanish . Back then they use to give out samples on the street , cigarettes , candy , L . Ron Hubbard 's books . Well one day this transvestite knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted some sanitary napkins she got on the street . She said she was finished with her period . Another character was Sue and her man Slick . She was stereotypical trailer trash . Blond , blue eyes drug addict and Slicks bottom bitch , if he had any other woman . Slick was stereotypical pimp . The wide hat colorful clothes , platform shoes and a black country boy . He didn 't talk to me , but talk to Mr . 23 about his " bitches " all the time . Sue had a daughter that was being taken care of by her sister . She wanted to be my girlfriend . She use to come and sit with me and the kids during the day watching the soap operas . I would cook on hot plates and we talked about food . I would put her hair in rollers and help her get ready to go out and work . There was a pimp that had a real stable of about 6 girls , one had a son . Named Pimp , Pimp was about 4 . When his mother got busted Sue was to taking care of him . At night they use to ask me to take care of Pimp . I stopped when he was playing with my kids and told my son , that his sister was the hoe and told her to go and make his money . Then there was Sandy , she was a man , a big man . Puerto Rican , pretty . She use to show me her new clothes , shoes and look out for me . She wouldn 't let anyone in the building fuck with me . My kids knew who the men were , that dressed like women . We told them they were homo 's . Sandy use to prostitute , sometimes her johns use to try to rob her . Boy did they get a surprise when she would kick their ass all up and down the hall then take their money . We had a potty in the room so we wouldn 't go when working hours began until the morning when all the johns were leaving . One night there was a fire . Sandy knocked on the door and told me to get the kids out of there . I put my sons ' coat on and had him wait , I was putting my daughter coat on when Sandy came in and said hurry up and snatch my son up . My son yelled , " The homos ' got me ! ! " Sandy paid no attention , just took him and put him in the elevator and wouldn 't let them move the elevator until me and my daughter got there . By the time the fire department came Sandy and my man put the fire out . Sandy and I stayed cool . She introduced me to her daughter . I was confused , my man explained that his daughter was a guy , that she turned out in jail . Now talking about cute , he / she was gorgeous , you would never know she had a penis . That was the beginning of our life together . We stayed in hotels in NYC for a year and a half then we moved to a motel in Asbury Park , NJ . His bother and earth lived there also . There was a pool and a private bath . In the city the bathrooms were outside the room . Mr . 23s ' brothers ' earth taught me how to buy pork free food and products like soap , toothpaste and such . I was cool , she was cool , the kids and our men were cool . Only thing is Mr . 23 and his brother could only get along for a short time before they were ready to kill each other . From there we moved in to one of his friends ' apartment in the projects . To be continued . Me Verse Lupus : My life the vacum : " I use to have a life . I had friends that use to call . We would make plans to hang out . One friend was always going back and forth to the do . . . " I use to have a life . I had friends that use to call . We would make plans to hang out . One friend was always going back and forth to the doctors . She would call and tell me all the things that were wrong with her . She would tell me about her job , her boyfriends , kids and she never heard anything I said . But I knew she was a friend now , that I 'm sick she doesn 't call and her number has changed . I told her daughter to tell her to call . That was in the beginning of the summer and I still haven 't heard from her . I have an old friend , we call each other at least once a month . I have another friend who calls and keeps in touch with me on FB . She supports me , she 's there for me when I need someone , and she 's making plans to spend time with me in December . She lives in another state . I 'm looking forward to it and hope I don 't be disappointed . I 'm home all the time . I don 't go anywhere , except to the doctor and maybe shopping . I was looking so forward to going out to lunch with my mate and her friend last week . But that didn 't happen and it won 't happen . I feel like a prisoner . I spoke to one of my daughters the other night and she said she had nothing to talk about . No one has time for me . Being sick steals your life and gives you nothing . I try to stay busy , writing this blog , where I seem to do nothing but cry all the time . I crochet , work on my family newsletter , create cards . I want to work on my novel but my concentration is for naught , I want to write a poems , but I don 't have the skills anymore . There 's hardly ever anything good on TV . I can 't sleep . Here I go again , my life 's a vacum , it sucks . I need some positive energy to zap my ass with a current of enthusiasm . Maybe I should take the cymbalta . I smile when I write about the memories of the past . I cried then during the hard times , but today they were the good old days . Will I get past this sad lonely time . Does anyone care ? Should I give a damn if they do or don 't ? Me Verse Lupus : The begining of Mr . 23 years : " I was sitting on the front steps on a May evening , smoking and taking my my braids out in 1981 . He was walking by . He passed a few days ag . . . " I was sitting on the front steps on a June evening , smoking and taking my my braids out in 1981 . He was walking by . He passed a few days ago and told me he hadn 't seen me in a long time . He told me I put on weight but carried it well . This time he told me I was too pretty to be outside with my hair undone . I asked him where did I know him from and he said from right there . He took my questioning him as an invitation to join me . He said he 's watched me for years , bidding his time . I was impressed that he claimed to be attracted to me for years . I was going to a party that night and asked if he wanted to come . I went to get dressed and put the my babies to bed . I went to sit outside to enjoy the cool June evening . He came by again and sat with me . Smoking my Virgina Slims and selling me his dreams . He said he sold Chopper , Sergio Valenti , and other designer jeans . He was cool , caring a flat zipper bag , and wearing a Kangoo hat cocked to the side and bright white Adidas . He took me out on Brooklyn / Queens day , originally he said he would be taking me to Flushing Meadow Park . Instead he took me to see a Cheech and Chong movie on 42nd St . He had a new item he was selling , it was called a Sony Walkman . Once you put the headphones on you couldn 't hear anything but the music in your head . The music was clear and surround sound . In order for him to talk to me he pressed a button for the mic and I heard his voice in my head . We walked to Brick Town where he showed me off to all the old gangsters , then caught a cab into the city . I was impressed . Once we got into Manhattan he brought 2 tall cans of Budweiser 's , that he put in his pants and a bag of reefer . We went into the theater , drank beer and smoked a joint . Back then you could smoke in the movies and we smoked everything , cigarettes and refeer . When the movie was over he pressed the mic on the headphones and told me he lived up the block , but he took me to the train station and then home where he kissed me quickly and left . The next day he called and asked me if I had aPosted by Me Verse Lupus : Quantum Just sharing a poem today : " QUANTUM Sunrise buried in dusk , Prior to the waking night . Presently standing , on the threshold of the past , Facing the future . No going back , . . . " I had a pretty good night sleep last night got up at 6am , I went to bed about 8 : 30 pm . I got a few times for the bathroom but went right back to sleep . I cheated I took 1 . 5mg of lorazapam . Doctors don 't want me to take it because of something it does to my lungs , but I need sleep . This lack of sleep is messing with my usual cheerful self . Making me negative , it 's raining out side but there 's sunshine in my soul . God has blessed me with another day and allowed me to rise out the bed . He gave me the talent to write and the time to do so . I want to get back into going with the flow . I 've never been spoiled so why do I think I should be now . I 'm thankful for what life has for me today , has giving me in the past and for all the days I pray will follow . I lived my life , made my choices and this is the day I have . I had fun even though I write mostly about the sadness . I guess that 's because that 's what I remember . I met my oldest daughter father when I was living upstate . We met on the street I think , up in Oneonta there weren 't that many black people on the streets back in the late 70s ' , so we tended to greet each other even if we didn 't know each other . We went to the bar which was like a disco , they had a smoke and bubble machine . We danced to the music of Prince , Sylvester , Chic and the Gap band . We smoked refeer and drank all the liquor we could before 11 pm when the open bar closed , after the drinks cost a $ 1 I think . It was a college town everyone was parting . When the place was closing I asked him if he had Donna Sumers ' new song , Last Dance and he said he did . I got to his apartment where he had creates full of albums , but no Donna Summers , he came and kissed me and asked me if that 's what I wanted , Uh yea , but I did want to hear Donna sing the last dance . He didn 't have the album , we did ended up having some good sex . I had him open , he would lie and say I didn 't . He was always afraid to express his feelings . He was another selfish person in my life . All about him , more so today then ever . Yes I had my son and he treated him like his own . We played house . I would cook , clean and have dinner waiting when he came in . I mean I baked cookies , cakes and even bread . We entertained the college students . We always had gallons of liquor and reefer . We would have peole over and play cards all night parting . We read Penthouse and would act out the fantasies we read . He had an interview in Albany . We went to the top of the states building steps and had sex behind one of those huge pillars . The building was closed , but you never knew who may have been looking . I remember us trying to hurry up because people were coming up the steps . I took the bike to go on a beer run . These kids outside the store asked me to buy beer for them . I did and the shop keeper came out and held me until the police came . I got arrested and when he came he told me good for me . The judge gave me a $ 200 fine or 2 weeks in jail . 200 DOLLARS ! my rent was $ 150 a month and we were barely making that . I had good friends back then , we all pulled that money together . We moved into this apartment that was half a house . There was this lady that rode around the neighborhood on a bike , we called her the doll lady . She dressed like Raggedy Ann and wore her make up with round red checks and lipstick that made a smile . She wore her hair in two pony tails and a bonnet on top . She was our neighbor . She was nice , so were her parents . $ 200 a month for 2 bedrooms , living room , kitchen , breakfast nook , open front porch and a enclosed back porch and the basement . Nice apartment . The bathtub faced a window that opened to the sky , I use to love to lay in the tub and watch the sky , it was the east window so I didn 't get to see the sunrise which would of made it perfect . I didn 't have time for morning baths . We use to go for walks in the woods searching for deers . A skunk once let his smell off on the side of the house . Bats use to fly over head , raccoons use to come to the back porch to look for food . There was a Dodge dealer across the street from us . Sometimes we would get in the cars and look at them . The keys were under the mats . If were were thieves we would of made plenty of money . Living up there was nice , peaceful . But of course for me it wasn 't enough . When I went into labor with our daughter he got me to the hospital but didn 't seem too interested . It was too early , you see we were packing to move and I lifted a box , which probably induced the labor . The doctor wanted to slow the labor and he gave me an intervenous of pure Vodka . I was drunk in seconds . The nurses smiled and said the doctor sometimes turns his patients upside down to slow the labor . Some years later I read that , that doctor was sued for malpractice . No one ever believes me when I tell this story . The father he sat at the foot of the bed and just looked between my legs , where I was propped up on a bed pan cause my daughter was laying on my bladder and pushing all the water out of me . When it was time to deliver he just sat there , he didn 't hold my hand , comfort me or nothing . My feelings changing for him . I don 't remember what happen but we moved back to New York in my mothers house . We were arguing all the time . He didn 't want to hear anything I had to say so we broke up . He came and got his dauhgter a few time but after a while that was it . He din 't see her again until 8 years ago when she was 22 . He 's now living with ere and helping her with the kids . he 's still the same person he was when I first met him . Me Verse Lupus : Bless with Gods ' comfort . : " Good morning , Good morning ! ! Nothing changed just my attitude and outlook on life today . I still didn 't get a good night sleep . In fact I . . . " Good morning , Good morning ! ! Nothing changed just my attitude and outlook on life today . I still didn 't get a good night sleep . In fact I was up until 3 am working on my family newsletter . It 's 9 : 30 am now . I love my scattered family so much and wish we could come together for a week or a least a weekend . I pray for this . A small part of our family did get together . My sister has a son in Alaska and they had a baby in June . The most beautiful baby ever . They have been posting photos all the time and my sister was always wishing she could hold him so bad . Video calling wasn 't satisfying the desire . My sister had a son that died of cancer 15 years ago . The family planned a graveside memorial yesterday . My nephew and his new baby arrived from Alaska ! I couldn 't be there they live 3 hours away and I can 't sit on Greyhound that long . But looking at the pictures seeing the joy in my sisters ' face overwhelmed me . Face book is avenue to keep family and friends in touch . It 's wonderful for someone who can 't get around like they use to . Even though I 'm still smarting from the era I made , I won 't close my account . I am happy to have announce in our family news letter , a new birth and a reunion of grandma and grandson . You see it doesn 't take much to pull me out of a funk . I finally got my check , but not the bill for my medical records . I see the cardiologist this Friday , first doctor with the insurance . I want him to be my primary doctor . He 's about 3 to 4 miles close . I hope to have my medical records before then . My son called me yesterday to find out if I spoke to my daughter about making time for him to come and pick up his coat . My daughter doesn 't answer her phone or returns my calls . I didn 't hear from either of my girls this weekend . It 's not unusual . I should have a nice quiet day , my mates ' mother is cooking mac and cheese , an oven stuffer and string beans . I just hope there will be good movies on . Thanks to those who sent words of support yesterday when I was in the dumps . I don 't have an headache , the pain in my chest is dull . My shoulder is okay , so are my knees but the feet . Well I guess they should hurt caring all this weight on them . My temperature was 98 , that 's high . It 's usually between 96 & 97 . I don 't know if it 's the thermometer or what . I like the old fashion kind with mercury . My pressure was 147 / 80 , I 'm going to take it all week so I give the information to my new doctor . My state of being today is all thanks to God he picked me up and cradled me in his arms and comforted me and filled my mind with peace and my heart with love . All praises are do and I thank God for blessing me , today and always even when I feel alone . I know His Grace covers me . Amen . We live in a world full of certifiable , psychotic and derange crazies who are all on the verge of madness . Everyone is insane except me . I am sharing my rational , balanced and lucid knowledge in an attempt to save the world of total confinement in insanity . But this is just my 2Cents and it 's not worth a penny . I got on the scale today and I 've lost a total of 12 pounds ! I 'm very happy 6 more and I will be under 300 pounds . I 'm feeling . . . It was a little rough this weekend . I was feeling down again . I 'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me s . . . Okay the people are all gone and the frig is full of food . Starch , mac & cheese , rice & peas , candie yams , stuffing , ham . Two pies , . . .

Note : I posted this letter in memory of my Dad , to pay tribute to his life . It does fit the theme of this blog , in that Daddy always credited two strong and loving women , his mother and my mother , for his success . Marina Marian , my oldest sister . The one who worries about everyone . I rushed to her , " How is Mattie ? What 's going on ? Did you leave her by herself ? " Warren ran away several times , farther each time , until , the last I heard , he was " moving to Montana . " He 's my cousin and we grew up together , both of us plump , but while I was dark , Warren was a towhead , with a perpetual sunburn . We spent hot summer days at his house , in that new subdivision of neat brick homes and fenced yards north of town , riding our bikes to Dodie 's Little Store for ice cream sandwiches and popsicles ( I even had a blue bike there , from Uncle Earl and Nanny Gee ) ; watching The Twilight Zone on television ( Mama would not let me watch it at home ) ; or reading Archie , Casper and Superman comic books from Warren 's collection . Sometimes we would sneak coffee with lots of evaporated milk . Other days we spent at my wooden frame house , downtown . This was in the mid - 60s , before the Interstate cut through our South Louisiana town , when there still was a downtown . When Warren visited me , we took turns riding my green bike ; or sometimes Mama brought us to a movie downtown ( the ones you could get in free with RC Cola bottle caps ) ; or set up the slip ' n slide in the back yard so we could cool off . Once we spent an entire afternoon writing a poem about hating school and how we were never going back . Another time we decided to go on a diet , which consisted of writing down everything we ate for a week . That was a long list ! Nanny Gee 's house was also where we spent the night when my youngest baby brother was born . All 6 of us , and one a baby . She spread sheets and blankets over the sofa and air mattresses , so we could all sleep in the living room together . It always smelled faintly of smoke in there . When Nanny Gee woke us the next morning to tell us we had a new baby brother , I was so excited I ran to Warren 's room and jumped on his bed to wake him . Nanny Gee was sometimes a little stricter than Mama , but that time she let me jump . She knew how happy I was about the baby . We had pancakes with Log Cabin syrup for breakfast , to celebrate . By the time Warren moved out to the Montana , he was already a grown man , with a family , so it wasn 't really running away , and I hadn 't seen him in years anyway . ( I don 't keep up attachments well , and worry that 's a character flaw . ) But the way Warren moved felt like he ran away . One day he lived with his family about 45 miles away , in Robert , Louisiana , and then his sister told my sister he was moving his wife and children to Montana . Even his sister was surprised . He probably had a normal reason for moving . Warren was a warehouse manager at a Wal - Mart distribution center . He was probably just transferred . Warren was good - natured and kind , like Uncle Earl and Nanny Gee , who was Mama 's sister . Mama and her siblings got along , all five of them , from Uncle Joe , the oldest , to Mama , the baby . Harsh words were never spoken among them , and when Maw - Maw Gert and Paw - Paw died , they all agree to give the old family home outside White Castle , Louisiana , to Uncle Joe , since he was the oldest and had been living there anyway . Daddy 's family was another story . They were always mad at one another about something , except my confused , quiet grandmother . Daddy 's sister , my Aunt Mattie , almost ran over him with her big yellow Cordoba in the stadium parking lot after my college graduation . I could barely see Daddy 's brown suit through the mob of curious black - robed graduates watching the chase , but I never saw Daddy run so fast . Even when he was angry and trying to catch one of us . Mattie didn 't like many people , but she loved me and was gentle with me . If she didn 't like you , best stay out of her way . She hated to be called " Miss Mattie " or " Aunt Mattie . " " Just Mattie is fine , " she would growl , loudly if she had to tell you twice . I used to spend time with her when Mama went to the hospital when her back went out and the doctor put her in traction . Mattie was fun . She was always a large woman and wore loose - fitting knit pantsuits , with big pockets for her cigarettes , keys and money . I don 't think she owned a purse . She carried a small shiny pistol in a Kleenex box under the front seat of her Cordoba . Mattie didn 't worry all the time about gaining weight , like Mama did . She and I would go to What - A - Burger or Morrison 's Cafeteria and eat whatever we wanted , even desserts and Cokes to drink . She also had a real slot machine . When Mattie and I played , she let me keep all the quarters I won . When I was older Mattie told me how Daddy was grandma 's oldest , her " golden child , " destined to be a priest , and he could do no wrong in Grandma 's eyes . Grandma never made Daddy do chores , and he would tease Mattie about having to wash dishes , hang clothes , or feed the chickens . Daddy also called Mattie names like " Mattie Fattie . " He probably deserved a good chasing with a car . I don 't think she really intended to hit him with that big old Cordoba , or she would have done so . At least she didn 't wave her pistol at him . Not that time , anyway . Mama , Nanny Gee , and their brothers were all kind , generous , and gentle , so unlike most of Daddy 's family . Daddy 's father , Awful Old Grandpa , as I called him , was so mean he simply refused to die . I wished him dead every time Mama made me visit him in the hospital , for the nine days he lingered . ( By the time he died , the room smelled as bad as Awful Old Grandpa himself - like nasty cigar smoke , dirty clothes and gum disease . ) I was almost 18 , but generally still did what Mama and others expected of me , a childhood habit I finally broke years later . " This is the end of his life , " Mama whispered to me outside his hospital room . " He 's dying and needs his family close by . " Why ? I wondered . So he can pay us ten cents for working all day picking pecans ; or swat at us with his walking stick ( which was a big tree limb , since he was too cheap to buy a real cane ) ; or let his dog jump on me because I was afraid . I 'm always afraid I inherited some of Awful Old Grandpa 's bad - tempered meanness , and it 's waiting to show itself . My brothers all manage their tempers . Daddy is much better than Grandpa was , but still had enough of a temper that I would quickly run outside to play when I heard the edge in his voice . Mama was a strong influence on Daddy and my brothers . She was kind and gentle , but could be firm when she needed to be . After Grandpa finally died , all his money disappeared . It was , of course , Grandma 's money ( she was already gone ) . Grandma was from a wealthy , genteel and educated family . ( Grandpa 's family was none of those things . ) No one would admit to knowing anything about the lost money , but I always suspected Awful Old Grandpa gave it to the priests at his church , so someone would pray for his miserable soul . The loss of my imaginary inheritance bothered me for a few weeks ( I thought I deserved something for all those years Grandpa let his dog jump on me ) . But then I thought about what Nanny Gee told me when they gave Maw - Maw Gert 's old house to Uncle Joe . " None of us need a house and Joe needs a place to live . " I realized I didn 't need Awful Old Grandpa 's money , and , since I didn 't even like him , why should I want anything from him . After that , I didn 't care about the money anymore . As I got older , I realized that Grandpa really did have a rough childhood , as Mama always said . No matter how often I remind myself I look and act like Mama 's people , I still fear the possibility of meanness inside me . Once when I was about 8 years old I was staying at Nanny Gee 's . Mama was in the hospital with her back in traction , and had given me a white paper straw , a Magic Straw she told me , and said I could see her face when I used it . She knew how much I missed her when she was in the hospital . Warren and I were at the kitchen table , drinking 7 - Up from his Superman glasses , trying to see who could finish last . He kept asking to use my straw . " Come on , let me use it . I could drink slower with a straw . " I told him to wait and he could have it as soon as I was finished , for our second race . I drank very slowly , " As soon as I am through , " I promised , and looked down at the red ketchup stain on his white tee shirt , from our earlier snack of potato chips and ketchup . Nanny Gee must have been listening and brought Warren a straw she had made by taping a piece of white paper into a small tube . " Here , you use this one , son . That one is Marina 's . Her Mama gave it to her . " That made me think about Mama . Warren looked briefly at Nanny Gee 's homemade paper straw and put it down on the table . He looked at me again and smiled as I slurped in the last of my 7 - Up . I still don 't know why , but I looked at his eager face and that ketchup stain , and I tore up that Magic Straw and threw the pieces on the floor . Poor Warren was so surprised , he jumped up , crumpled up the straw Nanny Gee made , and threw it on the floor too . The look on his face made me so ashamed . He looked sad and disappointed and about to cry . I wished he would look mad at me . But he just looked hurt . Then he ran to his bedroom and slammed the door . I felt terrible , and was afraid Nanny Gee would scold me , or , even worse , call Daddy to take me home . She should have . But she only picked up the torn paper from the floor and said , " Your Mama will be home soon . I know she will . " Then she left to see about Warren , and I went out to the back yard . The Tiger Drive - in faced the back of the house . It wasn 't close , but the screen was so big , we often watched movies out there , trying to imagine what the actors were saying . It was fun with Warren , but that night I was alone and missed my Mama and was sorry I had been mean and made Warren cry . Besides being my cousin , he was my best friend . I sat in the warm , damp grass , not caring about the " red ants " that were out there , waiting to find me and bite my plump little legs . After a while , the back door slammed and Warren appeared with two glasses of grape juice . " Why are you sitting on the ground ? You know the red ants are going to bite you . Let 's sit on the swings and watch the movie . I think that Beatles ' movie is about to come on . Here , you hold these . I 'm going back inside for the cupcakes . They 're chocolate and Mom said we can each have two . She just iced them . " I was glad Warren wasn 't mad . He looked happy again , but I didn 't know what to say . So I told him , " Bring your transistor radio . Maybe they 'll play Leader of the Pack and we can sing . I 'll even let you sing my favorite part . " Warren giggled as he ran inside , and , just like that , we were good again . He really was special , like Nanny Gee and Uncle Earl . No , Warren had nothing to run away from . But I do . Not that it 's possible to escape who you are , or might be . There have been times in my life when I did the right thing , even when it was hard . Perhaps I am at least a little like Mama , Nanny Gee , and Maw - Maw Gert . When Nathan and I had been married for a few years , I lost a baby . I was about 5 months pregnant and had seen sonograms of him , and heard his little heart beat . Then I lost him and kind of fell apart , for months , but it felt much longer . Nathan didn 't know what to do , so he left . Mama , Mattie and Nanny Gee took care of me , and tried to distract me and make me eat . Nanny Gee took me with her one day to Maw - Maw 's old house . She was going to clean for Uncle Joe and told me she wanted some company . Poor Mama probably needed a break from me . Nanny Gee stopped at Winnie 's Drive - In , just outside of Plaquemine , for some ice cream . It felt like being a kid again , when we would all ride to Maw - Maw 's together in Mama 's station wagon . Warren and I would sing " Warren 's a mess , Marina 's a mess , " as we drove over the noisy bridge into Plaquemine . I even felt happy enough to help Nanny Gee clean for Uncle Joe . Everything was fine until it was time to leave . I had volunteered to clean the windows ( even the window - fan window , where I used to watch for Maw - Maw 's neighbor and his cute grandson . The one Maw - Maw did not want me talking to . ) After the grimy window - cleaning job , my hands needed washing . I used the sink in the steamy kitchen ( Maw - Maw 's kitchen always seemed to be hot ) and the orange dish detergent Nanny Gee had brought for cleaning . The hot water faucet squeaked as it always had , but the water and soap felt good on my hands . I washed my hands once and dried them on a clean dishtowel . Then I looked at them and washed them again . I did this several times , until the dishtowel was wet and I noticed Nanny Gee at the kitchen door , watching me . I don 't know why I kept washing my hands . Some would say it was to keep me from thinking about the baby I 'd lost , or that I was losing my husband . But all I knew was that I had to keep washing until I knew they were clean . ( Months later I finally got over being so sad that I washed and washed my hands . But it was a hard thing to do . ) Nanny Gee saw me notice her , smoothed the front of her striped knit blouse , and made herself smile . All she said was , " I 'll just go pack up the car while you get your things together . Come on out when you 're ready . " Nanny Gee was good about knowing and doing what you needed her to do , without talking about it . Which was good that day . If she had hugged me or asked me what was wrong , I would have cried . Something I didn 't allow myself to do . Had she tried to stop me , I would have needed to wash my hands even longer . Nanny Gee did just the right thing for me . Reggie was my high - school sweetheart , and I thought about him often during my hand - washing days . Thought about him and made myself not call him . I heard he had finally found someone , after his bad first marriage , and was about to get married . I knew if I called Reggie , we might get together again , all those years after high school . I needed someone like Reggie , who had once at a party done a silly little dance to Those Were the Days , to make me smile . He always said he only wanted to make me happy . I thought if I could see Reggie again , he might call me " Bug Eyes , " as he used to , for the curious colors of my eyes , and make all my sadness be gone . Reggie would have come for me , I know it . He had called me before I married Nathan , to tell me I was making a mistake . Perhaps I should have held on tighter in high school , when Reggie called me his Princess at Spring Formal , in my shiny blue prom dress , with a silver ribbon in my hair . But in my hand - washing days , it was too late for us . It would have been selfish to call him because I needed him . Reggie deserved to be happy . I had hurt him before and would do so again . So , as much as I wanted to , I never called . That would have been mean . Besides , Nathan did come back , as I always thought he would . So I suppose , as they say , things worked out for the best . I still wonder sometimes about Reggie . Nanny Gee is gone now , and I never thought to tell her how much I loved her and appreciated everything she did for me . She wasn 't one for talking about feelings . I couldn 't even be there with Nanny Gee when she died , in the cardiac care unit . They knew she was dying but would not let me in until visiting hours , and then it was too late . This was a Catholic hospital , and I 've come to realize the Catholic Church does what it wants to , because it can . When I get to Heaven , I 'm going to look for Mama and Nanny Gee and have coffee with them . I hope they are young again , like in the picture on the mantle at Maw - Maw Gert 's house . They looked like movie stars from the 1940s , smiling and pretty , dark hair in waves around their faces . Mama was olive - skinned and wearing a bright yellow dress . Nanny Gee was lighter - skinned , but with dark red lipstick , and a pale green dress . Maybe she will have a spice drop cake for me . Nanny Gee made the best cakes . Mama smelling her older brothers ' lunch boxes when she was a plump little girl is one of my favorite stories . I think about that sometimes to make myself smile , after a tiring day , when I have mostly moved " to do " items to the next day 's list and not finished much of anything . Mama was amazingly productive . She helped all of us with our homework , kept a clean house full of happy baking smells , fed sick neighbors , worked part - time as a nurse , sewed and embroidered , played the piano , always looked pretty and smelled of Channel No . 5 , and was never too busy to listen . She probably slept very little . I thought about Mama again last night , when I was trying to fall asleep . But this time she wasn 't sewing my pale - blue prom dress . ( It was shiny and sleeveless , and Reggie said I looked like a princess when I wore it . ) This time was different . My sisters and I often talk about our own favorite " Mama stories . " My baby sister ( she 's in her 50s now , so I should probably stop calling her that ) loves the stories of Mama growing up in the 1930s and 40s , just outside the small town of White Castle , Louisiana , along the Mississippi River levee . She reminds us how Mama , as a teenager , ran home after school , grabbed a cold sweet potato and some crackers for a snack , and then hurried to the levee to watch for planes flying over . This was during WW2 , and Mama always believed in supporting her country . My oldest sister , Marian , who insisted on getting her driver 's license as soon as she turned 15 , was always amused that Mama got to drive when she was only 13 years old . Mama had explained in her matter - of - fact voice how it happened , " All the boys ( her older brothers ) were away fighting the War and your Maw - Maw Gert couldn 't drive . Somebody needed to drive . I just did what I had to do . " That was Mama 's life . She did what needed to be done , and without a lot of talking about it . I like to think about Mama as a child , sliding down the levee on a sled made of boards nailed together and waxed by her brothers . Or Mama throwing a book at Uncle Lewis after he teased and picked at her until she " just couldn 't stand it anymore . " ( Maw - Maw Gert , of course , punished only Mama , not having heard the teasing . Mama was the first one at the train station to pick up Uncle Lewis when he got back from the War , wounded and shell - shocked , as they called it then . She always said he was never the same after the War . ) I also like to imagine Mama in high school , running to catch the school bus in such a hurry she forgot to powder her face and had to use flour patted from a huge flour sack in the old store by the bus stop . But , almost better than the old stories ( when we were children we would beg her , " tell us about the old days , Mama . " ) , are my memories of how she raised her family , and was always there for us . She taught us to focus on what we could do and not what we didn 't have . " Life is simple . Just always do your best , " she would say . Mama could not swim and was afraid of the water , having almost drowned once as a child . So she make all of us learn to swim when we were very young . She encouraged us to do well in school , not by scolding , but by making homework an adventure for us . " See how many of your spelling words you can write in ten minutes , and then see if you can finish even more in the next seven minutes . Then we 'll play dancing pencils for five minutes . " When I was moving 600 miles away to work on my Ph . D . , Mama could tell I was nervous about leaving . She told me , " You know , when I left White Castle to go to nursing school in New Orleans , it might as well have been 600 miles . I couldn 't go home to visit and didn 't have many visitors either . For the first few weeks I was so homesick I thought I was going to die . " " Did you think about quitting and going home ? " I asked . She looked surprised , " No . Why would I do that ? There was nothing for me there . My plan was to finish nursing school , and then join the Army . The Army paid for me to go to nursing school . I wanted to take care of all our boys wounded in the War . Besides , I made friends and it got easier . You 'll do fine . " I never told her that I knew about the life she would have had in White Castle . Maw - Maw Gert , who had asked Mama many times to quit nursing school and come home , told me about a young man there who loved Mama . His father owned a drug store , and he wanted to marry Mama and start a family with her , there in White Castle . But Mama must have known that was not the life she was supposed to lead . Even after Mama married Daddy and moved away , Maw - Maw still complained about her working as a nurse . But Mama was a good daughter . When I was young , we visited Maw - Maw almost every Sunday , eating a meatloaf or fried chicken dinner promptly at noon , and then cleaning dishes in the crowded kitchen before gathering in the " sitting room " for a while . Mama would play Mother Beloved and other of Maw - Maw 's favorite songs on the piano . Most days , Daddy , Paw - Paw , and Uncle Joe watched television , and we girls would sit on the always - clean linoleum floor and play cards or Chinese checkers , or cut out paper dolls from an old Sears catalog . Sometimes Paw - Paw took us outside and helped us catch " devil horses . " My brothers were babies then , and I was always sad they didn 't have the chance to know Maw - Maw and Paw - Paw before they were sickly and feeble . Daddy always wanted to visit his parents , across the Mississippi River , near Carville , after we left Maw - Maw Gert 's . Sometimes Mama would say we needed to get home , but usually we wound up crossing the river on the ferry boat to my other grandparents ' house , which looked like a scaled - down plantation house . It was a little run down , but still nicer ( on the outside ) than Maw - Maw 's house in White Castle . The inside of Daddy 's childhood home smelled of cigar smoke , and not meatloaf or chocolate cake . Dust and dog hair were everywhere on the hardwood floors , and there was a mean mutt and my even meaner grandfather who used to let it jump on me ( when Mama wasn 't around ) to teach me not to be afraid of dogs . It never bit me but I 'm still frightened of them . How do you reason with a dog ? Mama always made sure we didn 't stay long . I am something of a workaholic and often eat lunch at my desk at the library . A few weeks ago I was under deadline pressure to finish some statistical reports , and trying to eat and work at the same time . I ate my ham sandwich right from the plastic bag , so no crumbs ( my door was closed and no one could see my bad manners ! ) . There is a peculiar , but pleasant , smell that sandwiches have when closed up for a few hours . My sisters and I always call it the " lunch box smell , " from Mama 's stories of exploring her older brothers ' lunch boxes when they got home from school . After I ate my ham sandwich , sniffing at the empty bag reminded me of all the lunches Mama had made for her children , all through grade school and high school , and even after . My first two years of college I lived at home . She made me a lunch every day to take with me . I tried to tell her I didn 't need her to do that , but she only said , " You need to eat a good lunch to keep going . If you have it with you , you only have to worry about your studies . Here , take it . I made a ham salad sandwich for you , and I put in some plums and those bakery brownies you like . Have a good day at school . " Then she hugged me . That was Mama . She always wanted , and expected , us to succeed . I 'm sure she was the only person who read my entire dissertation on the job satisfaction of reference librarians . She even asked me questions about it . ( Everything from Mama 's kitchen was delicious . I don 't remember one failed meal , and even her sandwiches were perfect , with everything we liked but nothing we didn 't , like crusts . I once asked her what magic ingredient made all her food so special . She had only smiled . I suspect it was love . ) Thinking about Mama last night was different . I was a little girl again , sitting in the bathroom stall at school , but with all my clothes on , worried about how long it would be before Mama came home from the hospital after her back surgery . I escaped to the bathroom often , just to sit there . It was an almost - perfect place to hide away from my classmates , who sometimes teased me because I was shy and cried easily . Especially Andrea , with her new shoes , big face and tight pigtails . She even followed me to the bathroom at times , to look over the top of the stall and say , " Why are you sitting there with your panties on ? Your uniform is going to fall in and get wet . " During the Cuban Missile Crisis , we had to bring non - perishable foods and other items from home , in case we had to go to a fallout shelter . Mama packed ours in some of her pretty pillowcases , embroidered with roses and spring flowers . Andrea said , " You 're not supposed to use pillow cases . You 're supposed to use plastic bags . " For once I ignored her , proud of Mama 's pretty sewing . Years later I asked Mama why she used her special embroidered pillowcases for our fallout shelter supplies . She said , " Well , if the worst had happened , and we were separated , I wanted my girls to have something of mine to hold onto . " The Cuban Missile Crisis happened when I was in second grade , but my biggest fear wasn 't the war itself . I knew nothing about war , but I was deathly afraid of being separated from Mama and my baby brothers , of us being in different fallout shelters and unable to see one another , maybe forever . That was so many years ago , but I can still picture in my mind those yellow triangles on the fallout shelter signs . Every time I saw one , or thought about the Cuban Missile Crisis at school ( the nuns made us pray about it often ) , a hot feeling of dread would hit my stomach and pull me in . It was as if I were shrinking , about to disappear , and no one cared . What if I couldn 't find Mama and my little brothers ? Then I would cry . That was how it felt to be apart from Mama - a burning stomach , and me shrinking and feeling insignificant . After her back surgery , Daddy brought us to visit her at the hospital . She could tell I was upset when it was time for us to leave . Mama looked pretty in a rose - printed , cream colored gown , despite the dark circles under her eyes . She hugged me and I noticed her perfume . She whispered , " Just count the days until I 'm home . Only a few more days . It 's already Thursday night . By the time you get home from school tomorrow , that will be another day . On Saturday , your Aunt Mattie is going to pick you up and bring you here for a visit . I 'll ask her to let you eat lunch in the hospital cafeteria . Then on Sunday I 'll be home , and Daddy is going to pick up your baby brothers from Nanny Gee . We 'll all be together again . Only a few days and they 'll fly by . " That made me feel better . Not as joyful as I felt on regular Saturday nights when it was time to watch Adventures in Paradise on television , and then pick up Mama from her weekend late shift at the hospital . But better , until Daddy pulled me away from her and out the door . On some nights , like last night , I can 't sleep because I feel all my years in the pain in my back . Or someone I love is hurting and I can 't help . Or I 'm sad about the unkind things I 've done in my life , and the pain and sorrow in the world flashes through my mind , over and over . I don 't have Mama 's strong faith in the Church , or her belief that everything that happens is part of God 's plan . I 'm once again that young girl , sitting in the bathroom stall with her panties still on , or being pulled from a hospital room . A lonely child who misses her Mama and feels like she 's shrinking . I know if I could see her again , I would feel better . I picture Mama sitting in that rocking chair , reading her prayer book . Her pretty , black wavy hair now shaded with gray . She looks up and smiles , " How are you ? Are you hungry ? I have some chili in the freezer from last week . And I made cornbread this morning . " I wrote this poem when my sister , Marian 's , mother - in - law died . We all called her Mama K . She was an amazing woman who farmed strawberries and raised her children , alone , in a small town outside of Hammond , Louisiana . Mama K had a heart that was easily made glad . What a blessing that is , to be always grateful , for even the simple things , like a slice of lemon cake . She used to tell me , " You look prettier than the last time I saw you , " and she was always glad to see me , even in a hard part of my life when few people were . Mama K is one of the souls I hope to see when I cross over to the Afterlife . She will welcome me to Heaven with her sweet , delighted smile , and a piece of lemon cake in her left hand . Her right hand , of course , will be reaching out to help me get in . I miss her still , and not only at Christmas . . . Marina I don 't usually think of myself as strong , but after my husband died ( and I still can 't believe it 's been over 20 years ) I had to be . Nathan wasn 't just my love ; his love made me feel special and safe . For a time after he died , there seemed to be no reason to breathe , or do anything . He was gone , and I would never again hear him sing " When I 'm Sixty - four . " That was his favorite Beatles song and he sang it to me each year on his birthday . After a week of staying in bed all day , I knew I had to start getting up each morning , to eat , and to work . I needed to care for my family , and Nathan 's family , and that is what I did , every day , until I felt alive again . I still miss Nathan , and , although I 'm not nearly ready to die myself , I have this image of how he will look when it 's my time to cross into Heaven . His thinning auburn hair that the chemo robbed him of will be back , even thicker and longer . He 'll be wearing an old Grateful Dead tee shirt , looking for me and maybe singing " When I 'm Sixty - four . " And when I get there , he 'll tell me , as he did so many times in the past , " you 're the only girl I know who 's as pretty as she is smart . " It was the summer I turned 15 ; the summer Reggie asked me to go steady ( even though I wasn 't supposed to " go with " only one boy ) ; the summer I made my oldest sister , Marian , burn the fudge at Maw - Maw Gert 's ; and the summer I met Julian , the grandson of Maw - Maw 's neighbor , Old Man Turner . I always thought that was a strange name , but that was what he called himself . I answered Maw - Maw 's old black rotary phone that afternoon and heard his voice , " This is Old Man Turner . Would you tell your grandmother I 'm on my way to pick her up for choir practice . Thank you kindly . " Maw - Maw Gert had been the organist at the Catholic Church ( the one down the River Road ) since before Mama was born . Maw - Maw also put flowers on the altar every Sunday before Mass , from the rose bushes and flower beds in her front yard . Marian and I were supposed to be folding and ironing clothes for Maw - Maw Gert , because Mama called every night , and she always asked if we were helping out . Marian finished ironing Maw - Maw 's black - and - white striped Sunday church dress , with the red trim , and said , " I feel like making some fudge . I won 't be long , just stay here and keep folding the clothes . " That was fine with me . The kitchen was steamy , but the bedroom where we were working had a small , noisy window air conditioner to keep it cool . How could Marian stand that kitchen heat frizzing her long brown hair ? I finished folding all the towels and washrags , still stiff from drying in the sun outside , and looked out of the window - fan window . We only used the window fan at night , so it was off , and I could see between the blades , into Old Man Turner 's unpainted wooden garage . There was Julian , wearing a tee shirt with a leaf on it ( Marian later told me it was a marijuana leaf ) and tan shorts , polishing the chrome on his motorcycle . Even though his blonde hair was short , he was still very cute . ( Until then I liked boys with long hair , like Reggie , who had shoulder - length brown hair , was intellectual and looked a lot like John Denver . ) I slipped out the side door , through Maw - Maw 's vegetable garden , and over to the fence , hoping choir practice would last a long time . Maw - Maw had already warned me not to talk to Julian , at least not alone . " That boy is always up to something . He 's not from here , you know . I feel bad for Old Man Turner , the way his daughter sent that Julian here for the summer . Probably to keep him out of trouble . You stay away from him . " Marian must have seen me from the kitchen window . She ran over to me , her loose paisley blouse puffing out behind her , before I even made it to the fence . She loudly reminded me I was supposed to be folding clothes and I should not roll my shorts up so high . I wanted to disappear when Julian looked up from his motorcycle . But he only smiled at me . I knew then I would have to meet him one day , no matter what Maw - Maw said . This happened years ago , back in the late 1960 's , but I can still hear Marian 's , " Look what you made me do ! " when we got back to the kitchen and found her fudge boiling out of the pot and all over Maw - Maw 's clean stove . We couldn 't get that awful smell of burning sugar and cocoa out of the kitchen before Maw - Maw got home from choir practice . We opened all the kitchen windows , having to pull hard on them , since they were stuck . Maw - Maw liked them closed and locked up tight . We managed to let in more than a few flies , but , even with the old box fan trying to blow the bitter smell out into the back vegetable garden , Maw - Maw found us out . We heard Old Man Turner helping her inside the front door . " Girls , " she called to us , more concerned than upset , " Are you all right ? What 's burning ? " She limped more quickly than her leg brace should have allowed and arrived in the kitchen with a worried frown . I was sorry for worrying Maw - Maw Gert , and for wanting to meet Julian so badly , despite her wishes . I loved her , and she was always so happy when we visited her . She bragged about us to her friends , and made us delicious treats , like brownies , three - layer cakes , and crème puffs . Maw - Maw even taught us how to make colorful quilts and elegant doll pillows , using Barbie dolls . She was talented and hard - working and made the quilts all year to donate to the annual Church fair . Maw - Maw was also kind - hearted and made many meals for sick , or hungry , neighbors . Even with all Maw - Maw did for us , sometimes it was just so boring for me at her house , there along the levee past the outskirts of White Castle , Louisiana . There were no movies , no dress shops or record stores , no snowball stands , and no Reggie . There was a dry - goods / grocery store close by , but it closed early . Besides , the meat - counter guy there , who was much to old for Marian , had a crush on her , and he ate pieces of the pale - pink , fat - speckled lunch meat as he sliced it for customers . After the fudge mess and smell were gone , Maw - Maw Gert made us a potato and cheese omelet and biscuits with fig preserves for supper . She always called the evening meal supper . After we ate , she hurried us through washing the dishes , so we wouldn 't be late for The Virginian , Maw - Maw 's favorite television show . Westerns always seemed to have the same plot to me , and I wanted to slip outside , in case Julian was working on his motorcycle again . But Maw - Maw was so taken by Trampas and the Virginian that we had to sit there with her and watch it . At least this gave me a chance to polish my fingernails a bright , pretty pink . ( Besides , Maw - Maw would have known what I was up to . ) She narrated and talked to the characters on the screen all through the show , especially when Trampas was involved . She usually called him Travis . This particular night , Maw - Maw Gert was greatly disturbed that the pretty , blonde - haired young lady visiting the ranch wasn 't interested in Trampas . He took her horse - back riding in the hills and brought her flowers , all to no avail . There was , however , some shady character in town ( not dangerous , a former bank robber or something ) who did attract the young , blonde visitor . The Highwayman ( as Maw - Maw referred to him ) didn 't come calling with flowers , but the young lady met with him late at night , causing much worry to Trampas , the Virginian , and Maw - Maw , who reminded Marian and I , several times , " That 's going to end wrong . Things like that always end badly . " And in the final scene , of course , the pretty girl , after a tearful explanation to Trampas , rode away on the back of the former bank robber 's horse , her long blonde curls bouncing at her tiny waist . Maw - Maw was appalled and complained to Marian and me as she served our nightly bowls of Neapolitan ice cream , " After everything Travis and the Virginian did for that girl , she took up with that Highwayman . " Miss Aline had a sad life . Of course , I never knew about her disappearing boyfriend , and the baby she had to give up , until much later . When I was a child I visited her often , in her unpainted wooden frame house across the street from us . Mama always made us ask before we went anywhere . When I asked to go to Miss Aline 's , Mama would send a bag of apples or some Jack 's vanilla wafers or butter cookies , or a big piece of cornbread with me . She would tell me as I left , " And remember that 's for Miss Aline . You have plenty to eat over here . " ( Mama knew long before I did that Miss Aline sometimes did not have enough money for food . I found out later Mama often brought meals and groceries to Miss Aline . ) I was a plump child and loved to eat , but it was so exciting at Miss Aline 's that I didn 't think about food when I was there . She had a wonderful collection of toys she actually let me play with . They were all old , but in good shape , and , to me , were unique . ( Miss Aline was not like prissy old Great Aunt Josie . All she could say when we visited her was " Don 't play with your cousin 's doll collection . " Or " Be careful of that lamp , I bought it in New York . " Then she would shoo us out to the yard to play . I heard her tell Mama once , when we were supposed to be outside playing , " That 's why you don 't have anything nice . You have too many children . " Mama responded politely , but I knew she was angry , " My children are my Jewels . I don 't need anything else . " We left shortly after that . ) Miss Aline 's toy box was an old wooden crate , painted like the night sky , with the moon and stars . Inside it , she had four gray sock monkeys with clothes to dress them , a wooden soldier on a stick , a china doll with brown hair and a lavender dress , a tiny tea set , a tarnished metal kaleidoscope , and a set of wooden blocks painted with numbers and letters . On top of the toys was an antique metal musical Ferris wheel . We never stayed inside for too long . I was always anxious to get out and see if Miss Aline had any new flowers or plants . Her garden seemed exotic to me , like something from my favorite television show , Adventures in Paradise . As I pulled her through the kitchen to the back yard , she always stopped and looked up at the brightly painted circus plate she had hanging on the wall next to her refrigerator . ( I remember it bothered me that her refrigerator door didn 't close all the way . ) The plate had a lion tamer working in a lion 's cage , with a small child watching the show . Miss Aline would look up at the plate for a minute , then make herself smile and walk me outside . Miss Aline told me once that the circus plate was given to her by someone she loved , and she would leave it to me when she died . " But you can 't die ! " I told her . She had only smiled , " But everyone has to die , Little Sha , it 's the way of nature . And death isn 't the end . It leads us to something happier than life on earth , life in Heaven . " Her back yard had a huge fig tree in the center , several delicious smelling sweet olive trees , two Japanese plum trees , a magnolia tree , two pear trees , many gardenia bushes , orange , yellow and red shrimp plants scattered around , and a rose garden off to the side . Miss Aline had the usual red , pink and white rose bushes , colorful climbing roses growing on two white wicker chairs , and green tea roses , my favorite . We would make a bouquet of whatever flowers were in bloom , for me to take home . Miss Aline 's favorite was her huge spreading azalea bush in the side yard of her house , almost to the front sidewalk . It was beautiful in the spring , after all the pale purple flowers had bloomed , with the pink centers . If you stared at it long enough , it was like looking at the inside of Miss Aline 's kaleidoscope . While the flowers were pretty we would make azalea crowns for both of us to wear , and one for me to take home to put on Mama 's Mary statue . The only bad thing was that their beauty didn 't last . As soon as the hard South Louisiana spring rains came , the whole azalea bush would fade to ugly clumps of withered brown , with a few green leaves . Miss Aline would always say , " They 're pretty for such a short time , Little Sha , then they are gone , like happiness in life . " Then she would smile and remind me , " But the flowers come back every year . " As Miss Aline got older , she grew feeble and seemed to shrink . The faded housedresses she wore swallowed her up , and her long blonde / gray braided hair turned white . She would sometimes stare quietly at nothing . One year after the hard rains had once again wilted the azaleas , Miss Aline stood and looked sadly at the bush . I was afraid she was going to cry . This year , she only said , " They 're pretty for such a short time , Little Sha , then they are gone . " She kept looking at the dead flowers and didn 't add that they come back . So I reminded her , " But they come back every year . " Miss Aline only said , " Even trees have to die sometime . " As I grew up , I stopped visiting Miss Aline so often . I didn 't forget about her , but the summer I turned 14 , I also turned thin . ( Thanks to dieting on green beans and canned tuna for months . ) Boys started calling me and asking me to movies , much to Mama 's dismay . So there was simply not as much time for trips to Miss Aline 's garden . I did stop by every Friday afternoon , to sit on her front porch rocker and tell her about school . On the Friday before Spring Formal , I brought my dress to show her . It was pale blue , shiny brocade , and sleeveless . Miss Aline loved it , " It 's beautiful ! That color will look pretty with your dark hair . " I described my white gloves and the silver ribbons I was going to wear in my hair . " Reggie said I would look like a princess , " I told her . ( Reggie was one of the boys I had been dating . He was gentle and intellectual and looked like John Denver . Reggie was my favorite of all , but Mama didn 't want me seeing only one boy . Sometimes I still think I made a mistake not holding on to him . ) " Just don 't let that Reggie break your hear , Little Sha . You are too special to be hurt . " Miss Aline looked sad so I changed the subject . " I know . We 'll come over tomorrow before the dance so you can see me all dressed up . The azaleas are still so pretty . We can take pictures over here . " Miss Aline tried to smile but still looked sad . Probably thinking about broken hearts . When Reggie picked me up for the dance on Saturday evening , we walked across the street to see Miss Aline . It was still light outside , and she struggled down her porch steps to meet us by the azalea bush . She hugged me . " You look so pretty , " she whispered . Reggie agreed with her , " Yes , she 's like a princess , isn 't she ? " Miss Aline suddenly looked confused , but responded . " Yes and we need to make her a crown . Come , Little Sha , remember how we used to make flower crowns . Let 's make you one now , while the azaleas are still pretty . " She tied the stems of several of the pale purple flowers with a string she took from her pocket . Miss Aline seemed anxious and confused as she tucked the flowers under my silver hair ribbon . " I 'm always afraid they won 't come back , the azaleas , you know . " She looked at Reggie , who , being a kind soul and much influenced by Walt Whitman 's poem , Leaves of Grass , smiled and took her hand , " They 'll always come back , Miss Aline , if not as azaleas , then as something else . " Just then Mama walked up with her Brownie Box camera in hand . " Let 's take a picture of the three of you while it 's still light . Here , stand in front of the azaleas for me , please . Miss Aline , your yard is as lovely as ever . And you look so happy . You must be having a good day . Now everyone smile . " Louise Bergen is the central character in a ( women 's fiction ) story I wrote , But Not Forgotten , which presents the misadventures and misfortunes of Louise Bergen , a modern and somewhat reluctant Southern Belle . Louise was raised a South Louisiana Catholic , but after enduring a childhood of mean - spirited nuns , priests preaching about money instead of patience and love , and a church usher who tried to kiss her throughout her teen years , Louise often wonders what the Catholic Church , or any religion , has to do with being a good person . Louise also wonders just how God chooses His minions . Louise is petite , dark - haired , and pretty , but understands that her Mama was right about " how you look on the outside isn 't important . " Louise knows if you believe pretty is all you have , what do you do when you 're not anymore ? " Don 't mope around , Louise . Find someone worse off than you , and help them . If you think about yourself all the time , you 'll always be unhappy . Why Mattie Called Her Junk Room , Bluebeard 's Room - Marian 's quiet voice from my answering machine woke me from a Saturday afternoon nap . . . Nanny Gee and the Homemade Paper Straw - Warren ran away away several times , farther each time , until , the last I heard . . . How Many Days Until Mama ? - Mama smelling her older brothers ' lunch boxes when she was a plump little girl is one of my favorite stories . . . We Missed You at Christmas ! - Mama K had a heart that was easily made glad . What a blessing that is , to be always grateful , for even the simple things , like a slice of lemon cake . . . To My Now - Silent Son of the Sixties - He was gone , and I would never again hear him sing " When I 'm Sixty - four . " That was his favorite Beatles song and he sang it to me each year on his birthday . . . Maw - Maw and the Highwayman - It was the summer I turned 15 ; the summer Reggie asked me to go steady ( even though I wasn 't supposed to " go with " only one boy ) ; the summer I made my oldest sister , Marian , burn the fudge at Maw - Maw Gert 's ; and the summer I met Julian , the grandson of Maw - Maw 's neighbor , Old Man Turner . . . Miss Aline 's Azaleas , and Reincarnation - Miss Aline had a sad life . Of course , I never knew about her disappearing boyfriend , and the baby she had to give up , until much later . . . Welcome to Stories of Strong Southern Women ! - I hope you will join me often ! I have so many memories . . . Now I write ( women 's fiction ) about growing up , what happened later , and the strong women I have known . Thank you for visiting ! Marina ( This an old picture of me , from around the year 1969 . Note the paisley dress . It was simple , but exciting back then , and much of my writing stems from those years . Here I am in Maw - Maw 's kitchen . It was peaceful at Maw - Maw 's . She and I cooked , went to Mass , and watched The Virginian . I tried to slip out at night to see her neighbor 's motorcycle - riding grandson . . . )

She was curled on his lap , one chubby fist curled against her cheek , insulated from the cold with a thick blue flannel romper . Her mother 's childhood blanket was draped over the both of them . They sat together in the old man 's favorite chair , one that had been with him almost as long as he could remember , the one with the patched and frayed cushions and the old wood frame that creaked in all the places he knew and loved . Before them the fireplace popped and crackled , merrily devouring the last armload of twigs the girl had placed in it . Next to that an old black and white television , one of the behemoths from the days before cable and HDTV and digital processing , was hissing with white noise , displaying nothing but the static and snow of an empty channel . He preferred it that way ; the sound was soothing to him , made him think of listening to the wind when he was a child . He smiled , running his fingers through the girl 's thick , blonde hair . His voice was slow and more than a little rough , a relic of long years working on the docks and his tobacco and whiskey habits when he had been young . But the little girl had never heard it raised in anger , and in that very roughness it became gentle , something soothing . Perfect for storytelling . Grandpa always told the best stories . Her round face scrunched up , her blue eyes rolling towards the ceiling . She placed one finger to the corner of her pursed lips while she thought . " I don 't know , Marlene , " he drawled , feigning reluctance . " Seems my memory isn 't so good these days . Hard to remember the really good stories … " He cocked one eye open , just a bit , gave her a moment of silence . As expected , the girl 's face fell , her expectant smile turning into a pout . His laughter bubbled out of his throat again . " Well , then . We 'll have to get ready . Can 't just tell a story , you know . " A smile - somehow a bit sad - lurked at the edges of his mouth as he spoke . " Especially not this one . " The girl nodded , leaning forward and breathing deep of his old , secret smell . His cigarettes , his cologne , the books he read and the detergent he used , they all combined into a singular , heavenly scent that she identified only as " Grandpa Smell . " The smell of home , of safety , of tales told on cold winter nights when everyone else was asleep . " Go on , put a little more wood in the fire . Not the twigs this time ; one of the big logs . And pour me a glass . Storytelling can be thirsty work , especially on a cold night . " " Okay ! " She spoke in an oddly endearing combination : a shriek of excitement merged with a stage whisper . The old man 's smile lost some of its sorrow . She hopped down , immediately busying herself with his requests . He stood , taking a moment to pop all the knots in his spine , and cast an appraising glance around the room . He walked towards the wall switch and turned the dimmer down low , making the fire , the white glare of the television and the reflection of frost in the window the primary sources of light . He returned to his chair , head bowed in consideration for a moment , then lifted it , the big muscles in his arms - still there , still strong , despite having been retired for almost a decade - bunching with the strain . He drug the old chair towards the window , turning it so it faced directly out into the snow . Nodding , he settled back down , and made a beckoning gesture . The old man took a sip of the whiskey , giving it a moment to bring its welcome heat . Nodding , he coughed into one fist to clear his throat and slid one arm around the girl . With the other , he pointed out the window . She leaned forward , her face almost touching the glass , squinting and trying to see what he was talking about . She shook her head and looked back up at him . His expression was hard to read ; some of that sadness was back in it , and his eyes looked watery . " That 's okay , honey . " He scrubbed at her back briefly , the callused texture of his knotted hand bringing shivers through her . " Maybe you 'll see it . Just keep looking . And you have to look hard , okay ? " " Alright , then . You have to look behind the snow , like I said . Because it 's not just our yard out there . Or even just the world . There 's a place past even that , where magic is real , and fairies and sprites and ghosts wander . " " Yes , ghosts . But they 're not going to hurt you . They have their own business to attend to , you know , and hurting people isn 't usually included . " " A very long time ago , and not very far away at all , there were two villages . One was a village of farmers , who worked very hard and always had the tastiest vegetables . There were tomatoes and pumpkins , squash and peas , cabbage and rice , and there was always enough for everyone . There were fruits in the summer , too ; strawberries bigger than you can imagine , and oranges so sweet you could shock your tongue , and birdfruits - " " You don 't know about birdfruit ? It 's what we used to eat all the time when we were young . They 're little green plums , almost , but they have wings . When you want one , you just put out your hand and call , and they fly right to you . Of course , you 'd have to be careful . If you called too many at once , they might splat all over you , and those stains are hard to get out . " " But it was never winter there . Only spring and summer and fall . Time to plant and time to harvest , and that was all . But the villagers were fine with that . Saved them the trouble of cutting wood and making heavy clothes and worrying about if they 'd saved enough food . " It was always winter there , because the Fairy Queen liked it that way . She liked the cold , and the way light reflects off ice , and how , if you listened just right , you could hear singing in the low winds when they skated across the surface of the lake . Most of the rusalki were fine with it , too ; they 'd had enough of the other seasons when they lived across the lake , and when they came to the rusalki village , they thought it was new and different and fun . Building snowmen , and ice skating , and shaking the snow off the tops of the very tall trees . The fairies liked it , because their Queen liked it , and they always liked the things the Queen did . So they were pretty happy , too . " Then one day a little girl came to the rusalki village . She was the prettiest little girl they had ever seen , with long blonde hair and big blue eyes and a velvet ribbon to tie her hair . And the Queen saw her and felt lonely for the first time in just about forever , because she remembered having a daughter once , who looked just like that little girl , but her daughter ran away to live with the humans and the Queen never saw her again . " So the Queen went to meet the little girl , and took her in and adopted her , so she had a new daughter . Everyone was satisfied . After all , she was the prettiest little girl , and the rusalki and fairies who 'd been there for a long time knew how lonely the Queen had been since her daughter ran away , even if she tried to pretend she wasn 't . " " Where was I ? Oh , right . So the Queen adopted the little girl , and gave her a name , because the little girl didn 't remember what her name had been before she came to live with the rusalki . She named her Annysia , which means ' little angel , ' and gave her all kinds of things to make her happy . There were pretty blue dresses , and glass tops that cast all the colors of the rainbow on the castle walls , and even her very own pony made of living ice , that she named Snowdancer . The little girl was very happy , and the Queen was happy to have a little girl again , and all the rusalki and fairies were happy because the Queen was happy and they had a princess again . " But after a few years , Annysia decided she was bored . I mean , sure , all the toys and dresses and ponies she could ever want was nice , but part of her remembered her old village , and the way the trees would change color . Or how nice it was to find a big pile of leaves to jump in and the way they crunched just right when you did it . She loved the Queen , and she loved all the people , and they all loved her , but somehow it just wasn 't enough . " She took to wandering away from the castle . Just a little bit at first , but further and further away as the years passed . The Queen started to worry , and told Annysia that she loved her , and wanted the best for her , but that she must never ever go past the midway point of the lake . " One day , while she was watching , she saw a birdfruit tree that was growing close to the shore , and part of her remembered calling them and having them come . Now , the soups the fairies made were all delicious , with thick broth and lots of good things in them , but Annysia missed having fruit . So she reached out her hand , and whistled like she thought she 'd done when she had been in the farming village so long ago , and the fruit came to her . It was delicious , just like she knew it would be . " Andrei was the boyar 's son , and so everyone expected him to do brave , rash things , and he never disappointed them . Like when he went out into the woods with a stick , claiming that he was bear - hunting , or the time he fell into Irina 's well because he swore there was treasure down there . But today he was doing something even the other villagers would have been shocked at . He was walking along the lake , almost to the halfway point , and trying to see the village of the rusalki . " " They were … mostly . But fairies sometimes play tricks on people , and the farmers didn 't know the fairies or the rusalki very well , so they were worried . And since it was the princess who had gone missing , Andrei would be in the most danger of all , since he was the closest thing they had to a prince . So he especially wasn 't supposed to get close to the lake or the other village . " " But he was not very good at listening , and liked to do things that no one else had done or thought of before , so he was close to the edge of the lake and he saw the birdfruit when it came to Annysia . Then he saw her , and just stopped . He saw how beautiful she was , and heard how kind she was in the way she whistled for the fruit , and knew that he loved her . " " Annysia was so scared that she dove under the water and hid . She knew she wasn 't supposed to be seen ; her mother had told her so , because the Queen knew that the farmers were scared of the fairies , and she didn 't want to make it any worse , even if they had stolen her daughter . So Annysia hid under the water , breathing from the secret bubbles that came up from down below , and waited until she heard Andrei go away before she swam back , mounted Snowdancer , and rode home . " Andrei was heartbroken . He knew he 'd scared her , and hadn 't meant to . He stayed by the lake for a while , waiting to see if she 'd come back , but finally it was getting dark and he didn 't want to push his luck any farther . So he went home , too . He didn 't tell his father where he 'd been or what he 'd seen , even though he wanted to . He wanted to tell everyone about the beautiful fairy girl he 'd seen and how he loved her , but he knew it would be dangerous , even more dangerous than when he 'd hunted the bear , and so he stayed quiet . " Annysia stayed quiet , too . She knew that if her mother knew that she 'd been seen , she 'd forbid Annysia from going to the lake anymore and Annysia didn 't want that . Plus , she thought the boy had been handsome . Part of her was very curious about the boy , even if he was a little scary . ' He came to the edge once . Maybe he will come again . I won 't run away next time , ' she thought to herself . " And so the next day , Annysia went to her place on the lake , and watched , and waited . And Andrei , thinking that what has been seen once might be seen again , went to the lake as well . And he watched , and waited . But neither saw the other until Annysia started to get hungry for fruit again , and called another birdfruit . " When she whistled , Andrei ran to the spot he heard the noise , and saw her there . She was just about to take a big bite of the fruit when she saw him . It startled her , and she dropped it into the lake . She almost went down after it , but stood her ground , puffing out her chest and doing her best to look tough and strong as Andrei came towards the shore of the lake . " Andrei was also trying to look big and tough and not afraid , but his heart was beating so very fast and he was shaking a little , because he was so in love with her and was worried she would run away again . As he got closer , and Annysia could see him better , and could see the way he was shaking , she realized that he was as scared of her as she was of him , and her heart melted a little bit , and she wasn 't as scared , and she realized she loved him too . So she swam to meet him , staying always on the rusalki side of the halfway point . " They met there , at the middle , him on the shore on the farmer 's side , her in the lake on the fairies ' side , and they talked . They got to know each other , and told each other stories all day . Stories about who they were and what they dreamed about and what it was like in their respective villages . They talked so long that they didn 't notice that it had gotten dark until the owls began hooting , and both of them were suddenly worried and ran to their homes , because they knew they would be in trouble . But not before agreeing they would meet again tomorrow . " When Annysia got home , the Queen was waiting , and wanted to know where she had been . Annysia couldn 't lie when asked a direct question - no fairy creature can , you know - and so told her mother about Andrei and the things he had told her about the farmers . Her mother was very upset , and reminded Annysia of what had happened to her older daughter . But seeing that Annysia was in love with Andrei and not able to bear the thought of causing her daughter pain , the Queen told her this : " Andrei ran home , and when his father asked him where he had been , he told him , for surely talking to one of the fair folk all day was proof that he was brave and rash and manly . But his father punished him , claiming he would bring down ruin on the whole village . He forbid him to see Annysia again , or even go near the lake . Andrei argued , he yelled , he even fought , but it did no good ; seeing that his son would not be moved , Andrei 's father had him tied up in the town hall , thinking that keeping him away from Annysia for a day or two would make the boy forget about her and things could go back to normal . " " She didn 't mean to be . She was just worried about your mom . Sometimes parents do things that seem bad , but they mean well . Do you understand ? " " So the next day , Annysia went out to meet Andrei , and went to her spot in the middle of the lake , and she looked and she called , but he didn 't come . She was terribly heartbroken , and she cried . Each tear that fell into the lake turned immediately to ice , building a coating of frost on the whole lake . " Annysia heard her lover 's shouts , and could feel the pain of the ropes biting into him , and could think of nothing except that he did love her , and he was hurting . She moved to go to the sound of his voice … but in so doing , she crossed the midway point of the lake . She only realized her error when her tears began to freeze completely , trapping her under a sheet of ice that sprang up across the lake . Clouds began to gather overhead , blowing from the to of the fairy queen 's castle on the rusalki side over to the farmer 's side , dropping snow as they went . " In only a few hours , the frightened farmers were almost buried by snow , and they did not know what to do . ' Our crops will die ! ' they cried . ' We 'll all freeze ! ' they shouted . ' What has done this ? ' they demanded . Andrei 's father knew , of course ; the fairies had cursed them because of his idiot son . " " So . The whole farmer 's village froze over , and Andrei was still tied up , and Annysia was trapped under the ice , breathing from the secret bubbles and eating seeds from the birdfruit she had dropped before , which was turning into a tree . And people threw things at Andrei , the vegetables that had died and gone bad from the cold , and kept telling him that it was his fault . Only one villager never threw things , never blamed him ; Old Alura would only watch him sadly , looking as though she was about to cry , and then would go away . But she came back day after day , and though the other villagers were getting thinner and angrier , she still looked the same . " In the fairy village , there were no more games and fun ; all the rusalki were sad and stared across the lake with worry in their hearts . They knew Annysia had gone missing , and they knew the Queen would be very upset , and they knew that whatever was happening over there was her form of revenge . The fairies were all sad as well , for no one wanted them to make delicious soup or wondrous toys or pretty jewelry , and their Queen had locked herself in her room and wouldn 't come out . " Annysia stayed beneath the ice , crying and crying and tending her tree and drinking air from the secret bubbles . The tree had nearly reached the top of the ice now , and made plenty of fruit for her to eat , but it no longer tasted good . It just reminded her of the things she was missing , and what she missed most was , of course , Andrei . " Finally , the villagers stopped coming to throw things at him . The children had even grown to enjoy the snow , to doing the things that the fairies thought were normal but that were new and different to them : ice skating and snow fights and frosted drinks . The adults were less pleased , but had figured out how to get on , sewing heavier clothes from the skins of the bears and making fires with the thickest trees their axes would cut . Still , they were worried . What would happen if spring never came ? Would they all starve ? " ' Shh , ' she said , as she untied him . ' I know what has happened and what you must do . You must find your love , and things will be right . ' " Andrei didn 't know what to say . He was grateful that she had released him , but how could she know what had happened ? He asked her , and she told him : " ' I ran from my mother once , a long time ago , because I loved a human , too . My mother was very angry , and her anger and sorrow sent the winter against the farmers then , too . But then she saw that I was happy and though it made her sad , she stopped , so I might stay happy and my husband would not die . ' " ' You must go , and take this . ' Alura reached into the neck of her heavy coat and pulled out a shining pendant made of ice and crystal . ' Take it to your love and make her take it to our mother , and beg her mercy . Now go . ' " Andrei took the necklace and ran to the lake , but stopped at the halfway point . Sticking out from the ice was a single birdfruit . It hadn 't sprouted wings yet , but it was there just the same . When he went to look more closely , he saw the tip of a tree poking out from the ice , and heard weeping from beneath it . Knowing it had to be his lover , he ran to the shore and found himself a big stick , bigger even than the one he had been using to hunt bears , and picked it up , then ran back to the tip of the tree and started digging at the ice with his stick , and his hands and the tip of Alura 's pendant , which was very sharp and tough because it was a thing of fairy magic . " Annysia heard the sounds , could hear Andrei 's grunts and shouts from above , and began to call to him . He had not forgotten her ! She urged him to dig faster , and started helping as well , as best she could , digging from underneath the ice . " The noise they were making brought people from both villages to the shores of the lake , staring at the young man and his antics and across at each other . Rusalki and fairies and humans all clustered around , until even the boyar and the Queen were gathered at the shore . Both of them walked out onto the ice to meet in the middle , where their shouting children were . " At last , Andrei broke through the ice , and Annysia dove out of the water and into his arms . They held each other , and kissed each other , and their parents stared in shock and awe at the sight . When they separated , Andrei turned to the Fairy Queen and held out his hand , which still had Alura 's necklace hanging from it . He took a deep breath , and puffed out his chest , and tried to look as brave and as bold and as strong as any boyar had ever been , and said to her : " The Queen 's face trembled . Cracked . Fell . She began to weep , small jewels of every color sprinkling down onto the ice , and some say that if you go fishing in the lake , you still might catch one . It 's very good luck . " " And so Andrei and Annysia were to be wed . And as part of the marriage agreement , the Queen spoke to the weather , and made it so that the rusalki would always have their winter , and the farmers would always have their summer . But at the shores of the lake , it would always be fall . And in the center , on a small island that grew around the birdfruit tree that had kept her daughter safe and fed , it would always be spring . And the Queen and the boyar agreed that they would each let their people cross as often as they liked . So they lived happily ever after . " The grandfather laughed , as he took the last bit of his drink . " Tomorrow , when the sun comes up and everything 's sparkling with all that fresh snow , we 'll go out to the yard . Then we 'll go out to the lake behind that . You know the lake ? " " Yes , that one . And she has her reasons , but it 's safe as houses right now . Frozen right over , though without any ghostly fairy princesses trapped beneath , I promise . " " I am . But there is something else there . The big tree , right in the middle . Sometimes , if you go to that tree , and you wish really , really hard , and you had good dreams the night before … you can see behind the snow , and see that island of eternal spring , where Andrei and Annysia lived happily ever after . So we 're going to go and look for it . " " Really . " He bent over her , putting his dry old lips to her forehead . " Now go on . It 's late . Get to bed , and have good dreams . " She threw her arms around his neck , hugging him tightly , before giving him a healthy smack on his cheek . She slipped off his lap , and scurried to the door , pausing for a moment before she left the room . " Goodnight , grandpa . Love you . Sweet dreams . " He smiled , turning his face away so she wouldn 't see the tears that were starting to well up in his eyes . " Goodnight , Marlene . I love you , too . " When she was gone , and he was alone again , he rose from his seat and filled his glass . He settled back into his chair , staring out the window , past the yard , behind the snow , and to the lake he had once known so well . Lifting his glass , his voice thickened by emotion , he toasted the night . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Introduction : For a bad boy trying to turn his life around , a guardian angel takes a surprising shape . Note : This is a contest entry for the May 1 , 2010 unofficial contest in the Sex Stories Forum . If the opening paragraph sounds familiar , that 's why . The light fog added a moisture to the air . The coolness of the night wrapped around her like a wet towel , sending a shiver up her spine . She was lucky she knew the area so well , or she could have easily become lost . She looked through the trees at the house where he lived , slightly smiling at the one electric candle burning in the kitchen window . She knew she shouldn 't be out here in the forest at night ; in fact , she probably shouldn 't be making this trip at all . Several times she had considered turning back . She could always come later , during the daylight hours . But no , that wasn 't true . Her parents would never give her permission . That was why she had to come at night , when they were in bed and not likely to even know that she was gone . She didn 't like sneaking around behind their backs ; she was a good girl , one who almost always did what her parents told her to do . She never lied , and probably in the morning she would confess to them what she had done . Naturally they would punish her , but that didn 't bother her ; she knew the consequences of this visit and was ready to face them . This wasn 't the first time she had visited the cabin . As a self - proclaimed tomboy , she had wandered all over the forest , from the river in the south to the foothills of the mountains in the north , from the lake in the east to the edge of the town in the west . She felt more at home in the woods than in her own bedroom . Her parents were used to her disappearing into the forest for most of the day . At first , they had tried to discourage her with tales of bears and mountain lions and snakes and rushing rivers that snatched little girls from the banks to carry their bodies out to sea and a dozen other assorted bogeymen . But the more they told her of the dangers of the forest , the more exciting it sounded , and in the end they figured it was a losing battle . She had visited the cabin before , peeked in the windows at the empty rooms inside , climbed around on the rotting woodpile out back , and then grown bored with it . But now it was occupied , and not just by anyone . It belonged to him . She remembered when he had come to stay with her family , in some kind of foster care arrangement . Her parents were great humanitarians and took in the boy when he had lost his parents . He had been fifteen then , just shy of his sixteenth birthday . She remembered looking up with wonder and excitement to this older boy who was so handsome and daring and brave and sure of himself . He didn 't take orders from anyone ; he did what he pleased and it didn 't matter what anyone else thought . Plus he could get away with anything . Literally anything . He used to brag about all the things he had done , things that shocked her but at the same time excited her . She had never even thought some of those things were possible . But to a young rebel like him , anything was possible . But there was another side to him too , one that perhaps only she knew about . With her parents , with other kids his age , with almost everyone in the entire world , he was belligerent and haughty and disrespectful . But he had always been gentle and kind to her . She remembered how they used to play together out in the woods , hunting lions and elephants and the occasional dragon . She taught him how to climb trees , and in return , any time they had to ford a stream , he had her hop up on his back so he could carry her across . She remembered those days with great fondness . It was just too bad that he had to get himself thrown out of the house six months later . That was the last she had seen or heard of him for six years , until her father mentioned a few days ago that he had moved into the old cabin . From the tone of his voice , he made it clear that he didn 't approve of having the old rapscallion living that close . Her father hadn 't exactly forbidden her from paying the boy a visit , but she suddenly found herself with too much work to do around the house for any decent excursions into the woods . She knew her parents could be stubborn , and if she pressed the point she would only end up grounded . So here she was , approaching the door of the rascal who had been her big brother for a short time , awaiting with trepidation their reunion . Would he blame her for tattling on him and getting him in trouble ? Would he slam the door in her face ? Would he even open the door at all ? Inside the cabin he sat on the couch , thinking about her . He wondered whether she hated him , or if she even remembered him . It had been six years , after all , and she was just a child when he left . Six years was a good portion of her lifetime . He had to smile as he glanced around the room , thinking about just how different things would be if he hadn 't deliberately set out to change his life . It was an admittedly small yet delightfully cozy cabin in the woods , with a kitchen , living room , one bedroom , and one bathroom . Right now the cabin was lit by a single battery - powered candle sitting on the kitchen table . For the moment he had no electricity and no phone service , but that was just temporary ; he had only been living in this cabin for a couple of days , and before that it had been vacant for years . Tomorrow he would ride into town and visit both the utility company and the phone company and get everything taken care of . A bookcase full of old textbooks stood against the wall as a monument to what he had achieved in those six years . It was no grand feat worthy of remembrance ; he was hardly the first person to graduate from college . Still , it was astonishing considering where he had started from , in the lowly halls of a juvenile detention center . Next to the door , his bicycle leaned against the wall , another symbol of the change he had made to his life . Six years ago he had sworn off all of the toxic substances that he had been slowly poisoning himself with , and made a commitment to a more healthy lifestyle . Now instead of spending his leisure time drinking or smoking , he rode several miles every day to keep himself fit . He did it now out of choice , but soon it would be out of necessity . The nearby town was almost four miles away , and in the fall he would be starting on his Master 's program at the university there . Lacking a car , he would have to ride his bike to school every morning . He retrieved his wallet from his back pocket and opened it , gazing down at the picture of her smiling face . She had short , straight blond hair , large brown eyes full of childlike wonder and curiosity , and a smile that could cheer up the darkest heart . It was hard to believe that this little girl , this nine - year - old tomboy who loved frogs and snakes and climbing trees and wading in the stream , could change a man 's life for the better . She probably didn 't even know the influence she had had on him . He wanted to tell her . Perhaps one day he would work up the courage to cycle over to the house where he had lived for six months . Her parents might not be so happy to see him ; he had betrayed their trust when he had lived with them . But if they would just give him a chance , he would show them that he was changed , that he was not the boy they knew , the boy who had seemed determined to destroy himself and drag everyone around him down into the abyss with him . Truthfully , he was frightened , and not just of them . He was afraid of what their daughter might think of him . He didn 't know if he could handle it if she hated him . A sudden chill ran through him . It was getting cold , and if the clouds he had spotted just before dusk were any indication , it would probably rain tonight . Fortunately , he had a fireplace in the cabin and plenty of wood out back . He had procrastinated going out and bringing the wood in , but with the temperature dropping he could no longer afford to wait . He set his wallet down on the nearby table , then rose to his feet and headed for the door , opening it and staring with surprise at the girl standing there behind it . It was her . " Kelly Whitaker , " he said . " Somehow I knew that the first time I saw you again , you would be soggy , dirty , and half frozen . You were never happy otherwise . " Her smile widened at that . Suddenly , she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him . At that moment , the six years of separation vanished and it was like they had never been apart . Memories returned of holding her just like this , and Brandon Lang felt , for the first time in years , content . So the little girl didn 't hate him after all . That had been his greatest fear since he left ; they had departed on less than happy terms . Of course , children that age tended to forgive easily , but there was no telling what her father or mother had put into her mind . " Hey ! " she playfully exclaimed , but she seemed happy enough to come inside . He watched her as she strode past him , her dirt - stained clothes reminding him so much of when she had been a child , always running around outside in the forest , never a care in the world for what she looked like or who saw her in her messy , untidy state . Some things never changed . And some things did . Her hair was longer ; she had grown it out , and despite its stringy and damp appearance , it really looked lovely . Her face still retained a bit of that childlike quality to it , but age had improved upon it ; now she was a beautiful , and perhaps even sexy , adolescent . That was particularly emphasized by her figure , which had done plenty of filling out in the time since he had last seen her . She was slender yet sported some really nice curves for her age . This became all the more apparent when she removed her coat . Yes , she had definitely grown up quite a bit in the past six years . She handed her coat to him , and he hung it up in the closet . " Well , sit down , " he offered cheerfully , motioning to the couch . She took a seat , and he sat in the nearby comfy chair . " Correct me if I 'm wrong , but I 'm guessing your parents don 't know you 're here , " he said . For a moment he just stared at her , intrigued both by her presence here and just how much she had changed . He had always wondered what she would look like the next time he saw her . In truth , he hadn 't really expected her to be so pretty . It was a strange feeling to see this beautiful young woman before him and at the same time remember the little girl that she once was . " It 's true . I cleaned up my life , went to college , graduated with a degree in Biology , and in the fall I 'm about to start work on my Master 's . I bought this house out in the woods because I expect the program to involve a lot of hands - on experience . I can walk out my front door and be surrounded by all the biology I could possibly hope for . " She stared at him . Brandon continued to smile , hoping it came across as affable and friendly . He had waited a long time to tell her how he felt about her ; he had rehearsed the lines over and over again in his mind in the off - chance that he would see her again . Yet now that she sat here before him , he couldn 't quite get them out . " Hold that thought , " he told her instead . " It 's getting kind of cold , and I need to go collect wood for the fire . In the mean time , make yourself comfortable . I 'll be back in a couple of minutes . " He stood and strode to the bookcase , picking up the flashlight that sat on top . Then he moved to the door . Opening it , he turned and flashed her one last smile , then disappeared out into the darkness , closing the door behind him . Kelly stared at the door where he had just stood , thinking about everything he had told her . She had to admit that she had not expected the change that had come over him . Here he was , a clean - cut , handsome man with a bright future and a confident outlook on life . She had expected something different , something less . Perhaps a bit of the bad boy that she remembered . That image of him had been attractive because it was dangerous , but now it seemed weak and even silly in comparison to what he had become . That confident man was even more attractive . She spied his wallet on the table . Curiosity had always been her weakness , so she reached out and plucked it from where it sat . Then she opened it , glancing at the pictures in it . There were three . The first was of Brandon and what were probably several of his friends at some kind of party . The second was of her family , taken in front of their house on a warm and bright summer day . She smiled as she spied herself in the photo , perched on top of Brandon 's shoulders . How young and tiny she looked ! Then she flipped over to the reverse side and saw a picture of just herself alone . It must have also been taken when he was living with them . She smiled as she gazed at it , flattered that he had kept a picture of her in his wallet this whole time . He had said something about how he couldn 't have done it without her . What did he mean by that ? Just then , the front door opened , and Brandon walked in , carrying an armful of wood . Kelly jumped , feeling guilty about looking through his personal belongings . She set the wallet back down on the table . " It 's all right , " he told her . " It 's not like I have any secrets from you . You were there for two out of those three pictures after all . " Since he didn 't seem to mind , she had a few things to ask him . She just wasn 't sure how to say it . " So why . . . um . . . " she started . Brandon deposited the wood on the floor next to the fireplace . He didn 't answer the question , but instead set about building a fire . She watched him , wondering if he were trying to think of what to tell her . His task gave him plenty of opportunity to think it over , and she didn 't want to push him . She waited patiently until the small sparks gradually built up to a healthy blaze . " Yes , you . I wanted to send you a letter , but I didn 't know what to write . Even now it 's hard for me to express what I really want to say . I hope you won 't take this the wrong way ; I hope you 're able to understand my meaning despite the awkwardness of my words . You 've been the most important influence on my life since I left your family . " " I don 't understand , " she said , which was certainly the truth . " You were only with us for a few months , and I was only nine years old . Sure , I liked to play with you , but I was just a kid . " " I know , and that 's the strangest part about it . Or maybe not so strange . Maybe that was why you had such an influence on me . You see , until I came to stay with your family , I had been surrounded by people that . . . well , let 's just say I never really had a good role model . I never knew there were good or honest people out there . If you remember , I wasn 't exactly a good or honest person myself . " " I remember that , " she smiled . " That 's what made you so fascinating to me . You did all kinds of naughty things and got away with it . " She wasn 't sure whether it was a good idea to admit that , but since he was being so truthful with her , she felt she could do the same . " No it wasn 't , " he insisted . " Kelly , I want you to get that out of your head right now . Whatever part you played in it , it was my decision , not yours , that got me into trouble . " " Look , you caught me smoking a joint . What were you supposed to do ? I put you in an awkward position where you had to make a decision . And I 'm glad you made the right one . " " Yes , I think we both remember how furious they were . And rightfully so . I mean , your mom has a heart of gold ; that 's why she took me in in the first place . She thought she could turn my life around . And your dad supported her in this , and tried his hardest to make me into something I wasn 't . And I threw it all in their faces . You were right to tell them . " " I should have told you how I really feel . You shouldn 't have had to carry that guilt with you all this time . Kelly , I don 't want you to ever lie for me . You did the right thing , and I not only respect you for it , I 'm glad you did it . " " It would have happened eventually anyway . It was inevitable that they would have one day caught me doing something that offended their morality . I was never destined to be a part of your family forever . But if you believe in destiny , and I 'm really starting to consider it , then I think you were my guardian angel . " " You were who you were , and never tried to be anything else . You were kind of a tomboy , and from what I 've seen , you still are . You were always more at home in the forest than at school , church , or anywhere else . But the great part was that you were honest about it . I loved it when we used to go out into the woods to play . I never realized until then that a person could have so much fun doing something that didn 't require sneaking around behind someone 's back . And I never realized until then that a sixteen - year - old boy could be friends with a nine - year - old girl . I never had a little sister before , but that was what you were to me . For a few months , I actually stopped thinking about myself for a change and started thinking about someone else . I guess you could say that you were my first true friend . " " When you told your parents on me , at first I was angry , " he continued . " Their reaction was as bad as I expected . They told me I could no longer live with them . Or especially with you . I guess they didn 't want me to be a bad influence on you . But what they didn 't understand was how good of an influence you had been on me . Here was this little girl , so innocent and trusting , so believing in honesty and truthfulness , that she was willing to do the right thing no matter what it cost her . I couldn 't believe anyone could be so honest , and yet , there you were , right in front of me . " It 's no exaggeration to say that you changed my life . I hated what I had become , especially now that I saw someone so completely different and so much happier . I wanted what you had . " " Self - respect . I couldn 't respect myself the way you could . I wanted to be able to hold my head up high and say that I mattered , that I was important , that the world was a little better because I was in it . But I couldn 't . Not yet . " " I kind of wish they hadn 't , but on the other hand , I think it was necessary . I don 't think I could have found my path if I had stayed with you and your family . I needed to really understand the consequences of my actions , to feel real loss because of a mistake I made . With all due respect to your parents ' good intentions , I didn 't need someone to protect me from myself ; I needed to hurt . It was the only way . " " Exactly . I needed to have you close by , in a sense , to keep me on track . Whenever I had a tough decision to make , I could just open up my wallet and see your smiling face , and realize that I was working for something , that there was a reason why I was doing what I was doing . So because of you , I gave up drinking , smoking , drugs . . . hell , I even gave up swearing , " he joked . Kelly stared at him for a minute , a minute in which they just gazed into each other 's eyes . She could feel the sincerity of his words , and understood now what he meant . It was surprising , shocking even , but not an unpleasant revelation . It excited her to know that this handsome and confident man not only loved her , but had loved her ever since they had parted six years before . She could feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest as she gazed at him . " Yes you should have , " she smiled . Then she scooted in closer to him , reached out , and wrapped her arms around his neck . He slipped his arms around her back and embraced her tightly . They held each other there for the longest time , just relaxing in each other 's embrace . Kelly thought about all he had said . Gone was the bad boy of their childhood . Here was a man , a strong and confident and quite handsome man , who loved her . Yes , it was clear that he loved her , perhaps not in any romantic way but a pure and platonic love . And as she thought back on the fun times they had as children and the man he had become , she wondered if perhaps she loved him too . Kelly immediately pulled back , surprised . Brandon wore a similar look on his face , as if he had surprised even himself with that gesture . Or was it so bad ? It wasn 't the first time he had kissed her like that , after all . It was okay to be affectionate with a child , and perhaps that was how he still thought of her ; as a little nine - year - old girl . She only knew he loved her ; she didn 't know how he loved her . Perhaps it was nothing more than a brother 's love for a sister . Or perhaps . . . Permission to do what ? she wondered . What are his real intentions toward me ? He had pretty much admitted that he had been a little infatuated with her , but then again , the last time they had been together , she had been a little infatuated with him . Was there something more now , something that neither of them were willing to admit ? It made her feel a little uncomfortable . She didn 't think he would ever do anything to her against her will , but for a moment she realized just how alone they were out here . Just how well did she really know him , after all ? " If my parents find out I snuck out , I 'll probably be grounded for a while , " she laughed as she put it on . " So if I don 't come visiting you for a few days , you 'll know why . But I 'll call you tomorrow . " " Unfortunately , I don 't have the phone service hooked up out here yet , " he replied . " And I don 't have a cell phone . But I 'd love it if you 'd stop by again . Tell your parents that I 'm not such a villain after all . I 'd like to see them too . " They both stared out into the downpour , surprised to see it raining so hard . They had been so engrossed in their conversation that they hadn 't even heard the rain start . Now , as she stood there in the doorway , Kelly realized just how foolish she had been . They backed away from the door , and Brandon closed it behind them . Kelly once more returned to her seat on the couch , but this time Brandon sat in the nearby chair . No doubt what had happened earlier bothered him as much as it bothered her . But did she really mind ? She wasn 't certain of anything right now . When he kissed her , it brought back memories of her childhood , when he had always been so gentle and kind with her , so protective and perhaps even a little possessive . In fact , the only reason it bothered her was because it caught her off guard . She hadn 't expected it right then , but now . . . Now , she realized , if he wanted to do it again , she would let him . It felt wonderful to relive the past like that , but there was perhaps something more . He was a handsome man , made even more so by his confidence and strength of character . Perhaps she was even a little attracted to him . She caught herself staring at him , and immediately turned away . Instead , she let her gaze drift to the fire burning in the fireplace , watching its hypnotic dance . Silence filled the cabin , but not the awkward silence of a lull in the conversation . This was a peaceful , relaxing , and comfortable silence . The warmth radiating from the fireplace and the flickering light soon took their toll on her , and she felt herself growing drowsy . Her eyelids grew heavy as she stared , and the weariness of her travels weighed down on her shoulders . She felt a slight dizzying sensation as she began to tip over , her sleepiness causing her to drop off . Then suddenly , he was there again , right beside her , his arm wrapped around her . She smiled and lay her head against his chest , throwing her own arms around him and hugging him tightly . In a flash , everything was clear . No , not everything , she realized . Kelly still didn 't know what his feelings were toward her , but she knew quite clearly what her feelings were toward him . Brandon was taken aback by her gesture . He had noticed her starting to tip over and realized she would hit the hard wooden arm of the couch , so he had quickly slipped to her side to keep her upright . Then she had thrown her arms around him , which admittedly felt very nice , but he sensed something more than mere friendship in that embrace . He couldn 't deny a certain attraction toward her ; she had literally startled him with her beauty when she showed up on his doorstep earlier in the evening . He wasn 't the type of man to favor young teenage girls like that , but his fond memories of her , his infatuation bordering on adoration , her lovely face , and her appealing trim figure combined to make her something more to him than just a pretty girl . He had called her his guardian angel , and that was exactly how he saw her . An angel . She lifted her gaze and stared into his eyes , a half - smile on her lips . Like this , with her face so near , her beauty seemed to magnify a hundredfold . He trembled , but whether that was out of nervousness , shyness , or desire , he did not know . He only knew that he was in danger of falling in love with this young girl . How did it come to this ? he wondered . But he already knew the answer ; he had allowed himself to worship her for six years without thinking through what his feelings would be if and when he met her again . When she was just a picture in his wallet , a picture of a child even , there was no harm in loving her . But now here she was , flesh and blood , a beautiful young woman right here in his arms . He should have pushed her away . He should have moved to the chair across the room . He should have done something , anything to let her know that this wasn 't what he wanted . But that would have been a lie . She had surprised him with that kiss , but even more surprising was the fact that he liked it . It was like tearing down the barriers between them , not just the barrier of their six years apart , but the barriers of formality , propriety , and most importantly , the shell of lies that everyone wraps themselves in . They both wanted that kiss , and Kelly , being the more honest of the two , was the first to admit it . Now he had a choice . There were rules , and Brandon had spent the last six years learning to follow them . He had never denied that there was still a part of the bad boy left in him , but in learning to follow the rules he had learned to tame that bad boy , to lock him in a cage where he belonged , and even to tone him down somewhat . How many times had he shut him away in the face of temptation ? How many more times would he do so ? If there was one thing Brandon knew , it was how to control his wilder side . But there was one problem , one possibility that he had never considered , and right now that possibility had just become reality . Whenever he was faced with temptation , Brandon had simply opened his wallet and stared at the face of the little girl to remind himself of what he was fighting for . Now his inspiration , his muse , his very guardian angel , was the one tempting him . This time it wasn 't just a quick peck . His lips lingered , caught up in the delightful feel and taste of her . It had been a long time since he had had the pleasure of tasting a girl 's lips . That was one of the things he had sworn off in his quest for self - improvement . He had had his share of fun in his wilder days , but once he realized that there were consequences to his actions , he had decided that he wouldn 't leave a string of fatherless children behind for the sake of his own self - gratification . He always knew that one day he would find a woman to love , but he would wait until he was ready to make a lifelong commitment . Now he felt guilty for throwing it away for a moment of pleasure . But it didn 't have to go that far . Even as he kissed her , he tried to be rational about the situation . He was already stepping over the line , but at least he would maintain some degree of self - control . A little kissing , a little hugging , even some cuddling , all that was fine . That would probably be enough to satisfy Kelly ; no doubt she just wanted to feel romantic tonight , and after what he had told her , it was no wonder . What was I thinking ? he marveled . How could he have just blurted out six years ' worth of emotions , of admiration and even adoration for her ? What did he expect would happen ? But he would be strong for her sake . Let her have her moment of fun . Let her know that he cared for her , that he missed her , that he loved her . They would snuggle for a bit and then the storm would be over and he would walk her home . All that was reasonably safe , though not exactly innocent . Brandon would remain firm , resisting the temptation to take it beyond that . That much , at least , he could do . Brandon nodded . So much for being strong , he thought as he scooped her up into his arms and carried her through the bedroom door . Kelly giggled as she kicked off her dirt - stained tennis shoes in the doorway . Even as he laid her gently on the bed , he wondered what had come over him . Was it as simple as six years of repressed lust ? Was his worshipful adoration for the girl clouding his judgment ? Or was it something more profound ? I 'll only take this as far as she wants , he decided . I 'll let her take the lead . But even as he thought it , he realized it was just one more line that he was drawing , and so far he had crossed every single one . Kelly grabbed him around the neck as he began to straighten back up after depositing her on the bed , preventing him from doing so . She pulled him back down to her and kissed him passionately . He ended up halfway on top of her , pressed to her by her tight embrace . She was certainly enthusiastic , but then , she had always been persistent when she wanted something . He remembered how she used to sit still for hours on the bank of a river waiting for a frog to peek above the water just so she could catch it . And if she decided that a certain tree looked fun to climb , she wouldn 't give up until she reached the highest branches . Now she had set her sights on him , and he was as powerless as that frog or that tree to resist her . He managed to come up for air just long enough to climb the rest of the way onto the bed , lying down beside her , then she attacked him with her lips again . From the way she bathed his faces with kisses , it was clear that she wouldn 't be content with just a little snuggling . She confirmed that a moment later by reaching for the bottom of his shirt . " We both want this , " Kelly told him . " You 've been in love with the little girl in the picture for six years , and I 've been in love with the bad boy that I remember from when I was a kid . Now you 've turned out to be even better than in my memories , and from the way you 've been looking at me all evening , I can tell that you think I have too . " " Okay , I 'll admit that you 've turned into a very attractive girl . And yes , darn it , I do love you . It 's just that . . . You know what ? I 'm an idiot . The girl of my dreams is offering herself to me and I 'm second - guessing it ? If this is really what you want . . . " " Then let 's enjoy ourselves , " he smiled , pulling his shirt over his head and discarding it on the floor . Kelly grinned , sitting up and running her hands over his chest . Now that felt nice ! With that soft and gentle yet almost ticklish sensation , the last traces of reluctance faded away . He knew he would have given in anyway , so he might as well have fun with it . He reached for her own shirt , but she swatted his hand , surprising him . But then she said , " lie down , " and he knew she had something else in mind . He let himself fall back on the bed , and Kelly straddled him , sitting on his thighs and pressing against his rapidly - hardening cock . She gave him a wink , then gripped the bottom of her shirt and with one smooth motion slipped it over her head . Brandon grinned at the sight of her body . She had the most beautiful , youthful skin , with an obvious tan line on her arms and around her neck from her many excursions into the woods . The rest of her skin was fair , with a healthy glow to it . She was a little thin , but not any more than the typical fifteen - year - old , and her curves were developing nicely . Of course , the curves that most intrigued him right now were on her upper chest , still hidden by her bra . Those curves , both of them , looked to be quite developed already , though she still had plenty of growing up to do . " Well let 's see if I can bring out even more of him . " She reached behind her back . Brandon 's eyes grew wide as he realized what she was doing . It had been far too long since he had seen a naked girl ; he had even tried to avoid magazines and unsavory web sites , despite what some of the other boys in Juvenile Hall had managed to sneak in on occasion . He found himself actually shivering with anticipation . Time seemed to slow down for the half a second as Kelly brought her arms forward . As the motion began , he realized both that the moment of anticipation had just about arrived , and that it still lay in the future . He felt himself concentrating , measuring the infinitesimal atoms of time during that motion , watching the cups loosen against her chest , exposing more and more , until the moment , like the first rays of sun on a cloudless morning , that the edge of the dark circles appeared . Then suddenly , time returned to its normal rhythm and he found himself staring at Kelly 's completely nude chest . " Oh my god , " he breathed , a chill running down his spine . It wasn 't the first time he had seen a pair of breasts , but it had been so long that he felt like a virgin . It might as well have been a completely new experience for him . He was on the verge of hyperventilating at this point , so he took a few slow breaths to calm himself . At the same time , he was far too excited to just lie there , so he reached out and ran his hands over Kelly 's chest like she had done to him a minute ago . Of course , this was completely different , considering that she had a lot more for him to play with . Kelly closed her eyes and smiled , obviously enjoying his attentions . Fortunately , he had not forgotten everything ; he still remembered a few things about giving pleasure to a woman . He let his fingers trace around her nipples for a while , then squeezed them gently between his thumb and forefinger . Some girls liked it more rough , but he was always very gentle the first time until he got to know just sensitive she was . He wanted this to be as special for her as it was for him . After several minutes of him playing with her like that , she moved his hands to the side , and lay down on top of him , pressing her chest against his . Brandon sighed , remembering now just how good a girl 's body felt . He could definitely get used to this . He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly to him as she kissed him passionately . Even just that much was incredibly exciting for him , but he knew that there was still more to come , and a certain part of his anatomy was getting rather impatient . It didn 't help that Kelly was grinding her pelvis against his , despite both of them still completely dressed below the waist . She let go of him with one of her arms and reached down between them , fumbling with his belt while still kissing him . Her plan didn 't work , so she had to resort to sitting up in order to loosen his belt , not that Brandon minded one bit ; he enjoyed the view . It also gave him a chance to go for the belt of her jeans as well . In the end , she had to climb off of him and sit on the bed to pull down her pants , while he lifted his hips to get his off as well . Since she was already mostly off of the bed already , she stood up and dropped her panties , then stood in front of him , giving him a great view of her naked body . ( Or almost naked ; she still wore her socks ) She has a beautiful young pussy , hidden by a surprisingly thick bush for her age . Her legs were shapely and well - defined from long hours of hiking in the forest , wading in the stream , and climbing trees . There was the expected tan line halfway between her thighs and her knees ; she had apparently never outgrown the stage of wearing shorts whenever possible . Kelly didn 't go for it right away , but instead sat back down on the bed and pulled off her socks . Then she turned around and knelt beside him , staring down with glee at his briefs and what lay in store for her underneath . Brandon found himself staring right back at her . For some reason , he found the sight of her kneeling there surprisingly erotic . There was something particularly feminine and even dainty about that pose , despite the fact that the tomboyish Kelly Whitaker was the least dainty girl he knew . She leaned over him and reached out to stroke his cock through his underwear . He let out a groan at the touch , a groan both of pleasure and frustration . Even without his pants on , it still felt mighty cramped inside his briefs . Brandon laughed . " You want to know something funny ? " he asked . " I haven 't been with a woman since I gave up my wicked ways and went straight . " " Really ? " she said with a look of delight in her eyes . " Here I was worried that I wouldn 't measure up to your expectations , but as it turns out , maybe I can teach you a thing or two . The innocent little angel corrupting the bad boy . " She broke out into a fit of laughter at that . Brandon laughed too , despite being a little shocked . He didn 't know how he felt about that . On the one hand , it did mar his image of her a little bit , though not much . On the other hand , he was kind of relieved that he wouldn 't be under pressure to make everything absolutely perfect for her first time . " I 'm not a virgin , " she said . " But I 'm not exactly the most experienced either . I had a boyfriend last year and we messed around some , but it was only a few times and I broke up with him almost a year ago . That doesn 't bother you , does it ? " " Let 's just put it this way . I kind of feel protective of you , and maybe even a little possessive . If I had found out about it while it was going on , I might have had words with your boyfriend . And by words , I mean fists . But what 's done is done , and I 'm just happy that you 're here with me tonight . " " Me too , " she said , leaning down and giving him another peck on the lips . Then she sat back up and finished removing his underwear . While she was down there , she pulled off his socks too , leaving him as naked as she was . She reached for his cock again , grabbing it and slowly pumping it up and down . Brandon loved the sensation , and was eager to return the favor . He slipped his hand between Kelly 's legs , not surprised to feel moisture there . She spread her knees apart to open herself a little more to him , and he took full advantage of it . He let his fingers run all over her pussy , massaging the outer lips and especially searching for that little button at the top of the slit . It might have been a long time since he had done this , but he hadn 't lost all his knowledge of a woman 's anatomy . She sighed and closed her eyes as he fingered her , obviously enjoying the attention . He loved the feel of her , the way she was slowly loosening up and growing more damp . The last time he had done this , he was more selfish , more interested in his own pleasure than in the girl 's . He could be excused for that ; he had been a teenager and a rather wild kid . Now he discovered that there was something even more fulfilling about focusing on Kelly 's pleasure . He wanted to make her feel good . With that in mind , he decided to try something that had had never done before . When he was young , it was just a little fingering and then on to the main course . But now he realized that there was so much more that he could do for her . " Lie down , " he told her . Kelly released his cock , to his disappointment , but nothing could be done about that . She lay back on the bed , spreading her knees wide in anticipation of what he was about to do to her . Brandon started by kissing her lips , spending plenty of time there without touching any part of the rest of her body . It was intimate and sweet , and very fun , but he could tell from the tiny , almost imperceptible motions of her body that she wanted more . He was more than happy to give her what she wanted . He drew back from her lips , then kissed her on the chin . Then he moved down to the underside of her chin , and she pushed her head back to open herself up to him better . Brandon took the hint and pressed his lips to her neck , taking time to kiss her all over , including her shoulders and down to her collar bone . He had a lot of fun running his tongue along it to that dimple below her neck where the two sides met . She giggled as he licked her , partially from the sexy playfulness of the gesture but mostly from the sensual stimulation . Without his tongue even leaving her skin , he made his way to the swell of her nearest breast . Her boobs weren 't particularly big to begin with , and lying back like this tended to flatten them out , so there wasn 't much of a swell at all , but it was still plenty for him to have his fun . As his tongue inched closer to her nipple , he reached out with his other hand and grasped her other breast with it . Kelly gasped as he massaged and kneaded her gently , while at the same time his tongue traced around the other nipple . She groaned and arched her back , her body beginning to lose control . Brandon smiled , loving the fact that he was giving her that much pleasure . He continued to lick her for the longest time , hearing her breathing grow heavier , punctuated by the occasional sigh or even whimper . Again , he could have been content remaining where he was , licking and fondling her beautiful young tits , for hours . But he also wanted to take the pleasure up another notch . So ignoring her groan of protest , he left her boobs and began to kiss his way slowly down her body . He knew that groan didn 't really mean she didn 't want him to continue ; it was just a natural and reflexive reaction to he diminishing of the pleasure . No doubt she knew exactly where he was headed . Six years ago , the thought of what he was about to do might have disgusted him . He didn 't mind a girl giving him that kind of pleasure , but he had never reciprocated . But this time , focusing on Kelly rather than himself , he found himself wanting to do it . There was no disgust whatsoever . He kissed down past her rib cage , then on to her stomach , which caused her to jump and giggle . Now he remembered that she had always been ticklish there . For a moment , the devilish bad boy resurfaced , and he removed his hand from her breast to dig his fingers into her side . " Ooh , I 'm so scared ! " he taunted , laughing . But he didn 't tickle her again . He did , however , continue to kiss her . Unfortunately , the unexpected tickling had broken the spell , bringing Kelly down from her erotic high momentarily . That meant Brandon had to work harder to lift her back up . It didn 't matter ; a couple of minutes kissing her all over her stomach , especially as he started focusing more and more on the lower part , quickly caused her arousal to not just reach its previous point , but surpass it . For a while , he focused on the zone between her navel and her pubic hair , kissing and even licking her there as he listened to her panting and gasping . Then he decided that he had tortured her long enough , and moved on . He didn 't even mind the hair as he kissed his way toward that jewel between her legs . He just relaxed and enjoyed the sight , sound , smell , feel , and taste of her . She was giving off a strong odor , one that he might find a little unpleasant in other circumstances , but right now , knowing that it was from her arousal , it drove him wild with lust . Then when he reached his destination and let his tongue brush against her lips , he found that he loved the taste of her . He had been missing out , he realized . Not only was it so fun to lick her all over there , but the sounds and motions of her pleasure were very entertaining . She squirmed all over the bed , rocking her hips back and forth and sometimes even lifting them completely off the bed . Her hands took on a life of their own , sometimes flailing about above her head and sometimes gripping the bedsheets tightly . Sometimes her knees came together to squeeze his head in an almost crushing grip , sometimes they spread wider almost than he thought possible . Her panting had turned to a series of whines and whimpers with every breath . Brandon took those noises and actions as a sign that he was doing something right . He parted her lips with his thumbs and thrust his tongue inside , licking all over the soft tissue there . He licked her from the bottom of her slit to the top , and she cried out in ecstasy every time he brushed against her clit . He knew that by this time , she was more than ready for him to enter her , but he was having too much fun to stop , at least for a while . How could he have ever thought that this would be disgusting ? He couldn 't get enough of this young girl 's pussy . But he had his own needs too . Despite enjoying himself immensely , he felt those needs asserting themselves , focused between his own legs . He needed to do something about that , and soon . Ever since she had let go of him , the physical side of his lust had been building , and now that Kelly was properly warmed up , it was time to do what he had been wanting to do since opening that door tonight and seeing her standing on his doorstep . Brandon rose up from his position between her legs and knelt between them . He leaned over , and , using one hand to prop himself up above her , guided his cock toward her hot and ready opening . Kelly gasped at the first contact , then he pressed forward . She let out a loud wail as he slipped inside her , her pussy gripping his cock in its tight embrace . Brandon was not surprised that she was so tight ; she was younger than he had been the last time he had sex , and he had grown quite a bit since then . It just made the feeling all the more pleasurable , for both of them . Brandon loved the closeness and intimacy of their bodies pressed together almost as much as he loved the insanely pleasurable sensation on his cock . The softness of her body , the scent of her sweat , the sight of her face so near , the feel of her pounding heartbeat next to his own , and the sound of her heavy breathing all surrounded him , enveloping him in a cloak of arousal . He realized that this was it , this was the moment where his love for the little girl in the photograph was finally fulfilled . He had never consciously thought that it would come to this , though now that he was here , he realized that it was always meant to be this way . At first he thrust gently , wanting to take it slow and romantic so that she would enjoy it as much as he did . But then she lifted her feet and wrapped her legs around his hips , using them to pull him in even tighter . That suggested she wanted it deeper and harder , and he was more than happy to oblige . He thrust forcefully now , driving himself as deep inside her as he could possibly go . Kelly 's moans rose in pitch and volume , a sign that she loved what he was doing to her . She gripped him tightly , her fingernails actually digging into his shoulders so hard that it hurt , but he ignored the pain ; the pleasure was so intense that the pain meant nothing . He felt the passion burning within him , and knew that it was matched by the same within her . They were completely united now , the bad boy and his guardian angel , merging into one being . And yet , even in this immoral and in fact illegal act , he was not acting as the bad boy ; she was lifting him to her level . She was rewarding him for coming so far . He realized now that Kelly did not love the boy he had been , but the man that he now was . And in that , he was finding the completion of all his hard work over the past six years . Even as he pounded into her , she found his lips with her own , and they kissed each other with all of the passion that bound them together . She bit his lower lip , but carefully and gently , not enough to draw blood but just to add one more physical sensation to the already overwhelming stimulation he felt . He got her back by moving his head to the side and nibbling gently on her earlobe . Brandon enjoyed the fact that even as they committed a very much adult act , they could still playfully tease each other like children . That end was fast approaching . He was beginning the buildup to his climax , and from the sounds she was making , he realized that she was near her own peak . It was only right that they should climax together ; they were two people who were meant for each other , and the whole history of their relationship was about to be culminated in a moment . His hips increased the tempo and depth of his thrusting as they both drew close to their mutual orgasm . He felt the spiking pleasure , driving him to a level that he had all but forgotten since he had sworn off women a long time ago . Now all those memories returned in full force as he experienced it once more . Just at the fateful moment , Kelly released his shoulder with one of his hands and brought it down to his side where , despite her own climax washing over her , she managed to tickle him mercilessly . Brandon burst out laughing right in the midst of his orgasm , losing all control over himself and spurting his seed deep inside her . Kelly also laughed , and the two of them rode that wave of both pleasure and laughter over the peak and down the other side . Even as the pleasure waned , the laughter continued , despite the fact that she had tickled him only briefly . Six years of tension , six years of worry about what they thought of each other , six years of lonely separation all vanished in the relief that that laughter brought . It was just perfect ; it was just what he needed . In that laughter he found a place where those years of separation didn 't exist , where the two of them had grown up together , playing with each other as children and then loving each other as adults . In that laughter , they were not only lovers , but playmates and best friends as well . But that feeling did not die with the laughter . As Brandon rolled off of Kelly and lay beside her , as she cuddled up to him and lay her head on his chest , as he wrapped his arms around her , he knew that despite how those years had changed them both , it had not changed their relationship at all . Tomorrow they might go out in the forest looking for frogs to catch or trees to climb , just like they had done once upon a time . The two of them closed their eyes , content now just to hold each other in their arms . Yes , this was the way things were meant to be . Brandon knew now that this was what he had always wanted . No matter what what else he accomplished in life , most of all he wanted to be with his guardian angel . Kelly awoke in the morning to the smell of breakfast being cooked in the next room . Apparently Brandon was already awake . She yawned , stretched , then gathered up her clothes from the floor . She first slipped into the bathroom to take a quick shower ; Kelly was certainly not afraid of being dirty , but she hoped to quietly return to her house , slip discreetly back into her room , and pretend none of this had happened . Or if her parents caught her , she could pretend that she had woken to take an early morning walk in the forest . If she arrived home with the smell of sex on her , though , it would be obvious what she had been doing . Perhaps it had been a mistake to sleep with Brandon . Perhaps it had been a mistake to even come here . But she just couldn 't make herself feel guilty about it . What they had shared was beautiful , and so very very right . After her shower , she met Brandon in the kitchen , where he was just serving pancakes and bacon onto a couple of plates for them . She noticed with amusement that he had cooked the whole thing on a gas - powered camp stove because there was no electricity . To wash it down he had only bottled water ; a lack of electricity meant a refrigerator would do no good . Kelly didn 't mind ; it was like camping out , an activity of which she was very fond . They ate in silence , not the awkward silence of not knowing what to say but the comfortable silence of not needing to say anything . For now , it was enough to be in each other 's presence . Kelly cherished these last few minutes that she had with him ; she would have to leave soon if she planned to arrive back home before her parents awoke . Unfortunately , her plan was doomed to failure . Kelly and Brandon were just finishing their breakfast when they heard the unmistakable sound of a car pulling up to the cabin . Kelly hopped to her feet and dashed to the window to peek out . " It 's my dad ! " she exclaimed , then drew back in shock . She stared at Brandon , who stared right back at her . There was no way to hide the fact that she had spent the night here . " Then I go to prison , if he doesn 't kill me first . You 're only fifteen years old . That will get me put away for a very long time . " " Kelly , just hear me out . It 's taken me the last six years to learn that I can 't run or hide from the consequences of my actions . Sooner or later they catch up to me . I understand that now , and I accept it . I will face your father like a man . " " You gave your mother quite a shock this morning when you weren 't in your room . We 've been worried sick about you . And now we find out that you 're here with this . . . this . . . " " Don 't say something you 'll regret , " she told him . " I 'll have you know that Brandon is not the same boy who stayed with us six years ago . He 's changed . And if you 'll just give him the chance to explain himself , you would see that . " " As a matter of fact , she did , " Brandon told him . " Mr . Whitaker , sir , I want you to understand something . Your daughter is a very special girl , and I would never allow her to come to harm . If not for the good example that she showed me when I stayed with your family , I would probably be in prison right now , if not dead . " " No , but he sleeps with fifteen - year - old girls . " Then he turned back to Brandon . " You 're lucky I didn 't bring my shotgun , " he said . " As it is , you 're going to get off with a long prison sentence instead . I 'm going to call the police as soon as I get home . Have you ever heard of the phrase ' statutory rape ' ? " So there it was . He had said what they were all thinking . Their conversation cut off in an abrupt silence , emphasizing the last words he had said . It wasn 't fair , Kelly thought . Brandon had worked so hard to get where he was . He had managed to change his life for the better . For six years he had been a model of good behavior . And now , because of one mistake and one stubborn father , everything he had worked for was falling apart . Despite his courageous insistence on facing the consequences , he didn 't deserve that . Brandon and her father both stared at her . Kelly continued laughing , ignoring her father and her lover . She laughed until she had to sit down in one of the chairs , clutching her sides as tears rolled down her cheeks . She let the laughter dwindle to a mere smile . She looked her father in the eyes , and mustered up a calm and collected voice . Then Kelly Whitaker , the girl who never lied , said , " I slept on the couch . " It 's okay , she wished she could tell him . Just this once . Please don 't mess it up by doing the noble thing . I don 't want you to be noble right now . For just a moment , let the Bad Boy out . " I insisted , " Brandon replied for her . " She dropped by for a social visit , and then it started pouring down rain . I wasn 't about to throw her out in the rain like that . And as you no doubt noticed , I don 't have a car so I couldn 't drive her home . I would have called , but the phone isn 't working . You can check for yourself . " " That won 't be necessary , " said Mr . Whitaker . Then he turned back to his daughter . " But why did you sneak out at night ? " " Because you wouldn 't let me go during the daytime . You weren 't willing to give Brandon a chance . If you had just come and visited him yourself , you would have known that I would be perfectly safe in his presence . He was a perfect gentleman the whole time . " " No need , " Brandon smiled . " I can 't fault you for trying to protect Kelly . I would do the same thing if I had a daughter . And I 'll be the first to admit that the situation looks a little suspicious . " " But after that week 's over , " he added in a softer tone , " if you want to visit Brandon again , I have no objections . Now come on . Let 's get you home so your mother can stop worrying . " " Sure . I 'll be out in the car . " Her father turned around , then paused . Then he turned to face Brandon again . " As for you , would you like to have dinner with us tonight ? We have some steaks sitting in the freezer waiting for a special occasion , and celebrating your return is as good as any . I 'd be happy to drive by and pick you up , say around six . " " I know what you 're going to say , " she told him . " Something about not hiding from the consequences anymore . You don 't want me to lie to protect you . Well , last time something like this happened , you had nothing to lose . Now you have nothing to gain , and everything to lose . So maybe in this one instance it 's better to break the rules . " Kelly blushed . She threw her arms around him , hugging him tightly , though she refrained from giving him a goodbye kiss in case her father could see them through the window . Then she smiled , turned , and left the house . She climbed into the car next to her dad . She didn 't like keeping a secret from him , but it had to be done , for everyone 's sake . As they pulled out of the driveway , Kelly glanced back and saw Brandon smiling at them from the front door . Ooohh , yes yet again daddycums makes debbiecum , what a fuckin fantastic story ( excuse my french ! ) The emotion you created and the sex scene made me breathless , loved it from beginning to end . I think Im addicted to your stories , well off to read more and hope they can give me orgasm # 4 today , well what can I sayIm always horny and your a great writer , a great collaboration ! ! ! Xxx Luvsalik . Ooohh , yes yet again daddycums makes debbiecum , what a fuckin fantastic story ( excuse my french ! ) The emotion you created and the sex scene made me breathless , loved it from beginning to end . I think Im addicted to your stories , well off to read more and hope they can give me orgasm # 4 today , well what can I sayIm always horny and your a great writer , a great collaboration ! ! ! Xxx Luvsalik .

I hugged my briefcase as we sat down in a corner of the bar . My eyes were no longer drawn to the unusual individuals that were laughing , drinking and chatting . Instead , my gaze was on Maddie , who was now sipping a green drink in a glass that was shaped like a flower . " Why all the questions ? Why am I supposed to be ready to answer questions . What does any of that have to do with getting out of here ? " " Right . It 's a journey . But a journey to what ? Where am I going ? Home ? Because that 's the only place I want to go to . " " Yes , but are you willing to get there , that 's the question . You said you were , but you 're not . Otherwise you would be by now . " Her voice had gotten softer , like the melody of a broken song . " They were , but just like decorations , at some point it all becomes one with the room . It blends in like it 's the most natural thing in the world . And maybe it is . Maybe it 's survival . Or acceptance . " " Are we there yet ? " I asked after what felt like an hour of walking . All this while my thoughts had taken a seat in my head and refused to leave . I hadn 't even realised Maddie had been whistling a tune . I rubbed my forehead and paused my thoughts for the moment . She stopped whistling as quickly as she stopped in her tracks . She turned around and took a step closer to me . Personal space was not a concept to her because our noses were almost touching . " Excellent , " she said loudly and dashed backwards . We had reached the bottom of a hill , where a large , broad willow stood . Its branches reached to the ground as if it was too sad to lift them to the sky . The tree grumbled something as if contemplating his answer . Then silence returned to the woods . One fly buzzed past me and hovered in front of the tree before doing the same with Maddie . She kept staring at the tree . " Yes . He . May . Pass . " The tree spoke slowly , interrupting any other thoughts I would have had about the fly that turned into yellow dust . " Take care . " I smiled and started walking up the sandy , dark path as I felt Maddie 's eyes on my back . It wasn 't until I reached the top when I turned around and all the orange trees had gone out below me and there was only a sea of darkness that had swallowed my peculiar friend . There was a well on top of the hill and the full moon shone enough light for me to see things clearly enough . Like the short grass that surrounded the well and the one flower that stood a few feet away from me . It was a tulip . They had been her favourite . I walked up to the well , feeling that this is where it would all begin . Or end , rather . I put down the briefcase on the bricked edge and took off the ribbon . Then I placed the briefcase on the soft grass and rested one hand on the cold stones of the well as I leaned forward and stared into nothing but black . It felt like it was staring back at me . And I wanted to see it , even though I also didn 't want to see it . I let go of the ribbon . " Forgive me . " The darkness swallowed the ribbon but I knew it was still descending , I knew it was getting closer and then I closed my eyes . When I opened them again I was at home . The home I had lived in with her and I looked at the calendar which hung above the bin in the country - style kitchen . It was that day . Today was that day . I heard her hum as she came down the stairs , always that same tune , that tune that I had missed so much . I felt the tears well up and blinked repeatedly so I could see her clearly when she waltzed into the room . And when she did I couldn 't help but shriek and run over to her , clinging to her tightly , inhaling her lavender scent and touch her golden hair that reached between her shoulder blades . " Yeah , I 'm fine , sorry . " I cleared my throat and let her go as I stared into her light - blue eyes that searched mine with curiosity and concern . Her eyes had been the clearest thing about her I 'd remembered , I 'd see those every night as I woke up from my nightmare . I touched her cheek . " I 've missed you . " And I kissed her hard and soft at the same time . When I pulled back there was even more confusion written on her face . " Are you sure you 're okay ? You know I just saw you when I woke up , right ? " Her mouth unfolded into a smile and I held her close again . I swallowed and felt like somewhere inside my stomach I was being set on fire . " Err , are you sure that you want to go ? Maybe you can stay home and - " my voice trailed off . I knew these words wouldn 't help . This wasn 't a second chance , this was a second viewing . Front row seat . A chance to say what I needed to say , a chance to see it very clearly . " No , no , I can 't do that . I have a very important day , I told you . " She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek . She then grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and tucked it into her bag . " I 'll see you tonight , have a nice day . " The fire in the pit of my stomach grew wider . " Wait . " I followed her to the door where she had her coat over her arm and my car keys in her hand . " What are you talking about ? You really did have a bad dream , didn 't you ? " She frowned and handed me her coat and the car keys . " Hold this . " From her hair wrist she undid a pink ribbon and she bent down next to the stairs where my briefcase was . She tied the ribbon around the handle and stood back up . " There , it 's a lucky ribbon and it will keep your nightmares and worries at bay . " She kissed me on my lips and grabbed the coat and the keys . " Now I really have to go or I 'll be super late . " " Don 't worry , it 's not your fault . Sometimes things just happen . It 's called bad luck . " She waved at me before the door closed behind her . " It 's not my fault , " I repeated and closed my eyes . " It just happened . " The next images that flew through my mind were of the phone call , the hospital , the doctor , the funeral . And finally there was nothing but black around me . My eyes were closed . I lifted my eyelids as they fluttered against the harsh lights of the carriage . Outside the window was the familiar sign that indicated I had arrived at my local train station . " I 'm home , " I yelled with unexpected enthusiasm . I got up and ran out while the doors were still open . It was like the train had been waiting for me . The doors closed soon after I stood on the platform and I embraced the chilly breeze that swept right through me . We walked for a whole minute in total silence when Maddie began to hum a tune . She even added a little hop every once in a while . All the while I thought about what I could say to her , what I could ask her , but somehow all the words in my head crashed into each other and became a tangled mess . I looked at Maddie who had placed her slender claw - like fingers on her chin . " It seems like a riddle , don 't you think ? Something that can trick you before your eye can blink . " She laughed like a broken violin again . Maddie 's lips burst into a smile , this time revealing her teeth as white as bone . " Whatever you say , my friend . Your way is my way and therefore always the right way . " I curled my hands into fists . " Okay , this is too weird and I can 't take it anymore . I don 't care what happens . I don 't care if you 're a crazy serial killer that wants to kill me , but just tell me where I am , how I got here and who you are ! " I breathed heavily and became aware of the red ribbon that danced against my wrist because of the breeze that rushed through these woods . " My , my , why didn 't you tell me you were scared , I don 't want you to think I never cared . " She placed her hand in front of her mouth . " Oops , once you start rhyming it 's hard to stop . " She put her fingers together and started to pace around me . " Well , it 's kind of your place . And kind of mine . It 's like your subconscious is visiting my world . Only it 's not really your subconscious , you are in fact really here . But your part of this world is made up out of your subconscious . And now we get to try and bring you home . " " Most definitely . This world is a journey , not a destination . " Maddie touched the rim of her hat . " The question is , which way do you want to go ? " She pointed to the signs . " Something like that . " Maddie gestured to the left path and then to the right . She held up her hands like a scale and moved them up and down . " Which one is the right one , George ? " The shrubs rustled and rustled like something huge was trying to come through . I was afraid to speak and held my briefcase in front of my chest . Whatever it was , I would fight it . I would make it - We both followed the deer off the trail to a small pond and a large oak tree with a door . The deer stopped at the pond and turned to me . " Normal reflections show you the opposite of what is true , but here it shows you the opposite of what is false . " With that statement the young deer dashed off and disappeared between the shrubbery and trees . I looked at the oak tree and its door , the pond and back at Maddie . " What did the deer mean ? " I scratched my head . " Never thought I 'd say that in my life . " " I really think you should . You 'll get it back as soon as you 're done . I 'll guard it with my life , if that 's what you want . " This made the muscles in my neck relax as I stepped closer to the pond and kneeled . I looked into my reflection , but didn 't see anything . Just the clear water that reflected some of the light behind me . I leaned in closer and just before I was ready to turn back to Maddie a hand shot up from the water , grabbed me by the face and pulled me in . I tried to scream and flung my arms and legs . Nothing happened and I could still breathe . When I opened my eyes , I was sitting in an office with a sofa , bookcases , a mahogany desk and diplomas on the wall . " It is , because it troubles you so . Sharing is caring . Why don 't you tell me what 's beneath the surface ? " His voice was heavy and his eyes light . I wanted to protest and shout , but instead I blinked a few times and sat back into the sofa . My limbs began to feel heavier . " I don 't now … she 's gone . She left me . " " I don 't know . I don 't remember . She was just gone one day , all her stuff was still there , her scent was still there , but she never came back to me . I don 't know why . I don 't know why . " " Hmm . " The man scribbled some more . " Are you sure you don 't remember ? I think you do , you just have to open that door . " I blinked and stared at it , unsure if it was real or just my imagination . I looked back at the man , but he 'd disappeared . The entire office had disappeared and there was nothing but me and that door . The door hummed . I stretched out my hand and touched the door handle . The door started vibrating and I pulled my hand away . The moment I did I was launched backwards , feeling the cold air around me before hitting the ground but instead of embracing a rush of pain , the ground lowered under my weight and then shot me back up like a trampoline . I waved my arms in the air and somehow managed to land on my feet , but this time the ground stayed as it was . " Holy hell , " I said . I felt my arms and stomach to make sure I wasn 't hurt and then glanced around for Maddie . She was nowhere to be seen , but the door in the tree was ajar . I walked around the pond and edged closer to the door . My hand trembled as I grabbed the door knob , what would I find this time ? Inside the tree were a few wooden steps that led downstairs to a big place that looked like a bar of some sort . Strings with white - coloured lights hung up on the wooden ceiling and the place was packed with strange - looking people . A woman dressed in a yellow dress with actual flowers at the bottom and butterflies in her hair . She had green lipstick on and her eyes were purple . She winked at me as she passed me . I scanned the people at a nearby table , taking in the snake that was wrapped around the neck of silver - haired woman when Maddie 's distinct laughter drew my gaze to the bar . She was talking to a man who only had one eye in the middle of his head . My briefcase was placed on the seat next to her . I sighed with relief and dashed towards it . She looked up , her eyes widening as she saw me . " George , you made it back . That 's too bad , you seemed like you might be ready . " She took a sip of her drink . " Oh , well , I suppose the journey continues then . First , I 'll get you a drink . You 're gonna need one . " " Heads , we get married ; tails , we break up . " I held the coin in my trembling hand . Our lucky coin . The one that had brought us together . Would it keep us together forever or force us apart this time ? I flipped the coin . It seemed to twirl in the air in slow motion , taunting us . For a brief moment our eyes met , a hint of fear and hope in her pine green eyes . My mind transported me to the moment we first met . It was a Tuesday afternoon and the weather indicated that the Gods were angry . Rain was pouring down like it intended to drown us . The sound of thunder struck all the way through to my bones . The windscreen wipers were working hard to fight off the smashing raindrops that attempted to disrupt my vision of the small country road that I was on . Wipe , wipe , wipe . The road was muddy and I was driving too fast . My knuckles were white . Perhaps if I drove fast enough I could escape it all . Can you outrun your problems ? Can you outrun your life ? It was too late when I saw the dark green Mini Cooper parked at the side of the road . I jerked on the steering wheel and hit the break at the same time . The car slipped and ended up against the wooden gate that set apart the paddock . Smoke came from the bonnet and I tried starting the car again without success . When I glanced back , the green Mini Cooper was still parked , unharmed . The rain made it hard to make out , but I saw a person in red . Vicious raindrops settled in the fabric of my black suit and travelled over the pores of my face . I slammed the door and came from behind my car . A slushing sound as my leather shoes got sucked into the mud . " I know , don 't go with strangers right ? Tell you what , let 's flip a coin for it . Heads is you go with me ; tails is we go our separate ways . " She grabbed a coin from her purse and handed it to me . " It 's my lucky coin . Go ahead . " A smile grew on her face . In one swift motion Yumi Yoshida turned around . There was nothing to see , the car park was empty except for her Yamaha motorcycle and one dark Mercedes . She heard the sound of a howling dog again . It sounded like it came from the adjoining park . If you could even call it that , it was just trees and a sea of grass stretched out as far as the eye could see . Nothing but total darkness surrounded the car park and the pub she was heading towards . Yumi turned back and kept her eyes on the pub . She had been here before to check out the place , but she hadn 't yet been inside . The ice cold wind caused her to shiver and she quickened her pace . She could hear the rapid tapping sound of her high heels on the pavement that was still wet from the rain earlier that evening . She brushed her hair out of her face and checked her watch . It was exactly midnight . A few lampposts poorly lit up the car park . From a distance it would seem like the pub and car park were floating in darkness , like a miniscule planet floating in space . Walking in an empty car park towards a pub that was situated on a hill in the middle of nowhere at midnight may have sparked fear in any woman in her late twenties but not in Yumi Yoshida . She was the kind of woman who could handle herself . She had moved to London from Kyoto when she was ten and ever since she turned eighteen she had been moving around the country doing what she did best . She reached the back of the establishment and stepped into a red telephone box that was placed at the left corner . There was an old , wet newspaper on the floor with a distorted picture of some child , and the phone was hanging off the hook . It smelled like urine and coffee . Yumi picked the phone up by the cord and took out a handkerchief to clean the phone before putting it to her ear . A brief moment later she stepped out of the telephone box and walked to the front of the building . She stopped to look inside . It was a small pub with bad lighting . The radio was playing popmusic in the background . Behind the bar stood a middle aged bartender cleaning a couple of beerglasses , she couldn 't see his face . In the reflection of the window , she saw her long , dark hair frame her face . Her long fringe covered her eyebrows and beneath the dark strands she could see her lightblue contacts . She only ever put them in when she had to work . She stepped inside and smelled fish , chips and grease . She walked straight on to the only other person sitting in the pub . His back was turned towards her . " Is this seat taken ? " she asked and sat down without awaiting a reply . " Go ahead , " said the man and pushed his glasses back . It was a man in his thirties with short , sandy hair and hazelnut eyes . He wore a grey suit with a deep - purple shirt and violet tie . " You must be … " He looked down at his coffee and moved in his chair . He then loosened his tie before he spoke again , somewhat softer than before . " Her name is Heather and here 's her picture . " From his breast pocket he took a picture and slid it to her side of the table . Yumi picked it up and saw it was a picture of them together , holding each other and smiling , happy and unaware . They seemed so at ease , so at home with each other no matter where they would be . How could it have come to this ? There is no such thing as true , unconditional love , except maybe with babies and dogs . She couldn 't help but wonder if it meant that the smarter you are , the less you become capable of loving . Yumi snorted . The man looked up . " I got it , " she said and wanted to slide the picture back but the man said : " No , keep it . I don 't need it anymore . " He then finished his coffee and they sat in silence for a moment . Yumi was observing him and couldn 't help but think he didn 't seem like the type of man who was capable of doing any harm . Usually she could tell for sure , and if she couldn 't she had time to shadow someone , but in this case everything had gone so fast . It seemed understandable considering the case . " No , I don 't . I 'm good at what I do , which means people are willing to pay for something I can give them . It 's that simple . " She just tapped her fingers on the table . It didn 't make a sound though , because she was still wearing her gloves . She narrowed her eyes at him . He had a frown on his face and was unconsiously tapping his indexfinger on his watch . " Life really is all about money , isn 't it ? " His voice sounded gentle . Yumi remained silent . He got up to go to the lavatory and excused himself . Yumi leaned back and let out a sigh . She still had the picture in her hand and looked at it again . She was actually thankful for the life she had , at least she had the chance to do something meaningful . After a couple of minutes she saw Mr . Stone coming out of the lavatory and got up . She gestured towards the exit and dropped a twenty pound note at the bar . Then she walked towards the door with Mr . Stone on her heels . Together they walked past the building back to the car park . Yumi closed her eyes when the cold wind struck against her face . She had kept on her leather jacket and gloves inside , which made the drop in temperature very welcome . " You said both was fine , but I brought cash with me . I figured that would be harder to trace , " Mr . Stone suddenly explained . He unlocked the car with his key fob as they nearly reached it . Yumi looked around and noticed it was still as deserted as when she had arrived . The car was right beneath a lamppost and when Mr . Stone opened a briefcase in the trunk she could clearly see all the money in it . " Half up front and after , right ? " He grimaced . Not in an evil way , but more like he was disguising his discomfort . He put his hand in his jacket and Yumi automatically reached for her gun . He took out a picture and handed it to her . It was the picture of a little boy . He had brown hair and freckles and his broad smile showed he was missing two front teeth . " Yes , he died a few months ago . My wife has always treated him very poorly , without me knowing . I was always at work and even though I noticed he was mostly quiet , I thought it was because he missed his mother . But then I found his diary and even though his death was technically an accident , I can 't help but feel she 's responsible . I can 't even look at her anymore and I don 't remember the last time I said more than a sentence to her . " Everything happened fast from that moment on . She 'd taken her knife and cut the palm of his hand . Following her instructions he had held his hand over the front seat of his car . He had put his tie around his hand to stop the blood from spilling on the ground . He left his car keys in the ignition and only took the briefcase . It didn 't matter if his wife thought she 'd taken the money . Now , he had a chance to start over . Yumi took a deep breath before stepping out in the cold wind . Her black hair moved fiercely in front of her face , dancing . She ripped up the picture of the happy couple and the wind blew away the pieces into the darkness . It all happened on my first day of school … as a teacher . I was extremely nervous and worst of all … late . Late for my first day of work ! Who would be late for their first day of work ? ! Well , I was , obviously . Anyway , I 'll start at the beginning to make sure I leave nothing out , and trust me ; you 'd want to know everything … Putting on my coat , I hurried down the steps outside my house . I still had an apple in my mouth . The only breakfast I had . But I 'd worry about that later . I had to get to school . This was my first job , I couldn 't mess it up now . I hadn 't even begun . I crossed Lancaster Road , after finally having put on my coat . I meant to take my apple out of my mouth , instead I dropped my school bag . I sighed and bent down to pick it up . Suddenly I heard a rattling sound and looked up . It was a car . A car heading towards me . Hadn 't the driver seen me ? Before I could even move I heard a bang . It went way too fast . All I remembered was the sound of me getting hit by the car and before I knew it , I was lying on the floor and the apple was rolling on the street . I woke up in hospital , and when I realised where I was I sat up straight . I felt my head and looked at my hands , moved my legs , which moved , and said my name out loud . Everything still worked . I felt great , actually . How could I feel great ? I got hit by a car ! " Mr . Lawson ? " asked a voice . It was the doctor . At least I thought it was , because he was wearing one of those white coats and a stethoscope . Besides , how else could he know my name ? Half an hour later I walked out of the hospital . I couldn 't believe I had survived a hit and run . I couldn 't believe I had even been in one . No bruises . No cuts . Nothing . They probably wouldn 't believe my story at school . Or maybe I shouldn 't mention I got hit by a car . Say that I saw someone else get hit . No . No lies on my first day of work . I was nearly there and I couldn 't stop thinking about the accident . It had happened so fast and I couldn 't believe the car had driven on . After hitting me ! What kind of car was it anyway ? Had I seen the driver ? I looked at the road and watched the cars pass by . My heart stopped for a second when I saw a blue car . I suddenly remembered the car had been blue ! Dark blue to be more specific . The doctor had asked me if I wanted to press charges and I had even spoken with the police , but they couldn 't help since I didn 't remember anything . Now I did . I couldn 't go now though , I 'd had to go after work . If I still had work to go to . I arrived two hours late and walked straight to the headmaster 's office . I had met him only once ; when I got hired . It had been a brief meeting , since they had needed someone quickly and I was the first one to apply . I knocked on the door . " Enter , " he said loud and firmly . When I walked in , the headmaster looked up from his desk . His expression changed immediately , he looked somewhat nervous and pale . " Er , why are you so l … late ? " he asked while fumbling with his tie . " Well , that certainly is a surprise . You better get to work then , English isn 't going to teach itself . The kids were already put to work by someone else , but you can take over now . " He stood up and reached the door in a few strides . " I have an important lunch date now . If you need anything … Well , the hospital is nearby as you already know . A colleague will cover for you if necessary . " Heading in the direction of my classroom , I walked past the entrance and saw the headmaster getting in his car . I suddenly stopped and , for a moment , I think my heart did too . I recognised the car . There was even a slight dent in the bonnet , or so it seemed . It was a dark blue Opel Corsa . I remembered . I even remembered the reflection of the driver 's glasses as he sat behind the wheel . The headmaster , my boss , wore glasses . He had that car . That same car . He hit me . He hit me and then ran . My legs were shaking , my head was spinning . I wasn 't feeling too well . I saw spots , it got dark . I passed out . Right then and there . I fell , fainted , hit the floor , lay there . I heard a piercing , ringing sound next to my ear . Because of the rough awakening I nearly fell out of bed . I was sweating and my heart was racing . I stopped my alarm clock and looked at the time and date . I sighed with relief and started laughing . It was all a dream . Very vivid , but just a dream . However , I was running late and quickly got dressed . I took my stuff and grabbed an apple . I quickly put on my coat and walked out the door . I looked at my watch . Still on time . It had been just a dream . I had nearly reached the street where I got hit in the dream . I took a bite of my apple and looked at the sky . It was going to be a wonderful day , I was sure of it . At that moment I heard a big bang . I looked ahead . A man was lying on the ground . A car quickly drove away . I could hear the screeching tires . It was the car from my dream . It was my boss ' car … in my dream . What could that mean ? It had been just a dream , right ? People were gathering around the man . Some were calling for an ambulance . I couldn 't watch . I quickly walked by and started running . I had to get to work . For several reasons . When I got there , I was out of breath . I suddenly heard someone coming in my direction . I looked to the left . The headmaster hurried past me . He walked so fast I didn 't get a chance to greet him . Not that I could have if I had wanted to , I was still trying to catch my breath . I walked to the left and looked at the cars . A red car , a green car , a dark blue car . A dark blue Opel Corsa . A dark blue Opel Corsa with a dent in the bonnet .

August 31 , 2011homemaking , marriage , parentingAvivah >> I am really struggling in my life with my relationship with a few people . I will have to say my nature finds it much easier to write them off and be done with them , but I don 't think that 's the right thing . I know that I don 't have to be best friends with these people or even spend a lot of time with them , but I really struggle with my anger and frustration with them . I had to work hard to find peace of mind about this situation - I don 't think this is something a person can resolve at a core level without the willingness to go beyond one 's emotional comfort zone , and though I 've made a lot of progress , I think I 'll continue to be faced with challenges in this arena that will push me to grow to a higher level of acceptance for her . What I 'm sharing is what I 've found helpful , but very much isn 't coming from someone who has ' arrived ' ; I have to consciously work to detach when thoughts about what 's been said come into my mind . With the Jewish month of Elul just begun , a unique time in which introspection and self - improvement is a focus , it seems like an especially good time to share some thoughts on this issue . Additionally , I received two calls on this same issue in the last few weeks , and I think this is something that most of us have to grapple with at some time in our lives . - I 've found it helpful to realize that it 's really not about me and what I do or don 't do , even if that 's what is being expressed . It 's about the person and their pain . I have a tendency to think that if I just try hard enough , it can be worked out . Sometimes you really have done something to hurt someone and an amends is in order , but sometimes , nothing you do will make the situation better . In this case , I tried to empathize with her pain , then move on . - ' What kind of person do I want to be ? ' This is something I repeatedly asked myself when deciding how to respond to hurtful comments . I sometimes felt a strong desire to respond in kind to what was done / said to me , but that would have been moving away from the person I hope to one day be . - Don 't let others keep you from seeing the beauty in yourself . When people are critical and judgmental of you , it can cause you to doubt yourself , to start to think that you really are the cause of the problems or difficulties that they claim are your fault . They are entitled to their opinions , but they don 't have the right to keep you from shining your light out . - Pray for them . If you don 't feel like doing this ( I didn 't ) , pray for the desire to pray for them . Prayer is very powerful and whether it consciously affects them or not , it changes your feelings inside of being a victim of their actions to being a person who rises above that . A simple but powerful prayer that I first read in a book by Kay Sheppard is , " Bless them , change me " . Ask for help in responding appropriately , for using this as a positive growth experience . - Look for the good in them . Everyone has positive qualities . Find them , and focus on them . It doesn 't take away the pain of dealing with difficult people , but it keeps you from being consumed by bitterness . The more we focus on finding light , the more darkness we can push away . As returning citizens , we have to pay a fee of almost 10 , 000 shekels per person over the age of 18 in order to restart our insurance . Thanks to a recently passed law that is of two year duration - and our move to Israel falls out in this period of time - this money is fully refunded , half immediately and the other half in a year . Once this money is paid , we can then sign up for a health fund . You wouldn 't think it would be so hard to pay this money , but we 've been to that office three times and still no luck ! Today I was initially told that we have to establish our residency before they 'll take our money ( afterward I was told they 'd take our money - as if they were doing us a favor - but it still wouldn 't help us get insurance ) . I told her that we 've repeatedly established our residency with the Israeli embassy , whatever Israeli ministry handled the approval for our tickets as returning citizens , the Ministry of Absorbtion and the Ministry of the Interior here in Israel - so since we have documentation of all that , isn 't it enough ? No . We need to redocument everything for this particular office , but this time they 're insisting on proof of enrollment of the kids in school before we can establish our residency . This isn 't so simple since none of the kids ages 12 and under are going to school . ( Earlier I wrote I would be putting some of the kids in school , but back in May we decided otherwise ; I 've been wanting to share with you about how I came to that decision but haven 't had time . ) I still have to file for an approval from the Israeli government to homeschool , but this hasn 't been on the top of my list ; I 'm trying to get the most basic things taken care of . Tomorrow I 'm going to the local girls high school to sign up dd15 and dd16 , and I 'm already feeling under the gun about homeschooling because the principal is insisting on putting the girls back a grade because they 've never been in school before . If I had been mentally prepared for her asking for transcripts and records , I would have handled it differently and sidestepped this issue without mentioning homeschooling , but what 's done is done . Tomorrow the girls will be tested and I 'll discuss their grade placement with the principal in person ( so far we 've only talked on the phone ) because holding them back isn 't my idea of what would be beneficial to them , and I 'll refuse to enroll them if it comes to that . We couldn 't find a schwarma shop , which is what we wanted , so we finally settled on a pizza place . There was a young couple there with two young children , and as we were getting ready to leave , I noticed the little girl , maybe four years old , was crying for her mother . So I went over to see what was wrong and - her parents had left the pizza shop and forgotten her behind . I went out to the busy street to find them , hoping I would remember what they looked like , but no luck . Meanwhile , I was reassuring their little girl that we 'd find them soon and not to worry . I went back to the pizza shop and asked the owners if he remembered what the parents looked like , and he told me they were driving a red car . I went back out , along with someone else who by then had gotten concerned about the situation , and spotted a red car about a block away . The other woman pushed the little girl in that direction and told her to run to her car , but I was uncomfortable abdicating responsibility without seeing an adult actively taking charge of her so I stayed to keep an eye on her . A moment later , her mother came driving up and her father came from somewhere else and spoke to her . The other person grasped what happened before I did , and told me : they hadn 't accidentally forgotten her . They told her it was time to leave , but she didn 't want to go . So they purposely left without her , while the father stood out of sight in a nearby storefront to keep an eye on her . Regarding the backdrop of this mini - drama , we weren 't in a quiet residential neighborhood . We were in a very , very busy area by a four lane highway , and besides the obvious safety concerns , it would have frightened someone much older to have been left in an unfamiliar place like that . I have a four year old and can only imagine how terrified he would have been in that situation . When I realized that the father must have seen me walking back and forth searching for her parents with her crying next to me , but stayed hidden so he could teach his daughter a lesson , I was furious . I 'm a strong proponent of showing kids you mean what you say , following through , etc , but there 's a way to do it , and this wasn 't it . To traumatize a young child like this and purposely let her think she was abandoned is horrific . I walked away when I saw the little girl was with her parents , but by the time I was half a block away , I was so upset about this situation that I strongly regretted that I hadn 't told her parents my thoughts on their misguided approach to parenting and discipline . I really try not to be judgmental of what I see when I 'm out - all of us are sometimes tired and cranky , and it 's not fair to judge people based on what might not be a typical parenting scenario for them . But in this case , I felt very , very strongly that they had chosen a damaging approach to teach a lesson , and the lesson learned probably wasn 't quite the one they thought they were teaching . Children deeply need the security of knowing that their parents are there for them , will protect them and love them no matter what . And as a parent , this isn 't an easy thing to consistently communicate . But choosing a disciplinary approach like this is to actively teach a child that her parents can 't be trusted to be there for her . Even as an adult , when people you 're depending on let you down , you 're going to be more reserved and cautious before making yourself vulnerable with them again . From their behavior in the pizza shop , I think these were nice people , definitely well - intended . I 'm positive they only wanted to show their daughter that she needed to listen to them when they told her something . Sometimes we don 't have have accurate information or good advice to guide us , and we make sad mistakes like this . August 21 , 2011aliyahAvivah Sunday is a work day here in Israel , so that morning I was prepared to get a lot done . Dh and I went to the municipality with dd16 and ds18 ( we thought afterward we 'd be going to the Ministry of the Interior and they 'd need to get their ID cards ) , but after I took a number , I told the kids to go home rather than spend their time waiting around . After a while , our real estate agent met us there , and about the time our number was called , the seller 's real estate agent met us as well . We explained that we were there to transfer the water bill into our name , and after doing some checking on the computer , the clerk told us that the seller or someone he gave power of attorney needed to be there in order to complete this . I thought this meant we 'd need to come back another day , since the seller couldn 't come and the attorney who had his power of attorney was in Russia . But I didn 't take into account having an Israeli real estate agent there , who cajoled , demanded , cajoled , insisted , produced unhelpful paperwork to prove his point , insisted it was helpful paperwork … . and after a very , very long time there , we got the account transferred from the tenant 's name into the seller 's name . But not transferred to our name . At the end of all of this , I asked the clerk if I had even needed to be there for all of this , and she said , no , but I 'd need to come back again to get my part taken care of ! I raised my eyebrows at her and smilingly told her that I had a lot of things I could have been taking care of , and this secular , immodestly dressed young woman told me , " Think of it as a chesed ( act of kindness ) that you did for the tenants . " I love that . We finally left to the office , and it was hard not to notice the grumbling of the people who had been sitting there waiting for us to finish our business , but from there dh went home , and I went with the real estate agents to transfer the next account . Our agent dropped me off together with the seller 's agent , and we walked together to the gas company . When we got there , the meter reading we had from the tenant didn 't match any numbers on the account , so the agent called the tenant , told her to check the meter again and call him back . In the meantime , he told me we could go to the electric company to get that bill transferred . So we walked over there - fortunately , the electric company was only about a block from the gas company , and got things transferred there . That was almost relatively smooth , except the person who was processing this had a problem with her computer , so we had to start all over with someone else in another office . But it got done . Then we headed back to the gas company , where he gave the corrected meter reading , and I was told I 'd have to pay the seller 250 shekels as a deposit ( apparently he put it down when he opened the account , so now he needed it back ) as well as an additional transfer fee . After I paid for this , we completed the paperwork . Off the agent went , and I decided since I was in the area , to stop in at the phone company and find out about their pricing . After waiting at yet another office , I spoke to a very pleasant woman and was somewhat disappointed to learn there are no plans that have unlimited calling . I made a list of all the choices , none of which really appealed to me , to take back home to discuss with dh . I asked how long it would take to get a line and internet hookup , and was surprised to hear it would take over a week . So I mentally resolved to check out another provider . Then , because I was still in the area : ) , I thought I 'd do a bit of shopping at the store nearby that has kosher chickens . I didn 't have ten shekels on me to get a shopping cart , but had taken a recyclable cloth bag with me , so I loaded it up with the sale items and headed to the checkout . When the clerk told me the total , I told her that none of the sale prices had registered . She was surprised and initially told me it couldn 't be , but then she checked the receipt and realized I was right . She said it was because I only bought sale items , and I couldn 't get the same prices without buying at least 50 shekels of non sale items . And since some of what I bought didn 't count as sale items , I just had to spend another 22 shekels , and she casually flicked her hand at a bag of overpriced chocolates and suggested I grab them . Um , no . That 's not how I shop . Off I went to find something else to buy , but I was quite tired by now - it was mid afternoon and I hadn 't eaten lunch or had anything to drink for hours , and had been walking back and forth in the sun from office to office . ( I didn 't know how long I was going to be out or I would have been more prepared - the initial plan was that one agent was going to drive us from office to office . ) All I could find was salt , which didn 't help to raise my total since it was under two shekels , so I told her to cancel my order and I 'd just get a couple of things . As she did this , I saw that the sale turkey I bought wasn 't registering as a sale price , and I asked if I could get more turkey towards the 22 shekels . Sure , she said . Don 't ask me the logic of some sale prices counting and some not counting , I still don 't know how to figure this in to my shopping . So I got some turkey , came back , rang it up , added in the sale items ( packages of split peas , wheat , and barley ) , and got ready to pay . But now the sale prices were only coming off of some of the sale items , not all of them . ' Why ? ' , I inquire ? Hmm , she 's not sure herself what 's going on . Then she tells me it 's because after all of that , I 'm only allowed to buy 6 of the sale items . I was really tired by this point , and thought to myself this was way too many hoops to jump through to save 15 shekels ( which is less than five dollars ) . I only bought the fifty shekels worth of items because because I thought I could stock up at the sale price on the other items and it would be worth it ! Lesson learned : pay close attention to the fine print on the sales flyer . I paid the bill , then headed home on the bus with my extremely heavy bags of stuff . When I finally arrived home , I was too tired to eat or even drink a cup of water . Instead , I conked out on my sleeping bag for a couple of hours . Errands take a lot more energy and time here - but doing them is part of the experience of being here ! August 20 , 2011aliyahAvivah On my first morning here , Friday , I got up early with the early risers and took four kids out for a walk at 5 : 50 am - I didn 't want to disturb the neighbor below us with their early wake up . As we walked down the street , ds3 was excited to discover that just a couple buildings away from us is a park ! So ds9 and I sat on the bench and chatted while the littles played . Ds12 had his rollerblades on , and when we got to the park he asked if he could explore on his own , which I agreed to . He ended up having his own adventure meeting an Israeli policeman , which he told us about later at breakfast . After breakfast , I walked to the municipality ( which is fortunately a very short walk from our new home ) , so that I could get there by 8 : 30 when they opened , to be first in line . ( Remember , I was told to take care of switching the accounts for the water , etc that morning since the offices were closed the afternoon before . ) I waited and waited , until finally I realized they weren 't going to open . Why ? Because it 's Friday , and government offices don 't open on Friday ! I headed back home , stopping in at the one kosher bakery in town on the way back and picked up some challahs for Shabbos . ( I felt very accomplished finding out which bakery was the one to go to - the little things matter a lot when you don 't know where anything is ! ) We were invited to a bris that morning , and I debated about going or not - on one hand , I wanted to be there to share in the celebration of the family . On the other hand , all the stores here close by 2 pm on Fridays , and there would be very little time after getting home from the bris to buy the food we needed . There aren 't any kosher take - out places here in Karmiel , and we didn 't even know where we could buy groceries , let alone how to get there . ( In a religious neighborhood , you can buy food just about anywhere , but there are challenges here not found in religious neighborhoods . ) So I really needed every bit of time I had to figure things out . But we opted to attend the bris and have a very , very simple Shabbos , so we got the kids dressed and ready to go . On our way out of our building , I saw a neighbor , so I smiled and introduced myself . She curtly said , " Nice to meet you " , and since she didn 't introduce herself , I asked her for her name . She abruptly told me , then with a sour face said , " I know you just moved but you made a terrible amount of noise last night . I hope it 's not always going to be like this . " I told her I was sorry if we disturbed her ( wondering what made so much noise , since the kids went to sleep at a reasonable hour and only one of the older girls and I were up ) , and explained we had just come from the US a half a day before , and it would take some time for the jet lag to pass but we would try to be aware of noise . She then burst out , " What a shame you moved here , you should have gone somewhere else where there are religious people ! You know , this isn 't a religious neighborhood . It 's going to bother you and you 'll be unhappy here . " I was slightly taken aback , but I told her , " Good people are good people , why should it make a difference if they 're religious or not ? " So she told me the music and lifestyle of people here is going to bother me , it will annoy me to see people not observing Shabbos and the holidays , and that living here isn 't like where I came from , where I lived with only religious people ( this was kind of funny since she doesn 't know me and it 's not true at all ) . I told her that I have enough trouble trying to take care of what I need to deal with in my own life to spend time judging how everyone else spends their time , but she didn 't seem mollified as she skeptically said , " I hope it will be okay " and walked off . She did compliment me on how good my Hebrew was at the end of her tirade . I suppose it could have been a warmer welcome to the building , but it 's good to know people 's concerns . Off we went to the bris , where we saw the parents of the new baby whom I last saw a year ago in Baltimore before they made aliyah , and then had the added pleasure of getting to meet people living here , which was great ! We enjoyed our first afternoon and evening here , but there was a feeling of no one knowing we existed , and meeting these people that morning changed that . Everyone there was very nice and welcoming , and it felt like our family fit in just as if we had been here a long time . I met was an Israeli neighbor who lives two buildings away , and when she heard that we didn 't have furniture , etc , she invited us for a Shabbos meal . Since she had just had a baby three weeks ago , I refused , though I was tempted to accept since the logistics of trying to organize everything for Shabbos in the short time we had was somewhat daunting ! I told her we 'd take a reincheck in a few months , though . Dd16 was really surprised that no one was inviting us for meals or offering any kind of concrete help - she 's been here all summer and told me that everyone in the community knew we were coming . It would have been nice if more assistance had been offered , but people have their own lives to live and sometimes it leaves one unavailable to help others - I 've certainly been in that situation before ! I think it just happened to be a particularly inconvenient week for everyone . While I was speaking with her , dh was out with dd15 shopping for the groceries for Shabbos , when he got a call inviting us for Shabbos lunch ! This was so nice , and he gladly accepted - it simplified our preparations since we were without a fridge , and didn 't have to worry about how to prepare / store food for our lunch meal . And sharing a meal is a great way to get to know people ! We loved that even here in a mostly secular city , Shabbos music played over the city loudspeakers 40 minutes before candlelighting time to herald the imminent arrival of Shabbos . Tea lights were sent over by the same Israeli neighbor who gave us water when we arrived and cleared a shelf in her fridge for us , along with a white tablecloth for Shabbos , a folding table , and 11 plastic chairs ! - and what is especially unique to Israel is that this neighbor who sent us these things for Shabbos isn 't visibly religious in any way ( she calls herself someone who ' observes the traditions ' ) . None of this was requested by us ; she took the initiative to send over things that she thought would be helpful to us , and they really were ! And the neighbor who had just had a baby sent over a plate of delicious homemade cookies , which we enjoyed for dessert that evening . Aren 't people just amazing ? August 19 , 2011aliyahAvivah After driving for less than two hours , we arrived in Karmiel . As we drove though , we noticed how beautiful the area is , and then we got to our apartment and unloaded our boxes in front of the building . We called the real estate agent to tell her we were there so she could bring us the key , and waited outside for her until we could go in . Since it was the middle of a summer day and we 'd hardly had anything to drink since we 'd left the airplane about five hours before , we were parched , and when a woman from across the street came to welcome us and asked us if we wanted a drink , I was very grateful to accept . We went into her home and she treated us like special guests , giving us water and bringing chairs and a table to her yard for everyone to relax . But I told her I really couldn 't relax right then , since I had to get into our apartment and start unpacking . She insisted on sending us home with two large cold bottles of mineral water , and told us if we needed anything to please let her know . I got back outside a few minutes after the real estate agent arrived , who told me I needed to go with her immediately to the municipality and the gas and electric company , to transfer all of the accounts from the name of the renters to us . The tenants didn 't want to give her the key to let us in until this was done , but they agreed to give it to her if we 'd do it that day . I told her I would go but wanted to at least run in and see what the apartment was like first ! So I quickly ran in ( my first impression was that it looked small and dinky ) , and then off I went with her . As we were driving , she realized we needed to get the contract from the office in order to do this , so we went to her office , and by the time we finished there , it was too late to go to any of the offices . So she asked me to take care of it first thing the next morning ( Friday ) . Honestly , I had a list of things that were critical for me to take care of right away so we 'd be minimally prepared for Shabbos , which was by that point about 28 hours away , and this wasn 't on it , but you do what you need to do ! I went back home and then saw the furniture the tenants had left behind , in exchange for the money they were supposed to give us for paint . What it looked like to me was that it was too difficult for them to get the things down from the upstairs bedrooms down the spiral staircase ( which they had partially dissembled in order to get things out , so it was very shaky and scary to go up ) , so they saved themselves the bother and cost of moving those things and told us they were doing us a favor . There were a couple of things they left that were useful - a clothing closet ( in Israel there are no built in closets , so you have to buy and assemble freestanding units ) and an oven , and I told her we 'd accept that in trade for the outstanding money because I didn 't really feel like dealing with them , but to get the rest of the stuff out , which became a bit of a drawn out process and everything still isn 't out . We turned on the water in the kitchen sink , only to learn that the tenants had taken the faucet they 'd put in when they arrived , and left the old faucet there , unattached and with no piping to attach it to the water supply line ! We tried the water in the bathroom , but there was no water there , either . So off we went to the neighbor across the street to refill the water bottles she had given us , which were empty by then , but she insisted on giving us new bottles of more water . When she heard that we didn 't have any furniture or appliances except the stove the tenants left behind , she told us she was clearning a shelf in her fridge exclusively for our use , and gave dh a key so we could freely come and go as we needed ! ( She also told us she had a guest room with a couple of beds and invited the girls to sleep there . ) While all of this was going on , most of the kids had crashed and slept for hours , despite my urging the older boys not to do that because it would make their jet lag much worse . Oh , well . After a simple dinner of the food left from what our friends had brought to the airport for us , in the early evening we took a walk . We thought the kids would enjoy a beautiful local park , where Karmiel residents are allowed free entrance but everyone else has to pay . We explained we had just moved there a few hours before from America , but were denied entrance since we didn 't yet had identity cards with out current address , so we continued to another small playground right across the street , which was fine . While there I spoke to another mother who was there for a couple of minutes , who was visiting from Jerusalem . She left a couple minutes later , but her son ran back to tell us that a few minutes away was a very nice park , so we headed in that direction and met them there again . Her husband brought over a prickly pear fruit that he had picked right there at the park and gave some to my kids , warning them about the prickles . Poor ds3 didn 't hear the warning , so he ran over to pick one for himself and ended up with prickles in his hand . And since he had taken his sandals off when he got there , he managed to step on something pokey and so we made a quick exit to go home and help him . But while we were leaving , this family from Jerusalem gave us their phone number and warmly invited us to stay with them anytime we wanted to come visit . ( Unfortunately , I put this scrap of paper on the table and it disappeared before I had a chance to copy the number into my planner . ) August 18 , 2011aliyahAvivah We landed in Israel after less than ten hours of flying time on a gorgeous sunny , clear day , with lots of applause upon landing . We were the last ones to leave the plane - I wanted to get our carryon luggage off without bumping into people - but the plane emptied quickly so this took just a few minutes . From there , we went through passport control , where I checked all of us except ds18 in . As a returning minor , his status is different than the rest of us , and I felt it would be best if he started handling his own legal paperwork . I didn 't expect it to be any different than the rest of us , just a quick stamp on the passport after verifying that he is who he is - but it wasn 't so simple . I went through with all of the kids to the luggage section after waiting a few minutes for ds18 , leaving dh behind to assist him if necessary , though not right next to him . Since ds8 doesn 't speak Hebrew , I told him that I 'd be with him when he needed to take care of the official paperwork necessary for him to receive his voucher for a taxi home . Afterwards he told me that an official came out and started asking him for things he didn 't have or know anything about ( yes , it would have been good if he would have asked dh ! ) , and after being kept to the side for a long time and yelled at , he finally got his passport stamped and went through to the rest of us - without getting his voucher . He was really bothered and especially with only two hours of sleep in less than 24 hours , it was an unpleasant welcome to Israel for him . When the next person yelled at him for almost ( but realizing it was the wrong one before he did ) walking through the gate right next to the one he was supposed to go through , he really had had enough . It took us a while to get our luggage loaded up , though it was all off the conveyor belt by the time we got the baggage pick - up . We needed a large cart and those were only available to rent , 80 shekel each . The price includes a porter , but I told him we didn 't need the porter , just the cart - but he said we had to have the porter and there wasn 't anyone available so we had to wait until they could find someone . Then we realized we needed the huge trolley ( 160 shekels ) and the regular large one , and between that and the regular small ones that everyone uses , we managed to load up all of our luggage and exit the airport . As we exited into the waiting area , we immediately saw dd16 and all hugged her before we moved out of the way . Then we saw familiar faces from Baltimore waiting to greet us , a couple who made aliyah a couple of years ago . This was so nice ! Not only did they come with welcoming smiles and hugs , but they brought food for lunch ( which ended up being enough for lunch and dinner ) , water , and two bottles of homemade wine ! And not only that , they arranged the vans to take us home , which was really helpful since we were so many people and so much stuff , and it was great to know this was taken care while we were still in the US . Are you wondering where the home they took us to was ? On the way to the airport in Newark , we called our mortgage broker in Israel to find out what was happening wth out paperwork . He told us that all of the paperwork wouldn 't be complete for another week or so , but that the main paperwork would be completed that day , and the owner agreed to let us go in , having most of the money and knowing the rest would soon be paid to him . The owner went out on a limb for us to do this and though we didn 't expect it of him , we were deeply appreciative that we could go directly to our new home in Karmiel . I 'll start at the beginning and post more as this connection allows . Wednesday morning was beautiful , and it really felt right to be leaving then - it was busy but not hectic . At 5 : 50 am the best friends of ds9 and dd10 knocked on the door , and I sent them upstairs to wake up the kids they came to say goodbye to . A little later a good friend of dd15 came and she and her mother , a good friend of mine , helped sweep the floors and take out all the luggage . Ds12 's best friend was there as well . The driver we hired got there a bit late , but it gave us more time to get things wrapped up so we didn 't mind . I was concerned that all of our thirty boxes wouldn 't fit into his trailer , but everything fit in exactly . We pulled away with our friends waving goodbye , and this was the most emotional part for my kids ; they really felt strongly the feeling of leaving behind our home and their closest friends as we pulled away . For me , the three extra days after having to postpone our trip gave me a chance to spend with friends , and I had a good sense of closure and connection . The night before we left , a neighbor had us for dinner and invited other neighbors to come by for dessert to say goodbye , which was nice . For years one very close friend and I have theorized about how nice it would be to meet for coffee and just chat without kids around , and the day before we left , she treated me to breakfast at a local cafe and that 's exactly what we finally did . The week before had been so busy that we hadn 't had a chance to talk at all , and it was so special to be able to spend this time together before leaving . We got to Newark in good time , three hours before our flight was set to depart , and then went about the fun of checking all of our luggage in . Everything went well , except for passing through TSA security , which was very pressured and the person there traumatized one of my kids when she told him to go through , he started to go but he walked too fast so she screamed at him , and then he was scared to go through despite me ( I had gone through ahead of him ) and a few workers trying to convince him it was okay . I could tell all the workers were bothered by what happened because I heard a number of them commenting to each other about how the head honcho behaved and I got the impression that this wasn 't an unusual or isolated incident . Anyway , we got the waiting area with just a short time to wait , and after less than a half hour , boarded the plane . Just as we were set to take off , the pilot shut down the engines and announced that there was a mechanical problem , so we waited another two hours for it to be fixed . During that time , it gave us a chance to appreciate what good seats we were assigned . Our plane was three rows wide , with each section having three seats . We were assigned the last three center rows at the very end of the plane , with ds18 assigned his own seat several rows ahead of us . The kids were disappointed that we didn 't have any window seats because they were looking forward to the views , but after we took off we saw that the very last two seats in the plane across from us were empty , so the kids moved over there and took turns sitting next to the window . Ds18 happened to have an empty seat on each side of him , so initially I moved two kids up to him . But when we took off and we saw the two vacant seats close to us , he moved back to be with us . The seats were perfect - we were close the bathrooms , and because it was the back of the plane , there weren 't people passing from in front and behind us , only in front . So it allowed the kids a little more leeway to move around during the quiet hours when most of the passengers were sleeping . Since it was an afternoon flight , none of us slept more than two or three hours , but the flight went very smoothly . The littles were angels and the older kids were all very helpful in taking care of younger siblings . August 16 , 2011aliyahAvivah " hope everything falls into place for the apartment in israel - there is a quote that the harder you work the more good luck you seem to have . you seem to always have siyata d ' shamaya ( heavenly assistance ) ( probably you also notive it more than most people ) - but i hope you will have it big time here . can 't wait to hear how it resolves ! " Yesterday my husband and I talked seriously about if we needed to further delay our flight for another week or two , since earlier in the morning we were told that the mortgage paperwork has been further delayed and could take another week or more to be completed . Once there 's this delay , who knows if there will be something else ? Our rational minds said to wait , to be sure everything was firmly in place before moving . But for other equally rational reasons , we felt it 's important to leave without further delays . Everything is packed , our life has been kind of put on hold , dd16 really misses us , the kids going into school need to get organized , and we can 't keep everyone emotionally in limbo . And though it might not be ' rational ' , I have a very strong feeling that we need to leave now , that one delay could lead to another and another , and that we need to show Hashem ( G - d ) that we really mean it , that we really want to go and we 're going to leave no matter what . If we back up , I feel like things will begin to move away from us rather than towards us , and for things to move towards us , we need to move towards them . But we needed some backup plan in the very strong likelihood the mortgage paperwork wasn 't finished , since we can 't enter the apartment until the funds are released . I called a good friend who has a sister with a large house living in Israel , and she called her to ask if we could stay there ( with our loads of boxes ! ) for up to a week . Her sister agreed , but said they 'll be leaving Thursday night until Saturday night , and because they live in a very new neighborhood that is in the process of being built , there isn 't any local store , not many buses , and without a car it will be difficult for us . She also works full - time and I didn 't want us being there to be a big pressure for her , though I 'm sure she would host us graciously and with a full heart . So our backup plan was in place , though we weren 't sure how we 'd eat once we got there ! Then this morning at 8 am I got a call from someone here in Baltimore who I met a couple of weeks ago . At that time I had posted a request online for moving boxes , and this lovely woman in her sixties contacted me . There had been a flood in her basement and everything had to be packed up in moving boxes , and she was gradually emptying the boxes and offered them to us . We went over and she had the large boxes that were exactly the size we wanted , 62 ″ total - we were able to fit the 18 gallon Rubbermaid totes we were packing inside of them , and a blanket / sleeping bag as well . We chatted with her when we got the boxes , and then went back a couple more times for more boxes , and chatted with her each time . She was thrilled that we were moving to Israel and so encouraging ! When she heard we were planning to take bikes for three of the kids , she called us later that day and offered us a brand new bike she bought for her grandson to use when he visits , who doesn 't use it . It still had the tags on , and she told us how happy it would make her if we were to take it . She came by on Sunday morning with shaliach mitzva money ( money to be given to charity on arrival in Israel , there is a concept that being a messenger of charity has protective elements ) in separate envelopes for each child and us . She had asked us earlier if we needed any backpacks for carryons , but we had a large pile and I told her we were set . It turned out the night before we were supposed to leave that some kids didn 't have anything to use - I guess they had put backpacks they didn 't like into a giveaway pile , because we somehow have fewer than we did last week ! So yesterday she brought over some luggage suitable for carryons , a very big help . This morning she called to see how things were going , and I told her about all the things that have been happening , the additional delays with the bank , our uncertainty about when to go , and about our decision that we needed to jump in and show Hashem that this is what we 're going to do , that we aren 't backing down . And then she said to me - this woman I didn 't even know until two weeks ago - that she has a 4 bedroom , 2 . 5 bathroom apartment in Jerusalem that is currently vacant , and we 're welcome to stay there for free until our apartment is ready ! It literally took my breath away , when I saw how Hashem ( G - d ) paved the way for us and sent someone into our life through a totally unexpected ' back door ' to help us . Really , would you ever guess that by posting a request for moving boxes that something like this would happen ? ! ? I hope we 'll be able to go directly into our apartment , but there 's such an overwhelming feeling of relief and gratitude to Hashem for taking care of us ! It is such a good feeling to know that we definitely have somewhere to go when we get off the plane , somewhere that if we end up needing to be there a little longer , I won 't feel pressured that we 're overstaying our welcome . It 's not furnished - but our apartment is Karmiel isn 't either , and we 're planning to use sleeping bags for the transition period anyway . Actually , it 's even better in some ways that it 's not furnished because then I don 't have to worry about any possible damage to someone 's furniture , and if we end up going there , we 'll have the privacy as a family that we wouldn 't have if we were staying with someone . There 's a large porch and a private entrance , there 's a small market a few minutes away , and a larger supermarket that delivers a short distance away , so we 'd be able to buy food and have what we needed until we moved to our apartment . ( I told her jokingly that it 's good it 's not furnished , because if it was , I wouldn 't want to leav ! : ) ) Isn 't that wonderful ? ? I 've been seeing again and again , that you can make your plans , think and plan ahead , and then everything changes . Then you have to take a deep breath , remember that Hashem is taking care of you , leap - and then Hashem sends you the safety net right after that . It 's really not easy to do - it 's so difficult and sometimes my fear that the safety net won 't be there threatens to overwhelm me - but it 's breathtaking to see how everything is working out ! August 16 , 2011aliyahAvivah Tonight I went to the goodbye party for a friend moving to Israel in a couple of weeks . We met at an aliyah meeting several months ago , and spent lots of time talking after the meeting , during which I strongly encouraged her to make the move to Israel rather than continue to postpone it ( she had been thinking about it for two or three years , I think ) . After our talk , she went home and got her aliyah file opened that night and has been steadily making preparations for her move . ( Dh says I have a way of saying things and sounding convincing , but I think I happened to just reinforce and validate what was already in her heart . ) And here I was just three months later at her goodbye party ! It was a lovely party which I very much enjoyed , and had the opportunity to see some people I wouldn 't have otherwise had a chance to say goodbye to . I shared with the first person how emotionally trying this period is , with a lack of certainty on so many levels , the last minute flight changes , and then the calls today in which we were told it could take another week or more for the paperwork to be finished , which had dh and I debating if going on Weds . was a good plan or if we needed to stay here in limbo for another week or more . Really an emotional roller coaster - ambivalence is something people are uncomfortable with and look to resolve , and I 'm no exception to that ! She said something that resonated with me , about how in life 's difficult situations , it 's like giving birth - things get steadily more intense , and then when you feel you 're at the end of your resources , suddenly the baby is there . I needed to be reminded that there 's going to be some benefit to doing all of this , because right now it 's frightening and it 's very , very easy to lose sight of the big picture and instead be caught up in the myriad of small details . I so much want the security of knowing that this is taken care of and that we definitely can move into our home when we get off the plane , before we leave this country ! I don 't have any other definites to hold onto , and was okay with all of that because I thought at least a place to live was in place . So I appreciated the reassuring perspective . I have to continually tune into my belief that G - d will always take care of us , as long as I turn to Him and remember He 's the one orchestrating all of this , and this is the thought that I 've been holding tightly to - it 's when I let go of it that I start to feel anxious . The second person is someone I like so much but we had lost touch when we tried to reach each other by phone and both tried to call the other back but somehow weren 't able to reach each other . I had specifically mentioned her to my kids , and was sorry I wouldn 't be able to say goodbye to her , and it was so wonderful to be able to see her tonight ! Though she doesn 't have any current plans to visit Israel , I somehow know I 'm going to see her there one day . It was so nice to see that so many people came to show their love and appreciation for the friend who was leaving . She is a very special person and she really deserved a nice send off like this . I felt a momentary pang of disappointment that there wasn 't an official goodbye party for me - I 'm so appreciative for all that people have done to wish us well and don 't in any way minimize it - I really , really appreciate it ! It 's just different when there 's an evening dedicated to you , rather than you being a side part of the main agenda , which is what my experiences until now have all been . I had a beautiful goodbye party when I left Israel eleven years ago with about forty women in attendance that I still have warm feelings about , and though I didn 't expect any party here , my mind started moving towards this being a reflection of not have been really valued . At times like these you have to remind yourself that feelings aren 't facts , and not take yourself too seriously when it 's the night time ! When you wake up there 's always a more accurate perspective . Even without going to sleep , just recognizing that I needed to shift emotionally to a better place and focus on the many positives in my life helped the feeling pass pretty quickly . As I 've shared before , people have been wonderful to us !

Sarah took another drink trying to drown away her sorrow . It 's been a year to this day that she ended up there . The worst part was having to stay in the same town . The place where people used to know her . The place where people knew what happened to her , but continued to judge her . Doing exactly the opposite of what members were supposed to do . They were supposed to be there for her . They were supposed to be her rock , her comforters . Instead , they were more like the rock that tripped her and caused her to tumble over the edge . Sarah hated that town and everything it reminded her of . Just as her thoughts were starting to make the pain worse , the alcohol kicked in and she became intoxicated . She could hardly remember her aunt and uncle finding her and taking away the bottle of Jack Daniels . That was the millionth time they found her that way , but yet they still got all worked up and angry every time . You 'd think they 'd just expect it by now . They just didn 't understand how she felt . The pain and deep sorrow she was carrying with her with every step she took . Everyday was just a reminder of how she was alive and they weren 't . It was hard enough losing her entire family . Then she also lost herself which led to her losing her friends . Sarah became the most hated person at her almost all Mormon school . The only place she ended up fitting in was with the " bad " group of kids . They introduced her to a whole new world of things . They gave her things that took away the pain . The feeling of finally being somewhat happy was indescribable . She finally stopped caring about what she put into her body and was just looking for the sense of relief and painlessness that came with the stuff she was given . The more she did the more she felt the sensible Mormon girl leaving her . Everyone knew her as the ' Jack Mormon ' . They didn 't care about what she had been through . They only cared about what she was doing and who she 'd become . She used to be the good Mormon girl that would never swear and could never imagine breaking the Word of Wisdom . One day and one event was all it took for that to go away . She used to love The Lord and spend every day trying to be like Christ . Those feelings quickly turned into bitterness and anger on the day she lost everything . No one seemed to remember that she lost everything . They just remembered what they heard about her and gossiped about it to all their friends . Not even caring that inside it tore her apart . Not even realizing that it was making her want the things more and more just so she could drown out their words . She woke up with a pounding headache . It was normal . She grabbed a water bottle from her nightstand and opened up the bottle of Aspirin that was kept on the nightstand . She felt the contents of her stomach coming up and ran o the bathroom where she threw up everything she 'd eaten in the past day . She stumbled down the stairs and the lights blinded her as she came into the kitchen . " We 're going to church if you 'd like to come . " My aunt asked sounded hopeful . " Never going to happen . I 'm sure I would look great walking into church with a clear hangover . " Sarah said sarcastically . " Sarah , it 's been a year . I think a year is enough time to recover . " " You think so ? What would you know ? You have both of your parents , all your siblings , and even your children . My mom was Steven 's sister not yours . You only saw her on holidays . You barely knew my family . I lived with them for seventeen years . They raised me and I raised them . We grew up together . We loved each other . I lost them all . Not just my mom or my dad or Ricky or Jeanie . I lost all of them . You have no idea what that feels like . You 've never felt the crushing and dropping of your heart as you wake up in a hospital only to be told that your whole family is dead . They all died , but as some form of hell you survived . Every day did . " She said coldly . Steven came into the kitchen with the kids and saw his wife crying . " Sarah , what did you say ? Mel , what did she say ? " He asked his niece harshly , but asked his wife kindly . " You 're right , maybe I don 't understand what you 're going through . We 're all here for you . I wish you would understand that . You don 't have to live life this way . You can go back to the carefree , loving girl that used to can you do to help ? I feel like I 've tried everything I can . Nothing would get rid of these stupid feelings except for the alcohol . I can 't live with these feelings . They are making me crazy and I am literally going insane . I am doing whatever it takes to make it stop . If that means doing something bad then so be it . It is worth it for the temporary feeling of happiness . " She said with a voice that sounded broken even to her own ears . " We can try some other things . We can get you help . " Steven told me earnestly . " I 'm done with being let down . I 've lost the hope of finding something that can help . I 'm okay with where I 'm at right now . I feel kind of peaceful with where I 'm at . I just want to enjoy that before God rips that away from me too . " " Sweetie , God didn 't rip anything away from you . Is that how you feel ? Is that why you 've fallen away and won 't go to church ? " " God decides what happens in this world . If he doesn 't want something to happen it won 't happen . If he wants something to happen it will happen . He wanted to take my family away from me . He wanted me to die inside and That is most certainly not what God would want . He loves you and wants what 's best for you . The accident was just a test that was supposed to make you stronger and draw you closer to Him . " " See , even you 're saying it was His plan to kill my family . If he wanted me closer than he really failed . He only pushed me away . Go have fun learning the lies they feed you at church . You better hurry or you 'll miss the liar - I mean the first speaker . " She walked off to her room angrier than before . That was the most heart to heart conversation she 'd had with them since she moved in . She searched their room for her bottle of alcohol , but never found it . She slammed her door shut causing a sheet to fall off the wall that was covering a picture . The sheet fell revealing a family photo that was taken only a couple months before the accident . Tears spilled down her cheeks as she ripped the picture from the wall and threw it across the room . She heard it hit the floor and shatter , but it just seemed like background noise . Her heart pounded and here breathing became fast and shallow . She felt claustrophobic in her room and her vision went blurry . She realized she was having a panic attack from the memories of the accident flooding into her mind . She ran out of her room and out of her house . She didn 't pay attention to where she as going . She just wanted to get as far away from that house as possible . a grip Sarah . " She told herself coldly . " No one cares if you cry or if you don 't cry . Actually no one cares about you at all . That 's why they talk about you all the time . Everyone wants you gone even Mel and Steve . as she told herself she didn 't matter and no one would care if she was crying or not . Still being a bit upset she didn 't pay attention as she crossed the road . She didn 't even notice the car coming at her until it hit her roughly in the side knocking her on the ground , but not running her over . " Are you all right ? I didn 't kill you right ? Can you stand ? Oh my gosh I killed someone . I 'm going to jail for murder . " A male voice said in a very panicked tone . " Quit once you do you 'll realize you should have run me over and then backed over me to make sure I 'm dead . " " How could you say that ? I 'm sure no one here feels that way . " He said as he helped me stand . " Okay , then you obviously aren 't from around here then . Don 't worry you 'll hear about me soon enough and hate me like all the rest of them . " " I wouldn 't do that . " " Oh right , you 're one of those goody two shoes Mormon boys . Well , just you wait you 'll turn against me . I 'm sure kids will tell you all about me , but won 't mention the accident . You may not even hear my real name ; they all just call me Jack . Anyway , that 's enough talking . I 'm sorry you didn 't kill me . Now , the others might be mad . I hope you don 't have to see me again . " I started to walk off , but he followed me . " Wait , you can 't just walk home . I hit you with my car . Let me at least drive you home . " " I 'd rather not get into a car with a stranger . Let alone a stranger that hit me with their car . " She said without even turning around . " Let me walk you home . I don 't want you to suddenly collapse since I hit you . " " I 'm fine . " She just continued walking and pretended that she couldn 't hear his footsteps behind her . His footsteps followed her for the two blocks it took to get home . He didn 't say anything or even acknowledge that he was following her . When they reached her house his footsteps followed her all the way to the door . " Okay I 'm home and I 'm fine . Now leave or Steve and Mel will see you . " The door opened and she sighed . " Too late . " " Sarah , what are you doing ? We were worried about you . Did you skip church to go meet up with some boy ? Are you pregnant ? " Steven asked with a hint of haven 't been to church in a year . I 'm not skipping I 'm just not going anymore . Whether or not I was with a boy doesn 't matter . For all you know he hit me with his car then insisted to follow me home . " " You hit my niece with your car ? " He stared straight at the boy who followed me home . " It my way home . I was paying too much attention to my GPS and not the road . I am sincerely sorry . " " What 's your name son ? Are you a member ? Most people around here are and you act like one . " " Jeremy , sir , and yes I 'm a member of the church . " " Jeremy Thorn ? " " Yeah , how did you know ? " " I went to college with your dad Marcus . He told me he was moving here some time ago . Invite your family to dinner for me tomorrow night . It 'll be like a welcome to the neighborhood dinner . " " I 'll make sure to tell them that . I am really sorry about hitting your niece . If I hurt her at all maybe you can give her a blessing to help . " " No . " Sarah said sternly trying to control her emotions . She remembered her dad giving her a blessing when she was really scared for the new year at school , when they first moved up here , when she broke her arm in middle school , and countless other times . Tears were coming to her eyes again as she pushed her way past Steven and quickly walked to her room . She shut the door forcefully behind her collapsing against it . She pulled her knees to her chest as she tried not to think of her family . It was times like these where she would put the bottle of Jack to good use . She didn 't know what else to do . She still wasn 't able to control all her emotions after a year of having to deal with them . She got into bed and forced herself to sleep . When she was asleep everything was peaceful . Sleeping was the only good escape she had from her problems . Everyone murmured and pointed at her as she walked down the hallway . She wanted to punch them all . Sarah only walked to her circle of people . She never called them her friends because technically they weren 't . They would just supply her with the things she couldn 't get on her own . They wore black clothing , heavy makeup , and had at least three piercings each . " Can I get another bottle ? " She asked the somewhat leader of the group , Thalia . " You went through a whole bottle already ? " She asked flatly . " They took it away again . I can 't find it . " She just laughed at me . " Fine . I can get you another bottle . I 'll bring it by tonight . " The day wore on and she didn 't pay much attention in her classes . She was smart enough to pass the tests even if she didn 't listen in class . As usual she sat alone in the back of the classroom . No one dared to sit next to her . She was the scary ; Jack Mormon that would kill you if you even dared to look at her . At least that 's how everyone else saw her . It tore her apart aknow , I don 't believe the things people say about you . I don 't think you 're a druggie and I 'm sure you don 't drink either . I think they made it all up . " " You 're an idiot if you actually believe what just came out of your mouth . " " So , the rumors are true then ? " " No , if course not . I 'm a perfect little angel . " She said sarcastically . " There 's no way you are a druggie . How would you even get ahold of drugs ? " " I have connections . " " What happened ? I know you used to be a Mormon , a very good one if my sources are right . They say you suddenly just went bad . " She scoffed . " Of course they told you that . I told you they would say I suddenly went bad and won 't even bother to tell about what happened . They all just pretend it didn 't happen so I look worse . Mormons are supposed to be good people , but the ones here are just jerks . " " What happened that they don 't talk about ? " " I don 't talk about it . It 's not something I 'd like to relive . " " If everyone could remember what happened maybe they wouldn 't be so cruel to you . " " No . They all know what happened . They are choosing to act this way knowing full well what happened and how much it affected me . You can 't just lose everything and expect someone to recover . It won 't happen . People feed you those lies ; it 's going to be okay , things will get better , and the famous God will help you through this . It hard enough to go through something like that , but people didn 't have to feed me those false hopes . It just made everything harder . " She started talking without even realizing what she was saying . She forgot there were people around and it felt like she was alone . She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn 't hear Jeremy calling her name . " Sarah . " He said loud enough to catch the whole room 's attention . She snapped out of my thoughts and noticed everyone staring at her . She glared at them and they all quickly looked away . She just smiled smugly to herself . " God will help you through things . " " No , he causes bad things to happen then leaves you out to dry . " " No matter what happens and no matter what you do God is always with you . He doesn 't want you to be unhappy . He wants you to grow stronger from this , learn to put more trust in Him , and to strengthen your testimony . " " I could only ever wish that that was true . " Sarah said honestly . " I know it is . " She just shook her head . He didn 't understand . She didn 't think he had ever been through anything hard . She hoped he hadn 't been through anything as hard her . She didn 't want to ruin his faith or anything , but she knew that stuff wasn 't true . She wasn 't going to stop him from believing that . She certainly didn 't want to be there when he realized the truth . She didn 't want to see the same broken eyes she 'd seen in the mirror when she realized the truth . The doorbell rang and Sarah groaned . She didn 't want to see Jeremy again . After third period he sat next to her again at lunch , in fifth period , and in sixth . She was ready to smack him . He kept asking her questions . Questions she didn 't want to answer . She went downstairs in hopes of sneaking out and getting out of the ridiculous dinner . She stealthily made her way down stairs and was halfway out the door before she felt of hand on her shoulder . Her shoulders slumped as she turned around to see Steven . " You are not sneaking out to go drink or party . You are staying here and having dinner with us and the Thorns . " He ordered as he proceeded to drag me into the dining room . She sat down angrily in a chair as Jeremy decided to sit next to her . " Move . " She ordered . " Actually , I think I like this spot . " " You followed me around all day school you can at least leave me alone at dinner . " " Nah , this chair is more comfy than the other one . " She knew they were the exact same chair . " Jeremy , move . " " Not going to happen . " " Okay who wants to bless the food ? " Steven asked and Sarah groaned . " Really ? Non Mormon present . " She pointed out . " Oh Kylee you want to say it ? Thank you sweetie . " He said to eldest of his three children . She prayed as Sarah tried not to remember the countless times her family had done the same thing . " Something bothering you ? " Jeremy whispered to her as he piled food on his plate . " Yeah , you . " She covered up for the mistake of letting her emotions show . He sighed , but didn 't say anything more . She gathered food on her plate and tried to eat quickly without looking like a pig . Everyone exchanged pleasant conversations at the table as Sarah focused on trying to finish her food . She finished just as the doorbell rang . " I 'm done eating , so I 'll get it . You guys can keep talking . " She got out of my seat and speed walked to the door . She opened it and saw the bottle of Jack Thalia promised her on the doorstep . She stepped outside , shutting the door behind her before picking up the bottle and taking a nice long drink . She felt good having the alcohol in her system again . She opened the door and saw Jeremy standing there . " What do have in your hand ? " He asked . " Nothing concerns you . " She said as she started toward her room . " I 'm not going to leave you alone until you tell me what it is . " " I don 't care . Soon I 'll be too buzzed to even be bothered by you . " She took another drink as she reached the top of the stairs and headed down the hallway to her room . " Why are you doing this to yourself ? " He asked her quietly as he waited for something , some kind of sign that He was listening to me and understood how much I was hurting . I got nothing . Those weeks were the loneliest weeks of my life . I didn 't want to give up hope . I had so much faith back then . I loved the Lord more than anything . He abandoned me when I needed him most . He 's not supposed to do that . When I finally realized that he wasn 't going to be there for me , I gave up hope . I tried so hard to stay strong . I really did . " She whispered as her eyes glistened with tears . " After so long I just couldn 't take it anymore . I lost all hope and became this . " She took another long drink . " I can help you . I can help you get your faith back . I can show you all the blessings you have . I can show you that God didn 't do anything to you on purpose . " " I feel like it doesn 't matter anymore . It 's not like anyone cares about me anyway . You 've seen the way the kids at school act towards me . I mean nothing . I hate what they do . I pretend like it doesn 't bother me , but it kills me . I won 't admit that to anyone though . They were supposed to be there for me when it happened . Instead they turned their backs and were too upset with their own pathetic problems to help me . Maybe if someone had shown some sympathy to me then , I wouldn 't be where I am now . I thought Mormons were supposed to be good . I was good and nice to everyone . I helped others when they needed it . Why wouldn 't they ? Mormons aren 't supposed to treat people this way . Why do they all hate me so much ? " She asked as she leaned against his chest . Something she wouldn 't have done had she been sober . She took another drink wanting to feel even less . " Not all Mormons are nice . I agree that they shouldn 't treat you that way . I 'll stand up for you okay ? I won 't be like the others . I 'll help you get better , I promise . " " Don 't make promises you can 't keep . Even if I went back , I 've done bad things . God would never forgive me . " She slumped against the floor completely drunk , but still sipping on the bottle . " No , God will forgive you for anything . I promise you that . No matter how bad you mess up He will always forgive you . " He said sitting down next to her . She put her head against his shoulder sighing heavily . " I wish I was still like you , so carefree and happy . That stupid day changed everything . If I could go back , I would change it so I would die . Let someone else live this life of pain . It 's just so hard . Waking up every day just to be reminded that you survived and they didn 't . Having to live the rest of your life without the ones you loved the most . Knowing they won 't be there to see me graduate , get married , have kids , or anything else . I won 't get to see my little sister grow up , or my older brother go on his mission . If there 's Heaven on Earth , then this must be Hell on Earth . " I don 't like the drunk you . You 're too sad . I like you better when you 're acting like you hate me . " " I don 't hate you . " She said as she took another drink . " Okay , I think you 've had more than enough of that . " He took the bottle out of her hand , but she was too drunk to care . " I don 't really hate you . It 's just . . . jealousy I guess . " " Why would you be jealous of me ? You don 't even really know me . " " I know you 're happy . Happier than I could ever be . You have a family . That is something I know I could never have . Life is too hard . " She decided as she felt some tears roll down her cheeks . " Hey , " Jeremy said softly kneeling in front of her and wiping away her tears . " Don 't cry . I 'm not going to lie to you and say everything is okay because I can tell it 's not . I will tell you that everything will be okay . It may not be now , but it will be . " She stumbled to her feet and Jeremy had to steady her . She liked the comforting feeling she got as he held onto her . She felt compelled to hug him so she did . She stumbled forward and put her arms loosely around him . He put his arms further around her and she melted into him . Suddenly , he sighed and let her go . " You 're drunk , Sarah , go to bed . " " I 'm not tired . " " You need to sleep this off . " " I don 't want to . Then I 'll be able to feel again . I don 't want to feel . " " I know you 're tired . Just go to bed . " Sarah was too drunk to put up a fight . She changed her clothes in the bathroom and got into bed . She laid there waiting for sleep to overcome her . As she drifted off to sleep she felt a pair of lips touch her forehead . She smiled for the first time in a while as she fell asleep . Jeremy lightly kissed her forehead before leaving her room . He knew he technically wasn 't supposed to be alone with a girl , but he felt that this was different . He needed her alone so she would open up and allow him to be able to help her . He entered the dining room his head swimming with thoughts about what she had told him . Everyone stared at him and he could tell they were wondering about why he was gone for so long . " Sarah has a really bad headache so I told to lie down for a moment . The bottle of Advil she had was empty . Can I get some for her ? " He lied to them . It felt wrong , but he didn 't want them to know the truth . It was somewhat true ; she was going to wake up with a bad hangover . " Of course follow me . " Steven led him to the kitchen . He opened up a cabinet and grabbed a bottle . He took out a couple pills and handed them to him before putting the bottle back and grabbing a bottle of water . " Is she drunk ? " Steven asked me . " No she 's probably asleep by now . " He wasn 't technically lying . " Why were up there for so long ? " " We were talking . " " Talking ? What did you talk about ? " " I don 't think she 'd want me to share that . " His eyes widened . " She actually talked to you ? Did she express how she 's feeling ? I want to help her so badly , but she won 't open up to me . I don 't what to do , but pray for her . " " We talked about how she 's feeling . I want to help her too . Everyone else at school is so mean . I don 't want to be like that . " " She told you about what happened didn 't she ? " " I only know that her family is dead , but nothing else . " " Okay , then she 's definitely drunk . She would never tell someone that willingly . " " Don 't do anything about it for now . I don 't know why , but I feel like I can really help her . I don 't even really know her , but I feel like I was meant to be here . To be here for her . " " If you are the answer to my prayers then be my guest . Please , do anything you can to help her . I can 't stand seeing her like this . " " I 'm going to do everything I can . " He nodded and composed himself before going back out into the dining room . Jeremy took the water and pills up to her room and set them on her nightstand . He grabbed the bottle she had been drinking out of and hid it in her closet behind some clothes . He found a piece of paper and wrote her a quick note before leaving . Sarah , Take the pills on your nightstand . I hid the bottle in your closet . Don 't worry I didn 't tell anyone . Jeremy Everyone talked happily at the table , but he wasn 't in it anymore . He heard all the things at school about her . The warnings to stay away and that she was trouble . Everyone was more than willing to tell him all the bad things about her . How she was into drugs , wild parties , and excessive amounts of alcohol . No one bothered to mention that she lost her whole family . That qualifies as a hard time . He could see why she felt the way she did and acted the way she did . Not that the way she was acting was okay , but it was understandable . He knew exactly where she was coming from . A pounding headache greeted Sarah as she woke up . The lights blinded her as she tried to open her eyes , but she soon dismissed that when she saw the water and pills on her nightstand . She gratefully took them as she wondered who put them there . She hoped it hadn 't been Steven or Mel . They would have taken her bottle . As she set the water bottle back on her nightstand she saw a small piece of paper . She read the note before crumpling it up and throwing it away . She didn 't need his help . He was intruding . She was just fine . She looked in her closet where he said he put her Jack and was surprised to find that it was there . She took a small sip to start her day . She wasn 't completely wasted last night so she remembered what happened . She swore loudly not caring if anyone heard . She couldn 't believe she had almost told him everything . She hoped she wouldn 't have to see him once she got to school . As she got to her locker , she saw him standing there . How he even knew where her locker was , was beyond her . She ignored him as she got into her locker and he got into the locker next to hers . She groaned . " Are you okay ? " He asked . " Seriously , out of all the lockers in this stupid school you got the one next to mine . " " Now , I can see you every morning to help you . " " I don 't need nor want your help . " " Last night - " " Last night I was drunk . I didn 't know what I was saying . I don 't need your help anyway . I am just fine with where I 'm at . " " No you 're not . I know you were drunk yesterday , but I could tell that it just brought out your true emotion . I know inside you don 't like where you are and you want help . " She slammed her some vulnerable girl who secretly hates her life . I am who you see . Just leave me alone . " She snapped . " I just want to help . " " I don 't need your help ! God , can 't you take a hint ! " She stormed off , but not without noticing all the stares she was getting . She ditched first hour and went to the back of the campus that was covered by trees . She took out the small flask she kept in her backpack and drank it dry . The familiar feeling of being lightheaded washed over her and she felt like she was floating . She laid back against the tree and relaxed forgetting the world and just enjoyed the feeling of not feeling . She saw a figure approaching her , but with the alcohol in her system she couldn 't focus enough to tell who it was . " I didn 't see you in class . I was worried about you . " The familiar voice of Jeremy filled her ears . " What are you doing here ? " " I was just worried about you when you didn 't show up for class . " " Why ? " " I thought something might have happened to you . " " Why do you care ? No one else cares , what makes you so different . " " You told me how much it hurt you to have everyone ridicule you . I don 't want to be one of those people . I 'm better than that , and I know you 're better than what they say . " " Why do you even still think that ? You 've seen me do the things they talk about . You should just join them and be done . " " I 'm not going to . What they 're doing isn 't right and they shouldn 't be treating you this way . " " They shouldn 't , but they are . Look , I appreciate you being all noble and wanting to be my friend , but you can just drop the act . It 's not that big of a deal if one more person joins their side . " " I 'm not acting . I 'm not going to join their side . No matter who they are bullying I wouldn 't stand with them . " " You 're ruining your whole reputation just by talking to me and siting with me in class . You need to stop . " " Do think I care about my reputation ? I would rather be kind to a friend than be popular . When it comes down to it , God won 't care how popular I was in school . He will care if I didn 't help a friend I knew was in need of help . Whether you know it or not , you need help . You want help and friends . I know you do . All you have to do is let me help you . " " You don 't want to help me . You might think you want to , but once you realize how much of a mess I am you won 't want to anymore . I 'll lie and tell you it 's okay , but it won 't be . I 'll be even worse than before you came . I 've lost enough people in my life I 'm not fond of losing more . " " I won 't just leave you . " " Why can 't you see that that 's not true ? Everyone leaves me . Everyone gives up trying . Even my own family . " That last part just kind of slipped out , but it was too late to take it back . " Why can 't you see that I want to help you ? " He asked softly kneeling in front of her . " Not everyone in this world is as bad as you think . If you let me help you , I promise I won 't leave you . " The sincerity in his voice made her choke on her words . " Why do you want to help me ? I don 't see anything in it for you . Why would you want to do this so willingly ? " " I don 't care if there 's nothing in it for me . I don 't want to look back and regret not helping you . I don 't care if everyone hates me for being kind to you . What happens to me doesn 't matter . I just want to help you , that 's what matters . " " I 'm unfixable , Jeremy . Besides , even if you could fix me it 's not like God would forgive me anyway . I 've done bad things . Everyone hates me for them so why wouldn 't God ? " She whispered . " No , that 's not true . Don 't ever think that 's true . God will always forgive his children . That 's why he sacrificed his only son for us . You are fixable and you are always forgivable . Don 't you ever think anything other that . " " You 're too nice for your own good Jeremy . " " I should probably take you home . I don 't really want you going back to class . " " I 'm fine I can go back to class . " " Really ? Do you really think you 're okay ? Anyone with eyes can tell that you are not okay . " He countered as they walked toward the school parking lot . " I don 't think anyone can tell . If they did they wouldn 't treat me like I 'm a worthless piece if trash . " " I can tell . " He said simply before getting into his truck . She smiled bitter sweetly at the car . Her dad had had one just like it when she was a kid . It got her thinking about all the late night trips they had made to go get candy or food . " I think that 's the first time I 've seen you smile . You should smile more , you have a beautiful smile . " " My dad had a truck just like this when I was kid . " " What was your dad like ? " He cautiously asked . " He was one of those cool dads . We 'd go out at midnight and go to Sonic for soda or ice cream . He would scare the crap out of guys when they came by to take me out just to laugh at them when they got scared . Everyone loved him . He was just so easy going and so easy to talk to . No one disliked him . He was too good of a guy to dislike . He always knew what to do . He gave the best advice . He was such a good guy I don 't see why he had to go . " She willingly told him . It felt good to finally let some information out . " Your dad sounds wonderful . I wish I could 've met him . He raised a beautiful daughter . I know he would want the best for you . He would want you to be happy . He wouldn 't want you living this way . He would want you to love your Heavenly Father and live a happy life full of wonderful memories . He wouldn 't want you to have this kind of life . A father always wants what 's best for his daughter . He wouldn 't want you to be this way . He would want you live on without him and be happy . " Tears filled her eyes as she choked back a sob . " How can I be happy ? I lost my entire family . My mom , my dad , my brother , and my little sister . I survived that accident and none of out there like your family . You only get one family , and if you lose them you don 't get another one . I will never get to harass the girls that mess with my brother or the boys that mess with my little sister . How do I deal with it Jeremy ? If you can tell me , then by all means go ahead . I can 't take this anymore . It 's literally tearing me apart . I 'm going insane . " " You can 't live in the past , Sarah . You have to move on and live life while you still can . I 'm willing to do anything I can to help you . " " I 'm not going to stop you from trying to help me . If you are in this then you 're in this . I will not have you leave me . Tell me one of your biggest secrets and I 'll trust that you won 't leave . " " How will that make you trust me ? " " If you ever do leave then I can just tell everyone your secret and then we 're even . You get public humiliation and I get emotional scarring . Not exactly on the same level but good enough for me . " " I won 't just ditch you , but I 'll tell you something anyway . I had a seventeen year old girlfriend when I was only fifteen . That got me a lot of crap at church . I had to talk with the bishop and discuss the things I 'd done with her and it was extremely awkward . I was forced to break up with her and she hated me after that . I got crap about it for at least a year after it happened . " " Really ? That 's the worst you 've done ? You look like a saint compared to me . I guess it 'll work since it would still ruin your social status here . That is if it isn 't already ruined by talking to me . " " Are you going to be okay here ? " He asked as they pulled up to Sarah 's somewhat house . " Yeah , I 'll just slip into my room and hope I don 't get caught . " " My house is always open if you need me . Let me give you my number . " She handed him her phone and he quickly typed in his number . " Call me if you ever need anything . I don 't care what time it is , if it 's you calling I 'll answer . I want you to know you have someone here for you . I want you to know that your family didn 't give up on you . Your aunt and uncle care about you more than you know . They hate seeing you this way . It 's tearing them apart to see how broken and hurt you are . I want to help get rid of the broken feeling inside of you . It 'll help you and the family around you . Whether you know or not , they love and care about you . Seeing you this hurt , hurts them too . " " Why would it ? It 's my life that 's messed up , not theirs . " " They lost family members too in that accident . The lost their niece , nephew , sister , and brother . All they have left is you . They are slowly losing you too . " " They aren 't losing me . I 'm still here . " " Are you really here , Sarah ? Yeah , you 're physically here , but I don 't think you 're mentally here . Your mind is stuck in the past even though your body is moving forward . Why would you is the present better ? In the present I don 't have a family . In the present everyone hates me . In the past I had a family and I had friends . Why would I want to live in the present when my past seems better ? " " The present can get better . " " Okay Mr . Prince Charming , whatever you say . " " I noticed you 've been hanging out with the Jack lately . I know you 're new here , so I know you don 't know how bad a person she is . I just want to warn you how bad of a person she is and that you really should stay away . She 's not someone we should associate with . " A girl Jeremy had never met decided to voice her opinion . " Why shouldn 't I associate with her ? " Jeremy asked as if he was genuinely curious . " She 's not a good person . She 's not like us . " The girl seemed to be satisfied that he was interested in what she was saying . " What are we like ? As far as I can tell everyone here is rude to her for no reason . " " We 're Mormon , Jeremy . We 're good people . She isn 't a good person . She 's into bad things . " " She 's Mormon too . Sure , she fell away , but she could be brought back . It 's people like you pushing her away that makes her not want to some back . There 's no reason to hate someone just because they sin differently than you . " She opened and closed her mouth like a fish . To be honest , she looked stupid . " Bye . " He said rudely opening his locker to block her from his vision . She left , but not before glaring at me and Sarah as she walked up . Sarah didn 't say anything as she opened up her locker and got some things out . " You heard that didn 't you ? " He asked . " Doesn 't matter . It 's not like it isn 't anything I haven 't heard before . " " It does matter . They should know better . They should know not to treat people like they 're worthless . " " When are you going to get your head out of the clouds , Jeremy ? Can you not see that they don 't care ? There 's a chance they don 't realize what they 're doing , but that 's slim . Maybe where you come from Mormons are nice and do care for each other , but not here . The sooner you get that through your head the better . " Sarah stormed off to her first class just wanting to get away from him . She didn 't want to have to tell him that the religion his spent so much time practicing and loving wasn 't as great as he thought it was . She didn 't want him to know that not everyone is as great as they act at church . If he could have a happy life believing all was great with the world and everyone acts like the church tells them they should , why should she change that ? How could she take that away from him ? " Would you do me favor ? " Jeremy asked as he sat next to her in third period . " That depends on what the favor is . Before you ask I refuse to go to church , talk to the missionaries , go to mutual , or go to seminary . " " I just want you to read a talk . " " You want me to read a talk ? A church talk ? " " Yeah , I think it could help you understand things better . " " Whatever you say . " " Will you read the talk ? " " Who 's it by ? " " Henry B . Eyring . " " He was my dad 's favorite . " She spoke quietly not looking at him . She sighed . " Okay , fine . What talk is it ? " Jeremy pulled a small stack of papers from his bag and handed it to her . " It 's called ' In the Strength of the Lord ' . " Sarah stared at the small stack of paper . The familiar layout of the paper made her remember countless church lessons and family home evenings . The familiar face of Elder Eyring made her remember watching General Conference with her family throughout her life . The talk Jeremy gave her made her backpack feel fifty times heavier . The talk seemed to be burning a hole in her bag and taking over her mind . The normally peaceful walk home was filled with thoughts about the talk . She wondered what it was about and wondered why she even agreed to read it . She really just wanted to rip it up and forget about it , but for some reason she couldn 't . She distractedly walked into the house and to her room . She set her bag down and tried to forget about its contents . After purposely avoiding She read it and thought about everything that was being said . A familiar feeling washed over her as she read it . A feeling she hadn 't felt in such a long time that she almost didn 't believe it . It was close to midnight , but she texted Jeremy and him she 'd read it anyway . He called her only minutes after she sent it . " Hi Jeremy . " She answered . " You read it ? " He asked sleepily . " Yes . It 's late and I know you 're tired , so we can talk about it tomorrow . " " No , I 'm not tired . We can talk about it now . What did you think ? " " I 'm not really sure what to think . " " Did a certain line stand out to you at all ? " " Look , I read the stupid talk like you asked . If I had known it would include a discussion I wouldn 't have agreed . " " Okay , sorry . I 'm just glad you read it . If you ever do want to talk about it sometime , just call me . " " Don 't tell anyone about this , please . " " I won 't tell anyone . " " Thank you . I 'll see you at school tomorrow . " " Yeah , I 'll see you tomorrow . " She still had the same feeling even after she had hung up and gotten in bed . Honestly , she loved the feeling and didn 't really want it to go away . Jeremy He knew she felt something . He could hear it in her voice . He just hoped it had been enough to get her interested in the church again . Sarah awoke with puffy eyes that stung . She had cried herself to sleep after getting off the phone with Jeremy . She didn 't expect the talk to mean anything to her or to give that feeling again . In all reality she hadn 't expected to ever feel that feeling ever again . Feeling the overwhelming urge to do so , she read the talk again before she got ready . Once again it brought tears to her eyes . She got ready hoping the puffiness and redness of her eyes would go away . As she went downstairs for breakfast it still hadn 't gone away . " Sarah , why are your eyes red ? " Mel asked clearly angry . " I swear if you have been doing drugs as well - " " I wasn 't doing drugs . " She interrupted , sick of her voice . " Then why are your eyes red ? " She ignored her and ate her cereal . Steven decided that then was a good time to enter the kitchen . " Steve , her eyes are red . I think she 'd been doing drugs . " Mel immediately told him . " Have you been doing drugs ? " He asked with anger . " My eyes are not red because I was doing drugs . " " Then why are they red ? " She ignored their questions again and continued to eat her cereal . " Sarah you will answer me this instant or I will kick you out and you 're not allowed to come back until after school ! " Steven yelled . He never yelled at me . " I was crying okay ? ! I was crying ! Don 't bother kicking me out . I 'm leaving . " She grabbed her backpack and left the house ignoring their calls . She slammed the door behind her . Tears came to her eyes again and she slapped herself hard . " Get a grip . You should know by now that they hate you . Stop crying like a baby . You 're not a child anymore . " " Sarah . You okay ? " Jeremy asked as he pulled up next to her . " I 'm fine . " " I can give you a ride to school if you 'd like ? " " Sure . " She wasn 't in the mood to argue and she really wanted to get away from that house . They rode in silence for a moment before Sarah got the courage to ask him a question . " Would you mind if I came over to your house after school ? " She did not want to go and see Mel and Steven . " Yeah , I don 't think my parents would mind . Is there a reason you want to come over ? " " It 's not about the talk if that 's what you 're thinking . I just … I have an issue with Steve and Mel right now . " " Want to talk about it ? " " They just accused me of something without any evidence . I guess I should be used to that by now , everyone thinks I do drugs . It just hurt coming from them . " " I knew you weren 't as bad as everyone says you are . " " I never said I hadn 't tried them . Thanks for the ride . " She hopped out of the car and made her way into the school . " I their way to his house . " It 's no problem . " " Who 's this ? " Jeremy 's mom asked as they walked in the door together . " This is Sarah . She lives with Steve and Mel . " " Oh , that 's right . It 's good to see you again . " She didn 't look happy , but Sarah was used to people not liking her . Not that it made it any easier . " It 's good to see you again as well . " Jeremy took Sarah to the living and they sat on the couch . " Want to watch a movie and do some homework ? " " I 'm up for a movie . " " How does Red Dawn sound ? ' " Depends . Is it the new one with Chris Hemsworth ? " " Yes . " " I 'm in . " He intently and Sarah couldn 't help but laugh at the bleeped curse words . " Of course you would have the clean version . " " I 'm not the one who bought it . " " Don 't tell me , goody two shoes Mormon boy has a bad side . " " Maybe I do . " I just shook my head and went back to watching the movie . The credits started rolling just as Jeremy 's dad walked in . " Hey dad . " Jeremy greeted his dad as he started working on his homework again . " Can I talk to you in the kitchen ? " Sarah could hear the hint of anger in his voice . " Sure . " They left leaving Sarah siting uncomfortably in the living room . Jeremy followed his dad into the kitchen and saw his mom waiting for them . " Jeremy , we don 't feel comfortable with you hanging out with that girl . " His mom started . " We don 't think she 's a good influence on you . " His dad added . Sarah cringed as she heard their voices . " You what ? " Jeremy was shocked that they would say that . " We spoke to Steve about this and we know about the stuff she 's into . We don 't want you going down again . It was hard enough the first time . " " I 'm not going to stop being her friend . " " I 'm afraid you don 't have a choice in the matter . " " I chose who I do and who I don 't associate with . " Jeremy couldn 't keep the anger out of his voice . " You will not disobey us . " " You will not take away her only friend . " " You will obey your parents . You will stop hanging out with her , end of discussion . " " No , not end of discussion . I made a promise to her that I would be there for her because no one else is . You don 't see the way people treat her at school . They treat her worse than they treated me ! No one can see how much it hurts her but me ! I will not become another person that bullies her . I was raised batter then that . I was raised to befriend the friendless and help the helpless . I am going to do just that with or was livid when he left the kitchen and went back into the living room . His anger disappeared when he didn 't see Sarah . He ran out of the house and saw her down the street . He ran after her not without noticing the shaking of her shoulders . She was crying . " Sarah ? " " Go away . " " No . You heard that didn 't you ? " " Why does it matter ? " She asked turning around and glaring at him . " You 're just going to be another broken promise . The sooner you leave the sooner I can forget you . " " I 'm not breaking my promise to you . I am not going to become another jerk that bullies you . I was raised better than that . " " Raised by the same people who don 't want you to hang out with me . I should have seen it coming . Everyone hates me ! Everyone thinks I 'm the worst person in the world ! I 'm not really that bad am I ? I know I 'm not on the this ! I 'm tired of everyone hating me ! So what if I 'm into the wrong kind of things ! It 's none of their business ! I only do it to forget about the things they do to me ! To forget about the words they say behind my back , to forget about my family , to forget about the living family I have that basically kicked me out today ! I 'm just so sick of it ! I 'm done . I - I 'm done . " I was done with it . I wasn 't going to live like this anymore . Jeremy wasn 't used to seeing her cry so much . " I 'm here . I 'm here and I don 't hate you . I don 't think there is anything wrong with you . You are fine the way you are . I 'm not leaving just because my parents told me to . I promised to help you and I plan to keep that promise . What do you mean you 're done ? " " I appreciate your help Jeremy . You 're the kindest anyone has been to me in the past year . I don 't have to live like this . I can run away and live somewhere else . I 'll steal some money and make a new life somewhere else . I 'll go to another family member 's house if I need to . I don 't think I can stay here . " " You can 't just run off . " " Why not ? No one would care . Steven basically kicked me out today . That 's why I wanted to come over . He told me he didn 't want me to come home until after school . Everyone wants me gone . I 'll be doing everyone a favor . " " I every day after school if that 's what you want . Forget what my parents said . They 're just worried about me . They 're just afraid I 'll go down the ' bad path ' again . " " You went down a bad path ? " " That 's why we moved . I lost my little brother a few years ago and I got into some bad things . Pretty much the same things you 've done . Even after I cleaned up my act the kids at school still tormented me . So , we moved . I if you break your promise I 've got loads on you . " Sarah joked . " Honestly , even if you were to break your promise I probably wouldn 't even tell anyone you dated an older girl . I wouldn 't want to see anyone else bullied . Those guys can be pretty harsh . " " Do you not care about what I 've done ? " " Why of nice to know I 'm not the only bad Mormon in town . It makes me feel less worthless . " " You 're not worthless . " " Thanks Romeo , but that 's the opinion of one . It would take a lot more to actually make a difference . " " Can I share a scripture with you or would you hate me ? " She just smiled . " You 're too good of a friend for me to hate you . Go ahead and share the scripture . " Jeremy smiled and took out his phone . He opened up his scripture app and went to the Doctrine and Covenants . " Okay , this is D & C 18 : 10 ' Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God ' . After I cleaned up my act I read this scripture all the time . I just wanted to remind myself that even though everyone else hated me God knew my worth and loved me . " " I 've always loved that scripture . Can I tell you a secret ? " " I basically shared all my secrets with you . You can share yours with me . " " I felt it last night after reading the talk you gave me . " " What did you feel exactly ? " " The Spirit . I almost didn 't believe it at first , but I knew what it was . I hadn 't felt it in so long I didn 't think I could feel it again . " Jeremy smiled brighter than she 'd ever seen . " Sarah that 's fantastic ! That means the Spirit was testifying to you that the talk was true . " " I know . I really liked that talk . " " You did ? " " Yeah , it was really good . " " Would you read another one ? " " Only if it 's as good as the last one . " " Would you want to go back to my house and pick one out together ? " " I don 't know . Being totally honest , I get enough harassment at school . I 'd prefer not to get it from your parents . " " They won 't say anything . I 'll make sure of it . " " Okay , fine . " " Is there a topic you 'd like to read about ? " He asked as they made their way back to his house . " Not really . " " How does something on God 's love sound ? " " Corny , but I 'd read it . " Jeremy smiled and brought her into his house again . " Jeremy you do not walk out … " Jeremy 's mom 's words trailed off as she noticed me with her son . " I promise not to corrupt your son , Mrs . Thorn . If you 'll excuse us we have some church stuff to do . " Sarah told her politely . Jeremy held back a smile as he led her to a room with a computer . He sat at the computer and started searching for a talk . They spent the next ten minutes trying to decide on a talk . When they finally chose one they printed it out and she put in her bag . " I really appreciate your help , Jeremy . It means a lot to actually have one person on my side that knows where I 'm coming from . " Sarah confessed as he drove her home . " I know how much I needed someone when I was going through Hell and back . I 'm glad you can have someone . Now , that we 're friends and you don 't hate me , would you do me a huge favor ? " " I am not going to church . " " Don 't worry , that 's not what I was going to say . I was wondering if you would get rid if your bottle of alcohol . " She thought about it for a minute . " I guess I could do that . " " Really ? " " Yeah , I guess I need to start somewhere . That would be a good start . " " Do you mind if I come in and make sure you pour it down a drain or something ? " " If you really want to . I 'll probably be getting in trouble for being out late though . Be prepared for some possible yelling . " " You had to deal with my parents . I can deal with Steve and Mel . " He they quietly made their way upstairs . She got the bottle out of her closet and she took it downstairs . Jeremy watched as she poured it down the kitchen sink and threw the bottle in the trash . " There , now it 's gone forever . " She said feeling a weight lift from her shoulders . " Sarah , here have you been ? " Mel asked . " I 've been with Jeremy . " " What have you been doing with Jeremy ? " Sarah knew she could smell the alcohol that she had just dumped down the drain . " We weren 't doing anything bad . " " You better not be getting that boy into trouble again . His parents don 't want him going down the bad path again . " " I know that okay ? I all ready heard it all from his parents . I 'm not in the mood to deal with more people who think I 'm not good enough to hang out with him . Do you guys not realize that everyone cares except him ? I am not going to let one more person tell me that I can 't have the only friend that I have . No matter what anyone else says Jeremy and I are going to be friends . " Mel just stood there staring at her . " I 'll walk you out . " Sarah told Jeremy just wanting to get away from Mel . They walked outside and Sarah let out a sigh of relief . " I 'm anyone really cares what we have to say . They just know that I 'm bad and you 're good and they don 't want me turning you bad . I swear the people here act like I 'm freaking Hitler and I 'll turn anyone who gets close to me into a Nazi . " Jeremy laughed . " Let me know when you read that talk okay ? Maybe we can talk about it this time . " " Maybe we 'll talk about it , but no promises . " " That 's good enough . " She gave him a hug . " Thanks for helping me . " " Anytime . " He said hugging her back . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " " I 'll pick you up for school again . " " Sounds good . " " Hey Jeremy , I read the talk you gave me . " Sarah called Jeremy the next day after school . " What did you think ? " " I really liked it . I kind of keep thinking about how Uchtdorf said that Satan wants us to think that God doesn 't care about us . I can 't help but happened . " " Satan wants us to think that God doesn 't care about us so that we will be more susceptible to doing wrong things . If we think God doesn 't care then we don 't think anyone will care if we drink or do drugs . God cares . He really does and he hates to see us do the things we 're not supposed to . God loves each of us . " " I know . I can feel that that 's true . " " Did anything else stand out ? " " I that there is a life after this and at least in that life everything will be perfect . In that life I 'll have my family again and we 'll be together forever . " " That 's exactly what you needed to hear . I know it 's hard to lose a family member let alone the pain of all of them . I know without a doubt that you see them again someday as long as you keep on the path . " " Do you think He 's disappointed in me ? Do you think I 've let Him and my family down ? " " I don 't think you 've let anyone down . I think God is glad that you 're trying to be better . I know your family only wants you to be happy . I know they would hate to see you this upset , but I know they would be glad to see you interested in the church again . " " I don 't want anyone to be disappointed in me , especially my family . They always did everything they could to give me a good life . I owe them . " " As long as you 're trying to be better they 'll be proud of you . " " Thank you for giving me this talk , Jeremy . " " I told you I 'd help . " " Can I get your thoughts on something ? " Sarah asked nervously as they drove to school . " Yeah . " " I prayed for some guidance last night . I got an answer I really didn 't want , but I know it 's the right answer . I 'd like to go to church , just once . I want to see if I feel the Spirit again . At the same time , I 'm scared . I don 't want to see all the kids from school . I know they 'll make fun of me . " " If can leave . I only want you to go if you really want to go . I know it will be hard to go back . " " I know this is what I 'm supposed to do . I want to at least try it . " " Okay . I 'll pick up on Sunday for church . " " Where are you going ? " Steve asked as he saw her try to sneak out the door . " I 'm going somewhere with Jeremy . " Her voice shook with nervousness and she hoped he couldn 't tell . " Don 't let that boy miss church , Sarah . " " He 's not going to . " Sarah 's heart raced and her breathing went shallow as she waited for Jeremy to pick her up for church . She wore one of the dresses her mom had given her for her birthday before she died . The dress just made her feel warm and like she was in her mom 's arms . Jeremy pulled up and her heartbeat quickened . " You ready ? " He asked her noticing her nervousness . " Yeah , I want to do this . " They took her hand in his trying to calm her down . " I 'm not so sure I can do this anymore . " She told him . " Yes you can . I know you can . We 'll sit in the back where no one will see us . " " They all ready see us . Everyone is staring . " " Don 't worry about them . Your family would want you to be here . " They times than she would have liked . As she listened to the speakers she could feel the Spirit . Tears came to her eyes again , but this time she didn 't try to stop them . " What 's wrong ? " Jeremy asked worried . " I can feel it . " Was all she said . " Me too . " " Are you comfortable going to the next hour ? " He asked once Sacrament ended . " I think so . " They her seat as the kids who bullied her in school started to enter . Their eyes would widen as they saw her , but then they 'd turn hard and hateful . " Don 't worry about them . They won 't do anything at church . " Jeremy whispered to her reassuringly . " I hope so . " " I see we have a visitor . " The teacher pointed out . " Would you like to introduce yourself ? " " I 'm Sarah . I 'm friends with Jeremy . " She tried to sound normal and not nervous . " Wonderful , I 'm pleased to meet you . Do you go to school with everyone here ? " Unfortunately , I thought . " Yeah I do . " " Good , maybe that will make you more comfortable . " He had good intentions , but he didn 't know how evil those kids were . The guys mostly stayed out of her way , but the girls were plain evil . Sarah ignored their glares as she listed to the teacher speak and watched the video he showed . She stayed behind a little after class to thank him . " I 'd like to say thank you for that wonderful lesson and for being so kind . " She actually enjoyed that class minus the glares . " I 'm just fulfilling my calling , but I 'm glad you liked the lesson . I hope to see you again . " " I 'd like to come again . " She said honestly before leaving . " I really appreciate you doing this for me Jeremy . " " There 's no need to keep thanking me . I 'm doing what a good missionary is supposed to do . Are you comfortable going to Young Women 's ? I know the girls are the meanest out of anyone . " " I 'd really like to hear another lesson . I 'm going to try it . " " Okay , but if you need to leave just tell me . " " I 'll let you know if they suddenly attack me . " " I saw how they looked at you in class . They 're not very happy with you being here . " " I know that . I just don 't really want to leave yet . " " I 'm glad you want to stay . " Jeremy showed her where to go and she sat in the back corner of the room by herself . As the girls started to come in she got glares again . She just brushed them off . " What are you doing here ? " Barbra asked rudely . " I came to church to learn . " " Sure you did . You should know we have a strict no drinking and no doing drugs here in the Mormon Church . I 'm pretty sure you forgot that one . Now you are not only dragging yourself down , but Jeremy as well . I heard all about that party you dragged him to and how you spiked his drink . He 's just too nice to tell you to go away . " She sneered . " I didn 't do anything to Jeremy . We didn 't go to any party together . I did not spike his drink either . " " I 'm sure you didn 't . We all know you 're a little liar . We all know you 're not really interested in church . You 're just trying to drag Jeremy down because he reminds you of your brother . " Sarah sucked in a breath at the felt the overwhelming urge to slap her . She stood shakily trying to control herself . " I would never ruin someone 's life like that . I would never hurt someone like that . You want to know why ? I would never want to be like you . " Sarah walked out calmly , but once she was out the door she ran out of the building . She sat on the curb believed everything they heard and attacked her for it any chance they got . All she wanted was to go to church and try to get close to God again . She got out her phone ready to text Jeremy when he walked out the door . " I went to make sure you were okay , but you weren 't in class . " " Yeah , I had to leave . You know I 'm not using you right ? " She asked letting what Barbra said get to her . " What ? Where did that come from ? " " Everyone thinks I 'm using you . They think I 'm trying to prevent you from going on your mission . I just want you to know I would never do that . " " I know you would never do that . " " All church again they wouldn 't do anything . I didn 't think they would try to prevent me from going to church . " " Next week maybe we can skip last hour and have a mini lesson outside or in my car . " " Would you do that ? I don 't want your parents to think I 'm making you skip church . I 'd like for someone to like me . " " It 's not a big deal . I can deal with my parents . I just want you to come to church again . " " I 'd like to continue going to church . " For they would go outside and have their own lesson . The more she went the less everyone seemed to care . She still didn 't dare go to Young Women 's . One day while they were having their own lesson outside the Bishop came up to them . " Would you mind if I sat in on your lesson ? " He asked . " Not at all . " Sarah said with a smile . They continued their lesson with the Bishop . Sarah learned a lot more with the Bishop chiming in and answering her questions . " Sarah would you mind talking to me in my office ? " The Bishop asked when hey ended their lesson . " Sure . " She said nervously . " I 'll meet you at my car when you 're done . " Jeremy told her . " Can I ask why you two always have a lesson outside ? I 've seen you out there for a few weeks now . " " I don 't really get along with the girls in last hour . I still wanted to hear a lesson so Jeremy offered to teach me instead . " " Can I ask why you don 't get along with the girls ? " " Being downhill . Now they 're all convinced I 'm trying to bring Jeremy down . They don 't want me to bring them down so they tried to get rid of me . It my family died part of me died with them . I needed someone to be there for me and to help me get through it , but no one wanted to talk about it . They didn 't understand that I needed to talk about it . I started drinking so that I could forget about it for a little while . I tried it once and everyone found out . They started to hate me and they all stopped talking to me . They would call me names and I hurt me . It able to forget about things for a little while . Even though I 'm trying to come back they all still hate me . I 'm just tired of people hating me . " " Would it bother you if I spoke to the girls ? Maybe I could get them to be kind . " " If you 'd like to try , I wouldn 't mind . I really enjoy being back and I 'd like to go to Young Women 's again . " " I 'll talk to them at mutual on Wednesday . Would you like to come to mutual ? We 're going to listen to a talk and have popcorn and ice cream . " " That was always my favorite mutual activity , but I 'd rather not . Maybe once I can get along with the girls I 'll go . " " Fair enough . Thanks for talking with me . If you ever have a problem with anyone just let me know . " " Thank you , I will . " " Are you ready for testimony meeting ? " Jeremy asked as he picked her up for church . " They were always kind of cool because you got to hear what the church meant to everyone . Everyone always had a different story . The only part that sucked was the no food . It 's still sucks to be honest . " That month Sarah fasted that she would be accepted more in the church . She didn 't want to be an outsider anymore . She wanted everyone to realize that she wasn 't as bad as they thought . They times they went . Mel and Steve smiled proudly at her every time they saw her . When testimony meeting started Sarah was surprised to see Jeremy go up . He smiled at her as he sat and waited for his turn . " My testimony has grown a lot since I 've moved here . I know that things happen for a reason . I know why I was supposed to move here . I know that Finally , I got her to come to church again . It still wasn 't perfect . She was uncomfortable with coming at first . Eventually she started to like it . Now I don 't even have to ask if she wants to come . She 's always ready and eager to come . I 'd like to thank her for coming back . I know personally how hard it is to come back after you 've fallen away . I 'm proud of her for doing so . I want her to know that I know with all my heart that this church is true . I know that by coming to church you can become closer to God . I know that our families can be together forever . I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ , amen . " Jeremy smiled as he sat down next to Sarah . She could only hug him and say thank you . Without even thinking her legs moved and before she knew she was up at the podium . " I help from friends in the beginning , but I gave up when I realized no one cared . All my life I was taught to help those who needed it . At the time I didn 't understand why no one was willing to help me . I turned down a road I wasn 't supposed to . I started doing things I wasn 't supposed to . Inside I knew it wrong the whole time . All I kept thinking was that I wanted it all to go away . I wanted all the pain to go away . I that my family will be together again if I live righteously . If this hadn 't happened I would have never met my best friend . I know that at times things seem dark and hopeless , but if we stay on the path and live right things will be okay . I 'm glad to have my testimony of this church back . I know that this church is true and I know that God does love each of us . I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ , amen . " My heart pounded as I made my way back to my seat . I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I knew from that moment on that everything was going to be okay . I knew that as long as I kept getting better that everything would be okay and my life could be happy again . I owed it all to Jeremy . The one person who refused to give up on me . I could never thank him enough for giving me my life back . The End This was the first week my sister got to actually home school . She really liked it . She is doing a different program than I am . She only has three classes . . . 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Sarah took another drink trying to drown away her sorrow . It 's been a year to this day that she ended up there . The worst part was having to stay in the same town . The place where people used to know her . The place where people knew what happened to her , but continued to judge her . Doing exactly the opposite of what members were supposed to do . They were supposed to be there for her . They were supposed to be her rock , her comforters . Instead , they were more like the rock that tripped her and caused her to tumble over the edge . Sarah hated that town and everything it reminded her of . Just as her thoughts were starting to make the pain worse , the alcohol kicked in and she became intoxicated . She could hardly remember her aunt and uncle finding her and taking away the bottle of Jack Daniels . That was the millionth time they found her that way , but yet they still got all worked up and angry every time . You 'd think they 'd just expect it by now . They just didn 't understand how she felt . The pain and deep sorrow she was carrying with her with every step she took . Everyday was just a reminder of how she was alive and they weren 't . It was hard enough losing her entire family . Then she also lost herself which led to her losing her friends . Sarah became the most hated person at her almost all Mormon school . The only place she ended up fitting in was with the " bad " group of kids . They introduced her to a whole new world of things . They gave her things that took away the pain . The feeling of finally being somewhat happy was indescribable . She finally stopped caring about what she put into her body and was just looking for the sense of relief and painlessness that came with the stuff she was given . The more she did the more she felt the sensible Mormon girl leaving her . Everyone knew her as the ' Jack Mormon ' . They didn 't care about what she had been through . They only cared about what she was doing and who she 'd become . She used to be the good Mormon girl that would never swear and could never imagine breaking the Word of Wisdom . One day and one event was all it took for that to go away . She used to love The Lord and spend every day trying to be like Christ . Those feelings quickly turned into bitterness and anger on the day she lost everything . No one seemed to remember that she lost everything . They just remembered what they heard about her and gossiped about it to all their friends . Not even caring that inside it tore her apart . Not even realizing that it was making her want the things more and more just so she could drown out their words . She woke up with a pounding headache . It was normal . She grabbed a water bottle from her nightstand and opened up the bottle of Aspirin that was kept on the nightstand . She felt the contents of her stomach coming up and ran o the bathroom where she threw up everything she 'd eaten in the past day . She stumbled down the stairs and the lights blinded her as she came into the kitchen . " We 're going to church if you 'd like to come . " My aunt asked sounded hopeful . " Never going to happen . I 'm sure I would look great walking into church with a clear hangover . " Sarah said sarcastically . " Sarah , it 's been a year . I think a year is enough time to recover . " " You think so ? What would you know ? You have both of your parents , all your siblings , and even your children . My mom was Steven 's sister not yours . You only saw her on holidays . You barely knew my family . I lived with them for seventeen years . They raised me and I raised them . We grew up together . We loved each other . I lost them all . Not just my mom or my dad or Ricky or Jeanie . I lost all of them . You have no idea what that feels like . You 've never felt the crushing and dropping of your heart as you wake up in a hospital only to be told that your whole family is dead . They all died , but as some form of hell you survived . Every day did . " She said coldly . Steven came into the kitchen with the kids and saw his wife crying . " Sarah , what did you say ? Mel , what did she say ? " He asked his niece harshly , but asked his wife kindly . " You 're right , maybe I don 't understand what you 're going through . We 're all here for you . I wish you would understand that . You don 't have to live life this way . You can go back to the carefree , loving girl that used to can you do to help ? I feel like I 've tried everything I can . Nothing would get rid of these stupid feelings except for the alcohol . I can 't live with these feelings . They are making me crazy and I am literally going insane . I am doing whatever it takes to make it stop . If that means doing something bad then so be it . It is worth it for the temporary feeling of happiness . " She said with a voice that sounded broken even to her own ears . " We can try some other things . We can get you help . " Steven told me earnestly . " I 'm done with being let down . I 've lost the hope of finding something that can help . I 'm okay with where I 'm at right now . I feel kind of peaceful with where I 'm at . I just want to enjoy that before God rips that away from me too . " " Sweetie , God didn 't rip anything away from you . Is that how you feel ? Is that why you 've fallen away and won 't go to church ? " " God decides what happens in this world . If he doesn 't want something to happen it won 't happen . If he wants something to happen it will happen . He wanted to take my family away from me . He wanted me to die inside and That is most certainly not what God would want . He loves you and wants what 's best for you . The accident was just a test that was supposed to make you stronger and draw you closer to Him . " " See , even you 're saying it was His plan to kill my family . If he wanted me closer than he really failed . He only pushed me away . Go have fun learning the lies they feed you at church . You better hurry or you 'll miss the liar - I mean the first speaker . " She walked off to her room angrier than before . That was the most heart to heart conversation she 'd had with them since she moved in . She searched their room for her bottle of alcohol , but never found it . She slammed her door shut causing a sheet to fall off the wall that was covering a picture . The sheet fell revealing a family photo that was taken only a couple months before the accident . Tears spilled down her cheeks as she ripped the picture from the wall and threw it across the room . She heard it hit the floor and shatter , but it just seemed like background noise . Her heart pounded and here breathing became fast and shallow . She felt claustrophobic in her room and her vision went blurry . She realized she was having a panic attack from the memories of the accident flooding into her mind . She ran out of her room and out of her house . She didn 't pay attention to where she as going . She just wanted to get as far away from that house as possible . a grip Sarah . " She told herself coldly . " No one cares if you cry or if you don 't cry . Actually no one cares about you at all . That 's why they talk about you all the time . Everyone wants you gone even Mel and Steve . as she told herself she didn 't matter and no one would care if she was crying or not . Still being a bit upset she didn 't pay attention as she crossed the road . She didn 't even notice the car coming at her until it hit her roughly in the side knocking her on the ground , but not running her over . " Are you all right ? I didn 't kill you right ? Can you stand ? Oh my gosh I killed someone . I 'm going to jail for murder . " A male voice said in a very panicked tone . " Quit once you do you 'll realize you should have run me over and then backed over me to make sure I 'm dead . " " How could you say that ? I 'm sure no one here feels that way . " He said as he helped me stand . " Okay , then you obviously aren 't from around here then . Don 't worry you 'll hear about me soon enough and hate me like all the rest of them . " " I wouldn 't do that . " " Oh right , you 're one of those goody two shoes Mormon boys . Well , just you wait you 'll turn against me . I 'm sure kids will tell you all about me , but won 't mention the accident . You may not even hear my real name ; they all just call me Jack . Anyway , that 's enough talking . I 'm sorry you didn 't kill me . Now , the others might be mad . I hope you don 't have to see me again . " I started to walk off , but he followed me . " Wait , you can 't just walk home . I hit you with my car . Let me at least drive you home . " " I 'd rather not get into a car with a stranger . Let alone a stranger that hit me with their car . " She said without even turning around . " Let me walk you home . I don 't want you to suddenly collapse since I hit you . " " I 'm fine . " She just continued walking and pretended that she couldn 't hear his footsteps behind her . His footsteps followed her for the two blocks it took to get home . He didn 't say anything or even acknowledge that he was following her . When they reached her house his footsteps followed her all the way to the door . " Okay I 'm home and I 'm fine . Now leave or Steve and Mel will see you . " The door opened and she sighed . " Too late . " " Sarah , what are you doing ? We were worried about you . Did you skip church to go meet up with some boy ? Are you pregnant ? " Steven asked with a hint of haven 't been to church in a year . I 'm not skipping I 'm just not going anymore . Whether or not I was with a boy doesn 't matter . For all you know he hit me with his car then insisted to follow me home . " " You hit my niece with your car ? " He stared straight at the boy who followed me home . " It my way home . I was paying too much attention to my GPS and not the road . I am sincerely sorry . " " What 's your name son ? Are you a member ? Most people around here are and you act like one . " " Jeremy , sir , and yes I 'm a member of the church . " " Jeremy Thorn ? " " Yeah , how did you know ? " " I went to college with your dad Marcus . He told me he was moving here some time ago . Invite your family to dinner for me tomorrow night . It 'll be like a welcome to the neighborhood dinner . " " I 'll make sure to tell them that . I am really sorry about hitting your niece . If I hurt her at all maybe you can give her a blessing to help . " " No . " Sarah said sternly trying to control her emotions . She remembered her dad giving her a blessing when she was really scared for the new year at school , when they first moved up here , when she broke her arm in middle school , and countless other times . Tears were coming to her eyes again as she pushed her way past Steven and quickly walked to her room . She shut the door forcefully behind her collapsing against it . She pulled her knees to her chest as she tried not to think of her family . It was times like these where she would put the bottle of Jack to good use . She didn 't know what else to do . She still wasn 't able to control all her emotions after a year of having to deal with them . She got into bed and forced herself to sleep . When she was asleep everything was peaceful . Sleeping was the only good escape she had from her problems . Everyone murmured and pointed at her as she walked down the hallway . She wanted to punch them all . Sarah only walked to her circle of people . She never called them her friends because technically they weren 't . They would just supply her with the things she couldn 't get on her own . They wore black clothing , heavy makeup , and had at least three piercings each . " Can I get another bottle ? " She asked the somewhat leader of the group , Thalia . " You went through a whole bottle already ? " She asked flatly . " They took it away again . I can 't find it . " She just laughed at me . " Fine . I can get you another bottle . I 'll bring it by tonight . " The day wore on and she didn 't pay much attention in her classes . She was smart enough to pass the tests even if she didn 't listen in class . As usual she sat alone in the back of the classroom . No one dared to sit next to her . She was the scary ; Jack Mormon that would kill you if you even dared to look at her . At least that 's how everyone else saw her . It tore her apart aknow , I don 't believe the things people say about you . I don 't think you 're a druggie and I 'm sure you don 't drink either . I think they made it all up . " " You 're an idiot if you actually believe what just came out of your mouth . " " So , the rumors are true then ? " " No , if course not . I 'm a perfect little angel . " She said sarcastically . " There 's no way you are a druggie . How would you even get ahold of drugs ? " " I have connections . " " What happened ? I know you used to be a Mormon , a very good one if my sources are right . They say you suddenly just went bad . " She scoffed . " Of course they told you that . I told you they would say I suddenly went bad and won 't even bother to tell about what happened . They all just pretend it didn 't happen so I look worse . Mormons are supposed to be good people , but the ones here are just jerks . " " What happened that they don 't talk about ? " " I don 't talk about it . It 's not something I 'd like to relive . " " If everyone could remember what happened maybe they wouldn 't be so cruel to you . " " No . They all know what happened . They are choosing to act this way knowing full well what happened and how much it affected me . You can 't just lose everything and expect someone to recover . It won 't happen . People feed you those lies ; it 's going to be okay , things will get better , and the famous God will help you through this . It hard enough to go through something like that , but people didn 't have to feed me those false hopes . It just made everything harder . " She started talking without even realizing what she was saying . She forgot there were people around and it felt like she was alone . She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn 't hear Jeremy calling her name . " Sarah . " He said loud enough to catch the whole room 's attention . She snapped out of my thoughts and noticed everyone staring at her . She glared at them and they all quickly looked away . She just smiled smugly to herself . " God will help you through things . " " No , he causes bad things to happen then leaves you out to dry . " " No matter what happens and no matter what you do God is always with you . He doesn 't want you to be unhappy . He wants you to grow stronger from this , learn to put more trust in Him , and to strengthen your testimony . " " I could only ever wish that that was true . " Sarah said honestly . " I know it is . " She just shook her head . He didn 't understand . She didn 't think he had ever been through anything hard . She hoped he hadn 't been through anything as hard her . She didn 't want to ruin his faith or anything , but she knew that stuff wasn 't true . She wasn 't going to stop him from believing that . She certainly didn 't want to be there when he realized the truth . She didn 't want to see the same broken eyes she 'd seen in the mirror when she realized the truth . The doorbell rang and Sarah groaned . She didn 't want to see Jeremy again . After third period he sat next to her again at lunch , in fifth period , and in sixth . She was ready to smack him . He kept asking her questions . Questions she didn 't want to answer . She went downstairs in hopes of sneaking out and getting out of the ridiculous dinner . She stealthily made her way down stairs and was halfway out the door before she felt of hand on her shoulder . Her shoulders slumped as she turned around to see Steven . " You are not sneaking out to go drink or party . You are staying here and having dinner with us and the Thorns . " He ordered as he proceeded to drag me into the dining room . She sat down angrily in a chair as Jeremy decided to sit next to her . " Move . " She ordered . " Actually , I think I like this spot . " " You followed me around all day school you can at least leave me alone at dinner . " " Nah , this chair is more comfy than the other one . " She knew they were the exact same chair . " Jeremy , move . " " Not going to happen . " " Okay who wants to bless the food ? " Steven asked and Sarah groaned . " Really ? Non Mormon present . " She pointed out . " Oh Kylee you want to say it ? Thank you sweetie . " He said to eldest of his three children . She prayed as Sarah tried not to remember the countless times her family had done the same thing . " Something bothering you ? " Jeremy whispered to her as he piled food on his plate . " Yeah , you . " She covered up for the mistake of letting her emotions show . He sighed , but didn 't say anything more . She gathered food on her plate and tried to eat quickly without looking like a pig . Everyone exchanged pleasant conversations at the table as Sarah focused on trying to finish her food . She finished just as the doorbell rang . " I 'm done eating , so I 'll get it . You guys can keep talking . " She got out of my seat and speed walked to the door . She opened it and saw the bottle of Jack Thalia promised her on the doorstep . She stepped outside , shutting the door behind her before picking up the bottle and taking a nice long drink . She felt good having the alcohol in her system again . She opened the door and saw Jeremy standing there . " What do have in your hand ? " He asked . " Nothing concerns you . " She said as she started toward her room . " I 'm not going to leave you alone until you tell me what it is . " " I don 't care . Soon I 'll be too buzzed to even be bothered by you . " She took another drink as she reached the top of the stairs and headed down the hallway to her room . " Why are you doing this to yourself ? " He asked her quietly as he waited for something , some kind of sign that He was listening to me and understood how much I was hurting . I got nothing . Those weeks were the loneliest weeks of my life . I didn 't want to give up hope . I had so much faith back then . I loved the Lord more than anything . He abandoned me when I needed him most . He 's not supposed to do that . When I finally realized that he wasn 't going to be there for me , I gave up hope . I tried so hard to stay strong . I really did . " She whispered as her eyes glistened with tears . " After so long I just couldn 't take it anymore . I lost all hope and became this . " She took another long drink . " I can help you . I can help you get your faith back . I can show you all the blessings you have . I can show you that God didn 't do anything to you on purpose . " " I feel like it doesn 't matter anymore . It 's not like anyone cares about me anyway . You 've seen the way the kids at school act towards me . I mean nothing . I hate what they do . I pretend like it doesn 't bother me , but it kills me . I won 't admit that to anyone though . They were supposed to be there for me when it happened . Instead they turned their backs and were too upset with their own pathetic problems to help me . Maybe if someone had shown some sympathy to me then , I wouldn 't be where I am now . I thought Mormons were supposed to be good . I was good and nice to everyone . I helped others when they needed it . Why wouldn 't they ? Mormons aren 't supposed to treat people this way . Why do they all hate me so much ? " She asked as she leaned against his chest . Something she wouldn 't have done had she been sober . She took another drink wanting to feel even less . " Not all Mormons are nice . I agree that they shouldn 't treat you that way . I 'll stand up for you okay ? I won 't be like the others . I 'll help you get better , I promise . " " Don 't make promises you can 't keep . Even if I went back , I 've done bad things . God would never forgive me . " She slumped against the floor completely drunk , but still sipping on the bottle . " No , God will forgive you for anything . I promise you that . No matter how bad you mess up He will always forgive you . " He said sitting down next to her . She put her head against his shoulder sighing heavily . " I wish I was still like you , so carefree and happy . That stupid day changed everything . If I could go back , I would change it so I would die . Let someone else live this life of pain . It 's just so hard . Waking up every day just to be reminded that you survived and they didn 't . Having to live the rest of your life without the ones you loved the most . Knowing they won 't be there to see me graduate , get married , have kids , or anything else . I won 't get to see my little sister grow up , or my older brother go on his mission . If there 's Heaven on Earth , then this must be Hell on Earth . " I don 't like the drunk you . You 're too sad . I like you better when you 're acting like you hate me . " " I don 't hate you . " She said as she took another drink . " Okay , I think you 've had more than enough of that . " He took the bottle out of her hand , but she was too drunk to care . " I don 't really hate you . It 's just . . . jealousy I guess . " " Why would you be jealous of me ? You don 't even really know me . " " I know you 're happy . Happier than I could ever be . You have a family . That is something I know I could never have . Life is too hard . " She decided as she felt some tears roll down her cheeks . " Hey , " Jeremy said softly kneeling in front of her and wiping away her tears . " Don 't cry . I 'm not going to lie to you and say everything is okay because I can tell it 's not . I will tell you that everything will be okay . It may not be now , but it will be . " She stumbled to her feet and Jeremy had to steady her . She liked the comforting feeling she got as he held onto her . She felt compelled to hug him so she did . She stumbled forward and put her arms loosely around him . He put his arms further around her and she melted into him . Suddenly , he sighed and let her go . " You 're drunk , Sarah , go to bed . " " I 'm not tired . " " You need to sleep this off . " " I don 't want to . Then I 'll be able to feel again . I don 't want to feel . " " I know you 're tired . Just go to bed . " Sarah was too drunk to put up a fight . She changed her clothes in the bathroom and got into bed . She laid there waiting for sleep to overcome her . As she drifted off to sleep she felt a pair of lips touch her forehead . She smiled for the first time in a while as she fell asleep . Jeremy lightly kissed her forehead before leaving her room . He knew he technically wasn 't supposed to be alone with a girl , but he felt that this was different . He needed her alone so she would open up and allow him to be able to help her . He entered the dining room his head swimming with thoughts about what she had told him . Everyone stared at him and he could tell they were wondering about why he was gone for so long . " Sarah has a really bad headache so I told to lie down for a moment . The bottle of Advil she had was empty . Can I get some for her ? " He lied to them . It felt wrong , but he didn 't want them to know the truth . It was somewhat true ; she was going to wake up with a bad hangover . " Of course follow me . " Steven led him to the kitchen . He opened up a cabinet and grabbed a bottle . He took out a couple pills and handed them to him before putting the bottle back and grabbing a bottle of water . " Is she drunk ? " Steven asked me . " No she 's probably asleep by now . " He wasn 't technically lying . " Why were up there for so long ? " " We were talking . " " Talking ? What did you talk about ? " " I don 't think she 'd want me to share that . " His eyes widened . " She actually talked to you ? Did she express how she 's feeling ? I want to help her so badly , but she won 't open up to me . I don 't what to do , but pray for her . " " We talked about how she 's feeling . I want to help her too . Everyone else at school is so mean . I don 't want to be like that . " " She told you about what happened didn 't she ? " " I only know that her family is dead , but nothing else . " " Okay , then she 's definitely drunk . She would never tell someone that willingly . " " Don 't do anything about it for now . I don 't know why , but I feel like I can really help her . I don 't even really know her , but I feel like I was meant to be here . To be here for her . " " If you are the answer to my prayers then be my guest . Please , do anything you can to help her . I can 't stand seeing her like this . " " I 'm going to do everything I can . " He nodded and composed himself before going back out into the dining room . Jeremy took the water and pills up to her room and set them on her nightstand . He grabbed the bottle she had been drinking out of and hid it in her closet behind some clothes . He found a piece of paper and wrote her a quick note before leaving . Sarah , Take the pills on your nightstand . I hid the bottle in your closet . Don 't worry I didn 't tell anyone . Jeremy Everyone talked happily at the table , but he wasn 't in it anymore . He heard all the things at school about her . The warnings to stay away and that she was trouble . Everyone was more than willing to tell him all the bad things about her . How she was into drugs , wild parties , and excessive amounts of alcohol . No one bothered to mention that she lost her whole family . That qualifies as a hard time . He could see why she felt the way she did and acted the way she did . Not that the way she was acting was okay , but it was understandable . He knew exactly where she was coming from . A pounding headache greeted Sarah as she woke up . The lights blinded her as she tried to open her eyes , but she soon dismissed that when she saw the water and pills on her nightstand . She gratefully took them as she wondered who put them there . She hoped it hadn 't been Steven or Mel . They would have taken her bottle . As she set the water bottle back on her nightstand she saw a small piece of paper . She read the note before crumpling it up and throwing it away . She didn 't need his help . He was intruding . She was just fine . She looked in her closet where he said he put her Jack and was surprised to find that it was there . She took a small sip to start her day . She wasn 't completely wasted last night so she remembered what happened . She swore loudly not caring if anyone heard . She couldn 't believe she had almost told him everything . She hoped she wouldn 't have to see him once she got to school . As she got to her locker , she saw him standing there . How he even knew where her locker was , was beyond her . She ignored him as she got into her locker and he got into the locker next to hers . She groaned . " Are you okay ? " He asked . " Seriously , out of all the lockers in this stupid school you got the one next to mine . " " Now , I can see you every morning to help you . " " I don 't need nor want your help . " " Last night - " " Last night I was drunk . I didn 't know what I was saying . I don 't need your help anyway . I am just fine with where I 'm at . " " No you 're not . I know you were drunk yesterday , but I could tell that it just brought out your true emotion . I know inside you don 't like where you are and you want help . " She slammed her some vulnerable girl who secretly hates her life . I am who you see . Just leave me alone . " She snapped . " I just want to help . " " I don 't need your help ! God , can 't you take a hint ! " She stormed off , but not without noticing all the stares she was getting . She ditched first hour and went to the back of the campus that was covered by trees . She took out the small flask she kept in her backpack and drank it dry . The familiar feeling of being lightheaded washed over her and she felt like she was floating . She laid back against the tree and relaxed forgetting the world and just enjoyed the feeling of not feeling . She saw a figure approaching her , but with the alcohol in her system she couldn 't focus enough to tell who it was . " I didn 't see you in class . I was worried about you . " The familiar voice of Jeremy filled her ears . " What are you doing here ? " " I was just worried about you when you didn 't show up for class . " " Why ? " " I thought something might have happened to you . " " Why do you care ? No one else cares , what makes you so different . " " You told me how much it hurt you to have everyone ridicule you . I don 't want to be one of those people . I 'm better than that , and I know you 're better than what they say . " " Why do you even still think that ? You 've seen me do the things they talk about . You should just join them and be done . " " I 'm not going to . What they 're doing isn 't right and they shouldn 't be treating you this way . " " They shouldn 't , but they are . Look , I appreciate you being all noble and wanting to be my friend , but you can just drop the act . It 's not that big of a deal if one more person joins their side . " " I 'm not acting . I 'm not going to join their side . No matter who they are bullying I wouldn 't stand with them . " " You 're ruining your whole reputation just by talking to me and siting with me in class . You need to stop . " " Do think I care about my reputation ? I would rather be kind to a friend than be popular . When it comes down to it , God won 't care how popular I was in school . He will care if I didn 't help a friend I knew was in need of help . Whether you know it or not , you need help . You want help and friends . I know you do . All you have to do is let me help you . " " You don 't want to help me . You might think you want to , but once you realize how much of a mess I am you won 't want to anymore . I 'll lie and tell you it 's okay , but it won 't be . I 'll be even worse than before you came . I 've lost enough people in my life I 'm not fond of losing more . " " I won 't just leave you . " " Why can 't you see that that 's not true ? Everyone leaves me . Everyone gives up trying . Even my own family . " That last part just kind of slipped out , but it was too late to take it back . " Why can 't you see that I want to help you ? " He asked softly kneeling in front of her . " Not everyone in this world is as bad as you think . If you let me help you , I promise I won 't leave you . " The sincerity in his voice made her choke on her words . " Why do you want to help me ? I don 't see anything in it for you . Why would you want to do this so willingly ? " " I don 't care if there 's nothing in it for me . I don 't want to look back and regret not helping you . I don 't care if everyone hates me for being kind to you . What happens to me doesn 't matter . I just want to help you , that 's what matters . " " I 'm unfixable , Jeremy . Besides , even if you could fix me it 's not like God would forgive me anyway . I 've done bad things . Everyone hates me for them so why wouldn 't God ? " She whispered . " No , that 's not true . Don 't ever think that 's true . God will always forgive his children . That 's why he sacrificed his only son for us . You are fixable and you are always forgivable . Don 't you ever think anything other that . " " You 're too nice for your own good Jeremy . " " I should probably take you home . I don 't really want you going back to class . " " I 'm fine I can go back to class . " " Really ? Do you really think you 're okay ? Anyone with eyes can tell that you are not okay . " He countered as they walked toward the school parking lot . " I don 't think anyone can tell . If they did they wouldn 't treat me like I 'm a worthless piece if trash . " " I can tell . " He said simply before getting into his truck . She smiled bitter sweetly at the car . Her dad had had one just like it when she was a kid . It got her thinking about all the late night trips they had made to go get candy or food . " I think that 's the first time I 've seen you smile . You should smile more , you have a beautiful smile . " " My dad had a truck just like this when I was kid . " " What was your dad like ? " He cautiously asked . " He was one of those cool dads . We 'd go out at midnight and go to Sonic for soda or ice cream . He would scare the crap out of guys when they came by to take me out just to laugh at them when they got scared . Everyone loved him . He was just so easy going and so easy to talk to . No one disliked him . He was too good of a guy to dislike . He always knew what to do . He gave the best advice . He was such a good guy I don 't see why he had to go . " She willingly told him . It felt good to finally let some information out . " Your dad sounds wonderful . I wish I could 've met him . He raised a beautiful daughter . I know he would want the best for you . He would want you to be happy . He wouldn 't want you living this way . He would want you to love your Heavenly Father and live a happy life full of wonderful memories . He wouldn 't want you to have this kind of life . A father always wants what 's best for his daughter . He wouldn 't want you to be this way . He would want you live on without him and be happy . " Tears filled her eyes as she choked back a sob . " How can I be happy ? I lost my entire family . My mom , my dad , my brother , and my little sister . I survived that accident and none of out there like your family . You only get one family , and if you lose them you don 't get another one . I will never get to harass the girls that mess with my brother or the boys that mess with my little sister . How do I deal with it Jeremy ? If you can tell me , then by all means go ahead . I can 't take this anymore . It 's literally tearing me apart . I 'm going insane . " " You can 't live in the past , Sarah . You have to move on and live life while you still can . I 'm willing to do anything I can to help you . " " I 'm not going to stop you from trying to help me . If you are in this then you 're in this . I will not have you leave me . Tell me one of your biggest secrets and I 'll trust that you won 't leave . " " How will that make you trust me ? " " If you ever do leave then I can just tell everyone your secret and then we 're even . You get public humiliation and I get emotional scarring . Not exactly on the same level but good enough for me . " " I won 't just ditch you , but I 'll tell you something anyway . I had a seventeen year old girlfriend when I was only fifteen . That got me a lot of crap at church . I had to talk with the bishop and discuss the things I 'd done with her and it was extremely awkward . I was forced to break up with her and she hated me after that . I got crap about it for at least a year after it happened . " " Really ? That 's the worst you 've done ? You look like a saint compared to me . I guess it 'll work since it would still ruin your social status here . That is if it isn 't already ruined by talking to me . " " Are you going to be okay here ? " He asked as they pulled up to Sarah 's somewhat house . " Yeah , I 'll just slip into my room and hope I don 't get caught . " " My house is always open if you need me . Let me give you my number . " She handed him her phone and he quickly typed in his number . " Call me if you ever need anything . I don 't care what time it is , if it 's you calling I 'll answer . I want you to know you have someone here for you . I want you to know that your family didn 't give up on you . Your aunt and uncle care about you more than you know . They hate seeing you this way . It 's tearing them apart to see how broken and hurt you are . I want to help get rid of the broken feeling inside of you . It 'll help you and the family around you . Whether you know or not , they love and care about you . Seeing you this hurt , hurts them too . " " Why would it ? It 's my life that 's messed up , not theirs . " " They lost family members too in that accident . The lost their niece , nephew , sister , and brother . All they have left is you . They are slowly losing you too . " " They aren 't losing me . I 'm still here . " " Are you really here , Sarah ? Yeah , you 're physically here , but I don 't think you 're mentally here . Your mind is stuck in the past even though your body is moving forward . Why would you is the present better ? In the present I don 't have a family . In the present everyone hates me . In the past I had a family and I had friends . Why would I want to live in the present when my past seems better ? " " The present can get better . " " Okay Mr . Prince Charming , whatever you say . " " I noticed you 've been hanging out with the Jack lately . I know you 're new here , so I know you don 't know how bad a person she is . I just want to warn you how bad of a person she is and that you really should stay away . She 's not someone we should associate with . " A girl Jeremy had never met decided to voice her opinion . " Why shouldn 't I associate with her ? " Jeremy asked as if he was genuinely curious . " She 's not a good person . She 's not like us . " The girl seemed to be satisfied that he was interested in what she was saying . " What are we like ? As far as I can tell everyone here is rude to her for no reason . " " We 're Mormon , Jeremy . We 're good people . She isn 't a good person . She 's into bad things . " " She 's Mormon too . Sure , she fell away , but she could be brought back . It 's people like you pushing her away that makes her not want to some back . There 's no reason to hate someone just because they sin differently than you . " She opened and closed her mouth like a fish . To be honest , she looked stupid . " Bye . " He said rudely opening his locker to block her from his vision . She left , but not before glaring at me and Sarah as she walked up . Sarah didn 't say anything as she opened up her locker and got some things out . " You heard that didn 't you ? " He asked . " Doesn 't matter . It 's not like it isn 't anything I haven 't heard before . " " It does matter . They should know better . They should know not to treat people like they 're worthless . " " When are you going to get your head out of the clouds , Jeremy ? Can you not see that they don 't care ? There 's a chance they don 't realize what they 're doing , but that 's slim . Maybe where you come from Mormons are nice and do care for each other , but not here . The sooner you get that through your head the better . " Sarah stormed off to her first class just wanting to get away from him . She didn 't want to have to tell him that the religion his spent so much time practicing and loving wasn 't as great as he thought it was . She didn 't want him to know that not everyone is as great as they act at church . If he could have a happy life believing all was great with the world and everyone acts like the church tells them they should , why should she change that ? How could she take that away from him ? " Would you do me favor ? " Jeremy asked as he sat next to her in third period . " That depends on what the favor is . Before you ask I refuse to go to church , talk to the missionaries , go to mutual , or go to seminary . " " I just want you to read a talk . " " You want me to read a talk ? A church talk ? " " Yeah , I think it could help you understand things better . " " Whatever you say . " " Will you read the talk ? " " Who 's it by ? " " Henry B . Eyring . " " He was my dad 's favorite . " She spoke quietly not looking at him . She sighed . " Okay , fine . What talk is it ? " Jeremy pulled a small stack of papers from his bag and handed it to her . " It 's called ' In the Strength of the Lord ' . " Sarah stared at the small stack of paper . The familiar layout of the paper made her remember countless church lessons and family home evenings . The familiar face of Elder Eyring made her remember watching General Conference with her family throughout her life . The talk Jeremy gave her made her backpack feel fifty times heavier . The talk seemed to be burning a hole in her bag and taking over her mind . The normally peaceful walk home was filled with thoughts about the talk . She wondered what it was about and wondered why she even agreed to read it . She really just wanted to rip it up and forget about it , but for some reason she couldn 't . She distractedly walked into the house and to her room . She set her bag down and tried to forget about its contents . After purposely avoiding She read it and thought about everything that was being said . A familiar feeling washed over her as she read it . A feeling she hadn 't felt in such a long time that she almost didn 't believe it . It was close to midnight , but she texted Jeremy and him she 'd read it anyway . He called her only minutes after she sent it . " Hi Jeremy . " She answered . " You read it ? " He asked sleepily . " Yes . It 's late and I know you 're tired , so we can talk about it tomorrow . " " No , I 'm not tired . We can talk about it now . What did you think ? " " I 'm not really sure what to think . " " Did a certain line stand out to you at all ? " " Look , I read the stupid talk like you asked . If I had known it would include a discussion I wouldn 't have agreed . " " Okay , sorry . I 'm just glad you read it . If you ever do want to talk about it sometime , just call me . " " Don 't tell anyone about this , please . " " I won 't tell anyone . " " Thank you . I 'll see you at school tomorrow . " " Yeah , I 'll see you tomorrow . " She still had the same feeling even after she had hung up and gotten in bed . Honestly , she loved the feeling and didn 't really want it to go away . Jeremy He knew she felt something . He could hear it in her voice . He just hoped it had been enough to get her interested in the church again . Sarah awoke with puffy eyes that stung . She had cried herself to sleep after getting off the phone with Jeremy . She didn 't expect the talk to mean anything to her or to give that feeling again . In all reality she hadn 't expected to ever feel that feeling ever again . Feeling the overwhelming urge to do so , she read the talk again before she got ready . Once again it brought tears to her eyes . She got ready hoping the puffiness and redness of her eyes would go away . As she went downstairs for breakfast it still hadn 't gone away . " Sarah , why are your eyes red ? " Mel asked clearly angry . " I swear if you have been doing drugs as well - " " I wasn 't doing drugs . " She interrupted , sick of her voice . " Then why are your eyes red ? " She ignored her and ate her cereal . Steven decided that then was a good time to enter the kitchen . " Steve , her eyes are red . I think she 'd been doing drugs . " Mel immediately told him . " Have you been doing drugs ? " He asked with anger . " My eyes are not red because I was doing drugs . " " Then why are they red ? " She ignored their questions again and continued to eat her cereal . " Sarah you will answer me this instant or I will kick you out and you 're not allowed to come back until after school ! " Steven yelled . He never yelled at me . " I was crying okay ? ! I was crying ! Don 't bother kicking me out . I 'm leaving . " She grabbed her backpack and left the house ignoring their calls . She slammed the door behind her . Tears came to her eyes again and she slapped herself hard . " Get a grip . You should know by now that they hate you . Stop crying like a baby . You 're not a child anymore . " " Sarah . You okay ? " Jeremy asked as he pulled up next to her . " I 'm fine . " " I can give you a ride to school if you 'd like ? " " Sure . " She wasn 't in the mood to argue and she really wanted to get away from that house . They rode in silence for a moment before Sarah got the courage to ask him a question . " Would you mind if I came over to your house after school ? " She did not want to go and see Mel and Steven . " Yeah , I don 't think my parents would mind . Is there a reason you want to come over ? " " It 's not about the talk if that 's what you 're thinking . I just … I have an issue with Steve and Mel right now . " " Want to talk about it ? " " They just accused me of something without any evidence . I guess I should be used to that by now , everyone thinks I do drugs . It just hurt coming from them . " " I knew you weren 't as bad as everyone says you are . " " I never said I hadn 't tried them . Thanks for the ride . " She hopped out of the car and made her way into the school . " I their way to his house . " It 's no problem . " " Who 's this ? " Jeremy 's mom asked as they walked in the door together . " This is Sarah . She lives with Steve and Mel . " " Oh , that 's right . It 's good to see you again . " She didn 't look happy , but Sarah was used to people not liking her . Not that it made it any easier . " It 's good to see you again as well . " Jeremy took Sarah to the living and they sat on the couch . " Want to watch a movie and do some homework ? " " I 'm up for a movie . " " How does Red Dawn sound ? ' " Depends . Is it the new one with Chris Hemsworth ? " " Yes . " " I 'm in . " He intently and Sarah couldn 't help but laugh at the bleeped curse words . " Of course you would have the clean version . " " I 'm not the one who bought it . " " Don 't tell me , goody two shoes Mormon boy has a bad side . " " Maybe I do . " I just shook my head and went back to watching the movie . The credits started rolling just as Jeremy 's dad walked in . " Hey dad . " Jeremy greeted his dad as he started working on his homework again . " Can I talk to you in the kitchen ? " Sarah could hear the hint of anger in his voice . " Sure . " They left leaving Sarah siting uncomfortably in the living room . Jeremy followed his dad into the kitchen and saw his mom waiting for them . " Jeremy , we don 't feel comfortable with you hanging out with that girl . " His mom started . " We don 't think she 's a good influence on you . " His dad added . Sarah cringed as she heard their voices . " You what ? " Jeremy was shocked that they would say that . " We spoke to Steve about this and we know about the stuff she 's into . We don 't want you going down again . It was hard enough the first time . " " I 'm not going to stop being her friend . " " I 'm afraid you don 't have a choice in the matter . " " I chose who I do and who I don 't associate with . " Jeremy couldn 't keep the anger out of his voice . " You will not disobey us . " " You will not take away her only friend . " " You will obey your parents . You will stop hanging out with her , end of discussion . " " No , not end of discussion . I made a promise to her that I would be there for her because no one else is . You don 't see the way people treat her at school . They treat her worse than they treated me ! No one can see how much it hurts her but me ! I will not become another person that bullies her . I was raised batter then that . I was raised to befriend the friendless and help the helpless . I am going to do just that with or was livid when he left the kitchen and went back into the living room . His anger disappeared when he didn 't see Sarah . He ran out of the house and saw her down the street . He ran after her not without noticing the shaking of her shoulders . She was crying . " Sarah ? " " Go away . " " No . You heard that didn 't you ? " " Why does it matter ? " She asked turning around and glaring at him . " You 're just going to be another broken promise . The sooner you leave the sooner I can forget you . " " I 'm not breaking my promise to you . I am not going to become another jerk that bullies you . I was raised better than that . " " Raised by the same people who don 't want you to hang out with me . I should have seen it coming . Everyone hates me ! Everyone thinks I 'm the worst person in the world ! I 'm not really that bad am I ? I know I 'm not on the this ! I 'm tired of everyone hating me ! So what if I 'm into the wrong kind of things ! It 's none of their business ! I only do it to forget about the things they do to me ! To forget about the words they say behind my back , to forget about my family , to forget about the living family I have that basically kicked me out today ! I 'm just so sick of it ! I 'm done . I - I 'm done . " I was done with it . I wasn 't going to live like this anymore . Jeremy wasn 't used to seeing her cry so much . " I 'm here . I 'm here and I don 't hate you . I don 't think there is anything wrong with you . You are fine the way you are . I 'm not leaving just because my parents told me to . I promised to help you and I plan to keep that promise . What do you mean you 're done ? " " I appreciate your help Jeremy . You 're the kindest anyone has been to me in the past year . I don 't have to live like this . I can run away and live somewhere else . I 'll steal some money and make a new life somewhere else . I 'll go to another family member 's house if I need to . I don 't think I can stay here . " " You can 't just run off . " " Why not ? No one would care . Steven basically kicked me out today . That 's why I wanted to come over . He told me he didn 't want me to come home until after school . Everyone wants me gone . I 'll be doing everyone a favor . " " I every day after school if that 's what you want . Forget what my parents said . They 're just worried about me . They 're just afraid I 'll go down the ' bad path ' again . " " You went down a bad path ? " " That 's why we moved . I lost my little brother a few years ago and I got into some bad things . Pretty much the same things you 've done . Even after I cleaned up my act the kids at school still tormented me . So , we moved . I if you break your promise I 've got loads on you . " Sarah joked . " Honestly , even if you were to break your promise I probably wouldn 't even tell anyone you dated an older girl . I wouldn 't want to see anyone else bullied . Those guys can be pretty harsh . " " Do you not care about what I 've done ? " " Why of nice to know I 'm not the only bad Mormon in town . It makes me feel less worthless . " " You 're not worthless . " " Thanks Romeo , but that 's the opinion of one . It would take a lot more to actually make a difference . " " Can I share a scripture with you or would you hate me ? " She just smiled . " You 're too good of a friend for me to hate you . Go ahead and share the scripture . " Jeremy smiled and took out his phone . He opened up his scripture app and went to the Doctrine and Covenants . " Okay , this is D & C 18 : 10 ' Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God ' . After I cleaned up my act I read this scripture all the time . I just wanted to remind myself that even though everyone else hated me God knew my worth and loved me . " " I 've always loved that scripture . Can I tell you a secret ? " " I basically shared all my secrets with you . You can share yours with me . " " I felt it last night after reading the talk you gave me . " " What did you feel exactly ? " " The Spirit . I almost didn 't believe it at first , but I knew what it was . I hadn 't felt it in so long I didn 't think I could feel it again . " Jeremy smiled brighter than she 'd ever seen . " Sarah that 's fantastic ! That means the Spirit was testifying to you that the talk was true . " " I know . I really liked that talk . " " You did ? " " Yeah , it was really good . " " Would you read another one ? " " Only if it 's as good as the last one . " " Would you want to go back to my house and pick one out together ? " " I don 't know . Being totally honest , I get enough harassment at school . I 'd prefer not to get it from your parents . " " They won 't say anything . I 'll make sure of it . " " Okay , fine . " " Is there a topic you 'd like to read about ? " He asked as they made their way back to his house . " Not really . " " How does something on God 's love sound ? " " Corny , but I 'd read it . " Jeremy smiled and brought her into his house again . " Jeremy you do not walk out … " Jeremy 's mom 's words trailed off as she noticed me with her son . " I promise not to corrupt your son , Mrs . Thorn . If you 'll excuse us we have some church stuff to do . " Sarah told her politely . Jeremy held back a smile as he led her to a room with a computer . He sat at the computer and started searching for a talk . They spent the next ten minutes trying to decide on a talk . When they finally chose one they printed it out and she put in her bag . " I really appreciate your help , Jeremy . It means a lot to actually have one person on my side that knows where I 'm coming from . " Sarah confessed as he drove her home . " I know how much I needed someone when I was going through Hell and back . I 'm glad you can have someone . Now , that we 're friends and you don 't hate me , would you do me a huge favor ? " " I am not going to church . " " Don 't worry , that 's not what I was going to say . I was wondering if you would get rid if your bottle of alcohol . " She thought about it for a minute . " I guess I could do that . " " Really ? " " Yeah , I guess I need to start somewhere . That would be a good start . " " Do you mind if I come in and make sure you pour it down a drain or something ? " " If you really want to . I 'll probably be getting in trouble for being out late though . Be prepared for some possible yelling . " " You had to deal with my parents . I can deal with Steve and Mel . " He they quietly made their way upstairs . She got the bottle out of her closet and she took it downstairs . Jeremy watched as she poured it down the kitchen sink and threw the bottle in the trash . " There , now it 's gone forever . " She said feeling a weight lift from her shoulders . " Sarah , here have you been ? " Mel asked . " I 've been with Jeremy . " " What have you been doing with Jeremy ? " Sarah knew she could smell the alcohol that she had just dumped down the drain . " We weren 't doing anything bad . " " You better not be getting that boy into trouble again . His parents don 't want him going down the bad path again . " " I know that okay ? I all ready heard it all from his parents . I 'm not in the mood to deal with more people who think I 'm not good enough to hang out with him . Do you guys not realize that everyone cares except him ? I am not going to let one more person tell me that I can 't have the only friend that I have . No matter what anyone else says Jeremy and I are going to be friends . " Mel just stood there staring at her . " I 'll walk you out . " Sarah told Jeremy just wanting to get away from Mel . They walked outside and Sarah let out a sigh of relief . " I 'm anyone really cares what we have to say . They just know that I 'm bad and you 're good and they don 't want me turning you bad . I swear the people here act like I 'm freaking Hitler and I 'll turn anyone who gets close to me into a Nazi . " Jeremy laughed . " Let me know when you read that talk okay ? Maybe we can talk about it this time . " " Maybe we 'll talk about it , but no promises . " " That 's good enough . " She gave him a hug . " Thanks for helping me . " " Anytime . " He said hugging her back . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " " I 'll pick you up for school again . " " Sounds good . " " Hey Jeremy , I read the talk you gave me . " Sarah called Jeremy the next day after school . " What did you think ? " " I really liked it . I kind of keep thinking about how Uchtdorf said that Satan wants us to think that God doesn 't care about us . I can 't help but happened . " " Satan wants us to think that God doesn 't care about us so that we will be more susceptible to doing wrong things . If we think God doesn 't care then we don 't think anyone will care if we drink or do drugs . God cares . He really does and he hates to see us do the things we 're not supposed to . God loves each of us . " " I know . I can feel that that 's true . " " Did anything else stand out ? " " I that there is a life after this and at least in that life everything will be perfect . In that life I 'll have my family again and we 'll be together forever . " " That 's exactly what you needed to hear . I know it 's hard to lose a family member let alone the pain of all of them . I know without a doubt that you see them again someday as long as you keep on the path . " " Do you think He 's disappointed in me ? Do you think I 've let Him and my family down ? " " I don 't think you 've let anyone down . I think God is glad that you 're trying to be better . I know your family only wants you to be happy . I know they would hate to see you this upset , but I know they would be glad to see you interested in the church again . " " I don 't want anyone to be disappointed in me , especially my family . They always did everything they could to give me a good life . I owe them . " " As long as you 're trying to be better they 'll be proud of you . " " Thank you for giving me this talk , Jeremy . " " I told you I 'd help . " " Can I get your thoughts on something ? " Sarah asked nervously as they drove to school . " Yeah . " " I prayed for some guidance last night . I got an answer I really didn 't want , but I know it 's the right answer . I 'd like to go to church , just once . I want to see if I feel the Spirit again . At the same time , I 'm scared . I don 't want to see all the kids from school . I know they 'll make fun of me . " " If can leave . I only want you to go if you really want to go . I know it will be hard to go back . " " I know this is what I 'm supposed to do . I want to at least try it . " " Okay . I 'll pick up on Sunday for church . " " Where are you going ? " Steve asked as he saw her try to sneak out the door . " I 'm going somewhere with Jeremy . " Her voice shook with nervousness and she hoped he couldn 't tell . " Don 't let that boy miss church , Sarah . " " He 's not going to . " Sarah 's heart raced and her breathing went shallow as she waited for Jeremy to pick her up for church . She wore one of the dresses her mom had given her for her birthday before she died . The dress just made her feel warm and like she was in her mom 's arms . Jeremy pulled up and her heartbeat quickened . " You ready ? " He asked her noticing her nervousness . " Yeah , I want to do this . " They took her hand in his trying to calm her down . " I 'm not so sure I can do this anymore . " She told him . " Yes you can . I know you can . We 'll sit in the back where no one will see us . " " They all ready see us . Everyone is staring . " " Don 't worry about them . Your family would want you to be here . " They times than she would have liked . As she listened to the speakers she could feel the Spirit . Tears came to her eyes again , but this time she didn 't try to stop them . " What 's wrong ? " Jeremy asked worried . " I can feel it . " Was all she said . " Me too . " " Are you comfortable going to the next hour ? " He asked once Sacrament ended . " I think so . " They her seat as the kids who bullied her in school started to enter . Their eyes would widen as they saw her , but then they 'd turn hard and hateful . " Don 't worry about them . They won 't do anything at church . " Jeremy whispered to her reassuringly . " I hope so . " " I see we have a visitor . " The teacher pointed out . " Would you like to introduce yourself ? " " I 'm Sarah . I 'm friends with Jeremy . " She tried to sound normal and not nervous . " Wonderful , I 'm pleased to meet you . Do you go to school with everyone here ? " Unfortunately , I thought . " Yeah I do . " " Good , maybe that will make you more comfortable . " He had good intentions , but he didn 't know how evil those kids were . The guys mostly stayed out of her way , but the girls were plain evil . Sarah ignored their glares as she listed to the teacher speak and watched the video he showed . She stayed behind a little after class to thank him . " I 'd like to say thank you for that wonderful lesson and for being so kind . " She actually enjoyed that class minus the glares . " I 'm just fulfilling my calling , but I 'm glad you liked the lesson . I hope to see you again . " " I 'd like to come again . " She said honestly before leaving . " I really appreciate you doing this for me Jeremy . " " There 's no need to keep thanking me . I 'm doing what a good missionary is supposed to do . Are you comfortable going to Young Women 's ? I know the girls are the meanest out of anyone . " " I 'd really like to hear another lesson . I 'm going to try it . " " Okay , but if you need to leave just tell me . " " I 'll let you know if they suddenly attack me . " " I saw how they looked at you in class . They 're not very happy with you being here . " " I know that . I just don 't really want to leave yet . " " I 'm glad you want to stay . " Jeremy showed her where to go and she sat in the back corner of the room by herself . As the girls started to come in she got glares again . She just brushed them off . " What are you doing here ? " Barbra asked rudely . " I came to church to learn . " " Sure you did . You should know we have a strict no drinking and no doing drugs here in the Mormon Church . I 'm pretty sure you forgot that one . Now you are not only dragging yourself down , but Jeremy as well . I heard all about that party you dragged him to and how you spiked his drink . He 's just too nice to tell you to go away . " She sneered . " I didn 't do anything to Jeremy . We didn 't go to any party together . I did not spike his drink either . " " I 'm sure you didn 't . We all know you 're a little liar . We all know you 're not really interested in church . You 're just trying to drag Jeremy down because he reminds you of your brother . " Sarah sucked in a breath at the felt the overwhelming urge to slap her . She stood shakily trying to control herself . " I would never ruin someone 's life like that . I would never hurt someone like that . You want to know why ? I would never want to be like you . " Sarah walked out calmly , but once she was out the door she ran out of the building . She sat on the curb believed everything they heard and attacked her for it any chance they got . All she wanted was to go to church and try to get close to God again . She got out her phone ready to text Jeremy when he walked out the door . " I went to make sure you were okay , but you weren 't in class . " " Yeah , I had to leave . You know I 'm not using you right ? " She asked letting what Barbra said get to her . " What ? Where did that come from ? " " Everyone thinks I 'm using you . They think I 'm trying to prevent you from going on your mission . I just want you to know I would never do that . " " I know you would never do that . " " All church again they wouldn 't do anything . I didn 't think they would try to prevent me from going to church . " " Next week maybe we can skip last hour and have a mini lesson outside or in my car . " " Would you do that ? I don 't want your parents to think I 'm making you skip church . I 'd like for someone to like me . " " It 's not a big deal . I can deal with my parents . I just want you to come to church again . " " I 'd like to continue going to church . " For they would go outside and have their own lesson . The more she went the less everyone seemed to care . She still didn 't dare go to Young Women 's . One day while they were having their own lesson outside the Bishop came up to them . " Would you mind if I sat in on your lesson ? " He asked . " Not at all . " Sarah said with a smile . They continued their lesson with the Bishop . Sarah learned a lot more with the Bishop chiming in and answering her questions . " Sarah would you mind talking to me in my office ? " The Bishop asked when hey ended their lesson . " Sure . " She said nervously . " I 'll meet you at my car when you 're done . " Jeremy told her . " Can I ask why you two always have a lesson outside ? I 've seen you out there for a few weeks now . " " I don 't really get along with the girls in last hour . I still wanted to hear a lesson so Jeremy offered to teach me instead . " " Can I ask why you don 't get along with the girls ? " " Being downhill . Now they 're all convinced I 'm trying to bring Jeremy down . They don 't want me to bring them down so they tried to get rid of me . It my family died part of me died with them . I needed someone to be there for me and to help me get through it , but no one wanted to talk about it . They didn 't understand that I needed to talk about it . I started drinking so that I could forget about it for a little while . I tried it once and everyone found out . They started to hate me and they all stopped talking to me . They would call me names and I hurt me . It able to forget about things for a little while . Even though I 'm trying to come back they all still hate me . I 'm just tired of people hating me . " " Would it bother you if I spoke to the girls ? Maybe I could get them to be kind . " " If you 'd like to try , I wouldn 't mind . I really enjoy being back and I 'd like to go to Young Women 's again . " " I 'll talk to them at mutual on Wednesday . Would you like to come to mutual ? We 're going to listen to a talk and have popcorn and ice cream . " " That was always my favorite mutual activity , but I 'd rather not . Maybe once I can get along with the girls I 'll go . " " Fair enough . Thanks for talking with me . If you ever have a problem with anyone just let me know . " " Thank you , I will . " " Are you ready for testimony meeting ? " Jeremy asked as he picked her up for church . " They were always kind of cool because you got to hear what the church meant to everyone . Everyone always had a different story . The only part that sucked was the no food . It 's still sucks to be honest . " That month Sarah fasted that she would be accepted more in the church . She didn 't want to be an outsider anymore . She wanted everyone to realize that she wasn 't as bad as they thought . They times they went . Mel and Steve smiled proudly at her every time they saw her . When testimony meeting started Sarah was surprised to see Jeremy go up . He smiled at her as he sat and waited for his turn . " My testimony has grown a lot since I 've moved here . I know that things happen for a reason . I know why I was supposed to move here . I know that Finally , I got her to come to church again . It still wasn 't perfect . She was uncomfortable with coming at first . Eventually she started to like it . Now I don 't even have to ask if she wants to come . She 's always ready and eager to come . I 'd like to thank her for coming back . I know personally how hard it is to come back after you 've fallen away . I 'm proud of her for doing so . I want her to know that I know with all my heart that this church is true . I know that by coming to church you can become closer to God . I know that our families can be together forever . I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ , amen . " Jeremy smiled as he sat down next to Sarah . She could only hug him and say thank you . Without even thinking her legs moved and before she knew she was up at the podium . " I help from friends in the beginning , but I gave up when I realized no one cared . All my life I was taught to help those who needed it . At the time I didn 't understand why no one was willing to help me . I turned down a road I wasn 't supposed to . I started doing things I wasn 't supposed to . Inside I knew it wrong the whole time . All I kept thinking was that I wanted it all to go away . I wanted all the pain to go away . I that my family will be together again if I live righteously . If this hadn 't happened I would have never met my best friend . I know that at times things seem dark and hopeless , but if we stay on the path and live right things will be okay . I 'm glad to have my testimony of this church back . I know that this church is true and I know that God does love each of us . I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ , amen . " My heart pounded as I made my way back to my seat . I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I knew from that moment on that everything was going to be okay . I knew that as long as I kept getting better that everything would be okay and my life could be happy again . I owed it all to Jeremy . The one person who refused to give up on me . I could never thank him enough for giving me my life back . The End This was the first week my sister got to actually home school . She really liked it . She is doing a different program than I am . She only has three classes . . . 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It was a dark , cold , rainy night , and I 'm sitting at my messy desk in my sleazy office above the long - shuttered Woolworth 's store , gulping down shot after shot of bourbon . This old gumshoe is in need of money , a woman and a case - and not necessarily in that order . Suddenly , there 's a light knock near the bottom of the door , and in strolls a freakin ' leprechaun . In an Irish brogue , he says : " Me wants me pot of gold back . Give it to me ! " Well , let 's backup here for a moment . It 's not dark or cold or night or anything like that . It 's ten a . m . , and it 's the day after Halloween . Yes , I am at my desk in my sleazy office , but it 's not above a long - shuttered Woolworth 's store . It 's above a dentist office in a rundown section of the inner city of downtown St . Louis , Missouri . It 's not actually my office , either . As the painted , block , black letters on the glass top section of the wooden - framed front door clearly states : " Hurts and Mayor 's Detective Agency " - I share this office with one James Hurts . He 's fast asleep on our tattered , old , black , leather couch that 's next to the door to the office - the poor old guy . Both of us should have gone to the hospital . We 're both pretty bang - up - we both have bruises and cuts to the face and body , and bite marks : Jim got beat up worse than I did , though . Jim retired last year , in 2008 , after thirty years with the city police department . He opened this place up about six months ago because he got bored with being retired . I came on board four months ago . He had placed an ad in the newspaper , wanted a partner or an associate - someone who would assist him with cases and help pay the rent : Actually , I think besides wanting someone to help him pay the rent , he was lonely and wanted someone to talk with . I accepted . I hadn 't wanted to , but at least it was a way of getting Mom off my back about opening up my own detective agency . See , I 'm no detective . I got roped into doing this because of who and what I am - a loser . I 've always hated working . I 'll do anything to get out of working . I 'm fifty - eight - years - old , and if it wasn 't for the kindness of my parents still permitting me to live with them , I 'd be on the streets . So , a couple of years ago , at Christmas time , I 'm feeling sorry for my mom because it 's Christmas and we had to place my father in an assistant - living facility because of him having Alzheimer 's . I started watching old detective movies with Mom at night and one night I conned her into believing that I had what it takes to be a private eye . I thought it was funny . Well , the next day , she gets me my first client , our next - door neighbor . I solved two murders on that one , and last year , I saved a girl from being murdered . Now that case was really bizarre . A Mafia hit - man had tried to kill this girl , but someone killed him instead . She didn 't see who killed him , and she wanted me to find out whom and why someone had tried to kill her , and who and why someone was following her . Well , it turns out that it was her boss who wanted her dead , and the guy who was following her was her dad . Her dad was protecting her . He had been missing for seven years - and get this : he was a vampire . Mom was scared to death of him . Mom 's very religious and kept calling him Satan 's son and such . It 's not too bad working with Jim , though . We don 't do very much . Since I 've been with him , we 've only had three cases : All three cases were of wives wanting to know if their husbands were cheating on them with other women - two of them were and one of them was cheating on his wife by going to cheap motels and having sex with watermelons . You should have seen the pictures we took of that guy . It was disgusting . He would cut out a hole in the watermelon and - well , I don 't want to talk about it . Mostly , Jim and I sit at our wooden old desks and shoot the breeze , or we play cards , or we watch TV , or we read the newspaper , or we sleep , and on and on . Jim can be pretty grouchy at times - like with the desks . I mean , it 's bad enough that this office is only about double the size that the closet is in my upstairs bedroom , but he was determined that one of the desks had to face the door to the office , which is in the middle of the east wall . This meant that one of the desks had to be against the west wall , in front of the four tall , narrow windows that face the street below . On sunny days , the sun comes barreling down on you - or on me I should say . Jim arrogantly stated that since he was here first , that that was my desk . Because the almost - breadbox - size small bathroom is against the north wall , Jim positioned his desk against the south wall . That sun can be brutal , too . I wanted him to split the cost and buy curtains or something , but he shouted that that would be too " girlish " looking . And his stories are always better than my stories , or so he always thinks . Well , one day I got pissed at him , and I decided to shut him up good . I told him how last year I had saved a girl 's life from being murdered by a vampire . That 's right . A vampire . But then he says : " That 's nothing . My last case for the city was at the Grand Hotel . Do you remember how people kept dying there ? Well , it was a … " He goes on to tell me how that hotel was possessed by something called a Thesulac demon . Thesulac demons are invisible and they prey off of your most inner fears and insecurities . They whisper into your ear that you 're going to be found - out . Jim said that it almost got him , but he figured out what it was and killed it . " No , " he said , arrogantly . " A Thesulac demon beats a vampire any day of the week . " Jim 's an OK guy , though . When I first met him and told him that I drive my mother down every day to visit and feed my dad lunch at the facility he in , Jim said : " Oh , I don 't have a problem with that . Family comes first . " From some of the " war stories " Jim has told me about being on the police force , I get the impression that Jim wasn 't the most honest of cops - that he was about as crocked as is that long scar on the left side of his face . But then last year , last Halloween , after he had killed that demon , his whole life changed . He got religion . He prays ; he goes to church , and he even has a relationship with his two daughters . He hadn 't seen them since they were children . They had wanted nothing to do with him because of how he had treated - or mistreated - their mother . But he kept begging them to forgive him - - kept telling them that he was a changed man , that he had even found religion , and that he would do whatever they asked of him if they would only forgive him - and they finally did , somewhat . Mom sure likes Jim . Jim has had supper with us several times now , and once Mom found - out that Jim was a Christian - well , they 're like two peas in a pod . " Those are true words , Lill , " Jim replied heartily . " Amen to that . " Both Jim and I always wear our tattered suits in the office . We hadn 't had a case in quite a while , and money was getting tight . My black leather loafers looked just awful - I even think that a heel was coming off of one of them . This past Thursday was just dead . Jim and I were both bored out of our minds . At a quarter - to - eight , Jim and I decided to shut the place down and go home . Then , suddenly , the door to the office burst open and this kid - he was in his early twenties , wearing a black T - shirt and jeans that were unzipped and below his hips : he was holding them up with his right hand - comes staggering into the office and then collapses facedown onto the dirty , hard , old linoleum floor . " Help me get him to the couch , " Jim said to me . We carried him to the couch . He wasn 't heavy to carry at all . He was thin and about five - six , or five - seven , feet tall . He had raven - black hair - clearly a dye job : I told myself that he must be into that Goth stuff . - that was worn long on the right side of his head , and he was all chewed up - literally . Besides having cuts and bruises on his face and arms , he had bite marks on his long , slender arms . " Who 's got your girlfriend ? " Jim asked . " C ' mon , kid . Stay with us here , " Jim continued , slapping him lightly in the face . " What 's your name ? " " Here , " I said to Jim , handing him the cup . Jim handed him the cup and he gulped it down thirstily . This seemed to revive him , somewhat . After a few minutes had passed in which he seemed to be collecting his thoughts , he said : " My grandma died last month , and she left me a lot of stocks and bonds . I had them changed into gold coins . Tomorrow , my girlfriend and me were going to rent a car and move to Chicago . We both work at Pete 's Laundry - O - Mat on 4th street . We wanted , like , a new life , you know . Well , yesterday , my two best dudes , Fred and Tim Spencer , - - they 're brothers - were over at our apartment and they saw the coins in a pot on the kitchen table . Well , today , about six o ' clock , I walked down the street to get Cindy and me some hamburgers , - - Cindy 's my girlfriend , Cindy Parker - and when I get back to the apartment , it 's like trashed , man , and Cindy 's gone . The phone rings and its Fred . He says that they got Cindy , and if I want her back I better bring them the gold . I was on my way there when they jumped me right outside of this building . They took my gun and the four gold coins I had on me . They beat me up , man . " He paused for a moment , and then continued . " Can you guys help me ? They only live a few blocks away from here . I 'll pay you . Each coin is worth two thousands dollars , and if they haven 't gotten them , Cindy had four of them on her , and I 'll tell her to give them to you . " Jim and I looked at each other , and we were both smiling and thinking the same thing : Four gold coins at two thousands each would be eight thousands dollars . Ca - ching ! We just hit the jackpot . The neighborhood where those two bothers lived was pretty old and rundown . Both sides of the narrow city street were lined with two - storied , red - brick , old houses . Large maple trees stood guard over both sides of the sidewalks . We got out of the car and walked up three cracking cement steps . We followed a narrow cement path to our left that separated the two houses and lead to the backyard . At the backyard , we saw a dilapidated wooden porch . Like the door to our office , the back door was wooden - framed , with the top half of it being glass . As quietly and carefully as we could , we climbed the three wooden steps and went to the sides of the door and peeked inside . Sitting at the kitchen table , and restrained by rope fastened to the metal - frame of a kitchen chair , sat a girl about Todd 's age . She had waist - length - long black hair and matching eyes and eyebrows . She was wearing a white pullover blouse and skin - tight white jeans that hugged that slender body of hers . She was a good - looking gal - in a sleazy way . Her face had a hardness to it - a gal of little education , who even at her young age had had it rough . A large , floppy , black leather purse sat on top on the table in front of the girl . The top of the table was cluttered empty beer bottles , an ashtray filled with smoked butts , and a sawed - off shotgun . Two , tall , burly guys , - - both wearing white T - shirts and tattered old jeans - with tattoos running up and down their hairy arms , stood at opposite ends of the table . They seemed to be arguing with each other . Jim motioned for me to back off the porch . When we got to the bottom of the porch , Jim said : " I 'd like to get those guys away from her and distract their attention . I 'm hoping that that backdoor is unlocked , but if it isn 't , I can pick it . That way , I could get the drop on them . " " How many times do I have to tell you , Mayor , that I don 't have a gun , " Jim said to me , arrogantly . " Your dick 's a gun . What I have here , " he continued , touching the left side of his armpit over his light - blue suit - coat , " is a 9mm . semi - automatic pistol . " Holding that empty pizza box , and after knocking hard on the wooden , Grecian - styled , old front door , I shouted , " Pizza man . I have your pizza for you . Pizza man . " " Well , do you want this pizza ? " I asked . " It 's a good pizza . It 's hamburger with pineapple on it . I don 't know why anyone would put pineapple on a pizza . Pineapple is a fruit , and why you would - no , maybe pineapple is a vegetable . Let 's see now , vegetables have seeds , and fruit doesn 't have - " I then heard a loud cracking sound , which was immediately followed by a moan and then the sound of something , or someone , falling to the floor . A few seconds later , Jim opened the door . I stepped inside . One of those guys was lying facedown on the wooden floor , knocked - out cold , with that sawed - off shotgun lying beside him and Jim 's broken baseball bat . " Who are you guys ? " she said as I entered the kitchen . Her voice sounded rough and gravelly - like she had smoked for years . I found it kind of sexy . Tossing that empty pizza box onto the table , and knocking the ashtray and an empty beer bottle to the floor , I said : " You 're Cindy , right ? " She nodded yes . " We 're the private detectives your boyfriend hired to save you . " I untied her , and she reached into that black purse on the table and pulled a pack of cigarettes from it . After lighting a cigarette , she went straight to the refrigerator , got a beer from it , unscrewed the cap with the fingers of her black painted fingernails , and chugged down that whole beer in one long gulp . She let out a thunderous loud belch , and then said : " Oh , I needed that . " I told myself that she was a screamer in bed . I pictured myself on top of her and she was just screaming away with pleasure . She screamed - Jim grabbed him by his shirt at the chest with his left hand , and he made a fist with his right hand and pulled it back as if he was going to punch the guy . He said : " You better speak nice to me if you want to keep your teeth . Are you Tim or Fred ? " " OK , Fred , " Jim said , " that 's better . Here 's the deal , Fred . You and your bother here stay away from Cindy and Todd . If you ever bother them again , I 'll come back here , and if I come back here , you and your brother are dead . I 'll throw your stinking , rotting bodies into the river for the fishes to eat . Got me , Fred ? " While we were driving back to the office , I called Mom on my cell phone and told her that Jim and I had been on a case and that I 'd be home in about an hour . I told her not to wait up for me , though , that she should go to bed . She told me that she would and that I should be careful . We got back to the office a little after ten o ' clock . Todd was asleep on the couch , and when Cindy saw him , she goes to him and cries : " Todd , what happened to you , honey ? ! Who busted you up like this ? " Jim took one of them , and after biting it and inspecting the coin , he winked at me and said : " Its pure gold . " The coins were about the size of a quarter , and they were funny looking . I mean , they didn 't have any markings or writing on them . They were simply coins made of gold . " Would you guys like to make four more gold coins ? " Cindy said , and then looked at Todd for approval . " We want to move to Chicago tomorrow . Todd has the gold in a gym bag , and he buried the gym bag in the yard behind our apartment . If you guys help me dig up the gold , pack up some clothes , rent a car and help me get Todd into the car , we 'll give you four more gold coins . " " But you 're so tired , Jim , " I replied . " Look at you . You 're all worn - out . I 'll go . " " Stop babying me , Mayor , " Jim stated . " Jesus , you 're not my mother . I 'll go - you don 't need that type of trouble anyway . " " No , I don 't , " I repeated , lying to him . Jim always keeps a bottle of bourbon in his desk . " Just go back to sleep - lover - boy . " I fell asleep . I don 't know how long I slept , but suddenly I was jerked awake by being thrown away from my desk . I felt hands all over me , holding me down in the chair . I opened my eyes and - and the room was filled with leprechauns . Leprechauns ! There had to be twenty or thirty of them in the room . They were all dressed alike , either in all green or red coats , with matching vests and pants and black leather shoes - and buckles . They had large , silver - like buckles on their pilgrim - like hats , and on their belts and on their shoes . They all had flaming red hair and red beards , except for the women , of course : they didn 't have beards , and all of them couldn 't have been over three feet tall . One of them was straddling the top of my desk . He was smoking a small white pipe . He took it out of his baby - sized mouth , and angrily pointed the tip of it at me , and barked : " Where 's me pot on gold ? ! " I was shaking with fear , but before I could answer him , he sniffed the air , and then shouted with jubilation : " Me gold ! Me gold ! " He let out this shriek laughter of : " HeeEEEEEEE ! " and spun around , jumped off my desk , dashed over to Jim 's desk , jumped up onto it , opened the middle drawer , and cursed : " Damn ! Damn ! " He grabbed those four gold coins in his tiny hand , jumped back up onto my desk , and holding out the arm and hand to me that was holding the four gold coins , he shouted : " Where 's the rest of me gold ? ! " " Off with his pants , " he said , and two of them unbuckled my belt , unbuttoned my pants and then pull my pants down to my angles . " Now tape him up , " he said , and two others duct taped my hands and legs to the chair . Then one of them placed a piece of duct tape over my mouth . " Your shoes ! " he then shouted angrily , pointing to my feet . " Disgusting ! Shameful ! … One at a time … Damn you … It 's nearly dawn … Apron ! " and someone handed him a small , full - length , leather apron , which he pull on . " One at a time , " he stated again , and one of them handed him one of my shoes . " Tools ! " he then said , and I watched as he repaired that shoe and then the other one , cursing me the whole time : " Damn you … It 's nearly dawn … One shoe at a time … Heel ! … Shoes in need of repair must be repaired - immediately … Soul ! … One shoe at a time … Damn you ! … It 's nearly dawn … Polish ! … Damn you … One shoe at a time … . " When he finished , he set my shoes down on the right inner - edge of my desk , close to me . He jumped off my desk and dashed over to where Todd was sleeping . " Bring him with us , " he barked . Four or five of them got at each end of Todd , and they lifted him on to twelve or fourteen of them and they began carrying him out the door . Todd woke up and he began shouting : " Hey , man . What the fuck 's going on here ? ! … Help me ! Help me ! " and then one of them hit him in the head with a tiny hammer . " What the hell happened here ? " Jim said after entering the office and seeing me : He was carrying a black gym bag with dirt on it in his right hand . Cindy cried : " Where 's Todd ? ! Where 's Todd ? ! " " Help me get him loose , " Jim said to Cindy , setting the gym bag down on top of my desk , next to my shoes . After removing a pocketknife from his suit - coat pocket and opening it , he began cutting the duct tape from around my wrists . Cindy ripped that piece of duck tape from my mouth in one quick sweep of her wrist and hand . " Ouch , " I yelled , still tasting the glue from the duck tape on my mouth . " Leprechauns , " I said , hurriedly , suddenly out of breath . " Hundreds of them - thousands of them . They filled this room . " " It 's gone ! " Jim yelled , after looking in the drawer . " The money 's gone … What are you trying to pull here , Mayor ? ! " Jim said to me . " What do you mean ' What am I trying to pull here ' ? " I replied , standing up and pulling up my pants . " Do you think that I tied myself up ? Do you think that I pulled my pants down ? … Look at my shoes , " I said , holding them up . " Look at them . They look brand new . It was the leprechauns . The leprechauns . " " Cindy , " I began , " I like you a lot , but for Todd 's sake , you better tell us the truth . One of them did all the talking - I guess he was the leader . He told me that if we wanted to see Todd again that we had to bring him his pot of gold back tonight , at Crondolet Park . So , again , for Todd 's sake , what 's this all about ? " She was silent for a moment , and then she reached into her purse and removed a pack of cigarettes from it and a lighter . After lighting the cigarette , she bent down and retrieved that coffee cup from the floor that Jim had given Todd a drink of water from the night before . Holding it up , she said : " You mind if I use this as an ashtray ? " " Really ? " Jim said to me , dryly . " You don 't mind ? " He reached into a drawer of his desk , and removed from it a plastic , black ashtray . " Here , " he said , walking to her , " I 'm trying to quit , but I smoke , too . " He handed it to her , and she said : " God , I wish I had a beer or some whiskey . " Jim looked at me , and then said : " All right . " He went back to his desk , and from another drawer he produced a full bottle of bourbon . " Use his coffee cup for this , " he said , handing her the bottle . He returned to his desk and sat down . Balancing the ashtray on her knees , she poured herself a stiff drink . After gulping it all down in one gulp , she poured herself another drink and then set the bottle down on the floor beside her . She then took a long drag from her cigarette , released it , and then sat back and told us the whole story . Fred , Tim , Todd and she have been friends for years . Sometimes they like to get " buzzed - out - of - their - minds " - on alcohol , pot , coke , or whatever drugs they can get . Often , when they do this , they then go out and " raise some hell . " They jump into Fred old car and break into cars and steal whatever is in the car ; they rob teenagers and old people at gunpoint , and on and on . They save going to Crondolet Park for last , because the later in the night that they arrive there , the easier it is to rob drunken teenagers and homosexuals . Wednesday , they had arrived at the park just before dawn . It began raining , hard - " cats - and - dogs " hard . Fred pulled over it was raining so hard . It began thundering and lightning . Then , this one lightning exploded into daylight , and Todd shouted : " Look , over there by that tree ! - a fucking rainbow ! … What 's that that 's shining by that tree ? " he said , and then he jumped out of the car and dashed over to it . He comes back carrying this small black pot in both hands . Jim got up from his chair and came over to my desk . He unzipped the gym bag , revealing the pot of gold . " Leprechauns , " he stated , looking at the gold , and thinking . " Leprechauns , " he repeated . " Do you want Todd back ? " he said , after turning around and facing Cindy . " All right , " he then said . " Here the deal . We 'll get Todd back for you , and you can keep the gold . But we want half of it . " " Half of it ? ! " Cindy cried . " That 's no fucking fair , man . That gold is ours . " " That does seem a bit unfair , Jim , " I said . " What about taking only a third of it ? " Jim shot a murderous look at me . " Half of it , " he stated , still looking at me . Then he turned to Cindy , and said : " Do we have a deal ? " After setting my coffee cup back down on the floor , and after getting up and grabbing her purse , she said : " I got to use the toilet first . " When she got to the door of the bathroom , she turned around and said : " Oh , could we stop and get some burgers and beer - and I just have to stop somewhere and get some tampons . I 'm on the rag . " " No , you won 't , " Jim stated adamantly . " You get on your laptop , " he said , pointing to my desk , referring to the laptop that I have in one of the drawers , " and see what you can find out about leprechauns . And when we leave here , you go into that bathroom and do whatever you have to do to relieve your sexual tension . " After they left , I did what Jim told me to do . It did help , somewhat . I also took a drink of Jim 's whiskey , and then returned the bottle to one of his drawers . They returned to the office a little after ten o ' clock . In one hand , Cindy had a large paper - bag of hamburgers and fries , - - they smelt delicious , and I was starving - in her other hand , she had a 12 - pack of cold beers . Jim had two bags , too . One of them was a paper - bag the size of a grocery bag , and had the words written across it in black letters : WILSON ' S HARDWARE . The other bag was smaller and of green plastic . Jim sat at his desk and Cindy and I stood at the other end of it , and we devoured those hamburgers and fries : Cindy had two beers to our one . After eating , we all felt full and sleepy . Cindy went to the couch , flopped down on it , and lit a cigarette . Jim took a pack of cigarettes out of one of his suit - coat pockets and lit a cigarette , too . Jim kept flicking his ashes into the small , plastic , black trashcan that was beside his desk . After he had finished smoking , Jim tossed all of the hamburger wrappers , French fries containers , and the bag that they all came in into the trashcan . Then he said : " Let 's get to work . Cindy , bring those bags here . " From the large paper - bag , Jim removed electrical box after electrical box and tossed them onto the desk in a pile . " How many of these did you buy ? " I asked . He then removed three files from the bag and three screwdrivers and placed them on the desk . Holding up one of the electrical boxes , he picked up a screwdriver and tapped the metal disk out of it . Each electrical box contained five disks : two on both sides and one on the bottom . " After we knockout all of the coverings on these boxes , " Jim said , " we 're going to file them down into perfect quarter - like coins . Then comes the fun part , " he said . From the smaller bag , Jim removed a perfume - sized bottle and three slender paintbrushes . Holding up the bottle , he said : " Pure liquid gold . Let 's get started . " I helped them work on removing those disks from the electrical boxes until eleven - thirty . That 's when I left the office , drove home , picked up Mom and drove her down to visit and feed Dad lunch . Mom said that I looked exhausted , and that I stunk and needed a bath and a shave . Well , we all did , stunk , that is . Even Cindy smelled of body odor - but her body odor smelt sweet . It intoxicated me . I had thought about taking a bath and changing into one of my other two suits , but I wanted to get back to the office . I got back to the office a little after one - thirty . Jim and Cindy were both sleeping : Jim at his desk , and Cindy was on the couch . Newspaper covered the top of Jim 's desk like a blanket , and on top of the newspaper were the disks , painted in gold and drying . I went to my desk and sat down . Cindy 's back was to me , and she was lying in a fetal position . The back of her white blouse was up a bite and I could see skin - the crack of her ass . Seeing that sent sexual chills running up and down my body , and I had to see more of it : I just had to . I got up and stealthily tip - toed over to her . " You 're a real piece of work , Mayor , " Jim said . " You 're old enough to be her father ; she 's not in the least bit interested in you , and a two - dollar whore has more class than she 's got . Just go to sleep . " Jim had taken the Leprechauns ' gold out of the gym bag and poured it into the top left drawer of his desk . With his hands , he then scooped - up the gold - painted disks , and placed them into the black pot . He then placed the pot back into the gym bag , zipped it up , and then carried it down to the car when we left . Crondolet Park was about ten blocks south of the office . Crondolet Park has been a staple in St . Louis since the turn of the century . I think it was named after a Union leader of the Civil War . It covers about a two - mile area , and is a great place for picnics , family reunions , romantic moonlight strolls in the park and on and on . It has two ponds for fishing and two long , old pavilions of bloodless red brick . The one who had done all of the talking at the office came up to Jim . He stopped in front of him , sniffed the air , and shouted : " Me gold ! Me gold ! " and jumped up and down and then did a little jig . " HeeeEEEEH , " he laughed , and then said : " Give me me pot of gold ! " Escorted by four leprechauns , Todd suddenly appeared . He looked horrible . It looked as if they had beaten him up again . He had fresh cuts and bruises to his face , and fresh bite marks to his arms and legs . His arms and hands were bound behind him with duck tape at the wrists , and his pants hung around his ankles . A piece of duck tape covered his mouth . He walked slowly and unsteadily , and looked as if he were going to pass - out facedown at any moment . We laid Todd down . Jim grabbed him by the head , and I grabbed him by the feet . We lifted him up , and with Cindy behind us , we ran back to Jim 's car as fast as we could . We threw Todd into the back seat , got into the car , and sped away . My laptop case has a long shoulder - strap to it . I sat the case down on top of Jim 's desk and unzipped it . After removing the drawer that contained the gold coins from his desk , Jim poured the coins into the case . Jim didn 't want to leave those coins in the office . He said that we should rent a locker at the bus station and leave the coins there until tomorrow when we would split our share of the coins and deposit them in the bank . I agreed . At the bus station , we rented a locker . Jim set the case in the upper section of the locker and started to close the locker , but then he changed his mind . He reached back into the locker , unzipped the case , and removed five coins from it . Turning back to me , he said : " I just like the feel of having gold on me . I 'm going to buy an island in Fiji with my share … Do you want some ? " " Yeah , " I replied . " I 'll take five coins , too . " Jim handed me five coins , and I placed them into the right pocket of my dark - gray suit - coat . Jim re - zipped the case , closed the light - grey , metal door of the locker , and we left . At home , in my bedroom , the first thing that I did was toss those five coins into the middle drawer of my desk . My desk is situated against the east wall , under a long , narrow window that faces the street below . After removing my wallet and keys from my pants pockets and setting them on top of my desk , I removed my red tie , and then unclipped my cell phone from my belt , and set them both down on top of the desk . Then , I ripped those stinking clothes off of me and tossed them into a pile on the hardwood , cold - to - the - bare - feet , old floor . I slipped into my black sweatpants . I didn 't want to wake up Mom , but - - and as tired as I was - I just had to take a shower and shave . I did . I don 't know what time it was , but suddenly I felt this heavy pain to my chest , as if a heavy object had been thrown against my chest . It startled me awake . There , sitting on top of me , with his short legs and buckled - shoed feet on both sides of my face , sat that leprechaun who had done all of the talking . Other leprechauns held me down to the bed . The room was packed with leprechauns . His temper was as red - hot as was his hair and beard . " Trying to trick a leprechaun will get you killed , boy , " he barked . He thrust his right arm and hand out in front of my face . In his small hand he held five coins . " Where 's the rest of me gold ? ! " he demanded . I awoke with a startle . I felt dizzy and disorientated , and the inside of my head ached with a sharp , stabbing pain . My arms and hands were bound behind my back at the wrists with duck tape . My legs were also bound at the ankles with duck tape , and I was lying there in my underwear - my sweatpants were at my ankles . I also had a piece of duck tape over my mouth . I tried to sit up , but I couldn 't . I heard the phone ringing downstairs in the kitchen . I struggled to break my arms and hands free , but I couldn 't . I looked over at my alarm - clock on top of my desk . It was a little after twelve - thirty . I thought of Dad . This would be the first time since we had placed Dad in that facility that we wouldn 't go down to visit with him and feed him lunch . This sadden my greatly . I struggled again to free myself , but I just couldn 't . My cell phone began ringing . I struggled again , and again and again . I just couldn 't free myself . Time dragged on . Then , at a quarter - after - one , I heard Jim yell : " Tom ! " as his heavy body lumbered heavily up the wooden stairs . " Tom ! " he yelled again . " Lill ! " " Mommmommmomm , " I said to him through the duck tape covering my mouth . He ripped the duck tape from my mouth . " They got Mom , Jim , " I said to him , hurriedly and worriedly . " The leprechauns took Mom . " " Damn ! " he replied , angrily . Jim was wearing his dark - blue , pinned - striped suit , with a black tie . He reached into the right pocket of his suit - coat and removed his pocketknife from it . He opened it and cut me loose . " Here , " he said , handing me the now closed pocketknife , " you take this one in case this happens to us again . I got another one . I had a hell of a time getting to it and cutting myself free . " " Let 's not panic here , " Jim said , sitting down on the bed beside me . " Let 's think here . What can we do to get your mom back and trick them - " " Oh , no , Jim , " I protected . " No more tricks ; no more games ; no more deals , " I stated . " I want Mom back , period . " He rose from my bed and walked to the door . He stopped , turned back around , and said : " Don 't worry , Tom . We 'll get her back . I promise . " He then left . At eight o ' clock on the dot , Jim pulled up in front of our house . Wearing my light - blue suit , white dress shit and red tie , I walked swiftly to his car , carrying two , large , brown - paper , groceries bags , - - one in each hand - by the crumbled - up tops of them . After I got into the car , and as I was setting the two paper - bags onto the backseat , Jim said : " What 's in the bags ? " Once inside of the park , Jim parked the car in the same spot where he had the night before . My laptop case sat on the front seat between us . Jim reached for its shoulder - strap . I placed my hand on top of Jim 's and said : " This is my show tonight , Jim . I 'll carry the gold . " With my laptop case strapped over my right shoulder , and carrying those two paper - bags , we headed for that cluster of tall maple trees where we had the night before . The park was the same as it had been the night before . There was a coldness in the night air , and there was that same eerie mist that hung low to the ground around those trees . The only difference between last night and this night was that this night there was a wind in the air . It howled through the trees and blew in our faces and tousled our hair . Well , at least it did to my long , salt - and - pepper , mop of hair : Jim always wears his salt - and - pepper hair short , in crew - cut style . Jim looked worried . I didn 't know if it was because of what we were doing , or if it was because he was worried about Mom , or if it was because it was Halloween night . Maybe it was a combination of all of those things . I wasn 't worried or scared . I was damn angry and determined to get my Mom back , or be killed in attempting to do so . The one who had done all of the talking came up to Jim and me . He sniffed the air , pointed to my laptop case , and shouted : " Me gold ! Me gold ! " He jumped up and down in place , and then did a little jig . " Give me me gold ! " he demanded . As with Todd the night before , escorted by four leprechauns , she suddenly appeared before us . Although she looked worn - out , it looked as if she hadn 't been beaten up . She didn 't have any cuts or bruises , or bite marks , on her . Her mouth was cover with a piece of duck tape , and her arms and hands were bound behind her back at the wrists with duck tape . She had worn her white long - johns to bed last night , and now the bottom half of them sagged loosely around her ankles . She stood before us in her thin , white underwear . I don 't know if it was because I was so relieved to see her , or if it was because of seeing her in her underwear , but I wanted to laugh . I knelt down and set the two bags down on the ground on both sides of me . I then removed my laptop case from my shoulder , and set it on the ground in front of me . I unzipped it , unfolded it open , - - revealing the gold coins - and then shoved it towards him . I quickly picked up my two paper - bags and stood back up . " Not good enough ! " he bellowed murderously . " Get them ! " he shouted and came charging at me . Before I knew what was happening , he and many others were on top of me . It was like bees covering my whole body . They kept hitting me and biting me , knocking me down to the ground . I desperately kept holding on to those two bags . I could hear Jim screaming in pain : " Ouch ! Ouch ! … Goddamn you , you little sons - of - bitches ! I 'll kill ever last one of you ! … Ouch ! Ouch ! " It sounded like they had Jim on the ground , too . His voice seemed to be getting farther and farther away from where I was . I knew that I had to act fast , or we would be doomed . Throwing my arms and hands up over my head , and still clinging to those two paper - bags , I began rolling on the ground to my left , towards Jim 's voice . I rolled and rolled , and like a steamroller smashing whatever object was underneath its solid , heavy roller , I felt their diminutive bodies leaving me . I knew that I had only seconds before they would be on top of me again . I shot to my feet , and raised those two paper - bags high in the air above my head . I thrust them down hard in front of me , flicking my wrists . The bags split opened and the contents came spilling out of them onto the ground . " Shoes ! " I shouted . " Shoes , " I shouted again , " in need of repair . " After Jim had left , I had collected every old pair of shoes of Mom 's , Dad 's and mine in that house . The woods became immediately silent , reverently silent . All of them just stood there looking at the shoes - looking bewildered and befuddled . Then , they all charged at me again . But when they came to the shoes , they stopped and knelt down in front of them . " Damn you ! " the one who had done all of the talking cursed at me . " Damn you ! " he repeated . " One shoe at a time … Aprons ! … Damn you ! … Tools ! … One shoe at a … " I made my way to Jim . He lay upon the ground . He had taken a pretty bad beaten , - - cuts and bruises and bite marks - and his pants were at his ankles . I helped him up off of the ground and helped him pull up his pants . Stretching out his right arm and hand , I placed it around my neck , feeling the leather holster of his gun , his pistol , under my right armpit . We walked as fast as we could to Mom . At the car , I opened the backdoor and helped Mom get inside . Jim had a nasty cut over his left eye . Blood kept dripping into the eye , blinding him . For some reason , I was now nervous , extremely nervous . I was so nervous that I had trouble inserting the key into the ignition switch . I started the engine , dropped it into Drive , and then put the pedal - to - the - metal . With tires screaming and smoking , we sped out of that park doing eighty - five miles an hour . " Here , " I heard Jim say . " Let me get that for you , too , Lill . " A few seconds later , I heard Mom say : " Thank you , Jim . " Then she cried : " Leprechauns ! Leprechauns ! What odious little creatures they are . I 'm a married , Christian woman , and they pulled my pants down . They 're of the devil . " After we got Mom back home , Jim asked me to return to the office with him - just to talk some . I think he was feeling sad about us losing the gold . I didn 't want to , but I did . At the office , Jim dropped down heavily onto the couch . He asked me to get him his bottle of whiskey . I did . There was only about a quarter of bourbon left in it . He took a long gulp from it , straight from the bottle . " Well , we 're broke again , Tom , " Jim said , depressed . " I was going to buy an island in Fiji … Where exactly is Fiji , Tom ? " Jim said , and took another drink of whiskey . Sleepily , I raised my head from the top of my desk . I looked at my wristwatch . It was a little after five a . m . I looked towards the door , and there they were : Todd and Cindy . They had their faces pressed up against the glass section of the door , with duck tape covering their mouths . I dragged myself over to the door and opened it . Their arms and hands were bound behind their backs at the wrists with duck tape . Their legs were bound with duck tape as well , and both of their pants sat at their ankles . As with Mom , they stood before me in their white underwear . Using the pocketknife that Jim had given me , I cut them loose . " Stop ! " I said , interrupting Todd , and holding up my arms and hands . " Stop ! I don 't want to know . You two have been nothing but trouble from the moment we met you . The leprechauns took our gold , too . There 's nothing more that we can do for you . Goodbye . " Before I slammed and locked the door shut , I looked to my left . There lined up against the outer wall of the office and on the hallway floor in rows of seven were all of the shoes that I had taken to the park - all of them looking brand new . So , as I have said , it 's ten o ' clock , and Jim is still fast asleep on the couch . The sun is beaming in through those four windows directly behind me , showering me and my desk in warm , inviting light . It 's a new day - a new beginning . I love The Fringe . I have always found it to be a most informative and fun publication . I 'm honored to have had two of my stories published with The Fringe : First " This Time " and now " Damn Leprechauns . " I hope you all continue reading The Fringe , and that you all like my story . Thank you . Alan Zacher - - your friend from America . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . Authors of other accepted stories published on the webzine and in the pdf copy will receive a copy of the pdf version of the mag the story appears in . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Our variety seems to be hiting the mark with over 100 , 000 views of our Online Magazine with a good spread across all articles . From surveys we 've conducted , our readers are like most people and enjoy reading all kinds of books , both fiction and non - fiction . With over 350 readers visiting our site each day , we listen to the voice of the masses and try and procure books in all genres to review . 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My emerald - green Oldsmobile sputtered and coughed as I slowly drove into the parking lot of the Snappy Jeans Distribution Center . It was Friday , the first day of a new year and the first time me and my partner Kasandra were making a pick - up at the center . Usually , pick ups were made at the Colombian 's apartment in the middle of Yonkers , but it was New Year 's Day and the big bosses were off . As soon as I stopped backing into the lot , Kasandra jumped out of the car and ran over to the Colombian . She patted his back and encouraged him to repeat his nonsense . She repeated the sounds back to the Columbian slowly until she could make sense of what he was saying . " Oh ! Happy New Year ! " She yelled back and celebrated this as if the Colombian had graduated from medical school or something I was glad when a fat guy slid open the warehouse door and began dumping a few large cardboard box marked up with red X 's into my trunk The fat guy was like a robot , but Kasandra was on a roll , she needed to get on his case now and see what his special talent was I lowered my window all the way down , settled back in my seat , and watched Kasandra in action The fat guy continued dumping boxes like he was under a spell . I looked away from my rearview mirror back to Kasandra . She began walking over to the fat guy but the Colombian laughed and said something in Spanish to her . Whatever he said , she loved it . I began coughing hard . Kasandra should act more like a businesswoman and less like the Colombian 's best friend . When the fat guy slammed the trunk door shut , she finally gave the Colombian our money , blew him a kiss , and ran back to her side of the car . All this fake - ass affection made me want to throw up . Before we left , the Colombian handed me a couple of denim jackets ( para las princesas , he said ) and on our way home , past Yankee Stadium , Kasandra modeled her jacket , attempting a sitting sashay from her seat . She said it made her look skinny but I only half - listened to her . I kept adding up numbers and thinking about how much we could sell a jacket like that for . There were more junk cars in our neighborhood than people . After an hour and a half of looking , I finally found a spot by the projects . Not the safest spot but my 1977 Olds was a giant , tuna - fish can of a car . No one wanted to mess with it . Back home , Kasandra was in the bedroom - or the " showroom " as we liked to call it - when she heard me come in She met me in the living room There , a red futon and three chairs we used for propping our feet up , crowded up the room She listened patiently to my ramblings about the tiny space I had managed to squeeze the Olds into In the kitchen , which was really a sink , stove and refrigerator shoved against a wall at the tail end of the living room , I asked her in between gulps from a glass of orange juice I left out that morning if she finished sorting through the merch Kasandra shook her head like she was better than me . She said she had finished her part of the job . " Stop wasting time and work out the money situation , " she said I looked underneath the kitchen sink for my notebook and began my calculations . I figured out what our overhead expenses for the month were , minus transportation , minus entertainment , minus total amount paid for the merch . That left us with a grand total of negative three thousand four hundred twenty - two dollars and thirty - nine cents . Next , I worked on what we needed to charge in order to make a profit . " Seven times , why so much ? " Kasandra asked a few hours later between yawns She hated the numbers , hated anything to do with running the business She wasn 't good at that stuff , so for the last three years she had been leaving the numbers up to me " We gots party favors to pay for . " I gave her a wink to remind her about the party at her mom 's last week . Her face got all red , no doubt remembering all those bottles of champagne we drank and the purple hickey left over from her hook up with some dude from Harlem . Her mom kept complaining all night that the champagne wasn 't good because it wasn 't sweet . That lady knew nothing about quality . Didn 't stop her from drinking three bottles by herself and passing out in the dining room . Kasandra had inherited the business from her father three years ago when her father died of a heart attack at his day job . Don Francisco had worked twenty long , hard years as a packer for the Snappy Jeans Corporation . He had given up his youth for a measly paycheck , mediocre health benefits , and the promise of a hundred dollars a month check from his union . The Colombian had been Don Francisco 's supervisor and together they had developed a system for getting rid of " irregular merchandise " . When Don Francisco died , Kasandra moved out and took the family business with her . Her mother didn 't fight her . She never questioned anything , unlike my mother who still kept track of my periods even though she was living in Santiago . For dinner , me and Kasandra ate a frozen pizza and some leftover chicharrones . We watched TV with the volume muted and the radio on . The hip - hop station was playing a freestyle mix from back in the 80 's and Kasandra was getting all hyped up . She began dancing in her seat and singing along to Brenda K . Starr . By midnight , Kasandra was snoring . It was the official start of the weekend and Lo would be fat , dumb , and happy tonight . It had been two weeks since I 'd last seen him . Since he stole from Kasandra 's purse . Forgotten now , but I had to hear about it every morning and night for the last two weeks like that was going to bring her money back . It got so bad that I had to pull out some bills from our hidden stash just to shut her up . I quickly threw the towel that was wrapped around my head on the floor and ran my fingers through my wet curls . When I heard the familiar knock at the door , I pulled on a red hoodie and slipped into a pair of flannel pants because I didn 't want Lo to get the wrong idea . It was going to be quick tonight . Just a short hello and fuck off . We played games like these all the time . Me , making believe I hadn 't been waiting for him , and him , waltzing in at whatever time he pleased . We had been together since high school . He was bad back then and everyone knew it . There was a whole list of bullshit that he hadn 't outgrown yet , but there was this other side to him as well . He had always been loyal , always willing to beat someone down for me . He didn 't care who he had to fight off . The sound from a loud television spilled out of a neighbor 's door . Lo stood by the top of the stairs with his head down . His black beard was all I could make out . Two weeks ago , he was all stubble , now his beard was thick . It looked tight though . Maybe he had it trimmed at the barber 's or maybe Maida did it for him . I wanted to be mad . I wanted to smack him for not coming over sooner . I wanted to kick him in his hard stomach for making me feel for him again . Lo pulled my face up to his and let me breathe over him . Without a word , he pulled my hand and we walked down to the basement . In the laundry room , the heavy smell of burnt garbage mixed in with the sweet smell of fabric softener . There were two , tired washing machines on one side and two bright yellow dryers on the other . A concrete trough sat in the corner where balls of lint covered up the drain . I lowered the lid on one of the washers and pulled my ass up . The lid caved in a bit under my weight . Lo placed his hands beside my hips . The flannel bunched up as he palmed the sides of my thighs . A day 's worth of sweat had soaked into his skin , making him look too hard for a twenty - one - year - old . There were new lines etched around his eyes . I wanted to trace them with my long fingernails . He looked up at the trembling fluorescent light ; a halo of black dust made the yellow glow a hot gray . He dropped his gaze and stared at my mouth . He was staring at my mouth like he wanted to slice it open . He lifted me off the washer and slipped his hands underneath my hoodie . He squeezed me like he couldn 't get enough of me . This was no good , yet I let it happen . When I heard the clanking of pots in the kitchen the next morning , I didn 't even have to turn over on the bed to know he was gone . My purse was on the floor . He didn 't even bother putting it back on the dresser . Steam whistled from the radiator . The steady heat began to overtake the apartment , making it feel like I had a plastic bag over my head . I opened the living room window about two feet and stuck my head out . It must have been below zero outside . On the ledge sat a gargoyle , our good luck charm . I stroked the little demon and enjoyed the slap of wind against my face . There was a knock and Kasandra ran to the door , stopped , and waited to hear the three taps that let us know it was one of our regular customers . Miguelina strutted in with her teenage daughter . She had just pulled her big hair out of soup - can rollers . The daughter had her hair pulled back tight in a high ponytail . Dots of dried up pimples were scattered across her prominent forehead . There were t - shirts and jeans stapled on the cracked , plaster walls . Kasandra liked to hang the outfits in poses , so that it looked like the clothes were dancing around the room . She walked mother and daughter around , making sure to point out looks that fit their personalities . Inside the showroom , the daughter ran her eyes over the jeans stacked on the bed . She pulled out a few in her size . The mother held her wallet close to her heart but I reassured her . " Place a pair on hold , " I said on cue " Pay me back in a few weekly installments . This made the mother feel bette Kasandra smiled and gave the daughter some more jeans to try one . The daughter modeled for us . Her tight ass looked good in those jeans , so good that the mother decided she wanted in on the action , so she tried on a pair . Matching t - shirts to complete their outfits and the mother couldn 't help but pay in full because life 's too short and they looked so good and why not walk out of here looking like sisters . When we were alone again , Kasandra asked me about Lo . She kept bringing up last night , telling me I was acting stupid . " He 's a thief , " she said " He needed the money . He 'll pay me back , " I said She rolled her eyes and told me he was sick and that I wasn 't helping More knocks and taps at the door - Kasandra straightened up what was left of the piles . Mothers , daughters , grandmothers , aunts , cousins , even a couple of great - grandmothers arrived , settled their accounts before working up more credit . I wrote out receipts left and right , whipped out the accounts book and let the ladies know just how much they were still in for . Kasandra served Cokes and coffee . She was all smiles , giving the ladies tips on what to do with their hair and makeup . We have known our customers for years . We grew up with some of them . Still went out dancing with some of them . Kasandra was the one they came to for advice . She hung out with them at the Laundromat and at the hair salon . She sat with them while they were getting their nails done . That 's how she learned about their family secrets . When they told her about their cheating husbands and ungrateful kids , she acted like she was shocked , like she hadn 't heard their stories a million times before . I admired her for that . I thanked God one of us was good at that . Without Kasandra we wouldn 't have customers . Without me , we wouldn 't have fifteen thousand stashed away under the bathtub . We worked all day and when Kasandra took off to see her man , I kept going - adding up the numbers , working out payments , making sure each customer felt comfortable with the arrangement . Sometimes they wanted the clothes up front , promised me they would pay me later , bringing up something that happened years ago as if that was going to prove they were trustworthy . It was easy to break the bad news to them . Couldn 't give away the stuff until it was paid in full , but they could take something small , something they paid too much for anyways . It was right after I graduated high school that my father announced we were going to move back to Santiago . Over the years , he had been talking about buying a house back in his island , but Mami and I never believed him . My father wasn 't a smart man . He liked to buy things he couldn 't afford , but when he won those $ 5 , 000 playing the numbers , he said it was time to get out of fucking Nueva York . That was Trujillo 's favorite saying when things went wrong . When the city was hit with the biggest blizzard in twenty years , fucking Nueva York . When his wife burned the rice for the third time that week , fucking Nueva York . When his daughter got caught stealing a pair of pantyhose at the 99 - cent store , fucking Nueva York . When he found a fungus growing out of his big toe , fucking Nueva York . Trujillo had lived in this rotting city for twenty years . He had wasted his youth fighting the INS for a green card , working at a bunch of menial jobs for sadistic bosses who didn 't mind breaking a good man 's back so that they could put more money in their pockets , living in a mice - infested apartment with a wife and daughter who needed to be kept up because if either of them looked shabby then his boys from the corner would laugh their asses off , talking about how Trujillo said he was a big man but he couldn 't even provide for a scrawny wife and an insect of a daughter . They would say he was sucking the women in his life dry , chupadas las dos . No matter what , Trujillo carried himself like a superman . He stood straight , shoulders back , like the good soldier he was trained to be back on his island before the civil war broke out and he had to switch sides . " Don 't come back until you 're married , " he said To him , I was a puta because I had dared to stay out all night with a man It was how he was taught to think How his father was taught to think From generation to generation , the women in my family had to fit one of two categories I remembered stumbling away from the phone thinking I had made the biggest mistake of my life . My father wasn 't perfect but he took care of me . I had wanted to make my parents believe that I was leaving them for love . For some reason , I thought this would be easier for them to understand . Me and Lo . We were in love ; we were going to make it . So corny now when I thought about it , but back then I still believed that everything would work its way out somehow . I stayed with Lo and his mom for a few weeks , slept with him in his twin bed , held my breath whenever we made love so that his mother wouldn 't hear us through the thin wall between their bedrooms . Lo was in no rush to save money and me , I was still stupid , still believing that eventually we 'd move out . When Lo looked me in the eye and told me what his big plan was , that he would play the numbers like Papi , I told him to go fuck himself . Kasandra was a girl from around the way . We had been close back in grade school but after she got all pretty in the sixth grade , she was more interested in getting her cherry popped then playing a card game of Spit with me . When her Papi died , Kasandra and I hooked up again . She needed someone that was good with the numbers . She remembered me and how good I was at math . Kasandra was the best fucking salesgirl in the world , but she needed someone who could manage money like no one else . Kasandra met her man , Danny , about a year and a half ago . He lived in the apartment below us . He was a regular guy . He wanted to get married and have kids . Three nights out of the week , Danny took classes at Hunter College . He was majoring in laboratory sciences . Whenever he came over , he liked to tell us how hard it was to balance a full - time job with school . She said he understood our situation . " You know how Danny is , " she said " You know how he talks He says we need a black market to counteract the evils of a free economy . She laughed then Kasandra laughed at almost everything when it came to Danny One night , Danny came over during the weekend rush . He stood over the merchandise with the customers looking him over . He kept his hands crossed behind him , as if coming into contact with anything was going to get him in trouble . Even though he smiled in my face , I could see our life was too complicated for him . Before Danny , we used to spend Saturday nights counting our money . After the last of the customers walked out , Kasandra would wait for me to check the inventory , figure out how much we needed to buy from the Colombian , and how much we needed to put aside for the expenses . Whatever was left over , we added to our stash . When life fell into a pattern , I didn 't need Lo . Breakfast with Kasandra , phone calls to the clients , tostones and garlic for lunch , the afternoon appointments , balancing the books then picking up Cuban Chinese for dinner . No time for Lo 's bullshit , just me and my girl Kasandra doing what we needed to do to keep our place from falling to shit . It was Saturday again and tonight after Kasandra left me to be with her man , I went out to look for Lo at the Blarney Stone . It was around midnight ; the only other women in the dark bar were the old , Irish ladies . Widows who couldn 't afford to move out of the neighborhood . They didn 't talk to anyone , not even to each other . One redhead sat at the bar , her chin hovering over a shot of whiskey , it looked like without the shot glass she would fall to the floor . On the other side of the bar was Lo . He was falling all over Maida , his other girl , and she was clinging to him like he was made out of chocolate . His boys spotted me first . They started yelling all kinds of shit to me . " Better get your ass home before Lo rides it there for you ! " They yelled Lo shoved Maida away and walked over to me . He shushed his boys with a wave . " Can you lend me some money ? " He pulled my hair off my shoulder and kissed my neck The redhead tried to get up from the stool but she almost fell over . Lo caught her and shoved her pocketbook under her arm . I gave Lo a twenty and told him he was a good boy . He held it up to the light , not believing I could give him something so small . " What are you doing ? " Maida cried , but she didn 't come to him , didn 't even make an attempt . She had tried to start with me once , bumping into me on the street like she didn 't know who I was , but me and Kasandra took care of her so now she knew better . Lo pulled me out of the bar . We walked a few blocks to a corner liquor store . We walked to the back of the store , down the steep stairs , and into the basement . Down there , empty Heineken bottles were lined up against the wall and the smell of rotting vermin was everywhere . The only light came from a few red bulbs . Some guy stumbled over us ready to puke . His friend was right behind him , pushing him up the steep stairs , trying to get the guy out before he exploded . We walked through the billiard room , the poker room , the fighting room where in the middle there was a boxing ring that stunk of shit ; the smell was so bad it had a color to it . Behind the ring were the slots . Ten slots closely bunched up where the men 's faces glowed intently . Lo sat down at attention . I looked around to see who else was down there , but I didn 't recognize any of the men . I sat there for a while , staring at the flickering lights . Lo called over a guy , he handed the guy my twenty and the guy handed him back a roll of quarters . I stood beside Lo while he fed the machine . After a few dollars , the machine went crazy and all these coins came rushing out . Kasandra told me she wouldn 't be back until Wednesday . I looked around the showroom . The merchandise was on the floor . I told Lo we had better put everything back on the bed but he was still snoring . His full lips were chapped . They felt rough under my fingertips . We had decided to cut class and hang out at his mom 's . We lay topless on his twin size bed , with our skinny arms tangled together and our legs bent towards each other but not quite touching . His bed sheet smelled like fresh cut grass . He played with my bra strap , kissed my forehead and told me to relax . It wasn 't my first time but it felt like it was . I had wanted Lo to think it was . He rubbed my back for what felt like hours and then he began to tell me stories about his father . How he was an apprentice for an electrician down South . How he hadn 't seen him in a few months but had written to him about me . Lo said his father wrote that I was the type of girl who would love a man for the rest of her life . That sounded so corny to me , but , at that moment , all I wanted was for Lo to keep touching me , so I kept my mouth shut . As I listened to him , my fingers wandered from his chest to his belly . He turned away from me and reached under his bed . He pulled out a bulky manila envelope . Letters spilled from the envelope onto the bed . The edge of one letter poked me in the thigh . I kissed his shoulder and reluctantly sat up . While he read , I admired his face , the dimples that deepened when he laughed , the lines that formed between his two thick brows when he frowned . He stretched out certain words , making them sound like they were the most important words I would ever hear . Out of nowhere , my father 's face appeared . Certain words came up more than once . " My son - Remember this - Watch your back - You 're the man of the house now … " Stupid words from another stupid father Lo was proud and that made me mad I could have pretended I didn 't see the postmarks on the envelopes , but I couldn 't stand hearing his father 's lame ass words He pulled on his clothes and slammed the bedroom door . It bounced back open . I followed him out , pulling the bed sheet over my shoulders , yelling that word over and over again . When he couldn 't stand it any longer , he pulled me by my hair and threw me out of the apartment . I stood outside his door , stunned . The hallway smelled like dog piss . I walked the two blocks to my family 's apartment . It was a nice day out and that was bad because everybody was out . Little kids called me out , old ladies hissed at me in disgust , the mailman wanted to take a bite out of me . I flashed them all my left tit and stuck out my tongue . The next day , I barged into Lo 's homeroom and dropped the folded bed sheet on his desk . I ignored his teacher when he asked me to leave . Lo didn 't look at the sheet ; he didn 't look at me . He only stared at the teacher . When Mr . Gregor pulled me by the arm , Lo pounced on him . Knocking Mr . Gregor to the ground with one shove . He then rammed his fist into the young teacher 's face , breaking his glasses , making blood ooze from his thin nose . Security guards ran into the classroom , pulled Lo away from Mr . Gregor . One guard grabbed me . Red splotches appeared on his face as he yelled at me . We got detention . We got suspended . I got into it with my father when he came home from work . The rest except was hard to remember , but after three long weeks of punishments ; I met up with Lo after school . We decided to take a walk through Inwood Park . He grabbed my hand as we climbed up to the big C painted on the rock . When I slipped on broken glass , I expected him to laugh , but he didn 't . I asked him if he wanted me to apologize . He opened his backpack and pulled the sheet out . He shook away all the folds . The musky smell of sweat , tears , and saliva slapped me in the face . He threw it over his shoulders and ran circles around me . The sheet flapped behind him making him look like some kind of superhero . " Sabi , " he said , like he wasn 't sure if that was still my name I waited to hear words that would hit me with the force of a wrecking ball I waited but the words never came Wednesday night and I was alone with Lo again . " Tastes like cough syrup , " he said . He handed me a jelly glass full of red , briny wine . We listened to what sounded like a pair of hooves trotting across the ceiling . Lo slipped down the futon onto the floor and rubbed his beard against my leg . He tickled my knee with his chin . " So smooth , " he said , rubbing the back of my calf . " I don 't want to stop touching you . " He climbed back on the futon and we messed around . His tongue tasted sour and dry . We listened to shotguns in some foreign country . The anchorman on TV with the thick , Argentinean accent gave a hurried account . Lo knocked back the rest of the wine and I pressed my feet between the small of his back and the futon mattress . Lo promised to leave before Kasandra got back but I couldn 't let him go just yet . Much later , I heard Kasandra pleading . Lo was pulling her over but she was fighting him . I got up and swapped his arm . Kasandra broke free and ran into the showroom . She slipped a chair underneath the doorknob . I watched him get dressed . The urge to whack the back of his head was there but I couldn 't commit . When he left , I heard Kasandra move the chair from the door knob . I should have gotten up from the futon and consoled my friend . I stared at the cracks on the ceiling . I asked her if Lo hurt her . Not that I really wanted to know if he did . Kasandra didn 't answer me . She sat at the edge of the futon like she was waiting for me to hug her , but I couldn 't move . She pulled me towards her and lowered her head on my shoulder . I could feel her breath on my collarbone . She told me she was thinking of moving in with Danny . That night , when I saw Lo through the magic eye , he looked like a frightened boy . I opened the door and Lo pushed his way inside . He only had his drawers on . He ran into the showroom . He threw jeans and t - shirts off the bed . I found an extra large t - shirt for him to wear . He began to tell me what went down . He said he got his ass kicked by a bunch of punks from the projects . He began pacing back and forth , waving his arms . He told me how they took his chain , the one he 's been wearing around his neck since his first communion . He was almost in tears when he told me how they took him to the middle of the lot and told him to strip down to his underwear . When every pocket turned up with nothing , they got mad and kicked him in the kidneys . " I think they broke a couple of ribs , " he said , but when I offered to take him to the hospital , he waved me away . All he wanted was to sleep . He leaned against the wall and waited for me to move the rest of the merchandise off the twin bed . For once , I wanted him to go away . I didn 't want to leave him alone in the showroom . I didn 't want him near our merchandise . I didn 't want to smell his fear . He slept on top of the bed sheet Mami left me when she moved away . When one of my neighbors banged on the radiator , I was glad because there was no way he could fall sleep . The banging continued but once steam whistled out it stopped . The heat came in fast , taking over the showroom . I sat outside on the futon . It would have been better if I fell asleep but I wanted to be prepared for the worst . If Kasandra came back , she would be upset . She would ask me for the hundredth time why I was with him and I wouldn 't have an answer for her . At that moment , I didn 't even have an answer for myself . She would say he was manipulating me . She would judge me because she thought she had found the perfect man . The next morning , I woke up alone in the apartment . I looked out the window . Lo was standing across the street talking to his friend . He never looked up but he knew I was watching him . I leaned my forehead on the frozen glass and waited for it to go numb . I pulled on my red hoodie and a pair of sweatpants . I put on my Nike 's and ran out the door . His boy , Tojo was still outside . " Where is he ? " I must have sounded real crazy because he pointed down the block quick and said Lo was heading to Hector 's . I ran down 204th Street and turned left on Sherman Ave . I ran to the empty lot on the corner where he got jumped last night . The ground was covered with weeds , broken bottles , and empty spray cans . Hector 's - a bodega shoved inside the only standing row house on the block - stood beside this lot . Overgrown weeds hugged the naked side wall of the building . A crooked awning hung on to dear life over the entrance to the store . The neighborhood opened up in front of me . I looked into the apartments across the street . A man was yelling at his TV . A woman splashed water on her face from the kitchen sink . Pigeons danced on a fire escape . I stood outside the store for almost twenty minutes before I decided enough was enough . I had to get inside and find Lo . I walked into a store full of old shit - kickers in their whiter than white guayaberas . Some were chewing on toothpicks ; others were gnawing on their stumpy cigars . Lo stood beside them with this smug look on his face . I knew that look , it came on when the green came in big , it was the look of newfound prosperity . The look my father had when he had won big on the numbers and told us to pack our bags . I yanked my key ring out of my pocket . I braced the keys between each of my fingers . I squeezed my fist tight and waited . The metal pricked the palm of my hand . When I felt his beer - stinking breath on me , I clawed into his face . I inhaled his sweat and desperation . He fell down on his knees . He didn 't scream or yell . He didn 't even try to reach for me . He held on to his cheek with both hands like he was afraid it would fall off his face . I took off running . Outside , I squashed weeds , kicked spray cans out of my way , and felt the broken glass crunch underneath my feet . Cars drove by slow , cruising the street with intent . I thought one of them would stop and someone would grab me off the street , but no one did . Back in front of my building , a couple of boys were playing bottle - caps . Two little girls jumped rope beside them . I ran by them almost trampling one of the little boys in my rush to get inside the building . The little boy yelled after me , " Suck my dick , estupida ! " His high - pitched words had so much venom in them that I had to stop and look back . The boy stood up . He kept his skinny body still , only the mess of curls on top of his head moved with the soft breeze . Beyond the sneering boy I saw Lo walking across the street . He was still holding his bloody cheek with both hands . He shouted something at me but I couldn 't hear him over the taunts and sneers of the curly - haired boy and his crew . I opened the door and bit my lip to make it stop trembling . I looked back but Lo stood still a few feet away from the little boys and girls . The brats had already forgotten all about me and were back to playing their games . I waited for a long time , but Lo never came up and Kasandra never came home . I began to make up a whole new life in my head . All I could see were piles of denim skirts , t - shirts , and blue jeans . All I could think about were the numbers and how much profit I would make as a one - woman operation .

Good morning . Oh , and a beautiful morning it is ! At the moment , temps are in the low 70 's , but will work their way up to mid 80 's by early afternoon . The sun is playing hide and seek with the clouds , and there is a little bit of a breeze . It 's just right for sitting out on the porch . And wait till you see my porch now ! Yesterday , there was a Christmas Tree Shoppe flyer in the newspaper . And lo and behold , right on the front page was a little bistro set . And the best part ? It was on sale for $ 39 . 99 . Woo Hoo ! I called Deanne 's house to see if someone could come over after supper and take me to the store to have a look at the bistro set and hopefully buy it . Deanne and Janice came and drove me and Pogo to the store . We found the little set , and it was perfect . Somehow , the girls squished the chairs , box with table and all our bags ( it 's very difficult to shop there and not find things that you absolutely have to have ) into the car and still left room for all of us to sit . When we got back to the house , Joe assembled the little table and Deanne and Janice got everything settled on the porch . First , they put down the new indoor / outdoor carpet that I also found at the Christmas Tree Shoppe . Oh . . . didn 't I mention that I also found a really pretty carpet for the porch ? It was so pretty that I just could not pass it up . Here 's a photo of my porch now . As soon as I finish my nebulizer meds , I 'm taking my coffee and my crocheting , and heading out to sit on the porch . Today the plant stand will go back to being a plant stand . I have a begonia plant that is waiting to perch on it . I 'll take my little recorder out with me and try to capture the sounds of the birds singing in the trees . Yesterday , I had some music playing , and it seemed that the birds all sang right along with it . I 'll try that again today . I absolutely love listening to the birds chirping and singing . Today , I have the new quick page that I promised . Gosh , can you tell that I love nature ? haha . Well , I 've finished with the meds , so it 's time to grab my things and head for the porch . Pogo is already sitting by the storm door , waiting for me . So , till Sunday , Y ' all have an awesome day . Good morning . It was a cool night , so I slept fairly well . Except for breathing , all of yesterday and last night was pretty good . I 'm thinking that the high humidity these past few days is probably the reason I 'm having trouble with the breathing . My old air conditioner had a dehumidifier button on it , which is what I always used . The a / c that I have now does not have this button . So , I guess I 'll be shopping for a new a / c soon . I don 't like to run the a / c very often because I just get sick from it . I really only need the dehumidify action to keep me comfortable and breathing . I must say though , that something is very right this morning . My coffee tastes so good that it is almost gone , and I just made it . I guess I 'll be making another cup to take out to the porch after I finish this post . Well , I have bad news . For me , at least . I 've been wanting to catch a glimpse of our baby robins when they get ready to leave the nest , but somehow I missed it . Yesterday the nest was really quiet , and when Joe got home from work he checked it . Guess what ? All the birdies were gone . Well , I hope they are all right . There are lots of trees in my yard , so maybe they are all busy making new homes for themselves . Maybe it 's time for Mama and Daddy Robin to teach the youngsters how to catch worms and take care of themselves . Yesterday , Pogo and I spent quite a bit of time out on the porch . While we were out there , I made a bowl out of a bread wrapper and broke up several slices of bread to fill the bowl . Pogo kept looking at me as if to say " how come the critters get all the goodies while I get the dog food ? " So I set the bowl of bread pieces on the floor , and Pogo helped himself to several pieces of the bread . Well surprise , surprise ! I did not know that my little guy liked bread . When he had his fill , I took the bread and a bowl of peanuts and spread them around on the ground for the critters . Blue Jays have eagle eyes . They spot peanuts and they show up right away . Also the chipmunks . I have to say that I really enjoy watching them . I noticed that one of the roses on the white rose bush was getting big and heavy and hanging down . So I picked it and put it in a little vase of water . Gosh , these blossoms are really so pretty . Later , DIL Janet came by and we had a really nice visit . We had the Stouffer 's baked macaroni and cheese for supper and did a bit of crocheting while we chatted and watched some TV . All in all , it was a really nice day for me . Now it 's time to make that extra cup of coffee and take it outside . I 'll have a new quick page for you tomorrow . So , till then , Y ' all have an awesome day . Good morning . Well , how about that ! ! Today is the beginning of Summer . It just seems like the year is passing me by too fast . I have used the whole of Spring just trying to get back on my feet . Folks , try not to get old too soon . Healing takes so much longer when you get old . Well , yesterday was not a good day for breathing , so I mostly just rested all day . Hopefully , today will be better for breathing . In a little while , I 'll take my nebulizer meds , and then we 'll see how it goes . Today I 'm going to try to figure out how to run an extension cord out to the porch so that I can plug in a fan out there . That way , Pogo and I will be able to stay out there a bit longer . I think I 'll also go online and see if I can find a little bistro table to put on the porch . Thank goodness for online shopping . A while ago , I saw an ad for copper brownie baking pans that had inserts for cutting the brownies into squares . This was one of those deals where you could get a second item for just a small extra fee . So , I bought it , and when it arrived , I gave the second one to Deanne . She and the girls love to bake . Yesterday , Janice sent me a photo of the fudge brownies they had just made in the new pan . Yum ! Yum ! Now doesn 't this look scrumptious ? Janice says she 'll be over soon to bake me a batch of these delicious fudge brownies in my pan . She just started a new job at a Five Below store and she loves it . Hmmm , Pogo and I will have to pop in there one of these days . Joe had yesterday off , so he went fishing at a couple of the local parks . When he got home , he sent me a copy of this photo that he took with his phone of a swan family . This is awesome , Joe . Thank you so much for sharing . Soon , I 'll have to start thinking about what to make for supper tonight . DIL Janet will be coming by after work . Unless I can think of something really tasty , we 'll have Stouffer 's Baked Macaroni and Cheese . This is her favorite meal , so I always try to keep a couple of these in the freezer . Good morning . It rained during the night , but it 's looking really beautiful outside this morning . Depending on how I feel today , I may go out to get a haircut . We 'll see how I feel later . Today is my son Gary Jr 's birthday . I want to wish him a beautiful day filled with peace and happiness . Happy Birthday , Gary Jr . I love you . Yesterday , Dwarf Helen and I went to Walmart with me to do a it of grocery shopping . Oh the sights you see at Walmart ! ! I am always amazed at what some people will wear when they go shopping . For some reason , it seems that the heavier and wider some women are , their clothes are tighter and shorter than they should be . Yesterday 's lady even found reasons to bend down . Oh Lord , have mercy ! ! Now I 'll be the first to admit that I could stand to lose a few pounds , ( well , maybe a bit more than that ) but yesterday Dwarf Helen and I left Walmart feeling ever so thin and beautiful . I 'm going to feel guilty now eating those doughnuts that I bought . haha . Yesterday afternoon , I tried to get some new photos of the baby Robins , but the Mama bird was giving me bits of problems . I think she was getting ready to dive bomb me . This is the best shot I could get . When Joe came home from work , he took my phone out and got me this photo . Notice how one of the babies is twice as big as the others . I think we only have three little ones now . As you can see , they are starting to look like birds . Well , Joe just came home from fishing . He has the day off from work . Now I have to open the door to the main house and let Pogo go out to get his turkey treat . So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have an awesome day . Good morning . Tis another beautiful day here in my little part of New England . At the moment the sun is hiding behind some clouds , but I 'm sure it will be back out soon . Yesterday , the humidity was wicked high , so I did not get to go shopping . Today it is still very high , so right now the shopping trip is a maybe . Lately I 've been spending more time doing " Find A Word " puzzles , and less time on my crochet projects . In the evening , I do try to put one or two rows on the Red , White and Blue afghan , but at this rate it will take quite a while to get it finished . Yesterday , Pogo and I sat out on the porch for a while . There was a lovely breeze , so it was really nice . We 're looking forward to spending more time out there today . The baby birds will soon be getting ready to try out their wings and I 'd love to be able to watch them . Today I have photos to share of the beautiful rain gauge that Audrey sent to me for Mother 's Day . I set it out a few days ago just before the rain came . Wow , I didn 't realize how much rain we got . I also have a photo of the first blooms on the white rose bush . The flowers are big , so when it rains they tend to droop over . Last night , I had a craving for a spinach pizza . I called up to order one to be delivered but it wasn 't enough to meet their delivery minimum so I cancelled my order . A little while later , Joe said he would go pick up my pizza , so I called and re - ordered . Oh my , delish ! ! ! * * * I just went outside to take some new photos of the baby robins and their Mommy . I 'll post them tomorrow after I crop them . These babies are growing sooooo fast ! Now I think I 'll finish doing the breakfast dishes and get started on this new day . On that happy note . I 'll take my leave . So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have a fantabulous day Good morning . It 's six o ' clock and Pogo and I have both had our breakfasts . It 's his fault . He woke me up awful early and insisted on having something to eat . By the time I fed him and changed his pee pads , I was a wake and hungry myself . Ah , the joys of pet - mamahood . Today will be another gorgeous day , and according to the weather forecast we should have the next five days with temps between 81 and 84F degrees . How awesome ! Of course , it remains to be seen . This past Friday , Kevin and Janice came by and finished brushing the sealer on the inside of the porch . Today it should be dry so that I can put things in their place on the porch . Then Pogo and I can sit out for a while . I 'm hoping to get out to the store today to do a bit of grocery shopping . I don 't need very much , but I have run out of a few things . I also want to see what 's available for a smaller table and chair set for the porch . What I need is a small table to set my coffee cup on . I have a few photos to share that I took on Friday . The first two are of the Robin parent . I 'm not sure if this is Mama or Daddy . The sun was shining , and the colors of the Robin amidst all the red of the tree is just awesome . Friday afternoon I discovered that the brand new battery on my car was dead . Yup , dead as a door knob ! ! Kevin tried to jump start the battery , but it would not cooperate . SIL Eddie stopped by on his way home from work to see what the problem might be . It seems that my battery was not tightened down very well and the cables were also loose . It 's a good thing I did not go anywhere before the battery died . Eddie did not have his tools with him so he came back yesterday to fix the problem . Thank you Eddie ! This week I will have to make a trip to the Post Office to buy more stamps . There will be no mail going out until I do this . While I 'm there , I can mail off a box that I 've been meaning to mail out since March . Hmmm , I 'm a tad bit behind this year , but little by little I 'm catching up on a few things . Next , I think I 'll go on - line to order a refrigerator for the main house . I don 't seem to get out long enough to shop for this particular article , so on - line will have to do for now . I 'll probably have to shop somewhere other than Sears because they don 't accept credit cards over the phone . Hmmm , is this something new this year ? Good morning . It 's a bit on the cloudy side this morning , but the sun keeps poking out from behind the clouds . Temps have dropped down into the 60 's , and there 's a nice breeze . My plants will definitely love these cooler temps . I imagine , though , that soon it will be super hot again . After all , Summer is only days away . This will be a short post because Kevin and Janice will be coming here shortly . I did want to share a new pattern book that I bought recently . This one has doggie crochet sweater patterns . They don 't look too difficult , so I think I may try a couple of these patterns . Aren 't they cute ? That first cover shows a poncho and a matching mat . My favorite is the Camo sweater on the top right of the last image . I think I 'll try that one first . After I finish a couple of the projects that I 'm working on now , of course . Sometime today or tomorrow , I really need to go to the bank , and then to the Post Office . I 've run out of stamps and there are still bills to mail out . Funny , there are always bills to mail out ! ! haha . Good morning . Today is another super day like yesterday . Sunny with a breeze , and temps in the 70 's . It 's also a birthday for two of my guys . My stepson , Sean , and my grandson , Bobby . Happy Birthday fellas . I hope you both have an awesome day ! ! Yesterday , after doing a couple of really small things , I became wicked tired and had me nap . So much for our time out on the porch . So today , I 'm not going to do any chores until after I have some time outside on the porch with Pogo . Last evening , DIL Janet came by after work , and brought dinner and dessert with her . Oh my , it was delicious ! We had chicken parmesan with pasta , and chocolate cake cups filled with chocolate , caramel and whipped cream . Oh , yum , yum , yum ! After we ate our supper , we watched TV , while we crocheted and chatted . We discussed what she might like to have as an anniversary gift . Then we went online to find the item and order it . I usually enjoy going to the garden center at Home Depot with her to let her pick out something for her yard . But since I can 't get out as often now , we did our shopping online . You know those fat envelopes that you get from Publishers Clearing House that are full of offerings of things that they hope you will buy ? Well I get a lot of them , and one day I found this item in the envelope . No , I did not buy it , but it brought back so many wonderful memories of my high school days . It 's a 1949 Ford convertible . My best friend 's boyfriend had a red one , and he used to let us girls use it all the time . Oh my , such awesome memories come tumbling my way . Those were very happy days indeed . And this car looks just as awesome today as it did back then . After high school , my friend and her boyfriend married . They were together the rest of their lives . Here 's a photo I took a few days ago of one of the branches on my Red Japanese Maple tree . If I say it a hundred times , it 's not enough . This tree is just beautiful . Father 's Day is this weekend , so I made a new quick page for that super guy in your life . Enjoy . Good morning . Wow , temps are down substantially today . About twenty degrees ! ! Woo Hoo ! The sun is shining and there 's a lovely breeze . It 's going to feel oh so good sitting out on the porch today . Yesterday was quite hot , and I went outside a few times to make sure my plants had water . When the temps get into the 90 's , my plants tend to wilt and fall over dead . Oh no ! ! So I keep a bottle of water out on the porch just for the plants . Needless to say , I have to refill the bottle several times a day . Today I have photos that I took a few days ago of some of our little yard critters . They are all really happy when I toss out a bowl of peanuts for them to share . Aren 't they cute ? I also have a photo of our cat Blackie . In the evening , he loves to sit on the arm of Joe 's chair and have Joe pet him and scratch his head . Blackie tries so hard to be lovable , and he loves for us to give him lots of attention . But , then he 'll turn around really quick and try to bite us . We expect this , so we don 't get bitten very often anymore . I think it may have to do with how he was treated before he came to live with us . * * * * * * I 'm back ! I took a short break to place an order on - line for a birthday gift . When these bargains come up I have to scoop them up right away . Birthdays and holidays have a way of sneaking up on me rather quickly and I don 't like being unprepared . This month there are a lot of birthdays and an anniversary . There are birthdays for my son , my stepson , my granddaughter and my grandson , and Janet and Scott 's anniversary . Goodness , I think I got them all . One thing about having a large family is that it gets difficult to remember all the birthdays and anniversaries . ( I had a list , but I lost it ) Good morning . The sun is shining , but today will be another scorcher . Well , not as hot as the last couple of days , but temps will reach into the 90 's . Then it should drop down about twenty degrees into the 70 's for a few days . Goodness me , Pogo must be on a diet . He 's refusing to eat his doggie food these past couple of days . I thought that by the time he got really hungry , he would eat it , but it 's just not so . What 's a mom to do ? If only he could talk , he could just say " Mom , I 'm not eating today . " and I wouldn 't even open the can . I wouldn 't be throwing out so much doggie food . Grrr , grrr ! Today I have photos of our robin family . I took the two photos of the Mama bird , and Janice took the photos of the babies . A few days ago , I was standing out by the corner of the porch ( trying to get a photo of the babies ) and Mama robin was up in the tree , waiting rather nervously for me to leave so that she could feed her babies . Notice that fat , tasty worm she has in her mouth ? Mmmmmmmm ! Down below , the babies were anxiously waiting for their lunch . So , being the nice person that I try to be , I went back inside the porch so that Mama robin could tend to her babies . Janice took these photos for me while the parents were getting ready to dive bomb her . My goodness , they are so precious . Feeding these little ones is an all day job and usually there are two robins getting the food and bringing it to the nest . I am assuming the other robin is the Daddy . After the babies are fed , I guess it 's nap time for the little ones , and a well deserved rest for Mama . Gosh , I 've been sitting here for two hours , typing this post . But ! I 've also been watching " Jewel School " on JTV . com . They 've been showing how to make coils with wire . They 're also showing how to braid the coils and set them on a leather bracelet . It 's really quite interesting . This program is on every Tuesday for those of you interested in learning this craft . It 's also on next Sunday morning . Today I 'm hobbling around a bit better . Some of the swelling has gone down and most of the pain has subsided . So now I 'm thinking that before it gets too hot , Pogo and I will go out and sit on the porch for a little while . On that happy note , I 'll take my leave . So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have a fantabulous day . Good morning ( for nine more minutes ! ) . It 's been quite the busy weekend here . On Saturday , I was sitting on my sofa when Pogo ran to the door , barking all the way . He would not stop so I went to take a look . Well my goodness , right outside in the driveway was a spectacular alien of sorts , and Pogo was wanting to get out at it to protect us . When it started elevating itself off the ground and moving around more , Pogo ran behind me . Of course he was still barking at it , but it was much safer for him to stay behind me . I grabbed my phone and took a few photos of our visiting alien . Well , hello there ! Now where did these come from ? It seems there was a child 's birthday party next door , and these balloons got loose and made their way over here . They only lasted a day before the heat made them shrink , but it was fun while it lasted . Afterwards , Deanne and Eddie came by and Eddie put my air conditioner in the window . We 're smack dab in the middle of a little heat wave , and this will help me and Pogo be more comfortable . Eddie said he 'd be back another day to install a ceiling fan on the porch . For now , I can use my little floor fan as soon as I can figure out a way to plug it into an outlet . Now that the a / c is in the window , maybe I can run an extension cord through there too . By supper time Saturday evening , my feet were all swollen and I could barely walk . I soaked them for a while but it did not seem to help . During the night , my left foot was extremely painful . I got up and placed an ice bag ( inside a towel ) on the floor and kept my left foot on it , under it , beside it . . . . whatever it took to help with the pain . The right foot appeared to be much better , but the left foot was not . Yesterday morning , it took everything I could muster to take Pogo out to the house so that he could have his turkey treat . He likes me to sit and hold him while he eats his treat . I 've had this problem before with my feet . It is sort of like gout , but it is caused by my spine . Usually it goes away after about a week . Groan , groan . Next , we had a new dwarf moving into the house . So back out to the house I hobbled . By now I want to scream at people and life for making me have to move about , but it won 't do any good . Once I was done with the new tenant , I made it back to my little place and my chair . My friend Ellen called and asked if she might come by for a visit . I really want to see her so I said okay . I mean why not ? We can just sit and chat , right ? She brought me an iced coffee from McDonald 's ( mmm , delicious ! ! ) and we went out on the porch to sit . Next , the kids ( Kevin , Janice and their friend Jay } showed up bearing gifts . They brought me a new set of Pink Flamigos for my yard . Now how did they know that I have been wanting a set of these ? Janice set them out in the little garden nearest the porch . Don 't they look super ? They also brought me a box with another batch of those little solar toys that I have on the porch rail . I 'll get some photos of them later to share . Next , Kevin and Jay took my grocery list and went shopping for me while Janice started planting Dahlia bulbs into the big new pots that I had bought a while ago . I 've had the bulbs for a while , but I 'm hoping they still grow . When the boys got back from the market , they brought the groceries in and Janice helped to put them all away , Have I mentioned how blessed I am ? After the groceries were put away , Kevin took the vacuum cleaner out to the porch , and Ellen , Pogo and I came inside to get out of their way . The boys vacuumed the whole back half of the porch . Then they taped off the screen on the back half of the porch and proceeded to paint on the waterproofing sealer that I had bought . They also hung a new flag that I had bought earlier . These kids are just awesome ! ! ! Kevin says he will come back another day and finish sealing the rest of the porch . When the kids left to go home , I sent one of my porch rocking chairs with them for Deanne 's porch . The chairs are really comfortable but they take up too much room on my porch . I had to laugh though , because it took a whole container of Bungee cords to tie the chair to the roof on Kevin 's car . It worked though , and they made it home okay . Yesterday 's temps ( and today 's ) soared up into the 90 's . It 's been hot , hot , hot ! My foot has been wicked painful , although it 's not quite so hurting today . I 'm hobbling around a bit better . There 's a nice breeze outside and my flags are gently waving . Pogo and I are comfortable . It 's a good day ! ! I have more photos to share but I 'll save them for another day . Now I think I 'll go see what 's for lunch . Pogo is looking a bit hungry . haha . So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have an awesome day . Good morning . Tis another beautiful sunny day here in New England . Much as I 'd love to go out shopping , I think I may have to stay close to home today . Pogo and I went out shopping yesterday with Dwarf Helen and it just about did me in . Goodness , my head and my mind have all these awesome ideas of things to do , but the body is just not cooperating . It gets rather frustrating at times . I 'm so used to being able to do whatever I set out to do . I 've always been a very busy person . Now it takes a lot of effort to just sit in a chair . Go figure ! Yesterday , we had a wonderful time browsing through a warehouse store . ( they seem to have a bit of most everything ) On the way home , we stopped by McDonalds for lunch and Pogo had his usual double hamburger . I bought extra French fries to feed to the birds . There 's always a flock of hungry seagulls near a restaurant . When we got home , and I rested a bit , I went out to check on the robin 's nest . Woo Hoo ! The eggs have hatched ! Wow ! I can see Mama robin taking things to the nest , but I 'm too far to get a decent photo . Besides , when she notices me , she either flies away or covers her babies with her body . When Joe got home from work , I asked him to get a photo with my phone . This is our best photo for now . I 'll keep trying . The babies look like a blur of orangey brown colored feathers . One little bird has his head up enough that you can make it out . ( on the left side of the nest ) The new tick spray that I ordered for Pogo arrived , so today I 'll get to try it out . It 's supposed to be safe for cats and dogs of all ages , and can be used on their bedding . It contains no harsh chemicals or drugs . ( Made in Austin , Texas ) Here 's hoping it works . Ah , Pogo just took off running to the storm door . He saw the mail truck going down the street ( the opposite direction from us ) so now he knows that the mailman will be here in a little while . Barking at the mailman is one of the highlights of Pogo 's day . Good morning . The sun is shining and it 's looking like a beautiful day outside . Temps are supposed to get up into the low seventies . With a little luck , maybe Pogo and I can get out to do a bit of shopping later today . I need to pick up a few things for the house . ( plus it would be nice to get out for a while ) I have some cute photos to share today . As I was passing by the kitchen window yesterday , I looked out to see if any birds were at the bird feeder . Then I noticed a dinner guest down below the feeder , hidden among the plants and the grass . He was feasting on all the seeds that the birds had been dropping . Has anyone noticed that this is the time of year when all sorts of strange bugs come out ? Gosh , I can 't stand them ! I don 't like bugs and flies . Pogo doesn 't like them either . Sometimes Pogo gets all sort of paranoid when there is a fly buzzing around . It makes me wonder about the awful conditions he had to live in before he came to me . Right now , my little guy is next to me on the sofa , all snuggled up in his big fuzzy blanket . A few days ago , I put his blanket in the washer , and he did not rest well until after it was dried and I brought it back to the sofa . Naturally , he had to check it all out to make sure I hadn 't done anything ( other than clean it ) to it . Well that 's about all my news for today . I 'm thinking that I should get dressed and probably head out to my car . I have a shopping list all ready , and Pogo is raring to go ! So till tomorrow , Y ' all have a fantabulous day . Hugs , Edna B . Good morning . The rain has stopped and the sun is trying very hard to come out and warm us all up . Would you believe ? Today 's theme on " Bubble Guppies " is all about rain and how important it is . Goodness , talk about timely ! I know , don 't say it . What 's an old lady like me doing watching Bubbly Guppies ? Well , the TV was on , and the program just came on and I 'm too lazy ( or pre - occupied ) to go over and change the station . Besides , the program is rather cute . No violence or smut , just fun songs and things to learn . Well , yesterday was another of those " what in the world did I do all day " days . Aside from playing on my laptop , I can 't think of anything else that I did . Well , I did put a couple more rows on the Red , White and Blue afghan , I paid taxes , fed the birds and washed some dishes . So I guess my day was full . Sort of . haha . Today I have a new quick page for you . For this one , I was inspired by the all the rain that we 've been having lately . I hope you can use it . Well , there 's not much news for today so I think I 'll take my leave here . Soon it will be lunch time and I 'll have to find something tasty for Pogo . And me too ! So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have a fantabulous day . Hugs , Edna B . Good morning . Tis another gray , wet day but the weatherman promises warmer temps and sunshine as soon as tomorrow . Gosh , I hope so . The rain is good , but I need the warmth of the sun to build up some energy . The older I get , the more sun I need it . Yesterday Kevin and Janicee came by and Kevin raked up all the tall grasses that Joe had cut down on Sunday . The rain had let up a bit , but I guess cutting all that tall grass spread out a lot of new allergens . Poor Kevin , I felt so bad for him . I 'll have to remember not to have him doing any yard work when the allergens are high . Once the kids left , I crocheted for a while , then had a nap . Goodness , it seems like taking naps and figuring out what to make for supper are becoming my new daily projects . Pogo and I were so hoping to get out shopping but we 're waiting for a warm sunny day . So maybe later this week ? Last week when I went grocery shopping , I thought I would try a new product . Duncan Hines has muffin and cake mixes called " Perfect Size For 1 . " I bought a box of Chocolate Lovers cake mix and a box of Blueberry Muffin mix . You make these in a coffee mug , and it only takes one minute and ten seconds to bake in the microwave . That first night , I made the chocolate cake . Oh my , yum yum ! Two different mornings , I 've made the blueberry muffin to have with my coffee . What can I say ? Absolutely delicious ! ! I recommend these for anyone who doesn 't want to make a whole cake or a whole batch of muffins . For folks like me , the whole cake or batch is just too much . These are perfect . Today I think I 'll play on my laptop for a while . I have a couple new kits that I 'd like to try , and I have some ideas for quick pages . Fathers Day and the start of summer will be here soon , along with new photos needing to be scrapped . Plus I have another kit to re - package and post . I guess I have enough to keep me busy all day . It 's raining , and all my little birds are congregating near my porch to let me know that the bird feeder is empty . I just took a few minutes out to go outside and fill up the feeder . While I was out there , I looked over to see if mama Robin was on her nest , and she was . Well , the morning is quickly disappearing , and I 'm wanting to play a bit on my laptop . So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have a fantabulous day . Good morning . Well , tis gray and wet outside , but I did wake up so it 's still a great day . There are big puddles everywhere , and the birds and little critters love to splash around in them . Enjoy little ones , the sun will come out in a couple of days and the puddles will be gone . Well , yesterday turned out to be quite the day . In the morning , Joe worked on the lawn tractor , getting it ready to start mowing down our grass fields ( lawn areas ) . One of our resident robins was keeping an eye on him , and she was becoming quite agitated . I thought she might have a nest nearby , so I started looking around . We keep the tractor covered up near the corner of the shed . Just a few feet away , I spotted something on the shed window sill and asked Joe to check it out . Sure enough , there was a nest tucked into the window sill , and there are five beautiful blue eggs inside it . As soon as Joe drove the tractor around to the other side of the house , our Mama Robin flew to her nest and got inside to protect her eggs . Thank goodness my little camera has a nice zoom on it . I was able to get this photo while standing by the corner of my porch . I am so excited about all this because even though there are several robins in my yard , I 've never seen any of their nests or eggs . Here 's hoping that all five of these eggs hatch . I can 't wait to watch them grow . Later , I was browsing around on Facebook , and came across a posting that said it was my cousin David 's birthday . So , I left a Happy Birthday wish in the comments . Later his wife , Linda , left a comment , " Who are you ? " Mind you , I have not seen this cousin since he was just a very little boy . So I know nothing about his life or where he lives . Nothing . So I answered the comment with " I 'm his cousin . " I gave my phone number and asked Linda to call me . Later , she did and we had a wonderful conversation . Linda has been researching family records , trying to learn as much as she can about their family histories . I told her about my book " 300 Years of Louds in America " . She went on Amazon and found the book there so she ordered it . Just wait till her book arrives . She and David are going to love it ! We exchanged emails and addresses so that we can keep in touch . I have to tell you folks , that this is exciting . My brother and I went our whole lives without cousins and aunts and uncles , even though we came from a very large extended family . So to be able to connect with parts of this family is exciting . Over the years , I 've been able to find a couple cousins , an uncle ( Fred ) and an aunt . ( Lucy ) Both Fred and Lucy are gone now . It would be nice to meet up with a few more members of my family while I 'm still here . Here 's a photo of David and Linda . ( Linda posted it on FB and I downloaded it ) David , I hope you had an awesome birthday . Last night , for supper , I opened a can of corned beef hash ( which I haven 't had for a long time ) and cooked it with a couple of fried eggs . Oh my , delicious ! Pogo did not want any of this , so I ate his share too and gave him a plate of doggie food . Now it 's time to find something to keep me busy today . Haha . There is always something to do to keep me busy . It 's a matter of whether or not I 'll do it ! ! ! So , till tomorrow , Y ' all have a fantabulous day .

Ramblin 's and ruminations about the events in our lives . Thank you for stopping by . It 's a pleasure to have you here and I hope you enjoy your visit . Y ' all come back now , hear ? . . . . . ( ( crickets ) ) My family has lived in the Dug Gap community for over 70 years . My father grew up on the family farm . Years later , my grandparents deeded an acre apiece to my father and his sister . They both built houses in the ' 50 's . My uncle also got an acre of ground to build his house on in the ' 80 's . My aunt and uncle moved away but my father has always lived there . Daddy knows a lot about the community . One time my mother was driving home from town down Dug Gap Road when a limb broke out of a big tree growing on the side of the road , smashing her windshield on the car . She asked the people who owned the house if they had homeowners insurance to cover the broken windshield . The homeowners claimed that it was on the right - of - way and it was the county 's responsibility . They contacted the county but they said that they didn 't own the right of way . Daddy and Moma went to the courthouse to check the records and find out if the county owned the right - of - way . The county didn 't own the right - of - way so they weren 't able to get them to fix Moma 's car . Fast forward a few years later when the county was widening the road down Dug Gap . They were taking about a foot or so of everyone 's property on each side of the road and paving it . Daddy said they were going to have to pay him if they wanted to pave beside the road because it was illegal to take people 's property without paying compensation . When they got to his property , he went outside to tell them that they couldn 't widen the road at his property unless they paid him for it . The road crew called their supervisors and they came to talk to Daddy . They got the commissioners to come down and tell him that they owned the right - of - way . He told them that he knew for a fact that the county didn 't own the right - of - way and he wasn 't going to allow them to pave the shoulder of the road unless they paid for it . The commissioners said that they would bring proof to show Daddy that he was wrong . They left Daddy standing at the driveway to make sure nobody started paving while they were gone . Everybody in the family went inside talking about the excitement and wondering what would happen next . It didn 't take long to find out . Instead of the commissioners coming back with proof that the county owned the right - of - way , a deputy sheriff came down the road and stopped in the road in front of the house . He told Daddy that he didn 't have a right to stop the road crew from paving the road and he was wasting their valuable time . Daddy told him that the commissioners were coming back soon to tell him if they had the right - of - way to Dug Gap Road . The deputy told Daddy that if he didn 't stop obstructing their job he would arrest him . Daddy told the deputy that he was on his own property and the sheriff couldn 't arrest him because he wasn 't breaking any laws . The deputy grabbed Daddy and yanked him into the road and said , " You 're not on your property now , are you ? " , then he punched him in the side near his kidneys with the end of his billy stick . It made Daddy double over in pain . Daddy had been suffering with prostate problems when the sheriff 's deputy punched him . He had been under a doctor 's care because of his prostate gland . Being jerked around by handcuffs and hit in the side didn 't help . I was pregnant at the time . When I went outside and saw that the commissioners had returned I went up to them and started yelling at them and telling them what a bunch of cowards they were to call the sheriff on my Daddy and that they were a bunch of crooks and liars . One of the commissioners said they thought Mr . Burchfield 's " wife " was going to go in labor because I was so upset . The dumbass wasn 't even listening when I was cussing them and telling them how sorry I thought they were for having my Daddy arrested . No wonder they wouldn 't listen to my Daddy . Daddy 's no dummy . He knows an awful lot about local law and things going on in the community . He was right about the law and the right - of - way . . Moma found out that Daddy had been arrested so she got off work and went to arrange Daddy 's bail . She got PawPaw to go with her to help get him out of jail . The road crew worked hard to pave that strip of land and get out of there before Daddy got out of jail . Daddy is not one to sit and let people walk all over him . He contacted a lawyer . Actually , he contacted a lot of lawyers . He found out that no lawyer in Dalton would take his case , even though he had proof that he was right about the right - of - way and the unlawful arrest . It took him a while until he was finally able to find someone to take his case . In the meantime the road department came back down the road widening the bridges on Dug Gap Road . Moma was at home that day . She went outside and told the workers they didn 't have the right to widen the bridge on our side of the road and that she and Daddy were in the process of sueing the county and if they paved the bridge on our side of the road she would just sue them , too . The road crew called their supervisor and he told them to leave that bridge alone . The bridge at my parents house still isn 't paved today . It took years before the case went to court . Both of my boys were big by the time the case went to court . Daddy won his case and was paid a settlement . Another time Moma and Daddy befriended some neighbors who were old maids . Moma had asked them if she could have some of their pecans . After getting to know the ladies , Moma and Daddy felt sorry for them because they all seemed helpless . Their yard was overgrown and their bushes needed trimmed . Daddy went to one of the churchs at Dug Gap and told them that some old ladies who lived in the neighborhood needed some help to get their yard cleaned up . He asked the preacher if he would get some young people together to clean up the old ladies yard . He said that the preacher asked what church they went to . Daddy said he didn 't know what church they went to but they needed help and he was asking for it . He promised to get back to him . Nobody from the church ever showed up to help . Moma and Daddy ended up taking their trailer up there and cut down three huge loads of limbs and brush . They hauled it all down to their house and burned it . Years later , when the electric company wanted to put huge power poles down a small section of Dug Gap Road , everybody in the neighborhood wanted to stop them . People got together trying to get the electric company to use another less invasive route . Daddy and Moma went to meetings to discuss the gigantic metal power poles being proposed . Daddy and other members of the community went around talking to people about the power poles . He even asked one of the pastors from another church for their support in stopping the electric company from putting huge power poles through that part of Dug Gap . Instead of supporting him , they told the electric company that it would be okay with them if they wanted to put the poles on their church property . When people in the neighborhood found out that the only ones to get any money from the electric company would be the actual people who owned the property that the poles would be placed on everyone lost interest . Never mind the fact that Dug Gap looks hideous with those monstrous metal power poles running through a short section of Dug Gap . It seems that the only way people care about anything is if money is involved . Daddy has a huge 142 foot metal power pole in the front yard between his house and his neighbor 's house . I 've learned to ignore it but it is HUGE . And so unnecessary . They could have run the line from Highway 41 through the woods and by the Ryman Farm and subdivision . There are already electric lines that run across that section of Dug Gap Road from Highway 41 . It would have been able to go directly to the Valley Point power station by that route along Highway 41 . I think the commissioners and the electric company probably chose the route they did to make sure to put a huge ugly power pole in Daddy 's front yard . But that 's just my theory . There are a lot of churches in the Dug Gap community . When the Muslim 's bought some property in Dug Gap , the community banned together in opposition of a mosque . Daddy went to those meetings , too . When Daddy was allowed to speak he told everyone in the meeting about asking one church for help in blocking the power lines through Dug Gap and how they hadn 't helped . He also told about asking another church to help the elderly ladies in the community . Then he told about one church that had purchased land to build their church on and how they had desecrated a graveyard . He offered to talk to anyone after the meeting if they wanted more details . The preacher from that church caught up with him after the meeting and told him that he had no right to say things like that about his church . He said they hadn 't bulldozed any graves . Daddy told him that he was a liar . He told the preacher that he was going to town one day and saw that the church was bulldozing the land all around the graves . When he came back from town the dirt had been graded down and there wasn 't a sign of the graves . The preacher said , oh well , there weren 't any bones and so they didn 't desecrate any graves . The preacher also said that someone had told him it would be alright to level the graves . Daddy said he had probably been talking to Quinton Babb and he didn 't even own the property so he had no right telling them that they could flatten the graves . People had used the excuse that the mosque would bring in too much traffic down Dug Gap so Daddy told about all the churches that had been built over the years . One church had been built recently and was adjascent to the property owned by the Muslims . He said that , so far , the churches in the community hadn 't done a thing to help him but , he felt , if he asked the Muslims for help they would probably be more accommodating than some people in the neighborhood . He also said that since they didn 't meet like the churches in the community they probably wouldn 't attract any more traffic than the other churches . DaMy father is one of those rare American 's who believe in standing up for the things that he believes are right and he isn 't afraid to stand up to local government or big business or community discord . He inspires me . I 've never forgotten my Christmas present when I was five years old and I especially never forgot the lesson I learned the hard way . As a little kid I don 't remember many specific details . I think my consciousness was sort of napping until my id awoke . That 's the psychoanalytical source of psychic energy . I guess it is my way of saying that if it were not for this specific incident I would probably have forgotten what I had gotten when I was five but fortunately for that Christmas I had gotten a beautiful bright blue bicycle and had my first road trip . Daddy bought me a 24 " bike but , to my diminutive stature , it appeared huge . Daddy chose an expensive bike and he told me that he got it for me so that I could take care of it and never need another bike in my life . Woe ! That was a big responsibility to a little girl but I was delighted . He had even put training wheels on the bicycle and left them barely not touching on either side so that the bike could be ridden by experienced riders like himself . We lived in a rental house on Dug Gap Road in Dalton , Georgia . His parents lived about two miles down the road from us . Daddy 's sister lived between us and their parents house along the way . The weather was nice for Christmas day and Daddy suggested that we ride my bike down to my grandparents house . He said that he would ride on the seat and steer for me and I could pedal so that my legs could start getting strong so I could ride my new bike . I thought that was a fine idea . After a while I saw that I had been duped but that didn 't matter , we still traveled on . Sometimes Daddy would give me a break and let me rest from pedaling . I was growing exhausted by the time we got to the old Dug Gap store and stopped to rest . My aunt lived in one of the houses next to the store and we stopped in to visit and get warm before we traveled on . My aunt had her house all decorated for Christmas and had a big cedar tree in the living room sitting on her polished wooden floor . I remember she always had a Victorian painting of a woman posing for her picture . I asked her who the beautiful lady in the picture was and she said it was a portrait of herself when she was young . I frowned at this statement but never thought to doubt her . I just thought they didn 't look the same to me . Hmm . Vivian was a big joker so I never knew when to take her seriously . Sometimes she was called Ben , too , so that 's what I usually called her . Her son had tried to call her Vivian when he was little and it had come out as Ben and it had stuck . She was all the time teasing us kids and she was teasing me that day about giving me a Christmas present if I was nice . I had to beg her for my gift . She pulled out a present all wrapped in gay wrapping paper . I tore into it and unwrapped something knitted . I unfolded it and saw that I had gotten an ugly pair of red slipper socks with stripes on them . I must not have looked pleased because Ben asked me if I liked the socks and I said " No . They 're ugly . " I must have hurt her feelings but when you 're five years old you only notice your own feelings and my feelings were hurt . I don 't know why I didn 't like the socks but I thought they were a dumb gift . Vivian said , " In that case then I 'll give them to Stevie or Eddie . They 'll like them . " Stevie and Eddie were my younger cousins and Ben 's nephews . I didn 't want her to give my present away so I said " No , I 'll take them . " to which she replied , " Too late , little girl . You 'll learn to say ' thank you ' next time . " She put the gift back in the pile for somebody else and I ended up with nothing . At first I thought she was kidding but she wasn 't kidding this time . The moral of this story is sort of obvious but it was one lesson I learned awfully young . Too bad a few more people haven 't met up with their own Aunt Ben and learned to be gracious and say ' thanks ' no matter what the gift is . It 's not the present that counts , it 's the thought . I never did get a gift from Ben that year and I never did complain about anything she gave me after that . Lesson learned , Daddy and I continued on to Beulah and Paw Paw 's house , but the climax of the day had already happened . The ride back home felt a lot longer . The thing that attracted me to Don when I first met him was the fact that he could " do things " . He wasn 't afraid to work on his own car or get dirty and work hard . He was a man 's man . He wasn 't big and flashy but he was focused and determined . No matter what the job , Don proved himself more than capable of the challenge . He built a small shelf out of old oak boards from a pallet and produced an attractive place to display his stuffed raccoons . He had two young raccoons mounted on a tree limb . He also displayed a huge mule deer he had shot in Colorado hanging on the living room wall . He even built a seven by ten foot shelf for our books and TV . He never ceased to amaze me at what he was able to accomplish . We bought a home in Gordon County and Don has done everything around here that has improved the place . He landscaped the yard so that it doesn 't flood under the house when it rains . He put all the gutters on the house without any help . He even put a six foot high fence around the yard for the kids when they were little . Our whole backyard is enclosed . We had an old dilapidated building that we use for storage . There is a huge old pine tree that grows beside the old barn . Don worried that the limbs would fall off the tree and crash through the barn . This began to really worry him over a long period of time until he finally decided to climb up the tree and cut some precariously loose limbs . Don had a good chain saw and an extension ladder . He got an early start and climbed up the tree to begin to discard weak branches . The boys and I went somewhere and were gone for a long time . After we came back home we found out that Don had been cutting tree limbs when a big pine limb hit the ladder and knocked it down . He had been standing on another big limb way up high and he couldn 't figure any way to get out of the tree or how to retrieve the ladder . He was stuck up a tree ! Don said he sat on the tree limb for a long time yelling for anybody to come and help him down . Our neighbor , Jay , finally heard him calling and came down to see what was wrong . She had a good laugh when she got here and saw him sitting on a tree limb . It was a good thing he had left the fence open or she wouldn 't have been able to get in the backyard to help him . She came over and put the extension ladder back up for him so that he could finally come down . He decided to tie a rope to the ladder so that he could pull the ladder back up if he knocked the ladder down again . He didn 't want to be stuck again . " Neither a borrower , nor a lender be . . . " That reminds me of the story about the logsplitter . Don 's a metal worker and he is a genius with a torch and metal . He made a great logholder for my parents when we first got married and he 's able to make anything if he has the time . He has built several flatbed trailers and he even built his own logsplitter after we bought a wood stove and started burning firewood . When a couple of friends heard that Don had built a logsplitter they asked to borrow it . Don is a much more generous person than I am so he agreed to let them borrow his logsplitter . He figured it would be okay because it was a heavy duty hydraulic logsplitter built on a huge I - beam and was practically indestructible . It was capable of splitting some huge trees . He said there wasn 't any way they could hurt the logsplitter so I shouldn 't worry . Huh ! Little did he know . My friend Pat and her husband asked to borrow the logsplitter and Don lent it to them . Alan came to our house to get the logsplitter and even brought it home after a couple of weeks . I was in the yard when he pulled up in our driveway in his big red truck and just sat there grinning like a ' possum . He hadn 't said a word yet . I said , " Hello Alan . What are you doing ? " and he kept smiling and said he was returning the logsplitter . I 'm sure I teased Alan mercilessly for losing the logsplitter and not even noticing it and I know I told Pat what a bonehead he was . She had always been aware of Alan 's imperfections before and had told good natured stories about him so I didn 't think it would make her mad . But not long after that incident I called Pat and she never returned my phone calls . I tried to talk to her several times and she never ever called again . I finally got the message and quit calling her . Oh well . I couldn 't figure out what I had done that was so awful that she wouldn 't talk to me but over the years I have seen several friends fall by the wayside . It really hurt my feelings to lose a friend without understanding why . Years later Don admitted that he had told Alan off and told him what a dumbass he was when they had gone back to get the logsplitter . He was really mad at Alan for losing the logsplitter and for not even realizing it until he got to our house . Maybe that 's why Pat didn 't talk to me again . I just don 't know . Next it was Don 's childhood friend Terry who asked to borrow the logsplitter . Don even took it over to Terry 's house to let him use it . He lived up in Crow Valley in the country and he had a lot of firewood to split . Terry had one cripple arm so he had been having a hard time getting all his wood split . The logsplitter was the answer to his prayers . Don told him to keep the logsplitter as long as he needed it and he could bring it home when he had all his wood split . Don emphasized the importance of getting the logsplitter hitch locked and using the safety chains . When Terry was through with the logsplitter he hooked it to the trailer ball and started to bring it home . He got on Walnut Avenue , one of the busiest two lane highways in Dalton , before the logsplitter suddenly came loose from the car and went barreling across both lanes of oncoming traffic and landed in the front yard of a vacant house . Terry was so shaken that he came on down to our house and got Don to ride back up there and help him get the logsplitter . They brought the logsplitter home . After these two incidents we didn 't lend the logsplitter to anybody again . He let his stepfather use it but he took the logsplitter to Charlie 's house and went back to pick it up . We didn 't want to take any chances of anybody getting killed , or hurt . Like I said , " Neither a lender , nor a borrower be . " Now you know why it doesn 't pay to lend things . We could have been sued if somebody had been injured when the logsplitter was being hauled around by some careless or incompetent person . Thank goodness nobody was injured in either case but the indestructible logsplitter could have been lethal . When I was in high school a friend of mine raised three orphan grey squirrels . They were Romeo , Juliet and Ophelia . She loved to talk about their pet squirrels and tell about their antics living with her and her young husband in a small mobile home . I would go and visit them and enjoy these beautiful wild creatures up close and personal . Someone at school had a flying squirrel that was becoming a nuisance and they offered the squirrel to Patricia . She would have liked to adopt the little flying squirrel but she was afraid it would upset her grey squirrels and cause problems . She asked me if I would like to have Silky . I was thrilled to adopt the cute little creature . Patricia and Billy brought Silky to my house and let him loose to show me and my family how friendly the little squirrel was . They bribed him with pecans and walnuts . He would scamper all over them , crawling on their shirts and pants and perching on top of their heads . He would perch there for a few moments to examine his new environment and then suddenly go sailing across the room to land on the curtain rod and scurry across it like it was a tree limb . He was funny and friendly . He took to us immediately and Moma and Daddy were won over . They didn 't mind having Silky in the house . In the evenings Silky and I would retire to the bedroom with the door closed so he wouldn 't wander about the house and keep everybody awake all night . Flying squirrels are nocturnal animals and he became progressively active at night . His bed was a cube shaped kleenex box I place on the curtain rod above my bed . Every night he would sail across the bedroom over my bed and hit the closet door . Thump ! Then you could hear him scurry across the wooden floor and sense him crawling over the bed and leaping up the curtains to ascend to his treetop only to jump into the abyss and smack into the closet door , or land somewhere else and scamper around . After a while I began to grow sick of the noise and loss of sleep . Locking him in the closet didn 't help because he would slam into the door again and again trying to get out . Moma and Daddy were having carpet put in for the first time and having the ceilings sprayed with foam to make it look modern . The house became a maze of displaced furniture that was being constantly moved out of rooms so the ceilings could be sprayed . All of this activity made Silky nervous and he was able to hide so it wasn 't easy to keep track of him . The house was finally straightened out and everything settled back to normal . Moma found nuts that Silky had hidden above widows and the glass door . He was very good at saving his nuts for later . Moma and Daddy were both working at night during that time . Moma would always stand in the bathroom in front of the sink getting ready for work . I had to spend the night next door at my grandparents so I left the house before Moma went to work . I walked to their house . I would have to walk home in the morning to get ready for school . I stayed with relatives whenever Moma and Daddy were both working third shift so I was used to doing this . The next morning I walked through the field from my grandparent 's house in the early morning chill and went into a quiet , lonely house . I ate my milk and cereal and went to the bathroom to finish getting ready for school . The lid on the toilet was raised and I thought I saw an olive green kleenex like the ones Moma used floating in the toilet . I reached out to flush the toilet and then looked down to see that it was Silky floating in the toilet ! I was horrified . Silky was stiff and drenched . It looked like he had spit up in the water ! I could imagine the curious little squirrel flying into the toilet unaware of the danger . I imagined his struggle as he tried in vain to get a foot hold on the cold slick porceline . I began to cry with deep wracking sobs as I realized his fear and panic before he drowned . . . in toilet water ! Augh ! ! ! What a way to die . I was sick with grief and guilt because I hadn 't stayed to make sure the toilet lid had been closed . Daddy had warned us of the danger and yet we had still let Silky drown . I felt too upset to go to school that day . Moma came houe and got Silky out of the toilet . I didn 't even have the guts to fish him out . Whenever I looked at him I wanted to throw up . Moma and Daddy let me mope around the house all day and cry over Silky . The next day I went to school even though I still felt close to tears . My friends asked me why I hadn 't been in school the day before . I told them that Silky , my flying squirrel , drowned in the toilet . Instead of the sympathy I expected from them I received laughter and then they would turn around to somebody else and tell them to ask me why I had been out of school . Everybody thought it was a big joke . That was my first experience at realizing that unless a tragedy touches you personally nobody cares . One good thing did come of that . After Silky drowned Moma did quit buying the green kleenex out of courtesy to Silky . After all , at first , I did think he was a tissue . I guess I was the nut . I love living in Resaca . There 's never a shortage of entertainment around here . One day Scout and I was at home when a car with two men pulled up in the driveway . Scout went outside to see what they wanted . I could see them outside . In a minute the car was still there but the men were gone . I looked outside the windows trying to see where they had gone . I saw the young man standing in front of our barn and couldn 't see the old man or Scout so I went out there to see what was going on . When I went out there I thought they might be some religious people because the young man looked very clean cut and the old man had Scout cornered at the back of the barn near Colt 's truck waving his arms around and kind of poking Scout in the chest . I sure didn 't recognize them . The young man introduced himself and said that the old man was a neighbor that he had been riding around for the past couple of days . He said the old man was on a toot and his family had kicked him out . He had been taking him places when the old man asked him to . The old man asked him to bring him to our house because he wanted to visit Don . It turns out that the old fellow used to work with Don . Don had talked about fixing Colt 's truck and the old man had come to see it . The old man said he thought Don was a great guy and he really had enjoyed working with him . He just kept going on and on and it was obvious he was wasted . He kind of staggered around and looked unsteady . He bent down and cracked his head on Scout 's truck and then when that happened he decided to get on one knee and his knee landed in cat crap . I think he had meant to get on one knee and apologize for acting a fool in front of me . Instead he proved himself to be a bigger dummy . Scout and I started walking them towards the front yard and out the main gate . The old man kept talking about how he hoped he hadn 't made me mad and he sure wasn 't trying to cause any trouble . I asked the young man if he had been drinking , too , and he said he hadn 't . He just felt sorry for the old fellow . The old man staggered and fell back again before he left . I was worried to death he was going to crack his old head . If he had , he would have fallen under the Edgewood insurance policy . That 's where we throw you over the fence off of our property and leave you at the edge of the woods and let the coyotes take care of you . That 's what I used to threaten the kids with if they ever got hurt while playing . That 's why my kids weren 't complainers . They finally left before Don got home from work . Scout said he was glad Don hadn 't come home early or the old man wouldn 't have ever left . I figure the old man deserved to fall in cat crap if he 's stupid enough to go around visiting people when he 's so drunk . Don 't you ? Over the past 22 years we have seen countless wrecks and accidents . I usually don 't think to take pictures but I was able to take the pictures on my cell phone and ( with Colt 's help ) put them up here . The man driving the Cadillac was going to visit the Wheat 's . He got out of the car and went to talk to Mr . Wheat . I finally figured out that a man and a woman had been driving the PT Cruiser . The lady took pictures with her cell phone , too . I couldn 't figure how the white car landed over the ditch and not IN the ditch . If he swung around through the driveway he barely missed a couple of reflectors there . And if he swung around over the ditch how come he didn 't fall in it ? Who knows ? The couple didn 't appear to be hurt and the old man was walking around and talking to Mr . Wheat so he looked like he would be alright . I talked to one of our neighbor 's who told me that he had lost his wife in February when he was making a turn on the Dalton By - Pass and was T - Boned in the passenger door . His name was Mr . Slaughter . He said he thought the man driving the Cadillac could be Mr . Wheat 's father . Don 't quote me on that though because I didn 't ask . Live , learn , laugh and love . Nobody 's getting out of here alive . Nobody 's perfect . Try to remember you 're not Nobody . The best way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket . The old believe everything ; the middle - aged suspect everything ; the young know everything . Oscar WildeThe only thing we have to fear is fear itself . Franklin D . RooseveltLife isn 't fair and you don 't get any guarantees . " The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience , but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy . " ~ Martin Luther King , Jr .

Home of a mother , wife , writer Posts tagged ' a - z challenge ' A to Z : Z is for Zenith Last time , we left Cassie and Icarus taking Henry down . And the state police showing up . Now , to what happens next for them . Cassie held on to Grady as he rounded another curve on his bike . They 'd been back at the clubhouse for nearly a week now . She could hardly believe he 'd let go of her at all in that time . They hadn 't discussed much of what had happened . Or what was going to happen next . They 'd just held onto each other as much as they could . The police had only held him for a few hours , until they could sort out everthing that had happened . Cassie was sure her statement had gone a long way to getting Grady released as soon as he was . And the reason Henry was still sitting in a cell , despite his connection to the sheriff . Hopefully he would not be getting out for a long while . If ever again . Jake and Daniel were sitting in another cell as accomplices . She hoped they wouldn 't be getting out , either . But , when they did , they wouldn 't have jobs in the sheriff 's department any longer . She could at least be thankful for that . Whether the sheriff had known what they were doing or not , he couldn 't very well back them and come out looking very good . She caught the edge of his grin before he looked back toward the road . She hung on to him as they took the final turn to the lookout point they 'd gone to almost twenty years ago . She had some rather fond memories of the place . Grady stopped the bike and she slid off from behind him . By the time she 'd removed her helmet , he was off the bike and pulling a blanket and small basket of food out of one of the saddlebags . The cook from the clubhouse had put together some sandwiches and things for them . She grabbed the two bottles of water they 'd brought along and joined him where he 'd laid out the blanket . " I was going to quit the club . Take you , Birdie and Trace if they wanted , and go find somewhere we could all find peace . Would you want me to do that ? " She couldn 't believe he was asking her that . " Why would you do that ? That club is so much of who you are . And I 've seen the good you do for people . Why would you just give that up ? " " And you matter to me . I love you , Grady . Whether you 're here with the club or we go somewhere else and you find another way to help people . That 's what you 've always wanted to do , though . Even before . You can 't give up doing that . " He hugged her a little tighter to him . " I guess we 'll stay then . All I want right now is to spend the rest of my life with you . That sound good ? " He turned her toward him and took her mouth in a long kiss before laying her down on the blanket . Later , after watching the sun set , she climbed back on the bike behind him , and they headed back for the clubhouse . To their home . She knew this wasn 't the end . But , she was glad to have every moment she could with him . She wasn 't going to take another one for granted . And that 's it ! I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I enjoyed taking you on it . There 's more in store for these characters . I should be starting to put Devil 's story ( Dance with the Devil ) up on Wattpad soon ( you can read the first 2 stories there as well ) and am just starting to write Hawk 's . I 'm not sure whose will come after that . Tagged with : a - z challengeCassieGradyRiders of JusticeStaring at the Sun A to Z : Y is for Your Love Last time , we left Icarus ready to go and rescue Cassie . And Chief reminding him of priorities . Today we 're back with Cassie . Will she be able to get away ? Read on ! We 're almost done . Cassie opened her eyes to light streaming through the window Wraith had climbed through the night before . There was no one there now , though , she could feel someone watching from the doorway . Henry , she realized turning her head slightly . Her mouth was dry , and her stomach ached . They hadn 't given her anything to eat or drink since they 'd grabbed her . And now her heart sank , knowing Grady still wasn 't here for her . Henry sauntered into the room , and she tried to force her body up into a sitting position . She got herself somewhat braced against the wall , but that was about the best she could do without the use of her hands . " You ready to start begging for that forgiveness yet , Cassandra ? " " I don 't need your forgiveness , Henry . You should be the one asking for it . You took advantage of a scared young girl who found herself pregnant and no way to get in touch with the father . And you held it against me every day . My trust in you , what I thought might be love . You used it to hurt me . And to hurt my son . No , I won 't ever ask you for forgiveness , Henry . And I 'll never give you mine . " He was in front of her in two strides . His hand shot out and her head bounced off the wall from the slap . " Do not ever speak to me like that again , Cassandra . I beat it out of you once . I 'll do it again . Don 't doubt it . " He turned and started to leave the room . But , Cassie heard the roar of engines down the street and propped herself up on her elbows . That had to be Icarus . If it wasn 't , she didn 't know what she 'd do . Henry had apparently heard it too . He sent a glare over his shoulder at her . " I 'll take care of that . Once he 's gone , you won 't have any other option but to apologize and accept what I offer you . " No , she wouldn 't . She knew taking care of it didn 't mean sending Grady on his way . He would never go without her . Not again . Which meant Henry likely planned to kill him or smehow have him arrested . No . She couldn 't let that happen . Cassie rolled onto her side and twisted her wrist around . She could feel it slicked with blood . The ties had already dug into her skin . And she felt it catch . She couldn 't just give up , though . Grady wouldn 't give up on her . Cassie bit her lip as pain seared through her hands , but then one of them was sliding out . She let the ring fall away from her wrist and and pushed herself up on the mattress . There wasn 't anything but the mattress in the room . Certainly nothing she could use as a weapon to help Icarus . She 'd need to find something once she got out there . Henry had left the door unlocked , apparently thinking there was no way she could get free . She stepped out into the hallway , keeping an eye out for anything she could use . She found a heavy canister near the other end of the hallway . She almost dropped it but managed to hold on as she creeped forward . Henry just laughed . " You can 't actually think I 'll let you get your filthy hands on her again . She 's mine now , Hartson . You lost . Get used to it . " " I haven 't lost anything . You will let her go . We have the state police waiting just down the road . If she doesn 't leave with us , it only takes one call , and they 'll be here to take you in on abduction charges and anything else they can find . I imagine they 're already at your house searching it for the drugs Trace told them about . " " You should . First we aren 't a gang or outlaws . And Eric Parnell still hs contacts in law enforcement . They believe what he tells them . And they 'll believe Cassie when she tells them you 've held her against her will . Let her go now , and this won 't go so bad for you . " " He 's right , " Cassie said , stepping forward . " I 'll tell them exactly what you 've done to me and to Trace , Henry . I imagine you 'd be lucky to make it out of prison . Especially if they knew what you 'd done to a boy you raised as your son . Add in that you 're a cop , and I doubt you 'd have any friends in prison . Grady 's gaze snapped up to hers , and she could see the relief shine in his eyes . Henry jerked around to face her , his mouth falling open . " What are you doing ? Put that damn thing down . " He laughed , and for the first ime it sounded a bit unhinged . " You can 't actually believe that will happen . I 'll never let you go again . " The canister trembled in her hand but she raised it up . " I won 't stay . No matter what it takes , I will find a way to get away from you . " He didn 't though . Cassie swung the canister at him , knocking into his arm just as a shot sounded . She could barely hear Grady 's shout over the deafening echo . But , then he was at her side , holding onto her while still aiming his gun at Henry . Henry knelt on the ground , holding one wrist in his other hand . It seemed to be bent at an angle now . Icarus couldn 't sleep . He 'd given up on it around midnight , coming down to the living room instead . A few people had been around , but most of them gave him the space they could obviously tell he needed . He 'd poured himself a glass of whiskey then continued to stare at it for the last couple hours . This was how it had strted befre too . The inability to sleep . Using alcohol and drugs to try to numb the pain . Then , Chief had arrested him . He didn 't want to know how far down that dark path he 'd have gone if it hadn 't been for that . Icarus shook his head . " No . Just another way of doing the foolish thing . Although your way did see Hawk safe . A lot better than this will for Cassie . " " Only because you and the other guys were right behind me . And , speaking of Hawk , he and Wraith just got back . Chief is bringing them in here so you don 't miss any of it . He wanted me to clear the room out for now . " Devil gave a quick salute and went to do that . There were a few grumbles , but everyone else left the room . They 'd be clued in as soon as they had a plan in place . Icarus had to smile a little despite everything . A big change had gone over Devil in just the last couple months . Ever since he 'd stopped denying who he was and who he loved . He was definitely coming into his own , just like Icarus always thought he would . Chief came in , Hawk and Wraith trailing behind him . Hawk nodded at Icarus , but his gaze didn 't leave Devil . Chief came straight to Icarus . " They found her , " he said . His gaze shot back to Hawk , but the other man gestured toward Wraith . " He 's the one who talked to her . I wanted to take the guys on guard out and bring her out of there , but I was told I was acting just like my lover boy , " he said with a wink at Devil . He nodded . " They had her alone in a room . I slipped in through the window . She was doing okay . I told her to hang on at least until morning . That we hadn 't abandoned her . That there was no way you wouldn 't come for her . She knows , man . She 'll be waiting for you . " " You , " Chief said , pointing a finger at him , " are going to go up and get some sleep . You 've always believed in leading by example . So , you need to start doing that . In the morning , you 'll take a few Riders , and you 'll get your woman back . You know what matters , Grady . Protecting the ones you love . That 's the example we lead by here . Justice only comes once that 's secured . " Icarus drew in another deep breath . " You 're right , Chief . I forgot it a little bit , but you 're right . We get Cassie out of there , then I can worry about making sure he never comes after her again . He doesn 't get to take what I love wthout consequences . " Chief sighed . " Not exactly what I meant , but close enough . Now , go up and sleep . All of you . We 'll get her back in the morning . " Cassie leaned her head back against the wall , forcing tears back once more . She 'd gone along with Jake and Daniel easily enough . Not that she 'd call it of her own free will . But , she hadn 't put up a fight . She hadn 't wanted Jake to take it out on Barbie if she 'd fought back before they were away from the clubhouse . And as soon as it was out of sight , they 'd pulled over , put a cloth around her eyes and tied her hands behind her back with something she figured was only a step away from zip ties . She couldn 't have fought back if she wanted to . And suddenly she had . But , even as she 'd tried , one of them had hit her with the side of a fist , if she could guess by the feel of it . It had stunned her long enough for them to climb back into the front and pull onto the road . She hadn 't even been buckled in , so she bounced around every time they hit a bump . And she swore Jake hit every bump he could as hard as possible . She didn 't have any way to brace herself or even see what was coming . She 'd smacked her head on the window several times and the seat in front of her even more often . By the time the car stopped again , her head was throbbing and spinning , and she was sure she was going to be sick . Neither of the men cared . They yanked her out of the car and shoved her up the walk toward the house . She fell twice , and they just handled her even rougher . Then , they 'd left her alone in this room , but they had at least removed the blindfold . She wasn 't sure if she could have taken much more of that . Still she felt like she was going to lose it . She didn 't have a clue how much time she 'd been here . Except night hadn 't quite come yet . Where was Grady ? Was he going to come for her ? How would he even find her ? What had Henry done to him ? Told him ? What was he going to do to her ? When would he get here ? Where was she ? This wasn 't the house she 'd shared with Henry for eighteen years . Cassie gasped as she saw something move in the window . She blinked , sure she had to have imagined it . Maybe this was how losing her mind started . Seeing things that weren 't really there , that couldn 't be there . But , the face was still there . She blinked again and recognized it . She couldn 't remember his name , but she knew she 'd seen him talking to Grady out at the clubhouse . What was it they called him ? " Wraith , " she breathed out the name as it came to her . Then , the window was sliding up , and he somehow made it inside . She didn 't know how . She wasn 't even sure she could have fit through it . " You came , " she said on a sob . " You all came for me . " He smiled slightly but put a finger over his lips . " Icarus is losing his mind , " he said , his voice barely even a whisper . " There is no way he wouldn 't come for you . But , Hawk and I are only here for surveillance . We had to find where you were before the rest could come . But , they will come . You just have to hold out a little longer . " " Morning most likely . By the time Hawk and I get back and we hammer out a plan . But , we will be back for you . " He went still then pushed to his feet . " Morning , " he said again then nearly slithered out of the window , closing it again behind him . A light feeling washed through her . She could make it through one night . Then , Grady would be here . He 'd take her away from this . She wouldn 't have to suffer through that life again . Then , she heard footsteps in the hall outside the door , and it nearly drowned out all that hope . " One night , " she whispered . " You can get through just one night . " But once the door opened , Henry stepped through the room , and she wasn 't so sure about that any more . He sneered at her . " What a man you got for yourself , Cassandra . He hasn 't even tried to come after you . " She held on to what Wraith had told her . And didn 't let Henry 's words dig in under her skin . Instead she held her head high . " You won 't get away with this . Not this time . " He laughed . " I aleady have . I told him if anything happens to me , they 'll know just who to throw into the most secure cell possible . He 's not going to risk it . Not for you . " " I 'm not a kid anymore , Henry . I don 't believe every word you say , or that you 're trying to protect me . I believed it once , and you treated me worse than he ever could have . You won 't make me believe it again . He 'll be here . And you 'll be the one going down . " " You just keep believing that . You 'll figure out the truth eventually . And you 'll come crawling on your knees for my forgiveness . " He paused for a moment , a wicked light coming into his eyes . " I might just grant it . If you beg enough . " " Don 't worry , sweet Cassandra , I don 't plan to . Like I said , not until you come crawling on your knees to me . But I figured even you would appreciate a soft place to sleep for the night . Tomorrow you can start working on that forgiveness . " She held her tongue as Henry 's two men lifted her from the floor and dragged her over to the mattress , laughing as they just dropped a thin blanket over her . They didn 't even free her arms . So , she doubted she 'd get any sleep anyway . But , that didn 't matter . If Henry did leave her alone , she would be fine . Grady would be here in the morning . Wow , I didn 't think I could hate Henry even more , but I achieved it with this one . Will Wraith come back with the other Riders in time ? Why couldn 't hey just take her away now ? Icarus walked down the stairs , feeling about twice his true age . He hadn 't been able to clear his head . But , he knew he couldn 't waste a lot of time wallowing in his guilt and fear . They had to get Cassie back , and burying his head wouldn 't help accomplish that . Birdie waited for him at the bottom of the stairs , and he could see the concern pinching her face . She was too young to be looking at him like that . It should be the other way around . " Where 's Trace ? " he asked in an attempt to get the attention off him . The two of them were usually attached at the hip when they were at the clubhouse . " Chief wanted to talk to him . About what happened when you were there . I don 't need to be told when I shouldn 't be litening in . It 's club business . " He studied her face , but other than gnwing at her lip , she didn 't show any sign of that being a problem . Still he had to be sure . If he did decide to quit , he wanted to know whether she 'd feel she needed to stay or not . She shrugged one shoulder . " It is what it is . I 'm more concerned with the bruise on his cheek , and the fact he winced when I hugged him . " In the chaos of realizing Cassie had been taken , he 'd almost forgotten about Trace falling . " He had the wind knocked out of him . I don 't think it was much worse than that . " Icarus ' lips twitched up at that . That was his girl , fiery to the last . " Never change , " he murmured , putting an arm around her shoulders . " I don 't plan to , " she said , kissing his cheek . " I 'm going to wait for Trace up in my room . You 'll get her back , Dad . I know you 'll do everything to make sure that happens . " " I can 't let her go again , " he said . " Especially when she didn 't want to go this time either . And this time there 's more I can do about it . " Birdie gave him another hug then went up the stairs and disappeared into her room . He felt a little steadier as he headed out of the house and saw Trace leaving Chief 's side . Before he reached him , the president called two of the other lingering men to him . Wraith and Hawk . He didn 't hear what Chief told them , but they both nodded and headed back for their bikes . He could imagine what orders Chief had given them , as they both had a strength with surveillance . And Wraith had always seemed to have an uncanny ability in finding people . Even more so than Hawk . They 'd make a good team for this . Icarus just wished he was going along . He wouldn 't be leaving without Cassie if they found where she was being kept , though . And he was sure Chief didn 't think that was the best way to go about it . He just wanted to get her back . The older man let out a sound halfway between a snort and a laugh . " If that was you losing it , I 'd like to have you at my side in a crisis . The woman you love was taken from you . I get it . I 've never told you about Eric 's mother , but trust me when I say I get it . And I wasn 't able to get her back . Are you feeling better now at least ? " Icarus had never known much about Bull 's mother , except that she 'd died when he was younger . But , even Chief 's vague explanation told him quite a bit . He didn 't really need to know more . And he stll had to answer Chief 's question . " Better ? No . But , my head 's a little straighter . " " You 're not going to keep me out of this . I 'm going to get my vengeance , sir . You won 't keep me from that . " " We 've never been about vengeance , Grady . " Icarus knew the older man meant business when he used his real name . " It 's always been justice . That 's not going to change now . " Icarus stared at his phone even after he 'd ended the call with Chief . He couldn 't do anything else . He felt some of the men gather around him , but he couldn 't even make himself look up . Icarus wasn 't even sure he understood it . Actually , he did . Only too well . " He sent men after your mom , " Icarus said , his voice dull . " Chief didn 't give me all the details . We 'll talk about it when we get back to the clubhouse . But , he has her . I failed her . " That 's what he understood best of all . Icarus forced himself to meet his son 's eyes . " I do . But , there 's nothing we can do right now . We have to figure out what happened and how we 're going to get her back . I won 't stop until we do , though . " But , he could barely focus on the road in front of him as they headed back toward the clubhouse . All he could remember was the look on Cassie 's face as he got ready to ride away . The fear . That 's what had stood out the most . That he wouldn 't come back to her , that he 'd fail . Well , those fears had been realized , hadn 't they ? He 'd failed her . Icarus slapped his palm against the handlebar as they stopped at a light . It didn 't help diffuse any of the emotion surging through him . Yet , he did it twice more before Bull glanced over at him and shook his head . He knew it didn 't do any good . When they pulled into the yard , Chief stood on the porch as if he 'd been waiting for them . He probably had been . Barbie stood beside him . As they started climbing from the bikes , she hurried down into the yard toward Bull . Except she came right to him instead of her husband . " I 'm so sorry , Grady , " she said , her arms wrapping tight around him . " So , so sorry . " " It 's not your fault , " he told her but glanced over her head at Bull . As if he could explain it . But , his friend only shook his head . He felt Bull stiffen next to him . " What are you talking about , Barb ? You promised me you wouldn 't take any risks right now . How could you have stopped anything without breaking that promise to me ? " Chief walked down to meet them . " She went on her walk , Eric , " Chief said . " They grabbed her then . And drove up here shortly after you left . Cassie and Raven were still on the porch . " That last part struck Icarus as odd , but Chief was already continuing . " They threatened Barb . If we didn 't send Cassie out , he 'd shoot Barb right there . " His lip twitched slightly , but Icarus didn 't see anything funny in the situation . " He thought she was my old lady . Didn 't realize she 's even more important than that to me . Because she 's yours , " he said , looking at Bull . " But , I wasn 't going to hand Cassie over . Because she 's yours , " he said , nodding at Icarus . " And both of you are mine . " Barbie set her hand on Bull 's chest . " I think she figured it out , " she said then reached out for Icarus ' hand and placed it on her stomach . " She wouldn 't let me , us , be sacrificed . " Icarus looked up into her face then and realized why she and Bull had been acting odd the last couple weeks . " A baby . You 're having the first baby of the club . " " I tried to stop her , " Chief said . " I couldn 't fail you like that . But , she took the impossible choice out of my hands , Grady . I 'm so sorry . " " It 's not your fault , " he said , choking on the words . " It 's not any of your fault . " He made sure to take Barbie in with that . " Henry sent those men here and ordered them to take her . And I 'd have never forgiven myself if you 'd been hurt , " he told her . " But , now we have to figure out how we 're going to get her back . Because I won 't leave her in that hell a second time . " He turned away . " I need a few minutes then we 'll meet to discuss this . " Cassie felt like her feet were glued to the porch . What was happening ? She was supposed to be safe here . Grady had promised her she would be . They shouldn 't have been able to find her . But that was definitely Jake driving that SUV up the drive . She 'd always felt a little uneasy when he 'd come by the house to see Henry . Jake was probably only too glad to do Henry 's bidding . " You won 't , " Chief said , stepping up behind her and putting a large strong hand on her shoulder . " Go in the house . I 'll take care of this . " Looking closer , cassie saw Barbie was exactly who had stumbled out of the SUV first . " No , " she gasped , taking a step forward . She couldn 't let Barbie be used against her . " I know , " Chief said gruffly . " I know , Cassie , but it 's my job to protect you today . I can 't fail . " She wanted to argue with him about that . She wasn 't any more important than Barbie was . Barbie had been a part of this group from the beginning . And a part of all their lives longer than that . It would devastate just about everyone in this club if something happened to Barbie . Whereas Cassie really only meant something to Grady and Trace . " She doesn 't like to watch the men leave . Especially lately . So , she says good - bye to Bull and goes for a walk . They 'd have seen her from the other side of the property . " Cassie didn 't know why the ' especially lately ' part was significant , except that Bull had been acting more protective of her lately . So , she wondered . " You have to let me go , Chief . I won 't forgive myself if she gives her freedom or life for mine . " Or , if Cassie was correct , her baby 's life . " You have to let me go . " " This is an impossible choice , " he said , and she could hear the battle in his voice . " I think of Grady as much of a son as Eric . And you 're his . I can 't choose one of you for the other . " " I know that 's not what your boss sent you here for . He wants her alive . But , I 'm not sending her back to that hell . There 's no way . " They didn 't even know . Cassie doubted they cared who Barbie was really with . It was all the same to them . And she wouldn 't be able to live with it . " Don 't , " she said , jerking away from Chief 's hand . " Don 't hurt her . I 'll go with you . " Chief choked out her name , and she knew what he was thinking . But , she couldn 't let that stop her . She kept her shoulders straight and her head up as she headed toward Jake . She might be quaking inside , but she wasn 't going to show them her fear . Barbie glanced up at her as she approached . " Don 't do this , " she said . " It will kill him . " If she survived this . Because she knew Grady wouldn 't rest this time until he knew she was safe . She just had to hold on until then .

At age 27 , living alone , friendless , and still dependent on his parents ' financial support , Brian had already accepted that he was what most people would call a " loser " . In slightly better social standing than some of the other losers in his age range , he had at least completed high school , gotten out of his parents ' basement , and had some form of income other than his parents ' bank account . Still , the meager earnings he got through various sites for trivial tasks and occasional art commissions were hardly paying the bills . His parents still paid more than half his monthly expenses . Looking for a " real job " , as his parents put it , was an obstacle he hadn 't managed to overcome . The prospect of going through the interview process still terrified him . Social interactions in general had long sent him fleeing for cover . It was bad when he was a teenager , but he had managed to maintain some friendships back then with other boys who had similar issues and interests . When he reached adulthood and found college too daunting , he hid even deeper inside himself . His current living situation was his parents ' last - ditch effort to push him towards adulthood . They were still mostly supporting him , but he now had to budget the money he was getting on bills and take care of his own problems . It didn 't go how they had hoped . He had arranged for most of what he needed to be delivered straight to his house , and bills were paid automatically . He rarely ventured outside of his apartment . Comfort came when they settled for less ; at least he could manage that most on his own . All social interaction was on the computer . Since any money he made was through the internet , he had convinced his parents to buy him a high - end computer and tablet . Though he had ulterior motives when he had initially made that request - - wanting to play games at higher settings . The weight of that decision sat between his guilt and self - loathing . Games and TV shows weren 't giving him the same satisfaction anymore . Requests for commissions sat unanswered in his inboxThis contradictory desire of wanting isolation and wanting people near was something he couldn 't comprehend about himself . The underlying reason was always just out of his grasp . In his effort to conform to his escapist groups , he took their reasons as truth to put the inconsistency to rest . With them , he could be at ease , surely . With people who weren 't " normal " , those unwanted experiences wouldn 't happen . Sitting alone in his apartment , he shut down his computer and went out to the balcony . With so much time lost , reality was creeping in . He willingly drank the same poison simply because the label was different . Now , he was paying the consequences for it . But where was he supposed to go ? Locking himself away like this didn 't make him any happier than anything else he had tried . Why couldn 't he just be normal and content like all the people outside ? In his youth , he had blamed that on the general population being less intelligent than himself , but now he wondered if he was left out of some special knowledge all this time . What was the missing ingredient ? He stared up at the night sky . Jokingly , he spoke to the stars . " Do you know the answer ? Of course not . This is just how I am . " He turned to go back inside , but stopped in the door frame . He glanced back at the glittering lights above him . It was childish , he knew , but so was most of what he did . " Still , I wish I could be normal too . " The sky lit up hot white . The light was so bright he had to shield his eyes . Panicked , he froze as the bright light came directly toward him . In a matter of seconds , the burning ball of light crash landed directly in front of him . His heart pounded in his ears as his arms hung awkwardly in the air . Before him , the burning light faded to reveal a dark blue pod . The material was strange , almost sparkling . Cautiously , he kneeled down to touch it . The texture felt like a stringy , hardened silk . It reminded him of a cocoon . He couldn 't contain his curiosity at the bizarre structure before him . His fingers dug into the outer shell and cracked open a portion of the center . A dark blue liquid oozed out in a gloppy mess . Almost instantly , the dark blue liquid started to glow with specks of light blueish - white . He wiped the liquid off his hands , but it stained his skin blue . It reminded him of glitter glue he had played with in elementary school . It was so ridiculous it was more amusing to him than alarming . " I must be dreaming . " He reasoned there was no other explanation for the weirdness of it all . Thinking nothing of it , he sank his hands deep into the center of the large pod . Something soft made contact with him . He took hold of it and pulled it out . When the liquid dripped off , he let go . Taking a deep breath , he pulled apart the rest of the pod , expecting some sort of stereotypical movie alien attack to follow . Instead , a naked man curled up in a fetal position laid unconscious in the middle of the bits of strange silk and goo . The man did not move . He turned his attention to the rest of the mess before him . Several black orbs lay scattered about in the mess . He picked up one and pulled it apart . Unlike the pod , the inside was solid , more like a hardened rubber than slime . In the center of the orb , there was what looked like an ID . He pulled it out and flipped it over . A state issued ID that expired next month with a picture of a young man . He wiped away some of the blue liquid from the unconscious man 's face . The man in the photo looked identical to the stranger before him . " What the hell ? " The unconscious man coughed and writhed on the ground . The man was struggling to breathe . He coughed up some of the liquid , but laying on his side , the man couldn 't spit it out completely . This wasn 't a dream . Quickly , he rolled the man over to help him . The man kept coughing and gasping for a while . When he stopped , the man looked over . There was a desperate and sad look in his eyes , but he didn 't utter a word . " Oh , right . You 're probably freezing . Here , let me get you inside . " Brian helped the man into the apartment . " Uh , bathroom first . We need to get whatever this . . . stuff . . . is off . " The man stared blankly at him . " Uh . . . I guess I 'll have to help you . Stand right here , okay ? " He pointed to inside the shower . The man did as instructed , confirming for Brian that he at least understood what he was saying . His shower had a detachable head . He turned on the water . " Stay still . I 'll wash you off . " After the shower , the man looked drowsy . Brian let him sleep in his bed while he went to further investigate the mess on his balcony . He collected a sample of the pod , the opened orb , and the blue slime into bags . That left the remaining orbs to go through . Inside each one , there was some sort of personal belonging or information piece . A birth certificate , a social security card , school records , a set of clothes , a wallet , and a journal . Aside from the clothes , everything had the name " Connor " on it . He laughed to himself . " Someone sent you here with everything you 'd need , huh ? Surprised it doesn 't say Clark . Though Connor 's pretty amusing too . " He carried the belongings inside and went to check on the stranger . The man was fast asleep . He looked over him again , searching for any abnormalities or clues about where he came from . Everything was ordinary , except in one location . Both of the man 's wrists bore huge scar marks . Brian felt over the mark . The scar was deep and long . " Tried to kill yourself ? " There was still the paperwork to go on , but he was already suspicious if any information on it was accurate . Turning his computer back on , he quickly went to work looking up all the information on the ID and records . To his surprise , he was able to find plenty on this " Connor " person , though every lead stopped exactly two years ago . " Connor " appeared to have graduated from college years ago and was studying Ecology in grad school when he quit for some reason about two years in . He could find his name attached to various jobs after that , mostly part - time positions . Records suggested he was born in the capital city , and attended college in the same general area . He even lived in this city during that time and the time following the point where the school records ended . Finding information on his parents and likely relatives was more difficult . He was getting practically nowhere with that . Brian pulled out the journal . It wasn 't a typical journal of daily events . Entries were about what he presumed must have been what the man was researching in school . He didn 't really understand the topic , so most of it was gibberish to him . By this point , it was late into the night and he was exhausted . He didn 't want to sleep after all that had happened , but his body was stronger than his will power , and he fell asleep at his desk . In the morning , he woke up to someone rummaging through his kitchen . Dazed , it took him a moment to realize what was going on . Brian quickly got up from the couch and rushed over to the kitchen area . " What are you doing ? " " What do you think I 'm doing ? I 'm hungry . " Connor , who had dressed himself , slammed the fridge door and went through the cabinets . " Do you have anything here that isn 't junk food ? " " According to those papers , apparently my name is Connor . Given what you were researching on your computer , you already know that . " Connor 's expression was blank . " That hurts , you know . " Connor tried to get away . " I don 't know any more than you do , so you can get rid of those conspiracy theory ideas you 've got in your head . " " What ? Don 't screw with me . You 're telling me you have no idea how you got here or who you are ? " " Not a clue . I don 't remember anything . Just that it was dark before , and I was floating . " Connor managed to get free . He went back to rummaging through the kitchen . " Seriously ? You have like three boxes of ramen noodle cups ? ! " Brian shut the cabinets closed , embarrassed by the items inside . " For someone who can 't remember anything , why do you know what that is ? " " I don 't know , but I know it 's junk food . I can remember that . Just not memories about me . " He sat down at the kitchen table and opened up the yellow pages book sitting by the phone . " Where 's the nearest grocery store ? Let 's get some real food . " Brian sat across from him , glaring . " Hold on . You can 't just fall from the sky , start going through my crap , and then making demands without giving me any answers . " " I can 't give you what I don 't have . " He flipped through the book casually . " If you don 't want to take me , just direct me to one . I know how to get food for free . I 'll go by myself . Besides , I can 't stand being inside . " " Many grocery stores will give away food that 's past its sell by date that 's not expired yet if you ask for it . There 's a few churches nearby , it seems . They 'd give me free food too . " Brian was growing more suspicious with every word . Connor looked up at Brian . " I know you don 't want to help me . I 'm grateful that you helped me last night , but I think you and I both know that you 're not really capable of dealing with this . . . whatever it is . I 'll take my things and leave . You don 't need to worry about me burdening you any further . I just wanted to eat something before I set out . " Brian had already accepted that he was a loser , but to hear this stranger who didn 't even know who he was call him one pissed him off . Something in that matter - of - fact way Connor spoke made him want to prove him wrong . " You want to go to the store , huh ? I can take you there . I 'm not a child . You can keep your assumptions to yourself . Now , let 's go . " Before Brian knew it , he was outside amongst the busy city crowd . Connor stood directly behind him . Brian hesitated to go forward . Anxiety seeped into his mind and his heart drummed in his ears . Connor whispered . " Something wrong ? " " No . " It took everything in him to not retreat back to the safety of his apartment . Somehow , he managed to get to the grocery store . Every customer and employee seemed to be staring at him . He kept his eyes on the floor . " Get whatever you were going to get . " Connor quietly picked out food . Brian paid little attention to what he was putting in the cart , focusing only on each footstep . Time slowed around him . He didn 't remember going inside a store being so terrifying before . Was it because it 'd been so long since he had gone out anywhere ? He couldn 't remember anymore . Outside was worthless . That 's what he 'd convinced himself . Memories of it were pushed as far away as possible . " You 're paying , right ? " Connor asked . " Thanks . " Connor laughed . " I probably should have asked you that before we got in line , but you didn 't say anything when I did so I figured . . . " When it came their turn to check out , Brian fumbled through the interaction . He couldn 't respond to the cashier 's greetings or small talk . Connor effortlessly managed in spite of his condition . When the total was given , Brian handed the money over , his hands shaking . Connor responded to the cashier 's words and escorted Brian out of the store . " Your social anxiety 's really bad . Are you seeing a doctor ? " Connor asked in a low voice . " Huh ? Doctor ? It 's just the way I am . I 'm not like those kind of people like you are . " Brian responded coldly . " Even if that 's how you are , it doesn 't mean you have to stay like that . Cooping yourself up inside your apartment all day is definitely not going to help you any . " Brian walked faster . " You sound just like my parents . None of you understand what it 's like . I can 't be that way . " Connor caught up with him . " I didn 't say you need to . Besides , you 're doing fine interacting with me right now . Maybe it 's not as innate as you think it is . " Brian had no response for that . He simply kept quiet the rest of the way home . Connor wasted no time in preparing breakfast . Whoever he was , he was clearly very experienced with cooking . Brian watched him in envy . The best he could manage in the kitchen was cooking a frozen pizza and putting a sub sandwich together . He talks to people so easily and he can manage stuff like this like it 's nothing . . . yep , he 's definitely one of the normal people . Connor handed Brian a plate . " Here . For helping me . " " Yes , I did . I 'm indebted to you again . Besides , it felt right . " Aside from his parents , no one had ever cooked food for him like this . It 'd been years in general since he 'd eaten anything that wasn 't quickly made or delivered . He doesn 't belong in my company . Connor smiled . " How is it ? I can 't remember learning to cook , but the recipe and motions just came to me . How 'd I do ? " " You really think so ? " Connor said . " I was thinking I need to explore the city a little more before looking for a job . I don 't know much about this place or why I 'm here , but I can 't just expect you to do everything for me forever . In the meantime , it would be convenient if I could stay here . I 'll clean the house and cook for you . Of course , if you want me to leave , I 've already looked up the address of the nearest homeless shelter . " " You don 't need to do that . It 's . . . fine . I kind of want to know more . I mean , it 's not every day a person lands on your balcony . " It was strange , but this new interruption in his life was taking his mind off things . He didn 't know how long he would be able to deal with a normal person living in his apartment , but someone who drops in from the sky with no memories can 't be completely normal either . He mused to himself , I could probably use more real food in my diet . And I do hate cleaning . . . " Thank you . I can 't promise I can ever give you those answers , but I want to know too . Sorry about being so pushy with you earlier . It really isn 't my place to be so demanding , but waking up in this sort of living space . . . I don 't like unorganized spaces . I 'm not trying to be rude about that either . It is your house , but it 's just something that really bothers me . " Brian hadn 't expected the apology . All he could manage was , " It 's fine . " Connor rubbed his chin , seemingly deep in thought . " I 'm not sure what I should do now . I don 't even know where to start . I have the strangest feeling that my memories will come back in time . It 's like they 're there in my mind , but they 're just far away enough I can 't reach them . Have you ever felt something like that ? Something you can 't catch hold of ? " His mind went back to that old question of his . " Yeah , I have . I guess all you can do is wait and hope it comes back then . " " For now , I think I 'll try to live normally . Until I get a real job , consider me your live - in housekeeper . " There was that word again . Normal . Brian thought of his wish . How is this supposed to make me normal ? All I feel is even more inferior compared to him . Living with Connor was easier than he thought it would be . Connor was on top of all the chores Brian had neglected for years , and Brian had begun to see eating as something to look forward to instead of a way to kill time . Connor spent a lot of time on the balcony , especially at night . He went out when he finished with chores often , but Brian didn 't ask where . Brian assumed he must be out exploring the city . When he would return , he always looked re - energized . Brian figured being around people must have the exact opposite effect it had on him . With Connor around and the house clean , he felt obligated to get some work done himself . Commissions went quicker than he expected . Discussion replies were left untouched . Whenever he saw them in his inbox , he winced a little . He decided to continue to ignore those for the time being . The sudden spree of work completed meant that his bank account had more money coming in than usual , and cooking had decreased the food bill per person , but there was still now two people to feed . Utilities were also slightly higher . He was going to need more money if Connor stayed long term . The first thought that came into his head was to ask his parents for money . Sighing , he was annoyed with himself for thinking that . He already felt bad enough for taking the money they were already giving him , and he knew he would have to give them a reason why he suddenly needed more . There was no way he could say " Sorry , a person dropped from space and now they 're living with me for free , can I have an extra couple hundred every month ? " It was ridiculous enough to recall the event itself happening . The alternative was obvious . He needed to get another job . With his few skills , he had already exhausted the possible options online . A job outside . . . doing an interview . . . I can 't do that . He wasn 't a normal person . He repeated it to himself , but it wasn 't coming off as a convincing excuse anymore . To distract himself , he looked at the samples he had collected that first night . Rain had long washed away what was left on his balcony , but he still had those bags as proof it really happened . Brian wanted to get the samples analyzed , but he had no idea where to begin with that process or how much it would cost him . The dark blue liquid had lost its pretty white - blue specks and started to harden much like the orbs . " Who am I kidding ? I 'm no Mulder . " He put the samples away and sighed . That night , Connor came home with a job application . He filled it out while cooking . " Are you sure you 're ready for that ? Don 't you think you need more time ? " This would solve their financial issues , but Brian was nervous just looking at the paperwork . " It 'll be fine . I 've already spoken to the manager . They said I don 't need any prior experience , and they 'll do plenty of training before I start . " Connor 's face was lit up with excitement . He looked perfectly at ease . Three days later , Connor had an interview and got a job at a local cafe . Brian expected Connor to eventually ask him about what he did for a living and where his money was coming from , but Connor said nothing . His silence , Brian presumed , meant he must have already pieced together the general gist of it . Ashamed at his own cowardice , he sulked for a few hours . When Connor left the house for work , Brian worked on a resume . The information was pathetic to look at . A heavy amount of shame weighed on him at how little was there and how close he was to thirty . To send this to anyone was likely pointless . Fighting through his embarrassment , he did it anyway . Before the week was out , he too had a job interview . He said nothing about this to Connor , despite knowing he would likely help him out like he always did . He needed to do this alone . The first interview was a complete failure . He was so terrified he could barely speak . The second one was as bad , and the third . He said nothing of it . The fourth time around , he did better , and to his surprise and terror , he landed a job himself . Brian planned on announcing the news at dinner , but Connor had some news of his own . " I remembered something . " He grinned . " Well , it 's not a huge memory or anything . But , I remembered I worked in a cafe before once . I think I worked there for a long time . When I was working the other day , it just sort of flashed in my head . I could remember the faces of the other employees and my boss . . . what the place looked like . . . smelled like . . . It was like I was really there again . " Connor was practically glowing with excitement . " That 's great ! Maybe more memories will start coming back . " Brian cleared his throat , his face red . " I also have news . I got a job stocking at that grocery store down the road . " " I wanted to keep it a secret . " Brian 's face turned a deeper red . He kept his eyes on the table , his embarrassment half filled with shame and half another emotion he couldn 't name . " I have to admit I am surprised , but that 's great . You should get out more anyway . " Connor put his hand on Brian 's . " Speaking of work , there is something else I wanted to talk to you about . I 've been staying here for free for a while now . I want to start paying for some of the expenses . I don 't know how much they are , but I 'll give you what I can . " " Whenever you 're ready . " Connor looked lost in thought for a moment . " Oh , hey , do you want to go to the library or bookstore any time soon ? I wanted to find some books to read . I already read all of your graphic novels and comic books . . . sorry , I didn 't really ask , but I thought you wouldn 't mind . " " You read all of them ? ! When ? " Brian had amassed a pretty large collection over time . Connor always seemed so busy doing things . Besides , normal people didn 't read things like that . They only watched the movies . " Oh , here and there . I read really fast . " Connor got up from the table to wash his plate . " Why don 't we go out tonight ? The city library is still open at this hour . " Brian didn 't know why he suggested it , but the whole day was already weird . He might as well just roll with it . Connor 's face filled with excitement . " You really want to go ? Alright , let 's do it . I 'll clean up when we get back . " Somehow , Connor had managed to get him to go out even more places . He had to admit , all of it was nerve - racking every time , but he really wanted to please Connor right then . The anxiety would certainly come , but he didn 't care that it would . Being like this reminded him of the times when he was in high school and still had friends . When they would go to cons , there was a mix of dread and excitement . That added element of excitement made the overall fear of the social situation tolerable enough for him to still mostly enjoy himself . He hadn 't been inside the city library before , or any library outside of school ones . Their first few minutes were spent setting up library cards . The next half hour after that had little to do with finding books and more the two of them goofing off on each floor . Brian always bought whatever he wanted to read , and his interests were very limited . He didn 't really know what to pick out for himself in a big place like this . Connor was already carrying several books in his hands . Watching him , Brian assumed Connor was the sort of person who would be satisfied with anything he could get his hands on so long as he had something to read . Brian laughed to himself . Are you some kind of book nerd ? So you 're really not completely normal . On the top floor , Connor started to act strange . He immediately went over to a large window at the back of the building . The moon shone down through it directly onto one of the tables . Connor stood before the table , completely still , and then he fell backwards . Brian caught him from behind , but lost his balance in the process , and they both ended up on the floor . " What the hell ? Are you okay ? " " I used to do some kind of work here . I would sit at that table because I . . . I got a good view of the stars and something else . . . can 't remember what . . . I don 't think those were bad memories . But it felt really . . . intense ? I feel strange . . . even though what I saw wasn 't anything bad , somehow , I still feel . . . " Connor was still slightly shaking . " Let 's go ahead and check out these books . Then we can go home . " Brian picked up the scattered books around them and helped Connor up . " Yeah . . . I 'm sorry . I don 't know what happened . " Brian stayed close by Connor the rest of the time they were out . When they left the library , Connor 's mood improved . Tonight was the first time the two of them had gone anywhere together aside from that first day . He hadn 't noticed it on the way there , mostly because he was slightly freaked out himself , but Connor 's gaze was always above them . Wherever there were lights , he smiled . So , it 's not people that energize you . It 's them . Brian asked , " You like the city lights ? " " Yeah , they 're really beautiful . When you look at them from down here , it 's like the city lights become one with the stars . Like rivers merging with the ocean . It reminds me of something , but I can 't place it . . . " Connor blushed . " I 'm rambling , aren 't I ? Why don 't we do something you want when we get back ? You have a lot of movies . Do you want to watch one together ? " " Anything 's fine with me . " Back at the apartment , Brian ended up picking out what he deemed a " safe " movie that was popular among mainstream audiences . It wasn 't a particular favorite of his , but he wasn 't planning on focusing on the movie too much . About halfway through , Connor fell asleep beside him . He cut the movie off and let him sleep on the sofa . He must be tired from earlier . Quietly , he cleaned the dishes and put away the leftovers . Since they were both working now , there was no reason for Connor to do all the chores . It was long past time for him to be doing chores properly anyway . What the hell was wrong with me all that time ? I 'm not a kid . What was I thinking ? Working wasn 't as bad as he expected . His job didn 't require very much public interaction , and the other people working alongside him mostly kept to themselves . This meant less time was available for doing commission work , but he didn 't really mind . He was growing tired of doing that work anyway . He used to love it more when he was younger . Fanart was a fun way for him to express his love for a work , and commissions meant getting paid for doing something fun . Much like the conversation threads he was following , it had gotten boring to him , and he didn 't like doing all the commissions . Some requests irked him , but he needed the money and did them anyway . At other times , he knew he was just going through the motions to get it done . He wanted to create something on his own terms , with his own ideas . He had plenty of scenarios in his head , but he had spent so much time in that kind of area , it only came out filtered through other people 's works . That wasn 't satisfying him anymore . There 's nothing I can do about that . He put the thoughts away . After getting his first paycheck , he closed his commissions page . The money he made from working at the grocery store was already much more than what he was getting through that , and with Connor 's paycheck , all their bills were covered . He thought he would regret shutting it down , especially without any advanced warning , but he was relieved . It wasn 't as if he left someone 's paid request unfinished , and none of it was ever tied to his real name . He laughed at himself . Is this becoming normal ? I 'm still not satisfied . After work , he would clean up around the house and waited for Connor to come home . He got online occasionally , but his inbox was still a danger zone . Online discussions didn 't hold his attention anymore . He found himself more often at sites for media services to find something entertaining to do with Connor . When Connor got home , he would start cooking dinner and they would discuss their days at work together . It was simple , and overall , not very exciting , but somehow he wasn 't as anxious . Connor eventually worked himself up to try going to the library again . This time , nothing strange happened , and visiting on the weekends became a common occurrence for them . Brian started to appreciate the night air and the stars above them . On their long walks back and forth from the library , when the two of them talked and stared up at the stars , it was as if all people around them ceased to exist . There was still a major issue weighing on his mind . He needed to talk to his parents about the money . He hadn 't spent any of it since he got his new job , and planned on giving it back , but talking to them about it was difficult . He knew they would be happy he got a job . Explaining why that all happened , and worse , why someone was suddenly living with him . . . he didn 't want to go down that awkward road . Like everything else he had gone through , it needed to be completed . He picked out a specific day to call them , one of his off days . When the day came , he spent most of it messing around on his computer and avoiding the issue . What he needed to do never left his mind no matter how he tried to bury it . Since his former internet hangouts were just as anxiety causing as what he was avoiding , he settled on managing his computer files to pretend he had something to do . Connor also had the day off , and ended up reading beside him on the sofa . Brian hadn 't thought about keeping what he was doing on his laptop private , and didn 't notice Connor occasionally sneaking peaks at what he was doing . When he got to his completed commissions folder , he paused . He wasn 't sure how to handle it . He was still proud of how much artwork he had done and how his skills had improved over time , but he didn 't like what he mentally associated most of his work with . Connor leaned up against him . " This is your work , right ? " " You really love art . " " It 's just a hobby . " He shrugged . " But the shows and movies you own , they 're mostly animated , aren 't they ? Your bookshelves are filled with comic books . It seems to me there 's a very specific type of art you like . Why don 't you become an animator ? Or a comic book artist ? You 're really talented . " Connor 's words were kind , but mostly naive . " I 'm not that good , besides , it takes a lot more than talent to get into that sort of thing and be successful . There 's a lot of BS you have to put up with too . " Brian had considered that idea when he was a very young teen , but the more he looked into both industries , the more he knew he couldn 't make it . He wasn 't social enough for that sort of thing . He was still barely able to hold long conversations with people at work . " I 'm sure you could make it . " " No way . You know I suck at social stuff . You really think someone like me could network and make connections with important people ? I 'd get stepped on and eaten alive . " He sighed . " I don 't think you 're anywhere near your actual limit . You just haven 't been pushed to find out where that is . " " You 're way too optimistic . " He closed out the window . " That could be , but I still think you could do it if you really wanted it . You 're not as bad at things as you tell yourself you are . " Connor smiled and returned to reading his book . The physical distance between them wasn 't there anymore . Brian had to admit he found this sort of arrangement comfortable . Later on , he finally worked up the courage to call his parents about the money . Nervously , he dialed his parents number . His mom answered the phone . He got straight to the point . " Hey Mom , we need to talk about something . " " Yeah . . . I 'm fine . " His heartbeat pounded in his ears . " Are you sure ? You don 't need some help with something ? " " No , actually , this is sort of about that . Recently , I got a job and I can afford my bills on my own now . You can stop sending me money every month . " He hoped this would be all he needed to explain , but he knew she would definitely ask him for more details . " You what ? ! " Her reaction was almost comical . " I got a job . " " Are you . . . it 's not something shady , is it ? " He winced at her words . God , she probably thinks I 'm a drug dealer . . . " I can 't believe this . Your father will be so surprised when I tell him . Oh , why don 't we come visit you ? It 's been so long since the last time I saw you . And you never send me pictures like I asked . " He cringed . As if I could send you photos . What would they be of ? My dirty , empty apartment ? " Sorry about that . You know I don 't really like taking photos . Uh , I 'm free Wednesday . Is that date okay for you ? " " You too . Bye ! " He let out a deep sigh . It was done , but somehow his mother had wormed her way into visiting . This was going to make matters more complicated . Now he had no choice but to think up an excuse for why Connor was there . Connor had gone out earlier and come back . He noticed Brian 's agitation . " Something up ? " " I 'm sure they 'd love to meet you too . I just hope they don 't say any embarrassing stuff . " He was sure his parents would make a point to show how much of a loser he was at every chance they got . " Speaking of family , you haven 't tried contacting yours , have you ? Don 't you want to get in contact with your family ? " " I don 't want to see them . " Connor yelled . He paused after he spoke and looked away . He switched back to his earlier , chipper tone . " Is it alright if I cook them dinner too ? Your parents , I mean . I 'm not trying to be a show off , but . . . okay , I want to show off . " Brian decided to let the issue go . He didn 't like talking about his parents himself . " Heh , sure . I 'm sure they 'll love whatever you cook . I always do . " " Thanks . " Connor sat down beside him . " Do you want to watch that show again tonight ? " After a trip to the library , they stopped by the store to pick up some snacks and rented a movie . Brian pointed out they could have rented one from the house , but Connor thought going to get it in person was more fun . They were already out , so there was no good reason not to indulge his wishes . The movie wasn 't something he would normally pick out himself . Connor always wanted to explore new things . To his surprise , Brian liked more of a range of movies than he thought he did . Some of the choices were complete misses for both of them , but he wouldn 't have tried even half of those titles by himself . When the movie ended , they spent a lot of time talking about trivial things . Connor fell asleep on the couch again . Before going to sleep , Brian got back on his computer . He glanced through the art and deleted most of it . Truly , there were only a few pieces he was really proud of , but he felt better about them now that the other pieces weren 't crowded around them . After that , he went through his inbox . Rereading through some of the threads he participated in , he was alarmed at how rude and reactionary everything was . Threads devoted entirely to making fun of people being overly reactionary were , ironically , equally reactionary over things that really didn 't matter to much of anyone outside those little social circles . He glanced through his own replies , and winced at how uptight he was about everything . Everything was black and white , good and bad , there was no in between . Some users in particular seemed to thrive off of just repeating other people and shouting . He rolled his eyes at himself for ever thinking so much of that nonsense mattered . He deleted the messages and closed out his accounts . Those weren 't real conversations , he told himself . He had more interesting , and less attention - seeking ones , with the other employees at work . He could now admit to himself he was using that as a crutch to avoid learning to socialize properly . It was clique bullshit , like something out of a bad 80 's high school movie . There were still some missing elements for him though . He didn 't see himself as quite like many of the other people around him either , despite this shift he was experiencing . Most of the other people around him still carried ridiculous ideas about things , though they expressed those ideas in a much calmer way and were also clearly using certain hobbies and interests as covers for what they lacked . And then the answer dawned on him . The differences between the two groups he had classified as " normal " and " not normal " wasn 't really there . Those were merely two different modes of avoidance , and two different means to covering up personal insecurities and failings . The difference in the chosen way to deal with it likely related to where that person was lacking . He wasn 't sure where that left him . Out of habit , his mind wanted to start reclassifying things , but he stopped himself . There was no point to those labels . He didn 't need to worry about what other people 's personal hang - ups were . Wednesday , his parents were visiting . That was what he needed to focus on now . Wednesday came quickly . His parents hadn 't visited in two years . They were both in shock at the apartment 's appearance . Not once in Brian 's entire life had he ever kept anything clean . That he had gotten a job on top of this out of the blue was unbelievable to them . His mother beamed . " Brian , it 's beautiful . I can 't believe this is the same place . " He scratched his head , slightly embarrassed . " Well , it 's not really my handiwork . My roommate really likes to keep things tidy . . . but I try not to make any big messes for him to clean up or anything like that . " " I take it you two are getting along well . " His father took a seat at the kitchen table . " Yeah , he 's really easy to get along with . He 's a really good cook too . " " Oh ? Do you two take turns cooking dinner ? " His mother sat down beside his dad . " Well , he 's usually the one who does it . . . but , he loves cooking . " Brian quickly added . He didn 't want to give off the impression that he was making Connor do all the work around the house . " You 're not taking advantage of him , are you ? " His mother shot him a suspicious glare . " No , of course not . He just likes doing stuff like that . " Connor walked through the door shortly after that . " I 'm back . Oh , are they already here ? " Brian gave a sigh of relief . He got up from the table and introduced them . " Welcome back . Mom , Dad , this is my roommate Connor . Connor , these are my parents . " " Nice to meet you . " His mom shook Connor 's hand . " It 's a pleasure to meet you . " Connor smiled . He looked over at the kitchen . " Are you two staying for dinner ? I usually cook , so I want to make sure there 's enough for everybody . " Connor worked quickly , choosing to make something simple for dinner . The table hadn 't been full like this before . Connor sat in between Brian and his mother . Brian 's parents were examining everything they could about his appearance , calculating up something in their heads . He couldn 't imagine what sorts of conclusions they were reaching . " How long have you known Brian ? " Brian 's father started off the expected interview . " Well , about as long as I 've lived here . " Connor wasn 't fazed by it , but he was never bothered in any social interaction . " Oh , so you didn 't know each other beforehand ? " His mother asked next . " No , not at all . Well , I mean , he was a little difficult to deal with at first , but that 's pretty normal when living with someone new initially , isn 't it ? " Connor kindly kept the details sparse . " You seem pretty close . Do you two hang out a lot ? " His mother continued . " Different places . I like going to the library a lot . I go through books like crazy . I think Brian likes it more when we stay at home though . " He wished Connor didn 't mention those details , even if they were normal . " He 's always been like that . " His parents said in unison , much to Brian 's annoyance . Brian threw up his hands in frustration . " You know , I 'm right here . You guys can 't just talk over me . " " Sorry . We got a little carried away . " His mother laughed . The laughter continued on through the meal . After dinner , Connor collected up the dishes and washed . He retired to bed early , mostly wanting to give Brian more time alone with his parents . The three of them moved to the living room to talk . " Your roommate is very nice . I like him . " His mother said . " Yes , he seems like a nice man . How did you two meet exactly ? " His father asked . " Uh , well . . . he really needed a place to stay and was asking around here . I figured since I have a lot of extra space , I could let him stay here and split the rent . " Brian had rehearsed that made - up story in his head all day , but he barely managed to not stutter through it . " Looks like he 's had quite the effect on you . I can 't believe you went out and got a job . I 'm so proud of you ! " His mother hugged him . He was too embarrassed to hug back . " Shouldn 't you be scolding me for that ? I should have done that a long time ago . . . " " It 's alright . We know you were working through some things . We wanted to give you plenty of space . " She patted him on the back . " I know that , but sometimes . . . I think you were too easy on me . Maybe I would have shaped up quicker if you punished me more . " Brian pulled away . " I 'm grateful that you two have given me so much support over the years , as unwarranted as it was , but it 's okay to stop now . I can do this on my own . So , please don 't send me anymore money . " " I know , but I have to do this on my own . " " We believe in you , son . " He gave Brian a confident smile . " Isn 't there one other thing you wanted to talk to us about too ? " His mother grinned . " Hmm ? What do you mean ? " Brian tilted his head . " Honey , you know you can tell us anything . We 'll always support you . " She held his hand . He didn 't know how to react . What the hell ? " Mom , what 's this about ? " " We 're not dating , I swear ! " He kept his voice low , remembering Connor was sleeping . " Really ? Then you must like him . You should ask him out . " His mother laughed . " I can 't do that ! " Brian raised his voice again without realizing it . " Why not ? From the way he was looking at you , I thought you two were already an item . " She nudged him . " I really doubt he likes me like that . He 's so perfect . " Brian sighed , comparing himself again . His parents both burst out laughing at him . His face burned . " Why are you both laughing at me ? " His father was nearly in tears from laughing so hard . " Because you haven 't realized you 've admitted you like him . " " What ? No , I . . . that can 't be . . . because . . . " Why are they being like this even over something like that ? They don 't care that he 's a guy either ? ! Brian chalked that up as yet another moment of his parents on - going inability to be anything other than completely gentle about everything . With this , he knew there was likely another factor influencing it . In all his twenty - seven years of living , not once had he ever even been on a date . They would probably have been happy with just about anyone so long as there was someone . " Don 't worry . I 'm sure you 'll sort things out in time . " His father gave him a big smile and got up from the couch . " Invite him over sometime , okay ? " His mother followed . " Well , it 's getting late and we have a long trip back . I 'm sure you have plenty of things to do tonight too . " " Mom . . . " " Please do visit us soon . It 's been forever since you last came by . " She hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek . " I will . Have a safe trip back . " He hugged back this time , albeit somewhat awkwardly . He bade his parents goodbye . In the last few years , that was the best interaction he 'd had with them . There was still some awkwardness , but overall , it was pleasant and none of the usual guilt or embarrassment suffocated him . He actually wanted to go visit them . He wanted to bring Connor with him . The idea was a little too normal for him , having someone come with him to his parents ' home as an adult . That was too much of a fantasy . When he was a teenager , the idea of that would have made him cringe and roll his eyes . Why did he think that isolation he and his high school buddies were wanting to cloak themselves in was so grand in the first place ? Was I so afraid I convinced myself I 'd hate it ? He went to his bedroom . Connor was asleep on the cot he 'd set up after their first week of living together . Brian turned in for the night , but couldn 't fall asleep . There was still a rush of excitement from the day . It was an unusual sensation . When this happened with Connor , he just presumed there was something different about interacting with Connor that made him react like that . After all , the circumstances under which they met in the first place were already so bizarre . Of course there would be something different between them and other people . He had so little proper social interaction , he was still unsure what was normal . He turned over and looked at Connor on the other side of the room . Watching him sleep , he couldn 't help but think it was unnecessary for Connor to sleep over there when there was so much room right beside him . That thought lingered in his mind longer than he wanted to admit . He turned away , his cheeks burning . This is because my parents said all that stuff earlier . I 'm letting it get to me . I can 't possibly . . . While he said that to himself , he let his mind wonder about what that might be like . They were already doing a lot of normal couple things as it was , but those activities were also things friends and roommates would likely do together too . To really be a couple , there was something more than that they were currently lacking in doing . His face burned hotter . I need to sleep . As he was nearing sleep , Brian heard Connor moving around the room . He turned over . Connor opened the balcony door and went out . Brian got up himself . This again . . . " Huh ? No . I had a weird dream and I couldn 't get back to sleep . " Connor looked over at him . The expression on his face was the same as the way he looked the first night . " Can I ask you something ? " " Hmm . . . only a little . From what I remember seeing on the news once , the reason that area is so empty over there is because you can 't really build much on it . Something about a protected species , I think ? It was a big deal way back when I was a kid . Even getting a road and bridge put in that area , it was all over the news . I remember people were still bringing it up when I was in high school , but that was a long time ago . I can 't really remember all the details . " That was never a place he had ever been , even as kid when his parents dragged him all over the place . Connor turned back towards the bridge . " I want to go there . " " Then why haven 't you gone already ? I know you had to have seen the bridge out here before . I always see you coming out on the balcony at night . " " This is going to sound kind of stupid , but I 'm afraid of going there . " He gripped tightly to the bars of the balcony . " I 'm sorry to ask you this , but I can 't go there alone . I can 't get myself to even move close to that place . " " If you 're so afraid of it , it 's not like you have to right now . " Brian joined him on the balcony . " I know , but . . . I need to go there . I know what I 'm missing will come to me there . I 've always known . It 's all I 've dreamt of since coming here . " " It 's always night in my dreams . The stars are so bright and everything else is dark . I 'm always floating , but I can 't really see myself . I 'm in darkness and there 's blue , and so many tiny stars above me . . . And that bridge . I 'm always floating away from that bridge . " Floating and darkness . Brian recalled Connor mentioning something like that before . " I 'll take you there . " " Are you sure ? " That helpless , sad look burned into him . He couldn 't refuse Connor if he wanted to , the same as the day they first met on the balcony . " Let 's go . " Walking down to the bridge would be the longest walk the two of them had ever taken together . It was already really late , and many businesses had closed up for the night . The city itself was still relatively bright , but the further they went out , the darker everything got . In the back of his mind , Brian combated a lingering fear that had dwelt in him for a while . What happens when you remember everything ? Will you leave me ? He couldn 't let that thought control him . At the bridge , Connor ran ahead of him . He stared out from the right side of the bridge at the river . Brian watched him , and neither said anything . Like the incident in the library , Connor collapsed suddenly . Brian ran to catch him . Tears falling from Connor 's face . Brian held him . " Connor ! Connor , what 's wrong ? ! What 's happening ? ! " " I remembered it . . . all of it . . . " His entire body was shaking . " Tell me . . . what happened ? " Brian held him closer to calm him down . Connor breathed heavily for a while , burying his face into Brian 's chest . When he managed to get his breathing under control , he wiped away the tears . He held on to Brian as he recalled the past . " I used to be a student . At that point , I was calling myself a scientist . I was pretty confident in who I was then , and where I was going . I had everything figured out . When I was younger , my family was always weighing me down . My parents were idiots with money and idiots about having kids . They didn 't think anything through . I was the oldest of seven kids , born to two parents deep in debt before they married each other . They spent most of their time dodging collectors , leaching off of family and friends , and spending more money . Being the oldest , naturally , I was given the least amount of things , and always expected to play the role of mom and dad . I resented my parents early on , and while I pitied my siblings at first , that phase quickly ended . They all turned into little versions of my parents and would use me the same way . I never had any money . When I 'd have part - time jobs , my mom would find a way to get my money and string me along until she 'd found ways to put me into debt . I 'd have to struggle to get myself out of the hole she was digging around me . And my father would yell at me if I wasn 't working at any point , because I needed to chip in and help feed the others . After all , they gave me a roof over my head and food on occasion , so I should be grateful . In my senior year of high school , I devised a plan to get out . I knew I 'd have to go into debt at first to manage it , but I needed to get out from under them if I ever had a chance of being free . So , I kept my grades good , got accepted into a decent state college , took out some student loans and moved out . I got a job as quickly as I could and did my best to keep my grades up . I was really proud of myself when I managed to graduate , and got accepted into grad school to work towards getting a master 's . For my master 's , I was studying a local , unusual phytoplankton species . Studying a nocturnal species meant I spent a lot of time out in the night . This was one of the spots I would go . The species I was studying was bioluminescent . They would display the most beautiful light show at a certain time of the year . This sort of phenomena is usually more common in marine environments . I wanted to know more about why this was happening here . There was also an unusual side - effect of concern to the local environment . The aftermath of that event left a very strange , slime like waste in the area that gave off a dark blue dying effect upon contact . Very odd , though my research at that point suggested it wasn 't harming the environment as previously suspected . Actually , some of the fish were using this to their advantage . . . Sorry , that probably sounds boring to you . But you had to see it . When it happened , looking out from here on this bridge at the river , it was like the water and the night sky became one . . . it was like I could almost touch the stars . . . I was happy then , even though all my time was filled . Classes , research outside , research in the library , work , eat , sleep . That 's all there was every day , but I couldn 't have been more satisfied with it . And then they found me again . My parents came to me in tears at my apartment door one morning . They gave me some spiel about how if I didn 't help them out my brothers and sisters would be out starving in the street . I had to give them money , or I 'd be a horrible person , a terrible family member . And I caved . Before I knew it , they had suckered me back into being their little pawn . To support them , I had to get another job , and another . Eventually , I had to quit school for ' hardships ' as I had to list it . All my time became their time . Eventually , I quit the cafe job I was working in between class and my research time to get a higher paying one along with the other two I was working . Then my siblings started calling me . They needed money for this and that . It was reasonable at first . Food , school supplies . . . and then it became video games and movie tickets . Expensive cell phones . Designer shoes . When I wouldn 't give it to them , in came the guilt trip . I was betraying them by not . They couldn 't possibly help themselves . Eventually , I couldn 't take anymore . I quit my jobs , tossed my phone , and wandered the streets aimlessly for a while . I ended up here one night . It was one of the nights the light show was happening . I stood right here and watched the lights for hours . I couldn 't feel anything , happiness or sadness , rage . . . there was nothing . Only the lights on the river and in the sky . Something in me hit a point I can 't really describe . . . like a final lock was undone . I picked up a piece of broken glass off the ground and . . . " Connor looked down at his wrists and sighed . " I slit my wrists . I remember looking up at the stars afterwards and wishing I could have been born with a normal life and lived like a normal person . After that , I remember falling , but it 's vague . I think I fell from the bridge into the water . Everything around me was a mix of dark and light , like the sky . Then I . . . feel like I went to sleep . Everything after that is darkness and floating . I don 't remember how long that lasted . I didn 't have a sense of time . I didn 't think about anything . I didn 't dream . It was just vague emptiness . And then the lights came back , and you were there . " Brian didn 't know how to respond . He silently hugged Connor . Connor had started crying again . His tears soaked through Brian 's shirt . " I died , then ? " " You don 't want to come home with me ? " Brian tried to smile , but it was too painful . Connor looked up , his eyes lit up like the lights above them . He didn 't say anything . " I may not be able to fill in what you 're missing , but please let me help you reach whatever it is that will . " Brian held back his tears . " I 'm sorry , I 'm so selfish . Please , stay . I don 't want you to leave me . " Connor rested his head against Brian 's shoulder . " I hope you really mean what you said . There 's a lot of time I have to catch up on , and a lot I have left to fix . " " I can handle it . " For the first time , Brian felt completely confident in what he said . He knew he still couldn 't completely manage himself on his own and he had difficulties making connections with people , but that was alright for now . He would keep improving if he tried . For now , this shared arrangement suited his needs . Carrying burdens with someone else was completely normal . He didn 't know how difficult things could get from here on out , or if anything else strange would happen one day , but he didn 't care . " You know , we still don 't know how I got there . " Connor lingered where he was . Brian looked out at the stars . " It doesn 't matter . Let 's go home . "

Onyx is from another of Mama cat 's litters . We gave a litter to a young couple , one that was between Silver and Sapphire , and Onyx and his litter mates . His early life was quite interesting , to say the least . When he was still outside , as a tiny guy , my neighbor came to the house with him and a brother . She said she was keeping the brother , who is a Siamese mix , and I should take the tuxedo kitty to the animal shelter . I kept him in the house for a day or two , but then took him to the shelter . I was asked whether or not he had bitten me , and I said only kitten bites . I found out within a day or so , that the shelter would only try to find a home for him the first day , then put him to sleep . I called them and said I wanted him back and was told that he was in quarantine for ten days because he bit me . I waited for the ten days , then showed up on their doorstep before opening time , so that I would be able to get him back . That was a real hassle . They told me I needed ID , proof that I was the one that took him there . After all that was solved , I went back to the cage area , and there he was with a big sign on his cage - BITER . How did they expect anyone to adopt him ? When he saw me , he started pacing back and forth , crying and crying . This , after only having known me for a day or so , almost two weeks earlier . The shelter attendant even remarked about his reaction to me . He had lost weight , and really was a pound kitty . He weighed one pound , according to the vet where we took him for a checkup . It cost me quite a bit of money to buy back the kitten that I had taken there in the first place . I held him all the way home and he was such a happy kitten . Onyx has had some health problems , basically urinary tract blockages , and has spent some time in the hospital . When he was there for four days , he wouldn 't speak to us when we would go visit . The vet had told us to visit him every day , and also asked us to try to get him to eat . When I got him home , he spent very much time on my lap , and still does . He is still a fairly young cat . He is an expensive kitty , and is responsible for a big cat food bill . He needs special food , so we feed all of the cats that food , to facilitate matters . This is to prevent further urinary problems . I do love him , though . His fur is so silky . He is too slippery to hang on to when you are trying to pick him up . He is very huggable . He is my almost Halloween kitty . Blogger was playing Halloween tricks with my last post . I tried to post last night , then this morning , to no avail . My post was a ghost . I tried this afternoon , and was successful , but there were three Halloween posts instead of one . They had the dates and times that I had submitted them . Very interesting ! Halloween was always great fun when I was young . I lived in town and could safely go to houses on all of the streets . For some reason , I do not remember ever having bad weather on the night of Trick or Treating , but I am sure that there were times when it was cold and rainy , maybe even snowy . Walking along with my siblings and friends was wonderful , scuffing through the autumn leaves , listening to the crunch . Some nights it was balmy , other nights there was a crispness in the air . I still remember the sounds and the smells of fall , the laughter of all the other kids in town , as the sidewalks were always overflowing with kids of all ages . We would have bags full of treats to take home . In those days , it was even safe to accept apples , baked goods , homemade candy . In the sixties , when my own children were very young , I lived in the same town for a few years , across the street from the house where I had lived throughout my childhood . My parents and youngest siblings still lived in the house at the time , and my brothers and sister went trick or treating with us . The autumn air was still the same ; the streets and houses had hardly changed at all . It seemed that even the same leaves were on the sidewalks for my children to scuff through . I walked with them to trick or treat , then accompanied them to a Halloween party at the same school that I had attended . I don 't remember what I wore as a costume in my own youth , but I very clearly remember the costumes that I made for my children . My oldest was dressed as George Washington . I used a pair of black pants that he had , and caught them up below the knees with a ribbon . He wore these over white stockings . He wore a white shirt , and a black coat that I made . I completed his outfit with a crocheted doily ruffled up at the neck , lace attached to the sleeves , and a white colonial wig drawn back with a black ribbon . The girls were easy . I was always making dresses for them , so I designed long dresses , made with very pretty fabrics . I continued with the colonial motif , making a dressy gown for my second child . She was dressed in a beautiful brown taffeta that was almost iridescent , with lace trim . My third youngest had a gown with a grey top and a flowered skirt . Both of these gowns had long sleeves . All three children looked great . My fourth child was too young at the time to be involved in the tricks and treats and the party and parade at the school at night . When we were at the school , there was costume judging in the gym as all of the town 's children marched to music in a huge circle . My oldest daughter has just reminded me that she chickened out of the parade and costume judging . I don 't remember that part . My son won a prize for his George Washington costume . This particular costume won a prize every time one of my children wore it . My youngest son used it as a Mozart costume . I can 't even remember how many times we used it and it was always a winner . It seems to me that the gowns won prizes at some point , but that particular part of the memories may be lost . Perhaps they were classroom prizes . Wow ! I spent a lot of the day watching movies yesterday . I went to see " Shall We Dance ? " , starring Richard Gere . Great way to spend a rainy afternoon . I loved the movie - dance is a particular favorite . I thought Gere was great , and J Lo is also a wonderful dancer . There were a few surprises for me as far as the dancing goes - Stanley Tucci was amazing , and a former buddy from a favorite TV show , Third Watch , Bobby Cannavale , also did an admirable job on the dance floor . The setting , Chicago , was of particular interest to me because I always go sightseeing there when I am taking the train from Buffalo to California . I have a five or six hour layover on the trip west . Last night I watched two good movies on TV . " The Rising Place " was about an unwed mother in the South during World War II . Then , the blockbuster " Henry V " , with a young Kenneth Branagh , kept my interest for over two hours . I am able to totally immerse myself in Shakespeare . I love the flow of the words . I do not live in Buffalo any longer , therefore I can not go to Shakespeare in the Park . This has become a summer institution , initiated while I was living there . The kids and I could walk there , as Delaware Park was a block away , and we went to the performances of each play more than once . More cat stories : Silver is Sapphire 's litter mate , and weighs the same - around 18 pounds . When the Mama cat had that litter , I saw her carrying the kittens from a boat at a guy 's trailer to a new hiding place , under a trailer near me . Silver was the first kitten I saw . Even though he was only a few days old , he seemed to be a hefty little white cuddly thing . Sapphire was the next one to be carried . He was also white and squirming so much that she dropped him several times . Eventually , Mama brought them under my porch steps , after taking them to several locations . There was also a tabby , but she forgot to bring that one to my house and I didn 't know it existed . My neighbor brought it to me the morning after the mama moved them here . She had heard it crying in the night and went to investigate in the morning , finding it by reaching through a hole in a shed . We brought all three babies in the house , as a raccoon was hanging around the steps , and discovered that the kitten we named Sapphire was the runt and couldn 't eat - I had to bottle feed him . The tabby only survived for a week ; he had pneumonia . Many people wanted these babies when they saw them . We took them in a carrier to antique shows so that we could take care of them all of the time . Silver was so funny . I would put both tiny kittens on a newspaper on a table , after Sapphire could eat out of a dish , and the two would eat opposite each other . Silver would inevitably fall asleep with his face in the food , sucking loudly . We started calling him " Doofus " . He is still the same cat that we met when he was a kitten . Just the color has changed . Both kittens went through the period of getting their Siamese points , except that Sapphire resembled a Siamese more than Silver did . Both cats became grey adults , but Silver is more silver . He has some tabby markings , on his forehead , and tail . His blue eyes are crossed , and he has a hard time seeing things that you hold out to him . Much of the time , he reminds us of a cougar - his face , and his walk . He is aggressive toward the others , but is a sweetheart with us - a big baby , always wanting attention . He is very photogenic , but is still a doofus , a booby . He falls off the bed or couch - rolls right off . He is the biggest talker of all the cats and won 't stop talking until you answer him and give him lots of cuddles . posted by Rita Xavier @ 8 : 30 PM 1 comments I failed to mention that a friend and co - worker of mine at City Hall , in Buffalo , New York , committed suicide by going over Niagara Falls Easter weekend , 1978 . I have always had a very hard time dealing with that , and with the guilt I have felt in knowing that most likely a conversation I had with him the last day of work before he took his own life caused him to make that decision . It has been a difficult thing to live with . Taughannock Falls , in the Finger Lakes Region of New York State , is 215 feet tall , set in a 400 foot gorge . Its waters empty into Cayuga Lake . The waterfall is 33 feet higher than Niagara Falls , highest free - falling waterfall in the North Eastern United States , and one of the highest of any kind east of the Rocky Mountains . Taughannock Falls State Park is around fifteen miles from my childhood home . One of my earliest memories is of being there with my mother and father . It is not a memory that I cherish . It is a dark memory that lurks in the inner spaces of my consciousness . I wonder whether or not all very small children have retained memories of very scary places where they went with their parents . My father took me to the edge of the gorge , at the lookout point , where there is a stone wall . I vividly remember that he threw a tree branch into the gorge to see how long it took to hit the bottom . His throwing that branch over the edge was the basis of many nightmares over the ensuing years . Dad loved waterfalls and was always visiting them in our area and all over New York State . He took us with him . The area where I lived had many falls in gorges that emptied into Cayuga and Seneca Lakes . I took my own children to the same types of places , including Taughannock . We went to many gorges and waterfalls up and down the East Coast , some of them a number of times . Niagara Falls , the gorge and several falls at Letchworth , Watkins Glen , Ausable Chasm , several waterfalls in the Finger Lakes Area , Yellowstone , Yosemite , The Grand Canyon ; all were seen by my children when they were very young . I left the two youngest in the car while the older two stepped out right in front of the car with us to look over the railing at the Grand Canyon , because I didn 't want the smallest ones near the railing . I was always nervous having children at Niagara Falls , also . The kids have never really told me that they have had a lifelong fear caused by being exposed to waterfalls and gorges , although the girls are just as nervous with their children as I was with mine . I would get a weak - in - the - knees feeling if they were close to the railings , and had more nightmares . Why did we go there ? My aunt and uncle , parents of my closest cousin , lived on a farm near Cayuga Lake . Almost immediately behind their barn was a 125 foot waterfall , Sheldrake Falls , in a 150 foot gorge , according to figures I grew up with . You could barely step around the corncrib without falling over the edge , even though my cousin and I did just that . We also played in the corncrib , and when it was empty , we played house in there . We hiked what we called the Indian Path , high on the sides of the upper creek banks , all of the time , any time of the year . We always loved being there . When we weren 't in the upper creek , we hiked in the gorge . There was a very long path down the side of the gorge , around a bend and at one end of a field . It was a wonderful walk through the gorge to the bottom of the waterfall , along the shale banks of the creek , occasionally through the water via stepping stones , to the great swimming hole at the bottom of the falls . Bumping into an occasional snake was a bit unsettling , but I survived . One summer , when there was not so much water going over the falls , she and I decided to climb to the top . The rock was like ledges in the face of the falls , so it was possible to do so , and I did alright until I was half way to the top . Then a snake appeared , startled me , and I slipped on my backside all the way to the bottom over the mossy rocks . I don 't like snakes , and I didn 't try to climb back up . This waterfall is one that I visited with my children many times , and my cousin 's brother still owns the farm . I have had nightmares about the place most of my life . It is strange that people continue to do things that upset them . I would go there now , if given the opportunity , because it is a place of great beauty , as is Taughannock , a few miles south of Sheldrake Falls . I would go , and I would have nightmares . The train seemed to inch its way across the country , from California to New York State - three days and three nights , then another day because it was eight hours late reaching my destination . I had no cell phone , therefore I could not call my sister to check on my mother , until I reached Toledo . I rushed into the station to let Dottie know that she should do other things that day , until I reached the station where I would leave the train and attempt to catch a bus to a city near her home . The bus was an hour late , also , so things were not going well at all . I did not have a chance to see my mother that day . During the night , Mom was taken to the hospital in the ambulance , as she had fallen again and couldn 't get off the kitchen floor . She had a Lifeline bracelet , and could push the button to summon help . Dottie did not wake me , as she knew I was tired . When I woke up , I found a note from her stating that she was at the hospital , and would return to get me . I saw my mother for the first time when the ambulance returned her to her home , that day . They had kept her over night , but sent her home because they couldn 't do anything for her . It was the first I had seen her in almost a year . I had originally planned on going to New York State in July , but my mother was getting worse , and I decided that I needed to be there . I couldn 't go in May , because I had a flu - type illness , and I wanted to be sure that I had recovered . At the end of April , Mom had fallen , spent the night on the floor , and suffered a fractured pelvis . She spent three weeks in the hospital , and was not in very good condition at all . Her biggest problem was that she had barely any circulation in her left foot and leg . She had the artery replaced in her right leg years before that , but it was too late to do anything about the left leg . Gangrene would eventually set in and it would be the end . I was able to spend two weeks with Mom , helping my three sisters take care of her . It was difficult , as we are not nurses , and didn 't always know exactly what to do . It became a case of helping her with medications , meals , housekeeping , but most of all , companionship . There were times when she mostly slept , because of the pain medication . At other times , she was very alert and wanted to visit , to look at her flowers that we had brought to her from her garden , and to sit looking out the sliding glass doors at plants a sister brought to her from the store where she works . The next night , she was in such pain that we could no longer do anything for her . My nephew talked her into going in the ambulance once again , and he rode with her . He is with a fire department and has worked on ambulances . My three sisters , a brother , and his wife , all went to the emergency room , and had to insist that they keep her this time , stating that we could not care for her . We knew it was time , time for the morphine drip . Her foot and leg were so bad , that it hurt all of us to look at it . It was around 1 : 00 A . M . by then , so they finally checked her in and planned to put her in a room soon . Her general practitioner showed up , and couldn 't believe how much she had deteriorated . The vascular surgeon 's assistant seemed to be more involved with her care at that point . Around mid - day , they started the morphine drip and removed all medications , and nourishment . She still managed to be in and out of consciousness , and speak to some of us in whispers - alert almost to the end . I believe she knew that not all of her eight children had made it to see her yet . Many children and grandchildren were in and out of her room , keeping vigil , as it were . She went into the hospital Wednesday night , and took her last breaths Sunday night . Everyone had gone to a small lounge to eat fast food , but I went back to the room to get a small can of pop , courtesy of the hospital . I met one sister in the hall . She was just returning from her home . She went into the room with me and I went up to the bed to give my mother another morphine push , then noticed that her breathing was completely different . I walked outside the door to get her nurse , then quickly went back to the bedside to spend my mother 's last few minutes on this earth talking to her , comforting her . My sister stood at the foot of the bed , then decided to go get the others from the lounge . Annie 's Annuals held a Fall Planting Party this past weekend , so I decided to go on Saturday . I was going to buy one plant , but ended up with almost a tray full of 4 " pots , then went back later for more . There were refreshments , games , prizes , two guys playing steel drums , face painting for the kids , and a large , cheerful crowd of people oohing and aahing over unusual plants . You use little red wagons to load up with your treasures , and I was stopped many times by men and women asking about the items I had in mine - " Oh , that 's beautiful , - what is it ? " " Where did you find it ? " It is a great way to start conversations . I am sure my hummingbird will love some of my selections . I chose at least three salvias - one almost electric blue . One is a beautiful blend of pink and mauve . A tall , single , bright red dahlia is a showstopper . I have it just outside my sliding glass doors on the porch so I can see it all the time . It is night as I write this , and I can 't even remember what I bought . I 'll have to check in the daylight hours and write another note . I did get a white passion flower with purple center . The one I had already is a purple one . I also got a new , for me , digitalis - foxglove . It is strawberry colored . Mine that I have had for a couple of years ( it has spread like crazy in the pot ) is white . Several other new items , in my little garden , are sure to give me lots of pleasure . I am running out of room , though . My internet buddy 's daughter did not survive her injuries . I feel so sorry for him . I have kept track of the situation through the internet , on local TV and newspaper websites where she lived . She was a high school English teacher , a passenger in a vehicle , on her way to the school . The accident was caused by a woman in another car . I think about it a lot of the time , even though I never met her . There is still smoke here , and it is very hard to breathe . There is another fire , in the mountains this time , and the smoke is in the Bay Area . The sky has a very strange color and feel . Yesterday , the atmosphere gave me a feeling of foreboding for a good share of the day . Last night , the sun was an amazing " shocking pink " , as in Schiaparelli , unlike any sun I remember seeing for a long time . I am glad that I was able to witness the sight . . . . maybe . Today was my second writing class , and toward the end of the class , a bit after I had read two entries aloud that I had prepared for today , my instructor invited me ( only me ) to join a writing group in El Sobrante that she has belonged to for 35 years . She likes my work , and thinks it would be good for me to be a member of the group . We 'll see how it works out . It is an evening class , and I am to the point where I never go out in the evening . If I go to a movie , it is in the daytime . Anyway , it is nice to get my brain working . Makes me feel like it has been on vacation for years . posted by Rita Xavier @ 4 : 19 PM 4 comments Many years ago , my father accompanied me to school to help me choose my courses for my high school years . It was an evening when I was in eighth grade , and I was excited about the school years in my future . I was a very good student , and loved school . My Art teacher tried to convince my father that I should major in Art , as I had always been one of his " favorite " students . I still remember today a sculpture of a fawn at rest that I had worked on from memory - not even a photo . When my teacher fired the fawn , he did not return it to me . He wanted to keep it . I was always a bit sad about that . I was even less happy when my father basically refused to allow me to major in Art . He said that I would never be able to make a living in that field . It was decided that I should major in Math , Science , and French , with a minor in Business . I suppose that was OK , in a way , as I did very well in those subjects . They were challenging and kept my interest . It was arranged by the Principal and Guidance Counselor at my school , near the completion of the high school years , that I go to college in Albany , New York , at what was then a State Teachers ' College , now part of the SUNY system . They wanted me to be a math teacher , and the college had accepted me , thanks to these two men , who were neighbors and close friends . Somehow , I lost interest in doing this after I started working for a living . I was just realizing , also , that my parents were definitely unable to afford to send me to school . I was the oldest of many children , and it just wasn 't going to happen . I was notified by the college that they had a dorm room saved for me , but I was beginning to think about going away to New York City to get a job . I did go to New York , and got a fantastic job . It was interesting , exciting , and started me on my way to becoming completely interested in people from other countries , cultures . I was introduced to the wonderful world of retail , in the import offices of a very upscale company . I worked for a while , then married the man I met when I first went to New York , an accountant from back home , in the area near where I grew up . After we had already had our first child , I received notification that I could use the last year of a scholarship for college . Apparently the person who was using the scholarship dropped out , and I was an alternate . It was too late - not possible at the time . I just realized one day , very recently , that I did not go to school for a reason other than finances . I had no interest in being a math teacher . It has taken me forty - seven years to come up with this mind - boggling revelation . I must be slow . I have spent much time thinking about Art and Art History in the past year or two because I have a wonderful granddaughter , Allison , who is majoring in Art History ( and languages ) at Duke University in North Carolina . She is in her third year , and at this time is in Madrid for the semester , continuing with her Art History studies . I am so envious , but I am so happy for her . She is doing what she wants to do , and she is a fantastic student - achieving so much through her years in elementary and high school . In the sixties , I started painting , using mostly acrylics , but also working in oils a bit . I did this while I was being a mom , and thoroughly enjoyed it . I have also traveled to museums in many cities in this country and France . Collecting art books has been a favorite thing to do for many years , and now I can visit world famous museums on the internet . At the time that I realized I never wanted to be a math teacher , I started thinking about the subjects I had taken in high school . Yes , math was OK , and I was the only female student in a class of males - girls didn 't take that stuff then , at least not in my school . Achieving a score of 100 on the Trigonometry Regents was indeed exciting , but my homeroom teacher was unable to get me into the General Motors Institute , as they " didn 't have facilities for girls " . I can 't think of any way that I have used those math courses since leaving high school , except perhaps in the most minor way . The same applies to the science courses . French is good , because I still remember it , can read it , and can understand people when they speak it . I have used art throughout my life , not only for personal enjoyment , but in a profession that I chose when I became self - employed as an antique dealer . You need art when you study antiques , and I spent many years learning to do what I do . I have also sold art in the past , along with collecting it . Architecture fits right in with the art . I have always studied great architecture , in books and in my travels . The same applies to photography . I have had a camera since I was a kid , and in the 70 's , I belonged to the Buffalo Science Museum Camera Club . I learned a lot then , and won some ribbons . I loved my father dearly , and still think about him all of the time , fifteen years after his death . He was one of a kind , and hundreds of people loved and respected him - he had his own business and was well known . His choice for my high school years was based on popular thinking of the time . I do not have any ill feelings toward him for not allowing me to do what I wanted to do . It has been difficult to concentrate today . I was awake a lot of the night , thinking about my internet buddy . His daughter was horribly injured in an accident on the way to work yesterday , and I have spent over 24 hours wondering how things are going . They live in separate states on the East Coast . More on the smoke - The Rumsey Fire , burning in Napa and Yolo Counties , is a 23 , 000 acre fire at this time , and has been sending smoke and ash south to all of us in the Bay Area today . People with health problems have been advised to stay indoors tomorrow , with no relief in sight until later in the week . The temperature in San Pablo has been in the high 80 's today . Something is burning somewhere . I can smell the smoke . I was out and about running errands for a couple of hours , and there is a haze in the hills . San Pablo Bay , just a tiny bit north of me was not visible . It has been very hot and dry here . I believe they said on the news that it is the dryest it has been in twenty - five years . The East Bay is the location of the devastating Oakland Hills fire a few years ago . Perhaps I 'll find out something on the news tonight . I just spent hours trying to hack through all the undergrowth ( overgrowth , too ) of loose papers in here . I am terrible at keeping up with the recycling , and things get out - of - hand . It sure feels better to see some bare spaces , but it is very tiring . I can 't sit down to do this job . I feel the need to stand while sorting things , and I also go put things away that don 't get thrown out . I 'm on a roll . Hope I can keep it up until recycling pickup . Yesterday was spent sorting books that I deleted from Amazon , and stacking the boxes in an orderly manner . I also managed to throw away some things that were in the living room . I have to concentrate on how best to sell the books and free - up my floor space . The seniors went on a very interesting trip yesterday , to the Jelly Belly Candy Company factory in Fairfield . I have never been to such a " pretty " factory . You walk in the main doors to almost overwhelming color and brilliance . The lobby and store area are all done in primary colors , and there are huge " paintings " done in every imaginable color of jelly bean . Of course , there are taste testing areas , of all the gourmet Jelly Belly flavors , plus gummy candy favorites , and another area consisting of chocolates of every kind . The store had much interesting merchandise , hard to resist . There is a very large dining area at the factory , again , beautifully decorated - bright and cheery . The seniors chose to go elsewhere for lunch , a buffet , after the usual shopping part of the trip . Many of the ladies depend on these trips for their weekly outing for supplies and groceries , as the bus delivers them right to the door of the stores and they can use their walkers and canes . I believe outings such as this help to keep them young in spirit , and they do manage to get around once inside the buildings . There is much camaraderie , on the bus , at lunch , and doing all of the interesting things together . Hooray for seniors ! A bit ago I stepped out onto the porch , and my hummingbird was flitting about from flower to flower , getting refreshment . I had just been in that area deadheading - must be he was waiting for me to leave . I thought I heard him , but wasn 't sure . Sometimes he just visits the flowers while I am standing right there . I had a chance to get a better idea of the flowers he visits . Most of the time I catch him near the end of his visits , therefore I don 't know every flower he likes . I wasn 't totally sure of the Toadflax ( Linaria purpurea ) , but he definitely likes that . He spent time in the lavender , which has all new blossoms and is growing like crazy right now . " Rose Queen " salvia is a favorite , plus a weird plant that I can 't remember - a new plant at the nursery this year . Of course , he also drank from the other flowers I have mentioned in an earlier entry . What a delightful way to spend a few minutes . For my East Coast family and friends - my hummingbird is bigger than yours . He is an Anna 's , and will be a visitor for the entire winter , if I provide food . A Siamese - mix , he is an absolutely beautiful cat , very regal in appearance . Sapphire talks like a Siamese and is perpetually curious . Ever so clever , he tries to reach things on the kitchen counter ; he gets in cupboards ; tries to open doors ; begs constantly for people food . I named him Sapphire as a tiny kitten because of his gorgeous sapphire - blue eyes , and I thought the name sounded royal . He has always known his name and comes when called - this in a household of seven cats . He is the only cat that I can depend on to come when I want him to do something , or not do something - whatever the case . The others all know their names , but do not always come running when they are called . I actually enjoyed it . It is the first time in a long time that I have done anything like that , sitting in a group brainstorming , then quickly writing thoughts to be shared with everyone . I think I will look forward to each week of class . It is an intimate group - four men , five women , plus a woman from the college , and the instructor . The makeup is varied - a Vietnamese woman who is a doctor , a Mexican man , Mexican woman ( the senior center coordinator ) , a man who appears to be a good writer . Maybe more will show up next week , but this size is manageable . One evening I heard the sounds of something scratching its way up the lattice fence at the back of my " garden " . I turned on the porch light and stepped out the sliding screen door , just in time to see two raccoon babies trying to climb over the fence . They were having a hard time , and when they went over the top , they were hanging from the back side looking at me with their sweet baby faces . A camera right then would have been good . Big joke ! Actually , when I was at the senior center for lunch today , the Mexican lady who runs the place talked me into signing up for a free English class , creative writing I guess . It will be taught at the center every Thursday until December , by a teacher from Contra Costa College . She kept saying , come on , it will be fun . She also told me that if it works out , she 'll try to get us signed up for something else . I said Spanish would be good , as I understand some , and can read things , but would like to be a lot more proficient . It would definitely come in handy around here , as I am surrounded by Spanish speaking peoples wherever I go ( and where I live ) . I can understand my friend Barbara when she speaks to Jose , who is from Peru . Wow , I get nervous when I think about signing up for something that I have to do EVERY week . Oh , well . We 'll see how I like it . Sunday morning , before opening up at the show for the day , we went to the Marin Farmers ' Market , one of my favorite things to do on a show morning . It is a particularly fine market , even just for wandering . The flowers are always great , with interesting and unusual plants . Baked goods are in order , and any fresh , organic produce that will stand a day in the van . A new booth at the market is run by a couple who make various flavors of creme brulee . The lavender is to die for . I didn 't feel like leaving a deposit on a ramekin ( all sizes and shapes ) because I only go there every three months , so I settled for a mouth watering piece of key lime pie . The husband is from Nottingham originally , and his wife is from South Africa . She got tired of the corporate world , so started making creme brulee . A delightful couple . . .

Upon returning to Anderson College for my sophomore year , things had gotten much better for me . I was the hero of the Theatre for pulling off " Up the Down Staircase " . I had a private room in the same suite , where Louie used to be . People started liking me more . Things were good . I changed my major to Speech and Drama from English . I was still in the Ivy Leaves literary group , but I dropped all of the religious organizations . I also stopped going to church . During the Fall of 1972 , I took much more of an active role in both politics and the stage . I was also in great physical shape . On Saturdays , Phil and I would play tennis . I also ran a lot and walked . Mr . Vivian was looking to direct a play called " Laura " . It was a murder mystery . I thought for sure that I would get the male lead , but that went to Dennis . I was not pleased . After all , people liked me . Mr . Vivian felt I needed to get some technical work under my belt , so I was cast in a very minor role of a detective . I only had 2 lines - - " You mean it was him ? C ' mon let 's go " . Funny how you remember stuff . I worked backstage on the set design , lighting and sound . One of the props needed for the play was a stereo . Mr . Vivian and I went to a local stereo store and asked them to loan us a stereo for the play . They did , but they wanted free advertising in the program . Done . The stereo had a demo record attached to the back . Mysteriously , the record went missing . I had it for several years . Confession is good for the soul . The play went well . There were two actresses who played " Laura " . One was a little older than the other . Linda was the younger one . She died the next year in a car crash . Jimmy played the villain . He and I became very good friends . Howard played a suspect . He and I were at Flora together . He went on to play golf and is now a motivational speaker . The one thing I learned from " Laura " is not to get your ego in your way . All jobs are important to the overall success of a piece . It may hurt not getting the lead every time , but one can do things that will enhance one 's part no matter how big the part is . One of the group that I got involved in during my freshman year at Anderson College was Campus Crusade for Christ . My two suitemates , Steve and Lenny , were also involved in it . We went to gatherings at Clemson . One of the events we signed up for was Explo ' 72 , which was going to be held in Dallas , TX in June . Steve , Judy ( Steve 's girlfriend ) , me and a few others left Greenville on the bus to go to Dallas . The bus drove all night , and we got to Dallas the next day . We stayed in a motel in Arlington . The motel overbooked their rooms for the event , and the only room left for the 3 guys in our group was a suite which was built for 8 people . We thought it was great , since each person could have their own room and bathroom . Our meetings were at UTA . We heard Andrae Crouch , Danny Lee , and others . Our night meetings were at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas . We heard from Bill Bright , who headed Campus Crusade , as well as other religious leaders . There were also musicians including Barry McGuire and Johnny Cash . There were 100 , 000 college kids from all over the country to attend this week - long event . One of the goals of Explo was to send people out by twos and witness to 8 people , thus witnessing to every person in Dallas . It was a monumental task . Each pair was given 8 addresses in the Dallas area . I went with a girl I didn 't know . One of the pair would present the gospel message , while the other one sat quietly and prayed . She volunteered to speak . I volunteered to pray . We knocked on doors , but no one came . It was the middle of the afternoon , and most people were at work . There was one lady home . She invited us in , and we presented the gospel to her . She said she went to church , but she had not heard the message presented in such a way . She gave us some water , and we went on our way . Everyone else either didn 't answer the door or weren 't home . I don 't know how many people made a decision that day . When we returned back to the motel one night after a Cotton Bowl rally , Steve wanted to say good night to Judy . The other guy wanted to get something to eat . So , I went to the room . When I opened the door , there were two kids in a rollaway bed in the front room of the suite . I just figured that they had put them in our room , since we had so much space left over . I went down the hall to my room ; opened the door ; and found a couple sleeping in my bed . I left them , and went outside . I found Steve and the other guy and told them that other people were in our room . Steve thought I was lying , so he went into the room to find the same thing . We went to the front desk , and they told us that a large family had come to the motel , while a double room had checked out . The motel moved our stuff into the double room , and moved the family into ours . They showed us our new room , and it was like entering the twilight zone . All of our stuff was placed in the exact spots where we had left them in the other room . The motel had taken polaroids of our stuff and used the pictures to place our stuff . Even the toothpaste and mouthwash in the bathroom were exactly where they were in the other room . One other strange part of this night - - the family never woke up from their sleep , while we were walking around the old room . Our initial thought was that they had stolen our stuff . We could have killed them all that night as they slept , but that wouldn 't be the Christian thing to do . On Saturday , which was also my birthday , Campus Crusade had the Jesus Music Festival in downtown Dallas . 100 , 000 people were there . So were Johnny Cash , The Carter Family , Billy Graham , and a lot more . Judy , Steve and I were toward the back of the crowd . I told Judy about my life story of bullying , suicide attempts , and other stuff . She felt so sorry for me that she told me she was changing her major to psychology to help people like me . I don 't know if she did . After the festival , I got on a Greyhound bus to go home . The bus went to Atlanta , where I was transferring to a bus to go to Columbia . While I was sitting in the waiting room of the terminal , I saw the news that there had been a break - in at the Democratic Headquarters in Washington , and the perps had been arrested . I remember thinking how stupid those guys were . Little did I know that was the start of Watergate . The political climate today is much different than the late 1960 's to early 1970 's . Today , the issues include immigration , the economy , education , jobs , and global terrorism . Back then , there were basically two important issues - - civil rights and the Vietnam War . In 1969 , I became aware of the Vietnam War and why we needed to get out of there . Nixon was the president . By 1972 , I had become a part of the anti - war movement . I formed an organization called The Walter Durst Society for Human Rights , which became The United Society . I also joined two groups - - The Individuals Against the Crime of Silence and The National Peace Action Coalition . NPAC organized a lot of rallies and marches . I got a lot of pinback buttons from them , as well as posters and pamphlets . I became their representative on the Anderson College campus . I didn 't participate in any marches , but I did write articles for the newspaper , and display the posters around campus . AC was a very conservative school , so I didn 't have a lot of help in this cause . I also became the head of the McGovern for President campaign at school . I met Joe Biden years later , and he said that the McGovern campaign was his first job in politics . I told him it was mine too , and he grinned and said that it was " a very lonely job " . We laughed over it , but the fact was , at the time , we were both dead serious . As soon as I would put an anti - war poster up , someone would rip it down or write rude messages on it . There was no freedom of speech . One guy in particular was a National Guardsman . He actually threatened physical harm toward me . A poll was taken of the students , and 98 % went for Nixon . I was definitely in the minority . My anti - war activities also included some things related to slowing down the war effort . I got about 200 cards from the Pentagon to get folks to express an interest in volunteering for work as nurses in the military . I filled out those cards with phony names and addresses , so it would take people at the Pentagon to write these fake people and get the letters back undeliverable , thus slowing down their work . During this time , I also was involved in ecology . There was a stream that flowed through a park in downtown Anderson . The stream was heavily polluted from a run - off that came from a nearby road and a tire store . Dogs played in the stream along with children . I wrote the mayor about cleaning up the stream , but he said no . I wore an Army shirt that I got from the Army / Navy store . The law said that you could wear a shirt like that , as long as it didn 't have a name on the shirt other than yours . Mine had " Jackson " on it , and I wore it proudly , until it fell apart . I never washed it . One result of my activities was that I started to have an FBI agent follow me around . They kept tabs on me . As I said before , it was a different time . Years later , I applied for and got a federal job . It involved some very secure documents . I had been there 9 months , when one day my supervisor asked if there had been a background check run on me . I told him no , so they did one . The next week , I was let go with no explanation . I wrote to the FBI to request my file . I got two pages from them with my name at the top , and the two pages were blackened out , with a notice at the bottom " by reason of national security " . I applied for another federal job and was denied . I asked them if it was because of my anti - war activity , and they said yes . I asked them what if I renounced everything I stood for during that time . They said that it would be a good thing to do , but I could be blackmailed with my past . They weren 't kidding . In 1974 , I took a Sociology class and wanted to do a slide presentation on the movement . I took pictures of the posters and buttons , but I wanted more , so I went to Fort Jackson to take pictures of tanks and soldiers . As I was doing so , two MP 's drove up in a jeep to ask me what I was doing . I told them , and they said I couldn 't do it , and I had to leave . I drove to another part of the base and started taking more pictures . The same two MP 's showed up again , this time with guns drawn . They wanted the film in my camera , which I gave to them , although I had some already used in my car , which I didn 't give them . They escorted me off of the base . I got an A for my project . There were two people I truly hated during that time . One was the guy who stole my love away . The other was Richard Nixon . Many years later , I was at a White Elephant Party at church . One of the items brought was an oil painting of Nixon . I got it , but someone traded for it , and I lost it . I found Nixon 's address and wrote to him , telling him the painting had been stolen from me . He sent me an autographed picture . I sold it for $ 100 . After doing an awful thing at my first job at S Mart , I was reluctant to do any work , but I got a summer job in 1972 at Bankers Trust on Main St . in Columbia . My job was the Assistant Parking Lot Attendant . The parking lot was outdoors , and the main attendant was much older and needed to take a lot of breaks . Outside in the summertime was not real fun , but I had a chair under a shade tree . The parking lot had about 20 spaces and it was for the customers of the bank . The main bank building had a back door that led to the lot . There was also a building across the street for other bank offices . They told me the first day that the parking lot , which was free to park , was just for bank customers . It wasn 't for anyone who wanted to park and then go shopping . They knew how long a person should be in the bank , and if the car just sat , I was to get the license plate ; call the DMV to find out who owned the car ; and if the owner could not be accounted for , we had it towed by Happy Daddy Towing Service . There were signs in the parking lot noting that fact . One day , I was watching the cars , and one had been there for quite some time . I went through the procedures , and I called around to the offices , and no one recognized the name on the car . So , I had it towed . A little while later , a girl came out to leave , and she could not find her car . I told her that it had been towed . It turned out that she was in Personnel interviewing for a job , and the car was her mother 's . The bank had to pay Happy Daddy to get the car out , and I had to go out there to pick it up . I don 't think the girl took the job that was offered to her . I also learned that just because there are rules about only bank customers parking there , it doesn 't mean they are strictly enforced . The lot was one block from the State House , and I was told that folks with special state license plates could park there . But , they took up the spaces for the customers . There was always a grey area between right and wrong at the bank . One of my duties was to direct traffic in the lot . Some of the spaces were hard to back out of , and I worked to get the cars in and out , especially during the noon rush . One day , I was trying to get a woman in a Cadillac to back out , so that a VW Bug could move into the spot . The woman was doing fine . I was in between her car and the VW . As she was pulling away , she forgot her car was still in reverse . She put her foot to the gas , and her car lurched backwards , pinning me between her car and the VW . Her heard something pop in my knees . I had to climb out on the hood of the VW . She leaned out her window and asked me if everything was okay . I just said yes , as I was in great pain , and she sped off . I went into my supervisor 's office to tell him what happened , and he sent me to the hospital to be checked out . They did some x - rays and determined that I had just bruised a bone . My right thigh muscle hurt a lot , but they said it was just a trauma and to go home and rest . My parents were out of town . I was back at work the next day after a hot bath . Two years later , I started having pains in my knees . I ran a lot and was in really good shape , but my parents felt I should go to an orthopedist just to see if there was a problem . The doctor did x - rays and found that both knees were dislocated . My right knee was worse than my left . He said that he could fix them , but I would be in a cast for six months . Or , the other alternative was not to fix them , and I would get arthritis when I was 40 . I was heavily into Theatre , so I couldn 't see taking the cast option , and 40 seemed a long time away , so I opted for the arthritis . Sure enough , when I turned 40 , I got arthritis in my right knee . My right foot is wider than my left , because my weight shifted . My right calf turns out to the right instead of being straight from the knee to my ankle . Years later , I was talking to a doctor about my injury . He said to never go to an ER when you think you have broken a bone . They don 't know what to look for . I learned that lesson the hard way . In the 4th grade , we had a talent show . Some kids danced ; some sang ; and some did recitations . I tried to do something different , so I did some impressions . I did animal noises and bird calls . I concluded the act with a Tarzan yell . I got a lot of laughs . It may have been the first time I used humor in an act of mine . I didn 't win the show . I may have come in last , because the teacher didn 't care for it , but the kids liked it . In 8th grade , I was sitting in class one day listening to my teacher , whose name was Mr . Stock . He had a crew cut and was pretty tall . He was probably in his thirties , but he seemed old . There was an empty desk in front of mine . The desk had an opening in it that was for books and papers . I had a rubber band and some paper , so I made some spitballs and was shooting them into the desk 's opening in front of me . Mr . Stock was writing on the board with his back turned away from us . I shot one spitball which missed the opening ; clipped the top of the desk ; and hit Mr . Stock in the back of his neck . He spun around and asked who did it . Now , you would think that no one would say anything , but everybody pointed to me . He made me stay after class and write on the blackboard numerous times that I would not shoot spitballs in class . I was late getting home that day , and my Mother asked why . When I told her , I was punished again . So , the moral of this story is that it is better to do a Tarzan yell than to hit your teacher in the back of the head . As I mentioned earlier , our family vacations were paired a lot with Daddy 's work . They were either at Ridgecrest , Glorieta , or at Southern Baptist Convention meetings . I wanted to talk about three of them . One was in Houston , TX in 1968 . I remember it , because we heard about Bobby Kennedy getting shot in Los Angeles , while we were in Houston . It was the headline on a newspaper we saw in a box on the street . Daddy and Mother worked in Houston at a church long before I was born . The pastor of that church was Dr . Westmoreland , and he had box seats for the Houston Astros baseball team . We got to go to the Astrodome and watch a game . That was pretty cool . Daddy had a free day , and he asked me if I would rather go to San Antonio to see the Alamo , or to go to Astroworld and ride rides . I opted for the park . During that trip , we stopped in Selma , AL for dinner . I heard there that Otis Redding had been killed in a plane crash . Funny how you remember where you were . In 1969 , the SBC was in New Orleans . It was the first time ( and the only time ) I had been back to my hometown . My Mother and I went to the Lowe 's Theatre to see the movie " If It 's Tuesday , This Must Be Belgium " . It was a funny movie , and kind of ironic , because 4 years later , I would experience that movie first - hand . The Theatre was the swankiest I had ever seen . I also experienced the seamy side of New Orleans with the strip bars of the French Quarter . I couldn 't go inside , but the doormen would open the doors to show me what was inside . I also experienced men trying to pick me up . I didn 't know at the time what that was about . I did fall in love with pecan pralines . One other trip we made to a convention was Philadelphia . We saw all of the historical stuff there , and I ran from downtown to the art museum and climbed the steps to stop at the top . I did this before Rocky did it , so maybe he got the idea from me . I was in really good shape . Posted by As I mentioned in my previous post , Lenny was involved with the music dept . at Anderson . He would later be president of the choir . One afternoon after class , I wasn 't doing anything . He asked me if I would help him move a piano onstage of the auditorium , after the play rehearsal was over . They needed the piano for chapel the next day . Even though I had the experience with the Theatre , I was majoring in English to become a writer , and I was not real interested in doing plays . It took up too much time . Time I wanted for fun . Lenny and I sat in the back of the auditorium , waiting to do our thing with the piano . A guy named Reed came up to us and asked us if we wanted to be in the play . He said there were two minor roles that had not been cast . The play was " Up the Down Staircase " , and it had a pretty big cast . Lenny said no , but I asked what one of the part were . Reed said they had a part called Mr . Bester , who was an English teacher , and he had very few lines . I thought why not , so I agreed to do it , as it wouldn 't be much of a stretch for me , and it wouldn 't cut into my fun time . The director of the play was a professor at the school . His name was Mr . Vivian , and he taught Speech and Drama . He knew my father , as they were in seminary together years before . Not to sound egotistical or anything , but there were very few people in Baptist circles that my father didn 't know . Anyway , I volunteered for the part . They asked me what experience I had in Theatre , and I cited Columbia College . That was good enough for them . I went to all of the rehearsals , even if I wasn 't going to be called . I just enjoyed the experience of the rehearsal . I got to where I knew everyone 's lines besides just mine . The night of the dress rehearsal was when chaos set in . The lead male role was a guy named Joe Ferrone . He was a difficult student that the teacher tried to help . The actor playing the role was a guy named Chris , who really looked the part . He was very good in the role . At the time for the dress rehearsal , Chris was nowhere to be found . The word came down to us that he had quit school . Mr . Vivian came to me and asked me if I would play Joe . I knew the lines . I knew the blocking . But , what about Mr . Bester ? Mr . Vivian said that they would change some stuff around , and I would play both parts , with Mr . Bester not being seen . For two days , I cut all of my classes and began to cram for the role . I spent a lot of time of the stage going over lines and blocking . Chris had longer hair that me , so Mr . Vivian took me to a wig store , and we got something called the Joe Namath wig to make my hair a little longer . I also did some stuff to get a costume together . I had to pull this off for the sake of the show . On opening night , Chris showed up and wanting to play his part . He apologized for skipping school , and he said the pressure had gotten too great . I was very willing to have Chris take the part back , but Mr . Vivian made the decision . I was to do it . The meeting backstage was very tense , but most of the cast agreed with Mr . Vivian . Since the play took place in a classroom , I was able to use a notebook as a cheat sheet for my lines . The audience never knew that . After the play was over that first night , Chris came up to me and said I did good . A reporter from the local newspaper said in the review that I did the best I could considering I got the role two days before opening night . I really didn 't know how to take the review , but it did encourage me to do better , if there was a next time . If the drama bug had bit me at Columbia College , it bit me harder now . There were people in the cast like Debbie , Ann and Nancy who recognized my talent and encouraged me to do more . I decided to change my major from English to Speech and Drama . It was a life - changing decision . I got applause for my work . Once again , people told me I had talent . I was the talk of the school . I was not used to that , but it felt good . I don 't recommend anyone taking a role that soon before a show , but I pulled it off . I live in a world of what ifs . What if Lenny had not asked me to help him with the piano ? What if Reed had not asked me to do a small role ? What if Chris had not left school two days before opening night ? What if Mr . Vivian had not had faith in me ? I guess I would never had done a lot of plays . I guess I wouldn 't have been in movies or TV . But , all the stars aligned for me that time , and my life changed forever . As mentioned earlier , I had some problems with my roommate 's friends as a freshman at Anderson College . Thankfully , I had some great suitemates . Our suite consisted of 4 bedrooms and a bathroom . Three of the bedrooms had two beds , and one room was a private room . Lenny , Louie , Steve and Mike were my friends . Louie walked around nude a lot , as he was a hippie . Lenny was into music . Steve was studying religion . Mike was going to be a doctor . Steve and Mike took me fishing once near the school . We didn 't catch much , but I did see a snake . One Sunday afternoon , we were bored , so we decided to form a band . Steve played the recorder ; Lenny played the kazoo ; and Mike played two garbage cans like drums . We called ourselves The Walter Durst Orchestra , and I sang two songs that I had written - - " Hey Mr . Sun " and " Albert Frankenstein " . The first was just me and Steve . The second had everybody . We had a short rehearsal , and then we did it , and I recorded it on cassette . The tape exists somewhere . During the second song , it got so loud in Steve 's room where we were taping that I had to literally put the microphone down my throat in order to be heard . We had fun . Louie had a friend named Jeff who was a basketball player . Jeff had a fast car , and he would take us going out into the country to drive fast . It was like " The French Connection " . I was in the back seat and scared for my life , but having fun too . A year later , another guy took the same road with two girls . He wrecked . He survived , but the two girls were killed . I 'm glad Jeff didn 't wreck . There was a concert at Clemson that Louie , Jeff and I wanted to attend . It was Goose Creek Symphony , Canned Heat and Mountain . I adored Woodstock , and they bestowed upon me the hippie name of " The Woodstock Kid " . Canned Heat and Mountain played at Woodstock . When Canned Heat came out to play , they told the audience that half of the band got lost in the mountains coming here . They were good anyway . Mountain was loud . Goose Creek played , and there was a lot of dancing and Boone 's Farm Wine was passed around , along with some other stuff . I didn 't partake , but I really like the music . It was my first real concert to attend . Afterwards , I was supposed to meet up with Louie and Jeff to go back to school . They had met a couple of girls , and we all went back to the girls ' apartment . I stayed in the living room , while they hooked up in the bedrooms . I finally left and tried to find a place to stay for the night . There was a hotel on campus called The Clemson House . I only had $ 3 on me , which would not cover a room , but the desk clerk let me sleep on a sofa in the lobby for $ 3 . That was fine until the next morning , when the janitor came in to clean . When he cut on the TV in the lobby to watch a gospel show , I woke up and made some noise . I frightened the janitor . I am sorry whoever you were . I had missed my ride back to school , so I began to hitchhike . It was 20 miles back to Anderson , and it was Sunday morning . I had walked a couple of miles , when a car came along , and picked me up . It was 3 high school kids in a Cadillac . I talked with them for a while and found out that they had stolen the car from one of the kids ' grandmother . At that point , I didn 't want to be in the car with them , if they got stopped by the police , so I asked them to let me out . They did , and I walked the rest of the way back to school . Fun times . My best friend , as I left for college , was Sonny . He was in the KPBC 's youth group . He and I had a lot in common with music and girls . When I went off to college , I wanted to write to him , as he was back home and two years younger than me , but I decided to do something different . So , The Walter Durst Radio Hour was born . It consisted of a cassette tape . He and I sent tapes back and forth to each other . The tapes had music and other things on them , and we shared a lot of our feelings on them , because we knew that no one else would listen to them . My " radio station " was WOW , which stood for Walter Oh Walter . His was SOS , which stood for Sonny Oh Sonny . I did intros and it was just like a radio program . At times , the tapes would be 90 minutes , and sometimes 30 minutes ( for financial reasons ) . There would be commercials that I would write , and a lot of music . When my grades weren 't doing too good , my parents would take my stereo away , so the shows would have a lot of stuff taped off of the radio . I have one tape today that I kept from Sonny , because it had a lot of Bread music on it . Years later , Sonny gave me some tapes that he had kept of me . Most of the time though , we would tape over the tape that we sent to each other . There are probably a lot of gems that were lost . After about a year , I expanded the shows to go to other people . They were produced exclusively for them . Such as Ellen and Karen , BJ , James , Jimmy , and a few others , but the bulk of them were between Sonny and me . Even when I went to seminary in 1976 , they continued . Here is one intro from then , as I remember it : And now , from studio room 235 of Ft . Worth Hall at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Ft . Worth Texas , it 's the Walter Durst Radio Hour . Idea by Walter Durst ; Written by Walter Durst ; Directed by Walter Durst ; Produced by Walter Durst ; and Jived by Walter Durst . The Walter Durst Radio Hour is broadcast on WOW , which stands for Walter Oh Walter and sent to station SOS , which stands for Sonny Oh Sonny . The Walter Durst Radio Hour is brought to you by the wonderful folks at Irby 's Pies with one flavor - - Peach , and by the Postal Service . The Walter Durst Radio Hour is also heard in Poland , Zambia , Albania , Lesotho , Tibet , Madagascar , and it is the official radio station of Outer Mongolia . And now , here 's Walter Durst . It went something like that with some variations , depending on the location . I would do scripts at first , but then I just winged it . It was creativity run amok . I miss those days . In my first semester , I had to take Botany . It was a required course . I was never good in Science or Math . Thankfully , Math was not a required course . But , Botany was . My teacher was Mrs . Pryor . She was a bit on the heavy set side , and wore glasses . She also had a very thick Southern accent . I was not used to that kind of accent . I came from a more urban setting , where most of the people talked normal . Mrs . Pryor didn 't talk that way . In Botany , you study about cells . Mrs . Pryor pronounced that word as " sails " . She confused me . Why were we learning about sails ? What did that have to do with Botany ? I almost failed her class , because I didn 't understand what she meant . If you teach , please have good diction . Posted by There was a store in Anderson called S Mart . It was located near a shopping center on the outskirts of town . The store sold mainly women 's clothes which were made at the Stone Manufacturing plant in Greenville . Some of the clothes were factory seconds . I needed a part - time job after school , so the Dean of Students got the job for me . He was an older man named Dr . Lawton . He was also very kind . My job there was the Director of Maintenance . I was the only employee doing that job , which is why I was the Director . The store had several employees , mostly all women . The manager of the store was a man , who must have been ex - military , because he was very strict . My duties consisted of mowing the grass outside of the store ; sweeping the inside of the store ; and whatever else . I also found that his business practices weren 't quite kosher . There was a woman in the stockroom whose job was to sew designer labels into the clothes . She had labels from Belk , Neiman Marcus , JC Penney 's , and other stores . I had been working there for about 10 days , when my manager told me that I needed to wax the floors after closing . He showed me the large vat of wax in the stockroom . I had never waxed a floor before , and he didn 't give me any direction . So after the store closed , I went to work . I have never been very good at reading directions , and apparently the directions on the vat said to mix the wax with water . I didn 't see that , and I pumped the wax from the vat into a container and poured it onto the floor . Yes , it smelled , but I thought it was supposed to smell like that . I took the mop and spread it out over the floor . I completed the task and went home . The next afternoon , I reported for work and expecting a pat on the back for a job well done . That didn 't happen . The manager was livid . He fired me on the spot . It seemed that they couldn 't open the door to the store that morning , because I had put so much wax on the floor that the door was sealed shut . So , they went to the loading door at the back of the store . The smell was so bad thI went back to the store to get the money for the last few days , and the manager refused to pay me . I reported that to Dr . Lawton , and he took me out to the store . I was due money for 10 days of work . After some discussion between him and the manager , I was paid a portion of what I was owed . For a few months after that , I would see the manager around town . He would never speak to me , but his face would get real red , as if his blood pressure was going up . He scared me . What is the difference between bullying and hazing ? I don 't think there is much difference , especially to the person that is being hazed . That was what my first semester was like at Anderson College . My roommate was a good guy , but his friends were mostly all rednecks . I didn 't get along with them very well . I associated more with the hippies and the creative folks . They just liked to drive souped - up cars and drink beer . One night , I was asleep , and I heard my name yelled out real loud . I woke up fast to see a large knife headed toward my chest . Just before the blade went into my body , the guy turned the knife around and the handle hit by chest . They all thought it was funny . I about had a heart attack . Another time , they dragged me out of the room and tried to stuff me down the trash chute . I screamed , and they stopped . Another time , they grabbed me by my wrists and hung me over the 2nd floor balcony . Had they dropped me , I would have broken both legs , but they pulled me up . Another time , they moved all of my furniture and bed into the hallway of our suite and locked the dorm door so I would have to sleep in the hall . That one at least had some creativity because the furniture was pretty big . They seemed to enjoy thinking up new ways to make my life miserable . A meeting was held between them and the Dean of Men , and the hazing stopped . One Sunday night , I was riding back from home with my roommate in his car . He was driving very fast up I - 26 , when we came upon an elderly woman driving slower than us . I remember asking my roommate what would happen to us if she looked in her mirror and saw us on her bumper , and she panicked . He said that we would just fly right over her car . That was comforting . I got involved in a couple of clubs around campus . One was the Church Vocations group . I was thinking about going into church work . Another was the Baptist Student Union . The third , and the one I enjoyed the most , was Ivy Leaves . That was the name of the literary magazine for our school . It came out once a year . I was majHe wanted to go to my church , so I led him the three blocks from school to the church one Sunday morning . When we got there , the ushers told us that James could not come into the church . I was insulted that this was because James was black . We argued with the ushers , and they said we could come in if we sat in the balcony . The next Sunday , James invited me to his church , which was all black . They welcomed me with open arms . Posted by I have always liked girls . Some of them I have loved . My first girlfriend was Page in the first grade . Then came others along the way . It was like the old song " For All the Girls I Loved Before " . I think some took pity on me as I grew a little older , but the fact remains that I am straight . I always have been . Not to put down gay folks . I have a lot of friends who are gay . I have had two roommates who are gay . But , I prefer women . One thing I have found in my life is that there is a misconception that all creative people are gay . They are not . There is a misconception that everyone who does Theatre is gay . They are not . It is a label that I have had to deal with . Why am I 62 years old and never been married ? Some would assume it is because I am gay . I am not . I was brought up in a very strict household , and my parents instilled in me that I should be careful in my relationships with girls . For the most part , I was . But , that didn 't mean I was gay . It meant that I respected my parents . I know I may be stepping on toes here , or maybe you may read into this , when there is nothing to assume . When I was in high school , I didn 't have much time for girls , until I was around 16 - 17 . I was having too hard of a time trying to pass school ; shoplift things ; being under the care of a psychiatrist ; and being bullied . I had very low self - esteem , which changed when I met my new friends in 1970 . Girls came back on my radar . So , in the Fall of 1971 , I entered Anderson College in Anderson , SC . As I wrote earlier , it was a junior college and about the only place I could go with my low SAT 's and with some pull from my father . I had been there a couple of days . I went to the dining hall for supper one night , and the line was pretty long . I stood behind a boy and two girls , and they were talking . The boy said that he knew that a gay guy was a new student . The girls wanted to know what he looked like . He said that the guy was thin with glasses , and his name was Walter . He then turned around and looked at me . The girls laughed . He smiled . I could have died . I turned around and walked out of the dining hall . No apologies from those who had wronged me . No apologies from anyone who had started the rumor or repeated the rumor . The fact was that it wasn 't true . I knew it . My friends knew it . I know you would say that I should have stood up for myself . Yeah , I guess so . But , I didn 't . I did prove those people wrong as time went by , but that moment showed me what it is like to be talked about and hearing it . All of the improvement that I had made in the past year about self - esteem and character went out the window , because of those ugly comments . I didn 't know if I should keep going or just end it all . I decided not to embarrass my father , because of all the strings he had to pull to get me into this college . A few days later , I had a chat with the president of the school - - Dr . Rouse . He had known my father for many years , and was instrumental in getting me accepted into Anderson . He asked me how things were going , because I was away from home . It was the longest time I had been away from my parents , and the school was 130 miles from Columbia . I didn 't have a car . I told Dr . Rouse that I thought of AC as being at camp , only longer . He told me that was a good way of looking at it , and that I should stay strong . I guess he had heard the rumors too . Something was said between Dr . Rouse and Mr . Landreth , who was the Dean of Men . They told the students Posted by I had been a part of the Kilbourne Park Baptist Church youth group for about six months . We did everything together . One night , we went over to a girl 's house for a party . She was not in the inner circle of my friends , but she had a nice house . It was decided to play a kissing game , like spin the bottle . The game needed an equal number of girls to guys . There was one more boy there than girls , so somebody had to not participate . That was me . I guess it was because of my acne and shyness that I didn 't participate in the game . So , they all went into one area of the basement to play the game , and I was in another part of the basement , listening to records . One of the girls was named Pam . She was the prettiest girl in our group , and I liked her a lot . It was kind of like " Beauty and the Beast " . As I was listening to " Magic Carpet Ride " by Steppenwolf , she came over to where I was and kissed me on the cheek . She ran back to the others and said , " I kissed Walter ! " Everyone laughed . I turned red . It was my first kiss . Posted by

Granddad was Swedish , but he always referred to his heritage as Scandinavian . Grandmother was a full - blooded Cherokee who had a perpetual smile on her face . Granddad was my mentor throughout my younger days , as Dad was in the military and always gone somewhere . Mom contracted the big ' C ' and passed away in childbirth of a stillborn when I was four and my sister was five . Granddad had a farm in Southeast Missouri that could grow just about anything , and did . We grew a lot of corn and sugar cane . You would know that Granddad brewed some of the best whiskey and bourbon there ever was if you 're a farmer from that area . Granddad 's name was Jeb for Zebadiah . Grandmother probably had another name , but everyone knew her as ' Happy ' because of her smile . According to Granddad , he found Happy when she was only twelve or thirteen . She had wandered off from her tiny village and had become lost . She had been resourceful enough to trap rabbits and cook them over open fires . She was carrying all the rabbit skins so she could use them when she found her way home when Granddad found her . Granddad was a man of nearly seventeen when he found a girl like that , and did what he should have by taking her back to her village . According to the story , Happy was offered to Jeb for two deer a year for five years . Granddad obviously kept his part of the deal , and Happy became Granddad 's . They even had a church wedding when a church was built in the closest community . They already had two children of course , but what was important is that they were a happy couple . Grandmother was a special person and loved my Granddad more than life itself . She would have died for the man if it had ever been necessary , but then she would have given her life for us kids too . She was very unselfish . The one thing she had learned from the ' White Man 's ' world was how to cook . She could make a meal out of almost anything , and it would make your mouth water in anticipation . Her cornbread was known throughout the area as the absolute best . My sister and I grew up in the country knowing that Dad was in in Viet Nam at the end of that war and Desert Storm later . Wherever he was , it wasn 't in Southeast Missouri with his two kids . We knew he missed our mother and knew that he was having a difficult time getting over the loss . He was using the Army to help him get over his grief . Our parents had grown up together and been married when they were both seventeen . She was six months pregnant with my sister , and Dad had enlisted in the Army to support them . He had mistakenly thought that he would train and be stationed at Ft . Leonard Wood which wasn 't all that far from the farm . The good news was that he had finished basic training and was on leave when Sis was born . I was told stories about how that had been a big time celebration . Sis was a week old when Dad took a train out of Springfield to go to a Fort in Texas for more training . I don 't know where all he went during that time , but I know that he came home on leave a couple of months later and Mom became pregnant with me . Dad wasn 't home when I was born since he was freezing in Korea while on an isolated tour . He was gone for almost two years that time , came home once again , wasn 't careful during the reunion , and Mom became pregnant with the child that killed her . You gotta know something about Southeast Missouri . I think this is where the term ' Hillbilly ' came from . The people who lived there called themselves ' scratchers ' . They could scratch out a decent living on three hundred and twenty acres of low mountains and forests . You could file for a hundred and sixty acres and pay a whopping twelve dollar signing fee during the early 1920s . You had to build a house on the land and work the ground . Well , a lot of people figured that a man could file for one plot , and the wife could file for another adjoining one hundred and sixty acres , build a house that straddled both pieces of property , and work what land there was . That was the land Granddad and Grandma lived on and worked . We didn 't have many fields , but there were enough to grow corn and sugar cane . We even grew enough sugar cane to sell some sugar to neighbors for a couple cents a pound . Granddad would make his corn liquor in the caves on the land using the wonderful spring water that was abundant around the area , and was very particular to not let his leavings from making liquor get into the creek water . He had a deep well where he dumped all his leavings and let them settle into the earth . I 'd bet the water wells in the area had a kick to them . We would fill five and ten gallon milk cans with some good aged stuff and take them to Springfield , Branson , down to Fayetteville , and as far as Kansas City when we had a lot of liquor . Who 's going to stop a farmer in a rickety old pickup with a bunch of milk cans ? It was never difficult to sell everything we took to the city . It was always , " When can we get more ? " and " How much can you deliver now ? " We had revenuers come to the farm fairly often to poke around all the buildings looking for cooking equipment , but they never found anything that would give away what we sold . We had cows that justified the milk , we sold some of the sugar we made , and fed a lot of corn to the hogs and cows . This was a working farm that had a big garden that we canned vegetables and fruit from every summer and fall . We had a lot of apple and pear trees that made great apple butter and some hard cider and vinegar that we kept for ourselves . Grandma loved that apple cider when it had a good kick to it . That smile would just get bigger . If you know anything about Southeast Missouri , you know that those people are one hundred percent rednecks . They 'll give you the shirt off their backs , but they don 't tolerate city folk , state lawmen , revenuers , or someone who steals from a neighbor . It was amazing how many people just turned up missing and were never heard from again . They disappeared , and even the car they were driving never surfaced . I don 't know this to be a fact , but I 'd bet they would find hundreds of cars that were lost over the years if they ever drained the Lake of the Ozarks . The local law was good because they didn 't mess with anyone . They harassed the young men who drove too fast , but then they 'd let life go on the way it had for several decades if they weren 't causing any major trouble . Everyone knew where you could get a drink , and everyone knew where a man could find some ' comfort ' as they called it . There were a couple houses on the outer edge of every small town or village that would have the light on the porch late at night . You could find comfort there if the light was on . No big deal , right ? You could get some Saturday night ' comfort ' as long as you were at church Sunday morning . One of the things I defy you to find deep in the heart of that redneck country is a hungry family . Neighbors provided the raw materials for a family to eat if they were having a problem . Young men would cut wood for heat and wood stoves . Those same young men would kill a couple of extra rabbits when they hunted and take the dressed game to those who were hungry . Chickens would find a way to get to those homes , as well as smoked meats that would show up on porches . Women would get together for blanket quilting and making clothing for the kids . These people took care of each other . I 'm sure times are changing even for the folks in the mountains , but I 'd bet they still take care of each other . Granddad was very strict about school . He said that he was glad to have gone to school through the fifth grade to learn to read and write . Grandma had never been to school , but she had learned to read and write . She knew a lot about geography , and showed us kids the world through an old Encyclopedia Britannica . We would often spend a night with her reading about some far off place . She would get the book with the world picture and point to where a place was . Anyway , Granddad made sure that we went to school and that our grades didn 't slip . Sis was always fascinated by boys and young men as she grew up . Our grandparents would warn her off the bad ones , and didn 't harass her about the boys they thought were worthy of her . Sis was a good cook . She could darn a pair of socks with the best of them , and could patch a pair of torn pants in a flash . She must have been good at some other things , because she got married to one of the local farmer boys the week after graduating from high school . Her rented robe covered the rounded belly from her coming first born . I did morning and evening chores , as well as most of the field work , since I was the boy in the family . It was my responsibility to do any repairs on equipment , as well as our pickup and the family car . Our car was a very good running antique 1946 Chevrolet four door . The only times it was driven was to church on Sunday and the grocery store on Saturday . It was also my job to keep the leavings from the stills going down the deep well Gramps had dug . The well would almost fill up and you could smell it if you were within twenty to thirty feet if we had an exceptionally good year . Gramps would have me shoot a couple of varmints such as ground hogs and put them around the covered well so the dead animal smell would overwhelm anyone who walked nearby when that happened . That brings this tale around to hunting . Grandpa had a good double - barreled shotgun and a thirty - thirty lever action rifle that did everything he needed to do . He also had a long barreled Colt . 45 revolver that he would go out and shoot targets with . He said that he hoped he would never need it . He also had a Colt 1911 automatic that he said was a great gun , but he wasn 't a good shot with it . Grandpa took me to the Western Auto store in town when I was ten . He bought me a used new style . 22 semi - automatic rifle that would shoot . 22 shorts all the way to long rifle rounds . This rifle was supposed to be superior to others because you could shoot the inexpensive shorts without it jamming . You could buy what was called a brick of shorts ( 500 rounds ) for five dollars . Gramps paid thirty - nine dollars for the rifle with two bricks of shorts , and a box ( 50 rounds ) of long rifle cartridges . I didn 't get to use the rifle right away because Grandpa kept taking me out and teaching me where to shoot and when not to shoot . He emphasized how the round could carry for a mile and could hit someone or a farm animal . I was always supposed to be aware of where I was shooting . We went out with me carrying the unloaded rifle and he would point and say , ' rabbit ' , ' squirrel ' , and even ' deer ' to see what I would do . I would look to see where I was going to shoot as I would raise the rifle . I 'd lower the gun if it was at a rock bluff . I wouldn 't shoot if it was at an open area with no knowledge what was beyond . I 'd raise the rifle and say , ' bang ' if it was toward the ground . It was September before I was sent out with a rifle magazine full of . 22 shorts . My goal was to bring back at least one squirrel or rabbit . My exciting two hours resulted in firing my new rifle three times and bringing a rabbit and two squirrels home . Grandpa took all the unfired shells from the rifle and counted them . Grandma took the cleaned game and began preparing it for supper . I had passed Grandpa 's test . I didn 't ask for anything special that Christmas because I felt like I had received the best gift for my birthday . Grandpa waited until everyone had opened the couple of presents of clothes that were given . I had made Grandma some kitchen spoons because I had noticed the ones she had were becoming nicked and looked cracked . I found some good oak and carved out six kitchen spoons that were every bit as nice as you could get in a store . Grandpa showed me how to smooth out the spoon and handle . I made Grandpa a belt from one of the deer hides I had tanned . My sister was always easy because she loved rabbit slippers . I would use a couple of rabbits and sew the hides into slippers . Grandpa disappeared and came out of the back bedroom with a used single shot . 410 shotgun . He told me that I had shown him I was ready to hunt for the family . He also told me , " You 're going to bring in your first deer this winter . It will take two deer to take us through spring when the steer we have will be ready to butcher . Grandma said , " I 'll make you a shirt from the deer hides like your grandpa wears all the time . " I used the thirty - thirty to shoot my first deer the winter before my eleventh birthday . It was very cold and I knew that I had to get this over two hundred pound deer home after I got over the excitement of the kill . I cleaned out what seemed like thirty pounds of guts , and saved as much of the stomach and skin of the intestines as possible . There 's no way I could carry over a hundred pounds of deer , so I thought about it in the near zero degree weather . I found a couple of small trees that I could break off and made a travois . I dragged that carcass over a mile back to the house . Gramps came out with some more knives when it was hung up to skin , and we made short work of skinning the deer and stretching the hide . He picked out a couple of pieces of meat to take inside and had me put everything else into the smoke house . I was frozen by this time , but even my sister helped celebrate that I had brought home food for our table . I had a cup of coffee and grandpa poured me a finger of his good stuff and told me it would warm my insides . That stuff lit a fire all the way down . I 'm still not sure whether it warmed me up or I didn 't care whether or not I was still cold any more . I began trapping that winter . Grandpa bought a couple of dozen traps for a quarter a piece at a farm auction , and then taught me all the ways to stake them down and how to camouflage and bait them . He walked with me on a two mile circuit that included areas where we might catch an elusive mink or weasel . We might catch a fox because there were a lot of them in the area . I would leave the house at four thirty in the morning and walk my trap line . I often had to use my . 22 to kill what was in a trap . Getting the traps reset and the game skinned took a lot of time . I still had to do barn chores , but my sister would do the milking and clean up for me . I made almost two hundred dollars from raw skins I caught that winter . I gave Sis sixty dollars because she helped me by doing a lot of my barn chores . I still had to study after supper at night , and it was often difficult to keep my eyes open . I would take my books into the kitchen and do my homework as Granddad would be reading an old newspaper and Grandma would be cutting up some of the game I had trapped . We ate any meat there was on the critter , even though it took a lot of her cooking skill to disguise the gamey flavor of the foxes and weasels . Deer and other mostly plant - eating critters tasted a lot better . I had over two thousand dollars saved by the time I was fifteen . I spent money on presents for birthdays and Christmas , and did as Granddad said to do and donated at least a tenth to the church . I had bought a couple of steer calves at an auction and was raising them as meat for us , but Grandpa said I could get big bucks for them at the market . We argued over it until we agreed to sell one and eat the other in payment for any grain or hay I used . The animal we sold brought me a hell of lot of money . I used the money to buy another three bull calves that would become food and money when they were grown . Granddad was teaching me how to be a farmer . Well , Sis got married to a farm boy without a farm and a dad who was happy to get rid of him . The boy , or I suppose a man now with a kid , tried working for different people in town , but the jobs just didn 't last long . He was said to be a good worker , but he couldn 't get on to a place like the grain elevator where he could work all year . Grandpa had them move into Sis ' room which was next to mine . The idea was to let them use those two rooms and I would sleep on the couch until we built an extra room . Grandpa finally relented and had a propane tank installed . We moved the wood stove to the new summer kitchen where the pantry was and had a gas stove , and bought and installed a gas heating system for the house . What a mess . We had to tear up ceilings and floors to get ducts into the rooms . I didn 't understand why we had to put ducts everywhere when we heated the whole house with a fireplace in the living room and a fire in the woodstove . You just added a blanket when it was cold . We added a room for me and put in good wiring for lights and electrical sockets in all the rooms while we tore up the house . Grandpa actually went to the city and bought a nineteen inch TV . We had to erect an antenna on top of the house , but we could pick up signals from Cape Girardeau , Springfield , and Fayetteville , Arkansas . I had graduated from high school and was trying to get a money job in addition to the farm , when we were notified that Dad had been killed the day before the cease fire . A couple of men from Ft . Leonard Wood came to the farm to tell us . I felt a huge loss , but he hadn 't been home for close to four years at this time , and we only realized that our absentee dad wasn 't ever going to come home . Granddad got his shoe box full of important documents out , and gave me a letter and three life insurance policies . The letter was from Dad who had written it not that long ago . He had sent it to Granddad to give to me in case he was killed . I sat there staring at the envelope within the envelope that had ' give to Barney ' written on the front . My eyes teared up knowing that I would never feel that man 's arms hold me the way they did when he came home and before he left again . I wouldn 't see the pain in his eyes for losing the person whom he loved as no other . You already know that I 'm gone . I 'm with your mom now , and please know that the two of us happily look down on you and your sister . I 'm writing to you because you 're the one who will take care of the family . I have the three life insurance policies that are to be used in a special way . First , is to make sure that your sister , her husband , and baby are taken care of . Second , make sure your grandparents are taken care of for the rest of their lives . Third , I want you to go to a university and get a college degree to support your family for the rest of their lives . I know you are probably figuring on farming that God forsaken farm and imitating your grandfather . That 's probably not a bad idea , but I want you to be more than that . I want my son to become someone people look up to . I 'd bet you still don 't have a girlfriend , and aren 't really hunting for one by the time you get this letter . You were always the practical kid , so I know that you 're waiting for the right one to come along . Go to college . Your grades in school were always at the top of your class . I 'm sure you 'll figure out a way for someone to help your grandpa . Grandpa was watching me read the letter and saw the big tears run down my cheeks . He reached across and patted my hand , " You still have the love of a son for his father . He wasn 't here with you as he could have been , but you still knew him as your dad . You never knew a mother other than your grandmother . I think she has savored raising you and your sister . " I looked at the letter again and handed it to Grandpa . He read it , folded it up , put it back in the envelope , and said , " You have your orders . Figure out how you 're going to do as he told you . " Grandpa got up from the table and left . Grandma was still in the kitchen and put a couple of cookies on a plate for me . She poured another few fingers of Grandpa 's best in the glass and sat beside me . My grandmother leaned her head against my shoulder and said , " We will all miss your dad . He thought he was doing right to support his wife and the baby that was coming . Losing your mother was more than he could handle . It 's time for you to take charge of your family now . We will support whatever decisions you make . " The woman with a permanent smile picked up the glass she had poured for me and almost drained it , leaving a little less than a finger of the good stuff . My grandmother gave me a kiss and left me with the envelopes and life insurance policies . One was for twenty thousand dollars , another for fifty thousand , and the last one was for a hundred thousand . I looked at all the endorsements and saw that Dad had been paying for these by allotments from his military pay . It might take a while to get everything taken care of , but I considered where I was and what needed to be done . Sis 's husband , Burt , was becoming a decent hand on the farm , so I needed to show him what to do all year long . He loved the idea that Grandpa and I would show him how to do everything . The man was willing to learn and we taught him something new every day . He understood that we would sell two and keep one for the family when the beef stock was ready to sell . We 'd use the money to buy more calves and repeat the process . He could continue with the pigs we had or get rid of them , but then we wouldn 't have the bacon , sausage , or hams . I think that he decided to keep the pigs . I taught Burt to trap the same as I had been doing . He loved the idea of being able to trap and skin the animals that would bring money to the family . He was a solid moral family man who delighted in his son , and was excited that his wife , my sis , was pregnant again . His dad wasn 't a very nice person . He would come over and grunt a greeting , while Burt 's mother would be all over Sis and the baby . I took Sissy 's man out when I found out that he had never fired a gun , and we practiced until I was confident that he wouldn 't kill himself or someone else . He was able to bring a few handfuls of quail back for a good dinner . He began bringing rabbits and even a duck home . The guy was a sponge when it came to learning how to farm and hunt . They wrote back for me to apply at the University of Missouri in Columbia . That was farther away than I wanted to be . I knew that it would take more than the usual four years to get a law degree . This was going to require some thought . I went to town and talked to the local attorney , Joshua Barker . He did all the legal work for people in the county . The County State 's Attorney was Jack Forenson , who was probably older than Grandpa . Both attorneys were excited that I wanted to become a lawyer . Jack said that his job would be open soon as he really needed to retire . Josh said that he always had enough business to keep another attorney busy . He said that he handled a lot of illegal alcohol transport cases that kept his bills paid . I wrote to the University of Missouri and was requested to come to Columbia for an interview . This trip required that I drive a decent vehicle , so I drove the ' 46 Chevy sedan . I brought my high school transcript and letters of recommendation from my teachers . I was dressed in my Sunday best with shined shoes and a fresh haircut . My enthusiasm kept people smiling , but I also knew they could see ' hayseed ' in me . The two people talking to me wanted to know what my family income was during the interview . I was stumped because I had helped Gramps do his taxes the last three years , but we didn 't pay any taxes because we didn 't make much money . I told the people that we didn 't make enough money to pay taxes , but I know that we made almost two thousand dollars on sugar and beef the past year . " My dad had insurance policies that he left for me to go to school . He was killed in Iraq at the end of Desert Storm . He left a letter asking me to attend college , so here I am . " The woman said , " You are probably eligible for some state and federal help . Your SAT scores are very high and would entitle you to state scholarships if you had applied . Let us help you fill out your application to attend school after you complete a psychological test battery . I want to see where you stand with others within your age group . " That took all afternoon . The questions were mostly stupid , and asked the same thing in several different ways . I can 't imagine how the answers to the questions were going to give anyone any insight to me and my ability to go to school . I didn 't know whether I 'd like pizza , so I walked to the little place and had a fat Italian beef sandwich . They didn 't have milk , but they had iced tea . I had that and walked back to the university offices . " No , Ma ' am ; I 've not seen a bunch of question like that before . They keep asking you the same thing , but in a different manner . I suppose it 's to see if you 're consistent with your answers . " The woman looked at me for a long time , and then finished reviewing the tests . She left and came back with the man who had been in the earlier interview . The man said , " Would you mind if I orally asked a battery of questions in a very fast manner ? These questions are easy and you shouldn 't have any problem . I 'll ask you a couple of math questions , so here 's a pad and pencil to do any figuring you might need to do . " The two fired questions at me that were similar to those on the questionnaire I had answered . The math questions were all simple , and any of the kids I went to school with could have answered them . I asked , " How do you do this with every potential student who asks for admittance ? " as soon as we were done . " Don 't you have hundreds of people to interview ? " The woman said , " You 're among very few who are applying after they have left high school for more than a year . I can only guess that you have been a major help on the farm . How are those you 're leaving going to handle you not being there ? " I gritted my teeth , and said , " My sister and her husband moved in with their baby . My sister 's husband is a good guy and is working hard to take up the slack of what I always did . We all talked about it and think this will work . Dad wanted me to go to school , so here I am . " The man said , " We 'll have to get confirmation , but we 're recommending that you be given a full scholarship that includes housing and food through law school . You 'll have to pass the LSAT , the Law School Admission Test , but you should do fine if you do well in your undergraduate degree program . Do you have a plan for after you finish law school and take your bar exam ? " " I want to go back home and practice law with the people I know . The State 's Attorney is going to retire , so that job might be open . I know I 'll make a living practicing law there . " I handed it all to the woman who was sitting at a desk just outside the conference room . She told me that I would receive a formal letter of my acceptance within a week . She told me that I should be prepared to spend quite a bit of money for books , as the scholarship didn 't cover that . She said that the university would help me find a position if I needed a part time job to help with my every day expenses . I walked out to the car with a big handful of papers . I was still hungry , but it was already near five . I wanted to get on the road since it was two hundred miles to home . I had left home at five this morning , so I was getting tired in addition to being hungry . I began going through Columbia and stopped at a McDonald 's . I looked at their menu and decided on three of their hamburgers , an order of fries , and a large Coke . I figured that should last me , and it did . I was sitting in the kitchen trying to unwind and eating a cookie , when Granddad came out and poured me about three fingers of his best . He said that he got that way when he had to drive a long distance . He patted me on the back and left to go to bed . I heard my sis and her man doing what married folks do , and wondered if it was as good when she was pregnant . The love was still there and it might even be magnified . I envied the two of them for having found that love . I sipped the liquor thinking that I wanted that kind of relationship , but I really didn 't know any girls I liked that much . There were some from my high school class that were unmarried , but most of them looked down on us country people . I knew I 'd marry my sister if that had been available . I 'd marry any one of my cousins , but they were all happily married farmers ' wives . I wondered why I was so picky . Some of the younger girls at church would give me sweet smiles , but they were still in school and too young . There were just a couple of girls who weren 't married who regularly went to church , but they didn 't seem to want attention from guys . I was sure that I would meet a lot of new people when I went to college . The family sat at the table after chores and breakfast the next morning , while I told about the day before . I showed everyone all the pieces of paper they gave me and then the final brief letter that said that I would be given an invitation to attend their school at the State 's expense . We talked about the costs of going to school , and Sis listed all the things I would need . The big expense was at the end , a vehicle . Granddad told me , " We 'll go see that Nobbe thief in town to see if he has something . We need to ask around first though in case someone has something they aren 't using . You know how to keep a car running , so you can get an older model . You still have all your savings from trapping and beef money . I 'm sure that you have enough to do what you need . Besides that , you have your dad 's money that you might not need for school . " Everyone already knew I was going to the University of Missouri in Columbia at church on Sunday . I think every person in the church came up to congratulate me after the final song and prayer . The word was out that I needed a car , and it was a little white - haired old lady who came up to me and said , " You know that my man passed a couple of months ago . I know you do because you were at the funeral . He had that fairly new truck that would be good transportation for you to go back and forth to school . I want you to have it , and you can do some things for me . Come over this afternoon and we 'll talk about it . " She sat us down and took hold of my hand . " You 're so much like your father . My Judy and your father were sort of sweet on each other , and then that killer tornado came through here and she ran out in it . They found her body down in Arkansas . I think those two would have been a good couple . Your dad became sweet on your mom and they married , but times were bad then and he went off to the service to be able to send money home . Your sister came along , then you , and finally the child that killed her . You were lucky to have your grandparents . I just love Happy to death . She helps everyone and has been sending you to those who need help all your life . Let me help you . " The woman said , " You know that I have a few animals that need to go somewhere , so I want you to take them home and care for them . You might want to share the meat from the beef with me , but I don 't eat much . I have chickens and that means I always have extra eggs . You need to come by and get them . We 'll eventually have enough chicken dinners to get rid of them . I 'll need help getting sacks of grain from the barn to the chicken house meanwhile . There 's going to be some things that will need fixing from time to time . You can do that too . All in all , I think this will be good for you and your family . " " Of course , Barney . These are just some things that need doing . But you have to come to see me and we 'll have some of my man 's sipping stuff when you 're home for holidays . I 'll always remember your father by looking at you . " The beautiful , old white - haired lady pulled out a drawer in the kitchen , and gave me the title to the truck along with all the papers that had come with it when it was purchased . She sat down with a piece of paper and wrote out that she was giving the truck to me for the price of one dollar . She was smiling as she said , " That 'll get that greedy tax collector , Simon , all pissed off that he can 't collect some extra tax money . Be sure to go buy insurance for the truck , and remember to come over and collect the animals so that I don 't have to worry about feeding them . " Grandpa wanted to go look at the stock and we found a cow with a young calf and two steers that were past time to either butcher or ship . Mrs . Snyder said , " I 'll miss my cow , but she needs to be gone . I can 't go anywhere because I don 't have anyone to come to milk her . I might come over in the morning or evening and milk her sometimes . It 's sad to have a farm without any farm animals . " I told this woman , " I 'll milk her for you tonight and tomorrow morning , and we 'll get the stock moved tomorrow . I 'll make sure you get as much milk as you need . Just tell Burt and he 'll do what you want . I 'll make sure that he visits with you often so that you can tell him of any chores he might need to do . I 'll be by to see you and have some of your cookies when I 'm home from school . " I drove the fairly new truck home , noting it only had twelve thousand miles . It didn 't make sense for a farmer 's truck , but he had a cap on it . It was obviously waterproof as there was no moisture in the bed . I was thinking of pulling the cap off , but it would be good to have a dry place to haul my clothes and anything else I needed to take to school . Burt and I had a long talk about what he needed to do for Mrs . Snyder . He understood that she was giving us a lot of food , and the cow would be good for his kids . He said that he needed to find some pasteurizing equipment but I sort of ignored that . That might be too much for us out in the boonies .

Diane Taylor sat aimlessly at the kitchen table . Her long , modest robe had partially come undone to reveal the unpretentious bra and panties she wore underneath . Her body completely drained of any strength , leaving not even the energy to get herself a cup of morning coffee . Her eyes were fixed on the window overlooking the back yard , but she didn 't notice the crystal blue sky , or the left over droplets from last night 's spring rain clinging to the green leaves . On the table in front of her was a torn open envelope from the Cook County District Court . And next to it laid several sheets of unfolded paper . At the top of the first sheet was the heading ; " Termination of Marriage . " This was not a surprise . It had been six months in the making . Still , try as she did , there was just no way to prepare herself for this moment . She was officially without her husband , and without the life she had known and loved for the last eleven years . Yes , it was official , through no one 's fault but her own . She had ruined ' her life ' , her ' husband 's life ' , as well as that of her children . Diane thought back to the first time she saw him . Having a successful career in modeling , she had met hundreds of photographers . Even dated a few . But Dan had something special . At the time she couldn 't put her finger on it . It wasn 't self - confidence . He was confident in his abilities as a photographer he was just somewhat shy in other areas . It wasn 't his good looks , although he was good looking , she had known thousands of good looking men . It wasn 't until their first date that she realized what it was about Dan that set him apart . It was his passion ! Passion for his work , passion for life , passion for always trying to do the right thing whether it was the popular thing or not . And the passion he already had for her . When they met , Diane was in the midst of a successful modeling career . Her face was immediately recognized among the jet - set crowd , but even the woman ahead of her in the check out , at the super market , would stare and say , " I know you , you 're the girl from the magazine . " Yes , Diane was at least , mildly famous , and yet , when she took his arm and walked beside Dan , it was she that puffed out her chest with pride and thought , look everyone , look who I 'm with . Later that morning Dan was in the back room of his studio paying bills for another month of being in business for himself , when he heard the buzzer ring indicating someone had entered the waiting room . He leaned back in his chair and craned his neck back to see who had walked in . Beverly Hall was standing in the doorway . She was not his favorite person . ' Now what the heck does she want ' , he thought . " Bev , " he yelled with a motion of his hand . She looked in the direction of his voice . " Back here , " he said , " Be careful of all the cords and stuff . " Bev carefully maneuvered through the maze of light stands , cameras , and cords that made up the studio 's shooting room , and approached Dan in the rear office . As she got closer , Dan could see she was upset . Her eyes looked as if she had been crying , and her hands were shaking . This was not the Bev he knew . This was not the sarcastic bitch who told Diane about his date with Cathy . This was someone he had never seen before . " You have to stop this , " she said , her voice trembling with emotion . " You have to stop ! You have to go back to her Dan ! You have to ! " " Bev , what 's the matter , is something wrong with Diane ? I 've never seen you like this before . " Dan 's voice now showing concern instead of indifference . " She got the divorce papers today . She was supposed to go shopping with me today , but when I got to the house she was just sitting there , staring at the walls , almost catatonic . " " I wondered , " said Dan , " I 've been trying to call her all morning . I knew those papers were coming . I got mine today too . I wanted to warn her so it wouldn 't be so much of a shock but she never picked up the phone . " " Well is she alright ? " Dan was getting worried . " I don 't know Dan . I walked her up to bed and asked your neighbor if she would stay there for awhile . " " Mrs . Walker , can you do me a favor please . Just peek in on her and make sure she 's okay for me . But do it quietly if she is asleep . I don 't want to wake her . " " Yes Mr . Taylor , just a minute . " The elderly Mrs . Walker took each step slowly as she climbed the stairs and looked into the master bedroom . There she saw Diane , in somewhat of a fitful sleep , still breathing erratically from a morning of crying . Mrs . Walker descended the stairs so she wouldn 't disturb Diane before assuring Mr . Taylor that she was sleeping . Dan thanked her and asked if she could still stay there in case she woke up . To Dan 's relief , the kind neighbor promised she would stay . Bev sat down and accepted his offer . " Dan please , I have known Diane almost all our lives . She loves you , you have to go back to her . " " Tell me how Bev ? " Dan started . " Tell me how to trust her again and I 'll go back with wings on my feet . There was a time when I would never have questioned her fidelity . I trusted her implicitly , but that trust was betrayed Bev . She ripped my heart out . Even if I could get over the hurt , tell me how to get back that trust ? If you can do that I 'll go back tonight . " Dan 's hand was starting to shake now as his emotions climbed from being forced to talk about it again . " Tell me Bev . Tell me how I could come to work and not wonder where she is or who she 's with . Tell me how I keep from being suspicious every time she leaves the house to go shopping or to go have lunch with you or one of her other friends . Please tell me ! Tell me and I 'm back . " " Dan , she hasn 't seen anyone since you walked out . I know her , she would never do this again . " Bev 's voice was also weak as she pleaded for her friend . Dan noticed her coffee cup was almost empty and took it for a refill . " Bev , you may be right , but how would I ever know for sure ? Diane couldn 't live like that either . Can you imagine being under constant suspicion ? How would you feel if every time you left the house you knew Jim would be wondering if you were cheating on him ? If every time you came home , even if he didn 't ask you , you could tell he was wondering where you 've been , who were you with ? And then see doubt in his eyes when you tried to reassure him he had nothing to worry about . " Dan handed her a full cup of brew and filled his own cup again . " I know I couldn 't live under constant scrutiny like that . I 'm sure Diane would be understanding at first , but for how long ? How long would it take me before I started trusting her again ? Would it be before or after she started to resent my suspicions ? How long before she started to resent me for still having them ? " Bev was starting to understand . It wasn 't his ego or his anger that was keeping Dan from going back home . He had thought it out completely and from every angle . She could see he looked for a way back but couldn 't find it . " Bev " Dan said , " Don 't you think I want to go back ? Hell , I 'd give up everything I own if I could go back in time and have everything as it was . By God ! I 've stayed awake nights trying to come up with way to go back and make it work . Some kind of a plan , therapy … something ! But I 've come up empty … Every time , absolutely empty . It all boils down to one thing … ' Trust ' . When I think back to that night I caught her , I just think of her looking straight in my face and lying to me . I can 't forget that , Bev . As much as I love her , I don 't think I could ever really trust her again , not completely . " Now Bev saw the tears welling up in Dan 's eyes . Before , she thought Dan was just being a hard ass . But now she saw this was killing him as much as it was Diane . He just had more strength to deal with it than she did … . That 's all . " Bev , you 've got to help her , " said Dan , " You 're her best friend , and she needs you . Please , no more running to her telling her all about some girl you 've seen me with . " Bev hung her head low . " I know . . . . . I shouldn 't have done that . I was so sorry after I saw how it affected her . I 've been pissed at her too . I knew about Jerry and , to this day , I don 't know why . She didn 't even seem to like him . I didn 't even know about the guy from the bank , so when I found out she cheated on you again , well I just got pissed and when I saw you with that pretty girl I guess I just felt she deserved it . " " That 's just silly , Bev , " Dan said with a scowl on his face , " she needs someone to love and who will love her . She can 't punish herself forever . I don 't want that . " " Well there was another reason she said she shouldn 't date as well , she said she would never bring another man home in front of Amy and Marsha . I think she means it , Dan . I know her and I don 't see her dating , at least not for a long , long time . " " I have a client coming in soon . When I 'm done I 'll close up and go to see her . I 'll talk to her . " Beverly thought for a minute . " Dan , I don 't think that 's a good idea . I wanted to come and talk to you in person . I really thought I could persuade you to go back to her . I see now I was wrong . I 'm going back , I 'll take care of her for awhile . I 'm going to stop by my place and pack some clothes and stay with her and the kids for awhile , but she 's got to learn to face this , to stand on her own two feet . If you go there again she 'll just keep leaning on you and hoping you 'll come back to her . No , let me do it . " " Okay Bev , if you think that 's best , " Dan was doing everything he could again to hold back his tears . " I do still love her you know , that will never change , I 'll love her until I die . I just can 't go back . If I did , I think there is a chance we would learn to resent each other . That wouldn 't be good for her , me , or the kids . " " I know , Dan , I know . I 'm glad I came over . I see everything from a different perspective now . Damn , someone should make a movie about you two and show the unbelievable hurt an affair can cause . I guaranty it would make people think twice before stepping out on their spouse . " As Bev left , Dan had a completely different opinion of her than when she walked into the studio just an hour ago . He always thought he was a pretty good judge of character , but he sure misjudged her . Jim , her husband , was always such a nice guy he wondered what he ever saw in Bev , now he knew . Bev did go back and stay with Diane , for over two weeks . She worked hard to convince Diane that she needed to start getting her life back in order . Finally Diane started to take care of herself again . At least she was getting dressed in the mornings and not walking around in her robe . She was wearing make - up again and looking ravishing . Bev convinced her it was time to start looking for a full - time job . On the Q . T . Dan was calling Bev on her cell phone and getting updates on her progress . He started to feel a little better himself . He certainly took no pleasure in watching Diane suffer . She was the mother of his children and it didn 't do them any good to watch their mother agonizing every day either . A couple months had past with not much happing . Dan , of course , was still picking the kids up every Friday night and dropping them off Sunday evenings . Diane was always very pleasant when she saw him and seemed to finally start to accept the situation . She had just landed a full time job at another bank as a teller . That was good news to Dan . He felt it would help her sense of independence and , hopefully , start to rebuild the pride in herself that she had completely lost . Bev was being a true friend , helping her get her life back on track and being there at the drop of hat if needed . The girls also seemed to be happier . Over the week - end they told Dan they heard their mom laugh the other day , for the first time since this all began . An unrelenting spring was finally giving way to summer . The cool temperatures were on the rise and it hadn 't rained now in over a week . Life was finally starting to move forward again . Dan sat in the studio . It had been an uncharacteristically slow day . What the hell , he thought ; I don 't usually get a chance to go home early , if I leave now I can beat rush hour traffic . Just as Dan was closing up , his business phone rang . He certainly didn 't want to blow off any work so he rushed back in and grabbed the receiver . " Hello , this is Dan Taylor , " he answered . ' Mr . Taylor , my name is Charles Naughton , " came the voice from the other end . " I 'm in charge of promotions for the Georgia Rhythm Section , " he said , I 'm sure you 've heard of them . " " In a couple of months they 're doing a concert at the Red Rose Horizon . RDA records is going to record it for a live album . We need someone to shoot the concert . One shot would be used for the album cover and several more would be used for the albums insert . Of course you would also be given full credit for photography in the insert . Would you be interested ? " This was not the normal kind of photography Dan did . Not that he couldn 't do it , but he would have to rent a lot of the equipment needed . It would also entail an awful lot of preparation time . Still … he thought about his kids . What a thrill it would be for them to be able to take the album to school and show all their friends their dad 's name . " Yeah , Mr . Naughton , if we can come to terms financially , I would be interested . " Mr . Naughton had already a very lucrative arrangement in mind . Dan did some figuring and , even with renting the equipment he needed , it would be well worth the effort . Dan spent the rest of the day putting together a tentative list of equipment he would need . By the time he had things worked out it was the end of the day . For the second time that day Dan turned to lock the front door to his studio when he heard a female voice behind him . Dan turned and saw her . Although she was pretty , she didn 't look like a model . Her short , black , spiked hair seemed a strange contrast to the expensive woman 's business suit she was wearing . She stretched out her hand with a smile . Dan took her hand and shook it . " Ah , yeah , " he said , " I 'm Dan Taylor , can I help you ? " " Well I was hoping to talk to you about some advertising photos I 'd like to have taken , but it looks like I 'm too late . Are you closed ? " " To tell you the truth , I was on my way to get a drink at Plato 's . It 's right around the corner , maybe you 'd like to join me and we could talk there , " Dan liked what he saw and hoped she would take him up on his offer , if not … then he would invite her back into the studio . He wasn 't about to turn down a job . " Yes , " she said with a smile , " I 'd like that . " Dan and Eileen walked the three blocks to Plato 's , sat and talked over a couple drinks . Eileen explained she was a day - trader in the stock market and wanted to have a presentation portfolio done . It had to be elegant in its design and very sophisticated . Something that would present her with dignity and class . Dan couldn 't help but think they were two words that described the woman herself , in fact , this woman exuded the epitome of those two words . As they talked the conversation started to drift from the portfolios to more personal things . At one point , Dan thought about asking her out but backed off . He couldn 't help but think this woman was way out of his league . He had no idea how much money a day - trader made but he was willing to bet it was more than he made . Dan always thought of himself as just a regular , average guy . This woman was more like royalty , he thought . Just as Dan had decided a personal relationship with her was probably not going to happen , she surprises him . " Dan , I really have to get going , " she said , " but I 've had a real nice time . Thank you for the drinks . I 've had kind of a hard day and it was just what I needed . " She reached over and put her hand on top of Dan 's . " How about you let me reciprocate , " she said looking him in the eyes , " why don 't you come to my place some night this week for dinner . I have a housekeeper who doubles as my cook . She makes the most delicious lasagna you 've ever had . Would you be free Wednesday night ? " she asked . Dan loved lasagna but even if he hated it he was not about to turn down an offer like this . Eileen wrote directions to her house on a napkin , then left . As he finished his drink , Dan had to laugh to himself . Today he landed two jobs and date , not bad for a slow day . Dan was in a great mood as he cruised along the Eden 's in route to Eileen 's . He had no idea what to expect but it certainly wasn 't the sight of the tall , Iron Gate that gave way to her property . Holy cow , he thought , I guess she does make more than I do . He pulled up and rang the buzzer at the entrance . In just a moment the massive structure mystically opened as if he had spoken the magic words . As Dan drove up the winding drive a large brick structure with tall columns loomed ahead . Damn , he thought , this place is a mansion . She is way out of my league . As he pulled up he saw Eileen standing in the doorway . He had only seen her dressed in her business attire , now she stood there in a black slinky dress that hugged every curve with a slit up the side that revealed a long , shapely leg . Even her spiked hair seemed to fit the occasion . Dan was in awe as he was given the grand tour . There were fireplaces in almost every room . With each guided step he felt more and more intimidated . He had already given up any hope of having a relationship with Eileen , he felt he had absolutely nothing to offer her . They had dinner in the formal dining room and it was everything Eileen promised it would be . After dinner Eileen dismissed her cook and told h " Well if you walk through the kitchen there , then make a left , you 'll find the wine pantry . Why don 't you pick out something you like and bring a couple glasses out to the living room . " Dan found a wine he liked , found the opener in a drawer in the kitchen and two , expensive crystal wine glasses . He opens the wine and allowed it to breath for a short time , then walked into the living room carrying the two glasses and the open bottle of wine . He stopped briefly to take in the view . Eileen sat kitty corner on the couch with one leg stretched out separating the slit in her dress and exposing a silky thigh almost to her hip . Dan thought he had better sit down quickly before getting embarrassed at the tent rapidly forming in his trousers . He poured the wine and handed Eileen her glass . She looked at him with a small grin as she took a sip . Suddenly it was as if she had just made up her mind , she stood up and reached out her hand for Dan 's . She led him around the corner and straight into her bedroom . It was just what he expected , tall ceilings and a large , four posted bed . Then Dan spotted something that surprised him . On the night stand was a very large bottle of Ultra Glide lubricant with a pump like dispenser on top . It was in plain sight of anyone who entered her bedroom . This woman is just full of surprises he thought . She walked him over to the bed where she sat . Looking him in the eyes the whole time she undid his belt and pulled his pants down to his ankles . She softly cooed as she stroked Dan 's cock through his shorts . As she felt it twitch under her touch she pulled his shorts down and flicked her tongue rapidly over the purple head . Dan just closed his eyes and allowed the moment to happen . He breathed in deeply as she maneuvered her tongue with an expertise he had not known . He felt her hand slip between his legs and toy with his balls . She scraped her nails along the sensitive skin just behind his testicles . He was there . Any second he was going to explode . " Oh , I 'm going to cum , " he warned her just in case she wanted to finish him by hand , but her moist lips never left his throbbing shaft . Just as Dan started to erupt he was surprised by what felt like a finger playing with his rectum . His eyes shot open , his knees started to buckle , he felt his whole body swaying . He felt like he wanted to just collapse in a use up heap on the floor . He fought to stay on his feet . He kept shooting more and more cum down Eileen 's throat and her finger was still working around his little butt hole . This was a totally new sensation for Dan . He had never even thought of allowing anyone to touch him there , but he had to admit , it She screamed loudly and her body twisted as the first orgasm hit her . " Oh , don 't stop , don 't stop , " she pleaded . Dan had no intension of stopping and continued his assault on her hungry love tunnel . The next wave of carnal euphoria washed over her body . She opened her eyes and looked at Dan with the wild look of a jungle cat . Her hips bucking like a prairie stallion . Finally every muscle , every nerve , in Dan 's sweaty body was on fire . He realized he had forgotten to ask if she was on the pill so , to be safe , he started to withdraw but Eileen reached up and grabbed him and round the neck , her legs wrapped around his waist and held him in place as he burst inside her . " Aaaahhh , aaahhhh , oh , aaahhh , oh my God , my God , " was the most articulate he could be at the moment . His climax continued and continued . He thought she was also having another at the same time . Finally , he collapsed on top of her , her ample breasts cushioning the fall . He wanted to roll to the side so he could take his weight of her but she would have none of it . She tightened her grip around his neck and showered his face with kisses . They laid there in each other 's arms not saying a word . After awhile Eileen got up and went into the master bath . Dan could hear the water running and knew she was cleaning up . In a couple minutes she came out with a nice , warm wash cloth and gently cleaned Dan 's privates . Eileen walked into a large closet and returned with two huge pillows placing them under his head . " What time do you have to get up tomorrow ? " she inquired . Dan thought . He was about forty - five minutes further north than his own place , it took him an hour during rush hour . " About six - thirty , " he said . Eileen picked up the phone and dialed two numbers . " Sue , would you give us a six - thirty wake up call , please ? " she asked . " Is that the cook ? " Dan was a little surprised she would announce that I was staying over to her staff , especially since this was their first date . " Yeah , she is up every day at six in the morning . I 've told her several times she doesn 't have to get up that early , but I guess it 's natural for her , so she may as well be our alarm clock since she 's up anyway . " Dan was exhausted and fell asleep almost immediately with his arm around Eileen . This next thing he knew the phone was ringing and it was daylight . On his drive into the studio , Dan could hardly think of anything but the evening he had just spent with Eileen . It was so strange . Her appearance and business like attitude had given him the impression she would be a cold fish in the sack , if he could even get her there , but she was anything but a cold fish . Damn , he thought , he forgot to ask her about the king sized container of Ultra Glide . Once in the studio Dan called Eileen and thanked her for a wonderful dinner and fantastic evening . He heard the smile in her voice as she told him how much she also enjoyed it . Dan told her he would invite her to his place but he was afraid she would laugh at his life - style . She told him that would never happen but since she had all the amenities he should come to her place again . " I 'll tell you what , " she said trying to make him feel a little more at ease , " there is a wonderful pizza place in town . Why don 't you pick up a pizza and come over next Wednesday . " Dan jumped at the offer . The rest of the day you couldn 't remove the grin from Dan 's face , no matter what you did . The week - end was even more exciting . Diane told him to come over early on Friday because she had made his favorite casserole and she was hoping he would stay for dinner . Wow , he thought to himself , two home cooked meals in one week , mind blowing sex with an exciting new woman , and wait until the kids hear about his upcoming job . Dan sat in the living room with a cup of after dinner coffee . The kids came down the stairs with their stuff for the week - end . Dan had found it hard to hold back during dinner but wanted to wait until the right moment before announcing the news . Now seemed like the right time . " Kids , I have a little surprise , " he said being able to hardly contain himself . " Next month , on the twenty - seventh , that 's a Friday , we 're all going out . Diane that means you too . " Diane 's expression perked up a little . " I have just accepted a job to shoot the album cover for the Georgia Rhythm Section . " The girls started to scream already . " Hold on a minute , " he said , " you haven 't even heard the best part yet , we 're all going to their concert at the Horizon , and … I have been given complete access to back stage before and after the concert so you guys are going to have a chance to meet them . " The girls were stunned . He was afraid they had gone into shock . Even Diane was just staring at him . " Diane I need you there to watch them for me . I 'll be busy as hell most of the time and won 't have a chance to be with you guys during the concert but I 'll be around before and after to make sure you guys get back stage to meet the band . " It was like the house had been invaded by a bunch of wild Indians , even Diane was excited . It set the tone for the whole week - end . They laughed and joked around the whole time . Both Amy and Marsha were like their old selves again , happy and carefree . For Dan it was what he lived for . He really was starting to like this woman . They sat and talked for over an hour . Dan found out she was a professional violinist , had several Masters Degrees in various subjects and did all the interior designing for her place . She was a woman of many talents . After dinner she asked Dan if he would like to relax in the sauna . She had a workout room in the back of the house with sauna as well as a Jacuzzi . They stripped off their clothes and spent the next twenty minutes talking in the sauna . Man , he thought , he really could get used to this life style . Dan was actually starting to feel a little more comfortable . He wondered if his ego would allow him a serious relationship with a woman that made so much more money than he did . Well he wasn 't going to worry about it now . They were a long way away from a serious relationship so for right now he was just going to enjoy himself . Dan hadn 't seen the maid so he wasn 't too worried as he followed Eileen through the house naked as jay birds . They made their way to the bedroom . This time Dan took the lead from the first , taking her hand by interlocking their fingers . He pushed her arm around to her back and pulled it up to her thin waist . He took his other hand and gently stroked the side of her face while pressing his lips to hers . This time he was going to make love to her … his way , gently sensually , passionately . As Dan guided her to the bed she seemed to melt in his arms . He kissed her neck and worked his way down . He gently scraped her nipples with his teeth , they grew under his tongue . He worked his way down to a warm , moist , silky smooth pussy . Her body tensed , her eyes closed . He could feel the heat rising in her body . She screamed as the first orgasm hit . Dan continued his oral tribute . Finally she opened her eyes and looked at him . She spread her legs . " I want you inside me now , please , " she said like a wild person , " please I need you now . " He slowly slipped his hard shaft into her waiting body . He started with long strokes stopping briefly just inside the entrance . He teased her with short strokes just inside those heavenly gates , and then he pushed inside her , all the way . " Oh yeah , " she moaned , " fuck me , please . " He developed a rhythm , in and out , in and out until he felt the explosion building deep with - in his balls . Dan quickened his pace . She could sense the impending ecstasy and started to scream . " Yes , yes ! " Dan arched his back and gave one more strong thrust shooting his hot body fluids deep inside of her . They both exclaimed their pleasure vocally as they grabbed each other and held on . It was only moments but it seemed like hours before their bodies simmered down to something around normal . They lay in one another 's arms and just reveled in the glow of their euphoria . She complimented him on his sexual prowess . He returned the compliment . She reached for his cock and with expert dexterity had already started creating life once again . It was just about time for Dan 's next surprise . " Do you have any experience with anal intercourse ? " she asked . Dan immediately thought of her playing with his butt hole last week . His mind shot to an image of her wearing a strap - on and he started to panic . Eileen took one look at him and seemed to know what he was thinking . " I have not , " he said honestly . " Would you be willing to try it … for me ? " She started kissing his eye , his nose , his cheeks , playing a little game of seduction , a game that was working . Dan had to think . He loved making love , but he was always somewhat on the conservative side . Diane and he had done all kinds of things to keep sex from ever getting dull , but he had never , ever screwed anyone in the butt before . " Well , " he said a little hesitantly , " I guess I could give it try but I have no idea what I 'm doing so please don 't be too disappointed . " Eileen reached over for the pump dispenser of Ultra Glide . Well , his curiosity about that was now satisfied , he thought . She took a generous amount and smeared it all around Dan 's now rock hard cock . She turned over on her stomach and stuck a rolled up pillow under her giving Dan clear access to her puckered up pink hole . Under her directions Dan experienced another new sensation as he glided his shaft inside her tight orifice . It was a different feeling . It held his cock tighter than any pussy ever had . The lubricant allowed him to slide in and out with no trouble . He felt her body go rigid under him . It wasn 't long before Eileen 's body was enveloped with explosive pleasures . " Yes , yes , yes , " she screamed . Dan was lost in his own carnal exploits . He wasn 't thinking of the kinky connotations with which he first associated anal intercourse , no , not at all . This was new and exciting . Just as Dan started to burst Eileen was also enthralled in the throes of the most powerful orgasm she had , had in a long time . The two of them lay there , each giggling at their erotic exhaustion and fulfillment . Dan 's mind was working overtime . Could he allow himself to fall in love with this woman , he wondered or would she just break his heart ? He wasn 't sure if she was the kind of woman that fell in love and if she did , could it possibly be with someone like him ? Just then Dan got his last surprise of the night . Eileen rolled over toward him . Her breasts pushed against his chest . She raised her left leg and slid it between Dan 's legs gently resting her knee on his genitals . She tenderly caressed his face with her hand . " Don 't look now , " sShe smiled and returned his kiss . Without speaking the words they each knew they had made a commitment to one another . They cuddled in the comfort of each other 's bodies and drifter off into a deep , peaceful sleep . For the next couple of weeks Dan 's elation was tempered by doubts . He was now spending almost every night with Eileen and growing more and more in love with her by the day . He just didn 't know if he could handle being rich . Would he like her friends ? Would she like his ? Their worlds were so far apart . Could his ego handle not being the bread winner ? It would be different he thought , if she just made a little bit more than he did . But in her world his income was totally insignificant . Then there was Diane . He had not told her or the kids about his on - going relationship yet . How would they handle it ? Everything was going so good right now , he didn 't want to ruin it . To his dying day Dan will never forget the jubilation he saw in his daughter 's faces as he took them and Diane back stage to meet each member of the Georgia Rhythm Section . Both Amy and Marsha were treated like royalty by each band member . They all signed the girls programs and included a special little notation . They posed for pictures . The drummer even flirted some with Diane . Dan had been a professional photographer for more than twenty years . He loved what he did , but never had his profession given him more pleasure than it did at that moment as he looked into the eyes of his daughters . He was their hero and he hoped he would always stay that way . A couple weeks later most of the excitement died down . Dan printed up several of the pictures he took back stage , blew them up poster size and framed them for the girl 's rooms , at the house as well as his place . His relationship with Eileen was still going strong and building with intensity by the day . For the first time since meeting her he was actually visualizing a life together . He had not mentioned his relationship to either Diane or the girls . Everything was going so well , he just didn 't want to take a chance . He had to though . He was planning on asking Eileen to marry him . He couldn 't keep it a secret any longer . Dan called Beverly . If anyone had inkling on how to spring the news with the least amount of pain it was her . They had a long talk . Bev told him it would definitely be a shock and it would be difficult , but she assured him Diane was strong enough to take the news . At the end of the conversation she congratulated Dan and wished him a happy life with Eileen . Eileen and Dan had never been together on the week - ends because of Dan 's commitment to his kids . Eileen understood and never pushed to invade Dan 's time with them . Dan 's plan was to tell Diane and the kids this Friday night , then take the kids to meet Eileen . When he explained his plan to Eileen she was less than enthusiastic . " Dan , I just don 't know if that 's a good idea , " she said . Being told you have a girlfriend will be hard enough on them , but if you bring them here it might really overwhelm them . " " Do you have a problem with my daughter 's ? " he asked . " Oh Dan , Dan , Dan , " she said with an apologetic voice , " No , of course not . Please don 't even think that way . I just think it would be better if they met me on neutral ground . I want them to like me , that 's all . " " Listen , " she said , " how about this . I still have not seen your place . In all the months we 've dated you have never invited me to your condo . Could you get the girls over there sometime during the week next week ? I really think you should spend your week - end alone with them . I don 't want to encroach on your quality time with them . Let 's arrange something early evening for one night next week at your place . " Dan thought about what she said . Maybe it would be better to meet at his place . He agreed . Now he had to gather up all the courage he could and tell Diane and the girls of the new woman in his life . For the first time , Friday evening came too soon . He was nervous as Diane invited him in . She greeted him with a kiss on the cheek like always . " Where are the girls ? " he asked . " Yeah , " he said , " that would be great . I 've got something to tell you anyway . Maybe it would be better if I told you alone . " " I already know , " said Diane . " Bev stopped in earlier . I was going to let you sweat it out and tell me yourself but I couldn 't put you through that . " A title wave of relief washed over Dan . Good old Bev , he thought , I owe her . " And you 're okay with it ? " he asked Diane . " I don 't have much choice do I ? Bev and I have had many conversations about you and me . She made me look at the situation from your point of view and I understand . I also better understand what I did to you . I not only hurt you then but your hurt , as mine , goes on and on and on . I wish you only happiness my love . " " I know my darling , " she said with an even greater amount of sorrow in her voice , " I know . " " Diane what about you ? Is there anyone in your life ? " " No , not at all . My life has changed . I 've committed myself to being a single mother and to care of our girls as well as I can . I have no interests in men . In the first place , when I do look at a man I immediately compare him to you . Funny thing , they just never measure up . I just can 't help it . " Just then the girls came down with their overnight bags . Marsha jumped on his lap and Amy hugged and kissed him . Dan thought it might be better if he waited until he was alone with them before telling them about Eileen . Dan waited until Saturday morning . He took them to breakfast at their favorite restaurant and explained the situation to them . " I hope you can understand , " he told them , " this doesn 't mean I don 't still love your mother , I do and I always will , but we just can 't live together anymore . Eileen and I are in love . We make each other happy and I want to ask her to marry me . That doesn 't mean she is going to take the place of your mother , no one could ever do that . " Dan looked at his two lovely daughters . Both girls had tears their eyes . ' Why did everything always have to be so damn hard ' , he thought . Dan went on to explain that Eileen was not taking him from them . He would always be their father and always be a part of their life . The more Dan talked the more the girls seemed to be accepting the situation . By the time they left the restaurant Dan was feeling a little easier . Now I just pray they like her and she likes them , he thought . All day Wednesday Dan was on pins and needles . He had it cleared with Diane . He would pick up the girls at seven to meet Eileen and would have them back home by nine . Eileen was already sitting in Dan 's condo when he left to go pick them up . Dan , as well as the girls , was pleasantly surprised when they returned and saw Eileen holding two brightly wrapped packages . " Now ladies , " she said with a big smile , " I know you 're probably going to think I 'm trying to bribe you to like me but … well you 're right , that 's exactly what I 'm trying to do . Open them up and see if I 've succeeded . " The girls ripped into their gifts . Dan had talked so much about his daughters Eileen already felt she knew them . Marsha shrieked when she saw the beautiful doll and Amy was just as ecstatic with her Disney classic movie collection . That cleared the way for a wonderful visit . Eileen was wonderful . She got the girls to talk about school , their favorite things to do , and even got Amy to admit to having a boyfriend at school . Something Dan knew nothing about . By the time he took Amy and Marsha back home they were old pals with Eileen . They showed their mother what Eileen had bought for them before running upstairs to get ready for bed . Dan stayed behind for awhile to assure Diane that Eileen would never try to take the girls from her . Eileen would never try to replace her as their mother or compete for their attentions in any way . Just like old times , Dan joined Diane and tucked the girls in bed . He kissed them both on the forehead and with a small tear in his eye , said his good nights . Everything seemed to be going even better than he had expected . The more Dan thought about it , the more he felt he was ready to ask Eileen to marry him . God , he though , after the way his last marriage broke up jumping in again was really scary . They had been dating all summer long and had grown to love one another , he thought , that 's all the counts . Dan also had a pretty good summer financially . It allowed him to splurge on an engagement ring . This coming week - end was Labor Day . There was a fireworks display in town that night . Diane and the kids were going and asked Dan if he 'd like to join them but Eileen was having a big party so he had to decline . He couldn 't miss this party . He had it all planned out . He envisioned them both slipping into bed exhausted from the day . He would have the ring hidden under his pillow . It would be perfect . He called Eileen and told her he would be there early Saturday to help her with all the preparations for the party . He was surprised when she was insistent that he not show up until the party started at four o ' clock . She said her and her staff had everything all set and he would only get in the way . Again he offered his assistance but his offer was rebuked . Finally he relented saying he would be there at four . Dan was extremely surprised when he hit the code for the gate and saw all the cars there already . He had expected to be one of the first arrivals but to him it looked like the party had been going on for hours . Dan started introducing himself to Eileen 's friends as soon as he walked in the house . He looked around for Eileen and saw her in the back yard . As soon as she saw him she ran to him with arms stretched out and hugged him . " Let me introduce you to everyone , " she said with an enthusiastic smile . Dan was still a little confused as to why everyone was there so early but both Eileen and Dan were too busy being hosts for him to worry about it . The day was going well . Most of Eileen 's friends seemed to like Dan and vice versa . As early evening approached Dan was designated the official cook and started grilling up a batch of hamburgers and brats . Feeling a nature call coming Dan handed over temporary duty to one of the guest and made his way to washroom . He tried the door but it was locked so he went to the other washroom which was also occupied . Dan was sure the master bathroom would be free so he headed toward the bedroom . As he approached he heard voices . He recognized the one as Eileen . She was talking to one of her girlfriends . He was just about to enter the doorway when he heard the other woman say , " So , have you made up your mind yet ? You lucky girl . Most of us would die for either one of them , you have them both eating out of your hand . " Then he heard Eileen . " Yeah , I know . Brad 's cock is a little bigger but Dan 's actually the better lover . " They both giggled . " How did you ever keep the two of them from meeting all this time ? " Inquired the friend . " It wasn 't as hard as you would think . Dan has his kids on the week - ends so I just told Brad I was too busy to see him during the week and could only see him on the week - ends . It worked out great , " Eileen said with a small laugh . Dan could not believe what he was hearing . It all became clear . The reason she didn 't want him to come by on the week - end is because that 's when she and this Brad were together . He was probably here earlier . That 's why she didn 't want him here to soon . She figured out some way to get Brad out of here before he came . Dan didn 't know how much more he could take . He did know one thing … it would be a long time before he gave his heart to another woman . He heard the girls again . " So come on , " said Eileen 's girlfriend , have you made up your mind yet , which one gets the grand prize ? " The expression on the girls faces were that of pure shock as Dan entered the room . " I can save you the trouble of choosing , " he said . Then turned and walked out of the room . Dan heard Eileen yelling at him as he drove out of the big iron gates for the last time . " Daddy , daddy , " yelled Amy and Marsha . Diane looked up and was surprised to see Dan standing there . As the sky lit up with the colorful show Diane could tell from his posture something was wrong . Dan squeezed in between his two lovely daughters to cuddle on the blanket they had spread on the ground . He put his arms around them both . Diane reached over and held his hand as they all watched the explosive display announcing the end of summer . When Dan got home that night there was a message on his answering machine .

Mom seems a lot better . They put her on steroids for that horrid cackling in her chest which on Friday she was already sounding a lot better and much less coughing . Today when I went there they had her sitting up in a chair . Her legs seem to be less swollen too which is a good thing . She said she saw the doctor and he told her she would get out on Monday . So we 'll see what happens . I don 't mean to be cryptic about this but something might be different when Mom goes back to the nursing home . The social worker called me on Thursday right before I went to the hospital ; she said mom may or may not be going back to the same room . I guess I 'll find out when she goes back . It seems very curious to me . 1 . While I love the google reader , I 'm finding it hard to comment some times . I want to think about my comment for awhile and then I forget where I wanted to go back and comment . 2 . Last Sunday , it was in the 40 's . It almost felt like spring . This week - not so much . In fact we 're in the middle of a blizzard . 3 . McDonalds - I liked the Filet O Fish commercial better last year . Although hopefully , this new one will grow on me but I just don 't laugh every time like I did with the other one . 4 . Enough with the celebrities and politicians apologizing and confessing already . Most of its none of our business anyway . 5 . I enjoy watching the Olympics but I 'm looking forward to going to sleep at a decent hour . 8 . I think my luck is running out with the tooth that was hurting in December . It feels like it 's starting to hurt again . Uh oh , not good ! ! 9 . My husband is sick with what seems like a terrible cold . I hope he doesn 't end up with the flu , since he didn 't get a flu shot . I just had him drop me off at the hospital . Not much really to report for now . I was at the hospital about 3 1 / 2 hours and so far they didn 't do anything . They asked a bunch of questions and were waiting for the doctor to call to see what they needed to do . Actually , she looks pretty good . Like nothing is wrong until you hear her breathing . It kinda reminds me of a wheezing and cackling . I could hear it clear across the room . We were lucky . She didn 't have to go through the ER , she got direct admitting which saved a tremendous amount of time . I suppose when I go tomorrow I will find out more . I got a call from the nursing home and they are taking mom to the hospital . I 'm waiting on a call back from the nurse . She said although mom said she feels good , the nurse said her wheezing has gotten worse . Please keep her in your thoughts . Posted by At first I noticed the dog scratching a lot but he used to do that at mom 's house . I kept thinking he might have fleas . My husband kept combing him with a flea comb but it was fruitless . I still thought he might have fleas but then convinced myself since he sheds so much , he must be scratching from that . Until one time , my husband went to mom 's to pick up her mail and he said when he went in her house , ferocious fleas jumped on him fast . They were all over his white socks which after I looked on the Internet I found that 's a good way to tell if you have fleas in the house . I guess they are attracted to the light color . When he came home and told me , to say I was freaked out was an understatement . I was so frantic , I could hardly function at first LOL . Once I was able to regain my faculties , I fiercely and with great fervor washed everything in hot water that I could see . My husband vacuumed all the furniture . My sister - in - law told me about this medication that would kill any adult fleas that were on him immediately . We were giving him a monthly flea medication but when I took it from Mom 's house I forgot to check the expiration date and found out it was expired . Then we my husband had to deal with mom 's house . We didn 't really want to do a flea bomb or whatever they are called ( they seem frightening ) . I found this spray on the internet and he went and bought it . He had to go over a couple of times and spray it all over her furniture but eventually he got rid of them . I then felt funky about the van thinking that they were probably in there as well . I made asked him to vacuum out the van and spray it too . Monday , I had my appointment with the oncologist . Luckily , everything seems to be okay . He said I could come back in a year but I said I 'd be back in six months . I just don 't feel comfortable waiting a year . I 'll be stopping my medication that I 'm taking in July from him because you are only supposed to take it for 5 years and time will be up . Then it will be scary . When I 'm taking the medication I at least feel I 'm still doing something . It will be strange to not have to take it . So , I 'll go in six months again . Be all nervous , for a month before I go and hopefully , everything will be good . I don 't think I 'll ever get over the feeling of being nervous when it 's time to go . Mom isn 't doing so great . When we there on Friday I noticed her coughing a little . By the time we got there on Sunday they were doing breathing treatments on her . Monday as we were driving to see her the nurse called and mom was worse . They called the doctor and he put her back on oxygen . They were also going to do a chest x - ray . When we got there mom was not pleased with having to be on the oxygen but I could tell her cough was worse . Also , she had a problem with her roommate during the night . Because she was so aggravated about the oxygen and not being mobile I couldn 't get a clear picture of what happened . The nurse said she had to report it to the director . Tuesday when no one called about the x - ray , I finally was able to get a hold of the nurse . They put her on an antibiotic because she 's been running a low grade fever . She doesn 't have pneumonia but she does have congestive heart failure so they doubled the dose again for the water pill . Plus the breathing treatments and they will be checking her blood . The same nurse that was there Monday was there Tuesday and she said she thought mom was worse . When they were taking her to the day room , she said mom was having such a hard time breathing that she couldn 't wheel herself down like she normally does . I asked how it went with the roommate over night and I guess it went okay but the social worker is supposed to talk to the roommate some time . Why is it , as soon as you get one thing off your mind something is always waiting to replace it , ugh ! ! ! It 's not like I don 't have other things I have to work out . I 'll have some cheese with my whine LOL . So the rest of the story , Our son had his operation shortly after the doctor talked to my husband and myself and every thing went well . At that time , they kept you in the hospital for 7 days after a C - section or at least that 's how long they kept me . I was very concerned that since I couldn 't bond with my son being stuck in the hospital , I told my husband not to come and visit me to stay with him . Naturally , he didn 't listen and would go to my son , then me and then back to stay with our son overnight . Plus , he still had to go to work . My husband learned how to feed him and change his diapers before me . I think my husband really enjoyed this time alone with him . Although until this day , he is still mad that they didn 't let him stay for the C - section . Here 's a picture when he was 4 days old . Look at all that big thing on his arm . Poor little guy . He also looks a little beat up on his face . The OB told us at the time he got stuck and couldn 't get his shoulders through . He said I had something called a Bandl 's Ring which was an hourglass shaped uterus . He said he had only read about it but never saw anyone that had it . All these years , I never thought about googling it . Well I did , and either he was incorrect about what a Bandl 's Ring was or he didn 't know what he was talking about . Finally , the day arrived that I was getting out of the hospital . We went right to our son . I was never so happy in my life to see someone . All I had seen were a few not so good Polaroid pictures up until then . He was such a tiny guy . I actually saw him when he was 7 days old but I liked this picture better LOL . He is 8 days old here . I couldn 't breast feed . He had to use preemie nipples on the bottle . He was so weak that I had to push his little chin up and down so he could eat . He was pretty healthy otherwise . All he had to do was gain weight two consecutive days and we could take him home . He finally did . He had lost a lot of weight while he was there and when we brought him home on March 4th , he weighed 4 lbs . 4 ounces . He was tiny . I remember I had this little pillow that someone had made for him and we used to put him on it and we would be so surprised that his whole body fit on it . We used preemie nipples for quite a while and it was months and months that each time I fed him , I would write down exactly how much he ate . Finally , when I told the pediatrician I was doing that he just told me stop it already LOL . In the beginning of 1983 , he had to have two operations to fix his problem and since then everything 's been good . This was sometime after he was 12 months old but I 'm thinking it must be an older picture , because I doubt I would have had him with no sleeves so it must have been summertime . Thanks for going down memory lane with me . I 've already forgotten so much since then . It 's good to have it written for my own sake . I still can 't believe he 's 28 . It seems so weird to me that 28 years to the day this all exactly happened . I 'm sure other birthdays have followed the same weekend pattern but I just never paid attention to it . Must be because I have a blog now LOL . All I remember is going into the operating room and waking up in the recovery room or in my room ( it 's fuzzy to both of us where I was at ) . We had a son born on Monday , February 22nd , at 3 : 44 a . m . He weighed 4 lbs . 11 ounces and 17 " long . There was something wrong with him and he was going to be transferred to the childrens hospital . They brought him in a covered bassinet so I could see him . It seemed like it was only 2 seconds and he was gone to another hospital which was about an hour away from where I was . I 'm not going to say what was wrong but it was something I never heard of before . We figured our son was in good hands and my husband went home to sleep because he had been up all weekend with me . A couple of hours after my husband went to sleep he received a call from the doctor that would be treating our son and he went down to talk to him . The doctor even called me at the hospital that same day to explain things . It turned out my son would need to have an operation to temporarily fix what was wrong and then when he was older it would be fixed permanently . The doctor told us this would be only the second time he used this type of operation because the previous type of surgery didn 't have as good a results . It was comforting in some ways because it seemed like there would be a better conclusion but yikes , only the second time he did it . This is a picture of him when he was one day old . It was taken with one of those old Polaroid cameras . Hopefully , I 'll be able to finish this story up tomorrow . Posted by This weekend in 1982 , was very eventful for my husband and me . I was pregnant at the time and our child was to be born in the beginning of April . I had had two miscarriages previously . The whole pregnancy I didn 't feel well and in the beginning I had a little bit of bleeding but it had stopped . At first , I had to stay off my feet a lot . On that Friday in February , I noticed some bleeding again , called the doctor and he sent us to the hospital to be checked and monitored . I stayed over night and they were going to release me the next day because it had subsided . Before I was to leave , the monitor showed that I was starting to have contractions . I was too early to have the baby so they gave me pills to try to stop the contractions and I wasn 't able to keep them down . Then they tried an IV but I started having trouble breathing . Out with the IV . It was decided that I was going to have the baby , WHAT ? ? My husband and I had been to some Lamaze classes but hadn 't finished them . The rest of Saturday wasn 't so bad but Sunday the contractions got worse ( at least to me ) . We were exhausted by then . They started giving me pain medication ( pills ) . I remember I felt kinda out of it , sleepy and extremely warm when I wasn 't having contractions . My husband kept getting me cool washcloths and putting them on my forehead . The nurse kept trying to get me through the contractions . I think the furthest I was dilating was 4 centimeters . This is the kinda fuzzy part to me because I was doped up LOL . It was some time during Sunday night things had changed . Our son 's ( which we didn 't know at the time was a son ) heart beat started to slow . It was decided that I had to have an emergency C section . All I remember was the next thing being pushed to the operating room and before going to sleep hearing them say " We have to hurry up or this baby is not going to make it " . I don 't remember why but my regular doctor wasn 't there . I was going to have a doctor that I quit after having my two miscarriages because I didn 't like him , oops . February 22ndHave a good weekend . During the summer , a lot of people go to Lake Erie for boating . There are all kinds of boats on the lake . My husband goes fishing there with his buddy . There are all kinds of fish but he fishes for Walleye and Perch . He 's probably one of the few fisherman that when he doesn 't catch fish he doesn 't mind . He is entertained and enjoys just being on the water . Quite a few years ago , he bought a small boat but has only used it a handful of times . Circumstances always seem to prevent him from taking it out . We live about twenty minutes to a half hour from Lake Erie . When I was a kid , we spent many a day there having picnics and swimming . I don 't have any pictures from then but we do have old movies of us being there with family and friends and we looked very enthusiastic . While I love that we have the lake , I 'm not much for boating . I went once when I was young . My aunt and uncle ( who weren 't really but they were my parents friends ) had a recreation boat that we went on . Then when my husband and I were dating his friend had a boat that we went on and stayed overnight . When I woke up in the morning from sleeping on the boat , my eye was enormously swollen and closed up . We had to hitchhike to a hospital and they said I had a spider bite . Yuck ! ! It was quite embarrassing . One of the rides we hitched was with two guys in a truck . We noticed there were no keys in the ignition just wires . They said they couldn 't find the key . I have a feeling we may have been riding in a stolen vehicle LOL . Anyhow , I didn 't do so well and got seasick . That pretty much ruined me from having any kind of love for boating . Right now there is a big concern that Asian Carp might filter into Erie . From what I 've read about them , it wouldn 't be good . They are trying to figure out a way to avoid allowing this evil carp not to get into the lake because it would be very damaging . Also , I 've seen where they are jumping carp . They can jump into a fishing boat or recreation boat and hit a person and hurt them . Sounds nasty LOL . Also , there is talk about putting wind turbines in Lake Erie . Right now I think they are going to be doing a study to see if it would have an adverse affect on the wild life . I 've read too that some think it would ruin the beauty of the lake . So who knows . I think it would be excellent though for the City of Cleveland . I didn 't want to get too far past the opening ceremonies of the Olympics without mentioning how much I enjoyed it . It thought it was one of the best Opening Ceremonies I 've ever seen . Good job Canada . You should be proud . I 'm surprising myself by watching much more of the Olympics than I thought I would . I 've watched some events I 've never seen . On Friday , when we were sitting in the lounge area with Mom I noticed they seemed to be starting to pass out the balloon bouquets , I thought they were getting them on Valentine 's Day . We waited for a while and then it was time to go because Mom was going to eat lunch . We said our goodbyes . Before we left , in the hallway the ladies were selling Valentine Day cards and I stopped to buy a couple . As I was paying , my husband noticed that Mom was getting her balloon bouquet . We went back in to see if Mom liked it and she did . The girl put them in her room but we didn 't go to see where she put them . When we went on Sunday , I was going to take a picture . The mylar balloon was still standing tall but the three regular balloons were not . Also , they were on the roommates dresser and not on Mom 's . Mom said that the girl had put the balloons on Mom 's dresser with the TV and when the regular balloons started losing air the roommate told Mom she couldn 't see the TV . She then moved them to her dresser . Mom didn 't seem to mind . We noticed about a week and a half ago , the tanks coming to the nursing home for the balloons . I think they just inflated them too soon . I decided on Monday when we went to take a picture of them anyhow . I 'm sure they looked great when all the balloons were flying in the air . I don 't know what happened to the little pink paper that was on them that was supposed to say , " Happy Valentines Day . We Love You " with our names either . You can see Mom 's TV and dresser where they are supposed to be . Last Wednesday , I went out with my Dinner Friends . It was crummy weather when we went ; snowy and windy . We were celebrating Magellan 's birthday . I 'm glad we didn 't postpone it because you never know this time of year what it 's going to be like ; it could have been worse . She picked the Outback . Magellan and I didn 't even get lost this time , although that could have been because we 've been there before ; - ) I had an excellent meal . A salad with honey mustard dressing ( I never had this kind of dressing and it was good ) , baked potato and spare ribs . I used to when my son was home get the whole rack of ribs and take half of it home for him but I didn 't this time . We bought a bottle of White Zinfandel between 4 of us . I usually don 't get dessert but I ordered something to take home . They had this desert called Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Pie with whipped cream and I just had to try it . After I was home for a while , I made a cup of coffee and tried the pie , even though I was stuffed . I barely finished it but somehow I managed . It was very good . I probably went to sleep about 11 and didn 't wake up Thursday until after 8 a . m . I still haven 't been sleeping well but I slept like a log LOL . I don 't know if it was the wine or all that food I ate but I felt very rested . Posted by 1 . I 'm kind of like the official owner of mom 's dog now . I had to get a new license for Corky and put myself as the owner . I didn 't really want to do it but if he got lost , I needed for them to have my address . I also decided I 'm going to switch vets to where we used to take our dog . 2 . Snow , snow , snow . It 's getting to me . I want spring to come but the way this year is flying by already , I guess I can wait . It seems the older I get , the faster time goes . 3 . I really didn 't have a team in the Super Bowl . I watched the first quarter . Then came back for the 4th quarter . When I saw the Saints , who weren 't expected to win were coming back , I started rooting for them . 5 . Mom had a pretty good week so far . They had some kind of entertainment - a banjo playing singer . Sunday she will be getting her Valentine balloon bouquet . They are going to be having a Mardi Gras party . 6 . The Olympics start tonight . I will definitely watch the opening and closing ceremonies . The rest I 'm not sure . I used to watch as much as I could of all the events but the last few times I haven 't . I 'll probably watch the ice skating at least . 7 . I 've been working on my knitting for Christmas . I got quite a bit done already . This is good because if something comes up and I can 't work on it , I won 't have to be concerned that I won 't get it done . 8 . We 're on the budget for our gas and electric . With only being the two of us now , slowly our budget is coming down . Yippee ! ! If you don 't see me on next week that means my computer bit the dust . I spent over an hour or so trying to get online and get the computer working and finally did . Who knows for how long . Posted by In 2007 , we decided to fix up the outside of our home . We knew my husband would be retiring soon . We were going to get a new roof , gutters , siding , front , back doors and new storm doors while we could still afford it . I won 't say the name of the store but let 's just say it may rhyme with blows or may not . Now I love this decorative cranberry colored door ( the inside of the door is painted in a wood color ) but it took at least two times for them to get it right . ( It may have been more than two times but when the hard drive crashed I lost all the documentation ) The first time there was damage of a big scratch on the door . The front storm door also had to be reordered . There were little scratches on the aluminum . When the second one finally arrived and was installed , I noticed there was a crack in the glass of the top window . He was going to reorder another door . I thought we were doomed . However , we had the original one that had the scratches and my husband suggested that perhaps he could just change the window from the other door . We were delighted that he was able to that . The back doors we decided to go with white ( I 'm still not sure that I like having different colors on the front and back but oh well ) . What could be easier ? Shouldn 't be a problem right ? Oh contra ire . It was disastrous . The guy took the whole old frame and door out and then realized when he tried to put in the new frame and door , he originally measured wrong . It was the right width but the wrong height . He had to put the new wrong frame and door on since he wrecked our old one taking it out . He then reordered the door . The next time he brought the new door , it was the right height but the wrong width . Then he called up the store to see if they might have one in stock and they did . We were delighted until he went and got it . We noticed it was unpainted and instead of the slats being inside the double panes of glass they were on the outside . The customer service guy tried to talk us into taking it , which we declined . The only door that never had to be reordered again was the back storm door which dumbfounded us at the time . It was suddenly a different feeling , until days later we did notice a slight flaw between the double windows which we called about . Someone was suppose to come and look at it but never did . We decided to just live with it becauSo , needless to say , I 've vowed never to buy anything from the nameless store that may rhyme with blows or may not that has to be ordered again . They were just lucky that I didn 't have a blog at that time because I wouldn 't have been very delicate about my dismay . The End . Do you do Facebook or Twitter ? I don 't . Heck , I just started blogging not too long ago and didn 't start out very good with it . I know people do Myspace , Facebook and now Twitter . I 've gotten a couple of invitations in the past to friend some people on Facebbok but I didn 't want to . I really have all I can do to keep up with the blog . I know a lot of people connect with people from their high school but my feeling kinda is , if I didn 't talk to them in high school why would I communicate with them now . Twitter I really don 't get . People seem to really love it . Although I know there are times like in a crisis people can get the word out fast . I guess that is a good thing . I am just behind the times or maybe it 's just my fear of trying new things ; - ) . Makes me wonder what the next new thing is that I won 't be trying . Do you Facebbook or Twitter ? What is the appeal for you ? Anyone watch ? I never watched the 1st Survivor but I 've been hooked ever since . Some seasons I like it some - not so much . Usually who I want to win doesn 't LOL . Last season , I really disliked Russel but then as it went on he grew on me and I started rooting for him . I think maybe because he found all those immunity idols without any clues . Of course , at the finale he was still kind of weird . It starts on Thursday and I 'm not sure how I 'll like Heroes and Villains . I haven 't checked out yet whose all going to be on but I heard Russel will be there . I don 't see how he 'll be able to get away with the same stuff from last season . I like to read about women friendships - fiction . You know ahead of time pretty much that there will be certain types of the same characters in each book . Although occasionally , a totally new type of character pops up which is always refreshing . The book I chose was a sequel to a book I read probably about 2 years ago called , The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs . I think part of the reason I picked the book was because most of the story took place in a yarn shop . I enjoyed the book very much until it came to the end . I wasn 't happy with the ending . Then Kate Jacobs came out with Knit Two . Since I enjoyed the first book except for the ending , I decided to ask for it for Christmas in 2009 with some trepidation . I was hesitant to read this on Saturday because of my previous experience . I decided to give it a try though . I started around 1 or 2 in the afternoon and finished up around 10 p . m . Thanks to my husband , he went out and got pizza . I didn 't even have to worry about what to eat LOL . As I was getting close to the end of the book something happened that I wasn 't expecting and I thought " oh no , it 's going to happen again I 'm not going to like the ending " . Luckily , this time I was happy with the ending . Whew ! ! I see she has another book out called Knit the Season which I will get but probably after I plow through some of the other books I have . I 'm about two books behind in another series of books I like . I often wonder why I 've chosen this genre to read but haven 't figured it out yet . What kind of books do you like to read and do you have a reason for reading them ? Posted by 1 . Yesterday Corky went to get groomed . The groomer called with a special deal and he hadn 't had a bath in a while . So he 's fresh as a daisy now . 2 . This weekend we don 't have any big plans . We will watch the Superbowl but I don 't really have a favorite team . I 'll probably put something in the crock pot to eat . 3 . Magellan ( my friend ) wants to go see the movie Dear John and asked me if I 'd like to go . I 'm not sure if it will be over the weekend . Gosh , it must be a few years since I went to an actual movie theater . I can 't even remember what I saw LOL . I can only imagine how much the candy costs now . 4 . Dinner friends is next week . For some reason we didn 't go last month . I 'm really looking forward to going and catching up with everyone . It 's been too long . 5 . My cleaning schedule has been going so - so . Monday through Thursday I stay on schedule ( oh yeah ) but on Fridays I 'm supposed to work in the kitchen and I just haven 't been able to do it . I think I need to tweak the schedule so I do the kitchen on a day when I 'm home all day . Once I get a good day in , then it will just be a matter of keeping up . 6 . This week has really not been a good week . I think part of it 's the weather ( no sun ) ; mom 's had a couple of issues ( not health wise ) ; still no movement on selling her house although we have a couple of potential buyers some issues still have to be resolved ; and this month I go to the oncologist for my 6 month check up ( I always start getting anxious when it 's time to go ) . Hopefully , my mood will be improving sooner than later . 7 . My son 's birthday will be coming up in February . 28 Wow ! ! 8 . At the nursing home for Valentine 's Day , they had for $ 5 you could buy a balloon bouquet for the residents . We bought one for mom . I 'm sure she 's going to love it when she gets it on Valentine 's Day . 9 . Sometimes I wonder about myself . I barely got done with my C post for Alphabe - Thursday and I was already trying to figure out what to do for D . In fact , I wrote the whole alphabet out and am trying to come up with things for other letters . Does that seem a little compulsive to anyone but me LOL ? 10 . Hope you all have a good weekend . My letter C is for crafts . I thought I had two boxes of craft stuff but I was wrong . Thank goodness I 'm wasting less than I thought . I thought I 'd show you some of them . Years and years ago , I used to do counted cross stitch . Then my eyes weren 't so good and I stopped . I bought two pictures for my bathroom . One I completed but never put in a frame and the other one I got partially done and I have no idea why it is in a frame , but it isn 't completed . I don 't know if I ever will . I 'm thinking I should probably just get the one I have done framed and hang it LOL . Then here 's a Christmas counted cross stitch I started and never finished . I 'm thinking of just ending it where it is and framing just the words . I doubt I will complete the rest of this either . Then there are a few counted cross stitch things that I 've opened but never started . If I showed you all of them you would never get done with this post . Awhile back I bought these angels to paint and wooden ornaments . Never did . If I want to do them , I have to buy new paint because they dried up . Who knew if you didn 't use it it would dry up ; - ) I also have these hearts I bought . When my son was in 1st grade and I was room mother for Valentine 's Day , I painted bigger hearts red and put the kids initials on them and put magnets on the back . I think I must have bought these thinking I was going to do something with them for the following year and didn 't end up using them . I think that was the year Magellan and I made these really cute mouse bookmarks for the kids . I don 't have a picture of one that is finished but I found this . It 's just the head part and the eyes are missing LOL . Also by the top of the head should be a long white piece but I think you can get an idea of what it 's supposed to look like . I think kids would even enjoy making them . Although it was a little hard to cut the felt but if someone cut the felt the kids could just glue it together . I think you 've all seen that I have a lot of unfinished craft stuff and that 's about all for my letter C . We won 't even talk about the big hooked rug I was going to hang on a wall that 's never been finished ; - ) Does anyone else have a lot of unfinished craft stuff in hopes of finishing them one day ? Now go over to Jenny 's and see what others picked for their letter C . There are some very creative people there posting . Trust me you WON ' T be disappointed if you go http : / / jennymatlock . blogspot . com / 2010 / 02 / alphabe - thursday - c _ 03 . html That 's a good name for a blog post huh LOL . During the winter my feet are terribly calloused . I suppose if I used some of those creams in the " eyesore " cupboard in the bathroom I might not have this problem so bad . When we had the tub , I used to use a pumice stone which I think you might be able to see in the " eyesore " drawer . However , since we put the walk in shower the pumice stone is not so easy to use . Unless you want to fall down . For a long time , I 've seen this egg ( you probably know what egg I 'm talking about ) advertised on TV - - for years in fact . I looked it up on the internet to see what people said about it . If they thought it really worked . Most people thought it did . I didn 't want to buy it off the TV and we looked at a couple of places and couldn 't find it . Then one day my husband came home and surprised me and had found it . I was thrilled and then there it sat . For probably 6 months . Sometimes I 'm like that . I want something and then it might take me years before I actually try it . Side note : I asked for a George Forman grill for Christmas one year and it took me two years before I used it . I have some things I bought from pampered chef that I 've still never used . I think sometimes I might have a fear of trying new things . Is there some kind of name for something like that LOL . Well anyhow , I finally tried it and it worked great . After I was done , I used some " eyesore " cupboard cream and my feet were a lot better . A few more times and they should be good as new . Now wasn 't that interesting LOL . Victoria is my real name . Viki is my nickname . No one ever called me Victoria except occasionally my father . When I was younger I never cared for Victoria . As I got older I learned to like Victoria but by that time everyone knew me as Viki . Since my mother was in the hospital , rehab and nursing home and I deal with all her affairs when I have to sign papers I naturally sign it with my given / legal name . Now when those people call me or I talk to them in person they call me Victoria because that 's what they know me as . I must say , every time some calls me Victoria it seems so strange and foreign to me . In fact , I mentioned to the one nurse that calls me about things about Mom last week that she can call me Viki . I got the seasonal flu shot earlier at Walgreens . Last weekend I got a computer call from Walgreens saying the H1N1 shots were available . So I went last Monday to get one . When I got the regular one , my arm hurt for about 3 days . This one nothing . I told my husband maybe they just stuck the needle in and didn 't put anything in LOL . Have you ever had the flu ? I only had it once as far as I remember . ( Unless I had it when I was a kid and blocked it from my memory ) I was supposed to meet my husband 's family for the first time on Christmas . I 'll never forget how sick I was plus I had a big old cold sore on my lip . Thank goodness , I had the flu because I couldn 't imagine what kind of first impression I would have made with the big cold sore look LOL . For some reason when I previewed this , it didn 't leave spaces between the paragraphs . I wrote this over the weekend and I 've tried several times to double space it between so we 'll see what happens when it 's posted . If there aren 't spaces , anyone have any ideas on what happened ? I 'm 65 years old . I call my ( husband ) hippie on the blog who is 70 and retired . We 're married for 39 years . We have a son that 's 34 and lives out of state with his wife . I 'm a breast cancer survivor from 2004 , scary time ! ! Sometimes I write a lot , sometimes not . * * This is an award free blog . * *

Mom seems a lot better . They put her on steroids for that horrid cackling in her chest which on Friday she was already sounding a lot better and much less coughing . Today when I went there they had her sitting up in a chair . Her legs seem to be less swollen too which is a good thing . She said she saw the doctor and he told her she would get out on Monday . So we 'll see what happens . I don 't mean to be cryptic about this but something might be different when Mom goes back to the nursing home . The social worker called me on Thursday right before I went to the hospital ; she said mom may or may not be going back to the same room . I guess I 'll find out when she goes back . It seems very curious to me . 1 . While I love the google reader , I 'm finding it hard to comment some times . I want to think about my comment for awhile and then I forget where I wanted to go back and comment . 2 . Last Sunday , it was in the 40 's . It almost felt like spring . This week - not so much . In fact we 're in the middle of a blizzard . 3 . McDonalds - I liked the Filet O Fish commercial better last year . Although hopefully , this new one will grow on me but I just don 't laugh every time like I did with the other one . 4 . Enough with the celebrities and politicians apologizing and confessing already . Most of its none of our business anyway . 5 . I enjoy watching the Olympics but I 'm looking forward to going to sleep at a decent hour . 8 . I think my luck is running out with the tooth that was hurting in December . It feels like it 's starting to hurt again . Uh oh , not good ! ! 9 . My husband is sick with what seems like a terrible cold . I hope he doesn 't end up with the flu , since he didn 't get a flu shot . I just had him drop me off at the hospital . Not much really to report for now . I was at the hospital about 3 1 / 2 hours and so far they didn 't do anything . They asked a bunch of questions and were waiting for the doctor to call to see what they needed to do . Actually , she looks pretty good . Like nothing is wrong until you hear her breathing . It kinda reminds me of a wheezing and cackling . I could hear it clear across the room . We were lucky . She didn 't have to go through the ER , she got direct admitting which saved a tremendous amount of time . I suppose when I go tomorrow I will find out more . I got a call from the nursing home and they are taking mom to the hospital . I 'm waiting on a call back from the nurse . She said although mom said she feels good , the nurse said her wheezing has gotten worse . Please keep her in your thoughts . Posted by At first I noticed the dog scratching a lot but he used to do that at mom 's house . I kept thinking he might have fleas . My husband kept combing him with a flea comb but it was fruitless . I still thought he might have fleas but then convinced myself since he sheds so much , he must be scratching from that . Until one time , my husband went to mom 's to pick up her mail and he said when he went in her house , ferocious fleas jumped on him fast . They were all over his white socks which after I looked on the Internet I found that 's a good way to tell if you have fleas in the house . I guess they are attracted to the light color . When he came home and told me , to say I was freaked out was an understatement . I was so frantic , I could hardly function at first LOL . Once I was able to regain my faculties , I fiercely and with great fervor washed everything in hot water that I could see . My husband vacuumed all the furniture . My sister - in - law told me about this medication that would kill any adult fleas that were on him immediately . We were giving him a monthly flea medication but when I took it from Mom 's house I forgot to check the expiration date and found out it was expired . Then we my husband had to deal with mom 's house . We didn 't really want to do a flea bomb or whatever they are called ( they seem frightening ) . I found this spray on the internet and he went and bought it . He had to go over a couple of times and spray it all over her furniture but eventually he got rid of them . I then felt funky about the van thinking that they were probably in there as well . I made asked him to vacuum out the van and spray it too . Monday , I had my appointment with the oncologist . Luckily , everything seems to be okay . He said I could come back in a year but I said I 'd be back in six months . I just don 't feel comfortable waiting a year . I 'll be stopping my medication that I 'm taking in July from him because you are only supposed to take it for 5 years and time will be up . Then it will be scary . When I 'm taking the medication I at least feel I 'm still doing something . It will be strange to not have to take it . So , I 'll go in six months again . Be all nervous , for a month before I go and hopefully , everything will be good . I don 't think I 'll ever get over the feeling of being nervous when it 's time to go . Mom isn 't doing so great . When we there on Friday I noticed her coughing a little . By the time we got there on Sunday they were doing breathing treatments on her . Monday as we were driving to see her the nurse called and mom was worse . They called the doctor and he put her back on oxygen . They were also going to do a chest x - ray . When we got there mom was not pleased with having to be on the oxygen but I could tell her cough was worse . Also , she had a problem with her roommate during the night . Because she was so aggravated about the oxygen and not being mobile I couldn 't get a clear picture of what happened . The nurse said she had to report it to the director . Tuesday when no one called about the x - ray , I finally was able to get a hold of the nurse . They put her on an antibiotic because she 's been running a low grade fever . She doesn 't have pneumonia but she does have congestive heart failure so they doubled the dose again for the water pill . Plus the breathing treatments and they will be checking her blood . The same nurse that was there Monday was there Tuesday and she said she thought mom was worse . When they were taking her to the day room , she said mom was having such a hard time breathing that she couldn 't wheel herself down like she normally does . I asked how it went with the roommate over night and I guess it went okay but the social worker is supposed to talk to the roommate some time . Why is it , as soon as you get one thing off your mind something is always waiting to replace it , ugh ! ! ! It 's not like I don 't have other things I have to work out . I 'll have some cheese with my whine LOL . So the rest of the story , Our son had his operation shortly after the doctor talked to my husband and myself and every thing went well . At that time , they kept you in the hospital for 7 days after a C - section or at least that 's how long they kept me . I was very concerned that since I couldn 't bond with my son being stuck in the hospital , I told my husband not to come and visit me to stay with him . Naturally , he didn 't listen and would go to my son , then me and then back to stay with our son overnight . Plus , he still had to go to work . My husband learned how to feed him and change his diapers before me . I think my husband really enjoyed this time alone with him . Although until this day , he is still mad that they didn 't let him stay for the C - section . Here 's a picture when he was 4 days old . Look at all that big thing on his arm . Poor little guy . He also looks a little beat up on his face . The OB told us at the time he got stuck and couldn 't get his shoulders through . He said I had something called a Bandl 's Ring which was an hourglass shaped uterus . He said he had only read about it but never saw anyone that had it . All these years , I never thought about googling it . Well I did , and either he was incorrect about what a Bandl 's Ring was or he didn 't know what he was talking about . Finally , the day arrived that I was getting out of the hospital . We went right to our son . I was never so happy in my life to see someone . All I had seen were a few not so good Polaroid pictures up until then . He was such a tiny guy . I actually saw him when he was 7 days old but I liked this picture better LOL . He is 8 days old here . I couldn 't breast feed . He had to use preemie nipples on the bottle . He was so weak that I had to push his little chin up and down so he could eat . He was pretty healthy otherwise . All he had to do was gain weight two consecutive days and we could take him home . He finally did . He had lost a lot of weight while he was there and when we brought him home on March 4th , he weighed 4 lbs . 4 ounces . He was tiny . I remember I had this little pillow that someone had made for him and we used to put him on it and we would be so surprised that his whole body fit on it . We used preemie nipples for quite a while and it was months and months that each time I fed him , I would write down exactly how much he ate . Finally , when I told the pediatrician I was doing that he just told me stop it already LOL . In the beginning of 1983 , he had to have two operations to fix his problem and since then everything 's been good . This was sometime after he was 12 months old but I 'm thinking it must be an older picture , because I doubt I would have had him with no sleeves so it must have been summertime . Thanks for going down memory lane with me . I 've already forgotten so much since then . It 's good to have it written for my own sake . I still can 't believe he 's 28 . It seems so weird to me that 28 years to the day this all exactly happened . I 'm sure other birthdays have followed the same weekend pattern but I just never paid attention to it . Must be because I have a blog now LOL . All I remember is going into the operating room and waking up in the recovery room or in my room ( it 's fuzzy to both of us where I was at ) . We had a son born on Monday , February 22nd , at 3 : 44 a . m . He weighed 4 lbs . 11 ounces and 17 " long . There was something wrong with him and he was going to be transferred to the childrens hospital . They brought him in a covered bassinet so I could see him . It seemed like it was only 2 seconds and he was gone to another hospital which was about an hour away from where I was . I 'm not going to say what was wrong but it was something I never heard of before . We figured our son was in good hands and my husband went home to sleep because he had been up all weekend with me . A couple of hours after my husband went to sleep he received a call from the doctor that would be treating our son and he went down to talk to him . The doctor even called me at the hospital that same day to explain things . It turned out my son would need to have an operation to temporarily fix what was wrong and then when he was older it would be fixed permanently . The doctor told us this would be only the second time he used this type of operation because the previous type of surgery didn 't have as good a results . It was comforting in some ways because it seemed like there would be a better conclusion but yikes , only the second time he did it . This is a picture of him when he was one day old . It was taken with one of those old Polaroid cameras . Hopefully , I 'll be able to finish this story up tomorrow . Posted by This weekend in 1982 , was very eventful for my husband and me . I was pregnant at the time and our child was to be born in the beginning of April . I had had two miscarriages previously . The whole pregnancy I didn 't feel well and in the beginning I had a little bit of bleeding but it had stopped . At first , I had to stay off my feet a lot . On that Friday in February , I noticed some bleeding again , called the doctor and he sent us to the hospital to be checked and monitored . I stayed over night and they were going to release me the next day because it had subsided . Before I was to leave , the monitor showed that I was starting to have contractions . I was too early to have the baby so they gave me pills to try to stop the contractions and I wasn 't able to keep them down . Then they tried an IV but I started having trouble breathing . Out with the IV . It was decided that I was going to have the baby , WHAT ? ? My husband and I had been to some Lamaze classes but hadn 't finished them . The rest of Saturday wasn 't so bad but Sunday the contractions got worse ( at least to me ) . We were exhausted by then . They started giving me pain medication ( pills ) . I remember I felt kinda out of it , sleepy and extremely warm when I wasn 't having contractions . My husband kept getting me cool washcloths and putting them on my forehead . The nurse kept trying to get me through the contractions . I think the furthest I was dilating was 4 centimeters . This is the kinda fuzzy part to me because I was doped up LOL . It was some time during Sunday night things had changed . Our son 's ( which we didn 't know at the time was a son ) heart beat started to slow . It was decided that I had to have an emergency C section . All I remember was the next thing being pushed to the operating room and before going to sleep hearing them say " We have to hurry up or this baby is not going to make it " . I don 't remember why but my regular doctor wasn 't there . I was going to have a doctor that I quit after having my two miscarriages because I didn 't like him , oops . February 22ndHave a good weekend . During the summer , a lot of people go to Lake Erie for boating . There are all kinds of boats on the lake . My husband goes fishing there with his buddy . There are all kinds of fish but he fishes for Walleye and Perch . He 's probably one of the few fisherman that when he doesn 't catch fish he doesn 't mind . He is entertained and enjoys just being on the water . Quite a few years ago , he bought a small boat but has only used it a handful of times . Circumstances always seem to prevent him from taking it out . We live about twenty minutes to a half hour from Lake Erie . When I was a kid , we spent many a day there having picnics and swimming . I don 't have any pictures from then but we do have old movies of us being there with family and friends and we looked very enthusiastic . While I love that we have the lake , I 'm not much for boating . I went once when I was young . My aunt and uncle ( who weren 't really but they were my parents friends ) had a recreation boat that we went on . Then when my husband and I were dating his friend had a boat that we went on and stayed overnight . When I woke up in the morning from sleeping on the boat , my eye was enormously swollen and closed up . We had to hitchhike to a hospital and they said I had a spider bite . Yuck ! ! It was quite embarrassing . One of the rides we hitched was with two guys in a truck . We noticed there were no keys in the ignition just wires . They said they couldn 't find the key . I have a feeling we may have been riding in a stolen vehicle LOL . Anyhow , I didn 't do so well and got seasick . That pretty much ruined me from having any kind of love for boating . Right now there is a big concern that Asian Carp might filter into Erie . From what I 've read about them , it wouldn 't be good . They are trying to figure out a way to avoid allowing this evil carp not to get into the lake because it would be very damaging . Also , I 've seen where they are jumping carp . They can jump into a fishing boat or recreation boat and hit a person and hurt them . Sounds nasty LOL . Also , there is talk about putting wind turbines in Lake Erie . Right now I think they are going to be doing a study to see if it would have an adverse affect on the wild life . I 've read too that some think it would ruin the beauty of the lake . So who knows . I think it would be excellent though for the City of Cleveland . I didn 't want to get too far past the opening ceremonies of the Olympics without mentioning how much I enjoyed it . It thought it was one of the best Opening Ceremonies I 've ever seen . Good job Canada . You should be proud . I 'm surprising myself by watching much more of the Olympics than I thought I would . I 've watched some events I 've never seen . On Friday , when we were sitting in the lounge area with Mom I noticed they seemed to be starting to pass out the balloon bouquets , I thought they were getting them on Valentine 's Day . We waited for a while and then it was time to go because Mom was going to eat lunch . We said our goodbyes . Before we left , in the hallway the ladies were selling Valentine Day cards and I stopped to buy a couple . As I was paying , my husband noticed that Mom was getting her balloon bouquet . We went back in to see if Mom liked it and she did . The girl put them in her room but we didn 't go to see where she put them . When we went on Sunday , I was going to take a picture . The mylar balloon was still standing tall but the three regular balloons were not . Also , they were on the roommates dresser and not on Mom 's . Mom said that the girl had put the balloons on Mom 's dresser with the TV and when the regular balloons started losing air the roommate told Mom she couldn 't see the TV . She then moved them to her dresser . Mom didn 't seem to mind . We noticed about a week and a half ago , the tanks coming to the nursing home for the balloons . I think they just inflated them too soon . I decided on Monday when we went to take a picture of them anyhow . I 'm sure they looked great when all the balloons were flying in the air . I don 't know what happened to the little pink paper that was on them that was supposed to say , " Happy Valentines Day . We Love You " with our names either . You can see Mom 's TV and dresser where they are supposed to be . Last Wednesday , I went out with my Dinner Friends . It was crummy weather when we went ; snowy and windy . We were celebrating Magellan 's birthday . I 'm glad we didn 't postpone it because you never know this time of year what it 's going to be like ; it could have been worse . She picked the Outback . Magellan and I didn 't even get lost this time , although that could have been because we 've been there before ; - ) I had an excellent meal . A salad with honey mustard dressing ( I never had this kind of dressing and it was good ) , baked potato and spare ribs . I used to when my son was home get the whole rack of ribs and take half of it home for him but I didn 't this time . We bought a bottle of White Zinfandel between 4 of us . I usually don 't get dessert but I ordered something to take home . They had this desert called Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Pie with whipped cream and I just had to try it . After I was home for a while , I made a cup of coffee and tried the pie , even though I was stuffed . I barely finished it but somehow I managed . It was very good . I probably went to sleep about 11 and didn 't wake up Thursday until after 8 a . m . I still haven 't been sleeping well but I slept like a log LOL . I don 't know if it was the wine or all that food I ate but I felt very rested . Posted by 1 . I 'm kind of like the official owner of mom 's dog now . I had to get a new license for Corky and put myself as the owner . I didn 't really want to do it but if he got lost , I needed for them to have my address . I also decided I 'm going to switch vets to where we used to take our dog . 2 . Snow , snow , snow . It 's getting to me . I want spring to come but the way this year is flying by already , I guess I can wait . It seems the older I get , the faster time goes . 3 . I really didn 't have a team in the Super Bowl . I watched the first quarter . Then came back for the 4th quarter . When I saw the Saints , who weren 't expected to win were coming back , I started rooting for them . 5 . Mom had a pretty good week so far . They had some kind of entertainment - a banjo playing singer . Sunday she will be getting her Valentine balloon bouquet . They are going to be having a Mardi Gras party . 6 . The Olympics start tonight . I will definitely watch the opening and closing ceremonies . The rest I 'm not sure . I used to watch as much as I could of all the events but the last few times I haven 't . I 'll probably watch the ice skating at least . 7 . I 've been working on my knitting for Christmas . I got quite a bit done already . This is good because if something comes up and I can 't work on it , I won 't have to be concerned that I won 't get it done . 8 . We 're on the budget for our gas and electric . With only being the two of us now , slowly our budget is coming down . Yippee ! ! If you don 't see me on next week that means my computer bit the dust . I spent over an hour or so trying to get online and get the computer working and finally did . Who knows for how long . Posted by In 2007 , we decided to fix up the outside of our home . We knew my husband would be retiring soon . We were going to get a new roof , gutters , siding , front , back doors and new storm doors while we could still afford it . I won 't say the name of the store but let 's just say it may rhyme with blows or may not . Now I love this decorative cranberry colored door ( the inside of the door is painted in a wood color ) but it took at least two times for them to get it right . ( It may have been more than two times but when the hard drive crashed I lost all the documentation ) The first time there was damage of a big scratch on the door . The front storm door also had to be reordered . There were little scratches on the aluminum . When the second one finally arrived and was installed , I noticed there was a crack in the glass of the top window . He was going to reorder another door . I thought we were doomed . However , we had the original one that had the scratches and my husband suggested that perhaps he could just change the window from the other door . We were delighted that he was able to that . The back doors we decided to go with white ( I 'm still not sure that I like having different colors on the front and back but oh well ) . What could be easier ? Shouldn 't be a problem right ? Oh contra ire . It was disastrous . The guy took the whole old frame and door out and then realized when he tried to put in the new frame and door , he originally measured wrong . It was the right width but the wrong height . He had to put the new wrong frame and door on since he wrecked our old one taking it out . He then reordered the door . The next time he brought the new door , it was the right height but the wrong width . Then he called up the store to see if they might have one in stock and they did . We were delighted until he went and got it . We noticed it was unpainted and instead of the slats being inside the double panes of glass they were on the outside . The customer service guy tried to talk us into taking it , which we declined . The only door that never had to be reordered again was the back storm door which dumbfounded us at the time . It was suddenly a different feeling , until days later we did notice a slight flaw between the double windows which we called about . Someone was suppose to come and look at it but never did . We decided to just live with it becauSo , needless to say , I 've vowed never to buy anything from the nameless store that may rhyme with blows or may not that has to be ordered again . They were just lucky that I didn 't have a blog at that time because I wouldn 't have been very delicate about my dismay . The End . Do you do Facebook or Twitter ? I don 't . Heck , I just started blogging not too long ago and didn 't start out very good with it . I know people do Myspace , Facebook and now Twitter . I 've gotten a couple of invitations in the past to friend some people on Facebbok but I didn 't want to . I really have all I can do to keep up with the blog . I know a lot of people connect with people from their high school but my feeling kinda is , if I didn 't talk to them in high school why would I communicate with them now . Twitter I really don 't get . People seem to really love it . Although I know there are times like in a crisis people can get the word out fast . I guess that is a good thing . I am just behind the times or maybe it 's just my fear of trying new things ; - ) . Makes me wonder what the next new thing is that I won 't be trying . Do you Facebbook or Twitter ? What is the appeal for you ? Anyone watch ? I never watched the 1st Survivor but I 've been hooked ever since . Some seasons I like it some - not so much . Usually who I want to win doesn 't LOL . Last season , I really disliked Russel but then as it went on he grew on me and I started rooting for him . I think maybe because he found all those immunity idols without any clues . Of course , at the finale he was still kind of weird . It starts on Thursday and I 'm not sure how I 'll like Heroes and Villains . I haven 't checked out yet whose all going to be on but I heard Russel will be there . I don 't see how he 'll be able to get away with the same stuff from last season . I like to read about women friendships - fiction . You know ahead of time pretty much that there will be certain types of the same characters in each book . Although occasionally , a totally new type of character pops up which is always refreshing . The book I chose was a sequel to a book I read probably about 2 years ago called , The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs . I think part of the reason I picked the book was because most of the story took place in a yarn shop . I enjoyed the book very much until it came to the end . I wasn 't happy with the ending . Then Kate Jacobs came out with Knit Two . Since I enjoyed the first book except for the ending , I decided to ask for it for Christmas in 2009 with some trepidation . I was hesitant to read this on Saturday because of my previous experience . I decided to give it a try though . I started around 1 or 2 in the afternoon and finished up around 10 p . m . Thanks to my husband , he went out and got pizza . I didn 't even have to worry about what to eat LOL . As I was getting close to the end of the book something happened that I wasn 't expecting and I thought " oh no , it 's going to happen again I 'm not going to like the ending " . Luckily , this time I was happy with the ending . Whew ! ! I see she has another book out called Knit the Season which I will get but probably after I plow through some of the other books I have . I 'm about two books behind in another series of books I like . I often wonder why I 've chosen this genre to read but haven 't figured it out yet . What kind of books do you like to read and do you have a reason for reading them ? Posted by 1 . Yesterday Corky went to get groomed . The groomer called with a special deal and he hadn 't had a bath in a while . So he 's fresh as a daisy now . 2 . This weekend we don 't have any big plans . We will watch the Superbowl but I don 't really have a favorite team . I 'll probably put something in the crock pot to eat . 3 . Magellan ( my friend ) wants to go see the movie Dear John and asked me if I 'd like to go . I 'm not sure if it will be over the weekend . Gosh , it must be a few years since I went to an actual movie theater . I can 't even remember what I saw LOL . I can only imagine how much the candy costs now . 4 . Dinner friends is next week . For some reason we didn 't go last month . I 'm really looking forward to going and catching up with everyone . It 's been too long . 5 . My cleaning schedule has been going so - so . Monday through Thursday I stay on schedule ( oh yeah ) but on Fridays I 'm supposed to work in the kitchen and I just haven 't been able to do it . I think I need to tweak the schedule so I do the kitchen on a day when I 'm home all day . Once I get a good day in , then it will just be a matter of keeping up . 6 . This week has really not been a good week . I think part of it 's the weather ( no sun ) ; mom 's had a couple of issues ( not health wise ) ; still no movement on selling her house although we have a couple of potential buyers some issues still have to be resolved ; and this month I go to the oncologist for my 6 month check up ( I always start getting anxious when it 's time to go ) . Hopefully , my mood will be improving sooner than later . 7 . My son 's birthday will be coming up in February . 28 Wow ! ! 8 . At the nursing home for Valentine 's Day , they had for $ 5 you could buy a balloon bouquet for the residents . We bought one for mom . I 'm sure she 's going to love it when she gets it on Valentine 's Day . 9 . Sometimes I wonder about myself . I barely got done with my C post for Alphabe - Thursday and I was already trying to figure out what to do for D . In fact , I wrote the whole alphabet out and am trying to come up with things for other letters . Does that seem a little compulsive to anyone but me LOL ? 10 . Hope you all have a good weekend . My letter C is for crafts . I thought I had two boxes of craft stuff but I was wrong . Thank goodness I 'm wasting less than I thought . I thought I 'd show you some of them . Years and years ago , I used to do counted cross stitch . Then my eyes weren 't so good and I stopped . I bought two pictures for my bathroom . One I completed but never put in a frame and the other one I got partially done and I have no idea why it is in a frame , but it isn 't completed . I don 't know if I ever will . I 'm thinking I should probably just get the one I have done framed and hang it LOL . Then here 's a Christmas counted cross stitch I started and never finished . I 'm thinking of just ending it where it is and framing just the words . I doubt I will complete the rest of this either . Then there are a few counted cross stitch things that I 've opened but never started . If I showed you all of them you would never get done with this post . Awhile back I bought these angels to paint and wooden ornaments . Never did . If I want to do them , I have to buy new paint because they dried up . Who knew if you didn 't use it it would dry up ; - ) I also have these hearts I bought . When my son was in 1st grade and I was room mother for Valentine 's Day , I painted bigger hearts red and put the kids initials on them and put magnets on the back . I think I must have bought these thinking I was going to do something with them for the following year and didn 't end up using them . I think that was the year Magellan and I made these really cute mouse bookmarks for the kids . I don 't have a picture of one that is finished but I found this . It 's just the head part and the eyes are missing LOL . Also by the top of the head should be a long white piece but I think you can get an idea of what it 's supposed to look like . I think kids would even enjoy making them . Although it was a little hard to cut the felt but if someone cut the felt the kids could just glue it together . I think you 've all seen that I have a lot of unfinished craft stuff and that 's about all for my letter C . We won 't even talk about the big hooked rug I was going to hang on a wall that 's never been finished ; - ) Does anyone else have a lot of unfinished craft stuff in hopes of finishing them one day ? Now go over to Jenny 's and see what others picked for their letter C . There are some very creative people there posting . Trust me you WON ' T be disappointed if you go http : / / jennymatlock . blogspot . com / 2010 / 02 / alphabe - thursday - c _ 03 . html That 's a good name for a blog post huh LOL . During the winter my feet are terribly calloused . I suppose if I used some of those creams in the " eyesore " cupboard in the bathroom I might not have this problem so bad . When we had the tub , I used to use a pumice stone which I think you might be able to see in the " eyesore " drawer . However , since we put the walk in shower the pumice stone is not so easy to use . Unless you want to fall down . For a long time , I 've seen this egg ( you probably know what egg I 'm talking about ) advertised on TV - - for years in fact . I looked it up on the internet to see what people said about it . If they thought it really worked . Most people thought it did . I didn 't want to buy it off the TV and we looked at a couple of places and couldn 't find it . Then one day my husband came home and surprised me and had found it . I was thrilled and then there it sat . For probably 6 months . Sometimes I 'm like that . I want something and then it might take me years before I actually try it . Side note : I asked for a George Forman grill for Christmas one year and it took me two years before I used it . I have some things I bought from pampered chef that I 've still never used . I think sometimes I might have a fear of trying new things . Is there some kind of name for something like that LOL . Well anyhow , I finally tried it and it worked great . After I was done , I used some " eyesore " cupboard cream and my feet were a lot better . A few more times and they should be good as new . Now wasn 't that interesting LOL . Victoria is my real name . Viki is my nickname . No one ever called me Victoria except occasionally my father . When I was younger I never cared for Victoria . As I got older I learned to like Victoria but by that time everyone knew me as Viki . Since my mother was in the hospital , rehab and nursing home and I deal with all her affairs when I have to sign papers I naturally sign it with my given / legal name . Now when those people call me or I talk to them in person they call me Victoria because that 's what they know me as . I must say , every time some calls me Victoria it seems so strange and foreign to me . In fact , I mentioned to the one nurse that calls me about things about Mom last week that she can call me Viki . I got the seasonal flu shot earlier at Walgreens . Last weekend I got a computer call from Walgreens saying the H1N1 shots were available . So I went last Monday to get one . When I got the regular one , my arm hurt for about 3 days . This one nothing . I told my husband maybe they just stuck the needle in and didn 't put anything in LOL . Have you ever had the flu ? I only had it once as far as I remember . ( Unless I had it when I was a kid and blocked it from my memory ) I was supposed to meet my husband 's family for the first time on Christmas . I 'll never forget how sick I was plus I had a big old cold sore on my lip . Thank goodness , I had the flu because I couldn 't imagine what kind of first impression I would have made with the big cold sore look LOL . For some reason when I previewed this , it didn 't leave spaces between the paragraphs . I wrote this over the weekend and I 've tried several times to double space it between so we 'll see what happens when it 's posted . If there aren 't spaces , anyone have any ideas on what happened ? I 'm 65 years old . I call my ( husband ) hippie on the blog who is 70 and retired . We 're married for 39 years . We have a son that 's 34 and lives out of state with his wife . I 'm a breast cancer survivor from 2004 , scary time ! ! Sometimes I write a lot , sometimes not . * * This is an award free blog . * *

Here 's the latest news on things going on in my life . In the last month there 's has been a few things to actually blog about . On 4th of July weekend we went up to the cabin in Arkansas . One of the days we were up there we drove through the town of Mena , which was hit by a tornado a few months ago and looked at some of the damage . The amount of property damage was was pretty bad . Quite a few homes were destroyed . Back at the cabin we rode around on the 4 - wheelers , shot off tons of fireworks , went floating on the Cossatot River , and went on a miniature train ride in Queen Whelmina State Park . Here is a Picure of us floating on the river . Joshua got to experience his 1st baseball game . It was a minor league game . A Grand Prairie AirHog 's game . Susan had free tickets to the game because she is raising funds for the 3 - day breast cancer walk . Well , when Joshua saw the AirHog 's mascot he got so excited he ran over to him to get picked up and have his picture taken with him . Here he is . Then there was Ethan 's 10th birthday party . It was held a little late this year because the Howard 's had went on vacation and Ethan had to wait until they got back to have his party . He had a Transformer 's party . However , there was one kink in his party . The swimming activities were cut a little bit short . The side of the pool gave way and the swimming pool became a river . July 19th marked the 5th year since my father - in - law passed away . Joshua will never get meet his Grandpa . I was only able to get to know him for one year . I will always be grateful that he gave me his blessing to marry his daughter before he left this world . He was a good man and even I still miss him . We visited his grave and put flowers on it . It was also the 1st time we got Joshua out of the car and Susan tried to explain a little to him about why we were there . This week I got home from work a day earlier then I planned to . Tomorrow is the Lackey family reunion in Haskell , TX and I had requested Saturday off to go to it . However , my work got me home this morning insteadPosted by It seems like lately we are always so busy around here and there always seems like things just keep being added on to our busy lives . With the summer now here the yard needs mowing every other week . I 've had to trim back bushes and cut low hanging branches off the tree in the front yard . Yesterday , we got a trampoline from one of my mother - in - law 's neighbors . It 's awesome ! However , that meant I had no other choice but to tackle the enormous task of cleaning up the backyard . This required the calling in of reinforcements . So , we were able to get Daniel , Jeromy , & Josh to come on over . The yard required 2ft tall grass to be mowed , a tree branch from our neighbor 's tree to be chainsawed off , and our Crape Myrtle was going to be cut down . I mowed the lawn . It required 2 passes at different mower heights . Jeromy and Josh used the chainsaw until it stopped working . We weren 't able to take down the whole Crape Myrtle because of it . But one large branch was removed . We 're going to work on the rest of the tree in a few weeks . All of us dragged the branches out to the front for the trash man to pick up sometime in the next few weeks . Even Joshua took a few little limbs out with him . ( What a big helper out little guy is ! ) And now we have a new toy to play with in the backyard . Anyway , here 's our new toy . Soon we 're also going to remove the shed , cut down another bush that 's back there , tear down the sunroom , add a nice new porch , and landscape the whole thing . It 's gonna look nice . Someday . This weekend it 's off to the cabin in Arkansas to celebrate the 4th of July . We 'll be riding 4 - wheelers , shooting off fireworks , playing tee ball , and having a good ol ' time . Everyone else is going up there on Thursday night . I have to work until late Friday / early Saturday so I 'll have to meet up with them then . I can 't wait ! Anyway , that 's all I 've got . More will come in the future . It 's been awhile since I posted , but I 'm so into Facebook now that I rarely take the time to post here . I check for updates all the time and my wife posts things on her blog at least twice a week if not more . Anyway , here 's what 's happening right now . I 'm stuck in Memphis waiting for someone to come change a tire on my rig . I woke up at 3 : 30pm and found it flat during my pre trip inspection . The maintenance shop at our yard closed at 3pm . They 're having to get an outside company to come fix it and it 's taking forever ! Once the tire 's fixed I get to head home . My wife and I are starting to learn how to save money . I no longer stop at truck stops everyday to buy a meal . Now I bring food with me . The savings is amazing ! Well , the tire 's fixed and I 'm ready to hit the road . Like I said , it 's a quickie ! There 's been birthdays , Mother 's Day , sick days , and today is Memorial Day . I guess it 's time I post something . I might as well . I 've been sitting at home by myself since I got home yesterday at 7am . My wife & son went off to the cabin in Arkansas with her Mom , Step dad , and sister 's family to enjoy the holiday weekend . I had to work and was unable to go . I thought it 'd be kinda cool to have the whole house to myself for a couple of days . And for about 30 minutes it was . Then I got bored . I went outside and mowed the lawn . Then I took a long relaxing shower . I watched a movie . I went grocery shopping . Being alone in this big house really isn 't all that great . I don 't know how my wife did it before Joshua was born . She had to be alone 5 days a week while I was out on the road . At least now our son is here to keep her busy . And I 'm sure he keeps her busy ! Last Sunday we had a birthday party for Joshua . He became a 2 year old on Tuesday . He had a ' Tow Mater ' themed birthday party . Susan and I thought we could get this whole party taken care of on our own . But me getting sick and cake troubles required us to call in reinforcements . Thanks to Stephanie the cake was saved and thanks to Brandon the hamburgers got cooked . Joshua received so many really cool gift for his birthday this year . He got a play yard and a bubble mower from Mommy & Daddy . A tee ball set , a bat and baseballs from Nana & Pops . A toddler sofa bed from Uncle Brandon & Aunt Stephanie . A GeoTrax plane set and a toy camera from the Uncle Jeromy & Aunt Mandy . A hand made puzzle holder box and puzzles from Daniel & Christina . A $ 20 check from his Grandparent 's in CA . A Wagon filled with sandbox toys from Auntie Jo . And of course plenty of new clothes . In other words , he made out like a bandit ! After having been sick since last Friday night I agreed with my wife and went to the doctor Monday morning . By that time I had flu - like symptoms and my left eye was bloodshot . The doctor told me it was a viral infection and gave me a few prescriptions to get filled . OPosted by First off , I want to wish all the mom 's out there a Happy Mother 's Day . Here 's hoping that your special day is filled with all the wonder and joy that you can handle . Okay . Now that that 's out of the way here 's how things are going in my world . We 'll start with work . My shift bid finally came up and once again I am still on the same shift . It 's good and all , but I really would like to have a Monday - Friday shift . Hopefully it 'll happen the next time around . The last few weeks of driving had not been too exciting . Mostly just the same old same old . However , on the last day of this week I ended up having a tire blow out on the trailer I was hauling from Lubbock , TX to Abilene , TX . I had to drive 70 miles with it that way until I reached the TA truck stop in Sweetwater , TX . Once I got there it was discovered that the blow out had been caused by the mud flap getting tangled between the 2 tires and the bar that holds it in place was pulled between them . Here 's what that looks like . I got there at about 7pm that night . It took the mechanic until 1am to finish the job ! 6 hours ! That 's outrageous ! By the time I got out of there my company had taken me off 2 load assignments and I ended up losing about 400 miles for the week . On the plus side of things , I did get to come home early and see my wife and son before they both went off to bed . I tried to go to bed too , but I couldn 't sleep . That 's why I 'm here doing this now . In other news . 2 weeks ago my wife 's mother & stepfather had to come and stay with us for awhile . During a strong storm we had that Monday morning their house was struck by lightning . It hit their chimney and sparked off to their electrical wires which started a fire in the attic . The fire department came and put it out rather quickly , but they had to punch a hole through the living room ceiling to get to it . The damage wasn 't too extensive , but the electric and gas were out and they were not allowed to stay there until it could be repaired . Here 's what it looked like from inside the attic . It 's only been 1Posted by Well , it 's been 2 weeks since my last post . I just haven 't really had much to talk about . 2 weeks ago was just another week . I drove , I came home , and I went back to work again . Last week was interesting . My first load took me to Memphis , TN . After that the rest of the week was very unusual for me . Normally , the furthest east I go is to Nashville , TN . Not this time . This time I went to Knoxville , TN . Then I went to Charlotte , NC . Then to 2 stops in Atlanta , GA . And finally a long 850 mile trip back home . I actually enjoyed the change of pace for once . I took a few pictures along the way . Here 's one of a tunnel in Fines Creek , NC on I - 40 . And here is one of downtown as I was entering Atlanta , GA on I - 285 West . Anyway , I was able to get home by midnight , Sunday morning . I got a good night 's sleep and woke up ready for a good day with my family . We didn 't do too much all day . Susan 's mom came over and we went to Double Dave 's Pizza for lunch . Then we went to Daniel & Christina 's to give their kids their Baptism gifts . Joshua and Adam seemed to have a blast playing with each other . They chased each other all over the place , played catch - the - ball , and pretty much just rough housed . After that we came back home and Janie trimmed Joshua 's hair . ( It was getting kinda shaggy ) Susan made steak , potatoes , and corn for dinner . Joshua didn 't really touch it much , but I think that 's cause he ate a whole bunch at lunch . When dinner was over Mommy sat him down for potty time . He did pee , but most of it didn 't make it in the potty . He got it all over the floor instead . After that , it was bath time , where he decided it was more fun to drink the bath water than play in it . And after the bath was over he rejected his towel and streaked from the bathroom across the hall to the office to show Daddy that he was clean . Nice ! I wonder how that would look if Susan or I did it ? Never mind ! We put him to bed , he fussed only for a moment and went to sleep . For some reason Susan & I suddenly had the urge for ice cream . There was none in the housPosted by This week was not a typical week for me . Most things that went on this week were either last minute or completely unplanned . Let 's start with Tuesday . The new cell phone I ordered from Verizon was delivered . I spent most of the day playing with it and trying to learn how to use all of it 's features . Before I knew it the rest of the day had passed by and I hadn 't gotten hardly any rest for work . After having not gotten much sleep during the day and not fully being ready to head off to work I called my work to see where I was going to be headed to . I got a really big surprise when they told me they didn 't have a load for me . Ouch ! I didn 't want to go out , but I can 't afford to be missing work either . On the plus side , I did get to be at home with my wife on our 3rd Wedding Anniversary . We had celebrated it on Monday by going to Red Lobster for dinner because we thought I wouldn 't be home on Wednesday . So , on our Anniversary we went to Pasado 's Mexican Restaurant with Jeromy & Mandy . Pasado 's has the best guacamole I have ever tasted . Their food isn 't too bad either . After dinner was over I called my work and they had a load for me . So , I got ready for work and headed out the door . Well , here 's how things went as far as my work schedule goes . Dallas , TX to Lubbock , TX to Dallas , TX to Shreveport , LA to Jackson , MS to Memphis , TN and back to Dallas , TX . If that seems short well , that 's because it was . I actually arrived in Dallas at 6 : 45am Saturday morning . A whole day earlier than usual . So , my work week was really , really short . However , the early return home gave me the fantastic opportunity of making a surprise trip to Arkansas to see my family . They had all headed to the cabin for the weekend to celebrate Easter and I originally wasn 't going to be able to be there with them . I didn 't even tell them I was coming . After the 4 1 / 2 hour drive there I stopped just before entering the gate and called my wife . I asked her how things were going and told her how much I really missed her and Joshua . She said her and Joshua Posted by It 's blog time again . Wed . - Sat . was spent driving as usual . There was supposed to be a shift bid at my work last week , but for some unknown reason it didn 't happen . I really don 't mind though , because they do the shift bid by seniority and I 'm still way at the bottom of the list . Every time shift bid comes around I worry that I 'll end up being on the standby list and have my miles cut dramatically . So far that hasn 't happened thank God . Anyway , here 's last week 's lineup . Dallas , TX to Birmingham , AL to Atlanta , GA to Mobile , AL to Birmingham , AL to Jackson , MS to Baton Rouge , LA to Memphis , TN and back to Dallas , TX . I got home around 2am Sunday morning and was able to get a good nights rest . It 's a good thing that I got that rest too . On Friday I received a call from my wife and she informed me that some really strong winds had come through on Thursday and the fence on the west side of our house had blown over . Here 's a picture of the aftermath . So Sunday afternoon we had the Howard 's and Spencer 's over to our house for fence raising party . The neighbor also joined in since it was his fence too . The fun began by tearing down the rest of the old fence and digging out the old posts . Next it was time to dig new holes . The first hole dug was the beginning of a whole new adventure . You see , we started at the back of our property and about half way into digging we noticed we had hit some cables in the ground . At the time we thought they were just old cables that had just been left in the ground . More on this a little later . It took all day and a trip to Lowes for some extra supplies but by the end of the day we had a new fence . Here 's what it looks like now . While the guys were out working in the yard , the ladies worked inside watching the kids and cooking enchiladas . They did a wonderful job at both . Dinner was delicious . The kids seemed to have had fun most of the time . Once dinner was over though , for some reason Joshua became a holy terror . He was screaming , crying , and throwing a fit . Nothing was stopping it eithPosted by Well , well , well . If it isn 't Tuesday already . I guess a blog update is in order , huh ? Ok . Last week was a long work week . I drove over 3000 miles and didn 't get home until 8 : 30am Sunday morning . I went from Dallas , TX to Houston , TX to Jackson , MS to Grenada , MS to Nashville , TN to Dallas , TX to Houston , TX to Harlingen , TX and finally back to Dallas , TX again . At least the paycheck 's gonna look really good next week . To bad all the bills are going to eat it up . After I was done working on Sunday I came home and decided to treat my wife & son to a day of fun . I brought donuts home for breakfast . It was Joshua 's 1st donut . He 's only eaten donut holes before Sunday . He loved it . . . Duh ! For lunch , we met the Spencer 's at Chili 's . Joshua ate a corn dog and corn - on - the - cob . He loves both of those things . We even had to hide the corn - on - the - cob from him so he 'd eat his corn dog . When he was done with the corn dog and we broke out the corn - on - the - cob he almost jumped out of his seat with excitement . It was hilarious to watch him go nuts eating it . When we finished with lunch , we headed to Leapin ' Lizards . It 's an indoor playground . It has blow - up bounce houses and a 4 story playscape . It also has a toddler area with quite a number of fun toys to play with . We all had a blast . Joshua was so tuckered out that he almost fell asleep in my arms on the way to the car . It didn 't last long though . He woke up about 10 minutes after we got home and wasn 't too happy that we were at home and not still at Leapin ' Lizards . For dinner we ordered pizza . After dinner Joshua got a bath and when his tub was draining he began farting . Susan had me hurry and get the potty seat and she sat him down on it . She began reading a couple of books to him and all of a sudden we hear the potty playing music . He had pee - peed in the potty for the 2nd time since we 've had the thing . He never pooped though , so it must have just been gas . After all that excitement , we put Joshua to bed and listened to him scream and cry about it until he gave up and fell asPosted by It 's been a crazy week . I only drove from Tuesday night until late Thursday night . I had to be home on Friday because my wife was having surgery early in the morning . It 's only been two days since her surgery and she 's is doing great . Actually , she 's been doing great since the moment we left the hospital . Even if she is in any pain she 's not acting like it . The nurse told her to take it easy for the next week and to not lift anything or do too many activities . Of course , that didn 't stop her from carrying our son and running all over town for the last few days . She 's such a tough cookie . I just hope she doesn 't over do it . After we left the hospital we went to pick up my new glasses . Everyone seems to like them . I like them too , but them seem to be giving me trouble with focusing . I 've had them on since I got them , hoping that my eyes just neeeded to adjust to the new lenses , but they haven 't . Tonight I was trying to read a story on the computer and it seemed so blury to me . I decided to put my old glasses on and discovered that I could see everything on the screen clearly . I 'm going to have to take the new one 's back tomorrow and get them redone . Unfortunately , that means I 'll have to wear my old one 's for a few more weeks . On Saturday we meet my wife 's mom and stepdad for breakfast at Golden Corral . Thanks again to them for buying our meals . After that we did some running around with the Spencers . First we went to Babies ' R ' Us / Toys ' R ' Us and bought a couple things , including a bubble lawn mower as a birthday gift Joshua . Yes , I know it 's early , but we 've been looking for this gift for a long time and finally found it . It was also the last one they had left . We also bought him a little Scooby - Doo toy to play with . We also did something very bad , by accident . We had picked up a pack of six socks for Joshua and forgot that they were behind his back . When we got out to the car and I picked him up out of the cart , there they were . I know it was wrong and we 've never done it before , but since the door alarm didn 't Posted by Another week has come and gone . It ended up being a short work week for me . They didn 't have enough loads to send me out on Tuesday night , so I didn 't get started until Wednesday night . Even then , the whole work week was slow . I spent most of my time either sitting around waiting for the loads to finish being loaded or waiting for them to find a load for me to move . They did still manage to get me far enough away from home that when I got my final load for the week I wasn 't able to make it home until 4am Sunday morning . So , my route for the week went like so ; Dallas , TX to Houston , TX to Jackson , TN to Memphis , TN to Grenada , MS to Memphis , TN and back to Dallas , TX . Anyway , enough about work . During the day on Sunday Susan , Joshua , & I went out to lunch at Taco Cabana . I had ordered a plate of nachos that comes with sour cream & guacamole in a little red corn tortilla bowl . Joshua wanted nothing to do with his lunch , but everything to do with eating that little red bowl I had . Then he wanted all the red colored chips that were in Daddy 's nachos . It was all about the red stuff for him . Afterward , we went to Toy ' R ' Us where Joshua scored a few new Wonder Color Markers , some A - B - C & 1 - 2 - 3 flash cards and a mini Magna Doodle for traveling with . We also made our usual grocery run at Wal - mart . They 're remodeling our local Wal - mart , so nothing is where it 's supposed to be at right now . We ended up spending the rest of the day at home . I used my new shovel that I got for Christmas for the first time . I used it to aerate the front yard a little so that our grass might have a chance at growing better this year . I also , finally , picked up all the leaves that were left in the yard . I should mention , I hate doing yard work . However , it has to be done and my wife won 't let me pay a gardener to do it . I know we don 't have that kind of money , but I REALLY HATE YARD WORK ! ! ! Joshua got to ride his tricycle outside a little bit and also played with his big blue beach ball too . He loves getting to play in the yard . For dinner we boPosted by Happy Birthday to me ! I am now old enough to know everything ! Oh wait ! I 'm way passed being a teenager ! Now I 'm old enough to forget everything I knew . Damn ! Anyway , today has been a busy day so far . Susan 's B - day gift to me was an appointment with the optometrist to get new glasses . Thank you sweetheart . I haven 't had new glasses in over 5 years . I took the exam and the doctor told me that my eyes have hardly changed at all . I picked out my new glasses and I 'll have them in 2 weeks . I also went to the bank , paid on a loan we have , FedExed some house papers to our mortgage company , put insecticide on our dying bushes , fixed a drawer in the spare bathroom and anchored our son 's changing table to the wall . I guess when things need to be done , it doesn 't matter if it 's your b - day or not . Tonight , for my B - day dinner , my wife is taking me to one of my favorite restaurants , Italianni 's . I even have a coupon for a free dessert . ( Their desserts are to die for ! ) Oh , another thing I got for my birthday came from both my wife and my son . It is probably the most awesome present I have ever got . Check it out . . . . Susan said she had to record him for about 5 or more minutes before she could get him to say it . I totally love it ! He is growing up so fast . I had to work an extra day this week and I missed him so much . Anyway , like I said , I had to work an extra day this week and I didn 't get home until 11 : 30pm Sunday night . So here was the route I had this week . I went from Dallas , TX to Shreveport , LA to Jackson , MS to Tupelo , MS to Jackson , TN to Houston , TX to Jackson , MS to Houston , TX to Harlingen , TX to Houston , TX and finally back to Dallas , TX . Unfortunately , I only get today off and then it 's back to work tomorrow . I guess with so many people out of work I really shouldn 't be complaining . My wife and I are both in fairly stable careers and consider ourselves to be really lucky people right now . I know so many people who are either looking for work , barely working , or just praying their job doesn 't go away . I know things get better in the future , I just hope it happens before people really begin to suffer . Alright , I 've rambled enough . Everyone enjoy yourselves . I guess it 's time once again for me to peck at the keyboard a little bit . I never did learn how to type the correct way . My wife can type so fast I 'm afraid her fingers are going to fly right off . I 'm so slow at typing it 's taken me 3 mins just to type this so far . Anyway enough about my lack of typing skills , here 's how the last week has transpired . Last Monday was spent putting up the boarder around the ceiling in our son 's bathroom . I also put the outlet covers back on , put the mirror back on the wall , and put the lights back up above the mirror . The next day I put the shark picture that Daniel & Christina gave us into a frame , but I didn 't have a hook to hang it up with . My wife bought on this weekend and hung it up for me ( Thank you Love . ) She also bought a few accessories and some decals to add the finishing touches the room . The bathroom was just about done . All that was left was to put the new vinyl shower curtain up . My mother - in - law took it out of the package and decided it was too wrinkly . So , she put it in the dryer . Can anyone guess what happens to vinyl when you put it in a dryer ? Well , here 's your answer . . . . . . My wife just about cried . The whole design of our bathroom was based on the shower curtain . On top of that , the design has been discontinued and is no longer sold at the stores . Luckily , I was able to find one exactly like it on ebay and Susan 's mom bought it right away . We should have it in a few days and than finally the bathroom will be done . My work week started off slow . My 1st run was from Dallas to Laredo . Then I went from there to Houston , with a 10hr break in the middle . From Houston I drove to San Antonio and then to Dallas . After another 10hr break there , I was sent to Baton Rouge . I took my next break there and was sent to Jackson , MS . However once I got there they didn 't have a load available from there so , they sent me to Tupelo , MS . I stopped and took another 10hr break before I got there . When I woke up to start driving again the temperature outside had changed and it was reallyWell , I 've blogged long enough . I got other things I need to be doing . Enjoy yourselves ! Well , another week has come and gone . It was actually a pretty good week for us . I got over 3000 miles at work this week . That 's about 500 miles more than usual . It 's going to make for a nice paycheck next week . ( Uncle Sam 's gonna love it too , I 'm sure . ) Susan was able to work a full week too . That 's because Joshua actually stayed well enough this week to stay in daycare all week long . Amazing ! This week I drove from Dallas to Birmingham and back . Then I drove from Dallas to Lubbock and back . My last run was from Dallas to New Orleans and back . Yep , all turn - arounds this week . That doesn 't happen too often . It did keep me out until almost 6am Sunday morning though . Last Sunday , Susan & I started working on redecorating the second bathroom . We tore down all the old wallpaper , textured and primed the walls , and taped off everything we didn 't want painted . Once the work week ended and Saturday arrived Susan , Stephanie & Kaitlyn painted the bathroom while my mother - in - law made sure my son didn 't try to help . A 21 month old is not the best person to tackle painting a room . Anyway , after they finished for the day there were only a few finishing touches to be done . Susan & I finished the rest of the painting today and now all that 's left to do is take the tape off , put the wallpaper border up , and put the new bathroom accessories in . Once everything is done , we 'll have us a bathroom that looks like a fish aquarium . My wife has been videoing every step of the process . She 's also taken pictures and will most likely post them on Flickr when everything is done . That 's about all I 've got for you . If I missed something , I 'm sure it 's in Susan 's Blog . Go there and check it out . First of all , Happy Valentine 's Day to everyone ! I hope everyone enjoyed their day and was treated special by the one 's they love . I know I was . I actually wasn 't even supposed to be home today , but as luck would have it , my last load was cancelled due to the bills not being available . I was going to be headed from Dallas to Austin and back again . Instead , I was told to have a good weekend and got to come home . Since I wasn 't expecting to be home today , I had to make a quick pit stop along the way and make sure I got my wife some flowers , candy , & a cute little stuffed red monkey with hearts for eyes . Susan seemed to like them all , but she loved the Valentine gift bag it came in . I knew she would . She love holiday bags . This one was red with hearts all over it . I don 't think she has a Valentine gift bag . Well , now she does . Joshua got a stuffed monkey as well . Susan bought him a brown monkey that holds a heart with a picture of Mommy & Daddy in it . If you want to see it and the look on his face when we gave it to him , go to her blog at http : / / susanigans . blogspot . com / . I think it 's one of the most awesome pictures of him we 've ever taken . I was given two Valentine 's Day cards . One from my son and one from my wife . My wife also made me a batch of sugar cookies with frosting on top . They look delicious . One of them even says , " I Y Daddy " . I can 't wait to eat them . Anyway , I guess that 's all I have for now . Everyone enjoy the rest of your weekend . Let 's pick up where we left off . On Sunday morning we woke up and Joshua still had a high fever . We made an appointment with the pediatrician 's office and went in for yet another visit . This time the doctor was able to get a better look at Joshua 's throat and saw that his tonsils were swollen and had white spots on them . He told us he wasn 't sure , but he thinks it might be mono . Mono ? A 20 month old can get mono ? He said it 's rare , but it can happen . The doctor decided to send us to the emergency at Cooks Children 's Hospital for further testing . When we got there , the place was packed . Luckily , we got a room right away because we had a doctor 's referral . We ended up spending about 4 or 5 hours there and the doctor told us that Joshua does have mono . Then Monday rolls around . I watched my son at home all day , because Susan had to work and the daycare won 't take him until the doctor releases him to go back . I expected to have a very long and difficult day with a very sickly little boy . Instead what I got was a boy who wanted to sleep almost all day and never ran a fever the whole time . When he was awake all he wanted to do was eat . I gave him fruit , he at it and wanted more . I gave him cheese crackers , he wanted more . I gave him gummy Cars , he wanted more . And so on and so forth . I also called the doctor to update him on Joshua 's condition . However , it was me who got the surprise . Now the doctor is saying his tests show Joshua doesn 't have mono . I told Susan what was going on . She and I agree that the symptoms Joshua has had are the same as mono . What else could it be ? So , until we hear different , we 're going to treat it as mono . Which just means giving him Tylenol to ease the pain . Later that night , when it was bedtime , he wasn 't tired . He slept for about 2 hours and woke up screaming at midnight . Susan tried to comfort him but , that 's not what he wanted . She could hear his tummy growling . He was hungry again . So at 1 in the morning I made mac & cheese and Joshua at it like it was going out of style . All I can sayPosted by The last few days have been long and stressful . I 've been out on the road going from Dallas to Houston to Memphis to Jonesboro and back to Dallas . My son continues to run a fever and the doctors he 's seen cannot figure out why . My wife has missed work most of this week watching Joshua because his daycare won 't keep him with while he 's running a fever . He 's seen 4 doctors since last Tuesday . He has been given a shot of antibiotics on Friday and Saturday . The fever still hasn 't gone away . They 've listened to his lungs , checked his ears , looked in his nose , examined his throat , and even had him get a chest x - ray . The results so far are all the same . They can 't figure out what 's wrong . Tomorrow we have to go back to the doctor again , but I 'm not sure it 's going to do us any good . I just don 't feel that anyone 's going to look at x - ray results over the weekend . He might get a third shot of antibiotics , but I 'm not even sure of that . I just hope that my son gets to feeling better soon . I feel so helpless about it all . Even though Joshua wasn 't feeling too good today , we have had tickets to go to the Fort Worth Stockshow & Rodeo for months . Since Susan 's Mom paid for them there was no way we would even consider bailing out on it now . I 'm glad we didn 't . We all had a good time . Joshua stayed in pretty good health most of the evening with only a few fever spikes the whole time . He did sleep quite a bit though . When he was awake , he was just in awe over everything . Especially during the rodeo . He just loved watching all the horses running all over the place . All - in - all I think everyone enjoy themselves . Well , that 's all for now . It 's been a long day and I 'm ready to call it quits . It 's Wednesday night and I am at home about to leave to work in a few minutes , but I have enough time to tell everyone about the last couple of days events . So , yesterday my son 's daycare called my wife and she had to leave work an hour early to get him . He was running a fever and with his history of febrile seizures they felt it was necessary he get picked up . I set a doctor 's appt . for him and we all met up at his pediatrician 's office . Unfortunately , his regular doctor was booked up and we had to see someone else . That someone else was the worst doctor I 've ever met . She was very impersonal with us and our son . On top of that , every time my wife would try to ask a question she would cut her off and say something else . She was even dressed like she was on a date rather than working with little kids . It made us appreciate our normal pediatrician that much more . Joshua 's daycare has a policy that says if a child is sent home sick that he cannot return the next day . This posed a problem for Susan & I since I had to go to work last night and she had to work today . Normally , once I 'm off to work I don 't return until Sunday morning . Luckily , when I called my work and told them what was going on they were able to get me a turn - around to Abilene and back home . Susan 's work let her come in late . So , Susan watched Joshua in the morning until 11am and I watched him until 6pm . Then my wife came home and took our son over to her sister 's so I could get some long deserved sleep . I called my work and they aloud me to come in at midnight instead of 10pm so that I could get a few more hours sleep . I am really grateful for that . Susan and Joshua return home around 9 : 30pm and Joshua went straight to bed . I got up and helped my wife unload some groceries that we need for the house . Now I am ready for work . Joshua keeps going between running a fever and not running a fever . I hope the little guy feels better in the morning . Otherwise , he 'll have to see the doctor again and my wife will have to miss a whole day of work . This time I 'll Posted by I figured it was time to join the crowd and move away from wordpress and start a new blog here . The customization seems to be more advanced on this site . I think mostly I was just getting bored and needed a change of pace . With that in mind , I am going to try to blog more often than I was on the other site . ( we 'll see how that goes . ) Anyway , this is my first blog here and I want to try and set things up for my theme . So , for now this is all I 'm go to say here . I 'll type more later when I get this thing looking the way I want it to . I have many titles . Husband , Dad , Trucker , pain in the butt , etc . I enjoy being all of these . If you want to know more , you 'll have to start reading my blog .

I WILL CRY FOR YOU Paul Anderson , 1999 I was asleep and in my dreams I had a vision . There was more than what I am about to write . But I cannot remember what happened before what I 'm about to write . My wife and I were standing in a field . There were armed men everywhere . A high fence surrounded the whole field . I was facing a two - story building . To the left of me was a football field inside of the fence . The field was large . To my right was an open area with nothing at all , it went a good distance until it ran into the high fence . Behind me was a path that led through an open gate and out into some woods . But right now the path was full of people , there was a line of what had to be thousands . The line of people led into the building . My wife was waiting with me and we were in the middle of the line , armed men guarding everyone in line . Slowly the armed guards led the people in the line into the building one person at a time . The power of these men , the weapons they carried , and the long wait in the line was intimidating to say the least . The unknown that awaited us in the building made some in the line cry out and others pass out . I saw that my wife was scared , as was I , so I softly spoke . " I will go first . Remember that no matter what lurks inside , God is with you ! " Then we smiled at each other . It wasn 't a smile of knowing death was imminent . For there was uncertainty in not knowing what awaited us . It was a smile that said if I never see you again for any reason , I love you . With that the man holding us let go of my wife and roughly led me into the building . As soon as I entered I was in a hallway and I knew I was in a school . ( I should have known exactly where I was but for some reason I could not discern . ) There were rooms all the way down the hallway on both sides . ( Class rooms . ) At the end of the hallway there were steps that led up to , what I assumed , although I was wrong , the second floor . Some of the people who had gone into the building before me were walking up the steps smiling and eating . Rejoicing over the apples in their hands . But over a hundred others who went in before me stood in the hallway . All of them had a bushel of apples in their hand and were smiling , laughing , and eating . Behind me stood the armed man that had led me into the building . To my left stood a man who had a knife in his hand . Directly before me sat another man in a large expensive chair . He had a smile on his face and an apple in his hand . The apple was large and ripe . When he bit into it juices flowed down his chin . Next to him on the floor was a bushel of these same large and ripe apples . They looked good and immediately I was hungry . Then the man behind me held my arms down with great force . The man to my left , the one with the knife , put the knife up to my neck and prepared to kill me . ( I could not move because of the great force of the man behind me . ) I was scared and my hunger for those good - looking apples increased greatly . The man in the chair spoke . " You have two options . The first , take this unlimited supply of apples and live in bliss and happiness the rest of your days . The second , be put to death . " The man replied , " Answer ' no ' to the question I will ask you . An answer of no means you will get all the apples you could ever want ! An answer of yes means you will die . Here is the question I present ; will you profess your love of Christ even to death ? Remember no means life , yes means death . " Then those who were in the hallway behind the man in the chair , the ones who had taken the bushel of apples , and those who were in line and entered this school before me , I heard say . " Take the apples , they are good , enjoy them . We want you over here with us . God is love . God will forgive you . " I thought to myself , yes the apples look good . But to enjoy them for only a short season and in return be in agony for eternity . Yes I want us to be together also but I want you people over here with me were there is life . You want me over there with you were there only pain and death . Yes God is love but to deny Him now , there would be no forgiveness for He would deny me . Just then the man with the knife pressed and cut me slightly . I could feel my blood . So after a quick prayer and without further hesitation I boldly said , " Through Christ I live even in death ! " With that my hunger for the apples vanished and I felt a deep pain of sorrow to the point of tears for those who had chose to take the bushel of apples in their hand . The man in the large expensive chair jumped up and yelled , " Take him away , he shall be put to death ! " In his anger I saw he had been hiding words that were written on his face . But now that he was angry he could not hide them anymore . The three words were hell , death , and hate . Then those who were in the hallway behind the man in the chair , the ones who had taken the bushel of apples , and the ones who were trying to convince me to also take the bushel of apples , I heard say , " Why did you not take the apples in your hand ? " Then all of them began to weep for me because I would soon be seeing death . I thought to myself , it is I who should weep for these people but yet they weep for me ? The man behind me led me off to the right side to one of the doors that go to one of the classrooms were . While he was pushing me away he said , " Why did you not take the bushel of apples ? All that he was going to give you but yet you denied him . " I could tell that he was honestly upset . He just couldn 't understand why I would turn down such a great opportunity . Later I cried for this man . He opened up one of the doors and threw me into the room . I landed on my back and nearly flipped over . The man turned around to leave the room but as he did he flipped the light switch but nothing happened . Light was still in the room . He cursed loudly and then as he was shutting the door he said something loudly but once the door shut I could not hear him any longer . I turned around to look at the room I was in and I saw there were ten other people in the room with me . There were three pairs of husbands and wives , a sixteen - year - old boy , and an old woman . At the sight of me they rejoiced in praise for the One who brought me and in tears of happiness . Immediately I knew they were talking about a person 's heart . We cannot know who can be saved , only the One can . I wanted to ask about the light switch but I knew I had to pray . For my wife was now in the same place I had been just a few moments ago . With the three men who are so convincing . The bushel of apples that look so good and all those who delight in having taken the apples in their hand . I knew because I had just experienced it , that the temptation in that hallway just outside the door was great ! So I prayed for my wife . ' Lord God , great and true . Give her strength . Give her will to say ' no ' to the temptations . Help her my Lord . Be with her . In Your grace we are protected . Protect her with Your love . ' I continued to pray until the door to the classroom had been opened . My wife was thrown onto the ground like I had been . Landing right next to me , because I had yet to get up . The same man who had led me to the door and thrown me in this room also had done the same to her . Just like before he tried to flip the switch but just like before nothing happened . He cursed loudly once again and once again he said something loudly but as soon as the door shut we could hear him no longer . All twelve of us in the room rejoiced for my wife and God for putting into our hearts His way . I then explained to my wife why we could not hear the man once he shut the door . After which I remembered the question I wanted to ask earlier but could not because of the need of prayer for my wife . So I turned toward the other ten in the room and asked , " Why can 't that man turn off the light ? " The sixteen - year - old boy answered , " They cannot . They want us to be in the dark in here . They think it would help us think about our predicament and perhaps we would accept the bushel of apples . But when they try to turn off the light , they cannot ! " So I preached the Word while we waited to see what would happen . Then the Lord would speak through someone and we would pray . In the middle of our prayer the door would open , someone else would be thrown into the room . The man tried to turn off the light every time he came in but it never turned off . Then he would curse and say something loudly that would always get cut off once the door shut . On and on this went for what felt like hours . Then I felt my preaching on this day was done and everyone in the room felt the same way . The reason we felt this way is because the line of people outside was no more . Everyone had come in for his or her choice of either death or life . When it was all said and done , with the line of people well in the thousands , only a total of twenty - four people were in the room with us . How could this be ! How sad , that all those people chose death rather than life . The people in the room with me were the ones before my wife and I came . They were the three pairs of husbands and wives , the sixteen - year - old boy , the old woman , and my wife and I . Those who came in after my wife and I were three more pairs of husbands and wives , two old men , one young boy , one young girl , a young woman , and another old woman . The numbers of us all were twenty - four . We stayed in this room for awhile , I do not know how much time . But it seemed to be for at least seven days . During which we had no food . No one came in whatsoever except to slide jugs of water in the room . Everyone was starving but we continued to praise God and I continued to preach to everyone . Then finally two men with guns came in and told us to get up , we were moving . So we went and they led us up the stairs and to the school 's cafeteria where we ate . They fed us very little and I could see everyone was starting to lose their strength . Everyone except for me that is . Then I saw the man who had led me into the building in the very beginning . The same man who held my hands down and the same who threw me in the classroom . He was standing in a corner consulting with someone that I could not see . The man seemed very happy that everyone seemed to be losing his or her strength . A couple more weeks went by and this time they only fed us once . When we were all gathered in the cafeteria to eat this second time I saw the same man again . This time I saw some other men and women behind him . He and the others who stood behind him walked over to us . Since we were all weak , except for me , they tried to convince us to take the bushel of apples in our hand and all of this would be done . They showed us the apples again and despite the fact that for some reason , even though they were starving us , I was not hungry , the apples were tempting . I tried to imagine how bad it had to be for all the others with me for they were hungry . I tried to look away from the apples but everywhere I looked there they were . I closed my eyes but there they were . Then I thought , just for a fleeting second , maybe God would forgive me . But just as I said that , two of the men and two of the women with us started to get up to take the apples . When I saw this I snapped out of my trance and came to my senses . Of course God would not forgive me if I ate . Did not Jesus suffer it all for us ? So this little suffering I was feeling is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me . The man who seemed to be everywhere I looked in this vision was smiling when he saw them get up . The other men and women with him , they were so called " Ministers of God " , cheered and started praising God for these four that were going to take the bushel . That 's when I spoke . " No , you cannot . After all we have been through . It will not be long now . Do not take of the bushels . Please brothers and sisters you know what it will cost you . " I had more that I wanted to say but I was hit from the side and was knocked out cold . My wife said nothing but I saw a tear trickle down her face . They had taken the bushel of apples . Oh no ! Who will give in next ? Now we were down to only twenty people . I said to my wife , " I need to find a way to strengthen these people so they will not give in . " My wife replied , " You know strengthening only comes from One person . You cannot do it . If God does not want them to be strong like you then that is the way it will be . " I said nothing but my wife continued , " They said they would start letting us go outside . " And that is just what happened . So I spent the majority of my time trying to find a way to escape . Each night when the moon shined a couple of us went out to look for an exit . Remember I have no idea how many days we were in this place . It could have been years for all I know . So night after night we looked for a way out . At this time their security was a little loose , for no one had escaped yet . The open gate that the line of people who were being led into the school went through at the beginning was still open . I thought it was some kind of trap so we waited to see what would happen . Night after night , guards came to the gate and tried with all their strength to shut it but could not . So after one time trying to shut the gate each night they would just post guards around the open gate . But even , by the grace of God , the guards would sit with their backs to the path and seldom turn around to look at it . The reason that they did not care is because no one had tried to escape yet . So one night we decided to try to make an escape . Out of the twenty of us left only eight decided to try the escape . The others thought it to be too risky . So my wife , eight others , and myself prepared to leave this place that was still starving us . When I walked out of the school on my right was the football field . ( I say on my right because I was facing away from the school . Remember in the beginning the football field was on my left because I was facing the school . ) Directly in front of me was the path that led through the open gates . Once again after trying to shut the gate and not being able to , the guards sat with their backs to the path . Very seldom looking back at the path that led to freedom . We walked as close as we dared without being seen . Just then I got scared . I was worried about trying to escape . I thought , they have not tried to kill us here yet . Sure they starve us but I am not hungry . Why should I risk getting caught when , albeit not perfect in the school , I was alive . For everyone knew that if you got caught trying to escape then you would be beaten and possibly killed . I turned to my wife and said , " We will not go . " She looked surprised but also relived . I could see she had the same feelings as I did . But she was starving . I said to myself , ' If I were starving I would try to escape as fast as I could indeed . But I need nothing . Sure freedom would be nice but what if I was never able to make it home and was killed on the way ? There is just too much to lose . ' Another man with me looked saddened that I would not go but nonetheless he had made up his mind . The other seven and him were going to try it . We all bid each other farewell and asked God to bless one another . Then they stood up to leave . I replied , " Because if they run then the sound of their footsteps will alert the guards . But because they are walking they are making no sound and the guards have no idea anyone is trying to escape . Why would they even think it ? No one has tried to leave yet . " After I finished saying this I felt sick . I knew they were going to make without any problems and we could have been with them . Why did we not go with them ? Oh fear you are cruel and wicked . You have prevented me from going . Nonetheless we watched as they left through the open gate . The guards had no idea my eight brothers and sisters had left . They had made it without so much of a worry . It had been so easy and now I was kicking myself for not going . Why did I not go ! She was right , we should try ! Why not ? The guards would have no idea we even left , just as they had no idea the others had left . Why should they have had any reason to think someone would leave ? There was no reason to . I thought , yes we can make it just as the others did . My courage and strength had returned to me . It burned as strong as it was before old cruel fear put that the fire out , no , it burnt even stronger now . So I said , " Ok , let 's go ! " But before I could even stand up , the gate leading to the woods beyond , to freedom , and to home slammed shut . The guards jumped up and ran to the gate . Despite the fact that the gate being shut is what they wanted all the time , the guards tried to open it . I couldn 't understand these silly people . I felt like telling them to be content , if you want the door closed and it is closed why are you trying now to open it back up ? You have gotten what you wanted , why do you now want to open back up the gate ? I couldn 't understand their actions . But nonetheless just like before when the gate was open and they couldn 't shut it , now the gate was closed and no one could open it . Oh no , it 's too late . I waited too long . When the road was clearest and easiest I did not go . Now I 'll have to find another way of escape . These were the thoughts that were running through my mind . My wife must have been thinking the same thing because at that moment we both started to cry . After this in my vision I saw that we went back to the room in which we stayed . The ones that were keeping us in this " prison " found out that eight people had escaped . In their anger we were punished . Instead of eating once a week , like we had been doing , we could only eat once every other week . ( Need I say those who were weak got weaker ? I continued to stay strong but since I did not go when I was supposed to , I started to get hungry , albeit slightly . ) They also installed lights out in the field , so they could see the next time someone tried to escape . After everyone who was in line had their choice to accept Jesus or take the bushel of apples in their hand , the wheat had been separated from the weed . The numbers of wheat was only twenty - four out of the thousands that had been in line . But remember four of the wheat had decided after the persecution they suffered to take the bushel of apples , in which they lost God 's favor and forgiveness . For they were willing to do for Christ Jesus but were not willing to go through persecution for him . Then eight others escaped through the open gate before the Lord shut it . So now counting my wife and I only twelve people who decided they would die for Jesus remained . Since the number of us was so small I seen in my vision that those who held us captive were able to have more control over us . They filled us up with fear every chance they got . They attacked us with words rather than actions and I could see the ghost in each of us get weaker every day . And of course they only fed us once every other week . In the day , every day , I continued to preach . ( That despite that fact that our captors did not want us to even speak of God or have service . But just as they had no power to turn off the light that shined above us , they had no power to stop us from serving Jesus . ) In the night , every night , I continued to look for a way to escape . I eventually found a way but the lights that our captors put in the field prevented any chance to escape . Because they would see any attempt we made to escape . So I needed God to perform a miracle for me to get out . ( Remember when I told you what was in the field , while I was in line waiting to enter the building . To the left of me was the football field . Behind me was the path that led through the gate that was open at that time but is now closed . To my right was nothing at all , all the way to where the high fence was . That is where I saw a way to escape . There was simply nothing at all in that part of the field so the guards only slightly patrolled there . ) Also I knew that since this was a way out , if God performed a miracle that is - in which somehow He could turn off the lights our captors had installed so that no one would see us escape . It was going to be a hard way out , since the fence was so high . It would not be as easy as it was for my other eight brothers and sisters who left this place on the path that led through the open gate . In my vision I kicked myself for not going at that first , easiest chance I had . Oh fear you are cruel and wicked ! So time went on and each day and night I prayed that God would provide a miracle . ( At night I no longer wasted time looking for a way out because I had already found one . ) But after eating three more times , no miracle came . So my wife and I decided to try to escape anyway . That night we stood as close as we could to the light above the high fence . We patiently waited for the guard to make his round and when he turned to walk away we prepared ourselves to go . Just before we took off running , ( now the time was growing short so we had to run instead of walk like before ) , we heard a cough . I looked and saw a guard sitting on the ground leaning against the fence . If we would have run and tried to escape at that moment then we would have been killed for this man would have had an easy shot at our backs as we tried to climb the high difficult fence . We both breathed a sigh of relief and right there we thanked God for allowing us to hear this man cough . We also prayed for repentance and forgiveness for trying to escape on our own without God . We could not do such a thing . We had to have God help us ; we could not do it on our own ! Later that night as I started to fall to sleep in my vision I heard God speak to me out loud . God said , " I have heard your cries of repentance . In my mercy you have been forgiven . Be prepared for tomorrow I will provide a way out for you ! I will send you someone tomorrow . Listen to his word for his word is my word and my word is a true word . " I fell asleep praising and thanking God . He is my shepherd , for I am but a lost sheep . He is my provider , for I have nothing . He is my salvation , for without him I would be dead . Those who do not know Christ stand dead already . Those who do not obey the commands of Jesus stand dead already . Those who do not obey the words of God , whether it be spoken or written , stand dead already . These are the words I prayed right after the Lord spoke to me ! When I woke up the next morning I told my wife what the Lord had said . She said , " Then let 's go . " But she just didn 't seem to be into the thought of obeying what the Lord said too much . But I didn 't worry for I thought perhaps that it was because she was still tired after just waking up . That day I gave a sermon on the power of God . Through this sermon I could see God moving on the eleven people who were listening . There was dancing , singing , and speaking in tongues . I also could see these people got refreshed and stronger . Albeit they were still weak . Only now they were not weak unto the point of death . In my vision I praised God for his love . Our captors got madder than ever before , because of the power of our service . So a guard was sent in to our room . He hit each of us with all his strength but could not hurt us at all . This made him even madder yet . He left the room and came back with seven more guards . They all hit us with all their strength . But still they could not get us down . Of course they got even madder but what could they do . Nothing . Before all the guards left the room one of them turned around . He looked at each of us and screamed , " You will get no water at all today ! " I saw that my fellow Christians who just moments ago withstood eight guards could not withstand this punishment . Except for me everyone sunk down in his or her chairs . When the guard saw this he smiled , for he had found a way to get to us . After he left the room we prayed but the prospect of no water for the day kept everyone down . I couldn 't understand my brothers and sisters . Why couldn 't they hold on ? I could see that they couldn 't take much more . How much more could I take ? But I knew the Lord would provide a way out this very day . ( Now I had tried to get the others to go with me but like at the beginning , they did not want to go . ) After we all prayed together I went into the corner and prayed till it got dark . When it did get dark I went outside with my wife to look around . It felt like hours that we stood out there without any sign from God . I started to get worried cause the day was nearly over . Then a man came up to me , I knew the man but in my vision I did not . He said , " I have been sent to you . I am a prophet of God . " This prophet of God said , " Tonight I will turn that light out ! If you do not go tonight then you will die . Oh , you will find another way of escape but you will not see the land where you would have been safe . For you did not listen to the word of God , so you must die ! " " Then go anyway and let God be your strength . Heed these words for they are a true word . Do not disobey the Lord . Did He not tell you last night that He would provide a way out for you ? Why do you not listen to the never lying word of God ? I know you are saved . I know you are called to preach the word . But I also know that you are weak because of the worries in your life . Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself , those are the words of the Lord . Heed them and you shall be saved . Disobey and you shall die . Just trust the Lord , He knows what is best for you . " Within a flash this prophet of God was gone . I looked all around but he was nowhere to be seen . I looked at my wife but she seemed unaffected , this troubled me for I was scared . So I asked , " Where did that man go ? " " There was a prophet of God talking to me . After he had finished what he had to say he vanished . Gone , into thin air ! " I said . So I told her all there was to tell . After I had finished we were both scared and excited . We knew the light would be turned off soon so we prepared ourselves to leave . We would go as soon as the light went out , lest we die . Then it happened , the light blinked out ! Here was our chance to escape . We would make it . I did a quick eye scan to see where the guards were . The light going out stunned all of them . They had no idea what to do . They certainly wouldn 't hear us or see us escape . I grabbed my wife 's hand and prepared to run . I said , " Are you ready ? " She replied , " I wonder how the kids are doing ? " My kids were with my parents . How they got there and the story behind how we got caught , rounded up , and brought to this place was in the first part of this vision . All that happened before we were standing in line , and a lot did happen , I simply could not remember . As for the kids , we had talked about them every day while in this place . This was just the first time I mentioned it because this was the first time it was relevant . My wife continued asking unimportant questions . I say unimportant because none of them mattered unless we got out of here . But for some reason despite my will to leave this place I answered all her questions . Before we knew it we had been talking for ten minutes since the light had gone out . At this moment I awoke with a start . I jumped out of bed wide - awake and ready to go to work . My heart was beating fast because I was scared of this vivid vision I had . Then the Lord spoke to my heart and said , " Lay your head back down and sleep for awhile . " So I did . I was back at the same place . Standing in the same field with my wife . The light was still out but yet we still had not tried to run . What was wrong with us , the Lord had told me to go , a prophet confirmed the message , but yet we feared trying to escape . What were these chains tied to my heart ? I felt like saying in the name of Jesus depart from me chains ! But to even say that , I could not . Then we saw the man who had held the knife up to my neck when I chose between Jesus and the apples . I saw that this was a man of power . He spoke and people listened . I heard him say , " Fear not my people , in ten minutes I will have this light on ! " Everyone cheered . I knew our time was running out . We simply had no more time to waste . I grabbed my wife 's hand again and said , " Come on . " But once again as I jumped , ready to run , doubt hit me , it hit me hard . I started thinking that the fence was too high to climb . There was no way I could make it over the fence . I knew if I tried then I would fall . I was just too scared . Oh fear you are cruel and wicked ! With her statement I was filled up with even more doubt . So we talked for awhile about leaving . Should we go , perhaps God wanted us to stay here for the sake of the other prisoners we would be leaving behind . ( Despite all my fears and excuses the fact is that God had told us to go ) Then the light turned on , I heard the guards cheer . I seen them fall to their faces and worship the man who had held the knife to my throat . Then I saw the man who held my arms down make the others praise the first man . But now that the light was on I knew we wouldn 't be able to escape over the fence anymore . At that moment the fence looked easy to climb , the road didn 't look that hard after all . So I cried , why didn 't we go ? I then heard the words of the prophet God sent me . " Tonight I will turn that light out ! If you do not go tonight then you will die . Oh , you will find another way of escape but you will not see the land where you would have been safe . For you did not listen to the word of God , so you must die ! " When the words came back to me I cried even more . I lost all my strength and I became weak like the others . I was completely defeated . The next day I did not give a sermon for I didn 't have the strength to preach . When the others saw this , that I had no more hope or will , they to seemed to lose all the hope they had left . Not hope of our salvation for we all truly believed that we were saved . For that was our only hope , the hope of another , better place that we had had set aside for us . But we lost our hope of living in this life . So because of this we all were weak , including myself , weaker than we ever had been before . ( There had already been times the others were weak . But now all of us were weak unto death . ) When those in control , the three men I meet in the hallway after I entered the building the first time , saw our weakness they attacked with every thing they could . So they sent in guards to beat us . Remember before these guards had no power over us . But now they were able to inflict tremendous pain on all of us . It was almost too much to bear . But as soon as we thought we honestly couldn 't take anymore , those in control called the guards off of us . Now that they saw how easily the guards hurt us , they called for their so - called " Ministers of God . " Once again these men and women entered our room . ( I told you earlier that they came to us in the cafeteria the first time . But I also wrote that almost every day they came to us . Our room is where they came . ) I was worried for my brothers and sisters and myself for we were so weak . Would we fall onto their deadly sword ? I prayed to God , asking Him to accept my cry of repentance and to grant me forgiveness in His mercy . I also prayed that he would protect all of us in our time of need . And this was indeed , a time of need ! As soon as they came closer to us with their deceived smiles I felt the presence of the Lord . ( By not listening to His spoken word I was unfaithful to Him but He was faithful to me . ) I saw that all of these so - called " Ministers of God " wore tight pants on this day . This is not something they had worn before . But since they did wear these tight pants I saw a chilling sight . Instead of walking normal like people do , they had a strange walk . Their knees didn 't bend in the normal way . Instead they bent outwardly causing these people to walk crooked . I couldn 't think how they stopped themselves from falling over . They nearly fell with every step . Then I saw that with every step their walk got worse and it became more of a struggle . I thought , it won 't be too much longer before they fall over completely . I looked even closer and saw that they all had diseases . But none of my other eleven brother and sisters , including my wife , could see the condition of these " Ministers of God . " It was all they could do just to stay awake . For all of us were not only weak but also tired . But one look at these sad people , these so - called " Ministers of God , " and all your weakness and tiredness slipped away . For I wanted to make sure that I did not fall into the pit that these poor people had . It was a grim reminder to me of how truly bad hell had to be . Because what I saw was truly bad but I knew it couldn 't be as bad as hell . So for this I got scared and completely ignored the words they were trying to say to me . But my fellow brothers and sisters , including my wife , were listening to the words of these lost people . So I stood up and shouted , " Do you all not see the way these people walk and look ? " They still didn 't seem to understand what I was saying so I said , " Look at their legs ! They walk sideways , they are crooked . Look at their faces and bodies ! They are diseased , they will soon die . " When I pointed these things out my fellow Christians seen what these so called " Ministers of God " looked like . At this they , like I had already done , completely ignored these people . This made those in control mad so they decided to try something they had not done yet . They decided to let us see our family and friends . Albeit we could only see those who had taken the bushel of apples in their hands . For this I was distressed . Because I knew that if our family and friends tried to talk us into denying Christ then because we were weak we might do just that . I saw our family and friends walk into our room , they were all wearing baggy pants . They came at us with reasoning and so called love . They acted like they cared for us and our best interests were the only things on their minds . They were trying to trick us , through the power of the mind , saying that God had forgiven them . They knew that this was the way things were . All of them cried for us . All of them mourned for us . Saying , " Please in the name of God receive what will save your lives ! " I saw that both the reasoning of our family and friends and the love that my fellow Christians had for these people was started to get to all of us . We were on the verge of giving in , an action that I knew would mean we would die . So being scared past a point that I had never been , not only in this vision but also in my life , I prayed . I asked for God 's protection once again . Then even though our family and friends wore baggy pants God showed me what these people looked like . I saw a chilling sight . Instead of walking normal like people do , they had a strange walk . Their knees didn 't bend in the normal way . Instead they bent outwardly . Causing these people to walk crooked . I couldn 't think how they stopped themselves from falling over . They nearly fell with every step . Then I saw that with every step their walk got worse and it became more of a struggle . I thought , it won 't be too much longer before they fall over completely . I looked even closer and seen that they all had diseases . But none of my other eleven brother and sisters , including my wife , could see the condition of these family and friends . But one look at these sad people , these so called family and friends , and all your weakness and tiredness slipped away . For I wanted to make sure that I did not fall into the pit that these poor people had . It was a grim reminder to me of how truly bad hell had to be . Because what I saw was truly bad but I knew it couldn 't be as bad as hell . So for this I got scared and completely ignored the words they were trying to say to me . But my fellow brothers and sisters , including my wife , were listening to the words of these lost people . So I stood up and shouted , " do you all not see the way these people walk and look ? " They still didn 't seem to understand what I was saying so I said , " Look at their legs ! They walk sideways , they are crooked . Look at their faces and bodies ! They are diseased , they will soon die . " When I pointed these things out my fellow Christians seen what these so called family and friends looked like . At this they , like I had already done , completely ignored these people . So the so - called " Ministers of God " walked sideways . These people were crooked . They were diseased . Our so called family and friends walked sideways also . They were crooked like the others . And they to were diseased . I knew that both the " Ministers of God " and our family and friends who had taken the bushel of the apples would die and soon ! Then the man that I said was a man of power seen that his attacks could do no damage despite the condition we were in . So in his anger he yelled , " I will not put up with you much longer . Soon , very soon , you will die ! " But this threat from a man that could only kill the body and not the soul affected none of us . Matter of fact I saw in my vision that most of us yearned for death in the way that you do when you want to see someone you haven 't seen in a very long time . Every one of those who were trying to convince us that we should take the bushel of apples tore their clothes and mourned . The guards , the " Ministers of God , " and our family and friends . They all mourned as they left our room . I thought to myself , I should be mourning you but yet you mourn me . I will be in a place of peace very soon ; you will be in a place of torment very soon . This thought made me weep for these people . That night I tried to find another way out . I saw that in the football field was where all the guards stayed in their tents . I saw that the guards were having a party tonight . The reason they were celebrating was because their ruler had said that soon we would die ! But because they were having a party tonight there were only three guards watching over the entire field . I knew that if I could knock out at least one of the guards then I would be okay . I then could escape . I crawled over to where one of the guards , the other two was walking together , stood scanning the area . I heard music coming from where the other guards were having a party . I smiled because in their fun I was going to escape . When I had gotten close enough to the lone guard I stood up . With my left hand - I was behind him - I covered his mouth . With my right hand I tried to knock the guard out . I tried a move that I had seen in the movies a long time ago but it didn 't work . So I tried again but with the same result . I seen that I was lost , I couldn 't knock the guard out so now what was I supposed to do ? What else could I do but pray . The guard had been stunned by my surprise attack . But when he seen that I couldn 't do any damage to him he laughed out loud . ( He still couldn 't get loose from me holding him . ) Then he hooted over and over again . Each time getting louder . The guards at the football field would never be able to hear the guard I was holding . For they were having a party and their music was loud . But the other two guards would hear this guard very soon . I didn 't know what to do . He kept getting louder with every hoot . The two guards patrolling were getting closer and soon they would hear the hooting . So I decided the only thing I could do to quiet the guard I was holding down was to tickle him . The man started to laugh . I quickly realized I shouldn 't have tickled him . For his laugh was louder than his hoot . The two patrolling guards heard him and started running toward us yelling at the top of their lungs . I couldn 't run back toward our room for that was the direction the guards were coming from . I knew I had to do something quick so I took off toward the bleachers by the football field . What else could I do ? I hid under the bleachers but by the time I had got there the alarm had been sounded . What I seen next scared me worse than anything else I had seen . I knew there were a lot of guards at this school but I saw so many , more than I could count . I saw some were little , some were big . But there were so many they couldn 't even move that well ! Led by the man of great power they searched the field looking for me . How would I escape ? Since their numbers were so many it wasn 't long before they found me . Some of the guards took me and led me to the one of great power . They beat me severely before I even reached their leader . I nearly died from this abuse . When we finally reached the man of power , the guards holding me dropped me hard to the ground . Because I had been beat so bad this drop to the ground knocked me out . But just before I passed out I heard this man say . " Gather all of them together ! My patience , which has been so great , is worn thin . I will kill them all ! " Everyone cheered and I passed out . I woke up and saw that I was lying on the floor in the hallway of the school right at the bottom of the steps . There was a guard holding a gun toward me . I looked and saw my wife standing by me and my fellow Christians standing in a line leading into a classroom I never had been in before . Inside the room I saw a few guards and the three men from the beginning of this vision . The one who sat in the large expansive chair offering the bushel of apples . The one who held the knife to my throat and the same who had great power . The one who held my arms down , threw us all in the classroom at first , and made the other guards worship the man with great power . All three of them were in this classroom . " They 're going to kill us now , " my wife said with no emotion . She continued , " They wanted to kill us first . But they couldn 't wake you . So they put us in the back of the line . They 'll torture you and me because you 're the one they truly hate . So now we have a little more time but we 're still going to die . And now we have to watch all of those whom we love die . " I said , " I love everyone in this building . " I struggled to get up but couldn 't . I don 't know why I couldn 't get up , I was hurting but not severe enough to the point I couldn 't get up . So my wife bent down to help me up . But before she could we heard the man with power say , " This is your last chance . Die or accept the apples . " I heard one of my sisters in Christ Jesus scream , " I choose to die ! " With that I heard a gun shot go off . Then those in line started crying and screaming . I heard a woman shriek . I heard one of my brothers , the one whose wife was just killed , tearfully but calmly say , " I choose to die . " With that came another gun shot . I heard more crying and more screaming . I heard the same woman shriek but this time I heard something else . " Boss , boss ! " A soldier came running down the steps . " They need you boss , it 's urgent . Come with me now and I can get you there in less that three hours . " The man with the power said , " Kill them all except for these two . " He pointed at my wife and I . " I want to kill them myself . " With that he brought a boot straight down on my head . I passed out immediately . " Get up , hurry ! " I heard my wife say . I struggled to get up but with my wife 's help I was able to stand , unlike before . " Hurry , come on ! " My wife started to walk up the steps so I followed . The guard who was on the steps with his gun pointed at us was still there but his gun was facing down now . We walked past him and he didn 't say anything . When we got to the top of the stairs I asked my wife , " Where are we going ? " " The place that you thought was the second floor is really the first . And the place you thought was the first floor is really the basement or lower level . " She said . " Now we 've got to be quiet so we can sneak past the cafeteria . " " Okay . " I said . I didn 't talk again until we were outside . Even though I had a lot of questions like why did that guard on the steps let us go ? Are all my other brothers and sisters dead ? But for now we were in the hallway leading to the cafeteria on the " first floor . " We heard a lot of voices coming from the cafeteria . Judging by what they were saying I knew they were guards . Also judging by what they were bragging about I knew that all my brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus were dead ! Very quietly we walked past the entrance to the cafeteria . None of those inside the cafeteria saw or heard us walk by . Just after the entrance to the cafeteria , which is on the left side of the hallway , there was another hallway on the right . This hallway led outside ! We walked through the doors and we were now outside . There was no fence blocking our way . There were no guards watching over us . For all the guards except the one on the steps were in the cafeteria drinking , eating , and being merry . We walked to the main road and I turned around to take on last look at the place I called home for so long . ( Remember I do not know how long we were there . ) Then while I was looking at this school I realized it was the school I went to as a kid . Why hadn 't I known this before ? I know this school like the back of my hand . Why didn 't I know this place ? These were my thoughts at this time . I then saw that I was looking at the main entrance of the school . I knew that what I thought was the second floor was indeed the first floor . The reason that both the first floor and basement floor come out onto land without having to go up or down is because the school was built on a hill . But indeed the entrance of the school I was now looking at was the main part . After this we started to walk home . I asked my wife the one remaining question I had . Only now the question was burning me in my soul . I didn 't understand so I asked , " Why did the guard on the steps let us go ? " " I don 't want to talk about that right now , " she replied , so we didn 't . But this question was burning my soul and I had an awful feeling about it . I couldn 't understand what was wrong . ( On our way home we crossed some hard times . There were at least three or four incidents that occurred . But I cannot remember what happened . I do know that only by the grace of God did we make it home safely . ) We walked into our house and it appeared that no one was there . Then we got scared for we didn 't know where our kids were . So my wife screamed their names . That 's when we heard our kids yell for us . We went running in the direction of the sound and met my parents and our kids in the hallway . We all embraced and cried for our great happiness . I asked my parents how they got back here . ( I do not remember what happened before my wife and I was standing in the line going into the school . But I know we were not at home when the people who held us captive captured everyone . Instead we were all visiting a certain family member . ) My parents answered the question I asked but I cannot remember their answer because I cannot remember what happened before what I have written . But I do know that like my wife and I the only reason they made it home was because of the grace of God . They asked us what happened to us and how we got out of the prison we were in . So we told them everything . After this we all just enjoyed each other 's company . With that my mother cried and while in tears said , " I have big and nice carpet here . I won 't have such nice carpet somewhere else . " Her tears flowed even harder . Then she asked , " Do you think I 'll be able to take the carpet with us ? " My father said , " There is no way ! We won 't have the room for that . We are just going to have to take the things we need . Nothing else but what we need ! " After hearing his answer my mom left the room crying all the more . I stated , " Something else is bothering her . " Everyone agreed . At that time my dad left the room to see what was wrong with my mother , leaving my wife and my kids in the room alone . We played and laughed . We thanked and praised God for his kindness . It was a joyful time . While playing with our kids I saw that even though we had been in prison for a long time our kids had not gotten a day older . At that moment the question that burned in my soul came to mind . So while we were still playing I asked my wife . " Why did that guard on the steps let us go ? " I saw she got nervous . " Please , I said I don 't want to talk about it . Don 't ask me again . " I knew something was wrong and this question had to be asked . But for now I did not want to ruin this happy reunion so I said nothing more . After this I went to talk with my mother . She was in her room and I walked in . I asked , " What is truly bothering you ? " At first she didn 't answer so I stood there in silence . Then she finally said , " I have planted too many trees in this area just to up and leave . This is hard on me ; it 's just too hard ! This is just too much stress ! Do you know how much stress this is causing me ? " I then left the room for there was nothing more to say . When I got into the hallway God knocked me to the ground . In my vision I had a vision . I saw the guard who was on the steps and who had let us go . He was standing in front of the man with great power . I could see the guard was scared and the man with great power was angry . This powerful man said , " Why are those who I hate not here ! You were the one who was supposed to guard them ! You had a gun , they had nothing ! What happened ? " The guard stumbled in his words , " The wife of the man who won 't listen to common sense . The man you hate . She told me that she loved her children . And if there was anything she could do before she died it would be to see them . I felt bad for her because I too would want to see my kids before I died . So I asked her what she wanted me to do . She said if I let her and her husband go see their kids then she would come back and die in happiness . So since I felt so bad for her and I believed that she would come back , I let her and her husband go . " I could see the hate in the man with great power . He screamed , " But she lied to you ! " The guard lowered his head and didn 't say a word . I could see he was depressed but not because he let us go . But instead he was depressed because my wife lied to him . The man with great power looked at everyone else in the room . He said , " Do you see what these Christians are like ? They 'll try to deceive you and they 'll always lie to you ! " He then turned his attention back to the guard who let us go . The powerful man looked at the man that causes people to worship him and said , " Prepare my transportation . We will go and hunt down these outlaws . Go ! I will come in a minute . " With that everyone who was in the hallway ran up the stairs leaving only the man of power and the guard that let us go . There was no one else ! The man with power pulled out a gun and pointed it at the guard . He smiled and said , " I will kill you now . You have done something that is not acceptable . But with that aside , I 'm going to kill you simply because I enjoy taking another 's life . " At that instant the man who sat in the large expensive chair appeared out of no where . He stood directly to the left of the powerful man laughing . I saw the guard 's eyes get wide and he tried to scream from fear . But even though he tried he couldn 't scream or even make a sound . Then I saw he couldn 't move either . The man with great power threw his head back in laughter and said , " You go to meet my father . " With that I heard and I saw the gun fire and the guard drop to the floor dead . That 's when my spirit and body was back in the hallway of my house . I was on my knees and sweat was pouring down my face . Then God spoke , " If you kill by the sword , you die by the sword . Because of the wickedness of your wife death was brought upon the man whom let you go . And because of this , death will be brought upon you and your family . " On my knees in the hallway I cried loud and hard . All of my family ran into the hallway to see what was wrong . So I told them everything God told me . My family got scared and started crying . My wife went into a bedroom , all alone , to pray and ask God for forgiveness . My mother replied , " I don 't know if I can go . How can I ? I have too many trees here , how can I leave them ? " " What good are all these trees if you 're dead ? " My father stated . " Would you rather be dead with trees or alive with trees ? I don 't understand you ! " I was still on my knees and while my parents were having this conversation I was praying for my wife . As soon as my dad asked the question of me I felt like God in his loving mercy granted all of us forgiveness . My wife must have gotten the same feeling in her prayers because when I stood up she walked out of the bedroom . I smiled at her and she knew why I did so she smiled back . I then looked at my parents and told them that the prophet of God said I was going to die . Then I said , " and even though my wife has been forgiven I believe that she will die to for punishment of her sin . If both of us die then that would fulfill God 's promise when he said , ' death will be brought upon you and your family . ' ( That is assuming that God only meant my wife and I , we did not know at this point . ) Let my wife and I go first . You and the kids will come almost directly behind us . So that when those who hate Christ Jesus capture us , you 'll be able to make it to the beautiful land . I honestly believe you 'll make it if you come almost directly behind us . " We were all in agreement , so we gathered to pray . We told one another that we loved each other . My wife and I kissed the kids and told them that we would be back together soon . Because our kids were so young they would not be able to understand that their daddy and mommy would soon be dead . To say this farewell was sad would be an understatement . So just before my wife and I walked out to leave I went and got some money . This was money I received from my last paycheck just before they gathered everybody together at the school . ( My memory fails me a little at this point . ) I know that the total amount of money I had was in the $ 600 range . It 's what bills that equaled this amount that I forget . I had ten $ 20 bills , two $ 100 bills , and a $ 278 or $ 287 bill . Or I had ten $ 20 bills , one $ 100 bill , and a $ 378 or $ 387 bill . ( Through prayer I have been told what everything in this vision stands for and means except this part . What is the significance of such a strange bill ? I do not know . ) Nonetheless my wife and I left the house . Now because the Lord told me a long time ago to keep my car filled every time I come home I have at least kept one of them full . The one with a full tank of gas is the one we got in and drove off . During this first part of the trip we didn 't talk much for sadness was in our hearts . About twenty miles from the house I realized the car was near empty . Perhaps I didn 't have the tank full , but I 'm almost positive I did . So we had to stop or run out of gas . I pulled off the highway and into a gas station . The gas station was packed . That was not something we needed for we were trying to stay out of sight . Now I know that we were only twenty miles from the house and the area I grew up in . But even though the gas station was packed everyone there was someone I knew . Either friends or enemies from school and my younger life . Family members or those I have worked with before . This sight troubled me . I filled the tank and my wife went in to pay . While I was filling a few of my old friends came up to me . These are two people I thought would never have done me wrong . But one of my old friends was full of hate . He cursed at me and then he spit on me . He would have fought me or even killed me if not for my other friend . This other friend grabbed the one who was attacking me and told him to leave . The one whom was attacking reluctantly walked away . " Thank you . " I said . At that moment my wife walked out of the gas station and said , " They won 't accept our money . " She was scared . " What are we going to do ? " " That 's okay . I have an unlimited amount of apples . I don 't need to be paid back . " My friend then paused and said , " I must ask you a question . Now that life is so much easier due to the one great man , why did you not take the bushel of apples ? Why do you want life to be so hard ? " I replied , " There is nothing I 'm going through that Jesus did not go through first . And if I would have taken the bushel of apples , then like all of those who did , I would go to hell ! " I saw this offended him , I continued , " Now I must ask you a question . For the sin of Adam God said , in not as many words , ' Through hard work you will eat and live . ' Now knowing this , why do you think life should be easy ? " He suppressed his anger and said , " I understand your viewpoint , wrong as it may be . But nonetheless the one who gave us the bushel of apples has bypassed this curse God put on man . He is putting an end to all poverty and misfortune . If you want to know the truth , he has done more than this Jesus you say you love ! " I said , " I thank you for the gas but our conversation is over . It is useless to talk for it is too late for you anyway . I will cry for you ! " After I had said this I saw he wanted to kill me . So my wife and I jumped in the car and fled . As we were pulling off I heard this old friend of mine yell , " I hate you ! You need to be killed for you don 't even know what the word love means ! " As soon as we were out of sight of my old friend , out of love for him I cried . For the next twenty miles my wife and I thanked God for delivering us out of the hands of our enemies . We praised and rejoiced . We laughed and we sung . But then I saw the gas tank on my car was nearly empty again . What was going on ! Why was our gas running out so quickly ? Because we would have run out of gas I pulled off the highway and into another gas station . This one was packed with people like the other one was . Before I got out I said , " God provided someone to pay for our gas last time . Perhaps He will do it again . But if this where we die just remember God is in control and I love you . " I replied , " Yes we should pray . Not only for us but also for our kids and my parents . Because we had to stop again they would have to be past us already . Let 's pray for us and them . " So we prayed and then I got out . Despite the fact that we were now forty miles away from the house and the area I grew up in , I knew everyone at the gas station . I looked for someone that would pay for my gas . When I saw three of my cousins walking up to me I started to fill my tank . For surely one of them would pay for my gas . Two of my cousins were full of hate . I thought to myself , Oh no , here we go again . Like before they cursed at me and then spit on me . They would have even fought me or killed me if not for my other cousin . This cousin of mine stood in between my other two cousins and me and told them to leave . Since they didn 't want to start a fight with both my cousin and I , they walked away acting as if they won a fight . " Thank you . " I said . At this moment I felt sad for this cousin of mine . I had always known he wasn 't exactly smart . He had accepted the bushel of apples probably not knowing how truly wrong it was . So I said , " I only wish I would have been able to talk with you before you took the bushel of apples . I could have showed you how wrong it was to do that . Yes , I believe that that is a regret of mine . " He replied , " I knew perfectly well what I had done . " His intelligence surprised me , then he continued . " I only pledged my allegiance with the true savior of all men . He has given me great knowledge and that is more than Jesus gave me . Fear not my dear cousin , I only denied Jesus who was a man of lies and embraced the true man of peace . My only regret is that my child died before he could receive the bushel of apples . " This made him mad and he said , " I will pay for your gas because I have said I would . But look around this gas station . Everyone here hates you because you do not know love . Leave now before I kill you myself ! " I looked around and saw everyone there wanted to kill me . For the next twenty miles my wife and I thanked God for delivering us out of the hands of our enemies . Not once , but twice . We praised and rejoiced . We laughed and we sung . After this I saw once again that the gas tank on my car was near empty . As I pulled into yet another packed gas station I said , " This is the last time . If the gas runs out this fast again then it is meant for us to walk . But like before if this is the place where I am to die then remember God is the one in control and I love you . " My wife was near tears once again but didn 't say anything . I stepped out of the car and without looking around I began to fill my tank . Once the tank was full and the nozzle replaced I looked around . Just like before , even though we were now sixty miles from where I grew up , I knew everyone . I couldn 't understand . Three gas stations completely packed full of people and I had not seen one stranger . It just didn 't make sense . Then a man and a woman walked up to me . These were two people I considered true friends . At one time the man followed me around trying to be like me . And at one time the woman was someone I could tell anything to . We were as close as friends could get . But it was the man who cursed at me and spit on me . He would have even fought me or killed me if not for the woman who was my friend long ago . She told him to leave and that she would take care of everything . This man who once wanted to be just like me reluctantly walked away . " Thank you , " I said . " Don 't worry about it . I 'm just happy to see you again . Is there anything I can do for you ? " she asked . I said , " Yes , please pay for my gas . " She said she would so instead of getting into another fight I said , " Once again , thank you . I wish you the best in all you do . " I wanted to leave before something bad happened . I started to get in my car when she said , " Please do something for me . I want you to accept the bushel of apples so that you won 't be killed . Just do it so that you will live ! Look around you , do you see all these people in this gas station ? They all accepted the bushel of apples . So have most of the people in this world . Only a small few have not . Please for me , will you do it ? " I cannot , " I said , then I continued , " besides I am not of this world . Jesus was not of this world . I must , in every aspect of my life , be like Jesus . So you trying to convince me because the rest of the world has done it will not work . That argument only makes my conviction stronger because the Bible said this would happen . A matter of fact there is no way you could convince me . I will not deny my Lord Christ Jesus . " She said , " Look around again ! Are you trying to tell me that all these people are wrong but you are right ? Perhaps you forget that I knew you long ago . I knew the way you were and to say you 're right and the rest of the world is wrong is nothing more than you being the way you were . I thought this Jesus was supposed to make a change in you . But what I see is the same person . I do not see love in you but rather hate for all the people of this world . " I answered , " Jesus has made a change . " At this moment I saw the man who at one time followed me . He was walking back up to my car but this time he had five other people with him . These five people were at one time people I called my friends . I would have liked to continue my conversation with this old friend of mine but could not . The woman in whom I could , at one time , tell anything to said , " Go ! I 'll stop them from getting in their cars and chasing you . Hurry go and take care of yourself . " I said as I jumped in my car , " I will cry for all of you . " I then took off just as the men were upon me . As I pulled away they were yelling insults and threats . I saw that the hostility at this last gas station was much worse than the first or even the second one . I knew I could not stop for gas or for anything again . Besides I had already told my wife that if we had to stop again then it was meant for us to walk . After I was out of sight of the gas station , out of love for all of them who were there I cried . This time I cried longer than before . I was getting to the point that I couldn 't take it anymore . Nonetheless for the next ten miles my wife and I thanked God for delivery us out of the hands of our enemies . Not once , not twice , but three times . We praised and rejoiced . We laughed and we sung . But this time everything changed . The rest of my life changed . While I was driving in my vision praising God I had a vision . My spirit was taken back to the house where we all had been . I saw the man with great power standing at the end of our driveway . He had a walkie - talkie in one hand and a gun in the other . Five guards were standing right by him ; they were obviously his bodyguards . Despite the fact that guards were always around him before , this was the first time I saw him have protection . But this was also the first time I ever saw him away from the school and out in public . A man from a van came running up to the man with power . He said , " Sir we have the whole place surrounded . On your order fifty men will go rushing in there . " The man with great power said , " Do not kill anyone . I want them alive ! Go , go , go ! " The man who ran out of the van grabbed his walkie - talkie and prepared to tell his men to go . At this point my spirit was taken into the house . Inside I saw my parents and my kids . They were trying to grab as much stuff as they could . I thought , what are they still doing here ? Oh no , now they will die ! No God , please save them . " You 've been saying that since they left and that was over two hours ago . ( He was talking about my wife and I . ) Will you please just come on . We 've got to go ! " my father replied . My mom said , " I just can 't leave you know . I 've got too much stuff here . It 's worth too much just to leave it all behind . " She nearly started to cry but the front door was broken in . Men rushed in holding guns pointed straight at my family . Other men searched the house . Once the armed men knew they had the house searched and that it was safe they called the man with great power . They told him it was safe for him to come in . A few moments later he walked into the house . Once he saw that my wife and I weren 't there he got mad . He looked at my parents and said , " Where is your son ? " Neither of them answered him so he shot and killed my dad . Then he said to my mother , " I will kill one of these children unless you tell me where your son is ! " Before my mother had a chance to answer the man who had run out of the van came running into the house . This man said , " Sir , we know where the one you hate is . He was spotted at three different gas stations . We know which way he is headed and within fifteen minutes the satellites will be tracking his every move . " The man in power smiled and turned back toward my mother . He then said , " I gave you a chance but you didn 't take it . " Then he looked at his guards and as he was walking out he said to them . " Kill all of them ! " At this moment I was back in the car with my wife . The car was slowing down even though I was pressing the gas . I saw that while I was having the vision I had also drove over ten miles . I then saw the gas hand was on empty . We had run out of gas . But what I did not know was who drove the car while I was in the spirit having this last vision ? She heard the emotion in my voice so she asked what was wrong ? We got out of the car and started walking . We headed away from the highway and toward some nearby woods . As we walked , I told her of my vision . We both broke down in tears . All we could do was hold one another . Finally we stopped walking and dropped to the ground where we never got up again . So I prayed about it for a long time . Then finally I received an answer from God . So I told my wife the answer . " You and I will die in this position very soon . You will die because you lied and brought death upon another . I will die because I did not listen to God when I knew He was speaking . My father died because he did not take control of his house . Instead he let my mother run it . My mother died because she controlled my dad and because her stuff was much more important than God was , when you get right down to it . So therefore our kids were killed for their own good . Because there was no one other than children of Satan to take care of them . That is why our kids were killed and I thank God for it . " This answer was a comfort to both of our hearts . Then we saw the man with great power and around a hundred men walking toward us . My wife and I held hands and smiled at each other . We knew this was it , we knew both of us would be killed . Thank you God . Thank you for everything . The last thing I saw in this vision was the smile on the face of the man of power , also the sword in his hand that he was going to use on us . It was then I woke up and I jumped out of bed . I looked at the clock and saw I was late for work . But nonetheless I prayed before leaving and thanked God for providing me with this vision . It answered everything I had been praying about . We are in good hands when we are in Your hands God . Thank you . Amen .

" My bag is probably weighing down the wrong part , " I thought to myself , partly amused and partly regretful about how much I had packed . 51 pounds . Yes . Somehow I had jammed 51 pounds of stuff into my suitcase for my three month trip to Nicaragua . Indeed , three months is considered by most to be quite a long trip , but 51 pounds borders on ridiculous . As I thought about it , it seemed to be symbolic of the ever present need of material things exerting its temporary comfort in my life , but remaining ultimately unsatisfying . This temporary material compensation gets worse when I 'm stressed . Leaving home for several months has its challenges . Hence the fifty - one pounds . However , I have found that the more stuff I have , consequently , the more stuff I have to worry about . It 's a strange addiction … . or maybe it 's more of a habit . It is a part of our culture , certainly . Galatians 6 : 7 - 8 Make no mistake about this : You can never make a fool out of God . Whatever you plant is what you 'll harvest . If you plant in the soil of your corrupt nature , you will harvest destruction . But if you plant in the soil of your spiritual nature , you will harvest everlasting life . That fifty - one pounds gives me a fleeting satisfaction with here and now . One thing about the joy that comes when I am certain that I am doing what God calls me to do is that in service to Him , I become truly satisfied . It is enduring and gives joy when I revisit those memories . It is easy to forget what that joy feels like , though , and if I 'm not focused on God , then I have trouble knowing where to go and what to do next to find it again . Fear and worry then come to the forefront and I quickly attempt to muffle them by , metaphorically speaking , packing an extra jacket or shoving more outfits into my suitcase . I don 't just use material things for distraction ; food and entertainment also have their place . What I should do is take a minute to pray for peace and guidance . I know God will prepare and provide for what comes . My little discomforts will not even be noticed or remembered . People ask me if I 'm worried about traveling to another country . Yes . But I am more concerned about losing my way in the world and being wrapped up in my own selfishness . Sometimes it takes the physical challenge of dragging 51 pounds around and a reminder from the Captain overhead that I might need to re - evaluate . Tonight I landed in Managua , Nicaragua . When I was looking for the address of the hotel where I will be staying the night , I came across a Yelp review that essentially compared the hotel to a North American or European standard with a searingly negative review . I suppose it is all about perspective because I thought this hotel was exceedingly nice especially given that it is located in the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere ( … although it is rich in spirit and culture … ) . I 'm glad I 'm coming from that perspective and again I will make a conscious attempt to let go of all the things I " need " that I don 't truly need . For the most part , I need faith , my basic daily needs met , safety , purpose , and the ability to sustain old relationships and build new ones . I think that 's a good start . We will see what tomorrow brings . Yesterday I went up to ICU to see the baby that had the heart rate of 20 who had been resuscitated after birth by c - section . It was a dreadful sad thing to see . He was on a ventilator and he had only minimal response to pain . Still I prayed that he would get better . Usually , when bad things happen in a medical situation it is multi - factorial , but I felt ultimately responsible . Although I could never have known that the outcome would be this tragic , many " I should have " thoughts kept surfacing in my mind and " what if " questions that had no answers . Scribbled in the chart were the words " Family wants to wait two more days " . They were holding on to hope that their son would get better . The night before I hadn 't been able to sleep so I stayed up reading a book that one of my attendings gave me called " On Call " to completion . It was about a surgeon who had served as a missionary in Africa . In the dark , under my mosquito net , reading by flash light , I found some comfort in the struggles he faced and his ability to rely on God for unanswerable questions . " Lean not on your own understanding … " In one day I would be leaving . The other girls in the house and I went up to the rooftop and looked out in the evening over Raxaul Bazar . There were lights and colorful banners hung up across the town for a ten day Hindi celebration . All night there was music blasting , people singing , and parties everywhere . Motorcycles careened around the corner along side bicycles that maneuvered skillfully out of head on collisions at the last minute like a never ending game of " chicken " over and over . The sun was blood red in the sky , hanging just over a smog layer in the distance . Then it faded into night . Only men were out in the streets now , a dim glow from fluorescent lights spilling onto the streets . People stood idly talking . Men washed their hands at a water pump . The music played on . I was getting eaten alive by mosquitoes despite having sprayed myself with DEET . The mosquitoes didn 't seem to care , and especially had no mercy for the inside arch of my foot , which is needless to say a terrible place to have mosquito bites . While suturing up a vaginal laceration at one point during my day , they kept landing on my face and I couldn 't wipe them away . I was wishing I could twitch my skin like animals do . Not everyone was so unlucky to have so many bites and react as badly . Sometimes it 's the little things that can drive you mad ! One day , the girls wanted to go to the fruit and vegetable market so we went by the back way of the hospital . There is a very tiny gate you have to squeeze through and a small path to walk on . We had been warned to stay on the middle of the path because the sides of the path were actually the toilet . We walked mostly single file . We approached railroad tracks to walk down . Most of them had never walked on train tracks before - probably a wise decision . We were almost to where we turn off on the main road that leads into Nepal when we heard the train coming . It wasn 't close enough to hurt us but we ran laughing to the other side , well clear of it . Sometimes you do things here out of necessity that you would never do at home . At the closed gate around the train tracks a pile of motorcycles and trucks piled up immediately . Despite the closed border of Nepal , the traffic was still hectic . Men turned their motorcycles sideways to get them under the gate . I weaved through the traffic , turning sideways to fit in between the vehicles at times . There are so many sights and sounds and throngs of people that everyone gets sensory overload . Inevitably when you aren 't used to it , just an hour outside walking around plus the heat and humidity make a person tired and ready to rest . We got to the market and it was beautiful and filthy at the same time . It was alive and dead simultaneously . All around me were sacks , baskets , and piles of vibrantly colored spices . Sellers sat amount big piles of fruit and vegetables . There was a sweet block of something that I can 't remember the name of that attracted so many flies that it was more covered in flies than not . There was a rancid rotting smell sometimes and and at other times a delicious smell would waft through . I really wanted to try or smell all the spices . I had a silly fleeting vision of throwing all the spices and watching it color the air . It probably would have been too hard to buy much of anything without having someone who spoke Hindi with us so I didn 't try . The market went on and on but there wasn 't need to go further since it was all about the same . There were so many repeats of the same thing being sold that I wasn 't sure how anyone made a profit at all . Some of the girls needed to go to an ATM so we found a bank . The rest of us stood outside . At one point , a man came up to us , stood about five feet away , and just stared . After he had satisfied whatever curiosity he had , he turned and walked away . We shrugged . We were , after all , a rather odd sight in the middle of Raxaul in the most lawless state in India . When we got back to the guest house , it felt like a quiet sanctuary . Everyone was tired . I was still thinking about the baby . I went to take a nap and escaped my thoughts for three hours in a restless , tossing sleep . I was to leave soon and it was time to make travel plans back to Delhi . Because of the elections , no hospital vehicles were being used to transport guests because any private vehicle if out driving in the streets could be suddenly recruited to help in elections and then returned weeks later regardless if the person wanted it to be used or not . Therefore the safest thing was not to drive your vehicle . I would need to get a ride from a taxi company , however in a fortunate turn of events , two other guests were leaving at the same time so I was able to ride with them . One of the guests also spoke Hindi , making our travel even easier . Because of the strike and closure of Nepal border , half the road was taken up for miles and miles by trucks parked on the side of the road . This was to our advantage in the end because the overall traffic was less . This meant that a normally seven / eight hour drive to Patna took about five and a half hours . There is a giant bridge we had to cross that people joked we had about 75 % chance of getting across alive . Apparently , when it was built maybe ten years ago , it 's infrastructure was never meant to carry the heavy overloaded trucks . All the drivers had to do was pay the man at the front a little extra fee to be allowed drive their overloaded truck across . The result of that was that parts of the bridge were ruined and everyone had to jam into one lane on parts of it or face certain peril . No one seemed to mind , though , as long as they got across . Again , we met less traffic that usual and we made it without trouble . We stopped at a KFC , which does far better here than McDonalds ( beef … ) . It wasn 't my choice , but we knew it would be safe to eat . It was empty and very fancy ; probably too expensive for most people to spend on lunch . I wondered if it picked up at dinner . We made it to the airport early and I had three hours to waste . I can sleep anywhere and sitting up so that 's what I did . Soon I was on a flight to Delhi . Crossroads October 18 , 2015October 20 , 2016 ~ themissioncalling ~ Leave a comment Come to me , all who are tired from carrying heavy loads , and I will give you rest . Place my yoke over your shoulders , and learn from me , because I am gentle and humble . Then you will find rest for yourselves because my yoke is easy and my burden is light . ~ Matthew 11 : 28 Stand at the crossroads and look . Ask which paths are the old , reliable paths . Ask which way leads to blessings . Live that way , and find a resting place for yourselves . ~ Jeremiah 6 : 16 It was time to do my first Caesarean section as primary surgeon . A week prior my attending had said , " Your first c - section will be a breech baby with a head too large to come out . Next week there will be one . " Indeed , she was now here on the operating table . My attending was standing across from me guiding me through steps I had observed at least twenty times before , but now I was actually doing them . When we had incised down to the uterus , I reached with my right hand into the uterus , grabbed onto the baby 's bottom placing my index finger into the fold of the hip and when I pulled the baby out , I pulled it so that it 's back was against the mothers abdomen ( it 's feet pointed at mom 's head ) and my attending gave fundal pressure so that the head finally came out last . Baby saved . Two days later , I was looking over a patient 's chart when one of the nurses called me over . A laboring patient in her first pregnancy was having decelerations , which are signs of fetal distress , however these decelerations were what we call " early decelerations " and were not as concerning as " late decelerations " . Late decelerations occur after the mother has had a contraction . We watched the baby 's heart rate and response to the contractions closely , but the baby wasn 't responding well whenever there was a contraction . After two late decelerations , we decided she needed a Caesarean section and ordered the trolley ( stretcher ) to come . I checked the heart rate just before she left the labor room for the OR and the baby 's heart rate was reassuring . I changed and scrubbed for surgery . I thought everything was going fine because we were about to do a C - section to get this baby in fetal distress out and so I was discussing the case with the medical student while we scrubbed and the OR staff was bringing the patient back to the operating table . I was wrong . Suddenly , I became aware that the OR staff could not locate a heart beat . We took an ultrasound and could see it beating at 20 beats per minute when it should have been well over 100 . Immediately , we proceeded to the get baby out in probably less than five minutes . The baby was rushed out of the room to be resuscitated . It was a boy . He was pulseless now . Chest compressions went on for 15 minutes and he was intubated . They could not get a pulse . Meanwhile , I was in the OR starting to close the uterus . I was praying in my head . I was praying that the baby was okay . I was praying I would close the uterus properly . The uterus was bleeding and I couldn 't see well . The assistant knew me well and she said , " Don 't panic and just go on . It will be okay . " I was thinking a lot . And praying . I said , " I 'm thinking about what happened , replaying everything in my mind . I 'm wondering what I could have done better . I wonder what the patient and family thinks . And I wonder what I 'm supposed to learn from all of this . I don 't really know the answers to these questions . " We finished in the OR and walked out to do paperwork with heavy hearts . The Australian medical student saw me and said , " The baby is alive . " I had her tell me again to be sure I was hearing her correctly . Apparently , just as they had given up hope , the medical student had seen a heart beat . They had taken the baby to ICU intubated . Unfortunately , on the way there it accidentally got extubated and had to be reintubated . I prayed some more . I can 't begin to describe all the thoughts I had and the weight and feeling of responsibility . I thought to myself several times if I was capable of bearing that weight . I have thought about it all day today . Surely , if it is the burden that God wants me to bear then he will equip me to handle it . The last I heard , the baby was alive . In about two weeks time , I have seen and learned an incredible amount from a medical perspective in high risk obstetrics . That is certainly a privilege . The knowledge drives me onward … In church today , a missionary / pastor named Mike talked about the restlessness we have in our spirits and how the paradox of Christianity is that God gives us a burden to carry and offers peace within that burden . He said that " God 's yoke fits you " and " His character is revealed in you " . The question is , ' How do we labor with a refreshed soul ? ' If we leave the burdens that are fickle and take up the task God gives us , then he will give us His grace in which we can rest . I feel as I near the end of my residency that I am at a cross roads . What is my purpose ? What do I do from this point ? Little Flower October 11 , 2015January 16 , 2017 ~ themissioncalling ~ Leave a comment My thoughts are not your thoughts , and my ways are not your ways , " declares the Lord . " Just as the heavens are higher than the earth , so my ways are higher than your ways , and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts … My word , which comes from my mouth , is like the rain and snow . It will not come back to me without results . ~ Isaiah 55 : 8 - 11 Today we went to Little Flower Leprosy Hospital and the village for the leprosy families . It is only a fifteen minute walk from Duncan and it is a beautiful , peaceful walk through the rice fields . It is quite a contrast from the bustling streets a few minutes away that are lined with merchants and full of honking cars and motorcycles . The hospital is a 140 bed hospital . We were to meet a girl named Anita who lives in the village , talking care of her parents who both have leprosy . I had met her the previous day at Duncan as she was going to have an interview for nursing school and upon finding out that she lived in the village , I asked if she could meet at 11 : 00am today . She said she would . The five of us ( two girls from Germany , one from Australia , M and myself ) walked to the front of the leprosy hospital and waited under the shade of some flowering trees . Three children came up to us and posed for a picture , acting shy at first . Nearby there were people doing laundry outside near a water pump and other little children running around , some without clothing . A young boy walked by and I saw that his hair was lightened from malnutrition . Anita was late , but not really late by Indian time so we decided to walk around for a bit , then come back and see if she was there . We walked down the Main Street and noticed that Sunday must be laundry day because everyone was washing and hanging up the laundry to dry . We walked into a silk scarf building where the scarves were hand made and sold . It was closed because it was Sunday , but we could still see where people worked . It looked like it was set up through Fair Trade organization . The village was nicely put together with a road and good drainage system in place . There were people all around with various wounds from the leprosy , mostly deformities of the feet . I particularly saw one man who was walking who had shoes in both feet but it didn 't seem that he had much of a foot to bend the shoe when he walked . We continued on and walked right to the border of Nepal with a river separating the two . On the other side were some guards in uniform with guns slung around their shoulders . They were laying down under the shade of a tree and when they finally noticed us , they all sat up . There wasn 't much to see and it was hard to imagine that there was so much turmoil surrounding the border . We had noticed people coming to the hospital from Nepal in bad condition due not being able to access healthcare earlier . When we returned to the leprosy hospital , Anita wasn 't there so we started to walk home . A few minutes later she came running up behind us , apologizing profusely . We didn 't mind . I felt bad in a way . She was the only girl of the family and the youngest so she was left to take care of both her parents . Later she showed us her home which for her mother , father , brother , his wife and their baby was two rooms . I 'm not sure that she even had a bedroom . The one nice room was given to her older brother and her father was bedridden . When we walked in to the room a very thin woman looking to be about 80 ( but she wasn 't ) was sleeping on the concrete floor next to a bed ( I am not sure who the bed belonged to if it wasn 't for her ) and this was Anita 's mother . Anita took us to a very nice building that was a community building where people could eat . They made tea for us which we at first had said no because we were late for lunch but I think in India you must stay for tea and this is no need most of the time to worry about being late . It was excellent chai . Then they asked if we wanted to buy silk scarves and that they would open the shop just for us . There were so many beautiful scarves that it was hard to choose . I felt strange , as I always do , spending thousands of rupees on scarves after just having seen the living conditions of Anita and her family . She stood next to me , so kind , intelligent , and helpful . I hoped that she would enjoy learning and be able to pursue her dreams despite being a girl and in the face of all life 's challenges . A woman at church shared a testimony tonight where she said they had some girls they were working with who did not only have no dreams or idea of self worth for themselves , but they did not even know what it was to have a dream . It is important to let people know that they have worth , that they are loved . The bible verse was discussed today in church and it made me think about how we do make a difference in seeking and doing God 's will . Through many people working together , this beautiful village for the outcasts of society was built and is still there today . Likewise , Duncan Hospital serves so many in need . Sometimes we struggle and we can 't see results until later , or maybe we never see it in our lives , but perhaps what we do today will give an opportunity for a girl to fulfill her dreams or a safe place for someome to stay or educate a healthcare worker to save a life . You can 't see the end product of what God is weaving , but like the silk scarves in Little Flower , God promises something beautiful will be the result from the work we put forth in serving Him . Morning Rounds , Day 1 October 2 , 2015 ~ themissioncalling ~ Leave a comment After breakfast , Dr . Christo stopped by to take us on rounds and show us the hospital . There are two parts of the hospital , an old and a new part . The older part is made of red brick and was built in the 30 's . The newer part was built sometime in the 2000s . It was funded in part by a loan that the hospital took out and secondly by a generous donation from a Scottish orthopedic surgeon who was aware of the need . Our cases today included discussion of a child with pulmonary TB with 200cc hemoptysis . We had a woman who had been turned away for c - section due to there not being enough room at the hospital so she went somewhere else , then returned septic with an abdominal infection . When we pressed on the abdomen , pus came out and there was tracking a bit deeper . With ultrasound we could see she has only a small amount of pelvic fluid and it appeared that the infection was mainly within the fascia , not deeper . She would be taken to surgery later by the German OB doctor to debride it . In ICU we had a woman who had AMS and fever for two months who presented 40 + weeks with child who was dead upon arrival . Her creatinine was 4 . 0 and she was anemic . They worry about central venous thrombosis due to the level of dehydration and in pregnant women the elevated risk of thrombosis . They might see one per month and if they continue to have AMS after delivery then they will get CT looking for that . There was a baby with neonatal sepsis . We did another ultrasound on a woman who came in with an O2 saturation of 68 % and we were trying to see if she had evidence of PE . On ultrasound we looked for right ventricular enlargement and there was none . Her inferior vena cava collapsed down when she would breathe , indicating dehydration . Here the way the blood bank system works is that if you take one , you have to have a family member give one unit back to the hospital . There is reluctance to do this , though , because people believe that their vitality is being taken from them . Many times , they won 't give blood for a woman because they are not considered valuable enough , so the patient will end up dying . In the postpartum area , one doctor will round on anywhere from 175 - 250 patients and currently due to lack of help , they are on call ever other day . I met the junior doctor on that service and he was happy and smiling , even laughing ! After one year here , they will have done maybe 200 C - sections on their own and all things here are high risk because if they could deliver at home , then they will . They have an area of eclamptic women and there were four in there . The hospital is maybe 230 beds and they have 80 nurses , so they are functioning about half of what they need . In labor ward the nursing ratio is 3 : 40 . The next patient was a suicide . It was from zinc oxide and he was doing fine . Suicide attempts are common and it is a compulsive thing , so not necessary from prolonged depression . People here are " living on the edge " . There was also an 11 year old boy who was recovering from organophosphate poisoning suicide attempt . He had been given atropine and was doing better . The atropine was making him hallucinate . We did a lumbar puncture in a woman who we thought may have scrub typhus , which is common here . They get thrombocytopenia . I checked for papilledema with a fundoscope and actually saw the optic disc well with the help of Dr . Christo guiding me . My skills that I have learned in medical school and have not used in the states can be important here . You have to be very good with physical exam . There was a woman with a Hgb of 3 , HR 140 's and hypotension , clearly septic . Dr . Christo offered to give one pint of blood if the family would show interest in giving three more pints to save her , otherwise we will need to discharge her to another hospital because she would surely die and be taking up an ICU bed . When they ask family members , they may say they are sick or weak and can 't give blood . She hasn 't had any urine output . It doesn 't look good even with transfusion . We prayed at the bedside for her . Next was a girl who had tetanus . She was not very old and was twenty days out from a burn on both her feet . She had three days of tetanus symptoms of trismus and when we raised her up , she was stiff like a board . She couldn 't open her mouth to cry but instead had a grinning expression where the mouth was drawing back . Dr . Christo said the later onset was a good sign because it was less aggressive . I met the OB I will be working with . She was hoping I had more experience than I did so that I would be of more help to them . Unfortunately , as soon as I get trained in C section enough to be more independent , then it will be time for me to leave and they really need more help . Actually , the orthopedic surgeon did the c - sections for a while when there was no one else . I will try to learn quickly ! Already so much to see and learn . It is definitely a strong supportive atmosphere for learning . We try to lift one another up … I don 't think we would survive without it . Chapel every morning at 8 , then 8 : 30am is morning report where all cases are discussed . This morning we had cereal , toast , a small omelette , and an orange for breakfast . I slept very well . We pulled our mosquito nets over our beds and we were asleep fast . The morning came fast but it is leisurely here today because of the holiday in celebration of Ghandi 's birthday . Christo will come by this morning and orient us to the hospital . I spent the morning discussing the difference between OB in the US vs . Netherlands with M . She is a mid - wife . Very interesting ! As you probably know , they routinely get three months of maternity leave for women and for men they also have paternity leave , but that is usually three days to one week . The food tastes really good here . I 'm not sure if it 's just me or if it is the freshness . It is hard , though , knowing I 'm eating so well when I just saw all the malnourished people . It will be a challenging month in many ways . I will begin where I left off , which was landing in the New Delhi airport . I wasn 't sure what to expect , but it was very nice and modern . It was air conditioned except for in the bathrooms . I got through customs just fine , in fact the customs officer didn 't ask me a thing . Then I walked out through the crowd of people waiting for their family members or assist travelers to an open area just before the airport exit . My friends from the airplane at that point met their contact and so we split ways , saying good bye and promising we would stay in contact through Facebook and maybe later meet up again in life if our plans coincided . Never fear ! I was not alone for long ! There was a coffee shop right near the exit so I decided that since I would be waiting for another three hours until 1 : 30 - 2 : 00am for M to arrive , I could use some caffeine … after all , I had no one to watch my bags . The cashier was on the phone when I went to order and he made me wait for several minutes until he finished his conversation . I wasn 't sure if that was because I was female or if it was because there was no competition , but I eventually ordered an iced coffee of sorts which turned out to be what seemed like three shots of espresso ( stronger than US ) and a few ice cubes . Now , I was at one point a barista and I definitely can handle caffeine but that was so strong that I got a little shakey ! And I was wired . At the same time I was paying , a very tall Asian guy in his 20 's with trendy black thick rimmed glasses and a hiking backpack came up to the counter and tried to ask the cashier if there was Wifi but in the middle of his question the cashier just walked away . I guess it wasn 't just me ! So I started talking to him and said there was no wifi . He looked disappointed ; he was going to try to blog . He just barely had some sort of accent I could make out but sounded almost like he could pass for American . All the seats were taken in the shop so we sat down on the ground and I used my suitcase as my chair . His flight wasn 't until 6am so we had time to kill . It turns out that he was an English major in Japan and taught English there . He had an around the world ticket and he was hoping to get into Columbia University in some sort of post graduate English teaching program and then go back to Japan to teach . He was extremely good at speaking and that explained why he barely had an accent . He said , " I 'm gonna go grab something to eat . " I smiled and said , " You are good at using American slang ! " He bought two muffins and shared them with me while I did an impromptu English slang lesson and helped him sound as American as possible . He had this thing that he did with the long " o " sound that made him sound British , which I actually thought sounded nice , but I helped him shorten it like Americans do and I 'm pretty sure we were amusing ( or confusing ) to the onlookers . It was was time to start watching for M . My Japanese friend was tired so he went up to a lounge to sleep . I waited a while for M , watching the stream of people , but she wasn 't there . I went outside to the pillar where the driver was supposed to meet me and he was there in a few minutes . A worker offered me his stool and I used that while driver went back to his taxi and I waited some more . Finally she came through the crowd . She was a little taller than me , fair , with light brown hair and blue eyes - easy to spot ! We hugged like we knew each other and she thanked me for waiting . Little did we know we were going to fear for our lives several times together ! Our driver , Mr . K , is an excellent driver … because we didn 't die or get in an accident somehow . On the roads there was usually someone two inches away in the other car and if there was the slightest opening , a motorcycle would slip through . I couldn 't make sense of when was appropriate to use your horn because it seemed like everyone just slammed on it all the time . People routinely step out into traffic as well . We made it to the YWCA which is in a nice area of town . I should mention it was probably in the 80s at night . We were escorted to our room which consisted of a bathroom , single bed with sheets and an optional comforter , and a TV . It was very clean . There was a unit air conditioner right over my head when I laid down . I kept it on for a while and then got too cold amazingly . I hardly slept at all because it gets light here at 5 : 30am and there were all kinds of sounds like the birds , insects , and traffic noise . I think that espresso was still working , too ! I got up early and showered . I had to turn the water heater on and got through about half of a shower with hot water . People regularly take bucket showers so that 's how I finished up . M was still asleep in her own room down the hall so I decided to venture to breakfast on my own ( I had already read the Indian newspaper that was slipped under the door at about 7am ) . There were two men eating in the well lit dining hall and three men serving a buffet style breakfast ( which is too many so they just stared a lot ) . They didn 't speak too much English so I tried to figure out what to do . It seemed kind of humorous to me that I would have trouble just fixing breakfast . You really do have to keep your sense of humor . There were were four bowls , one had butter , another jam , another some pickled vegetables , and the last a red kind of sauce . The server put in one slice of white bread to toast . I took two slices of naan and a little of each topping , as I wasn 't sure what was further down the buffet . The rest was a hard boiled egg and a white porridge . I chose delicious tea over coffee . I liked everything except the spicy pickled vegetables and figured out which condiment to use . Again , I felt very strange being female among all the men and by myself but I just ignored it and drank my tea as I looked out at the tropical plants . After M ate , we were taken to the main office of our organization . I never would have found it alone . We walked down a series of dimly lit hallways and got on a very very old lift that went up several floors and we were in the heart of New Delhi . It 's like the kind of scene in a movie where the drug deals go on … but apparently this is just normal . The office itself though is very nice ! There we met Mr . A who was very very stern so as to convey all bad things that could happen to us because he said safety was his biggest priority . M and I had moments that we questioned if we had made a mistake coming after we spoke with Mr . A . We were going to be going on a 24 hour train ride during which time we would need to buy chains to lock up our luggage . I had to exchange a good amount of money there , too , and I was glad I had a way to conceal it . Mr . A was not happy with our amount of medicine in case we had diarrhea and now I realize that 24 hours on a train with uncontrollable diarrhea is why he sternly made a shopping list for us before we got on the train . I had cipro with me , but he added norflox 400mg , and immodium . At the train station we had ten minutes to inhale some Indian McDonald 's … it was the only food guaranteed to be safe to eat . Again , residency training helped out : I got a spicy McChicken sandwich , fries , and a Fanta down no problem ! People were everywhere . Many people were just laying on he ground . There were countless number of big blue trains . We had to walk over a bridge to get to the far one and as one of the cars jam packed with people sweating in he sun and 90 something degree weather with their arms hanging out through the bars on the window pulled in , Mr K said something about that being our car . Then he looked at me and laughed , saying he was just kidding . When he said that to a previous doctor once , the doctor flat out refused to go . M and I were mentally prepared for pretty much anything , or so I thought . It turns out we were pleasantly surprised in that we were in an air conditioned car where we could store our luggage beneath the seats . We would be sleeping in the bottom bunks that were converted from the bench . Eight people would be sleeping in this small area of maybe six feet by eleven feet in width and length . M and I were on the bottom . There were two more bunks over our heads and two across a little hall . The only awkward thing is that they were all men again , about middle aged except one who was probably in his early 20s . The men basically ignored us , which we were glad for that . The younger one was from Rauxal so he helped translate sometimes . By this point I was so tired , I could sit with my back straight , as the bench forced you to do , and fall asleep . We couldn 't fall asleep too much because we still had to chain our bags . The train took off a little after 5pm and we got ready for bed around 8 . It was hard to believe it has only been yesterday I was in Ohio . Both my legs went numb from falling asleep sitting straight up and I really wished I had more padding for my behind , but I shifted around as much as I could . M and I didn 't say too much , as we wanted to remain private and inconspicuous . Later we got more comfortable . We chained our luggage and slept lightly . In the morning I was pretty sure my kidneys had failed … or that I was just terribly dehydrated . I hadn 't urinated since leaving the hostel so that was about 24 hours . I had rationed my water on purpose though so as to avoid having to go but it was time to face it . I chugged a bottle of water , as I could feel a headache coming on and went back to sleep . As dawn came about , I went to the squatter . I was already fearful of falling when I wasn 't on a moving train . This was a whole new level ! The hole was open to the railroad below and I had to place my feet on either side of the hole while the train was rocking . I had joked earlier with M that the train would probably stop while I was in there , which of course it did . I grabbed onto the railing in front if me and steadied myself . I had taken off my purse but still had my other money concealed on my person so I had to hold that up and I tried to not let any of my pants touch anything . Trying to not touch anything is really difficult . This area of the train is also not air conditioned . I was breaking into a legitimate sweat and I was wondering how non - physically fit people do this . Part of the issue was that rather than giving into gravity and doing a full low squat , I kept trying to half way squat because I didn 't want to fall backwards into the water that was pouring down the wall behind me . I also had a large shirt on that came down to mid thigh that I was worried would fall down into it . There was a moment where I told the germaphobe me to stop and just do my best . Somehow a little bit of my pants got wet , I don 't know how . I did my best to clean it in case I had inadvertently peed on myself . Next time I would do better . The train lurched into motion ; I lurched into the hallway . I made my way back to my sleeping area and rested some more . We still had 12 hours on this train to go . I just hoped I wouldn 't have to use the bathroom again . Late morning and all our bags were still there . M and I shared our food . We had bought bananas and oranges . We were told not to eat anything from the train or take food from strangers in case it wasn 't clean or they tried to drug us . There is mostly petty crime here so you have to just be cautious and alert . The city turned into countryside with lots of green fields of crops that I didn 't not know the names . People were farming and swimming or bathing in waterholes alongside the cows . I saw blind men at the train stops running their fingers along the train . I saw children who were malnourished . I saw beautiful women in lovely bright clothing . We arrived in Raxaul and a man came up to us with a badge that said our hospital . He said " Please . " And motioned for us to follow him . We got in the car marked with the hospital name and three more people jammed in with us . Then we drove down unmarked dirt roads with shacks and stalls all along it into a compound of the hospital . It was probably a 15 minute drive . We were escorted to the guest house . M and I share a room . I 'll try to take pictures . We met a woman from Canada who works here and she told us what to do . Tomorrow is a holiday . We will go with her to the market to buy traditional clothing . We had a warm meal of some sort of meat , broccoli , potatoes , carrots , and some kind of green bean . It was very good . We had not had much on he train . Then for dessert we were given frozen coconut sorbet ( homemade ) and I was so full that it hurt . Dr . Christo came and said hello . He said it was a very busy time for OB . A few days ago they had 36 deliveries in one day and range from 25 - 30 typically and 6 , 000 per year . There is a German OB here right now for the next few months .

A few years ago Rusty told me that if I wanted any more cats that they would have to match . Well where am I suppose to find another long hair grey persian ? So I found a black cat instead . Well now I am feeling a little lonely , so I have been looking at the local animal shelters web sights and none of them have any solid black cats ! What 's up with that ? I can 't believe how lonely I am with out Rusty here . I know , I know , I am a former military wife and I should be use to Rusty being gone , but this is different . I have gotten spoiled and when Rusty told me that he would never leave me again I believed him . I am not saying that Rusty broke a promise , I just so want him to come home . I have a little surprise for Rusty when he comes home tomorrow . I am going to put a single piece of chocolate . Tonight I am going to wash his blanket so that it will be nice and fresh for him . I have already done a major scrub down and clean out of our room . I am thinking about going to the mall and buying him some new sock and just replacing all of his old ones . I know that he will not know for a few days , but I think he will be surprise that I would do that for him . I got a booklet from our bank about on line bill paying . I am going to go to the web sight and check it out . We know some people who have done it , so I am thinking that we should give it a try . Tomorrow afternoon I have a job interview . Trust me it is nothing great , it for a house keeper . Rusty just looked at me funny when I told him about it . The pay is good and they are paying cash so there will be no taxes taken out and it is only one day a week . If nothing else it will get me out of the house for a while . After Oprahs show yesterday she had a commercial that asked what is your wildest dream . So Nikki and I went to the web page and I told Oprah my wildest dream . . . . well one of them , then Nikki came back and tweaked it for me . She put me tears when she was done . So I told Oprah that my wildest dream would be to have this house paid off so that I can be certain that Ryan will always have a place to live when we die . My other wildest dream , which I did not mention was to go to Ireland . I am only second generation U . S . citizen . I want to fly to the county of Cork and stand there and know that my grandmother once stood there . Then I want to fly to New York and go to Ellis Island . It was there that my grandparents were rejected . I want to stand on Ellis Island and look in on America and just wonder what it must have felt like to be so close and then be rejected . From New York I want to fly to Sue St . Marie Canada . That is where my grandparents ended up . It was not until many years later that my grandparent came to America . They were never even U . S . citizen . Amber decided that Ryan needs a new hair style . I am trying to grow Ryans hair out because I think it would cool in a pony tail ! Anyway , so after Ryan gets out of the shower Amber snags him up and starts blow drying his hair ! Amber turned him to Ringo from the beatles . I must admit that he looked very handsome , but I also had to laugh . I do believe that if you only have one child that you do not get the full scope of being a parent . Example . I was looking for batteries for my camera , and yet NO ONE knows what happened to them . If you only have one child you know who took them . If you only have one child you know who ate the ice cream for breakfast . If you only have one child you know who put the laundry in the wash and left it there for you to finish ! The joys of arguing with my children . OH and yes this stuff did happen this morning . Rusty is off for an over night trip . So he will be back at some point tomorrow night . So tonight we are going to have hamburgers ( cooked on the foremen ) and potatoes . O . K . the children are having that . I will juice of up some vegi 's and fruit . The shark and floats were a big hit last night . Rain drops are dripping on the kitchen floor . You could say life is like this storm . Sometimes it goes from bad to worse , but at least I 've got a mop to clean up the dirt . This is where I say hallelujah , bang the drum , make a joyful noise , This is I halleluja ' cause I still aint berried in the cold hard ground . I do not know who sings that song , but it popped in to my head when I wanted to start bitching about the roof in the sun room leaking . I guess there is no sense in complaining . Rusty said this summer we will have a working party . We need to tear the roof and replace it . I am just glad that it is only the sun room that leaks ! Marti asked me if Kailey lived with my mom . Kailey is now 11 . For the first two years of her life she did live with my parents . Then her mom started keeping her two days a week . Now that she is in school , my mom only has four days a week . Then once summer comes it will be back to five days a week . Kailey has her own room and everything that she needs at my moms house . Amber and I were talking about trip to Europe . Amber informed me that we can make the payments on line , and all we have to do is put it on our credit card . I asked her if she had a credit card , and she said no . well then you need to go to the store and get a money order and mail your payment in ! I missed Rusty last night . He did not get home until 9p . m . Tonight is going to be another late night for him , so I think I am going to do something special for the children . The children and I love fish , so I am going to cook up some shark , and I think I am going to make root beer floats . Yum . I do not have that much planned for today . My day will be decided by the weather . If it were not so cold here I would go out and play in the rain , but it is to cold for that and the last thing I need is to sick again . I think the girls are going to go play paint ball on Saturday , so I am trying to convince Rusty that we should go get a fishing permit and take Ryan fishing down on the pier . I have never fished in the ocean , so it could be kinds fun . Who knows maybe I could catch some more good fish . When I was little my dad would take us fishing . I did not really enjoy it , because he would make us get up at the crack of dawn and we would freeze our asses off , only to catch some blue gills that were not even big enough to keep . LOL Rusty said that he can 't remember his dad ever taking him fishing , so this will be a good opportunity for him and Ryan to make some memories . I just got an email from my mom and she wants the children to come out in July . Fine whatever . I said that I would not keep the children from their grandmother , and she did offer to pay for half of the tickets . 4 . She will be driving by then and she will have to start paying for her own insurance . We are thinking it is going to be about $ 75 a month . I COULD answer these questions but I don 't think my truthful answers would help . What am I suppose to say ? " Well Amber you grandmother chose Kailey over every other grandchild . I do not know why , but she did . Even if the rest of the family is hurting or in need she can 't be bothered because Kailey will always come first . " I KNOW that comment would not get me any where and I KNOW that negative statement will only run down the image that my children have of their grandmother . Several years ago My in laws moved in with us . My father in law and I were two peas in a pod . We even shared the same sign . . . we were both Gemini . My father in law hated our dining room table . We had an old table that had four chair and we had a family of five . The table did have a few leaves so , I really liked the table . My father in law hated our table and he told me that when he died that I was getting his table and chairs . I told him no thank you that my second hand table was just fine . Little did I know that he would die just a few months later , and that my mother law was going to give me the table . This table is nice but I do have some issues with it . First of all it has a glass top that sits over this nice wood . I hate cleaning glass , but if we did not have the glass then the wood would be ruined . Second of all this table is huge , and takes up a lot of room . Then last night happened . I was in the process of cooking dinner when one of the children said lets eat at the table . So I said fine set the table . So we squeezed nine people in around this table . We actually looked like a normal family . Everyone sitting down , and passing food . For a moment I could not believe that this was my family . Then one of the guys said " I have not sat down with a family and ate dinner sine 05 " . That was all I needed to hear . I gave this marine a little piece of home . I must admit that it was nice . Then Rusty leans over and says to me " just think you did not want this table " I will never again look at this table the same way . Yesterday was cold and it rained so for a little while so Rusty and I locked our selves in our bedroom and had some alone adult time . I am so glad that we were able to do that . I needed to feel his love for me . I know that he loves me , but we have just been going in so many different directions . Last night after we went to bed Rusty woke up and he decided to get up . He came over to my side of the bed and gave me a kiss . It woke me up so I asked him what was wrong . Rusty said that nothing was wrong and told me to go back to sleep . I found out that Rusty always kisses me when I am sleeping ! Rusty is so good to me . Love comes in small packages . A simple kiss says a lot . A while back I mentioned that our neighbor was coming over to do her laundry , and that we had given her a washer in the past . Well last week they asked if they could do a few loads of laundry . I called the lady and told her that we had a washer that we were going to sell at the yard sale and that if she want to she could buy it for $ 30 before the yard sale . Neither her nor husband wanted to even come look at it ! Then after the yard sale was over they called and asked if we had sold it . I told them that we did . she sounded disappointed . What ? Did she expect us to give it to them ? I think not ! I am so looking forward to today ! This evening we will have some more friends over for dinner . I am doing anything fancy , just spaghetti and garlic bread . I just so love feeding and entertaining our boys in uniform ! Amber is out watching her boyfriend play paint ball . I was kidding her this morning and told her that she was the trophy girlfriend . Amber is so not into getting shot , and she does not like to be dirty ! On another note , Amber had decided not to get her nails done any more . She said that was $ 30 a month that she could find a better use for . Well at lest she is thinking . Today Rusty and I are going to go pick up some stuff for Nikki yard sale . I am telling you guys I am so sick of driving around and picking all of this stuff up . However , I know that by doing these things I am helping my children reach for their dreams and I need to keep my eye on that . Ray called us last night and he finally got on the road . I am so happy for him , but sad for us . That is o . k . I know that he will be back , or that I will go out there . True friends never leave us , and I will never forget the memories that we have made with them . Today I am going to try to get this house in order . Go pick up some stuff for Nikki , and cook dinner . Tomorrow while the children at school I will rest . I was talking to Rusty yesterday , and he will be gone all week , so it is just the children and I for next week . That is cool . Those are the night when we cereal and do whatever we want . Amber did good considering that she only had one day to sell the stuff . She raised $ 179 ! I am so proud of her . She raised about $ 20 more then she needed so we will the extra money toword her next payment . I am so proud of her for getting out there and working for this trip . Ray ended up spending the night last night so it was good to get to spend a little more time with him . I talked to his triplets this morning and they want me to mail myself out there ! I miss those little shits already ! The house is once again a mess , but I just cannot care right now . My body is so worn out ! I have not even gotten dressed yet , but I think I am going to go take a shower and put on some fresh jammies and go take a nap . Rest . . . . . . it does the body good ! I am going to try to spend some time with Rusty tonight and tomorrow . His boss is coming in from Va . , so I will not see him all week . Rusty and his boss will be " entertaining " people and then they are going to Yuma Arizona . So I can kiss next week good bye . That is o . k . I knew it was coming . Ray called and said that he would be over in a few hours . So I should get by body moving tword a shower . I am telling you that I hurt all over . My arms , my back , my legs , and even where I broke my tail bone ! That is cool , because I know that he would do it for us . The weather has changed , so I think I am going to let Amber have her yard sale tomorrow . We need to get some of that stuff out of the garage because another lady said she had some stuff for us . The lady actually said that all of here stuff would not even fit into two pick up trucks ! I feel just like this cat . I think I could sleep forever right now ! I am sorry for not commenting , but I have not had time to do much of anything ! I was up at 6 , gone by 7 and came home at 9 . I did get to spend a little bit of time with Rusty tonight . Ray took us out to dinner and then he kept the truck I was driving . So I got to ride home with Rusty . It was nice to just sit next to him . Tonight we talked about death . I know not a topic most people would pick . For what ever reason we were not talking , and I told Rusty that I really miss my dad and that not a day goes by that I do not think of him . I asked Rusty if it will get easier , and he assured me that it does get easier . I don 't know , there are days that I just want to cry , but I just keep moving on . Rusty told me that he still has days that he often things of his parents . He said that there are times that he wishes he could talk to his dad . I so know what he means . What do you do when your parents die ? Rusty 's parents were not old and neither was my dad . Both of us lost our parents when we still needed them . On to another subject . I got the medical bill from the hospital today . It was around $ 880 ! I about fell over . I told rusty that I think I am going to just start ordering drugs from Mexico and just keeping them on hand ! it would be so much cheaper that way . We are not going to have Ambers yard sale tomorrow since we are expecting rain all weekend . So we will try it next weekend . Amber thought that was cool , and said that we might even get some more donation between now and then . That is my girl ! I am glad that she put a positive spin on it . I just found out that one of our friends got orders and will be leaving in two weeks . I am sad to see her go , but this a great move for her career . Our friend Wendy will be the command master chief of Navel Hospital Bethesda . this is a big step in her career , and for that reason I am very proud of her . My goal for tomorrow is to try to catch up on my journals . I am going to cook dinner in the morning , and then at some point tomorrow Ray will be bringing the truck back , and I will have to follow him back to the place that is doing his brakes . So the morning is mine , and I choose to spend the time doing things for my family . Well I did it ! I joined my two teenagers together . They actually pulled together and got the kitchen scrubbed down ! I told them that if they ever pull a stunt like they did yesterday that they would get more the just a bitch slap ! I must have done something right , because Amber and her boyfriend went to see Nikki in her play ! Oh Nikki is Cinderella in the play . The play is part of a series called " true love waits " I went back down help Ray again . I just cannot believe how much stuff their is to do ! So I am going back tomorrow . The only thing we have left to do tomorrow is clean and go to the dump . The cleaning part should be easy since there is nothing in the house . I felt a little bad for not being home this week , for not cooking dinner all week , and for not keeping up on the laundry . Then I thought about it . I no longer feel guilty because ray is leaving on Saturday , so I know that I will not see for a while . I will do all the other stuff next week . I would rather spend these last few days with our friend . Even if it is just cleaning . Today was another first for me . Today I saw the osprey flying . I drove by the air strip and there they were just flying around . I am not into aircraft , but it was cool to see . So I can add that to me list of first for this year ! I just tried looking back through my journal because I know at time I had a list going of all the new things I have done so far this , but I can 't find it . Oh well , I will just make a list and keep it on the cork board . 7 : 45 I am on the road for a long drive drive down to base . The road I usually take is closed so I now have to drive and extra 45 . I don 't mind , but I am running behind . 8 : 30 I finally made it to Ray 's house . I got lucky and hit no traffic on the freeway ! I was asked to start packing up the food . Not a problem . I got some boxes and just started . I wrote notes on the box 's so that the triplets would have fun reading them . 12 : 30 I was in the master bathroom packing some stuff up when I turned around Rusty was standing there . I about wet my pants . I did not hear him come in so he scared me . I told Rusty to follow me because I had something for Ray . So we go out to the living room and I walked up to Ray and I handed him some birth control pill and said " If Sonja ( his wife ) had taken these then you would not need this . ( I handed him an empty first response pregnancy test ) Then she would not have needed these ( I handed Ray some pre natal vitamin ) . Rusty then grabbed me and pulled me out of smack range . 1 : 00 Rusty , Ray and I went to lunch . Ray is so stressed out . He has two days to get his house packed , and loaded before he has to go up to Washington to drop his boat off . Then he will be driving to Iowa to be with his family . The truck needs new brakes and his son is having surgery on Friday . 1 : 30 Elle calls . I told her about our friends coming home . She tells me that she was hanging out with this guy last night , and then someone knocked on the door . So she answered it . It was this guys girlfriend and she had a gun ! Elle high tailed it out of there . 3 : 30 I am half way home . Rusty calls me to tell me that he locked his keys in the truck . I told him that I would be down there later . I did not even have a key to Rusty 's truck with me . 4 : 15 I back CJ 's truck right up on to the grass . I walk into the house and bitch slap both of the girls for acting like they are 2 years old . I tell Amber to go unload the truck . And I run off to the bathroom . 4 : 20 I grabbed Rusty 's key and head down the hallway . I tell Amber to that she will have to find a ride to work , and I tell Nikki that she will have to find a ride to play practice . I told Amber to take Ryan to our friends house . * here is what I came up for the punishment . The two of them are going to scrub the kitchen from top to bottom . Even the shelves will have to come out of the fridge . I am not letting them off that easy because here is the catch . I am using an ace bandage and I am taping one arm and one leg together . They will have no choice but to be next to each other and they will have to work together since they each will only have one arm . I will be giving them 1 toothbrush to use on the floors . So they will have to work together . I figure they will either kill each other , or they will have to get along and work as a team . * 6 : 30 I get to Rustys work and I unlock his truck . I go inside and Kevin and his friend Dustin are in the back talking with Rusty . So we all decide to go to the stuff club for dinner . We call Ray and ask him to meet us there . 7 : 00 we finally get to eat . Kevin mentions that they have no hot water since their boiler broke . So everyone is taking cold showers . Ray asks what his building number is and the boys tell him . Ray tells the boys that he will have it fixed by tomorrow night . It seems that Ray knows someone in base maintenance . The boys are happy . 8 : 45 I am home ! There was no traffic so I was able to get in fast lane and just fly ! The girls are both in much better moods and Ryan is in bed . I have managed to get one load of laundry done today . I think that is all I have gotten done around here ! I smell like dust and card board . I hurt . I am so wiped out . I am sorry not commenting , but I am just going to go to bed . Me : you mentioned last week that you need new sneakers . You got a $ 100 gift card for Christmas and you were told to buy new shoes . Where are those shoes ? Nikki got out of the car . I called Rusty and told him what was going on . We both agreed that we cannot wait until next year ! Nikki will 16 and she must get a job , and she will be responsible for buying her own clothes and shoes . She will learn . So for now I need to learn to bite my tongue and then I will be able to sit back and laugh ! Amber as learned this lesson . Amber and I went through the same thing . When Amber first got her job she would blow every penny she had on clothes and then would ask me for money . I told her no , it does not work that way , and you need to learn to budget . Tomorrow Iam going down to base to help our friend get ready for the movers to come in . I will also be taking his dog back to him ! I know butter is going to miss his play mate . First thing this morning I got a phone call from one of our friends in Iraq . He has his return date ! I was so happy to hear that . The boys are coming home . Yes they will be home , here in the safety of our house . I cannot wait to just give everyone a hug . Life is good . Then I got another phone call from Iraq . This time it was Beth . She had just gotten her return date ! Yes , she will be coming home ! She will also be here in the safety of our home . I am so jazzed that she is coming home . I have a special shopping trip planned for her . All of us girls are going to take her out and help her shop for some new clothes . Beth so wants to look like a female and not just one of the guys . Last night everyone was sitting on our bed and on the floor of our bedroom watching the amazing race . Then someone said " you know there is a t . v . in the living room , so why do we have 6 people in here ? " Who knows . All I know is that it was fun . It is cold and rainy here today , so our surfing idea went out the window ! But that is o . k . I do not think that I am even going to get dressed today . I think a day of not getting dressed is a good thing . Yesterday a lady knocked on our door and asked Amber if she was selling the sofa on the porch . So Amber said yes . The lady gave her $ 30 for it . Then she asked if she could see what else we were going to put out at the yard sale . The lady ended up buying to more items ! Amber made $ 55 so far and we have not had the yard sale yet ! LOL Well , I am going to go straighten up the house a little bit and then chill out . My butt is hurting today ! LOL now everyone needs to get their minds out of the gutter . Several years ago I broke my tail bone , and for some reason it hurts today . OH ! I was helping Amber move the trash cans . I did not put the lid up I just grabbed it and started walking . Well , I slipped , the trash can fell and I ended up doing the splits ! Amber and I are laughing so hard ! I on the ground in the splits and she is standing over me trying to help me up , but we were laughing to hard . I did finally get up , and said " well Rusty will be glad that I can still move like that ! " As many of you know Rusty and I are very different . I am very free , fun loving , hippy , dippy and groovy . Rusty is conservative . With that said . . . . I was feeling so good yesterday , so Rusty and I went out to dinner . It felt so good to get dressed up and to leave the house without the children ! LOL We went a casino for dinner . Neither of us realized that it was the Chinese new year and Tet . So everything was all decorated up for that . We went and got in line for the buffet . We were both starving by the time we got a table . Then I came back to the table . I had a salad of mixed green , baked fish , sushi , and some California rolls . Then I went back and got some jello , some raw sea weed , and steamed fish . Then I went back and got a brownie , a slice of cheese cake and some fresh fruit . Rusty is just sitting there so amazed that I am eating so much . it felt so good to eat ! I asked rusty how his dead cow was . He said it was awesome . Then he said to me " how was the dead fish wrapped in over cooked rice and then wrapped in sea weed " I told him that it was awesome and that he should try it . Rusty said that he did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrot sticks . One the way home Rusty said that he needed gas . I leaned over an the needle was not on e yet . I said " you have enough gas to get home " I was told that e does not stand for enough to get you home ! Hmmm I thought it did . So while Rusty was pumping gas I asked him if he wanted to have sex in the truck , and then I ripped my shirt open . Rusty just stood there and said " I am trying to pump gas " I said " I bet the nozzle will still be there when we are done " He did not see the humor in that . So no sex in the truck . When we got home we found Kevin and another one of his friends here . It was so nice to see them . I asked them why they were not drinking , I mean after all we have a bottle of absinth that has not been opened yet . The boys said that they could not play paintball drunk . OH ! Someone asked if we live near the ocean . We live about 45 minutes from the ocean , and 1 mile from the lake . So we have the best of both worlds . Today I took Amber around to pass out some more flyers and to pick up some stuff . She is determined to make enough money for this trip . I am so proud of the girls for going out there and doing what ever they need to do to chase their dreams . I better go get dinner started , and maybe attempt to mop the floors . OH we did have sex last night , and it was good sex , it was just in the bed ! LOL Well , yesterday Nikki ended up going out with some friends from her youth group . They went up to Newport beach and did some surfing , and ten made a fire and sat around that forever . I think Nikki got home around mid night . She said that she had a blast , but that she was just wiped out . Today I took Amber around to drop off her flyers . She had a lot of people say that they would donate their left overs to her . So it looks like she will have a nice size yard sale next weekend . Rusty and I had a great night last night . We sat in bed , ate pop corn and watched a video . I so enjoy just being him . Tonight Rusty said that he is going to take me out ! I do not know where we are going , but anything will be fine as long as we are together . This entry is everyone back east that is gripped by cold and snow . I live in the so cal , so I thought I would take some pictures for everyone ! I hope these make you feel warm ! I know that if I do not strangle my teenagers that I will get a reward . But man last night I just want to grab them by their hair and bang their heads together ! I am so sick of their yelling and fighting ! Anyway , today I have to head over the mountain and go to a friends house . His movers are coming over today to look at how much stuff he has to move . Our friend is in Iowa , so I told him that I would do it . I think I am going to take Nikki with me . This will cause less fighting between the girls . Amber has to clean out the garage and get it organized so that we can start getting stuff for her yard sale . I know that she will enlist the help of her boyfriend ! LOL I do not really care , as long as the task gets done . Rusty shocked me yesterday when he came home early . It was nice to spend some extra time with him . This week has been slow for him , since the head quarters for his company is in Va . I guess people on the east coast are not out buying stuff . I am going to take advantage of the this time , because the week after next his big boss is coming in and he will be gone a lot . I am not sure what to do about Ryan . I have limited him to one hour of t . v . and one hour of video games . The children in the neighborhood are starting to not play with him , because they are noticing that he is " different " . I sometimes will walk by his room and see him just laying on his bed staring at the ceiling . Can he be that bored ? He has a million toys and other things to do . I do not want him to just vegetate in front of the t . v . , but I also do not want him to just stare at the ceiling either ! I don 't know . No one gave me a hand book when he was born . I just talked to our friend * we are going to his house today * Anyway he told me to take all of the food out of his freezer and bring it back here . He said I can 't move it anyway , so you guys can have it all ! Woo Hoo ! I am going to do some grocery shopping today ! LOL I got the money order for Ambers trip . So she is all kinds of happy ! I also made up a flyer for her to pass out . The flyer is for her to take around to yard sale and to ask them for their left over stuff so that she can re sell and make some money . I am so worn out ! I think I am just going to chill for the rest of the night . The children have a 4 day weekend so I will not have to get up early tomorrow ! I am happy about that . Well last night hubby came home with a dozen chocolate covered strawberries ! I so love them . I sat in bed and ate most of them . My son got me a rose bush to replace the one that was killed by the frost ! I was happy last night . I was in such a funk yesterday that I went and took a bath and got right back into my p . j . 's ! I did not even leave the house to check the mail ! I did however take the time to mend my husbands favorite quilt . I was hoping that he would notice and he did ! When crawled into bed he said " you fixed my quilt for me " . I said " yes I did ! I did not have any cash on me so I could not even buy you a card , so I thought I would do something for you that you would really like " Today I have to take a shower and leave the house . I do not know why , but I have just not felt like been seeing lately . So I have just been staying home and taking care of my family . I guess there is nothing wrong with that . I talked to a friend last night and she has a friend that is due soon . So I am going to make another baby blanket . I think every child should sleep under a homemade blanket ! LOL Not to mention that I like making them . I will have to make this one extra warm since it will be going to Alaska ! Nikki asked me last night if I would let her stay in Nicaragua for two months . One of the other leaders is going to stay down there as well . I do not have a problem with that , but Rusty brought some stuff to my attention . the youth group is going back to Nicaragua this year because they think that communist will take it back after this election . The elections end in July . I do not have an issue with Nikki being down there , but I do have an issue of getting her home if they close the country down . I will have to do a lot of research on this . Nikki also said to me last night that I have faith . She told me that I just sign papers and send the girls off whenever they want to go . She said that she knows we do not have the money for this but I do it anyway , just knowing that the money will appear . I guess she is right . I do have faith . Well with the exception of Liz in Va . I got nothing for valentines day . We usually do something as family , such as go out to dinner . This year , all of the children are going out with their friends . And I got nothing . On to another subject . Did antone see Oprah yesterday when she was talking about actupuncture ? I really need to get busy and find a good person to do mine . I got two quilts finished yesterday . It was the first time I had ever made an all silk blanket . That material is very hard to sew , but I think they turned out good . I am going to send the baby blanket to a gal I know who is having a hard time right now and should be having her baby anytime . Amber was talking with the teacher who is in charge of the trip to Europe and he asked Amber how she planned on raising the money . When she told him that we were going to do yard sales , he offered her a whole house of stuff to sell . His mother passed away and he is willing to donate everything to her ! I do not have to much planned for today . I need to go to the bank and that is about all I have to do . I should go by the store and get something to make for dinner , but I think I am going to let everyone just eat soup . Oh MY . I turned on the weather channel yesterday and saw that most of the country is getting hammered ! I kept reading in everyones journals that the storms were coming , so I had to check it out . If you are getting hammered then I hope that you guys are safe . I just got a nasty e mail from Ryans teacher . O . K . listen here Bitch I have a life and I am just so sorry if Ryans homework did not get done last night . He has to have it all done by friday , so why does it matter when we do it as long as it gets done . I am so sorry that you are a looser and have no life . Maybe if you would go get a life , and loosen up , then maybe your stick would fall out and you would feel better about yourself . Since you are paid to educate my child , I would suggest that you stick to educating him and actually worry when his home work is late ! I hope that you have a great valentines day and that the children remember to hide all of their candy from you . You umpa lumpa . Yesterday must have been shock Amber day and I did not know it ! First off we all , yesterday morning we all left in such a hurry that we forgot to tell Amber . She called me and said " where is everyone ? I went to get dressed and came back out and everyone was gone ! " I am laughing about it now , but I so forgot my daughter ! LOL Then when Amber and Sam ( ambers boyfriend ) got back to the house . Sam says to me " Mrs Kelli that sweater looks like a toilet seat cover ! " I thought Amber was going to fall over . I still cannot believe that her boyfriend said that about my sweater ! After Amber got home from work Amber say " Mom , I want to go to Europe for 17 day 's and the trip is next March " I said " Give me the paper " and I signed it and handed it back to her . Amber about fell out of her chair . She said " that was easy " I said " I will pay for half " . I told the girls this morning that it looks like we will be having yard sales all year long to fund their trips . they both said fine and that they do not care . I am glad that I have taught them that if they want something that they can have it as long as they are willing to work for it . I am so proud of them for being willing to work for the things that they want . I am not sure what I am going to do today . I need to go see if I can find some yellow flannel . I made a blue and pink baby quilt yesterday and I need another neutral color to trim it in . I just cannot seem to get up the energy to go anywhere ! LOL It seems like all of j land is having bad weather . So I went and turned on the weather channel and everyone is getting hit with something . I am just glad that we are not getting any snow . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go !

First , an explanation , I measure all of Daughter 's food . Because of her diabetes , I need to know how many grams of carbohydrate in everything she eats so I can calculate how much insulin she needs to cover the carbs . When I cook supper , I generally cook two servings . Leftovers are rare around here , because it makes figuring nutrition information harder , and it is also too tempting for her to go in and help herself to more later . When we 're in restaurants , we have a book that provides us information on much of the food . For food not listed , I guess . Sometimes I do really well , and other times she ends up with a blood sugar that is too high or too low . I mentioned how pleased I was when she actually followed directions and added hot water to the dehydrated potatoes before she tried to cook them this time . Then , I discovered she followed the directions so completely that she had added water to the carton , meaning that rather than making 2 servings , she 'd made well over 30 . I quickly put the potatoes in the refrigerator , and told Daughter that she 's going to eat lots of potatoes the next few days . Of course , I have no idea what a serving size is or how many carbs are in the food I 'm serving her now , as the nutrition information is for the potatoes while they 're still dehydrated . Wednesday , I created a casserole with the potatoes and the leftover chicken and grilled onions and green pepper from the fajitas Monday night . I also threw in some salsa , reduced fat sour cream , and cheese . Daughter loved it . I 'm not sure that 's the lesson I wanted her to learn . Mess up the potatoes , and Mom creates delicious new meals . I did okay on calculating insulin - she was on the high end of her target range at bedtime . The good news in all of this was when I asked her about what she 'd done with the potatoes , she immediately owned up to what she 'd done , and when I explained that it was a problem , she apologized and told me she hadn 't known , which I think was accurate . It 's another sign of her mental deficits . MoReverend Mom As I lay in bed Tuesday morning , waiting for the alarm to go off , I thought I smelled something . I pondered whether it was the remnants of the fajitas I 'd made Monday night . As I 'd cooked the chicken for the fajitas outside on the grill , that didn 't seem likely . I lifted my head and looked out in the hall . There weren 't any lights on , so maybe I was just imagining things . But as the smell grew , I knew it wasn 't fajitas and I wasn 't imagining things . With some fear and trepidation , I headed downstairs . Daughter was in the kitchen , beaming . In front of her were two plates with eggs scrambled with potatoes and cheese and raisin toast . When she saw me , she handed me something to drink . " Here , you 're going to need this . I wanted to be like you , and I put season salt on the potatoes , but I think I used a bit too much . " Resigning myself to a big breakfast , I took my plate to the table . The eggs were , indeed , salty . But at least they were still warm , as was the toast . She had even soaked the dehydrated potatoes in hot water before cooking them , as per the directions . This was major progress . The last time she 'd used the dehydrated potatoes , she hadn 't bothered to rehydrate them . When I saw the resulting mess , I 'd asked if she 'd followed the package directions . " You told me to read them ; you didn 't say I had to follow them ! " This breakfast was her peace offering for her behavior the previous evening , when she 'd ranted and raved about her boyfriend . It was the first time I 'd eaten one of these peace offerings when everything was still warm . She has problems juggling multiple projects in the kitchen , so her ability to serve warm eggs and toast was major progress . The eggs were salty , had a bit too much cheese , but I ate them and was grateful . My body was not so grateful , though . By evening my legs were so swollen that the skin was tight and uncomfortable . In this heat , it will probably take a week of low sodium meals before my diuretic manages to get the excess fluid off . It will come offReverend Mom Daughter has been with Boyfriend now for three weeks . This is the longest she has been able to maintain a relationship with a male . She tends to decide the guy is abusive and panic ; a remnant from the abuse she suffered in her birth family . I talked to her therapist this morning about whether it was time to grant them more freedom . We decided that I would know when the time is right , and that as long as she continues to come and check in with me several times over the course of a 90 minute date , she still needs me close at hand setting clear boundaries . Boyfriend thinks they should be able to have dates more often than once a week . They really don 't see that much of each other at the workshop , softball practice , and games , so they need more time together . At least , that 's their argument . Daughter is both excited and terrified by this request for more time . As I listened to her go between insisting they needed more time together and thinking that she should just break up with him now , I realized just how terrified she is . I told her that I would consider their request on a case by case basis . One minute that was fine and fair , the next I was being too hard on them , and then she wasn 't sure she could handle the extra time . It is interesting to watch her struggle with this . There was a time when the entire struggle would have been internal , and I would have had to guess at what was going on and why she was acting out . Now , though , she talks about it and I can literally see her struggle with this . She storms off ranting , and then quickly comes back apologizing . She wants to quit and her life sucks , and then she 's asking if they can go to dinner and a movie . It 's exhausting to watch , and it must be even harder to live . I feel sorry for Boyfriend , because I 'm sure at some point he 'll be on the receiving end of some of this , and he 'll have no idea what prompted it or what he did wrong . He won 't have done anything wrong , of course . It was her birth family who did things that were terribly wrong to a todReverend Mom We have two cats . Cat appeared on our door step over 11 years ago . It was a cold winter day , and I heard a cat crying . I opened the door and looked outside , and there , sitting by the picnic table on the porch , was a little kitten . I asked him what he was doing , and he came running through the open door . We 'd been chosen . Cat is a very affectionate neutered male , and other than some hairballs , is very easy and pleasant . He has mellowed with age , though he still likes playing through the spindles on the stairs when we go up or down . Then there is Kitten . Kitten was Daughter 's graduation present . Cat and I weren 't thrilled . Kitten likes to wrestle with Cat . She 's been known to push him aside to get to the food first . There are times when she won 't share the cat bed in the window . She 's also young , energetic , and very curious . I don 't know how many times she 's gone exploring in the basement , which is behind a door that is generally closed . I have learned to ignore her escapes into the basement . She will come crying at the door at some point , and eventually I will let her out , though I don 't tend to be in a hurry about it . As I was waking up on Sunday morning , I was aware of Cat sleeping contentedly at my feet . As I began to stir , he stayed still . ( Kitten sees any movement as an invitation to attack and bite your feet . ) Finally , I took off my cpap head gear and reached over and turned off the machine . Cat immediately came up and stood by my side , seeking to have his ears scratched . I complied , trying to figure out which of us had been trained - Cat , to wait until I was moving , or me , to scratch behind his ears . As I stood and headed for the bathroom , Cat trotted ahead of me , looking back once to make sure I was following . Once I entered the bathroom , he looked up at the counter . He wanted the water turned on to a slow drip . I complied . I became aware of a meowing from somewhere , and realized that Kitten had not appeared to disrupt the quiet companionship that Cat and I were enjoying . Kitten had obvioReverend Mom I could have predicted it . I should have predicted it . After her success of the week and her picnic with her buddies at the park . Daughter had a bad day . She slept until noon , and then was argumentative and on edge until bedtime . She was furious about having to clean her bedroom . She was into extra food , she was yelling and cussing at me , and at one point she stormed out of the house . It was mild , really , in comparison to other times , but there was still the acting out . Success scares Daughter . We have had the discussion many times . She recognizes she 's happier and has more freedom when she is being responsible , but she still is terrified . She doesn 't know how to handle success . I think it must be like the wobbly , exhilerating , fearful feeling of riding a bike without training wheels for the first time . I think , also , that there is the fear that if she becomes responsible she will no longer need me and I will kick her out . I basically ignored it yesterday . Her yelling and cursing were mild compared to what it has been in the past . Her departure from the house was relatively brief . I stayed calm and didn 't react . By bedtime she was down in my study apologizing and discussing her concerns and fears about Boyfriend . She 's approaching 3 weeks with him - the longest she has ever had a boyfriend . This morning when I woke her up , she got up with no problem , and put on Christian music as she dressed and made her bed ( she hates making her bed ) . She was happy and cooperative . The fall out is over , and hopefully she 's ready to have another good week . Maybe she can make it longer this time before the fall out . Maybe the fall out will last even less time next time . I celebrate the fact that the good stretches are growing , and the bad stretches are fewer and shorter . Progress is being made . Posted by Over the years one of the challenges we have faced is dealing with Daughter 's friends . Because she is special needs , most of her friends are special needs . Even more challenging , some of their parents are special needs . When we had her graduation open house , one of her friends showed up with her entire family in tow and presented Daughter with a kitten as a graduation gift . A kitten the vet later estimated was 3 weeks old . I did not want a kitten . We had a cat . One cat was enough . I especially didn 't want a long haired kitten . I supposed I could have politely vetoed the gift , but then I would have been faced with a very unhappy Daughter , which would not have made for a very pleasant open house . My siblings thought it was hilarious , and kept telling Daughter to make sure she gave the kitten to me so I could bond with her . It 's been over 2 years now , and the kitten is still here . The cat and I have adjusted , at least to some degree . Kitten is still obnoxious , and sheds nonstop . She hates being brushed . What kind of parent doesn 't realize that it isn 't appropriate to separate a 3 week old kitten from her mother , or give a pet as a gift without first checking with the parent of the recipient ? Or there is the parent who accused Daughter of harrassing her son , even after I produced records showing her son initiated the majority of the calls . She recently found her son with another young woman , and told the young woman to stay away from her son . This weekend her son is taking advantage of his mother 's absence to host this young woman at home . I 'm sure , though , that even if she finds out she will still see her son as the innocent victim of these female predators . Most recently we experienced the challenges of special needs friends with the workshop friends Daughter invited to a picnic prior to the concert in the park . We didn 't know if there would be 2 or 6 of them show up . Plans were changed repeatedly , including by Daughter . When she found out the friends she most wanted to attend weren 't coming , she tried to cancel theReverend Mom One of our members ( E ) had moved to be near her son several years ago . She just moved back to a memory care unit in Town , and so I went to visit her . She greeted me warmly , and I introduced myself to her , figuring she probably wouldn 't remember me . She said it looked like a pretty day , and asked if it was warm outside . I assured her it was . She asked me where I came from , and I told her . She said , " I can 't quite place you . Who are you ? " I introduced myself . She asked where I came from . She said it looked like it was a pretty day outside , and asked if it was warm . She observed that the wind was blowing the corn she could see through the window . She said , " I can 't quite place you . Who are you ? " I introduced myself . She asked where I came from . She told me they were taking good care of her . She said it looked like a pretty day , and asked if it was warm outside . After having the same conversation ( with minor variations ) 5 or 6 times , I took my leave of her , with the promise to be back next week . I gave her my business card , so she could remember I 'd been there . As I left to go to Big City to visit a member in the hospital , I found myself trying to figure out which was more frustrating , trying to visit E , or Mom . E can talk , but we had the same conversation repeatedly during my visit . Mom is pretty much nonverbal . She can occasionally answer a question in a way that makes sense . The other day Dad was desperately trying to communicate with her , as it seemed something was bothering her . They both were becoming increasingly frustrated . Finally he asked , " Do you want to take a nap ? " She turned to face him and said , " Yes ! " She seemed to be wondering why it took him so long to figure it out . I think with E it is probably easier to convince yourself you 're communicating with her . She probably is better able to communicate if she is in pain or in need of something . When her son reported that they were bringing her back here , he said that she forgot his visits as soon as he was out the door . At least Reverend Mom I need to begin thinking about the letter I will send Birth Mom this year . After the county totally messed up the termination case , the judge was going to leave Daughter in county custody with the suggestion of considering setting up a guardianship . Birth Mom finally realized she would not be getting Daughter back , and agreed to voluntarily relinquish her . I promised I 'd send her annual updates and allow contact once Daughter was an adult . She turned 18 her junior year , so I told her she had to wait until she had graduated from high school . Graduation was very hard on her ( she doesn 't deal well with change ) , so it was a year before she expressed interest in contact . Last June she requested contact . Her therapist and I discussed it , and couldn 't come up with a reason to deny her contact . To say it was a disaster would be an understatement . Daughter was surprised at how young ( and immature ) Birth Mom sounded . " She didn 't sound like a 58 year old woman . " I patiently explained that that was part of the reason Daughter had been removed from that home . Birth Mom hadn 't been able to function as an adult woman and keep Daughter safe . Within a few days of their first phone conversation in 12 years , Daughter was psychotic and needed to be hospitalized . That was the first of 3 hospitalizations last summer . During the third hospitalization , the issue of ongoing contact was raised . Psychiatrist told Daughter that she needed to go a year without hearing voices before we even considered more contact . At her last visit , it came up again , and Psychiatrist said we 'd talk about it at her September appointment . I 'm grateful that the Psychiatrist has set the rules and I 'm off the hook on this one . I think for Daughter , Birth Mom is like a tourist destination . She 's a site to visit and explore , and then her curiosity will be satisfied and she won 't need to visit again . Unfortunately , that 's not the case , as Daughter discovered last year . Birth Mom is a complex individual and she can 't be explored and abandonReverend Mom Daughter played in her first softball game Tuesday night . Last year she fell and broke her ankle right after the first practice , so she had been waiting a long time for this . The game was an hour away - one of the joys of living in Tiny Village . It was an interesting game , to say the least . The other team was a unified team , meaning that they had " partners " who were part of the team in addition to the Special Olympians . They didn 't have an umpire , so family members from both teams were recruited . Their first base coach had to leave early , so one of our coaches filled in . Their pitcher was finishing up a hamburger when the game started , so he 'd stick the sandwich in his mouth and hold it for each pitch . He even fielded a ball while holding the hamburger in his mouth . When the game was over , Daughter had to search for a coach who knew who had won and what the final score was . Our team won , 13 - 7 . Daughter had two hits . The first one came after 4 strikes . Both were soft grounders that should have been outs , but the partners were careful to let our athletes experience some success . Daughter played second base , and fielded a couple of balls and missed a couple of balls . She didn 't start , and was so nervous when she got into the game . Her first at bat , the first base coach didn 't hold her up on a fly ball , and she was tagged out . She was very upset , even though they told her it wasn 't her fault . She had an anxiety attack , and broke out into a cold sweat and started shaking . She didn 't take the field , telling the coaches she thought she was having a low blood sugar . They quickly signaled me . I ran into the dugout , and I was sure she was low . She was shaking so much she couldn 't check her own blood sugar , so I did it , telling her to calm down and take deep breaths . Her blood sugar was a little high . I reassured her she was fine , and told her to drink some water and relax , and she 'd be fine . One of the coaches asked me if she could go back in , and I suggested she ask Daughter what she wanted to do . DaugReverend Mom Tiny Village is about 11 miles from Town . Most of Daughter 's friends live in Town , many of them in group homes or other supported living situations . The vast majority of them don 't drive . Daughter wants to have a cook - out , and invite all of her friends . Several years ago I informed Daughter that I would not pick up her friends , bring them here for a party , host the party , and take them home after the party . Daughter 's best friend is a young woman about Daughter 's age who was adopted as an older child . B has not healed as well as Daughter has , and is often controlling and even abusive in their friendship . B talked Daughter into having the cook - out , but now will not be able to attend because she and her boyfriend , J , are going camping . I 'm skeptical about whether the camping will actually happen , but Daughter believes B , and is disappointed that B is blowing off the cook - out she convinced Daughter to have . Daughter had been busy planning games ( water balloons and basketball , among other things ) , and had been very excited . Monday she came home in a very foul mood . Gradually the story came out . J and B have camping plans , and most of her other friends won 't have transportation to get here . Boyfriend offered to host it at his house , but needs to get permission from whoever supervises the house . Daughter wanted to have it here . We discussed several options , and finally Daughter decided she would plan a picnic for her friends before the free concert in the park this Friday . Staff makes sure that most of the group home and supported living people get there , if they want to go . I was proud of her for coming up with an acceptable alternative . After finishing her chores , Daughter retreated to the dining room . I thought she was working on her scrapbook again , but when I entered the room , I discovered she was working on a list . She was making a list of all the people she wanted to invite to the pre - concert picnic and the menu options she 'd offer each of them ! After getting over the shock , I explained that we werPosted by This morning a new central air unit will be installed . We have been almost 2 weeks without , and it has been an interesting experience . We had a few days over 90 that were pretty miserable , but most of the time we were able to get enough of a breeze blowing through the house to keep it from being too uncomfortable . At night , we turned on the window unit in my bedroom , and Daughter camped out on the floor . I have learned much from this time without air conditioning , and I offer them up now . 1 . The neighbors have a very noisy dog . 2 . A temperature that seems comfortable while sitting still can become very uncomfortable when trying to do anything physical . 3 . Fresh air carries many allergens . 4 . The neighbors have a very annoying dog . 5 . Fresh country air can be very unpleasant if the wind is coming from the wrong direction . 6 . When a sudden storm comes up , open windows allow a lot of rain in very quickly . 7 . Cats like open windows . 8 . There is more traffic than I realized in Tiny Village , and they aren 't all coming here , even if I do hear a car door slamming . 9 . Window units in closed rooms with sweaty people result in very stuffy air . 10 . Cats deprived of sleeping on the foot of the bed are very demanding the following day . 11 . Using a hair dryer on a hot , humid day does not result in dry hair for very long . 12 . Soft breezes and piles of papers can provide strong motivation to clean and organize a study . 13 . Having a conversation over the sound of a barking dog can be quite challenging . 14 . Flies can enter a house through the smallest gap between a screen and the window frame . 15 . A soft breeze coming through an open window is very pleasant . We will be grateful to have central air again . However , on cooler days , I will be much quicker to open the windows and experience fresh air and pleasant breezes . Those soft breezes are worth the inconveniences . Posted by It happened again today . I took Daughter to a family picnic sponsored by our respite provider . When we got to the drink table , they didn 't have anything to drink that was sugar free . I understand some people do not like artificial sweeteners . That 's fine . For others , though , calorie laden drinks full of sugar are not an alternative . Daughter would easily have used her entire carbohydrate allowance for the meal just with the drinks they were offering . If you don 't want to provide something with artificial sweeteners , at least have water available . When I asked for water for her I was informed they didn 't have any bottled water . She can drink tap water , but she needs to drink something , and sweetened ice tea and lemonade are not alternatives for her . The sad thing is , I know that Daughter wasn 't the only diabetic there today . She may have been the only one with accompanied by a Mama Bear who insisted they go in and get her cub some water , though . I wish this were unusual , but it 's not . To further complicate things , Daughter can 't have caffeine because of her seizures . Try finding something that is both sugar free and caffeine free when you 're out to eat . Daughter can name the restaurants that have sugar free and caffeine free drinks available . Most often when we ask , the server thinks we 're crazy . I 've paid full price for a cup of shaved ice with no syrup on it at the fair . Once again , the teen selling the shaved ice thought I was crazy . It was a hot day , they didn 't have any sugar free syrup , and Daughter needed something to cool her down . One place didn 't have anything that she could drink , and they wouldn 't even give the poor kid a cup of water . By the time I learned this , I 'd already paid for our food , so we ate quickly and I went elsewhere to get her some water to drink . With the epidemic of obesity in our country , you 'd think that more places would begin to provide low calorie alternatives to sugar laden beverages . It hasn 't happened yet , at least around here . I 'm beginning to understand why Crystal Lite offers thPosted by I don 't know how long it has been since I read a complete book , but well over a year . There was a time when I was reading several books a week . When my mother began sinking into dementia , I became paranoid . Every lapse of memory or concentration I had was a sign that the same thing was happening to me . I went to using manuscripts for my sermons , instead of the loose notes and outlines I had used for years . I was having difficulty thinking on my feet and finding words . I was sure it meant I was developing dementia , and I was going to follow the path my mother was on . Then I was diagnosed with sleep apnea . I got a cpap machine , began to sleep at night , and found that my memory and concentration improved tremendously . I stopped using manuscripts and went back to notes . More recently , I 've had difficulty with reading books . I 'd read articles and Bible commentaries , but books just didn 't seem to hold my attention . I remembered that one of Mom 's earliest symptoms had been the loss of the ability to read and comprehend books . I began avoiding books , so I wouldn 't have to face my diminishing mental abilities . I returned books to my brother unread . This past week I read a blog entry with a link that seemed to describe my difficulties with reading . I was relieved , to say the least . About that time , the book Ninety Minutes in Heaven appeared in my front door . Inside the back cover was a place for me to sign and date when I 'd read it . The book was making the rounds of the church , and they wanted me to read it , and no doubt comment on it . Remembering the article I 'd read , I picked it up and began to read it . I finished it within a couple of days . The relief was overwhelming . Last night a woman approached me at the Ice Cream Social . " Have you read Ninety Minutes in Heaven ? " " Yes . " " Isn 't it good ? " " Yes , it is . " She was thinking about the assurance the book gave her about her son and husband . I was thinking about fact that I could still read a book cover to cover . We were both happy . Four times a year we make a pilgrimage to the City for Diabetes Clinic . We spend several hours there , while Daughter is weighed , has blood drawn , displays blood sugar records , and sees the dietician , diabetes educator , and endocrinologist . This time our visit was a little bit different . The medical assistant who recorded all her medications and weighed her and did vital signs noticed it immediately . " You look really good . " Daughter smiled . I offered an explanation , " She 's in love . " Daughter blushed and said , " Mom ! " Assistant smiled knowingly and assured Daughter that mothers are supposed to embarrass daughters . Daughter was cute . She was bubbly , and probably happier than they 've ever seen her . Her mood was further lightened by the news that she had lost 7 pounds in less than 3 months . Weight loss is harder when on insulin ; and for a while all the extra food she was getting at the workshop because they were so concerned about the possibility of a low blood sugar made it almost impossible . I 've adjusted the insulin and pointed out that they were unintentionally hurting Daughter with their treatment of her , so things have gotten better . We were out of there much faster than usual . I strongly suspect that the doctor had heard the buzz about Daughter being so happy , because she came in first ( usually she 's last ) and didn 't have Daughter 's chart with her . Daughter usually is sullen and defensive at the clinic . They were delighted to see her bubbling with joy and so willing to talk to them . We 're approaching the 8th anniversary of her diagnosis , so they 've seen her many times . She was once hospitalized from the clinic when she went in insisting that she wanted her leg amputated . The doctor hospitalized her to switch her to a different insulin , and then got her friend to come in for a psychiatric consult . He moved her to the psych unit and changed her medications around . He was the one who first suggested she had schizoaffective disorder . I 've no doubt that part of Daughter 's happiness is reReverend Mom May today there be peace within . May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be . May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith . May you use those gifts that you have received , and pass on the love that has been given to you . . . . May you be content knowing you are a child of God . Let this presence settle into your bones , and allow your soul the freedom to sing , dance , praise and love . It is there for each and every one of you . St . TheresaWhen Maria Shriver spoke at Tim Russert 's memorial service , she quoted the first two lines of this prayer . Those lines jumped out at me , and after watching the service , I came down and looked up the prayer on the internet . I am currently in the search process for a new church . I have been here for 12 years , and believe I have completed the work I was called to do here . I am ready for new challenges . Daughter needs to be someplace where there are more opportunities . This has been a wonderful place for her to grow up . I praise God for calling us from the inner city to Tiny Village , where Daughter has been safe and free to wander . When she runs away , I know she 's not going to get very far , and that the neighbors will keep an eye on her for me . Living in Tiny Village also means that she can 't go to the store on her own ( closest store is 10 miles away ) , and there isn 't public transportation to employment opportunities . When we go visit family , she loves being able to walk to the store alone . It would be wonderful if she could have that opportunity all the time . Currently we live about 3 hours from my parents . I would like to move closer to them so that I can offer more assistance and visit without having to camp out in the living room of Dad 's one bedroom apartment . Unfortunately , there aren 't many opportunities in that area right now . I know that God will call me to the right place at the right time . I know that both of the churches I have served have not been ones I would have sought out , but have been wonderful places to serve and grow . Posted by Once again I 've had the opportunity to reflect on the growth and progress Daughter has made . She does a pretty good job of understanding my ministry and not being jealous . The one thing that can still cause her jealousy to flare up is when she sees me spending time with people close to her age . She once complained loudly to Grandma , " She has her own kid at home . Why is she spending time with those kids at the church ? " The other day she arrived home from the workshop to discover a young woman a little younger than she is here doing odd jobs for me . Daughter was not only gracious , but thanked our guest for helping her with softball skills a year ago . She told her , " I can hit the ball now , because of your help . " I was impressed . The next morning I took a young woman who is a little older than Daughter and facing some challenges to breakfast so we could talk . When I 've done this in the past , jealousy has flared and I 've been made to suffer for my perceived disloyalty . Daughter was waiting for the bus and saw us leave . She waved cheerfully . When she got home that evening , I was gone , visiting with a woman who had just marked the halfway point in her chemo therapy . She called my cell , and I told her where I was and that I 'd be home in a bit . When I arrived home , she was in the kitchen fixing supper . I was impressed , to say the least . These may seem relatively minor , but each of them is progress for her . It 's nice to see her continuing to grow . I 'm especially pleased with how she handled being home alone for awhile . It gives me hope that the time will come when I won 't need to worry about getting a sitter when I 'm gone for extended periods . Daughter has always had a difficult time understanding what her body is telling her . It is thought that she tuned out a number of sensations as a result of her early abuse . There are still times when she 'll come complaining to me about not feeling good , and when I ask for specifics and she explains , I 'll tell her she needs to go the bathroom . She 's always surprised when I 'm right . When she was diagnosed with diabetes , one of my fears was that she would not be able to tell when her blood sugar was low until it was too late and she 'd lost consciousness . For a number of years , any time she 's mentioned any vague complaint , I 've responded with , " What 's your blood sugar ? " At one point I was sure she 'd have that placed on my tombstone , as that would be all she 'd remember of me . I 've been pleased with how well she has learned to identify lows . She catches them 99 % of the time . That doesn 't mean she has learned how to interpret the other signals her body sends . The other morning I got up early and came down to cook breakfast , which I only do a couple of times a week . Daughter came down and was quite pleased , and quickly informed me that she was hungry . She checked her blood sugar , took her insulin , and sat down to eat . " Mom , my stomach hurts . I can 't eat this . " " I thought you said you were hungry . " " I thought my stomach was hurting because I was hungry , but I was wrong . " Having taken her insulin , Daughter needed to eat , or she would go low . She had taken insulin based on eating a certain number of carbohydrates for breakfast . " You have to eat . " " I know . " She wandered off into the bathroom and came back in a couple of minutes . Sounding relieved , she assured me , " That was my problem ; I needed to go the bathroom . " She sat back down and still couldn 't eat . I suggested she go unload the dishwasher and talk to herself about how good her breakfast would be , and then she could stick it in the microwave to reheat and eat it . She tried , and was able to eat a few more bites . She fPosted by Last week we wrestled all the screens into place and opened all the windows downstairs to make up for the lack of air conditioning . The window in my study , over the cat bed , was a particular challenge . It took two men to get it open , and they really struggled to get the screen into position . Once they did , the window wouldn 't stay open , so I found a folding ruler , and with it extended to 24 inches , it was just about perfect . Saturday afternoon , I walked into the study , and noticed that the window was down , the ruler was on the cat bed , and the screen was out . I asked Daughter if she had closed the window . She denied even being in the study . I pondered what might have happened , and finally decided that maybe the screen and ruler had been knocked out when one of the cats had a confrontation with one of the neighbor 's cats , who sometimes hang out on our big front porch and torment our indoor cats . In church Sunday , a woman ( K ) came forward with a confession . She had broken into our house Friday night in search of electricity . Her husband was doing the framing for the new sidewalk they are laying in front of the house . They were in need of electricity for the work , and since there aren 't any outlets on the exterior of the house , they decided they needed to get into house . Daughter was on her date , so we weren 't home . For once I had actually locked the front door - and they didn 't know that there is a key in the unlocked garage ( they 're probably the only ones in Tiny Village who don 't know ) . Poor K , she picked the hardest window in the house to climb into , because of the cat bed that hangs on the window sill . She also picked the messiest room in the house to enter . The thought of her breaking into that particular room may have actually shamed me into going in there and cleaning today - provided it 's not too hot , that is . Daughter is slow . Daughter is very slow . Daughter is very slow at everything ( except showers , but that doesn 't count because she doesn 't wash herself in the shower - - she just gets wet ) . After church today , we headed for the City to visit a man in the hospital . Daughter brought along some art supplies to keep her busy . When we arrived at the hospital , I gathered my purse and my Bible and got out . Daughter gathered her art supplies and slowly got out of the car . I had stopped on my way to the hospital to wait for her , because I knew that she wouldn 't be able to find me if I got too far ahead of her . Because it was a Sunday , there weren 't many people in the waiting rooms downstairs . I pointed to a table where Daughter could set herself up , and headed for the elevators . When I came down , I spoke to Daughter and told her I was ready . I continued walking , but slowed down . When I was almost across the lobby ( this is a big ) hospital , I turned to see if Daughter was following . She was just standing up and beginning to gather her belongings into the backpack she had brought alone . I stood waiting , not very patiently , for her to put everything away and catch up . Once we got in the car , she quickly fell asleep . This hospital is over 60 miles away , so she had time for a nice nap , and I was very jealous because I wanted to sleep . As we approached Town , I told her to wake up and get ready , because we were going to stop at the grocery store . She protested that she was too tired and asked if we had to go today . I asked her if she wanted milk for breakfast and something to take in her lunch tomorrow . She didn 't know . We arrived at the grocery store , and I got out of the car with my purse , opened the back door and grabbed the two 5 - gallon water bottles we had brought to refill , went and got a shopping cart to put them in , and turned around . Daughter was just getting out of the car , carrying nothing . We finished our shopping and came home to Tiny Village . I pulled into the driveway and stopped before the garage . I always let DPosted by Daughter had a date last night . I drove her to town , where D met her at Pizza Hut for supper . A colleague and I sat across the restaurant . We had told Daughter we were going to come over and check on her every 2 minutes and ask how things were going . She was quite alarmed , and while hoping we were teasing , she wasn 't quite sure . As it was , she was the one who came checking on us . My colleague , K , could see them ; I was sitting with my back to them . K said Daughter kept looking over to see if I was still there . She stopped to talk to me on her way back from the salad bar , and again as they were getting ready to leave . I told her I 'd bring her lawn chair to the park . D drove her to the park , while I went to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions . She called to tell me not to bother with her chair , she and her friends had gotten a picnic table . I told her I 'd see her at the park , and would come sit next to her and put my arm around her . That drew protests from Daughter , and much laughter from her friends , who could apparently hear me . When I arrived , I could see them sitting with their friends . D had his arm around Daughter . I found a friend from church and sat in front of them . One of her buddies came over to talk to me , and hearing Daughter 's voice above the crowd , I told him to go tell her her Mom said to be quiet and listen to the music . He was quite excited about delivering the message , and came back to gleefully report Daughter had not been pleased ( I didn 't hear her voice above the crowd or music again , though ) . When the concert was over , D and Daughter quickly caught up with me . I stopped to talk to friends , and sent Daughter ahead to the car with my chair . When I approached the car they were happily hugging . They exchanged a kiss before Daughter got in . All the way home she was glowing . I accused her of going all starry eyed , but she was oblivious . She did come down to earth long enough to inform me she was never moving from this place , and tell me she wanted to go back to Town and hang out with D again todayPosted by Churches are not immune to telemarketers . I regularly get calls seeking to seeking to sell me new curriculum , new videos , t - shirts for the youth group , fundraisers for the youth group , service projects for the youth group , various singing groups , copy machine toner ( an old scam ) , and various other items and services . Today I received a call from a woman who wanted to know if we had a choir . " A very part - time choir , " I responded . " Oh , well could I speak to the choir director , please ? " " We have a part - time choir , as in they sing twice a year . Do you really think we have a paid staff member sitting here in the office to direct a choir twice a year ? " " Oh . " I never did hear what she was selling . My favorite , though , was the company that wanted to sell me some curriculum . The first two times they called , I very kindly and patiently explained we weren 't interested . My patience had run out by the third caller selling the exact same curriculum I had politely declined two times . " As I told the two previous callers , we aren 't interested in this curriculum . Would you please stop calling us ? " In a very sweet voice , the young man said , " God bless you . " For some reason his sickly sweet voice just angered me more . Fortunately , I didn 't say anymore . Daughter is a 21 year old woman who was repeatedly molested before she turned 3 . She wants a boyfriend . She is also afraid of getting close to any man , and doesn 't have very good taste in men . She came home the other day to announce she has a new boyfriend , D . He is in his 30 's , and she met him at the workshop . He lives in supported living with two other men , and has a car . Other than that , I don 't know much about him . I do know , though , about her history with boyfriends . Her prom date has been labeled a sex offender and sentenced to prison . He 'll have to register for the next 25 years . ( I blame the system , at least in part , for his troubles . He is developmentally handicapped , and when he graduated from high school the system set him up with an apartment and a job at McDonald 's and expected him to make it on his own with no supervision . ) There was the Iraq vet who wanted her to go spend the night with him the first day they talked . I said no . He was spending a lot of time at the VA for PTSD , and when he came to visit daughter , he was accompanied by his brother , who was looking after him . There was T , whom she has " gone with " numerous times . I think the longest it lasted was 2 weeks . Before Valentine 's Day , I was threatening to put a sign around Daughter 's neck warning men to stay away . Sure enough , on Valentine 's Day Daughter came home and announced she was giving T " one more chance . " That one lasted less than a week . There was J , whose parents were going to charge Daughter with phone harassment , until I gave them the phone records showing he was making most of the calls . So , now there is D . I let them go to a movie with friends a couple of weeks ago , but they were " just friends " then . Daughter came home tonight and said she wants to go to the concert in town tomorrow night with D and some other friends . She said D was willing to come pick her up and bring her home afternoon . I told her that I would take her , and would stay for the concert myself . This is part of a summer music series Posted by Yesterday , with help , I opened all the downstairs windows and got the storm windows out of the way and the screens in position . My living room , dining room , and study each have two huge windows . It is so much work to switch out the storm windows and screens , that I haven 't bothered to do more than one or two the last few years . It cooled down nicely last night , and this morning I came downstairs to a cool house with a gentle breeze blowing through . As I sat here this morning enjoying the breeze and the sound of all the birds , I was reminded of waking up in my tent on cool mornings in northern parts of our country . I would often lay there in my sleeping bag , giving thanks for time away and the beauty of God 's creation , soaking in the sounds and the sun and shadows moving across our tent . For years , we spent at least a week every summer camping . It would be a part of 4 weeks spent away from here for relaxation and renewal . Last year we didn 't go because in the midst of her psychiatric challenges , Daughter was too unstable to handle camping . Even though we weren 't camping , we had to return early because the loss of her routine was pushing Daughter back into psychosis . This year we didn 't go because we couldn 't afford it . We are in the waiting period between adoption subsidy and SSI , and I have had some major medical bills this spring . Just sitting here soaking in the sound of the birds and the gentle breeze , I have been renewed . I am reminded of what a gift it is to live in rural America away from heavy traffic and pollution . I am now profoundly grateful for the breakdown of the AC . I 'm sure that I will view it a little differently the first time it rains and I have to scramble to wrestle all the windows down , but today is sunny and clear , and I am grateful . We got home from our travels about 6 : 00 in the evening , and after we unloaded the car , I turned the AC on and turned on the fan I have carefully positioned over the duct in my bedroom . After a restless night , I woke up to find the house was still over 80 , and with a sinking feeling , I knew what was wrong . Village residents rely on well water , and most wells in our area produce water that is full of sulfur . Remember sulfuric acid ? Well , it floats through our homes and eats away at washing machine controls , copper pipes , and the copper coil and fittings in air conditioning units . It also can eat through the coils on refrigerators and freezers , and even the wires in televisions and such , though I 've been fortunate in that regard . Over the course of the last year , this is the 4th time I 've had to call the service people out to repair leaks . One trip last year extended over two days , as every time the poor man fixed one leak , another one would appear . Since this is the church 's parsonage , the church is responsible for repairs and maintenance . I talked to the president of the trustees and explained the situation . " I know we can 't get a new coil for this unit , and I 'm not sure it 's worth investing any more money in it . I 'll call the company , but I 'm going to have them check with you before doing any repairs . I 'd be satisfied with a window unit for my bedroom , but I don 't do well with heat , and so I need something . " The service people couldn 't come until the next day , of course . As I feared , the news was bad . The leak was in the coil , and the service man ( we 're on a first name basis after all his trips out here ) agreed that buying a new central air unit was probably not the best idea , given the quality of our water . . . . I called the trustee president . He and his son were here within a few hours to place a window unit in my bedroom . The trustees will discuss the situation at their meeting Sunday night . I requested another unit for Daughter 's room and one for the dining room downstairs . The dininPosted by Dad lives in an independent living apartment in a senior citizens ' complex . Ever since he got out of rehab after a hospitalization at Easter , he 's been complaining of difficulty sleeping . When I 've asked what he thought the problem was , he 's been vague , occasionally suggesting that he was having trouble getting the temperature right in his bedroom . Dad 's apartment is always too hot for me . When we 're there , I sleep in a recliner in the living room , and Daughter gets a couch . Since there are separate thermostats for the bedroom and living room , at bedtime I adjust the thermostat down in the living room , turn the ceiling fan on high , and make sure the recliner is positioned to get the breeze from the fan . So , I wasn 't surprised that Dad 's apartment was hot when we arrived . When I checked the thermostat , I found that though the AC was on , it wasn 't cooling . Dad told me it wasn 't working right . I found that the thermostat was loose , and if I pushed it in , the AC would come on . The second night Dad told me to leave his bedroom door cracked so that he could get some of the cool air in his bedroom . I asked about the AC in his bedroom , and he said it wasn 't working . I went in to investigate , and found it was blowing out room temperature air . The third night it was cooler , so I opened windows in the living room and bedroom and turned off the air . Monday morning I went down to the front desk and put in a maintenance request . ( I knew they wouldn 't have many maintenance people in over the holiday weekend . ) I asked Dad if the AC had worked at all this Spring / Summer . He said he didn 't think so . When we left to do some shopping at stores that he isn 't comfortable driving to , he expressed concern that they wouldn 't come fix the AC with no one home . I went back to the front desk and asked the receptionist to tell maintenance to go into the apartment and fix it even if we weren 't there . As we were out and about , Dad said , " You know , maybe the reason I haven 't been sleeping well is that it 's beeReverend Mom I 've been doing odd jobs for Dad - activating a credit card , redeeming reward points , cleaning the carpet , and changing his bed and washing the linens . I told Daughter that I wanted her to go get the sheets off his bed and the blanket with blood on it . I gathered the laundry supplies and told her to follow me down to the laundry room with the linens . When we got down there , I took the sheets and began treating the blood spots , and noticed there wasn 't a blanket . Daughter insisted I hadn 't told her to bring the blanket . I sent her back to the apartment to get the blanket with the blood on it . She returned with the blanket , and by this time I was done treating the sheets . " Where 's the pillow case ? " " You didn 't tell me you wanted the pillow case . " " I 'm sorry , I thought you understood that when we change the sheets , we also change the pillow case . Please go get it . " She returned with the pillow cases , and the second blanket . " I didn 't ask for that blanket . " " Well , I brought it . " I guess she figured that she 'd prevent me from sending her back for anything else . I never know when she 's being deliberately difficult , and when she really doesn 't understand what it is I 'm asking . I suspect it varies from day to day . I haven 't decided if I 'm going to make the bed by myself or ask her to help me . Some days she has issues with spatial things and understanding my directions . On those days , trying to work together on something like making a bed is an exercise in frustration for both of us . I 'll probably do it by myself . Posted by I went over to visit with Mom around supper time . She was seated at her seat in the dining room , folding and refolding a napkin . When I walked over , her face immediately lit up . Celebration number 1 . I gave her a hug and sat down next to her . She went back to folding the napkin . The woman seated next to her told her she needed to visit with me . I assured her that it was okay , and that the fact that she recognized me had been reward enough for this visit . I teased Mom , telling her to make sure that napkin was folded perfectly . ( She was always a perfectionist , and I could never fold a towel to her high standards . ) I was rewarded when she made a face at me . Celebration number 2 . She looked at me , and sized up the skirt and shirt I was wearing . She ran her finger over them both and smiled . I said , " Do you like them ? " She nodded . I thanked her . Celebration number 3 . Her meal came , and I encouraged her to eat . When I handed her the second half or her fish sandwich , she waved it off , saying , " I don 't want them . " She said a complete sentence to me , my fourth celebration of the visit . I helped her to the bathroom , and after she had finished her supper , I helped her up and out into the living room . I said good bye , and promised to be back the next day . As I headed out , she began to cry . I went over and hugged her again , and repeated my promise to visit again . As I left , she followed me to the door . She pushed against the locked door as I was trying to close it . At first I was afraid that she was trying to follow me . But when I turned to speak to her , she said , " I just wanted to say hi . " A long sentence . Granted , she said was confused about hi and bye , but it was a long , mostly appropriate sentence . I opened the door and gave her more hugs and kisses ; then she willingly returned to her locked cottage . The fifth and biggest celebration of the evening . Posted by My mother has dementia . Earlier this year we moved her from the independent living apartment she shared with Dad into a memory care cottage . She hasn 't been able to communicate well for quite some time . Daughter and I came to Dad 's apartment from our conference . We came , and have been visiting Mom daily . The first day we took her for a walk . She was slow to recognize us , but I think she enjoyed the walk . I told her we 'd be picking her up for a cookout at Sister 's , and went through the list of who would be there . She didn 't seem to understand . Yesterday we took her to Sister 's for a cookout . Daughter walked over to the cottage to get her ready , and then I drove Dad over to pick them up . She always recognizes her granddaughters , even when she doesn 't recognize her daughters - I 've teased her about that several times . Daughter said Mom was surprised we were going out , and had no memory of our conversation the previous day , which didn 't surprise me . When we got to Sister 's , it was a relatively small group - just 9 of us . Removing Mom from her routine and getting her around more people is hard on her . She is quickly overwhelmed . She did well with parts of the day . She ate all her hamburger , even though she took parts of it apart to eat it . We were attentive and took her to the bathroom any time she began to get restless or wander , as that is often a sign of a need to use it , but she can 't always remember where it is or what to do when she gets there . Even with our attempts to anticipate her needs , Sister had to intervene when Mom walked through the house pulling down her pants . At one point when I took her to the bathroom , and she was obviously distressed , not physically , but emotionally . I finally suggested it was hard when she was around so many people , and she couldn 't follow all the conversations and felt overwhelmed . She began to cry . I hugged her and held on . When I walked her back into the cottage , she didn 't want me to leave . I promised I 'd be back to see her today , but I 'm not suReverend Mom On our last night at this conference , we always have worship with communion . We worship every night , but the last night is a little more formal . The worship is always the highlight of the week for me . Daughter and I sat in the second row for the communion service , and there were some preschoolers in front of us . This is a community that welcomes all children , and the children are encouraged to sit on the floor at the front and participate in worship . This year we have on little girl who is a handful , to say the least . A friend of mine , who teaches preschool for special needs children , commented at supper that she hadn 't quite figured out a diagnosis for this child , but she knew there was one . Well , this little girl was one of the preschoolers in front of me . She was fidgeting , talking to friends , and generally being obnoxious . I found myself distracted . I went up for communion , and when I came back to my seat , I closed my eyes as I prayed . Suddenly it hit me . Why was I allowing a little girl to distract me from something that was important and meaningful to me ? Why was I focusing on her , instead of on God ? As I reflected further , I realized how often I allow little things to get in the way of what is really important . One of the things I 'm going to do in the next day or so is sit down and think about what are the priorities and what are the distractions in my life . Then , I 'm going to make sure it is the priorities and not the distractions that structure my life . I 've already identified one thing that at times becomes a distraction : the internet . It was down the last two days of the conference . While it was frustrating , it was also freeing . . . . One of the young women at the conference sat down at the table with me the other day to eat . She had met Daughter , and so she asked me if Daughter was my granddaughter . I told her she was my daughter . She then told me Daughter is beautiful and I thanked her . I got to wondering - do I look that old ? While I am old enough to be a grandmother , I 'm not old enough to have a grandchild who is 21 . Maybe I should consider coloring my gray hair , though I consider it a badge of honor . I 've earned every one of those gray hairs . Tonight I actually feel like I 'm old enough to be Daughter 's grandmother . Walking around the lake and dealing with all of the steps reminded me that I need to get back to regular exercise . I could use her comment to motivate me to get back in shape . Maybe I 'll just figure it 's the ignorance of youth , where everyone over 40 is considered old , and distinctions are lost . The conference center had fireworks in celebration of the 4th of July . We walked to the other side of the small lake to watch them . Daughter quickly grew bored with the fireworks . We hadn 't taken chairs , and the ground was wet , so we were standing . Every so often she 'd come over and lean on me and tell me she was tired and ask if she could go back and go to bed . I knew she wouldn 't be able to find her way back alone , and I wasn 't leaving , so I kept telling her no . Finally , frustrated with the constant whining , I informed her that every time she complained I was going to make her stay up another 5 minutes when we got back . " You can 't make me stay awake ! That only works with hiking . " ( The rule when we go for a hike is that every time she complains I add another mile to the hike . ) A friend said , " I 'll give her a sharp stick to poke you . " I simply said , " Try me . " She was standing behind me , so I don 't know what she did , but a friend said , " I saw that . It 's not that dark , and I can still see what you are doing . " I told her it was probably a good thing I hadn 't seen whatever it was , and she 'd best hope I didn 't get the eyes in the back of my head working . She watched the rest of the fireworks without complaining . When we headed back around the lake , she quickly ran ahead of me . She paused and said , " We have to get back , Mom , there 's going to be music and singing tonight . " " I thought you were tired and needed to go to bed . " " I was just tired of the fireworks , Mom . " I guess she can tell the truth - eventually . Posted by Daughter lies . She says she can 't help it , because she was born into a family of liars . I point out that she 's been with me for over 18 years , and I tell the truth . She is getting better about telling the truth , but there are still times when she lies . Last night when I got back to our room after the evening activities , she was already here in her pj 's . " Did you take a shower ? " " Yes . " " Will I find evidence ? " " Yes , my towel is wet . . . . You shouldn 't have to check , you should just believe me ! " I was silent , and continued what I was doing . I was 99 % sure she was lying , since the protest was a good sign she was being less than honest with me . It wasn 't long before she said , " Okay , I didn 't take a shower tonight . I 'll do it tomorrow . " This morning I got up and showered , and when I finished , Daughter headed to the bathroom . She quickly came out fully clothed . " What happened to the shower ? " " You said I could wait until tonight . " " No , I said you could wait until this morning . " " You 're a liar ! I hate you ! " She shouted this as she headed to the bathroom to take the shower . I could hear her in the shower fussing and fuming . I 'm not sure whether it was God or me who was the target of her anger . I hoped that the people in the room next door couldn 't hear her . It wasn 't long before she emerged from the bathroom . " Sorry . " As we headed out the door for breakfast , I said , " I 'm sorry if you didn 't understand I meant you were to shower this morning . You were beginning to smell pretty ripe . It would really be embarrassing to be with your friends and smell bad . " She agreed . This whole exchange was major progress : 1 . She confessed and acknowledged the lie before I verified it . There was a time when she would have continued denying the lie even when I proved it to be a lie . 2 . Very little of the anger was targeted at me . After her initial outburst , she went into the bathroom to take her shower and express the rest of the anger . 3 . The apology came quickly . 4 . She didn 't blame Reverend Mom One of the good things about returning each year to this community is that they help me recognize Daughter 's progress . A friend gave me a picture she had taken last year of Daughter and me . It is obvious that Daughter was not in a good place . You can see the tension and stress in her face ( and mine , too ) . A year ago when we came here , Daughter had just finished her second psychiatric hospitalization in less than 3 weeks . She would have a third hospitalization before the summer was over . This year she 's much happier and more relaxed . You can see it in the way she interacts with people and her willingness to leave my side . Daughter 's going to be one of several adults who are with the children this evening while the adults listen to the keynote speaker . She 's participating in the prayers in worship , and asked me to help her find a Bible verse she wants to use in her scrapbooking class ( I am the vine , you are the branches . . . . ) . I had supper with a woman who hadn 't been here in 4 years . She complimented me on the growth and progress she could see in Daughter . I get so tied up in the day to day challenges . I forget to look back and see how far we 've come . I forget that a year ago voices were telling her to kill me and it was impossible to reason with her . This year we successfully negotiated a compromise regarding the talent show and what it is and isn 't appropriate for her to do in it . Not only am I being renewed , I 'm gaining perspective and celebrating the growth and progress of this past year . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .

This is a true story on how I started wearing diapers again . As you can see from the title this took place a long time ago . For that reason I can 't remember precisely what was said so needless to say I have taken some liberties with the dialog but it 's pretty darn close . The timeline and occurrences are very accurate . I was In first grade . My aunt would often come over to the house with her son who was about two years old and in diapers . I would see him walking around and taking naps in them and sometimes I would wonder how it would feel to wear one . Thinking about it would make me feel kind of funny in a oddly pleasant way . One afternoon I was going out the front door when I saw my aunts diaper bag next to the couch and couldn 't resist looking in it . In it was a couple of folded diapers some pins and powder and a pair of baby pants . Suddenly I got the idea to take the baby pants into my closet and try them on . My mom and aunt were in the kitchen having coffee so I pulled them out and put them down the front of my pants and took off for my room . Getting in the closet I pulled them up and they were so small I was just barely able to get them over my shorts . I was nervous and scared by what I was doing . I stood there for a few minutes just touching them . Suddenly it occurred to me that if my aunt went into that bag and found them missing I was a dead duck she would know it had to be me . Pulling them off real quick I hurried back to the bag and put them back just like I found them . I ran out the front door . I knew what I had done was wrong but couldn 't help thinking how good it made me feel . The idea of going in and confessing was out of the question I was so embarrassed and confused there was no way I could bring myself to do it . I made up my mind I was never going to do that again and from then on whenever my aunt would come over I would avoid her and her son like the plague . I had not felt well for a couple of days and was getting worse . I hadn 't said anything to my mom about feeling sick and did my best to hide it from the very beginning because at school we had a field trip scheduled to a fire station and I was crazy about fire trucks . I had waited two weeks for the trip and wasn 't about to miss it . The morning of the tour I got up and really felt bad . I knew if I got anywhere near mom she would know I was sick and I wouldn 't be going anywhere so I pretended to be late and yelled goodbye to mom and slipped out the front She normally would have chased me down and made me eat breakfast but I guess she knew how excited I was about the fire station tour and just let it go . . When I got to school my sides hurt so bad I wanted to cry . I went into the bathroom and vomited and felt a little better . We walked to the fire station and started the tour and before long I vomited all over their floor and down the front of me . The teacher checked me and said I had a fever and was going to call my mom . A little while later mom showed up to walk me home . The teacher told her that several of my classmates had been down with the flu the last few days and was sure that 's what I had . When we got home mom put me right to bed . I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow . That evening mom tried to get me to eat but I couldn 't . The next morning I was worse and my sides felt like someone had kicked me in them . I didn 't tell mom about my sides hurting because I knew she would take me to the doctors and didn 't want any part of that . I slept the rest of the day and that night . The next morning mom came in . I had wet the bed and there was blood in my urine , I was covered in sweat and both my sides were so sore I couldn 't even sit up . I was turning yellow from jaundice and mom just about flipped out and hurriedly called my dad at work and he said he would be home in a few minutes and take us to the doctors and for mom to call ahead and tell him we were coming in . Dad had to carry me because I had the worlds worst case of the spinners and was so weak and my sides hurt so bad I couldn 't walk . The doc had me pee in a cup and went into another room . When he returned he told my parents I had nephritis which was a very severe and dangerous kidney and bladder infection and had to go to the children 's hospital at once . He called ahead and arranged to have me checked in . As soon as we got there the nurses put me in a treatment room and they started IV 's in both arms . by this time I was so out of it I didn 't care what they did . Years later talking to my mom she said when I was admitted I was nearly in complete kidney and renal failure and went into a coma for four straight days . They had massive doses of antibiotics going in the IV and had to give me chilling baths continuously to try and control the fever . They told my parents it was a about a 50 / 50 chance that my kidneys would shut down completely and then renal failure would finish me off . They said the next 72 hours would be the most critical . and if I did make it I was going to have major kidney and bladder damage . Also because the fever was so severe and hard to get under control it was possible I would suffer some brain damage . My dad was a yardmaster for the union pacific railroad and had a reputation in the rail yard as fair and honest , but one very tough man who rarely showed any emotion . When the doctors gave them the prognosis mom said it was the only time in her entire life she had ever seen him cry . She never forgave herself for not taking me to the doctors sooner but figured I had the flu like the rest of the kids . When I woke up I guess it was on the fourth day it was dark outside and I didn 't know where I was . In the room were three beds that had wires and tubes all over the wall behind them . The other two beds were empty . A nurse was at a desk reading and noticed me moving and came over . She asked me if I was thirsty and I had never been more thirsty in my life . She got a glass of water from the stand with a straw and held it so I could drink . I was still about half out of it and asked where I was and where my parents were . She explained that I was in the hospital and said my parents had just left to go home and get a some rest and would they would be back in the morning . Both arms were taped to small boards and had IV 's in them and there was a tube in my nose . My wrists were tied to the bed rails with gauze strips to prevent the IV 's from being pulled out . I asked the nurse to untie them and take the tube out but she said they would have to stay in for the night . I blacked out again . When I woke it was morning and my parents were there and said the nurse had called them last night to tell them I had regained consciousness and appeared to have gotten through it ok They returned to the hospital and even though it was against the rules the nurses let them sit with me the rest of the night . The doctor came a little later and told my parents the tube could come out that morning but the IV 's would stay in one more day along with the catheter . My parents left right after the doctor did . When they took the tube out of my nose it hurt like crazy because my throat was raw and it almost made me vomit . I was pretty groggy and slept most of the day and all that night . The next morning I woke up when two nurses came over to my bed and removed the IV 's and when they started removing the catheter it was the first time I was aware of it being there and more than anything else that really scared me . They gave me a sponge bath . One of them came back and had a diaper and baby pants along with a clean gown . As they started putting it on me I told them " I don 't wear diapers " but they said " you have to have it on so you just lay still and we 'll be done in a minute " she pulled it up between my legs and pinned it closed then put the baby pants under me and snapped the sides together . They sat me up to put the gown on then covered me up . The nurses went back to their desk and I laid there completely stunned at what had just happened . The diaper felt like I had a pillow between my legs I could hear the baby pants rustling with the slightest movement . I remembered the time in my closet when I tried on the baby pants from my aunts bag and wondered what it would be like with a diaper under them instead of my shorts . Well now I knew and it wasn 't anything like I expected . I was wore out and after a few minutes fell back asleep . Later when I awoke I was instantly aware of the diaper and begged the nurse to take it off . She went over to a cabinet and returned with another and started changing me . I pleaded with her the whole time not to make me wear it and she said just take it easy and we would talk about it later . I told her I was going to take it off and she " if you do I 'll have to retie your hands to the side rails like they were before " . I was trapped not only would she put it back on me but my hands would be tied as well and knew my folks were sure to find out . That afternoon when I saw my parents coming in with the doctor and I brought my knees up to hide the bulge of the diaper from showing through the covers . The nurse asked my mom to go out in the hall . When they came back in mom said " The nurse tells me your upset about the diapers . Honey you have been so sick that your insides are hurt and for awhile your not going to be able to hold it till you get to the bathroom so for the time being you are going to have to wear them . They can 't have you wetting the bed because everything has to be kept real clean so you can get well . I want your promise you won 't argue with them anymore about it " . Stunned disbelief is the only way I can describe that moment . The nurse said lots of kids wear them when they are in the hospital and dad said " they 'll just help you get better so you can go home " . I slowly lowered my knees in as I went into shock . The doc told my parents I was going to get shots of antibiotics every few hours and my blood would have to be tested twice a day . They would do tests to determine the level of kidney function that was left and what if any other damage had been done . I wouldn 't be released until the tests were completed and the antibiotics had gotten me stabilized and if every thing went well it should be about a week to ten days . When my parents left the nurse came over to my bed uncovered me and put her hand against the baby pants in the crotch area and then went to the cabinet . That 's the first time I got a good look at the diaper . It was covered by a pair of snap on baby pants that were basically white with tiny little yellow dots all over them and the vinyl was much heavier than the ones I had tried on in the closet . I guess they were made heavier because they were for hospital use . The nurse brought over a new diaper and pants with some powder and started changing me . I promised to go to the bathroom if she wouldn 't put it back on and she said " your mom told you not to argue , remember " . The whole time I was praying somebody wouldn 't come into the room and see me . When she finished she covered me up and told me if I had to poop to let her know and she would take it off and get me a bed pan . Having not eaten anything solid in days that wasn 't going to be for a while . They woke me up and took the diaper off to give me the shots and put a new one back on . Taking the blood samples from my arms hurt a lot . It seemed like every couple of hours while I was awake the nurse would check me to see if I was wet which I usually was . I wasn 't to concerned about being wet . With typical six year old logic I figured it was automatic that if you had a diaper on you would use it and if you didn 't you would hold it for the bathroom . I was just wishing they could understand that . I think it was the third or fourth day after I woke up when that evening my parents came back and the nurse told them I was going to be moved to a ward the next morning . " How about I get a wheel chair and we can go up there and see the ward " she said I told her I didn 't want to go . There 'll be other kids to play with and lots of toys and things . I don 't want to go I said . I think I know what the problem is she told mom . I 'll get you a robe to wear and put a blanket over you so you 'll be all covered up and with that she went and got the chair . When she took the covers off me I was so preoccupied at the thought of having to leave the room I was half in the robe before it dawned on me that mom and dad was standing there . By this time I wasn 't upset about wearing them in front of the nurses anymore but when my parents saw me with it on I wanted to find a rock and crawl under it and never come out . We went out into the hallway and to the elevator . When we got to the third floor instead of empty white walls this floor was painted with rainbows and had all kinds of kids stuff painted on them . We went to a door that was next to a row of windows were you could look in from the hallway . A nurses desk was just inside the door and my parents talked to the new nurse and told her why we were there . She said hi to us and to go ahead and look around . There was about fifteen beds . A long row of them by the windows facing outside and smaller rows about half way down the two sides . In the middle was a play area with pads on the floor with books and toys on them . Most of the beds were occupied as it was getting late . Suddenly I noticed a girl about my age laying on her stomach in one of the beds by the window . She was looking at me through the bars on the side on the side of the bed and was wearing a gown like the one I had on . They were yellow with cartoon animals printed on them and came down just above the knees . Her gown was all scrunched up to her waist and she was wearing a diaper and baby pants . The back wall had a door leading to the bathroom . Next to it was a large cabinet with a padded top . The shelves below were filled with diapers and baby pants and on a smaller shelf attached to the wall a couple of feet above the pad was some powder and a bar of soap in a dish with diaper pins sticking all over in it . We went back to my room and after saying goodnight to my parents they gave me another shot and a fresh diaper . I started thinking about the girl in the ward . How could she do that ? How could she just lay there with everybody seeing it ? How am I going to wear them in front of all those kids ? Wait a minute , why was I thinking about how I COULD wear them ? And then it occurred to me that over the last couple of days while I was still terribly embarrassed that anybody especially my parents knew I was in diapers I was also beginning to feel a strange calm and soothing sense of comfort from them . Maybe I was brain damaged after all . The next morning I had to drink some stuff that tasted like chalk and wasn 't allowed to eat anything . A few minutes later we went to x - ray for some tests . the nurse pulled my gown way up by my chin and unpinned one side of the diaper and slid it down by my knees . As soon as they took the photos she pulled it back up and repinned it . Next we went to see the doctor and it was a new one I hadn 't seen before . He told me he was going to do a test to check my bladder and that it might hurt a little bit but knew I was tough and could take it . I 'll just say this , the test involved a tube in all the wrong places and he was almost right it did hurt , and it wasn 't a little bit . That 's all he said you did fine . Get me out of here . We went to the elevator and the nurse said she would get me some breakfast as soon as I was settled in the ward . I looked for the girl but she was gone . I wondered if she wore a diaper home . Both nurses took me to a bed by the window and put me in it . The bed was smaller than the one in the room and this one had sides that pulled way up . All the way around the top was a frame with rings like in a shower on it . They started taking the robe off me and I tried to both pull the covers up and the gown down at the same time to hide the diaper . The new nurse got my chart and reached up to a long plastic panel across the top front rail . It had a place for the patients name and doctors name . She filled all that out with a big blue felt pen . Next was a place for medications and she put that up there . Last was a big long square for nurses instructions . She wrote in great big blue letters DIAPERS . The only thing missing was the flashing neon arrows . The old nurse said goodbye and left . Next the new nurse came over to the a stand next to my bed and put down a stack of diapers and baby pants with a can of powder . I quickly looked around and none of the other kids had paid any attention . When it came time for the first change she did it right there in the bed and I looked out the window so I wouldn 't see the kids staring at me . I got a little teasing from some of the kids when the nurses couldn 't hear but nothing like I expected . When I had to go number two they would let me walk to the bathroom and take the diaper off so I could do my business . When done they would take me out to the changing table by the door and diaper me where everybody walking down the hallway could watch . One day a kid in the bed across from mine started crying and having a fit and his mother said if you don 't stop acting like a baby their going to put diapers on you like him . I loved the wearing them so much by that time I thought you should be so lucky . It was a week to the day when I went to the ward that I was to be released to go home . Mom and dad came that morning and they had a bag with them . I had already resigned to the fact that this was my last day in diapers and felt terrible even though I was going home . Mom took a pair of pj 's and a robe out of the bag and handed them to the nurse . She put the bottoms on right over the diaper and then the top and robe . I was still embarrassed when my parents saw me in them . I waited for mom to say something to the nurse about leaving the diaper on but she never said a word . We got in the wheelchair and went to the entrance . Dad had left a few minutes before to get the car and was waiting out front with it . On the way home I came up with a plan to steal the baby pants out of the trash and hide them after they took them off me at the house . When we got home mom said I should lay down and take a nap . I didn 't argue at all because I still tired very easy and was beat . We got to my room and mom took the robe off me and asked if I was wet . I said no and she said jump in bed and covered me up . I was really surprised she didn 't take it off me then but knew she would when I woke up . When I awoke mom was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at me . She said she was glad I was back home . Then she got up and went over to my dresser and opened the top drawer . She took out a diaper and baby pants with some powder . I couldn 't believe what I was seeing . Honey it 's going to be a while before you can stay dry so were going to continue with the diapers for now . I said ok and tried to look disappointed so I wouldn 't give myself away but wanted to jump up and shout I deserved an Oscar nomination for that one . She uncovered me and pulled my pajama bottoms off and unsnapped the baby pants . She unpinned the diaper putting the pins in the front of her blouse . She told me to lift up and put the new diaper under me and I turned beet red . Why are you blushing ? This isn 't the first time I have seen you in a diaper you know . Who do you think diapered you when you were a baby ? I knew that but it was still embarrassing . She sprinkled the powder on and brought the diaper up and across the front of me . The ones at the hospital felt good but were not what you would call comfortable . This one was as soft and light as a cloud even though it was much thicker and felt wonderful . The baby pants were all white and pull on style . They were light weight and silky soft AND QUIET they hardly made a sound . The hospital ones were somewhat snug fitting and would kind of chafe me around the legs and were so noisy you could hear them crackle every time you moved . These were big and roomy and felt absolutely great . I had died and gone to heaven . She went back to the dresser and took a T shirt and pajama bottoms off the top and put the pj 's on me then the shirt . This shirt will cover your bottom and I thought you might like that she said . It was extra long it almost came down to my knees , I don 't know where she got it but it was very considerate of her . I got up and went into the living room and dad had gone back to work . Our front door had a small diamond shaped window in it and for days I found my self constantly checking that window to be sure somebody wasn 't looking in . I had an aunt named ruth who lived just a few houses down the street and she had came over virtually every week day for coffee with mom for as long as I could remember . You could always hear her coming up the front walk saying hello in a way that was a cross between a yell and singing . Whenever I heard her coming I would run to my room jump in bed and cover up till she left . One morning I was laying on the couch listening to the radio and mom came over to me and said give me you pajama bottoms so I can wash them and I took them off and gave them to her . The shirt was long enough to keep me covered so I continued to lay on the couch . I had just been setup and didn 't know it . A few minutes later I heard my mom in the kitchen start to giggle and looked up over the back of the couch to see what was so funny and here came Aunt Ruth through the kitchen door making a beeline straight for me . I knew exactly what she had in mind and was powerless to prevent it . She reached over the back of the couch and grabbed me under the arms and pulled me up and put me on her hip . How come you run to bed every time I come over ? While at the same time planting her free hand right square on my bottom . I just shrugged my shoulders and looked at mom and she was grinning like a Cheshire cat . Hey ! what 's this under your shirt ? Another shrug . If I didn 't know better I 'd swear it was a diaper . Shrug . We better have a look and she pulled the side of the shirt up . By golly I was right I can see the diaper right there under your rubber pants . I just grinned and didn 't say anything . You know this isn 't the first time I have seen you with a diaper on . I used to change you when you were a baby . Where had I heard that one before ? The question was who hadn 't diapered me as a baby . I was glad it was finally out in the open with her because I was getting tired of hiding every time she came over . Now you don 't have to hide from me anymore and she put me back down on the couch . They went into the kitchen and had a good chuckle that their plan had worked so well . Mom didn 't drive so when I had to go to the doctors Aunt Ruth would take us . When we got to the doctors office the waiting room was filled with parents and their kids . One boy about two was laying on the floor drinking from a baby bottle with his diaper clearly showing through the bottom of his shorts . I wondered if he liked wearing them the way I did . After the appointment we went to a department store . I rode in the basket . Mom had bought me pants that had lots of extra room in them and when I wore with my long shirt nobody could tell I was wearing a diaper . We went into the clothing department and passed a mirror when I saw the back of my shirt was hung up on the back of the seat and the baby pants were showing out the top of the pants . I shoved the shirt down in the back real fast and started looking around to see if anybody had seen it . It seemed like everybody was looking and I couldn 't wait to get out of there . The school had arranged toPart 5 - Ann of a thousand dreams Mom told me one night that in the morning her and dad was going out of town for a couple of days to a railroad convention and that Ann was going to baby - sit me while they were gone . Well let me tell you about Ann . She was my cousin in her early twenties and was very pretty . Her husband was in the Air Force overseas and she lived across town by herself . I had always had a little kid 's crush on her and loved to be around her . However , she was the last person in the world I wanted to know about my secret . I asked mom to let Aunt Ruth baby - sit me and she said that was impossible because she and her husband who also worked for the railroad was going with them . I felt like the whole world had just fallen in on me . Late the next morning when my parents were about to leave Ann pulled up out front . I had already figured out what to do . I went into my bedroom and dropped my pajama bottoms real quick and unpinned one side of the diaper and slid it off and hid it under my bed . I put the pajama bottoms back on and went back out to the living room . Mom gave me a kiss and happily she didn 't give me a pat on the rear like she sometimes did and the long shirt did it 's job . After they left Ann and I sat on the couch and talked . Like I said earlier about the six year old logic I didn 't think I needed them and could use the toilet for a couple of days . Everything was going fine then suddenly I started flooding all over the place and jumped up from the couch in horror and ran for the bathroom . Ann followed me in there and said " why aren 't you wearing a diaper your supposed to have it on ? " The sudden realization that my parents were right and I did need to wear diapers after all plus what I had just done in front of Ann was too much and I started crying and shaking . She hugged me and didn 't say anything until I calmed down . She asked me again why I wasn 't wearing it . I told her I didn 't want her to know about them and also what I had done when she arrived . She turned on the bath water and took my clothes off and helped me in the tubWhen I awoke Ann was in the kitchen making dinner . I just lay there quietly until she came in to check on me . When she found I was awake she left and then come back in a moment a diaper and changed me on the couch . As she was doing it I was sort of smiling and she said " Well it 's nice to see you smiling for a change " True to her word she had my long shirt and pj 's ready . We had dinner and then just talked about whatever came to mind . She said when I was in the hospital the whole family was hoping and praying that I would be ok . Your folks didn 't sleep for days until they knew you were going to be all right she said . The next morning we had to go over to her house to feed her dogs . On the way there I had really soaked myself . Ann fed the dogs and I just looked at stuff in her living room till she was done . She came in and called her girlfriend . She said hang on just a minute and covered the mouthpiece and asked me why I was fidgeting so much . I didn 't realize I was but it was because I was uncomfortable . The diaper was very wet and as much as I liked wearing them I didn 't like them wet . I told her why and she asked her girlfriend if she could borrow three diapers and hung up right after that . I was wondering how she was going to explain that to her friend as she didn 't have any kids . The doorbell rang and Ann answered it . It was her friend and she had the diapers and a baby girl about one year old . She asked Ann what she needed them for and she said " they 're for him , he just got out of the hospital and has to wear them for a while " . I just stood there looking at her and thinking how could you do that ? She got down on her knees on the carpet and patted the floor with her hand . Come here and lay down for me . I was so mad at her I told no not until her friend left . Oh come on ! She changes her baby all day long and she won 't think anything of it and grabbed my hand and pulled me over . Her friend sat down on the couch as Ann started changing me . When she was done and pulling my pants back up her friend said " I wish it was that easy to change my baby , she 's always wiggling all over the place . " By the time we got home I had gotten over being mad at her . That night as she was diapering me for bed she kept looking at me with a smug grin . Finally she said " You know something I think I discovered a secret about you , and you know what I 'm talking about don 't you ? I shook my head no . Oh yes you do . Don 't worry I promise I won 't tell your mom or anybody else , It will just be our secret . She knew . My parents returned the next day . As Ann was leaving she gave me a hug and a kiss and whispered real low so only I could hear " You want to know my secret ? I liked putting them on you almost as much as you like wearing them " It was about eight months before my bladder and sphincter muscle had mended well enough to consider going back to school but by then it was the start of summer vacation . My dad suggested to mom that I go to summer school but my grades were straight A 's thanks to the battleaxe 's tutoring . Even though I hated her she did a good job . I told mom I didn 't want to go to summer school as I was just getting to the point where I could play with my friends again and she agreed and said she don 't worry she would handle dad . She did . He might have been one tough man but he was no match for her . At about the same time I started drying up during the day I was starting to get a little uncomfortable being diapered by my mom . Don 't misunderstand me I wasn 't losing my attraction for the diapers . I was just starting to feel kind of weird having her do it and asked her one night if I could put it on myself . She agreed and gave me a few pointers because I wasn 't very good at it . I have been doing it myself ever since . Mom had found a company that sold underwear that had cotton on the outside just like regular underwear and terry cloth lining on the inside with a plastic pants between them . They were a little thicker than regular underwear but didn 't show under regular clothes at all . I still had a few accidents during the day but kept my bladder emptied out as much as possible so they were small ones and the pants worked just fine . When I started school the teachers were told about my need to go to the bathroom frequently and I was allowed to leave anytime I needed to . Sometimes I would use it as an excuse to get out of class and goof off . I got caught a couple of times and warned . The final outcome of this period in my life is this , I have a permanent 40 % loss of kidney function . I have never stopped wetting at night since the illness and have what they call urge incontinence during the day but with frequent bathroom visits I 'm able to control it almost entirely . I still get that calm comforting feeling from wearing diapers and hope I never lose that . I met a girl in the late sixties and we became very close . One night when we were sitting around I told her about what happened to me when I was a kid and the need to wear diapers at night . To make a long story short we have been married for over thirty years . Oh by the way in case your wondering , I still use cloth diapers . There like potato chips , once you start you can 't stop . One more thing . Just before I met my wife I attended a family reunion . Ann was there and I hadn 't seen her since she moved to California were her husband was being transferred to . That was right after she babysat me . We talked for a long time and I finally I told her I had to get going to catch my plane . As I was leaving she asked me " do you remember when I babysat you that time ? " I told her sure I did . She just got this big smile and whispered in my ear " Still enjoying them diapers ? " Adult Diaper Stories thanks you for your visit . We hope you found a Diaper Story you like . Try using our Google Search Box which will scan 1000 's of Diaper Stories and Abdl Stories in seconds for you . All you need to do is type something in the search box that interests you . Maybe you like the popular Diaper Punishment Stories or Adult Diapers Stories . Do a search for Diaper Girl Stories and you will get too many results .

Yesterday I hit the wall . Writing a story a day was no less taxing than I expected it would be , and I simply ran out of gas . I could not think of a single plot line that was worth tackling yesterday , and even now my brain still hurts . So that was the experiment for this year . I 'll rest a bit , get my brain back into working order and begin turning it to the next project . I hope some of you have enjoyed the work this month . The client , Abraham Jackson , stood behind the curtain and finished removing his clothes . He reached for the woollen breeches and pulled them on . They were loose and baggy and had no tie . . . but there was a string , also , and it had been explained how to tighten the breeches around his waist . " Where am I going , exactly ? " Abe asked . " That 's hard to pinpoint , " answered the vendor , Garrett . " You can be pretty sure that it 'll be somewhere between the thirteenth and the fifteenth centuries . And probably somewhere in Europe . It took me months to get the fibrillation that fine . I 'd hate to muck with it . " Some . But hey , it 's time travel . It has a certain appeal no matter what past you see . It 's a damn sight different from Gulfport . " " Well forget it . I made up my mind after looking over your equipment . There isn 't enough amperage to hurt me , and if nothing happens , I 'm not going to be surprised . And that check I gave you won 't clear . " Jerry was sitting quietly , his EMT tool box beside him , looking ready . Every time Garrett had a new client , Jerry did him the favor of being available . That didn 't include selling the clients however , and Jerry only grunted . " Yes . Please understand . . . about half my clients come back hurt in some way . Time doesn 't pass here while you 're in the past . So you can stay there as long as you like . Most people give it a week or so , and find they can 't get comfortable in the rustic surroundings , or they get a little freaked out with the culture . Those that try to stay longer quit the moment they get really sick , or they break an arm or something . That 's why Jerry is here . He 'll take care of you when you come back . " " Surely . I told you . . . time doesn 't pass here . You step in and the machine cycles you out and into the other time line . Then , when you want to come back , the machine cycles again and brings you back . From our perspective , you 're in , you 're out . The only thing that takes time is the machine cycling twice . " " We had one fellow come back at ninety - five years of age . How he survived that long , I can 't guess . He said he arrived just in time to learn Polish before getting a chance to sit down and talk to Copernicus . Then he spent years just building himself up to being an important doctor in a town called Konigsberg . Take my advice - if you try to stay , be a doctor . It 's an easy life , and if you stick to basic first aid you 'll build up a good reputation and when a patient goes sour on you most of the villagers will keep you from being lynched . " Garrett squared his shoulders and beamed . " Four months in Cadiz , Spain . I was too early to see Columbus or the Spanish Armada , but the sights were worth the trip . I had to come back , though - I was afraid I 'd caught syphilis . Turned out to be a false alarm , eh Jerry ? " " Don 't worry about it . You 've got shots for most of the serious ones . . . you could turn up during the Black Plague and you 'd be fine . Be a pretty nasty vacation , though . I 'd run for the hills just to stop yourself from having nightmares . If you 've got a strong stomach , though , you could make a killing as a doctor . . . end up living like a king . " " Sorry , nothing I can do about that . Time keeps passing for you . You 'll get older . Those are the breaks . You 'll see a world you 've never seen . . . and come back to find your kids are still alive . Don 't wait too long and the people at the office won 't be shocked to find your hair 's gone grey over the weekend . ' Course , you could come back and find you can 't go back to your old job . " " Well , one fellow went through and the machine didn 't cycle again . He had that same chip in his arm that you had . . . and I 've tried the GPS to locate it , but apparently the transmitter in it was destroyed over the centuries . It must have been something that killed him instantly , so he didn 't have time to activate it . " " No , don 't say anything else . It 's not important . Just so long as I have enough warning to squeeze my wrist very hard - " " Just move inside the box . Go ahead and lean on the sides , it won 't make any difference . The machine cycles everything inside , despatializing it and plopping it into the other time frame . " Garrett waved his hand . " Sorry , that 's not very scientific . It all particle physics and it isn 't easy to explain . Take my word for it . . . you and the air with you are going together at the same time . " " I 'm just going to close the box and the machine will start to cycle . You 'll hear an escape of air , and a quiet whirring , and then there 's going to be a hell of a flash . Don 't worry about closing your eyes . . . the flash is your brain cells interpreting the new data . It isn 't coming through your vision . Ready ? " Garrett grinned , and gave a sharp , approving nod of his head . He moved to a console and activated the machine . The door closed , and for twenty seconds it cycled . Getting up from the ice was not Norman 's best thing . He tucked his legs under him and failed on his first try . . . he fancied he could hear his father shouting at him to get up , from the board way across the rink , but that was probably just Norman knowing his father would be yelling . A blur of skaters went past him , on their way back to the other side 's net , and Norman finally climbed to his feet - just in time to get blindsided from the back , and dumped on the ice again . It was the same player . Norman saw the blue helmet with yellow flecks . He didn 't know the other player , or any of the other team . They were in Thornecliffe , playing at an outside rink , and Norman 's team was losing . Norman got to his feet and got back to his place on the blue line . He was a defenseman . He knew what that meant . He was a no talent loser . The talent played on the forward line . His father told him different . His father had been telling him different for six years , and now that Norman was twelve he was past telling . For awhile there , when he was nine , he nearly bought into it . And maybe , when it came to real hockey , being a defenseman did mean something . But in the league , Norman knew it was where they put you because they had to put you somewhere . The puck came to him and he whipped it across the ice in the direction of the left wing . He didn 't try to play the puck . . . that would have been a disaster . It would have just gotten taken away from him . He was done trying that game . Now the coach was yelling at him and that was fine . The coach was always mad . His parents were always mad . Norman hated hockey and there was no way out of it , at least not for another season and a half . He was bigger than most of the others , and that worked against him . Everyone said that if he could improve his stick handling and his skating and his balance and his shooting , he 'd go far . They had been trying to make him go far for a long , long time . Norman didn 't want to go far . The puck came again and Norman tried to back up to get it . He got his stick on it , and it slid down the board into the corner . Skating as best he could , he went for the corner , and sensed - or heard - someone coming up behind him . A moment after he touched the puck , he felt himself slammed off it and into the boards . His helmet hit hard and for a moment he saw stars . Then he was on the ice , sliding on the boards , rolling onto his back . He got on his feet and started back across the ice . He knew he 'd been boarded . Again , the penalty hadn 't been called . It was never called . Norman had been feeling dull and uncaring , but now he had a mission . He didn 't care about the puck , or the ice . He was mad , now . He began picking up his feet more , following the pack , but not for the puck . He wanted to catch the player with the blue and yellow helmet in just the right place . It took awhile . Norman ground his teeth together and skated in wide circles , waiting for his chance . The puck came past him and Norman fought to play it in the direction of his enemy . He didn 't care if he lost the puck now , so long as the puck got him right where Norman wanted to be . When the chance came it was so perfect he couldn 't have hoped for a better set - up . Norman played the puck towards the right side boards , just past the red line , and blue - and - yellow went right for it . Then the right winger , Tony , came face to face with him and together they crossed sticks to get the puck . Norman didn 't care . All he could see was blue - and - yellow framed against the white boards . Without hesitation , Norman dug his feet in , pushed with all he had and skated straight at his enemy . Norman tucked , and hit his target low , dead in the shoulders , crushing the player against the boards . The sharp , sickening impact was like music to Norman 's ears . He kept his feet . He turned around , and skated away . No one was yelling at him . No one was making any sound . The kid wasn 't getting up off the ice . He started for the way off and passed a couple of the players on his own team . They weren 't angry , just confused . None of them were Norman 's friends . They were just other kids who were always disappointed that Norman couldn 't play better . His father was there when Norman came off the ice . He wasn 't mad , either . He looked scared . Norman couldn 't see why . He looked back , and saw they were carrying the kid off the ice now . Things got hard after that . Norman was pulled aside and into the community centre , where his mother watched over him . There was no friendly moment where his mother bought him a drink or something to chew on . She just watched him , like he was a bug . Norman was used to it . He knew his father was talking to the coach . It was a long conversation . Norman began to think about taking off his skates . He knew he had to wait until he was told to . His father came in and walked to Norman 's mother as though he was carrying two big suitcases . " The other boy has a concussion , " Norman 's father said , directly to Norman 's mother , as though Norman wasn 't there . " He lost two teeth . They don 't think it 's anything really serious . I talked to the boy 's father and thankfully there isn 't going to be any action . I asked if there was anything we could do and he said no . But he said he would call us if he learned anything else . " " As far as Norman goes - " . . . and here Norman 's father at last acknowledged Norman 's existence with a look ; " - he 's off the team . The coach doesn 't want anything more to do with him . So that 's it . A thousand bucks of hockey equipment down the fucking drain . " They told Norman to undo his skates and they collected everything to take it out to the car . Norman kept his head down , to hide his smile , that he couldn 't quite get under control . They weren 't watching him , and they didn 't see . They were talking about how they could see the equipment somehow . Norman wasn 't listening . He was wondering what it would be like to have a Saturday that didn 't have a game he had to play , and didn 't have a practice he had to go to . The building had no elevator . It was five stories and the movers had maneuvered the sofa - bed up four of them . The stairs were narrow and inconsistent from floor to floor , so that as they made their way around each turn , it took figuring and a lot of shoving to make the piece of furniture go . " God help the poor bastards who have to take this out again , " said Brett as they passed the third floor . Later on , his comments towards the sofa - bed were less considerate . Mark took the nature of his partner in stride . Brett was 52 , thirty - one years older than Mark , and a little bit frightening at times . Brett was massive , quick to anger , indifferent to pain - both his own and Mark 's - and often impatient . What he did not have was endless energy , and that was where Mark beat him hands down . But because of it Mark had to do most of the leg work around the Furniture store 's warehouse . Brett did all the driving . They spent most of their days in the truck , delivering or picking up , but they didn 't talk much . They didn 't listen to the radio much . Mark could start a conversation and Brett didn 't seem to mind , but their talking never seemed to go on very long . Now they were making the last turn to bring it onto the fifth floor . The stairs made a tight bow around a bit of plastered wall . Brett was below , holding most of the weight on his shoulders , and Mark was squeaking the sofa - bed between the stair 's railing and the wall . Then suddenly Mark heard a grunt , and then a great wheeze , and the sofa - bed fell out of Mark 's hands . There was all of fourteen inches between Brett 's legs , the sofa - bed and the wall . Mark bent forward , let himself fall into the hole , and caught himself on his arms without touching Brett 's legs . From there it was easy to snake the rest of the way through . Brett was covered in sweat . His face was brick - red . " I think its . . . a heart - attack , " said Brett . " I felt my arm just before . . . " He caught his breath . " Call , " he managed . " Brett tried to stop him , but he couldn 't shout . Helplessly , he listened to Mark run and jump down the stairs , until finally going out the inside front door , then the outside front door . Brett heard them close , one at a time . He laid as still as he could , wishing he could get the sofa - bed off him , not daring to do it himself . He didn 't want anyone else , either , not unless they could both pick it up together . A long time passed . Brett chastized himself for getting into this trouble . He was mad at himself for being as old as he was . Distantly , he heard an apartment buzzer ringing insistently . Mark had realized by now that the truck was locked , and that he couldn 't get back in the building . Brett heard Mark yelling . Then the downstairs door opened , and Mark started running up the stairs . Neither spoke . A minute passed and the woman came again to the top of the stairs . " They 're on their way , " she said . " How are you ? " " He 's in a bad way , " answered Mark . " Find someone up there who can help me get this sofa off him ! " Brett grinned . " Stop worryin ' , I said . I can 't feel my left arm at all , and my right one 's just about dead . So am I , I think . " Mark blinked , and began to cry . It was shock , really . . . he didn 't sob or break down . He didn 't take his eyes off Brett 's face , either . He 'd never seen Brett look the way he did . " Don 't worry about it , " answered Mark . Then he started , remembering it was what Brett had told him . Mark moved back , walking down the steps until he came to stand next to the fourth floor door . And there he waited . He thought about deciding not to go to university the autumn before . He thought about not starting the band with Fred and Roddy . He thought about ending it with Olivia , four months ago . Her mouth made a big round ' O ' when he told her he 'd never been fishing , and she insisted that that weekend they strike out . She arranged for a fishing rod for him , she bought him a sleeping bag , and Saturday morning , early , they packed up . They hiked up to the back - end of Boom Lake and picked a spot amid the trees , and set out their tent and their gear . She laid a huge blanket on the ground under the sky , and spread open their sleeping bags on top of it , and as the warmest part of the day passed , they christened the campsite with great sex . They laid together naked in the woods , him on his back , her nestled in his shoulder . " So this is fishing , huh ? " he asked . " Oh , I 've been thinking about that . " He made an arc in the air with his hand . " First thing , your parents get killed in a car accident . " " See ? We 're already in the future . You 're parents will probably be dead by the time we get back home tomorrow night . Can I go on ? " " As I was saying , you practice . . . a LOT . All the time . I start to miss you , and we don 't have any children . " " Shut - up . You get really good at the clarinet and people start to take notice . You get a gig with an orchestra , and you start getting drunk with the girl violinists and half the time you 're doubling down in Vegas . " " So I decide I 've got to have you back . I start stalking the tour you 're on , going from city to city and selling drugs to enable me to overcome the staggering ticket prices . You don 't even remember I exist anymore . . . " " Exactly , " he said . " And you shoot me dead with it . And at that moment you realize I 'm the perfect man for you , and we live together happily ever after . " " Wait ! " he said . " I 've had another vision of the future . You go fishing , and make the beds in the tent and fall asleep . " Mary sat at the lab bench , her feet wrapped around her stool , surrounded by her brothers and her husband , all three leaning over her . They were afraid to speak to her . They were afraid to interrupt her . Mary peered in the microscope and at long last she finally said , " Uh huh . " " It was a genetic problem from the start , " said Mary . " It doesn 't happen over night . And the first five years were wasted from not understanding enough about the subject . We learned from that , however . " She ran her eyes over the glass apparatus , the books of notes , the burn marks on the wooden table . . . signs of years and years of effort and research and disappointment . Step by step and year by year they had built the source , and sometimes at great cost . Three times they 'd come close to losing everything . But here it was now . Mary reached out and picked the full cubical bottle from the table . The tea - brown liquid flowed and rolled within , catching the light , glistening in it as no comparable formula had . It was the light and the way it shone through the bottle that was sure to make them millions . A hundred and fifty a bottle here in North America . Possibly twice that in Europe or Japan . We 'll have to contact our overseas distributor once he sees the result . He might suggest a higher sum , depending on market analysis . " Boys , we have something that can 't be equalled - unless someone else is working on this right now , and I think we 're all sure they 're not . This is ground breaking . It 'll be at least a decade before someone copies it , and by they we 'll have sewn the market . " Mary grinned . " Just selling the process alone would be enough - they 'll scream blue murder in America once the supply starts . " " We could cut in some of the interest groups , " said Tom . " We have pretty hefty debts we could stand to take care of right now . Maybe Vermont would pay . " Mary stood up , and took the bottle from Alfred . " To hell with Vermont . " She held the bottle up to the light , again enjoying the way it changed the liquid 's color . I had got a brace of pheasant in the Lord 's wood , and thought to be working my way out the way I come in when I ran across a ploughed field , and along the field a wood fence . I spied around me but saw no Hayward , and counting myself lucky I headed along the fence in quest of the lane I knew to be west of where I was . The sun was setting and I knew the way . The young girl was sitting upon a stile , watching me come on , seeing me before I saw her . Her hips were swathed in a rag , and the shirt she wore was tied around her waist with a dirty sash . She was none too clean herself , but not being a man keen to ablutions either , that made little difference to me . I wondered at her intent , and would have asked her , but that her intent was made clear as she climbed down off the stile and came towards me , her eyes never leaving mine . I dropped my pheasants near a post , and leaned my bow , and together we laid down in the wheat that had grown wild next to the field , and knew each other better . I know not what happened when I woke , to find myself whole , and the girl still beside me . Now there were two men , who looked alike to each other that I knew them brothers . My first thought was that my poaching had been discovered , but this was not their look . They rode no horse , or showed any sign of heraldry , but one had my pheasants and one had my bow . The one with my bow had gotten my knife , too , for I could see it clearly in his belt . The one with my bow spoke to the girl in an unfamiliar tongue , and the girl answered likewise , and I got from her way and from the man 's way that they were acquainted . I grasped my waist and found my pouch still there , and seeming all the coin that was in it , ten pieces in all . The man did not seem interested in my coin , and was not angry , nor was his brother when he said a word or two , but it was made clear to me that I should stand up and that I should walk with them . When we come to the lane , that being the way into the Lord 's fiefdom , down the glen and to the little hamlet with its mill and villiens , the girl and the brothers grew quiet and fearful . We crossed it quickly , my thinking being that they were as feared of the Reeve as I . From that point we stole through the woods beyond the lane , the brothers on either side of me beckoning and pointing my way , and the girl ahead . I grew occupied with wondering our purpose , and with what should become of the game I stole , or my knife and bow . By and by we came into the bottom of the valley , where all was tough grass and pond water , where none lived but cotters and worse , souls who lived off the Lord 's land but depended upon the labor they could gain there for livelihood . We came in time to a clearing where there were two hovels , hardly wider through the middle than I could stretch my arms wide . An old woman sat at the doorway of one on a stool , and the brother with my pheasants gave them to her , and she smiled and began to pluck them straight away . The other brother called and an old man stepped out , and this I knew was the father , and the old woman of course was the mother . The girl fetched water from a pond , pulling me along beside her until we came to one where there was movement in the water , a branch of the stream that was further on . What anyone thought of her and I going off alone I knew not , for they made no move towards it , and I could not understand the words they used to speak of it , if they even did speak of it , for I could not know that either . When we came back with the water , the old woman had plucked the birds and a fire had been set and a clay pot sat resting in the fire . The girl beckoned me to pour the water into the pot , and it sizzled as it fell in . The girl stopped me from pouring all of it . As it grew full dark , and the fire died away , the brothers went to one hovel and the girl and I , and the father and mother , went to the other . All was dark inside , but the girl brought in a taper , lit by the fire , and showed me a place to sleep . It was upon a dry , greasy cloth , laid overtop straw and leaves and grass , against the wall . I crawled upon it and found it was restful , and turned to face the wall and sleep . The girl laid beside me , and the father and mother upon another cloth in arm 's reach of us . I found I could not keep my eyes closed , as the girl pressed her body against mine . The moon rose , and a thin light came through the doorway , and presently I could see the dry clay walls inside , with nothing to mark them . Then the girl began to fuss with me , pulling and moving me , impelling me to turn over , not letting me alone until I did . She pressed me until my back was to the wall , and her hands stole down the breeches to make her way . She arranged and nestled herself until she was beside me , and I in her , bedded like husband and wife . And over her shoulder I saw the eye of her mother in the moonlight , staring at me but making no sound or movement to stop these goings on . For a moment I saw the girl 's father lift himself and look , but he took no notice of it and soon he was snoring . I closed my eyes against the mother 's gaze , as the girl humped against me , but I knew the mother did not close her eye against me . I know she went on watching , until the girl 's keening wail broke the night , and I had finished my last grunt . We were not disturbed , not by anyone , and the night passed thereafter uneventfully . With the morning I rose , and climbed over the girl , my clothes tied up , and found the mother near the fire , making a tea with the water left from the night before . I approached her , to make a sign of some kind , and she stretched out her hand to me . I took her meaning at once , and found my pouch , and chose to give her four coins . She smiled , and pointed me to the door of the brothers ' hovel . There was my bow , newly strung , and my knife , oiled . My pheasants I did not miss . I nodded to the old woman , and collected them , and bowed to her . She wished me away with her hand . I have had a long career connected with writing for magazines , working in theatre and , in a small part , with film . I 've also worked a variety of blue collar and white collar jobs in order to have money to live . I have a personality that is intense , and I passionately believe in those things I say - that human beings should choose to live their lives according to their own interests and desires ; that they should not regret their pasts ; and that a change can be made by those willing to work for change .

Yesterday I hit the wall . Writing a story a day was no less taxing than I expected it would be , and I simply ran out of gas . I could not think of a single plot line that was worth tackling yesterday , and even now my brain still hurts . So that was the experiment for this year . I 'll rest a bit , get my brain back into working order and begin turning it to the next project . I hope some of you have enjoyed the work this month . The client , Abraham Jackson , stood behind the curtain and finished removing his clothes . He reached for the woollen breeches and pulled them on . They were loose and baggy and had no tie . . . but there was a string , also , and it had been explained how to tighten the breeches around his waist . " Where am I going , exactly ? " Abe asked . " That 's hard to pinpoint , " answered the vendor , Garrett . " You can be pretty sure that it 'll be somewhere between the thirteenth and the fifteenth centuries . And probably somewhere in Europe . It took me months to get the fibrillation that fine . I 'd hate to muck with it . " Some . But hey , it 's time travel . It has a certain appeal no matter what past you see . It 's a damn sight different from Gulfport . " " Well forget it . I made up my mind after looking over your equipment . There isn 't enough amperage to hurt me , and if nothing happens , I 'm not going to be surprised . And that check I gave you won 't clear . " Jerry was sitting quietly , his EMT tool box beside him , looking ready . Every time Garrett had a new client , Jerry did him the favor of being available . That didn 't include selling the clients however , and Jerry only grunted . " Yes . Please understand . . . about half my clients come back hurt in some way . Time doesn 't pass here while you 're in the past . So you can stay there as long as you like . Most people give it a week or so , and find they can 't get comfortable in the rustic surroundings , or they get a little freaked out with the culture . Those that try to stay longer quit the moment they get really sick , or they break an arm or something . That 's why Jerry is here . He 'll take care of you when you come back . " " Surely . I told you . . . time doesn 't pass here . You step in and the machine cycles you out and into the other time line . Then , when you want to come back , the machine cycles again and brings you back . From our perspective , you 're in , you 're out . The only thing that takes time is the machine cycling twice . " " We had one fellow come back at ninety - five years of age . How he survived that long , I can 't guess . He said he arrived just in time to learn Polish before getting a chance to sit down and talk to Copernicus . Then he spent years just building himself up to being an important doctor in a town called Konigsberg . Take my advice - if you try to stay , be a doctor . It 's an easy life , and if you stick to basic first aid you 'll build up a good reputation and when a patient goes sour on you most of the villagers will keep you from being lynched . " Garrett squared his shoulders and beamed . " Four months in Cadiz , Spain . I was too early to see Columbus or the Spanish Armada , but the sights were worth the trip . I had to come back , though - I was afraid I 'd caught syphilis . Turned out to be a false alarm , eh Jerry ? " " Don 't worry about it . You 've got shots for most of the serious ones . . . you could turn up during the Black Plague and you 'd be fine . Be a pretty nasty vacation , though . I 'd run for the hills just to stop yourself from having nightmares . If you 've got a strong stomach , though , you could make a killing as a doctor . . . end up living like a king . " " Sorry , nothing I can do about that . Time keeps passing for you . You 'll get older . Those are the breaks . You 'll see a world you 've never seen . . . and come back to find your kids are still alive . Don 't wait too long and the people at the office won 't be shocked to find your hair 's gone grey over the weekend . ' Course , you could come back and find you can 't go back to your old job . " " Well , one fellow went through and the machine didn 't cycle again . He had that same chip in his arm that you had . . . and I 've tried the GPS to locate it , but apparently the transmitter in it was destroyed over the centuries . It must have been something that killed him instantly , so he didn 't have time to activate it . " " No , don 't say anything else . It 's not important . Just so long as I have enough warning to squeeze my wrist very hard - " " Just move inside the box . Go ahead and lean on the sides , it won 't make any difference . The machine cycles everything inside , despatializing it and plopping it into the other time frame . " Garrett waved his hand . " Sorry , that 's not very scientific . It all particle physics and it isn 't easy to explain . Take my word for it . . . you and the air with you are going together at the same time . " " I 'm just going to close the box and the machine will start to cycle . You 'll hear an escape of air , and a quiet whirring , and then there 's going to be a hell of a flash . Don 't worry about closing your eyes . . . the flash is your brain cells interpreting the new data . It isn 't coming through your vision . Ready ? " Garrett grinned , and gave a sharp , approving nod of his head . He moved to a console and activated the machine . The door closed , and for twenty seconds it cycled . Getting up from the ice was not Norman 's best thing . He tucked his legs under him and failed on his first try . . . he fancied he could hear his father shouting at him to get up , from the board way across the rink , but that was probably just Norman knowing his father would be yelling . A blur of skaters went past him , on their way back to the other side 's net , and Norman finally climbed to his feet - just in time to get blindsided from the back , and dumped on the ice again . It was the same player . Norman saw the blue helmet with yellow flecks . He didn 't know the other player , or any of the other team . They were in Thornecliffe , playing at an outside rink , and Norman 's team was losing . Norman got to his feet and got back to his place on the blue line . He was a defenseman . He knew what that meant . He was a no talent loser . The talent played on the forward line . His father told him different . His father had been telling him different for six years , and now that Norman was twelve he was past telling . For awhile there , when he was nine , he nearly bought into it . And maybe , when it came to real hockey , being a defenseman did mean something . But in the league , Norman knew it was where they put you because they had to put you somewhere . The puck came to him and he whipped it across the ice in the direction of the left wing . He didn 't try to play the puck . . . that would have been a disaster . It would have just gotten taken away from him . He was done trying that game . Now the coach was yelling at him and that was fine . The coach was always mad . His parents were always mad . Norman hated hockey and there was no way out of it , at least not for another season and a half . He was bigger than most of the others , and that worked against him . Everyone said that if he could improve his stick handling and his skating and his balance and his shooting , he 'd go far . They had been trying to make him go far for a long , long time . Norman didn 't want to go far . The puck came again and Norman tried to back up to get it . He got his stick on it , and it slid down the board into the corner . Skating as best he could , he went for the corner , and sensed - or heard - someone coming up behind him . A moment after he touched the puck , he felt himself slammed off it and into the boards . His helmet hit hard and for a moment he saw stars . Then he was on the ice , sliding on the boards , rolling onto his back . He got on his feet and started back across the ice . He knew he 'd been boarded . Again , the penalty hadn 't been called . It was never called . Norman had been feeling dull and uncaring , but now he had a mission . He didn 't care about the puck , or the ice . He was mad , now . He began picking up his feet more , following the pack , but not for the puck . He wanted to catch the player with the blue and yellow helmet in just the right place . It took awhile . Norman ground his teeth together and skated in wide circles , waiting for his chance . The puck came past him and Norman fought to play it in the direction of his enemy . He didn 't care if he lost the puck now , so long as the puck got him right where Norman wanted to be . When the chance came it was so perfect he couldn 't have hoped for a better set - up . Norman played the puck towards the right side boards , just past the red line , and blue - and - yellow went right for it . Then the right winger , Tony , came face to face with him and together they crossed sticks to get the puck . Norman didn 't care . All he could see was blue - and - yellow framed against the white boards . Without hesitation , Norman dug his feet in , pushed with all he had and skated straight at his enemy . Norman tucked , and hit his target low , dead in the shoulders , crushing the player against the boards . The sharp , sickening impact was like music to Norman 's ears . He kept his feet . He turned around , and skated away . No one was yelling at him . No one was making any sound . The kid wasn 't getting up off the ice . He started for the way off and passed a couple of the players on his own team . They weren 't angry , just confused . None of them were Norman 's friends . They were just other kids who were always disappointed that Norman couldn 't play better . His father was there when Norman came off the ice . He wasn 't mad , either . He looked scared . Norman couldn 't see why . He looked back , and saw they were carrying the kid off the ice now . Things got hard after that . Norman was pulled aside and into the community centre , where his mother watched over him . There was no friendly moment where his mother bought him a drink or something to chew on . She just watched him , like he was a bug . Norman was used to it . He knew his father was talking to the coach . It was a long conversation . Norman began to think about taking off his skates . He knew he had to wait until he was told to . His father came in and walked to Norman 's mother as though he was carrying two big suitcases . " The other boy has a concussion , " Norman 's father said , directly to Norman 's mother , as though Norman wasn 't there . " He lost two teeth . They don 't think it 's anything really serious . I talked to the boy 's father and thankfully there isn 't going to be any action . I asked if there was anything we could do and he said no . But he said he would call us if he learned anything else . " " As far as Norman goes - " . . . and here Norman 's father at last acknowledged Norman 's existence with a look ; " - he 's off the team . The coach doesn 't want anything more to do with him . So that 's it . A thousand bucks of hockey equipment down the fucking drain . " They told Norman to undo his skates and they collected everything to take it out to the car . Norman kept his head down , to hide his smile , that he couldn 't quite get under control . They weren 't watching him , and they didn 't see . They were talking about how they could see the equipment somehow . Norman wasn 't listening . He was wondering what it would be like to have a Saturday that didn 't have a game he had to play , and didn 't have a practice he had to go to . The building had no elevator . It was five stories and the movers had maneuvered the sofa - bed up four of them . The stairs were narrow and inconsistent from floor to floor , so that as they made their way around each turn , it took figuring and a lot of shoving to make the piece of furniture go . " God help the poor bastards who have to take this out again , " said Brett as they passed the third floor . Later on , his comments towards the sofa - bed were less considerate . Mark took the nature of his partner in stride . Brett was 52 , thirty - one years older than Mark , and a little bit frightening at times . Brett was massive , quick to anger , indifferent to pain - both his own and Mark 's - and often impatient . What he did not have was endless energy , and that was where Mark beat him hands down . But because of it Mark had to do most of the leg work around the Furniture store 's warehouse . Brett did all the driving . They spent most of their days in the truck , delivering or picking up , but they didn 't talk much . They didn 't listen to the radio much . Mark could start a conversation and Brett didn 't seem to mind , but their talking never seemed to go on very long . Now they were making the last turn to bring it onto the fifth floor . The stairs made a tight bow around a bit of plastered wall . Brett was below , holding most of the weight on his shoulders , and Mark was squeaking the sofa - bed between the stair 's railing and the wall . Then suddenly Mark heard a grunt , and then a great wheeze , and the sofa - bed fell out of Mark 's hands . There was all of fourteen inches between Brett 's legs , the sofa - bed and the wall . Mark bent forward , let himself fall into the hole , and caught himself on his arms without touching Brett 's legs . From there it was easy to snake the rest of the way through . Brett was covered in sweat . His face was brick - red . " I think its . . . a heart - attack , " said Brett . " I felt my arm just before . . . " He caught his breath . " Call , " he managed . " Brett tried to stop him , but he couldn 't shout . Helplessly , he listened to Mark run and jump down the stairs , until finally going out the inside front door , then the outside front door . Brett heard them close , one at a time . He laid as still as he could , wishing he could get the sofa - bed off him , not daring to do it himself . He didn 't want anyone else , either , not unless they could both pick it up together . A long time passed . Brett chastized himself for getting into this trouble . He was mad at himself for being as old as he was . Distantly , he heard an apartment buzzer ringing insistently . Mark had realized by now that the truck was locked , and that he couldn 't get back in the building . Brett heard Mark yelling . Then the downstairs door opened , and Mark started running up the stairs . Neither spoke . A minute passed and the woman came again to the top of the stairs . " They 're on their way , " she said . " How are you ? " " He 's in a bad way , " answered Mark . " Find someone up there who can help me get this sofa off him ! " Brett grinned . " Stop worryin ' , I said . I can 't feel my left arm at all , and my right one 's just about dead . So am I , I think . " Mark blinked , and began to cry . It was shock , really . . . he didn 't sob or break down . He didn 't take his eyes off Brett 's face , either . He 'd never seen Brett look the way he did . " Don 't worry about it , " answered Mark . Then he started , remembering it was what Brett had told him . Mark moved back , walking down the steps until he came to stand next to the fourth floor door . And there he waited . He thought about deciding not to go to university the autumn before . He thought about not starting the band with Fred and Roddy . He thought about ending it with Olivia , four months ago . Her mouth made a big round ' O ' when he told her he 'd never been fishing , and she insisted that that weekend they strike out . She arranged for a fishing rod for him , she bought him a sleeping bag , and Saturday morning , early , they packed up . They hiked up to the back - end of Boom Lake and picked a spot amid the trees , and set out their tent and their gear . She laid a huge blanket on the ground under the sky , and spread open their sleeping bags on top of it , and as the warmest part of the day passed , they christened the campsite with great sex . They laid together naked in the woods , him on his back , her nestled in his shoulder . " So this is fishing , huh ? " he asked . " Oh , I 've been thinking about that . " He made an arc in the air with his hand . " First thing , your parents get killed in a car accident . " " See ? We 're already in the future . You 're parents will probably be dead by the time we get back home tomorrow night . Can I go on ? " " As I was saying , you practice . . . a LOT . All the time . I start to miss you , and we don 't have any children . " " Shut - up . You get really good at the clarinet and people start to take notice . You get a gig with an orchestra , and you start getting drunk with the girl violinists and half the time you 're doubling down in Vegas . " " So I decide I 've got to have you back . I start stalking the tour you 're on , going from city to city and selling drugs to enable me to overcome the staggering ticket prices . You don 't even remember I exist anymore . . . " " Exactly , " he said . " And you shoot me dead with it . And at that moment you realize I 'm the perfect man for you , and we live together happily ever after . " " Wait ! " he said . " I 've had another vision of the future . You go fishing , and make the beds in the tent and fall asleep . " Mary sat at the lab bench , her feet wrapped around her stool , surrounded by her brothers and her husband , all three leaning over her . They were afraid to speak to her . They were afraid to interrupt her . Mary peered in the microscope and at long last she finally said , " Uh huh . " " It was a genetic problem from the start , " said Mary . " It doesn 't happen over night . And the first five years were wasted from not understanding enough about the subject . We learned from that , however . " She ran her eyes over the glass apparatus , the books of notes , the burn marks on the wooden table . . . signs of years and years of effort and research and disappointment . Step by step and year by year they had built the source , and sometimes at great cost . Three times they 'd come close to losing everything . But here it was now . Mary reached out and picked the full cubical bottle from the table . The tea - brown liquid flowed and rolled within , catching the light , glistening in it as no comparable formula had . It was the light and the way it shone through the bottle that was sure to make them millions . A hundred and fifty a bottle here in North America . Possibly twice that in Europe or Japan . We 'll have to contact our overseas distributor once he sees the result . He might suggest a higher sum , depending on market analysis . " Boys , we have something that can 't be equalled - unless someone else is working on this right now , and I think we 're all sure they 're not . This is ground breaking . It 'll be at least a decade before someone copies it , and by they we 'll have sewn the market . " Mary grinned . " Just selling the process alone would be enough - they 'll scream blue murder in America once the supply starts . " " We could cut in some of the interest groups , " said Tom . " We have pretty hefty debts we could stand to take care of right now . Maybe Vermont would pay . " Mary stood up , and took the bottle from Alfred . " To hell with Vermont . " She held the bottle up to the light , again enjoying the way it changed the liquid 's color . I had got a brace of pheasant in the Lord 's wood , and thought to be working my way out the way I come in when I ran across a ploughed field , and along the field a wood fence . I spied around me but saw no Hayward , and counting myself lucky I headed along the fence in quest of the lane I knew to be west of where I was . The sun was setting and I knew the way . The young girl was sitting upon a stile , watching me come on , seeing me before I saw her . Her hips were swathed in a rag , and the shirt she wore was tied around her waist with a dirty sash . She was none too clean herself , but not being a man keen to ablutions either , that made little difference to me . I wondered at her intent , and would have asked her , but that her intent was made clear as she climbed down off the stile and came towards me , her eyes never leaving mine . I dropped my pheasants near a post , and leaned my bow , and together we laid down in the wheat that had grown wild next to the field , and knew each other better . I know not what happened when I woke , to find myself whole , and the girl still beside me . Now there were two men , who looked alike to each other that I knew them brothers . My first thought was that my poaching had been discovered , but this was not their look . They rode no horse , or showed any sign of heraldry , but one had my pheasants and one had my bow . The one with my bow had gotten my knife , too , for I could see it clearly in his belt . The one with my bow spoke to the girl in an unfamiliar tongue , and the girl answered likewise , and I got from her way and from the man 's way that they were acquainted . I grasped my waist and found my pouch still there , and seeming all the coin that was in it , ten pieces in all . The man did not seem interested in my coin , and was not angry , nor was his brother when he said a word or two , but it was made clear to me that I should stand up and that I should walk with them . When we come to the lane , that being the way into the Lord 's fiefdom , down the glen and to the little hamlet with its mill and villiens , the girl and the brothers grew quiet and fearful . We crossed it quickly , my thinking being that they were as feared of the Reeve as I . From that point we stole through the woods beyond the lane , the brothers on either side of me beckoning and pointing my way , and the girl ahead . I grew occupied with wondering our purpose , and with what should become of the game I stole , or my knife and bow . By and by we came into the bottom of the valley , where all was tough grass and pond water , where none lived but cotters and worse , souls who lived off the Lord 's land but depended upon the labor they could gain there for livelihood . We came in time to a clearing where there were two hovels , hardly wider through the middle than I could stretch my arms wide . An old woman sat at the doorway of one on a stool , and the brother with my pheasants gave them to her , and she smiled and began to pluck them straight away . The other brother called and an old man stepped out , and this I knew was the father , and the old woman of course was the mother . The girl fetched water from a pond , pulling me along beside her until we came to one where there was movement in the water , a branch of the stream that was further on . What anyone thought of her and I going off alone I knew not , for they made no move towards it , and I could not understand the words they used to speak of it , if they even did speak of it , for I could not know that either . When we came back with the water , the old woman had plucked the birds and a fire had been set and a clay pot sat resting in the fire . The girl beckoned me to pour the water into the pot , and it sizzled as it fell in . The girl stopped me from pouring all of it . As it grew full dark , and the fire died away , the brothers went to one hovel and the girl and I , and the father and mother , went to the other . All was dark inside , but the girl brought in a taper , lit by the fire , and showed me a place to sleep . It was upon a dry , greasy cloth , laid overtop straw and leaves and grass , against the wall . I crawled upon it and found it was restful , and turned to face the wall and sleep . The girl laid beside me , and the father and mother upon another cloth in arm 's reach of us . I found I could not keep my eyes closed , as the girl pressed her body against mine . The moon rose , and a thin light came through the doorway , and presently I could see the dry clay walls inside , with nothing to mark them . Then the girl began to fuss with me , pulling and moving me , impelling me to turn over , not letting me alone until I did . She pressed me until my back was to the wall , and her hands stole down the breeches to make her way . She arranged and nestled herself until she was beside me , and I in her , bedded like husband and wife . And over her shoulder I saw the eye of her mother in the moonlight , staring at me but making no sound or movement to stop these goings on . For a moment I saw the girl 's father lift himself and look , but he took no notice of it and soon he was snoring . I closed my eyes against the mother 's gaze , as the girl humped against me , but I knew the mother did not close her eye against me . I know she went on watching , until the girl 's keening wail broke the night , and I had finished my last grunt . We were not disturbed , not by anyone , and the night passed thereafter uneventfully . With the morning I rose , and climbed over the girl , my clothes tied up , and found the mother near the fire , making a tea with the water left from the night before . I approached her , to make a sign of some kind , and she stretched out her hand to me . I took her meaning at once , and found my pouch , and chose to give her four coins . She smiled , and pointed me to the door of the brothers ' hovel . There was my bow , newly strung , and my knife , oiled . My pheasants I did not miss . I nodded to the old woman , and collected them , and bowed to her . She wished me away with her hand . I have had a long career connected with writing for magazines , working in theatre and , in a small part , with film . I 've also worked a variety of blue collar and white collar jobs in order to have money to live . I have a personality that is intense , and I passionately believe in those things I say - that human beings should choose to live their lives according to their own interests and desires ; that they should not regret their pasts ; and that a change can be made by those willing to work for change .

Yesterday I hit the wall . Writing a story a day was no less taxing than I expected it would be , and I simply ran out of gas . I could not think of a single plot line that was worth tackling yesterday , and even now my brain still hurts . So that was the experiment for this year . I 'll rest a bit , get my brain back into working order and begin turning it to the next project . I hope some of you have enjoyed the work this month . The client , Abraham Jackson , stood behind the curtain and finished removing his clothes . He reached for the woollen breeches and pulled them on . They were loose and baggy and had no tie . . . but there was a string , also , and it had been explained how to tighten the breeches around his waist . " Where am I going , exactly ? " Abe asked . " That 's hard to pinpoint , " answered the vendor , Garrett . " You can be pretty sure that it 'll be somewhere between the thirteenth and the fifteenth centuries . And probably somewhere in Europe . It took me months to get the fibrillation that fine . I 'd hate to muck with it . " Some . But hey , it 's time travel . It has a certain appeal no matter what past you see . It 's a damn sight different from Gulfport . " " Well forget it . I made up my mind after looking over your equipment . There isn 't enough amperage to hurt me , and if nothing happens , I 'm not going to be surprised . And that check I gave you won 't clear . " Jerry was sitting quietly , his EMT tool box beside him , looking ready . Every time Garrett had a new client , Jerry did him the favor of being available . That didn 't include selling the clients however , and Jerry only grunted . " Yes . Please understand . . . about half my clients come back hurt in some way . Time doesn 't pass here while you 're in the past . So you can stay there as long as you like . Most people give it a week or so , and find they can 't get comfortable in the rustic surroundings , or they get a little freaked out with the culture . Those that try to stay longer quit the moment they get really sick , or they break an arm or something . That 's why Jerry is here . He 'll take care of you when you come back . " " Surely . I told you . . . time doesn 't pass here . You step in and the machine cycles you out and into the other time line . Then , when you want to come back , the machine cycles again and brings you back . From our perspective , you 're in , you 're out . The only thing that takes time is the machine cycling twice . " " We had one fellow come back at ninety - five years of age . How he survived that long , I can 't guess . He said he arrived just in time to learn Polish before getting a chance to sit down and talk to Copernicus . Then he spent years just building himself up to being an important doctor in a town called Konigsberg . Take my advice - if you try to stay , be a doctor . It 's an easy life , and if you stick to basic first aid you 'll build up a good reputation and when a patient goes sour on you most of the villagers will keep you from being lynched . " Garrett squared his shoulders and beamed . " Four months in Cadiz , Spain . I was too early to see Columbus or the Spanish Armada , but the sights were worth the trip . I had to come back , though - I was afraid I 'd caught syphilis . Turned out to be a false alarm , eh Jerry ? " " Don 't worry about it . You 've got shots for most of the serious ones . . . you could turn up during the Black Plague and you 'd be fine . Be a pretty nasty vacation , though . I 'd run for the hills just to stop yourself from having nightmares . If you 've got a strong stomach , though , you could make a killing as a doctor . . . end up living like a king . " " Sorry , nothing I can do about that . Time keeps passing for you . You 'll get older . Those are the breaks . You 'll see a world you 've never seen . . . and come back to find your kids are still alive . Don 't wait too long and the people at the office won 't be shocked to find your hair 's gone grey over the weekend . ' Course , you could come back and find you can 't go back to your old job . " " Well , one fellow went through and the machine didn 't cycle again . He had that same chip in his arm that you had . . . and I 've tried the GPS to locate it , but apparently the transmitter in it was destroyed over the centuries . It must have been something that killed him instantly , so he didn 't have time to activate it . " " No , don 't say anything else . It 's not important . Just so long as I have enough warning to squeeze my wrist very hard - " " Just move inside the box . Go ahead and lean on the sides , it won 't make any difference . The machine cycles everything inside , despatializing it and plopping it into the other time frame . " Garrett waved his hand . " Sorry , that 's not very scientific . It all particle physics and it isn 't easy to explain . Take my word for it . . . you and the air with you are going together at the same time . " " I 'm just going to close the box and the machine will start to cycle . You 'll hear an escape of air , and a quiet whirring , and then there 's going to be a hell of a flash . Don 't worry about closing your eyes . . . the flash is your brain cells interpreting the new data . It isn 't coming through your vision . Ready ? " Garrett grinned , and gave a sharp , approving nod of his head . He moved to a console and activated the machine . The door closed , and for twenty seconds it cycled . Getting up from the ice was not Norman 's best thing . He tucked his legs under him and failed on his first try . . . he fancied he could hear his father shouting at him to get up , from the board way across the rink , but that was probably just Norman knowing his father would be yelling . A blur of skaters went past him , on their way back to the other side 's net , and Norman finally climbed to his feet - just in time to get blindsided from the back , and dumped on the ice again . It was the same player . Norman saw the blue helmet with yellow flecks . He didn 't know the other player , or any of the other team . They were in Thornecliffe , playing at an outside rink , and Norman 's team was losing . Norman got to his feet and got back to his place on the blue line . He was a defenseman . He knew what that meant . He was a no talent loser . The talent played on the forward line . His father told him different . His father had been telling him different for six years , and now that Norman was twelve he was past telling . For awhile there , when he was nine , he nearly bought into it . And maybe , when it came to real hockey , being a defenseman did mean something . But in the league , Norman knew it was where they put you because they had to put you somewhere . The puck came to him and he whipped it across the ice in the direction of the left wing . He didn 't try to play the puck . . . that would have been a disaster . It would have just gotten taken away from him . He was done trying that game . Now the coach was yelling at him and that was fine . The coach was always mad . His parents were always mad . Norman hated hockey and there was no way out of it , at least not for another season and a half . He was bigger than most of the others , and that worked against him . Everyone said that if he could improve his stick handling and his skating and his balance and his shooting , he 'd go far . They had been trying to make him go far for a long , long time . Norman didn 't want to go far . The puck came again and Norman tried to back up to get it . He got his stick on it , and it slid down the board into the corner . Skating as best he could , he went for the corner , and sensed - or heard - someone coming up behind him . A moment after he touched the puck , he felt himself slammed off it and into the boards . His helmet hit hard and for a moment he saw stars . Then he was on the ice , sliding on the boards , rolling onto his back . He got on his feet and started back across the ice . He knew he 'd been boarded . Again , the penalty hadn 't been called . It was never called . Norman had been feeling dull and uncaring , but now he had a mission . He didn 't care about the puck , or the ice . He was mad , now . He began picking up his feet more , following the pack , but not for the puck . He wanted to catch the player with the blue and yellow helmet in just the right place . It took awhile . Norman ground his teeth together and skated in wide circles , waiting for his chance . The puck came past him and Norman fought to play it in the direction of his enemy . He didn 't care if he lost the puck now , so long as the puck got him right where Norman wanted to be . When the chance came it was so perfect he couldn 't have hoped for a better set - up . Norman played the puck towards the right side boards , just past the red line , and blue - and - yellow went right for it . Then the right winger , Tony , came face to face with him and together they crossed sticks to get the puck . Norman didn 't care . All he could see was blue - and - yellow framed against the white boards . Without hesitation , Norman dug his feet in , pushed with all he had and skated straight at his enemy . Norman tucked , and hit his target low , dead in the shoulders , crushing the player against the boards . The sharp , sickening impact was like music to Norman 's ears . He kept his feet . He turned around , and skated away . No one was yelling at him . No one was making any sound . The kid wasn 't getting up off the ice . He started for the way off and passed a couple of the players on his own team . They weren 't angry , just confused . None of them were Norman 's friends . They were just other kids who were always disappointed that Norman couldn 't play better . His father was there when Norman came off the ice . He wasn 't mad , either . He looked scared . Norman couldn 't see why . He looked back , and saw they were carrying the kid off the ice now . Things got hard after that . Norman was pulled aside and into the community centre , where his mother watched over him . There was no friendly moment where his mother bought him a drink or something to chew on . She just watched him , like he was a bug . Norman was used to it . He knew his father was talking to the coach . It was a long conversation . Norman began to think about taking off his skates . He knew he had to wait until he was told to . His father came in and walked to Norman 's mother as though he was carrying two big suitcases . " The other boy has a concussion , " Norman 's father said , directly to Norman 's mother , as though Norman wasn 't there . " He lost two teeth . They don 't think it 's anything really serious . I talked to the boy 's father and thankfully there isn 't going to be any action . I asked if there was anything we could do and he said no . But he said he would call us if he learned anything else . " " As far as Norman goes - " . . . and here Norman 's father at last acknowledged Norman 's existence with a look ; " - he 's off the team . The coach doesn 't want anything more to do with him . So that 's it . A thousand bucks of hockey equipment down the fucking drain . " They told Norman to undo his skates and they collected everything to take it out to the car . Norman kept his head down , to hide his smile , that he couldn 't quite get under control . They weren 't watching him , and they didn 't see . They were talking about how they could see the equipment somehow . Norman wasn 't listening . He was wondering what it would be like to have a Saturday that didn 't have a game he had to play , and didn 't have a practice he had to go to . The building had no elevator . It was five stories and the movers had maneuvered the sofa - bed up four of them . The stairs were narrow and inconsistent from floor to floor , so that as they made their way around each turn , it took figuring and a lot of shoving to make the piece of furniture go . " God help the poor bastards who have to take this out again , " said Brett as they passed the third floor . Later on , his comments towards the sofa - bed were less considerate . Mark took the nature of his partner in stride . Brett was 52 , thirty - one years older than Mark , and a little bit frightening at times . Brett was massive , quick to anger , indifferent to pain - both his own and Mark 's - and often impatient . What he did not have was endless energy , and that was where Mark beat him hands down . But because of it Mark had to do most of the leg work around the Furniture store 's warehouse . Brett did all the driving . They spent most of their days in the truck , delivering or picking up , but they didn 't talk much . They didn 't listen to the radio much . Mark could start a conversation and Brett didn 't seem to mind , but their talking never seemed to go on very long . Now they were making the last turn to bring it onto the fifth floor . The stairs made a tight bow around a bit of plastered wall . Brett was below , holding most of the weight on his shoulders , and Mark was squeaking the sofa - bed between the stair 's railing and the wall . Then suddenly Mark heard a grunt , and then a great wheeze , and the sofa - bed fell out of Mark 's hands . There was all of fourteen inches between Brett 's legs , the sofa - bed and the wall . Mark bent forward , let himself fall into the hole , and caught himself on his arms without touching Brett 's legs . From there it was easy to snake the rest of the way through . Brett was covered in sweat . His face was brick - red . " I think its . . . a heart - attack , " said Brett . " I felt my arm just before . . . " He caught his breath . " Call , " he managed . " Brett tried to stop him , but he couldn 't shout . Helplessly , he listened to Mark run and jump down the stairs , until finally going out the inside front door , then the outside front door . Brett heard them close , one at a time . He laid as still as he could , wishing he could get the sofa - bed off him , not daring to do it himself . He didn 't want anyone else , either , not unless they could both pick it up together . A long time passed . Brett chastized himself for getting into this trouble . He was mad at himself for being as old as he was . Distantly , he heard an apartment buzzer ringing insistently . Mark had realized by now that the truck was locked , and that he couldn 't get back in the building . Brett heard Mark yelling . Then the downstairs door opened , and Mark started running up the stairs . Neither spoke . A minute passed and the woman came again to the top of the stairs . " They 're on their way , " she said . " How are you ? " " He 's in a bad way , " answered Mark . " Find someone up there who can help me get this sofa off him ! " Brett grinned . " Stop worryin ' , I said . I can 't feel my left arm at all , and my right one 's just about dead . So am I , I think . " Mark blinked , and began to cry . It was shock , really . . . he didn 't sob or break down . He didn 't take his eyes off Brett 's face , either . He 'd never seen Brett look the way he did . " Don 't worry about it , " answered Mark . Then he started , remembering it was what Brett had told him . Mark moved back , walking down the steps until he came to stand next to the fourth floor door . And there he waited . He thought about deciding not to go to university the autumn before . He thought about not starting the band with Fred and Roddy . He thought about ending it with Olivia , four months ago . Her mouth made a big round ' O ' when he told her he 'd never been fishing , and she insisted that that weekend they strike out . She arranged for a fishing rod for him , she bought him a sleeping bag , and Saturday morning , early , they packed up . They hiked up to the back - end of Boom Lake and picked a spot amid the trees , and set out their tent and their gear . She laid a huge blanket on the ground under the sky , and spread open their sleeping bags on top of it , and as the warmest part of the day passed , they christened the campsite with great sex . They laid together naked in the woods , him on his back , her nestled in his shoulder . " So this is fishing , huh ? " he asked . " Oh , I 've been thinking about that . " He made an arc in the air with his hand . " First thing , your parents get killed in a car accident . " " See ? We 're already in the future . You 're parents will probably be dead by the time we get back home tomorrow night . Can I go on ? " " As I was saying , you practice . . . a LOT . All the time . I start to miss you , and we don 't have any children . " " Shut - up . You get really good at the clarinet and people start to take notice . You get a gig with an orchestra , and you start getting drunk with the girl violinists and half the time you 're doubling down in Vegas . " " So I decide I 've got to have you back . I start stalking the tour you 're on , going from city to city and selling drugs to enable me to overcome the staggering ticket prices . You don 't even remember I exist anymore . . . " " Exactly , " he said . " And you shoot me dead with it . And at that moment you realize I 'm the perfect man for you , and we live together happily ever after . " " Wait ! " he said . " I 've had another vision of the future . You go fishing , and make the beds in the tent and fall asleep . " Mary sat at the lab bench , her feet wrapped around her stool , surrounded by her brothers and her husband , all three leaning over her . They were afraid to speak to her . They were afraid to interrupt her . Mary peered in the microscope and at long last she finally said , " Uh huh . " " It was a genetic problem from the start , " said Mary . " It doesn 't happen over night . And the first five years were wasted from not understanding enough about the subject . We learned from that , however . " She ran her eyes over the glass apparatus , the books of notes , the burn marks on the wooden table . . . signs of years and years of effort and research and disappointment . Step by step and year by year they had built the source , and sometimes at great cost . Three times they 'd come close to losing everything . But here it was now . Mary reached out and picked the full cubical bottle from the table . The tea - brown liquid flowed and rolled within , catching the light , glistening in it as no comparable formula had . It was the light and the way it shone through the bottle that was sure to make them millions . A hundred and fifty a bottle here in North America . Possibly twice that in Europe or Japan . We 'll have to contact our overseas distributor once he sees the result . He might suggest a higher sum , depending on market analysis . " Boys , we have something that can 't be equalled - unless someone else is working on this right now , and I think we 're all sure they 're not . This is ground breaking . It 'll be at least a decade before someone copies it , and by they we 'll have sewn the market . " Mary grinned . " Just selling the process alone would be enough - they 'll scream blue murder in America once the supply starts . " " We could cut in some of the interest groups , " said Tom . " We have pretty hefty debts we could stand to take care of right now . Maybe Vermont would pay . " Mary stood up , and took the bottle from Alfred . " To hell with Vermont . " She held the bottle up to the light , again enjoying the way it changed the liquid 's color . I had got a brace of pheasant in the Lord 's wood , and thought to be working my way out the way I come in when I ran across a ploughed field , and along the field a wood fence . I spied around me but saw no Hayward , and counting myself lucky I headed along the fence in quest of the lane I knew to be west of where I was . The sun was setting and I knew the way . The young girl was sitting upon a stile , watching me come on , seeing me before I saw her . Her hips were swathed in a rag , and the shirt she wore was tied around her waist with a dirty sash . She was none too clean herself , but not being a man keen to ablutions either , that made little difference to me . I wondered at her intent , and would have asked her , but that her intent was made clear as she climbed down off the stile and came towards me , her eyes never leaving mine . I dropped my pheasants near a post , and leaned my bow , and together we laid down in the wheat that had grown wild next to the field , and knew each other better . I know not what happened when I woke , to find myself whole , and the girl still beside me . Now there were two men , who looked alike to each other that I knew them brothers . My first thought was that my poaching had been discovered , but this was not their look . They rode no horse , or showed any sign of heraldry , but one had my pheasants and one had my bow . The one with my bow had gotten my knife , too , for I could see it clearly in his belt . The one with my bow spoke to the girl in an unfamiliar tongue , and the girl answered likewise , and I got from her way and from the man 's way that they were acquainted . I grasped my waist and found my pouch still there , and seeming all the coin that was in it , ten pieces in all . The man did not seem interested in my coin , and was not angry , nor was his brother when he said a word or two , but it was made clear to me that I should stand up and that I should walk with them . When we come to the lane , that being the way into the Lord 's fiefdom , down the glen and to the little hamlet with its mill and villiens , the girl and the brothers grew quiet and fearful . We crossed it quickly , my thinking being that they were as feared of the Reeve as I . From that point we stole through the woods beyond the lane , the brothers on either side of me beckoning and pointing my way , and the girl ahead . I grew occupied with wondering our purpose , and with what should become of the game I stole , or my knife and bow . By and by we came into the bottom of the valley , where all was tough grass and pond water , where none lived but cotters and worse , souls who lived off the Lord 's land but depended upon the labor they could gain there for livelihood . We came in time to a clearing where there were two hovels , hardly wider through the middle than I could stretch my arms wide . An old woman sat at the doorway of one on a stool , and the brother with my pheasants gave them to her , and she smiled and began to pluck them straight away . The other brother called and an old man stepped out , and this I knew was the father , and the old woman of course was the mother . The girl fetched water from a pond , pulling me along beside her until we came to one where there was movement in the water , a branch of the stream that was further on . What anyone thought of her and I going off alone I knew not , for they made no move towards it , and I could not understand the words they used to speak of it , if they even did speak of it , for I could not know that either . When we came back with the water , the old woman had plucked the birds and a fire had been set and a clay pot sat resting in the fire . The girl beckoned me to pour the water into the pot , and it sizzled as it fell in . The girl stopped me from pouring all of it . As it grew full dark , and the fire died away , the brothers went to one hovel and the girl and I , and the father and mother , went to the other . All was dark inside , but the girl brought in a taper , lit by the fire , and showed me a place to sleep . It was upon a dry , greasy cloth , laid overtop straw and leaves and grass , against the wall . I crawled upon it and found it was restful , and turned to face the wall and sleep . The girl laid beside me , and the father and mother upon another cloth in arm 's reach of us . I found I could not keep my eyes closed , as the girl pressed her body against mine . The moon rose , and a thin light came through the doorway , and presently I could see the dry clay walls inside , with nothing to mark them . Then the girl began to fuss with me , pulling and moving me , impelling me to turn over , not letting me alone until I did . She pressed me until my back was to the wall , and her hands stole down the breeches to make her way . She arranged and nestled herself until she was beside me , and I in her , bedded like husband and wife . And over her shoulder I saw the eye of her mother in the moonlight , staring at me but making no sound or movement to stop these goings on . For a moment I saw the girl 's father lift himself and look , but he took no notice of it and soon he was snoring . I closed my eyes against the mother 's gaze , as the girl humped against me , but I knew the mother did not close her eye against me . I know she went on watching , until the girl 's keening wail broke the night , and I had finished my last grunt . We were not disturbed , not by anyone , and the night passed thereafter uneventfully . With the morning I rose , and climbed over the girl , my clothes tied up , and found the mother near the fire , making a tea with the water left from the night before . I approached her , to make a sign of some kind , and she stretched out her hand to me . I took her meaning at once , and found my pouch , and chose to give her four coins . She smiled , and pointed me to the door of the brothers ' hovel . There was my bow , newly strung , and my knife , oiled . My pheasants I did not miss . I nodded to the old woman , and collected them , and bowed to her . She wished me away with her hand . I have had a long career connected with writing for magazines , working in theatre and , in a small part , with film . I 've also worked a variety of blue collar and white collar jobs in order to have money to live . I have a personality that is intense , and I passionately believe in those things I say - that human beings should choose to live their lives according to their own interests and desires ; that they should not regret their pasts ; and that a change can be made by those willing to work for change .

Yesterday I hit the wall . Writing a story a day was no less taxing than I expected it would be , and I simply ran out of gas . I could not think of a single plot line that was worth tackling yesterday , and even now my brain still hurts . So that was the experiment for this year . I 'll rest a bit , get my brain back into working order and begin turning it to the next project . I hope some of you have enjoyed the work this month . The client , Abraham Jackson , stood behind the curtain and finished removing his clothes . He reached for the woollen breeches and pulled them on . They were loose and baggy and had no tie . . . but there was a string , also , and it had been explained how to tighten the breeches around his waist . " Where am I going , exactly ? " Abe asked . " That 's hard to pinpoint , " answered the vendor , Garrett . " You can be pretty sure that it 'll be somewhere between the thirteenth and the fifteenth centuries . And probably somewhere in Europe . It took me months to get the fibrillation that fine . I 'd hate to muck with it . " Some . But hey , it 's time travel . It has a certain appeal no matter what past you see . It 's a damn sight different from Gulfport . " " Well forget it . I made up my mind after looking over your equipment . There isn 't enough amperage to hurt me , and if nothing happens , I 'm not going to be surprised . And that check I gave you won 't clear . " Jerry was sitting quietly , his EMT tool box beside him , looking ready . Every time Garrett had a new client , Jerry did him the favor of being available . That didn 't include selling the clients however , and Jerry only grunted . " Yes . Please understand . . . about half my clients come back hurt in some way . Time doesn 't pass here while you 're in the past . So you can stay there as long as you like . Most people give it a week or so , and find they can 't get comfortable in the rustic surroundings , or they get a little freaked out with the culture . Those that try to stay longer quit the moment they get really sick , or they break an arm or something . That 's why Jerry is here . He 'll take care of you when you come back . " " Surely . I told you . . . time doesn 't pass here . You step in and the machine cycles you out and into the other time line . Then , when you want to come back , the machine cycles again and brings you back . From our perspective , you 're in , you 're out . The only thing that takes time is the machine cycling twice . " " We had one fellow come back at ninety - five years of age . How he survived that long , I can 't guess . He said he arrived just in time to learn Polish before getting a chance to sit down and talk to Copernicus . Then he spent years just building himself up to being an important doctor in a town called Konigsberg . Take my advice - if you try to stay , be a doctor . It 's an easy life , and if you stick to basic first aid you 'll build up a good reputation and when a patient goes sour on you most of the villagers will keep you from being lynched . " Garrett squared his shoulders and beamed . " Four months in Cadiz , Spain . I was too early to see Columbus or the Spanish Armada , but the sights were worth the trip . I had to come back , though - I was afraid I 'd caught syphilis . Turned out to be a false alarm , eh Jerry ? " " Don 't worry about it . You 've got shots for most of the serious ones . . . you could turn up during the Black Plague and you 'd be fine . Be a pretty nasty vacation , though . I 'd run for the hills just to stop yourself from having nightmares . If you 've got a strong stomach , though , you could make a killing as a doctor . . . end up living like a king . " " Sorry , nothing I can do about that . Time keeps passing for you . You 'll get older . Those are the breaks . You 'll see a world you 've never seen . . . and come back to find your kids are still alive . Don 't wait too long and the people at the office won 't be shocked to find your hair 's gone grey over the weekend . ' Course , you could come back and find you can 't go back to your old job . " " Well , one fellow went through and the machine didn 't cycle again . He had that same chip in his arm that you had . . . and I 've tried the GPS to locate it , but apparently the transmitter in it was destroyed over the centuries . It must have been something that killed him instantly , so he didn 't have time to activate it . " " No , don 't say anything else . It 's not important . Just so long as I have enough warning to squeeze my wrist very hard - " " Just move inside the box . Go ahead and lean on the sides , it won 't make any difference . The machine cycles everything inside , despatializing it and plopping it into the other time frame . " Garrett waved his hand . " Sorry , that 's not very scientific . It all particle physics and it isn 't easy to explain . Take my word for it . . . you and the air with you are going together at the same time . " " I 'm just going to close the box and the machine will start to cycle . You 'll hear an escape of air , and a quiet whirring , and then there 's going to be a hell of a flash . Don 't worry about closing your eyes . . . the flash is your brain cells interpreting the new data . It isn 't coming through your vision . Ready ? " Garrett grinned , and gave a sharp , approving nod of his head . He moved to a console and activated the machine . The door closed , and for twenty seconds it cycled . Getting up from the ice was not Norman 's best thing . He tucked his legs under him and failed on his first try . . . he fancied he could hear his father shouting at him to get up , from the board way across the rink , but that was probably just Norman knowing his father would be yelling . A blur of skaters went past him , on their way back to the other side 's net , and Norman finally climbed to his feet - just in time to get blindsided from the back , and dumped on the ice again . It was the same player . Norman saw the blue helmet with yellow flecks . He didn 't know the other player , or any of the other team . They were in Thornecliffe , playing at an outside rink , and Norman 's team was losing . Norman got to his feet and got back to his place on the blue line . He was a defenseman . He knew what that meant . He was a no talent loser . The talent played on the forward line . His father told him different . His father had been telling him different for six years , and now that Norman was twelve he was past telling . For awhile there , when he was nine , he nearly bought into it . And maybe , when it came to real hockey , being a defenseman did mean something . But in the league , Norman knew it was where they put you because they had to put you somewhere . The puck came to him and he whipped it across the ice in the direction of the left wing . He didn 't try to play the puck . . . that would have been a disaster . It would have just gotten taken away from him . He was done trying that game . Now the coach was yelling at him and that was fine . The coach was always mad . His parents were always mad . Norman hated hockey and there was no way out of it , at least not for another season and a half . He was bigger than most of the others , and that worked against him . Everyone said that if he could improve his stick handling and his skating and his balance and his shooting , he 'd go far . They had been trying to make him go far for a long , long time . Norman didn 't want to go far . The puck came again and Norman tried to back up to get it . He got his stick on it , and it slid down the board into the corner . Skating as best he could , he went for the corner , and sensed - or heard - someone coming up behind him . A moment after he touched the puck , he felt himself slammed off it and into the boards . His helmet hit hard and for a moment he saw stars . Then he was on the ice , sliding on the boards , rolling onto his back . He got on his feet and started back across the ice . He knew he 'd been boarded . Again , the penalty hadn 't been called . It was never called . Norman had been feeling dull and uncaring , but now he had a mission . He didn 't care about the puck , or the ice . He was mad , now . He began picking up his feet more , following the pack , but not for the puck . He wanted to catch the player with the blue and yellow helmet in just the right place . It took awhile . Norman ground his teeth together and skated in wide circles , waiting for his chance . The puck came past him and Norman fought to play it in the direction of his enemy . He didn 't care if he lost the puck now , so long as the puck got him right where Norman wanted to be . When the chance came it was so perfect he couldn 't have hoped for a better set - up . Norman played the puck towards the right side boards , just past the red line , and blue - and - yellow went right for it . Then the right winger , Tony , came face to face with him and together they crossed sticks to get the puck . Norman didn 't care . All he could see was blue - and - yellow framed against the white boards . Without hesitation , Norman dug his feet in , pushed with all he had and skated straight at his enemy . Norman tucked , and hit his target low , dead in the shoulders , crushing the player against the boards . The sharp , sickening impact was like music to Norman 's ears . He kept his feet . He turned around , and skated away . No one was yelling at him . No one was making any sound . The kid wasn 't getting up off the ice . He started for the way off and passed a couple of the players on his own team . They weren 't angry , just confused . None of them were Norman 's friends . They were just other kids who were always disappointed that Norman couldn 't play better . His father was there when Norman came off the ice . He wasn 't mad , either . He looked scared . Norman couldn 't see why . He looked back , and saw they were carrying the kid off the ice now . Things got hard after that . Norman was pulled aside and into the community centre , where his mother watched over him . There was no friendly moment where his mother bought him a drink or something to chew on . She just watched him , like he was a bug . Norman was used to it . He knew his father was talking to the coach . It was a long conversation . Norman began to think about taking off his skates . He knew he had to wait until he was told to . His father came in and walked to Norman 's mother as though he was carrying two big suitcases . " The other boy has a concussion , " Norman 's father said , directly to Norman 's mother , as though Norman wasn 't there . " He lost two teeth . They don 't think it 's anything really serious . I talked to the boy 's father and thankfully there isn 't going to be any action . I asked if there was anything we could do and he said no . But he said he would call us if he learned anything else . " " As far as Norman goes - " . . . and here Norman 's father at last acknowledged Norman 's existence with a look ; " - he 's off the team . The coach doesn 't want anything more to do with him . So that 's it . A thousand bucks of hockey equipment down the fucking drain . " They told Norman to undo his skates and they collected everything to take it out to the car . Norman kept his head down , to hide his smile , that he couldn 't quite get under control . They weren 't watching him , and they didn 't see . They were talking about how they could see the equipment somehow . Norman wasn 't listening . He was wondering what it would be like to have a Saturday that didn 't have a game he had to play , and didn 't have a practice he had to go to . The building had no elevator . It was five stories and the movers had maneuvered the sofa - bed up four of them . The stairs were narrow and inconsistent from floor to floor , so that as they made their way around each turn , it took figuring and a lot of shoving to make the piece of furniture go . " God help the poor bastards who have to take this out again , " said Brett as they passed the third floor . Later on , his comments towards the sofa - bed were less considerate . Mark took the nature of his partner in stride . Brett was 52 , thirty - one years older than Mark , and a little bit frightening at times . Brett was massive , quick to anger , indifferent to pain - both his own and Mark 's - and often impatient . What he did not have was endless energy , and that was where Mark beat him hands down . But because of it Mark had to do most of the leg work around the Furniture store 's warehouse . Brett did all the driving . They spent most of their days in the truck , delivering or picking up , but they didn 't talk much . They didn 't listen to the radio much . Mark could start a conversation and Brett didn 't seem to mind , but their talking never seemed to go on very long . Now they were making the last turn to bring it onto the fifth floor . The stairs made a tight bow around a bit of plastered wall . Brett was below , holding most of the weight on his shoulders , and Mark was squeaking the sofa - bed between the stair 's railing and the wall . Then suddenly Mark heard a grunt , and then a great wheeze , and the sofa - bed fell out of Mark 's hands . There was all of fourteen inches between Brett 's legs , the sofa - bed and the wall . Mark bent forward , let himself fall into the hole , and caught himself on his arms without touching Brett 's legs . From there it was easy to snake the rest of the way through . Brett was covered in sweat . His face was brick - red . " I think its . . . a heart - attack , " said Brett . " I felt my arm just before . . . " He caught his breath . " Call , " he managed . " Brett tried to stop him , but he couldn 't shout . Helplessly , he listened to Mark run and jump down the stairs , until finally going out the inside front door , then the outside front door . Brett heard them close , one at a time . He laid as still as he could , wishing he could get the sofa - bed off him , not daring to do it himself . He didn 't want anyone else , either , not unless they could both pick it up together . A long time passed . Brett chastized himself for getting into this trouble . He was mad at himself for being as old as he was . Distantly , he heard an apartment buzzer ringing insistently . Mark had realized by now that the truck was locked , and that he couldn 't get back in the building . Brett heard Mark yelling . Then the downstairs door opened , and Mark started running up the stairs . Neither spoke . A minute passed and the woman came again to the top of the stairs . " They 're on their way , " she said . " How are you ? " " He 's in a bad way , " answered Mark . " Find someone up there who can help me get this sofa off him ! " Brett grinned . " Stop worryin ' , I said . I can 't feel my left arm at all , and my right one 's just about dead . So am I , I think . " Mark blinked , and began to cry . It was shock , really . . . he didn 't sob or break down . He didn 't take his eyes off Brett 's face , either . He 'd never seen Brett look the way he did . " Don 't worry about it , " answered Mark . Then he started , remembering it was what Brett had told him . Mark moved back , walking down the steps until he came to stand next to the fourth floor door . And there he waited . He thought about deciding not to go to university the autumn before . He thought about not starting the band with Fred and Roddy . He thought about ending it with Olivia , four months ago . Her mouth made a big round ' O ' when he told her he 'd never been fishing , and she insisted that that weekend they strike out . She arranged for a fishing rod for him , she bought him a sleeping bag , and Saturday morning , early , they packed up . They hiked up to the back - end of Boom Lake and picked a spot amid the trees , and set out their tent and their gear . She laid a huge blanket on the ground under the sky , and spread open their sleeping bags on top of it , and as the warmest part of the day passed , they christened the campsite with great sex . They laid together naked in the woods , him on his back , her nestled in his shoulder . " So this is fishing , huh ? " he asked . " Oh , I 've been thinking about that . " He made an arc in the air with his hand . " First thing , your parents get killed in a car accident . " " See ? We 're already in the future . You 're parents will probably be dead by the time we get back home tomorrow night . Can I go on ? " " As I was saying , you practice . . . a LOT . All the time . I start to miss you , and we don 't have any children . " " Shut - up . You get really good at the clarinet and people start to take notice . You get a gig with an orchestra , and you start getting drunk with the girl violinists and half the time you 're doubling down in Vegas . " " So I decide I 've got to have you back . I start stalking the tour you 're on , going from city to city and selling drugs to enable me to overcome the staggering ticket prices . You don 't even remember I exist anymore . . . " " Exactly , " he said . " And you shoot me dead with it . And at that moment you realize I 'm the perfect man for you , and we live together happily ever after . " " Wait ! " he said . " I 've had another vision of the future . You go fishing , and make the beds in the tent and fall asleep . " Mary sat at the lab bench , her feet wrapped around her stool , surrounded by her brothers and her husband , all three leaning over her . They were afraid to speak to her . They were afraid to interrupt her . Mary peered in the microscope and at long last she finally said , " Uh huh . " " It was a genetic problem from the start , " said Mary . " It doesn 't happen over night . And the first five years were wasted from not understanding enough about the subject . We learned from that , however . " She ran her eyes over the glass apparatus , the books of notes , the burn marks on the wooden table . . . signs of years and years of effort and research and disappointment . Step by step and year by year they had built the source , and sometimes at great cost . Three times they 'd come close to losing everything . But here it was now . Mary reached out and picked the full cubical bottle from the table . The tea - brown liquid flowed and rolled within , catching the light , glistening in it as no comparable formula had . It was the light and the way it shone through the bottle that was sure to make them millions . A hundred and fifty a bottle here in North America . Possibly twice that in Europe or Japan . We 'll have to contact our overseas distributor once he sees the result . He might suggest a higher sum , depending on market analysis . " Boys , we have something that can 't be equalled - unless someone else is working on this right now , and I think we 're all sure they 're not . This is ground breaking . It 'll be at least a decade before someone copies it , and by they we 'll have sewn the market . " Mary grinned . " Just selling the process alone would be enough - they 'll scream blue murder in America once the supply starts . " " We could cut in some of the interest groups , " said Tom . " We have pretty hefty debts we could stand to take care of right now . Maybe Vermont would pay . " Mary stood up , and took the bottle from Alfred . " To hell with Vermont . " She held the bottle up to the light , again enjoying the way it changed the liquid 's color . I had got a brace of pheasant in the Lord 's wood , and thought to be working my way out the way I come in when I ran across a ploughed field , and along the field a wood fence . I spied around me but saw no Hayward , and counting myself lucky I headed along the fence in quest of the lane I knew to be west of where I was . The sun was setting and I knew the way . The young girl was sitting upon a stile , watching me come on , seeing me before I saw her . Her hips were swathed in a rag , and the shirt she wore was tied around her waist with a dirty sash . She was none too clean herself , but not being a man keen to ablutions either , that made little difference to me . I wondered at her intent , and would have asked her , but that her intent was made clear as she climbed down off the stile and came towards me , her eyes never leaving mine . I dropped my pheasants near a post , and leaned my bow , and together we laid down in the wheat that had grown wild next to the field , and knew each other better . I know not what happened when I woke , to find myself whole , and the girl still beside me . Now there were two men , who looked alike to each other that I knew them brothers . My first thought was that my poaching had been discovered , but this was not their look . They rode no horse , or showed any sign of heraldry , but one had my pheasants and one had my bow . The one with my bow had gotten my knife , too , for I could see it clearly in his belt . The one with my bow spoke to the girl in an unfamiliar tongue , and the girl answered likewise , and I got from her way and from the man 's way that they were acquainted . I grasped my waist and found my pouch still there , and seeming all the coin that was in it , ten pieces in all . The man did not seem interested in my coin , and was not angry , nor was his brother when he said a word or two , but it was made clear to me that I should stand up and that I should walk with them . When we come to the lane , that being the way into the Lord 's fiefdom , down the glen and to the little hamlet with its mill and villiens , the girl and the brothers grew quiet and fearful . We crossed it quickly , my thinking being that they were as feared of the Reeve as I . From that point we stole through the woods beyond the lane , the brothers on either side of me beckoning and pointing my way , and the girl ahead . I grew occupied with wondering our purpose , and with what should become of the game I stole , or my knife and bow . By and by we came into the bottom of the valley , where all was tough grass and pond water , where none lived but cotters and worse , souls who lived off the Lord 's land but depended upon the labor they could gain there for livelihood . We came in time to a clearing where there were two hovels , hardly wider through the middle than I could stretch my arms wide . An old woman sat at the doorway of one on a stool , and the brother with my pheasants gave them to her , and she smiled and began to pluck them straight away . The other brother called and an old man stepped out , and this I knew was the father , and the old woman of course was the mother . The girl fetched water from a pond , pulling me along beside her until we came to one where there was movement in the water , a branch of the stream that was further on . What anyone thought of her and I going off alone I knew not , for they made no move towards it , and I could not understand the words they used to speak of it , if they even did speak of it , for I could not know that either . When we came back with the water , the old woman had plucked the birds and a fire had been set and a clay pot sat resting in the fire . The girl beckoned me to pour the water into the pot , and it sizzled as it fell in . The girl stopped me from pouring all of it . As it grew full dark , and the fire died away , the brothers went to one hovel and the girl and I , and the father and mother , went to the other . All was dark inside , but the girl brought in a taper , lit by the fire , and showed me a place to sleep . It was upon a dry , greasy cloth , laid overtop straw and leaves and grass , against the wall . I crawled upon it and found it was restful , and turned to face the wall and sleep . The girl laid beside me , and the father and mother upon another cloth in arm 's reach of us . I found I could not keep my eyes closed , as the girl pressed her body against mine . The moon rose , and a thin light came through the doorway , and presently I could see the dry clay walls inside , with nothing to mark them . Then the girl began to fuss with me , pulling and moving me , impelling me to turn over , not letting me alone until I did . She pressed me until my back was to the wall , and her hands stole down the breeches to make her way . She arranged and nestled herself until she was beside me , and I in her , bedded like husband and wife . And over her shoulder I saw the eye of her mother in the moonlight , staring at me but making no sound or movement to stop these goings on . For a moment I saw the girl 's father lift himself and look , but he took no notice of it and soon he was snoring . I closed my eyes against the mother 's gaze , as the girl humped against me , but I knew the mother did not close her eye against me . I know she went on watching , until the girl 's keening wail broke the night , and I had finished my last grunt . We were not disturbed , not by anyone , and the night passed thereafter uneventfully . With the morning I rose , and climbed over the girl , my clothes tied up , and found the mother near the fire , making a tea with the water left from the night before . I approached her , to make a sign of some kind , and she stretched out her hand to me . I took her meaning at once , and found my pouch , and chose to give her four coins . She smiled , and pointed me to the door of the brothers ' hovel . There was my bow , newly strung , and my knife , oiled . My pheasants I did not miss . I nodded to the old woman , and collected them , and bowed to her . She wished me away with her hand . I have had a long career connected with writing for magazines , working in theatre and , in a small part , with film . I 've also worked a variety of blue collar and white collar jobs in order to have money to live . I have a personality that is intense , and I passionately believe in those things I say - that human beings should choose to live their lives according to their own interests and desires ; that they should not regret their pasts ; and that a change can be made by those willing to work for change .

Lucid dreaming . It 's all my friend ever seems to talk about . Even though we 're on opposite ends of the social spectrum , he seems to act more of an introvert than me . I wonder why 're even friends sometimes . I 've heard about it on online forums but I just remember being weirded out by the people who get REALLY into it . Like , to the point where the dreams almost feel like a second reality to them . I dunno , just seemed very depressing to me . Regardless , I have to write a journal about my dreams so I can be more aware of when I 'm dreaming or not . Which is gonna be interesting because I tend to get lost in the details a lot . There is a rather big problem here in the fact that I haven 't been able to dream or remember a dream in like , ever . So yeah , I can 't wait to see how that turns out . It 'd be pretty funny if I did end up dreaming about something tonight . It would just end up making me look like a fool . To myself . Right , no one is going to read this . Like I said , details . It 's almost midnight so I better hit the sack tonight and pray for the best . Well I 'll be damned , not long after I passed out , I had a dream . It wasn 't anything special , it was just sort of like me doing my morning routine after getting out of bed . You know , like just me brushing my teeth , taking a shower , breakfast , nothing out of the ordinary . Although , all I have for breakfast these days is just some cereal . Typical food for a broke college student . The only thing different was that my father called me and told me he was going to drop by tonight to take me to dinner . He must 've been sick ' cause I remember that he sneezed heavily in the middle of it . I think I woke up after I hung up or when I said sure , but I can 't remember . Either way , that 's all I got to report on for now , class is starting soon so I better get ready . So , I just came back from class , but I had to write this down . After I finished writing my entry today , I did what I said , y ' know , shower , food , etc . But then , I got a phone call all of the sudden , and when I checked to see who it was , it was my father . He said , if it was alright for him drop by and have dinner with me . Exactly how it was in my dream . Now , it 's probably just some weird coincidence but , the fact that he said the exact same thing like in the dream really caught me off guard . Word for word , even the sneeze at the exact moment like in my dream . I mean , it 's not like it 's any cause for concern since it 's just a random thing that happened . My father calls me out for dinner all the time , so I guess it makes sense I 'd dream about it as well . Well , either way , it 's time for me to go to the restaurant my father mentioned . Real classy place , going to be nice to have something other than ramen for once . Will write down anything new . Nothing new this past few days . I 'd go to sleep and wake up like nothing happened in between . Actually , I remembered telling my father about that funny dream I had and he just chuckled a bit and quickly changed the subject . It was kind of odd how quickly he changed the topic like that , ah well , it was a pretty boring thing to talk about anyway . So , let 's get right to it , I had another dream last night . I dreamed of going to a local store and buying some drinks and snacks . While I was checking out , I decided to buy a scratcher from the clerk . I bought a 1 dollar scratcher , got my lucky penny out and tested my luck . Guess what , I ended up winning $ 500 from it . You could imagine my disappointment when I woke up after that . Both in the fact I had no money and that I keep dreaming mundane shit . But you know , I should hit up that store after class is over . I dunno , guess I 'm just feeling lucky . I won . . . I followed what I did in the dream . Bought the same drinks , same snacks , even bought the same scratcher . And I won $ 500 , just like in the dream . I can hardly believe it myself , I mean , this is fucking insane . This isn 't some coincidence , I dreamed exactly what happened the day after . Almost as if my dreams can predict the future . I still can 't believe it . I really , really can 't process this right now . I don 't even know how I 'm going to sleep tonight . It 'll be best if I just go outside for some fresh air . I 'll write some more if something happens . This is going to be interesting I feel . So , it 's been awhile . After my walk , I bought some energy drinks and headed home . I didn 't get a wink of sleep that night . I called in sick for my classes as well , there was no way I could focus with what 's going on . I just kept drinking energy drinks and coffee till it felt like I was going have a heart attack . I couldn 't tell you why I was so afraid . It 's a bizarre thing all around but , there was just . . . something that kept me awake , that kept me on edge . The weirdest thing of all , was that it felt . . . familiar , almost like recalling a traumatic event from your childhood . That said , after nearly 2 days , my eyelids felt heavy and I passed out on my couch . The dream that followed was more than enough reason to write down in the notebook . It was early in the morning . I was walking to the movie theater with a good friend of mine , Frank . He was the guy who told me about lucid dreaming in the first place . Frank invited me to see this new movie that came out . Ever since I started having these dreams , I could recall everything perfectly , down to the smallest details . This time however , I couldn 't remember what we were talking about while we were walking . But even then , we didn 't seem to talk much . We just walked in silence . Then , as were nearing the crosswalk , the light turned red and the white " walk " sign turned into a " don 't walk " sign . I sighed and pushed the button and waited for the sign to turn back . But he didn 't stop . Frank just kept on walking despite the large amount of traffic . I remember calling out to him , although I can 't remember what I actually said . But Frank just kept walking , as if in a trance . His gray eyes were wide open , like as if he was terrified . What he was scared of , I have no idea . I looked around and nothing was off , there was no one around . Frank was walking on the asphalt at this point . I began to run towards him , calling out to him . He stopped . But it was too late . It happened so fast . The truck hit him in a blink of an eye . I ran out to him , yelling his name . The truck stopped and some nearby pedestrians wanted to see what was going on . Frank was on ground in front of a Sedan . I ran up to him , to see if he was still alive . But what I saw stopped me in my tracks . His body was mangled , as if he was torn to shreds by Lion or a Tiger . He was covered in claw marks , his eyes were gouged out , and his legs were sliced cleanly off , like someone chopped them off with an axe . All of this , by being hit by a pickup truck . A nearby woman yelled at the sight , but I just stood there , motionless . What caused this ? This is couldn 't happen no matter how you look at it . It was as if , Frank died multiple times at once . I woke up after that . I was drenched in sweat , my breathing was heavy . I wiped the sweat from my head . I wanted to puke from that horrible sight . But more than anything , I wanted to call Frank . I grabbed my phone and checked my contact list . I immediately tapped on Frank 's name and called him . The phone ringed while I prayed that Frank will pick up . I closed my eyes and waited what seemed like hours . The image of his horribly mangled body burned into my memory . The ringing stopped , I heard a voice that removed all of my fears . It was Frank . He wasn 't in a good mood , demanding to know why I called him at 4 A . M . all of the sudden . " I . . . just felt sick is all . You know how often I get sick dude . But , never mind that . What are you plans for today ? I mean , later today . Hah . . . " " Oh , yeah , yeah , London Has Fallen , right . Are you sure you wanna see that ? ' cause like , the trailers looked kinda boring . How about we just get some beers and play some video games ? " " We can do that any other day man . Come on , it 'll be great . We get to see Morgan Freeman kickass , head out to a bar afterwards , it 'll be a night out in the town . " " Well , look , we can forget the movies then . Just come on by tomorrow and we can just talk you know ? If you need to vent , I 'm all ears . " We agreed to meet up at his place and I hung up after that . Well , at least I don 't have to worry about Frank . But still , I can 't get the image of Frank 's body out of my head . Why was he mangled like that ? Why did he look so out of it ? Why can 't I remember what I heard ? Of course , the biggest question is why I can predict the future ? But can I ? There could be no way Frank can end up like that if it did happen , right ? Ugh , there 's just so many goddamn questions , but it 's not like I can ask anyone about this . I 'm going to tell Frank all about this tomorrow , today , still dazed and confused . I don 't care if he 'll believe me , I don 't care if he 'll call me crazy . I . . . just need to let someone know , just get it off my chest . It 's almost 9 A . M . I should be meeting him soon . Hopefully he 'll listen and stay at home at least till I get there . If nothing else , I 'd like to just relax and not think about this for a bit . Frank 's dead . I had just arrived at his shared house . It was early since the sun wasn 't even up . When I knocked , one of his roommates opened the door . A large and buff dude that I 've met once or twice , think his name was Spike . Frank told his roommates that I was coming . The house was roomy which was good since it was the home for 5 college kids . Frank tells me that living with this many guys means that it just a never ending party which sounds exhausting to a guy like me . I asked where Frank was . His roommate just shrugged , saying that he was probably in his room . He asked one of the younger guys to check up on him . Rolling his eyes , the freshman ran up the stairs . We made small talk as we waited , talking about our class and stuff . That 's when we heard screaming coming from upstairs . It was the freshman . Everyone in the house went to where the screaming was coming from . It was coming from Frank 's room . We burst inside to see what was going on . The freshman was trying not to vomit as he sat on the ground . In the closet was Frank , mangled and ripped apart , just like in my dream . Everyone began to panic ; worrying that there may be a killer in the house . Spike tried to calm everyone down , as panicking wasn 't going to help . Spike brought out his phone and called the police . I just sort of stood there , trying to wrap my head around what happened . I thought I prevented this , I thought I was going to save Frank from . . . whatever did this . The events leading up to it may have changed , but the result is the same . When I won the lottery , I thought my dream would predict everything that would happen . But in the end , me buying the same stuff at the same store was my decision , influenced by the dream itself , only me winning was what was fated to happen . Simply put , Frank was gonna die regardless what I did . But how , what can cause Frank dying in such an impossible manner ? The police eventually came , and interviewed us . His housemates all said the same thing , that no one noticed anything out of the ordinary , that there has been no history of break ins . When I was interviewed , I didn 't tell them about my dream . If I wasn 't going to tell my close friend , I sure as fuck wasn 't going to tell the police . After inspecting the house and having the ambulance take the body out of the house , they couldn 't find anything out of ordinary . Once everything was settled , I headed home . I drove in a daze , as if everything until now is just a long fucked up dream . Now , I 'm . . . I 'm just at a loss on what to do . I know I won 't be sleeping anytime soon . I don 't want to think about what I 'll see if I sleep . I 'm going to the nearby store , get myself some more energy drinks and coffee . I know I 'm slowly killing myself doing this . But I couldn 't care less by this point . I don 't know if I 'll write in this diary or journal ever again . I . . . just don 't know . I haven 't had any sleep in days . All I could think of is Frank 's body whenever I begin to feel sleepy . The police has ruled his death as an " unsolved murder " even with all the flaws with that statement . There 's no way Frank could 've been murdered in the shape his body was in . How can a person rip someone to near shreds in less than five minutes ? But it doesn 't stop there . I was watching the news last night . Well , it was more like I was spacing out while I occasionally glanced over to see what 's on screen . The news was talking about the usual shit , it was pretty slow day overall . But then , all of the sudden , the newscaster began to talk about a murder that just occurred . It was enough to snap me out of my trance to see what 's going on . The store clerk who owned the shop I bought my winning scratcher was found dead this morning . That alone shocked me , especially since I 've known the guy for two years . His shop was my go to place ever since I came to this town . Apparently , a customer had entered the store very late at night . He was greeted by the clerk as he asked for a pack of cigarettes . The clerk then went to back to see if he had any more in stock . When he failed to return after 5 minutes , the customer got annoyed . He went behind the counter and knocked on the door , asking if he was alright . The door opened slowly and he found the clerk dead on the ground . But then they talked about how he died . They mentioned how his body was found scratched and mutilated in a way that could not have been by any normal human being . Exactly how Frank died , I sort of mumbled to myself . I turned off the T . V . when they moved on to a different subject . I have to find out what 's causing this . If this keeps happening , I know I 'm going to fall victim as well . I hate to admit , but I might have to fall asleep soon . Not cause it 's been days since I last did , but it might help shed some light on what 's doing this . I can 't tell if I 'm lucky or not but I didn 't dream at all last night . Right after finishing my entry , I practically passed out on my desk . Embarrassingly enough , I woke up to find drool on my diary / notebook . My last entry is now no longer legible I 'm afraid . Neither of those matter at the moment . I looked up online to see if there were more of these unsolved deaths either now or beforehand . Surprisingly and rather depressingly , it 's rather common all around the world . It started within the past decade with a case in Europe in which a German woman went missing for a few days . She went to visit her friends in Paris but never arrived . Her corpse was located in a lake near Saint - Quentin . Her body was covered in the same marks just like Frank and the Clerk . These cases have been growing more and more common in the past few years . None of them seem to have any connection . They just disappear for a few minutes or a few years before being found in the same condition as the rest . They 've mostly been in smaller or in third world countries with that German woman being more of an exception . Like I said , they 've been growing more common and as such , more and more are happening in larger and more developed countries . What does whatever is doing this want ? How are they capable of doing this around the world and with such little time to spare ? I doubt I 'll be able to get these answers but what I want to know is how my power is connected ? Is my power even connected at all ? God damn it , this is so fucked up . I 'm meeting my father tomorrow . He wants to take me out for dinner again , same place as before . I 'm really not feeling up to it but the more I stay in my room , the more paranoid I get . Justifiable paranoia if you ask me . Anyway , I shoul I 'm getting more paranoid it seems . As I was finishing my sentence , I swear I heard something outside my window . It sounded like a rustling noise from a typical slasher flick . When I looked outside , a cat ran out of a nearby bush and hid behind a trash can . It was hissing the whole time . I stuck around to see if I can find what could 've scared the cat but there was nothing . I 'm not falling asleep tonight . I don 't know what scared that cat but I can 't take any chances . I 'm gonna turn off the lights and stake out tonight . It 's going to come for me soon . I just don 't know what I 'll do if it shows up . I have a small pistol I keep for safety but could it even hurt whatever this creature is ? I 'll keep it around me regardless . It 'll come out . It 'll come out . . . It 's morning . Nothing showed up . I 'm relieved but at the same time , I can 't relax . It can come at anytime and kill me in less than a minute . This demon can 't be underestimated . If I knew somebody the same way I knew Frank , I 'd call them to keep my company so I won 't be alone . But that would just endanger them as well . I can 't have them end up the same way . I 'll do this alone . Even if it ends up killing me . I need someone to confide in however . Someone that I can vent all this frustration with . All this bullshit . My father , I 'm going to tell him today . About the cases , about Frank and the clerk . This notebook can only do so much . I may no longer be a child , but he 's still someone I can trust . I met with my father today . He showed up in a typical dad outfit , Khaki 's , Polo shirt , etc . I swear he just embraces it . We ate our food and discussed small talk at first . But I just wanted to get it out of my system . While he was making a cringy joke , I began to speak . " Whaaat ? You actually want to talk ? This is a first . It 's about time you want to open up to your old man . So what 's up doc ? " He bit off the tip of an imaginary carrot . At this point , I just unloaded everything on him . From the death of Frank , the clerk , and the unexplainable deaths . But what really got his attention was that I told him I saw Frank 's death beforehand in my dream . " Listen , son , I know this is hard on you . But you 're probably just imagining things . You look awful . Have you been getting any sleep recently ? " " I can 't sleep ! I 'm not imagining things ! Damn it , why don 't you believe your goddamn son ! " I got a little furious here . I actually pounded my fists on the table . Our plates bounced a bit . People nearby looked over to see what the commotion was . I put my hands beneath the table and apologized to my father for my little outburst . He looked a bit shocked at first but then had a rather soft look on his face . " Son , let 's get out of here . I need to show you something . " I was a bit taken back by his response . I nodded . After we finished eating , we drove to a local graveyard . We didn 't speak until I asked why we were coming here . He told me he was disappointed I don 't recognize this place . When we arrived , we headed to a random tombstone that blended in with the rest . I glanced at the headstone to see who was buried . I almost did a double take when I saw it was my mother . " She was a kind woman . The kind of woman that 's too easy to fall in love with . When she saw you for the first time , she had the biggest smile I can remember . " My dad began to talk about her as if we were in a romantic novel . He was always a big sap but I 'm kind of the same in that regard . " The day before she died , you came into our room with a little blanket and PJ 's looking really scared . We asked ' what 's wrong ' ? We knew you had a nightmare since you had many as kid . You looked at your mother and said , ' I dreamt that mommy died ' . " My stomach sank and my knees began to feel weak when he said that . I knew all along that this might 've been the case . But hearing it aloud , having someone confirm it , really made feel sick . " We just laughed it off as a joke . You were a bit of an odd child . Yet , she told me that she began to feel she was being watched later that day . I laughed that off as well , saying that she shouldn 't take a 5 year old 's nightmare so seriously . I can 't think of anything that I regret more than laughing at her fear like that . " " I feel that you know that better than I . " I can 't believe it . My mother . . . was a victim as well . Not only that , but I ended up predicting her death as well . " After the funeral , I tried figuring out how you could know something like that ahead of time . But everyone I went to just laughed me off or just brushed it off as a coincidence . I ended up feeling the same way and up until you mentioned me calling that day . " I regained my balance and stood up . My father just kept looking her headstone . There was no epitaph or anything on it besides her name and dates . " Why me ? Why do I have this power ? " " Who knows ? Maybe we accidentally dropped you in a vat of radioactive chemicals ? " He said in an attempt to be funny . To be honest , I did chuckle a bit . It was nice to just laugh at bad joke for once . After spending some time paying our respects , we headed home . I asked if I could stay the night and he agreed . It 's been ages since I 've been to my old house . My room was just like how I left it . Posters of semi recent action movies and a useless bunk bed since no one really stayed over . I might end up staying the weekend . It 's what I really need at the moment . I told my father I wanted to go fishing at out usual spot tomorrow . He had the biggest grin since we haven 't fished there since I was 14 . I really feel bad for ignoring my father during my uh , " edgy " phase of my life . He 's been so alone all this time . Speaking of which , I should head to the living room now , it 's movie night . Gonna watch Marley and Me tonight , he always cries at the end . I secretly do as well . I was so stupid . I was so fucking stupid . For a moment , I thought I could put all this behind me . That this was just a long nightmare . But it wasn 't going to go away so quickly . I was a fucking idiot . I had a dream that night . I was hiding in a dark room , so dark I couldn 't see my hand in front of me if I were to hold it up to my face . What was different was that I wasn 't actually there . I was seeing through the eyes of . . . something or someone . It remained dark for a long time , it was silent as well . The only sound was someone moving around outside . There was a thump and someone swore loudly . When I heard the voice , I immediately recognized it as my father . It was at this point that I realized what I was going on . It was made more obvious when I heard a bottle of shampoo fall in the tub . I wanted to yell . But nothing came out of my mouth . Rather , it was not my mouth and what came out was something I wished I had never heard . The sound was my voice . A pitch perfect recreation of my voice . It began to call out to my father ; using my voice to act like I fell on the ground . My father called back saying it was odd that I was up without him noticing . His footsteps began to sound louder and louder as he came close to bathroom . I tried to wake myself up , yet I couldn 't move . All I could do is watch since my eyes can 't even close . He was right outside the door , saying that he had a small first aid kit in case I was hurt . I heard the knob turn . The door swung open and my father was peering in . At this point I woke up . It was barely 5 A . M . I didn 't waste any time , I ran as fast as I could to the master bedroom . But it was too late . I didn 't see my father 's body . I just saw blood smears on the carpet that lead to the bathroom that now remained closed . I was holding back my tears at this moment . What took my mother has now taken another important person in my life . The lovable goof that raised me all by himself . Now he 's gone . I didn 't have time to mourn . Since the bathroom door began to open slowly . I didn 't want to stick around to find out what was behind that door . When I turned around to head out the front door , the door to the bedroom shut itself in less than a second . I seized the knob and tried to turn it as hard as I could . Yet it wouldn 't budge . I looked back , the bathroom door was still opening slowly . It was as if that thing was taunting me . I looked around the room to find any way out . In front of me was a window . It was a two story drop but better to die falling than to ripped apart by that thing . The bathroom swung open but I didn 't look back . I sprinted and jumped through the window , shattering the glass and landing on a bush by sheer luck . I had cut all over me as I landed , most notably on my legs and head . I immediately ran as fast as I could away from that house . People came and looked outside to see what the fuck was going on . I didn 't care though . I ran for what seemed like a mile before a nearby police car spotted me and asked me to stop for questions . When they asked me what I was doing , I frantically told him about how there was murderer in my father 's house . After telling them I got like this by trying to escape the killer , they got me in the car and called for backup . I stayed outside while they inspected the house . As expected , they found nothing out of the ordinary outside of my on the spot escape plan . I couldn 't look as they brought out his body on the stretcher even if it were in a black bag . After inspecting the house , I was questioned especially since this is the second time I 've been at a scene of a crime this month . I avoided anything supernatural in my answers as before . Being taken to a mental hospital was the last thing I want at the moment . After everything was done , I got in my car and began to cry . I 've lost so much by this point , I just didn 't want to do this anymore . I just wanted to drive me to a nearby lake and crash into it . But I couldn 't just yet . I wanted to know one thing before I died . I wanted to know why I am capable of seeing what I can see . I put my keys in the ignition and drove back here . I know I 'll be next now . This demon won 't let me live after witnessing that . I got my pistol out and my energy drinks and coffee on stand by . I 'm not going let myself die so easily . It 's been days since I 've last wrote in this . I fear I 'm getting close to the end and it won 't end well for me . Regardless , I must write down everything that has happened since . The night I came back and stayed up all night in preparation for when it will arrived , I had the T . V . on . I 've been watching the news to see if there any more victims . I haven 't left my house since I came back but if the news is anything to go by , it should stay that way . More and more people have been found in the manner . To give you an idea , the past month has only had 6 weird deaths that fit the description , that night , more than 50 were found dead . That 's only in this small town , god knows what it 's like everywhere now . Even the news station had a few victims during this since they 've went off air a few times . During that night , at around 3 A . M . , I heard a some noises outside of my house . I immediately pulled out my gun and checked every room and window to see what was making that noise . At this point , I had nothing to fear . After everything that has transpired so far , I 've accepted death and was willing to do what it takes to find my answer . If only I knew that there was far more to fear than death . After checking out everything , I head back to the living room for another energy drink . That 's when I hear a loud thump from the front door . I turn around as fast as I could and pull out my gun again . I turned off the T . V . and hid behind my couch as I wait for whatever 's out there make a move . I sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity . My rapid heartbeat being the only sound that emanates throughout the house . I take a deep breath and peer above the couch . At this point I 've yet to see . . . it . All of my encounters with it have been brief and I 've been too worried about my own safety to bother getting a glimpse . When I looked around , my eyes were drawn towards to the window closest to me and to what was behind it . I want to describe it . I want to be able to articulate what has been haunting me this past month . But I can 't . This is because that . . . thing is something that could not exist . It 's existence alone defies how we view the world , how we view the universe . Even now , I can 't even understand what it was . All I know is that it had what could be considered a mouth . And it smiled at me . The fear that I once thought gone , that thin attempt at being brave , came back in an instant . It felt like my mind was being violated just by looking at it . The only thing that kept me from going completely insane is because that thing disappeared in a second . Like one second it was there and the next it wasn 't . I had to catch myself so I didn 't pass out by sheer fright . When I managed to calm myself as much as I could , I knew it was going to get inside sooner or later . When it will , I won 't last a second . But the real question was how , if it could get inside without needing a direct way in , it would 've done it already . Frank and the clerk died within minutes of being left alone without any sign of break in . At this point , I heard a familiar sound . A cat meowing . I looked around to see the stray cat hidden behind the T . V . At this point it was made clear to me , if another being is present , that thing can 't attack . Even if that being was just a cat . At least , that 's what I thought . I tried to beckon the cat over so I wouldn 't leave my sight . The cat wasn 't willing at first but it eventually came over . Slowly I tried to hold on to the cat . It scratched and hissed but it eventually calmed down . I gripped the cat close without crushing the poor thing . That 's when a thought came to my head . How did it get in ? Panic began to settle in when I realized this . A loud crash inside the house affirmed my fears . I quickly jumped to my feet with the cat in hand . That 's when I heard a familiar voice coming from my bedroom . A voice I 've heard once or twice but has been ingrained in my mind all this time . It was my mother . " Sweetie ? Are you there ? Ah , I 'm so sorry for the mess , but it 's because you always have it so dark in here . Mind if I at least turn on the light ? " My bedroom suddenly turned bright . My door was slightly ajar but not open enough to get a good look inside . I 'm so glad that was the case as well . If I were to see that thing impersonate my mother with my own eyes , I would 've been beyond repair . My mind would not be capable of witnessing such an event . " Oh , why don 't you call up your father dear ? I swear he 's always getting himself in trouble when 's alone . " I wanted to cry , I wanted to scream , I just wanted to die . But I had to keep going , I had to know what was going on . I remained silent and decided to wait until morning . I sat down and held the cat up close and sat in silence trying to block out my mother 's disembodied voice from my mind . It never ended , it kept calling me , kept telling me things that only my mother could know like how I sprained my ankle when I was 4 or how I told her she was going to die . The rest of the night was a blur . Just a never ending struggle with my sanity as it kept calling out to me with that voice . I wanted to kill it , for daring to use her as bait . But I had to play it smart and wait it out . When morning came , I didn 't even noticed until the cat began to struggle in my arms . I looked at bedroom and heard nothing . I eventually let the cat go and slowly headed to my room . I stuck my arm out and slowly pushed the door open . The light remained on and nothing seemed out of place . Whatever was here was gone but it 'll be back by nightfall . I didn 't want to stick around . I grabbed my journal and the cat and ran to my car outside . I spent the past few days trying to survive rather than trying to find out my ability . Looking back , I knew there was one place that could have my answer . My old house . After turning on my car , I pulled out of the driveway and on to the road . On my way there , I noticed nobody was outside despite it being 10 in the morning . Everyone must 've been hiding out of fear , locking themselves inside for fear of their lives . It was straight out of an apocalyptic movie . I eventually made it to my old home . The police tape still in covering the building but I couldn 't care less at this point . Grabbing the cat , I snuck my way through the back . The kitchen were I had many fond memories , now just seems like any old kitchen to me . I practically tore the place apart in search of something that could help me in anyway . Checked the living room , nothing . Checked the dining room , nothing . Checked the small storage room , nothing ! The first floor was practically useless to me . I made my way to the staircase but before I could head up the stairs , I felt a chill run down my spine . Up these stairs was the place my father died , the place I nearly died , the place that 's now just a nightmare to me . A living , breathing nightmare . I stood there for what seemed like hours before slowly taking my first step . When I reached the top , I took a glance at the master bedroom . The blood smear still remained there . I decided to hold off and explore my room first . Like everything about this house , the room no longer felt the same . Everything about it just seems off to me now . Like as if everything had been replaced by an exact replica . I wasted no time and searched every nook and cranny for anything that can be considered useful . While I was emptying my cabinet , I noticed something that fell out of my drawer . It was a picture of my family , me , my dad , and my mom , all smiling . It was taken at the usual fishing spot my dad used to take me . My dad reeled in a huge catfish and must 've gotten an uncle of mine to snap the photo . Even though everything in that house had lost all meaning , that photo was enough to bring out a smile and a tear or two from me . I flipped the photo and saw text written with a sharpie . The text said , " Nothing " . It was odd , sure , but I didn 't think much of it at the time . After searching my room and preparing myself mentally and emotionally , I entered the master bedroom . I did my best to avoid looking at the blood smear and the bathroom in general . After dumping all the drawers , I noticed something hidden in the cabinet . It was a small box with no real decorations on it . I grabbed it and opened it to see what was inside . The box had a small journal and an envelope with photos inside . Before opening the journal , I glanced through the pictures in the envelope . They were all Polaroids of our family with messages on the back . Most of the said " Nothing " like the photo I found earlier . That 's when I discovered an eerie photo . It was taken at night and had no one in the photo . It showed the lake and the pier although it was so dark you could only see a small portion of the water . I flipped it over and saw text that was different from the rest . " 1 " it said . I looked again and spotted toward the corner of the photo an indescribable being , grinning a toothless grin . It was different to what I 've encountered but I knew it was the same . . . thing . I put down the photos and decided to look through the notebook . I then realized , this journal , belonged to my mother . It was my mother 's dream journal . I skimmed through to see what my mother dreamed of . The first couple of pages are her dreaming about banging a popular male actor and creating a small town out of nothing . Then it gets disturbingly familiar . Eventually she starts writing about how she dreamed of walking to work and seeing a car crash only to have it play out in real life the day after . She even recalled having a dream about her seeing a store being robbed only to hear about it on the news later that day . The more I read , the more disturbing it gets . I didn 't get to read the rest since I knew nighttime was going to fall soon . I checked into a nearby hotel for the night and just now finished reading what she wrote . Eventually she starts to write about she has trouble sleeping since " it " has been following her in her nightmares . In her penultimate entry , she dreams about her waking up to see me tell her that she 's going to die . Her last entry . . . " Oh dear god . . . I had a dream last night . Whenever I fall asleep , I keep thinking I 'll see that dreadful monstrosity again . It 's coming for me , I just know it ! But I didn 't see that thing . I saw what that thing was afraid of . They were . . . shapes , monoliths , grander than I can even begin to describe . They were bigger than even our sun . I asked why me , why do I have to suffer through these nasty images every night ? It told me things , secrets , ideas that I can 't even begin to wrap my head around . But it made one thing clear , it told me why I have this power . It said , in a what can hardly be described as an intelligible voice , ' oracles . . . of . . . judgement . . . ' Then I woke up . " It 's been so long that I can 't even remember what day is today . The cat died last night ; I fell asleep for no more than 30 minutes before waking up and seeing what little was left of the poor guy . It 's definitely taking it 's time with me , toying with it 's food . I won 't allow that , so I 'm going to put this pistol of mine to good use . If I accomplished anything , it 's that I won 't submit to it . Even now I can hear it laughing , using my voice from when I was a child . An innocent carefree laugh that 's been plaguing me for a long time now . None of the lights work and my T . V . won 't even turn on . Last I remember was that the news station was going off the air due to the fact that most of their staff was missing . I lost electricity not long after that . If my dream was anything to go by , it 's already too late . We were mere stepping stones of something greater , larger than we could possibly imagined . My mother came face to face with one , I think that alone makes her one of the toughest individuals I can imagine . Which makes it more frustrating whenever it calls out to me in with her voice . I had one last dream when I fell asleep last night . It was cold and dark , our sky was like an abyss . There was no moon or stars to be seen . Our town was nothing more than a smoldering crater . The entire ground was nothing but dust and ash . Nothing and no one was left . But from the crater , I could see shadows , moving in bizarre and unnatural ways . It was almost as if they were dancing . There are still so many questions that have no answers . It 's disappointing to leave whoever reads with no real conclusion but as you can probably understand , my hands are tied now . It 's funny how I still believe that anyone is going to find this . But maybe , just maybe , someone can come along and I don 't know , just at least know what happened to me . To have my story heard by at least one person . If you do read this , I 'm sorry but there isn 't anything anyone could do at this point . All I can do now is . . . wake up .

Introduction : Getting a bite of a very strange fruit . Author 's Note : this chapter is just an introduction of the main character . In fact it 's a long introduction of how the character came to be . Not only that , but I really hope I did this right , and people will like it . Happy Reading Everyone . I would like to send a big thank you to my editor Curt . Oh what would it be like to have long silky blonde hair , fair skin , and big blue eyes fanned with long eyelashes ? Everything would be so much easier and better if I were all those things . I wouldn 't have to work so hard to help keep the roof over the heads of me and my family . I would love to have a , loving caring husband by my side to protect me from the false dangers that I could be in if I was a white woman . To have everything , and walk down a street safely without being harassed or taunted by someone who thinks you deserve it because you were born the wrong skin color . That 's the problem her employers had with her , she thought she was something more than she should be . In this day and time a black person 's place should be way behind the white man , hell sometimes it seemed like they were worse than animals . But she had to always keep that thought to her self , or she would get slapped for it . This was the 1930s and slavery ended only seventy - five years ago , she shouldn 't be thinking like this because things could have been way worse than what it was , as her grandmother would always tell her . She would always tell her that black people should be grateful for the things they received now and not worry about getting something more . But that was her grandmother talking . She thought that if you stay out of the nice white man 's way then no harm would befall upon you . You stay in the place that your supposed to be in then no harm would fall upon you . " ELIZA . . . ELIZA . . . . ELIZA . . . ELIZA LILLIANN BURNET , GET YOUR BLACK ASS DOWN HERE . " At the yelling voice of her grandmother , she stopped writing in her diary , and went downstairs to meet her grandmother . She worked so hard that her hands grew sore with each stitch she netted . Her fingers grew numb from all the sewing and stitching at such a hurried pace that she thought her fingers would fall off . Getting tried , she sat back in her chair and rested herself a bit . " Well this can 't keep happening to us Ray we need to do something about this . I am tried of seeing young black men just swinging around in those damn trees . I am tried of having to watch my step or think of myself less of a man whenever I am in the presence of them , this sight has to end brother , why won 't you listen . " " Lookie here I all I am saying is that we should be grateful for what we have now , Robert I mean slavery is over and we should let the past rest . , and not stir up trouble . Maybe the reason why that boy got his neck snapped in the first place was because he was doing something he had no business doing . Look all I want to do is live my life without causing trouble , and if that means being less of a man to the white then so be it . " " I really think you are causing a lot of trouble with this plan Charles , I mean why can 't you just be satisfied with what we got now ? I know it 's sad that the lynching 's that go on but those people might have caused trouble , and I don 't any trouble , and I don 't want to lose my job . My boss is a good white man and I can 't let him down . " " So you are just comfortable being the white man 's pet nigger , hell you might as well be a slave Ray , why don 't you want better ? Why can 't you see the trials and tribulations that we as blacks are going through ? Why can 't you see the hate and dangers we must face every time we walk out the door ? Why are you so ok with the fact that if a colored thinks of themselves as more than they should be then they deserve to get beaten to death or even worse . Why are you ok with being the white man 's lap dog ? That man treats you like less than a man and you sit there and take it while he is paying you little chump change . " Eliza had never heard her father talked like this . With him being the son of a preacher and a preacher himself he was always very uptight and spoke the good word . He never had a rebellious or militant bone in his body . So to hear him talking like this painted a whole new picture of him . At that moment she was not concern about any water . " Why don 't stand up for yourself and be a deserving man just like any other man . We all deserve more than what we are getting . We shouldn 't be treated like less than a simple rock , Ray we are more valuable than that , we should not have to take what we are taking , that 's why I asking you to do this . Your father was a great educated man who helped build this city with only his mind , and passed that knowledge down upon you , why do you stand idly by while the mistreatment of coloreds goes on . Did you not hear about the race riot over there in Arkansas ? " " Yes I know Charles . But you also have to know that white man that I work for keeps a roof over my family heads . I am saying this with all the love in my heart for you Charles you are my best friend and damn near like a brother to me , I can 't do this for the sake of my family , I 'm sorry . " Ray was stunned for a few moments before he walked away . On his way out he spotted Eliza standing behind the wall of the room he just came from . " Hello dear it 's so nice to see you again . " With that he walked into the heat of the midday summer . She had no other choice but to answer truthfully since she was caught red handed anyways . " No I just caught the tail end of it daddy . I had to take a break from the sewing in the hot sun and wanted to get a drink of water . " This had been a long day and she felt the effects of it within her sore muscles . Her muscles would get even sorer when she and her mother prepared and served the Smiths dinner party . A thought occurred to her ' where was her mother ? ' " She went to get more fabric , honey , and supplies . Mrs . Smith wants a birthday dress for her sister by next week . When she gets home , you will start on it tonight . " " Because I said so . Now get to stitchin , these clothes won 't sew themselves now will they . Beside Sally Ann is nothing but a kind white gal that deserves the best . " " Are you sassing me child ? Though you may be twenty - five you ain 't to old ta get an ass whipping that why no man has never wanted to be your husband you back talk too much . Here comes your mother on the wagon with the rest of the stuff , go and fetch it . Eliza did as she was told ; she grabbed the dark fabrics that were on the top of everything else . At the feel of the silky dark fabrics she dreaded the night she had in store . She marched her way to the house with anger in her heart at the fact not only did she have to cater to the Smiths all night long , but she had to make a dress for the evil snotty daughter as well . She was in for a long night , and she didn 't look forward to it . There was nothing left to do now but stand in the back while the party went on . She stood watching as the partygoers laugh at how wonderful their lives were . How they enjoyed their lives , at how easy they had it . But they were disappointed when slavery ended and there weren 't any good black people around to work for them . They seemed really saddened by the fact that slavery had ended and there wasn 't a slave to come and clean behind then anymore . Now she saw why her father said that she needed to quite this job . Ever since she had started working for the Smiths ' they had always worked them hard to the bone , and they expected her to do more . The thought of quitting the job never occurred to her , because she didn 't want to suffer the consequences if she did quit . " Susan where did you get that nigger from ? She has been standing here staring into outside space for the last ten minutes . I really hope you are not paying that girl more than she deserves , this is my first time meeting her and I can tell she 's a lousy nigger . If slavery wasn 't done for I would have taught that girl a lesson a long time ago . " " I agree completely , but she and her mother are wonderful when it comes to clothes . You see this lovely dress I am wearing . " Susan said looking down at long silky green gown with gold trimming . " She did this , just for this party , and not only that she also made the dress my daughter is wearing . If she and her mother weren 't good at making clothing I would have been done with her a long time ago , and get a new maid that would be willing work for far less that what I pay them . " " SHIT ! " Eliza shouted , she had cut herself the second time tonight making those damn finger sandwiches . She had to make these things in a rush cause Mrs . Smith was looking over at her every time she turned around . " How long does it take to make 30 sandwiches ? Get your ass on the roll , were not paying you for nothing . Hell to be honest about it my mother and father should not even pay you for the work you don 't do , You are not even a full time servant , you don 't even do the things a coloreds suppose to be doing for their superiors in the first place . " Eliza took a deep breath and let it out . She had always had to listen Sally Ann 's remarks ; she had no other choice but too . Being black and female , in a small town in South Carolina , she didn 't have many options . She was a female nigger straight up , the only thing she was good at doing was staying out the way of her ' supposed ' superiors . " I am tired of being patient , my guests are hungry and you 're doing nothing about it but taking your sweet ass time , hurry up . With the way you are working you really should be working for us for free and be happy to do it . I mean why not ? A colored should be grateful that a white person gives them the right to be in their presence , do you understand ? You should be kissing my feet right now . " " Yeah you are one sorry excuse of a colored nig , first the dress you made me had a lose string hanging from it that I had to cut all by myself . You better be glad that you are talented otherwise you have would been out a long time ago for all the mistakes you made whenever you design anything for me . Which reminds , me the next dress better be flawless and ready in time for the ball , or your sorry ass will suffer greatly " A few more tears fell from her eyes , but she did her best to hide them . She finally was able to finish up the rest of the sandwiches without letting any tears fall on them . " Are you through yet ? Finally , took you long enough , hurry up the people are waiting . " The man did nothing but gave a huff . Once she was done with serving him she made her way towards other guests while keeping her eyes downcast . A white person hated it when someone inferior looked them in the eye . It was a total sign of disrespect to them . Her eyes then went from his shoes to his well - tailored pants , to his freshly pressed dress shirt that was covered by a black penguin tail tuxedo jacket . And lastly her eyes went to his face and she was caught dead in her tracks . This had to be one of the most gorgeous men she had ever seen in all of her twenty - five years of living . His skin looked flawless and as smooth as butter , he had strong cheekbones . His slightly crooked nose lent a sense of danger to him . His blond hair was slicked back with the ends touching the back of his neck . But what she was most attracted to was his eyes . They were so blue it looked like God himself took some of the South Carolina ocean water and put some of it in his eyes . His thick eyebrows and long lashes made his eye really stand at attention . There was no other way to put it , this was the most beautifulest creature she had ever seen . Hell , he was even more beautiful than the unicorns and fairies she read about in some of those mythical books she loved to read so much . This man had to be an angel sent down from heaven . She was so caught up on how gorgeous this man was , she didn 't even notice that he was speaking to her until he touched her shoulder . " Huh I am so sorry sir , please forgive me , I didn 't mean to stare at you like the way I did . " She quickly lowered her eyes and raised the food tray towards the angel . " Its ok dear darling . Its very flattering knowing that I can attract the likes of you . " " Well when you were standing there gawking at me I was saying - you know what , it 's not important . But what is important is that you try to smile more and don 't look so glum . Now I know it 's hard doing what you do and being around Sally Ann can make anyone feel incompetent , but please dear darling don 't get yourself down with her cruel useless words . " He said with such an airy whisper that she was pretty sure nobody could hear it . He wasn 't like other white men that she encountered . Most of them thought it was their right to talk to her in any kind of way . They would throw hurtful racist things in her face , grab her inappropriately and expected her to be grateful and happy that a white man would show her any attention , just because she was black . She had seen so many black men swinging in trees just because a white woman had pointed her finger at him for the simple sake of doing so . The white woman 's beauty had really been put up on a pedestal ever since Birth of an Nation came out and their counterparts did their best to keep it that way . But then again this was her first time meeting her angle . With a stuttering voice she finally responded , " Yes sir I will do my best . " The angry ones came from the white women , while the surprised ones came from the men . They were angry that a white man would visibly touch her in a kindly manner and give her a warming smile . Hell , they were surprised at the simple fact that he would even touch and smile at heart all . When she arrived she was shocked at the huge mess everyone had left . Balloons , confetti , broken glass , napkins , and food scraps were all over the place . Someone was even courteous enough to leave her a puddle of vomit in the corner of the room . Letting out a sigh she grabbed the broom and started cleaning . Mrs . Smith said she wanted everything clean by the time she woke up . Not only that she wanted them to stay overnight because she had a guest spending the night , and they needed a big breakfast in the morning . It had been a very long day she had woke bright and early to finish up the dresses for the female Smiths , had to clean up before the guests arrived , make the food for them , and afterwards she had to clean up . In order to get all this done she had to wake up at eight o ' clock and was officially with everything until two thirty . She was glad that the Smiths had their dinner and that it only lasted for five hours . She and her mother both felt their muscles ache with pain by the time they fell into the guest bed . Once her body went to the mattress she instantly went to her dreamland . The dreamland consisted of beautiful unicorns prancing around as she sat on a rock by a calming creek . It was a glorious day and the sun was smiling down upon her with such warmness . She was enjoying herself all too much , when she heard a small tree branch crack in the woods behind her . " Pixies ? What pixies ? " as soon as the question left her lips her face smacked into a little light blue creature with big sparkly blue wings . She thought she had hurt the small little thing but the pixie proved her just the opposite when it started to laugh . The pixie then swept down and whispered into the child 's ear , and the child started to laugh . " You thought you had hurt a pixie , but you can never hurt a pixie . Even though they are small , they are a very strong . " The child giggled and skipped faster . " Hurry we are almost there . " They continued to skip until her legs got sore but she didn 't care , she was having too much fun . In fact she was having so much fun that she didn 't realize her skipping trip came to a stop . " We are here , Miss Eliza , there is your gentleman . Oh but wait . " In a blink of an eye the ratty maid uniform she had had on before was gone and in its place was a beautiful soft pink fairy gown . The material was smooth and soft up against her skin . The scent of lilies caught her attention , and she felt something on her head . Reaching up she founded a crown made from lilies . Now she really felt like a princess ready to see her prince . Once her transformation was complete , she looked up ahead to see a tall blonde man standing with his back towards her , underneath a tall altar with vines and flowers covering it . When she took a step she stepped on a twig making it snapped . He turned around to face her and her breath caught in her throat , it was the man from the party . With a huge smile on her face she ran up to him . He let out a hearty laugh when he saw her coming . " It took you long enough sweetness , I have missed you so much . " He said leaning down to kiss her forehead . " Come lets dance . " Magical soft music began to play , and a huge dance floor appeared . As they began to dance Eliza couldn 't believe this was happening to her . Just for that few seconds coming in contact with that tall blond haired man at the party she felt this pull . She wanted him , but was afraid to have him . She would have never thought in a million years that white men such as the man she met would be interested in a black girl and not to mention that he was dancing with her . She rested her head against his shoulder , enjoying the effect he had on her . The dancing seem to last for an eternity , but she didn 't care it was peaceful , hypnotic , and everything else good wrapped up in one . Yes she was having the time of her life until she notice the blood smeared on his shoes . Taking stock of the situation , she couldn 't help but notice there was blood on his pants . She took a step back to tell him so , but the words never came . Half of his face was covered in blood ; his nicely pressed dress shirt was bloody . She was too dumbfounded for words . " Honey what 's wrong , why did you pull away from me ? Come back here . " He extended his right hand and that was covered in blood as well . Taking a few steps backwards she was about to run until he grabbed her . " Don 't you dare run away from me . There is something you should know about me . I am not a very good person , actually I am a horrible person , I have taken many lives just for the sake of doing so , and I enjoyed it , I love being who I am and what I have done . " " ELIZA , ELIZA , ELIZA wake up girl . It 's six o ' clock and we need to start making breakfast . Hurry , go get yourself cleaned up , we have big breakfast to prepare . " Her mother said . By the time everything was done they had set the table , and placed all the food in the middle . Everything was done perfectly . The dishes were clean , the eating utensils were nice and shining , and the crystal glasses were spotless . The Smiths and their guest should be happy with everything . They chatted about the dinner party last night while they were making their way to breakfast . They talked about how good it was to see old friends , and they talked about how awful it was . But they talked about the fact that Jackson openly touched Eliza at the party . Not only that he smiled at her , and people weren 't too happy about that . " Why are you worried darling ? You acting like Jackson will end up marrying the nigger girl and run off into the sunset . Well he ain 't he loves his position in the Klan way too much for that . Besides what respectable white would do with a nigger anyways beside fuck and leave them , he can 't do nothing with her Susan . " " AH hell Susan she 's eighteen now and she needs to know this . Sally Ann you are more worthy of every man 's attention even black men . Do you know why ? I tell ya why it 's because you are white . You are a white woman , a beautiful white woman now that you have grown . Every man on the planet earth will always desire you , and the black woman is the ones that want what you have , but can never get it . " " Innocence , virtue , beauty , the right to get a job that doesn 't involve cleaning , the right to walk freely knowing that their men will do anything to protect their virtue . You see the black woman got the mark of Jezebel , that 's why they are so envious now . They are tainted creatures that will always want what you have . Remember that . " Without being asked too Eliza emerged from the kitchen and went to greet the Smiths visitor . There stood Mr . and Mrs . Vermont with a middle age Romania woman behind her . " Move out the way gal . " the lady said , pushing Eliza out the way as she headed towards the breakfast room with the woman and Mr . Vermont right behind her . " Lena it 's so nice of you to join us . " She heard Mrs . Smith say from the other room . " Eliza , Martha don 't just stand around and do nothing go into the kitchen and get the Vermont 's something to drink . " " Well as you know the previous help I had was no good at all . All those damn darkies were lazy good for nothing , won 't even work from sun up til midnight like they use to , and on top of that we have pay them too . So that 's why I got me a little gypsy woman . She works hard unlike them and don 't complain unlike most of these niggers around here , and I don 't have to give her anything except a nice warm bed to sleep in . " Susan pricked up with all the good news as her best friend was going on about the maid she had . Her husband on the other hand had just come in and sat down to eat without a word . Both just sat and ate while the two wives went on about their lives . A few seconds later Jackson came into the room where everyone was . He looked disheveled and messy . He stood there taking Eliza in with his gaze . She was pretty for a black , no scratch she was beautiful for any woman . He could tell that she had white blood in her due to the fact that she had red nappy hair , she was light skinned with a dusting of freckles on her cheeks , the simple fact was her mother had to be a half - breed . He wonder , what was that white man thinking when he laid up with her mother . Why was he crazy enough to have a baby by a black woman ? But then when he first saw Eliza last night he saw why ? She was too cute for words , or what his father used to say , too cute for a black woman . She had this certain essence about her pulling him in , when she came to offer him something to eat at the party . His wondering ceased about her when he heard his brother speaking to him . " Sure in the hell did . " Jackson said with a big smile upon his face . " Me and the boys found out where he lived kicked down the doors , beat him with an inch of his life , hog tied him , and lynched him in the biggest oak tree we could find . It took us all fucking night to find a good sturdy branch , but when we did Dave cut his pecker off , we then poured tar on him , and torched him like the morning sun . " " OH shit Jack you just might 've killed a nigger for nothing , everyone knows she let anybody get a chance to mess around with her . She 's not that far from being an Oh ' Johnny girl . I just feel bad for Robert though . She must have gave it to him real good in order for him to put a ring on her finger . " Mr . Smith said nonchalantly . " Well if she did crawl into that man 's bed willing or unwilling , he deserve what he got . He was probably thinking of the mere fact of touching a white woman , and the law in South Carolina will always protect the women from potential danger . Did you not see Birth of a Nation ? That 's a damn good example . " Jackson said " The director was trying to warn us about these niggers around here . The men are thinking awful thoughts about our women , and who knows what the women are thinking about us ? It is best , as the superior race that we keep them in their place . We have to keep them at the bottom and any other race for that matter . " Martha was stunned at what she just heard . These people were openly having a conversation about killing a black man for what might be a false accusation . She had been used to white people calling her names such as half nigger , half - breed , mutt , dog , and sometimes sand - nigger because often times people confuse her with a foreigner . So many times Martha had wanted to up leave and take her daughter with her . But then reality would always sink in , she had little to no education , she was a half - breed woman who didn 't know her white father . And the only skills she possessed were cooking cleaning and sewing . If she quit on the Smiths now she and Eliza would no longer get their income to help keep a roof over their heads . Despite her husband being a preacher that 's still wasn 't enough to bring in the money they needed . She prayed to God that something better would come along , and she didn 't have to keep cooking , cleaning , and making clothes . People don 't understand how hard she worked . " Martha go into the kitchen and fetch us some more grits and orange juice . And tell that girl of yours to fix Jackson 's room up for him . He had a very long and tiring night . " Back in the kitchen Eliza was having too much fun with the middle aged woman . When she first saw the woman she assumed that she didn 't speak English judging her by her skin color and the clothes she wore . She instantly kicked herself for thinking that . She was judged all the time by her skin color why would she do it to anybody else that showed kindness . She was good with numbers , she talked about the black plague , Anne Boyleyn , King Henry , Napoleon , talked about how much of an idiot Columbus was and Queen Elizabeth as if she knew these people personally . Not only that but the woman spoke fifty different languages as if that was possible and the woman gave her a taste when she switched from Chinese , Japanese , Cambodian , Thai , Russian , French , Arabic , Swedish , and Greek . The woman could go on with all the different languages , but Eliza 's head began to hurt with all the things she was learning from this woman . The woman even talked about the many houses she had whenever she traveled and the jewels she possessed . She got a glimpse of her fine jewels when she saw the blue diamond earrings the woman was wearing . " AAhh is that what I said now ? I like you very much , cher , but you are yet very hard of hearing . I have never said I work for the Vermont 's for free , the woman said I was , and as for the Mayor , he is going to pay a hefty price . " The woman just laughed " I know but in due time you will . Lets just say in the end I will get what I came for , and then some . Now if you excuse me I have to take juice to the Vermont woman . " On her way out , Martha stepped through the kitchens doors with a disgusted look on her face . " Mamma what 's wrong ? Why are you looking like that ? " " I just heard something , that I don 't want to hear ever again . Eliza listen to me , Mr . Smith order you to go clean up Jackson 's room . Once you are done please do not stick around and talk to this man , avoid this man at all costs , and please do not get trapped up in his web . He is a horrible man . " Jumping with a scream she turned around to face the person that just came in . Jackson stood there with a pile of dirty clothes in his arms . " Hello there , Eliza that is your name correct . " He said discarding the clothes to the floor . " shhh don 't say anything and listen , that 's another thing don 't ever back talk your superiors , you should always shut up and listen . Now before you got all mouthy I was going to tell you looked very pretty today with your nappy red hair pined back . " " Th . . . . thank you sir . " " And another thing whenever a man of such class like myself , you should be grateful that he is talking to you , and stop trying to runaway from him . " He said jerking her forward " Its very rude of you , especially when you are beneath me . You didn 't even apologize for your rudeness . " She was scared now ; he had grabbed both of her arms and pulled her so close to him she felt like she was suffocating . She was struggling for release , struggling for air , and just plain struggling . Despite him being a beautiful man , his breath smelled awful , like he was drinking whiskey non - stop , and his kisses tasted even worse . In any other setting she would have loved this , but not now . He tasted and smelled like whiskey and she kept smelling smoke on him like he had been somewhere with a lot of fire . She started beating his chest to let her go , but it was no use . She was a 5 ' 1 " petite black woman that weighed 94 pounds trying to fend of man that stood over her at 6 ' 6 " and out weighed her by well she didn 't know how much he weighed , but he felt heavy . He was tall , big , and very strong . He looked like he could hold a horse over his head if he wanted too , he felt that strong . She knew one place he wasn 't strong yet she thought to herself and with all the strength she could muster she kicked him in his groin just like she did in her dream . He released her and let out a loud , painful scream while doubling over . She stood surprised that she could do something like that . She hurried to the bedroom door trying to let herself out but she felt a large hand grab her ankle making her fall to the floor with a scream and a thud . " Why you ungrateful little bitch . You disrespectful little niggalet of a Jezebel , I was giving you what I know every black woman wants , and you go and hurt me like that , how dare you . " He said turning her to face him . She was scared , tears in her eyes . He climbed over her small body and started fumbling with her maid uniform trying to take it off . This could not be happening to her . Her use to be dream man was going to take advantage of her . ' He can 't do this to me ; I will not let that happen . ' " You are a fucking liar and you know it . She came on to me offering sexual services , and when I turned her down she attacked me , see look at my face , the little bitch scratched me . " When they saw the scratch marks on his face they gasped . " I 'll tell you how . The mark of Jezebel , all black women have it , my father has been telling me this since I was a child . I have tried to ignore it for the longest time and thought of it as untrue but looking at my little brother right now , my father was right . " " SHUT UP AND STOP CRYING " Mrs . Smith yelled at her . " You have caused enough trouble for the day and enough pain for this family . You are lazy , you can 't cook , you day dream all day long , can 't work fast enough like we tell you , complain to much , and your sewing skills are slipping . " " It does not matter , she and her mother needs to go now . Go get your mother and the both of you leave my house this instance . Your services are no longer needed . " This is just so unfair , why would they believe him over her , she was the one who got attacked first and almost raped . She was basically being fired for defending herself . Before she went downstairs to get her mother she caught a glimpse of Jackson . He had this little smirk on his face that made want to vomit . How can a beautiful man like that turn out to be such a monster on the inside ? She thought puzzling . She walked downstairs with tears pouring from here eyes like a river . She went into the kitchen where her mother was and told her what happened . Her mother was also upset at the outcome of things and grabbed what little they had ; said their goodbyes to the wonderful Romanian woman and left . This was the only job they had that helped pay the bills and now they had to struggle to find more work . Josephina liked the new friends she met today . They were sweet , warm , and full of life . Despite the many things they endured from people day in and day out they remained upbeat and positive and the young one was so naïve about life . The girl was still just a child that had to learn more about the world . She could tell the girl was sheltered , what with her father being a pastor living off the tithes of the good church people . She was only let out to cook , clean , and make clothes for a family that hated her for her skin color . On top of all that to almost get raped by a hung - over man . She just found the perfect excuse to do so . " Josephina what is taking you so long with those damn steaks hurry up I am hungry . " Mrs . Vermont yelled . Letting out a chuckle Josephina was thinking of the outcome of the things that would happen in the very near future . Eliza sat in the front row of church with a bible in her hands praying for a better day to come . She still felt sick to her stomach at what happened two days ago . She cried until her eyes were sore . Not only was she fired , but she was fired for being almost raped . Her father was outraged when he first got wind of this . It was the first time ever that she had heard him curse like a sailor , and wanted to hit something . But deep down she knew her father could nothing about it , do nothing to protect the women he loved from those who meant them harm . He tried calling the NAACP but they were always too busy with the big time stuff such as race riots , living conditions , and fighting against Jim Crow laws . But no matter how hard they tried the NAACP couldn 't be everywhere all the time . He had even written them letters about all the horrible things that were going on in South Carolina but he never got a response . They were working hard for better conditions for colored people , but they were just one organization trying to help millions of people in an extremely racist world . " I will no longer idly set by while they continue to harass our women and get away with it . I will no longer walk by an oak tree and see my fellow black man hanging from it . I will no longer keep my head down every time a white man talks to me . I shouldn 't have to be accused of raping a white woman just because she said so . Me and five other black people should not have to set on the last two seats in the back of the bus . " " I shouldn 't have to go in the back of restaurant to eat , I should not have to be the one to think of myself as less than a man to make them feel better about themselves . This has to end and I will do my damn best to do it . We are equal , and we should be treated as such . Our mistreatment will end today at whatever cost necessary . " Charles shouted with tears in his eyes . Eliza was proud and also very scared for her father . The whole congregation went up in a roar . They all cheered with newfound hope that their church leader finally gave the colored people of Charleston , South Carolina . In fact they were so riled up they failed to realize an onlooker was peeking inside through the window and had heard everything that went on . " Yes sir I am very sure . He seemed like such a good man , but now for some reason he has completely changed . I wasn 't eavesdropping on him on purpose , but when I heard him ranting on when I was for my dog Bo Bo . If you don 't mind me asking sir , but what will happen to him , I mean he hasn 't bother anybody til now . " Despite everything that what happened to Eliza , today was a new day . Her father gave a good sermon yesterday . When she finally arose from the bed the sun was shining through her windows down upon her . She gave out a good stretch and headed to freshen herself up for the day . " So what are we going to do about money , we are probably to loose our home because of what happen few days ago . Charles I mean you and Eliza are the most educated ones in the house right now , and that will damn sure get us nowhere but lower then the bottom . My sewing skills can only get us so far . " " Martha you need not to worry about such things . Look the only thing we need to worry about is making things better around here . Do you know how hard it is for a colored person to get a job around here , and get paid a decent enough amount of money ? " " And what about Charles and Martin when they come back from Canada . We all are going fit in that one little church . Charles we are a poor black family that 's made up of nothing but females , we are going to starve to death . " Martha said crying " Eliza honey , get the door . " She rose from her seat and left the room . At the door was the middle age Romania woman . Eliza squealed with glee . It was so nice seeing the older woman again , she had become friends with her on the day that they met , and couldn 't help think about her ever since . Eliza went into her room to get the garment she had already made . Eliza loved making clothes but she didn 't like doing it in a rush . The dress she pulled out was beautiful . It was made from a black velvet material that she cut into a shoulder strap , v neck dress that came to the knees . It had gold trimming around the collar , and gold trimming at the bottom of the dress . She ran the dress back downstairs for Josephina to see . When she presented the dress to her , Josephina had a big smile on her face . To say she loved the dress was an understatement . " Oh thank you so much cher . " She said hugging Eliza . As the day turned into night Eliza helped her grandmother and mother sew a quilt . While her father was out handling man business like he usually did . Stitch after stitch the quilt they were was slowly becoming a masterpiece . Her mother and grandmother were busy talking while the sun began to set . They talked endlessly about the town peoples , the rumors that came along with those towns ' people and Charles of course . They knew this new plan of his would get him killed if he didn 't stop . They continue their sewing until it was the grandmother 's bed time . When her mother eventually got tired as well , she finished what she could and picked up the remains and put them away . She looked over at the grandfather clock to see it four thirty pm . Her father said he wouldn 't be at home til seven so that means she could have an hour nap before super . " Eliza , Eliza wake up , honey please wake up . " She heard mother frantic cries . She woke the instant she heard her mother 's desperate pleading . " You gots to get out of here now . " " They 're here , they are trying to get your father out the house . I knew he was causing trouble around , I just knew all his preaching would turn out bad . Eliza get up and let 's go . " Without a word Eliza jumped from her bed with her heart in her throat . She started to panic with so many thoughts running through her mind . Her mother grabbed her hand rushed her down the stairs . Once she came down the stairs her heart dropped from her throat to the pit of her stomach . In her yard was a burning cross . She stood frozen in place as reality hit her . Martha continued to push her daughter to safety . " You will find safety in the woods , once you are safe go too your brothers and tell them I love them please Eliza . I love you . " " But nothing hurry leaves this house and leave this town there 's nothing but hardship for you here . Now I am going stay here and be with my husband ' til death do us part ' , now please go . " Her mother said with tears in her eyes . " I love you mamma , tell daddy the same . " With that she turned and headed out the back door . She wasn 't outside for a good two minutes when she heard windows shattered and another stench of something burning . She wanted to turn back and get her mother , but even now , as grown woman she still obeyed her parents every wish . When she stoped for few seconds to catch her breath , she could hear cheers of success and screams of pain . Ducking behind a large tree not to far from her house , she saw her father on the ground in a fetal position protecting himself as he was surrounded by six Klansmen beating him to within an inch of his life . She heard more screaming from her mother as she was being dragged out of the house by her hair , kicking and screaming One man grew tired of the screaming and slapped her into unconsciousness . " Hey boys are you ready for some midnight sun . " The only response he was got whooping and hollering from his fellow Klansmen . The speaker grabbed some long rope and started swinging it around while the others drank from a whiskey jug . It was then Eliza couldn 't watch any more , she couldn 't watch her parents get murdered . She turned around and ran again . She had ran for a good a distance until she grew tired again and leaned up against a tree to catch her breath , and process everything that just happened . She sat there with so many thoughts running through her mind . She couldn 't understand why this had to happen to her , why she couldn 't be born a different person , why couldn 't she do anything to stop those people . She cried for what seemed like forever . She kept crying until there were no more tears to surface . She cried so hard the sound of someone approaching didn 't come to her realization until that person grabbed her . She struggled for her freedom but whomever this was way to strong . " Woo hoo calm down my sweet nappy haired cherry pie , don 't struggle so much you are going to make me hurt you even more . " Her nostrils smelled the familiar stench of bad whiskey breath . She only got up close and personal with somebody with whiskey breath once before and now that person was probably responsible for killing her parents . " How did you find me ? And what do you want from me ? Haven 't you already done enough damage to me ? Pl . . . . pl . . . please let me go . I have done nothing to you , and yet you have destroyed my entire life right before my eyes , you have no need for me so just let me go . " " That 's where you are wrong my sweet little jiggaboo . " He said turning her around with her back against his massive chest . She felt something long and hard press against the middle of her back and it didn 't feel like a gun either . " I know you can feel that you little black jezebel . " He said rubbing erection on her back through his robe . Leaning down to her left ear he spoke with drunkenness " I have been thinking very dirty things about you since the day we met , and it 's all your fault . It was all your fault that day when you got released from my brothers family . " His hands traveled to her breasts where he grabbed them hard enough to make her scream out in pain . More tears fell from her eyes . " But I am going to fix that once and for all . From now on you will be my golden pussy . You will bring in all the finest men in all of South Carolina . " " Yep my little seductress , you will put your jezebel skills to good use . " He used his middle finger to take a few tears off ho her check and sucked them into his mouth . Then he suddenly pushed her on the ground . " But now there is some unfinished business between you and me . Open your legs . " He got on the ground and turned her over to face him again This man had taken everything from her , made her feel like it was all her fault . He was going to finish what he started in that bedroom . Something told her she couldn 't let this man win again . She would die if she had to . Just like before she took every ounce of strength she had in her small body and started fighting . " AHH you disgusting little nigger bitch . You think you are too good for me how dare you think that ? Oh that 's it I am going to kill you just like the beast that you are . " He took out his gun and aimed it at her . For those brief seconds she closed her eyes welcoming her death . She let her arms fall on either side of her waiting for the bullets to pierce her flesh , so she would be reunited with her mother , father , and grandmother in heaven . She was all too delighted to leave this awful earth , but nothing happened . There was nothing but silence , dead silence . She opened her eyes to see Jackson nowhere in sight . She looked up to see Josephina in a large tree on the highest branch dangling Jackson by the collar of his shirt in one hand and the gun in the other . Eliza gasped with shock . How did she get up there with that big man ? " I 'll tell you how my sweet , but first lets get rid of this thing . " She said throwing Jackson across the woods . She jumped down from the big tree and landed on her feet like a cat . Eliza panicked and started to run again , but Josephina was right there in front of her . " Ho . . . ho . . . ho . . How did you do that , why were you in that tree , how did you into that tree , you just jumped down without getting hurt , you killed him , he killed my parents , grandma , he was suppose to kill me . Why ? " Josephina gently raised Eliza head in her soft soothing hands and looked into her eyes they were so strange but so beautiful . They were so many different colors , and so hypnotic . She felt herself getting very sleepy . " What ? ! " Eliza was slipping further into the old woman 's eyes , and before she knew it her world went into complete peaceful darkness . That was it Eliza Lilliann Burnet was dead to the world . Peaking under the covers Eliza turned over on her back to see the closing monologue for The Dark Knight . She lay there on her back looking at the ceiling fan hoping that this day would go easy on her but she doubted it . She had to be at work in two hours , but what she really wanted to so was lay in bed all day without interruptions . It was inevitable when she heard Jimmy Hendrix 's Joe blaring from her cell phone . " Hello Sage what 's is it ? " Sage could hear the bitterness in her voice

I got up at 5 : 00 AM . I was awake so why not ? Maybe I did stay in bed until 6 : 00 AM . I had the exercise class today . My body thought it was dying when I asked it to move , but I had to make it move . The instructor had a pedometer on and said we went over a mile . Mine already had some mileage on it so I don 't how far I walked . Got your e - mail Mary Kate . That was a good site and I signed up for the e - mail newsletter . It will really be a challenge for me to keep on walking when I might not want to do it . Maybe if I keep waking up at these early hours , I could walk then . Where is that bag of inspiration and get up and go . . . . ? Karen came over and we cut out some pictures she ran off from the Friend . She is making a quiet book for one of her grandchildren . Of course our mouths moved as fast as our scissors did ! I look forward to seeing Dr . Sharp tomorrow . I 'm not really enjoying anything . It 's not fun to force being pleasant . I 'll stop by and have lunch with Trudy , and will see her again after I see Dr . Sharp and we 'll go to Hobby Lobby . I bought a really large order from Stampin ' Up ! so I don 't really have any money to spend . Dad is still working with the computer trying to get his stuff off of the old one and onto the new one . I think he needs the help of someone else . At 9 : 00AM I went to Mary Regar 's house to learn more about cards . She lives in an old two story house that is cluttered with good junk ! I felt right at home . I placed a large order and then we made two cards . I learned how to cut the paper that you layer with . The first card I followed what Mary did . The second card we stamped three poppies on it and then water colored them one red and the other two pale yellow , with pale green stems and leaves . Then we chose the color of the card and then layered it with two more colors . At the end , we tied a red ribbon around the front and tied a red knot and two black and white checked knots . The card came to life all by itself . I ordered all of the colors of card stock so everything will match . It was a fun time . Dad ordered me a pedometer and it came in yesterday . I 've forgotten how many steps one needs to walk to be healthy . Do you know Mary Kate ? Maybe someone at the Wellness Ctr . will know . Some days I walk quite a bit ( according to me . . . ) and other days I don 't move much at all . I hope the pedometer will help me get healthier . I don 't think it came with a bag of inspiration . . . Sunday was okay , but I just waited too late to post . I made about 6 cards this morning . I used Stampin ' Up ! card stock and some Stampin ' Up ! paper flowers and a stamp I already had . I copied a card we did Sat . at the card party . These cards turned out really nice . I see staying with Stampin ' Up ! products will make my cards superior than what I had been using . I decided not to take Gert to the vet today . He 's settled into his container quite will . He gets rambunctious around 5 - 6 : 00 PM and so we usually put the birds to bed early - 6 : 00 instead of 7 : 00PM . The birds send us to our rooms each night ! He 's a very healthy bird and his leg should heal fine . Tomorrow , I 'm going over to Mary 's house at 9 : 00 AM to make cards . I have a lot of questions about what supplies I need and I want her to show me how to do some new things . She is very nice and I 'm looking forward to it . She doesn 't live too far from my house . Remember the old log cabin on the highway ? I think it once was a store and sold gas . Well , I turn left there and go to Holt Springer road and they live on the corner of Holt Springer and Fielding . I have spent too much money on things I probably don 't need . I 'm going to spend my money on Stamp ' Up ! things . Today ( Sat . ) was the day we met to make cards . There were only three of us and Mary ( teacher ) was one and Judy was the other one and me . I was glad because a smaller class is always better . We made 5 cards . One was for a regular sized envelop and the other 4 were for invitation envelops . We did some very pretty ones . Mary had all the parts cut out for us so we just assembled them . We had bought 3 - 4 pages of colored flowers and we used them to put on two of the cards . I think this will be my long time hobby . It 's quick gratification for me and can still be a joy for others . The flowers were paper not 3 - D . Dad has been working with his computers trying to get the information and files off of Windows and onto Mac . The store will do it for him , but it would cost a lot and so he wants to try and do it himself . Mary Kate called from a store wanting Consumer Reports information about washers and dryers . Dad was on both his computers and couldn 't look up what they needed , but gave them his pass word so they could look it up themselves . One of their machines is putting black marks on their clothes so they need a new one . Trudy and George are visiting with some of Georges family . She had a friend from high school call and want her telephone number so he could call her . I don 't know if he got her because they were at George 's family . I kept hitting " enter " and the cursor wasn 't in the right place and whole paragraphs would shift around . Then I would hit the " backspace " to get everything back in its place ! Sometimes I don 't know where my mind is when I need it . I tried calling Frankie but his line was busy . Hope they are all well . 3 : 00 AM is getting mighty old , especially since I can 't get back to sleep . It makes for a long day . I think I 'll go see Dr . Sharp and see in my medicines need adjusting . I watched The Other Side of Heaven last night and cried all the way through it . It was a good movie but I didn 't need to cry all that much plus I was crying about my sweet dog who has been gone for three years . Mary Reger sent me a card made with some stamps I have and I have made three cards just like it . Tomorrow , we 're having a card party , or we ( about 4 - 5 ladies ) get together and Mary teaches us how to make the cards she has prepared for us . It takes 2 hrs . and the one I went to was good . I was on my toes trying to learn everything and not be the slowest one in the class . I am the granny of the class as it is ! I went out early this morning to take a pair of pants back to Wal - Mart . I hadn 't tried them on and they didn 't fit right . After that , I got another pair of knee pants that I knew would fit and a nice white shirt , with red stitching on the neckline . Then , I went on to Lowes to get some flower plants . I looked around , but I didn 't know what I wanted and didn 't want to buy something just to buy , so I went home . I think I need some kind of bush for that spot , so I wouldn 't have to worry with it each spring . I 'll have to get Karen to help me figure out what to plant there . Ha - ha ! I already had a " Slow Day " and now I have a " Slower Day " ! I have developed a bad habit of waking up at 3 : 30 AM each morning . Sometimes I can 't get back to sleep . This morning I got up and got some yogurt to eat . It helped me go back to sleep . Then after I got up at 7 : 00AM and fixed breakfast , I took an after breakfast nap . When I woke up , I didn 't have anything to do ! I wandered around and dusted , swept the floor , did a load of laundry and then it was time for lunch . I talked to Karen to see about her tooth and then had the entire afternoon in front of me . I had thought of going to Lowes to get some flowers and then planting them but now it 's 3 : 00 PM and we have the garbage to collect . Ho - hum . I need a life . I checked my e - mail and deleted a lot of old stuff and found two I hadn 't read for a day of two . It 's not like me to miss an e - mail ! I sometimes miss Wed . exercise class but I went today . This instructor works us a bit harder than the one on Mondays so it 's good . After exercise , I got a hair cut . I was going to let my hair grow out some but I had been cutting on it myself and it never looked good to me . Now , there 's not enough hair to mess up ! No , I think I got a good cut . It will be easier to let it grow some with a good cut . After that , I went shopping for groceries . I guess I could have waited until pay day , but I didn 't want to . I made two cards in the afternoon . The new paper is really pretty . Didn 't get to see Karen today . She had to go to the dentist for a tooth that was hurting pretty bad . I hope she got it taken care of . Pain is not our friend . Gert is being quiet now that he 's covered up all of the time . If he stays quiet , maybe he won 't have to go to the vet on Monday . I think this is harder of me than Gertie . Dad is trying to recover from a chest infection . He got medicine for it , but he 's still feeling bad with that plus his arthritis . I got outside around 12 : 30 PM and started pulling weeds from my flower patch . It wasn 't too hot for the spot was in the shade be then . I had the little table to sit on and the top of a garbage can to put the pulled weeds in . Now I need to put some topsoil on the plot and get some flowers for the spot . I found some plants coming up from last year , lilleys , I think . I called the vet again this morning about Gert . They called back and made an appointment for Monday . Maybe he can go back into a cage now . I guess she 'll x - ray his leg again . He 's an intelligent bird and to be covered all the time must work on his mind . I was supposed to get him out 2 - 3 times a day for company , but he is too wild to do that . He thrashes around when I put my hand into the container to change the papers . I wouldn 't feel comfortable trying to get him out to love on . Hopefully , he 'll get to go back into his cage soon . Maybe with the perches lowered so he can 't fall off . Next Tues . I 'm going over to my Stampin ' Up demonstrator 's house and stamp with her . She said she was self - taught and back then Michael 's and Hobby Lobby didn 't have any rubber stamps ! Imagine that ! I look forward to getting to know her better . This Sat . we 'll be having another stamping class at the Blackburn community center . I 'll learn some new stuff then too . The vet said to cover Gert up , like at night , so he couldn 't see me or the other birds . I did and that stopped his pacing back and forth . She also said to get him out three or four times a day . I can 't do that for he gets pretty wild when I put my hand in to change his papers . He would climb up my arm in a second if I went to get him out and I 'm afraid I would hurt him getting him off my shoulder . He 'll be crazy if he has to stay covered up for a month . I 'll call the vet again tomorrow for further instructions . Went to exercise class today . I really didn 't feel like it but I knew I needed to exercise so I went anyway . I wore shorts because my long exercise pants were too warm the last time I went . I was cold the entire time I was there ! I think I 'm rushing the season . I came home at 10 : 30 AM and took a mid - morning nap ! I made 6 cards today . Five of them were Christmas cards . I already had the front of the cards cut out and the saying for the front of the cards cut out too so I just had to assemble them and stamp a " Merry Christmas " on the inside . Then , I made a new card with the beautiful paper Trudy got for me at Michael 's . I think pretty paper inspires me more than a saying . I need to study some layouts too . I made two cards like my SU demonstrator had sent me . I don 't have a corner nipper ( not the real name for that instrument ) so I rounded the corners . Plus , I didn 't have any place to put the ribbon like it was on her card . If you hadn 't seen her card , you might think my look - a - like cards were pretty good ! I had more time on my hands than I needed today . I think I had looked at the calendar but all I saw was the days that had nothing on them . There was a cancer survivors dinner I had invited the Hills to at 6 : 00 PM and I didn 't remember it until 5 : 30 PM when I was coming back from the pharmacy after getting medicine for dad . I came home and called the Hills to see if they had remembered it and I got the answering machine . I thought they might me coming to get me so I rushed and got dressed when Mary Lou called . Posted by Nate finally lost his other front tooth . Last tooth , the tooth faerie forgot to make a stop ! I hope she doesn 't forget tonight ! We had Stake Conference today . Bro . Decker had to translate so he went early . Karen , Stacey and a friend of Stacey 's came and got me around 9 : 15 AM and we got to H ' ville close to 10 : 00 AM . We had to sit 11 rows behind the folding curtains . I couldn 't see the speakers , being a short person . We saw Trudy and she came over and gave us a hug . Later I saw where they were sitting and saw George and Forrest and then when Trudy and George changed seats , I saw Forrest , then George , then , Trudy , then Sadie . Bro . Decker had to leave after church to go to the air port . We had a nice drive home . I bought a pair of shorts for exercise class but I think it 's still too cool to wear them . Plus , they are a bit short ( come to my knees ) so I may just wear them at home . I have plenty of knee pants to exercise in but I just wanted a nice exercise outfit . Vanity , vanity , vanity ! Gert isn 't adjusting to his container . He does a lot to pacing back and forth , limping all the way . I 'll call the vet . tomorrow to see if I need to do something for him . Aren 't the golden pansies pretty ! The big , white dogwood tree is 100 yrs . old ! I think I may know how to put pictures onto my blog now ! Yeah ! I hope I can remember how to follow the directions that Trudy wrote out for me . This Mac is so different from her computer that it took us a while to figure it out . This strainer has been in my sink for years and years . One of the kids didn 't like it and would always put it on the floor , out of the sink . It may be ugly . It may be old , but it works and I haven 't found another one to replace it , so it stays ! Trudy and dad have worked all morning to get my pictures into the computer and then to find them to put them onto my blog . Whew ! What a complicated mess . I still don 't know how to do it . Trudy wrote it all down for me , but I don 't know if I 'll be able to do it by myself . I hope so , then my blog will be more interesting . Dad had a Dr . appointment to 10 : 45 AM in Madison . We took County Line Rd . instead on Huges Rd . and having to back track to Lanier . It 's quicker that way , less traffic too . We got back home around 1 : 30 PM . The weather was warm but the breeze was a bit cool . Gertie is not happy in his container . He would be wild if I took him out . He 'll be so glad to get back in his cage . Maybe this month 's confinement will go quickly for the both of us . Trudy and the kids are coming over this afternoon and will spend the night . They have hair appointments tomorrow so they won 't be here too long . Trudy 's going to show me some things about my blog , I think . Yes , I did take an after - breakfast - nap today . I figured I might need the extra rest after my 4 mile walk yesterday at the H ' ville Botanical Gardens . It was worth it . When the weather gets hot and muggy later on in the summer , I 'll remember the delightful and delicious , cool and breezy , bright and beautiful spring weather we had at our visit to the Garden . I hauled a small plastic table outside and sat on it and weeded between the rocks that surround the butterfly bush next to the porch . I had a big floppy hat on but the breeze kept blowing it off . I 'm sure I 'm a redneck now ! I was down on myself and my card making so I sent an e - mail to my Stampin ' Up demonstrator , Mary Rager . She is so nice . She sent me a long understanding e - mail and an address to a card making site . All the cards I saw on the site are so rich and ( can 't spell the word I want to use ! ) mature and mine are child - like in comparison . I haven 't found my style yet . Karen got here at 9 : 00 AM and we go into my chariot and rode to Huntspatch . We went to the pain clinic to get dad 's prescriptions and then to Magabits to get a card that tells dad how to set up his radio , and then to Hobby Lobby . I bought a Christmas stamp , some colored paper , 4 glitter gel pens , some ribbon and a template to make cards and envelopes . The templates will go back for I don 't need them . After that we went to the Gardens . The electricity was off so we couldn 't pay to get in but we got a map and went in anyway . We paid on the way out . We must have walked 4 miles ! The weather was warm and breezy and we saw lots of blooming plants and trees . We walked and walked and walked and walked . We sat down on the benches and ate our sandwiches , talked and rested and then got up and walked again ! I did get lots of pictures and we saw a Dogwood tree that was 100 years old . It was blooming and very tall and beautiful ! While I was gone , dad fixed a perch for Gert that is close to the floor of his container . He had rather perch on something than sit flatfooted . I thought I was doing good by trying to get him out , but he tries of fly or something , maybe he 's just loosing his balance , but Dr . Jan said to keep him quiet so his leg can heal . Six weeks of this and Gert and I both will be batty ! I getting where I don 't want to make cards anymore . I don 't think I want to quit but I don 't feel very creative . I 'm getting down on myself . I left the house about 2 : 00PM to go get Gert . His left leg was fractured . It 'll take a month to six weeks to heal . I got a large , 30 " clear plastic container with a lid to put him in . He needs to be relatively still . If he was in his cage , he could climb and perhaps fall and injure his leg again , so that 's why he 's in the plastic container . Dad drilled lots of air holes in the top . Its 8 : 00 PM now and the other two birds are covered up and Gert has a dark blue sheet wrapped around his container . He had some pain medication , like birdie Advil . I 'm to put it on something he will eat , like a piece of bread or some peanut butter , but he really likes the small , round Nutra Berries we give the birds as a treat so he 'll get his " Advil " dropped on that . Earlier this morning Pauline Falconbury and I went Visiting Teaching . We were scheduled to see two sisters , but then the other two called and said we could come by . So all we lack is one , Susan Harris . She was just added to our route and she works . Pauline said she could run over and see her . I didn 't get any blessings for I was there in body only . It was like I had just gotten up and hadn 't had time to wake up before I was going fast - like - a - train ! I got home about 12 : 30 PM and after I fed dad , I was off again to go get Gert . Tomorrow Karen and I are going to the Botanical Gardens . I e - mailed her that I had to get dad 's prescriptions and be home in time to get them filled . I asked her if she wanted to go on another day but she wrote back no , we were real women and we could do it all ! She 's coming over at 9 : 00 AM and I 'll drive while she sleeps ( so she said ) ! Hobby Lobby is having a 40 % off sale so we 'll have to stop by there . I have no idea what I 'll buy , maybe some pens . It 's hard not to buy something when there 's a sale and you 're going to be in H ' ville anyway . . . . . It 's a sickness , I believe . I was getting down on my style of card making , and I was afraid I was loosing interest . But I still want to make cards , I just need some new ideas . Mary Rager , my Stampin ' Up demonstrPosted by I left at 9 : 30 AM to take Gert to Hartselle to the vet . I got there and explained what happened to him and asked that he be put into an incubator . Warmth helps birds get better . It 's 7 : 15 PM now and we haven 't heard from Dr . Jan . If Gert is in an incubator , he 'll be okay . I covered up the flowers again tonight . I hope the sheet protects the plants . I 'll be glad when the chance of frost is gone . Tomorrow Pauline and I will go Visiting Teaching . We 'll get to see Jan Laytham and Rachel Bathauer . Then we 'll have three more to see . I had already had post named " Sunday " so I changed it to be different ! Yes , it 's been Sunday all day . I wore my new skirt today . The one I had to take up the waist band on and is ankle length and has a " swishy " feel . It was cool enough for a sweater so I didn 't wear my new sandals . It 's funny - there are more women and girls that go bare legged to church . It was custom to always wear stockings on Sunday . In the summer , I 'll wear sandals and bare feet and legs . My dresses are usually long enough so not much bare leg is showing and I have some spray - on makeup I use to hide the spider veins in my legs . It was also custom to wear high heels to church , but when I got arthritis in my ankle , I couldn 't wear heels so had to wear flat shoes . It seems that after I started to wear flats , more women started to wear them too . Maybe I 'm flattering myself to think I started something ! Ho - ho ! Last night I covered my new flowers with a sheet because it was going to be cold . Tonight they are covered too . I 'll keep covering them until the weather radio says the weather will be warm enough in the wee hours of the morning so there 'll be no danger of frost . It was hard to plant the little flowers . I don 't want them harmed ! Sat . , my bird Gert took a shower with me . After I dried him off with the hair dryer , I took him back to his cage . He was eager to get back to his cage and he fell off my finger and onto the floor . I didn 't think too much about it because he seemed alright . Tonight ( Sun ) I noticed him limping when I got him out of his cage . He was definitely favoring his left foot or leg . I guess I 'll take him to Hartselle to the vet . I hope he only bruised his foot or leg and didn 't break it . Poor Gertie . I should have watched him better . I was up early and out the door this morning going to Wal - Mart . I needed to take back my sandals and get 1 / 2 size larger . I found the right size . I also got some exercise shorts and a top and a pair on short pants . I think I have enough clothes now for a while . After lunch , I took a little nap . Getting up really early takes some energy . I awoke to a noise that a large air plane flying over only to realize it was a lawnmower when the noise came back again ! I got up and moved the truck so he could mow the grass under it . He usually mows down my small monkey grass , but this time , they survived . I 'll get out and clean up around them so it will look like there 's a plant there . There 's supposed to be a freeze Sun . night and I have some flowers I 'll have to cover . I got them on sale because some cold weather had gotten them and I would hate to loose them now because they are blooming . I 'll take a sheet out and crumple it over the flowers and hope for the best ! Got up bright and early and got to the bank by 9 : 00 AM . If I wait until after lunch to go to the bank on a Friday , there 's a long line . After the bank , I went to Wal - Mart . I was shopping for dried foods , like bean and rice . I got enough beans that the lady behind me in line thought I was going to have a bean day ! I also got several packages of brown rice . Of course , I had to look at the clothes and shoes . I bought three more pull overs for a total of five . Since I 'm larger this year , last years pull overs are a bit tight . The shoes need to be a 1 / 2 size larger . I also got a skirt that is reversible . I didn 't try it on , it was my size so I put it in the basket . They are making a " relaxed " size now and when I got home and tried the skirt on , the waist was too large . I loved the skirt so much that I 'll just take it in . It 's ankle length ( on me ) and the material feels so good and swishy ! Karen is going to take the pull overs up about 4 " so they don 't make me look so dumpy . The storms we were supposed to have lost their steam before they got to us so all we got was rain . One reason I got to town so early was that it was going to rain in the afternoon . It did , so I was glad I was through shopping . Karen printed off a copy of the downstairs inventory she had done for me . Now , I can see just what I need to be buying in the way of storage . She 's going to e - mail dad a copy of the program for our computers . I went to Wal - Mart to get some weed killer . I 'm going to spray the weeds in my flower patch and kill them . I don 't have the stamina to get out and hoe them to death , so I 'll drench them ! It was too windy to do it today and it is supposed to storm tonight so maybe in a day or two I 'll get to do it . Then I 'll have to go to Lowe 's and get some flowers to plant . Trudy , I had a clerk help me look at the new , larger Cricket , and she couldn 't find where it said it had two cartridges . It must because it is a larger size and the cost is on up there . It might be easier for you to order it , I don 't know . They had some cartridges on sale for this week - end . It surely is a whopper of a machine . You might have to add on to your scrapping closet ! Dad 's busy getting the taxes ready to send in . He hasn 't had time to get his ham radio programed . Had to stop to do the taxes . I 've felt great today . I went to exercise class today . There weren 't as many people there as were on Mondays . It was pretty fast paced for an old people 's class ( ! ) but I felt good after it was over . Karen and I got together at 1 : 00PM and we went to Rogersville to run some errands . After we were through , we went back to her house and just sat and talked and laughed and had a great time . It felt good to laugh and feel good ! After the bad time I had on the week - end , I was ready for some relief . I didn 't want another day of self - medicating and waiting to feel better . Trudy was looking for a larger Cricket and our Wal - Mart had two large machines but I didn 't know what to look for , so I didn 't get anything for her . Don 't have much to say , just that it was good to feel good again ! Trudy is counting down the days until she retires from teaching . She 's getting happier day by day . George is going to a school to learn how to operate a crane , so his work is going well . The children are doing well . . . just being children . . . trying their parents patience but loving them all the time . It 's hard to become your own person ; to find out who you really are . Mary Kate and Richard are getting ready to add on to their home . Mary Kate is busy with pre - school , Seminary , gym , being a mother . All is well . Richard , or Branch President Villamor , is taking good care of his flock and all is well again . Frankie is keeping his job in management . He 's not in the classroom but he 's doing a good job where he is and his bosses are very pleased with what he 's done . Rachel is busy taking care of 4 children and a husband . Luke is in an honors class . Kayla is impressing the teachers and kids alike . She is singing in an honors choir plus she takes piano at her dad 's music studio and is doing well ( she takes lessons from her father , and since it 's not at home , she 's learning . You know how it is when your parents try to tell you something . . . what do they know ? ! ) . Mariam is a cute , sweet 5 year old and Josh is going at the same non - stop speed a little boy likes . There are problems in every one 's lives but on the whole , I 'm very proud of how my children have turned out . I realized why I had such a bad week - end . Last Thursday . , I had forgotten to take my medicine and it showed up Sat . and Sun . In fact I felt bad today and while I was getting the weeks meds ready , I took an extra dose . It worked and I have felt better . I have changed my routine a bit and forget to take the medicine at the right time . Now , I 'm putting a sign in the kitchen and bathrooms to remind me if I 've taken the meds . It 's somewhat scary what happens if I don 't get it on time . Went to exercise class today . It was okay . I could tell I needed it . Tomorrow , I 'm going to call the hospital and get an appointment with the dietitian to talk about the correct diet I need to be on . I 've forgotten how to cook since all we eat is beans ! Had a nail come off today so went back into town to get my nails done . I had gone to Wal - Mart earlier in the day . I got a couple of pull overs and a couple of pair of shorts . I 'm taking one pair of shorts back . I thought it was my right size but they are a bit too big . I need to shop at Goodies for a while . Maybe I 'll find something that fits right . I do want to loose 5 lbs . , so maybe I should wait to see if I can before I buy anymore . It got up to 75 degrees today . The grass ( or weeds ) need cutting . I have weeds where I want flowers to be . The wasps are flying around looking for a home and I ran into a spider web when I walked out to get the mail ! This has been a great Conference ! I have cried my eyes out all week - end . Hopefully , it 's been spiritual tears ! I feed Danny Boy and the two cats for the last time today . I 'm glad it 's over . I 'm glad I could help Maryleen out so she could go see her daughter out west . I made one card today . It was in spring - like colors . I 've been so unhappy today . I don 't know what I want to do . There must be more in life than staying home and doing nothing . I 'd like to get my knee replaced , but I know it will be painful and I don 't want to face that . You have to go through the bad to get to the good . It might be that I need to be doing genealogy but I don 't want to . I would have to go back to the Windows computer and I hate it ! Am I being like Jonah ! Good thing we 're not close to any water . I must be having a giant pity party . If that 's true , good - by . It stopped raining this morning , so I didn 't have to swim to feed the horse and cats . Got back home in time to watch the first session of conference . I got more out of the 2nd session . I thought it was Sunday already I had such a spiritual feeling ! I 've make 6 - 8 more Christmas cards . I need to get more plastic shoe boxes to hold all my stash . Yes , Trudy , I 'm using my Crop - A Dile . It 's easy . I can show you how to do it ( me showing you for a change ! ) . I made some pretty blue Christmas cards that were plain on the outside , so I 've been putting eyelets on them . I think that 's what they are called . I had a Stampin ' Up card party for today but it was canceled due to a death in one of the ladies ' family . That was good not to have the party , because then I could stay home and watch conference . Dad taped it so I would have watched it anyway . Our grass is getting long ( actually it 's probably all weeds , but they are green and they look like grass ) . Dad says he 's watching it ( that 's how we get our kicks , watching the grass grow ! ) . I 'll be glad when it dries out so I can go scratch around in the yard some . Mary Kate talked me out of going on the Kay Sheppard diet again . She suggested talking to a dietitian at the Wellness Ctr . about what I should be eating . I have no structure in my food life . The only thing I like to eat begins with an S and has eets in between ! I called the Wellness Ctr . today and asked about talking to someone and the girl said any one of the trainers in the main place could help me . So , Mon . , after Silver Sneakers , I 'll go find someone who will talk with me . Watch out world , here I come ! I knew a storm was coming this morning so I went down and fed the animals before it came . And it did come ! Nothing was damaged here but things were blown around in other areas of the valley . It 's been raining hard all day . I went into town to the Post Office to mail a couple of packages and then on the way home I stopped to feed the animals . The road to the barn was almost a river . In the barn , the rain sounded even louder ! On the way home from the barn , I had to stop and get the garbage can out of the ditch , all this time the rain was still coming down . Finally I got into the house , I felt like an old wet hen . Yesterday afternoon , Karen came by and got me and we met Bro . Merrell and Bro . Mitchell at the church and we drove to the temple . At first , I had forgotten that it was temple day . Karen called and she was wishy - washy about going so I said , " Let 's go ! " and we did and had a marvelous time . I had found 5 cards that needed sealing to parents on them and got them done , thanks to Bros . Merrill and Mitchell . Got home at 11 : 30 PM . Slept ' til 12 : 00 noon . Hated to get out in the rain but had to do something worthwhile today . I finally got the big book from the University of Alabama I had ordered . I found my name and my brothers name in it but none of my ancestors names in it . When I ordered it , I thought it went back to 1925 at least . I was stupid to order it . That 's my one mistake I can make this year ! One big crimson mistake ! I had to go feed Maryleen " s horse and cats this morning , and them at 9 : 00 AM I was off to Wat - Mart to get some groceries . Then , I came home and in an hour , dad and I were off to Madison to see Dr . Morgan . I sat in the waiting room for more than an hour and then we had to go downstairs for a lab visit . After that , we almost drove into H ' ville to this place called MegaBits . He got a replacement ham radio . His old one is not good and he participates in a MARA net talk each Sun . where several men get on their ham radios and talk . He got a good one that will last forever . Brenda Adams requested a birthday card for her grandson , Dage , who is turning 12 yrs . old tomorrow . I had already made several children 's b ' day cards , so I just personalized it by putting , " to Dage " on the inside under Happy Birthday . Brenda said she liked it . I told her to give me a list of her birthday people and I can customize the cards . We can never repay all the work they are doing in our woods so I like to help out with the card , especially since she likes them ! I didn 't go to the exercise class this morning because I had too many other things to do . I know I 've walked a mile today . I sure feel like it . I didn 't throw the roast I cooked yesterday away , even though dad won 't eat any of it . I put it in the freezer for when one of the kids come over ! Around 4 : 00 PM , I got hungry but I was making cards so I didn 't go get something to eat . At 5 : 00 PM , I was really hungry ! I had cooked some brown rice in the rice cooker and I remembered how flavorful the roast was , so I got it out of the freezer and nuked it until I could scrape enough off to go on top of my rice . It was good and I woofed it down . Dad had rice , beans , and a little corn . I took 3 / 4 lb . of margarine and a big container of Spring salad greens to my neighbor , Brenda . I had bought the greens at Sam 's but didn 't realize the container would feed about 50 , so after two salads , I knew I needed to give them away before they went bad . I took two cards I had made today too . One card had " smile " or " hello " on the outside and the other one just had flowers on the front and was blank on the inside . I asked Brenda which one she liked best and she said she liked a saying on the front . Now I 'll know what to fix for her . Kathy said she liked the blank ones so she could put her own verse or saying in it . I 'm about ready to start making Christmas cards again . While I was at Brenda 's house , she asked me if I would like some of her homemade candy as she put a covered metal container near me . As I was about to get some candy , she flipped the lid off the container and a black rat jumped up ! Not a real rat , just a plastic one , but I think I jumped ! She said her cousin Nancy was afraid of rats and they were going to be at a family gathering tonight , and she was going to offer Nancy some of her homemade " candy " ! I can almost hear Nancy scream now ! I once put a grey plastic rat in the jar of peanut butter to " get " my husband . He opened the jar and there was a rat staring him in the face ! Ha - Ha ! I really got him then ! He doesn 't like me to have any plastic bugs , snakes or mice because he knows I 'll try to " get " him , and I will ! I 'm a graduate of the University of Alabama , class of ' 66 . I majored in music , piano and organ . I taught private piano lessons in Tuscaloosa for a year and then got a teaching job in Key West , FL . There I met my husband , Frank and four months later we were married . Have lived in Athens , AL since 1976 . My children grew up in Athens . My husband is bedridden now so I add the title of care taker to the title of homemaker . I never wanted to work outside the home . I enjoyed gardening until I got breast cancer in 2002 . I 'm not able to do much garden work now , and I miss it . I enjoy going to the Wellness Ctr . to exercise . I enjoy making greeting cards and usually make a card or two each day . I love getting together with my daughters , Trudy and Mary Kate and my grandchildren . My son , Frank , lives in Knoxville , TN , so I don 't see him often . He has 4 children . I enjoy being a grandmother . please keep it in order to retain your counter functionality Insurance quotes are the way to start looking for insurance . simply by putting attention to website offerring allstate insurance the purchace process can be optimized . The poor man died with a big collection of poor insurance quotes . free counter

OK , I have two favorite commercials . My first favorite is a Dr . Pepper commercial set to the song " I Would Do Anything For Love . " If anyone wants to find it . Leave a comment and let me know . My other favorite is this Aiwa Sound commercial . I hope you like Queen . Due to technical difficulties , the my rotten nature to procrastinate , and the nasty weather that made our flight get cancelled yesterday , I need to write an appology . I wrote a blog post awhile ago where I was willing to swap with people for a gift made just for them . It was supposed to be sent by the end of the year , but those items will have to wait until after the New Year to come . I will have each of them to you by Jan 31st . I 'm truly sorry , and I know that I 'm an enormous slacker . Good luck . I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and has a Happy New Year . I am a master procrastinator . I can procrastinate until pretty much the last minute and then be able to pull off a beautiful project . When I put my mind to something , I am able to accomplish amazing feats in not very much time . I think it may have something to do with the fact that I 'm either an ENFP or an ENTP . Every time I 've taken the tests , the F and T are tied . What this gives me is the amazing ability to see a project and a way to finish it and lots of energy to get it done . I 'm not sure energy is the right word . Maybe it 's lots of adrenaline to get it done as long as the timing is down to the wire . Saturday of this week rolled around , and my Christmas tree was still in the attic . Because I couldn 't face having to drag it down and then try to keep Daniel out of it for the rest of this week while I have been trying to pack , wrap presents , and got sidetracked by various other activities , my Christmas tree is still in the attic . We did decorate a Christmas tree Saturday night though . Here are some pictures . It 's made out of poster board . Due to technical difficulties , you only get one . However , it 's the best of all of them except for the pictures with the kids too . Merry Christmas to all , and to all a good - night Most people who know me know that one of my main goals in life has always been to go to law school . Just a heads up to the world . . . I am in the process of applying . The kids and I used the Pumpkin carving kits for the first time this year . Our pumpkins turned out pretty cute . The scoops work way better than a spoon . The little tiny saws make little cuts possible . I liked it . Here are our results . OK , so I have read from many people that wrapping your baby on your back was not only possible , but quite easy . I have not found that to be the case . However , I have successfully put my baby on my back several times . I don 't feel very comfortable though . Here is a picture ( it 's crummy because I took it in the mirror ) of Daniel on my back . He doesn 't want to keep his arms in the fabric , and I have a hard time keeping it tight enough all the way around . So here is my all around idea on a sling . I 'm still planning on posting pictures of me wearing the different styles of homemade carriers , and showing the beauties of them . However , for now , this will have to do . Mei - Tai : This sling is wonderful , but wearing the baby on the front , facing out is more difficult . You can do it , but just not for long periods of time . However , this one is awesome if you want to put the baby on your back . It distributes the weight on to both shoulders , your back , and your waist . It 's like giving the baby a piggy back ride but without you having to use your arms . I can carry my baby quite comfortably this way for several hours . Wrap : I have tried three different wraps . I have tried a 5 yard knit wrap , a 5 1 / 2 yard knit wrap , and a 5 1 / 2 yard woven wrap . The bigger the child gets , the easier it is to use a woven wrap . The woven wrap seems to me to hold more if the weight of the child . The knit wraps are easier if you want to be able to take the child in and out . The 5 1 / 2 yard wrap is more versatile , but in the end , if you don 't mind tying in the back , the 5 yard wrap is easier to deal with . The tails don 't seem to go on the ground as much . This wrap is wonderful for any of the front hold carries , but I have not yet found a comfortable way to put the baby on my back for a long time . I think it may just be that I need to do some more adjusting with certian parts of it , but it is still time consuming , and I would rather not spend the time when the Mei tai works quickly . I am very ashamed that it has been more than a month since I posted . This is part of the way I journal , so it 's yucky that I have been so remiss in this . Things that happened since my last post . - - Several people I know have had babies : Congrats to Marth and Brian , Amber and Eli , and Kim and Allen . - - We went to El Paso to see my friend Wanda . It was wonderful and exciting . I want to go again . - - We have been sick off and on all month . - - My house looks like a Tornado hit it . I hope that Child Services does NOT come to see me any time soon . Here are some pictures of my little family . We quit before we could get a great one , so here are all of our attempts . We turned the timer on the camera and tried it . This is probably the best one but you can see why I don 't post pictures of us much . Eight years ago , I remember walking into my dorm at Snow College and seeing a whole passel of girls sitting in the foyer with the TV on . I was coming from my 7 : 30 class , and I thought , what 's going on ? No one watches TV at this time of day . When I got to the door to my apartment , there was a note on the white board from my friend Leah , who lived down the hall . " Ellie , turn on the TV " immediately , I thought , which channel ? But I turned on the TV , and it didn 't really matter which channel it was on , a plane had flown into the World Trade center . Right then , I saw the other plane hit the other tower . I stood there , in shock , watching and waiting for a little while . Then , I changed out of my PE clothes and walked to my Music Theory class . We didn 't have any homework that day , and a couple of teachers canceled class for the rest of the week . One thing I remember is how it brought our country together . We were one nation . under God . Now , thinking that it has only been eight years , I wonder how quickly we have forgotten and started fighting with each other . Well , in memory of the men and women who died in the buildings , on the planes , and in the process of saving lives , please take a moment of silence . In thanks to the U . S . Armed forces , please take another moment of silence . For the men and women who died , for the men and women who sacrifice the time with their families , and for the men and women who stay here and lay the groundwork so others can have a better chance at living . Everyone loves to see pictures of the kids . So here are some . I 'm writing this while I should be at Wal - mart . But in procrastinating taking both of the boys to Wally World , I 'm downloading pictures of my kids from my camera . Here are the their new haircuts . Rob and I did Ben 's together , and then I did Jackie 's . Ben 's cut isn 't even but at least it isn 't in his eyes anymore . She cut her own hair , hoping to get to go to the beauty shop and have it fixed . I figured that it was a good time to learn how myself . It isn 't great but not too bad . It isn 't any shorter than she did herself . So , the long and short of it is that even my email is getting behind . I have 50 unread , important messages in my inbox . This is after I weeded through the unmentional amount of SPAM I had in there previously and read and responded to the things that were most urgent . I haven 't read anyone 's blog yet this month . I 'm really looking forward to going down the blog rolls and looking at people 's blogs . So , a brief recap of our week . I spent the first half of it cleaning relentlessly because we were all so excited for Rob 's parents to come and visit . Then , Thursday , while Rob hadn 't yet gotten home from the 2 1 / 2 minute drive to take Jackie to school ( she missed the bus ) the school called and told me that she threw up in the hallway , and would I please come and get her ? So I gathered her up a new change of clothes and walked out to meet Rob . I walked in and my poor girl was sitting on the potty with a puddle of up - chuck ( as my mom likes to call it ) at her feet . I felt so bad for the girl . It was coming out both sides at the same time . Well , that disease RAN it 's course through our whole family , so I couldn 't keep cleaning my house . In downsizing our home , we have given up a spare bedroom . Therefore , I was planning on having Rob 's parents sleep in my bedroom . Due to cleaning up throw up and runny poops Thursday and Friday , I didn 't get a chance to clean my bedroom . Jackie 's room was beautifully clean , so I put my in - laws in her room . My poor parent 's in - law . Right after we picked them up from the airport on Saturday , I came down with it . I felt so sick that all I did was hang out in my room , sleep , and use the bathroom for one purpose or another ever 10 minutes or so . So , they didn 't come home to the lovely house I imagined or a cute bedroom of mine . We were so looking forward to this visit ever since they planned it . ( Which means within days of moving here . ) However , poor Mom - in - law is sick ON THE PLANE . Poor wooman . I love that woman . So , now , I put them back on the plane this morning , dealt with sad kiddos , and I am finPosted by Still not doing so well with the posting . I need to just sit down and write about 1o posts at a time and schedule them for one day and then the next , so you get all the news , and I get my events posted . However , not knowing if I will or not , I definitely make no promises . So , for this post , I 'm going to put two of my favorite pictures I 've taken recently . When we were packing up and moving out of our rental house , the kids were outside blowing bubbles . I hadn 't mowed the lawn in a long time , and they weren 't popping immediately . The children had all sorts of fun blowing bubbles that day . As we 're in our new house and hanging our pictures again , I 'm reminded of some of my very favorite pictures that I 've ever taken . These two are some of my very favorites . So , I 'm hoping to get to take some more really awesome ones , but now that I have my SLR out of storage , I can 't find the battery charger . So as soon as I get all of that figured out , I will be able to use my SLR to take pictures again . I 'm looking forward to that . So , it 's almost been another month since I posted . I have a TON of posts that I want to write about . Therefore , I 'm going to start with some of the most current ones and then go backwards . I hope to have a post every day for the next two weeks from things that have happened the last two months . I finally got my pictures downloaded to the computer . Here 's a picture tour of my family reunion . I LOVE my family ! Two of my nieces out by Newspaper Rock in Canyonlands National ParkTwo more of my nieces right in front of my mama 's beautiful baby grand . Aren 't they gorgeous ? Blue Mountain you 're azure deep . Blue Mountain with sides so steep . Blue Mountain with horse head on your side , you have won my love to keep . Can you find the horse head in this picture ? My family from my parents on down . Minus a few people . I 'll treasure this picture for ever ! OK , I know that no one thought this would be my first post once we got settled , and we mostly are , but I saw this on an email and I 'm still utterly shocked . Anyone want this Jeep ? ? ? http : / / www . ksl . com / index . php ? nid = 218 & ad = 7010177 & cat = 264I 'm hoping to download my pictures and do a slew of posts , scheduling them to post for several consecutive days once we get our internet here hooked up . Then for anyone who knows where it is and will be in the area , we 're going to be in my home town for 10 days . Today , I 'm starting to seriously pack . Last night , I had my last marimba recital , so Rob and I decided that instead of unpacking the marimba to put it back up and take up space in my living room ( since I will not have time to play it ) , we just left it in pieces all wrapped up in blankets in the van . The van is now sitting in Mom and Dad R 's garage for two weeks until we can move . We also now have room in our living room to stack boxes . That one 8 1 / 2 piece of furniture sure takes up some space . So , we 're seriously packing . I have some great pictures of a wedding that we went to this weekend , and an awesome picture I want to share of some bubbles . . . But that will probably have to wait until we are driving down the road , and I can download the pictures onto my laptop . Then , we will have some picture mania on the blog , I think . However , Rob already shared the brick picture of the house . If you want to see our house all covered in brick , go to this link . We got a very important phone call yesterday . Our house has a completion date . Three weeks from yesterday . We are leaving this house sometime around the 21st of June , and we should be able to close on our new house on the 25th of July . We can move in immediately after closing ! ! ! YIPPEE ! We 're also thinking of maybe going to Disney World one more time while we still live this close . So in the next two weeks , don 't expect very many posts . I may have to post to keep my sanity , but we 'll see . So , we 're starting to get very excited , and at the same time , I 'm starting to get slightly apprehensive . OK , if you notice the new addition to the right hand side of my blog , you 'll notice that I have changed the style of my blog roll . If you know that I read your blog , and you aren 't on there , I would like you to be . Please comment at the bottom and leave your link , so I can add you . It takes time to go surfing through all of my friends ' blogs to find your links periodically . If you aren 't here , and you want to be , you probably belong in group number one , so please comment here , and leave your link so I can add you . : ) If you don 't want to be on the side , and you want me to remove you , I will , but it will really cause me pain , so please mail me cookies to take the edge off . : ) This new method is exciting . It lets me know when people actually post , so I know when to go looking and when going to the blog to see the same post that has been there for three weeks ( I know , I 'm just about the only person that does that ) is a waste of time . Thanks ! * Disclaimer : If you 're an animal rights activist or a person who loves all animals equally , or a person who loves mice and thinks they 're adorable , cute creatures , this post is not for you . Please don 't read it . I mean it . Honestly , I don 't want your advice on this one , and this post may make you angry , so just do yourself a favor and skip this one . * Mice . On Cinderella , they 're these cute little creatures that wear clothes , help clean and sew a dress . In real life , they 're creatures who take over your house , poop everywhere , and walk all over your clean dishes . I 'm still not over the slow cooker incident . I 'm not sure if I shared it on here or not , but for those curious people , I will write a shortened version in this post . One night , very soon after we moved into this house from Mom - in - law 's house , knew we had mice . I worked really hard to put all of our food into plastic , airtight containers , ( I mean , $ 150 worth of plastic containers hard ) cleaned my kitchen to where I could not see a speck of food out of place , and vacuumed my living room until I thought my arms were going to fall off . The only problem was that I as I was scrubbing my slow cooker , I couldn 't get all of the stuck on food off . I tried . Really I did . I scrubbed and scrubbed at that thing , but sometimes , all scrubbing is useless unless you let the water do the job of softening it up over night . So , I filled up the slow cooker bowl with water , put some detergent in it , left it in the sink , and went to bed . The next day , I picked it up to dump out the water , and as the soap suds poured down the drain , there , floating in the water was a dead mouse . Yes . Dead Mouse . AAAAHHHHHCCCC . Rob swears that when I saw it and screamed , I also jumped at least 2 feet off the ground when I jumped backward . Knowing myself , I probably did . So , with the slow cooker incident in the back of your mind , know that I sticky traps and mice cubes all over my house . I don 't have the kind that snap shut only because I don 't want one of my kids to find one and have it snap on thePosted by OK , so this is completely opinion based , but this is a picture of my friend Amber while we were at her house . We went to Warner Robbins to see the air show a few weeks back , and I finally got the pictures downloaded to my computer . Here is a picture of Daniel sleeping on Amber . She was lying on the couch with Daniel on her chest and he scooted up there all by himself . She was awesome about it too . She just laid as still as she could . Posted by So , I had a wonderful , Medela Pump In Style , and I loved it . However , I don 't know how , but it somehow ended up in storage . I thought it was in one specific box where I told Rob to put it , but when I pulled out that box after Daniel got here , the pump is not in it . It 's gone . GONE ! Well , I love my friend at Life As Lou . I won a breastpump ! It 's one of Evenflo 's new double electric pumps and it 's BPA free ! That 's right friends , Evenflo has created a BPA free breast pump , and I 'm doing another happy dance . Thanks Lou ! ! ! So , not very much later , and look at my house again ! Yippee yippee yippee . Yes , this is me doing the happy dance . Check it out ! OK , the picture is not of me doing a happy dance , it 's of the front of my house . The roof is finished , garage door inserted , and look at my beautiful Bay window ! ! ! The inside is moving right along , too , but I 'm not planning on posting the rest of my pictures , I want it to work . : ) For all Mom 's reading this , I hope you had a wonderful Mother 's Day yesterday . I did . I have been promising to post this post for a while , but here it is . Our house is completely framed . Here is the picture of it so far . I know that there 's a once per week goal . I have several pictures downloaded , but lately , I have had a hard time getting them downloaded to my blog . My internet connection has been pretty crazy . I have pictures of this , but since I 'm afraid to try to put them on my blog , I 'm just going to write about our time in Warner Robins . We went to the air show at Warner Robins this week . It was so much fun . Thanks to our friend Amber for inviting us ! We had such a great time . We left Friday after Rob got off work , and we got to Warner Robins about 9 . We wanted to play games , but the kids didn 't go to bed until late . The next morning , we left for the air show around 10 , but it took us longer to get on base and to the place . The coolest thing about the air show was getting to walk through the planes . They had a C130 that when I called my dad about it , he said he had ridden in one when he was in the air force . I loved seeing how it might have been for Dad a little bit . The kids really loved getting on the airplane and taking pictures . Jackie and Ben both took pictures , and it they turned out great . We also got to see a bi - plane doing stunts . It was incredible . I was so glad to see this . Daniel didn 't like the noise very much . ( Read : as soon as the jets started , he started screaming until we left . ) So we left about noon . But the kids had a ton of fun playing outside in Amber 's backyard with her sidewalk chalk and running through her sprinkler . They loved it . They got so tired that they fell asleep in the car on the way to dinner , so we just got Japanese food and took it back home . However , they did wake up as soon as we got home , so when we put them to bed at bedtime , they didn 't go to sleep . Instead , they found the sunscreen in our suitcase and smeared it on Amber 's walls . Instead of church Sunday morning , Amber took me to Wal - mart to get paint supplies so I could repaint her walls . If these had been my walls , I would have waited , but I couldn 't just go home and leave her house with the damage all over her walls . So a great biPosted by Children : The Challenge by Rudolf Driekurs is an excellent book . I highly highly highly recommend it . If you are a parent with children under 10 , and you are constantly in one power struggle or another with your child ( ren ) then this is a book for you . I mean it ! I have rarely , if ever , spent time that I thought was more quality while reading a book than the time I spent reading this book . OK , OK , so the scriptures don 't count . But seriously , folks , this book ROCKS . It Rocks so much that I immediately bought three copies ( I only meant to buy two , but when I accidentally bought three I did NOT send the third one back . ) At the suggestion of my excellent mother , I borrowed this book . My Mom - in - law happened to have it . I 'm very grateful that she did since my copies from Amazon took a little longer than usual since , in my exhaustion , I forgot to change my shipping address from my old house ( which we no longer own . ) However , I borrowed this book , and I could not put it down . There are so many good ideas in it . I am loving the ideas . This book gave me such a sense of empowerment that I could again be the leader of my household . I need to work harder at taking my sails out of my children 's wind , but at the same time , I am going to work to leave the power struggles behind . There are some ideas that the book shares that I don 't like , but at the same time , the idea behind this book is to raise the child with respect . Teach the children respect for you , each other , and order . At the same time , I have gained more respect for Robert , my children , and order . If you know me at all , you know that giving me a respect for order is like trying to teach a bird to swim . So , helping me gain a more healthy respect for order is beautiful too . I love this book . Here is a link . OK , so I have some really great ideas about some parenting posts that I want to do , and I have another post about conventional potty training ( which , after ECing Jackie and working with Ben to potty train ( because he isn 't potty trained yet ) ) instead , I 'm writing a post about Facebook . I know , strange , crazy , and probably stupid , but I think that many of my friends out in internet land have some good ideas on this one , so I 'm hoping that you can help me . I have some close friends who have a Facebook account , so I signed up mostly just to keep up with those friends and to play some of the games that you can play . However , I am finding that it 's an incredible way to find out what some people , about whom I have been mildy curious to find out what has gone on with them , are doing with their lives . Like I said , I have added several of my close friends to my friends list , and I 've added as many of my family members as I can find . However , here 's the quandry : If I really want to find out about these people , ( some of them are truly awesome specimens of human souls ) do I just go try to add them simply because they have previously been an aquaintance of mine who I just admired from a far ? Or do I just go on with life wondering about them ? Now , I know that sounds really stupid , and you 're probably thinking , " Why do I care who you put on your facebook list ? " But really , I want to know the opinions of people . I grew up in a tiny town where everyone knows everyone , and my parents still live there . New travels at about twice the speed of light there , so I don 't really want to annoy anyone . I 've been a big enough annoyance in that town for quite some time . I 'm also finding that , although I admired these people , I think that they were either indifferent to me ( which is hopeful ) or truly bugged by me , so if I try to add them to my facebook as a friend , I 'm wondering if I will get some messages back saying , " Why in the world would I want to add you to my facebook page ? Crazy . Go away and leave me alone . " So in the end , I 'm sitting hPosted by My friend Katie does a Hero of the week on her blog each Monday . I have been wanting to do this one since she started this . My hero in my life is my dad . I have yet to meet anyone with more patience in life than my father . Also , in his fight with cancer , I have not heard a single complaint from him . Really , not one . I have been so blessed to grow up with my dad for a father . I can only remember one spanking while I was growing up . My father heard me swear at my mother . I deserved it . My dad was always there to listen when I had a question for him , and he is always good about really listening . He gets through to the heart of the problem . He also never lets others treat him unkindly either . He has found the balance . So , here 's to my dad . This is short because I am planning on writing him a hand written letter , and I don 't want to forget something important in it . Lucky you ! I saw this on my sister - in - law 's and cousins ' blog and wanted her to make me something bad enough to post the same offer here . Here 's how it works ! The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me ! My choice . For you . This offer does , however , have some restrictions and limitations . . . 1 . I make no guarantees that you will like what I make ! 2 . What I create will be just for you . 3 . It 'll be done this year . 4 . You will have no clue what it 's going to be . It may be a story . It may be poetry or maybe even some creation I haven 't even invented yet ( but Heaven knows it will most likely be totally fabulous and creative . . . : ) . I may draw or paint something . I may bake you something and mail it to you . Who knows ? Not you , that 's for sure ! ( I know you 're all hoping I 'll paint you a picture or write you a poem . Too bad . . . you can 't make requests ! ) 5 . I reserve the right to do something extremely strange . ( Not intentionally strange , but you may label it that way ) The catch ? Oh , the catch is that you must re - post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog . The first 5 people to do so ( and leave a comment telling me they did ) win a FAB - U - LOUS homemade gift by me ! ( If you don 't have a blog , you can still leave a comment and win . . . we 'll work something out . Maybe you 'll just have to give all 5 of your homemade gifts to me ! Sounds fair , right ? ) Oh , and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it ! What with one thing and another , I just realized today that I missed my blogversary . It was in February , and since we were on our trip out west , it completely escaped my mind . Then , : yesterday was my birthday . It was a very busy day . Just a note : Don 't ever start out your birthday with a visit to the Dentist . First , I got up late . Jackie has to be to school by 8 , but no one in our house woke up until 7 : 50 . I woke up at 7 : 50 , realized that Jackie had to go to school , and I needed to be at the dentist 's office at 8 : 15 , and then got going . I woke Jackie up , found her some clothes , and then found some for me . It was 8 : 00 by the time we were out the door . I 'm actually pretty proud of that . Jackie even had some cereal to eat on the way . . . Four minutes of dry cereal does not a breakfast make , but it was the best we could do under the circumstances . I ran her into her classroom and then ran back out to the car . I pulled into the dentist 's office at 8 : 17 . So , I found out something interesting . Did you know that stomach acid can tear apart dental filling composit ? Appearantly , when I was pregnant with Daniel , my morning sickness tore apart the fillings I already had in my mouth . So , now , I have 14 cavities to have filled . 14 ! Do you know what that costs without dental insurance ? 14 cavities ! ! ! ! ! ! ! $ 2 , 212 and some change . So , Happy Birthday to me . However , I did get two birthday celebrations yesterday , so by the time I had eaten cake at story time and fondue at supper , I felt much better about my B - day . A little chocolate fondue makes me feel lots better . Chocolate fondue with marshmallows , strawberries , bananas , rice crispy treats , and cheesecake to dip in it . YUMMY ! Anyway , I feel much better today after a night 's sleep on a stomach filled by The Melting Pot . If you ever have a very special occasion that gets ruined in the morning . A meal at The Melting Pot is the way to fix it . I have to post a great big sorry to my faithful readers for not posting for more than two full weeks . However , I was out west for most of that , and I did have a great trip . I hope to post all about the trip sometime this week . However , I have a TON of catching up to do on grading papers for my two online algebra classes , so please cut me some slack . On our way home from our trip , we stopped at a mall food court to eat lunch . I think this one was maybe in Albuquerque , NM ? ( The question mark is not for how to spell Albuquerque , it 's more a question of where the stops were . After 60 + hours in the car , stops all sort of run together . ) We were sitting in the food court eating lunch , and Jackie pointed to the store and said , " Hot dog ! That store says hot dog ! " We had ordered Jackie a lemonade from this store , but at the same time , I had not told her what the store was called . She is starting to understand the idea that letters stand for sounds and those sounds make up the words . She knows which sound each letter makes , but as a whole she does not ' sound out ' words . In this case though , she had sounded out the words and had an epiphany . She is right on the verge of completely opening up and reading , and I 'm very excited for her . Here is a picture of the store . Posted by Disclaimer : If any of you live in Amarillo and / or have strong positive feelings for this town , please skip this post and come back a different time . My previous post about the time on Ben 's watch never changing ended with the comment , " They must be in Amarillo . " If you are curious about Amarillo , please be assured that the idea of time never changing in Amarillo is not an understatement . About five years ago , Rob and I , with my friend Tracy , were getting ready to move across the country , and we wanted to close on our house , so we started driving from Idaho to Georgia . Since it was January , we decided to go south through New Mexico , across Texas , Louisiana , Mississippi , and Alabama . The first night , we stopped to stay with my brother , who at the time lived in Albuquerque , NM . Then , the second night , we drove into Amarillo , TX . As we drove up , we looked at the clock in our car , and it was just turning 8 : 00 . Rob went into the hotel to check in . While in there , he asked the receptionist " What is there to do in Amarillo ? " " Nothing , " replied the receptionist . " Isn 't there a mall or something ? " " Yeah , there 's a mall , but it 's closing right now . " ( We had forgotten about the time change . ) " Isn 't there some sort of park or movie theater ? " " Well , there 's a bar about a mile away with pool tables . " " Isn 't there anything else ? " " Nope . " So Rob comes out to the car , and I asked him if there was anything to do . He says , " Nope . " And he related the above conversation . So we go into our room and watch whatever happened to be on TV . Since it was January , we couldn 't even swim in the hotel swimming pool . The next morning , we wanted to get an early start , so we left the hotel around 6 am . As we looked around for someplace to eat , the only place open seemed to be McDonalds . We walked in and up to the counter to order . " You 're up early on a Saturday , " said the girl behind the counter . " It 's Tuesday , miss . " Appearently , Amarillo is the type of town where it 's always Saturday , and there 's nothing to do . When we told my family this story in our wPosted by Ben came to me and said , " Mama , put on my watch . " ( Mind you , this isn 't really a watch , it 's a pink bracelet that straps on like a watch , has a heart on the fron with a unicorn inside it and three tiny metal balls that the wearer is suppoed to try to get in holes . ) He then proceeded down the hall triumphanly calling out to his sister , " Jackie I have on my watch ! " Jackie sees the watch and says , " Ben is that your watch ? " " Yeah , I got my watch . " " What time is it ? " " It 's 7 : 00 . " ( I have no idea what the significance of 7 : 00 is BTW ) " It 's 7 : 00 Ben ? " " Yeah , it 's 7 : 00 . " About 45 seconds later . . . " Ben , what time is it ? " " It 's 7 : 00 Jackie . " " It was 7 : 00 last time . Isn 't it 8 : 00 now ? " " No Jackie , it 's 7 : 00 . " I overheard the conversation and repeated it to Rob . He said , " Ben 's smart , he knows that time doesn 't move that fast . " But about 5 or 10 minutes later , Ben 's ' watch ' must have fallen off because he came back to get me to put it on again . Again , he runs down the hallway saying , " Jackie , I got my watch . " " What time is it ? " " It 's 7 : 00 " " It has to be 8 : 00 now because it 's been a long time since I asked . " " Nope , it 's 7 : 00 " So I commented to Rob , " They must be in Amarillo . " I know that the above is true , and for the first three months , I probably ought to post at least onepicture of Daniel per week so all of his aunts and uncles along with his maternal grandparents can keep track of what he looks like but honestly , that entails dowloading pictures off my camera once a week . At this point , I am completely swamped and exhausted , ( Did I think I was tired with seminary before the baby was born ? ? ? ) and I can 't seem to think straight let alone make it to places on time . Also , I start teaching two online courses for an online school on Monday . With setting them up , I 'm not sure when I 'll get sleep . At least I will have fun in the process , right ? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . Now that the baby is exactly two weeks old , I have had the chance to try out my wraps with him . I have to say that I LOVE them . I love them bunches . I have tried out both the woven wrap and the knit wrap , and they both have their pros and cons . I with the little baby , I like the stretchy wrap better , but I think that as he gets bigger , I will like the woven one better . I like the cradle hold in the woven one better than the cradle hold in the stretchy one because as I keep wearing it , he starts to fall in the stretchy one , but with the hug hold , I like the stretchy one better mostly because once he is in , it 's easier to move him around and nurse him . I have successfully fed him in the wrap while walking through a restaraunt , and you couldn 't tell . I 'm VERY excited . So , for nursing and the versatility , I highly recommend the wrap out of all of the different types of baby carriers that I have tried . However , for the ease of putting it on and the versatility , I still vote for the Mei Tai . But for the ease of taking it with you and for the speed of putting it on and the speed of putting in the child , I recommend a tube sling . So , mostly , for the next little while , I will use the wrap . I think that when the baby gets older though , I 'm going to put him in the Mei Tai more . It 's easier to put the baby on my back . Right now , I 'm worried about putting him on my back in the wrap . I think that I could do it in the Mei Tai . However , since my Mei Tai is in storage , I won 't be using it until Daniel is about six or seven months old . I 'm really missing it . : ( But I do love the wraps . They make life so much easier . I do like the tube sling too , mostly for the cradle hold . One big drawback to the wrap is that it 's so big ! It 's harder to fold up and put in the diaper bag . ( Five yards is a LOT of fabric . ) Another drawback to the wrap is that I can 't hold the baby and tie it on to begin with at the same time . It 's easy to do both with a tube sling , and it is hard but possible with the Mei Tai . So there you go , after a good chance to Posted by Our house is a whole new world after coming home from the hospital with Daniel than it was before we came . I think that I 'm feeling it a whole bunch more this time because I am minus my mother this time . With each of my other children , my mama was there when I came home from the hospital , and maybe she buffered some of the hardships for me and my children . This time though , it 's just my little family - - my husband , me , and my three children . I have noticed that since we 've been home , it seems like our life is all about relationships . I guess that I pictured that we would have to form a new relationship with the new baby , but at the same time , I am realizing how much it changes the relationships we have all formed . I 'm seeing that as Jackie and Ben form a relationship with the baby and as I take care of the baby , it also changes the relationship I have with them . They love the baby , but at the same time , it 's hard for them because it 's one more person to share my lap , and Daniel needs my lap more often than he doesn 't . Daniel is a very happy baby , but he loves to be held all the time . I 'm starting to get him to stay sleeping for short periods of time when I put him down , but there are more times than not that I can 't . I am working to hold the other kids more when I don 't have Daniel , and for Jackie , that is working out . My relationship with her has changed more though because I rely on her more . I know that she 's only four , but being four , she can do so many things . She is so happy to go get me a diaper , and she 's so happy to find the wipes . She 's happy to go get Ben 's hand and bring him back out of the bathroom while I 'm feeding Daniel . She loves to help , and I find myself relying on her more and more to be helpful . I 'm so grateful for her . Ben seems to be having the hardest time . He 's much more clingy . Today , he needed to climb onto my lap and just watch TV , and then he really needed to be held while I was trying to pour him some milk for breakfast . He 's having a hard time with Daniel , but Ben loves Daniel , and he Posted by Drum Roll Please . . . Now , if you aren 't patting your hands on your computer table or lap , please do so now . Introducing Daniel Ammon . 8 lbs 2 oz , 19 . 9 inches long , born Jan . 7 , 2009 at 2 : 57 am ! Here are some pictures of my new cute little guy . I got some really great ones with Jackie holding him , too , but Ben doesn 't really want anything to do with him , so we 'll see how that goes . Happy looking ! Posted by So , this is part one of my birth story for this little guy . Right now , it is 11 : 55 pm on January 6 , and I have an epidural , cathetar , and IV inserted . I also have some internal monitors because had a C - section with Jackie . I am , however , very comfortable , and I 'm thinking of going to sleep , but I just wanted to get the story down up to this point first , and then we should have some pretty exciting news in a couple of hours . I think that I 'll wait until a slow time tomorrow though before I write about anything interesting . . . Like the baby 's details . This morning , I went in for a routine OB appointment with the midwife , and I had been having a lot of lower back pain and contractions . I got in , and I was dilated to 4 cm . I was stoked because at my previous appointment , I had only been at a 1 . I asked her if she would strip my membranes , and she did , and by the time I got home two hours later , I had had four pretty strong contractions . I started working to make sure that I had my bags packed and an overnight bag packed for the kids . I also got the carseat figured out and installed . Mostly , I just worked to get everything ready to take to the hospital . Around 4 this afternoon ( after a trip to Wal - mart because I realized that ALL of my receiving blankets and my little head rest thing that goes into the carseat to keep the baby 's head stable were in the storage unit . ) I went to go get Rob from work . We came back home and loaded the bags I had packed into the car , then we drove to the town with the hospital . We decided to eat a good dinner first before going into the Dr , and I 'm glad we did . I would have been starving by now . Then , we drove to the hospital and waited an hour for Triage to get a bed to be able to check me out . The midwife came in , and said , " How are we doing ? " The baby and I were fine , but the contractions that had been coming at 9 minute intervals suddenly stopped once I hit the triage bed . CRAZY ! When the midwife checked me though , she said that I was dilated to a 5 1 / 2 , and they admitted me to the hoPosted by Several people have asked me how I look pregnant and how big I am . Since I 'm thinking this is about as big as I 'm going to get , I had Rob take a picture of me , and I am posting it for your viewing curiousity . Since this is another picture of me , again , Mom , this one 's for you ! This is the all time best Burger King toy we 've ever gotten . It provided more than an hour of outside fun yesterday . Yes , people , where we live , on January 2 , it was 75 degrees outside yesterday afternoon . So , it was the perfect time to be playing outside . I was going to post a video of the fun , but I can 't make it work , so you 'll just have to do with the pictures . This one is of Ben right after he shot his off . I love his expression ! Robert helping Ben wind up . Again , look at Ben 's face ! Jackie standing on the back porch because then it has further to fall . This one 's for you mom . You are always wanting to see pictures of me , too , so Happy New Year ! I should have written this post at 4 : 30 am just before I decided to take a bath and a shower to try to relax , but I didn 't so I 'm writing it now because , I am feeling just as restless tonight . Last night , around 8 : 00 , I fell alseep only to wake up at 10 : 00 to help put Ben back to sleep . Once Ben went to sleep , I couldn 't . I put all of the new baby 's ( probably going to name him Daniel ) clothes in his new little plastic set of drawers and got my suitcase packed to go to the hospital . My lower back just hurt and my stomach felt tight . I was having quite a few Braxton Hicks , but they weren 't horrible . I just couldn 't relax . So finally , after cleaning and reading and reading and reading some more , at 4 : 30 , I decided to take a bath to try to relax . Then , I took a shower , and Jackie came into the bathroom and said , " Keep it down , Mom , I 'm trying to sleep ! " Once I got out of the shower , I went to lay on the floor by Jackie , so she could go back to sleep , and I finally fell asleep about 5 : 15 . So , I got to sleep last night from 8 - 10 and from 5 : 15 - 8 . . . I 'm feeling very restless again tonight . What should I do if I can 't fall asleep again ? I thought of so many great posts to write just before and throughout Christmas . However , because of the beauty of the season , I wanted to be hanging out with the kiddos instead of hanging out on my computer . So , the truth about blogging seems to be that when we have lots to blog about , that 's when we 're not at the computer doing it . When I have tons of time to blog , I can 't seem to think of the interesting things . I am hoping that sometime this week , I will sit down and write several posts and schedule them to post on different days . So in the end , I really hope to get some of the interesting stuff blogged about . On a happier note , Happy New Year ! It is now 2009 ! I 'm a stay at home mom who is happily married to the father of my two children . I have a daughter who will turn three in July and a son who was born in October . I hope to make my blog better and better as time goes by .

Way out in Arizona , a few miles from the desert reservations , Oldjohn and his five kids lived . His kids were all in their thirties , and Oldjohn hated them . They were failures , even Fatjohn who 'd only ever wanted to work at the gas station down the road , and they 'd lived with him their whole lives . They stole his whiskey , ate all his pension could buy , and ran off every woman he 'd had for the last fifteen years , starting with their mother . But they were too big for Oldjohn to whip anymore , so one day he decided to build a house that would be able to whip them for him and whip them good . He decided to build the house on the edge of his land next to the highway . It took him four months to collect enough scraps from woodpiles and abandoned houses , but Oldjohn was a good hater - the only thing he was good at - and kept at it until he had enough lumber and tin . The day Oldjohn went to build it , he brought with him heaps of old belts , coat - hangers , cut - off lengths of water - hose , tough branches , and everything else good for whipping children . All these Oldjohn hung inside the walls and put up in the attic as he built the house . Each still throbbed with the hurt of his children and with his disappointment in them , and he packed them in so thick that nothing could be inside the house without feeling their sting . For weeks he worked , and finally Oldjohn finished , clapped the dust off his hands , and went home . His kids were in the living room smashed together on the couch in front of the TV : Fatjohn , I ' mjohn , Meanjohn , Miranda , and Candace . The couch was broken down almost to the floor underneath them . Miller beer bottles rolled around their feet , and yellowed popcorn flakes were ground into the rug . They were watching a western . On the screen , Indians chased buffalo across the plains in Toyotas , the small trucks heaving up and down over potholes and hills , feathers whipping from the side mirrors . Miranda and I ' mjohn were ignoring the movie and playing cards . Oldjohn saw their dark hair and skin , their tall bodies , and remembered their mother . He stepped in front of the TV . " I 've built you all your own house by the highway , " Oldjohn said . " Now get the hell out . " His kids cheered and shouted , all talking at once and running back to their rooms . They filled laundry baskets and army duffel bags with everything they had , which wasn 't very much . I ' mjohn took the cards he and Miranda played with all the time , and Miranda took only the big bottles of shampoo and conditioner she needed for her long , thick hair . Meanjohn and Fatjohn helped each other carry the TV . Candace , last to leave , went to the pantry and measured out some dry beans , rice , and noodles into grocery sacks . She kissed Oldjohn on the cheek on her way out . As their voices receded down the hill , Oldjohn locked the door so that they couldn 't come back . He sat down alone and started drinking , rushing to the window when he thought he heard one of them outside , but there was never anyone there . The house was quiet , and for the first time in years he could hear the wind sobbing through the cracks around the windows and pushing through the crawlspace under his feet . He took one last hot swallow of whiskey and lay down on the couch . He stayed there for a long time , not knowing what else to do . The sun was hot and white , and Oldjohn 's children went squinting down the side of the hill to their new house beside the road . When they got to it , they huddled together in its ragged , ugly shadow . The house was tall and narrow with two floors . Its sides were mismatched planks of sand - scarred wood and irregular pieces of tin , flecked with rust and peeling back at the corners . I ' mjohn stepped onto the porch and took the doorknob in his hand . The others crowded around him . They swung the door open and looked inside . The house was as dry and dusty as a shipping crate . Besides the porch , there were two big rooms one on top of the other , a small kitchen , a bathroom , and an attic . There was no furniture at all inside . They decided I ' mjohn and Meanjohn would live upstairs and Miranda and Candace would live downstairs . They made Fatjohn stay in the attic . The five of them played cards the rest of the evening , grinning to each other because they now had their own house and wouldn 't have to fight with Oldjohn all the time . Then , after they became tired , they spread their blankets out on the floor and went to sleep . In their room , Miranda and Candace stayed up talking like they always did . Finally , Candace grew tired and started to say her prayers . Miranda kept interrupting her and changing the words : " Dear Lord , bless me , " Candace would say . " With a big man to warm my bed , " Miranda would finish . " Let us have the strength to withstand , " Candace would say . " His lovely body on top of ours , " Miranda would finish . They went on like this until Candace was too frustrated to pray , and Miranda was already dreaming of men . That night , Candace couldn 't get any rest . The house was so empty , she was sure she could hear everyone 's breath echoing off the walls . Every gasp , snort , and snore floated down the stairs and ricocheted around the room until it struck her in the ear and made her bolt up in bed . It went on like that for hours , until she couldn 't stand it anymore . Candace ran out of the house to find something to fill all that emptiness . While the others slept , she kept filling until morning . When everyone got up , no one could say anything for a while . There was a national park service picnic table in the living room . Road signs were tacked to the walls - their directions all confused - a charcoal grill was in the kitchen , a dismantled eighties model Ford truck was hung in pieces along the wall going up the staircase , sacks of gardening dirt were stacked in the corner , oranges were scattered over the floor , and Miranda found a duck in the closet . I ' mjohn even found a bicycle chained to the faucets in the bathtub and had to sit on it while he showered . " It 's like Christmas , " Fatjohn said . They heard someone pull up in the yard and went to the window to look . Candace parked a white Buick on the lawn next to three others . She got out , opened an umbrella to shade herself from the sun , and started walking back toward town to steal another . The four of them had a breakfast of the oranges and sat down at the picnic table to discuss what they should do . Fatjohn and Meanjohn insisted that there was nothing that could be done . She was their sister , after all , and wasn 't the house better now ? I ' mjohn could tell that Miranda was bothered by it , though . He followed her into the kitchen and helped her clean the grill to cook lunch . They whispered together as they scraped charred tinfoil off the grillwork and raked out the old coals . Finally , they decided what they should do . I ' mjohn walked up the hill to Oldjohn 's house . He didn 't try the door , but opened his old window and stepped through . I ' mjohn called the police department and told them that his sister had been stealing cars and where she 'd put them . As he hung up the phone , Oldjohn walked out of the bathroom . " You 're back , " Oldjohn said . Oldjohn nodded . He brought I ' mjohn into the kitchen and made him a cup of coffee . I ' mjohn thanked him for the coffee and told him about how much they were liking their new house . I ' mjohn finished his coffee and thanked his father again . He told him not to worry about them . He went back to the house with the TV remote , a cook - pot , and a new bottle of whiskey . The police had already taken away Candace and the cars by the time I ' mjohn got back . He and Miranda made lunch . Afterward , they sat at the table raising shots to their sister for most of the night and tried to trick the duck into drinking with them . The second morning , they all had a bastard of a headache , and everyone was quiet . Fatjohn locked the front door twice that morning , but every time he went back , it was unlocked again . He looked up at the house 's ill - joined walls and ceilings looming over him and locked the door a third time . He walked away for a minute , but when he came back , it was unlocked . The brass mouth of the lock , scratched all around from the teeth of keys , looked as surprised as he did . Fatjohn went to Miranda first and shouted at her , " Why do you keep unlocking the door ? " She covered her ears and told him to be quiet , that she hadn 't touched a door all morning . Then he went to his brothers and shouted at them , " Who keeps unlocking the door ? " They yelled and threw their shoes at him , told him to get the hell out . But it only got worse . All morning , Fatjohn went along locking doors behind him and finding them unlocked as soon as he turned his back . He could hear them click open as he stepped away . By lunchtime , he was beating the doors with his fists and screaming that something was wrong with the house . Meanjohn 's head felt full of waves and he couldn 't stand Fatjohn 's noise anymore . He found his brother swearing and trying to take the front lock apart with a screwdriver . Meanjohn pounded on his brother 's head and back with both fists and chased him up the stairs and into his room . Then Meanjohn stopped , his eyes lifting to the ceiling . Since they 'd moved in , none of them except for Fatjohn had been inside the attic . Hanging from the ceiling were hundreds of old belts , pieces of water hose , stretched out coat - hangers , and branches . They drifted back and forth from the wind blowing in through the window and rattled softly together . For a moment , Meanjohn was very afraid , remembering all the whippings Oldjohn had given him as a child . But then he laughed . " This house is just as screwed up as anything he ever did . " Fatjohn nodded , hoping his brother wasn 't angry anymore , but when Meanjohn jerked down some of the belts , he knew that he was in trouble . Meanjohn bound his brother 's feet and hands with the belts , rolled him onto his stomach , and striped his back and legs with welts while Fatjohn screamed for him to stop . Finally Meanjohn left the room , noticing that the doorknob had been put on backwards . He locked the door from the outside , giving it a shake . " What do you think about the locks now ? " He walked back to his room . The floor creaked under Meanjohn , and it kept sounding like someone was coming up behind him . But each time he looked over his shoulder , no one was there . He would feel better after he lay down , he thought . Later , I ' mjohn opened the bathroom door and saw Miranda stepping out of the shower . Both hands were up wringing out her hair , and one leg was over the edge of the tub , long thigh tapering to calf and foot , a halo of water around her toes . The water made her hair gleam black and her skin wet and bright like honey . I ' mjohn saw her and was still for a moment . Their eyes met , and he shut the door slowly and walked back to his room . They always locked the door when they were in the bathroom , and neither knew how something like this could have happened . They didn 't cook together that night , but stayed at opposite ends of the house . Meanjohn went back and forth asking them what was wrong , but they only got angry with him and wouldn 't say . Finally , the two of them met again at Fatjohn 's door . He was beating on it from the inside , yelling for someone to let him out . I ' mjohn shrugged . " I can 't get it to open . " Miranda tried , but she couldn 't open it either . They started laughing about it , just chuckling at first , then more and more as Fatjohn yelled at them from the other side of the doorway . They leaned against each other and laughed until they were crying . " I 'm sorry , " said I ' mjohn when he could finally speak . Miranda shrugged . " It was an accident . We don 't have to talk about it . " They decided to go play cards while they tried to think of some way to get Fatjohn out of his room . Knowing that they had forgotten him , Fatjohn made a rope from the belts and tried to climb down through the window . Halfway down , the belts came undone all at once , and he hit the ground hard . The belts rained down on his face and chest . He threw them off and went to the front door , ready to yell at his brothers and sister for leaving him there . He tried the doorknob , but it was locked . He shook it , knocked on it , kicked it , but nothing did any good . No one heard him and came to open the door . " Fuck all of you ! " he yelled . He walked back up the long hill to his father 's house . He went to Oldjohn 's door - one he 'd been going in and out of all his life - and tried to open it . He broke down into sobs . Oldjohn 's door was locked , too . He walked away , babbling to himself and kicking at the cracked dirt . " All the doors in the world are shut to me ! " he said . He liked how it sounded and said it again , crying . This had always been true , he thought , it had just taken him this long to see it . He walked out to the highway beside the gas station where he had never been able to get a job and hitched a ride away from Oldjohn , his cruel family , and this cruel place . In the house , they 'd finally gotten Fatjohn 's door open with a pry - bar , but he wasn 't there . They decided he must have gone back to Oldjohn 's house , and it was getting late anyway , so they didn 't think any more about it . After dinner and a few hours of TV , they started getting ready for bed . Meanjohn had been acting strange all day , but I ' mjohn didn 't care to ask him about it . I ' mjohn put the duck in the bathtub for the night , hoping it would be easier to clean up after him in the morning , and went to bed . But every time I ' mjohn had almost fallen asleep , Meanjohn would roll over on the other side of the room and hit the floor with his fist . " No , " Meanjohn said . I ' mjohn could dimly see him sitting up on the other side of the room . " This sounds like someone is walking toward me . Like someone is sneaking over here to get me while I 'm sleeping . " I ' mjohn was too tired to have patience for this . " That must be an awful thing . Still , if you don 't stop hitting the floor so I can sleep , I 'm going to beat the hell out of you . " I ' mjohn got up , grabbed his boot , and walked over to his brother . Meanjohn hit the floor when he heard someone walking toward him , then yelled when he realized someone was really there . I ' mjohn beat his brother good with the boot , his fist buried inside it and punching Meanjohn in the stomach and chest , until he was tired and went back to lie down . Not even ten minutes had passed , and Meanjohn started yelling and throwing things again . I ' mjohn threw both boots at him , called him a shithead , and took his blankets downstairs . He walked down the staircase to Miranda and Candace 's room , knowing there would be space because his sister was still in jail . In the soft blue light coming in through the window , he could see Miranda sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around her knees . He wasn 't sure if she could see him . Then he heard her talking . Miranda was missing her sister and remembering their prayer . " Dear Lord , " she called out . " Bless me with a big man to warm my bed . Let me have the strength to withstand his lovely body on top of mine . " At once , all I ' mjohn could remember was his sister 's honey - colored skin stepping out of the shower . She saw him then , standing on the other side of the room , but didn 't recognize him in the dim light . She knew only that he was tall and lovely and watching her . She rose , and they met each other in the middle of the room where the light from the window couldn 't reach . It was a long time before Miranda recognized I ' mjohn , and by then it was too late . Meanjohn found them in bed together the next morning . They covered themselves and were afraid of what he would say . " You left me all alone up there ! " Meanjohn shouted . " I fought them all night by myself ! Miranda held the blankets to her chest and looked worried . I ' mjohn said that he was sorry . I ' mjohn and Miranda started putting their clothes back on . With every garment , they looked more and more strange to each other , and they didn 't like it . Outside , they could hear Meanjohn ripping into the side of the house . " I liked it , " said I ' mjohn . " I liked it an awful lot . " They talked it backwards and forwards , moving from room to room . As they talked , Meanjohn was steadily taking the house to pieces . Gaps dotted the walls , letting wind and sand blow through . Meanjohn soon had the second floor and the roof off , and I ' mjohn and Miranda couldn 't hide from each other . Miranda walked out onto the porch . She could see the highway and all the cars passing , her father 's house above them on a short mesa , and all the other little shacks and houses scattered around . " I love you more than anyone else , but none of them would let us live that way . " " We have this house , " I ' mjohn said . " If we stay here , none of them have to know about it . " Even as he said it , though , Meanjohn pushed down the last wall and started stacking the boards and tin up in the yard . They stood on a porch connected to nothing . Meanjohn was making a big pile of belts , hoses , hangers , and branches , squirting lighter fluid all over it . They went to look . Meanjohn had found the belts tacked to the insides of the walls and hung up in the attic , under the floors , and wrapped around the rafters . The pile was dense , all twisted together like cat 's claw vines , and was taller than any of them . The belts were cracked and split , threaded around dead white branches and sun - bleached water - hose , and all the belt buckles shimmered brassily under their patinas of engine grease . " See , " said Meanjohn . " This is what was wrong the whole time . " Miranda and I ' mjohn looked at each other . They reached for the belts , but Meanjohn had already struck a match and threw it towards the pile . Miranda pulled back I ' mjohn 's arm as the belts exploded into fire and smoke . " Now , everything will be fine again , " Meanjohn said . " Everything will be like it was . " I ' mjohn squinted up at the little house on top of the mesa . " This is all Oldjohn 's fault . " Miranda started back up the hill . I ' mjohn wondered if he should follow her or not . He watched her tall shape shrink as she walked up the hill closer to the sun . He was about to follow her , but Meanjohn handed him a hammer . " Now we 'll put it back right , " Meanjohn said . Miranda went into Oldjohn 's house through the window , just like I ' mjohn had . She started scooping up coins from tables and dresser - tops . She took his pension check off the mantel , took his wallet and car keys , all the money he had . She 'd made it to the hallway when she heard Oldjohn in his bedroom . He was praying . " Dear Lord , send them away from this awful place . Make them leave , " he said . " Everything they ever wanted , " Miranda finished . Oldjohn looked up at her from the bed , but kept going . " There 's nothing here worth having , " he said . " And Oldjohn still won 't let us have it , " she finished . Oldjohn began to cry . Miranda threw a handful of coins at him and left . She found his old Honda Civic parked beside the porch and took it , too . Miranda saw I ' mjohn stop working to watch her drive by , but the pile of belts had burned to ash now , and she knew that there would never be a place for them . She went past him toward the road . I ' mjohn scooped up rocks and hurled them at the rear window , shouting that she was just like their mother . Miranda pulled out onto the highway and drove away , afraid that it might be true . The two brothers worked for days putting the house back together . The sunlight was so thick , it stuck to their bodies and made them glow . They looked like angels standing in the desert , slinging up walls of tin and broken boards , their hands and arms throbbing with light . No matter how hard he worked , all I ' mjohn could think of was Miranda : the sun desert of her skin , the night desert of her hair . When the house was all back together , they went inside and slept for three days . Then they woke up and showered the light from their bodies , watching it swirl around the drain like fire . They walked around the house . It was just as it had been before , only the belts were gone , and the house lay still and quiet , like something dead . I ' mjohn found the duck still in the bathtub and put it out on the porch . Meanjohn wanted to go find their brother and sisters and bring them back , but I ' mjohn told him to go do it by himself . Alone in the house , I ' mjohn found his and Miranda 's cards and sat in front of the window shuffling and cutting them . He could feel her hands all over them . He could feel her hands all over his skin . He was alone now , without her or anyone else . He looked through the glass at his father 's house on the hill , the sun peeling into darker shades behind it . He stayed there for a long time , his thoughts breaking up and reforming like the cards , always the same ideas when they came back together . He wondered if this was how Oldjohn felt . Micah Dean Hicks is a master 's student in the Center for Writers at The University of Southern Mississippi . His fiction and poetry are published or forthcoming in over twenty magazines , including Cream City Review , PANK , kill author , Moon Milk Review , Prick of the Spindle , and Tryst . He was recently nominated for a Pushcart Prize for his story , " How the Weaver 's Wife Killed the Motorcycle Man . " Currently , he is hard at work on a collection of fables , fairy tales , and magical realism stories . You can read his author interview over at Dark Sky Magazine . BACK TO ISSUE 6 · SPRING 2011

Way out in Arizona , a few miles from the desert reservations , Oldjohn and his five kids lived . His kids were all in their thirties , and Oldjohn hated them . They were failures , even Fatjohn who 'd only ever wanted to work at the gas station down the road , and they 'd lived with him their whole lives . They stole his whiskey , ate all his pension could buy , and ran off every woman he 'd had for the last fifteen years , starting with their mother . But they were too big for Oldjohn to whip anymore , so one day he decided to build a house that would be able to whip them for him and whip them good . He decided to build the house on the edge of his land next to the highway . It took him four months to collect enough scraps from woodpiles and abandoned houses , but Oldjohn was a good hater - the only thing he was good at - and kept at it until he had enough lumber and tin . The day Oldjohn went to build it , he brought with him heaps of old belts , coat - hangers , cut - off lengths of water - hose , tough branches , and everything else good for whipping children . All these Oldjohn hung inside the walls and put up in the attic as he built the house . Each still throbbed with the hurt of his children and with his disappointment in them , and he packed them in so thick that nothing could be inside the house without feeling their sting . For weeks he worked , and finally Oldjohn finished , clapped the dust off his hands , and went home . His kids were in the living room smashed together on the couch in front of the TV : Fatjohn , I ' mjohn , Meanjohn , Miranda , and Candace . The couch was broken down almost to the floor underneath them . Miller beer bottles rolled around their feet , and yellowed popcorn flakes were ground into the rug . They were watching a western . On the screen , Indians chased buffalo across the plains in Toyotas , the small trucks heaving up and down over potholes and hills , feathers whipping from the side mirrors . Miranda and I ' mjohn were ignoring the movie and playing cards . Oldjohn saw their dark hair and skin , their tall bodies , and remembered their mother . He stepped in front of the TV . " I 've built you all your own house by the highway , " Oldjohn said . " Now get the hell out . " His kids cheered and shouted , all talking at once and running back to their rooms . They filled laundry baskets and army duffel bags with everything they had , which wasn 't very much . I ' mjohn took the cards he and Miranda played with all the time , and Miranda took only the big bottles of shampoo and conditioner she needed for her long , thick hair . Meanjohn and Fatjohn helped each other carry the TV . Candace , last to leave , went to the pantry and measured out some dry beans , rice , and noodles into grocery sacks . She kissed Oldjohn on the cheek on her way out . As their voices receded down the hill , Oldjohn locked the door so that they couldn 't come back . He sat down alone and started drinking , rushing to the window when he thought he heard one of them outside , but there was never anyone there . The house was quiet , and for the first time in years he could hear the wind sobbing through the cracks around the windows and pushing through the crawlspace under his feet . He took one last hot swallow of whiskey and lay down on the couch . He stayed there for a long time , not knowing what else to do . The sun was hot and white , and Oldjohn 's children went squinting down the side of the hill to their new house beside the road . When they got to it , they huddled together in its ragged , ugly shadow . The house was tall and narrow with two floors . Its sides were mismatched planks of sand - scarred wood and irregular pieces of tin , flecked with rust and peeling back at the corners . I ' mjohn stepped onto the porch and took the doorknob in his hand . The others crowded around him . They swung the door open and looked inside . The house was as dry and dusty as a shipping crate . Besides the porch , there were two big rooms one on top of the other , a small kitchen , a bathroom , and an attic . There was no furniture at all inside . They decided I ' mjohn and Meanjohn would live upstairs and Miranda and Candace would live downstairs . They made Fatjohn stay in the attic . The five of them played cards the rest of the evening , grinning to each other because they now had their own house and wouldn 't have to fight with Oldjohn all the time . Then , after they became tired , they spread their blankets out on the floor and went to sleep . In their room , Miranda and Candace stayed up talking like they always did . Finally , Candace grew tired and started to say her prayers . Miranda kept interrupting her and changing the words : " Dear Lord , bless me , " Candace would say . " With a big man to warm my bed , " Miranda would finish . " Let us have the strength to withstand , " Candace would say . " His lovely body on top of ours , " Miranda would finish . They went on like this until Candace was too frustrated to pray , and Miranda was already dreaming of men . That night , Candace couldn 't get any rest . The house was so empty , she was sure she could hear everyone 's breath echoing off the walls . Every gasp , snort , and snore floated down the stairs and ricocheted around the room until it struck her in the ear and made her bolt up in bed . It went on like that for hours , until she couldn 't stand it anymore . Candace ran out of the house to find something to fill all that emptiness . While the others slept , she kept filling until morning . When everyone got up , no one could say anything for a while . There was a national park service picnic table in the living room . Road signs were tacked to the walls - their directions all confused - a charcoal grill was in the kitchen , a dismantled eighties model Ford truck was hung in pieces along the wall going up the staircase , sacks of gardening dirt were stacked in the corner , oranges were scattered over the floor , and Miranda found a duck in the closet . I ' mjohn even found a bicycle chained to the faucets in the bathtub and had to sit on it while he showered . " It 's like Christmas , " Fatjohn said . They heard someone pull up in the yard and went to the window to look . Candace parked a white Buick on the lawn next to three others . She got out , opened an umbrella to shade herself from the sun , and started walking back toward town to steal another . The four of them had a breakfast of the oranges and sat down at the picnic table to discuss what they should do . Fatjohn and Meanjohn insisted that there was nothing that could be done . She was their sister , after all , and wasn 't the house better now ? I ' mjohn could tell that Miranda was bothered by it , though . He followed her into the kitchen and helped her clean the grill to cook lunch . They whispered together as they scraped charred tinfoil off the grillwork and raked out the old coals . Finally , they decided what they should do . I ' mjohn walked up the hill to Oldjohn 's house . He didn 't try the door , but opened his old window and stepped through . I ' mjohn called the police department and told them that his sister had been stealing cars and where she 'd put them . As he hung up the phone , Oldjohn walked out of the bathroom . " You 're back , " Oldjohn said . Oldjohn nodded . He brought I ' mjohn into the kitchen and made him a cup of coffee . I ' mjohn thanked him for the coffee and told him about how much they were liking their new house . I ' mjohn finished his coffee and thanked his father again . He told him not to worry about them . He went back to the house with the TV remote , a cook - pot , and a new bottle of whiskey . The police had already taken away Candace and the cars by the time I ' mjohn got back . He and Miranda made lunch . Afterward , they sat at the table raising shots to their sister for most of the night and tried to trick the duck into drinking with them . The second morning , they all had a bastard of a headache , and everyone was quiet . Fatjohn locked the front door twice that morning , but every time he went back , it was unlocked again . He looked up at the house 's ill - joined walls and ceilings looming over him and locked the door a third time . He walked away for a minute , but when he came back , it was unlocked . The brass mouth of the lock , scratched all around from the teeth of keys , looked as surprised as he did . Fatjohn went to Miranda first and shouted at her , " Why do you keep unlocking the door ? " She covered her ears and told him to be quiet , that she hadn 't touched a door all morning . Then he went to his brothers and shouted at them , " Who keeps unlocking the door ? " They yelled and threw their shoes at him , told him to get the hell out . But it only got worse . All morning , Fatjohn went along locking doors behind him and finding them unlocked as soon as he turned his back . He could hear them click open as he stepped away . By lunchtime , he was beating the doors with his fists and screaming that something was wrong with the house . Meanjohn 's head felt full of waves and he couldn 't stand Fatjohn 's noise anymore . He found his brother swearing and trying to take the front lock apart with a screwdriver . Meanjohn pounded on his brother 's head and back with both fists and chased him up the stairs and into his room . Then Meanjohn stopped , his eyes lifting to the ceiling . Since they 'd moved in , none of them except for Fatjohn had been inside the attic . Hanging from the ceiling were hundreds of old belts , pieces of water hose , stretched out coat - hangers , and branches . They drifted back and forth from the wind blowing in through the window and rattled softly together . For a moment , Meanjohn was very afraid , remembering all the whippings Oldjohn had given him as a child . But then he laughed . " This house is just as screwed up as anything he ever did . " Fatjohn nodded , hoping his brother wasn 't angry anymore , but when Meanjohn jerked down some of the belts , he knew that he was in trouble . Meanjohn bound his brother 's feet and hands with the belts , rolled him onto his stomach , and striped his back and legs with welts while Fatjohn screamed for him to stop . Finally Meanjohn left the room , noticing that the doorknob had been put on backwards . He locked the door from the outside , giving it a shake . " What do you think about the locks now ? " He walked back to his room . The floor creaked under Meanjohn , and it kept sounding like someone was coming up behind him . But each time he looked over his shoulder , no one was there . He would feel better after he lay down , he thought . Later , I ' mjohn opened the bathroom door and saw Miranda stepping out of the shower . Both hands were up wringing out her hair , and one leg was over the edge of the tub , long thigh tapering to calf and foot , a halo of water around her toes . The water made her hair gleam black and her skin wet and bright like honey . I ' mjohn saw her and was still for a moment . Their eyes met , and he shut the door slowly and walked back to his room . They always locked the door when they were in the bathroom , and neither knew how something like this could have happened . They didn 't cook together that night , but stayed at opposite ends of the house . Meanjohn went back and forth asking them what was wrong , but they only got angry with him and wouldn 't say . Finally , the two of them met again at Fatjohn 's door . He was beating on it from the inside , yelling for someone to let him out . I ' mjohn shrugged . " I can 't get it to open . " Miranda tried , but she couldn 't open it either . They started laughing about it , just chuckling at first , then more and more as Fatjohn yelled at them from the other side of the doorway . They leaned against each other and laughed until they were crying . " I 'm sorry , " said I ' mjohn when he could finally speak . Miranda shrugged . " It was an accident . We don 't have to talk about it . " They decided to go play cards while they tried to think of some way to get Fatjohn out of his room . Knowing that they had forgotten him , Fatjohn made a rope from the belts and tried to climb down through the window . Halfway down , the belts came undone all at once , and he hit the ground hard . The belts rained down on his face and chest . He threw them off and went to the front door , ready to yell at his brothers and sister for leaving him there . He tried the doorknob , but it was locked . He shook it , knocked on it , kicked it , but nothing did any good . No one heard him and came to open the door . " Fuck all of you ! " he yelled . He walked back up the long hill to his father 's house . He went to Oldjohn 's door - one he 'd been going in and out of all his life - and tried to open it . He broke down into sobs . Oldjohn 's door was locked , too . He walked away , babbling to himself and kicking at the cracked dirt . " All the doors in the world are shut to me ! " he said . He liked how it sounded and said it again , crying . This had always been true , he thought , it had just taken him this long to see it . He walked out to the highway beside the gas station where he had never been able to get a job and hitched a ride away from Oldjohn , his cruel family , and this cruel place . In the house , they 'd finally gotten Fatjohn 's door open with a pry - bar , but he wasn 't there . They decided he must have gone back to Oldjohn 's house , and it was getting late anyway , so they didn 't think any more about it . After dinner and a few hours of TV , they started getting ready for bed . Meanjohn had been acting strange all day , but I ' mjohn didn 't care to ask him about it . I ' mjohn put the duck in the bathtub for the night , hoping it would be easier to clean up after him in the morning , and went to bed . But every time I ' mjohn had almost fallen asleep , Meanjohn would roll over on the other side of the room and hit the floor with his fist . " No , " Meanjohn said . I ' mjohn could dimly see him sitting up on the other side of the room . " This sounds like someone is walking toward me . Like someone is sneaking over here to get me while I 'm sleeping . " I ' mjohn was too tired to have patience for this . " That must be an awful thing . Still , if you don 't stop hitting the floor so I can sleep , I 'm going to beat the hell out of you . " I ' mjohn got up , grabbed his boot , and walked over to his brother . Meanjohn hit the floor when he heard someone walking toward him , then yelled when he realized someone was really there . I ' mjohn beat his brother good with the boot , his fist buried inside it and punching Meanjohn in the stomach and chest , until he was tired and went back to lie down . Not even ten minutes had passed , and Meanjohn started yelling and throwing things again . I ' mjohn threw both boots at him , called him a shithead , and took his blankets downstairs . He walked down the staircase to Miranda and Candace 's room , knowing there would be space because his sister was still in jail . In the soft blue light coming in through the window , he could see Miranda sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around her knees . He wasn 't sure if she could see him . Then he heard her talking . Miranda was missing her sister and remembering their prayer . " Dear Lord , " she called out . " Bless me with a big man to warm my bed . Let me have the strength to withstand his lovely body on top of mine . " At once , all I ' mjohn could remember was his sister 's honey - colored skin stepping out of the shower . She saw him then , standing on the other side of the room , but didn 't recognize him in the dim light . She knew only that he was tall and lovely and watching her . She rose , and they met each other in the middle of the room where the light from the window couldn 't reach . It was a long time before Miranda recognized I ' mjohn , and by then it was too late . Meanjohn found them in bed together the next morning . They covered themselves and were afraid of what he would say . " You left me all alone up there ! " Meanjohn shouted . " I fought them all night by myself ! Miranda held the blankets to her chest and looked worried . I ' mjohn said that he was sorry . I ' mjohn and Miranda started putting their clothes back on . With every garment , they looked more and more strange to each other , and they didn 't like it . Outside , they could hear Meanjohn ripping into the side of the house . " I liked it , " said I ' mjohn . " I liked it an awful lot . " They talked it backwards and forwards , moving from room to room . As they talked , Meanjohn was steadily taking the house to pieces . Gaps dotted the walls , letting wind and sand blow through . Meanjohn soon had the second floor and the roof off , and I ' mjohn and Miranda couldn 't hide from each other . Miranda walked out onto the porch . She could see the highway and all the cars passing , her father 's house above them on a short mesa , and all the other little shacks and houses scattered around . " I love you more than anyone else , but none of them would let us live that way . " " We have this house , " I ' mjohn said . " If we stay here , none of them have to know about it . " Even as he said it , though , Meanjohn pushed down the last wall and started stacking the boards and tin up in the yard . They stood on a porch connected to nothing . Meanjohn was making a big pile of belts , hoses , hangers , and branches , squirting lighter fluid all over it . They went to look . Meanjohn had found the belts tacked to the insides of the walls and hung up in the attic , under the floors , and wrapped around the rafters . The pile was dense , all twisted together like cat 's claw vines , and was taller than any of them . The belts were cracked and split , threaded around dead white branches and sun - bleached water - hose , and all the belt buckles shimmered brassily under their patinas of engine grease . " See , " said Meanjohn . " This is what was wrong the whole time . " Miranda and I ' mjohn looked at each other . They reached for the belts , but Meanjohn had already struck a match and threw it towards the pile . Miranda pulled back I ' mjohn 's arm as the belts exploded into fire and smoke . " Now , everything will be fine again , " Meanjohn said . " Everything will be like it was . " I ' mjohn squinted up at the little house on top of the mesa . " This is all Oldjohn 's fault . " Miranda started back up the hill . I ' mjohn wondered if he should follow her or not . He watched her tall shape shrink as she walked up the hill closer to the sun . He was about to follow her , but Meanjohn handed him a hammer . " Now we 'll put it back right , " Meanjohn said . Miranda went into Oldjohn 's house through the window , just like I ' mjohn had . She started scooping up coins from tables and dresser - tops . She took his pension check off the mantel , took his wallet and car keys , all the money he had . She 'd made it to the hallway when she heard Oldjohn in his bedroom . He was praying . " Dear Lord , send them away from this awful place . Make them leave , " he said . " Everything they ever wanted , " Miranda finished . Oldjohn looked up at her from the bed , but kept going . " There 's nothing here worth having , " he said . " And Oldjohn still won 't let us have it , " she finished . Oldjohn began to cry . Miranda threw a handful of coins at him and left . She found his old Honda Civic parked beside the porch and took it , too . Miranda saw I ' mjohn stop working to watch her drive by , but the pile of belts had burned to ash now , and she knew that there would never be a place for them . She went past him toward the road . I ' mjohn scooped up rocks and hurled them at the rear window , shouting that she was just like their mother . Miranda pulled out onto the highway and drove away , afraid that it might be true . The two brothers worked for days putting the house back together . The sunlight was so thick , it stuck to their bodies and made them glow . They looked like angels standing in the desert , slinging up walls of tin and broken boards , their hands and arms throbbing with light . No matter how hard he worked , all I ' mjohn could think of was Miranda : the sun desert of her skin , the night desert of her hair . When the house was all back together , they went inside and slept for three days . Then they woke up and showered the light from their bodies , watching it swirl around the drain like fire . They walked around the house . It was just as it had been before , only the belts were gone , and the house lay still and quiet , like something dead . I ' mjohn found the duck still in the bathtub and put it out on the porch . Meanjohn wanted to go find their brother and sisters and bring them back , but I ' mjohn told him to go do it by himself . Alone in the house , I ' mjohn found his and Miranda 's cards and sat in front of the window shuffling and cutting them . He could feel her hands all over them . He could feel her hands all over his skin . He was alone now , without her or anyone else . He looked through the glass at his father 's house on the hill , the sun peeling into darker shades behind it . He stayed there for a long time , his thoughts breaking up and reforming like the cards , always the same ideas when they came back together . He wondered if this was how Oldjohn felt . Micah Dean Hicks is a master 's student in the Center for Writers at The University of Southern Mississippi . His fiction and poetry are published or forthcoming in over twenty magazines , including Cream City Review , PANK , kill author , Moon Milk Review , Prick of the Spindle , and Tryst . He was recently nominated for a Pushcart Prize for his story , " How the Weaver 's Wife Killed the Motorcycle Man . " Currently , he is hard at work on a collection of fables , fairy tales , and magical realism stories . You can read his author interview over at Dark Sky Magazine . BACK TO ISSUE 6 · SPRING 2011

On Sunday , Felix and I drove to the city to prepare for his surgery early on Monday morning . Thankfully there were no issues with the car , and we made it safely . Felix was thankful to be out of the car and enjoyed exploring our apartment , and looking out the window at the cars and trucks . Joel , Mel and Noah came for a visit , which was great , but Felix hid in the kitchen from Noah , occasionally peeking around the corner with a smile . Felix was fascinated with Noah 's new pair of slippers and , when Noah went into the bedroom for a sleep , Felix sat and tried to put them on his feet . With a little bit of help , he put the slippers on and didn 't take them off all afternoon . I have looked everywhere to find slippers that will stay on Felix 's feet , and ones he really liked but haven 't been able to find any . I was very happy when Joel suggested going to the store , the next day , to buy a pair for Felix . When he saw his new slippers after his surgery , he put them on and didn 't take them off even at bed time . He woke up the next morning with very warm toes ! Monday morning was a very early start but , for once , Felix slept in and I actually had to wake him up . Felix had to fast from dinner time the night before so , with my stomach grumbling , I went without food or a drink as well . I would have felt pretty mean eating in front of him . We arrived at the hospital for the 7am check in and got in line with all the other families . When the Nurse came to go through the details of the surgery with me , she asked if I had accommodation for the night in the city . I had previously asked , over the phone , if I would be able to drive the four hours home after the surgery and they said I could . She told me very quickly that there was no way I would be able to drive with him , and we had to stay within an hour of the hospital until the next morning . Thankfully , I was able to book another night ; inconvenient , but safer for the little guy . After that , we had a long wait , Felix wasn 't first on the list and didn 't get called until 11am . Felix wasn 't too happy when I put on my blue gown , hat and booties to go into theatre with him while he was put to sleep . He kept trying to pull my hat off . After a while I realised that he wanted his own hat , which he proudly managed to put on his head all by himself ! We finally got called into theatre and I snuggled Felix on my lap until he went to sleep . The anaesthetist was fantastic ! He put the gas mask on Felix 's monkey and sock cat because " they both want to have a look at the mask " , and then put it close to Felix 's face . He then started blowing in and out , which Felix copied , making him go to sleep very quickly ( with his eyes wide open ) . I was told the surgery would only take fifteen minutes and , if I was lucky , I might be able to grab a quick coffee . I ran down to the cafe ( with Bekah , who was with me all day ) , and got a coffee and then rushed to the recovery room to wait for Felix . Just like last time , the fifteen minutes passed with no Felix . Other kids started returning who had gone into surgery after him and I started to get a bit anxious . Finally , after an hour and a half , I saw a gurney being pushed through the doors . The back rest was elevated and , perched on the top , on his tummy , was my little man . He looked so cute peeking over the top of the bed , just like he was peering over the edge of a cliff . He was very groggy and didn 't want cuddles for a while , he just wanted time to wake up . The surgery went well . They cleaned out his ears , especially the right one which was infected again and full of gunk , and put a new grommet in his right ear . It took a while longer than expected , but most of the delay was waiting for him to wake up from the anaesthetic . It seems Felix is like his Mummy and doesn 't like to wake up after surgery . I will be taking a break again from writing my blog for a while . There is a lot going on in our lives right now and I need some time to focus on a multitude of different things . Things like Facebook and my blog will be taking a back seat for a while . Make sure you check back in , from time to time , to see if I 'm back . Hopefully I 'll have lots of new stories to tell by then . Once again , thank you for your overwhelming support , with people reading my blog over 30 , 500 times in the past 15 months ! It 's really encouraging , to me , to know there are so many people willing to increase their understanding of what Down syndrome is , or support me while they are walking the same path as me . Stay tuned . . . . . Poor Felix ! His room is the coldest in our house and , lately , the temperature has been dropping really low overnight . We always put him to bed wearing so many layers that he can hardly move , and yet he still had icy cold feet when he woke up this morning . It would probably help if he kept his covers on but , he 's such a worm and kicks them off . He was extra toasty when I put him to bed tonight ; flannel pajamas , two pairs of socks and a onesie over the top . Hopefully his little toes will still be warm tomorrow morning . As you know , Felix loves his sock cat and his monkey . He loves them so much that he 's constantly covering them in kisses . His sock cat gets extra love ; he sucks on its ' arms and tail , making them incredibly soggy and , over time , quite stinky ! Today I decided they both needed a good wash , before Felix takes them with him for his surgery on Monday , so I put them in the washing machine while Felix watched me . He wasn 't quite sure what to think as he watched his little buddies swishing around and around , and kept looking at me with a puzzled look on his face . He gave them both extra big snuggles when I got them out of the clothes dryer . They were still warm and smelt beautiful and fresh , so they were extra nice to cuddle on a cold day . Felix got a little treat tonight . I was on the computer and noticed someone local was selling a Fisher Price piggy bank toy really cheaply . Felix has often used the same toy during his therapy sessions . It 's good to encourage fine motor skills , and it has always been one of his favourites . For some reason , I 've never been able to find one in our local shops ( we only have one shop that sells toys , so that 's probably why ! ) I quickly got in the car and drove around to pick it up . It looks almost brand new , which is a bonus ! Felix was so excited when he saw it , and played with it for 20 minutes without stopping . It even plays the music to Old MacDonald 's Farm which , of course , is Felix 's theme song at the moment . He sat ' ee , i , ee , i , oh - ing ' and snorting his very best pig sound as he put the coins in the top . Definitely a great find ! Tomorrow , Felix and I have to drive back to the city ready for Felix 's surgery , bright and early on Monday morning . I 'm hoping this trip will be a lot less eventful than the last one ! Felix 's surgery is to clean all of the wax from his ears ( he has so much , it 's impossible to see his eardrums ) , and to check what is happening with his grommets . Our local GP thought Felix 's right grommet had fallen out not long after his last surgery but , at our last visit , he thought he could see it but didn 't think it was in properly . I guess we will find out on Monday . Felix has had three ear infections in the five months since his last surgery . I really hope things improve because they are such awful things to have . We are so grateful that his hearing doesn 't seem to have been affected by his ear infections . Felix regularly signs the word ' hear ' when he notices a noise , and often that noise is really quiet , so that 's definitely a good sign . As usual , I feel a bit nervous about holding my baby while he 's put to sleep and then handing him over to a stranger , for his surgery . I know it 's only something very minor , but it never gets easier . My heart goes out to my friends who have had to endure endless major surgeries on their little ones . They have faced challenges I hope I will never have to . I have so much admiration for their strength and resilience . I don 't think I 've ever seen a kid more excited to get his hair cut ! Previously , Felix has always sat well , providing he didn 't have a cape on . Today he couldn 't get enough of the cape . He loved it and had lots of laughs and smiles as he watched his hands move underneath it , and lifted it up and down like a parachute . His hairdresser was wonderful with him ( having some gorgeous little Grandbabies of her own ) . She talked to him and played with his ipad . She even got underneath his cape with him , at the end , and had him cracking up laughing . Felix made sure he shared the love with the other hairdressers and made sure they all got a smile and a wave . One even signed ' thank you ' as he walked out the door . What a beautiful experience both for him , and for me . Oh . . . and he looks very handsome and grown up with his new haircut ! A while back , Felix had an assessment done by the Occupational Therapist . The idea was to see where he was at in terms of his development so we knew what we would need to focus on the most . I have been excitedly waiting for the report , and finally received it today . I have read a lot of stories from other Mum 's of kids with Down syndrome ( particularly in the US ) , who have to have these assessments done every year , and get quite upset when they are due to take their children for them . I didn 't really understand why they would get upset about it . I mean , isn 't it designed to help us with our children 's development ? How wrong was I ! The report was depressing . All it focused on , was what Felix couldn 't do . I felt really deflated . I guess I was expecting it to be balanced in some way , stating also , the things he could do well . I am under no illusions about Felix 's abilities . I know he has delays ; he always will ! I think the frustrating thing is that I wish these assessments could be done by placing cameras in our home for a week , to observe our kids in their home environment , to give a more accurate representation of their abilities . Felix was in a bit of a ' mood ' on the day of the assessment . He didn 't appreciate having an activity put in front of him , only to have it taken away 2 minutes later and another one put in it 's place . He started to get frustrated and started throwing the blocks and toys off the table and onto the floor . He was bored , and wasn 't into it at all , so he barely finished any of the ' tests ' ( I 'd like to see any ' typical ' two year old be totally cooperative for an hour under those circumstances ) . The OT has spent a lot of time with Felix and she knows what he is capable of but , unfortunately , the testing required her only to note down the way he performed on the day ! The results of the testing showed that Felix needs to do lots of activities to strengthen his hands , which we already knew previously . The rest of the results really stated the obvious . He has delays in both his fine and gross motor skills and lacks strength in his upper body . All of these are things we had been working on anyway and , are a given when you have a child with Down syndrome . Will we do the testing again ? I don 't think so ; at least not for a while . It may be a good thing to do before Felix starts school , so that his teachers have a grasp of what he will need help with but , to be honest , I think a letter from his Kindy teacher , giving a balance of what he can do , and what he needs help with , would probably be a lot more useful . I feel like all this assessment says is , " Felix has Down syndrome , so he has delays " . I 'm pretty sure that we didn 't need an ' official ' assessment to tell us that . I must note , that Felix 's Occupational Therapist is lovely and has been really good with Felix . My view on the testing is in no way a reflection on her , she was only doing the assessment in the way it was designed . I know that if she had to write down her own personal observations , over her time with Felix , it would be a lot more balanced . Well . . . that 's my gripe for today . It 's one of the frustrations of having a child with a disability . It seems that a lot of time is spent addressing what they can 't do . This is a necessity , in one way , because it means we can give them extra help so that one day they are able to do things they once had difficulty with , and when that happens , it is so exciting . On the other hand , sometimes it 's nice to have a break and spend time celebrating all the things they can do , and forget about the hours and hours of therapies and appointments . They deserve it ; they work so much harder than the rest of us . Imagine if , every day , we had to get up and work on all the things we 're not good at over and over again . Imagine having to practice walking , or doing repetitive activities day in and day out , without a break . That is life for a person with a disability . No wonder they are often some of the most resilient , patient , and hard working people we will ever meet . They don 't always have the luxury of just ' taking it easy ' . Everything they do takes much more concentration and effort . Felix really is my hero . He takes on life with so much love and a huge smile , even though it 's often challenging for him . He is incredible ! My internet has been so frustrating the past few days , cutting in and out . I have tried to write my blog , but it was impossible . Hopefully it 's all been sorted out today and I 'll have a bit more success . Felix has been a delight lately . Even though I am frantically packing up the house to move , he has still found ways to have fun and entertain himself . Empty , or half packed , boxes are a two year old 's best friend , and he has been making the most of finding lots of new hiding holes wherever he can . Book shelves and cupboards , free of their usual fullness , have been perfect for him to climb in and on . He has barely played with his toys because there are way too many fun things to investigate at the moment . I got some enormous yellow slippers for Mother 's Day and Felix is fascinated with them . I watched him , a couple of days ago , sitting on the floor trying really hard to put them on his own feet . After some persistence , he managed to get one of them on , but had the other one backwards . He tried to stand up , but found it a little bit difficult . He studied his feet for a while until he realised his mistake . He took off the backward one and turned it around the right way . I didn 't think he would have a chance of being able to walk in them ; I can barely do it but , true to form , he stood up and walked away like he 'd been doing it for years ! Always full of surprises that kid ! Due to packing , and lots of rearranging , the computer is currently sitting on the coffee table in the corner of our lounge room . Yesterday morning , I walked in the room to find Felix with the boy 's headphones on , the computer mouse in one hand , and his other hand busily typing on the keyboard . He knows he 's not allowed to touch the computer but , I must admit , I was pretty impressed with his skills . He must have been watching his big brothers because he knew exactly what to do . I felt a bit emotional , like I do every time I see him doing something new . His capacity to learn is so huge ! Kids with Down syndrome can never be underestimated . They really are amazing little people , with so much potential , they just need to be given the opportunity . My funny Felix story of the week happened at dinner time last night . He has been snacking a lot lately during the day , on fruit , sultanas and sandwiches , so he hasn 't been eating much in the evening . Last night I put his bowl of food , and his fork , on his high chair and he promptly threw them both across the room . I picked up his hand , gave him a gentle smack on his fingers and firmly said , " No " . His expression didn 't change , he didn 't look even the tiniest bit surprised or upset . Instead , he smacked his own hand , copying what I had done . I tried to keep my expression serious , but it was such an unexpected reaction that I had to fight to keep a straight face ! ! We have such a funny little guy . It was Felix 's second group speech session today . He was pretty excited to be going up to the hospital because he loves seeing the Speech Pathologist and playing games with her . His excitement didn 't last long because , when we were in the waiting room , one of the other little boys in his class started crying quite loudly . Felix 's response was to cover his ears and hide under the chair . Even when it was time to head to the therapy room , he buried his head in my shoulder and refused to look at anyone . The session started with the ' welcome song ' . Felix couldn 't bear to miss out , so he kept his head in my lap but still managed to do the signs he knew , and wave to his little friends , by putting his hands behind his back . It looked like he had his arms on backwards and was pretty funny . All the parents couldn 't help but giggle at him . He was determined to join in even if he had to reduce the noise by having his head buried . It was great improvisation on his part , and kept us all entertained . As the session progressed , the same little boy who had been crying earlier , started again . Poor little guy , it just wasn 't his day . It was quite noisy , especially as the room is small and Felix really found it hard to cope with . I was so proud of him though because , despite his level of discomfort , he put in an effort to participate in the activities . His favourite thing this morning was choosing from a variety of different pictures of vehicles , and signing what it was and then posting the picture into the crocodile 's mouth . The crocodile was made out of cardboard and Felix thought it was great . The Speech Pathologist made it snap its ' teeth when Felix put the picture in its ' mouth . He loves it when we sign crocodile with our hands , and snap them towards him , so this activity was right up his alley . He hid his face when it wasn 't his turn , but always joined in when it was his turn to choose . Baby steps , but we 're getting there . Felix has made such huge improvements in his ability to construct things with blocks . I kept the baby Duplo I had when the other kids were small , and it has been perfect for Felix 's hands . He finds the regular Duplo a bit difficult to separate , but the baby ones with the rounded shape have been so helpful for him . He now builds elaborate towers and will concentrate for a long time on what he is making . Last night I noticed him lining up the blocks neatly in a row . He spent ages doing it and seemed quite pleased with himself when they were all lined up nice and straight . He 's happy to pack the blocks up when he is finished , but once the toybox is full , he likes to tip them all back out again , so we 're halfway there ! Today , our new neighbour came in for a visit . Felix loved having a new audience and put on his best performance , smiling and being his usual charming self . He is into counting at the moment and , even though he can 't say the words , I know what he is doing . He kept touching our neighbours ' shoulder and then coming over to touch mine . I counted ' one ' when he touched her , and ' two ' when he touched me . He kept going back and forth for a while . He loves it when he knows he 's being understood . He was making great sounds , attempting to say the words . After counting for a while , he decided to touch our noses and then his own . I 'm glad our new neighbour is quite laid back because Felix didn 't respect any personal boundaries today . He wanted to be up close and personal ! She didn 't seem to mind . I think he had her wrapped around his finger pretty quickly ! Felix wasn 't quite himself at Kindergym today . There were a lot of kids there and quite a few were ' squealers ' . Felix kept looking at me , with a sad face , signing ' hear ' and then covering his ears . It was way too loud for him . He wasn 't very happy at all , poor little man . Whenever the noise quietened down , he played and jumped but , as soon as it got loud again , he curled up in a little ball with his hands over his ears . I really felt for him because I could tell he really wanted to play , but the noise was too overwhelming . Even at song time , Felix was really excited , but the little one next to him just kept squealing so he buried his head in my lap . He was ready to go by the end , signing ' finished , goodbye and car ' . I got the hint ! Even when we got home , Felix was a little bit sad . He looks like he 's getting a bit of a cold . His nose is bright red and he 's coughing a bit . His ' number 2 's ' have been pretty putrid too , so we 'll just have to wait it out and see if it develops into anything . He only had to bump himself slightly today and he started to cry . If the dogs wagged their tail near his face , or pushed past him , he sat down broken hearted . He certainly wasn 't much of a tough guy today . Hopefully he won 't get too sick . He 's due to have his next lot of surgery on his ears in a couple of weeks , so we need him nice and healthy for that . Our little man is loving his new big bed . Often , at sleep time , one of the bigger boys will go and climb into bed with Felix for cuddles . He thinks it 's hilarious and hides from them under his quilt . Aaron and Isaiah are so good with him . They tickle him and play with him , making him laugh his head off . They sing songs with him and keep up with his demands of doing the actions to his favourite songs . His bed is so big , compared to his tiny little body , that he can roll around and be really restless , but still stay on the bed without falling off . It 's perfect ! Felix was one of only two little ones at his Special Needs Playgroup this morning . He was in his element . He pretty much had the whole place to himself , so he did lots of exploring and playing , and quite a bit of vocalising . When I asked him about the toy butterfly he was holding , he actually said " butta - iy " I actually thought I might have misheard him but , when Felix 's teacher said , " He just said butterfly " , I knew it wasn 't just my imagination . He seems to find ' B ' words the easiest to say . He consistently says ' ball ' and ' book ' and will also say ' baby ' and ' brother ' ( buvu ) sometimes . He is slowly starting to use different sounds as he plays and , although they haven 't developed into specific words yet , he is certainly building his repertoire and I 'm so proud of his efforts . We always sing a ' goodbye ' song at the end of playgroup . The words are Where is Felix ? Where is Felix ? There he is . There he is . Hope you had a good time . Hope you had a good time . Goodbye to you . Goodbye to you . We use key signing with Felix , so we don 't sign every single word . In this song we sign the word ' where ' , and then his name ( which is the first letter of his name signed twice ) . We then point to Felix ( there he is ) . We sign the word ' good ' and then wave ' goodbye ' . I am so pleased to say that Felix did every single sign / action today for the very first time . He did such a great job and looked like he was thoroughly enjoying it . When it was time to sing to his little friend , he pointed to her , signed ' good ' and waved goodbye as well . Such an amazing little person . After Felix had breakfast this morning , he went off to play while I got organised for the day . A few minutes later I could hear a thud , and then silence , then another thud . Then I heard Felix make one of his frustrated noises before another thud . Eventually , after a few more ' thuds ' , Felix limped his way into my room , with one bare foot and the other in one of my big sneakers . He had a huge smile on his face and looked pretty proud of his efforts . At least it explained what all the noise was . . . him desperately trying to lift my shoe off the ground with each step . I was pretty impressed that he managed to get all the way up the hallway . His ankles are so floppy due to hypotonia , so it was probably great exercise for him . I don 't know how many of you remember me telling you the story of Iris , a beautiful little girl with Down syndrome , who passed away due to complications from pulmonary hypertension . It really shook up all of us in the Down syndrome community who had been following her story . I woke up this morning to the beautiful news that her Mummies are expecting another baby later this year . It has been such a heartbreaking time for them as they have had to adjust to life without their precious little one . Although Iris will never be forgotten and will always be an important part of their lives , I 'm so glad that they will , once more , have a little life to fill their arms and bring them joy . Congratulations girls x x x I love looking at the world through Felix 's eyes . He observes everything with so much wonder and delight . He notices so many things about the world around him , which I usually take for granted . I 'm sure he has a sixth sense about when people need a bit of cheering up too . Yesterday , at the shops , he had so many people stop to tell him how happy his smile made them . One lady commented that he had the most infectious laugh . It 's always so much fun to watch him interact with people and see , even the saddest looking people , walk away from him with a smile . Felix was sitting on a coin operated Thomas the Tank Engine outside the supermarket yesterday . He loves trains and had walked over to it signing ' train ' . He was studying it all over , pressing the buttons and looking at the wheels . After a couple of minutes , a cleaner came to empty the bin alongside the train . Felix climbed down quietly , and stood next to her and watched her ; she was much more interesting than the train . She was busily doing her job and didn 't notice him at first but , after a while , she looked down at him and her whole face lit up . She told him that he had the most beautiful eyes and such a gorgeous smile . He thought it was great and stood grinning at her for a while before he set off on his next adventure ; the butcher shop . . . . . Felix has a fascination for those giant statue animals , often seen outside a butcher store , or used for advertising , or in a themed restaurant . He loves them . . . . . from a distance . Our local butcher has a large cow , standing on its ' hind legs , on one side of the shop , and a big statue of a jolly butcher on the other . Felix thinks the cow is especially great , and took off signing ' cow ' and rushing over to it as fast as his little legs would go . He stopped a couple of metres away , still frantically signing ' cow ' and intermittently pointing at it . I picked him up to take him over to touch it . The noise Felix makes when he 's frightened of something like that is a little hard to explain ; it 's a bit like the sound a cat makes when you step on its ' tail , just short and sharp . He made that sound and quickly climbed up my shoulder , also like a cat . I touched the cow myself , to see if Felix would relax enough to do the same , but he wasn 't having a bar of it . I took him over to the statue of the butcher and he had the same reaction . He was fascinated , but there was no way he was going to touch it . Yesterday morning , Felix attended his first group speech session . There were only two other children there so it was a nice , small group , perfect for Felix . The theme for the week was animals , so the Speech Pathologist had set up three little toy barns for the children to play with . First , the children had to find the animals that were hiding around the room . Felix enjoyed searching for his animals and took them back to his barn and started to play with them . After a couple of minutes , he started looking at the barn a little boy next to him was playing with . I was completely shocked when he got up , and walked over to the little boy , sat down close to him and started looking at his barn . The Speech Pathologist elbowed me ; she was as surprised as me that Felix had initiated playing with another child . It was brilliant . . . . . until the other little boy decided that he didn 't want Felix to play with him , and shouted right in his face . Oops ! One step forward , two steps back . Felix dropped his bottom lip , moved to a safe distance and then lay prostrate on the floor . It didn 't last long because the next activity was singing and Felix won 't let anything stand in the way of him singing ! What was the song we sang ? You guessed it . . . Old MacDonald ! It 's been an exhausting couple of days , for both me and Felix . I made a spur of the moment decision to do a trip to the city , on Tuesday , with Felix . My plan was to do a bit of shopping and catch up with some of our older kids , and get to the final Early Intervention at Down Syndrome SA , to say goodbye to the coordinator who is leaving . The trip usually takes 4 hours each way , so I 'd planned to set out early on Tuesday morning , stay overnight and drive home on Wednesday . I didn 't sleep well on Monday night . My stomach didn 't feel good , but I put it down to something I ate for dinner the night before . I woke up already tired , but determined to get away early for our long drive . The car was packed , and Felix and I left town at 7am . Fifteen minutes out of town , one of my brand new tyres went flat and I quickly pulled off the highway and called the RAA for help . They took an hour to arrive , changed my tyre and I drove back in to town to the place that had put on my new tyre . They were puzzled as to what had happened because there was no puncture , so they replaced it for free and I left for my second attempt at driving to the city . All this time , Felix had happily sat and played with his sock cat , and watched his Play School DVD in the car ( such a great invention ! ) At 9 . 30am , I made my second attempt at starting our 4 hour journey . An hour and a half into our trip , the tyre on the opposite side of the car went flat . This time , we were literally in the middle of nowhere . I phoned the RAA a second time and waited . . . . and waited . . . . and waited . It ended up , they had driven in the opposite direction to what I had told them , so they couldn 't find me . After an hour and a half , my patience was disappearing fast . Thankfully , a farmer who was out in a paddock , saw Felix and I standing on the side of the road and came to our rescue . He was so lovely and changed the tyre quickly and we were on our way again . This time , I had to drive another 80km to another tyre place to get the second one replaced ; there was no puncture in that one either ! ! They took off all my tyres and checked them , then sent us on our way . We finally made it to the city at 5pm . . . . 10 hours after we had started . Soon after we arrived ( at Joel and Bekah 's house ) , I started vomiting . Aaaaaaagh ! ! ! What a day ! ! There is a huge , long , freight train which travels along the highway which has so many carriages , they would be difficult to count . When Felix and I were stuck on the side of the road , I could see it coming in the distance . I pointed it out to Felix and he started signing ' train ' . He was so excited to see it up close and his eyes didn 't leave it . When the engine got near us , the driver waved and tooted the horn for Felix . It was pretty awesome ! Felix thought it was great and it certainly broke up the monotony of being stuck with a broken down car . The train driver will never know how much I appreciated it . There is only so much you can do to entertain a two year old on the side of a highway ! I know I affectionately call Felix 's favourite stuffed animal , the ' ugly ' sock cat , but I will be much nicer to it from now on . That sock cat kept Felix from complete boredom during our ridiculously long day . He played with it , making it jump and dance . He sat it on his head and turned it upside down . He chewed it and sucked on its ' tail . The cutest thing , by far , was when he put it over his shoulder and said , " Ahhhh " while he patted it on the back . I can 't believe how long it kept his attention . So a huge thank you to sock cat ( and to Amy for her choice of gift for her little brother ) . Spending time with Bekah , Joel and Mel , and , of course , little Noah , was the highlight of our trip ( and a very brief hello to Daniel and Cate ) . I was feeling lousy , but they made sure I had a comfy bed ready and a yummy home cooked meal . Little Noah showed off , taking some of his first steps by himself , over and over again . Such a clever boy . He and Felix played really well together , sharing toys and giving each other kisses . Felix was so thankful to be out of the car and enjoyed having his nephew to play with . He was such a trooper all day , never complaining and not crying once throughout the whole trip . He really is precious . We got home with all four tyres intact , last night . Felix was so tired , he just wanted to go to bed , as did I . He slept well , but has been a little bit unhappy today . I 'm hoping it 's just because he 's worn out from the trip and he 's not getting sick again . Poor little man kept tripping over things and bumped his head a couple of times , which is very unusual for him . He has been extra snuggly and felt a little bit warm before he went to bed . Hopefully another good sleep will help him feel better . When I look at Felix , I see a perfectly ' normal ' two year old , developing at the same rate as all his siblings did . I don 't really think about milestones , and can 't really remember at what age the other kids did things , unless I consult their baby books . It 's not until I go on Facebook and read someone 's status about a conversation they had with their two year old , that I 'm reminded , " Oh , that 's right , the other kids were having quite grown up conversations by two ! " Does it upset me ? I can honestly say it doesn 't bother me at all . I know the same can 't be said , for other parents of kids with Down syndrome , and that 's perfectly OK too . We are all different . I 'm sure I probably stress about things which other parents wouldn 't . We all have different experiences to share . I 've often wondered why the whole milestone thing doesn 't bother me too much and , I 've come to the conclusion , that after having 7 other ' typical ' kids , who seemed to grow up overnight , I 'm enjoying the slower pace that comes from having Felix . I remember , as a young Mum , feeling like there was a lot of competition , in baby groups , to see who 's child was the first to reach certain milestones . It was like you earned bragging rights if your child was the first to sit up , or the first to take his / her steps . There was a silent pressure to make sure your child was ' up to par ' or behaving appropriately . This time around , Felix is just Felix . It 's not a competition . People ( in ' regular ' baby groups ) , don 't expect Felix to be doing everything their kids are doing , so when he does , people seem genuinely excited with me . There is such a wide range of what is ' average ' for children with Down syndrome . Some kids talk extremely early , and some are still developing their speech as young adults . Some will be running around and climbing at age 2 , while others are still learning to sit up . We , as parents of kids with Down syndrome , realise that our kids have to work so much harder , than ' typical ' kids to do to learn the things they do , so the celebration when they do reach a milestone is something we all celebrate together ! I was talking to Felix 's playgroup teacher this morning , and telling her about my realisation that Felix isn 't talking , like other two year olds yet . Her reaction wasn 't what I expected , but I agree with her 100 % . She pointed out that he is communicating just as well as other two year olds , just in a different way , and it 's true . Felix uses signs consistently now and , what he can 't sign yet , he will tell us in other ways . For example , every time he sees a fly inside the house , he motions with his hand in a ' Shoo , fly ' motion . He will notice the tiniest fly , that I haven 't even seen yet and he will let me know where it is so I can get rid of it . Another example was when I was pushing Felix on a swing today . He had been on it for such a long time , so I stopped it and asked if he wanted to get off . I held out my arms to him and he gently pushed them away and started rocking his body to get the swing to start moving again . He hadn 't finished . He wanted to keep swinging . Felix has been in the best mood , these past few days . He has been full of life , and wanting to play and interact with everybody . Last week , at playgroup , he lay on the floor all morning but , today , he ran around outside and played . He pushed a toy car around , threw some balls and crawled through the tunnel . Inside , he enjoyed spending time with his therapists , building towers with blocks and playing in the sensory box . He especially liked playing with the Old MacDonalds farm board , sticking on the velcro animals , signing the ones he knew as he put them on the board . Of course he had to sing , too . . . . . " ee , i , ee , i , oh ! " Posted by I ordered Felix a double bed , about a week ago and we went to pick it up yesterday . I 'm not a huge fan of leather - look beds , but the design was perfect for what we wanted for Felix . It 's really low to the ground ( about the same as his toddler bed ) , and the soft sides are perfect for him to climb up and down on . He was forever bashing his head against the side of his toddler bed , being such a worm when he sleeps , but won 't have those problems with this nice , soft one . Hopefully it will last him well into his teenage / early adulthood years ( as long as he doesn 't decide to chew on it ! ) I 'm looking forward to having a comfy spot to lay next time he 's sick ; it will sure beat laying on the floor ! I decided , in my infinite wisdom , to ' quickly ' put the bed together before Felix 's bedtime ( it was already 5 . 30pm at this point ) . I have put together many pieces of furniture and like to think I can match the boys with my assembly skills . This bed , however , proved to be a challenge . I 'm sure that when the manufacturers of furniture design these things , they have an evil laugh as they imagine us mere mortals trying to put them together . It took forever to assemble it ! It didn 't help that he was trying to assist me , balancing screws along the edge of the bed and then putting them in his mouth ; climbing and touching everything in sight . I was trying to be patient but , after dropping a piece on my leg and then cutting my finger , it was a struggle . Finally , after 7pm , Felix 's bed was complete and there it stood , literally covered in my blood , sweat and tears ! He thought it was fantastic . He climbed on it , rolled on it and lay on his pillow with his monkey and sock cat . His brothers tested it out and both said how lucky Felix was and asked why they didn 't get to have a double bed as well ? Isaiah and Aaron have already decided that they will have sleepovers in Felix 's room sometimes , as long as he doesn 't wriggle too much . Bedtime came along , and Felix was more than happy to snuggle up on his new bed and wave goodnight . Everything was quiet through the baby monitor , so I assumed he had gone peacefully to sleep , and had images in my mind , of his tiny little body in that big bed . Just before I went to bed , I went to check on Felix . There he was , sound asleep , on the floor ! After all my efforts there he was , looking quite cosy , all curled up on the floor next to the bed . He obviously wasn 't quite sure about his new bed . I carefully picked him up and put him up on it , and patted him until he was back in a deep sleep . I heard lots of tossing and turning during the night , so I 'm not sure if he stayed on the bed the entire time or not . Felix happily went to sleep , on his new bed , for his day sleep today so hopefully he 'll stay there all night as well . He must have been tired tonight because he carried his monkey , his cat , and a cushion from his bed , out into the kitchen earlier , to give me the not - so - subtle hint that it was bed time . When I took him to his room , he snuggled onto his bed , with his bottom up in the air and his arms tucked underneath him , ready to go to sleep . We have had such a beautiful day together today . He has been in a gorgeous mood ; so happy and cuddly . As I kissed him goodnight tonight , I felt extra thankful that he came into our lives . Even on days when life seems out of control and full of sadness , he is a ray of sunshine . He knows nothing but joy , and it 's infectious ! I 've always loved the fact that Felix is so good at entertaining himself ; enjoying his ' alone ' time and using his imagination . As a Mum , of a two year old , I 'm always a little bit suspicious if Felix goes too quiet , so I will peek into the room to make sure he 's OK , but I do it quietly so I don 't disturb him if he 's enjoying being by himself . Yesterday , he went really quiet , so I crept into the room to see what he was up to . He had got all of his plastic bowling pins out of his toy box , and was trying to stand them all up . Two of them stood up easily , but the third one kept falling over on the soft carpet . I was amazed at Felix 's patience as he persisted over and over ( about 6 times ) , before it finally stayed upright . He then moved onto the fourth pin , which stood up easily but , while standing it up , he knocked over the third one with his arm . He patiently went back to it , and repeated the same process again . Eventually he had all six pins standing in a row . He looked very satisfied with his achievement , and then used his finger to point at each one . I knew he was counting them , even though he can 't actually say the words , so I started counting out loud " one . . . two . . . three . . . " He looked up at me with a massive smile and I could tell he was so pleased that I knew exactly what he was doing . We counted them a few more times before he laughed and knocked them all over . Felix had a friend over to play yesterday . He did his usual ' shy ' thing , for the first ten minutes or so , hiding his face and peeking out between his fingers , but after that he was fine . His little friend is almost twice as tall as Felix , and quite chatty but , for some reason , Felix doesn 't seem to be worried about him . His friend has Autism , so it was really interesting for me to watch him and Felix together ; both kids with a ' disability ' , but both of them so full of personality and joy , it was absolutely beautiful . They each have a language all their own , but they seemed to connect with each other . When I put Felix to bed , for his sleep , his little friend followed me into the room , sat on the edge of the bed and leaned his face close to Felix 's . Usually , that would freak Felix out , but it didn 't . His friend said something to Felix in his own little language , and then said , " night , night " . Talk about cute ! ! I was folding the washing this morning and , as usual , Felix was being a big helper . When I walked out of the room to put some clothes away , Felix had been wrestling with a fitted sheet , giggling his head off as he hid underneath it . Just before I came back , I could hear a ' protesting ' sound coming from the room . Wondering what I was going to find , I walked back into the room to find Felix with the sheet wrapped around his head , and both of his arms . It looked hilarious , but he was completely stuck . He wasn 't crying , but he was definitely trying to tell me that he needed some help . Being a mean Mum , I quickly took a couple of photos first , before rescuing Felix from the sheet that was attacking him . It was too good a photo opportunity to pass up . This morning Felix and I went to Kindergym . We went to a later session that we usually do and there were only five children there , including Felix . It was perfect for him because he had plenty of room to play without coming face to face with a lot of other kids . As usual , he was fascinated with watching the children jumping on the trampoline . He gets mesmerised by them and I 'm sure he 'd love to be up there jumping just as high . I picked him up and helped him jump on the big padded gymnastic mats , as high as my arms could lift him . He laughed so much and every time I stopped , he signed ' again ' . I did it until my arms couldn 't do it anymore and then threw myself on the mat next to him . He gave me big cuddles ; I know he appreciated that I 'd helped him : ) I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person .

On Sunday , Felix and I drove to the city to prepare for his surgery early on Monday morning . Thankfully there were no issues with the car , and we made it safely . Felix was thankful to be out of the car and enjoyed exploring our apartment , and looking out the window at the cars and trucks . Joel , Mel and Noah came for a visit , which was great , but Felix hid in the kitchen from Noah , occasionally peeking around the corner with a smile . Felix was fascinated with Noah 's new pair of slippers and , when Noah went into the bedroom for a sleep , Felix sat and tried to put them on his feet . With a little bit of help , he put the slippers on and didn 't take them off all afternoon . I have looked everywhere to find slippers that will stay on Felix 's feet , and ones he really liked but haven 't been able to find any . I was very happy when Joel suggested going to the store , the next day , to buy a pair for Felix . When he saw his new slippers after his surgery , he put them on and didn 't take them off even at bed time . He woke up the next morning with very warm toes ! Monday morning was a very early start but , for once , Felix slept in and I actually had to wake him up . Felix had to fast from dinner time the night before so , with my stomach grumbling , I went without food or a drink as well . I would have felt pretty mean eating in front of him . We arrived at the hospital for the 7am check in and got in line with all the other families . When the Nurse came to go through the details of the surgery with me , she asked if I had accommodation for the night in the city . I had previously asked , over the phone , if I would be able to drive the four hours home after the surgery and they said I could . She told me very quickly that there was no way I would be able to drive with him , and we had to stay within an hour of the hospital until the next morning . Thankfully , I was able to book another night ; inconvenient , but safer for the little guy . After that , we had a long wait , Felix wasn 't first on the list and didn 't get called until 11am . Felix wasn 't too happy when I put on my blue gown , hat and booties to go into theatre with him while he was put to sleep . He kept trying to pull my hat off . After a while I realised that he wanted his own hat , which he proudly managed to put on his head all by himself ! We finally got called into theatre and I snuggled Felix on my lap until he went to sleep . The anaesthetist was fantastic ! He put the gas mask on Felix 's monkey and sock cat because " they both want to have a look at the mask " , and then put it close to Felix 's face . He then started blowing in and out , which Felix copied , making him go to sleep very quickly ( with his eyes wide open ) . I was told the surgery would only take fifteen minutes and , if I was lucky , I might be able to grab a quick coffee . I ran down to the cafe ( with Bekah , who was with me all day ) , and got a coffee and then rushed to the recovery room to wait for Felix . Just like last time , the fifteen minutes passed with no Felix . Other kids started returning who had gone into surgery after him and I started to get a bit anxious . Finally , after an hour and a half , I saw a gurney being pushed through the doors . The back rest was elevated and , perched on the top , on his tummy , was my little man . He looked so cute peeking over the top of the bed , just like he was peering over the edge of a cliff . He was very groggy and didn 't want cuddles for a while , he just wanted time to wake up . The surgery went well . They cleaned out his ears , especially the right one which was infected again and full of gunk , and put a new grommet in his right ear . It took a while longer than expected , but most of the delay was waiting for him to wake up from the anaesthetic . It seems Felix is like his Mummy and doesn 't like to wake up after surgery . I will be taking a break again from writing my blog for a while . There is a lot going on in our lives right now and I need some time to focus on a multitude of different things . Things like Facebook and my blog will be taking a back seat for a while . Make sure you check back in , from time to time , to see if I 'm back . Hopefully I 'll have lots of new stories to tell by then . Once again , thank you for your overwhelming support , with people reading my blog over 30 , 500 times in the past 15 months ! It 's really encouraging , to me , to know there are so many people willing to increase their understanding of what Down syndrome is , or support me while they are walking the same path as me . Stay tuned . . . . . Poor Felix ! His room is the coldest in our house and , lately , the temperature has been dropping really low overnight . We always put him to bed wearing so many layers that he can hardly move , and yet he still had icy cold feet when he woke up this morning . It would probably help if he kept his covers on but , he 's such a worm and kicks them off . He was extra toasty when I put him to bed tonight ; flannel pajamas , two pairs of socks and a onesie over the top . Hopefully his little toes will still be warm tomorrow morning . As you know , Felix loves his sock cat and his monkey . He loves them so much that he 's constantly covering them in kisses . His sock cat gets extra love ; he sucks on its ' arms and tail , making them incredibly soggy and , over time , quite stinky ! Today I decided they both needed a good wash , before Felix takes them with him for his surgery on Monday , so I put them in the washing machine while Felix watched me . He wasn 't quite sure what to think as he watched his little buddies swishing around and around , and kept looking at me with a puzzled look on his face . He gave them both extra big snuggles when I got them out of the clothes dryer . They were still warm and smelt beautiful and fresh , so they were extra nice to cuddle on a cold day . Felix got a little treat tonight . I was on the computer and noticed someone local was selling a Fisher Price piggy bank toy really cheaply . Felix has often used the same toy during his therapy sessions . It 's good to encourage fine motor skills , and it has always been one of his favourites . For some reason , I 've never been able to find one in our local shops ( we only have one shop that sells toys , so that 's probably why ! ) I quickly got in the car and drove around to pick it up . It looks almost brand new , which is a bonus ! Felix was so excited when he saw it , and played with it for 20 minutes without stopping . It even plays the music to Old MacDonald 's Farm which , of course , is Felix 's theme song at the moment . He sat ' ee , i , ee , i , oh - ing ' and snorting his very best pig sound as he put the coins in the top . Definitely a great find ! Tomorrow , Felix and I have to drive back to the city ready for Felix 's surgery , bright and early on Monday morning . I 'm hoping this trip will be a lot less eventful than the last one ! Felix 's surgery is to clean all of the wax from his ears ( he has so much , it 's impossible to see his eardrums ) , and to check what is happening with his grommets . Our local GP thought Felix 's right grommet had fallen out not long after his last surgery but , at our last visit , he thought he could see it but didn 't think it was in properly . I guess we will find out on Monday . Felix has had three ear infections in the five months since his last surgery . I really hope things improve because they are such awful things to have . We are so grateful that his hearing doesn 't seem to have been affected by his ear infections . Felix regularly signs the word ' hear ' when he notices a noise , and often that noise is really quiet , so that 's definitely a good sign . As usual , I feel a bit nervous about holding my baby while he 's put to sleep and then handing him over to a stranger , for his surgery . I know it 's only something very minor , but it never gets easier . My heart goes out to my friends who have had to endure endless major surgeries on their little ones . They have faced challenges I hope I will never have to . I have so much admiration for their strength and resilience . I don 't think I 've ever seen a kid more excited to get his hair cut ! Previously , Felix has always sat well , providing he didn 't have a cape on . Today he couldn 't get enough of the cape . He loved it and had lots of laughs and smiles as he watched his hands move underneath it , and lifted it up and down like a parachute . His hairdresser was wonderful with him ( having some gorgeous little Grandbabies of her own ) . She talked to him and played with his ipad . She even got underneath his cape with him , at the end , and had him cracking up laughing . Felix made sure he shared the love with the other hairdressers and made sure they all got a smile and a wave . One even signed ' thank you ' as he walked out the door . What a beautiful experience both for him , and for me . Oh . . . and he looks very handsome and grown up with his new haircut ! A while back , Felix had an assessment done by the Occupational Therapist . The idea was to see where he was at in terms of his development so we knew what we would need to focus on the most . I have been excitedly waiting for the report , and finally received it today . I have read a lot of stories from other Mum 's of kids with Down syndrome ( particularly in the US ) , who have to have these assessments done every year , and get quite upset when they are due to take their children for them . I didn 't really understand why they would get upset about it . I mean , isn 't it designed to help us with our children 's development ? How wrong was I ! The report was depressing . All it focused on , was what Felix couldn 't do . I felt really deflated . I guess I was expecting it to be balanced in some way , stating also , the things he could do well . I am under no illusions about Felix 's abilities . I know he has delays ; he always will ! I think the frustrating thing is that I wish these assessments could be done by placing cameras in our home for a week , to observe our kids in their home environment , to give a more accurate representation of their abilities . Felix was in a bit of a ' mood ' on the day of the assessment . He didn 't appreciate having an activity put in front of him , only to have it taken away 2 minutes later and another one put in it 's place . He started to get frustrated and started throwing the blocks and toys off the table and onto the floor . He was bored , and wasn 't into it at all , so he barely finished any of the ' tests ' ( I 'd like to see any ' typical ' two year old be totally cooperative for an hour under those circumstances ) . The OT has spent a lot of time with Felix and she knows what he is capable of but , unfortunately , the testing required her only to note down the way he performed on the day ! The results of the testing showed that Felix needs to do lots of activities to strengthen his hands , which we already knew previously . The rest of the results really stated the obvious . He has delays in both his fine and gross motor skills and lacks strength in his upper body . All of these are things we had been working on anyway and , are a given when you have a child with Down syndrome . Will we do the testing again ? I don 't think so ; at least not for a while . It may be a good thing to do before Felix starts school , so that his teachers have a grasp of what he will need help with but , to be honest , I think a letter from his Kindy teacher , giving a balance of what he can do , and what he needs help with , would probably be a lot more useful . I feel like all this assessment says is , " Felix has Down syndrome , so he has delays " . I 'm pretty sure that we didn 't need an ' official ' assessment to tell us that . I must note , that Felix 's Occupational Therapist is lovely and has been really good with Felix . My view on the testing is in no way a reflection on her , she was only doing the assessment in the way it was designed . I know that if she had to write down her own personal observations , over her time with Felix , it would be a lot more balanced . Well . . . that 's my gripe for today . It 's one of the frustrations of having a child with a disability . It seems that a lot of time is spent addressing what they can 't do . This is a necessity , in one way , because it means we can give them extra help so that one day they are able to do things they once had difficulty with , and when that happens , it is so exciting . On the other hand , sometimes it 's nice to have a break and spend time celebrating all the things they can do , and forget about the hours and hours of therapies and appointments . They deserve it ; they work so much harder than the rest of us . Imagine if , every day , we had to get up and work on all the things we 're not good at over and over again . Imagine having to practice walking , or doing repetitive activities day in and day out , without a break . That is life for a person with a disability . No wonder they are often some of the most resilient , patient , and hard working people we will ever meet . They don 't always have the luxury of just ' taking it easy ' . Everything they do takes much more concentration and effort . Felix really is my hero . He takes on life with so much love and a huge smile , even though it 's often challenging for him . He is incredible ! My internet has been so frustrating the past few days , cutting in and out . I have tried to write my blog , but it was impossible . Hopefully it 's all been sorted out today and I 'll have a bit more success . Felix has been a delight lately . Even though I am frantically packing up the house to move , he has still found ways to have fun and entertain himself . Empty , or half packed , boxes are a two year old 's best friend , and he has been making the most of finding lots of new hiding holes wherever he can . Book shelves and cupboards , free of their usual fullness , have been perfect for him to climb in and on . He has barely played with his toys because there are way too many fun things to investigate at the moment . I got some enormous yellow slippers for Mother 's Day and Felix is fascinated with them . I watched him , a couple of days ago , sitting on the floor trying really hard to put them on his own feet . After some persistence , he managed to get one of them on , but had the other one backwards . He tried to stand up , but found it a little bit difficult . He studied his feet for a while until he realised his mistake . He took off the backward one and turned it around the right way . I didn 't think he would have a chance of being able to walk in them ; I can barely do it but , true to form , he stood up and walked away like he 'd been doing it for years ! Always full of surprises that kid ! Due to packing , and lots of rearranging , the computer is currently sitting on the coffee table in the corner of our lounge room . Yesterday morning , I walked in the room to find Felix with the boy 's headphones on , the computer mouse in one hand , and his other hand busily typing on the keyboard . He knows he 's not allowed to touch the computer but , I must admit , I was pretty impressed with his skills . He must have been watching his big brothers because he knew exactly what to do . I felt a bit emotional , like I do every time I see him doing something new . His capacity to learn is so huge ! Kids with Down syndrome can never be underestimated . They really are amazing little people , with so much potential , they just need to be given the opportunity . My funny Felix story of the week happened at dinner time last night . He has been snacking a lot lately during the day , on fruit , sultanas and sandwiches , so he hasn 't been eating much in the evening . Last night I put his bowl of food , and his fork , on his high chair and he promptly threw them both across the room . I picked up his hand , gave him a gentle smack on his fingers and firmly said , " No " . His expression didn 't change , he didn 't look even the tiniest bit surprised or upset . Instead , he smacked his own hand , copying what I had done . I tried to keep my expression serious , but it was such an unexpected reaction that I had to fight to keep a straight face ! ! We have such a funny little guy . It was Felix 's second group speech session today . He was pretty excited to be going up to the hospital because he loves seeing the Speech Pathologist and playing games with her . His excitement didn 't last long because , when we were in the waiting room , one of the other little boys in his class started crying quite loudly . Felix 's response was to cover his ears and hide under the chair . Even when it was time to head to the therapy room , he buried his head in my shoulder and refused to look at anyone . The session started with the ' welcome song ' . Felix couldn 't bear to miss out , so he kept his head in my lap but still managed to do the signs he knew , and wave to his little friends , by putting his hands behind his back . It looked like he had his arms on backwards and was pretty funny . All the parents couldn 't help but giggle at him . He was determined to join in even if he had to reduce the noise by having his head buried . It was great improvisation on his part , and kept us all entertained . As the session progressed , the same little boy who had been crying earlier , started again . Poor little guy , it just wasn 't his day . It was quite noisy , especially as the room is small and Felix really found it hard to cope with . I was so proud of him though because , despite his level of discomfort , he put in an effort to participate in the activities . His favourite thing this morning was choosing from a variety of different pictures of vehicles , and signing what it was and then posting the picture into the crocodile 's mouth . The crocodile was made out of cardboard and Felix thought it was great . The Speech Pathologist made it snap its ' teeth when Felix put the picture in its ' mouth . He loves it when we sign crocodile with our hands , and snap them towards him , so this activity was right up his alley . He hid his face when it wasn 't his turn , but always joined in when it was his turn to choose . Baby steps , but we 're getting there . Felix has made such huge improvements in his ability to construct things with blocks . I kept the baby Duplo I had when the other kids were small , and it has been perfect for Felix 's hands . He finds the regular Duplo a bit difficult to separate , but the baby ones with the rounded shape have been so helpful for him . He now builds elaborate towers and will concentrate for a long time on what he is making . Last night I noticed him lining up the blocks neatly in a row . He spent ages doing it and seemed quite pleased with himself when they were all lined up nice and straight . He 's happy to pack the blocks up when he is finished , but once the toybox is full , he likes to tip them all back out again , so we 're halfway there ! Today , our new neighbour came in for a visit . Felix loved having a new audience and put on his best performance , smiling and being his usual charming self . He is into counting at the moment and , even though he can 't say the words , I know what he is doing . He kept touching our neighbours ' shoulder and then coming over to touch mine . I counted ' one ' when he touched her , and ' two ' when he touched me . He kept going back and forth for a while . He loves it when he knows he 's being understood . He was making great sounds , attempting to say the words . After counting for a while , he decided to touch our noses and then his own . I 'm glad our new neighbour is quite laid back because Felix didn 't respect any personal boundaries today . He wanted to be up close and personal ! She didn 't seem to mind . I think he had her wrapped around his finger pretty quickly ! Felix wasn 't quite himself at Kindergym today . There were a lot of kids there and quite a few were ' squealers ' . Felix kept looking at me , with a sad face , signing ' hear ' and then covering his ears . It was way too loud for him . He wasn 't very happy at all , poor little man . Whenever the noise quietened down , he played and jumped but , as soon as it got loud again , he curled up in a little ball with his hands over his ears . I really felt for him because I could tell he really wanted to play , but the noise was too overwhelming . Even at song time , Felix was really excited , but the little one next to him just kept squealing so he buried his head in my lap . He was ready to go by the end , signing ' finished , goodbye and car ' . I got the hint ! Even when we got home , Felix was a little bit sad . He looks like he 's getting a bit of a cold . His nose is bright red and he 's coughing a bit . His ' number 2 's ' have been pretty putrid too , so we 'll just have to wait it out and see if it develops into anything . He only had to bump himself slightly today and he started to cry . If the dogs wagged their tail near his face , or pushed past him , he sat down broken hearted . He certainly wasn 't much of a tough guy today . Hopefully he won 't get too sick . He 's due to have his next lot of surgery on his ears in a couple of weeks , so we need him nice and healthy for that . Our little man is loving his new big bed . Often , at sleep time , one of the bigger boys will go and climb into bed with Felix for cuddles . He thinks it 's hilarious and hides from them under his quilt . Aaron and Isaiah are so good with him . They tickle him and play with him , making him laugh his head off . They sing songs with him and keep up with his demands of doing the actions to his favourite songs . His bed is so big , compared to his tiny little body , that he can roll around and be really restless , but still stay on the bed without falling off . It 's perfect ! Felix was one of only two little ones at his Special Needs Playgroup this morning . He was in his element . He pretty much had the whole place to himself , so he did lots of exploring and playing , and quite a bit of vocalising . When I asked him about the toy butterfly he was holding , he actually said " butta - iy " I actually thought I might have misheard him but , when Felix 's teacher said , " He just said butterfly " , I knew it wasn 't just my imagination . He seems to find ' B ' words the easiest to say . He consistently says ' ball ' and ' book ' and will also say ' baby ' and ' brother ' ( buvu ) sometimes . He is slowly starting to use different sounds as he plays and , although they haven 't developed into specific words yet , he is certainly building his repertoire and I 'm so proud of his efforts . We always sing a ' goodbye ' song at the end of playgroup . The words are Where is Felix ? Where is Felix ? There he is . There he is . Hope you had a good time . Hope you had a good time . Goodbye to you . Goodbye to you . We use key signing with Felix , so we don 't sign every single word . In this song we sign the word ' where ' , and then his name ( which is the first letter of his name signed twice ) . We then point to Felix ( there he is ) . We sign the word ' good ' and then wave ' goodbye ' . I am so pleased to say that Felix did every single sign / action today for the very first time . He did such a great job and looked like he was thoroughly enjoying it . When it was time to sing to his little friend , he pointed to her , signed ' good ' and waved goodbye as well . Such an amazing little person . After Felix had breakfast this morning , he went off to play while I got organised for the day . A few minutes later I could hear a thud , and then silence , then another thud . Then I heard Felix make one of his frustrated noises before another thud . Eventually , after a few more ' thuds ' , Felix limped his way into my room , with one bare foot and the other in one of my big sneakers . He had a huge smile on his face and looked pretty proud of his efforts . At least it explained what all the noise was . . . him desperately trying to lift my shoe off the ground with each step . I was pretty impressed that he managed to get all the way up the hallway . His ankles are so floppy due to hypotonia , so it was probably great exercise for him . I don 't know how many of you remember me telling you the story of Iris , a beautiful little girl with Down syndrome , who passed away due to complications from pulmonary hypertension . It really shook up all of us in the Down syndrome community who had been following her story . I woke up this morning to the beautiful news that her Mummies are expecting another baby later this year . It has been such a heartbreaking time for them as they have had to adjust to life without their precious little one . Although Iris will never be forgotten and will always be an important part of their lives , I 'm so glad that they will , once more , have a little life to fill their arms and bring them joy . Congratulations girls x x x I love looking at the world through Felix 's eyes . He observes everything with so much wonder and delight . He notices so many things about the world around him , which I usually take for granted . I 'm sure he has a sixth sense about when people need a bit of cheering up too . Yesterday , at the shops , he had so many people stop to tell him how happy his smile made them . One lady commented that he had the most infectious laugh . It 's always so much fun to watch him interact with people and see , even the saddest looking people , walk away from him with a smile . Felix was sitting on a coin operated Thomas the Tank Engine outside the supermarket yesterday . He loves trains and had walked over to it signing ' train ' . He was studying it all over , pressing the buttons and looking at the wheels . After a couple of minutes , a cleaner came to empty the bin alongside the train . Felix climbed down quietly , and stood next to her and watched her ; she was much more interesting than the train . She was busily doing her job and didn 't notice him at first but , after a while , she looked down at him and her whole face lit up . She told him that he had the most beautiful eyes and such a gorgeous smile . He thought it was great and stood grinning at her for a while before he set off on his next adventure ; the butcher shop . . . . . Felix has a fascination for those giant statue animals , often seen outside a butcher store , or used for advertising , or in a themed restaurant . He loves them . . . . . from a distance . Our local butcher has a large cow , standing on its ' hind legs , on one side of the shop , and a big statue of a jolly butcher on the other . Felix thinks the cow is especially great , and took off signing ' cow ' and rushing over to it as fast as his little legs would go . He stopped a couple of metres away , still frantically signing ' cow ' and intermittently pointing at it . I picked him up to take him over to touch it . The noise Felix makes when he 's frightened of something like that is a little hard to explain ; it 's a bit like the sound a cat makes when you step on its ' tail , just short and sharp . He made that sound and quickly climbed up my shoulder , also like a cat . I touched the cow myself , to see if Felix would relax enough to do the same , but he wasn 't having a bar of it . I took him over to the statue of the butcher and he had the same reaction . He was fascinated , but there was no way he was going to touch it . Yesterday morning , Felix attended his first group speech session . There were only two other children there so it was a nice , small group , perfect for Felix . The theme for the week was animals , so the Speech Pathologist had set up three little toy barns for the children to play with . First , the children had to find the animals that were hiding around the room . Felix enjoyed searching for his animals and took them back to his barn and started to play with them . After a couple of minutes , he started looking at the barn a little boy next to him was playing with . I was completely shocked when he got up , and walked over to the little boy , sat down close to him and started looking at his barn . The Speech Pathologist elbowed me ; she was as surprised as me that Felix had initiated playing with another child . It was brilliant . . . . . until the other little boy decided that he didn 't want Felix to play with him , and shouted right in his face . Oops ! One step forward , two steps back . Felix dropped his bottom lip , moved to a safe distance and then lay prostrate on the floor . It didn 't last long because the next activity was singing and Felix won 't let anything stand in the way of him singing ! What was the song we sang ? You guessed it . . . Old MacDonald ! It 's been an exhausting couple of days , for both me and Felix . I made a spur of the moment decision to do a trip to the city , on Tuesday , with Felix . My plan was to do a bit of shopping and catch up with some of our older kids , and get to the final Early Intervention at Down Syndrome SA , to say goodbye to the coordinator who is leaving . The trip usually takes 4 hours each way , so I 'd planned to set out early on Tuesday morning , stay overnight and drive home on Wednesday . I didn 't sleep well on Monday night . My stomach didn 't feel good , but I put it down to something I ate for dinner the night before . I woke up already tired , but determined to get away early for our long drive . The car was packed , and Felix and I left town at 7am . Fifteen minutes out of town , one of my brand new tyres went flat and I quickly pulled off the highway and called the RAA for help . They took an hour to arrive , changed my tyre and I drove back in to town to the place that had put on my new tyre . They were puzzled as to what had happened because there was no puncture , so they replaced it for free and I left for my second attempt at driving to the city . All this time , Felix had happily sat and played with his sock cat , and watched his Play School DVD in the car ( such a great invention ! ) At 9 . 30am , I made my second attempt at starting our 4 hour journey . An hour and a half into our trip , the tyre on the opposite side of the car went flat . This time , we were literally in the middle of nowhere . I phoned the RAA a second time and waited . . . . and waited . . . . and waited . It ended up , they had driven in the opposite direction to what I had told them , so they couldn 't find me . After an hour and a half , my patience was disappearing fast . Thankfully , a farmer who was out in a paddock , saw Felix and I standing on the side of the road and came to our rescue . He was so lovely and changed the tyre quickly and we were on our way again . This time , I had to drive another 80km to another tyre place to get the second one replaced ; there was no puncture in that one either ! ! They took off all my tyres and checked them , then sent us on our way . We finally made it to the city at 5pm . . . . 10 hours after we had started . Soon after we arrived ( at Joel and Bekah 's house ) , I started vomiting . Aaaaaaagh ! ! ! What a day ! ! There is a huge , long , freight train which travels along the highway which has so many carriages , they would be difficult to count . When Felix and I were stuck on the side of the road , I could see it coming in the distance . I pointed it out to Felix and he started signing ' train ' . He was so excited to see it up close and his eyes didn 't leave it . When the engine got near us , the driver waved and tooted the horn for Felix . It was pretty awesome ! Felix thought it was great and it certainly broke up the monotony of being stuck with a broken down car . The train driver will never know how much I appreciated it . There is only so much you can do to entertain a two year old on the side of a highway ! I know I affectionately call Felix 's favourite stuffed animal , the ' ugly ' sock cat , but I will be much nicer to it from now on . That sock cat kept Felix from complete boredom during our ridiculously long day . He played with it , making it jump and dance . He sat it on his head and turned it upside down . He chewed it and sucked on its ' tail . The cutest thing , by far , was when he put it over his shoulder and said , " Ahhhh " while he patted it on the back . I can 't believe how long it kept his attention . So a huge thank you to sock cat ( and to Amy for her choice of gift for her little brother ) . Spending time with Bekah , Joel and Mel , and , of course , little Noah , was the highlight of our trip ( and a very brief hello to Daniel and Cate ) . I was feeling lousy , but they made sure I had a comfy bed ready and a yummy home cooked meal . Little Noah showed off , taking some of his first steps by himself , over and over again . Such a clever boy . He and Felix played really well together , sharing toys and giving each other kisses . Felix was so thankful to be out of the car and enjoyed having his nephew to play with . He was such a trooper all day , never complaining and not crying once throughout the whole trip . He really is precious . We got home with all four tyres intact , last night . Felix was so tired , he just wanted to go to bed , as did I . He slept well , but has been a little bit unhappy today . I 'm hoping it 's just because he 's worn out from the trip and he 's not getting sick again . Poor little man kept tripping over things and bumped his head a couple of times , which is very unusual for him . He has been extra snuggly and felt a little bit warm before he went to bed . Hopefully another good sleep will help him feel better . When I look at Felix , I see a perfectly ' normal ' two year old , developing at the same rate as all his siblings did . I don 't really think about milestones , and can 't really remember at what age the other kids did things , unless I consult their baby books . It 's not until I go on Facebook and read someone 's status about a conversation they had with their two year old , that I 'm reminded , " Oh , that 's right , the other kids were having quite grown up conversations by two ! " Does it upset me ? I can honestly say it doesn 't bother me at all . I know the same can 't be said , for other parents of kids with Down syndrome , and that 's perfectly OK too . We are all different . I 'm sure I probably stress about things which other parents wouldn 't . We all have different experiences to share . I 've often wondered why the whole milestone thing doesn 't bother me too much and , I 've come to the conclusion , that after having 7 other ' typical ' kids , who seemed to grow up overnight , I 'm enjoying the slower pace that comes from having Felix . I remember , as a young Mum , feeling like there was a lot of competition , in baby groups , to see who 's child was the first to reach certain milestones . It was like you earned bragging rights if your child was the first to sit up , or the first to take his / her steps . There was a silent pressure to make sure your child was ' up to par ' or behaving appropriately . This time around , Felix is just Felix . It 's not a competition . People ( in ' regular ' baby groups ) , don 't expect Felix to be doing everything their kids are doing , so when he does , people seem genuinely excited with me . There is such a wide range of what is ' average ' for children with Down syndrome . Some kids talk extremely early , and some are still developing their speech as young adults . Some will be running around and climbing at age 2 , while others are still learning to sit up . We , as parents of kids with Down syndrome , realise that our kids have to work so much harder , than ' typical ' kids to do to learn the things they do , so the celebration when they do reach a milestone is something we all celebrate together ! I was talking to Felix 's playgroup teacher this morning , and telling her about my realisation that Felix isn 't talking , like other two year olds yet . Her reaction wasn 't what I expected , but I agree with her 100 % . She pointed out that he is communicating just as well as other two year olds , just in a different way , and it 's true . Felix uses signs consistently now and , what he can 't sign yet , he will tell us in other ways . For example , every time he sees a fly inside the house , he motions with his hand in a ' Shoo , fly ' motion . He will notice the tiniest fly , that I haven 't even seen yet and he will let me know where it is so I can get rid of it . Another example was when I was pushing Felix on a swing today . He had been on it for such a long time , so I stopped it and asked if he wanted to get off . I held out my arms to him and he gently pushed them away and started rocking his body to get the swing to start moving again . He hadn 't finished . He wanted to keep swinging . Felix has been in the best mood , these past few days . He has been full of life , and wanting to play and interact with everybody . Last week , at playgroup , he lay on the floor all morning but , today , he ran around outside and played . He pushed a toy car around , threw some balls and crawled through the tunnel . Inside , he enjoyed spending time with his therapists , building towers with blocks and playing in the sensory box . He especially liked playing with the Old MacDonalds farm board , sticking on the velcro animals , signing the ones he knew as he put them on the board . Of course he had to sing , too . . . . . " ee , i , ee , i , oh ! " Posted by I ordered Felix a double bed , about a week ago and we went to pick it up yesterday . I 'm not a huge fan of leather - look beds , but the design was perfect for what we wanted for Felix . It 's really low to the ground ( about the same as his toddler bed ) , and the soft sides are perfect for him to climb up and down on . He was forever bashing his head against the side of his toddler bed , being such a worm when he sleeps , but won 't have those problems with this nice , soft one . Hopefully it will last him well into his teenage / early adulthood years ( as long as he doesn 't decide to chew on it ! ) I 'm looking forward to having a comfy spot to lay next time he 's sick ; it will sure beat laying on the floor ! I decided , in my infinite wisdom , to ' quickly ' put the bed together before Felix 's bedtime ( it was already 5 . 30pm at this point ) . I have put together many pieces of furniture and like to think I can match the boys with my assembly skills . This bed , however , proved to be a challenge . I 'm sure that when the manufacturers of furniture design these things , they have an evil laugh as they imagine us mere mortals trying to put them together . It took forever to assemble it ! It didn 't help that he was trying to assist me , balancing screws along the edge of the bed and then putting them in his mouth ; climbing and touching everything in sight . I was trying to be patient but , after dropping a piece on my leg and then cutting my finger , it was a struggle . Finally , after 7pm , Felix 's bed was complete and there it stood , literally covered in my blood , sweat and tears ! He thought it was fantastic . He climbed on it , rolled on it and lay on his pillow with his monkey and sock cat . His brothers tested it out and both said how lucky Felix was and asked why they didn 't get to have a double bed as well ? Isaiah and Aaron have already decided that they will have sleepovers in Felix 's room sometimes , as long as he doesn 't wriggle too much . Bedtime came along , and Felix was more than happy to snuggle up on his new bed and wave goodnight . Everything was quiet through the baby monitor , so I assumed he had gone peacefully to sleep , and had images in my mind , of his tiny little body in that big bed . Just before I went to bed , I went to check on Felix . There he was , sound asleep , on the floor ! After all my efforts there he was , looking quite cosy , all curled up on the floor next to the bed . He obviously wasn 't quite sure about his new bed . I carefully picked him up and put him up on it , and patted him until he was back in a deep sleep . I heard lots of tossing and turning during the night , so I 'm not sure if he stayed on the bed the entire time or not . Felix happily went to sleep , on his new bed , for his day sleep today so hopefully he 'll stay there all night as well . He must have been tired tonight because he carried his monkey , his cat , and a cushion from his bed , out into the kitchen earlier , to give me the not - so - subtle hint that it was bed time . When I took him to his room , he snuggled onto his bed , with his bottom up in the air and his arms tucked underneath him , ready to go to sleep . We have had such a beautiful day together today . He has been in a gorgeous mood ; so happy and cuddly . As I kissed him goodnight tonight , I felt extra thankful that he came into our lives . Even on days when life seems out of control and full of sadness , he is a ray of sunshine . He knows nothing but joy , and it 's infectious ! I 've always loved the fact that Felix is so good at entertaining himself ; enjoying his ' alone ' time and using his imagination . As a Mum , of a two year old , I 'm always a little bit suspicious if Felix goes too quiet , so I will peek into the room to make sure he 's OK , but I do it quietly so I don 't disturb him if he 's enjoying being by himself . Yesterday , he went really quiet , so I crept into the room to see what he was up to . He had got all of his plastic bowling pins out of his toy box , and was trying to stand them all up . Two of them stood up easily , but the third one kept falling over on the soft carpet . I was amazed at Felix 's patience as he persisted over and over ( about 6 times ) , before it finally stayed upright . He then moved onto the fourth pin , which stood up easily but , while standing it up , he knocked over the third one with his arm . He patiently went back to it , and repeated the same process again . Eventually he had all six pins standing in a row . He looked very satisfied with his achievement , and then used his finger to point at each one . I knew he was counting them , even though he can 't actually say the words , so I started counting out loud " one . . . two . . . three . . . " He looked up at me with a massive smile and I could tell he was so pleased that I knew exactly what he was doing . We counted them a few more times before he laughed and knocked them all over . Felix had a friend over to play yesterday . He did his usual ' shy ' thing , for the first ten minutes or so , hiding his face and peeking out between his fingers , but after that he was fine . His little friend is almost twice as tall as Felix , and quite chatty but , for some reason , Felix doesn 't seem to be worried about him . His friend has Autism , so it was really interesting for me to watch him and Felix together ; both kids with a ' disability ' , but both of them so full of personality and joy , it was absolutely beautiful . They each have a language all their own , but they seemed to connect with each other . When I put Felix to bed , for his sleep , his little friend followed me into the room , sat on the edge of the bed and leaned his face close to Felix 's . Usually , that would freak Felix out , but it didn 't . His friend said something to Felix in his own little language , and then said , " night , night " . Talk about cute ! ! I was folding the washing this morning and , as usual , Felix was being a big helper . When I walked out of the room to put some clothes away , Felix had been wrestling with a fitted sheet , giggling his head off as he hid underneath it . Just before I came back , I could hear a ' protesting ' sound coming from the room . Wondering what I was going to find , I walked back into the room to find Felix with the sheet wrapped around his head , and both of his arms . It looked hilarious , but he was completely stuck . He wasn 't crying , but he was definitely trying to tell me that he needed some help . Being a mean Mum , I quickly took a couple of photos first , before rescuing Felix from the sheet that was attacking him . It was too good a photo opportunity to pass up . This morning Felix and I went to Kindergym . We went to a later session that we usually do and there were only five children there , including Felix . It was perfect for him because he had plenty of room to play without coming face to face with a lot of other kids . As usual , he was fascinated with watching the children jumping on the trampoline . He gets mesmerised by them and I 'm sure he 'd love to be up there jumping just as high . I picked him up and helped him jump on the big padded gymnastic mats , as high as my arms could lift him . He laughed so much and every time I stopped , he signed ' again ' . I did it until my arms couldn 't do it anymore and then threw myself on the mat next to him . He gave me big cuddles ; I know he appreciated that I 'd helped him : ) I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person .

He arrived in the family business , where he worked as an IT operator - apart from all the other things he was doing for the business - at nine to ten . Always punctual , always right . On time . The big boss was there early in the morning as always . His children usually arrived lately , from ten o clock and after that . He said good morning to the big boss , who smoked a lot and drank Greek coffee , being as usual moody and with a long face , but he got no answer . He sat at his desk , opened the computer and started working . He did not understand how time passed . It was half past ten a . m . It was the time that the daughter of the big boss entered the office . She had at least the " courtesy " to say good morning to him . She always said good morning to him . Hey asshole , how is it going eh ? Good morning ! Have you printed the e - mails ? Do we have any new order ? He often thought that her father had spent a fortune for her studies in England . Bachelor and Master 's degree in Economics and so on and on . But she never obtained manners though . He thought of his own father , who spent a fortune in women and card games . He was prone to passions and addictions , spending in general . He never spent any money for his son 's education nor care for his current plight . He spoke with him rarely and by pretending that everything was fine , in the phone . He had now grown old and lived alone , widower for five years now , in the province with his pension . And so his son never went to college , nor had " typical " qualifications . There was no " Certificate " in his hands . The only qualification that he had was what we call simply ' experienced ' . In that way he struggled to survive . We had an order . From the state of Bironas . He replied to her and immediately printed the relevant email . He marked with bright color the background information for her . They wanted everything printed . They burned down whole forests , and put many papers into huge binders . They did not care . They had money . After a while her brother also appeared . He was along the same lines as his sister as well . Good morning . Is my father inside ? He was always smiling ironic and not respecting anyone . He only feared his father that he had the money and made the shots . He was not counting anyone else . And so he did . He could not do otherwise , anyway . He got up from his chair and headed for the boss 's office that was at the end of the corridor . Before having made five steps , suddenly and without realizing anything he was sprawling on the floor with his face down . He didn 't even have a clue of what had happened . He had stumbled somewhere ? Stepped on something ? Did he slip over ? But where ? No sooner that he even stood up and searched for the cause of his fall , he heard hysterical laughs . It was the boss 's son . He burst into the laughter because of his fall . He was staring at him , waiting for him to get up . Just to see his reaction . For God 's sake ! He had stumbled him ! Oh well ! Wasn 't he supposed to go to the bank ? How did he get back there , and why ? When did he managed to go from the other door to the hallway ? Did he lie about the bank ? Was it true , but before going to the bank he wanted to make some fun ? Why he stumbled him ? Why did he stretch his leg like that , while he was hiding behind the door ? What 's for him to blame ? Were they children in the primary school ? Maybe in the context of his duties , also was a jester 's service . His sister also arrived soon . What have happened here ? Ah well you both are total animals ! And she laughed with the well - known ironic style of the family , while she was doing the masturbation gesture . He stood up without speaking , without protesting , without making any comment . Fortunately he wasn 't injured . He swallowed it and returned to his office . He continued his work as if nothing had happened . Embarrassed . Embarrassed against himself , against his grandfather who hosted a forty year old man in his house . For a moment he remembered the past . He was married to Olga once . For ten years . Having no children . They divorced . Just like that . It wasn 't getting anywhere . He never saw her again . They lived quite well then . He had his own business . His own business with men 's clothes that left him flat broke . Fate had ruined him back then . He returned briefly in the present time . And the day passed like that . As always . He was there in front of the computer and the bosses , both younger and older ones , identical and unchanged , sometimes carried on by nerves , sometimes disparagingly , sometimes sarcastically , and that day also tripping . It was almost noon . He was getting hungry . He took the toast with cheese and tomato that he brought from his home . The son entered the office . He had indeed gone to the bank . After tripping him . After the joke . I was late but it was crowded . I also went to the tax office too . Crowded and there … Hey ! Your salary ! Take it ! Count them . Six hundred euros . Take them and spend them well … It was 25th of the current month . Payday . Fortunately it was always consistently . Six hundred euros . He looked at the son , he said shyly a " thank you " and looked intensely at the computer screen once again . He finished his work as always , at five o clock . He got again two trains to go home . One subway and one suburban . Before returning home , he passed from the supermarket to shop some necessary things . He opened the door of the old ground floor apartment in Ano Liosia and saw his grandfather watching TV sitting in his armchair in the living room . Good evening . I brought you , your favorite cookies . The round ones with the chocolate chips inside . Let me make you Turkish coffee as well like the way you like it . He asked him tenderly waiting his the positive nod . She looks him in the eyes . She cannot take her eyes of him . Even if he doesn 't know what he is saying , within his delirium . It is not obvious what she likes in him . Incomprehensible with what he pulls her close to him . Two dogs are ripping a mattress in a park . The two of them sitting in the terrace . He wants to drink more , and she is trying to prevent him . In vain . His stubbornness hasn 't left him still . Suddenly , he gets up to leave . She gets up and starts to follow him . I remember my love . We have lied on the pebbles . Proudly trees would send us the " Hail " and willingly meadows , in the seduction of the wind , with flowers we have left in our path . My beautiful eyes , my world was created for you , and how can I even forget you ? I 'm on the seabed . I have uninsured my eyelids and I can hear the sound from your big seashell . My body doesn 't exist anymore . A coral that doesn 't move , I am standing here waiting for you , my love . And now voices that turn to screams . The sky is ripped in two ! Heavy words , countless hordes are coming upon her , really , for how long he had well hidden his words , terrible words that break her heart , words of no return , but still bears . Her castles are collapsing , one by one , she insists , there upright still . She said nothing . She only caressed his hair . A faint smile , that didn 't stood joy than sorrow . And then she turned and disappeared into the black night . I was sitting in the old armchair that have faded within the years . Bill for sure would have picked her from the rubbish , definitely . My head terribly ached and I thought it was going to break so I was clasping it in my two hands . I had already shaved it completely and I could see the veins casting angrily like they wanted to get out and leave . I was six days clean from drugs and dirty , almost a week without having a shower . Six days without drugs , incredible . I had to endure this time , I had placed a bet with myself . I began to tremble , though it was warm enough inside the room and on the top of my body I was not wearing anything . But that is the deprivation . A cigarette would be just great right now . But I did not have any . I searched the room carefully , nothing . I went to the other room where Bill was sleeping . He had slept for two days now , I do not know , he may have died . However cigarettes was not something that he had . I bent over and looked under the bed . On the edge I saw a half - butt . I snuggled beneath , stretched myself and with my fingers I reached it . Great joy . I lit it immediately and I sucked what have left of the cigarette with just one breath . That was good , it would keep me for a while and I would probably chill up a little bit , and maybe get some sleep . I went and sank back into the old chair . I finally woke up after five hours , and it was almost dark outside . My head was feeling heavy still . I felt like I had a heavy bag on top of my head , like the ones , they have these black women in Africa . I went to drink some water . I felt very weak , my legs kept me no more . I laid back in the armchair . Deprivation was really intense now . I could not stand still and my body reacted in a bad way . What would I do ? I was in a furious state . My eye caught , a white classic , simple keychain . It had been given to me by the rehab sessions I have been . To be honest , I went there just once . They gave other colours as well , but the white meant that I haven 't taken my dose for one day . One day . No big deal . Bullshit . I had to do something . I did not have money for even one dose . I went inside and began searching Bill 's pockets hoping that I would find something , but in vain . A dose would be alright , and would keep me for a while . I said that I will not backslide again , to fool myself . But we all know that if you have been addicted , several times with a hundred times has no difference , and you backslide again . I sat back in the chair and tried to think of something . Until I looked at my fingers , my wedding ring with which I mechanically played . I was wearing it even it was about one year , almost , that I have broken up with my wife . I used to say to her that I would stop taking my dose and now I haven 't even stopped . Now I do not need my wedding ring I thought , it is completely useless . I took it and I lifted up . I looked inside . We had carved the date of our wedding . Does she still have her own ? It was pure gold , it would give me good money . I have put it in my pocket , I wore a T - shirt that I found in front of me and I took my coat . I began to walk , until the pawn shop . I was hurry enough in the road because time has passed and I did not know if I would anticipate it open . What would I do after ? I was in a desperate situation . The pawn shops must stay overnight like the pharmacies , I thought . After twenty minutes I had arrived . It was the entrance first , and in the middle of the room there were bars . It was like entering a cell . In the background behind it was safe . He never opened the cell to get out . You were passing him through the bars , whatever you wanted , he then was taking it , weighed it and after all these he was giving you the money . He knew me , because sometimes , I brought other crap . Nothing important , but trifles . I pulled out my wedding ring and gave it to him . He took it in his hand and weighed it , quickly . After he lifted it to the light and looked at it with the lens . He went to the safe and opened it . He put inside the ring and he gave me the money . He has given them through the bars . I hastily grabbed them and left without even saying hello . Sixty euros , I thought . The thief , he is taking advantage of people in need . Anyway , I took sixty euros that make us , two doses . I went straight for the dealer piazza that was on the other side of town . I felt the strength of my legs to drop slowly . I was almost dragging my feet , I was no longer walking . I arrived after almost an hour . I found the dealer . I give him the money and he walks away . That was the way of dealing drugs now . They won 't keep the doses in their standing place . Many times things went wrong and they had lost a lot of money . Luckily the prices have not changed and I was able to get two doses . Lately , though the doses were not strong enough and two doses were needed in order to get high . The dealer came after a minute with two small papers in his hands . We shook hands and then I left . I went straight home . I could not wait to take my dose . I felt like a little kid who 's been given a gift and I could not wait to open it . After another hour I have finally arrived home . As I walked quickly I became really sweaty . I removed my blouse over me , and threw it on the chair . I went into the kitchen to get the paraphernalia . They have been always there , hiding in the coffee cupboard . Bill was still asleep - now I was sure that he had died . I returned to the room and placed the things needed on the table . I put out the two doses from my pocket , and I slowly began to prepare . It was difficult to find a vein . All of my veins have been destroyed by the needles . Finally , I found one that has escaped . It was down in the leg and I took my dose . I immediately prepared and the second , and I did it also quickly . Anyway , with the first one , I did not understand a thing . It began to travel really slowly inside me and I felt the freeze in my veins as I felt the effect of my dose . My body eased now , and at the moment I found my sobriety . After a while the headache passed that kept for almost three days . So I left everything on the table and went to fall again asleep in the worn armchair . I smiled a bit and then I thought , what a low level have I reached to give my wedding ring so to take my dose . It was certainly the first time I have done something like that . Love has saved me other times as well . From tomorrow I will stop taking drugs , like the other times . I felt asleep in the armchair … . I was born one day . It was January the 1st , 1990 and I started traveling . Suddenly on my roαd I found my words and began to gather all of them so as to make a treasure that people would see and make them lose their train of thoughts . Since I was a little child I had the tendency to write . As my parents never bought me the camera that I always asked as a teenager , I was determined to imprint with paper and pencils - which were always plenty in my drawer - my own little world , with the people and their own stories . Writing , moreover , was giving me another advantage that didn 't take me long to realize . To be able let the fantasy go out in the streets and get into houses , the known and the unknown ones , and paint simply enough with thousands of colors the voices , the lives and the ideas of every human being . And afterwards to catch the dreams with any kind of shape and place them into colorful worlds made of paper . That is why anyway , I chose in my life to occupy with the profession of the journalist . People say it is a great happiness to make your hobby a profession . And that is something I truly believe it is right , although sometimes the responsibilities and duties that a profession like that carries with it , really scares me . I was tidying up a few files in my computer doing in the meanwhile some corrections when I felt someone to hit my back friendly . It was Kostas the chief editor of the magazine . " I am looking for a man " he said . " I do not want only photos , surveys and descriptions " , he continued , " I am looking for someone with flesh and bones " . " You know " he added and made a friendly gesture towards me . ' You have five days , five ! Time is pressuring us ! " he said as he walked out of the office . I was trying since then to find that guy . But I was feeling that inside my mind everything was blank and with no inspirational thoughts . I was creating heroes that they clearly wouldn 't survive . Empty words , lifeless . Words without meaning . Words only to be said and lines only to be written because it is a must . I created people who collapsed in the same moment that I added a characteristic of reality in them . Fake figures , sometimes truly ordinary and some other times as crazy as hell . Unable to carry the burden of reality . The fourth day was about to pass , when I decided to go back to Piraeus , in my desperation mood . Piraeus was the neighborhood of my childish years . I decided to go and meet again the houses , the roads , the people passing by and the memories . The 040 bus route leaves me in Hroon Polutechneiou Street , just opposite of the ancient ruins . I pass through the street , out of Lancia 's car workshop and I enter the small street behind a supermarket . As I am walking by I hope that someone from any balcony , from any of the parked cars , from any small street , will come out and make my thought clearer . As I am walking I turn left and there I am in the Pilis Street . I haven 't been here since we moved from Piraeus . I stay still , for a few moments watching the changes , since the last time . The old and the new characteristics into a balancing combination . No , that tall buildings with the small apartments have also popped up here . But within the isolation that road is always the same . Karaiskou Street , Alkiviadou Street , Euripidou Road … familiar names , like the scenes of a tale . And the road in the end is counting the same countless red steps . I stay for a while to only stare at the road of my childhood while a cool breeze is playing with my scarf . The pharmacist with a woman from the neighborhood are standing and staring at me intensely . Suddenly I hear my phone ringing . I answer it while I am moving on . I said that today I am going to be late . " Captain Miltiades " I am about to talk but I silence . It cannot be him . The old man without even looking at my side opens the door of a huge building and walks in . But I finally know . I go back in that little step and sit down . I tasted the success and I am not going to let it now . I see the colors of the road changing slowly and I feel like the houses have finally started to talk . I set my memory free and start to write down , notes , slowly . Captain - Miltiades was not from here . He was born to Lemnos or Lesvos I think . There he grew up , got married and made his own family . They said that he was educated but the sea was his great passion . People said that he was a hard worker . Within a little time he managed to own a ship and traveled from the Aegean to Pontus and Odessa . His work seemed to go well but the decade of ' 40 crashed him down . He was on a voyage . The German 's found rebels hiding in his house . By the time he reached the island he learned everything . He didn 't even managed to see the grave of his wife and son . Someone took him and put him into a small boat . Nighttime it was when that little boat left him here in Piraeus . He just stayed in the marina watching the boat getting lost through the horizon , and his dreams and his whole world were vanishing with that little boat . People said that he never got over that tragedy . He never again asked or desired to see the sea . And in that neighborhood , it took many years to compromise , get to know the neighborhood and finally get used to the people . He lived a lonely life , absent of the sea and even of life itself . His only companions was an old navy notebook and his sister . " Sailors they say . You speak like you know in what kind of shit he was involved with . He must have been a smuggler . That is why the Germans killed all of his family " said after the end of war . " The rebel ! Took the old age pension of a fighter . At least I won 't feed him , it is more than enough to keep him all of these years inside my house " , he never lost a chance to gossip him inside the coffee shops . The captain used to hear of all that . He did not react , he was only writing , and writing , and writing . Antonis of course , never had the courage to tell him all that face to face , but with the one or another way he understood . He wasn 't happy but we admired him . He looked to our eyes like the great hero Sinbad the Seafarer . A hero that have finally left the world of fairy tales and have joined our world . Unknown within the unknowns , to sing the tales of the sea . He was siting many hours close to us telling stories . Something between the reality and fairy tales . Captain - Miltiades wasn 't a scary one but with his stories we were in awe . There was something different in him . Through his old , colorless navy clothes and behind his tired face - that hard armor of a stormy life - we found in him something that now , I would call authenticity . And that authenticity , we could only feel it within our childish innocence . Around ' 92 things started to get rougher for him . He had some medical issues , with his heart and he had to visit the national insurance department . Only Mrs . Melpomene was there for him . But either for her the medical issues were going well . A window makes some noise a few steps away . The sun is about to set . I stand up and start to climb stairs . I hesitate four stairs , before the last one . Back then he reminded me of Miltiades the Athenian one . A story that I have discovered in an old book . After the glory of Marathon . When the Athenians drugged Miltiades almost dead to the court - not far from here - and he was apologizing with his devastated voice while his swallowed by the gangrene leg , was dripping black , thick blood . A man is passing by , right next to me . I wake up . I go back to the Central Street and going towards Pasalimani . After all those things , my article is almost ready . I do know if I have indeed succeed or what the publisher is going to say . People do not like stories like this in our days . But I think that I found the person they were looking for . I stand for a while close to the big clock . I place the cup into the pen and put my notebook in my pocket . I walk across the street and keep walking for a while in the beach street right above the ruins of the ancient wall . I have almost reached Freatida and the passers are now very few . Across Metaxas Hospital I can see from a distance the lights of the ships coming and leaving the harbor . The coast seems like an endless lighthouse . The city is like a scenery full of fireflies . Loneliness always places me in a mode of thoughts . I do not know how the tribute will finally be . I have spent a lifetime with my education and all kind of files and papers . I take one more look in my notes and for a moment I imagine that I have in my hands the same old and ripped pages that he once kept in his own hands … My name is Chris Tsangaris , born on 06 / 06 / 1997 , I live in Piraeus . I 'm student of the third grade in School of Zanneiou P . P . GEL . I have participated in the following competitions . 1 ) Euroscola 20142 ) Youth Parliament 20143 ) Student Olympiad of beneficence ( nationwide prize ) 4 ) International Francophonie competition « Un voeu pour la planete » 5 ) Panhellenic Contest " Gregory Pentzikis " ( 1st prize ) 6 ) Panhellenic contest E . L . V . E ( 2nd prize ) 7 ) Panhellenic contest P . E . L ( 3rd prize ) 8 ) Panhellenic Competition versions Pataki ( 3rd prize ) 9 ) Panhellenic Contest E . E . L ( 1st English praise poetry ) 10 ) Panhellenic contest Peiraikos association and magazine Mandragoras ( praise ) 11 ) " Sicilian 2014 " ( special award for all the work submitted , second prize Icon ) 12 ) Literary Contest of " Celaeno ' 2014 on " Life is a sea " ( third prize for poetry ) It was one of those rainy disturbing evenings . One of those that you don 't know what to wear , your skin feels cold as ice , and your hair is messed up by the blowing wind . The water on the streets is all over the place , and your boots are already dirty by the mud and dirt of the road . Irene has just finished one of her classes . She was carrying the notes of the class in her left hand , trying in the same time , not to let them get wet , while she was also trying hard to keep her black umbrella over her head . All of that of course while she was running across the street . Her brown cape was tied over her waist and she was feeling cold , because she 'd forgot her scarf at home earlier that day . As she was walking fast , almost running , she was trying to remember where her keys where . Approaching , her house she noticed a man 's figure sitting on the doorstep . By the time she entered in the front yard , the man stood up with a smile in his face . He was wearing a pair of tight jeans and a black sweatshirt with a white logo . Irene immediately noticed he was wearing glasses which were already wet by the continuous rain . " May I help you ? " she asked him politely . " Irene ? " … The man answered " … He started yelling at her face " Stop acting like you have always known everything and stop keeping me out of your life for God 's sake ! " She wiped out her tears and took a deep breath trying to leave the anxiousness . Then she slowly whispered " What would you really do if you knew that the end was coming , Baby cakes ? " He felt her fear and came closer before she started to cry again " I 'd live each and every day of my life with the most intense way that I can and I able to , like it would be the last one my little angel . With you if you allow me to " Afterwards she gave him " The hug " he deserved and he kissed her tender … . " …… . Irene starts to walk in the living room . He stands up and she walks behind him almost touching the frozen wall . He is right in front of her and he is a bit taller . She looks up to him beautiful face . " Are you avoiding me Irene ? " her breath stops . She looks down , as she is trying to see the ground . He takes her head with his left hand , slowly , gently . Her head is up again looking into his green eyes . Her heart starts to beat faster . The skin in her face that is covered by his hand , gives the sense of burning . In that very moment she is unable to think . She can 't react in any possible way . She looks him in the eyes on more time . He comes closer and closer . Her eyes are closed now . She has forgotten how to breathe . She is for sure going to l faint . She will absolutely faint . There he goes . His breath on her lips , the warmth of his body . His lips are touching hers soft , smooth , in a way that only he can . That 's it . She is dead . She already knows it … . " That night he did not want to go out . He wanted to stay at home . Make a hot tea , lie down in his favorite armchair and read a book . He needed a little peace . He was feeling that nothing else will please him that sitting in his usual corner , lighting a cigarette and relaxing from the tension of the whole day . The phone rang insistently . " Put the book down and get dressed to go out . It is our evening . As every Wednesday after all . Do not break our customs . The " Pothouse " awaits us . She was full of joy . After a long time she would go out with her ​​ friends . One night full of surprises , she believed that waited for her . She wore a beautiful dress , painted red her lips and with a finishing touch she was ready for an unforgettable night . She reminisced all of the beautiful moments she spent with her old boyfriend . But now she has already made ​​ a new beginning . A new beginning , a new life . He rethought it . He had nothing to lose . He wanted to do this favor to his friends . Every Wednesday after all , they were going to their local spot . Where they were drinking their mugs full of wine , they were treating the people around them and danced till dawn . It was for them something like a ritual . Three friends as priests of their beloved place : the " Pothouse " . He wore a shirt and went to find them . She noticed him by the time he entered the " Pothouse " . He was tall , with a similar looking to her , with a clean smile and a kindness in his eyes . Two eyes that were shining . Two eyes that she wished from the beginning to mirroring her and only her alone . She smiled as she watched him entering , but he just sat at his table . She felt as if she had seen him before somewhere , in some place . She stared at his every move , in detail . How he was inhaling the smoke from his cigarette , how he freed the smoke up , how he drank his wine . She was sure that his favorite was this : red sweet wine ! Red as passionate love , sweet as the fool of love . A flavor much adored , which quickly fools you if you drink it at one gulp . So she wanted . To swallow her at one gulp with his love . He lit one cigarette after another . The mugs were going and coming . He felt her eyes on him from the first moment . However , he was unable to believe that he could do something with a woman again , after his latest divorce . That momentall of the moments of the past passed before his eyes . All of them . Beautiful and bad . His mind was stuck on the bad moments and it was something that made him mad . He could not realize that the love of his life fooled him in the worst way , that she cheated on him and erased everything they once lived together . It was then that he turned and pointed toward the girl . He noticed her beauty . Brunette with long hair touching her white shoulders . Her eyes alive , nailed over him . Her lips fleshy and full of eroticism . He raised his glass and saluted . She responded with a smile and got up to dance the song playing at the time . He got up from his chair and went to clap at her . His eyes stayed all over her . Now he was watching over her whole body which was left to the magic of music . He enjoyed such a dancing . So elegant , so sharp and vivid . The next song was about him . " Love Archangel " was the song and he stood up slowly and bluntly to dance . Each step he made stood to the music , his head was bowed . Only his eyes now and then were stealing her own looks . When he finished his zeimbekiko , he sat at the table and lit a cigarette . He took the glass and went to her table . Her eyes could not leave him in peace . Michael Moustogiannis is a student at the Faculty of Philosophy of the University of Ioannina . Born and raised in the heart of the Peloponnese , and in particular Tripoli Arcadias . From a very young age he was depressed in writing and reading poetry and literature . He is one of the first members of the Literatology team and he is contributing either his own poems and stories or even many articles that he loves to write . It was night . A night that none of them will ever forget . A night that fate played its games once again . A lonely night , not of people around them , but lonely of love . It was the month of May . It was him , and it was her . Two souls meant to be together but never met before . You can call it fate , karma or whatever you like . But they were there . Looking each other , loving each other with just one look . He was 12 years older . She was 12 years younger . But what does age matters to love ? Love . An eternal word . A word that you can tell , but never describe . A word that has so many meanings . But they , they were loving each other with every possible meaning of love . They were lovers , even before they have met . They were soul mates that never die . They were the fulfillment of love . The story is very big . It started , but never ends . It is a story that anyone can end it whenever he likes . It is an endless story if you want it to be . But they are here , there , everywhere . They are wherever you want them to be . Days passed , weeks , months , almost a year . But they were one . They became one by the time they touched each other . In their " holy place " . They united eternally . Nature was their so called priest . The trees , the moon , the winds and every single breath were their witnesses . They needed no one else . They had each other . There are many stories that can be told inside this little story . There is one story in every story that exists . Love is the story . The author is different . They decided to leave behind their past lives , and moved away . They have gone to a small beautiful town , where they started slowly building their new dreams . The things were not easy , but they were simple as both of them used to say . He loved her and so did her . So their love was the solution to everything . Their story can be a poem , a painting , a novel , even History or a myth . Their story is a tale of love . A love story with mythical facts and true words . His name was Don and hers was Juan . They are not their real names , but what does it matter ? You can put your names if you want to , or just leave the Don and Juan . They shared hopes , dreams , moments , but above all they shared their passion for everything around them . They wanted to learn everything . To travel the world . To write music . To compose poems . They kept on writing , composing , talking and holding each other every single day that passed . The story never ends . As long as lines can be written and added . The story will never end . Love lives eternally . Love never dies . Neither does this story . Start it and end it all over again . From the beginning to its end . But always write down the lines . Every time different lines . Different words combined together , as their souls did and continue doing it . Make your own story out of it . Understand it however you like or want . Fulfill it your own ways . But always remember . The story ends whenever you want it to end . Don & Juan never ended their story . And they lived happily ever after . Georgios Rachiotis is a freelance writer for the past decade as well as a radio producer - presenter and multi - instrumentalist . He is the founder of Literatology and also the Chief Editor and MAnager of it . He likes music , poetry , literature , arts , mythology and all kinds of stories and tales as well as folklore . He also attends courses of History , Literature & Poetry in Universities all over the world . The night was cold and the fog flowed gently through the streets like a wave of magic and weird . She went out on the balcony and listened : Silence . Pinned her eyes to the sea . It was not very far . Just a few meters away . The moon graced her with its dim light . She remained to observe , so dark and wild , until she heard steps . She turned her head , and turned towards the sound source . She saw him . He walked boldly and decisively in the desert road , with frost as his only companion . His pace was quick and restless , as if he was late . He approached the large plane tree in front of the house , underneath her balcony . Once he arrived next to it , he stopped . He turned his head left and right a few times to make sure that he was alone . Then he started searching for something near the tree . She made no move . She remained to rely on the brass railings of her veranda , holding her breath , so as not to let him understand her presence and leave . For a while he was hiding by the foliage of the tree . The only thing that remained to witness his presence , was the crackle of dried leaves . As if they were complaining of his indifference to those . As if they were asking for his attention . Suddenly , a metallic sound was heard . She stepped on the toes of her feet so as to be able to see him . He was holding a golden ladder , with ornate carvings on the edges . Where did he find it ? What would he need it ? For the first time in her life she was seeing such a beautiful creation . Imagined unreal , something out of a dream . He took a last look around him before he started to roll it out . One by one , increasingly more stairs appeared , which directed towards the sky . But , how was it happening ? She rubbed her eyes with the inside of her hands : she will be surely dreaming . She opened her eyes again . No . It was true . Enchanted as she was , she saw him beginning the ascent with a decisive look . Something did not seem right but something was not appropriate in all this dreamlike scene . She looked at his face again . Now , lighted by the silver moonlight , she could observe it better . But , she discerned something in his eyes . His lips were pursed , almost bloody from the pressure he exerted on them . And his eyes were red and bleary . " It hurts " she whispered , with a whisper similar to the wave splash , tied with the calmness of the night . She continued to follow him with her ​​ eyes , feeling her heart heavier , full of his sorrowful look . A few minutes after , he stopped climbing . She could just see him now . She narrowed her eyes and pushed herself to focus only on his figure . He tended his right hand , as if he was looking for something . A little later he clenched his fist . But what did he grab ? What was he trying to pull close to him ? She closed her eyes a bit more in an effort to focus better . She couldn 't . No . It cannot be . She took another look . There was no doubt . It was a small cloud . It looked like cotton and in other parts it was white while in others it was gray . Having brought it fairly close to him , based with his hands , and managed to climb up . His sigh was hiding a dose of relief and a dose of happiness . He sat down and left staring towards the sea , like the way it was a while ago . For him all of these were ordinary . For him all of these were his life . She continued looking at him . Her neck began to complain - she had for too long her head turned to the sky - but she did not care . She realized that little by little , his gaze was more and more darkened . His thoughts were crashing upon him , beats inside his heart and mind , were closing him inside them , and would not let him out . There was only one way out . He approached his palms before his eyes , as they had begun to tear . Then he held them there . His crying was silent and peaceful . It did not last long . Her gaze followed his hands , which no were longer hiding his shining now eyes . She saw him to carefully place them on the cloud , to absorb all of their moisture . A shine followed , like lightning , before the first drops started to fall . The exclamation of excitement that escaped from her lips made ​​ him turn towards her . But how could he had not seen her earlier ? He turned the ladder to the balcony , and began descending the golden stairs . She did not move again , still enchanted and terrified by the spectacle acted out before her . He approached her and tended his hand " Nice to meet you " his voice was gentle and deep , his eyes were both dark brown and amber , reminded her of autumn . She gave him her hand tentatively . It was one of those usual summers back in Greece . In that beautiful island actually . The magic island that is how she used to call it . It was not the place that someone expected to be . Especially for holidays . It has nothing to do with the rest islands in Greece that they are famous for their beaches , sea , even the epic parties . Nothing like that . Actually it was a very quiet island . With only a few residents and a few dozens of tourists every day . It was a bit busy and noisy during the daytime , but in the night , it was the closest thing that she could think of in a cemetery . The only thing you could hear was the barking of a few dogs , or the cars from the other side that were running to reach the crazy rhythms of their own life . Or the other 's life . She couldn 't know . In that little island she used to go every single summer since she could recall herself . As I mentioned before it was no ordinary island . It was not surrounded by sea , it was in the middle of a lake . Somewhere between the mountains . If you asked someone about this island , some would say to you that it is a lovely place you should visit . Others , would claim that the island is cursed . Many stories indeed surrounded this island . But she didn 't care . It was her shelter , a place that she could relax , not only from the daily exhausting life she used to follow . But from everyone . Many times she was away even from herself . Other times she used to talk to herself . Making a dialogue . She used to argue a lot . Oh , and when she argued , she was getting stubborn and was not listening to anyone . Not even to herself . Her life was something more than good . Her friends were jealous of her , and used to say that there is nothing to complain about in her life , that everything was perfect . She used to believe them and convince herself that everything that was just perfect . But then why did she use to drink and smoke so much , why she enjoyed the most the quiet nights of the summer all alone that only her island could offer her ? All her goals until now were achieved , her personal life was stable , and her finances were more than good . So ? There was still something missing . That is how she felt . To tell the truth , it was not that there was just something missing . She usually felt that there was no meaning in anything that she used to do until now . It was that feeling that , she was always missing something , always . It was like she could not find the true meaning of anything although she was feeling that lied right in front of her . It was like she was blind . Or she was blind because she wanted to be . Another day was getting to an end in the little island and the sun was setting slowly behind the mountains . She took another cigarette and lit it . Suddenly everything went black . She was in the total darkness . She didn 't mind though . She took her things , a pen and her notebook and started to walk towards her home . Home . That little poor house in that island was the only place that she could call home . Not her apartment in that busy town nor her fiancé 's one . By the time she got into her home , she went towards the cupboard and grabbed a bottle of whiskey . She never liked it but it was the only thing that could make her numb with just a couple of glasses . But she didn 't even needed a glass . She sat down on the sofa opposite of the livings room mirror . And another conversation with herself started . In the darkness of the night and with only the light of the candles to pour some light into her devastated soul . With the first morning light , she stood up from the sofa . She did not like anymore the girl that was looking her straight in the eyes . She didn 't like her long black hair anymore or her skinny body . But most of all she didn 't like the look in her eyes . A look that only the animals who are about to die have . She went upstairs for a quick shower , and she decided to cut her hair . She did not feel sorry while she was seeing her black hair falling on the floor . She felt a little bit better . Afterwards she dressed up and in a hurry she got out of the house for a walk in the edge of the island where she was close to the water of the lake . The beauty all around her could not be described in words . It was a cloudy day but everything seemed so beautiful to her eyes . He took her cell phone and started clearing out her life . She could now tell that she wasn 't blind . The beauty of life conclude that exists within us . In the small things that we do , feel or see . She also came to the conclusion that there is no sense into doing things that will satisfy the ones that lives around and not yourself . There is no meaning in compromising in a relationship that doesn 't fulfill you and you just stay because of the force of habit , and the fear that you should stay alone . The meaning of this life that we all live in , is hidden in our daily lives and in the seeking of true love . Nikoleta Vemvetsou is 19 years old and she is currently studying History & Archaeology in the University of Ioannina , which was a childhood 's dream as she recalls . She writes articles on various topics including history , arcaeology , literature , poetry and more , in many blogs , newspapers and magazines as well as her own poetry . She is the co - founder of Literatology and also a co - chief editor of the Literatology team . The radio was playing his favorite song . He sat for a moment on the windowsill , and looked far away . He observed in full detail the houses . He started from the front ones till the last ones he could reach by his eyes . He looked the rooftops , the chimneys eagerly waiting to make their first smoke of winter . How much he enjoyed winter . He wore a heavy coat and went down to the lake . When he arrived there , he observed the landscape . He felt as if he was in a complete another era . Fog everywhere . Over the " liquid body " of the Pamvotis lake , there had been created a layer of white smoke . Inside therein he saw all of his dreams . He remembered his childhood . All of his friends passed before his eyes . He laughed when he brought onto his mind all the little naughtiness he did when he was younger . ' Beautiful years ' , he thought . He sat on a small mantel and tried to see through the fog on the opposite side of Ioannina . Vainly . Everything was trapped within this thin white layer . Nevertheless he adored the mist . He liked to stare at the landscape and trying to see everything that others could not see . Once he looked at his watch , he laughed . ' Three o ' clock , at dawn , and I by myself to the lake . " People could say that I am crazy " ' . He turned to look behind him . Very few cars went off the road . On foot , not a single person . He was alone . So alone . Everyone nearby him , and he was so alone . He walked up to the meeting point , he used to go with his beloved one . The shop next to the lake . Several times when he sat by the window of the shop , he was feeling as if it was above the lake . He remembered she had the same feeling too . His eyes snagged to that table . Always therein , they drank their coffee , tea , or beer . He tried to hide his melancholy . Then he thought that he was all alone and no one was looking at him . He let his mind run in that times . That times that he was holding her inside his arms , and wanted the time to stop . The times when every moment with her was eternal . The times that he was touching her body and she was flying . She screamed from the pleasure of his kisses . Those kisses he was giving her every time . He shivered from the memories . He felt as if all were happening this exact time . He felt every kiss he remembered . Every touch of her body , he was feeling it in his hands . He wiped his eyes and turned around the other way to go . He was confused as long as he saw her . He blinked his eyes to realize that she was standing there . She was . He observed her as he did with the landscapes . She was wearing a plain white dress . Her hair was loose and her face was shining like always . She was barefoot , and now she walked towards him . When she came close to him , she reached out her hand to him and he responded to the call . She smiled and his soul rejoiced . Then the heavens opened and they lost between the angels . Forgive me ! I could not stand without her . I could not but accept the call . Only dead I would be able to live , because I would be close to her . Before this I was just a living form of life with a dead soul form . I adore you my friend . Please remember me ! ! ! He hid his face in the paper and broke out into tears . He went out on the balcony and looked at the sky . Clearer than ever this time of year in Ioannina . He stopped crying and threw a smile . He knew that his friend was well , because he was in the corner of the angels with his guardian angel - his beloved . Michael Moustogiannis is a student at the Faculty of Philosophy of the University of Ioannina . Born and raised in the heart of the Peloponnese , and in particular Tripoli Arcadias . From a very young age he was depressed in writing and reading poetry and literature . He is one of the first members of the Literatology team and he is contributing either his own poems and stories or even many articles that he loves to write .

Once upon a holiday season , in the land of Delaware , there lived a man who would become Governor . He was promised the throne eight years ago , but another man took his seat . In this land , the people chose their Governor every four years . The man who would be Governor finally won the seat and 58 . 34 % of the people rejoiced . As he sat in his car one day after returning from his job in D . C . , he looked out the window . He saw the sun setting in the distance . John was anxious to get things going in Delaware . He had to officially wait until January 17th , 2017 . " Only 47 days , " John said to himself . He had been so busy for so long . Things wouldn 't slow down for him in the next four years , and hopefully the four after that . His day was filled with phone calls , texts , and emails . Everyone wanted a piece of Delaware . He knew not everyone could get a piece . He called his wife from the driveway and told her he was going to go for a walk to clear his head . Always supportive , she knew John needed this and told him to take all the time he needed . John drove to the nearby park . As he walked out of his car , he put on his hat . It was rare he could get away from his security detail but at the same time he didn 't want to be bothered . John walked down the trail … Meanwhile , 3 , 529 . 75 miles away , the jolly one was settling into his favorite chair . The elves were busy preparing for the big day . Santa was happy he had an extra day to prepare this year . As a tradition , during these leap years , he would pick one day off each leap year to do whatever he wanted . Mrs . Claus always forgot about it , but Santa didn 't . Today was his day off ! Santa picked up his laptop and on his favorites bar was the website he enjoyed going to the most : Exceptional Delaware . Ever since Santa learned about Common Core and opt out , he found himself checking back in to see what was happening with the children of Delaware and the rest of the country . Santa was not happy when he found out what happened a few weeks after Christmas earlier this year . The people of Delaware wanted the lawmakers to override Governor Jack 's veto of the opt out bill , but it got hung up in some silly rule business . He knew exactly which of those lawmakers would be getting coal this year , led by their Speaker and the leaders below him . Santa heard there was a new Governor in Delaware so he decided he would pay him a visit . While he didn 't usually venture so far south during the busy month , it was his day off and he could do whatever he wanted . At least the things Mrs . Claus wouldn 't have cause to file for divorce over . As hard as he tried , John couldn 't stop thinking about his plans . He didn 't count on the new President actually winning the election . All his plans were contingent on the Hill winning . But the Tower Man won and he had to plan around it . The Tower Man was picking people who John couldn 't picture running things down in D . C . His office was frantic over the mess . John had to strategize very carefully how he moved forward with everything . Not only did the Tower Man win , but the two bodies of Congress won a majority in the election as well . John 's Delaware was still blue , but a shocking election there threatened to turn the Delaware Senate red too . The state he was to lead had some peculiar problems in it and at the top of that list was the economy and education . Governor Jack treated the two as if they were symbiotic with each other and made some poor choices along the way . John knew if he was going to improve both he would have to find a way to draw everyone in . It was a difficult maze and John knew he wouldn 't please everyone . Governor Jack chose a particular route but John knew if he did the same it would not be good . Santa knew John 's mind was heavy . As his sleigh crossed the border between Pennsylvania and Delaware , Santa could feel the weight on John 's shoulders . Leadership always carries a heavy burden . Santa knew that better than anyone . Santa knew John ever since he was a little boy . He always knew John would become a leader . John didn 't have the same political sharpness so many politicians had but this also made him more relatable to the people . He watched John 's humble beginnings in the town of Claymont . Carney was one of those tough kids who excelled in football which helped him out at St . Mark 's High School and then Dartmouth College . Santa remembers John 's awards . As John was teaching freshmen football at the University of Delaware , he was also studying public administration . From there , John began his political career working for the county he lived in and then for Governor Tom . From there , John 's political ladder kept getting bigger and bigger . He became the Lieutenant Governor for eight years and decided to run for Governor . But the future " education " Governor Jack beat him in a close race . Others told Jack to wait his turn , it was John 's turn , but Jack ignored them . A couple of years later , John ran for Congress and won . For six years , having to run every two years for a total of three Congressional terms , John worked in D . C . and learned how the game of politics really works . But he never gave up on getting back to Delaware to win as Governor . After Governor Jack was expected to end his tenure , many thought Vice - President Joe 's son Beau would run , but tragically Beau passed away after a long illness . It was then that John decided he would run but wished it had been under better circumstances . John walked down the path . There was a crisp wind in the air but the moon was bright . He used to walk down this path many times . It hadn 't changed much over time and he remembered it like the back of his hand . John tripped on a branch and fell to the ground . As he looked up , he saw a bright light in the sky above him . A voice cried out " John , we need to talk . " John reached for his phone but he had left it in the car . He thought to himself , " This is it , all alone in the woods with no one to help . " He began to picture the headline in the News Journal the next day . " Who are you ? " John asked . " Someone you haven 't thought about in a long time John . " Santa gracefully landed the sleigh on the path in front of John . His lights were still on so John couldn 't tell who it was . " I do have security watching me right now . They are watching you right now . So I wouldn 't try anything They will find you if anything happens to me . " " No they won 't , " Santa said . " Remember you let all of them have the night off and you so conveniently told each one there was coverage ? " John wondered how this guy would know that . " It 's me , John . Santa . " John couldn 't believe his eyes . As a child , he always believed . But as children grew older , that magic disappeared . John saw Santa everywhere this time of year . He began seeing him in stores as early as October . But it wasn 't the same as the man who just walked off a sleigh that came down in the middle of the woods . John took that early childhood magic for granted , as every adult does . John wondered what in the world Santa Claus wanted with him . Did he visit all the new leaders ? " John , " Santa said , " We have to talk about the kids . Come with me . " John felt the world spin beneath him . Santa 's words captured him . They weren 't words demanding John obey him , but those of comfort and a calm John hadn 't felt for a long time . John looked at his watch . It was 6 : 30pm . Santa and John got in the sleigh . The reindeer , who John hadn 't noticed before , began running down the path . John felt the sleigh lift up into the December night . " John , did you read my letter last year ? " Santa asked . John read letters every day . There were some days he couldn 't remember what he had for breakfast he was so busy . John shook his head . " Did you send it to me ? " John asked . He knew he probably had not seen it unless it was an issue of critical importance . He was sure if one of his staffers opened it and saw a letter from Santa Claus it would go in the circular bin next to their desk . " No , I let Exceptional Delaware put it up . I thought everyone in Delaware reads it . " That was a name John was familiar with the past six months . The blogger . " You mean the crazy education blogger from Dover ? That guy wants to meet with me but I don 't know … " Santa abruptly interrupted John " Watch yourself , " Santa warned . " I have the utmost respect for the blogger . He helped me out last year and he knows what he is talking about . " John responded to Santa . " But he tends to tick off a lot of people . People I 'm going to have to work with . I was warned to stay away from him . " Santa 's eyes widened . " Oh really ? Would that have been Senator So - coal - A , " Santa carefully empathized . " And all those other adults who don 't have the first clue about what education really is ? Let me tell you something John . You will be a leader of Delaware . Any state has a foundation from which it must build on . That foundation is the kids . Not the adults , and especially not the adults who try to make money and get power from kids . There are those out there who will pretend to speak the truth . You surround yourself with them . But there are those who speak uncomfortable truths that people don 't always want to hear . But they do so out of an innate need for change , in the hopes someone with the ability to hear will actually listen . " John was familiar with what was going on in education . He was told of the long - range plans and how education would be reformed so all kids can succeed . The children would be trained to become the workforce of tomorrow . As he began his campaign , he knew many people in Delaware were hurting . When he ran for Governor the first time , the economy of the whole country was collapsing . Even though Delaware recovered from this , not all of the citizens did . Some never got the jobs back that made them more money . The cities were becoming too violent again . Drug use was up and children were getting shot in the street . But still , Delaware did the one thing it knows how to do best - spend money . John knew all that money wasn 't going to the right places . He also knew that when he became the leader he would have to fix a lot of these problems . Many of his advisors told him that education was going to fix all these problems . Not now , but down the road . But if he didn 't help follow the same paths Governor Jack made , nothing would ever get fixed . This was happening all over the country . There were critics , like the damn blogger , but they were just a whisper in the wind . They didn 't see the big picture and how this was for the good of the state and the country . " Uhm , Santa . We are flying into downtown Wilmington . No offense sir , but I can 't be seen riding around in a sleigh with someone people don 't believe in along with eight reindeer . " Santa pulled out a pouch from his pocket . " Thanks for reminding me John , I almost forgot . " Santa took out a handful of dust and blew it all around him and John . " They won 't see us now . " Santa parked the sleigh on top of the Community Education Building . The duo went down through the building and to the streets below . They walked over to the playground next to the building . In a dark corner , an African - American boy was reading with a flashlight . The boy was shivering as he turned a page . " Why is this boy out here Santa ? Why doesn 't he go home ? " Santa sighed . " This is his home John . He lives on the streets . During the really cold months he goes to a shelter with his aunt . She is at work right now . " John saw a grocery cart a few feet away from the boy . Covering it was a blue tarp . John could see some clothes in there and a few boxes . As John looked away for a moment in horror , he saw a hypodermic needle on the ground . The boy was reading a worn - out copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone with a flashlight between his yellow teeth . He saw the boy lift a crumpled up bag out of his coat pocket . The boy began eating the few crumbs left in the bag of potato chips . Santa told John about how his father went to prison a few years ago . He belonged to one of the gangs . During a shoot - out in front of their apartment building , a bullet missed hitting the boy but instead lodged itself in his mother 's brain . He told John this is the first thing the boy sees when he wakes up in the morning and the last thing he sees at night . " Come on John , we have more stops to make tonight . " John walked to the sleigh but kept looking back at the boy . Santa and John flew once more into the night . It was very quiet between them . They landed in a very wealthy neighborhood with mansions all around them . John wasn 't sure if he had been on this street when he was campaigning . Many houses were decked out in Christmas lights and he even saw Santas made up in lights . " This is never what Christmas was supposed to be John , " as Santa looked down at his belly . They got out of the sleigh and went into one of the houses . A girl was on her computer playing the latest version of Minecraft . Her mom asked her if she finished her homework . " I sure did , " the girl said . " You can check it on Schoology . " " Did you finish all the stuff on iReady ? " the mother asked . " Yes Mom , " as the girl rolled her eyes . She had just finished eating the steak and shrimp but she was still hungry . " Can you turn the heat down Mom ? " she yelled . As her hand grabbed the ice cream bowl , Santa and John left . As Sarah pulled the spoon to her mouth , she wondered if she had to be at the school in her cheerleader 's outfit by 9am tomorrow or 9 : 15 . They flew down to Georgetown . John was last there on Return Day in November . All the candidates who run for office , whether they win or not , participate in this event to " bury the hatchet " . But they flew away from the town to a trailer park . Inside , a Hispanic girl was kicking a ball around with her little brother . A man came into the room . " Hicerion sus deberes ? " the man asked . " No podríamos papá . No sabíamos lo que significaban las palabras , " the boy answered . The man watched as his children did what they do after school almost every day . Kicking around the same ball . " Sorry Santa , my Spanish is very rusty . What did they say ? " John asked . " The father asked if his children did their homework . They couldn 't because they can 't read the words . They don 't know English very well . They know enough for very basic things , but not enough to learn what they need to know . Their mother is still at the chicken farm working her shift . One of them always has to be with the kids . They aren 't here legally . The father is afraid all the time that his kids will be taken from him and he and his wife will have to go back to their country . He doesn 't know English at all . " John felt his mind stir as they flew north . He was very troubled by what he saw . When he was campaigning , he tended to see the best of Delaware . In the daylight or early evening when many of his " Meet and Chews " with people were attended by those who had the means and the desire to see him . When he went to schools , he could tell the kids were on their best behavior because " an important man " was coming to visit . He didn 't see people in their homes or on the streets the way he did tonight . He felt uncomfortable , like he was seeing a side of the world he heard about but didn 't see first - hand . " Santa , I should really be getting back . It 's getting late and my wife is probably worrying about me . " Santa laughed so hard the sleigh shook . " Look at your watch John . What time is it ? " John looked at his watch in bewildermenThe odd couple went into the house . Inside , a boy was crying on the couch . His parents were arguing in the kitchen . " What do you mean he was suspended again ? " the father asked . " I got a call from school . They said he was acting out in class again and when the teacher told him to stop he ran out of the room . When another teacher found him , he pushed her away . The Principal came down the hall and yelled at him to come with him . David yelled back at him and Dr . Smith called two teachers to help bring him to the office , " the mother explained . " I didn 't get the call until two hours later . By the time I got there he was so upset . " " Did they give him any work to do when he was in there for two hours ? " the boy 's father asked . " I don 't know . But this is not what his IEP says . They aren 't supposed to drag him down the hall and yell at him . He isn 't learning anything there . He 's depressed all the time . He can 't learn in a class with thirty kids . " John knelt down in front of the boy . He saw such pain and sadness in the boy 's eyes . " This boy has no friends John . The things you had growing up , kids to play with and throw a football around , running around in the woods , even going to the amusement park , David can 't do those things . " Santa explained how David was labeled as high - functioning Autism . He could do the work , but only under certain conditions . If there was a lot of activity in the classroom , people talking , moving around , David couldn 't handle that . His brain couldn 't filter out all the stimuli . Some days it worked , but for David , it was an endless litany of suspensions and leaving school early . " Special education John . If you don 't know what is going on with a child , and everyone is different , how can we put all kids in the same box ? " Santa asked him . John could see what Santa was doing . He understood that not every kid is the same . But if they didn 't try to help all the kids nothing would change . The two flew to the building where John was destined to spend many of his days in the next four years . Legislative Hall . Where all the laws in Delaware happened . John didn 't think there would be any kids there at 6 : 30pm , and he was right . Inside , a meeting was taking place . John knew about half the people at the large table in the House Majority Caucus room . There were some from the Department of Education , a couple from the Rodel Foundation of Delaware , the usual Delaware State Education Association contingent , some Superintendents , a few teachers , Delaware PTA , some of the disability advocates , the lady from the Delaware Charter Schools Network , four legislators , and a couple of State Board members . He knew them . A few people sat in the chairs outside of the table . A woman from the Delaware DOE was giving a presentation on the Every Student Succeeds Act . Delaware had to come up with a state plan so all students can succeed . She was talking about the Delaware School Success Framework and the measurements they wanted included in their state accountability system . It was all about proficiency and growth . Which John knew was based on the Smarter Balanced Assessment . All these adults , sitting there talking about kids and how they can make education better . John knew a few of the people there had the best of intentions but this was what they do in Delaware . They sit around a table and talk . This was how things got done . They even had a name for it , The Delaware Way . " You don 't get it ! " John cried out . " We can 't keep testing these kids . They aren 't the same . We can 't keep doing this . Their lives mean so much more than these tests . " Santa looked at John . " They can 't hear you . Even if they could , too many of them wouldn 't listen . They think they know what is best . They forget what it was like when they were kids . Even that man over there . " Santa pointed to a man from Wilmington . " He kept fighting for the kids in Wilmington and how the teachers need to be better , " Santa explained . " The man believed what he said but he didn 't realize how much these children don 't have outside of school . The man didn 't understand that you can 't just wave a magic wand and make teachers better . And the best teachers , they were the ones already in those classrooms in Wilmington . They were the ones who came to school every day , knowing the problems these kids brought to the classroom . The look of hunger in their eyes as they wore the same clothes for the third day in a row . They dedicated their lives to helping these kids in the hardest classrooms in the state . In return , they were shamed by many of the people in this room . The little boy we saw on the playground tonight ? He goes to the poorest school in the state . Most of the people in this room have never walked into his school . They don 't understand what he needs . That legislator over there ? She sponsored a bill so special education would get better in the state . In their eyes , it did . Students went from 21 % proficiency on the ELA part of Smarter Balanced to 23 % . To them , that is growth . The Superintendent over there ? She runs the district where the two kids from Georgetown go to school . She has a lot of students who can 't speak or read English . She hasn 't said one word tonight about how to help them . See the man over there ? He runs a charter school in Newark . They just settled on a lawsuit against the Christina School District . In return they will get more money in the future . Remember the girl in the maJohn and Santa left the building . As the two flew north , they talked about what John had to do . What he needed to change . They talked about the blogger and the parents , teachers , legislators , advocates , and citizens who thought like Santa did . " Those are the ones you really need to talk to John . I 'm sure you have heard from many of the people who were in that meeting tonight . If you haven 't , I have no doubt your advisors have . " John knew this to be true . " You need to understand the other side of the coin John , where the real world lives . These aren 't pleasant realities you saw tonight . For those fighting for the kids , even opting out of the test isn 't as easy as it once was . They are fighting for these kids , their kids . And their grandchildren . They are fighting for their jobs . They see beyond the results and the growth . They see what needs to change but no one listens . No one who can really make a difference . Some do , but not enough to make the changes . When they do speak , they are shunned by their peers . Given less importance . It isn 't right John . What the people in that room wanted , it won 't change anything . It will only cause more damage . You can 't incorporate education . These are children . You need to change all this . " John walked out of the sleigh . He thanked Santa for showing him so much of the Delaware he didn 't see before . The two shook hands . " Santa , I don 't know if I can change all of this by myself . You know if I try I will make enemies . Those enemies won 't make my job any easier . " Santa put his hand on John 's shoulder . " That is what all leaders who understand what is right and just have to face . Some succeed and some fail . Some do it alone and some have support . All I can say is this John - remember what you saw tonight . Every single time you make a decision . Remember the children 's faces before you see the adults . You know in your heart who is really in this for the kids and who isn 't . When you hear that voice in your head , questioning what the true motives are , listen to that . Let that be your shield against your enemies John . " John hugged Santa . " Merry Christmas Santa . " " And to you as well Governor Carney . " Santa walked toward his sleigh and turned around . " John , find those who speak the uncomfortable truths . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

We had our first appointment this morning , and it went pretty well . Brady played nicely while we talked about some of the things we 're concerned about . We all knew he was listening even though he acted like he wasn 't , so she pulled him into the conversation every so often to ask him what he thought about what we were talking about and to get confirmation that he had a hard time with those things . Then , Brady and Daddy went out into the hall while the doctor and I talked privately and I could go into more detail with examples of his behavior , and explaining what type of reward systems we 've used , etc . We left with lots of questionnaires to fill out , and a couple sheets for his teacher to fill out . After we get all those back to her , we 'll set up another appointment for her to play with Brady . Brady said he liked her and seemed okay with the idea of meeting with her more . I 'm really hoping all of this is worth it in the end and we 'll figure out how to help him . Never thought we 'd have to go to a professional to get help with parenting our kid . Sometimes I wonder if we 're overreacting or trying to find something to blame our kid 's behavior on . Or , that he 's a normal little boy and we just can 't handle it . I 'm sure plenty of people that know us and him probably think that 's what it is b / c he can usually hold it together so well outside of the home . But , then he 'll have an " episode " where we 're all left exhausted , scared , and overwhelmed ( Brady included ) and I remember why we started down this path to begin with . We shouldn 't have to live like this , always waiting for an explosion and walking on eggshells trying to keep another explosion from happening . He 's such a loving , sweet kid and I hope we can take care of all this other stuff so that he can have a happier , less stressful childhood . I 'm so excited ! I finally got around to making a crash pad for Brady . Hoping to get the rings and rope ladder from Ikea at some point , and we can have a little therapy area . Plus , we 're getting tired of the boys always pulling the couch apart just to jump on the cushions ! I found a twin duvet cover at Bed , Bath & Beyond for $ 15 , and as an added bonus , it 's a super soft plush fabric . Last one left , like it was just waiting for me . I also found a company near me that basically does custom foam cutting for other companies . They let me use a bunch of foam from their scrap pile , and even cut it up into pieces for me . So excited ! They 'll be getting it for Christmas , and I 'm sure it 'll be a hit . It 's now hiding in our unfinished basement , and I honestly don 't know where it 's going to live once it has to come upstairs as it 's pretty big . In my last post , I was talking about Brady 's bus behavior and how he was going to start sitting by himself . Well , that didn 't exactly help things . I thought he was doing ok , but then the driver called me up one day to tell me that she 'd have to write him up b / c another parent had called to complain about his behavior . The next day , I got a call from the Asst . Principal telling me that Brady had scratched another kid while walking from the bus to the school . On the face , from right by his eye down his cheek , drawing blood , for no apparent reason . I happened to be having lunch with him that day , so I stopped by her office afterwards . She had talked to his teacher about his sensory issues , and she was actually pretty familiar with the disorder and things that can help ! I was very encouraged . She had already talked to the school 's OT about some ideas to help him on the bus and during school . She has an older student with the same problem who she pulls out of class to do " chores " for her while wearing a heavy backpack , and PE teacher will let kids come to the gym for sensory breaks . The Asst . Principal is going to work with the OT to get a game plan in place to help Brady get some breaks during the day . It feels great to have someone willing to help us even though he doesn 't qualify for an IEP . We got a release form for our OT to talk to the school 's OT . And , as an added bonus , we actually know the school 's OT . She 's a friend of a friend and we have been to many parties together . I feel like we are actually on the road to getting Brady what he needs . Too bad it took him drawing blood from another kid 's face to do it . So , back to the bus . Apparently , he 's been sliding under his seat to get to the kids behind him and bother them . And he 's been grabbing and messing up artwork , even threw one out the window . Sounds like he has been seriously out of control . I truly think it 's the noise on the bus that is hyping him up . He used to avoid loud settings like that , but he can now " cope " with it . Problem is , it usually causes He was off the bus for the last half of last week . Hard for us b / c I have to wake little brother up from his nap to get to school in time in the afternoon . And Brady was seriously averse to the drop off line in the morning . Lots of drama after waiting in the line , pulling up to the curb , and then having to go park in a faraway place and walk him in with Henry in tow . We 're planning on him riding the bus again tomorrow , and I 'm nervous . Here 's our plan - 1 - He 'll have headphones playing classical music and our old iPhone to play games . Hoping the music will drown out the bus noise , and the games will help him keep his hands to himself . 3 - I 've been reminding him that having his bottom touching the seat is the only way to be safe on the bus . If the bus is moving , then his bottom needs to be on the seat . Just like when the car is moving , his buckles have to be buckled . 4 - The Asst . Principal is going to try to get a weighted lap pad for him to keep on the bus . He has one in the car , and he is much calmer when he has it on . I 'm scared , but we 'll give it a week and see how it goes . I have a feeling I 'll most likely be driving him after the winter break b / c it always seems like my best laid plans don 't work with him . But , we 'll see . . . I got called onto the bus yesterday afternoon , and the driver told me that he 's having a very hard time staying seated and keeping his hands to himself . SHOCKER ! ! No , really , it made me sad b / c I thought he was doing ok , as he is in class . So , for now , he 's going to have to sit by himself in the first row . We had a long talk last night , and I told him to keep his backpack on his lap , hoping the weight of it will help remind him to stay on his bottom . He 's usually pretty good when it comes to safety - related things , so I tried explaining how the only way to stay safe on the bus is to sit in the seat correctly . Equated standing up or getting on his knees to unbuckling his car seat straps . I 'm huge on car safety , so I was already worried about sending him off on a bus . If he doesn 't get better , I 'm going to have to start driving him , which none of us really want . I told him that if he can start sitting correctly , then after awhile we 'll try to let a friend sit with him . The driver seems very helpful and sympathetic , so I think we 'll get him straight . But it does worry me that she has to worry about all these kids , Brady bouncing around included , while driving down a two lane road ! I haven 't given an update on where we are with Brady lately , so here it is . A couple months ago , in the midst of our very difficult summer , I had made an appointment to have Brady re - evaluated for OT b / c I felt like he was back sliding quickly after 8 months without OT . Last week was the earliest they could see us . At this point , I keep feeling like he 's doing better , but I think it 's more that he 's now in full day school and I 'm not dealing with his antics all day long . On the weekends , Daddy 's around most of the time , taking a lot of the burden off of me . And , we 've all gotten better at recognizing when he needs to bump and crash and climb and kick and we ( Brady included ) now know of ways to get it appropriately . Still , he 's been having a lot of behavior problems that could or could not be SPD - related . So , off to the evaluation we go . She does the normal fine - motor testing , everything 's caught up there ( good , but means insurance won 't cover any OT now ) . Then she does some muscle and reflex testing . Found out something new there - he was asymmetrical tonic neck reflex , something that is supposed to go away by 6 months of age and that is now hindering his ability to hold his pencil correctly . He grips it kind of weirdly and too tight in order to fight the reflex that shouldn 't be there . It was a simple test to find this out , but no one had done it before . And I did it to my husband . Guess what ? He has it too ! By the end of the session , Brady was getting bored and jumping on the padded bed in the testing room , so the evaluator got to see that side of him . She gave him a sensory toy to play with , too . Then , she got to see a little bit of the behavior problems that we 've been dealing with . He refused to give up the toy . He screamed that he wanted to be alone as he tried to hide from us . In my mind , I know that 's what he does when he starts feeling threatened and is scared he 'll start hitting and kicking . Too bad this wasn 't the time or place to run off and hide . We got him out towards the waiting room and he did finIn other news , we met with his teacher later in the week and she thinks he 's doing fine . Not any worse than some of the other boys . Just a bit fidgety mostly , started doing cartwheels one day , hitting someone the next but overall not a disruption to the classroom . He 's having a little trouble getting some of his work done , but it 's getting better . We told her some things she can do to help him , and we just hope she 'll do them and he 'll be able to progress well in school . As part of the SPD Blogger Network , the September Blog Carnival was to post about Sensational Siblings . I 've been planning to write a post about siblings for awhile now , but I 'm finally getting around to actually doing it . I 've been reading some of the posts so far , and I 'm seeing alot about older siblings coming to understand the younger ones difficulties and finding ways to help him do better . Unfortunately , our SPD child is the oldest and doesn 't have that example . For awhile , we thought Brady just might be an only . He was such a handful that I knew I couldn 't handle another one as I saw most of my friends having their seconds . We finally decided to have another , and we were so blessed with a little brother for Brady . He loved babies , even chose to play with them instead of other kids his own age at playgroups . The biggest problem we had when Henry was a baby was that Brady didn 't know where his limbs were , and those limbs were constantly on the move . It was exhausting just making sure that he didn 't hurt Henry by accident and at the same time making sure he was able to play with him and give him the love he wanted to . Now that Henry is 2 , they are best friends . Henry follows him around and copies everything he does ( good and bad , unfortunately ) . And Henry is such a sweet , calm , snuggly little one . I 'm so glad we got to experience that since Brady never liked to be held much and couldn 't be left alone as a toddler b / c he was too destructive and I was scared he 'd get hurt . Henry will go off to the playroom and play quietly by himself while I get other things done . I do have to say , though , that it 's tough with the oldest one having sensory and aggression issues . Henry copies EVERYTHING . I see some of Brady coming out in Henry . A lot of it is typical toddler behavior ( which Brady hasn 't completely outgrown ) that will hopefully get better , but I worry that if we don 't get a handle on Brady 's problems , Henry will view that as how his behavior is supposed to be . Henry misses Brady terribly while he 's at school . As Henry has also helped me see that Brady really was a handful , and it wasn 't just bad discipline . So many of my friends would tell me that their kid just knows such and such is a rule so they do what they are supposed to do . Always made me feel like I was doing something wrong . A lot of them had handfuls for second children , so maybe they are now seeing that it wasn 't that they were such good teachers , but they 're first children just liked to please . Whenever I have to correct Henry , he gets this sad look on his face and says " k " in his little voice . Or , I threaten time - out , and he 'll go there on his own and actually stay there . With Brady , time - out always turned into a game of chase , and we ended up having to buckle him down to an old car seat to teach him how to stay in time - out . And when I count , he asks what happens when I get to three . He 's not worried about pleasing anyone , just wants to know if the crime is worth the punishment . All and all , I am so glad that they both have a brother to grow up with , and am actually amazed at how well they can play together sometimes . Brady loves to make his little brother laugh , and he can be so sweet and gentle with him . They kiss each other 's boo - boos . It 's times like those that make other the stuff worth putting up with . Brady came down this morning wearing a shirt that is known to have an itchy tag . He always wear another shirt under it to protect his skin . He let me help him put on the " short socks " that he threw at me the last time we tried them thinking they were Henry 's and telling me they were waaaaaaaay too small ( ankle socks instead of crew socks ) . He got through his first fire drill at school , said it was just a little scary but he was brave and got in line with the other kids . He allowed me to put on his socks and shoes yesterday even though he had a little boo - boo on his ankle . I was bracing for the shoe being thrown at me , but he just calmly told me he was ok with it . He 's been fine with the string of the nametag around his neck , which he couldn 't stand touching his skin at orientation . " Now that I 'm 5 , I 'm a lot braver and that stuff doesn 't bother me . When I was 4 it did , but now that I 'm 5 it doesn 't . " I could just cry ! He 's come so far in the last couple of years . At least so far , it 's looking like Kindergarten is agreeing with him . I hope it keeps up ! And I hope the itchy tag and short socks don 't make him have a bad day today after he insisted he was fine with them . Brady started Kindergarten this week ! ! After two days , he says he LOVES it . He did very well getting ready the first two days , but today I got a glimpse of how it 's probably going to go more often than not . He gets so darn distracted when he 's supposed to be getting ready in the morning . He has his clothes picked out for the whole week in his closet , but comes down this morning in something different . Grr . . . that means he has to go back upstairs to change after breakfast ( and no , he didn 't want to wear his initial outfit which would have been fine with me ) . So , Henry is downstairs eating breakfast and Brady is upstairs doing who knows what ? He FINALLY gets changed and comes down . Apparently , when he was eating breakfast he had asked to help me clean ( he saw me wiping the table ) and I had told him yes , once he was ready . Too bad it took him close to 30 minutes to be ready and at that point it was almost time to leave . So , to avoid an explosion , I gave him a sponge and let him wipe the table . Luckily , once Henry was done eating , he was ok stopping the cleaning because he 's determined to the first one at the bus stop . Letting him clean always worries me b / c he doesn 't want to ever stop , EVER . Combine these things with a new plastic lizard that he has to take care of AT ALL TIMES , and I 'm starting to see our rough mornings getting to school coming back . Oh , and we 've just started soccer with practice on Wednesday nights . He gets off the bus at 4pm and has to be at practice by 5 : 30pm . So yesterday ( our first time doing this ) , was a nightmare ! I let him watch a show when he got home , and then he had to eat some dinner . He ate a tiny bit of dinner and then I started asking him to get his soccer stuff from his room . The process started off well enough , but then something changed and his tiredness led to meltdowns and explosions . I 'm not even really sure what happened , but I remember one of them was caused by him tripping over his own feet . He blamed me b / c I was sort of near him , so he ran away from me and crashed onto tPosted by Last Saturday , we had a party at Chuck E Cheese ( his choice ) . He chose this venue because we had been there for another birthday party a couple months ago . The birthday child gets an inflatable crown with tokens and gets to try and catch tickets in a ticket blaster . He was VERY excited about getting in the ticket blaster . I knew VERY well that there was no way he 'd actually do it . I wanted to give him the best possible shot at being able to do it , so we had them turn it on beforehand so he could see just how loud it was . He was still excited about it . They said Daddy could go in it with him . Once the time came , he insisted that Daddy go first , without him . He LOVED watching Daddy do it ( and Daddy gots LOTS of tickets ! ) . After Daddy was done , he managed to get himself in there with a terrified look on his face . They started it up and he begged to get out instantly . Luckily , the attendant turned it off very quickly when I told her to so that he didn 't completely freak . I could see it in his eyes that if he was in there for 5 more seconds , he would have completely melted down . In the end , I was just super proud of him for trying , especially considering how he probably would not have even gone near it a couple years ago . It 's hard , though , to know that your kid really wants to do something and just can 't handle it . Waiting for it to start We went to the beach with my family a few weeks ago . Brady absolutely LOVED the beach . Everything about it . He played in the sand , carried tons of buckets of water to the hole that was inevitably dug every day . Even splashed in the surf , and rode in the kayak with Daddy . My eyes kept seeing all the proprioceptive input he was getting all day long ( which he never tired of ) , and I think it helped get him to do this - I couldn 't help but think about the last time we were at this exact beach in this exact house - 3 years ago . Brady was almost 2 and I 'd never even heard of SPD . I was reading " Raising Your Spirited Child " to help figure him out . It did help to some extent , btw . The one thing that sticks out most in my mind is how he reacted to the ocean . We were in the Outer Banks , where you have to walk up steps to go over the big sand dunes . You couldn 't hear or see the ocean before you reached the top . And as soon as you reached the top with Brady , he 'd start crying and screaming and trying to jump out of your arms back toward the house . It was crazy ! Each day got a little better . I think it was the second or third day of trying to get him out there , as we were standing at the top of the stairs , he started saying " OFF ! " while pointing out at the ocean . Aha ! That 's the problem , it was TOO LOUD ! Too bad I couldn 't fix that for him . So we spent a lot of time at the house , and towards the end of the week he could tolerate it enough to go and play in the sand with his cousins for awhile . I also remember some drinks getting splled b / c we were with people who weren 't used to his craziness and would dare to leave a drink unattended within his reach , and a lot of food being thrown during the big family meals , and other people 's food being pushed away if it got too close to his personal space . I remember him spending most of the meals with his booster seat up against the wall so that he couldn 't reach anyone else 's food and push it on the floor . So , it was interesting to be back in the same house again , with an older Brady whom we now understand a bit more and Henry being about the same age Brady was the first time . With understanding what is behind a child 's blowups , it is easier to diffuse them . I could see it in his eyes when he was about to get aggressive and could usually diffuse the situation , and he played wonderfully with his cousins at the house , the pool and the beach . It was also interesting to see how Henry did with it all . He loved the beach ( unless sand touched his face ) and the pool from the start , and left everyone 's food alone . He had more meltdowns than normal , but I think that 's to be expected at 2 years old . Posted by Most people who know Brady love his sweet personality and love of life , not to mention his hilarious antics and funny quotes . He 's very smart and wants to know everything about everything . He 's a wonderful big brother , making sure Henry is ok when he cries , wanting him to play in his room with him , and teaching him how to do " big kid things " . He tells us he loves us all the time . He loves his friends and makes them cards and wants them to come over all the time . And then there 's his other side . The side that slaps , kicks , scratches when you touch him to try to get his attention when he 's ignoring you . The side that runs to attack you because you did something that he didn 't like . The side that kicks you in the gut if you try to brush his skin or help put on his shoes when he 's not in the mood . This side of Brady is starting to get scary when it shows up . Brady has always been an aggressive kid . When he was a toddler , he was usually the first one to hit at playgroups and would run and tackle kids at his gym class . Sometimes , he 'd be standing up for himself when someone took his toy and that was pretty normal for that age . But it was the times where it was completely out of the blue that were hard to handle . How do you help a kid " use their words " when you had no idea what he was trying to say ? As he started talking better , things got better , at least in public , and when it did happen , I 'd at least be able to see why it happened . As we learned about his SPD , I realized that he was doing these things at playgroups and gym class because he wanted to leave ( that was usually the consequence ) and couldn 't tell me in an appropriate way . And then I felt guilty for putting him in those overstimulating situations . We really persued the SPD diagnosis because he was having problems in 3yr old preschool . Whenever they lined up , he pushed and they dominoed . When another kid got into his personal space , they 'd get a toy thrown in their face or pushed down or hit . After several months of OT , he did beautifully in 4 yr old preschool . We still had some problems here and there , it 's just in his nature , but it was manageable . Then came the summer and a big increase in the aggression , most of it aimed at me . We have just finished reading " The Exposive Child " and it has definitely helped with the predictible explosions , when I know that something is coming that might cause one . But usually the aggression comes out when someone does something that he wasn 't expecting in his mind , or does it thePosted by Well , it happened once again . Not surprising to me at this point . I 've been dealing with Brady being the playgroup bully since we started with playgroups . He 's such a sweet , loving kid that I hate to think that other kids won 't want to play with him because if he doesn 't get his way they are likely to get hit , kicked , or pushed . All the big kids went out to play on the playset and , as usual , it ended with a little girl coming to tell us that Brady hurt her . Apparently , there was a minor thing earlier where he hit a couple people . Then , later on , one of the girls come in with scrapes on her face . She said Brady kicked the door of the clubhouse in and hit her . Brady told me that they were being mean saying that he wasn 't allowed to come in . I 'm just getting really worried about him and his social skills . Everytime someone does something he doesn 't want , he tries to get his way by kicking / hitting / pushing . I 'm at a loss as to how to help him . He knows what he is supposed to do , but just can 't do it in the heat of the moment . I 'm scared no one is going to want to play with him anymore . He didn 't seem to have these problems at preschool this year ( but did the year before ) , so I 'm hoping he 'll do okay in Kindergarten in the fall . He 's also become much more aggressive with me lately , and I don 't really know how to handle it . I don 't know if it would help or not , but I 'm thinking about calling to see if we can get back into some OT . Most days Brady seems like a typical rough and tumble little boy who has some quirks . But it 's outings like this that remind me that he does have some " special needs . " We 've been wanting to see " Toy Story 3 " , but we were wondering if we should take Henry or not . He 's still a bit young to sit still through a whole movie , and we wanted to try out Brady 's new kid - sized earmuffs . So , the three of us headed to the free summer movie this morning - " Horton Hears a Who " which Brady has already seen multiple times . He 's been to a couple movies before and was fine as long as we kept him out of the seating area until he got used to the loud sound , so I wasn 't quite expecting the difficulties I had with him since he was now armed with earmuffs . He insisted on having the earmuffs on before even going into the theater and it still took a lot of convincing to get him to walk in as he was scared of how dark it was and how loud it might be . Then , I had to hold my hand over his eyes off and on for about 40 minutes because he was scared of things looking like they were going to come out at him . I guess I should explain this fear by telling you that we made a horrible mistake in trying to go to the 4D movie at Busch Gardens a few weeks back . After two water squirts , he was curled up in a ball screaming " make it go away . " So now he 's scared of things coming at him from the movie screen . Poor kid . I kept telling him we could leave if he wanted to and watch it at home , but he said he was too scared to walk down to the door b / c he 'd have to get closer to the screen . It was a mess . Towards the end , he settled in and had some Goldfish and is still claiming that he loved going to the movie theater . And all that was the easy part of the day . As we were leaving the theater a little girl bumped into him and spilled water on him . He had to hide until she was no longer in his site . Then he kept growling very loudly in the car , which made his brother do it as well , and then he cried for his earmuffs b / c it was too loud . Then we get home and had Posted by Shopping with Brady in tow is always an adventure . At the grocery store , Brady still likes to get into the little car carts , but he 's constantly hanging his head out the side trying to talk to me and yelling to me about everything we just have to buy because he 's never had it before or he 's seen it on TV . And at Target , he 's usually just grabbing things or at least touching everything . Well , yesterday , he had a blast at Target . It really was pretty funny . Apparently , he needed some proprioceptive input and he actually found decently acceptable ways to get it ! We got one of those carts that has the two seats attached to handle side , but he didn 't want to sit there for long . For most of the trip , he pretended that the cart was a runaway train . He 'd stop and have me walk ahead and then he 'd run and jump onto the seat . He had a great time and entertained some of the other shoppers as well . When we had to stop and look at something , he had a horrible time trying to be still and stop talking so I could think , but once we were moving again , he was fine . At the end of the trip , we had to stand and wait for some pictures I had printed . Instead of bugging me too much , he found a new way to get some proprioceptive input - And after all that , he was able to calmly decorate the frame we had bought for Father 's Day . Even when he didn 't do something quite like he had planned , there was no meltdown , he just decided that Daddy would still like it . Usually if he makes a mistake , he 'll have to start over no matter how minor the problem . We were dealing with permanent markers and I was scared , but he did beautifully ! At almost 5 years old , I would 've thought he 'd be better about dealing with this by now . Brady comes up with a plan , and if it has to be changed or interuppted , he acts like the world is ending . Ever since he could communicate , he 's been very firm in what he wants . It used to be that a certain person had to get his drink for him , or his sandwich had to be cut a certain way . If you didn 't meet his expectations ( whether he had told you about them or not ) , he 'd have a fit . It wasn 't all that surprising when he was a " terrible two - year - old " , but now it 's getting really old . He has the words to tell us what he wants and he should have to patience to deal with things if they don 't go according to plan . First - When we open the garage door and light pours in , Brady pretends it is fire . He freezes on the stairs until the door is completely open and then has to walk around the light patches on the floor because they 'll " burn " him . Major meltdown when Daddy tries to make him finish down the stairs before the door is done opening . And by meltdown , I mean pushing Daddy back up the stairs trying to hit and kick , then running back inside crying for 5 minutes before we could coax him to come back outside to the car . Daddy had NO idea what he did wrong . Second - On the way to dinner last night , Brady decides he wants us to sit on either side of Henry , and Daddy on the other side of the table . I told him Daddy would want to sit with them , but that is not acceptable in his mind . We get to the restaurant where we 're meeting Daddy and Daddy picks up Henry , sits him down in the booth and slides in next to him . Brady starts bawling . After a couple minutes , we manage to calm him down so he can tell Daddy his plan and we figure something out that 's agreeable to all . He sometimes calms down fairly quickly , but I don 't know how to help him not have the emotional outburst in the first place . . I 'm just wondering if / when / how Brady will learn that people can 't read his mind so he needs to use his words instead of crying / hitting / kicking / running away when someone does something he wasn 't planning on and if / when / how he 'll be able to handle a change in plans or do what other people want to do instead . All that and . . . . . I really wish he 'd stop being so rude to people that try to open or hold the door open for us . He 's my designated doorman , but other people don 't know that and they are just trying to be polite . Even Daddy forgets sometimes and he gets an earful when that happens . Thursday morning , we went to the zoo with some friends , then went out to lunch . We all decided to head to Johnny Rocketts , where we 've never been before . As soon as Brady walked in , he got a terrified look on his face and covered his ears . One of his friends tried to hand him a pack of crayons and Brady kicked them out of his hands . We stayed for a few minutes to see if he could get used to it , but he couldn 't . I felt so bad b / c he kept saying he wanted to eat there , but he just couldn 't handle it . So we all walked to McD 's . Fast forward to today . We got a coupon for a free shake from the same restaurant , and I thought it might be good to try it out again when we weren 't with a bunch of people and have had a calmer morning . He did great ! He was scared at first , but knew a milkshake was in his future so we were able to distract him and he got used to it fairly quickly . I was so happy for him to conquer the loud restaurant ! I don 't know if it was an after - effect of the loud restaurant ( since he seemed to handle it so well ) , but he was constantly in and out of quiet time this afternoon . And he wanted to come to the store with me this afternoon to get some papers laminated ( I 'll leave what I 'm doing with those to another post ) . Major issues just trying to get out the door . He just doesn 't get it that there is limited time in a day . He kept going back to playing when I told him we needed to leave . Then I 'd threaten to leave without him and he 'd freak out . He finally got shoes on , then realized he had wanted some cherries for snack and started crying when I told him he 'd have to find something he could eat in the car instead . I can 't remember how I managed to get him out to the car , but I did , even though I knew it probably wouldn 't be a pleasant shopping trip . Unfortunately , we didn 't have time to do any of his " exercises " before heading out . First stop - OfficeMax . He got a little upset that they wouldn 't let him help laminate the papers , but I distracted him with some little card holders on the counter . Then we had to go find the velcro . He found crayons that he didn 't want to give up . Once I wrestled those away , he started head - butting me as we walked down the aisle . It got worse as I tried to figure out what I needed to buy . When I squatted down to talk to him , he jumped up and his head went straight into my nose . OUCH ! We then had to stop at Babies R Us . He did alright in that he didn 't start to head - butt again , but he had to touch every single thing he walked past and knocked lots of things down . At least he cleaned everything up without too much hassle . I really need to stop trying to take this kid out in the afternoon , especially when we haven 't done a very good job with the sensory diet for the day . Yesterday was Brady 's very last day of preschool , so I lined up a sitter for Henry so that I could spend some one - on - one with my rising Kindergartner ! We went out to lunch , then to the mall play area , then to the post office and bank ( b / c they are near the mall ) , then to Target , then to pick up Henry . We also happened to have a birthday party to go to for two of the boys ' cousins . So , we got home at 4 : 30 and had to wrap presents , eat dinner , and head back out by 5 : 30 . Stayed at the party to almost 8 . Both boys are usually in bed by then . For the most part , I enjoyed the afternoon with Brady , but it was exhausting . He did pretty well with all the stimulation , but by the ride home that night , he literally could not stop talking . He even ran out of things to say and started singing a nonsense song . I have to say that I 'm grateful to know how to help him with overstimulating situations . After lunch , we went and played at the play area . I let him jump off the equipment as long as no one was close enough to get hurt , I let him skip down the mall , I let him climb the pole at the post office , and touch everything we walked past at Target . I really never thought I 'd actually encourage my kid to do most of these things in public , but I can see such a difference when I let him do them . He used to start spinning , running and hiding , crashing into me , falling on the floor , and trying to pull me down by the end ( or at the beginning ) of a shopping trip . So , to me , skipping down the aisle w / in a reasonable distance from me and touching every item on the shelf is much more acceptable behavior . I really think we 're both figuring out how to get the input he needs in a decently appropriate way . Oh , and giving him my sunglasses when we forgot his rather than trying to get him to walk out into the daylight w / out protection . He looked pretty funny , but I was so glad I had something to give him b / c he was refusing to step out of the shade w / out them . Before we went back out to the birthday party , I convinced him to let me do joint comprPosted by I guess this just shows how crazy this SPD thing can be ! Brady asked me this morning for water in a straw cup , kind of strange for him . I gave it to him , and he drank a little , but then proceeded to chew on the straw . I told him he couldn 't chew on the straw b / c it 'll break . He understood that , but kept asking what he could chew on . After school , I found him chewing / sucking on a finger . Then , later he was eating yogurt and kept twirling the spoon around in his mouth and chewing on it . So I went online and ordered him some chew sticks to have around . The weird thing is that he hasn 't chewed on anything like this in over a year ! I remember back when we were first figuring all this out , he was chewing on his fingers alot . But he hasn 't done it since we started OT , so it was a surprise this morning . I was always glad that he didn 't chew on things , so I hope this phase will go quickly because it 's just gross . I 'm guessing it 'll stop by the time the chew sticks arrive . I didn 't realize that W sitting was really a problem until his OT told us to discourage it on our very first visit . I recently did some online research and it really explained how Brady 's constant W sitting was caused by balance problems , and also made his problems worse . I 've been scrapbooking pictures from 2008 lately , the year he turned 3 , and in every single picture that he was sitting in , he was W sitting . When we first started trying to get him to stop , he really had a hard time sitting any other way . It 's funny that a position that I figured was just a preference was actually hurting his development of balance and he was doing it because he wasn 't stable enough to sit any other way . But now , over a year after starting to work with him on it , it 's still his default sitting position , although he 'll go easily to another position when reminded . Will he ever get out of this habit ? Our other issue that hasn 't gotten much better is the toe walking . It 's almost like he can 't think if he 's not on his toes . The harder he 's trying to get out what he 's trying to say , the more he wanders around on his toes . When he should be standing still , he 's actually up on his toes kind of teetering around . It 's mostly when he 's barefoot , so hopefully he doesn 't do it too much at school . I 'm worried that kids are going to start making fun of him because he 's getting a bit big for it . I just can 't help wondering how much longer I 'm going to have to constantly be saying things like , " We don 't sit like that , " " legs " , " fix your legs " , " watch how you 're sitting , " and " heels down . " Poor Brady has been wanting to start taking showers off and on for a while now , but has been scared because he hates getting water in his face . We tried to do one a couple months ago , and it did not go well , even with a swimming mask . He wanted to try one again tonight . It was still hard , but we got through it and by the end , he was closing his eyes and putting most of his head in the water . We even washed his body AND hair ! ! It started off with us trying to figure out the water temperature . Brady likes his baths to be lukewarm , and there is a very narrow window of " correct " temperature . So getting the right temp from the faucet up to the shower was an ordeal and I almost gave up before he was barely even wet . Once we figured that out , he decided he liked the water on his back , so we started soaping him up . We had a few problems rinsing his front side , and moreso once it was time to get his hair wet , but he got through it . There was a lot of screaming for his towel to wipe his eyes . He said his eyes burn when they get water in them . Poor kid . His towel , and me , and the floor , were all quite wet before it was all done , but I 'm so proud of him for getting back in there . At one point , he got some water on his face and said " I 'm kind of fine , but I want my towel . " He was trying to be so brave . He was so incredibly excited and proud of himself for this accomplishment that I 'm so glad I was able to keep my patience and help him get through all his fears and burning eyes . I hope this continues because I hear showers are a lot quicker than baths for kids . I can 't believe this day is finally here . It 's been on my calendar for almost a year , and it 's finally here ! I took Brady out of preschool a little early today and took him out to lunch before we went to register . He told me that they hadn 't gone outside at school yet , so that was worrisome . To get some exercise , I asked him to do 20 jumps while we waited in line , and of course he didn 't stop there . At lunch , he acted up the whole time we were there , couldn 't decide what he wanted ( even though he ALWAYS get the pizza ) , whined A LOT , spilled his milk ( thank goodness not much got on him b / c I 'm out of extra clothes in the car ) , and kicked his shoes off . I was worried . So when we finally got back in car , I did joint compressions and talked about behaving at the school and listening to the teacher . He was excited to go and told me he 'd behave . When we got there , we had to wait in line , a short one thankfully . He kept pulling on me and trying to swing and jump around . Nearly pulled my arm out of the socket . Luckily , he took my suggestion of coloring the pages they had out for the kids . Once he got involved in that , he did fantastic . And did wonderfully on the testing . I think he was excited to tell the teacher everything he knew . We went out for ice cream afterwards and then stayed and let him run back and forth on the sidewalk area for awhile . I 'm so glad that this day is over and everything went reasonably well . So , I guess he 's definitely starting next year ! He 's so excited and I 'm very nervous . I really don 't know if this an spd thing , a Brady thing , or just a boy thing , but having friends or family over to visit causes the children to go WILD . I really wish I could take Brady out of the equation and see how the other kids behave . Brady gets soooooo excited to have people over to our house that he just can 't stand it . When we tell him someone 's coming there 's lots of jumping up and down and squealing , followed by asking every five minutes when they 're going to get here . And once they arrive and the " hi " s are said , Brady proceeds to RUN around the house , sometimes bouncing off the furniture . And the other kids follow suit , most likely b / c they aren 't allowed to do that at home . With all the fun toys and games we have , all the kids want to do is run around the house . And throw things at each other . Ok , so they don 't always throw things at each other , but when my husband decides to blow up a beach ball right before guests arrive , they do . We had 3 boys and a girl over for dinner last night . For most of the evening , they all ran around throwing the ball at each other , hiding from each other , etc . The little girl would take breaks to play quietly with Henry , which was great , but they 'd eventually join the fun . We did manage to get the craziness outside for a little while right before and after dinner , which gave the adults a much needed break . We have a fenced in yard , so we could just watch from the peaceful house . Only problem - poor Henry couldn 't join them w / out an adult and none of us adults were in the mood to go out there . So he just sat at the screen door watching all the big kids . Luckily , he didn 't get as upset as I expected . So , I 'm really wondering how playdates go when Brady isn 't involved . I have visions of the kids doing some imaginary play , some games , maybe a little bit of running around . But maybe not , guess I won 't really know until Henry gets to be Brady 's age and have playdates without Brady around . This also poses a problem when we have kids over that have a " no running in the house " rule Posted by Brady has his first t - ball game today . Actually , it 's called Blastball . They only have one base ( which squeaks when you step on it ) and the fielders just have to get the ball and yell " Blast " . Hoping it all goes well . At the " orientation / practice " , he was determined to always get the ball and all the kids tackled each other and fought for the ball . Hope it goes better today . We tried to have a practice last weekend , but only half the team showed up . The team is only 6 players , and one of the kids that showed up wanted nothing to do with it . Should be fun , and hopefully no one will get hurt . I 'd have to say yesterday was our hardest day in a long while . For some reason , I thought I 'd try to do something spontaneous because Henry fell asleep in the car while Brady was at preschool . I knew he wouldn 't be able to take an afternoon nap after that and both boys desperately needed new shoes . The best shoe store in town is 30 minutes away , so it 's hard to find the time to get over there . So , Henry slept for 30 minutes in the car , we picked Brady up from preschool , went out to lunch , and then headed for the store . Lunch went fine , but took a lot longer than it should have b / c we ran into the boys ' grandparents right when we had finished . Brady was still hungry and they offered to buy him another sandwich , so we stayed for almost an hour longer than we should have . Brady is used to having quiet time in his room every afternoon , but we sometimes skip it if we have other things going on . Yesterday showed me what NOT to do in lieu of quiet time . We get to the store and Brady tells the lady that he has to have light up shoes . My only requirement is no laces . Poor girl searched all the brands for a light up pair in his size , but they had none , so he didn 't want to get anything at first . While she was looking , the boys started unshelving their display of stuffed animals . I was ok with that at first b / c it was keeping them occupied and I knew they 'd clean it up when they were done . But then Brady started , as I should have expected , throwing the animals at the ceiling , and I couldn 't get him to stop . Once we managed to get the first pair of shoes was on his feet , he had to run across the store b / c the lady asked him to walk for her . And then he wouldn 't stop . And then his brother started copying him . He got completely out of control and I should have just left , but we had a whole pile of shoe possibilities sitting there and it 's so hard to get to this store . So we stayed . And things got worse . He refused to even try on the sandals , and when he put a pair of tennis shoes on , he 'd pull them right back off saying they fePosted by I 'm a stay at home mom to two boys , Brady and Henry . My oldest , Brady , 5 years old , has some " sensory issues " that make life a bit more difficult than it is for others . I 'm hoping I can keep up with this blog as I 'd like to use it as a journal for myself , but also possibly help others out there struggling with the same problems . The youngest , Henry , is 2 . 5 years old , and seems to be much more mild - mannered than his brother , but also loves to copy him , which can lead to some crazy days .

Facing death is a life - changing experience and one that most of us fear . The first time I faced this monster , I paced and cried , ranted and cursed its arrogance . The second time , I tightened my mid - section and refused to acknowledge it ; but I couldn 't sleep . The third time , I took in a deep breath , sat down , and closed my eyes . In a flash , I saw myriad lifetimes pass before me - incarnations I was fortunate to have lived . When he was only a white bunny , Bobby used to live in the woods with his other bunny friends . His closest friends were Homer , Janice , and Tommy . They would play together every day . They would play many games , but their favorite was hide - n - seek . That was ever so much fun . One day , Bobby decided that he was going to be the champion hide - n - seek player of all time . He would hide so well that no one would ever find him . Not even Janice who was the best hide - n - seek player in the whole wide world ! On that day , as Janice covered her eyes and counted to one hundred , Tommy and Homer hid in their usual places . But Bobby went deep into the woods , farther than he had ever gone before . His mommy would have been so worried about him if she had known how far from home he had traveled . After a while , he came to an old fallen - down - and - hollowed - out log in a quiet glade . I can hide in there and Janice will never find me , thought Bobby . So he hopped into the log and made himself comfortable . It was cozy . It was so cozy that after a while , Bobby started to get sleepy . I 'll take a short nap . Then I 'll go back and surprise them all . How all the other bunnies will cheer when I hop into the clearing after Janice has given up looking for me . These were his thoughts as he fell asleep . The next thing Bobby knew , it was nighttime . He had slept longer than he had intended , and he was afraid . It was too dark to find his way home ; he missed his mommy . He wanted to cry , but decided he would be a big bunny and not cry . He would wait for the sun to come up and then he would scamper home as fast as he could . When he awoke this time , the sun was out and the birds were singing . It was a beautiful day . " Oh , good ! Now I can go home , " said Bobby . He started to squirm his way out of the log and he was almost out when he heard , " Dum - dee - dum - dum . Dum - dee - dum - dum . " Someone was humming to himself . Then the phrase was repeated : " Dum - dee - dum - dum . " " What is this ? " Bobby wondered aloud . There was only one way to find out , he would have to leave the safety of the log . The voice did not sound scary . In fact it was quite a pleasant voice , so he made his way out into the sunshine . There , before him , stood the biggest bunny he had ever seen . And to top it off , he was pink in colour ! The bunny was stirring something in a big black kettle . And there were many more kettles spread throughout the glade . The Easter Bunny walked over to a kettle and lifted what looked like a heavy sack . He poured the contents into the pot . " You stir this while I go on to the next one . " Bobby turned away and hopped down the trail . But an hour later he was back . " I can 't find my way home . I 've gone too far . I 've never been this far into the woods before . " The Easter Bunny sighed . " I will see that you get home , but first you must help me . Pick up a stick and stir that kettle over there , " he said pointing to the biggest kettle of the lot . With another sigh , the Easter Bunny went over and opened a short step - ladder that was nearby and put it next to the kettle . " Here . Stand on this , and make sure the colour is thoroughly mixed with the water . There is nothing worse than spotted eggs . " Bobby was warming to the task . It was fun to watch the colour swirls as they mixed with the water . His attention was so fixed on what he was doing that he did not notice he had moved a little too close to the pot . When he did notice , he tried to take a step back , but he lost his balance and fell into the kettle . That was all right ; the water was not hot , but the edge was too high for him to reach . He yelled for help , but there was no one there to hear him . The Easter Bunny gave Bobby a towel and told him to dry off . " And sit over there , out of the way . As soon as my eggs are coloured , I 'll see you home . " A few hours later , Bobby was standing in front of his burrow waving good - bye to his new friend , the Easter Bunny . When he went inside , he saw his mother standing at the sink and he called to her . She turned to him - and dropped the plate she was washing . His brothers and sisters snickered and laughed . " What is it ? " he wanted to know . From that day onward , everyone called him Bobby the Blue Bunny . And when he grew up , he became known as Bobby the Big Blue Bunny . It was then that he stopped playing hide - n - seek . Being big and blue , he was always too easy to find . by Andrew JoyceMay 28 , 2017May 29 , 2017 I went off to war at the tender age of sixteen . My mother cried and begged me to stay , but my country needed me . I would not see my mother again for four very long years . Due to my age , I was assigned to field headquarters as a dispatch courier for the first two years of the war . However , by the beginning of the third year , I had grown a foot taller and was shaving . And because men were dying at an alarming rate , I was sent into the trenches . They say that war is hell . I say hell is peaceful compared to living in a muddy trench with bombs exploding around you at all hours of the day and night . Though there were periods of respite from the shelling . Those were the hours when the enemy had to let their big guns cool or else the heat of firing would warp them . I lived like that for two years . I was at Verdun where I saw the true hell of war . After eleven months , we fought to a standstill . When the dead were counted , almost a million men from both sides had given their lives and not one inch of ground had been gained . By November of 1918 , we were out of food , out of ammunition , and almost out of men to send to the slaughter . The people at home had had enough of seeing their sons and fathers and brothers shipped home in boxes . There were marches and protests against the war . Near the end , the dead were not even sent home . They were buried in the fields where they had fallen . At last , the war was over . I am told that nine million men died in those four years , and another twenty million were wounded . I was there and those numbers seem a little low to me , but what do I know ? I was only a private . When I returned home , President Ebert was there to meet us soldiers . He shook my hand and said , " No enemy has vanquished you . " He said the same thing to each man as he stepped off the train . Then I read in a newspaper that he repeated the same phrase in a speech . He should not have done so . It was the basis of , the beginning of , Dolchstoßlegende , the Stab - In - The - Back Myth . The myth that said we lost the war because of the Jews , the Socialists , and the Bolsheviks . But mostly because of the Jews . I told you of my war experience because I wanted you to know I was there . I saw why we lost the war , and it was not because of Dolchstoßlegende . However , Dolchstoßlegende would affect me much more than the war ever had . My mother , when she saw me , dropped the dish she was holding . It broke on the floor , shattering into many pieces . She rushed to me and held me tight . I felt her warm tears on my neck until she let go and held me at arm 's length . " Let me look at you , " she said as she cried with happiness . " My , you have grown so big ! You remind me of your father . " My father had died years earlier ; I barely remembered him . It was good to be home . I had no plans except to sleep late every morning and eat my mother 's good cooking . However , the sleeping late was not to be . When I left , my mother was working in her friend 's millinery shop , but the shop had gone out of business during the war . My mother had been living off the money I was sending home every month . She said she did not write me of her plight because she did not want me to worry about her . I was no longer a boy . I was now a man of twenty years . I had seen the horrors of war and I had lived through those horrors . Certainly , I could provide for my mother and me . Four days after returning home , I went in search of a job . My first employment was with a blacksmith . However , that did not last long . The automobile was driving him out of business , and he had to let me go . Then Herr Hoffman hired me ; he ran the largest bakery in Berlin . It was a good job because I was treated well and shown respect by Herr Hoffman . It was a job I was to have until . . . well . . . until I could no longer work . More on that later . It was about that time the troubles began . The Allies had demanded reparations , and because of the war itself , there were food shortages and inflation . It was not uncommon to see someone with a suitcase filled with Mark notes going to buy a few groceries . One day , a man came into our shop with a 10 , 000 Mark note and asked if it would be enough to buy ten loaves of bread . Before the war , a loaf of bread cost 10 Pfennig , the equivalent of an American nickel . It was good to work where I could take a little food home every day , even if it was only a loaf of stale bread . By 1924 , inflation had gotten so bad that the Mark was replaced by the Reichsmark , but it did little good . There was still rampant inflation , and food shortages persisted . Of course , someone had to be blamed for the sorry state of affairs . That is when the Brownshirts appeared . I used to see them on the street corners giving speeches . They were always going on about the Jews and the communists . In those days , I kept mostly to myself . However , being a young man , I did , on occasion , go to a beer hall for a stein or two . It was on one of those occasions that I had my first , but not my last , run - in with the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei or the National Socialist German Worker 's Party . They called themselves Nazis . The year was 1931 . I was thirty - three years old . I still lived with my mother and I still worked for Herr Hoffman . But by then , I did more than carry the fifty - pound bags of flour for the bakers . I was now a baker myself . It was a very good position . After my second stein , I could take it no longer . I turned to them and asked , " Were any of you in the war ? " I knew none of them had been because of their age . I think the oldest one couldn 't have been more than twenty - five . One of the younger ones answered my question . " No , but if we had been , we wouldn 't have lost the war . " At that , I had to smile . I was dealing with children . My smile seemed to anger them . " What are you laughing at ? " one of them asked . Another stood and approached me . " Are you a Jew ? " he demanded . That was enough for me . I stood and said , " No , I am not a Jew , but I fought shoulder to shoulder with them during the war while you were sucking your mother 's tit . And pound for pound , I 'd rather have a Jew fighting next to me than any of you ! " True to the Nazi form , they took out their batons and beat me . There were six of them , so I did not have much of a chance , but I did get in a few good punches . One of which knocked out a front tooth of the man who had asked if I was a Jew . Someone called the police , and they broke up the brawl . Just in time from my way of thinking ; I was getting the worst of it . I was told to go home , and as I paid my bill , I saw the policemen talking to the Brownshirts . They all seemed quite friendly with one another . In January of 1933 , Herr Hitler became the chancellor of our republic . In February , the Reichstag burned . The Nazis said it was arson and Hitler persuaded President von Hindenburg to pass the Enabling Act , which suspended our civil liberties . The Act empowered Hitler to name himself dictator of Germany , which he did in 1934 . His first act as dictator was to outlaw trade unions . Then he passed laws prohibiting Jews from working in the civil service and as lawyers or doctors for anyone except their own people . By 1938 , I had been promoted to master baker in Herr Hoffman 's shop . My life was good . My mother was still alive , and we still lived together . On my way home one night , I stopped off at a local ratskeller for a stein . As I entered , I bumped into a man wearing the black uniform of the Schutzstaffe ; he was missing a front tooth . I knew him right away . He was the Brownshirt whose tooth I had knocked out back in 1931 . All of Germany knew of Hitler 's storm troopers , and all of Germany feared them . I could see that he remembered me from somewhere , but was not sure where . Before he could remember , I left without having my stein . As I was going through the door , I turned to see him talking to the barmaid , pointing in my direction . Since the passing of the Enabling Act , it was legal to arrest a person for little or no reason . Most of the arrests were of people who spoke out against Hitler . The SS Storm Troopers were the ones that did the arresting . Once the SS had you in custody , you ended up in a concentration camp . The establishment of the camps was also one of the things Herr Hitler did in his first year as chancellor . I had no desire to be sent to a camp for punching a party member in the face years earlier , so I hurried home that evening . I remember the date well . It was 8 November 1938 , one day before Kristallnacht or Crystal Night , also known as The Night of Broken Glass . Over a two - day period , the SS and non - Jewish citizens throughout the country destroyed property owned by Jews . Storefronts were shattered ; homes entered and looted ; synagogues set afire . The property of Jews was easy to identify because their stores , houses and synagogues were painted with a yellow Star of David or the word Jude . On the final night of Kristallnacht , the SS - led by the storm trooper with the missing tooth - came for me . My mother cried and pleaded with them not to take me . I said nothing ; I knew what it was about . It was about revenge for a single punch in the face seven years earlier . The SS put me in jail and there I sat for a month before I was charged with treason to the Fatherland and being a " Jew - lover . " Without a trial , I was sent to Dachau , which was located in southern Germany . At first , I was treated as any other prisoner . I was sent to a sub - camp and used as slave labor , hollowing out a mountain for a military installation . Then one day , two prison guards hauled me out of the mountain , transported me back to the main camp , and escorted me into the office of the camp commandant , Hauptsturmführer Piorkowski . I stood before his desk with a guard on either side of me . Piorkowski was reading a file and did not acknowledge our presence . I was hopeful that at last someone had realized my arrest had been a mistake , that it was due to a vengeful major of the SS . I had been in the camp five months by then and had lost forty pounds . I would not last much longer if I was not freed . Piorkowski smiled and asked if I knew how to make strudel . Of course I did , and I told him so . Again he smiled and said , " We will see . " He told the guards to take me to the showers , get me a clean prison uniform , and escort me to the kantine . Turning to me he said , " This might be your lucky day . If you can make a decent strudel , I will take you out of the mountain and put you to baking for the officers and enlisted men . Our cooks are adequate , but none of them can make a proper strudel . And their breads are not much better . " After I cleaned up , the two guards took me to the main kitchen . There were two kitchens , the main one that prepared the SS 's food , and another one that did the same for the prisoners . Both were staffed by men of the Wehrmacht or regular army . The men of the Waffen - SS were above such things as running a mess hall . Of course , prisoners could not be trusted to work around food considering the insufficient amount we were given . They would not have been able to help themselves and would have stolen more food than they prepared . When we arrived , one of the guards left and the other one told the cook on duty what the commandant wanted of me . The cook shrugged and pointed to a table next to a wall of ovens . The guard said , " You will find what you need under the table . " And he added , " The ovens are heated and ready to go . " He did not leave ; he just stood there and watched me work . The smells of the kitchen were driving me mad . I was hungry , incredibly hungry , but I knew if I asked for something to eat , I would probably be beaten . Soon the strudels were ready for the oven . I had made twelve filled with cheese . When they were done , I took the pan out of the oven and laid it on the table . The guard was a young private ; he was licking his lips as his eyes followed the strudels from oven to table . Then the cook came over . He looked at my work and then picked up a strudel . It was hot , but it did not seem to faze him . He took a bite , chewed and swallowed . Without saying a word , he nodded at me and went back to whatever it was he had been doing . It was all I could do not to shove a strudel into my mouth . The private took me and the strudels back to the commandant . This time we had to wait in the outer office for about fifteen minutes . But at least I was not in the mountain with a pickaxe in my hand and a machine gun at my back . At length , we were summoned into Piorkowski 's office . As we entered , the commandant told me to lay the pan on his desk . I could see that a place had been cleared for that purpose . Then he said , " If they taste half as good as they smell , you will have a new job here at our little camp . Now wait outside until called for . " The guard and I left Piorkowski to enjoy his strudels . By the time we were called back in , two of the strudels were gone , and Piorkowski had a smile on his face . " It is a good thing for you that you are not a Jew , " he said . The questioning look on my face must have prompted him to go on . " If you were a Jew , I couldn 't allow you in the kitchen . None of my men would eat anything that was touched by a Jew , no matter how tasty . " As I turned to leave , Piorkowski told the guard that , after he brought me back to the kitchen , he could go about his regular duties . " I don 't think our new baker will try to escape because , if he did , then I 'd have to have him shot . " To me he said , " The head cook will tell you what you need to know . I 've instructed him to give you one meal a day , regular rations . We don 't want you getting too weak to make your wonderful strudel . " As I bent to pick up the tray with the remaining strudels , he told me to leave it . Then as an afterthought , he said , " Keep clean . I will give orders allowing you to shower every day . And when your uniform is soiled , ask for a clean one . I do not want dirt or lice falling onto what you bake . " I nodded , and the guard and I started out , but before we got to the door , Piorkowski asked , " How are you with pfeffernüsse ? " I told him I was the best with anything he wanted baked , including spice cookies . When I answered him , there was a slight edge to my voice . I was still disappointed at not being released . His smile was quickly replaced with a frown . " Never use that tone of voice with me again or I 'll send you back to the mountain . Now get to work ! " I was brought back to the kitchen and placed in the hands of the head cook . He informed me of my duties . His main concern was bread . There were 1500 camp personnel , mostly SS , but there were also , as I have said , some Wehrmacht . He would need 1000 loaves per day . Of course , it was also going to be my duty to make desserts . Unless ordered by the commandant to produce a particular dessert , he would leave the decision of what to prepare up to me . He was a nice man , a sergeant in the Wehrmacht . He treated me as an equal the entire time I worked in his kitchen . His name was Joseph Müller . It was late in the afternoon , and there would be no more baking that day . They fired the ovens at 3 : 00 a . m . and that was when my day would begin . It would not end until I had everything baked for the evening meal , usually between 4 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . After he had finished showing me around and told me what was expected of me , I told him that I could not come up with 1000 loaves of bread per day and desserts for 1500 men twice a day , every day , without some help . Sgt . Müller said he had detailed six men to help me . He had told them to do what I said and pay no attention to the fact that I was a prisoner . It was the first time in five months that I had been treated like a human being and it brought a tear to my eye . Unlike Auschwitz and Buchenwald , Dachau was not a death camp . It was a camp for political prisoners . Many died , but the deaths were mostly from disease and starvation . I felt guilty eating my one meal a day in the kitchen while my fellow prisoners lined up for their meager meal of watered - down soup . We were always hungry , but I had it a little better than the other prisoners . That is why , one afternoon when my work was done , I smuggled two loaves of bread from the kitchen and brought them to my barracks . My intent was to feed a few poor souls . But when the people saw what I had , a riot broke out . People were shoving and stepping over one another to get to me . The loaves were wrenched from my hands before I was five steps into the barracks . Of course , with all the commotion , the guards came in , and when they saw what was happening and what had caused the disturbance , I was brought before Piorkowski . " So that is how you repay my kindness ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went on . " One more incident like we had this afternoon , I will hang you in the yard and your body will stay there until it rots . It will serve as a reminder to the other prisoners that my will is law , and anyone who breaks my law will suffer a similar fate . " He then calmed down , and in a softer voice , he said , " Seeing as how you love your fellow prisoners so much , you can eat with them for the next four days . After that , you can go back to your meal in the kitchen . I don 't want you too weak to work . " When I returned to the barracks , no one would look me in the eye or speak with me . They were ashamed for the way they had acted and resentful of me for being the cause of their shame . But I could not blame them . Hunger is a terrible thing . To be hungry day in and day out , with no relief in sight , will take away one 's humanity . Six other commandants followed Piorkowski , and they all kept me baking my breads and strudels . That is how I survived Dachau . I did not starve to death because I ate relatively well . Besides my daily meal , I snuck cheese and fruits meant for the strudels and a piece of bread now and then . I had to be careful because , if caught , I 'd be reported . Sgt . Müller knew what I was doing , but as I 've said before , he was a good man . I did not succumb to disease because of my diet and the fact that I was allowed to shower daily . The commandant and the SS officers left in the morning ; the Americans came in the afternoon . The first thing the Americans did once they had control of the camp was separate the men of the Wehrmacht from the SS . Then they stood forty - five men of the SS up against a wall and executed them . At the time , I did not speak English , but a prisoner who did told me why the SS were shot . A half mile from the camp , the Americans had come upon railroad cars that were locked and standing idle . When the cars were opened , there lay two thousand dead Jews . They had been left locked in the cars with no water or food for three weeks . Many of the Americans retched from the smell of feces and rotting flesh . Many more were sick just from the horrible sight . So , when the Americans liberated our camp , they were not feeling too kindly towards members of the SS . In fact , they stood around and watched , and did not interfere , when prisoners who were not too weak or too sick attacked SS guards that had been rounded up and herded into the roll - call yard . When the SS men were dead , one man who took part in the killings came towards me holding a shovel , shouting that I was a Nazi - lover . He would have struck me , but another prisoner came between us . He held up his hand and said , pointing to me , " This man has done nothing against any of us . He did what he had to do to survive . You were not here at the time , but , at great risk to himself , he brought bread to us . He was found out and told that he would be executed if he did it again . What would you have done differently , my friend ? " The man dropped the shovel , buried his face in his hands and cried . I think he was crying because at last the horror was over and once again he could live as a human being and not as a feral animal . We could not leave the camp because the war was still raging all around us . The Americans were fighting their way to Berlin . My mother was in Berlin and I wanted to see her again so badly . We could not leave , but we were fed three meals a day , and the Americans brought in medical personnel to treat the sick . Half the camp was down with typhus . The war ended about two weeks later when Admiral Dönitz unconditionally surrendered . Hitler had appointed him head of state in his will . We were free to leave the camp , but before we could go , we had to queue up and get a card stating that we were ex - prisoners . This was done because many SS men had discarded their uniforms and were claiming to be either civilians or ex - soldiers of the Wehrmacht . There was no train service because the tracks had all been bombed . So I started walking to Berlin . It was a three - hundred - and - fifty - mile walk . Along the way , I saw what the war - or more to the point - what Hitler had done to our country . There was devastation of one sort or another in all the cities . The countryside for the most part looked untouched . But wherever I went , people were hungry . And so was I . I stole vegetables from some farms and received handouts from others . There was no food to be had in the towns or the cities , at least not for me . I was stopped numerous times by allied soldiers . Even though I had the card stating I was an ex - prisoner , I was asked on more than one occasion to remove my coat and shirt and raise my arms . The soldiers were looking for the tattoo of the SS . All SS men had the symbol tattooed on the inside of their biceps . Some soldiers let me pass without checking for the tattoo because of my thin frame . It was obvious that I had not been eating very well or very much for a long while . All members of the SS were well fed . It took me eighteen days to reach the outskirts of Berlin . I thought I had seen devastation on my journey , but I was not prepared for what I beheld as I walked the streets of Berlin . The city had been thoroughly destroyed . There was not a building left intact , and the people were walking around in a state of shock . I went right to my former home to find only a crater and half of a wall standing where my house should have been . My mother was nowhere to be seen . I prayed that she had not been in the building when the bomb struck . I spent the rest of the day walking the streets looking for my mother before I had to stop because of darkness . I found a cellar that was unoccupied . Even though the floor was rough and hard , I slept through the night . I was awakened by an excited clamor up in the street . It was the sound of many people talking all at once . I brushed the dust off my clothes and went to see what was happening . There was a line of people waiting to be fed . At the front of the line were American soldiers ladling out what looked to be soup . I hurriedly got to the end of the line and asked the man in front of me what was going on . " Isn 't it obvious ? The Americans are feeding us so that we don 't devolve into cannibalism , " he said with a slight grin on his face . He went on to tell me that twice a day , at various locations , they dished out just enough food to keep a person alive . Then he looked at my empty hands and added , ' Unless you are going to carry your soup in those , I would recommend you find a bowl somewhere . " By then there were about twenty people behind me and I hated to give up my place , but he was right , so I left the line . I had to go only a block . In a destroyed building , on the ground floor , I saw an exposed kitchen . I moved bricks around until I unearthed a pie tin . Next , I looked for a spoon . I was throwing bricks aside as fast as I could . I was in a panic that the soup would run out before I could get back . Then I found what I was looking for . There was only one problem . The spoon was attached to a woman 's hand - a dead woman 's hand . It was all that I could see . The rest of her body was buried under a pile of bricks . I had seen many a dead body over the last five years , so one more did not shock me . And I am ashamed to say it , but I took the spoon from her cold , dead hand and hurried back to the food line without giving her another thought . As I said , hunger is a terrible thing and a man will do terrible things to alleviate the pain . That was my life for the next month . I would line up twice a day for something to eat , usually soup . When I wasn 't in line , I would search for my mother . At night , I slept in an air raid shelter with two hundred other displaced Berliners . The occupiers had converted all the shelters into sleeping quarters . Unless you were extremely sick , you were not allowed to be there during the day . On all the light posts were notices put up by people looking for lost family members . I borrowed a pencil from a nice woman and found some paper that I tore into four pieces . I wrote my name , my mother 's name , and a short message on each piece , saying that she should meet me at the house where we used to live . I then placed one of them on the wall left standing at our old house and the other three on different light posts around the city . For as long as I was in Berlin , I went every day to where our house had stood , even long after my plaintive notices had blown away . It wasn 't long before the Americans told us that all able - bodied people would have to work if they wanted to eat . I was given a wheelbarrow and told to collect bricks and deposit them in neat stacks at a certain location . I wasn 't the only one doing so . Men and women all over Berlin were doing the same thing . I think the work that the Americans had us do was as much about keeping us occupied as it was about cleaning up Berlin . But there was no shortage of bricks , and I kept busy in that fashion for the next five months . At the end of each day , I was given a piece of paper that allowed me to get in the workers ' line for food ; a little more food was doled out there than at the other food lines . After six months in Berlin , I had given up hope of ever finding my mother . If she were alive , she would have been at our old house waiting for me long before I even got back to the city . It was time to get on with my life . I was a baker , not a brick picker - upper . And as things were , there was no need of my services in Berlin , nor would there be for the foreseeable future . By the time I came to that decision , some of the railroad tracks had been repaired , and there was limited train service , but only for commercial reasons . I hid in an open car that was carrying coal and heading northwest . The train stopped in Cuxhaven , a small seaport town on the North Sea . On the spur of the moment , I decided I would try to get to another country . Germany had been destroyed and , without my mother , there was nothing to keep me there . But first , I would need some money . I had been working on the docks for a little over six months when I decided that I wanted to go to America . But I did not have enough saved for my passage . I worked hard and I got to know a few of the captains that frequented the port . One captain in particular , Captain Hans Becker . One day he invited me to come to his cabin when the loading of his ship was completed . " Come and have a glass of schnapps with me when you are done , " he bellowed from the bridge . I took a sip of my schnapps and thought for a moment before answering . " I cook for myself every night . I do not waste money eating out . I am saving for my passage to America . " " I don 't see why not . I am able - bodied and can support myself . It is a big country . I am sure they can use one more baker . " Hans poured me another glass of schnapps and said , " I am sailing for America in two days , and I need a cook . If you agree not to poison my crew with your cooking , you can sign on . We will be in America for two weeks before returning . It will give you a chance to see if you like the country , and you will be earning the whole way there and back with no expenses for lodging or food . You will be able to put more away than if you stayed here . " It was a fast crossing . We pulled into New York Harbor just seven days after leaving Cuxhaven . The customs people came on board before we had even finished tying our lines to the dock . They checked Hans ' paperwork and when they saw that he was carrying industrial parts from the IG Farben Company as part of the war reparations , we were quickly documented and told to enjoy ourselves while in the city of New York . IG Farben was the company that made the poison gas used in the death camps . At first I had trouble adjusting to the tall buildings . I had never seen anything like them before , except in the moving pictures that came from America prior to the war . I soon began to love the city . Whenever I had the time , I would walk the streets and observe the people . They were all so intent with their lives . Rushing to wherever it was they were going . I wondered if they knew how lucky they were that the war had not affected America as it had Germany . One day while walking in a part of the city that I later learned was known as Little Germany , I happened upon a bakery . The smells coming from inside reminded me of Herr Hoffman 's shop . I went in not knowing how I was going to make myself understood . At the time , I still spoke no English . However , I need not have worried . The shop was empty but for a man behind the counter who asked me , in German , what I would like . I told him I was just over from the Fatherland and it was good to hear my native tongue spoken in America . When he heard that I had been in Germany just a week earlier , he asked me to sit down at a little table by the window and excused himself . He was back in less than a minute with two cups of coffee and a plate of cinnamon cookies . He had seen newsreels and read the papers . He wanted to know all about how things were back home . He asked if it was true that Germany had been totally destroyed . I told him what I had seen from one end of the country to the other , especially what had been done to Berlin . He sat there and listened without interruption and without touching his coffee . As soon as I had finished speaking , he took my cup , went behind the counter and refilled it . When he sat down again , he asked about me personally . Was I immigrating to America ? What had I done during the war , and a thousand other questions . We talked the afternoon away . By the time I realized that I would be late getting back to the ship , I had learned that he was a Jew and had left Germany two years after Hitler came to power . He had seen the handwriting on the wall . And I told him that , like him , I was a baker . He said he had things he wanted to talk to me about , but I didn 't have the time right then , so I agreed to come back to his shop the following day . The baker 's name was Herman Klein . He would turn out to be the best friend I would ever have . I arrived early the next day , and the shop was busy . There were at least fifteen people in line and Herr Klein could not serve them fast enough . When I saw one lady get frustrated at the wait and walk out , I joined Herr Klein behind the counter and helped him serve his customers . At last , the shop was empty . Herr Klein poured two cups of coffee , and we resumed our seats by the window . After blowing on his coffee to cool it a bit , he said to me , " If you would like to stay here in America , I think I can fix it for you . I can vouch for you and tell the authorities that you have a job with me so that you will not be a burden on the people of this great country . And when they find out that you were in one of the camps , they are bound to let you stay . " " My wife died before I left Germany , and I have no children . I 'm over - working myself and I could use some help , but good bakers are hard to come by . If you come in with me and we get along , I will give you a 25 % partnership in my business after six months . " When it was my turn to talk , I could think of nothing to say . I desperately wanted to take him up on his offer , but I had a commitment to Hans . I told Herman that I would have to discuss the matter with my captain , but whatever the outcome , I wanted him to know that I was deeply moved by the proposition . That night , Hans only laughed when I told him that I did not think I could stay in America because it would leave him without a cook . " Listen , my friend . You would be a fool not to take Herr Klein 's offer . The crossing is seven days ; I think we can manage that long without a cook . The men can take turns doing the honors . It might be interesting to see what they come up with . " That is how I ended up in America . I was allowed to stay because I had money , a job , and a sponsor . Herman was right - having been a prisoner did help my case . When I showed the man who was interviewing me the card stating that I had been at Dachau , I saw something in his eyes , something sad . Herman taught me English and when I was proficient enough , I took the citizenship classes to learn about this wonderful country and its history . Six months to the day after I started working for him , Herman gave me a 25 % interest in the bakery . It was official ; his lawyer had drawn up the papers . I became a proud citizen of the United States on 9 February 1947 . I was forty - nine years old . Herman and I worked together for ten years . He was nineteen years older than I and in the fall of 1957 when he was seventy - eight , Herman announced that he could take the cold no longer and was retiring to Florida . He sold me his interest in the shop , but no cash changed hands . Our agreement was that I would send him a check every month to cover his expenses with a little left over . If I sold the shop , then I would send him his percentage of the proceeds . This time there was no lawyer involved . It was a handshake deal . Two years later , Herman died in his sleep . . . two days after his eightieth birthday . I was listed as his next - of - kin and was duly notified of his passing . I closed the shop for a few days and flew to Florida to bury my friend under the warm Florida sun . I was sixty - one - years - old . I ran the shop until I was eighty - five . Of course , I had help . I trained a young man to be a master baker and ended up selling him the shop with no money down . He sent me a check every month for ten years . I told you the story of my life so that anyone who hears these words will understand that I know whereof I speak . I lived through two of the worst periods in human history . And they took place only twenty years apart . The first , of course , being what was then known as the Great War . I saw the carnage first hand . In that war , nine million men were slain . The second occurrence of man 's inhumanity to man was the second great war . Sixty million men , women , and children died in that war , including the eleven million human beings that perished in the concentration camps . To my point : All that suffering and all those deaths came about because of fear . I was young at the time , but I remember the election of 1912 . The left - wing Social Democratic Party made huge gains in that election . The right - wing Prussians feared a loss of power and started agitating for war to distract the populace . Terms like " nationalism " and " territorial rights " were used . We Germans began to fear that there was not enough land . We felt that we had to take land from others so that we would have enough for ourselves . It is ironic , or maybe not , but that is the same argument Hitler used when he had his army march into Czechoslovakia . He wanted land for the German people . All wars are fought because of fear . Hitler did not hate the Jews , he feared them . He feared the left - wingers , and he feared anyone that was not just like him . Unfortunately , there were too many people in Germany at that time that had the same fears . That is how concentration camps come about . Concentrate those who are different from you behind fences of barbed wire . In Germany , we gave up our civil liberties through the Enabling Act because of fear . The Reichstag had just been torched , and we were all fearful . Fearful of what , we were not quite sure . We were definitely afraid of the Jews , but our other fears were not so self - evident . We believed our leaders knew best , so we allowed them to take our freedoms in the hope that they would protect us . And once you give up your rights to a government - any government - it is very hard to get them back . Here in America , this beautiful adopted land of mine , we gave up our civil liberties after 9 / 11 through the Patriot Act , another act that was born of fear . Like the Enabling Act , it was supposed to lapse after four years . And like the Enabling Act , it is not going anywhere . In Germany , it was the Jews . Now many of us here fear Muslims . I am not saying that America is on the verge of another Hitler . What I am saying - and this is from an old man on his way out who has seen it all and lived it all - what I am saying is this : Come from a place of love , not fear . I am one hundred and three years old as I speak these words , and I can still get around . I walked to a pawnshop not far from where I live and bought this recorder . It is a cassette recorder . The man in the store told me they were obsolete , so he gave me a good price . I bought it to say just one thing . I have to say it now because tomorrow I will be either in heaven or in hell , I do not know which , but wherever I am , you will not be able to hear my words . So I speak them into this microphone to be placed on a tape , and I pray that someone , someday , somewhere will hear them . Not only hear my words , but also heed them . This is what I spent the better part of an hour getting to : There is only love and fear . That is all . All negative emotions come from fear ; jealousy , hatred , greed , just to name a few . Fear of not having enough , fear of not being loved enough , fear of someone that is different from us , fear of someone who worships a different God than we do . There is only fear and love . I tell you : Live your life with love . The kind of love a mother has for her child . The kind of love that a man has who jumps in front a bullet to save his friend ; love like Mother Teresa had for the poor of this world , the love that Jesus had when he laid down his life . by Andrew JoyceMay 21 , 2017 Eleven - year - old Aoibha Walsh with her first book . She is one hell of a writer and will only get better with age - like a fine wine . We are all very proud of her Michael and I grew up together . We went through grade school together . Then on to high school , where together we stayed . Neither of us wanted to pursue a " higher " education , so we decided to travel to broaden ourselves , as the terminology was in those days . At that time , we thought good would always win out over evil . But we were yet to be taught our lessons of the real world . Evil does sometimes triumph over good . Michael James was six feet tall . He had straight blonde hair and blue eyes . The bluest eyes I ever did see . If limpid means clear as I think it does , then Michael 's eyes were limpid pools of blue . The color was that of the sky , perhaps a little lighter with flecks of yellow throughout the irises . Upon meeting Michael for the first time one was taken aback by his eyes . They did not bore into your soul - they lit up your life . Then there was his smile . I had known Michael for many years and I don 't think I ever saw him without that shit - eatin ' grin on his puss . And that grin , and its persistence , was amazing , given the fact that Michael suffered from a skin problem . He had large red patches on his skin , including his face . They came and went . I thought the name of the disease was psoriasis , but of that I am not certain . Michael had no mother . She died when he was quite young . . . before I knew him . He had no siblings ; he was reared by his father , which is probably the reason I am alive today . By that , I mean he was raised to be a man . He was taught " The Code " of real men , which is : You do what you have to do . Though we both had the travel bug , my case was more pronounced than his . During the summer between our junior and senior years of high school , I took off and bounced around the country while Michael held down the fort , so to speak . When I returned to finish my last year of school ( at that time I still bought into the myth that you needed at least a high school education to survive in the world ) , I regaled Michael with tales of my adventures . Well , after hearing what a wonderful world awaited us out there , Michael could not wait to hit the road . He wanted to leave immediately , but seeing as how I had just come in from a three - month run , I prevailed upon him to wait a few months and allow me to at least try to get my diploma . He said he would wait , but he did not , or he could not . Within six weeks of my return , Michael was on the road . Michael was hip , and the only place for a hip guy to migrate in 1968 was San Francisco . And that was the end of Michael 's roaming . He fell in love with the city . I endured my senior year as long as I could , but two weeks short of graduation I said , " The hell with it ! " , stuck out my thumb and headed for San Francisco to rendezvous with my friend . This will tell you something about my friend Michael : He always had a place to live out there , and never paid rent . People were always asking him home , and once there , he just moved in . They were always glad to have him . And when I would hit town , he 'd take me to wherever he was living and tell me to make myself at home . The person who actually owned the domicile never looked askance when he brought me through the door , they all loved Michael , and any friend of Michael 's . . . For the most part , Michael stayed in San Francisco . I , however , could not stay in one town for more than a few days . I was like a pinball , rebounding from coast to coast , and from Canada to Mexico . While on the road I was alive . When on the road , I interacted with humanity and had to live by my wits . I loved being on the road . Because of Michael 's reluctance to leave San Francisco , I had two homes , one on each coast . My mother 's in Miami , and wherever the hell Michael was staying at the moment in San Francisco . On one of my forays to San Francisco , I was introduced to Linda , the love of Michael 's life - his soul mate . They had met at a Clint Eastwood marathon . A movie house was playing the three Sergio Leone films . You know , A Fist Full of Dollars , For a Few Dollars More , and The Good , the Bad , and the Ugly … non - stop , twenty - four hours a day . Michael had a bag of Red Acid , and in 1969 , what girl wouldn 't swoon toward a man who was into Clint Eastwood and had a bag of LSD ? It was love at first sight . Now that Michael had himself a woman , he got his own digs . Every time I hit town they were living in a new place . It wasn 't always easy to find them , but somehow we would always meet up on Haight Street . I stayed with them on Geary in the Tenderloin . We stayed south of Market in the low rent district , we stayed across from Golden Gate Park , and at the end , we were again in the Haight - Asbury district . One thing I must tell you about Michael so you can get a sense of the man . And yes , he was a man ; though we were the same age , he was a man , while I was just a kid . I think Michael knew he did not have much time in this world . He could not wait for anything . Back then , we were doing acid all the time . Normally , you would swallow a pill and wait for it to take effect . But not Michael . The twenty minutes or so that it took was just too long for him . He had to shoot the acid into his vein to get off instantaneously . Of course Linda and I would have to follow suit or there would be no peace . And in those days , I just did not have it in me to stick myself with a needle . Michael did the honors . The last time I came into San Francisco and saw Michael and Linda was in 1970 , it was July . They were living in the Haight . It was a crummy neighborhood ; the Summer of Love was three years gone by then . All the shops on Haight Street were boarded up with sheets of plywood , and the denizens of the street were the leftovers from that long ago summer . True to form , it was not Michael 's apartment he took me to ; he and Linda were living with a guy named Bobby . Bobby was a likable enough fellow . He just didn 't know bad men when he met them . Bobby had set up a " drug " deal to buy two pounds of marijuana . Nowadays it seems ridiculous to term buying two pounds of pot a drug deal , but in those days , that was heavy shit . It was my first night in town and we were sitting in Bobby 's pad smoking a joint when Michael told me he was going to be a father . I looked over at Linda , she was radiant , and she was also blushing . I was just about to say something appropriate when the door crashed open , and two guys burst through the entrance . They were the assholes that Bobby was supposed to buy the pot from . Only one of them had a gun , but that was enough for us . When told to lie on the floor , we did so without protest . They then said to Bobby , " Where 's the cash ? " Bobby answered , " In my pocket . " The guy covering us with the gun told the other guy to get the money . Bobby , trying to be helpful , reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a wad of cash . Then it seemed like a lot of money , but now , as I look back on that night , it couldn 't have been more than $ 500 . 00 . Before I could think of anything to do , Michael bounded to his feet and rushed the guy with the gun . When I saw Michael go into action , it released me from my paralysis , but not soon enough to help Michael . He took a bullet to the chest . While Michael was being shot , I picked up a lamp from a table and smashed it over the gunman 's head while his partner stood frozen in place . The man with the gun went down hard and the gun fell from his hand . All this went down fast ; in a blur , I did not have time to think . I picked up the gun from the floor while the other guy still stood frozen . Obviously they were not professionals , though , at the moment , that did not enter into my thinking . I aimed the gun at the one standing and shot him dead with two shots . Then I turned to the one on the floor . He was moving and about to get up when I put a bullet into his head . By the time the second one fell to the floor , Linda was bent over Michael . I dropped the gun and went to them . He looked at her and smiled , then he looked at me and said , " Get her out of here . " We both , Linda and I , said at the same time , " No ! " Then Michael died . It took me a full minute , which at the time felt like an eternity , to make a decision . I grabbed Linda by the arms and pulled her into a standing position . She was numb . I told her we had to get out of there ; that this was a drug deal gone bad , and there were dead bodies - four of them ! I told her prison was no place to have a baby , and Michael knew that . That is why he wanted her out of there . I told Linda to collect everything of hers and Michael 's that could identify them . I had the presence of mind to wipe the gun clean , but not to pick up the cash lying on the floor . Linda could have used it ; she had a baby on the way . I took Michael 's wallet . He had never been arrested so I knew they couldn 't identify him by his fingerprints . After I had Michael 's wallet , and while Linda went about collecting her things , I took the time to vomit all over Bobby 's carpet . It was , after all , the first time I had killed . We left Michael and never looked back . Though it wasn 't actually Michael we left , only the body that housed that wonderful , brave man . Linda 's folks lived in New Jersey , so I hitchhiked with her to the east coast . She was in a state of shock , and because Michael 's last words , though not implicit , were to look after her , that is what I did . After getting her to her parents , I stayed in the northeast for the next seven months . I kept moving , but would drop in to see her every few weeks . Seven months later , when the baby was born , I was there . I was there for my friend Michael . It was a boy and I was asked to be his godfather . by Andrew JoyceMay 7 , 2017 You guys are sensational . You looked over my first chapter and made astute observations and suggestions . Some , I have already incorporated into the manuscript - others , I 'm giving serious consideration to . I had not intended to post any more of the novel , but then I woke up this morning , I thought , Why the hell not ? Getting input from as many people as possible before publication can only make my humble offering better . And don 't worry . At the rate I 'm writing , after the first five chapters , you 'll be let off the hook indefinitely . I 'm not working that hard . I 'm too busy out smelling the roses , so to speak . And if I smell many more roses , my liver is going to explode . By the way , the horrors you are about to encounter are real . Maybe the reason the book is going so slow is not my drinking . Maybe it 's my research . For every ten minutes of writing I do , I spend twenty minutes in research . I 'm not saying that is a good thing . Perhaps it 's my way of avoiding that dreaded blank page . An ancient road it was . The Roman Christians had used it in the fifth century to spread the Word and baptize an entire nation . Then it was the Danes , or Vikings as they were known , who had come to conquer the isle late in the eighth century , deepening the wheel ruts laid down by the monks . By the time the Normans arrived in the twelfth century , it was a well - worn track that led from Cork to the Western shore . Along its length , the Danes built their castles . In the sixteenth century , Henry the Eighth 's soldiers used the road in their subjugation of an unruly people . Three hundred years later , Devin Mahoney , in solitary desolation , followed the wheel - rutted lane to an uncertain future . With a pale dawn approaching , Devin made his way east into the face of the rising sun . It was an exceptionally clear day - not a cloud in the sky . He saw no children playing on the side of the road as in years past . Occasionally he would pass a work gang , but for the most part he had the road to himself . As he approached the town of Coom , he came across the body of a dead man right there on the side of the road . There was little doubt that he had died from starvation . The body was barely more than a skeleton . It was not the first dead person Devin had seen . Over that last fifteen months , he had seen many . Devin wore no hat to doff as he passed by , but he did nod in that direction as a sign of respect . He made it as far as the outskirts of Glenflesk before deciding to stop for the night . He went into the woods off to his right while the last rays of the setting sun reflected off the somber grey clouds in the west , turning them a soft pink around the edges . He found a small clearing after a few steps . This will do , he thought . The road followed the River Lee , so water was easily accessible . He had not stopped during the day to eat , for his strategy was to make what he carried in the sack last as long as possible . Besides , he was used to going without food . Nevertheless , he now eagerly anticipated a bowl of bland cornmeal or perhaps a little oatmeal . He put the sack down and collected what dead branches he could find in the vicinity . After clearing a space for his fire , he snapped the thin wood into foot - long lengths and laid them on a small pile of dead leaves . Next , he reached into the sack for the matches . While rummaging around , he also brought out the small kettle and the larger of the two bags of food , figuring it to be the cornmeal . Once the fire was going , Devin went to the river and drew a kettle half - full with water . On the way back to his camp , the thought suddenly struck him that Missus Meehan had made no mention of a spoon . How was he to eat his stirabout ? He need not have worried . Missus Meehan was a good woman , indeed she was . There was a large , wooden - handled spoon at the bottom of the sack . Devin 's eyes were fixated on the dancing flames of the fire . They were mesmerizing . His body was warm , wrapped in the fine overcoat ; his thoughts wandered . Little doubts silently crept into his contemplations . It was a long way to America . Did he really want to leave The Auld Sod ? But if he stayed , what hope would there be for him ? Half the country was slowly starving to death . His thinking was abruptly interrupted by a thrashing noise behind him . Quickly he turned his head , but he could see nothing . He was blinded - he had been looking into the fire . In fear , he cried out , " Who goes there ? " When his eyes had adjusted to the darkness , he saw a man standing a few feet away , wearing a smile , his hat in hand . Devin relaxed . " Come in , Tom McNevin . Come and sit by the fire . " McNevin squatted opposite his host and held his hands over the fire to warm them . The firelight reflected off his gaunt face , showing him to be about forty . His hair and beard were dark , but starting to turn a little grey . His eyes were laughing eyes - merry eyes . His clothes were little more than rags and he sported no overcoat - he wore no shoes . He looked across the fire at Devin and saw a young man with a sparse brown beard and stormy blue eyes . He was a good - looking lad and his welcoming smile made Tom McNevin feel right at home . Devin handed the stick holding the kettle to McNevin . " Here , take this . Keep it over the top of the flames . I 'll do the stirring and soon we 'll be eating like kings , we 'll be . " " Like many of our countrymen , it 's been a little while since a bit of food has passed these lips . A day or two days , ' tis all the same . Since the blight came upon us , one day seems like all the others . I don 't count time by days anymore or even hours . Time is the distance from one meal till the next . " They took turns eating and when the pot was empty , McNevin insisted that it would be he that took it to the river and cleaned it . While he was at his task , Devin searched out more firewood . It was a cold night and they would have to keep the fire going . Devin would be warm enough in his heavy coat , but McNevin would need the warmth of a fire so as not to shiver throughout the night . With things taken care of , the two men sat down next to the fire , one on each side , and looked into its flames . They were grateful to have eaten this evening . Their stomachs were full . Tomorrow would bring what tomorrow would bring . But for the moment , they were two contented Irishmen . " I 've been to Dublin . I 'm going back to Kinsale , but there 's little of any worth there for me , no more . These days there is very little for me - and people like me - anywhere in all of Blessed Ireland . " " When I left Dublin , I thought I 'd roam a ways to the west and see if there was any work for an able - bodied man . I 've been all the way over to Glenbeigh . There is no work - and very little food that I 've come across in my travels . " " I 'll tell you true , Tom McNevin , there is very little for us poor folks here in Ireland . The land of St . Patrick , fairies , and the little people . The land of ruins . Of standing stones that have stood since the beginning of time . The land where my ancestors vanquished the Danes and ruled all this land hereabouts . I tell you true , Tom McNevin . " Devin threw on a few sticks to build it up . " Tell me , Tom . What is it like in a big city like Dublin ? Are there hungry people there too ? " " If you are not ready for sleep , I 'll tell you what I 've seen from Kinsale to Cork to Dublin and back . Me thinks that somehow we Irish have angered the gods . What misery I 've seen . But I have also seen acts of boundless Christian kindness . Devin laughed . " The coat was given to me by a kind woman . Underneath , I am dressed much as you are . " He then told his story and ended it with , " I 'll be going to America now . When I return , I 'll live in as fine a manor house as you have ever seen and have a coach - and - four to draw me to and fro as befits a man of my standing . No longer will I be walking from town to town . " McNevin warmed his hands over the fire . " I 'm sorry about your family . Me , I never had much of a family . My mother died giving bringing me into the world and , for one reason or another , I never married . Perhaps it was for the best . I don 't know how I 'd survive having my whole family wiped out in a trace . " McNevin leaned back as the fire flared up . " I 'll get to telling you , to be sure . I am a seanchaí of renown . An Irish teller of tales am I . You make yourself comfortable and I 'll pay for my supper this night with a tale that you will remember and pass down to your grandchildren as they sit upon your knee in that fine manor house that you will one day be building . " " I had six acres that I planted every year for twenty years . The crop fed me with enough left over to sell at market and keep me steeped in whiskey for a few weeks after harvest . My rent was always paid . But then the blight struck . The leaves withered , the stems rotted , and my beautiful praties were covered with dark and black patches . It all happened very quickly . " Without a crop , my rent I could not pay . The owner 's middleman badgered me daily and told me I 'd be thrown out onto the road unless I came through . This after twenty years on the same plot of land . I had always paid my rent , but would the landlord give an understanding to the blight and what it has done to this country ? No , he would not . He wanted only his money and his tenant of twenty years be damned ! I told the middleman that you cannot get blood from a turnip . " As a result of the agent 's badgering , I took myself off and joined one of those work gangs that the government had set up . We went out at dawn each day to dig holes . There was no reason to dig those holes , but if we wanted to be paid , we 'd have to dig them damn holes . The next day we would go out and fill in those very same holes . Sometimes we would build stone walls that enclosed nothing or made an existing wall higher by two feet or more . All for no rhyme or reason , only to keep us busy . " At least we were fed twice a day . Once at ten and then again at four . But it was very poor gruel they gave us , it was . And you had to work the full ten hours to be given even that . " At the end of the week , I would turn my pay over to the middleman to keep a hold on my farm . But he always told me I still owed . Finally , I had had enough . I was working ten hours a day , six days a week for two miserly meals a day . And after all that work , I still went hungry on Sundays ! " The summer of last year I gave up my farm and left Kinsale . I thought I could find work in Cork , loading boats . It was on my first day out that I saw my first horror . I came across a woman walking my way , holding a bundle in her arms . Like me , she was dressed in rags , and like me , she was thin , her face drawn . I could tell by her looks that she had not eaten in many a day . But unlike me , she had a look about her that I cannot describe . " When we came abreast of one another , I stopped and asked , ' Are y ' alright ? ' She looked at me with a blank stare and says she , ' I do be alright , but my baby is hungry . Can you spare a morsel of food for the wee little one ? ' " I had a biscuit in me pocket that I was holding for dinner . How I could I say no to her plea even if I had wanted to ? I withdrew the biscuit and held it out to her . She says , ' You give it to him . ' She unwound the swaddling to reveal her child . It was horrible , it was . The infant was dead , and from the look of it , had been so for some time . I looked at the woman smiling down at the lifeless baby boy as though he was alive . She had lost her mind either from hunger or grief - or both . " " I did the only thing I could do . I pressed the biscuit into her hand , saying , ' You feed him and have some for yourself . ' She did not try to feed her baby and she did not raise the biscuit to her mouth . So , the only other thing I could say was , ' Mind yourself , mother . ' She thanked me and resumed her slow wanderings . I stood in the middle of the road watching until she was out of sight . " " Aye . Corpses lay thick upon the roadside these days . I 've seen a few myself . A month back , I stepped into a burying ground to avail myself of a little shade from the beech trees lining its walks . There was a funeral taking place and I decided to linger until the service was over . After the mourners had left , the burying men held the coffin over the dug grave . One of them pulled a string and a spring mechanism popped open the bottom and the body wrapped in old potato sacks fell six feet to its final resting place . I asked about it . ' We have run out of wood for making coffins - there are just too many dead , ' informed one of the men . ' Undertakers all over Ireland are doing the same , ' said another . " McNevin leaned toward the fire - his face a ghostly yellow from the reflecting flames - and said , " ' Tis a little better than the country , but not by much . There is no work to be had in either place . People from the country have crowded the streets looking for work and the police do not like it . But they arrest no one because then they 'd have to feed them . What they do is give beatings in an effort to drive them back to the country . I 've been on the receiving end of a few beatings myself . " " Then glad I am to be going to America , " sighed Devin . " What else have you seen ? I want to know so that I can tell the people of America the true story of what is happening here . They are a rich people , and a kind people . They would send relief if they only knew . " McNevin threw a few more sticks onto the fire . When they had caught , and the flames danced about in the slight wind that was coming down from the north , he said , " ' Tis to be a cold night this night . I am grateful for the warmth of your fire , and I will tell you of more things that I have seen . I cannot understand how we have fallen so low . " " From Dublin , I walked west to Galway . ' Tis on the coast that I saw what cruelty really is . There were two women collecting seaweed and putting it into baskets . Having nothing better to occupy my time , I approached them with an Irish greeting , ' Dia dhuit . ' " They were both older than I , grey - headed , and dressed in rags . One of ' em had a ratty old red shawl about her shoulders . The other one 's dress was in such tatters that it was cut off above the knees . Both their dresses were heavily patched and neither of the women wore shoes . " They continued with their work , picking up the seaweed below the high water mark , as we walked along the beach . ' There be plenty of what you 're after just a few feet away , above the high water line , ' says I . ' Why do you scavenge for the scraps when the bounty is within reach ? ' ' We dare not , ' said the one with the red shawl . ' ' Tis the landlord 's property above that line . ' " When they caught up to us , two of them pulled the baskets out of the women 's hands . There was a sergeant and two privates . The sergeant said , ' I arrest you for thievery . You three are to come along with us . And come peaceably if you know what is good for you . ' " I was shocked at the turn of events . Not so much that I was being arrested , but by the fact that it was against the law to collect seaweed . Since when ? " McNevin answered the shrug . " I 'll tell you since when . Since those damn English came here with Henry II hundreds of years ago . Those damn English think they own the whole damn island and all of us too ! But enough of that . Back to my story . " " Apparently it was . The constable 's rejoinder was short and to the point . ' One of the landlord 's drivers saw you and reported you . There is nothing that we can do here . You must face a judge in a court of law . But why were you collecting seaweed ? You do not look like you have a crop that needs fertilizing . ' " ' We was gathering it to eat , ' said the woman with the torn dress . At that point , I spoke up . ' I was not stealing seaweed . I was merely walking along with these two grand ladies , enjoying the smell of the ocean air and their good company . You do not see a basket in my hands . ' " I wished the women well and continued down the beach until I came to a path that led back to the road . I 'll tell you true . There have been times since then that I wished I had allowed myself to be arrested . At least I would have been fed twice a day while in jail . " " Sure . You are my seanchaí . As we walk , you 'll be telling me tales of things you 've seen in this last year and I 'll be sharing my food with y ' . " " Thank you , Tom . There 's enough wood to sustain the fire throughout the night , but I 'll have to depend on you to keep it going . According to my brothers , I 'm not very good at that sort of thing . "

Ivar was sitting at a cobbler 's bench in the barn , mending harness by the light of a lantern and repeating to himself the 101st Psalm . It was only five o ' clock of a mid - October day , but a storm had come up in the afternoon , bringing black clouds , a cold wind and torrents of rain . The old man wore his buffalo - skin coat , and occasionally stopped to warm his fingers at the lantern . Suddenly a woman burst into the shed , as if she had been blown in , accompanied by a shower of rain - drops . It was Signa , wrapped in a man 's overcoat and wearing a pair of boots over her shoes . In time of trouble Signa had come back to stay with her mistress , for she was the only one of the maids from whom Alexandra would accept much personal service . It was three months now since the news of the terrible thing that had happened in Frank Shabata 's orchard had first run like a fire over the Divide . Signa and Nelse were staying on with Alexandra until winter . " Yes . She went away about three o ' clock . I happened to look out of the window and saw her going across the fields in her thin dress and sun - hat . And now this storm has come on . I thought she was going to Mrs . Hiller 's , and I telephoned as soon as the thunder stopped , but she had not been there . I 'm afraid she is out somewhere and will get her death of cold . " Ivar put on his cap and took up the lantern . " JA , JA , we will see . I will hitch the boy 's mare to the cart and go . " Signa followed him across the wagon - shed to the horses ' stable . She was shivering with cold and excitement . " Where do you suppose she can be , Ivar ? " " But you think she is at the graveyard , don 't you ? " Signa persisted . " So do I . Oh , I wish she would be more like herself ! I can 't believe it 's Alexandra Bergson come to this , with no head about anything . I have to tell her when to eat and when to go to bed . " " Patience , patience , sister , " muttered Ivar as he settled the bit in the horse 's mouth . " When the eyes of the flesh are shut , the eyes of the spirit are open . She will have a message from those who are gone , and that will bring her peace . Until then we must bear with her . You and I are the only ones who have weight with her . She trusts us . " " How awful it 's been these last three months . " Signa held the lantern so that he could see to buckle the straps . " It don 't seem right that we must all be so miserable . Why do we all have to be punished ? Seems to me like good times would never come again . " " Ivar , " Signa asked suddenly , " will you tell me why you go barefoot ? All the time I lived here in the house I wanted to ask you . Is it for a penance , or what ? " " No , sister . It is for the indulgence of the body . From my youth up I have had a strong , rebellious body , and have been subject to every kind of temptation . Even in age my temptations are prolonged . It was necessary to make some allowances ; and the feet , as I understand it , are free members . There is no divine prohibition for them in the Ten Commandments . The hands , the tongue , the eyes , the heart , all the bodily desires we are commanded to subdue ; but the feet are free members . I indulge them without harm to any one , even to trampling in filth when my desires are low . They are quickly cleaned again . " Signa did not laugh . She looked thoughtful as she followed Ivar out to the wagon - shed and held the shafts up for him , while he backed in the mare and buckled the hold - backs . " You have been a good friend to the mistress , Ivar , " she murmured . As they emerged from the shed , a stream of water , running off the thatch , struck the mare on the neck . She tossed her head indignantly , then struck out bravely on the soft ground , slipping back again and again as she climbed the hill to the main road . Between the rain and the darkness Ivar could see very little , so he let Emil 's mare have the rein , keeping her head in the right direction . When the ground was level , he turned her out of the dirt road upon the sod , where she was able to trot without slipping . Before Ivar reached the graveyard , three miles from the house , the storm had spent itself , and the downpour had died into a soft , dripping rain . The sky and the land were a dark smoke color , and seemed to be coming together , like two waves . When Ivar stopped at the gate and swung out his lantern , a white figure rose from beside John Bergson 's white stone . Alexandra hurried to meet him and put her hand on his shoulder . " TYST ! Ivar . There 's nothing to be worried about . I 'm sorry if I 've scared you all . I didn 't notice the storm till it was on me , and I couldn 't walk against it . I 'm glad you 've come . I am so tired I didn 't know how I 'd ever get home . " Ivar swung the lantern up so that it shone in her face . " GUD ! You are enough to frighten us , mistress . You look like a drowned woman . How could you do such a thing ! " Alexandra smiled at his solicitude . " Not much use in that , Ivar . You will only shut the wet in . I don 't feel so cold now ; but I 'm heavy and numb . I 'm glad you came . " Alexandra spoke to the old man as they jogged along through the sullen gray twilight of the storm . " Ivar , I think it has done me good to get cold clear through like this , once . I don 't believe I shall suffer so much any more . When you get so near the dead , they seem more real than the living . Worldly thoughts leave one . Ever since Emil died , I 've suffered so when it rained . Now that I 've been out in it with him , I shan 't dread it . After you once get cold clear through , the feeling of the rain on you is sweet . It seems to bring back feelings you had when you were a baby . It carries you back into the dark , before you were born ; you can 't see things , but they come to you , somehow , and you know them and aren 't afraid of them . Maybe it 's like that with the dead . If they feel anything at all , it 's the old things , before they were born , that comfort people like the feeling of their own bed does when they are little . " When they got home , Signa had a fire burning in the sitting - room stove . She undressed Alexandra and gave her a hot footbath , while Ivar made ginger tea in the kitchen . When Alexandra was in bed , wrapped in hot blankets , Ivar came in with his tea and saw that she drank it . Signa asked permission to sleep on the slat lounge outside her door . Alexandra endured their attentions patiently , but she was glad when they put out the lamp and left her . As she lay alone in the dark , it occurred to her for the first time that perhaps she was actually tired of life . All the physical operations of life seemed difficult and painful . She longed to be free from her own body , which ached and was so heavy . And longing itself was heavy : she yearned to be free of that . As she lay with her eyes closed , she had again , more vividly than for many years , the old illusion of her girlhood , of being lifted and carried lightly by some one very strong . He was with her a long while this time , and carried her very far , and in his arms she felt free from pain . When he laid her down on her bed again , she opened her eyes , and , for the first time in her life , she saw him , saw him clearly , though the room was dark , and his face was covered . He was standing in the doorway of her room . His white cloak was thrown over his face , and his head was bent a little forward . His shoulders seemed as strong as the foundations of the world . His right arm , bared from the elbow , was dark and gleaming , like bronze , and she knew at once that it was the arm of the mightiest of all lovers . She knew at last for whom it was she had waited , and where he would carry her . That , she told herself , was very well . Then she went to sleep . Alexandra wakened in the morning with nothing worse than a hard cold and a stiff shoulder . She kept her bed for several days , and it was during that time that she formed a resolution to go to Lincoln to see Frank Shabata . Ever since she last saw him in the courtroom , Frank 's haggard face and wild eyes had haunted her . The trial had lasted only three days . Frank had given himself up to the police in Omaha and pleaded guilty of killing without malice and without premeditation . The gun was , of course , against him , and the judge had given him the full sentence , ―― ten years . He had now been in the State Penitentiary for a month . Frank was the only one , Alexandra told herself , for whom anything could be done . He had been less in the wrong than any of them , and he was paying the heaviest penalty . She often felt that she herself had been more to blame than poor Frank . From the time the Shabatas had first moved to the neighboring farm , she had omitted no opportunity of throwing Marie and Emil together . Because she knew Frank was surly about doing little things to help his wife , she was always sending Emil over to spade or plant or carpenter for Marie . She was glad to have Emil see as much as possible of an intelligent , city - bred girl like their neighbor ; she noticed that it improved his manners . She knew that Emil was fond of Marie , but it had never occurred to her that Emil 's feeling might be different from her own . She wondered at herself now , but she had never thought of danger in that direction . If Marie had been unmarried , ―― oh , yes ! Then she would have kept her eyes open . But the mere fact that she was Shabata 's wife , for Alexandra , settled everything . That she was beautiful , impulsive , barely two years older than Emil , these facts had had no weight with Alexandra . Emil was a good boy , and only bad boys ran after married women . Now , Alexandra could in a measure realize that Marie was , after all , Marie ; not merely a " married woman . " Sometimes , when Alexandra thought of her , it was with an aching tenderness . The moment she had reached them in the orchard that morning , everything was clear to her . There was something about those two lying in the grass , something in the way Marie had settled her cheek on Emil 's shoulder , that told her everything . She wondered then how they could have helped loving each other ; how she could have helped knowing that they must . Emil 's cold , frowning face , the girl 's content ―― Alexandra had felt awe of them , even in the first shock of her grief . The idleness of those days in bed , the relaxation of body which attended them , enabled Alexandra to think more calmly than she had done since Emil 's death . She and Frank , she told herself , were left out of that group of friends who had been overwhelmed by disaster . She must certainly see Frank Shabata . Even in the courtroom her heart had grieved for him . He was in a strange country , he had no kinsmen or friends , and in a moment he had ruined his life . Being what he was , she felt , Frank could not have acted otherwise . She could understand his behavior more easily than she could understand Marie 's . Yes , she must go to Lincoln to see Frank Shabata . The day after Emil 's funeral , Alexandra had written to Carl Linstrum ; a single page of notepaper , a bare statement of what had happened . She was not a woman who could write much about such a thing , and about her own feelings she could never write very freely . She knew that Carl was away from post - offices , prospecting somewhere in the interior . Before he started he had written her where he expected to go , but her ideas about Alaska were vague . As the weeks went by and she heard nothing from him , it seemed to Alexandra that her heart grew hard against Carl . She began to wonder whether she would not do better to finish her life alone . What was left of life seemed unimportant . Late in the afternoon of a brilliant October day , Alexandra Bergson , dressed in a black suit and traveling - hat , alighted at the Burlington depot in Lincoln . She drove to the Lindell Hotel , where she had stayed two years ago when she came up for Emil 's Commencement . In spite of her usual air of sureness and selfpossession , Alexandra felt ill at ease in hotels , and she was glad , when she went to the clerk 's desk to register , that there were not many people in the lobby . She had her supper early , wearing her hat and black jacket down to the dining - room and carrying her handbag . After supper she went out for a walk . It was growing dark when she reached the university campus . She did not go into the grounds , but walked slowly up and down the stone walk outside the long iron fence , looking through at the young men who were running from one building to another , at the lights shining from the armory and the library . A squad of cadets were going through their drill behind the armory , and the commands of their young officer rang out at regular intervals , so sharp and quick that Alexandra could not understand them . Two stalwart girls came down the library steps and out through one of the iron gates . As they passed her , Alexandra was pleased to hear them speaking Bohemian to each other . Every few moments a boy would come running down the flagged walk and dash out into the street as if he were rushing to announce some wonder to the world . Alexandra felt a great tenderness for them all . She wished one of them would stop and speak to her . She wished she could ask them whether they had known Emil . As she lingered by the south gate she actually did encounter one of the boys . He had on his drill cap and was swinging his books at the end of a long strap . It was dark by this time ; he did not see her and ran against her . He snatched off his cap and stood bareheaded and panting . " I 'm awfully sorry , " he said in a bright , clear voice , with a rising inflection , as if he expected her to say something . " No , thank you . That is ―― " Alexandra wanted to detain him . " That is , I would like to find some of my brother 's friends . He graduated two years ago . " " Then you 'd have to try the Seniors , wouldn 't you ? Let 's see ; I don 't know any of them yet , but there 'll be sure to be some of them around the library . That red building , right there , " he pointed . " Oh , that 's all right ! Good - night . " The lad clapped his cap on his head and ran straight down Eleventh Street . Alexandra looked after him wistfully . She walked back to her hotel unreasonably comforted . " What a nice voice that boy had , and how polite he was . I know Emil was always like that to women . " And again , after she had undressed and was standing in her nightgown , brushing her long , heavy hair by the electric light , she remembered him and said to herself , " I don 't think I ever heard a nicer voice than that boy had . I hope he will get on well here . Cherry County ; that 's where the hay is so fine , and the coyotes can scratch down to water . " At nine o ' clock the next morning Alexandra presented herself at the warden 's office in the State Penitentiary . The warden was a German , a ruddy , cheerful - looking man who had formerly been a harness - maker . Alexandra had a letter to him from the German banker in Hanover . As he glanced at the letter , Mr . Schwartz put away his pipe . " I am glad to hear that . I was afraid he might be quarrelsome and get himself into more trouble . Mr . Schwartz , if you have time , I would like to tell you a little about Frank Shabata , and why I am interested in him . " " Sure , I 'll keep an eye on him . We 'll take care of him all right , " he said , rising . " You can talk to him here , while I go to see to things in the kitchen . I 'll have him sent in . He ought to be done washing out his cell by this time . We have to keep ' em clean , you know . " When Mr . Schwartz disappeared , Alexandra thrust her black - edged handkerchief nervously into her handbag . Coming out on the streetcar she had not had the least dread of meeting Frank . But since she had been here the sounds and smells in the corridor , the look of the men in convicts ' clothes who passed the glass door of the warden 's office , affected her unpleasantly . The warden 's clock ticked , the young convict 's pen scratched busily in the big book , and his sharp shoulders were shaken every few seconds by a loose cough which he tried to smother . It was easy to see that he was a sick man . Alexandra looked at him timidly , but he did not once raise his eyes . He wore a white shirt under his striped jacket , a high collar , and a necktie , very carefully tied . His hands were thin and white and well cared for , and he had a seal ring on his little finger . When he heard steps approaching in the corridor , he rose , blotted his book , put his pen in the rack , and left the room without raising his eyes . Through the door he opened a guard came in , bringing Frank Shabata . " You the lady that wanted to talk to 1037 ? Here he is . Be on your good behavior , now . He can set down , lady , " seeing that Alexandra remained standing . " Push that white button when you 're through with him , and I 'll come . " Alexandra tried not to see his hideous clothes . She tried to look straight into his face , which she could scarcely believe was his . It was already bleached to a chalky gray . His lips were colorless , his fine teeth looked yellowish . He glanced at Alexandra sullenly , blinked as if he had come from a dark place , and one eyebrow twitched continually . She felt at once that this interview was a terrible ordeal to him . His shaved head , showing the conformation of his skull , gave him a criminal look which he had not had during the trial . Alexandra held out her hand . " Frank , " she said , her eyes filling suddenly , " I hope you 'll let me be friendly with you . I understand how you did it . I don 't feel hard toward you . They were more to blame than you . " Frank jerked a dirty blue handkerchief from his trousers pocket . He had begun to cry . He turned away from Alexandra . " I never did mean to do not ' ing to dat woman , " he muttered . " I never mean to do not ' ing to dat boy . I ain 't had not ' ing ag ' in ' dat boy . I always like dat boy fine . An ' then I find him ―― " He stopped . The feeling went out of his face and eyes . He dropped into a chair and sat looking stolidly at the floor , his hands hanging loosely between his knees , the handkerchief lying across his striped leg . He seemed to have stirred up in his mind a disgust that had paralyzed his faculties . " I haven 't come up here to blame you , Frank . I think they were more to blame than you . " Alexandra , too , felt benumbed . Frank looked up suddenly and stared out of the office window . " I guess dat place all go to hell what I work so hard on , " he said with a slow , bitter smile . " I not care a damn . " He stopped and rubbed the palm of his hand over the light bristles on his head with annoyance . " I no can t ' ink without my hair , " he complained . " I forget English . We not talk here , except swear . " Alexandra was bewildered . Frank seemed to have undergone a change of personality . There was scarcely anything by which she could recognize her handsome Bohemian neighbor . He seemed , somehow , not altogether human . She did not know what to say to him . Frank clenched his fist and broke out in excitement . " I not feel hard at no woman . I tell you I not that kind - a man . I never hit my wife . No , never I hurt her when she devil me something awful ! " He struck his fist down on the warden 's desk so hard that he afterward stroked it absently . A pale pink crept over his neck and face . " Two , t ' ree years I know dat woman don ' care no more ' bout me , Alexandra Bergson . I know she after some other man . I know her , oo - oo ! An ' I ain 't never hurt her . I never would - a done dat , if I ain 't had dat gun along . I don ' know what in hell make me take dat gun . She always say I ain 't no man to carry gun . If she been in dat house , where she ought - a been - But das a foolish talk . " Frank smiled at her queerly . His eyes filled slowly with tears . " You know , I most forgit dat woman 's name . She ain 't got no name for me no more . I never hate my wife , but dat woman what make me do dat - Honest to God , but I hate her ! I no man to fight . I don ' want to kill no boy and no woman . I not care how many men she take under dat tree . I no care for not ' ing but dat fine boy I kill , Alexandra Bergson . I guess I go crazy sure ' nough . " Alexandra remembered the little yellow cane she had found in Frank 's clothes - closet . She thought of how he had come to this country a gay young fellow , so attractive that the prettiest Bohemian girl in Omaha had run away with him . It seemed unreasonable that life should have landed him in such a place as this . She blamed Marie bitterly . And why , with her happy , affectionate nature , should she have brought destruction and sorrow to all who had loved her , even to poor old Joe Tovesky , the uncle who used to carry her about so proudly when she was a little girl ? That was the strangest thing of all . Was there , then , something wrong in being warm - hearted and impulsive like that ? Alexandra hated to think so . But there was Emil , in the Norwegian graveyard at home , and here was Frank Shabata . Alexandra rose and took him by the hand . " Frank Shabata , I am never going to stop trying until I get you pardoned . I 'll never give the Governor any peace . I know I can get you out of this place . " Frank looked at her distrustfully , but he gathered confidence from her face . " Alexandra , " he said earnestly , " if I git out - a here , I not trouble dis country no more . I go back where I come from ; see my mother . " Alexandra tried to withdraw her hand , but Frank held on to it nervously . He put out his finger and absently touched a button on her black jacket . " Alexandra , " he said in a low tone , looking steadily at the button , " you ain 't ' ink I use dat girl awful bad before ―― " " No , Frank . We won 't talk about that , " Alexandra said , pressing his hand . " I can 't help Emil now , so I 'm going to do what I can for you . You know I don 't go away from home often , and I came up here on purpose to tell you this . " The warden at the glass door looked in inquiringly . Alexandra nodded , and he came in and touched the white button on his desk . The guard appeared , and with a sinking heart Alexandra saw Frank led away down the corridor . After a few words with Mr . Schwartz , she left the prison and made her way to the street - car . She had refused with horror the warden 's cordial invitation to " go through the institution . " As the car lurched over its uneven roadbed , back toward Lincoln , Alexandra thought of how she and Frank had been wrecked by the same storm and of how , although she could come out into the sunlight , she had not much more left in her life than he . She remembered some lines from a poem she had liked in her schooldays : ―― and sighed . A disgust of life weighed upon her heart ; some such feeling as had twice frozen Frank Shabata 's features while they talked together . She wished she were back on the Divide . When Alexandra entered her hotel , the clerk held up one finger and beckoned to her . As she approached his desk , he handed her a telegram . Alexandra took the yellow envelope and looked at it in perplexity , then stepped into the elevator without opening it . As she walked down the corridor toward her room , she reflected that she was , in a manner , immune from evil tidings . On reaching her room she locked the door , and sitting down on a chair by the dresser , opened the telegram . It was from Hanover , and it read : ―― The next afternoon Carl and Alexandra were walking across the fields from Mrs . Hiller 's . Alexandra had left Lincoln after midnight , and Carl had met her at the Hanover station early in the morning . After they reached home , Alexandra had gone over to Mrs . Hiller 's to leave a little present she had bought for her in the city . They stayed at the old lady 's door but a moment , and then came out to spend the rest of the afternoon in the sunny fields . Alexandra had taken off her black travelingsuit and put on a white dress ; partly because she saw that her black clothes made Carl uncomfortable and partly because she felt oppressed by them herself . They seemed a little like the prison where she had worn them yesterday , and to be out of place in the open fields . Carl had changed very little . His cheeks were browner and fuller . He looked less like a tired scholar than when he went away a year ago , but no one , even now , would have taken him for a man of business . His soft , lustrous black eyes , his whimsical smile , would be less against him in the Klondike than on the Divide . There are always dreamers on the frontier . Carl and Alexandra had been talking since morning . Her letter had never reached him . He had first learned of her misfortune from a San Francisco paper , four weeks old , which he had picked up in a saloon , and which contained a brief account of Frank Shabata 's trial . When he put down the paper , he had already made up his mind that he could reach Alexandra as quickly as a letter could ; and ever since he had been on the way ; day and night , by the fastest boats and trains he could catch . His steamer had been held back two days by rough weather . Carl laughed . " Prudent Alexandra ! You see , my dear , I happen to have an honest partner . I trust him with everything . In fact , it 's been his enterprise from the beginning , you know . I 'm in it only because he took me in . I 'll have to go back in the spring . Perhaps you will want to go with me then . We haven 't turned up millions yet , but we 've got a start that 's worth following . But this winter I 'd like to spend with you . You won 't feel that we ought to wait longer , on Emil 's account , will you , Alexandra ? " Alexandra shook her head . " No , Carl ; I don 't feel that way about it . And surely you needn 't mind anything Lou and Oscar say now . They are much angrier with me about Emil , now , than about you . They say it was all my fault . That I ruined him by sending him to college . " " No , I don 't care a button for Lou or Oscar . The moment I knew you were in trouble , the moment I thought you might need me , it all looked different . You 've always been a triumphant kind of person . " Carl hesitated , looking sidewise at her strong , full figure . " But you do need me now , Alexandra ? " She put her hand on his arm . " I needed you terribly when it happened , Carl . I cried for you at night . Then everything seemed to get hard inside of me , and I thought perhaps I should never care for you again . But when I got your telegram yesterday , then ―― then it was just as it used to be . You are all I have in the world , you know . " " Can you understand it , Carl ? " Alexandra murmured . " I have had nobody but Ivar and Signa to talk to . Do talk to me . Can you understand it ? Could you have believed that of Marie Tovesky ? I would have been cut to pieces , little by little , before I would have betrayed her trust in me ! " Carl looked at the shining spot of water before them . " Maybe she was cut to pieces , too , Alexandra . I am sure she tried hard ; they both did . That was why Emil went to Mexico , of course . And he was going away again , you tell me , though he had only been home three weeks . You remember that Sunday when I went with Emil up to the French Church fair ? I thought that day there was some kind of feeling , something unusual , between them . I meant to talk to you about it . But on my way back I met Lou and Oscar and got so angry that I forgot everything else . You mustn 't be hard on them , Alexandra . Sit down here by the pond a minute . I want to tell you something . " They sat down on the grass - tufted bank and Carl told her how he had seen Emil and Marie out by the pond that morning , more than a year ago , and how young and charming and full of grace they had seemed to him . " It happens like that in the world sometimes , Alexandra , " he added earnestly . " I 've seen it before . There are women who spread ruin around them through no fault of theirs , just by being too beautiful , too full of life and love . They can 't help it . People come to them as people go to a warm fire in winter . I used to feel that in her when she was a little girl . Do you remember how all the Bohemians crowded round her in the store that day , when she gave Emil her candy ? You remember those yellow sparks in her eyes ? " Alexandra sighed . " Yes . People couldn 't help loving her . Poor Frank does , even now , I think ; though he 's got himself in such a tangle that for a long time his love has been bitterer than his hate . But if you saw there was anything wrong , you ought to have told me , Carl . " Carl took her hand and smiled patiently . " My dear , it was something one felt in the air , as you feel the spring coming , or a storm in summer . I didn 't SEE anything . Simply , when I was with those two young things , I felt my blood go quicker , I felt ―― how shall I say it ? - an acceleration of life . After I got away , it was all too delicate , too intangible , to write about . " Alexandra looked at him mournfully . " I try to be more liberal about such things than I used to be . I try to realize that we are not all made alike . Only , why couldn 't it have been Raoul Marcel , or Jan Smirka ? Why did it have to be my boy ? " The sun was dropping low in the west when the two friends rose and took the path again . The straw - stacks were throwing long shadows , the owls were flying home to the prairie - dog town . When they came to the corner where the pastures joined , Alexandra 's twelve young colts were galloping in a drove over the brow of the hill . " Carl , " said Alexandra , " I should like to go up there with you in the spring . I haven 't been on the water since we crossed the ocean , when I was a little girl . After we first came out here I used to dream sometimes about the shipyard where father worked , and a little sort of inlet , full of masts . " Alexandra paused . After a moment 's thought she said , " But you would never ask me to go away for good , would you ? " " Of course not , my dearest . I think I know how you feel about this country as well as you do yourself . " Carl took her hand in both his own and pressed it tenderly . " Yes , I still feel that way , though Emil is gone . When I was on the train this morning , and we got near Hanover , I felt something like I did when I drove back with Emil from the river that time , in the dry year . I was glad to come back to it . I 've lived here a long time . There is great peace here , Carl , and freedom . . . . I thought when I came out of that prison , where poor Frank is , that I should never feel free again . But I do , here . " Alexandra took a deep breath and looked off into the red west . " Yes , now more than ever . You remember what you once said about the graveyard , and the old story writing itself over ? Only it is we who write it , with the best we have . " " Lou and Oscar can 't see those things , " said Alexandra suddenly . " Suppose I do will my land to their children , what difference will that make ? The land belongs to the future , Carl ; that 's the way it seems to me . How many of the names on the county clerk 's plat will be there in fifty years ? I might as well try to will the sunset over there to my brother 's children . We come and go , but the land is always here . And the people who love it and understand it are the people who own it ―― for a little while . " Carl looked at her wonderingly . She was still gazing into the west , and in her face there was that exalted serenity that sometimes came to her at moments of deep feeling . The level rays of the sinking sun shone in her clear eyes . " I had a dream before I went to Lincoln - But I will tell you about that afterward , after we are married . It will never come true , now , in the way I thought it might . " She took Carl 's arm and they walked toward the gate . " How many times we have walked this path together , Carl . How many times we will walk it again ! Does it seem to you like coming back to your own place ? Do you feel at peace with the world here ? I think we shall be very happy . I haven 't any fears . I think when friends marry , they are safe . We don 't suffer like ―― those young ones . " Alexandra ended with a sigh .

Well , just a little note to say " glad I didn 't let myself get all carried away with DH 's ' new ' self " . . . . Yup , he 's back to not getting things done , back to talking in slow motion , and the last two days , when I reminded him to take his pills , he said , " I 'll do it in a little bit " , and then got himself off the schedule . So we 're back to " normal " . Sigh . I 'm hoping that this is just a " blip " . But bracing for the possibility that it isn 't . My New Years resolution , though , is to find a way to strong - arm him into applying for Social Security Disability . That and getting the roof fixed somehow . . . . Anyhow , this is a kind of short post , because I brought up the possibility of a little New Years Eve get - together at my Mom 's assisted living apartment , and she got really excited . So we are going to make some frozen pizzas and have a glass of champagne ( and DD is having non - alcoholic champagne , if it didn 't freeze in my car ) . . . anyhow , I have to head home to get that going - - I like when my mom gets excited and looks forward to something , even if it 's really not much of a big deal . . . . I always remember that this holiday could ( for anyone , actually , but an almost - 80 - year - old woman , for sure ) very well be the last one ( although I very much hope and pray it isn 't ) . So Happy New Year to you , and SEE YOU NEXT YEAR ( tee hee ) ( I always used to hate when people would say that and think it 's funny . . . . now I 'm doing it ! ) Hi everyone , I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and I also am hoping that 2009 brings wonderful things for all of us . . . . Christmas was fun , but it should 've been " funner " . I love Christmas , it 's my favorite time of year . I can get very much into the spirit , and things are usually a lot of fun . This year , though , I think all the crap is wearing me down . For example , every year since DH and I have been seeing each other , I have been in charge of " the games " . " The games " evolved because DH and his family would get together to play poker every Christmas Eve . But I , not being much of a poker player , thought that was boring , and so I came up with my " own " games , which are kind of like games that you would play at a wedding or baby shower , with little prizes that were either free samples , or from the dollar store . It 's turned into the highlight of the year , and every year I try to come up with new games and some serious and some very wacky prizes . I love that ! But this year , I really didn 't have the gumption . I went through the motions , and it was fun , but honestly , if someone had said , " Hey , maybe we shouldn 't do those games this year " , I would 've jumped at the chance . And I did all my ( what little there was ) Christmas shopping online , because I had no time in between snowstorms and work to go anywhere at all . And even my half - a * * ed attempts at holiday spirit were really pretty lame . And after it was all over , and I was left with that " Holiday Hangover " , where all I wanted to do was sleep all day and all night , I was left asking myself , " What 's wrong this year ? " After all , when you consider that my mom had broken her hip last Fall , and DH was not on Lithium back then , and I had less money than I do now , because I am working that extra day this year , it would kind of seem like I should 've been more stressed out last year , not this year . I guess maybe things are starting to catch up to me and that 's scary when I think about it , because I start wondering how long I can keep doing this . . . . a while , I hope ! Anyhow , there isPosted by Well , I hope you 're done with all of your running around and craziness . I hope that you have time to look at pretty lights , time to watch " It 's a Wonderful Life " ( my favorite movie of all time ) and time to hug everyone you care about . This year I have so much to be grateful for . I am hoping that 2009 is full of blessings for all of us . Anyhow , here 's a video for you - - thanks very much for being with me through all of this bipolar mayhem ! ! ! There are so many times that something someone has said in a comment will stick in my brain and carry me through a really rough time , I 'm happy to know all of you - - thanks again ! The surprise is , that DH has been doing amazingly well ! ! ! Today , he ( of course ) woke me up at 8am to tell me he was getting up for the day - - for those of you who have been reading for a while , you know that the fact that he is getting up at all is pretty wonderful - - anyhow , he got up , fixed the plow , plowed the driveway ( we 're having yet another snowstorm ) , then took DD AND her bio mom shopping at the dollar store ! ! All of this time , I was blissfully sleeping , after working all night . He pottied all the dogs , filled all the cat bowls , scooped litter boxes and then . . . . drum roll please . . . . . You know DD 's light ? The one in her bathroom that has been out of commission for not just months now , but for I think close to two years ? ? ? ? ? YUP ! ! ! ! ! I can 't believe it - - he went up into the attic and fixed that light ! And he hasn 't complained about his back hurting for AGES . I was so excited , I wanted to shout this from the rooftop ( except that our roof is in such bad shape , I don 't think that would be a good idea ! ! ) I really really hope that he can keep this up at least until after Christmas - - he 's really been trying hard ! ! I should have taken a picture of that light . I still might : - ) It 's a milestone - - for sure ! For me , this was a shocking article . I 've known for a long time that , especially when DH 's mental illness is not well - controlled , he is at a much higher risk for suicide , or an auto accident , or an unintentional overdose , I had never really thought about the fact that even if he never succumbs to these things , certain aspects of his lifestyle put him at a much higher risk . He is obese . Although he has cut down on the pop drinking quite a bit , he still makes poor food choices . And of course , you all know he smokes . When he was healthy , I used to refuse to even run to the store to buy cigarettes for him . Now , I not only go , but I pay for them , too . Just like the pop used to be , he believes ( and I have never been a smoker , so I am not making light of the situation , just not completely understanding ) that he could not live for an hour with no cigarettes . During one of his half serious attempts to quit smoking , he started chewing tobacco , and now he is dependent on that , too . And the possibility of quitting seems to threaten his very being . And he has already been diagnosed as " diabetic " , although so far , he has refused to really acknowledge it . . . . but , Carol , let 's face it . . . . DH fits this article , lock , stock , and barrel . . . . . It 's more than scary so see an article like this and wonder if it was written specifically about DH . Yikes . Here 's the link , for those of you who are interested : Why Do Mentally Ill People Die Younger ? Remember DD 's therapist , how she recommended that I " lower my expectations " with regard to DH . . . . well , I keep messing up ! ! ! I got home this morning , and DD supposedly could not manage to get the garbage down to the road ( that 's one of her little " jobs " ) . DH was up , he said he 'd take care of it . And then I changed the litter box that was starting to smell two days ago , that he said he 'd take care of . . . When I got up to go to work , I noticed that the load of DD 's laundry that had been in the dryer , was now jumbled in a laundry basked , even though she had been instructed to fold it and put it away . And then DD had an " issue " , and when that was said and done , nobody had taken care of the ducks and chickens and I was at work and DH was all ready for bed . I was so crabby - - a lot of times I really truly feel like nothing , not even the little stuff that I specifically request , will get done at all unless I do it . So right now I am going to count a few blessings to cheer myself up . I 'm employed . I have , not one , but two jobs . Right now , there are a lot of people who don 't have any . Nobody is having a crisis right now . My mom seems relatively stable and even though I work a lot and feel rather guilty about that , I love my mom and I love making her life more pleasant . DH is miles better than he was last year at this time ( pre - Lithium ) . I love where I live and all of my animals too . Our house , despite the complaining you see on this blog , is full of love . The bills are paid . I have friends , both in " real life " and in the blogosphere ! I know I shouldn 't complain so much , I really do . But sometimes ( ok , lots of times ) it all seems so absurd to me . And even when things make perfect sense to me , with DD and her problems , and DH and his mental illness , and my mom with her dementia , still nobody can see things clearly and then I start wondering if I 'm the one who 's not thinking right . . . . it 's nice to have a place to vent . But I think I am going to pay attention to how much I complain and try to tone it down a little , if I can . Sometimes I know itPosted by Well , when I got off work at 8 this morning , I decided to go to WalMart , because it wasn 't snowing at all yet . So I got dog food , a gallon of milk , some cereal , and some firestarter sticks to start a fire in the fireplace . I didn 't go hog wild , I was only in there probably twenty minutes , including the checkout . When I got back outside , it was simply unbelievable ! It was snowing so hard that I couldn 't even push my cart through the snow ! ! ! And then I had to drive home . I don 't know what I was thinking . I have known for at least three days that there was a big storm coming . But when I got to WalMart and it wasn 't even snowing , I figured I had it made ! Well , the 30 miles home were about the scariest I 've driven in years , if ever . Instantly there was about four inches of snow on the roads , and that 's not a really big deal for MN , but when the wind is blowing so hard that you can 't see the road at all , well , it 's a very big deal ! I don 't know how I got home . I 'm usually a pretty cautious driver in the snow , the one that all the " macho " guys in their 4 - wheel drives like to pass . . . . but today , after about the first mile , absolutely nobody even got close enough to think about passing me . . . . and by the time I got close to home , I was the only crazy person on the road . I don 't know how to explain the fear I had - - it was like the windshield was fogged up , but it wasn 't . I can 't believe I made it home without going in the ditch . My adrenalin was really going by the time I got home and pottied all the dogs ! ! Then I went to bed , and DH got up to plow the driveway . Just as he finished , the plow broke . So I guess if that was going to happen , I 'd rather have it happen at the end of the plowing than at the beginning ! ! I am hoping that he has enough wherewithal to fix it before the next snowstorm . . . . Once again , DD was being horrid . As soon as she saw me , and heard me talking to DH , she put her coat on and said she was ready to go visit her " real mom " . I told her there was no way anyone was going out in that , and sorry , it 'd have to be Posted by Mom ? What 's the best way for me to come up with three or four thousand dollars by April ? Me : Did I hear you right ? ( I 'm thinking . . . . she 's thinking car . . . . and doesn 't know we 've decided she 's not ready to drive yet . . . ) DD : Well , it might be more . . . . Me : What are you thinking you need that costs that much ? DD : Well , I 'm going to be 16 in April , and for my " sweet 16 " party , I want to have ACDC come and play . Me : Um , honey , you 'll need a LOT more than that . . . . DD : No I won 't ! ! ! They 're all old now ! ! ! Me : Maybe you should try to come up with some cheaper ideas . DD : Well , can I have a deejay ? Me : We haven 't even discussed whether there will be a party , let alone what will happen there ! DD : Well , could you open me a savings account ? Me : Ok , sure ! ! If you can save up thirty dollars , I will be very happy to open you a savings account . DD : Oh . Well I don 't think I could save that much . Me : Why not ? You just earned ten dollars the day before yesterday for combing the dogs - - do that twice more and you 've got it made ! DD : I already spent all that money . Me : Oh . DD : But can I shovel the walk or something and you can pay me ? Me : Um . . . . it hasn 't snowed all week . DD : So ? Me : Why don 't you wait until after the blizzard hits on Sunday , then after we 've got a foot of snow , we can talk about shoveling . DD : Oh forget it . ( It seems like nobody is happy with my inability to conjure up money out of thin air these days ! ) The phone rang this morning at 10 : 30am : Caller : Is Mr . DH home ? Me : yeah ( handing the phone to DH ) DH : ( to person in phone ) Uh , yeah . No I didn 't . Uh , probably tomorrow . ( hangs up ) Me : Who was that ? DH : The pawn shop . My heart sank . I didn 't say anything after that . I don 't want to know what he hocked . Not my problem . Not my problem . Not my problem . Except for that little part a while back where he was so grateful to me for paying off that stupid pawn shop when he hocked his brother 's gun . . . he said he 'd learned his lesson . He wouldn 't do that again , for sure . I usually schedule DD 's orthodontist appointments on Mondays , because that 's one of the most likely days that I would have off . I noticed that I had written down her December appointment for Tuesday the 16th , and I started second guessing myself , wondering if I wrote it on the wrong date . So I called the orthodontist 's office . " Hi , my name is Carol , and our DD sees the orthodontist there . I usually schedule her appointments on Mondays , so when I saw that this upcoming one was for Tuesday , I figured I 'd better call and double check . " " Well , ma ' am , I don 't really know what to tell you . Our orthodontist passed away suddenly over the weekend . We don 't know how long it 's going to be until we can find someone to take his place . " " Oh no ! ! ! It must 've been a heart attack , then , or something ? we just saw him two weeks ago and he looked fine ! ! ! How very sad . I 'm very sorry . " " Yes , it was a heart attack . He was only 47 years old . " " I am very sorry . I understand that you don 't know what 's going on right now . I 'll call back next week . " No matter how stressful I think my life is , I think his family will be wishing they had my kind of stress . How sad . I haven 't told DD yet . I don 't know how it will affect her . I 'm sure she knew who he was , but most of the time the " nurses " did most of the work and he just kind of supervised , so I 'm not sure if she 'll honestly feel bad , or if she 'll get all dramatic , or if it 'll be no big deal . There 's really not much in the parenting books about this kind of thing ! Well , this morning I got home at 6 : 30am . It would have been a waste of time to try to sleep for 20 minutes , so I watched the economic news for that time , until I had to get DD up for school . I usually sit up while she gets ready , because she sometimes tries to wear very inappropriate things if she isn 't supervised . One time it was 30 below zero and she decided she needed to wear flip - flops with ( of course ) no socks . That was an argument . . . . but she did end up putting on her tennies . . . . Anyhow , so I waited until she got on the bus , then went to bed at about 7 : 15 . I set my alarm for 10 : 30 , because DH has been doing much better since he 's been trying to take his meds at 12 hour intervals and he has told me that he can feel a difference and he likes it . But most of the time , given his own devices , he 'd still forget to take them in the morning . So I set my alarm to wake him up ( of course , that means I have to wake me up , too . . . . but having " That Guy " on vacation is more fun than being well rested : - ) So at 10am , a half hour early ( ! ) , DH woke me up and said , " If you set your alarm , you can turn it off , because I 'm getting up , and I 'm taking my pills . " Well , blow me away ! ! ! ! So . . . . back to sleep . At 11am , a clinic called about my mom 's Dr . appt tomorrow . Of course they needed to talk to me to tell me to be there five minutes early for paperwork . At 12 : 30pm , I got up to hop in the shower . Pretty often I put it off ( showering ) because it 's something I can skip for a day or two . And then I end up feeling yucky . Anyhow , took my shower . Went and picked up DD for her therapist appointment regarding the meltdown last week . So it 's a big deal . We 're in the middle of some heavy duty therapy stuff , and there 's a lot to say . But , suddenly , DH is there , knocking on the door , telling me that I need to go to my mom 's assisted living place because she is having troubles . Last night , she got confused with her pills and took this morning 's pills when she should have taken the ones for last night . ( She has three boxes of pills , one for morning , Posted by Well , things are finally calming down . DD got through school without me being called . She got through the after - school time without being rude to her dad . And DH got through it all without being inappropriate to DD ( in other words , " That Guy " stayed away , and DH did not lose his temper and / or swear at her ) . DH is still angry with DD for what she said to him . But it became very clear when we talked to her last night that she didn 't have a clue what she had said to him . She didn 't remember any of it . So being mad at that point is kind of senseless . But I can understand why he would still be mad . I hope he can get over it relatively soon . . . . I tried to have us all sit down and talk about what had happened . And I tried to make sure that DH took part in the " parenting " too . But then he went off on this stupid tangent about how DD probably has a mental illness and she didn 't have a choice , and she might as well get used to it . . . " I have no idea what he was getting at . Yes , DD will probably always have mental health problems . But I think that more than that , DH is desperate for someone to be " like " him . So he 's putting these stupid things onto DD and it doesn 't do any good at all . He just kept going on and on about it , and it had very little to do with DD 's meltdown , and even if it did , I think that it really didn 't help the situation at all . I kept talking with DD about who she should apologize to , and what she could do differently next time , and DH just wanted to keep telling her that she was stuck with mental illness , even if she didn 't want it . I let him ramble about it , though , on the off chance that talking like that might have helped convince himself that he can 't deny the fact that he 's mentally ill . I think DD was as confused as I was as to the relevance of it , though . Anyhow , now that things have calmed down , I really feel wiped out . Like I 've had the flu for three days . My whole body is exhausted . I am so tired . I know DD is tired , too . And DH , but he 's always tired . I can 't wait to get home from work and go toPosted by Well , this morning I went to school with DD and learned that she had a " very bad day " on Monday in school , too . The counselor said that she had " meant to get a hold of " me , but she hadn 't . In fact , she thought that we had come in to talk about DD 's day on Monday . I just told her what had happened , and we brainstormed a little to see if we could put a finger on what is happening , and , as near as we can figure , it 's something to do with an ongoing issue that DD has had with two other girls . Apparently those two girls were in church group last night and DD made a lot of threats and made a lot of people concerned . Two adults from the church group called DH after DD was already in bed to express their concerns about how she was acting . I 'm always torn when we get calls like that from adults , because I really want to know how she 's doing , but I think a lot of people , even though they know intellectually that she has " issues " , don 't actually recognize those issues when they come to the surface , so it ends up feeling like " you 're not doing your job ! " And then I feel defensive . I 'm trying . I really am . Anyhow , DD said hurtful things to DH like " I want you gone ! " and " I wish you didn 't even live here any more , I wish it was just me and Mom ! " and " All you ever do is sit around ! You never do anything ! ! ! I 'm sick of you ! ! ! You 're a bad Dad ! ! ! " I guess you could say that didn 't make DH 's mental health any better . He is still very hurt and upset about the things she said . I tried reminding him of things she 's said to me in the past , but he doesn 't remember any of those at all . I reminded him that she 's a teenager and that teenagers ( and kids in general ) can say very hurtful things . I 'm worried about how tonite will go with the two of them , as I had to come in to work . And at about 1pm , DD 's school called and they were concerned about her mental health . They were having a tough time calming her down and they thought that if I talked to her , she might feel better . I don 't feel like that was particularly successful , but maybe . . . . ThenPosted by With all this drama , I 've decided that since DD 's therapist only works on Tuesdays and Wednesdays , and DD has an appointment for next Wednesday , that will be too late to deal with this in a counseling sense . So I 've decided that I 'm not going to stay over in the city like I usually do , I 'm going to leave work early and go to school with DD in the morning so that I can talk with the school counselor and maybe figure out what is going on . I 'm worried about DD , but I 'm also worried that DH might not handle things as well as I 'd like , so I need to go home and make sure everyone is ok . Sigh . My phone double rang tonite - - that means it 's someone from outside the building . Usually it 's DH , and I had someone at my desk asking me a question , I didn 't answer . I called him back and checked to see if it was him . Me : Was it you that called ? DH : Yes , but this isn 't a good time . I 'll call you back . Five seconds later , my cell phone rang , which was a miracle in itself ( maybe ) because I usually don 't get a signal at work . All I could hear was DD screaming and crying . I told her , " You 've got to calm down before I can talk to you - - I can 't understand you ! " So she screamed as loud as she could in my ear and hung up . So . I called DH back , asked him what was going on . I could hear DD screaming at the top of her lungs in the background . DH says he is going to call the police , he thinks she needs to be committed . I can tell from his voice that I am talking to " That Guy " ( of course ) , but I try anyhow - - " No , don 't call the police , I think we can handle this . I don 't want them to take her away from us for any reason . " DH : Well I do . DH : I don 't care what happens to her . Me : I know you don 't now , but we 've put years of our lives into making sure this kid is loved and grows up to be as well - adjusted as she can , given her circumstances . Why don 't you let me talk to her ? DH : You 're not going to be able to calm her down . Every time I say something , she starts screaming . I 'm fu * * ing sick of it . I could hear him trying to hand the phone to DD and I could hear her screaming in the background . And I 'm wondering how I 'm going to take care of this , since I 'm 2 hours away from home . Suddenly DD decides she wants to talk to me after all , and I have no idea how , but I got her calmed down and she agreed to go to bed and stay in her room . Before she let me go , I asked her to hand the phone to DH . He wouldn 't take the phone from her , which , of course , made her scream and cry more . Finally I just told DD that I 'd get a hold of Dad later , and she should just go to bed . DH still won 't talk to me . Probably , that 's a good idea right now . I want to tell him whaPosted by Hi everyone . . . . I wish I was writing to tell you what a wonderful holiday weekend I 've had , but , well , you know the drill . . . it started out with DH having a wonderful Thanksgiving day at my brother 's , with DD and me , too . He was cheerful , helpful , and just all - around , the DH I married . I was very proud ! ! ! ! ( DD , on the other hand , was not at her best , taking toys away from the 2 year old and getting mad at the three year old when the three year old didn 't play her way . . . . she was the lucky recipient of several stern warnings ) . . . . Anyhow , nothing big happened at all . . . . then we got home and our telephone ( s ) didn 't work . And since I paid the bill last week , I was pretty sure that wasn 't the problem . DH went outside to see if the problem was inside our house or out in the phone line , of course it was inside our house . But then he " didn 't feel like " tracking down the problem and fixing it , of course . . . . Then he decided he was going to clean up our bedroom . What he discovered when he did that was not a good thing : Under Kirby Puppy 's dog bed , the floor was wet . But it wasn 't from a dog . There is no plumbing in our bedroom . He examined the wall and the bottom of the wall is wet . While there are no stains on the ceiling , what it means is that there is some kind of roof problem . Not surprising since our roof has needed to be replaced for so very long , but it 's hard to convince a bank that " Yes , I know I 've got $ 45 , 000 in debt not including the mortgage , but I really need another loan . . . . " The credit union in town does know that DH is mentally ill . I could probably get them to loan me roof money . But there 's no way I could pay it back , and with my job situation so precarious , there 's even less likelihood that I could fulfill my obligations there . I think I 'm going to start this process by learning how to clean the gutters on the house - - maybe that 's the problem ( I know , probably wishful thinking ) - - anyhow , I had been hoping to use the tax refund to redo the roof , but if things are actually rotten , I 'm scared that might not be enougPosted by Well , here is what happened : DH 's truck payment is $ 274 / month . We got an offer from the credit union where , for a $ 35 fee , we could skip our November payment and thus use that money for Christmas . ( Or in our case , for bills ) . ( There won 't be much Christmas at our house , I don 't think ) . Anyhow , I filled out the form and turned it in . The lady at the credit union told me that they 'd call in the next day or two and let me know if everything was ok . I didn 't hear anything , but also didn 't get a " rejection " notice , either . ( I was kind of thinking that even though we aren 't late on that bill , that maybe DH 's bankruptcy would cause a problem , so I wasn 't all that confident that we would be accepted ) . I was chattering to DH about what I should do , because nobody had called and so I didn 't know if we had extra money or not . . . . and he said , " No , they did call ! ! ! " I got all excited and asked him what they said . " Uh , I think I have to go there and sign something . . . . no . . . . I think everything was ok . . . . yeah . . . . I think they said it was going through . . . . oh , I don 't remember ! ! ! ! " So I had to call the credit union and tell them that even though they did talk to a live person at my house , nobody had any idea what was said : - ( And of course , the people who were in charge of that program were gone for the day . So I 'm stuck . I still don 't know if we will have extra money or not . I wish I could just tell everyone important , like doctors who call with test results , or teachers who set up conferences for DD , OR THE CREDIT UNION , " Don 't talk to my husband ! " " He won 't have any idea what was said , if he even remembers talking to you at all . " But I won 't , of course . . . . and even if I could , I probably wouldn 't think of enough people and it would still happen . So I got home from work at 6 : 30am , got DD and her crappy teenage attitude on the bus , and went to bed . Shortly thereafter , the following ensued : 8 : 00am : DH : Carol , are you asleep ? Me : Yes , what 's wrong ? DH : You know that tooth that was bothering me yesterday ? Well it 's worse . It 's killing me . Me : Well , it 's 8am . You should probably get up and call the dentist and see if they can get you in . DH : Ok . 8 : 15am : DH : They 're closed on Wednesdays . Me : Well , maybe you should try a different dentist , just check the yellow pages . DH : Ok . 8 : 30am : DH : Are you still awake ? The other dentist in town said it 'd be $ 181 . 00 to pull the tooth . Me : Oh ! ! That 's a lot of money . But if you need to do it , you need to do it . . . . DH : I 'll just see if it will go away . 8 : 45am : DH : I can 't wait til tomorrow , I 've got to do something . Me : Well , there 's that Ambesol in the medicine cabinet , why don 't you try that ? DH : Ok . 9 : 00am : DH : The Ambesol isn 't doing anything at all . It didn 't even make a difference . I 'm going out to have a smoke . Me : Ok , good night . 9 : 30am : DH : Are you still awake ? Me : No . DH : I called our dentist back and got an appointment for tomorrow morning , 8am . Me : Oh good . 10 : 00am : DH : I can 't stand this , I 've got to do something . Me : Did you take an Advil or something ? DH : I took one last night . Me : How about this morning ? DH : Oh yeah , right . Good idea . 10 : 15am : ( At this point I was ready to pay $ 181 . 00 just to get some sleep ! ) DH : The Advil isn 't doing anything . What should I do ? Me : Is there any way you can wait until tomorrow ? Because our dentist will let us make payments . . . . DH : I 'm going to call some more places . 11 : 00am : DH : I 've got an appointment at 1pm at that other dentist in town . Me : Ok , well , I 've got the money , but the 4 - wheeler payment is going to be late . DH : Well , that wouldn 't be the first time , would it ? 11 : 30am : DH : I just called my mom and she 's going to mail us the money so that you won 't be too late with that bill . Me : Oh , that 's a big relief ! ! ! ! 12 : 00pm : Alarm clock : Ring ! ! ! ! Epilogue : DH got a tooth pulled . They prescribed Vicodyn instead of PercocePosted by I am really frustrated with trying to get DH to take his pills at a scheduled time . Yesterday , at about 7pm , he kind of gasped and said , " Oh no , I forgot to take my morning pills again ! ! I 'll take them right now . " So then , of course , when he takes his " nighttime " pills at 1 or 2 am , undoubtedly , his Lithium levels are not stable . . . So today , he got up at 1pm and took his " morning pills " not too long after that . I got excited . But I shouldn 't have . I just called him to remind him to take his pills , and he said , " I will , as soon as I 'm done with the laundry . " So , in other words , he 'll be up all night , and he 'll be taking his nighttime pills at 5am or so . I just have such a hard time believing he doesn 't see this . But he doesn 't . For a while , he was doing better on the pill schedule . We had had a discussion and I was not feeling all that subtle that day , and I had said to him , " You keep saying you want to work . But how on earth are you expecting to get up every day and get to work by a certain time every day , eat lunch at a certain time every day , and finish your work by the end of the day , when you can 't even set your alarm clock to take your pills in the morning ? That must 've hit home , because for a couple of weeks , he was better about taking his pills . But he 's backsliding again . . . . It 's kind of funny . I thought that since the Lithium was doing such wonders for him , that the rest of this would be a piece of cake . Even if he could never work again , the worst was behind us . But there 's always something to worry about , and it never stops . Well , I drove to work thinking that I was going to write a post about how good DH has been doing - - he 's been getting up at 5 : 30am to go out and hunt . He hasn 't been watching TV . Of course , he hasn 't been doing much of anything else , but that 's not unusual . . . . LOLSo anyhow , tonite he told me that while I was working , he was going to do a little cleaning , because his mom is coming by tomorrow . That sounded great , too ! ! But at midnight , I called to see if he had taken his nighttime pills , and he said , " no , I didn 't take them , because I 've got to stay up and clean . " He decided that instead of just putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher and sweeping and mopping the floors , he was going to clean the whole house . At 3am he still hadn 't taken his pills . Then , at 4am , he called , all proud of himself , because he had cleaned the whole house . And since it was so late , he is going to stay up until 5 : 30 so that he can hunt . I just wish he could see that when he does this , I lose out . . . . I won 't even get home from work until 10am , and his mom is going to be at our house at noon . And if he stays up all night , THEN takes his pills , well , then I 'm the one who gets stuck entertaining on two hours of sleep . And I have to go back to work tomorrow night , as usual , so if I don 't get at least 4 or 5 hours of sleep , I 'll struggle at work , too . And he doesn 't have to go to work , or anyplace . So I guess this isn 't going to be a post about how good he 's been doing , after all . Oh , and when he 's been going out to hunt , he only stays out for a couple of hours , then he goes back to sleep . So he hasn 't gotten a deer , and neither did Jason . We really really need that meat , though , I don 't know what we 'll do if there 's no deer . . . . I was just at the grocery store and the cheapest hamburger they had was $ 3 . 00 for . 75 / lb ! ! ! Yup , they are making . 75 / lb packages now , I guess people can 't afford a pound any more . . . . I 've been using a half pound in recipes that call for a whole pound , but jeez , at 3 . 89 a pound or whatever it is now , even that doesn 't really savPosted by Well , we had our big meeting today - - and , as you might have guessed , it 's definitely not good news , but I suppose it 's better than it could have been . In a nutshell , no pink slips today . But starting in early 2009 there probably will be . They aren 't saying or ( yeah right ) aren 't aware of the specifics , like how many people , who , when , and all that . . . . so it was just a " heads - up , you probably don 't want to go out and buy a new house right now because your job is probably going away in the relatively near future " meeting . I 'm mostly relieved , because every paycheck puts me closer to being out of debt . . . . so I 'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I know what other options I have . . . . So I guess I can say " Whew ! " And cross my fingers that everything works out ok . As you all know , I have two jobs : a full time one about two hours from home , and a part time one on the weekends . Today when I showed up at my full time job , I ( and everyone else I work with ) received a special invitation to a " mandatory " meeting to be held tomorrow . We have never had a meeting like this before . Rumors are flying , but the bosses aren 't saying a word . I suspect that in the current economy , we probably aren 't all getting a raise . I hope I 'm overreacting . But if I am , so is everyone I work with . I 'll keep you posted , of course . . . . I think not knowing is worse than anything . You can 't plan when you don 't know what 's going on . I hope I 'm PMS ' ing , that 's all I can say , because I am positively disgusted ! First off , DD lied about doing her homework . I called her and she told me " I 'm doing it right now . " Then when DH asked to see it ( of course it was past bedtime by then ) , he discovered that it was not done . So when I got home from work , DH was just getting up to go deer hunting , and he had gotten DD up . But I had to sit there with her and make sure she actually did her homework . So that was an hour and a half of sleep I didn 't get ( grrrr ) . Then , on Monday , DH told me not to worry about cleaning the litter box that is in our master bathroom . He keeps making DD scoop the boxes that are in the laundry room , but she isn 't allowed in our bedroom , so one of us ( usually me ) does that one . But this time DH said he would do it . Then he forgot . On Tuesday , he " forgot " again , and called to tell me he 'd " for sure " do it " tomorrow " . But he didn 't . So after I got done policing DD 's homework , I had to clean a litter box , even though DH was still telling me he 'd " do it later , I promise " . . . . I couldn 't stand it any more . So then I went to bed and got up about 3 1 / 2 hours later , because my mom had an appointment to get her new orthotic shoes ( for her hammertoe ) . So we went and got the shoes , and , since she missed lunch at the assisted living place , we had to go to McDonalds , and that made me late for work . Then I got home , and DH was sleeping , and he hadn 't brought the paperwork to the clinic that he was supposed to . Everything was a mess ( even more than usual ) , and he hadn 't done anything around the house at all . Anyhow , that 's the way today went . I 'm sure you get the idea . I am / was crabby . Remember last year , how I had taken DH 's guns away , because I was afraid he was going to kill himself ? That seems so long ago . Since then , we 've found Lithium , and DH , for the most part , is getting out of bed and talking to people ( and he wasn 't doing that last year ) . Things have really gotten so much better . But this morning , shortly after DH went out to hunt , I heard a shot and I got so scared . I had been completely unaware of how worried I actually was . All sorts of things went through my head , most of them involving me becoming a widow , and some of them pertaining to " how could I let him hunt ? " Then he walked in the door . He was in a good mood . No , he didn 't get a deer , it was someone on an adjoining property . Nothing was out of the ordinary at all , in fact , if I hadn 't just suffered through this last year , I would 've thought it was like any other . But I was so scared . And on a side note , DH 's brother came up to hunt with HIS gun - - you might remember , that DH pawned his brother 's rifle TWICE in the past year when I wouldn 't give him money for pop or cigarettes . . . . then I wound up having to pay to get it out of the pawnshop because I don 't want DH to have to deal with his brother 's wrath . . . . which , would be rather well - deserved , after all , the gun was not DH 's to hock . . . . oh well , all 's well that ends well , right ? Well , back to the old grindstone , after my " mini - vacation " . . . . sigh . . . . I brought DH to the grocery store with me - - bad idea . He wanted this and that , just like a kid ! ! ! And then I started to feel like a big meanie , because I kept saying " no " but I was buying stuff that " I " thought we needed , and - - do you know what I mean ? I guess I didn 't want to be " treating him like a child " , so I got his pot pies , his fancy lunch meat ( even though I know the last time I bought that lunch meat , he ate it all in one day , as a " snack " ) , ingredients for a dinner that he enjoys . . . . when it was all said and done , I wound up spending a LOT more than I had planned . And now , because I was careless and frivolous , I 'm going to have to find a way to come up with DH 's truck payment - - it 's already 2 weeks late , and I don 't usually let things go that far . I 'm afraid I 'm going to have to " rob Peter to pay Paul " and I just hate that , especially when I know that the problem could and should have been prevented . . . . I think back to the times when we were both working and we were debt free , too , and how I didn 't even appreciate the fact that I could go to the grocery store and not feel bad when I got home . . . . you never know what you 've got until it 's gone : - ( And to top that off , I don 't think the additional Lithium is doing much for DH . I haven 't seen any real difference yet . Maybe it 's too soon . . . . I hope . . . . DD 's therapist told me that DD is doing " amazingly well " , " beyond her wildest dreams " . She told me I 'm doing an amazing job and she doesn 't know how I 'm holding everything together . If I stop to think about it , I don 't know either . But I don 't feel like I 'm holding everything together , I feel like little by little , things are slipping out of my control and I am stretched so thin that I can 't do a thing about it . My mom 's cat had two " episodes " this past week where he ( um ) messed all over her apartment . And the assisted living people called me to come and take care of it . Since that is not normal for him ( obviously ) , I took the cat to the vet and he waPosted by I ended up having the weekend to myself . It was so invigorating , I really started to feel like myself again , and that light at the end of the tunnel , well , it was a lot clearer , especially when I got 8 hours of sleep and no drama ! And then yesterday , DH had his psychiatrist appointment , as soon as he got back from his mom 's house . We learned that his Lithium level was only 0 . 6 and they try to aim for 1 . 0 ( ? I could be wrong as to where the decimal point falls , so please let me know if I am and I will change that ) . Anyhow , it was relatively low , considering how much he had been taking ( 1500 a day ) . So the psychiatrist said , " Well , you 're a pretty big guy , let 's try 300 more and see what happens . " It is very possible that this could be a source of some or all of the instability that has been happening lately . This morning when DH got up , after his first extra dose , he seemed more alert than he had recently . I don 't know if it 's too early to start seeing results , but I do know that I saw results within the first two days when he first started on the Lithium , so I don 't think I 'm too far out there if I am hoping that I 'm seeing improvement ! That in itself isn 't news . But , if you consider that one of the reasons I have a tough time enjoying DH 's dad 's company , is that he is " Archie Bunker recincarnate " ( in other words , a HUGE bigot ) , it becomes a big deal . I have never been in a restaurant or any other place where my father in law has not referred to people of color as ( whatever their racial slur is - - depends on the background of the person ) . When I was first getting to know DH 's dad , I was constantly appalled by his attitude . Then I just started to avoid him . Then , this weekend , DH asked his dad who he was voting for , and his dad , apparently really quietly , said , " I 'm voting for Obama . " No jokes , no racial slurs , just that statement . You could have knocked me over with a feather . It 's a new era , for sure . I cannot believe my good fortune ! The last time I had a Saturday night off at my part - time job was July 2007 ( my 40th birthday ) . Since then I have worked every Saturday , and for ten months , every Sunday , also . I hadn 't realized it , until I started to get really burnt out . I made an offhand remark to my boss about how the last Saturday I had off was in 2007 , and she suggested that I take a weekend off . She actually suggested this coming weekend , because there is an extra payday in October this year , so the financial hit wouldn 't be quite so bad . And then she worked with the boss at the other location and found people to fill in for me . So I have four days off in a row , where I don 't have to work anywhere at all ! ! ! ! Woo hoo ! ! ! ! It has been so long ! ! ! And here is something else - - DH wants to go to his mom 's for the weekend because I won 't be working and can be home to take care of animals , etc . ! ! ! ! But wait ! ! ! There 's more ! ! ! ! He wants to bring DD with him . Oh what a wonderful weekend that would be ! ! ! ! The catch is , of course , that he still won 't accept any money from his mom . So that means , I have to come up with it . So , since the price of gas has gone down so much , I probably only need to come up with $ 140 . Might as well have to come up with a thousand . I have no idea how I will get that money . I 've got $ 65 in my savings account , and I 've got a change jar . . . . but I don 't think there 's enough money there . . . Maybe I can talk him into accepting money from his mom if she is offering . . . . it would sure make things easier . . . but I don 't dare bring it up myself , because he might decide not to go at all . I 'll have to figure this out . As hard as it is to manage everything when he 's gone , it 's still a lot easier than when he 's here - - I always know what to expect when he 's gone . ( unless he calls from wherever he is with a drama , that is ) LOLBut even if he doesn 't go , I 'll still have a good weekend . Ok , well , there 's DH , who 's my soulmate , the best husband ever . Then there 's " That Guy " , who 's the antithesis of " good husband " . He 's coldhearted , irrational , demanding , and inconsiderate . But there 's this other guy , too , and I need to get rid of him too ! It 's the guy who wallows in self - pity . " I can 't find a job . " " I 'm worthless . " " Everyone would be better off if I was dead . " The guy who , when you say something that isn 't absolutely 100 % glowing praise , shuts down and won 't talk at all . " What 's wrong ? " " Nothing . " " Did I do something wrong ? " " No , that 's part of the problem , you 've done absolutely everything right . " " Well , can we talk about it ? " " I 've been doing a lot of thinking . " " About what ? " " I 've got a lot on my mind . " " I don 't want to talk about it . " " Why don 't you just tell me to go ? " " I 'm such a burden to you . " I ( Carol ) just want to say to him , " Ok , so you feel like you 're a burden . I assume that 's because you are always asking me for money . If you don 't like how it makes you feel , then make a goal and change it . " But that always makes " That Guy " mad , because I don 't understand . ( In reality , I guess the " wallowing DH " is just another one of " That Guy " 's shining personality attributes . And I wish " That Guy " would take " wallowing DH " away , too . ) When DH 's mom first sold her land earlier this fall , and got her $ 150 , 000 for it , she had announced that she wanted to take us " all " ( DH , me , DD and DH 's two brothers ) on a trip to Las Vegas . I didn 't want to go , because I hate to fly , and also because I didn 't want to take all that time off of work , and also , nobody would be around to take care of the animals - - we usually have DH 's brother housesit for us when we 've gone on trips , but if he is going to Las Vegas , then we would have to board a bunch of them , resulting in lots of stress for all involved . DH didn 't want to go either , because he is terrified of flying , and I think he was starting to realize how much trouble it would be to go on a trip with the entire family . . . Anyhow , when she realized we really didn 't want to go to Las Vegas , DH 's mom decided that she was going to buy us hardwood laminate flooring for our living room , instead . She was hell bent on it , pointing out that our carpeting in the living room was at least 25 years old , and in places , it was held together by duct tape and we used rugs to cover the holes and the duct tape . So we agreed to the new flooring . DH and Jason installed it . I had shown DH a color that I was hoping to use for paint for the living room , to go with the new floor . My plan was to put a little money aside every payday until I had enough to buy the paint . The next day DH came home with two gallons of it , already mixed . " I charged it . I know I 'm bad , but I wanted to surprise you . " I was upset , but I couldn 't do much about it , because the paint had already been mixed together , and I knew the small hardware store would lose out if I made DH bring back the already mixed paint . DH assured me that the next time his mom sent him money , he would pay for the paint . I know that didn 't happen . So . . . . cut to today . . . . DH and DD were scrubbing the white wainscoating in our kitchen . DH pointed out to me how much better it looked now that it had been cleaned , and I said , jokingly , but still kind of seriously , " Now don 't you run out and chargePosted by Well , this past week has been a chore , to say the least ! In between the nearly constant arguments about me " treating DH like a child " regarding the Percocet , I 've also had to deal with more instability . DH called his mom to set up plans to go to her house to finish the work he didn 't finish last time ( because he was in the hospital ) and the time before ( when he just didn 't get anything done ) . His mom told him he needed to bring the truck ( over $ 100 gas money one way , and I don 't have that ) . He said he didn 't have any money and she told it like it is . Probably she shouldn 't have , but she only spoke the truth : " You are costing me a fortune . I can 't afford this . I 've paid for you to come for two long weekends and so far all I 've done is buy you pop and cigarettes , pay for your prescriptions ( that they gave him in the hospital ) and feed you . And that 's not counting the gas money . " I 'd like to say I 'm shocked , but really , that 's how I feel a lot of the time , too , I just don 't say it , because I know what happens when I do : Instead of saying , " you know , I 've really got to get my * * * * in gear , all I 've been doing is sitting around . " , he says , " I 'm such a burden . All I do is make people broke . I 'm a piece of shit . You 'd all be better off without me . " I know how it goes , because every time I bring up the money he " needs " for things that I don 't see as " needs " , he says the same thing . This time it was a little bit worse , though , because it was his mom , not me , and she had never said anything like this before . He 's been having a pity party for the last three days . His mom finally said she 'd wire him the money , and he refused it . So then he declared himself to be a piece of shit because his mom needs his help and he refused her money . I ask him " Do you feel like hurting yourself ? " " A little . " But he won 't do anything about it . I think we really need some medication tweaking . He was doing so good there for a while , when we found Lithium , I 'm really disappointed that we 're back into all the drama and self - pity again . . . . . and the PePosted by Now I don 't remember how much I 've told you about DH and Percocet , so I 'll give you a little recap - - way back before the bipolar stuff really started , DH had some kind of pain , I can 't remember if it was back pain or tooth pain or what , but anyhow , he was given a small prescription for Percocet . After he had been taking it for a couple of days , he told me , " Boy , I can see why people get addicted to this stuff . . . I can see me having a problem with this . " So we talked a little more and he decided that he had better make sure that he didn 't get any Percocet in the future . And that was that . But then , when the bipolar stuff started happening , he was going to the emergency room every single weekend because of back pain . And the doctors all gave him Percocet , and DH told me that he " could handle it , don 't worry . " One night , I was kind of surprised , because DH , who , while he is usually friendly and charming , is not really talkative , was talking and talking and had all these ideas , and couldn 't stop telling me how much he loved me , and blah blah . . . . he basically talked for nearly an entire night straight . Now , keeping in mind that this was at the beginning of the bipolar odyssey , when I had no idea that I wasn 't dealing with a rational person , I commented on it , and DH told me that he had " probably taken more Percocet than he should have . " From then on , I was worried about him becoming addicted to Percocet . And I could usually tell , too , when he had taken " too much " , because he would always be so talkative . In hindsight , when I write about all the nonstop talking that he did , I wonder how much of that had to do with bipolar and how much of it had to do with Percocet , but at the time I didn 't know that DH was mentally ill . Anyhow , I was so very concerned , and DH promised me that he would talk to his Dr . about the Percocet and have a note put into his file that he shouldn 't have any . Like a fool , I thought he would actually do this , but of course he didn 't . Then one day , I was seeing more strange things , and I decided to search hiPosted by Wow - - here 's a story for you ! I 've been putting a little money aside here and there so that we could get our chimney cleaned . I had saved up $ 150 . 00 and I knew it was going to cost " $ 104 to $ 125 " ( according to the chimney sweep ) to get it done . We had the chimney sweep coming out today . Unfortunately , the timing wasn 't all that good , as my friend Anita asked me to drive her home from a medical procedure , since she was going to be sedated ( she 's the one who was widowed in December ) , which meant that I had to get up early and leave . And I couldn 't get DH to wake up , so I had to reschedule the chimney sweep . I had the $ 150 in cash , waiting to pay the guy . ( I assumed that there would be tax or whatever , so I made sure I had a little extra . ) One fifty dollar bill and five twenties . Last night , when I was still at work , I counted it to make sure I had the right amount , then I put it in my back pocket , where I keep my mom 's credit card . ( I don 't carry a purse , as I tend to forget them and lose them , so everything important ( there 's not usually much ) goes in my back pocket ) . So this morning ( after I rescheduled the chimney sweep ) I got up and needed to pick up a prescription for my mom before I went to pick up Anita . I transferred everything from the pockets into my clean pair of jeans and went to the pharmacy . I picked up the prescription and dropped it off at my mom 's . Then I went to Anita 's ( she lives 90 miles away - - but close to where I work ) . Once I was in the city , I decided to put my $ 150 into the bank so that I wouldn 't be tempted to spend it , and it was GONE . I was pretty positive I had put it into my pocket . But I had been pretty groggy when I woke up , too , so I wasn 't absolutely positive . I looked in all the " cubbys " in my car , I looked in my tote bag , I looked under the seat , and under the floor mat . Part of me was thinking that " maybe it fell out at the pharmacy " , but I honestly do not lose things often - - I can 't remember the last time I lost something that was in my pocket like that - - no doubt it 's been years , so Posted by Today DH approached me and asked me " what 's wrong ? " And I told him that I was angry . About the snoring thing , but mostly about a few other conversations I 've had with " That Guy " , where he got very angry with me for " treating him like a child " . It was clear that he wasn 't completely aware of what " That Guy " had said or what the context was . . . he seemed surprised when I told him why I said and did what I did - - apparently " That Guy " had convinced him that I was just being a controlling jerk . Then he told me that he " thinks he 's slipping , mental - health wise " and was thinking about checking himself into the hospital because he 's been having a lot of urges to self - medicate . I again suggested that he start seeing his therapist again , and he said he would , but he 's said that dozens of times now . . . Anyhow , he also confessed to stealing $ 20 from me yesterday and I hadn 't even realized it yet . I was mildly impressed that he up and confessed . His mom is sending him some money tomorrow , so I made it clear that I expect him to pay me back . And I bought a locking safe box ( for important papers ) at a garage sale and am going to put all of my gold dollars and any other money in there , so he will have no ability to do that any more . All I can think is that it must 've been " That Guy " who did the stealing , and DH who felt bad about it . . . ? Anyhow , today DH seemed so confused and frustrated about what is going on , that I couldn 't stay mad at him . . . . ( but I could stay mad at " That Guy " ) . . . As an aside , and probably contributing to my stress , I have a fairly painful infection of my nail bed on my right thumb . I went to the doctor on Thursday and they told me that if it was not better by Saturday that I would need to have it lanced and it would be extremely painful . Being as how I hate pain , and being as how our clinic was only open until noon on Saturday and they have a fit when you want to come in on Saturday because it 's apparently a huge inconvenience , I opted to wait until Monday and hope it went away . But it hasn 't , and I am dreading the Posted by And I don 't know what to do about it . I really don 't even want to go home from work , but I don 't really have a lot of other options . Now he 's angry that I " treat him like a child " . I want to say , " Well , let 's see . . . . you aren 't working , you have no self - control , you have tantrums , tell me again why a person would treat you like a child ? " But I know I can 't . So I 'll say it here , LOL . I really didn 't realize how little of the " same old crap " it would take to get me wondering if it 's worth it . I thought that maybe if I had a break , you know , a couple of months where he was his " normal self " that I could be better at dealing with the crap . But the opposite seems to be true - - each little thing seems to bring this huge swell of anger in me , and I end up surprised . And kind of scared , because I 'm usually pretty easy going , this anger is something I 'm not used to and something I 'm not sure of . Tonite I was really wishing he 'd just up and leave , like so many bipolar spouses do . Then my next thought was , " No , he 'd kill himself for sure , then . " But right now part of me just wants this all to be over with , so I can get back to a normal life . I hope I 'll feel better tomorrow . Me : Honey , can you roll over ? You 're snoring really loud . DH : Uh , ok . DH : SNORE , SNOREMe : Did you fall back asleep ? Could you please roll over ? You 're snoring really really loud ! DH : Yeah . DH : SNORE , SNOREMe : ( shaking him awake ) Could you please roll over ? I can 't sleep with you snoring like that . DH : Yeah , just let me wake up here a second . DH : SNORE , SNOREMe : I can 't sleep on the couch because you 've got all the furniture piled up in the corner of the living room and the couch is upside down under the table . DH : I know , I know , I 'm waking up . . . DH : SNORE , SNOREMe : ( shaking him awake again ) C ' mon , can you PLEASE roll over ? DH : ( getting out of bed ) I 'm f * * * in ' leaving . Leave me alone . ( slams door and leaves ) I hate this . I want to divorce " That Guy " . Hi everyone , I 'm sorry again that it 's been so long between posts - - there 's been so much going on , I haven 't really had time to keep you all up to date - - but I 'm going to try to remedy that tonite . . . As you remember , DH had spent his mom 's money at the casino . After he told me , I told him I didn 't have the money to help him - - it was a little bit of a lie , because I had the money , but it would 've meant not getting our chimney cleaned this year again ( last year we couldn 't afford it either ) . . . So he " manned up " and actually called his mom and told her what he had done . " Needless to say , " she wasn 't exactly thrilled . I guess she gave him an earful about how he needs to sign up for Social Security Disability and how I work all the time and all he does is lay around and spend money . . . . and then she wired him ( via Western Union ) some more money so that he could go to her house this past weekend . He was sufficiently chastened to where he did not spend that money on anything other than what it was intended for . I haven 't heard the " spend " in his voice since the night he went to the casino . We got a hold of the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds and she called the psychiatrist and they decided to raise DH 's dose of Lamictal . Hopefully that is a good thing . Anyhow . . . . so DH was going to his mom 's for the weekend . He left on Friday - - I told him to call me when he got to his mom 's . When it got to be after Midnight , I started to get a little worried , but not much , because I figured he had just forgotten to call . I planned on calling him before I went to bed . At 2 : 30am the phone rang : " I 'm in the hospital . I was driving and I hit a log and the truck flew up and landed and then my back really hurt bad , so bad I drove myself to the hospital . " I was worried , but they had already done a scan and determined that nothing was broken . . . This is where I get so confused . . . there obviously was a " physical " cause for the back pain . But given his recent mental state , I still am not sure how much was " mental " pain and how much was due to hittingPosted by There is just no end to this bad week . Silly me for thinking that was all there was . . . . After DH got home last night , he called to tell me that he was home , everything was ok , and DD was in bed . He told me that he was going to have to go back up there to finish the work he had started but not finished , and that his mom had given him gas money ( it costs about $ 130 in gas for him to get there in the truck and I don 't have that kind of money ) . I was relieved , both because I wasn 't expected to come up with the cash , and because DH was leaving again . It 's kind of funny , I love him so much , but things really run so much smoother when he 's not there . . . . Anyhow , about a half hour later , he called me again . I got a red flag alert right away - - he had that sound in his voice - - I 've called it " triumphant " - - like he 's just conquered the world . I don 't know how else to describe it , it 's not the words he uses at all , but his voice changes . . . . anyhow , there 's only one thing that particular voice has ever signified : spending . Hoping I was wrong , and still hoping against hope that he was still at home ( but doubting it due to what I had heard in his voice ) , I asked him " Where are you going ? " " Well , I forgot the key to our bedroom at my mom 's , so I can 't get into the bedroom . " " So I thought I 'd go to the casino and spend $ 20 while I wait for you to get home from work . I 'm on my way right now . " ( remember we lock our bedroom door because DD had stolen from us years ago . . . ) . BIG RED FLAG BIG . BIG . And I told him so . I said , " you 've got that spending sound in your voice again . " " I don 't think it 's a good idea . " " You can 't afford to be throwing away money at the casino . " " Why don 't you go home and just doze on the couch until I get home ? " He said , " It 's only $ 20 . " Me : " I 'm afraid that won 't be the case . " DH : " Well , I can 't spend any of that other money , my mom gave me that especially for gas . There 's no way I could spend her money like that . " Me : ( Thinking about when his mom had given him $ 1200 for the bankruptcy , and he spent it all , after saying tPosted by I 'm feeling really overwhelmed today ( and yesterday too ) . Over the weekend , DH went to his mom 's to ( purportedly ) do some work and get paid for it . That left me with DD and work too . Luckily , I was able to put DD to bed at 9pm on the weekend nights , and then go to work , so there wasn 't too much opportunity for her to get into trouble . . . . but I still worry so much leaving her like that . . . I know she 's 15 , but still . . . . Anyhow , that was the start of it , and then I had a bad night at work - - one of my coworkers left me a not - very - nice note that basically said I wasn 't doing my job . Not just a " you forgot to do this " but really not nice . But the thing she was complaining about was a tiny trivial thing - - I forgot to empty the wastebasket in the office and , according to her , " It was overflowing " . It was true , I had forgotten about the office , because most people , myself included , don 't go in there at all - - it 's for administration - - filling out forms , reading mail , etc . When I went into the office after I got that note , there were about 5 pieces of computer paper crumpled up in the wastebasket . And it looked like a couple of pieces of paper had been thrown on the floor to get the point across that it was overflowing and all that . In the real world , if the five pieces of paper were that upsetting , most people would have just pushed them down to the bottom of the wastebasket to make more room . . . . I had to fight with myself to keep my sarcastic replies to myself . I wrote an email that was much nicer than I thought she deserved , saying that I messed up , thanks for the heads - up , etc . , basically not pointing out that she probably spent more energy and time writing that note than she would have if she had just dealt with the situation . This is the same person who , one time when I filled in for her , was being checked up on by the director , because they suspected that she was sleeping on her overnight shifts . When the director showed up at 2am and saw me , she said , " Oh you 're not the one we were checking up on , " and without directly sayiPosted by In the last week or so , I 've seen " That Guy " make brief appearances several times . He left very quickly ( thank goodness ) , though , and DH was sorry afterwards . One day , DD was just being herself and doing a normal kid thing , she wanted to have a friend overnight . We told her no , I had to work , and DH was going to a meeting ( Emotions Anonymous ) , and since nobody would be home to supervise , we suggested next weekend instead . DD handled it well , but then a few hours later she started with " how about if my friend comes over and we just stay in my room all the time ? " " How about if you call my friend 's parents up and ask them if I can go over there for a couple of hours then she can come over to our house later ? " And " That Guy " came out and instead of just saying " No , it 's already been settled , sorry . " This cold voice came out and started berating her for arguing and for not considering other people , and " yes , we 'll just call your friend 's parents up , and then we 'll have Mom stay home from work , and I 'll cancel my meeting , and then you 'll stop arguing , right ? " and DD looked a little shocked , and started to defend herself , and that made things worse . DH said , " I need to drive into town . " I asked him if he had his Lorazepam ( remember he takes that to fend off mood swings and panic attacks ) . He said it was in his car . I said , " You probably want to use it . " He came home about a half hour later . I was fuming at That Guy and very worried too . He said , " I need to ask you something . Did I overreact ? " I said , as kindly as I could , " Yes , I think you probably did . " Anyhow , that led to a conversation where I asked him if he had been taking all of his meds like he was supposed to . He couldn 't lie to me , and he told me that no , he had stopped taking the Seroquel . I asked him about the Lithium , and he swears he has not missed that except for the time or times when he forgot to take it , he didn 't on purpose miss any of that . I hope that after our talk , he sees that he really does still need these pills . There will be more discussions , for Posted by

I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . She 's not strong . At all . In fighting she 's one of the first to be taken out , but her running skills and being agile helps so that she won 't get pumbled . She is very much like her mother in appearance . She has the same facial features as Lilo did at her age , same tan skin . The only differences are that , since her father had blonde hair and blue eyes , Ava has the same . Her blonde hair and blue eyes , along with her tan skin , got her teased a lot as a child , but she quickly got over that . Again , surfing is something she loves and has a talent for . Building things as well . She can build something with very little instructions . She 's also very good at talking her way out of trouble . She is very clumsy . This tends to get her in trouble a lot actually . She 's constantly falling and tripping over things . She also is horrible at cooking . She 's claustrophobic . Tight and small spaces , as well as being in the dark , scare her . She doesn 't know why , but this is just a major fear of hers . Background of how Lilo had Ava : Lilo Pelkai and her husband Hampton Gemeni . When Lilo graduated high school , she went off to college , where she met Hampton . Since both were going to college for Astronomy they hit it off rather quickly and fell in love . Though of course , after college , Lilo had to return home to Hawaii . Much to her surprise , a month after she returned , she got a call from him . He had missed her so much , that , if she would have him be there with her , he was going to move there . She agreed and the two hit it off right where they left off . Unknown to Hampton though , Lilo was working for a group called the United Galactic federation , along with her ' dog ' Stitch . It was only after they were engaged that Lilo revealed the truth to him , wanting him to know about her secret life before they were married . After the initial shock , he came to terms with it and they were married a year later when Lilo was twenty three . Hampton even just a few years after their marriage , began helping with Lilo 's work and even joined the federation himself . When Lilo turned twenty five she gave birth to Ava and had to keep her work on the down low , even keeping Stitch out of sight , to protect her daughter . Never once in her life did she ever let Ari know the truth . She feared it would put her daughter in danger , something she would not risk . Ava 's Biography : Ava was pretty much an average girl . She grew out kind of an outcast . With her tan skin and golden blonde hair and blue eyes , people made fun of her . They always either said she dyed her hair to make it that color or spent too much time in the sun . Though , despite her sadness in being picked on so much , Ava found comfort in her mother , who told her differences are what made us unique . Her mother made her feel good about herself so that bullies didn 't really bother her . Despite having an average American father , she was very much raised in her Hawaiian culture as well . She grew up knowing all about Ohana and what it meant to be family . During the summers , while her parents When Ava turned eighteen , a month after she graduated high school and while she was out at her Aunt 's house , she got news that both her mother and father had died in a ' plane crash ' . The devastated girl couldn 't find it in her to return home after that and stayed in Hawaii with her aunt . Her parents were both buried in Hawaii as well , that being her mother 's birth place and her father stating in the will he wanted to buried with her . In the will , Ava was left an old house in Hawaii , where her mother used to live . It is there that Ava will be moving into and where she will be staying for the remainder of her college life in Hawaii . Little does she know that there is a little blue alien in that house and the two are about to cross paths and start an all new journey . It was so hard to believe that they were gone . Her parents had been such a big part of her life and now she would never see them again . Their funeral was nice , she made sure of that , but it was difficult for her to sit through . She felt everyone glancing her way with looks of pity and such . She didn 't want that . But they did it anyway . The only ones who probably really cared about how she felt were her Aunt Nani and her husband David . She visited them every summer and had been with them when she heard the news that her parents were gone . They had done their best to comfort her and though it didn 't help really , it was nice that they put their best efforts in . But soon , she would just want to be alone . Alone to think . Alone to grieve . Just alone in general to do whatever she wanted without another person saying she needed to act a different way . She wanted to get over her parents in her own way and in her own time . That was why , when Nani approached her with the will of her parents and said they had left her some old house there in Hawaii , Ava was willing to take the place as her new home . Obviously it would need work , as it hadn 't been lived in in many years , but she could do it . It would just take time . And so , here she was , riding with her aunt in her car to this house and when they pulled up , she looked up at it , studying it form the distance , " What 's the big sphere ? " Nani grinned and shrugged , " You 're parents were astronomers . What do you expect ? It 's where they studied the stars at night in . This also used to be our house when your mother was a little girl . Even then she was interested in the stars . She would spend hours with that thing opened up , just staring up at the sky at night . " She smiled and lead her inside , " I know its a little dirty . But its still very sturdy . Not much work needs to be done other than some cleaning . " Nani nodded , " Yeah , but we 'll get it done . Unfortunately , I can 't help today . I have to be at work in half an hour . But I 'll come by tomorrow morning to help you out . " Her aunt hugged her and kissed the top of her head , " Love you , Ava . You take care . " She nodded and hugged her back before watching her leave , the young woman alone in this new place . She sighed in the silence and looked around , " What a weird place . " She smiled , " Heh , but then again , my mother wasn 't exactly normal , so this place fits her well . " She figured , before she started cleaning , she should explore a bit and walked around to each room , looking in . Then , came the last room . The bedroom up in the sphere . She went up to the room hesitantly , an unsure look on her face , looking around as she walked around all the boxes and such piled in the room , rubbing her arms , " This place is creepy . No wonder they moved away from this place . " Of course , that wasn 't the real reason her parents moved , but she didn 't know that , all she knew was that this room gave her the creeps , yet she found herself too interested to not explore around in it , moving boxes and such as she looked around , a curious look on her face . ​ ​ Stitch was devastated learning that Lilo had died in a plan crash . He knew why he hadn 't really seen her in years was to protect Lilo 's daughter but he never had really gotten to meet her . He had called Jumba and Pleky to come to Lilo 's funeral the three hidden in the trees but still there to pay there respects . Stitch was in tears but not as bad as aunt Pleky who was just balling . Stitch noticed there was one person everyone seemed to be trying to cheer up the most he wanted to go try and confert them as well but knew what Lilo might say . Soon Stitch went to see Jumba and Pleky off for there return home . He would then return to his own home and grieve his own way . Lilo had left him her favorite doll when she left and he had his first book with her picture in it from when they had there adventures and the day before she let . Stitch sitting soon heard a car pull up then went to where Lilo told him to hide if he ever needed he peaked out the window seeing Nani . Immediately he grabbed his few things and Jumba 's computer and went to hide . What he would do when he was hungry Stitch new he 'd have to be really good at staying hidden . Stitch heard Nani leave but he stayed not sure if the girl with her had as well . Soon he heard footsteps in the house he stayed in the room he and Lilo once shared . Hearing someone enter he throw his book and the doll in a box and climbed high trying to have an advantage to stay hidden and out of sight . ​ I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . " This place is going to need a lot of cleaning up . " Ava whispered to herself as she moved about the boxes . She didn 't want to get rid of anything in here though . After all , it did belong to her parents . But , then again , maybe she could just move them all down to the basement . That way it would still be here , but it wouldn 't be taking up space in the observatory . She didn 't know what exactly she could use the observatory for , but surely she could find some use for it . And so , nodding to herself , she set to work , carrying everything , box by box , down to the basement , which took quite a while . Soon though , she was done and smiled to herself , going back up tot he room with a broom in hand , as well as a clear container that carried other cleaning supplies . She began sweeping the dusty floors , when she heard a slight scratching sound on the wood of the floors , growing a little nervous . Ava hated animals such as mice and rats , so hearing that sound and knowing a house as old as this might have them , she was terrified . Carefully , broom turned upside down as if to swing it , she began searching about , tiptoeing through the room until she heard the sound again , this time coming from under the bed . Huffing and out of breath , she looked down to see it wasn 't a rat . At least , she didn 't think it was . It looked more like a strange dog . A wild dog that had snuck into the house ? How had it even got in here ? Of course , she had completely forgotten about the doggy door . She would have to seal that thing up later . For now she had to figure out what to do about this thing first . Maybe she could call somebody ? She nervously looked around , seeing she had left her phone across the room and there was no way she was going to reach it without letting the thing out . Great . Maybe she could make a run for her phone ? She looked down at the thing inside . Was it fast ? She hoped not . Looking back to her phone , she hopped off of the container and dashed toward it , scooping it up and then , seeing the thing had gotten out , she rushed over to the bunk beds , climbing up to the top one . Surely it couldn 't climb up there , right ? After all , dogs couldn 't climb that well . Then she began dialing Nani 's number . She only got voice mail , but at least she could leave a message for her to get there as soon as she got off of work , " Nani ? ! You have to come here as quick as you can ! T - There 's a . . . a thing here ! " Stitch had noticed the girl begin to clean so he had begun to slowly make his way for under the bed . He knew if it was Lilo 's daughter as Lilo may wish he had to try and continue to stay hidden . It took a while more than he hoped being where she started and seemed to go . Finally before the last box was gone he had made it under the bed . He waited hoping she wasn 't coming back but then heard steps once more . He didn 't move or well not for a while . Stitch sat till he was curious and hopeful that the girl left . He went to peak out and seeing her he scurried back hoping she didn 't see him . Stitch wasn 't thinking of the noise he might had made . Then he tried to see if she had left yet avian once more seeing he was wrong . Yet again he scurried back under hiding farther in behind in the bed . This time he soon saw feet approaching the bed . Stitch was silent or as silent as the alien could be . He was still breathing slightly but he hoped not enough to be heard . Soon she saw it seemed he girl bend down to try and see under the bed Stitch moved backing as far into the wall as he could . Then he saw the broom stick moving a bit then finally Stitch had to get out . He went as fast as he could on all fours trying to escape but then a bucket had caught him . " Ohhh " He commented quietly in the bucket . He saw that she seemed to look through barely . He was quiet not sure what to say or do . Act like a dog came to mind but he wasn 't sure . Sitting Stitch tried to think of a means of escape maybe lift the bucket but then he may reveal Lilo 's secret and Stitch didn 't want to do that . He sighed and sat down waiting . Stitch was glad he chose to wait for soon the bucket was lifted . He then ran as fast as he could disappearing . He had climbed to Lilo 's old bed hoping the girl wouldn 't follow and hid behind the old pillow now curled up to try and blend in as if he might be a pillow too . Then again maybe he might seem like a breathing pillow . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . Ava wasn 't sure what to do at this moment . Nani wasn 't answering her phone and she had some sort of weird animal loose in her house . Worst of all , it was loose in her house and she had no idea where it was . After she left the message with with her aunt , Ava nervously hung up the phone and looked around trying to see where the thing could have went . She didn 't see it anywhere on the floor though . Maybe it left and went back out the doggie door ? At that thought she relaxed just a little bit . Yes , that 's what happened . After all , weren 't animals more scared of humans than humans were of them ? Well , sometimes . With dogs one never knew , but it was hopeful thinking . Slipping the phone into her pocket she sighed a little . Maybe she should have calmed down before calling Nani . She was probably going to freak when she heard the message . Biting down on her bottom lip she raked her long blonde hair from her face and set the broom down beside her , laying back on the bed , head resting on the white pillow . She rolled over , trying to get comfortable as she instead hugged the pillows to herself now . She layed there like that a moment when she realized one of the pillows , which she had thought might be just a fuzzy pillow , was breathing . Giving out a frightened squeal she sat up moving to the other side of the bed to see the little blue creature sitting there , her eyes wide as she gripped hold of the broom once more , holding it as if to hit the animal if it came too close to her . Even getting a better look at it now she still wasn 't sure what it was exactly . It looked kind of like a dog , but at the same time it didn 't look like a dog at all . But if it wasn 't a dog , then just what was this thing ? Maybe it was a dog that had been in some sort of accident . Well , either way she had to be careful . No telling what it might do . She held her breath in tension as she sat there , hands tight on the broom as she watched it carefully , waiting for it to do something . Stitch wasn 't sure what to do . He sat curled waiting hearing the girl try and call someone . He wasn 't sure if voicemail was a good thing . He tried thinking why he hid here on the bed behind the pillow . Stitch wondered if he might get a chance to hid somewhere better soon . He stayed curled with the hope she would leave soon . Perhaps clean , maybe Nani would come back . Stitch wasn 't sure what else to think knowing no one really came here . Well not much before other than Jumba and Plekly when he called . Then long ago it was him and Lilo . He just stayed trying to breath as quietly as possible . A waiting his chance . Stitch soon felt something on him . He froze but still breathed . He stayed a while hoping she wouldn 't realize he wasn 't a normal pillow . Stitch heard a frightened scream and then felt the girl move . The noise bothered him enough he unraveled he now stared at her . He wasn 't sure what to say or do . He though within his mind unsure of telling the truth . Stitch wanted to know what Lilo might think . Finally he sat up a little bravely . He extended his hand to wave . " Oh uh . . . Hi " He stated . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . Did it just . . . . just . . . . talk ? Ava sat there , clutching the broom tighter in her hands as she stared at it in shock . Just what was this thing ? Animals shouldn 't talk ! It was impossible ! Clearly this thing was some sort of mutated dog or something if it was able to do such a thing . The question was , what was she going to do with it ? So far if her screaming and all hadn 't chased it off , then there was probably no chance of her ever chasing it off . Call animal control maybe ? No , animal control might see it and think something was wrong with it and put it down . She didn 't want to live with that guilt . Well , it didn 't seem too threatening . It looked at her in a friendly way at least . Should she try talking to it ? Would it be okay for her to do that ? Carefully and hesitantly she set the broom down beside her , being sure to keep it in her reach to where if she needed it she could grab it in a second . Then , once it was out of her hands , she scooted just a little closer to it , though she still kept her distance at the same time , just in case , " Ummmm , hi ? " # 7 Stitch was silent he wasn 't sure how bad he may have messed up . He wondered if Lilo were here if she would be mad . Stitch wondered if there was something else he could have said . Wof came to mind but he was pretty sure most normal dog 's couldn 't climb or be this high without help . He noticed like him it seemed the girl was thinking . He hoped he wouldn 't get into to much trouble being here . When Nani though finds out he wasn 't sure what she would say or do with him . He wasn 't sure what she would tell the girl either . Stitch didn 't move closer he just stayed waiting to see what she would do . He watched as she seemed to put down the broom or well enough it wasn 't in her hand . He hoped not to get hit again it didn 't hurt much but he didn 't like when he had gotten hit before . Then he noticed her come a little closer but still stayed away to have distance from him . Then she replied to him by saying hi . Stitch began to think of what else to say . He knew if he asked why Nani brought her here it may seem like he knew to much . He didn 't want to ask about Lilo that he felt would just make him sad and maybe end up getting him in more trouble than he was . " Um . . . Stitch " He said pointing toward himself deciding maybe an introduction would be a little wise being he wasn 't sure where to take the conversation . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . It took her a long moment to realize that when the strange creature pointed to itself and said ' Stitch ' that it was likely it meant that was its name . A strange name for a strange little creature . It kind of fit . Brushing her hair back from her face , she nodded , " Nice to meet you . . . . Stitch . I 'm Ava . " She said pointing to herself for emphasis just as it had done . She had no idea how itelligant or unintelligant this thing might be , so it might be best to be as simple as possible with it until she found that out . Sitting down now , she sat cross - legged in front of the creature , looking at it with curiosity on her face , about to ask something when she heard her phone begin to ring , Nani 's name coming up on the screen . Reaching down she quickly answered the phone and put it to her ear , motioning with a finger to her lips for the creature to be quiet for now , " Hello ? " " Ava ? What 's wrong ? I got a message about something in the house ? " Nani started , her voice full of urgency at the way Ava had sounded in such a panic earlier . " Blue ? . . . oh no . " There was a sigh on the other side of the phone , " Oi . . . look , I just , I can 't leave work right now . But , trust me , Stitch is not going to hurt you . Just , hold out until I can get there after work . And don 't hurt him Ava . I have to go now . " " What do you mean ? How do you know its name ? Nani ? ! This isn 't making any sense ! " Ava said desperately , but Nani hung up without giving her any answers , leaving the girl so confused . Sighing she set the phone down once more and looked to the little blue thing , " Ummm . . . . . that was . . . . my Aunt Nani . . . . she . . . . do you . . . . . . do you know her ? " Stitch stayed with his hand at himself for a long time waiting for the girl to reply then hearing her name gave a smile . He smiled . " Ava " He repeated taking in her name . Soon he heard the phone ring and his ears fell . He knew if it was Nani he may later be in a lot of trouble . Stitch then listened to the conversation hearing Nani sound worried made Stitch quiet . Then hearing the two . The word creepy made Stitch glance at himself he only had two hands and feet at the moment so he didn 't see what she meant . " Stitch not creepy " He replied quietly . " Is Stitch ? " He seemed to be asking himself more than Ava . He countine to hear Nani and the sigh made Stitch once more not sure what to think . He felt if Lilo found out she might be mad at him . Then he looked at Ava when she asked if he knew Nani . He gave a nod . " Ick " He replied . " Yeah Stitch knows Nani " He answered . " Nani 's probable going to be upset with Stitch now . " He said thinking of what lecture he could be given . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . When Stitch looked at himself and asked , more to himself it seemed , if he was creepy , because of how she had described him , it made her feel kind of bad . So , apparently he could understand most of the things she was saying then . But she couldn 't have said anything to him , such as apologize or anything like that because Nani was still talking to her on the phone at the time and by the time she got off of the phone the subject had moved on to Stitch knowing who Nani was and how , from what he was saying , Nani was probably going to be upset at him , most likely for talking to her . But why ? Why was Nani going to be upset that this little blue creature was talking to her ? And more importantly , how did her Aunt Nani even know such a creature in the first place . Her Aunt had always seemed the type of person that wanted everything to be normal and everything to have a plan . And this little creature definitely was not normal . Also , from what she had seen of it randomly being here and running around like it did , keeping a plan with it probably wouldn 't go so well either . It didn 't make sense that she was friends with someone that was basically the personification of everything that annoyed her . So many questions came to her mind but none of them were going to be answered until her Aunt Nani got off work , and so , all there was to do was wait . " Don 't worry Stitch . Nani doesn 't stay angry very long usually . Everything will be fine . " She said , giving him a smile . Now , what was there to do when you had a little blue animal with you ? She tried to think , but it seemed her growling stomach chose for her , " Well . . . Stitch . Nani won 't be back for another few house . Let 's go get some lunch . " It was almost one in the afternoon and she had yet to eaten all day . That was a good idea , right ? But , could she take him out in public ? She thought about that for a moment . Maybe she could pass him for a dog like she had first thought he was . She stood up and went to the door , opening it up , looking down at him , " Well ? Is that a yes or no ? Or course , if you don 't want to , I can always bring you something back ? " Stitch waited while it seemed Ava was thinking what to do . He wasn 't to sure himself . He knew it was probable a good thing Jumba and Pleky weren 't here anymore . That would had made things a lot harder to hide and well explain . He knew the most explanation would be explained probable by Nani . He would help if he could but more or less he still expected her to have some form of punishment planed for him even if it would be minor . Then Ava told Stitch to not worry and he seemed to smile . " Eh " He replied with a shrug . " Not long but enough for a lecture " He replied still not sounding all to for Nani getting off but that he would be okay having the reminder she never stayed mad long . Him and Lilo usually was the longest him more than Lilo he always thought but probable because he was the original cause when the two got into trouble . Hearing Ava 's stomach growl Stitch looked at Ava and listened to her suggestion on food . He thought a moment then stood . " Alright " He answered . He figured it may not be the best idea but most people knew him around town so the truth coming out couldn 't be to bad right ? Maybe all would be okay and if he spotted someone who may say something causing them trouble he could just seem to act like the two hadn 't met . No harm there right ? He watched her head to the door then repeat the question . He nodded . " Coming " He replied and then climbed down off the bed and headed to the door . He hoped all would be alright . Or at least long enough for Nani to help explain . ​ I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . When he agreed to come along , Ava nodded and allowed him to walk along beside her . She at first wondered if this was a good idea . Would people say anything about him ? Was she supposed to have him on a leash ? After all , if he did kind of look like a dog , then wouldn 't that be what they had to do ? Yet , as she looked around while they were walking through the town , no body said anything . In fact , there was a small amount of recognition on some of their faces when they saw Stitch . Some of the older people , she noticed , would smile and wave to the little blue creature . Strange . Just strange . She looked down at him in curiosity before they finally got to where they were going . It was a small cafe where you ordered you food from the window outside and you could choose to take the food inside to eat , or eat it outside at the tables there . She would have preferred to eat inside , but she wasn 't exactly sure if that would fly with the dog like creature at her side . So , once she had the food and had payed for it , went over to one of the outdoors tables and sat down . She set the food down in front of him and began eating her food silently . It was getting some what awkward with this silence between them . And one thing for certain , this was sure going to feel like a long day . Once the two were finished eating , she began leading him down the road to the house once again . Once she was there , she looked down at him , " Alright , now , I have cleaning up I have to do , so just , relax ? Or whatever else you want to do . " With that , she went to work , cleaning and wiping things off , trying to get the house back into working order . The house was rather big though , and so it would take a long time before she would actually be done with it . After a while , she decided that was enough for the day and made her way outside , having not really looked around outside when she first got here . Out in the back yard , she found an old , but still in good shape , hammock . She smiled at this and went over to it , lighting the touches that were beside it and sat down on it . This was a really nice place to think . She sighed and leaned back , staring up at the stars before she reached in her pocket , bringing out a small family photo of herself and her mother and father . Nani sighed , " Let me tell you a little story . Well , a big story actually . You see , right after our parents died , I kind of had to step up and be a parent and a sister to Lilo all in one . But , that also meant I had to work . A lot . And so , I had no time to really spend with Lilo . She got really lonely and didn 't really have any friends . So , one night , I thought , ' what could be a better friend to her than a dog ? ! ' " Nani laughed , " Boy was I in over my head , because of course Lilo would choose the strangest dog in the whole place . The lady even said he had been hit by a truck earlier that morning . Oi , was I freaked out . " She shrugged , " But Lilo wanted him , so I got him . Well , she payed for him after borrowing money from me , but you get the gist . That little monster was horrible . Stealing food from the fridge at night , made me loose my job , made it so I couldn 't find another job . I wanted to just toss him out or at least send him back to the shelter . " Sighing , she smiled and continued , " But , your mother wouldn 't have that . She went on to remind me that Stitch was ohana and that he belonged with us no matter what he did . Turns out , what he was ended up being more of a problem than anything he did . You see , Stitch was . . . different . He 's not a like we had thought . He wasn 't a dog . Never was . Stitch . . . . as hard as it may be to believe , is a genetic experiment made by an alien . " Ava looked at Nani like she was crazy and Nani held up her hands , " I know , I know . Its weird how I can say that with such ease now , as though its perfectly normal . But , I 've also been around him for years now . Long story short , the people who made him and people that wanted him locked up , came here to try and take him away . But , once again , your mother was stubborn in wanting to keep him , and to be honest , I didn 't want to see him go either . " She laughed softly , " Lilo guilted the alien trying to take him , saying how she bought him and the alien would be stealing if she took Stitch away . And so , they let Stitch stay . " She looked over at Ava once more , " He 's been apart of our Ohana ever since . He was very important to your mother . The two of them were together so much . Even after you were born . Your mother never told you much about her work , did she ? " Ava shook her head and Nani continued , " Both your mother and father worked for the aliens , along side Stitch , for the United Galatic Federation . In other words , this big alien council made up of a bunch of weird aliens bent on protecting peace in the universe . Those times you were left with babysitters or with me while your parents went on business trips ? That was her going off with Stitch and your father on missions . Ava looked at her wide eyed , her eyes filling with tears , " W - what . . . . but you said . . . . you said it was in a plane crash ! " Nani hugged her , " I know , I know , I just . . . . didn 't know how to tell you the truth . The three of them , your mother , father , and Stitch were infiltrating a ship . I wasn 't told exactly what happened , but . . . there was an explosion and . . . . . they didn 't make it . " " Stitch is indestructible . The only thing that can kill him is water because he can 't swim in it . Ava . . . . I know this is hard for you to take in . . . . but . . . . you have to realize , Stitch , he 's Ohana . He 's Ohana to me . He was Ohana to your mother . And , he 's your Ohana too . " " I don 't want any more Ohana , Nani . The more Ohana , the more . . . . the more chance I have of loosing someone again . . . " She whispered , sinking back down into the hammock , staring down at the picture of her mother and father again . " Oh , baby . " Once again , Nani hugged her , " You can 't be so stuck on loosing people that you shut yourself off . If you do that , then you 'll always be alone . You have to let new people in . You have to try , Ava . Promise me you 'll give this a chance ? " With a sniffle , Ava nodded and Nani kissed her forehead before standing up , " I 'll come back again tomorrow to check on you . " With that , Nani began walking off , stopping just a little way from the house to see Stitch there . Kneeling down , Nani smiled at him and petted his head gently , " Hey Stitch . . . " She looked over her shoulder to where Ava was , the girl crying softly and holding onto that picture with a death grip , then looked back to him , " Look . . . . what you did . . . yes it was what we had decided against . . . and right now I can 't say if it was a good thing or not , but . . . . . but maybe it was . I won 't be around forever . And with Lilo gone , that would leave Ava all alone . And it would leave you all alone too . . . . maybe . . . . this was meant to happen ? Instead of you two being alone , you two would have each other . Maybe , in the end , Lilo would have wanted you two to know each other . . . . just . . . . Take care of her , okay ? She really needs a friend right now . " Despite how this was not supposed to happen . How Stitch wasn 't supposed to ever be around Ava . Maybe this wasn 't bad . Maybe this was how it was meant to be . So that neither Ava or Stitch wouldn 't be alone ? She wasn 't sure , but having Stitch watch out for Ava would definitely make Nani feel better , " Will you do that for me Stitch ? " Stitch figured being in town was fine and when they entered he felt he had been right . He waved to those who waved and just walked past those who just seemed to give some acknowledgment of him being there . He was glad no one asked who the two were with or at least not yet . Stitch watched Ava go get her food and he had grabbed him some as well . The man didn 't seem to ask if Stitch was with her or alone and just seemed to cover his . Then Stitch followed Ava to where she picked and carried his food and sat it down at the table . Soon after Ava had begun Stitch was settled and did the same . It seemed to stay silent for a while . Stitch didn 't have really anything to say . He expected a few questions but instead the seemed to eat in silence . Stitch followed Ava back toward the house . When Ava mention cleaning but he didn 't have to he seemed to smile and nod . " Okay " He replied . Stitch figured Nani may be here soon but wasn 't quit yet ready to go look he figured the two may prefer talking alone for a while . Stitch sat and read his book he seemed to re - read it a few times . Then looked at the picture when him and Lilo were together the had a few one of his favorites was when it was him , Lilo , Nani , Jumba , and Pelky in it . From Lilo 's childhood . Stitch while looking at Lilo 's picture remembered the latest mission they were meant to go on . When she was younger he always managed to save her . He continued to for a while until now . He was not able to at least for Lilo being his size was now to small to cover her completely . He sighed and put the picture in the book and once more traveled up stairs and put it up . Coming back down he wiped his hand at his eyes tears had been there but now he felt he really messed up . Lilo had been trying to keep him from Ava and now Stitch felt he screwed up . A second time . Stitch feeling Nani had to be here went outside and saw the two at the hammock so he sat like he did when Lilo and Nani had there sister talks . He smiled when Nani petted his head . The his ears drooped at her first words on it being against what they all decided . Then hearing the rest Stitch looked up at Nani . " Stitch didn 't mean to go against what Lilo wanted . " He stated a little quietly . " But you think it may be okay Stitch accidentally did . " He repeated her words well sort of . Then at Nani 's question Stitch nodded . " Stitch will look after Ava . " He replied with a smile . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . " I know you didn 't mean to . Sometimes these things just happen . I 'm sure Lilo would have understood . " She was sure of that . After all , Stitch was Lilo 's best friend . They couldn 't expect to keep him from Ava forever , " Thank you Stitch . " Nani smiled and petted his head one last time before standing up , " I 'll be back tomorrow afternoon . Keep her out of trouble until then . " With that Nani left , leaving for the night . Ava stared down at the picture in her hand for the longest time as she sat there . She heard the soft voices of Stitch and Nani talking , but she really didn 't hear what they were saying . She was too caught up in her own thoughts . Of how she missed her parents . Of how she wanted things to go back to normal . She wanted anything to see her mother again and hug her , or to go out on father - daughter nights with her father . She just wanted things back to the way they were . Where she was with Ohana and everything was okay . She hugged the photo closely to her and closed her eyes tightly . She missed her mother rather terribly and as much as she loved Nani , her mother had always been able to get her out of any slump she had . But she supposed all she had was Nani now . She continued to cry softly , holding the picture to her . Stitch nodded . Tomorrow afternoon . That shouldn 't be to much trouble should it . He was glad Nani spoke to him it made Stitch feel a little better . " Okay Nani . Stitch will watch Ava . See you tomorrow . " He waved . Stitch turned after Nani had left and he no longer could hear the car . He could see Ava where Nani had left her . He wasn 't sure but felt he may should go see if she was alright . For a moment he held both hands together as if he wasn 't sure taking a breath he went over near her but keep distance like he did with Lilo when she was upset and he wasn 't sure what he should do . " Ava going to be alright ? " He asked quietly still staying what he felt was a respectful distance . ​ I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . Ava said there , her eyes closed tightly and holding the picture close to her , when she heard someone speak to her . She opened her eyes and looked up to see none other than Stitch standing there . She looked away for a moment and nodded , " I . . . I think so . " She motioned for him to get on the hammock if he wanted and waited until he had crawled over to her , curling up in her lap . Carefully and hesitantly , the girl rested her hand on his head and began to stroke his blue fur , brushing most of the dust off of him that had gotten on him from the house in the process . Then , after a moment , Ava picked him up and found herself hugging him close to her , feeling tears escape her eyes once more . It wasn 't for any reason really that she hugged him . Even though she hadn 't heard Nani say that to Stitch , it was pretty obvious what Nani had said to him had been true . She right about Ava just needing a friend . Someone to be there for her . And it seemed like Stitch needed the same thing . After all , he had just lost his best friend and a huge piece of his Ohana . Them two being kind of shoved together , this was best for both of them . They could be there for each other when no one else really could . Just like now . Stitch didn 't say anything after she said he could join her he simply crawled on up to the hammock and sat a moment . He tried to think what to say then felt her hand pet him a moment his ears naturally dropping a bit letting him feel some comfort . Then he simply stayed still letting Ava lift him when she went to hug him he moved his arms to hug her back . He had needed one since the indecent with Lilo . He had never said anything to anyone about it . Even now he was rather quiet when she began to cry . Stitch moved his head more into Ava . " Stitch sorry " He said in a whisper . I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . Ava continued to cry for a moment longer , hugging Stitch close to her and when his head nuzzled against Ava , Ava nuzzled her head against his as well , a small yet sad smile on her face as she tried to get herself to stop crying . Finally she sat him back down and began wiping the last of the tears from her face , " And . . . I 'm sorry too Stitch . " She looked down at him , " She was my mother , but she was also your best friend . You must miss her just as much as I do . " She once again ran a gentle hand over his head , thinking back to her mother . Her mother had always been such a happy person , always finding the bright side of things . Ava had always wished to be like that , but she must have had some of her father 's personality too ( or as her mom used to say , she had some of Nani in her too ) because it was usually hard to do that . Yet , in this situation , she was able to find one good thing out of all this grief and that was Stitch . Growing up and moving around a lot with her parent 's jobs had been tough , with her really unable to keep friends long . And she was never allowed a pet , due to restrictions at some of the places they would stay not allowing pets ( after all , they didn 't just want to get one , only to have to get rid of it during their next move ) . So , having Stitch here with her was not only a good way for her to have , hopefully , a lasting friend and pet all in one , it would also help to make her less lonely and maybe get her mind off of missing her parents . Carefully , so as not to knock him off of the hammock , she stood up then reached down to pick him up and hold him close to her as she walked toward the house , " Come on Stitch , let 's go head to bed . We have a long day of cleaning up the rest of the house tomorrow . " Walking inside and up the stairs , she made it to the observatory , the only room she had cleaned completely and had washed the bedding in and set him down , " Alright , you can sleep . . . . well , where ever you want I suppose . I don 't mind . " With that , she crawled into bed on the top bunk , trying to fall asleep . Stitch continued to hug Ava . He felt her head soon nuzzle his he was quiet for a while once more . Hearing Ava 's words he thought a moment what to say . When Ava asked if he missed Lilo Stitch nodded . " A lot " He replied simply not sure what else could explain how much he missed Lilo . There was so much of his life he wasn 't sure he could imagine without her . Now he still wasn 't sure but he knew he would make sure to take care of Ava like Nani asked being he messed up which to him he felt like was the second time . Stitch was fine that he met Ava even when he wasn 't suppose to let her see him . But it was a secret Stitch never was sure how he would keep . He loved her just as much as he had Lilo . He smiled at her feeling the same confert Lilo had given him . He hoped Nani was right that he could stay with Ava and all would be fine . Stitch watched Ava get up then when she picked him up he smiled . He listened t her and nodded . He didn 't like the idea of cleaning but knew now that she knew of him and that he lived here . He of course would need to help . He always did help Lilo . When she mentioned he could sleep where ever he wanted . " Okay " He said . Stitch went got his pjs on like he always had when Lilo was around or by himself . Then headed up to the top bunk and noticed Ava . He wasn 't sure if he really might could sleep where ever but he maybe he could . He went up and laid down close to her head . ​ Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . 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We sit , backs against the concrete wall , eyes averted from the bars . Bea , with her soft hands and baffling vocabulary , is nothing like the rest of us , but that will not save her . The soldiers only care that we are not like them , however different we may be from each other . Bea 's only been in a few months . I 've been here four times that , but she 's already taken to staring at the opposite wall and not answering when she 's spoken to . How precious . She was a psychology student before it all started . I think she 's cracked . I saw the way they were looking at her this morning . Her sentence will soon be carried out . They take the weakest first . Weakest is the one thing no one has ever called me . Today Bea is talking . She is telling me about her mother . She speaks with an easy admiration I 've never heard my own daughter cast upon anyone . Bea 's mother was tall and graceful and defiant . It is , supposedly , the strength of her mother 's memory that sustains her . It sounds like her mother may have been a bit too high profile . Probably taken in the early days , and Bea sent to live with wealthy relatives . That 's how things usually happen for these elites . They are born with the privilege to choose whether or not to get involved with the problems the rest of us inherit - our only heirlooms . But it doesn 't matter . Bea will soon meet the same fate as everyone else . My own daughter doesn 't seek protection . She knows she can rely only on herself . No one has ever come to her rescue . I made sure of that . And there 's no reason for her to think anyone will now . With any luck she has lived long enough to lie about who she is and what she believes - to deny having any connection to me . She was always too clever for idealism . I tell Bea not to expect to hear the charges against her . Anyway , none of us are innocent . We 've all done something , even if it isn 't what they think . And , above all , our most undeniable crime is who we are and what we are not . What could I say in my defense ? The floor of the cell has grown sticky from those who piss themselves at the sound of the firing squad . We all do it . A woman gave birth yesterday : small - boned Melina , who has been talking trouble since she came to us . She is a real revolutionary . She arrived about the same time as Bea . Yesterday she had been talking about all the great things her child would grow up to be . Mel thought to be allowed to raise her child in prison up to a certain age , and planned to teach her the values of the struggle , or at least be allowed to hold her child close for the first few years of its life , because what kind of monsters would take an infant from a mother 's arms ? We all nodded . No one contradicted her . It is a blessing to have hope if you can . She was on her feet , fists raised , talking about all the wisdom she would bestow upon a daughter who would go on to change the world in her stead , and the water rushed from between her legs . The rest of us went to her side to help her through as best we could . It was a boy . They let her hold him for a full day before their sense of generosity gave out . She hasn 't spoken since they took him away this morning . Hope has a high cost , and only gets you so far . I am tempted to ask her if it was worth it . If she had known this pain was coming would she have done something to avoid it ? Does she feel any regret bringing a baby into the world as it is ? I keep thinking about the baby 's small hands closed into fists , his skin - and - bones body wrapped in pathetic scraps torn from the best parts of his mother 's stained skirt , her screaming through the pain of childbirth , and her screaming through the bars as he was taken away . I can 't imagine anything so small can have much hope of changing anything . Leaning against the wall next to me , Bea is mumbling poetry under her breath . I am using one impossibly long fingernail to scrape the dirt from under the others . It won 't be long before they arrive to bring us a meal , and as we are eating they will return to take someone away . This practice , killing one of us while the rest of us eat , would destroy our appetites if they did not keep us so very hungry . The thought of eating makes me feel both elation and nausea . I can 't quite make out Bea 's words , but I am trying to ignore her anyway . I am running out of dirt to scrape away . Bea raises her voice . She is talking real shit now - no more poetry . She tells about how , when she was ten years old , she got herself locked out on the rooftop of the university where her parents taught before everything collapsed . She was on a school break , and since her mother and father had to teach classes she was allowed to run around the campus like it was her personal playground . In one building , she found the stairs to the roof . It was the tallest building for miles around and she felt the power of the big sky belonging only to her . " On the rooftop , " she tells me , " I was the largest and strongest and wisest person on the earth . I could do anything . " She had been standing up there spying on ant people for hours before she tried the door to the stairwell again and realized there was no handle on the outside . She clawed at the stubborn steel . She cut her fingers trying to force them into the space between the door and the frame , and then exhausted herself hammering with her fists and calling for help . Finally she just sat cross - legged staring at her reflection in the burnished surface . She tells me she thought she could see her future as she sat there . As the sun set and left her in darkness , she imagined herself growing old on that rooftop . She would become part of the roof , sinking into the tar beneath her , and the roof would become part of her . She would lose herself . The stars came out one by one , but she only saw them in reflection because the door had become her whole world . She heard an owl call and imagined it was circling above her , hunting . The owl never struck , but by the time the moon was overhead the door opened and her parents were there , wrapping her in their arms . Her mother was shaking . She was fifteen before she started paying attention to the more important things her mother was making speeches about all across the country , she says . She comes home one night after a party with her friends and passes the doorway to the parlor . It looks like her mother is having yet another gathering of her students from the university . Tweed coats and denim jackets crowd the room . Bea wants to continue up the stairs unnoticed , being a little dizzy from champagne and hoping to hide it , but her mother spots her and gestures for her to sit down . As she lies with her mother 's arm wrapped around her , Bea listens to the ideas being passed back and forth between the great thinkers , about equality and land rights and education and religious freedom . A man sitting in the armchair catches her eye . He looks young enough to be one of her mother 's older students . He has dark , curly hair that grows in volume each time he runs his agitated fingers through it , which he does often and absentmindedly . As she listens , Bea is fighting sleep , so warm from the alcohol and her mother 's arm around her . Her eyelids droop . She tries to sit up straighter and stay awake . The man is looking at her , and winks . She feels the heat of a blush on her cheeks . It was dawn before the guests began to show themselves out . The man lingered , talking to Bea 's mother . He was a political writer , hoping she would read and comment on his latest book . Bea saw her mother place the manuscript on the mantle , but the man picked it up again and slipped it behind the encyclopedias on the bookshelf . " Emil , " the man said , offering his hand to Bea on his way out . It was warm , and he smiled and winked again before leaving . Bea said goodnight to her mother and pretended to go to bed , but slipped downstairs instead to retrieve the manuscript . She sat on the floor , curled up in the corner where one bookshelf met the wall , and Emil 's words brought life back to her champagne deadened senses . He did no more than describe what she could see with her own eyes walking through the city , but through his words she saw it all differently . She felt amazed . She felt angry . She felt guilty and she wanted to act - to show that she wasn 't part of the problem . The firing squad has been at it for a while now , though we are still waiting to be fed . Others have been taken to be executed , from other cells in other hallways . We do not know who has been taken , but we hear as each bullet takes a life . Bea turns her back to the bars , facing me , becoming a silhouette . She continues her story , and I only listen because there is nothing else to hear besides the gunfire . Bea says she finds out that Emil works for a small office , and she strays from her old routines so as to pass by his office daily . Every day she made up some excuse not to walk home from school with her friends , and passed alone by the newspaper . After a month of this she finally succeeds in having Emil spot her . He seems happy to see her , and invites her to have tea with him in the café on the corner , but she realizes this will be too much of a delay to explain to her mother , so she thanks him and continues on her way . She continues to walk past the newspaper on her way home each day . Sometimes she sees Emil , but she never stops longer than it takes to exchange a few words . A few months pass before Emil stops her and says he has permission from her mother to invite Bea for tea . Her jaw drops , which makes him laugh freely , but they proceed to the cafe . She tells him she 's read his book and was hoping to find some way to help , to make things better . He tells her that learning and reading more and opening her eyes are the most important things to do first . The rest will follow soon enough . She is not persuaded by his stay - in - school speech , however , and continues to press him . By the summer he has secured her an unpaid position running errands for the newspaper . This is how it happened . In the next few years she starts studying at the university , but in all of her free time she is running errands for the newspaper or drinking tea with Emil . Her mother is invited to travel to make speeches with more frequency , and Bea 's father was always one to spend days at a time at the university , often sleeping in his office , so it is Emil who checks in on Bea to see if she needs anything . Not long after that they are always together . They go to rallies . They distribute copies of Emil 's books . They stand on the street corners and argue with those yet to be awakened to the cause . He says he wants to marry her , but their plans are interrupted when Bea 's father disappears . Bea and her mother and Emil were gathered in the sitting room . They had heard of people disappearing , sometimes taken , sometimes going into hiding , but they couldn 't imagine why Bea 's introverted , mathematician father would meet this fate . They found out through a colleague that the soldiers , on what had become routine searches of the university , had discovered compromising papers in his office . " He probably never even knew they were there , " Bea says . " Some student probably left them for him and it never crossed his mind to either read them or to throw them away . " Emil wanted Bea 's mother to sell the house and let him take them away from the city , but Bea 's mother refused to be intimidated . She left an hour later to make another speech . She made three more speeches just that day , but she added to her usual script , including several accusations against the leaders of the country , calling them cowards and kidnappers . Torn between Emil 's appeals for caution and her mother 's cautions against sacrificing liberty for security , Bea chose her mother over Emil pretty quickly , put everything she had learned at the newspaper to use , and began distributing copies of her mother 's speeches all over the city . She stopped attending classes . She had no time for Emil and his constant pleas that she run away with him . Bea 's mother is arrested . There 's no mystery to this one . Bea and her mother are having dinner at home when the soldiers break down the door and take her away . Bea is left sitting at the dining room table looking at the chair where her mother used to be , two china plates stained by stewed tomatoes , while the soldiers tear up the house finding evidence of her mother 's subversion . Bea was still sitting at the table hours after the soldiers left , thinking they would return at any moment to take her away too . Emil arrived . He had heard . He wanted to know if now she would finally listen to him . She cursed Emil for suggesting that she would run and hide rather than fighting for the release of her mother and father . Emil told her that her father was surely dead , and her mother would be soon if she was not already . He told her she was too young - too naive . That was the last time they ever spoke . Then , Bea tells me , she became more determined than ever . She relentlessly sought assignments from all the major organizations . She ran secret messages across the city . She hid people in her home until they could be secreted out of town . She met a new man with a lot of ideas far more dangerous than Emil 's . She continued printing her mother 's speeches . Bea 's new boyfriend , Sid , was a bomb maker , she tells me . He was a chemistry genius . The cabinets of his shabby apartment were overflowing with commonplace materials that he knew how to combine for the purposes of death and destruction . She was attracted to how unapologetic he was - to the inarguable impact he was having . He introduces her to others in his circle and soon she has an alias and becomes the editor of their anti - government publications . It wasn 't much longer before the soldiers came for her . One day Sid disappeared , and a few days later it was her turn . Maybe she 's right . Maybe they would have arrested her anyway , and at least she did something to hurt them first . When they came for me , I made the mistake of asking what I had done . I had been so careful to do nothing . The soldiers would not answer me . I soon learned what I had in common with the others . We were poor . We said our prayers , though more out of habit than faith . We took care of our neighbors . Sometimes we had missed paying our taxes because we had to eat . There is only one main road that leads to the city from my home , and so we pass my daughter 's school on the way . She is there , out front with her friends . Almost all of them have mothers sitting in the truck with me . The fathers and brothers had been taken long ago . The girls collectively reach out their arms , raise their voices in a wail and run towards us , except my daughter , who lowers her head and goes back inside the school . They put us all in different cells . The women I was arrested with were not locked in with me , and most of the women I shared a cell with were not interested in talking . I found an empty space along the wall and sat . There was nothing to do but wait and breathe the stale air . Now and then someone felt compelled to tell her story , hoping the rest of us might be able to find where in it she went wrong . We kept track of the days by the light filtering through the doorway at the end of the hall outside the bars . That is how I know that almost a year passes before Bea is dragged in , screaming and biting , swearing revenge . She spends a few days making speeches to us , trying to rouse us to action , and shouting down the hall to where she imagines the soldiers are listening . She loses volume as the hunger and cold set in . Then one day she simply sinks to the floor on the wall beside me , falling silent for the first time . She is like that for many days , but then she starts telling me about her mother . A soldier arrives with our meal . We seem to have four assigned to us , and he is one of our regulars . He is at least as young as Bea , short and spindly , with shaggy black hair under his cap . He needs a haircut . Before I grew so hungry I could have knocked him over with a sneeze . His black eyes are utterly opaque in the shadows of the hallway . His skin is pale to the point of transparency , as if he sees less daylight than we do , and it is shiny with sweat . I am trying to imagine how I must look to his eyes . To me , he is an overgrown insect . He pushes the tray of bowls , filled with just enough bland mush to keep us alive , under the bars . Then he watches to see that we each take our own share and no one else 's . The penalty for stealing is immediate execution . This is identical to the penalty for saying we are hungry , or asking what the charges are against us , or showing disrespect in any way . Bea is frozen next to me . She does not reach for her bowl as the tray passes and the warm wetness on the floor tells me she has pissed herself again . " No hunger strikes , " I whisper to her , quoting the rules , the only safe words to say when the soldiers are listening , not that it 's anything to me . We 're all bound to die eventually . She continues to stare . The soldier has an announcement to make . " As of today we have purged our country of 12 , 000 . Another 20 , 000 await us in prison , and more are arrested every day . The future is bright . All hail General Lamb . " We salute automatically , with grave devotion . The almost empty tray is being passed back towards the bars and Bea finally reaches out to snatch her share . The soldier sniffs and walks away . We suck the mush out of the bowls , focused on sending it into our empty stomachs . There are no spoons . Perhaps we should be grateful for bowls - that they don 't just feed us out of troughs like animals . Bea is weeping now and won 't eat . " Sid used to call me fearless , " she says . My daughter knew things were getting bad long before I was able to understand . She came home one day after school , flushed . There had been soldiers there questioning everyone . " We have to be careful now , " she said . " The government suspects everyone , but especially the poor . " I told her that maybe if the general left the people to their land , there would be no need to suspect . " You can 't talk like that anymore , " Cece warned me . " They blame people like us for the country 's problems . That 's what they 're teaching us in school now . We are like a plague , they say . " I heard my daughter pleading with me to be careful , to protect myself , and I knew she was right , but I also had a small sense of my duty to tear down a world in which a teacher could tell a child she was a plague . I tried to keep my head down and behave , but I couldn 't rouse myself to false love for the general , and people already knew where my sympathies lay . This was before they had taken the men . My neighbor , Franz , kept stopping me in the market , trying to hand me leaflets . I dropped or burned all of them . I read nothing . I begged him to stop , but he said , " I know you are with us . I know you feel as we do . " One night he knocked on my door yelling for me to let him in . Soldiers had been searching his home when he returned from work , and he had turned and run . Now he was seeking shelter with me . I knew he knew I was home , but I blew out my candles and ignored him . When they found him he was still at my door . He wasn 't arrested that night though . It wasn 't until a few weeks later , and I wasn 't to blame . I did give food away in the market . I admit that . It started because of my neighbor , Ariel . We had both moved into the neighborhood around the same time - me as a young mother , and Ariel as a young bride . We grew close . She helped me with Cece when I had to work , and I kept her company when she was missing the sisters she had left behind . When she had her baby boy she began to rely on me even more . Cece and Nat grew up like siblings . When the soldiers took her husband away Ariel came to weep at my house and I held her and made tea , and sent Cece to find Nat at school . When Cece came back to tell us the boys had been rounded up too , we all wept together . Without her husband and son Ariel struggled to find money . Her income went to her taxes , so when she was hungry I fed her . She would come by the market and I would fill her basket . After a while we started to hear that there were many women in the same situation . Some of them had joined the movement and some had not , but on a whole they had lost their men , no one would hire them , and the government was looking for any excuse to seize their property . There were a few of us in the market who stopped charging these women for food . It wasn 't a movement . We didn 't organize . We just knew it was the right thing to do . We also knew enough to do it secretly . I suppose that was a crime - one that put me and my daughter in danger . It seems like a strange thing to regret though - giving food to your hungry neighbors . When Cece found out , she was furious and scared . She said it was exactly the kind of thing the government would use against us . Of course she was right . Cece never speaks when she doesn 't know what she is talking about . Ariel was arrested a few days before me . Maybe they would have taken me on the same day if their truck had not already been full . I don 't know whether she is still alive . Sometimes they move prisoners from other cells into ours . Sometimes I look to see if it is her . The soldier returns . This time he is followed by the other three , and we know it is time . He slides the bars open and two walk into our cell while the other two stay in the doorway . They walk down the narrow aisle flanked by our feet as we desperately tuck our knees under our chins to make space for them and to make ourselves smaller - to go unnoticed . There is nowhere to look but at their khaki knees . They take a woman from the back corner . One grabs her by each arm and drags her to her feet . Her eyes are wild and she tries to pull away from them , but the soldiers tighten their grip . She cannot believe her time has come . She probably thought that if she stayed quiet this would all end before they got around to her execution . She hadn 't been here long enough to stop believing someone would rescue her . I never expected anyone to rescue me , and I am always ready to be taken , not that I 'm in any rush . This woman faints before they get her to the door . Her legs sag onto the floor almost to her knees and the soldiers grunt as they pull her arms over their shoulders to keep from dropping her . That 's it . In a few minutes we will hear the gunfire . I never knew her name . I think today is Cece 's birthday . It is hard to know for sure . I wish there was something I could do to let her know I 'm thinking of her . I wonder if her day will be a happy one . The morning before I was arrested I had asked her to stay home from school . " They 're not teaching you anything , " I said . " Why keep going ? Stay home and help your mother . " Cece got angry . She launched into a speech about small acts of defiance adding up to undeniable proof of treason in the eyes of the government . She said it was that kind of wrong thinking that the soldiers and spies were looking for . She spoke with such conviction it was hard to tell whether or not she had bought into what they were teaching her at school . When I asked she just said , " You don 't understand anything , " and left . That was the last conversation we had . It would be nice to know how she is spending her birthday . There is a woman here who swears she loves General Lamb . Her family has been loyal through several generations . She even has a great uncle who fought with him in the war , side by side on the front lines . She doesn 't think she belongs here with us . She has always paid her taxes , doesn 't read books , and has never tried to help anyone who doesn 't share her loyalty to our great leader . Her family gave up their prayers long before she was born . Her only article of faith is that the general has the country 's best interest at heart in all that he does . She sees herself as one of them , and cannot believe they would see her as part of the problem . " Do you think the soldiers will talk to me ? " she asks anyone who will listen . It is time to wash ourselves . On our way out to the yard we drop our clothes at the doorway as instructed and the soldiers wait inside as we step naked into the sunlight . My skin enjoys the light , but my eyes are burning . Bea is crying . Maybe it is too overwhelming for her . She is not the only one . We pass the hose from hand to hand . I am head - to - toe rashes and the soap is strong and searing , but the water is cool in the hot sun . I take deep breaths of air . Bea takes the hose from me when I offer . Mel is just standing nearby , arms limp , with the same expression she has worn since they took her baby . A few of us work together to wash her . We linger as long as possible with the sun , water and fresh air , but just when my eyes might be adjusting to the outside light the soldiers march us back into darkness . We are given new sacks to cover ourselves . We take our seats on the floor of our cell once again . " Don 't you think we could overtake them the next time they take us out like that ? " Bea whispers to me . " Or if we all run at them when they open the cell to take someone away ? There are only four of them . We are twenty . " " Be patient , " says the general - loving woman . " Trust General Lamb 's justice . If you are truly innocent , you have nothing to fear . " I close my eyes and think about Cece . Maybe she did learn something at that school . Maybe she was smart enough to avoid the troubles brought by either too much or too little faith in the government . She must be working . She always finds a way to make money and survive and get what she wants . She is quietly washing dishes for a restaurant in the city - some place that allows her to stay in the back , out of sight , for most of the day . She has a friend who brought her flowers for her birthday . When she gets off work she goes to view the government approved movies . She salutes the soldiers when they pass on the street . She stays in crowded places where no one will look at her too closely . She goes to sleep in a tiny apartment , with no books , without saying her prayers lest anyone should overhear , and she will sleep peacefully until the next day comes , and the day after that , and the day after that . At meal - time , Bea finishes her mush with too much enthusiasm . I am watching her . She is plotting . The light in the hall is a little brighter than usual . It must be getting close to summer . We stack the empty bowls next to the bars , to be removed later . We have licked every drop clean . We resume our places lining the walls . There is more room now than there was before . No one has been brought to us since the last woman was taken . I stretch my legs out in front of me . Sometimes such an absence is not filled for weeks , but now the soldiers appear in the hall , all four , herding a shadow towards us . The bars slide open and she is shoved inside , falling to her knees . She is tall . She will take up too much room . And she is filthy . Bea is looking at this woman and her face looks broken . There is anger and fear in her eyes . The woman has not looked at anyone . She is crawling to the empty space at the back of the cell , in the shadow , in the dark . Everyone moves aside and away from her . They are all watching the woman , but I am watching Bea . All of the muscles of her face are contorted . She is breathing in short bursts and her gaze is frozen on the woman . I touch her shoulder to call her attention back to me . She brings her head around , saying " My mother , " but other than speaking the words she doesn 't seem at all sure what to do . I look from Bea to the woman who is her mother and is now dragging her body into position against the wall . " Rahel , " the woman next to her introduces herself , but Bea 's mother does not respond . This woman who stood so defiantly against General Lamb , and made so many speeches , has lost her voice or has nothing more to say . I look back to Bea and whisper , " Go to her , " but Bea can only stare , so I go back to watching the opposite wall . It is none of my business . I look at Bea , and then rise to my feet . " Aziza , " I say , but the woman does not look towards me . " Aziza ! " I try more loudly , and now there is a glimmer of recognition . " Your daughter is here . " Now Aziza is moving in slow motion . Her back unrolls tall and straight against the wall . She is squinting against the shadows created by the dim light ahead . She begins to struggle to her feet . Her whole body is vibrating . Her clothing is loose around her bones . If she was thin and graceful before , she is skeletal and brittle now . She sinks back to the ground and the name comes out in a deep sob , " Bea . " Bea is on her feet and scrambles to the back of the cell where she cradles her mother like a baby . " You 're alive , " she says over and over . " You 're alive . You survived . " Just saying it seems like a spell that is giving her strength , but her mother is still sobbing . She does not speak . Not so alive , I think . I am watching Bea and her mother clutch each other and thinking about what this woman must have looked like standing behind a podium , making speeches against our great general . Then I remember the last time I had wanted to cradle my Cece in my lap . It was a long time before , at my stall in the market . There were always small children running around who should have been in school , but their parents could only afford to send them sometimes , and the rest of the time they were helping with the family business or minding younger siblings , but my Cece was always in school . She used her own money , mostly . As soon as she could walk and talk she was hiring herself out , running errands for the neighbors or shining shoes in all her free time . My Cece never played . She always worked . Even once she was in school she found jobs with her teachers , or helped people before and after classes , so she always had enough money for school . It was important to her . I 'm remembering one day when she wasn 't at school . That is , she had been at school , but in the late morning I see her running towards me in the market , one among many barefoot children . Tears are streaming down her face and when she reaches me she buries herself in my skirt , wailing . She must have been seven years old . She never cries , so I 'm worried at first , but then I think what could a seven - year - old have to be so serious about ? Maybe she hurt her finger . I am in the middle of a sale so I let her cling to my skirts until I 'm finished , then pull her off me and ask , " What 's the matter ? " Her face is a mess . That 's when she asks me , " Why don 't I have a papa ? " You see , this was before they took everyone 's papas , and her classmates had been teasing her . I tell her , " Because you don 't need a papa . Papas are for little girls who don 't know how to take care of themselves - for mamas who don 't know how to care for their little girls , and that 's not us . You can tell your friends that . " She looks at me for a long time . Just sits on that stool and stares at me . I have work to do . I make a few more sales , chat with my customers . When I turn around she has gone back to school . I look at all the other people 's children , running and screaming around the market , so undisciplined , such smiles on their faces . I feel proud of my Cece . Bea and Aziza are sitting side - by - side now . Everyone has shuffled to give them space . I sit next to Mel , while she presses the side of her face to the bars and says nothing . At least I have more light . I inspect my toenails . Bea is whispering to Aziza , telling stories about Emil and Sid , reciting poetry , talking without stopping as if to transfer vital energy to her mother . I am trying to remember a story Cece once had to learn for school before her teachers had stopped teaching . It was like a fable , but I don 't remember what the lesson was . There was a wise man on a mission for a king , and he had to find a singular object with the power to give a hopeless man hope , and bring a hopeful man to his knees . I remember that in the end it was a ring that the wise man brought to his king , but I don 't remember why . I wonder if Cece has found a way to continue studying in some kind of school or if she only works now . I want to tell Mel about my daughter - to tell her all the stories from Cece 's childhood I can still remember , but I don 't think Mel would be able to hear me right now . If I could talk to Cece , I would tell her about her papa . He was not a bad man , and she deserves to know something about him . If she asked me one more time why she never had a papa , I 'd tell her he wanted to take care of us , but I wouldn 't let him , so she can blame me for that , and maybe she can imagine he was some kind of hero . Maybe that would give her strength , to think her papa was a hero even though her mama couldn 't be . I hadn 't thought of that before . Carli Lowe is a student of the Writers Studio in San Francisco . She was born and raised in San Francisco . She works as an elementary teacher , and plays as a dancer , percussionist , traveler and cyclist . E - mail Sixfold

I lay on the sofa , silent and plunged in a peaceful slumber . Light breeze made me shiver . But he only touched my face . Slowly I awoke . I opened my eyes and saw the blanket , which I was covered . When I looked up I saw that the vampire was standing by the window , staring out into the boiling nightlife . I was surprised . I was hoping that I will not have to go to the home of vampires , but here 's what happened . As in the proverb : < If Mohammed does not go in the mountains , the mountain comes to Mohammed ! > He came and sat on the couch . He was relaxed and stared into the darkness . I don 't expect to answer me and I could not get him to tell me the truth . Even the slightest attempt to attack him would have ended in death . My death , of course . So I stood up and took a few steps . I felt much better . I do not feel dizzy , but I don 't overreach . I went to the kitchen and poured a glass of milk . Drink , but I just kept thinking . Something told me that behind this interest Celeste was hiding a secret . On the other hand was the problem with my parents . Where were they , damn it ? I took my cup and went into the living room . I expected Alexander to be gone , but he was still there . He looked thoughtful , but I certainly felt me . Before I could blink he stood behind me . I almost dropped the cup , but he caught it . Then he whispered in my ear . I felt his breath on my neck . I shuddered , but I was not afraid . It was rather the impatience and excitement . I turned sharply and saw his transformed face . There was no intention to drink my blood , but had changed . He wanted me to watch him without forgetting what he was . He dragged me and made me sit down . He told me that my parents are hunters . Hunters ? I did not understand what he meant . He told me that they are hunters of supernatural creatures , especially vampires . I was stumbled . I do not believe this is possible . Alexander noticed my confusion , but he paused and continued . He told me about " College of hunters " and the deal with the vampires . Only now I clarify the role of Mary Charles . She was not my nanny or friend of my parents , but rather guard . And as to my parents … they proved to be great deceivers . I could not believe it . As I stood , he twisted gracefully as a cat and lay down . He put his head on my knees and stared at the wall . Frankly I had no idea what to do . My heart is stirred so that whole my body trembled . I could not wield . For the first time I wanted so bad to kiss someone . I tried to think of something else . And just in time someone knock on the door . I thought that was Bly , but the vampire calm me . He said that there are a human . I went to open . It was Sally . She looked confused , angry and sad . I expected as we enter Alex 's left , but he was there . The girl stared at him in amazement . She wanted to tell me something . Sally stepped back and bumped into me . She was horrified . She grabbed me and started pulling me towards the door . She does not stop stutters and asks me to leave . I did not move . I sighed and looked irritably at the vampire . - Vampire ? Yes , he is and he is really strange . I don 't understand his behavior , but he will not hurt you . - And I looked at him questioningly and he nodded . Sally sat down at the end of the couch and I brought her a glass of water to calm down . I sat quietly and told her everything . Or at least that part of the truth of which I knew . And Alexander sat down beside me . He behaved as if we were best friends . He gentle strokes my arm with a finger without looking at me . As if he did it quite deliberately . He enjoyed the fear in Sally . This amused him . Eventually she ( Sally ) calm . Of course , I did not tell her that I gave on the vampire to drink my blood . This would only make her mad . Then she explained that she told her family about Bly , but they laughed to her . - The told me to stop making this up . But tell me how to do it ? I do not think those creatures will leave me just like that . - Stop frightened her . Listen , Alexander … Don 't you have something else to do ? Why don 't go to kill someone or find a lover , with which to enjoy ? He looked at me as he will have what he wants . Both with Sally looked at him with astonishment . Suddenly something happened . Alexander stood up . He felt someone . Then relaxed . He told me that I can go and open . I did it . I stood up and opened the door . Before me stood none other , bur Mason . I was surprised to see him at home . He looked cheerful , but actually something troubled him . I invited him to come and we went into the living room to Sally and Alex . The girl was startled , because she suspected what is the identity of the unexpected guest . Mason sat and looked at his friend . He wanted to talk with him . I took Sally by the hand and walked to the kitchen . I wanted to leave them alone . It was not necessary . This was not a request but rather an order . His tone frightened me and accidentally sat . Sally also sat down . We were silent all the time . Mason said that they found the corpse of a man with two stab wounds to the neck . At first glance , was killing by a vampire . Alexander was furious . Both knew that this would worsen the situation with " The College " . This makes the vampires nervous . They create them unnecessary troubles . I don 't dare to intervene because it was not my job . Finally , we were really tired . Sally went to bed in the room of my parents . Mason left , but Alexander was hard to tell . So I stopped to watch for his presence and went to bed . I let him do whatever he wants . I was so tired that I fell asleep almost immediately . He pulled the curtains tightly to not take any light or at night or during the day . There was no reason for it . Just lie down to sleep at three o ' clock in the morning and did not want the sun at sunrise to bother us . Naturally , Mary was not there yet . Maybe she deals with murder , for which Mason mention . While I slept , I still felt what was happening around me . Then I felt the bed moved . Slightly opened my eyes and tried to get up , but I heard his voice . He told me to sleep . It was needless to say who it was . It was Alexander , of course . He lay down next to me like it 's something natural . But I woke up . I looked at him and asked him why not go back . However , the room was not cold enough . It was dark and quiet . Then I got up and turned the air conditioner . Temperature dropped and I went to bed again . Only that this time I covered myself better . The vampire turned and hugged me and ran his hand over my waist . He did not need from a blanket . It was the crazy situation . Not that it 's unusual for vampires . They did not have particularly shame . Mary delivers the roses in the house of the vampires all alone . Celeste was a bit disappointed by my absence . But when Mary mentioned the word " anemia " the vampire was rage . She doesn 't stop calling Alexander , and he was gone . She knew that he is guilty for my condition . It made her furious . - Relax , Celeste . The girl just does what is necessary . He defended her and he felt worse . Chris just felt guilty through her blood has paid her debt . - You don 't understand , do you , witch ? She belongs to him now . Such are the rules . He was the first vampire drink her blood . Mary smiled mischievously , while Celeste looked at her with contempt . The two of them were not friends , and have never been any . Rather Mary led as overseer of these vampires . The only thing Celeste was sorry now that she could not break her neck like a chicken . And so much she wanted . As expected , Bly and his group had gathered in an old warehouse on the harbor . Their leader , whose name was Adam Morgan ; he was not particularly pleased that the bloodsuckers walk freely around the city . It was more for territory than any other reason . And it is well known that the two kinds are blood enemies . After Mr . Morgan left the meeting , some of the younger follow him . In store only three remained : Bly , along with two of his closest comrades , Michael Landon and Jason Mitchell . The three were confronted with vampires . Well , one of them had met directly . Bly was only one who felt the attacks of Alexander . Moreover hated him for personal reasons . Apparently it was true that Bly had feelings for me . He could not bear the thought between me and the vampire might have something . The thought maddened him and made him break everything stood before his eyes . Early morning Mary woke me up . In her eyes I knew she knew what had happened . But how ? How the hell she was learned ? Someone could say that there are spies everywhere . No ! There are not spies , but something else . I knew and decided to find out . I did not know whether she will tell me the truth , but I still try . I stood up slightly from the bed , but had to slow down because it made me dizzy . With a weak voice I asked my question . I could not believe it . They were older than they look . Well , vampires never look as we expected . But this time I stopped thinking about it . I changed and went for breakfast . For the first time there were only sweets . Mary explained to me that in that way I will handle the blood lost faster . I admit that more delicious things I had not tasted . The woman smiled happily . She asked me if I can work . I nodded for yes , because I was slightly excited . And my mouth was full of sweet breakfast . I like a little kid , but it was not a problem for my aunt . As we drove to the flower store , aunt Mary did not stop give me advices . That I should not overburden , that I need to rest until the anemia is over . I agreed just to calm her down . I was in unusually good mood . It seemed that I was drugged . Even I worked with pleasure . I leave Mary to deal with the documentation . She paying taxes and bills , but that everything was going great , and I did not stop to worry about my parents . Where were they ? Why they 're not here and how can I contact with them ? If I say that my anxiety was great it will be lie . On several occasions I asked Mary about it , but she always changed the subject . I was sure that she knows something . All she said was that they are not satisfied that I am in contact with vampires . Since I obtained the conclusion that they are aware of the immortals . I did not know what to think . When I came to the door with the correct answer , I discovered behind new three doors . What I 'm trying to say is that I found myself still at an impasse . I knew nothing and nobody wanted to tell me the truth . I was really angry by that . I knew it was pointless , but I had no power over my emotions . After lunch I did not feel very well . I almost fainted when arranged the flowers in the store . Mrs . Charles was frightened and made me go by taxi . Now at least I would not have to go with vampires . Not that I don 't like them , as crazy as it sounds . I just not am looking for trouble . The only thing that scared me when I went home was thought that Bly can return . But when I lay down on the sofa … asleep without to worry . My mother gave me a message . Well , but not in the way that she was adopted it . She said to me that nobody else wanted to go . That the supply is very important . She spoke to me a bunch of stupid excuses . I asked just to make her stop the bullshit . I was not a child who can trick easier . But there was another reason to agree to this . Despite my fear and I was curious . Who was the woman of the house ? More precisely … what was she ? They say that curiosity can create many problems . It 's true . Well , I did not know that . I just could not hold myself . Nothing was able to stop me . Even my own mind was not able to do so . It 'll sound strange , but we can say that I waited eagerly to the time for delivery . I could not know myself . Of course , I would not go as smoothly as I hoped . Soon it will become clear about what I speak . I had taken the flowers from the store and headed to the parking . This time I take the car on my mother and she would be home with my father , who often stops into the store . Anyway , I put the flowers in the back seat and headed for the driver 's seat . Suddenly Bly comes . Unlike out last meeting , now he has serious and far more confident . I would even say arrogant and rude . Take my right wrist and looked at me cold and imperious . - Wait , wait ! What are you talking about , damn it ? He only took me to do not fell from the shock that you caused me . Now let me go , asshole . I have work to do . I was angry and pulled my hang strongly . It hurt , but I was free . I pushed the boy from myself and walked to the car . I drove off immediately . I was angry . I almost bumped into a tree . Thank God , I got there on time . When I leaved the car I had to take a deep breath to calm down . The door was open and I went . This time I was much more confident . Probably the reason was because I was still angry at Bly and I do not think about the possible danger . Before I knew it I was standing at the door . This time I did not even ring . The door opened and before me stood the same beautiful woman . Now she looks at me with a smile . I was little troubled and felt my face flares up . She gently pulled me inside . For some reason I had not resisted . Once the door closed behind me , I shuddered . I didn 't see anything . So I stayed in one place . The woman apparently had no problem with that . She noticed my difficulty and called Walter . She ordered him to light a few candles . The butler was surprised but said nothing , and fulfills the order . Light give more sinister look of the house , but was better than to stumble in the dark . The woman presented nicely . Her name was Celeste . I also introduce myself to her . She grabbed my hand and led me behind . I do not know why , but I started to worry . She brought me into the living room . It was a huge room . There were two men . I do not know them , but one of them leave in me some feeling . Celeste made me sit down . I did it . - I do not know , ma ' am . I was in shock . For a little I did not become food for three werewolves . I did not see who helped me , and I do not know why he did it . No logic , right ? She did not answer , but I was sure that she knows the answer . I felt the tension rising , so I stood up . I asked them to excuse me , and then simmer to not get run over by the door . They do not try to stop me . And why should they ? I and they were aware that this is not our last meeting . Running to the car , I dared not even look back . However , I felt that they watched me . I got in the car , but did not drive off immediately . I needed to calm down . For this I have set my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes . At all costs I had to calm down before I get home . But then something happened that I did not expect and that frightened me . When I raised my head I saw him . The vampire stood in the driver seat . I could not breathe . And he just stood there and did not even look at me . I 'm talking about vampire whose name was Alexander . I stood and watched him . What could I do ? What did he want ? He did not answer . He turned to me and his eyes pierced me leaving me speechless . Suddenly , as under foreign control , I started it and drove off . I do not dare to resist more . I drove , and my heart was beating like crazy . We almost reached the goal when something stands in front of the car and I braked . I was very scared . I can 't say the same about the vampire . Alexander was rather annoyed . I tried to leave , but he ( the vampire ) stopped me with his hand . I saw his teeth and his red , fierce look . I was completely sure he was serious . But the strange was that nothing happened . They do not attacked us , not even appeared . On top of all Alexander was gone . I never thought and started it and drove off towards home . As I came back there was no one . I found a note which said that they went with some relatives and they do not know when will return . I was left enough money if I needed something I could take account of the store . On top of that I had to work in the store and take care of business . I began to wonder how many more surprises I will receive . I made dinner for myself , bathed and sat down at the computer . I wrote to Sally and asked her to apologize . She replied cheerfully as ever . I was glad I asked her early in the morning to come home . She agreed . Then I went to bed . I fell asleep , but the nightmares were falling one after another . I woke up to 4 : 00 am covered with sweat . I was breathless and a little restless . Well , how else ? So many things happened to me that now I would be crazy . I went to take a shower to refresh . Anyway , I could not sleep again . A few hours I walked up and down the house and wondering what to do . I tried to get in touch with my parents , but without success . Before dawn the doorbell rang . My surprise was mixed with a certain amount of fear . I walked slowly towards the door . I do not think that it was Sally because it was too early . On the other hand , vampires and their opponents the werewolves were not so stupid to come . I was wondering who can be . I took a breath and opened the door . Before me stood an old woman . She smiled at me . She wore a suitcase . - Oh sorry ! Probably you do not remember me . The last time when I saw you … You were a little girl . Maybe 3 or 4 years old . She went and I made her tea . She told me that she is a friend of my grandmother and my grandfather of the maternal side . Even showed me pictures . She told me that my parents had asked her to watch me and help me . I did not know this lady , but I was grateful . The name of this woman was Mary Charles . At 52 years , with silver - white hair piled in a bun , but I was more impressed by her eyes were gray and somewhat mysterious . I wondered . There were interesting things . But who would believe me ? And I do not want to have problems , but exactly what would happen . So I carefully chose to deflect my questions . - Well , my best friend will come and I can share her all . She will help me in the store . As long as she agree , of course . My breath stopped . My pupils expanded and my heart racked in my chest . I could not understand . He held me like I am nothing , but now it appears that he has helped me . I felt a little uncomfortable . How would I look at him after what happened ? I mean , he almost licked my neck . He knew it from the outset and still didn 't care . Its looks like that is not for the first time for him . For him was common and insignificant . I plunged into my own thought and I did not realize when Sally came . She stood and watched me with her usual curious expression . I almost jumped when I saw her . - My parents left . The woman you saw will help me , but I need help in the store too . If you have not another job … I will pay you . My heart broke with grief that I had to lie . Because to hide something is tantamount to lying . But Mary was right . I was entrusted with a big secret and I had no right to give up . I felt torn . While getting ready , Mary and Sally talked . Someone knock on the door and I went to open . It was Bly . I was not happy to see him . And seeing me he started to fidget . Got my by the wrist and yanked me sharply . My hand hurt badly . Then came Sally and my new aunt . They forced him to let me and to get out . I had to bandage my right hand . However , I don 't give up from my job . In this case I was not scared or worried , but rather angry . I could not believe this idiot afford to behave this way . Sally had to drive a car . We went to the store and started work . It was pretty awkward because regular customers did not stop to ask me the questions of whose answers I was interested : < Where are my parents ? > I could not tell them why lie . That what choice did I have ? There was something else . I just kept wondering how Mary knows about vampires . I thought that she would not answer , even if I had asked . In fact , she bothered me a little . She knew me well and I did not know anything about her . I should be very careful . On top get another call from the vampires . This time my new " nanny " answered . She promised to go … both of us . Sally was curious , but not learns anything . It seemed to be disappointed , but said nothing . She continues as if nothing happened . I was surprised from her reaction , but only smiled . However , she helped me a lot . So when she asks me to let her go earlier I don 't protest . So ultimately there was just me and Mrs . Charles . I began to feel as if I did not have any option about my own live . Always someone else decided for me . I hated it more than anything , but I had not the courage to oppose it . This was now . I got in the car without much fuss , but this time not in the driving seat . I could relaxed and to stop thinking about everything . I could forget everything but the pain in my hand did not stop to remind me that everything is real . While I watched the lights along the road , I don 't noticed how the woman watching me . I don 't saw her smile . This lady … she thinking something , but what was it ? I wondering what she hide it ? Where did she come from ? What is her past ? What relation she had with these creatures of darkness ? Even I was not thinking what I could find . And maybe I must found out . How could I live with someone for whom I don 't know anything ? Suddenly I was scared . Then I realized that the car doesn 't move . Even Mary was waiting outside with flowers in her hands . I came down with visible reluctance . I followed her like a submissive puppy without any real reason . On the door the old butler already waits for us . He ushered us into the dark living room . There waiting for was and the three immortals . The woman looked at me a little confused . No doubt the reason was my injured hand . She looked at me , waiting to tell her what happened , but I said nothing . However , her eyes became somewhat fierce . I realized that she already knows . She was reading my mind and knew who was to blame for what happened . I thought she was calm , but she wasn 't . For a second she grabbed a crystal vase and broke it into pieces when threw it to the wall . The attendees , including myself , could not stay startled by the sudden change . Celeste cursed something in her native language . Mason tried to calm her , but not only failed , but received a severe blow , which referred him to the nearest wall . I was afraid and took a step toward , but Alexander stopped me . He stood before me . I felt that he trying to protect me . - Don 't deny it , my girl ! - Mary said . - Either way she will read your mind . Yes , Celeste . He hurt and girl and it 's your fault , but I don 't think that child here can 't handle it . This began to annoy me terribly . It was like I was a child , and all just so concerned with me like that . And I wasn 't a child anymore . - Enough ! - I said . - I am not a child ! Leave me alone . This problem is my business . Well , we let the flowers . Let 's go , aunt ! I left without care about others ' options . Since I cannot drive , I walked away . It wasn 't cleaver thing , but when I was angry I don 't care . I walked in the darkness trying to follow the way in which we had come . I was not thinking about the danger that lurked . The whole time I had the feeling that someone follows me . At one point I stopped because a few meters from me , walked some strange men . My heart beating fast from fear . The things are not improved . They saw me and smiled half - heartedly . There was nowhere to escape , but I was not sure whether to continue . They were about ten meters from me when something unexpected happens . A hand wrapped around me , enveloping me . I looked for a moment . It was Alexander . He made me keep moving . He did not say anything and just pushed me . I left without asking questions . I already knew that it was a waste of time . We walked past the men and they weren 't very happy that the man was with me . At this point I don 't realize it , but once they are gone far enough I understand it . How he knew where I was ? How did he know that I have not taken a taxi ? And why he always appeared when I needed from help ? He sends me to my home . For a moment I thought , but then I invited him to come if he wants . Well , he did not object . I did it of pure kindness . I was nervous . However , in my home was a vampire . It sounded crazy , even in my mind . I did not know what to suggest . I don 't know why , but suddenly I felt strange . As if a voltage appears at me . Soon came and the reason . And his name was : Bly McLane . He was furious when he saw the vampire . In contrast , however , Alexander seemed perfectly calm . He did not even flinch . Bly attacked him , but a moment later he was lying on the floor across the room . He barely breathing , but did not give up . He tried to stand but failed immediately . When Alexander was about to proceed , I stopped him as I stood before him , and almost hugged him . He gave up just because he gets bored . I asked Bly to leave . Although I was certainly mad of him , I did not want to be killed because of me . - Stop it ! Both of you . This is my home , and I will invite whom I want . But I will not allow such behavior . I thought you are my friend , Bly . You hurt me and I don 't talk just about the hand . This time Alex kicked him in the ribs without mercy . The werewolf roared in pain . Then came one of his companions . And because his appearance was unexpected and sudden , he managed to repel the vampire . But he was fast and slightly fuzzy . After a moment both of wolfish kind had disappeared . I noticed that the vampire was not in good condition . He was not hurt and still there had something . I approached him and saw his real face . He growled to stay away . I knew I had to stay away . That I must listen to him . I could not stop . I knew what he needed . Blood . My mind screamed < Stop , idiot ! Run ! > , but my heart and my body did not obey . Then I found myself with back on the floor . He ( the vampire ) had leaned over me and his hair descends upon my face . My heart would burst . I didn 't dare to move . Alex was even closer . I felt his breath on my neck . It happen the same as when we met for the first time . Ran his tongue in my neck to soften the skin . Then I felt his teeth burrow . It hurt for a while . Then I closed my eyes and found myself in a strange place . It was bright and full with flowers . Garden perhaps ? The flowers were red roses . The smell was indescribable . I went to the flowers , but something stopped me . He made me go back . I opened my eyes and I was in my bed . Instinctively I touched my neck . There was not even a trace . Only memory of what happened . I tried to stand up , but I had no strength . Finally I sat up slightly , but his hand knocked me back . I tried to say something else , but he doesn 't give me a chance . He did something with his hand and I fell asleep . Deep , deep sleep . Despite everything that happened , I was calm . I did not know why . It was not normal , but I could not change it . Now I felt different . Somewhat close to the vampire . I think this is normal . Alexander stood for some time sitting next to my bed . For him it was a bit strange , because until now he had not behaved well with anyone . In this human way , I mean . For many years he did not know that . He had forgotten what it means to be human . And he does not want to know , because had long ago ceased to be human . For this reason he left . He wanted to forget about this passing weakness . The question was whether he would be able to achieve this ? He went into the house in which he lived . Avoid meeting with the others occupants of the house . Gathered in the crypt and go to bed , though it was early . He could not sleep . Something tortured him and even he could not understand . Suspected to be due to my blood . For a moment , he began to regret that he is drunk , but then just shook his head . A slight smile appeared on his otherwise serious face . Even thought that this blood was returned to a piece of his lost humanity . The vampire knew well that this will continue for a while . However , if someone saw him at this point would be very surprised . He did not seem the same like before . This he called " the effect of human drug . " Lying , he touched his scarlet lips and the memory of warm blood streaming down his throat made him shiver . This excited him and his mind never stopped to revealing images and sensations sealed in his memory . Even when he felt the dawn , he just fell asleep without stopping his thoughts . But vampires do not dream . Or so I heard . Once the sun rose , grandmother and Laurie appeared in the kitchen . Surprised to see grandfather there . Laurie hugged him , then the grandparents went into another room to hold a conversation . I was curious . I serve breakfast on my sister and sneak into the small corridor . I heard a lot of conversation . Only some fragments such as : ' dangerous ' , ' hunting ' , ' demons ' or something . Allegedly stormed the room accidentally . I clapped my forehead with my hand because I had really forgotten about it . Summer School ? It would be … unpleasant . As I announced that to my sister and she was so delighted as I am . So she eats it quickly , grabbed my hand and led me to my room . Yes , the room was mine , but Laurie often slept there . As I said , we went into the room . My sister is buried in my closet . She started to look for appropriate clothing . I thought she would leave , but she did not . In fact , she shut the door and sat on the bed to the wall . She looked at me with a slight smile . I lifted eyebrows and rolled my eyes . Laurie laughed , then me too . We have prepared our backpacks with a notebook and pens . Additional hours starting at 11 : 00 noon and ending at 15 : 00 in the afternoon . We had time , but Laurie made me go earlier . She was right . Blog at WordPress . com . Kittens that I LoveTea Pam Pam ~ 你想要的 , 只是一個雍抱而已 . . . ~ Jakes FoodVonj ProductionsBringing you love through spirit ! Viking ReviewsBook reviews and other gibberish . ♛ Shadows Of The VampireDark World : Dagger In Your HeartOur Paws RockBeautyBeyondBonesБългарски Online КнигиБългарски електронни online книги за четенеDirty Sci - Fi BuddhaC . King Grey , Horror AuthorAren 't you awesome for visiting my blog ! ? ultimatemindsettodayA great WordPress . com siteSeiji EiriThings aren 't always what they seemawitueJust another WordPress . com site

The widower next door is coming over tonight . My wife invited him for dinner and I didn 't object . His wife died last spring and we went to the funeral out of proximity more so than anything else . I can 't even be certain of the dead wife 's name . Though honestly that isn 't saying very much . I am awful with names , it 's just one of those things I can never seem to remember . Faces , I don 't forget . The other day I was in the supermarket by the produce section and out of the corner of my eye I see a face I haven 't seen since high school . I know exactly who he is . He sat two seats in front of me in freshman biology . Bright guy , always scored high . I was a terrible student . Never really applied myself to the books . Probably on account of the dyslexia , but whatever the case , I don 't read well . My wife is part of a book club , which is how she got to talking with the widower in the first place . He joined a couple months after his wife died . I imagine it must be very lonely to sit at home alone . She used to ask me to join the book club , but she 's stopped bothering with that . " It 's me , Eric , Eric Benjamin . From Hebrew Academy ? Remember ? ( Insert iconic high school moment . Maybe that time someone let mice loose in Rabbi Zuckerman 's class ) . " This carries on until you get to the part where you both agree to keep in touch . He jots down his number on the back of a business card and hands it over . You lose it in your wallet . Then three years down the line you empty out your wallet and find it along with that Tasty Delight card - the one that counts how many you 've purchased so that when you get to the coveted ten , you get one - free - any - size cup . Sadly , though , after just three visits you lost it behind the business card and had to start from scratch with a new card counter . Thinking about it now , the neighbor 's dead wife might have been Jane or Jill . Yes , it is definitely Jill . They did not have children , which is good because that would be truly tragic to leave children behind to raise without a mother . He should be thankful that he doesn 't have children . We don 't have children and I should think that if my wife died I would be pleased that I wasn 't left with mouths to feed on my own . I suspect that 's why my wife invited the widower over for dinner . He probably doesn 't really even know how to cook . Even if he did , there 's just no sense in cooking for one . " He 'll be here around six thirty . So I 'd like you to turn off the television . Take out a book and read something instead of rotting your mind with nonsense , " Betty says from the kitchen . " Okay , " I say back . There isn 't anything on anyway . I head into the kitchen to see what she has made for us . It 's a lot of food that we don 't normally eat unless it 's a holiday , in which case Betty 's mom cooks when it 's her side 's holiday and my mom cooks when it 's us . I think I would be an excellent ad man . Although I don 't like suits . I didn 't even wear one to the funeral . Betty was upset by that . But I think that if suits weren 't required , I would have certainly been an excellent ad man . Ideas come to me all the time without even trying . The doorbell rings at exactly six thirty . I open it . Richard is standing with a bottle of wine . His blue eyes shine . His hair is gelled lightly to the side . " I 'm good , thank you for inviting me . It smells delicious in here . " He has a nice voice and he spaces his words well . It 's slow and soothing . " Don 't be silly . It 's our pleasure . Eric why don 't you take Richard 's jacket and talk in the living room , I just need one more minute to finish and I 'll uncork this lovely gift , " she says taking the bottle from me . " Ha , Richard how did you remember , The Santa Maria Valley Pinot Noir . It looks delightful , " she says . I didn 't know she liked Pinot Noir . Richard looks about my age , maybe thirty - five , but probably more active . His clothes fit well . I look down at my own outfit . I have a little more insulation under my button down and there is a small stain on my khakis . I wet my finger and rub , but it won 't come out . He 's tall , too . " Here you go , " says Betty entering the room . She 's holding two wine glasses filled half way and hands one to Richard . He gets up to relieve her . " Eric doesn 't enjoy wine , " intercedes Betty . Betty is wearing her new spring dress and her hair is done nice . Straight . Around her neck are the pearls that she surprised herself with for her birthday . She 's even wearing her black heels . She 's a fraction taller than me when she wears them . But I don 't mind . She looks beautiful . I think to tell her this . The good china is out , a wedding gift from her Aunt Marge . The food 's out too and my stomach grumbles . I take my normal seat by the main window . There 's a cold Blue Moon already set . Betty sits in her normal seat and puts her wine glass down . Richard does the same . Betty invites Richard to say grace . He does . Out of respect , I bow my head . Betty thanks him and we begin . There 's turkey and yams , stuffing too . Richard asks for the mashed potatoes and I pass them before digging in . Once I get going I don 't stop . Why would I ? I don 't follow much of the conversation anyhow . I think , how many peas I can fit in my mouth at one time ? I start slow with a spoonful . Then add another and another . I figure each spoonful must be like twenty peas . I switch to the serving spoon instead . It can hold probably close to fifty . Betty sips her wine and shoots me a look . They 're not even fresh . They 're the frozen kind ; I saw her take them out of the freezer earlier . I swallow and stop . " I 'd like a couple of my own , " says Betty . I turn towards her . Her eyes haven 't moved off him . I polish off the beer , get another . When I return they 're talking about the last book they read . Then switch to a short story that someone from the group had forwarded . " It was disturbingly beautiful . The passion . To feel such tremendous love for another is incredible . I mean of course she 's crazy , but it 's the love that drives her to do it , " says Betty . Richard says slowly and with meaning , " That 's why he 's Faulkner . The way he takes us through the town , the way he invites us in on the action . I felt like I was a member of the town , rummaging through Emily 's house . And to find that gray hair on the pillow beside Homer 's body . " Richard 's voice starts to shake . I look up from my plate , turkey in my mouth , chewing . His eyes are moist . Betty 's eyes too . " It … well , it get 's lonely sometimes , you know , " he continues . A lone tear twists down his flushed cheek . It 's uncomfortable to look at . I want to wipe it . It doesn 't faze him though and he continues . Betty puts her hand on him and leans in to console him . " Sometimes I wish I could lie with Jennifer just one more time . Roll over and tell her anything in the middle of the night . " " I 'm so sorry Richard , " Betty says , her hand warming his arm . Richard gets himself right . He pours more wine into their glasses . For a moment or two nobody says anything . I 'm on my third helping . I was full after two . The conversation goes back to the club . Dinner 's over and Betty brings out cake and coffee . We all have . I like the cake . It 's coconut with vanilla glaze . " You know we 're actually looking for people at work . It 's an entry - level job , but it pays well enough . Plus you 'll learn a lot about advertising . You might find it interesting , " he adds not getting the vibe he wants out of me . " Thanks , but I 'm not that into advertising . Not that it 's not a good field . Just wouldn 't even know where to begin , " I say . There 's nothing like being your own boss . It takes a certain kind of person do be able to do it and I don 't think Richard would have what it takes . We finish eating . Richard helps clear . I invite him to watch the Bulls game . He declines . I take another Blue Moon , grab a bag of pretzels and head to the den . They continue talking and I turn up the volume . I watch the first half . Cozy up under the blanket , flipping the channels during the commercial to catch part of the Hangover . I 've seen it nearly five times , but I laugh all the same . They 're speaking louder . Excited by something . Betty 's laughing and Richard 's talking . I lower the volume . The game 's not a good one anyway . I hear Betty say , " I got your copy for you it 's upstairs . I think it should be a fun read . A lot lighter than the last couple . The Jane Austen Book Club ? " I turn the volume back up . They walk by the den . Out the doorway I see them on the staircase . The hallway light is on the frits , darting here and there . They have their wine glasses and they 're talking . One hand on the rail , Betty 's twisting her body backwards on the second step . Richard , still taller than her even in her heels , is following after . They 're not in a rush . Each step is in unison , slow boxy steps . Betty 's head tilting slightly forward , smiling something to him . I can see cracks in the foundation of her makeup . Under the flickering bulb , it all looks caked on . I don 't recognize her face . They continue in this fashion up the stairs . I return to not watching the game . Every now and then I hear Betty burst out in foreign laughter - the type of laugher where a hand meets an arm . I look down at the coffee table . My Blue Moon 's made a ring . I pick it up and pull over a coaster . Bulls are down twenty and I turn the television off . I fold the blanket and put it back neatly . I fold the top of the pretzel bag too so they won 't get stale . I leave the room and look back . It 's tidy . I get my coat from the hall closest and grab a scarf . They 're at the top of the stairs when I reach the door . Betty 's holding her book and smiling that smile . I stand on the stoop , looking up at the heavens . It 's chilly outside . I can see my breath , like the thin mist of clouds gently masking tonight 's moon . She 's ducked her face behind a grapefruit bin , I think to myself , and switch over to the stars instead . They 're bright and shine through . I was easily frightened as a child . Wind , tree shadows , thunder , noise . You name it I was scared . I think it was in my genes to be scared . As a Jew I think it 's ingrained in us - I mean if you spent forty years in a wilderness you 'd be scared too . Anyway , I was also easily influenced . I had a friend , Joe . Joe and I were best buds . I was a year older but he was braver . And stupider . A deadly combination . We were always doing stupid things . Like stealing people 's money . We used to steal from our neighbor . We were like nine and our neighbor was like six . Anyway , we used to steal from him . I 'm not proud or anything , but we did . The neighbor was a saver . When the ice cream truck would come , he had the dough to buy the top row stuff . The King Cone , the Tollhouse Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich , a Sunday even . We bought ices mostly . Anyway , one summer day it was so brutally hot out . We needed the ice cream truck , but we were strapped . Well , like I said , our neighbor had cash . " Well , their car is gone . So they aren 't home . So we stick our hand through the mail slot and unlock the door and we 're in . " This wasn 't really news to me . We learned along time ago that we could do this . Our neighbor 's mail slot was so close to the lock and our arms were so skinny - mostly cause we couldn 't afford ice cream - that we could just reach our paws in and open sesame . We learned this because besides ice cream , we also liked Fruit Rollups , which they had and we weren 't allowed . I knew getting in would be easy . I knew snatching our neighbor 's piggy bank , taking our Kippa clips and jimmying the lock would also be simple . No , all that didn 't scare me . What scared me was the neighbor 's mom . She was , pardon my French , a bitch . And something told me stealing money from here little darling wasn 't going to please her . So naturally , we 're upstairs stealing and dividing the pot - like I said Joe was stupid , and he demands that we divvy it up right there and then - when suddenly the car pulls into the drive way . That noise still lingers with me today . " Quick grab the dough , we 'll hide in Rachel 's room . " Rachel was the neighbor 's younger sister . She was four , but had a room the size of - well I don 't know exactly , but it was big . So we dart in there with Joe stuffing money down his underwear because it 's the summer and we 've forgotten to wear anything with pockets . The lock downstairs starts to click and turn and the jingling of keys makes my head bonkers . I run to Rachel 's closet , only Joe has the same idea . I 'm scared , I tell you , really scared . I don 't want to go to jail or worse get caught by that bitch . I think it will be too risky for us both to hide in the same spot . I 'm not sure exactly why , but that 's what I think . So just as Joe reaches for the closet door , I kick him - hard and in the stomach . He keels over and I hop in and yank the closet door shut behind me . I press my eye to the crack and see Joe scamper off to the other side of the bed . " Rachel , let 's get you ready for ballet . " The mom walks in with her daughter . My heart is exploding . She is going to need to change ! I press my eye to the crack again and I see a little hand reach for the door . I look around desperately . Her ballet shoes ! I pick them up and hold them out , praying she won 't notice me . Rachel opens the door a crack , sees the shoes before her face , and takes them . No questions asked . She closes the door . I put my eye back . I can see the bed and I can see Joe hiding on the other side of it . Then , I see clothes fling out onto the bed . Little clothes . Then big clothes flying even further , missing the bed by a foot - but they never reach the floor . Instead they land directly on top of Joe 's head . I move my eyes to another crack . I see the mom . I see her bare breast sagging as low as her jaw . I stay in there , until I hear the car pull out of the driveway . When I get outside , Joe is waiting for me . We hear the ice cream truck and Joe reaches into his underwear and yanks out the cash . Joe pays him and hands me mine . " Cheers . " We clink them like my parents do their wine glasses , then head to the front stoop of Joe 's house , licking our spoils all the way . When you 're on vacation you don 't need to wear a watch . You can go by the tide or the shadows on sidewalks or the pangs of hunger in your belly . And when you 're on vacation you don 't have to worry about people knowing you . You can do as you please . Come and go as you wish . You can be who ever you 'd like to be - like Michael or Sal or Roger . It all makes no difference . So tonight I 'm Randolph and I work in Wisconsin , and I 'm in South Beach for the weekend . I 'm also very successful , but I don 't like to talk about that because I 'm humble . I think that 's what she probably notices first : my humility . She walks over to me and leans on the bar . She gives me the look like I can buy her a drink . I do - a cosmopolitan . We speak . Her names Carmela . She has soft brown eyes and a quiet sense of humor . " You can just tell . Look there , " she points to a hot brunette making her way to the restroom . She struts her stuff by the guy . With his back on the wall , he looks at her , and then looks away toward a group of girls and guys playing pool . " His eyes never looked down her . He didn 't even notice her tits or nothing . He was looking for eye contact and when he didn 't get it , he went back to those college boys playing pool . " " Get out of here , " I say again . " How do you know that he 's looking at the guys ? Maybe he 's looking for a younger girl . Maybe he 's just into college girls . She looks at me and we both take a defiant drink . A couple minutes pass and the brunette is out of the restroom . She walks past the guy again . He doesn 't look . She heads directly to the bar , cutting in between Carmella and me , and orders herself a drink . While she 's waiting she looks at me and smiles . I look back trying not to do it . But I cave and look down at her tits . She gets her drink and walks away . Carmella looks at me and we both laugh . If it was my humility that she first noticed , then I guess I 'd have to say it was her confidence that attracted me . She 's very comfortable with herself . Even now , she lies on the bed naked , one leg crossed nonchalantly on top of her other knee , as she sucks the end of her cigarette . The position makes the fat around her stomach role up like a wave and I can see the cellulite on the bottom of her thighs , but her hands never move to cover it ; the sheets lay idly by , crumpled and sweaty by the base of the bed . She wears her fat well . I turn toward her and place my hand on top and lightly squeeze . It doesn 't faze her . She sticks the cigarette in my mouth . I got a no smoking room , but no one follows that anyway - plus , it 's a vacation and Randolph likes to smoke so I inhale deep . She gets up and heads to the bathroom . She has a nice ass and I watch it until the door closes . I hear the water start to run . I close my eyes and begin to doze . A few minutes later , her phone goes off . I open my eyes . It 's a really annoying ring - it 's one of the ring tones that come with the phone . I get up and knock on the bathroom door . The door opens and I hand it to her . She takes it in and calls him back . The door closes again , but I can still hear her talking . I hold her purse in front of me , then stick my hand inside . I weed through a tampon , some gum , chap - stick , a few loose coins and some hair clips . I pull out her licensee and a cigarette . I head back to the bed , light up , and blow a puff of smoke onto her picture . Her hair 's in a bun and she 's wearing glasses . It reads : Jessica Prichet . She 's from Connecticut and her birthday is in May . We 're delayed . The plane takes off at eight thirty . I have a magazine and don 't really care . The flight is only two hours to Newark . The flight attendant asks us to fasten our seatbelts for the landing . I buckle up and sit in quiet anticipation . The moment when you 're just about to hit the runway has an oddly calming effect on me . I can sit back and let my brain go on autopilot . Just sit as the wheels of the plane come out , hovering mere feet from the asphalt . For that brief moment , I look at the TV in the back of the chair before me . It 's turned off along with all other electronics . I stare at the reflection before me and a guy stares back , a guy sitting in a living room with his wife and two kids , eating a TV dinner and watching reality shows . Then with a light thud , the wheels meet the runway , steadying me . Randolph disappears , and Jason steps out and takes his seat . Sometimes , usually during our TV dinners , I find myself thinking about Randolph and Carmella . They were a good match . They could have been together and have been happy . They could have been anything they wanted to be . He had leathery skin and dirty fingernails . Not the kind that were unattractive , but the kind that said he was a hard worker . At that moment , though , they were on break - quietly strumming the base of a guitar as he made his way up and down the aisle . There were only a handful of people in the car and he had space to move about and sing softly to himself . Every once in a while he 'd stop in front of me , reach up , and pluck a pen hidden between an ear and an old timer 's hat . Then , bending over his guitar , he 'd wet the tip with his tongue and jot down a note or two in his flip - pad . He wore a serious look when he wrote . His eyes narrowed and his lower lip came up and massaged his seasoned mustache . He wore a heavy knapsack with a sleeping bag rolled up on the top . When he 'd write , the whole thing would ride up his neck . It didn 't seem to bother him much , but watching him I couldn 't help but readjust my own belongings . I had used a similar bag when I first got married and went backpacking , laughing my way through Eastern Europe . That was when I first got married - before that bag got heavy . I tucked the box under my arm and fixed the strap to my purse . The man continued to walk and sing . I looked at my watch . I got stuck at work again and was going to be late . It got more and more crowded as we moved along and eventually the man had to stop . He slunk his bag onto the floor and took a seat on the other end of the car . He kept his guitar with him still and continued to play . The people near him seemed to be annoyed - either at the space he was taking up or the singing ; I couldn 't tell which it was . I was beginning to get bothered as well . Not with him , though . Body odor had begun to creep about the compartment ; I could feel it nesting in my hair . I wondered if it smelled less where he was . I decided it probably didn 't . I tucked the box back under my arm again , stretched my sleeve over my hand , and took hold of the metal bar in front of me . We stopped . More people rushed in . I watched as expensive people dressed in their work attire filtered through the doors , their pupils dilating heavy sighs of relief . I knew that feeling . Phones don 't work on subways . " My son 's birthday , " I nodded back . I could feel her eyes glide over my empty fingers hanging on display across the metal bar . I turned the other way . Between the tangles of body parts I could still see the man , his eyes closed , his head bobbing along to the strumming . He didn 't seem to feel the angry stares . " Ah , lovely . My sons are all grown . The oldest just moved to Philadelphia . He 's an architect . Well , not to surprising , is it ? Like father like son . Anywho , they have a wonderful program in Philadelphia and his wife is from there as well , so , " she said , her eyebrows raised with an impressive air . " How old is your boy ? " " She 's pregnant too , " she said , her hand reaching out to my shoulder . I flinched . She took it for confusion . " My oldest ' wife , " she explained . " Beth . She 's pregnant . Not that I 'm supposed to be telling people yet . But … " her crows ' feet came out . " A grandmother . One day you 'll understand , dear . " " Ah , a young architect as well then . Well it 's never too early to know . Paul knew right from the moment he was old enough to go to work with his father . " Her eyebrows raised again . " All he wanted to do was build . It 's in the genes . It was in Paul 's genes . " She opened her mouth to continue . I leaned in slightly as to hedge her next question , " Did you buy him Lego for his birthdays ? " The old woman 's face got screwed up , then cracked into what seemed like a million different paths . She had an old laugh that reminded me of my own father . It made me feel young , like a little girl again . When I was nine , my father took me out to dinner . It was a treat because I wasn 't usually allowed to go out on school nights . My mother had a night shift and didn 't need to know , he said . So we went . It was only going to be us , but my father ran into a friend at the diner . She joined us . They were good friends it turned out . They had stories and jokes I didn 't get . She made one joke that my father thought was hysterical . He laughed and hit the table with his fist . His fist turned into fingers that slithered across the table towards her hand . She had a fresh manicure and I remember it was a beautiful pink . His fingers wrapped around them . I watched and she looked at me . Then my father looked at me . His fingers scurried back into a fist . I got a milkshake . I got a milkshake again when Jake was born and his father snaked his way out of our lives . I figured that was as good a place as any to end the conversation . I looked at the man and kept looking at him and away from the old woman . I don 't know what it was exactly . There was something about the way he moved , the way his hiker boots slumped off the seat and kicked to the music that pulled me in close . And that bag , too . There was something is all I can say . We shook . He scooted over , leaving me a half a patch of plastic . I took it , careful not to sit on his coat . It was a tight fit and I could feel his hip resting on mine . I glanced over at the old woman . She had moved onto someone else . She was laughing that old laugh . For a moment I thought of leaving . That I must have lost it . Like I finally just cracked up inside . That the air in there was flavored badly … and the old woman . I thought about all of this and I thought of picking up and walking away . But then he spoke and there was that something pulling me in again . Jesse readjusted a couple of things . Tapped on the base with his palm and bobbed his head again . With his eyes closed so tight and hard , he began to sing or maybe he was praying . People were looking again . I closed my eyes and I could feel his hip gliding across mine as he swayed slowly and softly . And as he got going , I could feel his voice vibrating through me , too . I don 't know . But I was glad I stayed . I opened my eyes . He was looking at me . He was looking at me and for a moment or two , I got lost in his gaze , inside the black . His eyelids never shuttered . He was inviting me in . So I did . I walked right into the black and listened from inside . He continued to sing and I listened . He had an easy voice that sounded right . It sounded like aged wine collecting notes from its oak barrel . It was sweet and soothing . I didn 't understand a word he said and I didn 't care either . But each syllable was sung with all of him . And , then , it was like a light went on . Maybe it was the blitz of lights flashing by the car windows or maybe it came from inside my head or maybe it was from inside his , but whatever it was , it was clear to me . I could see him . With his bag and his guitar , I could see this man . There were signs inside his head too that I could read as I wandered through the ally of his soul : " No greener grass , " " No other , " " No neighbor 's car . " And he let me . But that 's not what I 'm trying to say . It was more than that . He gave me a candle and said go ahead . Explore . And as I did , the people around us melted away like wax . " Everyone I meet says the same , " he said . " I 've been wandering around myself , you know . " He tapped his bag . " Everything I own is in that bag and this guitar . Everything is here . " The train stopped . I thanked him . He tipped his hat at me . I bumped into the old woman on the platform . She gave me the eyebrows . I shrugged and made my way up the stairs . My father walked out from the kitchen . His back must 've been hurting because he was hunched to his left . Sometimes it looks like there 's an invisible weight draping him . " Oh … she 's a nutter , " he said wiping it away with his hand . " I don 't even understand how Brian put up with her for so long , rest his soul . Then again , he thought the same of … . " I love my father . We are close now , more than we ever were . But there are some topics we choose to let be . Mom is or was one of them . It 's something we learned to do . We know there are only so many ways we cannot agree . It isn 't easy . The apartment is small . It 's really all I can afford . My father wanted us to move . He said he would help . We both knew I wouldn 't take it , though . Every once in a while he 'll offer again and I 'll say I 'll think about it . " Mommy ! " Jake ran in as he always does - grabbing both my legs and sticking his head through . " Look Ada , I 'm in the stocks . " He let his wrists turn to dead fish . There was mud from Jake 's shoes on the carpet . The sofa cushions were missing . Later I 'd find that they became the walls of an Indian fort . Some of it wasn 't Jake 's doing , though . The columns of mail on the coffee table are my fault . Bills mostly . There 's just never any time . For bills or for dating . Jake sat on my father 's lap , galloping on his knees as I spread candles on his ice cream cake . There were only six candles in the box . I quickly washed a dirty knife from the sink and brought it all over to the table . Again Jake closed his eyes . For a long time we sat , waiting . His face screwed up in concentration as the candles dripped wax onto the cake - but he kept his eyes closed , hard and tight . Finally he opened his eyes , smiled , and , in one breath , blew out all six . I lingered in the dark . Closed my eyes for good measure . I was hesitant but I did it anyway . And there I was . Again . I stepped right into the black . I took a deep breath , letting the birthday smoke waft Jake 's wish into my nostrils . I held it in me and felt it glide down the back of my throat . I could feel it flutter through my heart - the beat spiraling down my ribcage . I felt my cheeks lift . It was nothing like my father or Jake 's father . It was sweet and innocent and warm . It was honest . And there were those hints of aged wine . My father plucked a candle and sucked the bottom like a cigarette . " Nonsense . He can 't answer that . Then it won 't come true , " he laughed , clapping both his hands on Jake 's small shoulder . It was an old laugh . I could feel the weight of those hands . And something stirred inside me like fingers pulling my cheeks down . I looked at him . He looked up with his father 's eyes . It was as though that invisible weight that drapes my father had suddenly cast itself on to me and I could not shake it . That old woman and her unasked question began to speak to me : what does his father do ? I passed Jake the box . I watched as he clawed at it with hungry hands , my father helping him along . " Hey , Jake , " I said . " Jake ? What do you say I come home early tomorrow ? I 'll come home early and we 'll go to the park . Or anywhere . How about that ? How does that sound ? " But they didn 't hear me . Jake gnawed at the plastic . A couple Lego pieces spilled out . My father bounced him around and clapped his back and laughed that old laugh .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . To backtrack a little more , we did get some time to talk to Tad and Ash on the way to Aspienne . While it seemed like we as a group made things a bit more awkward between us and them , we were able to learn some useful things along the way . I had asked Tad where he had sent us to kill the white dragon back in Colonmel and he said that we were sent to the Stormwhite in the south . We don 't have a world map with us , but he said that we could find it on one . I then asked about how we 'd get back to this world if we used the portal piece to get to Menaras . As I asked about it , Cade pulled the piece out of his pocket and I noticed that it was sparking a bit . Tad assured me that we should be able to get back with it , but that arcane things can be a bit temperamental . While camping during the nights , I took some time to try to read my book and I soon grew frustrated . I asked Tad and Ash if they could read anything in it , and they could read what I could . This caused Cade to give them a strange look while he continued to read the book he 'd picked up . After a little while , Cade pulled me off to the side and told me that he was reading a book about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and that he was suspicious that we were sitting around a campfire with two of them . He quickly read it to me and asked me what I thought of it . I told him that some parts of the story sounded familiar , like the plague and finding the cure for it in a blizzard , and that their horses and weapons matched the descriptions of a couple of them . I told him that they knew Infernal and he asked me why that 's important and why I knew the language as well . I explained to him that fiends can speak Infernal , and with my father saying Atlas was a fiend , it was an obvious choice to learn more about them . With that thought and Cade asking if I could sense for fiends , I focused for a bit and was able to tell that there were four fiends in our camp . Cade and I tried to get information out of Tad and Ash , but they constantly seemed to either be telling the truth or were able to work their way around our questions . We did get to learn a little more about them and we also learned a little more about Zen . She 's from Feybridge . I don 't know where that is , but it 's a little more to go off of than just being from the forest . The next two days of traveling were awkward and quiet . I spent most of the time in thought and because of that , Cade threw pebbles at me to break me away from my thoughts and to tell me to stop moping around . Eventually , Tad and Ash dropped us off just outside of Aspienne and we said our goodbyes to them . The town itself was bustling as we went into the city , following the crowd as people congregated around an announcer , who was talking about a tournament that was happening in a few days for adventurers . He said that it would bring fame to the party who won and that there was a wonderful prize as well . Also , the contestants got free housing , free food , free stables for their animals , and were invited to a party hosted by a noble . I thought it sounded like fun , Cade did as well , but Zen had some concerns . Mostly about dying within the competition . I ended up asking the announcer her questions , getting an odd look from him as he explained that the losers just lose and aren 't killed and that they can 't guarantee that we won 't die accidently , but they have clerics on hand to heal us . I signed us up under the name Absit Invidia and received a key to our house . The contestant housing was around the arena we 'd be competing in and it took a while to find what house was ours since the key wasn 't marked . Once we found it and got our things put away , we found a letter inviting us to Lady Eshreal 's estate at seven that evening for a party . The only things we had to do were not to bring weapons and to dress nicely . We went shopping , putting Joel in the stables before we left , and picked up some nicer clothes for us all . Cade and Zen wanted to do a couple other things before returning to the house , so I went back alone and took a bath . The bathtub was large with a variety of fragrant soaps and hot water . My description doesn 't serve it justice because it was absolutely amazing . It 's been ages since I 've had a hot bath . I took my time , making sure my hair was thoroughly cleaned and brushed because I 'm not sure how long it 's been since I 've had the chance to get it completely free of tangles . I stepped out of the bathroom only wearing a towel , I was surprised to find Cade standing near the door . I wasn 't sure if he needed something from me , or if he was just waiting to take a bath as well . I gave him a small smile as I passed him , heading back to my bedroom to dry my hair and dress . Beacon followed behind me , stopping to lick up the water that dripped off of my hair and onto the floor . On my bed was a small box of chocolates from Cade and my dress had been nicely laid out . I tried one of the chocolates , it was from Vocans , and it was sweet but it had a little bit of spice to it . I closed the box and put it away so Beacon wouldn 't mess with it . After a couple of hours of getting ready , it was finally time to go to the party . When we arrived , we were soon greeted by Lady Eshreal herself . She was a beautiful woman , but there was something sinister about her that I couldn 't put my finger on . At the dinner , we were the last ones to arrive and I sat down next to a green dragonborn woman and a tiefling , with Zen on the other side of me since she wanted to sit between Cade and I . The dragonborn and the tiefling were quite nice to talk to and they told me a little about themselves and a bit about the competition . It was mostly just small talk , but they did ask me if I 've traveled the world , and with me saying that no , they encouraged me to do so . Honestly , I was just excited to even see a dragonborn and a tiefling because I 've only heard about them and read about them and to meet a couple of them was pretty amazing . The meal we had seemed to last forever . I 'm not sure how many courses there were but after one set of plates were cleared , another was set down in front of us . There was so much food and it was all so good . I don 't really want to ever see that much great food in one place ever again . After the dinner was over , we were invited to stay and mingle with our fellow contestants and Zen started saying something in some language I didn 't understand over the top of the crowd . When someone finally responded to her , she darted off to go find them . Soon after that I lost track of Cade . I asked if anyone had seen them and people were suggesting that they might have left . I decided that it would be best to just wait and see if they were still here , so I went to one of the walls of the room and stood there , gazing out over the crowd . After a few minutes , Cade emerged from the crowd and told me that Zen found Kalona . I asked him to point him out to me and well , there he was , talking with her . A shiver ran down my spine as a wave of warmth washed over my body . He looked more like a man now than the boy I knew in Frostford . But even then , it was him . It was almost like nothing had changed . My heart raced in my chest and encouraged me to go to him , but I was stuck in place . I didn 't want to show the emotions that flooded my system . I didn 't want to confess that I still felt so strongly about him with Cade 's pleading eyes staring at me . So I stood there , the memories of us flashing before my eyes as I realized one terrible truth after all these years . Soon , Kalona and Zen went their separate ways and I lost sight of him . Longing to see him once more , I went into the crowd again with Cade , trying to find him . Gods , I didn 't expect this reaction , this desire to just see his face one more time . I don 't ever think I 'll understand why I was so desperate in that moment . With a while of searching and no luck of finding him again , Cade and I walked home . My mind was going in circles during that walk , and it didn 't help that Cade was right next to me . I 'm in love with Kalona , but I 'm in a relationship with Cade . Do I love Cade ? I think so , but then again , do I really know what love actually is or what it feels like ? I thought I did , but now I 'm not so sure . When I was younger , I was certain that I loved Kalona . My time with him was a wildfire . Our love for each other was passionate and desperate . We knew the stakes . We knew the dangers . We knew what would happen if our families found out but we didn 't care about the consequences . We had each other and that 's all that ever mattered . With Cade , it 's been completely different . We 've always been close , but I thought of him as a friend at first , and then a brother , and then finally more than that over the time I 've known him . It 's the little sideways glances , the way he smiles at me , his laugh , and how he always seems to know how to cheer me up . It 's a little ember , smoldering with the potential to grow into something more , into something that could last . He 's trying to stoke the flames . He 's invested in this , in us . But am I ? In that moment , I realized that at the end of the day , I 'm not the person everyone believes me to be . I 'm someone who 's willing to risk it all if it means that my family is safe . I 'm someone who 's willing to die for my family if it means that they can continue to survive . From the day I left Frostford , I was sure I was going to die . I wasn 't afraid of it , but I didn 't want to die before I saw my father and my brother one last time . I guess it was that drive to know what happened , to figure out how to fix the mess that was made in Frostford , and to eventually see my family prosper again that keep me going and made me feel that I needed to do whatever it takes to get me closer to that goal . Now , things are a bit different . Ever since I met Cade , I 've lost a bit of that edge . He 's shown me a world that I couldn 't see before . It 's happier here . It 's warmer . There 's so much to see . It makes my problems seem so small compared to everything else . I 've lost sight of why I left Frostford all those years ago and for a while , I didn 't care . I only cared about him . Because of that , I was trying to be the best person I could be . However , the two worlds I 've experienced are now colliding and I 'm not sure what to do . My old desires , plans , and schemes are come back into mind but now I 've put Cade in the crossfire . This isn 't just about the Graysons and the Fletchers , this isn 't just Kalona and I . Cade 's in danger because of how I feel and I 'm not sure how I 'm going to pull the focus off of him . Anything I do now is going to hurt him , and that 's something I desperately don 't want to do . I know I 'm already hurting him . I 'm a terrible person . I 'm here , walking with a wonderful man that I should be grateful to have in my life and yet I 'm thinking about Kalona and my own personal gain . I 'm lost in a relationship that happened in the past when I should be focusing on the one I 'm in at the moment . I 'm considering my options , how to make the best of this situation when I know all I 'm going to do is hurt those around me . Why am I willing to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of my family ? I felt the tears stinging my eyes and I knew that I didn 't deserve to have someone like Cade in my life . " Klara , are we a thing ? Are we serious about this ? " Cade asked , pulling me away from my thoughts . The look in his eyes caused my heart to ache more than it already was . I told him yes , and he seemed to relax a little , but I didn 't feel any relief . It only made me feel worse . A little ways ahead of us was a young man , not too much younger than I , but looking very lost . We went up to him and he asked us if we knew the way back to the contestant housing . We let him tag along with us as we made our way back . His name was Alistair , he was from Readmont , and he said that he was with the Reaper Gang . We talked with him for a little while longer , Cade having a peculiar look on his face as he glanced at me at the mention that Zen wouldn 't be back yet , before we finally made it to the contestant housing . Alistair told us goodbye as he walked towards one of the houses , but his goodbye chilled me to my very core . He said my name . I never told him my name . My gut reaction was to kill him , but with no weapons , there wasn 't much I could do so I went up to him instead . With my hand clutching his collar at the nape of his neck , I asked him how he knew my name . He said that he had overheard it at the dinner . From what I could tell , he was telling the truth so I released my grip but that didn 't make me any less suspicious of him . I watched him carefully as he entered one of the houses before turning back to Cade . I couldn 't help but think of the worst possible situation at that moment . He didn 't look like that magical boy who had been kidnapping children , I didn 't think he was a Horseman , but I wasn 't sure if he was a spy for Atlas or not . Maybe he was a part of the Reaper Gang , or just a servant they had brought along with them . Either way , the fact that he knew my name put me on edge . After asking if I was okay , Cade toyed around with the idea of us having the house to ourselves for a while before Zen got back . With everything that was rolling around in my mind at the time , the suggestion caught me off guard . Cade was tripping over himself a little bit , probably worried that he had offended me but you know what , I was sick and tired of worrying . If I could have some time with Cade and not have to think about what was happening around me , then by gods , I was going to take it . Now , I 'm not sure how much detail I want to go into . He told me once that he 'd done this before , but this was my first . I was pretty nervous to begin . I mean , I didn 't know what to expect . I had only ever thought about this and the majority of the time , at least in the past , I was thinking about Kalona . We went to one of the bedrooms farthest from Zen 's and after he closed the door , he took me by the hands and asked me again if I wanted to do this . I said yes , but that I was nervous . With a smile , he promised me that we would take all the time we needed for me to feel comfortable , and that if I ever changed my mind and didn 't want to continue , all I had to do was say so . There was something about the way that he looked at me that spurred me forward , forgetting my nerves in an instant . I took a hold of the collar of his shirt , pulling him into an eager kiss , as he wrapped arms around me . My hands caressed his jaw as he pushed me up against the wall . The feeling of his body pressing against mine sent me into frenzy . Whatever I 'd been feeling just minutes before were nonexistent and I was certain of what I wanted . He pulled away slightly and his green eyes gazed into mine for a moment . There was something in them , some spark , that I had never really seen in them before . Already a bit breathless , I gave him a small smile just before his lips lightly grazed against my jaw . I tilted my head back , biting my lip , as I moved into him , allowing his hands to room to work as begun to unlace the back of my dress . My body tensed for a moment as I started to feel the dress loosening while my hands worked rapidly at the knot of his tie and the buttons of his vest and his shirt . He had a warm smile on his lips as my hands rested on his bare chest , his shirt hanging loosely on his shoulders . His hands were on my hips as I felt the sleeves of my dress slowly slide down my arms , causing my skin to prickle . He asked me if I was alright and after assuring him I was , he let go of me and allowed his shirt to fall to the floor . I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs as I clutched the front of my dress to my chest . I was exhilarated , longing for his closeness and his touch , but as he moved away to remove his boots , nervousness once again ate at me . My dress was loose and if I let go of it , it was going to fall to the floor . I don 't know why that bothered me so much . We 'd seen each other barely clothed before during our travels , but this felt different . I felt more exposed . I felt vulnerable . It was more than just being naked in front of him . I walked past him , stepping out of my shoes , as he sat on the edge of the bed . I heard his boots thud against the floor as he tossed them closer to the door and the bed shift as he stood up but I didn 't look at him . I stared at the wall , trying to focus . He had always been there for me from day one . We barely knew each other then , but he still trusted me . He brought out a different side of me . There was no reason for me to be feel so vulnerable . " Klara , " his voice was filled with his concern . I let go . The dress slipped down my sides and hit the floor . I turned and looked at him as he walked over to me . His hands gently held my jaw as I closed my eyes and he rested his forehead against mine . The fear was gone , my worries slipped away , and in that moment , I knew that this man meant more to me than I could ever understand . I gazed at him , his eyes were closed , his brow furrowed , and the corners of his mouth were taught . I pulled away from him slightly , which caused him to look me in the eye as I smiled . " I love you , Cade , " I said warmly as the tension left his face . He smiled as well , replying with a soft , " I love you too . " In that moment , nothing else in the world mattered . Now , I 'm not going into anymore detail than that . I don 't feel comfortable with it , especially since I imagine that if I did write out the rest , someone who I don 't want to read this part would find my journal with an extremely personal moment within it . That would be embarrassing and I most likely wouldn 't know how to explain myself . So if I did give this journal for you to read , sorry for the slightly personal moment and you 're welcome that I spared you from more detail . Some things are better left unsaid . As I woke the next morning , it took me a moment to get my bearings . I shifted to look at him , and when I looked into his face , my heart panged with guilt . For a moment , I was expecting to see Kalona and the thoughts from yesterday came rushing back into my mind . Cade 's chest rose and fell gently as I studied him , noticing how peaceful he seemed as I tried to process what I was feeling . Why did he choose to love me ? Why did he feel that I was worth his time ? It hurts to know that he loves me . It hurts to know that he trusts me with his heart when I 'm willing to sacrifice so much for something that I may never be able to obtain . I 'm so afraid I 'm going to hurt him that I 'm hurting myself and I 'm okay with that . I 'm used to the pain , I 'm trying to protect him , but I 'm not sure how long that will last . I can only protect him so much . It 's going to be harder to protect him from myself but I 'm going to try my best . Later that morning , we made our way to the arena for the beginning of the competition . We were chosen to go first after the announcement of the beginning of the competition and the previous year 's winners had been introduced . The group that had won last year was a group of bards called N ' SYNC . As we made our way down into the arena , it progressively got darker to the point that I couldn 't see anymore . Now , I could lie and say that it was an epic battle that will go down in history for ages to come but in all honesty , I couldn 't see a damn thing except for the flashes of light from spells across the arena . I hung out by the wall and eventually , we could see again and we had won our first match . We hung around afterwards to watch the other groups compete and it was an impressive sight . It was easy to see that everyone competing in the competition was very skilled . I watched Kalona 's team compete and they ended up winning . All I could think of was how much I wanted to talk to him . By the end of the first day , it was announced that tomorrow we 'd be facing Swiftstriker . I asked Cade to come with me to talk to Kalona , but to stay in the background until something happened and I needed him . This is the part where Cade and I stalked Kalona Fletcher around the city for a few hours . I didn 't think he would ever leave his group but our patience paid off . Eventually , Kalona was alone and I went up to him . He wasn 't paying attention to me as I approached him . He was wearing nice clothing under a breastplate and he had two swords on him . My heart was pounding and I hesitated for a moment before I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said his name . He turned to face me , seeming a little surprised as he greeted me . Cade wasn 't near me , but I could feel his gaze on me as my nerves started to get the better of me . Quickly , I told Kalona that I wanted to talk him , maybe get some dinner or over a few drinks , as I felt my eyes begin to sting . I was breaking under the pressure , but I couldn 't let either one of them see . He agreed and invited me to meet him at the Sanctuary Inn at 6 later that evening and gave me directions on how to get there . With that , we went our separate ways and Cade and I returned to the house so I could get ready . He seemed upset , even though he assured me he was alright and that he was coming with me tonight . I tried to ignore him as I dressed for the evening in the blue dress I got in Chipenden and put my hair up into a bun , even though he came into my room a couple times looking for stockings to stuff into the dress he was wearing . I had questions for Kalona that only he could answer , but there was something I needed to apologize about as well , and I needed to know if what the banshee said months ago was right . I felt like I was making a mistake , especially after my father told me to avoid him because he was dangerous . However , my father didn 't know about our past relationship . He didn 't know that his daughter was in love with a Fletcher . A little before I needed to leave , Cade told me that he was leaving while I put my quiver , bow , and sword on . I followed Kalona 's directions and saw him waiting for me there and when I approached him , he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else because he saw Cade go in before I arrived . He wasn 't sure if I wanted us to be alone or not . I told him that it would be best if we went somewhere else and we went to the Knight 's Flagon Inn . After ordering a couple drinks , I thanked him for coming with me and I told him that there was something that I needed to apologize for . I told him that I was sorry for how I left him in Frostford because I wasn 't thinking straight at the time . I was upset about what happened and I was looking for anyone to blame and I decided to blame him . He didn 't deserve it , it was out of his control and yet I still blamed him for it . There was no reason for me to treat him so poorly . He accepted my apology and admitted that he was wrong too . There were things he did that he shouldn 't have done and he was sorry that he did so . One of the things that stuck with me was that he said I deserved a happy ending . At that moment , I was hurting and I think he could see . He told me he was here to help . Trying to push away my feelings , I asked him what happened back in Frostford before he left and he told me that he got his ass beat and he had found out what his father had done . He looked at me , his eyes almost pleading , and told me that I couldn 't let his father find me and I shouldn 't trust his team , especially the dragonborn that was with him . Kalona explained to me that the dragonborn , named Faerroth , was pretty shifty and he suspected that he was a spy for his father . He also told me that the last he heard , my brother was in Noragate . We talked for a couple hours more , sharing stories of our adventures and catching up in general . Kalona looked at his hands a lot , rubbing faint scars on them , and I wasn 't sure if it was because I wanted to say something more , but he seemed like he wanted to tell me something . I asked if everything was alright and he said he was okay , his eyes avoiding my gaze , and he asked me to stay safe for his sake . I told him that I 'd try my best but I couldn 't make any promises . As we spoke , my heart grew heavier as I remember the times where life was easier , I was with him , and I was happy . We had both come so far since then , and being here with him , I realized just how broken I was . I was hurting , I was in a lot of pain , and I was fighting back tears even with a smile on my face because I was here with him . I wanted him to be closer , to feel his touch , and to feel his lips on mine just one more time . I wanted him , I was still madly in love with him , but I didn 't know if he felt the same way . I wanted to imagine that he did but I didn 't know for sure . I fought to remain composed , to be the Klara he remembered me to be , but he had one more question for me . At that , I felt the facade I was trying to put on fade away and I decided that I needed to completely honest with him . I told him I wasn 't . I told him that there was a few things that I was happy about but that I was worried about what was going to happen in the coming weeks and that I was scared . I wasn 't sure that me or my friends were going to live through the things we were going to face and I admitted that I wish things would go back to the way they were before we left Frostford . At that , he did something I didn 't expect him to do . He gently put his hand on mine and I felt all the tension melt away . He told me that everything was going to be okay , that I was going to survive , and that I 'd show the world that it couldn 't fuck with Klara Grayson . I stared at his hand as he said so , feeling relieved by the sudden lack of tension as I begun to realize that he just might still be in love with me . With that thought , I took his hand and held it in mine , closing my eyes as I told him that he has more confidence in mine than I have in myself and thanking him for helping me feel better . He told me that he 's confident in me because he knows how strong I am , how I 've stood strong and survived whatever the world has thrown at me . I looked into his eyes . He was my first friend , my first love . He was , for a long time and maybe still is , the only person who truly understood me . He was always there for me . He always had my back . I was just now beginning to understand how much I missed him and how lucky I was to have him in my life . I asked him if we could get to together and talk again , maybe make a trip to the library he told me about that 's within the city . He smiled and told me that he 'd love to go with me . He walked me back to the houses and as we stood in front of mine , he thanked me and told me goodnight . I wanted to kiss him terribly , my body ached with the thought of it , but I stayed still and wished him goodnight too . I watched him walk back to his house as Beacon came up beside me and nudged my hand , wanting to be petted . I felt like I was back in Frostford for a moment as I watched him walk away . Everything felt like it was right in the world . Everything felt okay . A little bit of hope was shining through the darkness . In that moment , I fell helplessly in love with Kalona Fletcher all over again . I 'm a terrible person , I know . I 've been over it before , but that night I was the most relaxed I 've been in a long while . I wasn 't worrying about the future , I wasn 't concerned about what would happen after we left Aspienne , and I wasn 't thinking about how much I was hurting . By talking with him , he eased my pain and helped me feel whole . It was something I realized that I hadn 't felt in a long time . I had spent so much time trying to be someone I 'm not , someone better than the person I am , that I didn 't know what it was like to be the person I used to be and I had shattered myself into thousands of pieces . I hate myself . It 's something that 's taken me awhile , years even , to admit . It 's the reason I 've tried to be a good person in the past before I met Cade and Zen because I was trying to prove to myself that I 'm better than the person I think I am . Self - doubt plagued me in the years on my own , I started blaming myself for things that were out of my control , and I was bitter about the situation I was in . I wanted to hate others to give reason to my pain , so I decided to hate the Fletcher 's and the Waicox 's . Those people , Atlas , Orla , Kalona , Hiberius , and Kala , were something I could focus on , something I could focus my bitterness and anger towards . At the time , I thought I wanted revenge against them , against the people who I thought had wronged my family , but it was just a way for me to try to reason with the situation I was in . It was a way to make me feel better about myself . I 've had enough with writing my emotions for a while . There 's some things I need to sort out myself before I write them down . Anyway , the next morning , we returned to the arena for the second day of competition . This time things went a bit differently than the last . One , I could see , and two , the arena was now a forest with a river running in the middle of it and two towers on opposite ends . Seeing this , I raced for one of the towers as my party made their way across the river . I climbed up to the top to see who we were facing and it was one Goliath Sorcerer , who dropped Zen with a single spell . It was a fairly tough fight without Zen , but Cade and I managed to defeat him . I was just excited that I was finally able to use the bowstring I bought in Caster .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . To backtrack a little more , we did get some time to talk to Tad and Ash on the way to Aspienne . While it seemed like we as a group made things a bit more awkward between us and them , we were able to learn some useful things along the way . I had asked Tad where he had sent us to kill the white dragon back in Colonmel and he said that we were sent to the Stormwhite in the south . We don 't have a world map with us , but he said that we could find it on one . I then asked about how we 'd get back to this world if we used the portal piece to get to Menaras . As I asked about it , Cade pulled the piece out of his pocket and I noticed that it was sparking a bit . Tad assured me that we should be able to get back with it , but that arcane things can be a bit temperamental . While camping during the nights , I took some time to try to read my book and I soon grew frustrated . I asked Tad and Ash if they could read anything in it , and they could read what I could . This caused Cade to give them a strange look while he continued to read the book he 'd picked up . After a little while , Cade pulled me off to the side and told me that he was reading a book about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and that he was suspicious that we were sitting around a campfire with two of them . He quickly read it to me and asked me what I thought of it . I told him that some parts of the story sounded familiar , like the plague and finding the cure for it in a blizzard , and that their horses and weapons matched the descriptions of a couple of them . I told him that they knew Infernal and he asked me why that 's important and why I knew the language as well . I explained to him that fiends can speak Infernal , and with my father saying Atlas was a fiend , it was an obvious choice to learn more about them . With that thought and Cade asking if I could sense for fiends , I focused for a bit and was able to tell that there were four fiends in our camp . Cade and I tried to get information out of Tad and Ash , but they constantly seemed to either be telling the truth or were able to work their way around our questions . We did get to learn a little more about them and we also learned a little more about Zen . She 's from Feybridge . I don 't know where that is , but it 's a little more to go off of than just being from the forest . The next two days of traveling were awkward and quiet . I spent most of the time in thought and because of that , Cade threw pebbles at me to break me away from my thoughts and to tell me to stop moping around . Eventually , Tad and Ash dropped us off just outside of Aspienne and we said our goodbyes to them . The town itself was bustling as we went into the city , following the crowd as people congregated around an announcer , who was talking about a tournament that was happening in a few days for adventurers . He said that it would bring fame to the party who won and that there was a wonderful prize as well . Also , the contestants got free housing , free food , free stables for their animals , and were invited to a party hosted by a noble . I thought it sounded like fun , Cade did as well , but Zen had some concerns . Mostly about dying within the competition . I ended up asking the announcer her questions , getting an odd look from him as he explained that the losers just lose and aren 't killed and that they can 't guarantee that we won 't die accidently , but they have clerics on hand to heal us . I signed us up under the name Absit Invidia and received a key to our house . The contestant housing was around the arena we 'd be competing in and it took a while to find what house was ours since the key wasn 't marked . Once we found it and got our things put away , we found a letter inviting us to Lady Eshreal 's estate at seven that evening for a party . The only things we had to do were not to bring weapons and to dress nicely . We went shopping , putting Joel in the stables before we left , and picked up some nicer clothes for us all . Cade and Zen wanted to do a couple other things before returning to the house , so I went back alone and took a bath . The bathtub was large with a variety of fragrant soaps and hot water . My description doesn 't serve it justice because it was absolutely amazing . It 's been ages since I 've had a hot bath . I took my time , making sure my hair was thoroughly cleaned and brushed because I 'm not sure how long it 's been since I 've had the chance to get it completely free of tangles . I stepped out of the bathroom only wearing a towel , I was surprised to find Cade standing near the door . I wasn 't sure if he needed something from me , or if he was just waiting to take a bath as well . I gave him a small smile as I passed him , heading back to my bedroom to dry my hair and dress . Beacon followed behind me , stopping to lick up the water that dripped off of my hair and onto the floor . On my bed was a small box of chocolates from Cade and my dress had been nicely laid out . I tried one of the chocolates , it was from Vocans , and it was sweet but it had a little bit of spice to it . I closed the box and put it away so Beacon wouldn 't mess with it . After a couple of hours of getting ready , it was finally time to go to the party . When we arrived , we were soon greeted by Lady Eshreal herself . She was a beautiful woman , but there was something sinister about her that I couldn 't put my finger on . At the dinner , we were the last ones to arrive and I sat down next to a green dragonborn woman and a tiefling , with Zen on the other side of me since she wanted to sit between Cade and I . The dragonborn and the tiefling were quite nice to talk to and they told me a little about themselves and a bit about the competition . It was mostly just small talk , but they did ask me if I 've traveled the world , and with me saying that no , they encouraged me to do so . Honestly , I was just excited to even see a dragonborn and a tiefling because I 've only heard about them and read about them and to meet a couple of them was pretty amazing . The meal we had seemed to last forever . I 'm not sure how many courses there were but after one set of plates were cleared , another was set down in front of us . There was so much food and it was all so good . I don 't really want to ever see that much great food in one place ever again . After the dinner was over , we were invited to stay and mingle with our fellow contestants and Zen started saying something in some language I didn 't understand over the top of the crowd . When someone finally responded to her , she darted off to go find them . Soon after that I lost track of Cade . I asked if anyone had seen them and people were suggesting that they might have left . I decided that it would be best to just wait and see if they were still here , so I went to one of the walls of the room and stood there , gazing out over the crowd . After a few minutes , Cade emerged from the crowd and told me that Zen found Kalona . I asked him to point him out to me and well , there he was , talking with her . A shiver ran down my spine as a wave of warmth washed over my body . He looked more like a man now than the boy I knew in Frostford . But even then , it was him . It was almost like nothing had changed . My heart raced in my chest and encouraged me to go to him , but I was stuck in place . I didn 't want to show the emotions that flooded my system . I didn 't want to confess that I still felt so strongly about him with Cade 's pleading eyes staring at me . So I stood there , the memories of us flashing before my eyes as I realized one terrible truth after all these years . Soon , Kalona and Zen went their separate ways and I lost sight of him . Longing to see him once more , I went into the crowd again with Cade , trying to find him . Gods , I didn 't expect this reaction , this desire to just see his face one more time . I don 't ever think I 'll understand why I was so desperate in that moment . With a while of searching and no luck of finding him again , Cade and I walked home . My mind was going in circles during that walk , and it didn 't help that Cade was right next to me . I 'm in love with Kalona , but I 'm in a relationship with Cade . Do I love Cade ? I think so , but then again , do I really know what love actually is or what it feels like ? I thought I did , but now I 'm not so sure . When I was younger , I was certain that I loved Kalona . My time with him was a wildfire . Our love for each other was passionate and desperate . We knew the stakes . We knew the dangers . We knew what would happen if our families found out but we didn 't care about the consequences . We had each other and that 's all that ever mattered . With Cade , it 's been completely different . We 've always been close , but I thought of him as a friend at first , and then a brother , and then finally more than that over the time I 've known him . It 's the little sideways glances , the way he smiles at me , his laugh , and how he always seems to know how to cheer me up . It 's a little ember , smoldering with the potential to grow into something more , into something that could last . He 's trying to stoke the flames . He 's invested in this , in us . But am I ? In that moment , I realized that at the end of the day , I 'm not the person everyone believes me to be . I 'm someone who 's willing to risk it all if it means that my family is safe . I 'm someone who 's willing to die for my family if it means that they can continue to survive . From the day I left Frostford , I was sure I was going to die . I wasn 't afraid of it , but I didn 't want to die before I saw my father and my brother one last time . I guess it was that drive to know what happened , to figure out how to fix the mess that was made in Frostford , and to eventually see my family prosper again that keep me going and made me feel that I needed to do whatever it takes to get me closer to that goal . Now , things are a bit different . Ever since I met Cade , I 've lost a bit of that edge . He 's shown me a world that I couldn 't see before . It 's happier here . It 's warmer . There 's so much to see . It makes my problems seem so small compared to everything else . I 've lost sight of why I left Frostford all those years ago and for a while , I didn 't care . I only cared about him . Because of that , I was trying to be the best person I could be . However , the two worlds I 've experienced are now colliding and I 'm not sure what to do . My old desires , plans , and schemes are come back into mind but now I 've put Cade in the crossfire . This isn 't just about the Graysons and the Fletchers , this isn 't just Kalona and I . Cade 's in danger because of how I feel and I 'm not sure how I 'm going to pull the focus off of him . Anything I do now is going to hurt him , and that 's something I desperately don 't want to do . I know I 'm already hurting him . I 'm a terrible person . I 'm here , walking with a wonderful man that I should be grateful to have in my life and yet I 'm thinking about Kalona and my own personal gain . I 'm lost in a relationship that happened in the past when I should be focusing on the one I 'm in at the moment . I 'm considering my options , how to make the best of this situation when I know all I 'm going to do is hurt those around me . Why am I willing to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of my family ? I felt the tears stinging my eyes and I knew that I didn 't deserve to have someone like Cade in my life . " Klara , are we a thing ? Are we serious about this ? " Cade asked , pulling me away from my thoughts . The look in his eyes caused my heart to ache more than it already was . I told him yes , and he seemed to relax a little , but I didn 't feel any relief . It only made me feel worse . A little ways ahead of us was a young man , not too much younger than I , but looking very lost . We went up to him and he asked us if we knew the way back to the contestant housing . We let him tag along with us as we made our way back . His name was Alistair , he was from Readmont , and he said that he was with the Reaper Gang . We talked with him for a little while longer , Cade having a peculiar look on his face as he glanced at me at the mention that Zen wouldn 't be back yet , before we finally made it to the contestant housing . Alistair told us goodbye as he walked towards one of the houses , but his goodbye chilled me to my very core . He said my name . I never told him my name . My gut reaction was to kill him , but with no weapons , there wasn 't much I could do so I went up to him instead . With my hand clutching his collar at the nape of his neck , I asked him how he knew my name . He said that he had overheard it at the dinner . From what I could tell , he was telling the truth so I released my grip but that didn 't make me any less suspicious of him . I watched him carefully as he entered one of the houses before turning back to Cade . I couldn 't help but think of the worst possible situation at that moment . He didn 't look like that magical boy who had been kidnapping children , I didn 't think he was a Horseman , but I wasn 't sure if he was a spy for Atlas or not . Maybe he was a part of the Reaper Gang , or just a servant they had brought along with them . Either way , the fact that he knew my name put me on edge . After asking if I was okay , Cade toyed around with the idea of us having the house to ourselves for a while before Zen got back . With everything that was rolling around in my mind at the time , the suggestion caught me off guard . Cade was tripping over himself a little bit , probably worried that he had offended me but you know what , I was sick and tired of worrying . If I could have some time with Cade and not have to think about what was happening around me , then by gods , I was going to take it . Now , I 'm not sure how much detail I want to go into . He told me once that he 'd done this before , but this was my first . I was pretty nervous to begin . I mean , I didn 't know what to expect . I had only ever thought about this and the majority of the time , at least in the past , I was thinking about Kalona . We went to one of the bedrooms farthest from Zen 's and after he closed the door , he took me by the hands and asked me again if I wanted to do this . I said yes , but that I was nervous . With a smile , he promised me that we would take all the time we needed for me to feel comfortable , and that if I ever changed my mind and didn 't want to continue , all I had to do was say so . There was something about the way that he looked at me that spurred me forward , forgetting my nerves in an instant . I took a hold of the collar of his shirt , pulling him into an eager kiss , as he wrapped arms around me . My hands caressed his jaw as he pushed me up against the wall . The feeling of his body pressing against mine sent me into frenzy . Whatever I 'd been feeling just minutes before were nonexistent and I was certain of what I wanted . He pulled away slightly and his green eyes gazed into mine for a moment . There was something in them , some spark , that I had never really seen in them before . Already a bit breathless , I gave him a small smile just before his lips lightly grazed against my jaw . I tilted my head back , biting my lip , as I moved into him , allowing his hands to room to work as begun to unlace the back of my dress . My body tensed for a moment as I started to feel the dress loosening while my hands worked rapidly at the knot of his tie and the buttons of his vest and his shirt . He had a warm smile on his lips as my hands rested on his bare chest , his shirt hanging loosely on his shoulders . His hands were on my hips as I felt the sleeves of my dress slowly slide down my arms , causing my skin to prickle . He asked me if I was alright and after assuring him I was , he let go of me and allowed his shirt to fall to the floor . I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs as I clutched the front of my dress to my chest . I was exhilarated , longing for his closeness and his touch , but as he moved away to remove his boots , nervousness once again ate at me . My dress was loose and if I let go of it , it was going to fall to the floor . I don 't know why that bothered me so much . We 'd seen each other barely clothed before during our travels , but this felt different . I felt more exposed . I felt vulnerable . It was more than just being naked in front of him . I walked past him , stepping out of my shoes , as he sat on the edge of the bed . I heard his boots thud against the floor as he tossed them closer to the door and the bed shift as he stood up but I didn 't look at him . I stared at the wall , trying to focus . He had always been there for me from day one . We barely knew each other then , but he still trusted me . He brought out a different side of me . There was no reason for me to be feel so vulnerable . " Klara , " his voice was filled with his concern . I let go . The dress slipped down my sides and hit the floor . I turned and looked at him as he walked over to me . His hands gently held my jaw as I closed my eyes and he rested his forehead against mine . The fear was gone , my worries slipped away , and in that moment , I knew that this man meant more to me than I could ever understand . I gazed at him , his eyes were closed , his brow furrowed , and the corners of his mouth were taught . I pulled away from him slightly , which caused him to look me in the eye as I smiled . " I love you , Cade , " I said warmly as the tension left his face . He smiled as well , replying with a soft , " I love you too . " In that moment , nothing else in the world mattered . Now , I 'm not going into anymore detail than that . I don 't feel comfortable with it , especially since I imagine that if I did write out the rest , someone who I don 't want to read this part would find my journal with an extremely personal moment within it . That would be embarrassing and I most likely wouldn 't know how to explain myself . So if I did give this journal for you to read , sorry for the slightly personal moment and you 're welcome that I spared you from more detail . Some things are better left unsaid . As I woke the next morning , it took me a moment to get my bearings . I shifted to look at him , and when I looked into his face , my heart panged with guilt . For a moment , I was expecting to see Kalona and the thoughts from yesterday came rushing back into my mind . Cade 's chest rose and fell gently as I studied him , noticing how peaceful he seemed as I tried to process what I was feeling . Why did he choose to love me ? Why did he feel that I was worth his time ? It hurts to know that he loves me . It hurts to know that he trusts me with his heart when I 'm willing to sacrifice so much for something that I may never be able to obtain . I 'm so afraid I 'm going to hurt him that I 'm hurting myself and I 'm okay with that . I 'm used to the pain , I 'm trying to protect him , but I 'm not sure how long that will last . I can only protect him so much . It 's going to be harder to protect him from myself but I 'm going to try my best . Later that morning , we made our way to the arena for the beginning of the competition . We were chosen to go first after the announcement of the beginning of the competition and the previous year 's winners had been introduced . The group that had won last year was a group of bards called N ' SYNC . As we made our way down into the arena , it progressively got darker to the point that I couldn 't see anymore . Now , I could lie and say that it was an epic battle that will go down in history for ages to come but in all honesty , I couldn 't see a damn thing except for the flashes of light from spells across the arena . I hung out by the wall and eventually , we could see again and we had won our first match . We hung around afterwards to watch the other groups compete and it was an impressive sight . It was easy to see that everyone competing in the competition was very skilled . I watched Kalona 's team compete and they ended up winning . All I could think of was how much I wanted to talk to him . By the end of the first day , it was announced that tomorrow we 'd be facing Swiftstriker . I asked Cade to come with me to talk to Kalona , but to stay in the background until something happened and I needed him . This is the part where Cade and I stalked Kalona Fletcher around the city for a few hours . I didn 't think he would ever leave his group but our patience paid off . Eventually , Kalona was alone and I went up to him . He wasn 't paying attention to me as I approached him . He was wearing nice clothing under a breastplate and he had two swords on him . My heart was pounding and I hesitated for a moment before I gently placed my hand on his shoulder and said his name . He turned to face me , seeming a little surprised as he greeted me . Cade wasn 't near me , but I could feel his gaze on me as my nerves started to get the better of me . Quickly , I told Kalona that I wanted to talk him , maybe get some dinner or over a few drinks , as I felt my eyes begin to sting . I was breaking under the pressure , but I couldn 't let either one of them see . He agreed and invited me to meet him at the Sanctuary Inn at 6 later that evening and gave me directions on how to get there . With that , we went our separate ways and Cade and I returned to the house so I could get ready . He seemed upset , even though he assured me he was alright and that he was coming with me tonight . I tried to ignore him as I dressed for the evening in the blue dress I got in Chipenden and put my hair up into a bun , even though he came into my room a couple times looking for stockings to stuff into the dress he was wearing . I had questions for Kalona that only he could answer , but there was something I needed to apologize about as well , and I needed to know if what the banshee said months ago was right . I felt like I was making a mistake , especially after my father told me to avoid him because he was dangerous . However , my father didn 't know about our past relationship . He didn 't know that his daughter was in love with a Fletcher . A little before I needed to leave , Cade told me that he was leaving while I put my quiver , bow , and sword on . I followed Kalona 's directions and saw him waiting for me there and when I approached him , he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else because he saw Cade go in before I arrived . He wasn 't sure if I wanted us to be alone or not . I told him that it would be best if we went somewhere else and we went to the Knight 's Flagon Inn . After ordering a couple drinks , I thanked him for coming with me and I told him that there was something that I needed to apologize for . I told him that I was sorry for how I left him in Frostford because I wasn 't thinking straight at the time . I was upset about what happened and I was looking for anyone to blame and I decided to blame him . He didn 't deserve it , it was out of his control and yet I still blamed him for it . There was no reason for me to treat him so poorly . He accepted my apology and admitted that he was wrong too . There were things he did that he shouldn 't have done and he was sorry that he did so . One of the things that stuck with me was that he said I deserved a happy ending . At that moment , I was hurting and I think he could see . He told me he was here to help . Trying to push away my feelings , I asked him what happened back in Frostford before he left and he told me that he got his ass beat and he had found out what his father had done . He looked at me , his eyes almost pleading , and told me that I couldn 't let his father find me and I shouldn 't trust his team , especially the dragonborn that was with him . Kalona explained to me that the dragonborn , named Faerroth , was pretty shifty and he suspected that he was a spy for his father . He also told me that the last he heard , my brother was in Noragate . We talked for a couple hours more , sharing stories of our adventures and catching up in general . Kalona looked at his hands a lot , rubbing faint scars on them , and I wasn 't sure if it was because I wanted to say something more , but he seemed like he wanted to tell me something . I asked if everything was alright and he said he was okay , his eyes avoiding my gaze , and he asked me to stay safe for his sake . I told him that I 'd try my best but I couldn 't make any promises . As we spoke , my heart grew heavier as I remember the times where life was easier , I was with him , and I was happy . We had both come so far since then , and being here with him , I realized just how broken I was . I was hurting , I was in a lot of pain , and I was fighting back tears even with a smile on my face because I was here with him . I wanted him to be closer , to feel his touch , and to feel his lips on mine just one more time . I wanted him , I was still madly in love with him , but I didn 't know if he felt the same way . I wanted to imagine that he did but I didn 't know for sure . I fought to remain composed , to be the Klara he remembered me to be , but he had one more question for me . At that , I felt the facade I was trying to put on fade away and I decided that I needed to completely honest with him . I told him I wasn 't . I told him that there was a few things that I was happy about but that I was worried about what was going to happen in the coming weeks and that I was scared . I wasn 't sure that me or my friends were going to live through the things we were going to face and I admitted that I wish things would go back to the way they were before we left Frostford . At that , he did something I didn 't expect him to do . He gently put his hand on mine and I felt all the tension melt away . He told me that everything was going to be okay , that I was going to survive , and that I 'd show the world that it couldn 't fuck with Klara Grayson . I stared at his hand as he said so , feeling relieved by the sudden lack of tension as I begun to realize that he just might still be in love with me . With that thought , I took his hand and held it in mine , closing my eyes as I told him that he has more confidence in mine than I have in myself and thanking him for helping me feel better . He told me that he 's confident in me because he knows how strong I am , how I 've stood strong and survived whatever the world has thrown at me . I looked into his eyes . He was my first friend , my first love . He was , for a long time and maybe still is , the only person who truly understood me . He was always there for me . He always had my back . I was just now beginning to understand how much I missed him and how lucky I was to have him in my life . I asked him if we could get to together and talk again , maybe make a trip to the library he told me about that 's within the city . He smiled and told me that he 'd love to go with me . He walked me back to the houses and as we stood in front of mine , he thanked me and told me goodnight . I wanted to kiss him terribly , my body ached with the thought of it , but I stayed still and wished him goodnight too . I watched him walk back to his house as Beacon came up beside me and nudged my hand , wanting to be petted . I felt like I was back in Frostford for a moment as I watched him walk away . Everything felt like it was right in the world . Everything felt okay . A little bit of hope was shining through the darkness . In that moment , I fell helplessly in love with Kalona Fletcher all over again . I 'm a terrible person , I know . I 've been over it before , but that night I was the most relaxed I 've been in a long while . I wasn 't worrying about the future , I wasn 't concerned about what would happen after we left Aspienne , and I wasn 't thinking about how much I was hurting . By talking with him , he eased my pain and helped me feel whole . It was something I realized that I hadn 't felt in a long time . I had spent so much time trying to be someone I 'm not , someone better than the person I am , that I didn 't know what it was like to be the person I used to be and I had shattered myself into thousands of pieces . I hate myself . It 's something that 's taken me awhile , years even , to admit . It 's the reason I 've tried to be a good person in the past before I met Cade and Zen because I was trying to prove to myself that I 'm better than the person I think I am . Self - doubt plagued me in the years on my own , I started blaming myself for things that were out of my control , and I was bitter about the situation I was in . I wanted to hate others to give reason to my pain , so I decided to hate the Fletcher 's and the Waicox 's . Those people , Atlas , Orla , Kalona , Hiberius , and Kala , were something I could focus on , something I could focus my bitterness and anger towards . At the time , I thought I wanted revenge against them , against the people who I thought had wronged my family , but it was just a way for me to try to reason with the situation I was in . It was a way to make me feel better about myself . I 've had enough with writing my emotions for a while . There 's some things I need to sort out myself before I write them down . Anyway , the next morning , we returned to the arena for the second day of competition . This time things went a bit differently than the last . One , I could see , and two , the arena was now a forest with a river running in the middle of it and two towers on opposite ends . Seeing this , I raced for one of the towers as my party made their way across the river . I climbed up to the top to see who we were facing and it was one Goliath Sorcerer , who dropped Zen with a single spell . It was a fairly tough fight without Zen , but Cade and I managed to defeat him . I was just excited that I was finally able to use the bowstring I bought in Caster .

I just uploaded 50 , 000 plus words of a new novel to the NaNoWriMo website and have been proclaimed an official winner ! Whoo hoo ! And to celebrate I 'm posting Chapter 7 of Halley and the Mermaid . Thanks again for continuing to read along ! I woke around midnight and at first I didn 't know where I was . I 'd fallen asleep with Annabelle 's diary still on my pillow . I put it back in the treasure box and slid it under my bed . I looked out the window and saw that the sky wasn 't quite dark because of the Summer Dim . They call it that here in Scotland because it stays light almost as long as it does in Alaska in the summer . I thought about getting back in bed and trying to fall back asleep again but I knew it was no use . I quietly crept down the ladder of the loft . I saw that the kitchen door was slightly ajar and I looked out the window . Dad was awake and I could see him in the moonlight . I grabbed a jacket off the peg on the wall and went out the door . He was sitting in a lawn chair , with a pair of binoculars pointed at the moon . " No , I haven 't discovered anything to name yet . Maybe someday … Hey , speaking of discovering , why don 't you come with me tomorrow to Callanish . I need to figure out where to place the telescopes and cameras for next month 's full moon . It 's the one we 've been waiting for ! I 'll lend you my camera and you can take some pictures . " We sat quietly for a while longer . Dad told me a long time ago that he thinks he became an astronomer to give himself something to do when he couldn 't sleep at night . I wished that I could tell him about the diary and Annabelle and the letter to Genevieve . I was so confused by how I was feeling . It seemed like something that I should share with my mother but I didn 't want to and I wasn 't sure why . " He said they don 't know how they were able to lift them into place or exactly why they 're in the design that they 're in but it probably had something to do with the seasons . The solstice and equinox and that stuff . Kind of like a giant calendar . " " He 's right . And about every 18 years the moon seems to skim right along the tops of the stones . That 's what I 'm preparing to film at the next full moon . That 's why I 've been researching here this year . We 're hoping it might reveal something we haven 't noticed yet in the stones . You can also see different stars and constellations highlighted by the largest stones if you come at the right time . Look at this center monolith . It 's more than twice as tall as me ! " " Here 's something you probably don 't know yet . These stones are made of Lewisian Gneiss , which is a metamorphic rock . They started forming over 3 billion years ago . They were exposed during the ice age about two million years ago . " " I 'm just teasing you a little . He 's a pretty smart guy " continued my Dad . " I 'm glad you 've found someone that you like to talk to and you seem to be learning a lot from him . Your mom worries though , you know . " " I know , Dad " I sighed . " She thinks I should have friends my own age . But I really don 't have much in common with the kids here . And I like talking to Jonathan . He doesn 't treat me like a child . I 'm not lonely , Dad , really I 'm not . Can 't you get Mom to back off a little ? " " I 'll do my best , honey . We both love you and want you to be happy , that 's all . And your mom is still really shaken up about what happened at the Corryvreckan . " " Yeah . I guess you 're right . But I am happy . I love it here and I 'm learning so many new things . If we can just do something to make sure the development doesn 't happen … " " Well , kiddo , I 'm not going to lie to you . I don 't see how we 're going to stop that . It 's been approved by the council and seems to be moving forward . " " What do you mean it 's been approved by the council ? You said you 'd go to a meeting with me . When was it approved ? " " I read something in the paper about it recently . We could go to the next meeting though if you want . I never got around to putting it on my calendar last time . You know I can be a little absent minded like that right ? How about if you find out when the next council meeting is and I promise I 'll go with you . I know you 're upset about this . " " Okay , I 'll do that as soon as I get to the village . Hey , remember when Jonathan came for dinner you said we could we take the boat out one day . I want to show him around near the coast . " " Please , Dad . Just talk to her . I promise I 'll be safe . I 'll wear a life jacket and you 'll be with us and there are no whirlpools and it will be fine , really . " Mom was back to her regular schedule the following Monday and had already left for Edinburgh when I woke up . I told Dad I was going to the library and left for the village on my bicycle . I found a notice on the bulletin board at the library that the next community council meeting was in two nights on Wednesday evening . I wrote it down in my notebook so I could show Dad later . After I left the library I pedaled over to the guest house where Jonathan was staying . I hadn 't seen him since before our trip . He wasn 't there so I wrote a note and left it with the owner telling Jonathan to meet us at the community center for the council meeting on Wednesday and that I had something really important to share with him . I couldn 't believe that he didn 't have a cell phone but he was a little bit old fashioned in that way . Dad and I ate dinner early on Wednesday so we could go to the meeting . I was nervous and had no idea what to expect . We walked into the community center and there were six chairs facing us from behind a long table . There were more rows of uncomfortable metal folding chairs set up facing where the council members would sit . Lots of people were milling about and talking in small groups . I was surprised when the council members went to their seats to see Mrs . Muir sitting with them . I hadn 't known she was part of this . I was happy to see Jonathan slip in at the last moment before the chairman called the meeting to order . " Thank you for turning out for this special meeting in such numbers tonight . We 'll have a short presentation about the resort from Mr . MacDonald , our representative from the Western Isles Council , and then we 'll open the floor to questions . " There was a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of what the luxury resort would look like . It focused on the money that would be brought to the community . It looked horrible to me . There were big stone houses that were supposed to look like Scottish castles which is why it had the name Caislin which means little castle in Gaelic . It 's pronounced Cash leen which is just perfect because the only reason the council approved this is because of the money they think it will bring to the village . There was also a central building that would be available to rent for conferences , some fake looking plants and rocks that they claimed would enhance the local landscape and worst of all a swimming pool . Who would want to swim in a swimming pool when the sea was right there ? But then the picture zoomed out to show the whole resort and it was surrounded by a high metal fence . It looked like it would run right across the sea path . I was getting a headache from clenching my teeth so tightly . The whole thing was infuriating . When the presentation was over the people in the room started applauding politely . My father glanced around to see if anyone wanted to speak but no one did . He raised his hand and the chairman nodded to him . He stood up and said " Good evening ladies and gentlemen . My name is Tom Armstrong . My wife Genevieve Irving and our daughter Halley are all living at the Irving croft where my late mother - in - law , Kate Irving , lived for many years . We understand that the proposed development will be on land that separates our land croft from the sea . Halley and her mother spend a great deal of time at the shore . Genny collects algae samples there every week that she 's analyzing at the University of Edinburgh . My question is will the sea path remain in the public domain or will it only be available to the residents and guests of the Caislin Cliffs resort ? " " Thank you Mr . Armstrong for your question and we do hope that you 're finding Scotland to your liking . At this time we don 't have a representative from Caislin Cliffs here but if your wife still needs to get to the shore I don 't think there will be a problem with her continuing to use the path . Of course I can 't guarantee that but the developers have been most accommodating thus far . Next ? " " I 'm Professor Baines from the University of York . I 'm an archaeologist and I specialize in the artifacts and settlements of ancient Great Britain , particularly those of prehistoric and early Bronze Age people . I understand that the development company completed an archaeological study with an in - house team and I would like to know if this council ever requisitioned an independent survey of the land to determine whether or not there may be artifacts or structures at the site ? " " Thank you for your concern , Professor Baines . We 're confident that the survey is accurate and at this time we have no plans for continuing to delay construction . This has been a long process and we voted on it months ago . Now are there any residents from the town village who have questions ? " I groaned inside as I heard this . That meant he saw us as outsiders whose opinions didn 't matter . Several more people came forward with questions . Most of them wanted to know about employment opportunities during the construction phase and as workers at the resort after it was built . I tried to catch Mrs . Muir 's eye but she was looking at Mr . MacDonald . She and Mrs . Fraser had both mentioned how the economy was still in poor shape and I knew people needed jobs . But I kept thinking of this beautiful land being bulldozed so that giant houses could be built for rich people and fences put up to keep the rest of us out . My stomach felt like it was tied in knots . I couldn 't sit still any longer . I got up my courage to speak and raised my hand . The chairman looked surprised when he saw me . My heart was pounding and my mouth was dry . I stood up and could hear my voice shaking . " My name is Halley . I 've only been living here since October but I love it so much . I 've never seen so many different types of birds and wildlife in any other place that I 've lived . I 've been studying the bird population . There are a lot of nests during the spring in the area that 's supposed to be developed . I know the village needs more income but what if we built a wildlife sanctuary or something like that instead of houses ? " I sat down suddenly , surprised that I had talked for so long . Mr . MacDonald cleared his throat . " I 'm sure that Caislin Cliffs will follow the best practices for ensuring the birds and other wildlife are safe during construction . This item was placed before the community council months ago and has already been approved by the Western Isles Council as well . Construction is due to begin on the first of August and we don 't anticipate any delays . And now , if there are no more questions we 'll prepare to adjourn . I felt sick inside when I heard this . The construction was already scheduled . Why hadn 't Mrs . Muir told me ? She hadn 't even told me she was a community council member . If we could have come to a meeting much earlier maybe we could have made a difference but I doubted it . The only way to prevent this from happening was to find something so big , so huge , that the council wouldn 't be able to ignore it . Dad put his arm around my shoulder as we started to file out of the building . Mr . Cruickshank , the local council chair , pulled us aside on our way out . " Frankly Mr . Armstrong I was a little taken aback at your question . Genny already spoke to me about this and I assured her we 'd do what we could to get you a fair price for the croft . " I felt like my body tense . I looked at Dad and he seemed as surprised as I was . Maybe this was why I hadn 't told her about Annabelle . She didn 't have any intention of staying here in Scotland and she didn 't care about her ancestors or where she came from . How could she be so dishonest ? Then I saw Mrs . Muir standing near the door . " Halley , you were so brave to speak up like that . I know this is hard for you , dear . The plovers and oystercatchers will adjust , they always do . Now you cheer up and I 'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow at the library . " I brushed past her , keeping my head down . Dad stayed inside to talk to Mrs . Muir but I left the room and went outside . Jonathan was waiting for me . " You said in your note there was something really important you wanted to tell me . What is it ? " This was my only chance to talk to him privately but suddenly I didn 't want to tell him about the map or the labyrinth . " It 's nothing . I thought I 'd found something important but it turns out it wasn 't . " For a second I felt guilty about lying to him , but I was so upset that I didn 't want to trust anyone , not even Jonathan . Here is the next chapter which some of you have been asking for ! Thank you for your patience and I hope it was worth the wait . This was one of my favorite chapters to write and it answers some very important questions in the story . Please let me know what you think and I 'll post another chapter soon , maybe even on Thanksgiving ! We 've also gotten another choice for the cover and this one is my favorite . Even though my falling overboard had been an accident it almost seemed like I was grounded . Mom was watching me so closely I felt like I was in prison . She had postponed her trip to Edinburgh until the following week so she could keep an eye on me and she kept checking to see if I was alright . The whole time I was thinking about the key . I wanted to try it on the desk drawer when no one was around . I wasn 't sure why I was being so secretive but it felt like something that I had to do alone . For some reason I felt sure that it would work . I tried my best to be patient by staying in bed , reading , sleeping and waiting . Finally on Wednesday morning Mom decided to go into the village for groceries . I think she was getting a little stir crazy too . Dad was meeting with Dr . Brayer and would be back at lunchtime . Mom kept asking me if I was sure I 'd be okay by myself and I finally convinced her that I would be fine for an hour . As soon as I heard the car leaving the drive I jumped out of bed and climbed down the ladder from the loft . I tiptoed into the library and knelt down in front of the desk . I held my breath as I put the key into the lock . It slid in but when I tried to turn it , it stuck . I wiggled it a little bit and it came out . I couldn 't believe that a key would fit in this old lock and not work . Maybe it had rusted from not turning for so many years . I remembered a spray can of oil that I used on my bicycle chain and went outside to get it . I sprayed just a little inside the lock and sat waiting , counting slowly to 100 and feeling my heart pound . Then I tried the key again . It turned . I couldn 't believe it . It actually turned . Very slowly I opened the drawer . I 'm not sure what I expected to find but I was disappointed at first when I found what seemed like a bunch of junk . There was an oil paint palette with dried up paint in it and several paintbrushes wrapped in a rag . There was a nearly empty bottle of linseed oil , the cork had dried up and most of the oil had leaked out . There was another green glass bottle with tiny bubbles in the glass . Under the bottle was a pair of stiff black leather gloves with buttons on the side . They felt like they would break if I bent them . At the very bottom was an old book . Everything looked old and worn out and kind of useless . I slumped down in the chair , feeling tired and hopeless . Why had I had been holding onto the idea that this desk had some kind of secret in it that was going to save the shore ? I put the palette and gloves and bottle on the desk and took out the book and opened it . Inside the front cover were written the words " The Diary of Annabelle Lee " . I wondered who she was . There was an envelope that was sealed with wax and it was addressed " To Genevieve on her 20th birthday " . That was strange . Why would there be a letter to my mother in here ? Next to the envelope was another folded brown piece of paper . I carefully opened it and realized it was a hand drawn map . It was hard to read in the light and I moved closer to the window . It was written in the same handwriting as the diary and the letter , slanted and faded and it looked like it was at least a hundred years old . It was so delicate I was afraid it would crumble in my hands . The map looked like a coastline . The boundaries were uneven and showed a faded blue that seemed to be water and brown and black for land . There was a symbol that looked like a labyrinth laid out over the surface of the land . And I could see as I looked more closely that the area was actually somewhere very familiar . It was of the land right near here , our land , our coast , right along the path to the seashore . I had butterflies in my stomach as I looked more closely . We 've never seen anything like a labyrinth here , there are no rocks or standing stones . What if someone had already destroyed it ? Maybe a farmer had dismantled the whole thing and used it to make a rock wall to keep his sheep from wandering . I couldn 't tell from the map where the entrance to the labyrinth started , it almost looked like it started in the ocean . I thought I heard a car in the drive and my stomach knotted . I quickly locked everything back in the drawer except the diary . I put the chain with the key around my neck and tucked the map inside the diary . I wanted to put it somewhere that it wouldn 't be discovered . I crept up the steps to my loft , holding the book carefully . I slid my treasure box out from under my bed . There was just enough room inside for the diary . I climbed back into bed and lay there trembling and listening to my heart pound . I waited until everyone was in bed that night to slide the box from under my bed . I carefully unlocked it and removed the diary . Even though it seems strange to read about someone else 's private life I was sure that whoever wrote it had been gone for a long time . And I wanted to read the letter to Genevieve too . It couldn 't be for my mom if the key has been lost for such a long time . Maybe it had been written to my great grandmother . I am so excited to be on land at last . After much talk I have convinced my family to allow me to work as a " Herring Girl " during this summer in Stornoway . It is one of the few ways that people such as myself can slip into the world of humans without arousing suspicion . Here I can walk around on land and be with the people who only come to the water in their boats , seldom swimming and when they do , they struggle so ! After completing the spiral walk I have transformed and can speak as they do . I have clothing now , dresses and petticoats , hats and shoes ! The shoes are the hardest to grow accustomed to . They squeeze my feet and I have had to learn to fold the webbing so it doesn 't rub against the leather . My shoes are larger than any of the other girls who work here , but none seem to notice . We have a good time talking together , gutting the fish and throwing them into the barrels with salt to preserve them . I cannot eat my fish like that , I prefer it fresh and cold as it is when caught in my hands . But here I pretend to be like everyone else and eat the food that the other girls eat . There are two of us gutting the fish and one who packs it into the barrels . I bought myself a pair of soft black leather gloves to cover the roughness of my hands when I am through working . There is a fine looking man who comes round to inspect the barrels and he has caught me looking at him more than once . Tomorrow I shall be bold and ask him his name . So it wasn 't just my imagination ! There were actual mermaids ! And they could live on land and work and talk and everything ! I kept reading , growing more and more excited … Today I asked the man his name and he is called Caillum . He acted pleased that I had asked him and then when he came back later to weigh our barrel he asked me if I would go to a Ceilidh with him later this week . It is a dance and there is music . I surprised myself by saying yes . His eyes are the clearest grey I 've ever seen , like the clouds right before the hard storms in autumn . I told him my name is Annabelle and that is all . The Ceilidh was like nothing I could have imagined . There was music and dancing and food and drink . I danced until my poor feet could take no more and then Caillum came and sat with me by the docks and brought me something to eat . He asked me where my family lives and I told him it 's far from here . How he would run if he knew the truth ! I am still here in Stornoway and Caillum comes by every evening to walk me to the boarding house where I stay with the other girls . He is such a fine man , so gentle and sweet to me . He tells me his family has land here and he works it with his brother when he is not inspecting the herring . I am afraid that he is looking for a wife and I could never be his . I can 't bear to send him away though . I look at his eyes and imagine what my life would be like if I were to give up the sea and stay on land . But I could never … It was as I feared . Caillum is looking for a wife and thought that I would be his . He looked so hurt when I told him no , I cannot be . He asked why I could not love him and I hesitated to answer . Finally I told him that it is because my family is depending on me to bring money home to them at the end of each summer of work . He asked again if I could ever love him . And then he told me that he loved me . My heart aches at the thought of leaving him . How could I have allowed myself to fall in love with a man ? Caillum was back today and in fine spirits . I thought that perhaps he had found another woman to be his wife but that is not it . He said he has discovered a way for us to be together and he will tell me at the next dance . Caillum came tonight and brought with him a ring , a ring that he would have me wear as a symbol that I will be his wife . He said that I should go back to my family and tell them that they are to receive a flock of sheep that will provide a steady income for them . He and his brother have a sheep farm and he has convinced his brother to offer them half the flock in order that I might come here and not leave my family to starve . Oh , how can I ever explain this ? What would my family do with sheep ? They would drown in the waves in an instant . Caillum would not let me say no . He said I must talk to my family and he will go with me to ask for my hand in marriage . I cannot imagine how I will let the poor man know my true story . My heart is filled with sadness . Summer is nearing an end and I see no way to happiness . My eyes were stinging with tears . She couldn 't have left , could she ? That would be too sad . And if she had left there wouldn 't be a diary here , right ? I cannot believe what has happened . I sit here feeling as stunned as a fish about to be gutted . There was no other way to let Caillum know why I could not be his wife except to show him my true nature . I asked him to come to the sea with me on the night of the new moon . I feared that he might kill me when he saw what I meant to reveal . At least I knew I could swim away if needed . He sat patiently on a rock as I unlaced my boots . He watched in wonderment as I removed the heavy woolen stockings and stretched my toes . There was the webbing for him to see . I slipped out of my dress and into the sea , reveling in the feel of the cool water against my skin . And then from the shore I heard him calling me . Annabelle , please be my wife . I love you all the more . And I swam back to him . And I said yes . My name is Annabelle and I am the woman of this house . How strange that sounds , coming from the likes of me . Well , ' tis true . I have married this fine man , Caillum , and together we live in this little stone cottage . I am close to the sea but often yearn for it . My days of gutting fish are over for now as I learn to work on the land . I am gradually becoming accustomed to this place and to my role here . Caillum has taught me about the seasons and years that humans use and now I will record them each time I write . For the holiday called Christmas Caillum bought me a little packet of paints with brushes and a palette . The bottle of oil has a beautiful smell when it is mixed with the paints . I have made a picture of this place , where the land meets the sea and of the cave from where I swam . Caillum hung it on the wall of the library . The labyrinth within remains my secret . I often look at it and remember watching my sisters swim away as I waited to enter the spiral . Our child is born at last . We have a daughter , Genevieve and she is beautiful . She looks much like her father and shares his clear grey eyes and good nature . We were both relieved to see that her feet appear as any other child 's . Her life will be easier without that burden to bear . Caillum rocks her to sleep and gazes with such love at her . I sing to her and she responds with the most charming sounds . We are blessed in so many ways . While I do miss my people I feel that I can be happy here now , with a child to care for and the love of my husband . I no longer grieve for what I lost when I came to this place . Here I have love and my own family . Sad news today . It seems that Caillum will go to fight in this terrible war that is raging through Europe . I have begged him not to go but he feels that he must . He comes from a long line of men who have fought to defend this land . He assures me that he will return in the spring . I am afraid but must be brave for him and for Genevieve . Words cannot express the pain in my heart . We have had a letter from the Army and my dear Caillum has died in the trenches of this horrible war . I am so lost and terrified . I am afraid for myself but even more for our daughter , Genevieve . What chance does she have in life with a woman like me as her mother ? I cannot work this farm alone and what man would have me ? Other than Caillum who looked beyond my differences and loved me as I am , I feel that there is no chance for me to find another . Margaret , my sister in law , who I trusted with my secret , now looks at me askance as if to say that I deserve this fate . My brother in law is a simple man , kind , but unaware of what I face . I am so lost . I miss my own people . Somehow I will find an answer but now I only want to sleep . I have made a fateful decision . Margaret has agreed to raise Genevieve as her own daughter , finding her " without obvious faults " . When she was born I secretly wished for her to share my characteristics , the feet that send me flying through the water like a seal , the love of the sea . But Genevieve looks like any other baby and seems content to crawl about on land with no yearning for the water . Thus far Margaret has remained without her own child and I know that she will care for her lovingly . Genevieve will be told about me when she reaches her twentieth year . I will write her a letter and leave it for her to read then . She will live her life as a good Scottish girl and needn 't be afraid of what the women of the village will say about her . But if she starts to feel need of the cool water upon her skin she must have the means of return . I will leave her what she requires and she will know what to do when the time comes , when the moon returns to the stones . My heart breaks to leave her but I see no other choice . If I stay I will only be a burden on this family and my daughter will have no chance of a normal life . I must go now while I still have the strength . Let me lock this up for the final time and give Margaret the key . I pray she can be trusted with it and to give it to Genevieve when the time comes . I am keeping the other key for myself as a memory of what I am leaving behind . My throat felt full and tears trickled down my face as I read the last entry in Annabelle 's diary . I wanted to know more about the woman I now knew was my great - great grandmother . Why hadn 't she written any other entries ? Was she too busy working the land and caring for her family ? Maybe she found writing difficult . I looked at the envelope containing the letter . I opened it carefully , breaking the wax that sealed the envelope closed . I am sending you birthday greetings far into the future . It will be 1933 by the time you read this letter . You don 't know me but I am someone who loved you so dearly that I did the hardest thing in the world to do . I left you in the arms of another woman . Margaret , who you have only ever known as your mother , is truly the one who raised you . But it was I who carried you in my womb and carried you in my arms for the first year of your life . Your father died in the Great War and I could not raise you on my own . Your father and I met when I was working near the docks packing herring . It is work that many young women love here on the coast . He asked me to a dance and I loved his laugh . Caillum and Rob shared that same laugh . I do hope that Rob talked about him with love . You might have known Caillum as your uncle , and nothing whatever of me . And now comes the time to tell you why you knew nothing of me until this day . I am fearful that you will not understand and yet you must know . The reason I left and did not stay here in this house and marry another man is that no man other than your dear father would have me . I was not born here . I was born in the sea and my body is different from your own . My feet are webbed and permit me to fly through the water like a fish . Some would call me a mermaid or a selkie . My people have our own name for ourselves and it is impossible to write it in any language known to humankind . But you have been born as human as your father and your aunt and uncle who you know as your own parents . We agreed before I returned to the sea that you would be told on your twentieth birthday the true facts of your birth . I will always love you and my heart breaks as I leave you . It is all for your good . I pray for your happiness and health and that when you have children of your own that you have no cause to ever lose them . In the 8 days since November started I have had my attention turned to the bright , shiny new thing that is NaNoWriMo . For those of you who don 't know , it 's National Novel Writing Month and I 've taken on the challenge of completing 50 , 000 words in 30 days . That 's a little over 1666 words per day if I write every day . So far I 'm on track but it 's definitely taken my attention away from revising Halley ! However , for those of you who have asked , here is Chapter 5 and I 'll try to get the next few chapters revised and online in the upcoming weeks . My goal is to have the entire story uploaded and live on Amazon Kindle by Christmas . Thanks again for following along and I 'd love to hear from you , either here or through my email address or Facebook ! It seemed like the week before we left for the Corryvreckan took forever . I finally finished the wildlife report so I was officially done with school for the year . The weather turned stormy and I was only able to go to the shore twice before we left . Both times I waited to see if the mermaid would appear but there was nothing . I began to wonder if maybe I 'd imagined her but then I remembered her eyes and how she had looked at me . She had to be real and I wouldn 't give up hoping to see her again . Dad had agreed to go to the Corryvreckan on the condition that I do some research on the history of the area we would be driving through and map out the trip . We weren 't taking the most direct route because he wanted to make some side trips to see landmarks and standing stones along the way . It was going to take us over 9 hours between driving and going on ferries . Although Mom and Dad agreed to the trip I couldn 't convince them to let me swim the Corryvreckan . We found out that the youngest person so far to swim it was a fifteen year old boy , but I 'm going to try next year when I turn fourteen . We 're crossing in a boat with a group of other people , wearing life vests . It 's not as wild as I had hoped , but I 'm sure it will still be amazing . " Let 's eat some breakfast first . Your mom has already packed a picnic for us to take for lunch . Did you remember your camera and your binoculars and your bird guide ? " " Yes , Dad , I 've had everything packed since last night . I wish we could leave right now . Can 't we eat breakfast in the car ? " We took the ferry from Stornoway to Ullapool on the mainland . That took a couple of hours and then we had a long drive south to Oban . The drive was beautiful but I was so excited it was hard for me to pay attention to what we saw . I didn 't really want to stop for long at the places along the way that I 'd researched . I had made a map of some of the Pictish stones that were still part of the landscape and we took pictures of each one for Jonathan . Some had symbols that no one knows the meaning of and some of the ones carved more recently had Christian symbols on them , like the cross . My favorite was a stone with a picture carved on it that looked like someone wearing a cape or with wings . Its feet looked webbed to me . We stopped at one of the sea lochs on the way and I was disappointed to see a big white sign blocking the view . The same company that was planning to build the luxury resort back home had built a huge development here right near the shore . I wondered for a moment if maybe I should have stayed home this weekend so that I could help Jonathan search for artifacts . I 'd wanted to come to the Corryvreckan for such a long time though and if we moved away from Scotland I might never get the chance again . When we finally arrived in the small town of Ellenabeich we got a room for the night and had some dinner . We walked around the village admiring the little white houses with slate roofs . I thought I would be too excited to sleep but I must have been tired after the long drive . I slept all night and dreamed that I was swimming side by side with the mermaid . The next morning the sun was shining and there was a strong breeze . I was so anxious to get started that I didn 't eat much for breakfast . There was another ferry ride from Ellenabeich to Easdale . I pushed the button at the pier to call the ferry . The button sounds a loud bell that signals the ferryman to come across from Easdale . Here , instead of white houses , the houses were made of slate and it gave the village a somber feel to be surrounded by all that grey rock . I would have liked to stay longer in Easdale to swim in the empty slate quarries but we had to get to the boat on time or we would miss our excursion . We had already made our reservations online and bought our tickets . The trip was timed to coincide exactly with the changing of the tide so it leaves at a different time each day . We had to wear heavy plastic suits to keep us from getting soaked by the waves and spray . We would be in a RIB which stands for rigid inflatable boat . It was the closest we could get to the water without actually being in it . I listened to the safety instructions being read by our tour guide and I admit I wasn 't really paying attention to him as he droned on about staying seated and how dangerous this crossing could be . I could hardly wait to get on board . We had to straddle the seats like when you ride a horse and I smiled thinking of Amy and how we used to sit on logs and pretend to ride horses . Dad sat next to me with Mom on his other side . There were grab bars in front of each one of us , kind of like on a ride at the fair but nothing to strap us in . When we first started the crossing it was really smooth . It wasn 't until we got closer to the center of the channel that we could see the ocean roiling around us . We could hear the water crashing and strange noises ; booming and sucking sounds . I shivered when I thought about swimming it . It was much more frightening than I had imagined . The island of Jura was on one side of us and Scarba was on the other . It felt like being in the bottom of a canyon with the dark cliffs looming over us . There are two deep troughs and a large peak of rock about 100 feet below the surface that causes the whirlpool to form . Sometimes the water looked smooth as glass and then it would start to swirl and suck down into small whirlpools and then large waves would come out of nowhere . It was getting louder and louder as we approached the center and I wanted to get a good picture of the waves and a small whirlpool that had formed off to the side . As I stood up I felt something hit the bottom of the boat hard . My camera was knocked from my hand and splashed into the water . Before I could think I reached to grab it and lost my balance . I was overboard ! I was swimming the Corryvreckan ! My parents jumped up and screamed for the captain to stop . I called out that I was okay and saw the boat slowing to circle back to pick me up and suddenly I felt a strong tugging at my legs . This was stronger than any rip current I had ever felt . I struggled to stay afloat and then I saw a huge wave appear and I was under the water . I surfaced as the boat swung around but I lost sight of it as another wave broke over my head . I was being pulled under by some invisible force . I held my breath and tried not to panic . I kept getting sucked further down and couldn 't see anything except the water . I knew the life preserver would bring me back to the surface if I could get out of the pull of the whirlpool and I started to kick and swim but it was harder and harder to hold my breath . My lungs felt like they were going to explode . For the first time in my life I was terrified that I was going to drown . I could see the surface but I couldn 't get back to it . I had to breathe ! As the water rushed into my lungs I was suddenly calm , and knew that no matter what happened I 'd be okay . It felt like I was being held in someone 's arms and their hair was gently draping over my face . I went limp and the water took me , then everything went black . When I came to I was back on board the boat and someone was pushing on my chest and blowing air into my mouth . I gasped then gagged up the seawater I had swallowed . Mom was kneeling next to me and crying hysterically . She lifted my head and shoulders onto her lap and held me while she wiped my face clean with her hand . I could see my dad over her shoulder , holding the grab bar so tightly his knuckles were white . I had been so afraid that I was drowning , but instead of feeling relieved at being safe I started crying . My life jacket and rain gear had been loosened and Mom was stroking my face and neck . She touched my throat and gently tugged at something that was stuck under the rain gear . It was a gold chain with a small key . She looked at it for a moment then let it fall back onto my chest . I had a flash of memory of something that had been placed around my neck when I was being pushed back to the surface of the water . But wait , I couldn 't have been pushed to the surface , I was being sucked down into the whirlpool . I reached to touch the key and closed my eyes . Maybe I was hallucinating or dreaming , none of this felt real . How could a key have gotten around my neck while I was in the whirlpool ? I knew it wasn 't there before I fell in the water . But now I remembered seeing a tangle of hair swirl in front of my eyes when I was struggling toward the surface . And I felt like there had been hands pushing me to the surface , even as the whirlpool continued to pull my body down . The crew member who had done C . P . R . on me stood up and told the captain to continue toward the shore . He had already motored us away from the crossing to calmer waters and now he revved the engine and started toward the shore . Apparently I had been under for longer than 5 minutes before I was pulled out of the water by one of the crew with a life ring and a boat hook . Paramedics were already waiting on the shore and they wrapped me in warm blankets and put me on a stretcher . I didn 't want to go in an ambulance but the paramedics said anytime someone has a near drowning accident they have to be taken to the hospital . In the ambulance the paramedics helped me out of my clothes and covered me with blankets . My mom rode with me and my dad came behind us with the car . When we got to the hospital in Oban Mom and Dad filled out paperwork and the nurses dressed me in a hospital gown . One of them tried to remove the chain and the key but I held onto it . I hadn 't stopped shaking and shivering since I 'd gotten out of the water and now I was exhausted . The last thing I remember doing was touching the key that was still around my neck . When I woke up the next morning I didn 't know where I was at first . Then it all came back to me . I saw my parents asleep in the chairs near my bed . There were a couple of other beds in the room but only one other patient . My throat felt sore from swallowing the sea water and my chest hurt but other than that I felt okay . I touched my hand to my throat and felt the key . So it hadn 't been a dream after all . Just then a nurse came into the room to take my temperature and blood pressure . " You gave everyone quite a scare , miss . Imagine , a young girl like you surviving the Corryvreckan . That captain ought to lose his license . " " Oh no , ma ' am please don 't say that . It was my fault for falling overboard . It was an amazing experience and I can 't wait to do it again . " " If I have anything to say about it you 're never going into the sea again , Halley . That 's an experience no mother should ever have to go through . Nearly seeing you drown was the most horrible thing … " and here she choked up and started sobbing . My dad had his arm around her shoulders as he reached down to take my hand . " She 's right , Halley . You 're our only child and I don 't know what we 'd do without you . " I squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn 't start crying too . I just wanted to get back home . The nurse handed us a box of tissue and turned to leave . After I was examined by the doctor he asked to speak to my parents outside my room . I strained to hear what he was saying but only heard fragments of the conversation . " … surprisingly , there was no water in her lungs … unusual physical features … consider genetic testing . " When Mom came back into the room she was pale and her mouth was set in a hard line . I asked what the doctor had said but she just told me to get dressed because we were leaving . I heard her muttering something about backwards , superstitious so - called professionals . Dad had driven back to our hotel room late yesterday and picked up our suitcases so we could start for home immediately . I slowly dressed myself in a fresh change of clothing and slid the key into my jeans pocket . " Halley , you were wearing a key around your neck yesterday . Where did it come from ? " I panicked for a second and then stammered the first thing that came to my mind . The drive home seemed to take forever . I dozed for most of it and we didn 't stop at any of the places we had planned on going to . Mom and Dad seemed determined to get back as quickly as possible . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

By : H . R . Robinson Introduction : When I first undertook to write this first story , I had been reading from the book of First Peter , where he tells us we are " kept by His power through faith unto salvation … . " So , I named my story , " Kept By His Power . " After reading in the book of Romans , I changed the title to " Grace and Justification . " Then , as I began to grow in Christ and in knowledge of the Word of God , I changed the title again to , My Story - For His Glory , " with the parenthesis , ( " I have learned , " which of course , comes from the book of Philippians ) . Even though I wanted to change it again after getting deeper into the word resulting in a deeper clarification of the Scriptures and then applying them to my life and , after listening to a sermon by David Jeremiah entitled " All My Aha 's ; " still I decided to keep the title as it is because they all connect . Thus , my poem " If I Had Never Met Jesus , " is the summation of it all . H . R . Robinson I wrote this poem while sitting in my car under the carport of my home one night after Bible study . This was in July 1985 . It was the first poem I ever wrote . The poem confirms my state and the fact that , " If I Had Never Met Jesus , " I would never have known many of the things " I have learned . " IF I HAD NEVER MET JESUS For in His love , I now abide … . I . GRACE AND GUARDIAN ANGELS : Several years ago , I wrote a poem I called , " Learning . " The first lines went like this : " Life 's experiences are purposed to teach - to give lessons for our future . From life 's experiences , we gain know - how - to discern between Godly and worldly pleasures . " In the Book of Philippians ( 4 : 12 ) , the Apostle Paul writes , " I have learned that in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content . I know both how to be abased , and I know how to abound : everywhere , and in all things , I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry , both to abound and to suffer need . " Of these profound words , I must confess it is the first three , which impact my soul and mind ; it is the first three that bring it home to me - those words , " I have learned . " Paul couldn 't be content in any state until he learned how . I have learned that I can 't either . … . In this vein I find myself thinking back - remembering all the things I , personally , have gone through up to this point in my life . Moreover , in this same vein , I have asked myself , not only what I 've learned , but just how much have I learned ? One most important thing I have learned is that God 's angels have always watched over me . With this thought in mind , I 'm reminded of a story told to me many years ago - confirmation that other life stories often have a positive effect . This story ministered to me personally coming forth as , " God 's Angels At Work . " ……………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rita Brooks was the third of five children born to Walter and May Brooks in a small city in Northeast Alabama . The family lived in a dilapidated old , what used to be called " shot - gun , " house with Rita 's great grandmother , her daughter , and her three children . The house had three bedrooms ; two rooms on one side with the kitchen ; then a hallway and another room on the other side of the hallway . When asked how they all were able to fit in such a small dwelling , the reply was , " I don 't know how we did it ; I just I know we did ! " Actually , they lived out of only two rooms because the room on the other side of the hallway was declared " off limits . " Rita had an uncle , who was in the Army , and her great grandmother was holding it for his return . " There was no inside bathroom facility ; only an outhouse standing about eight feet from the house . The children were very happy and high - spirited . Though there was never much in the way of material things , Rita , when talking about her childhood , never neglects to mention , and I quote her very words , " I never knew I was poor until somebody told me . " It was in the summer of 1942 , when Rita was almost five , that she got her first introduction to death . Her great grand mother , Mary , suddenly , became ill , and died . It happened like this … . Monday was the weekly washday for the whole community . In every yard , women could be seen building fires around large black wash pots . They would fill the pot and two or three tin tubs with water . One tub was for washing - the other two for rinsing . One of the women would begin by rubbing , white pieces first , up and down on what was called a " rub board . " The washer would then throw the washed white pieces into a pot of now boiling , soap and bleach filled , water . The same was done with non - white clothes , only these pieces would go into one or two tin tubs for rinsing . One person continuously jabbed a stick up and down into the hot , boiling , pot . Once it was determined the clothes had boiled long enough ; they , too , were then thrown into the rinsing tubs . Finally , the clothes were hung , with clothes pins , on lines to dry . In their small community washing was an all - day thing . And , in the normal course of the day , washing and cooking went together . While the women washed clothes outside ; inside the house , beans , turnip greens , or some other vegetables and / or meats cooked on an iron wood / coal burning stove . One particular Monday , about halfway through the day , Rita 's great grandmother complained of a headache and went into the house to lie down . Very late that night , all the family was awakened to screaming and crying that came with the announcement that great grandmother Mary had died . Grandma Mary , as the children called her , had sons , daughters , and relatives , who lived in other states , so her funeral had to be delayed . In those days , custom was to bring the body home the day before the funeral , where family , friends and neighbors would gather for , what they called , " the wake . " Listening to the grownups talk , Rita overheard one of them say , " She stopped breathing about 2 : 00 . " The word " breathing ; " caught Rita 's attention ; so , making sure no one was in the room with the casket , she tiptoed into the room , got upon a chair , and stared hard down at her grandmother 's face . " I was trying to find Grandma Mary 's breathing . " She later , told her brother Louis . Rita continued , " I looked everywhere at her and I just couldn 't find it anywhere . " The lady then put her arms around me , all the while , saying over and over , " ' It 's going to be all right honey ; It 's going to be all right . ' " The lady then walked me out of the room ; so I didn 't get another chance to look for Grandma Mary 's breathing . I heard her say , " After that , though there were many babies born in the community - there were also many deaths . It was in November of 1944 that death claimed Rita 's mother , Mary Brooks . Rita was seven , her brother Louis , eight ; baby sister , Elizabeth , six ; and the oldest , Nell , eleven . They had another brother , Charles , who died , at the age of two , before Rita was born . Mary Brooks had been bed - ridden for a very long time . It was right after she and Rita 's father , Walter , took a trip to Buffalo , New York that Mary became ill . Mary sang in the choir at church . One Sunday , as the choir began their second song , she fainted . After that , she was sick and bedridden for a long time before she died . People in the community surmised that the weather in Buffalo had been too cold for her and that she did not have proper clothes to wear in such cold weather . So , they assumed , she had taken a cold which developed into tuberculosis . At the funeral , while crying and weeping was going on all around them , Rita and her brother Louis sat counting the floral wreaths surrounding their mother 's casket . Rita could remember that there were twenty . In talking about her mother 's death and he funeral , Rita pointedly stated , " Some things we never forget . " The funeral was a long one , and much tribute was paid to Mary Brooks . Rita and Lewis kept sneaking looks at their daddy to see if he was crying . If he was , they didn 't see it . Everyone assumed that the children 's father , being a young widower of thirty - six , would naturally want the children to live with their grandmother , who was also anxious to have them . But , this was not so with Walter Brooks , and he was adamant ! They would live with him at his brother Clem 's . So immediately after the burial and feeding of the family at the church , Walter told them to gather their things ; which of course did not take long , because there was not much to gather . In addition to being ill with tuberculosis ; it was whispered also that Mary Brooks was infected with other terrible diseases , which , as the whisperers determined , could only have come from Walter Brooks . The children heard the whispers , but , of course , they had no understanding of what was being said . Rita thought about the conversation between her parents , which she had heard just two days before Mary Brooks died . Her dad had said , " I am going to sleep with you ! You 're my wife ! " To which MaIn fact , it seemed all the family made sure Rita knew that when a baby , her parents had given me to her father 's sister , Jean . They told her , " You were so small that everyone thought you wouldn 't live very long . Your Aunt Jean had no children ; so , she asked for you and your mother and daddy agreed . She fattened you up on goat 's milk , and immediately your mother and dad wanted you back . Your Aunt Jean had no choice but to return you to your parents . " " You know , she 's sickly anyway , poor thing ! Well , after her mother 's death , everybody that lived in the house had to be checked to see if any might have contacted TB . Everyone 's test returned negative but Rita 's . She had two positives . Naturally , it was assumed that she had contacted the dreaded disease ; and , of course , they began to speak doom and gloom . However , the third test returned negative ! Rita did not have TB ! Still , the family determined she would not live very long . Many times , in thinking on this , Rita concluded , something was wrong here ! These were church - going people , who called themselves Christians ! Did they miss something along the way ? Was not God 's grace and mercy explained to them ; or , had they not read about it in the Holy Bible ? Evidently they either did not know or did not understand the true meaning of grace and mercy . If they had , they would not have spoken so negatively . Rita had really answered her own question - they were " church - going " people . Think about it ! All the children slept in the same bedroom with their disease infected mother , not to mention her personal contact with others in the house - yet , none contacted tuberculosis ! Through His grace , God allowed His angles to hold back the dreaded illness from the rest of the household . Telling her story brings to my mind Scriptures from the Biblical Book of Revelations …… . . " After these things I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth , holding the four winds of the earth , that the wind should not blow on the earth , on the sea , or on any tree . Then I saw another angel ascending from the east , having the seal of the living God . And he cried with a loud voice to the four angels to whom it was granted to harm the earth and the sea , saying , ' Do not harm the earth , the sea or the trees …… . ' ( Revelations 7 : 1 - 2 ) . And , in my mind 's eye , from all that Rita had told me , I could also see other examples of God at work : The roof in the old house , where they lived , always leaked . Buckets would be lined up all around the walls to catch the rain as it ran down through the ceiling . In the winter the house was always cold , but God took care of took care of them - they survived ! The long walk to their Uncle Clem 's house was done in silence . The children were all very quiet . They wanted to live with their , " Big Mama . " Walter Brooks had adamantly said " No , " and they were not allowed to ask any questions . No why 's here ! Walter 's brother , Clem and his wife Landa were waiting for them . He opened the door and led them into the living room of the small , wood - framed , house where , in the center of the room , a pot - bellied wood - burning heater dominated most of the space . After a while , he showed them to the room they all would share . The five of them would not only share the same room , but they would , also , all sleep in the same bed . Walter , Nell , and Beth slept at the head with Louis and Rita at the foot . The next day , while their dad was at work , Uncle Clem said to the children , " Come with me , I want to introduce you to my two friends , who also live here . " They followed him into his bedroom . Uncle Clem pushed the door closed to show two ropes hanging on a nail . He said to them , They heard what he said , but they didn 't really grasp what he was saying , and as long as their daddy was there with them , they never thought about it ; but this would all change . Within a few weeks , after they had moved and settled in with Uncle Clem , their father said to them , " As soon as I get a good job and a place to stay , I 'll send for you . " However , before he could leave , something terrible , or maybe it was not so terrible , happened . Beth , the youngest , contacted polio and Walter Brooks had to delay his trip . Within a very short time she died . Beth was seven years old . The year was 1945 . The word that best describes these years the Brooks children lived with their uncle is , " horrible ! " He was a sadist ! The words " corporal - punishment " can 't compare with the methods he used when chastising them . Almost anything they did could turn out to be a reason for a whipping . In the case of Rita and Nell , because , they were girls , he would only make them strip down to their slips , but Louis , the boy , had to get completely naked . Then , with arms folded across their chests , they had to kneel before him , as he sat in a chair with , legs crossed , and a lit cigarette between his lips . Bringing the belt sharply down , upon their backs , he constantly reminded them , " If I have to get up , I 'll kill you . " Often he would tell them how his own father had dealt with him when he misbehaved . He told them how his father used to whip him , without any clothes on , and how he had once tied him to a tree and left him there for hours . So , we get the picture that the children 's uncle Clem was giving to them what had been given to him . If anyone of them were to hit the other , thereby causing a fight , he 'd make them both strip in the same manner , only instead of him doing the whipping , he would give each fighter a leather belt and make them whip each other ; and , always he sat in his favorite chair , watching with his legs crossed , and a lit cigarette in his mouth . The day came when the three of them got their first real introduction to the hanging rope . After his first introduction , he constantly reminded them about the rope , but up to this point , had never used it . Today they had done something that terribly displeased him . They didn 't wipe their feet off before coming into the house and had tracked mud in . His words , " Whipping doesn 't seem to do any good ; I guess it 's time for ole Charlie . " With that , he took the rope down from behind the door and pushed them on out the front door . He then looped the rope around each of their necks , and marched them off towards the woods , often called the swamp , which stood directly across the street from the house . All the while the children cried and begged repeatedly , " Uncle Clem , please don 't hang us . We 'll be good . " The cries and pleas were wasted . He paid them no attention . Because of the way the rope was looped around the children 's necks , they had to walk one behind the other as their uncle led them , like cattle , into the woods ; but , just as he would go further into the woods , a man appeared . ( I write this , visualizing as it was told to me . ) " Hey Clem , " the man said , " Where are you taking the children ? " Oh , I 'm trying to teach them a lesson , so I 'm taking them into the woods to punish them . I figure if I leave them hanging in the woods all night , they 'll learn how to behave . " " It 's that bad huh ? " The man asked . To which Clem replied , " So bad I just don 't know what else to do with them . Whipping doesn 't seem to help . " Scared , and shaking all over , the three children dared not make a sound . Rita said the man looked at them with , seemingly , no expression . Then he said , " Well Clem , I think you got their attention - why not give them another chance ? They 'll do better . I know they will . Give them another chance . " The man repeated . All the time the man was talking , Clem just stood there shaking his head and , for what seemed like forever , he said nothing . Then , taking the ropes off from around their necks , he said , " Well , if you think they 've learned something , I 'll give them another chance . " Walking away , the man looked at Clem and said , " See you . " Turning around , in the direction of the house , Clem said , " Ole Gordon saved you today . See that you behave yourselves ; or the next time nobody will be able to save you . " Every Sunday was church day for the whole house . Clem Brooks saw himself as a faithful Christian man . In fact , if the truth were told , he saw himself as more of a Christian than most men . He always prayed long prayers ; even his grace at meals was long and drawn out . I guess he wanted to make sure God heard and understood what he was saying . Most of the people at the church labeled him as being " very religious " . This is something that can 't be disputed - he was certainly religious in his meanness and in his cruelty to his brother 's children ! Before each meal Clem would say a long prayer . Rita quoted the words her uncle would say . " I thank you heavenly Father for this meal that is prepared before us . And , Oh Lord , there 's nothing in the world greater than your blessing this food , and I pray thy blessings upon it . Bless even the hands that prepared it ; bless even the hands that went out through the busy toils of the ships and sins of life in order to try to obtain and get it . Now holy righteous Father , I pray in your name , these and other blessings upon it . Amen ! " One Sunday , after church , a storm came . Clem had all the children to sit on the couch with him and his wife , Landa . He stretched out his arms to include them all and said , " If we go , we 're all going together . " The children were scared to death ! Rita understood that he was talking about dying . She said to Louis , " I 'm not ready to die ; I want to grow up ! I want to be like Nell ! " Louis just looked at her , squeezed her hand and smiled . The storm finally passed without affecting them . Clem remarked , " God spared us this time . " Rita had her own mental picture of God . In one breath their uncle would tell them that God could do anything ! He could blow the house down ! In another , he would say that a tiger was the strongest animal in the world . Rita just couldn 't seem to separate the powerful God from the strong tiger - so , in her child 's mind , she assumed a tiger was either stronger than God , or God was a tiger . The children had never been taught that God was their Father , as He was of all mankind , even though Clem made sure that they knew the prayer Jesus taught His disciples , which of course , begins with the words , " Our Father … . " Another year passed . Clem continued to dose out his cruel and harsh punishment . At every opportunity , the children would tell their grandmother about him - that is , whenever he let them see her . She , in turn , wrote several letters to their dad , but he never bothered to answer any of them . Finally , the day came when Louis got everyone 's attention . He said to Rita , " I 'm tired of Uncle Clem being so mean . " Here is what happened : Rita and Louis , and their two friends from next door were having a typical child discussion about where babies come from . Louis said , " I know where babies come from . They come from the doctor 's little black bag . He brings them with him . " Rita hurriedly replied , " No such thing ! They come from the woman 's stomach . " Jimmy , from next door said , " No , the stork brings them . " Rita then interrupted again to explain what she had said about the baby coming from the woman 's stomach . " Aunt Norma 's stomach got big and stayed big for a long time , and after she had her baby , her stomach wasn 't big anymore . " She no sooner got the word " more " out of her mouth than their Aunt Landa said from the doorway , " What are you children talking about ? You wait until your uncle gets home ; we 'll see what he has to say about these things . " " You two , go home . " Playtime was now replaced with fear . Their Uncle barely got inside the door before the aunt began to tell him about the conversation . He immediately called , " Louis , Rita , get in here ! " The two of them slowly walked from the porch into the living room . Their uncle asked , " I know you won 't , " he said . " Bring that rope in here , boy , " He said , to Louis . Eyes filled with tears , Louis climbed upon a chair and got the rope . Nell wasn 't in it this time - only Rita and Louis . Without another word , their uncle took the rope , tied it around the two children 's necks and headed for the woods . But , a few steps into the woods and guess what ? There was Mr . Gordon , God 's angel , who seemed to be just waiting to plead their case again ; and , as with other times , a few words , and the would - be hangman turned around and led his niece and nephew back to the house . How did this man , Gordon , always know when Clem was going to take the children off into the woods , and why did he always listen to the man and turn around ? He had to . He had no choice . He was God 's angel ! God got in the way ! God had sent His special angel ! Mr . Gordon was God 's messenger - the children 's guardian angel ! The non - forgiving Clem couldn 't help himself - he had to turn around ! Usually , after an encounter with Mr . Gordon , Clem would leave the children alone ; but that night he gave them their standard beating - on their knees , etc . That night , also , from somewhere , Louis got courage . It is very possible , that God , through His Action Agent , the Holy Spirit , gave Louis boldness - for after the beating , all teary - eyed , he said to Rita , " I 'm gonna run away . " People were always giving the children comic books , and they loved to read about the runaway who would get himself a long stick , fill a cloth with his belongings , tie the cloth up , then tie the cloth to the stick , and put the stick on his shoulder . For Easter , the grandmother , whom they lovingly called , ' Big Mama , ' had bought Louis a white shirt with a blue tie and blue short pants . Louis loved them . He didn 't have a stick or a cloth to tie the clothes in , but he stole into the room where the three pieces were hanging , pulled them down and tied them together , hung them over his shoulder , and before Rita could say , " Louis ! Wait ! " He was out the dTo his surprise , this time , their grandmother was unyielding , " I know why you 're here , Clem , but you 're not getting him - and , tomorrow I 'm going to the police . By this time tomorrow night , Nell and Rita will be here too ! " With that , she closed the door in his face . Clem didn 't wait for the next morning . As soon as he got back home , he said to Rita and Nell , " Gather your things - you 're going to live with your grandmother . " Goodbye Uncle Clem ! Rita didn 't have much to say about her uncle 's wife Landa ; only that when it came to anything , she had no voice , but at every opportunity , she would tell him things about the three children - things to get them in trouble . Other than that , Rita said , she had to remain silent , and , she went on , mostly , she always had a sad look on her face . She also pointed out that her aunt was a very large woman , who wasn 't very good looking . The bad part , though , was that her Uncle Clem was always yelling at her and calling her ugly ! So , normally , Rita said , the aunt was very quiet . Lorna Smith , the children 's grandmother , had another daughter , Anne , who was several years younger than their mother , Mary Brooks . Anne had never been married and lived at home with her mother . She was twenty - four years old , and angry . It would be her responsibility to see after the children . Aunt Anne knew nothing about day - to - day care of children . One could only hope and pray that she would do her best as far as she knew , and ask for help with the things she didn 't know . As many have said , " She did the best she could ; " however in writing this story , these words just won 't seem to come . While Lorna worked every day as a housemaid , it was up to their Aunt Anne to see after her nieces and nephew . This entailed cooking all the meals and making sure clothes were clean and ready for school and church . Yes , living with their grandmother included going to church ! But , they found this church to be different from the one they went to with their Uncle . They loved going , and on top of that - it was the same church where their mother used to take tThe church was directly across the street from where they lived . There were two women , who took all the children of the church under their wing and made them their ministry . Rita never forgot them - even today she often speaks of them . One thing she , especially , would always say , " I will forever be grateful to the women at that church for having taught me ; and especially for having cleared up my confusion about God - that God was not a tiger - that He made me and the tiger too ! ! " Life at their grandmother 's was good . Another year passed . Their mother had now been dead two years . Rita was nine years old and in the fourth grade ; Louis ten and in the fifth ; Nell thirteen and in the eighth . Lorna Smith didn 't make a lot of money , which might lead many to wonder how she was able to maintain a household on $ 2 - $ 5 a day . Only God has the answer to this - because only God could make it possible . The Word tells us , " But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus , " ( Philippians 4 : 19 ) . Here we get a good example . Let us not interpret this to mean He 'll give us all the riches , as some see it . God enabled this poor family to always have plenty to eat , a roof over their heads , clean clothes , etc . - in other words , the basics of life . It could be a fact that how we handle the basics determine how much more we 'll have . Walter Brooks hardly helped at all . Occasionally he would send some money , but not very often and not very much . Of course there was no television or any of the other " toys " parents today make sure they give their children . If given the opportunity , children can be creative . The girls would take rope used to wrap around ice or packages , push it down the mouth of a bottle ( any bottle ) with sticks to tighten it and keep it in place ; then , they would comb the rope - like combing doll 's hair . They would search for old strings around anything and use them as ribbons . Sometimes they would spend the whole day working on their dolls - trying to find ways to dress them up and make them look pretty . When it rained , the children in the neighborhood played under high porches . The girls would spend their time making mud cakes , while the boys would make fortresses or caves , and whatever else came to mind . No one in the neighborhood had much in the way of material things , but they had imagination ; with imagination comes creativity , and with creativity comes fun ! Thus , these children really enjoyed themselves . One summer Lorna Smith 's sister , caWhenever anyone asked Clem about them , his reply would be , " I did the best I could , but those children were some bad ones . " It seemed as if sickness and death were always to be a part of the family . The children 's ' Big Mama ' took sick and stayed bed - ridden for over a year . To make the load easier , Lorna 's sister , Bea , came again from Ohio again and took Louis back with her . Daddy let him stay this time . In the meantime , Lorna 's condition worsened ; so did Anne 's . Nell had developed a crush on one of the boys in the church . Everybody 's opinion was that he was a " fine young man . " He was a good singer and very active in the church . In fact , the majority of the older church members predicted , " That boy 's going to be a preacher . " Their prediction couldn 't have been further from the truth . The young man 's name was Ronny . He was eighteen , Nell was almost fifteen . She and Ronny would go for long walks . They would sit in church together and were with each other at every opportunity . Anne gave permission for him to " court " her , which meant he could come and visit her at home . At first no one paid any attention to the " special " attention Anne gave Ronny - after all , he was such a " fine " boy . Nell noticed , though , and was uncomfortable about it . She made the statement , " I think Aunt Anne wants Ronny for herself . " Nell was right . Gradually , Anne was able to turn Ronny 's attention to herself - she , being twenty - seven , to his eighteen years . Their relationship became the talk of the town , but Anne arrogantly showed them she didn 't care what they said about her . Rita liked Ronny . He always teased her and called her his little friend , but suddenly he started acting different . He began to drink whiskey with their aunt , staying out late at night , even sometimes all night . At other times , when they came in , their arguing could be heard all over the house , until finally , Ronny would leave . Nell was hurt , but she soon got over it and started seeing another boy . Gradually everyone came to accept Ronny as Anne 's boyfriend . Some nights he would stay over . Often Rita would wake up to find him in the bed with her and Nell . He slept next to Rita , and though he was drunk , he never touched her . In writing this last sentence the words , " guardian angel , " pop into my mind . I close my eyes and memories of the evil uncle surfaces . I can actually see him taking those precious children off into the woods to hang them - then the man called Gordon would show up . Was Mr . Gordon really their " guardian angel ? " Oh , thank you heavenly Father for being there for them … One night , when Ronny got in the bed , Rita was wide - awake . She could feel him tossing and turning - so much so that she was unable to " Ronny wants to sleep next to you . " Very loudly , and angrily , Nell said , " No ! " Rita didn 't understand - wasn 't he their friend ? This went on for several nights , and Nell 's answer was always the same . As usual , after Nell 's adamant " No ! " Ronny would roll over and go to sleep . The angels were at work again ! It was on a Friday night , May 11 , 1948 , that the Brooks children 's loving , wonderful " Big Mama , " passed from this life , as we know it , unto death . Rita was ten years old . The children knew that their grandmother loved them , and they were overwhelmed at the mere thought that they 'd never see her again . They heard their aunt scream . " Sis ! " ( That 's what she called her mother ) " Don 't go ! Don 't leave me " She cried . Rita pulled the covers over her head and tried , to no avail , to make force to sleep . Many of the neighbors were already there . That 's the way it was in those days . People would come and sit with the very ill - some all night . One of the women came into the room where the children slept . Gently shaking them , she said , " Not my grandmother ! " The woman tried to comfort them as best as she could . Finally , she left the room closing the door behind her , and eventually they soon fell asleep . Rita recalled an incident that happened before her grandmother became totally bed - ridden . She loved being with her , and very often the two of them would be alone . Well , this day they were sitting on the porch . It was in the fall of the year , but not very cold . The sun was shining brightly , and from as far as Rita could see , all the other porches were deserted . Suddenly , from nowhere came the sound of a man 's voice crying , " Josie ! Josie ! " Lorna Smith said to her granddaughter , " That 's ole Henry coming up the street - must be drunk . " It was on a Friday - Mr . Henry always got drunk on Fridays , and he always came from up or down the street , calling out his wife 's name , as if to announce his arrival . Something , though , was different this time . Mr . Henry kept falling down . However , always he would somehow manage to get up . The last time he fell , he wasn 't able to get up . Lorna remarked , " Henry must be really full of it today . " His wife , Josie , came out on her porch and saw him lying face down on the ground . Hurriedly she ran to him . Miss Josie screamed , " Henry , Henry , wake up ! Henry did not move . Then Miss Josie really began to scream and cry . Her Big Mama said , " Run over there gal , and see what 's wrong . " Blood gushed from his back turning into what looked like crumbs as fast as it came out . Someone had stabbed Mr . Henry in the back . Rita saw the coagulated blood on his back as it encrusted the deep wound . By this time , a crowd had gathered and encircled Miss Josie and her bleeding husband . Someone said , " Don 't touch him , I 've called the ambulance . " The ambulance came and took Mr . Henry and Miss Josie to the hospital . Needless to say , Mr . Henry didn 't survive the stabbing . Suddenly , there were people from everywhere , and while they stood discussing the ghastly scene , a man ran up to the crowd and told them what had happened . Rita looked at her grandmother and saw the tears rolling down her cheeks , and , shaking her head as she walked back into the house to lie down , Rita heard her pray , " God , please take care of my grandchildren . " Many years later Louis told Rita that the night before their mother died , he 'd heard her praying , " Lord please - take care of my children . " The Lord heard their prayers . Nell passed away in 1987 ; Rita and Louis are both still alive and full of energy . Lorna Smith 's funeral was very sad . Her daughter , Anne , was the saddest . It seemed to everyone that she was going to either pull her mother out of the casket , or get in there with her . Later , when Rita told her father about the funeral , he said , " They should have put her in the casket and buried her too ! " Rita didn 't understand why he would say such a thing - but she dared not ask . Lorna 's sister Bea and Louis came for the funeral along with relatives from many other states . A few days , after the funeral , all the out - of - towners left , including Aunt Bea and Louis . Louis had taught Rita some songs he 'd learned ; one of which , she especially loved . Some mornings while everyone else was still sleeping , Rita would go out in the warm sunshine , walk around the yard and sing it . In the area , where they lived , morning glories grew in abundance , and wherever she saw buds ready to pop open , she 'd walk among them , popping them , letting their fragrance cover her , as she sang over and over , " There 's a garden where Jesus is waiting ; there 's a place that is wondrously fair ; and I go in the light of His presence , to the beautiful garden of prayer . Oh , the beautiful garden , the garden of prayer ; oh , the beautiful garden of prayer where my Savior awaits , and He opens the gates - to the beautiful garden of prayer … " Other times Rita would just sit and look out the window and stare at the sky . They told her that her mother and Big Mama were in heaven and heaven was in the sky . Perhaps she was looking for them . In first grade Rita had learned a poem that stuck with her . Sometimes she would say it aloud as she just stood looking up at the sky . " Good morning sky ; good morning sun ; good morning little winds that run . How did you know that it was day ? Who told you night had gone away ? I am wide awake ; I am up now too ; I 'll be right out to play with you . " " Someday , " Rita told herself , " things will be better . " She was very sad that the one person , left in the world , who loved her was now gone . " After the death of her Big Mama , Rita felt she would never know love again - not as it was supposed to be - not parental love or family love . Today she says , " I have learned … . " Rita and Nell lived with their Aunt Anne from May to September first of that same year . Again , Anne knew absolutely nothing about raising children . However , other relatives would help as much as they could ; but , they couldn 't stop her from drinking . It became a daily practice with her and Ronny . Oh yes , he was still in the picture , and he 'd become so involved with Anne , he 'd stopped pestering Nell . Both Nell and Rita were glad of that ! One might be ready to believe that , in her heart , Anne wanted to do the right thing by the two girls . There is one thing people wanted to give her credit for ; that is , that she tried very hard to keep them healthy . Someone told her to give them vitamins . She had no money for vitamins ; so , someone suggested she use cod - liver oil as a substitute everyday - that it would serve the same purpose . Anne misunderstood and thought they said castor oil . Therefore , everyday Rita and Nell had to swallow a tablespoon each of castor oil . One doesn 't have to wonder at the outcome of that ! The girls had many embarrassing moments . " Someone finally got to Anne and the daily doses of castor oil , and the embarrassing moments suddenly stopped . Life , as we know , is a process . It 's all about learning . Throughout the Bible , we see similarities ; sometimes called similitudes . Take " guardian angels , " for instance - we relate them to biblical characters only in speaking about " seeing an angel . " For instance , the angel Gabriel who came to Mary , the mother of Jesus ; we certainly would not think that he had any association with us . Rita 's Uncle Clem had taught that angels had no association with them , but I have Does not the Bible plainly state in the Book of Hebrews regarding angels , and I quote , " Are they not all ministering spirits sent forth to minister to those who will inherit salvation . " ( Hebrews 1 : 14 ) . Of course , the Brooks Children might say , individually : " Me ! A guardian angel watching over me ! Never ! They wouldn 't , for even a moment , dare to think that ! Their uncle Clem had taught them that angels were for those holy people in the Bible . He used to say to them , " Don 't ever compare yourself with the people in the Bible ; they are God 's holy people . " Again , it 's all about learning . From the Book of Matthew ( 18 : 10 ) we read , " Take heed that you don 't despise one of these little ones , for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father Who is in heaven . " ( Jesus is speakingAs I write this story , something else in my learning process comes to mind . Everyone knows tuberculosis is contagious . All the family slept in the same room with the mother - none contacted the dreadful illness . The youngest sister , Beth died from polio - none of the others caught it . And , how did Mr . Gordon always happen to be at the right place at the right time ? Did he know what the uncle was planning to do ? Was this a made - up thing ? There was no telephone . Whenever the children did things that their uncle thought bad enough to take them off into the woods to hang them , Mr . Gordon was nowhere around , but he always managed to show up " just in time . " ( One could get chills thinking about it ! ) How about the day the children sat discussing , " where babies come from , " and only their aunt was there ; their Uncle came home from work and she promptly told him about it . He didn 't leave the house again to possibly run into Mr . Gordon and say , " I need your help ; I think I 'm going to have to hang them bad children again . " Only God - I am convinced - because I have learned that the believer 's greatest asset is " prayer . " Through prayer the believer can " Come boldly to the throne , " as written in the Book of Hebrews . I have learned that , if we pray believing , God hears and will answer our prayers . Before death , the mother prayed . Rita heard her grandmother pray . Both had the same petition , " Lord , take care of my … . " God heard . God answered . How can we not believe in guardian angels ? How can we not believe in prayer - for , to believe in God is to believe in prayer ? What about Ronny ? Rita slept in the bed right next to him - flesh touching flesh . Does a drunken man know a woman from a child when he 's touching flesh ? Rita was but ten years old . What happened ? Nothing ! God again ! Not only did He answer the prayers of her mother and grandmother , but also He allowed grace and mercy to sleep between Ronny and Rita . What about the beatings ? Those children could have been scarred for life ! Perhaps , in ways , they were ; but , not so that they lived their lives wanting revenge for the wrongs done to them ; not so they became full of hate ; not so that they wound up in a mental institution ; not so that they went for the rest of my life singing , " Nobody knows the troubles I 've seen … " Yes , Paul wrote , " I have learned … . " and so will all who will accept that the greatest , the most important thing they could ever learn is , " My God can , and His grace is bigger than anything we can ever imagine ! This , I have Learned ! 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By : H . R . Robinson Introduction : When I first undertook to write this first story , I had been reading from the book of First Peter , where he tells us we are " kept by His power through faith unto salvation … . " So , I named my story , " Kept By His Power . " After reading in the book of Romans , I changed the title to " Grace and Justification . " Then , as I began to grow in Christ and in knowledge of the Word of God , I changed the title again to , My Story - For His Glory , " with the parenthesis , ( " I have learned , " which of course , comes from the book of Philippians ) . Even though I wanted to change it again after getting deeper into the word resulting in a deeper clarification of the Scriptures and then applying them to my life and , after listening to a sermon by David Jeremiah entitled " All My Aha 's ; " still I decided to keep the title as it is because they all connect . Thus , my poem " If I Had Never Met Jesus , " is the summation of it all . H . R . Robinson I wrote this poem while sitting in my car under the carport of my home one night after Bible study . This was in July 1985 . It was the first poem I ever wrote . The poem confirms my state and the fact that , " If I Had Never Met Jesus , " I would never have known many of the things " I have learned . " IF I HAD NEVER MET JESUS For in His love , I now abide … . I . GRACE AND GUARDIAN ANGELS : Several years ago , I wrote a poem I called , " Learning . " The first lines went like this : " Life 's experiences are purposed to teach - to give lessons for our future . From life 's experiences , we gain know - how - to discern between Godly and worldly pleasures . " In the Book of Philippians ( 4 : 12 ) , the Apostle Paul writes , " I have learned that in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content . I know both how to be abased , and I know how to abound : everywhere , and in all things , I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry , both to abound and to suffer need . " Of these profound words , I must confess it is the first three , which impact my soul and mind ; it is the first three that bring it home to me - those words , " I have learned . " Paul couldn 't be content in any state until he learned how . I have learned that I can 't either . … . In this vein I find myself thinking back - remembering all the things I , personally , have gone through up to this point in my life . Moreover , in this same vein , I have asked myself , not only what I 've learned , but just how much have I learned ? One most important thing I have learned is that God 's angels have always watched over me . With this thought in mind , I 'm reminded of a story told to me many years ago - confirmation that other life stories often have a positive effect . This story ministered to me personally coming forth as , " God 's Angels At Work . " ……………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rita Brooks was the third of five children born to Walter and May Brooks in a small city in Northeast Alabama . The family lived in a dilapidated old , what used to be called " shot - gun , " house with Rita 's great grandmother , her daughter , and her three children . The house had three bedrooms ; two rooms on one side with the kitchen ; then a hallway and another room on the other side of the hallway . When asked how they all were able to fit in such a small dwelling , the reply was , " I don 't know how we did it ; I just I know we did ! " Actually , they lived out of only two rooms because the room on the other side of the hallway was declared " off limits . " Rita had an uncle , who was in the Army , and her great grandmother was holding it for his return . " There was no inside bathroom facility ; only an outhouse standing about eight feet from the house . The children were very happy and high - spirited . Though there was never much in the way of material things , Rita , when talking about her childhood , never neglects to mention , and I quote her very words , " I never knew I was poor until somebody told me . " It was in the summer of 1942 , when Rita was almost five , that she got her first introduction to death . Her great grand mother , Mary , suddenly , became ill , and died . It happened like this … . Monday was the weekly washday for the whole community . In every yard , women could be seen building fires around large black wash pots . They would fill the pot and two or three tin tubs with water . One tub was for washing - the other two for rinsing . One of the women would begin by rubbing , white pieces first , up and down on what was called a " rub board . " The washer would then throw the washed white pieces into a pot of now boiling , soap and bleach filled , water . The same was done with non - white clothes , only these pieces would go into one or two tin tubs for rinsing . One person continuously jabbed a stick up and down into the hot , boiling , pot . Once it was determined the clothes had boiled long enough ; they , too , were then thrown into the rinsing tubs . Finally , the clothes were hung , with clothes pins , on lines to dry . In their small community washing was an all - day thing . And , in the normal course of the day , washing and cooking went together . While the women washed clothes outside ; inside the house , beans , turnip greens , or some other vegetables and / or meats cooked on an iron wood / coal burning stove . One particular Monday , about halfway through the day , Rita 's great grandmother complained of a headache and went into the house to lie down . Very late that night , all the family was awakened to screaming and crying that came with the announcement that great grandmother Mary had died . Grandma Mary , as the children called her , had sons , daughters , and relatives , who lived in other states , so her funeral had to be delayed . In those days , custom was to bring the body home the day before the funeral , where family , friends and neighbors would gather for , what they called , " the wake . " Listening to the grownups talk , Rita overheard one of them say , " She stopped breathing about 2 : 00 . " The word " breathing ; " caught Rita 's attention ; so , making sure no one was in the room with the casket , she tiptoed into the room , got upon a chair , and stared hard down at her grandmother 's face . " I was trying to find Grandma Mary 's breathing . " She later , told her brother Louis . Rita continued , " I looked everywhere at her and I just couldn 't find it anywhere . " The lady then put her arms around me , all the while , saying over and over , " ' It 's going to be all right honey ; It 's going to be all right . ' " The lady then walked me out of the room ; so I didn 't get another chance to look for Grandma Mary 's breathing . I heard her say , " After that , though there were many babies born in the community - there were also many deaths . It was in November of 1944 that death claimed Rita 's mother , Mary Brooks . Rita was seven , her brother Louis , eight ; baby sister , Elizabeth , six ; and the oldest , Nell , eleven . They had another brother , Charles , who died , at the age of two , before Rita was born . Mary Brooks had been bed - ridden for a very long time . It was right after she and Rita 's father , Walter , took a trip to Buffalo , New York that Mary became ill . Mary sang in the choir at church . One Sunday , as the choir began their second song , she fainted . After that , she was sick and bedridden for a long time before she died . People in the community surmised that the weather in Buffalo had been too cold for her and that she did not have proper clothes to wear in such cold weather . So , they assumed , she had taken a cold which developed into tuberculosis . At the funeral , while crying and weeping was going on all around them , Rita and her brother Louis sat counting the floral wreaths surrounding their mother 's casket . Rita could remember that there were twenty . In talking about her mother 's death and he funeral , Rita pointedly stated , " Some things we never forget . " The funeral was a long one , and much tribute was paid to Mary Brooks . Rita and Lewis kept sneaking looks at their daddy to see if he was crying . If he was , they didn 't see it . Everyone assumed that the children 's father , being a young widower of thirty - six , would naturally want the children to live with their grandmother , who was also anxious to have them . But , this was not so with Walter Brooks , and he was adamant ! They would live with him at his brother Clem 's . So immediately after the burial and feeding of the family at the church , Walter told them to gather their things ; which of course did not take long , because there was not much to gather . In addition to being ill with tuberculosis ; it was whispered also that Mary Brooks was infected with other terrible diseases , which , as the whisperers determined , could only have come from Walter Brooks . The children heard the whispers , but , of course , they had no understanding of what was being said . Rita thought about the conversation between her parents , which she had heard just two days before Mary Brooks died . Her dad had said , " I am going to sleep with you ! You 're my wife ! " To which MaIn fact , it seemed all the family made sure Rita knew that when a baby , her parents had given me to her father 's sister , Jean . They told her , " You were so small that everyone thought you wouldn 't live very long . Your Aunt Jean had no children ; so , she asked for you and your mother and daddy agreed . She fattened you up on goat 's milk , and immediately your mother and dad wanted you back . Your Aunt Jean had no choice but to return you to your parents . " " You know , she 's sickly anyway , poor thing ! Well , after her mother 's death , everybody that lived in the house had to be checked to see if any might have contacted TB . Everyone 's test returned negative but Rita 's . She had two positives . Naturally , it was assumed that she had contacted the dreaded disease ; and , of course , they began to speak doom and gloom . However , the third test returned negative ! Rita did not have TB ! Still , the family determined she would not live very long . Many times , in thinking on this , Rita concluded , something was wrong here ! These were church - going people , who called themselves Christians ! Did they miss something along the way ? Was not God 's grace and mercy explained to them ; or , had they not read about it in the Holy Bible ? Evidently they either did not know or did not understand the true meaning of grace and mercy . If they had , they would not have spoken so negatively . Rita had really answered her own question - they were " church - going " people . Think about it ! All the children slept in the same bedroom with their disease infected mother , not to mention her personal contact with others in the house - yet , none contacted tuberculosis ! Through His grace , God allowed His angles to hold back the dreaded illness from the rest of the household . Telling her story brings to my mind Scriptures from the Biblical Book of Revelations …… . . " After these things I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth , holding the four winds of the earth , that the wind should not blow on the earth , on the sea , or on any tree . Then I saw another angel ascending from the east , having the seal of the living God . And he cried with a loud voice to the four angels to whom it was granted to harm the earth and the sea , saying , ' Do not harm the earth , the sea or the trees …… . ' ( Revelations 7 : 1 - 2 ) . And , in my mind 's eye , from all that Rita had told me , I could also see other examples of God at work : The roof in the old house , where they lived , always leaked . Buckets would be lined up all around the walls to catch the rain as it ran down through the ceiling . In the winter the house was always cold , but God took care of took care of them - they survived ! The long walk to their Uncle Clem 's house was done in silence . The children were all very quiet . They wanted to live with their , " Big Mama . " Walter Brooks had adamantly said " No , " and they were not allowed to ask any questions . No why 's here ! Walter 's brother , Clem and his wife Landa were waiting for them . He opened the door and led them into the living room of the small , wood - framed , house where , in the center of the room , a pot - bellied wood - burning heater dominated most of the space . After a while , he showed them to the room they all would share . The five of them would not only share the same room , but they would , also , all sleep in the same bed . Walter , Nell , and Beth slept at the head with Louis and Rita at the foot . The next day , while their dad was at work , Uncle Clem said to the children , " Come with me , I want to introduce you to my two friends , who also live here . " They followed him into his bedroom . Uncle Clem pushed the door closed to show two ropes hanging on a nail . He said to them , They heard what he said , but they didn 't really grasp what he was saying , and as long as their daddy was there with them , they never thought about it ; but this would all change . Within a few weeks , after they had moved and settled in with Uncle Clem , their father said to them , " As soon as I get a good job and a place to stay , I 'll send for you . " However , before he could leave , something terrible , or maybe it was not so terrible , happened . Beth , the youngest , contacted polio and Walter Brooks had to delay his trip . Within a very short time she died . Beth was seven years old . The year was 1945 . The word that best describes these years the Brooks children lived with their uncle is , " horrible ! " He was a sadist ! The words " corporal - punishment " can 't compare with the methods he used when chastising them . Almost anything they did could turn out to be a reason for a whipping . In the case of Rita and Nell , because , they were girls , he would only make them strip down to their slips , but Louis , the boy , had to get completely naked . Then , with arms folded across their chests , they had to kneel before him , as he sat in a chair with , legs crossed , and a lit cigarette between his lips . Bringing the belt sharply down , upon their backs , he constantly reminded them , " If I have to get up , I 'll kill you . " Often he would tell them how his own father had dealt with him when he misbehaved . He told them how his father used to whip him , without any clothes on , and how he had once tied him to a tree and left him there for hours . So , we get the picture that the children 's uncle Clem was giving to them what had been given to him . If anyone of them were to hit the other , thereby causing a fight , he 'd make them both strip in the same manner , only instead of him doing the whipping , he would give each fighter a leather belt and make them whip each other ; and , always he sat in his favorite chair , watching with his legs crossed , and a lit cigarette in his mouth . The day came when the three of them got their first real introduction to the hanging rope . After his first introduction , he constantly reminded them about the rope , but up to this point , had never used it . Today they had done something that terribly displeased him . They didn 't wipe their feet off before coming into the house and had tracked mud in . His words , " Whipping doesn 't seem to do any good ; I guess it 's time for ole Charlie . " With that , he took the rope down from behind the door and pushed them on out the front door . He then looped the rope around each of their necks , and marched them off towards the woods , often called the swamp , which stood directly across the street from the house . All the while the children cried and begged repeatedly , " Uncle Clem , please don 't hang us . We 'll be good . " The cries and pleas were wasted . He paid them no attention . Because of the way the rope was looped around the children 's necks , they had to walk one behind the other as their uncle led them , like cattle , into the woods ; but , just as he would go further into the woods , a man appeared . ( I write this , visualizing as it was told to me . ) " Hey Clem , " the man said , " Where are you taking the children ? " Oh , I 'm trying to teach them a lesson , so I 'm taking them into the woods to punish them . I figure if I leave them hanging in the woods all night , they 'll learn how to behave . " " It 's that bad huh ? " The man asked . To which Clem replied , " So bad I just don 't know what else to do with them . Whipping doesn 't seem to help . " Scared , and shaking all over , the three children dared not make a sound . Rita said the man looked at them with , seemingly , no expression . Then he said , " Well Clem , I think you got their attention - why not give them another chance ? They 'll do better . I know they will . Give them another chance . " The man repeated . All the time the man was talking , Clem just stood there shaking his head and , for what seemed like forever , he said nothing . Then , taking the ropes off from around their necks , he said , " Well , if you think they 've learned something , I 'll give them another chance . " Walking away , the man looked at Clem and said , " See you . " Turning around , in the direction of the house , Clem said , " Ole Gordon saved you today . See that you behave yourselves ; or the next time nobody will be able to save you . " Every Sunday was church day for the whole house . Clem Brooks saw himself as a faithful Christian man . In fact , if the truth were told , he saw himself as more of a Christian than most men . He always prayed long prayers ; even his grace at meals was long and drawn out . I guess he wanted to make sure God heard and understood what he was saying . Most of the people at the church labeled him as being " very religious " . This is something that can 't be disputed - he was certainly religious in his meanness and in his cruelty to his brother 's children ! Before each meal Clem would say a long prayer . Rita quoted the words her uncle would say . " I thank you heavenly Father for this meal that is prepared before us . And , Oh Lord , there 's nothing in the world greater than your blessing this food , and I pray thy blessings upon it . Bless even the hands that prepared it ; bless even the hands that went out through the busy toils of the ships and sins of life in order to try to obtain and get it . Now holy righteous Father , I pray in your name , these and other blessings upon it . Amen ! " One Sunday , after church , a storm came . Clem had all the children to sit on the couch with him and his wife , Landa . He stretched out his arms to include them all and said , " If we go , we 're all going together . " The children were scared to death ! Rita understood that he was talking about dying . She said to Louis , " I 'm not ready to die ; I want to grow up ! I want to be like Nell ! " Louis just looked at her , squeezed her hand and smiled . The storm finally passed without affecting them . Clem remarked , " God spared us this time . " Rita had her own mental picture of God . In one breath their uncle would tell them that God could do anything ! He could blow the house down ! In another , he would say that a tiger was the strongest animal in the world . Rita just couldn 't seem to separate the powerful God from the strong tiger - so , in her child 's mind , she assumed a tiger was either stronger than God , or God was a tiger . The children had never been taught that God was their Father , as He was of all mankind , even though Clem made sure that they knew the prayer Jesus taught His disciples , which of course , begins with the words , " Our Father … . " Another year passed . Clem continued to dose out his cruel and harsh punishment . At every opportunity , the children would tell their grandmother about him - that is , whenever he let them see her . She , in turn , wrote several letters to their dad , but he never bothered to answer any of them . Finally , the day came when Louis got everyone 's attention . He said to Rita , " I 'm tired of Uncle Clem being so mean . " Here is what happened : Rita and Louis , and their two friends from next door were having a typical child discussion about where babies come from . Louis said , " I know where babies come from . They come from the doctor 's little black bag . He brings them with him . " Rita hurriedly replied , " No such thing ! They come from the woman 's stomach . " Jimmy , from next door said , " No , the stork brings them . " Rita then interrupted again to explain what she had said about the baby coming from the woman 's stomach . " Aunt Norma 's stomach got big and stayed big for a long time , and after she had her baby , her stomach wasn 't big anymore . " She no sooner got the word " more " out of her mouth than their Aunt Landa said from the doorway , " What are you children talking about ? You wait until your uncle gets home ; we 'll see what he has to say about these things . " " You two , go home . " Playtime was now replaced with fear . Their Uncle barely got inside the door before the aunt began to tell him about the conversation . He immediately called , " Louis , Rita , get in here ! " The two of them slowly walked from the porch into the living room . Their uncle asked , " I know you won 't , " he said . " Bring that rope in here , boy , " He said , to Louis . Eyes filled with tears , Louis climbed upon a chair and got the rope . Nell wasn 't in it this time - only Rita and Louis . Without another word , their uncle took the rope , tied it around the two children 's necks and headed for the woods . But , a few steps into the woods and guess what ? There was Mr . Gordon , God 's angel , who seemed to be just waiting to plead their case again ; and , as with other times , a few words , and the would - be hangman turned around and led his niece and nephew back to the house . How did this man , Gordon , always know when Clem was going to take the children off into the woods , and why did he always listen to the man and turn around ? He had to . He had no choice . He was God 's angel ! God got in the way ! God had sent His special angel ! Mr . Gordon was God 's messenger - the children 's guardian angel ! The non - forgiving Clem couldn 't help himself - he had to turn around ! Usually , after an encounter with Mr . Gordon , Clem would leave the children alone ; but that night he gave them their standard beating - on their knees , etc . That night , also , from somewhere , Louis got courage . It is very possible , that God , through His Action Agent , the Holy Spirit , gave Louis boldness - for after the beating , all teary - eyed , he said to Rita , " I 'm gonna run away . " People were always giving the children comic books , and they loved to read about the runaway who would get himself a long stick , fill a cloth with his belongings , tie the cloth up , then tie the cloth to the stick , and put the stick on his shoulder . For Easter , the grandmother , whom they lovingly called , ' Big Mama , ' had bought Louis a white shirt with a blue tie and blue short pants . Louis loved them . He didn 't have a stick or a cloth to tie the clothes in , but he stole into the room where the three pieces were hanging , pulled them down and tied them together , hung them over his shoulder , and before Rita could say , " Louis ! Wait ! " He was out the dTo his surprise , this time , their grandmother was unyielding , " I know why you 're here , Clem , but you 're not getting him - and , tomorrow I 'm going to the police . By this time tomorrow night , Nell and Rita will be here too ! " With that , she closed the door in his face . Clem didn 't wait for the next morning . As soon as he got back home , he said to Rita and Nell , " Gather your things - you 're going to live with your grandmother . " Goodbye Uncle Clem ! Rita didn 't have much to say about her uncle 's wife Landa ; only that when it came to anything , she had no voice , but at every opportunity , she would tell him things about the three children - things to get them in trouble . Other than that , Rita said , she had to remain silent , and , she went on , mostly , she always had a sad look on her face . She also pointed out that her aunt was a very large woman , who wasn 't very good looking . The bad part , though , was that her Uncle Clem was always yelling at her and calling her ugly ! So , normally , Rita said , the aunt was very quiet . Lorna Smith , the children 's grandmother , had another daughter , Anne , who was several years younger than their mother , Mary Brooks . Anne had never been married and lived at home with her mother . She was twenty - four years old , and angry . It would be her responsibility to see after the children . Aunt Anne knew nothing about day - to - day care of children . One could only hope and pray that she would do her best as far as she knew , and ask for help with the things she didn 't know . As many have said , " She did the best she could ; " however in writing this story , these words just won 't seem to come . While Lorna worked every day as a housemaid , it was up to their Aunt Anne to see after her nieces and nephew . This entailed cooking all the meals and making sure clothes were clean and ready for school and church . Yes , living with their grandmother included going to church ! But , they found this church to be different from the one they went to with their Uncle . They loved going , and on top of that - it was the same church where their mother used to take tThe church was directly across the street from where they lived . There were two women , who took all the children of the church under their wing and made them their ministry . Rita never forgot them - even today she often speaks of them . One thing she , especially , would always say , " I will forever be grateful to the women at that church for having taught me ; and especially for having cleared up my confusion about God - that God was not a tiger - that He made me and the tiger too ! ! " Life at their grandmother 's was good . Another year passed . Their mother had now been dead two years . Rita was nine years old and in the fourth grade ; Louis ten and in the fifth ; Nell thirteen and in the eighth . Lorna Smith didn 't make a lot of money , which might lead many to wonder how she was able to maintain a household on $ 2 - $ 5 a day . Only God has the answer to this - because only God could make it possible . The Word tells us , " But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus , " ( Philippians 4 : 19 ) . Here we get a good example . Let us not interpret this to mean He 'll give us all the riches , as some see it . God enabled this poor family to always have plenty to eat , a roof over their heads , clean clothes , etc . - in other words , the basics of life . It could be a fact that how we handle the basics determine how much more we 'll have . Walter Brooks hardly helped at all . Occasionally he would send some money , but not very often and not very much . Of course there was no television or any of the other " toys " parents today make sure they give their children . If given the opportunity , children can be creative . The girls would take rope used to wrap around ice or packages , push it down the mouth of a bottle ( any bottle ) with sticks to tighten it and keep it in place ; then , they would comb the rope - like combing doll 's hair . They would search for old strings around anything and use them as ribbons . Sometimes they would spend the whole day working on their dolls - trying to find ways to dress them up and make them look pretty . When it rained , the children in the neighborhood played under high porches . The girls would spend their time making mud cakes , while the boys would make fortresses or caves , and whatever else came to mind . No one in the neighborhood had much in the way of material things , but they had imagination ; with imagination comes creativity , and with creativity comes fun ! Thus , these children really enjoyed themselves . One summer Lorna Smith 's sister , caWhenever anyone asked Clem about them , his reply would be , " I did the best I could , but those children were some bad ones . " It seemed as if sickness and death were always to be a part of the family . The children 's ' Big Mama ' took sick and stayed bed - ridden for over a year . To make the load easier , Lorna 's sister , Bea , came again from Ohio again and took Louis back with her . Daddy let him stay this time . In the meantime , Lorna 's condition worsened ; so did Anne 's . Nell had developed a crush on one of the boys in the church . Everybody 's opinion was that he was a " fine young man . " He was a good singer and very active in the church . In fact , the majority of the older church members predicted , " That boy 's going to be a preacher . " Their prediction couldn 't have been further from the truth . The young man 's name was Ronny . He was eighteen , Nell was almost fifteen . She and Ronny would go for long walks . They would sit in church together and were with each other at every opportunity . Anne gave permission for him to " court " her , which meant he could come and visit her at home . At first no one paid any attention to the " special " attention Anne gave Ronny - after all , he was such a " fine " boy . Nell noticed , though , and was uncomfortable about it . She made the statement , " I think Aunt Anne wants Ronny for herself . " Nell was right . Gradually , Anne was able to turn Ronny 's attention to herself - she , being twenty - seven , to his eighteen years . Their relationship became the talk of the town , but Anne arrogantly showed them she didn 't care what they said about her . Rita liked Ronny . He always teased her and called her his little friend , but suddenly he started acting different . He began to drink whiskey with their aunt , staying out late at night , even sometimes all night . At other times , when they came in , their arguing could be heard all over the house , until finally , Ronny would leave . Nell was hurt , but she soon got over it and started seeing another boy . Gradually everyone came to accept Ronny as Anne 's boyfriend . Some nights he would stay over . Often Rita would wake up to find him in the bed with her and Nell . He slept next to Rita , and though he was drunk , he never touched her . In writing this last sentence the words , " guardian angel , " pop into my mind . I close my eyes and memories of the evil uncle surfaces . I can actually see him taking those precious children off into the woods to hang them - then the man called Gordon would show up . Was Mr . Gordon really their " guardian angel ? " Oh , thank you heavenly Father for being there for them … One night , when Ronny got in the bed , Rita was wide - awake . She could feel him tossing and turning - so much so that she was unable to " Ronny wants to sleep next to you . " Very loudly , and angrily , Nell said , " No ! " Rita didn 't understand - wasn 't he their friend ? This went on for several nights , and Nell 's answer was always the same . As usual , after Nell 's adamant " No ! " Ronny would roll over and go to sleep . The angels were at work again ! It was on a Friday night , May 11 , 1948 , that the Brooks children 's loving , wonderful " Big Mama , " passed from this life , as we know it , unto death . Rita was ten years old . The children knew that their grandmother loved them , and they were overwhelmed at the mere thought that they 'd never see her again . They heard their aunt scream . " Sis ! " ( That 's what she called her mother ) " Don 't go ! Don 't leave me " She cried . Rita pulled the covers over her head and tried , to no avail , to make force to sleep . Many of the neighbors were already there . That 's the way it was in those days . People would come and sit with the very ill - some all night . One of the women came into the room where the children slept . Gently shaking them , she said , " Not my grandmother ! " The woman tried to comfort them as best as she could . Finally , she left the room closing the door behind her , and eventually they soon fell asleep . Rita recalled an incident that happened before her grandmother became totally bed - ridden . She loved being with her , and very often the two of them would be alone . Well , this day they were sitting on the porch . It was in the fall of the year , but not very cold . The sun was shining brightly , and from as far as Rita could see , all the other porches were deserted . Suddenly , from nowhere came the sound of a man 's voice crying , " Josie ! Josie ! " Lorna Smith said to her granddaughter , " That 's ole Henry coming up the street - must be drunk . " It was on a Friday - Mr . Henry always got drunk on Fridays , and he always came from up or down the street , calling out his wife 's name , as if to announce his arrival . Something , though , was different this time . Mr . Henry kept falling down . However , always he would somehow manage to get up . The last time he fell , he wasn 't able to get up . Lorna remarked , " Henry must be really full of it today . " His wife , Josie , came out on her porch and saw him lying face down on the ground . Hurriedly she ran to him . Miss Josie screamed , " Henry , Henry , wake up ! Henry did not move . Then Miss Josie really began to scream and cry . Her Big Mama said , " Run over there gal , and see what 's wrong . " Blood gushed from his back turning into what looked like crumbs as fast as it came out . Someone had stabbed Mr . Henry in the back . Rita saw the coagulated blood on his back as it encrusted the deep wound . By this time , a crowd had gathered and encircled Miss Josie and her bleeding husband . Someone said , " Don 't touch him , I 've called the ambulance . " The ambulance came and took Mr . Henry and Miss Josie to the hospital . Needless to say , Mr . Henry didn 't survive the stabbing . Suddenly , there were people from everywhere , and while they stood discussing the ghastly scene , a man ran up to the crowd and told them what had happened . Rita looked at her grandmother and saw the tears rolling down her cheeks , and , shaking her head as she walked back into the house to lie down , Rita heard her pray , " God , please take care of my grandchildren . " Many years later Louis told Rita that the night before their mother died , he 'd heard her praying , " Lord please - take care of my children . " The Lord heard their prayers . Nell passed away in 1987 ; Rita and Louis are both still alive and full of energy . Lorna Smith 's funeral was very sad . Her daughter , Anne , was the saddest . It seemed to everyone that she was going to either pull her mother out of the casket , or get in there with her . Later , when Rita told her father about the funeral , he said , " They should have put her in the casket and buried her too ! " Rita didn 't understand why he would say such a thing - but she dared not ask . Lorna 's sister Bea and Louis came for the funeral along with relatives from many other states . A few days , after the funeral , all the out - of - towners left , including Aunt Bea and Louis . Louis had taught Rita some songs he 'd learned ; one of which , she especially loved . Some mornings while everyone else was still sleeping , Rita would go out in the warm sunshine , walk around the yard and sing it . In the area , where they lived , morning glories grew in abundance , and wherever she saw buds ready to pop open , she 'd walk among them , popping them , letting their fragrance cover her , as she sang over and over , " There 's a garden where Jesus is waiting ; there 's a place that is wondrously fair ; and I go in the light of His presence , to the beautiful garden of prayer . Oh , the beautiful garden , the garden of prayer ; oh , the beautiful garden of prayer where my Savior awaits , and He opens the gates - to the beautiful garden of prayer … " Other times Rita would just sit and look out the window and stare at the sky . They told her that her mother and Big Mama were in heaven and heaven was in the sky . Perhaps she was looking for them . In first grade Rita had learned a poem that stuck with her . Sometimes she would say it aloud as she just stood looking up at the sky . " Good morning sky ; good morning sun ; good morning little winds that run . How did you know that it was day ? Who told you night had gone away ? I am wide awake ; I am up now too ; I 'll be right out to play with you . " " Someday , " Rita told herself , " things will be better . " She was very sad that the one person , left in the world , who loved her was now gone . " After the death of her Big Mama , Rita felt she would never know love again - not as it was supposed to be - not parental love or family love . Today she says , " I have learned … . " Rita and Nell lived with their Aunt Anne from May to September first of that same year . Again , Anne knew absolutely nothing about raising children . However , other relatives would help as much as they could ; but , they couldn 't stop her from drinking . It became a daily practice with her and Ronny . Oh yes , he was still in the picture , and he 'd become so involved with Anne , he 'd stopped pestering Nell . Both Nell and Rita were glad of that ! One might be ready to believe that , in her heart , Anne wanted to do the right thing by the two girls . There is one thing people wanted to give her credit for ; that is , that she tried very hard to keep them healthy . Someone told her to give them vitamins . She had no money for vitamins ; so , someone suggested she use cod - liver oil as a substitute everyday - that it would serve the same purpose . Anne misunderstood and thought they said castor oil . Therefore , everyday Rita and Nell had to swallow a tablespoon each of castor oil . One doesn 't have to wonder at the outcome of that ! The girls had many embarrassing moments . " Someone finally got to Anne and the daily doses of castor oil , and the embarrassing moments suddenly stopped . Life , as we know , is a process . It 's all about learning . Throughout the Bible , we see similarities ; sometimes called similitudes . Take " guardian angels , " for instance - we relate them to biblical characters only in speaking about " seeing an angel . " For instance , the angel Gabriel who came to Mary , the mother of Jesus ; we certainly would not think that he had any association with us . Rita 's Uncle Clem had taught that angels had no association with them , but I have Does not the Bible plainly state in the Book of Hebrews regarding angels , and I quote , " Are they not all ministering spirits sent forth to minister to those who will inherit salvation . " ( Hebrews 1 : 14 ) . Of course , the Brooks Children might say , individually : " Me ! A guardian angel watching over me ! Never ! They wouldn 't , for even a moment , dare to think that ! Their uncle Clem had taught them that angels were for those holy people in the Bible . He used to say to them , " Don 't ever compare yourself with the people in the Bible ; they are God 's holy people . " Again , it 's all about learning . From the Book of Matthew ( 18 : 10 ) we read , " Take heed that you don 't despise one of these little ones , for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father Who is in heaven . " ( Jesus is speakingAs I write this story , something else in my learning process comes to mind . Everyone knows tuberculosis is contagious . All the family slept in the same room with the mother - none contacted the dreadful illness . The youngest sister , Beth died from polio - none of the others caught it . And , how did Mr . Gordon always happen to be at the right place at the right time ? Did he know what the uncle was planning to do ? Was this a made - up thing ? There was no telephone . Whenever the children did things that their uncle thought bad enough to take them off into the woods to hang them , Mr . Gordon was nowhere around , but he always managed to show up " just in time . " ( One could get chills thinking about it ! ) How about the day the children sat discussing , " where babies come from , " and only their aunt was there ; their Uncle came home from work and she promptly told him about it . He didn 't leave the house again to possibly run into Mr . Gordon and say , " I need your help ; I think I 'm going to have to hang them bad children again . " Only God - I am convinced - because I have learned that the believer 's greatest asset is " prayer . " Through prayer the believer can " Come boldly to the throne , " as written in the Book of Hebrews . I have learned that , if we pray believing , God hears and will answer our prayers . Before death , the mother prayed . Rita heard her grandmother pray . Both had the same petition , " Lord , take care of my … . " God heard . God answered . How can we not believe in guardian angels ? How can we not believe in prayer - for , to believe in God is to believe in prayer ? What about Ronny ? Rita slept in the bed right next to him - flesh touching flesh . Does a drunken man know a woman from a child when he 's touching flesh ? Rita was but ten years old . What happened ? Nothing ! God again ! Not only did He answer the prayers of her mother and grandmother , but also He allowed grace and mercy to sleep between Ronny and Rita . What about the beatings ? Those children could have been scarred for life ! Perhaps , in ways , they were ; but , not so that they lived their lives wanting revenge for the wrongs done to them ; not so they became full of hate ; not so that they wound up in a mental institution ; not so that they went for the rest of my life singing , " Nobody knows the troubles I 've seen … " Yes , Paul wrote , " I have learned … . " and so will all who will accept that the greatest , the most important thing they could ever learn is , " My God can , and His grace is bigger than anything we can ever imagine ! This , I have Learned ! 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