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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Single Edition on February 14 , 2013 We all know that red roses are the queen of Valentine 's Day , and chocolate is king . If you read my blog , you know just how much I like chocolate . Although I never heard of them before this weekend , I am thrilled to introduce Sugar and Plumm , the Purveyors of Yumm ! Chef Pichet Ong spoke to our intimate group about the delicious creations they are whipping up . Perhaps best known as a judge on Top Chef : Just Desserts , award - winning corporate pastry Chef Ong is the whimsical creator behind the sweet and savory confections of Sugar and Plumm . He combines the fond flavors of his childhood with modern cooking techniques to create culinary offerings that are seasonal , pure , light , and delightfully experimental , yet nostalgic . After introducing us to the brand , he was kind enough to treat us to their For The Love of Chocolate gorgeously packaged box of some of their finest chocolate creations . It is an amazing assortment of hand - crafted artisan chocolates with origins from around the world . This box included two white chocolate blueberry and six pure dark Mexican chocolate ganache . However , the pleasant surprises didn 't end there . Hidden below were chocolates with flavors and aromas consisting of raspberry , vanilla , coconut , hazelnut praline , jasmine tea infused ganache , ginger , milk chocolate and pure dark Peruvian . On top of allowing us to sample some of their finest chocolate creations , we were also give a pair of their brightly colored , delicate French macaroons . It was all I could do to keep myself from digging in immediately . When I untied the ribbon and opened my brightly colored box , I was blown away by the impeccably pristine chocolates before me . They were almost too pretty to eat . Luckily , that would not stop me . What did stop me was the thought of my boyfriend waiting for me at home . There 's something incredibly romantic about fine artisan chocolates that makes it sinful not to share with a loved one . On our anniversary , the day before Valentine 's day , I told my boyfriend I had a surprise for him . I told him to close his eyes and open his mouth . After a bit of trepidation , he complied , and boy was he glad he did . His face lit up from ear to ear as he savored his first bite of the dark chocolate ganache - filled heart . I sampled the white chocolate blueberry - filled heart . I 'd never tasted anything so complex and exquisite . It was heaven . I was reminded of the first time blueberry wine touched my lips , and I had to have more . The combination of blueberry and white chocolate was pure genius . I forced myself to put the box away so I could savor these the little bits of chocolate heaven for a few days ; I simply did not want the experience to end ! There was no way I could possibly ignore the fresh macaroons waiting the ultimate demise . Although there were two , I wanted the best of both worlds . As it 's rather impossible to split a macaroon , I simply bit half for myself and passed the other half to my boyfriend . We made long extended moans as we enjoyed these incredible indulgences , and that was just the vanilla macaroon . I repeated our ritual with the strawberry poppy - seed , and the moans of happiness only grew louder . The flavors transported me back to the beach with my parents snacking on strawberry Twizzlers . I was shocked to learn that Sugar and Plumm serve breakfast , lunch , dinner , weekend brunch , and every craving in between . I was expecting a purveyor of sweets , but they create works of art from homemade ice cream and macaroons , to house - smoked salmon and Berkshire pulled pork , our team of master chefs , bakers , and chocolatiers are purveyors of all things delicious and delightful . The bake shop even makes everything handmade , from scratch . The only problem you 'll find is deciding what to order ( and possibly that top button on your pants ) . Although it 's too late to place an order for Valentine 's Day delivery , if you 're looking for that perfect way to show the special person in your life just how much they mean to you , this is a perfect for Valentine 's Day - Or any of the other 364 days of the year . The have gift boxes for every budget and an in - store experience you won 't soon forget ! This Upper West Side spot with Parisian charm and a downtown vibe is sure to knock the socks off anyone who enters and will certainly not disappoint ! I live for my weekends , so if there was anything I could do to make them better , I did . I utilized my free Friday afternoons to run my errands so Saturday and Sunday would be all mine . I tried to clean and do laundry , run to the grocery store , etc . This Friday , I was very successful getting through my list . I stopped by my allergist for my weekly shot . Since I left work at 1 : 00 , I decided to eat lunch at McDonalds ( never a good decision ) . While sitting there , I noticed two men walking holding hands across the street . I was a bit surprised . I immediately thought , " We do that in Hoboken ? ! " In the six years I 'd lived in Hoboken , only once before had I seen two men holding hands . I was thrilled to see the courage and the progress . When I finished eating , I swung by the salon for a haircut and hit up the gym to lift and swim . After my swim , I called CK from the roof deck of the gym . Although we made tentative plans for Saturday night , we hadn 't discussed plans for that night . It was our anniversary . He automatically assumed I was spending the night in the city since he came to Hoboken the previous night . I was not under the same impression , so I explained I did not want to spend both Friday and Saturday night away from place . I told him to pick one . This of course turned into an argument . He complained about the trek to Hoboken , and I resented this . I 'd made the trip back into the city to be with him many times after a long day at work , and I did it without complaint . He always made it seem like torture when he had to traverse the Hudson River . The argument grew more and more heated until he threatened not to come at all . I wasn 't having any more of this , so I hung up on him . I was tired of this game we were playing . I didn 't want to argue anymore . In addition , my testosterone was already flowing after a solid workout , and my blood was beginning to boil with every complaint . After I got home and a few minutes passed , he called back ( He always was good at playing the role of peacemaker ) . He told me he 'd come to Hoboken , but it wouldn 't be until later . We discussed the argument calmly , and both apologized for getting out of hand . He explained he had assumption I was coming there all day . The idea of him trekking out to Hoboken on a bus wasn 't all that thrilling to him after having those expectations all day . I explained how one of us would always have to make the trek to the other . There was nothing we could do about that , at least for now , so the more fair and balanced we could make it ( and the less complaining ) , the less burdensome it would feel . He agreed . Hours passed , and I heard nothing from him . I felt he was dragging his feet and as every minute passed , I grew more and more annoyed . He told me he had to shower before coming over . He obviously wasn 't still showering . I was sure he was just lounging about , which is fine . But I wanted him to be lounging about with me . This wasn 't just any night after all . We were supposed to be " celebrating " our three - month anniversary . I finally got so annoyed I sent him a text : " Maybe tonight would be better spent apart . I 'm in a really cranky mood now . " It was already past 10 : 00 . At this point he was coming over to sleep and not much else . He called and told me he was already in a cab on the way to the PATH . I encouraged him not to doddle before saying goodbye . I needed to cool off before he arrived , or it was a guaranteed fight the moment he arrived . It seemed all the smallest things so easily got under my skin . I was all wound up . Work was stressing me out . Life was stressing me out … Finally , at 11 : 00 , he arrived , flowers in hand to make up for the botched night . Honestly , I would have preferred he came three hours prior , but the gesture was utterly sweet . And , I forgave / thanked him immediately . I tried to be cool with everything and have a nice time with him since it was a special night . There was no use being miserable . It wasn 't really his fault either . Work made me a miserable son - of - a - b * tch . He asked me how my day was . I further explained my new predicament and fretted over the possibility of being unemployed in the near future . I was very pessimistic about the whole situation . I certainly will hand it to him . He remained positive and tried to assure me everything would be fine . This is why I loved him so much . NO matter how much of a Debbie Downer I can be , he always picks me up and dusts me off . In spite of my pessimism , he was always optimistic . We also learned to collaborate professionally . We were helping each other bolster up our positions in the social media realm of our jobs . He taught me things I didn 't know about , and through my recent vigorous research , I taught him a thing or two as well . When I 'd had enough talk of my job situation , we agreed to order Chinese food for dinner . I was too tired to cook . While we waited for the food to arrive , we smoked to relax . He told me about his day at work and the stellar presentation he delivered to the powers that be . He was proposing a new initiative that was well received by the decision - makers . I was happy for him , but also jealous . Sure , I realize how horrible that is to say , but I 'm nothing if I 'm not honest . The rest of the night was much better than the evening had begun . Eventually , I forgot all about our fight and my emotions were back in check . We ate our food while watching TV in each other 's arms on the couch . I finished eating , but CK was still chowing down as he poured some of the General Tso 's sauce onto on his plate . After a few minutes , he started fretting . Apparently , he 'd eaten something quite hot . After investigating , I realized he ate a whole chili pepper . Tears were streaming down his face as he rinsed his mouth over and over again in the sink . Next he tried a glass of milk and a few pieces of bread . That didn 't seem to be helping . He even took to wiping his tongue with a napkin . Nothing helped . It was all I could do to maintain my composure , but after a while I couldn 't hold back . His face wasn 't the only one wet from tears . I was hysterically laughing so hard I was crying . After a good laugh , interspersed with failing advice , I consulted Google for a better solution . We 'd tried everything in the book . When I told him someone suggested eating another one , he looked like he was going to throw me out the third - story window . I was still getting a chuckle out of all this but certainly at his expense . It was torture for him , but he had no idea the gift he was giving me . He delivered exactly what I needed that night - A good laugh . Eventually the pain subsided , and he forgot all about the incident . As our eyelids grew heavier and heavier , we moved to my bedroom for the night . As tired as we were , our appetites weren 't quite satiated . We were pinning each other down for the count before we counting sheep . As hot as things were for him during dinner , things in the bedroom were even hotter . We tired ourselves out between the sheets before he finally drifted off to slumber wrapped in my arms . That night taught me something very important . No matter how much we fought , this was the man I loved , and there was no changing that . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 15 , 2012 After a tumultuous weekend , it was back to work on Monday . Both CK and I had very busy days , and we didn 't find much time to chat . But , before we went to work that day , we decided to spend the night in Hoboken . I finished work at a reasonable hour , so I decided to hit up the gym for some lifting and a quick swim . When I finished my swim , I called CK to find out what time he was expecting to leave work . I was about to head home and make us dinner for the night . Something seemed different . He hadn 't reached out to me all day , and it was now 8 : 00pm . When I finally got him on the phone , he seemed distant at best . It was then I learned he had other ideas in mind . It almost seemed like he was looking for a night apart . I was wondering if he was beginning to have doubts about us . I couldn 't figure out his motives , but it felt like something was up . When I told him I wanted to see him , he asked if I would be willing to come into the city to spend the night at his place . I wasn 't thrilled with the idea . I had it in my head we would be spending the night in Hoboken all day . I hadn 't packed an overnight bag and had already traversed the Hudson twice . I had the ingredients for dinner sitting on my kitchen counter . He pointed out how much of a pain it was for him to come to Hoboken , and I pointed out how it was just as difficult for me to make my way back into the city for the same reasons . We began arguing about the long - standing issue . Whenever it was my turn to come into the city , I did it without complaint . When it was his turn to travel , he often managed to slip in subtle complaints or excuses for why he couldn 't make it . I didn 't feel like he was meeting me half way , and I let him know it . Although I wasn 't happy , and I didn 't quite agree with the situation , I decided to relent and come to him . I wanted to see him , and that was more important to me than the inconvenience of a short bus trip . This would allow him to continue to work while I made my way in . Otherwise , I wouldn 't have been able to see him that night . I went home , showered and packed the ingredients for dinner to take into the city . Hauling raw chicken into the city didn 't make the most sense , but it was economical and faster than many other options . I was also taking raw pork ribs with me , as I was planning to make myself lunch for the following day . I slung a heavy bag over my shoulder and hopped on the bus headed for Hell 's Kitchen . When I arrived , I received a warm welcome from CK at his door . He flung his arms around me and gave me a giant hug . I was truly happy to see him . We had a rough patch only a few days earlier , but I put all that behind me . I wanted to get back to us - Back to happiness . When one of his two roommates came home , we all began chatting about the third roommate in his absence . There was always a plethora of things to chat about when it came to him . He was like a walking carnival . Every day was a new adventure with that one . He didn 't lead a double life . It was more like a quintuple life . He was one shady mo - fo , and every day was a new shocking story of what new ruse he was trying to pull . When dinner was ready , we sat and ate together in front of the TV . CK was very appreciative that I made dinner so he could continue to finish his work . I was happy to be sharing a meal and a nice night with him . I liked taking care of my man every once in a while , especially when it was so apparently appreciated . When we finished eating , CK finished his work . We had about an hour before bedtime , so CK suggested we play some video games . This isn 't something I 'd done in six years at best . I wasn 't very good at video games because I never played them , so it was always a frustrating situation . I don 't like things I 'm not good at . I warned CK of this before we got started because I didn 't want the night to result in an argument . It didn 't take long before I got frustrated , so I sat there with the controller in my lap while CK continued to play . When he realized I wasn 't playing , he paused the game to question me . I explained how I didn 't know what I was doing , and I think he finally understood . He took me through a short tutorial , and I was back to being happy again . Now that I knew what I was doing , I was even able to beat him at his own game . When 11 : 30 rolled around , I made my way to the bedroom . I asked CK to join me , but he wanted to continue playing . So , I left him to his own devices while I brushed me teeth and got ready to go to bed . When I was ready to climb between the sheets , CK was still in the living room playing video games . I came into the room and was very blunt . " Can you please come to bed ? I didn 't trek into the city so you could play video games all night . If I knew that was what was going to happen , I would have stayed in Hoboken , " I declared . I know it was a bit heavy - handed and melodramatic , but I was very put off by his actions . He got the picture and joined me in bed . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 9 , 2012 CK and I were having a very long holiday weekend , and we were only half way through it . As CK wanted to go to the Scissor Sisters concert on Friday , which ended up happening on Saturday , I wanted to spend the weekend with my friends as well . We made plans before the weekend kicked off , and we were going to try to stick to it . Early Sunday morning , CK and I woke up and quickly got ready for the day . We hopped on my motorcycle and made our way to Hoboken . We were catching a ride with K to her parents ' house on Mohawk Lake . Since it was an hour drive , K wanted to leave early . Of course , we made it back to Hoboken and finished getting ready just in the nick of time to stay on her schedule . K 's roommates , D and G , and D 's girlfriend were also joining us . The five of us were spending the day on the water , tubing , swimming and lounging in the sun . When we arrived at the lake , we visited with K 's mother before prepping the boat . We all piled in , along with all the proper refreshments , and shoved off the dock . I was excited for a nice relaxing day on the lake . The weekend was off to a bit of a chaotic start , and I needed a day to hit the reset button . Everyone else was drinking , but that was the last thing I needed . For me , the sun was all I needed to be happy . I just wanted to lay out on the back of the boat and work on my tan . Before breaking out the tube , we drove to the far side of the lake to drop anchor and hang out in the cove . The water was smooth , and there weren 't many people out on the lake . In usual fashion , wherever CK went , so did his music . We weren 't even out of the dock before he was plugging in his music . I wasn 't opposed to music in general , but he was playing all the songs we 'd heard the night before . I could also tell , Scissor Sisters weren 't exactly my friends ' cup of tea . However , this was not something I was about to engage in . I found my happy place , laid out a towel , and tried to drift off in the warmth of the sun . When I got hot , I decided to hop in . Everyone else had already taken a dip . It was the perfect Sunday . Everyone was relaxing and just enjoying themselves . We all talked about our weekends and caught up with each other . I 've always liked this group of friends . They all felt like my " Seinfeld " crew . On top of that , I had my man with me . That always makes me happy . Once we all managed to digest our food , it was time to break out the tube . K was an experienced whip cracker . Everyone took turns riding the tube with a partner . It was a blast . In her usual fashion , K was relentless when I was on the tube . I think I frustrate her sometimes , and she uses that time to take all those frustrations out on me . However , I usually manage to hold on for longer than expected . That being said , she always finds a way to get me off that giant rubber floating donut . I especially had a lot of fun riding the tube with CK . We made a great team , and my friends snapped quite a few great shots of us both . I was happy to have such a nice day after how bad our Friday night was . We really needed a nice day together . It wasn 't all smooth sailing however . Over the course of the day , I noticed K getting frustrated with CK . She was not only the owner of the boat , but also the captain . He wasn 't listening to instructions very well . When she was ready to hit the throttle , CK was standing on the back of the boat . When she 'd need to maneuver to circle back to pick someone up who fell off the tube , he was standing to change the music . I was worried we wouldn 't be invited back again . Or worse . I would be , but I wouldn 't be able to bring him back again . I asked him to be more conscientious about her directions . " Whatever she said , goes , " I added . D had his new car with him since he drove separately . I had yet to be in it , so I suggested CK and I ride with him , leaving the other two to drive together . On the ride home , we all planned to hit up D , K and G 's apartment for a bar - be - cue . It would be our last hurrah of the holiday weekend before heading back to work . D dropped us off at my place , and we got ready to head over to grill up some burgers . I quickly made a pasta salad as well because I didn 't want to show up empty handed . I wasn 't originally aware , but we were also going to meet K 's new man . He is much younger than the rest of our group , and as a result , he spent the better portion of the evening trying to impress us . That 's a surefire way for me not to be impressed . I like genuine people , not people who put on airs and say what they think I want to hear . Dinner was nice and very relaxing . It was the perfect end of the holiday weekend . My weekend started off very crazed and chaotic , and it ended very relaxing and serene . When it was getting late , CK and I said our goodbyes and made our way back to my apartment . I agreed to spend the night in the city at his apartment , so I quickly packed a bag before we hopped on the bus . When we got to his place , neither of us had much energy . We quickly settled into bed and mentally prepared for the workweek coming up after having quite a few days off . CK tuned into The Rachel Maddow show while I shut my eyes and tried to fall asleep in the arms of the man I loved . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 16 , 2012 On the night of July 3rd , CK and I slept at his apartment . I had a beach bag packed to head to Fire Island the following day . I insisted if we were going to trek all the way out there , we needed to leave early in the morning to get a full day of it . We also decided to make an effort to come back to the city in time to view the fireworks from his rooftop . We made plans with one of my old roommates and his girlfriend . They were going to join us on his roof since he had such spectacular views of the Hudson River . When we woke , the weather didn 't look like it was going to be the most cooperative . We checked the report , and there was a threat of thunderstorms all day long . We both agreed to nix the idea of going to the beach and decided to stay local instead . We lounged around his apartment all morning , watching TV and eating a light breakfast , all the while waiting for the rain . When lunch time rolled around , I was anxious to get out of the apartment . It still hadn 't rained , and it was shaping up to be a pretty beautiful day . While we both agreed we could have gone to the beach , we also agreed not going was nice too . Recently , I broached the subject with him of spending habits . I realized I was spending a lot more money , especially going out to dinner . I proposed a plan to try to cook more and go out less . I didn 't want to keep spending money frivolously , and thought he was probably in the same boat . The topic was well received , and we agreed to make and effort to spend less money . As we walked to lunch , we made a plan to grab something small and cheap . We ran a few of CK 's errands before finding a spot to grab lunch - Uncle Nick 's , a Greek restaurant in HK . This was not part of the plan . Everything was a bit more expensive than a $ 5 sandwich . CK reminded me of our frugal conversation , and pointed out this place was not part of the plan . However , since all the portions were larger , I pointed out that this could serve as our dinner as well . We could take the leftovers home and eat them before the fireworks . It would work out nicely since we ate such a late lunch . This worked out perfectly . We did swing by the grocery store to grab a few snacks for his rooftop to supplement our lunch / dinner . We grabbed chips , humus , cookies and supplies to make sangria . Before digging into making sangria , we decided to check out the scene on the roof . We wanted to know what we were getting ourselves into . CK lived in a large apartment building , and the roof certainly wasn 't going to hold all the residents , especially if they were bringing guests like me . Much to our surprise , it was still fairly sparse , but we knew that wouldn 't last long . We quickly went downstairs to gather our things so we could lay claim to a prime fireworks viewing spot . As we made sangria , I reached out to two friends who were to be joining us , but they weren 't going to be able to make it . Looked like it was just going to be the two of us . That , and his roommate and the harem of friends he gathered for the night . We made it back upstairs in time to lay out a blanket and enjoy a drink as the sun set . I was enjoying some quality time with my man before the crowd showed up . After some time , he had to run back downstairs . Of course , he disappeared for quite some time . I was sitting there alone trying to fend for our spot as more and more people arrived . Slowly but surely , his roommate and his friends started showing up . Of course , they assumed we were holding a spot for them , so I was surrounded by them on the blanket - Still no CK . This was not how I wanted to spend the night . Finally , he came back . By then , the roof was fairly full . Shortly after , the fireworks began . Well , at least I think the fireworks began . CK 's roommate assured us the building had a prime view of the fireworks . He informed us he 'd watched them from the roof the year before . LIES ! All lies ! We couldn 't see the fireworks at all . Immediately , there was both a mass movement forward toward the river to get a better view and a mass exodus out of the building to head to the river . CK and I tried to maneuver the roof to gain a better vantage point . When I turned around , he wasn 't following me . In the chaos , I wasn 't able to find him again . I looked all over , standing on planters to see over the crowd . I tried calling him , but he wasn 't answering . I assumed he went downstairs , and to be honest , I was pissed . I assumed he abandoned me in an attempt to better view the fireworks . The elevators were overrun with people . I descended the twenty - five floors until I reached the ground floor . Because I didn 't have a building access card , I was a bit trapped . My only option was to walk back up to the top floor . I tried calling and calling , but still , CK was not picking up . When I got back to the roof , I managed to find CK . I explained what happened , and he explained how he was unable to find me . I was disappointed because the romantic night I was hoping for had gone to sh * t . This would be yet another fourth of disappointment . We had a fun day together , and I really enjoyed it . But , I wanted romantic fireworks with my man for our first Fourth of July together . When the crowd thinned out , we managed to find a decent vantage point . Of course , we got b * tched out by a girl , who after investigation we learned was not a resident of the building . Although our night wasn 't quite as romantic as it could have been , another couple was having an incredibly romantic night . A man was proposing to his girlfriend via a presentation on his iPad . It was very touching and made me realize the night was a success just being with CK . I needed to stop thinking about the perfect picture I had in my head and just go with it . When the fireworks ended , we made our way down to his apartment . The alcohol was flowing , among other things , and all his " roommates " were already home causing a raucous . When we moved into CK 's bedroom to escape the party a bit , it slowly but surely moved into the room as well . I wasn 't thrilled . Slowly but surely , they piled in , one by one . I inched my way further and further up the bed until I was sufficiently pressed against the wall to make room for more " roommates . " That 's when it happened . I was so incredibly disappointed . CK and I discussed in detail how uncomfortable certain situations made me , and he breached that comfort level quite drastically . I wanted to be anywhere but there . I wanted to go home . I completely shut down . He made me so incredibly minuscule by ignoring the entire lengthy conversation we 'd shared about this very subject . I wasn 't exactly being forthcoming about what made me so upset . The fact that he was so clueless about why I was so upset only made it worse . He actually thought I had cheated on him and didn 't know how to tell him . He couldn 't have been further off base . I just wanted to leave , but I knew there was no way I would be able to make it home before the sun rose in the sky with all the crowds . Luckily , everyone began to file out of the room naturally . I laid there with my back to CK crying myself to sleep . He tried to comfort me and made excuses , but it was no use . The damage was done . He knew how I felt about this , and he selfishly did what he wanted anyway . This was not how someone treats you when they love you . My head was spinning . Because I was worried I would have to let him go , the tears streamed more and more . I 'd reached the last straw . I wasn 't ready to talk about it that night because I wanted a clear head when we talked about it for the last time . That night , we 'd have to go to bed with tension in the air . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 27 , 2012 In this day and age , it 's nearly impossible to surprise someone . Everyone is far too connected through so much social media . It 's even more difficult to surprise someone you love because you spend so much time with them . For the longest time , I 've had two things on my life 's to - do list regarding surprises - To throw a surprise party and to have one thrown for me . Since I 've shared this list with CK , he 's well aware of these two items . So , when he birthday arrived , he would have a heightened sensitivity regarding a surprise party . Over the years , I 've learned to not celebrate my birthday because in the end , if you don 't celebrate it , you can 't be disappointed by the turnout . CK is a bit different . He loves a big party and certainly loves to be the center of attention ; ) . Nothing was going to stop him . I knew from the start if I was going to pull off a surprise for CK 's birthday , I wasn 't able to do it alone . I needed to recruit help . Since one of his friends wasn 't particularly thrilled with me after The Prometheus Debacle of twenty ought twelve , I decided to hit up his other close friend for help . It was the day before his birthday which fell on a Friday . I quickly shot him a message on Facebook and told him my plan to surprise CK the following day . I had one big problem . I was swamped at work . We were in the middle of a pitch , and I knew his friend has much more time on his hands as he was recovering from surgery . I asked him to pick a place , set a time , and invite the friends who were still bitter about the movie tickets , as well as any others I didn 't know about . He was onboard . When he suggested we go to this cute little Thai restaurant in CK 's neighborhood because they also served alcohol , I immediately knew what he was talking about . " That 's perfect ! " I responded . I used to order from Q2 when I worked in that neighborhood , and CK and I ate there the day he moved into his new place . I was thrilled , and it would work out well because it was close . It was never easy getting CK moving and out the door . Proximity was prime . We also decided to create a diversion . I told him to have everyone involved feed a story to CK . The friend I was planning with was going to tell him he would meet him up for a drink later in the night , but he had dinner plans already ( which partially was true ) . The other friends were going to be going out of town to Connecticut until Sunday , but would make it up to him and take him out to dinner Sunday night . I told him I would take care of CK . That night , I made plans with CK for the following day . I was going to be working down in our Chelsea office , which is relatively closer to his office . I asked him if we could grab lunch together since I was in the middle of a pitch , and I wasn 't sure what time I would be done work that evening . He was thrilled , particularly after no one hit him up to make plans for his birthday . In the middle of the afternoon , I called CK to make sure we were still on for lunch . We agreed to meet in Chelsea Market ( probably a huge mistake ) . I figured we could get food there and take it up on the Highline to eat it . I went in one side of Chelsea Market , and he went in the other . Of course , we didn 't find each other in the middle . When I reached the far door without seeing him , I called him . And I called him . And I called him . The phone rang in my hand about one hundred times before he finally picked up the phone . I was getting extremely frustrated since I had limited time to eat with him , and that time was shrinking . But , I took a deep breath and remembered it was his birthday . I needed to keep cool . We both grabbed some crab / lobster sandwiches and made our way outside to the Highline to find seats for our " picnic . " As we walked , he told me about his friends and how they had plans . He was asking them all to come out for the night , but found only disappointment . I apologized and told him I was still unaware what time I would be released from work ( and sadly , that was the truth ) . In reality , we had plans / reservations for 9 : 00 , and I was desperately hoping we would make that time . I could tell he was a little upset no one would be around for his birthday . He was very skeptical and asked if I was up to something and planning something , but I denied it over and over . I told him how one friend would meet us for drinks around 10 : 00 , and how he told me the other friends had to head out of town for the night . One last time , he questioned me , and I replied , " Babe , I tried to do something , but it 's not working out . I 'm not even sure I can spend your birthday with you . What makes you think I can plan something with others ? I 'm really sorry ! Can I take you out for dinner tonight ? A quiet night with just the two of us ? " He agreed , but I could tell he was a little upset . I told him I had the perfect restaurant , but I wanted to surprise him with that since I wasn 't able to surprise him with anything else . He looked like someone shot his puppy , but his demeanor also changed . It was almost as if , " Well , if they don 't want to spend my birthday with me , then f * ck them . " He no longer suspected a thing . We finished our meal , and he walked me back to my office . I gave him a big kiss goodbye and told him I would keep him posted on what time I could get out of work . My diversion worked . I completely threw him off the scent , and we both went back to work . As soon as I got back to my office , I called his friend . " He was suspicious , but I think I broke his spirits a bit , and now he doesn 't suspect a thing . He thinks it will be a quiet night out to dinner for just the two of us . He has no idea what 's coming … " Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 12 , 2012 Saturday , I felt like there wasn 't a moment to relax . Whenever my parents come into town , it 's stressful . I am navigator , concierge , tour guide , etc . I love them , but I never really get to enjoy it . I 'm always " on . " My sister drove into the city , and we grabbed lunch across the street from Lincoln Center . This was followed by War Horse . It was pretty amazing seeing men puppeteer horses on the stage . CK and I texted periodically throughout the day . He went back out to Brooklyn to his friend 's apartment for dinner . They were joined by the couple we 'd gone on the Avengers double date with . He seemed to be enjoying a nice relaxing day with the boys . Finally , they were gone . I could relax and go nuts . The last thing I wanted to worry about was what to make for dinner . My sister texted asking what I was doing , and I had the idea to order sushi . She was game , so she called in the order and came to my apartment to eat and pregame . I began to text friends to round up a crew to hit up the bar . I realized it 'd been some time since I had a wild night out . I wanted to get drunk ! Sadly , the crew would be very small . People were either out of town or had other plans . I was only able to get my sister and P to go out . CK was texting me . He told me about his day . He told me he mentioned our new status as an official couple to the guys . I learned one of his friends said we looked very happy together , and the other pointed out I was about to have my hands full . " That boy has no idea what he 's in for , " he said . He came back from Brooklyn , and I could tell he wanted to hang out . He kept hinting , but I wanted a night with friends . I needed a drunk night , and I didn 't think he 'd be up for that . I also didn 't want him to get tired of me . We already had plans for the following day . I pretended not to notice his hints and explained my plans for the evening . I told him I 'd hit him up when I came home if he was still up and said goodnight . I also reiterated to him how happy he made me . After we finished our sushi , P joined us . We did some shots and drank some more before heading to my local haunt , McSwiggans . The manager was standing outside , so we said hi , and he escorted us past the line right in the door . It was exceptionally crowded , being Cinqo de Mayo . I barely made it to the bar to say hi to one of my favorite bartenders . She asked where 'd I 'd been , and I told her she needs to start working Thursday nights if she wanted to see me more often . We tried to stake claim to a spot on the " dance floor " but were constantly shuffled and pushed aside as others maneuvered the bar . It wasn 't long before a teammate of mine from college recognized me . When I saw him , I cut through the crowd to say hi and exchange a manly bear hug . It 'd been a long time since I 'd seen him . He was in Hoboken visiting friends . He pointed out the few others around the bar I knew from college , and I said hi to all . Overall , the night was alright . I didn 't stay out too late . I was home by 1 : 30am . It 'd been weeks since I went wild on the weekend . I needed that . I only hoped it would have been a bit bigger and involved more friends . I realized CK and I needed to find some time to get drunk and go dancing together . We were long overdue . When I got home , I texted him to see if he was still awake . I got no response . I decided to call anyway , but I got no answer . I was missing him and wanted to talk to him . That , however , was not possible . With that , I climbed into bed disappointed and realized how empty my bed felt without him … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 9 , 2012 Today is a Fast Forward Monday ! ! ! Hope you are enjoying these . It will help bring the blog a little closer to real - time . If you 're keeping up with the stories chronologically , please skip down to this morning 's post first , then read this one . I think it 's a good one ! Enjoy ! After spending the day with The Navigator at the beach and then sharing a pretty spectacular relaxing evening together , I slept great . There was a sexy naked man in my bed , and I knew just what to do with it . We fell asleep spooning each other . When I woke in the morning , I couldn 't stop smiling when I realized it wasn 't a dream . I still had to bring myself back down out of the clouds to keep myself in check . This wasn 't going to last forever . I didn 't care . Right now , there was a man in my bed , and he needed to be cuddled . I rolled over and pulled him close to me . He was still slipping in and out of sleep . As he woke up , we picked up just where we left off the night before . Everything we did was fun . We were constantly ribbing each other and joking around . When we ended laying face to face , I said to him , " I just want to climb up to the roof and shout , I love my best friend , [ The Navigator ] . Boop ! " as I reached my finger out and tapped him on the nose ( an homage to Super Bad ) . We both laughed for some time . We continued to cuddle all morning . I didn 't care if I stayed in bed all day . I was happy . We were interrupted by a call from his roommate . I 'd already learned he was a really good friend , and he liked to placate his friends . While he was on the phone , I took out my camera and snapped a few pictures of him lying naked in my bed . I don 't think he realized what I was doing because he had his back to me , but I wanted some souvenirs to take home with me . Turns out , his roommate wanted to go to the grocery store that afternoon . They share groceries , so he regrettably turned to me and told me he had to go with him that afternoon before we went hiking . I was very disappointed , but I wasn 't going to make a stink about it . I quickly hopped in the shower and got ready for the day while he packed up his things and got dressed . As we walked out the door , I pointed out the Marilyn Monroe portrait saying , " My week with Marilyn . " I drove him home and dropped him off . I was already sad to see him go even though I knew it was a matter of hours before I 'd see him again . I grabbed some lunch and made my way back to the pool . I relaxed with some light reading . I needed to finish off the Tickle My Tush book so I could write my review . I pick him up , and we take a short drive to the base of the mountain . I grab my camera and we make our way up the trail . When we get to a decent height , he suggests we climb back down part way and hit up another trail that had a much better view . We were having fun just being together . On our way back down , he pointed out a shack along the trail : " I wanted to surprise you , but this is going to be where we live when we get married . : ) " While he said this , he took hold of my arm . I knew he was completely kidding , but it was also a sweet gesture . When we got to the top of the other trail , we had quite a view . We could see LA and Burbank off in the distance . He took my camera from me and took some pictures of me . Again , I thought this was a sweet gesture , as were many things he did . He was just very conscientious . You didn 't have to ask him to do things ; he just anticipated it . I was falling for him more and more every minute , but I still maintained my mental state . I then turned the camera on him and snapped a few pictures . I wanted to remember the great guy I met in LA . I hoped we 'd remain friends even after I returned to New York . It would certainly be nice to have a friend on the West Coast . Maybe I could even come back to visit some time . We climbed back down the mountain and made our way to Burbank . We joked about PDA . We both agreed we weren 't really into it , but at one point he casually reached out his hand and grabbed my junk while looking the other way . I pointed out to him that just because he wasn 't looking at it doesn 't mean other people wouldn 't see it as well . We both laughed and continued to joke about other things . We walked around for a little bit and grabbed some ice cream . He was cold , and I was trying to do my best to keep him warm without making him feel uncomfortable . That 's when he broke the bad news to me . He 'd already prepared me for the possibility he 'd have to go to work that night at 1 : 00am . He was on call , and they hadn 't gotten back to him yet . He needed to go home and nap before that shift started . My heart sank a little . He wouldn 't be spending the night in my bed again . I needed to be a big boy about it though . I drove him back to his apartment and said goodbye . We talked about seeing each other the following day since it was my last day there ; I had a flight out at 10 : 00pm . I returned to my hotel room and watched TV in my bed . I knew he was napping , but it was make or break for me to ask him if he would come with me for my ride up the Pacific Coast Highway . After debating for some time , I decided to text him : " Lonely here without you already 😦 haha . What are the chances you 'd wanna ride up the PCH with me after work tom ? " I really didn 't want to take that ride alone . I loved his company , but I seriously feared a disappointing answer . The Navigator wouldn 't let me down like that : " LOL . I know . I wish I were cuddling with you ! ! ! ! ! That sounds like a swell idea . " I was thrilled . I was prepared for the worst , and I got the best . I was looking forward to tomorrow 's road trip so much more now that I had my Navigator ! " Marylyn Misses you too , " I added . Shortly after that text , he requested I send him some pictures of myself . " You 're most handsome ones , " he added . " Whom are you showing me to now ? " I asked . Apparently , he wanted to show off his " super long first date " to his roommate and his other friend . I was pretty crazy about him , but reality wasn 't absent from my brain . It did , however , bring a big smile to my face to know he was showing me off to his friends . It made me feel special and gave me hope I would have a longtime friend from what started as weak Grindr banter … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on March 16 , 2012 Apologies for all you who got my draft post sent out today . I didn 't realize I had it scheduled for release before finishing it . Please disregard ! And apologies for the late post today . After some making out , I grabbed his hand and led him to my bedroom . We had our fun letting our hands explore the other 's body . Things escalated from there until we finally dozed off for the night . He wasn 't the sexiest guy to enter my room , but we certainly had a good time together . I really enjoyed cuddling and making out with him , as well as many other things we experienced that night . When we woke in the morning , we didn 't get out of bed . We spent a majority of the afternoon laying there spooning and cuddling and just talking . I really liked how frank he was about things . He didn 't sugar coat or try to impress me . He was being real . This is a quality I seek out in men . It 's very important . After some time , he asked the question I knew was coming , " Soooo , are you a top or bottom ? " I told him I was a top . I quickly learned he too was a top . This , of course , was followed by a long awkward pause on both our parts . I wondered in the back of my head if he was convertible . He told me it was nine years since the last time he 'd done it . That left a glimmer of hope that he had done it in the past , however , nine years is a long time ! Maybe this was doomed before it even got off the ground . Maybe we were simply sexually incompatible . But , I liked him . I wasn 't ready to walk away from it just based on this . After more chatting , we started to fool around some more . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . We orally pleased each other for some time . He felt so good . Finally , we finished ourselves off laying next to each other . It took some time for both of us . When we did , he mentioned how it takes him a long time to finish . I kissed him strongly . I told him how good it was to hear him say that since we both shared that " malady . " I was happy he was understanding . Around 1 : 00 , we finally got out of bed . I offered to make him breakfast . I cooked up some of my homemade sausage , eggs , avocado , English muffins , coffee , etc . This was serving as our lunch and our breakfast . We watched some TV on the couch while we ate . Finally , he decided to head home and get ready . We made plans to go out for dinner that night . I had a Living Social I was ready to burn up at Trinity , a nice restaurant on the Hoboken waterfront . Around 6 : 00 , I met him on the street corner between my apartment and his friend 's apartment where he was staying for the time being . We took a leisurely stroll towards the waterfront , talking the whole way . When we arrived at the restaurant , it was closed for a private event . We decided to go elsewhere rather than wait for dinner because we were both starving . He wanted to go to East L . A . for margaritas . It sounded like a good plan , so I agreed on that . That night , he had plans to go see a movie with one of his friends . His friend wasn 't getting back to him , so he asked if I wanted to go instead . It wasn 't a movie I was looking forward to seeing , but I had no plans and was enjoying spending time with him . I agreed to go . We talked about many other things over dinner , including the other gay date we were sitting next to . The two guys were younger and we could tell it was a date by what we saw and heard . It was very cute to see - Not something you see every day in Hoboken . When we finished dinner , we started walking down the street towards our apartments . He decided against the movie since he was tired , so we agreed to just stay in and watch TV instead . I 'd never seen the Paranormal movies , and he liked them . We decided to make a Paranormal Activity marathon night of it . We snuggled on the couch the entire night . I was very happy being in his arms , and he in mine . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on March 13 , 2012 Once again , today is another double post to make up for lost time . If you are just visiting for the first time today , scroll down to the previous story to keep up with the timeline . Enjoy ! The night following my date with C . C . , Wed , I got home from work and felt extra motivated by the mild weather . I went for a run , and I had an amazing workout . It 'd been a while since I ran , and I ran hard and far . I was feeling good . Mood was good . Body was improving slowly but surely . Things were going well . Following my run , I was texting this guy . He 'd sent me a text telling me to call him earlier that day , but I was working and never got a chance . Interestingly enough , he was just getting home from work , so he started texting back . Then he picked up the phone and called . We chatted for quite a bit . I learned how close he lived to me . I was enjoying our conversation . I learned all about what he does for a living and he learned about my job . When I told him about my upcoming work trip , he told me about his recent vacation to Paris . I was uber jealous because that is somewhere I 've always wanted to travel . He went alone and stayed a week . he loved every minute of it . He also started telling me a tip to get better service on the plane . If you buy the flight attendants a box of chocolates , you have a good chance of being upgraded . This wasn 't the first time hearing this . We were chatting about flight attendants when I mentioned knowing a few . My mind immediately went to the flight attendant who cooked me dinner and whom I shared a great night with . He lived a few blocks away from this guy as well . I mentioned him , but I was drawing a blank on the name . That 's when this guy blurted it out . " You know him ? " I asked . His what ! ! ! ? ? He has a husband . " Well , not husband husband , " he added before I could say anything . " How do you know him ? " he asked . I told him we were acquaintances . There was an awkward pause . I could tell he was a bit suspicious . I tried to change the subject immediately , but he continued on about him . " He just had lipo actually . He went to Brazil to his family friend to get it done , " he added . I knew he had the friend and was getting Botox from him , but had no idea he 'd go as far as getting lipo . Someone had more money than they knew what to do with . He did come from a very wealthy upbringing after all . I was still in shock . I just got my confirmation I was the " other man " that night . It all made complete sense with all the sneaking around , the guest room , etc . I wasn 't oblivious to what was going on , but it was still shocking nonetheless to get a confirmation . Finally , we changed the subject . We started talking about his dog . He loves his dog very much and dotes on him a lot . It 's very cute . I like a man who can show a lot of love . It 's a very admirable quality I seek out . I really liked this guy . He seemed very mature , level - headed , sweet , relaxed , etc . What 's not to like ? We agreed to try to grab lunch that Saturday , and we hung up the phone . I no sooner put the phone down before I was all over Facebook scouring the pilot 's page to see if he indeed was married . I immediately noticed a ring on his hand ( however , I 'm oblivious and had to google which hand a wedding ring goes on - It was on the wrong hand ) . I noticed it in more pix . I saw all his pictures on cruises with both sets of parents . Even if they weren 't married , things were serious . I felt so dirty . I liked him so much . I thought he was such a sweet guy . This completely changed my perception of him . Now , I just thought he was a creep . It would have been one thing if he just wanted me to come over for sex . It was a whole other thing that he romanced me so much beforehand . I realized I had sex with a married man , for all intents and purposes . I felt guilty , but I couldn 't take the blame . I had no idea what was going on . I decided to put it from my mind and not think about it anymore . It was in the past , and there was nothing I could do to change it .

I 'm tired . That 's really all I wanted to say . I just want to live a life where i 'm not thinking , thinking , thinking . I try to keep pushing but this shit is hard . Life is hard . Living is work . Loving is hectic . I love my husband to death but he is driving me crazy . He 's getting on my last damned nerve . The thing that drives me the craziest is his financial irresponsibility . I have things that goals that i 'm trying to achieve and he lives in the moment . He talks about the future but makes no effort to plan for it . It 's so fucking annoying ! It 's to the point where I have to really sit down and decide if I want to continue to be with someone I love that may not allow me to have a better future . He 's always saying , " One day at a time , " but i 'm not sure he realizes that you cannot always live your life that way . His attitude is so stink that I don 't want to talk to him at times . Deep down I think he is unhappy with himself . There are so many issues that he needs to resolve . We started chipping away at his layers when we were in therapy and I saw a big change in him . Lately i 've noticed that he has gone back to the angry man he was years ago . I 'm not crazy about that man . He 's not the one I fell in love with . The one I fell in love with was loving and supportive . I have a business idea that I have been trying to get off the ground . My husband has always been very supportive . He helps in every way he can . I definitely appreciate that . He never has a problem with being there for me and trying to help me achieve my goal . I have to give him that . My husband makes a decent living . He has a blue collar job that pays extremely well . That is more than enough for him . He doesn 't want anything else . That 's fine because his job definitely does a lot for our family . He makes more than I do . The thing is I sometimes wonder how he will feel if my business takes off and makes money and my dollar signs surpass his . I 'm not so sure he would be able to handle that . He would never admit it but I think it 's true . I don 't want to have a job forPosted by I 've been so busy lately that I hardly have time to breathe . I 've been thinking about blogging a lot lately and wanted to update what 's been going on with me . I don 't have any contact with my sister . I called her a few weeks ago and we talked . Well , actually I did most of the talking . She didn 't have much to say . I 'm sure she thinks she is innocent in the situation . At this point I can honestly say I don 't give a damn . I 'm not living my life according to what others think anymore . I love my sister and don 't want anything to happen to her but she made her opinion of my life and decsions very clear . I 'm not harping on anyone 's judgment of me . She has done and continues to do a lot of things that I do not agree with but I have never judged her or treated her any differently . I wish her well and don 't have time to think about her holding that gavel in her hand . I 'm still not really feeling my husband . We go out and have a good time together but we 've had sex once since everything happened in June . I 'm not into it . He knows how I get when things are incomplete . In a perfect world I would be on my own . It 's just not financially feasible right now . We just got tagged with a huge IRS bill because the chick that did our taxes totally mislead us on a lot of things . We trusted her and ended up in a big ass jam . I 'm so upset . When the uncle we all hate comes knocking you have to answer the door or he will destory your life . . . . . THE BASTARD ! My children are all doing wonderful and my relationship with my daughter is better than ever . I 'm so happy about that . We 've grown much closer and she is much more involved with the family . Her job situation is great and she 's in the process of looking for a place . I think that is a great idea . It 's time for her to get out into the world and discover new things . I 've been having a lot of fun and doing things on my own . I make sure to go out at least once a week without my husband . He is no longer the focus of my existence . He has noticed that and I think he is scared . He tries to act like he ' Posted by So , yesterday I told my sister how I felt . She 's been acting sort of nasty lately so I emailed her . I didn 't feel like having some long drawn out conversation so I did it that way . I know it wasn 't the right way to go about it but , to be honest , I don 't care anymore . I 've decided that i 'm just not going to deal with her . I have a lot going on . I have a 17 year old foster son and I just found out that he is going to be a father . He 's been dating his girlfriend since he moved in with us at 15 . We really love him . He wants us to adopt him before he turns 18 . We haven 't done so because he was holding out hope that his mother would get herself together and become a part of his life again . Through therapy and a lot of talking he has come to terms with the fact that it 's not going to happen . I got a call from the girl 's mother last Saturday morning . He was at work . She wanted to speak to him but since he wasn 't available she thought she would tell me in a very light hearted voice that I was going to be a grandmother . My reaction was far from light hearted . I was in shock ! We talk very openly about sex in my home . I want my children to be informed . My son is very upset about the pregnancy . He said he used a condom every time and his girfriend told him she was on the pill . She even showed him the pack . They were having sex when he came to us and my husband and I both sat him down and did the whole birds and bees thing . The girl and her mother are ecstatic . They think this pregnancy is a wonderful idea . She is 17 and still in the 10th grade . Our son received a full scholarship from Villanova University and was excited about going to college . We 're not sure what to do now . He has already accepted . There 's a baby on the way now and he has to do his part , but we really want him to get that degree . He 's a very smart young man who has had a rough life . He 's seen more at 17 than i 've seen and i 'm over 40 . I don 't want his life to have to take such a drastic turn because one condom broke . He is heartbroken because he thinks he 's not gPosted by Well , things have been interesting . I 've just decided to live my life and not worry about anything . My husband and I are getting along but i 'm not in the mood to have sex with him . It 's been a few months . That 's just not going to happen right now . It doesn 't matter that i 'm not sure if he did what he 's accused of . I 'm just not in a place where I want to get intimate . My relationship with my sister is terrible . I don 't appreciate the way she reacted to everything . Just because I didn 't do what she thought I should she kind of turned her back on me in judgment . I don 't have time for people like that no matter who they are . In her mind , i 'm upset with her for telling me what she saw . All that does is prove that she does not know me . I 've never judged my sister . She has done a lot of things that I don 't approve of at all but i 've tried to be there for her in an open and honest way . The fact that I have not received the same treatment hurts . If you love me you love me . It 's not about your hate for my husband . I still don 't even know what 's going to happen in my marital future . It would be nice to have a sister to discuss it with . I 've been relying a lot on my brother . The two of us haven 't always been that close but he 's handling the situation like an adult , giving me awesome advice , and not concentrating on what my husband did or did not do . It 's all about our relationship . That 's all I need . I do not want to be judged , especially by someone who is suppose to have my best interest at heart . I have officially decided to let go and let God . I mean it . If I don 't take that route i 'm going to go crazy . Things in my home have been amazing . My children are happier than ever , even my daughter . She 's the only one home right now . One is away with her Godparents and the rest are with my mother - in - law . We were all having a great time together when they were here . My children 's happiness means a lot to me . They 're loving having their father around all the time . After the alleged incident I wasn 't sure what to do because I didn 't want to take their father away just when they felt like they got him back . It took me a while to realize that I had to do what was right for me . I 'm still not exactly sure what that is so i 'm going to take it one day at a time . I 'm spending time with my husband but he knows things are not settled yet . I 'm just living my life . I 've made plans to hang out with friends and have decided to have a me day at least twice a month , if not more . I refuse to spend so much time and energy worrying about what people will think if I stay with my husband or trying to figure out if he lied . I 'm just going to live . I really mean it . I want to enjoy myself and have fun . I 've spent a lot of years down in the dumps . I can 't do that anymore . It 's wonderful to see that my children feel like they can exhale and not worry about mommy and daddy . They all have twinkles in their eyes , even the older ones . I don 't know what will happen if I choose to move on without their father but hopefully it won 't affect their relationship . My husband has done a lot of things but I know that he loves his children . He was really under the impression that his cheating did not affect them . After marriage counseling and a lot of talking he knows the truth . He realizes that he has to spend time with all the kids . He may not be able to totally repair the damage he 's done to his relationship with the two oldest but they seem to be willing to give him a second chance . My daughter has really opened up . That makes me so happy . We 're spendingPosted by Considering all that I have on my mind i 'd say I 'm doing pretty good . I don 't know what the future is going to bring but i 'm also not worried about it . I 'm sick of investigating and trying to figure out what my husband did or didn 't do . There 's really no way for me to get to the bottom of the situation . I do know that I don 't trust some of the people I use to trust and this situation has showed me who a few people really are . I can 't say i 'll stay with my husband and I can 't say I won 't . I do love him and see lots of changes in him . That doesn 't mean he didn 't do what he 's accused of . So what now ? I just pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and , the courage to change the things I can , and wisdom to know the difference . I 'm taking life step by step . I had dinner with one of my best friends after work Friday . We hadn 't seen each other for a very long time . I told her what happened and her advice was to get out of my head and let nature take its course . It felt good to talk to my her . She is one of the people I trust most in the world and her advice is always important to me . We 've been through a lot together . She knows my story and I know hers . I can be totally open with my friend and know that she will not judge me . It felt so good to sit across the table from her and get all the crap off my chest . There aren 't many people I can talk to and be completely honest about what is going on in my marriage . I have two best friends and they offer advice and love unconditionally . My other friend feels that things happen and whether or not my husband did what people are saying he did I should go with my heart . She says I am the only one who can make the decision and what other people say does not matter . My sister has pulled away from me . I think she 's disappointed . She expected this to be the final straw and hoped that I would leave my husband . I can feel her judgment whenever we talk . Things are strained between the two of us . I talked to our brother and he says no one else is in my home oPosted by My husband called me at work yesterday and asked if i 'd like to go to the movies . It was a nice day and I didn 't really want to go home after work , so I told him yes . A little while after I spoke to him my best friend , who I haven 't seen in about 18 months , called and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink . I should have gone with her but I decided to go to the movies with my husband . We did , however , decide to meet up one day next week . She 's the one person I use to confide in . We drifted apart because her job is very demanding and she moved quite a distance away . Anyway , my husband picked me up from work and we went to see The Taking of Pelham 123 . The seat in the theater had the arm rests that moved up and down . I moved kind of far away from him because I know that he doesn 't like to put it down . We usually sit close to one another . The movies is our thing . We always snuggle and eat popcorn when we go . He grabbed my hand and I cringed . I 'm not sure if he noticed . He took my hand and rubbed it on his crotch and laughed , which normally would not have bothered me . We play around like that all the time . I was more bothered when I realized that he is trying to act like everything is okay . I did not move or react and my grip on his hand was very loose . My body language was obvious , but he did not let my hand go . I 'm still not sure what to believe or do . My husband is professing his innocence , my sister is convinced he did something wrong , his cousin is telling me she was there and he didn 't do anything out of the ordinary , my head says leave but my heart says stay . The situation is driving me crazy and I really wish I didn 't have to deal with it . My nephew graduated from junior high school the other day and he wants us all to go out to dinner this evening . My husband wants to go but my sister does not want him there . Personally , I think she 's being selfish . It 's not about her . My nephew loves my husband and will be looking for him . What am I suppose to say when he asks me why his uncle didn 't come ? This whole thing iPosted by Had a great day with the family yesterday . It was a family outing we all have been needing for a long time . We were going to go on a boat ride but it was raining so we had to revise our plan . My husband loves video games so the kids suggested we take him to an arcade . We had a great time ! The whole family was there and it was just marvelous . I was even able to stop thinking about my marital woes . My daughter seemed to enjoy herself more than anyone and that made me really happy . She seems a lot happier these days . I think we played every game in the arcade . My husband and I were running around like kids . At one point I stopped and watched him with our children . It was so cute . I think he was having more fun than they were . We all really enjoyed playing basketball and skee ball against each other . I 'm the skee ball master . We must have had a billion tickets by the time we left that arcade . Of course we got a bunch of nothing . A great time was had by all . I haven 't enjoyed myself that much in a very long time . It 's very rare that we 're all together like that . I think every one of us had permanent smiles on our faces . The kids cooked dinner for their dad when we got home . They would ask me questions from time to time but wouldn 't let me help . That was fine with me . Hubby and I watched some of the shows on our DVR while they cooked . He could not stop talking about what a good time he had . He looked like he wanted to cry a few happy tears . We ate together and watched a movie . I have to say , it was one of the best days we 've had as a family in a very long time . Everyone was very happy . It 's times like this that make it so hard for me to end my marriage . I know how great things can be . I know I can 't rely on that to make me decision , but it makes it so much harder to give up and leave . I 'm glad we were able to have such a wonderful day . It was great to see my daughter smiling and participating . She has been a lot more open lately . I guess therapy is helping . Speaking of therapy , I have decided to go on a weekly basis . I thiPosted by I 'm starting to question so many things . I 'm not sure what the hell went on at that party anymore . Things seemed so clear in the beginning . It was easy to wash my hands of my marriage when I hadn 't really spoken to my husband . Things have definitely changed since my last post . I went to see our marriage counselor on my own . She 's so easy to talk to . I told her what happened and it felt so good to get all of that mess off my chest . She feels that in order for me to come to a decision , I need to understand what all of this means to me and figure out why I don 't seem to be able to break away from a marriage that may not be as healthy as it should be . Basically , she thinks I need to do some soul searching . I think she 's right . After the letter and the text messages I decided to call my husband and ask him if he wanted to sit down and talk . It was my intention to tell him that our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce . I went back and forth all day and felt that I had the strength to do so . What else could I do ? I had already told him that he had run out of chances . I couldn 't turn back . We went and sat on a park bench when I got off work . The conversation did not immediately turn to all the drama . There was an incident at his job that really bothered him and I let him talk it out . To be honest I wasn 't really in a rush to talk about what transpired and how I was feeling . I didn 't really want to deal with it but knew I had no choice . I told him how I felt about everything . I tried really hard not to forget anything . It was very important that I got everything off my chest . I gave him the floor and when he was done , my mind went into a tailspin . He was so convincing . The man was adamant when he told me that he would never do something like that to me . He said the whole thing was a misunderstanding and professed his love for me . We had a really good talk . When it ended I was more confused than ever . It was easy to say it 's over and i 'm getting a divorce when I wasn 't speaking to , or dealing with , my husband . Things are diPosted by When I opened my eyes at 5 : 30 this morning the first thing I saw was a white piece of paper on the dinner tray I left up the night before that said , " Please read . " I wasn 't sure if I wanted to read it . My first instinct was to tear it up and move on . Curiosity got the best of me and I read it . This is what it said : Good morning , I know I have messed up really bad with you and you have no trust for me . When we first started going to counseling I really felt I had no chance , but after a while I saw you becoming relaxed and happy . I started feeling better about myself because of you . I began to feel like we really had a chance and that you may actually trust me one day . Recently I found out that you were lying and wasn 't really giving me the benefit of being trusted again . It wouldn 't have bothered me before but I really committed after going to therapy . We were making changes . I went to therapy for you and me . I thought it was a chance for me to be trusted by you again . This is why I need to tell you again that the way things came out of my mouth was not what was intended . I 'm really not trying to lose you . I already knew we had issues . Why would I do some disrespectful shit like that and make matters worse ? I know you are in pain because I can feel it to the point that I am sick and weak . I love you more than you know . I also keep wondering why no one said anything to me if they thought I was doing something wrong . Instead they held it in until later to tell you like it was some big secret . Anyway , i 'm not going to dwell on that . Please don 't leave me . I need you and I love you . If you had just a little trust in me this may not have gone so far . I really do love you and I did not do this . Just because someone looks guilty it doesn 't mean they are . I have been feeling strong since this whole ordeal started . Before I went to bed I wrote in my journal , " I will not cry . He does not deserve my tears . " I was so mad at myself when I cried after reading the letter . I really want the things he wrote to be true . I don 't want to Posted by I am so much stronger than I was a year ago . If this would have happened then it would have destroyed me . I would have crawled up into my regular ball and felt like dying . Things are so damned different this time . I am so over this situation that I really don 't have time to dwell on it . If my husband wants to conduct himself like a horny teenaged boy with no control he can have at it . I 'm a grown ass woman and will continue to act like one . If I had not taken this journey seriously , and changed a lot of things about myself , he would be dead or in the hospital right now . I seriously contemplated killing him . I probably could have pleaded temporary insanity after all that he has put me through . I think I was insane . How could I have put up with all his shit ? Is love really that deep ? Why was I a fool for it ? It 's not like I needed him in my life . The people who know keep asking me if i 'm alright and when I tell them that I am they don 't believe me . I 'm not lying at all . I feel fine . Like I said in my previous post , I gave him a chance and he messed it up . I did my part . It 's time for me to move on . The only problem is he won 't move on , I mean out . He 's determined to stay and wait it out . I know he thinks things will smooth out and i 'll forgive him . He 's totally wrong . I have checked out . My heart is closed to him . He 's stepped on it too many times and i 'm not going to let it happen again . I will always love him , but that love seems to come with so many bad memories that I don 't want to deal with it . He 's been cooking and cleaning all week long , like that 's going to change something . He usually hangs out with his friends every Thursday and tonight he has decided to stay home . I don 't know why he 's wasting his time . There is nothing he can say or do that will change things at this point . I wish him well . I know that my life will be much better without the stress of his bullshit following me around . The journey continues . Who knows where it will lead . . . Well , I gave it a try and it didn 't work so now i 'm moving on . My marriage is done . I 'm not even sad . No one can say I didn 't go for it . Forgiveness is an important thing . I 'm glad I gave my husband the chance to prove that he could be faithful . It 's too bad he couldn 't do it . So , we went to his cousin 's birthday party Friday night . We had an absolute blast ! Everyone drank and danced the night away . My husband works every Saturday and he has to get up really early in the morning . Around 12 : 30 he decided he wanted to leave and rushed me and my sister out the door . We weren 't ready to leave but neither one of us wanted to take a cab home and he was driving . My sister and I made our way through the crowd and outside to the car , which was parked in front of the lounge . We stood there and waited for about 10 minutes before I started to get pissed off . I called his cell phone and he said he was looking for his cousin so he could let her know were leaving . After waiting another 15 mintutes I sent my sister inside to see what was going on . I didn 't have a hand stamp and didn 't want to deal with any drama . A few minutes later my husband and sister came outside . She had a funny look on her face and he looked upset . I was pissed ! How the hell are you going to have me standing outside waiting for you and you come outside with bag full of birthday cake and a scowl ? We dropped my sister off and as soon as we pulled up to our place I jumped out of the car and left him . He barely came to a stop before I got out . I went into our bedroom and locked the door . I really did not want to be bothered with him . To be honest , i 'd been feeling funny for a few weeks . I just felt like something wasn 't right . So , anyway , fast forward to Saturday afternoon . My son 's fraternity was having a charity brunch and my sisters and I were going to meet up and go together . I was getting dressed when my husband came home . As I was putting my clothes on I got a text from the sister I partied with the night before . She said she needed to talk to me . I already Posted by Wow , little ole me got two blog awards . I 'm so excited ! Here they are : I am the recipient of the Proiximity Award . It was given to me by one of my favorite bloggers , Lil Honey B . Check her out at the Bee Hive . PROXIMITY - nearness in space , time , and relationships . These blogs are exceedingly charming . These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends . Check up on these writers ! The rules are : This blog award should be sent to your favorite 8 bloggers , and they , in turn , should forward it to 8 of their favs . GaytekeeperOyinRenaissance Black WomanD - PlaceKeith 's EscapadesFred SmithBond GirlProstituted ThoughtsI was also given an award my one of my favorires who has been there for all of my journey . I really love this guys blog and his words have meant a lot to me . Thanks Gaytekeeper . I 've been splashed . The Splash award , the rules are : * Put the logo on your blog post . * Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure , amuse , bewitch , impress or inspire you . * Be sure to link to your nominees within your post . * Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog . * Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award . I don 't blog that much so I can 't come up with nine bloggers . I only have a few . Here they are : Love Becomes HerDabiznizSunshine Loves PeaceNot All Baltimore Chicks Are Stupid I took a total break . I took a break from blogging , working , parenting , and everything else . I took some time for myself . It just wasn 't working and I needed to get it together . The situation with my daughter is not better at all . I 'm almost ready to tell her to get the hell out of my house . Her attitude is stank , she never interacts with the family , and is just getting on my damned nerves . I 'm sick of looking at her dishes in the sink and waiting for her to wash them . Both my husband and I are trying to keep our cool . It 's to the point where I just don 't want to deal with her . She actually applied for a program in Boston and I pray every day that she gets in . It 's time for her to go . If I did not take a break I think I may have grabbed her by now . I 'm not upset about the way she 's feeling anymore . I threw out the olive branch a couple times and it was not accepted . At this point I feel like she is reveling in her victim role and does not want to let it go . I just cannot be obsessed with her feelings anymore . That may be wrong , but it 's the way I feel . It felt so good to just do me . I worried only about myself and let my brain take a break . This is something I will be doing on a permanent basis and I don 't care how anyone feels about it . If I don 't do me i 'll go crazy . I 've worked really hard to repair my relationship with my husband and I thought life would be so much better . When the situation with my daughter came up I had to make a conscious decision not to let it destroy me and it hasn 't . I love my daughter to death . I 'd take ten bullets for that chick . What I will not do is allow her to turn me back into the sad shell of a woman I once was . She feels that I owe her and should kiss all up in her ass until she feels there are enough lip prints on it . That 's not going to happen . I gave me away to her father and I will not do it again . I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling and try to work things out and she said no . I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk and she said no . I asked her what she needed Posted by It 's hump day and I feel like I 'm overcoming a big ass hump of my life . Is it wrong if I am to the point where I just don 't give a damn about what people are feeling ? I 've spent a lot of years putting myself on the back burner so that others could be happy . I do it at home and I 've done it at work . I 'm tired of that shit ! I 'm trying to live . A lot of life has passed me by and I let it happen . I stayed home and raised my children while their father lived the life of a bachelor and allowed myself to get lost , even though I knew it wasn 't what I deserved . I gave my power away to others and convinced myself that I couldn 't do anything about it when I knew better . Why ? I 'm not sure I can answer that . There 's really no excuse and I won 't try to act otherwise . I 'm close to 50 years old and I 'm starting over . In some ways it 's a beautiful thing and in a lot of ways it 's pathetic as hell . This is the time when I should be enjoying life , not figuring it out . My questions and answer period should be done . My husband has had his time and it 's nice that he has come around but why did I let him get away with so much ? In my mind it 's not about rethinking the past , but in my heart I 'm feeling like I shouldn 't let it go . All I can say is he 's lucky I love him so much and decided against seeing my murder plots through . He doesn 't even know that I held a knife to his throat while he was sleeping on more than one occasion . It took me a while to realize that it wasn 't his fault that I allowed him to kill my spirit . I knew I couldn 't take his life as payment for the soul I allowed him to trample on . That was on me , so I accepted it and continued to live my shell of a life . I was only existing . There was not living involved . Fast forward to the now . I 'm more in love with my husband than I 've been in years and I can actually say that I don 't think he is cheating and believe it . He takes time to do the little things that mean so much and we talk about our dreams and goals for the future . Posted by It was so easy to say that I thought things would work out between my daughter and I when she was away . You could not tell me I didn 't have it all figured out . Now that she has been home for a little while , i 'm realzing that not only do I not have the answers , there 's a distance between us . My daughter has actually put some distance between herself and our entire family . She gets up in the morning , goes to work , does whatever she needs to do when she gets off , comes home , says hello and kisses everyone , and retreats to her room . The only time we see her is when she 's getting something to eat or going to the bathroom . I 'm not really sure what to do . How do you try to help someone who doesn 't really want to be helped ? The situation is really , really difficult . I want to be the mother she says she needs , but how do I do that if she is shutting me out ? On one hand she 's my daughter and I want to make sure she is okay , but on the other hand she is a grown ass woman and I don 't want to invade her space . I was in the livingroom watching television with a couple of my kids the other day . When I heard my daughter 's keys turning the lock I got a knot in my stomach . Knowing what I know has really done a job on the way I feel about her . She feels the way she feels and I totally understand and would never devalue that . The thing is , I know that she thinks everything into the ground . I was nowhere near perfect , but I know that I was not a terrible mother . I 'm trying with all of my heart to see things from her side but it 's hard knowing you 're being blamed for things you 're not sure you 're responsible for . I save everything my kids give me . My husband and I were doing some cleaning the other day and I came across some letters my daughter wrote me . The emotions I felt reading them this time were very different from when I first received them . When I first read her words telling me how much she depended on me and how I was always there for her I felt proud . Now i 'm not sure what to feel . Was she lying ? Was she trying to make me feelPosted by My husband and I had a great time while our kids were gone . We went out a few times , but that wasn 't really all that important . The most important thing was the time we spent alone . We really connected and the time was definitely needed . I really do love him . I was able to forget about all the drama and just lose myself in the time I spent with my man . It was really nice . He picked me up from work every day and we would either go out for dinner or drinks or go home . It didn 't really matter . All we cared about was spending time together . I was wondering what was going to happen when his usual hang out day came around . I never mentioned it to him . All I did was wait . I made plans in my head about what I was going to do and kept it moving . His hang out day came around and he called and said he would be picking me up from work . I was surprised . We went to get something to eat and to our favorite dive for happy hour . While we were there , hubby started telling me about how his co - workers tried to get him to go out with them . He said he told them there was no way he was going to go out with them when he had a beautiful woman waiting to spend time with him . I thought that was sweet . I 'm very thankful that we had the opportunity to be at home without the kids . It is very rare that something like that happens . We could walk around naked if we wanted to , and we did . It 's always nice to relax in your own home and lounge around and feel comfortable . We also had some of the best sex we 've had in a very long time . I know this will not be happening any time soon so i 'm going to cherish the time we had . We made a date box and put a lot of things inside that we would like to do . Every week we 're going to pick something out of the box . We came up with things that we have never done or haven 't done in a long time . I 'm looking forward to all the fun things we 're going to do . I 'm glad my kids are gone this week . It 's been nice spending time with my husband and i 've had time to think about the situation with my daughter . I feel like i 'll be ready to face the future of our relationship when she returns . After the emotional roller coaster I was on after I read her journal , I needed time to get it together . I feel bad about reading her private thoughts but at the same time I feel like it was suppose to happen . She definitely needed to say some things to me . I know she didn 't say all that she could have , but when we talked I could see that it made her feel better . It 's not easy carrying all of that animosity and hurt around . Trust me I know . I am in my mid forties and have so many parental issues that it 's crazy . The thing that hurts most about the things I read is that I thought I did a pretty good job of not repeating my mother 's mistakes . When I realized I repeated them , it almost destroyed me . I thank God for marriage counseling . I learned how to deal with things that make me unhappy . Instead of closing myself up like I once did , I have learned to try and get to the cause of the problem and find solutions . I can 't worry about the past . Mistakes have been made and feelings have been hurt and it 's time for correction . Apologies are in order and i 've talked to my husband about it . He has to learn to stop letting his embarrassment about his actions turn into anger . I had to make him understand that excuses and pointing fingers was not going to get it this time . His child , and possibly children , is hurting because of his actions and he needs to stop skirting around the issues and face them . I didn 't tell him about the journal , I only told him that our child is carrying a whole lot of the past on her shoulders . We 're going to start doing more things as a family . I 'm going to make sure of that . I have to admit that most of my energy has been focused of working through my marital issues . We 're doing a lot better . It 's time for us to band together and make sure that our children are okay . I 'm feelPosted by So , I woke up with my daughter on my mind . She spent the night with her college friend and I went out to dinner with my husband . I did a lot of praying and asked God to help me decide whether or not I should tell him about what was going on . As we were eating and having a good time , something told me to wait . I stopped thinking about it and enjoyed the time we were spending together . When I got up this morning , I tried to decide what would be the right thing to do . I really wanted to talk to her , but she said she wasn 't ready . After a lot of thought , I sat down and wrote her a five page letter . I poured my heart out and tried to make her understand some of the things that I felt have affected our relationship . I left the letter on her bed and began to clean the house . The rest of the kids have already left so I figured one good cleaning should do it for the week . My husband was at work and I had the place to myself . I do my best thinking while I clean . All I could think of was what her reaction would be when she read the letter . I poured all of my nervous energy into my cleaning . My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest when I heard my daughter come in . I was cleaning one of the bathrooms and I heard her door close . She knocked on the door and said hello and went back into her room to pack for her trip . About ten minutes later I heard her outside the bathroom door . I asked if she needed to come in and she said no and went back into her room . I decided to go and knock on her door and she asked if we could talk when I was done cleaning . She had tears in her eyes and I told her the cleaning could wait . We had a nice talk . She said she has had a lot of resentment and anger for a long time because she felt like she did not have a childhood . She felt like our relationship revolved around what her father was or was not doing . She 's impressed by the changes he is making but feels like she is just getting to know him . A lot was said . We talked and cried and I apologized . I wish I could tell her that I know thePosted by So , I went to work the morning after reading my daughter 's journal . I was at my desk staring off into space . I sent my daughter a text last night and she answered it this morning . There was a situation I had with some other members of my family and she was kind of in the middle . I texted her to tell her that I had spoken to one of the family members I had the problem with . I retrieved into my own head for a while after the situation and was very upset with my daughter . We never really talked about it . I sent her a text to let her know things were resolved with the family member and this is what ended up happening : Me - I spoke to ___________ . We talked about what happened and cleared the air . Everything is fine . Daughter - It 's nice that you talked to her . Me - I know . It was kind of petty . I 'm glad we 're over it . Daughter - We never talked about what happened . Me - ? We ? Are you still upset about what happened ? Daughter - YesMe - I didn 't know that . Why didn 't you say something ? Daughter - You said we would talk about it . Me - I did ? ( I have absolutely no recollection of telling her we would talk ) I 'm sorry . Why didn 't you remind me ? Daughter - I didn 't feel like initiating the conversation . ( In her journal she said she was not going to say anything if I didn 't ) Me - Do you feel like you can 't talk to me ? Daughter - I 'm just use to dealing with things on my own . Me - I really did not know you were still upset . I 'm very sorry about that . I love you very much and don 't want to hurt your feelings . Daughter - I love you too . Me - I feel a huge distance between us and I don 't know what it 's about . Daughter - I feel like there were a lot of struggles in our family and I had to grow up fast . Me - Really ? Do you feel like I wasn 't there for you ? Daughter - SometimesMe - I think we should sit down and have an honest conversation . I want you to get the things you 've been carrying around off your chest . What time are you leaving tomorrow . ( she 's going away for the week ) Daughter - 11 : 30Me - Do you want to talk before you leave ? Daughter - I Posted by I am so out of sorts today . I did something that I would never want someone to do to me and now i 'm paying for it . My mind has been racing since last night and I don 't know what to do about the situation I created for myself . I don 't know why but lately I have been thinking a lot about how the direction my relationship has taken over the years affected my daughter . She has been with us from the beginning and has seen every twist and turn . There was a time when my husband and I would argue every day and she was there . I 've always known that she knew of his infidelities and wondered what she thought of me , but that 's not something I felt comfortable asking her about . It has been the 800 pound gorilla in the room for years . I 've done my best to raise my children and not bring my own issues to the table . I thought I was doing an okay job , but it turns out that 's not true at all , at least not when my daughter is concerned . I 've always known that life hasn 't been easy for her , but I had absolutely no idea how bad she has been feeling . And then . . . I was in my daughter 's room using her computer . I needed a piece of paper to write something down and when I went to get it out of what I thought was a notebook I saw , in big bold letters , on the last page with something written on it , " I DON ' T WANT TO BE LIKE HER ! " I read the previous sentence and it turns out she was talking about me . I 've written in journals for a very long time and I know how pissed off I would feel if I knew someone read my most private thoughts . I stood in the middle of the room with my daughter 's journal in my hand trying to decide what to do . I went back and forth and came to the conclusion that , even thought I knew it was wrong , I had to know what she was feeling . I made the wrong decision and read my daughter 's journal . I felt bad for doing it , but I felt even worse when I was done . My daughter harbors a monumental amount of resentment toward me . I didn 't read the whole thing , but what I did read really threw me for a loop . She said I haven 't been emotionPosted by I can 't remember the last time this happened , but my husband and I are going to be alone for a whole week ! Between spring break and vacation with friends , all our kids will be out of the house next week . It 's unbelievable ! I can barely contain my excitement . Our two youngest , who are 12 and 13 , will be spending the week with their Godparents . Our 19 year old is going to Florida with his best friend 's family , and I think our eldest decided to find something to do so that we could be alone . She is constantly commenting on how much happier we are . She didn 't decide to go anywhere until she found out her brother was going to Florida . She 's going to spend time with her sorority sisters in Virginia . Our daughter has been there since the beginning of our relationship . She has seen every up and down . I 'm pretty sure she knows her father has done a lot of things that he should not have done . She has never seemed to judge , but I always wonder how she really feels . Her true opinion of me has been a constant ? for me . She has always thanked me for always being there but I guess the shame I feel won 't allow me to believe that she doesn 't see me as a fool . I have no idea what we are going to do while our kids are away . We 'll probably play it by ear . I do know what we will be doing . It 's very hard to get good and passionate when you have a house full of people . We might start ripping each other 's clothes off as soon as the last one leaves . I 'm looking forward to the freedom . I 've been a mother and a wife for a long time . It isn 't often that my husband and I get to just be us . We enjoy each other 's company very much and I know that whatever we do will be good . There was a time when I would not have looked forward to my children being away because I felt like they were all I had . Their father would not have been as interested in spending time with me as he is now . He would have spent a few days with me , but he also would have spent a lot without me . Those days are over for a few reasons . They 're over because he has changed a lot and Posted by What do you do when someone has an attitude with you ? What if you know they have no reason to be upset ? My husband has had a slight tude since the situations I described in the previous post . I know I said I was going to talk to him , but I just don 't have the energy right now . I went to the nail salon after work . It was so crowded that I left . I didn 't feel like waiting . Thursday is usually the day he hangs out and I look forward to having the time to myself . Unfortunately , he worked the midnight shift the previous night and did a lot of running around , so he decided to stay home . I was kind of pissed when I walked into my bedroom and he was in the bed sleeping . So , he woke up briefly while I was taking my clothes off and it was apparent he wasn 't really feeling me . I know I should have risen above but I just did not feel liek dealing . I said hello , grabbed what I wanted , and went in the living room to watch television . My initial plan was to watch the programs I recorded on the dvr in our bedroom , but Mr . Sunshine was in my space . I 've come a long way and marriage counseling has given me many tools that I can use , but there are still times when I just cannot pay attention to the bull . I couldn 't believe he was mad at me and didn 't want to feed into it . I had an awesome time on my own doing absolutely nothing . We wake up about half an hour apart in the morning . Hubby was already up and exercising when I got out of bed . I didn 't know what to expect . I could tell he wasn 't that happy with me , but he was more than cordial . He tried to play it off , but i 'm an expert at reading people . It 's all in the eyes . We had nice conversation before he left for work and I went about the business of getting dressed . It would be great if he would just say what 's on his mind and move on . This is something we talked about over and over with our marriage counselor . He was making strides but , slowly but surely , I see him slipping back into old habits . There was a time when I would try to drag things out of him , but this is not one of thosPosted by My husband really got under my skin yesterday . All of our closet doors were being replaced yesterday . My husband couldn 't get the day off , so I stayed home . I needed the time to myself anyway . He said nothing had to be taken out of the closets because they didn 't have to go inside . So , of course , the guy gets to my place and informs me that I have to remove everything from the closets ! My apartment is huge . He measured all the closets and said he 'd be back in a few hours . I spent my whole " me " day working my ass off taking everyone 's stuff out of their closets . My husband thought it was hilarious when he called to see how it was going . I didn 't really get pissed off until he started giving me instructions . Don 't put this here and don 't put that there . I told him I didn 't have time to be supervised and hung up on his ass . I was fuming . How the hell did he have the nerve to be giving me instructions when he wasn 't there ? One source of pissivity down . On to the next . We have a storage unit that I have been paying for . He pays most of the bills . Our oldest child has a really good job and pays the cable and phone bill . My husband pays the rent , which is no small sum . We have two timeshares that we split the cost for and he pays everything else . Most of my money goes to my personal bills . If credit cards didn 't exist , i 'd have a pocket full of dough . Anyway , he goes to a different storage place with his friend and discovers that we can get a larger size unit for the same price we 're paying now . After visiting the place with his friend he decides he 's going to switch . I asked about the payment and he told me not to worry about it . I didn 't really have that much money this week . I have made a vow not to use my credit cards and I never touch my savings account . I had enough money to make it to pay day . When hubby visited with his friend , he was told the first three months would be discounted . I was off yesterday so we decided to go and set things up when he got off . We get there and after everything is set up the clerk give hPosted by I 've used up so much energy caring for my children and stressing what my husband was doing that I lost my life . I didn 't go out much and most of my friends have moved on . They have wonderful social lives and i 'm looking around wondering what happened to mine . Now that my marriage seems to be getting back on track and my children are doing great , i 'm longing for things to do and places to go . I don 't have as many friends as I once had and the ones I do have are always busy when I want to do something . I need to get out and find a life ! I guess it 's time for me to make some new friends . How ? Where ? I don 't remember the last time I went out and wasn 't with my husband . We always have a good time , but I need girl 's time . There was a time when I had girl 's night out every Friday . That was years ago . My best friend moved a few towns away and her job is extremely demanding . I really miss her . At one time I became depressed over the state of my marriage and stopped reaching out to her . I didn 't want to be that friend who 's complaining about her man every time you speak to her . The thing is , she stopped calling . I have helped her through a lot of situations . There was a time when I felt like Dear Abby because all I was doing was giving her advice . In a way , it felt like she deserted me when I needed her most . I know I said I didn 't want to be that complaining friend , but what 's her excuse ? I really miss my friend . We email each other from time to time , but I haven 't seen her in a year . I 'm tired of going home after work each and every day . My life is getting a bit dull . I might have to start off by doing a movie or museum by myself and go from there . My husband was able to live a full life and I was too busy being a parent to think as much about being in the street . It 's my street time now . I need to find myself again . The me that I am got lost in the man that my husband wasn 't . I was way too preoccupied with his stuff to pay any attention to mine . I need to get out of this social rut . Some of my co - workers were talking aboutPosted by I have to admit something . I 'm frustrated . Even though things are much better between my husband and I , I still cannot bring myself to trust him . I try really hard , but it 's just not happening . I don 't spend half as much time thinking about his infidelities as I once did , and that 's great , but I still don 't trust him . Yesterday one of his ex co - workers who moved to Maryland came by our house . I was busy doing something so I didn 't really have time to do much more than say hello to him . They chit chatted for a little while and my husband came to tell me he was going outside for a little while . I didn 't think much of it at first , but after a while I started to feel those old suspicious feelings again . Do I think he was going to do something he should not have been doing ? The answer to that question in no but I still couldn 't shake the funnies . It could be that this co - worker was around when my husband was at the height of his cheating . Old feelings that I didn 't expect came creeping up . I did not like the feeling at all and I fear that they will always be there . I guess there 's so much water under the bridge that I can 't get it out of my head . I really love my husband , but at the same time I resent him for all that he has put me through . I 'm not sure if I can ever be totally happy and that really bothers me . We 've put in a lot of work to improve things . Will I ever trust him again ? I still question the things he tells me and it doesn 't matter whether or not I think he 's lying . I guess I just don 't want to be a fool . Does that mean i 'm not totally commited to making things work ? It 's so confusing . I really miss going to see our marriage counselor . It feels like things ended just when we were making the most progress . We 're going to have so much to talk about when she comes back . My husband misses it too . We made a lot of progress and I don 't want it to be ruined . I 'm sure it won 't , but i 'm so on edge that i 'm scared of what might happen . I don 't doubt that my husband loves me and is trying really hard to be the best manPosted by CozyThat 's the word I would use to describe my home life . ChaoticIs a word I would have used in the past . LovedThe warm feeling inside that I get when I catch my husband smiling at me . UnwantedThe way I felt when he was cheating . SatisfiedThe way I feel after making love to my husband . DirtyHow I felt after having sex with a man who was sleeping with other womenRelievedThe way I feel about my current situationStressedHow I would have been if you met me about a year agoBlessedWhat I say I am when people ask how i 'm doingCursedWhat I thought my marriage once wasI have gone through so many different emotions in the past couple of years that I didn 't know where to turn or what to do at times . I have learned that struggle really helps you appreciate the good times . I feel like i 've been to hell and back with my husband . He wasn 't always the best man , but he was the man I loved . Through all that he put me through , my love stayed constant . I think that 's why I held on . I had a feeling that things would get better one day because I knew the real man that was buried inside of the boy who was running around playing childish games . There were times when I felt like a fool , but now i 'm glad I held on . I am happier than I have been in a long time and i 'm actually learning to trust my husband . It feels great ! Women are like apples on a tree . The best ones are at the top . Most men don 't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt . So instead they take the ones on the ground that aren 't as good , but EASY . Then the apples at the top think that something is wrong with them , when in reality , they are amazing ! Just wait for the brave man to climb to the top . Kendra Newman . .

We have tried so many things to find Ben . I got a call from the workmen yesterday saying Ben had been around the house most of the morning . I rushed home and they told me how they almost caught him and he was coming to his name . They described him exactly . In the afternoon I sat out front of the house calling his name and walking up and down the street . Around 8 : 30 last night I walked out the front door and there was a cat that looked exactly like Ben . It seemed a little scared and was eating the food I had put out really fast . Looking at this cat I was certain it was Ben . It took about 15 more minutes and walking about a block before this cat allowed me to pick him up . It even meowed like Ben . Once back at the house I wanted to double check that this was indeed Ben . I checked the front claws and there were claws . Ben is declawed in the front . I was devestated . I was 99 . 9 % sure it was Ben . I had to set the cat down and it walked away . Because Ben was a stray from around our house there are several cats that look very similar to him . Our bathroom should be done this afternoon . It is looking good , but it is such a bittersweet moment . As much as I love the new bathroom , we have lost a huge part of our family in the process . Who knows , he may be hiding close to the house and just waiting until it really calms down around the house . I pray this is the situation . Another thing that has put all of this in perscpective is some pretty live changing events going on with other people . I read several blogs and there is this one blog I read of a young woman who after several years finally became pregnant with triplets . She delivered them at 22 weeks on Tuesday . Sadly , one of the babies passed away on Wednesday . I can 't imagine losing a child . Then , this morning I got more devestating news . A lady I used to work with and had become really good friends with is dealing with something horrible . Her partner of 15 + years is going to be taken off of life support this afternoon . Her partner has brain cancer and has been fighting it forPosted by I am beside myself . Yesterday , in the middle of all the construction of our bathroom , Ben disappeared and has not been seen since . He was last seen running down in the basement . The guys doing the work did not listen to us when we said we have cats and you need to keep the doors shut and watch the doors when you leave . The one cat that we were afraid that would get out was Brady ( the orange one ) . I spent all last night looking for him and calling his name . Usually when he hides in the house he will come when you call his name or make some noise . We are just praying that he is hiding somewhere in the house and did not get out . I don 't know what I will do if we loose Ben . I told Laura that I know I shouldn 't play favorites , but he is my favorite . He is so loving and loves to cuddle . I hope he 's ok and I hope to see him again . * Update : April 27 , 2006 : Still no sign of Ben . I am going out of my mind . I keep thinking of where he might be . We know for sure he is not in the house . Locked up the other cats last night and put out moist food . ( a treat for them ) Nothing was touched this morning . So , we know he is not in the house . I don 't know how I am going to get past the fact that I might never see him again . My heart is hurting so much right now . I keep thinking of him outside all on his own . I don 't know if he will be able to survive out there . Posted by To understand the title of the title of this post , see last picture on this post . Here are some of the pictures from the " destruction " of our bathroom today . Notice we have no sink . Looks like we 'll be brushing our teeth in the kitchen sink tonight . The bathroom looks huge without that huge vanity in there . We can 't wait until they finish it up this week . For some reason Sophie - cat was sitting behind the " dog proof " gate last night . It was as if she was in jail . As you can see , she could ( if she wanted to ) simply go around the gate and leave . I seem to be on a roll with my Ask Rosie questions . Click here to see the second one she has answered . I wanted to see if any Jehovah 's Witnesses had come knocking on her door . I got the idea for this question last night when I was watching America 's Funniest Home Videos . There was a cat standing outside a sliding glass door and the host said , " Oh Oh it 's the Jehovah 's Kitty " and the cat turned around and started knocking on the glass with it 's back paw . It was the funniest thing I had ever seen . Laura and I were laughing so hard we almost peed our pants . Well , as I type this our bathroom is currently being torn apart . I was going to hang around the house til my normal time to leave , but it was too loud with them taking out the tile and the huge vanity . So , I ended up getting to work at 8 : 30am , thirty minutes early . The cats are very upset . I put four of them in the computer room , but Ben ( the little black kitty ) got out when I was taking water up to them . The last I saw him he was running behind the couch . I don 't expect to see him for a couple days , or at least until they are gone . The dog is in her room and seemed concerened with all the banging going on . Sophie - Cat is under our bed , I think . I just put a food bowl in the room and a liter box . It 's just 9 : 10am and I feel like I 've put in an entire days work already . It 's going to be a long day . Looks like we will be without a shower tomorrow night . Looks like we will need to find someone that will let us shower at their house . We have had several people offer their showers to us . I am just happy that we will be able to stay in our house and not have to stay somewhere for a night . Unless we don 't have a toilet . Then we will have to stay somewhere . Yesterday while at Walmart we bought the cats a new toy . We thought it was a cute toy . Once home the cats just sniffed at it and looked at us like " what is this ? " Once we put catnip all around the toy and dipped part of the toy in the catnip the cats were all about the toy . Here 's Sophie - cat rolling around in the catnip . It 's funny watching her try to roll around beause of her size . She can almost get on her back , but not all the way . Here are all 5 of them sniffing around at the cat nip . As you will notice Sophie - cat ( top left ) and Bonk ( bottom middle ) are in pure ecstasy . The other thee are still eating some of the catnip . It was a real hoot watching them get " high " . Most of them slept rest of the afternoon . Tomorrow is the big day . The " Fix - it - Guys " will be here at 7am to start all the work we are having done . We are thinking it will take about 3 - 4 days as long as there are no major problems . We have all our supplies , the bathroom is cleaned out completly and all the light fixtures marked as to where they go in the house . I am still trying to figure out what to do with the cats . One ( Brady ) will run out the door everytime it is opened . So , we are going to have to lock him up somewhere . I am thinking we will just lock everyone up to make sure they stay out of the way . Ben and Sophie - cat will hide the entire day . They usually do that when someone is in the house . The others are known to get friendly and I would hate for them to get hurt in anyway . The dog will be in her room . Most likely with Brady . Let 's just hope she ( Sophie ) doesn 't go to town on the liter box that will be in with them . Our weekend was so good . It was so relaxing and calming . We rented three movies yesterday and have watched two of them . We watched " A History of Violence " and " Get Rich or Die Trying " . A history of violence was not that good . They did however have some pretty revealing sex scenes . We were like , " wow " . Get Rich or Die Trying which is based on 50 cents life was excellent . We weren 't too sure of it , but it really was excellent . AgaPosted by Thank goodness my attitude has drastically changed since Wednesday . Whew . I think when you add coming home from a wonderful vacation plus a very bad period you get exactly what I had : a horrible attitude . I still miss the beach and the ocean and the relaxation of vacation , but that is exactly what it was . . vacation . It was bound to come to an end . With the weather getting warmer here and just a little over a month before the pool opens I think my attitude will be fine . I used to always say winter was my favorite season , but I think I was wrong . I LOVE summer . I love going to the pool , going to the lake . There is nothing better then lake water . I actually prefer lake water to salt water . Laura and I booked a long weekend at the lake in June . We are psyched cause the place we stay has kayaks . We were suppose to be getting the second part of our deck this weekend , but have had to change those plans . We already have a deck and we were going to put on another tier below that . Laura 's Dad who is the master of all trades was going to do it for us . He came up on Wed . night measured everything and told us exactly what to buy . We called Lowe 's on Wed . night and said , " if we come to the store tomorrow night to get some lumber will you be able to deliever it on Friday ? " They said " yes , that will not be a problem . " So , last night we went to Lowe 's to order the lumber and set up the delivery . Suddenly they had no delivery times for Friday . So , we decided we will just wait til maybe next weekend . Monday they are coming to tear apart our bathroom . We have purchased all the supplies : new bathtub , bathtub surround , toilet , vanity & sink / mirror , lights . You should see our family room downstairs . It looks like we have ripped off a Home Depot . : ) I can 't wait to see the bathroom when it is all done . Oh , and I forgot . . we got all the tile for the new floor . Of course I will post before and after pictures . So , here 's to a wonderful weekend for everyone . Oh and congratulations to Kim and Courtney who are getting married today . This morning as I was sitting with a client I realized I am getting tired of the work that I do . That thought was pretty scary for me . If I don 't do this , what will I do ? I think part of my problem is I am still thinking about vacation and all the fun things we did . There were no schedules and we did what we wanted to . Every afternoon around 3pm we would lay down for a " siesta " . Usually that meant laying down watching TV for an hour or so before going to dinner . I think I really miss those " siesta 's " . When I graduated in 1999 with my Bachelors degree I was all ready for the field of social work . I loved my first job and hated leaving there two years later when I got my masters . After getting my masters I worked for one year in a nursing home . I think that one year in the nursing home really took a lot out of me . It was as if I lost my " zest " for social work . It didn 't help that the nursing home enviornment is so damn depressing . I ended up moving to another nursing home and then being fired three months later . I called in sick one day and told my boss I had to go to the dentist . He didn 't like me and I didn 't like him . When I got to work on Monday he said he wanted to call my dentist to see if I really had been there . WTF ? ? ? ? ? ? I told him I just needed a day off and he said , " You 're fired " . ( This was before Trump coined the phrase , so it wasn 't that exciting hearing that ) It turned out to be the best thing for me . I collected unemployment for six months and really started to heal myself as a person . After six months I got a full time job , but they only paid me for part - time . ( the pay really sucked as you can tell ) I couldn 't live on what they paid me , but I loved what I was doing . I stayed there almost a year and then found this job . And I love my current job . But I feel I am losing some of my compassion and empthay for the client 's that I see . I find myself looking at them and thinking to myself , " thank God that 's not me " . And I think that 's a horrible thing to be doing . I thought that maybe a vacation would do mPosted by Well , I am almost done with my first day back as a productive member of society . It wasn 't as bad as I thought it was going to be . When Laura got up this morning I got up shortly after her to make her lunch . I was in a horrible mood . And I was so tired . It had been almost two weeks since I had to get up before it was light outside . I usually stay up until she leaves , but today I made her lunch and headed back up to bed . I was so depressed . It 's hard going back to work after having such a great time on vacation . When I got up to go to work my mood was much better , thank goodness . I think I was ready to get back on a schedule . Ok , that 's a lie , but that is what I told myself as I was driving to work . Before even going to the office I had a meeting at 9am . I wasn 't able to contribute much to this meeting since I had been out for a week . I was anxious to get to the office and start sorting through all the emails I had . I had more then 300 emails on my office email when I got back . Most were junk mail , so that was good . I forgot to mention something about our trip . While we were in Key West I was talking with one of the ladies in one of the many shops we stopped in . I asked if she knew where the Real W orld - Key West house was . She proceeded to go on for about ten minutes about all the stories about Real World . She said that they were all on a schedule and that it was even scheduled when they would go out to dinner . She also said that they would call ahead and the restaurant would be cleared when they would show up . She said it was not " real " , but all set up . I kind of knew that with the Real World , but it 's still fun to watch . Turns out the house was in a neighborhood part of Key West and she said we would never find it , even if we tried . She also told us MTV rented the house for six months with the price tag of $ 1 Million dollars . I thought it was funny all she was telling us . You never know what you can believe out there . I truly believe when the Real World first came out it was not like it is now . Well , we are back toPosted by As many of you know , I adore Rosie . I read her website everyday . About a month ago she started a new thing on her blog called " Ask Ro " . You write her a question and you hope she answers it . I have submitted a question every day hoping she would answer it . Well , this morning I went to her site and found she had indeed answered one of my questions . Click here to see the question I asked and her response . It is under April 17 , 2006 . And obviously I used my name Caroline . Hint . . the question has to do with adoption . I adore Rosie so much . Laura asked me if I was attracted to her . I think there is just something about her that that I love . I think a lot has to with her confidence in herself and her family . She didn 't care that people say gays / lesbians shouldn 't have children . She has gone out to change the worlds views on gays / lesbians . If you watched " All Aboard " you will see they are just a normal family . And the center of their family ( like it should be in any family ) is LOVE . Finally , a detailed account of our wonderful trip . I will tell you , it was one of the best trips I have ever been on . Laura and I travel so well together , which always makes it easier . This was our first " big " trip together and it was simply wonderful . We left Kansas City early on Saturday ( 8th ) morning . For some reason I was pretty nervous leaving . I had to make sure all the cats had enough food / water , etc and that the house was closed up well . All the way to the airport I kept asking Laura " do you have such and such " . Everytime I would ask her she would simply look at me and smile and say , " yes dear " . Once on the plane it was smooth sailing . We made it to Ft . Lauderdale with no problems . We caught the bus to the car rental place and picked up our car and we were on our way down south . Now the Florida Turnpike is quite the experience . People were fucking nuts on there . Laura drove and at one point we were in the far left lane and there was a sign on the ground that said merge and then you had 10 feet to merge . It was kind of scarey because there was a huge semi - truck right next to us . After that we just stayed in the right lane and minded our own business . Once we hit Homestead the Turnpike ended and Highway 1 started . We stopped right after we got off the turnpike for some lunch . The minute we got on the Highway 1 you could feel it change into an " island " feeling . Everything slowed down and calmed down . Laura also became a totally different person once we hit that highway . It was as if she had finally arrived " home " . It was neat to watch her in all her excitement . Driving down highway 1 we had about an hour before we hit Key Largo . It was stop and go traffic the entire way . Not only were they working on the road , but the draw bridge in Key Largo was keeping busy . But we finally made it to Key Largo . We knew we had only 6 miles to go til we got to our resort . When we pulled into our resort we looked at each other and were like , " wow , this is pretty cool " . There are only 10 cottages in the place and a husband / wife Posted by In all we took 174 pictures plus one underwater camera with 23 pictures . I will not bore you with all the pictures , but here are a few . I tried to add some more , but I think I hit my limit for this post . Will add more in time . Here I am at Ernest Hemmingways house . There were cats everywhere and they all have six toes . They could care of less that we were taking a picture with them . We went to " Theatre of The Sea " which turned out to be pretty neat . They nurse sick animals back to health . This poor turtle was injured when a boat hit his shell . He looked so sad . One of the many beautiful sunsets we saw . This one was taken while we were waiting for dinner . On our last night we found a place to play pool . Bad picture of me , but we were having a great time . Here are the two of us on our first night . A sunset at our resort . This picture was taken right from our deck . Isn 't it georgous ? Laura loves sharks . We saw one while snorkling , but it wasn 't near this big . : ) Maybe 2 feet long . A view as we were driving on the 7 Mile Bridge on our way to Key West . I thought this picture was cool . Looks like we 're driving right into the ocean . We got home late last night and have been exhausted all day . We had a WONDERFUL trip . The last post was suppose to be longer going into more detail about what we were doing , but blogger did not want to cooperate . I had typed out a pretty long post and then when I clicked to publish it , it suddenly vanishsed . I was not happy . I have a lot to write about , plus some wonderful pictures , but that will have to wait til maybe tonight or tomorrow . We got back in town around 11pm and then had to pick up the car and drive home . Once we got home we had a whole weeks worth of mail to sort through , plus giving our cats some loving . Boy , did they miss us . I think they all slept with us at some point last night . Then we had to find our toothbrushes , etc in order to head to bed . Once in bed we had a hard time falling asleep . I think it was 2am when we finally fell asleep . Then this morning I woke up at 7 : 30am and mowed the lawn . I am very particular about the lawn and hate it getting too long . Because it had rained the two days before we left I had to mow earlier then what I had wanted to . So , the grass was really long when we got home yesterday . After mowing we drove down to get the dog . Sophie was very happy to see us , but she had really made herself at home at Laura 's parents house . We walked in and she was all excited to see us and then laid down like , " this is my home now . " She slept all the way home . Once home I put her in the backyard to allow her to go to the bathroom since she only went poop once while we were gone . After a call to the vet on Tuesday ( it had been 4 days since she pooped ) the vet said she should be ok for at least a week , anything after that we should be concerened and have her looked at . She did poop on Thursday . When we got her home she went out back and spent about 10 minutes pooping . I felt like I should take her a magazine or something . Will write more about our trip . It was one of the best of my life . We 've already made reservations to go back in June 2007 . We are still in Florida . We are having a wonderful time . We don 't want to come home . We are getting lots of sun . We are swimming a lot . Will write more when we get home this weekend . I think we are done with all that needs to be done before we depart tomorrow morning . After work Laura and I took Sophie down to spend some time with Grandma and Grandpa . As you can see from this picture , she was not too happy about going . She kept looking out the window like , " where the hell am I going ? " Once we turned onto Laura 's parents street , she got all excited and started barking . She knew she was going to get lots of love , hugs and more importantly table scraps . The last few hours of work were horrible . I was so bored . Finally about 45 minutes before I was to leave I went to my boss and said , " can I please go ? " He looked at me and said , " yea , get out of here " . I hope everyone has a wonderful week . We won 't be back until late , late next Friday night . I will write as soon as I can when we return . And I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend . Posted by I am so excited that I can barely sit still . Yes , I am excited about our trip tomorrow , but there is something else making me so very excited . Last night Laura and I watched " All Aboard " . We fell in love with the cruise . It is truly a place where we can be ourselves ; affection and all . After the show was over Laura said , " let 's do it . Let 's go on the cruise in Feb . 07 " . I couldn 't believe my ears . I had to ask her a couple times to make sure she was ok with doing this . We went up and found the room we want . We decided on one with a balcony . I could barely sleep last night . The excitement of this trip added with the excited of the cruise with Rosie . No wonder I had a hard time sleeping . This morning I woke up and asked Laura one more time , " are you sure " . Again she said " yes " . So , this morning I got to work and called and made our reservations . OH MY GOD ! ! ! ! Growing up we traveled a lot . It always seemed that we would have our next vacation planned before leaving for the current trip . I will say , this will make coming home from Florida a little more easier . Knowing that the cruise is in our future . So , I have to say , in that aspect , my Mother taught me well . Tonight is the premiere of Rosie 's " All Aboard " on HBO . I have seen the previews for it and I can 't wait . It looks very touching and moving . I would LOVE to go on one of her cruises . Infact , Laura and I are looking at the cruise in Feb . 07 . Last night we started writing in our Travel Journal . We went to the internet and found pictures of the hurricane in Oct and the projected path it took . Those are the first two pages of our journal . Tonight will be filled with going to the bank to get our spending money , doing laundry and finishing up packing . If you have HBO , watch " All Aboard " . It looks wonderful . I am having such a hard time concentrating . Only 3 days left until we leave . Thankfully Thursday and Friday are going to be pretty busy at work and home so I won 't have that much time to sit and watch the clock slowly go by . I don 't have that much going on at work today , so it has been miserable waiting for the day to pass . Here are some pictures of where we will be staying . This is the view from our private deck . Notice how close it is to the ocean ? Also , see the grill . How fun will that be to grill out for dinner . Our cottage is the only one with a private deck that faces the ocean . If my estimates are correct . . . I believe it looks like maybe 25 steps to the water . Wow . . . Heaven . This is the room we will be staying in . We are excited because it has a fridge , stove / oven and microwave . We decided that we will eat breakfast there . Fresh fruit in the morning will be so good . I can 't wait to taste the oranges . The room isn 't huge , but with a view like this one . . who could ask for more ? Last night we had Lyn over to watch Brokeback Mountain . It was just as good the second time . I swear I love that movie . Really makes me thankful that we live in the time we do . I can 't imagine having to hide my love for Laura like they did in the movie . Back to watching the clock tick away . . . . Today was election day in Kansas City . It actually was kind of excitintg . There were only 3 things on my ballot . One was for school board and the other two have to do with our baseball and football stadiums . Kansas City is unique in the fact that our baseball ( Royals ) and football ( Chiefs ) stadiums are right next to each other . In their day they were beautiful and state of the art . That was 30 years ago . They really need some help in updating them and making them great stadiums again . The city has been fighting over how much money to spend on the repairs . I think they have been fighting over this for 10 + years . If they had done the repairs ten years ago it would have saved them millions . The other part of the vote was to have a rolling roof that would go over both stadiums . They are doing this in hopes of getting a SuperBowl or All - Star Game . Kansas City was promised the Superbowl in 2015 if this does pass . I hope it passes . If it doesn 't we have a chance of losing both teams . I can 't imagine Kansas City without the Royals or Chiefs . Most people don 't get that excited about voting , but I LOVE voting . Every time there is an election I make sure I go and vote . As a Jehovah 's Witness you are forbidden from voting . It goes along with the whole neutrality thing . ( I think JW 's are trying to be like Switzerland ) I think it 's funny how they want nothing to do with politics , but they love the benefits they reap from those pollitics . When a JW says they are neurtal , do not believe them . It is impossible not to have an opinion on some of the political things going on . You should have heard some of the things JW 's I knew were saying about Clinton . I kept thinking . . I thought they were suppose to be neurtal . Today is also a big day for the fact that " Brokeback Mountain " comes out on DVD . We have already bought our copy to watch tonight . I can 't wait to see it again . I think our theme this week is " All Gay . . All Week " . On Thursday we are going to be watching Rosie 's " All Aboard " on HBO . And then we are heading off to the gayest pPosted by Tonight we decided to go out to dinner . I think the " vacation " mind set has already set in for us . Why cook when someone else can do the cooking for us ? ? After dinner I told Laura that I wanted to stop at Barnes & Noble to pick up a book for the trip . Ever since graduate school , I have had a hard time getting back in the habit of reading for fun . I really want to read " Find Me " by Rosie O ' Donnell . We get to B & N and they don 't have my book . But they were nice enough to tell me they can order it and it will be here in a week . No thanks . So , what to read now ? I ended up buying the book " Honeymoon with my brother " . Heard it was really good . We 'll see . I realized one important thing tonight . I learned why we don 't go to B & N more often . By the time we left we ended up spending $ 81 . Important note : I need to stay out of book stores . They are very dangerous . We did however find a very cool travel journal . I guess that is the good side . I can 't believe it . . . . . 5 days . I knew it was coming . I knew I was going to loose an hour of my life early Sunday morning . I have actually known about it for the past several months . I found out when we turn the clocks forward because I wanted to know it was before / after / during our trip to Florida . So , it 's not like I wasn 't prepared . Yesterday wasn 't so bad . I did keep thinking , " it doesnt ' seem that late " . Plus , I had not changed the clock in my car so when I was running around I would think it was 1pm when it was actually 2pm . When I would get home I would think , " wow I was out for a while " . Last night at 11pm I was thinking , " I am not tired at all . " But I decided that it was time for me to head up to bed . I laid there and I laid there . Nothing was happening . I could hear Laura sleeping and I could hear the dog snoring . There is nothing worse then knowing you need to be getting to sleep and not being able to sleep . I eventually fell asleep because the next thing I knew it was 6am and Laura was awake . In my mind I knew she was running late because she is usually heading out the door by 6am . I have struggled all day with feelings of wanting to take a nap . I went home for lunch and laid down for 15 minutes . That only made me want to sleep more . It didn 't help that two cats and the dog were all on the bed with me . They all looked like , " geez , it feels like we lost an hour of sleep " . I would have given my right arm to be able to stay home and sleep . When I was a child and we would loose the hour in the spring I had a very simple way of getting through those first few days when I was so tired . I would just tell myself . . " if we hadn 't turned the clocks forward I would be getting out of school an hour later . " Somehow that made it a little easier . Yesterday was spent working in the yard , getting all our summer clothes washed and ready to be packed and cleaning up the house . So we decided we needed a night out on the town . Hey , we were going to loose an hour of sleep anyway , so why not go out and spend the evening on the town . We went out with our good friend Lyn . We had soooo much fun and dinner was wonderuful . ( Thanks again Lyn ) It was nice sitting down with Lyn and just laughing . Here 's Laura and I at dinner . Can you tell we are having the time of our life ? This was taken before we went out to dinner . I wanted to show everyone the new haircut . I think I have finally figured out how to style it to where I like it . You can 't really tell , but there are a bunch of layers . While we were at dinner I said , " hey ladies we could be really wild and go up to the boats ( casino ) " . Lyn wasn 't able to make it and Laura just looked at me . As we were walking out Laura said to me , " you wanna go to the boat ? " I wasn 't sure what to say . I was thinking maybe this was a trick question . I said , " yes " . It was about 9 : 30pm . But hey , we were going to be wild this Saturday night . We dropped Lyn off at home and headed up to see if we could win some $ $ $ . No such luck , but we had fun . One thing though . . I hate the boat on a Saturday night . It was so busy . I could barely find a free machine . And when I did I seemed to be next to the oddest people . This one lady started touching my machine . Now , I explained to Laura that when you are in the casino touching someone else 's machine is like touching their body . She was trying to show me how to get the machine to pay out . I watched her for about ten minutes and realized . . " this woman has a problem " . You should have seen her slamming the buttons down . At this same machine this one lady walked by when I won 40 credits . ( 25 cent machine ) She was like " wow " . I didn 't think it was that big of a deal . She sat down at the machine next to me and within five mintues won 920 credits . Damn her . I cashed out and went to find another machine . Now I could saPosted by I am proud to introduce our new garage door . I am so excited . ( don 't know why ) Here are some pictures from our busy day . Here is our old door . I was not sad to see it go . It was about 10 years past retirement . Here is our new door ! ! ! ! Isn 't she beautiful . And she is so quiet . I love it , love it ! ! ! It 's official . . . Summer is here ! ! As they were putting in the new door I mowed the lawn . Can you believe how green the grass is ? ? ? Here 's where you will find Laura between June - the end of August . It 's amazing how comfortable this hammock is . Last year about this time , we bought this and our table / chairs for our anniversay . We decided that if we can 't live at the beach we will bring the beach to us . Tomorrow ( weather permitting ) we will hang all our little yard signs . Some say , " beach this way " and another says " living on the porch " . We need to get out our Tiki torches . I think I like summer more then I thought . For lunch today we fired up the grill . Our neighbor came out and said , " I was in the basement and couldn 't figure out why my house smelled like lighter fluid . " Because we grill so much in the summer she realized WE were the reason her house smelled like a grill . There 's nothing better then something cooked out on the grill . All day today I have been playing it through my head what we will be doing in exactly one week . One week from right now we should be at our resort heading off to dinner . OH MY GOD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! It doesn 't seem possible . I remember thinking last fall when we were taking down all our summer stuff that it when we bring this stuff back out we would be heading for Florida . It seemed so far away . Now it 's simply 7 days . 172 hours . Wow . Today we got out all our summer clothes and washed them . I apologize to all of you that have had to put up with me talking about this trip for six months now . It will soon ( not too soon though ) be over and I will move to other things like : remodeling our bathroom . When I first started this blog it was because I felt lost in the world and didn 't know where I fit into the world . After taking several years off to get to know the real Caroline , I think I have finally found my place in the world . I hope you will tag along so I can share with you all the wonderful little things in my life . I now live at the top of the world ( literally ) and I love the view from here .

I am a man made out of ice . No , I 'm not your Jack Frost . I don 't leave glinting white fern trails on windows overnight . I just walk around in the dark , and I try not to touch anything . When the sun comes up I 'm face down on the grass . I can 't feel the wetness of the morning on the green blades as they pierce right through me . Exhaustion makes me grab at the ground to pull myself up , but I pull up no clods . There is currently no earth under my fingernails . I am transparent in the sun , the world walks right through me . I can barely see my own hands . During the day I find myself inside houses , trying to open doors . It takes a lot of concentration , but if I try I can open them . I know there are things inside but I can only vaguely see objects huddled on shelves , furniture in corners . Afterwards I always feel disappointed . I know shouldn 't touch anything , but I don 't know why . It 's just a feeling I have that it isn 't right for me to be touching them . Sometimes I can 't . I reach out for a door handle and find my whole arm is gone . In the back of my mind I can hear screams , as if I someone was in those rooms with me . I turn around thinking I must not be alone , but all I ever catch is the edge of a skirt , or the heel of a shoe , and a tap - tapping , frantic , down the stairs . I said I was a man made out of ice . This isn 't strictly true , but I make things cold . I know this because voices tell me . Cats sneeze when I come near them , and back away . I can see the breath of animals . I know that I carry my own cold with me everywhere . I don 't know if I feel cold , because I always feel the same . Exhausted . I don 't remember things like warmth and comfort . I can see a fire burning in a hearth and sometimes I 'll have a recollection of what it meant to be beside one . I can put my hands out now , towards the fire , and I see only a fog around my hands . Men of ice have no business being near fires . At night , I feel more substantial . I don 't know quite why . I think perhaps it has something to do with the way the darkness fills up the spaces where parts of me should be . I hold my hand up to the sky , and when I look through it , I can see stars sometimes . The moon makes me feel like I have an outline . Sometimes , I think I can see people . For a moment there will be a face on the street , lit up with a sudden panic . They vanish after that , and the street is empty again . " Do you ever wonder why the trees , and the animals and everything here looks real , but you never see any people ? " He asked me . I shrugged . It had been so long since I had seen anyone like me that I had forgotten about talking . I thought perhaps the conversation was over . I thought about leaving , but part of me wanted to try to talk to the man . It had been so long , but I was sure that I used to talk to people , and feel warmth , and eat and laugh and do all those sorts of things . " There 's just the cold now , isn 't there . It eats right through you . You just feel like an icicle , walking around , spreading the fog , and the chill - " " Yeah course . " He said . " Course I do , everyone like us does . Once you get to this stage , it 's hard to thaw . You want to , but when people come near you and feel the cold they scarper . You can 't get enough warmth from them to put out all that ice inside . Can 't even hold yourself together . You fall away in bits . That 's what happens if you don 't thaw . " I mused over what he had said . I told him about about how my hands fogged up when I went near a hearth . " I 've come to the conclusion now that it isn 't worth your while trying . Men of ice have no business being near fires , " he said . I last saw him a few months ago . He was in a state because a girl had started coming to the graveyard at night . There are no fences around it , only the road which winds round a little stone wall . Foxes dart about between the trees , up and over the wall , and into the traffic , They give night drivers quite a scare . I see the cars , but not the drivers . He was agitated because the girl was coming regularly , and it made him feel uncomfortable . He worried she would know he was there , and it would get awkward . He was older than me I think , but I don 't know . He just seemed like someone old . Thinking about that made me wonder if I was old , because I couldn 't remember . But he definitely seemed older than me . I thought it was funny that he was so worked up about the girl , but I sort of knew what he meant . I didn 't like having to see people either , or being seen . I saw her in the graveyard , she was vague at first , but the more I saw her , the more she became quite real . He had said she was a girl , but I thought she was more of a lady . I think the old man called her a girl because he was old . I like now to measure myself somewhere in between the old man and the lady , in terms of age . It makes me feel more substantial . I like knowing that something about me can be measured . She reads books on the benches , or on the grass at the edges of the graveyard where a little light from the street lamps floods in . The foxes don 't know what to do about her either . She tries to talk to them but they panic and run . She saw me one night , and looked at me for a while , her eyes grew very wide , but I think she could tell that I didn 't like it , and so she went back to reading her book . I could see that her hands were shaking though , and I felt bad , so I left . I keep coming back to the graveyard . Sometimes I sit on the bench and watch her read . she talks to me now and I think I reply but I can 't hear my own voice most of the time . Sometimes the words come out though , and it makes her smile . The next night she brought me a candle . She showed me how to hold it . " The trick is not to let go , " she said . Somewhere beneath the wisps of fog I thought I could see a pair of hands . We live in West , in the realm of ice , Banneran and I , and the wolf - dog woman Orkoosh . I have no memory of being born , unlike them . I used to think I was their child but Banneran said , no , I had come to them from across one of the ice plains to the East . One of the old women had put me on a sled and sent me cascading across the plain wrapped in coats of pelts . He said the sled bounded and danced - Orkoosh saw it coming as she was out hunting and came running to him saying , look , a wonder ! There is a child in the sled Banne ! Orkoosh had said that it was because she remembers . I don 't understand it but that was all she said about it . Except that the East was a land basked in Sunshine , where we had only the Moon . Sunshine was a different kind of light , she said , which was much brighter than ours , but that , as we had the beautiful stars and the emerald light , we had nothing to complain about . I mentioned to you just now about not remembering being born . Apparently that 's a gift that the people of the West have , they remember being born just as the people of the East remember dying . I have lived a long time now in the snow of the West and I don 't remember being born and I don 't remember dying . This has led Orkoosh to wonder if I am from the East at all . What memories do you have ? She asks me all the time . I answer her , only of you and Banneran . Then she laughs as if it has all been a joke , and pats my head and will say , of course . She then motions to the sled I was brought on . Go and play , she says . In an instant she will turn from me and slink gracefully into her wolf - dog form and I will harness her to the sled and we will race about the snow plains under the purple - black sky covered with emerald lights - the lights that come from some other place , and know us , and watch over us as we play . Sometimes when we stop for breath I will ask Orkoosh to turn back into a woman and ask her questions . I ask her how long I have been with them , and she will say , don 't you remember ? You have been here for one hundred and eleven years . I will question her , how does she know this ? and she will say it 's because all shape - shifters know the passage of days . When you talk of the old woman , what do you mean ? I say to her , and she replies Old age is something that happens elsewhere , and I say to her , what happens elsewhere ? She will shake her head as if she thinks I 'm silly , and then off she goes again - ZIP ! - slinking back into a wolf and we fly across the ice back to the hut , and to Banneran who loves us . Then Orkoosh will change and they will always greet each other as if they been apart for a long time , and don 't quite know each other . He will ask her if she would like to sit down , for example , and then we will all eat . After dinner , Orkoosh and Banneran will seem to remember that they know each other , and will sit in the warmth of the hut and comb each other 's hair . This will take a long time because Orkoosh 's long , unruly locks will have gathered many tangles from the ice wind . Banneran will nod over to me and say , well , where is your comb young man ? Then I will put my hand in my pocket and there it is , the comb made of wood inlaid with mother - of - pearl . Orkoosh says that the old woman gave it to me . I begin to comb my hair too , because Orkoosh says fondly that the old woman would want me to look my best . It is tradition that Orkoosh tells him stories each time that we return . I don 't know where she gets them from , they are always fantastical . My stories are about little fish that I see , glinting in the ice pools , or bears in the distance , or the moon rising . Orkoosh , however , always has stories about princes and magicians and priestesses and treasure and great ships that roam the sky , flying along on the vapours left by the burning emerald lights . Banneran responds to Orkoosh 's stories . He says playfully , no no Koos , you have told that one before I think , even when she hasn 't . Or , akakaka , ( he clicks his tongue ) Koos I don 't like this story , the prince is too arrogant , the priestess would never grant him an entire kingdom for rescuing just one golden key . Be serious ! When I ask Banneran how long he has loved Orkoosh he smiles and says he doesn 't know . When I ask Orkoosh she laughs and says , almost forever , and that she knows this because she remembers being born . Then , after the stories are told , they say goodnight to me , and I creep through the pelt curtain on the East - hand side of the hut and am in my own den . Banneran has lit a fire in there for me with his magic , and from my bed I look up to the space in the roof where one brick is made of glass , because I asked Banneran to put it there . I asked him to make a glass brick , so that I could see out and watch the emerald lights fade , and the clouds race across the stars . The fire crackles with blue and lilac flames , Banneran 's magic will keep it burning while I sleep . Sometimes I wonder , as I look up through the glass brick to the sky , what we are , and why we live apart from others . I wonder how Orkoosh came to be a wolf - dog woman , or how Banneran came to have magic . Or who I am , and why I will never grow old , or remember being born , or remember dying . Orkoosh smiles at Banneran , rolling her eyes , when I ask her these questions , and says only Because we are in paradise . When I ask her what that means , Banneran answers . He says that sometimes the people in the East have dreams they don 't wake up from , and that we live in one of those dreams . That somewhere , a boy exactly like me grew up , lived his life , and then died , and in that final dream he imagined that he was a little boy again , and that his grandmother wrapped him in pelts and sent him across the ice on a sled to the West , where the people remember being born . When I say I don 't understand , Orkoosh answers , you said you only remember me and Banneran , is that true ? I nod . Then you are from the East after all . She says , and smiles . I crawl to my den and sleep , and when I wake , I wonder why it is that I never remember my dreams . " Yes , if you would like to be tested , there are dedicated clinics being set up all around the country - check the web for more details and your nearest clinic . " Her hair was blonde and cupped her posh face so neatly . But it looked like a haystack when she sat beside the faerie King . All beauty paled beside his like butter melting . I noticed also , that on the website it listed the traits that suggested Fae characteristics . I felt a bit deflated because I didn 't think I fit a lot of them . The main ones I had though - the sharp face , the light eyes , thick hair , nimble . But I was so much smaller than the average Fae height , and my hair was very dark and coarse . I had no freckles , but I suppose I do have a sort of sing - song voice . I wanted to ask my mother if she thought so , but she was at work , and would probably have said it was a silly question anyway . When I got to the clinic I was very hot and bothered . All the other people in the queue looked so hopelessly cool . They were lounging with their long legs and long arms and perfect faerie hair , and I felt really quite out of place , so I kept my head down and tried to fill in the form they gave me as neatly as I good , in my best hand writing . When my turn came I stuck my arm out and they took the blood . I didn 't say anything , I just watched as the blood oozed out , viscous and ruby coloured , into the tube . I had to stifle some disappointment that it was not a more exotic colour , but then I had no idea what faerie blood looked like either . The nurse smiled at me , I think she noticed that I was different and maybe either felt sorry for me , or liked me because of it . She said , Right enough , when I came out I saw some young people all leaning against the wall comforting each other , holding their arms as if they had been mortally wounded . I walked past them and was completely ignored . I had in my hands some brochures the nurse had given me , about what to do if I found out I was Fae . I honestly didn 't expect to find out anything , I only went because , well , it was that man , Lord Learheart , he had looked right at me . I remember how I held it for a while just staring at the words on the page . They said there was a hotline I should call . I frantically began searching my room for those brochures they had given me but I think I used them as bookmarks . I just love reading , but I always loose the markers because they tend to fall out , and so I usually end up using tissues . I called the number and the woman on the phone was very excited . She said they wanted to see me straight away . Did I realise I was 91 percent Fae ? 91 percent ! Imagine ! That 's what she said to me on the phone , she sounded totally hysterical . I hung up after agreeing to come visit them at the HQ . I suppose I was very excited . I had never been to London . When I arrived I was wearing my new outfit that mum had bought me . She said I didn 't own any clothes fit for meeting Fae royalty . I said I didn 't think I would , I would probably only be talking to some sort of representative or other , but mum was adamant . I think she was desperate for me to meet Lord Learheart , because she had been dead set against the faerie stuff until I showed her the clip of Lord Learheart on Youtube , and then she just went all girly and suddenly thought it was a wonderful idea . She went off to get tested herself , but she had a lower score than me , and so wasn 't invited to London . I think it had been my dad who had most of the Fae blood in him . But my mum did have some too , which apparently is very rare , to have it in both parents I mean . As I said , when I got there , they made quite a bit of a fuss of me . They gave me yet more clothes - very rustic - and all this silver jewellery ( I 'm allergic to iron and all that cheap stuff ) . They were tall , but not as tall as I would have expected , still not like me though , except the face , and maybe the eyes . They cooed over me and took me to dinner in this fancy hotel . We were having a great time , laughing and drinking and the lights from the chandeliers were so bright , and I had just started to relax when a man started asking me all these strange questions . He wasn 't a Fae I don 't think . One of the faeries came rushing over when he saw us talking and dragged me away . The man had been a reporter . The faerie said the word as if it made him feel sick . I was taken to my room after that , and then I fell asleep in my second pair of new clothes because I was exhausted and my feet hurt . They told me that Lord Learheart had issued a decree . The Fae Kingdom was at war with the Coalition government of the England . Apparently the Prime Minister had met with Lord Learheart , but that they had had quite a major falling out , as the PM did not agree with Learheart 's religion . " Oh it 's because of our adherence to Pagan Polytheism . You 'd think he had practically ingested The Golden Bough , ridiculous , antiquarian , outdated , the man is a cretin . He has no culture at all to speak about . " I was enlisted into the army that afternoon . They gave me a beautiful uniform , gilded with silver and turquoise . They gave me a sword too ( it was wonderful looking with a fancy jewelled hilt , but it was a bit heavy really ) , a shield , a dagger and a bow . No one told me how to use them though , and mostly the only army work I was expected to do was to patrol my local shopping centre , and the Friday fish market . They wanted me as a Regional Representative in case any Fae were put in danger . No one told me what to do if something bad happened to one of us , they just told me to : " Fight ! Spare no human mercy who defies the Fae ! Honour your Lord Learheart , do him proud above all things . For an attack against even one faerie is an assault upon his majesty . " As much as I liked being in the Fae army , sometimes I missed being like the others , other human friends I had grown up with . I mean , I had always been strange and different , and at first it was nice to know why , but then it only seemed to make the loneliness more strong . You see , I was not a proper human anymore ( not that I ever had been ) but I was also not really like the other Fae , not really . My regular humans friends stopped hanging around at the supermarket to wait for me after everything closed down for the night . I don 't think they meant it in a bad way . They just knew that I couldn 't be one of them anymore . But it was alright . Sometimes I would go off into the fields and sleep under the trees , waiting for the stars to come out . At first I did it because I thought that 's what Fae did , and anyway I quite enjoyed it . I had been given an absolute mountain of faerie gold by the Fae council , because I was so unique . I had no idea what to spend that on , so I went and bought a nice place beside the Fae embassy which overlooks the River Thames . It has a balcony and I like to keep little trees in pots on there because I miss the countryside so much . Lord Learheart had the most amazing house . It was more like a palace . It was out in the countryside a little way , so as you would never know that you were anywhere near the motorway . It had gorgeous fountains and hedges in the shapes of animals and birds and in the grounds were real peacocks ! I wasn 't allowed to take photos they said , but that was ok because mum would only be disgusted with jealousy . That 's what she said when I told her all about it . He was so handsome , and he moved everywhere as if he weighed nothing at all . Just like Tolkien 's elves . I always loved reading about Middle Earth , really it was like a dream come true . Only I wish he lived somewhere like Rivendell . The palace was amazing , but it was just a big stately home really now that I think about it . Sad really , they sold it to an investment banker a few months ago . He wasn 't even a Fae , but I had no control over that due to some legal loophole in the will . I had never had that reaction before . Usually the Fae looked at me down their noses a bit . But Lord Learheart didn 't , even if they did say he was a bit up himself . " Oh but you are beautiful " he had said . The way he said it almost made me believe it . That was the magic that he did have , even if he didn 't have the other sort of magic . " I think there might still be magic in the Fae blood , you should look into it . You , more than anyone might wield it against the Coalition . There is an old man I know , who says he 's descended from Merlin , I … " I like to think he went to that place that all Fae go to . I think it might be some sort of woodland . I imagine it as filled with trees , hanging with stars like Christmas lights . Just like in my old student flat , where we hung the lights over the furniture even when it wasn 't Christmas . I stopped the war with England even though I knew he would have been cross with me . But it was the best thing . I set up a political party instead and we have been gaining so much support , especially on Facebook and Twitter . I really hope everyone comes out and votes . I 'm not as enigmatic as Lord Learheart was , but I took his name . He told me I could . I 'm going to see that man he told me about . The one who was descended from Merlin . His address is in Glastonbury so I guess he must be legit . I raised my head from the desk , feeling half drunk as the walls of the class room seemed suddenly to loom in close . Mr Thomsen was smiling , and as he smiled his eyes crinkled up at the corners like potato chips . I found him the least offensive of my teachers , because he never bothered me , because he let me sleep if I wanted to . " Anyway , I disgress , in this class we are supposed to stargaze , not naval - gaze . " He smiled again at his little joke , and the girl with the rose - coloured hair in the front row laughed and her long plaits thudded softly against the side of her desk . It was a small class today , snow lined the windows , and half the school was probably lying in bed sick , getting nursed and spoiled and brought little bowls of home - made soup . I rubbed my eyes , and wished then that I had been listening . After class I waited behind . The others streamed past me as if chasing the sound of the bell into the corridor and out and away , home . Mr Thomsen seemed not to notice me at first . He had busied himself with his desk , stuffing papers into folders , finding homes for orphaned pens . I coughed , and he looked up at me in surprise . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't see you there . " He said , smiling again . He was always smiling . I wondered what his secret was . " Yes go on . " Mr Thomsen sat on the edge of his desk and folded his arms . He inclined his head to me then , as if he thought I was about to say something of interest to him , or importance . It reminded me why I had decided to stay behind , because he wasn 't like the others . Most of the other teachers had this habit of looking at you like you were out of your mind if you spoke out , like nothing you said could mean anything . " You 're Adam aren 't you ? " He said , and I nodded . I knew then , that he wanted me to know that he knew about me , if that even makes sense . The classroom was cold now with all the bodies gone . It was just us and the silence was the loudest thing in the room . " What I was saying Adam may sound foolish , but it 's true . Do you see this ? " He pointed to the image on the projector . " Do you know what this is ? " " Adam . " He rubbed this bridge of his nose and looked momentarily weary . " How shall I put this … " There was that silence again that swallowed us up . " I know ! But hear me out . What if I told you that the universe is a mother ? That she is always pregnant , always giving birth to stars , formed in these amazing nursuries up there in space ? Now you might say ' what the heck does that have to do with me ? ' but listen to me . The atoms that make up your body , all those particles that whizz around inside of you , and make you you , your DNA , all that was made using the same elements we find in star matter . I mean look at this guy , he doesn 't look anything like you ok , but he could be like your stellar ancestor ! " I snorted and shook my head at him , but he knew I was thinking about it . " Here , now just wait a minute . " He said , and jumping off the desk he began foraging in its drawers for something . I waited , and while I waited I stared and stared at that picture , at the golden light of that star in amongst all that stuff . " There now . " Mr Thomsen thrust a book at me . I looked down at it . The cover showed the blackness of space , and in the midst of it , a giant rainbow coloured cloud . When I got back to the house , everything was a mess . Anna , the girl who they had taken in just after me was crying and Mrs Wilson was trying to get her to pick up her toys but she just kept howling like a kicked dog . Neither of them noticed me as I slipped up stairs . That night I lay awake and stared at the ceiling , like I always do . Mr Wilson had fallen asleep in front of the TV again and he 's deaf , so Ricki Lake was turned up so loud I could hear most of what the guests were saying . It was all nonsense to me , just old repeats , they seemed to go on , and on , and on , forever . I crawled out of my bed , and turned on the night light that was still covered in some kid 's old Disney stickers . I reached over to my satchel , pulling out the book Mr Thomsen had given me and thumbed through some of the pages . The pictures were beautiful . I loved the colours and the total darkness around them , how vibrant everything was . Most of all I liked the total absence of people in that book . It was all about science , and every image was like nothing you would ever see on Earth . I soon got tired flicking through it though , my eyes were heavy . I went over to the window , pulled back the curtain and wiped the glass . Outside in the street , snow was gathering on the pavements . The streetlamp outside the house was dead , but I could just about make out that blanket of whiteness glowing in the dark . When my parents died , a lot of people tried to tell me that they were in heaven watching over me . I wanted to believe them but then my parents didn 't believe in God . My last foster mother had scolded at me when I said this , she had said that maybe He had punished them because they didn 't believe , and that was why they were dead . Now , I thought about what Mr Thomsen had said and something started to form in my mind . What if heaven wasn 't about angels ? What if heaven means being a part of the hearts of stars ? The Earth is going to get swallowed up one day , I remember Mr Thomsen saying that . He said that our sun will gobble up the solar system , and then all of what we were , will really become part of the universe again . What if heaven is about being a part of everything ? I must have stared at those stars for a long time because suddenly I realised that my feet were frozen , and my hands were like ice from where the pressed against the glass . I went back to bed and as I got in , I found I couldn 't hear the TV set anymore . I wanted to sleep , I was so tired out , but a part of me just wanted to read that book , wanted to try to read it . As I closed my eyes I said goodnight , I said the words out loud to no one . But I felt the stars all around me . I could see them in my minds eye , burning , constant . I smiled then , into the darkness . Posted on September 13 , 2013 by Tales of Fiction Another of my short stories written for a weekly fiction competition . The photo below , was our only writing prompt . To read the other entries check out Flash ! Friday . Want to know more about this story ? Check out my post on Fifty Tales of Fiction . He hadn 't thought much about it . The only thing interesting about that old computer was the screensaver . He would sit and wait for it to flick on . He always had a system ; he would look at the ground first , then follow it up to where the grass met the foundations of the houses . Then he would allow himself to see the figures . In his head they had names , one was simply ' the woman , ' but the other shape reminded him of a carving on a totem pole , so he called it ' the Thunderbird . ' It was this figure who intrigued him the most . Once Milo saw the Thunderbird , he would have to look up , and see the storm coming . Since moving away , Milo had made no friends . His father could not visit them anymore because of the restraining order , but sometimes the Spanish kid would come around . Milo would find him sitting on his little bicycle in their front yard . They stopped looking for Milo 's body on the seventh day of the search . They said he was probably just another run away . The computer stayed on all that week , until finally Milo 's mother had pulled the plug straight out of the wall .

Dad : Well , it was adventuresome , for one thing . Some parts of it were traumatic . There were very difficult years , the Depression years , storms , such as tornados , and also there were epidemics that were taking lives , like spinal meningitis - we were scared of that - some of our acquaintances were dying of it . So that was one side of it . The good side outweighed it . And , of course , that is life : there is always trauma . [ Three of his siblings died shortly after birth . ] One , the last one , died when he was a senior in high school . The other two , I remember they had a home funeral service for one of them , I don 't know which one . They were between Bob and I . One of them I do remember we had a little funeral service right at home . I remember sitting on a chest there while they had the service . But I don 't remember which one it was for . Dad : Yeah , I don 't know how that came about , but it was my job to carry the body of the last infant into the funeral home . And I don 't remember much about it . Everyone else remembers it better than I do . I suppose maybe I shut it out . Dad : Yeah . Grandma Randolph liked to talk about how she could outperform the fellows on the farm , but I suppose it is my boast , if you want to make it that , the folks gave me the jobs that were kind of hard , that took determination . That was one of them . I remember that Dad would give me jobs to do that one of my other brothers would not do , so they would give me jobs that took the patience and he would work in the field . One time he had a disk , a field disk , one that the horses drew , he thought the blades were so dull that I should sharpen them . So he got a big file and he gave me the job of sharpening all the disks on that whole machine . Again , I didn 't think much of it : it was a job that had given me to do . Dad : Uncle Bob would tell you that I was a stubborn kid . He said that just recently , " You were stubborn . " And I was . I would get so mad I would fly off the handle . My mother would say , " Edgar , you just can 't live like that . " And I can remember that over , and over and over . And I tell other people , " You just need to straighten up and fly right . You just can 't live like that . " Dad : I had to . I had to . I was spoiling for a fight right up through my high school years , and I tangled once or twice with someone that was a little more capable than me that calmed me down a little bit . . . . I was a little bit of a show - off at times , a little kind of smirk . The teacher didn 't always appreciate me . Mom : I remember times when I had to be kept at a job . I always figured maybe that was how I learned to stick with jobs that were difficult because I got punishment for not doing it . [ When punished , ] you would have to go get a switch , you would have to go down by the creek where the willows were keen , and if you didn 't bring a keen enough willow , you had to go back to get another one . Dad : Of course , Dad was never well . He started yout with tuberculosis earlier , and it ended up with lung problems and heart trouble . He was never well , so I think that contributed to the fact that he had a little bit of a short fuse , and he would kind of fly off . . . Uncle Bob is like him . Dad was a good man . I - you just knew that he was never a pretender - he was just a good man - very determined , and the thing I really considered remarkable was the state of health he had , the way he held on in those Depression years , other farmers were going broke , going onto welfare , WPA where they could do certain work and they would pay them , well dad had a good size family . He just hung on and carried on , and he could always find a way to do things . If he needed roofing and didn 't have money for it , he would hear about a building down in Atchison with the flat roofing , they were tearing the metal off , well I don 't know what he paid , maybe nothing for it , well he hauled that back and covered the hay shed with it . During the dust storm years , when the farmers in Western Kansas and Colorado couldn 't afford to feed their livestock , he would buy it pretty cheap , force feed it and get it on the market , and that helped . But he was resourceful . If he hadn 't been he wouldn 't have been able to get through . Mom : Oh , making snow ice cream . [ Laughter ] I don 't know where that came from , but I just happened to think of that . If we had a big snow that was maybe six inches , at least , we would skim the top off , and then you would have nice , clean snow . And of course , you did this when you were stuck in the house . Mom would go out and she would bring in a dish pan full of that nice snow , and she would add sugar and heavy cream and vanilla and beat , beat , beat . It made " snow ice cream , " we called it . We thought that tasted heavenly . Mom : Well , he had a whole bottle of Evening in Paris one time . And , of course , the college girls , they were just " goo goo " over him . If he came into the store and the college girls were there , they were all over him . I observed that before I really knew who he was . Mom : Yeah . Probably was embarrassed . Anyway , when I first spoke to him , he came into the department store where I worked . To the left of the front door was an old fashioned candy counter , because we sold all our candy in bulk . . . . Daddy came in . We had been taught to say to any customer who came into the department store , " May I help you , please . " So he came in . I was the only clerk close to the front , so I said , " May I help you , please . " I had just been hired by this store and gone through the training . Summers Department Store . And it was Christmas " rush , " and I had been hired because of the extra help they needed at Christmas time . So , I was behind the candy counter and I said , " May I help you , please . " And he looked around , and he said , " Well , I would buy that box of chocolates , but I don 't have anybody , I wouldn 't know who to give them to . So , I said , " Well , you could always give them to me . " And as soon as I said it , I thought , " Good night a - livin ! What have you said ? And he grinned . . . Mom : And he grinned and went on a - doin ' whatever he came into the store for . He came back and he said , " I 've been thinking about it , and I think I will buy that box . " And they were chocolate covered caramels . And he said , " Please wrap them to mail . " And , you know it was Christmas time , and I knew he was a college kid because I had observed him with these college girls , . . . so , I wrapped them to mail . Then . . . I lived with my aunt through the week in Salem near the store so I could walk - Aunt Liddy - and Mom and Dad got me Friday night and brought me back at sundown - because these people were Seventh Day Church of God and they opened their store back up at sundown Sabbath night , so I had to be back sundown Sabbath night and I worked all day Sunday - and we closed sundown Friday night , so they would pick me up . And I got home and I had a box of candy in the mail that had come during the week . So , I said , " I 'm not opening that , " because I knew where it had come from . Well , I finally opened it , and I am sure I ate some of it , but my brothers and sisters cleaned it up in a hurry . And some day - this was weeks later - Grandpa knew I was upset . Of course , I didn 't tell him that I said he could always buy it for me . So Grandpa said , " Did you thank that fellow for that candy ? " And I said , " Of course not . " And he said , " You know that really isn 't very courteous and nice . " So he made me sit down and write a letter of thanks . This was February , any way . Now you know I got that before Christmas . Now you know what comes in February . And pretty soon I got another box in the mail . I thought , " Boy , I 'm not waiting until Easter time . " So , I thanked him for that box . I kept him encouraged . The next time I saw him , it was sometime in the spring . I stayed at my aunt 's . They lived on the other side of the railroad track , and there was a filling station there . I waited at that filling station for one of the teachers to pick me up to go to school , because I lived with my aunt and uncle . They kept me on at the store . I got $ 15 a week working at that store and I worked evenings until they closed through the week and then on the weekend . That helped Grandpa and Grandma . That was in 1942 . You could buy a lot of groceries for $ 15 in those days , and I would take groceries home with me . I was standing at that filling station , and who should drive in , but Daddy . I had my first brand new coat on , and that was my first clue , conscious clue , that I really did like him . And I thought , oh , good , at least I have this new coat on . He got his gas and he did speak to me . Of course , I was very careful , because I was afraid he was going to ask to take me to school . I said I was waiting for Mr . Seeger . . . . That year I was a sophomore . . . . Dad : The gunny sack business I didn 't like that . I thought we 're going to do this in style . So , we dated . We got permission from her parents . Dad : Her dad was quite put out . . . . He made the comment , that 's the end of college . As it turned out he was right . As I look back , I can look at things two ways . I could say I robbed her of a lot of her youth - I really did rob her of the opportunities in college , and I 'd say , being the resourceful person she is , she was able to make something good out of it . I could really make it sound something romantic of myself , but I really was a stupid smartie . I was a farm guy in college and I was carried away with her , and I thought I was really great stuff . Well , [ turning to Mom ] is that what you would say ? [ Laughter ] I wouldn 't go out on the street and stuff - and say , " Look at me . . . . " Dad : I remember driving alone and we were going to talk to her folks about getting married . And we did and they put up some resistance . And one of the things her dad said , . . . Dad : He said , " Do you have the income you could support a wife ? " Times were different then , and I said , " Well , I 'm earning a $ 100 a week . " And that satisfied him . Mom : Do you know what my father earned ? $ 125 a month . So he had no more questions after [ Grandpa ] told him what he earned as a linotype operator . Dad : You know , it sounds glamorous , but to tell you the truth , I was a country boy , I fell in love , which people have a habit of doing , and . . . a very lovely girl . And she was the best thing I thought I ever ran across , which is true . And that led to marriage . So we can glamorize it . I was just one of the common herd . Mom : If you are going to get married , you 're going to get married . So , once we decided , why . . . We got engaged in June , and married the 10th of August . We were married the 10th of August because my father could never remember anybody 's birthday , not one of the seven of us kids , and he never remembered our birthdays , but he never forgot Mom 's birthday . So the 10th of August was Mom 's birthday , so that is when we got married . On our first wedding anniversary , Daddy always wrote the letters . Momma didn 't have time in the summer . And so , some time in July , Dad wrote , " Don 't forget . The 10th of August is Mom 's birthday . And I thought , " Yes , Dad , and it 's our Anniversary . We got married so you will remember our anniversary , and you don 't remember it . " We were married outside , where we had our church camp - Middle Island , West Virginia , which was in the country . We had an outdoor wedding , which was in Nature , so you didn 't have any decorating to do , and we had it where we had our vesper knoll . At camp we always had our vespers right where you sun , you could see the sun go down . So we planned the wedding right as we watched the sun going down . It was symbolic of the end of our single years and the beginning of our married . . . Marion Van Horn came from Lost Creek . He got caught behind the train . We thought the sun was going to go down before he got there . And Uncle Louis and Aunt Mae stood up with us . It was a beautiful wedding . There were probably fifteen people at our wedding . Mom and Dad did the reception at home . There were a lot of people at the reception . We had cake and homemade ice cream . And that was the reception . Dad : She was a very gentle , loving woman . I remember being sick and how she would care for me . And one thing I remember that we kids didn 't like , if we had a bad cold in the chest , " take turpentine and lard , " [ laughter ] and I remember my mother , of course she always worked so hard , and her hands were rough , but you didn 't mind . It was a loving act . She would rub that into your chest real good , and it would do the job . But she was a very lovely woman ; she was typical offspring of Mennonites , old fashioned Mennonites , very high principles . Her maiden name was Lugibihl . They were of German blood , but they came from Switzerland . When relatives came from Ohio , they talked German . She was very modest . She didn 't like us boys running around without a shirt . She didn 't want us to neglect shaving . I at one time made up my mind I 'm going to see what it 's like to go a week without shaving . Finally , she said , " You look awful . " [ Laughter ] That 's an interesting thing , uh , those German ancesters , they didn 't quite know how to handle the language , like my Grandmother Lugibihl talking about one of my uncles marrying , and he married a big woman , and Grandma said , " Raymond , he married a big fat woman . " [ Laughter ] It wasn 't very flattering , but it was their way of saying it . She didn 't want any slang - like language . I know that at one time brother Bob and I got into a fight , and I was so mad that after she separated us , I said , " The darned little fool ! " [ Motion of a slap , and laughter ] That was the only time I remember my mom using any force on me . Dad made up for it , [ laughter ] but he was reasonable , but when he punished you were punished . Dad : Well , you know , when he or my uncle , either one , was mad , you could get the idea that man did descend from ape . [ Laughter , motion of an ape stomping . ] He just had a certain walk . But , back to Grandma , I was very proud of her . I loved her dearly . She - one time in school - we had a school teacher who was really a wonderful teacher , who had a program , and there was a spelling contest , and my mother out - spelled the teacher . I was really proud of that . One time , my mother was short , and a little on the plump side , and a couple of young squirts came boy and hollered out , " Hi , little woman ! " I was so mad , I 'd like to have got my hands on them . She was a great woman . Mom : I think one of the things that has helped us the most is that we liked each other . Period . Not the physical appearance , not that we didn 't like that , but we liked what the other person was . He had a garden , a HUGE garden , and I don 't think we ever had a bigger garden when we had all the kids at home , while he was in college , and he , you 'd see him , I 'd see him , if I happened to be where I 'd see who was on the sidewalk , walking by the store carrying - he had radishes in season , in a package with a string tied around the bunch , going to the grocery store beyond our department store , and he would sell all his fresh produce , packaged , and that was her income in college , and so we - most of our dating was either him walking me home from the store and saying goodnight on the porch - it had a porch swing , that is why we like porch swings , . . . Mom : No , we sat in the porch swing for a while . That summer before we were married , we didn 't sell that much produce . We canned it . Shelled peas , canned peas . We were married in August and we had our food for the winter . So , we did things together , and that was certainly helpful , so if you like your spouse , so number one , be sure it is someone you are sexually attracted to , only ; you like them , you play games with them so you know they are not [ flarers ? ] . And some times he had studies and I had studies and sometimes we would get together and we would be sitting at our own desks studying , but we were where we saw each other . Dad : I 'd say mainly I wanted a girl who had character , . . . and then I met her . I realized very shortly that it was more than a matter of infatuation seeing her , but that she was of higher character , and I realized she was so much more mature than so many of the college girls who were kind of flippant . I didn 't realize how young she was , but she did have the air of maturity that came a lot by experience . It was only later that I realized how young she was . Mom : That last summer I graduated from high school , I got an apartment , and I think I graduated from high school with four girls whose husbands were in the service . We lost a lot of our high school senior class because as they got old enough they had to leave , and they graduated them anyway , but they were in absence . We had one girl who should have been two classes ahead of me , but once they were married , they weren 't allowing them in school with the other kids , and she had to drop out in her senior year when she got married before her husband left , and her brother was in my class , so she came back to graduate with us . So we had several that were married . One of the girls was married to a Navy boy , and many of you have been in her home and eaten with her when Grandma or Grandpa , one or the other , died - Freda - and she and I got an apartment together because we both worked at the department store and we were within walking distance of the department store . So , when Dad and I were married , her husband was still in the Navy , of course , and so she moved out . I think she must have gone back home . She had gotten her drivers license and so she drove from home . So Dad and I already had a home ; that was our apartment . Before we were married , her husband came for a leave and so I went back home and let them have the apartment for a week . Her husband mentioned that not long ago before he died . . . how he appreciated my leaving and just letting them have the apartment while he was on leave from the service . So , we had that apartment and that 's where we lived . . . . Mom : Disrespect , dishonesty and disobedience . Willful disobedience . You would be surprised how many things go into those three categories if you stop and think about it . . . . And obedience carries right over to laws of the land , laws of your employer . If you learn obedience , these other things follow . Dad : Well , I am an idealist and it can be a real problem . . . . and a sentimentalist . One of my friends said I was nothing but a sentimental slob . He might not have been too far wrong - I never quite got over that , but I soon realized that I had in a sense married someone who was superior to me intellectually . . . . And while I wanted to be a person of honesty , integrity and so on , I realized there [ were ] areas where she definitely was far ahead of me in seeing through things . Rob : One of the things I noticed growing up is that I never heard you argue . But I also witnessed , visiting your home , Mom asserting herself , you seem to disagree but you handle it in a different way than " get off my back . " How about that relationship . Mom : . . . No , but he never used those words , like , " let me drive . " And that was only come about in the last year . [ Laughter ] Dad : . . . And she said , " Well , you were coming up on it awful fast . " [ Laughter ] And I remembered Grandpa Randolph . . . [ more laughter ] Anyhow , . . . Mom : And we started the morning with our own , individual devotion , at breakfast time you will remember , there were devotions at breakfast , . . . so I don 't think anything got escalated just because - something about listening to each others prayers , knowing the sincerity of heart , you get to know the intent of the will of that person , and you don 't see these little things the way you would if you didn 't know the other person . Now I am so afraid that he doesn 't see something after he says , " I missed that car . I didn 't see that car at all , " Richard : Mom , he means he saw it but he didn 't hit it . " I missed that car . " [ Laughter ] " I missed another one ! " Mom : Part of it was probably the way I grew up and the fact that I had taken care of a lot of kids before I got married . But . . . we got Child Life from Southern Baptist every month . This one mother zeroed in on these three things . We were in Salemville at the time , and I thought , " You know , I should reevaluate why I punish and see if I am doing that . And , low and behold , that was what I was doing . So , I never consciously developed it , but after I read that article and I saw it consciously put in categories , then I could see , that 's right , these are the only things that are really , really important because that helps you relate to other people , and all through life we have to relate to others . So , that is when I really had it categorized . Dad : I don 't think I was ever as organized as Mom . Really . I grew up in a different atmosphere . Hard work on the farm . The example of consistency and honesty . But philosophically , I don 't think I had quite the background she did . In counseling , I had to learn a lot from the book . And then , practice , discover what worked and what didn 't . I learned over time you had better ask a lot of questions and do a lot of listening , and being very cautions of leaving the impression , " I 'm up here and you 're down here . " Noelle : They were just consistent . I don 't even know that that realized how incredibly consistent they were . When we kids came along , the consistency was already so clear . We didn 't have to ask - we already knew . . . . When Mom said , " No , " it was " No , " and there was no going to Dad and getting a " Yes . " . . . And whether you realize it , or not , it was very impactful on us . Dad : For one thing , life goes on . People talk about , " When I die I want to be raised to life . " But I don 't think we are ever made to be " throw - aways . " I think we were created for eternity . I really do . And , we have to see life in the light of " We are working to become what we were intended to be - what God intended us to be . " You can 't see life that way if you get as far as you can go and suddenly it is cut off and that is the end of it . I think we were preparing for something bigger . Rob : What you had written was . . . " No , it is living a life of eternal significance . " How does a person live a life of eternal significance ? Dad : Well , I guess the 25th Chapter of Matthew is the best place to look for that , where Jesus says , the Judgment settles your final destiny in the light of how you have treated your fellowman - how you have invested your life in the lives of others . As you may remember , there were those condemned who were told , " I was hungry and you didn 't feed me , I was homeless and you didn 't give me a home . " And these people said , " Well , when did we ever see you like that ? " And Jesus said , " Well , the people around you . " And some people , when they saw the need , they met the need . They involved themselves in them . And I think that is what " eternal significance " is , it 's living a life of love , not just emotionally , sentimentally , but of investing your life in the lives of others . Because , after all , if our faith in God , our faith in Christ , is what we say it is , we 're talking about a God who is not just up there , who runs the show , but a God who has come to share our lives , to be a part of them , and take us into partnership , you know , as His friend . . . . I think that is where the significance of life is - you invest in something that is bigger than yourself . In fact , Christianity , at its best , says , " I don 't really own my life for myself . I belong to something bigger than my own interests . " Dad : I think she would agree with me that one of the frustrations that we have at church , and at the Sabbath School class , is people getting carried away with religion in the abstract . They just don 't seem to be able to carry it out in their lives , and they don 't want to . What they want is to feel good , they want to feel like forever they are taken care of , and are pretty well content in that . So , we sit at the table sometimes , and here is where I think that Mom can agree with me very much , and we talk about these things , and we are distressed . Can 't these people get beyond this ? Mom : That is what I was saying - there is nothing else to talk about . That is the core of it - life is about eternity . You don 't even think about it - subconsciously you life it . Mom : I have had opportunities to . I think everybody has opportunities to see it . Some of my personal experiences ? One of the things that centered our lives , I mean , for me - of course , we lost our first baby . Daddy says he is an emotional person , and that was an emotional time because I was in college , and I was only four months pregnant , and everything was going good as far as everyone knew , and then , all of a sudden , something happened , and the baby was gone . And the , a couple years later , when I got pregnant with Annita , and then traumatic childbirth - forty - eight hours or so - and remember this was right after the war years - so you didn 't have gynecologists like you have today , and so the treatment wasn 't - humane . And evidently I heard them say , " She 's dead . " And evidently I had died . I thought the baby had died , and yet I could see the operating table , and I also saw some other things in the hospital that I had never been in certain sections , and I heard words , and I knew Daddy would be concerned , and I kept telling them , " I have to go back . He needs me , " because I knew the baby had died . And so when I finally came to , the baby hadn 't died , and I thought , " Now I know . That 's the reason I saw all of that . And they finally said , " Yes , you can go back . " And so that was a real spiritual experience . And I knew that after death , death is not the end . And I had already told the Lord , " Let me just get through a pregnancy , " because I had trouble with pregnancies - Leon was the first the first one . . . With Helen , every time it was time for my period , I started hemoraging . . . so they put me on medication to keep me from having another miscarriage , and I would be in bed for a few days . And I just said , God help us to have this child and we will have the children that You want us to have . And that 's how you all came about . . . . From Leon , on , I never had problems . Mom : And Robert learned a persistence that was amazing . A hard task that he would take time to do . Cathy Jean was born on the run . . . . I walked up a flight of stairs to have Catherine Jean because they did not have elevators in that hospital , and the delivery room was on the second floor and my room was on the first floor . So , I walked up that flight of stairs - I was having a contraction as I went up and the doctor was coming down the stairs . And I said , " Doctor , you had better get back up here . " He said , " I 'm getting my coat . I put my instruments to sterilize and I 'm getting my coat . And I 'll be right back . " He didn 't get back . And the water hadn 't broke , so when the water broke , with the next contraction the nurse went right on down the hall . " This is the delivery room , " and she went on down the hall to get my enema ready , ' cause you couldn 't have a baby without having an enema first . And she said , when I told her I had better get upstairs , she said , " I can give you an enema upstairs as easy as down here . " So she said , " You can walk up there . " I went in there . I got on the table in between those contractions , and she comes back to see what had happened to me . And she said , " What are you doing there ? " And I said , " It 's easier to get on these tables between contractions . " When I had the next one , fortunately that nurse had arrived because Cathy didn 't even land on the table [ Laughter ] , she came with the water , and then , it was terrible , and then she didn 't even breathe . And they had to really work to get her to breathe because she had arrived too quickly . And she was black - blue - David was blue , too - and , she hasn 't quit running yet . Mom : Annita had a horrible birth . It was as hard on her as it was on her mother . . . . I had to wait for the doctor because in that hospital no baby allowed to be born unless a doctor is there , and they hadn 't called a doctor yet , and the head was there . They strapped my legs together until they called the doctor and got the doctor there . And they had me strapped to the table . They don 't do that today . In my mind I remembered they did this during the war , this was the way of taking care of things during the war , and I had had a friend one month before who had died and her husband never found out why . I never , never questioned why she died after that experience . But God was good . He let Annita live through that and He brought me back to life , and he let me live all these years since that experience . And of course , my first implication was , " No more children , " but I thought , " No , I must trust God . " And God was good . Mom : Of course , she was our angel because she was the first born , and when I was pregnant with Robert I said , " Honey , how are we going to live through this ? We love that child so much , I 'm scare . And here we loved Robert just as much , and then I decided God gives you more love - if you really love , God gives you more , it just keeps going on : the more kids you have the more love God gives you , so you can love every one of them the same , and yet see the different personalities and want them to be individuals . But you have your traumas with each one . - Daddy , I 'm talking all the time , just like a Randolph would . [ Laughter ] Daddy is the quiet one like a Mennonite would be . Mom : But Daddy was the biggest support . But then with Richard , he was the first one Daddy was there with and then that was better . Daddy knew what was going on , and he does much better when he knows what is going on ; and I do much better if he is there . Mom : Well , my doctor was Dr . Blood . How do you like that for a doctor . And she was expecting her first baby , which was twin girls , and her girls were born at 2 : 00 that afternoon , and Ruthie was born at 2 : 00 that night , the next morning . Mom : But Ruth was our first really happy baby . Robert and Annita , - but Annita had colick and would cry . Robert would cry every evening ; he was the best baby during the day . Mom : Every evening from six to nine he cried ; and no matter what you did he cried , and the neighbors two blocks away would come , and stay and help hold him through those hours . And then he would sleep through the night . And you know - well , Esther tells of how hers were up all night long , and I never had that : Robert slept after he got done crying all evening . But they said it had something to do with acid reflux . Mom : Uh ! She was the happiest little thing ! All you had to do was - feed her . . . and she 'd sleep between every feeding . . . and I thought , " Boy , God , you gave me the angel here , " because we were having to do exercises . . . the day she was a month old , Robert came home from the hospital . And then , from that point on . . . and Robert was a very unhappy baby by that time because he didn 't know us , and he didn 't know where he was , had never been in the dark , so you couldn 't even turn off the lights at night , and he cried . We ended up having to move out of the apartments at the seminary and back to Hammond to the parsonage just so that he didn 't . . . we didn 't want conflict with neighbors . But it was three times day hot compresses and therapy . If Ruthie hadn 't been such an angel of a baby , so we figure we mistreated her but she was so good we just bathed , fed and she slept . Richard was a good baby , only , when he got upset , he 'd just flop on the floor and started rolling , and he didn 't stop rolling until he 'd hit something . And then he 'd sit up and grin at yu . [ Laughter ] Mom : Well , he always had his schedule , and he talks about not being an organizer , he - you had your schedules . He found out that he couldn 't really study if he didn 't get to his study - early - because the phone would ring . [ To Dad ] You were up by 4 o ' clock and in your study , and then he would come out for breakfast and have a break with you kids and then go back . His mornings were spent in the study . His afternoons were spent calling . And he 'd end up with games at the high school and so on - from calling - he 'd make his calling schedules so that he could be as much as possible at your games , and he did that all the way through everybody 's . Mom : Helen was our happy one . If she heard footsteps she started to laugh . She was born September , and I can remember at Christmas time May and Harry stopped by , and they were on their way to Mom and Dad 's for Christmas , and Harry could not get over Helen . . . . [ Evidently Ellen ] had not been like that , and he just over and over commented that he never saw that child cry , and how she laughed all the time , and she did . If she 'd hear footsteps , no matter whose they were , she would start grinning , so that by the time you got to the little basket , why , she was laughing . But she was a happy baby . Let 's see , Willy . . . Mom : He was born in a maternity home just because this remote place where we were , they were back in barbaric times . Robert had his tonsils out on somebody 's kitchen table - the nurse in town . And another nurse had the maternity home , and that 's where Leon was born . And Leon was a good baby , too , but he gave us some scares that first of life - a couple times he quit breathing on us . Fortunately , one time I was in the doctor 's office , and uh , just for a routine shot , and he quit breathing in the waiting room . The other time I had just finished bathing him and I had put him in a seat - the hanging swing in the door frame - and I turned , and looked back , and the kid started to turn blue . And then we found out he had walking pneumonia . He was in the hospital a while - the oxygen tent . But , he was a good baby , too . Willy . Willy , when he was six weeks old , had Asiatic flu . I had had it , and he got sick , and he started coughing and - he was born September so that would have been late October or early November - and he coughed himself until he couldn 't nurse . He would be so exhausted that he 'd be sleep . And then we would just have to forcefully keep him awake enough to get anything down him . And whenever I took him our - the parsonage was right against the church so you didn 't have to go twenty feet to church - but I never had him out the door without a blanket over his head to protect him from germs and any breeze , and so on , until spring time . And then all of a sudden he perked up and began to really gain weight and he was okay . But those first months with him were really rough . And the doctor wouldn 't believe me that he was coughing , and it wasn 't until the doctor 's daughter , who was a special friend of Annita 's , was there at the house that she said , " You 'd better tell my dad . And the next time he had a coughing fit , I took him to the office . Then he realized . He gave me some medicine and it began to take care of that , whatever it was . [ Mom retells the story of Cathy ] . . . Cathy 's delivery was so fast that I had a heart problem from the time whe was born . Cathy had a heart murmur when she was born , and they watched that for about a year and it finally cleared . I had a problem until I got pregnant . All of a sudden my heart was beating and I didn 't know I was pregnant . And then found out I was and from that point on - that 's how Esther got her name - " who knows what - you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this . And it cleared completely . And then Esther , of course , was like having Annita over again , I mean . . . good baby although - Annita had the collick - she had all kinds just because of the type of delivery , she had all kinds of early problems and she was a month early . But Esther was right on the day she belonged and happy baby , beautiful baby - all you were . And then we thought , you know , we hope we have another one because wouldn 't this be terrible to raise one child by itself ? You know , the others all had somebody . And sure enough , we have another one . But it wasn 't like starting out again because those two , they needed a lot more . You other kids were all so good together . We loved taking you on trips because you were all so happy on trips . You sang all the way . You memorized lots of scripture on trips , and then just sang , sang . And then Esther and Ernie , they were careful where they sat in the car , and if one of them touched the other one - so we thought that 's the reason God gives you lots of kids . But , anyway , they were just the joy of our heart just because we thought , " Here we are . God 's given us a chance to do a better job with these kids . But Esther was really a happy baby , and so was Ernie . But Ernie had all kinds of problems . The day he was a month old he ended up in the hospital with a bowel obstruction . The day he was two months old we had him back in there because a fistula had developed around where the obstruction had been and we had to have more surgery . And the day he was three months old he had a double hernia . So he was in the hospital a lot . But they were good babies . Esther was kind of like Annita - she was a little mother to Ernie . She would pull him around - so afraid we would leave him somewhere . People thought they were our grandchildren . Mom : That was the hardest part , them one by one going out , and then you realize , " That 's what you are training them for , all these years . " You have prepared them to be able to be adults , and Noelle 's the one who 's amazed us the most . We were told we would probably always have to take care of her , she would probably never be able to be on her own . And - brilliant , happy person - full of love , joy and life . And it 's , " Hi , Mom ! " You answer the phone . " Hi , Mom , it 's me ! " And God is so good , you know , the way He 's . . . And we felt , you know , we didn 't have any experience with that kind of needs . And you kids , all of you , were the ones that we took her because you kids said , " Mom , we want to . " And then we thought , " You know , they asked us . It wasn 't anything we had asked for , but we can 't tell them no . There is a reason we need her . " And so , it 's like she was born into the family . Dad : This has just really been a high water mark in life , and I just want you to know that - all of you . Appreciate all the planning you 've done , all your goodness . We look back - I boast to people about how good our family is to us . You hear it the other way quite often , you know , " Dad and Mom were good to us . " Well , I boast the other way , how good our kids are to us . Dad : I want you to leave with a sense that your life really has a purpose . I know that when you get into theology you get into a lot of problems about God . Accept reality . If we could explain it all , we would be bigger than he was . We can 't . It has to be a faith thing . Our life and history is under the control of someone with a higher purpose than we can fully fathom . But one thing we can do , we have learned from God , is to recognize our lives don 't just belong to us . Our lives belong to God , they belong to each other , and live life in that direction . Don 't live for what you can get , but give . President Kennedy said it , " Don 't ask what you can get , but what you can give . " Mom : I know that you will succeed in what you feel is your work and what you want to do . I always loved working with children because I knew children were real - they weren 't putting it on . And I feel that way of all you children : what you are is inside of you - not something external , but it 's . . . I love you , every one , you are just as much with me because I can visualize you right where I am , and trust you to God 's care , and God is there , and your memory is with me . That 's why we love getting into your homes and we can think about you where you are . We can see Cathy in her office ; we can see her in the delivery room . Mom : Daddy thinks he robbed me , not letting me finish college . What greater thing can you do - there are eleven kids that really loving people and serving needs all over this country and even on islands . And what greater blessing do you want than that ? Rob : One of the things I hear from people today is , " I wouldn 't have any children in this society , today . It is too awful a world . " And my suspicion is that the world hasn 't really changed all that much . . . What historical event had an impact on your lives ? . . . Dad : Well , it kind of struck us , first of all , that it could happen . I can remember that life was just going along pretty smoothly and then in 1928 , 29 , all at once we were getting word that the banks were closing and Dad lost money in one bank - couldn 't get any money out of it . But I remember the over - all effect was when the word came out the banks were closing kind of a feeling of disaster , and people were quite depressed . What was interesting about it was that about the time the Depression really hit was about the same time that the Great Drought or dust storms came along . That kind of doubled it . I think at that time there was kind of a sense of doom in many people . I think religious faith was certainly a great salvation in many ways . We had our church , we worshiped , we had our faith that God was in control . There were many people , of course , who were - bankers and so on were jumping out of upstairs windows and so on . There were quite a few suicides , and people just got into debt and new they couldn 't pay off and they committed suicide . Dad : Very much , very much . In the 30 's - I think the Droughth had broken in 1938 - we had three years that were pretty dry . Times were hard . We on the farm , where Dad always had his anxieties trying to raise a family with income like it was and the economy like it was , nevertheless we always had security . We had our own eggs , our own meat , we had , uh , even at the worst of times we had something to eat from crops , and so we had security that way . Didn 't have a lot of money to spend . A nickel for candy was pretty valuable . We drove old cars . We had one that we had to , the kids had to sit on the front fender and hold the light sockets in at night . Finally moved up to something a little bit better around 1928 or ' 29 . But , really , it 's a sad thing to say but the war improved a lot for many people economically . I know it did . The Droughth ended about [ 1938 ] . The real Depression just seemed to gradually ease up in particular - uh , I don 't know how it came about . In particular , it seemed that gradually we began to have a little bit more . When the war came along , somehow that did something for the economy . Mom : I remember , I do remember when he mentioned the banks closed , we never heard the banks closed . We heard the banks were going under , and let me tell you I was careful not to go into a bank . I didn 't want it to go under when I was in it . . . . That 's what it meant to a little child . . . . And I did lose money in the bank because my Aunt Xenia had put money in my bank for my education - and the bank did pay that back during those Depression - or - I think they began getting money back . But Mom and Dad were in such a state that they used that money - as they got payment - small payment along until they had given back everything . And Mom and Dad were so conscientious that long after we were married that - we got little by little - we got all of my investment , and I don 't remember how much my Aunt Doc had put in . It probably wasn 't that much but in those days a little was a lot . Dad : Yeah , we did . And chinch bugs - they would destroy the corn crop . They were little bugs that got in around the stock where the leaves joined the stock , get in there and kill it . They moved over ground - didn 't fly . And what we did for them , we made a furrow around the field and put in poison for them to eat , and that was for the grasshoppers , too . And also we used creosote that turned chinch bugs back . But we made poison bran for the grasshoppers - got bran and put poison in it , and spread that , and they 'd eat that and killed them . Dad : They called them locusts . I think they were a grasshopper , actually . Yeah . We just didn 't have the seagulls to help us out . Mom : Well , I was in high school , so , of course , in our classes we were talking about that all the time . And it was the - I graduated in ' 45 - that was in ' 42 , Pearl Harbour ? So I was in early high school because we started the seventh grade . But I remember - of course , everybody remembers what they were doing . Somebody hears about it and they tell somebody else and then on Monday , when we went to school , . . . somebody actually brought a radio to school , and we just didn 't have school that day . We were in the auditorium listening to that radio . Mom : Oh - scared to death . As a child - especially when I 'd go someplace else to stay , when you didn 't have the security of your parents - because , for me , I spent eighth grade , one semester , in New York State . In the ninth grade I spent one semester in Weston going to school . Then I was at home . . . . But it was really scary for me when I was a long ways from home . Dad : It did . I remember my dad was always worried because us boys were the age that we could go to war . And I remember Dad just - he really got quite depressed . He 'd listen to the reports and hoped we wouldn 't have to go , so it had him quite worried . And of course , us boys , we were old enough except Bob , to have some connection with World War I , because there were still some of those veterans around who had been crippled , one leg , or maybe they had gone insane under the pressure . So , there was a - memories of World War I made us really very uneasy , and our parents . Mom : Probably not because there was no TV , so - although at times your imagination can be worse than the real thing . But , yeah , Pearl Harbour was scary . And to see newspapers and pictures and hear what was going on on the radio . . . Mom : In school they spent a lot of time in geography , especially , showing us where things were going on , and teaching us - we had all these generals , their pictures - we could tell you who every general was by his picture . And so , all during those years that we were in the war there we stayed right on top of what was going on there - Africa - and then they moved to Japan . And it was scary because you just didn 't know - we knew where Russia was , but then there was the question , " Yeah , Russia is helping us , but are they our friend ? " Dad : I remember the suddenness of the news . I was in Milton College , and I was the assistant janitor . I did the night janitor , and the regular janitor , he came to me , his eyes just flashing , and said , " You know what those dirty Japs did ! ? " And so , he told me about the attack on Pearl Harbour . And that 's how I got the news . Dad : I don 't think there was any doubt in my mind that we would win out . I did realize that it would be a horrible battle to win because I realized that Nazi Germany had been preparing for war and they had their allies ; and so I knew it was going to be tough , and I knew that all of us boys of service age would probably be called up . I was , but by a fluke I was not taken . But Bob went , Bob was called up . Merlin went very late , but was put in counter intelligence . Charles was exempt because he was farming . I was called up . I was turned down , and as a result , I had gone , I got some help with my college education financially . I was told that I probably would be called up again . I never was . Mom : And he didn 't have good eyes . So that and the fact he was - he had flu really bad - and he told the draft board he had dropped out because he had been exempt for ministry . He wasn 't in health to pass a physical test . Dad : Yeah . The head of the draft board - Dad knew him - he told Dad he was sure glad I didn 't have to go ; he said he wouldn 't have had to tell us he dropped out of college , but he did . " I 'm glad he didn 't go . " Mom : Not until it was over . Bond was in right at the end of the war , but he was still in his basic training , so on our honeymoon you couldn 't get gas ' cause everything was rationed ' cause the war was on when we got married . And the day we got to Kansas , there was a song very popular at the time , " Honeymoon on a Greyhound Bus , " and that is what we did , we took the Greyhound bus ' cause he couldn 't get gas , and so we sent word to Mom , I 've probably told you this before , to Mom and Dad , we sent a telegram , that if they 'd bring our car out , why , we would take them down to Texas where Bond was in basic training and Mother 's brother was a doctor at another Army base in Texas , and he . . . Dad : Sure was . We would often drive out in the country , you know , casually with the hand up on the rail , and he said , " Some people think they have to hold the roof on when they drive . " He had a way of saying things that . . . Rob : Mom , Dad says he had a confidence that we were going to win that war . I often wonder about how confident the people might be , because the Japanese that they got the jump on us and the Americans were not going to last their onslaught . Did you have a similar sense , or was there a sense of precariousness . Mom : That was before we were married , and the war was over when we got to Kansas . And when the war was over , and that very day , that evening we knew the war was over , and the rations were off - everything . I mean the food rationing and the gas rationing , everything was off that very day . . . . Mom : I remembered - the bus , the trains , every mode of transportation stopped for 24 hours , and that was a , you know , a law , I guess . Nothing was to move . They were just going to celebrate for 24 hours . Mom : At that time ? When it came on the news of the enormity - what a horrible thing we had done - that was really scary . You began to think this has to be the end of the world because now they 'll come over here , because we thought they had these bombs ready . Fortunately they didn 't or they would have . But we could visualize them coming over and no one was safe anywhere in the world , so it was extremely scary . Dad : Well , that 's life , you know . You have to live . It was just normal for romance , for marriage , for raising a family . . . Dad : Except you . [ Laughter ] F . L . Summers , he resorted to the West Virginia way of doing things . He said , " Ed , I think you and Xenia Lee have been hanging around together long enough . Why don 't you throw a gunnysack over her head and run off and get married . Mom : It was experimental , a lot of it . They used things [ that ] today we can get over the drug counter . And , of course , the little boy that sat right beside of me in school did die with pneumonia . They didn 't have anything , like we do , no antibiotics to fight disease . But , Momma always - and they quarantined you - so we - I think my brother got sick the week after school was out , and they put this big sign out in the front of our house , " Quarantined , " so nobody 'd come near our house , . . . Mom : No one came near our house . If they did , after they 'd see this sign they left . And fortunately , we had two sections of the house , and there was a hallway that you went into first that you went to the right or the left My father - we had to stay on the right side of the house , and my father on the left side because he went to college , he was doing some work , and he couldn 't come near us except to call through the window to us through the summer . So Momma had to take care of us kids , and every one of us had scarlet fever . They thought Bond had diphtheria , and it wasn 't until I got scarlet fever that they discovered that it really wasn 't diphtheria , it was scarlet fever . But they used what my Aunt Doc called " white liniment , " and used it on our necks to keep our throats - and that was what happening : the throats would close , would just swell up with this infection and close , and your lungs - you would end up with pneumonia , and that would be it . So , they always credited Aunt Doc with her white liniment that she made , it wasn 't something that she had bought , but , of course , my Aunt Doc had gone through medical school in Chicago - first woman to graduate with the men at the medical school at Northwestern , I think , in Chicago . And that was her senior year . She moved from the women 's medical school because they opened it up to women , and so she moved over there to the other medical school , and was in the first graduating class . Rob : Hmm . There 's a lot of medicine both sides of the family , isn 't there . Now you mentioned Uncle Ian , and Aunt Doc , . . . Now Dad , at that time you had not had a lot of doctors in the past family , did you ? Dad : No , not at all . I had an uncle by marriage that started to become a doctor . He failed in it . But no , we didn 't have any . Mom : Janice , - the oldest . The oldest is a pediatrician - their mother was a nurse , . . . Aunt Louise , . . . - and the youngest is a physician 's assistant , so they call her doctor - Sullivan . She never married - neither one of those girls . . . married . Dad : Well , I think the future 's not going to be easy . I don 't have [ a vision ] of the perfect world . I do think that in the end , with the transcendent power of God that is going to lead the final solution that we see in the end of Revelation . I have no doubts in the world about that . But , I don 't think it is going to come smoothly . I think we are going to continue to see war , continue to see tragedy , but the good side of it is that there is always going to be people of faith , working with a sovereign God for good . Maybe it [ is ] outnumbered , but like Jesus said , " You are like leaven in the world , like salt . " And I think it is that smaller group that is the hope of the world . And right now it is a little bit like that story of Hans with his hand in the hole in the dyke , that saved the people . I think it is about the situation that we 're in - not hopeless , but just recognizing that we are key people , it 's people of faith in God and Christ . Mom : It 's all - I just feel like today live each moment and make it the best you can and the future will take care of itself . And I think it 's true , if you 're faithful now , because God is sovereign , God will help you . Just like the accident you had , and it could have been such a , such a different story . . . Mom : Yeah . And I have learned to pray when I worry : thank God you are there . I learned that when you were tiny . I have been very thankful I have learned that . God is there , and God is able to put the person that can help where I would like to be . And He has been faithful all these years . And I am very thankful . Mom : Yeah . I think you just have to . Just knowing that God is where you would like to be - and God has His way of working things out . When you were a baby and there were weeks that they would not let us see you - they sent us a telegram and told us that they had closed visiting hours temporarily and they would let us know when they opened them up again . And at that time I was taking a course from the director of the polio hospital - because there were so many for such an epidemic , and there were eighteen babies under a year old in the room that you were in , and I did not know when I signed up for that course - I wanted to know how to take care of you when you came home - so I signed up for that course , and they were having outpost hospitals where they would take care of these kids because the hospital where you were was full , so it turned out this woman was the director of the hospital teaching this nursing course and she had no use for parents because they would not follow the rules . So she kept threatening that they were going to close visiting hours - you know she would tell us in class that they were going to close them because parents wouldn 't cooperate . They gave crayons for kids to color and toys that - and the kids didn 't have enough use of themselves that they could choke on things - and so that was God 's way of preparing me for that telegram and not making me think that something terrible had happened . And so then weeks later I saw somebody in the grocery store - you get to know all the parents because you could only see children for two hours three times a week , on Wednesday , Saturday and Sunday and so you stood outside because the place was locked , nobody could get in , and so you stood outside and visited , and so this woman from our town - it was the only hospital in the state that had taken polio victims , so there were there from all over the state , and I said , " When do you suppose they will ever let us go see the children again ? " She said , " Oh , I go every visiting houRob : Dad , I know about that time , maybe , probably after the polio experience , your dad died . . . . Dad : [ And Mom had been in the hospital with Ruthie ] , all three , and Dad died - I got word , you know , he died suddenly - I just wasn 't ready for it . And I just found myself overwhelmed . Fear took over , of all kinds . . . Dad : False hope was one of my problems because I had accepted the idea that if you had faith nothing bad could ever happen . It did . And it crushed me . And with these other things , too . It was just an overload that I couldn 't handle . And it was a time of crisis where I had to face realities I never had before , period . And it took a while to get over it , and it effected me mentally , and it effected me physically , and in every way . Mom : I know the telegram arrived at night that his father had died , so the nights , I think , were the hardest for him , and I think for many people , nights are hard . But all of a sudden , he couldn 't breathe , and his stomach had trouble . So he ended up in the emergency room over and over , and they would give him calmatives and send us home until he finally felt like , you know , this isn 't really physical . It is something else . And he got slowly , very slowly , quit the ministry . . . Dad : Well , of course , I was in the midst of the course there and I talked with my favorite professor and he agreed maybe it was time for me to drop out for a while . But , I remember when I flew up to the funeral I was just so overwhelmed . And after the funeral I started home on the train . I just got desperately sick . I ate a big meal . I thought , " You know this is over . " And I ate a big meal , and I got terribly sick . I never thought I would arrive home alive . And , I did . But , this thing hung on , and the thing that really helped me was to get back into an occupation I liked and to get to work . So I went back to the linotype operation and I gradually just got better . Work was a therapy . Dad : Well , there were some that were killed . They were out on a mission . And they - on the way back some drunk come across the highway and hit the car head - on . And one or two of them died and one of them was so injured mentally , his brain , that he never would be right again . That just seemed to me that things like that shouldn 't happen to people of faith . And so that was part of the whole thing . It was a crisis . I think that everyone that really thinks goes through some kind of crisis in life . That 's where the big decisions are made . Mom : We went up home , actually . Mom and Dad said , " Come up here . " So , we were up there through the summer when Richard was born , ' cause Richard was born at Clarksburg . And then , in the fall you got the call , and we went back . And he continued to linotype work while he was pastor in Paint Rock . Mom : Probably , Momma had gotten through all of Dad 's illness , so I never questioned that I couldn 't do it , and I imagine that prepared me . I really - for our ministry and everything , I feel like just all through life God was preparing me . I saw Mom get through things that looked impossible because the doctor - when we took Dad to the hospital the doctor said there was no way he could live . And they took him . It was when sulfa and penicillin was being experimented on and wasn 't being use but was being experimented with . And he had a doctor that was willing to experiment if Dad was willing to sign papers . So , Mom and Dad signed papers that if he died as a result there would be no suits or anything . And Mom got through that , and she had a baby during that time . So , I don 't think I ever questioned it . Mom : Well , does any of it ? I guess it shouldn 't come cheap . I mean , it was costly , and when you really think about it , why , Christ gave his life and so , what more can we give ? Rob : I really think that a lot of what we talk about , it 's easy to think , " They really have no idea what we are going through today . " But , every age has its challenges , it seems like it is more awful than anybody before , but I would really have hated to live in the Dark Ages . Every age has its challenges . Mom : Well , just you always knew what they were doing - every minute of every day . You were there when they came home from school , and then , all of a sudden , you didn 't know . Fortunately , it worked out all right because every one of you were good about at least once sending a letter home . And then , when these computers came in , why then you didn 't know what they were doing three days ago , or four , when they mailed their letters : you knew that very same day . And then for a short time we had where we could talk to them and if they were on , their name came up if they were using their computer at the same time : you could do something and you could talk to them , and it was like being on a telephone . So , really in our lifetime we have come from people who left home and went on the wagon train West - you never expected to see - you might hear from them but it would be weeks after they had written their letter , and they never expected them to be able to come home again . So , I really thought we were living in a much better time . We 've seen a lot of changes .

Rajat almost shrieked out with excitement . Somehow , restraining himself , he tiptoed to the door and looked through the peephole . They were here . How funny , he thought ; politicians hardly ever turn up on time at any other event . He moved back towards the hall and hiding behind a pillar , he said , " The door is open . Come in and sit down on the floor . " He heard the door open and the two brothers come in . They walked into the living room and sat down on the floor . Sweat was flowing down Rajat 's face . He tightened the grip on the gun . " Have you brought the money ? " he yelled . " Yes , we have , " came the reply , " come out , you bastard and get this over with . But mind you , tell whoever you are working for that we are not going to forget this in a hurry . We will hunt you down , you piece of slime ! " " Shut up ! " Rajat yelled , as he charged out from behind the pillar , startling the two . " You think you two can get away with any crime that you commit . Justice may have been late , but you will get justice tonight . " The sight of the gun seemed to have evaporated the sense of arrogance in their tone . " Li . . . Li . . Listen . . we don 't know who you are . Just take the money and let us go , " the bearded Bhairon said , as he made a move for his pocket . " Don 't even think about it , " Rajat whispered in a menacing tone . " Take out your gun , slowly and slide it across towards me . Don 't try and act smart , coz if you do , my hands would be a lot quicker than yours . " " Who are you ? " Beera asked with a clear tone of fear in his voice . " It doesn 't matter who I am , " Rajat said , " what matters is that Vinay Gupta was my father . . " Four shots whizzed out of the gun , two into each of the bodies and in a couple of seconds , the two lay dead in a pool of blood , their faces still showing the realization of their killer 's identity . Rajat , however , didn 't wait . He had other things to do . Although this had drained him , the harder part was still to come . He took the syringe in his hand . It was time to go . It was time for peace . He thought of his family , his wife , his beautiful daughter , his mother . " I love you all , " he said and pushed the syringe in to his vein . He had just a couple of minutes now before he would black out . Just one more thing , he reminded himself . He went to the wall and banged his head on it a couple of times . Blood started oozing out of his head . But he never got the chance to feel the pain . As the drug kicked in , he fell to the ground and blacked out . Sunday : 9 AM " So , what did you see ? " the police inspector asked a short plump guy who was shivering . " I live across this hallway , " he stammered , " That flat is normally locked all the time . It belongs to a guy named Satish . He lives in Canada . This morning I was going out for my morning walk when I found the door ajar . When I opened it , I saw blood everywhere . That 's when I called you . One of these guys I recognize , his name is Rajat . He is a friend of Satish 's . He used to lease out the flat on behalf of Satish and when it was empty , he came here once in a while to clean up . " Sunday : 11 AMThe phone was ringing . " I 'll get it ma , " Aarti said . " Hello ? ? " " Am I talking to Mrs . Aarti Gupta ? ? " " Yes " " Madam , I am calling from the Metro hospital . You husband , Mr . Rajat Gupta is seriously hurt . Please come immediately . " " WHATTT ? ? ! ! ! ? ? " Monday : 10 AMThe doorbell rang . " Babloo ! ! Go and get the door ! ! " the ACP yelled as he ate his morning breakfast . He was already dressed up to leave for office . " But . . but I didn 't do anything ! ! And moreover , you have no evidence against me ! ! So don 't even try and touch with your rotten hands ! ! And once I get to my office , you are gonna repent what you are doing ! ! " the ACP barked . " Ahh . . evidence . . " the inspector smiled , " the evidence so strong that you can forget about going to your ' office ' ever again ! You murdered the two guys with your service gun ! How naive can you be ? ? " " What ? ? My gun ? ? My gun is right here with me , you liar ! " the ACP opened his holster and took out his gun and showed it to the inspector . A wide smile broke out on the inspector 's face . " You think I am a fool , do you ? Every service gun has a registration ID carved into it on the base . I don 't see that here . And do you know why ? ? It 's because this is a fake . You gun was at the scene of the crime . And it has been registered in your name . . " Still in a state of shock , the ACP hardly resisted as thre men pushed him onto the chair and took off his shoes . The inspector took out a sheet of paper from a file ; a picture of the shoeprints from the crime scene , then looked at the ACP 's shoe . He smiled at showed it to the ACP . Babloo could only watch in disbelief as the ACP was handcuffed and shoved into the back of the police van . . Monday : 3 . 30 PMAarti was sitting outside the ICU . Her heart was pounding out of the love towards her husband , while her brain was still trying to gather and assess everything that the doctors and the police had poured out during the short time that she had talked to them . They said something about a double homicide , Satish 's flat , a gun . It was too much to take in all at once . Even greater than that was the desperation to see her husband healthy again . " Mrs . Gupta , I understand that the last couple of days have been very draining for you , " the doctor said , " but I need to clear a few things out with you regarding your husband . " " Well , you must understand that your husband was a target for murder . He has suffered a critical head injury and has lost a lot of blood . He bled for almost eight hours before he was brought to the hospital . We have stabilised his pulse at the moment and blood has been given to him . But we will have to put him under observation for 48 hours . We always need to take maximum precautions with head injuries . " " We can only tell after 2 days . But initial signs are all positive . We are quite optimistic about his recovery , " the doctor said with a reassuring smile . " But actually what follows is the more crucial part that I wanted to talk to you about . " " Well , we did a scan of Mr . Gupta 's head . The area around the temporal lobe is badly swollen . What amazes me is that the temporal lobe , which is actually at the back side of the head , is swollen but the injury to him has happened on the forehead . The skull has cracked a little on the forehead but the shock was not so large that it could affect the temporal lobe . Tuesday : 1 PMThe ACP sat in small jail room . For 3 days he had been crying out to the prison guards to let him out because he was innocent but no one listened . Now he had stopped , resigned to his fate . Senior officials had come to see him . He requested them to release him . Some of them agreed to try and bail him out . But even that would take at least a week . The prison guard opened his door . " You have a visitor , " he said . It was Babloo , his servant . " Saheb , this came for you today , " he said . It was an envelope . The ACP ripped it open and took out a letter from inside . He started reading . . How does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine ? ? Is this jail life suiting you , you bastard ! ! Twenty years ago , you sold yourself to a couple of thugs and helped them kill an honest police officer . His blood is on your hands . And what you are suffering now is repayment for that sin . I know you have contacts . I know you will soon get yourself out . But every single second that you spend in this cell will remind you of the countless bodies you killed or stepped on to get yourself some money and fame . And this thought will eat you inside . Today I have completed my revenge . . That day the ACP did not speak to anyone . At night the other inmates heard loud cries . In the morning , the ACP was found hanging dead from the ceiling of his cell with his bed sheet . The next day , Rajat regained consciousness . He woke up with a start as if he had a bad dream . He tried to remember what the dream was . He was standing in the rain with someone . He gave the other guy some money and in return he had got a package . The other guy had asked him to be careful with the package . Half of the bottle would be enough to erase 6 months of memories , he had said . But Rajat was somehow sure that he had used the full bottle . . . . Rajat stared at the small hospital room . He wondered how he had got here . The doctors had come ; the police had come to ask him something ; some murders ; some guys named Beera and Bhairon , but he had no idea what they were talking about . His head started aching every time he tried to remember anything about which these people were asking questions . Once his room was empty he opened the newspaper . " ACP accused in double homicide commits suicide " , said the headline . Poor guy , Rajat thought and moved on to the next headline . As he had wanted , he had ended it for himself too . He was at peace with himself once again . . . It had been hard . . the past three months . . Rajat thought as he relived everything . He had taken a decision that would change his life but he was determined not to waver . A month after the life altering revelation he had started planning how to do it . He dug all the history that he could find on the two brothers and the ACP . The two brothers were the sons of a popular but now retired politician , who himself had had allegations of corruption over him . These two were now trying to inherit his popularity to further their own political ambitions . Many times over , he had the thought of just walking into the homes of all the three and shooting them in the head . But then he realised that he had a family too . He loved his wife and his daughter . What would they think ? He needed to plan . He needed to come up with a method in which he had a chance to live a normal life . . He needed to get all three of them at the same place to do it . It would be tough now that their allegiance to each other had been severed . But as he was planning all this , two major doubts had started to pollute his mind . . Did the ACP deserve death ? He had been a pawn , threatened by the political power of Bhairon and Beera , the two brothers . If he hadn 't obeyed them , he might have ended up the same way his father had . Rajat faced a conflict . On one side , he had deep anger for the ACP but on the other he understood the kind of pressure he might have been under . It was then that he had found a middle way , a way to make sure that he didn 't have the ACP 's blood on his hands . . But still , the other doubt was eating him inside . He had been brought up by his father to be an honest , hard working man who respected the rules , respected other human beings . He might be breathing after doing what he had decided to do , but will he actually be living a life ? Will he be able to face his wife , look into the innocent eyes of his daughter and his mother ? As this thought had struck him , he decided what he would have to do . . He will have to end it for himself too . He couldn 't live like this . He needed to be calm again . He needed to be serene again . . Rajat looked down at the bottle of injection that lay on the table . This was his ticket to ending it all . His family will hopefully understand . They will adapt with time . He took a refreshing bath that night and had a good night sleep . He was satisfied with the day 's work , but more needed to be done tomorrow . The next day , he woke up with a slight fever . It must have been because of the rain last night , Rajat thought , frustrated that he couldn 't be able to carry out the next phase of his plan . He stayed at home , going through each part of his plan again . The next step was crucial . In a way it was good that he postponed it for a couple of days . It would be better if he did it once he was healthy again . Two nights later , he came home at about 3 in the morning . The most crucial part of the plan had been done . He was ecstatic . What he had done today would make sure that he won 't be suspected for the murders . He opened the bag he was carrying and took out a flat wide plate . The plate was filled with clay . And in the middle of it was a large clear shoeprint . About ten kilometres away from where Rajat sat , in a calm and peaceful locality , the ACP woke up at six in the morning . It was just another day for him . But he didn 't notice that the balcony door that he usually locked every night was a little ajar today . He also didn 't notice that his shoes were a little muddier than usual . . . Rajat took out the gun from his pocket and kept it on the table . Looking at it , he recollected how much research he had done about it , how he had tried to get in touch with people who supply such things . It had been hard ; he was unfamiliar with such people and their behaviours . He had even been beaten up once . But he had been very particular about the type of gun he wanted . In the end the dealer had to relent . Next day he ordered a custom made shoes having the same footprint as the one on the clay . All the things he had purchased were done under different names , far away from the city . The shoes arrived three days later . That evening , he sat down at his study and wrote two letters . First , he wrote to the two brothers , his father 's killers , carefully using gloves to avoid fingerprints and pasting newspaper cuttings to make up his words . I know that you killed Vinay Gupta years ago , the car didn 't meet with an accident ; you pushed it over the bridge . I have evidence against you . If you don 't want me to go to the police , bring 50 lacs in cash tomorrow to 304 , Vilas Apartments near the clock tower on this coming Saturday at 10 pm . Give the money to my man there and you will live safely . . He completed the letter and prepared to get some rest . It was Friday evening . Tomorrow his life will be altered forever . Not just his life , the lives of his family members too . He prayed to God , thanking him for a lovely family , a content life and bracing himself for tomorrow , went to sleep . Saturday . . a normal day for perhaps everyone else , but for Rajat it wasn 't . Today was the day when three months of turbulence would come to an end , one way or the other . Either he would avenge his father 's death or he would die at the hands of his father 's killers . But he had steeled himself for the worst coz either way it wasn 't going to end well for him . As the time approached , his nervousness grew . He took his bag , put on his new shoes and went out for a walk . The streets were muddy from the rain the previous night . He walked for few minutes and reached Vilas Apartments . He decided to take the stairs and climbed up to house number 304 . As he slid the key into the lock , he silently apologized to his dear friend Satish . He had almost 5 hours to wait there before the brothers came . It was then that he realised that he had almost forgotten a key part of the plan . He quickly opened his bag and pulled out a pair of his old shoes . He then stuffed his new pair into the bag . Thanking God in his mind for reminding him , he locked the door and went downstairs . He went to the bridge on the river , the same bridge which had withnessed his father 's death . He filled the bag with some big stones and then flung it into the river . Evidence deleted . He went back to the house and resumed his wait . He never realized when he fell asleep . It was only when his wrist watch alarm went off at half past nine that he woke up with a start . Freaking out , he washed his face and got ready . He put on his gloves . He checked his gun once again , fitting a silencer on the mouth and loaded the syringe with the injection . He won 't have much time ; he had to do everything very quickly . At exactly ten o ' clock he heard footsteps . His mind was going numb . Adrenaline was rushing through each and every cell in his body . He was trying desperately to hold it all together . " Stay calm , " he said to himself , " it 'll all be over soon . " And then the doorbell rang . . . The rain was coming down really hard now . Trying to stay dry , Rajat pulled his jacket over his head . He was conscious of the packet that protruded from his left pocket . He had no other choice but to go out in the rain and buy it . The dealer was adamant about getting the payment today itself . Jumping over puddles , he made his way home . He reached his home a couple of minutes later . His wife and daughter were away on their visit to her parents . His mother was on her visit to his sister 's place . This being the time of vacations had meant that their trip would be a little longer than usual . He had specially chosen this time for his plan . No one back home would know what he was doing . He went in to his study and removed his jacket . Then from the left pocket , he took out a brown envelope . Getting drenched in the rain had been worthwhile . He had been able to get both the things that he had needed . He opened the envelope . His hand went in and with it came out a small bottle of injection . Out came then the syringe . He put his hand into the packet one last time . The thing that came out was the cause of this packet 's excessive weight . It was a gun . He had thought about this many times over in his mind . He had not told anyone about what he had in mind . Silently and discreetly , he had been working for the past two months on his new found mission ; avenging his father 's death . In retrospect , he never thought he would come this far . To be frank , he had started off with absolutely no confidence of his plan 's success . It was about three months ago when he had found out the truth . Till that time , he was a relatively satisfied upper middle class man , working in a reputed financial firm . He was an ideal husband to his wife and a great father to his daughter . He was an honest man , paying his taxes well before time , resisting giving or taking bribes , in many ways , the perfect gentleman . But three months ago , a visit to the Police headquarters gave his life a shocking jolt . He had been approached for a personal loan by a tricky customer . As per normal procedure , he had checked this customer 's background before deciding on the loan proposal . The customer turned out to be a suspicious fellow , with a shady background . Once he came to know this , he refused to oblige him . But the guy turned out to be a little more problematic than he first thought . He started getting threat messages . Fearing for himself and his family , he approached his boss . The next day he went to the Police headquarters . Not many people knew this , but this place was quite familiar to Rajat . He had come here a few times when he was very young . His father had been an honest and reputed IPS officer , before he died in a car crash 12 years ago . . . The peon ushered him into the waiting area . Soon , the ACP called him into his office . As he walked towards the office , he realized that his father used to sit in the same room that he was walking towards . He clearly remembered his younger days when he would play with the hawaldars standing outside the office while his father sat inside looking after his daily work . " Please come in Mr . Rajat " , ACP Sagar Sharma called Rajat in and offered him a seat . " Anant has told me about the problem that you are facing . There 's no need to worry . I 'll direct the station head of your area to round up this guy who is bothering you . " " Thank you so much , sir . You never know what such people might do to your family . Actually , my father . . " He could not complete his sentence though , as the door of the ACP 's office slammed open and two middle aged guys came in . Both of them were wearing traditional white khaki clothing , suggesting the fact that they might have been politicians . One of them wore a black pair of sunglasses while the other had a trimmed beard and a huge teeka on his forehead . " So , Sagar ji . . , " the bearded guy said in a husky tone , " It seems you have forgotten what all we have done for you . You suddenly have started avoiding us and our party workers . " The ACP had suddenly gone pale . " How the hell did you get into my office without permission ? Get out right now ! ! ! " " Don 't you raise your voice against us you prick ! " the other guy was speaking now . " You clearly know what our deal was . Our family has looked after you ever since you started this job , and now you turn you back on us ? ? " " Shut up and get out ! ! " the ACP yelled . " I have nothing to do with murderers like you . Be grateful that I am kind enough to ignore your crimes in return of the favour you did me when I was under suspension . But don 't expect any more favours from me . " " YOU BASTARD ! ! " the bearded guy had exploded with rage . He seemed to have forgotten that there was another guy in the room , watching all this , in a state of disbelief . " Our family supported you when you were out if money . Our father gave a worthless man like you a means of livelihood when you were suspended . We made sure that you got your job back and got steady promotions . We have killed people that came in the way of our political ambitions but don 't think that you had nothing to do with it . And don 't forget , the first person we killed was your boss , that Vinay Gupta , who had suspended you . You gave us his location on the day we pushed his car into the river . You bribed the forensics in to saying that the driver was drunk . So don 't sit there and think that you are innocent . If you don 't play along with us , we 'll make sure that you join us in jail , you worthless piece of shit ! ! " As the argument heated up further , what the quarreling parties did not notice was the expression on Rajat 's face . Rajat had gone numb . It was as if someone had landed a tight slap right across his face . These guys , these goons , rather , did not know what he had just realized . Shock was writ large on his face as he repeated the words to himself , " My father didn 't die in a car crash . . It was a cold blooded murder . . " Vinay Gupta was his father , an honest and righteous IPS officer who served the police with pride . It was quite a shock to not only his family , but also the entire police fraternity when he suddenly passed away in a car accident . The car he was travelling in that night had hit a truck and dropped into the Yamuna River . He was investigating a double murder case in a nearby village . The case was political in nature and involved quite influential people . Rajat still had the memories fresh in his mind . Once his father 's and the driver 's body had been taken out of the water , it was found in the autopsy that the driver was severely drunk when he was driving the car . Rajat had since accepted the fact that his father wasn 't there to protect him anymore , and had moved on . But it all had come rushing back today . These criminals had murdered his father and were now talking about it as if it was nothing ! How could someone be so cold blooded ? Did these people have no sense of humanity ? ? The shouting voice of the ACP brought him back to the room . " Get out of my office ! ! Get out right now ! ! Or I will kill you ! ! " The ACP had gone red with anger . He looked as if he would go into a fit anytime . Thankfully , two hawaldars came in hearing the voices and forced the two brothers out of his office . The ACP looked rattled . For a moment he even forgot that Rajat was standing in there this whole time . When he did realize this , he assured Rajat that he will look into his complaint and asked him to leave . Rajat didn 't tell him that they had been talking about his father , about murdering his father . He was walking but couldn 't feel his legs . He mind was a total blank . That day , he didn 't return to his office . He went back home . He wasn 't sure if would be able to work after hearing this news . His wife kept asking him why he seemed so quiet and disturbed , but he lied . He didn 't want to shock the whole family . The next day he went to work . His boss called him and asked him what happened with the ACP . He simply replied that the ACP had assured him personally about his safety . " I had told you , " he said , " The ACP is a great man . No normal man can grow so fast in an organisation if he doesn 't perform exceptionally well . " Rajat just smiled and went back . He decided to do a background check on the ACP . He had many of his father 's friends still working in the Police . Subsequently , he came to know that the ACP had started off as a sub inspector but quickly made his way up the ranks . He was famous for his contacts with the political class and he kept them happy by ignoring all the petty crimes that they committed . Rajat also found that he had been suspended by his father almost twenty years ago for accepting a bribe . Within a couple of days of the incident at the Police headquarters , Rajat was consumed with a new emotion . Anger . Rage filled every corner of his body . His father 's murderers were enjoying their life without a care for what it had been like for his family . There wasn 't anything that could be done to get justice . The case was almost two decades old . No lawyer would agree to fight for him . He didn 't have any evidence either . He was helpless . The pain of seeing his father 's murderers was killing him inside . That was it . That was the spark which had now turned in to a fire . A fire that was hell bent on destroying his father 's killers . They killed his father just because he was about to expose their misdeeds . Well , now it was time for payback . Yes . . he was going to kill them … ( to be continued . . ) I reached the bus stop at 8 o ' clock in the morning . The roads were empty except for a few joggers and morning walkers . Sudhir uncle had asked me to come by 10 but I couldn 't wait . I was desperate for help . Anjali was with Riya at the hospital and I had to get there soon , but after visiting Sudhir Uncle . He was my only hope . As I sat there waiting for the bus , a voice said behind me , " Hey , remember me ? " I turned around . It was Rohan . After so many years , it was a huge surprise , almost a shock to see him here standing in front of me . And then suddenly , I remembered the last time we had each other . It wasn 't a pleasant memory . I saw flashes of a fight . . and a broken nose . I saw him asking me to stop , asking why I was doing this . . I saw myself storming away . . I came back to the present . I was filled with guilt . I was ashamed of the memory . I found it difficult to look into his eyes . " Oh . . er . . hi Rohan ! " , I sheepishly replied , " Long time . . How are you ? " " I 'm good " , he replied . " What about you ? Navin had told me that you are working here in the same city , but I never expected to run into you . So how have you been ? " I was finding it very difficult to answer , and kept looking over his shoulder to see if the bus had come to save me . " Do you need to be somewhere ? " he asked , noticing my restlessness . " What ? . . er . . no , not really , just . . you know . . visiting a relative . . " , I said . " Listen . . If you have time , why don 't you come home with me ? I live nearby . Just for a little while , if it 's okay with you " , he offered . " Oh . . I don 't know , Rohan " , I said , once again searching for a bus . " Don 't worry " , he said , " I 'll drop you to your relative 's place . It 's been so long since we have met , Sandeep " . He kept asking me to come , and the bus was nowhere to be seen . So finally I relented , as there were almost 2 hours to go till 10 . We walked to his car and got in . " So , how have you been ? " Rohan asked , as he started driving . " I am fine . Just been busy with work , u know . . NicWe had reached Rohan 's home . As we entered , Rohan introduced me to his wife Priyanka . " Rohan has told me so much about you . You star in almost all of his best college experiences , " she said . Hearing that just increased my guilt even more . Rohan asked me to have some breakfast with him . The more I spent time there , the more ashamed I was of myself . It was getting too much for me , just like the way I felt when I had found out the truth . Rohan wasn 't an affair with Neha . It was he who had talked her into going on a date with me . That 's why she had come to me and apologized . He never told me this and I never even bothered to find out why Neha would so suddenly changed her mind about me . And that day in the classroom , Neha had called Rohan to thank him for convincing her to go out with me . She had called him to tell him that she had started to fall in love with me . Rohan did everything for me . . and in return I had broken his nose and left him bleeding on the floor . Neha told me all this the day I last spoke to her , when I met her 3 yrs later at a common friend 's wedding . She had come with her husband . That day after the fight , I never talked to Rohan or Neha . Neha left me , actually . I got into some bad company and never paid attention to studies . Rohan got into a big software firm , while I didn 't do well in my final exams and didn 't get a good job . We went our separate ways . Remembering all this in the house of the person I betrayed was too much for me . I broke down completely , right there at their breakfast table . I couldn 't bear it anymore . " I 'm so sorry , Rohan . . I 'm so sorry for what I did to you . . You were my best friend and I treated you like this . . I don 't deserve a friend like you . . I really don 't . . " " Sandeep , " Rohan said , teary - eyed himself , " That day when you hit me , it wasn 't my nose which hurt me , it was the fact that you never bothered to ask what was happening . I tried to tell you but you never listened . But then , Sandeep , even today you are the best friend that I have everPosted by

I told you I would make you laugh , but then I realized that maybe you and I don 't have the same sense of humor . Either way , these are the parts that make me laugh . The crazy parts of labor that I 'm sure almost any mother could relate to . There is beauty in childbirth , I really believe that . The ' delivery ' part is absolutely incredible … the ' labor ' part , not so much . There we were in that same hospital room and the doctor returned . We gave her the go ahead to break my water . In just a few moments I went from being so very afraid to so very grossed out . It felt like I 'd peed my pants . Fifteen thousand times the normal pee , and there stood a nurse and a doctor and my sweet husband watching me do it . Oh I was so embarrassed . They tell you when you 're pregnant that water breaking is different for different women . Some women barely notice their water breaking and for others it 's like Niagara Falls . I 'm not sure if the hook thing the doctor used had anything to do with it , but it was surely Niagara Falls for me . My sweet husband got me out of bed to clean up , and the nurse lady changed the sheets . I wondered why they didn 't break my water somewhere other than the sheets of the bed , but who was I to question . I did get up and I made the mistake of looking back at the bed . Don 't look back , that 's my advice . Apparently our sweet little Hannah had decided to go the bathroom , number two , while on the inside and that was the most disgusting thing I 'd ever seen . I got cleaned up , the bed was fresh and clean . Then I sat back down on the bed . Apparently there can be a round two . Niagara Falls take two . I was so confused . Up we went back to the bathroom to clean up . And I asked the poor nurse to change the sheets again . I know that 's gross . It 's just my fair warning to all the other expectant moms who didn 't know . I had no idea . I 'm so glad I didn 't think it would be fun at that time to have other people in the room ! After all the waterworks we settled back into bed . They put down a protective layer on the sheets and we were good to go . I felt like a four year old who still wets the bed , wait , make that a twenty - six - year - old . But I was once again comfortable and waiting on the next contraction . Then the contraction hit . And they had warned me that the contractions would feel stronger once the bag of water wasn 't there to cushion things . They were right . Contractions started to get much stronger . I was glad though , that meant things were working , we 'd be progressing . A few hours later I wasn 't so happy about the progress . The pain was increasing and the contractions didn 't let up . I 've heard that Pitocin can often intensify contractions beyond what normal labor would cause when given in high doses . I 'm no doctor , so I can 't confirm that , but let 's just say we were up there in the Pitocin numbers because the goal at the hospital was just to get the baby out . My original plan was to have a natural unmedicated birth . Kyle even knew the ' no ' list in case I looked crazy and no one in the hospital would take my word on anything . No Pitocin , no pain medicines , no epidural . I 'd explained to him that if we 'd want to go natural with no pain meds and no epidural that avoiding Pitocin would be critical . But plans change . Our plans had already changed so much in that hospital . I was ready with my Bible verses about the Lord 's sustaining strength in difficulty ; I had my playlist to remind me of the Lord 's goodness in adversity . I knew the breathing , the relaxing , and the stretching exercises we had practiced . But we 'd lost our baby girl . I was grieving the loss of my daughter and all the strength I had left was grieving . All the mental capacity I had was getting me through the pain of loss , I had none left to get me through the pain of childbirth . I feel like I 'm somehow making excuses , like I need to justify my decisions , but I needed every moment in that room that I could slightly control to be wonderful . And I looked at my husband and I said , ' babe , I can 't do it . I can 't do all of it , all of this at once . I can 't convince myself that no medications or no epidural are better for the baby because she 's already gone . And we already have so much medicine in me . ' And of course he hugged me , he supported me , and let 's just be honest I think he wanted me to get the pain medication the whole time . So I quickly followed up with , ' next time though , next time when there 's not all of this , I 'm going to do it , just not today . ' So we had the nurse come in and tell us about our pain control options . We had two options : a medicine called stadol or an epidural . Everything in me wanted to avoid the epidural so we decided to go with the stadol . They said the stadol would last for about an hour and that it might make me a little sleepy . We decided we could try it for one hour and if we didn 't like it , we wouldn 't get it again the next hour . And let me tell you now that I don 't recommend it , if there had been a live baby in my body when they gave me that drug I would have been worried sick about what could have been happening to her . But at the time , there was no baby to worry about , so instead we tried it . Let me start off by saying that I don 't do drugs . I 've never done drugs . Some people have and they change and that 's their past , their testimony . But that 's not me . I 'm the girl who won 't take medicine when she has a headache . My mom said she used to try to get us to take doctor recommended medicines when we were younger and that we 'd pull her aside and remind her that the DARE officer told us to ' Say No to Drugs . ' My poor mom . Anyway , the only other time I 'd had any heavy medication was when I got my wisdom teeth out , they gave me some medication during surgery and it made me so sick that I never even opened the bottle of painkillers they had prescribed . Maybe that 's why I wasn 't all about the labor medicines . But they said the stadol would help , so we said yes . Then the young nurse assistant - ish lady came in to give me the stadol and I asked her about the medicine . Her response was , ' most people don 't like it . Makes you feel drunk . ' I wasn 't impressed . Our other nurses were the best people I 'd ever laid eyes on , but this one must have been the medicine lady or something but she was different . After her comment I worried as she gave me the medicine through my IV , I watched her and I freaked out when I saw bubbles in the tube . Apparently that 's okay , unlike in the movies , but she scared me a little . Either way , as she put the medicine in she said , ' you may start feeling it in a few minutes . ' I didn 't get a few minutes . It was instant . Instantly the room started spinning , and at the time I didn 't think it was funny at all . Now though , we laugh about it . The room started spinning and immediately I had to close my eyes and lay my head down . I tried a few seconds later to open my eyes again and decided quickly that was a bad decision . Kyle was sitting next to me and I tried so hard to tell him I wanted ice chips , but I couldn 't get the words out . My thoughts were going so fast jumping from one thought to the other that I was getting frustrated that I kept forgetting the word for ice and I couldn 't communicate . Kyle later said I was crazy . I was apparently saying words like ' Kyle ' ' ice ' ' elephants ' ' dancers ' ' Kyle . ' That 's not a sentence . That 's not natural . I felt like I was in that creepy scene of Dumbo with all the bubbles and elephants . Mind you , I 've never been drunk before and this whole thing sure didn 't make me want to try it . The hour was long , I 'm sure Kyle was quite entertained . The bad part was that the pain never went away . It 's like the medicine just made me crazy , maybe it was supposed to distract me from the pain , or make me unable to remember it , but it didn 't lessen the pain one bit . I 'm not sure why anyone would ever , knowing the effects of that medicine , choose it in childbirth . I later read the side effects and warnings of this stadol and it says to let the doctor know if you 're hallucinating or dizzy . Yep , didn 't know that was a bad thing , they weren 't too concerned . But in an hour I was fine , the drug was slowly wearing off . And we decided we didn 't want any of that ever again . So we went back to breathing through contractions , which remember I had to do during the stadol anyway . I was glad my body was working to push the baby out , but the pain did get greater . It got to a point that I was exhausted and I couldn 't do it . I reminded Kyle , and I told him we 'd need the epidural . But I again reminded him , that I was encouraged that it wasn 't as bad as I thought and that I knew that next time , when we had a baby that was alive , I could do it . I was proud of myself for making it so far , but I knew that my heart couldn 't remember the agony of pain , I just wanted to remember with smiles any moments we had left with our baby girl . So they called the epidural man , they call him the anesthesiologist , but I was just glad when he got there . He was quick and it was painless and by the very next contraction they had to tell me from the reading on the paper that I was having a contraction . It was wonderful . I could also feel and move my legs and I told the man that and he explained that they shouldn 't ever give me enough medicine to make my legs unable to move , just enough so the contractions weren 't painful . That was one of my fears with the epidural , so I liked this man . I was okay with that . He also explained to me that the epidural space in your back in shaped in such a way that gravity affects an epidural . If you 're sitting up the medicine drips down the space faster making it less effective on the upper part of the abdomen . He told me this in case my contractions were high and told me to fix the problem I 'd just need to recline . Nice man , I 'm sure all the mothers love him . It 's funny how things went back to normal so quickly . The pain was gone and I was very tired . I didn 't calculate it at the time but it was Monday night and I 'd had less than two hours of sleep since Sunday morning . I 'd been up for almost 36 hours straight at that point . By the time we 'd really sleep again , even if only for two more hours , I 'd have been awake for over fifty . So I laid down to sleep . They turned out our lights and the room was quiet . Friends and family filled the hallway , but we rested . Or at least we tried . When I closed my eyes I was so scared . I was so scared to miss one moment of this , because we had so little time before it would all be over . Forty weeks of anticipation and Hannah 's life would not begin at this hospital because it had already ended . More than that I think I was afraid that if I slept and I woke up that I 'd know this wasn 't just a nightmare , but that I 'd be sure it was real . I didn 't want it to be real , I didn 't want this to be our new life . I think I also felt a little guilty , that our daughter had died and I wanted to rest instead of weep for her . But I did cry . And I laid there in that bed for a long time without sleeping . I was exhausted but I was too scared , and my broken heart wouldn 't let me sleep . Kyle woke up and checked on me . He left the room to take care of a few things and my dad came in . Later I would find out that my dad had been pacing the halls wishing he could do something . Wishing he could fix everything . They say men have a distinctive drive that makes them want to fix things , it was there in that hospital that remembered I was once his baby girl just like Hannah was Kyle 's . I would do anything for our daughter , and I realized my dad would do anything for me . I first understood that he hurt as he grieved the loss of his first granddaughter , but more than that I think he hurt because he saw how much I was hurting . Apparently when Kyle walked out of the hospital room , my dad jumped at the opportunity to come in and take care of me . He came in and offered me water or ice . I told him I was tired . And you know what he did , he sat down on the stool next to my bed and he held my hand . And I slept . Because with my dad there holding my hand I could finally sleep , I was finally not scared to sleep . I 'd be in and out of sleep and I 'd wake up scared and then I 'd feel his hand still holding mine and I could fall back asleep . He sat on the most uncomfortable chair in the room for what seemed like hours and watched me sleep , when I know he was tired himself . I have the best dad , the very best one . I 'll never forget that . The rest did us much good . We had a number of evening visitors and I was glad to see them when I woke . We had friends bring flowers and take pictures with us . Kyle 's family arrived and his sister brought us flowers too . It once again felt like a party in our room , it felt like a ' normal delivery ' like people were there to congratulate us on the birth of our baby . It was nice . In the middle of all the visitors , however , my physical pain started to return . I could feel contractions very strongly on my left side . Not only that but my right leg was so numb that my hand brushed across it in the bed and I wondered what that was I felt in the bed with me . It was my own leg . I got a bit worried , so we called the nurse . The whole gravity spiel from the anesthesiologist wasn 't a joke , and it worked in more ways than one . Since I had been sleeping on my right side the medicine was all going to my right side , none really to the left . So we propped me and my dead numb leg up on my left side to even things back out . It took a few minutes , but then we were all okay . I decided to quit rolling around after that . Then we rested . We knew what was coming . We knew that birth was coming and we 'd been excited about it for so long . We 'd finally get to see our baby girl . But we also knew there would be pain , to look at your daughter and see that she 's gone . To hold her and see that she was so very perfect but that she was still gone . To see how big she was and how close we were to life with Hannah , but to know that was it , it would all end here . The Lord was with us . I told you I had lists of Bible verses with me for my fight with the epidural . I told you I had playlists ready to sing truth to us in labor . And now I knew why the Lord had prepared my heart . This time , it was more than the epidural , it was for the Lord to remind me that he is our pain control he is our comfort even in life 's hardest moments . I prepared those scriptures knowing they were true . I sang those songs in the weeks before Hannah was born and I knew they were true . So after all this , I could stand on the knowledge that my God is good , because I knew it even before . John 16 : 33 I have said these things to you , that in me you may have peace . In the world you will have tribulation . But take heart ; I have overcome the world . I brought them to the hospital with us , not knowing how it would all end . I 've looked at them on that mirror and read them for almost six hundred days , the Lord was preparing my heart . How is that for a big God ? Our God is big , and He is good . He is very good . This is the story of the life and loss of our sweet baby girl Hannah Grace . It 's a long story , this is the third part . If you 'd like to read the first and second parts and you haven 't already . You can find them here . Filling the Room Kyle and I were alone in that dark hospital room , but soon the morning would come where His mercies are new . The light would flood the windows and our friends and family would flood our room . The room would be filled with tears , with sorrow , but most of all with encouragement , smiles , joy , and laughter . I 've never been more thankful for community in my life , oh how the Lord knew we would need these people . But it started out dark . Just a few moments after they started the medicines we heard a knock on the door . It was one of the nurses and she had come with the news of our first visitor . It was my dear sweet friend Katie , it was the ' nurse friend ' I 'd called in the middle of the night only hours before . Since that phone call she had been awake , she had been praying , and she came to us once she found out our baby was gone . The nurse said , ' you have a friend outside , her name is Katie , she said to let her know if you need anything at all , but until then she just wanted me to let you know that she 's here , waiting , just in case you need her . ' I remember telling Kyle that I would love to see her , but that I needed anyone who came into our room to know that I couldn 't hear the words ' I understand . ' Not yet . I couldn 't bear to hear that someone else thought they could understand what we were going through , I didn 't think I could handle it . Our pain was so real and fresh and I didn 't want anyone to pretend , I didn 't want anyone to tell me I couldn 't hurt . My perspective would change soon , but at that moment I needed the pain to be only ours . But with Katie I did not worry that she would try to preach to us , I did not worry that she would say a thing wrong . I just wanted to hug her . And so she came in and she looked at me with her mother - eyes and I could tell she was hurting for us , but that she had hope for us too . And she hugged me and I didn 't let go of her for a while . It 's like her eyes said ' I understand , and I 'm hurting with you ' in the most genuine way and that 's exactly what my heart needed . She asked if she could do anything for us and then I remembered that we 'd need our bags . The bags we packed and put in the car just in case our baby was on the way . Now she was on her way , and even though we wouldn 't need much of what was in the bag anymore , we 'd need the bag . I hated to ask Katie to get it from our car , but I couldn 't bear the thought of Kyle leaving me for one moment . And so she did , she got our bag and then I 'm not sure where she went . I don 't know if she waited , I don 't know if she left , but she was exactly what I had needed . A blessing from the Lord . Then again in the dark of the room it was just me and Kyle . I remember needing to get up from the bed but being attached to so many wires that the nurse had to help us . She motioned Kyle over to the side of the bed with the IV pole and said ' okay dad , we 're gonna need you over here . ' She called him dad . It was like it was routine , I 'm sure in Labor and Delivery they say mom and dad quite often when referring to the patients in the room . And I went along with everything to get me out of bed , but I was thinking . It was the first time I wondered if we could still call ourselves mom and dad . Kyle wanted to be a dad so badly , I wanted to make all his dreams come true . It broke my heart to think our baby girl wouldn 't call him dad forever . So I 'm glad the nurse did . He was a wonderful dad . And after thinking , I knew that Kyle was still a dad and that brought tears to my eyes . I decided to tell Kyle about the ' dad ' statement and that only made us cry more . I remember that I kept saying , ' we were so close , ' to our due date and ' but on Thursday she was okay . ' And we cried a million tears . And let me tell you we went through two boxes of those hospital - grade tissues in a matter of minutes . We decided that we 'd need a friend to bring us better tissues , preferably Puffs Plus with Lotion , those are Kyle 's favorite . And we lightened the mood a bit by talking about how the hospital should buy better tissues for times like these . And since then we 've talked about starting a service or a ministry of some sort that makes sure mommas and daddies who lose their sweet babies can get better tissues in the hospital . We think that would be nice . As the night still kept away morning , our next visitors were arriving . Without much family in this small town , our friends here have become the family we all need . And at that moment , that family walked in . The guys went straight to Kyle and I remember the girls pausing at the door for a moment , looking at me with those same understanding eyes that Katie had . Jill had the eyes of a mother who had been through this very same thing and somehow made it out alive ; and Tamara the eyes of a mother still carrying her firstborn , who had hoped our babies would grow up together . They looked at me and then ran to my side and we cried . We hugged and we cried and then I understood why people cry with you . The pain was not just ours , Jill would later tell me that they mourned with us because they too knew Hannah , they too awaited her arrival with the greatest expectation , they too cried with us because they knew how much we wanted to meet our little girl . And the girls sat on my bed and we cried . And I looked up and I told them how thankful I was for them , as horrible as it seems I was thankful that Jill had been through this and then I was thankful that Tam still had a healthy baby on the way . Just reminders that the Lord is good in so many different ways . The room slowly turned from sorrow to joy as we spoke of the hope the Lord had given us . As we told stories about the barbeque place across the street from the hospital and the most recent happenings of our small town the room filled with life . There was life beyond this room , but there was much love in it . Our friends stayed with us for hours , others came in and I think they were shocked at times to be entering a room filled with laughter when something so horrible had happened . So many people filled that room and I then realized why they had moved us to the more ' spacious ' hospital room . Because maybe , just maybe they knew that more than we 'd need rest or quiet , that we 'd need people and laughter . Stories were told about crazy dress - up karaoke nights , parents jokingly debated who had the best science fair project for their third grader , and times were remembered when things weren 't so very sad . It was a most wonderful distraction , but more than that it was a reminder that the Lord will provide for us in ways we may have never imagined . I would never have told you I 'd want to laugh about a crazy cow costume mere hours after we lost our baby girl , but we did . The nurses came in and I felt for them . Sometimes we were laughing and sometimes we were crying . And some of the nurses didn 't know what to say , and I understand because even after going through it I still wouldn 't know what to say . But one nurse came in when the room had gotten silent , more than likely after someone had prayed for us , those were the hardest times because we 'd remember what was happening . But one of the nurses came in and instead of the usual ' how are you ? ' she asked ' tree up yet ? ' And I was completely confused . I had no idea where there was a tree and why it would be here in my hospital room and why it wouldn 't be ' down . ' And then I remembered it was Christmas , and she was asking about our Christmas tree . I gave her a quick yes , and then she started telling the most awkward stories about her kids and her grandkids and her Christmas tree . It wasn 't the time or place for her to complain about her crazy kids , and as she kept going on and on I tried my best not to laugh or to pretend to fall asleep so she 'd leave , but she just kept going . And I will never forget it , because we laughed so hard after she left the room . I 'll never forget her name , although I 'll not spill that here , but we 'd be telling her story to visitor after visitor all day and we 'd keep laughing . She was great , and I 'll be honest , it sounds like a story someone I suppose will tell about me some day . As the day went on we 'd look at the little paper reading coming out of the machine monitoring my contractions . They were at times ' off the chart ' and my girlfriends were super impressed that I didn 't feel anything yet . I assured them that they must continually recalibrate the machine as the contractions get stronger , because there was no way the contractions I was feeling were the strongest possible . Turns out I was right , they 'd come in and re - zero the machine every few hours . But I was glad they started the machine out making my husband think I was so very tough . The sun filled the windows as friend filled our room . Soon my parents would arrive and fill the room with even more love . I 'm not sure I 've ever felt so loved before . There were such good times in that room . And I 'm glad because I hope someday I get to return to that room and have a baby who lives and I pray I 'm not scared to enter the room . I pray I 'm not scared because I remember the love in that room more than the pain . Hours ticked by and the contractions were still quite tolerable . Apparently the contractions weren 't doing us much good . I was dilated 3 centimeters at my last OB appointment and after hours on the Pitocin I was still at 3 centimeters . I had barely noticed the contractions , so I was not surprised that they weren 't doing anything . I remember the doctor coming in to talk to me about my progress , or lack thereof . At that time she recommended that we break my water . I remember starting to cry when she said that . Kyle saw me and told her we 'd need a minute . I looked at Kyle and told him how scared I was , this entire day the Pitocin was just ' getting things started ' and that we could laugh with friends and almost pretend like this never happened . But to break my water meant we were on a time schedule , it meant things would surely be happening , it meant we would finally know that our baby was gone . The faster my labor went , the sooner our baby girl wouldn 't be a part of me anymore , the sooner she would be gone from our arms forever . I wasn 't ready for that yet . But my husband is so very wise and he reminded me that we couldn 't put it off forever . He reminded me of the hours we 'd been there already . And he reminded me that our little girl was really already gone . And that man was there for me , ready to take care of me , reminding me of the Lord 's truths constantly , and willing to make me face my fears because he loves me that much . Oh I fell so much deeper in love with Kyle Hess in that moment . When the doctor returned we asked her to explain everything to us . And then I told her that I was scared , and before I could finish she told me that it wouldn 't hurt at all . And then I corrected her and told her that I was not scared of the physical pain , but to finally hold my baby girl and see that she was really gone . The doctor was so kind . Oddly enough our doctor on call that day had been my doctor at my appointment just a few days before when my usual doctor was out . The exam she had done that day in the office was quite painful and I started crying right there in her office . As we talked about my birth preferences , I remember her words hurting so badly . She didn 't say anything wrong , I just remember being scared for the first time about labor , about everything that would happen , and being worried that I wouldn 't be able to do it . She told me that she didn 't want to leave me in the office still crying , but I told her I would just need a moment . I left the office that day still crying , the last time she saw me I was crying walking down the hallway of her office . And now this . I had worried that day in the office that she 'd be the one on call when we had the baby , that for some reason I didn 't trust her . Turns out she was on call the day we had the baby , and I 'll tell you now I 'd trust that woman with my life . It was interesting the way the Lord used that time in our hospital room to teach us , to bless us , to comfort us . I 'm forever grateful to the Lord for all those moments in the hospital . The Lord really did teach us so much . He is good Psalm 145 : 9 . His love never fails 1 Chronicles 16 : 34 . He is our comfort 2 Corinthians 1 : 3 - 4 . He is our hope Psalm 39 : 7 . He provides for us Philippians 4 : 19 . All of those things were still true , all of those things I 'd read and believed before were still true . I 'd never second guessed them before , but I could see how people would think something as heartbreaking as losing your firstborn would make you doubt . But in those moments in that room the Lord made himself more clear than I 'd ever seen him . He was good to us , his love was there , he was our comfort , he was our peace and our hope . It 's hard to explain feeling love through such sorrow , but that 's the Lord . He 's sometimes hard to explain . This part is a sad one , I 'll warn you . But I will promise you there is hope in this story , there is goodness , there is , like in the meaning of Hannah 's name , grace , mercy , and surely favor from God . And I promised that I 'd make you laugh , and I hope I make you smile . . . but it may not be just yet . If you 'd like to read the other parts to Hannah 's story and you haven 't already . You can find them here . There are moments that no one should ever have to live through , I believe losing a child is one of those moments . I wish in some ways I could accurately describe the way it feels , the way it hurts so deep to your soul when they tell you your child is gone . But then I think if I could write in such a way that you could really feel it , no one would ever read it . I 'd have to hide it away forever because no one should ever have to feel that pain . Little did we know when I woke up that Sunday morning what we 'd be going through in the hours that followed . Sunday morning we sat in our little Sunday School class and I remember poking my stomach and turning to Kyle saying , ' I don 't think she moved around a lot this morning . ' Honestly I couldn 't remember , I had been too busy checking for the store hours of our local baby store so we could buy her baby book that afternoon . Our sweet girl was an early bird , we 'd often sleep in just a bit on the weekends and by the time we 'd wake she 'd be asleep already . Sometimes she 'd dance once we got to the church service and heard the music , but not today . I 'd heard , ' delivery must be close if the baby 's resting that much … baby must be storing up energy for a delivery soon ! ' By the time we headed to lunch I was concerned . We played music in the car and I poked her a good bit . I could feel her little feet , but I could not get her to kick back . Then just as we were waiting to turn left into our lunch destination , she moved . She turned quite a bit . I yelled , ' woah Kyle did you see that ? ' And we rested easy that our sweet girl was just tired but surely fine . Looking back I wonder if she really did move or if that was her body rolling from all my poking , not full of life , but just turning inside me . We went to lunch where I made sure to ask the lady behind the counter to heat my lunch meat to steaming hot . Didn 't want anything happening to my baby girl so close to delivery . The sandwich was served with cold lunch meat , and yep , like the great momma I am I sent that thing right back . No toxoplasmosis for me . If only I 'd known what the night would bring . We made it to the store to buy the perfect baby book ; I wanted to make sure we had a book so they could put her footprints right in the book once the big day came . I wanted to make sure all the visitors had a place to sign in and write their words of joy . After the store we went to enjoy our last movie at the theater before the impending due date . We stopped by to pick up my last Christmas gift for my sister and we headed home . After dinner I expected our little girl to be her active nighttime self again . I drank some cold water , laid down on my side , nothing yet . We were tired so we went to bed early , and I woke up at about midnight . The next twenty - four hours would change our lives forever . Really the next 3 hours would change our lives just as much . I got up . Kyle woke . I looked up what to do if you think you 're baby 's not moving . I called my nurse friend and I called the doctor . As we waited for the doctor to return our call I ate a cold grape pop ice . I laid on my side . I walked around . I drank cold water . I drank an entire bottle of Mountain Dew for the sugar and caffeine and even ate half a chocolate bar . The doctor returned our call and told us to eat more sugar , drink caffeine and see if we got any results . She assured me that the hospital wouldn 't mind if we wanted to come in . She said they 'd hook me and baby up and monitor us for about an hour just to make sure things were okay . I knew I 'd be the woman who goes in and gets sent home soon because nothing 's actually wrong . Oh how I wish I 'd been right … We arrived at the hospital and went to the Labor & Delivery floor as instructed , only to be sent back to the ER . We got checked in , and all the while I felt so silly for going all the way to the hospital for ' something so small . ' Kyle was the real reason we were there , he was the one that said , ' let 's just go and get checked , so we don 't sit here and worry . ' Oh I am so grateful for him suggesting we go in the middle of the night . Had we waited until the next morning I would have always wondered ' what if we had gone last night ? Would it have turned out differently ? ' They wheeled me up to Labor & Delivery and I felt so silly riding in that wheel chair . We went in a room and I put on a gown and I laid down in the hospital bed . It all felt so official , when I thought it would be just a quick visit . The nurse started asking me admission questions . The other nurse picked up the fetal monitor and started to scan my belly . They had done it a million times before in the doctor 's office , but this machine looked a little different . As they scanned over my belly the nurse said , ' I think I have a heartbeat but it 's not tracking , ' and I was so relieved . Only later I would find out that what we 'd heard was my heartbeat , not the baby 's . And the nurse continued to scan as I continued to answer admission questions . The first nurse got a second nurse to help . The second nurse had no luck and got a third nurse . We talked to the nurses about where we were from and how we got to East Texas . We mentioned Sky Ranch and realized that we had a great friend in common with the nurse on duty . The nurse scanning my belly said they were calling the doctor to come with the ultrasound machine . And the whole time I wasn 't , for some reason , concerned . The nurse asked if she could keep scanning my belly until the doctor got there , said she didn 't want to give up and wait just yet . I kept thinking that this machine was not working right , that the nurses didn 't really know what they were doing ; I had no idea . I told her to keep checking as I told a story about football . I explained how even when my team is down by a quite a few touchdowns and there are just a few seconds left on the clock I always keep cheering for my team . I had no idea that while I was talking football that she knew . She knew , the other nurses knew , Kyle later said that he just knew . He asked me if he could text a few people to pray for us , I thought we could wait until the doctor had more news . But still he knew , he already had people praying for us . The doctor came in and pulled out the very familiar ultrasound machine . I remember that it seemed so late at night , the doctor had on a pair of thick - rimmed glasses I 'd never seen her wear , her hair pulled up because we 'd woken her from sleep . She was so calm as she scanned my belly . She had us watch the screen as she described the image as she went from showing us the brain to the shoulders and then down to the chest . I saw our little girl 's spine , she was so still . Then she pointed and said , ' this is her heart . ' It wasn 't moving . It wasn 't beating . And only then did I know . She quickly used an infrared scan to double check as I realized for the very first time what was happening . I looked her in her eyes through her thick rimmed - glasses and she nodded her head . She stopped scanning and I knew . Oh I will never forget that moment . It felt as if someone pulled my heart from my chest . I felt like my soul was wrenched from my body , and I screamed . It 's a sound I 've only heard once before . It was the very same sound I remember hearing years ago in early December . The night they told my mother her father had died , I was upstairs and I heard her scream . It 's the song of a heart in distress , a mother 's love , the only sound I can imagine when a mother loses her sweet baby girl . After screaming I yelled at the doctor in desperation , ' are you sure ? Are you sure ! ? ' but I knew . And she nodded again , and I knew we 'd lost our sweet baby girl . Oh I was so helpless , they were supposed to send me home like a silly first time mom who ran to the hospital when everything was okay . They were supposed to tell me that they had to give me some kind of crazy medicine or that we 'd need to run to emergency surgery . There were supposed to be options . But there were no options . It was already done , she was already gone . Kyle was right there . And we cried , our hearts cried and my sweet husband just held me as we realized what was happening . It was like a nightmare , I was shaking asking if this was really real . If this was all really happening to us . There in that room I knew I needed to call my mother , I needed to call my mom and dad . They needed to be on their way , I needed them . And telling someone would help me to understand that this was happening , that this was real . I started to call my mother and then I stopped . I needed to make sure my dad was with her when she found out . I needed him to be there for her like I had needed Kyle to be with me . My dad works shift work so at times he 's working in the middle of the night , but I needed him to be there . I called him first . I think about what he must have thought when he got a call from me in the middle of the night when I was so close to my due date . I keep wondering if he thought he was getting the call that his very first granddaughter was on her way . He had no idea what I was about to tell him . He answered said he was at work but about to get off and head home and I told him that we were at the hospital like Kyle had told him a few minutes earlier . He asked if everything was okay and I said no . He asked me what was happening and I couldn 't bear to tell him . I just said it 's not good . I couldn 't bear to say ' she 's dead . ' And then he asked me , " Brittany did she pass ? " and I cried and I said ' yes . ' And I remember he said , ' oh no , Brittany , no no no . ' And then I told him that I hadn 't told mom yet and I that I needed him to be home when I told her . Then we waited for his long drive home , I wanted to tell my mother . Once the truth set in we asked the doctor about our options . What was to be next ? They told us they would start me on Pitocin to induce labor . They offered the option of going home and returning in the morning to start my labor , but they recommended I just stay . I 'm not sure what going home would have done . We wouldn 't have rested , we could have only cried . When she said labor I realized what was to come . Our baby was gone but I 'd still have to labor , I 'd still have to go through the pain of pushing her out knowing that she 'd never cry . It was terrible , it was a horrible thing to think I 'd be here , they 'd monitor my contractions , we 'd push and we 'd get no prize . I remember that long ago I read something and I don 't remember where , but it was about how the labor and delivery nurses could always motivate the mothers by saying ' do it for your baby , ' but that in situations like these they had no prize to offer . How had I become one of those mothers ? How was this really happening to us ? They moved us down the hall to a larger room . They said it was so we 'd be more comfortable , but Kyle later wondered if it was because my cries of loss would disturb the other happy families . The room was larger but it was missing one item all the other rooms had : the baby crib . They wouldn 't need the little baby life machine because our baby had no life left . They brought in the medicines we 'd need , they brought in the monitors , and they brought in the ultrasound machine . I had asked them to check one more time just to make sure . I knew she was gone but I just wanted to make sure . I had prayed so hard that it was a mistake , that they 'd find a heartbeat this time , that I would wake up from the nightmare that was becoming our reality . Same results . No life left . So they hooked me up to the IV pole and they started my fluids and my Pitocin . We would need to convince my body to give up the baby , and so Pitocin , the drug I had learned to despise throughout my pregnancy research was going to help us . They hooked up the monitor and there was only one monitor . Usually there are two : one for the baby 's heartbeat and one for the mother 's contractions ; we 'd only need one . Before they started the drip of Pitocin I had one question . Would anything they were going to do hurt the baby , like if for some reason she was still okay , would any of this hurt her ? And they said no that everything would be the same as a normal induction , and they said it in the kindest way possible knowing that I was still a mother that held on to the last bit of hope that maybe her baby would be okay . Oh I prayed . As we watched the medicines drip , my dad called . He was now at home with my mom , and he put my mom on the phone and I knew I was about to break her heart . I can 't remember the words I said but I remember the sound of her reply . It was the same cry I 'd heard once before . And I cried with her . Through the tears we decided they would come to us , they would get in the car within a few minutes and they would be there in a few hours . I told them to drive safe , I made sure they were driving safe , because I couldn 't bear to lose anyone else . And then there we were , just me and Kyle sitting in the room where we were supposed to become a family of three , knowing now it was just the two of us . It was so dark that night . It was so dim in the room and we cried and Kyle and I held each other . We were so alone , but one of us started to mention a peace that we felt . We both felt it . It was the ' peace that passes understanding ' we 'd sung about as a child and read about in Philippians 4 : 7 as adults : and the peace of God , which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus . At the moments that were tearing our life apart we felt the Lord 's peace . I could never explain it , it made no sense to feel such a peace in such heartache , it was only God . We knew that the Lord was still sovereign and that he was good and that he knew about all this before the world was made . And through tears we kept telling each other ' we 're going to be okay , we 're going to make it , God is good . ' Posted by I long to write our story . It is a good story . It is a story of the Lord 's sovereignty when the world can only ask ' why ? ' It 's a story of the Lord 's goodness when all the world can see is the sudden end to our sweet girl 's life . It 's a story of the Lord 's peace when we lacked any morsel of understanding . It 's a story of the Lord 's plans when all my plans seemed ruined . And it 's a story of the Lord 's strength ; when people have told us ' wow you are so strong ' I want them to know that all I am is weak , but that we have the Lord and He is strong . The story of our sweet girl Hannah Grace is one I 'll never forget . As the weeks pass and she fades from your memory , as the months pass and she is not my every waking thought , I want to make sure I remember her story . So I 'm writing . I long to fill pages with the incomprehensible joy , sadness , and laughter that has been the past year in our lives . I want to tell my story of becoming a mother for the very first time , even though my story doesn 't end like most . I still have a story to tell . I remember a friend telling me that after you lose a child , after you deliver a baby who has already left this world , after you lose your very first daughter that it 's hard to tell stories . Ladies gather in rooms while the husbands watch football and they talk about their kids , about their babies , about who got an epidural and who decided to breastfeed or use cloth diapers . She told me that you listen and you laugh , but you often don 't share your story . Because your pregnancy stories , your epidural stories , your baby stories , they end with loss . And as much as you smile and laugh as you speak of the awkward moments of labor everyone else gets quiet . Everyone else remembers your hurt and your pain and when it seems like the most polite thing they can do , to stop and remember your pain , all you wanted to do is share your story and have them laugh , too . My sweet baby girl has a story and so I 'm telling it here . And as you read you may laugh at things you never thought you 'd laugh at , you may cry about things you never wanted to imagine , but just don 't be too scared to read it . Don 't fall silent and pretend I 'm not a mother too . I feel as if I should start with the short version of the story . The part with the details people really want to know . I saw something the other day that said something along the lines of ' Obituaries would be more interesting if they told you how the person died . ' I used to laugh at that line but now it makes me just a bit sad . But it is true , people want to know what happened . I was also reading a book not too long ago that held me in suspense over multiple chapters at whether the author 's baby survived or not . I won 't do that to you now . It 's better that you know the short version ahead of time . My husband Kyle and I got pregnant in the spring of our 3rd year of marriage . We were expecting our sweet girl to arrive on Christmas Eve . She was healthy and happy all the time it seemed . The doctor kept saying ' she 's perfect ' again and again at her twenty - week ultrasound . And she was , she was perfect . After the showers were held and the maternity pictures taken , we prepared her nursery . We packed the hospital bag and we waited as the calendar said 38 weeks . And then one day I didn 't feel our baby girl moving . I did all the things the doctors say to do , but they didn 't work , she didn 't move . And we went to the hospital expecting to be turned away like anxious first - time parents , but we weren 't turned away . They told us our baby girl didn 't have a heartbeat . They prepared us for delivery where they found that she had a knot in her umbilical cord that had gotten too tight . Nothing we could have caused , nothing we could have prevented , nothing we could have known . She was perfect in every way except that she was lost , she had been trapped in my body with no way to breathe . We delivered our baby girl at 12 : 47 in the morning on a Tuesday . We have never seen anything so beautiful ; we have never experienced more joy . She was 8 pounds 3 ounces 21 . 5 inches long and she was in almost every way perfect . Except that she wasn 't breathing , her heart was not beating , and she didn 't cry like all babies do . We held our sweet girl knowing she was already with Jesus . And then we started our road to recovery . There has been great sadness , yet great joy . But that 's only the short version . I have been writing . Just not here . It seems like it would be so simple to post a few pictures of the new coat of paint on the headboard and pretend like nothing happened . But much has happened here at the Hess House . I 'm trying to put into words what has happened , but it takes me so much longer because I want to choose the perfect words . The perfect words to somehow tell you the story of the life and loss of our perfect , beautiful sweet baby girl Hannah Grace . So I 'm taking the time to write it slowly . I type a few words each day into the Word document that holds her story . I hope to share it with all of you someday so that you can experience the joy and great provision that was her short life . With her story there is also great sadness , but the sadness and depth of this sorrow has only made the Lord more beautiful , more precious to us in every moment . We have known the Lord like we may have never been able to otherwise . But I do want you to know a little about our sweet girl as you wait for me to write . She has been our great joy to know , to experience life with the 8lb 3oz baby girl that made me a mom for the very first time . And while I don 't quite have the words today , this is the letter we , her parents , wrote to those who attended her ' celebration of life ' funeral a few short weeks ago .

Nainital Naini TalMargaret Burnett The doorway to the guest house stayed dark and empty . A crow hopped awkwardly along the sloping roof , its feet scratching on the red corrugated iron . It gave a slow , drawn out caw like the creaking wheel of a bullock cart , which made me laugh . Then someone came and my heart jumped , but it was a bearer in his white uniform , tossing a grubby cloth over his shoulder . He stretched as he stepped into the early morning sun . ' Salaam ji , ' I said , going up to him . Being on holiday made me brave , made me different . He wasn 't even a bearer I knew , he must serve the tables at the far end of the dining room . He was young , with pock - marked plump cheeks and a thin moustache , and he smiled at me cheerfully . ' Oh , work , ' he said , still smiling , but with an air of conspiracy as if drawing me into his world . I was thrilled . People either treated me as if I was still a little girl , or solemnly , as if I was the same as Mum or Dad . Mum sometimes told people that I was twelve . I was so much taller than Indian girls my age , she said she felt embarrassed . But I was proud of being tall , like Dad . My best friend in school , Neela , was the shortest in the class and I was the tallest . We walked around holding hands and people laughed , but in a good way , they liked the picture we made . I was ten , really . I always felt naked and foolish when Mum said I was twelve , as if the person would be able to tell how old I was by looking at my face . My square face , according to Mum . I didn 't know if that was a good thing or not because when she said that to me , her eyes seemed unsure . I had brown eyes , like hers , and a small mouth and thick brown hair that people commented on , but I didn 't like the way people always noticed it . I parted it on the side , like Dad 's . Men parted theirs on the left . ' Why ? ' I asked Dad . ' I don 't know , ' he said . ' Maybe because when we look in the mirror what we see as the right is actually the left . ' I parted mine on the left too but maybe that was because I was left - handed . The bearer wandered off down the narrow gap by the side of the boarding house , taking a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket as he disappeared into the black shade of the mountainside . I turned around and went back to the chicken - wire fence and fiddled with broken wires . The air , fresh like water , smelled of wood smoke . Out there , hidden by the mountains , was the lake where Dad and I were supposed to be going riding . What was he doing ? We 'd had breakfast , there was nothing else left to do . I looked behind me at the guest house . Above it , the mountainside made a green line against the blue sky . I 'd go and get him . I would , I 'd go . I didn 't care if he got angry . I went inside . The dark dining room was in the centre of the building . All the rooms led off it , even the upstairs ones ; it had a balcony all the way around it and when people came out of their rooms upstairs , they often looked down at you and for a second you had a sense of the secrets behind the doors . The tables and chairs were empty and yet whenever I walked through the dining room it never felt empty , as if we left a part of ourselves behind in the chairs waiting for the next meal . Opening the door to our room , I was dazzled by the sudden brightness of it . The beds were unmade , and there was an after - breakfast feel of things not ready yet . Dad sat on the chair by the front window , the sun streaming in from behind him . His stern face was tense as he looked at Mum , his upper lip lifted in irritation over his slightly bucked teeth . His white , clean , long - fingered hands were poised on his thighs . Mum was standing by the row of unmade beds , Harriet 's T - shirt in her hand . Her chin was lifted towards him and her face was flushed . ' Don 't speak to me like that , ' she said . But there was weakness in the way she lifted her chin . I held on to the round handle of the door , willing her not to say anything else . ' Hmm ? ' Dad said . It was what he did when he didn 't like what she 'd just said , making her repeat it . His eyebrows were dark and heavy like a storm . Mum was wearing a little turquoise top and a flowered skirt that flowed lightly around her . She 'd done her make - up and put her rose in her dark brown hair and her ear below it was the same pink lightness of the cloth rose as it caught the sunlight . When President Kennedy had died last year , she showed me photos of it in a magazine . As we had stood on the green carpet in our whitewashed sitting room in Nagpur and looked at a picture of Mrs Kennedy , Mum said , ' Do you think I look like her ? ' And then the air became tight and uncomfortable , as if she 'd given too much away . She 'd closed the magazine quickly , before I could reply . Mum carried on dressing Harriet . ' I can do that , ' Harriet said , as she put her sandals on her skinny feet . But Mum ignored her , strapping them on tightly . ' Ow , ' Harriet said , but she always complained about everything . She picked up Harriet 's nightie from the floor and laid it under her pillow . She folded mine in a quick , sharp way that made me wonder what I 'd done wrong . She stood for a moment with it in her arms , unaware of it , frowning at the pillow . I wanted her to be aware , to move , to become lively again , full of her unexpectedness . It was frightening when she was like this , her face closed - down , shutting us out . Then , putting my nightie under my pillow , she sat on the edge of her bed . In my bare feet , I crossed the cool stone floor obediently and sat next to Harriet on the double bed . Dad didn 't like sharing a bed and so , to my disgust , I had to sleep with Harriet . Mum leaned her arms on her knees and held her elbows and bent towards us , making the space with us in it like a tent . I felt less worried , but even so , I turned to look at Dad . He was lifting his foot , putting his sandal on . He had thin feet like Harriet 's , long and white like his hands , as if they 'd never get dirty . ' Dad has been thinking for a long time about changing his job and has decided that that 's what he wants to do . He 's not going to be a doctor any more . He 's going to teach theology in a college . But that means that we 're going to have to move , leave Nagpur and go to another part of India , West Bengal , to a place called Vishnapur . ' Leave ? I knew that things like that happened - after all , we 'd left Pakistan to go to Nagpur , but that was so long ago that I 'd forgotten about it . And I had been too young to care . A coolie walked past our side window , talking to someone in a hoarse voice . It was a shock to hear him . I had completely forgotten about where we were , that we were in Naini Tal . We didn 't seem to be anywhere . ' Not for a little while yet . Dad has to study to brush up on his theology , he 'll need a year to do that , so we 're going to Scotland for that time . After that , we 'll go to Vishnapur . ' Brush up - that was what Dad said , not Mum . And Vishnapur - it sounded threatening , like a stranger that had come into our lives , full of meaning , demanding attention , taking me away from everything as if it suddenly had the right to do that . I turned behind me to look at Dad again . He was watching Mum , his face self - conscious and stiff . ' Do we have to ? ' I wanted to cry , but I was too old for that . ' Theology ? ' I asked instead . ' Yes , ' he said . His hands were between his legs and he rubbed his palms together , the way he did when he was interested in something , his face relaxing . ' About God . Teaching people to be ministers . Like I was taught , in fact . ' ' But , Fiona , ' Mum said , turning her body towards me , still with her elbows on her knees , bent low , still trying to reach me . She looked down at the stone floor and then at her bare feet , watching her wriggling stubby toes with their painted toe nails . Her feet got dirty all the time . She told me that I would be going to boarding school in the mountains . It was a place like Naini Tal . It was an American school . Their schooling was like the British . There was a British boarding school in Darjeeling they had thought of sending me to , but it only took you till you were sixteen . The American one went up till you were eighteen . That was good because then we could stay longer in India because after I 'd finished school , we 'd all have to go back to Britain . Mum hesitated , as if she 'd been ready for another question . ' Well , because you 'll be starting your life in Britain . And we won 't leave you on your own when you do that . ' The sheets were rumpled on our beds , a mess of white . Krishna Lal knocked on the door and opened it to come and clean our room but Dad asked him to wait . Every morning when Mum and Dad were ready to get washed and dressed , I made my way in my nightie through the boarding house and then through the jumble of rooms behind the kitchen to tell him to bring the hot water . He was always squatting in front of a dekchi of bubbling water . But his familiar face with its big black moustache didn 't belong to us any more , as if he were looking in from another world , as if we were in water and he was in air . ' You 'll go to a local school until you 're old enough to go to Fiona 's school , ' Mum said . She was only five . It would be a long time . I was touched by the concern on her sallowlittle face as she looked up at me , her eyes blinking under her long fringe . But then I was scornful of it . Of course I 'd go by myself . That was what you did when you got older . I understood that at once . Mum didn 't answer , bending even lower , looking down where our feet made a circle on the stone floor . Harriet 's hung limply , while my toes brushed the cold stone , feeling the chips and hollows of it . My big toe found a straight line between the flagstones and followed the reassurance of it until my foot bumped into Mum 's . She lifted her head and smiled at me but something about the touch of her skin made me recoil almost in disgust . ' They 're awfully nice people , Fiona , ' Mum said . ' When we get back to Nagpur , we 'll show you the photos of the place . The letter they sent asking all about you was so nice - and telling us all about them . ' ' No , we won 't . Mum and Harriet and I will come up to where your school is for our holidays . It 's a beautiful place . ' ' So is here , ' I said fiercely , with a frightening spurt of anger . He didn 't seem to notice , taking his keys and his handkerchief and his money from the dressing table and distributing them in his pockets . He glanced in the mirror and impatiently pushed back the one strand of dark hair that had a wave and that fell forward onto his high forehead . ' We 'll talk again , ' Mum said to Harriet and me . She took my chin in her hand and pushed the skin down so that my lower lip came out . She pushed her own lip out like she did in front of the mirror , lifting her chin and looking at her face sideways when she wanted to look glamorous . ' You don 't need to worry , really you don 't . There 's more than a year before you have to go . You 'll be that much older , more ready . ' ' I know , ' she said , following me as Dad and I went to the door . As Dad opened it , she said , ' Keep away from the back of the horses now , Fiona . When you go around them , always go by the front . ' ' A horse bite , ' Dad said . He laughed and laughed , his thin shoulders shaking . Sometimes he teased Mum in Nagpur too , but he did it much more on holiday . Mum laughed , but it was a little forced . I was sorry for him in case he could see that . ' Anybody . Like Miss Elliot . ' She sat at our table . If she knew , it would make me important , interesting , this big thing happening to me . We walked silently down the steep path to the bazaar and the lake where the horses were . Dad walked straight - backed , one hand in his pocket , the other swinging by his side , ready to salaam the people we passed . He solemnly touched his forehead to an old man with grey , bristled cheeks and torn clothes , who salaamed him back . Ferns grew out of the stone pushtas that rose high above us . We passed other houses and guest houses set back off the path . The lake came into sight , dark blue , almost black , with the mountains all around it . It was painful to think of myself as a visitor , coming from outside . That was what adults did . ' We 've never visited Pakistan , ' I said . ' That 's true . ' He was silent for a few steps and I thought he wasn 't going to say any more . ' But Pakistan is another country . That makes it more difficult . ' He gave a laugh . ' Yes , I suppose so . Although , things change , people change , move on , that kind of thing . ' We walked on a bit more , stones rolling under our feet . ' And so you never know what you 'll find when you go back , ' he said . ' What about Thomas and Mary ? ' I asked , suddenly struck by fear . ' What 'll happen to them ? ' Thomas was our cook and Mary , his wife , was our ayah . They were a part of us , I knew everything about them , they were Catholics from South India , with dark skin and different food . They drank coffee , not tea , which Mary sometimes gave me as a treat , a taste of her home , and which I pretended to like . What would happen to them ? And what about Flomeena , their daughter ? What would happen to her ? I had a vision of their one - roomed house at the top of the compound , tucked in against the high brick wall of the Bohra ward , and the road that I took up to it every day as I went to play with Flomeena . When I woke early in the mornings on our verandah , or in the garden where we slept in the summer , the sky a pale , dull , hot grey , I 'd hear Thomas walk down past our tall garden fence and smell his cigarette . It was the smell of the day beginning . That short road was so much a part of me that it seemed a permanent connection to our house , as if the two were naturally joined . Going up to see Flomeena was like breathing . ' But will they ? ' I asked . ' What work is there ? Will it be in the compound ? Will you make sure they do before we leave ? ' What would happen to Flomeena ? She was more than my friend , there wasn 't a word for what she was . We were cutting them off , sending them away helpless and unprotected . But Dad didn 't seem to see that . I couldn 't say to him , You can 't do that to them . I couldn 't tell Dad what to do , I couldn 't expect him to change his plans for them . But it wasn 't right , we couldn 't leave them . We couldn 't just abandon them . What would they do ? Who would look after them ? Where would they work ? Was there work for them ? Would they have to leave the compound ? There were so many things I didn 't know , it went on and on , like a jersey unravelling when you pulled the wool . I nearly began crying . But the men at the horses realised that we were making for them and they surrounded us in a shouting crowd , leading their horses by the reins . I hated this part , jostled and pushed by the horses , separated from Dad while he bargained with the men . Then , two of them pulled their horses away from the rest and I mounted the small one while Dad got onto the big one . We set off around the lake , while the men walked at the horses ' heads . He 'd taught me to ride two years ago , going around this lake . But I couldn 't think of the riding , I couldn 't enjoy it today . All I wanted to do was think about Flomeena . But she kept shifting , I couldn 't make her stay in one place , I couldn 't even see her face any more , only her back and her long plait swinging as she ran . Was she running ? Or was she squatting down by the cooking fire in the tiny , smoke - blackened kitchen , her plait trailing on the ground as she bent to blow on the sticks ? Families were walking along and the children stared at me . A horse came in the opposite direction with a woman in a sari sitting on it , hanging on to the saddle , looking unhappy . A man walked behind the horse carrying a little boy who was shrieking for his mother . Young men wearing black sunglasses , their hair puffed in the front like Cliff Richard 's , leaned on the thick iron railings watching us go by . ' Good morning , ' they called after Dad , cheekily , laughing , and I felt indignant for his sake , but he paid them no attention . He turned round to see where I was and made his horse slow down and I saw by the self - conscious , uncomfortable look on his face , that he was aware of the young men . He kicked his horse with his heels and trotted off , and then kicked again , making the horse canter . When you were with somebody and then they went , you were really on your own . The path around the lake was dark on the far side , covered by trees . Dad disappeared into it . It wasn 't that I hadn 't been round here on my own before . Sometimes Mum took me , waiting for me with Harriet while I went round . I gripped with my knees so hard my legs hurt . I didn 't know how hard I had to do it to make sure I didn 't fall off . Yes , you could . I knew I 'd see him again , he 'd stop and wait for me . Or I 'd see him back at the horses , paying his man , while mine , panting and sweating , went up to him for his rupee notes to be carefully counted out and handed to him . I wanted to catch Dad up . I kicked my horse and made him trot . The man had been at the horse 's head but now he had to run alongside me . But Dad was nowhere to be seen on the stony road . Little brown waves slapped against the side of the lake . Now I was in the dark underhanging road too . It wasn 't so dark once you were in it . Dad would be surprised if I caught him up . I imagined his face . My word ! he 'd say , impressed . I 'd never gone faster than a trot before , but I was older now , I should be able to do things . I kicked the horse with my heels . Next thing , I found myself hanging on to the side of the horse , clutching the slippery leather of the saddle with both hands , one foot still in the stirrup , the other stuck up pointing at the trees over the saddle . The horse was galloping , shaking me about . If I let go , my head would bounce off the ground . My skull felt as thin as an egg shell . If I let go , I would die . Even as I hung on , I felt a fool . From the corner of my eye , I saw the man running after me , his mouth open . his thin trousers flapping . I saw shapes of people as they strolled along , staring after me . I hung on , even as I felt my hands slipping on the saddle . I hung on and hung on , my fingers almost giving up . The horse began to slow down . I hung on , even when I felt I couldn 't any more . The man caught up with the horse and grabbed the reins and stopped it . He helped me down . My legs felt unsteady . I 'd lost one of my sandals . A boy in grey shorts ran up to me . I got back on the horse quickly , just to show everyone that what had happened was nothing at all and they were to forget all about it . The man held the horse 's head firmly and we walked the rest of the way . I was relieved , really , even though he was treating me as if I was young . I fell behind , watching the path , the different shapes of the stones , the uneven steps , the flat grey stones that had been laid in a slanting line across the path , the stone gutters on either side that were dry and dusty and filled with pebbles and dried leaves . The sun was hot on my neck . I thought of Mum when we went out on picnics , how she walked slowly up the hill , her head down , panting , sweat trickling down her neck , her hair sticking to it . It was painful thinking of her like this , as if she wasn 't strong any more . I felt a bit panicky . We carried on walking . I became absorbed in the stones again , and in thinking about Mum , not able to imagine leaving her . But it was a year away and I 'd be that much older . When you were older , you didn 't need your mum . When you grew up , you left her and made your own life . That 's what Mum had done , she 'd got married to Dad . She 'd lived with her mum and then got married to Dad and then they 'd sailed to Pakistan . And they 'd had a baby in Pakistan and that had been me . It was comforting to think of Pakistan . I lifted my head . Dad was further on , his long , thin body sloping towards the hill . There was something sad about watching his back , as if he was alone and he didn 't know it . I watched his blue shirt and the sharp angle of his elbow , and his head , and the way he walked , not knowing that his back looked like this . His free hand hung by his side , empty like an invitation , and it struck me that I hadn 't held it for a long time . I skipped up to him to make myself seem younger . When I slipped my hand into his , he let his hang , not responding , and I knew I was too old for this now . It was embarrassing . I held on , pretending I hadn 't noticed , then after a moment let it go as if I had become interested in something else . … ' he said , nodding . His eyes met mine by accident and he went , ' Hmph , ' and his mouth moved into a stiff shape which was meant to be a smile . His eyes shifted away and he went inside , disappearing through the dark doorway . When he 'd gone , everything felt loose and empty and I didn 't know what to do . I went to the edge of the mountainside where I 'd stood waiting for him after breakfast . The sky had changed , there were thin clouds spread across it like saris drying . Crows circled slowly , their wings ragged against the sky . The fence shook under my hands and it was Miss Elliot leaning on it a little distance from me , her bony shoulders sticking up almost to her ears underneath her brown dress . She reminded me of Dad , she was thin like him , and serious , and not able to chat around the dining - room table when it was meal times , holding herself as if she wasn 't really part of the company . Dad did that too , his stern face stiff and self - conscious , but Mum talked easily . Dad teased Mum afterwards , saying she had verbal diahorrea and she laughed , but her face was always flushed as if she was embarrassed . I laughed along with Dad , safe on his side . ' Have you ever been to boarding school ? ' I asked her . I 'd never spoken to an adult on my own before It was like going into another world where you were all by yourself . She kept her head half turned , as if thinking about this . She had a sharp chin and the sun came out for a moment and caught the fair hairs that stuck out on it . I looked away , embarrassed for her . A vegetable wallah walked down the path below us , all we could see of him was the flat basket of vegetables he carried on his head . We watched him go . So long as we were looking , we didn 't have to talk . Then she pushed herself away from the fence , making it bounce under my hands again . I still felt strange . I followed the fence past people sitting in the sun to the side of the guest house and found Harriet . She was squatting under a tree , collecting little stones , completely absorbed in them . She seemed to be looking for shiny ones . I squatted beside her and she looked up at me in a friendly way and then continued with what she was doing . I found some tiny , pale stones outside the shade of the tree that glittered in the sun and put them on her pile . We hardly ever did things like this , she was so different from me , she was too young to be anything in my life but a nuisance . It struck me for the first time that here was someone who had the same life as me , the same things happened to her as to me , we understood things the same way . It made me almost tender towards her as she squatted on her skinny legs , her chin resting on her dirty knees , searching for these stones . All the tenderness disappeared and I was filled with rage . I was embarrassed by the foolishness of my feelings towards this useless person . ' Leaving Nagpur , of course . ' I pushed her , I was so angry , and she fell backwards , banging her head on the ground . She began to cry . She cried at the least little thing , making a fuss over nothing . Her stupid helplessness enraged me , I wanted to stamp on her like a beetle helpless on its back . I kicked her instead and she cried even harder . I left her in disgust , but also fear that I 'd get into trouble . And I really didn 't like making her cry . It was only after I 'd done it that I remembered . I forgot things too . I went inside . I went to the little library where I read books when it rained . No one else was in it . There were magazines on the table called The Illustrated London News , full of black and white pictures of men and buildings and long streets . This was the place , the country where I came from . It made me proud , being so grand . I looked for a long time at the photographs but they stayed flat and silent . Then someone came in and it was fat Mr Johnson . He went to the shelves and tilted his head to the side as he inspected them . He had three small children who sat quietly eating their meals at the other end of the dining room . They were strange creatures , English , unfamiliar , and I watched them furtively from our table with a horrible fascination , as if they could show me something about myself . ' Oh you 'll be moving around a lot in your life , I should think . ' He took out a book and stuck his big nose in it . ' You 'll be all right , ' he said , shutting the book with a snap . It was as if I was drowning and he was swimming about calmly , watching me . He took the book with him to the door , smiling vaguely at the furniture because he didn 't know how to leave . All he had to do was say good - bye . When he 'd closed the door , I put the magazine back on the table . I went outside again , looking for Mum . I hadn 't wanted to find her , I realised , because we hadn 't spoken since she 'd told us about what was happening , and I felt shy about seeing her in this new state of ours . How would she be ? I followed a coolie round the other side of the house , the sun filling the gap between the house and the mountainside , and there was Mum sitting on the step of the sitting - room door . My heart lifted in gladness and then , for some reason , I had to hide this , and I ducked my head down and sat beside her , pretending to be cross . Mum carried on talking to a woman in a faded green sari , was one of the sweepers . She looked up at her , her eyes squinting in the sun . I got very cross , I didn 't know why , I didn 't have to pretend . They were talking about the woman 's children , her daughter was getting married . After the woman had gone , Mum said , ' Why don 't you smile ? I was introducing you . She 'll think you 're very rude . She 'll think I 've got a very rude daughter . ' A milkman passed us , his aluminium can of milk strapped to his back . He smelled of hay and cows , the same rich , lovely smell that horses had . He salaamed us cheerfully . ' People are friendly here , ' Mum said , watching him walk away . ' They 're different from down in the plains . ' She leaned back on her arms , her white legs stretched out in the sun . Behind us , the bearers clattered cutlery and plates as they laid the tables in the dining room . There was the smell of tomato soup coming from the kitchen . But I didn 't believe her . I didn 't want to believe her . I wanted her to be saying things against the people in Nagpur so that I could show her how wrong she was , how nasty and unreasonable she was being . I hated the way her back arched as she leaned on her arms , trying to look relaxed and on holiday , as if it wasn 't really her but something she thought she should be doing . I hated the way she was different here from down on the plains . On the plains , she cycled , she took rickshaws , she walked quickly , always moving , her chin up , her back straight , ready for anything . But I couldn 't . I didn 't know what she could do . I stabbed the ground again , digging a hole in the dry , yellow earth . My hands were dusty and yellow . I poked the hard ground with my finger , trying to pull out a stone from the hole . ' I know . I know that . ' Her voice was sympathetic , it stirred my heart with longing . When she told me about her dad and the things she had done as a wee girl , showing me her life , this was how her voice was , drawing me into safety . ' Bread , Memsahib ? ' the man asked . ' Cake ? ' He had fat , unshaven cheeks and looked as though he wouldn 't be kind to the boy . The boy stopped and peered at us , not able to move his head because of the strap across his forehead that was tied to the black trunk . ' When we first arrived at Karachi on the boat , ' Mum said , running her hands down her legs to her ankles , ' we were met by Dr and Mrs Baird . You won 't remember them . They 'd come to meet us and take us back to Jalalpur . But they 'd also come to put their five - year - old son on the ship . They wouldn 't see him for five years . That 's what people did then , they sent their children back to Britain to go to school . ' She frowned at her legs . ' At least I don 't have to do that . ' What would she have had to worry about ? She wouldn 't have been the one getting on the ship . But I didn 't risk saying that . ' Once you 're there , everything will be fine , ' she said . ' You 'll see . You 'll be with girls your own age - ' She got up and walked into the guest house , her back stiff , her shoulders straight and offended , her chin at an angle . Her bottom lip would be out , I knew , sharper than words . I followed her , too afraid to leave her alone . I could push her and push her , and then when I went too far and she withdrew from me , I was always afraid , as if I wouldn 't get her back again . Anger was like a huge wall that cut you off from people . She went past the bearers laying the tables , who looked at us with interest , and went into our room , where the beds were still unmade . She began to make Dad 's bed , throwing back the top sheet and blankets and straightening the bottom sheet , sweeping her hand across it and tucking it in vigorously . I went across from her and tried to help her , but she was too quick , the top sheet snatched out of my grip as she flung it across the bed , and I stood uselessly while she did the same to the blankets . The bed was transformed into neatness . I picked up a corner of her top sheet and got a whiff of her morning smell . It was of her body under her nightie , and once you got used to it , it was fine . It was how she was when she got up , her face rumpled like her nightie , smiling at us . But it was always strange that Mum could smell like this and be unaware of it . ' Your hands are filthy ! ' Mum said , looking at a mark I 'd left on the sheet . She reached across to take my hand and turned it over to look at my palm . It was yellow and dusty from the earth and the criss - crossing lines were outlined in black where my hands had got sweaty clutching the saddle . ' Oh please , ' she said , laughing . It was a game we sometimes played . She still held my hand , gripping my fingers as I tried to pull it away . ' Not so wee any more , ' she said , her eyes watery . The tips of my fingers were almost purple with her holding so tightly as I tugged at them . They looked as though they 'd burst . She released my hand . I didn 't know what to do with it . It hung awkwardly . She smiled at me , her red , watery eyes holding on to me and yet letting me go at the same time . 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Posted on April 21 , 2013 by Who I am 48 My birthday did not consist of sleeping in today . Instead I threw on some plain clothes and sneaked into the facility where Al is . You ask why would I do that on a day when I could sleep in ? The answer is because I love my brother . I took some advice from a friend and decided yesterday to go see him on a time they never would expect me . It was 8 : 15pm and Al was in bed asleep . Wow , I thought to myself . Talk about going to bed early . I woke him up and he didn 't smile . He didn 't talk for a few minutes . But when he did , he proceeded to tell me about the entire day . He started off with the fact that the nurse was upset because he was eating the cookies I brought him . He then went to the fact he struggled for half an hour to get dressed because no one was there to help him . He told me about how they sat him in the bathroom door way for an hour until he finally had the urge to pee . I figured out that when Al is upset and he can 't find relief he sleeps . I went out to ask the nurse how he had been doing this evening and she said fine . I questioned her on the walking bit . Al keeps telling me every day this week that they are trying to make him walk down to breakfast . She stated that she highly doubted it , never having seem him walk . I think I figured out what that was all about . They ask him if he would like to walk and he says no . They then tell him to push himself down to the dining room . The rules are that if Al is having a good moment he is to push himself down , if he tries and can 't do it , he is to ask for help and they push him . I believe that Al doesn 't quite get it . He wants to be pushed all the time and I think they try to get him to push himself . He should also in my opinion try his best to go on his own . While I was there I left him a bag of M & M 's mixed with Snicker miniature bars . He was too sleepy to try one so I sat them on his bed side table and told him I would see him the next day . He fell back asleep before I exited his room . This morning I got up early and walked into the facility . I went straight to his room and Al was on the potty and the aide was telling him to get dressed . There was Al , one aide , and a nurse in the bathroom with him . I quietly walked over and sat in Al 's recliner . The aide was telling Al to get dressed and the nurse was handing him a wet wash cloth . They turned to leave his room and jumped back startled when they saw me there . They turned back around and the nurse washed Al 's back and got him dressed . She asked me why I was there so early and I told her I wanted to get to the bottom of Al 's complaints . I said what better way to find out than to be here . Al hadn 't seen me yet and he was crying and telling the other two about his candy . I listened with interest as he told them my sister brought me a bag of candy . When I woke up at 1am I was going to have a piece and it was gone . Someone stole it . I piped in and said that I had indeed brought him candy . I told them where I had left it and that Al was asleep when I left and had never touched the bag . The nurse said she would ask the second shift nurse when she came in . Both the aid and nurse just looked at me . Sorry , friends , but when I see the scales tipping in my mind , it is definitely going in the direction of lie and keep the job . I told them I was irate . The candy doesn 't come cheap and if the staff had to stoop so low as to steal candy , then they better give a raise to these over - worked people . I also brought up about the other nurse and the missing cookies . Making comments that he is eating sweets . This nurse told me they do encourage Al to not eat too many sweets . That his weight gain is their concern . I said , I appreciate this fact that you are a caring staff , but the reason I have brought more garbage food in is because of a seven pound weight loss in five days , not weight gain . She said oh . He was dressed and ready to go to the dining room when the aide told him to get going . The nurse said , no , we push him down . The aide said , no we make him push himself down . I thought , oh wow , you two really got different stories here , in the same room , and right in front of me . The nurse than asked Al if he wanted to go on his own or be pushed and Al said to be pushed that his knees were hurting . She then pushed him down . I believe as well as I am sitting here typing that there was no intention to dress him . I had witnessed them both walking a way from him until they saw me . I also believe that there is an M & M and Snicker bar thief . It happened somewhere after 8 : 30pm and before 1am . This crap is going to stop . I don 't know how I will stop it yet , but when you start taking the candy that I bought and took to my brother , you thieves have crossed the line in my book . I want that candy replaced do you hear me staff ? ? ? I know it sounds funny , truly I do . To get upset over a bag of candy . But this isn 't the first time and I am sick of hearing story after story this whole week from Al about things that are happening and the staff says those three little words , I don 't know …… The aides were able t finally wake him and he had his shoes put on and helped into his chair . Off we went to the dining room . While he was awake he was different from yesterday . Instead of crying and arguing he smiled and said hi to every person he saw . We ordered our lunches and he chatted with me . It was nice to see this change . Are you sure Doctor , that this medication takes a long time to work ? Maybe he was just having a good day . There was a note waiting for me . When I read it , it said , My heart is aching for Al . I have never seen such a bad case of PD in my entire career life . Wow , this note validated something inside of me . When I hear staff say that Al is just being obnoxious or being rude or mouthy , this brings a little inner peace to me . It is more the PD than it is Al . He can get mad like the rest of us but he is generally not rude and mouthy for no reason . We ate our lunches and then he fell asleep . I woke him up and took him back to his room . He asked me to stay for a while which I did . I had him stretch out his legs in his recliner . I noticed that his feet were curled up towards his body and his knees would not straighten completely out . I showed him how to flex his legs explaining he might help some of his pain by this exercise . As soon as I said this off he went into drift land . I let him sleep a few minutes and then I woke him up and told him I was going to go home so he could rest . He looked up at me and smiled and waved bye . Posted on March 22 , 2013 by Who I am 48 I got a double dose of smiles today from both Al and my own face . I went to see Al during his lunch time . He opened the sack holding his car and he just grinned . He said he was shocked then he said he was happy . Yeah ! ! ! He told me next that he walked down to the dining room holding on to his wheelchair . He said his pain was almost gone . This new stronger pain patch is working ! I don 't care how long it works for right now I am happy . We got ready to go to the dining room . He stood up and used his wheel chair to go to the bathroom . He still stumbles and almost falls but he did it . He walked all the way to the dining room . He was even quicker in his step . I was so proud of him and so happy for him I made over him like cooing over a new - born baby . This made him so proud . I can see that the patch doesn 't help his eating or stumbles but my gosh he walked ! I am hoping there are stronger doses when this one becomes immune to his body . I don 't want him to be dependent but let 's face it , he is . He has terrible pains and this is helping . I just had to spread the word that today was a double blessing indeed . Posted on March 9 , 2013 by Who I am 29 English : Half a dozen home - made cookies . Ingredients : butter , flour , white sugar , brown sugar , eggs , vanilla , soda , salt , and chocolate chips . Français : Demie - douzaine de cookies fait - maison . Ingrédients : beurre , farine , sucre en poudre , œufs , vanille , soda , sel et grain de chocolat . ( Photo credit : Wikipedia ) My feet are on fire ! ! ! ! I have Diabetic Neuropathy . I have been taking so much stuff out of my brother 's room . We are switching rooms and bathrooms . His wheel chair will not be able to get into the hall way to his old bedroom and bathroom . This is very hard work when there is a lot of walking for me . The nerves in my feet become fire bugs . I have photos I am going to show you of his stuff and his and my rooms . I am waiting on my son to get here . He is going to help move the beds etc from room to room . I don 't have proof but I think I put all the pieces together about Al not feeling well . I went out to see him . He was just trying to rise from napping . I asked him some questions while trying to get his shoes on . You know Ms . Detective here . I went to raise his leg so I could put the first shoe on and his legs were so stiff when I moved them they didn 't budge . I am always amazed at how PD ( Parkinson 's Disease ) works from the inside of Al 's body . You don 't see the damage it is creating . After getting his shoes on he could not stand . I had to get help . I have to admit this worries me some with him coming home . I am hoping that moving more by going to the Day Program will help grease his body a little and loosen it up . If not , I will have to go to plan C , D or E . Al had fibbed in my opinion . After I wrote you about him not going out because he was sick I thought instantly to a bag of cookies I had baked and taken to him . The detective in me targeted those cookies . Where were they ? Where was the bag ? How many have you eaten out of the three dozen I brought you ? You know they type of questions …… . . I searched the room upside and under in and out but nothing . I went to the nurse because at that time I had no solid reason not to believe Al . I told her about the cookie deal and that I had actually seen the housekeeper outside Al 's room only minutes earlier . She hunted the lady down and with gloved hands dug through the trash . She came back with there were no cookies in the trash but there were empty bags . I interrogated Al once again . I made up a little story to get the truth out . I told him that they may have to take him to the doctor and do tests to see why his stomach is so sore and sick . I said , " If you tell me the truth that you ate all those cookies it will end the search and concerns . You won 't have to go to the doctor then . " He said " Well maybe I did eat them in the past two days , I don 't really know . " The nurse was standing there and she looked at Al and said , " You made me dig through that trash when you are sitting here lying ? " I shot her a dirty look . I know lying is wrong . I also know that too many professionals have said Al is eating left and right because he is so depressed . So on one hand I hated to bitch at him because of is over eating due to depression . On the other hand lying is lying . I explained to him that lying is wrong . I told him to always tell me the truth no matter what , I will understand . He said , " Sorry sis , you make good cookies . " Oh brother , use that soft crap on me now will you I was thinking . I had him apologize to the nurse . He was in bad shape today not only from the cookie party but his body was in so much pain . I wheeled him down to the dining room but I don 't think he was going to eat or at least not much . He will feel better after he goes , shall we say number 2 ? Now if the cookies were borrowed or dumped or eaten or given a way and he is still ill tomorrow , I will investigate further on his health . I am pretty sure that the reason Al felt sick and could not go out is too many cookies . I will be so glad to get him out of there . The depression does affect his ability to remain strong . Seeing and socializing through day care will do him wonders , if I can just get his room and mine done . Posted on March 7 , 2013 by Who I am 15 I went to see Al today since the roads are cleared of snow . Where I live the paths are total slush . It makes driving a bit difficult when you are in nothing but mush . I know the rules . Let Al do his own pushing . Back off woman ! But for today , when I saw the tears because he was stuck in his room and thought he may not get any lunch , I cheated . I had baked him some cookies but he seemed to have no interest in these . It may because he was so concentrated on making the wheels go round and round . Al now is using a divided plate with three sections . Also straws have been added in with strict supervision because of not being able to release the straw from his lips . He struggles very much with lifting those cups to his mouth . His plate arrived and I didn 't say anything when I saw one divider had about three - fourths cup of lasagna . The server poured his routine water , apple juice and hot chocolate . Al looked up at the lady and asked , " Have I been bad ? " " Because I don 't have any food " . Alright Al said it first , so I gave my two cents . " Don 't you think they skimmed a little on his meal ? I could eat that in three bites . Couldn 't he have a vegetable of some kind to go along with this ? " She replies , " He gets tapioca pudding too " . I pushed a little more making my case and found out spinach and lasagna didn 't sound good to Al , so I looked around at other people eating and saw they had garlic bread . In the end Al got a slice of garlic bread added . His plate looked at least more balanced now . I basically fed him his lunch and he ate the pudding by himself . I helped a little with the lifting of cups but he did the drinking and finally the pain pill must have kicked in because he was able to drink by himself . All through the meal he kept repeating himself . " Oh my legs hurts , oh my legs hurts " . After lunch was over I pushed him back to his room and within minutes the lady came to take him to his outing . She had commented that they were going to his favorite store where there is coca cola but changed her mind when she saw how difficult of time Al was having . I think they ended up going to the day program for his time out today . Posted on January 20 , 2013 by Who I am 33 Before I went to see Al today , I spent yesterday sleeping off the unanswered questions and researching the internet for help . Some of you have provided me with links which I looked at and have saved . Tomorrow is Monday , and a holiday . I will do my best to get some new roads to look at for Al . I did discover by going to the State of Indiana Health Boards that I was able to take a look at the scores and test results from the last State Inspection . It had been created in January of 2011 I believe . It showed me what I suspected . They ranked in below average compared to other places . The worst targets for getting written up were lack of interaction with residents . Too few staff was another siting . Not enough nurses . Residents left in their rooms with no encouragement to partake in activities . Pills being given more often than not and some over - dosing accidents were stated . This really stood out to me as I notice more and more that Al seems depressed , quiet and down in the dumps . When I went to see him today it was what I would call a below average visit . He was quiet at first and then he blurted out , " I am trying to be good Terry . I am trying to stay out - of - the - way so the staff won 't get mad at me . Do you think they will like me better if I am good " ? The poor guy . I am sorry but this made me feel so bad . I can not blame every single thing on Al 's Parkinson 's Disease , just as I can not blame it all on the staff . I can however , blame the ball . The ball that goes round and round starting with the Administrator and swinging down to the CNA 's . It is no one 's fault and yet it is everyone 's issue . Al does need to watch what he says to residents . He does need to be careful of becoming angry . On the flip side , is he doing these things on purpose ? I choose to believe no . He has always had issues of this and that , but he has always been a social butterfly , trying his best to get people to notice him . Here at home on Christmas Day I observed more than once Al trying so hard by repeating himself to others what he wanted to say . He was ignored . When Al gets ignored I get hurt . I can 't help it . I know he is what we would not call normal , but should we shut him out , shut him in a room because he wants to know someone loves and cares about him ? Don 't we want the same thing from others ? Why else do we marry or get involved in relationships ? I don 't think it is because we want to be alone . I was very honest and open with Al . I told him I did not know the outcome of what was going to happen . I said " I am so glad that you are trying your hardest , and Al , I know that most of the time you do not mean to be rude to others . I know you want these people to like you and it all just seems so big when you are having your pain too " . I went on to explain that tomorrow I am gong to start making some calls . I explained that I want him to be happy and I will do my best . I asked him if he had a choice of coming home and going to a group home which would he prefer . He said he wanted to stay where he was . He said he didn 't want to come home because we could never find help to stay , so he chose the group home . He was very calm today but very sad - faced . I know he feels so bad at the thought that this place does not want him there . I took in one of his antique cars and asked him if he wanted me to push him in the wheel chair down to his buddies room to show it to him . I ended up pushing him for a ride all around the facility and then we went to his friend 's room . They spoke a few minutes talking about the car and then church was getting ready to start . His buddy asked him if he wanted to go . Letting him know that he himself was going . Al started to cry and said , " I can 't . It just makes me cry . I am too emotional " . The guy looked at him and then me and I just told his friend that we were heading back to his room now . Posted on January 15 , 2013 by Who I am 43 Well it is over . The care plan meeting . It was a little odd because for the first time , I had the floor . They wanted to hear what I had to say . They asked questions . They didn 't end the meeting until every thing was spread out on the table . I felt like we clicked like peanut butter and jelly . I voiced all of my thoughts I had written down . Changes were made according to what they have observed so far . I can deal with the changes because it will keep Al safer . There will be no more straws . He struggles to drink out of them but the issue is he can 't seem to release the grip on the straw . We are all concerned that he will suck the straw down his throat . The second change is he will be moved to the second dining room . He is struggling to cut his food and he is taking too big of bites . With the independence he has of ordering his meals , he is eating too much and has gained eleven pounds . This is unacceptable for a heart patient and with his weakening mobility . In the second dining room he will be assisted in making better food choices . He will be observed more closely on choking and bite size . He was able to keep his walker , but it is to be used to go into his bathroom or to the edge of his room door and then he is to ride in his wheel chair . We made notations that he needs his toenails cut . I made it quite clear that he has to have baby oil lightly rubbed into his hair and face daily . It was just awful to see the crusty formation of cradle crap . This can be controlled by the baby oil , but before , no one was listening . Al was worried so bad about this meeting . Some one must have told him about it . I told him it was no big deal . It was just a get together to make his life as pain - free as possible . He seemed to lighten up a little . All in all , I walked a way satisfied and happy . Al was very chatty during his lunch . He said hi to everyone that walked by . I am sure everyone on the side that he lives , all know his name . The pain medication was working today . He said his legs did not hurt as bad . The nurse said it may take a few days for the increase to kick in , and I can see that she was right . I thank - you for the prayers and God for letting me have a good visit with Al and the meeting . I know God was right there in the middle watching it all unfold . Posted on January 12 , 2013 by Who I am 41 Some of you may think I am the most difficult person to get a long with in the nursing home with Al 's staff . I promise you I am very fair . I have never screamed or sworn . Today I could have though . The video I placed on here is how I saw Al today . I walked in on his lunch period and he was behaving the same way . Along with Al 's Parkinson 's Disease , he is also mentally challenged . Now he isn 't mentally challenged like you think . You can observe some of it by looking at him . Mainly his is in his thinking . He thinks for the moment . He only thinks in the future if it is a creature of habit . I hate to admit it but I am a wreck . I am shaking inside . I feel like I just want to lie across my bed and cry until there are no tears left to cry . I do feel like I have no where else to turn . No other avenues . When I walked up to Al his glasses were lying on the table . This is a sign to me that something is wrong . He spends a good part of his day very emotional , so I try to take this into great consideration when Al is upset . Sometimes he can get dramatically upset over trivial things . Remember last week when I told you I stayed in the corner like a mouse and observed the staff telling him they could not push him down to his room ? Well today , he was having an exceptionally bad day . Lots of pain . I don 't think that extra small dose increase is helping at all . Why don 't the doctors do an increase , instead of a baby step ? I know , one step at a time . I don 't want Al to be on these strong pain pills , I just don 't want him to be in pain . Does that make sense ? Excuse me for being all over the place here . My mind is running much faster than my thoughts are . So Al and his dining room mate explains that the nurse told him to push himself down to the dining room . Now for you and me it is about a two - minute walk . For Al it takes much longer . I want to believe the specialists that we saw in Florida who said that this bakers cyst that is growing into the back of the knee bone is painful . Every time Al bends his knees it causes pain . Now add the nerves being twisted along the shrinking muscles in his legs and I can only imagine how that would feel . Al 's problem , and I state it this way , because the staff always blames Al for what is not done . The nurse told him that he needed to push himself . Al did , but what his mentality did not do was to let an aide or a nurse know he could not make it completely to the dining hall and he needed help the rest of the way . He just kept on going and then the pain seared like a branding iron . He would not eat , and when he tried the tremors were so violent that the food went flying off of his weighted spoon . Al 's face was bright red . It was so red and splotchy I could not even have the nerve to snap a photo to show you . I listened to the story of both Al and his buddy and I was fuming . The reason being is I have explained and explained until the color has been drained . I have smiled and smiled while speaking so I don 't look like a jerk and a grown child . She says , " I told him he had to push with his feet to go to the lunch room . I also put lotion on his face after he shaved " . To tell you the truth my friends , I am so sick of being the nice guy , I just want to scream to anyone who will listen . I want to put on my little red tail and red ears and go marching somewhere . I don 't know where , I just for this moment don 't give a crap about anything . I feel like I can 't win . I told the nurse with my plastered smile , " I have explained over and over you are not to let him shave himself . He shaves in the same spot until his skin is raw and bleeding . I have repeatedly told every nurse that he is to have baby oil dabbed on his face , not lotion . There is alcohol in lotions and it turns his face beet red . He has cradle cap like an infant from the Parkinson 's Disease " . She smiled and said , " sorry , I forgot " . I said , " I understand this totally and so do I want him to walk . But we don 't get everything in life we want . . If he is hurting help him . You have to remember his mentality does not help him to stop and think , hey , I can 't do it anymore . I need help " . I started to tear up and I didn 't want to . I forced those tears to remain in the eye lids hiding until I got out to my car . I said for the last time , " If he can do it , I want him to do what ever he can to keep his strength . But if he can not and is having a bad day , for heaven 's sakes help him . This cost 7 , 000 a month just for room and board . Surely someone can push him sometimes " . The last thing she said was , " Well you know that he is in the dining room . Does this mean you want us to push him back to his room , instead of you " ? The tears started to fall from my eyes and I turned around with my tail between my legs and walked away . I had lost the battle . I wasn 't getting my point across . I saw shades of grey . They see black or white . I walked back down to where Al was and I sucked up the tears before I sat back down with him . He told me , " I want to go home . They don 't care about my pain " . Part of me agreed but I am scared in a way to bring him home . Why ? Because they have drained him of his money . I have a little bit here for emergencies for him . How could I afford to hire a caregiver , and could I take care of him totally by myself . In my gut I know I could do a better job then they are . Partly because I care so deeply for him and I have compassion . He is in the middle of being switched over from Medicare to Medicaid . I am not sure it is a smart thing to try to switch him to another nursing home when he hasn 't been Medicaid stamped yet with the words of approval . What if I bring him home and they don 't let the Medicaid process continue ? What if they toss it in the trash because they are no longer going to benefit from him ? I don 't want to bring him home if I can 't get the job done and I don 't want him in there being ignored . They have one goal . Keep him walking , but where does that goal slow down and begin the comfort stage ? The more that they push him the more pain pills he requires . Pretty soon he will be so drugged up he won 't know his name . I just don 't know what to do anymore . I wish someone could help me figure all of this out . All I want , all my goal is anymore with Al , is to have him feel peace . To go through this journey of pain with as little as possible . I am no longer interested in seeing him walk a mile or a block . I had him push himself from the dining room . I taught him to tell me when he was hurting too much to keep going . He made it on his own for about fifteen feet and then he began to cry because it hurt worse . I took over the pushing . We got down to the nurses station that we have to pass to get to Al 's room and she asked , " Why are you crying " ? Al said , " I tried , I really tried . I made it for a while but then my legs started hurting real bad " . Guess what she did ? She popped him a pain pill . So this is why I think to myself , pain pills from over doing it , or less pain pills because we are helping ………… . You tell me , because I don 't know anymore When we got back to his room , he told me he was wet , and believe me , I could smell it . He asked for a clean brief and then I found an aide to help him change . She came in and got a clean brief out of his closet and handed it to him . She didn 't ask if he needed help but turned around and told me , " He 's all set now " . I sat in his recliner while he struggled to take two shoes off , his long pants and the wet brief . I watched the clock . It took him 11 minutes to get those things off . He had worked so hard at taking them off that he was a sweaty mess now . He couldn 't get his feet to lift off of the ground to put the clean brief on . I bit my lip watching him and then he looked up at me , and I asked , " Do you want help bud " ? He shook his head yes . I went in and helped him get the new brief and his long pants back on . Next I helped him get into bed . He was exhausted from the work he had just done . His legs just don 't want to co - operate anymore or at least for this moment of the day . Posted on January 9 , 2013 by Who I am 70 Yesterday , I took one of my exercise classes and then because it was half off days at the local Dairy Queen , I went and bought Al and my meal and surprised him with junk food . When I went there , he was lying in the therapy room . Although there is no more therapy , Al believes that therapy will cure him , so the staff lets him lie on the therapy bed . I told him that I had brought him a surprise lunch , but he didn 't seem eager to see it or eat . With some convincing we did go to lunch in the dining room . After eating I told him I would be back . I explained I had to take care of his bill . I went to the office and found as I usually do each month , extra charges they have tacked on . We argued and discussed . In the end , his amount he owed was higher than the amount of disability that he gets . I was ready to pull my hair out . I feel like these places are out to drain your pockets . I take everything for Al 's bathing that a king could possibly want . Instead of looking through one of the three drawers of his bathing tub , they go get something out of their own inventory and charge it to Al . I requested when I placed him there that there was to be no more therapy , as it had been determined that therapy was no longer helping his legs , but they did what they wanted and we have to pay the 20 % . The next month I saw more therapy bills and threw a fit , but they ignored . Now this month again . On top of the bad episodes in there , I found out that earlier therapy charges had been placed on Al from back in November . His current bill was showing I was late paying it by almost two hundred dollars . Although I had receipts showing Paid in Full , they had every excuse that led back to the same thing . We are the ones caring for Al . I was so sick and tired of this that I exploded when I once again found out the barber had cut Al 's hair again . He has been in this new home for two months and has had three hair cuts at 10 . 75 each . Now you may be saying that isn 't a big deal , but it is . Al is only allowed to have fifty dollars to his name in this place . They charge these hair cuts to his bank account within the facility . The other left over money is for him to spend on his desires , plus he likes to go on the van rides when he is lucky enough to get picked . They eat out and he has to pay for his own meal . When February comes Al will start the new program that was funded in Indiana . A company will bring a van to him equipped with wheelchairs and ramps and he will get to get outside of these four walls twice a week . The catch is the funding is sort of for Al and sort of not . The funding pays for the gas and insurance of the van plus the pay of the company taking Al out . Al has to pay for each meal or anything he may want to buy . With forty dollars being left for him , I am forced to either tell him he can not go , or foot the bills myself . I wish there was a magic fairy out there that was replenishing this fund so that he could go each time . I am struggling to find a job since he is no longer living here . So far I have had no luck . I pay for the gas that takes me to see him . I pay for his soda that although he doesn 't need , he has had one each night at bedtime for as long as I have known him . Should I tell him he can 't have his soda anymore ? I can 't do that , so I buy all of his pop too . Now I have to either add to his account so he can go to these bi - weekly outings , which I think are good for him . Plus the fact that the funding program is to get disabled adults out of the nursing homes a couple of days a week . If I don 't add money myself they will not come get him any longer . So when the office says we take care of him , so if you have to dip into his emergency funds to pay his bill here , we are sorry . I exploded yesterday . I really did ! I told them that if they did one more therapy for Al without my permission , I was not paying it on Al 's behalf . I told them you can not do anything for Al without my prior permission unless it is life saving or from a fall . I told them no more hair cuts except every six weeks , and if they did , it was at their loss . As I left the meeting I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up . I didn 't want Al to see me this way . He stresses over money anyways . The meeting lasted too long and his noon chat was over . I saw him in the middle of the dining room crying . I stood back in the shadows and watched the movie scene playing out . Al 's legs were not working . He was sitting on the seat of his walker , and through tears I could hear him asking kitchen staff and CNA 's walking by for a push down to his room . His room is a long ways from the dining room considering his legs are in constant pain . I actually observed staff ignoring his pleas , or saying when they had time . Al was sitting on the seat but it isn 't stable seating . It is the small seat on those portable walkers ? Know which ones I am talking about ? His tears were breaking my heart and yet the calmness that I had mustered up was again roaring its head like a lion . I listened and watched for about three more minutes , then I walked up to Al . I asked him what was going on . Why are you crying ? He explains his legs are throbbing and won 't move and he just wants to go back to his room . I asked him if he wanted me to get his wheel chair and he said yes . I went down the hall and got it and brought it back . While I was helping get him into it , no one offered their help . A 240 pound man I was trying to transfer from a portable seat to a stable wheel chair and they all walked by . I asked him , why didn 't you ask someone for help bud ? He says through his tears , I did , but no one was helping . I pushed him back to his room and helped him to lie down . My brain was fuming as I smiled at Al and told him I loved him . I told him I would be back on Thursday and he looked up at me and said good . I left exhausted . Worn out from the arguing over bills that I have begged in the past two months to be informed of before doing . Worn from watching the scene of no one coming to his help . I am not mean , not at all . I understand the nursing homes as I have worked in them for many years . But , when someone is unstable in a seat you work with that situation immediately , not pass it off to someone else , especially the family member me . I came home and felt awful . By six pm my body was freezing . I ate my supper but kept getting colder . My sugars were good and so it wasn 't that . The colder I got the more my feet froze . I felt like my soul was being lifted out of a cold body . I took a rice bag that I heated in the microwave and took it to bed . I placed the heated bag over a towel then on my feet and was laying in flannel sheets . It took some time but I finally started to warm up . By 7 : 30 I was asleep and never woke up until 7am this morning . Now I am getting ready to go to a class and need to eat breakfast . I pray that my day and Al 's goes alright . I am not going out there today . Posted on January 7 , 2013 by Who I am 74 Today I started one of my classes and it was so good to talk to other humans that were not ill . After it was over I went to see Al . I needed to take him some pants that I had found plus visit . The Social Services found me and did a check on Al 's room . He had four cars there that were collectibles and of value . She made me take them home . It broke my heart because I knew that he enjoyed looking at them . She and I finished and then I was getting ready to go back down to sit with him while he finished his lunch . I saw Al coming down the hall all bent over but using his walker . He was frustrated and mumbling but I could hear the wicked things coming out of his mouth . I went to meet him and the first thing he was upset about was the wet floors and the wet floor sign . He ranted and raved about them being in his way . He said they didn 't care if he fell or not . The real problem I discovered was that he had to go potty . He was so afraid that he was going to have an accident . I told him he may want to consider using the bathroom before he went to a meal , and he said he did . He was also concerned that if he wet himself , people would laugh . I explained about him wearing his brief and that no one would see anything , and he could just change briefs . He was mad and irritated . He cried all the way back down to the dining room . He and I saw a lady beginning to take his meal and I sort of yelled a head letting her know he was coming back to finish it . She stopped and did not take it . He cried some more and tried to claim she wanted to throw his meal a way and wanted him to starve . I tried talking to him , saying we saved it and then an activities director butted in and told Al , " You should have said something that you were coming back " . This made Al cry even harder and he said he did everything wrong . I explained to the director that with Al 's mentality , he only thinks for the moment . I said that thinking a head to the next fifteen or twenty minutes is not in his thinking process . She came back with a remark , " Well , then we can 't be responsible for taking his food and throwing it away " . I said nicely and with a small smile , " I just told you his mentality will not let him say that . You are making him feel bad , now please stop " . She grinned at me and said , " Well , there is nothing we can do " . and I said , " Stop talking right now " . Al was a mess . He was crying , agitated , mad . I could not calm him down . Then the social services lady came up and told Al that she made me take his four cars home . The talking stopped with Al but more tears fell , and these were gentle tears . I couldn 't take it . I know they have rules but I could not take it . What little bit of gratification I got this morning was wiped out . I wanted to comfort Al but instead I told him I would see him later and left like a big coward . I didn 't want to break down in tears right there in front of him . I was afraid he would think I was taking his side and then more war would break out between the facility and him . I hate it that he can 't have hardly anything else in his room . Just petty things . The housekeeping even threw a way an open box of chocolate covered cherries I had bought him for Christmas . I can 't take it , I just can 't take it . I can not buy him anything he wishes anymore because they took all of his money . I sit here helpless and feel beat up . It wouldn 't do any good to buy him anything anyways , he could not have it . What a coward I was by leaving . I had no choice but to come home and write to you , my friends . I want to protect him like from everything that hurts him , but I can not . I found out that the doctor did increase his pain meds and this will start tonight at bedtime . I am sorry , but I am hoping that the new dosage increase will somehow make him forget what he thinks he is losing . I hate it because the Parkinson 's is changing Al 's personality from a gently smiley man to a grumpy man who barks at anyone . What can I do ? ? ? I am so frustrated . I just hate this PD so very very much i take care of my brother who has Parkinson 's , heart disease , and is mentally challenged . I write poetry and short fictional stories also . stop by and make yourself comfy . Copyright © Terry Shepherd and terry1954 , 2015 - 2017 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Terry Shepherd and terry1954 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Two , I know from the naming ceremony that his name means Walks With God . My name is Brothers so I know what 's up . This is how it went down : I stayed up late last night waiting for the owner of Emmanuel 's current place of residence to answer my pleas to write me a one line note , sign it , and send it back to me on her phone . She never answered me . She said she had to work until 11 : 30 PM . I waited . In the morning I check the phone and WhatsApp and the email . Nothing . I started coming up with schemes , but all of them seemed far fetched and desperate . Lots of them involved a stake out for DeWill on his return from Verona and how we would make him sign the forms and let us copy his documents . Today I gave birthday presents to Glory , the teenager who came here by herself , and is being supervised by The Red Cross . She had good news yesterday that she will soon be given a stay permit . We also made her cupcakes . Her favorite flavor is strawberry . Then Cool made me wait for him for 45 minutes because he had something urgent to talk to me about . It turned out he want 50 euros from the account we set up for him . Next we made our way to Montecatini where we dropped off a birthday cake F made for baby Wisdom with Jennifer who is planning a party for him tomorrow . Then we picked up Emmanuel . We had to wait for him to come out of the shower . All the men were in the bathroom because they had called for a barber to come and all the Nigerians were getting haircuts to look good for baby Jordan 's African naming ceremony today . Jordan is the baby of Ezekiel and the Italian woman Alessia . Anyway , I played Mary J . Blige 's What 's the 411 for Emmanuel and we drove back to the same police station that rejected us yesterday . The plan was that I would wait in the car because when I am angry , I say stuff . And I was not in a patient mood today . I told F and Emmanuel to walk in and pretend that they had never been there before in their lives and look to see if the bastard from yesterday was lurking around . I told them to try to ask the female agent for help . Twenty seconds later I saw the guys walking back to the car . My heart dropped . Then F raised up a sheet of paper and smiled . TWelcome Baby Jordan ! Next we went to the bar to celebrate the new baby . Alessia 's family disowned her for being with Ezekiel , but everyone assumed we were Italian because we were the only white people in attendence at the only Dominican bar in Montecatini where the party was to take place . It was a little awkward during the ceremony . The pastor went on and on about a name is more important than money . He asked everyone what their name meant and was legitimately taken aback to find out that the mother of the baby 's name was not Happy or Love or Sunday , but Alessia . He laughed it off , saying you really must love her then . It was weird . Then they translated the English into Italian for us , for some reason . Emmanuel found the whole thing very entertaining . Peace just kissed Freedom , I know , I know And I would be that woman . I got dropped off outside the police station in Montecatini . I was very early that no one else was there . An officer so handsome that he seemed like a model / actor playing the part of an officer locked eyes with me . The chemistry was undeniable . He let me into the inner sanctum , even though immigrant business is strictly outdoor and on - line and first come only . He made copies of some of the documents and told me that as soon as one of his immigration specializing colleagues arrived , they would take care of me . I felt almost smug . I ushered Emmanuel inside . I went in to meet with the immigration agent , and I was happy to see it was the same man who has helped me in the past . Or so I thought . In fact , it was not the same man . Therefore , when I said that we knew each other he got suspicious and decided that he was not going to help me . Leave it to me , to get Detective fu $ king Columbo . He looked over all the papers , which I thought were in order ; and then told me that since the owner of the apartment 's name wasn 't on the contract , I would need more permission letters and Identity documents from DeWill , the Nigerian guy who thinks we are white devils and is more paranoid than Melissa Ethridge after eating a pan and a half of pot brownies . Even if we could convince DeWill , Emmanuel mumbled to me that he is travelling and is currently in Verona , for some unknown reason . I had the lawyer talk to the agent , who was not swayed . The agent is named Antonio . Emmanuel and I engaged in some Nancy Drew like activities that turned up nothing at the house and so we have to wait on DeWill to come back . Or we have to try again in the two remaining business days before the appointment to determine Emmanuel 's case with the inspector in Pistoia on an afternoon when Antonio is not there , and hope one of his colleagues will just stamp the paper without being such a hard ass about it . Emmanuel was sick and had not slept . He was coughing up phlem and I had to bring him to a pharmacy . He was in a full panic . I reascomments Today I took a taxi work so that F could meet Emmanuel at the questura before 8 AM . They were first at the door . The inspector was there . Things were off to a good start . Then the grumpy , bald immigration agent , who was probably disappointed not to see me , sent them home to get a copy of the house contract . Then he told the guys that the inspector couldn 't meet with them after all because he was too busy . F put up a good fight , but to no avail . He even had the lawyer plead for an appointment . The lawyer later told me that he was assured that he would fill out the form a week from today . That would only be fine if the chef was willing to wait . In between lessons , I sent out a flurry of messages . We tried Courtney 's school mom friend who works at the police station in Viareggio , but she couldn 't help . Neither could my old Charlie 's Angel , angel Anna Maria . She doesn 't work in immigration anymore . I had to ask the chef for another extension so that we can get Emmanuel 's paperwork in order . Then I confirmed the apartment for him with the lady in Viareggio , even though we don 't know if this whole scheme is going to work . Worst of all , the inspector asked us for a better copy of the hospitality letter , but , if we give him one , he will see that it is expired . That is why tonight I have to call Albania or Switzerland and offer to pay a month 's rent for a house that Emmanuel is not going to live in so that she can sign a new hospitality letter . In Italy , that is just another day at the office , people . Don 't get me started . If she agrees to free money , I then have to get her to a scanner . I don 't think she owns one . Then I have to take the letter to a different police station to have it stamped . Then we have to bring that paper back to the original immigration office and finally get an official new start for Emmanuel . You can 't make this up . One piece of paper stands between Emmanuel being deported and him having a new home that is official , if minuscule , and a real job , and a legal , albeit temporary , stay permit . 0 As we were getting ready for dinner , Jennifer called . She was stuck in Rome . Apparently there is an Italian system whereby if you don 't change your pre - paid train ticket an hour before departure , it expires on you . She did not have enough money for a new one . Baby Wisdom was with her , but he was the only one . The Nigerian embassy is kilometers from the train station , and you have to take a bus . The embassy told her to wait so that they could process her passport request . At 9 : 00 PM she was still waiting . Someone in that office gave her 27 euros to upgrade her ticket after we frantically attempted to send her a ticket through Whatsapp to her crappy , cell phone . That option is not available for all tickets , including the 10 : 30 PM train . It would have only worked for the midnight train . We tried to find a hotel for her and Wisdom for the night . The phone conversation was 80 % of her panting and saying mamma mia over and over again , while we shouted at her over the noisy crowd of bus passengers . We probably sounded like the farm animals yelling instructions to Wilbur in Charlotte 's Web , but none of us come out as very appealing in that metaphor so forget it . Although , it is not inaccurate . She got on that 10 : 30 train , upgraded her ticket and emojiied me that they got home in one piece at 3 AM . Today we woke up even earlier and got to the questura even before Emmanuel got there . I greeted some of the crowd in pidgin English and played a 2face song that Emmanuel and I like on blast to keep everyone 's spirits up . I saw a guy who arrived before me not push to get to the front of the line . He let people keep passing him , but when it was almost time for the office to open , he went past them all to the door . I asked him what number he was in line and if I was immediately after him . His face let me know he was being slick . I told him , whatever your plan , I 'm with you because I am not playing the rookie today . A man with a six or seven year old boy cut me in line and later told me that he was going to be late for work . It was then that I started to suspect that we were not going to make an orderly entrance . I did see my bald , grumpy , agent , who I love so well , arrive for work . He was happy because tomorrow the office is closed for Italian liberation day . I called out to him with a giant smile on my face , You are going to be so proud of me today ! I am so well prepared ! He chuckled . So that was a good , positive sign . When I registered T for Huggs pre - school in Park Slope , I got up at dawn to be the first in line . I told everyone who came after me and my friend Sherry , we are crazy number one , you are crazy number two and so on . But due to the array of languages spoken , I did not try to line everyone up . When the doors opened people started pushing and the officer told the crowd that if they did not enter one by one , she would close up shop . One man in a blue puffy jacket who came late to the party , but seemed to represent an Albanian or Romanian family , was violently pushing all the people around him . I told him to calm down , and not to hurt the woman in front of him and keep encouraging the crowd as loudly as I could to remain peaceful . Suffice to say , about three dozen people entered in front of me , even though I should have entered at about number 17 if things were honest and at about number two , if I was sneaky . It looked like we were going to have about a three hour wait . I turned to Emmanuel . I got it , he said . Somehow that man surfed the crowd and ended up with ticket number eight ! The man who entered with me had number 35 , to give you an idea of the difference . I am thinking of taking up stomach crochet . . We waited for about an hour and my stomach turned into knots . I saw the two African guys ahead of us were having trouble communicating so I went up to translate for them . I was successful in making the bald agent 's life easier and then it was my turn . He gave us one paper to fill out , but told us that to do what we need to do for Emmanuel , which is called a C3 , we need to come back Wednesday . My boss won 't let me skip work that day , so , hopefully Courtney will go with Fraser and flirt in my place with whoever the inspector in charge turns out to be . We have to get it done on Wednesday or the job won 't be there any more . I feel tortured . But we are making progress . We watched this little girl make friends with everyone in the room , including two nuns , with whom she spoke perfect Italian . She asked them why they wore glasses , and then , as a follow up questions and without malice , she asked them why they were old . I know they say don 't count your chickens before they 're hatched , but we had to go find Emmanuel a place to sleep , in the event that his legal woes get solved and he can start work at the restaurant this week . Martina was my personal training client at the gym where I worked about four years ago . She was always nice , but she definitely seemed to think that paying for the sessions was half the battle to getting the results . Many times we just kind of chatted on the mats or she watched me do the exercises . Anyway , we remained friends on fb . We never called or messaged each other . Out of the blue , she called to ask what she could do to help the refugees in our group . She told me that she knew a man who owns a bar in Viareggio . He , in turn , knew of a lady with a room to rent . Flash foward to us waiting outside of the train station to pick up Emmanuel , whose train was running late . Then we got the address wrong , and when I called the house owner , she already seemed to be in a bad mood . Her tone on the phone could best be described as suspiscious . The room she has for rent has no kitchen and is right on a busy street in the middle of this bustling seaside town . When I say on the street , I mean you push open the door from the sidewalk and there is a bed . It is a popular area with tourists and so all the locals charge the most to spend even a night in a room , any room . Nevertheless , the room is clean and the water and electricity our included in the price . It is a straight shot of a ride on a bicycle from there to the restaurant . You can make it in 15 to 20 minutes . With a little convincing , she eventually agreed that she would sign a hospitality letter , which would be a great thing for Emmanuel to have , as it helps to legitimize him . I would say flash forward , but the lady , who seems to really be quite a sweet person , was unaffected by the fact that Emmanuel doesn 't understand much Italian , and she kept us listening to stories for over an hour . Whatever floated her boat . We are supposed to touch base again on Wednesday 0 Last Easter when I just wanted to relax , our neighbor who smokes like a chimney and is maybe 60 years old asked me if I would do an energy treatment on her arm when she saw me in the stairway . I forgot then and there that she usually asks me because her back hurts . She has a swishy Lucchese accent when she speaks , and I don 't understand every word . We made an appointment for later in the afternoon . Then T turned to me and said , you know she is afraid she is having a heart attack , right ? So I ran down the stairs after her and told her that I would not do an energy treatment for her and that she should go to the hospital . She got mad and stormed off . My brain would not stop replaying the Red Cross CPR videos they make you watch for a certification in first aid where the heart attack patient is always grumpy and in denial before they hit the floor . I could not relax for the next few hours , and so I went to knock on her door . When she opened the door , she smiled at me like she was on drugs and told me she felt all better . That set the tone for the week which was a shit show . I can not even tell you how many hours I spent on the phone messaging and pleading with Emmanuel 's lawyer who , in the hours leading up to our big appointment at the police station , told me he was too busy to do the paperwork , and that , according to him , we had agreed it would be done for the day after . This is nonsense as the entire chain of messages on my Whatsapp account will prove that I had always said we needed him to send the documents in by Thursday . What could I do ? Thursday night I woke up at two in the morning in a full on body sweat with heart palpitations . We got up at dawn and F dropped me off at the police station before work . I like to stand at the front door and guard my spot , but Emmanuel insisted that we hang out with the African dudes he knew in the parking lot because they respect the order in which they arrived . I greeted them in Nigerian pidgin English and they looked bemused at me . I played a song for Emmanuel on my cell phone and he had me listen to one half of his headphones because he wanted to play me some of his Tupac . However , at the door was a Caucasian family , maybe Romanian , and when more people who weren 't African showed up I told him to come with me to the door to stake out claim on a place . The other African guys stayed out where they were , but Emmanuel saw there was no use fighting me . When I got to the door I started playing peek - a - boo with the Romanian baby . I did not read the sign on the door . I perked up when I saw the bald , grumpy immigration agent arriving for work . He barked at me , the station is closed on Fridays . There is a sign right there on the door . What is wrong with you people ? Great . All that for nothing , and the guy thinks I am illiterate . I had psyched myself up to protest at the front window . My fantasy including leading a chant of the people waiting , chaining myself to the front with a bicycle lock , and crying and fainting , if all else failed . So my adrenalin levels were fairly high and so was the free fall upon hearing the bad news . Here is a photo of Emmanuel and me on the train home , listening to Tupac and someone called Two Face . I gave Emmanuel the bread F made for the police officers and some Easter chocolate from T 's English professor to share with his roommate Ali whose ribs stick out . When I got home , I called the chef and explained that this process is killing me . I told him that it physically hurts me to be late with anything because I am the daughter of a psychologist . He laughed and said he would give Emmanuel until next Thursday and that he was onboard and committed to helping him , too . That is a relief . Tomorrow we will see if we can convince a shady lady in Viareggio that my ex - fitness student found to sign a hospitality letter for Emmanuel if he pays 300 euro a month to sleep on her floor and use her bathroom . All this is going on while I am in full perimenopause and have every symptom that is described on the internet including everything from tits five times their normal size , swelling in all my limbs , migraine headaches , and erratic cycles . Courtney and I have decided to take Tina and Jennifer to the Mary J Blige concert at the Lucca Summer Festival in July . Jennifer had to be convinced to let Cool babysit Wisdom , so even buying her 75 euro concert tickets is a pain in my ass . My fantasy there is that Mary would take a selfie with them and that it would get our group some press and some help . Courtney wants us to hold up a giant sheet , inviting Mary to a gluten free dinner for her crew after the concert . We are officially the Ethel and Lucy of refugee activism . I woke up early on Good Friday , which was a day off work , because a friend of a friend who has been giving the babies some of her left over baby food proposed that she could take me to the civic association where her niece works . Neither of us had high hopes for getting organizational help , but I have learned not to say no to people who have the desire and openness of mind to help the refugees . I waited for her for half an hour at the agreed upon location , but the weather was nice and she has a small child , so it was expected and not a problem . When Patrizia showed up , she was just how I imagined her . We chatted like old friends in the waiting room . When we went in to tell the story of our group members , the man who listened to us looked grim . He said among other things that he didn 't believe many key elements such as the money that many of our group members were paid off to waive the right to Italy 's protection . If I understood him correctly , he said a few offensive things about not believing anything I learn from people who go to the Nigerian churches . He also offered to print out my group members ' histories that he received from our mutual friend who is the director of the catholic charity Caritas in Lucca . I declined . The whole time I was thinking about how I had more and more empathy for Lorena Bobbit . This was not surprising . The surprising part was when Patrizia burst in to tears because she felt so moved by our group members ' plight . By the end of the day she had procured the name of a lawyer in walking distance of my house , in case Emmanuel needed more representation . On the way out in the morning , I bumped into Ehis who begged me for help with his ear pain . He wanted drops from the pharmacy , but I gave him money for my natural ear pain remedy and called his sister - in - law Jennifer to give her the recipe . I also bumped into Ali who , like Emmanuel , was rejected by the refugee commission , but I later learned from Job that the plan for guys like Ali is to survive five more years on the street without gettingHow can you refuse this face anything ? We ended up paying for the taxi cab that Gabry , the guy from Romania who begs downstairs from our house , needed to go to Germany to buy to start the next chapter of his life . Fingers crossed ! 0 The lawyers he has from Caritas here and the one he found when he was at the camp in the South don 't agree on a strategy for him . The caritas lawyers don 't think that a new request for Emmanuel for Italy 's protection will be successful . Nor would they send the email called a PEC that he needs for me to accompany him to the police station to give his reasons for needing protection . Without the electronic communication from the part of the lawyer , it is useless for me to go there with my sloppy Italian and try to translate the story of why he really needs political asylum in Italy . While I wasn 't there for it myself , I can share F 's recounting that Chef Torcigliani is every bit as sweet as we thought he was judging by his crinkly santa claus eyes . He was very kind to Emmanuel and even spoke to him in English . He said that his accountant would try to draw up a work contract . She was put off by the irregular look of Emmanual 's stay permit , and was not sure how to proceed . I had no idea how to respond to her and I have to hope that Emmanuel 's lawyer named Francesco can figure it out . Jennifer and Cool missed their appointment and wasted the money I gave them for their train tickets because they confused Wisdom 's teething pain with something worse and went to the baby doctor instead . I am glad they are such caring parents , but I could have told you it was a teething related cough . The Caritas lawyers did say they would try to help Peace 's mom with her passport issues so that she doesn 't have to go back to Nigeria to ask for help from the embassy there , but Tina is terrified that she will be exposed in some way and regret not taking the situation into her own hands . Just now Francesco wrote me back . I had messaged him , saying , let 's not give up , and he responded , I 'm not giving up . He said he would try to get back to me tomorrow and I forwarded him the number of the chef 's accountant , just in case . Our letter for the special accomodations we don 't need from the SAT College Board was delivered on time ; but , it 's a week after our customer service request and we still don 't know if the airbnb accomodation that I promised five girls from T 's class in a crazy , excessive gesture of girly love is a real house or an attempt to defraud us . Several of the girls want to leave a week later than we originally discussed . And , by now , the pickings in the areas we wanted to go are very slim . I am fried like a bombolone : Every so often when I get in over my head in Italy , I try not to do anything too crazy out of fear that I will end up like Amanda Knox , the American student who during her academic experience abroad was imprisoned for years and was later found innocent in the death of one of her roommates . She did do a couple of weird things after she was accused , including making out with a friend at the lingerie store Intimissimi and doing a cartwheel at the police station . These are both things that I wouldn 't do , but that I am afraid I would do under stress . When I lived in New York the fear was that I would get naked and scream obscenities on a table at Barnes & Nobles . I wouldn 't really do that , but I do make other unusual life choices . Like " adopting " six refugees and their babies and taking responsibility for things completely outside my control and , often , as a result , getting myself in trouble . So one of the papers we need today might possibly have been technically expired . I knew I couldn 't change that document because it would be a serious crime . So I didn 't change it . I swear I didn 't . But it might possibly have gotten just a little speck of spit on it . A little . By accident . And now it is a little hard to read one of the numbers . It 's not like I did a cartwheel after learning about someone 's death . Anyway , T did an amazing job translating and fighting with the bald guy at the police station in Pistoia . The man said that as far as they are concerned , his original request for protection is still in effect due to a time lag in bureaucracy ; and so , technically Emmanuel still has the right to work . Emmanuel had left his document on a train , and when he declared it lost officially a month or so ago , he could not remember his address . The bald guy did not like seeing that under the space for address it says non si ricorda / this dope doesn 't remember so he sent F and T back to the local police precinct to get it stamped . He did not even notice the spit . But we have to go back on Thursday . T as a lawyer in training Because I was trapped at work , I explained the situation to all of my classes . My second to the last class of the day was given the translation assignment of writing my English letter to the chef , explaining our predicament , into perfect Italian and then emailing it to me . Ain 't I a stinker ? We woke up to find that our city was not just blockaded off to cars , as we expected because of the G7 summit , but that it was blocked to foot traffice , as well . We had to walk a long ways and then we had to show our documents just to exit Lucca 's city walls . For the duration of the entire car trip to pick up Peace and her parents , T consented to speak to me in her fluent Italian , which is a rarity . Now I know why . She corrected practically every sentence that came out of my mouth . This can only mean that my students and friends have just gotten used to me and are complete fakers who are too polite to tell me the truth . T at work We picked up the baby and met Courtney and Emmanuel at the police station in Pistoia . Emmanuel got there early to get a ticket number for the line . As we arrived so did a parade of fire engines and they proceeded to block off all the entrances and exits to cars for some sort of drill . I hopped into Courtney 's car and we drove to the Caritas lawyers ' office . They told me that the original lawyer 's plan would not work . Then they told me they did not have an hour to do the paperwork for us . I don 't know why they didn 't tell me before . They said that If Emmanuel had a job , they could correct the situation for his stay permits . But , of course , it goes without saying , that he can 't take the job if he doesn 't first have the right to Italy 's protection for political asylum . The horrible part of this story is that the truth is that his participation in a political party caused his house to be burned and we have the photographic proof . Unfortunately , he was under too much shock from the death of his wife to recount this story in English or in Italian at the time . His English has improved over time , but when I met him it was very broken , pidgin English . I didn 't take Emmanuel 's or my picture today because we looked a bit rough around the eyes . I did dress up and wear pearls , which I believe , along with F 's tie , helped us to get past the blockade a little quicker , though . T was wearing jeans and they held her there for fifteen minutes while they checked out her birth date and address . In short , Courtney , Emmanuel and I went to the police station armed with a whole lot of nothing . If you discount F 's homemade bread . The older gentleman agent who knows my face and F 's bread was very embarrassed by the bread because Mondays is the crowded day and there were too many witnesses . He was very angry at me for bringing it , and he told me to give it to the hungry crowds instead . There is a heavyset guard named Filippo who kept smiling at Courtney and me . He asked me if we achieved our objective and I mouthed no . Then I looked skyward I left Peace , who was not feeling well after her vaccine , with T . T translated for Peace 's parents to explain their passport problems . It turns out that Peace 's mother had to disguise her identity as a single woman so she could pass as a married woman to avoid being raped on her way out of Africa . The lawyers said that they would try to obtain a rejection of her request for a new passport in writing from the embassy so that she does not have to go back to Africa to get one . Can I just say one more time what an insane practice it is to make refugees who had to flee their countries for safety issues , go back to get a passport just so that they can renew their stay permits in the country that is supposed to be protecting them ? Tomorrow I have to teach English at the company , so T will go take Emmanuel back to the police station with F along with the missing documents to beg for the permission to work in one day 's time , even though that permission is not granted without a twenty day wait period as a general rule . To Be Continued . . . 0 We were so excited when we got the call out of the blue from the chef , saying Emmanuel could start work next week . He was over the moon with joy . My biggest problem was finding him a new home . After asking everyone we know and making calls off of every real estate site , we continue to come up short . I miss that stressful problem ; the only solution to which was either to re - finish Courtney 's very unfinished basement and turn it into a sublet , or , more likely , to have F shuttle him back and forth to his old place at midnight every night . Then I got the email yesterday . It was from our Caritas lawyer , who , in turn , had heard from his original and cold hearted lawyer . My eyes scanned the page until I hit the words mi spiace , I 'm sorry . At first , I didn 't know if it would even have any impact that he had lost his third level appeal case for Italy 's protection . His nice lawyer in the south of Italy told us that day would come and that he had a hail Mary play which would depend on Emmanuel 's ability to get a job . We were so close . I texted the first lawyer who had represented him for the appeal . I begged her to let me know where are plans for his new job stood . She told me she was eating lunch . I continued to text her . Is he allowed to work ? She wrote back : He is not allowed to stay . I couldn 't get to the nicer lawyer for another few hours , during which time I cried so hard that my sinuses swelled up and I couldn 't see straight . He told me that in southern Italy , you can go into the police station and demand a new start , but he doesn 't know how it works up here . Well , it doesn 't work like that . I called the Caritas lawyers because we already have an appointment with them for Tina 's passport nightmare on Monday . I begged Roberto to let us bring Emmanuel . I wrote the chef , who I had told in advance of Emmanuel 's regularly scheduled appointment where he was supposed to pick up his beautiful , new permesson on Tuesday . I told him that we changed the appointment to Monday so that there would be fewer work interruptions . He wacomments

Benjamin West , the father of American painting , showed his talent for art when he was only six years of age . But he did not know about brushes before a visitor told him he needed one . In those days , a brush was made from camel 's hair . There were no camels nearby . Benjamin decided that cat hair would work instead . He cut some fur from the family cat to make a brush . The brush did not last long . Soon Benjamin needed more fur . Before long , the cat began to look ragged （ 蓬乱 ） . His father said that the cat must be sick . Benjamin was forced to admit what he had been doing . The cat 's lot was about to improve . That year , one of Benjamin 's cousins , Mr . Pennington , came to visit . He was impressed with Benjamin 's drawings . When he went home , he sent Benjamin a box of paint and some brushes . He also sent six engravings （ 版画 ） by an artist . These were the first pictures and first real paint and brushes Benjamin had ever seen . In 1747 , when Benjamin was nine years old , Mr . Pennington returned for another visit . He was amazed at what Benjamin had done with his gift . He asked Benjamin 's parents if he might take the boy to Philadelphia for a visit . In the city , Mr . Pennington gave Benjamin materials for creating oil paintings . The boy began a landscape ( 风景 ) painting . William Williams , a well - known painter , came to see him work . Williams was impressed with Benjamin and gave him two classic books on painting to take home . The books were long and dull . Benjamin could read only a little , having been a poor student . But he later said , ＂ Those two books were my companions by day , and under my pillow at night . ＂ While it is likely that he understood very little of the books , they were his introduction to classical paintings . The nine - year - old boy decided then that he would be an artist . 21 . What is the text mainly about ? A . Benjamin 's visit to Philadelphia . B . Williams ' influence on Benjamin . C . The beginning of Benjamin 's life as an artist . D . The friendship between Benjamin and Pennington . 22 . What does t难度 ： 使用次数 ： 1 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 20 来源 ： 2017年普通高等学校招生全国统一考试英语 （ 天津卷 ） 试题及答案 解析 . DOC Fifteen years ago , I took a summer vacation in Lecce in southern Italy . After climbing up a hill for a panoramic ( 全景的 ) view of the blue sea , white buildings and green olive trees , I paused to catch my breath and then positioned myself to take the best photo of this panorama . Unfortunately , just as I took out my camera , a woman approached from behind , and planted herself right in front of my view . Like me , this woman was here to stop , sigh and appreciate the view . Patient as I was , after about 15 minutes , my camera scanning the sun and reviewing the shot I would eventually take , I grew frustrated . Was it too much to ask her to move so I could take just one picture of the landscape ? Sure , I could have asked her , but something prevented me from doing so . She seemed so content in her observation . I didn 't want to mess with that . Another 15 minutes passed and I grew bored . The woman was still there . I decided to take the photo anyway . And now when I look at it , I think her presence in the photo is what makes the image interesting . The landscape , beautiful on its own , somehow comes to life and breathes because this woman is engaging with it . This photo , with the unique beauty that unfolded before me and that woman who " ruined " it , now hangs on a wall in my bedroom . What would she think if she knew that her figure is captured ( 捕捉 ) and frozen on some stranger 's bedroom wall ? A bedroom , after all , is a very private space , in which some woman I don 't even know has been immortalized ( 使 …… 永存 ) . In some ways , she lives in my house . Perhaps we all live in each others ' spaces . Perhaps this is what photos are for : to remind us that we all appreciate beauty , that we all share a common desire for pleasure , for connection , for something that is greater than us . That photo is a reminder , a captured moment , an unspoken conversation between two women , separated only by a thin square of glass . 41 . What happened when the author was about to take a photo ? A . Her camera stopped working . B . A woman blocked her vi难度 ： 使用次数 ： 1 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 20 来源 ： 2017年普通高等学校招生全国统一考试英语 （ 全国Ⅰ卷 ） 试题及答案 解析 . DOC I work with Volunteers for Wildlife , a rescue and education organization at Bailey Arboretum in Locust Valley . Trying to help injured , displaced or sick creatures can be heartbreaking ; survival is never certain . However , when it works , it is simply beautiful . I got a rescue call from a woman in Muttontown . She had found a young owl ( 猫头鹰 ) on the ground . When I arrived , I saw a 2 - to 3 - week - old owl . It had already been placed in a carrier for safety . I examined the chick ( 雏鸟 ) and it seemed fine . If I could locate the nest , I might have been able to put it back , but no luck . My next work was to construct a nest and anchor it in a tree . The homeowner was very helpful . A wire basket was found . I put some pine branches into the basket to make this nest safe and comfortable . I placed the chick in the nest , and it quickly calmed down . Now all that was needed were the parents , but they were absent . I gave the homeowner a recording of the hunger screams of owl chicks . These advertise the presence of chicks to adults ; they might also encourage our chick to start calling as well . I gave the owner as much information as possible and headed home to see what news the night might bring . A nervous night to be sure , but sometimes the spirits of nature smile on us all ! The homeowner called to say that the parents had responded to the recordings . I drove over and saw the chick in the nest looking healthy and active . And it was accompanied in the nest by the greatest sight of all - LUNCH ！ The parents had done their duty and would probably continue to do so . 24 . What is unavoidable in the author 's rescue work according ro paragraph 1 ? A . Efforts made in vain . B . Getting injured in his work . C . Feeling uncertain about his future . D . Creatures forced out of their homes . 25 . Why was the author called to Muttontown ? A . To rescue a woman . B . To take care of a woman . C . To look at a baby owl . D . To cure a young owl . 26 . What made the chick calm down ? A . A new nest . B . Some food . C . A recording . D . Its parents . 27 . How would the author feel about难度 ： 使用次数 ： 1 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 20 来源 ： 2017年普通高等学校招生全国统一考试英语 （ 北京卷 ） 试题及答案 解析 . DOC It was a cold March day in High Point , North Carolina . The girls on the Wesleyan Academy softball were waiting for their next turns at bat during practice , stamping their feet to stay warm , Eighth - grader Taylor Bisbee shivered ( 发抖 ) a little as she watched her teammate Paris White play . The two didn 't know each other well - Taylor had just moved to town a month or so before . Suddenly , Paris fell to the ground , " Paris 's eye rolled back , " Taylor says . " She started shaking . I knew it was an emergency . " It certainly was , Paris had suffered a sudden heart failure . Without immediate medical care , Paris would die . At first no one moved . The girls were in shock . Then the softball coach shouted out , " Does anyone know CPR ? " CPR is a life - saving technique . To do CPR , you press on the sick person 's chest so that blood moves through the body and takes oxygen to organs . Without oxygen the brain is damaging quickly . Amazingly , Taylor had just taken a CPR course the day before . Still , she hesitated . She didn 't think she knew it well enough . But when no one else came forward , Taylor ran to Paris and began doing CPR , " It was scary . I knew it was the difference between life and death , " says Taylor . Taylor 's swift action helped her teammates calm down . One girl called 911 . Two more ran to get the school nurse , who brought a defibrillator , an electronic devices ( 器械 ) that can shock the heart back into work . Luck stayed with them : Paris ' heartbeat returned . " I know I was really lucky , " Paris says now . " Most people don 't survive this . My team saved my life . " Experts say Paris is right : For a sudden heart failure , the single best chance for survival is having someone nearby step in and do CPR quickly . Today , Paris is back on the softball team . Taylor will apply to college soon . She wants to be a nurse . " I feel more confident in my actions now , " Taylor says . " I know I can act under pressure in a scary situation . " 56 . What happened to Paris on a March day ? A . She caught a bad cold . B . She 难度 ： 使用次数 ： 2 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 20 来源 ： 2017年普通高等学校招生全国统一考试英语 （ 全国Ⅱ卷 ） 试题及答案 解析 . DOC I first met Paul Newman in 1968 , when George Roy Hill , the director of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid , introduced us in New York City . When the studio didn 't want me for the film - it wanted somebody as well known as Paul - he stood up for me . I don 't know how many people would have done that ; they would have listened to their agents or the studio powers . The friendship that grew out of the experience of making that film and The Sting four years later had its root in the fact that although there was an age difference , we both came from a tradition of theater and live TV . We were respectful of craft （ 技艺 ） and focused on digging into the characters we were going to play . Both of us had the qualities and virtues that are typical of American actors : humorous , aggressive , and making fun of each other - but always with an underlying affection . Those were also at the core （ 核心 ） of our relationship off the screen . We shared the brief that if you 're fortunate enough to have success , you should put something back - he with his Newman 's Own food and his Hole in the Wall camps for kids who are seriously ill , and me with Sundance and the institute and the festival . Paul and I didn 't see each other all that regularly , zxx . k but sharing that brought us together . We supported each other financially and by showing up at events . I last saw him a few months ago . He 'd been in and out of the hospital . He and I both knew what the deal was , and we didn 't talk about it . Ours was a relationship that didn 't need a lot of words . 24 . Why was the studio unwilling to give the role to author at first ? A . Paul Newman wanted it . B . The studio powers didn 't like his agent . C . He wasn 't famous enough . D . The director recommended someone else . 25 . Why did Paul and the author have a lasting friendship ? A . They were of the same dge . B . They worked in the same theater . C . They were both good actors . D . They han similar charactertics . 26 . What does the underlined word " that " in paragraph 3 refer to ? A . Their belief . B . Their 难度 ： 使用次数 ： 1 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省沾益县第一中学2016 - 2017学年高一下学期第二次质量检测英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc Richard Williams works hard . He 's clever , careful , and fast . His work is dangerous . Richard thinks of himself as a professional - a professional thief . Yesterday was a typical day . Richard dressed in a business suit , took his briefcase ( 手提箱 ) , and drove to a town about ten miles from his home . He parked his car in a busy area , then began to walk along the street . No one looked at him . He was another businessman walking to work . At 8 : 05 , Richard saw what he wanted . A man was leaving his house . Richard walked around the block again . At 8 : 10 , he watched a woman leave the same house . After she left , Richard worked quickly . He walked to the side of the house and stood behind a tree . He took a screwdriver ( 螺丝刀 ) out of his briefcase and quickly opened the window and climbed in . First , he looked through the desk in the living room . He found ＄ 200 in cash ( 现金 ) . In the dining room , he put the silverware ( 银器 ) into his briefcase . The next stop was the bedroom . Richard stole a diamond ring and an emerald ( 祖母绿宝石 ) necklace . Richard passed a color TV , a stereo ( 音响 ) , and a camera , but he didn 't touch them . Everything had to fit into his briefcase . In less than five minutes , Richand climbed back out the window . He looked around carefully , then began his walk down the street again . No one looked at him . He was just another businessman , walking to work . 32 . Why did Richard wear a business suit ? A . Because he is a businessman . B . Because he works hard . C . Because he is a thief . D . Because he didn 't want to draw others ' attention to him . 33 . Richard ____ , after the man left his house . A . stood behind a tree B . walked around the block again C . entered the house D . opened the window with a screwdriver 34 . No one saw Richard get into the house because ____ . A . it was night time B . he ran very fast C . he was very clever and fast D . he stood behind a tree 35 . How long did Richard stay in the house ? A . Five minutes . B . One hour . C . Nearly five minutes . D . Fifteen minutes . 纠错评论 [ 永久链 难度 ： 使用次数 ： 1 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省沾益县第一中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期第二次质量检测英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc / ju Many years ago , I made a living by driving a car . One night I went to pick up a passenger at 2 : 30 am . When I arrived to collect , I found the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window . I walked to the door and knocked . " Just a minute , " answered a weak , elderly voice . After a long pause , the door opened . A small woman in her eighties stood before me . By her side was a small suitcase . I took the suitcase to the car , and then returned to help the woman . She took my arm and we walked slowly towards the car . She kept thanking me for my kindness . " It 's nothing , " I told her , " I just try to treat my passengers in the way I would want my mother treated . " " Oh , you 're such a good man , " she said . When we got into the taxi , she gave me an address , and then asked , " Could you drive through downtown ? " " It 's not the shortest way , " I answered quickly . " Oh , I 'm in no hurry , " she said . " I 'm on my way to a hospice ( 临终医院 ) . I don 't have any family left . The doctor says I don 't have very long time . " I quietly reached over and shut off the meter ( 计价器 ) . For the next two hours , we drove through the city . She showed me the building where she had once worked , the neighborhood where she had lived , and the furniture shop that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl . Sometimes she 'd ask me to slow down in front of a particular building and would sit staring into the darkness , saying nothing . At dawn , she suddenly said , " I 'm tired . Let 's go now . " We drove in silence to the address she had given me . " How much do I owe you ? " she asked . " Nothing , " I said . " You have to make a living , " she answered . " Oh , there are other passengers , " I answered . Almost without thinking , I bent and gave her a hug . She held onto me tightly . Our hug ended with her remark , " You gave an old woman a little moment of joy . " 33 . The old woman chose to ride through the city in order to ______ . A . show she was familiar with the city B . see some places f难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省沾益县第一中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期第二次质量检测英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc There was once an old wise man living on the top of a mountain . Whenever the villagers had a problem , they would climb up the mountain and ask the old man for advice . One day a young man arrived . " Wise man , " he asked , " What makes a man truly great ? " The old man said , " Do you sincerely want to know ? " " Yes , yes ! " the young man replied . " Well , " the wise old man said to him , " Let me tell you in the form of a story . " There was once a Greek man who suffered from a deadly disease . Knowing that he would die soon , he was the first to join the army when his country was in a battle with the enemy . Hoping to die in battle , he would fight in the front line , risking himself without any worry for his life . Finally they won the battle and he was still alive . His general ( 将军 ) was so impressed with his bravery which contributed much to the victory . The general decided to promote him and award him with medals of bravery and honor . On the day of presentation ( 授予仪式 ) , he was looking very down and sad . Curiously , the general asked him why he was so sad on a day he should be so proud . The soldier told him of his deadly disease . " How could I let such a brave soldier die ? " the general thought . So the general hired the best physician and finally cured the soldier . But from that day on , the once valiant soldier was no longer seen at the front . He would always avoid danger and tried his best to protect his life . " Young man , " the wise man said , " if you want to be truly great , you must not be afraid of dying , you must be daring . " 29 ． The reason why the young man went to see the old man was that . A . he enjoyed the scenery of the great mountain B . the old man was very good at telling stories C . there was a difficult problem troubling him D . he was not sure who the greatest man was 30 ． The general decided to award the Greek man . A . after he realized the man 's serious illness B . because the man fought bravely in battle C . though he knew the man would die soon D . so that he could find the man a 难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省绥江县第一中学2016 - 2017学年高二4月月考英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc Once there was an artist who had painted many famous pictures found that he had not yet painted one " real " picture . In his 41 along a dusty road , he met an aged priest ( 牧师 ) who asked him where he was going . " I do not know . " Said the artist , " I want to paint the most beautiful thing in the world . Perhaps you can 42 me to it . " " How simple , " replied the priest , " in any church , you will find it - - - ' Faith ' is the most beautiful thing in the world . " The artist traveled on . 43 , he met a young bride who told him that the most beautiful thing in the world is " Love " . " Love 44 the world go round . It 45 poverty into riches , sweetens tears and makes much of little . 46 love there is no beauty . Still the artist 47 his search and met a weary （ 困倦的 ） soldier . The artist asked him the 48 question and the soldier answered , " ' Peace ' is the most beautiful thing in the world , ' War ' is ugly and 49 you find Peace ， you 'll find Beauty , Faith and Love . " " How can I 50 them - Faith , Love and Peace " thought the artist . As he continued his walk , his mind 51 the " real " picture he hoped to paint . He was 52 that without thinking where he was going , he had reached his 53 surroundings . As he entered the doorway , light glistened ( 闪光 ) in his eyes and he 54 that his search was over . In the 55 of his wife and children , he saw Love and Faith , " Not a minute passed by that our children and I had not 56 you . We prayed that you would return to us 57 , " his wife said as they embraced him . He sat on his 58 old chair and his heart was at 59 . Finally , the artist painted the most beautiful thing in the world and called it " 60 " . 41 . A . path B . trip C . search D . imagination 42 . A . adjust B . direct C . apply D . force 43 . A . Later B . Earlier C . Nowadays D . Finally 44 . A . expects B . appreciates C . demands D . makes 45 . A . advises B . charges C . results D . builds 46 . A . Without B . Except C . Including D . Besides 47 . A . broke B . continued C . insisted D . stopped 48 . A . opposite B . important C . s难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省绥江县第一中学2016 - 2017学年高二4月月考英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc Grandparents Answer a Call As a third generation native of Brownsville , Texas , Mildred Garza never pleased move away . Even when her daughter and son asked her to move to San Antonio to help their children , she politely refused . Only after a year of friendly discussion did Ms . Gaf finally say yes . That was four years ago . Today all three generations regard the move to a success , giving them a closer relationship than they would have had in separate cities . No statistics show the number of grandparents like Garza who are moving closer to the children and grandchildren . Yet there is evidence suggesting that the trend is growing . Even President Obama 's mother - in - law , Marian Robinson , has agreed to leave Chicago and into the White House to help care for her granddaughters . According to a study grandparents com . 83 percent of the people said Mrs . Robinson 's decision will influence the grandparents in the American family . Two - thirds believe more families will follow the example of Obama 's family . " In the 1960s we were all a little wild and couldn 't get away from home far enough fast enough to prove we could do it on our own , " says Christine Crosby , publisher of Grate magazine for grandparents . We now realize how important family is and how important to be near them , especially when you 're raining children . " Moving is not for everyone . Almost every grandparent wants to be with his or her grandchildren and is willing to make sacrifices , but sometimes it is wiser to say no and visit frequently instead . Having your grandchildren far away is hard , especially knowing your adult child is struggling , but giving up the life you know may be harder . 25 . Why was Garza 's move a success ? A . It strengthened her family ties . B . It improved her living conditions . C . It enabled her make more friends . D . It helped her know more new places . 26 . What was the reaction of the public to Mrs . Robinson 's decision ? A . 17 % expressed their support for it . B . Few people responded sympathetically . C . 83 % believed it had a bad inf难度 ： 使用次数 ： 1 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省南涧县民族中学2016 - 2017学年高一下学期期中考试英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc Jolly Joe always arrived at my neighborhood at exactly half past noon . The clang ( 叮当声 ) of the bell on his red and black truck was then the sweetest sound in the world . Brightly colored stickers advertising his amazing kinds of treats could be found on all sides of his truck . The whole neighborhood would magically come to life . Holding a nickel ( 五分镍币 ) , I 'd run to the back of the vehicle , where children were already gathering . Jolly Joe would jump out of his truck , the sun shining on his hair . He was an older man , short and round , with a pleasant face and a welcoming smile . I don 't know how , but he knew us all by name , as well as which treats we preferred . My favorite was the Buried Treasure . By eating all the ice cream , you 'd discover the treasure inside : a lion , a dog or even a funny clown - printed onto a plastic stick . When it was finally my turn , he 'd put his arm deep inside one of the boxes , and pause ( 停顿 ) for a moment , a puzzled look crossing his face . Then , suddenly , he 'd pull it out : the Buried Treasure ! I couldn 't wait to enjoy the cool , sweet ice cream . As quickly as he arrived , it was time for Jolly Joe to go , leaving behind laughing , excited children with sticky hands and faces . Soon the sound of his clanging bell would slowly disappear in the distance . I always hated to see Jolly Joe go , because I knew the rest of the day would be as hot and boring as before . But I took some comfort in knowing that the next day he 'd come round the corner at half past noon and once again spread his magic . 32 . Jolly Joe was liked mostly by _____ . A . children B . passengers C . advertisers D . drivers 33 . Why did the author like the Buried Treasure best ? A . It gave great pleasure to his pet . B . It was the cheapest of all the treats . C . It contained something very interesting . D . It was the most delicious of all the treats . 34 . Which of the following can best describe Jolly Joe ? A . Dishonest and tricky . B . Wealthy and kind . C . Brave and hard - working . D . Happy and humorous . 35 . What would be 难度 ： 使用次数 ： 2 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 云南省南涧县民族中学2016 - 2017学年高一下学期期中考试英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc When I was six , Dad brought home a dog one day , who was called " Brownie " . My brothers and I all loved Brownie and did different things with her . One of us would walk her , another would feed her , then there were baths , playing catch and many other games . Brownie , in return , loved each and every one of us . One thing that most touched my heart was that she would go to whoever was sick and just be with them . We always felt better when she was around . One day , as I was getting her food , she chewed up ( 咬破 ) one of my Dad 's shoes , which had to be thrown away in the end . I knew Dad would be mad and I had to let her know what she did was wrong . When I looked at her and said , " Bad girl , " she looked down at the ground and then went and hid . I saw a tear in her eyes . Brownie turned out to be more than just our family pet . She went everywhere with us . People would stop and ask if they could pet her . Of course she 'd let anyone pet her . She was just the most lovable dog . There were many times when we 'd be out walking and a small child would come over and pull on her hair . She never barked ( 吠 ) or tried to get away . Funny thing is that she would smile . This frightened people because they thought she was showing her teeth . Far from the truth , she loved everyone . Now many years have passed since Brownie died of old age . I still miss the days when she was with us . 28 . What would Brownie do when someone was ill in the family ? A . Look at them sadly . B . Stay with them . C . Play games with them . D . Touch them gently . 29 . We can infer from Paragraph 2 that Brownie ________ . A . would eat anything when hungry B . felt sorry for her mistake C . loved playing hide - and - seek D . disliked the author 's dad 30 . Some people got frightened by Brownie when she ________ . A . smiled B . barked C . rushed to them D . tried to be funny 31 . Which of the following best describes Brownie ? A . Shy . B . Polite . C . Rude . D . Caring . 纠错评论 [ 永久链接 ] 题型 ： 阅读理解 知识点 ： 人物传记 / 故事类阅读 Johnny Smith was a good math student at a high school . He loved his computer . He came home early every day , then he worked with it till midnight . But Johnny was not a good English student , not good at all . He got an F in his English class . One day after school Johnny joined his computer to the computer in his high school office . The school office computer had the grades of all the students : the math grades , the science grades , the grades in arts and music , and the grades in English . He found his English grade . An F ! Johnny changed his English grade from an F to A . Johnny ' parents looked at his report card . They were very happy . " An A in English ! " said Johnny 's Dad . " You 're a very clever boy , Johnny . " Johnny is a hacker （ 黑客 ） . Hackers know how to take information from other computers and put new information in . Using a modem （ 调制解调器 ） , they join their computers to other computers secretly . School headmasters and teachers are worried about hackers . So are the police , for some people even take money from bank computer account （ 账户 ） and put it into their own ones . And they never have to leave home to do it ! They are called hackers . 24 . Johnny changed his English grade with the computer in _______ . A . the classroom B . the school office C . a bank near his house D . his own house 25 . When Johnny 's parents saw the report , they were happy because _______ . A . Johnny was good at math B . Johnny loved computers C . Johnny could join one computer to another D . they thought Johnny was not poor in English any longer 26 . Who are worried about hackers in the story ? . A . Johnny 's parents . B . School headmasters , teachers and the police . C . The police . D . School headmasters and teachers . 27 . What should the hackers know well , do you think , after you read this story ? . A . Information . B . Back computer accounts . C . Computers . D . Grades . 纠错评论 [ 永久链接 ] 题型 ： 阅读理解 知识点 ： 人物传记 / 故事类阅读 Many parents have learned the hard way that what sounds like open communication is often the very thing that closes a youngster 's ears and mouth . One common mistake is the Lecture , the long monologue that often starts with " When I was your age … . " Eighteen - year - old Kelly calls lectures " long , one - side discussions in which I don 't say much . " Kids reflexively （ 条件反射地 ） shut down in the face of a lecture . Their eyes glaze over （ 呆滞 ） , and they don 't register any incoming information . Listen to 13 - year - old Sarah describe her least favorite times with her mom and dad . " First , they scream . Then comes the ' We 're so disappointed ' speech . Then the ' I never did that to my parents ' lecture begins . After that , even if they realize how ridiculous they sound , they never take it back . " Lines like " When you have children of your own , you 'll understand " have been seriously said by parents since time immemorial . But many of our expert parents , like Bobby , a registered nurse and mother of three , feel that by falling back on clichés （ 陈词滥调 ） to justify our actions , we weaken our position . Since kids are creatures of here and now , the far - off future has no relevance to them . Therefore , good communicators like Bobby suggest , " Give specific reasons for your actions in present language : ' I 'm not letting you go to the party because I don 't think there will be enough adult supervisions （ 监护 ） . ' " Betty , who lives in Missouri , uses an indirect approach . " I find that warnings are accepted more readily if I discuss a news article on a subject I am concerned about . My husband and I talk about it while our children absorb the information . Then they never think I 'm preaching ( 布道 ) . " This really helped when Betty 's kids began driving . Instead of constantly repeating " Don 't drink ; don 't speed , " she would talk about articles in the paper and express sympathy for the victims of a car crash . Betty made no special effort to draw her kids into the conversation难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 天津市第一中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期期中考试英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc It was the summer of 1965 . DeLuca , then 17 , visited Peter Buck , a family friend . Buck asked DeLuca about his plans for the future . " I 'm going to college , but I need a way to pay for it , " DeLuca recalls saying . " Buck said , ' You should open a sandwich shop . ' " That afternoon , they agreed to be partners . And they set a goal : to open 32 stores in ten years . After doing some research , buck wrote a check for $ 1000 . DeLuca rented a storefront ( 店面 ) in Connecticut , and when they couldn 't cover their start - up costs , Buck kicked in another $ 1000 . But business didn 't go smoothly as they expected . DeLuca says , " After six months , we were doing poorly , but we didn 't know how badly , because we didn 't have any financial controls . " All he and Buck knew was that their sales were lower than their costs . DeLuca was managing the store and going to the University of Bridgeport at the same time . Buck was working at his day job as a nuclear physicist in New York . They 'd meet Monday evenings and brainstorm ideas for keeping the business running . " We convinced ourselves to open a second store . We figured we could tell the public , ' We are so successful , we are opening a second store . ' " And they did - in the spring of 1966 . Still , it was a lot of learning by trial and error . But the partners ' learn - as - you - go approach turned out to be their greatest strength . Every Friday , DeLuca would drive around and hand - deliver the checks to pay their suppliers . " It probably took me two and a half hours and it wasn 't necessary , but as a result , the suppliers got to know me very well , and the personal relationships established really helped out , " DeLuca says . And having a goal was also important . " There are so many problems that can get you down . You just have to keep working toward your goal , " DeLuca adds . DeLuca ended up founding Subway Sandwich , the multimillion - dollar restaurant chain . 41 . DeLuca opened the first sandwich shop in order to . A . support his family B . pay for his college education C . help难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 四川省中江县龙台中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期期中考试英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc A woman was walking her dog along a beach in New Zealand in late June when she saw something that looked like a white ball in the sand . It turned out to be a young Emperor penguin that was lost . At his age , he should have been close to the Antarctic , swimming for fish and playing on the ice floes ( 冰川 ) . But this penguin started swimming north and just kept going . The penguin attracted a lot of attention in New Zealand . It has been 40 years since an Emperor penguin was last seen there . Researchers at the Department of Conservation were called in . They decided to watch the penguin closely , but not to disturb it in any way . Many New Zealanders came to Peka Beach to look at the elegant penguin . They were careful to keep their dogs away from it so it wouldn 't be frightened . The public nicknamed the animal Happy Feet . Researchers started to notice that Happy Feet didn 't seem well . It turns out that he had been eating the sand from the beach , likely thinking it was snow . The public raised more than 11 , 000 pounds for an operation to get the sand out of his stomach . The operation was a success , and Happy Feet was taken to a zoo in Wellington , NZ . A group of experts met to decide how to help Happy Feet return to the wild . Last Sunday , they put him on a boat called the Tangaroa , in a specially built ice - filled box and took him out into the Southern Ocean , southeast of New Zealand . There , they released him into the ocean , which is his natural habitat . He took one last look at his human helpers and then dived into the ocean . " Emperor penguins spend their first five years at sea , " said Peter Simpson of New Zealand 's Department of Conservation . " What happens now is up to the penguin . " Happy Feet was fitted with a satellite transmitter ( 发射机 ) so they can monitor his progress using the Internet . So far , the trackers shows that he swam northeast for a little while before getting his bearings and heading south . 28 . Where is the young penguin supposed to appear ? A ． On the sunny beach B . Inside the hole in the i难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 四川省天全中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期3月月考英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc Lisa , a middle - aged woman , went to prepare lunch , leaving her 3 - year - old son , Barney , playing by himself in the backyard . All of a sudden , a sharp cry of Barney came into the mother 's ears , and Lisa rushed into the backyard and found a big snake entwining （ 纠缠 ） the little child with its body and trying to swallow the boy . Lisa was terrified and quite angry . She made up her mind to save her son from the snake 's mouth . It was a fearless mother 's love that made Lisa forget what she faced . She took up an old hatchet （ 斧头 ） from the ground and struck the snake with all her strength . One . . . two . . . With the hatchet , Lisa hit the snake again and again , but she felt as if she were striking a mass of solid ( 坚固的 ) rubber . The little boy 's voice and breath were getting weaker and weaker . Lisa 's heart was broken and she nearly went mad . Suddenly Lisa put aside the hatchet and threw herself on to the snake , opened her mouth and bit into its back , as if tearing a tough steak （ 牛排 ） . Lisa was really mad . A small piece of flesh was bitten off . Lisa picked up the hatchet again and hit at the wound in the snake 's back madly and savagely . Stinking blood was spraying out of the snake 's body . The snake was so badly wounded that it let go of Barney and moved back into the forest . It had never imagined that human beings had such terrible , sharp teeth . Halfway home , the snake died . 32 . Why did Lisa fail in killing the snake at first ? A . Because she was afraid that what she did would hurt her son . B . Because the hatchet was not sharp enough and the snake 's skin was too hard . C . Because the snake was even stronger than Lisa . D . Because she was too astonished to do anything . 33 . ________ , so she bit the snake . A . Lisa was really driven mad B . Lisa thought her teeth were much sharper than the hatchet C . Lisa couldn 't refuse the temptation of the snake 's meat D . Lisa had not got any other way to deal with the snake 34 . From the story , we learned that it was a mother 's love that made ___________ . A . Barney brave B . the snake难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 四川省天全中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期3月月考英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc Jimmy is an automotive mechanic , but he lost his job a few months ago . He has good heart , but always feared applying for a new job . One day , he gathered up all his strength and decided to attend a job interview . His appointment was at 10 am and it was already 8 : 30 . While waiting for a bus to the office where he was supposed to be interviewed , he saw an elderly man wildly kicking the tyre of his car . Obviously there was something wrong with the car . Jimmy immediately went up to lend him a hand . When Jimmy finished working on the car , the old man asked him how much he should pay for the service . Jimmy said there was no need to pay him ; he just helped someone in need , and he had to rush for an interview . Then the old man said , " Well , I could take you to the office for your interview . It 's the least I could do . Please . I insist . " Jimmy agreed . Upon arrival , Jimmy found a long line of applicants waiting to be interviewed . Jimmy still had some grease on him after the car repair , but he did not have much time to wash it off or have a change of shirt . One by one , the applicants left the interviewer 's office with disappointed look on their faces . Finally his name was called . The interviewer was sitting on a large chair facing the office window . Rocking the chair back and forth , he asked , " Do you really need to be interviewed ? " Jimmy 's heart sank . " With the way I look now , how could I possibly pass this interview ? " he thought to himself . Then the interviewer turned the chair and to Jimmy 's surprise , it was the old man he helped earlier in the morning . It turned out he was the General Manager of the company . " Sorry I had to keep you waiting , but I was pretty sure I made the right decision to have you as part of our workforce before you even stepped into the office . I just know you 'd be a trustworthy worker . Congratulations ! " Jimmy sat down and they shared a cup of well - deserved coffee as he landed himself a new job . 28 . Why did Jimmy apply for a new job ? A . He was out of work B . He was bored with h难度 ： 使用次数 ： 0 入库时间 ： 2017 - 06 - 16 来源 ： 四川省天全中学2016 - 2017学年高二下学期3月月考英语试题 Word版含答案 . doc A young woman carrying a three - year - old child got on a bus . The conductor hurried to give her a warm welcome and then kindly asked the other passengers to make more room for the woman and her child . On seeing this , people began to talk . " You know this conductor used to be very rude . Now suddenly he has changed his bad behavior , " said a middle - aged man . " Yes , he should be praised and we must write a letter to the company , " said a second passenger . " That 's right , " another lady said , " I wish a newspaper reporter were here so that more people could learn from this conductor . " Just then a gentleman who looked like a teacher turned to the conductor and said , " Excuse me , but can I know your name , please ? Your excellent service must be praised . " Before he could open his mouth , the three - year - old child sitting on the young woman 's lap interrupted , " I know his name . I call him Dad . " 21 . The passengers were ______ to see the conductor 's kindness to the woman and the child . A . excited B . pleased C . interested D . surprised 22 . One passenger suggested writing a letter to the company to ______ . A . make a demand for more buses B . thank the conductor for his good service C . criticize the conductor for his rude behavior D . invite a newspaper reporter to write about the conductor 23 . It is clear from the story that the conductor _______ . A . has changed his attitude towards his work B . has now been kind and polite to all passengers C . has not changed his rude behavior to passengers D . has now been kind and polite to women with children 纠错评论 [ 永久链接 ] 题型 ： 阅读理解 知识点 ： 人物传记 / 故事类阅读 I still remember my first day at school in London and I was half - excited and half - frightened . On my way to school I wondered what sort of questions the other boys would ask me and practiced all the answers : " I am nine years old . I was born here but I haven 't lived here since I was two . I was living in Farley . It 's about thirty miles away . I came back to London two months ago . " I also wondered if it was the custom for boys to fight strangers like me , but I was tall for my age . I hoped they would decide not to risk it . No one took any notice of me before school . I stood in the center of the playground , expecting someone to say " hello " , but no one spoke to me . When a teacher called my name and told me where my classroom was , one or two boys looked at me but that was all . My teacher was called Mr . Jones . There were 42 boys in the class , so I didn 't stand out there , either , until the first lesson of the afternoon . Mr . Jones was very fond of Charles Dickens and he had decided to read aloud to us from David Copperfield , but first he asked several boys if they knew Dickens ' birthplace , but no one guessed right . A boy called Brian , the biggest in the class , said : " Timbuktu " , and Mr . Jones went red in the face . Then he asked me . I said : " Portsmouth " , and everyone stared at me because Mr . Jones said I was right . This didn 't make me very popular , of course . " He thinks he 's clever , " I heard Brian say . After that , we went out to the playground to play football . I was in Brian 's team , and he obviously had Dickens in mind because he told me to go in goal . No one ever wanted to be the goalkeeper . " He 's big enough and useless enough . " Brian said when someone asked him why he had chosen me . I suppose Mr . Jones , who served as the judge , remembered Dickens , too , because when the game was nearly over , Brian pushed one of the players on the other team , and he gave them a penalty ( 惩罚 ) . As the boy kicked the ball to my right , I threw myself down instinctively ( 本能地 ) and saved it . All my te1 2

If I thought the rest of the school day would be without event , I was mistaken . After the bizarre attack from the math teacher , Chinatsu wandered off down the hall , and Mrs Thomas went back to her office , leaving Angela and I alone . We watched the other students eye us warily and go to their classes . " I don 't know , " I replied . I didn 't say as much , but I felt it was connected to last night 's assault . That 's not what puzzled me though . It was the few words he said to me . Icarus . This wasn 't the first occasion I 'd heard it , but this time It had sounded almost derogatory . Was he calling me a name , or was it a code word , a clue to the vampire master 's identity ? What did Icarus even mean anyway ? And why did he say soon it would be my turn ? My turn for what ? The slave and master thing didn 't sound too promising either . After all , I didn 't think he was talking about Fifty Shades Of Grey . She shook her head . " Yeah . Last night there were like three guys sitting on the low wall across the street . Just chilling . They kept looking up at my house like Lana Del Rey lived there or something . I looked out the window one time and they even waved at me . I shot them the finger and they all laughed . " " No , never seen them before . They were older , like college guys or something . Normally , I 'd find that inviting , but last night it was creepy . The last time I looked out they had come off the wall and were in the middle of the street . Then this other guy came walking down the street and they took off . I guess they didn 't want anyone but me to notice them . Bunch of freaks . " " Yeah , that 's freaky . " I wanted to tell her what had happened to me but I couldn 't . I felt like I would regret it later , but I had to keep my silence . But actually it does . A worse notion is an invasion of evil vampires taking over the school and all of Chelsea Valley . I was hoping that Haru and Ryo were having some luck today finding Bram . While Angela was stuck in Spanish Class , I had to endure Art . Normally it was one of my favorite classes , but I couldn 't quite concentrate on the assignment . The class was halfway over when Miss Thomas came looking for me and asked that I accompany her to her office . She nodded her head and seemed to be contemplating saying anything further . She picked up a pen and nervously twirled it between her fingers . After a moment , she set it down and said what was really on her mind . " Mr . Sharp has been taken into police custody . He will be taken to the hospital to be evaluated . Detectives will want to question you eventually , I imagine . Are you okay with that ? " The school will have to notify your mother as to what happened . But before we do , is there anything you 'd like to tell me ? Something the school should know ? " " No . He 's not even one of my teachers . I 've never spoken to him or acknowledged him in any way before . I mean , I know who he is . He 's a popular teacher , but I wasn 't aware he knew me . " " Angela and I were walking down the hall . We saw some people outside the classroom and when we got there and looked in , he was at his desk foaming at the mouth . Then he got up and attacked me . " " No , mam , " I lied . I didn 't think she 'd understand any of his words to me . There was no point in divulging them to anyone except my Asian vampire friends . I wasn 't so sure about that . I mean , could I really trust her enough to say there were vampires in Chelsea Valley ? No , I didn 't think so . It was best that the less she knew , the better off she would be . Ignorance is bliss . " I know the things you go through as a teenager , " she continued . " I was there myself once . I know that the culture may be different than when I grew up , but the feelings are the same . I will understand anything you tell me and try my best to help you through it . " " Well … um … . Icarus I believe , if this is what you are referring to … he was a figure in Greek Mythology . He flew too close to the sun . Um , I never was much into mythology myself . Perhaps you should ask your history teacher about it . I believe they may … . " " I don 't know , Ang . She was like trying to be my friend and stuff . It was kind of weird , the more I think about it . " She looked at me and frowned , as if the mention of our history teacher was another bone of contention between us . " No . We had a substitute first period . Probably stuck up Ryo 's ass . " " I don 't know what he sees in her , " Angela lamented . " She 's moved in with him . I mean , Jesus , she may be dressing like she 's twenty these days , but she 's old enough to be his mom . " I wanted to tell her I wasn 't so sure about that assumption , but I shut up and let her talk . The relationship between Lazenby and Ryo obviously upset her , even though I didn 't think there was anything to it . From my viewpoint , she seemed more like a servant or helper than a lover . But knowing Ryo , who could tell ? " I went by there this morning , " she continued . " He hadn 't called me since I went over the other night . The night you and I argued . " She smiled . " Oh , he was gracious enough . Walked around shirtless most of the time . Yay for me . " She grinned and leaned close . " He has an awesome tattoo on his chest . " " Unfortunately nothing happened , " she said in a disappointed tone . " We watched some TV , talked about school and living in Chelsea Valley . I tried to snuggle up close , but then Miss Lazenby came in with some sodas for us and she kissed him . " " It wasn 't on the mouth or anything . But she kissed him on the neck and put her hand right on his chest . I could have killed her . The only thing that made me feel better was the irritated look he gave her . He said something to her like , ' I have a guest , ' and she backed out of the room as if he said he was going to rip her head off or something . It was weird , but I got the impression something was going on between them . Still , the night went pretty well afterward . I just wish he would have made some kind of move on me . I mean hell , I was wearing my slutty best . " She sighed as if remembering the night and all the things she had hoped that would happen but never did . " Anyway , I haven 't heard from him since then , so I went over before school . I didn 't make it past the door . She was there . I can 't compete with an older woman . Especially when she looks stunning in her low cut vampire dress . " Angela frowned . " Yeah , she was dressed like Morticia from The Adams Family , but revealing a lot more skin . Not what I wanted to see this morning . " For a moment I thought she was going to cry . " He 's a freaking dream , " she said . " I just wish he would notice me as someone other than a guest . " I felt bad for my friend . I knew she had it bad for him , but if Chi was right , Ryo was quite loveless , just like his tattoo said . I couldn 't tell her this though . I couldn 't dash her dreams like that . " Give it time , " I said . " He 'll come around eventually . " I grinned . Now this was sounding like Angela again . I reached over and patted her hand . " You 've got nothing to worry about . You are fun to be around , you have a loving heart and a rocking body , and you don 't give up , and … " She pulled her hand away , a fake shock look on her face . " I knew it ! The rumors are true . You are trying to hit on me ! " We both turned to the new voice . Someone had obviously approached the table while we were having our laugh . But neither of us were smiling now . Before us stood The Trumps , all three of them . Amanda grinned . " I couldn 't let the school year end without returning a favor , " she snarled , right before her fist connected with my face . There wasn 't time to avoid the blow , but her aim was off . Instead of getting me in the nose like Chi had done to her , her fist met my eye . The world spun and threatened to go dark for a second . I saw Angela try to get to her feet , but Amanda 's cronies shoved her back down in her chair . I shook my head , trying to throw the pain and dizziness off of me . Out of my good eye , I saw Amanda lean down until her face was level with mine . I noticed her nose was still a little off , as if it hadn 't quite healed right . " I hear you are a cutter , " she whispered , so no one else could hear . She grabbed my arm and with a sharp jerk stretched it out on the table . " So , let 's cut . " I tried to pull my arm away , but she kept it pinned to the table . With a devilish grin Amanda pulled something out of her back pocket . At first , I thought it was a knife , but I quickly realized it was something worse . It was a jagged piece of metal that had apparently been broken off of something much larger . As a result , it had a jagged edge and I could imagine the damage it would bring if it should slice through the skin of my arm . I feared not only the painful and bloody mess it would make , but also the possibility of infection , like tetanus or something . Chrissie Trump prevented me from doing so . While her cousin Kari had hold of Angela 's struggling form , she grabbed my free arm pulling it behind my back and holding it there . I grimaced from the pull of the muscle in my shoulder . Pain erupted in my arm and back , and it felt like it was shooting straight for my head and the already hurting of my punched eye . I wondered why no one was helping me . Maybe I 'd gotten used to being rescued , but I found it odd no one was coming to my aid . Haru had promised to protect me , to make sure nothing bad happened to me , and yet here I was fighting for my life with an insane for revenge Amanda Trump . And where was Chi ? Luhan ? They both had been looking out for me during school , so why was I now on my own ? As I was being held in place , and Amanda taunted me with the prospect of opening up my arm from wrist to shoulder , I managed to twist my head around . I noticed nearly everyone had scattered to the four winds . While a few onlookers remained , those who would grow up to be the kind to stop at fatal car crashes and gawk , everyone else had made themselves scarce . It reminded me of the old westerns dad used to watch . Bad guy walks into the saloon and everyone backs out of the way or hides behind something so as not to get struck by stray bullets . She leaned closer and I could almost hear Angela whisper in her head for me to go ahead and beg . But I was done with this . I was tired of living in fear of the Trump bitches . They had terrorized the school , and I was determined my days of running and hiding from them were coming to an end right now . I shook my head and mumbled something anguished under my breath . With an evil grin and a vain flip of her long blond hair , she leaned so far down her ear was nearly at my mouth . She laughed between gritted teeth . " What did you say ? I don 't think I heard that . " She screamed and let go of my arm , trying to pull away . Chrissie let me go too , backing up enough that I could scoot my chair away from the table . I reached up with my once imprisoned arm and grabbed the slut by her hair , pulling her towards me . I bit down harder . I felt the tearing of her skin . I tasted blood in my mouth . It was pretty nasty and I spit it out , back onto her mauled neck . I let her go and shoved her away from me . She had dropped the jagged metal on the table top . I picked it up and pounced on top of her in an animalistic rage . She was holding her bloody neck with one hand and started to shriek at the top of her lungs , " Help ! She 's killing me ! " I felt someone grab my arm and try to pull me off of her . It was Angela . " Don 't do it , Nora , " she begged , and managed to twist the metal shard out of my hand . Amanda was still screaming her head off when I fell over , my head hitting the cold school floor . I could hear footsteps running towards us . Looking up , I discovered someone had finally come to save me , but with my fading vision I couldn 't tell who . I couldn 't even find the voice to declare they were too late . Through my hazy view I could see Angela , dumbfounded and maybe a little angry , looking at me as someone knelt by my side . Their features were a blur , but the concerned , worried look told me Haru had come to save me at last . I closed my eyes , knowing I was safe now . He wrapped his protective arms around me and cradled my head to his chest . I could feel his heart beating against my ear , but it didn 't sound right . The beat was off slightly , sounding stronger than I remembered from our intimate times together . I managed to open up my good eye as he scooped me up and cradled my body to carry me away . He smiled . I could see his beautiful white teeth through the haze . His intense dark eyes . His long black hair with the purple streak through it . It wasn 't Haru . It was Ryo . Chelsea Valley Asylum is an hour away , but it is still linked to our town . It seems everything in my life is a reminder there is no escape from the valley . I told Haru as such , as we pulled into the parking lot . Looking at the old brick building before us , I found that hard to believe . The day had become overcast , and the heavy clouds had thrown deep shadows against the asylum walls . In this light , it didn 't look like a friendly place . The last time I 'd been here , it had been a bright , cheery day . Or at least as cheery as it can be when one of your parents is locked up in a crazy house . We got out of the car , and I noticed that Haru was sticking to the shadows . The day he walked me home from school , he had stood out there in the blazing sun with no problem , but today he seemed to be playing it safe . " Are you okay ? " I asked . I blushed . Part of me wondered if we were still talking about blood drinking , or something else . At the front door of the hospital we had to present our ID 's . I was kind of surprised when Haru handed his to the guard . I guess you don 't really expect vampires to carry identification . The guard , a tall , towering man , looked at Haru 's ID briefly , before turning mine over in his hand . He glanced at me , then back down at the card . For a moment , it looked like he was studying the information , cataloging it away for future use . It kind of creeped me out , but then Haru took my hand to show I was with him , and the guard smiled , handing the card back . He let us in the building , and I didn 't look back as we passed him , because I knew I would see him staring at me . The interior of the hospital was more pleasant than the exterior . At least inside it didn 't look run down or abandoned . It looked just like a typical hospital . White walls , polished floors , voices calling out for various doctors over a public address system . Orderlies and attendants moved about , up and down the hallways , in and out of rooms , all going about their various duties with precision and purpose . We approached the front desk and presented our ID 's again . An older nurse , who looked like she might have once been on her college wrestling team , looked at us with an odd smile . " Well , he said someone was coming to visit soon . I didn 't believe him . " She stood up from the desk . " So many get forgotten and left behind , " she sighed . " Follow me , he 's in the day room . " We followed the nurse down the hall . Her size and attitude ensured we made it to our destination without anyone bothering us . We walked by a few patients , most of whom were hanging out in the open doorways to their room . These must have been the harmless ones , residents whose psyche wasn 't so damaged they posed a threat . Not all doors were open however . Some were closed , and though I had the urge to peek in a window or two , Haru held me back . His hand holding mine kept me close , as if he were afraid if I looked in those areas I would succumb to their madness as well . The day room was spacious , a large open space where the less dangerous ones could spend away the hours watching television , playing checkers or cards , or just stare out the window at whatever memory had made them a prisoner . The nurse invited us to have a seat at a small table by one of these windows . Glancing outside , I saw the view was pleasant enough ; a wide , grassy field decorated with shrubs and flowers . It seemed a small group of patients were attending the flowers as if gardening were the only thing that existed in their small confined world . I looked at Haru , as he watched all the haunted people , both outside and in the day room . He glanced around the room as if sizing them up , and I had to wonder if he was thinking of his hunger and how not many of these patients would be missed by their families . If I wasn 't here , or if I turned my back for long , would the thirst overtake him , or was he more in command of it than I 'd seen in the movies ? As if he knew what I was thinking , he leaned over and whispered , " Stop worrying . I 'll be alright . " I told myself he was right and looked around the room . My eyes focused on a set of double doors close to us . There was a window in each door , but I couldn 't help notice they were covered by wire grates , preventing anyone from smashing their way out or in . I was pondering this fact when the doors opened and in walked a tall , beefy orderly with screaming red hair . I would have mistaken him for another patient , if not for the white hospital uniform and the fact he was escorting my dad into the room . I hadn 't seen my father in so long , he almost appeared a stranger . Still , his balding blond head and odd , crooked smile gave him away . It was a smile both bright and sad at the same time , like someone who has to smile on the outside , hiding the torture going on within . " Nora , " he spoke in a small voice . " What a surprise . I wasn 't expecting a visit from you today . " Dad shrugged . " I got in trouble , " he explained . " Wasn 't my fault . They tried to take some blood . Not on my watch . " " I don 't blame you . I 'd change the subject , too . Must be embarrassing at school and with boyfriends . " He glanced over at Haru . " Japanese , " Haru answered . He 'd probably heard the question so many times . I almost laughed because you only heard that asked of non - Caucasian ethnic groups . Nobody ever looked at me and said , ' Nora , Are you white ? ' It 's sad , really . " Don 't say that . They 'll let you come home soon . " I wasn 't sure that was true , but he looked like he could use some encouragement . After you 've been in a place like this , even for a short time , hope just seems to drain from you . " Yeah , I thought the same thing at your age . Hell , I thought the same thing at my age , but you see where that got me . Stay a kid , baby girl . It 's much safer that way . " That was the extent of his parental encouragement now . Once upon a time , he had nearly raised me alone . Mom being intoxicated and indifferent wasn 't anything new . Her drinking might have escalated after Dad 's incarceration , but for as long as I could remember , she loved indulging in her spirits . Maybe once , long ago , she had been a sober woman . But those days were over . And yes , she might be getting better and surprising me with thoughtful Mom moments , but I felt the alcoholic demons would always be lurking , waiting for their chance to take over again . I could tell I caught him off guard , because he looked away . I reached for Haru 's hand under the table . I knew I was going to need him if the answer was yes . " Nora , your mother and I . Well , things weren 't going so well before . And they have really gone sour since I 've been in here . " He cleared his throat . " It 's not fair for me to keep holding on to her when she still has so much life ahead of her . " " No , sugar . I don 't . They 'll be coming for me soon . In fact , they may already be here . " He leaned forward and looked at Haru . " Just how did you meet Nora ? , " he asked . Still , I froze . Whether madness or truth it didn 't matter . He was talking vampires , and I had brought one with me . Noticing my discomfort , Haru squeezed my hand in reassurance . " Dad … , " I started to say , but he held up his hand to silence my protest , just like he used to when I complained about school at the dinner table . " No , listen . I know everyone thinks I 'm crazy , maybe you do too , but I exposed them , don 't you see ? They came to Chelsea Valley to start a colony . " " They 're going to wipe us all out . You and your mother need to get out before it 's too late . You too , Haru . " He wrung his hands together in apparent agitation . " I exposed their plan when I attacked that vampire clerk . I overheard them talking in the market . They 're building an army . " " I don 't know his name . I only saw the clerk . The other one was a tall shadow on the other side of the freezers . When he was gone , I confronted the clerk . The courts and the doctors say he doesn 't exist . That I 'm crazy and snapped on that boy for no reason … " He stopped and looked at Haru with narrow eyes . " But you don 't think I 'm crazy , do you ? " Dad smiled . He appeared relieved , and almost placated . " Yes it is . I studied a little bit of it myself . By the way , did you know in Asia , even Japan , there are no vampire legends that are indigenous . It 's all borrowed from western culture . " Haru grinned a little . " Well , that 's not entirely true , sir . There is one deeply buried in our history . It 's not really equated with vampires by the west , but some think it 's where Japanese vampires derived from . The Kamikaze . " " The suicidal fighter pilots ? " Dad asked . This threw me off a bit , too . We had read about them in history class when we were studying World War Two last year . Japanese pilots who flew their own planes into the enemy , killing both themselves and their target . They had considered it an honor to die in defense of their homeland . Haru nodded . " They took their name from a little known Japanese legend . In folklore , the Kamikaze were swirling demons called forth to enact vengeance on invaders . But , what they really were . . " " Visitation is almost up . You only have a few minutes left . " The orderly had approached our table unseen . How long he 'd been standing there I don 't know , but it was clear he couldn 't wait to put Dad back in his room and see us on our way . My father let out a heavy sigh , looked at me , then at Haru . He waited for the orderly to walk away and give us our last minutes . " Haru , I don 't know you son , but you 're friends with Nora , so I trust you . Please get out of Chelsea Valley . They are going to take it over . They 'll start with the children first , because they believe . Please get my daughter out of there . " Dad reached out and grabbed Haru 's wrist . For a moment , they both froze . Then Dad jerked his hand back . " Damn son , you 're freezing . " Haru put his hand in his lap . " Yes , it 's a little cold in here , I think . " He looked at me . " We should get going . " My father was still looking at his hand , as if it were infected with frostbite . He looked at my friend with a suspicious cock of the head . " I 'm counting on you to protect , Nora , " he said . " Are you capable of that ? It means putting your life on the line with the most vile , despicable creatures . " I wasn 't stupid . I knew my dad . He was trying to find a way to touch Haru again , to see if the cold , clamminess of his skin was his imagination or not . He 'd been warm to me the other day , but now I was fearing that perhaps in his hunger , Haru was losing his warmth . I hadn 't noticed anything when he 'd held my hand minutes ago , so I reached for him and touched the hand in his lap . While moments ago it had been comforting and warm , now it was like picking up a chunk of ice . Startled , I looked to him for reassurance . Haru wasn 't looking at me , however . He was eyeing my father like he knew what he was up to . He reached across the table and shook his hand . " She has nothing to fear when she 's with me , sir . " Dad realized something was off . You could see it in his face . He knew Haru was different . It wasn 't just the growing clamminess of his skin ; it was something about the eyes , too . I noticed it a little too late , but the color was starting to change . The deep , darkness of his iris was turning a rich shade of crimson , as if his eyes were filling up with blood from within . I didn 't know what was happening , but I had to get Haru out of there . Haru gave me a look before returning his attention to dad . He let his hand go . " No , it means I won 't allow this . I 'll get Nora out of Chelsea Valley . " It was too late . Dad wasn 't buying it . He rubbed his hand . " You 're not leaving the valley . I know who you are now . I know what you are . If I had my crucifix … . " I slid my chair out and jumped up . " Haru , stop it ! Dad , stop it ! What 's gotten into you both ? Turn the testosterone down , damn it ! " Still looking at me , I saw my father 's eyes were welling with tears . " Nora , I hope you know what you 're doing . You can 't trust … . " He looked up at the orderly , and knew he couldn 't say what he wanted to in front of him . " boys . " " He 's not like that , Dad . Haru is one of the good guys . " When I said it , I found myself hoping I was right in that . " I 'm not here to silence you , sir , " he said . " There is bad in every group of people , but I 'm not one of those . I have Nora 's best interests at heart and I will protect her . The things you speak of will not come to pass , I promise . " " I love you too , baby girl . I miss you very much . And I do miss your mom . We just can 't be like we once were . We both are changed , please try to understand . " He turned his eyes from me and looked at Haru . " You really are , aren 't you ? I mean , I 'm not that crazy , right ? " Back at the car , Haru looked at me , a worried look on his face . He opened my door and let me climb in . " I 'm sorry , Nora . " He walked around to the drivers side and got in . Leaning across , he buckled me in , and like before , it was sexy as hell , the way his hands pulled the strap across my chest and snapped the buckle in place . His fingers brushed my lap and I felt butterflies invade my stomach again . " I 'll try my best to get us home , then . " He pulled down the visor to block the sun from his eyes . Lucky for him , the day was overcast , and the clouds prevented much of the sunshine from reaching us . He was getting weaker , and I didn 't know what that would mean for him if he was out in the daylight too long without feeding . " I just wanted to be with you as long as I could last night . Watching you sleep is . . beautiful . " He smiled . " All this is my own fault , and I 'm afraid it made me a little testy with your Dad , too . I 'm sorry . When he started about the crucifix , I got a little snippy . I guess I knew he was figuring me out and it made me a little confrontational . I don 't always get along with adults . " Part of me wanted to laugh at that . I mean , come on , he 's nearly a thousand years old , and yet still thinking like a teenager . I touched his leg . " It 's okay , Haru . There was no harm done . I just didn 't want you guys to argue too much . It was drawing attention . " " Yeah , I know . Again , I 'm sorry . " He started the car and we pulled off , leaving the sanitarium behind . I looked back , as if I would see my father looking out the window and waving goodbye . All I saw was a dark , lonely building . " When vampires hit the headlines , it hardly goes unnoticed . My uncles spotted a news article about your dad and his case . It mentioned the fact he attacked the clerk because he was a vampire . Of course , the news article made him seem crazy , but well , we were traveling , looking for someone we 'd lost , and thought we might want to check it out . See if it was true . " I turned my head and looked out the window . " So , you bringing me today wasn 't about you being sweet and nice to me , was it ? You weren 't being a good boyfriend . You offered to drive because I could take you to my dad . " I heard his soft sigh . " I wanted to help you . But yes , I wanted to see your dad for myself . To see if he was a danger to us . " " Then tell me what it 's like . All this time you have been nice to me . All the sweet things you say , us getting close , me falling for you … it 's all been make believe for you . You have been using me . " We stopped at a red light and he turned to look at me . " There is no make believe . I haven 't been using you or tricking you . Everything I feel for you is real , Nora . " I didn 't know if I could believe that or not . I was beginning to feel like a pawn on a chessboard . Vampires just don 't show up in your hometown for no reason . All the things I thought were just coincidence or random , blind luck or faith , now appeared to have been planned . Had Haru 's uncles compelled him to become friends with me in order to find my dad and talk to him ? Was Ryo the backup in case I didn 't go for Haru ? And what about Chi and Luhan ? Were they further assurance the vampires got what they wanted ? He pulled the car off to the side of the road and threw the gear in park . He turned to me . His eyes were red and tired . His face pale and sweating . " It is you , Nora . We aren 't concerned with your dad . After we got here , we figured out no one believed him . There was no danger to us . But there wasn 't any sense in moving in one day and moving out the next . " " So what , you decided to put the make on a local girl to kill some time , then ? A girl nobody else liked or gave a damn about ? Am I that easy to you ? " There was no stopping the tears now . I felt them running down my cheek . He reached up and let them run onto his finger . " No , you 're not that easy , nor am I just killing time . From the moment I saw you watching me from your window , I wanted to know you . Even from the distance of our two yards I saw the most beautiful girl I 'd ever seen , and yet her eyes were more haunted than my own . I wanted to know you . I wanted to know everything about you . Me getting close to you has nothing to do with your dad , vampires , or anything . I just thought maybe , this was it , I 'd found the someone to … to be with after all these years . " He took me into his arms and held me . My tears fell onto his shoulder . He cut the car off , and even though the sun was coming out brighter , I felt like he was enduring the discomfort for me . I could feel the heat coming through the window , and I knew he must feel it worse . " I 'm sorry , Haru . I didn 't mean … I just need to know if this is real or not . All my life I have been picked on , bullied , made fun of , and I don 't want to be taken for a fool anymore . " I could feel his smile as his face pressed against my cheek . " The only fool is me , " he said . Before I could wonder what he meant , he tensed , and I caught a scent of something burning . I pulled away from him and saw that the skin on one of his hands seemed to be wilting . It wasn 't like in the movies where the vampire 's skin smolders and catches fire ; it was more like a flower wilting before your eyes . " Oh , my god , " I whispered . I had this horrible vision of centuries of aging catching up to him all at once . " Haru , we have to get you out of the sun . Why didn 't you tell me it was this bad ? Do you have a blanket or anything ? " I grabbed the keys from the ignition and jumped out of the car . I ran around to the trunk and popped it open . There wasn 't much in there . A spare tire iron , bottles of oil , brake fluid , transmission fluid . And the blankets . I snatched them up and ran around to the drivers aside . " Move over , " I commanded . With his help , I managed to maneuver him over the gear shift and into the passenger side seat . I got in behind the wheel and laid the blankets over Haru . He was starting to slump down in the seat . He lay his head over in my lap as I restarted the car and put it into gear . Haru 's body was wracked by shivering as we sped down the road . I held my own with the driving . I knew I was going over the speed limit . But I was focused . Intent on getting us home safely , I prayed the whole way . I believe in God , and though I wasn 't sure where vampires stood in the spiritual scheme of things , I was hoping that heaven would allow me to save Haru . " Hold on , baby , " I heard myself say , and took a curve much faster than I should . The back tires slid a little and squealed , but I righted the car and drove on . We passed a sign for Chelsea Valley and I smiled a little . We were going to make it . " Almost there , " I said to reassure him and myself both . The ' almost there ' was a little further than I thought , and I put my hand on Haru 's head , stroking his hair with my fingers in gentle motions . The road twisted and turned , winding and curving its way to home , and we drove the rest of the way in silence . The only sound was my steady heartbeat and Haru 's ragged breathing . By the time we reached the town limits , I was almost to the point where I would offer myself to him and risk death rather than lose him . But the burning smell had dissipated and it seemed the blankets were helping to protect him . He was still shivering and cold , though . He would shudder , and his head in my lap would shake from side to side as if cold chills were wracking his very brain . I did my best to soothe him , but I was at a loss at what to do once we got home . Did I drag him inside his house ? Get Ryo from across the street to help ? Or do I take him to my bedroom and try to nurse him back with my own blood ? I knew , no matter his condition , he wouldn 't allow the latter to happen . So it was either his house , hoping someone was there to save him , or Ryo . I chose Ryo .

Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . I wrote this a few years ago and had it posted here for awhile . After the positive feedback from my most recent attempt , I 'm posting this again . After looking at it again I think it seems a little preachy for my taste . Many MansionsA short story by Jake Conrad The most interesting part of the Final Judgment , in Larry Zabriske 's opinion , was the absence of a line , a waiting room , or the necessity to take a number . After working for the Department of Motor Vehicles for 36 years and 4 months watching countless automatons with glazed eyes shuffling up and down cordoned aisles , Larry was expecting a line . Larry figured the line would be somehow more efficient than terrestrial lines , more perfect in some way , but he definitely expected it to be long . When Larry went through the light at the end of the tunnel and found himself in a tastefully white - carpeted room resembling a small amphitheater , instead of a long perfect line leading to an enormous , pearl - encrusted fence , he began feeling uneasy . When he saw that the room was about half - filled with people , posed as if they were expecting him , the unease became anxiety . Say what you will about DMV lines , Larry thought , but at least they give you time to prepare . Larry was both tickled and offended that the room he had just entered reminded him of a game show set . Janice , Larry 's wife of 38 years , had been a big " 25 , 000 Pyramid " fan in the 80 's , and an even bigger fan of that " Millionaire " show hosted by Regis Philbin . Larry never liked that show much . He told Janice it was because he thought Reggie , " Regis " she would remind him , was a bit too smug for someone who had the answers written on the back of a card . In reality it had more to do with Janice 's interest in " snuggling " as she called it , which seemed to coincidentally fall on the nights the Gameshow Network played 2 hour " Millionaire " double features . Two chairs sat in the center of a rising circle of stepped seating and large video displays hung down from the ceiling at Larry 's north , south , east and west . Another wave of recognition mix with a bit of abhorrence at the blasphemy of it all hit Larry . This was certainly not the way Miss Donavan taught him the afterlife would be like . Where were the angels with their feathery wings and floating Posted by So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time .

FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag " History repeats itself as George Bush runs for re - election in Texas . Guess which state he carpetbagged from . Uncle George approves ( mystatesman . com ) » ( 14 comments )

Margaret Burnett Naini TalMargaret Burnett The doorway to the guest house stayed dark and empty . A crow hopped awkwardly along the sloping roof , its feet scratching on the red corrugated iron . It gave a slow , drawn out caw like the creaking wheel of a bullock cart , which made me laugh . Then someone came and my heart jumped , but it was a bearer in his white uniform , tossing a grubby cloth over his shoulder . He stretched as he stepped into the early morning sun . ' Salaam ji , ' I said , going up to him . Being on holiday made me brave , made me different . He wasn 't even a bearer I knew , he must serve the tables at the far end of the dining room . He was young , with pock - marked plump cheeks and a thin moustache , and he smiled at me cheerfully . ' Oh , work , ' he said , still smiling , but with an air of conspiracy as if drawing me into his world . I was thrilled . People either treated me as if I was still a little girl , or solemnly , as if I was the same as Mum or Dad . Mum sometimes told people that I was twelve . I was so much taller than Indian girls my age , she said she felt embarrassed . But I was proud of being tall , like Dad . My best friend in school , Neela , was the shortest in the class and I was the tallest . We walked around holding hands and people laughed , but in a good way , they liked the picture we made . I was ten , really . I always felt naked and foolish when Mum said I was twelve , as if the person would be able to tell how old I was by looking at my face . My square face , according to Mum . I didn 't know if that was a good thing or not because when she said that to me , her eyes seemed unsure . I had brown eyes , like hers , and a small mouth and thick brown hair that people commented on , but I didn 't like the way people always noticed it . I parted it on the side , like Dad 's . Men parted theirs on the left . ' Why ? ' I asked Dad . ' I don 't know , ' he said . ' Maybe because when we look in the mirror what we see as the right is actually the left . ' I parted mine on the left too but maybe that was because I was left - handed . The bearer wandered off down the narrow gap by the side of the boarding house , taking a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket as he disappeared into the black shade of the mountainside . I turned around and went back to the chicken - wire fence and fiddled with broken wires . The air , fresh like water , smelled of wood smoke . Out there , hidden by the mountains , was the lake where Dad and I were supposed to be going riding . What was he doing ? We 'd had breakfast , there was nothing else left to do . I looked behind me at the guest house . Above it , the mountainside made a green line against the blue sky . I 'd go and get him . I would , I 'd go . I didn 't care if he got angry . I went inside . The dark dining room was in the centre of the building . All the rooms led off it , even the upstairs ones ; it had a balcony all the way around it and when people came out of their rooms upstairs , they often looked down at you and for a second you had a sense of the secrets behind the doors . The tables and chairs were empty and yet whenever I walked through the dining room it never felt empty , as if we left a part of ourselves behind in the chairs waiting for the next meal . Opening the door to our room , I was dazzled by the sudden brightness of it . The beds were unmade , and there was an after - breakfast feel of things not ready yet . Dad sat on the chair by the front window , the sun streaming in from behind him . His stern face was tense as he looked at Mum , his upper lip lifted in irritation over his slightly bucked teeth . His white , clean , long - fingered hands were poised on his thighs . Mum was standing by the row of unmade beds , Harriet 's T - shirt in her hand . Her chin was lifted towards him and her face was flushed . ' Don 't speak to me like that , ' she said . But there was weakness in the way she lifted her chin . I held on to the round handle of the door , willing her not to say anything else . ' Hmm ? ' Dad said . It was what he did when he didn 't like what she 'd just said , making her repeat it . His eyebrows were dark and heavy like a storm . Mum was wearing a little turquoise top and a flowered skirt that flowed lightly around her . She 'd done her make - up and put her rose in her dark brown hair and her ear below it was the same pink lightness of the cloth rose as it caught the sunlight . When President Kennedy had died last year , she showed me photos of it in a magazine . As we had stood on the green carpet in our whitewashed sitting room in Nagpur and looked at a picture of Mrs Kennedy , Mum said , ' Do you think I look like her ? ' And then the air became tight and uncomfortable , as if she 'd given too much away . She 'd closed the magazine quickly , before I could reply . Mum carried on dressing Harriet . ' I can do that , ' Harriet said , as she put her sandals on her skinny feet . But Mum ignored her , strapping them on tightly . ' Ow , ' Harriet said , but she always complained about everything . She picked up Harriet 's nightie from the floor and laid it under her pillow . She folded mine in a quick , sharp way that made me wonder what I 'd done wrong . She stood for a moment with it in her arms , unaware of it , frowning at the pillow . I wanted her to be aware , to move , to become lively again , full of her unexpectedness . It was frightening when she was like this , her face closed - down , shutting us out . Then , putting my nightie under my pillow , she sat on the edge of her bed . In my bare feet , I crossed the cool stone floor obediently and sat next to Harriet on the double bed . Dad didn 't like sharing a bed and so , to my disgust , I had to sleep with Harriet . Mum leaned her arms on her knees and held her elbows and bent towards us , making the space with us in it like a tent . I felt less worried , but even so , I turned to look at Dad . He was lifting his foot , putting his sandal on . He had thin feet like Harriet 's , long and white like his hands , as if they 'd never get dirty . ' Dad has been thinking for a long time about changing his job and has decided that that 's what he wants to do . He 's not going to be a doctor any more . He 's going to teach theology in a college . But that means that we 're going to have to move , leave Nagpur and go to another part of India , West Bengal , to a place called Vishnapur . ' Leave ? I knew that things like that happened - after all , we 'd left Pakistan to go to Nagpur , but that was so long ago that I 'd forgotten about it . And I had been too young to care . A coolie walked past our side window , talking to someone in a hoarse voice . It was a shock to hear him . I had completely forgotten about where we were , that we were in Naini Tal . We didn 't seem to be anywhere . ' Not for a little while yet . Dad has to study to brush up on his theology , he 'll need a year to do that , so we 're going to Scotland for that time . After that , we 'll go to Vishnapur . ' Brush up - that was what Dad said , not Mum . And Vishnapur - it sounded threatening , like a stranger that had come into our lives , full of meaning , demanding attention , taking me away from everything as if it suddenly had the right to do that . I turned behind me to look at Dad again . He was watching Mum , his face self - conscious and stiff . ' Do we have to ? ' I wanted to cry , but I was too old for that . ' Theology ? ' I asked instead . ' Yes , ' he said . His hands were between his legs and he rubbed his palms together , the way he did when he was interested in something , his face relaxing . ' About God . Teaching people to be ministers . Like I was taught , in fact . ' ' But , Fiona , ' Mum said , turning her body towards me , still with her elbows on her knees , bent low , still trying to reach me . She looked down at the stone floor and then at her bare feet , watching her wriggling stubby toes with their painted toe nails . Her feet got dirty all the time . She told me that I would be going to boarding school in the mountains . It was a place like Naini Tal . It was an American school . Their schooling was like the British . There was a British boarding school in Darjeeling they had thought of sending me to , but it only took you till you were sixteen . The American one went up till you were eighteen . That was good because then we could stay longer in India because after I 'd finished school , we 'd all have to go back to Britain . Mum hesitated , as if she 'd been ready for another question . ' Well , because you 'll be starting your life in Britain . And we won 't leave you on your own when you do that . ' The sheets were rumpled on our beds , a mess of white . Krishna Lal knocked on the door and opened it to come and clean our room but Dad asked him to wait . Every morning when Mum and Dad were ready to get washed and dressed , I made my way in my nightie through the boarding house and then through the jumble of rooms behind the kitchen to tell him to bring the hot water . He was always squatting in front of a dekchi of bubbling water . But his familiar face with its big black moustache didn 't belong to us any more , as if he were looking in from another world , as if we were in water and he was in air . ' You 'll go to a local school until you 're old enough to go to Fiona 's school , ' Mum said . She was only five . It would be a long time . I was touched by the concern on her sallowlittle face as she looked up at me , her eyes blinking under her long fringe . But then I was scornful of it . Of course I 'd go by myself . That was what you did when you got older . I understood that at once . Mum didn 't answer , bending even lower , looking down where our feet made a circle on the stone floor . Harriet 's hung limply , while my toes brushed the cold stone , feeling the chips and hollows of it . My big toe found a straight line between the flagstones and followed the reassurance of it until my foot bumped into Mum 's . She lifted her head and smiled at me but something about the touch of her skin made me recoil almost in disgust . ' They 're awfully nice people , Fiona , ' Mum said . ' When we get back to Nagpur , we 'll show you the photos of the place . The letter they sent asking all about you was so nice - and telling us all about them . ' ' No , we won 't . Mum and Harriet and I will come up to where your school is for our holidays . It 's a beautiful place . ' ' So is here , ' I said fiercely , with a frightening spurt of anger . He didn 't seem to notice , taking his keys and his handkerchief and his money from the dressing table and distributing them in his pockets . He glanced in the mirror and impatiently pushed back the one strand of dark hair that had a wave and that fell forward onto his high forehead . ' We 'll talk again , ' Mum said to Harriet and me . She took my chin in her hand and pushed the skin down so that my lower lip came out . She pushed her own lip out like she did in front of the mirror , lifting her chin and looking at her face sideways when she wanted to look glamorous . ' You don 't need to worry , really you don 't . There 's more than a year before you have to go . You 'll be that much older , more ready . ' ' I know , ' she said , following me as Dad and I went to the door . As Dad opened it , she said , ' Keep away from the back of the horses now , Fiona . When you go around them , always go by the front . ' ' A horse bite , ' Dad said . He laughed and laughed , his thin shoulders shaking . Sometimes he teased Mum in Nagpur too , but he did it much more on holiday . Mum laughed , but it was a little forced . I was sorry for him in case he could see that . ' Anybody . Like Miss Elliot . ' She sat at our table . If she knew , it would make me important , interesting , this big thing happening to me . We walked silently down the steep path to the bazaar and the lake where the horses were . Dad walked straight - backed , one hand in his pocket , the other swinging by his side , ready to salaam the people we passed . He solemnly touched his forehead to an old man with grey , bristled cheeks and torn clothes , who salaamed him back . Ferns grew out of the stone pushtas that rose high above us . We passed other houses and guest houses set back off the path . The lake came into sight , dark blue , almost black , with the mountains all around it . It was painful to think of myself as a visitor , coming from outside . That was what adults did . ' We 've never visited Pakistan , ' I said . ' That 's true . ' He was silent for a few steps and I thought he wasn 't going to say any more . ' But Pakistan is another country . That makes it more difficult . ' He gave a laugh . ' Yes , I suppose so . Although , things change , people change , move on , that kind of thing . ' We walked on a bit more , stones rolling under our feet . ' And so you never know what you 'll find when you go back , ' he said . ' What about Thomas and Mary ? ' I asked , suddenly struck by fear . ' What 'll happen to them ? ' Thomas was our cook and Mary , his wife , was our ayah . They were a part of us , I knew everything about them , they were Catholics from South India , with dark skin and different food . They drank coffee , not tea , which Mary sometimes gave me as a treat , a taste of her home , and which I pretended to like . What would happen to them ? And what about Flomeena , their daughter ? What would happen to her ? I had a vision of their one - roomed house at the top of the compound , tucked in against the high brick wall of the Bohra ward , and the road that I took up to it every day as I went to play with Flomeena . When I woke early in the mornings on our verandah , or in the garden where we slept in the summer , the sky a pale , dull , hot grey , I 'd hear Thomas walk down past our tall garden fence and smell his cigarette . It was the smell of the day beginning . That short road was so much a part of me that it seemed a permanent connection to our house , as if the two were naturally joined . Going up to see Flomeena was like breathing . ' But will they ? ' I asked . ' What work is there ? Will it be in the compound ? Will you make sure they do before we leave ? ' What would happen to Flomeena ? She was more than my friend , there wasn 't a word for what she was . We were cutting them off , sending them away helpless and unprotected . But Dad didn 't seem to see that . I couldn 't say to him , You can 't do that to them . I couldn 't tell Dad what to do , I couldn 't expect him to change his plans for them . But it wasn 't right , we couldn 't leave them . We couldn 't just abandon them . What would they do ? Who would look after them ? Where would they work ? Was there work for them ? Would they have to leave the compound ? There were so many things I didn 't know , it went on and on , like a jersey unravelling when you pulled the wool . I nearly began crying . But the men at the horses realised that we were making for them and they surrounded us in a shouting crowd , leading their horses by the reins . I hated this part , jostled and pushed by the horses , separated from Dad while he bargained with the men . Then , two of them pulled their horses away from the rest and I mounted the small one while Dad got onto the big one . We set off around the lake , while the men walked at the horses ' heads . He 'd taught me to ride two years ago , going around this lake . But I couldn 't think of the riding , I couldn 't enjoy it today . All I wanted to do was think about Flomeena . But she kept shifting , I couldn 't make her stay in one place , I couldn 't even see her face any more , only her back and her long plait swinging as she ran . Was she running ? Or was she squatting down by the cooking fire in the tiny , smoke - blackened kitchen , her plait trailing on the ground as she bent to blow on the sticks ? Families were walking along and the children stared at me . A horse came in the opposite direction with a woman in a sari sitting on it , hanging on to the saddle , looking unhappy . A man walked behind the horse carrying a little boy who was shrieking for his mother . Young men wearing black sunglasses , their hair puffed in the front like Cliff Richard 's , leaned on the thick iron railings watching us go by . ' Good morning , ' they called after Dad , cheekily , laughing , and I felt indignant for his sake , but he paid them no attention . He turned round to see where I was and made his horse slow down and I saw by the self - conscious , uncomfortable look on his face , that he was aware of the young men . He kicked his horse with his heels and trotted off , and then kicked again , making the horse canter . When you were with somebody and then they went , you were really on your own . The path around the lake was dark on the far side , covered by trees . Dad disappeared into it . It wasn 't that I hadn 't been round here on my own before . Sometimes Mum took me , waiting for me with Harriet while I went round . I gripped with my knees so hard my legs hurt . I didn 't know how hard I had to do it to make sure I didn 't fall off . Yes , you could . I knew I 'd see him again , he 'd stop and wait for me . Or I 'd see him back at the horses , paying his man , while mine , panting and sweating , went up to him for his rupee notes to be carefully counted out and handed to him . I wanted to catch Dad up . I kicked my horse and made him trot . The man had been at the horse 's head but now he had to run alongside me . But Dad was nowhere to be seen on the stony road . Little brown waves slapped against the side of the lake . Now I was in the dark underhanging road too . It wasn 't so dark once you were in it . Dad would be surprised if I caught him up . I imagined his face . My word ! he 'd say , impressed . I 'd never gone faster than a trot before , but I was older now , I should be able to do things . I kicked the horse with my heels . Next thing , I found myself hanging on to the side of the horse , clutching the slippery leather of the saddle with both hands , one foot still in the stirrup , the other stuck up pointing at the trees over the saddle . The horse was galloping , shaking me about . If I let go , my head would bounce off the ground . My skull felt as thin as an egg shell . If I let go , I would die . Even as I hung on , I felt a fool . From the corner of my eye , I saw the man running after me , his mouth open . his thin trousers flapping . I saw shapes of people as they strolled along , staring after me . I hung on , even as I felt my hands slipping on the saddle . I hung on and hung on , my fingers almost giving up . The horse began to slow down . I hung on , even when I felt I couldn 't any more . The man caught up with the horse and grabbed the reins and stopped it . He helped me down . My legs felt unsteady . I 'd lost one of my sandals . A boy in grey shorts ran up to me . I got back on the horse quickly , just to show everyone that what had happened was nothing at all and they were to forget all about it . The man held the horse 's head firmly and we walked the rest of the way . I was relieved , really , even though he was treating me as if I was young . I fell behind , watching the path , the different shapes of the stones , the uneven steps , the flat grey stones that had been laid in a slanting line across the path , the stone gutters on either side that were dry and dusty and filled with pebbles and dried leaves . The sun was hot on my neck . I thought of Mum when we went out on picnics , how she walked slowly up the hill , her head down , panting , sweat trickling down her neck , her hair sticking to it . It was painful thinking of her like this , as if she wasn 't strong any more . I felt a bit panicky . We carried on walking . I became absorbed in the stones again , and in thinking about Mum , not able to imagine leaving her . But it was a year away and I 'd be that much older . When you were older , you didn 't need your mum . When you grew up , you left her and made your own life . That 's what Mum had done , she 'd got married to Dad . She 'd lived with her mum and then got married to Dad and then they 'd sailed to Pakistan . And they 'd had a baby in Pakistan and that had been me . It was comforting to think of Pakistan . I lifted my head . Dad was further on , his long , thin body sloping towards the hill . There was something sad about watching his back , as if he was alone and he didn 't know it . I watched his blue shirt and the sharp angle of his elbow , and his head , and the way he walked , not knowing that his back looked like this . His free hand hung by his side , empty like an invitation , and it struck me that I hadn 't held it for a long time . I skipped up to him to make myself seem younger . When I slipped my hand into his , he let his hang , not responding , and I knew I was too old for this now . It was embarrassing . I held on , pretending I hadn 't noticed , then after a moment let it go as if I had become interested in something else . … ' he said , nodding . His eyes met mine by accident and he went , ' Hmph , ' and his mouth moved into a stiff shape which was meant to be a smile . His eyes shifted away and he went inside , disappearing through the dark doorway . When he 'd gone , everything felt loose and empty and I didn 't know what to do . I went to the edge of the mountainside where I 'd stood waiting for him after breakfast . The sky had changed , there were thin clouds spread across it like saris drying . Crows circled slowly , their wings ragged against the sky . The fence shook under my hands and it was Miss Elliot leaning on it a little distance from me , her bony shoulders sticking up almost to her ears underneath her brown dress . She reminded me of Dad , she was thin like him , and serious , and not able to chat around the dining - room table when it was meal times , holding herself as if she wasn 't really part of the company . Dad did that too , his stern face stiff and self - conscious , but Mum talked easily . Dad teased Mum afterwards , saying she had verbal diahorrea and she laughed , but her face was always flushed as if she was embarrassed . I laughed along with Dad , safe on his side . ' Have you ever been to boarding school ? ' I asked her . I 'd never spoken to an adult on my own before It was like going into another world where you were all by yourself . She kept her head half turned , as if thinking about this . She had a sharp chin and the sun came out for a moment and caught the fair hairs that stuck out on it . I looked away , embarrassed for her . A vegetable wallah walked down the path below us , all we could see of him was the flat basket of vegetables he carried on his head . We watched him go . So long as we were looking , we didn 't have to talk . Then she pushed herself away from the fence , making it bounce under my hands again . I still felt strange . I followed the fence past people sitting in the sun to the side of the guest house and found Harriet . She was squatting under a tree , collecting little stones , completely absorbed in them . She seemed to be looking for shiny ones . I squatted beside her and she looked up at me in a friendly way and then continued with what she was doing . I found some tiny , pale stones outside the shade of the tree that glittered in the sun and put them on her pile . We hardly ever did things like this , she was so different from me , she was too young to be anything in my life but a nuisance . It struck me for the first time that here was someone who had the same life as me , the same things happened to her as to me , we understood things the same way . It made me almost tender towards her as she squatted on her skinny legs , her chin resting on her dirty knees , searching for these stones . All the tenderness disappeared and I was filled with rage . I was embarrassed by the foolishness of my feelings towards this useless person . ' Leaving Nagpur , of course . ' I pushed her , I was so angry , and she fell backwards , banging her head on the ground . She began to cry . She cried at the least little thing , making a fuss over nothing . Her stupid helplessness enraged me , I wanted to stamp on her like a beetle helpless on its back . I kicked her instead and she cried even harder . I left her in disgust , but also fear that I 'd get into trouble . And I really didn 't like making her cry . It was only after I 'd done it that I remembered . I forgot things too . I went inside . I went to the little library where I read books when it rained . No one else was in it . There were magazines on the table called The Illustrated London News , full of black and white pictures of men and buildings and long streets . This was the place , the country where I came from . It made me proud , being so grand . I looked for a long time at the photographs but they stayed flat and silent . Then someone came in and it was fat Mr Johnson . He went to the shelves and tilted his head to the side as he inspected them . He had three small children who sat quietly eating their meals at the other end of the dining room . They were strange creatures , English , unfamiliar , and I watched them furtively from our table with a horrible fascination , as if they could show me something about myself . ' Oh you 'll be moving around a lot in your life , I should think . ' He took out a book and stuck his big nose in it . ' You 'll be all right , ' he said , shutting the book with a snap . It was as if I was drowning and he was swimming about calmly , watching me . He took the book with him to the door , smiling vaguely at the furniture because he didn 't know how to leave . All he had to do was say good - bye . When he 'd closed the door , I put the magazine back on the table . I went outside again , looking for Mum . I hadn 't wanted to find her , I realised , because we hadn 't spoken since she 'd told us about what was happening , and I felt shy about seeing her in this new state of ours . How would she be ? I followed a coolie round the other side of the house , the sun filling the gap between the house and the mountainside , and there was Mum sitting on the step of the sitting - room door . My heart lifted in gladness and then , for some reason , I had to hide this , and I ducked my head down and sat beside her , pretending to be cross . Mum carried on talking to a woman in a faded green sari , was one of the sweepers . She looked up at her , her eyes squinting in the sun . I got very cross , I didn 't know why , I didn 't have to pretend . They were talking about the woman 's children , her daughter was getting married . After the woman had gone , Mum said , ' Why don 't you smile ? I was introducing you . She 'll think you 're very rude . She 'll think I 've got a very rude daughter . ' A milkman passed us , his aluminium can of milk strapped to his back . He smelled of hay and cows , the same rich , lovely smell that horses had . He salaamed us cheerfully . ' People are friendly here , ' Mum said , watching him walk away . ' They 're different from down in the plains . ' She leaned back on her arms , her white legs stretched out in the sun . Behind us , the bearers clattered cutlery and plates as they laid the tables in the dining room . There was the smell of tomato soup coming from the kitchen . But I didn 't believe her . I didn 't want to believe her . I wanted her to be saying things against the people in Nagpur so that I could show her how wrong she was , how nasty and unreasonable she was being . I hated the way her back arched as she leaned on her arms , trying to look relaxed and on holiday , as if it wasn 't really her but something she thought she should be doing . I hated the way she was different here from down on the plains . On the plains , she cycled , she took rickshaws , she walked quickly , always moving , her chin up , her back straight , ready for anything . But I couldn 't . I didn 't know what she could do . I stabbed the ground again , digging a hole in the dry , yellow earth . My hands were dusty and yellow . I poked the hard ground with my finger , trying to pull out a stone from the hole . ' I know . I know that . ' Her voice was sympathetic , it stirred my heart with longing . When she told me about her dad and the things she had done as a wee girl , showing me her life , this was how her voice was , drawing me into safety . ' Bread , Memsahib ? ' the man asked . ' Cake ? ' He had fat , unshaven cheeks and looked as though he wouldn 't be kind to the boy . The boy stopped and peered at us , not able to move his head because of the strap across his forehead that was tied to the black trunk . ' When we first arrived at Karachi on the boat , ' Mum said , running her hands down her legs to her ankles , ' we were met by Dr and Mrs Baird . You won 't remember them . They 'd come to meet us and take us back to Jalalpur . But they 'd also come to put their five - year - old son on the ship . They wouldn 't see him for five years . That 's what people did then , they sent their children back to Britain to go to school . ' She frowned at her legs . ' At least I don 't have to do that . ' What would she have had to worry about ? She wouldn 't have been the one getting on the ship . But I didn 't risk saying that . ' Once you 're there , everything will be fine , ' she said . ' You 'll see . You 'll be with girls your own age - ' She got up and walked into the guest house , her back stiff , her shoulders straight and offended , her chin at an angle . Her bottom lip would be out , I knew , sharper than words . I followed her , too afraid to leave her alone . I could push her and push her , and then when I went too far and she withdrew from me , I was always afraid , as if I wouldn 't get her back again . Anger was like a huge wall that cut you off from people . She went past the bearers laying the tables , who looked at us with interest , and went into our room , where the beds were still unmade . She began to make Dad 's bed , throwing back the top sheet and blankets and straightening the bottom sheet , sweeping her hand across it and tucking it in vigorously . I went across from her and tried to help her , but she was too quick , the top sheet snatched out of my grip as she flung it across the bed , and I stood uselessly while she did the same to the blankets . The bed was transformed into neatness . I picked up a corner of her top sheet and got a whiff of her morning smell . It was of her body under her nightie , and once you got used to it , it was fine . It was how she was when she got up , her face rumpled like her nightie , smiling at us . But it was always strange that Mum could smell like this and be unaware of it . ' Your hands are filthy ! ' Mum said , looking at a mark I 'd left on the sheet . She reached across to take my hand and turned it over to look at my palm . It was yellow and dusty from the earth and the criss - crossing lines were outlined in black where my hands had got sweaty clutching the saddle . ' Oh please , ' she said , laughing . It was a game we sometimes played . She still held my hand , gripping my fingers as I tried to pull it away . ' Not so wee any more , ' she said , her eyes watery . The tips of my fingers were almost purple with her holding so tightly as I tugged at them . They looked as though they 'd burst . She released my hand . I didn 't know what to do with it . It hung awkwardly . She smiled at me , her red , watery eyes holding on to me and yet letting me go at the same time . 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We ended up going to Richardson 's beach . When we got there it was an extremely clear night . You could see everything because of how bright the moon and stars were that night . The tide was abnormally low . " Hey , let 's go over there , " I pointed to my friend . As if it was on cue , the wind picked up and we heard a single , but loud , baby 's cry . It was so loud , my friend and I were convinced that the baby it had come from needed to have been on the beach with us . We combed that beach completely , looking for the baby . We didn 't find anything . After searching for quite some time , we decided to leave . There was just something eerie about the baby 's cry and the wind . We didn 't feel comfortable staying there any longer than we had to . This happened back in the mid - eighties , around 1985 . My friend 's house was built on a grave of a Japanese man . At first it was just odd noises . Then lights would come on , and then the showers . These disturbances would happen whenever everyone was together in another room . We would always make sure everything was off when we left the house , but sometimes we would get a call saying that we left the water running and the lights on . The disturbances graduated to doors slamming real loud , and what sounded like really heavy footsteps . Almost like someone was stomping on purpose . My friend 's parents finally decided to call some kind of holy man . I wasn 't there at that time since they only wanted the family to be present , but the holy man walked through the house with some kind of pendant . It started going in circles until it was straight out . Then he started talking in a very different voice that was not his own . My friend said that it was the voice of the old Japanese man that was buried on the property . I had never put much faith in ghosts , haunts , poltergeists or other floaty white transparent beings . I believed in God and while he did have spiritual phenomena , many of the scary tales bobbing around were just that ; scary tales to keep children in line , or to impress , or to make your loved one 's skin crawl and want to jump into your arms . They were good to listen to and occasionally gave me nightmares , but I never started looking over my shoulder for them or keeping my ears pricked for strange bumps in the night . If there were any , those were usually my neighbors having sex or the people above me stomping on the floor , somehow believing that this would oil the afore mentioned neighbors bedsprings or pad their headboard . I wish we had headboards to bang in our dorm rooms in college ; that way we would have been able to tell without knocking that we shouldn 't interrupt . I wish that night that I had someone to sleep with and to reassure me that what happened was a dream , that I had my eyes closed the whole time and I was muttering crazy things . But as it was , I was alone and exposed . How do I know it wasn 't a dream ? Because you don 't dream about trying to go back to sleep . And I swear as I felt the pressure settle on my chest , I saw the blankets and covers flatten . It was as if someone had just settled down and sat on my chest , but slowly increased how much weight they were putting on me . My mind whirled . I had heard of these . Most describe this kind of experience as a brush with the sitting ghost , an old woman with scraggly gray hair that slowly tries to crush the breath out of you but never succeeds . I also heard of these beings as demons with tails , similar to succubae . ( Although , whoever would be seduced by a being like this must be a freak who 's into asphyxiation ) . My eyes rolled to the side and saw my roommate sleeping peacefully in her own bed , I tried to yell to tell her to help me , but nothing came out . In fact the weight pressure quickened , almost as if the being on me was incensed by my mouth uselessly moving . I felt the thing get heavier and heavier and I went from having a hard time breathing , to having difficulty taking in any air at all . I looked down at my own body and saw nothing but an indentation . It became painful and I started to see purple and green spots dancing in front of my eyes . I remembered a conversation a long time ago that I must have faith that God would keep me from these creatures ; that I should pray and then laugh . Malevolent spirits supposedly hate being laughed at . I gathered my remaining energy and breath and started praying for His protection . A surge of confidence rushed through me and I said aloud , " Begone evil spirit . I am not frightened ; I am a child of God . " A small laugh of contempt for this poor creature that had nothing better to do pressed through my lips . I pushed my shoulder , chest and stomach upwards , trying to turn on my side and upset the ghost 's balance . Sure enough I felt a weight start sliding off my body . As it did so I heard an old woman 's low cackle before the heaviness completely lifted . It was a little chilling , but the knowledge that such a ghost had never killed anyone and that I had the protection of the Lord made me secure . I also knew that if it ever happened again I knew exactly what to do . Of course I still stared at the upper frame of my door shaken by my experience . Who knew that those ghouls were real ? I held fast to my newfound confidence , but still could not manage to sleep . This is probably why I mostly sleep on my side today , to make it harder for any spirits to balance on my body and make it harder for them to obstruct my breathing . The following is true and I was not on any kind of drug or alcohol , nor was I dreaming . I lived on Kauai for about 15 years spending my high school years there . I had heard many bizarre and spooky stories , including stories about the Night Marchers . I had no idea that one day I would encounter them up close ! In May of 1995 I went to the Big Island for a job interview . I didn 't get the job and I was " marooned " on the island , as I was broke and didn 't know anybody . I pitched a tent in Anae ' ho ' omalu , on the Kona side of the Big Island , far enough away from the resort area where I would not be easily found . This would be my " base camp " until I could get myself on my feet again . My tent was well hidden in the Ke ' awe and you could not see it unless you knew it was there . I pitched the tent on the only flat ground as the area is all lava fields . I saw many petroglyphs and a partially collapsed wall where I pitched my tent next to , utilizing the flat ground . It sounded like plastic buckets " clunking " together , so I figured the sounds was just someone out for a night dive . I laid still and waited for them to pass . I thought it odd that whoever they were had no lights . However , my single - man tent was covered completely with a canopy and I could not see out . I could " sense " that this " entity " was enjoying scaring me and it knew that I knew it was a ghost . It had almost a hint mischief in it 's voice . It knew I was freaking out , and it knew my name to top it all off ! Nobody knew me on the Big Island at that time . I certainly didn 't tell the job interviewer that I was camped on the beach . I could also sense that this being " had to go " as if it had more important things to do . I laid still , petrified with fear for about 20 minutes until I felt I was clear to go . I grabbed my blanket and ran as fast as I could along the beach to the lighted resort area about a 1 / 4 mile away . I looked up the date and the phase of the moon in a book of the Hawaiian Moon Calendar . One of the things it said was it was the time that The Night Marchers are seen ! Another book explained the " clunking " sounds as calabashes suspended from a pole in which provisions were carried when on a journey in the days of old . This experience remains to this day , the most inexplicable event of my life . My first summer in the program , I was a little apprehensive about living in the dorms . The day I moved in , I felt uncomfortable in my dorm room . However , I just chalked it up to being away from home and shyness . As soon as I came out of my shell and got to make friends , I didn 't feel uncomfortable in my room anymore . Since my first day in the dorms , there has always been ghost stories surrounding the particular dorm we lived in . Students would often spread rumors of ghostly children playing the halls or that the dorm was in the path of a Night Marchers ' trail . I was very skeptical about it . I was lying in my bed , alone in my dorm room , just relaxing from studying . I was just lying down , and listening to some music , nothing else . Then , I began to feel a hand behind my head . I was scared , because the door was closed and I knew that I was alone . Then the hand began to move around , underneath my head , as if it was playing with my hair . I tried my best to remain calm , I didn 't want to make any sudden movements . I slowly began to move away from my bed . As soon I moved my head , my pillow which my head had been on , went flying across the room and hit the wall across from my bed with tremendous force . At the moment , I felt like I was threatened , and I just ran like the building was on fire . I found the program director , and of course I brought it up with her . She just laughed at me and blamed the whole experience on me being scared about living away from home for so long . However , she did let me move into another room , and since then I 've never been into that room again . I have a friend that can see spirits . I know what you 're thinking , but just go with it . Since the strange goings - ons in my apartment had graduated to actual physical displeasure , I decided to enlist his help in figuring out what the hell was going on . First let me give you a little more background . Ever since the shadow man , my spare bedroom had turned into this creepy room that nobody wanted to go into . Every time my friends came over , they always steered clear from that room . It 's nothing we really talked about , just something we all mutually concurred on . That room was creepy . Case in point : a friend of mine came over . He had only been in my apartment living room before briefly , for about 5 minutes . He never saw the rest of my apartment . But he walked into my apartment and immediately turned the corner into the hallway . I thought he had to use the bathroom , but I didn 't hear the door close so I followed him . I found him standing in the middle of that spare bedroom . He turned around , rubbing his arms , and said " This is a creepy room , " to which I said " Funny you should mention that … " Back to the psychic friend . He asked me to draw him a map of my apartment labeling just the windows and the doors . So the crude picture I drew him ( that didn 't showcase my spectacular artistic ability at all , I might add ) looked something along the lines of this : He looked at the picture for a little while , and started pointing out where my furniture and everything was ( keep in mind he 's never seen my apartment in his life , not even in pictures ) . He located my couch , and he also located my computer desk ( " I feel a strong electrical disturbance here . Is this where you have a computer or something ? " ) . Then he looked at the spare bedroom and said " There 's a hole here . " A hole ? What did he mean ? " There 's a hole here where spirits can come in and out of . There is a man in your apartment who walks the line between malicious and harmless . He walks a path from your spare bedroom , into your bedroom , and into your bathroom . " This would explain why I felt like someone was looking over my shoulder sometimes . And it definitely explains why nobody liked going in that room . My friend suggested moving my bed further away from the door to stop him from pressing me ( it had happened about 3 times ) . I seemed to be in his way or something . But luckily not too long after that I moved out of that apartment . Not because it was haunted or anything , but because someone purchased it . I often wonder if the new tenants ever experience anything out of the ordinary . Back in 1982 when my mother was 32 , she lived by herself in a motel in Niumalu . One night at around 3 am , she awoke to someone holding down her left hand and pressing their other hand against her mouth . She couldn 't see anyone since it was so dark , but she could feel the skin of the hand . Judging by the size of the hand she guessed it was the hand of an old woman . She then started to pray and the sensation let off . My apartment was never the same after the shadow man experience . Every now and then , it would feel like someone was standing behind me , looking over my shoulder . Or I would hear a knock at the door , but nobody would be there when I looked out of the peephole . I could deal with those things , but there were some things that I couldn 't deal with in a logical way . One day my boyfriend ( at the time ) sister came for the day . She had the key to get into the apartment for that day and was coming back in the afternoon . I decided to take a nap . I fell asleep on my bed in the middle of the afternoon , probably around 2pm . I woke up because I thought I heard the sound of the door open , and keys jingling . I thought , " She 's back , I better get up ! " But for some reason , I couldn 't move . But I was able to see the doorway , and it looked like she was peeking through the doorway at me . I could just see a head . I thought , " Oh my goodness , how embarrassing ! I have to get up ! " But I couldn 't move . No matter how hard I tried , I couldn 't move . It felt like all my muscles were dead ; like they were suffocating , if that makes any sense . The whole time I struggled to move , someone was looking at me from the doorway . Finally I decided that I should just stop trying to fight it . The moment I did , I was able to move . I got up , went into the living room expecting her to be there , but she wasn 't . Nobody was there . Read More So my husband turns on the all the lights and begins searching around the house for any signs of the intruder . He can 't find anything . He gives up and turns around to head back into the house . My husband told me that at the moment he turned around , he felt like someone punched the back of his head . My husband flips around , ready to lay a beatdown on his attacker , but is surprised to find no one there . He runs around the house and cannot find any sign of any person besides himself . Suddenly we heard something rattle . My daughter and I look up to see this picture of my parents on the wall directly in front of us shake . Then , without warning , the picture suddenly comes flying at us . However , no one could ever get the mangoes . Everybody that I know that has climbed that tree to pick the mangoes , fell off trying to do so . But they wouldn 't just fall off . Victims of the mango tree have described it more as being pushed or flown off . Many times , this would result in a broken bone or some other serious injury . I remember there was this one day I went with one of my friends to try and get the mangoes . She climbed onto the headstone , and then onto the tree . The way that she was on the tree , she should have fallen straight down . Instead , it seemed like she flew a good distance away from the tree and she broke her arm . Nothing strange ever happened to me . I had always secretly wished that I could experience something paranormal , but you know what they say . It won 't happen if you expect it . My second year of college was a blur of parties and gatherings in my apartment . But one night sticks out in my mind as clear as day . My experience actually started a few parties before this particular one . It started with my inviting an acquaintance and his cousin to a party . He accepted , and asked " Can I bring one more person ? " I said sure , you know . The more the merrier . He said " Okay . But you can 't see him . " I was like , excuse me ? This particular friend was able to see spirits . I must admit I didn 't entirely believe him at all , so I said " Sure , just make sure you take him with you before you leave . " He didn 't take him with him . The night in question was ( appropriately ) a Halloween party . A bunch of my friends and I were dressed in costume , drinking beers and having a good time . About five people were sitting at my dining table , so I was standing nearby talking to them . From the dining table there was a clear view of my bedroom at the end of the hallway . There was a light on , so it was dimly lit . Suddenly , out of the corner of my eye , I saw a man standing in the middle of the doorway . He was solid black , standing there ominously . The second I turned to get a better look , he was gone . Slightly spooked , I turned to my friends and said " Okay . I 've had a few beers , but did anyone else see the man in my doorway just now ? " Everyone was silent . Some scoffed a bit , probably thinking I was just trying to scare them . Then my friend , who was dead sober , quietly said , " I saw him . " Everyone went silent . We decided that it was probably someone from the party who was in my room . My friend and I got up and went into my room expecting to find someone there , but everyone who was at my party was in the living room . Nobody was in my room . My Boy Scout troop went on a camping trip to the City of Refuge , an old native Hawaiian temple which in the native days , when there were many Hawaiian tribes on the Big Island , prisoners of war could run away from their captors . If they made it in the city walls they couldn 't be killed . So my Boy Scout troop decided to camp about a mile out from this place . We arrive at this campsite , a nice , small place . Not much of a beach , but it 's perfect for camping : quiet , no wind , no rain . The next day , we wake up to a beautiful , sunny day . We decided to walk to the City of Refuge . About two miles down a trail we saw some altars along the way and some petroglyphs . It was a really scenic , historical area with lots of native religious history . There were altars and walls where native villages used to be , some overtaken by the Kiawe trees that now inhabit the area . We saw this large , flat rock along the trail , and everyone stopped to look at it . One of our leaders told us all not to climb on it , as boy scouts often like to do . We listened , given the amount of possibly sacrificial altars we 've passed , and the types of stories told . The leader walked up to it and inspected it . He touched it , then backed away and said " lets go . " We turned back and head toward the campsite . We were moving pretty quickly now . It 's obvious that our leader was pretty spooked . Everyone was mostly silent during the trip . When we got back to camp , two friends and I set out exploring . We come across a long , flat path and decided to walk down it . When we reached the end of the path we saw a sign that read " Warning : Hawaiian rock slides ! Do not enter ! " Apparently it was a rock slide used in a native village for recreation . At this point darkness seemed to fall unusually early , within an hour 's time of us noticing what we had done . The wind picked up , and rain began to pour . Throughout the night , the wind and rain both picked up speed . At one point we were all soaking wet under the large tarp we brought . The scout leader who took us out on the hike , practically screaming at the top of his lungs , tells us this : When we were out and got to that large , flat rock , something seemed wrong . Everyone seemed to agree . We all felt it . Something told him to touch the rock , as if it called to him . He couldn 't resist . He touched it , and said he felt the pain of the people who traveled this same trail , being chased by their enemies ; the enemies who would surely kill them if they were caught . He felt the pain of those who died in the area . It all came to him in an instant , that 's when everyone was silent . We all felt something , as if something was telling us to leave this place . Well , the wind and the rain picked up to such a point that no one could sleep . The tents began to soak and it was impossible to stay dry with the wind creating near horizontal rain torrents . So at 6 am , before the sun even peaked out over the mountains , we packed it all up and drove back to Hilo , tired . Most of us hadn 't slept because of the deafening howl of the wind and the cold of the rain . And that was the end of the trip . We 've added a mailing list feature which you can find located on the left . By signing up , you will be able to be notified whenever we post new stories . You will also be able to join our googlegroup ( completely optional ) , where we can participate in discussions of anything you like . We hope you enjoy the new feature and take advantage of it ! My grandmother was always around . My father rarely liked this . . . sometimes he thought she was more of an annoyance than a help . My grandmother is very talkative . She always tends to be the type to get caught in a " sewing circle " type of rumor forwarding fairly easy , and always wants to add you to the circle . One day my grandmother came over , and after the usual small talk about who in the family is spoiled , who needs help in school etc . , she says " Roland has been having strange dreams , you know ? " My mom obviously didn 't know , so she replied " Whatchumean ma , weird dreams ? " " Well , he says there 's this couple , and dey keep telling him ' Come . Come with us . ' Not like mean kind , but they keep telling him . And he says he cannot make them stop ! And he no like go , you know , but they keep trying to make him , yeah ? " So my mom tells her " Maybe he should see somebody , then , " suggesting she take him to a Kahuna , or one of my grandmothers " psychic " friends . So one night , we 're all sitting around in the living room . I think my mom and grandmother must have been making leis or something , cause the TV wasn 't on . My uncle was there . I think he was about 15 at the time , and I was 7 . My grandmother was saying how she was thinking about taking him to a kahuna . My uncle says something in response . I 'm not paying much attention , I 'm doing some homework . About 30 minutes pass , and in a particularly quiet moment , my uncle falls onto the living room floor and grabs his head and screams . It looked as if he was having some sort of strange screaming seizure . He was convulsing . He was grabbing at his chest and his head , like he 's trying to rip something out from under his skin with his fingers . Everything seems to slow at this point . My mom is shouting " Get him up ! " My grandma is shouting " No , leave him alone ! " About two minutes pass . Every second felt like an hour . Finally , he stopped . He rolled over and picked himself up off the floor and looked around , squinty - eyed . He didn 't say anything . My grandmother decided this was a good time to leave , and went home . Later we found out that he saw the couple again , and they were saying to him " Come . Come , " and gesturing . He said he saw a yard , and a path . He described the place to my mother 's sister , and somehow she knew where it was . They went to the place , which was in someone 's yard . According to my uncle , it looked like it did as showed to him in his dreams . They asked the owners for permission to dig in the spot where he was taken to in the dream . Nothing was found . But the dreams never came again , and he never saw those people after that . I guess they were satisfied that what they were looking for just wasn 't there to be found . When my grandma was dying , we would spend a lot of time in her hospital room . I remember one day , toward the end of her life , all the women were around her bed praying the rosary : my mom , two aunties , and a family friend . Me and the daughter of our family friend were sitting nearby just watching . All the women were crying and sniffling , you could hear it in between prayers . Then , all of a sudden , all of them gasped and said " Oh my God , do you smell that ? " I desperately sniffed the air , hard , but smelled nothing . But all four women , plus the daughter , smelled it . It was roses . The unmistakable scent of roses . They said it filled the whole room . So they thought , are there any flowers around ? There were no flowers in the room . One of the women went outside to look too , but there were no flowers . The smell went away , but a few minutes later it came back again . This time only the four women smelled it . I don 't know how they smelled anything at all . Their noses were all completely stuffed . But I 'll never forget how they all gasped at the same time and yelled , " Do you smell that ? Roses ! "

We ended up going to Richardson 's beach . When we got there it was an extremely clear night . You could see everything because of how bright the moon and stars were that night . The tide was abnormally low . " Hey , let 's go over there , " I pointed to my friend . As if it was on cue , the wind picked up and we heard a single , but loud , baby 's cry . It was so loud , my friend and I were convinced that the baby it had come from needed to have been on the beach with us . We combed that beach completely , looking for the baby . We didn 't find anything . After searching for quite some time , we decided to leave . There was just something eerie about the baby 's cry and the wind . We didn 't feel comfortable staying there any longer than we had to . This happened back in the mid - eighties , around 1985 . My friend 's house was built on a grave of a Japanese man . At first it was just odd noises . Then lights would come on , and then the showers . These disturbances would happen whenever everyone was together in another room . We would always make sure everything was off when we left the house , but sometimes we would get a call saying that we left the water running and the lights on . The disturbances graduated to doors slamming real loud , and what sounded like really heavy footsteps . Almost like someone was stomping on purpose . My friend 's parents finally decided to call some kind of holy man . I wasn 't there at that time since they only wanted the family to be present , but the holy man walked through the house with some kind of pendant . It started going in circles until it was straight out . Then he started talking in a very different voice that was not his own . My friend said that it was the voice of the old Japanese man that was buried on the property . I had never put much faith in ghosts , haunts , poltergeists or other floaty white transparent beings . I believed in God and while he did have spiritual phenomena , many of the scary tales bobbing around were just that ; scary tales to keep children in line , or to impress , or to make your loved one 's skin crawl and want to jump into your arms . They were good to listen to and occasionally gave me nightmares , but I never started looking over my shoulder for them or keeping my ears pricked for strange bumps in the night . If there were any , those were usually my neighbors having sex or the people above me stomping on the floor , somehow believing that this would oil the afore mentioned neighbors bedsprings or pad their headboard . I wish we had headboards to bang in our dorm rooms in college ; that way we would have been able to tell without knocking that we shouldn 't interrupt . I wish that night that I had someone to sleep with and to reassure me that what happened was a dream , that I had my eyes closed the whole time and I was muttering crazy things . But as it was , I was alone and exposed . How do I know it wasn 't a dream ? Because you don 't dream about trying to go back to sleep . And I swear as I felt the pressure settle on my chest , I saw the blankets and covers flatten . It was as if someone had just settled down and sat on my chest , but slowly increased how much weight they were putting on me . My mind whirled . I had heard of these . Most describe this kind of experience as a brush with the sitting ghost , an old woman with scraggly gray hair that slowly tries to crush the breath out of you but never succeeds . I also heard of these beings as demons with tails , similar to succubae . ( Although , whoever would be seduced by a being like this must be a freak who 's into asphyxiation ) . My eyes rolled to the side and saw my roommate sleeping peacefully in her own bed , I tried to yell to tell her to help me , but nothing came out . In fact the weight pressure quickened , almost as if the being on me was incensed by my mouth uselessly moving . I felt the thing get heavier and heavier and I went from having a hard time breathing , to having difficulty taking in any air at all . I looked down at my own body and saw nothing but an indentation . It became painful and I started to see purple and green spots dancing in front of my eyes . I remembered a conversation a long time ago that I must have faith that God would keep me from these creatures ; that I should pray and then laugh . Malevolent spirits supposedly hate being laughed at . I gathered my remaining energy and breath and started praying for His protection . A surge of confidence rushed through me and I said aloud , " Begone evil spirit . I am not frightened ; I am a child of God . " A small laugh of contempt for this poor creature that had nothing better to do pressed through my lips . I pushed my shoulder , chest and stomach upwards , trying to turn on my side and upset the ghost 's balance . Sure enough I felt a weight start sliding off my body . As it did so I heard an old woman 's low cackle before the heaviness completely lifted . It was a little chilling , but the knowledge that such a ghost had never killed anyone and that I had the protection of the Lord made me secure . I also knew that if it ever happened again I knew exactly what to do . Of course I still stared at the upper frame of my door shaken by my experience . Who knew that those ghouls were real ? I held fast to my newfound confidence , but still could not manage to sleep . This is probably why I mostly sleep on my side today , to make it harder for any spirits to balance on my body and make it harder for them to obstruct my breathing . The following is true and I was not on any kind of drug or alcohol , nor was I dreaming . I lived on Kauai for about 15 years spending my high school years there . I had heard many bizarre and spooky stories , including stories about the Night Marchers . I had no idea that one day I would encounter them up close ! In May of 1995 I went to the Big Island for a job interview . I didn 't get the job and I was " marooned " on the island , as I was broke and didn 't know anybody . I pitched a tent in Anae ' ho ' omalu , on the Kona side of the Big Island , far enough away from the resort area where I would not be easily found . This would be my " base camp " until I could get myself on my feet again . My tent was well hidden in the Ke ' awe and you could not see it unless you knew it was there . I pitched the tent on the only flat ground as the area is all lava fields . I saw many petroglyphs and a partially collapsed wall where I pitched my tent next to , utilizing the flat ground . It sounded like plastic buckets " clunking " together , so I figured the sounds was just someone out for a night dive . I laid still and waited for them to pass . I thought it odd that whoever they were had no lights . However , my single - man tent was covered completely with a canopy and I could not see out . I could " sense " that this " entity " was enjoying scaring me and it knew that I knew it was a ghost . It had almost a hint mischief in it 's voice . It knew I was freaking out , and it knew my name to top it all off ! Nobody knew me on the Big Island at that time . I certainly didn 't tell the job interviewer that I was camped on the beach . I could also sense that this being " had to go " as if it had more important things to do . I laid still , petrified with fear for about 20 minutes until I felt I was clear to go . I grabbed my blanket and ran as fast as I could along the beach to the lighted resort area about a 1 / 4 mile away . I looked up the date and the phase of the moon in a book of the Hawaiian Moon Calendar . One of the things it said was it was the time that The Night Marchers are seen ! Another book explained the " clunking " sounds as calabashes suspended from a pole in which provisions were carried when on a journey in the days of old . This experience remains to this day , the most inexplicable event of my life . My first summer in the program , I was a little apprehensive about living in the dorms . The day I moved in , I felt uncomfortable in my dorm room . However , I just chalked it up to being away from home and shyness . As soon as I came out of my shell and got to make friends , I didn 't feel uncomfortable in my room anymore . Since my first day in the dorms , there has always been ghost stories surrounding the particular dorm we lived in . Students would often spread rumors of ghostly children playing the halls or that the dorm was in the path of a Night Marchers ' trail . I was very skeptical about it . I was lying in my bed , alone in my dorm room , just relaxing from studying . I was just lying down , and listening to some music , nothing else . Then , I began to feel a hand behind my head . I was scared , because the door was closed and I knew that I was alone . Then the hand began to move around , underneath my head , as if it was playing with my hair . I tried my best to remain calm , I didn 't want to make any sudden movements . I slowly began to move away from my bed . As soon I moved my head , my pillow which my head had been on , went flying across the room and hit the wall across from my bed with tremendous force . At the moment , I felt like I was threatened , and I just ran like the building was on fire . I found the program director , and of course I brought it up with her . She just laughed at me and blamed the whole experience on me being scared about living away from home for so long . However , she did let me move into another room , and since then I 've never been into that room again . I have a friend that can see spirits . I know what you 're thinking , but just go with it . Since the strange goings - ons in my apartment had graduated to actual physical displeasure , I decided to enlist his help in figuring out what the hell was going on . First let me give you a little more background . Ever since the shadow man , my spare bedroom had turned into this creepy room that nobody wanted to go into . Every time my friends came over , they always steered clear from that room . It 's nothing we really talked about , just something we all mutually concurred on . That room was creepy . Case in point : a friend of mine came over . He had only been in my apartment living room before briefly , for about 5 minutes . He never saw the rest of my apartment . But he walked into my apartment and immediately turned the corner into the hallway . I thought he had to use the bathroom , but I didn 't hear the door close so I followed him . I found him standing in the middle of that spare bedroom . He turned around , rubbing his arms , and said " This is a creepy room , " to which I said " Funny you should mention that … " Back to the psychic friend . He asked me to draw him a map of my apartment labeling just the windows and the doors . So the crude picture I drew him ( that didn 't showcase my spectacular artistic ability at all , I might add ) looked something along the lines of this : He looked at the picture for a little while , and started pointing out where my furniture and everything was ( keep in mind he 's never seen my apartment in his life , not even in pictures ) . He located my couch , and he also located my computer desk ( " I feel a strong electrical disturbance here . Is this where you have a computer or something ? " ) . Then he looked at the spare bedroom and said " There 's a hole here . " A hole ? What did he mean ? " There 's a hole here where spirits can come in and out of . There is a man in your apartment who walks the line between malicious and harmless . He walks a path from your spare bedroom , into your bedroom , and into your bathroom . " This would explain why I felt like someone was looking over my shoulder sometimes . And it definitely explains why nobody liked going in that room . My friend suggested moving my bed further away from the door to stop him from pressing me ( it had happened about 3 times ) . I seemed to be in his way or something . But luckily not too long after that I moved out of that apartment . Not because it was haunted or anything , but because someone purchased it . I often wonder if the new tenants ever experience anything out of the ordinary . Back in 1982 when my mother was 32 , she lived by herself in a motel in Niumalu . One night at around 3 am , she awoke to someone holding down her left hand and pressing their other hand against her mouth . She couldn 't see anyone since it was so dark , but she could feel the skin of the hand . Judging by the size of the hand she guessed it was the hand of an old woman . She then started to pray and the sensation let off . My apartment was never the same after the shadow man experience . Every now and then , it would feel like someone was standing behind me , looking over my shoulder . Or I would hear a knock at the door , but nobody would be there when I looked out of the peephole . I could deal with those things , but there were some things that I couldn 't deal with in a logical way . One day my boyfriend ( at the time ) sister came for the day . She had the key to get into the apartment for that day and was coming back in the afternoon . I decided to take a nap . I fell asleep on my bed in the middle of the afternoon , probably around 2pm . I woke up because I thought I heard the sound of the door open , and keys jingling . I thought , " She 's back , I better get up ! " But for some reason , I couldn 't move . But I was able to see the doorway , and it looked like she was peeking through the doorway at me . I could just see a head . I thought , " Oh my goodness , how embarrassing ! I have to get up ! " But I couldn 't move . No matter how hard I tried , I couldn 't move . It felt like all my muscles were dead ; like they were suffocating , if that makes any sense . The whole time I struggled to move , someone was looking at me from the doorway . Finally I decided that I should just stop trying to fight it . The moment I did , I was able to move . I got up , went into the living room expecting her to be there , but she wasn 't . Nobody was there . Read More So my husband turns on the all the lights and begins searching around the house for any signs of the intruder . He can 't find anything . He gives up and turns around to head back into the house . My husband told me that at the moment he turned around , he felt like someone punched the back of his head . My husband flips around , ready to lay a beatdown on his attacker , but is surprised to find no one there . He runs around the house and cannot find any sign of any person besides himself . Suddenly we heard something rattle . My daughter and I look up to see this picture of my parents on the wall directly in front of us shake . Then , without warning , the picture suddenly comes flying at us . However , no one could ever get the mangoes . Everybody that I know that has climbed that tree to pick the mangoes , fell off trying to do so . But they wouldn 't just fall off . Victims of the mango tree have described it more as being pushed or flown off . Many times , this would result in a broken bone or some other serious injury . I remember there was this one day I went with one of my friends to try and get the mangoes . She climbed onto the headstone , and then onto the tree . The way that she was on the tree , she should have fallen straight down . Instead , it seemed like she flew a good distance away from the tree and she broke her arm . Nothing strange ever happened to me . I had always secretly wished that I could experience something paranormal , but you know what they say . It won 't happen if you expect it . My second year of college was a blur of parties and gatherings in my apartment . But one night sticks out in my mind as clear as day . My experience actually started a few parties before this particular one . It started with my inviting an acquaintance and his cousin to a party . He accepted , and asked " Can I bring one more person ? " I said sure , you know . The more the merrier . He said " Okay . But you can 't see him . " I was like , excuse me ? This particular friend was able to see spirits . I must admit I didn 't entirely believe him at all , so I said " Sure , just make sure you take him with you before you leave . " He didn 't take him with him . The night in question was ( appropriately ) a Halloween party . A bunch of my friends and I were dressed in costume , drinking beers and having a good time . About five people were sitting at my dining table , so I was standing nearby talking to them . From the dining table there was a clear view of my bedroom at the end of the hallway . There was a light on , so it was dimly lit . Suddenly , out of the corner of my eye , I saw a man standing in the middle of the doorway . He was solid black , standing there ominously . The second I turned to get a better look , he was gone . Slightly spooked , I turned to my friends and said " Okay . I 've had a few beers , but did anyone else see the man in my doorway just now ? " Everyone was silent . Some scoffed a bit , probably thinking I was just trying to scare them . Then my friend , who was dead sober , quietly said , " I saw him . " Everyone went silent . We decided that it was probably someone from the party who was in my room . My friend and I got up and went into my room expecting to find someone there , but everyone who was at my party was in the living room . Nobody was in my room . My Boy Scout troop went on a camping trip to the City of Refuge , an old native Hawaiian temple which in the native days , when there were many Hawaiian tribes on the Big Island , prisoners of war could run away from their captors . If they made it in the city walls they couldn 't be killed . So my Boy Scout troop decided to camp about a mile out from this place . We arrive at this campsite , a nice , small place . Not much of a beach , but it 's perfect for camping : quiet , no wind , no rain . The next day , we wake up to a beautiful , sunny day . We decided to walk to the City of Refuge . About two miles down a trail we saw some altars along the way and some petroglyphs . It was a really scenic , historical area with lots of native religious history . There were altars and walls where native villages used to be , some overtaken by the Kiawe trees that now inhabit the area . We saw this large , flat rock along the trail , and everyone stopped to look at it . One of our leaders told us all not to climb on it , as boy scouts often like to do . We listened , given the amount of possibly sacrificial altars we 've passed , and the types of stories told . The leader walked up to it and inspected it . He touched it , then backed away and said " lets go . " We turned back and head toward the campsite . We were moving pretty quickly now . It 's obvious that our leader was pretty spooked . Everyone was mostly silent during the trip . When we got back to camp , two friends and I set out exploring . We come across a long , flat path and decided to walk down it . When we reached the end of the path we saw a sign that read " Warning : Hawaiian rock slides ! Do not enter ! " Apparently it was a rock slide used in a native village for recreation . At this point darkness seemed to fall unusually early , within an hour 's time of us noticing what we had done . The wind picked up , and rain began to pour . Throughout the night , the wind and rain both picked up speed . At one point we were all soaking wet under the large tarp we brought . The scout leader who took us out on the hike , practically screaming at the top of his lungs , tells us this : When we were out and got to that large , flat rock , something seemed wrong . Everyone seemed to agree . We all felt it . Something told him to touch the rock , as if it called to him . He couldn 't resist . He touched it , and said he felt the pain of the people who traveled this same trail , being chased by their enemies ; the enemies who would surely kill them if they were caught . He felt the pain of those who died in the area . It all came to him in an instant , that 's when everyone was silent . We all felt something , as if something was telling us to leave this place . Well , the wind and the rain picked up to such a point that no one could sleep . The tents began to soak and it was impossible to stay dry with the wind creating near horizontal rain torrents . So at 6 am , before the sun even peaked out over the mountains , we packed it all up and drove back to Hilo , tired . Most of us hadn 't slept because of the deafening howl of the wind and the cold of the rain . And that was the end of the trip . We 've added a mailing list feature which you can find located on the left . By signing up , you will be able to be notified whenever we post new stories . You will also be able to join our googlegroup ( completely optional ) , where we can participate in discussions of anything you like . We hope you enjoy the new feature and take advantage of it ! My grandmother was always around . My father rarely liked this . . . sometimes he thought she was more of an annoyance than a help . My grandmother is very talkative . She always tends to be the type to get caught in a " sewing circle " type of rumor forwarding fairly easy , and always wants to add you to the circle . One day my grandmother came over , and after the usual small talk about who in the family is spoiled , who needs help in school etc . , she says " Roland has been having strange dreams , you know ? " My mom obviously didn 't know , so she replied " Whatchumean ma , weird dreams ? " " Well , he says there 's this couple , and dey keep telling him ' Come . Come with us . ' Not like mean kind , but they keep telling him . And he says he cannot make them stop ! And he no like go , you know , but they keep trying to make him , yeah ? " So my mom tells her " Maybe he should see somebody , then , " suggesting she take him to a Kahuna , or one of my grandmothers " psychic " friends . So one night , we 're all sitting around in the living room . I think my mom and grandmother must have been making leis or something , cause the TV wasn 't on . My uncle was there . I think he was about 15 at the time , and I was 7 . My grandmother was saying how she was thinking about taking him to a kahuna . My uncle says something in response . I 'm not paying much attention , I 'm doing some homework . About 30 minutes pass , and in a particularly quiet moment , my uncle falls onto the living room floor and grabs his head and screams . It looked as if he was having some sort of strange screaming seizure . He was convulsing . He was grabbing at his chest and his head , like he 's trying to rip something out from under his skin with his fingers . Everything seems to slow at this point . My mom is shouting " Get him up ! " My grandma is shouting " No , leave him alone ! " About two minutes pass . Every second felt like an hour . Finally , he stopped . He rolled over and picked himself up off the floor and looked around , squinty - eyed . He didn 't say anything . My grandmother decided this was a good time to leave , and went home . Later we found out that he saw the couple again , and they were saying to him " Come . Come , " and gesturing . He said he saw a yard , and a path . He described the place to my mother 's sister , and somehow she knew where it was . They went to the place , which was in someone 's yard . According to my uncle , it looked like it did as showed to him in his dreams . They asked the owners for permission to dig in the spot where he was taken to in the dream . Nothing was found . But the dreams never came again , and he never saw those people after that . I guess they were satisfied that what they were looking for just wasn 't there to be found . When my grandma was dying , we would spend a lot of time in her hospital room . I remember one day , toward the end of her life , all the women were around her bed praying the rosary : my mom , two aunties , and a family friend . Me and the daughter of our family friend were sitting nearby just watching . All the women were crying and sniffling , you could hear it in between prayers . Then , all of a sudden , all of them gasped and said " Oh my God , do you smell that ? " I desperately sniffed the air , hard , but smelled nothing . But all four women , plus the daughter , smelled it . It was roses . The unmistakable scent of roses . They said it filled the whole room . So they thought , are there any flowers around ? There were no flowers in the room . One of the women went outside to look too , but there were no flowers . The smell went away , but a few minutes later it came back again . This time only the four women smelled it . I don 't know how they smelled anything at all . Their noses were all completely stuffed . But I 'll never forget how they all gasped at the same time and yelled , " Do you smell that ? Roses ! "

In the past I have written about how my husband has become an east coast driver due to his daily commute on the beltway for work . He tends to drive too fast for me and when I am with him he hears a lot of things about speed limits and how we aren 't in a hurry to get there . A few weekends ago , we decided to take a drive up to eagle watch and if we just happened to stop at Philly Pretzel Factory on the way back home no one would be complaining . It was raining lightly , more of a drizzle and annoying than anything . We saw a few eagles and then drove up to see if I could get pictures of a covered bridge that was being used for engagement photos the last time we were up that way . This time a group of boy scouts were fishing off the bridge , so we decided to pick up the pretzels and head home . I - 95 was wet , but traffic wasn 't as bad as it could be on a Saturday and most people were actually driving a few miles below the speed limit . We were one exit away from ours and in the middle of three lanes of southbound traffic . My husband asked if I could get him one of the pretzel rivets . I reached for them from the back seat and handed him one , keeping the box on my lap in case he wanted another . All of a sudden a red pickup truck in the left lane goes zooming by , not noticing that the traffic in front of him was slower . He braked , fish tailed and then over corrected which caused his truck to start spinning , hitting other cars in front and on the side . My husband saw what was happening and slowed down . Luckily the people on the side of us and behind us did the same . I envisioned us getting hit on all sides . Car parts were flying off and the tailgate from the truck flew off landing on the left shoulder . It was like a scene out of a movie . The car in front of us decided to move to the right lane instead of staying stopped and the truck slammed into them before coming to a stop on the right shoulder as if he parked the truck there . All told the truck hit 6 vehicles . We would later learn that there were no reports of injuries . I looked over at my husband and he smiled , probably to counter the look of shock on my face . " I see at least three of these types of accidents each week on my way home from work . " He was carefully navigating us through the car parts littering the highway to get out of the way of the accident scene . " It 's because if I get into an accident , you 'll know and be able to call for help . Nice save on the pretzels by the way . I 'll take another one now . " Looking down , I realized that through the whole accident , I had held on to the pretzels like I was holding a football . " They 're good pretzels . " And they are . Remember when you were little and people would ask what you wanted to be when you grew up . My answer up until the age of 9 was that I wanted to be a nurse . That changed after I spent 11 days in the hospital with double pneumonia . I was kept in isolation and because there wasn 't a room available on the children 's ward , I was given a room on the geriatric floor . The sounds at night were very scary to a 9 - year - old . I was also having to get multiple blood draws and because I am hard to draw blood from , I was stuck over and over again . To a 9 - year - old , I couldn 't understand why the nurses let me be hurt by the people drawing blood , so I decided that nursing was not my calling . My husband finds it funny that I ended up working in the medical field . Yes , I work around nurses and know that all nurses are not mean , but I also know that I made the right decision not to become a nurse . My husband had the first of possibly three surgeries on his arm earlier this week . His arm had been feeling numb and tingling for the better part of a year . Of course , he being who he is , he didn 't tell me . He was worried that it was cardiac related . When I found out about it , I made him get an appointment with a primary care physician . He hadn 't been to a doctor since he left the military . His doctor I am happy to say is wonderful and has put him through a variety of tests . The good news is that he is better than I thought he might be . The bad news is that the numbness and tingling meant he has to have surgery . I am fine with all of the things needed to be done prior to having surgery . I went with him for his MRI and made sure that he got his pre - op clearance physical and labs done in plenty of time for the records to be sent to the hospital . I also made sure he got copies of everything in case something was missing the day of the surgery . The surgery was scheduled for mid - morning and he had to check in 2 hours prior . They let me stay with him up until they were taking him to the surgical suite . I was given a number to watch the board to keep track of what was happening with the surgery . The one issue that I had with the surgical board was that the information was not real - time . By the time he showed up as " Procedure in progress " it was actually over and he was in recovery . The first nurse he had in recovery was rude and totally out of line in regards to how she briefed the second nurse who came to cover her for lunch . It was like my husband was a total inconvenience to her . The second nurse asked questions and joked with my husband making him feel more comfortable . I went so far as to ask her if she could keep watch over him until he was released as the first nurse was not very polite . She said that she would and she did . I was fine getting him home , making sure he was comfortable and took his pain meds . I got him ice for his ice packs and pillows to keep his arm elevated . And when he was hungry , I made sure his food was something he was able to manage one - handed . But when it comes down to having to look at the wound and change the dressing . I am not a good nurse . I know that it is psychological , but I get absolutely queasy dealing with someone 's wound . I don 't want to look at it and I am afraid I will hurt him . It hasn 't been too bad so far , but I keep reminding him that this is the reason I didn 't become a nurse . He laughs and say 's he didn 't marry me for my nursing skills . I laugh and tell him it 's a good thing I knew I didn 't want to be a nurse when I was 9 . If I had become one , I have a feeling I would be more like nurse # 1 instead of nurse # 2 . The scanning of family photos that my husband made his winter project came to an end shortly before the remodeling of the man cave / media room began . Once all the photos were scanned , my husband brought up a packet of photos that I realized I had never seen before . It was several photos of he and our son taken in California when our son had joined him for a long weekend while he was on a two - week business trip . The photos were of the two of them at Legoland . We had told our son when he was younger that if we were ever near a Legoland , we would take him there . I had originally thought we would find time to visit the one in Florida when we lived in the south , but things had never worked out . So here were photos taken when my son was 17 and his dad took him to Legoland , fulfilling a promise made a long time ago . While my son was too big for many of the rides , they still had a great time . They also weren 't the only father / older son there . Looking at the photos , I saw two happy people and realized that it was probably the last time the two of them were in a photo together . We have gotten away from taking pictures together and use our phone most of the time to capture events in our life . Very few of those are of more than one person in the picture . And even fewer have my son as a part of them . While cell phones are great to capture a moment , we should pull out an actual camera to capture family times that we can look back on and remember everyone together . Time is too precious and there are too many memories left to make . My husband is a list maker . He has a list of things he needs to do . There are those that are on the list for the week , such as mow the lawn and weed the flowers . And those that are on the list for the month and even long term . When he completes something , he crosses it off the list . He also doesn 't add something to his list if he started it and forgot to put it on it . I will sometimes race to his list and add something he is doing just so he can mark it off . Me , I am not a list person . I know what I need to do . I keep that in my head , but I don 't need a visual reminder of things that I might not get to . That would be too depressing to keep seeing things I need to get to , but would rather do something else instead . So as we put the last piece of furniture back in place in the man cave / media room , I reminded my husband that he could cross the project off of his list . He reminded me that we still needed to get the paint off the door hinges , but that wouldn 't take long , so he crossed the project off his list . He then began to see what other projects were on his list that he would focus on next . I hoped he would just relax for a little while . The DIY project reminded us both that we are both getting older and at times the project kicked our a $ % . But as luck would have it , or in our case , bad luck . Another DIY project fell into our laps . On Monday morning , I heard my husband yell from the bedroom . The dog and I hurried upstairs where I found my husband in his t - shirt and undies . " Why were you yelling ? " I asked him . I opened the closet and saw that the shelves had pulled away from one wall and there were clothes and blankets and pillows and shoes piled three feet high on the floor . I looked at him and back at the closet . I took a step into the mess on the floor and reached my clothes for work and backed out of the closet . " Hmmm … looks like all of your clothes are on the floor . " I reached back in and pulled up a pile of clothes and laid them on the bed . " I 'll be right back , " I told him as I raced back down the stairs . I found his " To Do " list and wrote , " Closet Makeover . " He 'll be able to cross that off as soon as we finish . Going back upstairs I found suits and dress shirts laying over the banister and the bed was covered with blankets and pillows . " Get dressed . We can finish clearing this out after work , " I told him . My husband was staring at the wall where the shelves had fallen . " He didn 't put them into the studs . Who doesn 't put up shelves in the studs ? " " Thank you , " he said as he kissed me and walked out of the bedroom . " We 'll start designing the new closet tonight . I don 't want to look at my suits hanging over the banister for too long . We should be able to do it this weekend . " My husband and I have some interesting conversations during dinner . At work , he is the only man on his team and he often comes home from work with tales of interesting work conversations that he was forced to over hear . He uses the work forced because there really isn 't anyplace for him to escape to . He works in a cube in the middle of other cubes , so he basically hears everything . And apparently most of the women have no real filter and nothing is off limits to talk about . The other day he came home and while we were putting dinner on the table he asked how many products I use on my skin . I looked at him and of course asked him why he was asking . He said that one of the women that he worked with was talking about how long it took her to get ready in the morning . Hubby : " A list that tells her what order to put things on . She lines them all up on the counter and checks them off one by one . She said if she goes out of order she has to start over and she might be late for work . " Me : " Let 's see , I use a facial cleanser in the morning and a moisturizer with sunscreen . Then I use a micellar cleansing water at night and then I use the facial wipes during the day to refresh . So that would be four items . " Saturday was only supposed to be a slight chance of rain , so we decided to take a drive and see the sights . Of course , it rained most of the trip . Here are some pictures . Please ignore the rain drops on the lens . We have lived in many different states and have lived in both apartments and houses . And in all of those states , I have never seen houses in need of a bath before . Oh , I 've seen houses in various states of disrepair . Some falling down due to neglect . Others being remodeled . But none have been dirty . And then we moved to Maryland . And here , houses need a bath every once in a while . The reason ? Apparently the combination between the bay , the river and the ocean all make for an atmosphere where mold and algae grows on houses . When we lived in Louisiana , where it is wet , humid and downright swampy all year round , the house we lived in didn 't look dirty on the outside . We would later learn that the house was filled with black mold inside , which made my son sick for the four years that we lived there , but the outside looked fine . In Kansas , it was windy and dusty . The combination of the two seemed to act as a sand blaster , so the house always looked clean . Upon moving to Maryland , there were a plethora of signs offering power washing for your house . At first , I didn 't understand why the need to power wash a house , but when we began looking to buy a house , we quickly noticed the mold that seemed to grow on the houses . And once you notice something , you continue to notice that until that seems to be all that you notice about a house . The house that we bought was apparently power washed by the previous owners prior to putting the house up for sale . After we purchased it , I did wonder how often the house would need to be washed . Apparently it takes about three years for the mold to become noticeable and it was really only on one side of the house . The rest of the house didn 't show anything . The house shown isn 't ours , but shows what the issue is . So my husband made a few calls and found a company that uses a natural cleaner that doesn 't affect the environment and has a barrier to make it harder for the mold to grow . And the house got a bath . Now , when you leave the house , there is a sort of minty smell , which is the cleaner and will apparently fade over the next few weeks . Of course , the day after the wash , a bird left it 's calling card on one of the shutters . Now if mother nature would help wash it away I would greatly appreciate it . And no , I 'm not referencing the 80 's band by the same name . I 'm talking real ones . Before moving to Maryland , I had never seen a seagull up close . I saw them on television and had read that they could be pretty bold when it came to food and stealing it out of a person 's hand . They aren 't really seen in Kansas . Here in Maryland , I live near a river and the bay , so you see seagulls . Of course , most of those sightings are in the parking lots of stores . The gulls have learned that parking lots are a good source of food . After all , people love tossing things away and a few don 't care where they toss their trash and parking lots seem to find a lot of it . Last weekend , my husband and I were running errands . He wanted to run into Target and I decided to wait in the car . Within a few minutes , a mom came out of the store pushing a cart with her child in the main section . In the upper section were two drinks and apparently some sort of food . The mom stopped and lifted her child out of the cart to put them in the car , and in the blink of an eye , a swarm of seagulls swooped in and picked the shopping cart free of the food . I thought I was seeing things when I saw a seagull with a bag of chips flying away . Another lifted a cup from the cart and dropped it . The mother turned and looked , screamed and dashed into the back seat of her car . The seagull with the bag of chips dropped it a few spaces away and the swarm was all over it . Chips disappeared quicker than snow on a hot grill . The gulls were hovering over the cars . Two literally hovered in front of my car . I wanted to get a picture , but my purse with my cell was on the backseat and there was no way I was getting out of my car in the middle of a scene from The Birds . Once the food was gone so were the birds . A few minutes later my husband came out of the store . As we drove out of the parking lot we passed the seagulls sitting on the ground about twenty feet away . " I always wonder why seagulls seem to hang out in parking lots , " my husband stated . " You should have come out two minutes ago . " I replied . " You would know exactly why they hang out here . It was an all you can eat buffet . They apparently like potato chips . " I don 't think he believed me . But he will . Next time I 'll have my cell close at hand . I blame the taxes . Every year when my husband starts the process of getting things together to do our income taxes things around the house gets a little crazy . It starts with him gathering all of the documents together and pulling those into the tax software that can be pulled in electronically . Once he starts entering data , I usually hear cussing and grumbling and updates being yelled upstairs , such as " we 're in the red . Son - of - a - mother f # $ % & ! " But this year was different . I didn 't hear cussing or grumbling . We were in the green and the conversation from downstairs was more of " we 're getting money back . We should think about bringing Chris in and painting the downstairs . " Chris is the general contractor that has repaired a section over our garage and built our deck last spring . So I began to think about finishing the man cave - media room . Once the taxes were done , signed and e - filed , the conversation turned to saving money by replacing the ceiling tiles ourselves . Chris would still paint , but we would get the ceiling tiles from the home improvement store down the road and Chris would do everything else . We were picking up the first round of ceiling tiles , I say first round because more would be needed later due to a slight correction that needed to be made ( note to self : just because a piece of tile looks like it is half of a big one , it isn 't and it means having to cut a lot of pieces to get the sized needed , which translates to more tile ) , my husband said that we should pick out colors . " I thought you picked out colors a few weeks ago , " I replied . He did , but that was at another paint store . We needed to find similar colors here , so we picked up paint cards to take home and hang them up around the room . He looked at the colors with all the lights on , just a few lights on and with only the pod lights on . He decided that the colors he liked the best were the first two that he had picked up . Down came all the other sample cards . " We 'll pick up paint samples and see how it looks on the walls , " he said . Of course we will . Once the ceiling tiles were finished it was back to the home improvement store for paint samples . Not one color , but three colors in the same color family . He wanted the one coat paint that is has the primer mixed in . " That way it will go on in one coat . " he declared . " Why does it matter how many coats of paint Chris has to do ? " I asked . He looked at me and the light bulb went on . " Did you ever call Chris to come out and give us an estimate ? " I questioned . " What 's the right answer ? " my husband asked . He knew the right answer was yes , and he is coming out tomorrow , Friday , Saturday . Something like that . The right answer wasn 't , " Well , I thought if we take this in stages , we can get it done ourselves on the weekends . " I looked at him like he was off his rocker . " The weekends . " " We don 't have to hurry , so it will get done when it gets done . " Now , I know my husband and while he says weekends , what he really means is that we will start with the belief that this will take several weekends , but at some point , he will start wanting to get it done sooner , so his weekends will probably be one weekend with several evenings after work . So , the walls now have three different colors of paint just to make sure that the first choice really is the one we want to go with . It is . The walls have been patched , sanded , wiped down with a damp cloth to remove dust . The base boards have been cleaned in preparation for taping and all of the furniture is in the middle of the room and covered with drop cloths . Events tonight will not include a fire and a good book . Instead , it will be more taping and prep work . I am hopeful that painting will actually wait until the weekend , but I 'm sure I will hear about just doing the cut in painting one night and will just go on from there until it is done . He 's like a freight train once he gets started . My son asked how come we decided to start redoing the man cave and I may have been a little loud when I replied , " I blame it on the taxes ! " My son looked at me and said , " You 've been bamboozled by Dad . " Yes , I have and I will get him back . I just haven 't figured how yet , but I will . I will have plenty of time to plan while painting . There is a commercial that runs during the summer asking what you use your vacation days for . The ad is to encourage you to use your vacation to visit Ocean City , Maryland and its beaches ( just named one of the top 10 beaches in the US ) . Apparently I don 't use them as much as I should . Last week I actually took three days of vacation . When my husband and I requested the time off back in November , our plan was to take a two or three - day getaway . We didn 't know where and the plan was to see what the weather would be like and maybe make plans a little closer to home . Unfortunately , my husband ended up needing emergency dental surgery , so while I still took the days off , we ended up staying at home . He was on several different medications , not to mention in pain , so we just did things around the house . Of course , for my husband , pain or not , he wants to feel like he actually accomplished something while he was off . So he made a list of things that needed to be done around the house and decided that we would tackle those listed . You 'll notice the " we " in the last sentence . While my husband is all about making lists and checking things off of them , even when you are on vacation , I am not so inclined . I do not have a problem relaxing with a good book or trying my hand at crocheting . Relaxing is good . Chores , not so much . So what did my husband want to accomplish while he was on pain meds and antibiotics ? Spring cleaning of course . We started with the downstairs and moved the furniture out of the family room . Nothing like having a couch in your kitchen . First up was steam cleaning the carpets . My husband tends to go overboard with this . The carpets were still damp the next morning , so the couch stayed in the kitchen for a second day . Did I mention that we ate out a few times during all of this ? Cooking with a couch in the kitchen was a little crowded . We also started working down in the Man Cave / Media Room since the upstairs was off - limits . The previous owners had a game room set up downstairs and they smoked pipes and cigars . On a humid day , you could smell the smoke still lingering and after 3 years it was time to start removing ceiling tiles and picking out paint samples . A lot of bending and reaching and body aches happened . We were too sore to start steam cleaning the bedrooms so we gave ourselves a day of rest . Of course , that didn 't mean resting to my husband . It meant it was time to go couch shopping . That involved a lot of sitting and up and down while you tested out the couches for maximum comfort . After three stores whereI didn 't find any that I wanted , we returned home to find the family room carpets dry , so the couch finally was able to be moved out of the kitchen and I was able to steam mop the rest of the floors . Dinner time found me tired and I made the decision of ordering pizza while watching my husband cross items off his list that we had completed . I now need to put in for another vacation where I might actually do some lounging around and just relaxing . That might not happen anytime soon . Today it was picking out paint samples for the Man cave / Media room . The good news … the paint that we chose looks good on the walls and trim . The bad news … . painting is definitely in my future . Maybe I should write " relax for the weekend " on my husband 's list . We just might get to it sometime this summer .

I once saw a Talk Show where they had a celebrity on that had written her life story . I was intrigued , because I thought it would be so hard to write a book . She also said that during the writing of her book , she experienced it all over again . Writing my book , the emotions , fears , happiness , regrets and just general re - living my life have come into play . I actually feel as if I 'm vomiting words out . Really , no kidding . It 's all coming out . I am consumed with telling my story . I will be doing dishes , when , all of a sudden , a memory will come to me and I have to stop and go to my laptop and write it down . I want to tell it all . It 's not just about husband and his disease . It 's where I 've been and where I 'm going . It 's about discovering me , coping with unimaginable events in my life . It 's also about faith and , how God has been a constant in my life . It has brought out pure , raw emotions . It 's a lot to write a book . But , in order for me to grow , I have to tell my story . Husband , on the other hand , is unaware of my writings . It is not necessary to explain to him what I 'm doing . It 'll take too much time and energy to get him to understand the concept of writing a book . He is lost in his own world . He had a good day yesterday . I took him with me to a friends house . He enjoyed himself . He sat at her kitchen table and nodded his head for 2 1 / 2 hours . She would show him pictures and say , " You remember these guys ? " He would smile and nod his head . She doesn 't understand or will not accept the fact that he does not remember any of them . There was a picture of us , when we were dating . He did not recognize us . It was a good picture . We looked so happy and healthy . He sure was handsome . I made a copy of it on her copier . He stared at that picture all the way home . Said he doesn 't remember that picture . Asked me several times if that was really him or not . God has been working in his life . The day after he got to Basic , another guy had to leave . Seems his dad died . He did return about a week later . When this guy got back and they had mail call , there was a letter from his dad , the day he died . In the letter , he told his son how proud he was of him and how much he loved him . Since then , Jack and this guy have become very close . He is 28 , a bit older than Jack , but , Jack said they have bonded over the fact that his dad is now gone , and Jack 's dad is on his way . Jack said he is kind of like his mentor now . God put someone in his life when he is so far away that he can relate to . How neat is that ? I miss my boy . It 's like an ache that won 't go away . I stay busy . I have husband to care for . And I have my book to write . All in all , it was a good week . Our weather is wonderful . I saw leaves falling yesterday . Fall is here . Soon , the snow may come . Time to get ready for Winter . We have a good stock of firewood ready . Button down the hatches and brace myself for the cold . Time is going by so fast now . Husband is fading further and further away from me . One day , he too will be gone . And , I will miss him and ache for him as well . Posted by Thank you for your comments and suggestions on what to install on the front door . I am going to look into door chimes . Yesterday was quiet . I ran an errand and took husband with me . He loves to ride with me . As we were driving , he was looking all around at the city , traffic and the sky . He mentioned the weather at how pleasant it was . I got a card for Jack . I told husband it was from him and needed him to sign it . I had sent one to Jack last week , but , signed it from Mom . Husband was excited that he was to send one from him only . It was a funny card , and , together , we got out some pictures to send along with the card . We chose some cute pictures , I wrote in the card and told husband to sign it . Of course , he did not know where to sign , so I had to guide his hand to the bottom of the card . He did not know how to spell Love , so he spelled it Louve . I had to tell him how to spell You . It was simple , Love You Dad . Took him awhile , but , he did it . I had to explain to him how the US mail worked . He was amazed that I would put this in a mail box and it would magically appear to Jack . He kept saying how neat that was . Later in the afternoon , he was asking me again how Jack would get the card . Once he was satisfied that somehow , someway , Jack would get this card , he was quiet , resting on the bed and looking at the ceiling , still , with this look of wonderment on his face . I had to leave the room . " He doesn 't even understand the US mail anymore ? It 's like it was just developed recently ? He thinks it 's magic ? He thinks I 'm an Einstein , knowing how the mail system works ? " Oh yes , it brought me to my knees . I knew once Jack left , husband would go downhill . It 's like he held it together for Jack , but , once he was gone , he has stopped fighting . You can see it . This decline has been more rapid than say , the last 6 months . What am I doing with my days now that the children are gone and husband is sleeping ? Well , I am taking this blog to a new level and writing a book . I have a story to tell . It 's the story of my life , my journey , what brought me here , what I have been through , what I am going through now . This Blog will still be here . You will still get a daily glimpse of my life . But , one day , as you are passing the book isle at the store and 4th Pew on the Left is there on the shelf , you can say to yourself , " Hey , I read her Blog ! ! ! " Yesterday was better than the day before . Only because husband slept most of the day . I let him sleep . He has not been sleeping well at night anyway , figured he was tired . Husband asked me last night whatever happened to his Shop Vac when we moved . OK , let 's go back a little . When we moved into this house , husband said to leave the Shop Vac at the old place . Said he had no use for it anymore . We have no garage here , only a carport and storage . I did what he asked , told the old landlord we had left it and that was that . Last week , he asked me about the Shop Vac . He was looking through all the closets in the house and had been out to the storage in the carport . I told him we had left it at the old place , per his request . A few days later he told me , " How could you have left the Shop Vac ? I may need it one day . " So , last night , after dinner , dishes and feeding the dogs , I did the usual , changed into my PJ 's and closed the front door . Our front door is at the front of the house , along with the master bedroom . The living room is at the back part of the house . I don 't like the idea of having the front door open when I am so far away from it . Also , I have a fear of husband getting out without my knowing it and perhaps wandering away . As I was going to bed later , the front door was wide open . I was confused . I know I closed the door hours earlier . Husband woke up as I came into the room . I asked him about the front door . He said , " Oh , I was outside looking for the Shop Vac . " So , the wanderings have begun . Lovely . I knew it would eventually happen , but , like everything else that comes along with this disease , I was not ready for that . I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do about this . And , what 's scary is , I never even heard him go out . How did he leave ? Did he use the walker ? Or , worse , did he attempt to walk on his own ? I 've been in a slump the past few days . We are , I think , entering the final phase of this disease . Husband has been absolutely lost the past few days . You cannot hold a conversation with him at all . As I was talking with him yesterday , his left eye became bigger than his right . It was an awful sight . Then , the eyes started to wander . I kept talking , but , knew I had lost him . Everything I tell him he does not retain . Everything . As I was heating up dinner last night , he asked me what we were having . I told him . Went in the kitchen to check on dinner , came back into the living room and he asked me what we were having for dinner . Yesterday morning I was going to father in law 's house to give him Jack 's address . Told husband where we were going , only stopping for gas first . He became so confused in the car . Did not know where I was going , saying I was going the wrong way to his dad 's . He has forgotten that he cannot walk anymore . He tries to walk , stumbles , and , when I tell him to sit in his wheelchair , he looks at me as if I 'm crazy . He told me yesterday he can walk just fine . It 's all in my head , he said . He is in the bathroom constantly now . I think he 's afraid he 's going to have an accident , so , he sits on the toilet . Every time I went to check on him yesterday , he was in the bathroom . Also , and this may sound funny to some , but , I have noticed an increase in use of toilet paper . I put a package out in the basket in the bathroom , by next day , it 's half gone . I don 't know what he 's doing with the toilet paper , but , I cannot afford to keep buying the stuff ! ! Actually , I looked in the waste basket , and it was full of toilet paper . I asked him why there was so much toilet paper in the trash . He looked at me as if I were talking a foreign language to him . Just some of the turn of events in the last few days . He tells me that I am the one who is imagining there 's something wrong with him . He says he is perfectly normal . I just have an unusual overactive imagination . Oh , I wish it were so . When all this occurs , I am the one who has to react . I have to act like there is nothing wrong with him . I have to go along with it . Otherwise , it can get ugly around here . Somewhere over that rainbow , is peace . There is no sickness . There is no confusion . There , you can walk again . There is no Alzheimer 's . I just read a blog that I have been following for a few years . Her story is inspirational . On her blog this morning , she posted about her surprise birthday presents from her husband . He made her day so special . As I was reading her blog , I started to feel sorry for myself . How different my life is compared to hers . No , I 'm not envious , I 'm sad that my life does not include a husband who would go all out for his wife 's birthday . My husband doesn 't even remember when my birthday is anymore . He would not know how to do anything for me and my birthday . He does not remember when our wedding anniversary is . He does not know when Christmas is . He does not remember what month Thanksgiving is in . Easter ? No , we won 't go there . Husband does not know what day of the week it is , asks me constantly during the day what time it is . There are clocks throughout the house , but , he cannot read a clock anymore . In fact , he can 't read anything anymore . I can go weeks not thinking about all that we have lost . Literally , weeks . Then , something simple as reading another blog can take me on a downward spiral . I think , in the last 2 1 / 2 years , I 've said , " It 's not fair " , maybe , 3 times . Today as I sit here updating my blog , I can honestly say , " It 's not fair . " When we married so many years ago , we both thought this would be our " Happily ever - after . " We were so in love , dedicated to each other , raising a family , working hard toward our " future " . We had plans . We raised a bunch of good , well - rounded kids . Pat & Christine invited us to their house for dinner yesterday . As we were getting ready to go , the button on husband 's shorts fell off . He became agitated and flustered . I got another pair of shorts out for him , one with an elastic waistband . I went to check on him and there he was , mumbling to himself , very frustrated . He looked up at me with the most pitiful look on his face and said , " Help me . " He had put both of his legs in one of the legs on the shorts , instead of the elastic waistband . As I looked , I couldn 't help but burst out laughing . It was better than the obvious . After hearing me laugh , he too started laughing , all the while saying , " help me , help me . " I got his shorts on him , all the while still laughing . As we got ready to leave , he said , " You have to dress me everyday , please . I can 't do it anymore . " Alzheimer 's has taken another chunk of my heart . There isn 't much left , you monster . When will this nightmare end ? There are days I imagine this all to be a bad dream . I imagine I wake up , husband is already off at work , I think about this " bad dream " and shudder . Thanking God that it was all just a nightmare . So , life continues to go on . Despite the fact that my son has left for the Air Force , despite the fact I am now childless and despite the fact that my husband is dying . Life continues . Or , lack thereof , for husband . He just can 't function anymore . He is helpless . He repeats himself constantly . If we see a neighbor out and about , he will greet them with a " Boy , the weather sure has turned nice . " If said neighbor asks him a question , he will nod his head ( my interpretation of he doesn 't understand what you are saying ) and repeat what he said about he weather . People who don 't know what is wrong with him will look at him , then at me , back to husband and shy away from him . I know what they 're thinking . He talks like he 's drunk , so , they must think he 's been having a few too many . It 's so sad to watch . If I could educate people on Alzheimer 's , I would tell them first off , look at his eyes . Those eyes . I 've said it before , I 'll say it again . They haunt me . You 'll know something is wrong mentally if you really look into his eyes . I 'm trying not to get so down , but , I feel myself " going there " . If only I could find a job . I pray for a job daily . I have to go back to work . We need the money . Home Health Care will care for husband 6 hours per day , 5 days per week . I got it all figured out . All is needed at this point is a job . I am getting angry . Angry at my situation and lack of a job . Where are you , Lord ? I cry out . Has He forsaken me ? Why ? Then , I ask for forgiveness for feeling this way . I know these feelings are normal , but , I don 't like getting angry . I fight it daily when the phone doesn 't ring from a potential employer and when I see husband wandering the house , confused . I feel it welling up in my chest . I fight hard to keep it down . Then I come here and it all comes out . This is like my best friend . My heart opens up and my fingers start typing . The fears , the frustration , the anger , the heartbreak , the sheer audacity of it all , it 's here on my blog . One day , it will all be over . Husband will be gone . He will finally be at peace . He will be in Heaven . That I know . I will be left to pick up the pieces of my life . To start a new life . Alone . Today , I have a question for myself . It 's one of those days . Also , when we moved here , I thought I would have a job by now . This house is big , 3 bedrooms and 2 Bathrooms . Once winter hits , I will have to close off half of the house , to save on heating costs . It 's just so big . Now , I would rather eat hot nails than move again , but , I have to survive somehow , someway . But , the thought of saving money on rent is appealing to me as well . So , I took a drive up to one of these Apartments . They are very nice , but , I 've also heard they go by your income . And , yes , I took husband . On the way , I told him to not say anything about having dogs . That would come later . If we liked the place , rent being reasonable , and if they were a pet friendly community , then we could mention the dogs . He said he would not say anything . Got in the office , I started talking to the girl , she offered to show us the grounds and a model unit . A 1 bdrm , 1 bath unit . The grounds were so pretty and welcoming . As we stood up to view the property , husband says , " We have 2 dogs . One big and one little . " She looked at husband , then glanced at me . I had the sudden urge to spank husband right there in front of this girl . Luckily , she smiled and said they were pet friendly and pets were welcome there . We viewed the grounds and the model . It is nice , the rent is a lot cheaper there , but , then they add in $ 25 per month , per pet and $ 38 per month for water , trash and sewer . I 'm not saving much there . On the way home , I said , " I told you not to say anything about having dogs . " He looked at me as if I were the crazy one and said , " You never said that . " Next time , I shall go alone . Days seem to be flying by . The weather has turned cool and September is half over . What ? The holidays are coming up . I don 't dread them like last year . Not looking forward to them , but , let 's just get it over with . Husband continues to be in a constant state of confusion . There is a glimpse of reality , then , he slips back into his own world . I am so used to him being this way , when he does come around , it catches me off guard . He spent the day with his dad yesterday . Father in law took him out to lunch . They had a good time . Husband was in good spirits . I , on the other hand , enjoyed being alone . I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies . It felt like I could breathe again . There are days that I feel as if I 'm suffocating . From this disease , from husband . When he is gone , the very air in this house seems to lift . It may sound awful to some , but , that 's the way it is around here . I am in the process of finding myself . It 's challenging at times . I find myself arguing with myself . I find myself feeling selfish . I oftentimes feel guilty . The very idea of taking care of me is thrilling , yet , scary at times . I don 't know what it 's like to care for me . I have been taking care of children for so long , and now , husband with this deadly disease , that I forgot me along the way . I got left behind . Well , now it 's my time . Some may say I am being cold and heartless . Trust me , 2 years ago , I would 've thought the same . But , when you are faced with the impending death of your spouse , knowing there is nothing that can be done , you either crawl in a hole and die , or , save your own life . Jack called me yesterday morning . That made my day . Just to hear his voice . He sounds good . His voice sounded a little homesick , but , he is standing strong and will make it through basic training . He told me all about their day . He said several guys have left already and it 's only been a week . He has made a few friends , but , they keep them so busy , when it 's lights out , he is pretty much done for the day . And , usually when I tell him , " I love you , " he will mumble back . Not so yesterday . At the end of our conversation , he said , loud and clear , " I love you Mom . " Be still my heart . Husband was happy about Jack 's call . I made husband a special dinner and he ate a lot last night . He loves my enchiladas . I make my chili from scratch which makes them extra good . I was surprised at how much he ate . Husband has not been sleeping well . Talks a lot during the night , tosses and turns . Gets up about 3 - 4 times during the night to go to the bathroom . I think father in law is coming for him this morning . I hope so . I need a break . He wants to go get firewood and said he 'll get us some too . That means , if he does come for husband , I get a whole day to myself . If so , I can spend time by myself . Time to reflect . Time to plan my future . Without a husband or children . I know it 's time . I need to have some kind of plan . I don 't know where I 'll end up , but , one thing I know for sure is , I always land on my feet ! ! Somehow . Someway . Posted by Whatever got into my blog is gone , I hope , for good . May have been a little bug ? I had a sad day yesterday . I am missing Jack . I was hoping he would call , it being a Sunday and all . I want to hear his voice . Husband has been waking up early . Comes out and the questions begin . He sees me typing , asks me what I 'm doing , continues to ask me questions . Father in law may come get him today . I hope so . I haven 't had a break in about 2 weeks . I feel like I need to get away , but , where ? He goes with me everywhere I go , especially since Jack has been gone . The day Jack left , Tuesday , husband came out of the bedroom and asked me , " Was I a good dad to Jack ? " I broke down crying . Right in front of him . I saw pain and confusion on his face . I told him , " When a person asks that kind of question , you know you were a good dad . " Of course , he didn 't understand that , so , I had to break it down for him . He misses Jack too . Oh , if only I had a job to go to . I continue to pray for something to come along . It certainly would help me out not only financially , but , mentally as well . When I filled in at my old job 3 weeks ago , well , I felt so good , laughed even , looked forward to the day . For a week , I had that feeling . I want to have that feeling again . Church was good yesterday . At first , my heart wasn 't into it , but , as pastor started speaking , my heart opened up to the message . I 'm just blah today . It 's just another day . No place to go , not much to do . What happened ? We used to be such busy people . We were always coming and going . We were always exhausted at the end of the day . We always had plans for the weekend . The house used to be filled with the sounds of kids coming and going . I was always telling at least one child to " turn that music down . " Now ? Children are all grown up . It 's so quiet here now . I don 't like it . And husband ? Oh , well , he has Alzheimer 's . He 's going to die . He doesn 't know whether he is coming or going anymore . He can 't walk anymore . Me ? I 'm still me . At least I think so . I just want to live again . Well it looks like I have not fixed this issue after all . Please bear with me . The blog may look different as I have to post in " old school " HTML type . Husband is doing OK . He is confused most of the time . Which makes an interesting day for me . The questions he asks will sometimes throw me . We are going through a stage again where he will leave his walker in any given place . Drives . Me . Nuts . When I take it to him , he will look at it as if it 's a foreign object . Using the wheel chair in the house is harder for him . Because he doesn 't walk that much in the house , I let him use the walker . Sometimes , he forgets to use the walker , and when I remind him , he looks at me confused , then asks me where the walker is . Yesterday afternoon , as I was putting clean laundry away , the walker was left in the hallway ( again ) . Being that I had a full load to put away , I just shrugged my shoulders , put the clean clothes on the walker and sped through the house ! ! His sleeping has been rough . Which makes my sleeping rough . I wake up tired . Our weather has turned very cool . Had to break out a pair of socks . I am loving the cooler weather , with yesterday being so pleasant . I love it when you can open your windows and doors without having air condition or heater . Aired the house out yesterday . Everything smelled so fresh and clean . Church this morning , then , whatever this afternoon . The kids have been calling almost daily . I am hoping I will hear from Jack today . That would be so nice . Well , there you have it . Not much I 'm afraid . Plan on pounding the internet pavement , looking for a job , watch my husband wander the house and try to act normal . It may seem crazy to some , but , this is my life now . I didn 't ask for this , never in a million years did I ever imagine this kind of life , but , it is what it is . Making the best of a bad situation . Posted by Well , finally , I think I 've fixed the issue . At least I hope so . For some reason , I cannot name a title . I hope this will work . This has been a rough week for me . We spent the day , Tuesday , downtown at MEPS . Jack was excited to go . They were wonderful to us during the morning . We left around noon to go to the airport . There were 10 of them leaving that day . We met up with Jack at the ticket counter . Jack said the airlines told him that Mother 's could go to the gate . I just couldn 't leave husband in his wheelchair alone . So , we said our goodbye 's at security . Security was heightened because of the date . 9 / 11 . I watched my son until he was swallowed up in the sea of people at security . I brought husband home to a very quiet house . Wednesday , I did OK . Thursday , not so OK . I was just so sad , cried at everything . With each day now , I 've gotten better . I cleaned out his room Wednesday , just to keep busy . Husband has been dealing well with Jack being gone . He 's so confused most of the time , I think he forgets Jack is even gone . Husband did not do well at MEPS . You have to be buzzed in , go through a metal detector , turn in your ID and be issued a visitor badge . They talk very fast , so , I did the work for husband . Only , when they handed me mine and his badge , husband starts handing him his hat . He was so confused , he didn 't know whether he was coming or going . Frustrating for me as I was an emotional wreck anyway . Once we sat down , husband started in with the questions . There was one point that I thought I was going to lose it on him , but , of course , I didn 't . He was just so confused , and , knowing Jack was leaving I think , was bothering him as well . Have been applying for positions this week . So far , nothing . I pray I find a job . A new chapter has begun for me . I don 't know if I like it yet , but , like everything else in my life , better get used to it . My house is so quiet . Posted by The day has come . I will surrender my son to the United States Air Force at 3 : 00 PM today . He will stay in a Hotel overnight , go to processing tomorrow , and then they will shuttle him to the airport where he will fly away . I am invited to be at processing , but , will not take him to the airport . We will say our goodbye 's at processing . I will put my sick , broken husband in the car and drive home . Thus will begin a new chapter in my life . While my heart is heavy today , it is also filled with such happiness for Jack . So , so proud of him . We spent several hours at father in law 's house yesterday . Mother in law and I had the most wonderful time talking . She really is sweet . I finally got to know her . She told me after 16 years of marriage to father in law , all she has ever wanted was to be accepted by husband and I . My heart went out to her . She told me a little bit about how she met FIL , ( at work ) , what her life was like then . As I was looking at her , I felt such love for her . I told her how guilty I feel , not getting to really know her , after all these years . She looked at me and said , " We can start today . " We took pictures , laughed , shared times when Jack was a baby and toddler . MIL made homemade salsa ( was that good or what ? ) , laughed and cried . FIL beamed when he looked at Jack , his namesake . He was so funny . Every time Jack would do something or say how much he likes hot foods , FIL would say , " Oh , you got that from me . " The kids all came over and we had a blow out BBQ . Patrick did all the cooking . As each one of the kids left , there were tears . Marie being the worst . It was a beautiful day yesterday . Jack was surrounded by so much love . The day has come . My emotions are all over the place . I look at husband this morning . He is sad . He told me he was going to miss Jack . He looks confused as well . I have to tell him over and over what we are doing today and tomorrow . He gets it , then forgets it . Pat & Christine took him hiking yesterday morning . He called later and said P & C wanted to take us all out to dinner . ( A rare treat for us ! ) Oh , it was so much fun . We went to Fudruckers , We had never been there . Jack & Patrick got a full pound hamburger . Wow . It was so big . Each of them ate the whole thing . Made me a little sick to my stomach watching them eat it . I ordered for husband . He ate pretty good . Christine was concerned that I had ordered him too small of a burger , but , I explained he doesn 't eat much anymore . She looked a little sad when he had finished his small meal and announced he was very full . During the movie , husband talked through the whole thing . He cannot understand anymore what is going on , so , he started asking Patrick how work was going , talk , talk , talk . I tuned him out and concentrated on the movie . We watched one more movie , my pick . The Hunger Games . I had wanted to see it for such a long time . Of course , Pat & Christine had the movie . By then , husband was tired , so he went to bed . Today , we will not be going to church . I want to spend every minute with my son . We will be going to father in law 's house , mid morning . Father in law does not want to go to the airport on Tuesday . He said he wants to say his goodbye 's in private . This afternoon , Pat & Christine will be bringing food to BBQ . Jack 's choice : Steak & Bratz . Jack told me that he got his final 3 pics for overseas . He will either go to England , Germany or Japan . He is hoping for Japan . That is , if he is chosen to go overseas . He thinks he probably will . I had a few moments this weekend where sadness overtook me . It comes in waves . The finality of it all . The sheer excitement for this boy of mine . My emotions are all over the map . I look at Jack and am so proud of him . I look at husband and feel so sad that he truly doesn 't understand anything anymore . I know my husband is suffering . There is so much confusion around him now . His eyes dart around the room , looking for something to recognize . Even me . I took him out for a few hours yesterday . I took him grocery shopping with me . I had to . I was afraid to leave him alone . He was in better spirits than the day before . Oh , this roller coaster . Jack got his orders . He has to go to a hotel , Monday night . Tuesday morning , he goes to the MEP ( I think that 's how you spell it ) Station for his final physical , is sworn in again and off to the airport . I remember when he was born , he was so big ( almost 10 lbs ) , how they laughed that they had to go to the Pediatric unit to get bigger diapers for this child . He was the talk of the maternity ward . That baby is now a young man , ready to begin his life . How I loved raising him . He was always such a good boy . I don 't know how I 'm going to allow him to leave . I am scared of my feelings . I am trying to be strong and act happy for him . While I am happy for him , inside I 'm crying . Crying for all that he has lost . He doesn 't get to have that Father & Son talk , he doesn 't get to joke with his dad , he has no bond whatsoever with his dad anymore . He mostly ignores his dad . He 's angry . He 's also scared the he too may inherit this monster . " For I know the plans I have for you " , declares the Lord , " plans to prosper you and not harm you , plans to give you hope and a future . Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me , and I will listen to you . You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart " . Jeremiah 29 : 11 - 13 Only God knows what His plans are for me . Only God knows what my future holds . All I have to go on is His word . He will carry me through this dark time . I have faith , although , some days my faith is tested beyond my limits . I have to keep looking up , knowing He will not forsake me , however , once again , there are times I cry out , " Where are you Lord ? " I 'm human . Yesterday was not a good day for husband . He was depressed and slept all day and all night . I tried to get him up , he refused . He said his life was over , he has nothing left to live for . He cried . A deep cry , a cry that no wife should ever witness from her husband . How do you tell someone who is dying that yes , they have something to live for ? When you both know those words are meaningless ? Husband is getting farther and farther away from me . I am having a hard time reaching him now . I used to be able to talk to him and have it affect him . Now ? No affect whatsoever . He is in his own world now , the world of Alzheimer 's . It has taken total control . The heaviness in my chest is back . I watch a commercial on TV and it brings tears to my eyes . I think of my Mother and it brings tears to my eyes . I think of my children , when I gave birth to them , and it brings tears to my eyes . I think of my childhood and it brings tears to my eyes . My acting skills have to come into play now . Jack is leaving on Tuesday . There will be people over here to say goodbye to him . I will put on my " acting suit " and smile , offer coffee , coke or water ? Play hostess . Making small talk , answering their questions on how I 'm doing with a cheery , " Oh , I 'm fine , good in fact . " There will be no mention of impending death . No , no one will ask about husband . They will see for themselves when he is wheeled into the room . He looks like he is dying now . No , you don 't have to ask anymore . It 's like he carries a sign that says , " Yes , I am dying . " My prayer now is for God to take husband home . Enough is enough . He has suffered enough . Yes , enough is enough . It 's time . He has fought the good fight , a mighty fight , but , the monster has won . Time to go home . My joy will come . Husband has had trouble the last few days . Is getting quieter , it seems to me . Wants to either stare at the ceiling or sleep . When I do take him out , he tires easily . Says his legs ache or his back hurts . It 's a job taking him out . Lifting that wheelchair in and out of the car can be difficult at times , for me . He is also becoming very pale looking . He used to have this beautiful olive skin color . His skin is ashen looking now . Funny , my MIL mentioned about him looking pale last weekend , and , now , I see it . His hair is turning more gray too . And thin . His face is not what it used to be . It 's as if he 's aged 20 years in the last 2 years . His eyes no longer sparkle when he laughs ( a rare occasion ) . I was thinking yesterday . Since diagnosis , as I 've mentioned before , the " friends " we thought were friends do not come around , do not call , it 's as if we are strangers nowadays . Maybe , just maybe , it 's for the best . Looking at husband is not a pretty sight . His head bobs , his eyes are blank , his arms tremor , his legs dangle . Yes , it 's probably best if no one sees him anymore . It is painful to see him . One day , I will cook chicken . He will tell me he does not like chicken . The next day he will ask for chicken , telling me I haven 't cooked it in so long . One day he will ask me to cook something for him , then , when I cook it , he says he does not like it . Actually , just as I typed this it surprised me that I take it so lightly . I just do what he asks me to do . If he refuses to eat it , then it goes in the fridge , waiting for him to " remember " that he actually does like it . Ah , Alzheimer 's . You little devil you . You 've struck my husband down in the prime of his life , you have destroyed his mind and body , you have taken me to the depths of hell and you have tried to destroy me as well . My friend , Jackie gave me a book last month called " The Purpose Driven Life " . I had planned on finally diving into this book yesterday , however , I received two very long phone calls back to back , and could not get into it . This afternoon , after Bible Study and getting husband settled , I plan on doing just that . I may have to unplug the phone . Suddenly , I have this fire in me burning . Somewhere , deep inside of me , there is a me . I am on a quest to find the me I know I can be . The desire is there . It 's not hopeless for me . I am not a lost cause . I am important . As I was looking through the job list , I noticed a company I had applied to two times before was advertising once again . I sent my Resume again , this time telling them I don 't give up so easily . Either they 'll hire me to get me to stop emailing them , or , tell me to stop emailing them . Whatever . In all , I think I applied to six or seven places . I have done this before , never to get a response from anyone , however , that old saying , " If at first you don 't succeed , try , try again , " is what I 'm doing . Time will tell . I was putting clean laundry away yesterday . As I went into the bedroom , husband was laying on the bed , staring at the ceiling . I asked him if he was alright , he nodded his head and said , " I was thinking of the first time I ever went camping . " I sat down on the bed and he told me all about that camping trip . Every detail . When he was finished , he said , " I remember so much about my childhood . I can remember . It was a good childhood , you know ? My parents were good to me . " Fighting my tears , I put my arm around him and said , " It 's so good that you remember that . I 'm glad you remember those things , when you were a little boy . It makes me feel good to know that you know you were so loved . " I left the bedroom , the tears started . I wanted to sit on the couch and sob my heart out . But , of course , the phone rang ! ! It feels at times like I 'm a caterpillar , wrapped up in my cocoon . One day , I 'm am going to spread my wings and fly . Just you wait and see ! ! " So do not worry about tomorrow ; for tomorrow will take care of itself . Each day has enough trouble of it 's own . " Matthew 6 : 34 Posted by There has been a drastic change in him . His head bobs , " the look " of course , is there , and he shakes . A lot . I have had a hard time understanding him speak . Memory ? What memory ? I don 't know if I mentioned it here , but , a few weeks ago , I went to a Psychologist . I wanted him to tell me I was normal . Not only did he tell me I 'm normal , he also diagnosed me as clinically depressed . Ya think ? My Dr does not feel comfortable in giving me anything for this depression . I really don 't want to take anything anyways . I just want this depression go away . It 's an awful feeling . I get up in the morning and it 's like a dark cloud looming above me . When I worked last week , the depression vanished . I felt so good . This morning , I applied at several places . The fire has been lit on me . I really want to work . Actually , I have to work . No two ways about it . I cannot afford to be at home anymore . Something I realized last week . I will have to have a nurse come in daily , if I do find employment . Yeah , we 're at that point . My husband is gone , I have no partner . It 's just me now . He is just a body living in my home . I have to start thinking of me now . I have to start taking care of me now . There is nothing I can do for husband anymore . Make his days comfortable , give him his meds , feed him and wait . That 's it . I cannot do any thing more for him . There are no future plans for us anymore , as there is no more " us " . Today , I am going to start a whole new chapter in my life . My last child is leaving next week , my husband is dying , but , I 'm still alive . I 'm still here . Still kicking and fighting . But , the battle scars that will remain with me until my dying day will be deep . This ache inside of me , loosing my husband to this horrible disease ? No , I 'll never get over that one . After re - reading my post from yesterday , I sound silly . And selfish . If you 've ever been surrounded with death looming at your door , watching your husband fade away , trying to make it financially , a depression that can , at times , overwhelm you , you 've just described me to a T . I came alive last week . I smiled , a real genuine smile . I laughed . I had something to look forward to each morning as I got up . Oh , it was wonderful . Just wonderful . But , only God knows what 's best for me . I believe and fully trust in Him . Time will tell . If not , well then , it wasn 't right for me . On the home front , husband had a good week . Jack & Kristen took care of him , with Kristen doing most of the work . She made sure he ate lunch and did not sleep all day . He said he was glad I got out of the house , and looked forward to me coming home each night . I took him out for a bit yesterday . He enjoyed it . Father in law and his wife came yesterday with a big surprise . Father in law bought us a small trailer for husband 's scooter chair . All I have to do is buy a hitch for it . That was so sweet of him . We had a great visit . Lupe , ( FIL 's wife ) and I had a great time visiting . She told me at one point that husband looked too thin , was he eating enough ? She was concerned that he sleeps a lot . I explained that I make him wake up , per Dr 's orders . She said he looked pale to her . Said she was concerned about husband . I had to explain to her that no matter what I do for husband , this disease will always win . He will sleep a lot , he will lose weight . All I can do is make sure he gets the nutrition he needs and stimulate him to keep him awake for the better part of the day . She told me I was doing a good job of taking care of him , it 's just that it upsets her to see him now . Yeah , I know . As I was driving to work Monday , I was nervous . I hadn 't been there is almost 2 years . Could I actually do the job that was expected of me ? I walked in , sat down at the desk and it all came back to me . I was joking with one of my old bosses , telling him I hadn 't used my brain in 2 years , bear with me . He said , " I fully trust you . That 's why we asked you back . " By noon , on that first day , it felt like I had never left . I soared through my first day , with one glitch . Seems the girl who replaced me , ( and I trained ) , went on vacation , leaving me with a big mess to clean up with one of our biggest contractors . She didn 't complete a progressive billing to him , emailed him with an outdated spreadsheet , then left . It was up to me to find all invoices pertaining to this job , figure out what she did and didn 't do . All the while , this big time contractor was sitting at his desk in far away Arizona , waiting on me . He didn 't care if I had no knowledge of what was going on . He wanted a complete breakdown of all invoices during the month of August . I had to act as if I knew what I was doing . He was not friendly , at first . He was not pleased , at first . Finally , at 5 : 45 PM , I completed this spreadsheet and emailed it along to him . He called me personally to thank me , saying I had been so helpful to him . Whew ! ! Day two , Tuesday went as smooth as could be . My other old boss came in that day and we had a nice talk about what had happened the day before . I told her what the other girl did not do . I created a file for this contractor and left her a note on what I had done . During the week , I had found several more mistakes . In all , I left her 4 notes . Some of the other things she does is OK , but , not what I would do . I told my bosses I didn 't want to step on anyone 's toes , however , this needed to be brought to their attention as well as her 's . My boss gave me her blessings on the notes , said if she got mad , too bad . Yesterday morning , 2 of the Techs came to me and said what a wonderful week they had . They said this week had been so peaceful to them , how much they liked having me there . They said it was the best week they had had . Later , in the afternoon , those same 2 Techs told me how much they dislike the other girl . They said that no one likes her , she is very rude , hateful even towards them . They said she walks around as if she is the boss , and , when they used to say " Good morning " to her , she doesn 't respond to them at all . Now , they said , they do not speak to her at all . They also said she makes them feel uncomfortable when around her . I was shocked . When I trained her , she gave me the impression of how nice she was . She also is the one who told me about the church we now are members of . She too is a member . Although , because it is so big , I never see her . She goes to a different service . Guess looks are deceiving , huh ? On Thursday , I discovered a really big mistake we think , on her part . An almost $ 10 , 000 mistake that is . Crystal , ( my old boss ) was furious , as well as Tom , her husband and my other old boss . Crystal is going to ask her about this on Tuesday , when she comes back . Now comes a confession . I want to go back there . This whole week was such a blessing to me . I did not realize how much I missed working there , until I worked there this week . How good I felt about myself . This funk I have been in , lifted . The whole week . How at home , I felt . I don 't know where all this will lead . I only know I want to go back . Of course , she will have to lose her job . However , she is one of those who does not have to work . Her husband works at one of the labs here , making good money . She told me the only reason she works is because she likes to spend money . Now , a favor of you all . I am asking for prayer that I will get my job back . Not only will it help me out greatly financially , but mentally as well . I want to feel good again . I don 't like what I 've become . I want to be me again . I lost me . I want me back . Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me .

It 's hard to believe it 's been five years . Hard to believe it 's been that long , and hard to believe that 's all it 's been . So much of it is still as fresh in my memory as if it were a month or two ago , yet it all seems like a couple of lifetimes ago , which surely must be much longer than five years . Time is a funny thing . In any case , there I was , and here I am , and no realm of possibility allows me to imagine one without the other ; that moment inevitably brought me to this one . As someone I used to be liked to say , " Everywhere I have been has brought me to where I am . " It was one of those sorts of profound thoughts that we liked to impress ourselves with as we discovered the secrets of the power of the mysteries of the Universe . Or maybe that was just me . Back on topic , now it 's just some place that I used to go , like a neighbourhood bar long since reduced to rubble and paved over for the parking lot of a new mall . And just as I finished writing that sentence , the random YouTube mix playing in another tab sang by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down . If you were there , you know . If you weren 't , no explanation would make sense . Every Saturday night I seem to come alive for you baby . Google still freaks me out sometimes . * * * * * Anyways , at some point last week I thought I ought to write something to mark the occasion . Add a bout of insomnia , a YouTube mix and a box of , well , you know , and that above is what happened . Now that the day is here ( and the box isn 't ) , I realize , finally , that there is nothing left to write . I was supposed to have had a date . Her name was Natalie , and we were great friends . I had met her a bit under two years earlier at a screening of some obscure cult film at a repertory house . We had been great friends ever since . At the time , she was in an ambiguous relationship with some guy named Dieter or Dietrich or something like that . But she was going to come with me to Lenny 's wedding , until she didn 't . Apparently he called her from Vancouver , where he was at the time , and for some reason I don 't remember , that made her decide to not come with me to Lenny 's wedding . In any case , the wedding came and went , and when it was over , I headed downtown . Getting off the metro I noticed this attractive blonde but I lost her on the way out of the station . I saw her again a bit after , and mustering up what little bravado I had at the time , asked her if I could buy her a drink . We went to the closest bar , where I bought her a drink . During which time , it turned out that she had been kicked out of her father 's home , on account of the boyfriend she had just broken up with , and had no place to go . Naturally , I offered her mine , and there we went . She slept in my bed , I on the couch , because it was only 1984 and I hadn 't graduated from decent to opportunistic yet . 30 years later , I have no fucking recollection of the details , but I vaguely remember that something about Brenda ( the metro blonde ) had to do with Vancouver , which had to do with Natalie , which had to do with the Universe giving me signs , or at least me imagining that it did so . The significance of which those of you who have followed this blog understand . The rest of you can read up , or not . For at least the first couple of the last three decades , I imagined writing a story with this particular title , but the imagined end result was never quite like this . It was going to be much clearer , much more profound , much more meaningful in the grand scheme of things . Oh well . At least it 's done , and I don 't have to do it anymore . He remembered how the companion had been a fellow traveller in some ways , but in so many more ways a guide - a gateway to magical worlds of mystery and wonderment , and , in so many ways , to the world that was his life today . He remembered the journeys they had taken together to the refugee camps of Africa , the Commonwealth Summit in Trinidad , the wastelands of Russia , Windsor Castle , and other journeys whose stories they had told together . He also remembered the other journeys the companion had joined him on , those whose stories had not yet been told , and which he was now left to tell alone . He remembered how he had told himself that technically , the companion was not dead , but rather in a coma . And he remembered how he realized it would be wrong to attempt the surgery that might awaken the companion , not because it might fail , but because it might succeed . The companion had more than earned its eternal hibernation . . The second time , I was 26 , and it was for a sales conference when I was in the water filter business . Vegas is a great city to go to for a sales conference , but probably not the best place for a sales conference . I think I might have gone to one or two of the meetings ; the rest of my time was mostly spent trying to win money and hoping to get laid . On the first , I wasn 't successful in that I didn 't , but I was in that I didn 't go over budget trying . On the second , I came close ( pun inevitable ) a couple of times , the third time being the charm . First off , I went to one of those places that pretended to be a bar , met a lovely young lady who chatted me up quite eloquently , and was informed by the barmaid that I could share a bottle of bubbly with the young lady in a private room for a mere $ 400 , gratuities not included . I politely declined , and went on my way . Since her thumb was out and I was now stopped at the red light , I obliged in the form of a gesture that means , " Come on baby take a chance with me . " Once in the car , she informed me that she would like to go to a motel with me . To my surprise , she did not want money or refreshments of any sort , but really just wanted to go to a room and have some fun . My skepticism vanished at the next red light , when she asked , very politely , if it would be okay if she kissed me . Of course I obliged , and it was better than okay . Eventually , the nice motorist behind us informed me that the light had turned green , and we were off to the first motel that we could find . Ever - conscious of the importance of personal hygiene , I suggested that we take a bath , which we did , during which we talked . She told me her name was Lisa ( which is rare for me to remember after so many years ) , and she seemed really very nice , really very down on her luck , and really very hornier than both combined . By which I mean not just physically horny , but emotionally horny as well , if that is a thing . It must be , because I felt the same way . Thus , for the next couple of hours , we were lovers . Not just sex partners , but lovers - two lonely people who , for that little slice of Now , erased each others ' loneliness . During that brief time , the world outside that room - the world in which we were strangers who had just met - did not exist . In that room , we had always been lovers , and always would be . Eventually , it was time for me to drop off the rental car and catch my flight ( which I did just in time ) . I left her in the room , which I had paid for the day . We did not entertain the notion of me missing my flight , we did not exchange phone numbers ( I don 't even know if she had one ) , we did not pretend that we would ever see each other again . We just said " I love you " and kissed good - bye , as it always had been and always would be in the eternity that was the inside of that room . It had not been my first one - night - stand ( or one - morning - stand , as it were ) , nor would it be my last . But it was the only one during which I had been in love , and it was an experience of being in the Now unlike any that I would have for another 21 years or so . I should probably explain . It was just another Saturday night , and he was all revved up with no place to go . Well , there were actually lots of places he could have gone , and he fully intended to find the one that would lead to the ultimate act of moving on with his life . But , as it turned out , he wasn 't quite ready . As escapism goes , it was arguably less damaging in both the long and short run than the substance abuse he had been flirting with , and from which his imaginary world almost certainly saved him . As he had liked to say , the Universe gives us what we need when we are ready for it , or summat ™ . And thus , after most of a year immersed in such clichéd pseudo - philosophical wisdom and other prophecies , he was ready to get laid . The bartender hesitated a few moments , the key still in his tightly - clenched fist . He looked around the place that had been his home for the past year , and wondered if it had all been a dream . He decided , like Alice , that it had been real enough to him , and that was all that mattered . He then looked in the small mirror he held in his other hand , and he knew the face that looked back at him . He wondered where the stranger that had been there a year ago had gone to . It took him a minute to realize that the face was the same ; he simply hadn 't recognized it then . The bartender kicked the jukebox one more time , looked at the key in his now open palm , and smiled as he handed it to the barmaid . As he walked through the door into the bright sunshine , he took off the mask and turned off the light that he no longer needed . 12 I was nervous , as one might be before a first date . That it was my first first date in almost 20 years probably added to the nervousness . When she finally appeared and we shared the perfunctory hug , I was still nervous . As we walked to the car , I was still nervous . As I gave her the three different coloured roses and explained the meaning of each , I was a bit less nervous . On our second date , she told me that she always knew on the first date whether it was " yes " or " no " , but with me , she hadn 't . I asked her how it had worked out with those who had been a " yes " . We were on a date , so the question was somewhat rhetorical . By the end of our second date , she still didn 't know about me . I took that as a good thing , because I wanted to . Our third date did not go exactly as planned . We were " asked " to sit with the rabble , the squirrels went hungry , I had to call for a boost , and she defied a personal tradition . It must have answered the question for her , because we never had a fourth date ; spending the weekend together with our kids was not considered a date . I was nervous about that , too . Very nervous , for various reasons . I needn 't have been , for any of them . All in all , it was the best fourth date ever . I spent almost a year wandering around a strange town , more than a little inspired by a modern fairy tale there , fully expecting to find my treasure among the pyramids . Once or twice , I thought I might could have , and even threw caution to the wind , but no . What I did find was the path to somewhere I had not been for a very long time - my self . Only after I discovered the treasure that had been sleeping there could I follow the signs to the one waiting under the blue sycamore tree . First I had to be alone so that I could learn how to not be lonely . Then I had to be lonely so that I could want to not be alone . Now I don 't have to be either . There is a strange town , just over yonder . The boy looked back at it , wondering if this time he was really leaving . He thought back to all the times he said he was , and he knew he wasn 't . It was so much a part of him now that even if he did leave , it would always be with him . But he also knew that his lodging there had come to an end - his time there would now be as a visitor , not a sojourner . He had arrived there broken and tattered two lifetimes ago , seeking shelter and escape from the storm that had been his sorry existence . He thought of all the wonderful people he had encountered there , all the glorious adventures they had shared , all the stories not yet written . And he thought of the girl whose eyes had kept him there in the first place , when he had meant to be on his way to somewhere else . Eyes he had never even seen , but that had called to him just as powerfully as if he had ; this was something he never quite understood . Although the girl had been out of his reach even before he arrived , she had shown him that there were still things worth reaching for . In that , she had saved his life without knowing it , or perhaps she did ; either way , he could never put into words what she had done for him , nor properly express the gratitude he would always feel . He gave up trying to explain it to others long ago ; his friends just figured he wasn 't the type to hold a grudge . And then there was the lad , who he had first thought of as an arrogant little twerp . Or maybe that was him , he didn 't remember anymore . Despite what he had said , what he really didn 't like about the lad was his ability to tell him about himself - to see through the mask that had hidden him from the others . It was only when he saw what the lad had seen that he grew to appreciate the favour . He thought of some of the folks who had made his stay enjoyable . The clown whose dry wit had caused him extra laundry more than once , the awesome chick who reminded him of his own sister , the manly dude who he still intended to meet at the burger place , the faithful skipper who had stood by his side through the fiercest storms , the one there from the start whose dedication to his children had inspired him to be a better father to his own , the young romantic who he hoped had come to see the love in the eyes of her Romeo , the girl and her dog with whom he shared many a breakfast , the math nerd whose images captivated him and who was surely one of the two smartest people there , the science nerd who was nothing like the science nerds he knew at that age and who was surely the other one of the two , the widow whose poetry had so moved him for a moment until the phone rang , the young mother whose fortitude had inspired him to face his own challenges , the schoolboy who was mature beyond his years and quick as a whip with the binoculars , the schoolgirl who took such beautiful pictures , the prophet who was always sure to hide a pearl in every bucket of rocks , the classy schoolteacher with whom he had gone as far as propriety would allow , the bar wench who had seemed much younger than her age , the future historian who had been the first to honour his presence there , the novelist who had become a welcome regular at his favourite watering hole , the preacher whose droning served as the backdrop for many a night by the campfire , the crazy cat lady whose tales of sales had made him laugh so hard , the boy who was really a girl who he hoped was okay , the little lady who mistook him for a wise man ( which he quite enjoyed ) , the young couple who reminded him of another young couple so long ago , the asshole who had taught him that questions are not answered simply by asking them , the lady whose colourful balloons brought many smiles and the occasional sly grin to his face , the dragon master who helped him out of many a tight spot , theAs he started out on the path before him , he looked back one more time , and thought again of the eyes that had drawn him there , the ones he had never seen - the weird mention of which had opened his own eyes to the real ones beckoning him now , as if they had been meant as a sign waiting to show him the way . And at last , he understood . After she moved in , we fell in love , and were going to live happily ever after . Like everything we did , starting with that first night in the van , we did it hard and fast . When it was over , I sometimes wondered if it was just me , but when I heard , years later , that we had been engaged , I figured it must have been her too . Honesty , however , was not our strong point . Throughout the three years of our on - again - off - again - mostly - in - and - out romance , we both fucked around . A lot . I suppose it is poetic justice that I didn 't know how much she did until much later . She never knew I did , except for the one time I told her about . Her freakout over that ended with a visit to a hospital , where they gave her " vitamins " that was really Valium . She didn 't react well to Valium , and I never fessed up again . Then there was the abortion I paid for , not knowing , also until much later , that it had been paid for three times over ; at least I was the one who took her . And my VCR and ghetto blaster that I had to buy back from her dealer . I never did get my great - grandfather 's watch back - I hope whoever took it for a kite of snow came down with a bad case of dysentery . The winner was when she went to a private rehab in another city , at great expense to me . When I made the long drive to visit a few weeks later , I found her waiting in front of the main entrance with her suitcase . She had been kicked out for going to a motel with one of the male inmates during an unsupervised sortie . Ever the dreamer , I went to plead her case with the powers that be , to no avail , only to find that she was no longer waiting in the car when I came out . After two days of searching , I headed home . That night , the phone rang around midnight - I had to go rescue her right away . I borrowed a fuzzbuster and made the 500 - km drive in three hours flat . After a weekend of sex and drugs and rock ' n ' roll in the country , I got her into another rehab , this one a freebie . A week there and she disappeared with motel guy , who , coincidentally , was also there . They made their way back and spent two weeks living in a tent on my future wife 's rooftop , another fact I learned much later . Long story short , it didn 't work out . There was something about us that should have worked , a connection that went beyond all the bullshit we went through . There were moments when love could not possibly have been more pure , but history and psychology and addiction prevented those from being anything but few and far between in this lifetime . Even after she moved out for the last time , and was living with her new boyfriend , I still hoped that God would answer my prayers and make everything the way it was supposed to be . The way it should have been . But when prayers are answered , it is often not in the way we expect . The day I finally knew it was over was the day I hit it off with the future mother of my beautiful daughters . A mutual friend was getting married , and she asked me if I could give " D " ( one of her friends , whose words earlier in 1991 I still recalled ) a lift . Geography led me to pick D up first ; I helped her get dressed , and played KerPlunk with her daughter while she applied the finishing touches to make herself even prettier than she already was . I was seated with her , D , and a few of their friends . She got royally plastered and started hitting on the old men . At least one got an impromptu lap dance . At one point the mother of the groom , whom I had never met , came up to me and asked , in her heavy east European accent , " You are - - ? " I said I was . " Carol is yours ? " The last time I saw her was on my 30th birthday , in passing . I later heard that she moved out to the west coast , where she was never heard from again . D thinks that she ended up on Pickton 's farm . She 's not on any of the lists , but nobody will ever know how many aren 't . I prefer to think that she finally cast out her demons and is living happily ever after somewhere . He thought back to that first blue tree . The one that had sprung up , seemingly out of nowhere - he is still not quite sure who planted it . It was just there , and he was happy to make himself comfortable beneath it . He had liked that tree , had quite enjoyed sitting beneath its branches on a quiet spring afternoon , the shade it provided still allowing the warmth of the sun to envelop him . He remembered the day he cut it down . It had pained him to do so , but he knew he had no choice . The fruit had gone sour , perhaps because he had watered it too much . He placed a flower where it had stood , to remind him of that spring afternoon . As if he could forget . After that , it was a long time before he sat under another blue tree . He was careful not to plant any unintentionally , but one would pop up from time to time . These were more like bushes - there was hardly any room to sit under them , and they would never last very long . He never seemed to miss these very much when they were gone . In the autumn , as the leaves fell and the sky grew cold , he planted a new tree . For a little while , he spent much time under it , sometimes with a bottle of red , often sitting there into the wee hours of the night . At times it was bright and full of foliage , bringing much joy and laughter , and at others it drooped sadly , seeming to need his tender skills as a gardener . He began to think that this tree might someday bear sweet fruit , that he might someday climb its trunk and perch in its branches . But it was not to be . One day in early winter , a cold wind blew over from the remnants of that very first blue tree , and seemed to leave a stain on its branches . Leaves grew over the stain to hide it , but he knew it was there . The few times he sat under the tree after that , it was never quite the same as it had been . The tree still stands , but he no longer wonders when he will sit under it again . There were other blue trees that appeared in the grove that winter . One gave him some moments of mirth and merriment , which he enjoyed while knowing that it was simply a nice spot to pass the time . Another was one he had visited briefly in his earlier days , and his visits now were just as brief , although quite pleasant . One blue tree in particular gave him a place to ponder and reflect , and he gained much insight while sitting under it . He felt a special connection to this tree ; not a chemistry like that he had felt with the autumn tree , but more of an alchemistry , something that grew from the depths of understanding . He had a sense that this tree might remain a welcome part of the grove for a long time to come . One day , he happened across an Old Friend , and they got to talking about trees and other things . The friend claimed to have some magical seeds , of which he was quite skeptical . The two agreed to test the seeds , just to see what might come of it . They scattered the seeds in a different grove than the one he was familiar with , and they watched to see if something might grow whose fruit they could share . It did not , and he somehow knew that they were not to sit under a blue tree together . Some bushes had sprung up among many weeds , and just as he was on his way to clearing the grove of these , something caught his eyes . It was a sapling , a tiny blue tree barely poking out of the snow , but something strangely familiar about it told him he ought to water it . There must have been magic in that water , because that little sapling started to grow , faster and stronger than anything he had seen before . There were times he would stand back in awe of its growth . He spent every possible moment under it , basking in its radiance ; the more he basked , the brighter the tree radiated . When he was away from the tree , he found himself tending to his affairs more diligently than he had been doing , as though he wanted no pressing concerns to interfere with his time under the tree . Music was played in the tree , and soon after , there were voices - something that had never before come forth from a tree for him . It was the second time he heard those voices that somehow , he knew . It was time . Time for him to reach for the fruit of a blue tree while standing on solid ground . Time to come out of the blue , and into the here and now . His world was about to change forever , he hoped with all his heart . So after breakfast at the diner , I drove her to where she was staying at the time . No plans were made to see each other again , no phone numbers were exchanged . That , it seemed , was the end of that . The following weekend , I got stood up for a romantic adventure , but that story has already been told . . . The Friday after that , I was in her area , and on a whim , stopped by where I had dropped her off . Nobody was home , so I left a note on the door with my phone number . By the time I got home an hour later , she had left a message . I called back , she asked what I was doing . I said I was getting ready to leave for a weekend in the country . I don 't remember if I invited or she asked , but another hour later , I was back at her door to pick her up . The next two days were a blur . There was some vodka left over from my catharsis of the previous weekend , she brought some hash , I brought some grass , and we picked up some beer and wine . I know we did a lot of something other than get drunk and high , but the details are not as clear as those of the night in the van . The bartender polished the last of the glasses and slid it into the rack . The jukebox was playing James Carr , which seemed to please the young lady who had asked him to give it a kick . He didn 't remember her having been to the bar before , but he did recognize her from a poetry competition he had attended in town earlier . She sat in relative silence , occasionally getting up to pick a tune , then returning to her seat in the shadows . A few of the regulars dropped in and out for some banter and music , and the bartender filled the intervening silence with his own picks . Some of them brought a smile to her face , others seemed to evoke a bittersweet tear . When she asked him how he picked the perfect song for every moment , he said it was just luck of the draw . She came in almost every night after that , always sitting at the same table . One of those evenings , a stranger who would not remain one wandered in and pulled up a seat beside the juke . As they took turns dropping the quarters , the bartender appreciated the newcomer 's own luck of the draw . The young lady enjoyed the attention from these duelling d . j . s , and the three of them had a most pleasant time together . One evening when they seemed to be alone there , the bartender noticed that she looked particularly sad , and ventured to ask what was on her mind . She told him of her lover , and how she sometimes doubted his love for her . She showed the bartender a picture of him , one that she kept posted on her bulletin board , and the bartender asked if she had taken the picture . She had . The bartender pointed at how her lover was looking at the camera she had been holding - how he was looking at her - and said she had no need to doubt this man 's love for her . Perhaps , the bartender thought aloud , he was not as skilled at romance as she would sometimes like , but she should not confuse that with any lack of love . He was young , he would learn . They talked long into the night , and said their goodbyes as the sun came up . After that , she dropped in less often , and the bartender hoped this was because she was spending the time with her lover . Her visits became more infrequent , and eventually , she stopped coming by at all . I could hardly believe my luck . It was a long shot , but what else did I have to do at two in the morning ? It must have been the largest block in the city , what with the colleges and the hospital and the pharmacy that used to be a museum , further complicated by the maze of one - way streets . Yet there she was , her thumb still out , right where I had passed her the first time around , when the bus had prevented me from pulling over . I knew she wasn 't a hooker - it was the wrong place , and she wasn 't dressed for it . Had I thought she was , I would have saved myself the trip around the block . She was going my way , and asked if I wanted to party . How could I not ? She wanted to stop at the friend 's she had been on her way to see , to pick up some hash and some beer . I was fine with that . Our route took us down my street , so we ditched the Civic and continued in my extended length 1975 Dodge Tradesman , red inside and out , wall - to - wall and floor - to - ceiling carpeting , captain 's seats , and a double bed , complete with privacy curtains . You couldn 't ask for a better van to deliver garbage bags with . My grandmother / business partner had called it a whorehouse on wheels , but that 's another story . As her directions brought us to her friend 's apartment building , I realized why she looked familiar . " Hey , is your friend Gerry ? " " Yeah , " she said , " you 're the guy who gave him the couch , aren 't you ? " Small world . I hadn 't recognized her at first without the page - boy haircut and bobby - socks . The janitor 's niece had mentioned that Gerry 's friend thought I was cute , but she had been a little too excited about the couch , and I had thought I wasn 't ready for another crazy chick just yet . Silly me . She got some hash and half a two - four , and we headed off into the night . We ended up in the parking lot of a large urban park . She rolled a joint , and we smoked it as we cracked our first beers over small talk , our captain 's seats turned to face each other . I appreciated that the designers had thought to put the engine cover that served as a cup and snack holder far enough ahead of the seats so as not to intrude . The small talk turned into a small kiss , which turned into a big kiss , which became quite passionate , which led to me picking her up and carrying her to the bed in the back , the kiss uninterrupted . I forgot all about the privacy curtains . Perhaps envious of our lips and tongues , our hands decided to get in on the action , which must have upset our clothes , because they left us rather hurriedly . Our kiss was interrupted only long enough for her to push me onto my back rather vigorously , but not nearly as vigorously as what came next . I wondered at one point if she thought I was a mechanical bull , but that thought was interrupted by wondering if my lip might be bleeding . I had never been with a biter before , and until then didn 't know that I had wanted to be . I also found out that it hurts when it bends , but it 's a good hurt . Some time and another joint and a couple of beers later , it was her turn to face the ceiling . What seemed like a blissful eternity later , I had just enough energy left to rip the open curtain from its track and throw it over us as a blanket before we passed out . At some point , I had a strange sensation of the presence of light , opened my eyes to see the flashlight shining through the windshield , and remained still until it went away . As I watched the car drive off from the back window , I wondered why some people thought all cops were assholes , and fell back asleep . Over breakfast at a nearby diner in the morning , she told me that we would probably never see each other again . I asked why not , and she said , " That 's just the way these things usually go . " I said that if we wanted to see each other again , we would . I probably should have gone with what she said . He had done well in the playground . Afraid of it for the longest time , one day he mustered up his courage , left the classrooms , and ventured cautiously outside . He had a rough time of it at first , trying ( rather awkwardly ) to play with the big kids , and getting into his share of scraps before finding his place there . One of those scraps had been particularly brutal at the time . He knew that it was at least partially his fault , but he thought that the beating was a bit too much - he came close to dropping out of school altogether because of it . Instead , he stuck it out and licked his wounds , and came to realize that what doesn 't kill you really does make you stronger . After that , he had a lot of fun in the schoolyard , and became one of the big kids himself . He often marvelled at how much he had learned there , and how well much of it served him at home . He made some friends , passing notes away from the other kids , and sometimes even hopped the fence with them to sit and chat under the blue spruce tree that stood in front of the schoolhouse itself . Not so very long after that , he was sitting under the blue spruce when he noticed a ruckus in the playground . He headed back across the fence to find that some kid just passing through had dug up an old spool with footage of a particular scene from that earlier fight , and some of the newer kids had gathered round to watch . One even made a valiant effort to defend him , thinking perhaps that the fight was ongoing . He took the opportunity not only to point out that the brawl was long over , but also to finally thank his former nemeses for the lessons it had taught him and the strength that it had given him . Just as one of the other big kids mentioned that all 's well that ends well , he noticed that the part of the blue spruce that he had been sitting under lately had seemed to wilt a bit , perhaps from the stale air that had escaped the tin that held the spool . He did his best to clear the air , but worried that the damage might already have been done . He looked at the schoolhouse and realized that he missed its classrooms , missed the tutoring he used to do there , even missed the notion that he might one day be a teacher . He sat quietly in the corner of the playground for a little while , then got up and walked into the building . He did his best to help some kids with their questions - he was more than a bit rusty , and hoped his answers would be helpful . After a bit of this , he went to get some air on the front steps . He looked over at the tree and saw that his worry had been misplaced - it seemed different somehow , but was fine . He saw that the part that he had thought was wilting had simply spread its branches in the opposite direction , away from the playground . After I left that morning , it wasn 't the same between us . We may have both realized that we might not show such restraint the next time , so we avoided a next time . Not because we didn 't want there to be , but because it would have been wrong . At least that 's what I led myself to believe . As it was a trial separation , it was my understanding that our marriage vows were still in play , although I probably should have confirmed that my wife had the same understanding . But that 's another story . For me , a physical relationship with someone else was simply out of the question . The only thing that stood between us , it seemed , was my marriage . As a real friend , she encouraged me to work things out with my wife , which I did at the time . When I reconciled , I ended almost all contact with her , not because it was demanded of me but because I knew I had to if my marriage was to survive . I would regret that now , except that I can walk away from my marriage knowing that she had nothing to do with its failure . We never had sex , never even touched , other than that one time on the subway . So why do I think that I may have had an affair ? Having heard much of other people 's affairs , I have come to realize that the only real difference between us and them was the absence of physical intimacy . We even said that we loved each other , although not with any romantic connotation , and we made sure that it sounded to be in jest . We did not give each other our bodies , but we gave each other every other part of ourselves that lovers do , even as we never thought of ourselves as lovers . We shared our minds , our hearts , even our souls . We " what iffed " about what might have happened under different circumstances . In every way other than sexual , it was very much like an affair . In Jimmy Carter 's conception of things , I committed adultery in my heart . The real reason was my lifelong companion , fear . I was afraid of rejection , despite having already admitted our mutual attraction . Because I am an equal opportunity coward , I was afraid of the intimacy , emotional as well as physical , that it might have led to had I not been rejected . I was afraid that I wouldn 't live up to her expectations , or she to mine . I was afraid that it might not be perfect , or forever . In short , I was afraid of all the usual things that some people are afraid of when circumstances do not stand in their way . I was afraid of everything other than the one thing that I convinced myself was the reason I didn 't walk up those stairs . If not for all that fear , I wouldn 't have walked down those stairs in the first place . He woke up in a daze . His surroundings seemed both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time . He wasn 't quite sure whether he was here or there , what was real and what was not . Until then , he had always been able to separate the two , even when there was some overlap . Now , the bridge that he walked seemed more like a balance beam , on its way to becoming a tightrope . He didn 't know if he was more afraid of falling off or staying on . And if he were to fall off , which side he was more afraid of falling into . He had not expected this , not even a little . In fact , he hadn 't been so thrown for a loop since he first started walking that bridge , so long ago . Despite appearances , he generally knew where he was , the impression of omnipresence entirely by design . It was not that he had any specific plan - he knew better than that - but he did have a general direction in mind . He had very recently been reminded , quite serendipitously , that there was a time he was indeed looking for answers to questions that didn 't need any . Then , there had been an answer that now seemed almost prophetic ; considering the source , this did not surprise him at all . The apparent randomness of the reminder made him wonder if the universe was going out of its way to prove the point . He knew that things would unfold as they should , and that the best he could do is enjoy the unfolding . As far as he had come in this respect , he was having trouble with it now . As much as wanted to just be wherever this was , at least some part of him wanted to believe that it would bring him somewhere else some day . But he knew that 's not how it works . As he considered these things , he realized that his confusion was just part of where he was , something to be experienced , not overcome . It would find its own way to where it should bring him ; all he had to do was try to keep up while remaining true to himself . As much as this scared him , and as much as part of him still wanted answers and reassurances to magically appear , he accepted where he was and welcomed the next leg of his journey with open arms . I was separated from my wife at the time . She was a friend of a friend of my wife . At one point , she had been a friend of my wife , but they had a falling out . I don 't know why . We had become friends , in a casual sort of way . We just kind of clicked , as people , not as a man and a woman . At least not that we would acknowledge to each other . We had many common interests , a similar life view , whatever that is , and a sense of camaraderie . A couple of months into my year - long separation , a singer was coming to town that we both liked . I bought tickets . I asked my wife if she would mind if I went with her . My wife didn 't mind . I asked her if she wanted to go . She asked me if my wife would mind . I said she wouldn 't . He didn 't sing my favourite song of his because he never sings anything from his first album . Other than that , the show was magical . Over the next several months , we went to two other shows together , also with my wife 's " permission . " They were also magical . For one of them , we took the subway . On the ride back to where I had parked my car , our bare arms brushed against each other for a second or two . It felt like nothing I had ever felt before , or since . That was the only time we ever actually touched during that time . During this time , the time of my separation , we talked . A lot . A real lot . We would spend hours on the phone , so much that we both upped our long - distance plans , after those first devastating bills . We talked about anything and everything . We acknowledged our attraction to each other . We discussed life , music , politics , children , relationships . You name it , we talked about it . We fell asleep on the phone together at least once , maybe more . Once , when I dropped her off after the last of those shows , she invited me in for coffee before my long drive home . We had coffee , we smoked cigarettes , and we talked . A lot . A real lot . At some point I said I should go . She stood at the top of the stairs as I walked down them , where I stopped at the door to outside , and turned towards her to say goodbye . Then we talked . A lot . . . That whole time , that night , I wanted to walk up those stairs . I wanted our skin to touch again . I wanted to hug her . I wanted to kiss her . I didn 't do any of those things . Some time after we noticed that the sun had come up , we said our goodbyes from our respective ends of the stairwell , and I opened the door to outside and left . Sometimes he wondered if he would ever get there . With each step , he knew that he must be getting closer , but it always seemed just out of reach . It looked like he was getting closer , but it didn 't feel like it , as though it were all an illusion . Maybe it was . Each morning he would wake up thinking , " Today . It will be today . " Each night he would go to bed thinking , " Tomorrow . It will be tomorrow . " Each day the line got thinner , to the point of being almost invisible , but it was still there . It seemed like no matter what he did , not matter how hard he tried , it didn 't make a difference . Like running on a treadmill , going as fast as he could without getting anywhere . Then it occurred to him that maybe he was trying too hard , that he was too desperate . He had always believed that the universe in which he lived gave back what was put into it , but now he thought he might have misunderstood that at least a bit . That it wasn 't simply a numbers game , a question of put more in , get more back . He came to realize that in doing only for the promise of reward , he was denying himself that very reward . That the doing had no value , because he did not value it other than for what it could achieve . He understood now that he had been so focused on the destination that the journey had become meaningless . His newfound understanding in hand , he let go of the " goal . " He just put it out of his mind and went about his business , doing for the sake of doing , being for the enjoyment of being . He embarked upon the journey , and found that it was it 's own reward . It 's her fault , that vodka and coke is my drink . I had always been a rum and coke kinda guy , Captain Morgan and all that , until I asked her what she was drinking . Vodka and coke ? I never heard of that . Try it , she said . So I did . That 's when I learned that vodka goes with just about anything , but not rum . I might have gotten drunker that night than any other in my life . And why not ? After all , it was an Irish wedding . My cousin 's wedding . Her cousin 's wedding . Our cousin 's wedding . In case I might have forgotten , my grandmother 's nurse was kind enough to remind me : " You know she 's your cousin , right ? " I didn 't much care . Or wouldn 't have cared , had there been a reason not to . We danced . I don 't dance , but we danced . We drank . We sat together on the bus back to Middleton . I think we may have fallen asleep . I don 't remember how or why , but I didn 't go back to the hotel . I went to her father 's house . I think I might have prayed to the porcelain god - that would have been the rum and the vodka fighting it out . We fell asleep on the sofa . I don 't know why , but I 'm sure it was a sofa , not a couch , even though I still don 't know the difference . In any case we fell asleep on it , and woke up on it . All I remember of that is how peaceful it felt , how right , falling asleep like that , waking up to find our arms wrapped around each other , so close and yet so far . There was nothing even remotely sexual , or even romantic , about any of it . It just felt good to be beside her . God she was beautiful . And so sad , it seemed . I knew she was married . I knew she wasn 't happy . I knew that her husband , I think his name was John , was an asshole . That 's what everybody said , anyways . I wondered why he wasn 't there with her , at her cousin 's wedding , at her father 's house . She had said he had to work , but the looks on the faces of the others when she said that told me it wasn 't so . So what of it ? I met a distant cousin , we seemed to hit it off in some sort of way , we had a really nice evening enjoying each other 's company . We traded addresses and promised to keep in touch . And we did , for a short while . She wrote , I wrote back , she wrote back , I didn 't . Her last letter scared me , so I put it off , meaning to write , but never did . I just didn 't know how to deal with the awkwardness of it . All these years later , I know there was something there , some unspoken connection between us . When two people meet and just take to each other , like that old cliché about how it feels like you 've known each other forever , there is something there . At the very least , a friendship that could have been lasting and true . Maybe more , maybe not . I 'll never know . They were as sorry a ragtag bunch as ever tried to rule the World . They seemed to know that they were doomed to failure from the start , but they didn 't care . They were in it for the fun , and they had much of it . Mostly descended from Islanders , they answered the Alpha 's query and set to properly assigning themselves rank and title . By general consensus , the Horseman became the leader , but there was some confusion as to who was second - in - command , and nobody seemed to care much . Hopped up on amphetamines thanks to the Dealer , their plan of attack was distracted by the arrival of lunch . Not wanting to take over the World on an empty stomach , they ate and drank and forgot why they were there in the first place . The men among them sought after amorous diversion , some of the women among them became men so as to join in , and at least one of the men among them became woman for no apparent reason . The Hermaphrodite wasn 't sure which way to turn , but did so several times anyways . Eventually , they had it all sorted out and awoke from their slumber , only to find that their leader had left them for the dubious pleasure of feline company . By this time , the World had caught wind of their plans , or at least their intent ; they were still a long way off from having any actual plans . The World thought to put an end to their enterprise , then decided otherwise , confident that they would hang themselves , given enough thread . After a breakfast of haggis and frites , they noticed the remains of the veela they had ravished and devoured the night before , and wondered if that should be thought of as cannibalism . After a brief discussion they decided not , finished up the leftovers for lunch , and wondered what they would have for supper , during which discussion the Eggman was chastised for referring to the veela as french fries . The Cyclops pointed out that indeed , the lovely ladies had been grilled , not so much for taste as to avoid trans - fat . The Cowboy wandered off , muttering something about having been invited to play golf with a nice but manly - looking Baroness in a plaid skirt , while the Princess inspired the others with her awesomeness . This sort of thing went on for what seemed like quite some time , and while weapons were designed and tested , no advance was made upon the World , and recruitment efforts failed miserably . A few others , among them the Jester , the Referee , the Venerable , the Queen , the Harpie , and the other Giraffe , dropped by out of curiosity , but none were impressed enough to join in . I looked at the pieces of the smashed camera on the sidewalk . As shocked as I was that I had done that , I was more afraid of what I might do next . I wondered how fast I would have to go to be able to drive off a pier into the river , like in the movies . I wondered if there was even a pier in the area where I could do that . So I got into my car and drove . I didn 't know where I was going until I got there . I didn 't even know that I knew exactly where it was until I saw the sign . I pulled into the parking lot and walked to the main entrance . I was still wearing the camera strap . I told the lady at the front desk that I thought I was going crazy and might do something crazy , and could I stay here for now ? She asked for my health insurance card , which she put into the little machine with a form that I had to sign on the bottom . A few minutes later , I was sharing my angst with a nurse , who then brought me to my room , where I was to just try to relax and wait for a doctor to see me . I didn 't wait very long , and after a short interview , the doctor instructed the nurse to give me two little green pills . I slept very well that night . Not long after I awoke , I was ushered to breakfast in the dining hall . I was a bit taken aback by this - I had never been in a hospital where you didn 't eat in your room , and I really wasn 't in a mood to be around a lot of people . That turned out not to be a problem at all . The first sign was the way they shuffled to their seats without any indication that they were aware of the presence of others . The second was that their eyeballs didn 't move . The clincher was the green slop . When my bowl was put in front of me , I eyed it suspiciously , not quite sure for a minute if I was supposed to eat it or wait for someone to bring newspaper for a papier - mâché project . I looked around and saw the others methodically dipping their plastic spoons into the bowl and depositing the substance in their mouths . I dipped my own spoon and slowly brought it to my face . It had no smell at all ; I wasn 't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing , so I cautiously put the tip of the spoon to my mouth . I had never known that tastelessness could taste so bad . I was rather hungry , so I tried my best to eat it , but two spoonfuls was all I could take . When I looked up to see that many of the others had finished their bowl and were lining up for seconds , as lifelessly as they had earlier walked in , that 's when I knew for sure . A little while after I got back to my room , a nurse came in to escort me to a room where I was to wait for a doctor . When he came in , I was surprised to see that it was the same doctor I had seen elsewhere several years earlier , when he had told me that he could give me something that would work much better after I had taken a bottle of Anacin . He didn 't recognize me , and I didn 't mention our earlier meeting . He asked me how I was feeling , and why I had come there the previous evening , and I told him about the girl and my father 's camera and my thoughts about driving into the river and my seemingly unintentional itinerary that brought me to the hospital . After we chatted a bit , he looked at his watch and asked me if I would rather sign myself in until I was better , or leave . I thought of my breakfast companions , and imagined seeing them again at lunch . ( Continued from Lady In Red ) Twenty minutes passed before I realized that she wasn 't coming back , that she hadn 't gone to the bathroom at all . Torn between the concert I had been looking forward to and the woman I thought I was in love with , I left . I was not at all surprised when I found her at the bar . She was not at all surprised to see me , as though she had left just to make sure I would follow . It was a week or two later that the cop told me I should go home and forget about her . That I seemed like a bright young man who could do better . That she was nothing but trouble , had been for a while , and so was he . Her ex - boyfriend , that is . Or more accurately , her other boyfriend . When they finally found her hiding in a dresser drawer ( no shit ) , he grabbed a steak knife and started cutting across his forearm . " Rodney , " the cop said , " you 're doing it wrong . You need to cut here , like this . " To my dismay , Rodney dropped the knife . Fool that I was back then , another couple of weeks later and we were staying up in the country while I drove into the city to work every day . It was at least a week and a half before I found out that another one of her admirers , a moron named Eric , had been sleeping in a shed and visiting her at the house while I was gone during the day . Bigger moron that I was , I gave him money for the bus and told him to get lost , only to be genuinely surprised that he was still there the next day . This time , I bought the ticket myself and watched him get on the bus . The great flood ended my daily commute , and with it our stay in the country . When we got back to the city , she went off on her merry way , and I didn 't see her again until she showed up at my apartment with Eric and a guy named Vic , whose intent was to rob me , which he did . I remember asking as he drove me to the bank machine , with a bunch of my stuff in the trunk of the stolen car , if he was going to kill me . I don 't remember his answer , but I do remember finding myself surprised at how calmly I had asked . Needless to say , he didn 't kill me . Despite his warnings , I did report the crime , and didn 't hear from her for another couple of weeks , when she called to say how sorry she was about what had happened . I told her to come over and we would talk about it . When she arrived , my roommate said he had to go to the store , and called the police from a neighbour 's , as planned . I have never seen such sad eyes as the ones she looked at me with when they put the handcuffs on her . She had not expected this betrayal . Of course I felt bad about the whole thing , sure that she hadn 't known that Vic was going to rob me . So when the judge at the bail hearing read the usual condition about not communicating with the victim , I asked if that were really necessary . I was posting her bail , after all . At trial , she said that she didn 't know that Vic was going to rob me until he did , and then was too scared to do anything other than go along with it . My testimony did not disprove this , and she was given the benefit of reasonable doubt . I left immediately upon hearing the verdict - I had just enough time to run to a nearby store to buy a modest bottle of bubbly and get back to the courthouse to offer it to her and her mother on their way out of the building . Another couple of weeks later and she stood me up on what was supposed to be a romantic weekend in the country for her birthday . So I went up alone and smoked and drank and smoked some more and spun some vinyl and screamed at my ancestors until I passed out . I woke up with a wicked hangover and a cannabis fog , but something was missing . That uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that had been so familiar to me was gone . I wasn 't worried about where she might be , wasn 't concerned about who she might be doing , didn 't seem to care about her any more at all . Several months later , she called me out of the blue , and we had that weekend . It wasn 't quite romantic ; I felt no emotion towards her beyond physical attraction , and there was enough of that on both our parts not to care about anything else . A gentleman never tells , but she was no lady , and I 'm okay with saying that we went at it like rabbits for two days until we could barely walk , and then we went at it some more . I never saw her again after that , nor ever wanted to . That weekend alone would have made all the other crap worthwhile if the cat hadn 't already done that . He had never really gotten involved in the affairs of the town . Like Arthur Dent , he was the sort who minded his own business , and left others to mind theirs . In this equation , the town was part of " theirs . " Until the town decided how his garden should be displayed . Then it became his business . At first , he wasn 't quite sure what was going on . He thought he might have made an error somewhere , maybe checked the wrong box on a form , and the whole thing was a misunderstanding . He headed out for the repair shops , and happened upon a crowd gathering at City Hall . It seemed that he had made no mistake ; a new ordnance had been issued , and a number of other gardeners were in a similar situation . The crowd demanded that the invisible overlords repeal the ordnance . They circulated petitions . They wrote letters of protest . They demanded answers . They threatened to leave and grow their gardens elsewhere . They ranted and raged . At first , the rent - a - cops that were generally the only visible sign of authority at City Hall didn 't know exactly what was going on . They had known about the ordnance , but hadn 't expected it to cause some of the problems it did . It became clear that the invisible overlords had made a few mistakes in the drafting of it . The invisible overlords sent out a couple of emissaries to circulate among the crowd and gather information about these particular problems , something almost unheard of at the time . Eventually , they amended the ordnance to remove the severest of the new restrictions , but said nothing about the rest . His own immediate problems had been resolved , but by then he was already drawn into the fray . While others left to tend to their own affairs , he stayed with the crowd to protest what he still thought was an injustice , even though it no longer affected him directly . He explained his continued involvement with the old maxim about them having first come for the communists and there eventually being no one left to speak up . He realized that rules concerning the display of gardens was a long way off from the situation that inspired Niemöller 's words , but it was a matter of principle . The most glaring of injustices having been dealt with and the emissaries having left , the rent - a - cops took a marked turn in their dealings with the crowd . Their initial sympathy disappeared , replaced with a hard - line justification of the ordnance . They spoke of limited resources , criticized greed among the gardeners , and made it clear that the ordnance was here to stay . They implied rather than stated that this was the final decision of the invisible overlords , who remained as silent as they were invisible . The rent - a - cops openly invited those who were still upset to uproot their gardens and replant them elsewhere , and many did . His own fervour had subsided somewhat . Early on , he had left the crowd for a brief period to take a look around the exterior of the fortress that was City Hall . He had come across what appeared to be a back door , and rang the bell . Eventually someone answered , apparently having been awakened from a deep slumber . They knew nothing about the situation or the crowd that was protesting in front of the building ; in fact , they knew very little about gardens beyond the fact of their existence . Nevertheless , they expressed polite interest in his concerns , and promised to pass them on . After another long wait , someone else appeared at the door . This person seemed to be somewhat less somnolent , but almost equally ignorant about issues relating to the display of gardens . They asked him to write a summary that they could pass on to the invisible overlords , which he promised to do . He wandered into the repair district and helped a few gardeners with some unrelated problems . He strolled through the school district , where he popped into some classes to share some of what he had learned about gardening . He found that he quite enjoyed this , and began to forget all about the ordnance ; by this time he had stopped screaming about it and had started to advise other gardeners on how to live with it . One evening after making the rounds of several classes , he felt a bit tired and thought that a strong coffee would perk him up , and maybe he would get to that report that he was supposed to have written . He headed toward the café district , where he met up with a few other souls wandering around aimlessly . It was a quiet evening during which the coffee that was being offered for consumption was not particularly full - bodied or flavourful . He began to wonder what he was doing there , and thought that others might be asking themselves the same question . He picked a spot at which he could present this query to passersby . To his surprise , people started to drop in to chat with him . Few actually answered his question , but the conversation was engaging enough for him to stay . " You , come here , " she said . What else could I do ? I went . She grabbed me and kissed me . I kissed back . She told me to get in the cab . I did . On the way , her mother asked what I was doing there . I said , " She told me to get in . " Her mother asked , " Do you always do what people tell you ? " I answered , " When they look like her . " I paid for the cab . We slept on the floor . There may have been other people around - I was too drunk to notice . At some point I woke up to hear her coughing . She went to the bathroom and came back without her nylons on . When she lay back down , she pulled me on top of her . It was not spectacular , but it was nice . And quiet . If there were others around , they either didn 't notice or pretended not to . The next day , she told me about her boyfriend . We were in a bed then , she was naked , I was not . She wanted me to be . I didn 't . I was afraid of her boyfriend showing up . This was before I knew she was telling people that I was her boyfriend . Apparently she had a few boyfriends . Then there was the car chase . She had been at the bar , drunk and stoned , and left in a cab . Some girl that said she was her friend thought that we should follow her , so we did . In those days , I usually did what girls I didn 't know told me to do . There should have been an accident . I still don 't know how there wasn 't . There was a car directly in front of us , then it was directly behind us . If I went around it , I didn 't remember . Eventually , we lost the cab , and I drove the other girl back to the bar . Apparently she was a lesbian . I bought tickets to a concert . We were to go together . Her grandmother was to buy her a dress for it . I couldn 't stop thinking about how beautiful my lady in red would be , how we would kiss while he sang that song . I was in seventh heaven on my way to pick her up ; it was going to be a magically romantic evening . I should have known better when I got there . The dress was green . The prisoner was brought to the town square . The judge read the charges , rendered the verdict , announced the sentence , and retired for the night . The prisoner stared at the small crowd that had gathered . The crowd stared back . The assassin approached the pile of stones that had been left there for the occasion , picked one up , and hurled it towards the prisoner . It missed . One of the townsfolk asked whether there should be some sort of appeal . The prisoner said none was needed . The assassin hurled another stone , and missed again . The prisoner whistled . The crowd got bored and left . The prisoner fell asleep . When he awoke , he was alone in the town square , so he left to join his friends at the bar . You sonofabitch . Do you have any idea how many times I 've said " I wish you could have met my father ? " I 've said it to friends , girlfriends , my wife , my girls - your granddaughters that you didn 't bother to stick around for . To the others , who knew you only briefly , I 've said , " I wish you could have got to know him better . " What was so interesting in that bottle that it was more important than being Grampa Paul ? If you had been a dumb fat fuck , nobody would have missed you . People would have nodded their heads in mock sympathy and said , " He 's in a better place now . " But you were a bright fat fuck . You had ideas . You inspired people . Remember when you started the company softball team ? We were proud to wear those t - shirts , no matter how badly we lost , and we always lost . We had fun , and that was all your fault . Remember Lily and Fritz from up here ? I run into Lily in the village sometimes . Yesterday she told me I walk like you . It 's been 30 years since she last saw you , and she remembers how you walked . Who leaves that kind of impression on people ? A few years ago , I saw Aunt Belle not long before she died . She had no idea who I was , but when I said " I 'm Paul 's son , " she looked up and whispered " Paul ? " with what was left of her feeble voice . I said , " No , I 'm not Paul - I 'm Paul 's son , " and she looked away . As far as anybody knows , your name was the last word she ever spoke . So why 'd you do it ? What was so terrible about your world that you couldn 't face it with all your wonderful wits about you ? Why was it that every time you started to get somewhere , every time you began to achieve success in whatever you were doing , you dove back into that bottomless vat of vodka ? What the hell were you so afraid of ? Now that I 'm almost older than you ever were , it 's a bit funny to me that I used to call you " old man ; " it brings a smile when my girls call me that . Then a tear , knowing you would have had them call you the same thing . Saddest is that we will never know what you would have called them , only that it wouldn 't have been their given names . Not so funny is that my last words to you were " Call me back when you 're sober . " And you weren 't even drunk that time . Of all the words I 've ever said to anybody , those are the ones I wish I could take back . I 'm sorry , old man . But much sorrier that you never called me back . " I don 't consider myself a black person . " As soon as she said it , I knew she was black . I didn 't care . She was a girl , and she wanted to meet me . She could have been green with pink polka - dots . She was a girl , and she wanted to meet me . Besides , she was a full year and a bit older than me . And she was a girl , and she wanted to meet me . I met her at the end of her street , across from the dep . I went up to her and asked , " Looking for someone ? " She said , " No one but you . " Or it might have been the other way around . Or that might just have been something we told people when they asked us how we met . I think we walked around a bit . I might have bought some soft drinks . If there was a parting kiss , it was not one I remember . I remember our second date more clearly . We drove to the lookout , and everyone knows what that 's for . I had very little experience French - kissing ; I had never done it with anyone who knew how , and I sure as hell didn 't . I must have learned quickly , because about 10 minutes in , she stopped suddenly , stared at me , and said the words that a 17 - year - old boy least wants to hear from the girl whose tongue has been dancing with his : " I love you . " I must have blacked out then , because the next thing I remember is we were snogging again , apparently having forgotten about something , but I wasn 't quite sure what . All in all , it was a good second date . As I was getting ready for our third date , I had two songs in my head , Two Out Of Three Ain 't Bad and Tonight 's The Night . I have always been a fan of Marvin , and never much cared for Roderick , so naturally I went with the song that made me think I was going to get laid . She was a girl , and she wanted to meet me , again . This virgin child was ready for the secret to unfold . We drove around looking for a place to park . I was to become a man in a 1972 yellow two - door Gran Torino with brown vinyl upsholstery . We settled on a quiet street with houses on one side and a field on the other . Just as we were going over what I had already learned , the porch lights went on at the house directly across from us , the front door opened , and a silhouetted figure emerged to peer intently in our direction . I was not to become a man on that street . Or any other , it seemed ; we couldn 't find one that was suitable . We abandoned the Torino at the north end of the park that borders Chester Ave . We took the blanket , found a nice spot near the swings , and continued where we had left off . I must have remembered what I had learned , because about 10 minutes in , she stopped suddenly , stared at me , and said the words that a 17 - year - old boy most wants to hear from the girl whose tongue has been dancing with his : " You wanna fuck ? " I was a bit unclear on the question , so I asked her to clarify : " Do you ? " I don 't remember the exact words that followed , but we clarified the question . Twice . I must have learned quickly , because afterwards she asked me when my first time had been , and didn 't believe me when I told her . All in all , it was a good third date . The bleakness of the winter had passed , its last raging storm now a memory , the snow replaced by the sprouting blades of grass . Recently barren branches flourished with green buds . A newly planted tree blossomed in two directions , chirping birds flitting back and forth between the branches of the double trunk that was yearning to touch the sun . The gardener was pleased . The winter had been a bleak one , the sun making only feeble efforts to break through the grey . Little snow had fallen , as though the constant clouds couldn 't be bothered to wake up very often . The more the gardener had wondered if the winter would ever end , the less he had cared . The last storm had been a violent one , a welcome contrast to the unending bleakness . In its way , the struggle to survive it had given the gardener something to care about . A winter 's store of unspent energy had unleashed itself without warning ; faced with its fury , his complacency quickly drowned in a flood of adrenaline . At the point when he genuinely feared for his safety , the howling winds and blinding snow stopped as suddenly as they had begun . Now , the gardener was enjoying the soft breeze , the melodic twittering of the hungry chicks , the warming rays of the vernal sun . The intermittent light rain was the finishing touch on perfection . From time to time , a raucous crow would happen along , and the chicks would scatter in confusion , returning to their perches after the scavenger departed . The occasional thunderstorm would give the garden a much - needing washing down . Although at times it seemed as if it would , the spring did not last forever . The gardener did not mind very much when it was over , not nearly as much as he had once imagined he would . This particular spring had played out its role in the cycle of things , as he always knew it would , as it always does . While he would ever cherish the memory of it , it was time for another season , and he welcomed the dark clouds that had just appeared over the horizon . I thought she was the most beautiful girl on The Main . She probably wasn 't of course , but I thought she was . " Exquisite " might be a better word . She approached me as though she took it for granted that I had already decided to go with her . She was right . The first time was business as usual . The second time I saw her was . . . different . We did things we weren 't supposed to do , things that lovers do . Tender things . I don 't know if she felt what I did , and I never asked . I told her afterwards that I couldn 't see her like that anymore . She said simply , " I know , " and it never came up again . After that , we would hang out , grab a bite every so often , sometimes have a drink or two . I took her out for her birthday . Once , she invited me over for breakfast . We talked , we laughed , she told me how she got there . It always killed me a little , what she did , but I knew enough to leave it alone . We 'd known each other about six months when I got home from a vacation to find my answering machine full . She was in the hospital . I didn 't call , I didn 't even unpack , I just went . She had been stabbed . She was barely conscious when they had found her . They told her she was lucky to be alive . She didn 't look very lucky . She had nowhere to go , so she stayed with me while she recovered . I took care of her , and she took care of me . We never touched each other , except when I dressed her wounds . It was a tiny apartment with only two beds and I had a part - time roommate , so when he was there we would have to double up . One night , she said I could sleep in her bed . I muttered something unintelligible , stayed where I was , and regretted it for a long time afterwards . It never came up again . Her wounds healed . We both knew that she couldn 't stay , that she had to leave the city to get away from where we had met . She went back to her home town , got a job in a department store , went back to school . We spoke regularly . When my father died , she was the first person I called . I wouldn 't have been able to make the drive otherwise . For years , we kept in touch , visited each other every few months . Over time , we drifted apart . She got a boyfriend , I got a girlfriend . The visits stopped , the calls were less frequent . The last time I ever spoke to her was when I told her that I was getting married . As I hung up the phone , I knew that it would be . In the soundtrack of his life there , that song clearly represented that particular time . Not only because of its lyrics , classically appropriate as they were ( although he was never really sure if he should think of them as directed at him or from him ) , but of when it was played . It was played a lot , as it was at the top of the charts then , but it seemed to be played only at moments when it was particularly relevant . Of course , there were a lot of those moments , but there were a lot of other moments as well , and it never came on the radio during those . And the radio was almost always on . Nor is it that he just didn 't notice it ; when that song played , he noticed it . And when that happened , it was one of those moments . It did freak him out a bit some times , although he knew it was merely strange coincidence . When that time ended abruptly , or so it seemed to him , that song 's time on the radio ended as suddenly as it had begun , as often happens with hit songs . To be sure , it was still played , but not nearly so often , and when it did , it was just as likely to be during one of those other moments . Eventually , he just didn 't notice it anymore . We remained old friends after the time that ended that night , when we both stood talking for hours , each waiting for the moment neither would allow , just because it would have been wrong . That time ended that night because we knew we could not resist again . Or would not . So we stayed away , but stayed old friends . We spoke on the phone recently , for three hours , longer than we have spoken in total in the four years since that night . It didn 't take a minute to know that we were still old friends , it didn 't take a second . We already knew . We spoke briefly about that time ( but not about that night ) . Able to look at it from here , we could talk about then . Then , we had talked about music , kids , other of our many common interests . Now , we talked about then , and about what we couldn 't talk about then . Not because it wouldn 't be wrong now . Because it doesn 't matter . That was then . We joked about how we might have been soulmates . We agreed that it could have been perfect . I gave her insight into then and now . She gave me insight into here and there . We talked about how things fit together , and why they didn 't . We both knew when it was time to go . We didn 't make plans to speak again . We just know we will . The stranger stumbled out onto the street , his cheek still stinging from the well - earned slap . The evening had not gone quite as well as he had hoped . It would get worse . He wandered the dark streets , stopping occasionally to collect another bruise . He passed it off to his unfamiliarity with the town and its customs , but the truth was that he just wasn 't as clever as he thought himself . Or maybe he was , but cleverness was no match for stealth . As he walked away from yet another unfortunate encounter , a passing figure on the street pressed a paper into his hand . He looked at it . " No , " he said , " this must end here . " He crumpled the note and let it drop to the ground as he walked towards the edge of town . He left the buildings behind him and entered a wooded park . After a time , he arrived at a clearing . There was a crowd . Trumpets blared . Swords were brandished . In the distance , a herd of wild horses rode by . The stranger knew this would not end well for him . As the dagger was withdrawn from his side , he fell . The crowd laughed . As he lay on the ground , through the laughter he heard a voice . He was about to say something when he realized he knew those words . As his heart was about to beat its last , he found them in the recesses of his mind . With his last breath , he gave the answer . The crowd fell silent . Life flowed back into him . He stood up and walked away from the crowd , back towards the centre of town . I told her once , not long after we separated , what I saw , and she saw it too . We cried , together . Whether that was because we believed it or because we didn 't remains unclear . We never mentioned it again . I still see it , sometimes . That same picture , almost as clear as the first time I saw it . There we are , as we once believed we were meant to be , sitting together , smiling , surrounded by our . . . I try not to think about it too often . It saddens me that we will not share the journey that we each must take to get there , even though I know it cannot be any other way . We travelled together further than we probably should have , long past the point where we were only holding each other back . I know that we have to go our separate ways . I don 't have to like it , but I will learn to . As I do , it will fade , what I saw . It has to , or it will stop me from seeing anything else . In time , I will forget all about it . The thought of it will seem absurd , and the picture will bury itself somewhere deeper than I will be able to reach . Before that happens , I will look at it one more time , and remember those words she said to me so long ago , and wonder . . . It was strange to see , after all this time . To see that place that he know so well , looking like that . The place itself looked the same . Sure , some tables had been moved around , the barmaid was new to him , but it was the same place , wasn 't it ? He recognized a couple of faces , but they didn 't seem the same . It was clear that then was not now . What he noticed more were the ones who weren 't there . If your presence doesn 't make an impact , your absence won 't make a difference . It did . He wondered if that was just because he know these faces , and he didn 't know those . Had he been there at a different time , would he miss the faces he didn 't know now ? He tried to look for counterparts . You know , you walk in to a bar you haven 't been to in 20 years , and you see that guy . He 's not the same that guy , but he 's still that guy . Same people , different faces , like the daughter on ' Til Death . He looked for types . You know , which of those people was " me " , which was " him " , which was " her " . Didn 't work . He thought maybe " we 're " not types . Maybe types only work for people you don 't really know , like that guy . Try as he might , he couldn 't identify with those people , couldn 't see himself fitting in there . He couldn 't help but thinking that it was no accident that he showed up there when he did . That any other time he wouldn 't have stayed . That those people just didn 't interest him . It was in her eyes , and it was unmistakable . As much as I tried to turn away , I could not . They drew me in , and it scared me . Because at that moment , I knew . I kept looking over at the others , wondering if they had noticed , hoping , so that they could put a stop to it . They hadn 't . There was no stopping it . Not then . Not now . Alice wondered at the strange looking glass . She had seen it before , but had never paid it much attention . Busy with her classes , she had little time for recess . Then one day , tired of her studies , she decided to take a closer look . She leaned towards the looking glass , wanting only to catch a glimpse of the strange goings - on , when suddenly she found herself drawn right in . She picked herself up off the floor to find herself in the type of place her parents had always told her to stay out of . A lady floated by , muttering about some cleaning she had to do . Alice blinked , and some people were considering things Alice thought quite impolite for social discourse . She blinked again , and they were gone . She drifted off . . . When she awoke , she saw that she was not alone . She looked at the time , and told the stranger , " I think you should leave now . " The stranger thought not , and some discussion ensued . As soon as Alice conceded , the stranger left and Alice fell back into her slumber . She awoke again some time later to find that the stranger had returned , and had brought some others . Alice quite enjoyed their company and when they left , she followed them out . She found herself in somewhat of a maze , and feeling a bit lost , she began to wander . As she did so , she thought to herself , " I might just like this place . " She had no idea . There is no excuse for this . Everybody who was involved should be shot . And drawn & quartered , whatever that is . And made to watch it over and over until . . .

I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me Thank you for your comments . I read them over and over like a meditation . I know I don 't answer them directly , but that doesn 't mean I do not appreciate them . Thank you Janzi , Syd and Ms Moon . Such precious friends to have in the ether world . Yes , Ms Moon , my voodoo lily did bloom again this year . The second year in a row . My lily blooms before any of the leaves come up , so I am excited to see your bloom . Thank you Janie for your comments . It helps so much to write about this . Especially when I am being so woe is me . It helps me to snap back to reality and remember how lucky I am to have this life . To have so many dear precious friends , both here in my life , around the world , and in the ether . I am grateful for all of you . I am grateful for having a place to write this story . At one time , Jefferson County was the largest watermelon seed grower in the United States . Today watermelons are still grown here , but it is not the cash crop that it once was . But this was the 64th Annual Watermelon Festival and although there was no bed race this year , there were lots of activities for the week . Friday Bug and I got our new driver 's license . Actually it is not a bad photo , and now I guess it is official . We now live at Casa Bianca . Well , according to the paperwork . We are hoping to start moving over for real this week . Bug finished the bamboo floor in the bedroom and it is beautiful . I am getting so excited to see how everything comes together . After getting our driver 's license we went for my bone treatment . After the treatment we drove home and I laid down and rested . I fell hard asleep and woke up in time to throw some clothes on and head up to the Opera House to meet the girl 's to see 2014 : A Space Oddity . It was written by my friend Judi and her grand daughter Kaya . It was full of fun space facts , dancing , and singing . I sat in awe watching these young people , as young as 5 years old . All but one looked completely at ease . These kids have grown up on that stage and now they dance across those boards with grace and ease . I loved the show and watching these talented young people as they performed . The one girl , had a solo and stood out amongst the entire cast because she was so uncomfortable . When she sang she looked up at the balcony running across the back of the stage . When the others danced , as natural as if they did it all of their lives , she barely moved . I thought how much I would love to see her in the future to see how she too becomes as comfortable on that old stage as the rest of the kids . The costumes , simple , bright , comfortable and fun . Carolyn , Judy , Denise and I had a great time and clapped and whooped and cheered for our kids . I have always loved being a part or coming to see the " Children 's " play . I have gotten to play a grandmother cat to these kids . I have stage managed a couple shows back before Abby starting stage managing . I have been in other plays with these kids , and it is one of my greatest joys in life . Holding hands and dancing across those beautiful old boards with them as children and now as they are grown . I was so very proud of Olivia . She was a Hambone and also played the part of Princess Layla with ' Fun space facts from Star Wars ' . She has two extremely talented older siblings , and the younger ones coming up also show amazing gifts , and from this group , sweet Olivia smiles and dances across the stage and our hearts . Woohoo , Olivia ! ! ! I also thought Damaris who was Weirdo Wackadoo , was amazing . That little girl has aI am so fortunate to live in a place with a beautiful opera house as the center of our community . And then to get to play in that house . Or to sit in the audience and watch so much talent , young and old , and cheer them on . Wow , I just love this community . I am so fortunate to live in a small town . A town , I picked out to live , and I have never been disappointed . In a short seven years I have planted my roots deep and long in this place and I am so grateful that my honey has also fallen in love with this place . I can 't wait to move and be closer to town . We will related more to downtown Monticello instead of relating to I - 10 and Hwy 19 . It will be a real change , and I am grateful to find a home that we have been able to make into our own . And it is all ours . We have paid our way as we have gone and as much work as the house has been to get it ready to move in . Knowing that it is all ours and we have land and beautiful trees and quiet . After watching the children 's play and clapping my hands red , the four of us decided to go get ice cream at Marcie 's new shop . It is a coffee / ice cream shop with bike rentals and I am sure other fun things . We walked not quite a block and came across Katrina 's with the wonderful ice cream sandwiches made from home made chocolate chip cookies and home made ice cream . We started to walk over to sit and listen to the music , but it was another maybe 3 blocks , and I could not go . Just thinking about it sent my stomach into major issues and I walked with great urgency back the two blocks to my car . I had to stop one time to rest , but my stomach rushed me on . By the time I got home and ran into the door I was hit with the delicious smells coming from the kitchen with my sweet man making us dinner . By the time I made it to my hot wonderful meal I was a sobbing poor me mess . I hiccuped my way through tears that I could no longer walk 3 blocks with my friends , and I couldn 't even cook dinner for my husband . He held me until the tears quit and I ate his wonderful dinner . I took another pain pill and that was when I realized how much pain I was in . Saturday morning we got up and I was over myself . We headed up town to watch the Watermelon Festival Parade . Bug and I had looked at a house on Hwy 19 , about 3 blocks from the courthouse when we were looking for houses for ourselves and his parents . We had looked at this house and had discarded the idea for us because it was on a main road . We discarded it for his parents because there were lots of steps to get into the house . It is an historical home and has hardwood floors , high ceilings , lots of windows and a fire place in almost every room . It was a lovely place to watch the parade and there were mimosas , quiche , sausage biscuits , fruit and banana bread . Many of the stage company players were there and as always it was so much fun to spend time with them . We clapped , cheered and laughed with a running commentary of a very southern parade in a small town often referred to as " MBut asked me if I wanted to walk around the festival downtown , but I was not able to do so . We drove home , rested and then he headed over to finish the floor in the bedroom . I think I laid down . Sunday we worked at the house . I painted floor boards and helped to mop the floor . He finished the details in the bedroom like putting the newly painted base boards back on . We watched soccer . I was tired and uncomfortable . I mean more than normal . I am not always tired and hurting . Okay , maybe I am , but there are different levels and I was pegging out . Then I realized that I had experienced bone pain and nausea from the previous bone treatments . That helped remembering that . Or maybe I only want to think that had happened . Regardless , it helped to think that . Next Friday I will attend a class on the chemo I will start taking . I asked the precious Ms Allison if I really had to take this class . She said she would check for me because it is not as if I am a newbie with chemo . But if I need to take a class to take this , no problem , I will . I know that I might be opening myself up to all those horrid side effects that come with shooting WMDs into my port and letting it course through my veins hopefully slowing the little c more then it will wipe me out . Today I spent in bed resting . I slept some , but mostly just rested , read a little and with out much to do , made dinner for my honey when he gets here from our home . We are both looking forward to being there . Waking up there and working . Relaxing in that the Florida room , listening to the trees and the birds . I need to start working on the sofa covers . It will not be bad once I get the first one made . But until I get that first one done , I will have to fight my lack of self confidence . The Oncology Center called yesterday and said I had a bone treatment today . I was a bit confused because the doctor had said they would call me on Friday to set an appointment for next week . She said that all she had was an order for me to take a treatment today . I said fine , and planned on just driving up by myself in the morning . Bug has two passes left on the bedroom floor . He knocked out 3 / 4 of it yesterday . I knew even though his back is giving him a lot of pain , he would want to finish the floor today . The floor is gorgeous . Simply gorgeous . This morning he said he would rather go with me to make sure that everything went well this first treatment . I appreciated that even though I have been through this before I don 't remember any problems or reasons that I shouldn 't be able to drive myself , but I don 't remember a lot of things . We drove up and Ms Rose took care of everything and within an hour we were on our way home . Bug sat with me during the infusion . Each person gets their own little space . The nurses give you warmed towels , snacks and drinks . They are so nice to you there . When I got there Ms Rose said she was surprised to see me because I was on the calendar for next week . I told her what had happened with the scheduling and we both just laughed . The treatment was done so there you go . I told her I would call Ms G and let her know what chemo I had settled on and asking for an appointment to either start or meet with Dr . May . They were working at another office this morning so I will probably get a call next week . I have been at this place before . That place where this must be the end of the final chapter . It is time to start putting things in order . This time . I am just too tired to worry about it . I still say the same thing as people stop to talk to me . " How you doing ? " " Fine , " I say , " Just fine . " Well , that is the truth , I am doing fine . Tired ? yes , Bone weary ? yes . But I am doing fine . Have I turned the corner ? Well , again , yes . Three months ago the cancer had not metastasized to my back bone . Three months ago I did not have large dark spots on my lungs . Three months ago I could still carry 50 pounds of chicken feed . No longer . But is this " the end ? " Please . I have no idea . I can 't say that I am afraid , but now worry about the cancer metastasizing to my brain . After all , my ex - late husband died of brain cancer . Even though we did not know that was going on with him , we had dealt with debilitating headaches . I have lived with headaches , but honestly have not had to deal with that for many years now . So I will be able to understand what is happening and know what to look for . Of course I am hoping that we do not need to worry about that . And honestly , I am not worried , just . . . . . aware . If , if , this is " the end " , well , I hope I have time to take care of everything , and if not ? no worries , I won 't be here to worry . I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple weeks ago . She had a double mastectomy on Friday , and when I talked to her briefly today she sounded like the same person . Not someone who had just been through what I would consider major surgery . She sounded like she was just getting ready to go work in the garden or make her honey lunch . The surgery went well , but they did find a spot on a lymph node , so that might change things . Where the surgery might have handled the little c before , now they know that it has metastasized so that changes the play book . I told her she was my hero , and she laughed and told me she thought the same . After I hung up I thought how all of the people I have known dealing with the little c since I found out I had it just breaks my heart . I do not dislike my c , but when thinking of others , I am now the one that can do nothing for them . It is a helpless feeling . I try to keep that in mind when people are having to deal with me . It is much easier , in my case anyway , to be the one with the disease . I have been a care giver for family and friends and I have appreciated that opportunity . I understood that they were not going to live forever , and several of the deaths were very hard . But not because of their illness , but because I loved them and would miss them . Each time I learn of another friend who had an illness , the wind gets knocked out of my sails . I think I just feel guilty . I am still here using resources of our planet , and breathing the shared air . I am still here . Not helping others , not giving back . I still feel like I am part of the community , and tonight Carolyn , Judy , Denise and I will go to see the children 's production at the Opera House . I talked to Ms Moon yesterday and said that if her kids got back in time and picked up their kids , wouldn 't she love to skip her weekly happy hour with her honey and go to the Opera House and watch lots of children . She laughed and said no . She has had her grand babies for a few days and thought she might need a little adult tiThis lady was quite nice , but it is interesting to listen to her views after moving here from Gainesville . She is a judge for flowers and ornamental shows . We are not a big judging place . We tried to introduce her to other gardeners in the area that belong to different garden circles . I do not think she found what she was looking for . We told her about the art league and other groups and things in town . I do not think we particularly impressed her . Oh well , I love our community . Where the grand marshal for the parade tomorrow is the UPS driver . He is well liked , a native of this community and goes above and beyond in serving his customers . Sounds like a grand marshal to me . A small town , but not for everyone . Oh ! ! ! I have seen my first red / yellow / green stop light in Jefferson County . No , it is not at an intersection . It is in one of the antique shops in the main business district . You can see it through the window . It certainly caught my eye . They have set up booths downtown and by this evening it will be hopping . Tomorrow will be the big day of the festival . Breakfast , car show , parade , street dance and lots of other fun festivities . Life is good here in our small little community . And I am doing very well , all things considered , but I think I will go lay down so I will be rested up for the play tonight . I have grown quite fond of my Oncologist . My first one completely missed the mark on me . He did not diagnose my cancer , he gave me poor treatment and worst of all dismissed me as not being worthy of his time when he could serve those who were going to live . I will leave all comments on him off , but I am sure I have left a few on previous posts over the years . My second Oncologist was a gift , plain and simple . He stepped right up , diagnosed the little c and then set about learning everything he could about it and my other health issues . He literally brought me back from the dead and gave me a life again . My third and current Oncologist and I took a little time to get used to each other . It is understandable after having such an amazing doctor who was also charming and handsome and so intelligent he produced a glow about his head like a halo just with all the energy in that brain . She took over most of his patients and had to deal with all of us constantly questioning her and going around her . But I have to give her credit for winning me over . I am very comfortable with her and she says things like , " I wish I could make all of the cancer go away , but since I can 't lets just do what we can to give you the longest healthy life we can . " I very much appreciate that she lays it on the table . She tells me what is going on and what are my options . She then tells me her first choice , but leaves it open to me decide . Numbers wise , my blood counts are all good , my liver is almost that good . These are great , because it gives me options . So , strong and healthy body , all things concerned . The biopsy was no surprise , lung cancer . Dr . M said that after the biopsy the lymph glands all seemed to get a little smaller . I am not sure how she knows that , but sounds good . The Pet scan showed a change . On my back bone , not in my back bone and not in my spinal cord there appears to be some growth . It looks like it is on 5 - 6 vertebrates . We will deal with this bone treatments . The kind they give people with osteoporosis . My friend Jan took this and it did not work out so well . However , I think this is the same drug they gave me back in the beginning of treatments when I had radiation and I tolerated it just fine . Hopefully by strengthening the bone we will slow the growth down . We can always do scans and radiation later if needed . But at this point , it seems like over kill . I will start the bone treatments next week . It is a once a month treatment and is taken through infusion . Good thing I have a port . And as Dr . M said , she has never seen an easier port to use because it really stands out . She had asked me if I had felt any bone pain in my back and I had said , " No " . That is why we are taking the simplest route . Unfortunately once I got home I remembered the severe pain I had last week . I had thought of it as around my shoulder blade . As I think about it now , I better mention this pain to her . It put me to bed two days , but at the time I was not thinking back , and it might not be . But still . Another change in the scan was my lungs . The Tarceva does not appear to be working any longer . Really , all in all , it has been a good run , and it was a great drug . But it has side affects , so if it is not working , then why keep taking it ? She discussed how she had gone back through all the records and had taken time to look through the amazing Dr . McCutie . There was one chemical left on his original list of possibilities . I have three choices . Simply stop the Tarceva and accept what will happen . Or We can add Avistan to the Tarceva and see if that might work . The final choice is the last chemical on the list . Her preference is number three , but after giving me information on both chemicals she sent me home to choose what I want to do . At this moment , I am planning on number three also . I am bone weary right now and just stopping everything would be easy . To simply lay down and rest , but there is so much to do getting the house ready to move in . We will move over there next week . If we have to move the 5th wheel over an live in it , fine , but we are ready to be there . So , changes , not necessarily good , but honestly I felt a little relieved . I need to start smiling again , laughing . I need to feel happiness . There is no need to be unhappy while this continues . I want to smile at my husband and feel joy again . I want to sit in our new house and have friends over and enjoy time with them . I can do this . I can spend the next six months enjoying this wonderful and amazing life I have . My cousin Lori is moving to Florida . She is a RN with the VA and has gotten a great job in St . Pete . She will be near the brothers and only 4 + hours to here . I am so glad that she will be here . I have to admit , there is a bit of relief finding out what is going on . I have not been feeling better and my stamina is slipping , so this explains it . How much longer ? I have no idea . It isn 't about time , but life . So on to another phase . The symptoms are pretty typical , stomach issues in both directions , nose bleeding , exhaustion , flu like symptoms and hair loss . I might not have all of them . Then again , I might . Oh well . Let the games begin ! Posted by That might be more wishful thinking then reality . I have lost my sense of humor . I have found bits and pieces of every now and again . Over all , I notice that where a smile was my norm , it does not seem so these days . I have no reason to be this way . We are getting closer everyday to moving into our home . Bug has started on laying the bamboo floor in the bedroom . We put the goat fence up on Father 's Day . Well , I handed him the screw / bolts and he did everything else . I have moved boards for him and brought him things as he has needed for the house , but he is doing 99 % of the work . I had come up with a new strategy for gaining weight . Nothing tastes right and even when my stomach says it is hungry I have a terrible time finding something I can actually eat . Oh , and that has calories . As I have said before , I should have learned to eat junk food years ago . It is just too late for me now . I thought I would simply make sure that I eat three meals a day . Not big meals , just try and eat some balanced meals , small but healthy . Then eat a package of peanut butter crackers twice a day . Simple enough . That should get me over 112 pounds . I made two meals and two packages of crackers and a very small bowl of ice cream , or a glass of whole chocolate milk . I hoped it might soothe my stomach with the dairy and increase my calories . So , two days I made it close and then last night I weighed myself as I went to bed and I weighed 115 pounds . Wooohoooo ! ! ! Then about 2 : 00am my stomach revolted and by the time I got up at 9 : 00am I was back down to 112 , and exhausted from getting up and down so many times with my tummy . sigh . I ran into a couple I had not seen since before I was diagnosed with the little c . She had tried out for the first play I was directing . She is a talented community theater actor . She does great voices . But unfortunately another woman walked in as I was finalizing the cast who was any Director 's perfect person for this one part and after discussing the situation with the rest of the cast , we decided to cast the new person . I am sure it was pretty difficult for her . She and her husband had been a big part of the previous years Spring murder mystery and now she was cut out of a part . Anyway they actually saw me first and waved . I was so happy to see them I ran into the restaurant and gave each of them a hug . I commented on how much weight her husband had lost . It was well over 100 pounds and he is looking so much healthier . The woman in her typical straight forwardness said , " You are so skinny ! ? ! ? ! " I do not pretend to be kind or gentle when I tell people about this situation . I simply said , " That is what happens when you have Stage 4 non - small cell lung cancer . " She pulled back like I had slapped her . I honestly felt terrible I had been so blunt , but she bounced back right away , bless her heart . She something like she was so proud of me . She probably meant my attitude but I was confused and a little embarrassed I explained it was genetic , I really could not take any credit for it . She laughed and said something about " fighting " . You know how over sensitive I am about " fighting " cancer . I tried to hold back my tongue , but I did tell her I had decided not to fight , but to just do the best I could with the situation . We hugged and I was gone after just a couple of minutes . We have seemed to lay low these days as I have not been feeling that great . Not , that bad , but not that great . However , we did go over to friends house on Friday night for a little get together just down the road . We knew a few of the people , but many were family of our friends and we had never met them before . Both families are from Key West . RealWhile we were putting the goat fence up I moved a garden block and underneath it was a snake surrounded by eggs . At first we thought she was dead , possibly smashed when the blocks were thrown there . But she did move at one point , so I carefully secured the block back over her nest and left her there . What kind of snake ? Oh , just one of those garden variety snakes . Honestly I really couldn 't tell you what it was , other than it was not a rattlesnake , corral snake or copper head . Those are the only poisonous snakes here , so there was no reason to hurt the potential family . Hopefully they will prosper and move out closer to the swamp and keep all the undesirables away . We took the dogs over to the house so that they could be with us during the day instead of being home alone getting into what kind of mischief . Also they miss us terribly . Bug put the dog door in and they will be able to come and go from the Florida room as they like . They will not be living in the rest of the house . If I was stronger and not so easily knocked down by them , then trampled . If I was able to clean up properly after them . But I am not . They are simply so strong and happy and I am not so sure on my feet or very strong anymore . I am not a 70 pound weakling . After all , I am still up at 112 , and hoping to figure out how to gain more , and still able to help . They have a wonderful area fenced off to protect them , as well as keep them from running off . It has sunny spots , shady spots and cool damp areas right behind the house . The Florida room is nice sized , and at this point the room we spend 90 % of our time . I doubt that it will change all that much . My baby brother turned 55 last month . My big brother turned 63 last week . I will be 59 this coming October . I am still here . It will be 4 years in about 3 weeks . I am looking forward to celebrating that day . It changed my entire life in way I had never expected , but it is nice to have a date to mark time by . I was watching Fanny on AMC today . One of the characters says something like , ' It is not dying that I mind so much , it is the fact of not living that bothers me . ' Is that great or what ? ? ? I might start using that . The Watermelon Festival has started but we have not done anything yet . Carolyn and I are going to the Fashion Show on Thursday . Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Oncologist . We will see how it goes . Sunday morning and it has been a day worth remembering . Bug had gotten up to feed the kids and I was still resting . He gets up in the morning and feeds the dogs and cats and makes his coffee . This takes the excitement level down to a point where I can safely navigate the hallway between our bedroom and the kitchen . A narrow hallway without much natural light with the washer and dryer on one side , the door on the other . This is a dog door in the door , so even when the people door is closed I can have dogs and cats coming at me from every possible direction . Some of the cats sleep on the washer so they can leap out from behind the curtain and land on your face or shoulders . It is my life , and as hard on my body getting up each morning and stumbling through the gauntlet of animals , I love that my children miss me . For many years they slept with me or were at least free to come and go at night . But I grew tired of bloody lips , scratched faces , black eyes and so on . So now that first minute of the morning when I join my family is a little rough , but at the new house will be different and there is no dark hallway to survive . The new house . We are getting closer to moving in . So this morning as I laid in the bed checking out how I feel before I take the first oxy , Bug brought me Henry . My sweet Henry . He is the best smelling cat in the entire world . He is a beautiful animal , sweet , loving , plump and thick shades of honey fur . He has been lost to us for the last many weeks . We have been coming and going a lot . Even when I am here I spend a lot of time locked away in the bedroom . Our regular baby sitter got it in her head that Henry was starving and being mistreated and started feeding him and keeping him with her . This has been one stressful situation in my life . So while I have been trying to deal with the loss of my chickens , and then the realization that Ednarose had lost her mind , moving , Bug 's parents moving , friends coming back into my life , I was missing my Henry . He did not know where he belonged and started living like a lost boy . He has lost weight and had a terrible hair ball . Elizabeth gave me some mineral oil to help it pass . No . I do not pour mineral oil down my animal 's throats . Many years ago I would use Vaseline , so you could put it on their paw to lick it off . But I prefer butter or Crisco . It is easier on his system . It may take longer , I am not sure about that , but I know it is much easier and they generally pass it on in the direction you want it to go . It was such a joy to have him in my arms . Henry and I spent some time together , me scratching and hugging him . He finally relaxed and gave into full purr . Then , Bug came in again with another wonderful surprise . Sioux was on the phone . So I laid in bed and talked to one sister as I hugged and loved on my Henry . We had a wonderful talk . I told her about my wacky Wednesdays . She told me about finding out she had an abscess under a crown in a top back molar . Apparently she has had this abscess for quite a while because it has eaten a lot of bone . She never knew . There was some occasional difficulties , but nothing that she couldn 't ignore . She has it all under control , and thankfully she has insurance with her business . I don 't know what she would do without it . So Sunday morning started just full of love . I came out to my honey and the rest of the kids chilling out on Sunday morning . Bug usually makes breakfast , it is a hard meal for me to cook . But this morning I felt strong enough to at least get the biscuits in the oven and the turkey sausage gravy . I made a cup of Earl Grey tea and sat down . Bug finished making our breakfast and then I watched Sunday Morning . He headed out to mow the pasture with the John Deere before it got too hot . After Sunday Morning was over , the quiet minute was wild mustangs in Nevada , I went outside to mow the little backyard between the trailer and the pasture . I couldn 't believe Bug didn 't give me a hard time when I said I wanted to do this . I mean how hard is it to sit on a riding mower and drive it around ? Well , first , the mower was blocked by the golf cart that wouldn 't start , so not quite as easy as I had imagined . Bug and I got it out and soon I was driving away mowing along the fence . It took a couple of runs before I remembered what I was doing , but pretty soon I was mowing . Okay , it is a little more then just sitting and driving and I could feel it as I fought with the wheel to turn the mower within the narrow confines around my gardens . I felt like I had accomplished something . The rest of the day will be spent with less adventurous activities . The last Wednesday in May was my biopsy . I had not received the piece of paper that told me not to eat . I didn 't eat much and only when I could not get my stomach to settle down . I am down to 112 pounds . Eating isn 't an option at this point . The most exciting part of eating is that everything I eat tastes wrong , and bad . I watch Bug eat the same thing I have and he is talking about how delicious it is . So I ate part of an egg / cheese / biscuit . That meant that putting me under was not such a great idea . I never think that putting me under is a good idea . I have the worst time waking up and I almost always have major stomach issues afterwards . I can not afford to loose any weight . This was supposed to be a needle biopsy on the lymph nodes in my arm pit . When the doctor walked in to determine what our options were I lifted my arm and there was the lymph node . At this weight and with the size of these nodes you can 't help but see them . The actual procedure was only 10 minutes . They gave me a local and I was able to watch what was going on the sonogram machine . I could see the needle go into the node and then grab a sample . I could see muscle tissue and they even turned on I had lunch with Carolyn on Tuesday and told her I could not wait to see what the next Wednesday would throw at us . I can say it did not disappoint me . It turned out to be wildlife Wednesday . When Bug woke and came out to feed the kids , Edna was busy corralling two baby birds , wrens I think . She had not hurt them and was working very hard keeping everyone else away from them until she could give them to us . She acted like she was trying to make up for the chickens she killed . We explained it doesn 't work that way , but it again complicated her issue . But I would rather find alive baby birds then more dead chickens . We took them to the vet because I have raised baby birds just like these before and all I can say is that bird parents are amazing . How they are able to find food and get those giant baby mouths satisfied is more then I am able to do at this time . And I don 't have to find food . I simply ground up the baby peep food into a powder and made a paste out of it . I showed Bug how to hold them or to tap them on the heads to get them to open their mouths and then you can simply shovel in small amounts of this paste at a time . It is fun the first time . You feel like one of Mother Nature 's favorite children . But , Mother Nature knows best and rearing these two fledglings seemed like too much of a commitment at this time . We dropped them off at our Vets . They will call the wildlife people and they will pick them up and will take much better care then I can . On our way from the Vets to the Casa sitting in the middle of our lane was a soft shell turtle about the size of a large pizza . Bug jumped out to try and move it , but those shells are so soft and they are so scary looking with their giant paddle like hands and feet , so picking it up was out . He was a bit feisty but we were able to facilitate it back to the water filled ditch it had come out of , and after a stern discussion about crossing the road we left . As we were coming up to the house what should we see on the side of the road ? Another turtle . This one appearBug 's brother Ron flew in on biopsy Wednesday and Thursday the two of them loaded the rental truck with their parents belongings . Bug had hired the guys we used before to move the boxes out of the house and up into the truck . Then Bug and Ron packed it in . Thursday night we were all so tired that the five of us had dinner at the local buffet and we three ' younger folk ' left before Mom and Dad had even started their main part of their meal . I don 't know how they did it , but after staying up until the wee hours of each morning they finally got everything packed somewhere and Saturday afternoon Mom , Dad and Ron drove off with the three vehicles and all of their belongings . I am 58 years old and have only known these people for a short time , but this was way harder than I could imagine . Bug and I both felt , well , orphaned sort of . I know that sounds silly at our age , but I can not imagine seeing these two people I have grown to love so dearly ever again . Saying good bye was saying good bye . It is not that I won 't talk to them on the phone . As soon as I can get the number I will call Mom . She has called her a couple of times , but I have only gotten to talk to her once . These past 6 months that they have been here were so filled with bringing them into our lives and our community . And then whoosh they were gone . Yes , we have had a lot more time to work on the house , and it is paying off , but it is another loss for both of us . Friday we took a bit of time off and after a busy morning we rode the Harley down to the marina . We had lunch on the river and watched the large mouth bass as they lazed in the shallow water . One of the bass was huge , like 5 - 8 pounds . He is a regular their and we were lucky to get to see him this time . It was a lovely ride . Saturday we worked at the Casa . I unpacked boxes and bags I had used to transport our belongings so that I could repack them again for another trip . Saturday morning had started with Carolyn inviting me to go with her to a movie , but I felt I needed to get some things unpacked . I really appreciated that she called me and asked about the movie . Mary called a little later and we just had a sweet chat . I said she sounded wonderful but I think it sounded more like I was commenting on her health . She just sounds so happy and relaxed and intelligent and wonderful . Not in comparison to anything . Just at that moment she made me smile and took a Saturday with two sweet moments , but was a very hard day . I had weighed myself that morning and 112 . 2 . I was frustrated . I was overwhelmed and stressed . It doesn 't matter how many times it happens , it is never any easier to take . But after a few minutes talking to sweet Mary , I felt better . Two special friends who reached out and made a difference in a hard day . Bug had made a little special place for me on our little back porch . It is perfect . I needed my porch . The Florida room is open like a porch , but it isn 't a porch . Now I have both . The house is coming along . I am hanging in there , but honestly I feel miserable a lot lately . I know I wore myself out with all the doings these past few weeks . I am still struggling . I know that there has been a lot of loss lately also .

I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me Thank you for your comments . I read them over and over like a meditation . I know I don 't answer them directly , but that doesn 't mean I do not appreciate them . Thank you Janzi , Syd and Ms Moon . Such precious friends to have in the ether world . Yes , Ms Moon , my voodoo lily did bloom again this year . The second year in a row . My lily blooms before any of the leaves come up , so I am excited to see your bloom . Thank you Janie for your comments . It helps so much to write about this . Especially when I am being so woe is me . It helps me to snap back to reality and remember how lucky I am to have this life . To have so many dear precious friends , both here in my life , around the world , and in the ether . I am grateful for all of you . I am grateful for having a place to write this story . At one time , Jefferson County was the largest watermelon seed grower in the United States . Today watermelons are still grown here , but it is not the cash crop that it once was . But this was the 64th Annual Watermelon Festival and although there was no bed race this year , there were lots of activities for the week . Friday Bug and I got our new driver 's license . Actually it is not a bad photo , and now I guess it is official . We now live at Casa Bianca . Well , according to the paperwork . We are hoping to start moving over for real this week . Bug finished the bamboo floor in the bedroom and it is beautiful . I am getting so excited to see how everything comes together . After getting our driver 's license we went for my bone treatment . After the treatment we drove home and I laid down and rested . I fell hard asleep and woke up in time to throw some clothes on and head up to the Opera House to meet the girl 's to see 2014 : A Space Oddity . It was written by my friend Judi and her grand daughter Kaya . It was full of fun space facts , dancing , and singing . I sat in awe watching these young people , as young as 5 years old . All but one looked completely at ease . These kids have grown up on that stage and now they dance across those boards with grace and ease . I loved the show and watching these talented young people as they performed . The one girl , had a solo and stood out amongst the entire cast because she was so uncomfortable . When she sang she looked up at the balcony running across the back of the stage . When the others danced , as natural as if they did it all of their lives , she barely moved . I thought how much I would love to see her in the future to see how she too becomes as comfortable on that old stage as the rest of the kids . The costumes , simple , bright , comfortable and fun . Carolyn , Judy , Denise and I had a great time and clapped and whooped and cheered for our kids . I have always loved being a part or coming to see the " Children 's " play . I have gotten to play a grandmother cat to these kids . I have stage managed a couple shows back before Abby starting stage managing . I have been in other plays with these kids , and it is one of my greatest joys in life . Holding hands and dancing across those beautiful old boards with them as children and now as they are grown . I was so very proud of Olivia . She was a Hambone and also played the part of Princess Layla with ' Fun space facts from Star Wars ' . She has two extremely talented older siblings , and the younger ones coming up also show amazing gifts , and from this group , sweet Olivia smiles and dances across the stage and our hearts . Woohoo , Olivia ! ! ! I also thought Damaris who was Weirdo Wackadoo , was amazing . That little girl has aI am so fortunate to live in a place with a beautiful opera house as the center of our community . And then to get to play in that house . Or to sit in the audience and watch so much talent , young and old , and cheer them on . Wow , I just love this community . I am so fortunate to live in a small town . A town , I picked out to live , and I have never been disappointed . In a short seven years I have planted my roots deep and long in this place and I am so grateful that my honey has also fallen in love with this place . I can 't wait to move and be closer to town . We will related more to downtown Monticello instead of relating to I - 10 and Hwy 19 . It will be a real change , and I am grateful to find a home that we have been able to make into our own . And it is all ours . We have paid our way as we have gone and as much work as the house has been to get it ready to move in . Knowing that it is all ours and we have land and beautiful trees and quiet . After watching the children 's play and clapping my hands red , the four of us decided to go get ice cream at Marcie 's new shop . It is a coffee / ice cream shop with bike rentals and I am sure other fun things . We walked not quite a block and came across Katrina 's with the wonderful ice cream sandwiches made from home made chocolate chip cookies and home made ice cream . We started to walk over to sit and listen to the music , but it was another maybe 3 blocks , and I could not go . Just thinking about it sent my stomach into major issues and I walked with great urgency back the two blocks to my car . I had to stop one time to rest , but my stomach rushed me on . By the time I got home and ran into the door I was hit with the delicious smells coming from the kitchen with my sweet man making us dinner . By the time I made it to my hot wonderful meal I was a sobbing poor me mess . I hiccuped my way through tears that I could no longer walk 3 blocks with my friends , and I couldn 't even cook dinner for my husband . He held me until the tears quit and I ate his wonderful dinner . I took another pain pill and that was when I realized how much pain I was in . Saturday morning we got up and I was over myself . We headed up town to watch the Watermelon Festival Parade . Bug and I had looked at a house on Hwy 19 , about 3 blocks from the courthouse when we were looking for houses for ourselves and his parents . We had looked at this house and had discarded the idea for us because it was on a main road . We discarded it for his parents because there were lots of steps to get into the house . It is an historical home and has hardwood floors , high ceilings , lots of windows and a fire place in almost every room . It was a lovely place to watch the parade and there were mimosas , quiche , sausage biscuits , fruit and banana bread . Many of the stage company players were there and as always it was so much fun to spend time with them . We clapped , cheered and laughed with a running commentary of a very southern parade in a small town often referred to as " MBut asked me if I wanted to walk around the festival downtown , but I was not able to do so . We drove home , rested and then he headed over to finish the floor in the bedroom . I think I laid down . Sunday we worked at the house . I painted floor boards and helped to mop the floor . He finished the details in the bedroom like putting the newly painted base boards back on . We watched soccer . I was tired and uncomfortable . I mean more than normal . I am not always tired and hurting . Okay , maybe I am , but there are different levels and I was pegging out . Then I realized that I had experienced bone pain and nausea from the previous bone treatments . That helped remembering that . Or maybe I only want to think that had happened . Regardless , it helped to think that . Next Friday I will attend a class on the chemo I will start taking . I asked the precious Ms Allison if I really had to take this class . She said she would check for me because it is not as if I am a newbie with chemo . But if I need to take a class to take this , no problem , I will . I know that I might be opening myself up to all those horrid side effects that come with shooting WMDs into my port and letting it course through my veins hopefully slowing the little c more then it will wipe me out . Today I spent in bed resting . I slept some , but mostly just rested , read a little and with out much to do , made dinner for my honey when he gets here from our home . We are both looking forward to being there . Waking up there and working . Relaxing in that the Florida room , listening to the trees and the birds . I need to start working on the sofa covers . It will not be bad once I get the first one made . But until I get that first one done , I will have to fight my lack of self confidence . The Oncology Center called yesterday and said I had a bone treatment today . I was a bit confused because the doctor had said they would call me on Friday to set an appointment for next week . She said that all she had was an order for me to take a treatment today . I said fine , and planned on just driving up by myself in the morning . Bug has two passes left on the bedroom floor . He knocked out 3 / 4 of it yesterday . I knew even though his back is giving him a lot of pain , he would want to finish the floor today . The floor is gorgeous . Simply gorgeous . This morning he said he would rather go with me to make sure that everything went well this first treatment . I appreciated that even though I have been through this before I don 't remember any problems or reasons that I shouldn 't be able to drive myself , but I don 't remember a lot of things . We drove up and Ms Rose took care of everything and within an hour we were on our way home . Bug sat with me during the infusion . Each person gets their own little space . The nurses give you warmed towels , snacks and drinks . They are so nice to you there . When I got there Ms Rose said she was surprised to see me because I was on the calendar for next week . I told her what had happened with the scheduling and we both just laughed . The treatment was done so there you go . I told her I would call Ms G and let her know what chemo I had settled on and asking for an appointment to either start or meet with Dr . May . They were working at another office this morning so I will probably get a call next week . I have been at this place before . That place where this must be the end of the final chapter . It is time to start putting things in order . This time . I am just too tired to worry about it . I still say the same thing as people stop to talk to me . " How you doing ? " " Fine , " I say , " Just fine . " Well , that is the truth , I am doing fine . Tired ? yes , Bone weary ? yes . But I am doing fine . Have I turned the corner ? Well , again , yes . Three months ago the cancer had not metastasized to my back bone . Three months ago I did not have large dark spots on my lungs . Three months ago I could still carry 50 pounds of chicken feed . No longer . But is this " the end ? " Please . I have no idea . I can 't say that I am afraid , but now worry about the cancer metastasizing to my brain . After all , my ex - late husband died of brain cancer . Even though we did not know that was going on with him , we had dealt with debilitating headaches . I have lived with headaches , but honestly have not had to deal with that for many years now . So I will be able to understand what is happening and know what to look for . Of course I am hoping that we do not need to worry about that . And honestly , I am not worried , just . . . . . aware . If , if , this is " the end " , well , I hope I have time to take care of everything , and if not ? no worries , I won 't be here to worry . I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple weeks ago . She had a double mastectomy on Friday , and when I talked to her briefly today she sounded like the same person . Not someone who had just been through what I would consider major surgery . She sounded like she was just getting ready to go work in the garden or make her honey lunch . The surgery went well , but they did find a spot on a lymph node , so that might change things . Where the surgery might have handled the little c before , now they know that it has metastasized so that changes the play book . I told her she was my hero , and she laughed and told me she thought the same . After I hung up I thought how all of the people I have known dealing with the little c since I found out I had it just breaks my heart . I do not dislike my c , but when thinking of others , I am now the one that can do nothing for them . It is a helpless feeling . I try to keep that in mind when people are having to deal with me . It is much easier , in my case anyway , to be the one with the disease . I have been a care giver for family and friends and I have appreciated that opportunity . I understood that they were not going to live forever , and several of the deaths were very hard . But not because of their illness , but because I loved them and would miss them . Each time I learn of another friend who had an illness , the wind gets knocked out of my sails . I think I just feel guilty . I am still here using resources of our planet , and breathing the shared air . I am still here . Not helping others , not giving back . I still feel like I am part of the community , and tonight Carolyn , Judy , Denise and I will go to see the children 's production at the Opera House . I talked to Ms Moon yesterday and said that if her kids got back in time and picked up their kids , wouldn 't she love to skip her weekly happy hour with her honey and go to the Opera House and watch lots of children . She laughed and said no . She has had her grand babies for a few days and thought she might need a little adult tiThis lady was quite nice , but it is interesting to listen to her views after moving here from Gainesville . She is a judge for flowers and ornamental shows . We are not a big judging place . We tried to introduce her to other gardeners in the area that belong to different garden circles . I do not think she found what she was looking for . We told her about the art league and other groups and things in town . I do not think we particularly impressed her . Oh well , I love our community . Where the grand marshal for the parade tomorrow is the UPS driver . He is well liked , a native of this community and goes above and beyond in serving his customers . Sounds like a grand marshal to me . A small town , but not for everyone . Oh ! ! ! I have seen my first red / yellow / green stop light in Jefferson County . No , it is not at an intersection . It is in one of the antique shops in the main business district . You can see it through the window . It certainly caught my eye . They have set up booths downtown and by this evening it will be hopping . Tomorrow will be the big day of the festival . Breakfast , car show , parade , street dance and lots of other fun festivities . Life is good here in our small little community . And I am doing very well , all things considered , but I think I will go lay down so I will be rested up for the play tonight . I have grown quite fond of my Oncologist . My first one completely missed the mark on me . He did not diagnose my cancer , he gave me poor treatment and worst of all dismissed me as not being worthy of his time when he could serve those who were going to live . I will leave all comments on him off , but I am sure I have left a few on previous posts over the years . My second Oncologist was a gift , plain and simple . He stepped right up , diagnosed the little c and then set about learning everything he could about it and my other health issues . He literally brought me back from the dead and gave me a life again . My third and current Oncologist and I took a little time to get used to each other . It is understandable after having such an amazing doctor who was also charming and handsome and so intelligent he produced a glow about his head like a halo just with all the energy in that brain . She took over most of his patients and had to deal with all of us constantly questioning her and going around her . But I have to give her credit for winning me over . I am very comfortable with her and she says things like , " I wish I could make all of the cancer go away , but since I can 't lets just do what we can to give you the longest healthy life we can . " I very much appreciate that she lays it on the table . She tells me what is going on and what are my options . She then tells me her first choice , but leaves it open to me decide . Numbers wise , my blood counts are all good , my liver is almost that good . These are great , because it gives me options . So , strong and healthy body , all things concerned . The biopsy was no surprise , lung cancer . Dr . M said that after the biopsy the lymph glands all seemed to get a little smaller . I am not sure how she knows that , but sounds good . The Pet scan showed a change . On my back bone , not in my back bone and not in my spinal cord there appears to be some growth . It looks like it is on 5 - 6 vertebrates . We will deal with this bone treatments . The kind they give people with osteoporosis . My friend Jan took this and it did not work out so well . However , I think this is the same drug they gave me back in the beginning of treatments when I had radiation and I tolerated it just fine . Hopefully by strengthening the bone we will slow the growth down . We can always do scans and radiation later if needed . But at this point , it seems like over kill . I will start the bone treatments next week . It is a once a month treatment and is taken through infusion . Good thing I have a port . And as Dr . M said , she has never seen an easier port to use because it really stands out . She had asked me if I had felt any bone pain in my back and I had said , " No " . That is why we are taking the simplest route . Unfortunately once I got home I remembered the severe pain I had last week . I had thought of it as around my shoulder blade . As I think about it now , I better mention this pain to her . It put me to bed two days , but at the time I was not thinking back , and it might not be . But still . Another change in the scan was my lungs . The Tarceva does not appear to be working any longer . Really , all in all , it has been a good run , and it was a great drug . But it has side affects , so if it is not working , then why keep taking it ? She discussed how she had gone back through all the records and had taken time to look through the amazing Dr . McCutie . There was one chemical left on his original list of possibilities . I have three choices . Simply stop the Tarceva and accept what will happen . Or We can add Avistan to the Tarceva and see if that might work . The final choice is the last chemical on the list . Her preference is number three , but after giving me information on both chemicals she sent me home to choose what I want to do . At this moment , I am planning on number three also . I am bone weary right now and just stopping everything would be easy . To simply lay down and rest , but there is so much to do getting the house ready to move in . We will move over there next week . If we have to move the 5th wheel over an live in it , fine , but we are ready to be there . So , changes , not necessarily good , but honestly I felt a little relieved . I need to start smiling again , laughing . I need to feel happiness . There is no need to be unhappy while this continues . I want to smile at my husband and feel joy again . I want to sit in our new house and have friends over and enjoy time with them . I can do this . I can spend the next six months enjoying this wonderful and amazing life I have . My cousin Lori is moving to Florida . She is a RN with the VA and has gotten a great job in St . Pete . She will be near the brothers and only 4 + hours to here . I am so glad that she will be here . I have to admit , there is a bit of relief finding out what is going on . I have not been feeling better and my stamina is slipping , so this explains it . How much longer ? I have no idea . It isn 't about time , but life . So on to another phase . The symptoms are pretty typical , stomach issues in both directions , nose bleeding , exhaustion , flu like symptoms and hair loss . I might not have all of them . Then again , I might . Oh well . Let the games begin ! Posted by That might be more wishful thinking then reality . I have lost my sense of humor . I have found bits and pieces of every now and again . Over all , I notice that where a smile was my norm , it does not seem so these days . I have no reason to be this way . We are getting closer everyday to moving into our home . Bug has started on laying the bamboo floor in the bedroom . We put the goat fence up on Father 's Day . Well , I handed him the screw / bolts and he did everything else . I have moved boards for him and brought him things as he has needed for the house , but he is doing 99 % of the work . I had come up with a new strategy for gaining weight . Nothing tastes right and even when my stomach says it is hungry I have a terrible time finding something I can actually eat . Oh , and that has calories . As I have said before , I should have learned to eat junk food years ago . It is just too late for me now . I thought I would simply make sure that I eat three meals a day . Not big meals , just try and eat some balanced meals , small but healthy . Then eat a package of peanut butter crackers twice a day . Simple enough . That should get me over 112 pounds . I made two meals and two packages of crackers and a very small bowl of ice cream , or a glass of whole chocolate milk . I hoped it might soothe my stomach with the dairy and increase my calories . So , two days I made it close and then last night I weighed myself as I went to bed and I weighed 115 pounds . Wooohoooo ! ! ! Then about 2 : 00am my stomach revolted and by the time I got up at 9 : 00am I was back down to 112 , and exhausted from getting up and down so many times with my tummy . sigh . I ran into a couple I had not seen since before I was diagnosed with the little c . She had tried out for the first play I was directing . She is a talented community theater actor . She does great voices . But unfortunately another woman walked in as I was finalizing the cast who was any Director 's perfect person for this one part and after discussing the situation with the rest of the cast , we decided to cast the new person . I am sure it was pretty difficult for her . She and her husband had been a big part of the previous years Spring murder mystery and now she was cut out of a part . Anyway they actually saw me first and waved . I was so happy to see them I ran into the restaurant and gave each of them a hug . I commented on how much weight her husband had lost . It was well over 100 pounds and he is looking so much healthier . The woman in her typical straight forwardness said , " You are so skinny ! ? ! ? ! " I do not pretend to be kind or gentle when I tell people about this situation . I simply said , " That is what happens when you have Stage 4 non - small cell lung cancer . " She pulled back like I had slapped her . I honestly felt terrible I had been so blunt , but she bounced back right away , bless her heart . She something like she was so proud of me . She probably meant my attitude but I was confused and a little embarrassed I explained it was genetic , I really could not take any credit for it . She laughed and said something about " fighting " . You know how over sensitive I am about " fighting " cancer . I tried to hold back my tongue , but I did tell her I had decided not to fight , but to just do the best I could with the situation . We hugged and I was gone after just a couple of minutes . We have seemed to lay low these days as I have not been feeling that great . Not , that bad , but not that great . However , we did go over to friends house on Friday night for a little get together just down the road . We knew a few of the people , but many were family of our friends and we had never met them before . Both families are from Key West . RealWhile we were putting the goat fence up I moved a garden block and underneath it was a snake surrounded by eggs . At first we thought she was dead , possibly smashed when the blocks were thrown there . But she did move at one point , so I carefully secured the block back over her nest and left her there . What kind of snake ? Oh , just one of those garden variety snakes . Honestly I really couldn 't tell you what it was , other than it was not a rattlesnake , corral snake or copper head . Those are the only poisonous snakes here , so there was no reason to hurt the potential family . Hopefully they will prosper and move out closer to the swamp and keep all the undesirables away . We took the dogs over to the house so that they could be with us during the day instead of being home alone getting into what kind of mischief . Also they miss us terribly . Bug put the dog door in and they will be able to come and go from the Florida room as they like . They will not be living in the rest of the house . If I was stronger and not so easily knocked down by them , then trampled . If I was able to clean up properly after them . But I am not . They are simply so strong and happy and I am not so sure on my feet or very strong anymore . I am not a 70 pound weakling . After all , I am still up at 112 , and hoping to figure out how to gain more , and still able to help . They have a wonderful area fenced off to protect them , as well as keep them from running off . It has sunny spots , shady spots and cool damp areas right behind the house . The Florida room is nice sized , and at this point the room we spend 90 % of our time . I doubt that it will change all that much . My baby brother turned 55 last month . My big brother turned 63 last week . I will be 59 this coming October . I am still here . It will be 4 years in about 3 weeks . I am looking forward to celebrating that day . It changed my entire life in way I had never expected , but it is nice to have a date to mark time by . I was watching Fanny on AMC today . One of the characters says something like , ' It is not dying that I mind so much , it is the fact of not living that bothers me . ' Is that great or what ? ? ? I might start using that . The Watermelon Festival has started but we have not done anything yet . Carolyn and I are going to the Fashion Show on Thursday . Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Oncologist . We will see how it goes . Sunday morning and it has been a day worth remembering . Bug had gotten up to feed the kids and I was still resting . He gets up in the morning and feeds the dogs and cats and makes his coffee . This takes the excitement level down to a point where I can safely navigate the hallway between our bedroom and the kitchen . A narrow hallway without much natural light with the washer and dryer on one side , the door on the other . This is a dog door in the door , so even when the people door is closed I can have dogs and cats coming at me from every possible direction . Some of the cats sleep on the washer so they can leap out from behind the curtain and land on your face or shoulders . It is my life , and as hard on my body getting up each morning and stumbling through the gauntlet of animals , I love that my children miss me . For many years they slept with me or were at least free to come and go at night . But I grew tired of bloody lips , scratched faces , black eyes and so on . So now that first minute of the morning when I join my family is a little rough , but at the new house will be different and there is no dark hallway to survive . The new house . We are getting closer to moving in . So this morning as I laid in the bed checking out how I feel before I take the first oxy , Bug brought me Henry . My sweet Henry . He is the best smelling cat in the entire world . He is a beautiful animal , sweet , loving , plump and thick shades of honey fur . He has been lost to us for the last many weeks . We have been coming and going a lot . Even when I am here I spend a lot of time locked away in the bedroom . Our regular baby sitter got it in her head that Henry was starving and being mistreated and started feeding him and keeping him with her . This has been one stressful situation in my life . So while I have been trying to deal with the loss of my chickens , and then the realization that Ednarose had lost her mind , moving , Bug 's parents moving , friends coming back into my life , I was missing my Henry . He did not know where he belonged and started living like a lost boy . He has lost weight and had a terrible hair ball . Elizabeth gave me some mineral oil to help it pass . No . I do not pour mineral oil down my animal 's throats . Many years ago I would use Vaseline , so you could put it on their paw to lick it off . But I prefer butter or Crisco . It is easier on his system . It may take longer , I am not sure about that , but I know it is much easier and they generally pass it on in the direction you want it to go . It was such a joy to have him in my arms . Henry and I spent some time together , me scratching and hugging him . He finally relaxed and gave into full purr . Then , Bug came in again with another wonderful surprise . Sioux was on the phone . So I laid in bed and talked to one sister as I hugged and loved on my Henry . We had a wonderful talk . I told her about my wacky Wednesdays . She told me about finding out she had an abscess under a crown in a top back molar . Apparently she has had this abscess for quite a while because it has eaten a lot of bone . She never knew . There was some occasional difficulties , but nothing that she couldn 't ignore . She has it all under control , and thankfully she has insurance with her business . I don 't know what she would do without it . So Sunday morning started just full of love . I came out to my honey and the rest of the kids chilling out on Sunday morning . Bug usually makes breakfast , it is a hard meal for me to cook . But this morning I felt strong enough to at least get the biscuits in the oven and the turkey sausage gravy . I made a cup of Earl Grey tea and sat down . Bug finished making our breakfast and then I watched Sunday Morning . He headed out to mow the pasture with the John Deere before it got too hot . After Sunday Morning was over , the quiet minute was wild mustangs in Nevada , I went outside to mow the little backyard between the trailer and the pasture . I couldn 't believe Bug didn 't give me a hard time when I said I wanted to do this . I mean how hard is it to sit on a riding mower and drive it around ? Well , first , the mower was blocked by the golf cart that wouldn 't start , so not quite as easy as I had imagined . Bug and I got it out and soon I was driving away mowing along the fence . It took a couple of runs before I remembered what I was doing , but pretty soon I was mowing . Okay , it is a little more then just sitting and driving and I could feel it as I fought with the wheel to turn the mower within the narrow confines around my gardens . I felt like I had accomplished something . The rest of the day will be spent with less adventurous activities . The last Wednesday in May was my biopsy . I had not received the piece of paper that told me not to eat . I didn 't eat much and only when I could not get my stomach to settle down . I am down to 112 pounds . Eating isn 't an option at this point . The most exciting part of eating is that everything I eat tastes wrong , and bad . I watch Bug eat the same thing I have and he is talking about how delicious it is . So I ate part of an egg / cheese / biscuit . That meant that putting me under was not such a great idea . I never think that putting me under is a good idea . I have the worst time waking up and I almost always have major stomach issues afterwards . I can not afford to loose any weight . This was supposed to be a needle biopsy on the lymph nodes in my arm pit . When the doctor walked in to determine what our options were I lifted my arm and there was the lymph node . At this weight and with the size of these nodes you can 't help but see them . The actual procedure was only 10 minutes . They gave me a local and I was able to watch what was going on the sonogram machine . I could see the needle go into the node and then grab a sample . I could see muscle tissue and they even turned on I had lunch with Carolyn on Tuesday and told her I could not wait to see what the next Wednesday would throw at us . I can say it did not disappoint me . It turned out to be wildlife Wednesday . When Bug woke and came out to feed the kids , Edna was busy corralling two baby birds , wrens I think . She had not hurt them and was working very hard keeping everyone else away from them until she could give them to us . She acted like she was trying to make up for the chickens she killed . We explained it doesn 't work that way , but it again complicated her issue . But I would rather find alive baby birds then more dead chickens . We took them to the vet because I have raised baby birds just like these before and all I can say is that bird parents are amazing . How they are able to find food and get those giant baby mouths satisfied is more then I am able to do at this time . And I don 't have to find food . I simply ground up the baby peep food into a powder and made a paste out of it . I showed Bug how to hold them or to tap them on the heads to get them to open their mouths and then you can simply shovel in small amounts of this paste at a time . It is fun the first time . You feel like one of Mother Nature 's favorite children . But , Mother Nature knows best and rearing these two fledglings seemed like too much of a commitment at this time . We dropped them off at our Vets . They will call the wildlife people and they will pick them up and will take much better care then I can . On our way from the Vets to the Casa sitting in the middle of our lane was a soft shell turtle about the size of a large pizza . Bug jumped out to try and move it , but those shells are so soft and they are so scary looking with their giant paddle like hands and feet , so picking it up was out . He was a bit feisty but we were able to facilitate it back to the water filled ditch it had come out of , and after a stern discussion about crossing the road we left . As we were coming up to the house what should we see on the side of the road ? Another turtle . This one appearBug 's brother Ron flew in on biopsy Wednesday and Thursday the two of them loaded the rental truck with their parents belongings . Bug had hired the guys we used before to move the boxes out of the house and up into the truck . Then Bug and Ron packed it in . Thursday night we were all so tired that the five of us had dinner at the local buffet and we three ' younger folk ' left before Mom and Dad had even started their main part of their meal . I don 't know how they did it , but after staying up until the wee hours of each morning they finally got everything packed somewhere and Saturday afternoon Mom , Dad and Ron drove off with the three vehicles and all of their belongings . I am 58 years old and have only known these people for a short time , but this was way harder than I could imagine . Bug and I both felt , well , orphaned sort of . I know that sounds silly at our age , but I can not imagine seeing these two people I have grown to love so dearly ever again . Saying good bye was saying good bye . It is not that I won 't talk to them on the phone . As soon as I can get the number I will call Mom . She has called her a couple of times , but I have only gotten to talk to her once . These past 6 months that they have been here were so filled with bringing them into our lives and our community . And then whoosh they were gone . Yes , we have had a lot more time to work on the house , and it is paying off , but it is another loss for both of us . Friday we took a bit of time off and after a busy morning we rode the Harley down to the marina . We had lunch on the river and watched the large mouth bass as they lazed in the shallow water . One of the bass was huge , like 5 - 8 pounds . He is a regular their and we were lucky to get to see him this time . It was a lovely ride . Saturday we worked at the Casa . I unpacked boxes and bags I had used to transport our belongings so that I could repack them again for another trip . Saturday morning had started with Carolyn inviting me to go with her to a movie , but I felt I needed to get some things unpacked . I really appreciated that she called me and asked about the movie . Mary called a little later and we just had a sweet chat . I said she sounded wonderful but I think it sounded more like I was commenting on her health . She just sounds so happy and relaxed and intelligent and wonderful . Not in comparison to anything . Just at that moment she made me smile and took a Saturday with two sweet moments , but was a very hard day . I had weighed myself that morning and 112 . 2 . I was frustrated . I was overwhelmed and stressed . It doesn 't matter how many times it happens , it is never any easier to take . But after a few minutes talking to sweet Mary , I felt better . Two special friends who reached out and made a difference in a hard day . Bug had made a little special place for me on our little back porch . It is perfect . I needed my porch . The Florida room is open like a porch , but it isn 't a porch . Now I have both . The house is coming along . I am hanging in there , but honestly I feel miserable a lot lately . I know I wore myself out with all the doings these past few weeks . I am still struggling . I know that there has been a lot of loss lately also .

I watched as Julia White came into the ice cream shop / drugstore and apply for a job as a helper at the soda fountain . She was in my class in school , and although I knew who she was , I had never really had a conversation with her beyond " Hi . " I was the soda jerk and had been for all of last summer and throughout this , my senior year . Summer was coming up again and that was why Julia was looking for a job . She was nice looking with her long blonde hair and regular features . She still had to get rid of her baby fat . Hopefully she would slim down and not go on to add more weight . I considered her figure and decided that she wouldn 't have to lose much baby fat to become a beauty . Her breasts were not overly large , just about right for her frame , but they looked soft . She did have nice long legs and the cheeks of her butt were nice , but again looked soft . There was a lot of action both top and bottom when she moved around . Time would tell what kind of a woman she would turn into . Mr . Burrows came up to me and asked if I knew Julia and I said I had seen her around . " Jake , I hired Julia to work with you on the soda fountain . See if you can get her trained before Easter next week . The place will be packed for the holiday . You are in charge and it will depend on you as to how much help she is to you . " " Good , I need someone . Hi Julia , I 'll start by showing you where everything is before you will actually be making anything . We do get awfully busy at times . There isn 't much room and it is crowded back here behind the counter so we will be bumping into each other a lot . If we can get a routine down , that will make it easier . " Julie , as she preferred to be called , did well and Easter was the easiest holiday I had ever had . That night at closing I complimented her on her efforts . She threw her arms around me and kissed me as a thank you . " Jake , you explain things so well and never get mad when I screw up . You didn 't even yell at me when I dumped the chocolate syrup into the marshmallow tub . It is going to be so much fun working with you this summer . " That kiss sent me home thinking about Julie . What can I say ? I was a horny teen - ager . I think Julie felt it too . For the first few times together after the kiss , we tried to avoid bumping into each other behind the counter . Then we were back to - - if we bumped - - okay so what . Then Julie started bumping into me on purpose and we made a game out of it . By the middle of May we were hugging and kissing regularly . I carried condoms to the Senior Prom but never expected I would get a chance to use them . I didn 't expect to get drunk either and neither did Julie . Someone spiked the punch bowl at the dance and then we went parking afterwards . A buddy of mine in the next car said he had some extra beer and I could have the balance of a twelve pack . I said no , but Julie disagreed and went over to his car and brought it back with her . Two beers apiece later , we had got beyond fumbling and were getting down to business . Julie was hot and needy . I was having difficulty getting the cellophane off the condom and when I did , I couldn 't manage to get it on . " Jake , forget the damn thing and just put your thing in me . You can pull out when you get too close . " I had good intentions , but I couldn 't pull out with Julie 's legs wrapped tightly around me . Especially when she said , " Don 't stop . You 'll leave me hanging . I need you in me . " Julie informed me she had missed her period on graduation day . She went to the doctor and he confirmed that she really was pregnant and a week later we had to tell our parents . Talk about a war that this started . The Whites wanted Julie to have an abortion . My folks , the Hansons , agreed with them . We both were screamed at and of course my parents blamed Julie and her parents blamed me . Then they each tried bribes by promising to send us off to college if we would do as they asked . I wanted to marry Julie and Julie wanted to marry me . Over everyone 's objection that is just what we did . Mr . Burrows , our boss , was the only one that seemed to care about the predicament we were in . He moved me off the soda fountain and into the stockroom for the drugstore which paid a little more money . He found a place for Julie in the office . The situation made us grow up fast . Every cent we had went towards living expenses . We figured and figured and again Mr . Burrows came through with a place for us to set up housekeeping . He found us a small mobile home in one of the local parks that we could rent . I felt sorry for Julie . Her parents pretty much disowned her , hardly even acknowledging her if they met . My Mom was the same with me . Pop , well he used to drop in occasionally if Mom was out of town and he knew she wouldn 't find out about his visits . All of this hurt Julie more than me , for she had been her parents ' baby girl ' and being estranged from them really took a toll . With me , I was always Mom 's fair - haired boy or no damned good . She bounced from one extreme to the other . I was used to her mood swings and got to where I didn 't pay her as much attention as I could have . As time passed , Julie and I became closer and closer and we were settling into married life pretty well . A life that didn 't have much future for either of us , I know , but we were reasonably happy . Thanksgiving came and neither set of parents invited us . Mr . Burrows did , so we spent Thanksgiving with him and his family . Julie cried all night and this was the first time I had seen any major regret from her about us getting married . A week before Christmas Julie aborted our baby boy child . I thought for a time I was going to lose her too . Months went by and she went in and out of depression . For some reason she felt I was to blame for our loss . Maybe she always blamed me for getting her pregnant , I don 't know . We had a consultation with the doctor after Julie had been through several rigorous examinations . Julie found out she would be unable to bear children - - ever . This should have drawn us together , but instead we were further apart . Immediately after the loss of our baby , both sets of parents were at us again with their bribes as a way to split us apart . Only it was ' divorce ' this time . Julie was the first to cave in to what they wanted , except for one thing . No divorce . She would do what they wanted and leave me , but she said I was the one that had to divorce her . If I didn 't want a divorce then she would stay married to me even if we never lived together again . Other than that , she would do everything they asked of her . " Jake , do you want a divorce ? " This was the final time I would talk to Julie for many years . It happened on the eve of her leaving . " You really would wait for me that long ? We can make a pact then . Twenty - five years from now , I 'll be standing right in front of the soda fountain and we will decide if we want to get back together . In the meantime , we will live our life as single people , except that you and I know we are married . We can be committed to whoever we want , but it has to end in twenty - five years . " " Neither can I . All I 'm saying is that you have to be free twenty - five years from today . If you want to change the pact , you can get in touch with Mr . Burrows and leave a message . I 'll do the same , otherwise we won 't see or speak to each other until then . " Julie was getting more and more beautiful every day . I knew there would be men out there that would want to marry her . I would give her less than a year to get word to me asking for a divorce . Until then I hoped she had my heart and I had hers , little as it might be . I was crying when she walked out the door in the morning to where her father was waiting to take her to the bus . All I had was this last night to remember her by for the next twenty - five years . I would relive every moment of it many times over and over in my mind and cherish every second of it . I settled into college life . My parents paid , I made sure of that . My Mom finally realized she had lost some of me by being so intractable over Julie . I sometimes felt they were trying to buy my love back . What I really needed to make me happy was Julie . After a few months of blue funk since arriving at college , I said to myself , I might as well make the best of the situation . My grades started improving and Mom and Pop thought that I was getting over Julie . I wasn 't , I was just making the best of a bad situation . I chose the insurance industry as my career . It wasn 't too hard to learn and it was sure to be lucrative . Finishing school , I was employed by a firm that insured mostly homeowners . It was run by a widow whose husband had died the year before . She had two young children , a boy , seven , and a girl , eight . The widow , Miriam Crumbly , was nice enough , but somewhat out of her element with no husband and two kids to raise . Both children had been born after she was thirty and I would guess Mrs . Crumbly to be about forty - two . One of her salesmen drank a little more than he should . He had been hired by her husband and was a friend to both when the husband died . The natural progression , and what he wanted and believed was his due , was to marry Mrs . Crumbly and take over both the business and her . She didn 't see it and wasn 't having any of him . I was twenty - four the year Mrs . Crumbly called me into her office and spoke . " Mr . Jacob Hanson , I want to know more about you . I 've looked at your personnel file and I see you are married . You don 't list your wife 's name . The only note in the file on who to notify if anything happens to you is a Mr . Burrows . Are you gay and is he your partner ? " I about choked and laughed . " No , Mr . Burrows is my friend and former employer . I really am married and to a woman . For reasons I don 't want to go into , I love her dearly and deeply , but we are estranged . Some year in the future we may get back together and go on with our lives . " " Twenty years from now unless she decides to divorce me . It has been five years since we parted . I thought she would ask for a divorce before now , but I 'm beginning to have hopes that she will still be my wife when we reach that date . " " That is pretty personal , but I will answer . No , I can go with anyone that I am attracted to . I just don 't want to be committed when it is time to return to my wife . She has the same freedom as I do . Foolish isn 't it ? That 's the way it is though . " " Something like that . You wouldn 't be getting my heart , or not much of it anyway , because I 've already given that to Julie . Why , are you interested ? " I knew I was pushing Mrs . Crumbly , but she had been asking more personal questions than I wanted to answer . Also it was stirring up feelings in certain parts of me that I had tried to keep tamped down . " Not really . I would like two things from you . First I want you to rise up to be business manager here in the office . Of course you would have to fire Tim . He is getting bad for business because of his drinking . The other thing I would like is for you to move into my home and during your off hours , bond with my children . They need someone younger in the house . Someone to play toss and catch with , as far as Stevie is concerned . Millie needs a father figure even more than Stevie does . She is ten and just needs a man around like her peers have . " " I 'm sure . You get along with all of the salesmen except Tim . You also make more sales and your suggestions on advertising have been right on the money . You 're getting that job whether you want it or not . " " No one will ask , but I will tell them why just as I have you . Whether we become more than what the public sees we will decide at some future time . Now I 'm asking you to call me Miriam . Crumbly is a horrible name . If I hadn 't loved my husband as much as I had , I 'd have married someone else just because of the name . " Miriam smiled as she said this . She was lying , I suspected . The name was on the agency and she was proud of that . Miriam announced the change that afternoon just after lunch and left soon after . Everyone congratulated me except Tim . When everyone had gone back to their desks , I quietly asked Tim to step into my new office . He slouched in and plopped down in the chair across from my desk . " Tim do you need this job ? " " Of course I do . You 're the new boss and I know you have never liked me , so I guess I 'm out the door . " He sullenly looked at me and then down at the floor . " I 've been directed to fire you because of your drinking . Do you really need the booze or is it just habit ? Give me an honest answer . " Tim sat there and pondered . This time when he spoke , he looked me right in the eye . " I don 't know . I 'd like to think it was just habit . When Bill died , it took the heart right out of me . " " Bill was Miriam 's husband , right ? She told me one time that you were her friend before you started drinking . She asked me to fire you , not because she wants to , but because you are becoming a liability to the agency . I don 't think she really wants it to happen . Is there any way you can drive home the loss of her husband any harder than her having had to make this decision ? First she loses him and then she has to lose you too . If you could stop drinking , I 'd consider keeping you . I understand at one time you were the top salesman here . I 'd like to see you be that again . " Tim stared at me . He knew he was a red hair from not having a job . I decided to gamble and continued , " I 'm going to give you the job of insuring that building down in the tenement district . See what you can do with it . " " No . You know more about the insurance business than I do . I 'll take your figures . Just be ready to defend them . We can lay off some of it if we need to . That should help some . " Miriam had planned on being absent so she wouldn 't be around to face Tim when I fired him . Tomorrow she was going on vacation with her children . I had a lot to learn about being the manager . I think Miriam was testing me . I can say for sure , I was well tested . When Miriam returned , though , I had some impressive figures to show her . Not only that , Tim surprised her when he stepped into my office where Miriam and I were discussing business . He was surprised too because he hadn 't seen her come in either . Tim was cleaned up and clear - eyed . He stopped and looked at her and said , " Miriam I 'm so glad to see you . How was your vacation ? How are the children ? " He went to her and gave her a hug before she knew what was happening . Miriam looked over his shoulder at me . When Tim turned away from her I said , " Some of those numbers I just showed you are because of Tim . We find we are working very well together . He has helped me a lot in getting organized here in my new job . " When Tim left , Miriam turned to me . " How did you do that ? I thought he was on the skids . One of the hardest decisions I ever made was to have you fire him . I come back and he is still here and you didn 't do as I directed . How come ? " " God , no . I wish you had called me though and warned me . I almost hated coming in today knowing I wouldn 't be seeing him . He has stopped drinking too , hasn 't he ? " " Yes . I guess your husband 's death hit him harder than anyone knew . When I pointed out to him that he was hurting you , he snapped out of it . " " I 'm glad . Jake , would you like to come to dinner tonight and meet my children ? You will have to sometime . Why don 't you pack a toothbrush and some sleepwear . You can stay over if it gets late . You don 't have to , I know , but the option is there . " She hadn 't been looking at me , but she did now . I ended up staying in a two - room apartment in the back on the second floor . The kids had bedrooms on the first floor . Miriam 's bedroom was in the front , down the hall from mine . At one point Millie questioned if I was going to be her new daddy . I said no , I was already married to a lady I loved very much . That seemed to settle that for a few years anyway . The office suspected that maybe I was Miriam 's consort or concubine . Actually , she was mine as much as I was hers . She didn 't want to marry and I couldn 't , so we were a good fit for each other . I was of a later generation than Miriam and the sexual mores were much more liberal . I taught her things that her husband would have frowned on . Miriam was at first shocked by them , then acquiesced when I promised to stop at any time . Finally she demanded that they be a part of our lovemaking . This was always at night and out of sight behind closed doors . The children were perfect for me to be a companion to . My time with them kept me from remembering that I had a wife somewhere . I could hear at anytime from Mr . Burrows that Julie wanted a divorce . This was the only thing , other than not being with her , that troubled me . It was like a sword hanging over my head . I fathered the kids as best I could , learning as problems were presented . All through childhood , through puberty , and the teen - age years with all their highs and lows of heartbreak for kids growing up , I mentored them . I defended them when Miriam thought they were wrong and chastised them when they really were . The year that Millie was twenty , I had ten more years to go before seeing Julie again . As always , things don 't go as planned and are sometimes embarrassing . Millie came home crying late one night because a friend of hers had been killed in an auto wreck . Coming upstairs to find her mother for consolation , and not finding her in her room , Millie came down the hall and into my room . Thank God she hadn 't opened the door fifteen minutes earlier . Miriam and I were still basking in the afterglow of a very gratifying session . Millie whirled and left and we could hear her running down the stairs and out the front door . We didn 't hear her car start so we knew she was on the premises . I looked out the window and I could see her sitting on the garden bench down by the garage . Miriam said , " I guess I better go down and talk to her . " " No , let me . I 'm the interloper here . Besides , I think I 'm as close to her as you are and I 'm the one that will be leaving if it comes to a rift between you and her . " I slowly went down the stairs and out the door to sit beside Millie . " What 's up kid ? " I tried levity . " And that would be ? " " Do what you were doing with Mother . Don 't you know I 've wanted to do that with you ever since I first learned about sex . You 're a sanctimonious hypocrite too . Your ' oh I 'm married to a wonderful woman ' and all the time you 've been sleeping with Mom . " " Okay , you 're jealous . I can see that you might be . Jealousy is one of the worst emotions a person can have . Millie , would you come in and talk to me and your mother ? I 'll tell you some things about my life that even she doesn 't know . Before we go in , though , I want to tell you that in a few years I 'm going to make your mother very unhappy . We have great affection for each other and someday I 'm going to leave and she knows it . I have spent more of my life with this family than I have my own . It is going to hurt all of us . My commitment is to my wife . I can explain and I can ask to be forgiven , but it is going to hurt just the same . " Millie got up and took my hand and we walked slowly into the house to face Miriam who was waiting anxiously . She searched her daughter 's face for any hate that might be showing there . She didn 't find it and was very relieved . Millie gave out a wail and explained about the loss of her friend . It was another hour before attention turned back to me . Millie spoke , reminding me that I was going to tell them about my wife . I started at the beginning . " Julie came into the drugstore and applied for a job on the soda fountain . " I told them of the prom , the day when I found out Julie was pregnant , and the war between us and our parents . Then the wedding and being just eighteen and cut off from our parents . The one friend we had was Mr . Burrows and how he helped us find a place to live and gave us better jobs in his store . I told how much in love we were and how hard it was to plan for a new baby when we were always short of money . Then there was the loss of our baby boy . I broke down in tears as I told them of this . ( Both Millie and Miriam came and hugged me . ) Resuming after a bit , I explained the depression that Julie went into after finding out she could never have another child . Then about how both sets of parents wanted us to divorce more than ever . In a weak moment how Julie capitulated and said she would give me up , but wouldn 't divorce me , in return for the money for our education . In return for not divorcing , Julie promised that we wouldn 't see each other for twenty - five years . Her parents who are very religious had made her swear on a Bible . Julie said to keep our sanity and the vow that she took , I was to go out and live just as if I was single . I should find someone that would commit to me , but it would have to end before our time was up . Julie has the same freedom . How I 've lived in fear that she will find someone to replace me before we meet again . We have a date seven years from this August to meet in front of the place where we found each other - - the soda fountain . " Millie , I have chosen to become committed to your mother for a certain period of time . I wish you wouldn 't prevent me from continuing to live with her . I could say I love her , but then I can 't say I love you Miriam and still walk away someday . I can 't say it , even though I may feel otherwise . " I waited for a reaction . Millie got up and came to me . " Jake , I hope someday someone loves me like you do your Julie . Mom isn 't the only one that is going to miss you when you go to meet your wife . I just know that she will be there waiting for you . If she wasn 't after all this time - - God , wouldn 't that be too cruel ? And if Mom finds joy in your arms and you in hers , then so be it . I 'll never say another thing more about it . " Miriam decided to expand into real estate sales , to complement our insurance business . She merged with a small agency and from then on we were busier than ever . Julia was now discussed around the table between us , just as if she was someone just out of sight , not some vision of an entity that someone heard about . There was much speculation as to what Julia was up to all these years . I finally asked that we not discuss her in my presence for it troubled me too much . My wishes were reluctantly complied with . Seven more slow years to go . I received a note from Mr . Burrows , my ever faithful friend , saying that my Dad was in the hospital with a heart attack . I had not spoken to either of my parents since my graduation from college . I had invited them at that time , for they paid for it , so they had a right to see what they had purchased . After that I had no more contact with them . Pop did go in for news of me from Mr . Burrows frequently . Mom , well I didn 't even give her much thought . I made the trip home and visited with Pop when I knew Mom wouldn 't be there . Miriam and Millie traveled with me . Miriam was just a year younger than Mom . Millie was fourteen years younger than I was . Pop 's attack wasn 't as serious as first thought and he was bright , cheerful and out of pain when we reached the hospital . I introduced my traveling companions to him . He watched them as I talked to him . " Pop , you 've got a dirty mind . Let 's just say I 've known Millie since she was eight . I 've brought her up and she is one of the most wonderful , beautiful daughters a man could have . " He laughed and then turned serious . " What 's going to happen to this Miriam when you go back to Julie ? How much is she going to be hurt ? " " She will hurt , but she knows where I stand . Both of them know about Julie and both of them would love to be my wife if I asked either one . They are pulling for me , though , and both hope Julie and I do get back together . Honestly Pop , what chance do I have of that happening ? " " Pretty damn good I would say . You two have lasted apart this long and I can 't see any change coming . Don 't you bail out on your wife , either . Why in hell I didn 't put my foot down with your mother when it would have done some good , I don 't know . I 'm too weak , I guess . " I took Miriam and Millie to visit Mr . Burrows . He and Miriam hit it right off . Millie and I stood looking out the store window . Suddenly I saw this tall , distinguished gentleman holding a lady 's arm while guiding her along the street in the direction of the hospital . There was a boy of about four tripping along beside the lady holding her hand . Mr . Burrows came to stand beside me . " She is still beautiful isn 't she ? I wondered if you would see her . She has seen you already , for she was here in the store when you went by earlier . Look across the street . That man and woman are the Whites , her parents . Most of the town has ostracized them for not relenting on the vow . The town doesn 't treat your mother much better than them either . The only thing they have against your father is that he puts up with her . " Then I won 't ask about the man and boy with her . I 'm going to see Dad one more time this evening and then we are going back home . You know Mr . Burrows , you are the only one in this whole shitty mess that has kept me from going crazy . " Mom was with Pop when I returned that evening . It wasn 't in me to embarrass Mother in front of my friends . I spoke civilly to her and made introductions . I introduced Miriam as a good friend and Millie as a child that I had the honor of being a surrogate father to for the last sixteen years . Mother was curious , of course , but I offered no further explanations . Pop was sorry to see me go . I was surprised when Miriam invited Pop to visit when he got well . Mother wasn 't included and she didn 't dare ask if she was . Mom drew me out into the hall and asked me if I could ever forgive her . She was beginning to realize that she might have lost my love , and there was a good chance that she might lose Pop too . " Jake , isn 't there anyway I can get your love back ? I 'm worried about your father too . He isn 't like he used to be . It is as if he doesn 't love me much anymore . What can I do ? Please help me . " " Pop has never seen the right of what has happened to me and Julie at the hands of her parents and you . If it was just you , it would be simple , for I think you would release Julie from her vow . I don 't imagine you have any influence over the Whites , so I guess you will just have to hope for the best . I 'm sorry Mom , I don 't know what else to tell you . " Mom bowed her head and left the hospital with tears running down her cheeks . I returned to Pop 's room where he was laughing at something Miriam was saying . " What did your mother want ? I think she was pleased you spoke to her . She was afraid you might not . " " We had a conversation about me and why I didn 't love her and what it would take to bring me back . She knows , but doesn 't want to admit it . Actually she is more worried about losing you . Are you planning on leaving her ? " " No , of course I 'm not . When I signed up with her , I signed up for the full ride . Let her worry a little . She has been wrong enough so she has to sweat for some of it . " " Don 't be too harsh , Pop . You know she is ready to try and get the Whites to let up on Julie . If you threw your support in with her , it might do some good . " Miriam spoke to Pop . " Mr . Hanson , if you get where you can visit , would you bring Mrs . Hanson with you ? I think she would like to see what Jake has accomplished so far in his lifetime . I would enjoy having you both visit . " " Very much so . Not only that he has done so much for me personally . I have two children that I am so proud of and it is all due to his being a father to them . Look at Millie here . They are a perfect reflection of him and his guidance as he moved into the role of being a father . Yes , and he has made me very happy too . I am going to hate to let him go , but I realize someday I must . " Miriam turned and smiled at me . This was the first really intimate moment she had ever displayed before anyone else . I 'm glad it was my father that heard these words . As we were readying to leave , she turned back to Pop . " I left my card with Mr . Burrows . I understand you are friends . If either of you wants to be in touch , feel free to do so . " I was silent all the way back home . Home ? Where was it ? Where did I belong ? I loved these two women I was traveling with , but in a few years I was going to have to say good - bye to them . What about my wife ? Have I been foolish to abide by her vow and separate as we have , without any contact for so many years ? What a screwed up life I have ! I returned to work and poured myself into it with vigor . Things were changing in Miriam 's and my relationship , also . Where she was usually the one that came to my room , now she came very seldom . I still had needs , so I occasionally traveled down the hall to her room . When we came together she displayed a desperate clinging mood , wanting me to stay with her all night . Often , as I lay next to her , I would realize that she was softly crying . My leaving was never discussed , but I knew that she wished me to forget my wife . She wanted to beg me to stay with her , but knew it would be a foolish gesture . Another year went by , Millie was completing her college schooling in June . She was coming into the business . She was about the same age as I was when I was hired by Miriam . Stevie had one more year to go to finish his schooling and then he was joining the agency too . Miriam still gave me credit for the success of the agency . I had done so well in raising the children and keeping them interested in the business . It was planned that Millie was to take over the real estate business and Stevie would be heading up the insurance division . I hired an associate broker to complement the salesmen that were already employed . He was young , vibrant and at twenty - seven , really into the real estate business . He had worked and had been trained by his father whose agency was located in another city . Millie fell for him like a ton of bricks . Although she was eventually going to be his boss , it didn 't seem to make any difference to either one . I immediately saw the attraction between the two and as soon as I realized where this was headed , I quietly had him checked out . He looked like a perfect match for her . Only three months after Burton came through the door , he asked for Millie 's hand . Miriam swung her attention to me . I nodded my head , giving my approval of him . The date was set for the week before Christmas . " Jake , Millie has been your daughter in all but name . She would like to have you walk her down the aisle . There is one other thing . I 'm going to ask your father and mother to be here for the ceremony . I think it would be nice if Mr . Burrows came too . They will be sent invitations and I will know in a few days if they will be present . " " Thank you Miriam . I don 't know how I feel about my mother , but I 'm pleased that you thought of my father and Mr . Burrows . " Two weeks later Miriam did tell me that my parents had answered and Mr . Burrows said he would join them in traveling to the wedding . It was a beautiful wedding and Millie was lovely . I was somewhat mystified in one thing . Miriam had a man slightly older than her who she said was a friend . He looked somewhat familiar , but I could have sworn I had never met him . He did sit at the head table with the wedding party . Miriam and he talked together almost constantly to the point of me occasionally having to update Miriam on what was going on in the hall . Their eyes would sometimes pass over me as they talked and I had the feeling I was being discussed . This Mr . Jameson left before the reception wound down and even before the wedded couple left on their honeymoon . Mr . Burrows and Dad were duly impressed with where I worked and the respect everyone showed me . I could see the pride shining in their eyes . Mom was very quiet all the while she was here . I think she suspected that I was more than a surrogate father in the family . Miriam did treat me more like a husband than just someone she knew . That set me thinking about my situation . I made the decision that I would stop going down the hall to see Miriam at night , and this continued through Christmas . I spent New Year 's eve with Miriam in front of the fireplace . I kissed her and said I was going to bed . She rose with me . " Jake , I 'm coming down to your room with you . You haven 't been to my room for weeks and I am feeling the need for company tonight . If you don 't feel like making love to me , we can just lay side - by - side . " I took another shower and for once Miriam joined me , something she had never done before . When we reached the bed , we wasted no time in damping down the fires that had been stoked in the shower . " You never did that before - - take a shower with me . That was fun . Why tonight ? " " I have a feeling there won 't be many more chances for us to enjoy each other . You 've been a wonderful lover through the years we have been together . Since we saw your wife a little more than a year ago , you have been more reticent in making love to me . I 'm going to miss you terribly , Jake . I have never spoken of love between us , but tonight I am . I love you more than you can ever realize . You are my light and have been in my thoughts most every day . I can 't tell you how much I appreciate how you have brought up Millie and Stevie . " The agency - - you have made it more yours than mine . If you were going to be here forever I would give it to you . I had a long talk with your parents and Mr . Burrows . They are working on your behalf in getting your wife 's foolish vow rescinded . So far there hasn 't been much progress , but don 't give up the hope that you will have a chance to rejoin your wife . Within the next year he thinks . Mr . Burrows feels that even if Julie and you have to wait the full time , she will still be there for you . Please just don 't give up hope . " " I do know something , but it is too early to tell you about it . I absolutely don 't want to sever what we have together . I do think it best that we do stop doing what we did tonight though . Can you live here with me knowing we won 't be intimate again ? " " Of course , there is so much more I enjoy about you than the sex . Believe it or not , I decided after the wedding that I wouldn 't travel the hall to your room unless I was asked . You are here tonight and it won 't be over until the sun comes up on a new day . Will you stay with me and we can watch it come up together ? " The twenty - seventh of January I received a letter in the mail from my home town . It was from the Most Reverend Pastor James of the Franklin Pentecostal Church of God . I smiled at the title before I opened to the contents . Anything to show how close to God you are , I guess . Dear Mister Jacob Hanson , I have been newly installed as pastor of this holy church of God . It has been brought to my attention by various members of my congregation that for twenty years you have been bound by a vow . This was foisted on you by a previous pastor of this church . As times change , something like this has to be looked at to see if it still applies . Although you are not the principal that swore the vow , you were and still are very much affected by it .

( But oops , my first draft was almost done when poof , 1am Sunday morning it disappeared . So this afternoon I started writing it all over again . But oops , it got published before I am anywhere near finished , not proof - read , not illustrated . So here we are . I will work to get it finished sometime Monday , maybe . ) " Houston , we have a problem . " He 'd tried to send a text while being wrestled down by a three year old and grabbing fingernail polish away from a five year old , but Gabriel needed to hear an adult voice . It wasn 't the first time he 'd sent that text to his best friend Houston , his head of Man Power Management for his company . However , as he escaped into the kitchen while putting the fingernail polish up on a high shelf , he punched the call through . " Yeah , they aren 't the problem , " he spoke as quietly as he could so his kids couldn 't hear him , " but their mother just dumped them off . She also handed me the papers on her way out giving me the custodial parental rights . I guess she 's off to Hawaii with her most recent interest and can 't be bothered with her children . " " Thanks , yeah . It 's just that I 'm not ready . You know me , I 'm a planner . I like to have things without complications . I mean I hadn 't anticipated it happening this way . I was collecting the records of all her non - shows , records of her maternal failures , but I didn 't see this coming . Mrs . Setters their babysitter is gone for all of December . There aren 't any openings in the preschool for little Chris , and the school said I should wait to enroll Maisie until January . I need you to put out an ad for child care . " It 's pretty bad . He was super late picking his kids up from our center 's day care , and when he did show up he was way drunk . The staffer who had waited with the kids after hours tried to keep him from putting them in the car . I 'm not sure yet if it was sexual harassment , assault , or what , but she did call the police . They at least are pressing child endangerment and drunk drinking charges . I 'm still sorting out the rest . I finally got ahold of Sharon to come pick up the kids , and I got him out on bail . However , the woman is insisting that she won 't work here as long as Michael is the boss . . . Wait a minute . How much are you willing to pay for a certified child care worker ? " " Are you thinking she might take the job up here ? I 'd be willing to pay what she 's making there with a moving bonus , and I 'd be happy to throw in housing in the apartment over the garage to sweeten the deal . Do you think she 'd move ? " " I don 't know . She 's single , but I don 't know if she has a boyfriend or family in the area . She 's coming into my office now , so I 'll get back to you . " " Ahh , you got me , " Gabe went down after being shot by a suction cup arrow to his knee while his little wild Indian gave a war whoop . That brought his little nurse to come running with a Barbie bandaid for his knee . Soon they piled back on elbowing him in the face and jumping on his stomach . This is what it is all about , he sighed . After they ran off , he still laid on the floor of his kitchen thanking God for his children . It had been a long time coming . He didn 't bother to wipe the tear that slipped out of the corner of one eye to run down his jaw to drip coldly onto his neck . Later that night , Houston called back . " She said she is strongly considering it . I 'll have the company lawyer draw up an agreement with her concerning her accusations against your brother in order for it not to come back on the company . When I spoke with her on the phone a few minutes ago , I think she 's willing to sign it and let it drop as long as he is facing the other charges . I 'll get back to you in the morning to let you know . " " Just put it in my Christmas bonus , boss , " he laughed . " But I 'll have to admit , I wasn 't feeling it waiting in the police station trying to get your brother out of jail . He 's crashed at my place because Sharon won 't let him come back home . He might have just used up his last chance with her , and can 't say as I blame her . She 's pretty mad . " " I tried to get him to go to a rehab before . Maybe now he 'll listen . We need to put him on an extended leave of absence and put our V . P . manager in charge . Thanks again for going above and beyond , Houston . I hope he didn 't throw up in your car again this time . " Gabriel sat on the side of his bed with his head in his hands . It would have made his dad sick to see how he and his brother 's lives had turned out , his messy divorce and Michael 's drinking problem not to mention the impending doom of his brother 's marriage as well . " Oh , Lord , please help my brother because I sure can 't . " He hoped God would still hear a prayer prayed through gritted teeth . The next morning he grabbed the phone when Houston called . He was making pancakes for his kids which were only black on one side . So he 'd served them brown side up and their discerning palates were pacified with lots of syrup . Everywhere he looked was a mess with batter drippings , dirty mixing bowls and skillet , sticky plates and milk glasses . He sighed happily as he took his friend 's call while juggling the phone between his ear and shoulder and wiping his kids syrupy fingers . He pointed them into the family room to watch cartoons . " Good news , Gabe . She said she 's willing to move . She also signed the agreement freeing up the company from charges . She 's still thinking about what to do about those pending with your brother though . In fact , I 'll come up with her Saturday to help her move . " " Thanks , Houston . It couldn 't have happened without your capable hands . But are you sure she 'll be a good fit up here ? I mean , these are my children we 're talking about . " " Don 't worry . She 'll be perfect . The staff and parents are going to be pretty upset to find out she 's leaving . But she agreed that a speedy departure would be best so as to not have to answer too many questions . " " Okay then , I 'll see you tomorrow . I rearranged my schedule so I could take today off for the kids . This couldn 't happen in a more timely fashion . Bye . " Just then little Chris came in barking while Maisie had a rope tied to his belt loop to walk him . We want a puppy for Christmas , Daddy ! " Little Chris would lose his pants soon , so he untied the rope . " No puppies are coming in Santa 's sack this year . Sorry kids . Why don 't you go play something else now . " Then when he came back from putting in a load of laundry , Maisie was being pulled across the kitchen by little Chris with a rope tied to the chair 's legs . " Where do they get all this rope ? " he muttered . Maisie had stuffed a couch pillow in her shirt while his son had colored his nose red . " Well , she 's not here and you are in the Kingdom of Dad now . I can 't let you help me fight dragons later if you watch that junk . " He switched it to old Tom and Jerry cartoons instead . Gabriel dragged the coffee table across the room , through the kitchen and out into the garage . A stupid piece of dangerous furniture wasn 't going to make him lose custody of his kids : no split open heads would be allowed . His wife had drug him to court too many times on false charges enough to make him wary . His lawyer had proved the charges false every time , but he wasn 't going to take any chances . It had gotten so bad that he 'd begun taken a picture of them leaving his house before going back to their mother 's every time to prove that they were injury free just for the record . Looking around the messy kitchen , he rolled up his sleeves and took a deep breath . " I 'm going in ! " But before he 'd loaded the dishwasher , the doorbell rang . When he answered , his mouth hung open like a nutless nutcracker . " I 'm here to see my precious grandchildren , of course . I can 't believe my daughter . She has the maternal instincts of a turtle , just laying her eggs and abandoning them to go sun somewhere on a beach . " " I flew , but don 't worry , I got a room at the Holiday Inn Express . If I had known that Chris Senior was going to die six months after we moved to the sunny state , I would never have gone there . Since my son is stationed in the Middle East and still single , and since Suzette is who knows where , I hoped to be able to spend Christmas with Maisie and little Chris . They are all I have . There they are ! " Gabe hesitated , not sure if it was a good or a bad thing to have her here . He didn 't really have a problem with Madge other than she was a bit eccentric and opinionated . Yet , his kids deserved to have a grandmother in their lives . His mother was in Papua New Guinea and the kids hardly knew her . So he nodded his head . He went in to make sure his kids were dressed decently . He couldn 't find any matching socks for little Chris , but he hoped it wouldn 't show underneath his pants . Maisie put on a sweater dress but pulled her tutu on over it . She always looked cute in it , so he helped brush her hair and put on a headband . There . Even a grandmother would think she looked adorable . " We 'll be back later , " and with that , she went out the door holding a grandchild 's hand in each of hers before he could even kiss his kids good bye . He could hear his son 's gleeful shout , " It 's a real yellow taxi ! Cool ! " Then a quiet echoed so loudly that it hurt his ears . He missed his kids already . He had a moment of panic wondering if she would bring them back , but calmed himself over a second cup of coffee before tackling the rest of the dishes . Now he could figure out something for dinner . He 'd ordered in pizza the last two nights and didn 't think he could stomach more peperoni . So he stuck his head in the freezer . Empty , not counting ice cubes . He wished refrigerators had a gauge on the door like a gas gauge to show when it was on empty . Well , it was a choice between hot dogs , mac and cheese , or chicken noodle soup unless he made a run to the grocery store . He hated to go to the grocery store . Even worse , it was like open hunting season when a single man was seen sprinting through the aisles . Every single woman , or woman who was single , could spot him yards away , from babes in the woods to cougars . He 'd learned to say , " It 's nice to see you , Joy . Oh look , there 's the rutabagas ! " or " Hello , Jenny . Excuse me , but I just learned that the Bullwinkle cereal has the highest sugar content , and I need to get some for my kids . " But when he saw Pamela , he slowed down from his Indy 500 pace and was ready to make a pit stop . He ignored a yellow flag of caution in the back of his brain . " I didn 't know you shopped here , Pam . " He could at least look at her around the basket of fruits and vegetables which hung from her arm . " Umm . . . You 're looking cold . Don 't you need a coat or something " She just laughed like it was the best joke in the world . " Hi , Gabe ! I was just thinking of you . I heard about your office party coming up . " His shirt suddenly seemed tight around his neck . " Sure . Just give me your number and address , and I 'll pick you up at seven . " They both got out their phones and exchanged information . He realized he was still staring at her as his life passed before his eyes , but it had stalled at the thought that he hadn 't even bought his kids Christmas presents yet to remember him by . " Oh , sorry . I just remembered that I still need to shop for my kids for Christmas . " He kicked himself all the way to the cash register and all the way home . Pamela was the last person he should ask out . Someone needed to wrap her in yellow tape that said , " Danger , danger , danger ! He 'd already married a piece of eye candy once , and it led to a sticky divorce between two stupid adults who had left scars on the tender hearts of two precious children . By the time he got back from the mall , he felt like he 'd just been through marine training exercises . All he knew was that he 'd worked up a sweat just carrying shopping bags on both arms . Not only that , but somehow he 'd been tricked into buying her a ridiculously high priced bottle of perfume that smelled like l ' eau de skunk . When she dabbed it on her wrists and asked him if he liked it , he 'd flunked his manhood test and just nodded like a bobble head . He still had the headache to prove it . He stuffed the bags up on his closet shelf and went into the kitchen . He 'd forgotten all about cooking dinner . He 'd kick it up and make chili dogs , his specialty . After all , he 'd remembered to buy a can of chili . " The paper plates are over there . " He waved the spatula towards the island . When she came back in she said , " I saw you in the mall with that woman . " " It is ? " he squeaked . " She 's not . . . we aren 't . . . I haven 't dated her yet . I just asked her to go to the office Christmas party . Today . In the grocery store . " " I see . I think I remember her as one of my daughter 's friends , however . So , be careful . You should never date someone you would not consider as wife material . The children should not be drug through another bad marriage . " " I agree whole - heartily . I just ran into her at the supermarket , and the woman tricked me into asking her out . I never intended to , believe you me . " " It 's just an observation . I 'm not accusing you . I believe you were the injured party in the divorce , well the children too , but that goes without saying . I don 't know where I went wrong with my daughter , " she said as she munched on a potato chip . " It blind - sided me , that 's for sure . I thought everything was going great . I made enough to make us more than comfortable . I came home and helped with the cooking , with the laundry , and with the kids and even quit going to the gym to have more time as a family . But she said she needed the break and kept going spending more and more time there . I guess that 's where the innocent flirting , turned into not so innocent . People tried to tell me , but I didn 't believe them until she quit coming home at night . I felt sucker punched in the gut . " " And now , she 's on her third boyfriend since then . It is so sad . I 'm glad she made you the custodial parent finally . I 'm the one who had my lawyer help her draw up the papers . It wasn 't good for the children to see her with so many different men . " " I am so very grateful , Madge . It kept me awake most nights worrying and praying . " " Well , the children seem happy . " " I 'm getting a new child care provider tomorrow . She 'll be living in the apartment over the garage . " " That 's great ! I 'll probably go visit some of my friends then while the children bond with her . But how about if I take you all out for dinner so I can meet her . " " Sounds good . " He called the children in to eat then . Maisie said a cute prayer thanking God for every single thing that was in the entire mall before thanking God for letting her grandma come to see them while the food grew cold . They jabbered with their mouths full about seeing Santa at the mall , and about all the things they saw and wanted . He realized then that he had not gotten one single one of those things when he shopped with Pamela . He wasn 't quite sure what he had gotten since his eyes glazed over after the first ten minutes . " By the way , just so you know , Gabriel , " Madge said waving her fork dripping with ketchup like blood , children can choke on hot dogs . I always cut my children 's up in small pieces . " Evidently she still cut them up in small bites so she could eat them minus the bun and minus the chili , just dipping them in ketchup instead . " " Just then he inhaled and a piece of hot dog and it got stuck in his throat . He coughed and hit himself on the chest until he could breathe again . " I did not know that , " he sputtered feeling his eyes watering . Somehow , his children lived through their dangerous dinner , but he was forewarned for next time . " Hey , let 's stop here and get out , " he suggested at the end of one block . It was a lit up nativity scene painted on plywood with cutout holes to stick heads through for pictures . The shepherds and angels and sheep were low enough for the children to use . " I want to be a puppy . Why can 't I be a puppy ? " little Chris pouted . " I don 't want to be a sheep . " The rest of the tour of lights they sang Christmas songs boisterously , only little Chris didn 't remember all the words and sang , " Bring us some piggy pudding , " and " Chris the King . " He didn 't know that the song wasn 't about him . Gabriel had really flunked as the spiritual head of his household . Somewhere along the way , they had drifted away from church . He needed to set that right . " But we 're not a family . We want a family again , like Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus , " she insisted . If she 's pretty , Daddy , you can ask her , can 't you ? " So he walked out with Houston to her car parked by the apartment . " Holly , this is Gabriel Hanson . He 's the owner and boss over both branches of Hanson Enterprises . " The woman lost her smile faster than a mime wiping his hand in front of his face to change expressions . She glared at Houston . " You didn 't tell me it was a family business , that Michael is his brother . " Gabriel decided he needed to talk fast . " I 'm very sorry and apologize for the terrible things my brother put you through . You did the right thing calling the police . Our father had a better vision for his company than that . " " Well , she 's something else , pretty , feisty , and great with kids . You should have seen her stand up to your brother and the way she protected your two nephews . It was quite the scene at the police station . " " You what ! Pamela ? " Houston chortled . " That 's not like you . I thought you 'd had enough of the spiked heel variety of the female species . " " Your ex - mother - in - law ! How 's that going ? " " Actually , better than I thought it would . She said that Suzette had the mothering instincts of a turtle which lays its eggs and crawls off . " They both hooted . " I think we got it all . Come up and check out the apartment to see if it 's adequate , " Gabriel said . He was glad he 'd had his cleaning lady make it sparkle this week . The kids followed up behind her like Tigger and Roo , but she stopped in the doorway . He caught his son before he tumbled back down the stairs . " Oh my , this is so much more than I imagined . It 's quite nice . Your home is too , by the way . The kids showed me through it . " His mind buzzed back wondering if he had made the beds . No . If he had left his dirty underwear on his bathroom floor . Yes . He sure hoped the kids gave the nickel tour , not the whole quarter one . Gabriel quickly tried to change the subject . " The children 's grandmother has offered to take us all out for dinner . She flew in from Florida to spend Christmas with her grandchildren . " The restaurant was one within walking distance of Madge 's hotel . She was waiting for them and had a reserved table waiting . He made the introductions and added , " It 's awfully nice of you to ask us all here , Madge . You remember Houston , don 't you ? " His children were the best behaved he 'd ever seen them in a restaurant . Little Chris sat between his grandmother and Holly coloring on his placemat , while Maisie leaned up against her . She was looking up at her with an adoring eye . Holly slipped an arm around his daughter as naturally as if she 'd done it every day of their lives . Madge held up her menu to block the thumbs up she gave him where Holly couldn 't see . After the waitress took their orders , his son piped up , " Daddy says he can marry our babysitter if she 's pretty enough . She 's pretty enough , isn 't she , Daddy ? " He spit out his water across the table . Houston was silently wheezing in laughter that would soon come straight out his belly . Madge covered her grinning mouth with her napkin while Holly picked up her steak knife looking intimidatingly dangerous . Maisie just looked back and forth . If he knew his daughter , she 'd think a marriage proposal would be coming right up . " I never said that ! That was what Maisie said . But I said , we 'd be the three Wise Men , not the holy family . . . Never mind . He looked off watching the blinking Christmas lights changing colors in the restaurant 's window . He was sure he was lit up like a red light bulb himself . " Finally their laughter at his expense , which even Miss Holly had joined in , died down . When they got back , Houston crashed on his couch , not in a hurry to leave . " I 'm beat . After dealing with your brother until late last night , I 'm too tired to drive back , if that 's okay with you . The next morning , Gabriel walked yawning into the kitchen in his flannel sleep pants needing his coffee . But Holly had beat him to it as she cradled a cup in her hands standing there in her flannel night shirt . " I tried not to wake you , and I hope you don 't mind , but there wasn 't a coffee maker that I could find in the apartment . " He slapped his head . " I forgot . My mother 's not a coffee drinker , so we never put one up there . Sorry about that . I 'll get you one of those single serve coffee makers as soon as I can . " Then he stood there nervously trying to cover up his toe nails before she noticed . " Nice paint job . I 'll have to ask Maisie to do mine , " she grinned . " Yeah , next time I want snowflakes , " he jested . He ran his hand through his hair . There he stood in all of his unwashed , uncombed , un - toothbrushed glory . At least he had pretty toenails . She on the other hand didn 't need a thing to make herself look more beautiful . He swallowed hard . He had not bargained for this . " I made a whole pot . I figured you and Houston would want some when you woke up , but I better run upstairs to get ready for church . Are you sure you have room for me ? " Of course , my car has six seats , so it 's no problem . " Then she pulled her coat on and went out the back door . He watched her through the French doors walking away while he drank his coffee . " Not really . If she doesn 't warm up quickly , then I 'm out of here . There 's too many miles between us for a lackluster relationship . " " Yeah . " His friend scowled . Houston had been through a bad break up with a girl who he thought was the one . " But you 're no better . You haven 't been on a date since your divorce , then you ask Pamela of all people ! " " Just like old times when you were my closet - robbing roommate , huh ? Sure , help yourself . But I get the first shower ! " They stared at each other then bolted . Houston beat him to the bathroom elbowing him out of the way with a jab to the ribs . Soon he could hear the shower running . So he drank Houston 's cup of coffee after finishing his own . His friend would have to settle for the awful stuff that always came out of church coffee pots . He went and got his children up and dressed . It was going to be a cold cereal kind of morning . When they got to church , he took the kids to the children 's department . Houston was scowling at his Styrofoam cup of coffee like it was poison when he got back . Then they went into the sanctuary and sat like guard dogs on either side of Miss Holly almost growling when other young men came over to introduce themselves . He felt positively Neanderthalish . These fresh - faced whipper - snappers were still wet under the ears , as his grandpa would say , while he felt ancient in comparison . That irritated him to no end , but he had no idea why and refused to think about it . He could tell Houston was feeling the same way . They caught each other 's eye over her head and fist bumped behind her . It was a man - thing . A few young ladies did come to greet them as well , some giving Houston the once over . They 'd given up on him . He was no longer fresh meat . Madge looked over at them and gave a little smirky wave . He 'd forgotten this was her church . He should have picked her up . Well , he 'd take them all out to dinner , his treat . He just hoped his kids didn 't let loose any more bombshell conversation starters again . " Oh no ! " he groaned . But he stood and made introductions . Madge could smooth anything over and made pleasant small talk with the woman , which Gabriel was incapable of at the moment . It was like at least ten clothespins kept his lips shut tightly . Fortunately , their table was full and he wouldn 't need to ask her to join them . He breathed a deep sigh of relief when she went to sit elsewhere . " Wow , did you see that lady 's claws ? " Evidently little Chris had been awed into silence while she had been talking at their table . Madge decided to help him color his placemat before any more jewels fell from his lips . " Those were fingernails , silly . I thought they were pretty , but not as pretty as yours , Miss Holly , " Maisie said . " I like this color red . " Gabriel agreed . Pamela could have fed ten hungry children for a month on what it cost to have her nails done , gold tipped and all . " Thank you , " Holly responded . " That was a nice thing to say . I 've seen some of your nail painting work . You 're quite good , " she grinned up at him while he blushed almost as bright as the color on her nails . Houston looked at him totally perplexed . Good . Let him stay that way . Tonight he was getting the nail polish remover out and kissing snowmen goodbye ! On the way home after dropping Madge off , he asked if Holly would mind meeting him in the kitchen to go over their work arrangement . He set the kids in front of a Christmas movie since it was clouding over outside . Houston took a reluctant leave looking wistfully at Holly before he left . She never saw it . He made coffee and sat down across from her . " I just want to make sure we 're on the same page so we don 't run into too many complications . The most important things in my life , are my two kids , besides God , of course . I want to give them a sense of security in our home . They 've been batted back and forth between my house and my wife 's , but she finally gave me primary custodial rights . Up until now , I 've just had an occasional sitter . I have all the important numbers posted on the frig . You can put them in your phone . I was hoping you won 't mind doing the grocery shopping and feeding the children breakfast and lunch and occasionally making us dinner , but only if you have time . " " I can tell I need to save you from fast food overgrazing , " she giggled . " Sorry , that wasn 't very professional . " He grinned back at her . " I deserve that . But I 'll try to call before I come home to see if I need to bring take - out . The maid comes on Thursdays . . . " " You have a maid ? You mean , you don 't need me to clean your house for you ? " " She washes a load of sheets and towels and sometimes a couple loads of the kids ' if she has time . I do my own . Since there 's not a laundry room in your apartment , you can use ours here in the house . " She looked at him for a moment before taking a deep breath . Then she began talking . " The first time I was placed in foster care was when I was five . " " Well , my brother and I went back and forth to different foster homes , then back to our parents before they finally lost parental rights . When I was in seventh grade , a family finally thought I was worth keeping . They also ran a day - care , and I loved working with the children . So , after I graduated high school , they invited me to stay with them until I got my AA degree and my preschool teacher certification . " " We were put in different homes since he was older . Now I 've lost him . I still try to find him online , but so far , no luck . So , it 's just me . " He finally got a big smile out of her . Besides , Madge would love to have your help in the kitchen . She 's planning on a turkey with all the fixings for Christmas Eve , and then just leftovers on Christmas day . " " Alright then . I 'd love to help her . She 's a very nice lady . " Welcome to my blog ! We raised three children then fost - adopted three more , two of whom are at home . I 'm a grandmother of sixteen , have 36 years experience as a pastor 's wife , married to my man over 40 years . I 've authored a book and have my other books as e - books on amazon kindle . I was an art major at Point Loma College and still like to dabble , read , write , garden , travel , enjoy my family , and am learning to cook gluten free . My pug Max and old Sweetie weiner dog and cat are my comic relief . Please comment or request to be a facebook friend . I 'd love to hear from you . " Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart . " Wordsworth Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . " Nest , " is a more serious work of historical fiction weaving Cherokee history with that of early Tennessee and the twist of those known as Welsh Indians . It is a path back through the tragedy of Native American history with redemption as a young woman is caught between worlds trying to find true love . " As Good As Engaged " is a fun short story of a Texas campmeeting romance set in the late 1870 's . What would you do if you were raised to think that a kiss was as good as engaged when a wild cowboy steals one ? Tifani " Oh , Susannah " is named for Susannah Wesley , mother of John and Charles Wesley who lived in the 1700 's but who is an inspiration for Christian women today . We will include writings of her life , spiritual inspiration , quotes from poetic thinkers , photography , art , crafts , recipes , insights for mothers and marriage , and church life ideas . We hope to illustrate how the beauty of holiness can be infused into everyday life , whereas " The absence of beauty hardens the heart . " ( Kate Morton ) Susannah Wesley was born in 1670 in a time of great turmoil of religion . Her father was a non - conformist leader of the Dissenters from the Church of England when one could be expelled from their parish , not allowed to teach or tutor , be fined and jailed . However , at age 13 , Susannah chose the Church of England . At age 19 she married Samuel Wesley then bore 17 children including John Wesley , the founder of the Methodist and holiness churches , and his brother Charles , a prolific hymn writer . She home schooled her surviving children , even preached in her kitchen to over a hundred , more than attended her husband 's services . When she refused to pray for the king , her husband declared he could not abide under the same roof , and thus began a year 's separation while he left on " official church business , " until the king died and it became a moot point . Her children knew not to bother mother while she sat daily in her kitchen with her apron over her face having her devotions . Somehow , Susannah carved out an hour each week to spend individually with each of her many children . Later we will give her list of child raising principles . Thus a woman who bore 17 children , endured great poverty and tragedies , left such a legacy and influence on those whose creed we share with her deep thoughts and life . Oh , Susannah !

Introduction : This is the first chapter to my next story . I wrote it now to submit to the CAW 11 . I 'm posting it here as a preview of what 's next . Storms Rock She was running down the street , fleeing for her life , the whistling man was behind her somewhere following her in the dark . She was running down an alley in the dark , she was completely lost and all she could see were a number of English style buildings on both sides of her . She came out of the alley and turned onto a sidewalk near a park , there was fog rolling in on the street ahead of her and a fence made of metal and rope lined the park to her side . The trees on the other side of the fence scared her more than the man following her , their branches hung low made the street seem sinister almost . With the emptiness of the street and the enveloping fog she almost turned around , but the man was somewhere back there . She had stopped running when she had turned onto the side walk , her heart was racing and she had to slow down , but she kept her pace as quick and steady as she could . She began to hope that maybe she had lost the whistling man she hadn 't heard him for several blocks now . She looked behind her and couldn 't see anyone down the whole length of the sidewalk , she breathed out in relief but ash her focus turned forward again . She began to run again when she stepped down wrong twisting her ankle , she cried out in pain but didn 't let it stop her . She continued to walking wincing in pain with every step only then did she hear the footsteps behind her and the man whistling . Michelle Hathaway woke suddenly ; she didn 't know how long she had been out . Her head was buzzing and she had lingering images of the dream she had been having . As she came back to her senses she shook the image of the sidewalk , the park and the whistling man out of her head . It was dark outside and she was face down lying on the back seat of a car , she couldn 't remember how she had ended up on the floor but she lay there now . She tried to push herself up which resulted in both her head and her arm sending a shooting pain through her . Looking at her arm and trying to move slightly she concluded that her arm was broken . Trying again with her other arm she pulled herself up from the floor to the back seat . She had to rest there a moment her head was throbbing and she reached up to touch it . It was only then she realized she was bleeding . Cradling her bad arm she crawled into the front seat to check on her best friend and her mother . " Oh god . . . . . . " she cried out loud . Her best friend and her Mom had been the only family she had since her father had killed her own Mother . They were both dead . The impact of the car accident had hit them so hard that they were both torn up from broken glass . Both of the faces Michelle loved were broken and bleeding . Tears were flowing now from her eyes ; she slowly crawled out of the car and sat down on the curb nearby . She had a clear look at the car from outside even in the dark she realized it was a wonder she survived the crash herself . They had crashed straight into a brick wall of an office building . If Michelle hadn 't been sleeping in the backseat when it happened , she shuttered to think of what would have been . Her arm was excruciating but she tried to not to think about that now , at least she was still here ; she started to sob for her friends . Then the worst thought hit her , she was stuck here in Storms Rock with no car , no money , and she couldn 't turn to anyone she knew in town . She knew it had been a bad idea for her to ride with them to see her best friend off to college . She knew if her father ever got out and knew where to find her he would finish the job he started the night he tried to kill her and had killed her mom . Michelle sat for a long time before looking at her watch 2 : 00 a . m . It was really the sound of a passing motorist stopping that made her look up . The motorist got out of her car and went to Michelle first , she was saying something to her but Michelle didn 't hear . The woman walked to the car turned looked inside and threw up ; she pulled out her cell phone and called the paramedics . Then the woman sat down with Michelle and asked what had happened and what her name was . Michelle didn 't answer the woman but didn 't know why the shock of the whole situation was too much , but it wasn 't that holding her back from asking question . Without her best friend she had nowhere to live and nothing to go back too , a plan was beginning to form in her head , but could she really go through with it ? The sound of sirens could be heard in the distance minutes later . Michelle was still lost inside her own thoughts she had no one she had burnt so many bridges in both Storms Rock and West End she was running out of options . Michelle had quite literally screwed her way through high school she never thought about the future and had , had a different guy every few weeks . She wished right now she would have spent less time sleeping around and more studying with her best friend . While she was out at night looking to be loved her best friend had earned scholarships that would pay for years of college . It was funny how she had never really thought about it before now . She had been looking for love and only finding sex . She realized right then that she would never find another boy like her first love and she needed to stop looking and think about herself from now on . With cops and paramedics on the way Michelle 's plan fully formed in her head and she made a snap decision . Since her reconstructive surgery she looked so much like her best friend that people often got them mixed up . She had hated that people confused them , as much as she loved her best friend she liked being her own person but now in this moment she realized that she had a second chance to start completely over again . It was a chance most people never got handed to them and it was staring her in the face . All the events of her life seemingly horrible and random had created this one moment in time for her to start all over again . Without warning and startling the woman trying to talk to her , Michelle shot up ignoring the pain and ran back to the car . She pulled her best friend 's purse from the car . She slipped hers next to her best friend it was that moment the ambulance arrived . Slowly , cradling her arm , she pulled herself out of the car again . Paramedics immediately started work . One of the men came to her and despite the pain she told them to look into the car first , Michelle was sure they were dead but she wanted the paramedics to look after them first . It was only minutes later another ambulance arrived and began to treat her arm and head . Dan Alinder woke with a headache . His temples were throbbing and his back was stiff from driving the day before . He realized it was his alarm that brought him out of sleep this morning . It couldn 't really be morning yet could it ? He turned his head and looked at the time . It had to have been going off for about 10 minutes before he finally snapped out of sleep . That explained he headache . He reached over and turned off his alarm , hitting the shelf it was sitting on a little too hard . He was rewarded with a stack of pop cans landing on him from the shelf above . He rolled over slowly pushing cans out of his way and put his feet on the floor , holding his head in his hands . God help him he didn 't want this day to begin , his problems he left behind were waiting for him today , and he would have no choice but to deal with them . Slowly he stood up and walked to his bathroom stubbing his toe on his dresser as he past , he cursed out loud and held his foot for a moment . He looked himself over in the mirror once making inside the bathroom . He was six feet tall with an average build . He wasn 't over weight but he really didn 't have the amount of muscle definition like some of his friends had . He ran his hand across his face he hadn 't shaved all summer and had a beard going . It was the first time in his life he had ever grown one out , he decided it had to go . He made up his mind to keep the front and shave down to a goatee , with that decided he looked away from himself and headed to the shower . Amber Cordell woke up alone in an empty apartment . Her alarm clock was going off on the other side of the room but she couldn 't gather the will to get up and turn it off . This was the point of course of why she put it on the other sided the room . The beep beep beep was drilling into her head yet she still refused to move . She wanted to pull the covers up over her head and hide today . She so desperately wanted to see him but was scared at the same time . Today they would pick up where they left off ? Or he would finally just end things with her ? Either way she was tired of waiting . Even if it meant it was over she would confront him and find out what happened and force him to decide . Finally letting out a dull moan she couldn 't stand the alarm sound anymore ; she stood up and walked across the room to turn it off . She fell back on her bed sitting on the edge still thinking of him . She was so mad at him for leaving right now but her body had such a need to see him , to be with him she could feel herself getting wet . She closed her eyes and leaned back on the bed , her fingers finding your moist slit and sliding inside . She remembered back to the first time they had made love and her body shuddered with pleasure at the memory . Amber began to use her other hand to rub her clit at the same time her fingers did their magic . Her orgasm hit her strong only moments later . The memory of her lost virginity always made her cum faster . She lay back on the bed panting for a few minutes before finally deciding it was time for a shower . She didn 't bother to dress heading to the bathroom she knew her roommates hadn 't returned home yet so dressing seemed unimportant . She was really proud of her body . She was 5foot 8inchs and very slender . In fact most people assumed she had an eating disorder to stay this thin . It wasn 't the case she was just lucky . She looked down at her body as she walked feeling content . Her looks had never been a problem even if she only had B - cup boobs . She was happy with herself now . He had helped her with that last year , she shuttered at the thought that he might not love her after everything they had gone through . She wanted him to talk to her and to finally make a decision but loved him too much to let go . She had really hoped that her roommates would 've returned home last night . It had been a lonely couple months without her friends or boyfriend around . Not that it mattered much she guessed anyway . Her roommate Crystal never sat still long enough to talk anyway . Crystal always had about 3 boyfriends at a time and was always out . Lindsey on the other hand was out with her girlfriend most nights and when she was home she would spend most her time hitting on Amber . She realized that college was a time to experiment but she still didn 't swing that way . But with her boyfriend gone company was company . " She doesn 't like me , " he explained , " She likes Dan . She thinks I 'm her chauffeur . She wouldn 't even need me for that if her license hadn 't been suspended . " " Well it doesn 't matter , " he said smiling at her , " I have a crush on someone else . " He rolled over on to her and kissed her , " Besides she 's my step - sister . " " I know , " she said pulling him in for a deeper kiss . Dan showered shaved and dressed stepped out of his room . He was dressed in a t - shirt , jeans and a pair of new high tops . He fumbled pointlessly around the kitchen , knowing that he hadn 't had time to go grocery shopping yet . He decided he would have to stop on the way to school . " Big Brother , " exclaimed an excited call from behind him . He turned only just in time to have his sister throw her arms around him pulling him into a big hug . She was always affectionate with him . " I know . . . . . . . . But it 's COLLEGE ! ! ! " She practically yelled and bounced out of the room , " I 'll be ready to go really quick don 't leave without me . " Dan watched her walk away ; she was wearing only a t - shirt and a pair of shorts . He had to admit she had really grown up in the last year he had been away . Her legs had finally filled out and were now quiet shapely . What the hell am I thinking ? Dan wandered as she disappeared out of sight , that 's my sister ! He decided to put it out of his head . She had grown into a beautiful young woman there was no harm in simply acknowledging that . It wasn 't that he didn 't love his sister , but he had lived there for 4 years , it was his home now . But his parents did pay for his college and for his apartment so he wasn 't in much of a place to argue . They had got him the apartment when they had left Storms Rock his senior year of high school . They all decided that he was old enough to stay there and finish school since he had already been accepted to Stormbrook College . It didn 't make sense to make him move away across state just to come back in a couple months . Dan might have put up more of a fight over Laney , but she had come to stay with him last summer and Laney had never told his parents about what really was going on . So he did kind of owe her one . That had been the last time he had seen any of his family . Other than Laney , Dan really wasn 't close at all to any of his family . He hadn 't once gone to his parent 's new home since they left him , until this summer . Only Laney had made her way back to see him since they had moved and that was a year ago . " Whatever , " he mumbled to himself sitting down in his recliner . Dan didn 't know how long he had dozed off when he felt a tap on his shoulder . He looked over at his sister and took in a sharp breath , at her appearance . She was wearing a short pleated skirt and a button up shirt . " Make all the jokes you want big brother , I heard your response when you saw me . " She smiled , " Besides you have no room to talk , you always dress like you 're in a Michael J . Fox 80s movie . " She giggled at him and walked to the door . He found himself gazing at her legs for a moment before getting up , what surprised him even more was the fact that he could feel himself getting hard looking at her . Well she is a pretty girl ; he thought to himself and decided it was ok to think as long as he never acted on it . With that he walked out the door and following her outside . Dan parked on the street outside the student parking lot . He had seen to many scratches and bumps inside student parking and with the size of his truck he didn 't want to take any chances . He had spent too much time fixing it up this summer . He had it repainted and lifted now with swamper tires . His sister 's comment wasn 't too far off . He had always been a fan of 80s movies . In fact he had fixed up his dodge ram to resemble the Toyota truck from " Back to the Future " One of Dan 's favorite movies . After parking he watched his sister take off almost running , excited for her first class . As she ran away he couldn 't help thinking of her at 18 as the same excited little girl she had been at 14 starting high school . It was cute and in that outfit it just made her seem so young and innocent still . A small shutter went through him as the thought about how innocent she still really was crossed his mind . Dan went to his first class and sat down in the back row of desks . He had dozed off in his seat when someone thumped him on his shoulder . " I hate you dick . " Someone said behind him and Dan looked at his watch . " Ok I give . Who was cool enough to make you break your vow of No official girlfriend 's just girls ? " Dan asked . In 3 years Rick had dated half the single girls in town but never had a real girlfriend . " Thanks Bro . " Rick didn 't say anything more for about 20 minutes . Dan was really happy about that . He really didn 't want to have to explain the reasons for he didn 't like Julie . " Julie tried to get in here but she wasn 't accepted , " Rick Explained , " She did however get accepted to Western . " " Wow , Bellingham is a long way from Storms Rock . What are you going to do if she moves over there ? " " We haven 't talked much about it . She wouldn 't start until next semester anyway . Were just going to see how it goes . " Dan was really surprised to hear the sad note in Rick 's voice . He wondered what had happened in town while he was away ? Before he left Rick hadn 't ever spent enough time with one girl to care about moving or not . I made him begin to wonder what else had changed in his absence . When lunch hit Dan was literally starving . Walking fast he left campus and headed across the street to Ray 's drive in burger restaurant . There was already a line when he got there . Waiting in line he felt a hand on his shoulder . He knew instantly who it was . Only one person could touch him with the need and tentativeness as her . " Hi sweetheart , " he said turning to her , trying to smile . Dan took her hand and led her away from the line . They walked slowly to his truck without a word . When they got there he opened the passenger door and she got in . He went around to his side and climbed in . Only then did she let loose the tears . " Don 't tell me not to cry . You left me Dan ! You didn 't say you were leaving you didn 't say why and you didn 't call me all summer . " " I went to your apartment and I called you . I was so worried that you just disappeared until you sent that text message , " She put her face in her hands crying , " I . . . . . . . . . . loved you . . . . . . I gave you my virginity ! And you couldn 't even tell me you were leaving ! You couldn 't tell me what I did wrong ! " " Ok , then how about we go get something to eat and blow off the rest of the day . We can go someplace and be alone . " He said gently running his hand across her face . Dan went and picked up some burgers while she sat next to him getting the last of her pent up tears out . By the time he pulled up at the park she had stopped crying . Brookwood Park was a secluded park and in the day time when school was in session it was practically deserted . They climbed out of the truck with their burgers in hand . Sitting at a picnic bench eating in silence Dan finally took one hand and took her free hand . " I didn 't know you loved me , " He told her quietly , " I didn 't realize you were a virgin when we . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When I made love to you . " First she turned red with the virginity comment then her face grew angry . " That 's your excuse ? You didn 't know I cared , " The tears started again , " How can you say that after the year we had last year ? " " I didn 't mean it that way , " he countered , " I knew you cared . I didn 't know you cared as much about me as I did about you . We were never an official couple . " He put his arms around her and she stopped him again . " You were falling in love with me ? " she asked , " Why didn 't you . . . . . . you could have said so . . . . . . . . . I was waiting . I wanted it so bad , to just hear you say that you loved me . " " I was falling and it scared me . I 've only loved two girls before . The last one ended in her death . I made a wrong choice not to tell you . " Dan thought about it for a minute . As close as they had become the year before he still hadn 't told anyone the whole truth . Not even Laney . Amber knew of course that his wife had died in a car accident a year ago . Most people hadn 't known he was married . His parents had threatened to cut him off if he got married before graduating . They had used the argument that until he graduated and could support his own family he shouldn 't be married . He loved Liz and they wanted to be together so much they had gotten married in secret . He figured they would have a fake marriage for show after college . Amber also knew that Liz had been pregnant at the time of her death . Laney knew that too . At the time of Liz 's death the police had thought it looked suspicious and had dragged him down town . He had been at a college fund raiser at the time and cleared of all charges . Staring into Ambers crying eyes Dan made the decision that it was time to share the last part of the story with her . He trusted her ; he realized looking at her now he loved her more deeply than he had realized when he left . There was something in her eyes he hadn 't seen before , like staring into an untapped part of his sole , something deep and familiar . She meant everything to him at that moment . It was a lot of trust he was handing her . She was the only woman he had made love to since Liz , not for lack of opportunity but due to the fact he couldn 't feel for anyone else but Amber since Liz had died . " What I never told you was that the baby wasn 't mine . When the police found that out they thought I might have killed her . " Dan didn 't know how she would take that statement but didn 't expect her to break down in more tears . Amber started crying harder and he finally seceded in putting his arms around her . He pulled her close and kissed her forehead . " You see after I found out that the baby wasn 't mine I found it easier to get over her death . But at the same time she had destroyed my trust in women . " " I guess I can see why you were scared . But I 've loved you since the first time we met . I would never . . . . . . . . . " she started to bite her lip as she talked . Dan felt she was beautiful in that moment , baring her sole to him . " You said before that you had only ever loved two girls . I know about Liz . I was wondering what the other was like . " She asked to his confusion . He couldn 't understand why she would want to know . " It 's not a long story to tell . I met Michelle on a camping trip to West End . We only had two weeks together . I loved her the first day and we got together by the third day . " He smiled in his memory , " I was 15 and she was my first . Everything was so perfect for those two weeks . " He lifted her chin and kissed her lips . She kissed him back sinking into his kiss , relaxing and opening her lips to him letting his tongue probe lightly into her mouth . Kissing her deeper his hands started moving up her legs , slowly moving under her skirt . He loved the softness of her bare thighs . The passion of their kissing grew deeper until the world around them didn 't exist anymore . His hand slid up her leg finding the waistband of her panties . She pulled away from him . " No ! Stop . . . . . . . . . . . Not until you tell me . . . . . . . . . . I need to hear it first before I can let you . . . . . . . . . . again . " tears coming back to her eyes . " I . . . . . . I . . . . . . . . . I . . . . . . . . . . . . I can 't say the words . " He stopped and looked deep into her eyes . He raised his hand and wiped her tears away . He didn 't want to make her cry . It hurt him to see her tears . " I would never say I loved someone for sex . " He wiped more tears from her eyes , " So Amber Lin Cordell , I 'm in love with you and I want you be my girlfriend ? " He felt like he was in high school again but if Amber had one fault it was that emotionally she was 14 like his sister . Amber didn 't answer him right away . She kissed him again , then took his hand and led him away from the bench . She led him down the path to the bridge over Brook wood creak . On the far side of the bridge there was a flat spot you could hop down and go under the bridge . Once under the bridge you were in an alcove completely hidden from anyone on the bridge or in the park . Dan wondered how Amber knew about it . Dan knew she hadn 't been with anyone else since they started hanging out and she had said he took her virginity . That only left this summer ? Had she been here with someone else while he was away ? He decided now might not be the best time to ask . He kissed her deeper and more passionately then he ever had . The admission of love caused an emotional barrier not just to break but explode . They took things slow , kissed and touching , tongues dancing together in need and burning desire for each other . His hands found her breasts and he unbuttoned her shirt with one hand while caressing one breast with the other . He loved how soft and sensitive her skin was to his touch as he could feel her reactions in her kissing . They lay together kissing and lightly touching for an hour , this was more about exploring their newly confessed love then about sex . But as the passion finally hit it 's breaking point Dan couldn 't wait any longer he moved his hand up her skirt to find her soaked panties under his touch . It was only then she whispered , " I can 't wait anymore ! " she then began reaching for his belt , and he began removing her panties . " SSSHHH , baby , " she whispered as she kissed his lips again . He closed his eyes and felt her swing her leg over him , still holding him in her hand she pressed his throbbing cock against her wet hot lips . Amber let go of his dick and he thrust up inside her . She was so warm and tight , he had forgotten how hot her pussy was . He leaned up to kiss her and she pushed his shoulders back to the ground . " Just lay down baby , " she whispered to him sweetly grinding her hips into his body as she rode up and down his shaft . She began to speed up as she did so as well making him go crazy for more . It wasn 't long before he needed to cum . He hadn 't had sex all summer and Amber was to hot and tight to hold back . It was only moments later she moaned out and shuddered clamping down on his dick so hard , Dan could feel more hot fluid wash over his pelvis as she came . " Um , babe ……… . ! " He managed to moan out as he let loose like a cannon , spraying cum up inside her firm young dripping pussy . " Thank you , " she whispered in his ear slipping off of him and laying down next to him . She took his hand , holding it tight in her own , she turned her head and looked at him , and her face wore a look of both happy and content . His racing heartbeat began to calm as he stared into her eyes . He loved her so much and wondered how he could have ever doubted that . It wasn 't long after they had gotten done that Dan could feel his cock beginning to get ready again . He leaned over and began to kiss her neck slowly not wanting to miss an inch of her body he moved down to her shoulder slipping her shirt off of her arms as he did so . Amber moaned as he moved from one shoulder to the other with little sweet kisses moving his way down her chests . She arched her back and unhooked her bra before he made it to her breasts . Dan kissed her nipples as soon as she had removed her bra . He sucked them in one at a time and gently bit on them making her body jump with pleasure from every nibble . He loved how responsive her body was to gently touch and biting . He moved on from her breasts leaving his hands were his mouth had been , and began kissing her stomach . He loved to kiss her flat tummy and would do so as often as she would let him , she had been very self - conscious when they had got together and she often didn 't like to take her shirt off when they made out . He continued down her body finding her clit and caressing it with his tongue . Amber bucked her hips as his lips began to suck her little nub as hard as he could . After a couple minute he slid his two middle fingers of his right hand inside her slit and began to thrust them in and out while sucking her clit . Amber was going crazy form his stimulation . None of the times they had been together had been like this , she didn 't know if it was because he had finally told her he loved her but , whatever it was she had never experienced pleasure like she felt right now . She could feel her orgasm coming as he moved his face down and replaced his fingers with his thrusting tongue . She ground her hips against his face as her second orgasm ripped through her body , she arched her back grabbed his hair in both hands holding him there . Amber pushed Dan down on his back again ; she kissed and sucked on his earlobe while taking his cock into her hand . As slowly as he had done with her she pushed up his shirt and kissed his body all the way down to his stomach . Stroking him firmly she began to lick the head of his cock ; Dan moaned and twitched with every flick of her tongue . Without stopping her stroking she kissed his head lightly before moving lower and sucking on his balls . Dan didn 't last long as she began to suck him in deep strokes taking him all into her mouth . He wanted to warn her but all that escaped his lips was a loud moan as his cum shot across her tongue and down her throat . He looked down into her eyes as she licked him clean and swallowed his cum . That was always the biggest turn on for him when a girl swallowed . Still hard from his blowjob he pushed her down onto her back this time and knelt between her legs . He leaned in and kissed her beautiful mouth as he pushed his cock back inside her tight wet slit . She moaned out as he slid all the way in . They lay together in each other 's arms an hour later , having made love twice , and not having the energy to move after the second time . They were still naked , holding hands and lightly kissing . He found he had , had a hard time holding back with her today . He felt the first time he went at her with a raw lust and a full uncontrollable need . In many ways today reminded him a lot of his very first time he had ever made love , he had really loved her too and the sex was raw and hot . The second time he felt was much more about love , and everything he had been trying to tell her with his words that he couldn 't express , he told her through that second lovemaking . He couldn 't ever remember being so tender and loving with any of the girls he had been with . As he lay in her arms reflecting he felt a small touch of sadness as he realized that he hadn 't even loved his wife like this . " I can 't stand to be at my apartment alone all the time . I want to spend the night with you . " She asked questionably and again Dan was reminded of a girl five years younger . College girls shouldn 't have to make such a big fuss out of staying at their boyfriend 's house . Then it hit him . The one thing they had never talked about in all the time he knew her . " No , " she said slow and quiet , " I 've only ever loved you . It 's all new for me . I 'm . . . . . . . . . . scared too . " The drive back to school was quiet they both were lost in their own thoughts . Dan couldn 't believe the events of the day . He thought of his relationship so far with Amber . They had met at the college library , his sophomore year and her freshman year . They had some classes together and she had come over to ask him for some help with understanding chemistry . From that day on they were buddies , to the dismay and even anger of Dan 's wife Liz . As the school year came to a close nothing had happened between them , despite the fact that Liz made it clear she thought Dan was sleeping with Amber . Six weeks before Liz 's death they had found out she was having a baby and was 10 weeks along . Dan had taken Laney to the airport the next day after the results came in ; she agreed not to tell his parents about what was going on at his house . His happiness was only tempered by his realization that he would have to come clean with his parents about the relationship . He had made up his mind that he would wait until the baby came and the family would drive to see his parents . He doubted that they could look at a grandchild and not give their blessing . About four weeks prior to Liz 's accident they started their junior year . Things picked up right where they had left off last year . Amber and he continued to be study partners . Dan had a lot of fun with Amber but would never cheat on Liz ; he really loved his wife and was very happy to become a father . He actually considered not hanging around Amber anymore but she needed his help and he felt like Liz was being unreasonable . Dan came home one night after a long study session at the library and Liz was standing at the door . She accused him of having an affair with Amber , and wouldn 't hear him when he tried to deny it . She had seen them in the library and around campus and had made up her mind that he was cheating . Dan tried to tell her that if she knew him at all she wouldn 't have accused him of that . This only turned into a bigger fight with him finally telling her to ask Amber herself , he stormed out of the house after sleeping in his car that night . Dan went to school the next day and told Amber about the fight . He explained what had happened so she wouldn 't be caught off guard if Liz confronted her at school . Amber said she was really sorry that she had caused a problem ; she hadn 't meant to have them fight over her . She suggested they not talk anymore and Dan actually felt saddened by that , he told her that the tension at home would resolve itself and not to worry . The conversation between the girls never happened , Dan was happy because he didn 't want there to be a confrontation . Liz died about a week after the fight . Dan had spent that whole week hiding in his house not wanting to face the rest of the world . The police had circled his house repetitively taking statements and looking for evidence . They told him they were trying to clear him as a suspect . Amber showed up on Dan 's door step on a Saturday morning a week after the accident . He had literally just gotten off the phone with the investigator and gotten the news about not being the baby 's father . He hung up the phone to hear a knock at the door . Amber instantly through her arms around Dan and started crying on his shoulder , she felt so bad for him she couldn 't hold back her own tears . " Thanks . " He said thinly . She didn 't wait to be invited in . She set to work right away doing dishes and cleaning . Dan tried to tell her not to bother but she led him to the couch and covered him with a blanket . She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the forehead . It was the first time there had been any kind of contact like that between them . He felt warmed by it somehow and slipped into sleep . I had to get going and I didn 't want to disturb you . Your laundry 's in the dryer and there is dinner in the kitchen . I hope you feel better soon and make it back to school . I can 't make it through chemistry without you ( Joke ) . But school isn 't the same without my study partner . See you soon . When he returned to school his mood was bad and his grades fell . He barely squeaked by the first semester . If it wasn 't for his ability to sleep though class he would never have caught up . During that time he didn 't talk to anyone he went to school and hid at home . Amber showed up every few days to check on him and help keep his house somewhat clean . By the end of the semester his parents finally asked him what was wrong . They could tell when they called that there was a problem . Even on the phone he was more distant than usual . He bent the truth slightly and said that he had gotten a girl pregnant and was excited to be a dad . Then she been in a car crash and passed away with the baby . It was mostly true so he didn 't feel that bad leaving parts out . His parents were upset that he hadn 't been more careful with the girl but understood why he was distant . Once the new semester started Amber and Dan officially became best friends , from day one of the term they became inseparable . As the year progressed he couldn 't believe how comfortable he was with her like this is how it was meant to be . This excited and scared him at the same time he realized that if he let himself fall for her he would truly love her deeper than even his wife maybe Liz wasn 't so wrong to suspect something after all . Maybe this had only been a matter of time but with the realization that he was so in love meant that she had the power to betray him deeper in his sole then Liz had done . He would have confessed all this to Amber last year but he was afraid that she didn 't feel as strongly for him as he hoped . He couldn 't take a broken heart from her this close to losing his wife . Dan kept all his feelings for her bottled up and held it all close to his heart . They hung out all the time and had begun kissing and making out from time to time but he always held back only once letting go , that happened at the end of last year when he made love to her . " You 're heading back to the school ? The day 's well over by now . " Amber said shyly breaking him out of his memories . " I have to pick up Laney . I just hope she hasn 't left yet . " Laney was furious when Dan pulled up to the school . As he drove up she was on his driver 's side and he had his window down . He could see the anger radiating off of her . " Oh hi , " She smiled slyly , " I 'm Laney . " She had a knowing look on her face . Dan realized that Laney probably thought Amber was some just random girl he hooked up with . The girls had a fun night together , they cooked dinner and joked . After dinner Laney decided to go to her room and start re - arranging things now that it was her room . She hadn 't had much time for that the night before . This gave Amber and Dan time alone . They lay down on the couch and held each other until they passed out that night . Amber had never been more content in her entire life as she was finally falling asleep in his arms . She laid her head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat . It beat for her now as hers beat for him . A sudden sadness fell over her . She realized their whole relationship centered around a lie . But she couldn 't be honest with him . She hadn 't lied when she told him that he was the only man she had ever loved . She didn 't think she could ever love anyone else . She also had told him the truth when she said that he had taken her virginity . She had told the truth about both those things and those were the most important things . Was it really necessary to tell him the whole truth ? Would he hate her if she told him ? They weren 't officially dating until today so he had no right to be mad right ? But then what had he done while he was gone all summer . Did he go away and sleep with someone else after making love to her last year ? He said he loved her but he disappeared for a whole summer doing god knows what . That settled it . She decided that she would hold on to her secrets for now . She would see if she could get info from him about his summer with directly talking to her about it . This line of thought made her unhappy . After today she didn 't want unhappy thoughts . She 'd had the most amazing lovemaking ever and didn 't want to spoil that with unhappy things . Even when they had made love before it hadn 't been like today . She thought back to last year , it had been so wonderful she had spent the whole year working on him to get to that one night . She had known that Liz cheated on him she just hadn 't found a way to tell Dan . It hurt her that she loved him so much already at that time and his wife cared so little she was cheating on him . The day Dan had come to her explaining a fight they had over her she smiled inwardly and played innocent on the outside , it meant her plan was working . Amber would have stayed out of their relationship and left Dan alone if she hadn 't found out that Liz had cheated but she couldn 't stand back and not take the man she loved from an evil bitch who didn 't love and realize what she had . That 's how she finally made her move . She let him think he put the moves to her , but at Julie and Tammy 's party last June she had finally won him over enough . They were sitting outside drinking a couple of beers when she told him she was feeling really dizzy . Sad that worked but sometimes the old tricks still work . He brought her inside and laid her down on the bed she patted the bed next to herself and said she would feel better if he held her . She told him then she was feeling a little better and gave him her best cute puppy dog look . That was all it took . A little beer and doing the eyes and he was kissing her . They spent a couple hours in the room kissing , making love and holding each other , that had been wonderful , today had been almost perfect . " Yeah but it worked out once , Liz was great ! I loved her last year . She was so perfect , and so is Amber . What could it hurt to jump again ? " Dan broke at this point . He had already told his big secret to one of the most important girls in his life so why not his loving little sister . He told her the truth and her jaw hit the floor . She through her arms around him and hugged him . " You are . If you weren 't I wouldn 't be trying so hard to find someone just like you for me . " She said and blushed . " And if you weren 't the most sweet and trust worthy guy I knew I would be jealous to come out of the shower and see a beautiful girl with her arms wrapped around you confessing her adoration , sister or not . " Amber said from behind them surprising them both . They all laughed . " Yeah , I worked out what I needed to . Were actually official now . " He couldn 't keep the smile off his face when he said it . " About god damn time . It 's only been a year of beating around the bush . Speaking of witch please tell me that you 've at least seen her naked ? " Dan simply grinned in response . " Dude I want details ! She 's so hot . " " Oh well , be no fun . I 'm just glad your back . She called me almost every day at the end of the summer asking me if I had heard from you yet . " " It 's ok . I didn 't mind talking to her . She seemed really depressed and alone , " he smiled , " I took her out to the movies and dinner a couple times , and I see that look you 're giving me . Nothing happened . " " Anyway . . . . . . . . . . . So Friday night I 'm heading over to Storms Beach sometime after school but I know a lot of people aren 't planning to go until dark . You know this town after dark . " " Yeah , I know this town and I know Julies ' parties . " I told him and her nodded . All I knew for sure was that Friday night was going to be a night to remember . Read 13323 times | Great story , well written . It 's easy to follow and has a lot of meaning to it . I love this story already ! ! ! Post the next chapter ASAP ! Great story , well written . It 's easy to follow and has a lot of meaning to it . I love this story already ! ! ! Post the next chapter ASAP ! does CAW take points off for mis - used words like Sole for Soul ? or Lied for Laid . . . She laid down . . . she Lied to him when he asked her a question . Otherwise are we going to have a murder mystery here with this story ? Was it really an accident ? or did Amber have something to do with it ? OR did Dan knock her off ? And OH YEAH ! I see you promised to continue and finish TSB . We have a wedding to go to . and an Aunt and Nephew that need to get back together where they belong . I figure our hero is walking Abby down the isle to give her away in a same sex marriage to Katie , since Abby 's folks have basically disowned her . All good stuff otherwise . Thanks to the person below . I can 't say your right or wrong without giving away to much but I will say " You are indeed powerful as the Emperor has seen " . More TSB is being written today . Been busy haven 't had time to write as much as I would like . Thanks to everyone who liked this chapter but I will finish TSB before posting more .

Introduction : This is the first chapter to my next story . I wrote it now to submit to the CAW 11 . I 'm posting it here as a preview of what 's next . Storms Rock She was running down the street , fleeing for her life , the whistling man was behind her somewhere following her in the dark . She was running down an alley in the dark , she was completely lost and all she could see were a number of English style buildings on both sides of her . She came out of the alley and turned onto a sidewalk near a park , there was fog rolling in on the street ahead of her and a fence made of metal and rope lined the park to her side . The trees on the other side of the fence scared her more than the man following her , their branches hung low made the street seem sinister almost . With the emptiness of the street and the enveloping fog she almost turned around , but the man was somewhere back there . She had stopped running when she had turned onto the side walk , her heart was racing and she had to slow down , but she kept her pace as quick and steady as she could . She began to hope that maybe she had lost the whistling man she hadn 't heard him for several blocks now . She looked behind her and couldn 't see anyone down the whole length of the sidewalk , she breathed out in relief but ash her focus turned forward again . She began to run again when she stepped down wrong twisting her ankle , she cried out in pain but didn 't let it stop her . She continued to walking wincing in pain with every step only then did she hear the footsteps behind her and the man whistling . Michelle Hathaway woke suddenly ; she didn 't know how long she had been out . Her head was buzzing and she had lingering images of the dream she had been having . As she came back to her senses she shook the image of the sidewalk , the park and the whistling man out of her head . It was dark outside and she was face down lying on the back seat of a car , she couldn 't remember how she had ended up on the floor but she lay there now . She tried to push herself up which resulted in both her head and her arm sending a shooting pain through her . Looking at her arm and trying to move slightly she concluded that her arm was broken . Trying again with her other arm she pulled herself up from the floor to the back seat . She had to rest there a moment her head was throbbing and she reached up to touch it . It was only then she realized she was bleeding . Cradling her bad arm she crawled into the front seat to check on her best friend and her mother . " Oh god . . . . . . " she cried out loud . Her best friend and her Mom had been the only family she had since her father had killed her own Mother . They were both dead . The impact of the car accident had hit them so hard that they were both torn up from broken glass . Both of the faces Michelle loved were broken and bleeding . Tears were flowing now from her eyes ; she slowly crawled out of the car and sat down on the curb nearby . She had a clear look at the car from outside even in the dark she realized it was a wonder she survived the crash herself . They had crashed straight into a brick wall of an office building . If Michelle hadn 't been sleeping in the backseat when it happened , she shuttered to think of what would have been . Her arm was excruciating but she tried to not to think about that now , at least she was still here ; she started to sob for her friends . Then the worst thought hit her , she was stuck here in Storms Rock with no car , no money , and she couldn 't turn to anyone she knew in town . She knew it had been a bad idea for her to ride with them to see her best friend off to college . She knew if her father ever got out and knew where to find her he would finish the job he started the night he tried to kill her and had killed her mom . Michelle sat for a long time before looking at her watch 2 : 00 a . m . It was really the sound of a passing motorist stopping that made her look up . The motorist got out of her car and went to Michelle first , she was saying something to her but Michelle didn 't hear . The woman walked to the car turned looked inside and threw up ; she pulled out her cell phone and called the paramedics . Then the woman sat down with Michelle and asked what had happened and what her name was . Michelle didn 't answer the woman but didn 't know why the shock of the whole situation was too much , but it wasn 't that holding her back from asking question . Without her best friend she had nowhere to live and nothing to go back too , a plan was beginning to form in her head , but could she really go through with it ? The sound of sirens could be heard in the distance minutes later . Michelle was still lost inside her own thoughts she had no one she had burnt so many bridges in both Storms Rock and West End she was running out of options . Michelle had quite literally screwed her way through high school she never thought about the future and had , had a different guy every few weeks . She wished right now she would have spent less time sleeping around and more studying with her best friend . While she was out at night looking to be loved her best friend had earned scholarships that would pay for years of college . It was funny how she had never really thought about it before now . She had been looking for love and only finding sex . She realized right then that she would never find another boy like her first love and she needed to stop looking and think about herself from now on . With cops and paramedics on the way Michelle 's plan fully formed in her head and she made a snap decision . Since her reconstructive surgery she looked so much like her best friend that people often got them mixed up . She had hated that people confused them , as much as she loved her best friend she liked being her own person but now in this moment she realized that she had a second chance to start completely over again . It was a chance most people never got handed to them and it was staring her in the face . All the events of her life seemingly horrible and random had created this one moment in time for her to start all over again . Without warning and startling the woman trying to talk to her , Michelle shot up ignoring the pain and ran back to the car . She pulled her best friend 's purse from the car . She slipped hers next to her best friend it was that moment the ambulance arrived . Slowly , cradling her arm , she pulled herself out of the car again . Paramedics immediately started work . One of the men came to her and despite the pain she told them to look into the car first , Michelle was sure they were dead but she wanted the paramedics to look after them first . It was only minutes later another ambulance arrived and began to treat her arm and head . Dan Alinder woke with a headache . His temples were throbbing and his back was stiff from driving the day before . He realized it was his alarm that brought him out of sleep this morning . It couldn 't really be morning yet could it ? He turned his head and looked at the time . It had to have been going off for about 10 minutes before he finally snapped out of sleep . That explained he headache . He reached over and turned off his alarm , hitting the shelf it was sitting on a little too hard . He was rewarded with a stack of pop cans landing on him from the shelf above . He rolled over slowly pushing cans out of his way and put his feet on the floor , holding his head in his hands . God help him he didn 't want this day to begin , his problems he left behind were waiting for him today , and he would have no choice but to deal with them . Slowly he stood up and walked to his bathroom stubbing his toe on his dresser as he past , he cursed out loud and held his foot for a moment . He looked himself over in the mirror once making inside the bathroom . He was six feet tall with an average build . He wasn 't over weight but he really didn 't have the amount of muscle definition like some of his friends had . He ran his hand across his face he hadn 't shaved all summer and had a beard going . It was the first time in his life he had ever grown one out , he decided it had to go . He made up his mind to keep the front and shave down to a goatee , with that decided he looked away from himself and headed to the shower . Amber Cordell woke up alone in an empty apartment . Her alarm clock was going off on the other side of the room but she couldn 't gather the will to get up and turn it off . This was the point of course of why she put it on the other sided the room . The beep beep beep was drilling into her head yet she still refused to move . She wanted to pull the covers up over her head and hide today . She so desperately wanted to see him but was scared at the same time . Today they would pick up where they left off ? Or he would finally just end things with her ? Either way she was tired of waiting . Even if it meant it was over she would confront him and find out what happened and force him to decide . Finally letting out a dull moan she couldn 't stand the alarm sound anymore ; she stood up and walked across the room to turn it off . She fell back on her bed sitting on the edge still thinking of him . She was so mad at him for leaving right now but her body had such a need to see him , to be with him she could feel herself getting wet . She closed her eyes and leaned back on the bed , her fingers finding your moist slit and sliding inside . She remembered back to the first time they had made love and her body shuddered with pleasure at the memory . Amber began to use her other hand to rub her clit at the same time her fingers did their magic . Her orgasm hit her strong only moments later . The memory of her lost virginity always made her cum faster . She lay back on the bed panting for a few minutes before finally deciding it was time for a shower . She didn 't bother to dress heading to the bathroom she knew her roommates hadn 't returned home yet so dressing seemed unimportant . She was really proud of her body . She was 5foot 8inchs and very slender . In fact most people assumed she had an eating disorder to stay this thin . It wasn 't the case she was just lucky . She looked down at her body as she walked feeling content . Her looks had never been a problem even if she only had B - cup boobs . She was happy with herself now . He had helped her with that last year , she shuttered at the thought that he might not love her after everything they had gone through . She wanted him to talk to her and to finally make a decision but loved him too much to let go . She had really hoped that her roommates would 've returned home last night . It had been a lonely couple months without her friends or boyfriend around . Not that it mattered much she guessed anyway . Her roommate Crystal never sat still long enough to talk anyway . Crystal always had about 3 boyfriends at a time and was always out . Lindsey on the other hand was out with her girlfriend most nights and when she was home she would spend most her time hitting on Amber . She realized that college was a time to experiment but she still didn 't swing that way . But with her boyfriend gone company was company . " She doesn 't like me , " he explained , " She likes Dan . She thinks I 'm her chauffeur . She wouldn 't even need me for that if her license hadn 't been suspended . " " Well it doesn 't matter , " he said smiling at her , " I have a crush on someone else . " He rolled over on to her and kissed her , " Besides she 's my step - sister . " " I know , " she said pulling him in for a deeper kiss . Dan showered shaved and dressed stepped out of his room . He was dressed in a t - shirt , jeans and a pair of new high tops . He fumbled pointlessly around the kitchen , knowing that he hadn 't had time to go grocery shopping yet . He decided he would have to stop on the way to school . " Big Brother , " exclaimed an excited call from behind him . He turned only just in time to have his sister throw her arms around him pulling him into a big hug . She was always affectionate with him . " I know . . . . . . . . But it 's COLLEGE ! ! ! " She practically yelled and bounced out of the room , " I 'll be ready to go really quick don 't leave without me . " Dan watched her walk away ; she was wearing only a t - shirt and a pair of shorts . He had to admit she had really grown up in the last year he had been away . Her legs had finally filled out and were now quiet shapely . What the hell am I thinking ? Dan wandered as she disappeared out of sight , that 's my sister ! He decided to put it out of his head . She had grown into a beautiful young woman there was no harm in simply acknowledging that . It wasn 't that he didn 't love his sister , but he had lived there for 4 years , it was his home now . But his parents did pay for his college and for his apartment so he wasn 't in much of a place to argue . They had got him the apartment when they had left Storms Rock his senior year of high school . They all decided that he was old enough to stay there and finish school since he had already been accepted to Stormbrook College . It didn 't make sense to make him move away across state just to come back in a couple months . Dan might have put up more of a fight over Laney , but she had come to stay with him last summer and Laney had never told his parents about what really was going on . So he did kind of owe her one . That had been the last time he had seen any of his family . Other than Laney , Dan really wasn 't close at all to any of his family . He hadn 't once gone to his parent 's new home since they left him , until this summer . Only Laney had made her way back to see him since they had moved and that was a year ago . " Whatever , " he mumbled to himself sitting down in his recliner . Dan didn 't know how long he had dozed off when he felt a tap on his shoulder . He looked over at his sister and took in a sharp breath , at her appearance . She was wearing a short pleated skirt and a button up shirt . " Make all the jokes you want big brother , I heard your response when you saw me . " She smiled , " Besides you have no room to talk , you always dress like you 're in a Michael J . Fox 80s movie . " She giggled at him and walked to the door . He found himself gazing at her legs for a moment before getting up , what surprised him even more was the fact that he could feel himself getting hard looking at her . Well she is a pretty girl ; he thought to himself and decided it was ok to think as long as he never acted on it . With that he walked out the door and following her outside . Dan parked on the street outside the student parking lot . He had seen to many scratches and bumps inside student parking and with the size of his truck he didn 't want to take any chances . He had spent too much time fixing it up this summer . He had it repainted and lifted now with swamper tires . His sister 's comment wasn 't too far off . He had always been a fan of 80s movies . In fact he had fixed up his dodge ram to resemble the Toyota truck from " Back to the Future " One of Dan 's favorite movies . After parking he watched his sister take off almost running , excited for her first class . As she ran away he couldn 't help thinking of her at 18 as the same excited little girl she had been at 14 starting high school . It was cute and in that outfit it just made her seem so young and innocent still . A small shutter went through him as the thought about how innocent she still really was crossed his mind . Dan went to his first class and sat down in the back row of desks . He had dozed off in his seat when someone thumped him on his shoulder . " I hate you dick . " Someone said behind him and Dan looked at his watch . " Ok I give . Who was cool enough to make you break your vow of No official girlfriend 's just girls ? " Dan asked . In 3 years Rick had dated half the single girls in town but never had a real girlfriend . " Thanks Bro . " Rick didn 't say anything more for about 20 minutes . Dan was really happy about that . He really didn 't want to have to explain the reasons for he didn 't like Julie . " Julie tried to get in here but she wasn 't accepted , " Rick Explained , " She did however get accepted to Western . " " Wow , Bellingham is a long way from Storms Rock . What are you going to do if she moves over there ? " " We haven 't talked much about it . She wouldn 't start until next semester anyway . Were just going to see how it goes . " Dan was really surprised to hear the sad note in Rick 's voice . He wondered what had happened in town while he was away ? Before he left Rick hadn 't ever spent enough time with one girl to care about moving or not . I made him begin to wonder what else had changed in his absence . When lunch hit Dan was literally starving . Walking fast he left campus and headed across the street to Ray 's drive in burger restaurant . There was already a line when he got there . Waiting in line he felt a hand on his shoulder . He knew instantly who it was . Only one person could touch him with the need and tentativeness as her . " Hi sweetheart , " he said turning to her , trying to smile . Dan took her hand and led her away from the line . They walked slowly to his truck without a word . When they got there he opened the passenger door and she got in . He went around to his side and climbed in . Only then did she let loose the tears . " Don 't tell me not to cry . You left me Dan ! You didn 't say you were leaving you didn 't say why and you didn 't call me all summer . " " I went to your apartment and I called you . I was so worried that you just disappeared until you sent that text message , " She put her face in her hands crying , " I . . . . . . . . . . loved you . . . . . . I gave you my virginity ! And you couldn 't even tell me you were leaving ! You couldn 't tell me what I did wrong ! " " Ok , then how about we go get something to eat and blow off the rest of the day . We can go someplace and be alone . " He said gently running his hand across her face . Dan went and picked up some burgers while she sat next to him getting the last of her pent up tears out . By the time he pulled up at the park she had stopped crying . Brookwood Park was a secluded park and in the day time when school was in session it was practically deserted . They climbed out of the truck with their burgers in hand . Sitting at a picnic bench eating in silence Dan finally took one hand and took her free hand . " I didn 't know you loved me , " He told her quietly , " I didn 't realize you were a virgin when we . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When I made love to you . " First she turned red with the virginity comment then her face grew angry . " That 's your excuse ? You didn 't know I cared , " The tears started again , " How can you say that after the year we had last year ? " " I didn 't mean it that way , " he countered , " I knew you cared . I didn 't know you cared as much about me as I did about you . We were never an official couple . " He put his arms around her and she stopped him again . " You were falling in love with me ? " she asked , " Why didn 't you . . . . . . you could have said so . . . . . . . . . I was waiting . I wanted it so bad , to just hear you say that you loved me . " " I was falling and it scared me . I 've only loved two girls before . The last one ended in her death . I made a wrong choice not to tell you . " Dan thought about it for a minute . As close as they had become the year before he still hadn 't told anyone the whole truth . Not even Laney . Amber knew of course that his wife had died in a car accident a year ago . Most people hadn 't known he was married . His parents had threatened to cut him off if he got married before graduating . They had used the argument that until he graduated and could support his own family he shouldn 't be married . He loved Liz and they wanted to be together so much they had gotten married in secret . He figured they would have a fake marriage for show after college . Amber also knew that Liz had been pregnant at the time of her death . Laney knew that too . At the time of Liz 's death the police had thought it looked suspicious and had dragged him down town . He had been at a college fund raiser at the time and cleared of all charges . Staring into Ambers crying eyes Dan made the decision that it was time to share the last part of the story with her . He trusted her ; he realized looking at her now he loved her more deeply than he had realized when he left . There was something in her eyes he hadn 't seen before , like staring into an untapped part of his sole , something deep and familiar . She meant everything to him at that moment . It was a lot of trust he was handing her . She was the only woman he had made love to since Liz , not for lack of opportunity but due to the fact he couldn 't feel for anyone else but Amber since Liz had died . " What I never told you was that the baby wasn 't mine . When the police found that out they thought I might have killed her . " Dan didn 't know how she would take that statement but didn 't expect her to break down in more tears . Amber started crying harder and he finally seceded in putting his arms around her . He pulled her close and kissed her forehead . " You see after I found out that the baby wasn 't mine I found it easier to get over her death . But at the same time she had destroyed my trust in women . " " I guess I can see why you were scared . But I 've loved you since the first time we met . I would never . . . . . . . . . " she started to bite her lip as she talked . Dan felt she was beautiful in that moment , baring her sole to him . " You said before that you had only ever loved two girls . I know about Liz . I was wondering what the other was like . " She asked to his confusion . He couldn 't understand why she would want to know . " It 's not a long story to tell . I met Michelle on a camping trip to West End . We only had two weeks together . I loved her the first day and we got together by the third day . " He smiled in his memory , " I was 15 and she was my first . Everything was so perfect for those two weeks . " He lifted her chin and kissed her lips . She kissed him back sinking into his kiss , relaxing and opening her lips to him letting his tongue probe lightly into her mouth . Kissing her deeper his hands started moving up her legs , slowly moving under her skirt . He loved the softness of her bare thighs . The passion of their kissing grew deeper until the world around them didn 't exist anymore . His hand slid up her leg finding the waistband of her panties . She pulled away from him . " No ! Stop . . . . . . . . . . . Not until you tell me . . . . . . . . . . I need to hear it first before I can let you . . . . . . . . . . again . " tears coming back to her eyes . " I . . . . . . I . . . . . . . . . I . . . . . . . . . . . . I can 't say the words . " He stopped and looked deep into her eyes . He raised his hand and wiped her tears away . He didn 't want to make her cry . It hurt him to see her tears . " I would never say I loved someone for sex . " He wiped more tears from her eyes , " So Amber Lin Cordell , I 'm in love with you and I want you be my girlfriend ? " He felt like he was in high school again but if Amber had one fault it was that emotionally she was 14 like his sister . Amber didn 't answer him right away . She kissed him again , then took his hand and led him away from the bench . She led him down the path to the bridge over Brook wood creak . On the far side of the bridge there was a flat spot you could hop down and go under the bridge . Once under the bridge you were in an alcove completely hidden from anyone on the bridge or in the park . Dan wondered how Amber knew about it . Dan knew she hadn 't been with anyone else since they started hanging out and she had said he took her virginity . That only left this summer ? Had she been here with someone else while he was away ? He decided now might not be the best time to ask . He kissed her deeper and more passionately then he ever had . The admission of love caused an emotional barrier not just to break but explode . They took things slow , kissed and touching , tongues dancing together in need and burning desire for each other . His hands found her breasts and he unbuttoned her shirt with one hand while caressing one breast with the other . He loved how soft and sensitive her skin was to his touch as he could feel her reactions in her kissing . They lay together kissing and lightly touching for an hour , this was more about exploring their newly confessed love then about sex . But as the passion finally hit it 's breaking point Dan couldn 't wait any longer he moved his hand up her skirt to find her soaked panties under his touch . It was only then she whispered , " I can 't wait anymore ! " she then began reaching for his belt , and he began removing her panties . " SSSHHH , baby , " she whispered as she kissed his lips again . He closed his eyes and felt her swing her leg over him , still holding him in her hand she pressed his throbbing cock against her wet hot lips . Amber let go of his dick and he thrust up inside her . She was so warm and tight , he had forgotten how hot her pussy was . He leaned up to kiss her and she pushed his shoulders back to the ground . " Just lay down baby , " she whispered to him sweetly grinding her hips into his body as she rode up and down his shaft . She began to speed up as she did so as well making him go crazy for more . It wasn 't long before he needed to cum . He hadn 't had sex all summer and Amber was to hot and tight to hold back . It was only moments later she moaned out and shuddered clamping down on his dick so hard , Dan could feel more hot fluid wash over his pelvis as she came . " Um , babe ……… . ! " He managed to moan out as he let loose like a cannon , spraying cum up inside her firm young dripping pussy . " Thank you , " she whispered in his ear slipping off of him and laying down next to him . She took his hand , holding it tight in her own , she turned her head and looked at him , and her face wore a look of both happy and content . His racing heartbeat began to calm as he stared into her eyes . He loved her so much and wondered how he could have ever doubted that . It wasn 't long after they had gotten done that Dan could feel his cock beginning to get ready again . He leaned over and began to kiss her neck slowly not wanting to miss an inch of her body he moved down to her shoulder slipping her shirt off of her arms as he did so . Amber moaned as he moved from one shoulder to the other with little sweet kisses moving his way down her chests . She arched her back and unhooked her bra before he made it to her breasts . Dan kissed her nipples as soon as she had removed her bra . He sucked them in one at a time and gently bit on them making her body jump with pleasure from every nibble . He loved how responsive her body was to gently touch and biting . He moved on from her breasts leaving his hands were his mouth had been , and began kissing her stomach . He loved to kiss her flat tummy and would do so as often as she would let him , she had been very self - conscious when they had got together and she often didn 't like to take her shirt off when they made out . He continued down her body finding her clit and caressing it with his tongue . Amber bucked her hips as his lips began to suck her little nub as hard as he could . After a couple minute he slid his two middle fingers of his right hand inside her slit and began to thrust them in and out while sucking her clit . Amber was going crazy form his stimulation . None of the times they had been together had been like this , she didn 't know if it was because he had finally told her he loved her but , whatever it was she had never experienced pleasure like she felt right now . She could feel her orgasm coming as he moved his face down and replaced his fingers with his thrusting tongue . She ground her hips against his face as her second orgasm ripped through her body , she arched her back grabbed his hair in both hands holding him there . Amber pushed Dan down on his back again ; she kissed and sucked on his earlobe while taking his cock into her hand . As slowly as he had done with her she pushed up his shirt and kissed his body all the way down to his stomach . Stroking him firmly she began to lick the head of his cock ; Dan moaned and twitched with every flick of her tongue . Without stopping her stroking she kissed his head lightly before moving lower and sucking on his balls . Dan didn 't last long as she began to suck him in deep strokes taking him all into her mouth . He wanted to warn her but all that escaped his lips was a loud moan as his cum shot across her tongue and down her throat . He looked down into her eyes as she licked him clean and swallowed his cum . That was always the biggest turn on for him when a girl swallowed . Still hard from his blowjob he pushed her down onto her back this time and knelt between her legs . He leaned in and kissed her beautiful mouth as he pushed his cock back inside her tight wet slit . She moaned out as he slid all the way in . They lay together in each other 's arms an hour later , having made love twice , and not having the energy to move after the second time . They were still naked , holding hands and lightly kissing . He found he had , had a hard time holding back with her today . He felt the first time he went at her with a raw lust and a full uncontrollable need . In many ways today reminded him a lot of his very first time he had ever made love , he had really loved her too and the sex was raw and hot . The second time he felt was much more about love , and everything he had been trying to tell her with his words that he couldn 't express , he told her through that second lovemaking . He couldn 't ever remember being so tender and loving with any of the girls he had been with . As he lay in her arms reflecting he felt a small touch of sadness as he realized that he hadn 't even loved his wife like this . " I can 't stand to be at my apartment alone all the time . I want to spend the night with you . " She asked questionably and again Dan was reminded of a girl five years younger . College girls shouldn 't have to make such a big fuss out of staying at their boyfriend 's house . Then it hit him . The one thing they had never talked about in all the time he knew her . " No , " she said slow and quiet , " I 've only ever loved you . It 's all new for me . I 'm . . . . . . . . . . scared too . " The drive back to school was quiet they both were lost in their own thoughts . Dan couldn 't believe the events of the day . He thought of his relationship so far with Amber . They had met at the college library , his sophomore year and her freshman year . They had some classes together and she had come over to ask him for some help with understanding chemistry . From that day on they were buddies , to the dismay and even anger of Dan 's wife Liz . As the school year came to a close nothing had happened between them , despite the fact that Liz made it clear she thought Dan was sleeping with Amber . Six weeks before Liz 's death they had found out she was having a baby and was 10 weeks along . Dan had taken Laney to the airport the next day after the results came in ; she agreed not to tell his parents about what was going on at his house . His happiness was only tempered by his realization that he would have to come clean with his parents about the relationship . He had made up his mind that he would wait until the baby came and the family would drive to see his parents . He doubted that they could look at a grandchild and not give their blessing . About four weeks prior to Liz 's accident they started their junior year . Things picked up right where they had left off last year . Amber and he continued to be study partners . Dan had a lot of fun with Amber but would never cheat on Liz ; he really loved his wife and was very happy to become a father . He actually considered not hanging around Amber anymore but she needed his help and he felt like Liz was being unreasonable . Dan came home one night after a long study session at the library and Liz was standing at the door . She accused him of having an affair with Amber , and wouldn 't hear him when he tried to deny it . She had seen them in the library and around campus and had made up her mind that he was cheating . Dan tried to tell her that if she knew him at all she wouldn 't have accused him of that . This only turned into a bigger fight with him finally telling her to ask Amber herself , he stormed out of the house after sleeping in his car that night . Dan went to school the next day and told Amber about the fight . He explained what had happened so she wouldn 't be caught off guard if Liz confronted her at school . Amber said she was really sorry that she had caused a problem ; she hadn 't meant to have them fight over her . She suggested they not talk anymore and Dan actually felt saddened by that , he told her that the tension at home would resolve itself and not to worry . The conversation between the girls never happened , Dan was happy because he didn 't want there to be a confrontation . Liz died about a week after the fight . Dan had spent that whole week hiding in his house not wanting to face the rest of the world . The police had circled his house repetitively taking statements and looking for evidence . They told him they were trying to clear him as a suspect . Amber showed up on Dan 's door step on a Saturday morning a week after the accident . He had literally just gotten off the phone with the investigator and gotten the news about not being the baby 's father . He hung up the phone to hear a knock at the door . Amber instantly through her arms around Dan and started crying on his shoulder , she felt so bad for him she couldn 't hold back her own tears . " Thanks . " He said thinly . She didn 't wait to be invited in . She set to work right away doing dishes and cleaning . Dan tried to tell her not to bother but she led him to the couch and covered him with a blanket . She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the forehead . It was the first time there had been any kind of contact like that between them . He felt warmed by it somehow and slipped into sleep . I had to get going and I didn 't want to disturb you . Your laundry 's in the dryer and there is dinner in the kitchen . I hope you feel better soon and make it back to school . I can 't make it through chemistry without you ( Joke ) . But school isn 't the same without my study partner . See you soon . When he returned to school his mood was bad and his grades fell . He barely squeaked by the first semester . If it wasn 't for his ability to sleep though class he would never have caught up . During that time he didn 't talk to anyone he went to school and hid at home . Amber showed up every few days to check on him and help keep his house somewhat clean . By the end of the semester his parents finally asked him what was wrong . They could tell when they called that there was a problem . Even on the phone he was more distant than usual . He bent the truth slightly and said that he had gotten a girl pregnant and was excited to be a dad . Then she been in a car crash and passed away with the baby . It was mostly true so he didn 't feel that bad leaving parts out . His parents were upset that he hadn 't been more careful with the girl but understood why he was distant . Once the new semester started Amber and Dan officially became best friends , from day one of the term they became inseparable . As the year progressed he couldn 't believe how comfortable he was with her like this is how it was meant to be . This excited and scared him at the same time he realized that if he let himself fall for her he would truly love her deeper than even his wife maybe Liz wasn 't so wrong to suspect something after all . Maybe this had only been a matter of time but with the realization that he was so in love meant that she had the power to betray him deeper in his sole then Liz had done . He would have confessed all this to Amber last year but he was afraid that she didn 't feel as strongly for him as he hoped . He couldn 't take a broken heart from her this close to losing his wife . Dan kept all his feelings for her bottled up and held it all close to his heart . They hung out all the time and had begun kissing and making out from time to time but he always held back only once letting go , that happened at the end of last year when he made love to her . " You 're heading back to the school ? The day 's well over by now . " Amber said shyly breaking him out of his memories . " I have to pick up Laney . I just hope she hasn 't left yet . " Laney was furious when Dan pulled up to the school . As he drove up she was on his driver 's side and he had his window down . He could see the anger radiating off of her . " Oh hi , " She smiled slyly , " I 'm Laney . " She had a knowing look on her face . Dan realized that Laney probably thought Amber was some just random girl he hooked up with . The girls had a fun night together , they cooked dinner and joked . After dinner Laney decided to go to her room and start re - arranging things now that it was her room . She hadn 't had much time for that the night before . This gave Amber and Dan time alone . They lay down on the couch and held each other until they passed out that night . Amber had never been more content in her entire life as she was finally falling asleep in his arms . She laid her head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat . It beat for her now as hers beat for him . A sudden sadness fell over her . She realized their whole relationship centered around a lie . But she couldn 't be honest with him . She hadn 't lied when she told him that he was the only man she had ever loved . She didn 't think she could ever love anyone else . She also had told him the truth when she said that he had taken her virginity . She had told the truth about both those things and those were the most important things . Was it really necessary to tell him the whole truth ? Would he hate her if she told him ? They weren 't officially dating until today so he had no right to be mad right ? But then what had he done while he was gone all summer . Did he go away and sleep with someone else after making love to her last year ? He said he loved her but he disappeared for a whole summer doing god knows what . That settled it . She decided that she would hold on to her secrets for now . She would see if she could get info from him about his summer with directly talking to her about it . This line of thought made her unhappy . After today she didn 't want unhappy thoughts . She 'd had the most amazing lovemaking ever and didn 't want to spoil that with unhappy things . Even when they had made love before it hadn 't been like today . She thought back to last year , it had been so wonderful she had spent the whole year working on him to get to that one night . She had known that Liz cheated on him she just hadn 't found a way to tell Dan . It hurt her that she loved him so much already at that time and his wife cared so little she was cheating on him . The day Dan had come to her explaining a fight they had over her she smiled inwardly and played innocent on the outside , it meant her plan was working . Amber would have stayed out of their relationship and left Dan alone if she hadn 't found out that Liz had cheated but she couldn 't stand back and not take the man she loved from an evil bitch who didn 't love and realize what she had . That 's how she finally made her move . She let him think he put the moves to her , but at Julie and Tammy 's party last June she had finally won him over enough . They were sitting outside drinking a couple of beers when she told him she was feeling really dizzy . Sad that worked but sometimes the old tricks still work . He brought her inside and laid her down on the bed she patted the bed next to herself and said she would feel better if he held her . She told him then she was feeling a little better and gave him her best cute puppy dog look . That was all it took . A little beer and doing the eyes and he was kissing her . They spent a couple hours in the room kissing , making love and holding each other , that had been wonderful , today had been almost perfect . " Yeah but it worked out once , Liz was great ! I loved her last year . She was so perfect , and so is Amber . What could it hurt to jump again ? " Dan broke at this point . He had already told his big secret to one of the most important girls in his life so why not his loving little sister . He told her the truth and her jaw hit the floor . She through her arms around him and hugged him . " You are . If you weren 't I wouldn 't be trying so hard to find someone just like you for me . " She said and blushed . " And if you weren 't the most sweet and trust worthy guy I knew I would be jealous to come out of the shower and see a beautiful girl with her arms wrapped around you confessing her adoration , sister or not . " Amber said from behind them surprising them both . They all laughed . " Yeah , I worked out what I needed to . Were actually official now . " He couldn 't keep the smile off his face when he said it . " About god damn time . It 's only been a year of beating around the bush . Speaking of witch please tell me that you 've at least seen her naked ? " Dan simply grinned in response . " Dude I want details ! She 's so hot . " " Oh well , be no fun . I 'm just glad your back . She called me almost every day at the end of the summer asking me if I had heard from you yet . " " It 's ok . I didn 't mind talking to her . She seemed really depressed and alone , " he smiled , " I took her out to the movies and dinner a couple times , and I see that look you 're giving me . Nothing happened . " " Anyway . . . . . . . . . . . So Friday night I 'm heading over to Storms Beach sometime after school but I know a lot of people aren 't planning to go until dark . You know this town after dark . " " Yeah , I know this town and I know Julies ' parties . " I told him and her nodded . All I knew for sure was that Friday night was going to be a night to remember . Read 13326 times | Great story , well written . It 's easy to follow and has a lot of meaning to it . I love this story already ! ! ! Post the next chapter ASAP ! Great story , well written . It 's easy to follow and has a lot of meaning to it . I love this story already ! ! ! Post the next chapter ASAP ! does CAW take points off for mis - used words like Sole for Soul ? or Lied for Laid . . . She laid down . . . she Lied to him when he asked her a question . Otherwise are we going to have a murder mystery here with this story ? Was it really an accident ? or did Amber have something to do with it ? OR did Dan knock her off ? And OH YEAH ! I see you promised to continue and finish TSB . We have a wedding to go to . and an Aunt and Nephew that need to get back together where they belong . I figure our hero is walking Abby down the isle to give her away in a same sex marriage to Katie , since Abby 's folks have basically disowned her . All good stuff otherwise . Thanks to the person below . I can 't say your right or wrong without giving away to much but I will say " You are indeed powerful as the Emperor has seen " . More TSB is being written today . Been busy haven 't had time to write as much as I would like . Thanks to everyone who liked this chapter but I will finish TSB before posting more .

The day finally arrived ! ! We signed the discharge papers , had our nurse take a picture of us and off we went . We were thrilled beyond words to be going down that elevator with our baby boy finally with us . Words truly can 't describe ! Landon fell asleep on the walk out of the hospital . We stopped at a couple rest stops for feedings and diaper changes , but other than that he slept the whole way . There really is something magical about a moving vehicle that just mesmerized him . It felt strange to enter our apartment after being gone for 6 weeks . Even now it just feels so strange . I did not come back to my old life . I keep waiting for something to feel the same , but apart from Ryan leaving for work this morning , everything is different . My schedule revolves around Landon 's feedings , diaper changes , mixing his bottles , getting him his meds on time , trying to find the time to pump , and just being with him and staring into those beautiful eyes . He LOVES being held and just walked around . Before yesterday , he had never been able to be held and walked around . His eyes just get huge and he 's so content and curious about everything : ) Everything is new to him too . We 're learning together : ) Our lives are still very crazy and busy though . Nursing visits will start this week , just to make sure his lungs aren 't retaining fluid , he 's gaining weight and doing well . Doctors visits start next week and we 're still figuring out his insurance situation which is scary because the bills are already rolling in . We thought we sent all the forms we needed , but we found you should never trust a fax machine . Hopefully that will all get worked out today with some phone calls . I had such a God moment yesterday . We were hours into our drive when Ryan turned on the radio and the song blessings was playing by Laura Story . I just stared at Landon and let the words wash over me and the tears fall . I used to sing this song to Landon when I was pregnant and I think it will be one that I 'll continue to sing to him as he grows . We want our son to grow up understanding that his pain has a purpose . God has a plan for his life . Ryan and I consider ourselves so blessed that we get front row tickets to watch his story unfold . We thought we would be leaving today and as the day went on it kept looking promising . Landon did great during the night without needing oxygen . They told us we could do his car seat test whenever he seemed ready , so we put him into clothes for the first time . Not easy since he still has a bunch of monitors on him and a big splint thing on his arm to keep his IV from bending . We put him in a 3 month outfit and he was swimming in it haha . We put him in his seat , strapped him in and tightened it . He did pretty good for the first hour and then it was a battle just to keep him distracted and calm . We couldn 't change his diaper or hold him for two hours and he did not like that , especially when he got the hiccups , which happened multiple times . As the hours went by and no one came in to do his hearing test we started getting worried . We decided that no matter what happened today Ryan would go back and work this week . If Landon got discharged later in the week we would stay at my aunts house until Friday . Ryan didn 't want to wait to long to leave , but he wasn 't going to leave if there was still a chance we could all go home . Finally , around 3 : 00 , a nurse came in and told us that the doctors want to wath Landons vitals for one more night and they also couldn 't get his hearing test for today so it will be in the morning . She appoligized and said she hates being the bearer of bad news . We had everything packed and a huge pile of luggage sitting on our couch . It was obvious to everyone who came into our room today that WE WANT TO GO HOME . Ryan and I talked after she left and decided that it wouldn 't make sense for him to go back today if we 're going to be discharged tomorrow morning . So , again , he had to call his boss and explain the situation . She has been beyond understanding this whole time and we really don 't want to take advantage of that . Yesterday morning when we arrived at the hospital we were told that they were just waiting for a room to be ready and then Landon would be moving up to the recovery floor . We were thrilled when we were told we would be moving in an hour . We hurried and packed up all our things and placed them on the cart . I walked the halls and snapped pictures of the PICU which has been our home for over two weeks . I was surprised at the emotions I felt . It has not been a terribly long time that we have been here , but when everyday is so new , so monumental , so scary , so emotional . . . well you just can 't explain it . We 've gone through so much and had so many different thoughts and feelings while sitting in Landon 's room in the PICU , we 've sat with family in the waiting room . We 've walked to the water fountain countless times , listened to rounds , gotten to know all the nurses and really like a few , came back at ridiculous hours just to check on Landon and give him kisses . We 've sat around his bed every morning , with a coffee in one hand and the other stroking our beautiful son or letting his tiny hand wrap around one of our fingers . There 's been a lot of tears shed in that room , but the amazing thing is , there 's probably been more laughter : ) It is where Ryan first got to hold Landon . It 's where I fed him his very first bottle . . . . so many memories . They brought in a HUGE crib bed for Landon . He looked so tiny in it . We walked behind the nurse as she wheeled Landon to the elevator , up three floors , down a very long hallway , and into his new room . It is so nice ! ! Huge windows with beautiful scenery , couch that turns into twin size bed , big tv with blue ray player , fridge and microwave , and most importantly . . . a SHOWER . That was all I needed to see to decide that I would move out of Ronald McDonald and in with Landon . We sat down on the couch as the nurse explained to us how things work on this floor and it didn 't take long for us to realize this is NOTHING like the NICU . The nurse told us that they really encourage the family to do everything they can . She said they try to check on their patients at least once an hour , but sometimes it 's every couple hours if no alarms are going off and they get busy with another patient . She told us what they want to see before they can send him home and she confirmed that he is doing well and looks like he belongs on the floor . When she was finished , she left and a door closed behind her . For the first time , I felt like we were on our own with Landon . . . . and this terrified me . We hadn 't eaten yet and needed to go to Ronald McDonald to get our things , but how could we leave him ? We are used to him having a nurse that is either with him in the room , watching and monitoring him from the window right outside his room , or just a couple doors away from him at all times . Someone checking on him maybe every hour ? That 's worse than leaving him with a babysitter ! We fearfully left him to go get our things , but every moment we were away I was picturing him laying in this huge bed , crying all by himself : ( We were not gone long and I was glad to find the nurse in his room when we returned . She told us that she just removed the oxygen thing from his nose . I was so glad to hear this because without that it would be so much easier to hold him . After she left I got his bottle ready and fed him . After he was done I was just holding him , wheAfter the nurse left I sat on the couch and just wanted to cry . So many fears overwhelmed me all of a sudden . I feel like I don 't know how to care for my child . I feel like I missed out on the first weeks of his life and I 'll never get that back . We 've done what we could up to this point , but really we haven 't been the ones taking care of him , all of his needs have been met by his nurses . I could probably count on one hand the number of times I 've fed him and changed his diaper . This makes me so sad . Now they expect me to just know what to do ? What if we take him home and he cries and turns blue again ? We 're not going to have oxygen to just pop onto him . We aren 't even going to have a monitor in our apartment . How will we know what his sats are at every second ? Ryan could tell I was feeling overwhelmed and he told me that we were going to be fine . He said that all new parents experience these feelings , we 're just experiencing them later . As the day went on they tried a couple more times to wean Landon off of the oxygen . He 's on such a low amount they don 't think he needs it , but for some reason he seems to think that he does . Every time they took it off of him , he did fine for a while , but whenever he gets upset and cries , his sats drop . I 'm not going to lie , this TERRIFIES me . Last night I found myself calming down enough to enjoy some family time . It felt good to not have a nurse hovering over us all the time . It was so nice to be in a room with our son that has a closing door that isn 't completely made out of glass . Ryan and I played a game and watched the movie " We Bought a Zoo " . It came out on Landon 's birthday so we figured we should buy it for him to watch when he 's older . I could actually just hold him while we watched it , such a great feeling . Something moms probably take for granted because their babies have never been hooked up to 10 different machines . We were told by the nurse that came on in the evening that they are hoping to get Landon out of here on Monday . I was SHOCKED to hear this ! ! ! I thought at least a week on this floor and Ryan was planning on leaving for Bismarck on Sunday . The nurse told us that Landon is doing everything he needs to be doing . He 's off of everything , if they can just get him to be ok without the oxygen . He 's eating good already . She said that all he needs is a car seat check , which I think they are going to do today and a hearing test on Monday . She said after those things he should be good to go since Ryan and I took our cardiac and cpr class last week already . As I 'm sure you can imagine , Ryan and I are thrilled with this news and also scared . All we 've wanted is to take Landon home and get into a family routine , but now that it 's so close to happening , we don 't feel ready yet . I 'm sure no one ever feels quite ready to take their first baby home , but how can you when every time he cries , he turns blue ? Please keep us in your prayers . We 're reaching the end of this portion of our journey and it 's daunting as we look ahead into the unknown . Tomorrow we will be checking out of Ronald McDonald and moving our other vehicle to my aunts house . We 're not sure how we 'll get it back to Bismarck yet because I 'll be riding in the backseat with Landon on the way home . Landon 's carseat check will also be today . This is not the kind of carseat check I was expecting . The nurse told us we 'll need to bring his carseat in and he 'll be placed in it for two hours and monitored to see how his sats do . There is so much going on , it 's an exciting , but scary time for us . It helps knowing we have so much love and support around us and to go home to . Thank you everyone ! We couldn 't have reached this point without your prayers . Although , they kept telling us the breathing tubes would be out within the hour , it wasn 't until around 5 : 00PM that they were finally able to take them out . I found it strange that they didn 't take out the feeding tube though . Landon was SO mad ! He was screaming and pulling at the tube . I asked the nurse why he had to have it since he didn 't last time they removed the breathing tubes . She gave me an answer , but after she left our nurse called her charge nurse and got the ok to remove it . It was so awesome to see more and more tubes and cords being taken off of him . He got to the point where I could take him out of his bed ON MY OWN to hold him ! He had such a busy day ! Landon 's surgery yesterday took around 3 hours . Afterwards Dr . Bryant , his surgeon came and told us that it went very well . He told us he was stable and his sats were in the 80s . He said he anticipated that the breathing tube could be taken out later that day and he could start eating right away . Landon has to be very awake and agitated before they can take out the breathing tube just so they know he 'll be able to breath properly on his own . Landon was to tired though and he slept through the night . As of now , we 've been told that he 's completely off of all his pain meds so that he 'll wake up . He 's been awake the whole time we 've been here this morning and initiating breaths on his own so the breathing tube should be out within an hour . We 've also been told that he will probably move up to the recovery floor today ! ! Such great news ! ! Progress ! ! Yesterday , before the surgery Dr . Bryant told us that he will have to come back in a couple of months to have the shunt taken out if the right side of his heart does what they are hoping it will do . They want the right ventricle 's walls to relax and thin out and hopefully begin to grow . If the right ventricle does not grow then we will have to take the route of a single ventricle heart child and begin to make it so that the left side of his heart can perform all the functions usually performed by the right . We are just taking things one step at a time though and right now we are just so thankful that his surgery was successful yesterday . Now we are moving on to recovery ! ! We are so proud of our little fighter . He has been through SO much in two short weeks , he deserves a break . We can 't wait to take him home ! ! I will keep you posted about how recovery is going and when it looks like we 'll be able to finally try out that carseat : ) Landon 's next surgery was scheduled for Thursday morning , but tonight the doctors decided to move it to tomorrow morning . His stats were in the low 60s for a while yesterday so thats why they 've decided to do it even sooner . They are not going to try to turn off the PGE before surgery because based on the echo of his heart it will do nothing except cause him distress to take away the medicine . This came as such a surprise to us that they want to move the surgery up a whole day . It was hard holding Landon tonight , knowing that tomorrow night he 'll have the tubes back in him and he won 't be responsive to us . It 's going to be so hard seeing him like that again . I feel like we 've taken so many steps forward this week , it breaks my heart he has to go back to how he was . As our nurse told us this morning though , this will just bring us one step closer to bringing him home . It 's still progress even though it feels like we 're back tracking . She told us his recovery will be much faster this time . He will probably only need the breathing tube and the sedation for two days . Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow . His surgery begins at 8 : 00AM . Pray that the surgery goes smoothly and that the shunt is successful in accomplishing what the doctors want it to . It is our fear that they will find something else wrong that needs to be fixed . We SO want this to be the last big thing so he can get back to the recovery phase and eating on his own again so we can take him home soon . Yesterday I was sitting by Landon 's bed talking to a doctor when all of a sudden alarms started going off everywhere . She ran out of the room into the room next to Landon 's . Many other doctors swarmed into the room and hallway . I could hear her screaming and telling everyone in the room to get a mask on ! I watched as the mother of the child next door stood there numb . I saw the fear in her eyes and it made me cry . As more doctors and machines came the mother walked to the waiting room . You could tell that this was serious . The nurses stood behind the long desk whispering , some were holding back tears as well . Our nurse calmly came in and pulled the curtain , but I could still see out the side window . After a while things settled and I could tell that the child was stable again . Doctors began to exit the room and take off their gloves and masks . Large machines were still being brought into the room , I 'm sure many tests had to be done . Witnessing this shook my heart . It made me realize just how fragile these heart kids are . Landon has been so blessed and is doing so well , but everything can change in just a moment . Every room on this floor holds a fragile heart of a strong child . Everyday is a victory for them . Everyday a battle . There are kids on this floor who are waiting for a new heart . Their families visit each day and sit by their beds without their child ever acknowledging their presence . They are being kept alive on a machine until a heart becomes available . I can 't imagine . These families are strong . Being the parent of a heart child means never taking anything for granted . The parents here are not concerned with their child going to the best school or being good at sports , they just want their child to be well enough to come home again . I pray that no matter what happens in the future . Whether Landon recovers and his heart grows with him or if we have many more hospital visits and surgeries ahead of us , I hope we never forget to cherish every moment . I pray we always remember what is really important . I hope we are a family that is familiar with suffering , and don 't forget to help those in need as we have been helped . To comfort those who are hurting as we have been comforted . It is my fear that we will live a " normal " life . I can 't believe I am saying this because months ago all I wanted was our normal back , but through our experiences with Landon God has opened our eyes to a new world that we didn 't know existed before . It is a scary world , full of pain and suffering , but in this world we know what really matters . . . life . It can slip away in a moment , before an alarm is even sounded , so we never forget those good - bye and good - night kisses and we never forget to tell our children and those close to us that we love them because life is so fragile . It seems like forever since I have written . Time flies here , and it is hard to find the time to write sometimes . If I have the choice between writing a blog or holding Landon and studying him for hours I 'm going to choose him every time . The sun did shine much brighter on Wednesday . Landon got his breathing tube out that morning . It was hard to watch them pull it out and afterwards you could tell his throat hurt terribly . He just kept sticking out his tongue and blowing bubbles . He 'd wrinkle his face and open his mouth so wide but no cry would come out . Finally after quite a while he began to let out squeaky little cries . My boy has his voice again : ) I don 't think I will ever get sick of hearing him cry ( ask me in a couple months ; ) . Ryan and I were so enthralled with him . Every noise he made was fascinating to us because we hadn 't heard him since the day he was born . We just hung out in the room and waited . He seemed to be doing great . Every time the doctors came in to check on him they just confirmed that everything looked really good . We were told that we could hold him in a couple hours . Ryan got a call from his supervisor and left the room for a while . When he came back the nurse asked if he wanted to hold him ? He was so excited and nervous as the nurse placed Landon in his arms . I snapped a million pictures . We both were smiling from ear to ear . We finally reached this mountaintop milestone and everything we faced the past couple days just didn 't matter as we gazed into our son 's face . After Ryan was done holding him he took me aside and told me that his supervisor told him he could have as much time off as he needed . She told him that she talked to his client and told them that he had a family emergency so the project he was working on would have to wait for a while . She told Ryan not to worry that they would find the hours he needed and she understands that if he came back his mind wouldn 't be there . Ryan told her that he will be back as soon as Landon has his next surgery and is recovering well . I just stood there in disbelief . I still don 't know how this is possible . I 'm not going to ask questions , I just praise God for blessing Ryan with such an amazing company to work for . I think back to when were engaged and he was in school . We wI held Landon for a good two hours when they brought me a bottle . I was so excited to get to give him his first bottle . It took a while to get him to the point where he was awake enough to take it . We were all so excited as he began to suck . He did a great job ! Another milestone ! Thursday morning I woke up early to pump , but started getting really bad cramps . I could hardly make it to the bed to lay down . I was crying out in pain . They felt more like contractions then cramps . I actually entertained the thought for a couple seconds that maybe I had another baby inside of me and I was in labor haha . It 's funny thinking back , but at the time I was in pain and recalling every episode I 've ever watched of " I didn 't know I was pregnant " . Ryan was getting ready to leave to go back to Bismarck . He needs to get some stuff from home , check our mail , turn in some documents for things , and run some other needed errands . He was really worried about me and didn 't want to leave me by myself . I told him I would be fine . My parents were on their way to pick me up and bring me to the hospital . I made myself get up and get ready , said good - bye to Ryan , then laid back down until my parents got there . The cramps weren 't getting better and it was painful to stand and walk , but I was determined to be with my baby . We got there and I sat with Landon for as long as I could , but I just felt like I was going to pass out . When his nurse came back into the room I told her that I really wasn 't feeling well and as hard as it is I was going to go back to the house and get some rest . I asked her if my parents could stay in the room with him while I was gone . She said that would be fine and told me to get some rest and not worry about him . So I went back to the house and slept for the next four hours . When I woke up I felt much better and just wanted to get back to Landon . My dad brought me back to the hospital and I just sat next to his bed . It still really hurt to move . I was glad when the nurse told me I was right on time for his feeding . I tried to feed him , but he was so tired he wasn 't taking it . The speech therapist was in his room at the time and had me sit him up in his bed to try to wake him up . I was standing by his bed holding him up and trying to listen to what the therapist was saying when all of a sudden I got really dizzy and nauseous . I tried to keep listening but it got to the point where I was thinking I 'm either going to drop Landon , throw up on him , or faint . As embarrassing as it was I told the therapist that I needed to sit down . He took Landon and finished his feeding for me . I stayed at the hospital a couple more hours then went out to eat to celebrate my moms birthday . After I said good night to Landon , I went back to the house and collapsed into bed . I 'm realizing that I need to take more time for myself . I forget that it was less then two weeks ago that I had Landon . As soon as he was born everything went so fast and all of my focus turned to him . The first week was so crazy and stressful I had no time to rest and heal . I think it 's catching up to me now . Today I woke up feeling much better . I tried taking the shuttle to the hospital and learned that if it doesn 't see you , it doesn 't stop . So I waited in the entry way for another half hour and made sure I was outside in the rain the next time it drove by , lesson learned . Said good - bye to grandma and grandpa Ray today . Grandma and grandpa Max left on Monday . Ryan will be returning from Bismarck tomorrow so for the first time it 's just Landon and me . I love just sitting by his bed and staring at him . I sing to him and talk to him . He is like a different baby now . Ever since they got that breathing tube out of him and swaddled him in a blanket he is so content . He would love to sleep all day . He does not like anytime they have to unswaddle him . He was so exposed the first week of his life and I think now he feels like he got his wish and he 's back in Mommas tummy . His feedings are going pretty well . The doctors are happy with how much he is eating . The speech therapist explained to me that for heart babies eating is hard work . He 's going to have some feedings where he does great and others where he 's just too tired . I have found this to be so true with Landon . He has a really hard time waking up to eat . When he 's eating he breaths really fast and his heart beats like crazy . You have to really watch him to make sure he 's breathing between drinking because he 'll forget and then he chokes . Scares mom to death when this happens , but I 'm learning . Today he 's taken two bottles for me and he did really great , it just takes a lot of patience . Overall though the doctors are amazed with how well he is doing . Yesterday he got all but one of the wires and tubes taken out of his belly button . He 's now just on a tiny bit of oxygen . Echo 's have shown that since taking out the breathing tube there is now some flow through his tricuspid ( really don 't know if I spelled that right ) valve into his right ventricle where before there was no flow . This is huge ! Plans are to keep getting him to eat and just let him breath on his own and do We are so proud of our Landon ! Thank you everyone for all of the prayers . I will try to keep updates coming . I know so many of you pray for Landon on a daily basis and love hearing how he 's doing . Ryan added a photos tab to the blog so we 'll try to keep updating that as well with pictures of our handsome lil man . Our life has become so exhausting and emotionally draining . Today was hard . We were told Landon would have his breathing tube removed this morning , but during rounds this morning they decided to do the shunt tomorrow or soon this week . So we started preparing ourselves for another surgery . We talked with doctors off and on and asked them questions , but nobody can really give us for sure answers about what is going to happen because they make all decisions as a team and each person in the team kind of has their own idea of what they think will be done or what they think should be done . As the day went on the plan changed and it no longer looked like there would be another surgery for at least a week . So the question became to take take out the tube now or to keep it in ? Ryan and I ran to Target to get some things and when we got back there was a circle of 11 doctors outside of Landon 's room . We were glad we made it back in time for evening rounds . As we were listening I just became more and more disturbed . There are so many different strong opinions about what should be done to Landon . One of the main doctors feels very strongly that his breathing tube should be taken out and he will do just fine . Dr . Bryant , our surgeon does not want the tube taken out because he will have to have it put back in for surgery next week . It is very concerning for a parent to know that there is disagreement amongst the team that is making the decisions that are so important to the life of your child . Talking to the nurse afterwards about what was said during rounds , she told us that it is dangerous to keep a breathing tube in for so long , if they decide to keep it in until after surgery they would be risking him getting pneumonia or other infections . Ryan and I know that we are Landon 's advocates , but right now we just feel so helpless . We do not know what is the best route for him . We obviously do not want him to get really sick from having the tube in and it is so painful to watch your baby be so uncomfortable and pull at the tape on his mouth . It 's heartbreaking to watch him wrinkle his face in pain , but not be able to cry out . I hate standing by him when I know that he 's hurting because I feel like he 's just begging me to fix it , but I can 't . Yesterday I stood by him and let him squeeze my finger with his tiny hand while they pulled a chest tube out of him and stitched him back up . You cannot tell me he doesn 't feel pain . His face was grimacing and even though he was silent my heart could hear him screaming in agony . I just kept whispering to him that it 's ok and it won 't be forever . I told him that I hear him and I love him so much . He is so strong . I stayed strong for him yesterday , but when we got back to Ronald McDonald and I was laying in bed I just broke . People tell me he won 't remember any of this , but I will never forget . I can still see his face . I understand now why God had to look away when Jesus was hanging on the cross . I don 't think there is anything more painful for a parent then having to watch your child suffer and not being able to do anything about it . I just sobbed last night . I hate that he knew I was there and I didn 't stop them from hurting him , but I would of never let go of his hand . As painful as it was to be there , I couldn 't leave him . He hates his tubes , but I hate that if they take them out they will have to put them back in again and that means even more pain and trauma for him to go through . I wonder what he thinks of this world . I think if he had the choice he would go back to being in my womb . He could move around inside of me , he could breath and no one was constantly poking and probing him . I look at him and I 'm so sad that this is his experience . I tell him all the time that it won 't always be this way . It 's just not fair . It 's not fair that my perfect baby boy has to face so much and he 's only a week old . He didn 't do anything to deserve the pain he endures . I know God has a plan . We are still praying and trusting him everyday and we have seen so many blessings and miracles in our child 's life . It 's so hard to remember the blessings when you look into your babies eyes and see pain though . It 's starting to become overwhelming for us . I see the sadness building in both me and Ryan . Ryan is starting to think about leaving this weekend and thats breaking his heart and I 'm starting to think about being alone . I don 't know how I 'm going to handle these daily trials and decisions by myself . I won 't have Ryan to look to for wisdom and strength each day : ( It is so hard for Ryan to feel helpless here I can 't imagine how hard it 's going to be for him to be away from Landon . Please pray that we continue to lean on God for strength and wisdom . This is way too much for us . We just want to be done . We want to take our baby and go home , but that is not an option : ( It is nine o clock and as of now we have been told that they are going to take out the tube tonight . We aren 't getting our hopes up that this will actually happen , but we told the nurse to call us tonight at any time if they do decide to take it out tonight . We want to be here even though they 've told us it will not be pleasant . It will be very painful to take out the tube and once it 's out his throat is going to be extremely sore . We are going to go back to the house as soon as I 'm done writing this . We 'll try to eat something and maybe get some sleep while we wait for the phone to ring . I hope this post hasn 't sounded too depressing . All of the doctors tell us that he is doing very well , but this isn 't being written by a doctor it 's being written from a parents heavy heart . We do have good days , but today just happened to be a really hard , exhausting day . Thank you so much for your prayers . Your prayers , love , and support carry us through these days . Hopefully the sun will shine brighter tomorrow . Yesterday morning they turned off the PGE ( med that has been keeping valve open ) and Landon did not tolerate it . The doctor told us sometimes it takes up to 24 hours for the patient to react to it , but Landon let them know within the first hour that he wasn 't having it . His Stats went way up and his blood pressure dropped dramatically . They resumed the PGE and within a couple hours he was stable again . We spoke with Dr . Bryant last night and he told us that it is going to take patience to really determine what is the best route to take . We need to wait and let Landon decide . He would like to try to take him off of the PGE at least one more time before they do surgery to replace the valve . During rounds today they decided that since they will be waiting for at least a couple days to do surgery there is no reason to keep him sedated and on the ventilator so today they will be weening him off of those which is great news ! This means he will be fully awake and breathing on his own since his first days of life . This means daddy will finally get to hold him . He 's been waiting so long : ) We had an exciting morning already today . We got here and found that Landon has a nasty red rash on his neck . They told us that they just discovered it and it 's due to moisture and him not being able to move his head . They called a wound specialist and hopefully it 'll heal up quickly . Ryan and I were over his bed and his nurse was monkeying with some stuff when I started to notice him squinting his eyes and slowly he opened them . I 'm so happy that every time he 's decided to open his eyes we 've been here . I think it 's because he hears our voices . He had them open just long enough for me to snap some great pictures of him looking up at daddy then he fell back asleep . I was in the bathroom when I heard an alarm going off , I rushed out to find two nurses and Ryan around Landon . I guess his breathing tube came undone and his nurse wasn 't in the room so we had to call her . Ryan found what was wrong and put it back together before she even got back . He 's so calm when it comes to stuff like that . Landon is so blessed to have such an amazing papa . We just take things one day at a time . As much as we wish we could just rush through all the hardest parts and get to the recovery phase so we can take him home , we realize that this is going to be a lengthy process . Landon overcomes so much each day with every small change they make for him . He is an amazing child and we are so proud of how he is doing . The nurses all love him and marvel at his strength . He will grip your finger and he won 't let it go : ) He will do whatever he can to have his hands up by his face no matter how many times they put them down by his sides . Now he has to wear little socks on his hands because he loves to play with his face and put his fingers in his eyes . He actually sucks on his breathing tubes like it 's a pacifier : ) Even while sedated he is our Landon and we are loving everyday we get to know him more : ) We received the greatest gift today ! We were eating lunch with Ryan 's parents when Ryan 's cell rang . It was his boss . He went into the lobby to speak with her . I figured she was just calling to make sure he was going to be at work on Monday . He was out there for quite a while and I was beginning to worry that maybe something was wrong . Ryan came back to the table and I could tell right away something had happened . He sat down and said that his boss has been reading Landon 's blog ( I had no idea she even knew about it ) . She talked to the company and people have given up their paid vacation time so that Ryan can have another week here with us . Me and Michelle just cried , I 'm still brought to tears whenever I think about it . I just can 't believe that people we don 't even know would be so kind to us . I can 't even write about it because I am speechless . All I can say is thank you . Wendy if you are reading this , thank you from the bottom of my heart . This act of kindness has meant the world to us . It means our family can be together another week . It means we can truly celebrate Easter together tomorrow . It means if Landon has to have another surgery on Monday I won 't have to sit in that waiting room without his daddy 's hand to hold . I cannot thank you enough for giving me such a gift and know that we are praying God pours out his blessings on you and on everyone who have chosen to be such a blessing to us . Yesterday was one of the longest and most emotional days of my life . As Landon was in the OR they would call us with updates of what was going on . Our hearts would jump every time the phone would ring . Finally we got the call that they were closing and the surgeon would be out to tell us how everything went . Those were a very long 30 min ! Dr . Bryant finally came out and asked us to come back into a room with him . We followed him into a room with a couch and a whiteboard . He drew a picture of a heart and began to explain what they did in the OR . Honestly I really don 't understand so much of what he said , but when he was explaining about the hole that they accidentally made during the heart cath . He said that before the surgery there was a lot of blood flowing through it , but after the surgery there is NONE . " This is amazing ! " Those were his exact words . He was blown away . He said that the hole is pretty much all thick muscle and should just close on it 's own now and not be a problem . I just cried and squeezed Ryan 's hand . Another miracle ! ! He went on to explain that they were successful in opening the valve and that it is working good , but that it 's not all perfect . He is still receiving the PGE medicine that 's keeping the extra valve open . The doctors don 't know if his heart is depending on this extra valve or not . If Landon 's heart needs this extra valve then they will go back in his heart through the incision that was already made and they will sew in a new man - made valve for him that will grow with the heart . This operation won 't require Landon 's heart to go on bypass so that 's good , and the surgeon assured us that he had done this type of procedure many times and that there were almost no risks involved . We won 't know exactly how the doctors will want to fix everything for a couple more days . The nurses are slowly weaning him off of the ventilator and the PGE and the other medicines to see how he reacts . After that the doctors will have a better idea of what the heart needs to pump Landon 's blood and fully saturate his lungs and body . Also , the right ventricle may still be a problem because it is now pumping extra hard because of all the changes they 've made . this squeezing is putting a lot of pressure on that side of the heart now so that is another thing they want to keep an eye on . He said that Landon was on his way back to the PICU and we would be able to see him soon , but to be prepared because he would be blue . After he left I cried , this time it was tears of joy not fear . I feel so blessed beyond measure to have this child who God is using to AMAZE the doctors . I realized that through what we thought was a setback and complication to the surgery God used it to bring Himself glory . That just blows me away ! We all went back up to the PICU waiting room until they said that ryan and I could go see him . I was prepared for the worst . When we got there , there was still quite a few people in his room trying to get everything hooked back up . It was extremely hard to see our baby covered in cords and tubes . Even more than we were used to seeing . He has a long bandage over his chest so we couldn 't see the incision just a tube coming out of it pumping out the blood from the incision . Soon after they brought him back they did an echo to see how the right ventricle was pumping . This was one of the hardest things for me to watch . Not because it is painful for him in any way , but just seeing them put the goop on his tiny belly and pressing that little wand thing into his little tummy reminded me of every time they did that to me . The realization hit me so hard that I cannot protect him anymore . I would do anything if I could go through this for him , but I can 't . Wow , even now I 'm brought to tears again . You just feel so helpless as a parent . We 're supposed to be the ones protecting and supporting him and right now all we can do is watch our tiny baby fight through this . He looked so lifeless . Just this tiny body surrounded by people speaking doctorese and machines that are keeping him alive and monitoring everything about him . While we were in the waiting room I received a call from Ronald McDonald house letting me know they had a room for us if we choose to take it . I told her I didn 't know yet , that our son was in surgery right now , but I would talk to Ryan and get back to her later . My mind really wasn 't able to think about anything except Landon then and the thought of staying away from him makes me really sad . Ryan and I talked about it though and decided that we should call back and accept the room and we could look at it and then decide if we wanted to keep it . So after Landon was settled in his room , we decided to go to the house and check in . I HATE leaving ! It is so hard to drive away . It 's hard to open our back door and see an empty carseat . We drove up to a huge white house with a statue of Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench out front . We went in and I was blown away at how nice it is . The house manager gave us a tour then handed us our keys . Before seeing the house we really didn 't know if we would stay there , but after seeing it Ryan really felt like it would be in my best interest to stay there . He knows if I stay at the hospital with Landon I would probably go days if not weeks without getting fresh air . Sleeping on a pull out chair is not the best and lugging all of my shower stuff down a hospital hall every morning is not ideal . We both decided that the house has everything you could want . . . except Landon . The hard thing is he 's the only thing we want . It was really an answer to prayer to get on at the house though . It usually takes a long time for families to be on the waiting list there , but we were only on for a day and a room opened . They have shuttle service to the hospital every half hour so I can park at the house and save a lot of money not parking at the hospital . They have supper provided every evening and lunch and supper on the weekends so I will save money on food . When talking with the social worker yesterday about it , she was helping me weigh the pros and cons and she said one of the best things about iRyan and did sleep much better on a real bed last night . We got to the hospital this morning and Landon is doing good . He was stable throughout the night . They tried taking him off Dopamine ( blood pressure med ) but he didn 't react to it well so they put him back on . Today is just going to be a recovery day for him . They are playing with the levels of the sedation medicine and fluid they 're giving him . The goals he has are to be weaned off of the ventilator , PGE ( med that is keeping valve open ) , and the sedation medicine . It is tricky though because his body has been relying on these things for so long . It sounds like tomorrow they are going to stop the PGE and see how he does without it . Please pray that he reacts to it well . If we can get him off that we may be able to avoid another trip to the OR . Tomorrow is our first Easter with Landon . This is exciting , but I 'm also going to be really sad because Ryan will be leaving tomorrow around noon so he can get back to Bismarck : ( I really don 't know how I 'm going to handle being here without him , but I know God will get us through . I cannot thank you enough for your prayers . Yesterday we felt everyones love and the power of their prayers holding us up and carrying us through every hour . We are so blessed . I have never understood the love of Christ more than today . John 3 : 16 has so much more meaning to me now when it says because God loved the world so much he gave his one and only son . There is NO greater love and sacrifice than that . Me and Ryan just leaned over our Landon 's bed , over all the unplugged tubes and cords , kissed his forehead and told him to be strong and we love him . The tears haven 't stopped . I find comfort in knowing that we have a God who understands and sympathizes with us . He has felt this pain , He has watched his child be torn open and he went through that pain because of His extreme love for us . He gave His only son so that our only son could have life . Not just life on this world , but an eternal one . Our child has already known so much pain . He 's gone through more medically in three days than some people face in a lifetime . We are terrified today . We are numb . We are holding our breath . Even in the midst of the fear and pain , I can 't help but be amazed that today is the day the world celebrates and remembers the sacrifice of our savior . I always thought it was wrong to call today " good " friday . I doubt the disciples and the ones who loved and adored Jesus would have called it good while they were watching their hope be crucified . Praise God we know the outcome of the pain and agony . That is why we can call this day " good " . I know God can already see the outcome of this day in Landon 's life and I believe that even though it is painful and terrifying right now , God can say it is good because He knows the outcome and He knows that Landon is shining His glory . Our prayer for Landon 's life is that God be glorified through it and His love be shown to the world . This has already been accomplished in such amazing ways . We hate feeling helpless and not being able to be with our baby , but God is with Him . God is not helpless . He is more powerful than any surgeon . He knit Landon together and He can fix his tiny heart in an instant . Our hope is in the God who gave it all up and then resurrected hope again for all mankind . Tonight Ryan and I are sleeping on pull out chairs , but we are only a curtain away from our lil man so the inevitable back aches in the morning are completely worth it . Wow , what a day ! Days here go incredibly fast and it is unbelievable how much happens in such a short amount of time . I am going to try to make this quick so I can get at least 4 hours of sleep tonight . We received some amazing news today ! When talking with the surgeon who will perform Landon 's surgery tomorrow . He told us that Landon 's right ventricle is actually just a little smaller than a normal one . Because of this , Landon will not need to have surgery again until he is much older ( 10 , teens , or even 20 or older ) I was holding Landon as the surgeon was telling us this and I just closed my eyes and praised God for a miracle . Just a couple months ago , at his last fetal echo , I was told that his right ventricle was " hardly existent " and now I was hearing that it is just a little smaller than normal . Only God could make it grow that quickly ! Landon 's diagnosis is now completely different then we were originally told . That is the power of prayer ! I 'm crying as I write this because I know that most of you who will read this have played a role in healing our Landon and there are not words to express the gratitude we have . Landon has been so uplifted in prayer and because of it we will not have to see him go through more surgeries in the next couple years . Please rejoice with us in this victory ! ! ! With that said , we are now asking for even more prayer . We finally got out of the hospital for the first time today and went out for supper with our parents . After supper Ryan went to the mall to get a couple things with his mom and dad and I asked my parents if they would drop me off at the hospital so I could pump and get some much needed rest . They wanted to walk me up to the room and say good night to Landon . When we got up to Landon 's room there was a couple doctors I 'd never met doing an echo on him . I stood by his bed and kept switching my gaze from Landon to the monitor and listening to what they were saying . I wasn 't understanding much of it , when the doctor said " I may as well explain this to you since you 're here now too . " He pointed at the screen and showed me where the ventricular septum is . This is the wall of the heart that separates the right from the left ventricle . Then he showed me something that looked like a small hole . He began to explain that they started noticing some changes in Landon early this morning so they wanted to do an echo . It looks like there was a hole burned in the ventricular septum during the heart cath yesterday . We were told that there was a risk of this happening and it is a very serious problem . He said it is fixable but they are probably going to have to postpone his surgery until they can get it fixed . He told us some other things , but I want to wait to say more until we talk with his surgeon in the morning . As he was telling us this I started to cry . I feel like whenever we get some really great news and build up hope something else comes up that steals the joy we had . I was still emotional when Ryan and his parents got here . Ryan hugged me and his mom prayed over us . It would be easy to let this bad news cloud out the great news we received today , but a miracle is a miracle and there is no way that we have forgotten God 's faithfulness to Landon and to us . It was just so hard to hear that my baby boy is going to have to go through more . It is so hard for me to look at my beautiful , perfect little boy and know that there are these problems inside of him . He is so perfect , so tiny , so peaceful . Everyday I fall more in love with him . Even with his face all squished and taped shut I think he is the cutest thing in the world . It is going to be excruciating if we hand him over to the surgeon tomorrow , but we know that it 's inevitable . We 've been telling him that he 's almost done , that it 's going to get better . But now with this set back we really don 't know how long it will be . Please please please keep praying friends , it works . Landon is already proof of that . He is our miracle and no matter what tomorrow holds God 's glory shines through his tiny body . Every moment in his presence is such a gift . I cannot believe it was only yesterday that Landon was born . He has already experienced so much in his short amount of time here . This morning Ryan and I went down to the NICU right away and there was our bright eyed boy , wide awake . The nurse he had today calls him " the thinker " because he is just so aware and curious about everything that 's going on around him . She told me I could sit down and hold him which I was thrilled about because I really didn 't get to see him very long yesterday . I sat down and she carefully placed him in my arms . I could of stayed there all day ! He stared at me then he 'd stare up at his daddy who was busy taking a ton of pictures . He makes the silliest faces , I 've never seen a newborn make so many different expressions . Me and Ryan just watched him and laughed , he 's so silly : ) He also likes to keep his hand up by his face all the time , which I think is so cute because thats always how he was in the ultra sound pictures . He eventually fell asleep in my arms . . . he looked so peaceful and happy . I reluctantly gave him back to the nurse . When she took him she accidentally grabbed my IV cord along with all of his cords . I thought about how annoying that one tube is for me and here is my baby boy only 1 day old having to be hooked up to a dozen different cords . He is such a lil trooper . We went back to our room and shortly after a man came in and introduced himself . He told us he would be the head surgeon during Landon 's heart catheterization today . He explained the procedure to us and informed us of the risks . He confirmed the hope we gained from our knowledge yesterday that if this surgery went successfully Landon would not need open heart surgery . He said that he would still need to stay two weeks to recover , but no other surgeries would be needed at this time . He explained that what they would do is place a long tiny tube up into Landon 's thigh all the way to his heart . This tube will give them a better idea of how his blood is flowing and their hope is that they can use it to make an opening where the valve should be that Landon does not have . This shunt would then allow blood to flow to the lungs and would be a temporary fix until the next surgery . He explained that this will not make his heart " normal " , this will only fix the problem temporarily . He told us that Landon will be sedated and will have breathing tubes inserted , but they should be able to come out shortly after the surgery . He made it very clear that this is not an easy procedure . The spot where the tube has to enter is very small and often hard to find . There is a risk of them going through the walls of his heart which would not be good at all . He explained more risks , answered our questions , we signed some consent forms , and off he went . The surgery was scheduled for 10 : 50 and he told us that it should only take an hour . The nurse in the NICU told us she would call after his surgery when we could go down and see him . Ryan and I were very hopeful . Just the thought of him not having to have an open heart surgery yet and maybe being able to take him home so much sooner was more than we hoped for . So we went about our day which consisted of meeting with different people , signing different papers , calling insurance companies , and trying to pump milk every couple hours in between all the interruptions . . . not easy . Our day went so When they got back I could tell that Ryan was sad . I asked him if it was going to make me sad seeing him and he said probably . They want to keep him sedated and he 's on a ventilator now so it 's different . After our parents left we went down there together . I thought I was prepared to see him , but nothing can prepare you to see your baby who was so awake and aware , sedated . His little face is all squished together by tape so the tube in his throat doesn 't move . He is still trying to breath on his own so sometimes his little chest will pause for a couple seconds and then the machine will kick in and it 'll kind of convulse quickly . I couldn 't help but tear up when I looked at him . I know he 's safe . I know God is holding him and so near to him . His nurse tonight told us that there will be a big meeting with all the teams tomorrow to discuss future plans , but it sounds like if the surgery is scheduled for Friday or Monday they will probably want to keep him sedated and on the ventilator until after . This broke my heart to hear . I know now God was giving me such a gift this morning when I got to be with him and he was so happy and silly and then he just fell into a peaceful sleep all of a sudden . I feel like it was Gods way of showing me that he is at peace . He 's still our silly , beautiful , little boy inside that little body covered with tubes , cords , and bandages . He is our lil trooper . So strong , so brave . Please pray for wisdom for the doctors as they meet tomorrow and decide what the next steps are . Pray for strength for Ryan and I . It is so hard to watch our baby go through this , we feel helpless . Pray for our Landon , that his little body will continue to be strong . I am flooded with so many emotions as I begin to write this post . I have always hated good - byes . How do you say good - bye to something th . . . Yesterday was . . . . hard , but it was also good . Ryan got up early and took the day off . I told him he didn 't have to , but looking back I a . . . Wow ! Where do I start ? Today was amazing , mind blowing , heart wrenching and so much more ! My heart is overflowing and I am consumed w . . .

Picture a city street at night . Picture fire , all over the place . Picture me , in the middle of mayhem , trying to organise a bucket chain because , guess what , the main water conduit got a direct hit and if we want to put the fire out - we do want to put the fire out - we need to get our water from three blocks away . And then there 's someone shouting . " Somebody still in there ! " And no one has the guts to go into the burning building and find out who it is and what can be done for them , if anything can be done for them , and fool that I am , I do go in because - just because . I guess I 'm an idiot . And then , imagine a deafening crash , and picture everything going black . " No longer a colonel , " I murmured . " Mister Brandon will do . What do you want ? " Money , probably , was my guess . Everyone seemed to want money from me these days . " But you used to be a colonel in the army . My friend Thompson says he knew you . " Whoever this bloke was , he didn 't know when to leave things well enough alone . " Do you want the job or shall I go elsewhere ? " the bloke said , rather sharply this time . That gave me pause . I did need a job , desperately , and the bloke looked like someone who was willing to pay through his nose for whatever it was that he wanted me to do . I was not in the position to let an opportunity slip . I hadn 't paid any rent for the past two months ; there were grocer 's bills to think of and , worst of all , there was Eliza . Poor , foolish Eliza . " Let 's have it then , " I said , leaning back in my chair and looking him in the face for the first time . Quite a good - looking fellow , I thought . " My name 's John Willoughby , " he said , and gave me his address . Mayfair , I noted - so there was plenty of money . All the better for me , I thought . " This is about my wife , Jane . " " Cheating on you , is she ? " I asked . I hoped that was it - if there was any justice in the world , Cary - Grant - lookalikes ought to be cheated on just like the rest of us . He laughed . " If only that was it ; I 'd kick her out and get over it . No , " he became serious again , " it 's much worse than that . She 's a bit . . . . " He paused , obviously making an effort to find the right word . " Round the bend . " " Her great - grandmother - " here he gave the name of a famous Victorian society belle " - died at the age of twenty - nine . She committed suicide , in fact . Threw herself in front of a train and BANG ! My wife is twenty - nine , now , too . " " She is getting treatment , but I don 't want her confined , " Willoughby said . " She 's no danger to anyone but herself . And that 's where you come in . I want you to follow her around and make sure she doesn 't do anything foolish . " " Exactly . She has this urge to do away with herself , she says . She believes it 's her great - grandmother egging her on . Now the doctors say there is nothing that can be done to stop her short of locking her up but as I said I don 't want to do that . Can you imagine what she 'd suffer in a lunatic asylum ? A fragile , intelligent woman like her ? I can 't do that to her , I just can 't . " He sighed . " And I don 't want to lose her either . So I need someone to be there and keep her safe until the doctors have done their job and she 's better . I wish I could be there for her but you know how it is . I 've got a job to do , I can 't be around all the time . " " The doctors got that one right , " I pointed out . " If someone really , really wants to do away with themselves there 's nothing you can do to stop them . At one point or another they will succeed . A brilliant woman like your wife will always be able to come up with a way . " " It 's not that I don 't want to , it 's simply that I 'm afraid it can 't be done . There are some places where I can 't follow your wife - what if she goes into the ladies ' room to powder her nose and quickly swallow two bottles of sleeping pills ? And then there 's this … little problem of mine . Did your friend Thompson tell you about that ? " " It 's not so much claustrophobia really , " I said . " Not any more . Still , having been buried alive does have its … its repercussions . I can manage up to a certain point . But I draw the line at dark tunnels . Large , well - lit ones - I am fine with those , sort of , which means I can go there without panicking these days . " " Because he , like everyone else , needs a day off occasionally . Besides I don 't think Jane would want him to follow her around . Too obvious . Whereas you can mingle and disappear in the crowd . I take it you 're willing to take on the job ? " A thousand quid plus expenses and no questions asked . You didn 't argue with that kind of money . For that sum , I 'd hold Mrs Willoughby 's hand and sing her to sleep at night if her husband wanted me to . I decided to go to the National Portrait Gallery , where according to Willoughby I would find his wife most of the time these days . " They have a portrait of her great - grandmother on display , " he explained . " She spends hours sitting there quietly and staring at it . Uncanny , I call it . One might almost think there 's something to that story she keeps telling me . " She was there . Willoughby had given me a photograph and I recognised her at once - a stunning blonde in her twenties , well - dressed and immaculately made - up . Sitting quietly on a bench and ignoring everything around her , she was staring at a painting ; the painting of another stunning blonde dressed in the style of a much earlier age . The likeness was striking - although that may have been because Mrs Willoughby was wearing clothes in the same colour as the lady in the picture , and seemed to have made an effort to achieve a similar effect with her hair . There was even an exact copy of the bouquet in the picture lying next to Mrs Willoughby on the bench . She didn 't notice me , even though I walked into the room and had a look round to discover where the exits were and where I could stay for a while without drawing her attention to my presence . There was one more room , but she would have to leave the gallery by going back . This made my job easier , for she wouldn 't be able to slip away unnoticed . So after giving the other paintings in the room a quick look - over , I went back to the previous room , always keeping an eye on Mrs Willoughby to make sure she didn 't try to throw herself out of a window or something of the kind . I wanted my thousand pounds . Needed them , actually . A museum attendant came up to me and I asked him who was in the portrait " that lady " was looking at . It was the same name Willoughby had given me - Charlotte Grey , Mrs Willoughby 's great - grandmother . I nodded , accepted a catalogue dealing with everything there was to know about the paintings in this exhibition and settled down to read it , which was as good an excuse as any to hang around . Finally , about half an hour later , Mrs Willoughby walked past me and left the gallery . I gave her about fifteen seconds and then followed her . Her chauffeur was not on duty that day , or maybe she 'd got rid of him using some pretext or other . After stepping into the church of St Martin in the Fields - to say a prayer , I guessed - she was walking down the Strand and for a moment I was afraid I might lose her in the crowd . But I was lucky . There weren 't that many people about , it being a cold and rainy afternoon . She never looked behind her , and even if she had she wouldn 't have noticed me . The fog was getting worse by the minute . It enabled me to stay close behind her without her becoming aware of being followed . She turned the corner and headed for Waterloo Bridge , where she stopped , leant against the railing and stared down at the water . Then she began to pull the flowers out of her bouquet , one by one , and threw them into the river . It wasn 't until she started to climb the railing that I realised what she was up to , and by the time I reached her it was too late - she 'd already jumped . I leapt over the railing - my military training had been to some purpose after all , I thought - and dived in after her . Somehow I got hold of her , and managed to pull her to the surface . She was unconscious , and did not put up any resistance as I dragged her towards the Embankment , where a bargeman who 'd witnessed the scene was getting ready to assist me . " Good job , guv , " he said as he pulled me out . " Who 'd have thought it , eh ? Could have knocked me down with a feather you could . Lovely lady like that ! Makes one wonder why she did it . " " You know that there lady then ? " " I know her husband , " I snapped . " And I know where she lives . I 'll take her home . Go get a taxi for us , will you ? I don 't want to catch my death of cold here . " Grumbling , the man disappeared . " Jane ? " I whispered , pulling her up into a sitting position and leaning her against my shoulder . " Jane , wake up ! Don 't do this to me - wake up ! " " Taxi 's here ! " The bargeman came back , handed us two blankets to wrap ourselves up , and helped Jane into the waiting car . I thanked him , and got into the taxi as well . Only when I gave the cabby Jane 's address she seemed to revive . " No , not home ! " she cried . " I don 't want to go home ! Not like that ! The servants will talk , and there 'll be questions and … I just cannot face anyone at the moment ! " I gave in . Give the customers what they want is my motto , and besides by that time I was already putty in her hands . I 'd fallen hard for her , and I 'd have done anything just to please her . Not a good thing , given the circumstances , but I couldn 't help myself . " And your husband won 't ask any awkward questions when he has to pay the hotel bill I guess . " " He needn 't know ; I have money - no , wait , I don 't . My handbag 's still on Waterloo Bridge , " she said . " Can you lend me some ? Since you seem to know me so well ? " That would go on my expenses bill , so I was fine with that - though to say the truth it didn 't matter at that moment . I just hoped Willoughby had been serious with his no questions asked policy . " It won 't run to the kind of hotel you 're used to , " I warned her , and gave the cabby the address of a place I knew in Shoreditch . I 'd been there once working on a divorce case but chances were they didn 't remember me there , and it was more than unlikely that they knew Jane . No one did remember me , and this was the kind of place where no one asked any questions as long as someone put enough cash on the table to make them keep their mouths shut . I did the old Mr and Mrs Smith routine , and the landlady showed us to a room on the second floor without batting an eyelid . Jane was wearing a wedding ring after all , which was all the landlady needed as proof of our being a married couple . She didn 't even wonder how we 'd got to be drenched through and through . All she said was that she 'd take care of our clothes , and showed me a clothes shop on the other side of the street where I could get some dry clothing for the two of us to wear until she 'd finished the job . She showed Jane the bathroom and took her wet clothes with her , which made me suppose it was safe for me to leave the place for five minutes to get some new clothes . She wouldn 't be able to leave while she had nothing to wear , and I 'd checked the bathroom before she 'd gone in - there was nothing there she could use to put an end to her existence . Except the bathtub , maybe , but one needs some strength of mind to drown oneself in a bathtub . It 's not as easily accomplished as drowning oneself in the Thames . I remembered the gas heating just as I paid for those new clothes of ours , and I got back to our room in record time . Luckily , she hadn 't thought of that possibility - she came out of the bathroom in what I guessed was the landlady 's dressing gown just as I was running up the stairs , taking three steps at a time . Unable to talk , I just handed her the parcel that contained her clothes , then made my way to the bathroom to dry myself off and put on some new clothes myself . I didn 't take the time for a quick shower even - I was supposed to make sure she didn 't come to any harm , and I was going to do my job no matter what . " It 's what I learned at university way back when , " she said . " Art history , specialising in Greek and Russian icons . The name Christopher means bearer of Christ . According to legend , he carried Christ across a river . You pulled me out of one . As I said - the perfect name . " " I get that fixed idea sometimes , " she said quietly . " It 's not that I want to die - God knows I don 't ! - and then I find myself doing stupid things like that . My great - grandmother killed herself . I guess it 's running in the family . " " Obviously I don 't . I dream of her every night , and I can hear her talk to me during the day . Come on , do it . Do it . No one will miss you . What 's keeping you ? Come and join me ! You 'll be happy here ! That kind of thing . I hear her all the time . And I get so tired of it that I fear I 'll do what she wants just so she 'll leave me alone . I don 't want to die , but I keep trying to kill myself . You can 't say that 's normal . " " I pass out from sheer terror , usually . You see , I was trapped under a collapsed building once - during the Blitz . Ever since then I can 't even think of going into tunnels , or dark closets , or … anything of that kind . The thought alone makes me break out in cold sweat . So I 'm probably not the kind of person to tell anyone what 's normal and what isn 't . - What does your husband think of all that ? " " He 's worried , naturally . Doesn 't want to leave me on my own but he has to , of course . Someone 's got to earn a living . " She paused , then looked directly at me . " You 're in his pay , aren 't you ? That 's how you know who I am and where I live . John has paid you to keep an eye on me when he can 't . " In some cases , lies won 't take you anywhere . She was bright , and would resent any attempt of mine to fool her , which wouldn 't make my job any easier . So I told her the truth . She shrugged . " Not really , " she said . " It 's better than being locked up in a psychiatric ward somewhere . I 'm not mental . " " He didn 't say so to me , " I said . She laughed . " Always speak well of the man who pays your bills , eh ? - Anyway , he could have done worse . I don 't mind your being around . You seem to be good at what you 're doing - you 've already saved my life once , and you 're not trying to hit on me like some other man in your position might have done . " I laughed . " That gives me an odd opinion of the kind of men you usually meet . " I might have tried my luck if I 'd been less of a professional , but I kept that bit of information to myself . " John should be at home by now , " she said , glancing at the clock on the mantelpiece . " Maybe you should take me home . I don 't want him to get worried . " " With all those servants in the house , and John too , I 'll be fine , " she said . " But you may pick me up tomorrow and take me around town . No need for you to wait outside my house until I come out , or to follow me around on the sly . Let 's go exploring together - it 'll take my mind of things too . " That was how the best four weeks in my life started - or , on hindsight , the worst . We behaved like a pair of tourists and went to see places I 'd never even thought of going to on my own . There were quite a few art galleries on Jane 's list , and we made the most of seeing those . I was happy to note that she didn 't show any inclination to visit the National Portrait Gallery and her great - grandmother 's portrait , though she told me that she still dreamt of the woman every night . At least she seemed to be quite happy during the days she spent with me . We went to the British museum , where she showed me some Byzantine art and told me all about it . She wanted to see the Tower , but we had to give that a miss - there were too many narrow and gloomy passageways I didn 't feel too comfortable about . That gave her the idea of helping me get rid of my problem . " They probably didn 't think of it . What we need to do is put you in the situation you fear - but only for a short time , and in a way you can handle . If you were suffering from vertigo , for example , I 'd make you stand on a chair , and you 'd discover there 's no danger in that . Once you feel comfortable on a chair , I 'd make you stand on a stepladder , then the balcony on the first floor , and so on , until you can look down from the top of the Empire State Building without having a problem . " " That makes sense , " I had to admit . " But how would you go about it in my case ? I 'm fine with heights . It 's depths I 'm worried about . " It happened at Queensway Tube Station . It 's one of the smaller underground stations , and there are only two ways of getting to the platforms - there 's a lift or you have to walk down a long set of stairs . Narrow , dark stairs . For someone like me , it 's rather like being stuck between a rock and a hard place . We 'd been walking in Kensington Gardens and were on our way home from there . Jane 's feet were aching , she said , but she wouldn 't hear of hailing a taxi . " We can give Queensway station a try , " she said . " You were fine yesterday . " I was so besotted with her that I let her talk me into taking the Tube from Queensway . It was only two stations to Bond Street after all . Surely I could manage two stations ? I had to close my eyes and nearly passed out in the lift down to the eastbound platform . Once we 'd got there , I had to sit down while we were waiting for the next train to come in . My heart was racing , and I was feeling physically sick . Still , I had to go through with it . There was no question of me taking the lift back up - or the stairs , for that matter . Fighting another attack of nausea , I noticed that something was wrong with Jane as well . She was staring fixedly at the dark tunnel from which the train would shortly arrive . She didn 't react . Instead , she suddenly started to run towards that tunnel , with me going after her but , due to my weakened state , too slowly to catch her in time . She jumped down onto the rails and disappeared in the tunnel , with me standing by helplessly , unable to stop her or get her out of there . The inevitable happened - I heard the shriek of the brakes as the engine driver tried to avoid the collision , and the sickening crash of the train hitting her . She 'd done it . She must have planned it all along . That was my last coherent thought as I fainted on the spot . Maybe if I said nothing , Eliza 'd go away . It 's not as if I wanted to see her . Or anyone else , for that matter . Won 't that be nice ? Nice ? Doing what ? Sitting around in my flat like the great , useless lump of flesh I 'd become , barely a human being at all ? Maybe I should follow Jane 's example . It had been a quick death , surely she couldn 't have suffered long . Whereas I 'd been suffering ever since . Why wasn 't I man enough to do what she 'd done ? " I 've got a room ready for you , " Eliza said . " You can stay with us for a while , it 'll do you good to have people around . It 'll keep your mind off things . " One had to be fair . She 'd been the only visitor I 'd had these past six months , and she 'd come to see me every single day . In a way she must care for me , though I couldn 't think of any reason why she should . No one else did . Not even I . And she 'd tried to draw me out . She really had . So why wasn 't I grateful ? Why didn 't I care ? I would have been better off dead . My memory of the days following Jane 's suicide was somewhat hazy . Somehow I 'd been able to give evidence at the inquest , me and one or two other people who 'd seen her run into that tunnel . But I was the only one who 'd known her name , and who could identify her . Me , and her husband who 'd recognised the jewellery she 'd worn - her engagement and wedding rings , and a locket . They hadn 't let him see the body - it wouldn 't have been much use anyway I guess . Willoughby hadn 't blamed me . He 'd even paid my fee , saying that I 'd told him about my problem beforehand and he 'd hired me in spite of that , so if anybody was to blame for what had happened it was him . Quite decent of him , really , I thought at the time . He then packed up his stuff , sold his house and moved to Paris , stating that after his wife 's untimely death he couldn 't bear to remain in London . So the only one that was left here was me . And Jane , somewhere in Highgate Cemetery . Maybe I should move in with Eliza for a while , I thought . Her home was closer to Highgate than mine . It turned out that I had to stay with Eliza if I wanted to get out of that hospital - the doctors would not let me go back to my place to live there all alone . Mr Brandon needed someone around at all times , they said , and would not accept the responsibility for letting me stay on my own . If I did not accept my niece in the role of wardress I 'd stay where I was safe . So , since I was quite fed up with the hospital and the doctors , none of whom was really sympathetic , I agreed to moving to Eliza 's flat for a month . I 'd have an easy life there I knew - Eliza was not the type to order anyone around , least of all me . Strangely enough , the quiet life in Eliza 's Finchley home suited me . While I wasn 't able to get back to my work yet , I did make myself useful , looking after the baby when Eliza had to work , keeping the flat tidy and doing little jobs around the house . Gradually , I was beginning to feel better . Sometimes a whole day passed without an attack of acute guilt and self - loathing . As the weather became warmer , I sometimes ventured out and took walks . I 'd invariably end up on Highgate Cemetery , putting flowers on Jane 's grave , but at least I did get out into the open . As spring turned into summer , I went back to my own place and started work again , though I only took on easy , non - demanding jobs , such as finding out who was pinching the petty cash in an insurance office . All in all , everything was almost back to normal , until , one day , I saw her . " Can I help you , sir ? " I turned to the shop assistant , meaning to tell her that I was just having a look round , but the words died on my lips . It was Jane . That was , not quite Jane , surely there was a striking resemblance but her hair was auburn , she was younger than Jane and she was wearing the kind of clothes one would expect a shop girl to wear . No jewellery , either . Still , seeing her had given me quite a turn . " I . . . I 'm fine , " I managed . " It 's just … you … you 've reminded me of a lady I used to know . You 're the spitting image of her . " After my initial shock at having met a woman who looked almost exactly like Jane , I was intrigued . Who was Marianne Dashwood ? Was she a relation of Jane 's ? If so , why was she working as an assistant in a small , stuffy bookshop ? The Greys were well off - or maybe they weren 't . For all I knew , Willoughby might have been the rich one in that marriage . Whatever the reason for that striking resemblance was , I wanted to find out all about it . And so I found myself in that bookshop again two days later . She remembered me . She greeted me with an engaging smile and asked me how my niece had liked her present . " I see . Well , in that case I 'm sorry to have troubled you , " I said , and turned to go . Marianne Dashwood interested me enough to make me actually feel disappointed . " Wait , sir . We got a new consignment this morning - a very nice edition of Dickens ' novels . Would you care to have a look at them ? " " Why not , " I said and ended up buying A Tale of Two Cities . I 'd never been overly fond of Dickens , but the money I 'd paid for the book had been worth it nevertheless - Marianne had managed to write her telephone number on the receipt and had put it into the book while that dragon of a boss of hers hadn 't been looking . We met for tea the next day . Marianne told me about her family background - there was no connection to Jane , unfortunately . She 'd never heard of a Grey family , or of anyone named Willoughby . She 'd come to town to find a job and shared a flat with a girl called Lucy Steele ; her widowed mother and two sisters were still living in Devon . She also had a half - brother , who was pretty well off but , apparently , unwilling to contribute to his sisters ' support . " I thought I might get work as an actress , but that didn 't work out , " she said . " So that 's why I took that job in Mrs Ferrars ' bookshop . It pays the bills . " She was young and almost like a puppy , quite pathetic in her attempts to please me I thought . Someone else might have fallen for her on the spot ; she was an engaging kid it was true , but she wasn 't Jane . She looked like Jane , but she was nowhere as sophisticated or intelligent as her . I 'd weighed her and found her lacking . However … she was young . And as I was sitting in that tearoom with her , I thought of turning her into another version of Jane . A good hairdresser and some hair dye would make much of a difference , as would new clothes in the style that Jane had worn . Marianne hadn 't had the same education , obviously , but surely there was something that could be done about it , provided she wanted to learn . But how was I to get her to do all that ? For me ? This new project was what kept me alive , I guess . Here was a young woman who looked almost exactly like the love I 'd lost , and whom I could model into anything I wanted her to be if I went about it in the right way . I started taking her out to dinner or to the movies regularly , and did what I could to make myself agreeable to her . That seemed to work well enough ; she appeared to be quite happy in my company , and when I kissed her for the first time she didn 't act as if I repulsed her . That was good . After that kiss , I began to buy her stuff - clothes in the style that Jane had worn , a hat or gloves or , finally , a dress . She didn 't want to take any expensive presents from me at first . She said she was not that kind of girl , whatever she meant by that . I told her I was happy to give her anything she wanted , and that she shouldn 't worry about it , that I wasn 't going to ask her to do anything that was wrong . Technically , that was the truth . It 's not wrong to dye one 's hair , or to learn everything there is to know about art . But naturally once I 'd given her things I could remark on her not wearing them when we met , and so out of common courtesy she did put them on , even though she wasn 't all that happy with the idea . Marianne wasn 't interested in art but went to art galleries with me because I wanted her to . I did notice that it wasn 't her favourite way of spending her time , but she 'd get over that sooner or later I thought . Naturally one didn 't have fun with things one knew nothing about . I took her to concerts , which she seemed to like better though she didn 't take all that much interest in them either . I even contemplated asking her to marry me , for that way I 'd find it easier to influence her . But why saddle myself with a wife who wasn 't quite right yet ? I broached the matter of her hair colour after dinner one evening , and as I 'd foreseen she didn 't want to change it . She liked her hair exactly as it was , she said . She didn 't have the right complexion for blonde hair ; it would look dreadful on her . I insisted , and she refused point - blank . I was not given to pleading ; I 'd never done that with any woman and I wasn 't going to start with Marianne . I let the matter drop , took her home and then stopped seeing her for two weeks . Neither did I phone her , and whenever she rang me I was too busy to deal with her . After two weeks I had her where I wanted her . If it meant so much to me , she said , and if that would make me love her at last - really love her - she 'd see her hairdresser and have her hair bleached . I 'd won . Or so I thought . I was in a fever of anticipation all day as I went about my business . I 'd get my Jane back at last - not that she 'd ever been mine , but that didn 't matter . She 'd be mine now . As I left my office , I walked past a jeweller 's shop and decided that Marianne had deserved a reward for having gone along with my wishes . So I went in , and found a locket like the one Jane had always worn . Seeing it and buying it was the work of a moment . I picked Ja . . . Marianne up in her flat after work . She was wearing a headscarf , and when I asked her why she told me that she was still feeling awkward with her new hair colour . " It 's as if everyone 's staring at me , " she said . " If they do I 'm sure it 's because you 're so pretty , " I told her . She smiled , but she seemed nervous . " Let me have a look , " I said impatiently . " Later . At the restaurant . " When she took off her headscarf at the restaurant I was disappointed . Her hair was blonde , but she was wearing it in the wrong way . She 'd had it curled , not pinned up the way Jane had always worn it . " So how do you like it ? " she asked me . " The colour is fine , " I said . " But you 've got it wrong . You should pin your hair up , not wear it all wavy like that . " " I 'll try it out later , at home , " she promised , and I could hardly wait until we were back in her flat . There , she went into the bathroom to do her hair while I waited in the small parlour for her to come out . Then Marianne came into the parlour , with her platinum - blonde hair pinned up , wearing the black dress I 'd given her and looking almost exactly like Jane . The only thing that was still missing was the make - up , but if I played my cards right she might start painting her face soon . " What do you think ? " she asked , looking nervous . " Is this better ? " " Much better , " I said and took her into my arms . And then , as I took the locket and put it round Marianne 's neck , I realised that she didn 't just look like Jane . She was Jane ! I didn 't know how she 'd done it or how she 'd managed to fool me for so long , but that girl wasn 't Marianne Dashwood . This was Jane Willoughby ! Or she was Marianne Dashwood who had pretended to be Jane Willoughby . For a moment , I saw red , but luckily that went past quickly . I wasn 't going to confront her about it yet ; I needed to prove it first . But if Jane was alive , who was the dead woman ? What kind of plot had they hatched between them , Willoughby and Marianne - or Jane , or whatever her name was ? I spent the night thinking . Why would Marianne pose as someone 's wife in order to fool a private eye ? What could she gain by doing so ? Had she done it for love or money or both ? She 'd mentioned once she was an out - of - work actress . Had Willoughby hired her , as he had hired me ? For what purpose ? How much had she known ? The next morning I went to the British Library . I wanted to know more about Jane Willoughby , and looking her up in the newspaper archives might give me some answers . I did find plenty of answers . Jane Willoughby hadn 't looked in the least like Marianne - I 'd never even met her . So this was what must have happened : Willoughby had hired Marianne to impersonate his wife , and then he 'd hired me to shadow her . He told me all that rot about his wife having lost her marbles and wanting to kill herself , and then he 'd got Marianne to take me to some tube station where he 'd throw Jane 's body in front of the train while she got away . Even if anyone had wanted to identify the body , it wouldn 't have been possible . Besides , her next - of - kin - the husband who 'd murdered her - had identified Jane Willoughby . And I , idiot that I was , turned up at the inquest , a reliable witness swearing to having been hired to protect Mrs Willoughby and having been unable to stop her running into the tunnel and killing herself . How Willoughby and Marianne must have laughed ! " Oh , you 'll like it there , " I said lightly . " Do you mind taking the tube ? My car 's broken down and I 'm a little short of cash at the moment . " " It would have been better , of course , " I agreed . " Did it feel good to drive me to the brink of insanity ? Was the joke worth the price ? " " Come on now , you don 't expect me to believe that , do you ? If you 'd loved me you wouldn 't have gone along with that dirty little game the two of you were playing . What was in it for you ? Money ? Jewellery ? Did he promise you marriage ? Why did you do it ? Why did you help that swine get rid of his wife ? " " I know he 's perfectly capable of murdering his wife , " I said . " And he needed us to get rid of the body , didn 't he ? How did you do it , the two of you ? " " The service tunnel , " she said . " There 's a service tunnel alongside the railway tunnel , and there 's a door connecting the tunnels not far from here . All I had to do was run to that door , and he 'd pull me into the service tunnel and then throw Jane onto the rails . The train did the rest . " " Never mind the tunnel , " I said , and realised that it was so - I was no longer afraid of the tunnel . I looked at the timetable . " There won 't be a train for the next five minutes ; we 'll be back on the platform by the time it arrives . " She realised that I wasn 't going to back down , and so she headed towards the tunnel and showed me the entrance to the service tunnel some fifty yards from the station . There was a recess in one of the tunnel walls with a door in it - enough room for two people to stand while a train went past , I thought . Enough room to hide and then disappear through the door when no one was looking . It was perfect - the perfect crime . And I 'd been a part of it . The feeling of guilt and self - loathing was back . I almost welcomed it . " I 'm glad to hear it , " I said . " Right now I can 't even think straight . I think it will be better if you just go and leave me alone - I don 't know if I 'll ever be able to forgive anyone , least of all myself . " I gave her a push , and she fell out of the recess - right in front of the incoming train . Who knows - one day I may meet her again , back in Hades . The End © 2012 Copyright held by the author .

It happened to one household , but soon began to spread throughout the village . That day began as any other . A mother arose just before dawn , quickly arranging her scarf over her hair as she climbed over her sleeping husband . She was careful not to waken him before his morning prayers and tiptoed to the cupboard bedroom where her two daughters and young son slept . She woke her eldest daughter and sent her to the well to bring fresh water for breakfast . But despite these precautions , the following week , another beloved daughter disappeared , this time from her own bed , which she shared with her two little brothers . No one saw or heard anything . She simply vanished and that was that . The wisest man in the village was the Rabbi , of course , himself the father of three gorgeous daughters . He called together a meeting of the entire village , men , women and children . He began by listening to the parents of the missing girls . Their stories were heartbreaking and many of the villagers cried upon hearing them . Then he allowed any villagers who wished to say anything or offer any suggestions to speak . Most only wanted to express their fears for their own daughters , but several suggested some useful ways to better protect their families . " My friends . These tragedies can have only three causes . One , that our daughters are unhappy here and for some reason have decided to run away . leaving without a note or a word to anyone . Two , some person or persons , either out of envy or wickedness , have stolen into our village and kidnapped our daughters from under our noses , or three , evil sorcery is at work , and our daughters are being stolen away by demons , whether out of pure evil or mischief or for a purpose we cannot know or fully understand . As for the second reason , it is possible , because mankind has such a great capacity for wickedness , that some person has been clever enough to steal our daughters our from under our noses , so this must be considered and our daughters better protected . But for the third reason , I believe it is most likely that someone or something dedicated to evil is responsible . Our girls have vanished as if by sorcery , and sorcery is the most likely reason behind these tragedies . " The villagers gasped at this proclamation , but the Rabbi continued . " Because of the seriousness of our misfortune , I must consult with the High Council in Lublin . I will leave in the morning and I will be gone for 3 days , but when I return , I will be able to tell you the exact cause and the steps we must take to stop this misfortune from recurring and to bring our daughters back from wherever they have been taken . " Then the Rabbi added , " In the meantime , we will take the suggestion offered by Jacob Weisman , and divide your households into guardian teams , so that your daughters can be watched over and be guarded both day and night . " The villagers were in awe of the High Council of Lublin and the Rabbi 's words reassured them that help was on its way . They gathered round Jacob , who regularly led the minyon and who could be relied upon for neighbourly advice , and they began to form themselves into teams to watch over each family throughout the next four nights , until the Rabbi 's return . Posted by I am in here . I am inside the glass now , inside the mirror , the one above the fireplace . There is nothing that could have prepared me for this . Nothing that anyone could have told me . No warning would have been enough . And no warning was enough . But , the terror that Sophia described is nothing compared to the reality . This is the very essence of unsettling . Disembodied , I am in here . I am nothing but myself , just my self , literally , the kernel of what I am . I don 't know if I am my soul or I am my mind , all I can say is , that I am . Not that I can actually say anything , for I have no mouth . That was a joke . I think therefore I am . Period . I am not alone . The other creatures are in here also . I think there may be thousands of them . They make quite an uproar in a language and range of sound I can not understand . Yet it is not unpleasant and somehow vaguely familiar . I know ! They sound like wind chimes , that 's what they remind me of , wind chimes . I seem to be the only human in here , could that be possible ? I feel terribly alone and helpless . But at least I have sight . I have no eyes , but somehow I am able to see everything in front of the mirror . Thank goodness I chose the living room and not the bathroom ! Another joke . I watch my family move in and out of the room . They haven 't even noticed that I am not among them . They think that the body the creature inhabits is actually mine . How can that be ? Sophia was right . They are very clever . It must have been watching me for years , memorising my speech , learning our language and our habits , and biding its time . " The spirits in the glass will steal your body from you in the wink of an eye . " She had told me , countless times . " They will use your body as their own and will imprison your soul in the glass in their place . It only takes an instant , and poof ! You are lost forever . " She told me about the full moon , that the full moon releases the creature 's powers . How I should never look at my reflection on a full moon night . She had even covered all the mirrors and all our windows on those nights as a precaution . I half believed her , which only made me more curious , too curious , too reckless , and now I am locked in here forever . That is , unless I stoop as low as they , and entice someone else to look at their reflection on a night when the full moon is rising . Posted by The next time Max opened his eyes , he was looking straight up into the eyes of a hypno - technician . He recognised it at once , because the eyes locked onto his in an instant , and , never blinking , they began to implore him silently with their gorgeously soothing depths of limitless love . But he wan 't lulled and he wan 't fooled . He was prepared for this and almost anything else they wanted to throw at him . " Jack , " he said , connecting at once through his direct line , " I hate to say this , but we blew it . We should have taken the wife , too . It 's only been 8 hours , but I can see that there isn 't a chance in hell that we can get Max to willingly join the Company . He 's going to hold on to his plans and there is no way we are going to get them out of him . " " No , don 't you think we tried that already ? We should have known he 'd already be vaccinated against our truth drugs . And , no , he 's way ahead of us there , too . He 's got some software block installed in him so our hypno - technicians can 't get anywhere with him either . You have to believe me . We 're lost unless the Director relents and lets us use torture . " Tom paced the cubicle . " That is , unless it 's not too late to pick up the wife . Let 's hope it 's not too late and she 's still at home . Then I can get Dr Lerner to pick her up . I 'll have him tell her that Max is staying with him and wants her to join him . I 'll think of something - and I 'll put together a back up plan , too . We 're going to need her for leverage , I realise that now . Yes . it was a mistake . Right . I 'm on it now . " And he hung up and stopped pacing to watch Max , who was still lying prone on the bed in the next room . Max was struggling with his straps now and looking pretty pissed off . Might as well send one of the aides in there to let him loose , Tom thought . Get him to relax a bit . Wait for him to put his guard down . Then he checked the contact list on his cell for Dr Lerner 's name . Yes , there it was . Good . Max trusted him , so there was no reason why his wife should be suspicious . He rang the number . " Lerner ? Yes it 's me . Look , we have a bit of a problem with Max . No , he 's fine . None the worse for wear , believe me . Just misses his wife . Yes , I 'll admit we made a mistake . We should have brought the two of them in together . No , that 's just the problem . He won 't give it up and he is insisting that we bring him his wife . We think we can get him to be more forthcoming if he is certain his wife is all right . " " I need you to drive over to their house and pick her up , " he continued . " No , I have no idea if she 's still at home or if she 's noticed that Max is missing . I 'm hoping that she thinks he 's with you at the University . " Tom watched Max through the glass again . He 'd better get an aide in there quickly before he hurt himself . Then he turned away and sat down in the plastic chair near the small table by the door . " Listen carefully , Lerner . This is what I need you to do . First , I want you to telephone her . Tell her that Max came to your house early this morning . Tell her that he thought his data was being compromised , so he brought his PC with him and came to your home . Tell her he is with you and that he 's safe , but that he is worried about her and wants you to bring her to him . " " No , just make something up if she questions you further , or wavers . But tell her you are on your way and for god 's sake , get over there as fast as you can . Yes , and bring her here . " He rang off and standing up , pressed the buzzer by the door to call an aide . A young man , dark skinned and fine boned , neatly dressed in white lab coat and carrying a small chrome tray with various glass tubes in it , answered the bell . " Dil , " Tom addressed him , reading the name tag over his pocket , I need you to sedate our guest again . You better do it while he 's still restrained . " I could hardly wait for my wife , Kelly , to get home . I tried laying on the sofa for a while , mindlessly flicking through the mindless choices on the TV , but I couldn 't sit still for long . I listened for the sound of the bouncing ball in the hall or the whimper from the dog in the kitchen , ready to jump up and investigate at the slightest noise . I was restless , keyed up , and I wanted to tell somebody about what was happening in our flat . Thankfully , Kelly had also experienced the children playing ball in the hall . She had even seen the little girl playing all by herself . Kelly said she had seen her do a little dance in the hall one afternoon , while I was at the grocery store , and , Kelly said , she was wearing a blue dress this time . We knew we needed to speak to some expert - a scientist who actually studied phenomena like this , but in our laymans ' opinion , we were somehow crossing over into the time frame of these children . Children who had lived in our flat at the turn of the century - when the house was new . We seemed to be witnessing some sort of time loop that played every now and then like a stuck record . It must have been several months after the day I first saw the children that I began to see the dog . It was getting towards evening and I was in the dining room at the back of the flat . I can 't really remember what I was doing in there . Putting away the wine glasses ? Looking for a platter ? All I remember , from that day , was how startled I was when I heard a whimpering sound coming from the kitchen . These old San Francisco houses have wonderfully spacious kitchens at the back of their homes with views over the gardens and most of them still had a swinging door opening into the dining room . We had kept our kitchen in a vaguely period style , spanning several decades and we 'd installed our beloved 50 's era O ' Keeffe & Merritt gas range - a huge white enamelled affair that fit the kitchen perfectly . But when I opened the kitchen door , just leaning on it slightly to peek my head around , I could see right away that the stove was gone . In its place was an elaborate iron contraption , from a much earlier decade , sitting up on ornate metal legs , and under these legs was a dog 's basket bed , and inside the basket , was a real dog . It can see me ! I thought with surprise . And then , before I knew what was happening , the creature jumped out of it 's basket and trotted straight up to me , its short white tail wagging furiously . I crouched down and offered it my hand , the way you would to any friendly , small dog , and I felt the little creature 's cold black nose nuzzle against my hand . All I could do was hold my breath and marvel that such a thing was really happening , as I ran my hands through the little dog 's curly white fur , surprisingly silky , and felt the small muscles and sinews of its neck . It was a real dog , all right . I caught myself talking out loud to it . " Well , hello there . Who are you ? " I asked , as it rolled on its back and offered up its little pink and white belly . Its tongue lolled out of the side of its mouth and it wriggled happily under my hands and I wished I could call my wife over to have a look , but she wouldn 't be home from work for another hour . I remained crouched there for sometime , uncomfortable , but afraid to get up , lest the little dog disappeared . I ran my fingers through its tangle of white curls around its collar as it sat up . That 's it , I thought , There might be a clue in the dog 's collar ! I twisted the collar around carefully , and found the narrow silver plate , like an ornament on the side of the collar , and sure enough , it was engraved . I leaned my head closer to read it , " Bobby " was all it said . " OK , Bobby , I said , disappointed that the owner 's name wasn 't on it , but the little dog only cocked his head to one side and looked at me expectantly , as if I was about to feed it . My knees were beginning to hurt and the door felt tiresome and uncomfortable . I was still crouched half in and half out of the kitchen , with the dining room door resting against my shoulder . Before I could stop myself , I stood up , letting go of Bobby 's collar just for an instant , pushing the door open fully with my other hand . And that was all it took . As soon as I let go of his collar , he was gone . My own familiar dog - less kitchen slid back into place , like an architects template . The big white O ' keeffe & Merritt range stood in its usual spot with no dog basket in sight . I stood alone in the doorway , feeling suddenly bereft and lonely and at the same time cross with myself for letting go of Bobby 's collar . Above all , I felt terribly exhilarated and filled with astonishment , my hands still warm from the little dog 's fur . The children are playing in the hallway again . I can hear the gentle thump , thump , thump of the ball ( red ) bouncing down the hall between them . The hall is glorious and long , as halls always are in these stately old houses , with embossed wainscoting covering the bottom third of the walls , and ancient delicately decorated wallpaper running up to the picture rail , with the ceiling a full two feet above that . If I step out into the hallway now , I will see the children , a boy dressed in short pants of the turn of the last century , the girl in a fluffy white dress and apron . A large bow ties her apron at the back . They will not notice me and will be laughing gaily at each other . When I turn to look at the little girl , the little boy will disappear , and when I try to see where he has gone , the little girl will disappear also . It might be months before I see them there again . Posted by Max was gently awakened by vague muffled sounds , almost like seagulls calling from faraway over the ocean . He hadn 't opened his eyes yet and he just lay where he was in a dreamy state . He felt sleepy still and thought perhaps he should allow himself to fall back to sleep . He decided to turn over and that was when he realised that something wasn 't quite right . The sheets must be twisted around him , he thought , because he seemed to be caught in them and actually , he could not move at all . " Roxie ! " he called out , and his voice echoed back to him , all muffled and weird , and he opened his eyes for the first time . He was laying flat on his back in a bedroom , but not his bedroom . The light was dim , but he could see the low ceiling and inset LED lights and recognised the design of one of those new Plastiment Homes . The rounded corners of the room gave it away . And it wasn 't a sheet that was wrapped tightly around him , although he was covered by a sheet and quilt , he was strapped with his arms at his side to an otherwise relatively comfortable bed . He still felt groggy and his eyes were crusty and he wanted to reach up and rub them , but he couldn 't and that was when he started yelling . " Hey ! Is anybody there ? Hey ! " he yelled louder , with his voice reverberating in his head , causing an uncomfortable pain to begin to throb in his forehead . " Hey , what 's going on ? Will somebody come in here please ? " He wasn 't so groggy that he hadn 't already conjectured what was happening to him . He had always known , ever since his father had revealed what he knew just before he died , that he would also be watched and if he wasn 't careful , he would be in danger of being too useful an asset to be allowed to live his own life and make his own choices . There were lots of greedy servants of unscrupulous and obscenely wealthy organisations who would not hesitate to take what they wanted if they couldn 't buy it - and he had made it clear that he wasn 't selling . No one came into the room when he called and he wondered if anyone was in the house at all . But he had heard voices , he was almost certain he had heard voices . He could turn his head and he did so , surveying the room , looking for a window or one of those one way glass things that looked like a mirror . It was a nicely decorated room , if you liked the modern minimalist style . It looked like it could be someone 's real bedroom , but somehow he doubted it . It was just a clever duplicate , made to resemble a comfortable home and to put who ever they usually kept in here at ease . They were probably watching him through one of their one way mirrors right now . He suddenly remembered Roxie , and felt a pang of fear . He wondered if she had been taken , too . He wondered if she was safe . And he began to fret and worry and he had to bite his lip to keep himself from crying . Dan was on his knees admiring the now obvious disparity between the inside and the outside of the trunk . He took out his knife , ready to attack the chest wherever the opportunity presented itself , but Sam was bent over the inside , running his hands systematically along the inside edges of the trunk and I knew he was looking for a catch . Secret compartments like this one always had some kind of mechanism to open them , even I knew that . Well , I especially knew that , from reading so many mystery books . . . " Anything sticking out anywhere it doesn 't belong , anything that might open this thing . " Missy practically fell headfirst into the trunk , trying to reach the opposite side . It was a big old thing and her little arms barely reached to the false bottom . I slid my hands in too and pretty soon there were 3 sets of arms wiggling about in there , but no sign of how the thing opened . " Wait ! " , I said , bringing my amazing powers of deduction into play , the ones I had gleaned from my extensive library of mystery and fantasy books . " I bet we 're looking in the wrong place . I bet the catch is in the lid ! " and we all reached out to examine the lid , which none of us had noticed before , because the lid had fallen behind the chest when Sam had opened it . Sam lifted it now and held it up for us . The lid was arched on the outside , and had several cloth covered compartments in it that looked promising . Dan and I searched the compartments , which had sweet little cloth doors that snapped open when we pulled their little cloth flaps . Sadly , they were all empty and there was nothing in any of them that could be considered a lock or catch , until of course , the very last compartment , down at the bottom of the lid , adjoining one of the back hinges . When this one snapped open , we were surprised by a little cloth doll that fell right out and dropped with a soft plop onto the false bottom . I immediately scooped it up to examine it , while Dan examined the compartment . " I 've got it ! " he shouted and with a soft click the false bottom lifted up as if it were attached to a spring . When Sam pulled this all the way open , it revealed something large wrapped in a white cloth cover . " It 's heavy , " Sam said , lifting it out . " Bring me that table over there . " And Dan darted over to a small round table abandoned alongside a pile of " National Geographic " magazines . It was light and he carried it over and plunked it down next to the trunk . As Sam laid the thing gently on top , I could see that the white cloth covering was actually some kind of shawl . It was satiny looking and it had a fringe . I held onto the doll , waiting to examine it more closely later , and we all bent over to watch as Sam gently unwrapped the shawl . " Look at that ! " exclaimed Dan , and we all sucked in our breath , for it truly looked like a small treasure chest . It was a wooden box , and I could not tell what it was made from , but it was gorgeously decorated with colourful symbols and what looked like lettering on it . My brother Sam is not only brilliant , but he had been Bar Mitzvohed last year - and he had actually bothered to learn Hebrew , instead of just memorising the text he had to read in the ceremony . " What does it say ? " I asked , staring down at the lovely gold lettering . Dan was the first one up the tree . He was usually the first one anywhere we went . He walked faster , for one thing , and he ran faster , swam faster , and thought faster than everyone else , too . He was also better prepared . He never went anywhere without his trusty Swiss Army Knife , and not one of those massive clunky bits of kit , either , but a streamlined pocket - knife , with only the most useful parts : a flat headed screwdriver , a bottle opener , a sturdy metal pick , and a good sharp knife . Everything was going well , it was still early afternoon and there was plenty of sunshine left and climbing the tree turned out to be as easy as it looked , even for me . That little attic window proved to be no match for Dan , either . So , while we all clung to the branch behind him , he worked the screwdriver under the edge of the window , just where the two sides met at the latch , and soon , with a resounding crack , it split open . A second later , Dan launched himself off from the branch and somehow managed to squeeze through the opening , and jump down to the attic floor . Before any of us could even gasp appreciatively , he turned around and reached out his hand for Missy , who was right behind him . Missy , short for Melissa , is just that , short . She 's Dan 's little sister and my best friend , but she 's also extremely nimble and a fast climber . But now , faced with the empty space between the end of the limb we were on and the attic window , even she hesitated to lose her hold on the branch . " It 's all right . Don 't be afraid , I 've got you . " Dan assured her , and before she could protest , he had grabbed her hand and pulled her right in beside him . Crap , now it was my turn . I was holding onto that branch for dear life , inching my way slowly toward the attic window . I 'd felt safe enough with Missy just ahead of me and my brother , Sam right behind , but now , with no one in front , the branch suddenly seemed awfully spindly , and the ground . . . Oh no , don 't look at the ground , I warned myself . I suddenly began to feel dizzy and I 'd wished I 'd never climbed up the stupid tree in the first place . But there was Dan , leaning his head out the window , smiling his toothy smile , and reaching out to me until his hand was almost close enough for me to grab onto it . In fact , I did just that , thinking to steady myself for a moment . And before I realised what was happening , Dan was pulling me right through the attic window , too . " Ouch ! " I complained , standing up too soon and bumping my head on the window frame . No one paid any attention to me , though , for both Missy and Dan were watching Sam now , who was bringing up the rear , as usual . My older brother Sam was as slow and methodical as Dan was quick and reckless . He was the same age as Dan , 14 , but nearly twice his size in height and girth , but he wasn 't stupid . He was merely extraordinarily cautious as well as exceedingly gifted , but he had a mind that needed to be allowed to follow its own logical pathways . This meant that sometimes it took him a few seconds longer then people were used to before he would speak . A lot of kids thought he was slow , but that was because they couldn 't wait long enough to hear what he had to say . He had stayed on the ground and waited for me to start the climb , because he knew I would be too scared to climb up that high without knowing he was there to catch me if I lost my grip . He was that kind of brother . But now , there he was , he had reached the end of the branch and he looked up at the window doubtfully , " Do you really think I can fit through ? " " Well , here goes then . " and Sam reached up and grabbed the inside of the window frame with both hands and began force himself through , wriggling in kind of a hilarious way , so that I had to keep myself from giggling . But then , just when it looked like he had made it , he got stuck ! His belt buckle was caught on the ledge . We turned around and began to examine our surroundings . The sun 's afternoon rays shone weakly through the swirling dust motes from two tiny windows . The light they cast was much too dim for us to see very far into the depths of the attic . Gradually , however , our eyes grew accustomed to the dim light and we began to make out the eerie shapes around us . " I think its mane and tail are real hair ! " She exclaimed , running her hand down its wooden spine and picking up the long tail . " Wow ! it 's beautiful ! " But the boys weren 't interested and were already examining a pile of old sleds on the other side of the attic . But I had already begun opening a cardboard box nearby . It was filled to the top with lovely Christmas Ornaments . " Well , I guess they must have spent a few Christmases here , look at this ! " and I lifted out a delicate glass angel , that sparkled in the dustmotes dancing in the last rays of light still shining from the small windows . We all had the same thought . A trunk could be filled with all sorts of treasure . In fact , it could be a treasure chest ! Dan reached it first , naturally , and tried the latch . " It 's locked ! " he called gleefully over his shoulder , but Sam was right behind him , and gripping the lid from both sides , tried to force it open . " Wait ! Don 't break it ! " I cautioned . " Can 't you pick the lock , Dan ? With that thingy in your knife ? You could use it like a lock pick . " He knelt down in front of the lock and I knelt down beside him , " Just kind of dig around with it , " I instructed , " go slowly , try to feel for something . See if you can connect with a gear or another hole or whatever . " I 'd seen enough detective shows on TV to think that picking a lock was easy . It always looked easy , anyway . " Oh " , was all Missy could say . And 4 disappointed kids gazed down at the contents of the trunk . It seemed to be filled entirely with neatly folded fabric , just old linen table clothes , embroidered aprons and monogramed napkins . Dan shook his head and turned away impatiently and started rummaging through some boxes nearby , but Sam and I began to search through the trunk , feeling our way carefully and lifting bits out to show them to Missy , who laid them neatly on a hatbox beside it . " Why would they lock this crap away ? " wondered Sam aloud , methodically sorting through the trunk . It was only when he had finally lifted out the last of the lace doilies and handed them to Missy and me , and we had folded them neatly on top of the other linens , that he realised something wasn 't quite right . " Wait a minute ! Look at this ! " He called out to Dan , who came back to take a look and we all grouped around Sam and stared down into the now empty trunk . " The bottom of the trunk ! Look , the inside of the trunk is at least 8 inches above the bottom of the trunk on the outside ! It has to have a false bottom ! " He was right , we realised , excitedly . But , oh , why did he have to be so darn clever ! If only he hadn 't noticed , and we had just piled all the linens back in the trunk ! Along the shoreline highways and byways that follow the Long Island Sound all the way out to Rhode Island , you 'll see numerous attractive old towns . The same sort of towns you 've seen in those sentimental family movies they show on Sunday afternoons . Towns with elm lined main streets and huge wooden homes in the gothic - colonial style , with gabled roofs and dormer windows , wide wooden porches and screen doors . Somehow , perhaps it was during the Second World War , these New England Resort towns fell out of fashion . The owners of these grand gothic - colonial summer homes , with their gabled roofs and dormer windows , simply never returned . One autumn day , when their owners had departed for the city , their caretakers or gardeners carefully covered all the furniture with sheets , closed and locked all the shutters and boarded up whatever was loose , before they too headed back to wherever it was they came from . And it just so happened that after that autumn , none of them ever returned . Town life just went on around these houses , almost as if they didn 't exist , or existed with no more importance than the big trees that stood out prominently in the landscape of the town . The best real estate in these towns is still occupied by those once grand , abandoned dwellings . Still , amazingly , these houses were hardly ever broken into , as if they still deserved the respect their owners once received . And for years they just stood there , patiently waiting , facing the sea , snugly shuttered , and slowly decaying . Naturally , for curious children or daring teenagers , the empty houses were an irresistible attraction , but it was many years before anyone actually broke the taboo surrounding the houses and dared to sneak up the hill to play among them . And when they did , it didn 't take them long to discover the massive old maple tree growing right at the back of the grandest house of them all . A maple tree with thick sturdy limbs spread evenly up its strong trunk , limbs that reached up and over the roof top gables . With a tree like that , it was a snap to climb right up to where they could pry open the tiny attic dormer window that no one had bothered to board up . HEY ! Today is a new day and I am pretty disappointed in everyone who has glanced at this blog . This was meant to be a joint effort , that means me , of course , and YOU . PLAN : You add your ideas by writing them in the Comment Section under the Blog - and I publish it on the Blog ! Right Here ! Got it ? This means you write something , anything , but something in the style of this story idea and become a Contributor ! ! ! Naturally , us kids began to sneak up the hill to play around those houses . They were pretty irresistible . The biggest house of all had one of those huge old maple trees , the kind with thick sturdy limbs evenly spaced up the trunk , growing right at the back of it , so it was easy to climb up it and pry open the tiny attic dormer window that no one had thought to board up . There was big empty space on the desk where Max 's PC always was . Always . He never moves it , never takes it to work , but I know how important it is to him . He doesn 't trust the communal storage at work , so he routes all his data here , to his PC . Oh , God , we should have been so much more careful with our security here ! K9 was trotting around the desk , sniffing the air , his ears pricked up and turning on their gyros , trying to collate the information and figure out what went wrong . He cocked his head to one side and turned his glittering eyes on me . " Phone Max . " was all he said . He was right . I dreaded it , but I had to call Max . But , Christ , how to tell him ? He 'd flip out ! I looked at my watch , he must be at the University by now . Still , I hoped I could catch him in our car , it would be a lot better if I could talk to him off the campus , where they 'd be monitoring all calls . " But there was no answer when I called Max on his cell . Even if he was in his lab , he would answer his cell phone . He always takes my calls , even if only just to tell me he can 't talk right now . Maybe the server was down . I would have try to call him through the University switchboard . My mind went blank , and I had to turn to K9 , who was sitting motionless beside me now , " Max 's University line ? " I asked . Oh , my god , now I was really getting worried . " Please , Emma , will you have him call his wife as soon as does get in ? Thank you . " and I hung up and stared down at K9 . " Max isn 't at the University " I reported , and K9 began to go through his collating mode again , his ears twirling and his eyes dark . Then he stopped and trotted around the Max 's desk again , and looked up at me , his eyes glittering , " Probable incident . Data Compromised . Max Green in Danger . Roxie Green in Danger . Shift to level 5 , evacuation protocol now " . He was right . This wasn 't good . Max should have been at the University at least an hour ago . I wondered , just for a moment if I had forgotten something . If Max could have taken his computer himself and just gone off to meet someone ? No , impossible . Not without telling me - and not without informing K9 , who was programmed to detect changes in routine . But " Level 5 " was pretty extreme . Still , all the time , I knew what K9 meant . There might be real danger here . The project Max was working on was worth a lot of money . But was it really " compromised ? " Was the danger real ? I wondered if I should call the police . . . but , no , that wasn 't part of the protocol , you never know exactly who they are working for , but in a case like this , you can be damn sure it 's not you . If only we had taken more precautions . If only . . . Oh we were stupid , so stupid . . . Why had I turned the bot off before going to bed ? And Max . . . Where , oh where was Max ? I suddenly feel scared and alone . I sat down in Max 's office chair and tried to think . I had to collect my thoughts . K9 looked at me with his head cocked to one side . " Level 5 " he repeated , but he could see that I was shivering , and he changed his mode , and trotted over and sat down beside me , leaning his small metal body against my legs . He turned his heating element up a notch . For a few moments , I felt safe and warm . It would be a long time until I felt that way again . Power Source - Chapter 3 There was big empty space on the desk where Max 's PC always was . He never moves it , never takes it to work , but I know how important it is to him . He doesn 't trust the communal storage at work , so he routes all his data here , to his PC . Oh , God , we should have been so much more careful with our security here ! I dreaded it , but I had to call Max . He will flip when he hears this . I hope he 's not driving when I talk to him . I 'll ask him to pull over . Better that than him being in the office , though , where they 'll be monitoring all calls . But there is no answer when I call Max , and that is pretty much impossible . He always answers my calls , even if just to tell me he can 't talk right now . Once in a while , I call him through the work number - I did once when he left his phone here . So I tried that . " Hi , please connect me with Max Green " The voice came back : " I 'm sorry Mr Place is not in now . " " Has he been in ? " " Mr Green has not reported yet today " Okay , now I 'm getting worried . Freaky worried . If he weren 't there he would certainly be answering his phone . And he really should have been there by now . What to do ? I couldn 't call the company - the data on the missing computer was surely a first class violation . The police . . . well , you never know exactly who they are working for , but in a case like this , you can be damn sure it 's not you . What could have happened ? Maybe a crash , though crashes rarely happened , all cars being equipped with crash control . Still , I 'll check . The net has no record of any accidents between Stinson Beach and The City . A breakdown ? He 'd have called . Out of fuel ? Not expected for another two weeks , but there 's only one power station between here and the city , by Sausalito . Calling them shows no use by Max , no service calls at all . Oh , my god ; I suddenly feel so alone . I shiver and K - 9 trots over . I let him up on my lap and he turns his heating element up a notch . It feels good . Here is the Outline : A power company teams up with an evil venture capital company to mine what appears to be an unlimited power source from another dimension . This other dimension was discovered by the cosmophysicists of the mid 21st Century , but was tippy top clearance - level 11 , and only a few knew about it . Max was one of them - and he is the one who is about to sell his mining plan to another power company . Oh , yeah , we have run out of power sources by now after nearly destroying the planet with our carbon induced Global Warming , but at least we have reduced the population a bit , along with the animal population . Max is kidnapped by the forces of evil . . . who want the monopoly on the new power source . The evil ones plan to set up a their power station in New Mexico , where else ? Promise of a new economy . No one is to know where the power is coming from , but the Government has already approved it and keeping it under " Top Secret " . All Hush Hush We got him . It was easy . A perfectly discreet extraction . He made it easy for us , living in that ridiculous house . We 'd been watching him for the past year . Ever since he applied for the grant . We followed him on his move down to San Francisco and it was easy to set up surveillance in that house of his . All the new builds are plastiment - and they usually come with an option for debugging . We would have gotten in just the same , only not quite so easy . But this was , as they say , a piece of cake . We could have picked him up on the road , but we needed those last pieces of intel he kept locked away at home . So we waited until he was ready . Then they always foolishly turn off their dogbot at night . We had overheard them debating this issue . He wanted to save the batteries and she didn 't like being woken up by the dog barking every time a pinecone fell on the roof . So smart and yet so stupid . His wife is usually asleep when he comes home late , but she always wakes up and they chat a bit and watch some streams before going to bed . Then he gets up before she does , takes a look through his files , checks that its all there , and heads back to campus with the sunrise . We picked him up last night when he had just sat down at his work station . All we had to do was drop by with our Steletto . We had already reprogrammed his window locks , so getting in was not a problem , and used our " Silence is Golden " femmebot to make the extraction . Not even the dogbot detected her . A tranquilliser dart and sturdy net and out the window and into the Steletto - and now we have him all to ourselves . Max and his data and designs , and no one is the wiser . When I woke up this morning , he was gone . That 's not so unusual , so I wasn 't worried yet . I turned on the dogbot and the coffee machine and walked down to the beach with K9 - 5 . All our dogbots have been named K9 . It 's not very original , but we still have a soft part in our hearts for that old Dr Who relic of the 20th century . Actually , for scientists , we keep a lot of old relics around . That 's one thing we 've always had in common . The love of antiquities , old music , old books , old robots . It was low tide and the beach was deserted as usual . I threw some pieces of drift wood for K9 like I always do . Its hilarious to watch him navigate through the sand dunes . Sand may not be the best thing for a machine , but he has special fans that blow the sand right out of his joints and it hasn 't hurt him yet . He usually springs up and catches the wood before it even begins to descend . He always catches it , no matter how hard I try to trick him . He has sensors that predict the exact arc the stick will take , and sensors that pinpoint the spot he will grab it out of the air . He 's sensitive all right , so its my fault that I did not realise something was wrong when we got back to the house . First of all , I forgot that I had him on mute , so while I was making myself a bowl of cereal , he kept annoying me by clattering back and forth between Max 's study and the kitchen and bumping into the back of my thigh with his cold metallic nose . I finally realised he was trying to tell me something , and strolled into the sitting room to pick up the remote control I had left next to the X - stream Machine . I took him off mute . K9 's are always pretty terse , but his message was clear and I fairly flew to Max 's study . The door was unlocked . Max 's PC was gone . He never takes it with him . I began to feel sick to my stomach . Naturally , she is a genius as well as a computer whiz and a bit of a hacker . Naturally also , her dad happens to be the District Attorney for the big city across the river . Oh yes , I forgot to mention that this is all taking place in the USA - in a small town in the state of Connecticut . This small town will be a hotbed of drug smuggling , pedophile rings , unexplained cosmic phenomena , you name it - its all there . As much as I would like to start this today , I will begin tomorrow . As she said in Gone With The Wind , " Tomorrow is another day ! "

My sweetie took the first school runs and let me doze back off . Then Gamer took my last group of elementary kids so I didn 't really have to crawl out of bed until the phone rang around 8 : 30 . I tried to sort out some last minute details on our basketball tournament that starts tomorrow and ended up talking long enough that I didn 't have time for a shower but barely got Curly ready for school and out the door by 10 : 00 . I dropped him off and then took 33 boxes of cookies with me to Curves to deliver . ( I know , it 's a conflict of interest . . . ) . After working out I headed for home . Then Princess and I delivered about 10 cookie orders before it was time to pick up Curly at noon . Then it was time to take Burrito to school . After food , we finally made it to the high school . We finished with moments to spare for Princess to get ready for her dance class and then for me to load up another 3 dozen boxes of cookies to take to the elementary school . Crafty , Scout , and I got almost all of them delivered before 4 : 00 , but then it was time to take Prima Donna over to the middle school for her parent / teacher conferences . We finished at 5 : 25 with five minutes to get to the dance studio to pick up Princess . I had 10 minutes to print an address and gather another cookie order while Princess changed before she had to be at the church so she could attend the Jazz game with her YW group . After dropping her off , Crafty and I delivered the order and then I dropped her at her meeting at 6 : 00 . Back at the house I had 10 minutes before Teach and I headed out the door for Tupperware training . We both got some fun and amazing prizes ! Then it was a 20 - minute drive back home . We arrived about 8 : 30 , grabbed leftover soup from last night 's Blue and Gold banquet and settled for about 10 minutes before one of my scout moms came over for more cookies . She is also my assistant for basketball so she brought me more paperwork to be signed before our first game on Friday . I tried to arrange for those signatures but by then it was after 9 : 00 so that will have to wait until tomorrow . At 1 : 30 I sent the Dog Walker to bed ( BTW he got a job at WalMart today , moving freight on the graveyard shift ) . That was one of the many good things that happened today . He won 't start for a couple of weeks , probably about the time Teach leaves for her mission . I almost went to bed , but then I remembered how much I love talking to you guys so I took a few minutes to share my day . It will be well after 2 : 00 before I turn off the light . I really need more sleep and fewer cookies , although the piles get smaller every day . And tomorrow I have to cook ! No more leftovers . At least we have the Kindergarten Operetta to look forward to . . . they are doing Peter Pan and Burrito is an Indian Warrior . We can 't possibly miss that ! I have to guest - blog for my mom , because she was a little exhausted from the Pack Meeting Blue and Gold Banquet we did . And speaking of that , I actually like to talk about what happened at it . We were planning a Blue and Gold Banquet as a ceremony about the plans were doing for the next Pack Meetings for 2013 . By the way , I am the Assistant Cub Master with my Dad . That is an amazing job , since that I was the Awesome Autistic Boy Scout on the news . Anyway , the other night , Mom and I had to make sure everything was ready before the next day . We were so on schedule and that we had to make sure the fliers were delivered and that we had to set up tables and chairs for the banquet . Mom was so worried that we would never be able to set up all the tables on time before the banquet started . The other days , Teach had to make a special slide show about the cub scouts and the other fun activities we did in 2012 . With some guys from their volleyball practice , when they were done using the gym , they helped us out on setting up tables and chairs and it lasted for a few minutes to make sure that all the tables and chairs were set up for everyone to sit and eat the soups that they brought especially when we brought with us , our home - made turkey noodle soup . After we ate the dinner and passing out awards , we did tell them about what Pack meetings were about to do for the rest of the year , especially a promise to do Cubmobiles . Cubmobiles will be a lot of fun for the Cub Scouts . I hope we keep that promise for them . The rest of the summer passed quickly . I started eighth grade in September . I liked my teachers and my classes . I was elected as a student representative for the Parent Teacher Student Association and I was chosen to be a member of the Junior National Honor Society . Kiy had her first birthday and she grew her first four teeth all in one week . Nathan started school again in September too . He was learning to speak , even though he was still way behind all of the other kids his age . It was weird , it was like he and Kiy were the same age . In November , Mom and Dad told us that we were going to have another baby . We were all excited . I was sure that it would be a boy since we already had four girls and only two boys . Mom had her second doctor 's appointment on Christmas Eve and Dad decided to go with her since the doctor had promised that they could have a look at the baby on the ultrasound . They left about 9 : 30 in the morning and I was still tired . I was lying in my bed feeling lazy , after all , it was the Christmas holidays and I deserved a break from getting up early . I knew that I was baby - sitting and responsible , but Kiy was asleep on Mom and Dad 's bed and Nathan was downstairs watching cartoons with Kinsey and Kiyna . When I heard the water running in Mom and Dad 's room , I figured that Neal was in their shower , so I let it run . As it turned out , Neal had heard the water too , but he thought that I was the one in the shower . He had just gotten a great present from a friend , root beer and a huge candy - cane and he was anxious to show them to me . He ran up the stairs and yelled , " Kira , are you modest ? " Hearing no answer , he opened the door to Mom and Dad 's room and Nathan ran out . Nathan was naked and wet and Neal knew that Nathan was not allowed to shower alone . It only took Neal a second to know that something was wrong . He ran into the bedroom and saw Kiylee floating face down in the big green tub . He threw the presents on the floor and grabbed her blue little body out of the ice - cold water . Suddenly I heard him scream , " Kiylee 's dead ! We killed Kiylee ! " He pounded on my door and handed her to me . He was hysterical and crying . I grabbed her and said , " Neal , go call 911 ! Tell them we have a baby that we found in a tub , and stay calm ! " Neal ran down the stairs and called 911 , while I sat on the stairs and cleared Kiy 's throat . She was so cold ! I had learned CPR in school and in scouts , so I knew what to do , but something deep inside me shriveled into a tight little ball of fear as I started listening to her chest and automatically doing the things that had to be done . What if she died ? My parents would never trust me again . What would I do without my little sunshine ? She was my baby . I 'd spent almost as much time cuddling with her as Mom had . I felt for her pulse and again pushed my fingers into her mouth and throat . I was getting ready to start chest compressions and real CPR when she started to throw up and poop everywhere . There was some on my shirt and all over the stairs , but I didn 't care . Kiy was the most important and even though she was still blue , now at least she had shown some signs of life . Neal yelled for me to come downstairs and sit by the telephone , so he could give me instructions from the dispatcher . I ran downstairs with Kiy in my arms and told Kinsey to get a blanket and clothes for Kiy . I told Kiyna to go get my glasses and then to keep Nathan in the family room . It wasn 't his fault . He had put Kiy in the tub and we all knew it , but he didn 't understand that what he had done would hurt her . He just wanted to give Kiy a bath . They had baths together all the time , but never without someone making sure that nothing bad happened . I told Neal to tell the 911 - dispatcher that Kiylee had a pulse and was breathing , but she was horribly blue and cold . Meanwhile , our next door neighbor who is a paramedic , was pulling out of his driveway when he heard the call on his scanner . He flagged down another neighbor who is also a paramedic . She happened to be driving in front of our house right when we needed her . Together , they began stabilizing Kiy within a minute of Neal 's call . The South Jordan paramedics arrived about five minutes later and kicked us out of the kitchen . We knew we had to call Mom and tell her what was going on . I knew she would be upset . She had worried that something would happen in Yellowstone , but she thought we were pretty safe in our own home . I knew she wouldn 't blame Nathan ; she would blame me . I was supposed to be baby - sitting . I was supposed to be responsible . Kiy was so tiny and sweet and I had let her be in danger . She might even die and it was all my fault ! Neal called Mom and tried to tell her what was going on , but he ended up crying hysterically . Mom was trying hard to stay calm , but she lost it when I told her we found Kiy in the tub . I couldn 't tell her if Kiy would live or die , but I knew she wasn 't dead yet . I tried to tell her that they were life - flighting Kiy to Primary Children 's Medical Center , but Mom was so hysterical that I don 't think she understood me . A paramedic came in just then and I gratefully handed him the phone . He told her to calm down and carefully drive to the hospital because she would probably get there before Kiy . I stayed nearby during the entire conversation , but the paramedic didn 't tell them anything that I didn 't already know about Kiy 's condition . He told them that she was still breathing , but that was all . I went back into the living room where all of my brothers and sisters were lined up on the couch . They were crying and upset . Neal was struggling with Nathan . He didn 't want to sit quietly ; he wanted to watch TV . Neal was trying to put some clothes on him , but he wasn 't having much luck . I took Nathan 's hand and he settled down . I mechanically pulled on his Levis and t - shirt and slipped his arms into his coat . I knew that the helicopter was on its way and I didn 't think that they would let us stay there without my parents since we had already had one accident . I just wasn 't sure where we were going to go . I knew the paramedics didn 't want us to see them stick IVs and breathing tubes into Kiy . They also didn 't want us to know if she suddenly stopped breathing . After a few minutes , our next door neighbor , Janice , took us all to her house . They wouldn 't even give me time to change my shirt . We sat on her living room window seat and we watched Kiy go down the street on a stretcher . They didn 't dress her and she was covered with all sorts of tubes and wires . The helicopter had landed in the middle of the street a couple of houses from ours . The policemen had put up a tape - line so that none of our neigPosted by I told you yesterday that I was boxing up old VHS movies to go into storage since I couldn 't bear to part with them yet . Did I mention that some of them were Disney movies ? Well , Prima Donna happened to come in while we were sorting and she nearly had a fit when we put Hercules into the box . Why is it that the girls are so enraptured with Disney ? Me ? I like Mulan . We loved the last Disney on Ice show because we got to see so many of our favorite traditional princesses , but I have to say that I 'm really looking forward to the Dare to Dream show we are seeing next week . The previews look like it focuses on three specific princesses , all from our list . . . Cinderella , Rapunzel , and Tiana . I hope you can all join us at that show in Salt Lake City . Our tickets are for opening night , March 6 , and remember to use the MOM code when you buy your tickets to save a bunch of money ! Which Disney Princess do you like the best ? I don 't know why , but we have hundreds of movies at our house ! It didn 't seem like an obsession . I was in high school when the first VCRs came out . We were fascinated with the idea that we could choose a movie we really liked , plunk down $ 3 for the movie and $ 5 to rent the VCR and then take the whole thing home and plug it into our TVs . It was amazing ! It was pretty expensive for everyday use , remember it was the early 80s , but for a party or even a date it wasn 't too bad . We didn 't have a VCR of our own until we lived in Logan in 1987 and then they were still very expensive . I 'm sure my sweetie would disagree , but I 'm thinking we paid three or four hundred dollars for our first one . One of the first movies we owned was a copy of my graduation from the University of Utah . My sister made it for me and we didn 't even have a VCR at the time to watch it . If I were really talented I 'd figure out how to share a little footage with you . Maybe Bossy can do that . Anyway , that was 25 years ago and now we have so many movies we don 't know what to do with them all ! And we have donated boxes full in the past . I just don 't know what to do with all of these old VHS movies . The kids don 't want to part with the Disney Princess movies because even though we have replaced many of them with DVDs , quite honestly a DVD doesn 't have a very long shelf - life at my house . Half a dozen times in the DVD player and they are scratched beyond use . Then there is the cupboard full of movies that we have only watched once . I don 't know why we keep them . My sweetie says we paid too much for them to just get rid of them so they fill the cupboard and spill out onto the shelves . We just boxed up two large Tupperware boxes full of VHS movies to put in the storage room until we can bear to part with them . We are supposed to see a big storm tomorrow and I just know the girls are not going to want to go out in it . March Madness for me means not having a living room for a couple of weeks because there are cases of cookies stacked everywhere . It only dawned on me yesterday that I would likely still have cookies all over when the family comes on March 17 for Teach 's farewell . Not sure yet how I 'm going to deal with that yet . Last night Teach and I had the opportunity to go to the University of Utah Health Care " Girls Night Out " event . I had to work it in around basketball games and it was difficult but worth it . ( Let me just say that Princess and Crafty each made 4 points in their game ! It was the first points Crafty ever made in a YW game so she was really excited . ) Teach put together dinner while I was at the game and she put it on the table right before the two of us headed out the door . We had heard that there was to be some food at the event , so we took our chances and we were not disappointed . As soon as we walked in the door we were greeted immediately and invited to enter a drawing . We were each given a fold up makeup bag as a gift for coming and a glass of sparkling grape juice . There were people everywhere to help us find what we were looking for , but since we missed dinner , we started with the food . It was awesome ! We filled our little plates with meatballs , stuffed mushrooms , ham - wrapped asparagus , and skewers of chicken , tomatoes , and cheese . Then we found the dessert table loaded with cookies and tiny cake bites . After we finished , we discarded our plates and moved to the nutrition area . The nutritionist handed out healthy recipes and explained the sugar and fiber content in dozens of foods . We were then able to sample a delicious pasta . Our next stop was to head upstairs . I was mostly interested in speaking with a dermatologist . I have been blessed with clear skin and I rarely have trouble with acne , but my children are not so fortunate . So we spent most of our time listening to the various options and entering the drawings for free prevention kits . They gave us a trial - sized powdered weightless sunscreen and a mini bottle of soap ! If we had more time we could have even gone back in the office and had our skin " read " under black light to see where the most sun damage had occurred . The services they offered were awesome ! They had lots of free drawings and we put our names in as many of them as we could . We listened to several doctors and learned a lot about being a woman . They had different booths for mental health , infertility , high - risk pregnancy , and so many others we didn 't even get to see . We were still upstairs when Mary Nickles was speaking so we missed part of that , but we did hear her talk about her personal experience with cancer . At the very end we waited with bated breath as we held onto our tickets for the grand prize . . . . . wait for it . . . . . We didn 't win . But we were pretty close ! Hopefully we 'll be getting a call soon with winnings from one of their other drawings though . Teach and I had a basketball game at 8 : 00 so regretfully we had to leave at 7 : 30 . I would have liked to visit a few more tables and taken a self - defense class . The info on menopause started at 8 : 00 so I still don 't know anything about that , but we did win our basketball game . Teach made the first shot of the game with only 4 seconds ticked off the clock . I eventually ended up with 6 points and going up for a rebound I wrenched my left knee a little . I 'm having a hard time walking without a limp this morning . Today marks the one month before I leave for Texas . My emotions behind that statement really can 't even begin to be summed up because they range from bursting with excitement to curling up in the fetal position . I guess you could call it an emotional roller coaster ! Thanks to my wonderful parents I almost have everything I need for my mission and I even have a good handle on the packing already . Thus I 'm left with time on my hands . Usually this time is spent watching Psych with Baby Doll or other various children . We are pretty much hooked on at least one episode a day . My dad keeps saying I should be breaking myself away from things that I won 't be able to do on a mission , but my theory is I might as well " fill my canteen " right ? It 's crazy that I 'm down to one month left of my life as I know it . Yesterday Curly called me over to play a game of chess with him . I found him sitting there with all of his pieces and I was given one queen to move around the board . It reminds me of how in life sometimes we might feel alone , but we are never alone . We always have someone there to help us . Curly helped me put all of my pieces on the board and we commenced . In the end I won that game , but we all need help every once in a while . So don 't be afraid to ask . I 'm excited to go to Texas . I will surely miss my life here , but this is the greatest thing I could be doing at this point in my life . ( : I know that it is the right thing , and that it will change me and my family forever . I 'm sure you 'll be hearing from me again in the next month ! ( : Posted by On Sunday morning I asked my sweetie what he was planning to do on Monday . I knew he had taken the day off so we could spend it with the kids , but as far as I knew , he had yet to make any plans . Like usual , he threw the question back at me , but this time I was ready with an answer . " I think we should do a service project , " I announced . He looked a bit surprised , " Really ? " I was a bit offended by his response . Our family often did service for others so this wasn 't really a strange answer . " Well , " I defended , " I was thinking maybe we should go visit your mom and see if we can help her with anything . " Now he really looked surprised . " That was exactly what I was thinking ! " So the plan was born . He called his mom and got a feel for some of the things she might need done and then we gathered some tools and packed a picnic and early Monday morning ( ok , it was ten , but it felt early to us ) we got on the road . I even convinced the kids that our little army of helpers should wear their blog shirts so we all looked like a team . After greeting Grandma , everyone settled in to work . The kids cleaned cupboards and bathrooms , wiped cabinet fronts and washed windows . The Dog Walker changed out a bunch of burned out light bulbs that required a ladder . My sweetie fixed a cupboard door and put away boxes and Christmas things in the garage . We ate sandwiches for lunch including some fabulous Terrel 's doughnuts , and then started Round 2 . There was sweeping and mopping and Grandma wanted some hand - sewing done on her curtains . That took me , Princess , and Drama Queen several hours to complete . Some of the little ones got bored and brought out games and Legos . Sport made an awesome pair of glasses from basic blocks . Baby Doll loved the I - pad and Crafty and Scout played Mancala . By about 4 : 30 we finished all the tasks on Grandma 's list . The kids put away their games and gave her a hug . I herded them all to the van while my sweetie vaccumed his way right out the front door . We made the 2 - hour drive and arrived just in time to grab dinner at Village Inn . ( I love coupons ! ) We fed 10 of us for $ 36 . Then we drove home so we could clean up our own house before we started the new week . Did you do anything fun for President 's Day ? We had never been on a vacation before . Yeah , we 'd been out of school for Christmas and summer , but I mean we 'd never really gone anywhere . We sometimes made plans , but when it came near time to leave , Mom and Dad would change their minds and say they didn 't have enough money and maybe we could go next year . But this time , they weren 't making the arrangements . Jim was getting married ! He was 36 and he had never been married before . He is Mom 's oldest brother , but he gets mad at us when we call him " Uncle , " so it 's just Jim . His wife was also 36 and she hadn 't been married before either , so Grandma and Grandpa wanted to have a big family thing to celebrate . They planned another wedding reception just like Aunt Deb 's , except that this time Mom didn 't have to make the dresses . Anyway , Jim lives in New Zealand and his wife , Naimah , is from Singapore . So they got married in Singapore and then they came to Utah for another wedding and reception . They said their vows in Aunt Laurie 's backyard and the wedding reception was at a church near Grandma and Grandpa 's house . The reception was pretty much the same , stand in line , shake hands , smile and pretend we 're having a good time . That wasn 't the part I was excited about . Back in December when Jim announced that he was getting married , he also invited the entire family on his honeymoon . I know that sounds weird , but he thought that we all should get to know Naimah while she was in the United States since they would be going back to New Zealand and we wouldn 't get to see them that much . I didn 't care about that part , but the idea of a real vacation sounded great . Jim put Aunt Laurie in charge and she started making arrangements for everybody . She wanted money in January for all the rooms , so I knew if Mom and Dad paid up front , they wouldn 't back out at the last minute . We were going to Yellowstone first ; then we would go to Wyoming and spend some time in the Tetons and Jackson Hole . We were supposed to leave the day after the reception and drive all day . Then we would get to Yellowstone late in the day and spend our first night there . It started out kind of fun . Grandma rode with us and some of my other aunts and uncles traded cars so we could spend more time together . We stopped at a rest area just before we left Utah and Nathan 's shoe fell out . Dad picked it up and set it on top of the van . That was the last time we ever saw it . Don 't ask me why he didn 't just toss it back in the van ! Mom teased him about it for the rest of the trip . We played the license plate game and the alphabet game until we stopped in Idaho Falls for lunch . By then we were getting tired of riding . Kiy was just learning to crawl , so she hated being stuck in the van for that long . Luckily , we bought a little TV and VCR that kept Nathan entertained , but the rest of us were pretty tired of watching Barney . We wandered around the Idaho Falls LDS Temple for a while and watched the water slide off the edge of the embankment . It was really cool . It wasn 't really like a waterfall , because the water just kind of dropped off the edge and down into the canal . Mom was really nervous because Nathan liked the water too much and she was afraid that if we let go of him for even a minute , we 'd never see him again . In fact , Mom 's little paranoia at the temple set the stage for the entire trip . I don 't know , I guess she just thought that one of us would die somewhere along the way . First it was the temple , but it got worse when we actually got to Yellowstone . The first night we stayed at the Canyons . The rooms were pretty small and our family and Grandma squeezed into two rooms . Since we didn 't want to spend very much money , we also took coolers with food and drinks and stuff . We didn 't want to attract any animals to the van , so we drug all of it into our room . We didn 't have much room anyway , and having to trip over coolers and boxes just made it worse . We were so crowded ! But I was excited too ! We finally went somewhere on a family trip and it was even better than just our family . We had everyone with us . Mom has seven brothers and sisters and they were all there with their families except Gary , who wasn 't married and lived in Japan , and Aunt Deb and Uncle Layne . They didn 't come because their baby was due any time and the doctor didn 't think that they should leave town . Anyway , we had a pretty big group . Our new aunt was nice , but we didn 't really get to spend much time getting to know her . She rode the whole time with Grandma and Grandpa in their car and other than a little bit of time in the evenings , she and Jim stayed in their room . I think she was tired . She had that huge wedding in Singapore that she planned all by herself . Then she came to Utah and went through another wedding and reception . Then she got in a car and listened to Aunt Amy gab for hours . She must have been exhausted ! We got up that first morning after finally sleeping for a few hours . I was staying with Grandma in her room about 30 feet from Mom and Dad 's cabin . We opened the door and when we got about half way over to the other cabin , we noticed three buffalo standing about 50 feet from us ! Neal was scared , but he wouldn 't admit it . I had read books on buffalo , so I knew how fast they could move . I started walking faster , and I sort of pushed Neal in front of me . We finally got to Mom and Dad 's door and I don 't think those buffalo even glanced at us . Mom and Dad had the door locked and we finally roused them out of bed about ten minutes later . Those buffalo could have eaten us in the amount of time it took for Dad to find his glasses and step over coolers and boxes to get to the door . Kinsey and Kiyna were very excited to see the buffalo , but Mom and Dad made us keep our distance . Then Uncle Randy came over from his cabin to see what all the fuss was about . He started walking toward them like they were in the zoo and there were iron bars to keep him safe ! He 's lucky they didn 't gouge him in the stomach . We finally got him to move away from them and we all piled into the vans and cars for our first real look at Yellowstone . I think Mom 's first real look at Yellowstone was enough ! We drove a few miles to see one of the waterfalls . I don 't know what she was expecting , but she put Kiy in the backpack and grabbed Nathan 's hand . We all kind of skipped ahead on the path and Mom and Dad followed . The path was well used , but the walls were short and really wouldn 't keep anybody safe . The cliffs were high and they dropped two or three hundred feet to the river bottom . That was the good part . By the time we got to the waterfall , I thought Mom was going to be sick . She wouldn 't let us get close to the wall to look over at the water . Nathan 's hand was practically purple because she was holding it so tight . Mom took one peek and hustled us all back to the van . The second place we stopped was at the geyser basin . Grandma helped Nathan into his stroller and started down the path . Mom was changing Kiy 's diaper and she told all of us to stay put until she was finished . It took us about ten minutes to realize that Nathan and Grandma were too far ahead and we weren 't going to catch up with them before we entered the basin . Mom was terrified of the geysers and the pools of burning water that always went with them . I thought she was going to faint when we couldn 't find Grandma and Nathan . Grandma never remembered to fasten the seat belt in the stroller and Nathan liked to climb out whenever and where ever he wanted . Because he couldn 't talk and understand things , " danger " was not something that bothered him . Most of the time , " HOT ! " didn 't even mean anything . We took the short path through the basin . Mom had Kiy in the backpack and I could tell that Mom 's leg was bothering her . She was very upset and after about 100 yards , she found a bench and sat down . We waited there for about 15 minutes . Dad found Uncle Glen and asked about Grandma . They hadn 't seen her either . Aunt Laurie 's family joined us on our bench and we all waited . Finally , we heard Grandma coming before we saw her . Mom sent me down the trail to make sure We made our way home through Jackson Hole . We had lunch there and then we shopped at some of the tiny stores . Dad bought us doughnut holes from a street vendor who made them right in front of our eyes . We also saw all of the elk horns stacked up at the park . The ride home seemed even longer than the ride to Yellowstone . Everybody was tired and ready for a nice hot bath . It was late when we finally got home , so we just all kind of fell into bed . We didn 't even unload the van . Mom didn 't care , she was just glad to be home with everyone still alive . I didn 't care , as long as I could sleep in my own bed and listen to my own music . Nathan was just glad that he didn 't have to wear clothes all the time and Mom was so tired , she even let Kiy sleep with me . Note from Sweetie . . Last year we set a goal to finally build a basketball court in the backyard . ( It had been planned into our original landscaping almost 20 years ago . ) We moved the garden and then spent too much on vacation and new shingles . On Friday we got an estimate of our tax refund . Saturday I was at work and got a two - word text from Sandy . It simply said , " Basketball Court ? ? " She was sitting at Sport 's last Jr . Jazz game , so I didn 't get it . . . Then Sandy and the kids went and shot hoops at the church on Saturday night and Scout made her first 10 - foot basket ! And then this afternoon Gym Rat came in and said Sport needed some help . . . Either I 'm being manipulated by an organized sneaky group of co - conspirators or I really need a basketball court . . . OK , so now I have to tell you about our 1 / 2 hour at the church ! Sport wanted me to move all the cars off the driveway and block the balls from rolling in the street so they could shoot some hoops . I was busy in the house so I told them if they would gather all the trash from the front yard ( we finally had most of the snow melt so we could see the damage ) that I would run them to the church where they could really play . Sport , Scout , and Curly thought that would be awesome , so they started working . About 20 minutes later they came in and announced that they were finished . After a quick inspection , I had to agree that they had earned their prize . They each grabbed a basketball and I cautioned Drama Queen against letting Burrito 's birthday cake burn and we headed for the church . I reminded them that we might not be able to get a court , but since my keys fit all three buildings , we would try . We stopped at my regular hangout where the women practice once a week and we were a little discouraged by the number of cars in the lot . I sent Sport inside and he reported back that a birthday party was in full swing . He climbed back in and we headed for the second building . It only had a half court , but I figured that would be good enough for us . Apparently some other kids thought the same thing , so we pointed the van toward the stake center . I guessed the odds were pretty slim that we would get the opportunity to play , but I had promised to try . There were only a couple of cars in the parking lot , so we all got out and headed for the door . As soon as we got into the hall , I could hear a ball bouncing in the gym . Undeterred , Sport decided to investigate anyway . There were some teenaged boys practicing at one end of the floor . I asked them if they minded if we shot for a few minutes at the other end of the court and they graciously agreed . We each had a ball and spent the next few minutes tossing them toward the hoop . It wasn 't long before Curly got discouraged and climbed the stairs to the stage . There was no way he was going to be able to shoot that high . Scout gave up too , but she decided to start chasing the ball and passing it to me so I could shoot . At least then she could get credit for an assist . After about 10 minutes of that , she decided to include Curly . She grabbed my pink ball and tossed it to him so he could toss it to me . Since he was still sitting on the stage , I was outside the 3 - point line and then I would turn and shoot . After I made two three - pointers in a row that way , he got down off the stage so he could participate a little better . We shot from all over the floor and they were running and giggling and chasing the ball . Then I announced it was almost time to go . Sport kept saying , " Just one more shot ! " Scout grabbed her ball and started trying to make one last shot of her own . After numerous valiant attempts , and a few that actually hit the rim , I consoled , " Don 't worry , soon your arms will be strong enough to get it up there . " With that bit of advice , she took a deep breath and threw the ball with all her might . It hung for a moment on the top of the rim and then gently fell through the hoop ! We started yelling and high - fiving . Curly looked a little sad as he slipped on his jacket . He was the only one who hadn 't made a shot that day . I leaned over and suggested , " Want me to ask one of those boys to lift you up so you can make it ? " He looked over at the boys who were having their own half - court game and then shook his head . " Really , " I said , " I 'll ask them for you . " Again he shook his head and clutched his ball tighter . So I did what any mother would do . . . " Hey , would one of you guys lift my little guy up so he can make a basket ? " They stopped their game and one of the tallest boys walked toward us . He lifted Curly high over his head until he was about two feet under the basket and then First time . All the boys cheered with us as we headed out the door . Yeah , we need a basketball court , we already have a couple of tall big brothers and lots of people who love basketball . So thanks to my wife 's awesome blog we got to try a fun family activity we hadn 't done before . We went to a Monster Truck event , and not just any event , the top dog of monster truck events . . . Monster JAM ! At the last minute we got 4 rather than 2 tickets . After a bit of drama with who got to use the tickets , me , Sport , Scout , and Curly headed off to the Energy Solutions arena . After stopping off real quick at my work to get the fourth set of ear protectors . . yes , I have noise earmuffs at my desk ( let 's just say the guys behind my cube like to talk ) . So I was driving into downtown and about 30 seconds before we got to the parking lot , I realized I had two small boys and one small girl on a 4 - plus hour adventure and no one to go into the restroom with Scout . Maybe she wouldn 't have to go . Just then a small voice begged , " Daddy , I need . . . " We picked up our tickets at will call . I headed for the stairs . . and as I handed the tickets to the usher he said the sweetest words I heard all night . " You 're on the suite level . That 's two flights up . . . A suite ? Really ? Suites have their own bathrooms . Problem solved ! Ironically , the suite used for the bloggers normally belongs to my employer . Didn 't think I would ever see the inside of that one or any suite for that matter . After settling in we got to watch some awesome street trucks race around before the main event . Then there was a very cool opening where police officers , firefighters , EMTs , service men and women were all recognized . Then it was time for the trucks . The kids were fascinated for the first 20 minutes , then Scout started exploring the suite . Curly started to doze off and the grin on Sports face was replaced with a seriously concerned look . Intermission and some amazing motorcycle tricks had Sport back into it and Scout even stopped getting yet another ice water and started watching again . Curly peacefully slept . Overall the freestyle was their favorite . That 's probably why it was last . As we were leaving I asked each of the kids what they liked and didn 't like , so straight from the most honest critics , here you go . Pros : Trucks were cool . Drivers were nice and gave away their trophies . The motorcycles were cool and some of the jumps were amazing . The cutest truck was the Dalmatian and it has a girl driver ! The steam from the bull 's nose is cool . Cons : Too slow . Only squished cars . Tricks weren 't as cool on the website . The don 't throw free stuff into the suites . Didn 't understand the rules ( that is what had been stressing Sport . . he didn 't understand the rules and he didn 't like being confused ) . Batman , and Superman trucks weren 't there . So overall as a parent my thoughts . 1 . I was impressed by the detail to fan and driver safety . There are numerous officials with emergency controls ( shut off and brakes I believe ) . If a driver is getting into a dangerous situation , they shut down the truck . 2 . Small arena monster trucks is a bit lame compared to the highlights of the outdoor stadiums . 3 . If you 're taking small children , invest , buy , borrow earmuff - style sound protection . We had a way easier time than the parents trying to keep disposable ear plugs in their small children 's ears . And last but not least . Don 't take the kids to a monster truck show if you hate hearing things like " Best night ever ! " " We 've got to do this again ! " " Can we go the Vegas and watch the Nationals ? " Oh , and for what I thought was my best idea of the evening ( packing the Hot wheels Monster Jam trucks for them to play with ) , I 'm sure they will play with them tomorrow , but tonight they would rather watch the real thing ! * * I am a Feld Family Ambassador and in exchange for my time and efforts in attending shows and reporting my opinion within this blog , as well as keeping you advised of the latest discount offers , Feld Entertainment has provided me with complimentary tickets to Feld shows and opportunities to attend private Feld pre - Show events . Even though I received these benefits , I always give an opinion that is 100 % mine . * * Posted by So how was your Valentine 's Day ? I wasn 't feeling very well yesterday or today , but I wanted to do something special for the kids so after lunch I whipped up a batch of pink cupcakes . Teach brought me home some heart - shaped chocolates and I added those to make them a bit more festive . Meanwhile , she had a valentine idea of her own . She pulled out all the heart - shaped cookie cutters and she was helping Baby Doll and Curly make little pizzas for after school snack . She even used tiny fondant cutters to cut the pepperoni into heart shapes ! Although I think Baby Doll ate about half the pepperoni before it ever got on a pizza . That big one was for Dad . After the got home from school and ate their pizza , we took the extra cupcakes to some of the neighbors and the kids delivered their valentines to their neighborhood friends . My sweetie came home in time to go to Princess and Crafty 's basketball game and he brought me a box of chocolates and a heart - shaped balloon . Yeah , I got a good one ! We got home just in time to make Hawaiian haystacks for dinner and quickly clean up the house . The Dog Walker had registered a Just Dance party for the One Billion Rising event . He learned about it in his Humanities class . The organizers were trying to get 1 billion people to stand up and say they were tired of violence against women . Honestly , when he registered his event on the website , we only expected it to be a family affair . Then we got a response from someone saying they were coming with 6 of their closest friends ! I immediately panicked and we all madly cleaned the house for an hour to make it a bit more presentable . When the Dog Walker took off for his basketball game at 7 : 00 , I sent Teach to the store for some cookies . If people were coming , I didn 't want to send them away without a treat . We started the dancing promptly at 8 : 00 and by 8 : 30 we decided these random guests weren 't really coming . So the 11 of us stood up again violence and then we all ate cookies . Just what we needed , a little more sugar . I hope you all had an amazing Valentine 's Day full of love and chocolate !

I woke to sunlight streaming in through the window . I rolled over , feeling a hand across the bed , it was empty . I lifted my head up off the pillows , looking across the bed . No Steve . What time is it ? I leaned over a little further , looking at the clock , seven thirty . Ugh ! I dropped back on the pillows . I slept through the alarm . He left without waking me , and saying goodbye . Then I remembered last night , and smiled to myself . I got hard just thinking about it . All of the marathon sex that we had . He had pounded my butt some many times , I had pounded him , not as many , but I was sore . I reached down , under the covers and felt myself . It was sore , not only my hard dick , but my ass as well . I openly smiled now , as I rolled over on my back . I reached down and pulled on myself , thinking of what we did last night . I threw back the covers with my other hand , bending my legs at the knees , spreading my legs , and watched my cock as I pulled on it . Oh , yeah . I remembered it was so hot , Steve bending me around , twisting me like a pretzel , eating me , licking , sucking . I really don 't know how many times I got off . I was breathing hard now , and then I shot out , up my chest , letting it pool on me . I stroked myself a few more times , and then scooped up my shot and put it to my lips . Mmmm . Doorbell . Shit ! Now ? ! I got up and grabbed my shorts and slipped them on . My hardon was still there . I tucked myself down as much as I could and walked to the door . Doorbell . I grabbed the knob and threw it open . My eyes went wide . Jason ! Fuck ! " Morning . Wait , what ? " I looked down at myself , half hard , bulging in my short shorts , my chest and stomach all shiny from my load . I was embarrased . " Uh , no , what makes you ask ? " Trying to be cool about it . " Oh , that 's right , the flower beds . " I scratched my head . " Yeah . I had company yesterday , and we were kind of busy . . . " " Yeah , he did . " I turned my head and looked toward the kitchen and the clock , then back to Jason , who was right up to me now . " I was just going to make coffee . . . " Jason stepped through the door . " and get ready . . . sure , won 't you come in ? " I shut the door . He turned on me , pushing me against the door . His mouth went to mine , and a hand grabbed my cock . I was taken totally by surprise , but , wow , this was good . Steve . . . I pushed Jason back with everything I had . I just stared at him . I wiped my mouth with one hand . " What the hell ? " I asked out loud . " My aunt sent me over here . " He turned and walked through into the living room . " Oh , new furniture . " He said , looking back at me , as I followed him . He went to the slider , looking out through the blinds . " I see the flowers are doing well . You weeded the beds , didn 't you ? I know he wouldn 't . " He turned and walked back to me , getting close , very close . He reached up and touched my nipples . " Who do you think planted them ? " Jason circled them with a fingertip . " He didn 't tell you , did he ? " " Didn 't think so . " Jason stepped back a little . " You are his type , though . Very good looking , thin , his height , hung like a horse . " Jason leaned forward , " He loves a big dick . " He leaned back . " And it looks like you 've got a really big one . " I got tense and a little angry . It wasn 't just his manner , it was more of his tone . Sarcastic son of a bitch . " I think you should go . " I said , matter of factly . He didn 't move , but I did . I went to the door and opened it . " Now ! " I said loudly . Jason stood there for a second and then moved . He walked toward the door , and then I stopped him , holding out a hand . " There 's a reason why Steve and I are together . It 's called mutual respect . Something that I don 't think you know anything about . Find someone else to dig with . " Jason walked by and I slammed the door right behind him . It 's a wonder I didn 't hit him with it . I locked it , turned and leaned against it . Jesus Christ ! What a dick head ! I went into the kitchen and leaned against the counter with my hands for a minute . I was shaking . I pulled myself together and made coffee . I went back to the bedroom and took off my shorts . I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower . Doorbell . Shit ! If that 's him again , I 'm gonna punch him in the . . . doorbell . Damn ! I shut the shower off and walked down the hall , fuming . I unlocked the door , and opened it , realizing as I did that I was naked . I stood behind it , looking around the door as I did . Evie stepped inside before I could say anything to her at all . She took the door and closed it , locking it . " Morning , Kevin . " She said in her rapid pace . " I saw Jason come over , and then leave . I wanted to know if you were okay . You know , he 's a little on the . . . " " . . . uh , no , but I can go get it for you in a minute , if you want to read it . But , Jason , you need to be really careful of him . I mean , he 's a nice guy and everything , but if he doesn 't get his way . . . " I stepped into the shower . " . . . uh , okay . Where do you want me to sit . On the bed ? It isn 't made yet . I can make it for you , if you want . Kevin , are you sure you 're okay ? You look a little out of sorts this morning . " " Well , Evie . I don 't know , maybe I am . I got woken up by the doorbell , a crazy man comes in and kisses me , I haven 't had my coffee yet , and oh , I don 't even know what day it is . I 've kind of lost track . " " Oh , it 's Friday , the 17th . Did you want coffee ? I think I smell it . You think it 's done ? I 'll go check . Be right back . " Silence . Oh , my , the silence , it was good . I leaned my head against the tile wall and let the water hit my back . It , running down into my butt , felt good . I put my hands on my cheeks and spread them apart . Oh , that felt so good and it helped . " I brought the coffee for you , Kevin . " I shut the water off . I opened the door . Evie was standing there in the bathroom , trying not to look at me , but failing . I grabbed a towel and dried myself . I wrapped the towel around me and walked over to the counter where she stood . " Thanks , Evie . " I said softly , then took a sip . " You 're a life saver . " She smiled , and blushed . " Evie , do you have a car ? " " Yes , I do , Kevin . I don 't drive it much . It 's parked in the garage . I never go many places , so it isn 't used much . My parents actually bought the car . . . " She sighed heavily , then took me by the shoulders , turning me to face her . " Now you listen to me , mister . I don 't think it 's a mistake . I 've seen how you are with Steve , and how he is with you . I hear you guys all the time . . . you know , . . . talking and stuff . . . he 's crazy about you . You 've only been here a few days , it 's all new to you . I mean , he 's had a few guys here , but not like you , where they stayed here and you know . . . lived here . You are different . I think you need to give it some time , that 's all . " I smiled at her , and pulled her to me , giving her a hug . " You 're a good friend , Evie . I 'm glad you 're here . Thanks . " " You 're welcome . " She said , patting my shoulders , delicately . " Now , let 's finish our coffee , and you get ready . We have a lot to do today . " " New carpet ? You 're getting new carpet ? I wish I could get new carpet . Mine are so worn down , it 's terrible next door . " I sipped my coffee as I walked by her , still wrapped in my towel . I looked at the bed , it was made . I chuckled to myself . Probably all kinds of tracks on the sheets , I didn 't notice , but she probably did . I walked over to the big dresser and pulled out my overalls . I looked in the bags and boxes Mom had brought and found a button down , pale blue shirt shirt . Evie sat on the bed , while I dropped my towel , and stepped into my overalls . I got them to my waist , tucking myself inside then put the shirt on , buttoning it , then pulling up the bibb and hooking the straps . I put on socks and slipped on my shoes . I went back to the bathroom and fixed my hair and brushed my teeth . I hung up the towel and walked back into the bedroom . Evie just stared at me . I smiled , and took her by the hand , leading her out of the bedroom . We went into the kitchen and sat on the stools at the counter . I refilled the coffee cups , fixing hers the way she likes it . We drank the last of the coffee in the cups , and then I rinsed them in the sink and unplugged the pot . We walked out together , locking the front door . We went next door to Evie 's house . She went in and grabbed her things , keys , purse , and set about locking everything up . I followed her into the garage , and my mouth fell open . " It 's a 1974 Nissan Fairlady . My parents bought it for me when it was brand new . My father liked it . He said it might help me find the right man . . . yeah , right . . . all it 's found is traffic cops . . . they all love it . . . I 've been thinking about selling it . . . " " Yes , I have been . I think you should drive . You can drive , right ? Do you have your license ? I mean , I 'm sure you do . Here , why don 't you drive . I really don 't like the car , anyway . I always have to talk my way out of a ticket every time I go out in it . " She held up the keys . I smiled and walked around the car . I took the keys from her and she opened up the garage door . I got in , and started the car . Wow . It was nice . I scooted the seat back , and got comfortable . I turned the key and it fired up . It rumbled with the exhaust , sounding very mean . I figured out the gears pretty quickly , and put her in reverse . I backed out of the garage and stopped in the driveway . Evie closed the door down , and got in the passenger side . I backed out of the driveway and took off down the street . Evie was wide eyed the whole time . I came to a stop at the intersection , realizing that I had no idea where I was going . I looked at her . She smiled , and pointed left . Off we went . I showed her the bank book , and she knew where to go . It was no time at all and we were in the parking lot . We got out and went in . We walked up to one of the people at one of the desks in the lobby . I asked to speak to someone about my account to do a transfer . Within a few minutes , a man in a suit walked up and asked if he could help us . I explained that I wanted to transfer funds into a new checking account to be set up . I handed him my book . He looked it over and his eyes went wide . From that moment on , it was all about ' yes , sir ' or ' no , sir ' . They didn 't treat me like I was some kind of a kid . Once the banking was concluded , we shook hands and walked out . I had a little bit of cash in my pocket now , and felt much better . Evie directed me to the department store that Steve and I had gone to . She knew where it was by the name on the truck that was at the house . We got out and walked in . A pretty girl walked up and asked if she could help us . I said , yes , asking where to get a key made , and where the personnel department was . She directed us to both locations . " You 're applying for a job ? " Evie asked , leaning close to me . " Does Steve know ? I mean , how would you get here ? Have you ever worked before ? " " Yes , I 'm applying for a job . I did discuss it with Steve , and he shut me down . I think he wants me to be some kind of housewife or something . And as for getting here , if I get the job , I 'll buy your car , if you want to sell it . " Evie was wide eyed the entire time I filled out the application . The lady at the personnel counter was looking me up and down with some kind of leer on her lips . She was making me a little nervous . I would hate to be alone with her for any length of time . I finished the application and slid it back across the counter to the lady . She picked it up and read it . A horrible thought came to me , she knows where I live , oh god ! She said it would be just a moment and she walked into a back office . She returned , smiling out of the corner of her mouth . She opened the little half door at the counter , telling me to come on back . I followed her in . " Mrs . Herrington ? Here he is . " She said flatly , standing in the doorway , looking me up and down . I swear I saw her lick her lips out of the corner of my eye . " You must be Kevin . " The older lady said , getting up from her desk . She extended out a hand toward me . " I 'm Amelia Herrington . I 'm in charge of personnel here . Won 't you have a seat ? " " Thank you . " I wasn 't prepared to be interviewed , but I was happy to be doing it now rather than waiting for the nerves to build up . She smiled at me , and I returned it . After a few minutes of questions and my explaining just graduating high school and wanting to go on to college , but needing a job to pay for it , a little white lie , she rose from her seat , commenting and complimenting me on being a very nice and well mannered young man , thanks Mom for making me that way , she said she would be giving me a call after the weekend . I thanked her for her time and walked out , going by the leer lady , yuck . I gathered Evie and got the key made . We drove to a little café not far from the store and sat down for a late breakfast . We talked , well , mostly it was Evie , about the possible job and doing things around the house . Evie was really a wealth of information about Steve if you kept her on track . She loved talking about him , but would wander in her rapid pace . She knew his likes and dislikes in food , clothes , people , right down to toilet paper choices . I felt like such an idiot again , not paying attention to signs , not asking questions of him , the man I love more than anything . It slapped me upside the head , all I was interested in was sex and being with him . I suddenly knew there was so much more to all of this . All of a sudden , I was exhausted from the overload of information that had dropped on me . My God , I had so much to think about , so much to process . But , deep down , in the back of my mind , I was more upset about Jason . More than that , Steve and Jason . Two gorgeous men , and here I was . Jason had thrilled me with that kiss , but his groping me pissed me off , but excited me at the same time . What the hell was going through my mind ? I had what I wanted , or did I ? Oh , don 't think those thoughts ! You do have what you want , a man who loves you , who wants to take care of you , who was scared when he didn 't know where you were . Yes , that 's it ! He was scared to death thinking you were gone . " Evie , we 've gotta go . " I said , looking at the check , throwing out some cash . She looked at me with wide eyes and confusion . I slid out of the booth , and held out my hand . She grabbed her little purse , and slid out , taking mine . " Evie . " I said , after I got her outside . I grabbed her by the shoulders . " Don 't you understand ? It 's all clear to me now . I know what I have to do ! We need to go to the grocery store . I have to get things for dinner , a very special dinner . And I have to be back at the house to meet the carpet man . We 've got to hurry . " Once in the car , we rocketed off to the store . I picked out items for a very special dinner for Steve . I wanted something else that was special , but didn 't know what . Evie stepped in , seeing what I was gathering , she sighed and took control , saying something about stupid men , knowing how to screw , but not being able to put a meal together right . We ended up at the liquor aisle . She looked up and down a few shelves and found some wine . She grabbed a bottle and put it in the grocery cart . " I am , so shut up . " She said . Wow ! A new Evie ! Taking control and wheeling the cart to the register . Everything was rung up and I pulled out my new check book . Both the clerk and Evie looked at me . " Put that away . Pay me back when we get home . " We left the store , Evie was mumbling more to herself than to me . I was trying very hard to listen to her . She looked at her watch . " We haven 't much time . We have to hurry so you 're not late for that carpet man . " Groceries loaded , we jumped in the car and she directed me to get home . We pulled in the driveway and pulled out the bags as the carpet man pulled up . Whew ! Timing is everything . Once inside , I was so thrilled that my new key worked , Evie asked if I knew how to cook the lamb . I said I think so . She shook her head and said she would be right back . I was putting the things away as the carpet man was measuring the living room , the dining room , then the hallway , and the master bedroom . I still needed to find out what to do about the spare rooms . What the hell , I threw caution to the wind and had him measure those as well . Evie returned with a cookbook . She had the page open to the broiled lamb . It looked good in the picture , I only hoped it would turn out that way . I sat on a stool and copied the recipe from the page . I thanked her for the book , she smiled and thanked me for getting her out of the house . I smiled wide . The carpet man came to the counter with his figures . I showed him into the living room and had him sit on the couch . I stood behind him , looking over his shoulder as he wrote out the bid , Evie was sitting next to him . He held up the figure to me . It took my breath away , it was a lot of money . He smiled up at me . " I have to tell you that you picked out one the most expensive types of carpet there is . But , this figure is only for the carpet and installation . The pad . . . " " The lady that was with you yesterday . She took care of it . " He saw my expression . " Oh , I 'm sorry , I thought you knew . " " No , I didn 't know . " I turned and looked at Evie . " My Mom , doing the ' mom ' thing . " Evie nodded her understanding . I looked back at him , sitting there . " So , when can you do it ? " " I can order the carpet from the mill , and have it here and installed within a week . We need to have the furniture out of the house , I 'm sure you understand . I can call you when it arrives and make the final appointment with you . " " When it arrives . I 'll have you come down and take care of it then . " He stood up , reached out and took my hand , then Evie 's . She walked him to the door , " You know , I 'm thinking of having my house recarpeted , it 's right next door , if you have a few minutes , you might want to take a look , and then you can . . . " Her voice trailed off out the door , as she had him arm locked with hers . I sighed , and sat down . Evie came back in a couple of minutes later . She was all smiles as usual . I got up and started prepping for dinner , as it was half past two . Steve would be home after five , that would barely give me enough time . She helped and finally everything was prepped . I set the table , and went out and cut some flowers . I placed them in a small bowl and arrainged them for the center of the table . It looked nice , Evie said she was impressed , well , that and other things . Jeez , I needed a nap ! She was exhausting , sweet , but exhausting . I set the oven , preheating it . She said she was going home , wishing me luck . She gave me a kiss on the cheek , which made me smile . I told her to come for coffee in the morning , and to bring the paper . She blushed and walked out the door . After a while the oven was set and ready . I put the lamb in . I tossed a salad and got everything ready to go on the stove . Once again , timing was everything . Down to about the half hour mark when I thought he would be home . I got busy , checked the lamb , basting it like it said in the recipe , started to the water for the red potatoes , got the dinner rolls ready to go in the last few minutes . Okay , everything was set , bringing me to time . I went out back and started to run some water in the flower beds . I moved the hose around , lost in thought . Then , I Snapped back as I heard something behind me . I turned slightly and saw his shadow coming up behind me . I felt those butterflies in my stomach , and I got tingely all over . I smiled to myself . " Yes , very nice . Thanks for taking care of them . " He answered , wrapping his arms around my waist from behind me . I tilted my head back , resting it on his shoulder . " Well , " I turned around in his arms , looking into his beautiful eyes , which were warm , but looked so tired . " I need to go check on dinner for you . We can talk while I do it . " I took him by the hand and walked him inside , stopping to turn off the water . We went in , I went to the stove , while he sat on a stool . " Jeez , that smells so good . Is that lamb ? " I looked over my shoulder and wiggled my eyebrows at him . " It 's one of my favorites , how did you . . . Evie , you talked to Evie . " He shook his head . I walked up to him and put my arms on his shoulders . I kissed his dirty forehead . " Yes , I did . She has been a great help to me , and is a good friend . But , I had another visitor today . " " I met him yesterday , across the street at the Allen 's . I was helping her , he delivered some plants . " I went slow , watching him and his reaction . He was getting pissed , I could tell . " We were suppose to plant everything for her this morning , but as I didn 't get on time , he came to get me . " " Well , that 's great , because I don 't either ! " I said loudly . " He came in and threw himself on me . I had to throw him out ! It would have been nice to know , that you have an ex that 's a relation to one of the neighbors ! " " Would what , ever come into the neighborhood again ? With his aunt and uncle living right across the street ? What the hell ? Are there any more you might want to tell me about that I might have to run into around here ? I mean , I don 't mind that you 've had others , you 've even said something to me about them , but holy shit , when they throw themselves on me ? " " Well , maybe , if they 've been here , and maybe , if they might show up here ? A little warning might be a good thing . Not like shit head , running his tongue down my throat , and grabbing my dick ! " " He did exactly what I said he did . I threw him out . " I said calmly . I could see Steve 's hands ball up ino fists . " And another thing , I went and had a key made today . " Steve looked stunned . " Where did you . . . Evie . Goddam it ! " Steve sat back on the stool . He brought up a hand to his face and rested his elbow on the counter . " I should have taken care of that . I 'm sorry , Kevin . This is all turning bad , all of it , isn 't it ? I 'm not doing what I said I was going to do . " He started to sob . Mother of God , I felt like a total shit heel ! I put my arms around him , tearing up as well . " Oh , Steve . Don 't be upset . It 's my fault for not asking , for not talking . I 've been so wrapped up with just the sex and being with you . I 'm a complete idiot . " Steve pushed himself up through me . He looked at me with wet eyes , that were furious and hurt at the same time . He reached out and grabbed me , pulling me into him in a tight hug , so tight , I could barely breath . I wrapped my arms around his waist . He sobbed on my shoulder . " Kevin , I swear to you , I 'm never going to let you down again . I 'll do better , I promise . And that fucker , Jason , if he ever comes near you again , I 'll break every bone in his body . " " Whoa , easy there , killer . I think I took care of him . We shouldn 't have to worry that now . Let 's focus on us , and making us better , okay ? " I tried to breath , but it was difficult . " But , Steve , sweetie , I really need to breathe . " He eased his grip on me . " That 's better . Now , sit down , there 's a couple of things I need to tell you . " " Yes . " I guided Steve to the stool . " Now , listen to me . Listen carefully . I applied for a job today . " He looked like he was going to either scream or go into a panic . " It 's at the store that you and I went to to get the paint . Now , I know what you said a couple of days ago , but I 've got to do something . It 's not fair that you pay for everything , and besides I 'll go stir crazy being here every day by myself . " Steve conceded to the reasoning behind the job . I knew he wanted me there all the time . I knew that he wanted me at home when he was off for the winter months , but he was coming to grips with reality . I slowly pulled out my bank book out of my back pocket . He looked at it in my hand . " My Mother gave this to me yesterday when she was here . I went to the bank this morning and verified it . " I handed it to him . He looked up at me as he opened the book , and then looked at the entries , thumbing to the last page . His eyes went wide . " I can 't just sit here . I 'm going to save this for us . I want the money from the job , for the house , school , things like that . " I kissed his forehead again . " Does that make sense ? " " It does . It really does . " Steve put his hands on my hips . " That money is yours , and only yours . I have money saved for us to live on , plus my weekly check , which is in my back pocket . Maybe you could take it to the bank for me on Monday , since you have a way around town . Kevin , you know I love you , don 't you ? I mean really love you . " I smiled and nodded . " I promise , from now on , it will be different between us . I think we need to talk more , like we did at first , remember ? " I nodded , smiling . " I miss that . And I miss you , being with me every hour of the day , like when we were on the mountain . " " You have no idea how much I miss you . " I smiled and kissed him gently . " But , we 're going to miss dinner . Now , would you be a good boy and go take a shower please ? You 're such a dirty brute , you know ? " Steve laughed as he got up . He walked down the hallway and out of sight . I pulled the lamb out , warmed the rolls , drained the potatoes , and grabbed the salad , setting everything on the table . I stripped all my clothes off and was waiting for him as he reemerged from the hall , wearing his hot shorts that I love . He saw me sitting at the table naked , and laughed . Yes , it was going to be a good night after all . We talked about all kinds of things over dinner . I got an answer about the spare rooms , he actually had no plans , and I could do whatever I wanted with them . We talked about the future , what he wanted , what I wanted . We washed the dishes after dinner and he carried me to bed , leaving my clothes in the dining room . We cuddled together in our bed . I was so happy that night , thankful that I had answers to my questions , and slightly relieved that my sore little butt wasn 't going to get pounded , even though I wanted it , but it really needed a break . I fell asleep , wrapped in his arms , resting my head on his chest . I so loved this wonderful man . icevuk2634 Single guy , fertile imagination , love to write , and write all kinds of things . Just changed the email to [ email protected ] I love to hear from you guys . Your criticism , comments , whatever is always appreciated . Have any ideas , let me know as well . Whatever I can do to help out . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * /

Phillip has always been lucky . He 's never been late for work . Never been scolded by the boss . Never been turned down by a client . He has a beautiful and loving wife , three smart and wonderful children , a house in a nice subdivision and a trained dog . Then , when the company offered an early retirement package , Phillip availed of it . After several years , he has a thriving business . Only one of his three children is still in college while the other two already have jobs of their own and Phillip is still as strong as a bull with several more years to enjoy his life . He is simply so lucky . One day , his friend and former co - worker Andres paid Phillip a visit . After a few bottles of beer , Andres asked Phillip about his secret . What made him so lucky . " Your success . Surely , there 's a reason why you 're successful . You always have been lucky . You always do the right thing , you always say the right words , you always talk to the right people , you always make the right choices , you even married the perfect girl . . " " Oh , now , you 're telling me I have to pray a little bit louder , aren 't you ? Because believe me , I pray . Every night . But maybe not as loud as you do , because look at me , bald , a few pounds overweight and still doing the work I hate . . " " I pray for the things I want to happen to my life . I ask the Lord for health and prosperity . I ask the Lord for guidance , to tell me what to do so I could have the life that I want , a good family and a high position in the company . . " " Okay , let me share to you my ' secrets ' . I stay healthy because I don 't have any vices and I get enough sleep . My wife is very kind because I treat her kindly . I never come to work late because I leave the house early . I was never scolded by the boss because I did my job well . I was never turned down by a client because I always do what 's best for them and they know that . Finally , I did what I wanted in my life . I left my job and put up my own . I didn 't know if it was the right time or the right thing at the time , I just knew that it was what I wanted . But the Lord made it right for me . You see , sometimes we 're scared to do something thinking that it might not be the right thing to do and we 'll end up regretting our decision . So , we normally go on with the life we know even if we 're unhappy about it and we believe that 's what the Lord wants us to do , otherwise he 'll change it or it won 't happen at all . But I have so much faith in the Lord and in his love for me . I know he wants me to be happy . So , I do what makes me happy and let the Lord take care of me . . " How would you feel if you 're told that you suck in the very thing that you 've always thought defines you ? It feels like everything you know about yourself is one big lie . You will begin to question your skills , your talents and your knowledge that you 've accumulated though the years . You will start to question whether it is wise to go on or just leave the trail and do something else . And you will feel a heaviness in your heart that makes everything look dark and difficult . Jun * married Liza * after a few years of being sweethearts . They seemed to be all right at first . Jun is a good provider . He is a regular employee and has a stable job . Liza , on the other hand , seems like a fine wife . She is a compulsive housekeeper who keeps the house clean , as in . . really clean . When their first child was born , their problems arose . The baby was always sick and constantly stayed in the hospital . Jun 's salary became inadequate for their needs . The problems piled on top of the other every time another baby was born . Luckily , Jun 's sister , Alice , was kind enough to help them every time they need anything . Despite Jun 's efforts , Liza still feels he is not trying hard enough to make their lives better . She nagged Jun every chance she gets . One day , Jun , anxious to flee from her nagging wife , went to a friend 's house to drink . This angered Liza even more and gave Jun silent treatment . Jun was provoked and started to thrash things about . It was an unpleasant night for everyone including Alice who stays with them and who pays most of the bill . The following day , Alice talked with Liza and tried to reason with her . Alice explained how things will probably get better if Liza and Jun will talk things over and settle whatever problem they had that time . Unexpectedly , Liza snapped at Alice and talked back in a vehement manner , telling her to mind her own business followed by a litany of bitter accusations . Alice was shocked . She didn 't know that her sister - in - law was nursing such grudges . She waited a few days and tried to talk with Liza again , but the latter ignored her . Alice , believing that she did her part already kept both her silence and distance . Three weeks ago , the day before Jun 's birthday , Liza walked out . She took the , now three , kids and left Jun . Rico woke up in an unfamiliar hut . He had a throbbing headache and he couldn 't remember how he got there , where he came from , or even who he really was . All he knew was that he was being kept and taken care of by a nice family , father , mother and little Annie . When he tried to ask him about his whereabouts , they didn 't know anything either . They just call him Rico after their baby boy who died . They just knew that father found him by the shore after a terrible storm . When Rico was strong enough , he started to go about and help with the chores . He enjoyed helping out . And with his smooth palm and soft skin , he knew he wasn 't used to them . He must be someone used to being indoors . Every morning he chops firewood and fetches water from the well . Every night , he walks by the shore hoping to find some clues of his identity . After a few weeks , Rico felt very frustrated . He was in a sour mood he snapped at little Annie . Father told Annie to go to mother and talked with Rico . " I understand how you feel . I know how difficult it is not knowing who you are . If you have a family of your own who loves you and waits for your return , or if you are someone whom everybody hates and wishes dead . " said father . " Just wait . Don 't force yourself to remember anything . Your memories may come back in time , or they may not . Either way , there is nothing for you to do but live and be grateful that you are alive . There must be a reason why you didn 't drown in the storm . . " Rico thanked father . He apologized to Annie and did what father said . He waited . But the memories he was waiting for didn 't come until he finally accepted the possibility that he would never know his past anymore . After all , he was happy with the family he lives with . He is in fine health , he eats well , he sleeps well and he likes his neighbors . He was contented . Then one day , father brought home a newspaper with Rico 's face in front . Rico read the story and found out that he actually was a businessman who was set out to buy a property . According to the news , his yacht was hit by a storm and all the passengers drowned . With shaking hands , Rico held the newspaper tight . His memories flooded his mind . Despite the warning of a storm , he set out to buy an island so he could turn in into a resort . He was supposed to talk with the inhabitants of the island and give them a small amount of money for their land . He wanted them out of the island in a few months . If talking won 't work , then forcing might . Rico , then , remembered how he and his armed bodyguards were thrown overboard . How he managed to hold on to a piece of furniture and how the wave took him ashore . Finally , Rico knew who he was . He wasn 't Rico , he was Daniel , a successful businessman . He has money but had no family and no friend . He cared for no one and no one cared for him . Rico felt sad . Now that he knew who he was , he wasn 't happy about it . But then he remembered what father told him , there must be a reason why he survived . Daniel left , but only to put his business back in order . He came back to the island to buy his own property . He decided to live in the island and to help the islanders . Because of my fluctuating blood pressure which has been going on for a couple of weeks now , I 've been very careful and watchful of my health . I walk around the subdivision every morning . I drink plenty of water . I watch out my food intake , I sleep earlier than usual and I take a break every once in a while so as not to stress myself out . Though I know everything is going to be alright , I can 't help feeling … unproductive . It feels like I 'm wasting my time doing nothing of importance . It feels so demeaning . I know I 'm not supposed to feel this way but even the usual everything happens for a reason quote fails to lighten me up . " Right now , while we 're here eating , ninety - nine percent of the people on this planet are , in their own way , struggling with that very question . WHY ARE WE HERE ? Many think they 've found the answer in religion or in materialism . Others despair and spend their lives and their money trying to grasp the meaning of it all . A few let the question go unanswered and live for the moment , regardless of the results or the consequences . " This might , at first , seem frightening , leaving us terribly vulnerable in our dealings with the world , with the things of the world , and with our own sense of existence . Once we 've got over that initial fear , however , we gradually become accustomed to the only possible solution : to follow our dreams . Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing that we trust in God . " I suddenly felt . . vindicated . I also felt ashamed of being arrogant . Who am I to question the plans of the Great ONE ? Why would I assume that I 'm supposed to do more ? Dick * had been my brother 's friend and band mate for several years . He was a cute guy with charming smile . If I weren 't already married when I paid attention to him , maybe I could have gotten a crush on him just like the other girls . Unlike the other girls , though , I knew Dick 's past . He was a product of a broken family . As the stories went , his mother left them when he was in grade school . Dick 's father , more handsome than Dick could ever be , did not take a new wife . He just stayed single and took care of Dick all by himself . I remember seeing him tagging along with the band when Dick was about nineteen years old . But his first girlfriend left him for a job overseas . His second girlfriend left him for another guy . He broke up with his third girlfriend because she was a drug user . Year after year , Dick has lived with and broke up with different girls , trying and hoping that he would find the one destined for him . Now nearing 40 , Dick lives with his current girlfriend . But unlike when we were younger , I could see how tired Dick 's eyes are . His smile is no longer as charming as it used to be . He may not want to admit it , but he 's already old , and the one and only wish he had in life is still a wish that might or might not come true . . Gina is a regular employee . And just like other regular employees , she is deep in debt , so she has to work harder to pay her bills and send her children to school . Even with both he and her husband working , the bills are just so many they could not afford to take a break from work . Gina 's mother , a woman of more than 80 years , has been wanting to see her daughter and grandchildren for a long time now . For three Christmases , Aling Linda has been calling Gina and asking her to come over but Gina simply couldn 't spare some time . It was such a great inconvenience to her to go home in the province for Christmas only to come back to the city the next day so she could go to work . This Christmas , Aling Linda is again inviting Gina and her family to come and join her for the holidays . Gina was about to say no but there was something in her mother 's voice that made her say yes . Though Gina believed she would regret her decision , she also knew she owes it to her mother for all the other invitations she declined . So , Gina and her family spent Christmas with her mother . The old woman was overwhelmed with joy she broke in tears when she saw her daughter , son - in - law and grandchildren . She served them plenty of food , lavished them with gifts and made Christmas really really special . The children were so happy to be with their grandmother . Even Gina enjoyed herself . But it seems like all the excitement was too much for the old woman . Before Gina and her family was about to leave , Aling Linda was too tired to get up from her bed . So , she called for Gina from her bedroom . When Gina went inside , she found her mother sitting on the bed . The old woman was holding a box in her lap . The box looked big and heavy in her skinny arms . Gina sat down beside her mother . Aling Linda held her daughter 's hand and handed her the box and said . . When they arrived in the city , Gina opened the box and was shocked to find a big amount of money . It was probably her mother 's lifetime savings . With all these money , she could pay her debt and even buy some things she has always wanted to buy for her family . Gina felt so thankful she took out her cell phone and dialed her mother 's number . She was surprised though when her mother 's neighbor answered her call . I seems like her mother had just died a couple of hours ago . The neighbor explained that Aling Linda has been sick for years but didn 't want to tell Gina . It was very fortunate that Gina 's family had the chance to spend Aling Linda 's last Christmas with her . Twenty years had passed . I am now a mother , a wife , a daughter , a sister , an aunt , a teacher , a writer , a friend . But I no longer feel the need to struggle , nor to shout my battle cry because I already won my fight and I already earned my place . I live by how a woman is supposed to live , with PRIDE and POWER . I no longer have to prove my worth , because I already have . I met James * in college . He was a nice and charming guy whom everybody likes . He fell in love with Mia * an equally charming and amiable girl . They were one of the sweetest couples I saw in college . Their love was so evident in every smile , in every squeeze of the hand , every exchanged look between them that I felt hurt when they broke up . Mia seemed to get over the break up easier and faster than James did . After a few weeks , she was back to her old effervescent self while James kept his distance from us for almost a year . But just when I thought Mia was tougher , I found out she was in the verge of self - destruction , but with the help of us , friend , she got over it . She eventually admitted that she took the break up really hard . After several years , I learned that they were back together , not as sweethearts . . but as kissing friends or probably more than that . They looked so good together it was sad to see them holding back . James told me he still loves Mia but he couldn 't bear to be rejected the second time . Mia , on the other hand , also still loves James but wasn 't sure if he loves her still , because if he did , he would have asked her hand in marriage already . Nine years after they broke up , Mia married someone else . James felt so bad over losing Mia the second time , but it probably served him right for not following his heart . He married a girl exactly opposite to Mia . The last time I saw him , he was as handsome as he used to be but apparently unhappy . Tom and Andy had been good friends since they were young . They went to the public elementary schools together and to the only high school in town together . While Tom was smart but a little lazy , Andy was of average intelligence but diligent . When high school graduation came , Tom sadly told Andy that he was not going to college . They just could not afford it . Andy left his friend behind to go to college and take up Civil Engineering . Tom helped his father and worked in the construction . With his natural wit and penchant for building things , Tom became the youngest but best Master Carpenter in town in a few years time . When Andy became a licensed Civil Engineer , he worked with big engineering firms in the city to learn everything he needed to know about building . His patience and diligence paid off . He became a brilliant and respected engineer . Twenty years after their high school graduation , Tom and Andy were called upon by the town 's mayor . They had to work together to put build the new municipal hall in town . Though this wasn 't the biggest and most important project Andy had undertaken , this was surely the closest to his heart . For Tom , however , this wasn 't just a project , it was a legacy . But it proved to be the most difficult project both of them had done . Because the hardest part was for them to work together . It took a significant amount of respect , consideration and tact to accept and reject a friend 's recommendation to come up with the best plan So , the friends worked together . They discussed , they argued , they fought , they made - up . They did everything they could to make a masterpiece they both could be proud of for years to come . After a couple of years , the municipal hall was finally done . Its inauguration was the biggest event the town had ever seen . Though the builders were there to witness the momentous occasion , the proudest of all was the mayor who accepted the congratulations for such a fine hall . After fifty years , the municipal hall still stands . When asked who built it , some people would say it was Tom while some would say it was Andy . But outside the town , the hall was known to be built by the mayor whose term was during the time the building was built . On Saturday , February 16 , St . Stephen 's Academy in Laur , Nueva Ecija held a Grand Alumni Homecoming in celebration of its 50th Anniversary . Among the attendees were from Batch 1967 up to Batch 2013 . It was one successful event and I feel proud to be part of that momentous occasion . Sadly , I was not able to join the motorcade as I was still on my way from Manila when it was held . However , I was able to attend the mass and was among the first to get settled on the table assigned to us , Batch 1991 . A slide show was displayed on the projector and I felt sad and disappointed to learn that our batch did not have any picture on it . If I only knew they were needed , I should have volunteered some old pictures I 've been keeping all these years . Nine years ago , I learned that he has been married for several years but recently got separated from his wife . I didn 't want to pry . I simply asked him why they got separated , a question that I guess was normal between close friends . He was kind of . . vague about it , so I just let it go . I noticed , though , that Albert didn 't want to talk about his wife at all . When asked how and where they met , he wouldn 't give us details . When asked what his wife do for a living , a teacher , a nurse , or a plain housewife , he would change the topic . I felt , then , that there was something Albert didn 't want to let us know , so , whatever he wished . . Later , I learned from another friend that Albert 's wife was a stripper . She was a dancer in a club that Albert used to frequent as a young man . When Albert got her pregnant , he married her , but the marriage turned sour and led to separation . I also learned that Albert has regretted having married a stripper with low moral values , with low academic achievements and unpleasant personality . A few years back , Albert got his boss 's niece pregnant and they are now living together . But no matter how he tries to run away from his past life , it will always catch up to him . With two families to support , Albert has been working himself to death . Well , I guess that 's the least he could do about it . . Every day , Fred comes home tired from working the whole time . After dinner , he would watch the news on television and surf the internet before he goes to bed . On his day off on Sundays , Fred watches movies the entire day or surfs the internet in between . Sometimes , Bert would invite him to go fishing at the nearby lake , but Fred was always busy . Then Fred had a mild stroke . Though it wasn 't a bad one , he still needed to rest and stay at home . So , he watched more movies and surfed the internet even more . One day , Bert came over to Fred 's house and invited him to go fishing and watch the sun set on weekend . Fred thought for a moment and said that it was probably a good idea . When weekend came , however , Fred 's car broke down and he had to fix it . So , he told Bert to go ahead and that he would just follow him at the lake . Knowing how stubborn his friend could be , Bert went ahead . Fred spent the entire time fixing the car . It was after lunch time when he finished . Then , he remembered to check his email . He found some unread messages in his inbox , so , he took time to read and answer them . He was about to leave the house to follow Bert at the lake when Bert met him at the gate . He had with him a big fish and a bigger smile on his face . Bert said . . Regretfully , Fred promised to go with Bert next weekend . Unfortunately , it rained the next weekend , and the next , and the next after that . On the fourth weekend , Fred had another stroke . This time it was so bad that it left Fred paralyzed . From then on , Fred had to stay in his room the whole time . He finally realized that he had the time to watch the sunset . So , one afternoon he had his window opened only to find out that the setting sun was blocked by a building across his house . When Bert came to visit one time , Fred mentioned about the blocked sunset and Bert answered . . " That 's why I had to go to the lake when I want to see the sunset . You see , when you want to see or experience something nice and beautiful , you have to take some time and find some ways . Just like the sunset , there are things that can only be seen and experienced by those who are willing to make little sacrifices for such a priceless sight . . " The moment I entered the organization , I lost my chance for a college scholarship not because I was disqualified but because I discovered that education wasn 't entirely done inside the classroom . I learned more from the streets and from watching people than I did sitting inside the classroom and listening to the teachers . I learned about various theories of psychology in school , but I learned about friendship , loyalty , sacrifices , hunger , pain and suffering outside . I learned about heroes inside the classroom , but I saw friends who gave up their future for what they believed in . Mr . and Mrs . Rivas * were among the most distinguished couples in our town . Mrs . Rivas was a teacher in public school and Mr . Rivas farmed a big piece of land . When I was young , I used to see them go to church together with their children , one of which happened to be my classmate . As a young girl , I used to regard them as a happy and ideal couple and I thought how lucky their children were . After a few decades , I , myself , grew old . In one of my visits to my hometown , I saw their house . It looked just like the way it was , imposing . Then I asked my childhood friends about the family . I learned that Mr . Rivas had another , younger , woman and is now living with her in the western part of the town , about several blocks from their old house . Mrs . Rivas , presumably too ashamed of being left by her husband , left town and went home to her family in another province . Their children , including my classmate , are working abroad . When I heard the story , I suddenly imagined the big house . I can still remember how often I went there to party with my friends and classmates . There was this big soft couch and gleaming wooden dining table . I can still remember wrapping colored papers around bulbs to give the place a dim look , perfect for partying kids . There was one family who lived in a small house . Despite their poverty , all of them were healthy . They woke up early in the morning , father to work in the farm , mother to do the chores at home and the children to go to school . They gathered firewood to cook food . They grew vegetables in the backyard and keep a couple of goats for milk and a few chicken for eggs . They got clean water from the well but wash their clothes in the river . The children walked a mile from home to school . They only have rice and vegetables to eat and water to drink . They went to sleep early to save electricity and for lack of anything to do . They bought a big house and a couple of vehicles . They hired a cook , a cleaning lady and a laundress . They also bought television sets and DVD players . They bought laptops , iPods , tablets , PSPs and numerous cell phones of various models . They bought all the things they had always wished to buy . Their refrigerator was filled with various food , most of them unhealthful and their entertainment center was stacked with numerous DVDs for them to watch . Then father and mother started getting up late in the morning because they watched movies until midnight while the children chatted online and watched on you tube past their usual bedtime . Father no longer went to work in the farm , nor chop firewood and fetch water from the well . Mother no longer grew vegetables nor kept animal farms . The children no longer walk to school . They were driven everyday . After a while they started to get fat for sitting too much and eating too much . They started to get weak for lack of sunshine and physical activities . They became impatient for being used to being served . They became the opposite of what they were . Then , father got sick and was taken to the hospital . He stayed there for a long time . He underwent a major operation and had to stay there for even longer . All their money were spent so he could get well . The big house was sold and so were the contents . Why are most women bothered with the ex - girlfriend ? It seems like there is always something wrong with the ex . Here is a list of things that I find unnatural about women in relation with ex 's . I am an ex , too . Needless to say , I tend to watch my back when I get near the present girlfriend / lover of my ex - boyfriend . Do I feel the way I describe above about ex 's ? Well . . Not much . I don 't mind meeting the ex , but I don 't mind not meeting her either . If we 're given the chance to be friends , which I actually had , then I 'd take that chance . I only hate the ex if she did things that really really hurt my guy . But I do believe that I have no right to hate anyone , ex 's friends or not , or the ex herself , without any justifiable reason . Reena * has been my friend since high school . She is the epitome of a proper girl . Unlike some of us who party around , fool around and flirt around , Reena was beautiful , smart but meek creature who didn 't swear nor say something , anything , bad about anybody . We haven 't seen each other for more than ten years . When we met again , I was glad to learn that she already had a family just like I do . I noticed , however , that she wasn 't as glad as I was about the fact . After a few minutes of asking about each other , I heard the story . She married her long - time boyfriend whom she had a long distance relationship with . They had two beautiful kids . Shortly after their wedding , Reena realized how jealous and insecure her husband was . He got jealous about anyone , their neighbor , Reena 's former friends , her co - workers , and even Reena 's boss . Reena tried to understand how her husband felt , so she tried to do everything she could not to provoke his jealousy . But one day , her husband came to her workplace and made a scene . He accused Reena 's boss of having an affair with his wife . As if that wasn 't enough , her husband went to Reena 's hometown and told her parents about her infidelity . The accusation was painful , but what was more painful for Reena was when her parents believed her husband . How could they believe that the good and proper daughter that they , themselves , raised would manage to do such a thing ? Fortunately , Reena 's boss didn 't mind ( much ) what her husband did . After warning her about her husband 's misbehavior , he acted as if nothing happened . Reena 's parents were another matter . It took her two years before she could finally bear to see them . . : ( Joseph was , what some kinder people may call , a late bloomer . But people his age callously called him slow . He had trouble with spelling , reading and mathematics . He had a hard time remembering details . When asked of his opinion about something , Joseph could give none . As far as he was concerned he was not causing anybody any trouble . So , Joseph had been the laughingstock in town . The only person who thought differently was , naturally , his mother . She loved Joseph unconditionally and she thought he was special . He may not be smart but he had a kind and loving heart . He was good with animals and plants . His pets were well cared for and his garden was thriving . When Joseph graduated from high school , his mother knew it wasn 't wise to send him to college . So , she just bought some hogs and fowls for Joseph to tend to . Joseph bid his friends goodbye . Though he was sad to see them go , he was happy for them . If only he were as smart as they are , maybe he would go to college , too . Years passed and things had changed . Some of Joseph 's friends graduated from college . Some of them didn 't . Some went to work abroad . Some came home and got married . As a mother I 've always been overprotective . That 's one of the reasons why I prefer not to have several kids . Though being overprotective is understandable , it might bring more harm than good to your child . Trying to help your kid out of a mess might affect the development of his or her self esteem . So , instead of making your kid , you are breaking him . After the successful arthroscopic surgery done on my daughter 's knee on September 2012 , she was able to see the entire first semester through . Then the second semester has begun , the problem she was facing was her fourth and last Physical Education subject . Though the university Orthopedic surgeon issued a medical certificate indicating that she was not yet ready for rough physical activities , it was up to my daughter to convince her PE instructor to give her one more month to complete her therapy before she can participate in class , which happens to be volleyball . I wish I could help her out on this , but I think it would not do her good . It is something she has to do by herself . I think it 's time she fight her own battle and win it on her own . One of my favorite neighbors was Mandy * . She was a bubbly girl my age , very pretty and surprisingly nice . Just like me , she was just a bed spacer . We hung out a lot at first . I even taught her how to play the guitar . We were having so much fun until we met Jack * . Jack was a ruggedly handsome guy about two years our senior . He was your ordinary pretty boy who thinks everybody is head - over - heels in love with him . I trusted Mandy 's judgment but I perfectly understood if she was swept off her feet by Jack 's . . flatteries . After a months , we were surprised and somehow glad to learn that they were still together . Well , maybe we were wrong about Jack after all . Then one day , Mandy talked to me and told she wanted to break up with Jack . She said that her boyfriend was extremely jealous and possessive . In fact , he was actually asking her to run away with him . At 17 , Mandy wasn 't ready for that . That night , I woke up by the noise outside . It seems like Jack was running amok . He couldn 't find Mandy anywhere . He was drunk and had with him a double - bladed dagger . I stayed in my bed and nearly screamed when I saw Mandy beside the drawer at the foot of the bed . She was hiding in my room . I found out that Jack was forcing her to go with him to the province . She slipped away when she had a chance . The neighbors were helping her hide from one house to another . That night , Jack was picked up by the local authorities . The following day , Mandy 's parents came to get her . I didn 't see her after that . The Waitress , The Customer and the Tip Juliet is a waitress in a fine restaurant . She has been working there for more than a year now and somehow , she likes her work . It is better than most of what she has done already . And though her salary is small compared with the big load of work , the tip is something she looks forward to . Just like other restaurants , Juliet 's workplace is busy during the weekends . It is a favorite of those who go out for the family day . Unlike some of her co - workers , Juliet loves weekends . Weekends mean more diners and more diners mean more tip . One Sunday , the restaurant is unusually full . And as is natural to a place full of people , tempers are high and heads are hot and Juliet , as a mere worker , is one of the victims of flaring tempers and smoking ears . But Juliet took everything with her usual coolness and level head . Her focus was on the work at hand . She disregarded unpleasant comments from both superiors and customers . She took and served orders , cleaned tables , made diners comfortable and apologized for mistakes she did not commit but blamed on her anyway . She did not mind the aches in her legs and hips . She took no notice of the pain in her back . All she thought about was the tip she would receive that would be an addition to the money she was saving so she could enroll next semester . But even the thought of the tip could not take away the fatigue that was beginning to overpower Juliet . Her head was starting to spin , her legs were getting wobbly and her eyes were getting blurry . She was taking a tray with a bowl of soup to an old woman when her legs gave in and she fell on the floor . The hot soup spilled all over her while the tray fell on the head of the diner on the table next to the old woman 's . Before she could even stand up , the restaurant manager materialized beside her and berated her for being so careless . The customer stood up and gave the manager a piece of her mind for the incompetent waitress . The manager apologized to the customer and went back to scolding Juliet . Juliet could not move . The entire restaurant seems to be closing in on her and she felt like she was being swallowed whole . Then , she heard a kind but firm voice . . " Hey , you ! Can 't you see that this child is hurt ? She fell on the floor and my soup is all over her . Go get a first aid kit . . " " And you . . you knew this child didn 't mean it . And it was just a plastic tray , that couldn 't hurt that bad . So , stop your nagging , it doesn 't help anyone … " The old woman began to wipe the soup from Juliet 's arms and hands . She got the glass of water from the table and offered it to the waitress . Then , she took the unopened burger and put it on Juliet 's hand and spoke . . " I don 't have any money for the tip . But here is my burger , eat it . You look hungry and tired you , need some rest . . " Juliet looked at the old woman 's kind eyes . She saw sincere compassion she had never seen in any customer before . She took the burger and thanked the old woman for the biggest tip she had ever received in the restaurant , a burger wrapped in kindness . I am a voracious reader and though I prefer HISTORICAL FICTION , SCIENCE FICTION and FANTASY , I also enjoy memoirs , YA fiction and a little romance . I love reading and I encourage other people to read , too , so I write book reviews BUT only of those I genuinely enjoy . Not only do I feature BOOK REVIEWS , but I also promote them on TWITTER and write comments on AMAZON and GOODREADS . You can contact me on twitter @ kimmyschemy06 or email me at kimmyschemy06 @ gmail . com for book review requests . View my complete profile

Phillip has always been lucky . He 's never been late for work . Never been scolded by the boss . Never been turned down by a client . He has a beautiful and loving wife , three smart and wonderful children , a house in a nice subdivision and a trained dog . Then , when the company offered an early retirement package , Phillip availed of it . After several years , he has a thriving business . Only one of his three children is still in college while the other two already have jobs of their own and Phillip is still as strong as a bull with several more years to enjoy his life . He is simply so lucky . One day , his friend and former co - worker Andres paid Phillip a visit . After a few bottles of beer , Andres asked Phillip about his secret . What made him so lucky . " Your success . Surely , there 's a reason why you 're successful . You always have been lucky . You always do the right thing , you always say the right words , you always talk to the right people , you always make the right choices , you even married the perfect girl . . " " Oh , now , you 're telling me I have to pray a little bit louder , aren 't you ? Because believe me , I pray . Every night . But maybe not as loud as you do , because look at me , bald , a few pounds overweight and still doing the work I hate . . " " I pray for the things I want to happen to my life . I ask the Lord for health and prosperity . I ask the Lord for guidance , to tell me what to do so I could have the life that I want , a good family and a high position in the company . . " " Okay , let me share to you my ' secrets ' . I stay healthy because I don 't have any vices and I get enough sleep . My wife is very kind because I treat her kindly . I never come to work late because I leave the house early . I was never scolded by the boss because I did my job well . I was never turned down by a client because I always do what 's best for them and they know that . Finally , I did what I wanted in my life . I left my job and put up my own . I didn 't know if it was the right time or the right thing at the time , I just knew that it was what I wanted . But the Lord made it right for me . You see , sometimes we 're scared to do something thinking that it might not be the right thing to do and we 'll end up regretting our decision . So , we normally go on with the life we know even if we 're unhappy about it and we believe that 's what the Lord wants us to do , otherwise he 'll change it or it won 't happen at all . But I have so much faith in the Lord and in his love for me . I know he wants me to be happy . So , I do what makes me happy and let the Lord take care of me . . " How would you feel if you 're told that you suck in the very thing that you 've always thought defines you ? It feels like everything you know about yourself is one big lie . You will begin to question your skills , your talents and your knowledge that you 've accumulated though the years . You will start to question whether it is wise to go on or just leave the trail and do something else . And you will feel a heaviness in your heart that makes everything look dark and difficult . Jun * married Liza * after a few years of being sweethearts . They seemed to be all right at first . Jun is a good provider . He is a regular employee and has a stable job . Liza , on the other hand , seems like a fine wife . She is a compulsive housekeeper who keeps the house clean , as in . . really clean . When their first child was born , their problems arose . The baby was always sick and constantly stayed in the hospital . Jun 's salary became inadequate for their needs . The problems piled on top of the other every time another baby was born . Luckily , Jun 's sister , Alice , was kind enough to help them every time they need anything . Despite Jun 's efforts , Liza still feels he is not trying hard enough to make their lives better . She nagged Jun every chance she gets . One day , Jun , anxious to flee from her nagging wife , went to a friend 's house to drink . This angered Liza even more and gave Jun silent treatment . Jun was provoked and started to thrash things about . It was an unpleasant night for everyone including Alice who stays with them and who pays most of the bill . The following day , Alice talked with Liza and tried to reason with her . Alice explained how things will probably get better if Liza and Jun will talk things over and settle whatever problem they had that time . Unexpectedly , Liza snapped at Alice and talked back in a vehement manner , telling her to mind her own business followed by a litany of bitter accusations . Alice was shocked . She didn 't know that her sister - in - law was nursing such grudges . She waited a few days and tried to talk with Liza again , but the latter ignored her . Alice , believing that she did her part already kept both her silence and distance . Three weeks ago , the day before Jun 's birthday , Liza walked out . She took the , now three , kids and left Jun . Rico woke up in an unfamiliar hut . He had a throbbing headache and he couldn 't remember how he got there , where he came from , or even who he really was . All he knew was that he was being kept and taken care of by a nice family , father , mother and little Annie . When he tried to ask him about his whereabouts , they didn 't know anything either . They just call him Rico after their baby boy who died . They just knew that father found him by the shore after a terrible storm . When Rico was strong enough , he started to go about and help with the chores . He enjoyed helping out . And with his smooth palm and soft skin , he knew he wasn 't used to them . He must be someone used to being indoors . Every morning he chops firewood and fetches water from the well . Every night , he walks by the shore hoping to find some clues of his identity . After a few weeks , Rico felt very frustrated . He was in a sour mood he snapped at little Annie . Father told Annie to go to mother and talked with Rico . " I understand how you feel . I know how difficult it is not knowing who you are . If you have a family of your own who loves you and waits for your return , or if you are someone whom everybody hates and wishes dead . " said father . " Just wait . Don 't force yourself to remember anything . Your memories may come back in time , or they may not . Either way , there is nothing for you to do but live and be grateful that you are alive . There must be a reason why you didn 't drown in the storm . . " Rico thanked father . He apologized to Annie and did what father said . He waited . But the memories he was waiting for didn 't come until he finally accepted the possibility that he would never know his past anymore . After all , he was happy with the family he lives with . He is in fine health , he eats well , he sleeps well and he likes his neighbors . He was contented . Then one day , father brought home a newspaper with Rico 's face in front . Rico read the story and found out that he actually was a businessman who was set out to buy a property . According to the news , his yacht was hit by a storm and all the passengers drowned . With shaking hands , Rico held the newspaper tight . His memories flooded his mind . Despite the warning of a storm , he set out to buy an island so he could turn in into a resort . He was supposed to talk with the inhabitants of the island and give them a small amount of money for their land . He wanted them out of the island in a few months . If talking won 't work , then forcing might . Rico , then , remembered how he and his armed bodyguards were thrown overboard . How he managed to hold on to a piece of furniture and how the wave took him ashore . Finally , Rico knew who he was . He wasn 't Rico , he was Daniel , a successful businessman . He has money but had no family and no friend . He cared for no one and no one cared for him . Rico felt sad . Now that he knew who he was , he wasn 't happy about it . But then he remembered what father told him , there must be a reason why he survived . Daniel left , but only to put his business back in order . He came back to the island to buy his own property . He decided to live in the island and to help the islanders . Because of my fluctuating blood pressure which has been going on for a couple of weeks now , I 've been very careful and watchful of my health . I walk around the subdivision every morning . I drink plenty of water . I watch out my food intake , I sleep earlier than usual and I take a break every once in a while so as not to stress myself out . Though I know everything is going to be alright , I can 't help feeling … unproductive . It feels like I 'm wasting my time doing nothing of importance . It feels so demeaning . I know I 'm not supposed to feel this way but even the usual everything happens for a reason quote fails to lighten me up . " Right now , while we 're here eating , ninety - nine percent of the people on this planet are , in their own way , struggling with that very question . WHY ARE WE HERE ? Many think they 've found the answer in religion or in materialism . Others despair and spend their lives and their money trying to grasp the meaning of it all . A few let the question go unanswered and live for the moment , regardless of the results or the consequences . " This might , at first , seem frightening , leaving us terribly vulnerable in our dealings with the world , with the things of the world , and with our own sense of existence . Once we 've got over that initial fear , however , we gradually become accustomed to the only possible solution : to follow our dreams . Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing that we trust in God . " I suddenly felt . . vindicated . I also felt ashamed of being arrogant . Who am I to question the plans of the Great ONE ? Why would I assume that I 'm supposed to do more ? Dick * had been my brother 's friend and band mate for several years . He was a cute guy with charming smile . If I weren 't already married when I paid attention to him , maybe I could have gotten a crush on him just like the other girls . Unlike the other girls , though , I knew Dick 's past . He was a product of a broken family . As the stories went , his mother left them when he was in grade school . Dick 's father , more handsome than Dick could ever be , did not take a new wife . He just stayed single and took care of Dick all by himself . I remember seeing him tagging along with the band when Dick was about nineteen years old . But his first girlfriend left him for a job overseas . His second girlfriend left him for another guy . He broke up with his third girlfriend because she was a drug user . Year after year , Dick has lived with and broke up with different girls , trying and hoping that he would find the one destined for him . Now nearing 40 , Dick lives with his current girlfriend . But unlike when we were younger , I could see how tired Dick 's eyes are . His smile is no longer as charming as it used to be . He may not want to admit it , but he 's already old , and the one and only wish he had in life is still a wish that might or might not come true . . Gina is a regular employee . And just like other regular employees , she is deep in debt , so she has to work harder to pay her bills and send her children to school . Even with both he and her husband working , the bills are just so many they could not afford to take a break from work . Gina 's mother , a woman of more than 80 years , has been wanting to see her daughter and grandchildren for a long time now . For three Christmases , Aling Linda has been calling Gina and asking her to come over but Gina simply couldn 't spare some time . It was such a great inconvenience to her to go home in the province for Christmas only to come back to the city the next day so she could go to work . This Christmas , Aling Linda is again inviting Gina and her family to come and join her for the holidays . Gina was about to say no but there was something in her mother 's voice that made her say yes . Though Gina believed she would regret her decision , she also knew she owes it to her mother for all the other invitations she declined . So , Gina and her family spent Christmas with her mother . The old woman was overwhelmed with joy she broke in tears when she saw her daughter , son - in - law and grandchildren . She served them plenty of food , lavished them with gifts and made Christmas really really special . The children were so happy to be with their grandmother . Even Gina enjoyed herself . But it seems like all the excitement was too much for the old woman . Before Gina and her family was about to leave , Aling Linda was too tired to get up from her bed . So , she called for Gina from her bedroom . When Gina went inside , she found her mother sitting on the bed . The old woman was holding a box in her lap . The box looked big and heavy in her skinny arms . Gina sat down beside her mother . Aling Linda held her daughter 's hand and handed her the box and said . . When they arrived in the city , Gina opened the box and was shocked to find a big amount of money . It was probably her mother 's lifetime savings . With all these money , she could pay her debt and even buy some things she has always wanted to buy for her family . Gina felt so thankful she took out her cell phone and dialed her mother 's number . She was surprised though when her mother 's neighbor answered her call . I seems like her mother had just died a couple of hours ago . The neighbor explained that Aling Linda has been sick for years but didn 't want to tell Gina . It was very fortunate that Gina 's family had the chance to spend Aling Linda 's last Christmas with her . Twenty years had passed . I am now a mother , a wife , a daughter , a sister , an aunt , a teacher , a writer , a friend . But I no longer feel the need to struggle , nor to shout my battle cry because I already won my fight and I already earned my place . I live by how a woman is supposed to live , with PRIDE and POWER . I no longer have to prove my worth , because I already have . I met James * in college . He was a nice and charming guy whom everybody likes . He fell in love with Mia * an equally charming and amiable girl . They were one of the sweetest couples I saw in college . Their love was so evident in every smile , in every squeeze of the hand , every exchanged look between them that I felt hurt when they broke up . Mia seemed to get over the break up easier and faster than James did . After a few weeks , she was back to her old effervescent self while James kept his distance from us for almost a year . But just when I thought Mia was tougher , I found out she was in the verge of self - destruction , but with the help of us , friend , she got over it . She eventually admitted that she took the break up really hard . After several years , I learned that they were back together , not as sweethearts . . but as kissing friends or probably more than that . They looked so good together it was sad to see them holding back . James told me he still loves Mia but he couldn 't bear to be rejected the second time . Mia , on the other hand , also still loves James but wasn 't sure if he loves her still , because if he did , he would have asked her hand in marriage already . Nine years after they broke up , Mia married someone else . James felt so bad over losing Mia the second time , but it probably served him right for not following his heart . He married a girl exactly opposite to Mia . The last time I saw him , he was as handsome as he used to be but apparently unhappy . Tom and Andy had been good friends since they were young . They went to the public elementary schools together and to the only high school in town together . While Tom was smart but a little lazy , Andy was of average intelligence but diligent . When high school graduation came , Tom sadly told Andy that he was not going to college . They just could not afford it . Andy left his friend behind to go to college and take up Civil Engineering . Tom helped his father and worked in the construction . With his natural wit and penchant for building things , Tom became the youngest but best Master Carpenter in town in a few years time . When Andy became a licensed Civil Engineer , he worked with big engineering firms in the city to learn everything he needed to know about building . His patience and diligence paid off . He became a brilliant and respected engineer . Twenty years after their high school graduation , Tom and Andy were called upon by the town 's mayor . They had to work together to put build the new municipal hall in town . Though this wasn 't the biggest and most important project Andy had undertaken , this was surely the closest to his heart . For Tom , however , this wasn 't just a project , it was a legacy . But it proved to be the most difficult project both of them had done . Because the hardest part was for them to work together . It took a significant amount of respect , consideration and tact to accept and reject a friend 's recommendation to come up with the best plan So , the friends worked together . They discussed , they argued , they fought , they made - up . They did everything they could to make a masterpiece they both could be proud of for years to come . After a couple of years , the municipal hall was finally done . Its inauguration was the biggest event the town had ever seen . Though the builders were there to witness the momentous occasion , the proudest of all was the mayor who accepted the congratulations for such a fine hall . After fifty years , the municipal hall still stands . When asked who built it , some people would say it was Tom while some would say it was Andy . But outside the town , the hall was known to be built by the mayor whose term was during the time the building was built . On Saturday , February 16 , St . Stephen 's Academy in Laur , Nueva Ecija held a Grand Alumni Homecoming in celebration of its 50th Anniversary . Among the attendees were from Batch 1967 up to Batch 2013 . It was one successful event and I feel proud to be part of that momentous occasion . Sadly , I was not able to join the motorcade as I was still on my way from Manila when it was held . However , I was able to attend the mass and was among the first to get settled on the table assigned to us , Batch 1991 . A slide show was displayed on the projector and I felt sad and disappointed to learn that our batch did not have any picture on it . If I only knew they were needed , I should have volunteered some old pictures I 've been keeping all these years . Nine years ago , I learned that he has been married for several years but recently got separated from his wife . I didn 't want to pry . I simply asked him why they got separated , a question that I guess was normal between close friends . He was kind of . . vague about it , so I just let it go . I noticed , though , that Albert didn 't want to talk about his wife at all . When asked how and where they met , he wouldn 't give us details . When asked what his wife do for a living , a teacher , a nurse , or a plain housewife , he would change the topic . I felt , then , that there was something Albert didn 't want to let us know , so , whatever he wished . . Later , I learned from another friend that Albert 's wife was a stripper . She was a dancer in a club that Albert used to frequent as a young man . When Albert got her pregnant , he married her , but the marriage turned sour and led to separation . I also learned that Albert has regretted having married a stripper with low moral values , with low academic achievements and unpleasant personality . A few years back , Albert got his boss 's niece pregnant and they are now living together . But no matter how he tries to run away from his past life , it will always catch up to him . With two families to support , Albert has been working himself to death . Well , I guess that 's the least he could do about it . . Every day , Fred comes home tired from working the whole time . After dinner , he would watch the news on television and surf the internet before he goes to bed . On his day off on Sundays , Fred watches movies the entire day or surfs the internet in between . Sometimes , Bert would invite him to go fishing at the nearby lake , but Fred was always busy . Then Fred had a mild stroke . Though it wasn 't a bad one , he still needed to rest and stay at home . So , he watched more movies and surfed the internet even more . One day , Bert came over to Fred 's house and invited him to go fishing and watch the sun set on weekend . Fred thought for a moment and said that it was probably a good idea . When weekend came , however , Fred 's car broke down and he had to fix it . So , he told Bert to go ahead and that he would just follow him at the lake . Knowing how stubborn his friend could be , Bert went ahead . Fred spent the entire time fixing the car . It was after lunch time when he finished . Then , he remembered to check his email . He found some unread messages in his inbox , so , he took time to read and answer them . He was about to leave the house to follow Bert at the lake when Bert met him at the gate . He had with him a big fish and a bigger smile on his face . Bert said . . Regretfully , Fred promised to go with Bert next weekend . Unfortunately , it rained the next weekend , and the next , and the next after that . On the fourth weekend , Fred had another stroke . This time it was so bad that it left Fred paralyzed . From then on , Fred had to stay in his room the whole time . He finally realized that he had the time to watch the sunset . So , one afternoon he had his window opened only to find out that the setting sun was blocked by a building across his house . When Bert came to visit one time , Fred mentioned about the blocked sunset and Bert answered . . " That 's why I had to go to the lake when I want to see the sunset . You see , when you want to see or experience something nice and beautiful , you have to take some time and find some ways . Just like the sunset , there are things that can only be seen and experienced by those who are willing to make little sacrifices for such a priceless sight . . " The moment I entered the organization , I lost my chance for a college scholarship not because I was disqualified but because I discovered that education wasn 't entirely done inside the classroom . I learned more from the streets and from watching people than I did sitting inside the classroom and listening to the teachers . I learned about various theories of psychology in school , but I learned about friendship , loyalty , sacrifices , hunger , pain and suffering outside . I learned about heroes inside the classroom , but I saw friends who gave up their future for what they believed in . Mr . and Mrs . Rivas * were among the most distinguished couples in our town . Mrs . Rivas was a teacher in public school and Mr . Rivas farmed a big piece of land . When I was young , I used to see them go to church together with their children , one of which happened to be my classmate . As a young girl , I used to regard them as a happy and ideal couple and I thought how lucky their children were . After a few decades , I , myself , grew old . In one of my visits to my hometown , I saw their house . It looked just like the way it was , imposing . Then I asked my childhood friends about the family . I learned that Mr . Rivas had another , younger , woman and is now living with her in the western part of the town , about several blocks from their old house . Mrs . Rivas , presumably too ashamed of being left by her husband , left town and went home to her family in another province . Their children , including my classmate , are working abroad . When I heard the story , I suddenly imagined the big house . I can still remember how often I went there to party with my friends and classmates . There was this big soft couch and gleaming wooden dining table . I can still remember wrapping colored papers around bulbs to give the place a dim look , perfect for partying kids . There was one family who lived in a small house . Despite their poverty , all of them were healthy . They woke up early in the morning , father to work in the farm , mother to do the chores at home and the children to go to school . They gathered firewood to cook food . They grew vegetables in the backyard and keep a couple of goats for milk and a few chicken for eggs . They got clean water from the well but wash their clothes in the river . The children walked a mile from home to school . They only have rice and vegetables to eat and water to drink . They went to sleep early to save electricity and for lack of anything to do . They bought a big house and a couple of vehicles . They hired a cook , a cleaning lady and a laundress . They also bought television sets and DVD players . They bought laptops , iPods , tablets , PSPs and numerous cell phones of various models . They bought all the things they had always wished to buy . Their refrigerator was filled with various food , most of them unhealthful and their entertainment center was stacked with numerous DVDs for them to watch . Then father and mother started getting up late in the morning because they watched movies until midnight while the children chatted online and watched on you tube past their usual bedtime . Father no longer went to work in the farm , nor chop firewood and fetch water from the well . Mother no longer grew vegetables nor kept animal farms . The children no longer walk to school . They were driven everyday . After a while they started to get fat for sitting too much and eating too much . They started to get weak for lack of sunshine and physical activities . They became impatient for being used to being served . They became the opposite of what they were . Then , father got sick and was taken to the hospital . He stayed there for a long time . He underwent a major operation and had to stay there for even longer . All their money were spent so he could get well . The big house was sold and so were the contents . Why are most women bothered with the ex - girlfriend ? It seems like there is always something wrong with the ex . Here is a list of things that I find unnatural about women in relation with ex 's . I am an ex , too . Needless to say , I tend to watch my back when I get near the present girlfriend / lover of my ex - boyfriend . Do I feel the way I describe above about ex 's ? Well . . Not much . I don 't mind meeting the ex , but I don 't mind not meeting her either . If we 're given the chance to be friends , which I actually had , then I 'd take that chance . I only hate the ex if she did things that really really hurt my guy . But I do believe that I have no right to hate anyone , ex 's friends or not , or the ex herself , without any justifiable reason . Reena * has been my friend since high school . She is the epitome of a proper girl . Unlike some of us who party around , fool around and flirt around , Reena was beautiful , smart but meek creature who didn 't swear nor say something , anything , bad about anybody . We haven 't seen each other for more than ten years . When we met again , I was glad to learn that she already had a family just like I do . I noticed , however , that she wasn 't as glad as I was about the fact . After a few minutes of asking about each other , I heard the story . She married her long - time boyfriend whom she had a long distance relationship with . They had two beautiful kids . Shortly after their wedding , Reena realized how jealous and insecure her husband was . He got jealous about anyone , their neighbor , Reena 's former friends , her co - workers , and even Reena 's boss . Reena tried to understand how her husband felt , so she tried to do everything she could not to provoke his jealousy . But one day , her husband came to her workplace and made a scene . He accused Reena 's boss of having an affair with his wife . As if that wasn 't enough , her husband went to Reena 's hometown and told her parents about her infidelity . The accusation was painful , but what was more painful for Reena was when her parents believed her husband . How could they believe that the good and proper daughter that they , themselves , raised would manage to do such a thing ? Fortunately , Reena 's boss didn 't mind ( much ) what her husband did . After warning her about her husband 's misbehavior , he acted as if nothing happened . Reena 's parents were another matter . It took her two years before she could finally bear to see them . . : ( Joseph was , what some kinder people may call , a late bloomer . But people his age callously called him slow . He had trouble with spelling , reading and mathematics . He had a hard time remembering details . When asked of his opinion about something , Joseph could give none . As far as he was concerned he was not causing anybody any trouble . So , Joseph had been the laughingstock in town . The only person who thought differently was , naturally , his mother . She loved Joseph unconditionally and she thought he was special . He may not be smart but he had a kind and loving heart . He was good with animals and plants . His pets were well cared for and his garden was thriving . When Joseph graduated from high school , his mother knew it wasn 't wise to send him to college . So , she just bought some hogs and fowls for Joseph to tend to . Joseph bid his friends goodbye . Though he was sad to see them go , he was happy for them . If only he were as smart as they are , maybe he would go to college , too . Years passed and things had changed . Some of Joseph 's friends graduated from college . Some of them didn 't . Some went to work abroad . Some came home and got married . As a mother I 've always been overprotective . That 's one of the reasons why I prefer not to have several kids . Though being overprotective is understandable , it might bring more harm than good to your child . Trying to help your kid out of a mess might affect the development of his or her self esteem . So , instead of making your kid , you are breaking him . After the successful arthroscopic surgery done on my daughter 's knee on September 2012 , she was able to see the entire first semester through . Then the second semester has begun , the problem she was facing was her fourth and last Physical Education subject . Though the university Orthopedic surgeon issued a medical certificate indicating that she was not yet ready for rough physical activities , it was up to my daughter to convince her PE instructor to give her one more month to complete her therapy before she can participate in class , which happens to be volleyball . I wish I could help her out on this , but I think it would not do her good . It is something she has to do by herself . I think it 's time she fight her own battle and win it on her own . One of my favorite neighbors was Mandy * . She was a bubbly girl my age , very pretty and surprisingly nice . Just like me , she was just a bed spacer . We hung out a lot at first . I even taught her how to play the guitar . We were having so much fun until we met Jack * . Jack was a ruggedly handsome guy about two years our senior . He was your ordinary pretty boy who thinks everybody is head - over - heels in love with him . I trusted Mandy 's judgment but I perfectly understood if she was swept off her feet by Jack 's . . flatteries . After a months , we were surprised and somehow glad to learn that they were still together . Well , maybe we were wrong about Jack after all . Then one day , Mandy talked to me and told she wanted to break up with Jack . She said that her boyfriend was extremely jealous and possessive . In fact , he was actually asking her to run away with him . At 17 , Mandy wasn 't ready for that . That night , I woke up by the noise outside . It seems like Jack was running amok . He couldn 't find Mandy anywhere . He was drunk and had with him a double - bladed dagger . I stayed in my bed and nearly screamed when I saw Mandy beside the drawer at the foot of the bed . She was hiding in my room . I found out that Jack was forcing her to go with him to the province . She slipped away when she had a chance . The neighbors were helping her hide from one house to another . That night , Jack was picked up by the local authorities . The following day , Mandy 's parents came to get her . I didn 't see her after that . The Waitress , The Customer and the Tip Juliet is a waitress in a fine restaurant . She has been working there for more than a year now and somehow , she likes her work . It is better than most of what she has done already . And though her salary is small compared with the big load of work , the tip is something she looks forward to . Just like other restaurants , Juliet 's workplace is busy during the weekends . It is a favorite of those who go out for the family day . Unlike some of her co - workers , Juliet loves weekends . Weekends mean more diners and more diners mean more tip . One Sunday , the restaurant is unusually full . And as is natural to a place full of people , tempers are high and heads are hot and Juliet , as a mere worker , is one of the victims of flaring tempers and smoking ears . But Juliet took everything with her usual coolness and level head . Her focus was on the work at hand . She disregarded unpleasant comments from both superiors and customers . She took and served orders , cleaned tables , made diners comfortable and apologized for mistakes she did not commit but blamed on her anyway . She did not mind the aches in her legs and hips . She took no notice of the pain in her back . All she thought about was the tip she would receive that would be an addition to the money she was saving so she could enroll next semester . But even the thought of the tip could not take away the fatigue that was beginning to overpower Juliet . Her head was starting to spin , her legs were getting wobbly and her eyes were getting blurry . She was taking a tray with a bowl of soup to an old woman when her legs gave in and she fell on the floor . The hot soup spilled all over her while the tray fell on the head of the diner on the table next to the old woman 's . Before she could even stand up , the restaurant manager materialized beside her and berated her for being so careless . The customer stood up and gave the manager a piece of her mind for the incompetent waitress . The manager apologized to the customer and went back to scolding Juliet . Juliet could not move . The entire restaurant seems to be closing in on her and she felt like she was being swallowed whole . Then , she heard a kind but firm voice . . " Hey , you ! Can 't you see that this child is hurt ? She fell on the floor and my soup is all over her . Go get a first aid kit . . " " And you . . you knew this child didn 't mean it . And it was just a plastic tray , that couldn 't hurt that bad . So , stop your nagging , it doesn 't help anyone … " The old woman began to wipe the soup from Juliet 's arms and hands . She got the glass of water from the table and offered it to the waitress . Then , she took the unopened burger and put it on Juliet 's hand and spoke . . " I don 't have any money for the tip . But here is my burger , eat it . You look hungry and tired you , need some rest . . " Juliet looked at the old woman 's kind eyes . She saw sincere compassion she had never seen in any customer before . She took the burger and thanked the old woman for the biggest tip she had ever received in the restaurant , a burger wrapped in kindness . I am a voracious reader and though I prefer HISTORICAL FICTION , SCIENCE FICTION and FANTASY , I also enjoy memoirs , YA fiction and a little romance . I love reading and I encourage other people to read , too , so I write book reviews BUT only of those I genuinely enjoy . Not only do I feature BOOK REVIEWS , but I also promote them on TWITTER and write comments on AMAZON and GOODREADS . You can contact me on twitter @ kimmyschemy06 or email me at kimmyschemy06 @ gmail . com for book review requests . View my complete profile

When last I wrote to you guys , I told you how excited I was to finally get back to the Baja peninsula . It had been a long time , and on our way south the Baja was nothing but fun . Well , clearly My Family was just as excited as I was , because the alarm went off before the sun was up . Maya groaned and turned over , dragging the covers back over her head , but I knew we wouldn 't have a long morning of lounging around ahead . I watched Victoria and Jason stumble around , swig coffee , and finally pack us away for another long journey . This was the day we were leaving mainland Mexico behind , and I didn 't want to miss a minute of it . I leapt in the car as soon as Victoria opened the door , and even Maya seemed okay with getting back on the road . The RV parks of northern Mexico were full of nice people , but there wasn 't much action for us dogs . In fact , we hadn 't been off leash for a good long time , and I was hopeful that was about to change . However , we had to get there first . There were pit stops for water , gas and groceries , as well as two military checkpoints that slowed us down . The men in their weird , splotchy outfits were super nice to my family , but Maya didn 't like them at all . As soon as one would step towards Jason 's window , a growl would build from way deep down inside of her . It was pretty scary ! Victoria was laughing , even as the military men would take two big steps back . I guess they can 't tell she doesn 't have any teeth . It took quite some time to traverse the desert and finally loop back onto the peninsula , where we stopped for the night at a place called Kiki 's in the town of San Felipe . Practically the first thing we did when we got there was head directly for the beach , a beautiful , empty stretch of sand where Maya and I were allowed to roam free . Yep , brighter days were ahead of us . After a good long run , things got even better . We met a bunch of nice people from a land called Canada , which is on the other side of the United States . Jamie , Ian , Michelle and Rodney planned to stay on the Baja for several weeks , driving around in their VW buses . They were all super nice , and of course , loved me immediately . That first night was one of the best I 've had in a long time . My Family stayed up late with our new friends , sharing stories and listening to music , and us dogs were around to hang out the whole time . I did my usual , bouncing from lap to lap , while Maya made sad faces at Michelle and Ian , hoping for some of their grilled chicken . I 'll bet you can guess which one of us got our wish that night . My Family had so much fun with our new friends that they decided to stay another day . Kiki 's was a nice park , with other dogs who were all super sweet and usually were allowed to roam around . There were big palapas for shade , and of course that great beach to scamper around on . There was even some sort of dead animal buried in the sand that us dogs kept nosing around at . It smelled delicious , but Jason wasn 't having any of it . Luckily , that second day we did get tastes of some even better food , and enjoyed another night hanging out with all the campers . I don 't know if it was the nice people , the beautiful beaches , or simply getting away from the gravel - filled RV parks , but we had an absolute blast . The next day Victoria and Jason got us packed up , and even though I was sorry to leave our new friends behind , I was super excited for the next stop in Baja . I thought we 'd be up and out at dawn , as had been our habit lately , but Victoria and Jason were taking their time . Coffee and fresh tamales at camp , and then several stops in town for more gas and flea and tick medicine for Maya and I . All the stopping and starting was getting Maya seriously grumpy . She hates driving as it is , and the bumpy dirt roads weren 't making it any better for her . She was practically quaking by the time we left San Felipe behind , and Victoria and I had to calm her down while Jason focused on the road . The next drive was pretty quick , straight down the beautiful eastern coast of northern Baja . Nothing but white , sandy beaches as far as my eyes could see ! We turned off the highway and jounced along a trail to reach a camp site on Gonzaga Bay . Wow , what a spot ! First off , the lot that had palapas and bathrooms for the humans was super wide , and had almost no traffic on it at all . That meant our leashes were basically left in the car . Secondly , a steep , fun beach with birds to chase and plenty of sticks for Maya to gum up , and more new camp friends ! Karly and Steve were also from Canada ( What is up with that country ? Is everyone from Canada awesome ? ! ) , and they had two big dogs that Maya was terrified of at first . One of them was also named Maya ! How 's that for a coincidence ? Their Maya was part wolf , and wasn 't scared of anything , so they 're pretty easy to tell apart . Tripp was their other dog , and he was super mellow . The humans cooked dinner while us dogs wandered the beach and hung out by our Big Truck . More stories , more music , and more tasty bites of human food . Yep , this Baja place is where it 's at ! The next morning , Victoria and Jason woke up in time to watch the sun rise . They were pretty excited about it , while I was far more focused on catching another snooze before they whisked us off again . Yep , we only had one night on Gonzaga Bay . Jason 's work week was on the horizon , and even though this place was pretty special , we just couldn 't stay any longer . We said goodbye to all of our new friends , packed up and hit the road . The drive to Bahia de Los Angeles was long and pretty intense , which is basically Maya 's nightmare . After a couple of miles driving south the pavement disappeared , and the rocky dirt road twisted into the desert . It was a super pretty drive , surrounded by giant boulders and cactus , but the road was crazy bouncy . Jason even had to stop to let some air out of the tires ! Maya hung her head and tried to look as pathetic as possible , while I had my nose to the window , waiting for my next sniff of the ocean . Finally it came , as we left the desert behind and made it to the bay . Bahia de Los Angeles is super pretty . My Family took a ton of pictures , and those will probably do a better job of describing it than I could . Our campsite was a place called La Gringa , and it was OUT THERE . We left the town behind , then bounced down a wide dirt road , then turned onto a narrow dirt road , then kept going on what basically looked like a random trail . When we arrived at the head of the bay , we found a shelly beach with just a couple of other campers , and a pretty sweet view . It wasn 't the best for running on with small paws , and the wind was blowing pretty hard , so we stuck to the camper and watched the sun fall under the water . It was nice and peaceful here , with no sound but that howling wind , and nothing to do but snuggle up with My Family . Pretty cool day . We packed up the camper fairly early in the morning to head back into town . Bahia de Los Angeles is a small , sleepy community , but Victoria had heard there were other campsites more in the middle of things where Jason could get his work done . We pulled into one place , a sweet camp site right on the beach called Guillermo 's , and talked to some nice Australian boys . Apparently , the internet there wasn 't working . Jason spoke to the owner , who was really cool , but she didn 't have a solution for him . So we drove to another hotel which also was supposed to have internet . They didn 't either . Jason started talking to more folks , and found out that the internet in this whole place simply came and went , blowing through as hard as the past day 's wind , and then disappearing just as fast . Jason was officially in trouble . He did find a little market that had internet , but it was barely good enough to check email . After more than a year of traveling through Mexico and Central America , Jason officially struck out on internet for the first time ! While he was off attempting to work , Victoria , Maya and I hung out on the beach at Guillermo 's . It was the perfect spot for a little doggie play session , away from the highway and all to ourselves . Maya and I ran ourselves silly and Victoria got in the action too , throwing sticks and begging Maya to bring them back . She did , sometimes . By the time Jason got back from his internet mission , we were all tuckered out , laying in the sun and catching a nap . As much as we would have loved to stay on this pretty beach , the whole no internet thing is a huge deal breaker for My Family when it 's time for Jason to work . I enjoyed having them to myself ( well , myself and Maya , I guess ) all weekend , but Jason had to get back to his mobile office , and it didn 't seem like that was going to happen in Bahia de Los Angeles . So with much regret , My Family packed us up once more and left this town behind . They weren 't entirely sure where we we going to go , but it looked like we had one more trip south ahead of us ! The night spent in Ciudad Constitucion was relaxing and pretty quiet . No barking dogs and clucking roosters to keep us up all night , although I think I might have dreamt about them ! When we woke up in the morning it got hot in a hurry . We were far from the beach , and boy could you tell ! My Family had planned on getting us up and out pretty early , so we could get to a beach they promised me was going to be a lot of fun . But the owner of Palapa 206 RV Park & Motel wanted to chat . He was a really nice man from England , which is where Victoria 's family is from too . I bet they know each other . He wanted to talk about stuff Jason called ' politics ' , and from how quiet Jason was , I could tell he wasn 't sure if this was going to be a fun conversation . There was a lot of talk about people named Margaret Thatcher and ' Di ' , who both sounded pretty nice . I was trying to figure out if we had met them back home at the Wee Blue House , but since I don 't speak human I guess I 'll never know . Anyway , after a long talk we finally wrapped up and hit the road . It took quite a long time to get to our next destination , a big city called La Paz . There were a lot of long , straight stretches , and then big hills that seemed to just go up and down forever . It was pretty , but it was also really really hot . By the time we got to La Paz I was panting pretty hard . I was more than ready for the beach , but I didn 't see one anywhere . We stopped at a supermarket , and then tried to find our way through town to a beach called Tecolote . It was supposed to be really pretty , but boy , was La Paz confusing ! Victoria thought she had a map with a ' shortcut ' , but we kept getting turned around . All the while it just seemed to get hotter and hotter . I didn 't mean to , but I pooped a little bit on Victoria 's shorts . She was pretty upset , because someone named Lululemon gave them to her . I didn 't mean it ! It all worked out , though . Victoria forgave me for the little accident , the shortcut ended up working out , and after a fun drive on a trucker highway we ended up far outside of La Paz , past the big ferry station , on the amazing beach in Tecolote . The road there was pretty crazy , which seems to be normal for Baja . At one point we were following a big construction truck that was literally digging the road as we drove . I 'm glad our big truck is so good at driving on roads like that . There was a lot of bounces and bumps , but finally the beach was in sight . My Family was right ; it was amazing ! We pulled up right on the sand and parked . All around us were other families , parked and playing on the beach . There were boats and things called jet - skis in the water , and kids were splashing in the waves . Even though it was already late in the day , I got to go off leash and play with the waves . I 'm not sure I would want to swim like these people do ; the waves are so big ! But they are fun to splash around in . I like to bite the foam as it trickles into shore , and then dig at the wet sand that squishes between my paws . It was so much fun to run on the sand again I didn 't want to stop , even when it started to get dark . But we were all getting hungry , and luckily my Family took me with them to dinner . There was a string of restaurants on the beach , not far from where we parked , and we settled onto beach chairs . Jason had a margarita , and Victoria was super happy to ' finally ' have something called a pina colada . I managed to steal a lick off the side of the glass before she moved it out of the way . While I wasn 't allowed any more of that , I did get a big share of the chips and the fish tacos we ordered . Let me just tell you , they were delicious ! I played in the sand all the way home , and then we settled in for the night . When I woke up it was still dark . My Family was asleep , but I just wanted to look out the windows . Since we were right on the beach the sound of the ocean was so loud , louder than any traffic or anything we used to hear back home . My Family woke up too , and laughed about me looking out the windows . Hey , I 'm just making sure everything is okay ! Jason was telling Victoria how it takes him at least a day to get used to the new sounds in each place . I don 't know what the problem is , just go back to sleep ! But they wanted to get up and go to the bathroom , and couldn 't seem to fall back to sleep after that . Ah well , it gave me the chance to chow down on my food . I can 't remember ever having breakfast that early before , but the ocean air seems to make me really hungry . Although the day started really weird , it got a lot better from there . We went on a long walk down the beach , all the way to the rocks at the end . There were lots fish laying on the sand , with funny pointy bits all over them . Jason wouldn 't let me get near enough to get a good sniff , but they 're called puffer fish . Victoria was wondering why so many of them were laying around , but Jason didn 't have any answers . They did let me play with some funny colored balls on strings hanging out in the water . They 're called ' buoys ' , and later I saw that people used them to get in and out from the shore on their boats . I got to run around a lot off leash again , which always makes it feel like a holiday . The rest of the day was filled with holiday fun . We played at the edge of the water a bit , but I guess Victoria is determined to teach me to swim , because she kept carrying me in with her . The water was nice and warm , but I don 't think I like it very much yet . I was able to swim in to Jason on the shore a couple of times , and then I let My Family know I was pretty much done with that . So instead we sat in our chairs , played in the sand , and My Family read books . Jason and Victoria talked about how much they 've been sleeping , and how beautiful and relaxing Mexico is . I have to say I agree ! That night it got really dark , and most everyone else on the beach started to leave . A big camper pulled in next to us , something Victoria called a ' Winnebago ' . It had people from Canada in it , which means they drove even longer than we did to get here . As it got even later we noticed that one car down the beach was just sitting there with its lights on . A Mexican man and his two children passed us by , carrying a small can meant for gasoline . He spoke Spanish to us , and it took My Family a while to figure out what he was saying . But eventually they figured out that his family had run out of gas and needed help . Luckily , before we drove through that big desert in Baja California Jason had filled up his spare gas can . My Family managed to pull it off the truck and fill the Mexican man 's can . He thanked us and was able to get his family off the beach . He asked Jason " Quanto ? " , which means " how much " in Spanish . But Jason and Victoria didn 't want any money for it . The man was surprised , but happily went on his way . Jason said it was " good Karma " . I don 't really know what that means . The next morning we woke with the sun , and it got hot in a hurry . We were ready to head south , and although we were leaving the beach , My Family promised me more fun ahead . We drove past La Paz a lot easier this time , into a town called Todos Santos . This place was really pretty . We had planned on stopping there , but it was Sunday and almost everything was closed . We still managed to find delicious lunch at a small restaurant called Tacos Barajas . They cut up the meat right there on the counter , and I was lucky enough to get a few bites . There were plenty of other dogs around that weren 't nearly as lucky as me . I wonder where their owners are , and when they get treats ? We drove out of Todos Santos towards a town called Los Cerritos , which had a beach club My Family thought had a place to camp . There was a beautiful club there , with a huge pool and everything . But the campground left a lot to be desired . It was basically a dusty field , and there wasn 't anyone else around to play with . My Family knew they didn 't want to stay there , but they didn 't really know where else to go . We stopped at a restaurant on the beach where My Family could get drinks . They were pretty grumpy , but a couple of pina coladas helped a lot . Those drinks seem pretty magical . The internet worked there , so Jason hopped online and they looked over their options . Apparently there was a place called Pescadoro Surf Camp that sounded pretty cool . We had passed it on the way down , so we quickly backtracked and pulled in . The owner , an American from San Diego named Jaime , was really nice . He walked us past the pool and the cool outdoor kitchen and showed us where we could camp . There was good internet there , and showers for My Family to use . Victoria and Jason thought it seemed pretty nice , so we decided to stay there . Was that ever a good idea ! The pool was pretty , and even though Victoria made me swim again I didn 't mind too much . There was a dog in the camp that really liked me . He kept coming around trying to sniff at me , and even whined at our door when I was in the camper . Victoria and Jason started calling him " Romeo " and laughing . These people jokes really don 't make much sense to me . It was pretty quiet when we got to the surf camp , but within a couple of hours more and more people started to arrive . By the end of the day the camp was packed , and everyone was so nice ! There were all these surfers there , most of them from Canada , and everyone loved me . I don 't think I 've ever had more people who wanted to hold me , kiss me and talk to me . A couple of them even took me in the pool , and debated with each other how I wanted to be held . Really , I would much rather have watched from a comfy chair , but I didn 't mind too much . The next few days passed slowly , and were a ton of fun . My Family shared meals and drinks with all of the surfers , and I got a ton of attention . A couple of the nights we stayed up late , as the surfer boys had bought several bottles of something called ' tequila ' . This made them all pretty silly , but I still got a ton of attention . Jason spent some time working , Victoria read and hung out with me by the pool , and we had a lot of delicious food . We went for a walk into the town of Los Cerritos , where everyone was so nice . I got to stretch my legs a bit , and saw a bunch of other dogs and people . There was even a big blue box on one corner , which Victoria called a " taco stand " , where a woman made huge burritos for Victoria and Jason . They were pretty excited about it . We had a lot of fun hanging out with all of our new friends , and relaxing on the comfy sand . The only real problem was getting the camper comfortable . When we pulled in Jason didn 't realize how much of a slant we were on . The first night was pretty bad . My Family felt like they were going to slide right out of bed the whole time . The next morning Jason dug up a bunch of sand and set it under the wheels , finally getting us level . It seemed like sweaty work , and I was pretty happy that I didn 't have to do it . I could smell in the air that things were different down here . It was hotter than where we had been before , and there were tons of palm trees like we have at home . I saw all sorts of little creatures , too . There were stick bugs that spent all day trying to climb up the table leg in the kitchen , tiny lizards that scurried along the edge of the roof , and more bugs than I could even try to catch . Apparently we had passed something called " The Tropic of Cancer " , which is an imaginary line humans have drawn on the planet . I don 't understand this that well , but I guess it means we were in a really different part of the world now . Even though we never made it back out to the beach , this might have been my favorite place ever . I could tell that Victoria and Jason really didn 't want to leave . We even ran into our friends Andre , Marcia and Olivia again ! They had spent a night at the terrible RV park on the beach , and they decided to join us at the surf camp . It seemed like they had fun there too . After four days My Family decided it was time to move on . We packed up really slowly , because it was seriously hot . I was panting pretty hard , so Victoria and Jason forced me under the shower a couple of times . I don 't really like this that much , but I did feel much cooler afterwards . We drove for only a few minutes before pulling into a place called ' Baja Beans ' . This was a coffee shop , which I guess My Family desperately needed at that point . Anyway , they were really happy with the food and drinks they got , and I even got a little taste myself . There were a couple of nice dogs there , and the space was beautiful so I was more than content to hang out while My Family enjoyed their coffee . After that we drove right back to the surf camp . I didn 't really know what was going on , until I saw Jason come back to the big truck with one of the surfer boys , a nice person named Steve . He had to get to a place called Cabo Pulmo , but I guess he didn 't have a big truck of his own . Jason and Victoria wanted to help him out , so they moved some stuff around and we left again , this time with another passenger ! I wanted to sit in his lap to welcome him to the adventure , but Victoria made me stay with her . We drove on from there , quickly passing through two big beach towns . My Family called this place ' Cabo ' , and even though it was really pretty it seemed like we weren 't going to stop there . Victoria said it was too expensive , and Jason said he didn 't want to stay somewhere so ' touristy ' . I don 't know , the beach looked pretty cool . Anyway , we left those places behind and headed up a really pretty road , with mountains covered in mist in the distance . We stopped once to fill up on gas , but the whole station was empty . I 've never heard of that before . I know , I 'm a dog , and I don 't know much about cars . But that seemed pretty odd to me . Anyway , we found gas at another place , then turned off on the road to Cabo Pulmo . After a while the pavement stopped , and suddenly we were bouncing down a really rough gravel road . It kept going on and on , and I could tell Jason and Victoria had no idea that Cabo Pulmo was going to be so far away . Steve was really thankful for the ride , and I could tell My Family really didn 't mind . It was ' part of the adventure ' , as they would put it . Once Cabo Pulmo came into view , no one talked about the road anymore . This place had one of the most amazing beaches I 've ever seen . You couldn 't force me into that water , though . It looked really rough . But it was so pretty , and there was almost no one there . Apparently Cabo Pulmo is within a national park , and most people come here to go diving . There 's something called a live coral reef there , which I guess means there 's all sorts of fish and animals you would get to see . I knew my family wouldn 't be doing that , but they did really enjoy the tiny town set close to the beach . It was already getting late when we got there , so My Family decided we wouldn 't be heading to Los Barriles as planned , but would spend the night here . We dropped Steve off so he could set up his own camp , and My Family found a nice lady named Nancy , who owned a restaurant where we could stay . We set up in their driveway , went for a little walk , and then went inside for dinner . It was really pretty outside , with a fire and candles on the tables . Victoria loved all the decorations for Halloween , while I think Jason was happy to have a nice dinner . The food was super tasty , and My Family started chatting with a couple of people from a town called Mexico City , which is also in Mexico , but pretty far away . Victoria was excited to talk to them , because she wasn 't sure if we should go there or not . That couple had traveled quite a bit , and after talking to them for a while they sounded pretty certain that we should skip Mexico City this time . Jason was more than happy to take their advice , especially after hearing about all of the other places they recommended . We thanked them and headed back to the camper for the night . It was the end of a very long day , but it seemed the roosters wanted to stay up and chat . I was happily drifting off , but the roosters were crowing what seemed like every five seconds . My Family couldn 't understand why this was happening . These guys are supposed to talk during the day ? Anyway , a couple roosters around there didn 't get that information , and kept chatting all night long . The next morning I could tell that My Family hadn 't slept all that well . We packed up pretty quickly and found a place for breakfast . The food was pretty good , and Jason liked watching the dive instructors all drinking beer and watching something called ' football ' first thing in the morning . After breakfast we got back in the big truck and headed up to Los Barriles . It was a short and pretty drive , and My Family is pretty excited to spend some time in a real town . We found a nice RV park to stay in , where I guess we 're going to spend at least a few days . Victoria said the RV park is full of snow - birds but I haven 't seen a lot of birds yet , just a lot of older people who like to talk to My Family a lot . I 'm not sure what 's to come , or if we 'll see any of the snow birds , but if it 's anything like the last week I 'm sure I 'm going to love it .

The fish heads were just there , in the ravine , at the spot where the creek goes into the pipe under the road . I bet someone just threw them out the car window . They looked like swordfish heads , swordfish heads in a white box at the end of a ravine in Rock Island , IL . And they stank . That 's what I remember , that and the kid who stuck one through with a stick , lifted it up , ran at the rest of us . The fish had pale skin , clouded eyes . The kid 's name was Jimmy , and sometimes he was my best friend . When he pushed the fish head in my face , he wasn 't , but I knew I 'd still spend the night at his house . We 'd been in the ravine most of the day , our arms red and raw from the nettles we had to walk through before we gave up on the trails and began walking through the creek . We were wet and heavy , beating water striders with sticks . Every once in a while , we 'd stop and pour water out of our shoes . I kept my eyes open , looking for dirty magazines stuffed into hollow logs - a millipede crawling across naked breasts . " No , she 's pissed because I stole a bunch out of her purse . I know someone who could get us some , though . You got any money ? " The Williams , no problem unless Shawn saw us . It wasn 't like he was going to beat us up . We just didn 't want to hang out with him . He was younger , and it was fun to exclude him . Out of the William 's yard and in the street . We looked out of place , muddy and wet , ship - wrecked kid - sailors just crawled on land . Jimmy started down the street towards my house . I followed to the brown two - story with asbestos shingles , the big green Dodge in front . My dad was at work , so it would just be my mom . We went back down the ravine , and I got the fish head in my face , and I wanted to tell him to fuck - off , but I didn 't . Instead , we came up the end of a dead end . My waist was sore where by belt bunched up my jeans . We walked till we hit the first house with a big dog and a porch with torn screens . The dog was on a chain that didn 't quite reach the porch door . Jimmy walked just outside the chain 's length . The dog 's jaws snapped . We walked through the porch , past motorcycle parts and beer cans to the front door . Jimmy banged on it . A girl answered . She was big , too big for her halter top and jeans . Her large breasts were barely held in place , a fold of skin hung over the waist - line of her pants . I stared at her , but she only looked at Jimmy . " What the fuck do you want ? " " You wish … Billy , get over here . " She walked away . Jimmy and I didn 't say anything , just another person Jimmy knew that I had never met . Billy was tall , wearing jeans and boots , no shirt . He was probably around 20 . His hair was long , and he had a mustache . He had a beer in his hand . He looked like he just woke up . " Oh yeah , cool . Come in . " The girl was on the couch , drinking a bottle of Pepsi . There was a motorcycle engine on the coffee table in front of her . The TV was on . " You want a beer ? " Billy said looking at both of us . " Screw you , " said Jimmy , " I don 't need you to get me a god - damned beer . " She laughed , and he followed her out the room . I watched her . " Just tell me if you want her to jack you off . All you have to do is bring like ten bucks . You can touch her tits too if you want . " " It 's fine . She likes it . Ask Jimmy about it . " She came into the room followed by Jimmy . Billy stopped talking then started again . " So you got a Honda 50 ? " The ravine was even stickier now . It was a little cooler down by the creek , but not much . We were both smoking . My throat was raw . I had already given up on the paths and was walking through the creek . I was ahead of Jimmy when I hit the pool . It wasn 't much , but a fallen tree and a shopping cart had damned the creek enough to create a spot four feet deep . I walked in . I bent my knees and brought my head under water . I lifted it out and looked around . Jimmy was sitting on a log , so I took off my shirt , threw it on the ground , next my shoes , pants , underwear . Jimmy smoked . I jacked - off under the dark water , keeping my face tight and still . After I came , I got out of the water , dressed and followed Jimmy up and out of the ravine . Jimmy 's dad was in the kitchen when we got there . He was smoking a cigarette . He was balding and tried to make up for it with a bushy mustache . Jimmy went to the refrigerator and pulled out a Pepsi . " Hey Dad , Dave 's spending the night , OK ? " " What ? " He looked at me , then back at Jimmy . " Sure … hey , don 't drink all those . I 'm not made of money you know . " " Alright , order it . " He looked around the room , then at me . He took a drag from his cigarette . The TV was on . My Dad didn 't smoke and hardly ever watched TV . He just worked on cars in his shop while listening to the radio . Jimmy took another Pepsi out of the refrigerator . " Come on , let 's go . " He gave me the pop and headed up the stairs to his room . " Hey ! ! " his dad yelled , " where are you going ? " Jimmy didn 't stop . We stood there for a while , his dad and I . I opened my Pepsi , took a sip , and went up the stairs . The sun was just going down , and we were already bored . We had 7 hours before the papers arrived , at least 3 hours before we could really explore the neighborhood . We were still in Jimmy 's room , our shirts off , but it made little difference in the heat . We were looking through old Hot Rod magazines . I didn 't care about the cars , but I liked reading the cartoons . Jimmy looked up and said , " let 's go back to Billy 's . " " Why ? because there 's nothing else to fucking do , that 's why . Wait here . I 'm going to see if my sister 's got any money in her purse ; then , we can head out . " He looked around the room for something to wipe - up the blood . He grabbed my t - shirt . I didn 't stop him . When he was done wiping his lip , he threw it to me . I close my eyes and try to surrender to the chugga chugga rhythm of wheels beneath me . I have time . I 'm just outside the city , somewhere in Queens judging by the abundance of above - ground pools and aluminum siding . I think of the people who live in these identical little houses , how they probably didn 't labor over their decisions to buy white plastic patio furniture , and I catch myself wishing for fewer choices . I still don 't know where he 's taking me . I only know to get off the train at Greenport : the very last stop . 6 : 45pm at Greenport Station . Dress to be romanced and bring your toothbrush . Those were my only instructions . He 'll take me somewhere by the water , some bed and breakfast that one of his associates couldn 't stop talking about . He 'll have scoped out the best lobster roll and a tiny out - of - the - way place that roasts its own coffee . It 's just a weekend , I tell myself . He likes these extravagances , trying out the great places he hears about at work . But it feels different . He 's been dropping hints and talking about " the future " . He 's giddy . Since when is he giddy ? The yards are getting bigger . I move past parks and tudor homes with manicured gardens and I know we 're approaching Garden City , where we both grew up , total strangers just blocks away . In a few minutes , we 'll pass the football field where I tossed pompoms and he did lines under the bleachers . I feel so old . Us Weekly gets me through the next hour , lulling me into a merciful stupor with its colorful celebrity spreads . But the panic returns when I see the flicker of a farmstand . Hand painted signs that pass by too quickly for my tired eyes , but I 'll bet I can pick my own strawberries just beyond them . The train is slowing down and it 's all coming into focus . Southold . The second to last stop . The vineyards , the sunflowers and the quaint old homes scattered between them . Southold . The second to last stop . " Not yet " is all I can think . I grab my bag and , before I know what I 've done , the door is closing . I 'm out on the platform watching tall grass sway , languidly , like seaweed underwater . My heart is pounding and I suck in the air . It tastes warm and delicious . It 's all wide open . And I 'm not ready . There is a ticket stub in there , pressed between two pages , between a Rembrandt self - portrait and a study of Dr . Tulp . I have a thing about doctors , not in a good way . In The Anatomy Lesson , their faces float like masks against the gloom . The one hovering in the back looks just like Dr . Boushey , concerned but distant , as if he had a migraine coming on . I didn 't draw the cadaver , though I stared at him for a long time . Yes , I thought , I 've had days like that . That is the promise of art . There 's also a brochure from the museum 's Rembrandt exhibition , tucked against the notebook , its map much consulted . The edges are curled and the glossy paper feels a little damp to me still . I got caught in a downpour on the way home and barely had the strength to keep one foot squelching in front of another . I walked so much that day , more than I had been able to do for months . Even simply standing in front of the paintings , extracting faces from them for my own practice , was tiring . That night my feet swelled to the size of bread loaves and I had to hobble from the kitchen to the couch with my supper . But it was still the best day I 'd had in a long time . Lipstick - Pink Sand by Motives - because you never know where the day might take you . I 'm as prepared as a boy scout . Cover - up for the dark circles under the eyes and to camouflage the three tiny blue dots on my chest . My only tattoo . Something for the technicians to aim at . And there 's Sam 's number on a small triangle of paper , ripped from his notebook . While I was sketching Rembrandt , he was sketching me . It wasn 't a good likeness ; I didn 't recognize myself at all . His eyes were very blue and his hair , grey and thick and wiry , shot up from his head like someone 's cartoon depicting surprise . He 's an art teacher , like me , only he teaches high school . A brand new travel pack of tissues . I buy them in bulk now and always have one or two packages on hand . You have probably never had reason to imagine how your nose would keep running , a thin constant irritating trickle , in the absence of nose hairs . A red plastic travel comb . This is a token of optimism . The hair that has grown back so far is thin and soft , like a newborn 's . I don 't even trouble it with shampoo . Another ticket stub from a few days later , this one screwed into a tight little ball and fallen into a corner , wedged beside the seam . I would never have saved it otherwise . Sam and I were supposed to see World War Z . It was freezing outside so I bought my ticket and went in . The concession stand had a clear view of the front doors . There was no possible way to miss him . " You were sick , " he said , like it was an excuse . " I didn 't realize at first . I didn 't want to get into all that . " He reached across the table to where my hand would be resting if we were in a movie . He stroked the white tablecloth , damp from my water glass . I kept my hands to myself . One non - clinical touch , I thought , would transform me into an ebullient puppy , all licks and yips and tail whipping so hard from side to side that it would set my whole body vibrating . Not to mention the danger to the glassware . I bit hard into a piece of garlic bread , surely a preventative against kissing him too soon . But Sam had ordered the zucchini soup , which came with tiny slices of garlic toast floating on its surface . By the end of the night , it didn 't matter . We ended up tasting like each other . I pretended to be what he wanted . An appointment card for Dr . Boushey . Nine o ' clock , Tuesday , on Sheppard Ave . Exactly a year since the biopsy . I won 't be taking the bus this time . Halfway up the flight of stairs , his mother 's grip loosened on the handrail and as he watched , sweat spotted the back of her neck like weary stars . Then her rhythm of breath ruptured . He had helped her at first , placing a firm hand on each side of her waist , but she shoved him off every time with her arm . Remaining always a step behind , he kept his palm poised near her back . Onlookers with their Christmas worries rushed past the frail lady on the left clutching the handrail . A few scowled . A haggard man in his bank suit stared at his shoes behind them . Her back heaved - slightly more hunched , as if the weight of this task and not just her arthritis had finally begun to bring her down . Her grip softened . Her head started to sway . He thought her concentration unraveling like a ball of string . She clawed now at the rail , but his mother 's body tipped back and with all too much familiarity he lunged , hopped up behind her and slid his left arm around her waist while he clamped his right hand to her belly . He cradled her back into the pillow of his chest and balanced on his heels . She squirmed inside his embrace as wet , silver hair scattered his cheeks . A slow exhalation , and she settled , like clay molding into its final shape . He raised his left foot to the next step , simultaneously moving her leg up with him . He repeated this with his right but it was like kneeing sudden cement . His left foot planted on the next step , he nudged her leg to move with him but it wouldn 't . Again , with more force , he encouraged with his right leg her right leg to move . With stubborn reluctance , her resistance finally melted , and he pushed her leg up to the next step . He felt a more concentrated weight sink into his chest as she tucked her arms in and cupped her hands beneath her elbows . He moved his left leg with hers to the next , and did the same again with his right . He moved her where she needed to go . He repeated this process of moving his and her left and his and her right until they arrived at the top . There , he stood behind her holding each of her arms . He let go and stepped to the side . But he noticed a sweaty clump of silver hair hanging in front of her eye so he brushed it aside with his thumb . The haggard man behind them began whistling . Bradley slipped his mother 's hand inside his and placed her other hand around the handrail . She side - stepped away from him , at first . The man in the bank suit behind them checked his watch . After repeating more or less the same process down the stairs , the three of them made for the exit . The man in the bank suit , without looking back , jingled out his keys and rushed ahead . Bradley curled his arm all the way around his mother 's waist . As they waited just inside the doors , and waited , and waited , and waited still , he bravely glanced over his shoulder , at the strip of gold tape warning its caution : the black railing had skewered off , some of it lying in a twisted heap on the ground like a dead python . The rest of it trailed in a zig - zag , draping the steps , and these steps tilted weirdly all the way up , as though a massive weight had crushed the left side . Broken and neglected , locked in time this thing waited , for help that was taking too long to arrive . They all sat on the front porch on a summer evening in their raincoats , Marcus Tidwell , his Mama , his younger sister Emily and older brother Mack . It was raining so hard that they could hardly see the swollen gutters on Juniper Street struggling to displace the flooding . They had looked for Betsy for two hours , slogging through the rain in different directions , then meeting back at the house at four o ' clock to see if anyone had gotten lucky . Betsy was a black Persian cat who had been a fixture in the Tidwell home for twelve years , as long as Marcus had been alive . When Marcus was a baby , Mama kept Betsy out of his room because she had heard from her mother that a cat can kill an infant by sucking its breath . Mama didn 't really believe that , but why take chances ? So , she waited until Marcus was three before she let Betsy sleep with him and after that , the two slept together every night . The night that Betsy went missing , she didn 't show up for her can of tuna at six o ' clock . Betsy had always been strictly an indoor cat and had never been outside , even by accident . However , she had the run of the entire house and divided her time between the upstairs bedrooms , the main floor and the basement which contained her litter box . Wherever Betsy was , like clockwork , she always padded into the kitchen at exactly 5 : 30 . Then she would weave back and forth through Mama 's legs for half an hour while dinner was cooked , waiting for Mama to open the cat food . Betsy would listen as the old manual can opener rode the rim of the can as Mama turned the key . And then , she would stand up on her hind legs with paws on the cupboard door as the tin top made its characteristic sound when it finally sheared off . But that night , Betsy was not in the kitchen at all , even after supper was cooked and the can opened . She didn 't show up even after the family had finished eating , dishes were washed and the cat food was put in the refrigerator under a plastic lid . It was beginning to drizzle and the family knew that it would be difficult to find a black cat in the dark and like most cats , Betsy did not come when she was called . So , they decided to wait until the morning to conduct a search . That night , Marcus did not sleep well without Betsy 's warmth pressed against his back and the sound of her soft purring . He also had trouble sleeping because he knew it was his fault that Betsy had disappeared . The first thing you need to know about Marcus Tidwell is that he was an inveterate liar . At school he told the other students he had a dog , but he actually had a cat . He bragged to Sarah Robinson that he could play the guitar , but he played no instrument at all . And when he was caught in a lie , other falsehoods accrued like layers of an onion . If someone asked to see his dog , he said it was at a training academy learning the etiquette of behavior in dog shows . He planned to show his dog at a major kennel club when it was ready . When the boarding period was over the dog became deathly ill and was confined at the veterinarian 's office for weeks before it died . If asked to play the guitar he said his left fingers had paper cuts and he couldn 't touch the fret board for several weeks . After those several weeks passed , his guitar had suffered water damage from a leak in the attic . Well , you get the idea . The morning of the day Betsy vanished Marcus woke up with her back plastered against his chest as he lay in a fetal position . It was one of those lazy summer days in the small town of Jasper , Alabama where he had nothing else to do but walk down to the bowling alley and meet his friends . They would bowl a few games and drop by McDonalds for lunch . Then he would come home and get ready to mow the back lawn to earn his allowance . Emily was gone to Susan Mason 's house to play , Mack had baseball practice with a local league and Mama was at work at the insurance agency . After lunch at McDonalds , Marcus turned the key in the front door of his house , went upstairs and changed into some work clothes . The back yard was about a fifty by fifty foot square surrounded by a four - foot wooden slat fence . Most of the yard was planted in Bermuda grass , but a small garden hugged the fence on one side . At the rear of the yard was an aluminum storage shed for lawn and garden equipment . The steps from the back door led down to a small cement slab with a grill on one end and a patio set on the other . It was as Marcus was decending the steps that Betsy came charging through the screen door held open briefly by its pneumatic closer . He watched her run all the way across the yard and begin sniffing the plants in the garden . " Come on Bets , you know you ain 't supposed to be outside " said Marcus . He started easing his way toward the garden , trying to remain calm because Betsy could be very difficult or impossible to collar if she didn 't want to be caught . She had only gotten outside into the back yard a couple of times in her life and that was one of the reasons they had put up the fence . Even though it was fenced , they didn 't let Betsy out there because four feet was an easy hop for a cat and she could be gone in an instant . As Marcus stepped off the cement slab , he noticed a movement on the left side of the back of the property . And almost faster than his head could turn to follow the motion , a fox ran across the back yard , grabbed Betsy by the back of her neck and vaulted over the fence out of the yard . Marcus ran to the point where the fox disappeared over the fence and saw it run into the woods carrying Betsy in its jaws . Marcus climbed over the fence and headed for the woods but when he got there he could see no signs of the fox or Betsy . He heard no sounds of rustling branches or cat howls . Betsy was gone and his last vision of her was with teeth gripping her neck strongly enough so the fox could run carrying fifteen pounds . Marcus sat on the back steps and was no longer in the mood to mow the lawn . All he could think about was the fox killing and eating Betsy and that it was his fault for letting her get out the back door . Everyone in the family loved Betsy and he didn 't want to be blamed for killing her out of negligence . So , he did what he had done for years . He decided to lie . After Betsy didn 't show up for dinner the day she disappeared , Mama asked the kids if anyone had seen her . Marcus said , " I got home from lunch about one o ' clock and I didn 't see Betsy . But I wasn 't looking for her neither . You know how she curls up in the strangest places to sleep . " That wasn 't really a lie , but it certainly skirted the truth . They did a search of the house . Marcus took the basement , Mama the main floor , Emily the upstairs and Mack even went into the back yard to see if she had gotten out and was still there . They found nothing . Then his Mama said " Did you open the back door ? I know you were gonna mow the lawn today . " Marcus said , " I was plannin to mow the lawn out back , but I hurt my wrist bowlin and didn 't wanna make it worse tryin to start that old mower . Sometimes it takes twenty pulls to get it goin . I 'll do it later this week . " And that was the beginning of the lying . The next day after the long search in the rain , everyone had pretty much given up hope . Marcus sat on the basement steps agonizing over his situation . In the basement there were two small windows that looked out the sides of the house , one side toward the driveway and the other toward the neighbor 's side lawn . It was then that he got the idea . He had been the one to search the basement the night before . What if one of the basement windows had been broken and the cat escaped through it ? The window on the driveway side would have been noticed because of parking cars , but the one on the side yard facing the neighbors would not be seen from the outside . Even the neighbors didn 't go out there except once in a while to mow the grass and its possible that the mower threw a stone and broke the window . If someone searched the basement at night , a broken window could easily go unnoticed because it was dark outside . Marcus could say that he didn 't see the window the night he searched the basement . The rain let up a bit on the following day and everyone but Marcus was gone for the morning . He went to the basement and stood before the neighbor 's side window . He didn 't want to break it from the outside because someone might see him . The window had hinges on the top and opened from the bottom , so he opened the window and used a hammer to break the pane from the outside . Marcus had seen enough crime shows to know that where the glass lands tells the story of which side of the window was hit . All the glass fell inside the basement as if it were broken from the outside . When Mama got home Marcus caught her as she came through the front door . " I think I know how Betsy got out . Come down to the basement . " Marcus pointed to the broken window and said " I didn 't see this when I came down lookin for Betsy the other night . When it 's dark outside it just looks black . Plus the light down here ain 't very good anyway . " Mama furrowed her brow looking at the broken window . " It still seems funny to me that Betsy could jump six feet to the window and not get cut by the glass around the edge . I guess she could , but now I worry that she might bleed to death out there wherever she is . " That night the other kids went down to the basement for a tour led by Marcus . They had less questions about the window and Betsy 's escape as if they had already taken her loss in stride . Marcus missed having the cat to sleep with and started to have nightmares about the fox dismembering Betsy in the woods . Then one night two weeks later when all the kids were out with friends , Mama heard a howl on the front porch . When she opened the front door she said , " Oh my God ! " Betsy was lying on the welcome mat covered in blood and barely breathing . She scooped up the cat , put her in the car and called the veterinarian on her cell phone for an emergency visit . At the animal hospital the vet said " She 's lost a lot of blood and there are jagged wounds like teeth marks around her neck . Some animal must have got her and she somehow managed to get away . " The vet looked at the wounds . " I supposed it could have , or she might have got cut by the window then been caught by an animal later after it smelled the blood . Whatever the case , I 'm going to keep her here a day or two and give her some blood and antibiotics . I think she 'll pull through . " When the kids got home later that night she told the family about finding Betsy and taking her to the vet . " It 's amazin that she found her way back here after being an inside cat her whole life , but I 'm glad she did " said Marcus . " And the vet said she cut herself on the window , just like I told you ? " " He said it was possible , but an animal could have got to her too . I 'm just glad she 'll be home soon " Mama replied . And true to form , despite the multiple explanations , Marcus would tell all of his friends that he solved the mystery of the missing cat . When Betsy came home from the animal hospital all she wanted to do was sleep . And she still slept with Marcus who told her every night that he loved her and that was the truth . He promised her over and over as he petted her to sleep that he would protect her from that evil fox and never let her out into the back yard again . Unfortunately , that turned out to be a lie . Marcus had to catch her on several occasions to bring her back inside . But , in spite of that , Betsy lived a long life to the age of eighteen when she died sleeping under Mama 's sewing machine in an upstairs bedroom . Marcus is currently majoring in political science at the University of Alabama . 1 Jesus Christ materialized before Brit and me on Spanish Town Road . 2 He wore a gray cabby hat , brown tweed jacket , and baggy khaki pants . 3 At first , we thought he was a lonely , clownish man , but the fact that he knew so much about us , and had such wisdom to impart , soon revealed his true identity . 4 As with all the great teachers - Buddha , Socrates , Elvis - Jesus greeted us with a question . 5 " Do I look old ? " 6 Brit and I were brought up right and told him he looked 27 . 7 " Bless your hearts , " he said . 8 " I 'm between dye jobs . " 2 Brit and I were trying to relive the 90s . 2 All hope had been lost in ' 99 when the ball dropped , and we were still here . 3 Brit had hoped aliens would return her to the mothership . 4 I had wanted the faulty coding to break the banks : twenties blazing from ATMs like clay pigeons at a firing 3 Christ told us he was going through a nasty break - up . 2 " Fourteen years wasted . " 3 When we tried to give generic sympathy , Jesus gave us our first lesson . 4 " Fuck him ; my ex - girlfriend was more of a man than he was anyway . " 5 She had offered to kill the ex . 6 Brit interrupted to say , " We all need friends like that . " 7 He said , " She killed her husband . " 8 Apparently , she had finally snapped after one too many beatings . 4 Jesus told us he was a " 90 % protective personality , " and he would smite anyone who messed with us . 3 He had once loved everyone , but he had seen friends beaten , murdered , raped , and it had filled him with rage . 4 The cruelty of men . 5 " I know now some people deserve to die , " he said . 5 He could not explain why those who didn 't deserve to die did . 2 My friend Amy had not deserved the sadness that put the bullet in her brain . 3 Brit 's father had not deserved the cancer that gnawed his body until there was nothing left but the hand she clenched as his spirit slipped away . 4 Not all cruelty was of men . 6 Many may have walked away at this point . 2 The conversation had evolved into mysteries Brit and I did not want to deal with on our night of adventure . 3 Christ must have noticed the slight nod I gave Brit , indicating we could escape down an alley . 4 He said , " Listen to me going on with you girls looking so sexy . 5 Relieved , Brit complimented his jacket , and he told us the last time he had been to the Wine Loft , the bouncer said he wasn 't dressed right . 6 " They can 't tell me that tonight , " he said . 7 " Hell no , " I agreed . 7 The bar was full of what Jesus called , " rich buffoons . " 2 He drank Bud Light and ordered me ( attempting sobriety ) a gin and tonic before I could refuse . 3 " How did you know ? " I asked . 4 " Girl , I know you better than you know yourself , " he said . 5 We tried to buy our own drinks even though we were barely surviving on graduate stipends . 6 Jesus pulled out a band and insisted . 8 Christ counseled Brit first and said , " I got a feeling you 're tied up with a man that ain 't good enough for you . " 2 She asked , " You psychic ? " 3 Jesus could have been smug ; he was , after all , the progeny of the Almighty Creator , but he just said , " I got a feeling we 're all getting out of relationships . " 9 The bartender - classic blonde hair , erect posture , tight ass - strolled our way . 2 Jesus looked at me and said , " You two should hook up . " 3 Always Agnostic , I doubted Christ and argued that I had a boyfriend . 4 " He chasing you , " Jesus asked . 5 I had to admit that he was not . 6 Christ grew intense and preached , " Why you wasting your time ? " 7 He continued , " You know what you got between your legs ? " 8 Brit and I thought we did , but we were hearing the Word and didn 't want to interrupt ; Christ was on a roll . 10 Christ said , " Men are reincarnated miners ; they 're still searching for gold , and you got it between your legs . " 2 " Why would you give up gold ? " 3 Damn ; we saw the truth in what he was saying . 4 Every man Brit had ever dated was a tortured artist - all of them in a perpetual state of unemployment as they pursued their dreams of painting , singing , playing the mandolin , writing poetry , acting , dancing , or just generally finding themselves . 5 I had the opposite problem . 6 My ex had been an ambitious lawyer / farmer / landlord / politician who barely grunted at me over the dinner table before retiring to the living room to sleep on the couch . 7 After passionate courting , the new man was traveling a similar path toward taking me for granted . 12 Wait a minute , " I said ; " You 're sending me mixed messages . 2 " Am I supposed to hook up with the bartender or withhold ? " 3 " You 'll get what you want by being loose , " Christ said . 4 He left us to ponder this odd truth . 13 The clock over the bar said it was time to go to the concert , and we asked Christ to come with us . 2 When we told him we were going to see STP , he sighed and said , " There won 't be any queers there . " 3 We promised we would see him later that night , but , of course , we did not . 5 We strolled from bar to bar , dancing with people a decade younger to songs we didn 't know , but he was not at any of the clubs . 6 Better disciples may have stayed with him , skipped the concert , but we believed that we had heard what we needed . 14 We did see him one last time . 2 Weeks later , we had left yoga and were eating a Louisiana lunch - Mimosas and Bread Pudding - at Bistro Byronz when I saw Christ eating beside an 6attractive , gray - haired gentleman . 3 We wondered if he was the lawyer returned or a new catch . Darren Demaree 's poems have appeared , or are scheduled to appear in numerous magazines / journals , including the South Dakota Review , Meridian , The Louisville Review , Grist , and the Colorado Review . He is the author of " As We Refer To Our Bodies " ( 2013 , 8th House ) , " Temporary Champions " ( 2014 , Main Street Rag ) , and " Not For Art Nor Prayer " ( 2015 , 8th House ) . He is the Managing Editor of the Best of the Net Anthology . He currently lives and writes in Columbus , Ohio with his wife and children . Jennifer Falkner is a writer based in Ottawa , Canada . Her writing credits include American Athenaeum , The Steel Chisel and THEMA . In addition to writing short stories for fun and very little profit , she is the founding editor of Circa : A Journal of Historical Fiction ( circajournal . com ) . A recent graduate of the Bluegrass Writers Studio at Eastern Kentucky University , James Hartman lives in Lexington , Kentucky with his wife and their two dogs and two cats . Other work has appeared in Gravel Literary Journal and Spelk . He is currently sculpting his novel . Geosi Gyasi is a book blogger , reader , writer , and interviewer . His work has appeared in Kalahari Review , African Writer , Poem Hunter , Poetry , The New Black Magazine , Visual Verse , Writers Cafe and other places . He blogs at geosireads . wordpress . com . William Ogden Haynes is a poet and author of short fiction from Alabama who was born in Michigan and grew up a military brat . He has published three collections of poetry , Points of Interest , Uncommon Pursuits and Carvings , all available on Amazon . com . Over a hundred of his poems and short stories have appeared in literary journals and his work is frequently anthologized . Rachel Van Sickle holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Louisiana State University and completed a BA and MA in English from the University of Toledo . At LSU , she also worked as Assistant Editor for New Delta Review . She 's moved all over the country but currently resides in Georgia where she teaches ( or at least attempts to teach ) high school English . She has been lucky enough to meet unique people throughout her travels .

The day I was chosen by Fletcher , I had killed Civet . Sango and Chelo and I were playing with our barbañas - the small bows given to boys to play at hunting . Papa had been unhappy with me for killing the small sparrows that cluster like mice on thin branches . Like mice , they have no wisdom , no breath - spirit , he told me . That day , I was leader of our little hunting - party . I wanted to take away the shame I felt , so I called the hunt in the early hours , and we went , barefoot in the cool damp of early morning . I remember us being very serious , as only boys can be when they play at being men . Civet was coming home to sleep . We smelled him first . We trod the path lightly , the swish and crackle of leaves under our feet quieter than Leopard - Cat 's wake . Pulsing choruses of shrieking birds and hissing beetles masked our breathing . We were dark and invisible in the canopy - gloom , where dawn comes late in broken blue fragments from above . I took care to keep the clearing behind me , and well that I did , because when Civet returned to his home , dawn light filled his eyes with a blue - green glow and I saw him . I think it was because of that meeting that Fletcher chose me . There , beneath the slender bone - arms of the Batam - bush , Civet and I met for the first time as equals . I could see his shape against the broken sky above . One hand was raised , poised to take another step along the branch , and that 's when our eyes met , and he knew me and I knew him . He stopped for me and offered his breath - spirit to me like a mother gives her child nutmeats she has chewed herself . The spindly shaft , iron - tipped , sped true from the rickety little barbaña and caught him just below his chin , but he was already dead , having given his spirit to me with his eyes . I picked up the shaft , and Civet hung from the end . That is how I carried him back to our longhouse , holding him by the arrow buried in his neck , an ugly gap of red around the wound marring the pattern of his coat . His smell was strong like smoke , but animal and potent , and it surrounded us like the morning chorus , giving us the strength of his blessing . I was thrilled at my first real kill , and was looking forward to Papa 's praise , mother 's stew , and basking in the respectful gaze of Sango and Chelo , who were already looking to me as if I was Headman . Fletcher was waiting . We did not see him until he was right there in front of us . He was sitting on a rock in the clearing , his knees up under his chin , his old , creased face the skull of Death himself . Like Death , he watched me with cold , dark , patient eyes , and for a space of a few breaths , I felt apart in the world from the others . Only Civet , myself , and the arrow that joined us were real beneath the gaze of Fletcher . He stood slowly , unfolding from his seated position until he stood above us , looking down from the rock . He stepped down lightly and made a brief gesture to the others . Sango and Chelo ran back to the longhouse without a word . Fletcher looked at me , his head bent down , studying me and Civet . He paced around me , and I felt his eyes all over . I didn 't dare move . Then he squatted down and examined the arrow , running his finger along the shaft and touching Civet where it pierced his coat . He ran his finger through the blood . Then he looked up and asked me , " Did you make this ? " He touched me , then , right at the breastbone , where Civet had been pierced , making a small circle . I had never seen Fletcher this close . I looked into his headdress , which swept up over his head . His hair had been woven with feathers from the Red Macaw and the Orange Pangpang . His brow was bound by a bright cloth into which thin wires of gold had been woven . They shone in the early morning light from the mist above the canopy . He led me back , behind the thick stilts of the longhouse , to the small hut outside where he lived apart from the others . His two wives were outside the hut , coaxing the fire back to life from the embers . He waved them away and told me to take the arrow out of Civet while holding him over the fire . I did . The arrow was barbed and did not come out cleanly . A trickle of blood fell from the wound and hissed on the hot coals . The smell of cooking mixed with the musky smell of the animal , mixed with the smoke from the fire . He took Civet from my hands and gave him to his older wife , a woman almost as ancient as himself , telling her to prepare a feast with her own hands and her hands alone . Then he broke my arrow . He did it quickly , snapping it like a twig and throwing it into the fire . I wanted to stop him , but I knew I should not . Fletcher is the master of arrows , and all arrows are his , even the ones I make for myself . I listen , as I always do in the night . Maybe the liquor hides the Little - Men from me . Maybe there are no Little - Men . But I am still afraid in this mill - house . I feel them , I think , sometimes . I feel they are angry with me . Or maybe they are just angry . Someone is crying . It is Chelo . He cries because his mother is dying . The missionary said it is because she lived a bad life , and she must accept it . He must accept it . But it is the old logger that is to blame , I think . He put his death into her before it killed him . A woman should not outlive two husbands . It only takes a day , now , to reach the village by truck . With five days off from work , we decided to stay two days . Now I wish we had not gone . Yalai was there , still , with her shop . She will not speak to me anymore . But she will sell me rum . She is still cold in her eyes , as before . Cold and strong like the river . She will outlive me . She will outlive all of us . I don 't remember coming in last night . Chelo and I started drinking before we reached the logging - camp . He is mourning his mother . I can 't say what I 'm mourning . But it was I who bought the rum . I raise myself on my elbows . " Chelo , " I tell him in our own tongue , " be strong . She will live . You 'll see . You 'll be paid again next month , and then we can buy her more medicine . " The Murphy - the missionary in the village - would know . He is a healer , one of theirs they call " Doctor " . He knows about their illnesses . I roll over , facing away from Chelo . He still follows me , like he did years ago . Maybe there is a Little - Man in him that wants to remind me how I have failed . Maybe it is Fletcher 's death that waits in him . Waiting for his time to strike me from behind , like the arrow you never see , never hear . Fletcher never taught me to make arrows . But he showed me how to make the hunter 's bow . While his wife was preparing Civet for the feast , he took me to the longhouse . Mama was weaving on the boards of the high room where the morning sun came in . She was sitting in the sunlight , the weaving stick between her feet , humming a weaving - song . She did not see me enter with Fletcher , but kept pulling the cords and knotting them back and forth . Fletcher touched my shoulder and nodded his head at her , so I went to her to show her I had come back from the forest . First she touched the spot on my neck . She squinted at the shadow behind me . Fletcher was quiet . Mama was quiet , too . She stood up and rolled her unfinished cloth around the weaving stick . She did not look at Fletcher . I was too scared of him to say no . We walked a long way , along the ridge towards the high lauan trees . I watched his feet as he led the way . This I learned about Fletcher from walking with him that first time : when he walked , he moved with perfect precision . His feet thought for themselves , like the feet of Leopard - Cat . His legs placed every footfall exactly where it was best to step , like the legs of Mouse - Deer . His arms swam through the underbrush , gliding smoothly through the thicket like long - tailed Macaque goes through the branches above . His head scanned the forest , taking in all sights and sounds like wide - eyed Tarsier . But his body he held like a man , his torso and his chest never rising or falling , never tilting this way or that , always in balance . He must have been older than any man of the village , but he moved like a man half his age and twice as strong . He took me to the highest lauan tree that stood on the top of the hill above the longhouse , and had me sit . He gave me water from a gourd at his belt , and he gave me a leaf to chew . He called it kampar . It was strong - tasting and made me gag , but he had me swallow it all with small sips from his gourd . I coughed many times , and my nose began to run and my lungs hurt like I had breathed in smoke . I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the burning . Then he showed me how to make the Little - Man . He began to tap me on the chest where the blood was . He was singing , and my ears were ringing as I coughed . I thought I was coughing up a bit of stuff from my lungs , trying to clear them , but it fluttered in my chest like a live thing . Like a butterfly . I tried to cough it up , but it wasn 't in my lungs . It was in my chest somewhere , and just as I felt I couldn 't gasp another breath , something came out of me . It seemed to come out of my chest , not out of my mouth , but in my mouth there was a taste like blood . " Good , good , " he said , and patted my back until I could breathe again . My eyes stopped stinging , and I felt a calm come with the end of my coughing , like falling into your hammock after you have walked all day , toe - to - heel , on the forest - tracks . He made me sit on a root of the tree and rest . " No . You do not understand . Listen to me . When a thing gives its life . Chooses to give it . Civet gave you his life . You are a man , so his death is a man for you . A Little - Man that waits for you , waits for a chance to pierce you like he was pierced by your arrow . " He looked at me with those eyes . I stopped slapping the flies . Under those eyes I felt like a fly myself . He could just swat me down , and my death would take me away just like that . It would mean nothing to either of us . We talked for a while . He spoke slowly , in a gravelly voice . I asked him about the tree . He smiled and touched it , both of his dry dark hands clasped around the rough grey bole before him . " Many deaths live in this tree . Fletcher before me filled it with deaths . And Fletcher before him . It is full of deaths , this lauan . You will fill it with your deaths when you return from the hunt . And one day , if it is your fate , you will know a Little - Man has come to a youngster , and you will teach that one to put his deaths into this tree . " Soon the yellow - cap men will come out of the mess - hall and start up the great yellow machines . They are building again . This means they are first tearing down . Clearing . For now the rhythm of the birds and the hissing of the crickets and the cicadas and tree - frogs weaves around me . The music swells and fades like a vast pair of lungs , breathing in sleep . My heart stirs with their song , and I feel the spirit of Leopard - Cat still there , crouched in the darkness of my chest . Balthazar the cook gives me a two - handled stock pot , deep and heavy , filled with tailings and mash for the pigs . His back hurts him as he leans out of the back door and lowers it down to me . He complains , grinding his golden teeth as I take the pot off his hands . The dogs under the kitchen floor get up and follow me , but not all the way to the fence . I don 't think they like the smell of pig . I don 't , either , but it is better than diesel - smoke , which robs the body of its strength . I look around , but nobody is watching . Behind a board by the sty I have a cracker - tin . Inside I keep some money and my cigarillos . I can 't keep them in the dormitory , they get stolen , so I keep them here with some dried meat and a fire - piston . Only I feed the pigs , so my secret is safe , even the other tin , the new one . Before I dump out the pig - swill I light a cigarillo from the piston 's burning punk and blow the smoke into the roof of the sty so it doesn 't show in the mill - windows . The smell of tobacco wakes the pigs . They come running up , tails and ears bobbing , their little black eyes hungry . They remind me of someone , but before I can think who , Chelo calls me . He is calling me up the hill . I point to the stock pot with my chin . He shakes his head . He looks angry . No . He looks worried . He hunches forward and begins to run down the hill to me with little quick steps , his hands out , jiggling in the early light . He has grown fat here , in the mill camp . His chin wobbles . I know who I was thinking of , now . But that thought makes me worried , and I do not laugh . I stub out the cigarillo and pick up the pot as he reaches me . He calls me big - brother now and sometimes I call him little - brother , just like the villagers do . But it upsets me . More than Raul being hit would upset me , I know . Raul is a liar and a thief . I tell Chelo I suspect he has been selling the yellow - hats ' things to the villagers and maybe this time he was cheating them . Chelo grins and snorts with laughter . More than ever , he looks like a pig . I am afraid for him . Run , little - brother . Run away . But he does not . Seven years it took to make my bow . Fletcher and I tended the vine and made it grow into the right shape . When he and I hunted together , we would always go check on my vine before going to the hill to fill the spirit - tree . I had learned to make the Little - Man without kampar - leaf . I could feel each death in me . I had learned how to keep them in place so they would do me no more harm than the biting flies and I learned how to put them into the tree . But the days became harder . We had to walk further , then , to hunt . There were more villagers coming , and they often went into the forest , chasing away game with their boots and their rifles and their stupidity . Sometimes the villagers would come to the longhouse . Not often , but often enough that they learned the trade words : one , two , three , rice , knife , saltfish , yam , pork , cassava , taro , gold , glass , venison . Words like that . At first they had little to trade except gold coins and gold teeth . They were a poor people , and their hair was red and brittle because they were hungry and had nothing but millet . Later on , they had meat again because they brought their black buffalo from the down - lands . But before , during the hungry time , during those first years while I was waiting for the vine to grow , the down - landers were at war . The warriors of the North had killed them with great machines like dragonflies , and the villagers were afraid to go down to their old lands or to clear fields to raise cattle on . Chelo learned their tongue . He told me they were poor because there were too many of them to live in the village , and not enough for everyone to eat . They were bad hunters . We traded meat with them , because they were so bad at getting it themselves . That way , I gained a good steel knife that I used to make my bow . They said it was " steel from the legs of the sledge that moves itself " . Now I know they mean " spring - steel " , but then I did not understand . When I cut the vine and made my bow , I made it alone in the woods . I made several bows in the seven years before that . Each was better than the last , Fletcher said , but only the last one mattered . This bow was made from only one piece . It was cut with only one knife , and Fletcher warned me that if I should break it , or break the knife in making it , that I should never make another . That is how the Little - Men tell us our fate . Fate is for only one man at a time . That year , I almost took a wife . Or I should say she almost took me . Living with Fletcher , I did not go with the girls like the other boys did . So when it came time for me to take up my new bow , I had no woman to make the patum , the wrist - guard , from her hair . Yalai made mine and she came to me when I was alone with the knife and the bow was almost finished . Her footfalls were quiet , but not timid , and she kept her eyes high . I put down the bow and she knelt in front of me , tied on the patum to see if it fit . It did , and she laughed at her cleverness . " You must keep it now , " she said and went away smiling . The strength of her spirit warmed my heart . Chelo and I do not want to be drawn into some other kind of work , so when Foreman tells us we are not working today , we go up onto the hill to watch the yellow - hats bring down a big lauan tree . When the charges go off , there is a flash of fire that fades before a huge crack like thunder shakes the air around us . Every bird for as far as the eye can see rises up into the air at once . It looks as if leaves from every tree are falling up into the sky . For a second , the whole forest holds its breath . Fletcher used to say that Death comes with every breath . Every time we breathe out , the breath - spirit waits for a sign from Death . If we do not die , we breathe again . And again . And again . But one day , Death nods , and the breath - spirit leaves forever . I waited for the forest to breathe again . The tree starts to fall . Its shaft is perfectly straight , shattered on one side from the dynamite . I think of a feather , drifting softly down to the forest floor . But when it strikes a lesser tree , there is the shimmer of splinters flying , then the sound of smashing and screaming of wood . " Hey you . You guys . Hey ! " says a voice from behind . It is Tommy Dos Santos , from our work - gang . He is the only down - lander in the camp , tall and yellow - skinned . We watch him approach and say nothing . " Raul told me to find you , " he says , out of breath , when he comes close . I 'll never get used to how the villagers smell . Sour and bitter . Fletcher used to think it was from eating beef and palm - oil . But we all eat the same now , out of cans . Tommy still smells like a villager . Chelo puts a sulking face on , like the boy he will always be . " You can stay , Chelo , " I say to him . Stay , little - brother . Please stay . Hunting became very bad after I had my bow . The villagers had taken far too much game and we had to make a long trek every day . There was trouble , then , among our tribe . Some wanted to move the longhouse up past the Spirit - Tree Hill , closer to where the game was . Some wanted to hunt the villagers , and to chase them from the forest . One day , as we rested , Fletcher said , " If the tribe goes upland , we will find other tribes , other villages , and we will soon have to go upland again . And again . Then we will reach the green mountains where game is sparse . In your life , maybe your child 's life , we will be gone . We need to stay where we are . But if we fight the villagers , they will hunt us with rifles . " A long time he thought about this . All night and into morning . We went over Spirit - Tree Hill to the plateau and found a run where a great old boar had been rooting . We put cooked yams on a banana leaf on the ground every day . Every day , we placed them closer to the longhouse . " When hunting Pig , you must draw him to the place where you will kill him , " said Fletcher . On the seventh night , his wives led the dancing . We dug a pit down near the village , where the villagers hunted . He showed me how to knot the bark of the panaka - vine into rope and from rope into a net strong enough to hold Pig . He told me this was an up - lander net . Down - landers only made nets for catching fish . " The up - landers are good hunters , but they are foolhardy . When they hunt Pig with the arrow , too often the hunter is killed . Pig will hold on to his life until he has put his death into you . Then he will tear you open and take his death back . Unless you hit him just right , an arrow will not kill him , and he will not give you time for a second . " We waited for Pig . Quietly , so quietly I could barely hear him , he spoke . " Today 's hunt is different . We will not take a Little - Man to the tree . Instead , we will make him work for us . " " Game will no longer come here because the Little - Men swarm like biting - flies , " he said , " they are chasing away others of their kind . Pig will clear the Little - Men away . That is how Pig dies . Then the game will come back . " " No , Pig will never come again to where he was killed . He is too wise for that . Kill him , and you drive him away forever . " When Pig did come , the netting wrapped him tight . It took all our strength to drag him out . Fletcher showed me how to kneel on his shoulder and to push the arrow into the vessel in his neck . All the while , Pig kicked and screamed . It was the loudest scream I have ever heard in my life . My ears rang , even after Pig 's last blood drained out , taking his death with him . Fletcher told me this is why you must bleed a pig . To let the death out . Emmanuel the houseboy is missing , ever since last night . Balthazar swears he was in on the robbery , but I can 't believe it . Emmanuel is a calm man , young , and slight of build . When we left the longhouse he was half my height and he grew taller but not strong . There is no strength in him to swing a club , no fire in his heart to want to . " So why is he gone , then ? " Balthazar asks me . I try to imagine Emmanuel striking Raul with a club and I can 't . Emmanuel always apologizes , even when he has done nothing wrong . I remember being harsh with him when I was drunk . He just looked down , said no word . I told him to go away , to get out of my sight . He kept his head down and ran , like a little boy , away from me . We have neither seen nor spoken since then . I wish we had . I want to tell him I 'm sorry for making him run . I don 't know why I did it . I think of what Yalai told me , and I think I am becoming a wicked man . I say " yes , I do , " which is true . I bought them before I came to the camp , although I never wear them . I have a fine shirt and some good pants and shiny good shoes . I don 't want to say how I got them . " You need to wash up , though , " he says to me . This is also true . I smell of rum and sweat from the hillside . I ask where I am to go . He says , " Kitchen duty . Go to Balthazar . He 'll tell you what you need to do . " There are no dances when one hunts Leopard - Cat . Leopard - Cat is wise , and he listens at the edge of the firelight and listens to people talking . When Fletcher told me what we were going to do , he whispered it in my ear through his cupped hands . Then we made loud talk about how tired we were and how we were going right to sleep . That is how you fool Leopard - Cat . We met him by the stream that runs down from a seep on Spirit - Tree Hill . The moon was half - full , which is the right time to be hunting him . When the moon is full , he can see everything in the forest and will stay away . When the moon is dark , you will never see him , even if he walks beside you . But at half - moon , you can see him in the water and that is the only time you can kill him , because his Death is blinded by the sight of the moon on the water . It is like looking into the sun is to us , but when Leopard - Cat is thirsty , he will risk blindness for water . Fletcher and I had hunted so many years together that we no longer spoke . He knew what I was going to do before I did it , and I could feel him move before he moved . When we moved through the forest , our thoughts were mingled like breath , and like breath , we felt the other 's movements without seeing them . So when Leopard - Cat came to the water , I knew it was I who would be taking him . And then it happened the second time . I saw right into Leopard - Cat 's eyes and he knew me , and he gave me his life with his eyes . The shaft struck him between the ears , and like Civet , he was dead before the arrow pierced him . Fletcher saw what had happened , and the cold light of the moon on his face was terrible to see . And I understood something , then , that he never had to explain . Death was in Fletcher , like a Little - Man that had not been purged . Death had grown steady and patient and fat in Fletcher . His time had come . " Now you will carry the Little - Man of Leopard - Cat in you . Like Leopard - Cat , you will walk unseen and silent . No one will see or hear you , and you will deliver them their death . " " Remember , " he says , " always come from their right . Let them fill their cup on the tray and put in sugar or milk . Let them do it for themselves . That is what they prefer . " I nod . I almost want to laugh at how serious he is treating this . He sees my face , and he is troubled , more frightened than angry . " Listen to me . Without these men , there would be no camp . There would be no logging . These are the men that began this camp and many others . I have children , brother . I need these men . They feed my family , and without them , we would starve . " " There are a hundred camps like this , " he says in a whisper , " a hundred Balthazars . If they decide that they don 't like this camp , they could close it . Like that , " he says and snaps his fingers . " Don 't get me in trouble . Please . " I heard the noise of the helicopter coming from below ; I thought it was a night - spirit coming to take me to the house where they live . I had heard that noise once , in a dream . A Little - Man grabbed me once while I was sleeping and the noise was everywhere around me , like I was caught in a drum being played . I was terrified , and he shook me a long time before he let me go . Fletcher told me it was just a mischievous ghost and I should ignore it . But after that , I was frightened of the night - spirits , so when I heard the noise again , I got up quickly so he could not catch me . Then I noticed the noise was coming from outside the longhouse , not from a dream . I had just made it down into the light of daybreak when the first rockets hit . I am a logger . I have grown used to the sound of wood being torn apart by explosions , but this was the first time I had heard that noise . I believed the world was over . The world was over , in a way . I could not tell the difference between the scream of wood and the scream of the dying . Again and again the rockets came . Each one a burst of flame and a noise so loud I thought my bones would shatter . The longhouse was ripped apart behind me . Mama was screaming . Papa was screaming . Fletcher 's wives were screaming . Only Fletcher was not screaming . He stood at the mouth of his hut and looked up at the helicopter . He raised his arms to it and I think he was calling his Death . The hut around him burst into a ball of flame and I saw the old man fly from the door like a broken sheaf of branches . I ran to him . To him . Not to my mother and father . Not to the longhouse . I did not try to save anyone but him . I ran to the broken body of Fletcher and knelt by him while the helicopter flew off , happy and fat with our deaths . He was burned on one side and one arm was a broken tree - stump . But one eye was clear and one hand reached out to touch me where Civet 's lifeblood had been put on me . I leaned in and he whispered in my ear to tell me what I am . That 's when I learned I was never to be Fletcher . There would be no more Fletchers . Yalai found me there , long after sunrise . She had been calling for help , but no one came . She cursed me . She told me I was worse than an old woman . While I sat there , her little brothers had burned alive , and I had done nothing . Her shouting brought me to motion , but not to life . I helped her to get whoever was left out of the collapsed longhouse . Her mother was alive in there , but her father was not . I found my mother and father as well , but they had died . Sango was gone , too . Half of his face was smiling , the rest was cut away as if with a fine steel knife . I fainted to see this . Yalai kicked me awake again . Then we got everyone together and walked to the village . Coffee is over . I am waiting in the bar , pretending to wash glasses in the small sink there . Boss is with Chelo , speaking the yellow - hats ' language to a Company Man . The Company Man smiles . He looks satisfied and kind , but his eyes are small , black and shiny like Pig 's . He says something and walks across the room to another Company Man . Chelo and Boss step aside and start to talk quietly . Without looking at anyone , I step out of the room . But only partway . There is a small dark space near the door where I can stand out of sight at the edge of the room and listen . I listen to Boss . Boss is speaking the villager 's tongue , because he does not want the Company Men to know what he is saying . I understand most of it . He is happy I served coffee so well . He thanks Chelo for bringing me . Chelo does not say anything . Boss then says something I never heard before . He says that maybe all the logging camps will soon shut down , and the company men are here to decide if this will be so . They came here today because this mill is better than the others and they want to know why . Boss knows why . He says the Company Men think we are down - landers . Everyone knows down - landers are lazy . So he asks Chelo to have dinner with them . He needs Chelo to tell the Company Men that people from our tribe are happy the mill is here . Boss says it 's important that Chelo and I show that we are better men . Maybe Chelo will go back with the Company - men to their country , where he can tell everyone how happy our tribe is to have the camps . Then , when their countrymen all see we want the logging jobs , they will decide to keep the camps going . Boss then says maybe Chelo will be boss himself someday , with a mill of his own . But first he must show how happy we are that the Company Men are here . One tree at a time , Boss says . " One tree at a time clears the forest " , he says . I walk back into the room and Chelo and Boss stop talking . But they look at me . They are the only ones . I walk through the room and pick up the empty cups and put them on my tray . Nobody sees me , nobody notices I am there . Even in my white shirt and my shiny shoes , I am invisible . There were twelve of us left , and three were children . Of these , I carried one , and Yalai carried another and Chelo led the third by the hand . Everyone came out to see us . They stood in their doorways and watched us , eyes wide . When we explained what had happened , the big man of the village did a strange thing . He opened his mouth as big as it could go and bent over like he was going to be sick . Then he wiped tears from his eyes and welcomed us . He went to the main square and told everyone there to make us welcome and to spare us what they could spare , and to take us in if they could . Then he went back to his house and did not come out for some time . I wondered at that , but by nightfall , I understood from what I heard from the women talking with Yalai . The helicopter had made a mistake and thought the longhouse was the village . They had been spared , and now they owed us a debt that they did not want to pay , but they also could not refuse . For a while , we were given food and we were given shelter , but not happily and not for long , except for the Murphy , who took in the children . Yalai sold her gold bracelets , even the two I gave her , and bought a house for her and her mother to live in . Chelo 's mother left and married a logger only two days after we arrived . She told Chelo not to come to the wedding ; not to the logger 's house . Chelo was not to be her son anymore . The logger was jealous and did not want a stepson . We lived on the street in the village for a while , me and Chelo and the other men , until the winter rains came . Yalai invited Chelo to live in her house for a while . She had heard how he tried to see his mother , but his stepfather beat him and his mother did nothing . Yalai did not want me there , but Chelo did , so she let me sleep on the floor in the main room and let the other men stay , too . Chelo slept by my side . He clung to me close like a child for the first few days , and then he stopped talking for a while . None of us spoke much . Many people came through the village that winter . The war was ending , they said . They said that everyone was now " Citizens of the Prosperity Zone " . And when the New Year Moon was new , the villagers lit firecrackers and made the beast they call Dragon , which is their way to chase away the Little - Men that the war had made . Yalai gave the dragon - men money to do this in her house . Also , she only cooked beef now . No pork . No civet . I understood . She was telling us that she did not need us anymore . But I know she really meant me . She wouldn 't tell me to my face . She would only talk to me if I was with Chelo or someone else , and then she would talk to all of us at once . She never spoke to me as a person . Bile sat in my throat when she talked without looking at me . I left . We all did , but only Chelo stayed with me afterwards . After that , Yalai turned the house into a shop with rooms to rent . She bought and sold with the boat - men and she made a place for people to eat and sleep , but only if they had money . People were traveling again . Then there was talk of yellow - hat men in the forest . Even when people began to talk about the new logging - camp they were building , I never saw one of the yellow - hats until I went to their camp . They flew in with their helicopters and began logging . I sold my bow and I sold the skin of Leopard - Cat , and I sold my good knife . I bought good down - lander clothes and I hired a truck and I took Chelo with me to the new camp . It was the hardest thing I ever did , walking into that terrible mill . That mill made of white planks of the lauan tree cut from the tallest tree on the hill . From Fletcher 's tree . Walking through the doorway , Chelo behind me , I could hear the Little - Men buzzing like biting - flies . All those deaths , all those vengeful spirits . They filled the air . They filled me . But I was dead ; just as dead as they were , and it no longer mattered . They did not see me and they did not hear me . I had become nothing more than an arrow , flying blindly in the dark . " Keep the cover down until you 're ready to serve it . I don 't want any flies getting on the chicken , " says Balthazar as he hands me the tray . I nod . He trusts me now , and doesn 't watch me as I go out the door . Between the dining - room and the kitchen is the pantry . There is a door there to the outside , to the garbage - hut and the path down the hill to the pigs . Instead of walking past it to the dining - room , I turn into it with my shoulder . It opens out , the long spring chiming against the frame . Flies are so thick they darken the air . They swirl around me in the hot afternoon sun like Little - Men in the darkened dormitory . I run , holding the cover on the tray with my thumbs . Halfway down , my polished leather shoes skid on slick roots in the track . I fall , but catch the ground with one hand . Sauce slops out of the side of the tray and the lid nearly comes off . I remember who I am . I rise , balancing against the weight of the tray . My next footfalls are clean , precise , quick as Mouse - Deer 's , stepping from root to root until the track flattens out and I am again by the sty . I empty the tray over the fence . The pigs come running , crowding together , jostling as they wolf down the chicken - parts whole . I hear the little bones crack as they try to fill their mouths , trying to keep one another from getting any . Their squealing is the squealing of beasts proud of themselves , glad to be taking their fill . From behind the board , I get out the other tin , the one I put there last night . Everything is in it and ready . All I need is the lighter , the one Raul dropped when I hit him . I try it out . It is small , but the flame is high , and I feel the flame bite at the callus on my thumb . I am ready . By the time I make it back , Balthazar is looking for me . He is coming out the door , wiping his hands on the towel in his belt . When he speaks , his voice is a whisper so loud it might as well be a shout . His eyes are wide with anger and fear . His open hand quivers in the air like the head of a snake about to strike . I know he wants to hit me , but he is afraid to . My grin is fixed . I say , " Sorry , brother . I must go . I will explain later . " Cursing , he lets me by . He does not see the flies swarming around me , blacking out the edge of my vision . I go in . I push the tray through the double doors into the cool air of the dining room . I turn the bolt and pull out the key , letting it fall to the carpet . I turn and almost lose my nerve when I see Chelo . He is there , saying something to a Company Man . He looks like a boy at missionary - school , talking sweet to the Missus Murphy . There is a smile on his face that falls when he sees me watching . But it is too late to save him . I let the lid fall as the lighter flares in my hand . I rake the flame across the detonators and throw the tray onto the table as Leopard - Cat springs into the room . Sparks fly from short fuses . Dynamite scatters , rolling on the table , falling into the company - men 's laps . They rise , but they are caught here in my net .

My Dad had one of those jobs where from time to time we had to move because he was working for a National company and as he moved up their ladder - rather appropriate as they are a tool hire company - we would move to a different part of the country . That had happened a lot when I was younger as we seemed to move every year or so , but we had been settled in one place for about three years . Consequently , I 'd been able to build up a small group of friends and was also now doing well at school having for once spent some years at the same one . Then came the bombshell - we were going to be moving about two hundred miles to a place in Essex called Basildon . I looked it up on the Internet and it was supposedly a ' new town ' back in the 1950s or 60s , but it now looked rather like a lot of other places - pretty worn out . Still , there wasn 't really anything I could do about it . I was damn sure though it wasn 't going to be anywhere near as nice as Bristol where we currently lived . I was fifteen and there was no way I could leave school and I wasn 't the sort to run off . I honestly did love my Mum & Dad and they loved me and my two younger sisters but I didn 't have to be happy about it . I guess I was a real pain to live with right from the time Dad announced the move until we actually did it . And things didn 't improve any once we 'd made the move . I 'm about 5 foot 8 inches tall and quite slim - Mum says I need to eat more , but I 'm happy with how I am . I have dark brown hair and blue / grey eyes . My hair is fine and straight , long but not too long and I have a fringe that comes down almost to my eyes and then wear it long over both ears and round the back . I 'm lucky in that I haven 't suffered with the teenage curse of acne so I 've got clear skin which is pretty pale as I 'm not one for going out in the sun much . Neither am I into sports - except one and that is done indoors . I 'm actually much more into arts and books , although I know I 'm not good enough to make a living from painting but I 'm hoping to get to uni and take some sort of creative degree . As for the sport , well that is judo . I 've been doing it for some years now initially I guess because Dad did it and I went with him , but for the last few years I 've been going on my own to our local club . I 've progressed pretty well and reached green belt level . At least Basildon seemed to have a couple of judo clubs so I 'd be able to continue with that . I rather suspected that life at my new school in Basildon wasn 't going to be easy . At my age being the new boy can be difficult and I guess I do stand out a bit . I 'm not exactly emo , nor am I goth , more a mixture of the two - ' goemoth ' I call it . Most of my clothes are black , but I don 't go in for dyed hair like most emos do . What I do like to wear , but can 't at school , is studded leather . I 've got a couple of wristbands , a neck belt as well as a belt for my jeans and those I guess are the sort of goth part of my clothing . Not that the school has an actual uniform , but such accessories are banned . The first few days went off alright I suppose , not that anyone really spoke to me but then neither did I get singled out for any unwelcome attention . There didn 't appear to be any other emo boys around although there were a few girls , but I wasn 't really into girls any more than I was into boys . Thus far in my life sex had simply been wanking and dreaming , but if forced I 'd have had to admit that my dreams did feature boys rather than girls . For sure at my previous school and home I 'd had friends , nearly all boys , but nothing sexual had happened with any of them , not even on the occasional sleepover . I guess it was at the start of the second week that it all kicked off . I walked into the toilets at break and saw these three apparently older boys picking on one who was a lot smaller . ' Picking on ' is being kind as one of them was holding him with his arms pinned behind his back while the other two were taking it in turns to slap and punch him . I 'd seen the smaller boy before as he was actually in my set and took some of the same classes as me , so he had to be about the same age as me , but he was only just over 5 foot tall , plus from what I 'd seen he seemed to walk with a bit of a limp . He had black curly hair and wore glasses and certainly didn 't look the sort to start a fight . I shouted at them to stop and got told to fuck off and mind my own business in return , so I told them again to stop or I 'd make them stop . Of course they took that as a red rag to a bull and one of them stopped punching the boy and turned on me instead . I quickly put him on the ground and also dealt with the other attacker at which point the third one let go of the victim who dropped to his knees . I was wondering what to do about the one left standing when I heard a voice behind me shouting ' Stop ! ' It was one of the teachers . Of course I stopped at that point . What I didn 't know was that someone else had seen what was going on a few minutes earlier and had gone off to fetch a teacher . Had I known that I probably wouldn 't have done anything other than try to calm the situation down , but as it was I felt I had no choice but to intervene . When we left the Head 's office the trio went off in one direction and I found myself walking with Renouf back towards my locker to collect my gear . It turned out his was quite close to mine so we continued together but in silence . I couldn 't help noticing when he walked that he definitely had a limp . Eventually I decided I need to know a bit more about what I 'd got myself into . " You can call me ' Ren ' , Jake and thanks for what you did . Just sorry it got you suspended . Hope you aren 't going to get in trouble with your parents as a result . " So that was what we did . Over a couple of cokes he told me the history . It came out slowly at first and in bits and pieces but basically it boiled down to the fact that he was different and vulnerable . He 'd been born in France to a French father and mother , but when he was about 4 or 5 his father had walked out never to be seen again . In order to make ends meet his mother had taken in lodgers , one of whom was an Englishman who had gone over to France to work for a couple of years that eventually turned out to be about six . During that time this man and his mother had fallen in love and when eventually he had moved back to England Ren 's mother and he had come with him . " Jake , there are two main things . The first is my name - not my surname but my given name . When I started here I knew it would be a problem so I asked that everyone call me ' Ren ' , but one of the teachers he announced it in class one day - and after that it became something to taunt me with . " " I will tell you because they know but I will not show you . It is the reason , other than my limp , I do not do games or PE in order to keep it hidden . I was born with a deformed foot and although operations have much improved that I do still limp . That makes those activities virtually impossible , but what I keep hidden and what they revealed one day in the toilets when they took off my shirt is much worse . I have several large congenital melanocytic nevi on my chest and back . " To give him his due he chuckled at my reaction before explaining that they were a collection of quite significant size birthmarks of which he was ashamed and thus kept hidden . After they became common knowledge life at school had become pretty unpleasant for him . It turned out that when I had come across the group today the bullies had goaded him so much about them and tried to undo or remove his shirt to display them , that he had lashed out which then gave them the excuse to physically attack him . I really did feel sorry for Ren as he seemed to be friendless as well as victimised . Before we left the café we exchanged mobile numbers and I asked him where he lived . It turned out not be far from my house so we walked home together . He proved to live in quite an old but large detached house which was only about a quarter of a mile from the new estate where we had moved . I left him at the gate and cycled home where I had to explain to my Mum how I came to be home from school so early . She wasn 't happy about what had happened , not because of what I 'd done but because she considered I 'd been unfairly suspended and said she 'd talk to my Dad when he got home and get him to get the Head to change his mind . I told him it wouldn 't be worth the effort for a few days and promised that I 'd do some studying during the week and not just laze around . I wasn 't sure she believed me , but she did seem to calm down . I explained I 'd have to go downstairs first , which I did , and then explained to Mum who was calling and handed the phone over . A longish conversation followed and the two seemed to be getting on quite well . Eventually the call ended and Mum handed me the phone back . " Well , I must say you seem to have made a good impression with Mrs Renouf . She isn 't at work tomorrow and wants to meet you so she 's invited you to go round and spend the day there . Just behave yourself . " After breakfast the next morning I cycled round to Ren 's and met his mother . She seemed very French to me ; small like him , but slim and dressed very smartly compared to how my Mum usually looked when at home in a pair of jeans and a t - shirt or top - this was frock , tights and shoes with a heel plus perfume ! She expressed her thanks for what I 'd done to help her son the previous day and said that she hoped we 'd be friends as he was so lonely . Poor Ren , I could see him blushing as she was talking , but I 'd already decided that there was something about him I liked and it wasn 't just because he came across as a sort of sick puppy who needed caring for . There was something else about him that appealed and I was glad to have the opportunity to spend some time with him and get to know him better . After a while Mrs Renouf let us go off upstairs to his room , or as I found out it was actually rooms . In addition to his bedroom he had an en - suite bathroom with a shower and bath . Across the hallway from his bedroom was another room that he said he 'd show me later . All a bit different to my place where I just had a bedroom , admittedly of a reasonable size and with a small shower and toilet attached which at least prevented arguments with the rest of the family in the morning . While Mum & Dad also had an en - suite that left the main bathroom for the use of my two sisters . His bedroom had an old fashioned looking double bed with an iron frame and all the usual things such as TV and sound system . There was also a big armchair in which I sat while he sat on the bed . Conversation came quite easily I was surprised to find as he told me more about his earlier life in France and I told him about mine in Bristol and previous locations . We also found that we shared a similar taste in music and so when the chat lulled the sound system took over . After lunch we went back upstairs and Ren took me into the other room . I 'd been impressed with his bedroom but this rather blew me away . It was sort of set up as a studio for him to paint complete with easel and it had a large window that let in loads of light . He also had a desk there with a desktop computer set up and on a stand in the corner was a guitar . I asked him if he could play ; he said he could but not well . I asked him to play something for me which he reluctantly agreed to do and then proceeded to show that he wasn 't lying when he said he couldn 't play well - he was actually able to play much better than that . He had talent for sure which was reinforced for me when I persuaded him to show me some of his pictures . I was impressed . I thought I could paint but Ren was a lot better than me . He had a few still lives and also a few landscapes but a lot of his work was portraits that he had copied from photographs in magazines . They were really good and had a feeling of ' life ' to them . After I 'd looked at and admired his collection he very much surprised me by asking if I would sit for him so he could do a head and shoulders drawing . I sort of felt it would be rude to decline so agreed and found myself sat in a chair for an hour or so while he went to work . I have to say I thought the result was really good . Anyway , the day passed quickly . The following day was a Saturday and before I left I was invited to come back again by Mrs Renouf . Before I departed she got me to tell her our home phone number and that evening she called to speak to my Mum and invite the whole family round for dinner on the Saturday so we could all get to know one another . Of course I met Ren 's father during the day before going home to return later complete with my parents and sisters . They , my sisters that is , proved for once to be little charmers instead of pains and Mrs Renouf was very smitten with them . My Dad and Ren 's both turned out to be keen on golf , so it was arranged that on the Sunday they 'd go off and play with a view to Dad joining the club where Mr Renouf played . It was really quite amazing what seemed to be developing from my chance entry into the toilets a couple of days before . We got to the end of our week 's suspension all too soon ! Going back to school seemed a drag after being able to do what we liked for five days . I had a feeling that the bullies who had set on Ren might have retribution in mind so I told him I was going to walk to and from school with him each day . He told me it was unnecessary , but changed his mind on that when we saw them loitering with what looked like intent in an alleyway . All we got was some name calling which we both knew we 'd have to live with , especially outside of school . I really didn 't think they were likely to take me on again , but you never know . After we 'd been back at school for a week or so Ren asked me if I 'd like to spend the weekend at his place . He said there was a guest room that I could have or if I wanted to bring my sleeping bag I could use half of his bed for that . Up until this point I hadn 't thought about Ren in a sexual way and he hadn 't given me any indication that he was looking for anything more than a friend . As his Mum had commented to me the last time I was there - ' it has been good to see a sparkle back in his eyes since you have been coming here ' . And it was true ; with me he did seem to be a very different person to the quiet withdrawn one at school . Moreover my Mum had told me that for the last few weeks I had become happy once again and ceased moaning about the move from Bristol . I guess that had to be true and for sure I wasn 't any longer spending ages on the phone texting or talking to some of my friends from back there . Life did seem to have moved on . I did have a sleeping bag from when I 'd been in the scouts a couple of years back . It had very nearly got thrown when we moved but I 'd decided to hang onto it - some sixth sense perhaps . So I told him that was what I 'd do . Mum raised her eyebrows a bit when I told her but I gathered Ren 's Mum was quite happy for us to do whatever we wanted . That Friday evening Mum dropped me round there and after a meal with her and his Dad we went up to his room . We had a great time playing computer games and then watching some horror movies until the early hours . Finally we got to the point where neither of us could keep our eyes open so we decided it was time for bed . I let Ren go in the en - suite first and he emerged wearing a black t - shirt and a pair of black boxer briefs . I had wondered if he was going to let me see his upper body but evidently not . At home I slept nude but had decided it would be sensible here to sleep in at least a pair of boxer briefs . By the time I emerged after cleaning my teeth Ren was already in bed . I wasn 't sure but I thought I caught him checking me out as I clambered into the sleeping bag and that notion stayed with me for some time as I lay there waiting to go to a sleep that was reluctant to come . I kept wondering exactly what was so gross about these congenital nevi that he had to keep them hidden from even me who seemingly , was now his best , indeed only , friend . Ren was awake before me the next morning and I only woke as he emerged from the en - suite fully clothed . I struggled out of the sleeping bag and stretched as I stood up realising that I had a morning wood as well as a need to piss . I was sure I caught him having a surreptitious glance at me as I did so . After I 'd done the necessary we went downstairs for breakfast - continental style of course which I was becoming quite used to and finding a pleasant change from my usual bowl of cornflakes . It was while we were eating that his Mum dropped her little surprise by saying that she and Mr Renouf were going out for the day but would be back in time to cook us an evening meal , adding that she was sure we could survive for the day on what was in the fridge . When we got back upstairs I asked Ren if he had known about them going out for the day . He smiled and wouldn 't give me a direct answer so I suspected he had - not that I minded . We spent some time talking in his room before he said that he was in the mood to paint so we went next door . Once we 'd got there and he 'd got his stuff together he asked , " If I 'm going to be any good as a painter I need to be able to paint bodies . I can see them in pictures or photos , but it isn 't the same as having a model in front of me . Please , Jake . Nobody would ever know . And yes , it sounds weird but there is nobody else I could ask . " I could sort of see his point . We didn 't have live models at school and certainly not nude ones and somehow there was something in the request that appealed to my vanity . I 'd never thought of myself as being a model for a painting or anything else , but I did consider I had a reasonable body and was not that bad looking . I was bothered that I 'd pop a boner , but like he 'd said it was only going to be him and me ; I wouldn 't be modelling for a room full of people . Ren explained that he wanted me just to stand in front of him initially with my arse towards him so he could get an outline to start with . I stripped off without going hard , or at least not noticeably so , and Ren kindly agreed that I could keep my socks on as it was only a wood floor which was quite cold . However , once I 'd taken everything else off I decided standing there in just my socks felt stupid so those came off too . Then I had to stand side on and finally the turn I 'd been dreading when he asked me if I 'd turn and face him . I put my hand in front of my stuff before I turned and I was trying hard not to start giggling as I could see him trying hard not to look there , so in the end I took my hands away , stuck them on my hips and stood there as my prick slowly started to grow . Now Ren couldn 't help looking and I saw him having to adjust his own gear inside his trousers . " It would be a lot easier if the model would keep still " he retorted as he got up , picking up an unused paintbrush as he did so and walked towards me . The little bastard stopped a few inches in front of me , looked up at me with a big grin and proceeded to tickle my prick with the bloody paintbrush ! My prick and I found that very exciting and I quickly dropped my pose and ran across the room only to be chased by Ren wielding his paintbrush and tickling any part of me he could reach . Eventually we calmed down and he asked me if I 'd do one final pose for him . I suspected that when he used the word ' final ' it only meant final for now as opposed to final for ever , but I agreed . This time he wanted me to sit in an old leather armchair and position my legs so that while neither my prick nor my balls were showing there was some pubic hair exposed to view . As he 'd already discovered I had quite a decent sized bush of black hair . While I was getting into position I felt this was more erotic than just standing in front of him and I was glad he couldn 't see my prick as I was definitely hard sitting there . I sat there for a good length of time while he was engrossed in his painting and was getting to the point where I needed a piss when Ren asked if he could take a photo so he 'd have something to refer to when he came back to the painting later . By this point in our relationship I trusted him enough to agree . Once he 'd taken the pic on his phone I dashed off to have a piss . I was a bit surprised when I came out of the en - suite , still naked of course - to find him now lying on the bed on his back with his hands behind his head . I suppose I could have walked round the bed and gone into the other room to get the clothes I 'd left there or I could have gone into my backpack and found something to put on , but I didn 't . Because of the past few hours ' modelling ' I was no longer bothered about being naked in front of Ren . Instead I threw my sleeping bag off the bed and clambered onto it ending up on my side more or less next to Ren . He opened his eyes , turned his head towards me and smiled . " Jake , I can 't . Not today - one day perhaps . But you 've just shown me your beautiful body , all perfect and unmarked . To show you mine would be like putting the Mona Lisa alongside a little kid 's drawing . " With that one word I reached a decision . I quickly moved to straddle him sitting across his knees and thighs and then undid the studded belt that was holding up his black jeans . He tried to stop me , but I swatted his hands away . He cooperated in allowing me to pull his jeans down towards his knees . I could feel myself getting hard at what I could see which was a definite indication that Ren 's prick was also growing under those briefs . I ran my hand across it and he shivered ; I leant forward and kissed it and he groaned . There was no stopping now and with no resistance or objections from him I pulled his briefs down to free his prick . He didn 't have anywhere near as much hair as me and his prick was shorter , not much about four inches currently and pretty much as hard as it would get I reckoned . Like me he was uncircumcised and the head was part way out of the foreskin , glistening slightly . I put a finger on it and it twitched ; I put two fingers on and pushed the foreskin down a little further . I could hear little noises coming from Ren . I 'd never done anything like this before , but of course I 'd watched a few porno vids in my time so I wasn 't unaware of what to do and anyway it was pretty much the same as wanking my own prick I told myself . And then I surprised myself by leaning forward and kissing the tip . Ren made a startled noise and started to move but I said something to him and he settled down again . Now I kissed down its length in front while feeling and caressing his balls with my hand . I stuck out my tongue , licked the head and tasted a slight saltiness which I figured must be precum and then I was licking up and down the length which I was sure was increasing - and maybe it was as now all of the head had emerged from his foreskin . Then holding the base of his prick with two fingers of one hand while still feeling and slightly squeezing his balls with the other , I opened my mouth and guided his prick into it , keeping my lips as closed as possible . Ren was now getting quite voluble in his enjoyment of the sensations he was feeling as I drew his prick in and out in a gentle rhythm . Suddenly I felt his body stiffen and he tried to withdraw his prick but I held it in place . He spurted once and I felt his cum go into my throat and almost gagged , but managed not to as two more spurts followed . Now I had to let him go and his prick dropped back onto him where some further dribbles slipped from it while I tried , not totally successfully , to deal with what he had given me . I 'd expected it might taste gross , but it wasn 't that unpleasant and definitely worth experiencing again . I remained kneeling above him . I hadn 't been able to keep all of his cum in my mouth and I wiped some off my chin and onto my own prick . That was a mistake I decided as I was almost ready to cum myself without the extra sensation that produced and I was glad when Ren spoke to take my mind off it . I looked at him . His eyes were sparkling like diamonds . It might have been tears , but if so they were tears of pleasure judging by the smile that lit up his face . " Yes ! I wish to hide nothing from you ever again . If you do not like what you see , so be it , but I will take that chance . " He was wearing an old black cotton button up style shirt . I leant forward and undid the buttons from the bottom to the top , but leaving the shirt closed . He sat up and it began to fall open but I only had eyes for his face . His head came towards me and he kissed my lips while one of his hands touched my prick . As he did so I felt a surge go through me and knew I had ejaculated - a single touch had been all that was necessary . A bridge had been crossed in our relationship . That night the sleeping bag wasn 't slept in and we snuggled up together naked in the bed . Ren had been right in what he 'd said about his back having more nevi than his chest , but they simply didn 't bother me . Yes , they came as a shock when I first saw them , but to me they were just a part of him the same way as he had curly hair rather than straight . That night Ren insisted on giving me a blow job . I found out some time later that he had lived a very sheltered life as he 'd never watched a porn video so knew nothing about such things . He 'd simply tossed himself off from time to time , but much more regularly since we 'd met . So the first one wasn 't very satisfactory for either of us , but his technique quickly improved . The school summer holidays were soon on us . Ren and his parents went off to France for two weeks while we went off to Orlando and Disney World . My sisters thought it was fantastic ; I thought it was alright but really couldn 't wait to get back and see Ren again . Fortunately as he departed a week before we went that did mean we were only apart for three weeks rather than four . We could hardly wait to see each other when I got back and I 'm sure that by this time both sets of parents were aware of the relationship that had developed between us . Up to now though we hadn 't taken it any further then what had occurred that first day . But by the time I got back from Orlando I knew that I loved Ren and I wanted to prove that to him , always assuming he felt the same way . Any doubts on that score vanished immediately I walked into his house on the early evening of my return when he wrapped his arms round me and we kissed in front of his mother , before we headed upstairs . I was momentarily stunned . I 'd felt that our relationship was heading in that direction , but I hadn 't wanted to push the issue fearing that Ren didn 't have the same depth of feeling for me as I had for him . How wrong could you be ? " Never been more certain of anything in my life . I 've ached for you these last three weeks but I haven 't even tossed myself off . I 've saved everything for you to suck from me - afterwards . " I 'd missed him in the same way and I knew my parents had thought that at times I wasn 't enjoying the holiday . It had been alright , better than alright really , but there had been something missing . Something I had found again once I 'd walked into Ren 's house . We wasted little time in undressing each other . I had spent as little time as possible in the sun so was still pretty much my normal pale colour and of course Ren never took his shirt off outside . Then we went into the en - suite which was equipped with a shower over the bath thus enabling both of us to get into the bath and wash each other from head to toe going via every possible intermediate point . I was a little surprised that neither of us came while doing so , but it seemed we both had our minds set on the greater prize to come . Ren lent over and opened the drawer of his bedside cabinet to extract a tube of K - Y Jelly . He unscrewed the cap , squeezed a liberal amount onto his fingers and then spread it on my prick . Boy I nearly came just feeling him do that , it had been so long . Then he handed the tube to me saying , " No , Ren . I don 't want you like that . If I 'm going to make love to you I want to see your face as I do so . " Poor Ren looked at me all perplexed . It dawned on me that his research had been very limited and he had assumed there was only one possible position . I explained to him that if he lay on his back he could then either raise his legs and hold them up or perhaps even rest them on my shoulders . That would mean I could come into him and we could look at each other while I did so . He was overjoyed when he worked that out and immediately moved to lie on his back and lifted his legs . I got some K - Y on my finger and spread it round his hole before getting a further quantity and very gently trying to insert my finger . He jerked as I did so . " No , Jake . I want you feel you inside me . If it hurts then it hurts , but I know you don 't mean to hurt me so it doesn 't matter . Keep going . " And that was just what I did . With some gentle rubbing I eventually managed to get him to open enough for one finger to go inside and after a while he accepted two . My prick isn 't that thick so I reckoned two fingers would be sufficient , but I didn 't want him closing up again I removed just one before lubricating my prick again and gently inserting it alongside the one finger . That seemed to work and as my prick slid in a little further I removed the finger . Now I could rock gently forward and back getting my prick in a fraction further . He 'd grimaced a few times and groaned on a couple of occasions when suddenly the resistance ended and I was inside . We both exclaimed ' Wow ' at the same moment . Now it felt like I belonged and we both relaxed to enjoy the sensation but after a short pause I pushed further leading Ren to swear , something he rarely did . I hadn 't forgotten - how could I as I 'd occasionally looked at his prick standing hard and inviting as mine had found its own new home . Now I was going to have the pleasure of sucking him off . It didn 't take long as he was more than ready as soon as I took it into my mouth and boy , had he accumulated a load during those three weeks . I 'd got pretty good I thought at being able to swallow his ejaculations but this one took me by surprise . We agreed on that but roused ourselves enough to go and have a bath and shower to clean up . After that we got back into bed and spooned together with Ren behind me . I guess I must have gone to sleep but I came to feeling his hard prick between my arse cheeks . It wasn 't dark because we 'd left the bedside light on . It didn 't hurt as much as I 'd expected when Ren came into me . He got his fingers in quite easily and while he struggled a bit with his prick it finally passed through the gates . It was bliss feeling him inside me and when he hit my prostate I too saw stars . By the time he came , which wasn 't that long , I was hard myself as I 'd been stroking my prick while he 'd been inside so after he slid out I couldn 't wait for him to suck me off - which was also ecstasy . One Friday evening though Dad offered to take the pair of us to Southwold for the day . I 'd never heard of the place and when he said it was on the coast I had images of somewhere grotty like Weston super Mare where I had been or Southend that I 'd heard about . Dad said it was different and he thought we 'd like it and it might give both of us some ideas for our paintings . The weather was great that day and we were both blown away with the place when we saw it . It was ' oldie worldie ' but not ridiculously so with a pier and a front to walk along . We both took lots of pictures and I had in mind to paint the sea with sunlight glinting off it and the pier in the background , although I knew I couldn 't do it justice . We had lunch in a nice restaurant and then resumed our walk , finally finding a bench to sit on and look at the sea . That was when Dad asked the question . Looking back I suppose it was odd he 'd ask me while Ren was there , but in many ways it made sense . By now we both knew how we felt about each other and saw no point in keeping it hidden . So , Dad got the answer I knew he was expecting and all he said was that he and Mum hoped we 'd be very happy . We were out , or at least I was and Ren said he was going to tell his parents when he got home . Dad assured him he wouldn 't have any problems which rather indicated that the golfing partners had been talking about us while on the course , apparently without putting them off their game . When we got up from the seat I found Ren 's left hand and linked my right one to it . We walked the rest of the way hand in hand . The first week we were back our Art teacher , Mr Gladwell , set us a project for the half term . We had to paint or in some way depict the object that meant the most to us . I was staggered when on the walk home from school that afternoon Ren said he was going to paint me ! " Thank fuck for that ! I expect it 'll bring the gay bashers out anyway , but I reckon we can deal with them if we have to . What am I going to paint though ? " Ren decided that for his portrait of me I had to be dressed in a specific way . He wanted me to wear the studded leather wrist bands , but not the studded leather choker as he said people might decide that made me look like a slave ; black trousers and a short sleeve black shirt I had that was decorated across the chest with two identical sort of geometric designs done in a bright light blue colour . All of that was fine with me as I really liked that shirt and had never seen another one like it . But when I put those on at his house the next Saturday morning ready to model for him , he had a surprise for me . I had no idea where he 'd got them ( he told me later he had found them in a shop in France while they were on holiday ) but he handed me a pair of what I suppose were fingerless gloves that were made of a sort of net and with a studded leather wristband . They were amazing , but I couldn 't see how he could possibly paint them as they were so detailed . That weekend and a couple more passed with me either modelling for him or trying to produce my own painting . He refused to let me see my portrait , but I was quite happy for him to see my depiction of the school . Of course we were still sleeping together at the weekends and neither of us could paint for eight hours at a time so we had to do something to relax and unwind . The half term seemed to be flying past and Ren still hadn 't finished the portrait to his satisfaction although I 'd completed my picture of the school . It was Friday morning and I was looking forward to spending another weekend with Ren while sitting at the kitchen table at home eating my bowl of cereal , when the phone rang . I knew it wouldn 't be anyone for me on the house phone so left Mum , who was struggling to get my sisters ready to go to school , to answer it . She seemed to be on it for quite a time and when she walked back into the kitchen she looked very pale . She told my sisters to go and get in the car before coming to sit down beside me at the kitchen table . She put her arm round my shoulder and I knew something was wrong . And now the tears came . I threw Mum 's arm off and dashed up to my room . I hurled myself onto my bed and howled like a wolf while punching the pillow and swearing and cursing everything and everyone . Mum sensibly left me there , took my sisters to school and phoned mine to say that I wouldn 't be in for a few days . By the afternoon I 'd recovered enough that I persuaded Mum to come round to the Renoufs with me so I could say something , however trite , to Ren 's Mum and Dad . It had dawned on me that however badly I felt they must be feeling much worse . Naturally when we got there we all had a further cry and Mrs Renouf explained that Ren had told her he would be up late as he wanted to put some finishing touches to the painting so she wasn 't that surprised when he didn 't come down for breakfast and she had to go up and wake him . And that was when she found she couldn 't wake him …… . She also explained that there would have to be an Autopsy to discover the cause of his death so the funeral would probably not be for a couple of weeks . She then asked me if I wanted to see the painting , but I asked if I could leave it until another day . I just wasn 't in the right mood , which she understood adding that neither she or her husband had seen it as they felt Ren would have wanted me to see it first . The Autopsy result came through after a few days . It turned out that Ren had a problem with his heart that had never been detected and had displayed no symptoms . I had to wonder though if he had somehow sensed there was something wrong and that was why he was so anxious to finish the painting . Once I knew how he 'd died I was ready to see the painting , but I wanted his Mum & Dad as well as mine to be there when I did . It felt strange going into that room where he and I had spent so much time but I was glad the painting was there rather than his bedroom as I didn 't feel I could have faced going in there . Oddly he had left the painting covered with a sheet which again added to my feeling that he had sensed something , or it could just have been that he wanted to make a little drama by dramatically pulling off the sheet when he let me see it . It was decided that I should be the one to remove the sheet and when I did so I was stunned for a few seconds and heard gasps from the others before I burst into tears once more . He had done an amazing job of depicting me and yet it wasn 't me . The person in the picture had a smile on his lips and a sparkle in his eyes and that wasn 't how I looked now . Why had he left me alone ? Why hadn 't he done a self - portrait ? Suddenly the dam broke and I started crying again . I couldn 't stand to look at the picture any longer , ran from the room and dashed into Ren 's bedroom . I threw myself onto his bed hoping maybe to find some trace of him still there . I beat my fists into the pillow , sobbing and babbling incoherently . A little while later I half heard someone come into the room and felt a hand stroking my hair and making soothing noises . I thought it was my Mum but then I recognised the perfume and knew it was Ren 's . She continued to speak to me and slowly I calmed down enough that I was able to sit up on the bed and put my arms round her while she had hers round me gently stroking my back and neck . " Oh , Jake . I 'm sorry - I hadn 't thought how hard it would be for you to see that painting , but it is beautiful . He captured something that is going to last . " " Jake , we don 't want to lose you . I know it will take time , but do come and visit us whenever you like . Perhaps eventually you 'll feel up to using the room for your own painting ; it would be a shame for it to never be used . " We clung together for a while longer as I took in what she had just said . She 'd accepted me as her son 's lover and now he had gone . I knew I 'd be coming back - often - and maybe that way something of Ren would still be with me . Now today it is his funeral . There is a small delegation attending from the school comprising the Head , Mr Gladwell our Art teacher and for some fucking stupid reason I can 't work out , the teacher who let out Ren 's first name and thus made his life a misery . Plus there 's a handful of girls and boys from our set ; the girls of course all teary even though they hardly ever spoke to him . I said I couldn 't go into the Chapel as I knew I just break down in tears during the service . So I 'm stood outside . I 'm wearing the clothes Ren wanted me to wear for the portrait and I 'm holding a single Arum lily . When they start to lower his coffin into the ground I 'm going to place that on top of it although I wish it could be me rather than just a flower . Oh , I 've just realised - I 've not told you Ren 's Christian name . When he told me what it was I promised him I 'd never tell anyone else , but he 's dead now and nobody can ridicule him about it so I guess it doesn 't really matter . Anyway , you 've probably guessed by now that it was Lilian . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . Please take a few moments , if you liked the story , to say so . [ For those who use webmail , or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead : Please right click the author 's name . A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system ( Hotmail , Gmail , Yahoo etc ) . Each browser is subtly different , each Webmail system is different , or we 'd give fuller instructions here . We trust you to know how to use your own system . 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A few years back a couple in their early 40 's came in with a tired , rundown old caravan dating back to the 70 's . It was a big old beauty but it was in very bad condition . Tony got to work on it nonetheless , optimistic about its eventual restoration . Working in the yard one day I could hear Tony calling my name from his workshop . I made my way into the shed wondering what all the fuss was about . I couldn 't see Tony anywhere so I called his name loudly . His head popped out the door of the old van with a perplexed look on his face . Then it was my turn to be confused . Tony went on to explain that while he 'd been working on the van he 'd heard me calling him . He said it sounded as though I was right behind him in the van , but when he turned around I wasn 't there , so he went back to his work . A couple of moments later he said he 'd heard me call his name again , then again . That was when he 'd called out to me . The following morning I headed into town and didn 't return until early evening . Tony had closed up his workshop ( strange within itself ) and was waiting for me in the kitchen upon my return . He looked more than just a little rattled . " You were calling me again today , " he stated before I 'd even had a chance to put my handbag down . He continued , " I kept feeling like someone was watching me all day . Every time I went near the old van I kept getting the feeling that I wasn 't alone . And I 'd get myself a tool to do something , but the moment I put it down it was moved or disappeared completely . I found my screwdriver up on one of the cabinets and I know I never put it there . Took me half an hour to find it . " The caravan was near completion and I was curious to take a look for myself . Tony was busy fitting new lights to the outside of the van so I took myself inside and sat on the newly refurbished couch . I can 't really explain what I felt or why , but within a few moments I felt a cold chill run right through me and I shivered involuntarily . I also got the feeling that someone was watching me from the moment I stepped inside . As much as I was determined to stick it out , I just felt so uncomfortable that I was forced out of the van . All I really know is that there was something strange about that old caravan and both Tony and I were glad to see it finally finished and out of the workshop . When the owners arrived to pick it up they were over the Moon about the job Tony had done on their own van . . . but hadn 't been able to find out the origins of the van or any information about its history . I don 't think I really want to know anyway . I 'm just pleased nothing like that has happened to us since . We went our separate ways after our catch - up and I made my way to the train station , stopping briefly at my favourite bakery before heading home . I plugged in my earphones to call my boyfriend to tell him I 'd be a little and late and not to worry . I was busy chatting away when I approached the pedestrian boom - gate next to the tracks . I 'll admit that I wasn 't really paying much attention , so I casually glanced to my right after the first train passed , oblivious to the other train coming the other way on the other track . I just blindly went to step out . But something held me back . I couldn 't move my arms or legs and I felt totally rooted to the spot . I couldn 't move a muscle . It was like something or someone had me in a full body hold . In a flash the trained rushed passed me and I felt the wind gushing harshly against my face and body . It scared the life out of me and my heart was beating in my throat when I realized how close I 'd come to being hit , and possibly killed , by that speeding train . Somewhere halfway through New South Wales we 'd stopped for a break and some lunch . We 'd pulled off the highway near an irrigation channel and a few of us decided to take a dip . The fast - flowing current was pretty strong so the others quickly got out . I was an over - confident swimmer and was sure I could easily swim against the current . I ducked under the water and felt my body being swept quickly along with the current . As I tried to surface I hit the top of my head against something hard and everything was dark above me . I realized that I 'd been swept under the concrete bridge that ran over the channel and there was no gap between the rushing water and the bottom of the bridge . I bobbed back down and swam frantically against the current , trying to swim beyond the bridge . I tried to surface again only to hit the top of my head on the bridge . I was quickly running out of air and energy and I began to panic . I kicked out frantically and in a last - ditch effort tried to swim free of the bridge again . Then I felt someone grab my hand firmly and focused my eyes on a figure in the water in front of me . I was totally bewildering because I could clearly see the figure of a woman in a floating gown and she was lit up somehow , but she didn 't seem to actually be in the water . . . she just seemed to be floating with the strong current not affecting her in anyway . She just looked vibrant , calm and serene under the rushing water . . . but I could feel myself starting to fade to darkness the longer I was stuck under the water . Sitting up and looking upstream I could see my family frantically scrambling around the bridge and my mother being consoled by her sister , my aunt . I yelled out and my Dad spun around then ran towards me . I was still disoriented and couldn 't cohesively explain what had happened , but everyone agreed that I was safe , and that was the main thing . I still don 't know how I ended up on the bank some way downstream , but I do believe that what I saw under the water that day was my guardian angel and I can 't thank her enough for saving me from drowning that day . Our near - new television set started flickering when we watched it at night , then it stopped working altogether . I sent it off to be repaired only to have the repairman ring me a few days later to tell me that my TV was in perfect working order and not a problem could be found . So I got it back and it worked again for a couple of nights until it went blank and shut down . I took it to a different repair shop , and exactly the same thing happened . Nothing wrong with it . Within a fortnight our washing machine , dryer and stereo all broke down unexpectedly . My cat Chloe also started behaving strangely . She had always been a very loving and relaxed cat , but I noticed that she seemed spooked most of the time and didn 't like to spend time inside the house . Chloe would sit staring at nothing and would occasionally hiss and spit and lash out at something ( or someone ) that we just couldn 't see . She seemed tormented and unsettled all the time so I ended up giving my beloved Chloe to my sister Sarah , where she settled in straight away and quickly went back to her old happy , loving ways . Not long after Chloe 's departure we started hearing all sorts of noises , banging , footsteps and metallic - sounding scratching and tinging . At times I would notice random unexplainable cold spots around the house . We also developed problems with the door and window locks . I 'd o out during the day only to come home to find the front door with open , knowing I 'd securely locked it . At other times I would go to get the mail or hang out the washing only to find I 'd been locked out of the house . Even when I 'd chocked the door open , somehow it would close and lock . I started having to carry a set of keys around with me when I was home . The windows seemed to have a mind of their own and I 'd find them open or closed at any time , knowing that I hadn 't touched them . We 'd often hear banging on our bedroom walls and ceiling and doors opening and closing throughout the house . Night times were eerie and creepy and I dreaded Jayden 's night time feeds . I often felt very uncomfortable during the day when I was home alone with little Jayden . I 'd get the sensation that someone was watching me , and I 'd feel the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise every time . I particularly felt self - conscious when I was showering and changing my clothes . It really gave me the creeps . I got up early one morning and checked on Jayden before making my way into the kitchen . Once there I was confronted with my pots and pans on the floor and all the draws left open . I set about picking up the pots and putting them back in the cupboard , but as I 'd put one in , another would fall off the shelf as though an unseen hand was pushing them off . This was happening right in front of me and as much as I tried to hold onto my resolve I ended up fleeing the kitchen and hiding in my bedroom . I rang Mark at his work and told him I 'd had enough and wanted out of the house . Now . I 'd begun to feel more and more uncomfortable and safe and feared for all of us . I also rang my friend Gina later that day and gave her an update on our creepy happenings . She told me to leave it with her and she would get back to me later . The following day she called me back with the name and number of a local medium and ghostbuster . I rang and arranged for her to visit as soon as possible . Within a couple of minutes of the medium entering my home , she commented that a young man in his late teens or early twenties was loitering but did not wish to communicate with her . The medium persisted and walked from room to room . She stopped in Jayden 's room and from the kitchen I could hear her quietly speaking out loud . Some time later the medium came back into the kitchen and told me that she had tried to reason with our not - so - friendly ghost and convince him to go towards the light , but he had adamantly refused and had told her that he had no intention of leaving . This was ' his ' house and he 'd be staying whether we liked it or not . So , if he refused to leave , then we certainly would . I made arrangements to move into my parent 's spare room right then and there . The first day we had a look at the old gold mines and shafts and did a bit of a tour of the area . I didn 't like going into the old mines because they were unsafe and creepy . I was happy to wait out the front while Geoff and Dave went in for a look . Dave was sure he was going to find a rogue gold nugget and Geoff was always the first one to give anything a go . It was about 11pm and I was ready to head into my swag for the night . Geoff and Dave were doing the same . Once settled we called out to one another , laughing and joking around . I could see the silhouette of someone standing by the campfire . I thought it must have been Dave , but then I heard his voice coming from the tent beside me . So it must have been Geoff , so I yelled out and asked him what he was doing . " Lying in bed " he told me , his voice coming from the tent to the right to me . So with all three of us in our tents who was out there standing by the fire ? ? I didn 't want to get out of my swag , but my curiosity got the better of me . I was scared but just couldn 't help myself . Peeking out through the zip on my tent , I saw an old bloke with a long , stringy grey beard , wearing a tattered flannel shirt . But I couldn 't see below his knees or his feet . All I could see was his head , torso and thighs . I screamed in shock and fright . The figure turned and looked at me then faded away to nothing . I couldn 't believe my own eyes . One moment the old man was there and the next he was gone . I stuttered and stammered and tried to describe what I 'd seen . The guys just looked at me like I was an idiot . ' Bullshit ' was the general consensus . The entire following day the guys ribbed me about my ' old man ghost ' . At every possible opportunity they stuck the boots in . I was so buggered that night that I went to bed not long after dinner , leaving Geoff and Dave by the fire . I bombed out pretty quickly , but was woken up some time later by the sound of Dave yelling . I sat up in my swag a bit disorientated . Then I heard Geoff shuffling around in his tent . Next thing I knew my tent zip opened and both Dave and Geoff bundled in . " I saw him , " Dave blurted out . " So did I " replied Geoff . It took me a moment to register who they were talking about . Then they described exactly what I 'd seen the night before - an old bloke with a stringy grey beard and a flannelette shirt . And just like the night before , the man 's feet and lower legs couldn 't be seen . Walking up the hallway to Andrew 's room I stopped just outside his door . Andrew continued talking to who I considered to be his imaginary friend . What I found odd though , listening to his conversation , was that he was speaking and asking questions , then leaving a gap before speaking again as though it was a two - way conversation . Then he laughed and said ' you 're so funny Adam . . . " Adam ? ? I walked in at that point and Andrew abruptly stopped talking then looked over and smiled at me . " This is my mummy , " he said to thin air . A day or so later I was in the kitchen doing dishes while Andrew played on the floor in front of the bench where I could see him . He was chatting away again and I watched as he sorted out his toys . " One for you , one for me . . . one for you , one for me , " he said as he put one toy in front of himself and another on a pile on the other side of the mat he sat on . And so it went on until every toy was out of Andrew 's toy box . Two distinct piles sat on the carpet in front of Andrew . One for him and one for . . . Adam ? I turned away to dry a cup and out the corner of my eye I thought I saw a flash of blue . I looked quickly but only saw Andrew and his toys . Nothing unusual there . . . Just as I was hanging up the phone I looked over to see Andrew holding up a toy as though presenting it to someone . I couldn 't believe my eyes ! I watched as the toy seemed to drift in the air of its own accord . It only lasted a second , but in that brief moment I was sure I saw it hang in mid - air , then be placed amongst the other toys on the pile . I knew what I saw - but I couldn 't believe it . Donna arrived , milk in hand . She saw the look on my face and asked me what on Earth was wrong with me . I said I was just feeling a little flustered as I didn 't want to tell her what I 'd just witnessed . She 'd think I was nuts ! We settled in for a coffee at the kitchen bench and I tried my hardest to forget what I was sure I 'd seen . I kept thinking about it and looking at Andrew and Jordan playing on the floor . Jordan was a little younger than Andrew but they played together nicely and got along well . Soon enough there was three piles of toys on the mat - one for Andrew , one for Jordan and one for . . . . Adam ? Donna noticed that I was distracted and asked me what was on my mind . I didn 't know what to say , so just made the excuse that I 'd been feeling a little rundown and tired . She nodded in empathy . I took myself off to the loo and left Donna to mind the boys . Upon my return Donna asked me who ' Adam ' was . I asked her where she 'd heard the name Adam , and she replied that both Andrew and Jordan had both referred to Adam , as though they were talking to someone that she couldn 't see . At first I didn 't know what to say , but I knew I had to say something so I told her what had happened the other day as well as the toy episode from earlier that day . I was expecting her to look at me as though I 'd gone totally bonkers , but instead she listened intently , nodding here and there as I spoke . She didn 't seem at all surprised . . . in fact , she then went on to tell me of a similar experience that one of her workmates had had . She told me that it was more common than what I would ever have thought . I started to pay more attention after that and noticed that Adam seemed to be around most of the time . It was like having an invisible tenant around the house . I never actually saw Adam myself although Andrew continued chatting to him for well over three years or so . I got used to having Adam around even though he was never really all that present for me . He made Andrew happy and content and that was the main thing from my perspective . I remember walking home from school one afternoon with my friend Denise and feeling a hand on my shoulder pushing me up all of a sudden . I stopped instantly and grabbed Denise by the arm just as she was about to step onto the pedestrian crossing . We 'd been so preoccupied that we hadn 't seen the icon change and would have stepped out into oncoming traffic . Another time I was at a party with a group of my girlfriends when I was about 17 , and I could feel someone tapping on my shoulder to get my attention . I turned to see who it was but then quickly realized that my back was to the wall with on one behind me , so I knew that it had been Alf . I tuned in to his energy and felt compelled to leave the party right then and there . I suddenly felt quite a foreboding feeling and felt compelled to get home as soon as possible . I left the party much to the chagrin of my friends and caught a taxi home . Once there I took a few deep breaths and asked for Alf 's help with whatever was to confront me on the other side of the door . I felt a wave of energy wash over me from head to foot and just knew that all would be okay . Opening the door with confidence I was relieved to find all was in order . Mum and Dad were sitting comfortably on the couch watching TV and my younger brother Cameron was asleep in bed . I took a short shower and took myself off to bed , wondering about Alf 's warning at the party . I was to find out the next day that just after I 'd left , a group of gatecrashers had arrived causing trouble for some of the party - goers . Fights broke out , the hall was trashed and eventually the police were called . I was glad I hadn 't been there for that . As an adult , Alf has guided and assisted me more times than I can count . Sometimes it would be subtle , like when choosing one thing over another , which direction to go in when travelling in unfamiliar territory and alerting me to any impending dangers or obstacles . Alf lets me know when something is a good thing or a bad thing , and whenever I feel confused or upset Alf cloaks me in his love . I would not feel complete without Alf in my life and I feel blessed and loved every day . Mum wasn 't religious at all but she certainly believed in angels and always encouraged my brother , sister and I to talk to the angels and trust them . She always said that if you listened hard enough you would hear them . I always went along with her even though I really wasn 't as into them as she was . I say ' was ' because my mother passed away about four years ago now . Since then i know when mum is around because she shows me signs by moving my little angel figurines around in the crystal cabinet . Mum had bought me that set of angels about six months before she died , and they always remind me of her . Some mornings I would find all of my angels grouped to one side or the other , or would be lined u along the front of the shelf . No one ever touched them during the night and I never knew when she would strike , but I always know that its Mum paying me a visit . As I 've gotten older and have had children of my own ( and a new grandchild on the way ) , I too have had more and more contact with angels . I can feel their presence and I aks for their help and guidance whenever I feel the need and they are always there for me . Open yourself up to the angels , and you may pleasantly surprised . I 'd had a really difficult pregnancy and had felt sick and weak from the very start . It was my second child and this pregnancy was very different from the first . It had me worried . My obstetrician assured me that the baby was fine and all was going according to plan . Still I felt concerned . I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and in my half - asleep / half - awake state I noticed a dim light under the nursery door . Perplexed , I opened the door and before me stood a tall being with light omitting from it . The light switch hadn 't been turned on and there was no light shining in through the windows . It was this ' thing ' that was glowing . Time seemed to stand still as I stared in shock , awe and confusion . A blink later and it was gone and I was left standing in the dark . I tried to convince myself that obviously I was dreaming , so made my way back to bed . The next morning I woke up still confused about what I 'd seen . I knew I saw something , but I had no idea what it was at that point . The following night I again visited the bathroom round about the same time , and again I was confronted by the glowing being in my yet - to - be - born baby 's bedroom . The crib was fully set up as the due date was nearing and I 'd always been one to over - organize . The ' light being ' , which I then chose to view as an angel , stood by the crib and I stood stock - still by the doorway . I felt a wave of energy go right through me , from head to toe . I just knew intuitively at that moment that my baby would be born healthy and all would be fine . My first night home I lay in bed waking slowly in order to check , change and feed my new little one . Upon nearing the nursery I saw that familiar glow from under the door . I quietly opened the door and peeked in to see my friend the angel bending over a soundly - sleeping Adrian . The angel seemed to turn to look at me , then vanished in a blink . The room instantly darkened , and Adrian stirred . My angels give me signs and signals when I need to pay attention to something or if I 'm heading in the wrong direction , they guide me to make the best decisions and choices , and also alert me to danger or wrongs . When out driving I always ask for protection for myself and all other road users , and ask them to deliver me to my destination safely and in good time . When I go shopping I always ask for help to find what I need for the best prices . I ask my angels to help me rest and sleep at night , and I ask them to help me with my work during the day . When I 'm looking for something or am having trouble finding what I 'm looking for , I ask my angels to give me signs or clues as to its whereabouts . Sometimes I am led intuitively and other times I can hear the answer audibly . It was a creepy place from the start and my wife and kids weren 't too keen on staying there . The cottage had a strange musty smell to it , and the rooms were dark and dingey . The garden was well over - grown and encroached on the windows and doors of the house . Due to costs we didn 't have much choice but to stay and make the best of it , knowing that we would have our own beautiful new home to look forward to . And the sooner the better . Strange events started shortly after our family moved in . Like I kept finding the back door open in the mornings , even though I 'd made sure to lock them securely each night . We 'd also hear footsteps in the kitchen in the middle of the night and quite often the toilet light would turn itself on and off and the toilet would flush once or twice during the night . It made us all a bit jittery and my two kids , Chris ( 13 ) and Shannon ( 11 ) wouldn 't get out of their beds at night . In fact , none of us were all that game to wander around at night . We left that to our ' friend ' who appeared to share the cottage with us . We heard knocking on the windows , kitchen cupboards and drawers opening and closing , and at times we could sense when our resident ghost was around . About 15 years ago when I was doing my hairdressing apprenticeship , I 'd left my country home and had come to the city to gain my qualifications and secure employment . I rented a small one bedroom granny - flat and worked at the local eatery three nights a week . Everything was fine for the first six months or so and I was happy and content in my little home . Then one night I heard footsteps running above me which had me a little perplexed as my granny - flat was single story . The footsteps sounded light as though they belonged to children , and it sounded like there was more than just one or two of them . I checked for possums and / or rats , but found nothing to give me any clues . I could hear the footsteps regularly from that night onwards . They would start up at about 8pm and continue until after 10pm . On the nights I worked I would come home to the tail - end of the pitter - patter of running feet . After a while the sound of running feet above just blended in with my daily life and I hardly gave it a second thought . It certainly shook me up but I was determined not to let it stop me from having a good night 's sleep . But I turned out to be wrong . Very wrong . Not long after dropping off to sleep I was woken by loud stomping coming from above . " OY ! " I yelled and the stomping stopped immediately . I nodded off to sleep not long after , only to be woken again . This time I was scared . I tried to snap on the bedside lamp only to find that I couldn 't . It was as if there was a weight on my chest , holding me down and I was frozen in place . The next thing I knew my alarm was going off and it was morning . That night during my shift at the restaurant , a familiar face came in - Mrs Arnot and her family . Mrs Arnot was seen as a local matriarch and the place always lit up when Mrs Arnot and her brood came in . She was friends with the owner and always tipped the staff liberally . Not only that but she was my landlady as she owned the property that my little granny - flat sat on . Clearing the plates from the table , I shyly asked Mrs Arnot if I could speak with her privately at her convenience . She happily followed me to the foyer and waited expectantly while I fumbled and mumbled . I just didn 't know how to start or what to say . She then went on to tell me that a double - storey house once stood on the site where my granny - flat now was . There had been a fire and the three children and their mother had perished . Since the granny - flat was built there the footsteps and sometimes even voices had been heard by all the tenants throughout the years . Working night - shift I was on duty with one of the senior nurses , Marion , and we were in the nurses station . A crashing sound came from down the hall , like the clattering of metal on metal . I looked at Marion in shock , but she didn 't bat an eyelid . I took off up the hallway looking for the cause of the noise . I found utensils and three stainless steel bowls scattered on the floor , but no one in sight . I placed the items on the bench , a little perplexed , and made my way to the nurse 's station . Marion didn 't bother to ask , but I told her what I 'd found . She just smiled at me in a strange way . Not twenty minutes later , the clattering sound rang out again , and again Marion didn 't flinch but continued on with her knitting . I followed the noise and found the same utensils on the floor again . But no one was around . This time I placed the utensils in the sink so that there would be no way they could ' slip ' off the bench again . Imagine my shock when five or so minutes later I heard the clattering and clanging sound yet again . I just couldn 't believe it . Marion glanced at me and smiled . " You may as well get used to it ' , she said wryly . And she was right . I worked at that hospice for nearly six years and with just about every shift there was some kind of unusual / unnatural occurrence . I just came to expect it every day . In my early twenties I married and quickly had two little boys , Gavin and Steven . When Gavin was only a month or so old , I work for his night time feed . His crib was in the corner of our bedroom and as I looked across I could see a light or rather a glow hovering near his cot . I blinked my eyes in the dark , thinking I was dreaming , but I could still clearly see the outline of whitish - bluish figure bending over a sleeping Gavin . I felt a sense of shock , but not fear . I sat perplexed , unsure of what to do . Then Gavin stirred and woke , the light figure fading away in the darkness . I then switched on my beside lamp and went about feeding and changing Gavin as normal . One Spring a couple with a toddler moved in next door . Over time , Greg and I became very fond of the little family next door and would joyfully look after young Jake whenever needed . He was such a cheerful little mite and we loved his cheeky grin and natural curiousity . At 3 years old he we a clever and social little chap . One afternoon as Greg was about to leave for the shops , I had a sudden urge to stop him . I didn 't know why , but I just felt I needed to . I stepped outside just as he was about to reverse down the driveway , but thankfully he caught my wave and stopped on the spot . All of a sudden we both heard a big loud bang from out of nowhere . I quickly looked around for the source of the noise and making my way to the back of the car my heart skipped a beat . Little Jake was sitting on the driveway playing with a bug , only a metre or so from the back of the car . There was no way that Greg would have seen him had he backed down the driveway . One night though , I woke up to find myself in my own room , in my own bed , in the dark . The lights were turned off , but somehow I could see a blonde girl , a little older than myself , standing at the foot of my bed . It was like she was standing under a spotlight or something because I could see her clearly . But the rest of the room was dark . She was wearing a cape or something with a grey hood . As I sat up on bed , rooted to the spot , I watched as the girl simply vanished . She just faded away to nothing and the light dimmed as she left . For some reason , although I was shocked , I wasn 't really all that scared . We moved out of that house three years later and I was never visited by the girl in the grey cape again . I 'd never told anyone about her , until last year when my family gathered for my mother 's 50th birthday . Talk drifted to our history and the places we 'd lived in . I piped up and told my story of my visiting ghost - girl . My Mum just about choked on her tea , and my older sister Kylie turned white , frozen in shock with her mouth open . Once she regained her voice , Kylie went on to tell us that she would encounter the caped girl - ghost in the bathroom every night while brushing her teeth prior to bedtime . I always loved it when my Grandma Eileen and Grandpa Doug would visit from the UK each year . They would always come in the Spring time . My own parents had honeymooned here in Queensland and never left , so half the family lived here and the other half back in Liverpool . Every year Grandma Eileen would say how much she wished that she lived closer as the plane trip seemed longer and longer to her aging body . When I was 13 my family moved back to Liverpool to be closer to Grandma and Grandpa as they both needed care . I dropped in on them everyday after school on my way home and would stay to help eat any freshly - baked biscuits or slices that Grandma had made during the day . In quick time the smell of baked goods became synonymous with my daily life . The years passed and everyone got older with time . I moved out of home and back - packed through Europe and Asia , ending up back in Australia to marry an Aussie guy I 'd met on my travels . I missed my family back in Liverpool , but loved the Aussie sun , beaches and lifestyle . I went about my nightly routine , and noticed the light blinking on the answering machine attached to the landline phone on the hallstand . I pressed the play button to hear my clearly distraught mother tell me that my dear Grandma Eileen had passed over in the last hour . I quickly rang her back , then made arrangements for flights to the UK to make it in time for Grandma 's funeral . One evening while my husband Bradley was out at his weekly bowling game , and my two daughters were asleep in their beds , I was sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine when someone cuffed me on the back of the head . I just about jumped out of my skin in shock as I looked around to find who it could have been . But I was totally alone in the room . I 'd just finished up washing the dinner dishes when Gabby came screaming out of her room , wailing like a siren . She flew into the kitchen and straight into my arms and blubbered about hearing someone knocking on her desk as she was doing her homework . She didn 't see anyone , but the knocking was right next to her and she said she could feel the banging on the desk as she sat there . I reassured her that all was okay , although I wasn 't too sure myself . I was next in line again , and lying in my bed a few nights later the windchimes hanging above my dressing table started playing all by themselves . The window was closed and there was no valid reason for their ongoing clanging . I tried to ignore it , and after 10 minutes or so the chimes stopped just as quickly as they started . Yvonne , my mother Joan and myself wandered along with the tour group , going from room to room , listening the guide talking about the manor 's ancient history . But I noticed as we approached different rooms , I was sure I heard voices that instantly stopped the moment the door was opened . Yvonne said she 'd heard them too . Mum seemed oblivious to what we were hearing it seemed . I was sure there was some kind of presence around us . As I looked into the room I was sure that I saw a flicker of movement in front of the heavily guilded mirror sitting atop the old dresser . I looked away then looked back quickly and was sure I caught another glimpse . I could hear a rustling sound , then all of a sudden the wardrobe door flew open . I wasn 't sure what happened after that because my feet were taking me back down the hallway out the way we came in , then out into the garden in a flash - Mum and Yvonne hot on my heels .

" Do you not recognize who we are ? We are the cause of your worry , of you and your family leaving in a hurry . Do you not recognize who we are ? My father was a student , and my mom - she was just out of college at the time , as well . They met in a restaurant in Dublin , and my mom heard my dad talking from a distance about Islam . She 's been very active in the papers , talking about women 's rights in Islam . She kind of like shouted over , " Oh yeah , you all just treat your women like rubbish , and you 're all just very degrading to your women " etc . etc . My dad just said to her , " Listen , if you really want an answer , it 's gonna have to be from a Muslim woman . I tell you what : why don 't you go and talk to them yourself , see what they say to themselves and you can make your own judgment from there ? " She went to the mosque , she met them . In her own words , it 's like " I went there to liberate all these poor women from their chains of oppression . " She said she sat down the first time and was taken aback by how generous , kind , open and how warm they were towards her . So she went the second time , the third time … She just realized that she was totally wrong . She was in contact with my dad , got together and got married , and she became a Muslim herself then after . I 'm born and raised in Dublin , a normal guy like everybody else . I laugh , I cry , I listen to music … Growing up here , I was known as Sam . I am Houssam Najjar . I am half - Libyan , half - Irish . There was a bit of an identity crisis at some stage . It was nearly like having two personalities . Sometimes you would have to suppress one to enjoy the other . I always used to call it like Windows in Mac , having to deal with my two cultures . By nature I 'm more sociable , I like to mix with the guys , the girls , have fun , go out , do all those kind of things , yet I had been raised as a very good , young Muslim boy . I rebelled , yeah , I rebelled big time … Rebelling meant leaving the house at 16 years of age , living around the corner with a babysitter … It 's like something out of a soap opera , you know ? You don 't get this in Coronation Street , you know ? She was 20 odd . So I moved in with her … It wasn 't even that far , it was only around the corner , so it wasn 't even a proper effort of an escape , you know ? But the first time I ran away , they were like , in tears and looking for me , stuff like that . The second time I chanced my luck again , and they were like , " Oh , whatever . You 're gone - you 're gone . " My dad was very tough . He was one of those real tough , old - school kind of fathers . If you watch Robert De Niro in A Bronx Tale , he was something like that . He was kind , nice , and stuff , but he was tough , and he had his moments . I just about finished my studies , and I went to work in a restaurant , just to make ends meet . It was all Lybian - owned - it was a Lybian owner of the building , and Lybian guys who were running the business . And those guys who were running the business I was working with , they suddenly had to go . The owner didn 't want to be left with these premises and all the equipment etc . and now just close down . So he offered it to me , and I was only 19 years of age . Of course , 19 years of age , no parents to tell you what to do , and a girlfriend at that stage as well … I was making a lot of money and spending a lot of money . Drinks , girls , going crazy - all that kind of stuff … Just living it up , big time . Too much money for my age , do you know what I mean ? I was pulling in something like a thousand pounds a week . That 's good money now , never mind back then . At this stage , when I was about 20 , 21 , still happened to be fallen out with the parents … While I was in the restaurant my cousin contacted me and said , " Come over for my brother 's wedding , in Lybia . " Now , I hadn 't been there for ten years , I hadn 't been since I was a child . I told my girlfriend at the time , " I 'm going for two weeks and I 'll be back . " The people were actually struggling at that time , really badly struggling , and struggling because of him . It was the embargo at the time , no foreign goods whatsoever . It meant everything that was foreign was sky high . I remember one of my cousins , who had really been kind to me and looking out for me , he was like , " Poor you , over in the heat , living this crap with us … Here 's this box of Corn Flakes . " I 'll never forget it , but like something special , a box of Corn Flakes … And the Corn Flakes was like 20 dinar , when a wage for the month was 300 dinar , so it was really like a day 's work . I enjoyed the two weeks , and I 'm having fun , and everything 's good and so forth , but then I said , " Okay , now it 's time to go back . " I went to look for my passport , and my passport was gone . A month passes , two months pass , three months pass , I searched everywhere , did everything … I said , " Listen , somebody must have taken this . " My cousins were like , " What ? We don 't know … What ? " all that kind of lark … So my dad was putting word across to say to my cousins over in Libya , " Get rid of his passport , because he 's just running amok over here . " They were probably worried that I was going to get that girl pregnant . Those two weeks ended up becoming two years . If the circuitry in a Mac motherboard goes a certain way to get to a certain folder , and Windows goes a different way to the same folder - that 's exactly what it 's like between your Irish culture and your Libyan culture . For example , in Libya , I was getting into the car with a tank top on and shorts , I was picking up some cousin 's girls , and stuff like that … My cousin had to sit me down and said to me , " Listen , you 're not in Europe now . It 's different , more conservative . You can 't be sitting in a tank top here , looking like a surfer boy or something like that , with a bunch of girls in the back of the car . " I worked in a diamond jeweler 's and I worked in a travel agency . A travel agency … There was no travel industry in Libya , yet here we were … It was one of Gaddafi 's right - hand men , one of his son - in - laws who was very wealthy had come out with this idea of a travel agency , but it was always just a show … So we will be basically giving them the five - star treatment , showing them what Libya had to offer . So they 'd come over , we 'd have a fleet of black beamers , put them up in the best hotels , and some of them probably were shocked and didn 't even realize they 're gonna get such treatment . Gaddafi had this group called ' the cleansing unit . ' What they meant by ' cleansing ' was it was a financial police . He basically had his own book of law , and in that book of law he had come out with all these mad , crazy … He could just wake up in the morning , think of something , and that will become law . And one of them was called " From where did you receive this ? " meaning you can 't own two houses . Everybody can , can 't they ? You can inherit it ; you can have your own home and then you inherit another home etc . In Libya , no . In Libya , if you 're part of the regime , yes , you can . But if you 're just about going about your business , then the other parts of the regime would come up and force that law on you , and say to you , " Unless you live in the building , it gets taken off you . " So you can imagine how many of the wealthy , original people of the land that had all these properties through their families etc . , all got their properties taken off them . Everything happens for a reason . That journey solidified my connection with the people , because there are so many half - Libyan / half - Irish here . Hardly any of them went . Hardly any . Two years I spent over there , that 's two years I was delighted to get my new passport . I got back here and picked up from where I 'd left . Got back with that girl , that girl became the mother of my only child . Becoming a parent is life - changing . I raised her to the best of my ability , but myself and her mother weren 't working out . She had converted to Islam . She knew that I was moderate , like I was in no way fully practicing it , but she got immersed in it . I always said to her at the time , I said , " You know , I love you for who you are , and it doesn 't make a difference to me , " and she convinced me that this was what she wanted . And she resented me over it ; even though it wasn 't me , she resented me . Her parents obviously hated my guts then , and when we split up it was a very messy kind of split - up . I went to the courts here probably about over 30 times , 35 times over a four - year period . Without saying too much publicly , if the mother for example doesn 't want to have the father in the child 's life , and is willing to make up any story to back it , it 's a very hard road for the father , especially if there 's no marriage . We 're not given automatic guardianship rights . All you 'd have to say is something like , " I 'm afraid that he might run away with the child and not come back . " I went a very long time without seeing Laila . I went on a war path myself … I lost my partner who I 'd been with for years , lost my child now as well , I had no access to her , and so I went heavy on the drink and the craziness , wanting to hit the bottom of the barrel . Just wanting to be lifted out of the gutter . Again , everything happens for a reason . Again , if I had Laila in my life at the time , maybe I wouldn 't have went . Two things have changed me as a man : becoming a father , and surviving a war . One of the lads said , " Do you know what it would be like if something like that 's gonna happen here ? " And one of the other lads said , " That 'll never happen here . He 'll crush anything . " And he 's right … We all went , " Yeah , you 're right . " Because we knew Gaddafi . We were glued to the screens here … I lived in Portobello , and down below me there was an internet shop owned by a Libyan guy . The rows of the machines were full of Libyans , and we 'd all have the earphones on , and we 'd be like , " Did you see this ? I 'm gonna send it to you . " " Did you see that ? I 'm sending it to you . " And the amount of videos coming out was like as if you were there . First of all , it was the guy with the placard in the middle of the square . He 's on his own , standing and going " We want the end of the regime . " That was never … You couldn 't even … Even crazy people were not allowed to do that . Even crazy people that would have a mental disorder , that might go out and go " Oh , screw Gaddafi , " or something like that - he 'd be gone . You wouldn 't see him again . The East had liberated itself completely from the regime . Tripoli was still under the thumb of Gaddafi , and so were so many other cities in the West . My brother - in - law , Ahmed , he was married to my sister . My brother - in - law made his way to Sudan , and from Sudan made the journey through the desert to the East of Libya . His idea was to form a brigade from the sons of Tripoli , because eventually the goal is Tripoli , and what better way to enter Tripoli than with its own sons ? He formed a brigade called the Tripoli Brigade . I 'm from Tripoli . I 'm half - Dublin , half - Tripoli , capital city boy . I was sitting in that internet cafe , just after watching the video clip of a woman being raped by mercenaries - foreign voices , foreign accents . Her screams just resonated in my ears ; it was as if she was a family member . That 's when I started realizing that he 's gonna do anything to hold on to power . So I thought if there 's any way to that I can help , or if there 's anything that I can do , then I 'm gonna do it . You know , I have to do it . I remember my mother saying to me , " You know , son , now you 're gonna realize what you 're made of , as a man . " And she was so right . Yes , he was like , " See , son ? That was all those beatings I gave you as a kid . They toughened you up and made you a strong man , you see ? " It was his kind of blessing for it , " It 's my good doing . You see , it 's my raising you up tough that made you the strong man that you are . " Classic old - school dad … You know , he was a proud etc . you know . Four months into the revolution at this stage , and Tunisia calmed down again , so I went over . There was gas in the air when we arrived in the airport , and the Sunway travel advisor was like , " Would you want to go on a quad bike adventure ? " I said , " If only you knew where I 'm going right now … I don 't think any quad bike adventure is gonna come close . " We drove through Tunisia and crossed across a small countryside border called Wazen . Even driving through the landscape , you had to drive through places like Tatooine , from the movie Star Wars . When we arrived at the border there was a bunch of shells and spent missiles . Of course , it was in revolutionary control when we were going through , but you could see the scars of the battle , where the Gaddafi loyalists tried numerous times to retake it . We arrived at this old secondary school , we had taken as a base . I went in , got myself in one of the rooms ; 8 - 10 guys per room , and each room had such a mixture of people … Usually , I hung around with people that were either a bunch of rich people , or I hung around a bunch of poor people , religious , non - religious … But this was like , you know , you could nearly pick one from every background and you could put them in a room and see them getting on and chatting , and having a laugh . The first morning we got up for the Fajr prayer , which is the dawn prayer . Somebody was walking down the corridor banging a pot , or something , and it was time for the dawn prayer , people have to get up out of their sleep . Now , I wasn 't really practicing beforehand , but when we were there , obviously , there were people who were praying all the time , and I felt guilty , so I became part of it straight away . After the prayer , I was sitting down up against one of the walls , and I could see a guy … Everyone had gotten up out of their places after the prayer , except this one guy ; he was sitting , kneeling down in the same spot and he was bawling his eyes out , crying . I was looking at him for a while , I sat down and leaned up against one of the walls and I was looking across at him , and one of the guys who had traveled with me , who became my friend , came and sat down beside me and I said , " Why is that guy crying ? " He said to me , " Police from Tripoli and a bunch of loyalists raided his house last night looking for him , and they 've scared his mother up so bad that she died . " I remember going over to him and I gave him a hug . A queue had formed , of people who were going over to him , giving him a hug . I said to him , " Your mother is like my mother , and I 'm so sorry to hear that . " This was the first time , I knew from then that all these guys were subsequently going to be like my brothers . Their families were going to be like my families , and what happened - their destiny was the same as mine . I remember coming in on one of the days , there was a beautiful sniper rifle that was standing up against the wall . I ran straight over to it and I was looking at it , " Wow this is really cool . " Even before the war I had this thing for the sniper role within a war . Even as a kid I had Quasar - something like a laser game . There 'd be guys running around shooting , and stuff like that , but I 'd be the guy that would be hidden somewhere , and while the unsuspecting guys would run by , I 'd be shooting and I 'd have a huge headcount by the end . Plus , there was the fact that I was so cautious about collateral damage , I was so cautious about innocent deaths , and how I would ever feel if I did kill anyone innocent by chance . I always felt that that was another way for me to eliminate that . Being a sniper is more personal , you can see the definition of a person 's face when you shoot at them , never mind just praying about it from afar . So I said , " Listen , I want that gun . I 'll train hard for it , I 'll do what needs to be done . " There was all this other stuff that was going on . We were meeting up with covert operatives , Western operatives from America , from France . It 's not every day that you meet these Navy SEALs , and they 're wanting to hear what you have to say , and you 're trying to give them as much information as possible to help what you 're doing . There were certain times as well where I would meet with them and give them the locations of enemy targets , and you 'd hear the next day that they 've been hit . These were all things that you 're saying to yourself , " I 'm being a part of this . I 'm just a normal person , but here I am , guiding air strikes and all kinds of stuff . " The whole day they were just spraying heavy artillery , mortar rounds , missiles … A few of our guys were getting hit , mortars were landing and one of the guys got decapitated from a mortar round … It was 12 o ' clock in the day at this stage , the sun was beating down on us really heavy ; I 'd drive up to guys and there 'd be white froth on their mouths . I was coming and going from every part of the battlefield . I had a bunch of guys in my jeep , when we first arrived to the battlefield , and I 'd let them out , and they started to creep their way up to the very front , past the heavy guns , past everything , like reconnaissance . And while I was doing what I was doing around the battlefield , I drove up to Maddy one of the times , and Maddy said to me , " Don 't advance any more , don 't go too far , because we 've got news that the tanks are going to pull out any minute ; they ran out of ammunition . " And I immediately thought of my guys , I said , " Oh my god , what about my guys ? " He said , " Where are they ? " and I pointed over at a small outhouse , a good mile away at least . That outhouse was the only building between the barracks and us , where we were . I said , " They 're probably there at this stage . I have to go over to them , I have to get them . " He looked at me as if to say , " Are you crazy ? " I said , " Well , I have no other choice . Don 't try and stop me , this is something that I have to do , it 's my men . " And he said to me , " Okay , go ahead . " So one of the guys jumped in with me and we drove around the battlefield , and every time I came up out of a dip , up on the top of a hill , bullets were whizzing over my head . Then I 'd go back down again , in the safety of the lay of the land ; then I 'd be up again , because there was no choice … You 'd go up again and the bullets would be whizzing by . These bullets are like the size of a bottle of coke , something like that , they 're designed to hit airplanes . I started zig - zagging from left to right with the jeep , as I was going through the sand . We got to the building , did the handbrake up , locked right up against the wall . I could see my guys at that building , they were like , " Are you crazy ? What are you doing coming out here in the jeep ? " I explained the situation , I said , " We have to go . " All hell broke loose in that very moment . The bullets were hitting the walls , they 're starting to make cracks , and some bullets were actually making it in . I remember talking about what we should do next , and saying " Come on , we have to get out of here . " A bullet came across and hit the sand from the side , so basically that meant was it wasn 't coming from in front of us anymore ; they were trying to flank us . We just looked at each other and we knew … We jumped into the jeep , about nine or ten of us , zoomed my way back . When I got back to the rest of the group , our group wasn 't able to really retreat now either , because they knew where we were now at this stage . We were in cover with the lay of the land , but as soon as a big convoy starts to leave the lay of the land , we would be like sitting ducks . We had no backup that was willing to help . Basically , we ran out of ammunition in the tanks , so we were basically on our own . We couldn 't move . Something amazing happened … A dust storm came out of nowhere . You could barely open your eyes , there was sand in your mouth , in your eyes , so the enemy wouldn 't even have seen us retreat , and they would be too fearful to leave their barracks , as well . It was a miracle , the timing of it . What was it like to know that you could have bullets whizzing around you , and you could actually still think ? I would imagine that would be … I mean , for me anyway , that would be a real question , whether or not I could actually just keep going . Your instinct must be to just stay in the ditch and just not come out . Well , one of the guys that was in our brigade , who was built like a tank , he was muscley , and had a rag tied around his head , he was wearing a tank top , and the muscles are pumping , he 's holding this machine gun . And he 's in this pose , ducked down , and I 'm driving by just to get the water . He shouts over , " Commander Sam , Commander Sam ! What 's it like up ahead ? " And I was saying to myself , laughing , " Rumble , the battle is two kilometers ahead . These guys were in the middle of the heat of the fire , you know ? " Then I said to myself , bravery has nothing to do with your size , nothing to do with … I 've seen smallish guys with the hearts of lions , you know ? And vice versa . It really rang and struck a chord with me , what my mother had said to me when she was wishing me luck when I left her . She said , " Now , son , you 're gonna find out what you 're made out of as a man . " And she was so right , because I found out , with myself personally , that when the bullets do whizz straight over your head , there 's three options : you either retreat , or you stay where you are , or you brave those bullets and move forward . " We are Barqa , we 're the flame that burns your heart , that thorn in your side . We never surrender , you must deal with that fact . Do you not recognize who we are ? We are Rijban , we 'll only die with gun in hand , and not far from a battle to gain more land . You will not rule again , not you or your clan . Do you not recognize who we are ? We are the ones who rose against you , from Derna and Bayda . We won 't stop until we 're free of you . Benghazi forges men , and I 'd just like to see if you ever stop to see who we are . " War had been going on for six months at this stage , and we got the orders that we 're going to march into Tripoli . You have to understand , for us , we are the Tripoli Brigade , we screamed it in our own chanting , " Tripoli , we 're coming ! Tripoli , be patient , we 're there ! " It 's the place that we know . I hadn 't slept properly in about three days , but when we heard about that it 's like somebody injected something into me , like a whole new lease of life , so I was buzzing again . At this stage I had a group of men that would follow my orders . I was ready for this . It was crack of dawn when we left . The anti - aircraft guns went in first , they were firing away . We were advancing at a slow pace . We got up to a point where the convoy got pinned down . It was a military barracks up ahead , and that military barracks was a famous one , called the Camp 27 . They had a big tank with four 32 mm barrels coming out at the front of it , fully automatic , so just basically whacking them out down the road . I drove up all the way to the very front . I 'm looking through my scope , and I could see movement . Out of the blue , two big explosions hit the front of the camp , near the tank . Big explosions , not from anything that we had , like mortars or stuff like that . I knew straight away that it was NATO . I looked through my scope again , and I could see loyalists shell shocked . I was looking around me , none of the other revolutionaries had binoculars and stuff like that , and I knew that this was the time to pounce . So I 'll never forget , I jumped into my jeep , myself and the guys , and I drove out in front of everybody , and in sight was all these guns , they 're reloading and they 're getting prepped to come out and take a shot , but I just drove out in front of them all and headed straight for the barracks . Now , I 'm thinking in my mind , " If I drive out and head straight towards this barracks , a few other vehicles would see this and join in . " But I 'm driving along , nobody comes behind me , I 'm in the middle of the overpass now , and I 'm looking back towards my men . I parked the jeep in the middle of the overpass and jumped out with a flag , stood back facing our troops , and put the flag in the air and started screaming at the top of my voice , " Chaaarge ! " I 'm seeing guys pointing up at the flag , cheering , and then a convoy of vehicles start to make their way to the barracks . Then I threw it in the back of the jeep , and we 're making our way to the end of the barracks , and no more than I turned towards the very end , I 'll never forget - I made the turn and then the sea faced us ; it was the first time I 'd seen the sea , and I gasped . I think we all gasped , it was beautiful . " Guys , it 's the sea ! We 're nearly there , we 're nearly at Tripoli ! " Just as I finished my words , a spray of bullets came straight across the front of the jeep . My automatic reaction , obviously , is to lock the steering wheel , put the foot on the gas , and swerve away . While I 'm doing that motion , I hear a slump in the back of the jeep . The guy beside me looks back and he 's like , " Oh no , he 's getting hit ! Quick , quick ! No way ! " I look behind me , he 's there on the back seat with a shot in the head . He was there , gurgling on his own blood , and all these guys that were screaming and shouting the big victory that we 've taken this barracks . I 'm beeping the horn saying , " Get out of the way ! Move out of the way ! Let 's try and get him out to the ambulance . " We got out to the ambulance , we lifted his body and put him into the ambulance , but I knew he was gone , even though he was alive . I knew he was gone . I went back over to my jeep and I put my fist through a couple of the windows , and I cried , and I was just so upset . Five minutes ago we were hugging and head butting and laughing , and it was as quick as that and he was gone . It 's as easy as that - one minute you 're there , one minute you 're gone . I did have comrades , but it was just because he was close to me , and because it happened right beside me . I don 't know if I felt a little bit of guilt because I was driving , I don 't know whether it was because I put us in that situation . I lost all fear of … You know , I accepted at that point - if I was to die , I accepted it . We were coming into the gates of Tripoli , we probably kind of lost it a little bit , in a sense . Just … A sense of calculating everything and taking everything into account , and just went all out , you know ? No fear . We got to the outskirts of Tripoli … A guy had said to me , " Commander Sam , are we going to go for Martyrs ' Square , or are we going to Bab al - Azizia ? " Martyrs ' Square is the main square of the city , it 's the heart . Bab al - Azizia is Gaddafi 's major military compound in Tripoli . I felt this huge responsibility - am I making the decision of where this convoy is going ? This is history , the capital of Libya is being liberated . All this emotion going through my mind , but I made the decision . I said , " We go for the symbolic gesture , which is Martyrs ' Square . " As we 're driving through Omar Mukhtar street , the mouth of it opens onto Martyrs ' Square . As I 'm getting closer , my foot is getting heavier on the gas pedal , my heart is beating along with the speed of the engine , just as fast … When we got into Martyrs ' Square I drove straight out and into the mouth of the square . Mentally , I could hear all of these guns being cocked and loaded . The whole place started spraying towards us , towards the Omar Mukhtar street . I jumped out and I took cover , and I looked back towards the rest of the convoy and I was screaming to them , " Take cover , take cover ! " While that 's happening , one of my guys shouts over to me , " Sam , we have captured a guy on top of one of the roofs ! " He was there and he was captured with his sniper rifle . I went with him to see this guy , we wanted to interrogate him . We got up to the top of the roof overlooking Martyrs ' Square , and there he is - one of my guys has him on a chair , and he 's like " Tell us where they are ! " and all this kind of stuff . He puts the AK right up to his head , and then he shoots a few shots right beside his head , just to frighten him , or whatever . I grabbed him and I took him up on the very top of the roof . I started softening him up … You have to give him a few punches , you have to hit him a few times . " Where are the rest of the snipers ? Where are you situated ? Where are the rest of the battalions ? Where is the ammunition base ? " And I 'll never forget , I 'm hitting him and he fell back and he was out of breath ; and I fell back , and I was out of breath , just from hitting him . And it had all hit me then , how exhausted I was . At this point now , it 's probably about 11 o ' clock at night . We had been battling for so long , running for so long … As I sat back on the wall , on the roof , and I sat to myself , " If I could just get even an hour or two … " While I 'm just putting my head against the wall , right below me is the battle ; I 'm hearing the gunshots , and I 'm hearing the screams , and the shouting and all that kind of stuff . How can I sleep while my guys are down there fighting ? So I walked down , and my shoulder was rubbing along the side of the wall as I was going down . I prepared both of my guns , loaded them back up with all the ammunition and got them ready . As I was walking out of that building I actually came to terms with myself and said , " Listen , you made it to Tripoli . This is enough . I 'm happy even if I go now . " I stepped out from the building , and just about to go into Martyrs ' Square , and one of the guys ran over to me and goes , " Commander Sam , Commander Sam , it 's liberated . The square is liberated ! " And I 'm looking up and around in a daze … " It 's liberated … " So I stepped out and I walked into the middle of Martyrs ' Square , I threw my SMG down on the ground in front of me , and I dropped to my knees , prostrated , like in prayer of thank you , to God . And when I wanted to stand , I couldn 't stand back up . That night I went to a friend 's place , slept … There 's an area beside Bab al - Azizia called Abu Salim , and this area is all like high - rise towers , very run down … All the high - rise towers had snipers in them , and they were just popping off revolutionaries unsuspectingly . We had to enter Abu Salim and sort it out . I 'm below these high - rise towers and I 'm seeing a bunch of our revolutionaries go through the front door of the building . This girl jumps from the second floor balcony , so I ran straight over to her , lifted her up , her pelvis was sore . She was young , she was very thin , very frail , I was able to lift her up easily and carry her back to one of the jeeps . I went to the hospital … Not really , no . There wasn 't much to … I could just see that she was more … She was in pain , she was crying , you know ? I brought her in the hospital , and just said to the guys there where I had gotten her from , and all that kind of stuff . About two or three days later they contacted me and said she 's okay now , and " Listen , you can 't just bring people here and just leave them in the hospital without us knowing who or what they are . " So I drove back to the hospital . As I 'm going into the corridor , I see the corridor is full of journalists . I 'm like , " What the hell is going on here ? " What hit my mind straight away was , they 're going in to interview her . Why ? One of the guys in the hospital said , " Sam , she 's a loyalist . " Straight away I 'm so worried that she 's going to be in this report ; I 'm worried about her saying something like , " They raped me , or they did something like that to me , " or just any kind of lies . So let a roar out to the journalists , I said , " You 're gonna all have to leave this corridor right now . Nobody 's getting an interview with the girl . " One of them came up to me and said , " On who 's authority ? " and I said , " On my authority . I 'm the head of security in the hospital right now , and I 'm telling you , you all have to leave . Now move it ! " I got them out , and as they 're walking out , one of them looks at me with a kind of a smirk on her face and says , " Well , you 're too late anyway . There 's somebody in there already interviewing her . " I went over , banged the door in , and there was a blond woman , I think she was Swedish , just sitting there with her . I walked straight over to her and grabbed the notepad out of her hand , ripped the page off and handed it back to her , and said , " You have to leave now . " She was so scared … I was in military gear and stuff , and she ran out . One of the revolutionaries was inside in the room while the girl was in for the report , and I asked him , I said , " What 's going on ? " He said to me , " She 's admitting to 16 kills . " I looked over at her , and all these faces run through my mind … I said to her , " Why did you kill these people ? " She said , " They had me in the window , the loyalists . They were telling me to shoot anybody who came by . Shoot or be shot . And by night they were raping me . " I said , " Why didn 't you shoot away from them , or not kill , or whatever ? " and she was like , " I was scared and I didn 't know what to do . " I felt like killing her , but I looked away from her , I went over towards the window and I just gathered my emotions , and I was thinking about everything . I said to myself in my mind , " Ultimately , there is one person that 's responsible for all of this . Responsible for taking this young , 19 - year - old girl from her family , training her to become a monster , keeping her in poverty so that she would be hungry , and then luring her to do what she 's doing now . " So ultimately the blame was on him and was on the regime , him and his henchmen . I kind of like redirected all that hatred from her to him . She was like crying , " I want to see my momma , I want to see my momma … " I had to take her from , because the hospital said she 's okay to leave , so I had to take her . I said , " Yeah , I 'm gonna bring you to your momma . " I 'm driving up , she said , " This is not my momma 's house . " I said , " Listen , you 're not going to your momma . You 're responsible for killing 16 men . This is where I have to bring you now . " I 'm seeing rows and rows of mercenaries being admitted into the prison … We brought her to the women 's new wing , and when we walked up to the cell and they pulled the door back and she was stepping in , two girls that were sitting down in the corner stood up and went over to her , and gave her a hug . They knew each other by first name . That 's when it hit me , that it wasn 't just kill or be killed , guys holding her and all that … She was part of the sniper unit . She was willingly a sniper in his battalions , well before the revolution . To be honest with you , every … When I used to stroll up and down the prison cells , and I used to interrogate a lot , I had to do a lot of rounding up of mercenaries and loyalists in the aftermath , journalists used to come up to me and say , " Sam , are you okay after the war ? Are you feeling okay , is everything alright mentally ? " I said , " Listen , I 'm fine , " just as I 've said to you now , I 'm fine . The only thing that was getting to me at that point was having to lay my hands on people who had burned seven people alive , or who had raped a whole family , or knowing that I was going out that morning to capture somebody who had massacred ten people . You know , good , young men , just shot them up . So having to arrest them , having to put them in a room , having to sit down and look at them , and having to interrogate them , having to listen to their whimpers - all that kind of stuff really got to me after a while . While I used to walk through those jail cells it was very rare - and I know it might seem okay , like , seriously , there had to be somebody - but I never ever came across somebody - and I came across thousands of them - I 'd never ever came across somebody where I had felt like there was what you were saying there . Most of them were criminals … You know , when you see somebody and you say , " That guy is bad news , he 's a criminal " or " He 's the junky kind , he 's just an evil kind of person , " you know , dirty in their hygiene … The men who were dying for the cause , for the revolution , were some of the best men I 've ever met in my entire life , and these were men that were dying at the hands of these mercenaries , and criminals . You have to understand , by the way , Gaddafi , before we had entered the capital , emptied out all the prisons , and gave them all weapons , and told them to run wild and pillage . He did that on purpose . I don 't connect , or have any kind of connection with a man who puts one man in front of the will of his own people . I can 't understand it , no matter what he sings or dances . I 'll never have that kind of understanding where I 'll be like , " I can see where they 're coming from . " Yeah , I can understand they were brainwashed . It 's funny because somebody was saying to me recently , " Okay , but you can 't just paint the revolutionaries in a good brush , and then that 's it . " I said , " Okay , yeah , we had some bad apples . " You know , there 's bad apples everywhere , but it 'll never take away from the purity of the cause ; what it was all about will never be tainted by the actions of one , or two , or three , or four . I 'm curious … You were shooting at people , you were doing these things that in any other context outside of war are generally considered very bad . How do you reconcile that ? How do you continue being a good person when you were doing these things that in any other context would be considered bad ? To be honest with you , Nick , I don 't see it even outside the context of war , as far as I 'm concerned , outside the context of revolution , and I will always differentiate revolution from conventional war . You could say , " How ? Why ? It 's the same bullets , it 's the same guns , it 's the same everything else . " There 's a reason why I sleep at night every night with no remorse whatsoever , I 'm not depressed and I 'm not feeling low on myself and down on myself , why I don 't have to deal with any of the PTSDs , and I don 't have to deal with all the other letters - it 's simply because there was never a time I went into a town that we had just liberated where I 'd seen women and children 's remains scattered all over the ground from the jets that I 've fired down on the city before we had made our entry , for it to be later on discovered , in hindsight , that it was all for a bogus reason , and there was no real WMD , and it was oil deals , and it was this and it was that . I never had that . I went over to protect the people from a monster . Yes , I did fire a gun , I did fire missiles , I did fire RPGs , I targeted buildings , I gave NATO locations for them to bomb certain positions that could have taken out a load of men , but there was no collateral damage . Yes , there was resolve in what were determined , but it was very calculated . I became a sniper simply for the reason that I wanted to make sure that I was on target with every bullet that I shot . If I had killed civilians , I probably wouldn 't be able to sleep at night . And I very nearly did once or twice … I went into a building , I was spraying all these buildings , and one of the buildings - I don 't know why it happened , I didn 't spray in through this white sheet that was covering the doorway . When I pulled away the sheet back , there was this old man that was just lying there , that couldn 't get away from the war and he was stuck there ; he had nothing to do with it . And I remember saying to myself afterwards , it was like a blessing that I didn 't shoot in through that door , otherwise he would have been dead , and I would have been in a different place mentally . What kind of interactions do you have with people back in Ireland now , when they find out … Because I know , generally , the Western bombing campaign was very unpopular there . Do people ever give you shit ? I get mixed reactions over here , of course ; you get all kinds . I 've had heated rows , I 've had Republicans , like IRA kind of style republicans who would be like , " Oh , Gaddafi was a good man , " because of the whole supplying arms to the IRA . I said , " That 's not a sufficient enough reason for you to support a man who would massacre tens of thousands of people . " Once there was an old man , and he was a staunch republican , probably with IRA ties . Somebody had said to him , " Jimmy , Sam 's just back here from Libya . He was one of the lads that fought against Gaddafi . " And his initial reaction was disgust . I was surprised , because I think it was the first time that it happened that I had gotten that reaction from an Irish person . I was just so used to people saying , " What an amazing feat , what a great job you 've done ! " My family 's roots go way back and deep into the cause against British rule . What I did in Libya , I consider it very similar to what the Irish did . He was saying to me things like " You were played , and the only reason why Gaddafi was taken out was because he was anti - imperialistic . " Okay , you can think what you like about all that , but you have to say to yourself , " Why did the people rise against him ? " I told that old man , I told him " Did you know about a massacre that happened in 1996 , when he gunned down 1 , 300 men who were political prisoners , similar to what the men here in the Maze would have been ? Can you imagine if the British were to have come out and mauled down and shot down 1 , 300 men ? What kind of massacre would you call that ? " And of course , with the drink involved and stuff , it was probably going in one ear and out the other . Yes , I did . I started in Allianz Worldwide Healthcare . It turns out you guys over in America are the most expensive in the world , because I 'm never going over there to break an arm , or anything like that . By God , looking at people 's invoices , how do people survive over there , man ? Craziness , man … At the end of the day I would love to see this book being adapted into a movie , that would be my dream . I hope it doesn 't have to be one of those movies where the star always has to die … The subject they 're making the movie about is always dead by the time they get around to making the movie about him , you know ?

by Revis Edgewater With five guns now swinging my way , I didn 't have time to check on the Punisher 's condition just yet . I hoped that I could get all five men with one long burst from the automatic pistol . After I mowed down the first two men , the gun began clicking . Damn . I was out of ammo . I dropped the empty gun and drew the two pistols I had in my shoulder holsters . By that time , the remaining three men had trained their guns on me and opened fire . I was hit by a barrage of bullets . None of them really did any major damage to me . Most of my coat and shirt were gone . My left pinky finger and my right middle finger had been shot off . Although I wasn 't a hundred percent sure , I was pretty sure my hat was now gone too . Their shots did nothing to slow my own attacks . My trigger fingers worked furiously , sending speeding metal at the jackasses who were doing their best to kill me . Two of them fell with new holes in their bodies . The third man had taken cover before I could get him in my sights . A metallic ring sounded off to my left and I remembered that he was the grenade thrower . I dove to my right and hoped that it 'd be enough . The explosion came as I hit the floor . Looking back to where it had gone off , I saw that I was now missing my left foot . It wasn 't ideal , but it could 've been a lot worse . My guns had miraculously managed to stay in my hands , so I made ready for when the grenade thrower moved from cover to check on his handiwork . Sure enough , he peeked around the corner to look in my direction . I shot the second I saw his head . From the other side of the room , someone else shot at the same time I did . Grenade thrower 's head literally exploded as two bullets tore through it . The Punisher stepped out of the doorway he had been using for cover , the barrel of his assault rifle smoking . There were some dents in his body armor , and some small cuts on his arms and legs , but the grenade didn 't do him any major damage . I assume he found something to hide behind before it went off . " What 're you doing here , " he gruffly asked . Grunting slightly in response , he did as I asked . Once I had my foot back in place , I picked my two fingers off the ground and reattached them . To test them out , I held up my right middle finger up to the Punisher . " It works , " I said . He ignored my awesome joke and moved further into the mansion . We made our way through the rest of it with ease . I would go into a room first and draw all of the fire . That left the Punisher free to take them out without having to worry about being under fire himself . It was the most efficient fight I had ever had in my " superhero " career . Well , when working with someone without powers , anyway . The last room we got to was the master bedroom . When I busted down the door , Dallos stood alone . He was unarmed and holding his hands in the air . " I give up , " he pleaded . " I surrender . " I wasn 't sure what he was going to do to Dallos , but I was sure that I didn 't want to be there when he did it . Besides , the sounds of the gunfight had been noticed . Police sirens played outside the house . Flashing red and blue lights could be seen in the windows in the front of the house . I needed to get the hell out of there . I took off my shirt and trenchcoat , since they were nothing more than tatters now , and grabbed replacements from one of the other bedrooms . The shirt was fine , but there wasn 't a coat as good as my trenchoat at obscuring my face . Grabbing the best thing available , I threw it on and vowed to put my ring back on as soon as I possibly could . I also tucked a change of clothes under the jacket for when I found a place without any cameras . The police were only at the front of the mansion at that point , so I was able to slip out the back undetected . I took a random route for a while , just in case someone was behind me . After finding a suitable place , I put on my ring and changed my clothes . Once that was done , I hailed a cab and took it back to my office . Just like last time , I walked in to find the Punisher sitting behind my desk . " I 've seen firsthand that bullets don 't do much against you , " he grinned as he pulled something out of his pocket . " I also saw you run from a grenade . You made my work tonight far easier than it normally is , so it would be a shame if I had to use this on you . Give me the file , and we 'll part ways as friends . " He began to frantically look around , but didn 't see anything . I could tell he was debating using the grenade , but there was no guarantee that he 'd be able to escape the blast when I was this close to him . Within seconds , his arms began to droop . Not long after he slumped over completely . " Paralyzing gas , " I told him . " A friend of mine got it for me from S . H . I . E . L . D . It works really fast once it gets into the bloodstream . Another benefit of being dead is that I no longer have blood , so it doesn 't affect me at all . I wasn 't sure that I 'd ever need this setup , but I like to be prepared . " I could easily kill you right now , and I bet that I 'd be the best friend of many spirits roaming the city tonight if I did , but I won 't be doing that . What I am going to do is drop this off at the police station . I 'm pretty sure that a lot of the people in this file probably have enough people paid off that this won 't hurt them too much , but I think some of them will face some time because of this . " All I 'm really sure of right now is what will happen if you get your hands on this : My city will gain a lot of new spirits . You may not care , because you 're done with them once they 're dead , but I do . I don 't want to have to deal with a lot of disgruntled mobsters that you set your crosshairs on . " I walked over to stand in front of him and put my face right in front of his . " I know you can hear me , so listen up . You 're going to stay right where you are until the gas wears off and then you 're going to disappear from my life forever . I 've heard you 're not to big about letting things go , so if you ever get the urge to come after me , I want you to remember something . I want you to remember how many people you 've killed . How many of those spirits would help me against you ? " Sure , you could hurt me with that grenade , but you still wouldn 't kill me . And , once I recovered , I would use every one of those spirits to find out every single thing about you . With help like that , I 'd be able to take you out before you even knew I was coming after you . Or , maybe I 'd use them to warn every person you 're targeting that you 're coming after them . I suppose I could always scare away anyone who supplies your gear , too . There 's really no end to the things I could do to disrupt your crusade . " I walked to the door , put my hand on the knob , and turned my head towards him . " No matter which option you choose , I will always be ok in the end . All you 're really doing is choosing how hard your life will be from now on . It 's up to you , Frank . " by Revis Edgewater Aa much as I wanted to run out the door to help the Punisher , there was some unfinished business to take care of here first . The fate of an innocent child was far more important to me than the fate of a man who spends his nights on a murder spree . " Why 'd you take the boy , " I asked . " Are you , or one of your sons , his father ? " " What , " Cook cried , his face crinkling up in disgust . " God , no . I 've known her since she was born . She grew up with my kids . She was like a daughter to me and a sister to my boys . It 's just that if I didn 't get him , who knows where they would 've stuck him . I took him because I thought he should stay with family . " I let my gaze drift over to Robert , who was studying Cook 's face . Making up his mind , he gave me a slight nod of his head . " Ok , Cook , " I said . " Here 's the deal . From now on , you 're out of the business . " " After tonight , you 'll never see Dallos again , so don 't worry about it . I 'm going to assume that , like McKenzie , you have a number of legitimate enterprises ? " Cook nodded , so I continued , " Good . You 're going to focus on those and raising Amanda 's son . You will care for him as much as you do your own . I will have someone watching you at all times , Cook . If you do anything to hurt that boy , I 'll be back and when I get done with you , you 'll look worse than me . " That last part put a little fear in him . I didn 't have time to stick around and press the issue . Instead , I took the elevator back downstairs and ran outside . A couple was out front about ready to climb into a taxi . Once again , my horrid appearance worked in my favor . Not only did the couple run away upon seeing me , but the driver did too . It was about time something went my way . I punched the address McKenzie gave me for Dallos into the GPS and gunned the engine , letting the navigation unit catch up as I went . I knew the general area fairly well , from my own time as a taxi driver , but I didn 't know exactly where . Another throwback to my taxi days was knowing the best routes to take to avoid traffic . It still took longer than I liked to get there , though . The last few blocks were a little odd . Through the city , I moved at a frantic pace . Out here , among the large estates that made up this neighborhood , everything seemed calm and serene . I started wondering if I had come to the wrong place . That 's when the sounds of gunshots began echoing through the night sky . A gate barred the entrance into Dallos ' estate , so I plowed the cab right through it . Or , I attempted to , at least . The gate was a lot sturdier than it looked . It stopped the car flat . Still , the taxi did enough damage to it that I was able to squeeze through it . I ran the rest of the way to the front door . When I flung it open , I was greeted by one of Dallos ' men . With one look at me , he dropped the automatic pistol he was carrying . " Oh , hell no , " he said as he raised his hands and started walking out the door behind me . " First , the Punisher and now some dude who looks like he 's right out of Night of the Living Dead ? Nope . I 'm done . I ain 't getting paid enough for this bullshit . " I watched him go , not knowing what to do . That was definitely a first for me . Shaking it out of my head , I picked up the gun he dropped and went deeper into the house . Trying to pinpoint where the gunshots were coming from based solely on the sound was impossible for me . Having no ears has its drawbacks , folks . So , basically , all I was doing was blindly walking around . In the second hallway I walked down , I found the billiards room . Going inside , I quickly located the flash drive behind the vent , grabbed it , and put it in my pocket . Before I had a chance to put the vent back , a shot rang out behind me . The bullet tore through my trenchcoat and out of my chest . I turned to see another henchman standing there with a smoking gun . His hands trembled when he saw that his shot did no damage to me . He replied by repeatedly pulling the trigger . The only thing he accomplished was putting more holes in my coat . Now , I was angry and he wouldn 't like me when I was angry . One squeeze on the automatic pistol sent a small spurt of lead in his direction . He fell backwards , landing with a groan . I didn 't see any blood coming from his torso , so he must 've been wearing a vest . There were holes in both his left thigh and the opposite shoulder . I thought about finishing him off , but just walked out of the room instead . As a general rule , l avoid killing people , especially since they might come back to haunt me . If this guy ends up going , it won 't weigh on my conscience . I gave him the chance to walk away and he chose to shoot me . I checked my pocket to make sure that the man 's barrage of bullets didn 't hit the flash drive and breathed sigh of relief when I found it intact . I continued on into the next corridor and hoped that the growing decibel level of the gunshots meant that I was getting closer to the action . I was . As I rounded a corner , I saw that there were five men firing into an open doorway . Three other men lay dead around the room . Obviously , I had found the Punisher . I raised the automatic pistol just as one of the men threw something into the room with Frank . " Punisher , " I yelled to get his attention . " Grenade ! " The men , hearing my cry , turned their guns on me . My weapon started barking out seconds before the grenade exploded . I glanced at the doorway long enough to see nothing but a cloud of dust come out of it . by Revis Edgewater Once again , the Punisher looked pissed that I was having a conversation that he couldn 't hear both sides of . I didn 't care . " Cook took your grandson , " I asked , not really believing . " With you and Amanda both dead , your grandson gives him no leverage over anyone . Why would he do that ? " " He has two sons around that age , " the Punisher interjected with a shrug . " Maybe one of them is the father . Or , maybe it 's Cook himself , if she had a thing for older men . " " They had better not be , " Robert fumed . " She told me it was some boy from school . I swear if any of those three even thought about touching my daughter , I 'll kill all of them . " " Focus , people , " I hollered . " Let 's get back to what matters . We have a deal , McKenzie . If you tell me where you hid those files , we 'll go get your grandson . " " Good point . Wouldn 't he notice that the air flow is being disrupted , though ? There 's no way those files are letting air go by them . " " Do you know how many people in this city are in the business ? I 'd need a warehouse to keep files on all of them on paper . I was forced to make an exception . " " I don 't think so . I 'm going to Dallos ' house to get the files . " The look on my face must 've shown my confusion because he clarified , " I still heard your side of the conversation , genius . " By the time I turned to try to convince the Punisher to change his mind , he was already halfway out the door . " Let him go , " McKenzie said . " We don 't need him . You 're immortal , right ? " I stood up and got my gear together . Once I had both of my shoulder holsters on , and full , I put a couple of extra clips of ammo in my pocket . An old rickety jacket was thrown over my shoulders to cover the guns up as I walked out of my office . When I was around halfway to Cook 's house , I ditched the old jacket in an alley and put on my tan trenchcoat , that I had been carrying underneath the other jacket . I put on the other garment that I had under my jacket , my brimmed hat , and pulled up the collars . My face needed to be as obscured as possible . Once I had it hidden as best I could , I pulled off the magic ring . Immediately , I returned to my actual appearance . " As far as the world knows , " I replied , ignoring the ghost 's tone of voice , " Jonathan Martin is just a regular private investigator . If a surveillance camera catches him entering , or even near , a place right before a gun fight breaks out , his life becomes far more difficult . For tonight , I 'm Ghoul . " The remainder of the walk was fairly uneventful . Most people ignored my horrid appearance . I told the few who didn 't that I was on my way to a zombie walk , which they applauded . That 's one of the great things about living in New York City . Nothing is considered weird here . Unlike Dallos , who had a house out in the suburbs , Cook resided in a fairly swanky building in the city . Swanky enough to have a doorman , anyway . I had a way around him , though . All I had to do was walk up to him and show him my face . Naturally , he freaked and tried to run away , but I grabbed him by the collar of the ridiculous looking jacket they made him wear and made him open the door first . Once he did , I released him and he ran away screaming . After I got inside , McKenzie , who had been here many times before , directed me on where to go . I got on the elevator and hit the floor number he indicated . While I was going up , I pulled my guns out of their holsters , expecting trouble as soon as the doors opened . There was none . The doors opened up directly into the living area , an entertainment room by the looks of it . Cook sat on the couch watching TV , with the infant in his hands . Obviously , he heard me approach because without turning around he said , " It wasn 't supposed to happen like that . Amanda wasn 't supposed to die . But , Dallos moved too quickly . I couldn 't stop him . " He turned to face me for the first time . To his credit , he didn 't react to my visage . " I thought you were the Punisher , " he admitted . " No , " I responded , " I 'm much more charming than he is . I can , however , kill you just as dead as he can if you keep lying to me . Now , where are your bodyguards ? " " Dallos killed Amanda because he didn 't believe her when she said she couldn 't get the file for us . He thought she was working with someone else to hide it from us . After he killed her , he said we wouldn 't need to look for her partner because they 'd come after him for revenge . So , now he 's got all of our guys , plus some extra muscle he hired on , waiting for whoever shows up . " by Revis Edgewater As soon as the Punisher told me that he wasn 't planning on killing her , I should 've known something was wrong . The aura of death surrounding Amanda told me it was coming , but I pushed it aside when I took her away from him . I still felt it , even if I didn 't admit it to myself . Had I listened to it , maybe she 'd still be alive right now . " Well , I got the green part down . I just can 't pick up cars . What I can do , though , is talk to the dead , and Amanda 's spirit just came to me . " " So do ghosts . And I have three of them here that want to talk to you . . A woman with two children . Do you want to talk to them … . Frank ? " If I were in a different situation , I might laugh at his facial expression . It was rage , confusion , and sadness all rolled into one . I didn 't have time for laughs right now . " What 's it gonna be , Frank , " I asked impatiently . " You gonna talk to them ? " " Fine , " he conceded with a snarl . " You can talk to ghosts . But if you ever bring up that woman and the children again , I don 't care how unkillable you think you are , I will find a way to end your existence . " Once again , I wanted to laugh . Oh sure , he could blow me up into a million pieces . That would certainly slow me down while my body put itself back together , but he couldn 't kill me . Trust me , more powerful people than him have tried . " I 've gone up against a lot of gangsters in my time , but McKenzie was one of the smartest I 've come across . Hell , I didn 't even know about him until about a month ago . The only reason I know about him is Cook . He never said how , but he and Dallos found out about him . They weren 't very happy that their old friend had been conning and using them . " So , they decided to start making some side deals on their own . The problem with that was they weren 't as smart as McKenzie and they caught my attention . I busted in on a deal that Cook was making with the Russians for some guns . He started cowering when the shooting started . After I killed everyone else , he tried making a deal with me . I played along with it at first , but eventually we came to an understanding . " " He 'd tell me everything he knew in exchange for me not killing his two sons when I took down the family . They were low level guys who really hadn 't done much anyways , so I was ok with giving him that one . That 's when he told me about McKenzie and what was in his files . " " Sorry , but I kinda tuned you out when you told me what was in there earlier . I was shocked when I saw Amanda walk in . What 's so important that 's in those files ? " " Dirt on every mid to major organized crime figure in the city . I don 't know how he did it , but he got incriminating evidence on all of them . That way , if anyone pushed too hard to find out his true identity , McKenzie would blackmail them into backing off . " " I 'll tell you now , " a voice interrupted . Robert McKenzie stood behind the Punisher , staring at me . " But , if I do , you have to do something for me . " by Revis Edgewater My pal Dane , aka The Black Knight , wasn 't home . From the looks of it , he hadn 't been here in a long time . That 's why I felt confident that he wouldn 't get upset that I broke in . ( Author 's Note : From what I can gather , The Black Knight now resides in the Marvel dimension known as WeirdWorld . ) After getting Amanda settled down , I asked her what was really going on . " Most people don 't know this , " she answered , " but my father was one of the most powerful people in the city . He was the leader of one of the families . " " I asked him that once myself , when I finally caught on to what he did for a living . He reminded me of how he used to laugh at the gangster movies when the leaders would lead from out front to prove how tough they were , that they were in charge . He said it was the heights of arrogance and stupidity to do that because all you were doing was making yourself , and your family , a target . " It made more sense , he said , to be the man behind the curtain , to be the puppeteer pulling the strings . They can 't take a shot at you if they don 't know you 're there . It was how he protected us . " " He didn 't want anybody to know about it . There were only a couple of guys in his organization that knew more than half of what he had going on . I only found out because I stumbled on to the books for the restaurant and studied them . I figured it would be a good way for me to learn more about real world accounting than I could in my accounting class . When I looked them over , I saw some inconsistencies and I confronted him about them . He was laundering money . He told me everything after that . " " There are two guys who are in charge now . Both of them are named John , so we called them by their last names , Cook and Dallos . They 've been friends with my dad since elementary school . Dallos is the enforcer . Cook is the brains of the operation . They thought my father was just a flunky like them . The orders stopped coming as soon as he died , so it wasn 't long before they figured it out . " " If they were angry , they didn 't show it to me . They came to me a couple of days ago saying that they had found all of dad 's files except for those of the restaurant . Apparently , there was something missing from the other files that they really needed and they figured it had to be mixed in with those . " They said that if I found it for them , they 'd make sure I 'd be taken care of . I 'm still family to them . I said that I 'd find the papers for them , but I didn 't care about the money as long as I got to keep the restaurant . Dad really loved that place . " Amanda 's eyes dropped to the ground at the memory of her father . For a second , I thought she was going to cry , but she pulled herself together . " What happens now , " she asked . " From what I know about the Punisher , he 's not one to let this drop . At least , not without a good reason . So , I 'm going to go give him a good reason . " I turned to her in triumph , a big grin on my face . A deep frown greeted me in return . " Oh , come on , " I protested . " That was the perfect place for that line ! " The frown was joined by the shaking of her head . " Whatever . I 'm going to go have a chat with the Punisher . You stay right here . This place can 't be traced to you and the only one who can tie me to it in any way is the guy who owns it . Speaking of which , if a guy in black armor , with a wicked looking sword comes in , just tell him you 're with me . " " Don 't worry . He won 't hurt you . He 's an Avenger . " Well , he used to be anyway , I said in my head . " Don 't leave this apartment for any reason . We brought enough food with us to last you a few days . I 'm not sure I 'd trust anything left in his kitchen . I 'll come back as soon as it 's safe . I promise . " " I am a detective , you know . Besides , and I hate to have to use another movie quote , but something tells me that I won 't be finding him . He 'll be finding me . " Two hours later , thanks to traffic , I was proven right . I unlocked , then opened , my office door to find The Punisher sitting behind my desk . " Tell me where the girl is , " he demanded . " Or else what , " I countered . " You can 't kill me . I 'm already dead . And because of the dead thing , I don 't feel pain anymore , so you can 't torture it out of me either . So , here 's what I propose : Don 't kill the girl , and I 'll … " " I 've been doing this a long time . By now , I can tell who is in the business and who isn 't . She clearly isn 't . " The Punisher began talking , but I didn 't hear him . My focus was now on the ghost that had walked through my office door . " I have a son , " the ghost explained . " They were waiting for me when I went to go get him . I thought he 'd be safer with me . " She stayed silent . In the moments that followed , I couldn 't help but ask myself what I was doing . Fifteen minutes ago I was perfectly fine with letting fate take its course . Now that her imminent death is right in my face , my conscience is apparently having second thoughts . Sometimes I hate having a conscience . When I get done with this situation I may have to squish a cricket . " I 'm not a bodyguard . I 'm a private detective . And , unlike someone in the room , I 'm actually licensed to carry a firearm . " He was unimpressed with my bravado . Still , my best chance at getting her out of this alive was to get his attention onto me . " So , how does it feel to live your life as a hypocrite ? " That one kind of worked . His face was still stuck on her , but his eyes flicked over to me . I pressed , " That 's right , I 've heard about you . They say that you go around killing criminals , murderers , but you 're nothing more than a murderer yourself . " Instead of getting angry , he smirked . He knew what I was trying to do . His eyes going back to Amanda , he growled , " You shouldn 't have tried to take over your father 's business . " Obviously , there 's a lot more than just a restaurant at stake here , but I didn 't have time to ponder it . The Punisher pulled a sawed off shotgun from a holster on his back . He moved , what seemed to me to be , impossibly quick . Before I knew what had happened , the shotgun went off and I was standing in front of Amanda . Despite the fact that the scene should now be chaotic , I found that both of them were just staring at me in shock . The first thing I noticed was that the shotgun had blown off my left arm at the shoulder . My arm was now lying on the floor beside me , with my magic ring still attached to my finger . They now saw what I really looked like . " Dammit , " I muttered . It 's been a while since I 've had to pick a piece of myself off the ground . Before the Punisher could recover , I fired two shots from the pistol I still held in my other hand . The bullets hit him center mass and he stumbled to the ground . I knew that someone in his line of work had to be wearing some kind of body armor . That meant I didn 't have long before he was up on his feet again . I picked my arm up off of the floor and used it to push Amanda back towards the kitchen . She hesitantly started moving along side of me as I reattached my left arm . As soon as it popped back into place , I appeared to be a normal human again . Without a word , I grabbed her arm and pulled her with me . We were almost to the street when I heard the door slam behind me . I glanced over my shoulder and saw that he was turning to follow us . There was no way we were going to outrun him , so I 'd need to do something else . Just as I reached the lip of the alley , I stopped , turned , and fired . In my old world , I was a decent shot with a gun . Since I came here , I made it a point to practice shooting once a week . I knew that I 'd need to do it eventually and , thankfully , it was a long time before I was proven right . Granted , I 'm still not as good of a shot as the Punisher is , but all I need to do is be good enough . My shots were meant to do two things . The first was to come close enough to the Punisher 's head that he 'd have to duck . They were . The second was to cause a panic in the streets . They did . In and out of the chaos we weaved until I was sure that we had lost our pursuer . " What now , " she asked as I hailed us a cab . by Revis Edgewater I tried to push past the overwhelming aura of death surrounding Amanda , but it wasn 't easy . All I could do is remind myself that without knowing the how , the when , or the where , I was powerless to prevent the harm that would befall her . I suppose I could try to warn her , but she 'd just think I 'm crazy . When there are people out there who can lift cars , fly , or shoot laser beams out of their eyes , powers like mine aren 't taken very seriously . So , it 's best just to move along like nothing is happening . I waited until she left the building before I did anything . Without needing to look , I knew as soon as she stepped outside . It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest . Before I could get back into my feelings regarding the aura of death she emanated , I remembered that she told me her father 's name was Robert . " Robert , " I called out , soon realizing my mistake . Dozens of men showed up . " Robert McKenzie , " I clarified . Soon only a middle - aged man in business attire stood before me . If this was Amanda 's father , she luckily got her looks from her mother . Although , as someone who looks like a walking corpse , I don 't really have the right to judge anyone on their appearance . Robert disappeared to take a look . I always asked the ghosts to verify that the people I 'm working for are actually relatives . It wouldn 't be good for me to take people 's words for it . If spirits started thinking that I helped swindlers get their hands on things they wanted to go to their families , they wouldn 't talk to me anymore . Once again , Robert disappeared , but I wasn 't expecting him to come back this time . Of course , I wasn 't expecting the reaction he gave me either . This was a pretty tame request compared to some of the things I get asked to find . I was tempted to talk to her about it out of curiosity , but it would probably be better to just walk away from this one . I made a show of searching the office for the remainder of the time I asked her to give me . When she came back inside , I met her out in the dining area . " As I said over the phone , " I began explaining , " I won 't take your case unless I am 100 % sure that I 'll be able to help you . Unfortunately , I don 't think that I can help you . " " No . I always visit with potential clients because I am not able to determine if I can help them without meeting them first . I 'm sorry that I can 't help you . I really am . I want to , but I don 't think I 'm able to . " Something told me she wasn 't used to not getting what she wanted . Regardless , that feeling of her imminent death was starting to overwhelm me again , so I gave her a slight nod and turned towards the door . I had only taken two steps towards it when the door flew inward , coming off of its hinges . A second later , a man wearing all black , and carrying a fair number of guns walked in . As he turned towards us , I saw a skull painted on the front of his shirt .

by Revis Edgewater With five guns now swinging my way , I didn 't have time to check on the Punisher 's condition just yet . I hoped that I could get all five men with one long burst from the automatic pistol . After I mowed down the first two men , the gun began clicking . Damn . I was out of ammo . I dropped the empty gun and drew the two pistols I had in my shoulder holsters . By that time , the remaining three men had trained their guns on me and opened fire . I was hit by a barrage of bullets . None of them really did any major damage to me . Most of my coat and shirt were gone . My left pinky finger and my right middle finger had been shot off . Although I wasn 't a hundred percent sure , I was pretty sure my hat was now gone too . Their shots did nothing to slow my own attacks . My trigger fingers worked furiously , sending speeding metal at the jackasses who were doing their best to kill me . Two of them fell with new holes in their bodies . The third man had taken cover before I could get him in my sights . A metallic ring sounded off to my left and I remembered that he was the grenade thrower . I dove to my right and hoped that it 'd be enough . The explosion came as I hit the floor . Looking back to where it had gone off , I saw that I was now missing my left foot . It wasn 't ideal , but it could 've been a lot worse . My guns had miraculously managed to stay in my hands , so I made ready for when the grenade thrower moved from cover to check on his handiwork . Sure enough , he peeked around the corner to look in my direction . I shot the second I saw his head . From the other side of the room , someone else shot at the same time I did . Grenade thrower 's head literally exploded as two bullets tore through it . The Punisher stepped out of the doorway he had been using for cover , the barrel of his assault rifle smoking . There were some dents in his body armor , and some small cuts on his arms and legs , but the grenade didn 't do him any major damage . I assume he found something to hide behind before it went off . " What 're you doing here , " he gruffly asked . Grunting slightly in response , he did as I asked . Once I had my foot back in place , I picked my two fingers off the ground and reattached them . To test them out , I held up my right middle finger up to the Punisher . " It works , " I said . He ignored my awesome joke and moved further into the mansion . We made our way through the rest of it with ease . I would go into a room first and draw all of the fire . That left the Punisher free to take them out without having to worry about being under fire himself . It was the most efficient fight I had ever had in my " superhero " career . Well , when working with someone without powers , anyway . The last room we got to was the master bedroom . When I busted down the door , Dallos stood alone . He was unarmed and holding his hands in the air . " I give up , " he pleaded . " I surrender . " I wasn 't sure what he was going to do to Dallos , but I was sure that I didn 't want to be there when he did it . Besides , the sounds of the gunfight had been noticed . Police sirens played outside the house . Flashing red and blue lights could be seen in the windows in the front of the house . I needed to get the hell out of there . I took off my shirt and trenchcoat , since they were nothing more than tatters now , and grabbed replacements from one of the other bedrooms . The shirt was fine , but there wasn 't a coat as good as my trenchoat at obscuring my face . Grabbing the best thing available , I threw it on and vowed to put my ring back on as soon as I possibly could . I also tucked a change of clothes under the jacket for when I found a place without any cameras . The police were only at the front of the mansion at that point , so I was able to slip out the back undetected . I took a random route for a while , just in case someone was behind me . After finding a suitable place , I put on my ring and changed my clothes . Once that was done , I hailed a cab and took it back to my office . Just like last time , I walked in to find the Punisher sitting behind my desk . " I 've seen firsthand that bullets don 't do much against you , " he grinned as he pulled something out of his pocket . " I also saw you run from a grenade . You made my work tonight far easier than it normally is , so it would be a shame if I had to use this on you . Give me the file , and we 'll part ways as friends . " He began to frantically look around , but didn 't see anything . I could tell he was debating using the grenade , but there was no guarantee that he 'd be able to escape the blast when I was this close to him . Within seconds , his arms began to droop . Not long after he slumped over completely . " Paralyzing gas , " I told him . " A friend of mine got it for me from S . H . I . E . L . D . It works really fast once it gets into the bloodstream . Another benefit of being dead is that I no longer have blood , so it doesn 't affect me at all . I wasn 't sure that I 'd ever need this setup , but I like to be prepared . " I could easily kill you right now , and I bet that I 'd be the best friend of many spirits roaming the city tonight if I did , but I won 't be doing that . What I am going to do is drop this off at the police station . I 'm pretty sure that a lot of the people in this file probably have enough people paid off that this won 't hurt them too much , but I think some of them will face some time because of this . " All I 'm really sure of right now is what will happen if you get your hands on this : My city will gain a lot of new spirits . You may not care , because you 're done with them once they 're dead , but I do . I don 't want to have to deal with a lot of disgruntled mobsters that you set your crosshairs on . " I walked over to stand in front of him and put my face right in front of his . " I know you can hear me , so listen up . You 're going to stay right where you are until the gas wears off and then you 're going to disappear from my life forever . I 've heard you 're not to big about letting things go , so if you ever get the urge to come after me , I want you to remember something . I want you to remember how many people you 've killed . How many of those spirits would help me against you ? " Sure , you could hurt me with that grenade , but you still wouldn 't kill me . And , once I recovered , I would use every one of those spirits to find out every single thing about you . With help like that , I 'd be able to take you out before you even knew I was coming after you . Or , maybe I 'd use them to warn every person you 're targeting that you 're coming after them . I suppose I could always scare away anyone who supplies your gear , too . There 's really no end to the things I could do to disrupt your crusade . " I walked to the door , put my hand on the knob , and turned my head towards him . " No matter which option you choose , I will always be ok in the end . All you 're really doing is choosing how hard your life will be from now on . It 's up to you , Frank . " by Revis Edgewater Aa much as I wanted to run out the door to help the Punisher , there was some unfinished business to take care of here first . The fate of an innocent child was far more important to me than the fate of a man who spends his nights on a murder spree . " Why 'd you take the boy , " I asked . " Are you , or one of your sons , his father ? " " What , " Cook cried , his face crinkling up in disgust . " God , no . I 've known her since she was born . She grew up with my kids . She was like a daughter to me and a sister to my boys . It 's just that if I didn 't get him , who knows where they would 've stuck him . I took him because I thought he should stay with family . " I let my gaze drift over to Robert , who was studying Cook 's face . Making up his mind , he gave me a slight nod of his head . " Ok , Cook , " I said . " Here 's the deal . From now on , you 're out of the business . " " After tonight , you 'll never see Dallos again , so don 't worry about it . I 'm going to assume that , like McKenzie , you have a number of legitimate enterprises ? " Cook nodded , so I continued , " Good . You 're going to focus on those and raising Amanda 's son . You will care for him as much as you do your own . I will have someone watching you at all times , Cook . If you do anything to hurt that boy , I 'll be back and when I get done with you , you 'll look worse than me . " That last part put a little fear in him . I didn 't have time to stick around and press the issue . Instead , I took the elevator back downstairs and ran outside . A couple was out front about ready to climb into a taxi . Once again , my horrid appearance worked in my favor . Not only did the couple run away upon seeing me , but the driver did too . It was about time something went my way . I punched the address McKenzie gave me for Dallos into the GPS and gunned the engine , letting the navigation unit catch up as I went . I knew the general area fairly well , from my own time as a taxi driver , but I didn 't know exactly where . Another throwback to my taxi days was knowing the best routes to take to avoid traffic . It still took longer than I liked to get there , though . The last few blocks were a little odd . Through the city , I moved at a frantic pace . Out here , among the large estates that made up this neighborhood , everything seemed calm and serene . I started wondering if I had come to the wrong place . That 's when the sounds of gunshots began echoing through the night sky . A gate barred the entrance into Dallos ' estate , so I plowed the cab right through it . Or , I attempted to , at least . The gate was a lot sturdier than it looked . It stopped the car flat . Still , the taxi did enough damage to it that I was able to squeeze through it . I ran the rest of the way to the front door . When I flung it open , I was greeted by one of Dallos ' men . With one look at me , he dropped the automatic pistol he was carrying . " Oh , hell no , " he said as he raised his hands and started walking out the door behind me . " First , the Punisher and now some dude who looks like he 's right out of Night of the Living Dead ? Nope . I 'm done . I ain 't getting paid enough for this bullshit . " I watched him go , not knowing what to do . That was definitely a first for me . Shaking it out of my head , I picked up the gun he dropped and went deeper into the house . Trying to pinpoint where the gunshots were coming from based solely on the sound was impossible for me . Having no ears has its drawbacks , folks . So , basically , all I was doing was blindly walking around . In the second hallway I walked down , I found the billiards room . Going inside , I quickly located the flash drive behind the vent , grabbed it , and put it in my pocket . Before I had a chance to put the vent back , a shot rang out behind me . The bullet tore through my trenchcoat and out of my chest . I turned to see another henchman standing there with a smoking gun . His hands trembled when he saw that his shot did no damage to me . He replied by repeatedly pulling the trigger . The only thing he accomplished was putting more holes in my coat . Now , I was angry and he wouldn 't like me when I was angry . One squeeze on the automatic pistol sent a small spurt of lead in his direction . He fell backwards , landing with a groan . I didn 't see any blood coming from his torso , so he must 've been wearing a vest . There were holes in both his left thigh and the opposite shoulder . I thought about finishing him off , but just walked out of the room instead . As a general rule , l avoid killing people , especially since they might come back to haunt me . If this guy ends up going , it won 't weigh on my conscience . I gave him the chance to walk away and he chose to shoot me . I checked my pocket to make sure that the man 's barrage of bullets didn 't hit the flash drive and breathed sigh of relief when I found it intact . I continued on into the next corridor and hoped that the growing decibel level of the gunshots meant that I was getting closer to the action . I was . As I rounded a corner , I saw that there were five men firing into an open doorway . Three other men lay dead around the room . Obviously , I had found the Punisher . I raised the automatic pistol just as one of the men threw something into the room with Frank . " Punisher , " I yelled to get his attention . " Grenade ! " The men , hearing my cry , turned their guns on me . My weapon started barking out seconds before the grenade exploded . I glanced at the doorway long enough to see nothing but a cloud of dust come out of it . by Revis Edgewater Once again , the Punisher looked pissed that I was having a conversation that he couldn 't hear both sides of . I didn 't care . " Cook took your grandson , " I asked , not really believing . " With you and Amanda both dead , your grandson gives him no leverage over anyone . Why would he do that ? " " He has two sons around that age , " the Punisher interjected with a shrug . " Maybe one of them is the father . Or , maybe it 's Cook himself , if she had a thing for older men . " " They had better not be , " Robert fumed . " She told me it was some boy from school . I swear if any of those three even thought about touching my daughter , I 'll kill all of them . " " Focus , people , " I hollered . " Let 's get back to what matters . We have a deal , McKenzie . If you tell me where you hid those files , we 'll go get your grandson . " " Good point . Wouldn 't he notice that the air flow is being disrupted , though ? There 's no way those files are letting air go by them . " " Do you know how many people in this city are in the business ? I 'd need a warehouse to keep files on all of them on paper . I was forced to make an exception . " " I don 't think so . I 'm going to Dallos ' house to get the files . " The look on my face must 've shown my confusion because he clarified , " I still heard your side of the conversation , genius . " By the time I turned to try to convince the Punisher to change his mind , he was already halfway out the door . " Let him go , " McKenzie said . " We don 't need him . You 're immortal , right ? " I stood up and got my gear together . Once I had both of my shoulder holsters on , and full , I put a couple of extra clips of ammo in my pocket . An old rickety jacket was thrown over my shoulders to cover the guns up as I walked out of my office . When I was around halfway to Cook 's house , I ditched the old jacket in an alley and put on my tan trenchcoat , that I had been carrying underneath the other jacket . I put on the other garment that I had under my jacket , my brimmed hat , and pulled up the collars . My face needed to be as obscured as possible . Once I had it hidden as best I could , I pulled off the magic ring . Immediately , I returned to my actual appearance . " As far as the world knows , " I replied , ignoring the ghost 's tone of voice , " Jonathan Martin is just a regular private investigator . If a surveillance camera catches him entering , or even near , a place right before a gun fight breaks out , his life becomes far more difficult . For tonight , I 'm Ghoul . " The remainder of the walk was fairly uneventful . Most people ignored my horrid appearance . I told the few who didn 't that I was on my way to a zombie walk , which they applauded . That 's one of the great things about living in New York City . Nothing is considered weird here . Unlike Dallos , who had a house out in the suburbs , Cook resided in a fairly swanky building in the city . Swanky enough to have a doorman , anyway . I had a way around him , though . All I had to do was walk up to him and show him my face . Naturally , he freaked and tried to run away , but I grabbed him by the collar of the ridiculous looking jacket they made him wear and made him open the door first . Once he did , I released him and he ran away screaming . After I got inside , McKenzie , who had been here many times before , directed me on where to go . I got on the elevator and hit the floor number he indicated . While I was going up , I pulled my guns out of their holsters , expecting trouble as soon as the doors opened . There was none . The doors opened up directly into the living area , an entertainment room by the looks of it . Cook sat on the couch watching TV , with the infant in his hands . Obviously , he heard me approach because without turning around he said , " It wasn 't supposed to happen like that . Amanda wasn 't supposed to die . But , Dallos moved too quickly . I couldn 't stop him . " He turned to face me for the first time . To his credit , he didn 't react to my visage . " I thought you were the Punisher , " he admitted . " No , " I responded , " I 'm much more charming than he is . I can , however , kill you just as dead as he can if you keep lying to me . Now , where are your bodyguards ? " " Dallos killed Amanda because he didn 't believe her when she said she couldn 't get the file for us . He thought she was working with someone else to hide it from us . After he killed her , he said we wouldn 't need to look for her partner because they 'd come after him for revenge . So , now he 's got all of our guys , plus some extra muscle he hired on , waiting for whoever shows up . " by Revis Edgewater As soon as the Punisher told me that he wasn 't planning on killing her , I should 've known something was wrong . The aura of death surrounding Amanda told me it was coming , but I pushed it aside when I took her away from him . I still felt it , even if I didn 't admit it to myself . Had I listened to it , maybe she 'd still be alive right now . " Well , I got the green part down . I just can 't pick up cars . What I can do , though , is talk to the dead , and Amanda 's spirit just came to me . " " So do ghosts . And I have three of them here that want to talk to you . . A woman with two children . Do you want to talk to them … . Frank ? " If I were in a different situation , I might laugh at his facial expression . It was rage , confusion , and sadness all rolled into one . I didn 't have time for laughs right now . " What 's it gonna be , Frank , " I asked impatiently . " You gonna talk to them ? " " Fine , " he conceded with a snarl . " You can talk to ghosts . But if you ever bring up that woman and the children again , I don 't care how unkillable you think you are , I will find a way to end your existence . " Once again , I wanted to laugh . Oh sure , he could blow me up into a million pieces . That would certainly slow me down while my body put itself back together , but he couldn 't kill me . Trust me , more powerful people than him have tried . " I 've gone up against a lot of gangsters in my time , but McKenzie was one of the smartest I 've come across . Hell , I didn 't even know about him until about a month ago . The only reason I know about him is Cook . He never said how , but he and Dallos found out about him . They weren 't very happy that their old friend had been conning and using them . " So , they decided to start making some side deals on their own . The problem with that was they weren 't as smart as McKenzie and they caught my attention . I busted in on a deal that Cook was making with the Russians for some guns . He started cowering when the shooting started . After I killed everyone else , he tried making a deal with me . I played along with it at first , but eventually we came to an understanding . " " He 'd tell me everything he knew in exchange for me not killing his two sons when I took down the family . They were low level guys who really hadn 't done much anyways , so I was ok with giving him that one . That 's when he told me about McKenzie and what was in his files . " " Sorry , but I kinda tuned you out when you told me what was in there earlier . I was shocked when I saw Amanda walk in . What 's so important that 's in those files ? " " Dirt on every mid to major organized crime figure in the city . I don 't know how he did it , but he got incriminating evidence on all of them . That way , if anyone pushed too hard to find out his true identity , McKenzie would blackmail them into backing off . " " I 'll tell you now , " a voice interrupted . Robert McKenzie stood behind the Punisher , staring at me . " But , if I do , you have to do something for me . " by Revis Edgewater My pal Dane , aka The Black Knight , wasn 't home . From the looks of it , he hadn 't been here in a long time . That 's why I felt confident that he wouldn 't get upset that I broke in . ( Author 's Note : From what I can gather , The Black Knight now resides in the Marvel dimension known as WeirdWorld . ) After getting Amanda settled down , I asked her what was really going on . " Most people don 't know this , " she answered , " but my father was one of the most powerful people in the city . He was the leader of one of the families . " " I asked him that once myself , when I finally caught on to what he did for a living . He reminded me of how he used to laugh at the gangster movies when the leaders would lead from out front to prove how tough they were , that they were in charge . He said it was the heights of arrogance and stupidity to do that because all you were doing was making yourself , and your family , a target . " It made more sense , he said , to be the man behind the curtain , to be the puppeteer pulling the strings . They can 't take a shot at you if they don 't know you 're there . It was how he protected us . " " He didn 't want anybody to know about it . There were only a couple of guys in his organization that knew more than half of what he had going on . I only found out because I stumbled on to the books for the restaurant and studied them . I figured it would be a good way for me to learn more about real world accounting than I could in my accounting class . When I looked them over , I saw some inconsistencies and I confronted him about them . He was laundering money . He told me everything after that . " " There are two guys who are in charge now . Both of them are named John , so we called them by their last names , Cook and Dallos . They 've been friends with my dad since elementary school . Dallos is the enforcer . Cook is the brains of the operation . They thought my father was just a flunky like them . The orders stopped coming as soon as he died , so it wasn 't long before they figured it out . " " If they were angry , they didn 't show it to me . They came to me a couple of days ago saying that they had found all of dad 's files except for those of the restaurant . Apparently , there was something missing from the other files that they really needed and they figured it had to be mixed in with those . " They said that if I found it for them , they 'd make sure I 'd be taken care of . I 'm still family to them . I said that I 'd find the papers for them , but I didn 't care about the money as long as I got to keep the restaurant . Dad really loved that place . " Amanda 's eyes dropped to the ground at the memory of her father . For a second , I thought she was going to cry , but she pulled herself together . " What happens now , " she asked . " From what I know about the Punisher , he 's not one to let this drop . At least , not without a good reason . So , I 'm going to go give him a good reason . " I turned to her in triumph , a big grin on my face . A deep frown greeted me in return . " Oh , come on , " I protested . " That was the perfect place for that line ! " The frown was joined by the shaking of her head . " Whatever . I 'm going to go have a chat with the Punisher . You stay right here . This place can 't be traced to you and the only one who can tie me to it in any way is the guy who owns it . Speaking of which , if a guy in black armor , with a wicked looking sword comes in , just tell him you 're with me . " " Don 't worry . He won 't hurt you . He 's an Avenger . " Well , he used to be anyway , I said in my head . " Don 't leave this apartment for any reason . We brought enough food with us to last you a few days . I 'm not sure I 'd trust anything left in his kitchen . I 'll come back as soon as it 's safe . I promise . " " I am a detective , you know . Besides , and I hate to have to use another movie quote , but something tells me that I won 't be finding him . He 'll be finding me . " Two hours later , thanks to traffic , I was proven right . I unlocked , then opened , my office door to find The Punisher sitting behind my desk . " Tell me where the girl is , " he demanded . " Or else what , " I countered . " You can 't kill me . I 'm already dead . And because of the dead thing , I don 't feel pain anymore , so you can 't torture it out of me either . So , here 's what I propose : Don 't kill the girl , and I 'll … " " I 've been doing this a long time . By now , I can tell who is in the business and who isn 't . She clearly isn 't . " The Punisher began talking , but I didn 't hear him . My focus was now on the ghost that had walked through my office door . " I have a son , " the ghost explained . " They were waiting for me when I went to go get him . I thought he 'd be safer with me . " She stayed silent . In the moments that followed , I couldn 't help but ask myself what I was doing . Fifteen minutes ago I was perfectly fine with letting fate take its course . Now that her imminent death is right in my face , my conscience is apparently having second thoughts . Sometimes I hate having a conscience . When I get done with this situation I may have to squish a cricket . " I 'm not a bodyguard . I 'm a private detective . And , unlike someone in the room , I 'm actually licensed to carry a firearm . " He was unimpressed with my bravado . Still , my best chance at getting her out of this alive was to get his attention onto me . " So , how does it feel to live your life as a hypocrite ? " That one kind of worked . His face was still stuck on her , but his eyes flicked over to me . I pressed , " That 's right , I 've heard about you . They say that you go around killing criminals , murderers , but you 're nothing more than a murderer yourself . " Instead of getting angry , he smirked . He knew what I was trying to do . His eyes going back to Amanda , he growled , " You shouldn 't have tried to take over your father 's business . " Obviously , there 's a lot more than just a restaurant at stake here , but I didn 't have time to ponder it . The Punisher pulled a sawed off shotgun from a holster on his back . He moved , what seemed to me to be , impossibly quick . Before I knew what had happened , the shotgun went off and I was standing in front of Amanda . Despite the fact that the scene should now be chaotic , I found that both of them were just staring at me in shock . The first thing I noticed was that the shotgun had blown off my left arm at the shoulder . My arm was now lying on the floor beside me , with my magic ring still attached to my finger . They now saw what I really looked like . " Dammit , " I muttered . It 's been a while since I 've had to pick a piece of myself off the ground . Before the Punisher could recover , I fired two shots from the pistol I still held in my other hand . The bullets hit him center mass and he stumbled to the ground . I knew that someone in his line of work had to be wearing some kind of body armor . That meant I didn 't have long before he was up on his feet again . I picked my arm up off of the floor and used it to push Amanda back towards the kitchen . She hesitantly started moving along side of me as I reattached my left arm . As soon as it popped back into place , I appeared to be a normal human again . Without a word , I grabbed her arm and pulled her with me . We were almost to the street when I heard the door slam behind me . I glanced over my shoulder and saw that he was turning to follow us . There was no way we were going to outrun him , so I 'd need to do something else . Just as I reached the lip of the alley , I stopped , turned , and fired . In my old world , I was a decent shot with a gun . Since I came here , I made it a point to practice shooting once a week . I knew that I 'd need to do it eventually and , thankfully , it was a long time before I was proven right . Granted , I 'm still not as good of a shot as the Punisher is , but all I need to do is be good enough . My shots were meant to do two things . The first was to come close enough to the Punisher 's head that he 'd have to duck . They were . The second was to cause a panic in the streets . They did . In and out of the chaos we weaved until I was sure that we had lost our pursuer . " What now , " she asked as I hailed us a cab . by Revis Edgewater I tried to push past the overwhelming aura of death surrounding Amanda , but it wasn 't easy . All I could do is remind myself that without knowing the how , the when , or the where , I was powerless to prevent the harm that would befall her . I suppose I could try to warn her , but she 'd just think I 'm crazy . When there are people out there who can lift cars , fly , or shoot laser beams out of their eyes , powers like mine aren 't taken very seriously . So , it 's best just to move along like nothing is happening . I waited until she left the building before I did anything . Without needing to look , I knew as soon as she stepped outside . It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest . Before I could get back into my feelings regarding the aura of death she emanated , I remembered that she told me her father 's name was Robert . " Robert , " I called out , soon realizing my mistake . Dozens of men showed up . " Robert McKenzie , " I clarified . Soon only a middle - aged man in business attire stood before me . If this was Amanda 's father , she luckily got her looks from her mother . Although , as someone who looks like a walking corpse , I don 't really have the right to judge anyone on their appearance . Robert disappeared to take a look . I always asked the ghosts to verify that the people I 'm working for are actually relatives . It wouldn 't be good for me to take people 's words for it . If spirits started thinking that I helped swindlers get their hands on things they wanted to go to their families , they wouldn 't talk to me anymore . Once again , Robert disappeared , but I wasn 't expecting him to come back this time . Of course , I wasn 't expecting the reaction he gave me either . This was a pretty tame request compared to some of the things I get asked to find . I was tempted to talk to her about it out of curiosity , but it would probably be better to just walk away from this one . I made a show of searching the office for the remainder of the time I asked her to give me . When she came back inside , I met her out in the dining area . " As I said over the phone , " I began explaining , " I won 't take your case unless I am 100 % sure that I 'll be able to help you . Unfortunately , I don 't think that I can help you . " " No . I always visit with potential clients because I am not able to determine if I can help them without meeting them first . I 'm sorry that I can 't help you . I really am . I want to , but I don 't think I 'm able to . " Something told me she wasn 't used to not getting what she wanted . Regardless , that feeling of her imminent death was starting to overwhelm me again , so I gave her a slight nod and turned towards the door . I had only taken two steps towards it when the door flew inward , coming off of its hinges . A second later , a man wearing all black , and carrying a fair number of guns walked in . As he turned towards us , I saw a skull painted on the front of his shirt .

by Revis Edgewater With five guns now swinging my way , I didn 't have time to check on the Punisher 's condition just yet . I hoped that I could get all five men with one long burst from the automatic pistol . After I mowed down the first two men , the gun began clicking . Damn . I was out of ammo . I dropped the empty gun and drew the two pistols I had in my shoulder holsters . By that time , the remaining three men had trained their guns on me and opened fire . I was hit by a barrage of bullets . None of them really did any major damage to me . Most of my coat and shirt were gone . My left pinky finger and my right middle finger had been shot off . Although I wasn 't a hundred percent sure , I was pretty sure my hat was now gone too . Their shots did nothing to slow my own attacks . My trigger fingers worked furiously , sending speeding metal at the jackasses who were doing their best to kill me . Two of them fell with new holes in their bodies . The third man had taken cover before I could get him in my sights . A metallic ring sounded off to my left and I remembered that he was the grenade thrower . I dove to my right and hoped that it 'd be enough . The explosion came as I hit the floor . Looking back to where it had gone off , I saw that I was now missing my left foot . It wasn 't ideal , but it could 've been a lot worse . My guns had miraculously managed to stay in my hands , so I made ready for when the grenade thrower moved from cover to check on his handiwork . Sure enough , he peeked around the corner to look in my direction . I shot the second I saw his head . From the other side of the room , someone else shot at the same time I did . Grenade thrower 's head literally exploded as two bullets tore through it . The Punisher stepped out of the doorway he had been using for cover , the barrel of his assault rifle smoking . There were some dents in his body armor , and some small cuts on his arms and legs , but the grenade didn 't do him any major damage . I assume he found something to hide behind before it went off . " What 're you doing here , " he gruffly asked . Grunting slightly in response , he did as I asked . Once I had my foot back in place , I picked my two fingers off the ground and reattached them . To test them out , I held up my right middle finger up to the Punisher . " It works , " I said . He ignored my awesome joke and moved further into the mansion . We made our way through the rest of it with ease . I would go into a room first and draw all of the fire . That left the Punisher free to take them out without having to worry about being under fire himself . It was the most efficient fight I had ever had in my " superhero " career . Well , when working with someone without powers , anyway . The last room we got to was the master bedroom . When I busted down the door , Dallos stood alone . He was unarmed and holding his hands in the air . " I give up , " he pleaded . " I surrender . " I wasn 't sure what he was going to do to Dallos , but I was sure that I didn 't want to be there when he did it . Besides , the sounds of the gunfight had been noticed . Police sirens played outside the house . Flashing red and blue lights could be seen in the windows in the front of the house . I needed to get the hell out of there . I took off my shirt and trenchcoat , since they were nothing more than tatters now , and grabbed replacements from one of the other bedrooms . The shirt was fine , but there wasn 't a coat as good as my trenchoat at obscuring my face . Grabbing the best thing available , I threw it on and vowed to put my ring back on as soon as I possibly could . I also tucked a change of clothes under the jacket for when I found a place without any cameras . The police were only at the front of the mansion at that point , so I was able to slip out the back undetected . I took a random route for a while , just in case someone was behind me . After finding a suitable place , I put on my ring and changed my clothes . Once that was done , I hailed a cab and took it back to my office . Just like last time , I walked in to find the Punisher sitting behind my desk . " I 've seen firsthand that bullets don 't do much against you , " he grinned as he pulled something out of his pocket . " I also saw you run from a grenade . You made my work tonight far easier than it normally is , so it would be a shame if I had to use this on you . Give me the file , and we 'll part ways as friends . " He began to frantically look around , but didn 't see anything . I could tell he was debating using the grenade , but there was no guarantee that he 'd be able to escape the blast when I was this close to him . Within seconds , his arms began to droop . Not long after he slumped over completely . " Paralyzing gas , " I told him . " A friend of mine got it for me from S . H . I . E . L . D . It works really fast once it gets into the bloodstream . Another benefit of being dead is that I no longer have blood , so it doesn 't affect me at all . I wasn 't sure that I 'd ever need this setup , but I like to be prepared . " I could easily kill you right now , and I bet that I 'd be the best friend of many spirits roaming the city tonight if I did , but I won 't be doing that . What I am going to do is drop this off at the police station . I 'm pretty sure that a lot of the people in this file probably have enough people paid off that this won 't hurt them too much , but I think some of them will face some time because of this . " All I 'm really sure of right now is what will happen if you get your hands on this : My city will gain a lot of new spirits . You may not care , because you 're done with them once they 're dead , but I do . I don 't want to have to deal with a lot of disgruntled mobsters that you set your crosshairs on . " I walked over to stand in front of him and put my face right in front of his . " I know you can hear me , so listen up . You 're going to stay right where you are until the gas wears off and then you 're going to disappear from my life forever . I 've heard you 're not to big about letting things go , so if you ever get the urge to come after me , I want you to remember something . I want you to remember how many people you 've killed . How many of those spirits would help me against you ? " Sure , you could hurt me with that grenade , but you still wouldn 't kill me . And , once I recovered , I would use every one of those spirits to find out every single thing about you . With help like that , I 'd be able to take you out before you even knew I was coming after you . Or , maybe I 'd use them to warn every person you 're targeting that you 're coming after them . I suppose I could always scare away anyone who supplies your gear , too . There 's really no end to the things I could do to disrupt your crusade . " I walked to the door , put my hand on the knob , and turned my head towards him . " No matter which option you choose , I will always be ok in the end . All you 're really doing is choosing how hard your life will be from now on . It 's up to you , Frank . " by Revis Edgewater Aa much as I wanted to run out the door to help the Punisher , there was some unfinished business to take care of here first . The fate of an innocent child was far more important to me than the fate of a man who spends his nights on a murder spree . " Why 'd you take the boy , " I asked . " Are you , or one of your sons , his father ? " " What , " Cook cried , his face crinkling up in disgust . " God , no . I 've known her since she was born . She grew up with my kids . She was like a daughter to me and a sister to my boys . It 's just that if I didn 't get him , who knows where they would 've stuck him . I took him because I thought he should stay with family . " I let my gaze drift over to Robert , who was studying Cook 's face . Making up his mind , he gave me a slight nod of his head . " Ok , Cook , " I said . " Here 's the deal . From now on , you 're out of the business . " " After tonight , you 'll never see Dallos again , so don 't worry about it . I 'm going to assume that , like McKenzie , you have a number of legitimate enterprises ? " Cook nodded , so I continued , " Good . You 're going to focus on those and raising Amanda 's son . You will care for him as much as you do your own . I will have someone watching you at all times , Cook . If you do anything to hurt that boy , I 'll be back and when I get done with you , you 'll look worse than me . " That last part put a little fear in him . I didn 't have time to stick around and press the issue . Instead , I took the elevator back downstairs and ran outside . A couple was out front about ready to climb into a taxi . Once again , my horrid appearance worked in my favor . Not only did the couple run away upon seeing me , but the driver did too . It was about time something went my way . I punched the address McKenzie gave me for Dallos into the GPS and gunned the engine , letting the navigation unit catch up as I went . I knew the general area fairly well , from my own time as a taxi driver , but I didn 't know exactly where . Another throwback to my taxi days was knowing the best routes to take to avoid traffic . It still took longer than I liked to get there , though . The last few blocks were a little odd . Through the city , I moved at a frantic pace . Out here , among the large estates that made up this neighborhood , everything seemed calm and serene . I started wondering if I had come to the wrong place . That 's when the sounds of gunshots began echoing through the night sky . A gate barred the entrance into Dallos ' estate , so I plowed the cab right through it . Or , I attempted to , at least . The gate was a lot sturdier than it looked . It stopped the car flat . Still , the taxi did enough damage to it that I was able to squeeze through it . I ran the rest of the way to the front door . When I flung it open , I was greeted by one of Dallos ' men . With one look at me , he dropped the automatic pistol he was carrying . " Oh , hell no , " he said as he raised his hands and started walking out the door behind me . " First , the Punisher and now some dude who looks like he 's right out of Night of the Living Dead ? Nope . I 'm done . I ain 't getting paid enough for this bullshit . " I watched him go , not knowing what to do . That was definitely a first for me . Shaking it out of my head , I picked up the gun he dropped and went deeper into the house . Trying to pinpoint where the gunshots were coming from based solely on the sound was impossible for me . Having no ears has its drawbacks , folks . So , basically , all I was doing was blindly walking around . In the second hallway I walked down , I found the billiards room . Going inside , I quickly located the flash drive behind the vent , grabbed it , and put it in my pocket . Before I had a chance to put the vent back , a shot rang out behind me . The bullet tore through my trenchcoat and out of my chest . I turned to see another henchman standing there with a smoking gun . His hands trembled when he saw that his shot did no damage to me . He replied by repeatedly pulling the trigger . The only thing he accomplished was putting more holes in my coat . Now , I was angry and he wouldn 't like me when I was angry . One squeeze on the automatic pistol sent a small spurt of lead in his direction . He fell backwards , landing with a groan . I didn 't see any blood coming from his torso , so he must 've been wearing a vest . There were holes in both his left thigh and the opposite shoulder . I thought about finishing him off , but just walked out of the room instead . As a general rule , l avoid killing people , especially since they might come back to haunt me . If this guy ends up going , it won 't weigh on my conscience . I gave him the chance to walk away and he chose to shoot me . I checked my pocket to make sure that the man 's barrage of bullets didn 't hit the flash drive and breathed sigh of relief when I found it intact . I continued on into the next corridor and hoped that the growing decibel level of the gunshots meant that I was getting closer to the action . I was . As I rounded a corner , I saw that there were five men firing into an open doorway . Three other men lay dead around the room . Obviously , I had found the Punisher . I raised the automatic pistol just as one of the men threw something into the room with Frank . " Punisher , " I yelled to get his attention . " Grenade ! " The men , hearing my cry , turned their guns on me . My weapon started barking out seconds before the grenade exploded . I glanced at the doorway long enough to see nothing but a cloud of dust come out of it . by Revis Edgewater Once again , the Punisher looked pissed that I was having a conversation that he couldn 't hear both sides of . I didn 't care . " Cook took your grandson , " I asked , not really believing . " With you and Amanda both dead , your grandson gives him no leverage over anyone . Why would he do that ? " " He has two sons around that age , " the Punisher interjected with a shrug . " Maybe one of them is the father . Or , maybe it 's Cook himself , if she had a thing for older men . " " They had better not be , " Robert fumed . " She told me it was some boy from school . I swear if any of those three even thought about touching my daughter , I 'll kill all of them . " " Focus , people , " I hollered . " Let 's get back to what matters . We have a deal , McKenzie . If you tell me where you hid those files , we 'll go get your grandson . " " Good point . Wouldn 't he notice that the air flow is being disrupted , though ? There 's no way those files are letting air go by them . " " Do you know how many people in this city are in the business ? I 'd need a warehouse to keep files on all of them on paper . I was forced to make an exception . " " I don 't think so . I 'm going to Dallos ' house to get the files . " The look on my face must 've shown my confusion because he clarified , " I still heard your side of the conversation , genius . " By the time I turned to try to convince the Punisher to change his mind , he was already halfway out the door . " Let him go , " McKenzie said . " We don 't need him . You 're immortal , right ? " I stood up and got my gear together . Once I had both of my shoulder holsters on , and full , I put a couple of extra clips of ammo in my pocket . An old rickety jacket was thrown over my shoulders to cover the guns up as I walked out of my office . When I was around halfway to Cook 's house , I ditched the old jacket in an alley and put on my tan trenchcoat , that I had been carrying underneath the other jacket . I put on the other garment that I had under my jacket , my brimmed hat , and pulled up the collars . My face needed to be as obscured as possible . Once I had it hidden as best I could , I pulled off the magic ring . Immediately , I returned to my actual appearance . " As far as the world knows , " I replied , ignoring the ghost 's tone of voice , " Jonathan Martin is just a regular private investigator . If a surveillance camera catches him entering , or even near , a place right before a gun fight breaks out , his life becomes far more difficult . For tonight , I 'm Ghoul . " The remainder of the walk was fairly uneventful . Most people ignored my horrid appearance . I told the few who didn 't that I was on my way to a zombie walk , which they applauded . That 's one of the great things about living in New York City . Nothing is considered weird here . Unlike Dallos , who had a house out in the suburbs , Cook resided in a fairly swanky building in the city . Swanky enough to have a doorman , anyway . I had a way around him , though . All I had to do was walk up to him and show him my face . Naturally , he freaked and tried to run away , but I grabbed him by the collar of the ridiculous looking jacket they made him wear and made him open the door first . Once he did , I released him and he ran away screaming . After I got inside , McKenzie , who had been here many times before , directed me on where to go . I got on the elevator and hit the floor number he indicated . While I was going up , I pulled my guns out of their holsters , expecting trouble as soon as the doors opened . There was none . The doors opened up directly into the living area , an entertainment room by the looks of it . Cook sat on the couch watching TV , with the infant in his hands . Obviously , he heard me approach because without turning around he said , " It wasn 't supposed to happen like that . Amanda wasn 't supposed to die . But , Dallos moved too quickly . I couldn 't stop him . " He turned to face me for the first time . To his credit , he didn 't react to my visage . " I thought you were the Punisher , " he admitted . " No , " I responded , " I 'm much more charming than he is . I can , however , kill you just as dead as he can if you keep lying to me . Now , where are your bodyguards ? " " Dallos killed Amanda because he didn 't believe her when she said she couldn 't get the file for us . He thought she was working with someone else to hide it from us . After he killed her , he said we wouldn 't need to look for her partner because they 'd come after him for revenge . So , now he 's got all of our guys , plus some extra muscle he hired on , waiting for whoever shows up . " by Revis Edgewater As soon as the Punisher told me that he wasn 't planning on killing her , I should 've known something was wrong . The aura of death surrounding Amanda told me it was coming , but I pushed it aside when I took her away from him . I still felt it , even if I didn 't admit it to myself . Had I listened to it , maybe she 'd still be alive right now . " Well , I got the green part down . I just can 't pick up cars . What I can do , though , is talk to the dead , and Amanda 's spirit just came to me . " " So do ghosts . And I have three of them here that want to talk to you . . A woman with two children . Do you want to talk to them … . Frank ? " If I were in a different situation , I might laugh at his facial expression . It was rage , confusion , and sadness all rolled into one . I didn 't have time for laughs right now . " What 's it gonna be , Frank , " I asked impatiently . " You gonna talk to them ? " " Fine , " he conceded with a snarl . " You can talk to ghosts . But if you ever bring up that woman and the children again , I don 't care how unkillable you think you are , I will find a way to end your existence . " Once again , I wanted to laugh . Oh sure , he could blow me up into a million pieces . That would certainly slow me down while my body put itself back together , but he couldn 't kill me . Trust me , more powerful people than him have tried . " I 've gone up against a lot of gangsters in my time , but McKenzie was one of the smartest I 've come across . Hell , I didn 't even know about him until about a month ago . The only reason I know about him is Cook . He never said how , but he and Dallos found out about him . They weren 't very happy that their old friend had been conning and using them . " So , they decided to start making some side deals on their own . The problem with that was they weren 't as smart as McKenzie and they caught my attention . I busted in on a deal that Cook was making with the Russians for some guns . He started cowering when the shooting started . After I killed everyone else , he tried making a deal with me . I played along with it at first , but eventually we came to an understanding . " " He 'd tell me everything he knew in exchange for me not killing his two sons when I took down the family . They were low level guys who really hadn 't done much anyways , so I was ok with giving him that one . That 's when he told me about McKenzie and what was in his files . " " Sorry , but I kinda tuned you out when you told me what was in there earlier . I was shocked when I saw Amanda walk in . What 's so important that 's in those files ? " " Dirt on every mid to major organized crime figure in the city . I don 't know how he did it , but he got incriminating evidence on all of them . That way , if anyone pushed too hard to find out his true identity , McKenzie would blackmail them into backing off . " " I 'll tell you now , " a voice interrupted . Robert McKenzie stood behind the Punisher , staring at me . " But , if I do , you have to do something for me . " by Revis Edgewater My pal Dane , aka The Black Knight , wasn 't home . From the looks of it , he hadn 't been here in a long time . That 's why I felt confident that he wouldn 't get upset that I broke in . ( Author 's Note : From what I can gather , The Black Knight now resides in the Marvel dimension known as WeirdWorld . ) After getting Amanda settled down , I asked her what was really going on . " Most people don 't know this , " she answered , " but my father was one of the most powerful people in the city . He was the leader of one of the families . " " I asked him that once myself , when I finally caught on to what he did for a living . He reminded me of how he used to laugh at the gangster movies when the leaders would lead from out front to prove how tough they were , that they were in charge . He said it was the heights of arrogance and stupidity to do that because all you were doing was making yourself , and your family , a target . " It made more sense , he said , to be the man behind the curtain , to be the puppeteer pulling the strings . They can 't take a shot at you if they don 't know you 're there . It was how he protected us . " " He didn 't want anybody to know about it . There were only a couple of guys in his organization that knew more than half of what he had going on . I only found out because I stumbled on to the books for the restaurant and studied them . I figured it would be a good way for me to learn more about real world accounting than I could in my accounting class . When I looked them over , I saw some inconsistencies and I confronted him about them . He was laundering money . He told me everything after that . " " There are two guys who are in charge now . Both of them are named John , so we called them by their last names , Cook and Dallos . They 've been friends with my dad since elementary school . Dallos is the enforcer . Cook is the brains of the operation . They thought my father was just a flunky like them . The orders stopped coming as soon as he died , so it wasn 't long before they figured it out . " " If they were angry , they didn 't show it to me . They came to me a couple of days ago saying that they had found all of dad 's files except for those of the restaurant . Apparently , there was something missing from the other files that they really needed and they figured it had to be mixed in with those . " They said that if I found it for them , they 'd make sure I 'd be taken care of . I 'm still family to them . I said that I 'd find the papers for them , but I didn 't care about the money as long as I got to keep the restaurant . Dad really loved that place . " Amanda 's eyes dropped to the ground at the memory of her father . For a second , I thought she was going to cry , but she pulled herself together . " What happens now , " she asked . " From what I know about the Punisher , he 's not one to let this drop . At least , not without a good reason . So , I 'm going to go give him a good reason . " I turned to her in triumph , a big grin on my face . A deep frown greeted me in return . " Oh , come on , " I protested . " That was the perfect place for that line ! " The frown was joined by the shaking of her head . " Whatever . I 'm going to go have a chat with the Punisher . You stay right here . This place can 't be traced to you and the only one who can tie me to it in any way is the guy who owns it . Speaking of which , if a guy in black armor , with a wicked looking sword comes in , just tell him you 're with me . " " Don 't worry . He won 't hurt you . He 's an Avenger . " Well , he used to be anyway , I said in my head . " Don 't leave this apartment for any reason . We brought enough food with us to last you a few days . I 'm not sure I 'd trust anything left in his kitchen . I 'll come back as soon as it 's safe . I promise . " " I am a detective , you know . Besides , and I hate to have to use another movie quote , but something tells me that I won 't be finding him . He 'll be finding me . " Two hours later , thanks to traffic , I was proven right . I unlocked , then opened , my office door to find The Punisher sitting behind my desk . " Tell me where the girl is , " he demanded . " Or else what , " I countered . " You can 't kill me . I 'm already dead . And because of the dead thing , I don 't feel pain anymore , so you can 't torture it out of me either . So , here 's what I propose : Don 't kill the girl , and I 'll … " " I 've been doing this a long time . By now , I can tell who is in the business and who isn 't . She clearly isn 't . " The Punisher began talking , but I didn 't hear him . My focus was now on the ghost that had walked through my office door . " I have a son , " the ghost explained . " They were waiting for me when I went to go get him . I thought he 'd be safer with me . " She stayed silent . In the moments that followed , I couldn 't help but ask myself what I was doing . Fifteen minutes ago I was perfectly fine with letting fate take its course . Now that her imminent death is right in my face , my conscience is apparently having second thoughts . Sometimes I hate having a conscience . When I get done with this situation I may have to squish a cricket . " I 'm not a bodyguard . I 'm a private detective . And , unlike someone in the room , I 'm actually licensed to carry a firearm . " He was unimpressed with my bravado . Still , my best chance at getting her out of this alive was to get his attention onto me . " So , how does it feel to live your life as a hypocrite ? " That one kind of worked . His face was still stuck on her , but his eyes flicked over to me . I pressed , " That 's right , I 've heard about you . They say that you go around killing criminals , murderers , but you 're nothing more than a murderer yourself . " Instead of getting angry , he smirked . He knew what I was trying to do . His eyes going back to Amanda , he growled , " You shouldn 't have tried to take over your father 's business . " Obviously , there 's a lot more than just a restaurant at stake here , but I didn 't have time to ponder it . The Punisher pulled a sawed off shotgun from a holster on his back . He moved , what seemed to me to be , impossibly quick . Before I knew what had happened , the shotgun went off and I was standing in front of Amanda . Despite the fact that the scene should now be chaotic , I found that both of them were just staring at me in shock . The first thing I noticed was that the shotgun had blown off my left arm at the shoulder . My arm was now lying on the floor beside me , with my magic ring still attached to my finger . They now saw what I really looked like . " Dammit , " I muttered . It 's been a while since I 've had to pick a piece of myself off the ground . Before the Punisher could recover , I fired two shots from the pistol I still held in my other hand . The bullets hit him center mass and he stumbled to the ground . I knew that someone in his line of work had to be wearing some kind of body armor . That meant I didn 't have long before he was up on his feet again . I picked my arm up off of the floor and used it to push Amanda back towards the kitchen . She hesitantly started moving along side of me as I reattached my left arm . As soon as it popped back into place , I appeared to be a normal human again . Without a word , I grabbed her arm and pulled her with me . We were almost to the street when I heard the door slam behind me . I glanced over my shoulder and saw that he was turning to follow us . There was no way we were going to outrun him , so I 'd need to do something else . Just as I reached the lip of the alley , I stopped , turned , and fired . In my old world , I was a decent shot with a gun . Since I came here , I made it a point to practice shooting once a week . I knew that I 'd need to do it eventually and , thankfully , it was a long time before I was proven right . Granted , I 'm still not as good of a shot as the Punisher is , but all I need to do is be good enough . My shots were meant to do two things . The first was to come close enough to the Punisher 's head that he 'd have to duck . They were . The second was to cause a panic in the streets . They did . In and out of the chaos we weaved until I was sure that we had lost our pursuer . " What now , " she asked as I hailed us a cab . by Revis Edgewater I tried to push past the overwhelming aura of death surrounding Amanda , but it wasn 't easy . All I could do is remind myself that without knowing the how , the when , or the where , I was powerless to prevent the harm that would befall her . I suppose I could try to warn her , but she 'd just think I 'm crazy . When there are people out there who can lift cars , fly , or shoot laser beams out of their eyes , powers like mine aren 't taken very seriously . So , it 's best just to move along like nothing is happening . I waited until she left the building before I did anything . Without needing to look , I knew as soon as she stepped outside . It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest . Before I could get back into my feelings regarding the aura of death she emanated , I remembered that she told me her father 's name was Robert . " Robert , " I called out , soon realizing my mistake . Dozens of men showed up . " Robert McKenzie , " I clarified . Soon only a middle - aged man in business attire stood before me . If this was Amanda 's father , she luckily got her looks from her mother . Although , as someone who looks like a walking corpse , I don 't really have the right to judge anyone on their appearance . Robert disappeared to take a look . I always asked the ghosts to verify that the people I 'm working for are actually relatives . It wouldn 't be good for me to take people 's words for it . If spirits started thinking that I helped swindlers get their hands on things they wanted to go to their families , they wouldn 't talk to me anymore . Once again , Robert disappeared , but I wasn 't expecting him to come back this time . Of course , I wasn 't expecting the reaction he gave me either . This was a pretty tame request compared to some of the things I get asked to find . I was tempted to talk to her about it out of curiosity , but it would probably be better to just walk away from this one . I made a show of searching the office for the remainder of the time I asked her to give me . When she came back inside , I met her out in the dining area . " As I said over the phone , " I began explaining , " I won 't take your case unless I am 100 % sure that I 'll be able to help you . Unfortunately , I don 't think that I can help you . " " No . I always visit with potential clients because I am not able to determine if I can help them without meeting them first . I 'm sorry that I can 't help you . I really am . I want to , but I don 't think I 'm able to . " Something told me she wasn 't used to not getting what she wanted . Regardless , that feeling of her imminent death was starting to overwhelm me again , so I gave her a slight nod and turned towards the door . I had only taken two steps towards it when the door flew inward , coming off of its hinges . A second later , a man wearing all black , and carrying a fair number of guns walked in . As he turned towards us , I saw a skull painted on the front of his shirt .

What he saw was so out of place that for a moment he questioned whether he had jumped through time . There somebody was , right in front of him , talking on a cellphone ! It was pressed to her face hard enough to leave lines on her face , if she ever peeled it off . He definitely was not in 1814 anymore . What was happening ? " Harold , " he said to himself , " Don 't be ridiculous . Take a breath . " He took a long , steadying breath . He blew out , lips pursed , and shook himself . Of course he had jumped through time . He couldn 't very well have stayed in 1814 forever . It was simply too difficult , tripping over ladies ' hoop skirts all day and having to worry about tuberculosis and such . Not to mention the cows . Centuries ago , there were entirely too many cows all over the place . And then there were horses , too . It was just not to be borne , and so Harold would be very glad to be back , once he got over the shock . It was always a jolt to his system every time that the time changed . The jump wasn 't a choice , exactly . Once , he had been able to control it . With just a squint of his eyes and a moment of concentration , he could skip back to the Jurassic Period and run from some dinosaurs until he got bored and decided to come back . He had done that , and some other epochs as well , until once in the early Middle Ages he had gotten stuck . He had lived among the filthiest people for a full year before he was able to pull himself back to the present . That seemed like a good time for a break , and several hot baths in a row . Eight of them , actually . Luckily , nothing bubonic had happened yet when he had been , or anything else that came back with him . It was , in a manner of speaking , a clean break . Eventually the skips had just started happening , dragging him along without his doing anything and certainly without his consent . There really is only so much time one person can spend in the past . Before too long , you get bogged down , held back , tied up , and entirely irritated . All in all , Harold was relieved to see a cell phone , though he 'd been in the nineteenth century for such a time that it took him a full ten minutes for figure out what had happened . " Well , I supposed I 'd better get out of these clothes , " he muttered , tugging at the cravat . Once he had untucked his blouse from his pants and disposed of the frock coat , he felt almost normal . At least when he traveled , he stayed in approximately the same place . This had been awkward for a while until he figured out that he 'd better make sure the heights matched . He 'd gotten quite good at doing research on past architecture and geology . This meant that he wasn 't far from home , now that he was back to his time . He could walk , and he did . When he got home , the door was locked . Nineteenth - century gentlemen don 't carry around twenty - first - century house keys , so of course he didn 't have one with him . There should have been one under the frog statue , but he couldn 't even find the frog . " Bloody hell , " he said to himself , and pounded on the door in frustration . He sagged . " Yes ? " Harold almost fell into the hallway when the door swung open . A young woman was looking at him , a phone in one hand and a sponge in the other . Her eyes narrowed to see a disheveled man in a blouse with sideburns falling down . He looked up at her . " What on earth are you doing here ? You , um , you died . You died in 1813 . A year ago . I mean , two hundred and two years ago . What ? What . " She rolled her eyes . " You 're such a man . My goodness . You think you 're the only person in the universe , the only person like you , and the rest of the humans are all just little ants or something , don 't you ? " She slapped him across the face . Gently . " Well , you couldn 't expect everyone to live like that forever , right ? I was quite fond of you , but my God , embroidery gets very boring . And I didn 't know you could time travel too . I 'd just gone on little trips before , ones that I could get away with . " " What ? " Harold scrunched up his face and opened his eyes wide . He was definitely awake . " You 're a , I mean , you time traveled ? " Cecilia sighed . " Yes , I did . And do . And I came here because I thought two hundred years would make a nice change . I looked up your last name , on a whim , and was very surprised when I found you . There can 't be that many Harold Edgartonvilles in the world , so I lied to a locksmith and got into your house . I 've been living here ever since . I didn 't expect you back , honestly . " Suddenly he was nervous . " I mean , because I liked you . Um , I loved you . And then you died ? But now you 're here . " She smiled . He had missed that dimple in her cheek , and the way she glanced down when she was happy about something . " So my parents said I 'd died , huh ? Of course they did . They probably assumed I 'd run away or something . Can 't have that . How weird . " " Cee , uh , what about me though ? You 're living in my house . I need to live here . And you could , you know , say something back about how I feel . How you feel . We 're not in the nineteenth century anymore . " He blinked and the world wrenched itself around his body . When his eyes opened again , he was in the countryside . In a field , far off , he could see a peasant girl bent to the ground . He was surrounded . He sighed . Cows again . So many cows . I shrugged . " There 's nothing to see . " I didn 't see anything . We were walking down the street . The sidewalk was gray . It was always gray , spotted and pitted and stained like it always was . The buildings were brick and concrete and steel just like usual . The men sitting on the steps hooted at us as we walked past , as they did every day . I didn 't see anything whatsoever out of the ordinary . She nodded . A smile puffed up her cheeks . She pulled my hand up and against her chest , hard . I heard a whistle , but as if it were far away . I saw . The air moved . The stumpy trees , crowded between street and sidewalk , breathed . The man eyeing us from the corner made a small noise in the back of his throat . I saw it . I reached up to my face , but it hadn 't changed . My eyes were the same , wide open and staring but no bigger . They felt hot , but my fingers felt no heat through my eyelids . Everything was vibrating , shimmering , wrapped in silver and ringing . I blinked , and watched the slow motion movement of my vision shrinking as the bodies in front of me shifted , like walking through sand , running through water , held in place by time and the gleaming shattering air all around them . When I opened my eyes again , she had dropped my hand . The world was normal again . The man on the corner was now looking at us with undisguised curiosity , his mouth twisted . Somebody 's dropped bottle of soda rolled across the sidewalk . She was looking at me , her eyes wide now , her lips tucked in . " I don 't know , " I said , closing my eyes tight for a moment . " Everything went funny for a second . What am I supposed to 've seen ? " I grabbed her hand again , and we started walking . My legs felt weak , shaking , as though I 'd just climbed the longest stairway . " No , " I said , not looking at her . " Come on , be real . There 's no such thing . " Sometimes I still see it out of the corner of my eyes . Once you see like that , I guess , it 's learned . You can 't really unsee . Your eyes already know the shapes and patterns , the light that fills everything . The shuddering of the shadows and the way the brightness shakes , presses , bursts . The contrasts are overwhelming . It gives me a headache . I can 't wish I 'd never seen . I just pretend that I didn 't , though . I press my fingers to my temples and take a breath and then go on as though nothing has happened at all . She looks at me oddly when that happens , when she notices . It happens more around her , I think . It makes it hard to be around her , but of course I do anyway . I can 't stop loving her just because I see magic when I 'm with her . She 's worth the pain in my head and that brief , disconcerting feeling that the world has shifted just an inch or so in between each shuttering of my eyelids . When she looks at the world , there is wonder written in the lines of her face . I understand why , I suppose , even though when I look at the world it 's ordinary at best . At worst , the beauty and the terror fleeting across my vision make me want to crouch down , eyes closed , head safely inside my arms and nothing before me . Either way , we keep going , together . There isn 't much else to do , is there ? Not for me , anyway . This is just how it always is . Her beauty , my pain . At the end of the day when we curl around each other , it 's night . The room is dark . The lights are off . We press our bodies together , skin to skin , touch over sight . Neither of us can see anything at all . On 145th Street , there 's a building full of rain . I don 't mean that it 's flooded or anything . It 's not like when you open the door , the jangly glass kind at the front of a store , there 's water that rushes out and pushes you across the sidewalk in its hurry . There 's only perhaps an inch of water on the floor . It must leak out somewhere , and you can see the stain as it bleeds into the pavement at your feet when you 're right outside . You don 't get hit with a wave when you open the door . You just hear it ; ppt ptt ppt ppt tpp prt . Thrumming against the concrete floor . I found the rain room by accident . I was trying to get away from a thunderstorm , if you can believe that . I was running down the street with my coat over my head and my slippery - wet hand in my girlfriend 's hand , our fingers jamming together . We were laughing like mad . It had just started raining , out of the blue . Really , the sky had looked clear as any day when all the sun wants to do is wrap you in light , but then the clouds had come . They just sort of showed up , uninvited , and then they spilled all over us . Mel and I stopped strolling when we felt the first few drops , and our steps quickened . Then , right away , the rain sped up too and it began beating down on us . We ducked under our jackets and sprinted . Thinking back on it , I 'm not sure why we were running . We were a bit far from anything , and we would 've gotten wet by the time we reached a subway or a bus anyway . We just ran , hands clinging and feet slapping sprays of water onto each other . We ducked into a building with a half - cracked door and took a breath of relief before we realized that we hadn 't stopped getting wet . Mel tipped her face right up to the ceiling and watched the drops fall toward her . I just watched her for a moment , too dumbfounded to talk . When I found my voice , I said , " Just our luck . The ceiling must be leaky . I bet this place is abandoned . Don 't do that , sweetie , the water 's probably all dirty . " In response , of course , she stuck out her tongue . She tasted the water that down the corners of her mouth . " Not out , " Mel smiled . She always was faster to catch on to things than I was . " It 's raining in here . Don 't you see ? " The ceiling was dropping water on us . Or at least I think it was the ceiling . I couldn 't really see any plaster or paint through the fog . Well , clouds , I suppose it was . The clouds covered the ceiling of the building and huddled in the corners in sulky gray masses . Mel smiled into the corners , the rain running down her face and twisting her hair into tendrils that streamed down her back . I started to laugh . She laughed too , until the both of us sank down and sat in the puddle that was the floor . We leaned against each other and laughed ourselves helpless at the escape we 'd found from the rain outside . At the sheer absurdity of the building that rained on the inside . We 'd had a fight earlier that day , another one about her work that was taking all her time from me . She always answered that by saying , rather cattily , that if I only found something to do then it wouldn 't be a problem . I 'd been sullen ever since , but now I laughed and when we paused to catch our breath I pulled her toward me . We kissed , sloppy and soaking , in the room that rained on us . I 'm not sure there was a moment before or since that I felt us breathe and beat together like that as the rain trembled to the floor around us . When we finally went home , we were so drenched with rain that a pool of water spread on our seats on the bus and poured itself down into the grooves on the floor . We were both shivering , still wracked with giggles , drawing stares from the three old ladies who were the only other people on the bus . We got home and took a long hot shower . We broke into laughter again the moment the water began to spray . Everything 's a little different now . With me , with Mel , everything . I think it can be better , though . I haven 't seen her in a week , but we 're going to meet up on 145th Street . I won 't bring an umbrella , just in case . The red man sank to the ground . His body trailed into mist after the waist , but he could have been sitting . He spoke , and his voice was dark and shaking . " Listen , child , " he said , " Three , and that is all . Use them well , for you are a little lamb of a thing . " The boy thought that perhaps this meant that the demon would take pity on him , and he drew in his breath to speak . " Please , sir , " he said , his voice a thread , " I didn 't mean to . I don 't know what I did . I am small , and , and , like you said , I 'm not going to hurt anyone , I don 't know what I did . " The red man bent closer and with his sharp red teeth showing , he smiled . " Ah , " he said to the boy . " A lost lamb , yes . So lost . I will explain to you , dear one , and then you will understand . You 've heard stories , you know what I am . I emerge from that metal prison , I grant you three , and then I am suffering inside while you go on with your life , while you humans take what I have given and toss aside this ornament that is of no use to any , not even for light . " " I want a wife , please , Wait , though , I know how this works . I need to explain . I want a wife who the same age that I am , and alive , and well . She must be very beautiful , and she must be here . Please . " The man nodded , and the woman appeared . She was very beautiful , so lovely that the boy was stricken . He gazed at the bright eyes and full lips and long limbs of his new wife , and he fell to his knees . " I love you , " he said . She spat in his face and walked out of the attic room without looking back . The boy scrambled to his feet , knees jerking in his eagerness and despair , and followed her . For a week the red demon watched them as he tried to reason with her , tried to tell her how much he loved her , tried to make her understand that his heart beat for her . One morning , the boy came to the demon and said , " I need to use the second . I want my wife to love me . I want her to love me more than anything . " The red man nodded . Barely had a moment passed when the boy heard footsteps pounding down the hall . The boy 's wife rushed in . She knelt in front of him and turned her lovely face to his . She said , " Oh , my husband , I love you , " and the sound of her voice was sweet and soft to his ears . He pulled her to her feet and kissed her . She drew him out of the room . The red man watched for a day as the boy lived in perfect happiness with his bride . The boy thought of nothing else until they woke the next morning . The boy walked into the kitchen and his wife followed him . He prepared breakfast , brought it to the table , and began to eat . His wife watched . When he offered her a morsel of food , she shook her head . He pushed a glass of water toward her , and gently she slid it back to him . The boy stopped eating and said , " My love , why will you not eat or drink ? You must be hungry . " She looked at him with something like surprise written on her face , and said , " My husband , I love you more than anything . I cannot love anything else more than I love you . I love you more than the wants of my body . I love you more than life itself . " She shook her head . Finally , he shrugged and finished his own food . They repeated this scene at midday and in the evening . They sat on a terrace before the lightless sky and he begged her to eat , but she only shook her head . " I cannot , " she told him , " for that would change things . I cannot . " On the third day , the boy 's wife could not get out of bed . He lay next to her and put his arms around her , and her answering smile was week . On the fourth day , he tried to pour water into her mouth , but she choked and spat . On the fifth day , when he awoke , she wasn 't breathing . The red demon smiled at the boy , whose eyes were swollen and sore with tears . His voice was ragged and he said , " I need to use my third . I know better than to wake the dead , so you won 't have me that way . I want to go back to before any of this . I want to go back to before I touched your lamp , before you appeared , before any of this happened . Please . " The man nodded , and the world shifted . The boy was alone , with no horrors clouding his mind . He was trying to clean out the attic room at the top of the stairs , but it was so cluttered with the shiny forgotten pieces of somebody else 's life that he was struggling to find anything . He reached into the box in front of him , and his fingers brushed the smooth brass of an old lamp . The man at the counter at Starbucks did not have the kind of face you would recognize . He was all straight lines , droopy eyes , neatly combed brown hair . Most people could have turned away from him and been unable to describe him . They would have mistaken three other people for him without walking half a block . Robin had never seen him before , but she recognized him . At least , she thought she did . She thought she had seen his forgettable face before , but she didn 't know where . After she bought her coffee she settled in the corner with her laptop . She had a weekly tradition of coming to Starbucks to write . It got her out of the narrow office that held her most of the time . Her husband knew she was in there by the clacking of the keyboard and her mumbles . She didn 't emerge often . He had occasionally sidled in , afraid to bother her but worried , only to find her sagging in sleep with her head tucked into the crook of her arm . On Tuesdays she stayed at Starbucks for hours , letting herself be distracted by the hipsters and businessmen around her , half - listening to the conversations about lovers and deadlines . It was buzzing and busy in all the ways that her office was not , papered in drafts and stained with the rings of many a mug . The woman waiting in line for the restroom wore an expression of perpetual boredom and impatience , her thin lips pressed together . Robin 's gaze rested on her . The woman looked like somebody , but she was not sure who . Bored , thin lips , blond bob , chewed fingernails - " oh my God , " Robin said aloud to her laptop screen , " It 's Cara Selman . " Cara Selman 's name was hidden in the lines of text on Robin 's screen . She had just walked into the scene where Doug was leaning closer to his secretary , and Robin hadn 't decided yet what she was going to do . Cara was sort of loosely based off of Robin 's sister - in - law , but she was trying to make the difference imperceptible enough that she wouldn 't get in trouble with her brother for it when the book came out . The woman waiting for the bathroom to open was still there , studying her nails , and Robin turned her eyes away . That was where she knew the dull man in line . He was Doug . Of course he was Doug . He was probably off now with his mocha nonfat latte to flirt with his secretary all day , because Robin was toying with the idea of making him a bit of a slacker at the office . He wasn 't her favorite character in this book , but she thought she might be able to do something with him if Cara got really angry . Judging from her expression as she stood glaring at the " Occupied " sign on the restroom door , the woman needed something to get worked up about . Robin thought that possibly Cara liked plunging herself and her husband into high - flown dramatics more than she actually liked her husband . An old man sitting at the counter by the window turned and bent down , creaking , to pick up his newspaper . As he straightened his eyes met Robin 's and sent a spasm of electricity down her spine . Mr . Hilgood was at Starbucks too . He didn 't look happy . His jaw was tight and his hands shook . The wrinkles trailing from the corners of his eyes deepened when he clenched his teeth just the way she had imagined them to do . Robin 's stomach dropped . Last week she had written him into the doctor 's office and she knew that he had gotten some bad news . She didn 't think he was going to tell his wife , who was going to find it all out too late . Poor thing , Robin thought . She ached for the old man stooping to pick his paper up from the floor where it had fallen . He was a lovely man , and he was never going to get the chance to make amends with his children . The Starbucks was too full of people who had , before , only populated her mind . Susan might show up , and Robin didn 't think she could bear that . She packed away her computer , her hands clumsy , and nearly dropped her bag as she stood . The smell of coffee was starting to make her feel light - headed . As she blundered toward the door , she knocked into Mr . Hilgood 's chair . Robin ordered her eyes downcast , away from his face . " I 'm sorry , " she said to his shoulder , and then she left . In the old future , Sandra waited until the very last moment and then she called Will . She sat at home , festering , the rotten anger building up inside her and heating her through until she burned with it . Everything in the house was infuriating . The art on the walls , the stack of unopened mail on the end table , the mug from his coffee that morning when he 'd drunk it , scarfed down breakfast , and left . All without talking to her . Mornings had been hard lately . In the old future , things changed . In the old future , he answered the phone . He said her name and his voice was soaked with relief . She let it bleed into her , holding the phone to her ear and sagging in the comfort where everything was okay . They both said they were sorry in a rush and laughed , words tumbling into each other , their voices woven on the phone connection , both their forgivenesses tightly spun in the air between the house and his work . He came home at once , didn 't even stop for the usual drink with Mike before he got on the train . She picked him up at the station instead of letting him take the bus . In the car he put his hand on her knee and even when they got out and walked into the house she could feel the heat pressed to her skin , the print of his hand still warming her . In the old future they got into another argument in the kitchen , trying to decide what to do about dinner . Their voices , so recently entwined , knocked and hammered at one another again . Finally Sandra cried . She was so tired of hearing her own shrillness and seeing his face crumpled in frustration . She never cried , but now she did . He melted when she did . She backed into the corner and sank to the floor , shoulders shaking , and he knelt in front of her . His fingers lit on her arms , tentative , pulling her to him . When she looked up there were tears on his face too . " It 'll be okay , " he said to her . " We 'll be okay . We don 't need to fight . " She cried harder from the torrent of wonder , just imagining that things would change . They would be okay . In the old future , they skipped dinner . They clung to each other and undressed each other and dissolved into each other in the kitchen . They fell asleep on the floor and Will was almost late for work the next day . He kissed her before he left , leaning over while he pulled on yesterday 's pants , his lips holding hers . After he left she could still feel him on her . She spent the day in a daze . Long minutes passed while she stared at her cereal , or at the papers in front of her , or at the blank black screen of the television . Her whole body was lighter now . She nearly floated . In the old future , Will came home and nearly crushed her in an embrace . They ate dinner in bed that night , flicking crumbs at each other . Laughing . In the old future , everything was okay . They lived together and they loved each other . Maybe they had some children . Only sometimes did they have moments of passion , but they always forgave each other . In the old future , Sandra called Will and he picked up the phone . Everything was okay . The old future might have been true until he didn 't answer . In the new future , the one that is true now , Will did not pick up the phone . Maybe he saw her name appear on the screen and he clicked " Ignore " because he wanted more time to mull the fight over before they talked . Maybe he was in the bathroom . Maybe he was already with Mike at the bar . In the new future , he went for a drink with his friend and then went home with Mike to sleep on his couch . He woke up in the morning and left for work . He was probably short of sleep from sleeping on the lumpy couch with snores drilling at his ears , and that 's why he didn 't look when he crossed the street toward the office . The driver of the car that hit him didn 't stop . They called Sandra from the hospital . She 'd been angry that Will had never come home . In the old future , everything could have been okay . The old future will always be okay , because it isn 't true . Sandra lives in the new future now . Go go go don 't stop don 't look back . If you look back they can get you , the demons , the shadows , the ones who never slow down . Keep running they 're catching up . They 're always catching up . You said to me once that the truly terrifying thing , what makes you prickle cold with sweat at night and shakes your bones all day , what scares you is that you can go a long way pretty fast but they go slower they do they plod on but they never ever ever need to sleep . You slowed down and they got you . If I keep going fast enough they won 't get me . If I keep running I 'll be okay . That 's what you told me . Your words go in my head keep going keep going keep going run run run and one syllable with every time a foot hits the ground so I 'm saying the words as I go even when I 'm walking because my legs might fall out from under me . Those words keep my feet forward , keep my bones working and my blood churning and my face turned up and ahead of me so I don 't look at the ground so long that I just sink right onto it . Sometimes the dirt looks so inviting . There 's no way I give up , you have to know that , you might be gone to me but I can still talk to you in my head . It 's not like there 's anyone else to talk to either and I 'd always rather talk to you than anyone . You know . You always know . Now when I have to do all the knowing when my brain has to work all the time and my body has to go go go all the time and I 'm without you and all I have is your words that keep me going because I have to keep going . Now that it 's like this , I still talk to you in my head . I always did and always will . There isn 't anyone better to talk to . Even if there was someone they wouldn 't be better couldn 't not possibly because you 're always you even though you 're not here you 're not with me you 're still you . When I ask myself questions because I 'm so so so tired sometimes I can hear your answers because I know what you would say . Sometimes I ask just to hear the answer you would say come back to me and I can pretend for a little minute there that you 're telling me how to survive how to be how to live and it 'll work and because of you , your words in my head , you 're gone but I have your words and so I 'll be okay . I 'm a teacher , student , writer , reader , and a couple other things . I live in New York . I think of writing like stories that get caught in my head . They sort of tickle until I can spin them out and pin them down . When I do , I put them here . I hope you like them - let me know . Voix de WilderI have a voice and it 's high time it 's heard . Talkalittledo - For Life Is FunnyReal Life . Real StoriesRANTS AND RAMBLESBecause sometimes , things just need to be said . Stroppy EditorMinding other people 's language . A lot . PostSecretTipsy Litthe publishing imprint of author ericka claysnobberyWill Write For Tuition MoneyThe ravings of a self - proclaimed starving - artistYinzercationYinzer Nation + Education = YinzercationA Confederacy of SpinstersSex , Dating , and Surviving Your TwentiesBorn To PootleBeing the adventures of Jonathan Laury , writer , weird - hunter , beard - wearer and one half of The Conversation Tree Podcast . @ BornToPootle @ TheConvoTreeThe AbandonedJust because you failed doesn 't make it the end , just the beginning . Daniel HaylesBook Hub , Inc . The Total Book ExperienceGrace and CandorSprinkles of Sunshine and Substancehear me outan outletMightier Than The PenMaking The World A Bitter PlacePechorin 's JournalA literary blogBroken CondomsA Mommy Blog for Those Who Never Wanted to Author / Read a Mommy BlogIntrovert Fairy TalesA quiet kind of Happily Ever After

I met with Georgette for lunch today . It was a lot of fun . I expected the physical therapist to arrive between 12 : 30 and 12 : 45 like she usually does , but she didn 't . She called at 1 : 30 while we were about to eat lunch so she came later today around 4 : 30 . What a near miss that one was . I am glad she was able to fit Mom in today . Mom did really well with her exercises today . She even joked with Lori . It was amazing . She didn 't do all of her step exercise on the right foot , she seemed to get confused with that today , but she did everything else just fine . It has been a good day , not a whole lot going on in my head today , it seems kind of stuffy . I think I may be getting a cold . My throat is a bit sore and my head and nose are a bit stuffy . Rather annoying . I hope I don 't get one because I don 't want Mom to get it too . I don 't think she would fight off a cold very well . She isn 't really stronger enough . It is really nice out again . It is supposed to stay nice until it gets hot this weekend . Supposedly , though when it is 90 degrees this weekend , there will be no humidity . I hope not . That gives me a headache . Speaking of headaches , I have a doozy right now . It was so bad this afternoon , but I am out of my pain pills . They should be at the pharmacy refilled right now as I called in the prescription last week . It needed a doctor 's approval though so that always take some time . I could really use my pills right about now . I think we will head to bed early tonight . Mom sees a new doctor tomorrow for her sore . I hope they can do something about it . I hope you are having a good day . It is really pretty outside today with the blue sky and white puffy clouds . It is a bit cooler than it has been , but I don 't mind . I like the temperature better than the 80 degrees and the 90 degrees . My head doesn 't ache as much with this weather . Mom is in the living room taking a bit of a nap . I had one too , but only for about an hour where as she is still sleeping two hours later . That is fine . She needs the rest . We had to get up earlier today and I think she woke up from pain in her back early . She doesn 't sleep in the middle of the bed enough so sometimes her legs fall over the side of the bed and that hurts her back . I am going to get a body pillow to put behind her so she isn 't really laying on her back which she shouldn 't do with a pressure sore anyways . I can alternate sides every night for her . I only have Charlie today , Zach rescheduled because he has a really bad headache . He is coming tomorrow . Works for me . We are also meeting Georgette for a late lunch tomorrow . It will be fun . Kathy is supposed to be checking her schedule for the rest of the summer to see when a good time for us to come and visit will be . Mom and I are planning ( okay , I am planning ) to stay at a hotel with a pool so the kids can come and swim while we all visit together . It should be fun . Mom loves watching the kids play . I don 't know when my older brother Richard is coming for a visit yet . Sometime in July . Mom has to see a general surgeon now for her pressure sore . I don 't know if there is anything that can be done about it , but Dr . Gradolph wants us to see one so we will . I will be making the appointment today . She has gained 5 pounds now since she has been home . I am so excited about that . I don 't know how she did it , and I don 't really care because she did . That is all that counts . She gained 5 pounds . She now weighs 86 pounds . I also will be getting her a donut type cushion to sit on where ever we go because that will help with the pressure on her bottom . Poor thing , she is so tiny , she is just a little bitty thing . She is onlPosted by It 's Monday ! Ugh , and I am tired . We had such a full weekend it was wonderful . Exhausting , but wonderful . The nurse was here early for Mom . She called to say she was on her way while we were at Tim Horton 's . Oops ! So I bagged our stuff and we headed back home . We got here just before she pulled in . Talk about great timing ! She said Mom 's pressure sore is doing better but we need to follow up with the Doctor . So I will call this afternoon for an appointment this week . Poor thing , as if she needed something else to deal with , right ? She is not eating well this afternoon like she did yesterday . She ate her donut but isn 't eating her muffin . She takes a bite , puts it down , forgets about it , then I remind her and we start again . She is just distracted for some reason today . I am excited about her eating dinner though because Michelle sent us home with left overs ! ! ! Yup ! ! ! ! Isn 't that great ? ? ? I think so . I also need to go to the store to get her Ensure with protein today because we are out . We will do that after Frank 's lesson or Callie 's , depending on who is last for a lesson . I know Patty had said something about making Frank 's lesson earlier , but I haven 't heard from her yet . Whatever works best for her , works best for us . That is what I told her . Other than 3 lessons and a trip to the store , not much going on today . I was going to clean off the table , but I think other than looking for bills that need to be paid , that will be the extent of my cleaning off the table . Emptying the bills will help , just won 't totally clear it all . I emailed Kathy today to ask her when a good time for us to visit would be . I figured it would be easier if she just told us when to come rather than the other way around because she is the one with the kids who have camps and such , and we don 't . Our schedule is so much more flexible than hers . Other than teaching , physical therapy , and the nurse visit , we are pretty open for visiting . Mom is being very careful of where she puts her water on the table now . She nearly tipped it over awhile ago aPosted by I am so tired . We spent the day at my Uncle John 's house with his family . My younger brother , Andrew , was there with his new girl friend , Angela . She is very nice and her father has Alzheimer 's too , so she totally understands Mom . A very important detail to me . She was very kind to Mom . Andrew served Mom her dinner and I was thinking , oh my , that is way too much food , she is never going to eat it . Well , she did , every last bit . I couldn 't believe it . She even had fruit and ice cream after . I mean , man , how awesome is that ? She ate her whole dinner , something she has not done for 4 months . I have to give her 1 / 2 of cup here , 1 / 2 of cup there , and beg her to eat that and then finish it off with an ensure drink . Not today , she ate the whole thing . Michelle , my Uncle 's girl friend , gave us enough left overs for 2 days . The last time we were there in May , Mom ate pretty well too , but not as good as she did today . We were all very impressed about it . I think this week I am going to get a roast and cook it in the slow cooker so it will be very tender and then cut it up into meals and try serving that to her to see if that helps her eating at all . All I know , is I thought this wasn 't going to be a good eating day because she at 1 / 2 of her cheeseburger for lunch and it turned out to be fantastic . We had a really good day there , we really did . Michelle and Jayson ( my small 3 year old cousin - who is so adorable ) will be coming to visit us soon too . I can 't wait , that will be awesome too . I am so tired right now though . I can 't think of anything else to say except it was a great weekend . Started off with a great wedding , then a nice and relaxing Saturday , and then another great day at my Uncle 's . I like these kind of weekends . I hope we have more soon . Maybe when Richard is in town we will take him to my Uncle 's too . That would be great . I just don 't know when Richard is coming . My niece turns 11 this week . Oh my , it is hard to believe , I remember when she was born . Such a tiny thing she was . I fell in love with her at firstPosted by Yesterday was a very full day for us . An absolutely wonderful day filled with family and friends , and some new friends . It started like every other day for us . We got up , went to Tim Horton 's , ate brunch and then came home . Mom 's physical therapist , Lori , arrived about 12 : 45 pm for a 1 / 2 hour of exercise for mom . She is doing pretty well although she doesn 't have the attention span to always finish the exercise . She does some leg exercises and then she walks a bit to show Lori how her walking is doing , and lastly , her stepping exercises . I am to work on her stepping exercises with her too , to make her stronger . Lori wants Mom walking as much as she can . She wasn 't really pleased that Mom was going to be pushed in a wheel chair for the wedding . Her opinion is that Mom can walk and should walk as much as she can . There will come a time when she can 't , and then you use a wheel chair , but not until that time . A bit after Lori left , Tillie and Maia arrived . Tillie was coming to the wedding with us to help with Mom . We sat around and talked a bit before it was time to get dressed for the wedding . Maia 's boyfriend , Mark , came to pick her up . He called a few hours earlier because he was worried about her . Maia was coming over with her Mom and they always shop first . Hey , why not , it is fun ! They stopped at their regular places . I don 't particularly care for shopping so I am always glad they go before they get here . Sometimes , I like to go , but not very often . I can 't walk very well or very far and shopping is difficult for me . I do like to go and shop at Walmart 's because they have scooters I can ride . We don 't go very much because we don 't need anymore stuff . We are in the process of downsizing our stuff , so shopping for more would defeat the purpose . At about 4 : 30 it was time to dress for the wedding . Mom had a pretty blouse with a nice pair of pants and a jacket to wear . The wedding ceremony would be in es garden , but the reception would be indoors , so I had to make sure she would be warm in the reception . I wore nice dPosted by It was a good day today with only 1 small blemish . When one is going to knit with a friend , remember to bring the knitting ! Yeah , what can I say , I was so excited about visiting today , I left the project at home . We woke up a bit late today , noon again . I have been so exhausted this week , I don 't know if it is the heat or what , but boy , have I been tired . Mom was awake already , just lying in her bed quietly as usual . She is not a loud person in general and with the Alzheimer 's , even quieter . She just sits or lies quietly waiting for me to get up . When we went to leave for Tim Horton 's , we ran into our neighbors , Richie and Amy , who were working outside in their yard . It was a brief visit as Mom was having a weepy morning . She cried through a bit of the brief visit . Then we were off . She did much better when we sat with our friend , Rosemary . Mom ate really well this morning . I was pleased . However , at dinner , she didn 't eat much . She drank pretty well at Heather 's house this afternoon . After several tries of a water bottle for Mom , we found one . Heather had an extra one with a straw that Mom seemed to do well with , so she gave it to us . How sweet was that ? So now Mom has a nice new water bottle that we can take everywhere with us . We picked up Heather from the car repair store . She has to get the van fixed after the incident on Monday with the tire on the freeway . What an awful thing to have happen . Boy , who knew a tire could cause so much damage . Hope she gets it fixed rather soon as she does need the van to transport the small children to their activities . Mom did pretty well at the visit today . She started by sitting on the love seat but moved to the piano bench as she was getting uncomfortable . She seemed to enjoy sitting next to Callie on the piano bench . Mom likes Heather 's two children a lot . I can tell because they make her smile when they play and Mom likes to watch them . She has improved a lot since she came home last week . I picked up Elyse 's wedding present today . I looked at picture frames but they didnPosted by It was a rather lazy day in the house today . The physical therapist came to work with Mom this afternoon . She did a few exercises with her and then had her walk a bit . All in all she was here for about 1 / 2 hour . The nurse came after that . She checked Mom out . She put a pad on Mom to help with the sore she now has . With the newest weight loss of Mom , she got a sore . I was not happy about that . As if she needs something else to go wrong . She took it all in stride and tries to eat and drink as much as she can . I have to make sure she eats protein because that is what heals the sore . We both took naps after the nurse left . I am so tired today it is unbelievable . At least I can sleep in tomorrow . I am looking forward to that . Friday is the wedding . I can 't wait for that . I have to clean off the table tomorrow . I have bills that have to be paid . In the worry about Mom I forgot to pay the house payment . I will be taking care of that tomorrow that is for sure . Can 't get behind on our house payment . We are meeting my friend , Georgette for lunch next week . I think that will be so fun . She is a lot of fun and always filled with great stories about what is going on in her life . She has been and is a great friend and supporter . She supports me so much in keeping Mom home as long as possible . She agrees with me that Mom can be home for a very long time and that the house can be fit to meet Mom 's needs . She likes Mom a lot too , which is good . Mom does really well when we meet friends for lunch or tea . It is rather hot and humid today so we are hiding in the house today . We did go out for our brunch as usual . It was crazy because we got there right before a big downpour of rain and left just after it ended . Talk about good timing . We didn 't get wet at all . One thing weird happened while we were there . This young man , teenager , got a bagel to eat and then proceeded to ask an older gentleman and a woman to loan him $ 12 for his cell phone bill . Both , naturally , declined . He didn 't ask us but I would have said no too . It was just too Posted by It is absolutely beautiful out today . The sun is shining and there is a cool breeze . I had the windows down in the car for our short drive . Mom seemed to enjoy it too . I woke up rather late this morning , noon . I was so tired last night and we didn 't go to bed until 11 pm so by the time I got Mom into bed and me ready for bed , it was 11 : 30 before I got in . I am a 12 hour sleeper . I tend to wake up several times a night from the pain so sometimes I have to get up and walk to the bathroom and back or sometimes just getting out of bed reduces the pain . It makes for a terrible night sleep , but hey , when you have FMS , what can you do ? I am tired still so I think I will make it an early night for the two of us , maybe around 9 pm like we used to do all the time . Mom , of course , was awake way before me . I didn 't move her legs more into the center of the bed last night so she woke up with them over the side of the bed . I don 't like that because it causes her pain . She didn 't want me to move her legs over last night , she was really afraid of me doing that so I didn 't . Well , I will have to , whether or not she is afraid because the results cause her way too much pain and we can 't have that . That is just unacceptable . She is sitting in the dining room with me right now instead of the living room . She has the beginning of a pressure sore on her tailbone so I don 't want her sitting in there much today . The nurse is coming tomorrow and she will look at Mom for me . I called her today and asked her to do that tomorrow . I didn 't want to forget , and you know how fibro fog is . My luck , I would totally forget until she was gone . Not acceptable , best to call ahead and ask , so I did . Mom , surprisingly , is still awake and not sleeping . She often is asleep at this time of day . Maybe she got enough sleep last night , it is possible . It would be nice if one of us could get a good night 's sleep . She has been eating and drinking very good for the last couple of days . She ate all her dinner last night and the night before . She also has finished Posted by I had 2 lessons today . Callie tried to get here in time for her lesson from camp , but her mom drove over a tire on the way home and it knocked out the power steering pump in the car so she had to go straight to the car repair place . From the post on Face Book , it seems Callie had a great day at goal ball camp . She loves that sport . I hope to see her play someday . She is very good . Frank is doing pretty good with his competition pieces . His pop piece is almost ready , but his test list piece isn 't quite ready yet . I hope by the beginning of the month it will be ready . He has about 4 weeks before competition . Knowing him as I do , he will be practicing a lot between now and then . He has most of his pop song memorized and some of the test list song . He is almost done with the Mozart piece too . He is not playing that for competition . Bob is almost done with All I Ask of You and coming along very well with A Whole New World . He will be on vacation next week so he won 't be having a lesson . I hope he and Maggie have a great time on their cruise . They are going to Venice and a few other places . I can 't wait to see the pictures . Mom is doing better today . She drank all her milk and some water . She ate okay , not great , but okay . The nurse came today . The one that came on Friday was a fill in , Sherri is going to be the regular nurse . She said that Mom 's dehydration could have been the result of the urinary tract infection she had . That would make good sense because Mom was not feeling very well a couple of days before I took her into ER . I had no warning that she was that sick though . I hope to at least have a better idea if it happens again . She is doing well now . She is drinking her water without being reminded this evening , so I am very happy about that . She also keeps trying to pull papers out of the pile of papers in the middle of the table . I will sort the pile tomorrow . I have a few bills that have to be paid this week . I also have to go to the Secretary of State this week and show them the pay off letter from the car . I Posted by Happy Father 's Day ! ! ! ! We had a relaxing type day . I had Katie 's lesson this morning and then we went to Tim Horton 's and then grocery shopping . I think next time I will get Carolyn to watch Mom while I go shopping , although she did really well . The store is big and I ride in a scooter so that leaves Mom to walk around the store . She did good and didn 't complain about being tired until we were almost done . We were in the cashier 's line to pay when she mentioned she was tired . Once the groceries were put away we both put our feet up in the living room and fell asleep . I think we both slept about 3 hours . I think we were both pretty tired . I am still tired . Grocery shopping is an exhausting adventure to me so I am not surprised that I slept so long . We will both be heading for bed early . At least we both get to sleep in tomorrow ! yeah ! My first lesson tomorrow is at 3 pm . I was going to get Olive Garden to go but since we grocery shopped I just cooked up something quick . Mom doesn 't eat very much so cooking for her is a piece of cake because she doesn 't eat a full serving of anything . I got some simple foods that she likes so cooking for the next few weeks will be easy . We have an exciting week ahead of us . I will finish cleaning off the dining room table . Yes , I know , I was supposed to finish that before Mom came home last week . It didn 't really happen . I did take off most of the books that were all over the table , but the bills are still in piles . I will be paying them this week . There are a few that are due . I don 't want to pay late notices . I have possibly 3 lessons tomorrow , depending on if Callie is back from camp in time for her lesson . She has a fun filled week of camp this week so I am not anticipating seeing her . I hope to so I can hear all about it and give her her lesson , but it is one of those , if she arrives , she 's there , otherwise she is in traffic coming home . I really hope she has a fun time . She is such a neat young person . Frank should be finishing up some music this week and we are working hard Posted by What a fun afternoon ! ! ! ! First up was Lily 's lesson . She is singing " Look to the Rainbow " and " Loch Lamond " and doing a good job at both . She is also auditioning for her summer music theatre play " Aida " so we worked on her audition material . I love that musical . Mom and I saw several years ago and it was simply amazing ! Just amazing ! The music was fantastic ! Mom loved it . I bought the CD to it and practically wore it out in my car . I forgot to find it for Lily so she could hear some of the music before Tuesday 's audition . I will find it this week so she can hear it . After Lily 's lesson was Zachary 's graduation party . Mom did real well there . She only teared up a few times which is better than she has done and it was mostly while she was eating which is when she normally does it . We ended up staying almost 3 hours , I was surprised at the time when we got back into the car . We met some of Zach 's parents friends and they were really nice . I also got to have a long chat with Zach 's older brother , Alex . I haven 't spoken to him in a long long time . It was great to catch up with him . He is an actor and a singer . We had to get Zach 's present on the way because I fell asleep yesterday afternoon so I didn 't get to it on my list of things to do yesterday . We took care of it though . I got him 2 movies that he wanted . I asked him on Tuesday at his lesson what he wanted so he called me with a list . I like to give gifts instead of money because they are more fun to me and it is something different too . He told me which movies he wanted and we got him 2 of them . I like that he gave me a choice . One thing I have noticed since Mom has been home is that she says random things that don 't make a lot of sense at times . This is new , well , fairly new . She would do this occasionally before , but now it is more frequent . She is also afraid of doing something wrong , very afraid . She cries because she thinks she is doing something wrong , I tell she is doing good and isn 't doing anything wrong , then she is okay . But this happens all day long . IPosted by I finished the bridesmaid and the maid of honor dresses . The wedding is only next week . The visiting nurse and the visiting physical therapist were here this afternoon to evaluate Mom . Outside of perhaps getting a bit stronger there isn 't much else that the physical therapist can do for Mom . I mean , she can 't learn any new behaviors , so what is the point ? She needs help to get dressed , and pretty much everything . She isn 't eating very much and she is drinking a bit . She does usually drink a sip or two when I ask . The therapist was please with how Mom goes up and down the stairs . We showed her around the house so we had to go upstairs . I have to get Mom a toilet frame for each of the bathrooms so she has bars to hold on to when she needs it . I will pick them up when we go shopping on Sunday . We don 't have any plans except Katie 's lesson for Sunday . Mom still gets upset a bit easy , but not as much as she did yesterday . Everyday is getting better , I think . We shall see . I am rather tired today . I took a wee nap after the physical therapist left . Both Mom and I slept . I slept for about 2 1 / 2 hours , so did she . Not much else happening in our house today . Tomorrow is Lily 's lesson and Zachary 's graduation party . I have to stop and get his gift on the way . He gave me some ideas so I know what to get him . I hope your day was good too . It is knitting today . First time in about 3 or so weeks between my schedule , Mom , and my friend , Heather 's schedule , we just haven 't connected . Today we will . Tomorrow a nurse from the home care will be coming to see Mom . We won 't be going to sewing because I have some sewing I have got to do before Saturday , so I am doing some today and finishing up tomorrow . It is a good day so far . Mom got up pretty well , although she said she was tired and wanted to sleep more but since I had a doctor 's appointment for a blood test , we had to get up . She is in the living room sleeping right now . After the appointment we went to our usual , Tim Horton 's , and our friend , Rosemary was there . She watched Mom while I went and got our food . Mom did pretty well , she ate some soup and then ate her donut . She cried a bit every so often while we were there . She cries really easy right now , I think because she is so afraid of being left alone . It will take time for her to relax , I think . She is back on her anxiety medicine now that she is home . Rosemary lent me a book about Historical mysteries . I can 't wait to dive into it . I love reading . I may read some out loud to Mom . She likes that . So far today is a good day for the both of us . She looks like she had a good sleep , although she is tired . Tomorrow she can have a good sleep in , we both can . I do want to do some grocery shopping soon , we are out of a lot of food . Right now , she is too tired to go with me , but I figure maybe this weekend she will be okay for shopping a bit . We have a bit of frozen dinners left and enough ensure for a few days . I will be bringing an ensure with us so she has a lot to drink . So far , she has drank about 1 / 4 of an ensure and about 3 / 4 of the 1 / 2 pint of milk . That is a lot for her . As it gets hotter this weekend , I will be upping how much she drinks . She doesn 't need another episode of dehydration . That would definitely be bad . Pain is regular today , not too bad . My head is just it 's normal headache , not extra like a few days ago . My arm is alright . I can movPosted by Mom is home ! I am soooooo happy about that . I picked her up at 10 am . I quickly packed her suitcase and went down to laundry to pick up her other clothes . I have some laundry to do for her , but that is okay . I will do it , tomorrow ! She hasn 't had her anxiety medicine for the entire time she was in the nursing home . I found that out today . No wonder she was so miserable and crying all the time . She was scared and nervous the entire time she was there . I don 't know how long it will take until she feels comfortable again . She has really gone down in the last month with everything that has happened to her . I have put the new plan in place . We both fell asleep this afternoon though for about 3 1 / 2 hours . We both are rather exhausted . I don 't know how she is going to do when it is time to go to bed , but we will go up together and I will put her to bed . I plan to sit with her as long as it is necessary . She still cries easy right now . She did pretty well at Tim Horton 's this morning and the little restaurant for dinner . Mom hasn 't eaten very well , but I figure it will take a few days before she is comfortable enough to eat a bit more again . Her appetite isn 't very good to begin with . She did eat 1 / 2 her donut this morning and she ate a bit of mashed potatoes and soup . I brought the left overs home for tomorrow 's dinner . I am so glad she is home although she is nervous . Pain is a bit higher , not sure why today . I am feeling better now that Mom is home . I should sleep better tonight ! I can 't wait until tomorrow ! ! ! Mom comes home . How exciting . She looked a bit happy about coming home but then she got nervous and cried . Poor thing doesn 't know if she is coming or going these days . I hope after a few days at home she will even herself out . She ate pretty good for lunch . yeah , they think I am going to puree all her food . That isn 't going to happen right now . I cut up her food into small pieces and she does just fine with them . I will be clearing off the dining room table this evening since she will be arriving tomorrow . I want it cleared so she won 't pull any piles down . She tries to be so helpful , unfortunately , she pulls from the bottom of the piles not the top so everything crashes down . I am pretty tired today although I am not so sure why . I went to bed okay last night so I really shouldn 't be extra tired . I am excited about tomorrow and a bit nervous too since she hasn 't been home in 3 1 / 2 weeks and won 't really know where everything is . I hope everything goes okay once Mom is home . She should hopefully cry less since she will be with me , that is the hope . She is very dependent on me and this has been hard for the both of us . She saw the doctor and they don 't think anything is wrong with her ear or her throat , not that they can find . I will keep an eye on it and see what happens . She had an ear ache during lunch again but she was very nervous and crying a lot too . I actually wasn 't the one feeding her since she wouldn 't eat for me , a nurse assistant came over and she got Mom to eat some . Mom wouldn 't drink anything though which is normal for her there . I will be putting my plan in action so we shall see how successful I will be . I have 2 students later today , in about an hour so I am happy about that . After that I will be clearing the table before I eat dinner . I am going to grocery shop tomorrow with Mom so she can tell me what she wants . Pain level is alright for a change . It isn 't too hot or muggy out right now so that is probably why . It is supposed to rain tonight though , so my head maPosted by 1 1 / 2 days until Mom is home ! ! ! ! ! I can 't wait ! ! ! ! ! Today has been a pretty good day so far . I won 't be able to see Mom until tomorrow because of both our schedules . When I am not teaching she is in therapy or bed so that ends the plans on visiting today . However , I will make it for lunch tomorrow and then by 9 : 20 on Wednesday ready to take her home . I know she was supposed to see the doctor again this morning . I will find out what he said tomorrow . It would be nice if he gave her something for the pain in her throat and ear that they keep ignoring . If it keeps up , I plan to take her to our doctor to find out what is going on . I am hoping once she is home it stops and she can relax again because she will be with me . Just because the doctors can 't find out what is wrong doesn 't mean she isn 't in pain ! Look how many doctors and years it took to find out what was wrong with me . Mom never gave up on that and I won 't give up on her . On to better news . The Muglia family will be getting a piano ! A real piano ! The girls are so excited about it . It will go in the living room where the big keyboard used to be . The found it at an Estate sale and the person they bought it from knows someone who can transport it to their house . I am so excited for them . The three older girls ( there are 8 children in the family now ) love playing piano and I love teaching them . I also teach them sewing on Friday . They are excited to see Mom as she hasn 't been at sewing for a few weeks . They are such a nice family , really nice and caring . I hope to pick up a few more books this afternoon at the used bookstore . I have pretty much read everything that is left in the house . I have spent the last 3 1 / 2 weeks reading when I am not teaching or sleeping or sewing . I have a bit of sewing to do this week too . I will have Emily 's and Lily 's dresses ready for Saturday . I just love sewing . It is something that Mom and I used to do together . Now she watches me and sometimes gives me advice . She can remember a bit about sewing so that is good . Originally it waPosted by Mom is doing a bit better today than yesterday , although she is still in pain . She will see the doctor tomorrow . I can 't wait until Wednesday ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I just can 't . As long as everything is okay , she is coming home Wednesday . She ate 2 / 3 of her lunch today and had 2 / 3 of the ensure cup they gave her . That was pretty good for her . Mom was pretty tired by the time I left , I had a bad headache again . Partly from the stress , the other part from the weather . This episode has been so hard on the both of us . Donna thinks part of her ear problem could be clenching her teeth , that is a good possibility . She does clench when she is nervous and she has been a nervous wreck for 3 weeks now since she hasn 't been home . She admits to being very nervous . She doesn 't understand why . I do . It 's because she isn 't with me and home , but starting Wednesday , she will be with me and will be home . Her physical therapy is going well and so is the occupational therapy . I only cried a little bit when I was with her today . I think after she comes home it will be easier on the both of us . I have read so many books since she has been gone though , oh my . I read most of the time . I don 't want to watch the TV show DVDs we have until she can watch them with me . I enjoy her company especially when we do things together like go to a show or watch TV . Sometimes I read out loud to her too . All depends on what our moods are . 2 1 / 2 more days ! ! ! ! My head is real bad today , like I said . My arm is a bit sorer than usual too . I think I am extra sore because I am so tense right now . I took a pain pill so I hope that helps with the pain . It is going to rain again here . That 's what it looks like outside . I hope you are having a good day . My days will improve as soon as Wednesday arrives . Just got back from visiting Mom for her dinner . She didn 't eat very much . She is in so much pain she couldn 't eat . I nearly lost it there when I was trying to feed her . It hurt her throat so much that I almost starting wailing myself . I did lose it when I got home . I am having a difficult time handling her in pain . She is in so much pain and has been for over a week now . Why aren 't they doing something about it ? Obviously , Tylenol is not working very well . She doesn 't understand what is going on as it is , let 's just add pain on top of her confusion . Yeah , great , sounds fun doesn 't it ? I keep telling myself , 3 1 / 2 days , just 3 1 / 2 days , that is all we have to survive and then she will be home with me . This is killing me , just as it is her . She calls for me all the time and cries most of the time . Some of it is from pain , like tonight , and some is from fear . She is scared to death and doesn 't understand what is going on . If we didn 't need her medicine , I would have pulled her out 2 weeks ago , but we need her medicine . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel , Wednesday ! I can 't wait until Wednesday . I will see her for lunch tomorrow and then I won 't see her on Monday because of teaching , but I will see her on Tuesday and then I will be picking her up on Wednesday . I think she is getting dehydrated again , because of the head and throat pain . I really hope not . They don 't seem to think her pain is any big deal though because they aren 't calling in the doctor . So we wait until Monday when she sees the doctor again . I hope she isn 't dehydrated and that it is just what is left over from the dehydration , but you never know with Mom . I just don 't want a set back that will keep her there longer . I want her home where I can watch her around the clock . She needs to be with me , then she will improve . My head is very sore today because of the upsets I have had . My whole body aches and I am really tired too . Crying tires me out a lot . Mom asked if I was upset when we got back to her room and I said yes . She tried to pat my sPosted by Mom saw the dentist today at the nursing center . They had to give her something for anxiety because she was so upset . I should have told the lady last night on the phone that they had my permission , but I didn 't think of it . They called today and of course , I said yes . Her teeth are in pretty good condition considering her age and the fact she has them all . She has one new cavity that is pretty bad , and 1 filling has come out . We will get those taken care of as soon as possible . Thanks to my 2 friends who gave suggestions on dentists . I very much appreciate that . Mom ate 1 / 2 of her dinner which is good for her . She even drank 1 / 2 of the 1 / 2 pint of milk , first time in 3 weeks since she has drank that much milk . I was so pleased with her even though it is difficult to get her to eat and drink . It takes about an hour for her to eat , with a pit stop thrown in . After dinner they usually put her to bed because she is so tired after a long day . She doesn 't get time to take much of a nap there because of the therapy in the morning and the therapy in the afternoon . I would much rather her be put to bed early than no therapy or less therapy that is for sure . 5 more days and she comes home , although it really is 4 1 / 2 because she gets out so early on the 16th . I still haven 't touched the dining room table . He he he . I will work on it this weekend . I have just been rather lazy about it but it will get done before she comes home . I plan to get a nice spring / summer bouquet of flowers for her homecoming . It will have been 3 1 / 2 weeks since she has been home and she deserves some flowers . I plan to go out to dinner with her too , but that will wait until the weekend . She needs to rest up a bit before we go out . I had sewing class with my girls today ! Lydia finished her skirt and Natalie is almost done . I have to take the flounce off again ( 2nd time ) because she put it on backwards . I told her I would take it apart and finish it off sometime next week . I also plan on finishing Emily 's and Lily 's dresses this weekend . So all in allPosted by So I took Mom to the ENT this afternoon . A rather waste of time . She doesn 't have a growth in her ear after all ! Thank goodness for that . She may have TMJ , from what I read and where Mom says the pain is at , it is very likely she has that . The nursing home 's dentist will look at her for that . If they don 't look at her before she goes home , I will have to find a dentist and make an appointment . We don 't really have the money for a dentist , but if that is what she needs , then that is what she gets . I think she does need to go to the dentist anyways since it has been years since she has gone . We will wait and see what happens between now and Wednesday . Only 6 more days until the little person comes home ! Yeah ! ! ! ! She is still in a lot of pain , her throat is better , but her ear is bad . She didn 't eat much breakfast because of the pain , but I was able to get some lunch down her before the pain took over . I talked to the nurse and asked her to give Mom the pain pills closer to dinner so maybe that will help her . I won 't be there until dinner tomorrow and Saturday . I am so tired today and my head is sore again . I need a nap . I think I will go and take one shortly . I got up at the regular time today , but I don 't know exactly why I am so tired except I have had a bad headache for 3 days now . I am very sick of this headache , totally sick of it . I hope your day is better than mine . I had lunch with my friend , Wendy , from high school . It was fun . I really enjoy getting together with her and chatting . She has to set her alarm on the phone or we would continue to chat and her little boy won 't get picked up from school . That would be bad . I am sure he would like to come home . She has one more week of this school stuff and then summer vacation ! I know she and the family are looking forward to it . I saw Mom , as usual , this afternoon for lunch . She was checked by the doctor today for her earache and her throat . She has a growth in her ear so tomorrow I will be taking her to the ENT doctor . The first one I called , she couldn 't get in until June 29 so when I was telling Wendy , she gave me the name of another doctor . I called him when I got home and we have an appointment for tomorrow ! How cool is that . So after lunch tomorrow , I will take her to the doctor . It will be the first time she has ridden in a car for 2 weeks . Too bad I have to take her back , but I do until the 16th when she comes home for good . I can 't wait . 7 more days . Oh , I found her clothes down in the laundry at the home . They are now marked . There is just one t - shirt that is in the laundry now that needs to be marked . I will get it tomorrow . So we are all set on her clothes now . She didn 't eat very much for breakfast or lunch because of the pain in her ear and throat . I think her throat is just raw from the dehydration . They took out the IV this morning . I hope they are going in and asking her to drink every hour or so . They said they would be . I don 't know how much she will handle today though with the pain that she is in . I don 't like seeing her in pain . I hope this growth thing is easy to deal with because she certainly doesn 't need anything more to happen to her . She doesn 't understand what is happening now much less if there is something bad about this growth . What could they do for her ? But I will be hopeful and find out tomorrow . I am asking for pain pills for her though because she is in extreme pain from this growth . Tylenol jPosted by Mom is in a lot of pain this morning . She couldn 't eat her breakfast because her throat is just so raw . I tried to give her some lunch but she ate what she could , she is just in so much pain . I almost broke down and cried with her . They had given her a pain pill 2 hours before that so she can 't get another for another 2 hours . Poor thing . I know what it is like to sit or lie in pain . It is awful . This whole new episode is breaking my heart . I don 't like seeing her in pain . It is so hard for her to express herself that all she does is cry because of the pain . I hope they are giving her some pain medicine now as it is past 2 : 00 . If it is like last time the pain should be lessening by tomorrow . But still , that is 4 days in pain for her . She should be able to eat better by Thursday , if it is anything like the last episode . So far , no need to send her back to the hospital . Thank goodness for that . She is confused on where she is enough . I got her discharge papers this morning . She will be discharged on June 16 at about 10 in the morning . I will be there by 9 : 30 so we can have everything packed and ready to go . We are looking at 8 more days of this for her . So far all her blood tests have come out okay . Her urine test should be back this afternoon so they will know more about the urinary tract infection . She is almost done with the medicine for that . At least this way I will get whatever medicine she needs if the infection isn 't gone , unlike if I take her out early . I can do this , it is only 8 more days away . She so wants to be home too . She asks everyday when does she get to go home . I just don 't want her in pain . Her therapy seems to be working out well . Today is bath day but because she is on an IV , she couldn 't do a regular shower so it is a sponge type bath for the little Mom today . At least she will be clean and spiffy smelling . Tomorrow I have to go down to the laundry because 1 of Mom 's outfits is missing . I don 't think it was marked so I will have that taken care of then . It is her favorite outfit , her Disney sPosted by Mom is dehydrated again and this time at the home . The doctor saw her this morning and had them start an IV on her immediately . She was complaining about a sore throat on Saturday and Sunday but the doctor isn 't there on the weekends so she had to wait until today to see him . The doctor also ordered blood tests for her because he doesn 't like how she is looking . I am not surprised , she doesn 't look good at all right now because of the dehydration . I am not sure if they will send her to the hospital or not , the nurse didn 't know . When Mom comes home this weekend this episode should be over if it goes the same way the other episode did . 7 more days until she is home . I plan to carry a drink for her wherever we go no matter what we will be doing . I got my backpack out so that I fit an ensure in there when we go somewhere . I also have the little cooler in the back seat of the car for extra ensures if we are going somewhere for any length of time . I plan on trying to get her to drink every hour she is awake , even if it is only a sip . That will be better than nothing . She is in pain and I asked them to give her something for it , so I am hoping they did . Dehydration is very painful for her . It also gives her a bad headache which she had when I left for teaching . I will check on her tomorrow at lunch . I hope she will be doing much better . I finished pinning Lily and Emily 's dresses this afternoon . I am just waiting for them to come and try them on again so I can press them and then make the hems . I called and let them know it was done . Lily said probably on Saturday they will be here for the fitting . I said no problem ! I can finish the dresses Saturday or Sunday and they will be ready in time for the wedding . Mom 's problem has thrown a loop into my schedule , but that is okay , we still have time . Bob had his lesson today and Calli should be here any minute . After that I plan to go grocery shopping as we are out of a few things . It will be weird going to Walmart without Mom but I will at least be able to go as fast as I wantPosted by 8 more days ! I can 't wait . Almost a week away and Mom will be here , back where she belongs . I saw her for lunch and she was crying through most of it . The nurses assistant said it was a crying day for her . She cried through out breakfast too . She just wants to come home . She doesn 't understand why she is not home or with me . The nurse assistant also said she couldn 't understand why she was still so confused as the infection is getting better . I told her that the confusion isn 't going to get better because Mom has Alzheimer 's . She was surprised . She didn 't know that . Now , why wouldn 't the nurse assistants not know mom has Alzheimer 's ? Anyways , Mom 's throat is bothering her again today so I told the nurse I wanted her looked at . So tomorrow morning the doctor will look at Mom 's throat and ears . It may be just a cold coming on , or it could be dehydration as she drinks even less there than she does here , or at least from what I have seen . I can 't wait until she gets home , I just can 't wait . This has been so hard on the little Mom . I won 't do this again to her that is for sure . I will be working on the girls dresses after I finish up here . Emily and Lily need to have one more fitting before I cut and sew the hem of the dress . I will be pinning it in place this afternoon . Then I will message their dad and let him know so when the girls are available this week they can come for a fitting . Lily will need her shoes though . I want to make sure it is right . I should have done Emily 's 3 weeks ago when I first got the dress but I didn 't . I didn 't anticipate that Mom would become ill and not have time to do the dress . I won 't procrastinate like this again . I want to be finished pinning by dinner time . I have ordered the shoes I need for the wedding today . I meant to do that last month but I forgot . Sometimes my fibro fog is so annoying . I have known for months that I need new shoes , but I forget about it unless it is in the middle of the night or another time that is not convenient to order them . But I have them done now and thPosted by 9 more days until the little Mom comes home ! I saw her for dinner today . She is looking rather tired and she said her throat was hurting her . I hope that is not a sign of dehydration again . Poor thing doesn 't need another episode so soon after the first one . Although , if the doctor wants physical therapy for her again , they are doing it at home . She did say she doesn 't like not being with me . I told her it was only for a few more days and she calms down but she is a bit more confused that usual . I think it is because she is really not sure where she is and doesn 't understand where I am . She is probably in bed by now as she gets real tired about this time there . No afternoon nap like we have here at home for her . She doesn 't make much sense some of the time when I visit her right now . I am hoping that clears up when we are home . I just can 't wait until next weekend when she is discharged ! I just can 't wait . This week has gone by pretty quick which is a good thing and next week promises to be a bit busy too . Thank God for that ! I don 't like having too much time on my hands when I am waiting for something . I have almost finished all 6 books that I bought Tuesday or Wednesday . I will get more on Monday . I will be bringing some old ones that I don 't want anymore back for trade . It makes the books cheaper to buy . It has been a good day despite no mom here . I took a wee nap after Lily 's lesson today . We had Lily 's fitting for her today . I pinned her one strap and the top will be okay with the tighter strap , it straightens it out nicely . She should have her shoes this week . Speaking of shoes , I actually need to look at the catalog and order some because I don 't have any for the wedding . I don 't have any dress shoes and I don 't want to wear tennis shoes , they are so not appropriate for a wedding ( or any other place where dress shoes are expected ) I have very wide feet unfortunately so I have to order my shoes special . I will be looking on the website tonight and ordering them . I hate shopping for shoes , well , I actually haPosted by Mom is doing alright . She didn 't really cry to much when I was there this evening . She barely ate dinner though and passed up a snack at bedtime . Usually after dinner she falls asleep so they change her and put her into bed . I stayed for a couple of hours today . Mom was in better spirits so I think her infection must be clearing up . She is still a bit more confused than usual because of the infection , but that is normal for this situation . I am counting down the days until she comes home . I think I write that every night . Hmm , maybe I should stop doing that . I am getting calmer and calmer over this situation . I am sleeping a bit better now than I was last week . One more week , just one more week , that is what I keep telling myself . My pain level hasn 't come completely back to normal yet , but I figure by the end of the week it should . My head isn 't too bad , but it is more than the normal pain I have . My arm was a bit sore last night and this morning , but now it has calmed down . I haven 't cleared the table yet nor have I started Emily 's dress . I will be working on the dress this weekend . I need help getting the sewing machine out of the trunk and I am sure Ross will do it for me tomorrow . I will get all my tools out tomorrow after I swiffer the floor . I don 't want the floor dirty in case the dress accidentally reaches it . I don 't remember how full the dress it and I don 't want any dirt on it . I plan to do the dress in the afternoon before I go to help with Mom 's dinner . I 'd bring her a donut , but she didn 't eat the last two I brought her . Oh yeah , speaking of food , the are switching Mom to pureed food because at lunch she spit out all the food that wasn 't pureed . I guess she just couldn 't swallow it then . She ate her little carrots okay and the couple of bits of pizza but she scarfed down the mashed potatoes . She loves potatoes , just loves them . I may go to a movie on Sunday . Not really sure yet , but I might . I don 't have anything else to do on Sunday except perhaps a movie . I am going to see what Katie is up too thisPosted by I haven 't seen Mom today , I had a doctor appointment and I have a lesson so I won 't make any meals with her today . I did speak to the social worker . She called to give me an update on Mom . She is making progress with her physical and occupational therapy , so yeah ! to Mom on that one . She also checked into why Mom cries , apparently she cries when I am there . So now what do I do ? I can 't not visit her , but I make her cry when I do because when I am not there she doesn 't think about coming home anymore . She is used to there now . I won 't be able to see her today because of my schedule , however I am planning to see her for dinner tomorrow . I will also find out then how her infection is coming along . I know the doctor ordered more blood work yesterday about this issue . My blood pressure was a bit high at the doctors today . I explained why I was so stressed , she said to try and relax about that whole thing . Easier said than done that is for sure . Also , I gained the 2 pounds I had lost . Yuck on that . My weight is going in the wrong direction again . I will do something about that . I am counting down the days until Mom is here with me . I miss her . I am trying to enjoy my time away from her , but it is hard as I take care of her all day everyday . There are some things I don 't miss though , I will freely admit that . I don 't miss helping her with the bathroom and getting ready for the day or the night . That I don 't miss . I miss her during the daytime , you know , how she is during the day . That is what I miss . I don 't miss the work part of it at all . I did enjoy telling the nurse assistant that Mom had to go to the bathroom and I didn 't have to help with it ! It was a relief not to do that . But , still , I do miss her a lot . I am getting used to being on my own and today , to my relief , I found that I am not lonely . I was the last week and the first part of this week . I am enjoying being on my own today . So yeah ! for me ! I have a link to look at later today after my lesson about a dog . I haven 't decided that yet , I need to inspect ouPosted by So I found out part of the reason Mom is so teary - eyed . Her urinary tract infection is still really bad . They can 't seem to get it under control so that is making her emotions go a little wacky . I was glad to discover that because I was about to take her home because she was so miserable . Well , I can 't because she needs the medicine and the watchful eye of nurses 24 / 7 until this thing is cleared up . She cried a bit during lunch because she thought she was getting her shirt dirty with food . I quickly pointed out that she had an apron ( okay - a bib ) on and she didn 't get any food on that either . Then she said , Oh , okay and was fine . The nurse also said she isn 't eating much either because she just isn 't feeling well . She ate even less today that yesterday . I am now fine with where she is because I know if they don 't get it under control they will send her back to Beaumont for further medicines and doctors and such . I hope the tests they do today will be better and she some improvement . Poor thing , she doesn 't need this on top of everything else . She is doing fine during physical therapy , yes , they sometimes have to convince her to go . But she will go and then she is fine . She is very tired but I don 't think as tired as she was yesterday or the day before . She hasn 't also said that her eyes are sore which is a good sign that she is getting some sleep . I still miss her but seeing her everyday is a big help . I am starting to enjoy the peace and quiet around here . I still haven 't done everything I said I would do while she is gone , but there is still 12 days left to this . I have been reading a bit more , although I do read with Mom here . She reads her books and I read mine . It is nice quiet time for us . My friend , Heather , has suggested perhaps I look into getting a dog or a cat . It sounds like a pretty good idea . I will be thinking about that while Mom is temporarily away . It would be good company for both of us , especially when I am by myself . My only real concern right now is that our house isn 't exactly where I want Posted by Happy June everyone ! Mom is having a sad day today . Apparently she cried through her physical therapy session this morning . She worked out on the machines and did exercises this morning . I was glad to hear that . Made me feel much better than yesterday about my decision to place her temporarily . She has occupational therapy this evening . She ate pretty well for her at lunch . I encouraged her to feed herself and she did do it through most of it . I only fed her a bit when I knew she could fit a bit more in . She did pretty well by herself , so yes , she still has that skill ! Yeah ! She hasn 't forgotten how to eat . I got there before she was finished with therapy so I waited in the lounge for her . She gave me a big smile when she saw me . I knew then she was having a crying day . She has them here at home too , it is just part of the disease , a non - pleasant part , but a part of it . When Mom forgets something she thinks she should know she cries . I am used to it by now . Her anxiety medicine has helped with the tears too , she doesn 't cry as much as she used to . I messaged my cousin , Cathy , through face book yesterday and she gave me some suggestions on what to do . Since Mom had a full session of physical therapy today , I am happier with the nursing center . They are very nice there and the staff is caring , it just isn 't home to Mom . She didn 't ask to come home today so that is a step in the right direction . I let her know that in 12 days she was coming home and she smiled . I only stayed about an hour because after her big morning and lunch she was tired . I wanted her to get some sleep before her occupational therapy session this afternoon . I don 't know what type of things they do but it helps her and that is what counts . I went to the used bookstore after I left Mom , I got 6 new ( well , used ) books by my favorite authors . I donated about 17 boxes of books 2 summers ago and have been sad I did that ever since because now I have the time to read . I am not feeling really well today . My head and tummy aren 't happy campers , but I took Posted by I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis .

I met with Georgette for lunch today . It was a lot of fun . I expected the physical therapist to arrive between 12 : 30 and 12 : 45 like she usually does , but she didn 't . She called at 1 : 30 while we were about to eat lunch so she came later today around 4 : 30 . What a near miss that one was . I am glad she was able to fit Mom in today . Mom did really well with her exercises today . She even joked with Lori . It was amazing . She didn 't do all of her step exercise on the right foot , she seemed to get confused with that today , but she did everything else just fine . It has been a good day , not a whole lot going on in my head today , it seems kind of stuffy . I think I may be getting a cold . My throat is a bit sore and my head and nose are a bit stuffy . Rather annoying . I hope I don 't get one because I don 't want Mom to get it too . I don 't think she would fight off a cold very well . She isn 't really stronger enough . It is really nice out again . It is supposed to stay nice until it gets hot this weekend . Supposedly , though when it is 90 degrees this weekend , there will be no humidity . I hope not . That gives me a headache . Speaking of headaches , I have a doozy right now . It was so bad this afternoon , but I am out of my pain pills . They should be at the pharmacy refilled right now as I called in the prescription last week . It needed a doctor 's approval though so that always take some time . I could really use my pills right about now . I think we will head to bed early tonight . Mom sees a new doctor tomorrow for her sore . I hope they can do something about it . I hope you are having a good day . It is really pretty outside today with the blue sky and white puffy clouds . It is a bit cooler than it has been , but I don 't mind . I like the temperature better than the 80 degrees and the 90 degrees . My head doesn 't ache as much with this weather . Mom is in the living room taking a bit of a nap . I had one too , but only for about an hour where as she is still sleeping two hours later . That is fine . She needs the rest . We had to get up earlier today and I think she woke up from pain in her back early . She doesn 't sleep in the middle of the bed enough so sometimes her legs fall over the side of the bed and that hurts her back . I am going to get a body pillow to put behind her so she isn 't really laying on her back which she shouldn 't do with a pressure sore anyways . I can alternate sides every night for her . I only have Charlie today , Zach rescheduled because he has a really bad headache . He is coming tomorrow . Works for me . We are also meeting Georgette for a late lunch tomorrow . It will be fun . Kathy is supposed to be checking her schedule for the rest of the summer to see when a good time for us to come and visit will be . Mom and I are planning ( okay , I am planning ) to stay at a hotel with a pool so the kids can come and swim while we all visit together . It should be fun . Mom loves watching the kids play . I don 't know when my older brother Richard is coming for a visit yet . Sometime in July . Mom has to see a general surgeon now for her pressure sore . I don 't know if there is anything that can be done about it , but Dr . Gradolph wants us to see one so we will . I will be making the appointment today . She has gained 5 pounds now since she has been home . I am so excited about that . I don 't know how she did it , and I don 't really care because she did . That is all that counts . She gained 5 pounds . She now weighs 86 pounds . I also will be getting her a donut type cushion to sit on where ever we go because that will help with the pressure on her bottom . Poor thing , she is so tiny , she is just a little bitty thing . She is onlPosted by It 's Monday ! Ugh , and I am tired . We had such a full weekend it was wonderful . Exhausting , but wonderful . The nurse was here early for Mom . She called to say she was on her way while we were at Tim Horton 's . Oops ! So I bagged our stuff and we headed back home . We got here just before she pulled in . Talk about great timing ! She said Mom 's pressure sore is doing better but we need to follow up with the Doctor . So I will call this afternoon for an appointment this week . Poor thing , as if she needed something else to deal with , right ? She is not eating well this afternoon like she did yesterday . She ate her donut but isn 't eating her muffin . She takes a bite , puts it down , forgets about it , then I remind her and we start again . She is just distracted for some reason today . I am excited about her eating dinner though because Michelle sent us home with left overs ! ! ! Yup ! ! ! ! Isn 't that great ? ? ? I think so . I also need to go to the store to get her Ensure with protein today because we are out . We will do that after Frank 's lesson or Callie 's , depending on who is last for a lesson . I know Patty had said something about making Frank 's lesson earlier , but I haven 't heard from her yet . Whatever works best for her , works best for us . That is what I told her . Other than 3 lessons and a trip to the store , not much going on today . I was going to clean off the table , but I think other than looking for bills that need to be paid , that will be the extent of my cleaning off the table . Emptying the bills will help , just won 't totally clear it all . I emailed Kathy today to ask her when a good time for us to visit would be . I figured it would be easier if she just told us when to come rather than the other way around because she is the one with the kids who have camps and such , and we don 't . Our schedule is so much more flexible than hers . Other than teaching , physical therapy , and the nurse visit , we are pretty open for visiting . Mom is being very careful of where she puts her water on the table now . She nearly tipped it over awhile ago aPosted by I am so tired . We spent the day at my Uncle John 's house with his family . My younger brother , Andrew , was there with his new girl friend , Angela . She is very nice and her father has Alzheimer 's too , so she totally understands Mom . A very important detail to me . She was very kind to Mom . Andrew served Mom her dinner and I was thinking , oh my , that is way too much food , she is never going to eat it . Well , she did , every last bit . I couldn 't believe it . She even had fruit and ice cream after . I mean , man , how awesome is that ? She ate her whole dinner , something she has not done for 4 months . I have to give her 1 / 2 of cup here , 1 / 2 of cup there , and beg her to eat that and then finish it off with an ensure drink . Not today , she ate the whole thing . Michelle , my Uncle 's girl friend , gave us enough left overs for 2 days . The last time we were there in May , Mom ate pretty well too , but not as good as she did today . We were all very impressed about it . I think this week I am going to get a roast and cook it in the slow cooker so it will be very tender and then cut it up into meals and try serving that to her to see if that helps her eating at all . All I know , is I thought this wasn 't going to be a good eating day because she at 1 / 2 of her cheeseburger for lunch and it turned out to be fantastic . We had a really good day there , we really did . Michelle and Jayson ( my small 3 year old cousin - who is so adorable ) will be coming to visit us soon too . I can 't wait , that will be awesome too . I am so tired right now though . I can 't think of anything else to say except it was a great weekend . Started off with a great wedding , then a nice and relaxing Saturday , and then another great day at my Uncle 's . I like these kind of weekends . I hope we have more soon . Maybe when Richard is in town we will take him to my Uncle 's too . That would be great . I just don 't know when Richard is coming . My niece turns 11 this week . Oh my , it is hard to believe , I remember when she was born . Such a tiny thing she was . I fell in love with her at firstPosted by Yesterday was a very full day for us . An absolutely wonderful day filled with family and friends , and some new friends . It started like every other day for us . We got up , went to Tim Horton 's , ate brunch and then came home . Mom 's physical therapist , Lori , arrived about 12 : 45 pm for a 1 / 2 hour of exercise for mom . She is doing pretty well although she doesn 't have the attention span to always finish the exercise . She does some leg exercises and then she walks a bit to show Lori how her walking is doing , and lastly , her stepping exercises . I am to work on her stepping exercises with her too , to make her stronger . Lori wants Mom walking as much as she can . She wasn 't really pleased that Mom was going to be pushed in a wheel chair for the wedding . Her opinion is that Mom can walk and should walk as much as she can . There will come a time when she can 't , and then you use a wheel chair , but not until that time . A bit after Lori left , Tillie and Maia arrived . Tillie was coming to the wedding with us to help with Mom . We sat around and talked a bit before it was time to get dressed for the wedding . Maia 's boyfriend , Mark , came to pick her up . He called a few hours earlier because he was worried about her . Maia was coming over with her Mom and they always shop first . Hey , why not , it is fun ! They stopped at their regular places . I don 't particularly care for shopping so I am always glad they go before they get here . Sometimes , I like to go , but not very often . I can 't walk very well or very far and shopping is difficult for me . I do like to go and shop at Walmart 's because they have scooters I can ride . We don 't go very much because we don 't need anymore stuff . We are in the process of downsizing our stuff , so shopping for more would defeat the purpose . At about 4 : 30 it was time to dress for the wedding . Mom had a pretty blouse with a nice pair of pants and a jacket to wear . The wedding ceremony would be in es garden , but the reception would be indoors , so I had to make sure she would be warm in the reception . I wore nice dPosted by It was a good day today with only 1 small blemish . When one is going to knit with a friend , remember to bring the knitting ! Yeah , what can I say , I was so excited about visiting today , I left the project at home . We woke up a bit late today , noon again . I have been so exhausted this week , I don 't know if it is the heat or what , but boy , have I been tired . Mom was awake already , just lying in her bed quietly as usual . She is not a loud person in general and with the Alzheimer 's , even quieter . She just sits or lies quietly waiting for me to get up . When we went to leave for Tim Horton 's , we ran into our neighbors , Richie and Amy , who were working outside in their yard . It was a brief visit as Mom was having a weepy morning . She cried through a bit of the brief visit . Then we were off . She did much better when we sat with our friend , Rosemary . Mom ate really well this morning . I was pleased . However , at dinner , she didn 't eat much . She drank pretty well at Heather 's house this afternoon . After several tries of a water bottle for Mom , we found one . Heather had an extra one with a straw that Mom seemed to do well with , so she gave it to us . How sweet was that ? So now Mom has a nice new water bottle that we can take everywhere with us . We picked up Heather from the car repair store . She has to get the van fixed after the incident on Monday with the tire on the freeway . What an awful thing to have happen . Boy , who knew a tire could cause so much damage . Hope she gets it fixed rather soon as she does need the van to transport the small children to their activities . Mom did pretty well at the visit today . She started by sitting on the love seat but moved to the piano bench as she was getting uncomfortable . She seemed to enjoy sitting next to Callie on the piano bench . Mom likes Heather 's two children a lot . I can tell because they make her smile when they play and Mom likes to watch them . She has improved a lot since she came home last week . I picked up Elyse 's wedding present today . I looked at picture frames but they didnPosted by It was a rather lazy day in the house today . The physical therapist came to work with Mom this afternoon . She did a few exercises with her and then had her walk a bit . All in all she was here for about 1 / 2 hour . The nurse came after that . She checked Mom out . She put a pad on Mom to help with the sore she now has . With the newest weight loss of Mom , she got a sore . I was not happy about that . As if she needs something else to go wrong . She took it all in stride and tries to eat and drink as much as she can . I have to make sure she eats protein because that is what heals the sore . We both took naps after the nurse left . I am so tired today it is unbelievable . At least I can sleep in tomorrow . I am looking forward to that . Friday is the wedding . I can 't wait for that . I have to clean off the table tomorrow . I have bills that have to be paid . In the worry about Mom I forgot to pay the house payment . I will be taking care of that tomorrow that is for sure . Can 't get behind on our house payment . We are meeting my friend , Georgette for lunch next week . I think that will be so fun . She is a lot of fun and always filled with great stories about what is going on in her life . She has been and is a great friend and supporter . She supports me so much in keeping Mom home as long as possible . She agrees with me that Mom can be home for a very long time and that the house can be fit to meet Mom 's needs . She likes Mom a lot too , which is good . Mom does really well when we meet friends for lunch or tea . It is rather hot and humid today so we are hiding in the house today . We did go out for our brunch as usual . It was crazy because we got there right before a big downpour of rain and left just after it ended . Talk about good timing . We didn 't get wet at all . One thing weird happened while we were there . This young man , teenager , got a bagel to eat and then proceeded to ask an older gentleman and a woman to loan him $ 12 for his cell phone bill . Both , naturally , declined . He didn 't ask us but I would have said no too . It was just too Posted by It is absolutely beautiful out today . The sun is shining and there is a cool breeze . I had the windows down in the car for our short drive . Mom seemed to enjoy it too . I woke up rather late this morning , noon . I was so tired last night and we didn 't go to bed until 11 pm so by the time I got Mom into bed and me ready for bed , it was 11 : 30 before I got in . I am a 12 hour sleeper . I tend to wake up several times a night from the pain so sometimes I have to get up and walk to the bathroom and back or sometimes just getting out of bed reduces the pain . It makes for a terrible night sleep , but hey , when you have FMS , what can you do ? I am tired still so I think I will make it an early night for the two of us , maybe around 9 pm like we used to do all the time . Mom , of course , was awake way before me . I didn 't move her legs more into the center of the bed last night so she woke up with them over the side of the bed . I don 't like that because it causes her pain . She didn 't want me to move her legs over last night , she was really afraid of me doing that so I didn 't . Well , I will have to , whether or not she is afraid because the results cause her way too much pain and we can 't have that . That is just unacceptable . She is sitting in the dining room with me right now instead of the living room . She has the beginning of a pressure sore on her tailbone so I don 't want her sitting in there much today . The nurse is coming tomorrow and she will look at Mom for me . I called her today and asked her to do that tomorrow . I didn 't want to forget , and you know how fibro fog is . My luck , I would totally forget until she was gone . Not acceptable , best to call ahead and ask , so I did . Mom , surprisingly , is still awake and not sleeping . She often is asleep at this time of day . Maybe she got enough sleep last night , it is possible . It would be nice if one of us could get a good night 's sleep . She has been eating and drinking very good for the last couple of days . She ate all her dinner last night and the night before . She also has finished Posted by I had 2 lessons today . Callie tried to get here in time for her lesson from camp , but her mom drove over a tire on the way home and it knocked out the power steering pump in the car so she had to go straight to the car repair place . From the post on Face Book , it seems Callie had a great day at goal ball camp . She loves that sport . I hope to see her play someday . She is very good . Frank is doing pretty good with his competition pieces . His pop piece is almost ready , but his test list piece isn 't quite ready yet . I hope by the beginning of the month it will be ready . He has about 4 weeks before competition . Knowing him as I do , he will be practicing a lot between now and then . He has most of his pop song memorized and some of the test list song . He is almost done with the Mozart piece too . He is not playing that for competition . Bob is almost done with All I Ask of You and coming along very well with A Whole New World . He will be on vacation next week so he won 't be having a lesson . I hope he and Maggie have a great time on their cruise . They are going to Venice and a few other places . I can 't wait to see the pictures . Mom is doing better today . She drank all her milk and some water . She ate okay , not great , but okay . The nurse came today . The one that came on Friday was a fill in , Sherri is going to be the regular nurse . She said that Mom 's dehydration could have been the result of the urinary tract infection she had . That would make good sense because Mom was not feeling very well a couple of days before I took her into ER . I had no warning that she was that sick though . I hope to at least have a better idea if it happens again . She is doing well now . She is drinking her water without being reminded this evening , so I am very happy about that . She also keeps trying to pull papers out of the pile of papers in the middle of the table . I will sort the pile tomorrow . I have a few bills that have to be paid this week . I also have to go to the Secretary of State this week and show them the pay off letter from the car . I Posted by Happy Father 's Day ! ! ! ! We had a relaxing type day . I had Katie 's lesson this morning and then we went to Tim Horton 's and then grocery shopping . I think next time I will get Carolyn to watch Mom while I go shopping , although she did really well . The store is big and I ride in a scooter so that leaves Mom to walk around the store . She did good and didn 't complain about being tired until we were almost done . We were in the cashier 's line to pay when she mentioned she was tired . Once the groceries were put away we both put our feet up in the living room and fell asleep . I think we both slept about 3 hours . I think we were both pretty tired . I am still tired . Grocery shopping is an exhausting adventure to me so I am not surprised that I slept so long . We will both be heading for bed early . At least we both get to sleep in tomorrow ! yeah ! My first lesson tomorrow is at 3 pm . I was going to get Olive Garden to go but since we grocery shopped I just cooked up something quick . Mom doesn 't eat very much so cooking for her is a piece of cake because she doesn 't eat a full serving of anything . I got some simple foods that she likes so cooking for the next few weeks will be easy . We have an exciting week ahead of us . I will finish cleaning off the dining room table . Yes , I know , I was supposed to finish that before Mom came home last week . It didn 't really happen . I did take off most of the books that were all over the table , but the bills are still in piles . I will be paying them this week . There are a few that are due . I don 't want to pay late notices . I have possibly 3 lessons tomorrow , depending on if Callie is back from camp in time for her lesson . She has a fun filled week of camp this week so I am not anticipating seeing her . I hope to so I can hear all about it and give her her lesson , but it is one of those , if she arrives , she 's there , otherwise she is in traffic coming home . I really hope she has a fun time . She is such a neat young person . Frank should be finishing up some music this week and we are working hard Posted by What a fun afternoon ! ! ! ! First up was Lily 's lesson . She is singing " Look to the Rainbow " and " Loch Lamond " and doing a good job at both . She is also auditioning for her summer music theatre play " Aida " so we worked on her audition material . I love that musical . Mom and I saw several years ago and it was simply amazing ! Just amazing ! The music was fantastic ! Mom loved it . I bought the CD to it and practically wore it out in my car . I forgot to find it for Lily so she could hear some of the music before Tuesday 's audition . I will find it this week so she can hear it . After Lily 's lesson was Zachary 's graduation party . Mom did real well there . She only teared up a few times which is better than she has done and it was mostly while she was eating which is when she normally does it . We ended up staying almost 3 hours , I was surprised at the time when we got back into the car . We met some of Zach 's parents friends and they were really nice . I also got to have a long chat with Zach 's older brother , Alex . I haven 't spoken to him in a long long time . It was great to catch up with him . He is an actor and a singer . We had to get Zach 's present on the way because I fell asleep yesterday afternoon so I didn 't get to it on my list of things to do yesterday . We took care of it though . I got him 2 movies that he wanted . I asked him on Tuesday at his lesson what he wanted so he called me with a list . I like to give gifts instead of money because they are more fun to me and it is something different too . He told me which movies he wanted and we got him 2 of them . I like that he gave me a choice . One thing I have noticed since Mom has been home is that she says random things that don 't make a lot of sense at times . This is new , well , fairly new . She would do this occasionally before , but now it is more frequent . She is also afraid of doing something wrong , very afraid . She cries because she thinks she is doing something wrong , I tell she is doing good and isn 't doing anything wrong , then she is okay . But this happens all day long . IPosted by I finished the bridesmaid and the maid of honor dresses . The wedding is only next week . The visiting nurse and the visiting physical therapist were here this afternoon to evaluate Mom . Outside of perhaps getting a bit stronger there isn 't much else that the physical therapist can do for Mom . I mean , she can 't learn any new behaviors , so what is the point ? She needs help to get dressed , and pretty much everything . She isn 't eating very much and she is drinking a bit . She does usually drink a sip or two when I ask . The therapist was please with how Mom goes up and down the stairs . We showed her around the house so we had to go upstairs . I have to get Mom a toilet frame for each of the bathrooms so she has bars to hold on to when she needs it . I will pick them up when we go shopping on Sunday . We don 't have any plans except Katie 's lesson for Sunday . Mom still gets upset a bit easy , but not as much as she did yesterday . Everyday is getting better , I think . We shall see . I am rather tired today . I took a wee nap after the physical therapist left . Both Mom and I slept . I slept for about 2 1 / 2 hours , so did she . Not much else happening in our house today . Tomorrow is Lily 's lesson and Zachary 's graduation party . I have to stop and get his gift on the way . He gave me some ideas so I know what to get him . I hope your day was good too . It is knitting today . First time in about 3 or so weeks between my schedule , Mom , and my friend , Heather 's schedule , we just haven 't connected . Today we will . Tomorrow a nurse from the home care will be coming to see Mom . We won 't be going to sewing because I have some sewing I have got to do before Saturday , so I am doing some today and finishing up tomorrow . It is a good day so far . Mom got up pretty well , although she said she was tired and wanted to sleep more but since I had a doctor 's appointment for a blood test , we had to get up . She is in the living room sleeping right now . After the appointment we went to our usual , Tim Horton 's , and our friend , Rosemary was there . She watched Mom while I went and got our food . Mom did pretty well , she ate some soup and then ate her donut . She cried a bit every so often while we were there . She cries really easy right now , I think because she is so afraid of being left alone . It will take time for her to relax , I think . She is back on her anxiety medicine now that she is home . Rosemary lent me a book about Historical mysteries . I can 't wait to dive into it . I love reading . I may read some out loud to Mom . She likes that . So far today is a good day for the both of us . She looks like she had a good sleep , although she is tired . Tomorrow she can have a good sleep in , we both can . I do want to do some grocery shopping soon , we are out of a lot of food . Right now , she is too tired to go with me , but I figure maybe this weekend she will be okay for shopping a bit . We have a bit of frozen dinners left and enough ensure for a few days . I will be bringing an ensure with us so she has a lot to drink . So far , she has drank about 1 / 4 of an ensure and about 3 / 4 of the 1 / 2 pint of milk . That is a lot for her . As it gets hotter this weekend , I will be upping how much she drinks . She doesn 't need another episode of dehydration . That would definitely be bad . Pain is regular today , not too bad . My head is just it 's normal headache , not extra like a few days ago . My arm is alright . I can movPosted by Mom is home ! I am soooooo happy about that . I picked her up at 10 am . I quickly packed her suitcase and went down to laundry to pick up her other clothes . I have some laundry to do for her , but that is okay . I will do it , tomorrow ! She hasn 't had her anxiety medicine for the entire time she was in the nursing home . I found that out today . No wonder she was so miserable and crying all the time . She was scared and nervous the entire time she was there . I don 't know how long it will take until she feels comfortable again . She has really gone down in the last month with everything that has happened to her . I have put the new plan in place . We both fell asleep this afternoon though for about 3 1 / 2 hours . We both are rather exhausted . I don 't know how she is going to do when it is time to go to bed , but we will go up together and I will put her to bed . I plan to sit with her as long as it is necessary . She still cries easy right now . She did pretty well at Tim Horton 's this morning and the little restaurant for dinner . Mom hasn 't eaten very well , but I figure it will take a few days before she is comfortable enough to eat a bit more again . Her appetite isn 't very good to begin with . She did eat 1 / 2 her donut this morning and she ate a bit of mashed potatoes and soup . I brought the left overs home for tomorrow 's dinner . I am so glad she is home although she is nervous . Pain is a bit higher , not sure why today . I am feeling better now that Mom is home . I should sleep better tonight ! I can 't wait until tomorrow ! ! ! Mom comes home . How exciting . She looked a bit happy about coming home but then she got nervous and cried . Poor thing doesn 't know if she is coming or going these days . I hope after a few days at home she will even herself out . She ate pretty good for lunch . yeah , they think I am going to puree all her food . That isn 't going to happen right now . I cut up her food into small pieces and she does just fine with them . I will be clearing off the dining room table this evening since she will be arriving tomorrow . I want it cleared so she won 't pull any piles down . She tries to be so helpful , unfortunately , she pulls from the bottom of the piles not the top so everything crashes down . I am pretty tired today although I am not so sure why . I went to bed okay last night so I really shouldn 't be extra tired . I am excited about tomorrow and a bit nervous too since she hasn 't been home in 3 1 / 2 weeks and won 't really know where everything is . I hope everything goes okay once Mom is home . She should hopefully cry less since she will be with me , that is the hope . She is very dependent on me and this has been hard for the both of us . She saw the doctor and they don 't think anything is wrong with her ear or her throat , not that they can find . I will keep an eye on it and see what happens . She had an ear ache during lunch again but she was very nervous and crying a lot too . I actually wasn 't the one feeding her since she wouldn 't eat for me , a nurse assistant came over and she got Mom to eat some . Mom wouldn 't drink anything though which is normal for her there . I will be putting my plan in action so we shall see how successful I will be . I have 2 students later today , in about an hour so I am happy about that . After that I will be clearing the table before I eat dinner . I am going to grocery shop tomorrow with Mom so she can tell me what she wants . Pain level is alright for a change . It isn 't too hot or muggy out right now so that is probably why . It is supposed to rain tonight though , so my head maPosted by 1 1 / 2 days until Mom is home ! ! ! ! ! I can 't wait ! ! ! ! ! Today has been a pretty good day so far . I won 't be able to see Mom until tomorrow because of both our schedules . When I am not teaching she is in therapy or bed so that ends the plans on visiting today . However , I will make it for lunch tomorrow and then by 9 : 20 on Wednesday ready to take her home . I know she was supposed to see the doctor again this morning . I will find out what he said tomorrow . It would be nice if he gave her something for the pain in her throat and ear that they keep ignoring . If it keeps up , I plan to take her to our doctor to find out what is going on . I am hoping once she is home it stops and she can relax again because she will be with me . Just because the doctors can 't find out what is wrong doesn 't mean she isn 't in pain ! Look how many doctors and years it took to find out what was wrong with me . Mom never gave up on that and I won 't give up on her . On to better news . The Muglia family will be getting a piano ! A real piano ! The girls are so excited about it . It will go in the living room where the big keyboard used to be . The found it at an Estate sale and the person they bought it from knows someone who can transport it to their house . I am so excited for them . The three older girls ( there are 8 children in the family now ) love playing piano and I love teaching them . I also teach them sewing on Friday . They are excited to see Mom as she hasn 't been at sewing for a few weeks . They are such a nice family , really nice and caring . I hope to pick up a few more books this afternoon at the used bookstore . I have pretty much read everything that is left in the house . I have spent the last 3 1 / 2 weeks reading when I am not teaching or sleeping or sewing . I have a bit of sewing to do this week too . I will have Emily 's and Lily 's dresses ready for Saturday . I just love sewing . It is something that Mom and I used to do together . Now she watches me and sometimes gives me advice . She can remember a bit about sewing so that is good . Originally it waPosted by Mom is doing a bit better today than yesterday , although she is still in pain . She will see the doctor tomorrow . I can 't wait until Wednesday ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I just can 't . As long as everything is okay , she is coming home Wednesday . She ate 2 / 3 of her lunch today and had 2 / 3 of the ensure cup they gave her . That was pretty good for her . Mom was pretty tired by the time I left , I had a bad headache again . Partly from the stress , the other part from the weather . This episode has been so hard on the both of us . Donna thinks part of her ear problem could be clenching her teeth , that is a good possibility . She does clench when she is nervous and she has been a nervous wreck for 3 weeks now since she hasn 't been home . She admits to being very nervous . She doesn 't understand why . I do . It 's because she isn 't with me and home , but starting Wednesday , she will be with me and will be home . Her physical therapy is going well and so is the occupational therapy . I only cried a little bit when I was with her today . I think after she comes home it will be easier on the both of us . I have read so many books since she has been gone though , oh my . I read most of the time . I don 't want to watch the TV show DVDs we have until she can watch them with me . I enjoy her company especially when we do things together like go to a show or watch TV . Sometimes I read out loud to her too . All depends on what our moods are . 2 1 / 2 more days ! ! ! ! My head is real bad today , like I said . My arm is a bit sorer than usual too . I think I am extra sore because I am so tense right now . I took a pain pill so I hope that helps with the pain . It is going to rain again here . That 's what it looks like outside . I hope you are having a good day . My days will improve as soon as Wednesday arrives . Just got back from visiting Mom for her dinner . She didn 't eat very much . She is in so much pain she couldn 't eat . I nearly lost it there when I was trying to feed her . It hurt her throat so much that I almost starting wailing myself . I did lose it when I got home . I am having a difficult time handling her in pain . She is in so much pain and has been for over a week now . Why aren 't they doing something about it ? Obviously , Tylenol is not working very well . She doesn 't understand what is going on as it is , let 's just add pain on top of her confusion . Yeah , great , sounds fun doesn 't it ? I keep telling myself , 3 1 / 2 days , just 3 1 / 2 days , that is all we have to survive and then she will be home with me . This is killing me , just as it is her . She calls for me all the time and cries most of the time . Some of it is from pain , like tonight , and some is from fear . She is scared to death and doesn 't understand what is going on . If we didn 't need her medicine , I would have pulled her out 2 weeks ago , but we need her medicine . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel , Wednesday ! I can 't wait until Wednesday . I will see her for lunch tomorrow and then I won 't see her on Monday because of teaching , but I will see her on Tuesday and then I will be picking her up on Wednesday . I think she is getting dehydrated again , because of the head and throat pain . I really hope not . They don 't seem to think her pain is any big deal though because they aren 't calling in the doctor . So we wait until Monday when she sees the doctor again . I hope she isn 't dehydrated and that it is just what is left over from the dehydration , but you never know with Mom . I just don 't want a set back that will keep her there longer . I want her home where I can watch her around the clock . She needs to be with me , then she will improve . My head is very sore today because of the upsets I have had . My whole body aches and I am really tired too . Crying tires me out a lot . Mom asked if I was upset when we got back to her room and I said yes . She tried to pat my sPosted by Mom saw the dentist today at the nursing center . They had to give her something for anxiety because she was so upset . I should have told the lady last night on the phone that they had my permission , but I didn 't think of it . They called today and of course , I said yes . Her teeth are in pretty good condition considering her age and the fact she has them all . She has one new cavity that is pretty bad , and 1 filling has come out . We will get those taken care of as soon as possible . Thanks to my 2 friends who gave suggestions on dentists . I very much appreciate that . Mom ate 1 / 2 of her dinner which is good for her . She even drank 1 / 2 of the 1 / 2 pint of milk , first time in 3 weeks since she has drank that much milk . I was so pleased with her even though it is difficult to get her to eat and drink . It takes about an hour for her to eat , with a pit stop thrown in . After dinner they usually put her to bed because she is so tired after a long day . She doesn 't get time to take much of a nap there because of the therapy in the morning and the therapy in the afternoon . I would much rather her be put to bed early than no therapy or less therapy that is for sure . 5 more days and she comes home , although it really is 4 1 / 2 because she gets out so early on the 16th . I still haven 't touched the dining room table . He he he . I will work on it this weekend . I have just been rather lazy about it but it will get done before she comes home . I plan to get a nice spring / summer bouquet of flowers for her homecoming . It will have been 3 1 / 2 weeks since she has been home and she deserves some flowers . I plan to go out to dinner with her too , but that will wait until the weekend . She needs to rest up a bit before we go out . I had sewing class with my girls today ! Lydia finished her skirt and Natalie is almost done . I have to take the flounce off again ( 2nd time ) because she put it on backwards . I told her I would take it apart and finish it off sometime next week . I also plan on finishing Emily 's and Lily 's dresses this weekend . So all in allPosted by So I took Mom to the ENT this afternoon . A rather waste of time . She doesn 't have a growth in her ear after all ! Thank goodness for that . She may have TMJ , from what I read and where Mom says the pain is at , it is very likely she has that . The nursing home 's dentist will look at her for that . If they don 't look at her before she goes home , I will have to find a dentist and make an appointment . We don 't really have the money for a dentist , but if that is what she needs , then that is what she gets . I think she does need to go to the dentist anyways since it has been years since she has gone . We will wait and see what happens between now and Wednesday . Only 6 more days until the little person comes home ! Yeah ! ! ! ! She is still in a lot of pain , her throat is better , but her ear is bad . She didn 't eat much breakfast because of the pain , but I was able to get some lunch down her before the pain took over . I talked to the nurse and asked her to give Mom the pain pills closer to dinner so maybe that will help her . I won 't be there until dinner tomorrow and Saturday . I am so tired today and my head is sore again . I need a nap . I think I will go and take one shortly . I got up at the regular time today , but I don 't know exactly why I am so tired except I have had a bad headache for 3 days now . I am very sick of this headache , totally sick of it . I hope your day is better than mine . I had lunch with my friend , Wendy , from high school . It was fun . I really enjoy getting together with her and chatting . She has to set her alarm on the phone or we would continue to chat and her little boy won 't get picked up from school . That would be bad . I am sure he would like to come home . She has one more week of this school stuff and then summer vacation ! I know she and the family are looking forward to it . I saw Mom , as usual , this afternoon for lunch . She was checked by the doctor today for her earache and her throat . She has a growth in her ear so tomorrow I will be taking her to the ENT doctor . The first one I called , she couldn 't get in until June 29 so when I was telling Wendy , she gave me the name of another doctor . I called him when I got home and we have an appointment for tomorrow ! How cool is that . So after lunch tomorrow , I will take her to the doctor . It will be the first time she has ridden in a car for 2 weeks . Too bad I have to take her back , but I do until the 16th when she comes home for good . I can 't wait . 7 more days . Oh , I found her clothes down in the laundry at the home . They are now marked . There is just one t - shirt that is in the laundry now that needs to be marked . I will get it tomorrow . So we are all set on her clothes now . She didn 't eat very much for breakfast or lunch because of the pain in her ear and throat . I think her throat is just raw from the dehydration . They took out the IV this morning . I hope they are going in and asking her to drink every hour or so . They said they would be . I don 't know how much she will handle today though with the pain that she is in . I don 't like seeing her in pain . I hope this growth thing is easy to deal with because she certainly doesn 't need anything more to happen to her . She doesn 't understand what is happening now much less if there is something bad about this growth . What could they do for her ? But I will be hopeful and find out tomorrow . I am asking for pain pills for her though because she is in extreme pain from this growth . Tylenol jPosted by Mom is in a lot of pain this morning . She couldn 't eat her breakfast because her throat is just so raw . I tried to give her some lunch but she ate what she could , she is just in so much pain . I almost broke down and cried with her . They had given her a pain pill 2 hours before that so she can 't get another for another 2 hours . Poor thing . I know what it is like to sit or lie in pain . It is awful . This whole new episode is breaking my heart . I don 't like seeing her in pain . It is so hard for her to express herself that all she does is cry because of the pain . I hope they are giving her some pain medicine now as it is past 2 : 00 . If it is like last time the pain should be lessening by tomorrow . But still , that is 4 days in pain for her . She should be able to eat better by Thursday , if it is anything like the last episode . So far , no need to send her back to the hospital . Thank goodness for that . She is confused on where she is enough . I got her discharge papers this morning . She will be discharged on June 16 at about 10 in the morning . I will be there by 9 : 30 so we can have everything packed and ready to go . We are looking at 8 more days of this for her . So far all her blood tests have come out okay . Her urine test should be back this afternoon so they will know more about the urinary tract infection . She is almost done with the medicine for that . At least this way I will get whatever medicine she needs if the infection isn 't gone , unlike if I take her out early . I can do this , it is only 8 more days away . She so wants to be home too . She asks everyday when does she get to go home . I just don 't want her in pain . Her therapy seems to be working out well . Today is bath day but because she is on an IV , she couldn 't do a regular shower so it is a sponge type bath for the little Mom today . At least she will be clean and spiffy smelling . Tomorrow I have to go down to the laundry because 1 of Mom 's outfits is missing . I don 't think it was marked so I will have that taken care of then . It is her favorite outfit , her Disney sPosted by Mom is dehydrated again and this time at the home . The doctor saw her this morning and had them start an IV on her immediately . She was complaining about a sore throat on Saturday and Sunday but the doctor isn 't there on the weekends so she had to wait until today to see him . The doctor also ordered blood tests for her because he doesn 't like how she is looking . I am not surprised , she doesn 't look good at all right now because of the dehydration . I am not sure if they will send her to the hospital or not , the nurse didn 't know . When Mom comes home this weekend this episode should be over if it goes the same way the other episode did . 7 more days until she is home . I plan to carry a drink for her wherever we go no matter what we will be doing . I got my backpack out so that I fit an ensure in there when we go somewhere . I also have the little cooler in the back seat of the car for extra ensures if we are going somewhere for any length of time . I plan on trying to get her to drink every hour she is awake , even if it is only a sip . That will be better than nothing . She is in pain and I asked them to give her something for it , so I am hoping they did . Dehydration is very painful for her . It also gives her a bad headache which she had when I left for teaching . I will check on her tomorrow at lunch . I hope she will be doing much better . I finished pinning Lily and Emily 's dresses this afternoon . I am just waiting for them to come and try them on again so I can press them and then make the hems . I called and let them know it was done . Lily said probably on Saturday they will be here for the fitting . I said no problem ! I can finish the dresses Saturday or Sunday and they will be ready in time for the wedding . Mom 's problem has thrown a loop into my schedule , but that is okay , we still have time . Bob had his lesson today and Calli should be here any minute . After that I plan to go grocery shopping as we are out of a few things . It will be weird going to Walmart without Mom but I will at least be able to go as fast as I wantPosted by 8 more days ! I can 't wait . Almost a week away and Mom will be here , back where she belongs . I saw her for lunch and she was crying through most of it . The nurses assistant said it was a crying day for her . She cried through out breakfast too . She just wants to come home . She doesn 't understand why she is not home or with me . The nurse assistant also said she couldn 't understand why she was still so confused as the infection is getting better . I told her that the confusion isn 't going to get better because Mom has Alzheimer 's . She was surprised . She didn 't know that . Now , why wouldn 't the nurse assistants not know mom has Alzheimer 's ? Anyways , Mom 's throat is bothering her again today so I told the nurse I wanted her looked at . So tomorrow morning the doctor will look at Mom 's throat and ears . It may be just a cold coming on , or it could be dehydration as she drinks even less there than she does here , or at least from what I have seen . I can 't wait until she gets home , I just can 't wait . This has been so hard on the little Mom . I won 't do this again to her that is for sure . I will be working on the girls dresses after I finish up here . Emily and Lily need to have one more fitting before I cut and sew the hem of the dress . I will be pinning it in place this afternoon . Then I will message their dad and let him know so when the girls are available this week they can come for a fitting . Lily will need her shoes though . I want to make sure it is right . I should have done Emily 's 3 weeks ago when I first got the dress but I didn 't . I didn 't anticipate that Mom would become ill and not have time to do the dress . I won 't procrastinate like this again . I want to be finished pinning by dinner time . I have ordered the shoes I need for the wedding today . I meant to do that last month but I forgot . Sometimes my fibro fog is so annoying . I have known for months that I need new shoes , but I forget about it unless it is in the middle of the night or another time that is not convenient to order them . But I have them done now and thPosted by 9 more days until the little Mom comes home ! I saw her for dinner today . She is looking rather tired and she said her throat was hurting her . I hope that is not a sign of dehydration again . Poor thing doesn 't need another episode so soon after the first one . Although , if the doctor wants physical therapy for her again , they are doing it at home . She did say she doesn 't like not being with me . I told her it was only for a few more days and she calms down but she is a bit more confused that usual . I think it is because she is really not sure where she is and doesn 't understand where I am . She is probably in bed by now as she gets real tired about this time there . No afternoon nap like we have here at home for her . She doesn 't make much sense some of the time when I visit her right now . I am hoping that clears up when we are home . I just can 't wait until next weekend when she is discharged ! I just can 't wait . This week has gone by pretty quick which is a good thing and next week promises to be a bit busy too . Thank God for that ! I don 't like having too much time on my hands when I am waiting for something . I have almost finished all 6 books that I bought Tuesday or Wednesday . I will get more on Monday . I will be bringing some old ones that I don 't want anymore back for trade . It makes the books cheaper to buy . It has been a good day despite no mom here . I took a wee nap after Lily 's lesson today . We had Lily 's fitting for her today . I pinned her one strap and the top will be okay with the tighter strap , it straightens it out nicely . She should have her shoes this week . Speaking of shoes , I actually need to look at the catalog and order some because I don 't have any for the wedding . I don 't have any dress shoes and I don 't want to wear tennis shoes , they are so not appropriate for a wedding ( or any other place where dress shoes are expected ) I have very wide feet unfortunately so I have to order my shoes special . I will be looking on the website tonight and ordering them . I hate shopping for shoes , well , I actually haPosted by Mom is doing alright . She didn 't really cry to much when I was there this evening . She barely ate dinner though and passed up a snack at bedtime . Usually after dinner she falls asleep so they change her and put her into bed . I stayed for a couple of hours today . Mom was in better spirits so I think her infection must be clearing up . She is still a bit more confused than usual because of the infection , but that is normal for this situation . I am counting down the days until she comes home . I think I write that every night . Hmm , maybe I should stop doing that . I am getting calmer and calmer over this situation . I am sleeping a bit better now than I was last week . One more week , just one more week , that is what I keep telling myself . My pain level hasn 't come completely back to normal yet , but I figure by the end of the week it should . My head isn 't too bad , but it is more than the normal pain I have . My arm was a bit sore last night and this morning , but now it has calmed down . I haven 't cleared the table yet nor have I started Emily 's dress . I will be working on the dress this weekend . I need help getting the sewing machine out of the trunk and I am sure Ross will do it for me tomorrow . I will get all my tools out tomorrow after I swiffer the floor . I don 't want the floor dirty in case the dress accidentally reaches it . I don 't remember how full the dress it and I don 't want any dirt on it . I plan to do the dress in the afternoon before I go to help with Mom 's dinner . I 'd bring her a donut , but she didn 't eat the last two I brought her . Oh yeah , speaking of food , the are switching Mom to pureed food because at lunch she spit out all the food that wasn 't pureed . I guess she just couldn 't swallow it then . She ate her little carrots okay and the couple of bits of pizza but she scarfed down the mashed potatoes . She loves potatoes , just loves them . I may go to a movie on Sunday . Not really sure yet , but I might . I don 't have anything else to do on Sunday except perhaps a movie . I am going to see what Katie is up too thisPosted by I haven 't seen Mom today , I had a doctor appointment and I have a lesson so I won 't make any meals with her today . I did speak to the social worker . She called to give me an update on Mom . She is making progress with her physical and occupational therapy , so yeah ! to Mom on that one . She also checked into why Mom cries , apparently she cries when I am there . So now what do I do ? I can 't not visit her , but I make her cry when I do because when I am not there she doesn 't think about coming home anymore . She is used to there now . I won 't be able to see her today because of my schedule , however I am planning to see her for dinner tomorrow . I will also find out then how her infection is coming along . I know the doctor ordered more blood work yesterday about this issue . My blood pressure was a bit high at the doctors today . I explained why I was so stressed , she said to try and relax about that whole thing . Easier said than done that is for sure . Also , I gained the 2 pounds I had lost . Yuck on that . My weight is going in the wrong direction again . I will do something about that . I am counting down the days until Mom is here with me . I miss her . I am trying to enjoy my time away from her , but it is hard as I take care of her all day everyday . There are some things I don 't miss though , I will freely admit that . I don 't miss helping her with the bathroom and getting ready for the day or the night . That I don 't miss . I miss her during the daytime , you know , how she is during the day . That is what I miss . I don 't miss the work part of it at all . I did enjoy telling the nurse assistant that Mom had to go to the bathroom and I didn 't have to help with it ! It was a relief not to do that . But , still , I do miss her a lot . I am getting used to being on my own and today , to my relief , I found that I am not lonely . I was the last week and the first part of this week . I am enjoying being on my own today . So yeah ! for me ! I have a link to look at later today after my lesson about a dog . I haven 't decided that yet , I need to inspect ouPosted by So I found out part of the reason Mom is so teary - eyed . Her urinary tract infection is still really bad . They can 't seem to get it under control so that is making her emotions go a little wacky . I was glad to discover that because I was about to take her home because she was so miserable . Well , I can 't because she needs the medicine and the watchful eye of nurses 24 / 7 until this thing is cleared up . She cried a bit during lunch because she thought she was getting her shirt dirty with food . I quickly pointed out that she had an apron ( okay - a bib ) on and she didn 't get any food on that either . Then she said , Oh , okay and was fine . The nurse also said she isn 't eating much either because she just isn 't feeling well . She ate even less today that yesterday . I am now fine with where she is because I know if they don 't get it under control they will send her back to Beaumont for further medicines and doctors and such . I hope the tests they do today will be better and she some improvement . Poor thing , she doesn 't need this on top of everything else . She is doing fine during physical therapy , yes , they sometimes have to convince her to go . But she will go and then she is fine . She is very tired but I don 't think as tired as she was yesterday or the day before . She hasn 't also said that her eyes are sore which is a good sign that she is getting some sleep . I still miss her but seeing her everyday is a big help . I am starting to enjoy the peace and quiet around here . I still haven 't done everything I said I would do while she is gone , but there is still 12 days left to this . I have been reading a bit more , although I do read with Mom here . She reads her books and I read mine . It is nice quiet time for us . My friend , Heather , has suggested perhaps I look into getting a dog or a cat . It sounds like a pretty good idea . I will be thinking about that while Mom is temporarily away . It would be good company for both of us , especially when I am by myself . My only real concern right now is that our house isn 't exactly where I want Posted by Happy June everyone ! Mom is having a sad day today . Apparently she cried through her physical therapy session this morning . She worked out on the machines and did exercises this morning . I was glad to hear that . Made me feel much better than yesterday about my decision to place her temporarily . She has occupational therapy this evening . She ate pretty well for her at lunch . I encouraged her to feed herself and she did do it through most of it . I only fed her a bit when I knew she could fit a bit more in . She did pretty well by herself , so yes , she still has that skill ! Yeah ! She hasn 't forgotten how to eat . I got there before she was finished with therapy so I waited in the lounge for her . She gave me a big smile when she saw me . I knew then she was having a crying day . She has them here at home too , it is just part of the disease , a non - pleasant part , but a part of it . When Mom forgets something she thinks she should know she cries . I am used to it by now . Her anxiety medicine has helped with the tears too , she doesn 't cry as much as she used to . I messaged my cousin , Cathy , through face book yesterday and she gave me some suggestions on what to do . Since Mom had a full session of physical therapy today , I am happier with the nursing center . They are very nice there and the staff is caring , it just isn 't home to Mom . She didn 't ask to come home today so that is a step in the right direction . I let her know that in 12 days she was coming home and she smiled . I only stayed about an hour because after her big morning and lunch she was tired . I wanted her to get some sleep before her occupational therapy session this afternoon . I don 't know what type of things they do but it helps her and that is what counts . I went to the used bookstore after I left Mom , I got 6 new ( well , used ) books by my favorite authors . I donated about 17 boxes of books 2 summers ago and have been sad I did that ever since because now I have the time to read . I am not feeling really well today . My head and tummy aren 't happy campers , but I took Posted by I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis .

It was finally the first day of summer , officially . I couldn 't wait for the dang school bell to ring yesterday . Everyone in my Chemistry class must have been staring at the large black and white clock at the front of the classroom . As the second hand made its way to the twelve , I gently grabbed my bag off the floor and wrapped it around my shoulder . The halls were crowded as my peers ran around like maniacs . Papers were flying around in the air , like kids had just tossed them as they exited the halls . It was funny how on the last day of school the halls became empty within seconds . I however , lingered through them , knowing I wouldn 't be returning . I had doubled up on classes and spent the last two summers enrolled with the misfit kids who couldn 't pass during the normal school year , just to be able to graduate a year earlier . My birthday was late in the year causing me to have to be a year behind all of my friends . It wasn 't that I loved school , because I hated it , in fact all I wanted was to never have a homework assignment again . What pushed me to the decision was my parents . They used to have such a great relationship , but two years ago my father decided to start banging his secretary . Shortly after , he decided that even she wasn 't enough for him . Now the bastard was entertaining the notion of remarrying again . The woman was just five years older than me , and to make matters worse , he didn 't see that there was anything wrong with his actions . When my parents first separated , my father moved all the way to Pennsylvania , to start over . He left my mother with a steep mortgage she couldn 't afford and eventually we had to move in with my grandparents . According to my mother , which was usually not a good source of information , he hadn 't even paid child support for nearly a year now . My dad had worked in Real Estate and always seemed to move somewhere new when the market went dry . To my astonishment he called me last month to inform me that he and Buffy , were moving back to Virginia . I never realized how much I missed having my father around until he called to say he was moving home . My mother wasn 't thrilled , but even through her animosity toward him , she seemed happy he wanted to make another go at having a relationship with me . All of my friends had dads that did everything with them , while I was the girl whose dad abandoned her for women close to her own age . I looked around my room and wondered what I would wear to go see my father after nearly a year of him being absent in my life . Would he care what I wore ? Did I need to make a good impression around his new girl - toy ? I was overwhelmed with anxiety over this morning 's brunch with him . Finally , after a few hours , and an empty closet , I decided on a light blue sun dress . It made my olive skin pop and my blue eyes shine . I was going to curl my entire head , but noticed the clock and settled to throw my light brown hair up in a subtle pony tail with a blue bow that matched my dress . I had to smile when I took one final look in the mirror . For someone that had a diploma , I 'd managed to make myself look about twelve years old . My mother reluctantly handed me the directions to my father 's new house . She gave me a million eye rolls before kissing me goodbye . I could tell she hated the idea of him being happy , and I had to admit I hated it too . When I pulled into the community I noticed how large the houses had gotten . Long private driveways separated every yard . I took a double take when I looked at the address my mother had written down . When I saw the matching numbers on a stone pillar leading down a matching stone driveway I figured it had to be wrong . My little Volkswagen Jetta putted its way down the driveway until I came to a stop behind a Land Rover SUV . The house had a stone front and ivy was growing up either of its sides . The windows and doors were trimmed in large white wood with black shutters . I stepped out of the car and made sure the wind wasn 't blowing my dress up above my ass , before making my way toward the door . It unexpectantly flew open and a young girl who resembled a plastic Barbie doll came walking toward me . She was wearing a form fitting dress that could have been made from only spandex . It was bright pink with giant yellow flowers scattered over it . Her platinum blonde hair was curled as if she were going to model in the next issue of playboy , in fact , she kinda looked like Kendra , one of the ex - playmate girlfriends of Hugh Hefner himself . " Ohhh yay ! I 'm so glad you 're here . " The Barbie doll squeaked . " Come here , let me get a good look at you . " I stood like a statue while this large breasted bimbo tugged and pinched every part of me that I had assumed was a private place . When I finally thought she was finished , I started to move forward . That is when she reached over and grabbed both of my breasts . " Oh sweetie you should know I am just joking . Come on in . Your father is going to be so happy you are finally here . He has been talking about you non - stop . " Before I could say yes , or even Hell no , she grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the house . She never let go of my arm as she pulled me through the large foyer and into a family room . My father was sitting in a leather recliner watching a golf match on television . He never even turned in our direction , even with the volume level of his Barbie up higher than my radio played . " Baby , look who I found outside . " She said as she let go of me and bounced herself onto his lap . Before he could even turn in my direction , she was slapping him with a kiss that may or may not of contained her entire tongue . " Well look at my little girl , all grown up . " He took my hands into his and gave me a once over . " You look very pretty honey . It has been so long . " He leaned over to kiss me on the forehead . " I see you have met Buffy already ? Isn 't she is keeper ? " He said while gazing back at her . " Why don 't you come on in and make yourself at home . We haven 't had time to furnish the whole house yet , but the kitchen is stocked and Buffy has made a nice spread for us to munch on . " He announced . Buffy grabbed my arm and pulled me through the house again . She took me upstairs and showed me the four large bedrooms , which each housed their own bathroom . Two of the upstairs bedrooms looked out into the backyard . I saw the pool and fell in love instantly with it , before Buffy pulled me along to show off more of she and my father 's house . When we finally had made it down to the kitchen , the food was ready to eat . " We have to take a break from the tour for a bit so we can eat before all of this food gets cold . Do you like fresh tea ? " She asked . " Great . Here , you sit yourself down over there and we will join you . " Buffy pointed in the direction of the morning room . It faced the pool , which I couldn 't take my eyes off of . My grandparent 's house was small , to say the least . They never expected to have my mom and I move in when my mom lost the house . A small den had been converted into a bedroom for me , but it didn 't even have a real closet . I had to use one we bought at a store that took up half the room . Brunch tasted fantastic , but my father barely spoke . He left the conversation up to his new squeeze . She tried to talk to me about fashion , music and finally television , claiming her favorite show was that horrible show on MTV called Teen Mom . She made a point to mention how young my mother had been when she got pregnant with me . I thought I was going to choke on a piece of French toast as she confessed to that . My father seemed mesmerized with everything that came out of her mouth . " So tell me Hope , what is there to do is this town . Your father and I need to get out there and meet some people . We have this big house and nobody to entertain . " Buffy stated . I cleared my throat and looked directly at my father , hoping in some way he could read my mind and snap out of whatever spell he was in . " Do you know of any bars or clubs that Buff and I could go dancing ? " He asked . " I don 't really know of any clubs or bars Dad . They really aren 't my thing , and besides I am only seventeen . I am not even allowed to enter into any of those type of establishments until I am twenty one . " I confessed . I caught my father watching Buffy as she leaned over to clear his plate from the table . The bile began to surface in my mouth and I needed some air . " Do you mind if I check out the back yard ? " I asked . The pool yard was landscaped with tall grasses and lots of unique rocks . Several lounge chairs sat around the pool , and the entire vicinity was privacy fenced in . Attached to the far end of the pool was a building . Since my father had given me the go - ahead to look around , I took it upon myself to venture inside . Assuming that it was just a pool house , I barged in the door . It was hard for me to believe that in the last year I had ruined my life and possibly my future . My full ride to Penn State University had been revoked . If my mother were still alive she would be kicking my ass , still after six months . What happened was a horrible tragedy and the dean of schools did what he had to do . In one night I had managed to destroy everything I had worked so hard for . Now I lived with my sister , in a pool house in her back yard at that . We were always close and she never questioned me when I had confessed what happened that night . I couldn 't lie about something like that , but making someone believe me wasn 't that easy . Not when it was on every television station and in every newspaper . I hadn 't held a hammer since high school , but thankfully it ended up being like riding a bike . After a few days work , I got the hang of things . Plus working by myself gave me a lot of time to think about the mistakes I had made to get me to this very predicament I was in . My friends had all but disowned me , insisting that they couldn 't be friends with someone like me . Someone that could do such heinous things and get away with it for so long . It hurt so much . In the long run , I guess they were never really my friends . If they were , then they would have known I wasn 't capable of those things . Even my girlfriend , who I had dated since my freshman year at college dumped me , claiming the pressure of being involved with me was too much and yada yada . The truth was that her parents forbid her from having anything to do with me . They had the nerve to call me a street thug , and a common criminal on several attempts I had made to contact her at their place of residence . She had finally written me a letter asking me to never contact her again , or they would be forced to get a restraining order against me . Her father had warned about the same plan that day as well . For the first few months after the trial , I secluded myself in my sister 's apartment . It was over top of the bar that she danced at , so after work she would bring bottles of liquor to bury the pain with . It was the only real time I was able to sleep while still living in Pennsylvania . After she met Mark Ryan things changed . She stopped working at the bar , and soon spent all of her time with him . Within six months they were shacked up and planning on the big move to Virginia . Because of them , I was given a fresh start here in a new state . Eventually , maybe I could make new friends and have a future that my mother would have been proud of , instead of the one that had put her in an early grave . For the past two weeks I had been working on the inside of the house . It had been vacant for almost a year and Mr . Ryan got it as a foreclosure . He said it was a steal , but I just took his word for it . Anything over five grand was too expensive for me . I had blown my mother 's entire life insurance on lawyers , trying to keep myself out of jail . I hated that . The fact that my mother had worked so hard for us to be independent and successful and never hurt for anything , made me feel like such a failure . But , I was trying to make things work . I got the most important rooms in a livable shape , and even got the cabinets installed in the kitchen before the granite countertops were delivered . There was still so much to do , but I didn 't have a deadline , which was good since most of what I was doing was foreign to me . I found myself looking up how - to sites before I started a new project . It was a good thing that the internet had evolved into a place where you could learn how to do anything . I had planned on fixing some shingles that were missing on the roof today , but my sister and Mr . Ryan asked me to take the day off . They claimed that they had someone " very special " coming over and that they didn 't want to be disturbed with the sound of the hammer slamming against the roof . It was fine . I never really relaxed on the weekends . Sitting in the small pool house just made me think of what my life could have been . On most nights I would drink myself to a drunken stupor and eventually pass out . My sister feared that one night I was going to get so drunk I would fall in the pool and die . Even though I had the day off , I still woke up at the crack of dawn . I weeded the front garden next to the driveway and painted the mailbox . While I had the can of paint out , I decided to touch up the white parts of the fence around the pool . The sun was hot , even early this morning , and I found myself sweating profusely as I finished touching up the fence . I sat myself down on a lounge chair and soaked up the rays , telling myself it was too early to crack open a beer . I had to wait until twelve at least that is what everyone says . When I felt like my balls were literally sticking to the side of my legs , I decided to grab a pair of swimming trunks and jump in the pool . Even if the company was already here , I wouldn 't be bothering them . I avoided jumping in and causing big splash sounds . Instead , I just floated around the pool for a while in pure silence . When my hands started to prune up , I climbed out of the pool . Realizing all of the towels were in the pool house , or main house , I hurried to get inside . The morning breeze was still cool , even with the sun shining down . I made it into the pool shed within seconds and immediately started to strip out of my wet bathing suit . " What the Hell ? Who are you and what are you doing in here ? " I yelled while trying to cover myself in the front , but it was obvious she had already seen everything I had . She threw her hands over her face . " Oh my God , I am so sorry ! I didn 't know somebody was in here . My father said I could look whenever I wanted . Seriously I had no idea . " She turned her entire body around even though her hands were already covering her face . I grabbed a dry pair of boxers off the couch and slipped them on . " You can turn around now , I 'm decent . " " And why are you in my father 's pool house ? Does he know you are in here or do I need to call the cops ? " She threatened . The last thing I needed was trouble with the law my first month here . " No , no ! I am Buffy 's brother . I am doing work for Mr . Ryan . I didn 't know he had a daughter . " I was ready to tell her to get out , but there was something about her that made me feel sorry for her . " Why don 't you come sit down for a minute . I 'm sure after seeing my bare ass you could use a drink . So what will it be ? " I gave her a half smile and headed to the tiny kitchen area . I was pretty sure that the people who lived here before rented out this pool house . It had one bedroom , a kitchen , a small bathroom and a living room , but it was perfect for me . It wasn 't like I entertained , or even had friends at all . " My name is Hope , Hope Ryan . " She said as she took the bottle of water . " Thanks for this . I didn 't know if I could handle the bourbon after the breakfast I just had . " " No offense , but your sister isn 't much older than me . I guess I just wasn 't prepared ya know ? " She said as she opened the bottle of water and drank half of it down . I had managed to pour myself half a glass of bourbon and had already taken two sips . The ice clattered in the bottom of the glass , and I swiveled it around with my hand . " Nah , it 's cool . My sister can be hard to understand at first . She has a good heart though . " " Didn 't anyone ever tell you it wasn 't nice to start something and not finish it . " She looked up at me . Her eyes were like crystals and they glowed against her dark complexion . Summer had just started , but she was already tan . Her hair had streaks of different browns , but it didn 't look like it came from a box , it appeared to be natural highlights . She was strikingly beautiful . I wanted to defend my sister , but something about this girl made me feel like she was just trying to break the ice . I hadn 't had a friend in so long that I couldn 't be an asshole ; I needed this . " I never noticed . She likes lots of colors . So , what colors do you like ? " I was halfway into a large gulp of bourbon when the word " tits " came out of her pretty little mouth . The liquor went flying everywhere . Once I stopped gagging from the utter shock , I turned back to face her . She had stood up from the couch and had her hands on her hips . " Look , I am really sorry that I barged in on you getting changed . Had I been told that someone was living out here I never would have bothered you . It was nice meeting you Chance . Have a nice life . " She said as she walked out of the pool house . After I had come barging back into the main house from my unexpected meeting with Chance , all I wanted to do was go home . My father was back in his recliner watching golf again , while Buffy filed her nails with her feet draped over the end of the couch . I had to laugh at that . My father and mother used to yell at me over and over for sitting like that on a couch . How could he have changed so much ? And why hadn 't he come looking for me after brunch was cleaned up ? My father turned and gave me a smile , while Buffy came racing over , planting a big hug on me . I patted her a few times on the back and pulled out of her embrace . " Thanks for brunch . It was nice meeting you . " As soon as I made it out of the driveway I began to cry . I couldn 't have held back the tears even if I wanted to . At one point I had to pull over to the side of the road , because I couldn 't see through the tears that had filled my eyes . I couldn 't understand why he had even moved back here . Was I just dreaming or had that really been the catastrophe that I saw it as ? While I sat on the side of the road I felt my stomach knotting up . In just enough time , I managed to unbuckle my seat belt , get out and run to the side of the road , where I vomited all of the food I had eaten . I leaned against my car , trying to gain some composure and make sure I was completely finished vomiting . All of the time I had wished I had my father back into my life , and when I got him it was nothing like I pictured it would be . I wanted to crawl into a hole and die . There was no way I could drive home like this and explain what happened to my mother . She hated the guy . She would go out and buy a gun and then later be on the news for murdering him . I had to get myself calmed down first . It was my only option . While still trying to feel better , I noticed a truck pulling to the side of the road . A male driver got out and began to approach me . I always carried pepper spray on my key ring , but it was still stuck in the ignition of the car . My heart started to beat faster and I could feel myself beginning to panic . I wasn 't on a heavy driven road , in fact while I was puking there had been no cars that passed going in either direction . The man 's voice startled me , signaling he had approached me at a faster rate than I expected . " Are you okay miss ? Do you need some help ? " He wore a baseball cap that covered his face , but I noticed the long scar across his cheek . I 'm not usually one to stereotype , but he gave me the creeps like he was straight out of a horror movie . He got about a foot away from me and reached for my arm . " Did you hear me miss ? I can take you wherever you want to go . Why don 't you come get in my truck ? " He suggested . The man had managed to pull me about four feet away from my car before a motorcycle came driving down the road toward us . At first I feared they would keep going , but the driver skidded in between our cars and immediately got his bike into a sitting position . The strange man had released his hold on me as the next person approached . The man backed away from him , assuming he must have known me . When the creepy man finally pulled away I realized I was on the side of the road alone with yet another stranger . I finally came to my senses and began to make a dash for my car , until he grabbed the back of my dress and pulled me close to him . I couldn 't see his face , and after losing all of the fluids in my body , I found myself lightheaded from the fear and anxiety . Then I felt myself fall . After my encounter with Mr . Ryan 's daughter , I needed a pack of cigarettes . I decided to hop on my bike and head to the nearest convenience store . When I got about three miles from the house I spotted two vehicles pulled over on the side of the road , and one of the cars happened to be the same one that had been in my driveway just a half hour ago . As I got closer I noticed that a man had his hands on her and I didn 't even think . My bike came to a halt and I immediately approached Hope and the stranger . When the stranger left without incident I knew I had come at just the right moment . He was probably wanted for some type of crime and didn 't want to get involved with the police . I knew how that felt . When Hope collapsed in my arms I thought about taking her back to her father 's , but when I carried her to the passenger side of the car , I noticed the vomit in the grass . When she darted out of the pool house I assumed she was frustrated and upset , but seeing that she was sick to her stomach confirmed she was having a difficult time with things . I managed to get her reclined in the passenger seat and decided to wait it out in the driver 's seat . There was no way I was leaving her here all alone on this strip of the highway , and I wasn 't about to leave my bike either . It was the only thing I had in my name . I found a good station on the radio and turned the air on to blow on Hope 's skin . I couldn 't believe I had gotten myself into this situation . My head found a semi comfortable position on the steering wheel as I stared at the girl beside me . Her arms were covered in goose bumps from the cool air , and her hair was blowing in small strands across her face . Her breathing had calmed and her cleavage protruded from the low cut sundress . I hadn 't been this close to another girl other than my sister in a very long time , and it made me feel uncomfortable . I was an adult and I had no idea how old this girl was sitting next to me . I assumed she was close to my sister 's age , but the bow in her hair made her look like a teenager . The last thing I needed was for someone to get the wrong idea about why we were in this car alone on the side of the road . She woke up and began screaming , not realizing where she was or what was going on . I held my hands up and placed them on the ceiling of the car . " Whoa , wait a minute . You were approached by a stranger and I stopped and got him to leave . I swear Hope . " " You passed out in my arms . All I did was carry you to the car . I couldn 't leave you alone so I stayed to make sure you were alright . " I explained . It felt like she kicked me in the balls . I didn 't want to be accused of hurting another person again . I put my head down and frowned . " I promise you that I would never do that . If you are okay , I think it would be best if I got going . " " If you hadn 't come , I don 't know what would have happened today . You may have saved my life . " She said while still holding on to my arm . I grabbed her fingers and removed her hold on me . " I don 't know about saving lives , but I am glad you 're safe Hope . I guess maybe I will see you around . " I said as I climbed out of the car and grabbed my helmet . When I climbed onto my bike and fastened my helmet I noticed Hope climbing over the seat to get to the driver 's side . She started her car and readjusted her mirror . I saw her looking at me , but chose to ignore it . Maybe it was just a coincidence , or perhaps she was just thankful for me being there at the right time . It would have been a shame if something happened to her on her way home from such a bad morning already . Funny thing is that it was only supposed to be one . Anyway , people start commenting on their own selections and I notice a post about someone named Kellan Kyle . … . Then more people had the same answer . I became intrigued . Of course the best thing to do on facebook is to just ask , especially on public book group pages . Immediately , I started getting reactions about the book Thoughtless . Kiera and Denny are a sweet young couple who decide to move across the country for multiple reasons . Denny is from Australia and knows of a friend that has a room they can rent in his own house . They literally drive across country and move to this city . While Kiera is enrolling in a new college , Denny is looking forward to his future and his career . Kellan ( the rockstar roommate ) is by far the most attractive guy to walk the earth , lol . Anyway , they become quick friends while spending time together while Denny works on his career . Denny ends up getting a job opportunity for several weeks out of town and Kiera is left in a new town , with no real friends by Kellan . Then the calls from Denny become non existent and short , and when he finally does call he tells her he was offered a position of a lifetime in another state . Kiera is devastated . She has just picked up and left her family and the only family she has ever know to start a life here with Denny and now he is taking a job somewhere else . After over a month of waiting for him to come home she decided rather hastily that they are done . She is distraught , to say the least , and naturally turns to her new best friend for emotionally support . Things become waaaay more than that , and a heated affair begins . They try to stop , on several occasions , but are unsuccessful . Their passion ignites and when Denny comes home things become even more complicated . When she wakes in the hospital she finds both Kellan and Denny there . Kellan is beat to hell , while Denny sits at her side . Kellan leaves the room as Denny explains that they are through . Kiera takes it hard and when things couldn 't get any worse Kellan comes in a tells her he can 't handle being second any longer . He wanted all or nothing and because she couldn 't choose , he was taking himself out of the equation as well . Kiera finally recovers and her sister moves across the country to be with her , and move her into an apartment they will share together . Denny takes a job in Australia and prepares to leave the country for good . He visits Kiera and tries to remain a caring friend during the transition . Kiera doesn 't see Kellan again until she takes Denny to the airport to say her goodbyes . He is there to see his old friend / new rival off , and apologize for taking his girl . They exchange a heartfelt goodbye , and he and Kiera are left alone in the airport . Kiera thinks there is hope , but Kellan leaves again and keeps his distance . Finally time goes by . She keeps a friendship with Denny , but thinks of Kellan every waking minute . One night her sister insists that they go out to the bar that Kellan performs at . She hears him singing a song that is meant only for her , but he doesn 't even know she is there . When he sees her they have a heartfelt conversation and once again confess their feelings for one another . A very good friend of mine has started a new fan page for Young Adult Novels . Since she is one of my biggest fans , I decided to share the information . Now she has made me a moderator .

A huge thank you to those that did kind things in Cameron 's name . . . you 'll never know how much it means to me . I loved that Cameron 's stocking was full to the brim of cards and notes , to the point where it was hard to stuff some things in it . I know Cameron appreciated it , as did I . Things like that show me who is really there for me and who really cares a lot . So , thank you to my parents , my brothers , Yolanda , Breanna , Adrienne , Aunt Mary , Stephanie , Uncle Robert , Elissa , and Elva . It was absolutely beautiful reading how others were made happy in my baby 's name . Christmas wasn 't as sad as I thought it 'd be . But I think it helped because some of my family came over , like my cousin and her daughter , Chelsey . Otherwise , I think it would have been depressing . We hadn 't had a family celebration in several years . . . . but they knew I needed it now and I was able to open the gifts of kindness for Cameron . . . everyone was supportive and Cameron was not forgotten at my parents house at all . It was something I really enjoyed that I hope we continue to keep doing . These last two days have been a little sad for me . . . but a different kind of sadness . I felt it yesterday at work . . . and then I went to lunch and considering just going home from there because I just felt a heaviness within me . It 's a different kind of sadness because I 'm not outwardly crying a ton like I had previously been . Although I did shed a tear or two at work yesterday . Luckily , my coworkers understand . I have been trying to find another position within my company and interviewed last week , but I feel that my attendance will be an issue and not allow me to get the position . I just feel I need a change . . . I like my job now and love my boss here , but I think that because everything happened in this same unit with the same people and everything , that makes it more difficult for me . I need a complete change to kind of start over . . . But I woke up today and took a shower getting ready for work and I still feel sad . I 'm not crying though , but I feel like I can 't smPosted by ceremony she told me about at the funeral home . I was hoping she didn 't forget . She provided me so much comfort at that time … she was the first person I had met , in person , that had gone through what I did . I had been waiting for the invitation in the mail and when I saw it , I was so excited for the opportunity to go . I knew I wanted to get her something too and I was hoping to get her something with her daughter , Erika 's , name on it . I got the invitation too late to custom make anything , but I was able to find a beautiful cross at a Christian store that had a glass that resembled a tear in the middle of it . I don 't remember what the cross had exactly inscribed on it , but it was perfect . It said something like , " A thousand tears remind me that you 're still here . " Something like that . Eric and I were rushing to get there on time … I wish I hadn 't rushed . When I finally got there , I felt like I wasn 't able to fully appreciate what was going on because I was so jumbled . But we walked in and the first person I saw was her . She smiled and said , " Candice ! I was hoping you 'd remember . I did . " She hugged me . Of course I remembered . I remembered how much her daughter still meant to her after 31 years . How she still visits her resting place . How she had tears in her eyes from thinking of her daughter . How I felt knowing that Cameron will still be my son and still be my baby 31 years from now . I handed her the bag with her gift in it , along with one of Cameron 's bookmarks . She said I didn 't have to , but I responded with I wanted to . She led me to the paper angels they had where we could write our message to Cameron and hang Everyone in the room gathered around the tree and said a prayer and some hymns . Eric pointed out a red ornament that had Cameron 's name written on it in permanent marker . How nice , I thought … how sweet . My mom tapped me from behind and Gosh … how did it come to this ? How are we here praying for my baby , but he 's not here ? How could he be gone from me ? It makes me happy seeing how my parents write Grandma or Grandpa … yes , he was your grandchild . And this is not how we should be loving him … we should be treasuring him in person … we should be hearing him cry and all holding him and staring at him . Not memorializing him . I looked at the other ornaments on the tree … many were for mom 's and dad 's and grandma 's and grandpa 's . And then there was Cameron 's … a baby . And Erika 's … a baby . Those did not fit in there with the grandma 's and grandpa 's . They were just babies . They had a life to live . They had parents that loved them and wanted them and cry for them and hurt for them . But Cameron has a lot of love . He would have been the most treasured baby in the world . I really hope I can see him one day . I miss him more than words can express … my heart is always hurting . Heal ? Not possible . Michelle Dugger lost her baby … she was about the same length I was . She named her daughter Jubilee . They kept calling it a miscarriage and it wasn 't . I looked at the comments on some news website , just to see if some people corrected have a right to take pictures of their daughter . That is the only way they will be able to see her again . So , shame on people that judge someone that has gone through probably the most traumatic experience of their life … And shame on TMZ for posting them felt terrible for her . Yes , she has 19 kids , but that is still her child and one they were looking forward to and celebrating . She now has I find the one thing that I crave all the time is for people to acknowledge Cameron . Acknowledge he was my baby , I 'm a mom , and he is loved . He will always be a part of my family and I want to shout that from the rooftop to everyone ! He 's my first born That lyric from I Will Carry You stands out to me so much , along with so many other lyrics in that song . It was such a short time . . . I had five months , one week , and four days that I had with my angel , Cameron . Yet , it 's such a long road ahead . The road doesn 't seem to be getting easier either . It 's a rocky road . . . that seemed to be manageable a few weeks ago , but now it 's gotten to the jagged parts . I went to work yesterday , but it was hard . I found myself crying several times at my desk and trying to keep it discreet . I have the most amazing manager though . . . and I feel very lucky to be working in this unit at this company . I don 't know if I would have had this support anywhere else . . . well , I know I wouldn 't have had this at Travelers . Although I loved that company , I know there would be no understanding there . I woke up this morning , yearning to go to work since I hate missing , but I couldn 't . I just kept replaying all the events that happened up until September 1 , 2011 . . . how I was paranoid the whole pregnancy . Before every doctor visit , I was always nervous they wouldn 't hear a heartbeat , although I had no reason to be . But I was . And Eric would always reassure me that there would be one . . . and there was August 29th , but it wasn 't a strong heartbeat . And on August 31st , there was none . I remembered how I read tons of pregnancy books and all those books reassured me my fears of something happening were just that . . . fears . That after 12 weeks , I was pretty much in the safe zone and less than 1 % of pregnancies turn out badly . . . and it somewhat worked . . . I was reassured , but I still didn 't feel right . I kept worrying I wouldn 't hear that heartbeat on my next visit . And who knew I 'd be part of that 1 % ? I think it 's a lot more than 1 % now that I 'm part of this awful elite groups of moms . There are too many out there . Then those dreams of my baby being a puppy . . . people said all pregnant women have those dreams , but these were more . . . more than I realized at that moment . One dream I actually asked the doctor why they couldn 't tell something was wrong from the ultrasound . Was my baby trying to tell me something ? Eric even said that I was talking in my sleep at the hospital asking where my puppy was . . . where my baby was . There 's been coincidences today . . . I stayed home and cried and slept . . . when I awoke , I was sending Eric and e - mail from my phone . I was writing him , " I feel very depressed today . " But the auto - text changed my words , as it always does . . . but it changed the word ' today ' to ' firstborn . ' I was shocked when I saw that . I left it there and entered down to tell Eric what I was trying to say . . . but wow . Maybe that was Cameron telling me he was there with me right now . . . he is my firstborn . I called my Aunt Elva and she told me she had a dream that my grandpa , her dad , was sitting in a huge upholstered chair with something on his lap . She realized it was a baby and asked him what he was holding . She said he just had a huge grin on his face and she realized it was Cameron ! Cameron 's hair was all tussled , but she said she felt peace after that . She said she also remembered that he used to shop for upholstery at a shop called Cameron 's something . . . and still has a receipt from there with his signature ! Wow ! The counselor recommended me getting on antidepressants , but I don 't know if that is the right solution . Would that just be delaying the pain for later to come ? I don 't want to numb myself . . . I lost my baby and that is very real . For now , Cameron , keep showing me signs . . . I know you are . I know that when you turned that word to firstborn , that was you showing me you were with me . I know that when Priscilla touched your pendant on my neck , that was her acknowledging you were here . I want to see you in my dreams . . . I want to hold you again and hug you and kiss you . I 'm eagerly waiting for that time that I can see you . I love you . I sit here on the bed , my second call - in of the week to work . I didn 't want to call in . . . I hadn 't planned on calling in the last two days , but these feelings of despair have seemed to slowly creep up on me as if I had just lost Cameron all over again . Why ? I felt this pain already . . . I know what it feels like to have no hope and no desire for life , so why make me feel like this again ? I felt like I was having more good days than bad days . I would still think of Cameron every minute of every day and wish for him to be here , but I was able to handle the grief that came . I woke up yesterday and felt heaviness in my heart . I looked at his urn that I keep on my dresser while I sleep and held my arms as if I was holding him , wishing to remember how that felt , how he felt . I stayed home yesterday and cried a lot , aching for my baby . I can usually talk about him freely now , without crying . But yesterday , Eric 's mom came over and the tears just came as we talked about him . As they did this last Saturday also . . . I mentioned him to a stranger and without even realizing it , tears just flowed . I started reading this book called , I Will Carry You by Angie Smith . This mom was told at about 18 weeks that her daughter Audrey would not live , but she chose to carry her in hopes God would heal her . Her diagnosis changed throughout the pregnancy , showing her God at work , and she was able to have a C - section and spent a few hours with Audrey . Audrey still did not survive , but out of that came this amazing book and even more amazing song . I truly recommend it . I so wish I knew about this song earlier . I want to thank Angie so much for writing this and helping create this song . No one can understand what we go through as moms that lost their babies , except those that have already gone through it . So many things struck me by this book . . . how she had a perfectly good pregnancy , just like me , but always felt something was wrong . . . just something was off , even though everything was happening as it should be . I felt that . . . but I just thought it was me worrying . . . she says that maybe God was trying to prepare her for what was to come . It was shock when she was told something was wrong since the pregnancy was great . . . as it was with me . I decided I want to get into counseling to help other mom 's that have gone through this . I found it so difficult to find a counselor that specialized in grief like this . . . and the two I found in San Antonio were booked completely . My mom mentioned to me that maybe this is the overall picture . . . maybe I was chosen to help others because God knew I could . I felt like this about this author , Angie Smith . And I think she mentioned in the book too . . . but what a thing to be chosen for . This is something that I did not want to be chosen for . I feel in such despair right now . . . I feel like it just happened . And I feel like I 'm so cynical now . . . I see people pregnant and the first thing I think in my mind is , " Good luck . . . " Or if they 're already planning things and about five or six months , or really any month , I 'm already thinking in my mind , " Oh , they don 't even know what can happen . . . they think they 're safe . " Gosh . . . why ? ? I don 't know why I 'm feeling so bad these last couple of days . . . maybe because of the holidays ? Maybe because Cameron was supposed to be here in about a month ? I should 've been prepping for him and been huge and been feeling him kick . Instead I 'm staring at his urn , wishing things could change , but knowing they can 't . As everyone knows , Eric and I lost our baby boy Cameron on September 1 , 2011 . His original due date was January 8th , 2012 , but he came four months early , without a breath . I knew these upcoming holidays were going to be hard on me because I would be without Cameron in my tummy or in life . This would have been Cameron 's first Christmas … and our first Christmas to celebrate a brand new baby in our immediate family . Eric and my first baby . I still want to be able to honor him and do something for him . Although I can 't shower him with gifts in the physical world , I know he is watching down on us and I want him to know that all of us our thinking of him . So , I am asking all my friends and family to please give Cameron a Christmas gift of kindness . In memory of him , try to do a random act of kindness to someone . And when you do , please write down what you did and send it to me by e - mail or mail or however you 'd like . Without reading them , I 'll print them all out and put them in his stocking and open them on Christmas day . This way Cameron could have a Christmas gift , as well . I 'd like to spread the heart of Cameron around and do good deeds in his name . I want to make other people happy in his name . So , please join us in spreading some cheer around in Cameron 's memory . I still think about him every single minute of ever single day and can 't imagine that changing . . . he is my little boy . It doesn 't have to be a huge random thing , any small spread of joy will make a huge difference . You never realize how much a small act of kindness can bring a smile to someone 's face when it may only take a second of your time . And to have a purpose behind it , which is Cameron , will mean the world to us . I 've attached some ideas just to get the wheels turning . I look forward to stuffing Cameron 's stocking with all your good deeds ! Love , I never thought I would have been in this situation when I found out I was pregnant in May . I never thought I 'd be here , December 1 , 2012 , without my baby here physically . I would have only had about a month left . . . but instead , three months ago he was born . He was born without a breath . . . Thanksgiving was odd this year . . . I kept wondering , what should I be thankful for ? How could I be thankful for anything when my baby was gone ? But I was thankful that I at least got to hold him and see how beautiful he was . I got to touch his tiny hands and feet , and got to have a plaque to memorialize them . I 'm thankful for my family . . . for helping me and being there for me whenever I needed them . For coming by almost every night when everything first happened . . . it was hard for Eric and I to be alone . We shouldn 't have been alone , we should have had a crying baby with us . There are so many things that have happened " coincidentally . " I 'm thankful that I chose to go to that 3D place to get his picture . . . that they didn 't get a good picture so I had to go two weeks later , which put a red flag something was wrong . Had I had a good picture the first time , I would have never gone back for the rescan and there would have been no indication anything was wrong . And I would have waited till my next doctors appointment September 2nd , and by then his heart had stopped . So , I 'm so thankful that I went August 27th , because that prompted my emergency visit August 29th where I was able to see my baby alive for the very last time . August 30th his heart stopped and September 1st , he was born . All so fast and so sudden . I never expected my life to change so drastically and so fast . We booked our wedding venue today at the Crowne Plaza downtown . . . we planned to sign at the Doubletree two nights ago , but because of a contract change we did not sign there . But because of that , we found the most beautiful venue and were able to sign for the venue exactly three months after Cameron was born , almost about the same time he was born . . . 6 : 13 PM . On the way to the venue today also , my dad and I passed a street named Cameron , only about two blocks away . My baby is happy to see his parents marry . And I hope he is watching down smiling and making all these " coincidences " happen . Also , for the first time since the first 3D ultrasound , I saw his DVD . . . this was the first time I felt I could watch it . I cried and cried . . . I want him here with me . I want to hold him and kiss him . And I just really hope that he can see me . I know people always say that he 's with me , but I really hope that is true . I hope he knows that I think about him every single day . . . every single minute . And I miss him more than anything in the world . . . and I 'd give anything to have him back with me . I love you , Cameron . This used to be to me . I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving and Christmas . I love the food and family of Thanksgiving and I LOVE picking out the perfect gift and wrapping and seeing someones reaction . I love the decorating of the tree and hanging on the stockings and the warm feeling that the whole season brings . And this year , I was especially looking forward to it because I was pregnant ! I was due on January 8th , but I had a feeling I would be having him around Christmas , or even hoping New Year 's Eve since that was my grandma 's birthday . I thought I would be huge by now and I would be getting baby gifts and prepping for my baby 's arrival . Instead , I 'm home from work right now because I keep thinking of holding my one pound , lifeless baby in my arms and coming home from the hospital refusing to get out of the car , crying , because I wasn 't supposed to come home without him . It wasn 't right . It still isn 't right . Eric has two nephews and a new baby niece . . . I 'm wondering if I 'll have to go to Christmas with them and see all the little boys open their gifts and see the baby dressed up in her Christmas outfit . While I 'm without my precious baby . I just can 't imagine being in my situation right now . This year , Christmas was supposed to be a wonderful time for me this year ! I should have been anticipating the birth of my angel , but instead , I 'm mourning the loss of him . My manager at work is also expecting a baby soon . . . his wife and I were almost about the same timeline . He 's been wonderful though . Somehow , he understands what I 'm going through and told me that he will work with me for whatever time I needed off and if I just didn 't feel like coming in one day , like I just couldn 't do it , it was okay . I was thankful to have someone like that , but was hoping to never take one of those " sad " days since I had taken off so much already . That was up until today . Today , I felt like I woke up okay and then as I was walking out the door , I just started feeling terrible . I just kept thinking of my poor baby . . . and how he wasn 't hePosted by Eric 's asked me to marry him . He 's asked me before , but I had always said no . . . I didn 't want to marry while I was pregnant . But going through a tragedy makes me reevaluate a lot of things . And I realized how great of a partner Eric really is . I actually think I am lucky to have had a partner like Eric to go through this with . . . he 's been an awesome partner through this and has been extremely supportive . So , I 've said yes . The ring is beautiful , sort of antique looking . And it has a matching band . We went out to eat at his local Italian restaurant named Little Italy to celebrate and I had told Eric that I hoped that Cameron was watching us and was happy to know that his parents were going to be devoting each other to themselves for the rest of our lives . We ate and had a wonderful dinner and sat in the corner seat booth of the restaurant . The waiter even gave us a slice of Italian Wedding Cake that was absolutely devine . As we got up to leave , I noticed the entire time there was a statue of a baby angel behind us the whole time ! Wow ! That spoke so much to me . I felt like this was a small way ( or maybe a big way ! ) of Cameron telling us that he was there to celebrate with us . He was in the middle of our dinner the whole time without me even noticing . . . yet , always thinking of him . I started off wanting a small , intimate wedding with only my immediate family . . . but it 's growing and growing now . I just felt that after all this , nothing really matters to me anymore . All the things that used to be important to me aren 't anymore . What is important to me is my family , Cameron , and my future children . After Cameron , I wanted to try for another child as soon as possible , which I hear is pretty normal for someone that has gone through something like this . Have a " rainbow baby , " as they 're called . The rainbow after the storm . I want my rainbow . But I would like to be married before I have another child too . So , there lies the dilemma . I want to try as soon as possible for my rainbow . . . which per the doc , will be after six months , which is in March . So , I 'd like to get married by March so I could start trying right away . . . but that 's so soon ! So , we were thinking next October . . . which I thought was fine , but I 'm still stuck with the dilemma of wanting to get pregnant again by March and then I 'd be unmarried . . . again . I don 't want to be pregnant at my wedding . But at this point , I don 't know . I 'd also like to lose weight for my wedding pictures . So , today , Eric and I have decided to try for the end of March wedding and lose as much weight as possible until then . . . that 's today though . It may change ! In other news , I saw the counselor for the first time this past week . It was good and she seemed to understand . I talked about the insensitivity of some people and how I feel sometimes . How I can be great throughout the day , but then suddenly feel an emptiness and sadness within myself . How can I explain this except to know that it 's because I 'm missing the most precious part of myself ? I miss my Cameron . . . I miss my baby and wish I could hold him . This whole event has changed my outlook on EVERYTHING in my life . . . my family , friends , career goals , education , everything . . . more on that later . . . Getting back to work put me back in a routine . . . and back into the interaction with other people . It 's good . I 'm smiling a lot and laughing . . . I think it helps that I was a smiler and laugher in the first place , so it comes naturally . Although , I think it may be working against me now also . I almost feel like I 'm acting now . . . but not consciencely . Last week was hard at work , but it was still new . This week I 'm back in the routine and actually felt like maybe I was finally getting to the " new normal " that I keep reading about . There 's actually times where I feel okay . . . and I wonder if those times that other mom 's talk about would come to me . Where they just feel down and start crying for no reason . Well , those times have . The last two days . . . I feel like I 'm usually okay in the morning at work . I think up until maybe two or three o ' clock . Once that time comes around , I feel a sudden sadness . It 's hard to explain , but an emptiness and heaviness within myself . I felt like this last night and came home and cried a bit to Eric . But today it it even harder . I had been feeling that dreading feeling in me again . . . feeling that heaviness and emptiness that I 'm missing something . . . which just leads to a deeper sadness . But I was still going through the day and still working . I was at my lead , Scarlett 's , desk talking to her and she made a small joke , but I was already on the verge of crying at that point . It wasn 't the joke that made me cry at all . I really wasn 't . . . but all of a sudden , tears just formed and wouldn 't stop again . I felt terrible . I know she did too and I felt bad about that . I just felt so overwhelmingly sad . She told me that if I needed anything , to ask her and asked me what she could do to make things better or something like that . I think I replied , or at least I know I thought it , something like , " You can 't make things better . . . no one can . " No one can make things better . Isn 't that crazy ? There are so few things , if any , in life that are not able to be fixed . I remember when I was 17 and broke up wiI actually thought that maybe I 'd be one of the mom 's that this pain didn 't creep up upon and come back . . . I was wrong . I was actually going to cancel the appointment with the counselor on Monday . . . but I 'm keeping it now . I miss Cameron . I miss my baby so much . I want to hold him again . . . I wanna look at him again . I came home crying . . . Eric was here already and I walked in and went straight to Cameron 's table and plaque of his prints and touched them . I then walked to Eric and he hugged me and I just cried . I couldn 't stop . . . just cried in his arm with my purse still on my shoulder and started almost that wailing crying again that I had soon after his death . I WANT MY BABY ! I WANT HIM BACK ! I MISS MY CAMERON ! This isn 't fair . Not fair at all . . . . How can I be so fine a few days and then have days like this of utter despair ? I asked Eric last night . . . is this really how my life is going to be for the rest of my life ? Am I always going to have bad days ? Am I never going to be completely happy ? I have just completed my first week back at work , and it was a whirlwind . It was harder than I thought at first , but as the weekend went on , it got easier and easier . I was hoping that everyone knew about what happened so I didn 't get those awkward comments or have to explain everything , and most everyone did . What I didn 't expect was all the " I 'm Sorry " stares and people talking gently to me . As much as I wanted them to acknowledge what happened , I didn 't want people to feel sorry for me . I wanted people to be sorry the event happened , but ask about Cameron and be happy I got to see my baby . Well , here it goes . . . Monday , I walked in and felt nervous and scared , but I thought I 'd be okay . I thought I 'd go to my desk and maybe get a hug or two and that 's it . I didn 't expect to be overcome with emotions as soon as I got to my desk . I got there and saw my co - worker , Keimesha , and just broke down . I don 't know what happened , but I felt so odd and felt like I wanted to run out of there . It was weird being back at work and being in that environment . . . and coming back not pregnant anymore and without a baby to take care of . It should have been one or the other . Well , Keimesha seemed like she understood and smiled and told me it was okay and just kept talking , which was perfect . As people trinkled in , everyone said they were happy to have me back and things like that . But every single person I talked to , I couldn 't help but cry . It was inevitable to talk about it , and if they didn 't , I felt like I had to bring it up , because how could you not ? Plus , I still had a baby . . . I needed to acknowledge him . Tuesday I went in knowing it was going to be a little easier . . . everyone had already gotten over the inital sorry 's and whatnot . . . but there was one co - worker that was just coming back . She is this older lady and when she saw my cat on the background paper , I mentioned she had also passed this weekend and she was like , " Wow ! That 's like boom , boom ! You must be jinxed ! " And just started laughing . I didn 't . . . I just kinda smiled and said yeah . . . even though I thought this was so rude and so inconsiderate ! I 'm jinxed because I lost my precious baby . . . yeah , sure seems like it . There was a point Tuesday where I just felt so much sadness . . . just overcome with sadness and just sat at my desk with tears running down my face . . . and starting and just thinking . I bought over Cameron 's plaster of foot and handprints today so others could see them and know that he was a real baby . Everyone loved them . . . weird that this is really the only tangible evidence I have of him . . . and sad . Wednesday , I thought I felt a big better about going . But we had an Employee of the Quarter meeting at about 3 : 30 PM . Keimesha was getting her five year award , so I was going to go just to see her get it . She had been really supportive with my transition coming back , so I wanted to support her . Yet , almost as soon as the meeting starts , they start announcing the " New Arrivals " and giving congratulations to the new parents that had a baby this last quarter . I tried to remain calm and just kinda looked around . . . but then started thinking that they couldn 't acknowledge Cameron . Why not ? He was as much a baby as those babies . And ya know , maybe I wouldn 't have wanted them to announce him , but they all get a little gift from the company , why couldn 't Cameron get something ? I love getting presents for him because that just adds to the little memories he has . If he had been healthy , he would have gotten a gift . Why is he being treated like he didn 't exist ? I kept thinking and thinking about this and then all of a sudden tears just started rolling down . . . I left quickly . When I got back to my desk , I couldn 't stop the tears from flowing . My manager stopped by my desk and without her even knowing I was crying , put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if it was hard . I turned around and just nodded . She said she was across the room and as soon as they started doing the new arrivals , she thought of me and felt so terrible . . . she looked across the room at me and was watching me when I walked out . She knew it had to be hard . It was . . . I just cried and cried . Why couldn 't Cameron get his baby gift too ? Why couldn 't anyone acknowledge that I had a baby ? Thursday the day was going okay . . . but it seemed every time I saw a new co - worker that I hadn 't seen up to that point yet , I was overcome with nervousness and anxiety . I didn 't know how they 'd react and I wanted to cry instantly . What was wrong with me ? ! Well , this morning I was in the break room making oatmeal when a co - worker I hadn 't seen up to that point came to me and was like , " Hey ! How are you and the baby ? " Very cheerfully . I was dreading this moment , and didn 't know how to react . I kinda fumbled and asked , " Oh . . . you haven 't heard , right ? " And I proceeded to tell her what happened . . . while tears coming down my face . I 'm sure she felt terrible . Later that afternoon , I had a meeting with a quality person and afterwards she was telling me about her sister that went through the same thing years ago . When I told her that I was learning to find God and such after she kept saying how close to God she was , she replied with , " Well , you know never know . . . maybe this is God telling you watch out . And this is what happens when you don 't have faith . " I was in shock ! I didn 't say anything and just smiled and that was it . . . but it upset me quite a bit . I went back to my desk and confided in Keimesha , as I had been doing all week . . I woke up Friday with a renewed view and energy around me . I felt okay for the first time since all this happened . And I felt upbeat . Was I doing okay ? I actually went through most of the day without crying . Even when a co - worker Melissa read Cameron 's memorial program and bookmark and started crying , I didn 't . I didn 't even cry when I explained to her what happened . Wow . . . I didn 't cry . Is this a new step ? I did cry a little bit toward the end of the day , but overall , everything felt okay . . . Cameron 's Bookmarks So , I got through my first week . And I 'm glad I 'm back in a routine . But I still can 't get over that this happened . I miss my baby . . . I miss Cameron . It 's still unbelievable that this happened . It 's unbelievable that I gave birth to my baby already and held his lifeless body in my arms . It wasn 't supposed to be like this at all . I had a talk with my manager Irene at the end of the day Friday and although she has never gone through any of this , I think she said some of the most " right " things that anyone has told me so far . Almost like she understood . She acknowledged that he was my baby . . . he was mine . That it didn 't matter whether he had lived 15 years or just the 21 weeks I had with him , he was my baby . . . the pain would have felt the same . She said people don 't understand that as mom 's , we bond with our babies in our womb . . . they 're ours and we care for them . And she actually predicted the oh so ever popular comment that all angel mommy 's seem to get . . . you can have another child . I was like , yes ! Everyone says that ! And she said she knew they would and she was surprised that other women would say that since they should know how it felt to have a child and that bond so instantly . She knew that I could never replace him . . . he was my baby . . . my first born and will never be forgotten . And I will not let him die for no reason . I will make something out of this and keep his memory alive . I never used to dream , but started once my grandma passed away in 2004 . After Mamo passed away , I 'd have such vivid dreams of her hugging me or holding my hand and I 'd actually feel it in the dream and when I woke up . It was amazing and comforting . It never made me sad . . . I felt at peace in the dreams and loved that I was able to feel her hug me again since I missed her so much . I have always been skeptical about things like this and about spirits coming to you . . . but after those dreams , I was more open to it . They felt so incredibly real ! Maybe Mamo was really coming to me since she knew how much I missed her . If anything , this would be the only way she 'd be able to come to me . My Grandpa , Aunt Elva , and Mamo After this whole tragedy and feeling the need to hold my precious baby , I was so hoping to dream of Cameron . . . but I still haven 't . The closest I 've had was when I dreamt that Puffins was cuddling with his stuffed dinosaur . I 've heard that dreams are the windows to the soul . And now , even more than ever , I 'm hoping that Cameron was talking to me in my dreams . I don 't know if this will sound crazy to others or what , but I 'm grasping . There were no complications throughout my pregnancy . Everything seemed to be going right on track and I felt good about it . I had one dream that I was breastfeeding a puppy with extremely sharp teeth , but I kept trying to breastfeed him because he was my baby . I laughed about this and told others about it . I had heard about those crazy dreams that pregnant women have . Then about a week or two before this whole fiasco happened , I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby and he looked like a real baby , but I knew he wasn 't . I knew he was a puppy even though he looked like a baby . And in that dream , I kept asking the doctors , ' Couldn 't you tell from the ultrasound ? How could you not tell something was wrong or different ? ' And then they explained to me that puppies and human babies sometimes look the same in ultrasounds and it 's hard to tell . Then , that particular dream didn 't mean anything to me . . . I just thought it was part of those crazy dreams . But once I found out on August 29 that something was wrong , that dream meant so much more to me . Was my body telling me something was wrong and was it manifesting it in my dream ? Was Cameron trying to tell me something was wrong ? Did I subconsciously know something was wrong even though everything was going great throughout my pregnancy ? Cameron , August 8 , 2011 . . . my mom noticed this picture looks like he has angel wings already . . . August 29th was a Monday . Tuesday night I told Eric I thought he left . . . I thought his heart stopped beating . In the middle of the night , I woke up scared . I told Eric that I felt like my baby was mad at me . . . I disappointed him . . . I couldn 't protect him and save him and I felt like he was staring at me , mad . I know this was probably just my mind , but I felt so terrible then . . . and so guilty . The first night in the hospital , they gave me Ambien to go to sleep . I kept having to go to the restroom and kept waking up Eric to help me . Everything was extremely groggy that night because of the medication , but Eric said as I was walking to the restroom , I started mumbling things like , " Where is my baby ? Where is my puppy ? I want my puppy dog back . . . I want my baby . " Even through the dreams , I never thought of my baby as a puppy , but I guess my mind was already associating it . . . The night I had Cameron , September 1st , I couldn 't sleep at all . Eric knocked out , but when I tried waking him up in the middle of the night , he woke up extremely startled and was looking all around the room . He didn 't tell me anything then until we went home , but he said he swore he saw Cameron standing next to him looking at me . I felt he thought he saw something . . . he thinks it was a dream , but he said Cameron was smiling . And the next day when we came home , I was closing my eyes and Eric was holding my hand and I swore I felt a tiny hand squeeze mine and quickly opened my eyes . . . but it was Eric 's hand . I couldn 't help but wonder . . . . or maybe just wish . . . that maybe that was Cameron . . . I could hope . Well , that 's kinda of been it , until recently . My Aunt Elva had a dream last weekend that completely touched me . I keep wanting to do things for baby Cameron . . . I can 't take care of him and I want to so much . I wanted to hold him and feed him and rock him and I couldn 't . . . but I still had those needs . I think that 's why I needed to do the programs and bookmarks for him and am feeling good putting together his scrapbook . . . it 's the only things I can do for him since he 's not here . Well , Elva had a dream that Cameron was in a bassinet in a room and we were all around bustling . . . trying to take care of him and get things ready for him . But there was a huge mass over him . . . kind of like a bubble and she felt it was a man . She said she felt scared , but comforted at the same time . But it grew in size and then shrunk to our size , but it was around Cameron . Cameron was facing away from us , but she said he turned his head and he jet black hair . She saw his face and his little mouth and she felt him tell her something along the lines of , ' You can 't take care of me anymore . I 'm with my Father and he 's taking care of me . I 'm okay . You can 't do anything for me . I 'm being taken care of . " Wow . Just wow . She cried telling me this and I cried . Could that be Cameron talking to her to comfort me ? Does he know how much I 'm hurting for him ? I pray every night he doesn 't . . . I don 't want him to know how much I 'm hurting . . . I want him to be happy and not worry . But that dream gave me some sense of security that I hadn 't had . Maybe , through all things of logic , just maybe the dreams are a window to him . . . and that 's the only way he can tell me he 's okay . I 'd love to believe that . Wouldn 't you ? Someone posted this and I fell in love with it . I thought it said it perfectly . I 'm so scared that people are going to forget that I had a son . . . I had a baby . I don 't want this to be forgotten , so this spoke so much to me . They also had one for Grandparents and Uncles and such . . . I gave those to my brothers and parents so they can remember they too are uncles and they too are grandparents . . . even though we all lost our first baby in the family . They had a Walk to Remember today at the Grotto . . . sort of a church with a courtyard to meditate and pray and light candles this morning . But I wasn 't able to go . I went later on in the afternoon and lit a candle for Cameron . . . and Puffins , of course . As soon as we walked in there was a statue of Jesus holding a little boy . . . I wasn 't expecting that and just broke down . I couldn 't stop crying . And loud crying too . . . it caught me off guard . But it was something that spoke words to me and that I needed . I think that was the first visualization of my baby being held by Jesus . . . and me realizing it was probably like that . Eric and I prayed for Cameron and I found little golden charm of a baby . . . I 'm thinking it was probably left over from this morning , but I love that I found one . We then walked along the trail and saw another statue of Jesus sitting next to a woman crying and clutching her heart necklace . . . and Jesus was holding a tiny baby . Oh , wow . . . this was me ! ! ! I had my necklace that I clutch all the time . . . and he had my baby . MY baby . Why does he have my baby ? Again , I just broke down again . . . I touched the baby and kept asking why . . . why , why , why ? Why did you take my baby ? It was weird . . . I looked at Jesus 's face and eyes and it seemed like he was staring at me and for the first time , I kind of felt anger toward him . . . You did this . You took my baby . I 'm sorry if this will offend people , but I felt like hitting the statue . . . hitting his head . . . I just felt so much anger all of a sudden . Why did you take my baby ? He was mine ! I should be holding him . . . he shouldn 't be just a memory . And hardly a memory at that . . . I have so little of him and it 's just not fair . I know others say that God gives us babies and life and it 's his to take away . . . saying like Cameron wasn 't mine at all , but he was . He was from me . . . He needed me and I needed him . So , why ? I just kept looking at the statue and touching the baby 's face and wondering why . It was a beautiful statue though . . . and I am glad it was there . I 'm sure it will be a place for me to go back to for Cameron . I spent a lot of today crying . . . and a lot of it was for Puffins . It just seemed like everything was hitting me head on . I kept thinking of the way Puffins would look at me . She looked at me liked she loved me . You could just tell by the looking on her face . I thought about how we would go to sleep and she would jump on my chest and lay right on it . How she 'd roll her eyes at my mom . And how she had such a distinctive meow when she needed to . She was my princess and she knew it . I 'd always call out for her in the backyard when she wasn 't home , and within five minutes , she was at the french doors waiting to be let in . She was my baby . . . my earth angel . And now she 's with my baby Cameron . All day it was bothering me about how she may have passed . . . I couldn 't get passed it . I couldn 't get over the fact that she may have suffered . . . I couldn 't imagine my princess suffering . I kept looking at pictures of her and I just couldn 't see her having buzzards around her and to be disgraced like that . I kept wondering , how can I get over this now ? How can I just forget this ? I want to ! But I couldn 't . The more and more I thought about it and talked about it with Eric , I think we came to a reasoning of what may have caused her death . . . and it 's the only thing that makes sense to me . . . and even more , it gives me comfort . We think she knew she was passing and went to hide , like cats do , to go . She went to her favorite space under the shed at the neighbors and probably passed Friday or Saturday . . . hopefully , in her sleep and painlessly . Saturday night was the terrible storm that flooded a lot of yards and she was pushed out by the water . And Sunday , the neighbor saw the buzzards and that night I had the dream . It doesn 't make sense that should would just be lying in the backyard in the open . . . the neighbor has no dogs and there 's no reason for that . Or that she didn 't come home before the storm . . . she always made it home before , she knew when it was coming . Once we came to this conclusion , it 's given me some comfort . And the dreaPosted by It was January 22 , 1999 and I was at home and heard the doorbell ring . I was 16 and at my parents home . I opened to door to see my boyfriend at that time , Ryan , standing there . He pulled something out of his pocket and there was a tiny black and white kitty sitting in the palm of his hand ! My own cat ! I fell in love with her instantly . And I knew her name already . . . Puffins . Celeste was added for her middle name because she was angelic to me and it meant heavenly . She was my earth angel for the last 12 years . I got her name out of a National Geographic magazine when I was in 7th grade . I loved the name of that animal and always said when I got my own cat , I 'd name it Puffins . And there was my Puffins . She was just wonderful . She loved me and was always with me . She 'd sleep with her head on my shoulder and then run down the hall in the morning and jump into my arms . I went away to college and my parents told me she cried for me every night . But when I 'd come home , it 'd be like nothing had changed . Even though I went away many times , she 'd always be there , like usual , when I came back . She never forgot our bond . I never forgot her . . . I literally thought of her every single day . I always said I wanted to be cremated when I died and wanted her ashes to be mixed with mine . I had planned to cremate her too . Recently I had been worried about her . . . I 'm not sure why , but I had been . I kept hoping that if she was going to pass , that she would do it at home , so I could hold her little body . My mom always told me how cats run away to pass and I just didn 't want her to do that . She was about 12 years old now . . . but she seemed pretty healthy . Yesterday Eric and I went and put flyers with her picture up around the neighborhood . This afternoon I got a call from a neighbor about a block down saying they had been feeding a cat that looked like her for the last two days . . . there was hope ! We drove there , but it wasn 't her . So , I was in my parents backyard calling her while Eric was watering Cameron 's tree when the backyard neighbor asked me what cat I was looking for . I told him Puffins , my black and white cat . The old man walked toward the fence to me and looked sad . . . he said he was conflicted about telling me and saw her flyers hung up , but said that day after the storm , which was Saturday night , he saw a lot of buzzards in the yard next to his and he was sure they were around Puffins body . . . I just stared at him . . . and asked him if the cat he saw was fluffy , because she wasn 't . I needed to make sure and he said no . . . he couldn 't see her face , but after he saw the flyer , he was sure . Only two black and white cats ever went to his yard and he 's seen the other since the storm , but not her anymore . . . and she was the one on the flyer . It made sense . . . Puffins went missing about Thursday or Friday . . . Saturday night was the storm . . . Sunday he saw the buzzards and had the dream she was with snuggling with Cameron 's stuffed animal . And she always jumped over the fence at that area . . . so that would be the place she would be found . So my Puffins is gone . . . I hate that this happened now . I just hate it . After Cameron , I was finding my way to God . I 'm trying to . . . . I 'm praying every night with Eric . . . we 're reading the bible every night . And we want to start going to church . The only way I can get through losing Cameron was having faith that I could see him again on the other side . But now Puffins is gone . . . all within a little more than a one month period . People say that she 's just a cat and some people can 't understand . . . others may . But for 12 years I thought of her as my baby . I cared about her like one , I thought about her like one , and I worried about her like one . Yeah , it 's not on the scale like Cameron . . . but it 's a different type of love . And true love . It 's real and I can 't understand why two of the most precious one 's in my life are taken from me so close in time . First my Cameron which no one should ever have to go through . . . the loss of a child is one that nothing can compare to . But now Puffins . . . which I just cherished for so long . I keep hoping that she didn 't suffer . But I wish I knew how she went . Was it the storm ? Was she hurt ? Did she think about me and wonder why I wasn 't there to save her ? Or was she sick and she went like mom always said . I hope it 's the last . . . I didn 't want her to suffer . I can 't imagine her suffering . . . I keep thinking that maybe she was taken from me to give to Cameron . Maybe God wanted Cameron to be with her ? But why ? I needed her right now . . . I 'm still hurting . But maybe Puffins was taken to him to show Cameron how much I could love since I loved her so much . Cameron never got to feel my love . . . I wasn 't able to hold his live body or kiss him or fall asleep with him . But I was with Puffins . I miss my Cameron so much . . . soooo much . I now think the dream I had Sunday where Puffins was with Cameron 's dinosaur , sleeping with him , was maybe her giving me comfort . . . telling me she 's with him . At least I hope it is . I can only hope there is a purpose for this . . . otherwise , why put me through so much pain in such a short time . . . It 's been about five days since my beloved cat , Puffins Celeste , has gone missing . What else can go wrong ? I received Puffins as a gift when I was 16 and since then , she was my world . I even put her name on my class ring in high school ! I took her for my senior pictures also and have just adored her . She was my baby for the last 12 years . On Friday I was told that she hadn 't been home . . . I was worried , but not too worried . She 's done this before . But then there were rainstorms and it 's been cooler than usual . . . anything lower than 75 degrees and she thinks it 's cold . That 's when I got worried . Eric and I went around the neighborhood calling her and looking for her . I was glad I didn 't see her in the middle of the street or something . . . so at least I knew she wasn 't run over or anything . . . but then again , I couldn 't find her at all . My mom was saying that she thinks she also lives at another house and maybe she was there . All I can hope is that maybe that 's still a possibility . . . And then Monday night , I had a dream that Puffins was in the washroom on the table snuggling with Cameron 's stuffed dinosaur . I woke up thinking that maybe that was showing me that she was with Cameron in heaven . And all I could think of was why ? ? ? Cameron was already taken from me too soon , so why take Puffins now ? ! But maybe she 's with Cameron . . . so Cameron can take care of her while they 're waiting for me . . . I hope not . I didn 't want Cameron to go so quickly . . . and I didn 't want Puffins to go now . Not yet . Two weeks ago my parents went to Cabo and I stayed at their home . Puffins was in bed with me the whole time and I got to cuddle with her and hear her purr like I used to . I was so glad I got to do that with her recently since I hadn 't in such a long time . Eric even noticed and Puffins was just loving it . When I woke up the next morning too , she was already waiting for me and jumped right on the bed . Puffins , I hope you 're okay . . . I 'm praying for you all the time too that you 'll return safely home . I miss you . . . if not , I hope you didn 't suffer . . . and I hope you 're now with my baby , so both my babies are together and my Cameron has my most beloved cat of all . Puffins can show Cameron how much love his mommy can give . I 'm not saying bye to her just yet . . . I still have hope and please send out good thoughts . I didn 't want my baby Cameron to be gone , he wasn 't supposed to be . So , please don 't take Puffins right now . . . this year is just not going well . . . BTW , I went to the doctor today and so far all the tests have come out negative . . . good and bad . I want to know what caused my sons death , but then again , if everything is negative so far , that means that it most likely is a chromosome problem , which means this is extremely unlikely to ever happen again . It was just a fluke of nature than . . . Nature is cruel . I 've noticed that ever since this whole tragedy happened , I 've met some people that seem to be there just at the right time . It seems meant to be . For instance , today , I met a woman , I think her name was Maria . I went to Mission Park Funeral Chapels by my apartment today with Eric to get my necklace filled with Cameron 's ashes . He was cremated at Puente and Son 's and although they did an excellent job and have been and still are super supportive , this was closer and Puente and Son 's gave me a necklace too . . . so I didn 't want to take a different one to them to fill . . . I thought it may be rude . By the way , Puente and Son 's called Eric several weeks ago to check up on me . . . they were still concerned over me and told me they wanted to give me a necklace to fill . . . I thought it was so nice and made me happy . It 's a beautiful charm . . . a bronze baby angel . But there was a necklace I had already had my eyes on of a mom hugging a baby that I could have engraved with Cameron 's name and birthday . Isn 't it just beautiful ? I love that I can have him around me all the time now . I was at first against putting his ashes in a necklace . . . afraid I may lose it or something . But I started feeling guilty leaving the house too . . . I felt like I was leaving him behind . And I start work in a couple of days . . . I felt I needed to do this . So , they sent me the necklace with a kit to transfer the ashes , but I didn 't trust myself to transfer myself . So , I called Mission Park and they said they could help . We went there and were sitting waiting for them to do the transfer . . . when a lady came and started talking about the rain . I mentioned since September 17th it had been raining . . . which was the day we planted Cameron 's tree for his memorial in my parents yard . And it seemed perfect to keep raining since new trees need all the rain , ya know . . . She asked if my son was a baby and I said yes . . . September 1st , he was still born . She told me sorry and said that happened to her also . Her daughter would have been 32 years old this year . She seemed so warm and caring . Her daughters name was Erika and was 8 pounds and so many ounces . She had to get a hysterectomy right afterwards and was unable to have anymore children . How sad , I thought . . . right now I can 't imagine not having a child to take care of . . . I want to take care of my baby . She said it felt like the end of the world . . . I started tearing up and I saw tears come down her face too . She buried her baby and she still visits her grave site . All I could think of was , wow . . . . 32 years later and she 's still hurting . . . she 's still thinking of her baby she lost . This was also comforting to me , as well . . . to know that I will still think of my baby years and years from now and he still will be considered my baby . He will never be replaced and people still think of their children they lost . She asked if she could give me a hug ; I was aching for one , actually . She leaned over and hugged me and we had a very heartfelt hug . We talked a bit more and asked me for my name and address . . . it seems they have a Christmas service with paper angels on the Christmas tree with names on them . She wanted to send me an invitation when that time comes around . It sounded perfect to me . I left there feeling a comfort I hadn 't felt in a long time . I felt like I met the right person at the right time . An angel in disguise . I met one in the hospital too . . . a nurse named Sylvia who told me about her eight babies she had lost . . . during my time in need , it made me feel like someone else was with me too . I hate that these angels have to exist . . . but it helps . . . no one should have to feel this pain , but it 's here and won 't go away . Our babies won 't come back , but it something that we have to live with . . . a new way of living without our babies here on earth . I understand people don 't know how to react when something like this happens to someone . I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would have reacted to someone . I don 't know if I would know what to do . So , that 's why I am able to excuse what some people have said to me . I know they are trying to be helpful and when they say something to me , they think it 's making me feel better , when in reality , it just hurts more . Some examples . . . My mother . . . something may have been wrong with him in the end . . . or in the hospital , after I had just given birth , she starts talking about someone else that just had a healthy baby . I was too drugged up to tell her anything . Or at my home the weekend I came home from the hospital , Eric 's sister - in - law was there and she had a baby two months ago . My mom ends telling her congratulations for the new baby and stuff . I just had Cameron two days before this . . . and I couldn 't get a congratulations . . . my baby wasn 't cause for a celebration because of the situation . Eric 's mother . . . Maybe you 'll have twins next time . He 's lucky and in heaven or something like that . This is one of my pet peeves of a lot of people . . . God has a reason , It wasn 't meant to be . . . something along those lines . God gave me this baby to carry so he knew I would love him . Why take him from me then ? This doesn 't make me feel better . Or within a week of coming home , she calls and is asking Eric about a vacuum and asking him why he hasn 't done anything . . . um , our baby was born still not even a week ago ? We 're still grieving ! But then tells him we just need to heal . . . basically , get over it and move on . This still angers me to this day and I still haven 't spoken to her yet . It 's a month and 8 days after right now and I 'm still grieving and still missing him . And I can 't imagine this ending anytime soon . He 's my baby , my son . Eric 's Grandma . . . She was a comfort to me at first , but then we she came to San Antonio , I realized that she didn 't understand what had happened . She made excuses for people that acted terrible . . . like Eric 's dad . And after only being home for one day from the hospital , she made a comment saying that it looked like I lost weight . While I know she didn 't mean this to be bad , I took it terrible . I pulled Eric aside and told him that of course I had just lost weight ! I just gave birth to my baby boy ! I don 't have him anymore ! My Dad . . . asking me if I wanted to go pick out a gift for my new nieces baptism . Really ? Then two days later asking me if I wanted to go . I just got mad then and asked him why he would ask me that . It had only been about two weeks . He said he just thought I 'd want to go and pray for Cameron also . I got up and walked out . Little did I know that my mom had already warned him about asking me and told him not to , but he still did . Eric 's dad . . . WHILE I was in the hospital and had just given birth to my angel , he calls that night since he was in town and is wanting to stay at our apartment and take a shower . He was still asking Eric if he was going to go home after Eric repeatedly kept saying he was staying in the hospital . Then asked if the baby 's heart was beating . . . really ? I just thought this was terrible . . . after what we 're going through , he 's still wanting a place to stay and shower . And Eric 's grandma understood this . There were plenty more people just saying it was meant to be and everything happens for a reason and bs like that . I got pregnant for a reason and I was supposed to have him to take care of . You 're young , you 'll have another child . Um , I didn 't want another one . I wanted him ! He 's my baby ! I can 't just replace him ! The worst from my former friend Sarah . . . I strongly believe you get what you put out in the world . Uh . . . what the heck is that supposed to mean ? ? ? ! That I or Cameron deserved this ? That I caused my baby 's death ? No . I love him and I 'm a good person . Or people comparing this to abortions or stuff . . . people telling me their abortion stories . . . this is not like that . I did not choose this . So , that 's my rant . Since then , I found out I was having a precious baby boy . A precious boy that would fill my life with adventure and love and show me how to care for someone so much that I would do anything for . I went and bought clothes and looked at cribs and felt my clothes tightening along with the hardness in my stomach . I felt the uncomfortableness in my stomach while sleeping and the sickness every morning . Oh ! And I don 't forget about that constant backpain ! But through all that , I was so excited to have this baby inside of me . To be able to see his face and see how he 'd look at me and know how much he 'd be spoiled even though I said he wouldn 't . I know I would have been the BEST mom ever . August 27th I went to the 3D ultrasound and invited my parents . They still were unable to get a good picture and his heartbeat was at 118 . All other times it was about 160 , so I wasn 't too worried . My baby seemed to be lazy ! He was just sleeping . . . that 's all . I was 20 weeks at this point . Five months . I still hadn 't felt him move , but I read that new moms can take up to 21 weeks to feel him . The 3D tech didn 't seem worried , so even though I was , I felt it was just my normal worrisome ness . Then Monday , the 29th , I was making the baby shower list and e - mailing Elissa about what I wanted . . . when I got the call from my doctor . He told me that the ultrasound tech called him and told him she felt there were some abnormalities . . . what ? ? ? I didn 't think I was hearing right . Abnormalities ? But she 's not a doctor . . . she could be wrong , right ? He agreed , but said they sometimes could tell things and it 's best to check it out asap . I was in shock . Complete shock . I , at first , thought I 'd work throughout the day and just make a doctors appointment . But , literally , second by second , it started affecting me more . I e - mailed Eric right away and told him to answer my call right now . I stood up and told my lead , Scarlett , I needed to leave . I think I started crying at that point . . . I don 't remember , but I 'm sure I did . When it came out , it just hit me . She saw me and someone was working on her computer at her desk and just told me okay . I think we were short staffed that day so no one was available to take calls , so she put on my headset that she didn 't know how to work . I told her I 'd sign in , but she just told me to go and seemed like she understood . She knew something was wrong . I walked quickly out of the building in shock . . . not knowing what to do . . . I was in a daze . I called Eric 1 , 2 , 3 times and no answer . My gosh ! Why wasn 't he answering ? There were gardeners out there and I was afraid they 'd hear me . That they 'd wonder why I was crying . . . why was this girl crying at work ? So unprofessional ! So , I tried to stay as hidden as I could , but it was hard . Eric finally called me back and I told him what happened . I started crying . He told me to leave right now to the apartment and he 'll meet me there . I was glad he did that because I didn 't know what to do . I honestly think I would have tried to go back to work . . . what was I thinking ? ? ? ! I hung up and called my manager Monique to tell her what was going on . In the middle of that call I got a call from my doctors office telling me they made an appointment with a high risk specialist for me at 1 : 15 PM or something like that . I agreed and called my manager back telling her that I needed to leave and if she could bring my purse at my desk out to me . I couldn 't go back in there like this . . . I was crying so much . How could this be happening ? Everything was perfect and there were no complications at all ! From then on , I met Eric at the apartment . . . those two hours of waiting for the doctors appointment seemed like the longest two hours ever . We went to the doctors office with my parents meeting us . I felt bad for them being there because I didn 't think anything would happen and it was such a long wait . We finally got seen and two hours we were told that my baby had a major heart defect . I cried . . . is this for sure ? Yes , it was . It was significant . Significant . His heart would stop beating soon and I would have to deliver him when that happened . Really ? I 'd have to go through a labor and delivery still ? Yes . That was Monday . . . Tuesday night I think his little heart stopped . . . Wednesday I had a doctor 's appointment at 11 AM which confirmed he was gone . . . my baby was gone . I only had less than four months left . . . but he left early . There was no hope any longer . No more hope at all . I went to hospital right after that appointment , checked in , and delivered him the next evening . At 6 : 13 PM . One pound , One ounce , 10 Inches . . . my baby . Cameron Conrad Exon - Garcia . He had his dad 's mouth and feet , and had my lips and nose . I got to hold him for a moment . Those memories will be the most precious of my whole life . I was in such distress . . . I still am . I miss him every minute of every day . I think about him constantly . I was 21 weeks and four days . Over halfway there . I have his foot and handprints as memories . They 're beautiful and I look at them all the time . I still don 't understand why this happened . I was looking forward to him and would have made sure he was happy . I still don 't understand why this happened to me . I don 't think I ever will . I do know that he 's my angel and I will never ever forget him . I love him more than words can ever express . And I will make sure that his future brothers and / or sisters will know him also . They will always remember him and he will be honored for the rest of my life . Just because my son isn 't here with me on earth , I will still celebrate him and honor his as best I can . I wish things would have turned out differently . . . oh , how i wish . I wish I could have been waking up to him screaming in the middle of the night , feeding him , changing his diaper , being his Santa Claus . . . but I can 't . But how lucky am I told have held an angel ? Very . I lost my baby boy , Cameron , on September 1 , 2011 . I went through labor and delivery and held my angel . This is me working through it .

Helen in our driveway after 11 " of snow ! I just heard on the news , we received 11 " of snow with more to come tomorrow evening ! I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful neighbor , he shovels me out every snow storm we have . He told me he has nothing else to do , he knows how busy I am with the kids . School was cancelled today , the kids got an extra day of Christmas vacation . I was ready for the storm , I got all my grocery shopping done yesterday so I wouldn 't have to go out while the kids are home for break . We can hibernate for the next two weeks , that is such a great feeling . Just being able to sleep longer , lounge around in our jammies , and being able to put a pair of comfortable jeans with holes in the knees on , that 's the life ! I did much better this year with my planning , last year I was awake until 2 : 30am finishing up my elf duties . I am ready , I have about an hour of duty this year , so I will be able to get a good night 's sleep . Having six kids pumped up about Santa coming can lead to a very exhausting day . The energy in this house is very high and getting higher each day we get closer to Santa coming . Noah has really paid attention this year , he keeps explaining to me how Santa gets here . " Mom , Santa comes here in his sleigh , his reindeer bring him . He leaves toys for us , he 's giving me trucks , that 's it , just trucks . " It is so cute , I usually grab him and give him kisses because he is so cute when he says it . Ted came up to me the other night and asked me out of the blue , " Mommy , do you believe in Santa ? " I said , " Of course I do ! Why do you ask ? " He said , " Okay , no reason . " It was as if he had some doubt and just hearing from me that I do believe was good enough for him . . . oh the power we mom 's have ! This is our 3rd Holiday season without Peter , for some reason it is harder than last year . The first year I had so much help from very generous people . One anonymous person bought me a new washing machine because the one that came with our house was not big enough for us . Last year I was given gift cards froPosted by This week started off with a phone call from the nurse at Helen 's school , " Helen is crying , she wet her pants , she just isn 't herself , can you come and pick her up ? " I received this message as soon as I came home from dropping off the others at school . She was fine when she was getting ready for school , there were no signs of her not feeling well . I went and picked her up , she didn 't look sick to me . When we got home I fixed her a spot on the couch , turned on Dora , per her request , and took her temperature , it was low grade . I 'd say after about 15 minutes she became quite irritable , I took her temperature again , this time it was high enough for medicine . Once the medicine kicked in , about 1o minutes , she was fine again . We went and picked up the preschoolers and came back home . The day was moving along when the phone rang again , it was about 1 : 30pm . " Ted 's not feeling well , he 's been laying down in the office , why don 't you talk to him . " Ted got on the phone , I asked him how he felt , he said not so good . He sounded okay , I asked him if he could finish out the day seeing how he only had a little over an hour left . I didn 't want to take Helen out more than I had to . He told me he could , so off he went to join his class in music , they 're practicing for the Christmas concert on Friday . About 50 minutes later I received another phone call , " Ted just threw up , can you come and get him ? " I arranged to have all the kids ready to go when I picked him up so I didn 't have to make another trip . Once we came home it was one right after the other . It started with complaints of a stomachache , and they didn 't need to go potty . They either fell asleep , threw up , or fell asleep and then threw up . During all of the kids getting sick , I myself had a rumbly tummy . We all went to bed a little early that night . I was planning on sending Robbie and Katie to school the next day , they weren 't as sick as the rest of them . When I woke up on Tuesday morning I knew there was no way I was getting dressed to take them to school , my stomach was Posted by Have you ever seen those people on the news who have been victims of a crime and they say , " You always think , that will never happen to me , and then it does . " I had one of those moments yesterday while shopping with Grace and Noah for her birthday present . Grace turned five yesterday so I took her to the store so she could pick out anything she wanted ( within the budget ) . Noah seemed to think he could pick something out too , when I explained to him why he had to put the Playdough back , he became angry with me . He stomped his feet all the way to the shelf and put the container down with a bang . He then started to look at some of the other toys around that same area . Grace in the meantime was looking at some High School Musical 3 merchandise . Some of the things she was looking at were a bit unreasonably priced , so I was trying to suggest other things to her . I turned back around expecting to see Noah , but instead found a whole lot of nothing . I started walking up and down the aisles calling his name . . . no response . It was eerily quiet , there was no movement around us anywhere , not even other shoppers . I looked down every aisle of the toy department , I then back tracked thinking he may go where we had already been . The whole time I was calling his name , still no response . Grace kept talking about what doll she wanted and could we go back so she pick it out . It was then she heard the panic in my voice when I told her , " We 're not doing anything until we find Noah , do you realize he 's lost ? " From then on she said nothing else , she just followed me and helped look for Noah . I ended up going to the front desk and explaining to them what had happened and how I couldn 't find him anywhere . They made an announcement over the loud speaker , " Attention , there is a lost boy by the name of Noah wearing an orange coat , if anyone sees him can you bring him to the front desk , his mom and big sister are waiting for him . Noah , if you hear me , come to the front , mom is waiting for you . " The phone started ringing at the desk with questionPosted by Happy Thanksgiving to everyone , I hope you all enjoy your holiday . Family will be coming to my house today , Sherry is doing the cooking . She stayed over last night in order to get Mr . Turkey Gobbler in the oven this morning . I am smelling the wonderful aroma of the stuffing , in the beginning stages , and it 's bringing back memories . I was awoken so many Thanksgiving mornings by that same smell . My Mom loved the holiday season , Thanksgiving was her holiday to cook . I remember her getting up very early to get everything started , by the time I woke up , the turkey was stuffed and in the oven . The menu hasn 't changed much since my mom did the cooking all those years ago , I will be thinking of her often . I give thanks for the roof over our heads , the wonderful school and church communities who have been there for me , my awesome neighbors , my friends , and my family ( in - laws included ) who have given me support since day one . I will be thinking of all the people who are no longer with us to share this holiday , especially the love of my life , Peter . Until next time - Take Care , SueFree Counter This is going to be a short blog this week , it has been very quiet around here , not that I 'm complaining ! ! Helen has been listening at school so I have not received any more notes from her teacher . I have a parent / teacher conference with her next week so I 'm sure we will be discussing it in more detail then . Robbie played in his very first basketball game on Saturday , he was very nervous . They lost , 34 - 6 , ouch ! He was a bit disappointed because he never touched the ball . He needs more practice on defense , I 'm not sure if he understood what you 're supposed to do when the other team has the ball . At practice last night the coaches worked on that . I was told they played against the best team on the league , just our luck ! He is looking forward to the next game because , according to Robbie , they are not a very good team , they only scored 4 points . Tomorrow night we are going to our support group 's Thanksgiving dinner . They are also going to have a candlelight ceremony for all of our loved ones who have passed away . There will be pictures of them as they read off their names , we can say something if we want to . Katie said she would like to say , " I love you Daddy " , isn 't that sweet ? I am so proud of her , she really has come a long way from not talking at all . Today in the lunch room I could hear her voice from across the room ! I hope everyone enjoys getting ready for Thanksgiving , I can 't believe it 's here already ! I 'm hoping to not have Christmas creep up on me again , I 've already done some shopping . Before you know it , Christmas day will be here ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Free Counter This week started off as a nightmare , it actually started on Friday of last week and carried over into this week . Helen is being mean to her friends at school by playing rough with them . She bent the fingers back on one little girl and made her cry . On Monday she grabbed the hood of another little girl 's coat and pulled . The girl is in kindergarten and I 'm told , can blow over if a big wind blew by . This little girl started to cry , when the teachers went to see what was going on , she became very upset . I was told her neck was all red . Helen didn 't listen to the teachers when they told her to apologize to the little girl , she said , " No " and walked away . I should say " tried " to walk away , the teacher took Helen inside and found her teacher . I was informed that usually a student displaying that type of behavior would have been blue slipped ( written up ) , and suspended , even special education . She did loose her recess privileges this week . I 'm not clear as to why she wasn 't suspended , maybe because they know she doesn 't do it with the intention of hurting anybody . My kids play rough at times , as do most siblings . I don 't think Helen understands the difference in playing that way with your siblings and playing that way at school . We have a new rule in this house , no playing rough . If Helen starts to play rough with any of them , they are to say , " Helen , that hurts me , I am no longer going to play with you ! " and walk away from her . I spoke with her teacher and she suggested they say that to her . I have also been talking to her about not touching the kids at school . I hope it all works , it 's upsetting to receive notes about this , I felt like I had done something wrong . The next few days are going to be busy for us . Katie has a Daisy meeting today after school , the boys have a Cub Scout meeting tonight , the theme is the Olympics . Saturday is Robbie 's first basketball game , he is so excited . He started practice two weeks ago , until that time he had never played outside of gym class . He told me after his first practice , " If praPosted by I just found out a friend 's mom passed away so I am feeling deep sadness right now . It was one of Peter 's friends who stood up in our wedding . She absolutely loved our ceremony because it reminded her so much of her own 35 years earlier ( we were married the day after her anniversary ) . She was impressed that I had done things so traditionally , I told her it was my mom 's influence , she told me my mom had elegant taste . She also told me our marriage would last forever because of the eye contact we shared during the ceremony . It had moved her to tears because it touched her heart so deeply to see Peter so in love , what a perfect thing to say to a bride on her wedding day . She was a wonderful woman , she always made you feel welcome in her home . I sent her a Christmas card every year , when we would stop by she would tell me how beautiful my children were . She will be deeply missed . My kids are home from school the next couple of days , we have parent / teacher conferences at their school . Helen is still in school , her days off were last week . It sure would be nice if the school 's had the same time off . On the other hand , it was nice spending one on one time with her . She didn 't help me at the store last week , she stayed in the cart and enjoyed the ride . She did a good job , she didn 't grab too many things within her reach ! Yesterday afternoon I was moving my car onto the street when my kids saw the neighbor blowing his leaves to the curb . They ran over there and were having the best time , I think he enjoyed it too . I don 't get enough leaves in my yard for them to play in , so I was grateful to them for letting the kids play in theirs . Ted and Robbie came flying out of the house when they saw the other kids playing , and in doing so , let out Toby . He was running all over the place , the kids were trying to catch him . We were making so much noise we caught the attention of our neighbors directly next door to us . I saw them at their door watching and laughing . We must have been some sight , leaves flying in the air , kids running evePosted by VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEI am so proud of Katie , yesterday she read one of the petitions at Mass . I was a bit worried she would back out at the last minute . She and her classmates walked up to the alter , bowed , went to the podium and took their turns reading , Katie went first . I had tears in my eyes for the rest of Mass , and every time I told someone . I almost brought her preschool and kindergarten teachers to tears . When I shared the experience with them , I told them what was going through my mind while I watched and listened to her . All the frustration , the trips to Children 's Hospital to meet with her doctor , the struggles she had within herself and overcame . Katie took a huge step yesterday , I am very proud of her . Our Fall Frolic was a huge success ! Helen and Noah hung out with me in the kitchen while the other kids found their friends and hung out with them . Helen kept taking the top to her dress off , which wouldn 't have been so bad but she had nothing on underneath ! I learned my lesson , yesterday she wore her costume over her clothes , it didn 't fit as well , but at least she wasn 't flashing anyone . She is off from school until Monday , the teachers have a conference to attend . It will be just her and I tomorrow morning , I 'm looking forward to it . We have grocery shopping to do , she loves to help . With it being just the two of us , I will be able to work one on one with her , no interruptions ! She won 't be able to wander , or run off . She won 't have a sibling telling her , " No " whenever she tries to help . She has come a long way but can still get into those moods where all she does is laugh , very loud . They are still having issues with her coming off the playground at school , I have run out of suggestions for them . I talk to her everyday about listening to her teachers , and to line up when they say to . I remind her every morning while waiting for the bus to not stay on the playground when it is time to go in . It 's that stubborn streak in her , poor thing , it runs in the family . ShPosted by October is Down Syndrome Awareness MonthI had another root canal done this morning , my last one was about 7 months ago . The numbness started wearing off about a half hour ago , I 'm feeling the pain ! This one wasn 't as bad as the last one because it wasn 't a molar , but it still hurts . After the appointment I went to the school and helped put up decorations for the Fall Frolic this Friday . Fall Frolic is a Halloween party put on by the Home and School Association , I am on the committee . This weekend is also a bake sale benefiting the Cub Scouts , so I 'm going to be a busy beaver for the rest of the week . I forgot to mention , I 'm having my family over on Saturday for a fall get together . My mom loved this time of year , and almost every year she would have a little get together . She would serve doughnuts , apple cider , chili , garlic bread , and pumpkin pie . We would carve pumpkins and sit around catching up with everyone . Everyone is pitching in so I don 't have to do much . Sherry is doing the most by making the chili , I don 't have a good chili recipe . Last week flew by for me , I don 't know where it went . I 'm sorry for not posting a blog , time just got away from me . My roof is being replaced by family and friends , the professionals wanted way too much money . They have run into some difficulties with the roof , they need to replace a lot more wood than expected . It 's going to cost double what we originally thought , that 's still much better than what the professionals wanted . If I would have had them do it , I would be in the poor house now . Not only would they have charged me a higher price for the wood , but I would have also had to pay the labor . They may have only replaced the pieces that were in the worse condition too , so the job wouldn 't have been as good . I thought about it , I think it would have cost me around $ 15 , 000 . 00 if I would have had the professionals do it . That makes my stomach upset ! Thank you to all of the people working on my roof , especially my brother - in - law . The other day we went to the pumpkin farm with Posted by October is Down Syndrome Awareness MonthLast Friday at the kid 's school they had a service in honor of St . Francis of Assisi , along with a pet blessing . I picked Helen up from school early , otherwise we couldn 't have gone , and went with Toby . It got very chaotic once the kids joined us , I had little hands coming at us from every direction . I had to hold Toby at one point so no one would step on him . During all of this , and not to my knowledge , Helen was holding a little boy captive under the slide . We were in the courtyard where the preschoolers usually play , so it was the plastic playground equipment . It was the 2 year old son of the seventh grade teacher , who happens to be 9 months pregnant . Ted 's teacher from last year intervened and then tracked me down to tell me what had happened . I held Helen 's hand for the rest of the time we were there , I think it just got a bit overwhelming for her and Toby . Saturday would have been my 11 year anniversary , I had a Mass said for Peter , I completely forgot about it . I was working in the yard , getting it cleaned up for the winter . I cut the grass , pulled up the rest of my garden , straightened out the garage so I could fit the patio furniture in there , and I used the weed whacker to get by the fence . I was on a roll ! Before I started I had talked to Sherry , she said she would be coming up in the morning , so if I wanted to go to church with the older kids , she would stay with the younger ones . We usually go to Saturday Mass , had it been a normal day , we would have been there . I took Ted , Robbie , Katie , and Grace to Mass Sunday morning . I went to say good morning to Father John , he informed me about the Mass for Peter , I was very embarrassed . I think from now on I will only have a Mass said on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death . For the past couple of weeks I have been a " hot lunch lady " , I love it ! The kids really enjoy having me there for lunch , and I enjoy getting out and having adult conversation with other women . The kids have hot lunch every Wednesday , everyPosted by October is Down Syndrome Awareness MonthI didn 't write a blog last week because I had a health scare and wasn 't in the right frame of mind . I went to the doctor last Wednesday for my yearly check up , I was doing fine , just a little tired ( that 's a given ! ) . When I heard the word CANCER come from her mouth , I stopped listening , my brain couldn 't process anything else . It was like the teacher on the Charlie Brown specials , " Wawawawa wawa wa . . . " I started thinking back to when Peter was diagnosed and all he went through . I was thinking of my kids and how this would devastate them . They have all come such a long way , especially Katie . Even though the doctor told me it was a very rare cancer and she wanted to run the test just to rule it out , I freaked out . My luck hasn 't been that good lately , so I just knew I would have it , bone marrow cancer . I walked out of that office in a daze , how could this be happening ? Didn 't God know I had a free pass to life ? He already took Peter , how could he take me too and leave our kids with no parents . Reality smacked me in the face , no , I don 't have a free pass to life , no one does . We never know what 's going to happen to each and every one of us day to day . Peter was a perfect example of that , he was the healthiest person I ever knew , and now he 's gone . . . CANCER . I didn 't tell anyone the news , I didn 't want them to worry . I know a lot of people worry about me everyday and I didn 't want to make it worse . They too would think of the kids , those wonderful kids who have been through so much already . It was exhausting to go through the day with this on my mind and not be able to react for fear of someone asking , " What 's wrong ? " , especially the kids . I finally called Sherry after the kids were in bed and confided in her . I could feel some of the weight of this information fall from my shoulders and onto hers ( sorry Sherry ) , I needed that . It was a very long week - end , since the results didn 't come back on Friday , I would have to wait until Monday . We went to church , I didn 't feel like it , I Posted by I apologize for getting this blog up so late , it was a very busy week for us . Sunday was Ted 's birthday party , it was a very nice get together . Monday was Ted 's first den meeting , he was so excited to go . On Tuesday I had a mandatory Home and School Board meeting at the kid 's school . Wednesday was the first day of Greek School , you should have heard all the moaning coming from this house ! Last night we had our support group , the kids enjoyed themselves . I don 't feel like I fit in , the other women are having a very tough time . I did realize one thing last night , my faith has really carried me through , more than I thought . I can 't really explain how I came to that conclusion without breaching the agreement of privacy for the others . I 'm sure you have had moments when you were angry with the world because of something terrible happening in your life , that 's pretty much the gist of it . Today I spent the day cleaning the house , Ted 's having a sleep over tonight with a couple of his friends for his birthday . On top of all of this , I have been dealing with car problems . I know I mentioned my fuel pump going out , did I mention my alternator ? Just a few short weeks after the fuel pump needed replacing , the car decides it wants a new alternator too ! Jerry , the friend who fixed the fuel pump , replaced the alternator , checked all the gages , and everything was fine . . . not ! ! The next day my battery light went on once again . I took the car back to Jerry , he checked everything over , it all looked fine . I called the garage I usually take it to and explained what was going on . I was told to bring it in when the battery light was on , otherwise everything would register fine . Every morning when I would take the kids to school , the light would be on , but when I would go to leave , the light would turn off , it was a crap shoot ! Finally one day I was able to get it to the garage . While they were looking at it , the alternator kicked in , so they didn 't get a chance to get a really good look . They suggested I have the alternator replaced to Posted by Helen 's ButterflyGrace 's ButterflyEvan 's day and night Robbie and Evan in jail I thought having all the kids in school at some point would give me the opportunity to " catch up " on cleaning the house , it hasn 't . I can 't believe how full the calendar has become since school started . Maybe it 's just this week because Ted had an adjustment appointment at the orthodontist , and Helen had a check up with the pediatrician . I 'm trying to get ready for Ted 's birthday party on Sunday and since it 's already Thursday , I 'm starting to feel the pressure ! This house is just so . . . not my kind of clean , does that make sense ? My mom used to call it surface cleaning , when you clean so that the house looks presentable , but it 's not truly clean , clean . I 'll start by doing my " surface cleaning " , and maybe next week I 'll get to the real nitty gritty of things . Our church festival went well , I enjoyed myself . I helped with the meat raffle , a local meat store sells us meat in bulk , and we raffle it off . I bet your thinking I walked around selling raffle tickets , I surely could do that job . When I arrived they needed someone to do the announcing , guess who got the job , me ! Most of you don 't know me , so let me give you an idea of my personality . . . shy , shy , shy , shy , shy , and even more shy ! ! ! I bit the bullet , I channeled Peter , ( he would have been in his element ) and I got the job done . Most of the parents couldn 't believe it was me behind that microphone announcing what we were raffling off , and talking them into buying the tickets . To be honest , I surprised myself , I felt somewhat comfortable behind that microphone . By the end of the night I was announcing the fact that we had parents sitting in the dunk tank waiting to take a dip , and all the food going for a dollar because we had so much and it was getting late . Peter was definitely with me that night ! ! ! We went to the festival the next day to have fun , and the kids did . Grace , Helen , and Evan had their faces painted by the local clown , Cuddles . She does the most amazing work , as you can Posted by This morning was supposed to be my first morning alone , but Robbie came home from school yesterday with a headache and vomiting . He is doing better , he still has the headache , but at least he is able to keep things down . I just gave him some medicine , so he should be feeling much better soon . Today was the first day of school for Grace and Noah , they were so excited . Grace is an old pro with preschool , she was happy to see her friends from last year . Noah , on the other hand , became a bit overwhelmed with all of it . He wouldn 't leave my side when it was time to sit in a circle , I even made Grace change places so she would sit next to him . Working in a daycare center all those years ago , I knew it was time for me to just go , he would be fine . I just called , he is doing fine , he is working on puzzles with one of the other boys . The teacher told me he cried for about 5 - 10 minutes . She tried to comfort him , when she walked away from him , he stopped . It 's an adjustment for him , he is used to being with me all the time , in fact , it 's an adjustment for me too ! Helen started school this week also , it didn 't start soon enough for her , she was getting so bored . If Helen could go to school everyday of the year , it would be a perfect world for her ! She wouldn 't get off of the playground at recess again , so she didn 't get a Popsicle . The second day went better for her , she got the Popsicle . I 'm hoping she won 't give the teachers a hard time at recess . I think she just needs to get used to the routine , during the summer she can come and go as she wants from outside . I think she will be fine , especially if they keep using Popsicles . Helen is always the first one up on the week - ends , and during the summer . If I forget to check the refrigerator to make sure it 's locked the night before , look out ! ! Helen will go into the freezer and help herself to Popsicles , fudge bars , and whatever else is in there . One day I found a gallon of ice cream sitting on the table with a fork in it . She doesn 't eat just one , I have found her sitting in Posted by I kept putting off going to the grocery store , I just couldn 't do another trip with all of the kids , it really drains all the energy from me . We were running out of a lot even though I had stocked up . I finally asked Sherry if she could come and stay with the kids so I could go alone ( she has always helped me out , I just didn 't want to keep asking ) . On Sunday she came over , it was getting close to dinner time . I decided to run to Shopko ( they have a Payless in their store ) , to get the kid 's gym shoes for school , and then go back home and feed the kids before going to the grocery store . It sounded like a great plan , until . . . . . . . MY CAR BROKE DOWN ! ! ! ! ! ! Can you believe it ? I tried to start my car , it sounded like it wanted to turn over but couldn 't . I knew it wasn 't the battery , I 've had troubles with that in the past . I had troubles with the distributor cap , so I thought I would look under the hood and try and find it , I must have looked hilarious ! There was a guy working on his tires in the parking lot so I went over and asked him if he knew anything about cars . He told me , " Sounds like your fuel pump to me , I had the same problem a few months ago . " I said , " Really ? Does that mean I 'm stranded ? " He said , " Yeah , pretty much . " After a few words I can 't repeat on this blog , I called Sherry to let her know I was stranded . I gave her names of people and she looked them up in my church directory . The first call was to my mechanic 's house , he has a daughter Helen 's age . They weren 't home . . . the next few calls were to friends , also , not home . I called the shop where I usually take my car hoping they had an emergency number to call for a tow . . . no . I sat and thought about my situation , how easy it used to be to just call Peter , he would come and get me and then handle the rest . Robbie has a friend who lives right down the street from Shopko , I called him . He came within five minutes , listened to the car , looked underneath , and agreed it was the fuel pump . He said , " When the traffic dies down a bit , I 'll come and tow your carPosted by We are getting ready for school to start , this time of year is so hectic and expensive . It 's always tough getting back into the routine and following schedules . Helen 's school bus is always late the first week which makes the other kids late for their school . This school year all the kids will be going ! Ted will be in 4th , Helen - 1st , Robbie - 2nd , Katie - 1st , Grace - 4 year old preschool , and Noah - 3 year old preschool . Grace and Noah will be in the same class , they didn 't have enough kids signed up for either class to have them separate . It works out better for me this way , they will be gone at the same time , which means . . . I will have 2 hours and 45 minutes three days a week to myself ( not that I 'm keeping track or anything ! ! ) Everyone keeps asking me what I 'm going to do with my time . I tell them I don 't know but I 'm sure I 'll find something to do . I will definitely enjoy the quiet time , maybe I 'll start meditating ! I actually will start working on It 'll Fit 'll tasks during that time . I will also be able to volunteer more time at the schools because the preschool has a program where the kids can stay longer if I need them to . I 'm really looking forward to the coming year in that aspect . I 'm not looking forward to another year of difficulties for Katie . She is really nervous about school starting , she is afraid of new students that may be in her class . I called her doctor to see if there was anything I could do or say to make it easier on her . At least this year we know what is going on with her and have the help she needs waiting on the sidelines . I 'm hoping for a smooth transition for her . Everyone else is fine with it , some more than others . Toby is doing fine , he has a case of kennel cough and is on medication for it . I was very worried about him the other night , I thought he swallowed a Lego or something . He was up most of the night coughing and spitting up , which meant I was up most of the night . It brought back memories of those sleepless nights with the kids when they were newborns , and the zombie like feeling Posted by Robbie and Toby in our backyard Remember when I said we weren 't going to get another dog until next year ? well , I changed my mind . I introduce to you , Toby , a 9 week old Beagle / Lab mix . I had been looking at websites , researching breeds , and seeing what was out there . I was leaning towards the Labs , I always liked them , but Peter didn 't because he didn 't like dogs with long tails . I was on another blog that had a link to Petfinder , so I clicked on it . I was leaning towards getting a dog from a shelter , our local shelter didn 't have any that would " fit " our family . I scrolled through the pages , and when I got to page five or six , this picture of two puppies jumped out at me . I didn 't even hesitate , I emailed to see if the puppies were available . I was planning on getting both of them , they were brothers and were so cute they made my heart melt . I found out the next day that only one was still there and if I wanted him he was mine . I called Sherry to see if she and Evan would like to go with us , a second set of eyes is always helpful . Toby was at the Jefferson County Animal Shelter in Mt . Vernon , IL , a 6 1 / 2 hour drive for us . We left Sunday morning and spent the night at a hotel where the kids swam in the swimming pool . Everyone had a blast , Helen couldn 't stop laughing , she loves the water . It will definitely be a nice memory for the kids . On Monday morning we went and picked up Toby , love at first sight . Everything happens for a reason . . . what was I thinking when I said I would take both puppies ! ! ? ! Thank goodness Toby 's brother had already been adopted , one puppy is a lot work , two puppies . . . YIKES ! ! He is adjusting well , and so are we . He is sleeping through the night , I think because the kids tire him out during the day . He loves to be outside with them , he chases after their feet , and loves to nip . I have been trying to teach them the importance of not letting him get away with that , he no longer does it to me . It is so fun watching him explore and play , he loves to tug at the weeds in my yard . I have already Posted by In Loving Memory of Peter ( 6 - 9 - 63 / 8 - 8 - 06 ) Wonderful Husband , Terrific Dad . . . It is okay to cry . Tears release the flood of sorrow of missing the one you love . Tears relieve the brut force of hurting , enabling us to " level off " and continue our cruise along the stream of life . Shedding tears is not a sign of weakness , it is a sign of our human nature and emotions of deep despair and sorrow . It 's okay to cry . It is okay to heal . We do not need to " prove " that we loved the person who has died . As the months pass we are slowly able to move around with less outward grieving each day . We need not feel " guilty " , for this is not an indication that we love less . It only means that , although we don 't like it , we are learning to accept death and it 's finality of the pain our loved one suffered . It 's a healthy sign of healing . It 's okay to heal . It is okay to laugh . Laughter is not a sign of " less " grief . Laughter is not a sign of " less " love . It is a sign that many of our thoughts and memories are happy ones and our dear one would have wanted us to laugh again . It 's okay to laugh . Until next time - Take Care , SueFree Counter I am blogging a day early this week because I am taking Ted and Robbie to Six Flags tomorrow and will be too tired when we get home . They both received a ticket when they finished reading for six hours , it 's a program through the school . On Thursday we are going to Sherry 's house so I can work with Ted on his Aquanaut pin for Webelos ( she lives by a lake ) . The next couple of days are going to be exhausting for me . I didn 't blog last week because I came down with something , I thought it was the flu , but it could have been something else . I woke up Wednesday morning like usual and got Helen ready for school . While waiting for her bus to arrive I laid my head back on the couch and rested my eyes . When the bus came we walked to the door and as I waited for Helen to get on the bus I started feeling very dizzy . I thought maybe I had gotten up too quickly so I went to lay down for just a minute to see if it would pass . I figured I needed more sleep since I have had trouble getting to sleep lately . The only problem was that Helen and Katie had a doctor 's appointment that morning and so I couldn 't go back to sleep . I had about a thirty minute window , so I dozed off . That 's when it really hit me , I started to feel very sick , I ended up in the bathroom . I felt very clammy , shaky , and dizzy . I got back in bed and realized , there was no way I was going to be able to drive 60 miles to the doctor 's office . I started making phone calls , first to the doctor to cancel , and second , to Helen 's school , telling them to send her home on the bus . The first thing that came to mind was I needed my thyroid medication changed , then maybe the flu . I was really upset and scared because my husband Peter had the same symptoms when he was diagnosed with his brain tumor . My mind started racing in every direction after those thoughts entered my head , something I didn 't need . I talked to the kids and explained to them how I felt , I told them I needed them to help me out . Ted would need to make sandwiches for everyone , and the others would have to tPosted by We just got back from our support group 's picnic , it was a very nice time . It was at the oasis on the lakefront , I was surprised at the number of people who go there to hang out , and not to swim . It 's kind of like a club on the beach , they serve alcohol , and even had entertainment . After we ate , we walked down to the water , the plan was to only get feet wet , HA ! The kids were not in swim suits , they told me they didn 't want to swim , I should have known better . Grace is the one who started it , she kept lifting her dress higher , and higher , and was going farther and farther in . At one point , she fell , she was soaking wet . The other kids took her lead , and I ended up with very wet kids ! I 'm sure it was refreshing , it was very hot and humid here today . We will definitely go back again , it is a very nice beach . At the end of the picnic we wrote notes to Peter , tied them to a balloon , and launched it into the air . Before we let go we all stood in a circle and told everyone who the balloon was for . None of my kids wanted to talk , so I explained that it was for Peter , my husband , the kids dad , who will be gone two years in two weeks . I couldn 't believe how emotional I felt , I got very teary eyed . I think it was the look I got from the director , and the connection I felt with the group . We watched the balloons float away until we could no longer see them . Helen , on the other hand , was busy making sand angels ! Robbie is at his first sleep over , I hope he 's having fun . He has been looking forward to this day since last Saturday . The Cub Scouts had a can drive and his friend 's dad asked me then if Robbie could make it Thursday , the count down began . I 'm so glad it finally came , I don 't know how much longer I could have answered the question , " Mom , how many more days ? " , " Mom , how many more hours ? " , " Mom , how many more minutes ! ? " He is spending all day tomorrow with them , he won 't be home until 3 : 00pm . They are teaching him how to ride a bike , I 'm embarrassed to say that none of my kids know how . We received hand - me - down bikesPosted by This week Helen had appointments with her tummy doctor and her heart doctor . We headed north to Milwaukee for one , and south towards Chicago for the other . The kids enjoyed the long car trips , especially the one towards Chicago . When we went to the tummy doctor in Milwaukee , we were in a room with a view of the construction . My stomach would get little " pings " every time one of the kids got close to the window . I don 't know how those construction workers do it everyday , I would be too nervous ! They are adding on to the Children 's Hospital , it 's starting to look nice . The doctor asked me how things are going with Helen 's diet , he didn 't act very pleased when I told him she has had gluten , by accident . I do my best , I can 't help it if she takes from the other kids when I am not looking . I tried to ban snack crackers from the house because of this issue . It is such an easy snack and the kids love them , I thought it wasn 't fair . I bought Helen her own crackers , but , of course , they don 't taste as good . Putting the whole family on a gluten free diet would be too expensive , and with the way gas and food prices are going up . . . well , enough said . We will have to wait and see what her blood test results are , hopefully the numbers have gone down from the last visit instead of up . She also had blood drawn to check her thyroid , at her last visit her numbers were a little off . She had just gotten over a sinus infection so the physicians assistant thought it could have been because of that . She wanted to have Helen re - tested to see if she really did need her medicine adjusted . I think she does , she has gained a bit of weight , her tummy has gotten big again . Her heart doctor says she looks good , she will go back in a year . The scar tissue by her aortic valve has grown a little , but not significant enough to do surgery , thank goodness . On the way home from the heart doctor ( by the way , that 's how I refer to them with Helen , tummy doctor , heart doctor ) we stopped by the cemetery to check on Peter 's flowers and light his candle . I pPosted by This is just my opinion , but , I think everyone needs to slow down . Whatever happened to visiting family and friends on the week - end ? I have friends I haven 't spoken to in months , and family members I haven 't seen in years . My excuse , and I 'm sure with everybody , is that I 'm just so doggone busy . I learned the hard way that life is too short , you must enjoy it while you can , and yet I 've gotten caught up in it . I have recently changed my phone service , I now have unlimited long distance . I plan on using it by calling those friends I have lost touch with , and checking in with family members . If gas prices weren 't so high , taking Sunday drives and maybe stopping by someones house would be nice . Peter and I used to do that all the time when we were dating . I used to wonder if it irritated people , you know , us showing up out of nowhere ! We always had nice visits , I hope the people we visited enjoyed our company . I would love to have people stop by and visit us . So , to all my family and friends who are reading this now . . . you are always welcome at our house , please , feel free to stop by ! ! I have come to realize that it 's true what they say . . . as you get older you become your parents ! I cannot figure out why it is so difficult for my kids to turn off the light when they leave a room , or close the door when they go outside . I have explained to them many times about the lights being on and how I have to pay for the electricity . I remember receiving that same lecture from my mom when I was younger . I also remember hearing her yell , " Close the door before the mosquitoes come in ! " I now have the kids saying that phrase because I have used it so much . My mom used to be the one to get bit during the night , Grace and Katie are the lucky ones in this house . I 'm hoping it will teach them to close the door . I go mosquito hunting every night before bed , hitting drapes , and blinds , but I still haven 't gotten any . Katie and Grace wake up with fresh bites , so I put anti itch medicine on them and hope they don 't scratch too much . With allPosted by I want to start by saying the cotton interlock material Sherry found at the show in L . A . is absolutely wonderful , I could sleep on it ! It is so soft , it is perfect for our body shirts , definitely worth the wait . Our summer is off to a busy start , how about you ? We puppy sat last week , that was a lot of fun . We were spoiled with Mickie , since she was older she didn 't have as much energy as she did as a pup . Milo ( Sherry 's dog ) reminded us just how much energy a puppy can have ! He was here about 10 minutes and had already found the only mud puddle in the yard . He decided to roll around and then lay in it . He joined me while I watered the flowers and garden by walking in the trenches I had just filled with water . I 'm sure his memory of me is holding a bucket full of water and a towel ! Since Mickie has been gone I have had to sweep the kitchen floor more often , I never realized how much she helped me . Milo took over that chore for her , one I 'm sure he didn 't mind . It was nice having a dog in the house again , the kids kept asking me , " When are we getting our own dog ? , we need another one ! " I am enjoying my break of animals right now , I have been caring for a pet for the past 16 years . Given all I have been dealt with the past couple of years , I need to lighten my load a bit . I definitely do want another dog , I LOVE dogs , but now is not the time . I told the kids maybe in a year , my heart needs to heal . Helen started summer school this week , we dropped her off on the first day so we could meet the teacher . We ran into a couple of her old teachers from two years ago , they couldn 't believe how grown up she looked . One of them was the assistant that adored Helen , she would always refer to her as " my girl " . I feel better knowing they are there . Today is the last day of Bible Camp for the other kids , they are putting on a show . They have been practicing for the past couple of days . I was making beds in the girls room yesterday when Helen came in , turned on the music , and started doing the routine . I hope she will be okay when Posted by Hi Guys - Sorry I haven 't posted for a while . There 's been a lot going on within It 'll Fit 'll and the other facets of my life and I 'm still figuring out how to juggle all of it . Obviously , I continue to drop a ball here and there . This post , for example , was written weeks ago but I haven 't posted it . It 's not as fresh as it was in early May , but I hope you 'll still be interested . . . Some of you may remember that I wrote a blog entry about my upcoming trip to Los Angeles for the Textile Show . That entry was a good long time ago , because the show was in mid April . I was hopeful that I could find thick , soft cotton interlock ( comparable to the soft stretch cotton that 's used for receiving blankets ) fabric for our line of bodysuits ( which we 'll call body shirts and most folks call " onesies " . That familiar term is , unfortunately for us , trademarked by the Gerber Corporation . So , we can 't use it to describe our product . ) At any rate , I 'd been confounded in my search for that fabric . Having attended two prior , fruitless , fabric shows - one in Chicago and one in New York City - I was concerned that the elusive cotton interlock was somehow unattainable for It 'll Fit 'll . That third show did turn out to be the charm for us . We found the perfect , PERFECT fabric for our needs . It 's super soft ( so it 's a pleasure to wear against bare skin ) , heavy weight ( so it 's durable ) , and reasonably priced ( so we will be able to make bodyshirts that are affordable for you ) . When you add the fact that the company contact person is nice , reasonable and has great follow - up - we couldn 't ask for more . Hurray ! We also found sources for other fabrics and components , but those weren 't as worrisome to me as the cotton knit . All in all , the trip was highly successful - even more than I expected and , despite my worry on this one , I 'm always overly optimistic . That 's the quick and dirty report on the LA Textile Show . For those of you who are interested , as I would be , I took some photos to share . The software limits me Posted by Some postings have purple text . That 's where I ask directly for feedback and opinions from you . Please share your thoughts ; they are invaluable . Thanks !

For Christmas a few years ago , my Gma and Gpa got me this book . It 's by Matthew Christian Harding , and is the first book of a trilogy called " The Peleg Chronicles . " Now , if you know your Bible , you would know that Peleg was a man who lived between Noah and Abraham , which gives you a hint on what its time era is . It 's a rather new genre , without a real label , but it 's category on Amazon is Christian Fantasy and Sci - fi . It doesn 't even really fit with the normal young - earth genre book . There 's no magic , and it takes place in the post - tower - of - babel era . There are dwarves , dragons , sea serpents , and pagan priests who want to make human sacrifices of some of the characters , and tons of adventure and excitement . Since it was written by a man , it 's not surprising that the cast is mostly male . Of the protagonists , there were only two girls , Suzie and Mercy . There also appear to be three more women in the other two books , Mercy 's aunt and cousin , and the Witch Elsa , who is one of the villeins . The one thing I wonder about this book is some of the names , like Mercy and Strongbow , sound rather English and I would have thought that people living in that era and that people group wouldn 't be speaking English , but something more like Hebrew , but that aside , I guess an author has a right to name his characters whatever he wishes . The character that I liked best was Thiery , one of the titular foundlings . The first thing I liked was his name . Don 't ask why , I just liked it . Thiery , Thiery , Thiery . . . It has a nice ring to it . Anyways , in the beginning of the book , he doesn 't have any idea who his parents were , but he is an aspiring ranger of sorts and serves under slow - witted man whose father was a Giant named Oded . Oded follows the true faith , as does Thiery . Thiery then adopts the other titular foundling , Suzie , and makes her his sister , which causes some confusion to those who know who Thiery 's father is when they assume that she is his real sister . He is very protective of his adopted sister . I also liked that he had a pet wolf . I personally believe that all growing boys need a pet wolf . On my Amazon Wishlist , I have something called the One Year Adventure Novel . Those who have read my wishlist may be wondering what it is . Well , first off , it 's a writing curriculum that costs almost two hundred dollars . OYAN , as it 's often abbreviated , was written by Daniel Schwabauer . I first found out about it when my mom stumbled upon it somehow and ordered the free sample DVD . I 've watched the DVD , and I 've looked at the sample lessons that are on the site . OYAN is different from other writing curricula , as it is from a Christian perspective and it 's thrust is not to teach you how to string words together , but how to tell a story . It doesn 't teach you how to characterize , but how to build a character that people care about . It teaches that a good story tells a lesson and how to tell the lesson you choose to tell without sounding preachy . It 's lessons are told not just on paper , but it has a video portion that makes the lessons come to life . I wear glasses . I got my first pair of glasses when I was six or so . I called them my Molly glasses because they looked the glasses that Molly the American wore . But as much as I loved that pair of glasses , sometime in the past year , I realized that I wasn 't seeing things as well as I should . So my Gma and Gpa got me glasses for my birthday . I knew I needed glasses - but I hadn 't realized how bad . My left eye severely changed . I had always been left - eye dominant . . . but a few weeks ago , I had taken the eye dominance test . . . and I was now right eye dominant . So now I have a new pair of glasses , their base color is the same as my third pair of glasses , but the color you mostly see is dark purple . I like them . However , due to the fact that my left eye has been corrected more than my right , they 're having to relearn how to focus . Mom says I need to find a patch to put over my right eye and make my left eye do all the work for a week . Anyone know where I can find a eye - patch ? On another note , Thanks to the 239 people who bought my book for free yesterday . I hope you like it , and please leave a review . I have a contest running when it comes to reviews . As my Valentine 's Present to everyone , until midnight tonight , the Kindle Version of my book will once more be free . If you missed out on this back at Christmas - here 's your second chance ! Hurry while it lasts ! I actually know of three versions of this Fairy Tale . They all begin the same , it 's the endings that are different , and the titles . I think this is the silliest ending . I got the text from here . Once upon a time there dwelt in the land of Erin a young man who was seeking a wife , and of all the maidens round about none pleased him as well as the only daughter of a farmer . The girl was willing and the father was willing , and very soon they were married and went to live at the farm . By and bye the season came when they must cut the peats and pile them up to dry , so that they might have fires in the winter . So on a fine day the girl and her husband , and the father and his wife all went out upon the moor . And the mother gives her a Look and says , " as if that 's gonna happen . You know , it will happen if you keep sitting there . Come on , the horses are hungry , and so are our menfolk . . . " ' Something strange must have occurred , ' exclaimed the old farmer on the moor , who by this time was not only hungry , but cross . ' I must go after them . ' And he went and found them in the stable . Was she that bad of a girl ? Okay , now I 'm worried . You would think that a clever girl would be quickly married off . Apparently not . At last one came from a distance , and his name was Hans , and when he proposed to her , he made it a condition that Clever Else should be very careful as well . She has to be careful . That might get them in trouble . " No , indeed , " said the mother , " she can see the wind coming up the street and hear the flies cough . " See the wind ? Wind is invisible . And flies don 't cough . They 're almost as bad as the girl 's father in Rumpelstiltskin ! " Well , " said Hans , " if she does not turn out to be careful too , I will not have her . " You know , I 'd think that if I had a stipulation for my potential spouse , I wouldn 't tell it to her . That way , she can 't pretend to have the traits you seek . But , to each his own , I guess . Now when they were all seated at table , and had well eaten , the mother said , " Else , go into the cellar and draw some beer . " Then Clever Else took down the jug from the hook in the wall , and as she was on her way to the cellar she rattled the lid up and down so as to pass away the time . Um . . . talk about a nervous habit . Hey , Hans , this girl looks to be a bit hyper ! Are you sure you want her ? When she got there , she took a stool and stood it in front of the cask , so that she need not stoop and make her back ache with needless trouble . Then she put the jug under the tap and turned it , and while the beer was running , in order that her eyes should not be idle , she glanced hither and thither , and finally caught sight of a pickaxe that the workmen had left sticking in the ceiling just above her head . You know , I wonder how often this girl went down to the cellar to get beer - and if she had been down there often enough - why hadn 't she noticed it before ? Then Clever Else began to cry , for she thought , " If I marry Hans , and we have a child , and it grows big , and we send it into the cellar to draw beer , that pickaxe might fall on his head and kill him . " Define big . Big enough to react in time to get out of the way in time ? But she has to worry , anyways . She 's supposed to be being careful , after all . So there she sat and cried with all her might , lamenting the anticipated misfortune . All the while they were waiting upstairs for something to drink , and they waited in vain . At last the mistress said to the maid , " Go down to the cellar and see why Else does not come . " So they were rich enough to have a maid . So the maid went , and found her sitting in front of the cask crying with all her might . " What are you crying for ? " said the maid . " Oh dear me , " answered she , " how can I help crying ? if I marry Hans , and we have a child , and it grows big , and we send it here to draw beer , perhaps the pickaxe may fall on its head and kill it . " " You see , Hans wants me to be careful - so I 'm being careful ! " Yes , I see why she 's called clever . It takes cleverness to be this manipulative ! They 're rich enough to have a boy too . Unless the maid and boy are Else 's younger sister and brother . . . They might be , actually . The boy did so , and there he found both Clever Else and the maid sitting crying together . Then he asked what was the matter . " Oh dear me , " said Else , " how can we help crying ? If I marry Hans , and we have a child , and it grows big , and we send it here to draw beer , the pickaxe might fall on its head and kill it . " Well , boys tend to be more intelligent than girls , so the boy might not fall for this stupidity . Upstairs they were all waiting for him to come back , but as he did not come , the master said to the mistress , " You go down to the cellar and see what Else is doing . " So the mistress went down and found all three in great lamentations , and when she asked the cause , then Else told her how the future possible child might be killed as soon as it was big enough to be sent to draw beer , by the pickaxe falling on it . And the mother , being utterly convinced that her daughter is completely clever , will go along with it . Upstairs the husband waited a little while , but as his wife did not return , and as his thirst constantly increased , he said , " I must go down to the cellar myself , and see what has become of Else . " And when he came into the cellar , and found them all sitting and weeping together , he was told that it was all owing to the child that Else might possibly have , and the possibility of its being killed by the pickaxe so happening to fall just at the time the child might be sitting underneath it drawing beer ; and when he heard all this , he cried , " How clever is our Else ! " and sitting down , he joined his tears to theirs . You would think that Dad , at least , had a head on his shoulder . But , no , he , too , had to go along with the clever Else . I say that that girl 's spoiled ! " Very well , I will do so , dear Hans , " said she . And after Hans was gone she cooked herself some nice stew , and took it with her into the field . Stew . I would have fixed myself a sandwich , actually , since stews don 't keep well outside . Well , her prerogative , I guess . And when she got there , she said to herself , " Now , what shall I do ? shall I reap first , or eat first ? All right , I will eat first . " No , Else , you 're supposed to be working ! Then she ate her fill of stew , and when she could eat no more , she said to herself , " Now , what shall I do ? shall I reap first , or sleep first ? All right , I will sleep first . " I thought she was supposed to be clever . Then she lay down in the corn and went to sleep . And Hans got home , and waited there a long while , and Else did not come , so he said to himself , " My clever Else is so industrious that she never thinks of coming home and eating . " Well , at least he assumes the best . There are others who would assume the worst . . . I think she got the better end of the marriage . But when evening drew near and still she did not come , Hans set out to see how much corn she had cut ; but she had cut no corn at all , but there she was lying in it asleep . And he was severely disappointed , and he realized that he should have made his stipulation " industrious " instead of " careful . " Then Hans made haste home , and fetched a bird - net with little bells and threw it over her ; and still she went on sleeping . Um . . . Hans ? What are you up to ? And he ran home again and locked himself in , and sat him down on his bench to work . At last , when it was beginning to grow dark , Clever Else woke , and when she got up and shook herself , the bells jingled at each movement that she made . And since she was clever , she realized that she had bells on her . . . Then she grew frightened , and began to doubt whether she were really Clever Else or not , and said to herself , " Am I , or am I not ? " Or not . This reminds me of Alice in Wonderland , actually , when Alice is wondering if she 's still Alice , then decides that she isn 't and that she 's really Mabel . I know of three versions of this Fairy Tale . They 're pretty much similar for the first half , but the second halves are all different , and all funny ! The text and image come from this site . ' Why , whatever is the matter ? ' said her mother . ' Oh , mother ! ' says she , ' look at that horrid mallet ! Suppose we was to be married , and was to have a son , and he was to grow up , and was to come down to the cellar to draw the beer , and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him , what a dreadful thing it would be ! ' Then after a bit the father began to wonder that they didn 't come back , and he went down into the cellar to look after them himself , and there they two sat a - crying , and the beer running all over the floor . ' Whatever is the matter ? ' says he . ' Why , ' says the mother , ' look at that horrid mallet . Just suppose , if our daughter and her sweetheart was to be married , and was to have a son , and he was to grow up , and was to come down into the cellar to draw the beer , and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him , what a dreadful thing it would be ! ' ' Dear , dear , dear ! so it would ! ' said the father , and he sat himself down aside of the other two , and started a - crying . And I was hoping that the daughter only took after mom . No such luck , I guess . And he doesn 't even think to turn off the tap either ! And then they all started a - crying worse than before . But the gentleman burst out a - laughing , and reached up and pulled out the mallet , and then he said : ' I 've travelled many miles , and I never met three such big sillies as you three before ; and now I shall start out on my travels again , and when I can find three bigger sillies than you three , then I 'll come back and marry your daughter . ' So he wished them good - bye , and started off on his travels , and left them all crying because the girl had lost her sweetheart . ' Why , lookye , ' she said , ' look at all that beautiful grass . I 'm going to get the cow on to the roof to eat it . She 'll be quite safe , for I shall tie a string round her neck , and pass it down the chimney , and tie it to my wrist as I go about the house , so she can 't fall off without my knowing it . ' ' Oh , you poor silly ! ' said the gentleman , ' you should cut the grass and throw it down to the cow ! ' But the woman thought it was easier to get the cow up the ladder than to get the grass down , so she pushed her and coaxed her and got her up , and tied a string round her neck , and passed it down the chimney , and fastened it to her own wrist . At last he stopped and wiped his face with his handkerchief . ' Oh dear , ' he says , ' I do think trousers are the most awkwardest kind of clothes that ever were . I can 't think who could have invented such things . It takes me the best part of an hour to get into mine every morning , and I get so hot ! How do you manage yours ? ' Grandma , who I usually abbreviate to Gma on my blog , is my paternal grandmother . She 's the one who proofreads my books for me . She mastered and minored in Bible and Business in college , and as a result . . . became the church secretary . She 's not the secretary anymore , though . She 's now the church librarian . Grandpa , or Gpa , the grandparent I was named after . He used to teach math at the local college , but has since retired . He loves fishing , and running , and often takes me to races . He tends to just ' pick up things ' and he 's always bringing home the most interesting thing . He also likes to collect things for you - and has probably provided at least half of my nutcracker , giraffe and ladybug collections - especially the more unusual ones . Papa , my mom 's dad , is a mechanic , who 's recently retired . We used to call him Poppy , but when my cousin couldn 't say Poppy right , and Papa liked being called Papa better , we 've called him that . He has a tendency to tell stories that . . . may or may not be true . And he tells them so earnestly , you often wonder . He had my sister convinced that she would grow up into ' a dirty old man ' Grammy died almost three years ago . We still miss her , but we 've learned to cope . She was an adoptive woman , and there were plenty more than just her own grandkids who called her Grammy . She would had been Grammy to the world if it had been possible . Fill a large saucepan half - full of water ( helps if you add a pinch of salt and some vegetable oil ) . Brown Hamburger meat in a skillet . When you have a rolling boil , add the noodles and turn down the heat . When Hamburger meat is thoroughly browned , add Tomato sauce and spices to taste . When Noodles are at edible softness , strain and put back in the sauce pan . Add the Hamburger meat and Tomato sauce , serve , and enjoy ! The little girl was a creative little girl , however , and knew the perfect cure for everyone 's boredom . There were lots of balloons just sitting around - filled with regular air , not helium . The little girl came up with a brilliant game ! They could play keep the balloon in the air ! Now when the little girl had her sixth birthday , she had her party at her church . The big teenagers were blowing up balloons and goofing off , and came up with a game for them to play . Unfortunately , they wouldn 't listen to the little girl . The little girl kept trying to say that she had already invented this game , that she had already given it a name - Keep the Balloon in the Air and Don 't Pop it . Honestly , why is it always the YOUNGEST daughter who is the beauty of the family ? As the eldest daughter of my family , I think this is totally unfair . Could someone please tell me who I can complain to to get this slight righted ? Or not . I forgot . This is a Fairy Tale , and he 's a Fairy Tale character , who know 's the rule - animals are likely to talk and bring you good fortune . She said no , and would not hear of it ; so the man went out again , and settled with the White Bear that he should come again next Thursday evening , and get her answer . Then the man persuaded her , and talked so much to her about the wealth that they would have , and what a good thing it would be for herself , that at last she made up her mind to go , and washed and mended all her rags , made herself as smart as she could , and held herself in readiness to set out . Little enough had she to take away with her . Next Thursday evening the White Bear came to fetch her . She seated herself on his back with her bundle , and thus they departed . When they had gone a great part of the way , the White Bear said : " Are you afraid ? " And thus she rode far , far away , until they came to a great mountain . Then the White Bear knocked on it , and a door opened , and they went into a castle where there were many brilliantly lighted rooms which shone with gold and silver , likewise a large hall in which there was a well - spread table , and it was so magnificent that it would be hard to make anyone understand how splendid it was . The White Bear gave her a silver bell , and told her that when she needed anything she had but to ring this bell , and what she wanted would appear . So after she had eaten , and night was drawing near , she grew sleepy after her journey , and thought she would like to go to bed . She rang the bell , and scarcely had she touched it before she found herself in a chamber where a bed stood ready made for her , which was as pretty as anyone could wish to sleep in . It had pillows of silk , and curtains of silk fringed with gold , and everything that was in the room was of gold or silver , but when she had lain down and put out the light a man came and lay down beside her , and behold it was the White Bear , who cast off the form of a beast during the night . She never saw him , however , for he always came after she had put out her light , and went away before daylight appeared . Wait . . . she 's not gonna get eaten ! She gets to marry a handsome king ! ( even if she never get 's to see him ) Youngest daughters get all the luck . I 'm going back to writing that complaint and researching who to complain to . You know , I sometimes wonder how old this youngest daughter is if her brothers and sisters are still running around and playing . Well , this is a Fairy Tale , after all . You 're allowed to marry young . Although , why hadn 't her father married off her older sisters already and gotten them off his hands ? And she goes up and knocks at the door . Her dad answers . " Who are you ? " " Oh , I 'm your youngest daughter , the one you traded for all this . " Now they had everything that they wanted , and everything was as good as it could be . They all asked her how she was getting on where she was . All was well with her too , she said ; and she had everything that she could want . What other answers she gave I cannot say , but I am pretty sure that they did not learn much from her . But in the afternoon , after they had dined at midday , all happened just as the White Bear had said . Her mother wanted to talk with her alone in her own chamber . But she remembered what the White Bear had said , and would on no account go . " What we have to say can be said at any time , " she answered . But somehow or other her mother at last persuaded her , and she was forced to tell the whole story . So she told how every night a man came and lay down beside her when the lights were all put out , and how she never saw him , because he always went away before it grew light in the morning , and how she continually went about in sadness , thinking how happy she would be if she could but see him , and how all day long she had to go about alone , and it was so dull and solitary . " Oh ! " cried the mother , in horror , " you are very likely sleeping with a troll ! But I will teach you a way to see him . You shall have a bit of one of my candles , which you can take away with you hidden in your breast . Look at him with that when he is asleep , but take care not to let any tallow drop upon him . " So she took the candle , and hid it in her breast , and when evening drew near the White Bear came to fetch her away . When they had gone some distance on their way , the White Bear asked her if everything had not happened just as he had foretold , and she could not but own that it had . " Then , if you have done what your mother wished , " said he , " you have brought great misery on both of us . " " No , " she said , " I have not done anything at all . " So when she had reached home and had gone to bed it was just the same as it had been before , and a man came and lay down beside her , and late at night , when she could hear that he was sleeping , she got up and kindled a light , lit her candle , let her light shine on him , and saw him , and he was the handsomest prince that eyes had ever beheld , and she loved him so much that it seemed to her that she must die if she did not kiss him that very moment . So she did kiss him ; but while she was doing it she let three drops of hot tallow fall upon his shirt , and he awoke . " What have you done now ? " said he ; " you have brought misery on both of us . If you had but held out for the space of one year I should have been free . I have a step - mother who has bewitched me so that I am a white bear by day and a man by night ; but now all is at an end between you and me , and I must leave you , and go to her . She lives in a castle which lies east of the sun and west of the moon , and there too is a princess with a nose which is three ells long , and she now is the one whom I must marry . " I 'm cheering for the long - nose princess , myself . Ugly girls need their day in the sun . We beautiful gals get all of the princes . Let 's let one ugly princess get one of the princes . She wept and lamented , but all in vain , for go he must . Then she asked him if she could not go with him . But no , that could not be . " Can you tell me the way then , and I will seek you - - that I may surely be allowed to do ! " Okay . . . I 'm almost feeling sorry for the youngest . I mean , she was married to the prince . But . . . I 'm still working on that complaint about all of the most beautifuls being youngests . When she awoke in the morning both the Prince and the castle were gone , and she was lying on a small green patch in the midst of a dark , thick wood . By her side lay the self - same bundle of rags which she had brought with her from her own home . So when she had rubbed the sleep out of her eyes , and wept till she was weary , she set out on her way , and thus she walked for many and many a long day , until at last she came to a great mountain . You know , I 'm curious as to what happened to the wealth of her family . Did they loose it as well ? Or did they keep their wealth ? The Fairy Tale never says . Outside it an aged woman was sitting , playing with a golden apple . The girl asked her if she knew the way to the Prince who lived with his stepmother in the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon , and who was to marry a princess with a nose which was three ells long . " How do you happen to know about him ? " inquired the old woman ; " maybe you are she who ought to have had him . " " Yes , indeed , I am , " she said . " So it is you , then ? " said the old woman ; " I know nothing about him but that he dwells in a castle which is east of the sun and west of the moon . You will be a long time in getting to it , if ever you get to it at all ; but you shall have the loan of my horse , and then you can ride on it to an old woman who is a neighbor of mine : perhaps she can tell you about him . When you have got there you must just strike the horse beneath the left ear and bid it go home again ; but you may take the golden apple with you . " So the girl seated herself on the horse , and rode for a long , long way , and at last she came to the mountain , where an aged woman was sitting outside with a gold carding - comb . The girl asked her if she knew the way to the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon ; but she said what the first old woman had said : " I know nothing about it , but that it is east of the sun and west of the moon , and that you will be a long time in getting to it , if ever you get there at all ; but you shall have the loan of my horse to an old woman who lives the nearest to me : perhaps she may know where the castle is , and when you have got to her you may just strike the horse beneath the left ear and bid it go home again . " Then she gave her the gold carding - comb , for it might , perhaps , be of use to her , she said . So the girl seated herself on the horse , and rode a wearisome long way onward again , and after a very long time she came to a great mountain , where an aged woman was sitting , spinning at a golden spinning - wheel . Of this woman , too , she inquired if she knew the way to the Prince , and where to find the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon . But it was only the same thing once again . " Maybe it was you who should have had the Prince , " said the old woman . " Yes , indeed , I should have been the one , " said the girl . But this old crone knew the way no better than the others - - it was east of the sun and west of the moon , she knew that , " and you will be a long time in getting to it , if ever you get to it at all , " she said ; " but you may have the loan of my horse , and I think you had better ride to the East Wind , and ask him : perhaps he may know where the castle is , and will blow you thither . But when you have got to him you must just strike the horse beneath the left ear , and he will come home again . " And then she gave her the golden spinning - wheel , saying : " Perhaps you may find that you have a use for it . " The girl had to ride for a great many days , and for a long and wearisome time , before she got there ; but at last she did arrive , and then she asked the East Wind if he could tell her the way to the Prince who dwelt east of the sun and west of the moon . " Well , " said the East Wind , " I have heard tell of the Prince , and of his castle , but I do not know the way to it , for I have never blown so far ; but , if you like , I will go with you to my brother the West Wind : he may know that , for he is much stronger than I am . You may sit on my back , and then I can carry you there . " So she seated herself on his back , and they did go so swiftly ! When they got there , the East Wind went in and said that the girl whom he had brought was the one who ought to have had the Prince up at the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon , and that now she was traveling about to find him again , so he had come there with her , and would like to hear if the West Wind knew whereabout the castle was . " No , " said the West Wind ; " so far as that have I never blown ; but if you like I will go with you to the South Wind , for he is much stronger than either of us , and he has roamed far and wide , and perhaps he can tell you what you want to know . You may seat yourself on my back , and then I will carry you to him . " . So she did this , and journeyed to the South Wind , neither was she very long on the way . When they had got there , the West Wind asked him if he could tell her the way to the castle that lay east of the sun and west of the moon , for she was the girl who ought to marry the Prince who lived there . " Oh , indeed ! " said the South Wind , " is that she ? Well , " said he , " I have wandered about a great deal in my time , and in all kinds of places , but I have never blown so far as that . If you like , however , I will go with you to my brother , the North Wind ; he is the oldest and strongest of all of us , and if he does not know where it is no one in the whole world will be able to tell you . You may sit upon my back , and then I will carry you there . " So she seated herself on his back , and off he went from his house in great haste , and they were not long on the way . When they came near the North Wind 's dwelling , he was so wild and frantic that they felt cold gusts a long while before they got there . " What do you want ? " he roared out from afar , and they froze as they heard . Said the South Wind : " It is I , and this is she who should have had the Prince who lives in the castle which lies east of the sun and west of the moon . And now she wishes to ask you if you have ever been there , and can tell her the way , for she would gladly find him again . " Well , now she comes to the last of the four winds . North has GOT to know where to find lost prince . I 'm getting tired of this bouncing here and there and everywhere . " Yes , " said the North Wind , " I know where it is . I once blew an aspen leaf there , but I was so tired that for many days afterward I was not able to blow at all . However , if you really are anxious to go there , and are not afraid to go with me , I will take you on my back , and try if I can blow you there . " The North Wind woke her betimes next morning , and puffed himself up , and made himself so big and so strong that it was frightful to see him , and away they went , high up through the air , as if they would not stop until they had reached the very end of the world . Down below there was such a storm ! It blew down woods and houses , and when they were above the sea the ships were wrecked by hundreds . And thus they tore on and on , and a long time went by , and then yet more time passed , and still they were above the sea , and the North Wind grew tired , and more tired , and at last so utterly weary that he was scarcely able to blow any longer , and he sank and sank , lower and lower , until at last he went so low that the waves dashed against the heels of the poor girl he was carrying . " Art thou afraid ? " said the North Wind . " I have no fear , " said she ; and it was true . But they were not very , very far from land , and there was just enough strength left in the North Wind to enable him to throw her on to the shore , immediately under the windows of a castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon ; but then he was so weary and worn out that he was forced to rest for several days before he could go to his own home again . Next morning she sat down beneath the walls of the castle to play with the golden apple , and the first person she saw was the maiden with the long nose , who was to have the Prince . " How much do you want for that gold apple of yours , girl ? " said she , opening the window . " It can 't be bought either for gold or money , " answered the girl . " If it cannot be bought either for gold or money , what will buy it ? You may say what you please , " said the Princess . " Well , if I may go to the Prince who is here , and be with him to - night , you shall have it , " said the girl who had come with the North Wind . " You may do that , " said the Princess , for she had made up her mind what she would do . So the Princess got the golden apple , but when the girl went up to the Prince 's apartment that night he was asleep , for the Princess had so contrived it . You know , why do they always have to make girls known for their least attractive feature . I bet the princess with the Long nose also had long , beautiful golden hair , beautiful blue eyes , a perfect figure . . . You know , drop - dead gorgeous if it weren 't for . . . . that long schnoz . In the daytime she sat down once more beneath the windows of the castle , and began to card with her golden carding - comb ; and then all happened as it had happened before . The Princess asked her what she wanted for it , and she replied that it was not for sale , either for gold or money , but that if she could get leave to go to the Prince , and be with him during the night , she should have it . But when she went up to the Prince 's room he was again asleep , and , let her call him , or shake him , or weep as she would , he still slept on , and she could not put any life in him . When daylight came in the morning , the Princess with the long nose came too , and once more drove her away . When day had quite come , the girl seated herself under the castle windows , to spin with her golden spinning - wheel , and the Princess with the long nose wanted to have that also . Honestly , I would have thought that the gifts from the old women would have been a bit more . . . substantial . So , when the girl went into the Prince 's room this time he was awake , and she had to tell him how she had come there . " You have come just in time , " said the Prince , " for I should have been married to - morrow ; but I will not have the long - nosed Princess , and you alone can save me . I will say that I want to see what my bride can do , and bid her wash the shirt which has the three drops of tallow on it . This she will consent to do , for she does not know that it is you who let them fall on it ; but no one can wash them out but one born of Christian folk : it cannot be done by one of a pack of trolls ; and then I will say that no one shall ever be my bride but the woman who can do this , and I know that you can . " There was great joy and gladness between them all that night , but the next day , when the wedding was to take place , the Prince said , " I must see what my bride can do . " " That you may do , " said the stepmother . And they look at him like he 's crazy . Strange stipulation for your bride . " I want a bride who can wash my shirt . " Honestly , if they were smart , they would have realized that that was a trick of some sort . Well , that was a very small matter , they thought , and agreed to do it . The Princess with the long nose began to wash as well as she could , but , the more she washed and rubbed , the larger the spots grew . " Ah ! you can 't wash at all , " said the old troll - hag , who was her mother . " Give it to me . " But she too had not had the shirt very long in her hands before it looked worse still , and , the more she washed it and rubbed it , the larger and blacker grew the spots . Growing spots ! I love it ! So the other trolls had to come and wash , but , the more they did , the blacker and uglier grew the shirt , until at length it was as black as if it had been up the chimney . That 's the easy way to dye a shirt black . Or is it the hard way ? Unfortunately they were wanting to make the shirt WHITE , not black . " Oh , " cried the Prince , " not one of you is good for anything at all ! There is a beggar - girl sitting outside the window , and I 'll be bound that she can wash better than any of you ! Come in , you girl there ! " he cried . So she came in . " Can you wash this shirt clean ? " he cried . " Oh ! I don 't know , " she said ; " but I will try . " And no sooner had she taken the shirt and dipped it in the water than it was white as driven snow , and even whiter than that . " I will marry you , " said the Prince . I am , first a foremost , a Christian . I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was three and a half , and have never regretted the decision . I am secondly the eldest daughter ( and child for that matter ) of a homeschooling family . Third , I am the author of The Bookania Quests , The Ankulen , and The Rizkaland Legends . Fourth , I am a knitter / crocheter / aspiring herbalist . I think that sums me up . Hello ! I promised you a new site for Indie e - Con - and here it is . Just click this image I 'm still working on the main website . . . And , here we are , at the end of Indie e - Con . Well , except for the prizes tomorrow . Stay tuned for that . I 'm currently on the air over at . . . Hello ! I 'm popping in with a fun game . I 'll start , course , and you guys can keep it going . One point per comment , and you can c . . . Hello , and I 'm here today to share the WINNING entry for this year 's Indie e - Con Writing Contest ! WHOOO ! ! ! This story was written by . . .

My oldest son turned 10 years old today ! Wow I can 't believe I have a child in the double digits already ! I am just not old enough ! ; - ) For his birthday today , he got to watch all the tv he wanted ( he is a tv junkie , in spite of the fact that we only get 1 1 / 2 channels ! ) . He watched the usual shows , but this time didn 't have to bargain for them . His favorites are Arthur , Zaboomafoo , Between the Lions , and CyberChase . PBS just started showing George Shrinks in the afternoons , and he likes that one too . These are all kind of young shows for him , but we don 't get Nickelodeon or Disney ( I am * not * crying over that ! ) and these are semi - educational , so I am happy to let him watch them . Hey , he isn 't picking Barney or Jay Jay or Caillou , LOL . We had to go out shopping to get icing and cake supplies , because he chose to have a homemade cake instead of a bakery cake . All the other boys chose a bakery cake because they want the toys on top ; Troyer designed his own cake and created the topper . We also had to pick up dough for pizza . I didn 't have enough money to buy take out pizza ( we went to McDonald 's twice in the last 2 weeks , so bye bye money , lol ) , which he really wanted , but he was happy enough to have homemade . I also got some wrapping paper , and some milk . We got home in time for him to watch more tv , and I got to work on the cake . I have to say , I think the cake turned out ok . I didn 't have the right size decorating tool for writing , so I had to abbreviate and leave out his name , but he didn 't mind . He made car forms out of clay , and saved foil wrappers from way back at Valentine 's Day , lol , to wrap them in , and then drew up the Finish sign and taped it to straws . The roadway is chocolate sprinkles . Much tastier than black icing , if you ask me ! All in all , it is certainly not a professional job , but he is soooo proud of it , and if he is happy then that is what counts : - ) I made 3 pizzas , because most of the kids will only eat plain cheese pizza , but Troyer wanted pineapple on his , and Chris likes pineapple and olives , and I like mushrooms . I decided to make some of each and make everyone happy . Yum ! The cake tasted even better than it looked , and then Chris had a surprise , he had stopped at DQ on the way home and gotten 2 Treatsa Pizzas . Double Yum ! Of course by now no one was really that hungry any more , but there is always room for ice cream , lol . Next Troyer got to open his presents . He had a theme this year , in that most of his gifts were Muppet stuff . He loves Kermit the Frog and The Muppets . He got The Muppet Movie on DVD ( we have it on vhs but the dvd has all the extra interviews and stuff ) , a Muppet computer game , a Muppet beach towel , and a CD of Muppet songs from the tv show . He also got a Thomas DVD ( yes , he still likes to watch Thomas the Tank Engine . This makes Micah very happy ! ) and some Ninja Turtle bubble bath . His aunt got him a stuffed lemur that looks a lot like Zaboomafoo , that was a big hit ; and his other aunt got him a Bionicle , also a big hit . After all the gifts were opened , we listened to some of the songs on the CD and then it was bed time . Chris actually let me take a picture of him and Troyer together , and it turned out great ! There are precious few pictures of Chris anywhere that don 't have him making faces or trying to hide , lol . Posted by I have spent the last few days wandering through blog - land , reading strangers ' blogs . I just followed a link from one , and followed a link from that one , and so on . It was pretty fun ! Usually I don 't have time for that sort of thing , but this weekend Levi was just on a weird sleeping ( non - sleeping ? ) schedule , and some of my regular bloggers were away for the weekend or just not updating , so I had time on my hands . I must say , though , that I feel so inferior now ! Not only is my writing style nothing to shout about , but I can 't do the fancy stuff I 've seen on the other sites . I haven 't even figured out how to do the list of links yet . I know I know , once I stop procrastinating I can figure it out pretty easily ; I just haven 't felt like putting the effort into it . It is really neat to be able to read about other people 's daily lives and thoughts ; some of them make me feel grateful for the pretty easy life I have , others just make me laugh , and sometimes I can even identify with a particular experience . Mostly , though , I think it helps me see my own life in a different perspective . As a SAHM in a somewhat rural setting , I can get kind of isolated and start to get bogged down in the annoying things in my life . For a while a few years back , I got so bogged down I became depressed enough that it affected my family , and it took a year or two of talking with a therapist to climb back out of it . It feels funny to admit that , but at the same time , I am glad that was all it took , and that I didn 't need to take any medications , so it didn 't affect my pregnancy / breastfeeding cycle . It also helped after the sessions stopped , because I can still use today what I learned then . This period now , post - partum just 6 weeks out , I find myself coming closer to that edge again ; add to that the stress of my dh 's new job , plus having to move , and homeschooling 3 kids . I am sleep deprived and most likely nutrition deprived too . I have too much time to think about how fat I am , how messy / dirty my house is , what a bad job I 'm probably doing tI 'm finding it hard to come and post here , because I feel like I can 't write as well as others , and I don 't have any fancy stuff in my posts or in my sidebar . I 'm pleased with myself for just getting pictures on here ! lol But I am also somewhat inspired too . One of these days I 'll get it figured out . We went out yesterday , were gone for the whole day , from 7 am until 9 : 30 pm . So what do you think happened ? One of the roofing guys FINALLY called me back ! ! ! But was I here to take his call ? Noooooo . Aaarghh ! ! ! ! ! Luckily he gave me his cell phone number and I was able to call him today . He is going to come over on Sunday to look at the damage and see how much needs to be done . Let us hope we have good weather again next week ! ! ! ! On Tuesday the boys were out playing in the yard until dusk . Samuel and Micah , as usual , attracted all the mosquitos . Samuel got quite a few bites on his face . On Wednesday morning his eyelid was swollen , and we figured he 'd gotten a bite on the lid . His bites always swell up more than normal , but they usually don 't bother him and they go away fine . We weren 't really too worried about it . Well , today it was worse ! Plus , there is no center to the swelling where the bite would be . I can 't figure out what happened . He says it doesn 't hurt , just itches a little when he touches it . He is really good at not bothering it . I hope I don 't need to worry . I got extra lucky last night , because Levi slept ! ! ! He was up a lot , but kept going back to sleep in the bassinette , so I actually got some sleep last night ! ! ! Wow , I wasn 't expecting it . I even got a shower this morning ; good thing , too , since I have my 6 week check up tonight . Wow , Levi will be 6 weeks old tomorrow , already ! That went fast ! Today Chris and I went down to the area we are moving to , and drove around a bit to look at what is for sale . Chris had a meeting at the office of his company that he will be transfering to after we move , so I suggested we all go down together and while he was in his meeting , I 'd drive around and look at houses . We got down there about 9 : 30 am and dropped Chris off at his building . We all got to go inside because he needed help carrying in papers and things . The office is in a renovated factory building , and is really neat inside . They have an elevator in the center of the building that has an open side with a window ; the boys thought that was really cool , lol . After we dropped him off , and I nursed the baby , and changed Micah out of his pajamas into shorts ( we waited to change him because it was pretty cold when we left , but knew it was going to get hot later in the day ) , and passed out some snacks , it was after 10 . First we drove west , and looked at 3 houses in that direction . The boys were terribly thirsty from the crackers they had eaten , but oops , there wasn 't any water in the car , so I tried to stop at a McDonald 's and get drinks . Unfortunately , the one that was right where we were had a delivery truck blocking the drive through , so we couldn 't get any drinks there . That meant I had to hear about thirsty thirsty thirsty for 2 more hours , lol . I liked the first house we found , but it is in a development , so I don 't think Chris will go for it . He really wants a rural farmhouse type property . I think he is going to be out of luck , actually , because those are all pretty expensive , and our price range is pretty low . The second house was just as nice , but the neighborhood it is in was a little bit run down looking . The third house we saw was on a bigger road , and it looked even more run down that the other neighborhood . We drove back out of that town , hoping to see that the delivery truck had moved away from the McDonald 's drive through , but no luck , it was still there . From there I wanted to head north of where we started , but I had not printed out any maps that showed a way to drive that way directly . I didn 't want to drive all the way back past Chris ' office and then head north , that seemed too out of the way , so I just guessed at a left turn off the main road I was on and hoped it would take me to the main road north that I wanted . The boys got really freaked out that I didn 't really know where I was going , LOL . I kept saying , I don 't know where we are , but as long as the signs keep saying East it should take us where we want to go . They didn 't like that , LOL . In the end , I was exactly right , it took us to exactly the right place . I 'm so awesome , LOL . I headed north , and soon came to house # 4 . It was a very nice looking house , in a quiet wooded neighborhood ; unfortunately it was built in an area on top of a steep hill . The house itself was supposed to have almost a half acre of property , but if it did , the back half of it was all cliff . Certainly not a yard the kids could play in . Oh well . Darn , it had 6 bedrooms , I was excited about that ! LOL On to # 5 . # 5 was just a bit further north , but I had promised the boys a drink , and I knew there was a McDonald 's in the area we were at . It was now over an hour after the snacks , and they were all whining . I was pretty thirsty too , even though I hadn 't eaten any of the crackers . So instead of taking the quick way to the next house , we drove past the McDonald 's and got drinks . Caleb had fallen asleep and woke up grumpy , he complained and cried for the next half hour . blech . We got back on track and found # 5 pretty easily . It looked like a nice property , but it was too hard to see the house from the road , it seemed to be back behind another house . It was a big property , 10 acres , so we are guessing that the house itself must be a pretty big dump . I just couldn 't tell . By now it was almost time we were supposed to meet Chris at his office to pick him up for lunch . I had miscalculated a bit when we arranged it , though , and hadn 't figured in the getting ready to go at first and the stopping for drinks while out , so we were about 15 minutes late . We headed out of town to go to his sister 's house and meet her for lunch . Unfortunately , Chris forgot the best way to get out of town towards where we wanted to go , and we ended up taking the long way . It made us pretty late , it was almost 2 when we got to his sister 's house . I had arranged to meet a realtor down there and talk with her about properties , but she had to leave town at 3 , so it was too late . Oops . Well , we got to relax at SILs for a few hours , and Chris took a little nap , so that was nice . She made us chicken rice soup for lunch / dinner ( since we ate it at 3 : 30 , LOL ) and the boys watched some tv while Chris checked out some of the new improvements they had done to the house . We had also arranged to meet his mother after she got out of work . She works in an elementary school , so she was home by 4 . After eating and letting the boys run for a bit , we drove over to MILs to see her . She had surgery this summer , back in July , and was still recovering when Levi was born , so was uThe last house we drove past was very nice . It was on a short quiet dead and street and was very nice looking , as nice as the picture that I had found online . It was closer in to town than Chris liked , but it was not in a development , which was a plus . His only real objection with that one was the price , it was just out of our range . Darn , lol . But at least we found something that fit what we wanted ! We got to that one just before dark , and then it was finally time to head home . Poor Chris was so afraid of getting lost , driving around on roads he normally doesn 't drive on . I suppose he would have been freaked out earlier in the day , just like the boys , LOL , but I wasn 't worried . Most of the roads out there will eventually lead to a main road that we recognize and we would know where we were going . I was right , and got us back on the route we usually take to get home from MILs , no problem . About an hour later we were on the highway , heading home , when the van started making a ticking noise . It grew louder and louder , and was definitely from the engine . It grew to a knocking noise , and became pretty clear it was an oil issue . We had not planned to stop on the way home ; Chris wanted to go in to work early the next day to make up some of the hours he had taken off to drive around house hunting , and so didn 't want to get home late . Well , the van had other plans , so we stopped off at an exit with a McDonald 's and I got the boys dinner while he put more oil in the van . It 's a good thing he did , because he said it was about 3 quarts low . Oddly , the gauge hadn 't shown a problem with oil pressure , we had had no idea about it until it started knocking . Luckily the McD 's was next to a convenient store , because we only had 2 quarts in the van , he had to go buy 2 more . He said he got the last 2 on the shelf ! lol The boys were pretty happy that we had to stop , because they got food out of it . Poor Levi was not so happy when it was time to get going again . He was soooo good all day , but he was really sick of his car seat ! LOL So we got home about 9 : 30 and put the boys right into bed . Levi actually didn 't stay up much longer , which surprised me , I figured he 'd be up all night after sleeping in the car so much ; but maybe his crying from the McD 's until home wore him out , lol . Of course , he is up now , and there is no telling when he will be going back to sleep . Oh well , LOL . Overnight on Thursday night , the remnants of Ivan came north and dumped some rain on us . It rained from Friday morning until early morning Saturday . I had to run out for bread and milk on Friday afternoon , and we were probably lucky we got done when we did . I decided to try Levi out in my sling for the first time ; I figured he 'd stay drier than trying to carry the infant seat into the store . I think I was right , but we were still pretty wet . Yuck . We got home just at dark . By then it was raining pretty hard and the water was all over the roads . I am really glad that Chris had decided to clean the gutters earlier this summer , we had no water in our basement ! Most of our neighbors were not so lucky . When we woke up Saturday morning , our neighbor to the right side of us had water in their yard all the way up to their front steps . Their back yard usually has water in it after a rain , but I had never seen it come up around the front of the house . The side road was washed out on either side of the culvert . It is just a gravel road , not paved , so all the stones were washed downstream . Our neighbor to the left has a gravel driveway that is parallel to the stream , and the stones had all been washed into the grass last week during Frances ; this rain just took them further down the yard , lol . Our yard didn 't have any water in it : - ) . I think we got about 6 . 5 inches of water or so , at least that is how much was in our pool , which we had emptied before the rain . Chris took the boys to church and I had intended to follow him about an hour later with Levi , but I got a call from a friend who said Chris didn 't want me to come after all . ( Our church has no phone at the moment , so our friend had to go to a nearby house to call ; Chris didn 't call because he was busy cleaning the church basement of all the water down there ) It turned out that he had to try several different ways to get to church , and all had roads closed from rising streams . He finally found a way in , but he had the big van ; he didn 't think I should chance it with thGretchen On Tuesday we had our first realtor walk through the house . I am having 3 or 4 come through and give me a spiel , then Chris and I will choose which one we like best to list our house . I liked this first realtor , she was very nice , not too " salesman - like . " She had emailed me an initial guess at property value after just driving by the house last week . After walking through , however , she knocked the price down a few thousand dollars . Just confirming what I already knew , I live in a hovel , LOL . No really , not that bad , but it really does need a lot of work . Painting and carpet , etc . Even more frustrating is Chris ' unwillingness to do any work on the house , any more than he is forced to . For instance , a few of our shutters ( cheapie aluminum ones ) had blown off our house , some before and one soon after , we moved in , years ago , and he never wanted to spend the money to replace them . It looks dumb , but how could I argue about the money , kwim ? But now , for curb appeal , they need to be replaced ; but he refuses . He sees it as a waste of money . If * we * bought the house with shutters missing , why wouldn 't someone else ? Well , because other people actually care what their house looks like ? ? ? Grrr . I 'm wishing now we had gotten new carpet 5 years ago , so the old stuff we have now wouldn 't be even older and more gross . I am now beginning to understand why Chris was thinking our house would be on the market a long time ; if he isn 't going to do any work to make it look nice OF COURSE it won 't sell ! ! ! Grrr . We have another realtor coming today . Luckily for me the boys were on their best behavior on Tuesday , I hope they are as good again today . I have to post this picture of Levi , just to remind myself that he * does * actually sleep sometimes , lol . Yesterday morning he was up from 3 am until 8 : 30 ! Aaaugghh . Obviously by the time he fell asleep , the rest of the boys were up and bickering and chasing and screaming and throwing cereal and making a mess in every room of the house , and probably doing some bleeding somewhere in there too , Gretchen Levi is one month old today ! He has grown so much already , he is not a newborn anymore . He is finally starting to sleep better now . He sleeps best with me , unfortunately for chris , lol . But at least I have figured out how to get some sleep for myself ; - ) . Today I made appointments with 2 different realtors to come over this week and look at my house , and give me an evaluation of its worth , and maybe some hints on what to do to help it sell . Actually , I know already the number one tip will be , Declutter . My house is just full of piles of junk . It 's all stuff I like and want to keep , but have nowhere to put it . I am going to have to let go and give it up . Today I had a good start . I cleaned off my refrigerator . It might not be the place most people would think to start , but it was the least painful for me , LOL . The front of my fridge was virtually papered in pictures of the kids , and artwork , and a huge collection of magnets . Once I got that cleaned off , I took down a bunch of stuff from the walls of the kitchen . Birthday cards , more artwork , postcards . It looks a lot different now , and I haven 't even finished yet , LOL . Caleb followed me around while I worked , and he is really getting into the whole move thing . He kept asking , will we take the dishes too ? Will we take our coats ? Will we take the peanut butter and jelly ? LOL The answers to that being , yes , yes , and no , we will eat it all and buy more when we get there , lol . I am thinking maybe I should take before and after pictures , and keep track of my progress ; maybe that will motivate me to get more done . A big problem with trying to clean up for me is where to put the stuff I box up ? The reason it is in piles everywhere is because there is no place for it ! I will throw a lot away , but there is still a lot that I need to just store somewhere . I know I will be happy when I get it done , but it 's hard to get started ! Posted by First I want to post a Happy Birthday to Chris ! His birthday was last week , I just haven 't had time to post about it until now . I spent the day cleaning up the kitchen and baking him a cake ( he prefers homemade to store - bought ; I guess he doesn 't need all those cool cake topper toys like the boys want LOL ) , and getting the boys to sign a card for him . I had to run out the night before to buy the card , nothing like waiting until the last minute ! Of course , it was the night that the remnants of Frances hit us , so lots of flooding and standing water on the roads , yuck . Also , Levi was having a growth spurt or something last week , he wasn 't sleeping well , and wanted to eat constantly ! That and dragging him out in the rain made for a pretty lousy shopping trip to WalMart , LOL . It was worth it , though ; Chris enjoyed his birthday . I had the cake ready by the time he got home , and made pizza for dinner . I even put olives on one for him , and as a special treat left off the mushrooms ; - ) . Chris is funny about them , he says he doesn 't like to eat fungus on his pizza LOL . Poor Micah , he was very impatient for the cake . He ate quickly and finished first , and had a tantrum that he had to wait for everyone else to * gasp * have more than one piece , LOL . Finally he got his cake , and he was happy again . Yesterday I had planned for a deep clean of the house . We are starting the motions for our move , so we need to get the house ready to sell . I have already been on line looking at the houses in the area we are moving to . It was a beautiful day , I had considered driving down to check out some of the houses I had seen , but then realized that we are not anywhere near ready to make any offers , and by the time we are , for sure the houses out there now will be sold already . So cleaning sounded good instead . The day started out ok , I also planned to give the boys haircuts , desperately needed , since it was nice out . I did get that done , and Chris supervised the cleaning of the play room and the living room . Then for some inexplicable reason , he decided to go mess with the toilet . It has been clogging a lot lately , so he was just going to try to clear it . Then he decided the problem was that the toilet wasn 't level , so he emptied it and took it up . Please note that he didn 't warn anyone that he was going to do this , and give us all an opportunity to use it first before he took it out of commision ! I had also planned to run to the bank and open an account for Levi , finally getting rid of the $ 34 in pennies and nickels I had rolled and sitting in my kitchen . I thought it was also a good chance to get Noah in for his birthday portrait . My trip was delayed a bit when Chris had to run to Lowe 's to get a seal for the toilet . He left us here with nowhere to " go " lol . Finally I got out with Noah and Levi , it was already after 2 . Keep in mind that I had had to go to the bathroom since 11 : 30 ! I told him I couldn 't wait any more to go out , I had to find a rest room ! LOL Levi finally decided to behave and was perfect for our trip . We went to the bank , and he slept through it ; we drove up to McDonald 's to get Noah lunch , but oops , there was a power outage and they were closed . Oops , WalMart was also closed , so no portrait for Noah . It was after 3 : 15 now , and he was hungry ( and I still had to go to the bathroom ) ! We drove across town to the other McDonald 's , and ate inside . Levi slept through that too : - ) . Our last stop was the grocery store to use up my coupons that were going to expire that day . He slept all the way until the check out . I couldn 't get mad at him for waking up as we stood on line . I fed him as soon as we got back out to the car , and he was good until we got home . I did have to feed him again when we got home , and the groceries had to wait to be unpacked , but again , he 'd been so good , who could blame him ? I was disapPosted by I had a busy weekend last week . My sister Aimee came to visit with her two kids , they stayed from Friday to Monday . Our birthday was Wednesday , so we figured we 'd do something fun while she was here . We rented a bunch of " chick flicks " that our dhs would never sit through , and got lots of snacks . It was great ! LOL We were disappointed by Drop Dead Gorgeous , it was much darker and less funny than we expected . I liked Miss Congeniality better ( saw that one a while ago ) . We loved The Importance of Being Earnest , I think we will have to watch that one again , the kids kept interrupting and we missed some dialogue . We rented Osmosis Jones for the kids ; I think it was more for older kids than the under 10 crowd we had here . I hope most of the referrences went over their heads ! lol We also watched Win a Date With Tad Hamilton , which was ok , but I found kind of annoying . We almost got Love Actually and Laws of Attraction , I think we should have gone with those , lol . On Saturday we all went to church together ; it was the first time I took the baby in , and I was a little disappointed that more people didn 't stop to say hi and take a peek at him . Oh well , that usually annoys me , lol . After church , Aimee and I took Levi and my niece and left early while Chris stayed with the other 6 boys to have lunch . Chris made the soup so he had to stay to serve it . He says it turned out really well , he didn 't even burn it : - ) . We girls took a drive to go visit our sister Michelle , who was camping with her family at Raystown Lake . It is about an hour and 15 minute drive from my house , but since we left from the church I was going a different way , and missed a turn , so it ended up being almost 2 hours . Oops ! lol Levi got hungry on the way , so we stopped at a McDonald 's for a coke and directions , and Levi got a snack and a clean diaper . We finally reached the campground at 3 . The weather was very warm in the car , but down at the lake it was beautiful , with just enough of a breeze to keep the bugs away . We stayed for dinner at the campsite , aThe boys had a great time with their cousins , my nephew is a huge Bionicle fan along with my boys , so they were in heaven trading sets and building new stuff . My poor neice felt a little left out , as we have a shortage of girls here ; - ) . I had a beautiful Rapunzel Barbie for her , though . She loved that . Monday was Chris ' and my 12th anniversary . It 's hard to believe it 's been that long already . It doesn 't feel like it ! He got me flowers and a card , woo hoo ! I love flowers , and I appreciate his getting them for me , especially because his philosophy about them is why spend the money when they will just die ? But I like them , thank you . Unfortunately , Levi didn 't cooperate with MY plans for our anniversary , for later that night : - ( We 're waiting for a raincheck on that LOL . Today I got a package in the mail . A very large package . It was labelled Baby Style on the outside , so I knew it was a gift for the baby . Obviously an expensive one , so I knew it was from my aunt . I was intrigued what she could choose that would be so big . I opened it to find . . . a Monkey Chair . Yikes . Definitely not something I would have chosen , LOL . Absolutely not something I 'd pay $ 60 for ! ( the price tag was still on it ) That would have been about 6 packs of disposable diapers , something I 'm * going * to be paying for , LOL . Why is it that people who don 't have small kids ( my cousins are all grown now ) have little taste and absolutely NO recollection that more big stuff is NOT good ? LOL Well , the older boys are having a great time jumping on it and karate kicking it and in general treating it badly , lol . Well , actually , yesterday was my birthday , but I wanted to wait until the end of the day to post , just in case something special happened ; silly me , lol . It 's the mom 's job to make her kids ' days special , but who is around to make her day special ? No one . Oh well . The kids did make me nice birthday cards , which they woke me up at 7 am to give to me , because they were so excited about them . This was after Levi was up from 1 : 30 to 5 am , and was on his way to sleeping until 9 am . I missed out on the last 2 hours , lol . I ended up not posting after all last night , because I was so tired I couldn 't keep my eyes open to write . I decided to skip school yesterday ; I just wasn 't up to fighting about it , so we took a holiday . Chris says he emailed me to say Happy Birthday , but I didn 't get any , so I guess it got lost in cyberspace . He did get me a card and a bag of M & Ms , but I didn 't know about them until he came home from work . I talked to my sister , A , whose birthday it was also : - ) , and we talked about nothing for probably over an hour . That 's always fun ! I decided to ask Chris when he got home if I could go out with the baby and just drive through at McDs and eat in the car , to have a little quiet time to myself . He wasn 't thrilled at the idea , as he wanted to mow the lawn , but I ( maybe not so gently ) told him that I didn 't consider mowing the lawn to be a good birthday present , LOL . He let me go ; - ) . The weather was really nice , so I enjoyed it a lot . It was just what I needed . Once again last night , Levi was up a few hours in the middle of the night , so I didn 't get enough sleep . Ugh , it 's starting to take its toll on me . I 'm thinking of skipping school again today . Well , that 's why we started so early , way back at the end of July ; I figured I 'd be missing a few days here and there after the baby was born . I was right ; - )

Stuff I wrote on vacation : Wednesday , June 22It is odd being so far away from any connection to the ' nets . Here I sit with my laptop , but there is no signal to catch , no Ethernet cord to pull into the computer . There is a phone line , but there is no service to call . The caretaker , who lives in the other cottage , does have internet via dish and I know I could go over to the other cottage and use her computer , but I don 't think I should . The temptation to stay would be too great . I will be spending some time there teaching my father how to use a Kindle . He is , some of you may recall , teaching in China next year . Before I got here he had never heard of a Kindle . He decided very immediately that he had to have one , particularly since he was going to China . He knew it was going to be difficult for him to learn how to use one , since all the only thing he knows how to do with a computer is check his email , but , well , this is just one of those must learn situations . It wasn 't a must - learn situation yet though . I offered to show him how the Kindle worked . He said he wouldn 't be able to remember . He 'd figure it out when he got one . So we will go to the use the caretaker 's computer later . I will happily buy a book , download it to the computer and then transfer it to the Kindle via USB cord . Here , as in China , it is the only way to get the Kindle to work . At least I hope it will work in China . He doesn 't know anything about what sort of internet access he will have . Not that he would understand if anyone told him . He claims never to have heard of Amazon . com . I 'm very curious as to whether he will be able to remember anything about how to use it . My father is of course a very intelligent man . If it is literature , he knows it . Other things though are a challenge . Every time he visits me he has been impressed by the closed captions on the TV . I turn them on whenever I watch because it is so difficult to catch all the words if the kids are talking . My father though is losing his hearing and has no hearing aids . ( NPosted by While we were in the mountains I had no internet or even cell phone access . I did have a computer with a word processing program though . I wrote six pages over the 8 days we were there . Mostly what drove me to the computer was my father , although not all of it was bad . I need to go back though and decide what , if anything , to publish . It was pleasant . Gary and Brian went out hunting varmits every day . Since Nephew wasn 't there and the caretaker taught them how to use the guns , I took a deep breath and coped . Brian shot two grey squirrels . He gutted , skinned , and ate both of them . The first he cooked over the fire . The second the caretaker breaded ( floured ) and fried for him . He also got a jack rabbit , which isn 't apparently good to eat . He wanted the pelt though . I got kids to play cards or scrabble with me every day . It was fun . We played in the lake a lot . It was good . Now we are back in civilization . We went to the touristy shops . I got my sister a necklace and earring set that are not as nice as the one from which I lost an earring during my June visit , but I think she will like it . I took the kids to my childhood home . It is not nearly so pretty as when my mother planted flowers and mowed the grass . Now it is quite wild , but it was good . I took them down the street ( well , two miles down ) to the park where we played and hung out . They were very impressed with the area where I lived . Someday I will stop being so secretive about my identity and I will tell you . You too will be impressed , I promise . Tonight we are going to eat at a local landmark . Sigh . This extreme anonymity thing can make for some boring posts . The Shih Tzu had a good time in the mountains , but then Shih Tzu 's are pretty much always happy . . . at least if you are with them . He however got covered , more than once , with burrs . His fur was just over an inch long , but we still could not get them out without scissors . He looked quite ridiculous . We got him a grooming appointment though . The groomer was excessively cheerful , but the dog looks good . We are haPosted by The trip was mostly wonderful , except when it really stunk . Let 's just say that my father decided to do the whole trip clean and sober and there were two afternoons where , if I could have bought him a joint , I really might have considered it . After a lifetime of chemical assistance , he is not good at managing his emotions . But it was mostly wonderful . I will write more later . It got excessively hot and I just don 't do hot well . I grew up in a place where cool was the norm . I live where summer heat is often above 100 and don 't want more of the same on vacation . Yesterday I woke up and asked everyone if they minded leaving a day early . Everyone was okay with it . We cleaned and packed and organized and left . Fortuantely the caretaker works in a town near my father 's , as she is today bringing down all the things we forgot in our hurried departure . Today we have a full day in the area in which I grew up . First on the agenda is getting the dog to a groomer . We should have got him a close clip before we left . Instead he had a month 's growth which left him with just over an inch of fur . That is not good when you are in the mountains surrounded by burs and other stickery things . We had to cut alot of stuff off . He looks horrible - - you know , like someone who knows nothing about cutting hair cut off chunks with a pair of kitchen shears . I will be back later with many fun updates . Oh , I haven 't had much on - line time , and I haven 't been able to make myself open Google Reader . The thought it just too overwhelming . If anyone had any major life event I should know about , please tell me . Well , the first leg of the journey is over . We left the house at 6am and pulled into the hotel almost 12 hours later . That 's about what I expected , given that Google maps said 10 hours travel time . Roland , Brian , Gary and I went to get dinner . We are in a tiny town ; Roland didn 't want to eat anywhere local and unpredictable . We ended up at Denny 's . Ugg . Alice and Andrew stayed with the puppy while we ate and in exchange get to eat by themselves . Pretty good deal . I really need to accept the fact that I have asthma . I don 't just have asthma in the winter or when I exercise vigorously . I just have it . I need not to stop using my daily inhaler because it is summer . You know , because I could end up on a trip with the Shih Tzu on my lap and an air conditioner vent blowing right over it . Tomorrow we drive fourish hours ( not counting stops , and there is a mighty tempting place to stop ) to the city where my father lives . There we will eat lumch and shop . After that it is 2ish hours of curly mountain roads . I 'm thinking about take motion sickness meds and sleeping . Gary is still a blast to take on vacation . Though he came out last year , Still , going on a trip for fun is still new and exciting for him . He appreciates views . Well , I 'm going to sign off . I don 't anticipate having internet access again for a while . I 've decided to turn off comment moderation . Be good , y ' all . Well , she 'll pull it back together , but I happened to call her when she finally had some time alone so she could , you know ? The smallest problem is that they are going to have to stay in hotel rooms for 2 or 3 months . There was a small house they could rent , but it turned out they would have to pay thousands in deposits and hook - up fees and they just can 't do that . They did find a hotel room with a full kitchenette , where " full " means 2 burners . That hotel does have suites with bedrooms , but none that are available for 2 - 3 months . The only room they can stay in the whole time is a one - room suite . She is nervous that the she and the kids will go crazy in there . She is not hearing from anybody regarding Nephew . Right now she feels like the fire marshal promised intervention services only to get a full confession so she could close the case . She did find out that Nephew can see the therapist he previously established a relationship with , but she 's setting that up all on her own . She wants Nephew to get help , but also thinks that having some contact with juvenile justice would be good for him . She doesn 't want him to go to detention , but she needs for him to understand that this is serious . I don 't know if she thought about it in quite this way , but she was hoping that the fire would be a transforming event for her husband . She expected that having his son burning his things in the basement , nearly burning down the house and killing the family would make him reconsider his parenting approaches . Nope . Oh , he isn 't hitting the kids because Sis won 't leave him alone with the kids . He isn 't even insulting the kids , much , because Sis yells at him every time he starts . She 's really unhappy and can 't imagine being married to him forever . Of course , she is currently a full - time student and I don 't think she is making very much money from cleaning . My brother in law has a regular leave in August but she says she is going to tell him not to bother coming home . She will use the cramped hotel room as an excuse . I don 't know what hPosted by Yesterday I was making people crazy , acting like my mother in law . " Do you have something to read in the car ? You know we could spend 40 hours total driving . " " Did you get your prescriptions filled ? " " Does everyone know where their mp3 players / Gameboys / cell phones are ? Well , are you going to be able to travel without complaining if you don 't find them ? " I resisted the urge to ask them to predict exactly where on the trip they would want to stop for lunch so that I could do internet research and find somewhere interesting to eat . I 'm a bit nervous because on Monday we are committed to 10 hours driving time . I don 't think Roland fully realizes that that does not mean 10 hours travel time . I 'm planning on getting everyone into the van by no later than 6am . We have hotel reservations for Monday evening . Tuesday it is 3 - 4 hours to the town where my father lives . We will get lunch , shop , and drive the next 2 + hours to the cottages . Plans for who will sleep where keep getting shifted around . Now that my sister and her kids aren 't coming at all , we have more options . Right now it looks like Alice and I will share a bedroom , Roland and Andrew will share , and Brian and Gary will be in blow - up mattresses in the living room . We did buy Gary the tent and thin air mattress he wanted . He insists that he is going to sleep outside . I have my doubts about that . He said once that he knew just where he could put the tent - - he just would need to " dig down to get rid of the rocks . " I did try to explain that it is a mountain and it is rocks all the way down , but I don 't think he believes me . He also was under the impression that he was going to be able to have a camp fire burning all night to keep away the wild animals , but that isn 't going to happen . Last year he closed the window over his bed because he heard some sort of critter outside and it made him nervous . He insists that it won 't make him nervous when he is in a tent . Right . In any case , he has it . I am , by the way , just hip enough to think it is sort of silly that I am bunkinPosted by I am going to be monitoring comments for a while , but I want to talk about why . There have been some harsh comments left here . They have not been directed at me , but rather at someone for whom I have been sympathetic . Well , one comment directed to me was perhaps harsh , but also entirely fair . I expressed sympathy for foster parents who had to let a child go and did not express any sympathy for the child who was about to lose yet another family . That commenter was correct , and I offer no defense . I wish I had given expression to my feelings and thought for not only the foster parents but the also for the child , whose welfare is the point of what we do , and for the child 's parent who , from what I have read , loves his son and is struggling to be the parent again . Comments left here regarding the other foster parents I think have been too harsh , and I am sorry that I brought negative attention to them . I think that as foster parents we have to be able to take that sort of negative attention . We are the only members of this system who chose to play a part . The children and their parents certainly did not chose this . Parents were told that they were not good enough to take care of their kids , that those kids would go somewhere safe , to someone who could and would take care of them . That someone who was supposed to do a better job was us . When parents are told that we are better caretakers for their children than they are , and then we disrupt a placement for whatever reasons , those children 's parents are not unreasonable in their fury . How was this better than being with them ? Of course , I cannot say that it is . There are so many cases , and it is easy for all of us , natural parents , foster parents , and adoptive parents to see all cases as similar to ours . I have given care to boys whose parents were in jail , dead , or , in Gary 's case , have refused to take them home . I have no doubt that they love their children fiercely , but providing them with care is not something they could do , at least not at the time . It is fairly easy Yondalla You know , like when they hear that a soldier 's house burned so they get that soldier on a plane right away , before anyone was able to talk to the soldier first to say , " Hey , um . . . your son set the fire . Maybe you want to take a couple of deep breaths before you go home . " So shortly after talking to me on Sunday , after telling me that BIL would be delayed for some unspecified amount of time , she was informed that she needed to go pick him up at the airport . Nephew got permission to spend a couple of days , or weeks , whatever , with some neighbors and Sis and the nieces went to pick up BIL . The nieces told sis that they were getting stomach cramps from being anxious . So , they got BIL and drove back to a buffet and when the girls had filled their plates Sis held BIL back and told him that Nephew set the fire , and that the fire department , children 's services , and EVERYone knew EVERYthing . She told him that Nephew was at a neighbor 's because he was afraid . Apparently he coped with it fairly well , although that maybe partly shock . Sis didn 't give me a lot of information about how BIL took it all . BIL however did call Nephew and told him it was okay and asked if he wanted to swim with him at the hotel . Sadly , BIL did not have swimming trunks . By the time he bought some and got Nephew it really was too late to swim . Nephew feels like it was just a trick to get him to come back . BIL had one conversation alone with Nephew . After that Nephew went to walk the dog with Sis and , In Sis 's words , " It was Dad this , and Dad that , the whole time . " When she got back she took a walk with BIL and told him that he cannot be alone with Nephew . She said it was partly for his ( BIL ) protection . Things were too tense right now and Nephew could report anything . She also said that she loved him , but couldn 't tell him why . She said she wanted to stay married , but not like this . Things would have to change and he would have to go to therapy . Her voice was shaking with fury whenever she talked about BIL . All of her anger about the fire , about everyPosted by It is ultimately a good thing that BIL is in town right now . I mean the fire marshal from the juvenile program interviewed Nephew on Friday . By law she has to report what she learned to CPS within 48 hours . Having the abusive a - hole in town might mean that more is done in response to the report . One can hope . I called my sister 's cell phone . Nephew answered it . I woke him up , cause he is a teenager and sleeps all day . Sis is at the house doing inventory and may be there all day . . . . . and my brother in law is with her . He will be home for 2 weeks . I was hoping for something different , but there it is . I asked Nephew how stressful it was to have his Dad back . He said a lot . He seemed sort of wary , wondering if I was going to lecture him . He asked if we were going to the cottages and then said that maybe he would still get to fly out on his own . " Probably not though , but I want to . " I didn 't respond to that because I don 't think the authorities would allow him to and I we don 't want to be responsible for him here . So I asked him if he could keep himself safe ( " yeah " ) and if he was seeing his therapist soon ( " I don 't know " ) . I said I hoped it was soon because I thought he probably needed someone to talk to ( " Yeah " ) . Then I told him that I hoped he knew that we all believed in the man he could grow up to be . " I have confidence in you , Nephew . You can do this . " " Yeah , I know " he said , sounding in that teenager tone that sounds like " yeah , whatever " but is cover for " thank you . " ( BTW , " Yeah , I guess so " is often teenager for " would you really ? that would be SO GREAT . Sadly it is not cool for me to appreciate you , but yes , I would like you to do that . " ) I finished off say , " Okay , well , work hard , climb mountains , be great ! " He laughed and said , " Bye Aunt Yondalla . " " Bye Nephew . " - - - Meanwhile , I am hoping that my BIL is able to cope with this in a non - abusive manner . I have my doubts . I don 't think he is capable of forgiving , even if he combines that with being stern . I 'm afraid that the best he may be able to accomplish will be ignoring Nephew , shunning him . I 'm afraid that that will not be much better , if it is better at all . I don 't know what will happen , but I am nervous . My thoughts keep drifting back to the fire that my nephew set . I get burning his dad 's things . Makes perfect sense . Setting fire to some of his things , going to bed and pretending to sleep while waiting for the fire alarm to go off is much more difficult to understand . Did he have a rescue fantasy ? Did he , I don 't know , just want to get caught ? I suddenly remembered that Sis said BIL was due to come home for a couple of weeks sometime soon . That Nephew would escalate now makes perfect sense . At some level it is a scream for help . " MY DAD IS COMING BACK . SOMEONE HELP ME . " I get that . I want to believe that if he had continued with his counseling this would not have happened . He might have been able to tell his therapist that he was afraid of his dad coming back and that he was burning his dad 's stuff and thinking about setting a bigger fire . Anyway , I read a long handbook ( well , skimmed some parts of it ) about Juvenile Firesetter Intervention . I also looked at the web pages for his state and town . It is giving me a better idea of what the process is . They have had an initial interview with a fire marshal which has determined that a juvenile is responsible for the fire . So a fire marshal from the Juvenile Intervention program has conducted longer interviews with Nephew and Sis . They have learned that he has set many fires in the past , has experimented with accelerants , has done so in order to destroy his father 's property ( i . e . he hasn 't just been curious and experimenting ) . One reason this particular fire is troubling is that he made no attempt to put it out or get help , or even supervise it to ensure it did not get out of control . He went to bed and pretended to be asleep . It is not clear what he imagined was going to happen . Did he have a fantasy about rescuing them ? Did he intend to kill them all ? There is no evidence of this , at least not so far . Or did he just imagine that this time people would see without having a clear thought about what exactly would happen ? Though I am curious about his intent because I wanPosted by * * Note : I published this first on the private blog but decided to bring it over here . * * Well , Sis was pretty upset . Nephew has been setting fires for a while . He has been playing around with various substances including fertilizer . The whole NPR story on making homemade fireworks was really a bad idea for him . I 'm not blaming NPR , by the way . Nephew has access to information and was accessing it from before the story . Anyway , Sis of course is worried that her son is a terrible person , will grow up to be a terrible person . She was in something of a shock . Her son set fire to their house . The fire was right below the hall outside her door . The wicker shelf outside her door caught on fire after they got out . If she had not woke up in time she and the girls might not have been able to get out . Nephew 's room was on the other side . He would have made it . I calmed her some , I hope . What Nephew had set fire to was actually some of his dad 's things . He has been burning up his father 's stuff , a bit at a time , for a while now . It is certainly serious and it needs to be responded to , but the house fire was a terrible and unintended consequence of his actions . He did not intend to set fire to the house and he did not intend to hurt anyone . One of the things he needs to learn is that his actions can have consequences far beyond what he intends , but I encouraged Sis to remember that he wasn 't trying to burn up the house . Fortunately , the authorities now know all about his father and the church . They know about his father because they know why he set the fire . They know about the church because the fire marshall made them sign a form allowing them to release information to other people for their own protection . They wanted the pastor to know , and my sister had to explain why that might not be safe for Nephew . I don 't know if they will do anything , but at least they know . I was a bit tough on my sister . I told her that her kids grew up believing that God thinks they should be beaten . That can mess you up pretty bad . All things considerPosted by Nephew set the fire . It was not an accident . A fire marshall that deals with children spent an hour talking to him , and Nephew finally confessed . Now , to be fair , he intended to burn a couple of things in the basement . The fire marshalls found evidence that he had done so in the past . Nephew did NOT intend to set fire to the house . Of course , he is in serious trouble with the authorities . Sis said he will have to go one full year with no trouble before he will be in the " all clear . " I 'm not certain if he will be charged with anything in juvenile court . I would imagine so . He has mandated counseling and more . His father is being kept in Iraq , talking with a specialist there until they believe he has processed it . They won 't let him come home until they are confident that he is under control . * * * And on a happier note my sister said she told the insurance agent that she had no idea how to find furnished apartment for three months . They told her that they would have someone look next week for her . When they have something that fits her stated needs , they 'll take her to look at it . Oh , and I was able to relieve her of one worry . She said her cell phone bill was going to be outrageous . I told her to go the office and tell them that she has been needing her phone more than usual and ask them to change her plan . I know Veriz * n would back - date it and I am guessing Spr * nt will too . I also talked to her for quite a while about how I thought that Nephew had every chance to grow up to be a good man . He was a kid with a good heart who was struggling with a lot of pain . He needs people around him to take seriously what he did . He is going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions , but at the same time he needs people to believe that he is not an evil person . Posted by Namely , my sister 's . Every one 's fine . So NPR had a story about how to make your own fireworks . I didn 't hear it , did you ? Sis and Nephew tried some of them in the back yard but it did not work as expected . Nephew , without Sis knowing , took one of the duds into the basement to ponder . It sat there , on the seat of a vinyl chair while the family watched a DVD . No one noticed any smell or heat . They went to bed . Sometime later the smoke alarm went off . Sis woke up first . She woke up Niece1 . They woke up Niece2 & Nephew . Sis had the dog . One of the nieces stood at the door and called for the cat who dashed out and has yet to be found . Sis doesn 't know if the fire department contacted the Red Cross or if they just saw the report on the news . In any case , BIL is on his way back from Iraq . Sis doesn 't know how long he will be there . Nephew has asked to stay with his favorite aunt and uncle who live about 2 hours away . Sis is going to let him . Anyway , the fire was mostly contained to the basement , however intense heat and smoke filled the house . Everything in the house that had any vinyl or plastic is melted . That includes the finish on the cupboards and the entire TV , but not their cell phones and lap tops . Oh , and their shoes . The kids sneakers melted , but Sis still has some dress shoes . The good news is that they have good insurance . It will pay for somewhere for them to live for 2 - 3 months , and for the replacement of everything destroyed , all they have to do is save the receipts . They handed her a check for $ 3000 , told her to get a hotel and buy what they needed right away . They will work out the rest as they go . So . She 's not going to the cottages this summer . I 'm told her I would call our parents . She particularly wants me to contact Dad and tell him they are not going to make it to the cottages . And on the news report she quoted a Bible verse . She even showed up at the evening service in singed clothes . She is TOTALLY back on the Pastor 's " good " list . They are getting quite a bit of support and assistance . And that 's thePosted by I stopped trying to keep a blog roll a long time ago . There are just so many foster care blogs , and sometimes people just stop writing . So maybe they should be taken off , except then sometimes they start back up again . So I switched to this notification box feature a while back . ( On the side bar . . . scroll down a bit ) . Many of you have it on your blogs . The way it works is that it gives a link to the 10 most recent posts from my list of foster care blogs . In order to get it to say " Yondalla " and not " MyRealName " I had to set up a separate Google Reader under the name " Yondalla . " * That means that I have two readers , the one where I do my reading , and the one where I list all the blogs for the notification box . Sometimes this means that I will be reading a blog for a long time and THINK I have copied it into the notification system when I haven 't . Anyway , I 've updated it . I found several blogs that I thought were there that weren 't . Sorry . I no longer go searching for foster care blogs . I generally find new ones because the author commented here . If you write a foster care blog and you aren 't set up for notification leave a comment and I will check you out and probably add you . I rarely remove anyone so if you take a hiatus and then start writing again , your new post will show up here . Oh , the easiest way to figure out if you are on the list is to check out the box an hour or so after you have published . Well , maybe give it a couple of hours . Sometimes Google is really weird about taking time to get things on the reader . - - * You only see " Yondalla " if you click at the bottom to read more . For Gary that is . See one of the conditions of his probation is getting at least C 's in all his classes . He got two D 's this past semester . Now technically , that 's a probation violation and violations are felonies for which he may be sentenced 180 days in detention . So the PO could have reported him for one OR TWO violations and then required him to spend as many days as she thought was necessary . No one thought she would do that , although we weren 't sure that she wouldn 't make him spend 10 - 30 days in lock - up . She sent me a letter and I , as requested , called her back . I told her that Gary hadn 't , technically , been lying to her when he told her his grades were fine . He remembers what grades he received on the work he has done and it has always been good . The problem is that some large assignments overwhelmed him and he didn 't do them at all . When he reported on his grade he underestimated the effect that has . That made her feel better about it all . She decided that she didn 't need to come out right now to sit down and talk to him . She will come out the week before school and warn him that if his grades don 't come back up she will make him go back to the regular high school . I told her I hoped it didn 't come to that because he the big high school was so emotionally stressful for him . She says she doesn 't want that to happen either . So , I reported to Gary what she said . He wanted to know how angry she was ; he doesn 't like it when she is angry . He felt better after , although he did protest that there was nothing anyone could do to make him work harder than he wanted to work . Even if she had sent him to detention it wouldn 't bother him . His social worker had said that it might be good for him to spend two weeks in detention while we were on vacation . He said , " Two weeks ? And then I get to COME HOME AFTER ? Ha ! That 's NOTHING . " I asked him though if she really could make him switch schools . He said she can make him do anything she wants , because if he doesn 't , she can send him to detention . He wasn 't laughing then . So I talked with Andrew again about being willing to buy him more plane tickets home . I wanted to know how many he needed . He responded with reasonable confusion and asked me how many I was thinking about buying . I explained that I knew he was young and in love and consequently stupid . I was afraid that he might be thinking of leaving the college where he is and come back here . I was willing to buy plane tickets in order to counteract that stupidity and keep him where he belonged . He laughed , but just a little . He said he was glad that I told him , otherwise he would be thinking that seeing Alice more AND saving me money on plane tickets would both be reasons for coming back . He wanted to know if it was really such a bad idea to come back . I told him that if he wanted to major in science , business , or fine arts it would be fine . He however is interested in areas that overlap with mine . He would be taking courses from people I work with very closely . I didn 't think he would be happy there . He nodded . So I asked him again how often he wanted to come back . I assured him that I was willing to buy him tickets to come home twice during the quarter . I was afterall getting off pretty light with his education . He had a full scholarship for tuition and his grandfather - funded college fund was paying for his room and board . All I had to buy were books and plane tickets , and the tickets weren 't that bad - - just one discount airline plane ride away . He said he would like two flights home per quarter . That would mean they would see each other every 3 or 4 weeks . I know that is still an eternity for those who are young and in love , but hopefully it is enough to keep him where he is . Update : I did tell him that I would be willing to buy Alice tickets to spend the weekend there . He likes the idea , but has to come up with a plausible plan for where she can spend the night . I understand that she may end up spending the night in Andrew 's room , especially if he can predict when he roommate will be out of town , but she can 't announce that iYondalla I 've been thinking about how I comment on blogs , about what sort of comments are helpful . I 've tried thinking about the comments that I get that are helpful to me . ( First , let me say that I have like 100 blogs in my Google Reader . I read all the posts . I click through and comment maybe four to six times a day . That means I don 't comment nearly as much as I probably should . ) I think we all appreciate comments telling us that a post we wrote was good in some way . I know I like hearing that a post made someone laugh , or think about something in a different way , or just that they have found something I wrote helpful in some way . I assume I am not all that different from other people . Comments of encouragement are great too . I 've been exceptionally lucky in the past few months in that my children aren 't putting me through the emotional wringer . Partly that is because they are making good decisions and partly it is because I am not letting myself get too worried about their less - than - good decisions . Still , when I have gone through tough times just hearing that someone is pulling for me , or has confidence that I am going to get through this , or something can be helpful . BTDT ( been there done that ) comments are also often great . Sometimes just knowing that someone has lived through the same experience and come out the other side gives me hope . I leave those sometimes . I have absolutely nothing " helpful " to say to someone who is struggling , with a situation , but I remember being there . I got a response the other day to someone who said that my description of a similar situation made her laugh out loud . I don 't think it was particularly funny , or wouldn 't have been to anyone who hadn 't lived through it . She was though , and my description made her laugh . I hope it helped her keep going , even if it didn 't give her any idea of how precisely to do that . I also appreciate , and sometimes leave , comments that I classify as " ideas , not advice . " I TRY not to give people advice , particularly that advice that given with the tone that sayPosted by We had our monthly drop - in from the social worker . She likes us because we never need her . Of course I reminded her that in the past I have sometimes had a lot of needs . I didn 't specifically point out that at the end with Frankie I was calling her quite a bit . We had a nice visit . I told her when we were leaving for vacation . She asked if we had told the state worker . I responded that we hadn 't and she said she would take care of that for us . I gave her a copy of Gary 's grades and she gave him a gentle lecture about the D 's . She told me that she doubted that the PO would violate his probation over it , although agreed that his chances of getting off supervised probation * were certainly less . We talked about whether he was up to date on all his medical stuff , and we told her stories about what was going on . We talked about his girlfriend and her very protective mother . I told her that I was tempted to tell the mother not to worry , that Gary was very responsible and that we made sure he had access to condoms . She thought that was hilarious and told her own story that begins , " I always had a drawer where I kept condoms . I told my girls that they could always take them for themselves or for friends . . . " It was an interesting story . I remembered to ask her about Frankie . I told her that I knew there was a limit , but what could she tell me ? She said he was doing really well . He was living in a emancipation home . It is a staffed facility that is helps boys to develop the skills to live independently . He is studying for his GED and has a summer job . She says he is doing really well . She will send me the facility 's phone number so I can call if I like . When she left she asked if we were driving or flying on our vacation . I said that we were driving and that I needed to so that I could drive away if necessary - - there is a certain amount of anxiety when I am with my father . " Your father will be there ? " " Well . They are his cottages , so yeah . " " Ugg . Family vacations . " " It 's okay . He 's mellowed in his old age . " " Well the pot helps , " saPosted by I am not worrying about the fact that Gary hasn 't called his PO in weeks , perhaps months . He is supposed to call every Tuesday . She has been wanting to get him off supervised probation for a year , but it is only recently that it has seemed possible . She sent him a message through his social worker saying that he needed to send in his court fees so she could process him . He did some weeding for us to earn the $ 20 . Roland wrote the check , gave him an envelop and stamp , and we think he probably mailed it in . He 's nervous though because he got two D 's . That is a probation violation . That means that he PO could make him spend time in the detention center . She probably won 't . Probably . She would certainly have a conversation with him about it , and she absolutely wouldn 't request that he be released from supervised probation when he is not currently in compliance with his probation conditions . Now I am not worried about this is the sense that I have any anxiety about it . I am however very curious about it . Periodically I can 't resist asking him if he has called . I really want to know what is going to happen . When he tells me he hasn 't called I feel a disappointment similar to finding out that the sequel to the book I just read hasn 't come out yet . Does that sound heartless ? I don 't mean for it to . I hope for his sake that he doesn 't have to spend a few days in detention . I know he would hate it . I would hate it for him . If he went I would be very sad for him . I won 't be sad if he stays on probation . Though I don 't think he needs or deserves to still be on probation , I do find it convenient . This whole , he has to be home by 8 : 00pm thing is really convenient for me . It is one of the ways my parenting has changed over the years . When we started this 9 years ago I would have thought that making sure he called and informed the PO of everything was my job . Now I know it is his , and I am just curious as to how it is all going to turn out . I 'll let you know when I do , of course . Update : He overheard me asking Roland about it , and askPosted by Daughter , sister , wife , mother , foster - parent blog writer , philosophy professor . . . I am and have been many things . These days my identities as a teacher of bioethics and the daughter of a woman with Parkinson 's and dementia lead me to agree with Peter Singer , " It 's different when it 's your mother . "

Stuff I wrote on vacation : Wednesday , June 22It is odd being so far away from any connection to the ' nets . Here I sit with my laptop , but there is no signal to catch , no Ethernet cord to pull into the computer . There is a phone line , but there is no service to call . The caretaker , who lives in the other cottage , does have internet via dish and I know I could go over to the other cottage and use her computer , but I don 't think I should . The temptation to stay would be too great . I will be spending some time there teaching my father how to use a Kindle . He is , some of you may recall , teaching in China next year . Before I got here he had never heard of a Kindle . He decided very immediately that he had to have one , particularly since he was going to China . He knew it was going to be difficult for him to learn how to use one , since all the only thing he knows how to do with a computer is check his email , but , well , this is just one of those must learn situations . It wasn 't a must - learn situation yet though . I offered to show him how the Kindle worked . He said he wouldn 't be able to remember . He 'd figure it out when he got one . So we will go to the use the caretaker 's computer later . I will happily buy a book , download it to the computer and then transfer it to the Kindle via USB cord . Here , as in China , it is the only way to get the Kindle to work . At least I hope it will work in China . He doesn 't know anything about what sort of internet access he will have . Not that he would understand if anyone told him . He claims never to have heard of Amazon . com . I 'm very curious as to whether he will be able to remember anything about how to use it . My father is of course a very intelligent man . If it is literature , he knows it . Other things though are a challenge . Every time he visits me he has been impressed by the closed captions on the TV . I turn them on whenever I watch because it is so difficult to catch all the words if the kids are talking . My father though is losing his hearing and has no hearing aids . ( NPosted by While we were in the mountains I had no internet or even cell phone access . I did have a computer with a word processing program though . I wrote six pages over the 8 days we were there . Mostly what drove me to the computer was my father , although not all of it was bad . I need to go back though and decide what , if anything , to publish . It was pleasant . Gary and Brian went out hunting varmits every day . Since Nephew wasn 't there and the caretaker taught them how to use the guns , I took a deep breath and coped . Brian shot two grey squirrels . He gutted , skinned , and ate both of them . The first he cooked over the fire . The second the caretaker breaded ( floured ) and fried for him . He also got a jack rabbit , which isn 't apparently good to eat . He wanted the pelt though . I got kids to play cards or scrabble with me every day . It was fun . We played in the lake a lot . It was good . Now we are back in civilization . We went to the touristy shops . I got my sister a necklace and earring set that are not as nice as the one from which I lost an earring during my June visit , but I think she will like it . I took the kids to my childhood home . It is not nearly so pretty as when my mother planted flowers and mowed the grass . Now it is quite wild , but it was good . I took them down the street ( well , two miles down ) to the park where we played and hung out . They were very impressed with the area where I lived . Someday I will stop being so secretive about my identity and I will tell you . You too will be impressed , I promise . Tonight we are going to eat at a local landmark . Sigh . This extreme anonymity thing can make for some boring posts . The Shih Tzu had a good time in the mountains , but then Shih Tzu 's are pretty much always happy . . . at least if you are with them . He however got covered , more than once , with burrs . His fur was just over an inch long , but we still could not get them out without scissors . He looked quite ridiculous . We got him a grooming appointment though . The groomer was excessively cheerful , but the dog looks good . We are haPosted by The trip was mostly wonderful , except when it really stunk . Let 's just say that my father decided to do the whole trip clean and sober and there were two afternoons where , if I could have bought him a joint , I really might have considered it . After a lifetime of chemical assistance , he is not good at managing his emotions . But it was mostly wonderful . I will write more later . It got excessively hot and I just don 't do hot well . I grew up in a place where cool was the norm . I live where summer heat is often above 100 and don 't want more of the same on vacation . Yesterday I woke up and asked everyone if they minded leaving a day early . Everyone was okay with it . We cleaned and packed and organized and left . Fortuantely the caretaker works in a town near my father 's , as she is today bringing down all the things we forgot in our hurried departure . Today we have a full day in the area in which I grew up . First on the agenda is getting the dog to a groomer . We should have got him a close clip before we left . Instead he had a month 's growth which left him with just over an inch of fur . That is not good when you are in the mountains surrounded by burs and other stickery things . We had to cut alot of stuff off . He looks horrible - - you know , like someone who knows nothing about cutting hair cut off chunks with a pair of kitchen shears . I will be back later with many fun updates . Oh , I haven 't had much on - line time , and I haven 't been able to make myself open Google Reader . The thought it just too overwhelming . If anyone had any major life event I should know about , please tell me . Well , the first leg of the journey is over . We left the house at 6am and pulled into the hotel almost 12 hours later . That 's about what I expected , given that Google maps said 10 hours travel time . Roland , Brian , Gary and I went to get dinner . We are in a tiny town ; Roland didn 't want to eat anywhere local and unpredictable . We ended up at Denny 's . Ugg . Alice and Andrew stayed with the puppy while we ate and in exchange get to eat by themselves . Pretty good deal . I really need to accept the fact that I have asthma . I don 't just have asthma in the winter or when I exercise vigorously . I just have it . I need not to stop using my daily inhaler because it is summer . You know , because I could end up on a trip with the Shih Tzu on my lap and an air conditioner vent blowing right over it . Tomorrow we drive fourish hours ( not counting stops , and there is a mighty tempting place to stop ) to the city where my father lives . There we will eat lumch and shop . After that it is 2ish hours of curly mountain roads . I 'm thinking about take motion sickness meds and sleeping . Gary is still a blast to take on vacation . Though he came out last year , Still , going on a trip for fun is still new and exciting for him . He appreciates views . Well , I 'm going to sign off . I don 't anticipate having internet access again for a while . I 've decided to turn off comment moderation . Be good , y ' all . Well , she 'll pull it back together , but I happened to call her when she finally had some time alone so she could , you know ? The smallest problem is that they are going to have to stay in hotel rooms for 2 or 3 months . There was a small house they could rent , but it turned out they would have to pay thousands in deposits and hook - up fees and they just can 't do that . They did find a hotel room with a full kitchenette , where " full " means 2 burners . That hotel does have suites with bedrooms , but none that are available for 2 - 3 months . The only room they can stay in the whole time is a one - room suite . She is nervous that the she and the kids will go crazy in there . She is not hearing from anybody regarding Nephew . Right now she feels like the fire marshal promised intervention services only to get a full confession so she could close the case . She did find out that Nephew can see the therapist he previously established a relationship with , but she 's setting that up all on her own . She wants Nephew to get help , but also thinks that having some contact with juvenile justice would be good for him . She doesn 't want him to go to detention , but she needs for him to understand that this is serious . I don 't know if she thought about it in quite this way , but she was hoping that the fire would be a transforming event for her husband . She expected that having his son burning his things in the basement , nearly burning down the house and killing the family would make him reconsider his parenting approaches . Nope . Oh , he isn 't hitting the kids because Sis won 't leave him alone with the kids . He isn 't even insulting the kids , much , because Sis yells at him every time he starts . She 's really unhappy and can 't imagine being married to him forever . Of course , she is currently a full - time student and I don 't think she is making very much money from cleaning . My brother in law has a regular leave in August but she says she is going to tell him not to bother coming home . She will use the cramped hotel room as an excuse . I don 't know what hPosted by Yesterday I was making people crazy , acting like my mother in law . " Do you have something to read in the car ? You know we could spend 40 hours total driving . " " Did you get your prescriptions filled ? " " Does everyone know where their mp3 players / Gameboys / cell phones are ? Well , are you going to be able to travel without complaining if you don 't find them ? " I resisted the urge to ask them to predict exactly where on the trip they would want to stop for lunch so that I could do internet research and find somewhere interesting to eat . I 'm a bit nervous because on Monday we are committed to 10 hours driving time . I don 't think Roland fully realizes that that does not mean 10 hours travel time . I 'm planning on getting everyone into the van by no later than 6am . We have hotel reservations for Monday evening . Tuesday it is 3 - 4 hours to the town where my father lives . We will get lunch , shop , and drive the next 2 + hours to the cottages . Plans for who will sleep where keep getting shifted around . Now that my sister and her kids aren 't coming at all , we have more options . Right now it looks like Alice and I will share a bedroom , Roland and Andrew will share , and Brian and Gary will be in blow - up mattresses in the living room . We did buy Gary the tent and thin air mattress he wanted . He insists that he is going to sleep outside . I have my doubts about that . He said once that he knew just where he could put the tent - - he just would need to " dig down to get rid of the rocks . " I did try to explain that it is a mountain and it is rocks all the way down , but I don 't think he believes me . He also was under the impression that he was going to be able to have a camp fire burning all night to keep away the wild animals , but that isn 't going to happen . Last year he closed the window over his bed because he heard some sort of critter outside and it made him nervous . He insists that it won 't make him nervous when he is in a tent . Right . In any case , he has it . I am , by the way , just hip enough to think it is sort of silly that I am bunkinPosted by I am going to be monitoring comments for a while , but I want to talk about why . There have been some harsh comments left here . They have not been directed at me , but rather at someone for whom I have been sympathetic . Well , one comment directed to me was perhaps harsh , but also entirely fair . I expressed sympathy for foster parents who had to let a child go and did not express any sympathy for the child who was about to lose yet another family . That commenter was correct , and I offer no defense . I wish I had given expression to my feelings and thought for not only the foster parents but the also for the child , whose welfare is the point of what we do , and for the child 's parent who , from what I have read , loves his son and is struggling to be the parent again . Comments left here regarding the other foster parents I think have been too harsh , and I am sorry that I brought negative attention to them . I think that as foster parents we have to be able to take that sort of negative attention . We are the only members of this system who chose to play a part . The children and their parents certainly did not chose this . Parents were told that they were not good enough to take care of their kids , that those kids would go somewhere safe , to someone who could and would take care of them . That someone who was supposed to do a better job was us . When parents are told that we are better caretakers for their children than they are , and then we disrupt a placement for whatever reasons , those children 's parents are not unreasonable in their fury . How was this better than being with them ? Of course , I cannot say that it is . There are so many cases , and it is easy for all of us , natural parents , foster parents , and adoptive parents to see all cases as similar to ours . I have given care to boys whose parents were in jail , dead , or , in Gary 's case , have refused to take them home . I have no doubt that they love their children fiercely , but providing them with care is not something they could do , at least not at the time . It is fairly easy Yondalla You know , like when they hear that a soldier 's house burned so they get that soldier on a plane right away , before anyone was able to talk to the soldier first to say , " Hey , um . . . your son set the fire . Maybe you want to take a couple of deep breaths before you go home . " So shortly after talking to me on Sunday , after telling me that BIL would be delayed for some unspecified amount of time , she was informed that she needed to go pick him up at the airport . Nephew got permission to spend a couple of days , or weeks , whatever , with some neighbors and Sis and the nieces went to pick up BIL . The nieces told sis that they were getting stomach cramps from being anxious . So , they got BIL and drove back to a buffet and when the girls had filled their plates Sis held BIL back and told him that Nephew set the fire , and that the fire department , children 's services , and EVERYone knew EVERYthing . She told him that Nephew was at a neighbor 's because he was afraid . Apparently he coped with it fairly well , although that maybe partly shock . Sis didn 't give me a lot of information about how BIL took it all . BIL however did call Nephew and told him it was okay and asked if he wanted to swim with him at the hotel . Sadly , BIL did not have swimming trunks . By the time he bought some and got Nephew it really was too late to swim . Nephew feels like it was just a trick to get him to come back . BIL had one conversation alone with Nephew . After that Nephew went to walk the dog with Sis and , In Sis 's words , " It was Dad this , and Dad that , the whole time . " When she got back she took a walk with BIL and told him that he cannot be alone with Nephew . She said it was partly for his ( BIL ) protection . Things were too tense right now and Nephew could report anything . She also said that she loved him , but couldn 't tell him why . She said she wanted to stay married , but not like this . Things would have to change and he would have to go to therapy . Her voice was shaking with fury whenever she talked about BIL . All of her anger about the fire , about everyPosted by It is ultimately a good thing that BIL is in town right now . I mean the fire marshal from the juvenile program interviewed Nephew on Friday . By law she has to report what she learned to CPS within 48 hours . Having the abusive a - hole in town might mean that more is done in response to the report . One can hope . I called my sister 's cell phone . Nephew answered it . I woke him up , cause he is a teenager and sleeps all day . Sis is at the house doing inventory and may be there all day . . . . . and my brother in law is with her . He will be home for 2 weeks . I was hoping for something different , but there it is . I asked Nephew how stressful it was to have his Dad back . He said a lot . He seemed sort of wary , wondering if I was going to lecture him . He asked if we were going to the cottages and then said that maybe he would still get to fly out on his own . " Probably not though , but I want to . " I didn 't respond to that because I don 't think the authorities would allow him to and I we don 't want to be responsible for him here . So I asked him if he could keep himself safe ( " yeah " ) and if he was seeing his therapist soon ( " I don 't know " ) . I said I hoped it was soon because I thought he probably needed someone to talk to ( " Yeah " ) . Then I told him that I hoped he knew that we all believed in the man he could grow up to be . " I have confidence in you , Nephew . You can do this . " " Yeah , I know " he said , sounding in that teenager tone that sounds like " yeah , whatever " but is cover for " thank you . " ( BTW , " Yeah , I guess so " is often teenager for " would you really ? that would be SO GREAT . Sadly it is not cool for me to appreciate you , but yes , I would like you to do that . " ) I finished off say , " Okay , well , work hard , climb mountains , be great ! " He laughed and said , " Bye Aunt Yondalla . " " Bye Nephew . " - - - Meanwhile , I am hoping that my BIL is able to cope with this in a non - abusive manner . I have my doubts . I don 't think he is capable of forgiving , even if he combines that with being stern . I 'm afraid that the best he may be able to accomplish will be ignoring Nephew , shunning him . I 'm afraid that that will not be much better , if it is better at all . I don 't know what will happen , but I am nervous . My thoughts keep drifting back to the fire that my nephew set . I get burning his dad 's things . Makes perfect sense . Setting fire to some of his things , going to bed and pretending to sleep while waiting for the fire alarm to go off is much more difficult to understand . Did he have a rescue fantasy ? Did he , I don 't know , just want to get caught ? I suddenly remembered that Sis said BIL was due to come home for a couple of weeks sometime soon . That Nephew would escalate now makes perfect sense . At some level it is a scream for help . " MY DAD IS COMING BACK . SOMEONE HELP ME . " I get that . I want to believe that if he had continued with his counseling this would not have happened . He might have been able to tell his therapist that he was afraid of his dad coming back and that he was burning his dad 's stuff and thinking about setting a bigger fire . Anyway , I read a long handbook ( well , skimmed some parts of it ) about Juvenile Firesetter Intervention . I also looked at the web pages for his state and town . It is giving me a better idea of what the process is . They have had an initial interview with a fire marshal which has determined that a juvenile is responsible for the fire . So a fire marshal from the Juvenile Intervention program has conducted longer interviews with Nephew and Sis . They have learned that he has set many fires in the past , has experimented with accelerants , has done so in order to destroy his father 's property ( i . e . he hasn 't just been curious and experimenting ) . One reason this particular fire is troubling is that he made no attempt to put it out or get help , or even supervise it to ensure it did not get out of control . He went to bed and pretended to be asleep . It is not clear what he imagined was going to happen . Did he have a fantasy about rescuing them ? Did he intend to kill them all ? There is no evidence of this , at least not so far . Or did he just imagine that this time people would see without having a clear thought about what exactly would happen ? Though I am curious about his intent because I wanPosted by * * Note : I published this first on the private blog but decided to bring it over here . * * Well , Sis was pretty upset . Nephew has been setting fires for a while . He has been playing around with various substances including fertilizer . The whole NPR story on making homemade fireworks was really a bad idea for him . I 'm not blaming NPR , by the way . Nephew has access to information and was accessing it from before the story . Anyway , Sis of course is worried that her son is a terrible person , will grow up to be a terrible person . She was in something of a shock . Her son set fire to their house . The fire was right below the hall outside her door . The wicker shelf outside her door caught on fire after they got out . If she had not woke up in time she and the girls might not have been able to get out . Nephew 's room was on the other side . He would have made it . I calmed her some , I hope . What Nephew had set fire to was actually some of his dad 's things . He has been burning up his father 's stuff , a bit at a time , for a while now . It is certainly serious and it needs to be responded to , but the house fire was a terrible and unintended consequence of his actions . He did not intend to set fire to the house and he did not intend to hurt anyone . One of the things he needs to learn is that his actions can have consequences far beyond what he intends , but I encouraged Sis to remember that he wasn 't trying to burn up the house . Fortunately , the authorities now know all about his father and the church . They know about his father because they know why he set the fire . They know about the church because the fire marshall made them sign a form allowing them to release information to other people for their own protection . They wanted the pastor to know , and my sister had to explain why that might not be safe for Nephew . I don 't know if they will do anything , but at least they know . I was a bit tough on my sister . I told her that her kids grew up believing that God thinks they should be beaten . That can mess you up pretty bad . All things considerPosted by Nephew set the fire . It was not an accident . A fire marshall that deals with children spent an hour talking to him , and Nephew finally confessed . Now , to be fair , he intended to burn a couple of things in the basement . The fire marshalls found evidence that he had done so in the past . Nephew did NOT intend to set fire to the house . Of course , he is in serious trouble with the authorities . Sis said he will have to go one full year with no trouble before he will be in the " all clear . " I 'm not certain if he will be charged with anything in juvenile court . I would imagine so . He has mandated counseling and more . His father is being kept in Iraq , talking with a specialist there until they believe he has processed it . They won 't let him come home until they are confident that he is under control . * * * And on a happier note my sister said she told the insurance agent that she had no idea how to find furnished apartment for three months . They told her that they would have someone look next week for her . When they have something that fits her stated needs , they 'll take her to look at it . Oh , and I was able to relieve her of one worry . She said her cell phone bill was going to be outrageous . I told her to go the office and tell them that she has been needing her phone more than usual and ask them to change her plan . I know Veriz * n would back - date it and I am guessing Spr * nt will too . I also talked to her for quite a while about how I thought that Nephew had every chance to grow up to be a good man . He was a kid with a good heart who was struggling with a lot of pain . He needs people around him to take seriously what he did . He is going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions , but at the same time he needs people to believe that he is not an evil person . Posted by Namely , my sister 's . Every one 's fine . So NPR had a story about how to make your own fireworks . I didn 't hear it , did you ? Sis and Nephew tried some of them in the back yard but it did not work as expected . Nephew , without Sis knowing , took one of the duds into the basement to ponder . It sat there , on the seat of a vinyl chair while the family watched a DVD . No one noticed any smell or heat . They went to bed . Sometime later the smoke alarm went off . Sis woke up first . She woke up Niece1 . They woke up Niece2 & Nephew . Sis had the dog . One of the nieces stood at the door and called for the cat who dashed out and has yet to be found . Sis doesn 't know if the fire department contacted the Red Cross or if they just saw the report on the news . In any case , BIL is on his way back from Iraq . Sis doesn 't know how long he will be there . Nephew has asked to stay with his favorite aunt and uncle who live about 2 hours away . Sis is going to let him . Anyway , the fire was mostly contained to the basement , however intense heat and smoke filled the house . Everything in the house that had any vinyl or plastic is melted . That includes the finish on the cupboards and the entire TV , but not their cell phones and lap tops . Oh , and their shoes . The kids sneakers melted , but Sis still has some dress shoes . The good news is that they have good insurance . It will pay for somewhere for them to live for 2 - 3 months , and for the replacement of everything destroyed , all they have to do is save the receipts . They handed her a check for $ 3000 , told her to get a hotel and buy what they needed right away . They will work out the rest as they go . So . She 's not going to the cottages this summer . I 'm told her I would call our parents . She particularly wants me to contact Dad and tell him they are not going to make it to the cottages . And on the news report she quoted a Bible verse . She even showed up at the evening service in singed clothes . She is TOTALLY back on the Pastor 's " good " list . They are getting quite a bit of support and assistance . And that 's thePosted by I stopped trying to keep a blog roll a long time ago . There are just so many foster care blogs , and sometimes people just stop writing . So maybe they should be taken off , except then sometimes they start back up again . So I switched to this notification box feature a while back . ( On the side bar . . . scroll down a bit ) . Many of you have it on your blogs . The way it works is that it gives a link to the 10 most recent posts from my list of foster care blogs . In order to get it to say " Yondalla " and not " MyRealName " I had to set up a separate Google Reader under the name " Yondalla . " * That means that I have two readers , the one where I do my reading , and the one where I list all the blogs for the notification box . Sometimes this means that I will be reading a blog for a long time and THINK I have copied it into the notification system when I haven 't . Anyway , I 've updated it . I found several blogs that I thought were there that weren 't . Sorry . I no longer go searching for foster care blogs . I generally find new ones because the author commented here . If you write a foster care blog and you aren 't set up for notification leave a comment and I will check you out and probably add you . I rarely remove anyone so if you take a hiatus and then start writing again , your new post will show up here . Oh , the easiest way to figure out if you are on the list is to check out the box an hour or so after you have published . Well , maybe give it a couple of hours . Sometimes Google is really weird about taking time to get things on the reader . - - * You only see " Yondalla " if you click at the bottom to read more . For Gary that is . See one of the conditions of his probation is getting at least C 's in all his classes . He got two D 's this past semester . Now technically , that 's a probation violation and violations are felonies for which he may be sentenced 180 days in detention . So the PO could have reported him for one OR TWO violations and then required him to spend as many days as she thought was necessary . No one thought she would do that , although we weren 't sure that she wouldn 't make him spend 10 - 30 days in lock - up . She sent me a letter and I , as requested , called her back . I told her that Gary hadn 't , technically , been lying to her when he told her his grades were fine . He remembers what grades he received on the work he has done and it has always been good . The problem is that some large assignments overwhelmed him and he didn 't do them at all . When he reported on his grade he underestimated the effect that has . That made her feel better about it all . She decided that she didn 't need to come out right now to sit down and talk to him . She will come out the week before school and warn him that if his grades don 't come back up she will make him go back to the regular high school . I told her I hoped it didn 't come to that because he the big high school was so emotionally stressful for him . She says she doesn 't want that to happen either . So , I reported to Gary what she said . He wanted to know how angry she was ; he doesn 't like it when she is angry . He felt better after , although he did protest that there was nothing anyone could do to make him work harder than he wanted to work . Even if she had sent him to detention it wouldn 't bother him . His social worker had said that it might be good for him to spend two weeks in detention while we were on vacation . He said , " Two weeks ? And then I get to COME HOME AFTER ? Ha ! That 's NOTHING . " I asked him though if she really could make him switch schools . He said she can make him do anything she wants , because if he doesn 't , she can send him to detention . He wasn 't laughing then . So I talked with Andrew again about being willing to buy him more plane tickets home . I wanted to know how many he needed . He responded with reasonable confusion and asked me how many I was thinking about buying . I explained that I knew he was young and in love and consequently stupid . I was afraid that he might be thinking of leaving the college where he is and come back here . I was willing to buy plane tickets in order to counteract that stupidity and keep him where he belonged . He laughed , but just a little . He said he was glad that I told him , otherwise he would be thinking that seeing Alice more AND saving me money on plane tickets would both be reasons for coming back . He wanted to know if it was really such a bad idea to come back . I told him that if he wanted to major in science , business , or fine arts it would be fine . He however is interested in areas that overlap with mine . He would be taking courses from people I work with very closely . I didn 't think he would be happy there . He nodded . So I asked him again how often he wanted to come back . I assured him that I was willing to buy him tickets to come home twice during the quarter . I was afterall getting off pretty light with his education . He had a full scholarship for tuition and his grandfather - funded college fund was paying for his room and board . All I had to buy were books and plane tickets , and the tickets weren 't that bad - - just one discount airline plane ride away . He said he would like two flights home per quarter . That would mean they would see each other every 3 or 4 weeks . I know that is still an eternity for those who are young and in love , but hopefully it is enough to keep him where he is . Update : I did tell him that I would be willing to buy Alice tickets to spend the weekend there . He likes the idea , but has to come up with a plausible plan for where she can spend the night . I understand that she may end up spending the night in Andrew 's room , especially if he can predict when he roommate will be out of town , but she can 't announce that iYondalla I 've been thinking about how I comment on blogs , about what sort of comments are helpful . I 've tried thinking about the comments that I get that are helpful to me . ( First , let me say that I have like 100 blogs in my Google Reader . I read all the posts . I click through and comment maybe four to six times a day . That means I don 't comment nearly as much as I probably should . ) I think we all appreciate comments telling us that a post we wrote was good in some way . I know I like hearing that a post made someone laugh , or think about something in a different way , or just that they have found something I wrote helpful in some way . I assume I am not all that different from other people . Comments of encouragement are great too . I 've been exceptionally lucky in the past few months in that my children aren 't putting me through the emotional wringer . Partly that is because they are making good decisions and partly it is because I am not letting myself get too worried about their less - than - good decisions . Still , when I have gone through tough times just hearing that someone is pulling for me , or has confidence that I am going to get through this , or something can be helpful . BTDT ( been there done that ) comments are also often great . Sometimes just knowing that someone has lived through the same experience and come out the other side gives me hope . I leave those sometimes . I have absolutely nothing " helpful " to say to someone who is struggling , with a situation , but I remember being there . I got a response the other day to someone who said that my description of a similar situation made her laugh out loud . I don 't think it was particularly funny , or wouldn 't have been to anyone who hadn 't lived through it . She was though , and my description made her laugh . I hope it helped her keep going , even if it didn 't give her any idea of how precisely to do that . I also appreciate , and sometimes leave , comments that I classify as " ideas , not advice . " I TRY not to give people advice , particularly that advice that given with the tone that sayPosted by We had our monthly drop - in from the social worker . She likes us because we never need her . Of course I reminded her that in the past I have sometimes had a lot of needs . I didn 't specifically point out that at the end with Frankie I was calling her quite a bit . We had a nice visit . I told her when we were leaving for vacation . She asked if we had told the state worker . I responded that we hadn 't and she said she would take care of that for us . I gave her a copy of Gary 's grades and she gave him a gentle lecture about the D 's . She told me that she doubted that the PO would violate his probation over it , although agreed that his chances of getting off supervised probation * were certainly less . We talked about whether he was up to date on all his medical stuff , and we told her stories about what was going on . We talked about his girlfriend and her very protective mother . I told her that I was tempted to tell the mother not to worry , that Gary was very responsible and that we made sure he had access to condoms . She thought that was hilarious and told her own story that begins , " I always had a drawer where I kept condoms . I told my girls that they could always take them for themselves or for friends . . . " It was an interesting story . I remembered to ask her about Frankie . I told her that I knew there was a limit , but what could she tell me ? She said he was doing really well . He was living in a emancipation home . It is a staffed facility that is helps boys to develop the skills to live independently . He is studying for his GED and has a summer job . She says he is doing really well . She will send me the facility 's phone number so I can call if I like . When she left she asked if we were driving or flying on our vacation . I said that we were driving and that I needed to so that I could drive away if necessary - - there is a certain amount of anxiety when I am with my father . " Your father will be there ? " " Well . They are his cottages , so yeah . " " Ugg . Family vacations . " " It 's okay . He 's mellowed in his old age . " " Well the pot helps , " saPosted by I am not worrying about the fact that Gary hasn 't called his PO in weeks , perhaps months . He is supposed to call every Tuesday . She has been wanting to get him off supervised probation for a year , but it is only recently that it has seemed possible . She sent him a message through his social worker saying that he needed to send in his court fees so she could process him . He did some weeding for us to earn the $ 20 . Roland wrote the check , gave him an envelop and stamp , and we think he probably mailed it in . He 's nervous though because he got two D 's . That is a probation violation . That means that he PO could make him spend time in the detention center . She probably won 't . Probably . She would certainly have a conversation with him about it , and she absolutely wouldn 't request that he be released from supervised probation when he is not currently in compliance with his probation conditions . Now I am not worried about this is the sense that I have any anxiety about it . I am however very curious about it . Periodically I can 't resist asking him if he has called . I really want to know what is going to happen . When he tells me he hasn 't called I feel a disappointment similar to finding out that the sequel to the book I just read hasn 't come out yet . Does that sound heartless ? I don 't mean for it to . I hope for his sake that he doesn 't have to spend a few days in detention . I know he would hate it . I would hate it for him . If he went I would be very sad for him . I won 't be sad if he stays on probation . Though I don 't think he needs or deserves to still be on probation , I do find it convenient . This whole , he has to be home by 8 : 00pm thing is really convenient for me . It is one of the ways my parenting has changed over the years . When we started this 9 years ago I would have thought that making sure he called and informed the PO of everything was my job . Now I know it is his , and I am just curious as to how it is all going to turn out . I 'll let you know when I do , of course . Update : He overheard me asking Roland about it , and askPosted by Daughter , sister , wife , mother , foster - parent blog writer , philosophy professor . . . I am and have been many things . These days my identities as a teacher of bioethics and the daughter of a woman with Parkinson 's and dementia lead me to agree with Peter Singer , " It 's different when it 's your mother . "

Slowly we 're approaching 2011 . Today we slept in , that means , the girls and I . Their autistic brother went with his dad to the hospital to get some bloodworks done . Last week I went with him to a , for him , new doctor of internal meds to get some things seen into . I 'm curious what all the examinations will show . I 've been asking for this for many years and each and every psychiatrist thought it unnecessary , until the new one who agreed with me the very first meeting . It 's great to communicate with someone who is less ego and more directed to the patiënt . My sons meds will be reviewed after the data are in , and we 're all happy with that . I 'm glad my son doesn 't mind to have his bloodworks done . No phantasies about needles finding their way in the body . LOL ! By the time they came back we were walking around and talking girly things . Maybe we should take a whole day like that and put green and brown masks on each other 's faces . I 'm dealing with the new / old diabetes meds myself as expected . I 've got the same headache as in the past , the same other side effects . I can deal with them . During the day I measured my bloodglucose and even the results were as I expected . I 'm glad I feel so much better than last week and my lungs are so much friendlier . I can breathe fully again . In the evening my second son came for a short visit to tell about photographing a wedding anniversary . Boy , he looked nice in his white shirt with black sweater . Handsome guy ! ! ! We 've been making a few plans for the change of years . All will be either at home or visiting just before midnight , so we 'll be all together . To me it says something that my sons seek home at events like that . It was time to order a new set of meds , so I mailed my doctor for prescriptions . To my surprise I got a call . In the past I tried quite some meds against diabetes and ended with Avandamet . It was the only medication that didn 't give me a continous headache , nausea , dizziness and other unwanted problems . In fact I experienced no problems using it . Research however has shown that heartproblems and oedema can cause tremendous problems and the European union pulled the stuff from the market . Thank you ! I 'm quite capable to make my own decisions and i think it 's up to make to take a risk . It 's about quality of life , and I 'd rather have a better quality of life at the cost of a few years . So tomorrow I 'll start again with the old meds , which were not sufficient to control the diabetes in the past . Combining it with insulin or using insulin only is not a real option as I have a metabolic disease which make insulin a greater risk than avandamet is . I have the opportunity to monitor my own glucose levels , so I know what 's going on . I also know I 'll have the runs all the time , which is a wellknown side effect , so I need a box of " runstoppers " in my bag wherever I go . I also need to be far more careful with planning my meals . So that flexibility is lost too . And I need to level and spread my energy far more . It was not without a good reason that we changed medication in the past , so I feel I 'm back again to a situation that was unwanted . Grrrrrrrrrrrr Isn 't it great to wake up in a white world again ? Today we went to the oldest son for dinner . The girls went early because they wanted to assist him . Because of my lungproblems it was decided to ask a friend to drive us , and he gladly did . Otherwise we would have to walk about 30 minutes , then wait for the bus and even be uncertain about being able to go back . By car it 's not even 15 minutes from door to door . I really enjoyed the snow everywhere . All trees and shrubs carry a hat of about 40 cm of snow . We had a gourmet dinner . It was delicious . A few boys took it upon them to bake the meat and they did very well . I felt so proud to sit between these young people who really enjoyed it to make others happy . After that we enjoyed opening our presents . It had been a huge toodoo to get something nice for everyone , because of the snow . But everyone was content . I didn 't expect much and that turned out to be OK , because I got an alarmclock ( without radio . . . . ) and a small statue that was a perfect copy of one that 's already sitting on a shelf in the livingroom , for everyone to see . It 's this one : Sorry for the bad quality of the merged picture . The statue is a few cm 's high , from the series Kabouke . It comes with a box . Inside the box the statue is kept in a cotton bag , under foam . There 's also a leaflet in it with information about the collection . It 's a collector 's item . I 'm willing to sell it to the highest bidder , and the money will be used for autism . Last night it snowed another 15 cm 's and it looks like it 's going to snow again within an hour . Never ever have we had so much snow . In part of the country people just can 't travel . It 's a problem to leave the neighbourhood here , so getting the groceries in is no fun at all . Because my lungs are still not OK , I try to keep quiet . Yesterday set me back a great lot . But I got the presents in . Just a few moments ago the father of the children discovered it 's the 24th not the 25th . He thought he had still a complete day to get all his things done . Haha ! Without much words he rushed off . One of the girls said Santa asked her to ask me what I would like to have for christmas . We both sat down and went to : www . personalcreations . com . We saw a lovely canvas with 6 stockings . One can order names on those stockings . And I also saw very nice pendants with a family on it . I would love to have one with only a mother and two children . I would engrave the names of my diseased children at the back . Surfing through the site we found out that a whole section offers presents for whole families . Oh , do I love that train music box ! I 'm now off to make the house smell after cinnamon . I just put some cinnamon sticks in water and bring it to the boil and the vapours go through the whole house . Merry Christmas ! ! Today I finally went with my autistic son to the doc of internal medicine . After doctors telling me for so many years there 's no problem and when he got obese that the problem would solve itself , we had a psychiatrist who said he would refer us . He never did . We remembered him a lot of time about his promiss to realise a referral , and over and over again he said he would , but he never did . Then my son was old enough to leave there and care was transferred to another psychiatrist . I asked him to arrange a referral , and he immediately did . We talked about the issue and I said I also wanted a scan of my son 't brains , to exclude or signal any problems in the pituitary and / or hypothalamic area . Today we had to struggle our way through the snow . It felt like being on a polar expedition . We were so happy to arrive at the busstation . The roads were white and dangerous , so it took half an hour longer to reach our destination . My son was lucky to get such nice doctors . He got a very thorough examination , they took their time to make a good anamnesis , and they even took the time for a case conference before they sat down and unfolded their plans . Bloodwork , mainly to exclude some rare but serious diseases . Next week a test to establish or exclude Cushing disease . An MRI to establish or to exclude pituitary and / or hypothalamic problems . Under normal circumstances the doc did that last , but in this case she wants it done asapAfter that a meeting to see what is found . Finally something contructive is done ! ! Finally ! ! Outside the hospital it was very cold and we waited 40 minutes for a bus that never arrived , then we took another one to town and got a good bus home . Trains had come to a stop . When I came home I was completely exhausted . Next monday my own doc is working again and I 'll be his first patient . I can hardly keep those lungproblems under control at the moment . Waiting for such a long time in the cold was not good . Today we went to hospital because both my autistic son and I needed an x - ray . We had to walk through the neighbourhood , because of the enormous amount of snow . When we arrived at the main road I was surprised it was in such a bad state . Still snow on it . When we arrived at the hospital we found the same situation . Amazing ! We had to wait a little bit , but that didn 't matter . At a certain moment I turned my head and saw two of our best friends walk in . So we had a good time talking and now and then someone was called in for photos . People were often called back , but they kept my son in his little room . Maybe it took him too much time to dress and undress . I had to come back twice ! When my friend was supposed to go in the equipment broke down . My autistic son went with his father to town to get his new ID and I stayed there . The repairman arrived soon after that and then it was my friend 's turn to get her x - rays . When we came outside it was snowing again . But I was lucky to be invited to go home with them . . by car . What a luxury ! ! I worked very hard to get it all arranged well , but instead of having too many santas , which happened in the past , I have now a shortage of secret santas . Families with autism live a difficult life . Each day is a challendge . Each time they have to deal with school or caretakers , or therapists , they have to stand up to get the best there is . The brothers and sisters of a child with autism are part - time caretakers too . Not many people realise how much experience they gain from dealing with autism . They really deserve something extras . In the past 25 years I 've been dealing with autism I 've seen many families struggling with additional costs . My son , for instance , used his chair very intensive . At the height of his restlessness he needed two chairs a month . I became so experienced in repairing wooden chairs , you don 't want to know . Noe he 's got a very good chair from an office . They threw it away because they wanted the most modern look . And they gladly donated it to him . Pity the other chairs were already gone to the waste installation . Additional costs are ofcourse for therapy , extra support but also for eating habits . Because of the hypersensitivity some children won 't eat food with rough texture , or anything salty . Or they eat the same food for many many months , because it gived them a feeling of safety . And because these children and youngsters have a limited area of interests extra costs are always present . Take for instance an autistic child who uses a certain game at the computer . He will get better and better and eventually the cheap games are too easy . Or he needs a paid subscription . With moms all over the world we have talked about this subject very often . Especially when the children are young a mom wants to give full attention and because she rather prevents a meltdown than allow it to develop into a real problem , she often has to leave chores , with sometimes devastating results . One of the moms was putting the laundry in the machine while she was preparing to leave to do some groceries . Her son was putting on his coatShare : Read More My autistic son had an appointemtn this morning with the dentist . He wasn 't looking forward to it and he was tryng to get the appointment cancelled . I told him that the costs are now insured and not anymore after january 1 and so I wanted him to pay the costs himself when he missed this appointment . He didn 't say much , but yesterday evening he asked who was coming with him . His father couldn 't go to work because of the trafficproblems and he said he 'd go with him . This morning I expected the usual todoo when he has to leave , but I think he was distracted by the snow , because they went without too much fuzz . An hour later they came home . Everything went well . All he had was a stiff jaw and the orders not to eat for an hour . He asked if he was allowed a cola and as a joke I told him that he couldn 't drink a cola for a year . I 'm not at all in favor of giving sweets or softdrinks as a compliment . He took some water and sat down , talking about what had happened . It sure had made an impression because he told the same facts over and over again . Later in the day he started to doubt my statement about cola and he decided it had been a good joke . I 'm glad he shows signs of growing up and independence . Wouldn 't it be great whe he was less of a problem for himself ? Thanks for asking how my lungs are doing . I 'm not feeling well at all , and the meds can barely deal with the problems . I can 't lay down , because I can 't breathe and it takes an hour or even more to get on top of the shortness of breath . Let 's say I found out that one can spend a night at CityVille , one of the games on facebook , in the best position to breathe . My doc is on vacation . I tried to call him at his own home , for once in a lifetime relying on our friendship , but he wasn 't there . There 's so much snow here that it 's almost impossible to go to another doctor . And I 'm not ill enough to make other people risk their lives to come and get me . When it 's necessary , that 's something else . Here we 've got about 30 cm snow . All bushes and trees are covered with a huge load . Like they 're having hats on . Right now it 's snowing so much that the 10 cm snow the girls pushed from the gardenpath and the pavement is completely back again . I love it ! Last night the sky and the world looked a soft pink . It was so beautiful that I dressed myself well and stood in the garden to look at it for a while . I can 't wait to feel a bit better again to walk through the snow . The crushing sound is so special , and the world looks so peaceful . Ofcoruse I feel sorry for those who have to use their car and get stuck in endless trafficjams , for those who need to go by train and just can 't . For those who have to rely on the busses , as they didn 't drive any today . It 's so beautiful ! ! I want to enjoy the feeling and the look as long as I can . 1 . How 's it gonna be in 2011 for you ? After this year and what people did to us , I hope next year will be a lot , a huge lot better . I guess we 'll start the new year with lots of stress until we 're finally set free of all ill people . We have to leave it behind us , otherwise itwill be the main rtraumatic event of our lives . And I personally think that nothing , no thing should exceed the pain and grief caused by the death of my babies . I hope that soon we 'll feel free again and can work on leaving this in the past and leave the bad karma to those who have caused this all . I hope we 'll be able to realise a few dreams . 2 . What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening ? Right now I 'm not feeling to have one . I 'm OK with feeling perfectly relaxed together . Maybe looking out of the window of my own cottage . 3 . What strategy would you implement to deal with drug abuse in today 's world ? Make young people feel they 're worth to care for themselves . Now they 're regarded as food for the labourmarket and nothing more . They way society talks about young people , like they 're a criminal burden . . . it 's sick . I 've never used drugs because I knew I had some nice talents and I wanted to develop them . There was no place for drugs in my life . People who dealt with me cared for me as a person . When we are able to give the youth the feeling of freedom , of being talented and of an open future , I think that influences the drugworld in a positive way . 4 . What thing about your family are you least proud of ? That they rather have their dad repair their bicycles than they themselves . 5 . What part of the holidays are you really looking forward to ? I don 't like the holidays . It 's the only time of the year I miss those who died so terribly that I have to push myself to cheer up . But maybe second christmasday is fun , as we are invited to have dinner at our eldest . 6 . Who is the last person you high - fived ? Why ? One of my daughters when she heard she was going to Istanbul with the student exchange of school . ( It was right before we herad the costs of sending two girls . ) Share : Read More Asthma has been part of my life a long time . It doesn 't dictate me and I want it to stay it that way . But last night I had a severe asthma / bronchitis attack , which lasted all night and morning . Each day I take my meds at the same time . It 's such a daily routine that I do it without thinking . Most of the time taking these meds is enough to prevent problems , but I guess the cold and damp got to me . And going by bus , with all the germs , doesn 't help either . Anyway . I couldn 't sleep and sat up coughing all night , and in the morning I even considered to call the doc . But it was snowing so much that I didn 't want him to take the risk to come and I didn 't want to go . Knowing the hospital protocol I took the additional meds and when that was enough I took more . Ofcourse I wrote down what I took , in case I needed to go to hospital anyway . Then suddenly I was able to breathe more . . . . good . Soon after the kids came down . Their vacation started today and they slept in . All what 's left is a headache . Which doesn 't really bother me . Again I feel very lucky . Today we had to go to the balletperformance of one of the girls . By the time I went upstairs to change the rain was falling not by bucket , but with wagonloads . I just had a very short shower and jumped in my clothes , so I was downstairs 15 minutes later and by then it was snowing . I could hardy see the houses at the opposite side of the road . Walking to the busstation was kind of tricky , as it wasn 't freezing enough to make the snow . I took my walking stick with me without any feeling of shame or regret , because it saved my life three times . In the centre of town the weather was as badm , but the pavements close beside the buildings were not slippery . We arrived just in time . The performance was great and it was nice to see familiar faces . Going home was as much a challenge as going to town , but we managed it without broken bones . Tomorrow we need to go to hospital for a check up . Let 's see what kind of weather it is at that time . Today I woke up with the same flu that has reigned in our house for a few weeks now . I had to do quite a lot though and there was no way to escape from it all . My autistic son had an appointment with the dentist this afternoon . His last chance to get problems solved before the insurance stops . He skipped his last appointment , so I was quite hesitant to believe he would go today . I tried to create a relaxed feel as possible and even engaged in discussing dog dna testing , a subject he considered interesting . Then suddenly I got a call from my second son telling me that I had mail . He said he discussed with his brother that he could go with him to the dentist and when I was OK with that he would come over . And so he did . He 's been afraid for the detist for a while , but went and was glad he did . A perfect role model , and at the age of my autistic son a peer role model works far better than mom . And so they went . After a while they came back . I heard them talking and laughing in the garden before they came in . At monday morning some repair is needed . But I get the idea it won 't be a real problem . Some children need a firm attitude and when they won 't get it at home , they 'll go and find it . One of the children of a friend is a very persistant little lady . She has her ways to get the enormous amount of attention she claims . In the past no normal conversation with her mother was possible , because no limits were set . I quietly started to set those limits myself , using very little steps so the mother wouldn 't feel offended . I saw the girls reacted . First by claiming her mother and kissing her a lot . But even though it was clear she belonged to her mother , that didn 't make her part of the conversation for me . Unconsciously her mother reacted too . Her bodylanguage was a bit less inviting , and when she started to enjoy the conversation a bit more , she started to keep her daughter a bit away from her . The girl was allowed to sit on the couch , but not on her lap anymore . Soon after that she began to offer her child the opportunity to play with toys she couldn 't otherwise play with . I cab give plenty of other examples of how the little child 's behaviour was molded into more acceptable behaviour . Yesterday I had to babysit her and her siblings . When I came in she fell into her usual behavior , but I told her that she woukd get attention too when I was ready with re brother . She looked amazed , but kept quiet nevertheless . When I brought her upstairs she told me she was happy I was there , because she felt so much calmer inside . What a great way to decribe her feelings . After building the extension to the school it was time to allow an interior designer to make it into a good place to be . Part of the extension is a waitingroom for parents and it needed a few modern coffee tables . A few years ago I was in the building board of a new school and we discussed not only the outer architecture , but also the inner design of the school . It was one of the most interesting events in my life . Not only because we worked together with rthe most famous architects and interior designers , but also because it made me aware of so very many things , including student safety . The interior designer wanted an open staircase and balcony because it would sdo so much justice to the spaciousness of the building , but in one single moment I saw a student drop down over the railing . Now this other school needed coffee tables and lamps . So when I went there I was very curious . It 's wonderful ! ! The tables are modern . They fit in every interior , ranging from classical to minimalistic , but the way chairs and lamps are used to make it a good place to be is amazing . Handblown lamps , like they 're woven from glass , in a straight line above the tables . A reading corner and a brochure stand on the tables . It 's amazing . And it makes one thing very clear : even with basic furniture a cosy place can be created everywhere . You won 't belief it , but I nearly smashed my telephone last night . Because I expected a phone call from abroad I took my phone with me to bed . No problem , I always wake up at the first sound . Too many nightshifts in the past . As always I tried to get in bed as quickly as possible . It 's such a loss of time to linger on . So instead of walking beside the bed and putting the phone kindly on the small table I just threw it on the bed from a distance . . . I thought . Instead it hit the corner of the table . The back flew away and so did the battery . Me oh my , I was so happy it was not an iphone , but just a cheap phone . As technical as I am I took the pieces and started puzzling until it was assembled again . Nothing was broken . I had to ask someone to fix the time and date . But that was no problem . Next time I will be more careful . Promise . One of the friends of one of my sons works at a shop where they sell games , ipods , cameras , cd 's etc etc . He loves his job and he often has interesting stories to tell about what happened during a day . Yesterday he suddenly walked in here after closingtime and he clearly was in a bad mood . I asked him why and he told me that some ipods were stolen . When they realised it they went to look at the tapes of the surveillance cameras , but they couldn 't see anyone stealing them , except an older woman putting her bag nearby . But the stealing act wasn 't put on camera . Now many people are shopping for christmaspresents it 's not good not to have any ipods available . The deliveries to the shops are irregular due to the bad weather . He didn 't know what to do . I said I 's probably order some ipods from internet and put them under glass and tell people they can be ordered . He thought that was a good idea . We designed a nice gift card , so they can be given as presents and taken to the shop after christmas to collect the ipod . Never seen such a happy guy ! Problem solved . One of the girls need to follow people at their jobs . I was one of the people to follow . Not as a normal mom , but as a journalist . In the past I 've worked at a magazine . I worked my way up from typist to writing journalist to headeditor . So I know the ins and outs . I also worked for a paper . So it 's fun to teach her what needs to be done to get news and information on the doormat . She was kind of amazed to discover that while waiting for some real news to pop - up , all sorts of other jobs need to be done . Like collecting information for a main article for the weekend edition , going to meetings , calling people to ask if they can deliver information for next week tuesday and analising data that have been gathered by others . Each journalists has his or her own methods , but some standards are used , especially when health information needs to be put in an article . The law here states that those without a medical degree are not allowed to hand out medical information . So either a doctor cosigns the article or reviews are used . One of the subjects that landed on the table today were colon cleanse reviews . Using the main conclusions together with the experiences of others , gathered in interviews , resulted in a nice article . One of the girls needs to go with three people to see what they do at their job . I know others schools have included this subject in their curriculum too , but they give the children a list to make a choice . Here they have to organise it themselves . Because my daughter wants to go to work that really interests her it took her a while to find people who are able to take her with them , but she managed to get her list filled and signed . 1 . a journalist . How to find news and write an article2 . an ICT technician . He 's arranged quite a few interesting trips to fix computers and the second part of the day she will get some education in how to design sites . 3 . a group leader at a house for kids with special needs . A great list ! 1 . Has anyone asked you to believe in something that called for a huge leap of faith on your part ? Oh yes . It 's the main issue here in our lives this year . I don 't want to talk about it on the blog , but it 's in the book I 'm writing . I 've learned a lot from it . Certainly to trust my own instincts . I 've also seen how people can intrude in the lives of others and break up whole families . The person I 'm talking about is mentioned by name on internet , so I know she has done what she did to us before to other families . I can 't belief that her superiors are not aware of what 's going on , because this woman has a serious psychiatric problem and she 's pure danger to nice and loving families . I guess she 's yealous of other women who can cope with more children at once , yealous of loving families or something like that . I hope it 's something in that area , because that means she can be helped . 2 . When is the last time you moved ? Why did you move ? That 's about 25 years ago , when we needed a house with garden to raise our children . An old willow stood in the garden and it was special to me and my familie . I alwyas said that when it would be gone we 'd move . Last summer it died . . . so it 's time to move on . 3 . Malls ? . . or one Internet ? Are you doing more online shopping this year ? The polls say we are , but I 'm curious about what the real people are doing . Real life shopping is more fun . But I have ordered some small things , like rings and bracelets , on internet . 4 . Do you remember the first meme you participated in and if so , what was it ? That was . . . eh . . . a friday meme , where questions were served like a dinner . 5 . If you could invent something , what would it be ? Haha . . . I won 't tell , because you would invent it too . LOL ! 6 . Are you finished with your shopping ? Do you still a few things to go ? What ? Not even a game plan ? . . . or is there just one person you 're having trouble finding something for ? Noop , I 'm not finished . 7 . What 's left to do at your place ( or where you are going ) ? Is the tree up ? . . . or maybe you 're just happy you found the Christmas coffee mShare : Read More One of my daughters wanted shoes that were far too expensive for us . She agreed calmly that she had to wait and maybe even had to save some money . Each time she went with us to the shoppingcentre she quickly paid a visit to the shop and came back without saying anything . Until yesterday . With a big smile she invited us to come with her and she showed the shoes she wanted and the discount . Within minutes a nice boy joined us and when she asked him for her size he almost jumped away to get the box with the shoes she 's fancied for such a long time . He was clearly happy for her that they were the right size and when we were paying we talked a bit and he said that she had been so very persistent to look every week for a discount that he kept a pair aside for her so she wouldn 't miss them . Isn 't that sweet ? I 've forgiven him that he tried to sell us socks . Long socks , sneeker socks , extra warm socks , gentlemen 's socks . LOL ! I value the fact that he didn 't try to sell her the shoes before they were prized down . She told me he has been very patient with her every time she asked if they would be in the sales of the next week . Often he would look it up , just because she was so eager to know . No . . . I don 't think we can expect any romance . But he 's won a warm place in my heart for caring so much that he had a box with her much desired shoes set apart . This morning the phone rang and a friend asked me to come over for coffee . No problem . . . I thought . But when I walked to her house I had to cross the playground and that took ages because of the ice . It was not made for the kids to have fun , but it was the consequence of a week full of snow and temperatures below zero . Last night it rained a lot and the parts of the pavements that were clean before got a good clean of the salt and that was it . They were not icy at all . But that part of the playground was clearly neglected . I almost fell a few times before I reached the place where I could hold on to the fence around a house . Someone just left there and she didn 't blink an eye when she saw me trying to move . " It 's slippery , isn 't it ? " , she said . Before I had time to zip my mouth I said : " Yes , when people won 't take responsibility and use a bit of salt it 's slippery , indeed . " I guess she just didn 't understand me , because she said her goodbyes very friendly . When I finally arrived at the house of my friend , it felt strange to walk again at a normal and clean pavement . The coffee tasted delicious . On my way back she walked with me . She had to go that way anyway . And because she had shoes with anti slip - soles she could give me an arm without slipping herself . I felt like an old granny and for a moment I could imagine myself being old and wrinkled , trembling at the arm of my daughter . Oh my dear ! ! ! What winter does to you ! I thought I 'd escaoed the dance , but no . Last week I had a serious asthma attack that made me call the doc and ask for a nebulator instead of an inhaler . I was lucky to have someone around to fetch it from the pharmacy . I 'm not a kind of panick person , so all the way I stayed calm , and afterwards it turned out that not even all those who were at home realised that I was in real problems . Good . No need to be busy with the emotions of others at a time like that . The cold and damp weather hasn 't helped , nor has the dry air inside the houses . I try to control the climate in my house as much as possible , but the past time I 've had so many appointments . . . and I can 't tell others what to do in their offices and homes . Well , all I can do now is use my meds , keep calm and hope it won 't develop into someone worse . Snow , mist and ice defined the morning . I was amazed one of the boys came home so early , but he 'd been to the dentist and didn 't want to go home . At the end of the afternoon we prepared to go to the school of the girls . After a quick dinner we dressed very warm and went to the trainstation with small steps over the shiny pavement . Me oh my , it was slippery ! We managed to get the bus in time , which was a real wonder . . . and some patience of the driver . . : ) At the main trainstation the father of the children joined us . We were just in time at school . But I have to say that many people came in after us . The girls were nervous . But they were quite happy when they hear to which countries they were going . One of the girls goes to Turkey ( I 'll contact some of you as you live in the town she ; s going to . ) The other one to the south of Spain . ( Who lives there ? NNE of Cordoba , north of Granada ) Most students were very happy with the place they 're going to . We were glad to be able to go home . . . meaning more than two hours of shivering in the cold and slippery sliding , hoping to arrive there without broken bones . But . . . . one of the boys could use the car of friends and we were home within 15 minutes . At home we had long talks about the exchange , full of plans and joy . A long look into the future . We still had few traintickets for a full day with the last date of today . So yesterday I went with a couple of the kids to travel around . We first went to the north of the country and had plans to go to Amsterdam afterwards to do some shopping , visit our favorite artshop , and have something to eat . When we were nearly at the place were we wanted to go : Sneek , it started to snow and by the time we arrived there it was a full snowstorm . We had seen there was a shoppingcentre near the trainstation , so we went there . 4 shops and lots of cars . With chocolate biscuits we left and decided to go back to the trainstation . The storm was fierce and lots of snow came down . At the next trainstation it was terribly cold and we caught a train heading south . In there we discussed what to do and we all decided for Utrecht . Having a nice time together in the train we suddenly got silent . The train stopped somewhere in no where land . After a while we were told we would go back to one of the main trainstations because Utrecht couldn 't be reached . Trains were either defect or the relais were frozen . For a while it was unclear of we could reach Utrecht . One way or another we had to go there to be able to go home . The free coffee was crap . In a loaded train we hadded to Utrecht . I was the only one of our group to be able to sit . . . the chair was broken , but I was able to sit a bit anywhere . In Utrecht it was impossible to establish if we could travel home . So we went to eat something first . When we came back it was still unknown . After a long time waiting in the could we managed to get on a train and after arriving in town and catching another one we were finally at home . In the meantime it had been snowing all the time . 1 . Do you have any habits or rituals at this time of year ? Well , we 're on the evening of our december presents event : Sinterklaas . We cling to that old tradition a lot . After that , we start decorating for christmas . 2 . Polar bears seem to do well in the snow . . . How about you ? Is snow just another thing you deal with when it shows up , or is it shutdown time ? . . . and if you 're posting from a non - snowy locale , do you make trips to actually see snow ? It 's okay to admit it . . . I love snow . . . a lot ! ! And I always try to enjoy it as much as possible . You 'll read more about that tomorrow . This year we 've had a very early winter , and today I was in the middle of a snowstorm and enjoyed it to bits even though my cheeks were painful because of the stinging snow . We can 't afford to go on wintervacation to find snow , but when it 's here I 'm happy . 3 . Tell about a toy you remember from your childhood . I had a doll with a plastic face and a fabric body , I made lots of houses with lego and I enjoyed building with other blocks at my gram . Once I got a train in a shop and I loved it , but then came my nephew and my mom gave it away just like that . To me that accentuated the difference between male and female so much that I think that was the birth of the feminist in me . He didn 't even like trains . . . yet he got it because he was a boy . 4 . If you could make one thing in the world absolutely free for everyone , what would it be ? Food5 . Do you live close to your immediate family members ? If not , how far away are they ? No , they live far away . My real family are my children and my friends . 6 . My mom ordered a turkey dinner from a local market . it was o . k . , but not very good . how was your turkey ( or last holiday meal ) this year ? No turkey and I can 't remember a last holiday meal . I think it was OK . 7 . In a one horse open sleigh : Have you ever been on a sleigh ride or a carriage ride ? Do you even like horses ? Or would you just rather travel by your own two feet ? Not on a large sleigh or carriage . I think I would love it ! I 've never had something special with horses , Share : Read More Another snowday . We 're getting used to the troubles the snow causes and don 't regard them as troubles anymore . Going to school means leaving a bit earlier and walking through the neighbourhood until the main road is reached where one can bicycle in a normal way . It also means being creative with food , because the shelves in the shops don 't present as much bread as usual . Adjusting is an art and I 've always treated that art as a talent of each and every child . A talent to be develeoped as well as possible . This morning I welcomed the light of the day , that special light of snow . Then I realised a nagging pain in my arm and shoulder . Where did that come from ? It took me almost all day to realise it comes from removing the snow from the plastic roof above the back door . I did some chores and walked to a friend because I had to ask her something . Instead of asking and going back I sat there , and kept het daughter busy while she was at the phone . Her daughter has the same flu as my kids . . . so no need to worry about infecting others . Then we had a chat and coffee and when I arrived home my oldest sat there , smiling . He 's very good at baking bread , so he made breadrolls for all of us , with cheese and ham . That tasted so well ! ( While he was baking , I mailed childcare to ask for the reason of their decision . ) We had a nice afternoon , discussing a few things and before we knew the kids were home from school and we all were talking and having fun . Then I suddenly asked why child care spoke about transparency and all sorts of nice things , and why they made a decision without showing us the reports on us and give us the chance to make corrections . So I spend another mail , and because I didnt ; get a reply on the former one from the teamleader I mailed the guardian too . He didn 't tell us which motivation they had , ( ofcourse I can think of one : my kids are well cared for and my kids are nice , polite and friendly kids , reacting their age , doing well at school , not using cigarettes drinks , drugs or whatever , having an active social life , etc eShare : Read More The new agenda is in use . Time flies . Today I went with my autistic son to his psychiatrist . We could hardly approach the bus as it was such a slippery mess everywhere . I asked the busdriver why they didn 't use sand when they wouldn 't use salt . He just shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something about the old ways being better . We arrived 15 minutes early . There was no one at the department but the people of the front denk . It was delightfully quiet . It was like being alone in a japanese garden . Soothing . We talked things through with the psychiatrist and decided to wait with new meds until the endocrinologist would have presented the results . It was a relaxed meeting and it felt good to be respected for who I am wand what I know . I also told him the social worker wants to contact him to talk about the approach of my son . She used to take my words serious before the who toodoo with childcare started . Now she wants to talk with the psychiatrist herself . I said so to the psychiatrist and he smiled . " Yes , it works that way for some people . " " Indeed , it says more about them than about me . " So I explained why I reached certain conclusions . I know my stuff and I observe well . When we left the calm of the department touched us again . It was almost a pity to leave . We went home , did our shopping and then found out that sand was used on the bicycle roads . Wow ! At home one of the girls showed what she 'd made with beads . It was lovely ! We need to organise funds for her exchange and I told her that maybe making earrings and such would be a nice way to earn some of the money . She tried to find a job for this holiday , but she couldn 't . So maybe this will work . All in aal it was a very relaxed day , if it weren 't that the whole toodoo with that guardian bugs us . It 's time all will be finished and left in the past . We have final exams to concentrate on , and the usual changes in life . Up to 2011 ! We were waiting for replies on our letters , but nothing happened until today . We got a nice letter on the doormat stating Child Care will propose the court to stop the guardianship . So we would see each other in court . The last letters won 't need an answer . At first I was happy , happy , happy . . . Then I started to ask myself why she didn 't mention the motivation to stop the whole toodoo , as the law clearly states a few situations in which it can be stopped before the whole year has come to an end . ( We 've had 100 days ) . Ofcourse there 's nothing the matter with the girls or the rest of the family , so I guess that 's the reason . But after all the disappointments and unwelcome surprises of child protection my trust has gone . ( That needs some hard work to be regained the next year ) . All the doubts possible jumped in my mind : maybe we 've been too critical and difficult by expecting more from those guardians than they gave . We wanted pleasant people to deal with , a good partner in conversation , we wanted to be understood and accepted , we wanted the whole experience to be as pleasant as possible . Maybe we expected too much . Maybe that is now used against us ? The girls didn 't feel OK with the guy and answered the questions by mail . Maybe they see that as a negative thing ? Wereas I see that as a good way of taking care of themselves and they wellbeing . If they would have been told they had to go they would have gone . This afternoon I was with my autistic son at my family doctor and ofcourse I asked him if they had called him . " No " . All sorts of things went through my mind , and then the only thing substantial stayed : The court decided for guardianship because that teacher dais my girls were depressed , afraid to go to school , had no contacts etc etc , and it turned out that my girls are OK and the guy was mistaken . We 've said that from the moment we knew what he had said to child protection . Well , I 'm going to write a mail to child care asking them the reason , when to expect the date of the courtsession and some other details . Keep your finShare : Read More We needed bread and as I had nothing at home to bake one , I had to go to the shops . No problem . I had to shop for the presents for Sinterklaas anyway . So I put a thick shawl around my face , a fancy thing on my head , two cardigans on , legwarmers , my best coat , and battled my way against the storm on my bicycle . At times I had to put my foot on the ground because the wind brought me to a complete stand still . When I arrived at the shoppingcentre I needed some time to feel my legs again . I had to go to three shops before I found bread on the shelves . It 's clear that many shops didn 't get their products delivered today . Already a shortage of bread , vegetables and some drinks could be seen . I tried to find the presents I needed to buy , but I gave up looking for them after a while . At home it was decided we 'll skip Sinterklaas and give presents at Christmas , so everyone can go shopping when it 's convenient . It feels odd . But one doesn 't send anyone out at the moment . Inside the home it 's cozy . We had a tasteful dinner , had fun , watched TV , and when it was time for the girls to go to bed it started to snow light glistening snowstars . I don 't like the cold , but it 's better than a hot summer . Nature is so interesting now . The skies , the reflecting snow in the middle of the night , the lake . Maybe I 'll put myself in all sorts of layers of warmth and make a short walk later .

I 'm so excited ! I 've found an empty book in the stable ! And it 's a small one too , so I can hide it . So that means I can use it for a diary . A diary ! ! ! I know I 'm not very good at writing . But old Caron who used to teach me my writing said that I should keep a diary , so 's I can practice my writing . Well , now that I 've found this book , I 'm going to write a little bit every day . I suppose I should introduce myself and tell you about my family . My name is Tenni . I 'm eleven years old . I live in a little clearing near the edge of the forest with Mandy and her friends . I sleep in the stable ( except when Aunt says it 's too cold . Then I am allowed to sleep by the fire ) . Aunt and Uncle and Brot and Ruthy live here too . Brot and Ruthy are much older than me . They 've got their own rooms . And I 'm not allowed inside them . Except everyday when I have to clean them . I have to clean the whole place every day . That 's why I can hide you , diary . But I hate sweeping the floor . Washing day today . I hate washing day , even more than sweeping the floor . It 's always the same . We take all the dirty clothes to the stream , and then Aunt will stand and talk to me while I stand in the cold water and wash all the clothes . I live with Uncle 's family because Mum and Dad died from the plague . They both got sick the same day . Mum died two days before Dad did . Scotten and I are orphans . Scotten is my older brother . He 's thirteen . After Mum and Dad died , we slept on the village headman 's floor while we waited for Aunt - she lived a whole day 's journey away , but it was nearly a week before she came . Aunt is the only family we have left . When Aunt came , she called Scotten a wicked and dirty runt , and refused to take him . Then she 'd grabbed me and dragged me away without even a proper chance to say goodbye to Scotten or to get my things . I didn 't even get any time to write in my diary yesterday . Aunt made me help Brot with the skins in the afternoon . Yuck ! I hate the smelly skins . If I was lucky I 'd be able to go to school . I wouldn 't mind doing all the cleaning and cooking if they let me go to school sometimes . I 'm an orphan , so I know that I have to work . But if I don 't go to school , then I won 't learn my words and numbers , and I 'll be stuck doing boring stuff like cleaning and cooking all my life . But Aunt says that there 's no money to pay for me to go to school . " What a waste of time that stuff is for poor folks like you and me , " she says . I 'm so lonely ! No one in the family wants to talk to me . Except Aunt , and I don 't want to hear it all again . She never says anything new or interesting . No one else wants to come out this far into the terrible forest . There 's no one . Mandy is my best friend . She 's always listening , always watching me . Mandy 's been my best friend as long as I can remember . She wanted to say in my old village , but she 's such a nice friend that she came with me anyway . She doesn 't really like it here . She says it 's dark and gloomy in this house , and the stable stinks . And she hates Aunt . She was going to leave once I felt at home here , but now she says that she 's going to stay as long as I want her to . Mandy 's made lots of friends here . Mandy even found some of her family living up in the huge tree on the edge of the clearing . It 's getting hard for me to keep track of them all - they live such complicated lives . After I made lunch yesterday , I was tired , and I wanted to write here in my diary . But Aunt wanted me to help Brot with the skins again . She couldn 't find me at first , so she lost her temper and yelled at me . So I froze up , scared , and tried to hide under the table . She always finds me . Then she calls me a lazy girl , and drags me out from under the table . I can see bruises on my arm where she did it . Brot and Ruth are much older than me . They call me a bratty cousin , and they won 't talk to me . But they aren 't allowed to tell me what to do , except when I have to help Brot with the skins . That 's why I hate doing it . Uncle doesn 't have a lot of money . We live in a little cottage in a clearing in the forest . We keep a few animals in the clearing - chooks , pigs , and a few goats . We sell things that Uncle and Brot scavenge from the forest , and also animal skins , mostly deer . No one ever comes out here . People are afraid of the forest . But Uncle won 't leave the forest . He goes and trades with the village folk right on the edge of the forest . I think he 's an outlaw , but he won 't talk about it . The cottage is small . There 's the living area , and two walled off bedrooms , one for Uncle and Aunt , and one for Brot and Ruthy . They have a blanket dividing their room up into the girl bit and the boy bit . The girl bit is much easier to clean . There 's a stove in the living area , Uncle 's pride and joy . There 's also a little storeroom where we keep food . There 's no place for me here . I can 't even sit at the table when we eat . I sit on the dirt floor . Except when they make me serve them . There 's also an outhouse and the stables . Where I sleep with the animals . I 've got a secret box in the stables where I store my things . I 've got my diary , and a weird old dress and musty old blanket I found in the stable , and a good luck charm that I found . Mandy is the only one who knows where it is . The forest is dark and gloomy . Everyone is scared of the forest . They say that there 's scary dangerous magical creatures . No one ever goes into the forest : if they do , they 'll never be seen again . Most people won 't even come as far as our clearing . I know they say that Uncle is crazy . I don 't know why . There 's tall majestic trees dropping soft pine needle leaves onto the ground , and lovely enchanting shafts of light drifting down through the forest canopy in the early morning and late afternoon . There 's not even any wild animals there - just the timid little deer that Brot hunts . Uncle says he 's not afraid of the forest . But I 've watched , and they won 't go across the other side of the creek that makes the edge of our clearing . They 've told me not to go over there either . In the night , they tell me scary stories about the monsters that live on the other side of the creek . At first , I was really scared of the monsters . Every story is the same . Some child ( usually a girl ) crosses over the creek and ends up getting eaten by a horrible ugly scary monster who never ever lets anyone escape . So if the beast never lets anyone escape , how do they know what it looks like ? So when I don 't want to be found , I cross over the creek , and explore the forest . I thought that I 'd be scared , at first , but Mandy comes with me , and keeps me safe . She won 't let me get eaten by a scary monster . Also , there 's all kinds of deer , squirrels , some strange kind of goats , and lots of birds . I found this lovely glade , a clearing full of long grass . I love to just lie on the ground and listen to the songs of the birds . I think its day 15 . I think it was only two days that I didn 't get to write in my diary . It 's hard to keep track of sometimes . I 've been very busy . We 're getting ready to visit the village to trade skins and things . I wonder if I 'll get to go ? I 've never been allowed to go before . Aunt stays home with me , but I heard her say that she 's going this time . I thought I saw my mum again today . I had been in the creek doing the washing , and I wasn 't thinking clearly , I was so cold . I thought I saw her across the other side of the clearing , waving at me . I ran all the way over there , but when I got there , she wasn 't there . She never is . Which stands to reason , since she died . But why do I keep seeing her ? Am I going crazy ? I don 't mind . I don 't have to clean up much . I didn 't even have to make bread this morning ! I can write a big long diary entry today . I 've been getting better at writing too . I 'm glad I 'm keeping a diary . It 's not as good as going to school , but it 's better than nothing . I just have to remember to keep the diary hidden . Really well hidden . Uncle doesn 't like words . He was talking about that this morning . People who write things down are just trying to cheat you , he said . But I know better . Dro is from my old village . He works for the soap maker . He takes a cart that is loaded with soap and sells it to everyone within a day or two of the village . He visits us about once a month . Nobody else comes to Uncle 's cottage , not just because of the scary forest , but also because Aunt has no money to be a - wasting on fripperies , as she calls them . But soap , we buy soap . As well as for cleaning , Brot uses it to clean the deerskins . If he didn 't , we couldn 't sell them for as much money . Dro didn 't use to come - they had to go meet him at the edge of the forest . But once I came to live here , he started to come right to the cottage . It 's so wonderful to talk with Dro ! I can stop being scared for a while , and talk to a friend . I 've known Dro as long as I can remember . He 's a few years older than me . The best part is that he brings me news of the village , and about Scotten . The last time I saw Scotten , he was lying on the ground crying after Aunt slapped him and called him a wicked little runt . He had nothing , no future . I was really afraid for him . I imagined all sorts of terrible things happening to him . But some baker near in a village near ours didn 't have any children , so he took Scotten in as his boy . Scotten has to work really hard , but he 's eating well , and he 's not getting beaten . Dro says that it 's good , and Scotten is very lucky . If he works hard enough , eventually the bakery will be his . I 'm happy . Scotten has a Future . I wonder what my Future will be ? So I was walking back to the cottage when all of a sudden I noticed that the forest had gone quiet . A shiver went down my back . All the scary stories Uncle or Brot tell me , that 's what happens when the monster finds you ! One of Brot 's favourite scary stories is about a ghostly white horse , and this horse was pure white . I was terrified . I could hear my heart beating . I couldn 't breathe , or move . Uncle always says that in his stories , but I didn 't think it was really like that . We looked at each other , and I waited for the horse to knock me down , like Brot said . But gradually I realised that the horse was as scared as me ! Why would such a big horse be so afraid of little me ? I lifted my hand and stretched it out towards the horse , talking gently to it . The horse flinched and leant backwards . I could see it was even more afraid than me , so I very slowly crept forward . When I got closer to the horse , I could feel its breathing , shallow rapid breaths that almost matched the shivers running up and down the horse . It was so afraid , I felt so sorry for it . When I saw that the horse had a saddle and a bit in its mouth , I knew that it wasn 't a wild horse . It belongs to a person , but it was lost in the forest ! A big horse like that shouldn 't be scared . But it was , just like me . Maybe it has an Aunt too ? The horse flinched when I finally touched its nose , but didn 't run away . I spoke to it as gently as I could . " Hello , big horse . You don 't need to be afraid of me . I 'm not going to hurt you . You 're so big and so strong , and I 'm so little , but you 're so scared . What could have happened to you ? " The horse looked at me , almost as if it understood what I was saying . It pushed its head gently into my chest , so I reached up and rubbed it along its neck . " Someone 's been really nasty to you , so you 've run away , huh ? " I didn 't know what to do . I should have taken it back to the road , and tried to find its owner , but I didn 't have time , and I decided that I wouldn 't take it back to a horrible owner . I didn 't want Uncle to know about the horse . So I decided to take it to the glade that I like to visit , on the other side of the creek . " My name is Tenni , and I live in the forest , " I told the horse , when I saw it was still scared and nervous . " And I know what it 's like to be treated badly . " I told the horse all about Aunt while I took it there . It liked the sound of my voice . The horse is going to be my secret . I 'm not going to tell anyone else about it . Except for Mandy , of course . I 've told Mandy not to be jealous now that I have a new friend . Mandy can be friends with it too . The horse likes the glade I gave it . It should . It 's a magical spot - the grass is rich and long and there 's a gentle brook running past one end of it . Yesterday I took all the things off it . I know how . I was a bit scared , especially when I had to take the bit out of its mouth , but it didn 't bite me . It did take me almost all afternoon , and my fingers were so sore afterwards . I 'm not used to working tough knots like that . Diary , I 'm going to change when I write in you . Aunt come back from the village with a little lamp for me in the stable , so I 'm going to write in you at night . That 'll mean that I can write in you every day . I thought I might have to stop writing in you so I could visit the horse . Aunt says I won 't be sleeping inside the cottage now that I have a lamp , until winter comes , so I will be able to write every night , as much as I want to . I think she was a bit surprised that I wasn 't as upset as I should be . I 'll have to try and pretend to be angry . Today , when I went to visit the horse , I took two things with me . The first was an apple , because I 've heard that horses love apples . We don 't have lots of spare apples , they 're quite a treat . So this morning I worked extra hard , and then Aunt said I could have an apple when I asked her . Instead of eating it , I took it to give to the horse . Also , I found an old horse brush in the stables , and I cleaned it all up . It certainly doesn 't belong to Uncle , they 've never had any horses , so it must from whoever lived here before that . I wonder who they were ? As soon as I walked into the glade , the horse came running over to see me . He pushed his nose up info me chest to say hello , and I gave him a bug hug around the neck . Yes , I checked , and the horse is a boy - a big stallion . I led the horse over a rock , and then I stood on the rock and brushed him down . He 's so big , and it took me so long ! But he liked it , I could tell . I found some bruises , spots where he hurt when I touched him . Poor Horse . When I finished , I pulled the apple out of my pocket . He grabbed it out of my hands straight away , and gobbled it straight up . Then he made this funny snorting sound and tried to get into my pocket to see if he could find another apple . I squealed and jumped off the rock , and then he chased me around the field . When I stopped , he nudged me again , and then we both laughed and laughed . I led him all round the glade , telling it about all the reasons why this is the perfect place for it to stay . I hope he stays . We can be friends forever . And when I 'm bigger , I 'll put the saddle back on him , and learn to ride him . I 'm glad that I have this lamp now , so I can write at night . It means I can write for longer . And I have so much to write about after today . A real weird thing happened . The horse , he Today Aunt said it was washing day , but even that couldn 't upset me . I have a friend to visit ! Anyway , it was a nice warm day today . I did the washing as quickly as I could , so it would be done . But then Aunt asked me why I was so happy . I didn 't know what to say . I 'm happy because I 've got a friend , and because it 's my SECRET . But if I tell her that , then it won 't be my secret anymore . And there 's no way I 'm going to tell Aunt about my horse . I know I 'm not supposed to lie , but I told her it was because I 'm getting used to living with them , beginning to feel like home . As I was telling her , I could hear my dad inside my head , telling me that telling a lie is like a juggler : he 's juggling and he 's going to add another ball . How many bells are you going to juggle , he 'd ask me , when I got caught lying to them . But what else could I do ? Aunt smiled and smiled . I wanted to run off to see the horse after lunch , but Ruth made me braid her hair . She 's going to go visit a village with Aunt to see if they can find her a husband , and she keeps doing her hair again and again . I don 't care how nice she makes her hair , she won 't get a good husband with that piggy look on her face . So I was late to the horse , and I didn 't get to spend much time with him . But I talked and talked to him , about everything . I 've never had anyone that I can talk to so much before . But . . . the way he looks at me . Weird . As if he understands me . But what would I know ? It 's strange . I think the horse really does understand me . I was talking to him today , telling him about Aunt , and Ruth , and he cuddled up to me close when I was upset . I 'm sure he understands me . Diary , am I going crazy ? I know that Mandy isn 't real . So that doesn 't make me crazy . But a horse that understands ? But I know what I saw . I 'm sorry I didn 't finish yesterday 's entry . It turned out that I was in trouble for something else too . Aunt came out to yell at me for wasting lamp oil . I only got you , diary , hidden just in time . She didn 't take the lamp away from me , but it was close . So now I 'm going to have to do short diary entries for a while . Horse is my best friend ever . It 's so wonderful to have a friend who can really talk about my life , and we have lots in common . I 'm feeling so much better . But I know that 's not going to last , because of who Horse is . He belongs to the son of someone who is really rich . They spend lots of money on him , and they looked after him really well . But then he got a new groom who was nasty to him , so when he got the chance , he ran away into the forest . The son is the same age as me , and he loved Horse , so I 'm sure they 're looking for him . Tonight is going to be a long diary entry . I heard Aunt snooping around last night after I put the lamp out , so I think I 'm going to be alright . I hope . We 've been talking about what happened to each of us . We 've agreed that what happened isn 't fair . It 's not fair that my parents died , that I 'm stuck here in the forest , just a servant - girl with no chance to make something of myself . And it 's not fair that he got a groom who beat him and didn 't feed him properly . But that 's just how it is . There 's nothing we can do about it . We 'll just have to make the best of our lives however we can . Horse says that he 's going to stay in the forest , he likes it there . Maybe , when I 'm bigger , I 'll have a go at riding him . I platted his mane . He looks great . I offered to plat Ruthy 's hair as practice . She was so surprised , she platted mine back . That 's the first time she 's ever done anything for me . In fact , things are bit better with Aunt now . She 's not being quite so mean . She still makes me do everything , but she 's not being so nasty to me anymore . Oh . How come Horse can talk ? Well , it 's a bit strange , isn 't it ? So I asked Horse , and guess what ? He doesn 't know . All he knows is that he started to be able understand people when he was small , and then , one day , a person said something insulting to him , and he snorted at them . Except that he actually said a rude word to them instead . He says he was so surprised . The person looked at him strangely , but I think they must have thought they imagined it , because they just went away . I can understand . He talks all funny , just like you 'd imagine a horse talking , full of hrrrrrfs and eeehhhs and other horsey sounds , but you can make out the words if you listen carefully . Finally he tried to talk to his groom . Just like me , the groom was worried that he was going crazy , except he didn 't get over that like I did . Well , I wouldn 't have minded if it was me going crazy , but I don 't think I am . Maybe he hadn 't got an Aunt . Anyway , the groom ran away . And then they got a new groom , the mean and nasty one , which is why Horse ran away too . Poor Horse , he was sooooooooo lonely . No one to talk to , and his groom was mean . No wonder he ran away . I think he was looking for his first groom , but he found me instead . Aunt says that they 'll try him , and when they find him guilty , they 'll kill him . When I asked why they 'd find him guilty when he didn 't do it , Uncle laughed and said that Dro 's a peasant like us , so of course he 'll be guilty . Aunt said he 's guilty any way , what with that shifty look on his face . Aunt is all excited . Dro 's trial is tomorrow afternoon at the castle . We 're all going to watch it , so that I ' can learn to be a better person ' . Well , I 've decided what I 'm going to do . Tomorrow , I 'm going to run away in the morning . I 'm going to spend the day with Horse , saying good bye . Then I 'm going to take him back to the castle , if I can find it , so that they won 't kill Dro . I don 't know what they 'll do with me . I guess [ . . . ] me instead . Sorry for the blotch in the sentence above . I cried into my diary . But it doesn 't matter . I can 't just watch it happen . Mum and Dad taught me better than that . Well , I did it . I ran away at first light . The only thing I took was that weird old dress I found in the stable , and my diary . Aunt can 't say I stole anything . I 've spent the morning with Horse talking about everything that has happened . He never saw Dro , he ran away all by himself . It 's just bad luck that it happened the same day Dro was travelling along that same path . But he agrees with me , we have to do something . Horse says his real name is Lightning , and that I must take him back . I 've saddled him up , and I 'm going to ride him back to the castle - that 's right , me , I 'm going to ride him , oh ! - and give him up . We 're ready to go , but I 'm just writing a last diary entry to say good bye . I 'm going to take you , diary , with me , and maybe someone will read it and understand that I didn 't really steal Lightning .

People always have pondered what another intelligent being would be like . They 've always theorized that these beings would be light years away and that us , humans , would be dead a very long time before we ever made contact with them . Other people say that they have already met them after being abducted and experimented on . Then some will say that we are the only intelligent being there are or ever will be . Well , I can say one thing for sure and that 's no one was right . We were all so very wrong … Back when I was a teenager , I 'll admit I was a smoker and an avid drug user . I 'd done most drugs that were deemed " safe " from my friends such as LSD , MDMA , DMT , many prescription drugs , and I even had a phase where I did some over - the - counter drugs . As a teen , I like to think I played it smart by only doing those every so often and stick with my main fix . Weed . I used weed almost as a social tool to some extent . What I mean by that is it got me to meet people who all were similar to me in at least the one aspect ; we just wanted to get high . Around the end of my Sophomore year I met this kid named Ralph at a party and we quickly found out that we had a lot in common so we became friends . When summer came , I 'd hang out at his house , which was out in the middle of a forest , at least 4 or 5 times a week . While I was at his house , we 'd barely ever go inside because his parents never liked anyone in there . Instead , we 'd go to his barn which was filled with cats that were most likely illegally being held . You 're probably thinking why the fuck someone would hold cats in a barn . His mom actually bread some very expensive cats ranging from around $ 500 - $ 3 , 000 . She never had a permit for it either , and most of them were very maltreated by barely being fed or given water . Anyways we would hang out in that barn for hours every time I came over and all we would really do is smoke weed and cigarettes . We grew bored of that after a couple weeks since there wasn 't much to do so he started to show me some cool spots throughout his neighborhood . Some of the places were just a great view like this place we called the ledge which was on a small mountain . From the ledge , we could see the entire forest stretch out so far that we couldn 't even come close to seeing the end of it . Then there were spots that were just cool like the cliffs which is pretty self explanatory from its name . My favorite place was what we called the old house . The old house was an abandon house down a long driveway with many " No Trespassing " signs , but we had thought whatever the owner didn 't know wouldn 't hurt them . The house was a three story building that looked as if no one had lived there for probably around 50 + years . As you could imagine , the house was obviously decently decayed , and very neglected by wildlife and everyone that had been there . All the windows were busted out , parts of trees grew inside the house , the floor was broken in , parts of walls were missing showing the inside of the wall which most likely was filled with asbestos . The walls that weren 't broken in had graffiti covering almost every inch possible . The house 's obvious property was pretty big probably being a couple acres . Decently thick brush surrounded the yard and a side building that was presumably an out house . The house and it 's property also had an eerie feel to it , but what abandon house doesn 't ? Most of the time we would visit there during the day , but I personally thought the best time to go was at night . The rush I would get from this place past dark was unreal . Only people who have been in an abandon house in the middle of the forest over night would know what I mean . I had only done this a few times as I would go alone because Ralph would refuse to go there during the night . One night , we were at the barn around 20 : 00 and I was trying really hard to convince him to come with me to the old house . Like always , he constantly said no . This ended up making me mad so I demanded him to tell why he wouldn 't come with me . He sighed and said " Well , this going to seem a little ridiculous , but I saw … something … in the forest by there . " Back when he was 9 or 10 , him and his friend Carl wanted to find a spot where they could go to get away from both of their families . After a few weeks of exploring through the woods , they came across the old house , but in a slightly different state . Apparently , there were around 9 or 10 paths all around the house where the brush grew now . Him and Carl would try to always explore one path every time they would go to the house until they ran out . This would allow them to have something new to do every time they visited . Some paths took a couple days as they would walk pretty slow at first absorbing the scenery of the forest and its inhabitants . When they would turn back , they would leave a marking in the ground or put a pile of sticks together and leave it at the furthest point they reached . The next time they would visit the old house they would quickly walk past everything they have already seen until they go to their " checkpoint " . They never found anything interesting enough on these paths to actually keep , but a few weird things began happening . Oddly enough , it was only on the final three paths . Mostly the mysterious happenings effected the checkpoints . The checkpoint at the first of the three was just a stack of sticks tied together by some long pieces of grass . Ralph and him came back the next day excited as they always were when they explored one of the paths . Eventually the checkpoint came to view , but it wasn 't how they left . The sticks were ripped in to pieces in a pile . This didn 't bother either of them though since they thought it was maybe a fox or another animal in the woods . Ralph said looking back now , it wasn 't possible for any animal to make those sticks look like that . The second of the three checkpoints was four sticks jabbed into the ground in a square pattern . Carl was going to be out of the town for the next couple days so it was there for a few days . The day he came back , they both were happily went down the path . When they finally arrived to the checkpoint , there were 3 more squares of sticks in the ground next time the first one making a giants square of sticks . This made both of them a little uneasy , but they kept going down the path a little more hesitant . Nothing else out of the ordinary happened on the path . They ended up exploring the last path all the way on the same day . Half of it was explored during the day in which they made a star in the ground with a stick . Both of them were very eager to finish this one therefore they made a plan . At exactly midnight , they would both sneak out of their houses and meet up at the old house . Carl was suppose to bring two flashlights while Ralph was going to bring two of his father 's pocket knives . Everything went exactly as planned . They met up and started going down the path . Ralph and Carl quickly realized that the paths at night weren 't as appealing to the eye . In fact , most of it was straight up terrifying . Neither of them would end up saying anything about it because they both wanted to to be brave . When they finally reached the checkpoint , they shone their flashlights on it and what they saw would leave them breathless . Right next to the original star was another star that sloppily drawn . Ralph told that it resembled what you would think a two year old would draw for a star . The worst part was it was at least an inch deep and a half an inch in diameter . At first , Carl wanted to turn around and go home , but Ralph convinced him not to . Ralph said that someone probably saw them leave the property of the old house after the sixth trail . That person then began to mess with their checkpoints in order to scare them off so they would stay off the property . Carl thought about Ralph 's theory and came to the conclusion he was probably right so they continued down to finish the path . Apparently this path was very long compared to the rest . The further and further they went down the path , the weirder things got . On some of the trees there were deep gashes almost splitting some of the trees in half and some of them were even knocked over . These sites became more and more common the deeper they went . Then they reached a clearing in the shape of circle probably being about 100 yards across . There was no grass and no trees except one . It was in the middle of the glade and had a tower built into it . Eventually , they would name it the watch tower due to the structure of the building . The watch tower was very crudely built out of wood and being around 4 stories tall . On the bottom floor , there was a doorway which looked abnormally big . The second had a balcony above the door with no railing and it 's supports sticking in the ground . Next was the third floor which was pretty plain only having what appeared to be a window . Finally was the fourth floor . It was almost like a roof , but not quite . Presumably , there was either a ladder or stairs leading up there . It had almost a railing around the perimeter . They didn 't notice the fourth floor at first because when they looked at it from an upward angle , it would appear as a flat roof . But that 's when they noticed it . There was a very tall humanoid creature standing on the top . This thing was looking in the opposite direction of Ralph and Carl and most of it features were impossible to see in the darkness . Both of them stood absolutely still staring at the creature for what felt like hours . Neither of them noticed how quiet the forest was until this point . In fact , it was so quiet that they both heard the ringing noise your brain makes up when there is no noise to hear . After a few minutes , it began to move about the top of the watch tower . The creature reached it 's hand up into the air making a motion that looked as if it was stretching . What they saw would scar them forever . This thing had claws for fingers , but probably not the way you 're thinking of . The sharp part of the claws were where the back of your finger would be leaving the other side dull . They were also opposable and probably around 10 inches long . Ralph managed to hold back his scream , but Carl wasn 't so lucky . The second Ralph heard a noise come from Carl 's mouth , he dived on him tackling him to the ground covering his mouth as they fell . Ralph looked Carl straight in the eyes and brought one finger up to his lips letting him know to not make a noise . When they finally looked back over at the creature he was looking directly at them . Both of their hearts stopped and they held their breath trying not to move a muscle . Fortunately for them , the darkness was the perfect camouflage leaving them invisible to the creature . It began looking around them frantically almost as if it was scanning the area to find where the noise had come from . That 's when they noticed a silhouette of the same thing standing in the third story window looking in their direction also . Suddenly , the creature jumped from the roof making a loud bang and a cloud of dust rising from the ground . Ralph and Carl both looked at each other and knew exactly what they had to do , run . They both ran as fast as they ever have the way they came from hoping the creature didn 't see or hear them . After about 10 minutes , they finally came to a stop . Ralph almost collapsed , but thankfully Carl managed to catch him and softly lower him to the ground . Both of them sat there in utter silence listening while trying to catch their breath . Neither of them heard a sound except for forest wildlife which had seem to return to the forest . After a few minutes , both of them just walked home not saying a word to each other . I was speechless . Like who really would know what to say after hearing all that ? Honestly , I thought it was all bullshit at first and responded with a really sarcastic comment about it being a nice story . But the look in his eyes after I said that convinced me other wise . We went to sleep after that , but I don 't really think either of us got much sleep . Neither of us talked to each other for a couple days , but then it went back to how it used to be . After a couple weeks I brought up the idea of going to the watchtower just so we can clear things up . Initially , he said no , but with a bit of convincing I got him up to a maybe . I said we would do it smart this time and bring a gun or two and maybe some knives . This made him feel better and agreed , but we have to bring a few more people . We both called some friends and planned it for the next weekend . Sleep didn 't come easy over the next week . I had nightmares about the watch tower and those creatures . Most of the dreams have either been forgotten or my brain subconsciously blocked them . Though that was not the case for one of the horrid dreams . I was one of them . I stood at the top of the watchtower looking out at the surrounding forest , hungry looking for anything that I could eat . Something moved in the woods and I quickly looked where it came from . Darkness plagued the forest making it very hard for my non human eyes to see . Maybe it moved I thought and began looking around the general area I heard it from . Nothing . I descended the ladder that was behind me . I saw the silhouette of one of them standing staring out the window . This started to make me uneasy in my dream as I began to realize that what I was couldn 't be right . I kept going down the ladder and went past the second floor and then I reached the first floor . The weird part was , the ladder kept going down underground . Hesitantly I went down it into the complete darkness . I kept going down and down until I noticed a light coming from below . The light got closer and closer until it was right below me . As I was about to see what it was , I woke up in a cold sweat . Not feeling good , I walked to the bathroom and threw up . A week had finally passed and we all met up at Ralphs house . I brought two of my friends , one was John who was a bodybuilder , and Austin who was just a very good friend of mine . Ralph only managed to get one of his friends to come . His name was Mark and he was a wrestler . We each brought something that could possibly help us on the adventure into the unknown . John brought a backpack filled with water and food just incase we managed to get lost or if one of us was hungry / thirsty . Austin managed to take his dad 's . 44 magnum with enough bullets to go through 5 magazines ( not sure what they are really called on a magnum ) Mark found an old machete in his garage a few months ago and with a little convincing , his parents agreed to let him have it , so of course he brought that . Ralph took his dad 's shotgun and had around 40 bullets for it minus what was already loaded into it . Unfortunately , I wasn 't able to bring anything that could be of much use , but I brought a few pocket knives and for myself , a butterfly knife . We left for the old house at about 8 in the morning . The only reason we left so early was we 'd rather face these things during the day . As we got there we all immediately figured out our one flaw with this plan , the path didn 't exist anymore . Fortunately , Mark had the machete so he began to cut his way through the brush . We were all worried the whole path would be covered in this brush , but it was only for about the first hundred or hundred and fifty feet . The strange part was that after it ended , there was none for the rest of the path . All there was grass nothing more , nothing less . So we sat there and ate . While we were eating , I sat there absorbing the scenery . It was about noon so the sun was high up in the sky lighting up everything that wasn 't directly below the trees which wasn 't much . The light or should I say the lack of light allowed me to notice something odd . As they walked next to me , they noticed it too . On the tree was one of the claw marks Ralph had told me about . There were 4 total claws that caused it . Each mark was about an inch and a half or two inches deep while being about an inch across . We all definitely felt the tension rising the further we walked through the path as all of us began to talk less . Occasionally I 'd look over at my friends just to make sure they were okay and all of them minus Ralph had a look fear in their eyes . The look Ralph had was that of regret and terror . Slowly I started to become conscious . I opened my eyes and was blinded by light so I quickly closed them tightly shut . The light made me notice my horrific head ache . At this point I was still very disorientated so I wasn 't really worried . All the memories of what just happened began flooding back into my head . This made me not want to open my eyes . I was hoping maybe somehow my friends got me out of the trap and were just resting for a second so they lied me down , but the noises I began hearing made me realize that was not what happened at all . It sounded almost like a voice but , it was very deep and malicious . Whatever it was , it wasn 't human and there was definitely at least three of them . They were having a conversation about who knows what . I could only assume it was about me which caused me to worry for my life and my friends life . At first I thought I should just keep my eyes closed and not move , but why stop the inevitable ? Once I opened my eyes , I noticed that the light shining on my face was coming from a very strange light . The light source was surrounded by some type of glass in the shape of a cube with little metal rods sticking out from each corner emitting a what I presumed was electricity into a glowing orb in the middle . Several of these hung from the unusually high ceiling throughout the room . About halfway across the room , a row of bars and a door came all the way across the room blocking me off from the other side of the room . On my side , there wasn 't really much at all . In the corner of the room laid a blanket and what I assumed was suppose to be some sort of pillow made purely from cloth or something . The corner across from that one had a hole about a foot in diameter . It had to have been pretty deep too because you couldn 't see the bottom even with the light placed directly above it . At the center of my side was a huge pillar with some crazy type of writing wrapping around it from top to bottom . The other side was very … weird . One of the corners was completely blocked off like it was an abnormally large cubicle . The other side had a couple of very big containers almost like an 8 foot filing cabinet except they only had a single drawer taking up where all the drawers would be . Along the back wall was a door except , it didn 't have a door knob . On the floor directly in front of the door was markings of what I assumed was another creatures footprints . Tubes hung from the ceiling in a very strange pattern . I kept hearing the voices I had been hearing earlier from the general direction the cubicle was at . Slowly the voices were growing in volume , almost like there was some type of tension in that cubicle . The louder the voices grew , the more malign they sounded . Eventually it was almost like the creatures were having a full out argument ; they were what seemed to be yelling , occasionally stomping on the ground . The stomping was nerve wrecking at the least . Every time they 'd stomp it would shake the entire room meaning the creature itself had to have been large . Very large . The creature was horrific ; it was about 8 feet tall , very muscular and looked like a humanoid . This things skin looked thick , almost like leather minus the brown color . Instead it was a sort of a darker pink , but not quite red . One of the creatures leg would be as thick as a car tire and about four to four and a half feet long . The feet looked almost human , but very large and instead of toes , it had small versions of the claws described in Ralph 's story . It 's torso was abnormally small compared to the rest of it body , but it still remained one of the most muscular parts of its body . His arms were long , hanging down to about its knees , but the worse part was the dreaded claws it had instead of fingers . They were just like Ralph described except I could clearly see that they were a whitish yellow , almost like teeth meaning they were most likely bone instead of whatever nails are made from . The face was the thing that stood out the most . Honestly , it still gives me nightmares today . . Anyways , it 's head was very proportionate to the rest of its body , just like a humans . hung out of the edge of its mouth being significantly longer than the rest of its fangs which might I add it had several rows of fangs . The tongue was like a humans except completely flat . There wasn 't a nose , instead holes for nostrils much like a snake . No ears existed either ; just holes like the nose except it had some type of filter covering the ear most likely blocking things from crawling in there . The hair was possibly the strangest part , it looked almost like rope hanging from its head except you could tell each " rope " was a single piece of hair . Before I noticed any of those features though , I noticed it 's dreaded eyes . Where the white is in our eyes was black in this things eyes . The black took up a majority of its eyes with a white iris that took up a space as thin as pencil lead . Red pupils were in the center of the eye . Anyways I ended up calling these things wolverines because of their claws . After I threw up , I looked up at the wolverine as he looked back at me . A smile grew across his face which sent a shiver down my spine . It stopped in its path and we just stared at each other for probably about five minutes when he turned around . The wolverine quickly ran back into the cubicle . I heard the voices again until three wolverines walked from behind the cubicle . All of them stared at me with the same disturbing smile . Eventually one said something while staring at me . At first , I wasn 't too sure who it was talking to , but it became obvious he was talking to me as he began saying the same phrase three or four times . Not sure what to do , I replied with the simple phrase of I don 't understand what your saying . It quickly frowned and began walking towards the door . The wolverine stood where the foot prints were when they slightly moved down . The door flew open and then all three wolverines walked out . For the next few hours , I was in there alone . At first I quickly began looking around for an exit but , came to no avail . I gave up and just began thinking about Ralph , Austin , John , and Mark . What happened to them ? Were they okay ? Did all of them get stuck in the trap ? Who got away ? Are they even still alive ? All these thoughts started becoming too much and I honestly started to cry . Hard . I probably cried for about thirty minutes when I started thinking again . At the time I thought what 's the point in crying ? I mean it 's not gonna get me anywhere and all it 's gonna do is dehydrate me . And what if they don 't give me water ? It will only make the inevitable come so much quicker then I wanted . After a few hours had passed , a couple wolverines came back except it brought a table with straps where my feet and hands would be . They opened the door in the middle of the room as I groaned waiting for my fate . It picked me up with what felt like actual care , almost like a mom picking up its baby . This made me very confused at first until I figured out they were treating me like a piece of evidence ; with care to try and not alter me . I was lied down on the table and was strapped in . One of them opened the door while the other pushed me . We went through a very weird hallway that looked like something like a hallway in an asylum and ended up in a room I could only call an operating room . For a couple minutes , the two wolverines talked . After they finished , they began making marks all over my body where I presumed they were going to cut open . The wolverine grabbed a knife and made an insertion in my forehead and my right arm . I guess the other wolverine called him as he put the knife down next to my right hand . This was my chance , my chance to escape , to get away . I quickly began looking around for an exit . At first , I couldn 't find anyway out as I knew the door wouldn 't work for me but , thats when I noticed another hole in the corner of the room except it was slightly bigger than the one in my cell . I grabbed the knife and quickly began cutting the restraint on my right hand . While I was cutting it I kept looking up to make sure they weren 't paying attention and fortunately they weren 't . The first restraint took the longest to cut , but the rest only took a second . I was free , well from the restraints at least . As quietly as I could , I got up and was crawling towards the hole when I heard it scream . For a second , I thought I went deaf . How incredibly loud that scream was . This disorientated me to the point of me not being able to move . I quickly managed to compose myself together while one was beginning to run towards me . I couldn 't make a run for the hole because before I 'd reach it , the wolverine would get me . At this point I still had the knife so I did the only thing I could think of . I threw it straight at the wolverine hitting it in the head . The knife itself was very sharp , but due to the creatures thick skin it only went in about an eighth of an inch . Fortunately , this was enough to stun the beast for a split second . I quickly turned around , got to the hole and jumped down . I could barely fit in the hole so as I fell I constantly hit the walls . I only fell about 50 feet or so until I hit water or some type of liquid . For some reason , it had a very strong current though so it dragged me right along with it . The water was only a few feet deep which most likely saved me from drowning . After about 15 minutes or so I saw light from the way I was going . Happiness overwhelmed me the closer and closer I got . Finally I got out of the cave or whatever I was in and was in sunlight . I quickly got out of the water on the side of the river and lied down absorbing all the sunlight I could . I actually ended up falling in a deep sleep right there on the shore . I was in my bed , nice and warm . Feeling pretty content , I got up and went to shower . Hot water poured all over my body , cleansing every pore in my body . The kitchen was right above the bathroom so I could always smell what was being made . My mom this morning was making eggs and bacon so you know what my bathroom smelt like . I got out of the shower , dried myself off , got dressed , and went up stairs for an amazing breakfast . That morning we had a family breakfast , something we never usually do . My dad told elaborate stories about his childhood memories which would bring joy and light to each person in my family . My mom would talk about her job and getting a raise which would mean things were going to change around here , for the better . My sister talked about how she met this amazing guy and how she thought he might actually be " the one " . I rolled my eyes at this and laughed as I washed my plate clean . All of the sudden , I heard glass breaking coming from the basement . My dad said as quietly and frantically as he could , " Go upstairs , lock yourselves in your room and don 't make a noise . " All of us did exactly as he said except I went a little further and hid inside my closet . I sat there for what like hours and listened as closely as I could to try and here what was happening downstairs . All I could hear was banging which filled me with fear . Something was starting to come up stairs and it sounded bigger than my dad . I held my breath and got in the fetal position as it started to walk towards my room . Whatever it was , it sounded like it had taken my door clean off the hinges . It walked towards my closet and opened the door . Looking right at me was a wolverine with a huge smile on its face . The monster picked me up and threw me towards the wall . Thats when I woke up . When you first wake up , you 're usually really dazed and disoriented especially after a dream . Well that 's what I was like as I was flying through the air . I didn 't really understand what was going on until I hit the tree . The second I hit the tree was the second collapsed . I spit up a shit ton of blood and looked up . Staring straight at me was a wolverine about 30 feet away with the same grin on his face as the one in the dream . At this point my adrenaline began rushing , but it wasn 't too much help as I couldn 't even really stand . The creature slowly began walking towards me making the noise that I could only describe as laughter . I began looking around frantically trying to find someway to get out of there when I noticed the river about 5 feet away from me . I quickly rolled in to it as the current took me with it . As I began going down the river I saw the creature quickly jump into it trying to chase after me . I tried to swim with the current to make me a little bit faster , but it never helped much . The further and further down the river I went the closer the beast got to me . At one point , it swung its claw towards me but missed . While it 's claw was right by my leg , I quickly used all the strength in my body to force myself further away . Let 's just say it didn 't really work . Somehow , he countered it grabbing my ankle and flinging me into the air further down the river which I noticed turned into a lake . I crashed down in shallow water on the opposite side of where the river came out at . I knew this was the end of me , both my legs had to be broken at this point and same with my arms . The creature got dumped out into the lake , but something surprising happened . The creature flailed its arms in every direction , filling the air with that dreaded scream . I was very confused about what was happening at first , but then it hit me like a ton of bricks . It can 't swim ! It was drowning in the deep part of the water ! I was filled with relief until I lost consciousness most likely due to blood loss . I slowly opened my eyes and realized I was in a hospital bed . Looking down at my body , I noticed I was almost completely covered in bandages while both my legs and one of my arms were in casts . My mom was sleeping on a chair they had placed next to my bed . I smiled and said her name probably about five times until she woke up . I don 't think I 've ever seen my mom cry so hard or heard her scream so loud . Police questioned me over the next few days about what had happened . I didn 't really know what to say so I made up a story about how me and a friend went exploring down the river when I fell in , hit my head , and passed out in the river . Next they asked which friend and I said Carl . Apparently , Carl had been missing for a couple days now , way before I " passed out " in the river . I became a main suspect in his disappearance , but there was a lack of evidence to actually convict me . One thing to this day still makes me very curious . What happened to Austin , Mark and John ? Did they go crazy ? Maybe they just kept quiet about it ? Or did they even get captured too ? Honestly , who knows , but I can only assume they were probably captured too . Whenever you 're in a forest and see a strange structure that doesn 't look quite so normal , PLEASE get out of there . The wolverines are probably there and they have no mercy . They are way more powerful than us humans . If for some reason you do come across one of them though , find some near by deep water and jump right in . Don 't worry , you can swim and they can 't . Well that is unless they 've learned how to swim since then . Amazing story , but I didnt quite get the last part . I thought Carl was Ralphs childhood friend who moved across the country ? Why would he ask for Carl after he woke up in the hospital and not Ralph ? Overall , it really creeped me out . People always have pondered what another intelligent being would be like . They 've always theorized that these beings would be light years away and that us , humans , would be dead a very long time before we ever made contact with them . Other people say that they have already met them after being abducted and experimented on . Then some will say that we are the only intelligent being there are or ever will be . Well , I can say one thing for sure and that 's no one was right . We were all so very wrong … Back when I was a teenager , I 'll admit I was a smoker and an avid drug user . I 'd done most drugs that were deemed " safe " from my friends such as LSD , MDMA , DMT , many prescription drugs , and I even had a phase where I did some over - the - counter drugs . As a teen , I like to think I played it smart by only doing those every so often and stick with my main fix . Weed . I used weed almost as a social tool to some extent . What I mean by that is it got me to meet people who all were similar to me in at least the one aspect ; we just wanted to get high . Around the end of my Sophomore year I met this kid named Ralph at a party and we quickly found out that we had a lot in common so we became friends . When summer came , I 'd hang out at his house , which was out in the middle of a forest , at least 4 or 5 times a week . While I was at his house , we 'd barely ever go inside because his parents never liked anyone in there . Instead , we 'd go to his barn which was filled with cats that were most likely illegally being held . You 're probably thinking why the fuck someone would hold cats in a barn . His mom actually bread some very expensive cats ranging from around $ 500 - $ 3 , 000 . She never had a permit for it either , and most of them were very maltreated by barely being fed or given water . Anyways we would hang out in that barn for hours every time I came over and all we would really do is smoke weed and cigarettes . We grew bored of that after a couple weeks since there wasn 't much to do so he started to show me some cool spots throughout his neighborhood . Some of the places were just a great view like this place we called the ledge which was on a small mountain . From the ledge , we could see the entire forest stretch out so far that we couldn 't even come close to seeing the end of it . Then there were spots that were just cool like the cliffs which is pretty self explanatory from its name . My favorite place was what we called the old house . The old house was an abandon house down a long driveway with many " No Trespassing " signs , but we had thought whatever the owner didn 't know wouldn 't hurt them . The house was a three story building that looked as if no one had lived there for probably around 50 + years . As you could imagine , the house was obviously decently decayed , and very neglected by wildlife and everyone that had been there . All the windows were busted out , parts of trees grew inside the house , the floor was broken in , parts of walls were missing showing the inside of the wall which most likely was filled with asbestos . The walls that weren 't broken in had graffiti covering almost every inch possible . The house 's obvious property was pretty big probably being a couple acres . Decently thick brush surrounded the yard and a side building that was presumably an out house . The house and it 's property also had an eerie feel to it , but what abandon house doesn 't ? Most of the time we would visit there during the day , but I personally thought the best time to go was at night . The rush I would get from this place past dark was unreal . Only people who have been in an abandon house in the middle of the forest over night would know what I mean . I had only done this a few times as I would go alone because Ralph would refuse to go there during the night . One night , we were at the barn around 20 : 00 and I was trying really hard to convince him to come with me to the old house . Like always , he constantly said no . This ended up making me mad so I demanded him to tell why he wouldn 't come with me . He sighed and said " Well , this going to seem a little ridiculous , but I saw … something … in the forest by there . " Back when he was 9 or 10 , him and his friend Carl wanted to find a spot where they could go to get away from both of their families . After a few weeks of exploring through the woods , they came across the old house , but in a slightly different state . Apparently , there were around 9 or 10 paths all around the house where the brush grew now . Him and Carl would try to always explore one path every time they would go to the house until they ran out . This would allow them to have something new to do every time they visited . Some paths took a couple days as they would walk pretty slow at first absorbing the scenery of the forest and its inhabitants . When they would turn back , they would leave a marking in the ground or put a pile of sticks together and leave it at the furthest point they reached . The next time they would visit the old house they would quickly walk past everything they have already seen until they go to their " checkpoint " . They never found anything interesting enough on these paths to actually keep , but a few weird things began happening . Oddly enough , it was only on the final three paths . Mostly the mysterious happenings effected the checkpoints . The checkpoint at the first of the three was just a stack of sticks tied together by some long pieces of grass . Ralph and him came back the next day excited as they always were when they explored one of the paths . Eventually the checkpoint came to view , but it wasn 't how they left . The sticks were ripped in to pieces in a pile . This didn 't bother either of them though since they thought it was maybe a fox or another animal in the woods . Ralph said looking back now , it wasn 't possible for any animal to make those sticks look like that . The second of the three checkpoints was four sticks jabbed into the ground in a square pattern . Carl was going to be out of the town for the next couple days so it was there for a few days . The day he came back , they both were happily went down the path . When they finally arrived to the checkpoint , there were 3 more squares of sticks in the ground next time the first one making a giants square of sticks . This made both of them a little uneasy , but they kept going down the path a little more hesitant . Nothing else out of the ordinary happened on the path . They ended up exploring the last path all the way on the same day . Half of it was explored during the day in which they made a star in the ground with a stick . Both of them were very eager to finish this one therefore they made a plan . At exactly midnight , they would both sneak out of their houses and meet up at the old house . Carl was suppose to bring two flashlights while Ralph was going to bring two of his father 's pocket knives . Everything went exactly as planned . They met up and started going down the path . Ralph and Carl quickly realized that the paths at night weren 't as appealing to the eye . In fact , most of it was straight up terrifying . Neither of them would end up saying anything about it because they both wanted to to be brave . When they finally reached the checkpoint , they shone their flashlights on it and what they saw would leave them breathless . Right next to the original star was another star that sloppily drawn . Ralph told that it resembled what you would think a two year old would draw for a star . The worst part was it was at least an inch deep and a half an inch in diameter . At first , Carl wanted to turn around and go home , but Ralph convinced him not to . Ralph said that someone probably saw them leave the property of the old house after the sixth trail . That person then began to mess with their checkpoints in order to scare them off so they would stay off the property . Carl thought about Ralph 's theory and came to the conclusion he was probably right so they continued down to finish the path . Apparently this path was very long compared to the rest . The further and further they went down the path , the weirder things got . On some of the trees there were deep gashes almost splitting some of the trees in half and some of them were even knocked over . These sites became more and more common the deeper they went . Then they reached a clearing in the shape of circle probably being about 100 yards across . There was no grass and no trees except one . It was in the middle of the glade and had a tower built into it . Eventually , they would name it the watch tower due to the structure of the building . The watch tower was very crudely built out of wood and being around 4 stories tall . On the bottom floor , there was a doorway which looked abnormally big . The second had a balcony above the door with no railing and it 's supports sticking in the ground . Next was the third floor which was pretty plain only having what appeared to be a window . Finally was the fourth floor . It was almost like a roof , but not quite . Presumably , there was either a ladder or stairs leading up there . It had almost a railing around the perimeter . They didn 't notice the fourth floor at first because when they looked at it from an upward angle , it would appear as a flat roof . But that 's when they noticed it . There was a very tall humanoid creature standing on the top . This thing was looking in the opposite direction of Ralph and Carl and most of it features were impossible to see in the darkness . Both of them stood absolutely still staring at the creature for what felt like hours . Neither of them noticed how quiet the forest was until this point . In fact , it was so quiet that they both heard the ringing noise your brain makes up when there is no noise to hear . After a few minutes , it began to move about the top of the watch tower . The creature reached it 's hand up into the air making a motion that looked as if it was stretching . What they saw would scar them forever . This thing had claws for fingers , but probably not the way you 're thinking of . The sharp part of the claws were where the back of your finger would be leaving the other side dull . They were also opposable and probably around 10 inches long . Ralph managed to hold back his scream , but Carl wasn 't so lucky . The second Ralph heard a noise come from Carl 's mouth , he dived on him tackling him to the ground covering his mouth as they fell . Ralph looked Carl straight in the eyes and brought one finger up to his lips letting him know to not make a noise . When they finally looked back over at the creature he was looking directly at them . Both of their hearts stopped and they held their breath trying not to move a muscle . Fortunately for them , the darkness was the perfect camouflage leaving them invisible to the creature . It began looking around them frantically almost as if it was scanning the area to find where the noise had come from . That 's when they noticed a silhouette of the same thing standing in the third story window looking in their direction also . Suddenly , the creature jumped from the roof making a loud bang and a cloud of dust rising from the ground . Ralph and Carl both looked at each other and knew exactly what they had to do , run . They both ran as fast as they ever have the way they came from hoping the creature didn 't see or hear them . After about 10 minutes , they finally came to a stop . Ralph almost collapsed , but thankfully Carl managed to catch him and softly lower him to the ground . Both of them sat there in utter silence listening while trying to catch their breath . Neither of them heard a sound except for forest wildlife which had seem to return to the forest . After a few minutes , both of them just walked home not saying a word to each other . I was speechless . Like who really would know what to say after hearing all that ? Honestly , I thought it was all bullshit at first and responded with a really sarcastic comment about it being a nice story . But the look in his eyes after I said that convinced me other wise . We went to sleep after that , but I don 't really think either of us got much sleep . Neither of us talked to each other for a couple days , but then it went back to how it used to be . After a couple weeks I brought up the idea of going to the watchtower just so we can clear things up . Initially , he said no , but with a bit of convincing I got him up to a maybe . I said we would do it smart this time and bring a gun or two and maybe some knives . This made him feel better and agreed , but we have to bring a few more people . We both called some friends and planned it for the next weekend . Sleep didn 't come easy over the next week . I had nightmares about the watch tower and those creatures . Most of the dreams have either been forgotten or my brain subconsciously blocked them . Though that was not the case for one of the horrid dreams . I was one of them . I stood at the top of the watchtower looking out at the surrounding forest , hungry looking for anything that I could eat . Something moved in the woods and I quickly looked where it came from . Darkness plagued the forest making it very hard for my non human eyes to see . Maybe it moved I thought and began looking around the general area I heard it from . Nothing . I descended the ladder that was behind me . I saw the silhouette of one of them standing staring out the window . This started to make me uneasy in my dream as I began to realize that what I was couldn 't be right . I kept going down the ladder and went past the second floor and then I reached the first floor . The weird part was , the ladder kept going down underground . Hesitantly I went down it into the complete darkness . I kept going down and down until I noticed a light coming from below . The light got closer and closer until it was right below me . As I was about to see what it was , I woke up in a cold sweat . Not feeling good , I walked to the bathroom and threw up . A week had finally passed and we all met up at Ralphs house . I brought two of my friends , one was John who was a bodybuilder , and Austin who was just a very good friend of mine . Ralph only managed to get one of his friends to come . His name was Mark and he was a wrestler . We each brought something that could possibly help us on the adventure into the unknown . John brought a backpack filled with water and food just incase we managed to get lost or if one of us was hungry / thirsty . Austin managed to take his dad 's . 44 magnum with enough bullets to go through 5 magazines ( not sure what they are really called on a magnum ) Mark found an old machete in his garage a few months ago and with a little convincing , his parents agreed to let him have it , so of course he brought that . Ralph took his dad 's shotgun and had around 40 bullets for it minus what was already loaded into it . Unfortunately , I wasn 't able to bring anything that could be of much use , but I brought a few pocket knives and for myself , a butterfly knife . We left for the old house at about 8 in the morning . The only reason we left so early was we 'd rather face these things during the day . As we got there we all immediately figured out our one flaw with this plan , the path didn 't exist anymore . Fortunately , Mark had the machete so he began to cut his way through the brush . We were all worried the whole path would be covered in this brush , but it was only for about the first hundred or hundred and fifty feet . The strange part was that after it ended , there was none for the rest of the path . All there was grass nothing more , nothing less . So we sat there and ate . While we were eating , I sat there absorbing the scenery . It was about noon so the sun was high up in the sky lighting up everything that wasn 't directly below the trees which wasn 't much . The light or should I say the lack of light allowed me to notice something odd . As they walked next to me , they noticed it too . On the tree was one of the claw marks Ralph had told me about . There were 4 total claws that caused it . Each mark was about an inch and a half or two inches deep while being about an inch across . We all definitely felt the tension rising the further we walked through the path as all of us began to talk less . Occasionally I 'd look over at my friends just to make sure they were okay and all of them minus Ralph had a look fear in their eyes . The look Ralph had was that of regret and terror . Slowly I started to become conscious . I opened my eyes and was blinded by light so I quickly closed them tightly shut . The light made me notice my horrific head ache . At this point I was still very disorientated so I wasn 't really worried . All the memories of what just happened began flooding back into my head . This made me not want to open my eyes . I was hoping maybe somehow my friends got me out of the trap and were just resting for a second so they lied me down , but the noises I began hearing made me realize that was not what happened at all . It sounded almost like a voice but , it was very deep and malicious . Whatever it was , it wasn 't human and there was definitely at least three of them . They were having a conversation about who knows what . I could only assume it was about me which caused me to worry for my life and my friends life . At first I thought I should just keep my eyes closed and not move , but why stop the inevitable ? Once I opened my eyes , I noticed that the light shining on my face was coming from a very strange light . The light source was surrounded by some type of glass in the shape of a cube with little metal rods sticking out from each corner emitting a what I presumed was electricity into a glowing orb in the middle . Several of these hung from the unusually high ceiling throughout the room . About halfway across the room , a row of bars and a door came all the way across the room blocking me off from the other side of the room . On my side , there wasn 't really much at all . In the corner of the room laid a blanket and what I assumed was suppose to be some sort of pillow made purely from cloth or something . The corner across from that one had a hole about a foot in diameter . It had to have been pretty deep too because you couldn 't see the bottom even with the light placed directly above it . At the center of my side was a huge pillar with some crazy type of writing wrapping around it from top to bottom . The other side was very … weird . One of the corners was completely blocked off like it was an abnormally large cubicle . The other side had a couple of very big containers almost like an 8 foot filing cabinet except they only had a single drawer taking up where all the drawers would be . Along the back wall was a door except , it didn 't have a door knob . On the floor directly in front of the door was markings of what I assumed was another creatures footprints . Tubes hung from the ceiling in a very strange pattern . I kept hearing the voices I had been hearing earlier from the general direction the cubicle was at . Slowly the voices were growing in volume , almost like there was some type of tension in that cubicle . The louder the voices grew , the more malign they sounded . Eventually it was almost like the creatures were having a full out argument ; they were what seemed to be yelling , occasionally stomping on the ground . The stomping was nerve wrecking at the least . Every time they 'd stomp it would shake the entire room meaning the creature itself had to have been large . Very large . The creature was horrific ; it was about 8 feet tall , very muscular and looked like a humanoid . This things skin looked thick , almost like leather minus the brown color . Instead it was a sort of a darker pink , but not quite red . One of the creatures leg would be as thick as a car tire and about four to four and a half feet long . The feet looked almost human , but very large and instead of toes , it had small versions of the claws described in Ralph 's story . It 's torso was abnormally small compared to the rest of it body , but it still remained one of the most muscular parts of its body . His arms were long , hanging down to about its knees , but the worse part was the dreaded claws it had instead of fingers . They were just like Ralph described except I could clearly see that they were a whitish yellow , almost like teeth meaning they were most likely bone instead of whatever nails are made from . The face was the thing that stood out the most . Honestly , it still gives me nightmares today . . Anyways , it 's head was very proportionate to the rest of its body , just like a humans . hung out of the edge of its mouth being significantly longer than the rest of its fangs which might I add it had several rows of fangs . The tongue was like a humans except completely flat . There wasn 't a nose , instead holes for nostrils much like a snake . No ears existed either ; just holes like the nose except it had some type of filter covering the ear most likely blocking things from crawling in there . The hair was possibly the strangest part , it looked almost like rope hanging from its head except you could tell each " rope " was a single piece of hair . Before I noticed any of those features though , I noticed it 's dreaded eyes . Where the white is in our eyes was black in this things eyes . The black took up a majority of its eyes with a white iris that took up a space as thin as pencil lead . Red pupils were in the center of the eye . Anyways I ended up calling these things wolverines because of their claws . After I threw up , I looked up at the wolverine as he looked back at me . A smile grew across his face which sent a shiver down my spine . It stopped in its path and we just stared at each other for probably about five minutes when he turned around . The wolverine quickly ran back into the cubicle . I heard the voices again until three wolverines walked from behind the cubicle . All of them stared at me with the same disturbing smile . Eventually one said something while staring at me . At first , I wasn 't too sure who it was talking to , but it became obvious he was talking to me as he began saying the same phrase three or four times . Not sure what to do , I replied with the simple phrase of I don 't understand what your saying . It quickly frowned and began walking towards the door . The wolverine stood where the foot prints were when they slightly moved down . The door flew open and then all three wolverines walked out . For the next few hours , I was in there alone . At first I quickly began looking around for an exit but , came to no avail . I gave up and just began thinking about Ralph , Austin , John , and Mark . What happened to them ? Were they okay ? Did all of them get stuck in the trap ? Who got away ? Are they even still alive ? All these thoughts started becoming too much and I honestly started to cry . Hard . I probably cried for about thirty minutes when I started thinking again . At the time I thought what 's the point in crying ? I mean it 's not gonna get me anywhere and all it 's gonna do is dehydrate me . And what if they don 't give me water ? It will only make the inevitable come so much quicker then I wanted . After a few hours had passed , a couple wolverines came back except it brought a table with straps where my feet and hands would be . They opened the door in the middle of the room as I groaned waiting for my fate . It picked me up with what felt like actual care , almost like a mom picking up its baby . This made me very confused at first until I figured out they were treating me like a piece of evidence ; with care to try and not alter me . I was lied down on the table and was strapped in . One of them opened the door while the other pushed me . We went through a very weird hallway that looked like something like a hallway in an asylum and ended up in a room I could only call an operating room . For a couple minutes , the two wolverines talked . After they finished , they began making marks all over my body where I presumed they were going to cut open . The wolverine grabbed a knife and made an insertion in my forehead and my right arm . I guess the other wolverine called him as he put the knife down next to my right hand . This was my chance , my chance to escape , to get away . I quickly began looking around for an exit . At first , I couldn 't find anyway out as I knew the door wouldn 't work for me but , thats when I noticed another hole in the corner of the room except it was slightly bigger than the one in my cell . I grabbed the knife and quickly began cutting the restraint on my right hand . While I was cutting it I kept looking up to make sure they weren 't paying attention and fortunately they weren 't . The first restraint took the longest to cut , but the rest only took a second . I was free , well from the restraints at least . As quietly as I could , I got up and was crawling towards the hole when I heard it scream . For a second , I thought I went deaf . How incredibly loud that scream was . This disorientated me to the point of me not being able to move . I quickly managed to compose myself together while one was beginning to run towards me . I couldn 't make a run for the hole because before I 'd reach it , the wolverine would get me . At this point I still had the knife so I did the only thing I could think of . I threw it straight at the wolverine hitting it in the head . The knife itself was very sharp , but due to the creatures thick skin it only went in about an eighth of an inch . Fortunately , this was enough to stun the beast for a split second . I quickly turned around , got to the hole and jumped down . I could barely fit in the hole so as I fell I constantly hit the walls . I only fell about 50 feet or so until I hit water or some type of liquid . For some reason , it had a very strong current though so it dragged me right along with it . The water was only a few feet deep which most likely saved me from drowning . After about 15 minutes or so I saw light from the way I was going . Happiness overwhelmed me the closer and closer I got . Finally I got out of the cave or whatever I was in and was in sunlight . I quickly got out of the water on the side of the river and lied down absorbing all the sunlight I could . I actually ended up falling in a deep sleep right there on the shore . I was in my bed , nice and warm . Feeling pretty content , I got up and went to shower . Hot water poured all over my body , cleansing every pore in my body . The kitchen was right above the bathroom so I could always smell what was being made . My mom this morning was making eggs and bacon so you know what my bathroom smelt like . I got out of the shower , dried myself off , got dressed , and went up stairs for an amazing breakfast . That morning we had a family breakfast , something we never usually do . My dad told elaborate stories about his childhood memories which would bring joy and light to each person in my family . My mom would talk about her job and getting a raise which would mean things were going to change around here , for the better . My sister talked about how she met this amazing guy and how she thought he might actually be " the one " . I rolled my eyes at this and laughed as I washed my plate clean . All of the sudden , I heard glass breaking coming from the basement . My dad said as quietly and frantically as he could , " Go upstairs , lock yourselves in your room and don 't make a noise . " All of us did exactly as he said except I went a little further and hid inside my closet . I sat there for what like hours and listened as closely as I could to try and here what was happening downstairs . All I could hear was banging which filled me with fear . Something was starting to come up stairs and it sounded bigger than my dad . I held my breath and got in the fetal position as it started to walk towards my room . Whatever it was , it sounded like it had taken my door clean off the hinges . It walked towards my closet and opened the door . Looking right at me was a wolverine with a huge smile on its face . The monster picked me up and threw me towards the wall . Thats when I woke up . When you first wake up , you 're usually really dazed and disoriented especially after a dream . Well that 's what I was like as I was flying through the air . I didn 't really understand what was going on until I hit the tree . The second I hit the tree was the second collapsed . I spit up a shit ton of blood and looked up . Staring straight at me was a wolverine about 30 feet away with the same grin on his face as the one in the dream . At this point my adrenaline began rushing , but it wasn 't too much help as I couldn 't even really stand . The creature slowly began walking towards me making the noise that I could only describe as laughter . I began looking around frantically trying to find someway to get out of there when I noticed the river about 5 feet away from me . I quickly rolled in to it as the current took me with it . As I began going down the river I saw the creature quickly jump into it trying to chase after me . I tried to swim with the current to make me a little bit faster , but it never helped much . The further and further down the river I went the closer the beast got to me . At one point , it swung its claw towards me but missed . While it 's claw was right by my leg , I quickly used all the strength in my body to force myself further away . Let 's just say it didn 't really work . Somehow , he countered it grabbing my ankle and flinging me into the air further down the river which I noticed turned into a lake . I crashed down in shallow water on the opposite side of where the river came out at . I knew this was the end of me , both my legs had to be broken at this point and same with my arms . The creature got dumped out into the lake , but something surprising happened . The creature flailed its arms in every direction , filling the air with that dreaded scream . I was very confused about what was happening at first , but then it hit me like a ton of bricks . It can 't swim ! It was drowning in the deep part of the water ! I was filled with relief until I lost consciousness most likely due to blood loss . I slowly opened my eyes and realized I was in a hospital bed . Looking down at my body , I noticed I was almost completely covered in bandages while both my legs and one of my arms were in casts . My mom was sleeping on a chair they had placed next to my bed . I smiled and said her name probably about five times until she woke up . I don 't think I 've ever seen my mom cry so hard or heard her scream so loud . Police questioned me over the next few days about what had happened . I didn 't really know what to say so I made up a story about how me and a friend went exploring down the river when I fell in , hit my head , and passed out in the river . Next they asked which friend and I said Carl . Apparently , Carl had been missing for a couple days now , way before I " passed out " in the river . I became a main suspect in his disappearance , but there was a lack of evidence to actually convict me . One thing to this day still makes me very curious . What happened to Austin , Mark and John ? Did they go crazy ? Maybe they just kept quiet about it ? Or did they even get captured too ? Honestly , who knows , but I can only assume they were probably captured too . Whenever you 're in a forest and see a strange structure that doesn 't look quite so normal , PLEASE get out of there . The wolverines are probably there and they have no mercy . They are way more powerful than us humans . If for some reason you do come across one of them though , find some near by deep water and jump right in . Don 't worry , you can swim and they can 't . Well that is unless they 've learned how to swim since then .

Chapter Six : " Southern Gentleman " Danny woke up the next morning , and Mary Ellen was already sitting on the couch . She had made a bowl of cereal and was watching her cartoons . Danny walked over to the couch , sat down and turned off the TV . Mary Ellen let out a sigh that let him know she was not pleased . " Fun ? You think setting fire to your room and almost destroying our home sounded like fun ? " he could feel the impatience rising in his throat and fought to maintain his patience . Mary Ellen just shrugged her shoulders . " You could have seriously hurt yourself , or you could have been killed . " " At least I would have been with Mommy . " Danny couldn 't find anything to say to that . He took her bowl of cereal and placed it on the end table , and hugged her tightly . " I don 't want anything to happen to you . I know you miss your mom , but we need to stick together through this . I need you . I don 't think I could take losing my wife AND my beautiful daughter in the same week . You scared me senseless . " The look on her face told Danny that maybe , finally it was sinking in that what she did was wrong , but she still didn 't say anything . " And what about that bad word you said ? Where did you hear that ? " " It 's OK , I 'm not mad and you won 't be in trouble , I just want to know where you heard it from . " She still wasn 't forthcoming with the information . He leaned in close , " Honey , please , don 't make me be mean . I am not going to get mad at you , and you won 't get in trouble , but tell me where you heard that word . " " No , Daddy . I promise . " Danny could always tell when she was lying , and he felt she was being sincere , so he dropped it . He leaned in and hugged her one more time . " I promise honey , no matter what happens , you 'll always be my perfect little angel , alright ? I 'll never let anything bad happen to you as long as I 'm alive . I love you more than life itself . " After they had spent the better part of the morning involved in Spongebob and the Fairly Oddparents , he began making lunch and looking through the phonebook for someone to come repair the carpet . He finally reached someone who could make it out the same day , even though it would cost him an arm and a leg . He set up the appointment , and went back to her room to get a better look at the damage . The room reeked of burnt fibers , and he knew the smell wouldn 't come out for weeks , no matter how much he scrubbed . He just stood , staring at the spot in the carpet , charred and frayed , and tried to imagine the pain Mary Ellen was feeling to cause her to want to do something like this . His introspection turned up nothing of value , and he felt more lost than anything in his thoughts . He decided to go back downstairs and wait for the repairman . Mrs . Brady was sitting at the kitchen table . Danny was stunned to see an easter basket sitting on the table , as well . Danny and Sarah had never participated in the non - religious aspects of the holiday , feeling like it undermined the Christian message they were trying to convey to their daughter , and thus had never bought Mary Ellen an Easter basket . " Well , these old bones aren 't as brittle as you like to imagine . Some days I just get a burst of energy . Usually ends up costing me more in the long run , but I 'm not much longer for this earth anyway , so might as well take advantage of what I 've got left , don 't you think ? " Mrs . Brady cut him off sharply . " You stop right there . I know what you 're going to say , and most of the time I respect your wishes as a father , and won 't try to undermine you . That little angel has been through a hell of a lot , and she needs something to make her feel better . I won 't take it back , and if you try to make me , then I 'm afraid our friendship will be voided . " Danny had never heard her swear before , and he sensed a slight tinge of playfulness , but he could tell she was all business . " Oh , it 's fine . I don 't know what came over her besides grief , but we talked about it this morning . She seems to be having a hard time accepting the reality of it all , and that was just her way of acting out . It 's all under control now , though . We appreciate your concern . " " No questions , Daniel . You 've got enough to deal with , the funeral and all , and it 's not like I 'm going to tour the European countryside anytime soon , so if my money can be used to help my neighbor , then that 's the good , Christian thing to do . Not another word . " Danny made lunch , and just about the time they were cleaning up from eating , the repairman showed up . He was a large man in a dirty shirt that bore the company 's logo , and blue jeans that had been through the wash probably twice in the life of them which , by the looks of things had been a very long time . his bushy mustache wriggled up and down on his upper lip as he spoke until Danny was having a hard time stifling his laughter . " OH ! The problem , yes . Right this way . " Danny walked the carpenter to Mary Ellen 's room walking past the kitchen and making a face at Mrs . Brady indicating his immediate need to let loose a fir of laughter . She pruned her face in disapproval . Danny showed him the room , and the man offered his keen observation . " Candle . " he said , not sure if the carpenter believed him . The burly man in the dirty jeans stared at him , as if deep in thought . Danny looked in his eyes , though , and could tell the wheels weren 't turning ; in fact , the wheels had long since gone flat . " Well , I guess we 're going to go shopping for clothes for … tomorrow . " Danny 's voice dropped , but he maintained his composure as best he could . " Are you sure you really want to do this ? " " As sure as I 'll ever be . Now go pick that little girl out a pretty dress so her mommy will be proud of her and how beautiful she is . " Mrs . Brady said with a smile . Danny was still hesitant , but he knew it was best not to argue with her any longer . He let out a slightly defeated sigh . " Alright , well , the repairman is upstairs working , he should be done in an hour or two . I have my phone , so call me if you need anything . We 'll try to be back as soon as we can . " Chapter Five : " Burnt Offerings " Danny arrived home a few hours later , and Mrs . Brady was still struggling with the decision of whether to tell Danny about Mary Ellen 's little outburst or not . He walked in the door with a few grocery bags in hand and set them on the floor in the kitchen . Mrs . Brady was sitting in the living room knitting when he walked by . " She … " Danny could tell just the thought of the word made her uncomfortable . " She told me to cram it , and she wanted no … no ' effing ' part . " Mrs . Brady turned red as a beet . " The actual word , Daniel . " She never called him Daniel unless she was upset or embarrassed , and he chuckled to himself . As he was putting dinner on the table , he walked to the bottom of the stairs . He yelled for Mary Ellen to come eat , but he was sure that it wouldn 't do any good . He walked up to her room and opened the door . " Honey , dinner 's ready . You need to come downstairs . " As they sat and ate , Mary Ellen was trying to rush through her meal so she could return to her room . Danny broke the silence . " Honey , I want to ask you a question . Did you say something rude to Mrs . Brady today ? " " Why would you use that kind of language in front of her ? For ANY reason whatsoever ? ! I raised you better than that ! You may be excused from this table if you 're going to continue to talk like that . " " Fine . " she said , pushed away from the table and stomped up to her room . Danny sat at the table , unsure of how to continue , but finally finding the words . " I 'm so sorry … She 's never said anything like that before . " Danny yelled up to Mary Ellen 's room as he walked by the staircase . " I 'll be right back , sweetie . I 'm going to walk Mrs . Brady home . " He got no response , but that didn 't surprise him . " Oh , honey , don 't be silly . I know you wouldn 't teach her a thing like that . It must have been something she picked up at school , or on the television or something , I 'm sure . Don 't worry about it , my ears aren 't as virgin as you 'd expect . " she said with a hint of a smile creeping across her wrinkles . Danny relaxed a little bit , " Are you ok from here ? " " Yes , I think I 'll be alright . " They said their farewells and Danny turned back towards his house . As he walked back , he noticed a glow coming from Mary Ellen 's room . He thought nothing of it , thinking it was just the light . He walked in the front door , and immediately panic had set in . He smelled smoke , and ran upstairs . There was a small fire in her bedroom floor , made from a pile of toilet paper . He screamed at her , ran in and grabbed her up and took her out in the hallway . She never fought him and just let him take her to safety . He rushed to the kitchen and got the fire extinguisher . When he got back to the room , it had filled with smoke and he was hacking his lungs out . He managed to cover his face long enough to get a full breath , held it in , aimed the fire extinguisher and sprayed . The fire had been put out , but the pile of toilet paper was still smoldering , covered in chemicals from the extinguisher . " What the hell were you thinking ? ! " he screamed at her . " You could have burned the entire house down ! " She offered no response whatsoever , only a blank stare . " Answer me , Mary Ellen ! " " Yes , you do ! You nearly destroyed our home ! I know you 're hurting because of the loss of your mother , but this is incredibly inappropriate ! Go sit in the kitchen until I decide what to do with you . " She stood in the hallway , arms crossed indignantly . " NOW . " She huffed off down the stairs , and Danny just stared at the pile of ashes in disbelief . The carpet was burnt to a crisp , and there was a huge black spot on the ceiling . He couldn 't believe she would do something this drastic . Maybe her mother 's death had affected her in ways he hadn 't previously thought . Chapter Four : " Righteous Indignation " Waking the next morning , Danny was up before Mary Ellen . He shuffled down to the kitchen and started coffee . He looked in the oven and saw the ham Sarah had put on before church so it would be nice and warm for Easter dinner . It was everything he had in him to even take it out of the oven . Everything in the house reminded him of her . Each and every utensil , dish , rag , chair , everything in the house had been a joint decision . They decorated the entire house together , so no matter where he looked , he saw her . Mary Ellen finally came down to the kitchen and sat at the table without saying a word . Danny was so lost in his thoughts he hadn 't even heard her come down . He was slightly startled when he turned around and saw her sitting there . She just shook her head without speaking . He went and sat down next to her . " Honey , if you want to talk , please talk to me . I 'm here for you . " She burst into tears , " I couldn 't stop dreaming about Mommy last night , Daddy . She 's not gone ! She 's still here , I saw her ! " Danny hugged her tight . " No , baby , I 'm sorry , Mommy 's … she 's gone , baby . She isn 't coming back . I know it hurts , but I love you , and I 'll never stop loving you . " He was stunned , but he figured now wasn 't the time to be forward . " No , baby , I 'll be here for you until the end of time . Until we 're both in Heaven with Jesus . " He was once again shocked at her insubordination . " I know it 's going to be a rough day , but please don 't make it harder than it needs to be . We 're both hurting , and I know this . Being short with me isn 't going to make things any different . I 've had enough of your attitude , now EAT . And not a word until it 's done . " In the midst of the argument , he had made her a bowl of cereal . " I even put your favorite spoon in it , see ? Now please eat , and don 't be ugly . Your mother would not appreciate this attitude . " Danny was done arguing . " Go to your room . " Mary Ellen stood up sharply and knocked her bowl off the table , spilling milk and cereal all over the kitchen floor as she huffed out of the kitchen . Danny exhaled sharply , knowing he couldn 't rightly punish her with all they were both going through , and went for a towel to clean up the mess . Mary Ellen sat in her room , crying . She was completely and utterly lost , and couldn 't make sense of anything . She sat , staring at the wall in her room for the longest time . She stared at the mural she and her mother had painted together just last summer . The tree that covered the entire wall , the mama duck and baby ducks , the fish in the water , all she saw was her mother . Every inconsistency , all the paint outside the lines , it didn 't make a difference to her then , they were having a blast , and now she was gone . Gone forever . Young Mary Ellen couldn 't get that thought out of her head . She would never see her mother again . She wasn 't coming back . She went to be with Jesus . She knew she should be happy her mother was with Jesus , but that didn 't make sense to her . She was sad , very , sad , more than a girl her age should ever have to be . She knew when she went back to school , she would hear from all the kids , " Sorry your mom died . " " Hey , I 'm here if you need me . " " It was God 's plan for her to come home . " She knew it was all nonsense , there 's no way God planned on her mother 's body , slammed around and broken into several pieces from a drunk driver , then , as she sat there , void of life , set ablaze by a nearly biblical fireball . Was that God 's will ? Is that REALLY what God wanted for me ? To live my entire life with the image of my mother 's molten corpse , covered in metal pieces , the back of her head melted to the headrest ? " MARY ELLEN ! " Danny bellowed from downstairs . She ignored his call . " Mary ! Come down here , please ! " There was no way in hell she was coming downstairs without a fight . She felt the undying need to be selfish , and no one was going to take that from her . She was determined to stay in her room for the rest of her life , and her father would have to drag her kicking and screaming to get her away from that mural . She could hear him coming up the stairs , yet she didn 't move an inch . He stopped as he opened her door and saw her gaze unbreaking from the mural . He walked towards her slowly , and sat down next to her without saying a word . FInally he broke the silence . Danny sighed heavily . " OK , well , I 'm here if you do . We have to leave , though . I have things to run and you can 't stay by yourself . " Mary Ellen crossed her arms indignantly and refused to budge . Danny stared at her , thinking of what to do . He finally walked downstairs and called his neighbor , who agreed to come over and watch Mary Ellen while he made arrangements for his wife 's funeral . Mrs . Brady was an old widowed woman . Danny would go to her house on Sunday afternoons and have a Bible study with her , since her health wouldn 't let her go farther than the front walk , usually . She loved Mary Ellen just like a granddaughter , though . Danny walked over to her house to assist her and met her at the front door . " Don 't mention it , honey . It 's no trouble at all . I understand what you 're going through , and I just want to help any way I can . " " Take your time , son . This isn 't going to be easy , and you need to take all the time you can . I ain 't goin ' anywhere anytime soon , so you take all the time you need . " After Danny left , Mrs . Brady was sitting at the table , reading her Bible . When Mary Ellen finally came downstairs . " Well , there you are ! " Mary Ellen stopped dead in her tracks and stared right at Mrs . Brady . " With Jesus ? You think this was all part of God 's plan ? " " What you mean is , that God took my mother from me , for apparently no good reason . I don 't have a mother now . God thinks that 's an alright thing to do ? " Mrs . Brady sat at the table , troubled that a girl Mary Ellen 's age would know such a foul word , and where she might have learned something like that . She knew neither Danny nor Sarah would ever speak like that , so she must have picked it up from some television program , or on the internet . She pondered what to do , whether she should tell Danny or just write it off considering the situation she was in and what must possibly be going on in her head . She went back to reading her Bible , and waited for Danny to get home . She was trapped inside the twisted wreckage , and she was screaming so loud she could nearly be heard over the sirens . She stared ahead of her at her mother 's body , twisted and mangled , her neck hanging at the most unnatural angle she had ever seen . She was frozen with panic and fear , and the screams came of their own volition ; she couldn 't suppress them no matter how hard she tried . She screamed and screamed until her mouth was dry , her lungs were empty , and her vocal chords were sandpaper . The firemen worked tirelessly with the jaws of life , twisting , cutting , sparks flying everywhere ; all the while , Mary Ellen was trapped in a cocoon of blood , bone , metal and fire . The engine had begun to smoke , and flames followed soon after . The firemen quickened their pace , working on the razor thin edge of time , working to best of their ability to ensure what was already tragic didn 't become even more horrific very quickly . The metal and plastic screeched and howled as it was being pulled apart , bit by marginal bit , but the firemen finally peeled the rear passenger side door away enough that they could get to Mary Ellen . One of them reached in , cut the seat belt loose and snatched her away as fast as he could . She wiggled free from him and took off like a lion after it 's prey towards her father . She grasped him so hard , he nearly fell off the ambulance . No sooner than they were back in each other 's arms , the firemen began yelling to clear the area . Amidst all the chaos , Danny and Mary Ellen couldn 't make sense of anything and sat right on the tailgate of the ambulance . They stared with incredulity as the van burst into a fireball that filled the sky with smoke and shrapnel . Pieces of the car were raining down on the scene like molten hell fire . They both stared in shock , unable to move , even with everything going on around them . It was entirely unbelievable , yet absolutely and wholly true . They watched , ultimately helpless , as the life they once lived , the one they all cherished , vaporized into nothingness rightMary Ellen finally let out a shriek that pierced each and every bystander 's ears . " No , baby , she isn 't . She 's gone forever . She isn 't coming home . She 's gone home to be with the Lord . " The EMTs took Sarah to the hospital , but only as a formality . She was pronounced dead on arrival . Her neck was broken in three places and she had died instantly . Danny and Mary Ellen sat in the waiting room , but they weren 't there an hour . The doctor came out after getting her once beautiful body cleaned up as best they could so they could say their goodbyes . Danny began talking to her , through heavy sobs . " My beautiful wife … I love you … I love you so much . I promise to raise our daughter right , the way God intends . I will see to it that she gets the best of everything , this I promise you . I WILL make sure you get to see our daughter in Heaven , even if it means we never see each other ever again . I promise you that . " Mary Ellen stood next to her mother 's lifeless body . " … Mommy … " she said weakly . " I love you , Mommy . I wish you would wake up . I hope Jesus is nice and you 're happy in Heaven . " She choked through her tears . Leaning in , she kisses her mother 's forehead and her father ushers her out and to the car . They left the hospital and took a cab home due to their vehicle being totaled from the wreck . Once home , they both sat in the kitchen with a plate of food , but neither of them ate . Neither of them had any kind of appetite . They just sat and stared silently at their food . They skipped the evening service as the associate pastor called immediately after finding out what happened and told Danny to stay home and that he would handle everything . Danny went to bed early , and Mary Ellen slept in bed with him . He held his baby girl as they both cried themselves to sleep that night . Chapter Two : " Fresh Memories " Danny stepped off the bus , wearing his fatigues for what he hoped was the last time . His mother came to greet him and hugged him with the loving passion only a mother can produce . It had been just over two years since she saw her son , and she was beside herself with joy . Danny wasn 't her fresh faced baby boy anymore . He had been through a war , and it showed . His face was riddled with creases and folds , aged prematurely by time spent in the desert war zone . His soft , blond curls his mother loved so much had been cropped short , but his emerald eyes remained , and looked at his mother with an earnest love . He was a solid foot and a half taller than her . Skinnier than a rail when he left for basic training , his mother remarked at how much weight he 'd put on . Little Oak , Alabama , albeit a small town , was the picture of Main Street America . They had resisted the urge to develop big box stores for the sake of revenue far longer than anyone had expected . The town was plenty sufficient without the need for a Wal - Mart or a Piggly Wiggly or whatever else these greedy corporate fat cats could dream up . They had everything they needed on the main strip of town , from a locally owned grocery store that sold produce grown by the farmers in the outlying counties , to a drug store currently in it 's fourth generation of the same family . If you were to read history books about the towns and neighborhoods of the 40s and 50s , the pictures there would bear a very uncanny resemblance to present day Little Oak . The one church on the east side of town had been an elementary school in a previous life , but when the old church building began to show it 's age in dangerous fashion , they decided it was time to find a new place of worship and the headmaster of the school offered it to the congregation for Sunday services . After a few years , the school moved on to another building , and the people of the church moved in permanently . It was the cornerstone of the town , where everyone met on Sundays and Wednesdays to worship the Lord and have fellowship with one another . Danny 's father had been the previous pastor , and had groomed Danny to take over the position when the time came . Danny turned eighteen , and immediately registered for the military , following directly in his father 's footsteps . Danny 's father was a Vietnam vet , wounded and sent home on a medical discharge and with a Purple Heart for his trouble . Danny would always ask his father about the day he knew he was coming home , but he never did like talking about it , and Danny never pressed the issue . Danny 's father had passed while he was in the war . His mother wrote and told him what happened , but at the time he was deep in the field and in no possible situation to come home . The first thing he did when he got home , after dinner and a hot shower , was go to visit his father 's grave . He sat at the headstone and poured his heart out . He told him about everything he had experienced during the war , knowing he was the only one who would truly understand his stories . His mother listened , but unfortunately she was more inclined toward flanking a steak than an enemy trench . He sat for what seemed like hours in the summer sun , sometimes crying , sometimes laughing , telling his dad everything he ever wanted to say after his missed opportunities . As he sat with his back against the headstone , sobbing softly , he heard a tender voice . " Excuse me , sir ? " the voice asked . He looked up to see the most beautiful woman he 'd ever seen in his life , and he had no idea who she was . Her eyes were a strange shade of blue , more gray than anything . Her soft , dishwater blonde hair floating lazily in the gentle summer breeze and framing her diminutive , petite build . " I 'm sorry , I 'm new in town , and I was wondering if you knew where Mulberry street was ? " She was taken by surprise , partly because she now also realized how incredibly absurd the idea was . " I … I 'm sorry . I don 't know what came over me . I saw you from the street , and I couldn 't find anyone else to ask . I know it seems strange , but I 'm hopelessly lost . I understand , though , I 'll leave you to your business . " " It 's down the street , then the second left down Hickory road . " he said in a curt , somewhat rude fashion . She was once again shocked , but offered a quick thank you before she followed his directions . It was the first time Danny ha been back to the church since he left on his deployment . People looked mostly the same , only a few years older . He recognized almost everyone , but there had been some new members . He and his mother sat at the front of the church while the interim pastor preached about the trials of Job . Danny wore his dress blues because he wasn 't able to get a new suit in time for the service , as the owner of the clothing store had left for the week to go on vacation leaving the shop unattended . After the service , there was a potluck dinner . Danny 's mother had baked a large ham one of their farmer neighbors brought them for just this occasion . As he was piling his plate high with all manner of homemade goodness ( while the old maids of the church laughed at his unintentional hubris ) . He was making his way back to the table , and there she was : the same woman from the cemetery . He felt bad after the fact for being rude to her and letting the grief get the best of his manners . His mother smiled incredulously , sensing his mild attraction to the girl that he never was the best at hiding . " That 's Sarah McMillan , why do you ask ? " She already knew the answer to that question , or so she thought . " She came up to me while I was at the cemetery to ask for directions . I sort of snapped at her , and I just wanted to apologize . " One of his mother 's friends sitting at the table told him she could introduce him to her if he wanted . They walked over to her table , and the woman said , " Sarah , I believe you know this young man . " Sarah turned back and smiled , " Yes , I believe we 've met once before . If I recall correctly , he was a bit rude . " she smiled , slyly . He shot back . " Well , I wasn 't in the best of situations , if you also recall correctly . " " Well , I 'll just let you two get acquainted , then . " The two sat and talked until the end of the dinner , and afterwards went to the local ice cream shop and sat and talked until the sun was nowhere to be found . He walked her back to her house , and as they walked , she found herself increasingly smitten with him . She felt safe with his arm around her , even though there was very little to be worried about . Crime in Little Oak was far from prevalent , and mostly consisted of Rupert , the town drunk , stumbling on to someone 's porch and thinking it 's his own house , leaving the owners to call the police on a perceived burglar . " Oh , you know , just looking for work , but other than that , my schedule is pretty open . " She didn 't pick up the hint of sarcasm , and he noticed . They made plans to go out the next day , and said farewell . He considered going in for a kiss , but before he had made his decision , she had already gone inside and closed the door . He knew he would get his opportunity soon enough . Chapter One : " The Blood Of The Lamb " Easter Sunday , early morning . The church bells rang clearly through the bright morning air . Families , dressed in their fanciest clothes , filed into the vestibule . Taking a bulletin , they shuffled off to their regular seats within the humble chapel . The elderly women settled into the usual seats they 'd occupied every week for the last twenty - five or thirty years . Their husbands milled around the chapel , greeting one another and shaking hands while exchanging tall tales of the fish they 'd caught the day before . Children scampered about , laughing and playing , greeting the friends they hadn 't seen since the week before . Young husbands and wives found the seats not already cherry - picked by the old timers , cramming the children plus themselves into ten feet of pew . Mary Ellen , daughter of Father Danny , sat down beside her mother in the pew directly in front of the pulpit , hands clasped in front , Bible at the ready next to her . Mary Ellen , all of seven years old , had been the apple of her parents ' eye . She was a bright and gifted straight - A student . Teachers constantly praised her for her positive attitude and determination to excel above the rest . Father Danny had been the pastor of Little Oak Baptist Church church for close to fifteen years . The congregation had grown to love him dearly . He was a beacon of light within the community , always ready to lend a helping hand or a listening ear . As the music came to a close , he took his seat behind the pulpit as the associate pastor approached the podium and led the people through the opening services . Father Danny preached the standard crucifixion story , a story he 'd preached many times . He 'd been through every facet of the story ad nauseum . There was no detail , whether literal or philosophical , he hadn 't mined from it , and he was abnormally proud of the message he brought to his congregation . He 'd felt as though he were on fire and that the people could feel it , too . He hadn 't felt such a conviction since his days at Seminary , back when he was just a young man following what he believed to be the Lord 's will for him . In those days , he was filled with such an intense passion for his work , he shared it with anyone who 'd listen . He hadn 't felt passion like that in ten , maybe twelve years , but he definitely felt it today . After the service , he was standing in the vestibule , thanking everyone for coming and offering warm smiles and polite farewells . The old folks were pleasant enough , tending to the children and grandchildren . They all wished a fond farewell until the following Sunday . They 'd been married for eighteen years , introduced by a former member at one of the church functions . Their relationship had grown from there . They were immediately inseparable , spending day after day together , until the day Danny decided to pop the question . Sarah 's answer , through a waterfall of tears , was a resounding yes . They were just the cutest couple , as it was told by the people who knew them . They were just an absolute perfect match . There was a little turbulence when they originally tried to conceive , as the doctors told her that she appeared to be around eighty five percent infertile . The chance of her having a child was quite slim and this caused a brief hiccup in their marriage . God 's will prevailed , though , when after months and months of trying , Sarah finally received the amazing news that she 'd tested positive for pregnancy . She was so happy , she nearly threw the phone across the room in a burst of joy . Restraining herself , she called Danny and he came directly home from work to celebrate . They were beside themselves and told everyone they knew almost immediately . Family , friends , strangers in the supermarket . They were elated to finally be on their way to the happy family they 'd always wanted . The day Mary Ellen was born was quite the spectacle . Danny was right in the middle of a sermon when Sarah went into labor . Danny hadn 't noticed , and he was currently in the midst of a heavy handed , fire and brimstone - flavored tirade , slamming his fist down on the pulpit and telling these people that if there were any who hadn 't repented , they would surely face the eternal fires of Hell . At one point , he slammed his fist down harder than normal , hard enough to surprise even himself , and at that exact moment Sarah , seated in the back so as not to disturb the other parishioners , contorted her face into a look of horror as her seat began to soak up the water escaping from her womb . Danny rushed down to her as one of the deacons called for an ambulance and one of the church wives ran for a mop and towels from the kitchen . Since it was a small country church , the ambulance driver had difficulty getting back to it , and as a result , baby Mary Ellen was born right there in the aisle at Little Oak Baptist Church . EMTs finally arrived , checked the baby to make sure she was healthy , and the family wrapped her up in her swaddling clothes and went home to bask in the glory of their beautiful new daughter . Mary Ellen was brought up in a typical Christian upbringing . She attended Christian schools and was always buried in a book . She constantly wanted to learn . Some of the kids made fun of her , but her parents instilled in her a sense of pride in knowledge . Father Danny sat in his office , finishing up his paperwork for the week . He poked his head out the open window in his office . " Mary Ellen ! Come on , honey ! We 're about ready to leave ! " He could hear her giggling and playing in the field . After they 'd finished up , Danny and Sarah were walking to the car when Sarah yelled for Mary Ellen to join them . Easter dinner awaited them on this Sunday afternoon ; it was one of the family 's most cherished traditions . Due to the lack of grandparents on either side , they really tried to help Mary Ellen feel as special as possible and few things were more precious than Easter Sunday to them . As they approached a stop light , they could hear sirens as they grew louder from somewhere off in the distance . The sirens appeared to get louder and louder , but Danny paid no attention . The light turned green and as he pulled out into the street , a car came barreling through the intersection . Foreword This story started as nothing more than a joke between my friend Brandon and I . He sent me a text on one of my many long , boring nights at work talking about ideas he had for books he was rolling around in his head . The conversation went a little something like this : Brandon : " Please , for god 's sake , if you use that title , don 't tell anyone I made it up . It 's so bad . You can have it , I don 't care . I just don 't want to be associated with it . " And from there , I began running ideas through my head and writing them down as they came to me . After reading about Mikey Neumann and his process of writing " The Returners " ( which is also an incredible book that everyone should check out if you get the chance ) , I was inspired to do the same with Torched . I hit a wall after my ideas dried up for a while , but I am going to find inspiration to finish this story , because I leave too many things unfinished , and I feel like this story has potential to be excellent if I give it the proper care ( and have the proper motivation behind me to finish it , namely fans who love the story and want to read more . ) Some of the story is already written , but I 'm going to go back in , re - write some of it , and break it up into chapter sized chunks so it 's easier to digest .

Jocie Brooke here reporting from Holly County , Kentucky . Oh no ! ! Look what I spotted in Miss Sally 's garden . If she 's got cabbage about to start making a head , then I 'm pretty sure every other member of the Mount Pleasant Church does too . That 's a BIG oh no . I hate cabbage ! Who could want to eat that stuff . Have you ever smelled it while it 's cooking ? ? Maybe not as bad as mustard greens , but still plenty yucky . So yucky it draws flies . The cabbage starts boiling , the flies line up on the screen door to find a way in to get to whatever is making that smell . You have to remember that flies like , actually like , dead things . So to them the smell is probably good . Great even . But not to me ! ! And then I have to eat it . At least , we do always have cornbread to go with the cooked cabbage . I do like cornbread . Pioneers lived on corn pone , didn 't they ? So I can make it on cornbread for a day or two . Sometimes Aunt Love boils a lot of cabbage because everybody at church wants to get rid of a few heads and passes them off to us . I have never understood why they never have an over abundance of strawberries or radishes or corn . Well , they do give us a lot of corn too . That 's good . I like corn . Dad says I should be thankful for the Lord 's provisions . I suppose he 's right , but I just can 't put cabbage on my thankful for list . It 's right there on my not thankful for list right below turnips . So when we say grace on cabbage nights , I just think about how thankful I am for cornbread . What food do you have to eat that you don 't like all that much ? Of course , Bailey and Lucinda would have been thankful for any kind of food on their journey . They say it 's a good thing for grasshoppers and mice . Right now they 're not thinking much about food . They 're thinking about their friend , Skelley . They kept vigil over Skelley 's body all night long . They couldn 't let the coyotes have him . So , at first light , Bailey dug a hole in the soft ground . Then with care he scooted Skelley into the hole . Lucinda helped him push the dirt in on top of the old dog . Then she found a yellow flower and laid it on top the dirt . Bailey found a stick to put there too . It wasn 't Skelley 's painted stick , but it was the best he could do . Then they sat there for a long moment before Lucinda said , " I 'll miss the old dog . Skelley wasn 't like most . " Bailey stared at the grave . He didn 't feel like talking . He did feel like howling , but Skelley wouldn 't want him to howl . So instead he thought about the first time he saw him half in and half out of that big trash thing . He remembered Skelley 's circus stories and the way the old dog was always ready for whatever adventure came his way next . Was Bailey ready for whatever happened next ? He looked over at Lucinda who had started washing her paws . But then she stopped and just sat there with her eyes shut . He tried to wait until she said something else , but he couldn 't . He had to know . " Do you think we can do it ? " he asked . So they started off , leaving Skelley behind , but somehow taking him with them too . He seemed to be running along beside them with more energy than he 'd ever had and whispering in Bailey 's ear that he could do it . By the time they left the woods behind and began across the open fields toward the town , he was beginning to think maybe they could . When they were halfway across the first field , they stopped for a drink at a little creek . He stared at the water to see if he could see Skelley 's reflection . " Why are you staring at the water ? " Lucinda asked . " Of course not . " But Lucinda wouldn 't meet his eyes and her tail gave an extra twitch . So he knew she did even if she wouldn 't admit it . It was almost suppertime when they got to the town . They stopped behind some bushes so that Lucinda could do a complete head to tail wash before they went on to Reid 's house . Bailey rested his head on his paws and watched her . When she had finished washing to the very tip of her tail , he asked , " What if doing the trick doesn 't work ? What if Reid still doesn 't know me ? " " It will work , " Lucinda said , but she still didn 't look at him . " Come on . " Bailey stood up . " Do you know how circus music sounds ? " " I think it has to be happy music . " " He did . " Lucinda looked up at the sky a moment . " He would say it 's music that makes a circus dog step high and do his best tricks . " Lucinda looked over at him and sighed . " Well , just try not to trip over your own feet like you did the last time we tried this balancing act . That 's all I ask . " Jocie Brooke reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky . Oh gosh , things have been so busy around here . I thought summer was when you could lie back and be lazy . You know , once school was out . But I 've been spinning like a crazy top trying to do everything . I helped Miss Sally plant some late garden and wash her windows . Then Aunt Love said if I could wash windows for Miss Sally , I could wash our windows at home . I have about worn my hands out washing windows , but I thought since I was so practiced at it that I might as well wash the big picture windows at the newspaper offices . I mean somebody might bring in a potato that looks like a face or a shoe or something . People do like to bring that kind of thing to the paper and let Dad take their picture for the paper . Dad says everybody likes having their picture in the paper . Well , as long as it 's not something bad , like they died or something . Then I guess they might still be happy if they went to heaven . That 's supposed to be the happiest place there can be . Anyway , I 've been extra busy . So busy I didn 't have time to type up the next scene of Bailey 's Bug . Cause did I mention , that it was Father 's Day ? I had to make Dad a card because he is the best dad ever . My mother might not have been best or even good , but Dad made up for it . So I made him a card and I gave him a hug and I washed those big picture windows at the paper . That was not an easy job . Those windows are BIG . Zella wouldn 't help at all , but all Wes did was tell me where I was missing a spots . I guess that was a help . Cat did keep me company by sitting in the window and watching me . Sometimes he grabbed for my window washing rag too . Then people in town started standing in front of the window watching me too . Or maybe they were watching Cat . I thought about passing out window washing rags to them so they could help and not just watch . But I didn 't . I just kept cleaning the window because , like I said , I have the best Dad ever and he likes the windows to be clean . Have you ever washed windows for someone as a gift ? I 'll get back with Bailey 's Bug next Monday . We have to find out if they ever get home . I 'm still sad about Skelley . But if he was hearing circus music that was good . Posted by Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky . Well , actually I 'm reporting from the swimming hole out in the county . A lake swimming hole . A beautiful place to swim and now that school is officially out - Yay ! ! - I can go swimming there with a couple of girls from church . Their grandparents own a house alongside the lake . Betty and Candace are great fun . And good swimmers too . I took some pictures before I hung my camera up in a tree way back from the water . Then I jumped in too . Took my breath but in a positively fabulous way . I love getting in the water . I 'm not great at swimming like Betty and Candace , so I stay where the water 's not over my head . Drowning isn 't on my to - do list for summer . Swim lessons are . Candace tells me anybody can learn to tread water but first you have to get in the deep water to learn . Seems like to me that makes for a little problem . You know , like drowning in water over your head while you 're trying to learn to do something to keep from drowning . So , I 'm learning that this summer at the pool . I know I 'm kind of big for swimming lessons , but Dad says I can act like an undercover reporter and learn to swim while getting the story . Dad 's the best . Anyway , at the pool , you have a side to grab hold of if things get dicey . Like you sinking to the bottom of the pool . I can sort of dog paddle , but I like to imagine myself swimming across the pool with graceful even strokes . I picture some kind of Olympian swimmer . But the imagination sometimes works better than reality . Even a choppy swimmer is better than a no swimmer . I 'm using a little more imagination to see what 's going on with Bailey and friends this week . They are nearing the end of their adventure . " For a truth , I 'm surprised at the both of you . " Skelley lifted his head to stare at them . " After all the three of us have come through , ye let one minor discouragement get you down . " The tip of Lucinda 's tail twitched back and forth faster and faster . Bailey summoned his courage and spoke up before she jumped on Skelley with her claws bared . " But what can we do ? " Bailey said . " Reid didn 't know me . He patted my head and didn 't know me . " " Folks have their shortcomings , for a truth . Even me own master had a few . Ye just have to come up with a way to get your boy to open his eyes a tad wider . " " Do a trick only ye would know to do . Something he taught you . In the circus , we each had our own special trick that nobody else did . Signature tricks me master called them . Me , I walked on me front paws , easy as pie . Always made the children laugh . " The tip of Lucinda 's tail stopped twitching angrily . Now her whole tail swayed back and forth . " You could be right , Skelley , " she said after a minute . " All may not be totally lost . " " I knew ye would see the possibilities , Miss Lucinda . " Skelley sounded pleased but tired . " Me thinks I 'd best lie down a while . I 'm feeling a wee bit strange . " The old dog collapsed on the ground with a huff of breath . He kept his head up for another moment to stare at Bailey . " Ye do know a trick , lad . Ye told me about it yourself . How your young master taught you the circus trick where Miss Lucinda rode on your back . " " That 's it . " Lucinda sounded like somebody had just given her a can of tuna . " It was such a complete disaster Reid would have to remember it . " At the sound of hope in Lucinda 's voice , Bailey 's tail started swishing through the leaves again . For a few seconds , he thought about how she 'd stayed up on the top bookshelf for hours after they tried the trick , but decided against mentioning that . Instead , he started to thank Skelley for getting them to thinking right again . But Skelley 's eyes were closed and his ribs were shuddering with every breath . Bailey crept over beside him , but Skelley still didn 't open his eyes . " But you have to go with us . We can 't leave you here . " " For a truth , I 'd like that . Even without me master 's baton . " Skelley raised his head a bit to look at her . " But this adventure is over for me . I 'm ready to start a new one . " " The two of ye aren 't ready for this adventure , Bailey me lad . " Skelley raised his head up and his ears perked up . " Do ye hear the music ? " Skelley wobbled his head back and forth as though keeping time with some tune and got a dreamy look in his eyes . " Tis our coming on song . I 'll be having to go . I see my master waving me on . " The old dog laid his head on his paws and closed his eyes . He looked to be asleep , but his bones weren 't trembling the way they usually did when he slept . His chest was too still . Bailey gently nudged Skelley with his nose , but the old dog took no notice . Lucinda swiped at Bailey to make him back away . Then she leaned down and washed the old dog 's face with her tongue . Bailey raised his nose to the sky and howled once , long and sad . Then he rested his nose lightly on Skelley 's back . For just a second , he thought he heard circus music . Bailey shut his eyes and there was Skelley . He looked young as he ran out to jump through the hoops his master held while a host of children laughed and clapped . Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky . Do you like cats ? I like dogs better . But you know that if you 've read those books about Hollyhill . I wanted a dog so much I said a dog prayer and the Lord let me find a dog over in the woods and bring it home . I named him Zebedee , Zeb for short , because when he barked he sounded loud like thunder . As soon as we got home and before I had even had a chance to ask , well , more like beg Dad to let me keep him , Aunt Love 's cat , Jezebel , had tried to attack him . She doesn 't call her cat Jezebel . That 's my name for the cat from you know where . But Jezebel is sweet as sugar to Aunt Love and since she 's also white all over that 's what Aunt Love calls her . Sugar . Take my word for it . Jezebel suits her better . At least around me . She does not like me . So when I started writing Bailey 's Bug and came up with my cat character , Lucinda , it could be that I used Aunt Love 's cat as a model . Except I made Lucinda be black all over instead of white . But Lucinda has grown on me as I 've written Bailey 's story . She hasn 't exactly turned into a sweet cat . Far from it . She gripes at Bailey and might swipe at his nose , but she hasn 't deserted him . And Bailey likes her and thinks she 's smart . But is she going to be smart enough to figure out a way for them to be welcomed home ? She 's tired of having to climb trees to get away from coyotes . If she never has to hunt for another mouse or bug to eat , she 'll be happy . Cats need cat food . Out of cans . Or saucers of milk . She wants to curl up in the sun and forget adventures . But when we left her and Bailey last week , both of them had lost hope . Guess it 's time to see what happens next . BAILEY ' S BUG by Jocie Brooke ( Continued from last week . The entire story so far is under the Bailey 's Bug title up top of the page . We start here with Bailey waiting for Lucinda to tell him what to do next . ) But Lucinda didn 't say anything . She didn 't even start licking her paw to wash her face the way she always did when she was thinking . She just kept staring at him while some of the light faded out of her eyes . Bailey 's tail stopped dead , and his heart sank even lower than it already was . All the way back through the woods and across the fields , Bailey had been sure Lucinda would know what to do next . But now he saw his own lost feeling reflected back to him from her eyes . They 'd come miles and miles . He 'd found Reid . That should have been enough . When he couldn 't stand her silence a second longer , he said , " You could go . They 'd know you . Your fur 's always short and black . " " Of course you would . " Lucinda 's voice rose . She sounded cross the way she used to sound when he did something to accidentally wake her when she was napping in the sun . " But people don 't look with their noses like you . They 'd think I was a stray . I would be a stray . " " That 's what they thought I was . Mrs . Alexander even called the dogcatcher , but I took off before he got there . But they don 't call the dogcatcher for cats , do that ? " " For a truth , lad , sometimes they do . " Skelley spoke up . " I knew a cat once . Never bothered a soul . Lived off what he caught . Jock did love to hear my circus stories , but one day the dogcatcher caught him in a net and carted him off . " The cat was no longer looking at him . She seemed to be seeing something far away . All of the sudden , she let out a terrible yowl . Bailey thought she might be remembering saucers of food and windows full of sunshine . " Reid 's got a porch with a railing . That will be a great place for you to lie in the sun . " Bailey wanted her to feel better . Lucinda let out an even louder yowl . She had never yowled like that before . Never . He wanted to put his paws over his ears . He didn 't want to hear what her yowls were telling him , but he couldn 't block it out . It was hopeless . They would never have a family again . They would be strays forever , raiding trashcans for food and dodging the dogcatcher . Worse , when Lucinda got all her yowls out , she was going to hate him . It was his fault they 'd left the Robinsons where she had food and sunny windows . Bailey raised his nose and added his howls to her yowls . Bailey didn 't know Skelley was beside him until he felt teeth clamping down on his ear . He was so surprised he swallowed his howl and stared at the old dog . He was even more surprised when Skelley let go of his ear to bump Lucinda with his nose . That stopped Lucinda 's yowls as she turned to glare at Skelley . All that effort seemed to take all the old dog 's energy and he had to sit down to catch his breath . Then he said , " Forgive me , Miss Lucinda , but I did have to get your attention . " " You might have asked . Nicely . " Lucinda stood stiff - legged with her tail straight up in the air . The very end of it twitched back and forth . Bailey backed up a couple of steps just in case she decided to swat his nose , but Skelley didn 't give an inch . Jocie Brooke reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky . This picture wasn 't taken in Hollyhill , but you knew that . It 's a picture Dad showed me of a cemetery in France to help me think about what Memorial Day really means . It 's not just picnics and the local swimming pool opening for the summer and school being out . Memorial Day is for remembering the men and sometimes women who gave their lives fighting for their country . But look at all these crosses . And this is just a little part of the graveyard in the picture . All those people lost to the world . All dying in a war . Fighting for freedom . Dad fought in World War II and I 'm so glad he came home . He was in a submarine . He doesn 't talk about it much , but he gets really sad on Memorial Day as he remembers those that didn 't make it home . He told me we should all say a prayer for those soldiers ' families . So I did . But I also said a very thankful prayer that my dad was one of those who did make it home . I went with him to our local cemetery and while we don 't have rows and rows of crosses like the cemetery in France , we do have some men 's graves there who gave their lives in service of their country . So we took roses from Aunt Love 's bushes and laid a bloom on each of those graves and Daddy prayed . I 've almost finished with Bailey 's story . Right now it 's pretty sad for Bailey since his boy didn 't recognize him . Do you think Lucinda is going to be able to figure out a way for them to get back with their family ? Skelley woke and raised his head to look at the meat . " That was good of ye , lad . " The old dog 's head wobbled a bit before he dropped it back down on his paws . " I 'm sure I 'll feel like a bite of two later . " " I did find him . " Bailey scooted back a couple of steps . " It 's not far from here . A town . Lots of trashcans . " Bailey nudged the scraps toward Lucinda . " I tried . " Bailey felt like a ball losing its air . His tail and ears were dragging the ground , but even worse , his heart had lost hope . " You tried ? " Lucinda looked ready to spring at something . " I tried everything . I hopped and bounced and jumped and barked . I even licked Reid 's face , but it didn 't help . Reid said I sounded like Bailey , that I ate like him . But I didn 't look like him . Too skinny and not even the same color as his Bailey . " Lucinda twisted her head this way and then that as if to get a better look at Bailey . Her eyes were glittering strangely in the dimming light as night was creeping closer . Skelley was staring at him too . For a few seconds , Bailey was fearful they were were going to decide he really wasn 't Bailey too . Skelley spoke up first . " For a truth , lad , ye don 't look the way ye did when I first laid eyes on you behind that trash bin . We 've had a lot of adventures between then and now . " " Bother the adventures , " Lucinda hissed . " You may look different , but you 're still Bailey . Are you sure you were at the right house ? " " It was Reid . I 'd know him anywhere . But he thinks we 're still at the old house with the Robinsons . Guess nobody told him we ran away . " " Surely they told them . That 's been days ago . Weeks ago . A lifetime ago . " Lucinda 's tail shot up straight into the air . " But we know where Reid is now . " Bailey perked up a little . His tail swished back and forth in the dry leaves behind him . Lucinda would think of something . She was the smartest cat ever . " I came back so you could tell me what to do next . " ( To be continued ) Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky . School is almost out ! Yay ! ! I really do like school , but I 'm always really , really glad when summer comes calling . We have about one more week . Five and one - half day to be exact . We have tests and more tests . You have to take tests or summer can 't come . But nothing much else is going on . No field trips . We did that last week . We went to the park over in the next town . Hollyhill doesn 't have much of a park . Just some old swings at the Legion Field . And you have to be sort of brave to swing in those . They 're getting very old . My dad says he used to swing on those when he was a kid . Anyway we went to a different park for a picnic . I don 't know why we went to a playground park . We aren 't exactly kindergarten kids . Maybe they wanted us to check out the physics of seesaws and monkey bars . But it was kind of fun and there was a softball field . I am the worst player on the planet . You 'd think anybody could hit a big old softball . Most anybody can . But I 'm not much of a hitter . I can run pretty good so if I can get my bat on the ball at all , I usually get to first base . May not be pretty , but as long as you get a score , right ? And I 'm usually not the very last person picked for a team . Almost , but not quite last . A few of the girls wouldn 't play . They might get their shoes dusty . Eew - wee . Poor things . Like I said , I 'm not the best player by a long shot , but at least I 'm playing . Wes says that 's what 's important in life . Playing whatever game you find . Oh yeah , and noticing the flowers as you pass along the road . That 's Queen Anne Lace in the picture . Did you know if you put food coloring in water and then stick the stem of Queen Anne 's Lace in the water , that will turn the bloom whatever color you put in the water ? Well , it will . You should try it . It 's fun . Poor Bailey isn 't having much fun . Do you think he 's going to find a way to make Reid believe he really is his dog ? Last week we left poor Bailey with Reid 's mother calling the dogcatcher . " He tried to bite you , remember ? " Reid 's mother frowned . " And it 's the dogcatcher 's job to take care of strays and locate their owners or find them new homes . " " I don 't know , but whatever it is , the old thing will be better off . Just look at him . " Mrs . Alexander pointed toward Bailey . Bailey flapped his tail back and forth but without much energy . He wanted to look like a dog she could like even if he couldn 't look like the old Bailey she knew . But his eyes caught on the rope in her hands and he remembered the awful leash that had tried to yank him under the monster bulldozer . Bailey 's neck began to burn , his ears drooped , and his tail didn 't have a wag left in it . Worse than all that was how a little growl gathered low in his throat as he looked at the rope . He tried to keep the growl inside where Mrs . Alexander couldn 't hear it , but the rope swung in front of his eyes . It taunted him . His growl got louder . Mrs . Alexander stepped back . Bailey knew it was wrong to growl . He knew they 'd never know he was Bailey if he growled , but the growl wouldn 't stop . It just keep rumbling out of him . He 'd come miles and miles . He hadn 't had a good meal for forever . He 'd crossed wide rivers of roads , dodged monster cars , and braved the unknown in the woods . And now Mrs . Alexander wanted to tie him up for the dogcatcher . That woke up the growl inside him . What would Lucinda tell him to do ? Stop growling for sure . She 'd probably swat his nose for good measure . Reid watched him from the door . His eyes were sad . Maybe because Bailey was growling . So Bailey swallowed his growl and wished he could think of what else to do . He couldn 't think of anything . Nothing at all . Except that he better not hang around and wait for the dogcatcher to get there . He wasn 't exactly sure what a dogcatcher did besides catch dogs , but no dog he ever knew wanted to be the dogcatcher 's friend . Skelley and Lucinda were counting on him . Bailey looked at Reid and stopped panting long enough to pull in as much of Reid 's scent as he could before he turned away . There was nothing to do but go back and ask Lucinda what to do next . Bailey slinked away from the house , his tail dragging in the dirt behind him . He looked back once . Reid was standing outside watching him . Bailey wanted to go back and try one more time . He even stopped and started to turn around , but it wouldn 't do any good . The growl started up again in his throat and this time Bailey let it grow until he happened to pass an unsuspecting cat out on its morning prowl . Bailey let out a big woof that sent the cat flashing for the nearest tree . That made Bailey feel just a wee bit better , but he didn 't think he would tell Lucinda . Not that scaring the cat solved anything . He was hungry and tired even though Reid 's sandwich had been tasty . He still had a long way to go and with no help for Skelley when he got there . He knocked over three trashcans and finally found a package of meat scraps . He didn 't eat even one scrap , but instead carried it in his mouth as he headed back out to the woods to give it to Skelley and Lucinda . It was a long walk back . Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky , the town where not much ever happens . Sigh . Dad says I should be glad not much happens in our hometown . Wes says I need to pay attention and see that things are happening all around me . And Zella says I need to quit making so much happen and stay out of her hair . Funny , how people see things in different ways . Kids like me generally see things a lot different than people like Zella . Now Wes , he 's not like other grown ups . He has that Jupiter point of view that makes everything a little zany . Do you think there were zany people in the Bible ? There are certainly some sort of zany stories . Like David killing a giant with a slingshot . Now if I told you that story without you knowing it was in the Bible , you probably wouldn 't believe it . Or Jesus making mud to put on the blind man 's eyes and then telling him to go wash it off in the pool of Siloam . Think about that . I don 't know how far the man had to go to get to the pool of Siloam but he had to find his way there without being able to see . With mud on his eyes . Can you imagine what he must have been thinking ? He was just sitting there begging . In John 9 where his story is told in the Bible it doesn 't even say he was asking Jesus to heal him . It says the disciples asked about why he was blind and then Jesus said it was so the works of the Lord could be revealed . And then Jesus mixed his spit with clay and made mud to put on the blind man 's eyes and told him to go wash it off in the Pool of Siloam . What do you think the blind man was thinking about then ? How do you think the mud felt on his eyes ? Cool probably . Maybe he felt the Lord 's love in the hands that put the mud on his eyes . Maybe that gave him the courage to do what Jesus said . Because he was still blind . He had to find his way to the pool . He might have had to go up to somebody with mud on his face and ask them to lead him to the pool . Or maybe one of Jesus ' followers helped him . But somehow he got there and did what Jesus said . And then he could see . WhePoor Bailey is feeling like some zany things and not very good things are happening in his story . Nothing at all like he expected would happen when he finally found Reid . Now what ? Time to find out . Bailey stopped barking and fastened his eyes on Reid . Reid would know him . Reid had to know him . But Reid 's eyes were getting all watery as his mother went on . " You know that Bailey and Lucinda are with the Robinsons . Remember , we decided they had to stay there until we can get a fence built here to keep Bailey in . " Bailey 's tail sagged down to the ground when he heard Reid sigh . His boy said , " I know , but I wish this could be Bailey . Can 't we feed him something anyway ? He looks hungry . " " I don 't think we should feed a stray . Goodness knows what sort of fleas and such that dog might have . Now come along . You 'll be late for school . " Reid 's mother reached to open the door . Bailey heard keys rattling in her hand . They were going to get in the car and drive away . He had to do something . In desperation , he made a dive to catch Reid 's leg to stop him . Mrs . Alexander shrieked and jerked Reid into the house . " That dog tried to bite you . I 'm calling the dogcatcher . " Vicious ? She couldn 't be talking about him . Bailey wanted to bounce around some more , try one more time to get Reid to see it was really him , but the mouse Lucinda had brought him the morning before was nothing but a faint memory . He felt too tired to make his tail twitch . His head drooped almost the the ground . When Mrs . Alexander disappeared into the house , Reid slipped back outside . " Poor old dog , " he said . " I know you weren 't trying to bite me . You just wanted me to stay out here with you . " " You 're a nice old dog . " Reid stood up to go back in the house . " But we can 't keep you . Dad is going to build that fence so we can get Bailey and Lucinda again . Lucinda 's a cat and she doesn 't need fences but we couldn 't get her and not get Bailey too . That wouldn 't be fair . " Bailey listened . If only he knew what to do . But he 'd already barked until his throat hurt and done his silly stiff - legged jumping dance and gotten close enough for Reid to smell him . But Reid still didn 't know him . Before he shut the door , Reid said , " You better run away . Mama is talking to the dogcatcher . She doesn 't like dogs much . Not even Bailey . " Bailey wanted to tell Reid he wasn 't afraid of dogcatchers . He wanted to tell him that he 'd faced down monster bulldozers and coyotes and almost drowned and gone mile and miles without food to find Reid , but he couldn 't say any of that so Reid would understand . All he could do was look at Reid and whine and wish Lucinda was there to tell him what to try next . She would surely know some way to make Reid see that he was Bailey . Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky on the day after Mother 's Day . Everybody always makes such a big deal out of Mother 's Day . I guess that 's good . Most mothers need a day when they are a big deal . But I don 't much like Mother 's Day . You see , not everybody has a good mother . I didn 't . As Dad likes to say , good mothers don 't grow on trees . They 're made by God . I used to wonder if that was true how come God didn 't make me a better one . My mother never liked me . I was a pest . Unwanted . A bother . She never hit me or anything like that . I used to wish she would since that would prove she knew I was there . But no . She just pretended I didn 't exist . Sometimes I wondered if I was invisible . And after I got over my mother wishing I was , I decided being invisible might be fun . That 's when I started sneaking up close to people talking in the church yard after Sunday services to see if they would notice me eavesdropping . They hardly ever did , but unfortunately I was never invisible to Dad . I got into big time trouble with that eavesdropping stuff . But even though my mother was the pits , I had a great grandmother . Mama Mae loved me . She wasn 't in a big hurry to go to heaven , but I guess the Lord was in a hurry for her to get up there and start planting flowers for Him . She died planting tulips one year . So whenever I see tulips , I imagine Mama Mae smiling down from heaven on me . Aunt Love took over for Mama Mae helping Dad out at the house and trying to make me behave . The two of us have had our rough spots , for sure . I don 't exactly act the way Aunt Love thinks a preacher 's daughter should . Maybe I don 't . But Dad loves me anyway and Aunt Love and I mostly put up with one another . She doesn 't hug my neck or anything but she does sometimes say something nice to me now and again . And I try really hard to not get on her nerves . She has enough problems with the forgetfulness without me messing with her nerves too . So everybody doesn 't have a loving mother . Some mothers don 't kiss their kids ' skinned knees or teach them prayers at night or tucks them in at night . Some are like me with mothers who never wanted them and just don 't like them all that much . What do we do on Mother 's Day when everybody else is hugging moms and singing their praises ? I guess I remember Mama Mae and think of her tulips . And sometimes On to the next episode of Bailey 's Bug . The next morning , the big yellow monster bus roared down the street and woke Bailey . That meant Reid would be shooting out the door and down the walk . The bus would stop , open its door and swallow Reid up . It would be hours before it brought Reid back . Bailing jumped up and shook to get ready . He had to keep Reid from being swallowed by the bus . Instead he had to get him to follow Bailey back to Skelley and Lucinda . Bailey 's throat got tight . The bus might be as hard to face down as the bulldozer . The monster bus was always blowing its horn if Reid was a second late coming out of the house . Bailey wouldn 't have but a couple of minutes before Reid disappeared into the bus . But she wasn 't there and the bus was getting closer . Bailey stared at the front door of the house , ready to charge in front of Reid when he came outside . Just the thought of seeing Reid again made Bailey 's tail do circles in spite of the bus coming . His tail lost its wag when the bus passed by the house without so much as slowing down . It didn 't even honk . Bailey stared at the door behind him . Was he at the wrong house , after all ? Bailey took a big sniff , and his tail started wagging again . Reid was there . He hadn 't come out the door , but he was there , somewhere inside . Bailey couldn 't wait a second longer . He banged his paws up against the door and barked for all he was worth . The door stayed closed . He ran around to the back of the house . That was how he had to go into the house . Through the back . He found the back door and jumped against it . He couldn 't quit barking . His ears were ringing . Bailey didn 't know the door was opening until Reid 's mother was there , staring at him . Reid 's mother didn 't look happy . She looked mad . She stepped out the door and smacked Bailey right in the face with a towel . " Get away from here , you mangy mutt . " She snapped the towel at him again . " Go on . Get ! " Bailey looked behind him to see what she was chasing away . Nothing was there . She couldn 't be intending to hit him with the towel . She couldn 't be telling Bailey to get . He must have been making so much noise he hadn 't heard her right . At the sound of Reid 's voice , Bailey got so excited his barks were high , yipping sounds . Then Reid was right there in the door . Bailey tried to push past Mrs . Alexander to lick him . Mrs . Alexander swatted him across the eyes and started closing the door . " It 's just an old stray . I don 't know why he 's carrying on so . " Mrs . Alexander looked back at Bailey . " Get away , dog . Go on now . " Bailey barked louder and jumped even higher . Why couldn 't they see it was him ? ( To be continued . To read the rest of the story just look for it up above . ) Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky where even though we 're churchgoers who don 't believe in gambling , we watch the Kentucky Derby . Even Aunt Love . I 'm not sure , but I think maybe Aunt Love would put a bet down on a horse if she got half a chance . Just in the Derby , mind you . But still , that has to be way hard to believe about Aunt Love . Gambling is gambling . And folks shouldn 't be taking the money their families need to throw away betting on the horses . But the Kentucky Derby seems different somehow . They sing " My Old Kentucky Home . " There are all those beautiful horses . I rode a horse once . An old workhorse on Miss Sally 's farm . It was sort of like riding an elephant without a trunk . Not that I 've ever ridden an elephant , but old Jack had a broad back and no spirit . I could have tap danced on his back and he probably would have kept eating grass . Even so , I 've always thought it would be fun to ride a horse . A horse that likes to run . Racehorses have to like to run . That 's what makes the Derby fun to watch . It only takes about 2 minutes for the horses to run the race . The announcers do a lot of talking around the race though and show women wearing fancy hats and interview rich and famous people and talk to owners and jockeys . They sometimes even talk about the horses and of course , the betting odds . That last doesn 't matter to us . We aren 't about to lay any money down on horses . Except maybe Aunt Love if she happened to know somebody going to the Derby . Lucky Debonair won the Derby this year . Isn 't that a great name for a horse ? Not as good as last year 's winner . Northern Dancer . Now that 's a great name for a horse . Lucky Debonair had the 2nd fastest time ever - right behind Northern Dancer who ran it in a flat 2 minutes last year . Lucky Debonair was one second slower than that . So we watched the Derby on our little television . Oh to have a color set like some of my friends , but the picture was fairly clear Saturday . We could make out the numbers on the horses and see who was winning . Aunt Love said she knew Lucky Debonair would win . Dad laughed and said we 'd had our racing fun for the year and not to talk about betting on anything . Dad has to worry about what the church people might say . But I bet , oops I mean I 'm pretty sure most of them watched the Derby too . Are you ready for some more of Bailey 's story ? Seems like it 's taking me a long time to tell his story . Maybe I should cut out some of the parts , but it 's hard to do that until you 've written it all down . So here goes . If you remember , last week Bailey finally got up the nerve to tell Lucinda he 'd lost the bug or hum in his ear and he was totally and completely lost . And Lucinda says , " You know where Reid is . " Lucinda swatted him with her paw . " Don 't say you don 't . You do . You know in your heart , and that knowing was what put the bug in your ear . If you listen , really listen with your heart , you 'll hear it again . " Lucinda flipped away from Bailey and found a shaft of sunlight pushing through the fog . Without so much as a glance back at Bailey , she began to wash her face . Bailey stayed stuck in his spot . He didn 't know what to do . Skelley spoke up . " Ye know , lad , me thinks Miss Lucinda could be right . " " Lucinda 's always right . " Bailey raised up to look over at her . Lucinda paused in licking her paw and stared straight at him . Then she went back to work on her face . " Aye , she 's a smart cat for sure and right as rain on this . For a truth , the tree might have knocked the bug , the hum , whatever it was out of your ears , but it 's still there in your heart . It would take more than a bump into a tree to knock it out of there . " Skelley hobbled away to find another spot of sun spreading out on the ground . Bailey was left sitting in the fog alone . The fog wasn 't just outside him but inside too . Bailey stared at Lucinda washing in the sun and Skelley curled tight in his bit of sunshine but shivering as always . They thought he could do it . They really did . So he would have to try . Again . Bailey blew out a breath that stirred the fog in front of his nose and headed back out into the trees . The sun beat back the fog until only fingers of it remained . Bailey spotted birds flying from tree to tree . They were singing and why not ? They weren 't lost . A squirrel set up a chattering fuss when Bailey passed under his tree . Off somewhere Bailey couldn 't see , crows cawed . He was listening so hard , he could even hear bugs crawling and hopping through the ground leaves . He could hear everything but what he most wanted to hear . The hum . He tried to imagine he heard it . That didn 't help . So he listened even harder and he thought maybe he was hearing the trees stretching their limbs up toward the sun and the worms crawling under the ground . But he didn 't hear the hum . On he walked . At least he could see the sun now and could keep his shadow in the right place to keep from walking in circles . He did not want to end up in front of Lucinda again . Not yet anyhow . Not until he found Reid . " Don 't listen with your ears , you big lummox . " The words were so loud in his head that Bailey looked around , sure Lucinda must have followed him . But she was nowhere to be seen . He wished she was there even if she swatted his nose again . He was so lonely out there by himself . He sat down and shut his eyes . How could anybody listen with his heart ? He shut his eyes . He heard birds and bugs and the whisper of the wind but then those sounds faded away as he started thinking about Reid . He remembered how Reid called him to go play . He sounded different than when he called him to eat . Bailey 's tail swept back and forth on the ground . Inside his head , Reid was laughing when Bailey captured the plastic thing . He jerked it away from Bailey and then he stopped playing to rub Lucinda from her ears to her tail . Lucinda purred . All at once something chirped a little in his ear . Faintly . Bailey made his tail stop thumping . He listened with every inch of him even to the tips of his fur . Then slowly he opened his eyes . Trees still shot up toward the sky around him , but the chirp had turned to a hum . A wonderful hum in his ears . Or maybe it had always been his heart humming . He went faster then . He didn 't worry about being hungry . Reid would give him food . He didn 't worry about how much farther it was because the hum kept getting louder . Finally , when he came out of the trees , crossed an open field and climbed a hill , the hum was exploding inside him . He stared down at a road with houses all along it . He couldn 't keep his tail from flopping back and forth as he trotted toward the houses . It didn 't even bother him too much when the first people who saw him yelled and threw rocks at him . They were boys like Reid , but they weren 't Reid . He hurried past them , past all the houses , and across the road . He barely noticed the monster cars honking at him . Nothing mattered but the hum . But there were a lot of houses , and by the time he found the right one , all its windows were dark . It was a nice house with a wide railing around the porch where Lucinda could nap in the sun . A round rug was in front of the door that must be there for Bailey . Best of all , Bailey smelled Reid everywhere he sniffed . Bailey started to bark and jump on the door , but Reid 's father always got mad if he barked in the middle of the night . So Bailey climbed up on the porch and curled up on the rug . He dropped his head down on his paws and let out a long sigh . Home at last . Jocie Brooke here reporting from Hollyhill , Kentucky . It 's Monday . A quiet day at school . All the teachers wanted to talk about was finals and that we better study . I do study . Or at least I will before the tests . Didn 't have much time for studying this weekend . We had a dinner at church Sunday . That meant I had to help Aunt Love cook and stuff on Saturday . Aunt Love has some things she always makes , but since she 's gotten sort of forgetful - Dad says it 's hardening of the arteries and it happens to old people - Tabitha or I have to be in the kitchen with her when she cooks . We have to make sure she doesn 't turn the burner on under an empty pan and then forget it . We have to watch and tell her if she 's already put the sugar in her stewed tomatoes although the more sugar the better if I have to eat them . That 's one of her most requested dishes . That and pineapple rice . Pineapple and butter does make rice better . And then she makes raisin pies . Not my favorite , but that 's okay . Always lots of desserts to choose from at a church dinner . I picked Miss Sally 's chocolate cake with chocolate icing . Delicious . Miss Sally also made banana croquettes . I LOVE banana croquettes . What ? You 've never heard of them . Well , if you live in the south you surely have , haven 't you ? Or maybe they are a Kentucky special . Aunt Love won 't make them . She says it make too big a mess , but sometimes she lets me do it . It 's easy as pie . Well , except for that messy part . You take a banana and cut it into sections . Then you roll that around in a bowl of salad dressing or take a knife and slather the stuff on every side of the banana piece . Then you roll that around in a different bowl full of mashed peanuts . I like it better if you don 't mash the peanuts too fine . Just let them be chunky all over that banana piece . Yum ! Got to be angel food . Got to be . I gave Miss Sally a big hug when she brought a big bowl full of them in . She made so many I actually got to go back for seconds . Everybody else was going for those dressed eggs . I don 't understand that . Not when they could have banana croquettes instead . The old dog 's words echoed in Bailey 's ears long after the fog closed off any sight of him and Lucinda . Bailey had never felt so alone . He couldn 't hear his hum . He couldn 't hear any kind of bug . No bird either . The fog kept closing in on him . When he spotted a smooth round rock that reminded him of his plastic toy , he stopped to rest his chin on it . Maybe that would help the hum come back . It didn 't . After a while , he got up and walked some more . The fog was beginning to lift when he saw that same smooth round rock . He tried to tell himself it was another rock . Just one that looked like the first one , but then he spotted his paw prints in the soft dirt around the rock . He was going in circles . He might keep going in circles all day and all night . Forever . With Lucinda back there somewhere in the fog waiting for him to bring Reid back . He couldn 't do that . With his nose to the ground , Bailey tracked his way back through the fog to Lucinda and Skelley . When Bailey bushed back through the brush to where they were waiting , Skelley looked up . " I knew ye 'd find the courage to do what you must . " Lucinda was asleep after her night of hunting . Bailey sat down beside her to wait until she opened her eyes . Skelley limped over to poke his nose against Bailey 's side . " Best go on and wake her , lad . " Bailey gave Skelley a look . He really didn 't know Lucinda very well . She wasn 't going to understand at all . Not at all . But it had to be done . Might as well get it over with . " I don 't hear the hum anymore . " Bailey pushed his words out in a rush . " I 'm lost . We 're all lost and I can 't do anything about it . " He winced waiting for her to start yowling and swat him . Lucinda sat up . " I knew something was wrong , but I thought it was the storm . " She was still calm as though she were discussing nothing more important than which tree she might nap in . " Why didn 't you tell me ? " " Dogs , " Lucinda muttered . She began pacing back and forth , her tail twitching sharply one way and then the other way . " I 'm sorry . Really sorry . You were right . We should have stayed at the Robinsons . " " Go back ? All those miles ? Are you nuts ? " Lucinda shook her head and didn 't wait for him to say anything . " But of course , you 're nuts . We all are . But we can 't go back . Poor Skelley here can barely limp . Of all the dog - brained ideas . " " Now don 't be so hard on the lad , Miss Lucinda . He simply wanted to find his boy . His heart was in the right place . " Lucinda stopped pacing and put her nose right up in Bailey 's face . Her eyes glittered greener than Bailey had ever seen them . He wanted to back away from her , but he made himself sit still . " How could you ? No one could have . Not even a cat . Certainly not a dog . But it has happened . We are out here untold miles from the Robinsons . Probably in another state and we have a friend who needs help . " Lucinda kept glaring at Bailey . " You couldn 't know that . But you do know something . "

Paws In the Sand | Life is like a rollercoaster . Full of ups and downs with pleanty of twists and turns . Hang on and enjoy the ride ! | Page 2 Posted on November 24 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes It 's another cold , rainy , fall day in Kentucky and the grass has become dormant and the leaves have all fallen from the trees . Thanksgiving is tomorrow and the day after Thanksgiving is Black Friday . Black Friday is day where all the shopaholics get up at the crack of dawn and wait in line in the freezing cold weather for their favorite store to open so they can get that special deal a computer or television or something they want . To me , Black Friday is the one day of the year where I stay as far away from the crowds as possible . I find no pleasure in fighting for a parking place , nor do I enjoy waiting in line for an hour to pay for something that would have just one week ago taken me five minutes to purchase . Typically , I either stay home or visit family or friends on the day after Thanksgiving . One Black Friday I went hiking with my friend Lynn and her mother , Rosemary . It was about five years ago and after I had Thanksgiving dinner with my family , I went to visit Lynn and her family . They had a house full of people and we were all talking about what we were going to do the next day . Of course , many of them were going shopping to get in on some of the great deals the stores were offering . I told them , " You could not pay me to go shopping on Black Friday . " Lynn said she didn 't care anything about going shopping either , so she suggested that we go to Mammoth Cave to the cemetery where her great - great grandfather , Charles , was buried . I told Lynn that I would be willing to go with her , and then Rosemary said she wanted to go too . So , we made plans to leave town about nine o ' clock the next morning . Like I said , Lynn 's great - great grandfather , Charles , is buried in Mammoth Cave National Park . During his life - time , the park had not been bought out by the government and his entire family lived in the area . They had a homestead and there is a family cemetery with a generation of Lynn 's family buried there . After Charles died , the government decided to take over the land , and all the people who lived there were paid a sum of money and forced to move . The only traces of civilization left in the area are a few bricks that remain from the chimney and four cornerstones from the foundation of the house . The park has several hiking trails and horse trails , but in order to find the homestead and the cemetery you have to get off one of the horse trails and go deep into the woods . The first time I went to the cemetery with Lynn , there were several of her family members with us . Lynn 's uncle , Dan , was our guide , and he told us a few stories that had been passed down from generation to generation . One story was about Charles ' moonshine still that he had hidden about a mile from the homestead , and another story was about a cave where Charles and his buddies played poker . After we had been hiking for about two hours , Dan 's knee started hurting so he walked off the trail and sat down on a big rock . He gathered all of us around him and said , " This is as far as I go . " He pointed into the dense woods that was filled with limbs and leaves and tall sage grass and said , " Follow that wagon trail for about an hour and you will come to a small creek . Cross the creek and on the other side is a steep hill . Climb that hill to the top ; then walk north - west for another fifteen minutes and you will see a railroad tie sticking out of the ground . When you find the railroad tie , you will be within two hundred feet of the cemetery . " After Dan provided us detailed directions , we all just stood there with this , " What the hell did he just say ? " look on our faces . I finally spoke up and said , " What wagon trail ? I don 't see a wagon trail . I don 't see anything that even looks like a trail . " A couple of the guys said they could see the wagon trail , but as hard as I looked , I just couldn 't see it . I looked over at Lynn and asked her , " Do you see a wagon trail ? " Lynn replied , " Not really , but they say they can see it . So , I guess we 'll follow them . " Then we all headed off into the thickly brushed , deep woods . We spent about two hours bushwhacking through the woods , and then we reached one of the park 's horse trails . At first we thought we were lost , but when we walked down the hiking trail , we saw the creek . And , once the creek was crossed and the steep hill was climbed , the cemetery was located at the top . After a brief visit to the cemetery , we bushwhacked back through the woods . On the way back to the spot where we left Dan , I kept trying to see the wagon trail , but I never could . After we hiked back to our cars , we sat around and talked for a while , and then we said our goodbyes and headed off in different directions . Lynn had ridden with me that day , and on the way back home I was telling her that I thought that we could use one of the park 's horse trails to get to the creek . I continued by saying , " I think using a real trail would be safer and probably faster . " Then I asked , " Did you ever see a wagon trail ? " Lynn said that she thought that she could , but she wasn 't really sure if it was a wagon trail or if it was just a gully . That day , Lynn and I decided that we would get a topographical map of Mammoth Cave National Park and try to figure out a way to use the park 's horse trails to get us to the creek . That way we would only have to be off the trail to cross the creek , climb the steep hill and to find the cemetery . After our visit to the cemetery , Lynn had bought a topographical map of the park and we had studied it . We had chosen a horse trail that would take us exactly to the location of the creek where it needed to be crossed . We had pinpointed the steep hill on the map and we determined the name of the area where the cemetery was located was called Chicken Hollow . We had also estimated the time to get to the cemetery and back to our car would be approximately four hours . Since that time with Lynn 's uncle Dan , we had not been back to the cemetery . But that Thanksgiving night , Lynn , Rosemary and I decided we would go the next day . So , on Black Friday at nine o ' clock in the morning , we drove to Mammoth Cave . We arrived at the park at almost ten that morning and we found the horse trail and set out for our hike . It had been raining all night and all morning , and the horse trails were very muddy and very slick , which made some areas on the trail hard to walk on . Lynn and I had our hiking sticks with us , but Rosemary had nothing to help her balance on the slick trail . After almost falling a couple of times , Rosemary went off the trail to find her a stick . When Rosemary came out of the woods and I saw the stick she had chosen , I started laughing and said , " Rosemary , you look like Moses ! " And then Lynn started laughing and said , " Momma , do you think you could have found a bigger stick ? " This stick Rosemary had brought out of the woods to use as a hiking stick was about six feet tall and three inches in diameter and probably weighed almost as much as she did . She told us not to worry about the stick she had picked out , and then she looked at me and said , " CJ , with all this rain , I am may have to part the sea . " We all laughed about this , and then we continued down the muddy horse trail . The last time we had gone to the cemetery , we only had to cross the creek once , so we were a bit surprised when came upon the creek so soon . We got the map out and we were sure we were going the correct way , so we all took off our socks and shoes and rolled up our pants and crossed the creek . After we were across , we put our socks and shoes back on and continued down the trail . In thirty more minutes , we came upon the creek again . We took off our socks and shoes ; rolled up our pants and crossed the creek . After about two hours of being on the trail , we had to cross that creek not once , not twice , but eight times . After the fourth time of crossing it , we finally said " the hell with it " and we just left our socks and shoes on . It was about one o ' clock when we finally made it to the steep hill that would take us to our destination . We crossed the creek and up the hill we went . This hill was about a hundred feet high and it was almost straight up , so climbing to the top with the ground covered in wet leaves made it extremely difficult . Every other step I took , my foot would slide out from under me and I had to keep grabbing tree limbs and small trees to help pull myself up to the top of the hill . When I finally did reach the top , I looked down and thought , " We 're going to have fun going down . " We proceeded to find the railroad tie and soon after we found the cemetery . Once we reached the cemetery and looked around and talked for a few minutes , we all sat down on a dead tree lying on the ground . As we sat there and rested , we each pulled out our snacks that we had brought and sat there and ate and talked for about thirty minutes . Then it started raining again , so we decided that we had better start back . By this time it was a little after three o ' clock and we were all getting tired and we were getting soaked from the rain . As we were leaving the cemetery , I looked around and I felt that something was wrong . I did a quick inventory check : I 've got my phone , I 've got my water ; I 've got my backpack and I 've got my hiking stick . So , what could be wrong ? I looked back in the direction of the cemetery and I could no longer see it . I thought , " We have only walked about fifty feet away and it 's like the cemetery doesn 't even exist . I shrugged it off and shook my head , and then started walking to catch up with Lynn and Rosemary . And , as soon I saw Lynn and Rosemary stop walking , I knew something was wrong . They had stopped right on the edge of a cliff and come to find out , we were heading the wrong way . Typically if you are going in the wrong direction , you simply turn around and go the other way . Now , I 'm not sure if you have ever been in the deep woods or not , but believe me , when you look around , everything looks exactly the same . Look to left all woods ; look to right all woods . North , east , south , west - looks all the same . We stood on the side of the cliff for a couple of minutes and we had no idea where we were or where we were going . It started raining harder and it would be dark in a couple of hours , so we decided to move on . We followed the edge of the cliff until we found a slope where we could start our descent down . We were all losing our footing and grabbing onto branches and bushes and small trees to keep us from falling . At the end of the slope was an eighteen foot wide gully that was about seven feet deep . We took turns scooting down the side of the gully . Lynn went first and stood at the bottom waiting on me and Rosemary . She helped Rosemary down to the bottom of the gully and then they both helped me to the bottom of the gully . And then we followed the gully as far as we could . And , after a little over an hour , and by some miracle , we reached the creek . We crossed the creek several times again and we finally made it back to our car right before it got dark . The entire time we were lost , none of us said a word about being scared and we never criticized one another , nor did we place blame . Nope ; we made the best of our situation ; we encouraged each other and we helped each other . That day we formed a special bond that will never be broken . I will never forget how happy we all were to get back to the vehicle . We all got in the car to get out of the rain , and we took off our soaked socks and shoes and sat there and talked about our day . Lynn said , " I kept checking my phone to see if I could get a signal . " Rosemary said , " I was afraid that it was going to get dark and we would be stuck in the woods all night . " The only thing I said was , " Maybe we should just go shopping next Black Friday . " And then we all died laughing . Posted on November 22 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes If you read my story " Hoverounds Can Be Fun " then you know that I play a couple of games on Facebook . One game I play is Farmville and the other game is called Mafia Wars . I admit , I like Mafia Wars much better because there 's a lot going on most any time of the day . With Farmville , you plant something then you have to wait for it to grow , and it gets very boring . Anyway , as I said , I like Mafia Wars much better and I have a couple of mafia members that are always posting comments that make me laugh . So I usually try to help them with jobs and missions or whatever they need at the moment . I have this one person who is in my top mafia and for the last couple of days , when she needs some items to be sent to her , she posts , " more more more … how you ' like it how you ' like it … " The first time I read this post , I thought , " I know that song ! " and immediately started singing it and then I thought " Italy ! " And since that first post of her 's , that song has been stuck in my head and I have been dancing around and singing it for days . The first time I heard that song was when my brother was in the Air Force . He joined the Air Force right after he graduated from high school , and throughout his career , he was stationed in several different places . For the entire time he was in the Air Force , my sister , Margo and I would visit him as often as we could ; no matter how close or how far he was , we always managed to see him . During boot - camp , he was stationed in Texas , and then when boot - camp was finished , he was transferred to Arkansas . He stayed in Arkansas for a couple of years and then he was transferred to Naples , Italy . Although my sister and I would not be able to see him quite as often , we were very excited about the chance to travel to Italy . So , the first thing Margo and I did was to get our passports . Margo and I both started saving our money , and day after day , one of us would call the airport to check the price of round trip ticket from Nashville , Tennessee to Naples , Italy . When we had finally saved up enough money , we were ready to make the reservations . Instead of making the reservations over the telephone , my sister and I drove to the airport and stood in the line at the TWA 's ticket counter . When it was our time to step up to the counter , we told the ticket agent that we were there to purchase two round trip tickets to Naples , Italy . The ticket agent started booking our flight , and when he told us how much it would cost , he was a bit surprised when we each pulled out $ 989 cold hard cash and laid it on the counter . He smiled and said , " That 's a lot of money for two young ladies to be carrying around . " We both smiled and said , " Yes it is and it took us a long time to get it . We have been saving for months . " We got our tickets that day , and on the way home we were so excited because in just one month , we would be going to Italy . The closer the day came for our departure , the more excited we both became . I even bought an English / Italian translation book , and for two weeks , I practiced on a few Italian phrases because I thought it might be a good idea to know a little Italian . I learned a few phrases , but the ones I used most were : " Ciao " , which means hello or goodbye ; " non è possibile " , which means not possible and " Vorrei una birra " , which means I 'd like a beer . " I used those Italian words several times during my stay in Italy , and believe me , they came in very handy . - Especially " non è possibile " , but that 's a different story 🙂 Anyway , it seemed like an eternity waiting to go on our trip , but , finally , it was time for us to travel . We took my sister 's car to the airport and on the way out - of - town , the radio station broadcasted our leaving by saying , " This next song is for two of our local girls who will be traveling to Naples , Italy today . CJ and Margo , have a safe trip and we 'll see you when you get back . Ciao ! " Realizing that we were actually on our way , Margo and I both screamed , " We 're really going ! ! ! " After being on the road for almost an hour , Margo and I made it to the airport and parked the car in long - term parking . Once we got inside the airport , we stood in TWA 's line and waited for a few minutes to check - in and I can remember being so very excited . When it was our turn , we stepped up to the counter and we were both talking and we were grinning from ear to ear . Margo put her suitcase down and I put mine right next to her 's . We handed the ticket agent our tickets and the lady gave us a pleasant smile and then commented on how happy we looked . We told her that we were going to Italy to see our brother and we could not wait to get there . Then all of a sudden , the lady frowned and said , " Hummmm … that 's odd . " Now , when someone says , " Hummm … . that 's odd . " , you know something 's wrong . At the exact same moment , Margo and I both asked , " What 's odd ? " The lady looked at Margo and then she looked at me and said , " I 'm sorry , but it appears that this flight was cancelled two weeks ago . Someone from TWA should have contacted you and explained the situation and booked you on another flight . " Mine and Margo 's smiles suddenly disappeared and both our hearts sank . My sister was almost crying when she said , " But please , we have been planning this trip for so long . We have both worked so hard to save our money and our brother is waiting to see us . Please , we have to go . " Seeing how important this trip was to us , the ticket agent called her supervisor to the counter and she filled him in on what was going on . He looked at me and Margo and said , " I 'm sorry , but the only other flight we could possibly get you on is leaving right this minute . " He stood there for a second , then he looked at his watch and said , " Stay right here . I 'm going to make a few phone calls . " He left the counter and after about ten minutes , he returned to the counter . I am not sure what he told the ticket agent , but she got on the computer and was typing faster than I had ever seen anyone type . He grabbed mine and Margo 's bags and he looked at us and said , " Come on ! We 've got to hurry because you girls are going to Italy ! " The three of us literally ran through the airport , and when we reached gate C15 , he yelled at the TWA employee that was standing at the gate door , " Two more passengers ! The ticket counter 's preparing the tickets right now . " We continue through the gate and once we reached the airplane , the Pilot and the stewardess grabbed our bags and started stuffing them into a compartment right inside the airplane 's door . We stood in the doorway for another ten minutes and then I noticed a lady running down the gate 's tunnel . When she reached the doorway , she handed my sister an envelope and said , " Here are your tickets . First you are going to St . Louis and then to New York . Once you get to New York , talk to the ticket agent there and they will give you the rest of the tickets you will need to get you to Naples . " My sister and I thanked the lady , and when we were walking down the aisle of the 747 to find our seats , we overheard several passengers complaining about the flight being delayed for more than thirty minutes , and the entire time and all their eyes were focused on us . We arrive in St . Louis on time and we had a half hour layover until our flight to New York . There was a terrible storm that day and I remember that it was thundering and lightening and it was making everyone nervous . The flight was delayed due to the bad storm , and that caused us to be almost an hour late arriving in New York . Once we landed at the LaGuardia Airport , my sister and I went to the first TWA counter we found . The Nashville 's agent had contacted them and the lady at LaGuardia gave us the rest of our tickets . We had almost an hour before we would board our next flight , so we went to a snack bar to get something to eat and drink . We didn 't stray too far away from our gate , and we kept listening for them to announce the flight information for our flight number 1697 to London , but they never did . We also kept checking the monitors to find flight 1697 , but we never could find it . Our tickets stated that our departure time was 3 : 15 p . m . and it was now 2 : 30 and the monitors still weren 't displaying our flight number . Margo and I were getting concerned that something was not quite right , so we approached the lady standing behind the counter at our gate and asked , " Is flight 1697 to London running on time ? " She looked at us and she seemed quite puzzled when she said , " We don 't have flights to London . " I was a bit surprised at her comment , so I looked at my ticket and said , " Yes you do . It says right here , flight 1697 to London departing at 3 : 15 p . m . " The lady asked to see my ticket and when she looked at it , she said , " Yes it does . But , it also says departing from JFK International Airport . Do you know where you are ? " I replied , " New York . " She said , " Yes , honey you are in New York , but you 're at LaGuardia Airport , not JFK International . " I said , " Well , how do we get to JKF ? " She said , " Considering you only have forty minutes to make the flight , I suggest that you take a taxi and you tell the driver to get you there fast . " As I started to walk away , I thought , " I wonder how our bags got to the JFK International ? " So I turned back around and looked at the lady and said , " Well how did our luggage get to JFK ? " By the look that woman gave me , I knew she thought I was an idiot , and with this " How stupid can you be ? " look , she said , " Your luggage is here with you at LaGuardia ; not at JFK . " She told us we would have to go to the baggage claim area and pick it up . She also told us there would be several taxis right outside the baggage claim area , so we shouldn 't have any trouble finding one . My sister and I ran so fast through that airport that day , we nicknamed each other " The Silver Bullet " and " Grease Lightening " . After we got our luggage , we ran outside and waved a taxi over . I told the driver , " If you can 't drive fast , we 're not riding with you . " He asked , " Where are you going ? " I said JFK International Airport and we have to be there now ! " As we got in the back seat of the taxi , he threw our luggage in the trunk and when he got under the steering wheel , hI was so happy when we boarded that flight to London , but I had no idea how long that flight was going to be . It took us several hours to get to London , and I was bored to death and I kept thinking , " For Pete 's sake ! This is a damn jet ! Can 't they go any faster ? " Fortunately for me , the airlines had offered each passenger a set of headphones , and you could use them to listen to a few different music channels . Each channel had a playlist , and once all of the songs had been played , they would start the playlist all over again . So , in order to occupy my time , I listened to one channel the entire way to London . Needless to say , I learned every single word to each and every one of those songs . The song " More , More , More " by Andrea True Connection happened to be one of the songs on that particular channel that I listened to . When we landed in London , we had another hour layover and then we flew into Milan , Italy . We had a two - hour layover there , and then we would finally be in Naples . So , for almost fourteen hours of going from one airport to another , I listened to that one music channel . My sister and I finally made it to Naples , and we had a wonderful time in Italy , and we traveled and toured some of the most beautiful places . We only stayed ten days , and we were both sad when we said " ciao " to my brother . This time , we left directly from Rome and it was non - stop to New York , which made our return trip better . And , once again I listened to that one music channel the entire time . I remember when I got home , one of my friends asked me about Italy . They said , " How did you like it ? " I laughed and I started dancing and singing , " More , More , More . How do you like it , how do you like it ! " And , I bet I sang that song for three months straight , and I know I probably got on everybody 's nerves . However , you have to admit , it is a very catchy tune . Thanks to one of my mafia members for having such a great sense of humor , this song is once again stuck in my head . But if you were to ask me , " How do you like it ? " My reply will would be , " More , more , more . " Posted on November 19 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes If you read my story , " The Mighty Casey " , then you know that for a while I was an enthusiastic geocacher . Geocaching is an activity where people hide a container , and by using a GPS they get the coordinates of the hiding spot . Then they post the coordinates on the website , geocaching . com , and other people get the coordinates and use their GPS to find the hidden container . When a new hide is posted , all the geocachers in the area try to find it first . This is called , " First to Find " and everybody wants to be the first to find a geocache . My friend , Lynn , and I really became involved in this activity and we called ourselves the " Kentuckygirls " . It didn 't matter what time of day or night it was , if there was a new listing , we were always the " First to Find " . Oddly enough , we rarely saw any other geocachers . After almost a year , we had found every single geocache within a sixty mile radius . Geocaching was fun and many of the caches were hidden in places of natural beauty or historical significance . To me , this made finding the caches more interesting and fun . I always took my camera and would take pictures . Sometimes , the person who hides or visits the cache will place a " Travel Bug " or a " Geocoin " in the container and that makes finding it more fun . A travel bug is merely a dog tag with a tracking number on it . Normally , the owner of the travel bug will attach the dog tag to an object and put a note with it that explains the travel bug 's mission . Lynn and I had a travel bug called , " Quarterback Sneak " . We attached the dog tag to a miniature Tennessee Titans helmet . Quarterback Sneak 's mission was to travel to any type of football game and we requested the finders to post a picture and then drop our travel bug into another cache so it could continue its mission . Quarterback Sneak travel a total of 963 . 9 miles , and then someone kept it and never placed it in another geocache . So , that was the end of Quarterback Sneak . A geocoin is something that is very popular with geocachers . Some geocoins are trackable on the geocaching site and , just like the travel bug , you place a note with the coin and state the coin 's mission . Lynn and I had a trackable geocoin we named , Bluegrass Gypsy . Bluegrass Gypsy 's mission was to travel like a gypsy and to visit all the 50 U . S . states as well as Europe , Asia and other continents . Bluegrass Gypsy traveled a total of 9710 . 8 miles before she was lost . Lynn and I both started collecting different types of geocoins ; some were trackable , and some were not . We even designed our own personal Kentuckygirls ' geocoin and traded it with other collectors . We only had 100 of the Kentuckgirls ' coins minted and after about two months we had traded all but six . I still have those six and plan on keeping them for as long as I live . Anyway , we had found just about every cache around and we were getting bored with geocaching . Then one day while I was looking at other geocoins out there , I ran across The Caching Place and they had a contest and the winners would receive a geocoin . The contest had been going on for a few days , so it was very likely that if Lynn and I entered it , we would not have time to complete the requirements . Some of the requirements were easy , but others would be very difficult for us to complete . One of the requirements was to be The First to Find . As I stated before , we had found every cache within a sixty mile radius and for us to find another one , we would have to travel quite a long way . Apparently Lynn had read about the contest too , and later that night we talked to each other about entering it . And even though we probably won 't win a coin , we thought it might be fun so we signed up and started the mission . The first few requirements were fairly easy to get . In three days we found a Statue Cache , a River Cache , a Forest Cache , a Cache with a Great View , and Graveyard Cache . The next couple of days we Moved a Travel Bug , found a Cache that was Placed in 2003 and found a Dog Cache . In eight days , we had completed all the requirements except for two : First to Find and Attend a Geocaching Event . For three days straight , Lynn and I kept logging onto geocaching . com off and on all day looking for a new cache and an event that we could attend . Then one afternoon Lynn called me and said there was a new cache listed and it was only fifty miles away . She continued to describe the cache saying it was a puzzle cache and we would have to break a code to get the coordinates . After we finished talking , I got on the internet and pulled up the new geocache and Lynn was right , it was going to be tough to break the code . The code was a picture of frogs and some were darker green than the others . I had no idea what type of code this could be , so I was worried that we might not figure it out in time to be the first to find it . Lynn and I got together that night and studied that frog picture for hours . Just when we were about to give up , Lynn hovered the mouse over one of the frogs and all the sudden the number 00110010 appeared above the frog . Then she moved the mouse over to the next frog and the number 00111001 appeared . We looked at each other and said , " Huh . So , that 's the code . " I grabbed a pen and Lynn moved the mouse to the first frog and started reading the numbers to me . I wrote all the number down on a piece of paper and Lynn and I studied the numbers trying to figure out what type of code it was . We worked on that puzzle half the night and I remember dreaming about those stupid frogs and those numbers all night long . We got together the next day after work and worked on the puzzle again . For two days I was so consumed with those frogs and those numbers , I couldn 't think of anything else . Then just as I fell asleep that night , I woke myself up saying , " Binary ! " I laid there for a couple of minutes , and then I said , " Binary ! Of course … . Zeros and Ones ! ! ! It 's binary code . " I got up and ran into the study and grabbed the piece of paper with the numbers on it and I logged onto the internet . I googled " Binary code for numbers " and I found what I was looking for . I worked with the numbers and the frogs until I was confident that the coordinates I had come up with were correct . The next day I took off work early to meet Lynn so we could drive to the location before it got dark . We were the first to find on that geocache and we were so excited we posted a note in the cache that said , " First To Find . Rib - BIT . Rib - BIT ! " Now , we only had one more requirement left and we would be finished . The last requirement was to attend a geocaching event . The event we had found to attend was on a Thursday night and it was being held in the same city where we had been the first to find on the frogs ' cache . I didn 't have to take off work early that day because the event was not scheduled until 7 : 00 that evening . Thursday rolled around and it was such a rainy , nasty day . That afternoon about 4 : 30 the National Weather Service had issued tornado warnings for our town and the surrounding areas until eight o ' clock that evening . I was hoping the weather would clear up before we had to leave for the event , but it didn 't . If anything , the weather got worse . As soon as I got home from work , I logged onto the internet and went to geocaching . com and looked up the event . The hosts of the event had left a message saying that they might cancel it due to the bad weather in the area . I thought , " NO ! You can 't cancel IT ! . This is the only event this month and we HAVE to attend an event ! " I replied to the message , " Oh a little rain never hurt anyone . Have been looking forward to seeing everyone , so the Kentuckygirls will be there by seven o ' clock . " I checked the event page again about thirty minutes later , and a few other people confirmed that they would be there too , so the event wasn 't cancelled . Lynn and I got into my truck at six o ' clock that evening and we headed south to Tennessee . You must understand that I don 't drive that well anyway , but the rain and wind made my driving much worse . We travel on a two lane highway and as soon as we crossed the Kentucky / Tennesse line , all hell broke loose . It was thundering and lightening and it was raining so hard , my windshield wipers seemed useless . The wind was blowing my truck all over the road and water was standing on the highway causing me to hydroplane . The worst part of it all was that I could not see anything except a tractor - trailer 's tail lights in front of me . When that tractor - trailer sped up , I sped up . When it slowed down , I slowed down . I remember commenting to Lynn , " I sure hope they can see because I can 't . I 'm following his tail lights , so if he goes off in a ditch , we 're going right behind him . " I was a nervous wreck and I could tell Lynn was nervous too because she wasn 't saying a word . About fifteen miles away from the city , that damn tractor - trailer pulled off the road , and from that moment on , I had no tail lights to follow . I kept hitting puddles of water and running off the road . The wind didn 't help matters any . It had been blowing so hard , my arms began to ache from the strain from holding the steering wheel trying to keep the vehicle on the road . The closer we got to the city limits , the faster I drove because I wanted to get somewhere safe and I wanted to get there quickly . We ran into a stretch of road that was flooded and I hydroplaned and ran off the road , but fortunately I was able to swerve back onto the road before it was too late . Lynn grabbed the dashboard and said , " CJ . Stay on the road ! " I said , " I can 't see A ROAD . Can you ? " She said , " No . " I said , " Okay then . Don 't complain . " We finally arrived at our destination and we had a nice supper and good conversation and by the time we were ready to leave , the wind had died down and the rain had stopped . I was so tired when I got home that night , I went straight to bed . I didn 't know until the next morning that there had been several tornadoes that damaged many homes and businesses . Many places were flooded due to the heavy down pour and the strong winds had blown over several trees . While I was watching the local news , I discovered that most of the damage had been in the area we were driving through the night before . I thought , " No wonder I couldn 't see the road . Damn tornadoes were all around us . " Then I shook my head and thought , " The things I will do for a geocoin . " That afternoon Lynn and I went to The Caching Place 's website and logged our final requirement . After their site accepted our log a puzzle popped up and we had to solve it before we could win a geocoin . I looked at it and I had no idea what this puzzle meant . Lynn studied the puzzle for a couple of minutes and then she submitted an answer . Her answer was correct and at 4 : 44 that afternoon , we were awarded a geocoin , and out of 917 participants we came in 44th place . We were both so happy to be finished , we posted this note on their forum : " WOW ! ! ! It 's over ! ! It 's time to celebrate ! Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum all around on the Kentuckygirls ! ! " I had a lot of fun searching for those geocaches and it has been a long time since we found our last one . August 27 , 2006 was the last time Lynn and I went geocaching and our total finds are listed at 497 . It 's kind of funny because everybody within a three hundred mile radius has heard of the Kentuckygirls . And still to this day , someone will send an email asking for one of our geocoins or wanting to meet us . And there 's this one reporter that 's always wanting to interview us about geocaching , but we always decline . I must admit that have several fond memories of caching , but none can compare to the night we went to that event . And still to this day , every time I 'm on the highway and get caught in bad weather , I think about that night , and I always say , " Yo Ho Ho and A Bottle of Rum ! " Then I just die laughing . Posted on November 19 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes I like scary movies , but none of them seem as scary as they use to be . It may be because I have gotten older or because I watch the news , movies and television and they show so many unusual and horrible things . I remember when I was young , I would come home from school every day and have a snack and watch television before starting on my homework . One afternoon and I was watching " The Big Show " , and that day the show was " The Attack of the Giant Woman " . I don 't remember all the details of the movie , but I can remember that the woman 's husband was cheating on her , and then she had some sort of encounter with aliens . I am not sure what the aliens did to her , but the next thing I knew she started growing taller and taller . She grew so much that she was soon taller than the skyscrapers . I don 't know what scared me about that movie , but I was scared . After the woman became a giant , she went searching for her husband and the women he was seeing . I can 't remember too much about the movie because I had my eyes closed most of the time , and before it was over , I had hidden behind the couch . The last thing I saw was the giant woman finding her husband and his girlfriend parking in a secluded place in his car . Then just as soon as she picked up the car and started slinging it around , I closed my eyes and covered my ears . After about a minute , I uncovered my ears and I could hear that a commercial was on , so I crawled out from behind the couch and ran and turned the T . V . off . I never want to see that movie again ! I suppose I outgrew being so scared watching these types of movies because now it takes a lot to scare me . Every now and then , I will watch a " Ghosts Hunters " or " Haunted Houses " show and I find them kind of fascinating . When I was young , my dad told me stories about his great - aunt . He said she had some sort of power that enabled her to move things just by thinking about moving them . He said that he remembered his great - aunt razing a kitchen table off the floor without touching it . At first , those stories gave me the creeps , but the more I thought about it , the more I was interested . I thought , " Gees , if I could do that I could scare the crap out of people . " So for days and days I would sit and stare at our kitchen table and try to lift it off the floor . I never could do it , so I thought that maybe I should try to move something a bit lighter like a vase or something . I placed a glass on the table and concentrated on moving it and I tried and tried and tried , but it didn 't work . I soon gave up on moving objects with my mind , but I never outgrew my curiosity of my great - great aunt 's special talent . I do believe in ghosts and I do believe there are spirits among us . But I also believe that it takes a special type of person to " feel the presences " of a ghost or spirit . I truly don 't want that special talent because I do not want to have any contact with anyone or anything I can 't see . I feel the less I know about ghosts and spirits , the better off I am . However , we all grow up with stories of places where ghosts are supposed to be , and for some odd reason , we all want to investigate these places ; even me . There 's this haunted house a few miles from where I live and the place is called " The Octagon House " , and there have been many claims of the sightings of ghosts and apparitions . Some of my friends and I were talking about this place one day , and we all were interested in going to this place . And the more we talked about it , the more we wanted to go . It was around Halloween , and we all wanted to do something together , and someone heard that The Octagon House was conducting tours for Halloween . About a dozen of my friends decided we would go to the house and we would go on Halloween night . A few days leading up to the excursion , we all read stories about the place and we researched the history of the house . We shared our findings with each other and every time we talked about the house , I got more nervous about going . I remember , one of my friends , Beth , saying , " When we leave , we have to tell the spirits that they cannot go with us . That is very important , so everybody needs to remember to do that . " By the time the big night approached , I had almost talked myself out of going , but it was mostly my idea , so I couldn 't back out . We took three separate vehicles and we all met at The Octagon House about seven o ' clock . There were so many people there and we knew it would be a long wait , but we were determined to wait as long as necessary to tour the haunted house . We had to take a number and wait until our group 's number was called before we could go in . I can 't remember who got our number , but when they brought the ticket back to our little group , I asked , " What number are we ? " And they said , " 666 . " We all looked at each other and said , " Oh ! 666 . That 's not good . " It had been raining all day and the wind had picked up and it was freezing that night . As we waited for our " 666 " number to be called , we huddled up together and we started telling ghost stories about the house and other places . Some of the stories were pretty spooky and the more we talked the more sacred and nervous I became , but I was determined to go into that house with my friends . My friends told story after story and every time the guides called a number , I would look at my friend , Lynn , and ask , " What number are we ? " Each time , everyone would look at me and say , " 666 ! … . . Ohoooo ! " And each time , they would all laugh . After we had been there waiting for an hour , we started taking about some of the weird stuff that had happened to us that day at work . Lynn said she had a truck deliver some raw materials and she said , " Guess what the lot number was on the material ? LPJ666 ! " Then when I thought back on my day , I said , " Ah oh . Our deposit today was six hundred sixty six thousand something . Then Beth said she had taken a message from a customer , and after the area code , their number began with 666 . Another friend was running a test on a product and the result was 6 . 66 . Then another friend said , " Oh ! This is weird . My total tips for the day was sixty - six dollars . " It seemed like everyone had 666 occurrences in their day , and we all thought it was very strange . We had waited so long , we were all getting cold , so we decided to take turns going to our vehicles so we could warm up . Lynn and I joined her sister and her brother - in - law and got in their car . The heater was on full blast and we finally started to get warm . We sat there for about fifteen minutes and I looked over at Lynn and said , " You think we should get back up there ? " Lynn said , " No . Beth said she would come and get us if they called our number . " Now , after we had talked about " our number " for over an hour , you would think I wouldn 't have to ask , but I did . I looked at Lynn and asked , " What number are we anyway ? " Lynn looked at me like I was dumber than a rock and she said , " 666 dumb ass ! What do you think we 've been talking about for the past hour ? " Without thinking about what I was doing , I slapped Lynn as hard as I could on her arm and said , " I can 't believe you called me a dumb ass ! No one 's ever called me that before . " Lynn said , " Well , if the shoe fits , wear it . " Everybody , including me had a good laugh over this and honestly , that was a stupid question . They finally called our number , 666 , and we all got to go inside the house and tour it . We didn 't see a ghost that night , but that was okay because if I had seen one , I would have probably taken off running . I do admit , it was kind of spooky being in that house ; especially when a closet door in one of the bedrooms opened by itself . We heard some strange noises and when we walked the grounds , it felt like you were being followed and watched . The tour itself lasted about forty minutes and we all had a really good time and I would recommend others to go visit the house . We talked about our trip to The Octagon House for several weeks later , and each and every time , someone would look at me and say , " What number are we CJ ? " And I would look back at them and say , " 666 dumb ass ! " Then we would all just die laughing . Posted on November 17 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes If you have been following my stories , then you know that Lynn is my best friend . Lynn is a very good person and she would do anything for anyone ; especially me because I 'm her best friend . But , I would do anything for her too . Lynn and I have been friends for several years now , and her family has practically adopted me . I think the world of all of them and I feel right at home being around them . Lynn 's parents decided that for Lynn 's and her sister 's birthday they would take them to the mountains as a present . And fortunately for me , I was invited to go to Gatlinburg with them . And of course I jumped at the opportunity to go . We left out on a Tuesday morning . We took two vehicles and were to meet up for breakfast at a Cracker Barrel that was about an hour away . Both vehicles arrive within five minutes of each other and we all sat down for a good breakfast . The waitress came up to our table and asked , " Are ya 'll here for all the hoopla ? " And Lynn said , " What hoopla ? " The waitress replied , " Didn 't you know ? Smokey Robinson is sitting right over there . " Even though Smokey Robinson was a bit before our time , we all recognized his name and we started trying to think of songs he sang . Lynn and I both got out our Iphones and while Lynn was Googling it , I was on Youtube finding songs . Once I found one of the songs he sang , I turn the volume up as loud as it would go and I played , " I Second that Emotion " . We were all sitting around our table singing and I was trying to convince Lynn and her sister to go over and have Smokey sign their birthday cards . And they did . I even talked to Smokey and he was so nice . I told him , " Smokey , I love your music . " Then he hugged me and said , " I love you too . " And I thought , " I didn 't say I loved you , only your music . " , but I didn 't say anything , I just smiled . Once we finished meeting Smokey and eating breakfast , we hit the road again . On the way to Gatlinburg , I asked Lynn what kind of activities she had planned for us . She said she wanted to go white water rafting and zip lining . Well , I had been white water rafting once in my life and really didn 't want to do it again . You see , my ex and I took a couple of trips to Alaska , and once we went rafting down the Nenana River . And , of course , my ex chose an all day trip so we were on that river for eight hours . Now , I don 't know why the Nenana River guide liked me so well , but he did . Every time we hit a rapid , he would make sure the water splashed on me and I would get soaked , and every time I would scream , " That water 's ice cold . " I don 't remember the guide 's name , but I called him Willie because he looked like a much younger Willie Nelson . I also remember being terrified the entire eight hours , and although no one fell out of our boat , the other boats were losing passengers left and right . I also remember when I got off of that raft that day and stepped onto dry land , I swore I would never go white water rafting again . So , you can see why I was reluctant to go white water rafting with Lynn , but I did . And unlike that previous rafting trip , I had the best time and I am ready to do it again . The other thing Lynn talked me into doing was zip lining . It is very strange that she would want to do that because she is afraid of heights . I admit , I am afraid of heights too , but not nearly as much as Lynn . I remember once , we went to this amusement park and there was this ride called " The Shock Drop " . This ride took you straight up in the air about 100 feet and once it reached the top , it quickly dropped you back down to the platform . Well , we stood there and watched other people ride it and kids were riding it , so we thought , " How bad could be ? " Lynn really wanted to ride it , so I said , " Okay , let 's do it . " We got on the ride and we buckled up . When the ride got full a few minutes later , the ride operator came around to make sure we were buckled in good . Lynn said to the guy , " I 'm a bit scared . " He grinned and said , " You won 't be scared but about 50 seconds . " And then he pressed the " Go " button , and up we went . I bet we weren 't five feet from the platform and Lynn said , " Okay , I 'm ready to get off . " I replied , " You 'll get off in about 50 seconds . " We went up and up and up and Lynn kept saying , " I don 't like this ! " , and I kept saying , " Stop it , you 're making me nervous . " When we finally reached the top , I heard a loud click and down we went and I screamed so loud that I lost my voice for two days . Lynn didn 't scream , she just laughed all the way down . But we never rode that ride again . I started thinking about this zip lining thing , and the more I thought about it , the more I was determined to do it . Besides , you only die once , so why not die having fun ? I did talk Lynn into doing a short 2 hours trip , just in case we didn 't like it and she was fine with that . The morning arrived and we drove down to the zip lining place . They put harnesses on us and gave us leather gloves and a hard hat and went through the safety drill . There were about 15 of us and none of us had ever zip lined before , so I believe we were all a bit apprehensive when we boarded the bus to take us up the mountain . Once we reached the top , we all got off the bus and were given instructions on how to guide ourselves , how to break and they told us to make sure we jumped far away from the platform so we didn 't hit our butts or back or something . The entire time , I was looking down and thinking , " Damn that 's a long way down . " There were about five of the zip line employees with us and after we were informed on what to do , it was time for us to zip line . I really wanted to go first just to get it over with , but I ended up next to last . Lynn did let me go before her . I stood there on the side of that mountain watching everybody walk on the suspended bridge to the first platform . They looked as scared as I felt , and even though I was scared , I was a little bit excited about it . Then it was my turn . One employee hooked me onto the steel cable and I slowly walked across the two foot wide walkway and arrived safely at the platform . Once I was ready to zip line , I looked down and thought , " Damn , that sure is a long way down . " Then the guy said , " Ready ? " I said , " Ready as I 'll ever be . " Then I jumped off that platform and zipped all the way across . The guy on the other side caught me and helped me stand up and I was so happy I had made it across safely and then I thought , " Only eight more of these jumps to go . " We all had the best time that day zipping from one platform to the other . However , there were a couple of incidences that I should talk about . The first one was when one of the participants zipped lined right into the tree on the platform . I was standing in line waiting for my turn and watching everyone else go across and I promise you , this guy hit the tree so hard I think the only thing that kept him from not being knocked out was his hard hat . Then , once I didn 't jump away from the platform far enough , and yes , my butt hit the wooden platform and as I was zipping away I heard the instructor say , " See , that 's what you don 't want to do . " I thought , " Leave it to me to set the example . " Not only did I hit my butt once , but I hit it again on the next platform . It didn 't hurt though , but when we were finished I kept thinking that something was wrong . As we were walking back to the hotel , I turned my butt to Lynn and said , " I feel like I still have that harness on , do you ? " She said , " No . " And just as soon as we got back to the room , I bent over to take off my shoes and my favorite pair of jeans I was wearing split from the back pocket down . I didn 't hear the rip , but I felt the cool air hit my butt . . I started laughing and turned my butt toward Lynn and said , " Well , seventy bucks for a pair of jeans , a hundred to zip line and look at this . Priceless ! " Lynn just died laughing . Posted on November 15 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes If you read my story " Selling - Not My Cup of Tea " , then you know that I have made some really good friends on Facebook . One of these friends is having surgery on Wednesday . Her name is Niecy , and Niecy and I met playing Mafia Wars . I was playing this game called Farmville , and in order to get a " Hot Rod Tractor " , you had to play Mafia Wars and level up a couple of times . Well , I just had to have that tractor , so I started playing Mafia Wars . Niecy was one of the first people to join my mafia and we didn 't say anything to each other for a long time , but once we started chatting , we never stopped . We have become very good friends and she is so funny and I love talking to her because I laugh so hard over many of the things she says . Anyway , when we first started chatting , Niecy told me she was having problems with her knee . She is a very active person and she wasn 't able to ride her bike or do the things that she really enjoyed , so she spent part of her time icing the bad knee and chatting with me on Facebook . I use to joke with her by telling her that she was just getting old , but she always fired back at me with a comment and we would go back and forth with smart comments to each other , but we always ended up laughing . Niecy and I are always going on about something and we share our funny stories with each other . We pick at each other on the live feed and by the sound of some of our comments , you would think that we don 't like each other at all . But we always know that other one is just kidding around ; except for that one time . Now , I don 't know if both of us were just in a bad mood or what , but I posted a comment on one of my mafia member 's post , and Niecy made a comment about the comment I had made . Well , I got a bit ticked about the comment that Niecy made about my comment , so I kicked her out of my mafia . Niecy sent me a message and said , " so u removed yourself from my mafia ? " My answer was , " no . I removed you from my mafia . I was upset with your comment on that post . I didn 't care for it . I almost deleted you as a friend , but I didn 't . " Then , the next thing I knew was that Niecy had unfriended me from Facebook . It was like she never existed . I couldn 't even see her posts on our mutual friends ' posts . Well that made me madder . I thought , " The nerve of her deleting me ! How could she do that ? " Now , anyone who knows me knows that I am a very stubborn person and when I get mad at someone , that is usually the end of the friendship . Normally I would just go on with my life and wouldn 't let it bother me . But this was different because I didn 't want our friendship to end . Although I was mad , I was sad at the same time . I knew I had hurt Niecy 's feelings , and I didn 't know how I was going to fix it . Day after day , I kept wondering if she would ever try to contact me . On the fourth night of not talking to Niecy , I had given up on her contacting me so I started thinking about how I could contact her . Then I remembered that we had talked to each other on the phone once . I never delete any thing on my cell phone , so I looked back to the time we had talked and found her number . I took a deep breath and I pressed " call " . And , wouldn 't you know it , I got her voice mail . At first , I started to hang up , but then I thought , " You owe her an apology . " So , I left a message that went something like this : " Hi Niecy . This is CJ . I was hoping you would pick up the phone , but you didn 't . I started thinking about what happened , and you know that my philosophy is to " Never have any regrets " ? Well , I regret what happened the other night and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am . You are my friend . So , can you call me back , please ? Take care ! " Then I ended the call . I didn 't hear from her that night , but the very next day , I had a Facebook friend request from Niecy and I was relieved and happy . And come to find out , she was happy and relieved too . Anyway , Niecy is having knee surgery this week and we were chatting last night . She said that she had gone to Wal - Mart and her husband had suggested that she use one of those " Hoverounds " that the store has for handicap people . Of course she refused to use one . I told her I thought it would be fun riding around the store on one of those things and it would be even more fun if it had a horn on it . After we finished chatting , I started thinking about some of the people who use Hoverounds . In my opinion , many of the people who ride around on them don 't really need to . To me , most of them look perfectly capable of walking and some actually look like they need to walk . But there are some people who do really need them . I remember one day when I entered Wal - Mart , this one elderly man was getting on a Hoveround . As I walked around him , I overheard his wife trying to tell him how to drive it . About fifteen minutes later , I ran into them again and the wife was fussing about the way he was driving . I focused my attention on finding the item I was looking for , and then my concentration was broken by a loud crash . The old man had run into a display rack and the items were falling all over the floor . I could tell he was embarrassed and his wife continued to fuss at him . I giggled a little bit and went over and started helping the woman put the stuff back on the display rack . Then I went back to looking for what I needed . Just as I found the item and as I started to leave the aisle , I heard the women yell , " Watch where you 're going ! " When I turned to look , I saw him sitting on that Hoveround and he was flying right toward me and his eyes were as big as quarters . To avoid being hit , I jumped out - of - the - way and the woman was running behind him saying , " Put on the brakes ! Put on the brakes ! " And just before he had another collision , the woman was able to stop the contraption . She looked at me and asked , " Are you okay ? " I nodded and assured her that I was fine . Then she looked at her husband and said , " Get off that thing before you kill someone ! " He said , " I 'll take it back to the front door and I 'll wait for you there . " She said , " Oh no you won 't . We going to leave this thing right here and we 're going to walk to the front door . " He said , " We can 't leave it here . " She said , " Yes we can . You are never driving one of those things again . I 'll tell the Wal - Mart Greeter to send someone to get it . Now come on ! " The old man got off the Hoveround and I giggled as they walked off . But I promise you , that even to this day , when I see someone driving one those things , I go in the other direction . So , Niecy , I know you will be one of the first to read this today , and I want you to know that I will be thinking of you Wednesday . I am sure your knee will be like new before long and you 'll be riding that bike before you know it , and you 'll never need a Hoveround . But , when I finally make it up your way , we 're going to Wal - Mart , and we 're going to ride around on one of those things , just for the hell of it . I figure if everybody else can do it , then we can too ! 😛 Posted on November 14 , 2010 by Through CJ 's Eyes I just got back from a short trip to Hebron , Kentucky . Hebron is a small community that is about fifteen miles from Cincinnati . The reason I went there is because my best friend , Lynn , had to attend a two - day training session for her company and she asked me if I wanted to go with her . Since I have some free time on my hands , I said , " Yes . " We left out on Tuesday morning and her training began on Wednesday . So we had Tuesday night to do something together , and the remaining time I would be on my own . Before we left for our trip , I had done some research on the internet and I had picked out two things that I could do while I was there . I was either going to the Cincinnati Zoo or I would go to the New Port Aquarium . We arrived in Hebron about four o ' clock Tuesday afternoon . After we checked into the hotel , I talked to the hotel concierge , and he gave me map to help me find my way around . I took the map back to the room and studied it for a few minutes . If you read my story " The Official Driver and The Official Navigator " , then you are well aware of the fact that I am not good with directions . Since I would be traveling by myself , I decided that I had better stay away from Cincinnati , so I decided to go to the aquarium instead . Lynn and I traveled to New Port later that evening to get a bite to eat . I didn 't have any idea where I was going , but by some miracle , I drove directly into New Port . I was pretty impressed with myself , and just when I was trying to find a place to park , I took a wrong turn and ended up a one way street and crossing the bridge that connects Kentucky with Ohio . Lynn looked over at me and said , " Well , you were determined that we were going to Cincinnati tonight , weren 't you ? " Once we entered Cincinnati and got off the bridge we had to stop at a traffic light . Something caught my eye and I looked down , and I 'll be damned my gas light wasn on , and I knew there wouldn 't be a gas station in downtown Cincinnati , so I began to get nervous . I said , " Crap ! My gas light 's on . " Lynn said , " We 're lost . " , and I said , " I 'm not worried about getting lost , I 'm concerned about running out of gas . " The light turned green and I turned left and not wanting to go into Cincinnati any further , I did a u - turn right in front of the Cincinnati Red 's stadium . I laughed and looked over at Lynn and said , " We 're not lost . I know exactly where we 're going . " Lynn said , " I hope so . " and she just shook her head and held on . After we went back over the bridge , I found a parking spot . We had a nice supper and then we returned to the hotel . Anyway , I made it just fine the next day on my trip back to New Port and to the aquarium . I love going to different aquariums , because you can see some very unusual fish and some of the most beautiful fish . My favorites parts are the tropical fish section and the coral section because they are absolutely stunning . It was a perfect day to visit the aquarium because it was the middle of the week and there was only a hand full of people there . I spent nearly three hours looking at everything and taking picture after picture and talking to the other people I ran into . On the way back to the hotel , I started thinking about how beautiful the fish were and how much I missed not have an aquarium at home . LP and I use to have a 33 gallons hexagon aquarium that sat on a beautiful oak stand . It was hard getting the aquarium started at first because it seemed like every time we bought a new fish , it would either die or another fish would make a meal of the new comer . After about six months of trial and error , we found the right balance of fish and they all seemed to get along just fine . We had three blue colored Tetra ; one named Fred , one named Ethel , and the other was named Eddie George ( named after the Tennessee Titans football player ) . We had three Angelfish named Sarah McLachlan , Patty Loveless and Alanis Morissette . We had five Black Skirt Tetra named " The Five Skirts " , and a half a dozen Neon Tetra , which we never named . We had the aquarium floor covered with colored marble rocks and there were three plants positioned close to the edges of the tank and some fake coral in the center of the tank . It was a very beautiful aquarium and every night after I got home from work , I would sit and stare at the tank for a while because it relaxed me so much . We had this balance of fish for almost two years and then one of the fish got something they call fish ich . I am not sure how the fish got ich , but I think it was when we put a new fish in the tank . As soon as we realized that one of the fish had ich , we went to the fish store and bought some medicine to put in the tank . The new fish died and then Ethel got ich , and after a few days of having ich , she died . When I got home from work , LP told me that Ethel had died and I was so sad . I thought , " What 's Fred going do without Ethel ? " We continued putting medicine in the tank each day , but Fred came down with ich next and he died . Two of " The Skirts " died and every one of the Neon Tetra died ; now only Eddie , Sarah , Patty , Alanis and three skirts remained in our tank . The aquarium looked so empty and I was depressed because all the fish had been dying off one by one . We continued giving them the ich medicine and after two months they all seemed to heal and they seemed to be doing fine . We didn 't want to buy more fish because we were concerned that it would infect our now healthy fish with some other disease . So , we keep the fish we had , and they grew bigger and bigger , and I grew more and more fond of each surviving fish . About six months after the ich epidemic , I got a phone call at work . Darlene , the receptionist , buzzed my office and said , " CJ . LP is on the phone for you . " I picked up the receiver and said , " Hey ! What 's up ? " LP said , " Are you sitting down ? " I said , " Yes . Why ; what 's wrong ? " LP said , " I don 't know how to tell you this except just to tell you . Eddie died this morning . " Immediately I started crying . LP said , " I was afraid you were gonna take it hard . " We talked for a few minutes and after we hung up , I sat there and cried . I suppose that Darlene must have heard me crying because she came into my office and asked , " CJ ? What 's wrong ? " Through my sniffling , I replied , " Eddie George just died . " She looked shocked and I thought she was going to cry too . She said , " What happened ? How did he die ? " I replied , " He had ich . " She said , " Ich ? What is that ? " I said , " It 's a disease that fish get . " She asked , " How did Eddie George get ich ? " I answered , " I guess he got it from another fish . There was an epidemic , remember ? " She said , " Hum . Really ? I didn 't know humans could get diseases from fish . " Then I was confused and I said , " Humans don 't get ich . " She said , " Well how did Eddie get ich then ? " I said , " Because Eddie 's a fish . Who did you think I was talking about ? " She said , " The football player . Remember Eddie George ? Your favorite Tennessee Titan ? " I said , " Oh no , not Eddie ! Eddie 's fine . I hope ! " Then she giggled and said , " CJ . I have seen people cry over a lot of things , but I have never seen anyone cry over a dead fish . " Then we both started laughing and Darlene gave me a hug and said , " Look at the bright side . You may have lost your fish , but you still have your running back . " Eddie was the last fish to die from ich . We had Sarah , Patty , Alanis and " The Three Skirts " for three more years and they gave me , LP and the cat , Chloe , hours of pleasure just watching them swim around in their tank . When we decided to get rid to the fish tank , we gave all the fish to one of LP 's co - workers . About a month after we had given the fish away , I started thinking about them . I asked LP , " How are fish doing ; do you know ? " LP said , " I was hoping you wouldn 't ask me that , but since you did I have to tell you . They 're all dead . " I said , " Dead ? He 's only had them a month and they are all dead ? " LP replied , " The only thing I know is that Patty jumped out of the tank the first night and he found her on the floor the next morning . As far as the rest of them go , I didn 't ask . I just know they 're dead . " All the sudden I pictured Patty , Sarah , Alanis and " The Three Skirts " swimming around in the aquarium and then tears came to my eyes . LP came over and hugged me and patted me on the back and said , " It 's going to be alright . Go ahead and let it out . It 's okay to cry . " And I did . I cried for a little bit , and then I thought about what Darlene had said , and I started laughing . I looked up at LP and said , " I 'm so silly to cry over something like dead fish . " LP grinned and said , " Well look at the bright side . At least you weren 't at work this time when I told you . " And we both started laughing .

I was a bit wiped out writing three long posts about my Dad - sometimes I was seeing pictures from the past , sometimes I was a bit drippy and many times I was smiling as I recalled things about that dear man . I have been making a list of things I had forgotten so there will be other post about him . It was a stressful week because of Dad 's birthday , but also because f Mom , probably more emotional stress than physical . Dad enjoyed working with his hands and the business gave him something where he felt he made people happy with his products . He was much happier working in his business , his blood pressure went down a lot as the business grew . He did have health challenges - a heart attack around 1979 that neither Mom and Dad saw coming . I was in new Jersey at the time and it was a real shock - I realized my parents wouldn 't always be there as I had assumed . Plus , it was difficult to be on the other side of the country . But Dad bounced back and began walking every day , Mom was always there with him . In later years he had two bouts with colon cancer and continued to work . If he didn 't have the business to focus on , he may not have done as well . He was losing his hearing , all that time in the aircraft industry didn 't help . I remember when I was working at Boeing at the same time he was , we would ride to work together - he left half an hour early for me and I waited half an hour for him . I remember one day he took me next door to the factory - I had to cover my ears because the noise was so loud . There 's Dad , no hands to his ears , pointing out things to me . The noise didn 't bother him after all those years but I was ringing and vibrating for quite a while after that . Dad was very patient when I was learning to drive , though he did say I was only a paint layer away from that bus on the hill . We started out in Highline High parking lot after school , there were sports games going on so I soon had an opportunity to drive opposite other cars . I finally graduated and he said it was time for me to be on the road . So I drove us home . When it came to parallel parking , he put two of the four cars along the driveway so I could practice . it never has been my strong suit , though more often than not I surprise myself and put it in the slot the first time . When it came time for my younger sister Candy to learn , he told her to learn at school . After teaching Mom , Ellen and me , he had done his job . Do you suppose it was teaching me and the bus incident that made him decide ? When I was growing up , I used to help him in the garage when he was fixing cars . Not that I did all that much , but I did learn things from him . I also helped him fiberglass the outside of the wood hulled 18 ′ Mukilteo hull he and Mom bought for family outings . ( That was a story in itself ) . We put the fiberglass cloth onto the hull , then there was the resin we painted on the cloth . I remember painting over Dad 's hand at one point , we both laughed and continued on with the job . He didn 't get upset if things didn 't go perfectly the first time , he was patient and had fun with it . Dad loved to talk ; we had lots of conversations about a lot of things . He told stories of growing up and some of the things he did before he met Mom . A lot of times it was about people he knew , family stories and what Mom and Dad were doing in the business . He would strike up conversations with strangers - Mom said he could be at the Grand Canyon and find someone to talk to about things in common . That actually happened . He enjoyed people and treated everyone the same . I tend to take after him . Eddie and I were in the grocery while living in Torrance one day . I went over to the produce department for something and heard a couple by the lettuce . They were commenting it didn 't look all that well . I said " Excuse me , there is a Japanese vegetable stand just down on PCH and they have wonderful stuff . And they don 't charge an arm and a leg . " They were very appreciative and thanked me ; I left to go back to Eddie . When I came back , Eddie asked me " Who was that couple ? " . I told him " I don 't know . " His comment was " You are definitely Sam Paull 's daughter " . What is amazing is that my husband , who didn 't talk to strangers because he was brought up not to talk to people he hadn 't been introduced to , now after 45 years of the Paull family strikes up conversations with strangers . Not to the point my Dad did , but he has definitely come a long way . He and my Dad had a lot of fun together watching baseball , taking planes , cars and all kinds of things . It was fun to come here and visit , the four of us would go off on adventures and have just as much fun at home . We did the same thing when they came to visit us in some of the places we lived . As the years went on his hearing got worse and he struggled to find hearing aids that worked but didn 't buzz or send out a high - pitched sound when it wasn 't quite working right . He had trouble hearing the tv , so it was loud when he watched and he was frustrated at not hearing conversations well . He seemed a bit vague at times , but Mom told me he was sharp when it came to the business and working with the wood . I remember one visit was an old man living here - wondered where this old man came from . I realized it was my Dad , but he was in his 80 's at that point and not surprising in some ways . But it came as a shock to me - I always think of my parents in their 50 ′ or 60 's , not old people . I was up visiting on my annual summer visit and Dad took me to the transit Center to pick up a bus to the airport . I was going to rent a car while I was there . I remember he said " You mother is a wonderful woman " as I was getting out of the car . I didn 't know that was the last time we talked together . I rented the car and did the stuff I wanted to do and then came back here . There was a note on the back door from Delores next door - I was to go next door as soon as I came home . She much have seen me come home because she came over before I could do anything . She told me they had taken Dad to the ER with a heart attack . He and Bob had been talking while weeding the garden . When Bob made a comment , he didn 't receive an answer from Dad , so he went to where Dad was weeding . Bob found him slumped over in the flowerbed - he called Mom and they called 911 . I went to the ER with Delores and found Mom and Bob with Dad . He had been resuscitated but they didn 't know how long he had been unconscious . They put him on life support and I will be grateful the hospital never gave us hope he would recover . It was a strange time because our niece Sandra was due that night to visit and I had to call Ellen and Candy to let them know what happened . They flew out and I seem to remember making several trips to the airport to pick people up . The one thing about Sandra being there was I couldn 't focus on myself , I needed to be there for her and that was a plus . After they did all theists over 72 hours , they decided to pull the plug - Dad would not want to be on life support . We decided to have an open house as a celebration of his life ; we invited Mom 's friends , business friends , neighbors and other people who knew him . Dad was so loved by people , I think he would have been surprised to hear the wonderful things that were said about him . Mom and Dad had a very small wedding , they were married on the red rug in Grandfather 's house . It was quite a change for my Mom , she had grown up in a small town with family all around ; in California it was just Dad 's family . In the beginning they had a small apartment on the beach in Redondo - a one room where they were on the beach as they came out the door . Dad was never drafted , though Mom told me once they sweated it out every time . Dad was working for North American as a Field Service Rep - when there was a problem with a plane , he was there to fix it . He was sent to three different bases and Mom went with him . They were married on January 16th right after Pearl Harbor and after a few months , he had to drive to Meridian , Miss . - not the garden spot of the world . A year later , my older sister Ellen was born . Throughout the war they lived in Albany , Georgia and Newburn , North Carolina as well . They rented houses and all that traveling back and forth to California with a new baby wasn 't easy . I remember Mom talking about taking the train and the three of them sleeping in a berth . I remember Mom saying in later years , it took all of her courage to fly out to California to marry Dad . In a way , I understand a bit because when I went out to Australia to marry Eddie , I was very young - I certainly grew up in a hurry . There was a time when Dad had to leave and he had to teach Mom how to drive so she could use the car . I think that was why Mom never liked driving , but she did it . When they went to the DMV office , it was raining and the examiner asked Mom who taught her to drive . She said , " My husband " . Then he asked Dad , how does she drive ? He said she does well . The examiner looked at mom and said " Lady , if your husband thinks you can drive , you have a license " . The day Dad left , he went by train and Mom drove out of the station with Ellen and found herself in the middle of a parade . Maybe another reason she didn 't like driving . She did have a chance to take the train to Glastonbury to visit her family - Ellen was the first grandchild and I think Mom was glad to show her to her family as well as have a lovely visit . I think she missed them a whole lot , but she loved Dad more . I remember she talked about one of the rental houses that had chickens running underneath the house - guess one don 't have a lot of choice during wartime . Some of the North American people weren 't all that welcome either . After the war , they moved back to Southern California and eventually rented a two bedroom house in Manhattan Beach . No , it wasn 't on the ocean , it was way back from the beach . I was always surprised to find that all three of us girls were born in San Pedro Hospital , especially with all the traveling during the war . I came along 4 years after Ellen , so the Manhattan Beach house is what I first remember . 6 years later Candy arrived , then 18 months later Dad got a job with Boeing . He had taken us up here on vacation and he and Mom liked it so much , they decided to live here . Dad 's brother - in - law helped him with job at Boeing - though until they figured out they thought Dad was his father , he had a hard time getting hired . So in 1954 we moved to Seattle , spending the first year and a half in a rental in the Central District while they looked for a house . He wanted a view , Mom wanted four bedrooms and it took a while before they found this house . About June 1955 we moved in and they have lived here ever since . Dad worked for Boeing as a Job Analyst until August of 1970 - they told him could take early retirement or no longer have a job . this was the time the billboard went up about the last person out of town , please turn off the lights . His job ended the end of December , but with four months notice , they had a little time to plan . They went into business with another analyst who worked in Dad 's office - he was the salesman and Dad was the craftsman . They started out with the hobby business making decoupage boards , but the bottom fell out of that a few months later . His partner knew someone in a marine shop and went to talk to the guy - they brought a binocular holder to him ; unfortunately it had too many doodads - the sailboaters wanted things plain . Plus they finished the items themselves , so Dad made them sanded and ready to be finished . At one point , his partner went to work for the University and then sudden ; y died , so Mom and Dad became partners . Dad was a lot happier working with wood ; almost back to building boats as he had in Wilmington , California . He and Mom worked together - the only times Mom didn 't was Monday mornings at Traveler 's Aid at the airport and when the hookers came on Thursday . Spending 24 hours a day together suited them and the business grew and thrived . They started out using mahogany and then some teak until it was all teak . They went to deliver on Fridays to several marine stores and they trusted Dad not to overload them with product . Mom kept the books and took care of orders and paperwork . On some of those delivers he would have someone ask if he could build something - that 's often how they started new products . along with the standard line , Dad did custom work - people either met him in a store , saw one of his products and took off the label or called him . He met a lot of people and made some unusual things - he always loved talking to people . He could talk to anyone very easily , didn 't matter who they were or what they did . My Dad was born on March 24th , 1914 in Buffalo , New York . His father was an interior decorator in Buffalo , using fine drapery , antiques and oriental carpet . He had a fairly wealthy clientele and after my Dad 's oldest sister was born , he and Aunt Elizabeth - Grandmother 's sister - bought a farm out in Orchard Park without telling my grandmother until it was a done deal . She was not happy moving out to a place with no electricity and running water while my grandfather went into the city every day . She had a lovely apartment in Buffalo and a new baby ; not the best time to go to a farm with no mod cons . However , she moved and eventually they finally had running water and electricity , but I don 't think it was easy for her . She had another daughter , then three miscarriages before my father made his appearance . From the stories I have heard over the years , Dad was Grandmother 's favorite and Emmie was Grandfather 's favorite - didn 't leave anyone to favor Ibbie , the oldest . They always said she was everyone 's favorite - didn 't quite compute for her . Around 1926 my grandmother went to Southern California to visit her brother Frank . He was living in Palos Verdes , a very wealthy community , building houses . She loved it out there - who wouldn 't with Buffalo weather - and wired Grandfather to come out to visit . Unfortunately he arrived on a very rainy day ; when it rains , it pours and doesn 't kid around about it . Not an auspicious start but he began to like it , so they decided to move there - Uncle Frank would build the houses and Grandfather would furnish them . They went back to Orchard Park , packed up the kids and Gertie who helped with the kids and set out in two cars to drive across the country . I wish I could remember the stories Dad told about that - he was about 12 or 13 - especially the one when Emmie almost drown . However , everyone made it to Palos Verdes and settled in . My Grandfather thought he was an investor , so he bought some houses on spec which also didn 't sit well with Grandmother . ( He had some quirks - that 's a whole other story ! ) . 1929 was not a good year for them , Grandfather lost the houses and the one where the family lived . It was an old Spanish style with creamy stucco and Spanish blue trim . She was upset about losing the house and moving to a much smaller house . Dad always said he would have survived the Depression better if he had been in Pasadena , a more established place . By then the older girls had gone to college and were about to be married . Dad didn 't go to college , he loved working with his hands and worked for a boat builder who was also a former ( I think former ) rum runner . He worked in aircraft at Douglas , North American , Lockheed - I didn 't realize they hire for a contract and then workers had to find another job . Dad enjoyed going out with his friend Jim Reed , plus he had a few somewhat disreputable ones . Dad always know what he wanted , knew right from wrong , so he was never influenced to get into trouble . I remember him telling about the time he and Jim rolled the car over on the sand and Jim hurt his arm . They hoped baking it in the sun would help , but it didn 't . They did get the car back right side up , but they were found out because Jim had to have his arm fixed . He did a lot of stuff with cars , he has always loved them and felt if he had been able to keep all the cars he had , he would have quite a collection . He never bought them new and fixed them himself . In his high school yearbook , the girls all wrote " To the Dancing Sheik " because they loved dancing with him . He said he had an easy style , not sure what that meant , but it worked well for him . From what he said , I don 't think he dated a lot - then again , does a father tell his daughter about romantic adventures ? I think he went to dances a lot and spent time with girls there . He drove his Mom crazy because when he was on the way out the door , she would ask " Where are you going ? " and his answer was " Out " . When she asked when he would be home , he said " About that time or a little after " . Funny , his sister Ibbie always said she knew everything he did , but said she didn 't know much . In 1941 , he went back to Connecticut to visit an uncle , stayed in Glastonbury and rented a room in a house near my Mom 's grandmother . He worked at Pratt & Whitney in East Hartford , so it wasn 't a long commute for him . At the time , I 'm not sure if he was engaged or engaged to engaged and drove quite a way to visit her . His landlady and Mom 's grandmother arranged a blind date for the two of them - Mom had spent a lot of time checking her grandmother 's flower garden so she knew what he looked like . No doubt it is obvious he was no longer interested in the other girl after meeting Mom . They dated and they always said neither asked the other to marry , it was understood . They went to Mom 's dad and said they wanted to get married . He told Dad , " Go back to California and establish yourself . Then , if in 3 moths you still feel the same , then it 's okay with me " . So Dad went back to California to establish himself and in December was Pearl Harbor . Mom 's family thought she was crazy to go there - the Japanese would invade and it was dangerous . Her Aunt Marian was the only one who encouraged her , so in early January , she flew from Connecticut to California to marry Dad . It 's the 1st week of March and the flowers are slowly blooming - won 't be Spring officially until about March 21st . Doesn 't seem to faze them about the hard rain and wind along with the cooler temperatures . I saw a few flowering fruit trees all in bloom , the crocuses have been up and blooming for a couple of weeks . Unfortunately it has rained so hard and for so long , the poor things are lying flat on the ground . They were lovely when they were upright - I didn 't get out to take pictures soon enough . I certainly can 't complain about the weather , I much prefer it to the white stuff and that seems to be happening over most of the country - all our rainstorms will turn into snow as they go over the Cascade mountains and head east . My concern is when the fruit trees blossom , if it rain and is too windy , all the blossoms are gone and we won 't have pears and apples . I do need to make sure there are fertilizer stakes for things this year - poor babies have been starved for the last 2 or 3 years . Now they are in full bud . I bought something for the cat garden - a cat of course . I checked Home Depot and they had a cat curled up asleep , I bought it and Eddie put it on the Fortinia stump so she can sleep in the sun . I must admit , I am sorry to see her in the rain , but she will be fine . I am also thinking about putting in some pieces of sea glass as decoration , or maybe as a small pond . Still deciding where and how to arrange it . Still not sure what to do about the other two beds , the rest of the yard is on its own for the moment . Most important right now is removing weeds . When I was on the duck tour , I saw a lot of houseboats and they intrigued me . I took some pictures and then looked on the web to find better pictures of some I saw . Most I have no idea what they are or who owns them , but found them very interesting . This photo of Ride the Ducks of Seattle is courtesy of TripAdvisor Someone has a paddle wheeler . Next to the white paddle wheeler is one that can be taken out on the water . There is a black box facing the paddle wheeler , right under the smaller window . That is where the steering helm is located . Last Monday my neighbor Delores asked if I would like to use her ticket to Ride The Duck . She had bought the ticket a while ago but when Bob went to the hospital the week before , she decided it was better to stay with him . I 've always wanted to do it , just never got around to it . It was with the Senior Center and there were about 11 of us . Nice size and we had others on the duck later . it was a clear sunny day , warm in the sun but a bit chilly in the wind . We all had jackets on and I was glad they had a blanket for our lap on the duck . We went along the waterfront and I learned a few things I didn 't know before . I saw the Victoria catamaran at the dock , I remember the regular boat - though this one takes only 2 hours . We went up to 1st Ave and he explained that the reason why the buildings are all brick was a result of the Great Fire . Yes , we had one too . A glue - pot tipped over and ignited the straw and that was the end of many of the buildings . so the city fathers declared buildings could only be made of non - flammable material . We went past Pioneer Square - it is more gentrified and the urban outdoorsmen have been encouraged to go other places ; then up to the SAM ( Seattle Art Museum ) and The Hammering Man . The only day he doesn 't hammer is Labor Day . Next area was Pike Place Market , then turned up Pike street and over to 6th past the Elephant Car Wash . It has been there since I can remember in the early 50 's when we moved here . It has probably been there longer than that . We turned down into part of Fremont on Stone Way and went down to the water . Our family 's landmark is Doc Freeman because to the right is where it used to be - they were very good customers of R & R Custom Wood . I remember going with Mom and Dad on Friday when they delivered . One day a guy came by and saw all the woodenware in the wagon and asked Dad if he could build a map rack for his large book of maps . Presto ! A new product . It happened more than once . We also went past Fishery 's Supply , another good customer . They bought things for their stores and mail order . Then down along Gasworks Park and just before Ivar 's is a boat launch ramp . Time to spend some time on the water . The driver had to change gears and slowly went into the water . The ramp and the entrance to the lake is lined with boats and boat houses . It was interesting to see that the houseboats were moored in between boats , plus all kinds of different boats . As we went out into the lake it definitely was windy and nippy , but the sun was so clear and bright . We went along Gasworks Park - interesting to see from the water . It used to power a lot of the City , then they closed it down , took out the important and dangerous parts , then fenced off the still dangerous areas and made it into a park . They often have fireworks off shore from there . We went along where we had driven and around by the old Doc Freeman 's , along to some other houseboats and I saw the mountains and the Aurora Bridge in the distance . Went over to the " Sleepless in Seattle " houseboat and he was saying there are only 500 allowed on the lake . They are expensive and there are some that are attached to the mooring , so they can 't be taken out on the water . We went near Queen Anne Hill and then came back to go up the ramp for the rest of the tour . He showed us some houseboats that run $ 1 million and up - not cheap to live on a houseboat . They may have dressed them for Mardi Gras . The baby has the face of a dog and the dog has the face of a baby . This is my favorite sculpture in the city . This didn 't end up the same way Gilligan 's 3 hour tour did . As we rode our bus to lunch , I was feeling sleepy - must be all that sunshine and fresh air . We ended going back to the center because the rest aunt wasn 't open for lunch - that was fine with me . I dozed as we went back to Burien , I had really enjoyed the trip ! I have been visiting Mom rather than visiting with her - I just noticed the difference this week . I have had trouble dealing with not understanding what she says and curbing my urge to ask what she means or to repeat it . My close friend Char told me recently she had visited her Mom and didn 't understand a word she said . So she asked her Mom " Does that make sense to you ? " Her Mom 's answer was " No " . I thought I would try it with Mom , though Mom 's answer was " Yes , it makes sense " . Mom is operating under a different form . What is interesting is that although the words are gibberish to me , Mom says it in a very conversational way - she knows what she is saying , I am the one who doesn 't understand . Two things she definitely understands are chocolate and cookies . I bring some with me every time I visit and she is delighted to have them . I have learned not to ask her if she enjoyed the chocolate or cookies after she has eaten them because she doesn 't remember she ate them . I have been nervous about what to say to Mom , but I am finding it a bit easier now because I realize I don 't have to know exactly what she is saying . I have been reading Candy 's new book to Mom recently , first time I have read it as well . I know Judy has told me Mom takes in things she hears and I am noticing that reading this book . Friday she made several comments as I read and at one point talked for a bit - not sure what she said , just asked " Is that so ? ' and Mom agreed . So it wasn 't necessary to know what she said , just to acknowledge and validate it . I can sometimes tell when she thinks something isn 't a good thing , mostly my her tone and sometimes a " shouldn 't or no that 's not good " comes across . Last Tuesday I took my iPad to play some of the songs she likes - except it once again gave me fits . Some days it works well and other days it looks so different and I am not quite sure what to do . I have begun to make a playlist for her so I will have the songs she likes , though I haven 't done too well with Bing Crosby so far . What will play on my desktop isn 't always available on the iPad . Now I have to figure out how to start the playlist . It 's an interesting process and I think I am more comfortable now - there are times when I feel at a loss , but I am doing my best . I haven 't told her about Barrie dying , don 't think it will really register and there isn 't anything she can do about it . I also haven 't said anything about our next door neighbor , he is having difficulty and two of the sons are there right now . We had gone to bed Wednesday night and I heard this thrum and flash of lights - the fire truck was there and I saw a fireman in their kitchen . Shortly after an ambulance came in , so I figured it was bad enough to take him to the hospital . He was back home the next morning bit they may have to have someone there for a while . I 'm sure Mom would be worried if she knew . I will admit I still have days when I don 't want to go visit Mom , so I make sure I have somewhere to go and do something entirely different after the visit . Plus , I don 't want Mom to feel she has been abandoned . When I come and she is very sleepy or having a nap because she had a bad night , I am almost glad we won 't have a visit . I think she is more aware of things than I realize , but I couldn 't say in what way . I think she still knows who I am at times , I am better at not taking it personally because it is part of dementia . Some of what is happening has to do with getting older , some from dementia - I am so grateful to Judy for helping me understand what 's happening with the things I don 't quite understand . Saturday morning I had a phone call to tell me Barrie had passed away the night before of a sudden heart attack . He has had heart trouble for several years and had a monitor implanted in his chest to warn when there is a problem . He will be sorely missed by friends , family , colleagues and clients . I first met Barrie through my parents - who met him through a neighbor . He was doing taxes for the Torstenbo 's and they recommended him to Mom and Dad when they needed someone . Mom said he used to come out to the house at that point , then later they went to his office . When Eddie and I decided we wanted to be in Seattle in the future , we started putting roots down here . We opened a savings account and started having Barrie do our taxes . It meant I had a trip to Seattle every February - Eddie was usually off traveling somewhere . We usually had federal tax , state tax depending on what state we lived and while we were in Virginia , we began to have a business tax return . It has been a whole lot easier to see Barrie to do the tax returns since we moved here ; often I had to go by myself and took Mom to do her taxes . Barrie was always able to help us through some of the confusing things that Uncle threw at us , though mostly we have had a very simple return . Seems a bit selfish to wonder if he had finished our tax stuff this week . I saw him Wednesday at Breakfast Club , he said he was still deciding about the business . He was his usual cheerful self , always found humor in the IRS and Uncle . Barrie is the one who invited me to be a member of Kent Breakfast Club 10 years ago . My first thought was " I can 't do that ! " , mainly because I had just recently moved back here and I was still trying to figure out what Promotional Marketing was . It was dropped in my lap and then suddenly to be asked to be part of the group was a bit overwhelming . But I did join and through the club I met the most remarkable , caring and enjoyable group of people . I gained experience , knowledge and confidence through the group - a soft place to fall . It is not the normal networking group - we don 't have high dues , requirements to bring referrals every week or have such a " Life is real , life is earnest " attitude . We are serious about business but we also have a good time laughing , learning about each other 's business and enjoying each other 's company . There have been a lot of family things come up over the last 10 years and it has been such a comfort to have Barrie 's advice and help . When things were happening with Mom and dementia , he helped us so much ; when Candy needed help , he was there for her . He was always there for my Mom and Dad when they started their custom wood business - he was a lot like my Dad , Barrie loved to talk and with the two of them it was always interesting . So glad Stan Torstenbo introduced Mom and Dad to Barrie , then we got to know him and had him do our taxes as well . He will be sorely missed by so many people who knew him . I am so sorry about Barrie 's passing . Please give my love and condolences to Lois . They were so happy together , I know it 's going to be very hard for her . I owe Barrie so much , especially being in this house , as it was he who had the idea in the first place . And he helped make it happen , and advised me when the financial difficulties began . He was such a wonderful man . Now Barrie will be on the other side , and Mom will have another familiar friend to greet her when she arrives . It is as if a whole world is disappearing as the generations pass . And I had expected Barrie would be with us for years and years . It 's another reminder that the only thing we can control is our response and our attitude toward what happens . It still isn 't real to me yet . I saw Brandy at the chiropractor 's this morning and she said it finally hit her Sunday night . I wonder about myself - it has been 13 years since my Dad died suddenly and it doesn 't seem strange to me he isn 't here - maybe I haven 't accepted it after all . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Posted on June 12 , 2014 by Geds If it wasn 't obvious before I think it should be obvious now : Pastor McPherson is a key player in this little story . He 's also the hardest character for me to approach again . I don 't really know what to do with him . Remember that this was supposed to be a story that I could sell as Christian fiction . It made sense , then , to make a pastor a central character in Nate 's quest . It 's also why Emma was kind of thinly fleshed out in my original conception . She was really just there as a vehicle to convince Nate to stay in Chauncey and meet Pastor McPherson . Pastors are an odd breed in the world I came from . They 're universally regarded as being better and smarter than pretty much everyone else by dint of the fact that they 're pastors . They 're touched by god , donchaknow ? So Pastor McPherson needed to be one of those guys . I also needed Pastor McPherson to be a father figure for Nate . I was an unapologetic disciple of John Eldredge and Wild at Heart at the time , so I was fascinated by the notion of boys with broken father relationships and god - as - father being better than father - as - father . Nate , then , has a broken relationship with his ( two ) father ( s ) and McPherson , then , steps in to play surrogate and first and then later point in the correct direction . So , in case you 're wondering , yes , in my original conception of the book Nate was a cipher , Emma was a plot device , and Pastor McPherson was actually Pastor Exposition . The plot was also lifted out of just about every Drew Barrymore rom - com ever . I give myself zero points for originality . The other thing here is that Pastor McPherson is a bit of an author self - insert . Well , he 's more of a wishful thinking author self - insert . At the time I wrote the book I was planning on going to seminary and becoming a pastor . McPherson was the pastor I wanted to be when I got done . He is wise , kind , patient , and really good at doing lots and lots of stuff . [ 1 ] There 's a reason why I look back at this book now and really , really like what I did . It 's not because I think it 's a particularly great piece of literature . It 's because I remember writing a kind of silly story with a cipher for a perspective character , a plot device for one of the mains , and a Mr Exposition for the other . Oh , and it was explicitly Christian with the intention of being the sort of thing that people would read and think , " Oh , hey , Christianity ! I should try that ! " The faults that I find in the book now are that I apparently didn 't realize that Nate was too smart to be a cipher , Emma was much stronger than a simple plot device / damsel in distress , and McPherson would work way better if I wasn 't writing him as the pinnacle of Mr Exposition . Part of the problem there , though , is that we see all of these things through Nate 's eyes . He doesn 't see McPherson when McPherson is having a bad day . He 's got an inkling that there 's a lot to Emma , but he 's been too self - absorbed just yet and won 't get the full - on realization until later . [ 2 ] Part of this was / is my own fault as a writer . I wrote Nate as a cipher . He was supposed to absorb Christianity for the audience and that was really the entirety of his purpose . I 've been trying to keep the original manuscript as much as possible while editing out the most egregious failures but that commitment is really leaving the scaffolding exposed . The biggest failure here is the weird little subplot with Rockafeller and Bill Pearson . I put Rockafeller in as a rather stupid plot device to solve two problems at once : Nate needed some sort of income and Nate needed someone to actually push back against . It seemed like a good idea at the time , I guess . So Rockafeller exists as kind of the anti - Nate : the big city guy who came to Chauncey against his will and didn 't want to stay . [ 3 ] He also ended up representing a very specific sort of Christian I wanted to take a shot at : the sort of backwards , judgmental Christian who doesn 't like anyone who 's different . He specifically dislikes Emma because of her background . So , weirdly , Rockafeller exists in this tension of both being the stereotype of the big city looking down its nose at flyover country and the embodiment of the rural , conservative values system railing against modernity . Either way , I 've changed very little of McPherson or his interactions with other characters so far . Part of that is because I 'm not sure I 'm capable of getting into the headspace I was in when I originally wrote the book and I don 't want to fuck too much of that up . I don 't want McPherson to have any guile . I want him to be that good . I do want to widen the space between " good " and " right , " however . At the tail - end of this chapter Nate begins to realize that McPherson has an agenda . In the original writing of the story Nate went along with the agenda because Nate was a cipher . McPherson 's agenda was the author 's agenda , after all . I think I 've finally hit a serious point of departure from the original book . I 've already spotted cracks in my original read on Emma . Nate 's about to come into his own , too . I 'm actually pretty excited to see how that will play out . [ 3 ] There 's a whole lot of unpacking I could do here . At the time I also wanted to leave Chicago because I thought that I 'd like myself more if I just went elsewhere . There 's also the general anti - New York bias of Chicagans at play . Emma spun the wheel and turned onto a gravel road about ten miles south of Chauncey . A car trailer she had borrowed from someone in town bounced along behind her truck , empty for the moment . Nate rode shotgun , staring off down the road , lost in thought . Nate turned around and stared at him in disbelief for a moment . He finally shrugged and shook his head . " I somehow should have suspected you would know how to fix cars . " " Did a tour of duty in the Navy working on jets , son . I also do all of the work on my own cars . I can fix anything . " Right after seeing the sign in the store on Monday Nate had called the number and talked to the owner . He found out the car was still available and that he could come see it right away . Emma had driven him out to the owner 's house . Tantalizing images of a pristine red Cadillac danced in front of his eyes the entire trip , as if the car had simply sat in Kansas , waiting for him to get in and drive it away . They 'd arrived at a large green and white farmhouse sitting across a well - manicured lawn from a massive barn and a pair of silos . It was the first truly stereotypically rural scene Nate had seen since arriving in town . The car 's owner was sitting on the porch waiting for them when the truck pulled in and had led them down to the barn . At his first sight of the car Nate 's heart sank . It was sitting in the back corner of the barn , partially submerged under a pile of hay . The owner , who identified himself as George , had led them around the dilapidated , rusted out mess . Several times during the tour Nate had looked over at Emma and found her face scrunched up in a look of disgust and confusion . She looked even more confused when Nate ran his hand over one of the fins , smiled and told George he 'd take it . Over glasses of lemonade up in the house Nate and George had agreed on a price . After writing a check for $ 1200 as a ten percent deposit , Nate had promised to come back for the car on Saturday . George told him that he would clean the car off as much as possible by then . Since then Nate had done as much as possible to prepare for the arrival of the car . He recruited McPherson to help in case moving the heavy vehicle required extra muscle . Most of his free time for the rest of the week was spent cleaning out the garage next to his rented house and assembling the tools he would need for the job . Emma 's Uncle Earl had apparently been quite handy and Nate was able to find jack stands , wrenches and almost everything else he would need for the task either in the garage or in the basement . Thoughts of the car had consumed him ever since Monday . When his television arrived on Wednesday he had barely noticed . That same day he had accepted Rockafeller 's job offer , but his first couple days went by in an almost complete blur . Fortunately he had not yet had to do anything more consequential than fill out paperwork . As the truck once again pulled up next to the farmhouse , Nate couldn 't contain his excitment . His dream was about to come true . Even having a lot of work ahead of him didn 't mar that thought too much . Really , in the end the car would mean more to him if he had to work for it . He couldn 't remember ever having to work for the things he had , anyway . Emma brought the truck to a stop and the front door of the house opened . George walked out , followed by a plump , round - faced woman . She smiled broadly at the occupants of the truck . Nate slid out of the truck and held his hand out . " Good to see you again , Mr . Lassiter , " George said , shaking the offered hand . He turned to Emma as she walked around the truck and nodded slightly . " Ms . Kent . " " I fully agree , " McPherson slapped the other man on the shoulder , " You 're a wise man , George . Wiser than I 'll ever be . " He started walking down toward the barn , leading the rest of the group . The pastor was the first to enter the cool , dark interior of the barn . He let out a long , low whistle as he did . As Nate walked in behind him the other man turned and smiled . " It 's a real beauty , Nate , " he said , smiling widely . " You 're kidding , right ? " Emma asked , coming to a stop between the two men . " This thing is a mess . I was kind of hoping you 'd mention that too him . " " Ah , " McPherson patted her on the shoulder , " That 's what you think . " He walked up to the car and ran his hand along the front quarter panel . " See , you look at this car and see a rusted out pile of junk that has seen better days . Nate and I look at this car and see that those better days still are yet to come . " " I don 't think you understand what a man sees when he looks at a car , " McPherson said , " Especially a car as rare and special as this one . " He reached the door and attempted to pull it open . It wouldn 't budge , so he contented himself with leaning through the open window to examine the dashboard . " A car like this is almost a spiritual thing , " he continued explaining , " It 's hard to explain to someone who doesn 't understand , but for those who do it doesn 't even need to be spoken . " " Exactly , " Nate added . He turned to Emma . " Just you wait . In almost no time this car will be bright and shining and you 'll see what we mean . " " Hey , can we get going with this ? " George asked , walking up to the car . " I 've got a lot of work to get done today . " George put the car into neutral and Nate joined McPherson at the back end . Grunting and straining , the three men worked the car out of the deep ruts in the dirt of the barn it had sunk into . The car obviously hadn 't moved in years . They finally got it rocking just enough to gain momentum and pushed it up and out of the holes . A little more grunting and cussing and the car was out of the barn and into the morning sunlight . Even after years of neglect the chrome of the bumpers and accents sparkled in the morning sun . " We 're going to have to put the rear wheels onto the trailer , " McPherson said , studying the flat tire , " So we 'll probably have to turn the car around . " He scanned the area in front of the barn for a moment . " There 's just not much space to turn the truck around with the car on the back . " " I had a buddy who paid his way through college driving tow trucks . I rode with him a few times and he taught me some tricks . " He scratched an imaginary itch on the back of his neck . " I never really thought I 'd be able to use them , though . " " You sure did come at the right time , " Deborah said . " We 've had a few problems this year . We weren 't sure how we were going to cover all the bills this month . " The pastor looked at him for a moment without speaking . Slowly , deliberately , he lifted his glass of lemonade and took a long swig . He put glass down and leaned forward . " Seems to me as though there are a lot of miracles around you right now , Nate , " he said , " They 're just not obvious unless you 're looking for them . " " Of course , " McPherson nodded , offering an understanding look . " We 've got to get the car back to the house , anyway . I told my wife I 'd be back home before noon . " Nate silently finished writing the check and handed it to George . Everyone stood awkwardly and headed to the front door . George and Deborah walked them out to the porch , but didn 't step into the yard as Nate , Emma and the pastor walked down to the truck . " I 'll see you tomorrow , then . " McPherson got into his car and started to pull out of the driveway . At the end he stopped and stuck his head out the window . " Oh , Nate , one more thing , " he yelled . " I 'll keep my eyes open , then , " Nate shook his head . " Now get out of here . I think I hear your wife calling . " Laughing , the pastor pulled his head back into the car and sped off in a cloud of dust and gravel . Nate again found himself alone with Emma . This time it was different , somehow . With the Cadillac he now felt like he had put down roots , no matter how tenuous and fragile . They stood in silence for long moments . Finally tired of the quiet , Nate turned to Emma . " He 's not going to hold anything against me , is he ? " " You 've been excited about that car all week . Now it 's here and you want to go watch baseball . " She shrugged . " It just seems odd , that 's all . " Emma stayed until ten o ' clock that night . When she left it was with a promise from Nate that he would be ready for church the next morning . He was standing on the porch at 9 : 15 the next morning when her truck pulled into the driveway . " Hey . I was just making conversation , " he tried to sound hurt and started rubbing his shoulder for effect . " Besides , you were making fun of me . " She swung the truck into the Chauncey Bible Church parking lot , effectively cutting off all further conversation . After parking , she led him through the back door of the church again . Instead of the sounds of praise music , they were greeted by muffled conversation from the sanctuary . The first person Nate saw as they entered the main sanctuary was George . A flash of recognition crossed the other man 's face as he saw Nate . George touched the shoulder of the woman to his right and Nate realized it was Deborah . The couple cut off their conversation and made their way across the room to where Nate and Emma were standing . Nate stuck out his own hand and the two men shook firmly . " Good to see you , too . " He turned to Deborah , " And you , also . " " Of course , " Nate replied . He paused for a second , then decided it would be best to say what was on his mind . " Look , George … about what I said yesterday … " George put his hand on Nate 's shoulder and smiled . " Way I see it , just because you don 't believe that the good Lord provides , that doesn 't mean He doesn 't . You may think it 's silly , but I believe that you came along and bought that car because God knew I needed the money . " Pastor McPherson stepped up onto the stage , ending any thought Nate had of responding . " Welcome , everyone , " he said , his voice booming throughout the room . " Please have a seat and we can begin offering worship to the Lord . " The band had assembled on stage and began playing a worship song as Nate settled into a spot between Emma and George . He gamely attempted to sing along , but soon decided he was terribly off - key and stopped . Embarrassed , he looked at Emma out of the corner of his eye to see if she had noticed . She noticed he was looking at her and offered a reassuring smile . " You 're doing fine , " she whispered , patting him on the shoulder . He smiled back , but remained silent . The singing eventually stopped and Pastor McPherson mounted the steps to the stage . Nate tuned him out as he called the children forward , then remained disconnected for the rest of the service . He found his own problems far more absorbing than church , and having a good relationship with the pastor didn 't seem to change that fact . When McPherson offered the benediction , Nate realized he hadn 't really heard a single word . He wondered if the pastor would feel offended , then realized there was no way he would find out . Emma turned and led him out of the aisle and toward the back door of the church . She pushed open the door and Nate was nearly blinded by the sunlight that came streaming in . They stepped outside and Nate found himself standing in the middle of the church potluck . He heard the sound of a car starting in the parking lot and knew it was Rockafeller 's Lincoln . Shaking his head at the thought of the man 's behavior , Nate sat down in a nearby chair . Nate turned and found Bill Pearson staring down at him . " It 's not bad . I haven 't really done enough to decide if I like it or not . " Bill shrugged , " She 's usually right about these things . " He lowered his voice conspiratorially . " One day when you 're married , you 'll understand how it works . If the wife says something , it 's just best to agree and move on . " " Ah . " Nate shook his head in amusement . " To answer your question , no . No I don 't have any idea why the boss would seem to like me so much . " " Gotcha . " Nate leaned back and thought about the question . " You know what it could be , " he said after a little bit , " This might be a bit off , but it 's the best I can do . " Bill walked off , leaving Nate to his thoughts . He wasn 't alone for very long when Emma appeared and took the empty seat . " How are you doing ? " she asked . " Yeah . I never did anything about my mail service . I 've been gone for two weeks now , and I 'd be willing to bet it 's a problem . " They walked back to the truck and then drove to the house in silence . Emma seemed to start to speak several times , but stopped before any words came . Nate sensed she had something important to say , but had no idea what it was . He slid out of the truck and closed the door . She put it in gear and disappeared down Leonard Road . Nate hopped up onto the porch and opened the front door . Molly squeezed around him and outside before he even had it fully open . " Wanna help me work on the car ? " he asked . She leaped off the porch and out into the driveway in response . He shrugged . " I 'll take that as a ' yes . ' " He stepped off the porch and walked to the garage . The Cadillac sat inside the open door in exactly the same condition as when it arrived the day before . Very little of the original paint remained . What was left was often accompanied by a ding , dent or rust patch . Hay and dirt from the pile under which it had resided for years covered the floor and back seat . Popping the hood he found the engine was also quite far from clean . Old , burned oil and grime covered the compartment , which also had its fair share of hay and dirt . " This is going to take some work , " he told Molly . " A lot of work . " The dog snorted at the thought and went to lie in the grass next to the garage . Deciding he would need some extra motivation , Nate walked back into the house and turned on the stereo . After pointing the speakers out the window he returned to the garage . A pair of old leather work gloves sat on the hand - made work bench at the back of the small building . Pulling them on , Nate set to work cleaning out the interior of the car . " I talked to George today . He told me he was asking for less than half of what you paid him . Said you wouldn 't let him sell you the car for less than twelve grand . Why is that ? " Nate shrugged . " It was worth a lot more than he was asking . I didn 't want to cheat him simply because he didn 't realize what kind of car this is . " " This , " Nate leaned up against the rider 's side door and patted the roof , " Is a not a 1958 Cadillac like George said . It 's a 1957 Cadillac Eldorado Brougham . " He looked expectantly at the pastor , but got only a blank stare in response . " There were only four hundred of these cars built , " Nate continued , " All of them were hand - made in the main Cadillac plant . In 1957 they cost over thirteen thousand dollars , which was enough money to buy any two Cadillacs of another model . The company actually lost money with every one of these they sold , since they cost twenty thousand or so to build . " " Yeah . He lives about twenty minutes away from my parents . He never got married and never had kids of his own , so he kind of adopted me . We used to go to White Sox games and car shows and everything else . Really , I think I owe a lot more of my desires and plans to Uncle Joe than I do to my dad . " " We did . It kind of bugged my dad , actually , " Nate sighed and pulled his head out of the engine . " I didn 't realize it at the time , but I think I really hurt my dad the day I told him I wanted to be like Uncle Joe when I grew up . " Nate tried to find a good way of phrasing his response and realized he couldn 't . " Because it was true , " he finally said , knowing it didn 't sound good . " And , " he continued , " I think I wanted to hurt my dad . I was old enough by then to know what it would take . " " Oh , yeah . I remember seeing the look in his eyes . It was like I had just punched him in the gut . And the worse thing is , " he paused , " It made me feel good . Can you believe that ? " " Like a jerk . My dad did so much for me , sacrificed everything to make sure I had a good life . I repaid him by being a spoiled , selfish brat . " " No , " Nate shook his head and suddenly found himself fighting back tears . " In fact , I 'm doing it again right now . Aren 't I ? " " Yeah . I have a very expensive education and I was supposed to get up in the world and make my father proud . I was going to get married and have kids and have the life he always wanted me to have . But now I 've run away . " McPherson considered the question for a long moment . " As you know , I 'm a father , " he finally said . " When my first daughter was born , I was as proud as any daddy could be . I wanted her to grow up and be something great . If she wasn 't going to be a doctor or an astronaut , I wanted her to be a great missionary or some other such wonderful thing . " I 'll be perfectly honest , I was disappointed the day she told me she wanted to be a kindergarten teacher . " He sighed . " It 's not an impressive job . When we have daddy meetings nobody looks at me in awe when I say my daughter wants to learn how to teach five year - olds to color . But she was twelve , so I figured in time she 'd come around and decide to go to medical school . That was six years ago . In the fall she 's going to college to major in elementary education . " " How could I be ? My dream for her is to grow up and be happy . If teaching kindergarten will make her happy , then I 'm thrilled for her . I 'm just fortunate I figured that out . " " My dad wanted me to be a doctor . I don 't think he ever understood that I joined the Navy because I felt I had to . He thought I did it for spite . But my dad didn 't have the money to send me to college . Sure , he would have done everything he could and broken his back to make it happen , but I didn 't want him to have to do that . So I joined the Navy and went to college and seminary . " " I like to hope he would be . My dad died while I was on deployment . I got the notification while under steam somewhere in the middle of the South China Sea . I never got to say goodbye and he never got to see what his son became . " He stopped speaking as tears wet the corners of his eyes . Nodding , Nate set his jaw in an attempt to avoid breaking into tears himself . " I won 't , " he said , voice barely above a whisper . " I won 't . " " Good , " McPherson said . He suddenly and abruptly changed the subject . " Now tell me something . What was it about your uncle that you wanted to emulate ? " " Everything , I guess , " Nate shrugged , assuming it was best to follow along , " He was just a lot more fun to be around than my father . Like the day I told my parents that I was going to start saving money to buy a car just like his . I was eight and thought I could do anything I wanted . My dad just laughed at me and told me I would be better off saving my money for college . " " Yeah , " Nate paused , smiling , " He told me to go for it . He told me to dream as big as I wanted and I 'd be able to succeed at anything . " He walked out of the garage and took the gloves off . " I guess that was why I wanted to be like Uncle Joe . " " He was one of those people who makes all their money doing investments . He had property and stocks and bonds and everything . I don 't think he ever had a job where he had to answer to anyone in his life . And I don 't think he ever had to worry about money , either . My dad , on the other hand , worked sixty hours a week for most of my childhood . When he wasn 't at work he usually didn 't have time to be with me , so it 's more like he worked one hundred and sixty hours . " " Said he had to get ahead in the world . His definition of getting ahead seemed to be having the money necessary to send his son to a good school and make it possible for his wife not to ever have to get a job . In the end , though , I think he hated his brother for all of his success . Even more for the fact that he never seemed to have to try to find it . " " I 've been busy . I wanted to be like Uncle Joe , but I was well on track towards being my father . " Nate stopped and locked eyes with McPherson . " That 's really why I left . I didn 't want to become that and I knew it was happening . " " You have screwed up everything you were working for in Chicago , " McPherson smiled warmly . " The only way to fix it is to go back home . " He paused , studying Nate with a knowing look in his eyes . " I don 't think you want to fix anything , though . " Nate thought for a long moment . " He taught me a lot about life and did what he thought was right . I honestly think he wanted to do more than he did , but in the end he just let life wear him down . I guess he could have been a better father , but he wasn 't a bad one . " " I know . I 'm just not sure what to say . I mean , he always had my best interests at heart , but he showed them in really bad ways , like squashing my dreams . " " You know , " McPherson grasped his right elbow with his left hand and rubbed his chin with the right , " I think your father had a problem that a lot of men have . See , every man was once a little boy who thought he could do anything he wanted . That little boy believes that he can take the world , bend it to his will and make it do what he wants . Then he grows up and discovers that the world is bigger than he ever imagined and that it is a hard , cruel place that doesn 't really care if he lives or dies , if he succeeds or fails . I honestly don 't believe a father can ever properly prepare his son for the real world , because somewhere inside of a man who knows how hard it is to simply survive there is a little boy who still wants to conquer the world . " " Really ? " McPherson took a slow walk around the Cadillac . He stopped to rub at a spot on the driver 's side door , then straightened up and nodded at the car . " If you do a good job of restoring this car it will be really nice . It will be something that fulfills a dream you 've had since you were a small child . But in the end it will still be a car . It 's just metal and leather and glass . The joy you felt when you found it , the joy you will undoubtedly feel the first time you take it for a drive , that will fade over time and it will just be a car , not so different from that Acura you 've got out in the driveway . " " No , " the pastor shook his head . " I just want you to realize that there 's more to life than cars . Your uncle could probably tell you exactly that . " Nate turned away . " I can 't make a decision like that right now . I just decided to take control of my own life and I 'm not about to hand it over . " " That 's a hard thing to do , I agree . I believe it 's also something we can talk about when you 're ready . In the meantime , " he slapped the roof of the car , " I believe we have some work to do . " The next morning Nate walked through the front door of Chauncey Bible Church . He heard the sound of a hammer emanating from the sanctuary and followed the noise . He found Pastor McPherson on the stage pounding away at something on the floor . " I worked as a manager at a corporate headquarters for a large bank . I still lived a few miles away from where I grew up , so I knew my way around . Most of the people I grew up around were still there , so I had a lot of friends and acquaintances . " " I met Julia about three years ago at a party for a mutual friend of ours . We talked for a while , but nothing really seemed to happen . I thought she was gorgeous , but didn 't tell her . I didn 't want to come on too strong , you know . " " It seemed like the right thing to do . I mean , she 's attractive , intelligent , very good at what she does and we got along very well together . How could I pass up an opportunity like that ? " Nate 's mouth opened , then closed quickly . He stared at the floor for several long heartbeats , completely unable to come up with an answer . " I guess I can 't tell you anything about that , " he finally admitted , " It 's so unlike me . I don 't think anybody else saw it coming . For that matter , I didn 't see it coming . " " A combination of things , I guess . I was working six - day weeks . Whenever I tried to take a Saturday off I 'd invariably be called into the office to deal with something . If I had proposed to Julia I would have had to give up Molly , " Nate paused as the pastor lifted an inquisitive eyebrow , " Molly 's my dog . I 've had her since she was a puppy . Julia 's allergic to dogs , though . " " A 1958 Cadillac Eldorado . There was one advertised that I found just a few miles from my house . But Julia didn 't think I needed to waste my money on something silly like that , so I figured if I was going to propose , I probably shouldn 't get the car . " Nate frowned . " I don 't really think she is . She 's about as pragmatic as I am , so to her buying a fifty year old car didn 't make any sense . I fully understand that . " The pastor shrugged , " I don 't know . It 's like I said . If you spend all your time thinking about why you should or shouldn 't do something , you 'll miss out on life . " " You 're not on your own . I just can 't make your decision for you . You need to be a man and take responsibility for your actions . " McPherson smiled . " I am a father . We all get a book of parenting catch phrases to use when our first child is born . It covers any and all situations . " " Well , he 's a patent attorney . He 's actually very successful and worked for the same company for nearly forty years . He married my mother when they were both twenty - three and I was born a few years later . " Nate realized something he hadn 't given much thought to and decided to add it in . " I got my pragmatism from him , I suppose . He never made a decision without thinking it through long and hard , and never let me do anything different , either . " " He was a good provider , " Nate shrugged . " His goal in life was to retire early and enjoy ' the good life , ' as he called it . About a year ago he did exactly that . Of course that meant he spent a lot of time at the office , but he still tried to teach me about life when he wasn 't at work . Overall I 'd say he was a pretty good father . Why do you ask ? " McPherson tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling for a moment . " One of the hardest things about growing up and being a man , " he said slowly , carefully , " Is knowing which signals to take from our fathers . A boy learns how to be a man from his father , so if the father 's definition of being a man is to work all the time , his son will tend to believe the same thing . Having a job and working every day of the week is not the true definition of manhood , however . " " Maybe not . I was simply explaining that as an example . It 's one that I have seen all too often in my life , so it 's the easiest to explain . " The pastor turned and looked at Nate . " A real man ? A real man is someone who provides for his family and puts food on the table . But he does so with the knowledge that his chief responsibility is to raise and teach his children about life and to love and cherish his wife , assuming he does have a family . " " Hey , " McPherson held his hand up , " You asked me what it means to be a man . I was simply giving you my thoughts . I can 't tell you about your father because I don 't know him and I wasn 't there when you were growing up . " " In ancient Israel it was a father 's job to instruct his son in the Torah , " the pastor said , " In learning from the holy book the boy learned morals and decency . When it was time for the boy to learn a trade he often learned from his father , working as an apprentice . A young boy learned almost everything he needed to know about life , religion and work directly from his father . That is a tradition our own society does not have . " As he pulled into his driveway , Nate saw a vaguely familiar Lincoln sedan parked in front of the house . A man was stood on the porch , back turned to him . Nate shut his car off and got out , figuring there was only one person that could be standing on the porch . The other man stepped off the porch and held out his hand . " Richard Rockafeller , " he said , confirming Nate 's suspicions . " Ruth Evans tells me you 're a banker from Chicago . " Nate thought about the proposition for a moment . " I 'm not sure , " he wavered slightly , but decided to be candid , " How long I 'm going to be here . I might leave again tomorrow . " The old banker laughed . " I used to say the same thing myself . Mabel , my wife , took it as a threat for the first twenty years or so , but she eventually realized I wasn 't going anywhere . " " I came from New York City , son . I met Mabel during the war and we got married as soon as I was cashiered . She wanted to live the simple life and I decided to go along with her . Always thought it would be temporary . " The older man started the car and pulled out of the driveway . He remained silent until they got to the end of Leonard Road . " So , what brings you here , anyway , Mr . Lassiter ? " he asked as the car turned onto Shackner . " I was successful at a young age . I was about to propose to my girlfriend , and would almost certainly have gotten a positive response . I had the future my mother and father worked hard to give me when I was growing up . " The car came to a stop in front of a brick building sitting on the north side of Main Street directly across the street from the restaurant where he had met Emma . A sign in front of the building proclaimed it housed the Chauncey National Bank , a name which Nate assumed was far more grandiose than the business inside deserved . Rockafeller shut the car off and the pair got out . They mounted the steps that led to the entrance and walked into the building . A thoroughly modern lobby greeted them , much to Nate 's surprise . To the left stood a counter with two teller stations , each equipped with what appeared to be a brand - new computer . On the other side of a tile walkway from the counter sat a pair of desks , each occupied by a banker busily working on a high - quality laptop . Three offices were behind the desks , separated from the main business floor by a glass partition . At the far end of the counter a hallway led to what Nate assumed was the vault and safety deposit boxes . Everything was well - lit and sparkling , giving the impression that the bank had been built shortly before his arrival in town . A head popped up over the top of the counter . Attached to it was a young woman , about eighteen or nineteen years of age . She , like the rest of the bank , appeared to be quite bright and cheery . " Yes , Mr . Rockafeller ? " she asked . " I 'd like you to meet someone , Michelle . " He turned to Nate . " This is Nate Lassiter . He 's considering taking the position of loan officer . " Rockafeller turned to the other two people in the room . " This is Bill Pearson , " he said , gesturing to the man at the desk on the left . " He 's my assistant manager and often fills in the role of personal banker . " " I see . " Rockafeller turned to the other desk . " And this is John Snyder . He 's the man you 'll be replacing if you choose to take the job . " The loan officer stood up slowly on creaking joints . It was immediately obvious to Nate why he was retiring , as there was almost no way he could be much younger than eighty . " Pleased to meet you . " The pair turned and walked out of the building . As they got back into the car the older man turned to Nate . " I 'm usually not this informal , " he said , " It 's just not every day a banker from Chicago shows up in town . I felt it would be best to take advantage of the situation . " " Good , then . " He started the car and pulled back onto Main Street . The made the drive back to the house in silence . Both men simply stared out the windshield , lost in their own thoughts . Rockafeller pulled the Lincoln around the truck and stopped . He put the car into park and looked over at his passenger . " Want a piece of advice , Mr . Lassiter ? " " Look , " Nate said , shaking his head , " Offering me a job is one thing , but I believe this is out of line . I left my girlfriend of two years back in Chicago less than a week ago . I still have the engagement ring I was going to give her in my car . Now is not the right time . " Shaking his head , Nate turned back to the house and stepped up onto the porch . He pulled the key from his pocket only to realize the door was standing open . Pulling the screen door open , he stepped inside . He stepped around the corner and found her lying on the couch . Molly lay on the floor in front of her , allowing Emma to lazily rub her back . The TV was on and tuned to a History Channel program . She swung her legs off the couch , narrowly avoiding kicking Molly in the process . Nate took the remote from her and sat down on the opposite side . He turned the sound system on , then turned to her with a shrug . " It 's going to be a lot cooler when the widescreen TV gets here . " Nate flipped through the channels until he found a movie they could both agree on . They sat in silence for a while , staring at the tiny picture accompanied by his massive speakers . When the first commercial break came , Emma turned and looked at him . Nate shrugged . " It was mostly a body language thing . He really seemed sure of himself when he told me to stay away from you . He said you were bad news , and I could tell from the way he said it that he really meant it . " " Yes . I suggested he not bring that topic of conversation up again any time soon . " He decided not to quibble over the actual state of his relationship with Julia . It was close enough to an engagement to let the comment slide . " That 's his way , though . Most people around here just let him get away with it . They figure there 's no point in starting a fuss . " " Eh , " she shrugged , " It goes back to my divorce . He took Charlie 's side and refused to believe I had a reason to do it . Funny thing was , Charlie didn 't want anybody to take his side . He knew it had to end . " " Most people don 't mind me , actually . It 's just that the ones who think I 'm no good are pretty vocal about it . And a lot of people kind of hold me at arms ' length because of that . It 's easier than getting into the middle of things , you know . " " Sometimes time and distance are all you can put between you and your problems , though . " He paused . " What 's the old saying , ' time heals all wounds ? ' " They got off the couch and headed into the kitchen . Emma started rummaging through his pantry , shaking her head in disappointment with what she found . She then turned to the refrigerator and opened it . Her expression indicated she was equally disgusted with what she found inside . " I suppose . " Nate walked back into the sitting room and turned off the television and sound system . He reached down and rubbed Molly between the ears . " I 'm going to be gone for a little while , girl . Be good . " Laughing , Emma walked around the truck and opened the door . He opened up his door and they both hopped up into the cab . The big pickup sped out of the driveway and they headed into town in silence . Nate stared out the window , still unsure of what to make of his new surroundings . He had so far only really met four new people in Chauncey , but he was beginning to feel he understood a little about the town . The one thing he definitely knew was that nothing around him ended up being as it seemed the first time he looked . More and more he found himself fascinated with the town and the people he had met so far . He wanted to know what caused Rockafeller to stay . He wanted to know what kept Emma from leaving . Somehow he thought that he could learn a lot about both of those questions from McPherson if he stayed . In some small corner of his mind Nate also thought McPherson might also be able to tell him why he was there , if he stuck around long enough . After only two short conversations Nate was convinced the man had a lot to teach . Whatever other conclusions he could draw about his reasons for leaving , Nate knew it meant he had a lot to learn . He looked over at Emma and wondered how much he could learn from her . She had seemed so strong , so confident that afternoon in the diner . Now he had seen some of her vulnerabilities . Maybe , he suddenly realized , she stayed in Chauncey for the same reasons she said he had left Chicago . Maybe she was just as scared of life as he was . Maybe he had run away from the things that scared him and she had simply hidden from her own fears . They got out of the truck and walked into the store . Nate had stopped in on his first night in town , but hadn 't stayed long , as he felt very uncomfortable in the alien environment . This time he wandered around the shelves for a few minutes and took in the building . It was smaller than the supermarkets he was used to and had a less varied stock , but it was otherwise very nice . Everything was clean , bright and well lit . The owners and employees obviously took pride in their environment . Pride and hard work appeared to be common themes in Chauncey . He was inspecting the produce in the back of the store when something caught his attention . A bulletin board labeled " Community News " hung on the wall . The bulletin board was covered with notices and little snippets from what appeared to be the local paper . In the middle of the board was a white piece of paper with the words " CAR FOR SALE , CLASSIC " written in bold across the top . Directly below those words was a picture of a 1958 Cadillac Eldorado convertible . Carefully , slowly , as if afraid that the sign were an apparition which would disappear if he got too close , Nate walked up to the board . The bottom of the piece of paper was separated into ten little strips with a phone number . Two slips were already gone , and Nate pulled one off with a sinking feeling that he was already too late . " I don 't know yet . Just hold on . " He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and walked towards the front door . Emma , confused , followed close behind .

I am so tired of being tired . I am tired of people and their lack of communication , especially with what I talked about yesterday . When I went to bed last night , Rory wanted to talk to me . He talks to me all day , but he has to wait until I came to bed to talk to me about a piece of mail that he put on my office chair , that he wanted me to handle . I did handle it , by putting it in the trash can . The envelope had to do with refinancing our mortgage , which we can 't do , as we are upside down . He knows this , but he keeps hoping that maybe something will change . He dreams and I have to be the responsible one and I am so tired of it . He also wanted to be praised for not putting things on a credit card during this past weekend , when he went to Palm Springs . I don 't praise , as I expect him to be responsible . I would praise if he did something that I felt deserved praise . I live with the drama king . When he closes cabinet doors , he has to slam the door . He has to do his blood sugar every day and every time he pokes his finger , he has to complain about how it hurts . I know it hurts , but it has to be done . He wants to be respected , but he doesn 't want to respect others . When the girls and I travel , we have very few problems and Rory has all sorts of problems . He wants someone to do everything for him and the girls and I are very independent . I am tired of the hurt in my knee , but there is nothing I can do with it . I am going to keep walking and doing my exercising . I got up this morning at 6 and I am enjoying the time I have for myself before I get Mari up to go walking . It is helping to write out what I deal with . Most times , I find if I get it out of my head and on to paper or computer , it really helps . My frustration is coming from my tiredness . I go to bed around 10 and get up at 6ish . I know I wake up at 2 and probably around 4ish and then around 5 : 30 . I used to take a nap after lunch and now I don 't get through the morning without a nap . This really affects my life . I know alot of this is my husband and his sleep apnea , Positive note : I did a career interest survey last night and it came back that I should be in the hotel industry . I am thinking concierge would be good ! I have been looking at personal assistant and caregiver . Personal assistant and caregiver are what I do right now . Working in the travel industry is what I have always wanted to do . Still need to get Mari through school . If I could figure out how and not stress myself out , I could work part time in a hotel , in order to get my foot in the door . Just a thought ! I need to make wise choices and not just leap ! How do you handle things when you cannot really communicate with your spouse ? Yesterday , I could tell the girls and my friends about the meet up group , but I could not really tell my husband . I also found out while he was gone that he is taking cash advances when he goes to the casino and I can 't say anything , because he will say I was snooping . He doesn 't want me to see what is on his credit cards and now I know why . Today , he has his car in for service and he wanted to put it on the joint account and not on his credit card , which is how I handle things like this . My frustration is that I can 't really talk to him . We have surface conversations and everything has to be his way . Tonight , Marissa had a relationship workshop through her Aspergers group . I know she really doesn 't want to go , but I paid for it and she is going . Normally , I would give in and say ok , but I paid for it and she is going . Mari and I go out to dinner while she is in the class . We went to a BBQ place that I found on the internet and had good reviews . It was good and we will go back . Huge portions though . The restaurant was in an area that brought back a lot of not so great memories from when my dad was in the last years of his life . I have dealt with some of these memories , but still the area brings me down . After dinner we went to Trader Joe 's and got stuff for dinner tomorrow night and then drove around and I took some pictures of the sunset . Came home and Rory came downstairs . He is uptight about the court case tomorrow . I am tired and headed for bed , so I can do my reading . As I said yesterday , I watched a program about a woman , who was 435 pounds and how she lost a lot of weight over a one year time frame . She set goals , but didn 't always stick to them . I have set goals and things have changed or other people have been involved in this goal and I have not been able to accomplish the goal . My self - confidence has also gotten in the way of establishing the goal . My self - confidence appears to have gotten in the way of many things . During the night , I had a dream that we were having construction work done on our house and my feelings about it . Construction work is change and I am so glad the construction is over for awhile . No plans in the future for construction in this house . I know the construction work was meaning change . It is so much more comfortable to stay put or is it ? I am finding things I enjoy doing and I do need to work on me . This is scary . I have actually set some goals . Starting in August , we are going to start walking two times around RSM Lake , which is 2 . 2 miles and in October we will walk Mission Viejo Lake one time a week , which is 3 miles . I will continue to do our other walking at the park . I am making a goal of being down 10 pounds by Christmas . I will hope for more , but at this point that is where I want to be . I know there needs to be other change , but for right now that is all I want to accomplish . This afternoon , as I was going through my emails , I came across one that about blew me away . I was kicked out of a meet up group for a question I asked . The question I asked was about food . We are going through a museum with a docent and the tour starts at 11 : 30 and ends at 2 : 30 . Those times are right around lunch hour and after last weekend , I learned I need to eat at regular times . I asked if I could eat a sandwich after we meet and before the tour time and the answer I got was that everyone is taking care of their own food . That answer did not really give me the answer I wanted , so I asked the question a different way and the next thing I knew , I was out of the group . I emailed the person and called the person and she got back to me and told me that she had had another member ask a lot of questions and she was starting to see a pattern . One question and she is starting to see a pattern . I am starting to see a pattern and that is someone has a problem with communication . I have decided if I have another problem with this group , I will leave the group . She did reinstate me . This is one subject that frustrates me to no end . Communication ! Give me all the information and people will not ask questions . She was stating that she gets 200 emails a day and she has to work . That is what you get when you are the organizer of a meetup group that has a lot of activities . She was also stating that my comment was going to 30 people and I said " OK " and that I was seeing all of the communication about paypal that she had with this one person . I have learned to go through my emails and edit them . I do not need to read every single email I get . Marissa was complaining tonight about having to go to group tomorrow night . I told her she is going , as I paid for this . The group is on relationship and dating and she says it is more on dating and she is not interested in dating . She wants all these things , but does not move forward . We seem to have this conversation many times . Good night , I am tired . Trudi Actually had a good night sleep . Woke up around six and decided to get up as Mari and I decided to walk the lake twice around . We got once around and Mari was having sore legs . Got breakfast from Starbuck 's and came home . It was nice not to have to make breakfast for Rory . Checked emails and then did laundry . I needed a nap , so I took one . After I took a nap , emptied the trash in the house , did vacuuming , watered the plants and checked our bank account . Filed some things that needed to be filed and then took some things over to the storage unit and ran some errands with Marissa . Marissa wants to get a bike , which is fine , but I hope we don 't just buy it and she does nothing with it . Rory came home right before we left . Put his dirty clothes in the garage for washing and then gave him the suitcases to put away . If I didn 't do it , I know they would sit in the living room for ever until he got around to doing it . Last night , I looked at a couple of credit cards that he does not want me to see and now I know why . When he goes to the casino , he is taking cash advances and not small ones . His dealing with finances drives me nuts and I don 't know how long I can handle it . Now I get time for myself with the computer to edit pictures and to write . Someone posted " what do I want to accomplish over the next 90 days " and I really don 't know . I take things one day at a time and I am content with that . Yes , I am working on my weight and yes , I am getting exercise . I have no goals for the next 90 days , I feel like I just exist . I am a " do " person and this bothers me , as having a goal , means I have something to do and I can check it off my list . Am I a failure , if I don 't have something to do or accomplish a goal ? No , but I feel like I am not worthy ! I ended up watching a program on the computer called " Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss " or something to that effect . The program made me cry and I don 't feel like I push myself enough . I am good enough and I am loved and I really need to believe it . Now how can I believe this . What goals can I set for myself . Had dinner and did some writing . Going to do my reading early , so I can watch the beginning of the new episode of what I watched this afternoon . Better get to it . Good Night , Trudi Actually slept in until 6 : 45 . I rarely do this when Rory is home and especially when he is stressed . Got up as Mari and I are walking every morning and I wanted to get my morning routine completed , before we went walking . I have hit my first goal of getting to 240 pounds , now I am starting on my second goal of getting to 235 . I also did some thinking about a goal statement and this is what I have come up with : I want to be healthy , be financially responsible , have a home base and be able to travel , explore , learn about history , do photography and write and make a living doing this . I also came to realize that I could be happy living where I am , if I was not living with Rory . I asked the girls how they would feel if we would stay here and Rory was not part of this household and they agreed . I have been trying to find a place where I am happy and I have been running away . I need to stop that and deal with what I have here . I find that when I focus on me and not on Rory , I am happier . One of my goals is to get Mari through school and stay put . I don 't want to put her through any more stress than she has at school . The condo we have lived in for the last 14 years , as of the end of this month , has never had a mantle over the fireplace . I got an estimate of what that is going to cost and I will have a mantle as of next Thursday . Met up with a friend for tea and we were talking about where she is going with her career . At this point , she has no job . One of the things she is looking at is being a personal assistant . I would love to do this job and in many ways I do this job right now . We were talking about her setting up her own business and doing this and possibly me doing this with her down line . This is another career possibility for me . Right now , I have enough on my plate . Came home to pick up Mari and went to run errands . Late afternoon is my favorite time of the day , as I get to write and edit pictures . Mari made dinner and I didn 't realize how relaxed I was getting , until Rory called . Stress came back in for a fePosted by Woke up about 3 and realized that Rory was not in bed . He was downstairs watching TV . He gets so stressed over this court case with Leah . I know he wants it over and so do I and I am thankful that we have a great attorney handling it , but I am going on with life and Rory is stuck in one place . Finally got up at 6 : 30 and got ready . Forgot to turn off the fan and turn on the coffee maker . Started to beat myself up over it and then questioned what I was doing . I turned off the fan and started the coffee maker when I got out of the shower . Rory is leaving this morning for Palm Springs to use up points and to hide away . Went walking with Mari 5 laps around the park , plus I lost another half pound . I keep focusing on what will happen when I get to a plateau . I want to lose this weight , but don 't believe I can do it . If I look at it over a period of a year - 70 pounds is 6 pounds per month . Yesterday , I said I need to set goals . I don 't set goals , because I don 't believe I can attain them or something gets in the way of attaining them , so I just take each day . Had breakfast and did house stuff . Rory wanted some help with something he could do for himself . Our attorney called and needed some things , which I sent him later in the morning . Of course , the part he needed , we didn 't have , because the bank never sent it to us . Of course , I had to handle it , because Rory was not here , but I would have had to handle it anyway , as I keep the records . I am tired of always being responsible , I want someone to take care of me , and I know in many ways that is not possible . Mari and I had this discussion the other day . This afternoon , the girls and I went out to run errands - Mari and I got hair trims and I got on Marissa 's case , because I know in a couple of weeks , she will need her bangs trimmed . Marissa got upset with me , because she felt , I had been getting on her case all day . She does dishes and I expect the counters to be cleaned off totally . Yes , there are certain things that stay on the counters , but she knows what needs to be puMade dinner with salmon , couscous and veges . Watching TV and working on my pictures . Talked to Rory regarding what was going on with our attorney . He wants to constantly be in control and I took control of this . I told him , he needed to do something on Monday . He is going to the dentist on Monday and he told me he would not be able to do what he needs to do . Sometimes you have to fight through the pain and stop making excuses . Tonight , I got worried about Mari as she was feeling lightheaded . I had this feeling she had had not enough protein and too much sugar . Made her a smoothie with a lot of protein and also a piece of cheese . That seemed to help . Need to close up the house and go to bed . Getting late for me . Going to enjoy the time while Rory is gone . Good Night , Trudi This morning , I woke up in a much better frame of mind . I really do want to set some goals for myself . I have set some spiritual goals , but have not got to the rest . I do read the Bible both in the morning and at night . I read Christian books , which I plan to continue to do and I will continue to listen to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram . When I am by myself in the car , I can listen to the CD 's . I have Living on the Edge on my laptop and I need to make time to listen to the daily message . Mari and I walked the lake this morning and did one lap , which is 1 . 1 miles and we decided it was getting too easy , so next time , we are going to do 2 laps and increase our park laps to 5 . I also increased some of my stretching exercises . I know where I want to get with weight and that is down about 70 pounds , but I don 't want to look at the whole thing right now . Right now , I want to get down below 240 pounds and then I will set another goal . I am being good with my food and I feel like I am on a roll right now , which is nice . I have been joining a number of meet up groups and I have been using the early hour as an excuse for why I would not go . Mari is not a morning person and I have used her as an excuse . There was something that one of the groups was doing that I really wanted to go to , so I asked Mari and she said yes . No more excuses ! I want to continue with my photography , exploring , people , travel , writing and learning . Mari and I went to San Gabriel Mission , so I could take some more pictures of the mission and finish my article on that mission . I am feeling more positive and not focusing on Rory , which is nice . Yes , he is still my frustration , but I am really trying to not let him get to me . Tonight , just hanging out , watching TV . Posted by I woke up this morning feeling very blah ! I am really trying to be good with my food and sticking with the food plan I have set up for myself , but I want to blow it and enjoy food . I am really not depriving myself of anything and enjoying what we are eating . I am just making my portions smaller . I have no trips to look forward to and really trying to work on what I have set up for myself of the travel , people , exploring , history , writing and photography . I have been trying to set aside time every day to do that and I have been accomplishing that . Housework bores me , but I know it needs to be done . Being responsible is boring , but I know I need to be . I have so much to be thankful for , so why am I so unhappy . Today , I am just having to sit with my feelings . I was reading in FB , a post from John Tesh and he states that " optimism is a belief that your future will turn out well " . He talks about if you are not optimistic , you need to work toward your goals . I need to set goals and work towards them . With my weight , one of my first goals is to get below 240 pounds , which means sticking to the food plan I have set up . Another of my goals is to stick to what I would like my life to look like in the future and that is to be able to travel , to write , to take pictures , to learn more about people and different areas . I need to have a goal setting session with myself . Pictures : To a better tomorrow . A friend of mine posted on FB , a YouTube video of Louis Armstrong 's " What a Beautiful World " . I need to remember that and how blessed I am to live in this " Beautiful World " . Good night , Trudi Lately many people have been pushing me to do things for me . That is very difficult for me to do , mainly because of self - esteem issues that I have been dealing with for a long time . I have been doing stretching exercises for quite some time and after we got back from the trip , I decided to go walking in the morning around our complex and not use the excuse that Mari would not get up in time or a friend wanted to go later . That was my first step and then Mari joined me . A neighbor told me about a park , which I already knew about that was not that far away and we started walking there . I knew we could walk RSM lake , but I used the excuse it was too far away and it would take too long , as it is 20 minutes away from our house . Excuses , excuses ! We did go out on Saturday and it was not that bad . Rory says he wants his breakfast around 7 and my going walking makes his breakfast late . I have gotten to the point of " too bad " . If he wants it earlier , then he can make it . That was the first step to a healthier me . Then I decided that after we got back from Paso Robles , I was going to work on losing weight . I had noticed that after we got back from Washington D . C . , my weight was down and I was eating similar to what we did at home and was just as active as we are at home . The same thing happened after we went to Paso Robles . I am using a similar menu , but working on the snacks I have in the morning and afternoon , plus watching the proportion size at dinner . I am really not cutting out some sweets I enjoy , but I may get to the point of trying healthier desserts . I have to thank a group of people who I have come to know on FB , known as Just Get Moving . We have been making or buying smoothies in the afternoon , which I like , as they are like milk shakes , which I love , especially when it is hot . We are using fresh fruits and vegetables and I am enjoying them . I have even bought sandals that are good for my feet . I am really enjoying this . One day at a time and one step at a time ! I am working in the afternoon on pictures and writing . I will go take pictures , when I need to , to go along with what I am writing . This is one way , I do not feel like I am running away . This afternoon , my errands included going to the car wash , the bank , Bev Mo , to get a cutter to open up a wine bottle , Mission Ranch Market to get fruit and vegetables and then to the cleaners . The girls went with me . Tonight we had a gumbo with chicken and sausange and rice and veges . Everyone liked it and I am starting to see my limit on eating . The girls of us got one cup of the soup . I have spent the rest of the night doing some typing on another blog I have going on the California missions . More pictures of the San Gabriel Mission Playhouse . I did enter a contest with these three pictures . Good night , Trudi Last night Marissa went out with a couple of friends and when she came home , she said that she was wiped out . The conversation she had had was rather intense and it covered some issues that I have wanted to discuss with her , but Marissa has a tendency to shut me out , when I talk to her about certain things . This got me going on how can we live our lives with a purpose , which is what I know the Lord would want us to do . Marissa has a tendency to focus on her dad and does not want to deal with herself . She is very fearful . Her usual routine in the morning , is to get up and take her shower and then come downstairs and have breakfast and then play on the computer and watch TV . This goes on all day . She has no idea of how to move forward . Today , I gave her a couple of ideas and we will see if she does it . Today , Mari and I were supposed to go to Temecula to go wine tasting , but it was cancelled and I was thankful , because I really wanted to stay home and work on photos and writing . I want to really focus my life on travel , people , photography and writing . I don 't want to run away from home , but be able to be home and be comfortable . Yes , I do want to get out and enjoy and explore , but be doing it for a reason and not just because I don 't want to stay home . This morning , as I was doing household chores , I was getting frustrated , because Rory was laying around doing nothing and the girls were watching TV and playing on the computers . I am now at 3 : 30 getting to do what I want on the computer . Yes , I did look at emails earlier . In many ways , I feel like I am not the important one and I am just there to do household stuff . I do not enjoy doing house stuff . After lunch , Marissa and I went out and ran errands and got a chance to talk . I am proud of her for doing what I asked her to do . Tonight she is exhausted , but I told her to take things one day at a time . Had dinner and really trying to stick to a healthy dinner of a protein , a carb and fresh vegetables . We are also trying to stick to correct portion sizes . Watched someGood night , Trudi Mari and I started the day by going out to Rancho Santa Margarita Lake to walk . Going around one lap is 1 . 1 miles . Lots of people out exercising , including high school young men running . Came home and made breakfast . Mari and I had picked up oatmeal from Starbucks . I lost 1 . 5 pounds yesterday . I know the first part of this , with the weight is going to be relatively easy . I want this weight to come off , but I have a tendency to do myself in . I was good this morning , with the oatmeal and the bacon and snack . Lunch I was good with and then came snack while we were out . I kept trying to go someplace other than what I said I was going to do . We did go to Jamba juice and I got a smoothie that had 170 calories . There was a frozen yogurt place next door called " Penguin 's " that I had not seen in a long time . I kept trying to convince Mari to go there , but she said " NO " . She was hungry for a smoothie and that is where we went . Marissa was getting frustrated this morning with things and her mood was driving me nuts . She was going out with a friend tonight , so I was happy about that . Mari and I were going up to San Gabriel Mission Playhouse to take pictures with a meet up group , I belong to . We were supposed to be there at 2 and we left about 1 . I needed to go to the bank and to the gas station . I really did not want to go today , but I had made the commitment to go , so we went . I really enjoyed yesterday with just the three of us and I wanted that for today , but Rory was home , so that was not going to happen . We finally got to the playhouse about 3 , thanks to traffic . There were people taking pictures all over the place . My lack of self - confidence was kicking in and I did not feel like I was as good as these other people . They had big cameras and tripods and all the other stuff . The architecture of the building was awesome and I enjoyed seeing the inside . I did take some pictures , but I felt like I kept getting in the way of everybody . I have been putting my cell phone on silent , when I get in the car , so I don 't have to talTravels with Gypsy Mom Mari and I drove back from Paso Robles yesterday . We stopped by Morro Bay and Morro Rock , where it was nice and cool . We stopped near The Madonna Inn for lunch , which we took on the road with us . We drove down Highway 1 . I always thought that Highway 1 went right along the coast . I was wrong - Highway 1 really gives you an idea of the differences in California . It shows you small town , our agricultural , the beauty of California and of course the ocean . When we got to the end of Highway 1 , we took Highway 101 , the rest of the way . We started hitting traffic and then merged on to the 405 freeway . What usually takes a little over an hour , when there is little traffic took us 3 hours . I have never seen traffic so bad , that early . Luckily Marissa made dinner for us , as I asked her to please make dinner , as I knew Mari and I would be in no shape to make dinner . Driving in traffic is exhausting . When we got home , dinner was made and Rory was watching an old movie downstairs . YUK ! Luckily , he went back upstairs and ate dinner . I just wanted some quiet . Got a great sleep . Got up this morning and started to get some things back to normal . My weight was down and Mari and I had decided to not walk . Interesting , how my weight goes down when we go on vacation . I probably eat more and I am just as active as when I am at home . Mainly doing house stuff today . Went to the store and I am going to start trying to buy ahead , instead of going to the store everyday . The girls and I cleaned out the refrigerator and freezer . Rory had to go to work today . I am learning that stress is affecting my weight . It is nice and peaceful today at home . I have been good with my food so far today . About 5 : 30 , we made dinner . We watched Ghost Adventures and then I started to watch The Dead Files , which I find interesting . I received a phone call from Valerie , who is my long time friend , telling me that the cancer had come back . She had breast cancer and then found out that the chemo had caused her heart issues and now the cancer has come back , in a different place . She is not ready to give up and the doctor is telling her that she has options . I am concerned about my friend , but I am not feeling anything , which is bothering me . Finished watching The Dead Files and then did some stuff on the computer . It was nice tonight , as I have talked to several people . Time to head for bed . Good night , Trudi Mari and I left for Paso Robles on July 17 , 2012 . Originally Marissa , Mari and I were going to do this trip , but then Marissa decided she didn 't want to go , so she is staying home with Rory . Chris , a friend of mine , heard what we were doing and was going to come with us , and then she decided not to go . I didn 't really need a nap yesterday morning , so we hit the road about 10 : 15 . We stopped at Whole Foods in the San Fernando Valley for lunch . It is surprising what we eat when we are traveling . Then we headed for La Purisima Mission . This mission is in an area that I had never been before . The country up here is beautiful . It is green and golden . Love to drive near the ocean . After the mission , we headed for Paso Robles . Mari and I travel very well together and like a lot of the same things . Last night , we went to a restaurant called " Artisan " , that had really good food . I am really enjoying , learning about wine and knowing what wine I want . Since we were in Paso Robles , which is wine country , I wanted a local wine . Today , we are headed for Mission San Luis Obispo , to meet a woman , who is on one of my photo groups . I am not sure what the rest of the day will bring , but we will see . One thing , I do not do when we travel , is to eat at the hotel , except for the Residence Inn . We are staying at a Courtyard and I want to try places , where local people go . Picture from yesterday : Mission San Luis Obispo was a small mission . We took some pictures and then we walked around the historic part of San Luis Obispo and saw the gum wall . We had lunch and then we headed back for Paso Robles . We decided to stop at some of the historic signs along the way . We found a cottage , but it was not open . In Atascadero , we found the administration building , with its beautiful top , but they were doing construction . I wanted to see the railroad station in Paso Robles , which we did and as we were driving back to the hotel , we saw a doe and her two babies . They ran across a residential street and then started up a major traffic street . They did Posted by I have always struggled with my weight and my self - esteem . I have tried weight loss programs and have lost the weight and then put it back on . I have been roughly the weight I am right now for a long period of time . Thanks to some people on Facebook , I have started back to walking and more focusing on me . What I would really like to do for a living and I have some time to work on it - travel , photography , people and writing . My weight is the next thing I have to work on and Mari is willing to work on this with me . We have to work on exercise and our portion size . I feel like I eat healthy , but I am not sure . Tomorrow , Mari and I leave on a road trip up to Paso Robles . We will start working on this , next Monday . Today is my anniversary and I really am not excited about it . Rory and I are going out to dinner . Please do not wish me Happy Anniversary ! Yes , I have been with him for 29 years , but this relationship is not really a relationship , just two people living together . We went to dinner and I tried to make conversation , but it was mainly surface conversation . I have better conversations with my friends and my daughters . The food was delicious , but I could hardly wait for the meal to be over . The waiter asked if we were going to do something special after dinner and I said " NO " . The waiter must have thought we were a little strange . We finally got to talking about his family and that became a conversation . I know his family now a lot more than he does . He is 62 and has not seen his mother or siblings since he was 19 . It was so nice to get home . I am excited about the changes I am going to make in my life . I know it is not going to be easy , but I am doing this for me . Day 25 pictures : Yesterday Mari and I went up to LA to The Getty Center as there was an exhibit that she wanted to see . Marissa is not thrilled with art , so she did not want to go and I could not tell Rory where we were going , as he would have wanted to come along and I did not want that . Rory used to work at The Getty Center and knows some of the guards . He always wants to introduce us to them and he always wants to do things as a family , but it ends up being totally his way . I did tell him last night and he was upset , but he got over it . He said he was going to take one of the girls and go and I told him , if they want to go . It was nice to just go and see one exhibit . I could totally take the time to read about the art work and not feel like I was rushing through something . There was another exhibit there , but we decided not to go . In all , it was a very enjoyable day . Today , is being a stay at home day . On the way home yesterday , we were talking and I was doing some thinking , while Mari was reading , that I really would like to combine my writing , photography , travel and interest in people together . I am going to take some writing workshops . I love hearing people 's stories and where they came from . The two articles that Mari was reading that I found interesting was about a woman who ended up marrying someone from England and all of the stuff they had to go through to get married . The other article was about a shoemaker / designer , whose family originally came from Cuba . He went back to Cuba to find his roots . I know I am going to learn to ask questions and listen more . My self confidence issues are raising their ugly head again . I am afraid to take these writing workshops . I already know I like to travel , I enjoy my photography and I love to talk to people . I am not sure about my writing , but we will see . I have two years to work on this and see where it goes , before Mari graduates . Input would be greatly appreciated . My other issue is my weight . When we came home from vacation , my weight was down and now that we have been home a Posted by I am loving the sandals as my knee does not hurt as much . Quiet morning , which is nice . Last night we had lightning , but I did not hear the thunder . Came down about 2 a . m . to check on Sweet Pea and she seemed to be doing fine . Found out this morning that Mari had checked on her as well , a little before I did . Mari and I decided not to walk , as we didn 't know if we were going to get any more rain . Marissa went to a movie with a friend . Rory went out for awhile . He went to the shoe place , I had gone to and the man could not help him , as he is too unstable in his walk . He did get his sandals at another store for a lot less money . God is in control . Mari and I are going wine tasting this afternoon with Chris . Picture from Day 22 : The wine tasting was ok , but it is someplace I would not go back to . I so much more enjoyed the winery on Saturday that we went to . It was interesting , because when we left to go run some errands before we met Chris , I felt depressed and I really did not know why . Ran my errands , dropped the groceries off at home and then went to meet Chris . It was so hot and humid . Went to the winery , took some pictures leading to the winery . The man directed us as to where to park and then we followed him back to where the wine tasting room was . It was behind a nice large house . The building where the tasting room was , was probably a studio apartment at one time . He directed us to sit out on the patio , so we found a shady place to sit . The white wine was good , but I did not enjoy the reds and he kept telling us they were award winning wines . We tried a port wine , which was good . I bought a white wine and the port . After we left there , we drove out to where the other winery was and showed Chris it and then we decided to go to dinner at a new place near us . It was really good . Came home , watched TV and then Rory came down and wanted to unload . It was talk about the same old thing . He needs to move on and not dwell on things . I came to bed early , which is nice . I am really trying to not get drawn into his complaining or his arguments . Time to wind down . Good night , Trudi Maybe I should say communication or lack there of ! Yesterday , I got some new sandals that have really helped my knew and my walking around . I was so excited , and as I said , it is surprising the little things that make me happy . Finding out that dish soap gets grease spots off of my tops and then the sandals , which is helping my knee . I wanted to share this with Rory , but then he turns around and decides he wants to get some sandals for the pool from the same store . The two pairs of sandals were not cheap and it was killing me to have him spend that much money on sandals that he was only going to use to go to the pool . I realize he wears a large shoe and it is hard to find shoes that fit him , but really expensive sandals to wear to the pool . Last night , as I was headed for bed I asked him why he had to get these sandals , just because I got some . He currently has sandals that he can wear , but he cannot fasten them because of his weight . He wants something that he can just slip into and I told him , he really needed flip flops . Oh no , he needs sandals . Then he asks me why was I asking him this , as I was coming to bed . Minor detail , it is ok , when he starts talking to me , as I am coming to bed . In the future , I will not be sharing things I am excited about with him . This is sad , that I cannot share something like that with my husband . He also could not understand why I spent so much money . He can go on trips and travel first class , but I can 't do expensive , when it affects health . He also wants to get two T - shirts for the pool from a magazine and he wants to get another beach towel , to use for the shower . I told hime he could get a bath sheet at Target and he was totally against that . He does not really go to our pool that often , as he does not like all the people and he complains about what people do to the jacuzzi . The girls and I are going wine tasting tomorrow at another winery in this area and then Mari and I are going to the Getty on Saturday . I am not telling him , as he used to work there and he would want to gPosted by Today has been a day of changes . Another not great night of sleep , but this time it was me . I felt like all I was doing was going to the bathroom , but maybe it was because of how much water I drank yesterday . Mari and I were supposed to go walking with a friend at the lake and she cancelled , as she was not feeling well . This is typical of this friend on some things . As it was getting close to 9 a . m . , we decided to not walk as well . Got things done around the house . Rory was supposed to go to work and that ended up canceling . My friend texted me and wanted to know if the girls and I wanted to go to lunch at a place she liked , as she was feeling better . We went to lunch and then ran some errands . I have been having problems with my knee and I have been wanting to find some sandals , but with some support . We had gone to Payless yesterday , but I could not find what I wanted . Today , we went into this other store and the prices almost did me in . I am glad I stayed . I got two pairs of sandals and the people who own the shop are like feet doctors . I have been wearing the sandals and my feet and knee are not bothering me as much . As several people have said , " I need to take care of me . " One of my other errands was to Petsmart to get food for Sweet Pea . Every time we go in to that store , we have to see the cats that are for adoption . I could be the cat lady , if I wasn 't careful . I love animals . I am just learning to roll with the punches . Picture for day 20 - new walking shoes for Mari The sandals I bought are awesome . I get so excited about little things . These shoes I feel are going to help my knee and feet . YEA ! I am not having as much pain in my knee or arch . We had dinner and watched TV . Talked to Rory and he heard from our attorney regarding the trust . I was really hoping that my step - mother - in - law would do what she was supposed to do , but no , as usual she is making it difficult . I am thankful we have enough money to get along . We will eventually get the money . Other than that we are having a nice relaxing night at home . Good night , Trudi This morning I did get out to do my walk . Going to be a warm day . Mainly a stay at home day , with the exception of a bunch of errands . Did not have the greatest of nights . Rory was complaining about the hamburger he had , that it was not cooked fully . Yesterday Rory had to go to the VA for an appointment regarding his knee . It was warm at the office and Rory does not drink much water . He had a chicken burrito for lunch with a whole bunch of salsa , plus a soda , which is dehydrating , plus he drinks about 3 cups of coffee every day , which is dehydrating . He had a beer and soda with dinner , more dehydrating . He was feeling nauseous and was having stomach cramps , which are more signs of dehydration . He was like this all night , so it did not make for a really good night . He does not like to drink regular water and only wants Perrier . I have made fruit water and he calls it " poison " . Major frustration for me ! Day 19 picture - Mystery woman on Angeleno Heights : Mari and I ran errands this afternoon . It was hot , the temperature was about 90 degrees . By the time we got back , both Mari and I were tired . Mari got some new walking shoes . Mari took a nap and I got some alone time in the living room , which was nice . Got some things accomplished , which I like . Had dinner and watched TV . Did some editing of pictures , which I enjoy . Rory came down for a little bit and watched TV with us . Sometimes the conversation we have with him , makes no sense . He so much lives in the past . Making some tea and going to do some reading . Quiet day today . Good Night Trudi ! At night , before I go to bed I read The Bible and two other books . I am currently reading " Waking the Dead " by John Eldredge and " the lost girls " by Jennifer Baggett , Holly C . Corbett and Amanda Pressner . In " Waking the Dead " the author talks about when it comes to the subject of loving others , you must know how to handle your own heart and you will know how to handle others . Mark 12 : 31 in the Bible urges us to love others as we love ourselves . Do I really love myself and if I don 't , how do I love other people . I love to do things for others . I am really trying to work on loving myself . I know I love my daughters ; in different ways , but it is hard for me to really be loving of others no matter what . It is easier to love Mari , than it is to love Marissa . If I don 't know people , it is difficult for me to get close and care about others . I can care about people on the surface . I know on the exterior , I am caring and I like to do things for others , but if people get uncomfortable for me or if things get too much at home , I back away and go into my shell . I care about Rory as a person , but in how he takes care of himself , he makes me angry . He went to the doctor 's today and he was told that possibly in five years he will not be walking . He really could do something about that , but I know he won 't . He won 't get out and exercise , he just likes to lay around and do nothing and that is not good for him . As everyone says , I need to take care of me . The other book , I am reading , called " the lost girls " brought up a subject about how much people have to work to succeed . A lot of companies expect you to work more than 8 hours a day and for me that is ridiculous . There is family time and work time , but I guess in this world , that does not exist . Why do things have to be over the top ? I know I used to not know the word " no " . My family and I suffered because of it . I got burnt out three years ago . There has to be moderation , even in order to succeed . " Slow down you move too fast " . I am more enjoying life now , than I did when I wMarissa wanted to go up to Los Angeles today and see the Sharon Tate house . Marissa loves movie history . We decided to go , but I also wanted to show her the Victorian homes in Angeleno Heights . We got lunch on the way and I mailed a letter for Rory . After we drove by , where the house used to be , we came down to Sunset Blvd and drove down Sunset , which was fun for Mari and me . Marissa was disappointed and I don 't know what she expected . After Angeleno Heights , we started home . I needed to get some things for dinner and so we stopped by Trader Joe 's . We also got a snack and then headed the rest of the way home . I need to go on line and find out if there is a way to find out where there is wall art in Los Angeles . Rory is complaining about dinner and that the hamburger was not well cooked . Minor detail he has been very uptight about a lot of things lately and he practically ate 1 / 2 of a container of salsa this afternoon with the Mexican food he got from Del Taco . I truly try to cook healthy . I will make him some tea in a few minutes . Good night , Trudi Today is mainly a stay at home day . Sunday is my day to get Rory 's and my laundry separated and started . The girls are supposed to do their own , but I usually end up doing theirs , so for right now , I have Mount Laundry . It actually feels good to stay home and get some house stuff done . I am tired of Rory wanting everything done for him . This morning , while I was taking my nap , he told the girls that I needed to get some gas station sandwiches for him . He was going out and I thought why can 't he get them . I will get him some the next time I go to the gas station . Went out to do errands by myself , which was nice . I like being able to get something done . I like exploring as well , but it is nice to have some quiet time to organize , edit pics and write . This afternoon I found that Rory had bought things that really did not need to get bought . He cannot stick to a list when he goes into a store . Yes , we will use them , but he was really going shopping for toiletries . Day 17 picture : For quite a while , I have been doing stretching exercises and after I got back from our trip , I starting walking laps around our condominium . I was always giving excuses for why I could not walk . It was too hot , I did not want to get up and get going early , etc . . . Finally I decided I had a flat surface around our complex and then someone suggested I go up to the park and walk , which I have started to do . Now I have talked Mari into going walking . I am now doing four laps in the morning and I am going to start doing four laps in the afternoon . My evening consisted of making dinner , watching TV and working more on my writing and editing pictures . There are some things that I learn that make me happy . When I cook , I sometimes get grease on whatever I am wearing . I decided to google this problem and found out that dish soap will get it out . I was so excited to find this out . I am going to try it out on two shirts I have . Hopefully it works ! Good night , Trudi I was thinking of getting up early and doing some writing , but I was tired from yesterday and it was just nice to stay in bed until about 6 : 45 . Got up and got going . Why does Rory have to tell me everything he is going to do and why do we have to go over and over the next couple of weeks ? Everytime we go out and do some exploring , I feel more peaceful and can put up with Rory more . Did my walking around the complex this morning . Texted Val to see when her MRI 's are and was surprised at how quickly she got back to me . She is a late sleeper usually , but I know she is dealing with some health issues . Trying a different schedule today , as I would like more time to do things I enjoy and not feel like I am constantly doing house stuff . I am debating about taking some writing classes , but am afraid to squelch this roll I am on . Again it is self - confidence and I feel like I get overwhelmed when I take classes and it would be one more thing for me to do . Day 16 pictures : Mari and I decided we were going to try a winery that is near us this afternoon . Got all the house stuff done and took my nap , had lunch and then Mari and I left about one to run an errand . After my nap , I saw that a friend of mine had posted a picture , so I texted her and asked her if she would like to go to a winery with us . She called me back and later she decided to go , even though she is not a big fan of wine . It was nice to see her , as we have not seen her in a while . We tasted about 5 wines and had some cheese and crackers . Bought a couple of wine bottles and then walked around and took some wine . I have been using my little camera a lot lately and I started feeling guilty , because I was not using by good camera . I know this should be about what I enjoy and it is about taking pictures . I felt so nice and calm at the winery , as it felt like we were out in the country . After we left there , we decided we were going to get some cupcakes . Rory had received a certified letter from a company that he had applied for a job back in 2007 . While we were out he called me and asked me if I would type a letter that he was still interested and I said sure , thinking that he would write the letter . Wrong ! It was easy to type the letter and I did it . He also got a text regarding work and Marissa had read it wrong , so I had to hurry home and read it . Luckily , I was sort of on my way home . He is getting more and more where I feel like his mother or maid and he wants everything done for him . This is getting really old . He wants to do nothing for himself or feels very insecure about doing anything for himself . Mari made dinner , which was good and then we spent the evening watching TV . Tired tonight , so I am going to do my reading and go to bed . Good night Trudi I am really trying to take care of me ! This morning I slept in until almost 7 , which was nice . I decided to take my walk at the park , which was nice . I love going walking first thing in the morning , when it is nice and cool . Came home and got breakfast . Mari starts back to school on August 27 . Rory was asking what Marissa was going to do and I told him at this point , I don 't know , she deals with a lot of fear . As with writing this blog or writing anything or starting anything , the first step is hard , but then it gets easier . She needs to take the first step . I asked her to do that and so far I have not heard anything . I asked Mari to plan this weekend and I asked her this morning , what she wanted to do and she wanted to go up to Echo Park and do one of the Secret Steps walk , which was fine with me . Road trip ! Let 's go ! We left about noon time and stopped to get a sandwich and then headed for LA . Found our start point and started the walk . This walk was near Echo Park Lake , which the City of Los Angeles is redoing and then it goes into Angelino Heights , which is an area with many Victorian homes . This happens to be my favorite type of architecture . I had a field day with taking pictures . A film company was doing some filming at a home that we were walking by . This walk took us two hours , then we started home in traffic . We stopped and got a muffin and a cold drink . A couple of things came to mind , while we were driving . I seem to do my best thinking in the car , first thing in the morning and in the shower . I came up with some ideas for my blog on back roads and I have decided that an RV is not for me . I still want to drive the country , but in a car and staying at extended stay hotels , which are less expensive . The other two things I need to work on over these next two years are how to get sponsored , if I want to do blogs , and what I really want to write on , in traveling the country . I also need to work on having more time to write . I need to spend less time on FB and emails and more time time writing , taking pictuI am getting more used to the recliner . Good night , Trudi A new day and we are having delivered a new couch and recliner . I need to move forward with my life and what I really want to do is travel , as I think you all know . I feel stifled with just staying home and being a caretaker . Mari has two years before she graduates from LCAD and I want to be here for her , so I need to make myself a plan over the next two years , so I can travel . At this point in time , I just want to travel the United States , maybe after that , I will have an interest in exploring other countries . I have a love for food and maybe I can learn how to cook more healthy . I need to be able to cook and not worry about what other people think about my cooking . I need to stop worrying about what other people think about what I do . I am being me ! Is this what God wants me to do , is my only question and that involves prayer . In regards to yesterday , I was very clear to Rory and I think he got the message , that I don 't enjoy entertaining and our house is too small for a whole bunch of people and he can 't always control the TV and the air conditioner . I know a couple of people that did not enjoy the movie he had on yesterday and I know several people were cold . He doesn 't think about what other people feel or think . Day 14 picture : We got the new furniture this afternoon . I was happy to have a couch and recliner back in the house , instead of sitting in the kitchen or on the floor . I really liked our old recliner , but I guess I will get used to the new recliner . This recliner was mostly bought for Rory , so that he can get out of the chair easier . I feel like most things lately are being bought for Rory . I like the color of the chair and recliner . I love the kitchen and our master bath and the new phone I feel like I could walk out of this house and leave most things . I feel like I am not worthy of nice things . I will be happy to not have the old couch , as it was beginning to look very dirty and old . Happy Fourth to all of my family and friends ! This morning , we are mainly spending at home . Rory invited a friend of his and his daughter and granddaughter over for the 4th , so they could go swimming , take some of our old furniture , have dinner and watch fireworks . Mari made cupcakes and brownies . I got watermelon and potato salad and Rory is ordering pizza and chicken . Our house is small and I really do not enjoy having other people over . I am going along with this and I told Rory , since he invited them over , he needs to handle the party . All he is doing is handling the pizza and chicken . He has no idea what else to do . The girls and I are going to a friend of mine 's and then we are going to the street fair in Mission Viejo . That is what I wanted to do . The girls and I will come back home for dinner and to watch fireworks from our patio . This friend is also taking our couch and recliner , as we are getting new furniture tomorrow . I don 't want to come off sounding like the bad guy , as they are taking the furniture , so it is only right to have them for dinner and let them use the pool , we just do not have enough seating for four more people . I also know that the girls and I will have to handle something that Rory wanted . OK , enough complaining . Day 13 pictures : I am so glad that the girls and I went to my friend 's . We never made it to the street fair , but that was fine . We had a good time and I saw Marissa actually relax , which was nice . At 5 : 30 , they were headed for the street fair and hang out to watch fireworks and we came home . Why did we have to come home ? They are in the living room watching TV with Rory , Marissa is in her room , Mari is in hers and I am in our room . There is no place for the three of us to sit and I really don 't want to watch what Rory is watching . I wish I could feel relaxed when I am around Rory . I think Rory 's friends granddaughter is glad that my girls came home . Rory 's friend 's daughter and boyfriend went out to the jacuzzi and Steve and Rory are downstairs talking . I am actually watching what I want , but I would rather be down in the living room , working on my computer and watching TV , but oh well . I have a tendency to be negative . I feel like I am always complaining . I feel like I am more positive when I am not around Rory , but the more I am around Rory , the more negative I become . Rory is a very negative person . I also have a tendency to feel guilty , when I am doing something I want to do and I think it may be something that God doesn 't want me to do . Tomorrow I am going to a friend 's for part of the 4th and then come home for the rest of the 4th . I am trying to be respectful of Rory , but I know if I stay here all day , I will end up being the servant and I will have to put up with the TV going all afternoon . I don 't know these people and they are really coming over to use the pool and move the furniture . Rory will just sit in the chair and watch TV and talk to Steve . The house got cleaned today , which I am thankful . This morning , I got some of my list done and then I needed to get to Target . I did talk to Kaiser regarding getting the girls health insurance and there will be no change until 2014 . I had my snack and tried to take a nap . Kaiser called to remind me to get my blood pressure checked and then Marissa woke me up and said Rory was screaming . I had to go up and see what was going on with him . He ran out of the medication he needed , so he used a spray that he knows causes him pain . I gave him some lotion and that calmed down the pain . He wanted me to get some Medicated Vaseline and Target did not have any . The pharmacist recommended I go to Sports Chalet , which I did and they had something that everyone said was good . He will complain because that is not what he wanted and I did not go to CVS . I do not like going to CVS and I was going to Target . I was told yesterday to take care of me and that is what I am trying to do . Why do I always have to be the responsible one , while Rory gets to go have his kind of fun ? I want to go out and travel and enjoy exploring , but I know there are responsibilities at home , such as Sweet Pea ? Am I worthy ? Day 12 picture : This afternoon after the cleaners left it was nPosted by This morning I did my stretching exercises and I have increased my laps to three . I was listening to " Living on the Edge " this morning and they were talking about stagnation . I realize I deal a lot with fear . I need to take steps of faith and I need to ask God where he wants me to take this step of faith . I have three things to do today , well now , four . One has been done and that is to get the oil changed in my car . I really don 't like to sit someplace for an hour , so Rory came down to get me and we went to get a new phone , as the phone upstairs is not working correctly . After being with him in the car for about an hour I was getting very uptight . As we were pulling out of the driveway of Big O , he was on the left and there was a person on the right , where Rory should have been and he said , can 't that person just wait for me . Rory was trying to be polite for me and be on the left side . Rory did get to go first . When we got to one signal , he was asking , why can 't the signal turn as there is nobody coming the other way . He has no patience , everything has to be done now . When we got to the phone place , the guy showed us the phones and Rory was going on and on about how the other phone doesn 't work and about not buying phones at Target . Then he was asking about how you can dial a number on the telephone and it can show on the computer . Both the sales guy and I were looking like " what " ! Rory has rules for everything . He would not back out , if someone was waiting to take his spot . Then we went to Starbuck 's and as he was going through the parking lot , he really wasn 't watching for people walking . He always has to be first . By that point , I had about had it and this was only an hour . We headed back to Big O and I got my car and came home . I deal a lot with fear and lack of self - confidence . I have ideas of things I want to do and I have a problem moving forward . I need to figure out what I am supposed to move forward with first . In some ways , I feel like I am stagnant , as I can 't move forward until Mari graduates from coHopefully the girls and I will get to do this next year . After we got home and I had lunch and took my nap and I was doing my usual routine , I knew I needed to run an errand and take a picture . Taking a picture once a day is getting me out of the house , but I do that anyway when I am running errands . I am bored with this area and it is being hard to come up with ideas of pictures . I am trying to get Mari into this 30 - day challenge and we are having the same issue . I asked her to come up with a word without thinking about it . The word she came up with was " blah " . I decided that we would go down to San Juan Capistrano to Los Rios and walk around . We both like the area and there was a Trader Joe 's in the area as well . It was a nice afternoon out . I asked her who she felt like she was as an artist and what she really likes doing is culture and people . We were talking about areas that she liked to go to and we came up with several . I told her this weekend she has to plan the weekend and we will see where we go . While we were on vacation , the girls and I wondered how long it was going to be before we wanted to be traveling again and we came up with two weeks . It has been two weeks and I am getting antsy to get out of here again . I don 't want to stay in this area . I do know I have responsibilities . The other thing that came up is 4th of July . A friend is having some friends and her family over for the 4th and then go to the street fair and then watch fireworks . This is what I wanted to do , if Rory had not invited his friend over . The daughter and granddaughter want to swim and I have no interest , so I am going to spend part of the day with my friend and part of the day at home . I am trying to be respectful of Rory and I would like to meet his friend . They are also coming over to pick up the couch and recliner . I need to take care of me and be strong . Good night , Trudi My dream has always been to travel for a living . Life is a journey and my dream until recently , was placed on hold . During the time my dream was on hold , I was able to travel around the United States and Europe . I enjoyed many unique adventures . I have numerous stories to tell about my travels , and I would love to share my stories and historical facts through the photographs I have taken . The journey of my life has taken many turns . This includes the birth of my beautiful twin daughters , the caring for and the passing of my parents and dealing with mental illness in two of my family members . Exploring new places and photographing the beauty that lies with them are my passion , as well as my escape from reality . View my complete profile

Ginger sat at a table playing cards , he looked up as Sydney came in but only for a moment . He sniffed derisively , going back to the game . Sydney waited for the hand to finish and then pulled a chair up a short distance from the man . Sydney used the chair to push off ; he put all of his weight behind the hit , and heard something in his hand make an unhappy clicking sound as it connected with the square jaw - line . Within a moment he had a million hands on him , hitting him hard and pulling him away . A cold knife pressed angry against his liver . " You 've still got one hell ' uv ' a cross , for a washed out drunk . Alright so you 're not a cop , no need to get angry . Have a seat . " He laughed and waived his thugs away . Sydney shook the last of their hands off of him and sat back down , his eyes were dark . Ginger cracked his neck and stretched , and then sucker punched Sydney knocking him off his chair . He sprawled out , hitting the floor hard . When he got up Ginger nodded at him and ordered two drinks . " Nothing . Why 'd you kill her ? " Sydney sat down again and lit a cigarette . When the drinks came he drank it in one . He felt nauseous . " No " Ginger shrugged and nodded to a man at the table to start dealing cards . " She lied to me . That 's what happens . You lie to a man like me , maybe you end up dead . " He growled at the dealer not to include Wolfe in the hand . " You sure she was lying ? " Ginger stopped and looked at him . " Maybe she really didn 't know where Daniels was . " The man paused , but then shrugged and kept playing . " She knew , and she knew better then to start throwing a fit in the middle of my business . She shouldn 't have tried to hide him from me . She was more clever than she let on . She had it coming . " He spoke like his words were acid . Sydney watched his face closely . " I will . " The man kept his eyes on the table , answering the detective out of the corner of his mouth . Sydney leaned back in his chair and motioned for another drink . This time the hit knocked him out , and for a while there was just stars and black . When he came to , his mouth hurt and tasted of dirt , blood , and bourbon . He was lying face down behind The Can , his head pulsing in time with his heartbeat . He walked up the street and waited for a cab . Halfway home he had the driver pull over so that he could vomit . When he got home he took a shower and went to bed . The next day was Sunday . He took the day off , and drank until he met oblivion ; they stayed together until the evening when he left a voicemail for Samantha Daniels . It said to meet him at the Westcliff diner in the afternoon , that he had solved the case . He put on a record and went to bed . Samantha Daniels walked into the small diner in the West end . Men sat at a table by the window , in hockey jerseys talking loudly . The man in the dirty corduroy suit sat at a corner booth in the back . She went over and sat down across from him . He called to Martha to bring them coffee . He looked at Samantha with warm dark eyes and asked her conscientiously whether she would like anything to eat . She said no and the man ordered himself a cheeseburger and a slice of pie . Sydney Wolfe P . I . looked even less impressive than the first time they 'd met . The left side of his face was swollen and bruised , and there was a cut on his lip . She wondered why she felt nervous , and sat up straighter holding her hands in her lap so that they didn 't fidget . Decades later she would still be able to recall the scent of the man in front of her . It was a mixture of hard alcohol , coffee , and cigarettes . It was like another world , the smell of uncles , and grandfathers ; old men at bus - stops . She looked at the man and thought of the two plain envelopes in her purse ; she wondered what would happen next . " As you know , your husband was involved with a gang of criminals led by a man named Ginger . Sally Shields , real name Turner , was a member of this group . Either deliberately or not she got into the office , and bed , of the Councilman and got him hooked on drugs , probably cocaine . At some point the Councilman got involved with Ginger , forging documents and using his connections to get a shipment of containers from Germany through customs without being searched . These allegedly contain steel for a construction gig out in Fall River , but it is more likely they 're drugs ; I 'm guessing Hashish , though I couldn 't say for certain . The shipment comes in this Thursday , and as far as I can tell , the thing should at this point go off as planned with or without the Councilman , which suggests to me that you knew most , if not all , of this already . " She looked at him with cool blue eyes . " I don 't know a million reasons probably . You were tired of him , the marriage , his crass affairs . You aren 't the kind of woman who gets a divorce ; you 're the kind who gets away with murder . I imagine you think it is cleaner , more civilized . I don 't know why , only you do . But I thing it 's likely that it had something to do with the fact that you 've been embezzling funds from your investors for years , cleaning it through his office . Maybe he helped , or more likely he just let you do whatever you needed . Maybe he didn 't even know , only guessed . But either way you killed him . I don 't know how or where , I didn 't look into that , I could if you want me to , but I 'm guessing there 's no need . Doubt it 'll trace back to you , and that 's all you wanted me for , isn 't it ? " " She 's dead , killed two nights ago ; probably by the thugs she worked with . " He felt angry with the city , with all the people in it . He should get a cabin somewhere , go and get away from it all . He handed her a small stack of files and papers . " Here , these are the records you left in Daniels ' office . From what I gather he didn 't have the brains to pull it off without you , so I wouldn 't leave ' em around . Cops are stupid , but they aren 't that stupid . " " And if they do ? " He smiled at her . He shrugged . She realized that he didn 't like her . She reached into her purse and wrote him a check , it wasn 't excessive , but it would do . He took it and began to eat his lunch . She put on her jacket , she was calm , collected . The man ate his lunch and didn 't look at her as she wished him ' good day ' and left the diner . She went to the police station and reported her husband missing . She never saw Sydney Wolfe again , although years later when a friend in unique trouble came to her for help she would recommend his services . The investigation into the Councilman 's disappearance led to a major drug bust later that week , it was decided that he had probably been killed by the criminals he 'd been working with once his part in the deal was done . Months later his body was found washed up on a beach . The Police determined that he had been shot to death and then dumped in the harbour . The gun used was never found . Samantha Daniels was cleared of suspicion early on in the investigation . After eating a shoddy breakfast and leaving a voicemail for Sam Daniels , Sydney headed back to the office . He called Sally to come over and let him in . She looked tired and grumpy , and was clearly displeased at having been called in on her day off . But she didn 't put up a fight when he asked for a list of the Councilman 's appointments . She found him what he wanted , handed him the keys to lock up , and left . Her mouth and eyes pouted at him angry and abused and once again he couldn 't help smiling as he watched her walk away . The rest of the morning , and most of the day , was spent making phone calls and chasing down appointments . Most of it was a bust , but after bribing a buddy of his who worked at the shipyard he was able to find the container number for a shipment of steel the Councilman had signed through customs that was coming in on Thursday . It was Saturday , and he and his buddy were in the ship yard alone . " Not always . Yours won 't be , been cleared through customs already , got a rush on it . Guess they need it for some construction job that 's on a deadline or something out in Fall River . I don 't know . . . Why ? " His buddy eyed him strangely . " Yeah , sure Syd . I 'll give you a call if there 's anything . . . you know , strange . Give my best to your sister hey ? " " Thanks . . . and yeah I 'll tell her ' hi ' . " His buddy smiled like an idiot and got into his car . He drove away . Sydney smoked looking out at the containers and the harbour behind them . He hadn 't spoken to his sister in years ; he didn 't plan on doing so any time soon . She lived with her family in Winnipeg and thought he was a drunk . He thought she was a stuck up whore . He grimaced , put his cigarette out , and drove up - town . Chris 's car kept stalling because of the cold . Sydney exhaled heavily , hating the world . " I figured as much , " she demurred , and handed him another envelope . It was heavier than the first had been . Sydney didn 't comment , he put it away and flipped open his note pad . " Nope . Not from what I can find . It 's sure she doesn 't know where he is now . " He watched her reaction . " Jealous ? " He asked . " Don 't be absurd ! " She tossed her hair . " So what now , do you think I should go to the police ? " Her eyes flickered and she sipped at her martini . " Nah , I 'd wait out the weekend . I 'm guessing he was involved in a smuggling operation with one of the tougher gangs in the Province . Probably one of them killed him , but I don 't know why yet . I 'd say hang tight . Monday 'll be soon enough to go to the cops . . . Did you know anything about it ? " He looked at her face , it had no expression . " I had no idea . I suspected something , but I had no idea it was that . I figured he had just gotten carried away with that tramp from his office . It wouldn 't have been the first time . But no , I didn 't know he 'd . . . fallen so far . It is surprising to say the least . " " You know why he might do something like that ? Were you having money troubles ? " He asked casually . He knew the answer ; he 'd already seen the files at the office . But he wanted to see what she would say . " We weren 't , but perhaps he was . We have separate finances . If he was having trouble it is probable he wouldn 't tell me about it . Inferiority complex ! He has always been . . . sensitive to the differences in our level of competence . " Her voice was cool , truthful . She ordered another drink . " How vulgar ! Please ! We discussed it a few months ago , I would of course have been happy to oblige him in such foolishness . However I pointed out to him what an ugly spectacle that would make of both our lives . He understood and the topic was dropped . Besides , he depends on me entirely . It was merely drama . I am afraid that my husband is in truth a fairly stupid man . " She drank her second martini in one . " But , that doesn 't mean I don 't want to find him detective Wolfe , or that I don 't care enough to make sure that he is safe and well . " " Let me know what you discover . I shall wait to go to the police until you have advised me . Good evening . " She did not look backward as she left . Sydney finished his drink and watched her go . Sydney went home to eat dinner and drink . Around 1030 he went out again to a posh bar up - town to drink some more . He found Tyler Grey sitting in a corner with some people and sat down nearby to ignore him . He drank fast with his head down and wished that he could smoke . After twenty minutes Tyler came over , he looked excited . " Yeah sure . How you figure we 're so chummy all of a sudden ? " He hoped he didn 't look smug . They got their drinks and Grey slipped onto the stool beside him . " Yeah , I found out last night after talkin to you . Got back to the party and everyone was talking about it . Common Syd , you wouldn 't hold out on your old friend . " He grinned . His face made Sydney want to punch it . " Well , actually I 've been doing some detecting of my own since then , spoke with Jenny Brooks over drinks at the after party . She knew all about it . You know her ? " The kid was smug and Sydney wanted to hit him even more . Instead he shrugged . Jenny Brooks was the city 's society gossip and busy body . Sydney didn 't know her personally , but he knew of her . He figured she probably did know all about everything , although she seemed to have sense enough not to tell all that she knew . " Not that you would have condoned it if he had , right ? Cuz ' you 're all on the up an up , right ? " Grey just laughed . He was enjoying himself . His friends called over to him from the corner . " That 's right Wolfey , strictly legit . Well anyway , what do you think is going on ? What were all those questions about the other night , you think maybe he was embezzling after all ? . . . Yeah ! Just a minute . " He called back to the corner . Grey eyed him suspiciously but was tight enough not to care too much . He shrugged , then smiled , and winked , and gave him the old punch on the arm ; Sydney ground his teeth . The kid stumbled back to his table to make up a story full of intrigue . Sydney finished his drink , got up , and left . He had returned Chris 's car after his meet with Mrs Daniels so he hailed a cab to take him to The Can . It was a little after midnight and he knew Ginger would be there playing cards . He had the cab drop him a block away so that he could approach on foot ; he needed the air and exercise to clear his head . Halfway there he heard two gunshots and the wheels of a car screech . A moment later an old grey sedan flew past him with two men in it . One was the young thug from the night before . Sally Turner was slumped against the side of the bar . A cigarette still burned between the fingers of her hand . Her face was relaxed and stared into a patch of snow that had withstood the rain . She had on a red dress and heels , and her lips were a different shade then they had been that morning . They no longer pouted . They would never again pout , or sneer , or smile . Sydney looked at her and his look was hard and cold . There were two holes in the fabric of her dress , and a dark stain had begun to paint the ground . A few people had come outside ; they stood at a distance and looked at the detective . He sighed heavily and walked past her into the bar . The cops came and took her away . He knew the two guys who went around asking questions from back in the day . They didn 't get any helpful answers ; this wasn 't the crowd for that . It made them aggressive , and that made their ' witnesses ' even less cooperative . Sydney sat at the bar drinking . He decided to punch them if they asked him anything , which would get him arrested and probably beat up . It would be worth it . He drank some more . Either the cops didn 't think anything he had to say would be worth hearing , or else they didn 't want to deal with the paper - work . They ignored him , finished asking questions and finally left . Feeling belligerent and reckless Sydney ordered another drink and went into the back room to speak with Ginger , no body tried to stop him . " Pursuing leads in the case as I find em . " He answered , eating casually . The well dressed men and women in the room looked at his shabby clothes and dirty hair with contempt and disdain . He didn 't mind . " Sam darling , it 's so good to see you . Is Herald here ? We were supposed to have drinks the other day but he never showed . I hope he 's not ill . " Mrs Daniels smiled and edged closer to the Mayor , away from the man at her side . But before she could answer , Sydney spoke , " What day was that ? If you don 't mind my asking , that you were supposed to meet with Councilman Daniels ? " " No one , just a friend of Mrs Daniels . " Sydney smiled at the uncomfortable woman , nodded to the Mayor , and moved away . In a far corner he found the man he had been looking for . Tyler Grey was an accountant for the city . He had worked for the municipality for over ten years and had lined his and his friend 's pockets for all ten of those . His records were always on the up and up , and the majority of his business was legitimate . But if a politician wanted to launder money , he was the man to grease the wheels . Sydney found him wearing a well cut suit and schmoozing with a cocktail waitress in the corner . " Nice to see you again Grey . Buy you a drink ? " Wolfe stepped forward nudging a shoulder between the man and the girl , and slipping a $ 50 with his other hand into the man 's pocket . The man looked unpleasantly at the detective , but then nodded and shrugged apologetically at the girl . " Sure , we had lunch . What about it ? " Grey eyed the detective warily . Sydney took out another $ 50 and slid it across to the man . The man took the money and sipped at his drink . " Daniels was gonna be coming into some money , wanted to know what I thought he should do with it . I told him . Simple as that . " " Wife 's charity , I figured she would . . . know how to run something like that . " His slight chuckle was irritating , " I told him if she didn 't like it , I 'd take care of it through one of my own projects , so long as he cut me in , he said alright , and we left it at that . Haven 't heard from him since though . What 's this all about ? " " Nothing . Let me know if you hear from him though , okay ? . " He handed him a card . " By the way , when was this pay - day supposed to be coming in ? " " Next week sometime . . . I 'll tell you what though , you see him you tell him to call me . " He winked obnoxiously again and went back to join the party , leaving Sydney with the bill . Sydney called a cab to take him back to his apartment on North . On the way he had the driver pass by the girl 's place on Charles . A light was on and he could see Sally in the kitchen talking on the phone , she looked upset . Chris Corrigan was a retired cop who lived in the neighbourhood , about a block away from the girl , Sydney sometimes went there to smoke his cigarettes and play cards . He went there now instead of going home . Chris was there , old and grey and probably dying slowly like most retired cops did . He was wearing his housecoat and watching t . v . He told Sydney to " bugger off " , he didn 't want to play cards . His house smelled of soup . Sydney didn 't care , he took the keys to an old civic that were hanging on the wall and told the man he 'd be back before morning . The old cop didn 't respond . The lights were still on when the detective pulled up , parking the car across the street , but the girl was no longer in the kitchen . Sydney waited , smoking . After a while she came back into the room , this time followed by a young thug who looked familiar . Sydney recognized him as one of Ginger 's boys . The two were arguing and every now and then Sally would get heated enough to try and strike him . They went on like this for about twenty minutes before the phone rang . Sydney watched the girl 's face as she answered it . Ten minutes later a cab pulled up in front of the building and honked . The lights in the apartment went off and both the girl and the kid came out , looking as chummy as ever , and got in . Sydney followed the cab to a house in a bad part of the South End . He watched the two get out and hurry inside . He figured the place was one of Ginger 's . After a while he parked in a dark alley off the street and took out his . 38 . He pulled his hat down and walked around the building looking for an open window . A couple of Ginger 's boys stood in the back smoking and cracking wise . Through a side window Sydney could see Ginger and the girl sitting at the kitchen table . The man 's face was calm and no redder than usual ; the girl was flush and angry . She had the papers from the Councilman 's office spread out on the table . Her voice was shrill , and through the window he could hear the girl yelling . " Why are you asking me that ? I don 't know , I keep telling you ! " She was frantic and Wolfe watched the red haired man reach out and pet her hand , speaking low and soothing . He watched fear fill her pretty blue eyes . " I told you everything I know . " He heard her say . " The wife 's hired a private detective . I don 't think she knows either . " The rest of the conversation was lost to posterity as a dog came around the side of the house and began to bark . Sydney slowly moved away into the darkness . He brought the car back to Chris , watched some t . v . and smoked . Then he went home . He poured himself a drink and put on a record , by the time he woke up it was morning . When he got to the councilman 's office the girl was there . She was shuffling through papers at her desk in a hurry , and her cheek , where Ginger had hit her , was beginning to bruise and swell . Her eyes were red , maybe from crying , but she looked angry and dangerous . He pulled out his notepad and pencil , " I 'm detective Wolfe . Mrs . Daniels asked me to look into her husband 's disappearance . I just wanted to ask you a few questions if that 's alright . Maybe we could go somewhere more private to talk ? " She stuck her lip out sulkily and hunched her shoulders , " Sure , of course I 'll help however I can . If he is disappeared or whatever , but I don 't know what help I 'll be . It has nothing to do with me , I 'm sure of that . Here , we can go into his office - you 'll probably want to see that next anyhow . " " Yes , thank you that would be perfect . Just routine questions , you understand . Like you say , we can 't be sure that he 's even missing at this point . " He followed her into the room . Most men would have said she was an attractive girl ; she had the perfect balance of fragile and crazy to drive most men wild . Sydney wasn 't fooled though . He 'd met her father a few years back during a job that nearly killed him , a nasty piece of goods . She had the Turner nose , and he imagined that wasn 't the only thing she 'd inherited from her father . She was relatively skinny , but strong , and her clothes were strategically chosen to hug her best features as she walked ahead of him into the Councilman 's office and sat down . " There 's no smoking in the building . But I don 't care if you want to . There 's no detector in this room so it doesn 't matter . " She looked at him as he lit a cigarette and made a slight show of thumbing through his notes . Her eyes were blue . " You don 't look like a cop " she said . " Yeah , I 'm not . Not anymore anyway . Private detective . Mrs . Daniels hired me this morning , she didn 't want to bring in the police just yet . " He looked at her straight . " Sam 's a bitch . But she 's not dumb , probably doesn 't want any of her secrets getting out . She 's a total control freak you know , I bet she 's just using you . " The girl pouted a little and crossed her arms in front of her . " I told her , and I told you , this has nothing to do with me . I don 't know nothing about it . He probably just went away on business and didn 't tell her . That 's what I 'd do , all the time if I was married to her . What do you want from me anyhow , Private Detective ? " She spoke the last two words with an insulting sneer . Sydney smiled at the young girl . He liked her , she was neither bright nor stupid ; pretty enough , but not beautiful ; mean and self centered , but not cruel . She reminded him of girls he had grown up with in Truro ; girls who mindlessly pursued any avenue of escape from the tedious suffering of their lives . " Yeah , okay . Where 'd you get the chip for the Mrs . from , she not like you or something ? " His eyes mocked her . The girl continued to make faces at him . " Yeah , she don 't like me much . So what ? She 's one of those women , I told you , a real control freak . She 's always coming into the office checkin up , even when Mr Daniels was out , looking over his shoulder , messing through files and stuff . You know the type : no one can do anything as well as she can , that kind of attitude . Doesn 't want her little pet husband embarrassing her or something , sure , I don 't like her , but I 'm stayin clear of it . " She slumped in the chair , looking over her crossed arms at the detective , her eyes sulky and stubborn . The detective looked back at her smiling still , his eyes were mischief . " So what is it Ginger 's cut you out of Sally ? You get the Councilman hooked on drugs , or something deeper ? You don 't know where he is ? That 's fine . How 's your daddy doin up in Glace Bay ? I owe him a couple inches of steel , and maybe a right cross . But you deal straight with me little girl , maybe I 'll forget I owe him anything . " The girl 's face turned bright red and ugly . She leapt out of her chair at him trying to claw her way through him to the door . He grabbed her by the waist and pushed her roughly back into her chair . He growled at her while out of nowhere he pulled a cold black . 38 . " Come on now sweetheart , play nice . Let 's just sit down here and calmly have our little conversation . I 'm just trying to do my job , no reason why it needs to bring any trouble to anybody . " She sat very still , her hands holding the arms of her chair , as she eyed the gun in the man 's hand . It was unexpected . She moved her gaze from the gun to the man 's eyes . He sat down across from her and smiled , the gun on his lap still aimed at her . He didn 't look like a man who carried a gun ; those were just the kind of men you didn 't want to cross . She wondered if he was right in the head . She licked her lips and smiled , she tried to pretend to relax . " Alright , fine . So , you 're so smart then , " she said with forced lightness , " you should know I 'd rather take my chances getting shot by you here , than give up Ginger and his business . That 'd be suicide , and not just for me . I ain 't stupid you know . We can sit here , and you can shoot me as you like , but I ain 't talkin about nothing that ain 't you 're business . " Her eyes moved warily back and forth between his face and the gun . She sat perched on the edge of her chair ; her hands , now in her lap , twitched and fidgeted betraying the action of her mind . Sydney looked easily around the room . It was rather typical , some papers on the desk , a framed degree on the wall bragging of an MA from some prestigious university . A few photographs set around , of Councilman Daniels with the Mayor playing golf , or with the Premier . He wondered if he would find any liquor in the desk . He got up and began to look for it . The girl just continued to sit there , she watched him out of the corner of her eye . " What has the Councilman been working on lately ? " He asked her as he broke into the locked side drawer of the desk , and pulled out the scotch and glasses that lay within . He poured them each a drink , and put the files that he found beside them in the large pocket of his overcoat . She hesitated , but then took the drink and replied . " I don 't know . He does stuff with construction . I just answer the phones , and make appointments , and sometimes I do filing . I don 't really understand most of it . " Sydney wondered if that was true . Sally 's type was used to people thinking she was dumber than she actually was . She may or may not have graduated high - school , but he was fairly certain she would be able to grok anything important . " Monday evening , I told Mrs . Daniels that , I had a dentist appointment the next morning and he had appointments all that afternoon so I didn 't see him Tuesday , I don 't even know if he came in . He hasn 't been into the office since . " She looked at him steady and calm . " No , why should I have ? And before you ask , no I don 't know where he is . I wish I did . . . it 's been very awkward . " She finished her drink and let him pour her another . " I told you I wasn 't telling you shit about Ginger . What 's he got to do with it anyway ? You should be careful asking around about him . But then you do look stupid , maybe you are . " Brassy now that the gun had disappeared , she downed her drink and glowered at the detective . " I 'm done talking to you anyway . The Councilman doesn 't even bother to come into work , I 'm going home . " He nodded as she tentatively got up to leave . He got up , leaving the scotch and glasses on the table . He followed her out to her desk . The papers she had been collecting when he arrived where sitting there . Like she 'd said , they related to various municipal contracts for projects in and around the city . She put them into her bag as he leaned against the office door and watched her put her coat on getting ready to leave . " What would the Councilman be doing tonight , if he hadn 't taken a powder . . . you ? " He asked her , still teasing . Despite herself she smiled . " Ha , no . He and the Mrs . had some big charity fundraiser or something , over at the Lord Nelson at 7pm . Who knows , maybe he 'll show up and I won 't have to ever see you again . " She winked at him , " happy thought . " She walked away , swishing her hips like a girl pretending in her mother 's high heels . Sydney continued to smile at the retreating figure and lit a cigarette . He smoked as he went back into the office , looking through files and papers and drinking the Councilman 's scotch . He went out and riffled through the girl 's desk , pocketing cigarettes from a pack found in the left hand drawer . Aside from these he also found a receipt from the previous Monday for what looked like drinks at a hotel bar , across the top someone had written " T . Grey " in pen . Sydney guessed it had been Daniels , even though the receipt was found in the secretary 's desk along with various other business notes and invoices . Wolfe tucked it into the pages of his notepad and decided to head over to the Lord Nelson . Sydney Wolfe sat chewing his lip . Martha came over and poured him some more coffee . He looked at his notes and thought . Finally he left some money on the table and got up to leave . He had a brown wool overcoat hanging by the door and a hat , the kind men wore when his father was young . It had belonged to his grandfather and was about as old and worn as the overcoat it didn 't match . He put both on and turned his collar up against the cold as he waited for a taxi to take him to a bar full of criminals down on the waterfront , next to the stockyard . He rubbed his face with one hand and spit onto the sidewalk , then bummed a cigarette from one of the punk kids who hung around outside the diner and put it away in his pocket as the cab pulled up . ' The Can ' was a dive where the liquor was cheap and the clientele disagreeable . You went there mostly for drugs and information , nobody bothered you unless you asked them to , and the pool tables were free . As he walked in , the bartender greeted him with a small nod and poured him a shot of bourbon . The Can didn 't serve anything but hard liquor and cheap beer , their bourbon was alright though . The back room was dimly lit and full of smoke . Three tables were set up around the room where people sat drinking and playing cards . Some of the men in the room looked up as Sydney entered , some didn 't . Looking around , the detective found his man and headed over to the far table where he dropped some money and sat down . He played two hands before Digs spoke to him . Digs Murphy was a tall well built black man who ran drugs back and forth across the border ; he had a cousin in Maine and liked to sleep with the girls who worked the Yarmouth Ferry . Mostly he was a middle man . He did a solid business without any ambition to better , and so he never got left outside when it rained . Back when Detective Sergeant Sydney Wolfe didn 't drink Bourbon and still had a badge , Digs was just a young kid using his pretty voice to keep him out of prison . These days cops and crooks alike would tell you ' Digs don 't sing ; not any more ' , but that didn 't mean he didn 't still have the goods . Word on the street was : the last time Digs had seen Wolfe he 'd put two bullets in him ; and that maybe the washed out detective was interested in a little pay back . Word had also gone around that maybe Digs owed Wolfe two large for a favour he 'd done him a few years back . Either way , word on the street was wrong . What had really happened was that Wolfe had caught some lead while covering for Digs and had won $ 100 dollars off of him later that night in a disputed card game . Reality being rarely so glamorous as rumour . " Well , I don 't know that I like playin cards with you gumshoe . But yeah , okay . Sammy ! Get this guy another drink , we 're gonna go over to the corner and smoke . " While Sammy went to get drinks the two men left their cards and went into a corner where the men in the room moved aside to let them be . Sammy came in with their drinks and left them to it . Wolfe smoked the black man 's cigarettes like they were his own , putting the butts in his pocket , and Digs didn 't mind . " I need some information for a case . What do you know about a girl named Sally Shields ? Been running around up - town with a Councilman , probably into drugs . . . Councilman Daniels , but you didn 't hear the name from me . " " Yeah , maybe I 've seen her . Not always around here , but up town like you say . She 's into coke and maybe something more . Wrong name though , she 's Sally Turner , daughter of Tiny Turner , you remember , that gun runner from out in Glace Bay . Word is she 's in Ginger 's gang and that they 've got some big business coming into harbour from overseas , next week maybe , couldn 't say . I don 't know about any Councilman , but it might still be her . She 's cleaned up real nice and pretty to see ever since she got out of goal last spring . That 's about all I know , which is why I 'm tellin you any of it . Now how about you skip off ! " The cab dropped the detective off at a small but well lit bachelor on North St . A red cat met him at the door . He picked it up and it purred , getting hairs on his corduroy . Sydney sat down at a small table , poured himself a glass of scotch and spread his notes out before him ; those he had taken in the diner , as well as those he had just finished writing on the cab ride home from The Can . He smoked the cigarettes he 'd taken from Digs as he looked at the pieces of paper that lay on the table . After a while he left them as they were , to talk amongst themselves maybe sort themselves out a bit . He took his drink over to the couch that doubled as his bed and put a record on repeat , hoping to sleep for maybe an hour or two . " Oh alright , suit yourself , I don 't care . Stuck up , washed out , dick . . . Digs sent me to give you this . " The man hesitated and then handed him a folded up piece of dirty paper with writing on it . " Digs said as you ' ld at least give me a drink for my trouble . " He whined . " Yeah well , thanks for the message . Digs was wrong , but I 'll give you something more if you don 't hit it . " Wolfe took the piece of paper and glowered with some menace at the irritating man . " No ! common Syd , nah I 'm just sayin as , you catch more flies with honey an all that . Alright , alright , I 'm goin . Geezus ! " The man shuffled away quickly and grumbling ; his ticks jumping all over the place . Turner bird and Ginger came in a little after you left . Had a row , real scene . She 's not too pleased with the way things are going ( however that is ) . He shut her up real nice . She left , he stuck around . Cards and not much chatter . I didn 't mention as you ' ld been around . It was getting on 430 - 5p and Sydney figured it was about time he headed up town to the Councilman 's offices . Putting on his overcoat and hat he went out and grabbed a cab . It was grey and raining , it often was . By marguerite Here is the first post in a NEW series of fresh local lit . My loyal contributor Amanda Hester has written an awesome short story which will be released to you every Sunday over the next 6 weeks . The story is based in Halifax and will keep you on the edge of your seat ! The first time Samantha Daniels met with Sydney Wolfe it was at a small diner in the West End of the city . He was roughly 40 years old and had shaggy , greasy hair the colour of dry autumn mud ; it was thinning and he pulled it back behind his ears whenever it fell into his face . He had on a worn corduroy suit , which she would see again in subsequent meetings , and his white shirt looked slept in . Sydney Wolfe P . I . did not immediately inspire confidence . He was clean shaven , with sporadic patches of missed stubble . He was lean , average height , he slouched . His green eyes were tired and cynical , and hung heavy in his face . As Samantha walked into the diner , she found him sitting at the bar with a half drunk cup of coffee and a half eaten turkey sandwich . He was dumping the tobacco that remained in smoked cigarette butts onto a small piece of ' roll your own ' paper , which early on in their conversation she would watch him roll and smoke . " My fee is $ 75 per day plus expenses , I find out you 're lying to me my fee is $ 100 . So don 't lie and it 'll save me time , and save you money . You can tell me everything you got to say here , Martha 's about as dumb as she is deaf , and me , I don 't judge " He said all this in a rolling monotone , nodding at the waitress , and stopped when he had finished without giving any sense that he waited for a response , or even that he had spoken at all . He just continued his business with the cigarette ends and finished his sandwich . Looking up at Martha he ordered another coffee . When Samantha began to speak he looked at her evenly with his tired eyes , listening to what she said . His pupils remained fixed , his breathing even . It was disconcerting for her that he showed no sign , no recognition , or awareness even , of what an attractive woman she was . She spoke nervously at first , trying to lure him into some sympathy with her plight , but he just looked bored and began to tackle his pie . Samantha looked at the dirty little man , her face flush . She sipped at her coffee and said , " Alright then " . The man summoned Martha who poured them more coffee and they moved with it over to a booth in the corner , where the man , continuing to smoke , pulled out a dingy looking note pad with a broken wire . As Samantha spoke he wrote on it with a stubby pencil and she noticed his hands were narrow and feminine . She wondered if he had ever been anything other than what he was now . Samantha Daniels ' story was more or less exactly what one might expect . The pretty daughter of a successful lawyer , she had grown up smart and arrogant , and in society . She 'd married young and married well , and soon after had grown bored with her friends , her money , her husband , and her life . Now in her mid to late 30 's ( an age she never admitted to ) she struggled with ennui and a mild addiction to prescription drugs . She had affairs , but her husband didn 't care . He had affairs and she didn 't care . She generally tended to dislike everyone she met , but then she generally disliked herself . Having graduated with a degree from Yale , she was a part - time investment broker and held the chair for various women 's clubs and societies . She was an extremely competent and composed person ; she was also profoundly unhappy . " When I spoke to my husband about it a few days ago he became enraged , quite uncharacteristically so . But then , he has been acting strangely for months now . He has been moody and irrational . I have encouraged him to go and see a doctor , but . . . I especially worry about his heart . He has been so odd lately , sometimes pale and sweating , and the next day flush and feverish . At any rate , if he has been to see a doctor , he 's not informed me of it . But I do know that he went , after we spoke last , to go and see that woman . I know it because he told me that was where he was going . I don 't know whether he went to break it off , or to carry on with her , but I know he went to see her . . I even followed him . . . out of concern . . . he went to her one - bedroom on Charles St . . . After I saw him go in , I left . " " The thing of it is . . . is that this was three days ago and I have not seen or heard from him since . I have left tentative messages with all of our friends and at his office , and as far as I can gather he has disappeared . What is strange , however , is that his secretary , Miss Shields , has been in to the office every day . I went in yesterday and asked if she had seen him and she lied to my face that she hadn 't seen him since Monday , which is the day before I followed him to her apartment . I asked her if she could account for his continued absence from the office and she said she could not , but that maybe he had gone out of town on business and just failed to let either of us know . " " Is that likely , I mean , has your husband ever done anything like that in the past ? " The detective asked this unobtrusively . He watched her calmly , his head tilted slightly forward . " No . No , that is just it , not at all . It is not something Herald would ever do . He is not absent minded or thoughtless . It is all a very great mystery . I am , indeed , beginning to become quite worried . But you see , especially with the possibility of the Shields girl being involved , I hesitate in going to the police , because of the publicity and the questions . It is very important that I understand better just what is going on , before I involve anyone in an official capacity . That is why I have come to you . " Samantha Daniels took an envelope out of her bag and handed it to the man across from her . " Here . This is $ 500 and my private number , it should cover your costs to begin with , I imagine . I 'll expect to hear from you in the next day or so . " The man took the envelope and , folding it , put it in the inside pocket of his jacket . " Yes , thank you . That 'll be enough for me to start . Where exactly are your husband 's offices and what was the address on Charles ? " Samantha wrote these down for him on a clean page in his dingy notebook . After a few moments of silence she pulled her things together and made to leave . " If that will be everything Mr Wolfe , I really need to be going . Thank you so much for taking the case I suppose . " He looked at her again , with those inscrutable eyes . " Yes , of course . One last question Mrs . Daniels , have you ever known your husband to take drugs of any kind ? " She put on her coat , smoothing the front of it , she put on her gloves . She was unruffled , composed . Nodding farewell to the man in the worn corduroy who still sat in the booth , she calmly left the diner and hailed a cab to take her up town .

I tried job after job to meet the financial needs of my drinking habits , entertainment expenses and of course , rent . But I could never find a job that I liked , it was either too boring , didn 't pay enough . . blah , blah , blah . One day , my friend told me of a job where you would care for mentally handicapped people who were discharged from the local mental hospital a while ago . I had relatively , no experience with these types of people , but I was willing to take on anything at that point . The position that I was hired for was an overnight shift . Basically , I would stay up all night , watch for emergencies with the clients , help them to the bathroom , and get them up in the mornings . Pretty easy work . I could even do my homework there . One night , I was sitting in the kitchen studying for an exam and I fell asleep at the table . I must have been sleeping pretty hard core , but I do know that I heard someone shuffling down the hall to the bathroom , stop by the kitchen , stare at me and then continue on their way . I woke myself up and groggily stood , then made my way to the bathroom to check on the client . I was in a pretty good daze , but I remember stopping at the bathroom door and peering in . . . It was dark , but I could see the shape of a man sitting on the toilet rocking back and forth . I cleared my throat and asked the ' man ' if he needed any help . As I asked the question , he looked up at me and gave me the spookiest stare ! I will never forget it , cold , vacant and slightly insane . He was drooling and I could see that he was missing teeth through his lunatic grin . I stared back at him and was horrified to realize that I didn 't recognize him . There are only 5 residents in a house and this man was definitely not one of them . I backed away from the door and started to shake and became cold . The man dropped his gaze and continued to rock back and forth on the toilet . I turned and started down the hall to the bedrooms , turning on every light on my way down . I checked every room on that floor and everyone was in their beds , sound asleep . There was one guy who slept downstairs , but I just knew that he 'd be in bed , fast asleep . As I passed the bathroom , I forced myself to look in , and sure enough , the toilet was empty , there was no proof that anyone had been in there ! I raced downstairs , practically in tears from my fright , only to find that client was fast asleep , tucked into bed the same way I had le ~ Queenie ~ ( And now , a word from our sponsor ! ) A VOICE IN THE ATTIC There was an old farmhouse that , until it was torn down a few years ago , stood in the middle of a three - acre plot of land in Afton , Wyoming . At the time , the land belonged to my wife 's grandparents , who had purchased the otherwise barren expanse in the spring of 1982 with the intent of building a home on the northwest edge of the property closest to the main road . The home was built , the perimeter fenced , and the rest of the land kept for the horses they owned . After toying with the idea of renovating the sixty - year - old farmhouse and turning it into a guest cottage , they decided against it and now only used it for additional storage space . In the summer of 1997 , my wife and I received an invitation from her grandparents to spend a few days at their home , and so we packed our overnight bags and made the three - hour drive from our home in Utah , looking forward to a weekend spent taking in the rustic scenery and relaxing . For the record , I have always had a fascination with the paranormal , but my interests have been rooted in its more mundane aspects : horror movies , scary novels , and the occasional worthwhile TV documentary . My wife Jane , on the other hand , has always been a more willing participant in the pursuit of such topics and , as a result of her forays into the world of " ghost hunting " , boasts a collection of self - taken spirit photographs to complement her library archives of EVP ( Electronic Voice Phenomenon ) audio recordings . The phenomena of ghost photography - - a pursuit that 's been around since the invention of the camera itself - - is something that , to my practical and reasoning mind , can often be dismissed as nothing more than double - exposure , the reflection of light , or water spots on a camera lens . What really captured my imagination , however , were the audio recordings . Some of the anomalies that I have heard on these tapes could easily be written off using more earthbound than otherworldly explanations , yet there are some that even a rational mind must admit are beyond the scope of Posted by " My husband , Rob , told me this story . . . and while he 's not one to believe in ghosts , he cannot explain what happened this night . . . He was the night shift manager of a fast food restaurant . Everyone had clocked out and left , leaving him there alone , finishing paperwork . Everything was quiet , then he heard a knock , coming from the customer entrance door . . . Thinking it might be one of his friends , he got up to see who it was . The door was glass , so he could see a man with a little blond haired girl standing there . He didn 't know the man or the girl . He told them the restaurant was closed . The man said the little girl needed to use the bathroom . ( When ya gotta go . . . ya gotta go ! ) Against his better judgement , Rob let them in then locked the door behind them . While the man took the girl to the bathroom , Rob continued his paperwork . He couldn 't see them from his desk , so after a few minutes , he yelled out , " Are you done ? " No one answered . He waited a couple more minutes then asked again . Still , no answer . He then got up and walked to the restroom to check on the man and the girl . No one was in the men 's or women 's restroom ! He walked into the restaurant lobby , thinking they may have sat down to rest . No one was there . He checked the work areas . No one was there either ! He checked all the doors . They were still locked and only he had the keys . He went to the drive - thru window , unlocked and opened it . He stuck his head out and looked around the parking lot area . No one was there . He was alone . Just as he walked away from the drive - thru window , he heard a knock coming from it . He turned around and saw the little girl with the most terrifying look he had ever seen . . . She appeared to be " growling " at him and had her hands up in " claws " . He said she looked like a devil child ! Thinking it was his imagination , he closed his eyes and shook his head . When he opened his eyes again , she was gone . He ran to the drive - thru window and opened it again to look outside . No one was there . There was no way she could have left that fast out of the parking lot area ! It was then that he realized the man and little girl had to be ghosts ! He said it really scared the heck out of him ! " " THE THING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW "  " A close personal friend related this story to me . He asked that I type it up for him because his own typing skills lack something to be desired ( his own words , not mine - - scout 's honor ) . This is pretty much a verbatim transcript of what he told me , because while his ability with the word processor can be found wanting , his ability to spin an enjoyable yarn isn 't half bad . I 've changed the names of the people involved in the story at their request . So , without further adieu , I give you The Thing Outside the Window . My name is Patrick Johnson , and the story I am about to tell is one hundred percent truth . While I will forever maintain that I am not lying , I 'll be the first to admit that maybe I don 't entirely understand exactly what happened that night . Maybe I 'm remembering it wrong because it was such a surreal event , or maybe my mind is filling in the blanks with something more horrible than what actually occurred . But whatever the case , this anecdote is entirely as I remember it . September 27th is my birthday . In 2003 , I celebrated the big twenty - one . As is usually the case during such a birthday party , we intended to spend the night drenched in copious amounts of fine ( read : cheap ) alcohol . There was some talk of going on a group trip into town ( I live in the country , about 35 miles from the nearest city ) and spending the night at the bar , but none of my friends were willing to volunteer for the dubious honor of designated driver , so in the end we opted to go one county over ( not only do I live an insane distance from the nearest town , but I live in a dry county as well ) and pick up a couple of cases of beer , some whisky and some vodka . When I use the word party in relation to my 21st birthday , I feel I am being a bit disingenuous . It wasn 't really a party in the traditional sense . It was just four of us ( myself and three friends - - Matt , John and Alex ) sitting around in the living room , eating cake and drinking alcohol . All in all , I 'd say it was a pretty sedated event , verif you walk right up to the window , you 'll find the toilet directly to your left . When you stand there to relieve yourself , you can turn your head and look out into the back yard . At night , however , there is very little to see . There is an emergency light that activates when it detects movement in the backyard , but otherwise it is fairly dark . At the rear of the yard is a line of pine trees ( still green at the time , despite the slowly cooling temperatures ) that act as the façade of a fairly deep forest . At the head of the forest 's frontage are two small buildings . One , off to the far left of the bathroom window ( and almost out of sight ) is the garage . The second building is a small tin shack that stands on wooden legs . The lack of trim around the lower edge of the building allows you to see clear through to the other side during the day , but at night it 's pitch black under there . So I walked into the bathroom , closed the door , and took the two or three steps between the entrance and the toilet . I glanced out the window as I did so . The night was clear and cool , and the moon was bright . I could see the tin building against the trees , and I could see the trees themselves swaying against a rather powerful breeze . Other than that , I noticed nothing out of the ordinary , so I set to the business relieving my booze - filled bladder . Before I had even finished , I could hear a sound outside the window . At first I thought nothing of it , probably because I was light headed enough from all the alcohol that it just didn 't occur to me to notice it . But as I was finishing my business , the sound outside the window began to grow in pitch . I stood there silently for a couple of seconds , listening . It sounded like a low growl that was steadily rising in pitch , the kind of sound a cornered animal might make when its hackles are up , only there was something off about it . It sounded like whatever was making the sound had a throat full of fluid . There was a kind of bubbling ; a gurgle , and it too steadily rose in pitch . It was only a mat " What is it ? " John asked , his voice low , trembling . " I don 't know , " I said , " but I don 't like it . " " How come it doesn 't trip the emergency light ? " Matt asked . It hadn 't occurred to me to wonder about the emergency light , but once Matt mentioned it , I realized it was a good question . I didn 't have time to reflect on it , though , because I heard the backdoor open . I pulled my face away from the window and looked around to see John standing in the opened door , the walking cane held in front of his chest protectively . " Close the door ! " Matt cried and was moving with a speed that I look back on and admire . Given how much alcohol we consumed , I don 't think I could have been quite so on the ball . Alex swore . I looked around at him and saw that he was staring out the window , eyes bulging . " John , get back in here , man ! It 's coming this way ! " I looked out the window and saw that Alex was right - - the thing in the yard was moving back toward the house , and it was moving fast . It was no longer crouching and its legs pumped furiously as it rushed toward the back door . Toward an intensely drunken John . Matt grabbed John by the shoulder and yanked him back into the house . John lost his footing and the cane flew askew , falling near the window . He toppled and landed on his chest , groaned , and blacked out . Matt slammed the back door and twisted the bolt lock . Alex backed away from the window in a hurry , screaming several colorful words that I 'm not allowed to share here . The door shuttered in its frame and the thud that accompanied the impact was deafening in the quiet that had fallen over the four of us . Matt was leaning against the door . A terrified bark of laughter escaped him when the thing collided with the door . His nerves were frazzled , I suppose , and I don 't blame him for laughing . The sound of that single mad burst caused me to let out my own bitter hoot . Oddly enough , I felt a whole lot better after that , less tense ( I guess it 's true what they say - - laughter in the face of terror is perfectly natural ) . The four of us hePosted by " There is a rather long and winding road in Singapore that 's really beautiful in the daytime . . . Lush green trees and bushes line the sides of the road and large residential properties sit on both sides . It gets especially breath - taking in the evenings , when the evening sunlight streams across the trees , onto the brown leaves scattered on the road . We don 't get to see much of such places over here , given how small our island state is . It 's one of the places I love to drive through . . . but only in the daytime now , and only if I absolutely have to . And never in the night ! About a year ago , I had a close friend , K , come visit me in Singapore and it was a happy reunion when I went and collected her from the airport . We had a great time catching up on lost time and talking about our lives and how much we 'd progressed since we first met . In fact , we got so engrossed chatting and laughing , that it was too late when I realized I 'd missed my turn , and had to make a huge U - turn to get to my friend 's hotel . Groaning inwardly and not wanting her to know that I 'd gone the wrong way , I simply drove on and continued talking with her , when I realized that I was headed back for the highway , which leads right back to the airport ! Just as I was about to tell K how silly I was to miss my turn , I saw the entrance to that peaceful winding road and thought it would be a great idea to show her what I felt was one of Singapore 's more beautiful spots . So I gladly turned in , and proceeded to tell her about this spot which I 'd always enjoyed driving on . . . As we turned into the road and drove along , the first thing I noticed was that there were no other cars on the road , which I attributed to the late hour - K had arrived at about 11 . 30 pm so by the time we got here , it was already about 12 . 30 . . . past midnight . We were still having a great time , singing along to some silly song on the radio and I remember K remarking endlessly about how big the houses were and how nice it must be for people to live on this road . Just as I leant forward to turn up the volume on the radio , K suddenly barked in a hoarse whisper , " Drive faster ! " Confused and taken aback by her sudden change in demeanor , I looked back onto the road and was startled by the figure of a lone jogger on the left hand side of the road . " What 's he doing here at this late hour ? " I wondered softly aloud , sensing that something was not quite right by this time , and glanced around at K who had turned quite pale by this time . " K ? " I probed , " Are you ok ? " K then grabbed my hand , shocking me as her hand was ice cold , and said shakily , " Damnit G , drive ! " NeedleThen K whimpered , and I thought I heard her starting to cry . 2 seconds later , I realized why . He was running alongside my car now , I swear , by this time , I almost swerved the whole car out of fright . From the corner of my eye , I saw that he wasn 't really running , but just seemed to be . . . floating alongside us ! Believe me , I never knew what real fear tasted like , until that night . Then the worst happened . . . He turned and looked right at me , and for some reason , I turned and looked back . . . Dressed in a casual polo T - shirt , he looked like any normal human man , probably in his early thirties , of mixed heritage . . . only the entire right side of his face was all smashed up and I could see some parts of his skull . He looked angry , yet , his eyes were the most frightening of all . They were so big , yet , so lifeless . But most of all , he didn 't have eyeballs . . . only whites . I looked at my side - view mirror and only saw the empty road reflected where he should have been , and knew that if this went on any longer , I would certainly have a heart attack ! Then as suddenly as he appeared , he was gone . Gone from my rear - view and side - view mirrors . I sped on and almost cried from relief when I saw the street lamps on the main road just up ahead . I almost got myself into an accident when I went careening out onto it ! It 's been about a year since it happened , and I haven 't gone back on that road since ! Incidentally , I was in a taxi just last week . . . After a few drinks , and after chatting with the taxi driver for a bit , I thought I 'd ask him if he 's been on that road . He replied , " NO WAY am I driving on that road at night ! Not even if you paid me extra ! I 'll gladly drop you off at the roadside ! " When I asked him why , he told me that his other cabbie friends have seen this lone jogger and also experienced the same thing as I did . Sometimes the man would appear in front of the vehicle and go on running backwards , ( ! ! ) and other times , he would just be following the vehicle closely . According to what he 's heard , this jogger died in a hit - and - run accident and the rogue driver was never found . I guess he 's since taken it upon himself to try and locate his killer , therefore , the hauntings . Finally , when I asked K why she told me so urgently to drive faster when she saw him jogging alongside the road ( after all , I 've seen people jogging late at night , it 's nothing unusual ) , she told me this . . . " Because I already saw him jogging along the MAIN road even before we entered the curvy road . At first I didn 't think much of it , but when I saw him again inside , I knew that there was no way any human being could run that quickly , so that was when I told you to speed up . " I 've since done quite a bit of research on places with paranormal activity and now avoid them like the plague ! Don 't want to make the same mistake again ! ! " " Looking back after 34 years , I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the house I grew up in on Main Street of Pine Island , Minnesota , was not haunted . . . Any creepy feelings or strange bump - in - the - night memories can now easily be explained away by casting the blanket of " overactive child 's imagination " over the incident . Except , of course , for one particular incident . . . I turned my head to the left , and there , at the side of my bed , was a small , thin , human head , approximately six inches away from my face , with it 's chin resting on the side of my mattress . I have always known exactly what a rabbit feels when it quits breathing and becomes still as a stone when confronted with danger , because that is precisely what I did . I felt my skin grow cold and for the first ( and up to now , the last ) time in my life , when I experienced pure terror . My bladder released itself but I didn 't move a muscle . . . didn 't blink . . . didn 't even want to breathe . I remember the head had very pale , pasty skin with lips that were pulled up away from the very human looking teeth as if they were dried out . The hair was black , coarse , and lank , but I remember individual hairs sticking up on the top , like a person who hasn 't combed their hair in a very long time . I could see the moonlight glinting off the whites of the left eye , but the right eye was in shadow . The irises were just dark . After a time , which must have been only seconds , I was able to gather up enough courage to close my eyes . At this point , I remember saying silently to myself over and over again " please go please go please go please go . . . " There was a barely perceptible whisper of movement on the mattress and with it , the cold fear disappeared . I opened my eyes , and it was gone . I remember moving to the far side of the bed and telling myself to stay awake until dawn , but I cannot say for sure whether or not I made it . " I first moved into the old house in October 1995 . . . It was a rather large place , but not all my own . Built in the 1920 's , the house was eventually split into two duplex homes . On one side was a studio ( where I lived ) , on the other , was a two bedroom town home . The attic to the entire house was sealed off , and was situated directly above my back room , which consisted of a make - shift bedroom , and a dining room . My very first night , I heard creaking above me . It was windy that night , and I figured an attic was an attic , drafty . It sounded as if something was swinging back and forth . I heard the noise on a consistent basis throughout the rest of the fall and winter , so sure that the seasonal elements was the cause of this , at first , disturbing noise , and then later , just annoying . As spring came into existence , warmer weather and calmer winds began settling in . But the creaking still kept on . Eventually , I asked my neighbor , who lived in the town home part of the duplex , if she knew what the mysterious noise was . She said she had not heard the creaking , and her bedroom wall was connected to the sealed off attic . As the years wore on , I grew accustomed the noise , but other things began to take place . . . One night , I awoke to scratching on the inside of my chimney . Deemed a fire hazard , my landlady had the chimney sealed off from the fireplace years ago , so I was assured that whatever creature had gotten inside the chimney , would not get inside my home . When I reported this to her , she informed me that she had the top of the chimney sealed off with cement to ensure the very thing I suspected would not happen . The scratching eventually stopped , but it gave me an uneasy and eerie feeling . On several occasions , I woke up with the feeling of two people standing over me . I had convinced myself that I was just letting my imagination run away with me . I lost lots of sleep over it though . I had a storage closet , which was underneath the stairs of the town home , and on several instances when I knew my neighbor was not home , there was constant running up and down the stairs , like that of a child . My neighbor had no children . I had lived there three years , when one day , I was visiting with my new supervisor at work . She had noticed my address from my employee file , and told me she lived a few houses down twenty five years earlier . She asked me if I lived in the brick house on the corner . When I told her I did , she asked me if I knew the history of the house ? This is what she told me . . . Back in 1926 , a young man built the house for his wife and new born baby boy . Shortly after moving in , his wife died of pneumonia . As the man 's son got older , he had become a very adventurous lad . During the Christmas holidays in 1933 , the boy 's father , and whatever extended family were visiting , awoke to an empty child 's bed . Convinced his son had gone looking for Santa Claus in the middle of the night , ( as he was talking excitedly about him the night before ) the family frantically searched the snowy grounds , calling his name . The boy was not found . . . that day . In the evening , trying to get him to relax , the man 's sister started a fire in the fireplace to warm the house up . As the fire blazed larger , brighter , hotter , twigs and small branches and leaves began falling into the fireplace from where that had become trapped inside the chimney . The family , gathered in the dining room , heard a loud crash , and went racing into the parlor . There , in the dark pit of the fireplace , was the body of a young boy . It was the man 's son . The forceful elements of the fire had loosened his body from the confines of the chimney . There was no physical evidence that the boy had met with foul play , and was quickly disposed of as such , so his death was ruled accidental . It was determined , that the boy may have attempted to climb the chimney in pursuit of Santa Claus , and simply got stuck and suffocated . Years would pass since the tragic accident of the boy in the chimney . One fall day in 1962 , the local police received a call from a woman , claiming she had not seen her neighbor for nearly two weeks . If he had gone away , he would have told her so she could watch over the house . It worried her that his car was still in the driveway . She explained that he was a lonely old man who had lost his wife and son in separate tragedies many years ago . The police arrived to investigate his house . The search found no one home . As the police were leaving , the neighbor asked if they had checked the attic . It was an odd attic , as it was a part of the second floor , and not at the very top of the house , like most attics . It was hard to catch , because the door to the attic was inside one of the bedrooms , and looked like a closet door . When the police found the attic door , they stepped through , and observed the old man the neighbor had been distraught about . There he was , hanging from the rafters of the attic , and lightly swinging in the drafty fall breezes that filled the attic with coldness . . . and when he swung , there was an eerie , chilling creakiness . " Single mom of two boys , ages 12 & 19 . I am also mommy to a goldfish , a box turtle , and a Jack - Russell puppy . I love all of them dearly ! : )

Posted on February 5 , 2014 by Masha Kubyshina Reply When the taxi left I walked to our apartment building . It started to rain . In the taxi he had turned his head back and waived at me , and I tried to keep my face still . I was crying . I have cried the previous night too . He arrived home from his trip late at night . It was the first time we saw each other since we separated . He sat on the kitchen and ate the soup I have cooked earlier that day for our son . It had piston pasta and it took forever to boil the pasta for the soup . Both of us stood in the kitchen waiting for the pasta to be cooked . Then he ate . It was well after midnight . I asked him how his trip to Rome went . And he told me it was fine . He said he was blessed to have met some very kind and beautiful people there . He also said that he knew that the God would help him and that everything would be fine . I started to tell him about the children , and how our son did something funny last night . And he asked me not to talk about the children . And I stopped . " Even though I think you are making a huge mistake now , I am thankful to you for breaking this marriage , " he said after a while . He spoke slowly , keeping the words calm . " When you told me that you wanted to separate , I felt liberated . For the first time in my life I suddenly felt free from my fears . Since I got to know you and to love you I feared you would leave me . Since the first day of our marriage everything I did was done out of fear . I tried to guess your smallest wishes and to give you everything you had ever asked for , because I told myself that if I did so you would love me . And then I always feared losing you . I became nervous , I got our family in debt , I had anxiety attacks , I built a life that was guided by my fear of you leaving . I could not sleep , I could not act as a person should , I loved you so much . I still do . " I was quiet . My body hurt from a cloud of pain . It was everywhere . A cloud much greater than me . I started to cry . First silently , then abruptly , choking with my own breath . " I think you are committing a huge error in breaking the family . And still I respect your decision . And I admire your strength and your guts . I am thankful . I know you are doing it out of the best intentions for both of us and our children . In Rome , I met some nice people . I had the best time in my life despite the separation . I told them everything and they behaved like people I knew for ages . We became friends . Fourteen years admiring you I forgot how easy it is to get a woman . In Rome every day women would want me . On parties girls would try to make it with me , on a bus station a beautiful Italian started to talk and gave me her phone number . The world is full of women . Of amazing beautiful women who would love to spend their time with me . I am not going to lead a lonely life . The darn thing is that I have seen it all . And there must be no more than two women worth to live or die for . And one of them is you . " He paused , and then added , " And the second one is probably our daughter . " " Everything will be fine . I know you will have an amazing career . I know that it is career that you are leaving me for . You will go to USA and have all these amazing things like cars , books , clothing , good schools , all the fluff of the Bay Area , men , everything . This is why I tried to run away from it all . I wanted to live in Sicily , to have a simple life , just you , our children and our life . But you do not want it . I do not blame you . I am thankful to you for giving me the freedom . Freedom from my fear of losing you . You do not know what it is to suddenly live without fear . Until the last month I did not know it either . " I was not feeling well . I could not breath . I did not argue because there was no point in it . It did not matter if what he said was right or wrong . I went to sleep . It was 3am and I lay in my bed trying to keep my back straight , but it curved , as a sign of protection or weakness . I have never realized how our relationship has been piloted by fear . Fear is the only thing I hated with all my heart now . I rejected it with my body , I fought it with my mind . " Whatever will be , I am not going to live out of fear , " I said to myself . " Never fear anything . " He was packing his suitcases in the guest - room . His plane to the new place was leaving next morning . I listened to his fingers typing and then I heard our daughter moving in her bed . I did not realize when I felt asleep . Kids were excited to see him in the morning . We had breakfast as usual and we took the children to school . He kept a little bit apart when I talked to our son 's teacher about a boy in a class that kept beating our son . I asked the teacher to encourage our son to reply , to say " no " , and to hit back if needed . I did not want him to just run away . Then we left . We went to a grocery store and he got all the things to make a tiramisu . There was a big party at his work that night and he was making tiramisu for forty people . He told me we did not have much money and I should ask my family to help with my and children 's expenses this month . I told him I would . We went back to our apartment . He packed the tiramisu things in his carry - on , took his two suitcases and we went downstairs . He got a taxi on the street corner , put the suitcases in the trunk , and told the taxi driver to go to the airport . We hugged . When the taxi left I walked to our apartment building . It started to rain . Posted on January 31 , 2014 by Masha Kubyshina Reply " It was about 10 : 30am when the sunlight hit the windows . I looked at the roofs of the houses with patches of snow and at the mountains far away . My face and shoulders got hot from the sunlight and I stood motionless looking outside . My husband had left an hour ago and the kids were jumping on the big hotel beds . We needed to checkout before 11am . I turned to our bed and finished packing the suitcase . I closed the zipper . I put the suitcase down and moved it to the door . I turned around and realized I still had a lot to pack . I started with the toy cars on the table , then small airplanes , and books . Those filled the backpack . There were stuffed toys all over the bed . I picked those and put them in a plastic tote bag . Bunnies and bears with their brown feet sticking outside . The bag was moved to the door near the suitcase . I went to the bathroom and picked the toothbrushes and hair pins . There were perfume bottles , mine and of my both children . The makeup , the kids ' towels , the bath toys . I stood puzzled wondering how I managed to get so many things into a hotel bathroom . I packed a box with our bath things . I still had to find space for the kids ' plush towels and bathrobes . I moved to the second bedroom . Books . The books and toys were everywhere . The kids clothes . Brown jackets , black jackets , boots , snow boots , hats , scarfs , jeans . Those were not fitting inside the suitcases . I took some of the bigger items and piled them on the table . I noticed a box with the dolls under the nightstand , a domino game , and a fire - track . I fetched a grocery box and put the toys inside of it . Then , I opened the hotel apartment door and started to move the packed items into the hall . The hotel manager passed by our door and I felt deeply embarrassed by the amount of luggage we had accumulated . I was not tired of packing , I was not stressed , I was not in a hurry . I was profoundly taken aback by the pile of stuff that I have gathered during our stay at the hotel . It was close to 11am when I finished moving all the snow gear and clothing into the hall . I went back to the room and realized I have forgotten the blankets . Two thick wool blankets that we carried for the kids . Those were very expensive , good quality blankets , the ones that are handmade in small Norwegian villages . My family believed those to be the best ones and insisted on taking them with us on our trips . " So that the kids do not get cold in the hotels at nights , " said my mom . I pulled the blankets from under the sheets . I rolled each of them carefully and fit them inside a big suitcase . On top I piled some of the kids clothing . Then , I noticed tea cups on the table and some plates decorated with green dancing bears . We brought those plates from USA , years ago . I put the plates in between of the blankets . It was our third stay in this hotel this year . Each time we stayed for three or four days and occupied the same rooms . It was supposed to be fun , we skied , had dinners and stayed up late . The kids run in the fresh air , did sports and ate crepes for breakfast . Without noticing it , as we had fun , things grew around us . They occupied our time and space . They grew bigger than us , they bankrupted us . Then came the sudden realization of it . " How did you go bankrupt ? " a Hemingway character is asked in The Sun Also Rises . " Two ways , " comes the answer . " Gradually and then suddenly . " So it was with my personal life bankruptcy . I stood in the sunlight in the hotel room and looked at the pile of things to pack . I did not move . All the things were mine . But they were not me . I bought those things . Generation upon generation told me that we needed those . We needed those blankets , those jackets , those books , those cups . And I got them all to keep our house warm . The kids enjoyed using them . The things have served their purpose . Now I was in the middle of the room . Facing the window and the three white bookcases full of books . Behind my back were suitcases , and boxes , and bags . The kids were playing in the main bedroom . " We will just take some books and some toys , " I said to myself . And I stood still . There was a knock on the door and the hotel manager came in and told me it was noon and we needed to leave the room . I told him that we will in couple of minutes . He looked around and did not say anything . He left the door open . I took the books from the bookcases and put them on the table . A pile of books . Then another one next to it . While I was doing this , the sunlight was on my hands . First I felt the warmth , then it burnt my skin . It also brought the forgotten taste of pleasure . Sun touching uncovered skin . I sensed the sweetness under my tongue . I took a pile of books and placed it inside of a brown box . I put another one in . I lifted the box . It was heavy . Still I could carry it to the car . I heard the kids ' voices from the other room . They were playing a game . I told them I would load the car and be back . They jumped down to kiss me and continued what they were doing . Outside the air was fresh . The snow crisped under my feet . I opened the car trunk and placed the books there . There was enough space for a suitcase and couple of bags . The white metal of the trunk was cold . I put my hand on it to see the thin layer of snow melt around my fingers . Then I headed back to the hotel to pick up the kids and couple of more things . " I should ask the kids if they want their blankets during the trip . " At the half past twelve we went down the hall . I handed the keys to the hotel manager , smiled and the three of us left the hotel . " It is cold on the street . We would enter a cafe and kids would order a cake or doughnut and I would get my coffee . Then they would ask to open the bag with the Christmas ornaments . And I would tell them that we should wait till we get home , as they could break them easily here . They both would agree and start singing or drawing something on the paper napkins of the cafe . Drawing small flowers and hearts and themselves dancing . I would look at them , smile and without fully realizing it I would start drawing with them too . She saw him first . It was October and she was walking with the other passengers to the aircraft . Her flight to Munich was scheduled to depart at nine twenty five . The flight attendant led them to a small white airplane . It was dark and the yellow lights illuminated the dotted lines on the field . She saw an airplane taxied to its dock . She saw workers unloading luggage into the carts . Then she saw him . He was walking with a group of passengers from a flight that has just landed . He looked tired and it was dark where he walked . She stopped and at that moment he also saw her . They stood for a second , then walked towards each other . She moved closer to him . She felt his lips on her hair , then on her forehead . Her hands were touching his face . Her fingers on his skin sensing the weightless print of years that have passed since she last saw him . She slid her fingers under his chin . They looked at each other . Silently , winning over the strong wind , his lips touched hers . Not a glimpse of tiredness . The tenderness of unknown victory . The victory over the past years . Over the short emails , calls , random conversations around midnight . The victory over the weeks of silence when life was too busy or too much to handle . She looked at him softly pressing her hand to his cheekbone . He kissed it . They stood in silence . One more minute . Vividly aware of the presence of their bodies they omitted the words . Resting her face on his cheek , she thought that words , especially love words , were empty shells . One walked on them on the beach and they made cracking noises . What mattered was that now they stood so close to each other . His hands around her . She looked at the dark airfield . The beginning of a dotted line . One dot after another and the line did not have an end . " And if this line has an end the wind must take you up into the air before you reach it , " she thought and fixed her eyes on the line . " I have to go , " her lips touched his ear . She made an intent to move away . Her ring got caught in the brown wool of his sweater . She untied it with special care and once more caressed his cheekbone . He kissed her , and the moment she left his lips were brushed by the wind . His face was numb from the cold October air . She did not turn back until she got to the aircraft door . Then , up on the stairs , she looked in his direction . He knew she was watching him . He wanted to smile , but could not . He waved at her instead . She waved back and went inside the aircraft . He turned and headed to the airport building . The wind blew hard against his face . Seconds later , pushing the cold glass of the rolling door he entered the empty hall . Everything was quiet . Outside the wind was sweeping over the dotted line . " Bzem - bzem ! " cried my two - year - old son , as we were the first in line to enter the aircraft . Bzem - bzem was his little Easter egg . He kept carrying it with him everywhere . He got it earlier that spring from his grandmother . When the Easter box from Russia arrived , it was full of nicely wrapped chocolates , stuffed bunnies and small toys . In the midst of that newly arrived Easter brightness my son saw a little wooden egg carefully wrapped in the soft tissue paper . He picked the egg and ran away , holding it tightly in his little hand . He did not know how to talk then , and he called it " bzem - bzem " , as the sound resembled the one that an egg makes when you brake it over the edge of a bowl . In the following weeks he did not let his Easter egg alone , not for a second . He ate with it , slept with it , took it with him on our walks and played with it . The egg lost its original shiny colors and a blue silk bow it came with . It became used to the little hands , little pockets and little boxes , where my son would put it . It received a lot of little kisses at night . And now we have lost it . We were standing the first in the line to board our plane to Amsterdam , and my son cried " bzem - bzem ! " and right away I got this hollow feeling of having lost something . He was playing with it at the airport cafeteria before we checked in , he must have left it there . I asked the flight attendant , who was about to let us in to the plane , if I would have time to go to the cafeteria with my son to look for his toy . No , we did not have enough time . The plane was leaving in ten minutes and we were boarding . She was very sorry , she asked what kind of a toy it was . " It is a small wooden egg , with its paint almost off . Not bigger than a real egg , " I told the lady in blue . I also told it to myself , to make sure I understand that it would be impossible to recover it . " I think in the cafeteria before the check - in . Or may be in the play corner right after the check - in , " there were about forty tables in that cafeteria , full of people and carts and food . I handed our boarding passes to the lady and we walked to the plane . We both liked flying . We looked through the small window at the people entering the plane , at the cars servicing other airplanes , and at the airport workers in their bright security vests . It was windy . The bluish mountains on the background and the wind . It was cold in Trondheim in May . " I believe this is yours ? " the flight attendant approached my son and handed him his Easter egg . " We called the cafeteria and they were able to find it . They sent a person directly to the plane to make sure it flies with you , " and she smiled at my son . I thanked her . I pressed myself a little bit harder into the seat to keep calm . Somebody out there cared so much about something so small and unimportant . The painful seconds of silence , and a smile . I thanked the flight attendant again . The plane took off . My son was looking at the houses and cars , as those were becoming smaller and smaller under us . Then the mountains became small too . His little fingers holding tightly his wooden bzem - bzem . Posted on February 28 , 2013 by Masha Kubyshina 1 " We stood with Sally in front of the corner arts store and then my 2 year old threw his half eaten cookie to the pigeon . For a while after that , every time we passed that street corner , my son would point his finger and say , " Pigeon " . And I would think of Sally , " he finished the sentence and looked across the room where Steve was sitting . " Almost not , " he waited for a while then continued . " Well , I saw her one more time , at a fair . It was crowded and we almost did not get time to talk . She was thirsty and I accompanied her outside to get a bottle of water . She got two . We stood for a minute at the building entrance not knowing what to do , then somebody from her team saw her and she got pulled inside . I waited a little bit and walked to the parking lot . It would not make any sense to go in again , " he felt silent . " I do not know . Everything is fine . You know , " and he pointed his chin towards the kids ' room . " Nick is healthy and growing , all of us are fine , and I think that at the end this is all that matters . Right ? " " It is good . Very good , actually . I like our team and , also I have been meeting some amazing people lately . Really , met couple of other guys involved in what we do and they turned out to be smart . We became kind of friends . What else ? I guess I am really into the projects we are running . Keeps me busy . Keeps me thinking about things that matter , " he felt silent . It was raining and every time there was silence in the room they could hear the raindrops hit the windows and the cars on the street . It was late . After a while Steve took his sweater and walked to the guest - room . He was staying over . He was his best friend and they have not seen each other for a while . Next morning Steve left . He had to catch his plane back home . They had breakfast together , he watched him pack . He stood in the middle of the doorway and tried to be helpful . Then he opened the door , hugged Steve , they both said how great it was to see each other after all this time . Steve left . He closed the door and turned the key twice . He walked across the hall , stopped at the window . He looked at the rain for a while not hearing anything , just watching . Then he shook his head and tried to put his mind back to work . Talking about Sally the day before did not do him any good . " Never share anything with anybody , " he thought to himself . Steve asked and he talked . That was it . Steve was his best friend and he wanted to talk . He did not know it would be painful . Not until now . " This is life . And there is nothing else to it . " No . He did not smile this time . He said it very quietly , watching the raindrops fall . This was on Sunday . And now it was Thursday and it was raining again . Almost a week has passed . Lot 's of work got done , meetings , planning , talking , writing . And now it was Thursday night and he was tired . He walked to the dining table in the middle of the room and looked at the paperwork that was piled on it . His son 's enrollment to the preschool on the top . He signed the forms and put them inside a brand - new envelope . He placed the envelope on the kitchen table . He should not forget to mail it tomorrow . Then he opened his laptop and looked at the sites he used to read . He went through a new article about compassion and judgment and then switched to the conversion rates review . Then , he looked for the store where he and his wife bought all the things for Nick , and searched for backpacks . Nick will need a backpack for preschool . He liked the one with the orange robots on it , but the small size was out of stock . He called the customer service and they gave him the number of the store that still had it . He called the store and placed an order for the backpack . A small blue robot backpack . All in all it took about 15 minutes . He kept looking at the image of the backpack on his computer screen hoping for a vague feeling of satisfaction . He tried to imagine the excitement that Nick would feel when he sees the backpack . And he felt silent . The rain was falling heavily outside of the window panes . Its noise distracted him . He looked outside , peacefully , and after a while thought to himself , " This can 't be all there is to life . I know life is much more than that . It really is . " You wake up in the morning . You go down the stairs and once on the street you realize that you are a fish . There is nothing weird about it . You feel the movement of the water around your body and its pressure . And your body moves very slowly , following the water . And the street noises and the voices are not there any more . Your ears hear some inner sounds and light taps of the water against your face . You do not move forward fast , you mostly move down . A little bit in diagonal . Your body is still prone to gravity that your mind has not entirely forgotten . You assume that everybody had became a fish and you expect to see other fishes soon . But you do not . You are alone . You do not try to talk , instead you use all your strength to sustain the pressure of the water on your body . There is no pain , just the heaviness of each molecule that surrounds you . This heaviness in glued to your skin now . You intend to breath , but your lungs do not need air . You waste the intent . You release the weight that your body still holds . Then you reach the bottom . You have no feet to walk or push yourself up towards the surface . You are a fish , but you keep forgetting it . Your mind still wonders why did you ever tried to reach the bottom and looks for the reasons , but your body is already taking you up . You need to find this space in the water where the pressure is equal from all the sides . Then you can surrender . Water becomes part of you and you obey it . You can close your eyes and rest . As a fish you do not have any dreams . You just feel that every part of your body is part of the water too . You are part of it all and you move with it . Slowly , precisely ; Sliding among the noises of the dreams . Gregori nodded and looked towards where Anton pointed with his chin . When he first heard La Castanyera , for some reason , he thought of a dancer with castanets . But following Anton 's look he quickly realized that the other referred to the woman who was roasting and selling chestnuts on the street . " So , this is how they call them here , " he thought to himself . And he looked at La Castanyera for a while , following her hands , not losing any detail on how she kept the coals burning and how she made the paper cones out of an old newspaper , and how she stacked them one inside the other on one side of the booth , waiting for the rare customers . " Must be a lonely job to be staying like that all day long , " thought Gregori . Couple of school - age boys stopped in front of the coal burner and got a bag of chestnuts . Laughing , they run away . It was late night and Gregori was sitting in his living room and writing emails . Then it started to rain . First a few heavy drops , and then the rain formed a wall between his window and the rest of the world and absorbed all the sounds that ever existed outside of his living room . He paused his typing and listened . Then he thought about the woman who was selling chestnuts on the plaza . " What did she do when it started to rain like that ? " he looked outside of the window , but he could not see the corner of the plaza where he knew the woman would be staying . " La Castanyera , " he slowly pronounced the new word . Gregori took his umbrella and went down the stairs . It was not cold outside . Just dark and rainy . The raindrops glistered under the traffic lights . He crossed the street and walked around the plaza . La Castanyera was not there . He felt some kind of relief knowing that the old woman was not getting wet under the rain . The clock on the church struck quarter past eleven . " It is probably too late for her , " it occurred to him . Gregori had not realized the hour it was till the moment he heard the church clock strike . He stood for couple of more minutes on the plaza , spinning slowly on one foot for no reason . He was alone . He touched the puddle with the tip of his shoe and smiled at the ripples his shoe made . Then he slowly went home . Moving his feet carefully , from the heel to the tip , as if he was walking on a wave . It was raining . And then he knew what he really wanted : to be sitting with Amanda back - to - back and eating roasted chestnuts . They would just sit like that and laugh and eat chestnuts . And the chestnuts , the dark , almost black chestnuts with the cut in the center , would be slightly burning their fingertips . He imagined that they would sit in some autumn field , with the high wheat around them and it would be about to rain and the sky would be dark blue and the wheat very yellow . And they would sit in the middle of this field and just eat chestnuts , talk and laugh . Amanda would probably wear one of her long - sleeved wool sweaters and she would hide her fingers in the sleeves and take the chestnuts through the thick wool , so as to not burn herself . And they would make jokes about it . And the words would have no weight at all and the sounds would fly , caught in the wind , as soon as they would pronounce them . The words would barely have enough time to touch their ears and disappear , like the bells disappear from the laughter way before the person stops laughing . And he knew that this would make him happy . And he went to bed . He was laying on his pillow and imagining chestnuts and Amanda , and listening to the raindrops ' heaviness . When he woke up the next morning it was still raining . At short intervals the rain would stop and the sun would come out . And all the streets would look new and inviting in the sunlight of the morning rush . Walking to his office , Gregori gazed at the elegant silver pattern on the pavements . And with the rhythm of his own steps , through that morning mist , came the memory of his dreams about the roasted chestnuts and Amanda . Then later on he called her from the office and asked if she wanted to get out for dinner that evening . But she was busy at work , and besides her family had some kids ' birthday party in the afternoon that they needed to go to and then it would be too late anyway . May be some other time . Gregori was fine with that . " If she could get out , she would , " he thought to himself . His back rested on his chair . He bit his lip and threw his head back . He did not think of anything . It was raining heavily and he listened . Then he smiled with the corner of his lips , and started to bite on his fingernail . Then he stopped . A nasty habit he was getting rid of . " Ok , she is busy . I need to move on with my work too , " he glanced at the window one more time and turned his head towards his laptop . His fingers started typing slowly . He wrote one more sentence . It was the new client 's contract that he was working on when he called Amanda . Gregori stopped , deleted the last line he wrote . Then reread what he had so far and deleted it all . " I will start it all anew , it will be better that way , " and Gregori started typing the contract details again . " Well , you never know . But yes , mostly , children . Sometimes tourists . Sometimes couples . Sometimes just people like you . Hay de todo , " said La Castanyera " Thank you . No . I am fine . I am used to it , besides , the coals keep me warm , " and the lady pointed to the coal burner . He did not go home . He just strolled down the street with the warm paper cone in his hands and the smell of roasted chestnuts on his skin . He breathed the smell . It occurred to him that this smell had not changed at all with years . These chestnuts smelled exactly the same as the ones his dad used to buy him in fall in Paris . " How come the smell does not change at all , " he mindlessly asked himself without really asking . " So in twenty years from now the people will buy a dozen of chestnuts and the smell will be exactly the same as the one that enchants me now . And the same that enchanted me as a kid on the streets of Paris . And they will like it the same way and think about the moments from their childhood , and how they were in love and how they were laughing and kissing when it was raining . And then , later on , they will remember all that and just smile and stroll down the street with the paper cone filled with the twelve chestnuts . And the smell will be always the same . Every year buying the same roasted chestnuts and thinking of all the good memories they bring . And then it does not make any sense that the roasted chestnuts smell the same when you are in love and when you are just walking silently on your own . Even if you smile or sing , " Gregori was thinking to himself , " and so , this is all there is to it . " Once at home Gregori opened a bottle of red and ate the chestnuts on the small coffee table in the living room . He worked carefully on the first one to make sure that he peels it right , he bit into it and chewed a small piece and drank some wine . " Well , it is just a chestnut . It is a good one though , " and he finished it . Then he opened his laptop and automatically checked his mail and started writing his agenda for the next day . He peeled and ate some more chestnuts , not paying any more attention to them , as he was already absorbed by a conversation with somebody from Nebraska , somebody who could give him a few good tips on his business . Amanda called on Sunday and said they could meet on Monday if he did not have any other plans for that day . Gregori said that he did not have any and asked where they should meet . Finally they agreed that he would pick her up on the corner of her office in the downtown at six . That worked fine for both of them and they talked for a little while about life and small things that were going on . They joked in between of the daily routine questions and light smiles tapped on his cheeks . It was good talking to her . As good as when they just started seeing each other . Gregori was in a very good mood and he sat down on his sofa and typed the metrics report that was long overdue . This time the work went smooth and easy and his fingers moved on the keyboard like that of a pianist preforming his favorite piece . " What an amazing woman Amanda is . It will be nice to see her tomorrow , " Gregori thought to himself once the work has been done and he was able to relax . But then it was too late and he was too tired to think of anything else , and he felt the urge to lay down and sleep right there on the leather sofa in his living room . He opened the window , turned off the lights , took his clothes off and lay on the sofa pulling the plaid to his chest . He heard the vespas roaring on the street , and people talking on one of the balconies . Somebody was having a late barbeque on a Sunday night , and then the window flapped , and the voices of two young men were discussing something arduously . Somebody opened a cava bottle and all the exclamations were shisshed and everybody said " brindis " and there was silence . Amanda 's smile flew in front of his eyes and he could not remember how the chestnuts smell . He tired hard to imagine the smell , to recall it from his childhood , but he could not . Amanda smiled to him , the window flapped once again and he dreamt of the waves his fingers produced when he typed . He was sleeping . He picked up Amanda at six , as they have agreed . He was couple of minutes late and she was already waiting for him on the corner . He apologized and she said it was fine . She never made any trouble out of anything . It was that easy with her . He touched her hand and she did not pull it away . And they walked like that , holding hands a little bit and talking nonsense and laughing lightly . " Chestnuts . Roasted chestnuts and you . And I thought we just got some roasted chestnuts and we ate them together and laughed . And you were very pretty eating chestnuts . " They walked for a while till they saw the chestnut stand on the street . It was getting cold and windy . He could see that Amanda was cold , even though she said she was fine . He put his jacket over her shoulders and passed his arm under the jacket . " Thank you , " said Gregori . The woman did not reply or smile back . She turned her back to them again and concentrated on something inside the booth . " Yes , just was told so couple of days ago . But this was not even La Castanyera , it was just an upset woman selling chestnuts . She did not have La Castanyera spirit . Anyway . " Amanda smiled . And they stopped to open the paper cone package and Amanda touched his face and kissed him . Gently and almost intangibly , like only she knew how . They stood for couple of minutes on the street kissing , with the warm chestnut package in his hand . Sometimes the wind would blow her hair over his face and he would hold it back with his free hand . Quietly . He liked its touch . They walked a little bit more , eating warm chestnuts , one by one , together . Talking lightly about what was going on in their lives . Sometimes they laughed , sometimes he kissed her on the forehead , and all the words were weightless and not prone to gravity . And the wind occasionally blew her hair over his chin and he did not think of anything at all , except that he knew he was happy . He left Amanda close to her house and took a taxi to his place . It started to rain lightly . His hands were still holding the paper cone with the leftover chestnuts , his face was smiling emotionlessly , and his eyes were not noticing the streets they drove through . The driver made a comment about the weather , but Gregori only nodded and said , " yeah " . For a while he sat quietly on the back seat of the yellow and black taxicab , his tired back resting on the brown leather of the cushion , his hand touching his chin . Then he slowly closed his eyes and took a deep breath . With the breath came the smell of the roasted chestnuts . The plane was landing in the Amsterdam airport . It was dark and rainy outside . Almost Christmas . A line of wet trees surrounded by the yellow lights grinned somewhere below . Rain was falling in solid glistering lines , creating an unnecessary link between the clouds and the lights of the airport . Lara sat with her husband and their two kids in the last row . Lightly pressing her forehead against the small oval window she watched the nonchalant love dialog between the rain and the trees . The flight attendant was saying something in Dutch , which sounded sharp and fresh like the night itself . Lara could not understand a word . A string of unknown sounds flowed joyfully from the young and elegant woman , dressed all in blue and with a professional welcoming smile . Resting on this pillow of foreign words , Lara drifted in her own thoughts when she was surprised by the phrase " Walnut trees for Christmas " and then after some more Dutch , " darling " . The flight attendant continued speaking Dutch , and Lara realized that the English words she heard were just a string of similarly sounding Dutch words . And that most probably those words meant something completely different . " Walnut trees for Christmas , darling , " Lara repeated to herself . " It sounds beautiful " . The plane landed . Lara and her family proceeded to the airport building crossing a small triangle of wet asphalt . They still had almost an hour to catch their connecting flight to Barcelona . And while they walked , the cold Amsterdam air , the rain and those five magical words engaged into an obscure and passionate dance , startling to strangers and at the same time so akin to the festive Christmas spirit . On the New Year 's Eve it was well after midnight when Lara and John got to the downtown . They started walking from the top of Passeig de Gracia and down towards Las Ramblas . They were almost silent . People around were celebrating , dancing , shouting and drinking wine on the streets . People walking . And more people sitting on the benches , on the steps of the buildings , on the terrazza 's , all happy and ecstatic . A man passed by with a cardboard box full of freshly baked croissants . His party was waiting him around the corner , waving , laughing and making faces . Lara remembered how with her friends , while still in college , they used to get those boxes of croissants on Saturday nights , after all dancing places closed at 5am and there was nothing else to do on the recently cleaned streets . On those mornings Barcelona was about the smell of flowers from the street vendors who were opening their booths . It was about the smell of the wet pavements , the cool breeze from the sea and the box of freshly baked croissants . They would sit on the steps of some old building and laugh and eat them before the first coffee places would open at 6am . This was many years ago . And now she was walking with John through this festive city . Both , her husband and her very silent . Sometimes making remarks of people they saw , of what people said or how they looked . People talking French around them . Lara had never seen so many French people in Barcelona . " This year must be unique , it was never like that before " , she thought . She was already asked twice to give directions in French and she manage it decently with the help of gestures , maps and smiles . She loved France and French , however , at that moment so many French people around the downtown annoyed her . She was feeling tense . Almost like walking through an unknown city . " Besame , besame mucho , como si fuera aquella la ultima vez " . Somebody was singing . Clearly . Wonderfully . Each word perfect and transparent and full of strength of a passionate voice . The group of three people , one of whom was singing , passed by and walked in front of them for some time . Lara and John , without noticing it , followed the trio , wanting to hear more of the song . And there was no end to it , the man started singing the same song again . Passionately , purposefully , wonderfully . And then they lost the trio in the crowd in front of the opera house and kept on wandering through the streets of the city . Celebrating . Walking . It was around 2am and the mass was going on in one of the churches , and John wanted to enter the church . So they did . A choir of monks were singing the mass . Lara and John stood at the entrance for some minutes and then John impulsively took Lara 's hand and pulled her out of the church . " Those people really do it because they believe in God , we should not spoil their service by our presence , " he said abruptly and they proceeded through the crowded street . Lara knew what he meant , but she would have preferred to stay in the church for couple of more minutes . May be for the whole mass . Just to stay there and listen . She did not understood the majority of the songs , but the sounds of the chant cleaned some inner routes in her chest and made her feel fresh and unbroken . But they were already on the street and John was making his way to the plaza . They both knew this cafe very well . They have went there numerous times after the opera or ballet performances . From what they could recall it was always open . It was right in front of the opera house . Sometimes Lara wondered if it ever closed at all . Now they were walking back . Through the crowd , passed the church , right turn into Las Ramblas and right into the cafe . They sat at their usual spot , not in the big baroque room deep inside , but closer to the bar . All the tables around were empty . Lara wondered why the place was so unusually silent . " Well , it is passed 3am , " said John , " Besides , people are drinking and dancing now . Or may be going home already . " He ordered coffee and wine and some olives . They sat next to each other looking at the street through the decorated cafe windows and at their own reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall . Then , before they knew it another couple was sitting at the table in front of them . They were having some coffee and cake . Sitting silently next to each other and looking at the street and around them . The woman , Lara could tell she was Spanish , looked beautiful . In her forties , dressed in an expensive black suit , with some elegant jewelry and a nice watch . Her hair was black and smooth , her makeup was almost invisible , her pose relaxed and contemplative . The intangible sadness of her eyes only added an exquisite touch to her beauty . A faint smile did not curve her lips , but sparkled in the pupils of her eyes . A moment later Lara thought that this was one of the most beautiful women she ever saw . The woman looked at Lara . She did not smile , she did not acknowledge Lara 's presence . She simply did not notice her . She was drinking her coffee and contemplating the life around the cafe . Life where Lara and John did not exist . The counter . The walls . The mirror . Lara could not take her eyes off that woman . " This is what I will be like in ten years from now , " it suddenly occurred to her . The thought was not appealing . With all the beauty that woman possessed , there was something awkward about her . " Her pupils reflected no spirit . No purpose . You could not hear laughs inside this woman 's eyes , " Lara thought . " This woman would not be able to sing that Besame Mucho song , she had no voice , no rhythm , no passion . " Then Lara looked at the man who was accompanying the woman . Her husband . They both had wedding rings on their fingers . The man was elegant . Also dressed in a dark suit , with a nice gabardine spread across an empty chair . In his mid forties . Some grey hair added nobleness to his forehead . His hands were delicate and polished . " The hands of a highly sensitive man . An artist , maybe , " Lara thought . He is stunningly beautiful too . Very polite and gentlemanlike . " They are a beautiful couple . " The man was eating the cake and drinking the coffee . He was mostly silent . Sometimes making some inaudible remarks to his wife . To the beautiful woman with the black hair sitting next to him . And then silence again . You could hear voices of the people on the street , and the ringing sounds of the cash register and the steps of the waiters going up the stairs . Empty coffee cups and wine glasses made noise when the waiter placed them on the counter . Somebody was serving a drink . The door upstairs closed and a woman with a large umbrella walked through the door . And the decorative Christmas bells on the walls danced and clicked every time somebody rushed down the stairs . Click , click , click . Almost like a heartbeat . People were always going up and down the stairs . And the coffee was burnt and it left a bitter taste under the tongue after you swallowed it . " Why do the people always go up and down the stairs " , Lara wondered . Click . She placed her cup back on the saucer and touched the dried coffee foam with her finger . The foam had a beautiful walnut color . " Walnut trees , " Lara thought , " where did I hear this lately ? " And a faint smile spread on her lips . " Have you noticed this couple sitting in front of us all this time . Very beautiful couple , " John said to Lara once they were back on the street . " I think they were like us , " John continued . " I was thinking this all the time we were there . Have not you noticed it ? " " What ? " Lara said . She did not hear the exact words , but she knew what he was asking . " Well . May be . I do not know . " " You are so beautiful . Hundred times more beautiful than the woman at the cafe . You know you are . You just were dressed very similarly to her , this is why I thought you were like her , " and John stopped in the middle of the street , put his arm around her waist and kissed her . " All will be just fine , darling . " And they walked silently side by side on the busy street of this Mediterranean city . The festivities were still going on , but the first cleaning trucks had already arrived . Wet pavements and the cool sea breeze . The fresh smell of the cold water on the first morning of the year . " I guess I just do not understand something . And John is right , everything will be just fine , " Lara thought to herself when they were getting into a taxi cab . And she thought of the walnut trees and what could it mean " Walnut trees for Christmas , " that is , if it meant anything at all . Leo went down to the street . It was 8pm . He walked passed by the shoe storefront and the bakery and turned the corner towards the grocery store . His steps echoed steadily on the pavement . Fresh air of the evening did him good . He smiled to his own thoughts and worded one of the ideas that was rounding in his head since he started reading the new book this morning . Wording came easily this time and he felt happy with the result . " May be happiness does not exist , but I feel truly happy right now , " he thought . " I love the beauty of the people around me . The streets . The quietness of the tall apartment buildings . The kids on the playgrounds . Old people having their coffee outside . All of them sharing their small problems . Talking . The moon . I do like the moon over here . I notice it every night from the balcony . These people do not know how silently beautiful this place is . " " … and you know , I have her on my mind . Every day . It 's just not going away . What a rotten … " , he did not hear the rest of the sentence . Two men sitting at the coffee table outside were talking . One was sharing his worries with the other . Complaining . Leo stopped and made a puzzled face and looked at them for a second . Just two Spaniards . You see them everywhere . He kept on walking . The grocery store was on the next block . " Spanish people are always complaining , " he said to himself . Leo has lived in Spain long enough to know all about complaining . He used to complain before too . Then he stopped . He believed complaining never gets you anywhere . And he had a strong enough willpower to change his habits . And he was proud of it . Leo never said it out loud , not even to Lisa , his wife . But he was very proud of himself . Then he was busy too . When you are busy and the things are going well you do not complain . You have enough great things to talk about and not to complain . But now , overhearing this bit of the conversation filled him with emptiness . Emptiness as heavy as steel . He remembered his old college friend Noah . When was the last time he talked to him ? Two years ago . May be less . No . More . More than two years ago . A thin needle stitching years in his chest . He slowed down . The pain washed away with a deep breath leaving three thousand unpronounced words stacked in his throat . Then he clearly felt what he wanted : to be sitting with Noah in some cafe and telling him all the same words he just heard . These and others he never pronounced in front of anybody . Can you really say you pronounce something , if you only tell it to yourself in the darkness of the empty streets ? No . Leo did not think so . It makes no sense to lie to oneself . He looked at his cell phone and found Noah 's number . " Should I call him ? I can fly there tomorrow morning and spend a weekend with Noah . " He felt the warm sweetness under his tongue . This is how a well made freshly grounded coffee felt . This is how he thought talking to Noah would feel . He could tell him everything . He could tell him everything and be himself . And not be judged . Be understood . And like the last time they saw each other Noah would tell him " … and whatever you decide to do in your life , I will think that you are right . " . Yes . He will call Noah tonight and get on the first plane tomorrow . It was just an hour flight . He was sure Lisa and the kids would be fine without him for couple of days . At the end , he always spent all his free time with them . And Lisa herself always told him to spend some days with Noah away from home . He was very happy about his sudden decision . He felt some sort of kind impulse towards these two Spaniards at the cafe . He almost turned back , wanting to find their table and tell them something nice and smile . But then he knew this would be awkward . So he kept walking down the street feeling a warm cloud dwelling inside his chest . Something he last time felt when he was close to her . Last time . Maybe it was years ago . Leo entered the grocery store . What was that Lisa asked to buy ? Yes , a chocolate bar , apples , cucumbers and sparkling water . August was always hot in Barcelona . They were drinking tons of sparkling water . He made his way through the aisles . He stood for a while in front of the chocolate bars , not knowing which one to get . He forgot which one she asked for this time . He called Lisa . He took three of the ones she wanted . " Enough for the weekend , " he thought . Then he also picked one of his favorites . Dark chocolate with orange pieces . He looked at it for a while . Put it in his basket . Then took it out , looked at it again and ended placing it carefully back on the shelf . " I should keep myself in shape . I must look good , " he thought to himself . Some other thoughts were crawling in his mind too , but he stopped himself and instead remembered that on the phone he promised Lisa to tell her something exciting once he gets back home . And the childish happiness of the decision invaded him again , this time with a more powerful grip . Happy he went to the wine aisle and read through the Italian labels . He was looking for that sweet sparkling wine they had in Rome last month . It was a red wine , so mild that it never got you drunk ; Fresh and young it woke you up and made you instantly open to the next layer of sensitiveness . When Leo got out of the grocery store he was empty and salient . The decision was still there and the enthusiasm of seeing Noah has not diminished . But the cloud of cool and calm air pressured him and his silence . The rim of the cold night breeze touched his eyes making him blind and lonely for a split of a second . And he thought about the book . Not the business one he was reading now , but the one he got at the Oslo airport last April . When the runway was icy , and the white strings of cold snow and ice seemed to scratch the dim air and it was scary and fascinating to look at . His flight was delayed and he got this book , " Eleven Kinds of Loneliness " by Richard Yates . He sat at the airport cafe , in front of a young woman in a black wool sweater . He read the book and looked at her . From time to time . She mildly reminded him of someone else . Of someone he loved . And he looked at her and wished she would never leave . He wished her flight would be delayed too and they both would just sit on the opposite ends of this small cafe in the snowy airport and read their books . At the end may be they were not that different . May be they could talk and have a glass of wine together . She might agree if he invited her . He looked outside of the window . It was dark and the freshly fallen snow gleamed under the bright airport lights . There were footprints outside of the window . A couple of people must have passed by in the last hour . Still distinguishable , but without their pristine neatness , footprints looked almost intangible . He wanted to think that while he was reading there was a wedding outside and the footprints were that of the bride and the groom . They just got married and walked to the first airplane they saw and flew somewhere . Without guests , food or music . A perfect wedding . Perfect like the freshly fallen snow . Perfect like something that never happens . The woman in the black wool sweater was gone . Leo stared at the empty chair where she was sitting before . Then he slowly moved his head down , his eyes catching the end of the story he was reading and his fists clenching so hard that his nails left its marks on the book cover , right on the man in a light brown suit . " I am fine , " Leo said in a low voice . He was walking back home carrying grocery bags in his left hand . He thought about his life . " Amazing life , " as he used to refer to it himself . His lips smiled as he whispered " amazing " in the night air . An old habit of his , the word " amazing " always made him smile . It will be fine to see Noah , and talk to him and tell him everything . Everything he only shares with himself at nights , when he lays in their bed and suddenly feels miles away from everybody . No human soul except himself . And a rye field beneath him and he is flowing in the air , right over it . And he can feel the whisper of the rye , and the light touch of the sun on his skin . And no weight in his body . And he can think about absolutely anything then . About her , him and about the rest of the world in terms of intact silence , blue sky and immense lightness . Leo thought of calling Noah from the street before he gets home . He hesitated in front of the door and finally entered the building . " I must talk to Lisa first , " he told himself . The marble floors and polished mirrors in the hall echoed his rightness . He left the groceries in the kitchen . Poured two glasses of red sparkling wine , for Lisa and himself . Left one glass on the coffee table and silently proceeded to the balcony to call Noah . On the balcony he looked at the moon , drunk half a glass in one sip and started dialing Noah 's number . Then he put the cellphone back into his pocket and leaned on the rail . He clenched his fists , and hardened the muscles on his face , as if he was undergoing some impossible hardship . Leo stood like this for a while not thinking anything .

February 21 , 2017March 13 , 2017Posted in RoomLeave a comment After a few weeks , Dick felt the tests become more tolerable and even began to look forward to the break from the suffocating atmosphere of the room . He had been repeating the same exercises every day for hours on end to prove to Ra 's that his performance the first day wasn 't a fluke . The first few days were the hardest , but as soon as he got into the routine of working out the feeling of exhaustion was replaced by the excitement of leaping from one platform to another . Even the challenge of working his body to its limits was replaced by a feeling of pride at the surprised looks on the lower level servants ' faces . It felt like the primal acrobat in Dick , the one who had been learning to move his body in ways regular humans would marvel at since he could walk , finally had enough room to move around again . Even more than exercising and showing off to Ra 's subjects , Dick wanted to take the opportunities out from the room to learn more about where exactly they were . He thought that if he could catch some glimpse of the world outside the walls , recognize any of the plants , animals , or climate , he figure out what part of the globe the compound was located in . At this point any information would be better than none and get him one step closer to finding a way out . Dick tried to see something through the bag over his face any time he was being moved and he tried to convince some of the servants that worked around the compound to let him outside for a few minutes but it was all to no avail . That was the routine for a few weeks , Dick going through the exercises and trying to find a way out , until Ra 's decided he had all the information he needed . It was obvious to him that Dick was a promising recruit and deserving of both a promotion to the next stage of the training and direct mentoring from Ra 's . In all previous cases , the responsibility of of mentoring had fallen on some of Ra 's higher ranking subordinates , but he could see that they wouldn 't be able to push the boy to his full potential . There wasn 't anyone outside of himself and the Detective he could see showing the boy just what he was capable of . In what must have been fate , Dick 's training with Bruce had all but guaranteed that he would someday reach the rank of Ra 's second in command . Ra 's instructed for Dick to be brought to an empty and currently unused room closer to his personal quarters . It was a dark room and the only furnishings were two cabinets on opposing sides of a painted circle on the floor . As soon as he walked in , Dick knew he had graduated to the next level and that it wouldn 't be something he could enjoy . The ninja was dressed in a dark black and stood still as he waited for a signal from Ra 's to begin . Dick had not been expecting this , but he could work out that Ra 's wanted him to fight the ninja and see just how well he was able to utilize the physical capability he had already shown . He needed to prove he wasn 't all show . As soon as they took a stance , his bravado stopped meaning anything . With a few strong sweeps to the back of his legs , Dick was on his back and grasping for his breath as he felt a knee weigh down on his neck . Nevertheless , Dick tried to fight his way out of the press to no avail as relief only came when Ra 's called out for it . When he felt that the boy had been roughed around enough , he signaled for the fight to end and watched as Dick began heaving on the floor until he could calm himself down . Dick reminded himself that he had always lost when he went against Bruce . It was never even close . Dick knew that he didn 't want to join any army , especially not one that served Ra 's , but he couldn 't ignore the smug dissatisfaction in Ra 's voice . They both knew that all of Dick 's failings reflected poorly on Bruce and even though it shouldn 't matter in that situation it just did . Getting back up , Dick demanded , " Let me try again . " Ra 's shook his head ; he didn 't have time for this and the boy needed to learn he wouldn 't always get a second chance . " I don 't think so . " He knew that Dick would need some motivation to ensure that he stayed interested so Ra 's gave him both positive and negative reinforcement . " If you don 't improve soon I will have to find another use for you and your brother . Otherwise , I 'll answer one of your questions every time you can defeat one of my soldiers . " The next time wasn 't much better , but Dick did manage to last past five minutes and avoid falling on his back . Into the third day he lasted eight minutes and landed his own hits . On the fourth day it was ten minutes and Dick nearly pushed the ninja out of the circle when he made him stumble back . One week into the matches , Dick stayed on his feet for twenty minutes and only lost when his opponent landed a dirty move with his hair ; the point was obvious , it was an all or nothing game . After two weeks of constant fighting , the improvements were noticeable and Ra 's was willing to admit so . Not out loud , but it was obvious enough with everything Bruce had taught him about reading people . After three weeks he was getting strong enough to make it a real fight , and in one month it was Dick who was holding the ninja down . As soon as he realized what had happened , Dick stumbled back and tried to compose himself . He stepped back from the match and hated the feeling of accomplishment that overtook him . He didn 't want to feel proud for doing everything Ra 's wanted him to do , but Ra 's knew how to make it hard enough for it to feel enticing for Dick . As he panted for relief , Dick sat on the mat and tried to think of what he was doing and why he was willing to let himself feel happy when he was in a room full of people who had kidnapped him . Behind him , Ra 's was as stoic as ever and spoke up first . " I promised you I 'd answer one of your questions if you won a match and here we are . Is there anything in particular you would like to know ? " Dick had thought it over for a while , ever since Ra 's first gave him the offer , and there was one thing he had been wondering ever since they had been moved here . Of course there was always the chance he could say something cheeky and reminiscent of the Robin he wanted to be , but he didn 't want to waste the opportunity . ' He looked directly at Ra 's and asked , " Who are you ? " Tomorrow ended up being a match with Dick going against two of Ra 's subordinates . He held his own for a few minutes , but one unseen attack to his heel brought him on his back . The next time he tried to focus on one at a time , but he ended up on the ground even faster than last time . It took him another week to see everything that was happening around him and attack accordingly . When he did win , he asked Ra 's , " Why are you training me and what for ? There must hundreds of people who work for you and are better fighters than me . " Dick had worked over the wording for the past few days and decided this forced Ra 's to give him something other than a yes or no answer . Dick spent hours looking around for the cameras ; they had to be somewhere in the room . He knew Ra 's and his people were looking in on them every now and then , but if he could find them he could stay out of their range and come up with a plan out . Dick wanted nothing to do with the League of Assassins . If the name was anything to go by he wouldn 't like it . It was even worse to watch Tim grow complaisant with everything that had happened to them , not even addressing the fact they had had a life outside of these four walls . While he had spent the first few days begging Dick to take them back to Bruce , fighting with Dick as if he was the reason they couldn 't go back home , Tim had settled for passing the time with games and homemade toys . It had come to the point where he woke up and took the trays after they were finished eating and tore out pieces of the styrofoam until it somewhat resembled his model cities from Gotham . Staring at the sight of his little brother entertaining himself with his make - shift figurines , Dick admonished himself for just how far he had let this mess go . Even though he would never surrender himself to feeling at home in the compound , Dick knew he would have to try to make Tim 's time in the room easier on him . It wouldn 't do either of them any good to scare Tim with the reality of their situation . Looking down so he wouldn 't have to see the amusement on Ra 's face when he practically begged him for something , Dick answered , " I want books and toys for Tim . Instead of an answer of my question , I 'll take that . " He could tell from the slight rise of Ra 's eyebrows that he wanted an explanation , but Dick didn 't feel like he deserved it and kept a blank look on his face as he waited for a response . After Ra 's nodded a signal to one of his servants in the room , Dick could feel the old man pacing around him . Curious enough to look , Dick found Ra 's with an inquisitive look on his face and waited for him to say something . He reminded Dick of a snake circling his prey and Dick didn 't like thinking about the damage the old man could do if he did ever attack him . Dick knew better than to question anything Ra 's told him and looked to one of the ninjas and waited for a rag to come over his head . Before anyone moved forward , Ra 's put a hand on his shoulder . " This time you 're going to walk back without the intrusion . " Dick didn 't need to look up to hear the smirk on his face when he said , " You 've deserved as much . " Once his eyes adjusted , Dick took in the new scenery . The view to the outside didn 't show anything he had seen before and there was very little decor around the hall for him to discern where they might be . Dick had never considered the possibility that he would find someplace more gloomy and depressing than Gotham , but here it was . Even the bright light from the sun only made the air around the room feel dry and dreary . " You will be given a week long break before I will have to retrieve you again . In that time you are meant to study over the information I have left for you in your room . " Dick scoffed inwardly . This wasn 't a break , it was time for Dick to study whatever Ra 's needed him to before he pulled him out again . It was time for him to do his homework . " Then I 'll have to find another use for you and your brother . " It was the same threat Ra 's had had used before , but there was a reason for it . It worked and Ra 's could tell from the flinch through the boy as he imagined being away from Timothy in a place as hostile as the one they were trapped in . Inside , Tim was still sleeping on the mattress but he looked like he was ready to wake up some time soon . Dick stepped in and as soon as the door was closed behind him he turned to look at the table and chairs some of Ra 's ' minions must have added in the few minutes from when he 'd made the request . It was obvious that this was already something Ra 's had anticipated before Dick needed to tell him . It just reiterated the fact that everything he and Tim were doing was in the full view of the compound . Dick didn 't have the focus to actually open anything , but he could tell the books ranged from the simple ones a child reads to more complex ones that must have been for Dick . There was one in particular that caught his eye , a parenting book about how to raise a child and how to make sure he or she was growing up healthy , both mentally and physically . As soon as he had it in his hands he wanted to throw it across the room and flush it down the toilet because he knew what it was supposed to mean . Ra 's was trying to tell him that there was no way he could avoid the fact that he would be the one raising the room and everything would have to be done in this room . Tim would never see anything else and he should give up any hope of freedom . It only took a few more minutes for Tim to begin rutting around in his sleep and pretty soon he was wide awake . There was a look of panic as he jumped up and scanned the room . He let out a whimper Dick hadn 't heard in months before he feeling the warm body behind him and calming down immediately . " It scared you , Tim . That means it 's important to me . " This was the only thing that mattered now . More than Ra 's , more than the League , more than whatever Ra 's was planning for him , Tim was the most important thing to Dick even if the three year old didn 't fully understand it . Dick knew what his meant ; Tim had woken up while he was away with Ra 's . He had woken up and found himself alone in a room that felt strange and cruel to him for a reason he didn 't understand . Tim had woken up afraid and without anyone to comfort him . Making sure Tim was looking down at his hands and not at his face where he might have been able to recognize the strain on his face , Dick promised , " I 've always been in the room , Babybird . I would never leave you by yourself . It was just a bad dream and it will never come true . I would never do that to you . " Turning the cover , Dick recognized the book as one that Bruce had picked out for them a while ago and read to him the first few nights he lived in the Manor . It had been a little tradition between the two of them , Bruce picking out the book from the pile on Dick 's desk and Dick acting out the voices he imagined the characters having . Tim had been too small back then , but those nights were special to Dick . Through little gestures like that , Dick had opened up to Bruce and began to consider him his father . Looking at the book now he had to remind himself to breath and not show any negativity that might confuse his brother . In one quick swoop Ra 's had sullied those memories all together and it chilled him to realize that someone had been watching and studying those nights with Bruce . Ra 's had been planning his kidnapping through the first days since their parents had been murdered . He swallowed the feeling turned the cover to the first page to introduce Tim to Christopher Robin and all of his friends . With every day that passed , a part of Tim seemed to disappear as he forgot about any life he had outside of those four walls . At the same time , Tim grew very particular about everything and had to know he had some control . Even if it was just the smallest amount , he needed to know that he could control something . The table had to be kept in a certain place , there was a particular pattern to the books Dick would be reading to him , they would take baths every day , and the dashes that Dick was making on the wall to keep track of the passing days had to be in a proper line and not crooked . Dick only needed to make a mistake once when he tried to put off cleaning their clothes until the next day . The hard look on Tim 's face even hours after the initial argument was enough for him to promise to stick to the schedule Tim had grown accustomed to . No argument was worth seeing Tim hunched over in a corner of the room as he screamed and cried and refused to acknowledge that Dick was even there . The worst was listening to him silently cry into their pillow once he thought Dick was sleeping and his flinch away when Dick tried to pull him into a comforting hold . Dick hoped that they had reached some kind of understanding when Tim eventually fell back into the hold and let Dick see just how poorly he was actually doing . With Tim 's permission , Dick moved the table closer to the bath tub so that it took up much less room and started to teach him some simple exercises , ones he had been learning in the circus . Tim was reluctant at first , the cement floor was not something he wanted to catch him every time he fell or messed up , but he liked having something physical to do . After the first few demonstrations from Dick , Tim was the one pushing Dick for them to exercise more and Dick didn 't fight him on it . He felt like it was a great way for them to make up for the fact that they couldn 't walk around as much as other children did . One other upside for Tim was that their clothes now had to be cleaned even more regularly as the sweat was unbearable for any longer than necessary . He enjoyed sitting beside his older brother and watching him wash their clothing and waiting for it to dry off . Dick was beginning to learn that Tim was only keen on changes to their routine if they were moving ahead of schedule or making things cleaner . A few hours later , the two were cleaning up from their exercise and Dick continued to fail at getting his full attention . The three year old would just continue to stare at the pile of clothes and try to find an explanation for where they had come in from . Some part of him knew that this was not how things usually worked , but it only made his head hurt more to think about it . With enough prodding , Tim looked up to see his older brother staring down at him with concern . These past few days he had been harsher than usual with Dick , but for the life of him Tim didn 't know why . If he truly ever woke up to see that his older brother was nowhere in sight he didn 't know what he could possibly do . Even if nothing in the room ever made sense to him , Dick would always be the one thing he needed above all else . He sat Tim down and considered his options . For weeks he had been trying to come up with some kind of lie that would make Tim feel safe , even for a moment considering to tell him the truth but immediately realizing it could cause Tim to panic , and nothing seemed to be good enough . He decided to use what Bruce had taught him , lie with sprinkles of truth mixed in so it comes out as more believable Thinking heavily about the words as they came out of his mouth , Dick began , " You know how we 're in this room ? Well , there is a green magic man outside of these walls and if we 're good he 'll give us present when we 're sleeping . We aren 't allowed to look at him as he comes in , so that 's why we have to sleep through it . " That seemed to be the right answer because now Tim wanted to know everything Dick knew about the green man . " What was he like ? Does he really like us ? Can I learn magic too ? " Dick was able to avoid some of the questions as they were scheduled for a reading of a book of Tim 's choice after the bath . This time it was going to be ' The Little Prince . ' Tim brought the book to Dick and sat beside him as the last of the light from the day shined in through the skylight . While Tim was satisfied by the sound of Dick 's voice as he read aloud , Dick couldn 't help but find the irony in them reading to book suffocating . Dick stared at the floor as he explained , " Last time I left Tim woke up while I was gone and it freaked him out a little . It freaked him out a lot . I don 't want it to happen again . " Ra 's had been expecting this and already worked out a few solutions . The easiest thing would just be to remove the younger boy from the situation completely . He was , above all else , a distraction for Dick and if he was no longer in the picture it would mean he could focus much more on things that actually mattered . The only thing that was stopping Ra 's was his understanding that he was also the only thing that was keeping Dick here . If something were to happen to the boy , Dick would lose all control he had . As a compromise , Ra 's decided to keep the plan stored away until it didn 't have as much of a risk . The alternative solution had already prepared and Ra 's signaled for a servant to bring something into the room . Seeing someone else in the room , Dick stood up ready to do anything that was necessary . Not wanting to make a scene , Ra 's called for a second person to come in , this time with a weapon in hand . Dick stepped back slightly , still blocking them from Tim as he tried to think of what this could mean . There was no way he could take on all three of them , especially when he hadn 't seen how Ra 's fights , and he knew that there was a very high chance that Tim could end up as collateral and that was the last thing he needed . The first servant kneeled down closer to Tim 's level and repositioned him until he was laying flat on his back before she pulled out something from her pocket . It was a syringe and small bottle with some kind of liquid in it . She filled the syringe to half of its capacity before trying to find a vein in Tim 's arm . Not interested in the domestic problems of the two boys , Ra 's sighed and answered , " Yes . He 'll have someone looking over him to make sure that nothing goes wrong but he won 't wake up until he is given the opposing medicine when you return . " He just wanted to be over the boring parts of the day and get to something that was surely much more interesting than the sleeping patterns of a three year old . Dick nodded and looked back at his little brother before stepping out beside Ra 's . " Let 's go . The sooner I get this over with the sooner I can come back . " He knew the first 24 hours were the most important in any kidnapping . There were very few cases where people were found afterwards and Bruce would do everything in his power to make sure his sons were one of those people . It was what he owed them . It was what they deserved . The League tried too hard to be sensitive . This was one case where they were emotionally invested in the victims , both Bruce and the boys , and it made them want to work all the more harder . It also made every dead end feel all the more painful . There hadn 't been any cameras capturing the action outside of the hotel window , but some fabric did get caught in the broken window . It was silk , high quality meaning whoever took the boys had to be well equipped and capable of spending excess money on a minute improvement to protection . Bruce wasn 't really sure if silk would be effective in any form of armor , so it might have been a decorational piece , something for aesthetics and easily replaceable . He wouldn 't rule anything out . After a few days Bruce had to go back to Gotham . He tried to convince himself this wasn 't a sign of him giving up , that he was going to lose faith in his boys , but this was him going back home to work much more efficiently in his own workspace . It felt like betrayal and no matter how much he tried to think otherwise Bruce was leaving the last place he had seen his boys . He missed when Alfred left for a few days to get Ace back from the Kent farm . The Great Dane returned excited and promptly made an exploratory patrol around the Manor to make sure nothing had changed and that everything was in place . The first thing he did was go into the boys bedrooms to see if they were ready to greet him , but he was disappointed to find that they were empty . After convincing Alfred to let him into the cave , Ace looked around to see if his youngest masters were inside helping Bruce with some of his work . He found Bruce alone in his chair smelling particularly bad and the cave without any other occupants . After a few hours Ace got tired of watching Bruce do absolutely nothing on the computer except watch the same tapes over and over again so he made his way back into the Manor to wait until the two boys decided to come back . Ace dropped the bear and looked over to him confused . Bruce wasn 't finished and he pulled the dog out while screaming , " Get the hell out of his room . You can 't go in there , understand ? I don 't want you messing with any of Tim 's things . " Once Ace was circling around the hall confused , Bruce closed the door and looked into the Great Dane 's innocent eyes . As soon as he let go of the handle , Bruce dropped to his knees and pulled Ace towards him and admitted , " I don 't know what to do Ace . I don 't know where they are or if they 're okay and I don 't know what to do . " February 21 , 2017March 13 , 2017Posted in RoomLeave a comment Tim wanted to distract himself from just how hungry he was , but there was nothing else to think about . All he could think to do was to sit sat down and groan until Dick convinced him to take a nap to forget about it as long as he could . Dick promised that he 'd wake Tim up in a few minutes , but Tim didn 't even bother thinking about how he had no idea to tell time and fell asleep on his lap . Over the last few days Dick had convinced Tim that he needed to be sleeping for their treats to come in , but it also meant he would wake up many times very disappointed to find that nothing had changed . " No not really . Not if you don 't want your brother to die , " Ra 's said flatly . He even leaned down to pat feel his hair and soon as Dick 's hand came out to stop him he held his wrist against the wall just as he had his throat a few days ago . Looking into those harsh green eyes Dick knew Ra 's didn 't really care whether or not Tim lived . They were only alive because he thought he could he could do something useful with him and as soon as that changed neither of them could control what happened to them . Thinking deeply and knowing his decision made a world of difference , Dick said , " Food . Food and water . Someone comes in once a day with food that could barely feed one person and we need more . " Ra 's considered that for a moment before saying , " Fine . I 'll make sure someone brings enough food for the both of you . Two full meals three times a day . " Ra 's reached out to caress his chin and say , " Of course . I know better than to treat my soldiers badly . If you can 't stand , you won 't do me any good . " Dick didn 't know what to think about situation , but he knew better than to trust anyone he come across here . He still didn 't know anything about the man who controlled their lives , he didn 't even know his name , but Dick knew that he had to do everything he could to survive long enough to get out . Everyone in the compound knew that they were starving , that they couldn 't live off of what they were given , but it was all just a test for them and he made a promise to never give up on trying to get out . His baby brother was sitting on his lap hungrier than he had ever been and Dick could never forgive anyone for that . Being able to eat properly put Tim a much happier mood but he couldn 't help but feel trapped in the room . It wasn 't small , but there was no where near enough room or contents to distract him from the long hours they couldn 't do anything besides eat . The only thing in the room beside the mattress they slept on and them was the bucket Dick couldn 't convince Tim to use . Pretty soon he was in a large room with professional level gymnastics equipment . Dick had seen most of it before when Bruce had him test out the kinds of things they would have installed into the Manor and he knew how expensive it could cost . One thing was sure , Ra 's had put them in that room on purpose and he had enough resources to give them much more , he could give them everything but he wanted to see how long they could last on almost nothing . Dick nodded and immediately took his place on the platform and did an expert level routine . If he was being honest with himself he felt much better than he had in a few weeks as soon as he got the chance to test out his feet but he made sure no one would be able to tell looking at him . At the end of the performance he turned around to look at Ra 's and all he got was a quirk of an eyebrow . Retaking his place he went with a routine he had seen win a gold medal and still all he got was another raised eyebrow . Dick thought it over and decided to show them something Bruce had trained him to know as well as the back of his hand . It had taken months to work out perfectly and Dick knew it was enough to impress them . Dick got into position and immediately took up a running pace . He lasted four laps until he went down to a heavy jog and then a regular jog . He wanted to stop and take a breather , but he didn 't want to see any satisfaction on Ra 's face when he realized he 'd pushed Dick to his brink . He lasted an hour before the pain got to be too much and he collapsed on the mats on the floor . Dick gasped for some relief in his burning lungs but all the air was knocked out of him when he was lifted onto someone 's back and the bag was returned to his head and he was carried back to the room . He tried to stop his fits of coughing but he ended up heaving into the bag until he thought he could suffocate . He found Tim still sleeping on the mattress and instead of looking at the new additions to the room he crawled in and wrapped himself around him . He ignored the pain in his muscles and lungs to move Tim into his favorite position and rest for as long as he could . Dick felt proud of himself knowing he could take care of his brother , but it was enough to make him appreciate just how much Bruce did for them and that just made him want to be back home more . Snuggling up to the feeling of Tim 's soft hair he imagined he was in his bad at the Manor and safe from anyone who could do anything to hurt them . " It 's like magic , Dick . Look . " Tim pointed out to the sink , toilet , and bath tub that had been installed . Dick knew that Ra 's had someone work on them while Dick was away , but he couldn 't get over the idea of someone else being in the room with Tim while he wasn 't there to look out for him . Not feeling up to moving the same limbs he had worked out to his limit , Dick begging him , " Please , Timmy , for me . Just do it . It 's not healthy to not do it for a long time and it 's only going to get worse . I know you can . " February 21 , 2017March 13 , 2017Posted in RoomLeave a comment Loosening his tie , Bruce got into the elevator and complained to Alfred , " Remind me again why I 'm friends with Brost . This is the fifth time he 's told he that story about his swimming in the Caribbean during a storm . At this point I know the events of that night better than he does . " Bruce considered the memory for a moment before they stepped into the penthouse and stopped caring about anything other than his family . As soon as he walked in , Bruce took off his loafers , spread his coat over the closest chair , and called out to the quiet room , " Boys . I 'm back . " The two adults listened for a moment before going around to investigate why no one was calling out back to them . Alfred knew that Dick had been awake when he left but going into the room he shared with his little brother they found it completely abandoned . The room was much messier than it had been a few minutes ago and Bruce immediately recognized the broken ceramics , doors swung open , and cloths resting on the floor were a cause of worry . Bruce immediately made his way to his laptop to look over the security footage , but he found the critical moments missing . It wasn 't everything , just the few minutes after Alfred left and before they returned , but Bruce knew better than to trust something that had obviously been broken into . Looking around the hotel room again more thoroughly , Bruce realized there was absolutely no record of who the unwanted visitors were , but he could tell there had been more than one when he considered just how much ground they would 've had to cover in the few minutes Alfred was out . The trackers he had in the boys ' shoes were placed on his nightstand , a sign of just how much the kidnappers had in their work . Whoever had taken his boys definitely knew what they were doing . Dick woke up to the feeling of pain shooting up his back . While he had been asleep someone had kicked him hard enough for him to fall out of the mattress and start groaning on the floor . He immediately tried to fight back against whoever it was and see what was going on , but he soon realized someone much stronger was standing over him . He could only watch as the lady pushed her hand through Tim 's hair and stroked his cheeks . " Aww , look at this one here . We got an extra and he 's very cute . " Dick watched as she put the knife to his cheek and began dragging it along . She didn 't use enough force to penetrate the skin , but her point was made . She controlled everything in the room and he couldn 't do anything but hope that she didn 't hurt his little brother . Laughing at the display , the lady finally pushed down deep enough for Dick to see beads of blood trailing the blade of the knife . Tim whimpered at the feeling , he tried to move back away from whatever was causing him the pain and in turn closer to the person he didn 't know was hurting him , but Dick couldn 't help but feel glad he still hadn 't woken up . He had absolutely no idea how he would explain the situation to him without causing him too much worry . Ra 's motioned for the other two to leave the room and without the massive weight on his back , Dick could sit up and see him clearer . He was a large man , almost as big as his dad , but he looked much older . The hair around his head were graying and his face was more defined , but the didn 't look as docile as some of the older people Dick had seen . The cloak he was wearing was long and green and Dick wanted to make some jokes about him , but he didn 't want to risk him hurting Tim too . " No ? " For the first time the man turned around and let himself look confused . It was emboldened for Dick to see him look even slightly bewildered ; it made him feel as if he had more control of the situation . Circling around the room , the man said , " You aren 't here to get me money , you wouldn 't be worth that much anyway . I will admit the initial intent had been to retrieve you from London , but the two who were here before me weren 't even capable enough to do that properly . Now , I 'm in the difficult situation of not knowing what to do with Timothy when he 's far too young to do me any good . There might be some people willing to take him off of my hands , and I could ask for a high price , but then I risk altering your father and the rest of his friends . I guess I 'll have to keep him around and find some use for him . " As soon as he was sure Tim was safe , he curled up around him and tried to think of what Bruce would want him to do . He definitely wouldn 't want him to cry so Dick made sure none of his tears spilled out as he tried to think of a way out . There was no way he would be able to take on the people keeping them in here and Superman hadn 't responded to the sound of his voice so the room must have been lined with lead . Dick chastised himself for not thinking about calling for him in the hotel room , but it would do him no good now . His time was much better spent trying to find a way out . Looking around the room , he didn 't find anything that could help . There were no windows in the room , only a small skylight with thick glass he couldn 't reach . Dick could tell that it was almost morning , but he wasn 't sure how long he was asleep . It couldn 't have been for too long , Bruce would 've found them by then . Dick didn 't want to think about what the bucket was for , but he knew had no leverage in this situation to make things better for them . He didn 't try to think about it too much , hopefully they would never actually have to use it . Tim tried to kick his older brother away from him , but pretty soon he had to open his eyes to the light in the room and face the day . He loudly groaned so Dick could know he wanted to keep on sleeping , but he stopped when he realized his older brother wasn 't in the mood to play around . Tim decided to follow his instructions and he sat up to find out if everything had been a dream or not . Dick smiled down at his little brother . Even when he didn 't know how to , Tim wanted to look out for him . He couldn 't feel bring himself to feel bad when he said , " I ate before you woke up , don 't worry . " Helping Tim sit up , Dick put the tray in front of them and started putting the food in his mouth . At first Tim didn 't like it , but he realized just how hungry he was and ate most of it . It helped to look up at Dick and see that him eating was making him feel a little better , but Tim wanted to try some more . He offered Dick the stale bun , he actually forced him to eat it , and when the tray was cleared Tim asked , " What are we going to do now ? " February 21 , 2017March 13 , 2017Posted in RoomLeave a comment The room wasn 't exactly filthy , but it was a definite downgrade and one that Dick wanted to be in for an extended period of time . He wasn 't entirely sure where he was , but that was the first thing that his cloudy mind could think of when he held his brother to his chest and tried to make sense of the situation . He had never thought he would feel so powerless ever again and as he lulled his brother to sleep he tried to think about something happier . He thought about the excitement running through his body and making him jump around the small kitchen of his parent 's trailer when he learned that he was going to be a big brother . It had been one of the greatest days in his life , sitting down for breakfast and having his parents explain that their little family was going to be just a little bigger . Even then he knew that that little addition was going to mean the world to him . He had been in shock . Dick knew that he 'd made it clear that he wanted a little sibling since he learned what those were , but he never thought it would actually happen . A few weeks later , when he could see his mom 's stomach growing a little every week , he learned that it was a boy . That just made everything so much better . There was so much he imagined them doing together , playing video games , running around their circus , getting into snowball fights , and most importantly getting the opportunity to teach him everything he knew about acrobatics . Dick planned out the rest of their lives together . Dick even kept a private list he hid from his parents detailing what he was going to do when his little brother was born , everything that would make him a perfect older brother . He thought of everything he felt when he saw his little brother for the first time . It seemed like so long ago he had been in the hospital looking up at Jonathan and begging him to tell him what his little brother 's name would be . Apparently it had been a surprise , something they didn 't want anyone to know before they met him . They explained something about people never liking the name parents pick out and it being hard to fight a name when you actually see the baby but all Dick could hear was that they were hiding an important part of his brother 's life from him . On top of that , he hadn 't appreciated how little they cared about his own input into the naming process , Charmander would have been a great name . He had stopped in his tracks when he saw the small pink baby hiding in his blue blanket in Mary 's arms . John left his side to kiss the top of her hair and tell her just how amazing she was and how much he loved her . The baby had been sleeping , much to Dick 's chagrin , but their dad didn 't seem to care as he rubbed his cheek softly and told him how much he was going to love being a part of their family . Mary had given him a tired smile and moved the small bundle enough for Dick to see the top of his head and the beginnings of his dark black hair . " Come on , Dick . Don 't you want to see your brother ? " As always , John had read everything on his face and got up to lift him on the bed so he could see him clearly . Dick clearly remembered thinking his brother was the most amazing thing in the world , definitely the cutest . Behind him his father reminded him about something that had been bothering him for the last few days . " You know you 're going to be the third person to know him name . " He couldn 't help but repeat the name over and over again , " Timothy , Timothy , Timothy , Timmy , Timbo , Tim , " until it felt like to most natural thing in the world . He didn 't think about the second part for a while before running every possibility through his brain . " Can I give him the same middle name as me ? " Dick tested it out . " Timothy John Grayson . Timothy John Grayson . Timmy John Grayson . Tim John Grayson . " Satisfied , he nodded to his parents and claimed , " It 's perfect . " Just like his Timmy . It had only been a few months since he had been born and one of the first times since his mom had performed but none of those criminals seemed to care . No matter how much Dick had wanted to imagine otherwise , everything changed from then on . Dick had spent the night holding Timmy to his chest and rocking him in his bed . He had comforted him when he started to fuss and cried with him when he couldn 't hold it in anymore . He thought about Bruce and how he had offered them a home when he had no reason to . He had been in the crowd that night and searched Dick out as soon as he could . It would be no exaggeration to say that Bruce was their saving grace . The option had been up to him , but he did have a very long and serious discussion with Bruce . They had talked about being the youngest person in his grade and what that would feel like , how it would make socializing harder especially in the later grades . They had talked about how going to the fourth grade would mean less stress and more time to focus on other things . They had talked about how , if he wanted , he could continue to be homeschooled and whatever he chose was completely up to him . In the end he went with the fourth grade because maybe being the smartest person in his grade would make the transition a little easier , but looking in the mirror he had been was losing faith in his decision . The uniform was the right size and he didn 't look to bad , but it was a little too stuffy for his taste . Despite all his worrying , his first day of school had been great , many people did seem to be more interested in knowing what it was like to live with a Wayne than actually getting to know him but that changed when the surprise wore off . He remembered a few weeks ago when he had walked into Bruce 's office to see the large pile of papers on his desk . Dick hadn 't been too sure what they were for , but Bruce seemed happy about it so he knew not to be worried . Bruce had lifted him into his chair and showed him just what made the papers so important , they were the finalized adoption forms . Dick leaned back . Having gone through naming Tim , he had known it would be incredibly important and something he should not take lightly . . " Our last name would be Wayne ? " Once again , Dick ran through all the possibilities . " Richard John Wayne . Dick John Wayne … Timothy John Wayne . Timmy John Wayne . I like it . " Although he hadn 't liked the journey over , the scene was enough for Tim to change his mind about the trip . With everyone watching , Tim stumbled over to the giant windows and squished his face against its cold surface to get a clear picture . At first he was entranced with the sight , but he started to lower his gaze and frightened himself with just how high they were and he ran back to his dad for safety . No one could hide how funny they found it , but soon Bruce was putting the boys to bed and telling them goodnight . The plan for the next day had been for Bruce to leave for the gala as soon as he changed into his tuxedo and grab a ride back . He had been able to cut away early when he informed everyone he would need to put his boys to bed , but he was denied entry because he 'd forgotten to grab the key to his room . Because he 'd asked for a strengthened security with no outside access , Alfred had to come down and let him up . Ever since he 'd learned that Bruce was Batman , Dick had been learning from him and knew better than to go investigate when he didn 't know where the invader was . Instead , he 'd picked up his sleeping brother and quietly made his way over to Bruce 's room and locked the door . He had felt the safest there . When Dick had started to lose faith in the door , he ran into bathroom to find a proper place to hide . He had made Tim promise to not make any noise and put him in a cabinet before he crawled in with him closed the door . They had heard the door splintering and the footsteps getting louder until the door to the bathroom was slammed open and the person get closer . Dick hadn 't dared to feel proud of himself , especially when Tim had been frightened out of his mind , but a major weight was lifted off when he heard the heavy footsteps leave the bathroom . The relief had been short lived until Tim let out a quiet murmur and the door of the cabinet was thrown open . A hand had reached out and grabbed onto him , but in his frantic he tried to reach back for his little . He had screamed as he tried to fight the man , hoping the front door to the suit would slam open when Bruce came in to save them , but it had all been in vain . Sitting in the cold room with nothing except a lumpy mattress on the floor and a bucket in the corner , Dick tried to calm down his little brother . Hardly past two and a half year old , Tim had no idea why he felt so scared . What he did know was that he didn 't like the room and wanted to be back with his daddy .

I slept a little later this morning because I was up so late last night sitting out with our friends , sleeping until about 5AM . I went down and drank coffee with the guys and came back home and took Stella to work . So routine . . . I came back here and washed the truck . It has rained a couple of times recently , just showers , but enough to leave the truck with a layer of dirt and mud all along the sides . It doesn 't take long to wash it but it 's certainly hot work . It dries almost as soon as I stopped squirting water on it , but at least its clean . I picked Stella up from work and we stopped at Marco 's and had supper . This is a pretty good restaurant and although its all mexican food , all the restaurants are different . We started eating here when we had coupons and have just kept eating here . I guess the coupons really do work . We came back home and our friends Larry and Pat came over and sat outside our house , chatting tonight . We didn 't stay out too late tonight because of the flies and skeeters . It has been pleasant to sit outside because we get the early shade , being on the west side of the park and against the tree line . We like these sites and will miss them when we return in October . I 'm still not sure of which site we 'll be in , but it will be a good one . Melissa is working on it for me . So long . Another dull day here . I got up and had coffee as usual , and took Stella to work . We have been talking about having her drive three or four days a week , but she doesn 't like driving in traffic , so we 'll see how that works out . I came back home and picked up around the trailer and swept it out . I figure that since Stella is working , this is the least that I can do . Being a house - husband isn 't really all that bad . I chatted some with John today while outside . Only a few new trailers came in for the weekend , so the park is very quiet . I went to pick up Stella from work and we decided to go out to eat pizza . Stella found a coupon in Donna 's coupon book for Incredible Pizza in Conroe . We went up and it looks very similar to a Chucky Cheese , and aimed at kids , but it was surprisingly good . There was a good selection of pizzas and they were very tasty . We came back home and sat outside with our neighbors Larry and Pat until after 10 o ' clock , way after my normal bedtime . So long . Today was another slow day for us . I got up and went to have coffee with the guys at the rally hall and we have a couple of new fellows . Perhaps the word is getting around . One of them , Larry , is my neighbor across the street in site 106 . He is still working but will retire soon . I took Stella to work and came back and hung out , staying inside as much as possible to stay cool . It is HOTTT down here . I get emails from Donna telling me how cool it is where they are . I 'm envious and can only make plans for other times when we 'll be the one in nice weather when they 're not . . . Nothing very interesting happened today and I went and got Stella after work and we came back home . Stella fixed us some delicious Spanish rice at home and we stayed in all evening . See , I told you it was a slow day . . . So long . Today was a very slow day around here at the Rayford Ranch . . . I took Stella to work and rode home through Tomball and got fuel at the Raceway station where fuel is the cheapest ( $ 2 . 69 ) . I took 21 . 9 gallons to go 339 . 4 miles for a 15 . 49 MPG average . All of this stop and go driving is killing my mileage . I am seriously considering letting Stella drive to work and keep the truck all day long . It will cut our miles by 1 / 2 daily and she has promised to drive it carefully and not run any red lights , causing an accident . I did hear from our old friend Mike and Patrice yesterday that they have bought a used Bighorn 3500 from Lone Star RV ( south ) . You may not remember them because they used to camp out with us a lot but then got involved in motorcycles and sold their truck and trailer . It will be like old times for them to have a trailer again . They are planning to come here for the 4th of July weekend . Mike worked for the LaMarque Police Dept . which is where I began my law enforcement career . He quit about the time I came on board , but we later worked together for the Dickinson Police Dept . He left there after about ten years and went to work for the City of Beaumont and then moved to the City of Missouri City and I again worked for him there doing Code Enforcement . As I said , it was a slow day around here , but another one is in the books . So long . We woke this morning and had breakfast in the trailer , before Stella had to go to work . It worked out pretty well because after the fridge went out , Stella had fried up all the bacon , sausage and ground meats to prevent them from ruining and a package of frozen Pillsbury biscuits that we have been buying for our breakfast . Since the food had already been cooked , all she had to do was put it together , so we had a good breakfast that was quick to prepare . I took her to the park and did the drive - through with her the first thing in the morning . There were no new trailers in , and two had left as planned , so everything was in order this morning . I dropped her off and came back home . I worked some on the October Heartland rally plans and Stella called about 1 o ' clock to ask if I would move a man 's trailer for him . I found out a little bit about it and agreed to move it for him . I met him at the park at 3 , and he took me over to the other side of Tomball where the trailer was . It was near the Countryside RV Park that Stella and I had stayed in after our evacuation for Rita . The trailer was an older Hitchhiker fifth wheel that was in pretty poor condition . The battery was dead and we had to crank up the front landing jacks by hand , which worked up a good sweat for both of us . We checked it over before I hooked up to it , checking the tires and lights and other safety items . The lights didn 't come on at first but soon one of the back tail lights came on and after pulling out , he told me that the brake lights worked too . I made my way carefully through Tomball , avoiding any traffic problems . The first issue I had was at the corner of FM 2920 and FM 2978 where we had to turn left onto 2978 . An 18 wheeler truck and trailer had slipped off into the deep ditch . There was also construction at the corner , which made for a tight turn . I had to swing out very wide to make the turn and still barely missed the truck 's mirror . We made it through , but it was exciting . . . The only other issue I had was at one of the cross - streets . The croPosted by We are going south this morning . Stella is meeting with one of her clients in Texas City and I had called my friend Kristene to set up a lunch meeting with her and any of my other friends that could come by , so we were pretty - well set for today . We left here about 10 : 30 for Alvin and lunch but the traffic was heavier than I had anticipated and it took us until a few minutes after 12 before we got to Kelly 's Restaurant . Luckily for me , Kristene had gotten held up too and she was late , but she arrived a couple of minutes after we did . She said that the others that she had invited were busy today but would come by the next time we are in town . We had a nice visit with her and caught up on our friends that weren 't there . Stella had exchanged text messages with her client all morning and had learned that today was not convenient for a meeting . We will have to come back next Monday or another time to meet with her . We went to our storage building and got the small refrigerator out as well as some small items that I found and decided I needed . We are tired of our fridge problems and will take this small apartment - size refer and will use it outside for cold drinks and water when ours get fixed . From there , we went by Eric 's office in Clear Lake where Stella picked up some paperwork that she needed . She also got in a nice visit with Frances , whom she worked with at Citizen 's state Bank in Dickinson . Traffic wasn 't too bad on the way home and we made it back about 6 : 30 . We had supper and relaxed after a long day of running errands . So long . Wow , I just noticed that yesterday 's post is # 500 ! It seems like only yesterday that I began recording our adventures . We have made so many new friends on this blog . I have enjoyed writing it , although I have gotten behind several times and had to rush to catch up , but I try very hard . Today is Father 's Day , so I hope that all the other fathers have a happy day ; I know I did ! The only bad spot in my day was that the fridge finally gave it up and stopped working . We have already decided that we are going down to Texas City tomorrow and will go by our storage to get the small refrigerator and bring it back . Stella had to go down to the office to turn in some reports from Timber Ridge and while she was there , she spoke with Gwen about our fridge problem . Gwen allowed us to bring our cold food down to the Rayford room to put it in the fridge there . Gwen and Billy are so nice ! How many other parks would let a guest do this ? When we took our things to the park refrigerator , we found that Gwen and her family were having a birthday party for Billy . Actually it was a combination birthday and Father 's day party , and they invited us to stop in and have a drink with them . It was nice spending time with them and we appreciate being invited . Another big plus of staying here . It 's like staying with close friends or relatives . I later took the clothes down to the laundry for Stella to wash . It gave me some good nap time and our clothes got clean to boot . Whats not to like about this ? So long Here we are , another wonderful day in the certifiably nicest medium - size RV park in the state . We have stayed in more than 30 different parks since we retired and began living in our trailer and there is nowhere else that we 'd rather stay . With the amenities and surroundings here , this place is impossible to beat . Apparently TACO , the Texas Association of Campground Owners , felt the same way because they recently bestowed their award for Best Medium Size RV park on Rayford Crossing . Last night , Eddie and Kelly and their son Cody came in for the weekend . Stella had talked to Dee last night and they are supposed to come to the park this afternoon for a visit . Her motheris still in the hospital here and she is stressed out and needs some time with friends . I took Stella to work and stopped off at the Valero to fill up with fuel . Since I have not been keeping track of my fuel usage , I didn 't record how much it took to fill up , but I did get another good price of $ 2 . 71 per gallon . I came back home and had a short visit with Eddie and Kelly at the office , and told them that we would see them later in the afternoon . I went back home and hung out until time to get Stella . She had a visitor , Jackie , one of the Boomers that we haven 't seen in awhile . We had a nice visit with her and came on back home . When we got here , Ricky and Dee were next door at Eddie and Kelly 's trailer . We went over and after chatting with them for about 30 minutes , we decided to go eat at Sweet Bella 's restaurant . It was a fine meal and we were all very full when we left . We came back home and sat outside at Eddie and Kelly 's place until about 9 : 30 . It was a nice way to end the night . So long . Here are the pictures of the new office at Timber Ridge . The office is very nice but still needs a little tweaking before it 's perfect but Billy is working on it every day . Here is Stella , ready for another hard day at work at her new desk . I found out later that this desk is HEAVY ! ! Billy and I lifted one corner of it to slip in a small plastic floor mat for the chair to glide on . Gwen also brought some of the items for sale over from Rayford . With the addition of the bathrooms and showers , this makes this park just about complete . I don 't expect them to do too much more right away and the property is for sale . Today was a pretty slow day for us . I took Stella to work after I had coffee with the guys . I came back home and cleaned up around the trailer a little bit and set out our new patio lights to charge them up . They look very nice and these should make a nice addition to our site . They really put out an amazing amount of light . When I went to pick up Stella , I put some tire shine on my truck tires . Jake had washed it for me because he had gotten greasy fingerprints on the fenders , and it looked so nice that I decided to shine up the wheels and tires . Of course , when I got to Timber Ridge , a heavy shower came over and dirtied up the truck and washed off the tire shine . I should have known better than to have done something like that . So long . Here is Ian with his Dad and Mom in front of their motel in Galveston . I thought it was very nice of him to have brought them with him to visit . Ian and his Pop . I just don 't get to see enough of him . Ian and his MeMaw . The day 's activities . . . I woke this morning and went down to the rally hall to make coffee for the guys and me . This is my routine on the mornings that we get together . I go down about 6 and start the coffee and come back home to get showered and cleaned up . Then we all meet around 7 to solve the world 's problems . I came back home and ate breakfast and took Stella to work . When we got there the air conditioner had stopped working or had frozen up over night . Either way , it was warm in the office . There was nothing for me to do today , so I left . I went home via Tomball to buy fuel and sure enough , the mini gas - price war was still going on and now the Valero has diesel for $ 2 . 69 a gallon . I filled up the big tank and most of the smaller one when Stella called me to come pick her back up . She had called Gwen and was told to take the day off . I 've gotta admit , it would have been miserable in that office with no a / c . I went back and got her but along the way , I stopped off at an upholstery shop to get a quote on fixing a small tear in my seat . The guy told me that most of my seat cover is actually vinyl that looks like leather , and that he can replace the damaged portions for about $ 275 . 00 . Wow , I was expecting to pay much more than that ! We 'll have schedule something with him . We came on back home and relaxed for the rest of the morning . It actually worked out better for us for Stella to have been sent home because Ian brought his Mom and Dad down for a couple of days to visit Galveston , so this gave us a better opportunity to go down to see him . We took a leisurely drive down to the island with little traffic . It was a nice day to be on the highway in Houston with no traffic problems or accidents . When we got to the hotel where they were staying , we tried to call Jennifer on her cell but she didn 't ansPosted by Today was another laid - back but very hot day here in the park . We have been getting afternoon rains and showers for the past few days but it 's just enough to make it steamy after the rain has fallen . Today I took Stella to work and when we got there , I robbed the money out of the laundry and coke machine there . There were lots and lots of quarters , I expect a couple of hundred dollars worth , since the park was closed last week and no one took the change out . I swept out the laundry to help Stella out after we did the drive - through to see any changes in the park residents . There were no changes in the park , so I was soon finished with my chores there and returned home . Jake had called last night and told me the truck was ready , so I went over to my friend John 's house to see if he would ride over to pick up the truck with me but wasn 't home . He had taken his neighbor to Camperland to pick up his motorhome that had some work done there , so I told Jan , John 's wife , what I needed from him and she said she would tell him when he got home . John came over a little after 3 and we went to get the truck . Jake was ready for me when we got there , so after I paid him , John followed me to drop the car off at Enterprise . I took John home and dropped him off and went to pick up Stella from work . I had called her and told her that I might be late picking her up , but I made it on time after all . She seems to like her new office but there are still a few things that need to be done before it is perfect . We stopped off at HEB and bought a few items and came home and ate bacon and tomato sandwiches for supper . We haven 't completely filled the refrigerator because the new circuit board hasn 't come in and we don 't fully trust the fridge . I stay in touch with Johnny and he tells me it should be in any day . I hope so , we get tired of going to the grocery store every couple of days but at least we have fresh milk and bread . So long . I want to talk a little more on the floods in Arkansas that killed several campers . First of all , I think it is very important for all of us to have some sort of weather alert radio available , especially those of us that full - time and travel extensively . Some that I have seen require a state and county to be entered and some only a zip code . Either way , notification will be given for the area where you are for threatening weather . We use a Midland radio and it seems to work well , but the alert notice is very hard to understand . Another big point is the areas where we go . Many times we are " out in the boonies " with bad or non - existent cell phone service or internet reception . I don 't know of an internet - based alert system yet , but I 'll bet there is either one available or one is being developed . Then one could use a park furnished wifi to connect to the internet and have a weather alert also . Otherwise , I guess we 'll have to depend on the park to alert their guests of bad weather approaching . Today was a pretty slow day here on the Rayford Crossing hacienda . I took Stella to work today in her new office . Gwen and Billy were there already there and working when we arrived and she started right in to work . I helped Billy a little bit , moving things from storage back into the office before I left . When I went back to pick her up , they had made amazing progress . They bought a new desk and it fit nicely in the office . I 'll take some pictures when everything gets arranged and put in place . It looks really nice . We stopped off at the 88 Buffet oriental restaurant for supper . It was very good , much better than most of the other buffets in the area . We will be back there . We came back home in time to see NCIS , my favorite show on television . So long . Let me begin today 's entry by saying how sorry we are to hear the news of the campers that were killed in the RV park in Arkansas . This is a terrible tragedy . May God bless all of them and their families . We had a lot to do today on our last day off . We decided to rent a car , so we would have transportation while the truck was in the shop and so Stella could go to work . Then we had to take the truck back to Jake to have the rest of the work done but first we had to go pick up Stella 's computer . She had also decided to buy some more solar lights to put in our site at the Home Depot . We went to the Home Depot store near the Best Buy store where the computer was , but they were out of the light sets that she wanted We stopped off at the Enterprise Car Rentals on I - 45 where we got a very small Hyundai for a couple of days . This thing is tiny but we had transportation with a good air conditioner , so all is good . Stella followed me to Jake 's shop and we dropped the truck off . We stopped at the Home Depot on Research Forest on our way home and luckily for me , they had the light set that she wanted . I say luckily for me because I had discouraged her from buying them last week when we were there . We had bought two of the single lights to see how they would work and how much light they put out . If we had not been able to find these lights I would never have heard the end of it . By the time we got home it was the middle of the afternoon , so we just hung out at home for the rest if the afternoon . At least when the truck comes back , everything will be fixed and we shouldn 't have any more trouble for awhile , we hope . So long . I woke pretty early this morning and got the boys up earlier than they would have liked , but we learned that Cameron has his end of season party for his baseball team this afternoon at 2 , so we need to get a move on if they want to go eat breakfast . Stella offered to make pancakes for them but they want to go out to eat . We have been seeing ads for Ryan 's for their buffet breakfast , but there aren 't any in north Houston within 20 miles according to their website . We decided to go to IHOP which is pretty near the park . The boys love going there and we timed it perfectly between the crowds . We had no wait when we got there and went right to our table . After breakfast , we came back home and packed up all the boy 's gear that they brought . Stella had washed their clothes a couple of days ago but they still had a huge sack of dirty clothes . I don 't know how they do it . In spite of all the warnings , they forgot to pick up their tackle box but as far as we can tell , that 's all they left here . Since it was the middle of the morning on Sunday , we made a quick trip to Texas City . The traffic wasn 't bad and there were no accidents on the road , so it was a pleasant trip . We got them home before noon . We didn 't stay very long at their house and came on back home to further avoid the Sunday afternoon traffic . On the way home , Stella decided to look for a new laptop computer . We stopped off at the Sam 's club in Texas City but didn 't find anything there , so we went to the Best Buy in League City where I had bought mine . She found one there that she liked and we decided to buy it . They offer several add - on packages , but she decided to just buy the restore disk . After we paid for everything , we learned that it would have been after 5 before it was ready . The clerk told us that we could take it to the store nearest Spring so we wouldn 't have to drive so far . We made a good trip back up here and dropped the computer off at the store here . They said they would have it ready for us first thing in the morning , which was fine with us . We camPosted by Well , here we are , sitting in the heat while the oil spill keeps on ruining the beaches and wildlife areas of the Gulf Coast . I don 't mean to lessen the damage that is being done , but let 's look at this thing realistically . Oil and gas wells have been drilled offshore for about 60 years and this is the first major incident as far as I know . I don 't claim to be an expert on oil spills and leaks but I know there are more than a couple of real experts working on this problem even as we speak . I get real tired of politicians grandstanding and demanding that BP put up twenty billion dollars in an escrow account for the damages . I can 't even write out twenty billion , but that 's only an afternoon 's work for Congress , spending that much money . So much for my BP rant . I got up this morning and had coffee with the guys , but only Ed showed up . Cameron did come down and had part of a cup before he spilled the rest . That Boy ! At least he was up and about before nine . I went over and helped Ed and a new friend named Terry reinstall his awning . He had damaged the barrel of his awning when the canvas filled with rainwater . He had left and forgot to roll the awning in . His wife was running water over some meat to thaw it and heard a noise and went out to check , and found the awning and called Terry . By then the water had filled the sink and was running onto the floor of the trailer , so now they had two messes to clean up . We got the awning replaced after about an hour , but man , was it hot ! I came back home and cooled off ( napped ) in my chair while arguing with Tyler over my computer . He loves to play on it , and we have lively arguments over his time on it . Later in the afternoon , we took them to Red Robin for their supper . They love this place , but its too expensive to go to very often . We came back home and they went for another swim . This is their last night here and they wanted to get in one more swim . So long . I woke to another sticky and warm morning and went down and had coffee with the guys at the rally hall . I wondered if Cameron would come down again for coffee with us , but when I got back home he and Tyler were still piled up in the bed . They slept until after 10 o ' clock this morning ! I guess all the fishing and swimming wore them out . We still didn 't have any wheels , but I spoke with Jake and he said he would bring the truck back here about noon . He got here right on time and showed me what he had done so far , but had not had time to get to the rest . We agreed to bring the truck back to him on Monday but it was nice to have transportation back at last . The boys spent much of the afternoon in the pool again with their friend Joseph . Both of them were sunburned after they spent so much time outdoors . We had talked to our friends Francis and Valle who live here in the park about going to Mel 's Country Kitchen for supper . We left here a little after 4 and made it to the restaurant without any problems with traffic . The restaurant is near Timber Ridge , so when our meal was over , we drove through the park to check the work on the new office . The building is in and in place and they have started working on the wrap - around porch . It should be finished in the next day or so , so Stella can go back to work . We came back home and the boys went swimming again . Thats one of the great things about Rayford , they can have a good time without a lot of supervision from us . I do go down and check on them occasionally , but they enjoy running around and playing . We enjoy it here because we have so many friends here and it seems like home . So long . Today was a very laid back day around here . I went down and made coffee for the guys , so that was an enjoyable way to start the morning . Since we don 't have a truck today , we are very limited with anything to do today . Cameron woke earlier than Tyler and while I was drinking coffee , I noticed him riding his bike near the rally hall . When I got home , Stella said he had come down to drink coffee with me and the guys but he never came over to ask for some . Cam and Tyler spent most of the day either fishing or swimming . They made a new friend named Joseph who is visiting the park with his family . They spent a lot of time with him today and stayed outside , which made it nice for me . I didn 't have to fight either of them over my computer . That smarty pants Tyler made a comment about me spending all day in my chair , but I reminded him that I had come down to the pool twice in the afternoon to check on them . Granted , I didn 't spend a lot of time outside ( it 's HOT ! ! ) but I did get out a few times . Stella fixed us some of her soup for supper , and the boys ate when they came in from the pool . Of course , as soon as they finished eating , they went back down to the pool . They 're probably growing webs between their toes , they spend so much time in the water . At least they 're having fun . So long . We woke to cloudy skies that threatened rain much of the day today . The good thing is that it held the temperatures to the upper 80 's instead of the mid - upper 90 's . Its still very hot but we didn 't have the sun beating down on us all day long . Stella fixed us some breakfast this morning and the boys and I went outside . I went for a walk in the morning and Cam rode his bike along with me . Tyler came back inside and took his familiar place in my recliner with my computer in his lap . Stella went down to wash our clothes in the laundry and about 12 : 30 , Cameron and I took the truck over to Jake 's Automotive to get it worked on . Jake had told me that he had a loaner truck that I could use , but it was gone when we got there . I gave him a list of the items that I wanted him to look at and he brought us back home . He promised to have some of the work done by Friday afternoon , when we will need the truck back . Jake is a good guy and I trust him , but judging by the number of vehicles in his shop , he is soon going to need help in running his business . We came back home and hung out inside , out of the heat for awhile . The boys decided to go swimming , so Stella and I stayed in the trailer until time to eat supper . I walked down and asked them if they were ready to get out and eat , but they said they will come down when they are ready to eat , which is fine with us . They don 't have a chance to swim in a nice pool when they are at home , so I let them play . There were other kids in the pool with them to play with , so they will be fine . Cam decided to go fishing tonight , so Stella cut up some lunchmeat for him to use as bait . He came back home about 8 : 30 and said he had caught some fish , but of course , they are catch and release , so he didn 't keep any of them . Most of the fish in the pond here are tiny and have been caught many times and released . It was another nice and peaceful night at Rayford . So long . Those lazy boys slept late again this morning . When they finally struggled out of the covers we all ate some cereal for breakfast and I went out and ran some errands . I went to the hardware store and bought some nuts to repair the couch . Apparently the boys squirming around in the bed makes the legs wiggle and the nuts had fallen off the screws holding the legs on , so I bought some more nuts to fix it . When I got done there , I went to Ripley 's Automotive to have the dash checked on the truck . When I got there and explained what I wanted done , they again referred me to Jake 's Automotive for work on a diesel . I called Jake and made an appointment with him to set up an appointment for tomorrow for him to get started on the work . While I was at Ripley 's it started to rain hard . The wind was blowing and before we knew it , we were in the middle of a storm ! When it slacked up a bit , I got back in the truck and came back home . Of course the TV had gone out in the storm , so the boys were mad . I told them that there was nothing I could do about the storm having knocked out the park 's Direct TV connection , but they were bored . I told them to go to the pool when the cloud cleared up . During the high winds , one of the premium sites had the umbrella blow away and the glass table top shattered . This was the site where our friends Warren and Judy stay in the winter . also during the storm the power had gone off and the fridge shows to be running on propane but the power is back on , so there is something seriously wrong with the unit . Johnny is supposed to be out tomorrow to check on it , so maybe he will find out what 's wrong . The boys went for their swim when the weather cleared up and Stella and I stayed in the house , thankful for the peace and quiet for a little while . When they finished swimming , we went down and played a few games of ping pong and came back home and ate some leftover sugar - free cobbler . The boys had ice cream and I must confess that I had some too , but it was sooo good ! Stella made her goulash for supper and we Posted by Here is Tyler , being guarded in bed by Cassie . Cam has already gotten up but Tyler likes to sleep in . I don 't blame him because it is his summer break and he needs his rest . Here they are in their normal daytime positions . Cameron is in Stella 's chair on my computer and Tyler is at the table on Stella 's computer . They spend a lot of time in these positions when they visit . Today is our first full day with the boys this summer . They sleep in until 8 o ' clock or so , but their bed isn 't in our way so we can make the coffee and breakfast and not have them in our way , unlike our old trailer that covered the entire living room floor . We took the boys with us to run some errands . We went to the bank and opened a Heartland account for our rallies . This way , we can keep the money separate from our household account and track where we 've spent the money . We went by Timber Ridge to show them where Stella works and for us to look around the park . We found one new trailer in the park , but since we don 't know who has checked in , we can only assume that it is recorded and they paid for the site . The old office is gone but the new one hasn 't been moved in yet . I believe it will be in tomorrow with the utilities to be hooked up later in the week . We went back to Parkway Chevrolet to look further at the ' 09 truck that I found . They did an appraisal on my truck but their offer came back way lower than we had expected - about half of what we expected to get for the truck . I had already looked up our truck on the Kelly Blue Book website to determine a value , but when Helen , our saleslady , came back with their offer , negotiations pretty well stopped . I really don 't understand the deal with General Motors . They have several 2009 trucks that will be two model years old in just a couple of months and they don 't want to deal on them . It 's no wonder they 're bankrupt . They dropped the factory rebates and discounts , then try to steal my trade - in . I understand that they have to make a reasonable profit , but I don 't want to get the company out ofPosted by Here 's our old house in Dickinson after the remodeling is finished and the house is for sale . We just wish we had made the decision to sell it sooner . This morning , we woke pretty late and began to eat our breakfast in the trailer . Tommy called and invited us to eat lunch with them at Cheddars and of course , we did . They came up and picked us up and after a short visit here , we took off for the restaurant . We were there just a few minutes after they opened but we didn 't have a very long wait . I think this place would be just as busy if it were twice the size . The food is very good and reasonably priced . They brought us home and we sat inside , out of the heat for a few minutes before they left to go back home . I had volunteered to help the park out by picking up the trash this afternoon . Chuy is off on Sunday and normally either Billy or Nick picks up the trash , but they were gone for the weekend and I told them I 'd pick it up . They told me not to start until after noon , so everyone would have a chance to get moved out and the trash all put out for pickup . I went and got the golf cart and came and picked up Stella . I let her drive the cart and I walked the park - getting my exercise - and got all the trash bags picked up . It wasn 't a bad job , but it was HOT ! ! I broke a sweat as soon as I came outside , but the job didn 't last all that long . We were glad to pay a little bit back to Billy and Gwen for everything they have done for us over the years . While we were eating at Cheddars , Cameron had called me . Not wanting to interrupt our lunch , I told him I 'd call him back . After getting back home and relaxing for awhile , I called him back . He asked me to come pick him up on Monday and Tyler on Wednesday . It seems that he wants to come on up and Tyler wants to go to Moody Gardens with the day care at the Karate school . After some discussion , it was decided that we would come on down this afternoon and get them and Tyler would blow off his trip . We went on down pretty soon after hanging up the phone . We ran through a heavy rainsPosted by Another lazy but hot Saturday morning here . . . I went down and had coffee with Andy and Ed this morning . This will be Andy 's last coffee here until the fall when they return . He is the last of the Winter Texans to leave and we will miss him . Others that will miss him will be the fish in the local ponds and streams . He is a very avid fisherman and spends much of his day " wetting a hook " and trying to coax the fish to bite it . He must be on a catch and release program because I 've never seen any of his catches nor have I heard of him giving fish away , so they must swim away after being caught . Andy bought a neat little gadget , a floating bobber with a wireless depth finder . He can cast it out and it gives him the depth of the water and also " paints " a picture of any fish below it . It has a screen , one that goes on the rod handle and another model with a wrist band . What will they think of next . . . . I came back home and ate breakfast with Stella this morning . She is off the the next several days because they are moving her office building out and putting in another office / bathhouse . It should be in by the end of next week , so she 'll be back on duty then . We decided that we needed to level the trailer better , I 'm sure that you remember that I moved it over here into this site by myself and it seemed level at the time , but it was off just a bit , so we decided to straighten it out today . It really didn 't take very long but I had to disconnect all the utilities and move the steps away from the trailer and backed it up a couple of feet and added some more blocks to make it level again . When we got through with that project , I decided that since I have the platform in the back of the truck , I would use this to stand on to wash down the front of the trailer . There were many baked - on bugs all over the front and I have gotten tired of looking at it . With arthritis in my shoulders , it 's very hard for me to exert the pressure necessary to scrub with a long handled brush , so I can use the platform to scrape the bugs off the trailer . ItPosted by We woke to the same old - same old weather . Hot and muggy with a small chance of rain . Actually it has rained a small amount this week , but it just makes it steamy . I took Stella to work and did the morning routine for her . She wants me to come back this afternoon to help her get things boxed up in preparation for the office move . Cameron called last night and asked if they can come to the park this weekend to spend some time with us . Yeah , right ! they want to come to hang out with the other kids in the park and swim in the pool . It 's just incidental that we are here too . I did come back over to Timber Ridge this afternoon , but the only things that I needed to box up took me less than 30 minutes to get done , so I spent some time sitting in the truck reading my book . I found an empty site that was shaded and sat there , running the air conditioner only when necessary . I have a theory that it is good for the body to sweat , but with this heat , it doesn 't take long to work up a very body - cleansing sweat . I sat outside as long as I could and went into the office to sit in one of the uncomfortable folding chairs there for awhile . I 'm not complaining about the chairs because they aren 't there for comfort , but for guests that are checking in . On the way home , we heard from Cameron again . It seems that he is coming down with strep throat and will need to stay home until Monday to see how he is doing , so I won 't have to go down and get them tomorrow after all . We met our neighbors , Chuck and Robbie and sat outside with them for awhile tonight . The skeeters got pretty bad and we called it a night . We are in the best sites in the park for evening socializing . We have the afternoon shade , which makes it nice to sit out in the evening . So long . Today was a pretty slow day for us again . I took Stella to work and then went to see my old friend Dave Allen , the Building Official for the city of Tomball . It was good to see him again and we had a nice visit in his office . He took me to lunch at a barbecue restaurant in Tomball and on the way , pointed out some of the new buildings that have been built in town . As the Building Official , he has to do the plan reviews for every building built in the city , then after approval , he and his inspectors oversee the erection process and then inspect the building before it is approved for use . He has a very important job , but he is one of the best and most knowledgeable that I have known . I came back home and finalized our plans for the trip with the boys this summer . I began making reservations , but was very surprised to learn of the up - charges for the two extra people . I don 't see how it costs a park $ 3 . 00 per day extra for the two boys but we have to pay it . It 's a rip off but we 've gotta pay it ! I forgot to mention to you about the @ # $ & fridge . I told you yesterday that it quit working last night , remember ? Well , when I came back from coffee , I opened the door to the freezer and hit the button and it came back on ! This is both good and bad news for us . Johnny has already told me that he can 't do any diagnostics when it 's running , but now we don 't have to worry about putting things into the ice chest . I called him anyway and told him what it is doing and he suggested stopping by the next time he is in the park and will take a look at it and see if he can figure anything out . Here 's hoping . . . We stopped at Pancho 's for supper tonight . Stella found a coupon in Donna 's book for a buy one - get one free deal , so we took advantage . The food seems to have improved at Pancho 's but it 's still less than sterling quality mexican food . At least it filled us up . Cameron called and told us that he made A 's and B 's on his final report card and now will be going into the 5th grade . Tyler also made good grades and will be going into the 8tPosted by Today I got up and made coffee for the guys and sure enough , John showed up with Andy . He said he has been sick for the last few days , so it was good to see him again . I had missed seeing him walking his little dog , so I knew something must be wrong . I took Stella to work and called an old friend of mine that is the Building Official for the city of Tomball and made arrangements to eat lunch with tomorrow . I 'll go to his office and meet him there . Then I went to look at some trucks at Parkway Chevrolet . They have several new ' 09 Chevy 3500 's and one demo unit to look at . I came back home and did some research on the trucks that I looked at . I think they may be a good deal , but it all depends on what the dealer tells me and the price he offers . We 'll see how this works out . Nick brought some boxes over to take to Stella at Timber Ridge . They will be moving into their new building later in the week , so now she can start packing things up . I helped her out this morning by going over to the laundry and robbing the change out of the machines . Wow , there are a lot of quarters in there . she later told me there was almost $ 190 . Lots of clean clothes . . . We went back by Parkway Chevrolet and looked at the trucks again . The saleslady that waited on me was busy and couldn 't come out , but she called me later and apologized . She is going to work up some more figures for us and we 'll see what happens . Donna had given us a coupon book for restaurants in this area , so we took advantage of it and went to Marco 's Mexican restaurant . There used to be one in the Clear Lake area that we went to all the time but it closed , so it was nice to go back to one . The food was good and we enjoyed it , and really enjoyed the two meals for the price of one . When we got home , guess what we discovered ? Yep , you 're right again . The dang refrigerator has stopped working again ! Johnny will be getting a call tomorrow for sure . This is getting silly . So long . Since the fridge is now working again , Stella got up this morning and put everything away from the ice chest back into the refrigerator . This is getting old ! I called Johnny at the RV service and left him a message that the thing is working again . He has already told me that he can 't do any diagnostics if its working , so it is pointless for him to come out . We 'll see how long it lasts this time . Me and some of the guys are having coffee again in the rally hall , so I went down and made it up for us and came back home to shower and clean up . Although I expected a few guys to show up , only Andy came down this morning , so we had plenty of coffee . I came home and ate breakfast before I took Stella to work . When we got there we made a drive around the park to see what differences there were this morning but there was only one new rig in the park . Of course she got everything straightened out shortly and under control like I knew she would . I came home and worked on our summer trip with the boys . Now I just have to talk to Kim about when she needs the boys back to get them ready for school and I can make the reservations . I 'm looking forward to a fun trip with them and it will be their first trip to the Rockies . It should be a lot cooler there to boot , so we 'll all get some relief from this heat . So long . Happy Memorial Day to all the veterans and current armed services personnel on duty throughout the world . Thank you for your service and may God Bless you and the United States . Since the fridge is out , Stella decided to cook up all the meat so it wouldn 't spoil . She spend most of the day cooking but the trailer sure smelled good ! She must have fried up two pounds of bacon , and we made use of it by eating bacon , lettuce and tomato sandwiches . Very tasty ! ! We didn 't do too much today and tried our best to stay out of the heat . Most of the park guests left today so the place is pretty empty . There are a few folks still here but nothing like the weekend . Now guess what ? Yep , the fridge started working on it 's own this evening . The temperature fell overnight and it seems to be working now . We 're holding our breath to see how long it holds out . So long . Another hot day here at Rayford ! Tommy and Susan are leaving this morning so we walked down to tell them goodbye . We took our coffee cups with us and of course , Tommy gave us refills when we got there . I took my BP travel mug that I got from a seminar I went to when I worked in Manvel that was put on by the pipelines and refineries in Brazoria county . The seminar is held once a year at the fairgrounds and is very instructive about first responder 's reactions to emergencies at pipelines and refineries . I remember back in the day when I began my career in law enforcement , we were sent out to investigate anything coming from the plants ; smells , noises etc . I 'm glad that someone finally realized that it is very dangerous to send in unequipped or under equipped people to check out life threatening spills , leaks and very flammable situations . At least now they send the fire department with breathing apparatus and sniffers to tell them when there is danger . After telling them goodbye , we came back home and guess what ? You 're right , the dang refrigerator quit working again . How did you know that ? We can 't figure out why it just quits but it does . And of course , it quit in the middle of the holiday weekend . I called my friend Johnny at Northwest RV Repair in Tomball . He told me to call him back on Tuesday but that after long weekends , it 's very busy but he will work me in . He is the one I used to work on the fridge back in October when it quit working . We 'll see what he finds this time . As I said before , it was another hot day , so we stayed inside most of the day and out of the heat . Late in the afternoon I went to the office and bought a couple of bags of ice to salvage as much as we can from the fridge . We had just begun to fill it back up last week but it wasn 't as full as it could have been . We took out most of the stuff in the refrigerator but it is still cold inside , so hopefully we won 't lose anything . So long .

I slept a little later this morning because I was up so late last night sitting out with our friends , sleeping until about 5AM . I went down and drank coffee with the guys and came back home and took Stella to work . So routine . . . I came back here and washed the truck . It has rained a couple of times recently , just showers , but enough to leave the truck with a layer of dirt and mud all along the sides . It doesn 't take long to wash it but it 's certainly hot work . It dries almost as soon as I stopped squirting water on it , but at least its clean . I picked Stella up from work and we stopped at Marco 's and had supper . This is a pretty good restaurant and although its all mexican food , all the restaurants are different . We started eating here when we had coupons and have just kept eating here . I guess the coupons really do work . We came back home and our friends Larry and Pat came over and sat outside our house , chatting tonight . We didn 't stay out too late tonight because of the flies and skeeters . It has been pleasant to sit outside because we get the early shade , being on the west side of the park and against the tree line . We like these sites and will miss them when we return in October . I 'm still not sure of which site we 'll be in , but it will be a good one . Melissa is working on it for me . So long . Another dull day here . I got up and had coffee as usual , and took Stella to work . We have been talking about having her drive three or four days a week , but she doesn 't like driving in traffic , so we 'll see how that works out . I came back home and picked up around the trailer and swept it out . I figure that since Stella is working , this is the least that I can do . Being a house - husband isn 't really all that bad . I chatted some with John today while outside . Only a few new trailers came in for the weekend , so the park is very quiet . I went to pick up Stella from work and we decided to go out to eat pizza . Stella found a coupon in Donna 's coupon book for Incredible Pizza in Conroe . We went up and it looks very similar to a Chucky Cheese , and aimed at kids , but it was surprisingly good . There was a good selection of pizzas and they were very tasty . We came back home and sat outside with our neighbors Larry and Pat until after 10 o ' clock , way after my normal bedtime . So long . Today was another slow day for us . I got up and went to have coffee with the guys at the rally hall and we have a couple of new fellows . Perhaps the word is getting around . One of them , Larry , is my neighbor across the street in site 106 . He is still working but will retire soon . I took Stella to work and came back and hung out , staying inside as much as possible to stay cool . It is HOTTT down here . I get emails from Donna telling me how cool it is where they are . I 'm envious and can only make plans for other times when we 'll be the one in nice weather when they 're not . . . Nothing very interesting happened today and I went and got Stella after work and we came back home . Stella fixed us some delicious Spanish rice at home and we stayed in all evening . See , I told you it was a slow day . . . So long . Today was a very slow day around here at the Rayford Ranch . . . I took Stella to work and rode home through Tomball and got fuel at the Raceway station where fuel is the cheapest ( $ 2 . 69 ) . I took 21 . 9 gallons to go 339 . 4 miles for a 15 . 49 MPG average . All of this stop and go driving is killing my mileage . I am seriously considering letting Stella drive to work and keep the truck all day long . It will cut our miles by 1 / 2 daily and she has promised to drive it carefully and not run any red lights , causing an accident . I did hear from our old friend Mike and Patrice yesterday that they have bought a used Bighorn 3500 from Lone Star RV ( south ) . You may not remember them because they used to camp out with us a lot but then got involved in motorcycles and sold their truck and trailer . It will be like old times for them to have a trailer again . They are planning to come here for the 4th of July weekend . Mike worked for the LaMarque Police Dept . which is where I began my law enforcement career . He quit about the time I came on board , but we later worked together for the Dickinson Police Dept . He left there after about ten years and went to work for the City of Beaumont and then moved to the City of Missouri City and I again worked for him there doing Code Enforcement . As I said , it was a slow day around here , but another one is in the books . So long . We woke this morning and had breakfast in the trailer , before Stella had to go to work . It worked out pretty well because after the fridge went out , Stella had fried up all the bacon , sausage and ground meats to prevent them from ruining and a package of frozen Pillsbury biscuits that we have been buying for our breakfast . Since the food had already been cooked , all she had to do was put it together , so we had a good breakfast that was quick to prepare . I took her to the park and did the drive - through with her the first thing in the morning . There were no new trailers in , and two had left as planned , so everything was in order this morning . I dropped her off and came back home . I worked some on the October Heartland rally plans and Stella called about 1 o ' clock to ask if I would move a man 's trailer for him . I found out a little bit about it and agreed to move it for him . I met him at the park at 3 , and he took me over to the other side of Tomball where the trailer was . It was near the Countryside RV Park that Stella and I had stayed in after our evacuation for Rita . The trailer was an older Hitchhiker fifth wheel that was in pretty poor condition . The battery was dead and we had to crank up the front landing jacks by hand , which worked up a good sweat for both of us . We checked it over before I hooked up to it , checking the tires and lights and other safety items . The lights didn 't come on at first but soon one of the back tail lights came on and after pulling out , he told me that the brake lights worked too . I made my way carefully through Tomball , avoiding any traffic problems . The first issue I had was at the corner of FM 2920 and FM 2978 where we had to turn left onto 2978 . An 18 wheeler truck and trailer had slipped off into the deep ditch . There was also construction at the corner , which made for a tight turn . I had to swing out very wide to make the turn and still barely missed the truck 's mirror . We made it through , but it was exciting . . . The only other issue I had was at one of the cross - streets . The croPosted by We are going south this morning . Stella is meeting with one of her clients in Texas City and I had called my friend Kristene to set up a lunch meeting with her and any of my other friends that could come by , so we were pretty - well set for today . We left here about 10 : 30 for Alvin and lunch but the traffic was heavier than I had anticipated and it took us until a few minutes after 12 before we got to Kelly 's Restaurant . Luckily for me , Kristene had gotten held up too and she was late , but she arrived a couple of minutes after we did . She said that the others that she had invited were busy today but would come by the next time we are in town . We had a nice visit with her and caught up on our friends that weren 't there . Stella had exchanged text messages with her client all morning and had learned that today was not convenient for a meeting . We will have to come back next Monday or another time to meet with her . We went to our storage building and got the small refrigerator out as well as some small items that I found and decided I needed . We are tired of our fridge problems and will take this small apartment - size refer and will use it outside for cold drinks and water when ours get fixed . From there , we went by Eric 's office in Clear Lake where Stella picked up some paperwork that she needed . She also got in a nice visit with Frances , whom she worked with at Citizen 's state Bank in Dickinson . Traffic wasn 't too bad on the way home and we made it back about 6 : 30 . We had supper and relaxed after a long day of running errands . So long . Wow , I just noticed that yesterday 's post is # 500 ! It seems like only yesterday that I began recording our adventures . We have made so many new friends on this blog . I have enjoyed writing it , although I have gotten behind several times and had to rush to catch up , but I try very hard . Today is Father 's Day , so I hope that all the other fathers have a happy day ; I know I did ! The only bad spot in my day was that the fridge finally gave it up and stopped working . We have already decided that we are going down to Texas City tomorrow and will go by our storage to get the small refrigerator and bring it back . Stella had to go down to the office to turn in some reports from Timber Ridge and while she was there , she spoke with Gwen about our fridge problem . Gwen allowed us to bring our cold food down to the Rayford room to put it in the fridge there . Gwen and Billy are so nice ! How many other parks would let a guest do this ? When we took our things to the park refrigerator , we found that Gwen and her family were having a birthday party for Billy . Actually it was a combination birthday and Father 's day party , and they invited us to stop in and have a drink with them . It was nice spending time with them and we appreciate being invited . Another big plus of staying here . It 's like staying with close friends or relatives . I later took the clothes down to the laundry for Stella to wash . It gave me some good nap time and our clothes got clean to boot . Whats not to like about this ? So long Here we are , another wonderful day in the certifiably nicest medium - size RV park in the state . We have stayed in more than 30 different parks since we retired and began living in our trailer and there is nowhere else that we 'd rather stay . With the amenities and surroundings here , this place is impossible to beat . Apparently TACO , the Texas Association of Campground Owners , felt the same way because they recently bestowed their award for Best Medium Size RV park on Rayford Crossing . Last night , Eddie and Kelly and their son Cody came in for the weekend . Stella had talked to Dee last night and they are supposed to come to the park this afternoon for a visit . Her motheris still in the hospital here and she is stressed out and needs some time with friends . I took Stella to work and stopped off at the Valero to fill up with fuel . Since I have not been keeping track of my fuel usage , I didn 't record how much it took to fill up , but I did get another good price of $ 2 . 71 per gallon . I came back home and had a short visit with Eddie and Kelly at the office , and told them that we would see them later in the afternoon . I went back home and hung out until time to get Stella . She had a visitor , Jackie , one of the Boomers that we haven 't seen in awhile . We had a nice visit with her and came on back home . When we got here , Ricky and Dee were next door at Eddie and Kelly 's trailer . We went over and after chatting with them for about 30 minutes , we decided to go eat at Sweet Bella 's restaurant . It was a fine meal and we were all very full when we left . We came back home and sat outside at Eddie and Kelly 's place until about 9 : 30 . It was a nice way to end the night . So long . Here are the pictures of the new office at Timber Ridge . The office is very nice but still needs a little tweaking before it 's perfect but Billy is working on it every day . Here is Stella , ready for another hard day at work at her new desk . I found out later that this desk is HEAVY ! ! Billy and I lifted one corner of it to slip in a small plastic floor mat for the chair to glide on . Gwen also brought some of the items for sale over from Rayford . With the addition of the bathrooms and showers , this makes this park just about complete . I don 't expect them to do too much more right away and the property is for sale . Today was a pretty slow day for us . I took Stella to work after I had coffee with the guys . I came back home and cleaned up around the trailer a little bit and set out our new patio lights to charge them up . They look very nice and these should make a nice addition to our site . They really put out an amazing amount of light . When I went to pick up Stella , I put some tire shine on my truck tires . Jake had washed it for me because he had gotten greasy fingerprints on the fenders , and it looked so nice that I decided to shine up the wheels and tires . Of course , when I got to Timber Ridge , a heavy shower came over and dirtied up the truck and washed off the tire shine . I should have known better than to have done something like that . So long . Here is Ian with his Dad and Mom in front of their motel in Galveston . I thought it was very nice of him to have brought them with him to visit . Ian and his Pop . I just don 't get to see enough of him . Ian and his MeMaw . The day 's activities . . . I woke this morning and went down to the rally hall to make coffee for the guys and me . This is my routine on the mornings that we get together . I go down about 6 and start the coffee and come back home to get showered and cleaned up . Then we all meet around 7 to solve the world 's problems . I came back home and ate breakfast and took Stella to work . When we got there the air conditioner had stopped working or had frozen up over night . Either way , it was warm in the office . There was nothing for me to do today , so I left . I went home via Tomball to buy fuel and sure enough , the mini gas - price war was still going on and now the Valero has diesel for $ 2 . 69 a gallon . I filled up the big tank and most of the smaller one when Stella called me to come pick her back up . She had called Gwen and was told to take the day off . I 've gotta admit , it would have been miserable in that office with no a / c . I went back and got her but along the way , I stopped off at an upholstery shop to get a quote on fixing a small tear in my seat . The guy told me that most of my seat cover is actually vinyl that looks like leather , and that he can replace the damaged portions for about $ 275 . 00 . Wow , I was expecting to pay much more than that ! We 'll have schedule something with him . We came on back home and relaxed for the rest of the morning . It actually worked out better for us for Stella to have been sent home because Ian brought his Mom and Dad down for a couple of days to visit Galveston , so this gave us a better opportunity to go down to see him . We took a leisurely drive down to the island with little traffic . It was a nice day to be on the highway in Houston with no traffic problems or accidents . When we got to the hotel where they were staying , we tried to call Jennifer on her cell but she didn 't ansPosted by Today was another laid - back but very hot day here in the park . We have been getting afternoon rains and showers for the past few days but it 's just enough to make it steamy after the rain has fallen . Today I took Stella to work and when we got there , I robbed the money out of the laundry and coke machine there . There were lots and lots of quarters , I expect a couple of hundred dollars worth , since the park was closed last week and no one took the change out . I swept out the laundry to help Stella out after we did the drive - through to see any changes in the park residents . There were no changes in the park , so I was soon finished with my chores there and returned home . Jake had called last night and told me the truck was ready , so I went over to my friend John 's house to see if he would ride over to pick up the truck with me but wasn 't home . He had taken his neighbor to Camperland to pick up his motorhome that had some work done there , so I told Jan , John 's wife , what I needed from him and she said she would tell him when he got home . John came over a little after 3 and we went to get the truck . Jake was ready for me when we got there , so after I paid him , John followed me to drop the car off at Enterprise . I took John home and dropped him off and went to pick up Stella from work . I had called her and told her that I might be late picking her up , but I made it on time after all . She seems to like her new office but there are still a few things that need to be done before it is perfect . We stopped off at HEB and bought a few items and came home and ate bacon and tomato sandwiches for supper . We haven 't completely filled the refrigerator because the new circuit board hasn 't come in and we don 't fully trust the fridge . I stay in touch with Johnny and he tells me it should be in any day . I hope so , we get tired of going to the grocery store every couple of days but at least we have fresh milk and bread . So long . I want to talk a little more on the floods in Arkansas that killed several campers . First of all , I think it is very important for all of us to have some sort of weather alert radio available , especially those of us that full - time and travel extensively . Some that I have seen require a state and county to be entered and some only a zip code . Either way , notification will be given for the area where you are for threatening weather . We use a Midland radio and it seems to work well , but the alert notice is very hard to understand . Another big point is the areas where we go . Many times we are " out in the boonies " with bad or non - existent cell phone service or internet reception . I don 't know of an internet - based alert system yet , but I 'll bet there is either one available or one is being developed . Then one could use a park furnished wifi to connect to the internet and have a weather alert also . Otherwise , I guess we 'll have to depend on the park to alert their guests of bad weather approaching . Today was a pretty slow day here on the Rayford Crossing hacienda . I took Stella to work today in her new office . Gwen and Billy were there already there and working when we arrived and she started right in to work . I helped Billy a little bit , moving things from storage back into the office before I left . When I went back to pick her up , they had made amazing progress . They bought a new desk and it fit nicely in the office . I 'll take some pictures when everything gets arranged and put in place . It looks really nice . We stopped off at the 88 Buffet oriental restaurant for supper . It was very good , much better than most of the other buffets in the area . We will be back there . We came back home in time to see NCIS , my favorite show on television . So long . Let me begin today 's entry by saying how sorry we are to hear the news of the campers that were killed in the RV park in Arkansas . This is a terrible tragedy . May God bless all of them and their families . We had a lot to do today on our last day off . We decided to rent a car , so we would have transportation while the truck was in the shop and so Stella could go to work . Then we had to take the truck back to Jake to have the rest of the work done but first we had to go pick up Stella 's computer . She had also decided to buy some more solar lights to put in our site at the Home Depot . We went to the Home Depot store near the Best Buy store where the computer was , but they were out of the light sets that she wanted We stopped off at the Enterprise Car Rentals on I - 45 where we got a very small Hyundai for a couple of days . This thing is tiny but we had transportation with a good air conditioner , so all is good . Stella followed me to Jake 's shop and we dropped the truck off . We stopped at the Home Depot on Research Forest on our way home and luckily for me , they had the light set that she wanted . I say luckily for me because I had discouraged her from buying them last week when we were there . We had bought two of the single lights to see how they would work and how much light they put out . If we had not been able to find these lights I would never have heard the end of it . By the time we got home it was the middle of the afternoon , so we just hung out at home for the rest if the afternoon . At least when the truck comes back , everything will be fixed and we shouldn 't have any more trouble for awhile , we hope . So long . I woke pretty early this morning and got the boys up earlier than they would have liked , but we learned that Cameron has his end of season party for his baseball team this afternoon at 2 , so we need to get a move on if they want to go eat breakfast . Stella offered to make pancakes for them but they want to go out to eat . We have been seeing ads for Ryan 's for their buffet breakfast , but there aren 't any in north Houston within 20 miles according to their website . We decided to go to IHOP which is pretty near the park . The boys love going there and we timed it perfectly between the crowds . We had no wait when we got there and went right to our table . After breakfast , we came back home and packed up all the boy 's gear that they brought . Stella had washed their clothes a couple of days ago but they still had a huge sack of dirty clothes . I don 't know how they do it . In spite of all the warnings , they forgot to pick up their tackle box but as far as we can tell , that 's all they left here . Since it was the middle of the morning on Sunday , we made a quick trip to Texas City . The traffic wasn 't bad and there were no accidents on the road , so it was a pleasant trip . We got them home before noon . We didn 't stay very long at their house and came on back home to further avoid the Sunday afternoon traffic . On the way home , Stella decided to look for a new laptop computer . We stopped off at the Sam 's club in Texas City but didn 't find anything there , so we went to the Best Buy in League City where I had bought mine . She found one there that she liked and we decided to buy it . They offer several add - on packages , but she decided to just buy the restore disk . After we paid for everything , we learned that it would have been after 5 before it was ready . The clerk told us that we could take it to the store nearest Spring so we wouldn 't have to drive so far . We made a good trip back up here and dropped the computer off at the store here . They said they would have it ready for us first thing in the morning , which was fine with us . We camPosted by Well , here we are , sitting in the heat while the oil spill keeps on ruining the beaches and wildlife areas of the Gulf Coast . I don 't mean to lessen the damage that is being done , but let 's look at this thing realistically . Oil and gas wells have been drilled offshore for about 60 years and this is the first major incident as far as I know . I don 't claim to be an expert on oil spills and leaks but I know there are more than a couple of real experts working on this problem even as we speak . I get real tired of politicians grandstanding and demanding that BP put up twenty billion dollars in an escrow account for the damages . I can 't even write out twenty billion , but that 's only an afternoon 's work for Congress , spending that much money . So much for my BP rant . I got up this morning and had coffee with the guys , but only Ed showed up . Cameron did come down and had part of a cup before he spilled the rest . That Boy ! At least he was up and about before nine . I went over and helped Ed and a new friend named Terry reinstall his awning . He had damaged the barrel of his awning when the canvas filled with rainwater . He had left and forgot to roll the awning in . His wife was running water over some meat to thaw it and heard a noise and went out to check , and found the awning and called Terry . By then the water had filled the sink and was running onto the floor of the trailer , so now they had two messes to clean up . We got the awning replaced after about an hour , but man , was it hot ! I came back home and cooled off ( napped ) in my chair while arguing with Tyler over my computer . He loves to play on it , and we have lively arguments over his time on it . Later in the afternoon , we took them to Red Robin for their supper . They love this place , but its too expensive to go to very often . We came back home and they went for another swim . This is their last night here and they wanted to get in one more swim . So long . I woke to another sticky and warm morning and went down and had coffee with the guys at the rally hall . I wondered if Cameron would come down again for coffee with us , but when I got back home he and Tyler were still piled up in the bed . They slept until after 10 o ' clock this morning ! I guess all the fishing and swimming wore them out . We still didn 't have any wheels , but I spoke with Jake and he said he would bring the truck back here about noon . He got here right on time and showed me what he had done so far , but had not had time to get to the rest . We agreed to bring the truck back to him on Monday but it was nice to have transportation back at last . The boys spent much of the afternoon in the pool again with their friend Joseph . Both of them were sunburned after they spent so much time outdoors . We had talked to our friends Francis and Valle who live here in the park about going to Mel 's Country Kitchen for supper . We left here a little after 4 and made it to the restaurant without any problems with traffic . The restaurant is near Timber Ridge , so when our meal was over , we drove through the park to check the work on the new office . The building is in and in place and they have started working on the wrap - around porch . It should be finished in the next day or so , so Stella can go back to work . We came back home and the boys went swimming again . Thats one of the great things about Rayford , they can have a good time without a lot of supervision from us . I do go down and check on them occasionally , but they enjoy running around and playing . We enjoy it here because we have so many friends here and it seems like home . So long . Today was a very laid back day around here . I went down and made coffee for the guys , so that was an enjoyable way to start the morning . Since we don 't have a truck today , we are very limited with anything to do today . Cameron woke earlier than Tyler and while I was drinking coffee , I noticed him riding his bike near the rally hall . When I got home , Stella said he had come down to drink coffee with me and the guys but he never came over to ask for some . Cam and Tyler spent most of the day either fishing or swimming . They made a new friend named Joseph who is visiting the park with his family . They spent a lot of time with him today and stayed outside , which made it nice for me . I didn 't have to fight either of them over my computer . That smarty pants Tyler made a comment about me spending all day in my chair , but I reminded him that I had come down to the pool twice in the afternoon to check on them . Granted , I didn 't spend a lot of time outside ( it 's HOT ! ! ) but I did get out a few times . Stella fixed us some of her soup for supper , and the boys ate when they came in from the pool . Of course , as soon as they finished eating , they went back down to the pool . They 're probably growing webs between their toes , they spend so much time in the water . At least they 're having fun . So long . We woke to cloudy skies that threatened rain much of the day today . The good thing is that it held the temperatures to the upper 80 's instead of the mid - upper 90 's . Its still very hot but we didn 't have the sun beating down on us all day long . Stella fixed us some breakfast this morning and the boys and I went outside . I went for a walk in the morning and Cam rode his bike along with me . Tyler came back inside and took his familiar place in my recliner with my computer in his lap . Stella went down to wash our clothes in the laundry and about 12 : 30 , Cameron and I took the truck over to Jake 's Automotive to get it worked on . Jake had told me that he had a loaner truck that I could use , but it was gone when we got there . I gave him a list of the items that I wanted him to look at and he brought us back home . He promised to have some of the work done by Friday afternoon , when we will need the truck back . Jake is a good guy and I trust him , but judging by the number of vehicles in his shop , he is soon going to need help in running his business . We came back home and hung out inside , out of the heat for awhile . The boys decided to go swimming , so Stella and I stayed in the trailer until time to eat supper . I walked down and asked them if they were ready to get out and eat , but they said they will come down when they are ready to eat , which is fine with us . They don 't have a chance to swim in a nice pool when they are at home , so I let them play . There were other kids in the pool with them to play with , so they will be fine . Cam decided to go fishing tonight , so Stella cut up some lunchmeat for him to use as bait . He came back home about 8 : 30 and said he had caught some fish , but of course , they are catch and release , so he didn 't keep any of them . Most of the fish in the pond here are tiny and have been caught many times and released . It was another nice and peaceful night at Rayford . So long . Those lazy boys slept late again this morning . When they finally struggled out of the covers we all ate some cereal for breakfast and I went out and ran some errands . I went to the hardware store and bought some nuts to repair the couch . Apparently the boys squirming around in the bed makes the legs wiggle and the nuts had fallen off the screws holding the legs on , so I bought some more nuts to fix it . When I got done there , I went to Ripley 's Automotive to have the dash checked on the truck . When I got there and explained what I wanted done , they again referred me to Jake 's Automotive for work on a diesel . I called Jake and made an appointment with him to set up an appointment for tomorrow for him to get started on the work . While I was at Ripley 's it started to rain hard . The wind was blowing and before we knew it , we were in the middle of a storm ! When it slacked up a bit , I got back in the truck and came back home . Of course the TV had gone out in the storm , so the boys were mad . I told them that there was nothing I could do about the storm having knocked out the park 's Direct TV connection , but they were bored . I told them to go to the pool when the cloud cleared up . During the high winds , one of the premium sites had the umbrella blow away and the glass table top shattered . This was the site where our friends Warren and Judy stay in the winter . also during the storm the power had gone off and the fridge shows to be running on propane but the power is back on , so there is something seriously wrong with the unit . Johnny is supposed to be out tomorrow to check on it , so maybe he will find out what 's wrong . The boys went for their swim when the weather cleared up and Stella and I stayed in the house , thankful for the peace and quiet for a little while . When they finished swimming , we went down and played a few games of ping pong and came back home and ate some leftover sugar - free cobbler . The boys had ice cream and I must confess that I had some too , but it was sooo good ! Stella made her goulash for supper and we Posted by Here is Tyler , being guarded in bed by Cassie . Cam has already gotten up but Tyler likes to sleep in . I don 't blame him because it is his summer break and he needs his rest . Here they are in their normal daytime positions . Cameron is in Stella 's chair on my computer and Tyler is at the table on Stella 's computer . They spend a lot of time in these positions when they visit . Today is our first full day with the boys this summer . They sleep in until 8 o ' clock or so , but their bed isn 't in our way so we can make the coffee and breakfast and not have them in our way , unlike our old trailer that covered the entire living room floor . We took the boys with us to run some errands . We went to the bank and opened a Heartland account for our rallies . This way , we can keep the money separate from our household account and track where we 've spent the money . We went by Timber Ridge to show them where Stella works and for us to look around the park . We found one new trailer in the park , but since we don 't know who has checked in , we can only assume that it is recorded and they paid for the site . The old office is gone but the new one hasn 't been moved in yet . I believe it will be in tomorrow with the utilities to be hooked up later in the week . We went back to Parkway Chevrolet to look further at the ' 09 truck that I found . They did an appraisal on my truck but their offer came back way lower than we had expected - about half of what we expected to get for the truck . I had already looked up our truck on the Kelly Blue Book website to determine a value , but when Helen , our saleslady , came back with their offer , negotiations pretty well stopped . I really don 't understand the deal with General Motors . They have several 2009 trucks that will be two model years old in just a couple of months and they don 't want to deal on them . It 's no wonder they 're bankrupt . They dropped the factory rebates and discounts , then try to steal my trade - in . I understand that they have to make a reasonable profit , but I don 't want to get the company out ofPosted by Here 's our old house in Dickinson after the remodeling is finished and the house is for sale . We just wish we had made the decision to sell it sooner . This morning , we woke pretty late and began to eat our breakfast in the trailer . Tommy called and invited us to eat lunch with them at Cheddars and of course , we did . They came up and picked us up and after a short visit here , we took off for the restaurant . We were there just a few minutes after they opened but we didn 't have a very long wait . I think this place would be just as busy if it were twice the size . The food is very good and reasonably priced . They brought us home and we sat inside , out of the heat for a few minutes before they left to go back home . I had volunteered to help the park out by picking up the trash this afternoon . Chuy is off on Sunday and normally either Billy or Nick picks up the trash , but they were gone for the weekend and I told them I 'd pick it up . They told me not to start until after noon , so everyone would have a chance to get moved out and the trash all put out for pickup . I went and got the golf cart and came and picked up Stella . I let her drive the cart and I walked the park - getting my exercise - and got all the trash bags picked up . It wasn 't a bad job , but it was HOT ! ! I broke a sweat as soon as I came outside , but the job didn 't last all that long . We were glad to pay a little bit back to Billy and Gwen for everything they have done for us over the years . While we were eating at Cheddars , Cameron had called me . Not wanting to interrupt our lunch , I told him I 'd call him back . After getting back home and relaxing for awhile , I called him back . He asked me to come pick him up on Monday and Tyler on Wednesday . It seems that he wants to come on up and Tyler wants to go to Moody Gardens with the day care at the Karate school . After some discussion , it was decided that we would come on down this afternoon and get them and Tyler would blow off his trip . We went on down pretty soon after hanging up the phone . We ran through a heavy rainsPosted by Another lazy but hot Saturday morning here . . . I went down and had coffee with Andy and Ed this morning . This will be Andy 's last coffee here until the fall when they return . He is the last of the Winter Texans to leave and we will miss him . Others that will miss him will be the fish in the local ponds and streams . He is a very avid fisherman and spends much of his day " wetting a hook " and trying to coax the fish to bite it . He must be on a catch and release program because I 've never seen any of his catches nor have I heard of him giving fish away , so they must swim away after being caught . Andy bought a neat little gadget , a floating bobber with a wireless depth finder . He can cast it out and it gives him the depth of the water and also " paints " a picture of any fish below it . It has a screen , one that goes on the rod handle and another model with a wrist band . What will they think of next . . . . I came back home and ate breakfast with Stella this morning . She is off the the next several days because they are moving her office building out and putting in another office / bathhouse . It should be in by the end of next week , so she 'll be back on duty then . We decided that we needed to level the trailer better , I 'm sure that you remember that I moved it over here into this site by myself and it seemed level at the time , but it was off just a bit , so we decided to straighten it out today . It really didn 't take very long but I had to disconnect all the utilities and move the steps away from the trailer and backed it up a couple of feet and added some more blocks to make it level again . When we got through with that project , I decided that since I have the platform in the back of the truck , I would use this to stand on to wash down the front of the trailer . There were many baked - on bugs all over the front and I have gotten tired of looking at it . With arthritis in my shoulders , it 's very hard for me to exert the pressure necessary to scrub with a long handled brush , so I can use the platform to scrape the bugs off the trailer . ItPosted by We woke to the same old - same old weather . Hot and muggy with a small chance of rain . Actually it has rained a small amount this week , but it just makes it steamy . I took Stella to work and did the morning routine for her . She wants me to come back this afternoon to help her get things boxed up in preparation for the office move . Cameron called last night and asked if they can come to the park this weekend to spend some time with us . Yeah , right ! they want to come to hang out with the other kids in the park and swim in the pool . It 's just incidental that we are here too . I did come back over to Timber Ridge this afternoon , but the only things that I needed to box up took me less than 30 minutes to get done , so I spent some time sitting in the truck reading my book . I found an empty site that was shaded and sat there , running the air conditioner only when necessary . I have a theory that it is good for the body to sweat , but with this heat , it doesn 't take long to work up a very body - cleansing sweat . I sat outside as long as I could and went into the office to sit in one of the uncomfortable folding chairs there for awhile . I 'm not complaining about the chairs because they aren 't there for comfort , but for guests that are checking in . On the way home , we heard from Cameron again . It seems that he is coming down with strep throat and will need to stay home until Monday to see how he is doing , so I won 't have to go down and get them tomorrow after all . We met our neighbors , Chuck and Robbie and sat outside with them for awhile tonight . The skeeters got pretty bad and we called it a night . We are in the best sites in the park for evening socializing . We have the afternoon shade , which makes it nice to sit out in the evening . So long . Today was a pretty slow day for us again . I took Stella to work and then went to see my old friend Dave Allen , the Building Official for the city of Tomball . It was good to see him again and we had a nice visit in his office . He took me to lunch at a barbecue restaurant in Tomball and on the way , pointed out some of the new buildings that have been built in town . As the Building Official , he has to do the plan reviews for every building built in the city , then after approval , he and his inspectors oversee the erection process and then inspect the building before it is approved for use . He has a very important job , but he is one of the best and most knowledgeable that I have known . I came back home and finalized our plans for the trip with the boys this summer . I began making reservations , but was very surprised to learn of the up - charges for the two extra people . I don 't see how it costs a park $ 3 . 00 per day extra for the two boys but we have to pay it . It 's a rip off but we 've gotta pay it ! I forgot to mention to you about the @ # $ & fridge . I told you yesterday that it quit working last night , remember ? Well , when I came back from coffee , I opened the door to the freezer and hit the button and it came back on ! This is both good and bad news for us . Johnny has already told me that he can 't do any diagnostics when it 's running , but now we don 't have to worry about putting things into the ice chest . I called him anyway and told him what it is doing and he suggested stopping by the next time he is in the park and will take a look at it and see if he can figure anything out . Here 's hoping . . . We stopped at Pancho 's for supper tonight . Stella found a coupon in Donna 's book for a buy one - get one free deal , so we took advantage . The food seems to have improved at Pancho 's but it 's still less than sterling quality mexican food . At least it filled us up . Cameron called and told us that he made A 's and B 's on his final report card and now will be going into the 5th grade . Tyler also made good grades and will be going into the 8tPosted by Today I got up and made coffee for the guys and sure enough , John showed up with Andy . He said he has been sick for the last few days , so it was good to see him again . I had missed seeing him walking his little dog , so I knew something must be wrong . I took Stella to work and called an old friend of mine that is the Building Official for the city of Tomball and made arrangements to eat lunch with tomorrow . I 'll go to his office and meet him there . Then I went to look at some trucks at Parkway Chevrolet . They have several new ' 09 Chevy 3500 's and one demo unit to look at . I came back home and did some research on the trucks that I looked at . I think they may be a good deal , but it all depends on what the dealer tells me and the price he offers . We 'll see how this works out . Nick brought some boxes over to take to Stella at Timber Ridge . They will be moving into their new building later in the week , so now she can start packing things up . I helped her out this morning by going over to the laundry and robbing the change out of the machines . Wow , there are a lot of quarters in there . she later told me there was almost $ 190 . Lots of clean clothes . . . We went back by Parkway Chevrolet and looked at the trucks again . The saleslady that waited on me was busy and couldn 't come out , but she called me later and apologized . She is going to work up some more figures for us and we 'll see what happens . Donna had given us a coupon book for restaurants in this area , so we took advantage of it and went to Marco 's Mexican restaurant . There used to be one in the Clear Lake area that we went to all the time but it closed , so it was nice to go back to one . The food was good and we enjoyed it , and really enjoyed the two meals for the price of one . When we got home , guess what we discovered ? Yep , you 're right again . The dang refrigerator has stopped working again ! Johnny will be getting a call tomorrow for sure . This is getting silly . So long . Since the fridge is now working again , Stella got up this morning and put everything away from the ice chest back into the refrigerator . This is getting old ! I called Johnny at the RV service and left him a message that the thing is working again . He has already told me that he can 't do any diagnostics if its working , so it is pointless for him to come out . We 'll see how long it lasts this time . Me and some of the guys are having coffee again in the rally hall , so I went down and made it up for us and came back home to shower and clean up . Although I expected a few guys to show up , only Andy came down this morning , so we had plenty of coffee . I came home and ate breakfast before I took Stella to work . When we got there we made a drive around the park to see what differences there were this morning but there was only one new rig in the park . Of course she got everything straightened out shortly and under control like I knew she would . I came home and worked on our summer trip with the boys . Now I just have to talk to Kim about when she needs the boys back to get them ready for school and I can make the reservations . I 'm looking forward to a fun trip with them and it will be their first trip to the Rockies . It should be a lot cooler there to boot , so we 'll all get some relief from this heat . So long . Happy Memorial Day to all the veterans and current armed services personnel on duty throughout the world . Thank you for your service and may God Bless you and the United States . Since the fridge is out , Stella decided to cook up all the meat so it wouldn 't spoil . She spend most of the day cooking but the trailer sure smelled good ! She must have fried up two pounds of bacon , and we made use of it by eating bacon , lettuce and tomato sandwiches . Very tasty ! ! We didn 't do too much today and tried our best to stay out of the heat . Most of the park guests left today so the place is pretty empty . There are a few folks still here but nothing like the weekend . Now guess what ? Yep , the fridge started working on it 's own this evening . The temperature fell overnight and it seems to be working now . We 're holding our breath to see how long it holds out . So long . Another hot day here at Rayford ! Tommy and Susan are leaving this morning so we walked down to tell them goodbye . We took our coffee cups with us and of course , Tommy gave us refills when we got there . I took my BP travel mug that I got from a seminar I went to when I worked in Manvel that was put on by the pipelines and refineries in Brazoria county . The seminar is held once a year at the fairgrounds and is very instructive about first responder 's reactions to emergencies at pipelines and refineries . I remember back in the day when I began my career in law enforcement , we were sent out to investigate anything coming from the plants ; smells , noises etc . I 'm glad that someone finally realized that it is very dangerous to send in unequipped or under equipped people to check out life threatening spills , leaks and very flammable situations . At least now they send the fire department with breathing apparatus and sniffers to tell them when there is danger . After telling them goodbye , we came back home and guess what ? You 're right , the dang refrigerator quit working again . How did you know that ? We can 't figure out why it just quits but it does . And of course , it quit in the middle of the holiday weekend . I called my friend Johnny at Northwest RV Repair in Tomball . He told me to call him back on Tuesday but that after long weekends , it 's very busy but he will work me in . He is the one I used to work on the fridge back in October when it quit working . We 'll see what he finds this time . As I said before , it was another hot day , so we stayed inside most of the day and out of the heat . Late in the afternoon I went to the office and bought a couple of bags of ice to salvage as much as we can from the fridge . We had just begun to fill it back up last week but it wasn 't as full as it could have been . We took out most of the stuff in the refrigerator but it is still cold inside , so hopefully we won 't lose anything . So long .

I have finished the secret crochet project , and I 'm wondering what 's next . There 's still Sara 's sweater to work on , but I 've got a hankering to knit something different . I 've been looking on Ravelry , and haven 't come up with anything yet . I 'm also keeping an eye on my lilac bushes , waiting to see if any of the three will bloom this year . I have high hopes for Miss Kim . Only time will tell . When I got home this morning , I was not feeling all that well . I was very tired , and decided to go take a nap after Hubs left for work . Today wasn 't a scheduled day for hm , but he was asked to come in and help . So I had a small cuppa coffee , ate something , did my farming chores on farmville , and then hit the bed . I got about an hour and a half 's worth of nap . I didn 't want to nap for too long , or there might be problems sleeping tonight . Finally , Spring has arrived , with all her glory . The grass is turning green again , and the trees are budding . I took a few photos around the house for you to see . She is one of the three lilac bushes Hubs gave me for Mother 's Day last year . I really hope she flowers this year ! Here is a view of the budding trees to the west of my house . It 's a wooded lot . And finally , a close up of some of the Anemone buds that are growing under our front window . I love Spring so much . It 's getting warmer , and I can open the windows to let in the fresh air . As long as I close them again in the evening before it gets too cold . Hubs doesn 't like the cold air at night . I , however , love it . I sleep better when it 's a little cold in our bedroom . Posted by I 'm knitting today ! Yay , I 'm knitting today ! At first I didn 't feel very well , so I just sat here drinking my coffee . After a while , I started feeling better , so I broke out the knitting . The secret crochet project is almost done , I 'm sad to see that finished so soon . But there are more in the planning stage , don 't you worry ! I am knitting in between doing laundry and washing up some dishes , as usual . Or else I 'd just knit and nothing at all would get done ! It 's a beautiful Spring day , and here I sit inside knitting . I have been waiting for the jeweler to call to tell me that my watch is ready . It 's been two weeks today . That 's one reason I haven 't left the house , I don 't want to miss that call . I can 't wait to get it back , I want to take a photo so you can all see it . Posted by Today , I exercised my 2nd amendment rights , and shot at some targets with Hubs . It was fun , and we had a good time . He says I did pretty good . I have a feeling , deep in my gut , that the rest of this year is going to be the longest in history . It 's moving so slowly right now , I can 't stand it . There are reasons why , which I cannot discuss . My mind is absolutely aflame with ideas of things to create . Maybe I should write them down so I don 't forget them . I got to spend a few hours today with my BKF ( best kid friend ) and her mom . We had a good time , hanging out and then going to the mall to build a bear . It was so tempting to buy a bear , bunny , or monkey , but I managed to not splurge . This time . Today is also my bestest friends birthday ! She turned the big 5 - 0 , and she doesn 't look like it at all ! Her family had set up a surprise for her , and I hope it worked out as planned . I think I was the first of what I hope was many . I haven 't knit traditionally today , but I have been working on a little something on one of those knitting loom things . I will let you know how that works out . I think it 's time for me to say goodnight , Gracie , as I need to go pour myself another drink . Posted by That 's right , there 's no progress on Sara 's sweater to report . To be brutally honest , my mind is on something else right now . But I will pick it up again soon , I think . I know she was excited at the prospect of having a mom - made sweater ! I was so tired today , I actually laid down to take a nap this afternoon . I could have slept , but I was concerned that I would sleep for too long , so I didn 't let myself fall asleep . I finally came out , and decided to watch the latest episode of Lost Girl on demand , I missed it Monday night . I fell asleep before it was over . And just as the program started , Hubs called me , to let me know he was on his way home from work . So maybe I was right not to nap . But now I 'm extremely tired , so I 'll probably go to bed early tonight . Posted by This morning , I went to see the brain doctor to go over the results of my MRI and MRA . It turns out that my brain is fine . And I have it in writing , so I don 't care what anyone says . After that , I drove down to mom 's . The idea was to unpack a few more boxes , and take her to Wal - Mart for a new toaster oven and to look at curtains . When I got there , she had no power ! Apparently the workmen in the complex dug through wires that they didn 't know were there . We did go to the drug store , but the power still wasn 't on when we got back . By the time it did come back on , we didn 't feel like going out . And we didn 't unpack any boxes , since it was so overcast there was not any light coming in the windows , and it was too darn dark in there . Basically we sat around and talked all day . Then Sara came , as she does nearly every Tuesday , to have dinner with mom . This time it was the three of us . Sara brought Chinese with her . Yummy ! After dinner , both Sara and I headed home . She was really tired , and so was I . So once again , I didn 't get to knit . But I have been working on a super secret crochet project . More details on that in a later post . All in all , not a bad day , even if I didn 't get to knit . I think , as a kid , everyone chooses a super power they would want . It 's only natural , with all the super hero comic books we grew up with ! I have to say that over the years , I 've gone through a few different ones myself . The first one I wanted was the ability to fly . I used to run down the hill next to our house in Lake Peekskill so fast that it felt like I could take off . I would dream about that , running down the hill , and pushing off with both feet , up into the air . I would fly around the neighborhood , seeing all my friends . For the longest time , I just wanted to fly . But recently , I 've been rethinking that choice . Especially since I 'm really terrified of the dark . So I changed my mind about my super power . I want the abiliy to create light around me . Shoot light out of my hands , even . Then today , I asked my question on facebook . I got several interesting answers . But even asking the question made me think about it some more . I mean , it would really be cool to make light around me , but wouldn 't it be more useful , given my phobia , to be able to see in the dark ? Let 's add heat sensing to that too . I would love to hear from my readers . Tell me what super power you would want , and why ! I look forward to reading your responses ! Posted by Sunday hanging Yesterday , I didn 't post , I had nothing to say . Sorry about that . I 'm all recuperated from my brief intense illness , and back to normal . Today , I drove to my daughter Sara 's house , and got to hang for a while with her friends Aaron and Christine E . , and their new baby girl Nora . She is the cutest thing I have seen in a long time ! I got to hold her , and even made her smile and laugh . She made my day . After they began their trek back to Long Island , I hung with Sara and her hubs for a while , then I accompanied Sara while she went grocery shopping . That was fun . I enjoy spending time with my daughter . I 'm home now , and very tired . I was up at the ass - crack of dawn this morning , but my poor Hubs was up even earlier than that . I will probably go to bed early tonight , as I have to get up early in the morning . I 'll be honest , I could go to sleep right now , but if I do , I won 't sleep tonight . So I 'm gonna try and stay awake as long as I can . Posted by We turned up the road that went up the big hill to the lake we lived on . At the top of the hill , in the center of our little neighborhood , one of the buildings was on fire ! There was much excitement , and firetrucks and everything . It might have been the neighborhood bar that was on fire , I know it was near the tiny little Post Office . Ever since then , I have been very careful not to say that things are boring . You never know , I could start another fire . Until recently , that is . You see , yesterday , I believe I said something about how boring life was on that particular day . And I paid the price for that little indescretion . This morning , I had to be taken for medical help . It 's a darn good thing Hubs could leave work . I am fine now , after we got home , I took a good long nap . Hubs has even cooked dinner tonight . I believe I 've learned my lesson , and will never again utter the phrase " this is boring , nothing ever happens . . . " In closing , I would like to point out that yesterday 's non - post was my own little moment of silence for all the recent victims of bombings , explosions , and shootings . Nothing I could say was more important than that . Posted by I found the time to work on Sara 's sweater today , after yesterdays unending headache . It 's coming along swimmingly , progress is being made . Slowly but surely ! I have a definite length measurement that I got from Sara when she tried it on . I need 17 inches from the bottom of the armhole . I am going to add one inch for the curling up . I hope that 's enough . Since the two rows of purling done on my sweater didn 't work out too well , I won 't be doing that on Sara 's . The idea of the purling was to stop the curling . The curl was supposed to go over the purling , but it didn 't work out that way . Oh well . It 's my sweater , and I am OK with it . I want my beautiful daughter to be proud of the very first sweater I 've made for her . Over the years , I 've crocheted many afghans , but this is my first knitted sweater for her . Let 's keep our fingers crossed that she likes it , and will wear it ! Posted by As some of you may know , I have Pulmonary Sarcoidosis , and Asthma . I take a few prescription drugs to help me breathe . Note : I just added the Asthma , as an afterthought , since I 'm now out of the Asthma closet . . . . Anyway , every single one of my medications lists " headache " as a possible side effect . So I have headaches . Every single day . I take three Ibuprofen when I get up in the morning , and three more when the evening headache strikes . I like to wait for that one , just to see what time it comes . It usually happens between 5 : 30 and 8 pm . Well , twice in the last week , I haven 't gotten my evening headache ! Last Wednesday , after a long day of helping mom move , I got home , took a shower then made dinner . I realized as I went to bed that my regularly scheduled headache hadn 't yet shown up . During the night as I was on my way to the bathroom , I noticed it had arrived with a vengeance . But I was too tired to go to the kitchen and take anything . It was still there when I got up . Last night , at about 10 pm , I again realized that my evening headache hadn 't shown up . This time , it didn 't come during the night , but I did wake up with a whopper this morning . I took my morning Ibuprofen , but the headache wouldn 't let go . I ended up going back to bed about 10 am for a nap . I feel better now , but I am wondering if this is a sign of things to come . I sincerely hope not . I 'd rather have an evening headache then getting one in the night , or waking up with it in the morning . And next week I 'll find out the results of the MRI they did on my brain . Yay , something to look forward to ! P . S . Another day of no knitting . Not feeling so good today , I might go back to bed again . . . . Finally , about 5 pm last evening , I picked up my knitting and started in . I think I went around a couple of times . Then Hubs came home , and I put it down . But I took it with me to child - sit this morning , and worked on it some more . So I 'm getting there . Today , I may knit some more . When I took the sweater for Sara to try on , she remarked that by the time I would finally finish it , it will be well into Summer , when she wouldn 't be able to wear it . Oh well , that 's the way things work out sometimes . I am now having my coffee , and watching Graham Norton on BBCA . Love that show , he always makes me laugh . With just one more thought , I will take my leave for the day . I heard about Justin Beiber at the Anne Frank house . That stupid boy needs to be reminded that the whole world DOES NOT revolve around him . She would soooo NOT be a " Belieber " . Someone please kick him in the ass for me . Posted by For those of you who like to keep track of such things , I think it 's been at least 4 days since I worked on Sara 's sweater . I 've been too darn busy to knit . Today , however , I plan to not leave the house , to not even get dressed . I am going to have my coffee , and knit . Then do some laundry , and knit . Then wash some dishes , and knit some more . I might even have lunch and knit . It 's going to be a veritable knitting love fest . Well I didn 't get to stay home all day , I made myself take back two big garbage bags of water bottles . I got $ 5 for them . And with that , I was able to get more half and half . And I haven 't knitted a single stitch yet . I just don 't feel like it . Right now , I think I 'll start some laundry . . . My mom gave the watch to me last week , when I was there helping to pack , pre - move . It was her grandmother 's watch , and she remembers her grandmother wearing it when she was a child . I fell in love with the watch . It looks very Art Deco - ish . I took it to a man in Fishkill , who I know would know how to deal with it . He told me it is from approximately 1910 . He can clean it up and make it so it works . He will call me in about two weeks . I am absolutely thrilled ! Like I said , I love the watch , and it fits me . Right now , I wish I had taken a photo of it . Oh yeah , my great grandmother 's initials are engraved on the back . E L B . My mom said her name was Edythe Lenore Berry . Her maiden name was Chapman . I can 't wait to get it back ! I will wear it with pride , I can assure you . I just have to remember to take it off then I take a shower or wash dishes . I 'm not used to wearing a watch . Posted by All my life , I have been a pepperoni girl . Loved , loved , loved pepperoni . Over the years , we have occasionally ordered different toppings on our pizza . Sausage , meatball , and some I can 't even remember . But pepperoni was the king of toppings . This past January , Hubs and I were again contemplating a pizza for dinner . As we perused the menu from our favorite pizza joint , T n F Pizza , we decided that pepperoni was getting old . I was reading down the list of possibilities , when one caught my eye . " Oooo . . . " I said , " Bacon ! " . Hubs agreed that bacon sounded awesome , and he remarked , " Extra cheese and bacon ! " To which I whole heartedly agreed . We ordered one , and it has become our favorite pizza . Now , last week , we went shopping at Sam 's Club , and bought a three pack of 1 pound packages of bacon . Later that night , as we were putting things away , we went down to the freezer , and discovered that we had no less than eight pounds of bacon already in the freezer ! Then I found one in the upstairs freezer too . These , plus the three pounds we just bought , makes a total of twelve pounds of bacon in the house . We also bought a three pack of DiGiorno frozen cheese pizzas that trip . Today , I thought we should cook up some of that bacon for dinner . Then I thought some more , and decided to put it on a frozen cheese pizza for dinner , thus making our own bacon cheese pizza . Here is what it looked like when it came out of the oven . It 's too bad that looks can be so deceiving . The bacon , of course , was awesome , but the pizza wasn 't . I think we should get points just for trying , what do you think ? I slept like a rock last night , and I 'm stiff and sore today . Mom 's phone still isn 't turned on . She lost some cable channels last night , but I think that 's been fixed . She 's really unhappy with the movers . There was a lot of stuff that they didn 't move . I told her that they aren 't going around picking up random stuff , it was all supposed to be in boxes . They even told her , if it 's not boxed up , they aren 't taking it . Oh well , at least she didn 't have to have all her stuff out in the one day . She can take all the time she needs to get it all out . Today , I had an MRI of my brain . Of course , I 'm worried . I have at least two headaches every day , and I 'm used to it now , since every one of my medications lists headaches as a possible side effect . But when I saw the Neurologist last week , she wasn 't happy about the headaches . She thought the steroid I take should take care of that . I figured it 's too busy in my lungs . So there I am , laying on a table , and they slide this cage over my head after putting earphones on me . Because apparently it gets pretty loud inside the machine . I opted for the music in the headphones . Once this procedure started , I could hardly even hear the music ! The noise was extremely loud , even with the headphones on . After about 40 minutes , and pulling me out twice ; once to inject some dye into me , it was all over . I was very grateful that Hubs had come with me , and that I didn 't have to drive home . I decided it was time to blog this evening when I got my daily evening - time headache . It comes anywhere between 5 : 30 and 9 pm . I usually wait for it to strike before I take the Ibuprofen . And it does strike suddenly . I even laid down this afternoon , and took a three hour nap ! Today was the second day in a row , that I couldn 't have my coffee . At least today , I got to have some after I got back from the MRI . I had to fast for four hours before the test . I decided last night that if I got up before 7 am , I could have one cup of coffee . But when I woke up , it was 7 : 05 . SHIT . No coffee for me . You really doBicraftualMe Today was moving day for mom . I was there by 10 : 30 am , the movers were due at 1 pm . My favorite son - in - law was there already when I arrived . We did what we could to pack things up . It 's all over now , she 's about 95 % moved . There is no rush from the apartment complex office . She had to wait almost sin months for the place to be done , so they told her she could take as long as she needed to get all her stuff out . Sara left work early , to come and organize everything . She 's the organized one in our little family . Mom was stressing out big time , so Sara sent her to her friends apartment to get her out of the way . At one point , son - in - law came in and reported that mom was back hanging around the empty apartment . I was voted to go take her back to her friends . They thought I was the only one she would listen to . I drove her back to Carol 's , and told her in no uncertain terms to stay there until someone comes to get her . That gave us time to get make her bed up , get her living room all straight , and make sure she wouldn 't have to do anything before bed . She could just sit and relax and watch her shows . Then go to bed whenever she wants . She was thrilled at how her new place looks Don 't get me wrong , there are still tons of boxes to unpack . We will be visiting her more often , until it gets done . Now she 's in a basement apartment , on the same floor as the laundry room . She 's thrilled about that too . So I 'm exhausted , since I 've been up since 5 : 30 this morning . And I 've been going all day . So I 'll see you all tomorrow ! I 'm going to bed soon ! Posted by Well , dang it all , I missed another fracking day . I was busy again yesterday . Hubs decided to go down to the house in Fishkill , and I was going with him . He thought I should go to mom 's and help her pack more . He was right , as usual . So he dropped me off , and we got some more packing done . After he picked me up again , we went shopping at Sam 's Club . There were some things we were running low on . We ended up spending more than I thought , so I decided not to ask for more pistachio nuts . He noticed , and mentioned it . I told him I felt bad about the cost of our purchases , and he said it would have been OK . I really don 't need to have them , anyway . The granola diet seems to be working . I 've also been so busy , I haven 't had time to take any photos ! And it looks like I 'll be busy the rest of the week too . Tomorrow is mom 's moving day , so I 'm expected there most of the day . Thursday I have an MRI scheduled . And Friday , all I have is Stitch n Bitch , but anything could change at the last minute . As for my crafting , I got a lot of knitting done this morning , when I escorted my friend 's mom to the doctors office . Their car has broken down . After that , I picked Bonny up and we went down to the craft store , where I got some yarn to make my mom a half circle crocheted rug , for in front of her sink in the new apartment . I have started it already . I was going to use a P size hook , but it was too loose . So I went down to an N size . Still too loose for me . I ended up with a K size . And I am using two strands of cotton yarn . I like it better now , it 's tighter , still soft and a bit cushy . Hopefully one of these next few days I won 't be too busy , and I can finally take some photos ! Let 's all keep our fingers crossed ! Sweater - I took the sweater to Sara 's house this afternoon , so she could try it on . It fit ! So now I can keep knitting on it . I also thought to measure from the armpit stitches down to how long she wants it , so I have a reference point . It will be 17 inches from the pit stitches to the bottom . Taxes - They are all done and sent in . We e - filed those suckers . This year he pulled it off without a single thing being thrown , and minimum swearing . As I mentioned at the beginning , I went to Sara 's house today . She showed me the new island in the middle of her kitchen . It 's nice , and has two stools underneath to sit on . I sat and watched , while she made guacamole . My heart swelled up with joy , just watching her in her kitchen , all homemakery and shit . I loved it . So look for new photos tomorrow ! I learned a long time ago , that when I made firm plans for anything , that something , somehow , would frack the whole thing up . So I try to live spontaneously . I know that there are certain things that you have to plan . Like Doctor appointments and stuff like that . But I try not to plan too many things . I like to do what comes along . As a side effect of this , sometimes there are times that you have to do many things in a single day . Yesterday was one of those days for me . It started out innocently enough , with the Stitch n Bitch ladies meeting for breakfast and knitting / crocheting . Thursday , I was supposed to go to my mom 's and help her do some more packing for her move next week . I ended up not going , I really didn 't feel well . So I told her I 'd come on Friday , after Stitch n Bitch . Then I got a phone call , and had to squeeze a meeting in between these two things . After the meeting , I was to call mom , and I did some shopping for her . Mom took me over to see her new apartment . It is small , but beautifully finished , and she will be very happy there . In the end I finally got home , somehow , before Hubs got home from work . I was so tired , I went to bed without even writing a post for the day . As I am writing this , it doesn 't seem like much to squeeze into a single day . But somehow , it was huge at the time . Considering that going to get the mail , or taking out the garbage , is usually the highlight of my day , doing that many things in one day , not to mention all the driving , was a lot to do . I drove from Hyde Park to Wappingers then to Fishkill , and back home again . But today , I am back to being spontaneous . I am going to lounge and then go out and run a few errands . I want to enjoy the beautiful Spring day . Posted by For this crocheted sweater , I have to learn something new . It 's a foundation double crochet . In which you do double crochets while at the same time , you are making the foundation chain . I 've been watching how - to videos on you tube , and some are very confusing . But I think I might have the hang of it now . It 's supposed to be better than just chaining across for the sleeve hole , then working the doubles into that chain the next time around . We 'll see . I need to practice some more . This weekend , I may be absent . My beloved Hubs will be using my laptop to do our taxes . So , I will be avoiding him most of the weekend , as he tends to swear a lot and throw things while doing this particular activity . I really miss the days when we paid someone to do them for us . The first guy we had , the year came when we couldn 't find him . It turned out that he was in jail . Not related to tax preparation activities . . . Then we had a very nice young lady doing them for us . After a few years , she decided not to do them any more . So Hubs now has to do them himself . Besides the fact that it was costing a lot of money for someone else to do them for us . Personally I think it was worth it , since it kept Hubs ' blood pressure down . Reading what I 've written so far , I have a feeling that Hubs will think I 've said too much . But I don 't think so . There are no names , and nothing too specific . However , if anyone reading this knows him , don 't say anything about it . What he doesn 't know , can 't get me in trouble . Just remember my adage , " What 's written in the blog , stays in the blog . " I was supposed to go to mom 's today , to help her finish up her packing . Yes , her apartment is finally ready ! She will be moving next Wednesday . Anyway , I am not feeling well today , so I 'm going to stay home and take it easy . Posted by I haven 't worked on Sara 's sweater since we got back from Massachusetts . I think it 's time for her to try it on . While that project is on hold , I took a few days for myself . But Monday , I went to see my friend Bonny , who needed my help with a sweater she 's currently crocheting . I got there , and helped her , and saw the amazing sweater she 's working on . I liked it so much , I asked her to copy the pattern for me . I went back and got it yesterday , and started working on it last night . At first , of course , I had to stash dive to see if there was any yarn in there I could use for this new sweater . I found more than enough of Simply Soft , a skein of white and three skeins each of light gray and dark gray . Right now , I 'm very broke , and not having to buy yarn is a plus . I decided to use what I had . The pattern is basically a big giant round circle , with holes for the arms . You go back after the body , and make the arms . This version is called the Pinwheel Sweater , and it 's someones crocheted version of a circular knitted sweater . The crocheted version was a free pattern , Bonny found it on Crochet Pattern Central , I think . Now , the pattern that Bonny gave me has holes in it . I started making the sweater according to the pattern . After 4 or 5 rounds , I stopped and took a good look at it . I decided I didn 't like it with the holes . So I frogged it , and started over , with the standard circle pattern from Lion Brand Yarn 's website . It 'll be easy enough to do without the holes , as I 've made that pattern before . Note : on the Lion Brand site , the pattern is for an afghan . I 've made it as an adult size , and a baby size afghan . I am using the white in the center , then going to the light gray , then the dark . I decided not to make it all stripey , just solid " blocks " of color . So it will look more like a target . Bonny 's has the holes , and she 's making it all stripey . It 's really very pretty . I can 't wait to see it all done . I was going to take some photos for you today . I had my circle all laid out and smooth , then I couldn 't find the camera . It took me a few minutes to remember where I had put it . I found it , and turned it on . Or , rather , tried to turn it on . It seems the battery is dead . AND being broke , I don 't have the money to go out and buy another battery . They are kind of expensive . So you are out of luck for now . Hopefully soon , I can buy a battery and take some photos of the crocheted sweater . Posted by I have that . The first time I flew as an adult , we went to Florida . It was for a vacation at Disney World , and Jesse had a tournament there . We went with my mother - in - law , she had a friend who worked at Disney and got us a real deal on the rooms . I really loved the Coronado Springs Resort . The very first time I flew was as a teenager . I flew back from Florida after visiting my Aunt and Uncle . That was a pleasant experience , there were so few passengers , I sat sideways with my legs across all the seats all the way back to NY . That wasn 't horrible at all . Anyway , the flying . I hated it . It wasn 't the flying itself , but the conditions in which I was flying that I hated . Those conditions included , but were not limited to , being condensed together with my fellow passengers like sardines . Unpleasant fellow passengers . Not being able to sit next to my Hubs . That was a really big deal for me . I was terrified , having not flown for a really long time . Lucky for me that when he got sent to Austin , Texas for training for work , he didn 't use the company web site to book his flight . If he had , we would have had to fly separately . Different days , and everything . I told him if I couldn 't fly with him , I wouldn 't go . So he arranged it . He really is the best husband . The last time we flew , it was to Austin . It seems that every time I fly , the experience gets a little bit better . I still don 't want to , but I will if I have to . Thank the Goddess for pharmaceuticals . P . S . Yesterday 's post was my 600th ! I just noticed that . I 'm amazed . And thanks to all of you who read my adventures ! Posted by

I can 't believe this never got published ! My apologies . It 's actually good that I discovered it now because my current sex life is not that exciting . Well , there are some juicy bits about it , but I can 't share them yet . So here 's Jamaica instead ! Oh , and if you 'd like to read about the pilot I met in Jamaica , that one was written awhile and you can read it here . I recently went to Jamaica for a wedding . I was a sexual force of nature ! Seriously , I don 't know what it was this time , but I was on fire ! My confidence grows with every passing year , and the older I get , the more comfortable I get with my sexuality , my body , and giving zero fucks about what other people think . I do what I want . I own the things I do . I do not regret them because I do not use sex to feel loved . During my week in Jamaica , I had various forms of sex in a men 's bathroom stall , an employee hallway , a regular hallway , a suite , and the disco . All of it was hot and primal . Everytime I stepped outside our suite , my musk was calling to them . After a couple of days , my friend declared , " I might as well be invisible when I 'm walking around with you ! " At earlier points in my life , I probably would have been uncomfortable with all the attention , but it was certainly not uncomfortable for me to be eye - fucked every time I passed a man last week . Instead , it was a real ego boost . My friend also stated , " When a Jamaican man finds you attractive , you know it right away . " I thought about this for a second and replied , " True , but thinking back on how some of the conversations with these men have started , it might not always be them . We definitely instigate some of it . And by " we " , I mean me . " Examples : We 're out for our last supper in Jamaica . I order the fried snapper . It 's a whole fish fried , and it has a face . I ate up to the head . Our server comes to clear our plates . It 's the wedding reception and our bartender , Nathan , makes a non - alcoholic beverage for the kids and the pregnant woman . It 's pretty good and we all order one . He 's being pretty quiet and respectful . It is a wedding after all . The men in Jamaica are very territorial and get jealous easily . I 've watched them literally chase each other away from the woman they desire . One of my " boyfriends " worked in the Sportsbar . He was the one who wanted to eat the virgin right out of me . He also invited me to meet his mother and go to church with them and wondered what my parents would think if I brought a black man home to meet them . I said I imagined they 'd be ecstatic if I brought anyone home if he promised to get me pregnant . His name was Gregory and he had zero idea about personal space . I was very hot in the sportsbar when you weren 't in front of a fan , but luckily I had Gregory to come around the bar to where I was sitting on my stool and dab at my forehead with a napkin . One of the nights I was in the disco , I was talking to a guy I had never seen before . We chatted for quite awhile at the end of the night , but that was all that happened . The next day , Gregory was super cold to me so I asked him what was up . He was upset because the bartenders talk and he thought I had hooked up with this other guy . I told him it wasn 't any of his business what I did or with who , but that fyi , I did not hook up with this other guy . I kept the other two bartenders from previous nights to myself though . I 'm not an idiot . I still wanted a drink waiting for me whenever I walked into the bar . Sadly for Gregory , our love was not meant to be . Maybe in another time , in another life , in another reality where I didn 't nail all his coworkers . Shortly after my roommate had first moved in , he asked me if I had a pair of nail clippers he could borrow . I gave him a spare pair I had , not the pair I use all the time . He takes it into his room and returns a minute later apologizing because he broke my nail clippers . He was trying to cut his toenails and they broke my nail clippers . They broke them . Right in half . Speaking of toenails , the one day , I woke up and went to have a bath and sink down into the bathtub and something catches my eye . I turn and look and sitting on the shelf by the tub at eye level are the thickest , yellowest pieces of toenail that I 've ever seen in my life . I started gagging and had to cover them up . When my bath was finished , I used some tissue to gather them up and then sprinkled them in his bed . There was a night , early on when we lived together when I went out . It was a Friday night and a friend and I had gone for drinks and dancing and I arrived home in the wee hours of Saturday morning and went to bed . The house was quiet . I 'm snuggled in my bed , sleeping off the booze when I wake up to my blankets being ripped off my naked body and a female voice telling me she 's cold and to move over . I 'm groggy and hungover and start to move over , my immediate thought being that my friend spent the night on the couch and didn 't have enough blankets . Then remembered I came home alone and I don 't know who the fuck is talking to me . I roll over and open my eyes and it 's some girl I 've never seen before and she 's still telling me she 's cold and to let her in the bed . I say something along the lines of , " What ? Who are you ? Why are you in my room ? Get out ! " " But I 'm cold . " " I don 't fucking care , get out . " " Just let me get in and warm up for a little bit . " " No ! Are you fucking kidding me ? Get the fuck out of my room ! " " But . . " " GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING BEDROOM ! ! ! " She finally leaves and I go back to sleep . I wake up a little while later and can hear music and assume she 's watching TV way louder than she needs to be , so I get up , I go out into the house and she 's on the couch and has my roommate 's alarm clock and is passed out with the radio blasting . I turn it off and go back to my room and back to bed . By the time I wake up again , she 's finally gone . The next time I see my roommate , I tell him what happened and he apologizes profusely , he had no idea , and assures me it won 't happen again . It was always a little weird whenever he had people over . He rarely spent any time in the house that wasn 't in his bedroom . So they would hang out in his bedroom . And he would never answer the door . He would be expecting his friend or brother to come over and he 'd be sleeping . I 'd be watching TV and then have to answer the door . I wouldn 't have actually answered the door except that our front door was never locked because the door didn 't shut properly . We had a sun porch , so there was a second door that we kept locked ( after I had to make it clear to him that yes , we do in fact lock the door to the house when we leave ) , but anyone could come in the front door and then see through the windows in the door into the house . This meant that when I was sitting on the couch watching TV , it was impossible to ignore the face looking through the window . Believe me , I tried . And whenever I left for a few days , I would always come home to his brother hanging out in the livingroom . Alone . He would be in his room , usually sleeping , and his brother would just be hanging out watching tv , not cleaning up after himself . I didn 't mind him having his brother being over , but even when he knew I would be home , he wouldn 't make sure his brother took off . The one time I left for a few days and came back , I walked in and the house stunk like cooking oil . Like , really stunk . And his brother was on my couch eating homemade fries and bannock . I asked where Jesse was and he said sleeping . The cooking would have been ok , except that shortly after I came home , he left and didn 't clean up after himself . And neither did Jesse . There was oil EVERYWHERE . They had used both of my frying pans for this little adventure and completely ruined one of them . I 'm surprised there wasn 't a fire started . All the paper towel was gone ( of which I was the only one to ever buy ) . And there was food left out . I finally ended up cleaning the kitchen because he left and didn 't come home for a couple of days . The key . Obviously when he moved in , I have him a key to the house . After a couple weeks of realizing he never locked the door , I had to tell him to lock the door . I thought that was common sense , but it was not . I had a spare key in the bbq , just in case . I 've been known to lose a key or two in my day , so it 's always a good idea for me to have a spare around . My parents came to visit for Agribition in November and I met them at the event . We left to meet my brother for lunch , but we took my parents ' truck and I left my car there . When we got back , parking was a mess , so I dropped my parents off and said I would go home for an hour or two and then meet them later . It 's not until I get home that I realize my house keys were in my car . I go to grab the spare key and it 's gone . I text my roommate and yes , he has it . I 'm pissed . This isn 't the first time and I can 't believe I have to explain to this idiot again that the point of the spare key is to be there as a spare . The next day I have another key made and I leave it in the porch and tell him that I 'm tired of him losing his key and leaving it places and then taking the spare so I 'm leaving one in the porch so it 's as easy as possible for him to put it back . It wasn 't a great hiding place , but it was out of site . Our porch was just used for storage so I put it in a basket with some scarves right beside the door . After a week or so , I had to explain to this kid that even though it wasn 't a great hiding spot , it was better than him leaving it beside the basket instead of covering it with the fucking scarf in the goddamn basket ! So he started doing that . I started using that key too instead of carrying my house keys when I went out or when I walked Walter . And then I come home one day and the key is gone . Luckily , I had put a second spare key in a second hiding spot . I asked my roommate about it and he said he had taken it . So I said that was now his key there there was another spare one and do not take it again ! Everything is good for monthOnce in awhile he would come out of his room and go to the front door and then come back in with a bag of food . I don 't know if it was from his grandma or what it was , but he 'd put it in the fridge and it was always leftovers of some sort . Sometimes he would go to the door and then come back with nothing . I always wondered what he was doing , but didn 't think too much of it . And then one night he wasn 't around or maybe was sleeping . Actually , I think he was sleeping and I had to answer the door in my housecoat . There was a girl there who asked if he was home . I said I didn 't know . She handed me $ 20 and said he had asked her to drop that off for him . It reminded me of the time I found a $ 20 bill in our mailbox , so I brought it into the house and held onto it for a couple of days , thinking that if it was for Jesse , he would ask me if I 'd found money in the mailbox . He didn 't , so I kept it . So , either mystery money , or I stole $ 20 that was meant for him . Oh well . During the last 6 months or so of us living together , he had trouble paying his rent on time . As in , he didn 't pay it on time . He had been going to school for a few months and was at the point between school and work and wasn 't getting paid . Except he didn 't tell me this until I asked the day after rent was due where his rent money was . Normally he would e - transfer it on the 1st or sooner . He was pretty consistent with that most of the time we lived together so I thought maybe he just hadn 't realized it was the 1st of the month . Nope . Turns out he knew the date , he just didn 't have any money and didn 't tell me , and he wouldn 't have rent for a week or two . So I asked , well is it a week or is it two ? Because one week , not a major problem . Two weeks , we 're starting to have a problem . Guess which it was ? I told him in the future , if he 's going to be late , he needs to give me a head 's up before the 1st so that I can budget for it . But to not be late because when he is , I have to cover that . Rent has to be paid . He said ok . The next month comes . I get paid on the last day of the month and have some bills I pay on that day . So I did that , normal routine . 10 : 30pm he texts me and says he won 't have rent until Friday . It 's Monday night . And I just paid a bunch of bills . He took what I told him the month before as literally as possible . This continued on for the next 4 months , except he didn 't let me know in advance , ever . And then he got laid off . I had decided to move and was looking at places , but hadn 't given my notice to the landlord yet . I didn 't want to have anyone coming to look at the house and tip him off . Given his past history , he might think it was ok to just ditch out on me . So I gave him the minimum required notice of one month . And that was the time that he was a week early with his rent and did a bunch of house cleaning . I woke up one morning and he had obviously spent part of the night cleaning . When I went to bed , his pile of dishes was still there . When I woke up , the dishesStay tuned for the moving out story ! Ugh . Roommates . So I 've had the same roommate for over a year now , which must be some kind of record . Having roommates is hard . Being a roommate is hard . Everyone has their own way of living and their own expectations of how to live in a house with other people . But I think there are some common sense aspects that everyone understands . Usually . My roommate would be one of the exceptions . Before living with me , he had never lived on his own before . He is 21 and lived with his grandmother up until a year ago . So being on his own is totally new to him . I had been advertising on kijiji and usedregina looking for a roommate and he answered my ad . We set up a time for him to come and look at the place . He was running a bit late so I had texted him to see when he would be there since I had plans that afternoon . He told me he was just finishing packing up a few things and would be over within a half hour . The doorbell rings and I open the door to be greeted be a giant of a man . Picture this : He 's first nations , has long black hair , a moustache , stands 6 ' 8 " tall , and is only wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt with a denim vest covered in band patches over top in the middle of winter . He looks intimidating , to say the least . And he says nothing . Literally the only thing he said to me was " hi " . I showed him the room and the house and he grunted a bit and then walked back to the front door and started putting on his boots . I looked at my friend who was over and was all , wtf ? I follow him to the door and thank him for coming and he finally starts talking . He asks me how much the rent and damage deposit is and then pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to me . I 'm like , oh … so you want the room ? He says yeah , I just have to bring my stuff in . When he told me he was packing , he was literally packing to move in as soon as he showed up to my house . I couldn 't even get a read on this guy yet , and he wanted to move in . It wasn 't even the end of the month and the room I had just showed him still had stuff in it . So I told him that I needed to clean out the room and that I had plans so he would have to come back in a few hours . I was feeling a bit of weird about this kid . My friend and I went shopping and I checked the texts he had sent me the night before . I had been out at the bar so I didn 't really remember what they said . But when I reread them , he sounded like a really nice young man . So I felt way less trepidation about this guy who showed up ready to move in . He moved his stuff in later that night . He didn 't have much . Basically his clothes , a tv and gaming system , and a couple boxes of random stuff . I gave him my old bed , a shelft , and some Rubbermaid drawers that I wasn 't using . I even provided him with blankets and some old pillows . He was seriously unprepared to live on his own . He 's a very nice young man . He asked me if there were any house rules , like having people over , curfew , things like that . I kind of looked at him like he was nuts . Curfew ? He was being considerate because my bedroom window is right by the front door and he was worried that if he came home too late , it would bother me . I told him not to worry about things like that , just be respectful and clean up after himself . Things were pretty good for quite awhile . He didn 't talk much and we didn 't spend any time together . If I was going to go out running errands , or getting groceries , I would ask if he wanted to come since he doesn 't have a car , or even a license . He was never afraid to ask for favours . If he and his friends needed a ride , or if he needed a ride somewhere , he would ask . I helped him out a couple of times , but I drew the line at driving he and his friends around . I have a 2 door and he 's 6 ' 8 " . And I 'm 6 ' . And his brother is 6 ' 5 " . As if there 's enough room for all of us in my car , plus one more person ! He has started to slide over the time he 's been living with me though . Before I go into details , let me tell you , I am messy . I like a clean house , but I like being lazy more , and cleaning is not high on my list of priorities . I also have a lot of stuff and not a lot of space . So it gets cluttered very easily . Because of this , I 'm relatively laidback about other people 's messes . Until I 'm not . My roommate does not use a lot of dishes . If it can 't be made in the microwave , he doesn 't make it . It 's even better if it comes in it 's own container so that he doesn 't have to use anything other than a fork . Every now and again there will be containers of leftovers in our fridge , so I assume his grandma sends stuff home with him . He often takes that for work . But then never washes the containers . Currently , there is a pile of his dirty containers that have been sitting on the counter for about 3 weeks . I refuse to wash them and he hasn 't washed a dish since I don 't know when . He used to wash dishes . He would even wash mine . I can 't remember the last time that happened though . Because he usually only uses a couple of forks and a glass or two , I don 't mind doing them . But I 'm not washing his gross mouldy containers . I 'm going to throw them out right away . Oh , I also like to play these games that only I know I 'm playing . Like a Mexican standoff , except with dishes and garbage . So I 'm out and I 'm drinking and dancing and I run into someone I know . She 's there with a few of her friends and she introduces me to them . They seem like nice people . We spend the rest of the night chatting and joking around , and a few of us end up going for some late night food before we all head home . One of her guy friends and I hit it off really fast and have a good banter going . He 's engaged , so I automatically put him in a " safe " zone . Meaning I think I can make all the inappropriate jokes that I normally make and they won 't be misconstrued as hardcore flirting . ( Foreshadowing ) We all go to leave and the other two grab a cab and as I 'm about to get my own , he offers me a ride . Duh , of course I 'll take a ride . I like free things . On the way to my house , I 'm asking him more questions about his life and about his fiancé and the upcoming wedding . He seems a little … reluctant ? Disinterested ? So I ask him if he wants to get married . He says no . We 're at my house by this time . Obviously I have to delve into this issue and question him further . I don 't remember everything he said , but I do know I told him that he should rethink it all and decide if this is the life he really wants because if it isn 't , he 'd better change trajectory now before it 's too late . It would be better to call off the wedding and cause some hurt now than to go through with it just because it 's the next socially acceptable step in life . Otherwise , he 's going to wake up in 5 , 10 , 20 years and realize all the time he wasted not being happy . Not to mention all the time his wife will have wasted by creating a life with someone who felt obligated to live this life with her . I 'm not sure what it was about my drunk , unsolicited advice that turned him on , but the next thing I know , he grabs me and we 're making out in his truck . And then suddenly we 're naked in my bedroom ! I guess nothing is free after all . This guy was ALL about the tongue . I 'm pretty sure he was trying to lick and suck his way into my soul . And when he couldn 't find it in my clit , he searched my asshole instead . And let me say , Oh . My . God . I don 't know if he can cook , but man can he toss a salad ! It 's a good thing for my roommate that he 's a deep sleeper . And it 's a good thing for me that this guy was a deep licker . For him , maybe not so much . You see , while he was licking me to kingdom cum , all the pleasure … relaxed me . And I farted . In his face . Probably in his mouth . Just a little one . It took me by surprise , and I laaauuuugghhhed . I laughed so hard . Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha And what did he do ? He giggled and went back to work like a goddamn champion ! Later , he wanted me to ride his face and I wanted to have sex , so we compromised and had sex . When we finished , I walked him to the door and said goodbye . The next day I realized I walked him to the door naked and that the porch light was on and the blinds were open and it was dark outside . I hope the neighbours were all asleep . Chances are it wouldn 't even be the first time they saw me naked anyways . You know what I love ? Guinness ! It 's soo good . It makes me happy . Especially when there 's a shot of spiced rum added into it . But , it is a bit of a heavy beer . And if you 've ever spent an evening drinking a few pints of this black gold , you know that it can make you pretty bloated . I mean , it 's totally worth it , but it 's still a terrible feeling . One night , I was at one of the local pubs drinking this delicious drink when a handsome Irishman said hello to me . He was standing with someone else I knew , and introductions were made . He bought me another Guinness or two and I was well on my way to thinking this guy was pretty alright . I had gone to the pub with a friend and the Irishman asked us if we would like to go back to his place ( He had a couple roommates he was planning on introducing to my friend ) . She was not particularly interested . Especially when she found out this guy lived on the outskirts of the city . She was pretty sure he wanted to murder us , whereas I was pretty sure he just wanted to murder my pussy . I said I would go with him , but we had to drop my friend off first . And get her some Burger King . And we needed beer . So he picked up some more Guinness and we hopped in a cab . Well , ok , so it wasn 't quite that simple . First of all , while he was getting beer , my tummy started rumbling a little bit and I considered going back in to use the ladies room , but the feeling passed . All was good . Or was it ? ( Foreshadowing ) Anyways , the cab . He walked down the street a little bit to catch the first one that came along . It wasn 't long before one turned the corner and he flagged it down . However , there was another group of people also waiting for a cab who thought it was their cab , or should be . Actually , it was just the one woman who was determined that it was her cab . My friend and I backed off immediately with the woman 's two friends and the 4 of us stood and watched the rather tense argument that followed between the Irishman and this woman . It ended with , " Fine ! Take the fucking cab ! " , and my friend and I got in . Where to next ? Burger King of course ! I got mozza sticks , and the Irishman ordered us both a bottle of water . Good thinking , sir ! He also serenaded us the whole way back to my friend 's apartment . Now , onto his house ! It was located just barely outside the city , but just far enough that there were no lights anywhere , and there was just a tiny little break in the highway where we could cross over the other side and get to where his house was . When I got out of the cab , I looked at the cab driver , pointed to myself , and said , " Remember this face ! If you see me on the news as missing , remember where you left me . " We go into the house and crack a beer and visit for a bit . He tells me he hasn 't lived there that long , he and his roommates had just moved in . They barely had any furniture . My tummy started to rumble again and I excuse myself to use the bathroom . Remember that bloating feeling you get from Guinness ? That was in full force , and farting just wasn 't going to cut it . I 'll spare you theDear Amy , So not to toot my own horn but I 've been told that I 'm attractive , gorgeous etc . I 'm also outgoing , independent and a genuine person that just wants to be happy with a man that treats her well . I don 't even like overly attractive guys , they are too high maintenance ! Having that said , I also always have to be the one that makes a move on a guy , or else it just never happens . I have a friend from high school , we got drunk one night and I told him I used to have a huge crush on him . His response totally blew my mind . He said he also liked me and that he just thought I was " out of his league " . FYI , I lost all interest when he dated my friend back in the day , I don 't like him that way anymore . His response made me think of all the guys I liked , and how I always had to be the one doing the " chasing " , at least until they got the point . . Like " Hey , I like you , I would love to date you and do things to you " you know ? ! I get approached by guys , don 't get me wrong , but it 's always the douchebag that really is aiming high if you know what I mean . It 's never the nice guy , or the smart guy , or at least the rich guy . It 's the asshole that tries to get with me . The one that just wants to hook up . Did I mention I 'm not the hook up type ? This problem might seem like not a bad problem to have to some people but think about it , if you 're always the one doing the work … If you are deemed unapproachable based on your looks … then where is the fun in that ? It doesn 't help that I 'm a romantic at heart but I 've seen it with other girls , they get swept off their feet and here I am , pining over the guys I like . When I was going to university and at home for a visit , I ran into one of the guys I graduated with . He told me about this girl in one of his classes , and he called her his " attainable girl " . I don 't know if he had even talked to her at this point , but his labeling of her was based solely on her looks . Pretty , but not too pretty . She was within the imaginary parameters of what he thought a guy like him could have . And he was average . So that 's where he set his sights . It sounds like the kind of men you like are generally intimidated by you . And that 's it 's not just your looks that do it . In the instance with your friend from high school . You call him a friend , so obviously he knows you as a person and not just some hottie he saw in the hallways every day . So he knows that you 're an independent , outgoing , and genuine person . And that combination with your looks is probably what he thought put you out of his league . Don 't change . I know it 's frustrating to not get the things you want right now , or to have to always be the one to put in so much work for so little reward . But someone who considers you out of their league and makes a move anyways is exactly the kind of person you want to be with . That person has ambition and confidence . However , depending on where you look , you 're not going to find a bunch of men like this . They aren 't exactly a dime a dozen at the clubs on the weekend , you know ? As far as the men who do approach you goes : Confident men will approach any woman they are attracted to , regardless of how hot the rest of us think she is or isn 't . Not because they think every woman is a sure thing for them , but because they know it 's a definite no if they don 't at least take the shot . Confident men get nervous and intimidated too , but they say hi to you anyways and hope you smile and say hi back . Arrogant men will disregard any woman who doesn 't meet their physical standards and expect those they " choose " will fall at their feet . And most of their attraction to you will be based on other people 's perception of how " hot " their arm candy is . Unfortunately , I don 't have an easy answer for you . If the type of man you 're looking for is the one who needs a little encouragement , you 're going to have to give it to him . The average nice guy probably isn 't going to come up and say hi if you haven 't at least already made eye contact and given him a smile . Or said hi first . When I take my dog to the dog park , he ignores a lot of the other dogs . But when he meets one he likes , he 's like , " hey , did you see me ? No ? " , then jumps up and humps it until it turns around and chases him in circles and he runs around , tongue hanging out , so happy . Ok , so not the perfect analogy , but you get what I mean ! You may have to be the one to break the ice most of the time , but that doesn 't mean you have to settle for a guy who expects you to take the lead all the time . You can either keep on keeping on the way you have been , or you can make some adjustments to your dating life to try and encourage someone to pursue you . Try online dating with private pictures . You 'll have to sift through some profiles and put some time into conversations , but you could meet someone great . Plus , with online dating , it 's a lot less intimidating for men to pursue a beautiful woman . Ask friends to set you up . Smile at the cute guy at the coffee shop . Go for lunch at the cafeteria at the same time as that cute , nerdy guy in your office . Sit next to the sexy , smart guy in your Wednesday class and ask him how his assignment is coming along . Put the vibes out and see what comes back . Romance doesn 't always come to us the way we expect . You may not meet a guy who is going to sweep you off your feet with a great line or a huge romantic gesture in order to get your attention . But maybe you 'll meet a guy who feels lucky that a woman like yourself was interested in a guy like him and he 'll take time every day that you 're together showing you how much he values you and appreciates that moment you first said hi . ( Also , you said this in your letter : " I don 't even like overly attractive guys , they are too high maintenance ! " What makes you think that men think any differently when they look at you ? Hi pot , this is kettle . Stereotypically speaking , they 're probably thinking that not only are you out of their league , but that even if you were interested in them , you 're probably high maintenance . ) How often do you get asked about your " number " ? You know , the number of penises or vaginas that have met with your corresponding parts . I have found myself being asked this question a few times over the years , and as recently as the last couple of weeks . I tried to figure it out a year or so ago . I made a list which had entries like : Mike , Jon , Keith , guy I met at the pump that night , guy who was on acid while I was on E at Sasquatch , etc . After I wrote down what I thought was all of them , I counted them up and was at a number that I thought was rather reasonable given my age and dating lifestyle . I was a virgin until I was 22 . No , 23 . Wait . 22 . Anyways . I waited . Not for anything specific . I wasn 't waiting for " the one " . I was just waiting . I like to do things in my own time and that was the time for me . His name was Mike and he slept on a futon . It wasn 't good , and it wasn 't a big deal . It just … was . I didn 't even tell any of my friends about it at the time because that was how boring and matter - of - fact it was . Well , that 's done . * brushes off hands * So , back to the numbers . I was at a number that some of you would probably consider high , but I 've been having sex for 12 years with no long - term relationship in there . And I like to drink , and I like to have sex . It 's a winning combination . So I thought it was rather reasonable . But then I started remembering more . I 'd be driving in my car and another one would pop into my head . And then another . And another . Months down the road , I was still remembering men I 'd forgotten . ( Sorry fellas ! Be more memorable next time ! ) So I decided to stop keeping track . I started talking to this guy on Tinder . It started out well enough . We exchanged phone numbers and started texting . He 's younger than me , 27 , and he lives a couple of hours away . He wanted to play 20 questions and asked if there was anything off limits . I told him he could ask me anything he wanted and if I felt like it was too far , I just wouldn 't answer it . The first half of the questions were basics … favourite food , where we want to travel , etc . And then of course there was the measurements question . What is it with you men and your need to know exactly how big a woman 's breasts are ? Aren 't you supposed to be visual creatures ? I have pictures on my profile . But that 's not good enough . And the reason is always the same … " I 'm a numbers guy . " Whatever . If I 'm in a good mood , I 'll tell you . Especially since I know you don 't really understand how bra sizing works and the relation between cup and band size , and anything over a 36C is going to blow your mind . So then the questions lead into more sex talk , favourite position , weirdest place you 've done it , and then anal . That 's where I stopped him . Not because I 'm uncomfortable talking about it , but because sex is one of those topics that I don 't think should go too far when you 've only just started to get to know each other . A good number of men will push these limits . He was fine with stopping though , and went back to regular questions . Some days later , I found out he was married for a couple of years , they split a couple of years ago , and he hasn 't had sex since they split . First I asked him why they divorced and he said it was because she thought it was ok to sleep with other men . I told him I was sorry that happened to him and asked if she gave him a reason for why she cheated . His response was , " I dunno . Cause she 's a whore ? " I guess he 's still a little bitter about it . And then I asked him why he hasn 't had sex in so long . He hasn 't met anyone special and he 's never had a one - night stand . He asked if I 've ever had one . Uhh … . yes . Have I had a lot of them ? … . . uhh … . I told him I 've had a couple . Ok , you can all stop laughing now . Next , he asked how many people I 've slept with . I laughed and said that was none of his business , and asked if a big number would bother him . He said it depends how big the number is . I asked why it would bother him . He said he didn 't know , and that maybe it wouldn 't . I said it wouldn 't matter to me , 1 or 100 , I don 't care . To which he replied that he 's only had sex with 3 women , so … When he didn 't text me the next day , I thought I had scared him off , but he messaged the day after that and regularly for the next few days after . Unfortunately , he 's terribly boring over text and can 't seem to carry on a conversation beyond the few topics we 'd already discussed . Meh . I already had the feeling that this guy has some stuff to work through . And like so many other men on Tinder and Pof , he wanted to talk about sex and push the boundaries of what is acceptable conversation , but if I have a colourful , bountiful past , that could be a problem ? Come on ! I haven 't been guarding my sexuality all this time just waiting for you to come along like some kind of goddamn Christopher Columbus ! I feel like numbers aren 't something that we ( especially women ) should have to hide , and yet , we all know that if you 've surpassed single digits in the number of partners you 've had , you 're going to either lie about the number , or just not admit to a number at all . It 's nothing to be ashamed of , whether it 's 1 or 5 or 35 , or 100 , or if you 're not even on the board yet . Shout it loud and proud , if you want ! But be prepared for the judgement . I would never want anyone who would judge me on it anyways , but I also don 't want to deal with having it thrown in my face like it 's a bad thing . And so my number will remain a mystery . I 'm going to keep living like an Agatha Christie novel and loving who I want to love with my honey pot , and you should too . I started doing the online dating thing a few months ago and recently " met " a really great guy . After a few conversations , we exchanged phone numbers . We 've been texting and it 's been going really good . We have great conversations , but just over text . We haven 't talked on the phone . He has told me several times that he is interested in finding a relationship . We talk about how our days were , and we tell each other our hopes and plans for the future . We 've even done a bit of sexting and exchanged some sexy ( but not naked ) pictures . Except , we haven 't met yet . Every time we make plans , he backs out at the last minute . It 's been about a month since we started texting and I 'm starting to wonder if he 's actually serious about wanting a relationship . And honestly , I now kinda feel a little embarrassed about the pictures I sent him . I really like him , but how can I tell if he 's serious ? Isn 't waiting for a date the worst ? ! I have been in this same situation and I know exactly how frustrating it can be . It 's surprising and weird when you feel a connection with someone you 've never met , but not unusual . I think you already know the answer to your question . If he keeps backing out , and has let a month go by without meeting you , his interest is low . He may even believe that he wants a relationship , but something is holding him back , and it 's not up to you to try and fix him , or convince him . Whether it 's intentional or not , he 's leading you on . He can make all the excuses he wants , and you 've probably accepted his excuses and made some of your own based on things he 's told you about himself . But these are just that : excuses . Even if you did meet now , what about his behaviour makes you think that you would be a priority in this man 's life ? If you 're still texting this man , you need to stop . Right now . You need to be free to focus on finding a man who wants a relationship and will put in the effort to have one with you . Now , you will likely have that little glimmer of hope in the back of your mind at this point that saying this to him will kick his ass into gear . It won 't . And his response to you will be extremely unsatisfying . He will likely give you a one word answer , or he won 't say anything at all . Both will drive you crazy and you 'll want to send him more messages . Do not do this . This is the perfect time to decide what you want and don 't want , and what you are willing to put up with in your dating life . Have a cry , let it go , and delete his number . Online dating can be a little bit like dating on a reality TV show like The Bachelor . It 's dating in a fantasy world called Your Head . If you 've met online dates in the past , you already know that your attraction to someone can change in an instant when you spend some one on one time with them . Take this experience and make it a personal rule to not go longer than 1 - 2 weeks without meeting someone you 've met online . This should also apply to anyone you meet at the grocery store or the bar or wherever . If a date hasn 't happened within that time , move on . 2 weeks MAXIMUM . Anything beyond that and you 're allowing yourself to get invested in an illusion . As for sending sexy pictures , just be mindful of what you send , and never feel that you HAVE to send pictures to keep a man 's interest . Pictures should be on your terms only . And only send pictures that you feel comfortable posing for , make you feel sexy , and wouldn 't die if someone else saw them . It sounds like the pictures you sent were tasteful , so don 't be embarrassed . You can ask him to delete them , and hope that he does . And if he doesn 't , well , then he 's the one holding onto the fantasy . I have an opinion on almost everything . And if you have a problem you 're not sure how to handle , I 'd love to offer my opinion to you . Problem with your significant other ? Not sure how to proceed with the guy from Pof who won 't ask you out ? Having trouble having an orgasm ? Is your friend marrying the wrong person and you don 't know how to talk to him / her about it ? Do you have a strange rash in a delicate spot ? It can be anything , not necessary sex or dating related . Send me your situations and questions @ campbellamy @ live . ca and I will feature them on my blog . You can remain anonymous . For the past few months , I have been getting requests for the pleasure of my company from several men from my past . If I were a hooker , I 'd have a decent sized group of regulars . These are a few of the more interesting ones . The 20 year old kid messaged me this summer , asking me for a favour . You 're probably thinking you know exactly what kind of " favour " he 'd be looking for , but you 're wrong . Sort of . He asked me if I knew of anyone I could set him up with . " Do u know any older women who would be interested in me ? I have been trying so hard , but can 't find an older woman who likes . They think cuz of my age I 'm automatically immature . " " Interesting in you in what way ? Are you wanting to date someone or just fool around ? And how old are you looking for ? My age or 40 's or … ? " And there it is ! He needed to check and see if there 's still a chance . I told him that I 'm not interested in fooling around anymore , even though he 's cute and a good lay . What I didn 't tell him was that even if I had any friends who were interested in meeting a guy that young , I 'm not sure any of them would be into the same things he is , sexually speaking . I mean , this is the same kid who wanted me to pee on him every single time we talked . He also wanted to throat fuck me until I puked and put a dildo up his ass . By all means , if you are a female over the age of 28 and into some kinky shit ( which may include actual shit ) , let me know and I 'll hook you up . Then there 's the Farmer . Every few months I get a message from him . Sometimes it 's to ask how I 'm doing and what 's new . And sometimes it 's to ask me if I want to have a threesome . If I 'm not into having another girl there , he has a buddy . The one who saw me naked when I spent the night in their hotel room . Or we have a conversation like this : Speaking of married men . Remember this guy ? I haven 't seen or spoken to him for over 3 years , until he sent me a message on Pof about a month ago . He didn 't have a picture up , but after reading his profile , I was pretty sure I knew who it was . Our exchange went something like : A week later , he messaged me again , and once again asked if I 'd like to have some " fun " with him . I don 't know about you , but nowhere in my idea of fun is there included a dirty eyebrow wiggle that happens while a man is thrusting his dick inside me . Just imagine it for a moment . A guy looking down at you , obviously pretty please with himself , and wiggles his eyebrow at you . Like he 's giving you just what you want . It 's the sexual equivalent to the wink and a gun . Not sexy . And now there 's Houdini . I was sure I wrote about him previously , but I couldn 't find the post , so maybe I just thought about writing about him . We met on Pof and went on a date a couple of years ago . It was a great date ! Seriously , I think we spent 6 - 7 hours together . We met at a pub in Cathedral for a couple of drinks and a bit to eat . Coincidentally , he took a " cab " to the pub because he didn 't want to drive after having some drinks and who was his cab driver ? This guy ! When he came into meet me , he was telling me about this guy who drove him and he just calls him whenever he needs a ride and this guy shows up and takes however much he wants to pay . I had used this guy years before that and turned out to be the same guy . And then of course there was that time more recently that I re - met this guy and , well , we know how that turned out . Anyways , back to our date . We got along very well , we found a lot to talk about . He 's handsome in a Sons of Anarchy kind of way , works in construction . I believe he had his own company at the time , had lived a crazy life . The kind of life where you 're not sure how someone turned out as well as they did . He left home / was kicked out when he was 14 or so . I don 't think he ever finished school , he just started working and travelling across Canada , picking up jobs as he went . So after the first pub , we went to another . It was pretty dead so we just had a drink or two and talked some more and then decided since neither of us wanted the night to end yet , we would go back to his place to watch a movie . I had just moved and didn 't even have furniture at my new place yet , so it had to be his house . I can 't even remember what movie we settled on , but I know it was bad . It had a lot of gratuitous female nudity and some animals that killed everyone after genetic mutation or something . A story as old as time . We did make out a bit , but I wouldn 't go any further with him . I called a cab to go home and he said he was hungry again and wanted to grab some food , so did I mind I literally never heard from him again . After I didn 't hear from him the next day , I texted him . No response . Maybe he didn 't get it . So I messaged him on Pof . No response , and a couple of days after that , his profile was gone . Uh , ok ? That was weird . Then a few weeks ago , I get a message from him on Pof . He 's back in Regina . He said hi and said he didn 't know if I remembered him , but we went out awhile ago and he 'd love to go out with me again . I said that I did remember him , and that I remembered him disappearing and never hearing from him again . He apologized for that , said something about getting a last minute job up north that he left for right away , blah blah blah . I guess he must have forgot his phone when he left ? But hey , I 'm all about second chances , so I kept chatting with him . He apologized again and asked if I would like to go out with him . I said I was open to that and then gave him my number to contact me sometime . Three weeks went by . Three fucking weeks ! And nothing . I mean , I shouldn 't be that surprised . It took this guy 2 years after our first date to ask for a second , so I guess waiting a few weeks for a text should be no big deal , right ? I didn 't contact him again , but then just last night , he messaged me again . I did end up texting him and we chatted for awhile . He wants to go out sometime this week . I 'm considering it . Cause I 'm all about third chances . Maybe I 'll make a date and then just … disappear . UPDATE : We had plans to go out . I didn 't hear from him the day before our date was scheduled . I didn 't hear from him on the day our date was scheduled . I texted him the day before , but there was no response . The day AFTER our date was supposed to be , I received a text from him . He apologized for not being available and said he worked 18 hours that day . But that he 'd still like to get together sometime soon . I said maybe if I had time on the weekend . I haven 't heard from him since , and I don 't care . Posts navigation

9 / 1 / 12 written Sunday 5 / 6 / 12 Maggie got Baptised . . . Maggie got Baptised today ! ! ! We went to the once a month Sunday evening church service at our church tonight . . . Maggie , Beth , Beth 's friend and I went ( William didn 't want to go ) . We sing and worship , have baptisms , eat and the kids play . When they were talking about all of the people that were going to get baptised they said that if anyone else wanted to get baptised they could . Maggie decided to make this visible commitment to God . It is a full dunking at our church . The church had an extra shirt and shorts for Maggie . She was excited . I am happy for her . The kids had been baptised as infants , but it is good to see that she has made this choice on her own . Posted by 8 / 31 / 12 written Saturday 5 / 5 / 12 Prom . . . Beth went to Prom tonight . She is all dressed up with high heals . She is so happy that she is going . We took pictures in the front yard . She wanted to go in an hour early so that she could fix her hair with her friends . The dance is from eight to eleven . She looks so much older and mature . Beth is the first one of my kids to go to Prom . William didn 't want to go to his Prom . Maggie can 't go to Prom at her school until she is either a Junior or is asked by a Junior or a Senior . 8 / 30 / 12 written Wednesday 5 / 2 / 12 Lego League and the basement . . . Maggie is at Bible study tonight . Beth is a Lego League which is a group that teached kids how to program robots . They sponsor a big compotition at her school once a year . Grade school and Junior High kids come in teams and compete with their robots . We have started cleaning out the basement . It is going well . A lot of it is clothes that should have gone to the Goodwill and boxes that need repacked . I will be glad when this project is done . Posted by Last Wednesday , when Maggie was at her share group / Bible study at church . I saw a volunteer pulling weeds at the church . That is something that I could do . We are at the church on Wednesday and Sunday evenings and I could pull a few weeds while the kids are inside . We still need to find a spot where we can volunteer as a family . After the Sunday night concert at church , the kids usually go to the McDonald 's . Today the girls are going for the first time . They were each given some money and asked to come out in a half hour . I waited in the parking lot . It is difficult to let them go but they are older now and need some time with their friends . Maggie 's air gun does shoot out a candle at 20 feet . What a relief . She needs to write the paper that goes with it . It is all due tomorrow . We are almost done selling candy bars for the girl 's mission trip . Selling was fun for a while , but now I would just like to be done with it . Selling candy bars in the winter isn 't stressful , but as soon at the weather gets hot , I spend a lot of time wondering if everything is going to melt . Maggie has almost finished her air gun . The first one that she built didn 't work . She got onto the Internet and got some directions . We got another bucket and some painters plastic . This one is better , but still doesn 't work at twenty feet . Half of the problem is the design , and the other half is the aiming . She still has more time . Maggie is taking the project to school tomorrow to get help . Posted by We planted flower seeds in the two pots in the frount yard . If we get more snow or frost , we can get more seeds and plant them . The seeds that were planted last year were perrenials , so they may sprout this year too . We got two packs of flowers , two different kinds , so there may be a lot of colors in the planters . Posted by William worked on the dishes today , Beth did the laundry and Maggie needs to make an air gun for science class . It uses a bucket and some plastic and a bungee cord . A hole is cut into the bottom of the bucket and onto the top is taped some plastic . When the bungee cord is pulled back and let go the air rushes out of the cut hole in the bottom . To get an " A " , her air gun must be able to blow out a candle at 20 feet . She needs to write a paper on the project too and do a drawing . It is due in a week or two . Posted by We played board games a few nights ago . We haven 't played board games in a long time . We played " Blockus 3D " and " Go " . It was a lot of fun . We played for a few hours . Maggie has been riding the unicycle . She has been holding onto the fence as she rides along it . The last time that she was riding she started by the garage and tried to ride down the driveway . On the first try she was able to the length of a half of a peddle before she fell off . By the time that she came in she was able to pedal twice before falling . Maggie was so pleased . She looks sturdier when she is away from the fence , because she is relaying on her own balance and not on the fence to balance her . Last Friday night Maggie was able to get onto the unicycle . It was Friday so she didn 't have any homework , it wasn 't raining and we were at home . Her balance is getting better but she is still holding onto the fence . Yesterday was Easter . The kids and I went to the Easter service on Saturday night . I love Easter . It is such a good time to say all is forgiven and we can start over . I was baptized today . I do feel new , like a burden was lifted . The kids and I picked up Beth 's friend and went to the church . There was a short meeting to make sure that everyone was sure that they were ready to be baptized . We got our pictures taken and gave them a copy of our spiritual story . . . what we had done before , what we had worshiped , like work or money , when did the change happen and why did we want to be baptised . They baptize people in large pools with full dunking . We went to the chapel where they showed us how to line up and how the service would go . then we went into the sanctuary and all sat in two areas together . There are two tubs so one group sat on the left and one on the right side of the church . The water was very warm , 104 deg . The washing away of the old . . . life , person etc , . and coming out of the water as someone who belongs to God in a deeper and closer way was so fulfilling . It all happened so fast . About seventy people were baptized that day . There was a church service and communion at the same service . There was singing as the baptisms were being done . After that there was community time out in the church . They had " walking tacos " , root beer floats , inflatables for the kids and music . Maggie , Beth and I went to the Zoo teen interview this morning . It was scheduled at 8 : 30 am . They got name tags and had their pictures taken . After some short introductions the kids went downstairs to play some games . . to make them more comfortable to talk during the interviews . . . and then to be interviewed . The parents went upstairs and were told a little about what the teens do . They do a lot more than just inform kids at the zoo . It runs May through October . They go out of the zoo and do some community service , like packing bags for the homeless . They also have picnics for the teens and do a one day field trip to a nearby big city . It is possible to be a zoo teen year round , if the kids are that interested . The group takes about one hundred new kids a year . One hundred and eighty kids have applied . When they were done telling the adults about the program , the adults had about forty - five minutes of free time . I went downstairs . . . there was a fallout shelter . I don 't see many of those any more . I looked at some of the animals and read a little until the kids were done . When they came out they said that it had gone OK . We should hear back if they were selected in about two weeks We looked around the zoo for a few hours . The battery ran out on my camera after taking only a few pictures outside . Beth 's camera on her phone worked so she took a lot of pictures . We got our sewing machine back on Friday . It is nice to have it fixed . It is an old treadle , Franklin machine that we got at a flee market . It came with the bobbin and the instruction book . We have had it for a year or two and have been trying to get it to work off and on . We have two old jackets of Maggie 's that have broken zippers . They are still good jackets , they just need the zippers fixed . I need to take the old zippers to the store so that we can get new ones of the right color and length . This machine is an old foot pumping treadle machine . Before we use it , it must be oiled on five places underneath where the treadle is , oiled on top of the machine in about five places and oiled under the machine where the pieces move to make the bobbin move . Then the machine is run for a few minutes to get the oil worked in and then wiped off so that no oil gets onto the material . We need a project to do so that we can use the machine . Maggie and I went this morning to the University for the National History Day competition . We had to check in between 9 and 9 : 45 AM . Her website was judged at 12 : 30 and the winners were announced at 2 : 30 . She saw a friend of hers and his step - mom , so we sat with them until he presented his project at 11 : 40 . He did a documentary on Germany . Later Maggie presented her website . After that we ate lunch at the school cafeteria . Some of the questions that the judges asked were " Why did you pick this topic ? " , " What type of sources did you use ? " , and " What would someone learn from this that they didn 't already know ? " The presentations went smoothly for both of them . We walked around the building for a while . We looked at the bookstore . At the awards ceremony , neither of them won . It was sad , they had both worked so hard . Posted by Tomorrow , Maggie and I go to the University for her to compete in the National History Day competition . She has done a web site . The doors open at nine AM . Her project will be judged at 12 : 30 PM and the award ceremony is at 2 : 30 PM . I am excited to go . Last year mom took Maggie and I was with Beth at a choir competition . If Maggie wins , she will go to the state competition . We have been putting our shoes on the trays on the floor in the kitchen for a while . Any shoes that do not fit on someones tray must go to the basement shoe shelf . It has been working really well . William and Maggie are each keeping one pair of shoes on their tray . I have three pairs and Beth has a stack . Beth has them balanced very well . It has really helped a lot to have the kitchen floor cleaner . We got William 's bike back today . It needed two new inner tubes and a lining that prevents the spokes from going through the inner tubes . Some broken spokes were also fixed . We bought some wild flower seeds this weekend to go in the front of the house . These are perennial , so they should come back every year . We got two packs , of two different wild flower mixes . Once we mix them together , there should be a lot of color in the front yard . Beth helped to set up the Lego League contest at her school this year . It is where groups of younger kids come to her school with remote control robots . They have the robots do things like push Legos from one area to another or pick up Legos and move them to another area . The Legos that they move aren 't single Legos , but they are built into specific things , like chickens . The principle asked her if she wanted to come to the school over the summer to work with the Lego league . She and Maggie are also on the mission trip and have their Zoo Teen interview this weekend . She might be able to be in all of it , we don 't know how the hours will work out yet . Posted by A lot was accomplished on my list of extra things to do , this weekend . I usually can 't say that . Willaim 's bike had two flat tires and it squeaked . It went in to be looked at . The sewing machine went in to be looked at . The Christmas shopping was started . We now have one stocking stuffer . Maggie needed dominoes for her science project . We have the dominoes now . I am hoping that next week is quiet . Maggie wants to ride the unicycle . Every time that she goes out , it starts to rain . In Maggie 's science class they need to invent something . The example that they gave was if you wanted to open a door , instead of opening it by the handle , their invention might have marbles rolling down a tube , hitting a toy car that bumps into books that fall over that somehow opens the door . It is called a " rube Goldberg machine " I think . The kids have two weeks to design and build this . They are working in pairs . Maggie and the girl that she is working with are going to invent a way to get hand sanitizer out of the bottle . Posted by When I picked up Beth from school , they were outside . They had two boards about six feet long . Each board had four blocks of wood nailed to the top of them , and four ropes attached to them , each rope was by the blocks . Four kids stand on the board , like the boards are skis , with one foot on each board , all facing the same direction . Their feet are up against the blocks of wood . The object is to lift their right foot at the same time and move the board forward . Then they all move the left board forward . They had a girls team and a boys team . When someone fell off of the board , they had to take the boards back to the starting line . One person on each team called out " one , two , three , right , one two , three , left . . . " . Then they could all move together . The second game they played , I couldn 't hear the instructions . They had big blocks of different heights . Some were about five inches high , and some were about ten inches high . The blocks were in a circle about a foot apart . The kids were each given a little piece of paper and they had to move to other blocks . They had to pass each other without falling off of the blocks . The third game that they had was a string wall . They must have played this game first , I didn 't see them use it . It is two metal poles about five feet high and about six feet apart . There is a string tied between them at the top and at about one foot from the ground . Between the poles and the string , more string is tied to make openings of different sizes . There were seven openings , so each team had seven people . The object is to have everyone go through a different opening , without touching the string . The openings are different sizes and at different heights . To get to the upper openings the kids can be picked up , use chairs , use the blocks to stand on , etc . Whatever the kids can think of . Maggie is reading " Hamlet " in English class . They just finished " Mid Summers Night 's Dream " and " Animal Farm " . She didn 't talk much about the other two books , but she talks all of the time about " Hamlet " . Before the class started reading the book , Maggie found the cliff notes on the computer and she got the book from the bookstore . This book has the story in Shakespeare 's words on one side of the page , and a translation on the other side of the page . She found a " Hamlet " comic book on the Internet . She has printed it , punched holes in each page and numbered the pages . She is now coloring in the characters with colored pencils . It is so hard to find what will spark a child 's interest . " Hamlet " has sparked Maggie . I made out a list of jobs that needed to be done for our spring cleaning . It is written in my little notebook , so I won 't need to rewrite it again next year . The list is longer than I expected it to be . The girls are now signed up for ice skating lessons . William won 't go to lessons , but he will go with us to open skate . It starts in a couple of weeks . This session is four lessons . The next session after this is in the fall when the kids go back to school . It is an indoor rink , so we can go to open skate all year . We got the unicycle out on Saturday . The kids were so surprised . They pumped up the tire . William was thrilled to see it , but he said that he would ride it later and went back inside . Beth was all dressed up for St Patrick 's Day and said that she would ride it later . Maggie did ride the unicycle . We have a chain link fence in the backyard by the driveway . Maggie rode there . Maggie said that she didn 't want to take it into the front yard , where there is no fence , until she was sort of steady on it . Then the neighbors wouldn 't see her falling over . I tried it too . It is tough but do - able . It was a bigger work out than I had imagined . On a bike you need to balance to keep from falling over sideways . On a unicycle , you need to not fall over sideways or forward or backward . Maggie and I practiced for about an hour . We need at least two more unicycles so that when the kids get their balance and don 't need to hold onto the fence , they can ride together . Maggie 's website is due tonight . Changes must be done before midnight . She showed her website to the teacher today and he said that it was not right . Maggie had done a lot of quoting and footnoting . The teacher said that she couldn 't have any quoting . The whole website had to be in her words . She has to re - type the whole website tonight . Maggie has the " deer in the headlights " look . Posted by Maggie 's paper is due on Monday , but her project , the website is due tomorrow . the website will be locked out at ten pm tomorrow . No changes can be made after that . Maggie may stay up late to work on it . We now have a unicycle . It was on www . craigslist . com . There were two more listed , but when I called no one answered . This one is about the correct height for us . It needs the tire pumped but it looks in good shape . I put it in the chicken coop so that the kids won 't see it yet . Maggie has a huge paper due this week and I don 't want to pull her thoughts away from the paper . I would like to get another unicycle . Posted by Beth and the boy that she likes have reorganized the calander so that all of the holidays fall during the school year . They celebrated his birthday last month and are celebrating her birthday this month . I think that they celebrated her birthday , on her birthday too . Maybe they are celebrating them multiple times a year . Our garden from last year has sprouted . All of the plants from last year were annuals , but maybe because we had such a mild winter , some of the plants are sprouting . I had really wanted time off from the garden this year , but if it all sprouts , we will have a garden . We have a drip hose that we can set up to do the watering and we can mulch it really well . The tomato plants can go out into the middle of the yard so that they can be in the drip line too . The garlic is two or three inches high . It needs mulched because we won 't be able to mow the grass that is around it . The trays are about seven inches by fourteen inches . When I showed the trays to the kids and presented my idea , two bought into the idea and one melted down . The one piled all of their shoes on the tray making sure that if they hung off , some part of the shoe was on the tray . I said , " no , the shoes must be fully on the tray . " The shoes were unloaded and all but three pairs were taken to the basement , to go on the shoe shelf . The kitchen looks much better now and it is safer . It will be easier to mop . Our car is fixed . The brakes and the exhaust are fixed . We can get the oil change next weekend . It is so nice to drive around with the exhaust fixed , everyone doesn 't stop and look at us . We got Beth 's friend a Bible . he is new to church . He said that he would like one to read . It was such a nice day out today . Beth went outside but Maggie had too much homework . William goes out a lot during the week . I am hoping to get the car fixed this weekend . It needs the brakes and muffler looked at . It will be so nice to have the muffler fixed . It will be nice to have an anonymous car again . The weather has been nice all week . I am really glad that I matched my clothes last weekend . It was so much easier with our cat passing away to have some things done . I am not normally a sad person , but this has been so sad and so sudden . William dug a hole in the backyard . A foot down he started running into roots . Willaim took out the tree trimmers and the saw to cut the roots . We wrote on the coffin , it was a cardboard box shaped like a coffin , his name , other names that we had for him , like baby , and wrote out good - buys . We said a prayer for him and put our kitties coffin into the grave . When the dirt was put back , we put bricks over the grave to keep any animals away . There is a question in this journal about what gives you the most hope ? I had to think about the question for a long while . What gives me hope is to see my kids happy about their accomplishments , and when I have a problem that can be solved and I work out a solution . A problem that can 't be solved would be if I have to drive somewhere and there is only one way to get there and there is too much traffic . I can 't change the location or the traffic . When we have a problem that can be solved , like too many shoes in the kitchen , and we , or I , can find a solution , I begin to have hope of solving other problems . Today I found plastic trays that can each hold two pairs of shoes . I got four of them . I will tell the kids tomorrow that they can keep as many pairs of shoes as they can fit on their tray in the kitchen . The rest of the shoes must go to the shoe shelf . I keep three pairs of shoes in the kitchen . one pair each of dress shoes , tennis shoes and sandals . It is so convenient to have them all by the back door . I may have two layers of shoes on my tray . Today was a sad , long day . We thought about our kitty a lot . He was such a good kitty . When we were playing , If he was using his nails , we would say to him " We are not wrestling with our nails today . " he would pull his nails back in and keep wrestling with us . He liked to play chase with William , sit on Maggie 's book when she studied , and sleep in Lizzie 's chair . I had wanted to wait a short while to get a new cat , but my mom made a good point that it might be a good idea to wait until the kids were back from their mission trip to get a cat . Then the cat could get used to all of us at the same time . This sounds like a good idea to me . Our cat passed away today . He was fine when we got home . He greets us at the back door . Maggie took him upstairs with her . When he was in the hallway , he lost the use of his back legs . The doctor thought that he might have a blood clot . Our kitty was also breathing heavy even with the oxygen . They thought at the animal hospital that if we took him to other doctors , specialists , he might have only one or two weeks extra to live . Maggie went with me to the hospital . She and I decided to have our kitty put to sleep . It would take him out of his pain . We think that our kitty was about seven years old . It snowed a bit last night . On the grass it is still green with sprinklings of white . It is lightly snowing . I have heard that by tomorrow it will be really warm again . I wanted to make an extra effort today to get everything ready for next week . last week was such an unneeded struggle . My clothes weren 't matched , I hadn 't written or typed up my posts for the week . None of my background items were done . Everything went well with the kids , but I spent the whole week setting things up . Today , I am going to get things set - up so that next week goes easier . It seems difficult for me to set things up on the weekend . I need to have a weekday as my set - up day . Maybe that would work better . We worked on the family tree today . Maggie and Beth wrote family names on paper and cut them out . William put them on the wall with pushpins . The family tree was straight at first . We had kids , parents and grandparents . We have started to add aunts and uncles . William connected all of the names with yarn . . . connecting the people to their kids and parents . We need to put up pictures of the aunts , uncles and cousins . We need a bigger wall . We went for a short walk today . It was a little chilly . Posted by The city is going to replace all of the gas lines in our neighborhood starting mid March through the end of summer . They are also going to move all of the gas meters that are in peoples houses to outside of their houses . Ours is already outside , so ours won 't need to be moved . They plan to dig up the streets and go in all of the yards to replace the pipes up to the meters . The letter said that they would let us know when they would be digging on our street or when there would be an interruption of service . I am not looking forward to the streets being dug up . Maggie took her rolling duffel bag to school today . She was very happy with it . But . . . she did say that it was loud and it was hard to roll in the grass . She has now started using the sidewalks . I went to the store the other day . The stores have out their St . Patricks Day and Easter items . They also have their Valentines Day things on sale . We got more pushpins so that we could update the family tree in the dining room . When we first started it , it looked cool . Now it just looks wrong . Three pictures tacked up on the wall . . . in a spot where three pictures without frames wouldn 't normally be . We need to add more names and pictures . Then it will start to look like a family tree . Beth is doing a project for school . They had to pick an invention and do a PowerPoint presentation on it . She chose chewing gum . I think that Beth said that it was invented by a man who was inventing something for rubber tires . He wondered what the rubber would taste like so he put some in his mouth . He realized that if he added flavoring it would be a great product . He called his invention " Black Jack " gum . He was very adventurous with what he would eat . It snowed last week sort of heavy , with big flakes . Then it rained . A few days later it snowed with small light flakes that never made it to the ground . There was a light breese that blew them all around . Between the two snows we had about an inch of snow . It must have rained last night , the snow is all gone . It is the end of February and we haven 't had a good snow yet . we shoveled once this year . We have had a decent amount of rain . We were working on names for our Blog last night . Here are some that we thought of but didn 't like : " is this a bad haircut ? " , " We found the remote " and " I 'm texting your dog " . Then it all broke down into all silliness . We got Maggie 's Bible cover and backpack . What a relief . She has a very large Bible so we took it with us to find a cover . My advice was to get a cover with a handle and a pocket . We found a store that has a few choices and good prices . Maggie went through the choices , unzipping them to see if her Bible would fit . She found one that she liked . It has an outer pocket , a handle and a place for two pens . She was very happy to have found a Bible cover . We went to another store to get a backpack on wheels . We found a large duffel bag on wheels . It is as big as her current backpack . She opened it up to make sure that all of her things would fit in it . She tried all of the zippers and the arm that pulls out when it is being rolled . Maggie made her choice of colors , blue , and we took the bag home . We made s ' mores last night . Beth didn 't want to make any . Maggie heated up her marshmallow in the microwave . She said that it would take less time and leave less of a carbon footprint . William and I got sticks from the backyard and toasted the marshmallows over the flame on the stove . William whittled a few sticks so that they had points . It smelled like camping in the kitchen . I said that we should all get our sleeping bags and sleep in the living room . The kids said that if they were ten years old , that would be fun . Toasting a marshmallow takes a lot of skill . It was hard to get one to toast and not burn . Beth did come in later and toast a marshmallow over the stove . Today is Ash Wednesday . Our new church doesn 't have an Ash Wednesday service . On a normal Sunday they have four almost full services . If they had an Ash Wednesday service , they would need to have it four times . I understand , but I still miss the service . Maybe next year we can find a church to go to for Ash Wednesday . The girls are at Bible study tonight . Our snowdrop flowers have sprouted , and are blooming in the front yard . They are very pretty . The ones in the backyard and side yards haven 't sprouted yet . Maggie needs a new backpack and a Bible cover . We are going shopping for them this weekend . Her backpack is still good , but she has to carry so many things to school that it is too heavy . She has wanted a backpack with wheels for a long time , but all of the ones on wheels are small backpacks . A friend of hers at school has a suitcase on wheels that he uses . It seems to be OK at her school , no - one makes fun of him , so Maggie feels comfortable getting one . She is very excited . She will only need to pick it up to get it in and out of the house and car and up and down the stairs at school . We have been looking for a Bible cover , but her Bible is so big that we haven 't found one so far that will fit . We will look again this weekend . This spring we are not going to get any chickens . We had chickens last year , and after about a year we gave them to a friend . It was a nice learning experience , but I need to be in the house right now . We still have the chicken coop , so we can get more chickens another time . Maggie had mentioned last week that she was ready to learn to drive . I found on the website what paperwork we needed to take in for her to take the written driving test . I am excited . I think that she will enjoy driving . When I told Maggie what paperwork was needed to take in and that we could go next weekend , she looked panicked . Maggie said that she couldn 't study for the driving test now since she has a big paper due this month . She said that she will let me know when she is ready . Posted by Maggie made a second rocket out of a two litter bottle for science class . She used more tape on the four fins and taped a paper plate onto the bottom of the bottle , which when shot is now the top . The top needed more weight . The changes worked . Her rocket shot up this time instead of to the side . She was very pleased with it . I have started exercising . I have a friend who was talking about wanting to exercise , so we are both going to exercise each day and check in with each other . We are both trying not to be the first one to drop out . I volunteered at a retreat at church this weekend . It was fun to serve . There were a lot of friends there that I usually don 't get to see . Maggie is trying to build a rocket out of an empty two liter bottle , for a school project . She taped four cardboard fins to the bottle and took it to school . They were launched in science class today . The goal was for the bottle rocket to shoot straight up . Maggies went off to the side . She got a new two litter bottle from her grandma today . The school will be launching rockets again tomorrow , so the kids have a chance to re - design their rockets . Maggie says that she needs to have a heavier cap . She is going to tape the four old fins onto the new bottle . She wants to make a heavier cap by taping a paper plate to the lid . She said that two kid 's rockets flew up , everyone elses went to the side . Beth is an Atheist . She doesn 't have beliefs in religion . I am not sure where the edges of her beliefs are , but she is sure that she doesn 't want to be baptized . Our new church baptizes people as adults . The church that we now go to has a Sunday night concert for junior high and high school kids . Beth did want to go to that , it is more loud music . . . Christian music , but loud music . . . than preaching . When Maggie decided to join the Bible study , Beth said " No " , it was not for her . That is OK with me . She should only go if it is something that she wants to do . At the Sunday night concerts , one of the girls started talking to Beth and invited her to the Bible study . Beth 's is separate from Maggie 's , they are grouped by grade . Beth said that she would try it out . The first time that Beth went , I asked her to observe a little and not start out by telling them that they are all wrong . The friend said that it was OK if Beth was an atheist and the welcomed discussion and other points of view . Beth wasn 't happy after the first time that she went . She said that they were all wrong about everything , but she hadn 't said much because I had asked her to observe . Beth decided to go back a second time . She was beginning to get to know the kids . The second week she did join into the discussion . She didn 't come out any happier . About two weeks ago she came out of Bible study and said that she was never going back . She is a teenager so she didn 't tell me any more than that . I didn 't ask why . I said that it was OK and I trusted her judgement . The next week she went back , not mentioning the prior week . When Beth was done she said that the kids had been happy to see that she had decided to come back . The next day one of the kids texted Beth and said , could she be Beth 's texting buddy and send her Bible verses every day and Beth could text her and tell her why each verse was all wrong and the girl said that it was OK with her to debate about the verses . Beth thought that this sounded fun . The friend is following through and sending the Bible verses . Beth texts her right back with how they are wrong . Last week Beth came out from Bible study and said that they had had a forty - five minute discussion where they had debated about Christianity , Beth had said how it was wrong . Beth said that she thought that she had won . Last Sunday at the church concert one of the kids from her Bible study introduced her to a boy who had been an Atheist and was now a Christian . They talked for a while . He said that he had read a book that had really helped him to become a Christian . I don 't know the name of the book . I will share it when Beth finds out the title . The boy asked Beth if he brought in the book , would she read it ? She said yes . Maybe he will have the book next week . I am hoping that little by little God is working in Beth 's heart , through all of these people so that Beth can become a believer . Maggie 's school is pre - selling yearbooks . She is taking in the money tomorrow . She will keep the receipt . In junior high one year , they didn 't record that she had paid for a yearbook and they didn 't have any extras . Luckily we had the receipt , so Maggie did get one . Beth 's school hasn 't said anything about yearbooks yet . The girls and I are selling candy bars to pay for the girl 's mission trip to New Orleans this summer . Sales are going slowly , but we are still trying . We have a few more months to keep selling . For Valentines Day yesterday , we bought pizza and watched " Lord of the Rings " while we ate . I know that it was a school night , but one night in front of the T . V . won 't hurt . Our church is having a retreat this weekend . I am not going on the retreat , but I am hoping to go Saturday night to help . Our vacuum cleaner died . We vacuumed the house Saturday . The kids said that it didn 't sound good the last time that they used it . I had just finished the house when the motor started to get really loud . There is a vacuum cleaner shop down the street that we have used before . We have a lot of hair in our house , so we go through a lot of vacuums . William and Beth got haircuts this weekend . William needed new tennis shoes too . Maggie was glad to stay home . She had a lot of homework to do this weekend . She has been working on the big paper that she has to write . Also , she has an empty two litter bottle that she is making into a rocket for science class . They have a lot of math to do for the rocket project , like figuring out how fast and far it will go . I think that they will go outside and launch them . I don 't know what other homework Maggie has . Maggie turned in the rough draft of her paper on Friday . She was relieved to have it done . I think that the final project is due this month . Maggie thinks that it is due in March . Valentines Day is this week . My kids are in college and high school now so we don 't get the packs of cards for them to give out at school . When Beth was in the seventh grade she took in cards and gave them to her friends , but she was in junior high , so there was no party . We talked about learning Morse code last night at dinner . William had nothing to say about it , wheather he would learn it or not . Maggie is ready to learn it . She goes over each time that she sees another letter up and begins to memorize it . Beth says that her life is already full enough with school and friends . She is not learning it . She can do all of the sign language letters by memory . Beth says that this is enough . We now have the letter " C " up . I am still trying to learn the letter " A " . William noticed that if we have the family tree up on one wall and the Morse Code on another wall , he doesn 't think that it will all fit . He thinks that I should put all of the Morse Code on one paper and be done with it . It would be quicker and take up less room . . I said that if the Morse Code starts to take up too much room we can always re - write it to one sheet . . I like having one letter go up each week , it gives us time to absorb it . I like going on vacation with my kids . There was one summer when the kids were young , we couldn 't afford to go any where . What we did was to get a map of our town . We found our street on it , where their grade school was , where the church was and we looked at which streets we drove down to get to each place . We also looked at which way was north and south . Then we looked at where some of the playgrounds were in town . We found playgrounds in parks and at schools . Each Saturday we would get out the map and figure out which parks we had already been to and where we should go to next . We went to different parks all summer . We kept the map in a spot where the kids could get to it . Sometimes on Saturday morning they would get the map out and look over it . They would try to remember which parks we had gone to and decide where we should go to next . One would say " We have been to that one already , don 't you remember , it had all of the swings . " or " it had the best slide . " In the end we were taking containers of water with us . I thought about taking packed lunches and making a full day out of the trip , but we never knew if there would be a bathroom at each play area , so I never promised a full day . By the time that it got cold out we had other activities to do on Saturdays . We had seen a lot of play areas , but there were a lot of ones that we didn 't have time to get to . When we were out and driving around town in the summer and we spotted a playground , we would try to remember if we had already gone to that one or if we should try to go to it next . There was usually a lot of debate . If the playground only had a slide and a few swings then it never made the list of possible choices . This was the best , cheapest and longest summer vacation that we ever went on . Maggie talked to a teacher today about her thesis statement for her project . The teacher had told her yesterday that her thesis statement was a statement and not something that needed to be prooven . Her thesis statement needs to be something that she prooves . The first rough draft is due this Friday . Today she had a chance to talk to the teacher and fix her statement . Her paper needs to be six pages long . Maggie has started to write the paper even though the thesis statement problem needs to be worked out . The kids noticed the Morse Code " A " on the wall at dinner the other day . They weren 't excited . They asked why it was on the wall . They said " Didn 't we learn this already ? " I said that we had only gotten a few letters into the alphabet when we took them down to sell the house . The kids don 't want to learn Morse Code on purpose , but if the letters are on the wall , maybe the kids will learn Morse code by just seeing it all of the time . I would like to learn this language too . Sometimes I teach the kids things , but I don 't really learn it . With this , when I walk past the letters , I am going to make an effort to say the letter and the symbol each week . Happy Valentines Day ! ! ! We are trying to find a new name for this Blog . I would like to name it something that doesn 't have a name in it . Most people either have cute names or names that describe what they write about , like " Frugal Mom " or Circus Life " . We are trying to re - name it as a family but we can 't come to any agreement . We have thought of a few names like " this is how we grow " and " are we there yet ? " , but we all don 't like any of them . If anyone has some suggestions for a name , that are " G " rated and describes our blog , please comment them . Since I was writing about Morse Code , it seamed like a good idea to start learning it again . I got some notebook paper and cut the sheets in half and put one letter and it 's symbol on each sheet . I also wrote up the numbers . The letter " A " is now hanging on the dining room wall . It 's symbol is " . _ " The rest of the pages are in my room . The goal is to put up one new letter a week . The kids can tell me if that is too fast or slow . This is the first picture added to the blog ! Very exciting ! ! ! I don 't have any plans for after church today . It would be nice to lay out my clothes for next week The kids get their clothes together each weekend , but sometimes I don 't get to it . About two weeks ago , on the weekend , I got my clothes together and planned the meals . The next week was so nice . It is always such a relief to have some things done ahead , but sometimes I just don 't get to it . Posted by We haven 't done anything with the family tree on the dining room wall lately . Maggie has printed her family tree from the computer . What we should do is write the names and relationships on papers and hang them up . The reason that we stopped is that we didn 't have any pictures of the next generation . We could hang up names and when we get pictures we can add them in . This would keep the project moving . I need to finish updating the calendar . It was started at the end of December . The appointments have been added , but the repetitive events are not on it yet . I need to go through it again , month by month , looking at last years calendar and finish it . Also the dinner jobs need to be written in the corner . Their dinner jobs are , napkins , silverware and drinks . The kids keep the job for a month and then switch . They are written on the corner of each month of the calendar because we can 't remember each month who has what job , much less to remember them day to day . My dinner job each day is to make dinner . The kids do help make dinner now and then . Posted by I have almost filled my journal . I went out last Friday to the Hallmark store by my house to get another one . The store must have moved . There was another store in its spot . I like writing in a journal , then the kids can have them when they grow up . Since the Hallmark store had moved I went to the Christian Book Store , to find a journal . They had a lot of choices , but they were all printed in China . I wanted one that was made in America . The cashiers said that they didn 't know which , if any , were made in America . I did find one . It was the " Max Lucado Journal - Outlive Your Life . " At Christmas the local newscaster had a challenge for our town . Could all of us , when we bought our Christmas presents for people , give at least one present that was made in America ? This challenge was more difficult than I thought it would be . There aren 't many things in the stores that are made in America . The kids each received one present that was made in America . Posted by The kids are required now to take a foreign language in college . We don 't know any foreign languages . Maggie and Beth both took spanish in grade school . At home , for a while , we were playing a CD of Chinese language lessons while we ate dinner . I had hoped that we would learn some Chineese from it . We didn 't . We also tried to learn Morse code . I don 't think that the kids could take this in college , but it was fun . It is dots and dashes . I took a piece of writing paper and put an " A " on it and the Morse code for " A " under it and taped it to the wall . We found the code in the encyclopedia . The next week I hung up the paper for " B " . After the kids learned all of them I was going to give them treasure hunts using Morse Code . I know that Morse Code isn 't often used , but any time that they are learning it is good . We didn 't finish learing the whole alphabet because we were going to move and they had to come off of the wall . We have also tried to learn sign language . At one of the teacher supply stores we got a sign language poster . We have it in the dining room . Some of the kids picked up the alphabet very quickly . I am trying really hard with it . We need to start learning it again , this would be a good choice for a college class . Maggie has a big paper due soon . The teacher is going to give them the details of what is required on Monday . The first rough draft , typed , is due on Friday and I think that the paper is due this month . The kids can do a paper , web site , documentary or they have a few other choices . They take their project to the local University and compete against other schools . Maggie got her books about a month ago . We have already renewed them once . The kids had to take their books to school last week to do their bibliography . Maggie wants to do a web page . She has her topic . Once the teacher gives the guidelines on Monday then she can start working on it . She will be relieved to have it done . The kids switched household jobs again , since this is the first of the month . William is now the laundry person , Maggie has dishes for the first half of the month and Beth is on break . It was tough for Maggie to do homework and the dishes last month ( we do have a dishwasher ) , but she got through it . We have a map of the world on our dining room table . There is a big sheet of clear plastic over it . ( I like the plastic from the painting areas at the store . They are big , thick and inexpensive ) The corners of the plastic are taped down around the under side of the table so that the map and plastic stays in place . When we first started doing this we had a map of our town on the table . We put it there at about the same time that we started using a map to see where all of the play areas were in town ( see post from two days ago ) . Now we have a map of the world . I currently sit by California . William is by Russia . Maggie sits by the North Pole and Beth sits by the South Pole . I would like to put a map of the Universe on the table , but I haven 't found a cheap one . The map of the world is useful . If we hear something on the news about another country , we can find it on the map . Posted by Inside an Insane Mind left a comment . I can 't access your blog . Can you please leave your web site ? Thank you for thinking of me ! ! ! We went to a meeting at Maggie 's school the other day . All of the kids from her grade were there . It was like all of the kids and their parents going to the guidance counselor at the same time to see how they are doing . We got a copy of her high school and college transcripts and her standardized test scores . She is doing OK . We were told that the kids should look closely at their high school grade point average and standardized test scores and make sure that they are high enough to get them into their field or college at the University . The Principal said that they could be accepted into the University with lower scores , but when it came time to apply to their college , like the College of Engineering , they may need higher scores . When we got home Maggie got online and found out what GPA and test scores she would need to be able to apply . I explained that the scores that were on the web site were the minimum scores to apply . If everyone else has higher scores than her she might not be accepted . We hadn 't thought about that before . Now she has some numbers to strive for . Maggie and Beth share a room now . So far it is working out well . The girls moved the rooms themselves . Since they didn 't want any help , I moved the boxes in the basement so that they aren 't in front of the shoe shelf . We need to sort through the shoes on the shelf and have the kids get rid of everything that doesn 't fit . It will be nice to get all of the extra shoes out of the kitchen and onto the shoe shelf . We went to the mission trip meeting at church . There were a lot of kids there . The meeting was about how to raise money for the trip , what the kids would see and do on the trip and they had time for the families to ask questions . It looked very organized to me . They did say that everyone should go with an open mind because sometimes plans do change . If the supplies don 't show up or if they had planned on an outside project and it starts to rain , everything changes . They said that everyone needs to be ready to make an adjustment without complaining . The girls each saw someone that they knew at the meeting . I was glad about that since we are still so new to the church . The girls want to go on a mission trip with the church to New Orleans . We got them boxes of candy bars to start selling to pay for the trip . We know that Beth is allowed to sell candy at her school . Maggie is going to check Monday and see if she can sell candy too . We are going to move Beth 's bed into Maggie 's room . They like to be in the same room , and Beth 's room has the old style of outlets , so Beth can 't plug anything in . I am not sure that this will work , but we will try it . When I asked Maggie what she thought about moving Beth into her room she said yes right away . . Maggie started yesterday moving her things . . . book shelf , toys , table . . . into her closet . She said that she would rather have these things in her closet than in Beth 's room . Posted by William and I put plastic on the last window in the living room yesterday . It is cold out finally , so it couldn 't be put off any longer . It got really cold on Thursday night . In the morning , all of the pipes were OK except for the one going to the tub . Only a small trickle of water would come out . The bathroom is built over a crawl space . There is a vent in the crawl space that leads outside . We have Styrofoam on the outside of the house in this vent to keep the cold air out of the crawl space . We take the Styrofoam out when the weather turns nice in the spring . If we didn 't take it out , then there would be mold in the crawl space . We also have the door to the crawl space open to the basement and a screen over the opening . Then we have an infrared light in there all winter . The bulb in the light burned out Thursday night . In the morning the water barely came out of the pipe . I took the hair dryer to the basement and began blowing hot air into the crawl space . I am not saying that this is the correct way to thaw a pipe . I have heard of people who have done this and have had the pipe split which made a big mess and cost a lot of money to fix . This is just how I thaw a pipe . When it was time to leave , there was more water coming out of the faucet but it wasn 't totally unblocked . Beth was home for the day . Her school had the day off . When the water pipe began to freeze up later , she went every ten to fifteen minutes and turned the water on . We can 't leave it on because our tub only has an " on " and an " off " , not a " slower " and a " faster " setting . She also took an electric heater to the basement and put it by the crawl space opening . She checked that a lot too to make sure that it wasn 't overheating anything in the basement . The pipe didn 't freeze . Beth did a great job handling this for us . We got a new light bulb and within an hour or two the pipe was unfrozen . We need to get a back - up light bulb . We went outside to shovel snow yesterday . It took a while even though we have a very small drive , because we had a snowball fight and then threw shovels of snow at each other . We had to keep re - shoveling each spot . There is one empty house on our street . I sent the girls over to shovel their sidewalk and the front part of their drive . Then the house won 't look abandoned . They also walked through the yard a few times , it just looked too abandoned . William likes to do all of the finishing work when we shovel . When we get done he will go back and scrape all of the way to the cement . Sometimes the girls do that too , but not today . I like to do enough to get the car in the garage and then let the sun melt the rest . We need to make plans for something fun for us to do this winter . Then we will have something to look forward to . There are a lot of free local newspapers outside of the library . I need to get some and see what is happening around town . We signed up to volunteer at church in the kid area . I am not sure if we should go to an earlier service and then volunteer during the next service , or volunteer first . I am really looking forward to getting to help . We volunteered at our last church . It will help us meet more people too . Our cat got some toys for Christmas . His favorite is round and plastic and has a ball inside that can go around on a little track . He can reach in with his paw and move the ball , but the ball can 't come out . He likes to play with it , but he doesn 't like us to watch him play . If he catches us watching him , then he steps back from the toy and looks around like he is saying " I wasn 't playing with it , it wasn 't me . " When we leave the room he will go back to it . We made the kids household job change of the dishwashers on the fifteenth . William finished washing all of the dishes that couldn 't go into the dishwasher . He also washed all of the dishes that had gone in the dishwasher but hadn 't gotten clean , by hand . Maggie is the next dish person and William is now on break . Beth still has the laundry for the rest of the month . The first day that Maggie had dishes was her day to do the kitty litter and do dishes and she had homework . She did most of the dishes and finished them the next day . She has only been doing the dishes for a few days . We will wait and see how it goes . The girls and I have been reading a book called " Dateable " . It is advice about high school kids dating . It talks in their language and has a lot of good ideas . It is by Justin Lookadoo and Haley DiMarco . It talks about what kids should put into dating and it talks from the girls and the boys point of view . William and I read it together a few years ago . We started to put up the family tree in the dining room . We got out a bunch of pictures of the close relatives , the kids , grandparents , aunts and uncles and cousins and started choosing pictures to hang up . We decided that if we had a choice of pictures , for an older person , we would choose a picture from when they were middle aged . It took about an hour to go through all of the pictures and to decide which picture of my kids to hang up . We now have three pictures up . They are about halfway up the wall with a thumb tack in each one . We didn 't put names or relationships on them yet . We are not sure how we are going to attach the names to the pictures . We are going to connect the kids to parents with blue yarn , so we can see the relationship against the white wall . Maggie has a lot of the family history . She had to do some research for a school paper . She is going to print it for us . It is so exciting that we have started this project . We need to start hanging up the family tree in the dining room . . . I know that it is one more thing that will need to come down when we move . We tried to figure out a way to hang it up without putting a lot of holes into the wall . We are going to use thumbtacks . At least the holes will be small . We are going to try to find a picture of each person and put their name and relationship to the kids under the picture . We will probably only have pictures of people for the first few generations . Then we will hang up names and relationships of the other generatons . We will have colored string or yarn connecting kids to parents . The kids want to know who their relatives are . When the Christmas cards come in they say that they would like more information . We should start putting this together today . We chose the dining room because people won 't see it when they first come into the house . One of Maggie 's teachers took some of the maps out of his National Geographic magazines and gave them to Maggie . She has started to hang them in her room . Some of the maps are three feet by three feet so her walls are starting to become completely covered . Beth has pictures of celebrities on her walls and William 's walls don 't have any posters . It is OK that the kids have posters up but when we move they will need to come down . People like to see what the walls look like . Beth needs to take in a baked good to school on Tuesday and one on Wednesday this week . She is going to make brownies . On the first day they are having a baked sale . On the second day a friend is leaving to go to another school . The calendar for next week is blank . Nothing going on . There is so much opportunity there to do so much , or to do nothing and rest . We don 't have anything planned to do today , besides church this morning and the girls have a church concert to go to this evening . The concert is for the junior high and senior high kids . The band plays Christian rock songs and the kids sing along . It is nice to have a weekend where there isn 't much planned . Today is the last day for William to do the dishes . Tomorrow he is on break until the end of the month and Maggie is the dish person . If you are new to this Blog , look back two posts to see how this is set up . Beth has the laundry for the whole month . So far this plan is working well . Today was mostly a quiet day . We had gotten movies from the library yesterday . We watched movies and the kids also did homework and played . Maggie and I went to the downtown library . She has a big project that is due in a month or two . She got twenty five books . She only needs ten , but we can take back the ones that she decides she doesn 't need . They were heavy . We had to carry them to the car . Later we all went outside to play . We have about an inch of snow . The girls took out their soccer ball and kicked it around . We changed the kids jobs at the house again . At first we had a rough time setting them up because Maggie had so much homework . We were trying to get the kids to have dish nights . With three kids and seven nights a week we finally settled on Beth doing dishes on Monday and Tuesday . William had dishes on Wednesday and Thursday and Maggie had dishes on Friday and Saturday . Then I would take Sunday . It didn 't work . Having those days of the week worked with Maggies homework , but nothing else worked . The dishes would be started too late for two loads to be done , or all of the things that couldn 't go into the dishwasher wouldn 't get washed . Everyone could remember who should have done what dirty dishes and it was never theirs . So the next person wouldn 't do the dishes because the person before them hadn 't finished theirs , etc , etc , etc . That was plan " A " . So we moved to plan " B " . We added in laundry . Remember that my kids are in college and in high school . . . and I am trying to teach them some responsibility and skills so that when they go out into the world , they can survive . In plan " B " we went to a more monthly approach . One person did the laundry all month . This is really only one or two loads a day . ( I cam already hear everyone panicking ) The other two kids split the dishes . They go every other day . The laundry part worked . No - one is thrilled with the laundry , but there is no pan scrubbing involved . The dishes didn 't work . We had the same problems that we had with plan " A " . Now , we have just started plan " C " . The laundry part will stay the same . Here is the plan for the dishes . The kids will still switch jobs each month . This month Beth has laundry and William and Maggie have dishes . From the first to the fifteenth William has the dishes every day . Maggie has a break . She had laundry last month . Also . . . she has less homework this year . Maggie will have dishes from the sixteenth to the end of the month and William will be on break . Next month William will go to laundry and Beth will start the month on break while Maggie will have the dishes from the first to the fifteenth . This really isn 't as complicated as it sounds . This is our first month on plan " C " . So far the dishes start - up was slow . William wasn 't doing the dishes , or wasn 't doing all of them . Then he realized that no one else was coming to do them the next day , and if I was going to make dinner , we needed clean dishes . It has been going better this week . I hope that this plan works because I don 't have a plan " D " . Another time saver that we used to do was to pre - wrap the snacks for the kids lunches . I would put the chips , crackers etc . in individual size amounts in sandwich bags and put them into a large plastic container with a lid . The kids made their own sandwiches on the weekend and put them into the freezer . Each child has their own type of container . One has a square container , one has a round one and one has a butter container . Each night the kids would pick a snack and put it in their lunch box . In the morning I add the sandwich and the juice box . Some mornings as we are about to leave , we realize that we didn 't pack any lunches . Since everything is pre - done , we can get the lunches together as we leave . I don 't pre - wrap the snacks anymore . Each of the kids likes to do their own . When the kids were little they couldn 't match up outfits for the week , so they helped me match their clothes . First they were asked to bring me five pairs of school pants . These were folded in half the long way and layed flat . Then they brought five pairs of socks , five shirts and five undies . These were folded and one shirt , pair of socks , etc . was put on the pants . The pants were either rolled up with the other items in them or folded up . Then we had five rolls of clothes . The first week that we did this all of the clothes were put in the kids rooms , but the kids knocked them over and everything came undone . After that everything was kept in my room until they were old enough to keep the clothes matched . This helps us to see when we need to have laundry done by . If there were no shirts for Thursday , we knew that Wednesday was the latest that we could do laundry . It is a great visual . It also makes getting the kids dressed each day easier . I have a friend that told me about doing this , but she hangs each matched outfit over a hanger . Then any child old enough to take the hanger down can get their own clothes . We tried hanging the clothes on a hanger , but everything kept falling off of the hanger . At Thanksgiving we had a cutting from the blackberry bush and another bush as our centerpiece . We also had a glass container of pine cones . The blackberry bush cutting has sprouted a root . Maggie has one of her puzzles partway together . It is a cartoon of a lot of office people in their cubicles . I think that it is only about four more months until spring . Yesterday I wanted to wash the car windows . It was so nice out . Then I noticed that the kids were sitting on the front porch , their friends hadn 't come out . They washed the windows with me . Sometimes I forget to ask them to do jobs with me . Sometimes they like learning new things , and sometimes they don 't . The windows needed a good cleaning . We washed off the headlights and the tail lights too . One day a long time ago , I was at a gas station and there was a man washing his car windows . then he washed the headlights and the tail lights . I thought that it was a good idea . After church Beth did more math . William played a game on his computer . Maggie had bought some tabs for her Bible that say the books of the Bible on them . When she was young she got some and put them on her junior high Bible before we could go over the directions together . Maggie put them all in a straight row and then realized that she couldn 't see them . . . because they were all on top of each other . This time she read the directions and we talked about it . She can read all of them this time . I make lists , then I know what needs to be done . This helps because then I don 't need to keep trying to remember what needs to be done , I can just look at my list . As long as the list isn 't lost , everything is OK . The problem is that on a lot of lists , I am a list maker , and not a list doer . If it is a list about what to do this weekend , like match the clothes for the week , we can usually accomplish those lists . When I make a longer term list , a lot of it doesn 't get done . . . or it takes a really long time . For a while I was making long term lists , not accomplishing most of it , and loosing the list . Then I got a small notebook . In the front I put short term items , like fill out Christmas cards or check everyones winter jacket to see if they still fit . I didn 't think that there was that much to write but it ended up taking four pages . . . don 't laugh , it 's a small notebook . In the back of the notebook , I put long term items like move to a new house . The notebook was started last summer . The simpler things have been crossed off , but there is still a lot left to do . . . even in the front of the notebook . Each page has some crossed off and some not crossed off . The items that still need to be done need to be put on a new sheet and the old pages thrown away . It will be easier to see what needs to be done . Having a list that won 't get lost has helped . I have started to make a plan for what to do this summer . One of my New Year 's resolutions is to accomplish at least one item from these lists each week . Yesterday the girls wanted to stop at the store to spend some of their Christmas money . Maggie wanted K ' nex , she builds with them . They are plastic and they snap together . Beth wanted a memory card for her phone . Maggie didn 't get the K ' nex . The sets cost more than she had . Also , they were kits to build specific things , like roller coasters or Ferris wheels . She wanted generic pieces . Maggie ended up getting two puzzles . Maggie has a big project due in a month or two for English ? Social Studies ? for National History Day . She is going to make a web page for her project . We were going to go to the library this weekend to get books , but we forgot . We will try to go next weekend . She is not sure when the first rough draft is due . When they were young they used to tell me when projects were due . . . sometimes . Now there isn 't as much information coming home . It is probably better this way , because when they are in college they will need to be able to handle the work on their own . But it does worry me . The colleges will look at their high school grades , so they need to be their best . . . but at the same time , they need to learn to handle their work themselves ( I am always here if they need me ) . It is a tough balance . We took the Christmas tree down today . We brought the plastic bin and the Christmas tree box into the living room . We wanted to put the lights on the bottom of the box , because they are the heaviest , but they come off of the tree last . So , we took all of the ornaments off of the tree and put them on the couch , then we took off all of the lights . Somehow , no one sat on any of the ornaments . We put the lights then the ornaments into the box . We also have some Christmas stockings around the house and some of the kids Christmas artwork from grade school around the house too . These all went into the box . The most breakable ornaments went into egg cartons . . . this idea came from the K - Love radio station www . klove . com Everything fit into the box except for the wreath that we hang outside . After the Christmas tree box and the plastic container of lights and decorations was carried into the basement we started finding ornaments that had been knocked aside . Some had fallen off of the tree on their own , some the cat had started taking down . The living room looks so empty now . Beth went back to school today . She has at least one more week to finish her math . Maggie goes back tomorrow . We will probably take down the Christmas decorations this weekend . Sometimes when we take them down , I am really ready for them to be put away . This year I will miss them . We really enjoyed Christmas this year . We have a blue plastic container to put the decorations into instead of boxes . This will make it easier to find the decorations next year . Also , it will be easier to put away stray ornaments that we find later . We gave our extra tree to Goodwill before Christmas . We also gave them all of the extra Christmas tree bases . Our evening has revolved around high school age kids . Tonight is Bible study for Maggie and Beth . Maggie 's group meets at the church . Beth 's meets at someones house . We tried in December to find the house . We couldn 't find it . We had a street name and a house number , but no phone to call and get more directions . Today we had a street name , a house number , a street that it was by , the high school that it is by , a phone number and a working phone . We still got lost . We found it on the map before we left the house . We were in the correct neighborhood the last time . It took about five texts and five phone calls , but we found the house . When the kids need to to get directions to someplace new , it is always an adventure trying to find it . I hope that we can start volunteering at church soon . We have the phone number of who to call to get signed up . The lady that I talked to today said that if we brought a different person with us each week , it would be OK , they could help too . We are at a big church and they do background checks before people can volunteer with the kids . The friend that we bring wouldn 't have a background check done . We need to join the church too . There is a packet of information to read over to be sure that we agree with the teachings of the church . We all need to look it over and decide if we are going to make a commitment to the church . It is slightly rainy today and about 40 deg . F . Tomorrow we should get one to three inches of snow and it should be about 20 deg . F . Yesterday we watched ' ' Mr . Magiriam 's Wonder Emporium ' ' . Happy New Year ! ! ! I can 't believe that it is 2012 already . Our cat has started to stalk the Christmas tree ornaments . He sits in front of the tree and stares at the ornaments and then jumps up and pushes his paw at one to see if it will fall . If it does he chases it around . We need to take the tree down . I wish that he would get that much enjoyment out of his presents that he got for Christmas . The kids Christmas presents are still in the living room . I hope that they leave the presents there , it is such a fun , Christmas - y look . It reminds me of the fun when everyone was here at Christmas . The kids are off of school next week . Beth has a lot of math to do over the vacation . We finally have a calendar for 2012 . I need to sit down with the new one and the 2011 one and write in all of the important dates . We write in birthdays and other big days like Thanksgiving . Then I put a note one or two weeks before the holiday that has a reminder of what needs done for that event . Like ' ' buy Thanksgiving food ' ' . If we are extra busy with homework or life , it is good to have that note on the calendar ahead of time . I write notes ahead for all of the events . . . birthdays , holidays , school starting , etc . We also put garbage day on the calendar . Last year our garbage day would move out one day if there was a holiday . This year it is back to the same day every week . . . I think . Also , every other week the recycling is picked up . We usually keep the Christmas tree up for a few weeks after Christmas . The tree is so pretty . I love to have the lights on when we are at home . We left the ornaments off of the bottom two rows of the tree this year , so that the cat wouldn 't get them . Merry Christmas ! ! ! We had a good Christmas . We got up on time this year , so we were able to make breakfast . Maggie helped me make breakfast first , then Beth helped later . My mom and brother showed up at eight am . We used to have the Mary and Joseph figures finish their trip through the house and go to the manger scene and we would add baby Jesus on Christmas morning . We have stopped doing that . It was fun when the kids were young . When we set up the Christmas tree we had Mary and Joseph start out in the kitchen . Each night they would be moved closer to the manger scene . Sometimes we forgot and had to move them farther the next day . One year we forgot completely and they had to make the whole trip on Christmas morning . . . there was a lot of homework that year . Then after the manger scene is all together , and baby Jesus has been brought in , we read a short passage from the Bible , usually from the book of Luke . Then we open presents . I know some families that make a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus , but we don 't do that . Christmas is a lot easier now that the girls don 't get as many dolls . The dolls were always tied so tightly to the boxes . One year Christmas just stopped while we got the dollies out of the boxes . The next year , I went out early and unattached the dolls from the boxes . That Christmas went so much smoother . As the kids open presents I keep a list of who got what from whom . Not from Santa , but from other people . This makes writing thank - yous so much easier . When the kids were little , I wrote the thank - you , and the kids drew a picture on it . Now they can write their own thank - yous . We try to get them written the day after Christmas . I would like to get everything moved from in front of the shoe shelf . The kids and I can 't use the shelf until we can get to it . I would like to get four rubber mats for the kitchen and tell everyone that they must keep their shoes on their mat . Any extra shoes need to be kept in the basement . I don 't think that all of the water that comes into the house in the winter is good for the kitchen floor . The rubber mats would either be like the mats that dishes are dried on , or like small car mats , the winter kind that absorb water . We had a dusting of snow last week . It was pretty . The ground is still warm so the snow only stuck on the grass and trees , not on the streets or sidewalks . It is about thirty - five deg . F today . I heard that next week it will get up to forty deg . F . I am ready for spring . I haven 't started making my New Year 's resolutions yet this year . Some years I have lists of things that I want to do or change , but this year seems to be a little more quiet or settled . . . maybe because the kids are older . The kids don 't make New Years resolutions , that I know about . They say that they are happy with themselves the way that they are . Yesterday the kids also wrote their Christmas cards to everyone . They give people cards instead of presents . They make about ten to fifteen cards . This year Maggie and Beth did their cards together . One wrote Merry Christmas and Happy New Year on each paper and the other drew a picture on each one . Then they both signed their name . William made his own cards . Usually they all make their own cards . Today we went to church . After church Maggie studied science and Beth worked on math on the computer . Tonight the girls are at church . The kids ( junior high and high school ) have sort of a youth group / concert . We have been doing a lot of sorting and cleaning in the basement . It looks a lot better . Maybe over the holidays we can spend some more time sorting down there . It always feels so good to take a load to Goodwill . The basement needs to be sorted so that we don 't need to move it when we buy our next house . On Saturday we started the Buckeye cookies . Maggie and Beth mixed the peanut butter with the butter and powdered sugar . Then they formed them into small balls and put them on trays covered in Saran Wrap ( so that they wouldn 't stick to the tray ) . We put all of the trays into the freezer to harden . Next all four of us made Christmas ornaments . We had wooden ornaments with a hole punched in the top . We color them with magic markers and put our initials and the year on the back . Later all four of us finished the cookies . It seems strange to write that all four of us did the ornaments and cookies . Usually we have one person that doesn 't want to participate . For the ornaments , we color one for that person and put their initials on it . The next year when we decorate the tree , as we put on ornaments that were made by us , we show the person the ornament and say something like , " this was yours from last year . " When the ornaments are shown that the person didn 't do , they spend a bit of time looking at the ornament and trying to remember coloring it . They can 't remember because they didn 't color it , so they say , " wow , I don 't remember coloring that one " . We always guess that it is one that we did for that person . We finished the cookies . We melted the chocolate chips in a double boiler . . . the recipe says to add paraffin wax . I can 't put wax into something that we will eat , so we leave it out . What the wax does , I have heard , is to keep the chocolate on the peanut butter . Our chocolate does run off , so there is a big base under the peanut butter ball . But it still tastes the same . We took the trays of peanut butter balls out of the freezer and , using toothpicks , we put them into the melted chocolate , almost covering the peanut butter completely . Next they were put back onto the Saran Wrap covered trays to dry . We had Christmas music on when we did all of these Christmas things , and movies playing the rest of the time . Maggie got her wisdom teeth out . It went really well . It took about a half hour total to pull all four teeth . They took both of us into the room that she was going to have them pulled in . She sat in the patient chair . They asked her name and grade , to make sure that they had the correct patient . As they asked questions , they hooked up three or four heart beat monitors , one on each arm , and one on her ankle . They also put a temperature strip on her forehead . This took about ten minutes . Then the doctor came in and looked at her x - ray and talked to us for a minute . . . just to say that it looked like there would be no complications because the teeth had not grown in too far . Then they had me go to the waiting room . About ten minutes later they came back for me . Everything had gone well . Maggie was in a recovery room , sitting up and looking very groggy . They gave me directions of what to do at home . . . how to rinse the mouth , when to start the medicine , pain medicine and antibiotics . She was groggy on the way home . We already had the pain medicine and antibiotics prescriptions filled and we had the ice cream , apple sauce and pudding , so we could go straight home . We also had some library movies . Maggie watched movies and ate ice cream and apple sauce for the rest of the day . The next day she was allowed to brush her teeth and she felt well enough to eat regular foods . I am so relieved that it went well . Maggie gets her wisdom teeth out tomorrow . She is excited . The teeth hurt . She will miss school tomorrow . The surgery isn 't until 12 : 30 but she can 't have anything to eat or drink that morning . The doctor said that if she went to school for the morning , there would be too much of a temptation to get a drink from the drinking fountain . The doctor said that it would be best if she could just stay home . We bought ice cream for Maggie to have after the surgery and we will get her some applesauce too . They said that cold soft foods are best at first . Later she can have warm , soft foods . We already have pudding . We also got some movies from the library . If Maggie heals fast , we need to do some Christmas things this weekend . We still need to color our ornament and have the kids make Christmas cards for other people . The kids give Christmas cards to people instead of giving gifts . When they were little , I wrote the cards and they colored on them . Later they could sign their name and draw a picture . Now , they can do the whole card . We also need to make cookies . We want to make Buckeyes first . I think that the Buckeyes are peanut butter mixed with powdered sugar . They are shaped into small balls and frozen . Then the chocolate is melted in a double boiler and the peanut butter balls are dunked in almost to the top . They are dried on waxed paper or Saran wrap .

I took Katie to the vet for her annual checkup and vaccinations , and she got a clean bill of health . Well , as much as a nearly 14 year old dog can have , that is . She has lost 4 pounds since her last checkup , but the vet says that is normal for dogs as they age to lose weight , just like people do . It 's also normal for them to start losing bladder control . So Katie 's leaking when she naps is just part of the aging process . The vet said that if it gets to be frequent , they have medication that helps . Since it just once in a while for now , we are going to wait on that . Katie is terrified of thunderstorms , and the older she gets , the worse she gets . I asked the vet about tranquilizers , and she said I could give Katie benadryl . It 's what she gives her own dogs , and it puts them right to sleep . I said that I didn 't even know you could give a dog benadryl , and the vet said " Oh yes . It 's what we use to treat dogs with allergies . It works just as well as a tranquilizer , and is a lot safer and has fewer side effects . " So , next storm , benadryl it is . Maybe it 'll keep her from climbing me . So that was Katie 's annual checkup . She is doing great for a dog her age . Hopefully , we 'll have her for a few more years . A couple of weeks ago , Steve posted his all time favorite love song , and asked two questions , What is yours and what does it remind you of . It took a lot of thinking , because there are so many good songs out there , but I finally settled on this one : Everything I do , by Bryan Adams . It beat out some tough competition , including Faithfully , Shameless , and even a bit of Bob Seger . But it has got to be my all time favorite love song . What does it remind me of ? The movie for one . Robin Hood , Prince of Thieves . Now , one doesn 't normally think of that movie is particularly romantic one , but to me it is . I think it is much more romantic than silly movies like oh , say 50 First Dates , or The Wedding Date . Here is Robin , doing what is necessary to protect his country , his freedom , and the woman he loves , even if it costs him his life . Now THAT is truly romantic . There are three supervisors where I work . They all cover different departments within the plant . I have worked for all of them at one time or another . They are all very different . Carlo is very laid back . Nothing ever seems to faze him . He never raises his voice , never seems flustered . Carlo 's claim to fame - - at least in my eyes - - is that he always smells good . Always . I don 't know what he wears , but it smells soo good . I used to follow around , just so I could sniff him . Then there is Calvin . He is just the opposite of Carlo . Calvin is the worrywart . He walks around very fast , with his head down , talking to himself . At times , I would swear you can almost see him shaking from nervousness . Finally , we have Ronnie . Ronnie is the prankster of the group . He is always clowning about something . Back a few years ago , the plant was setting up a new testing system , and I was running it . Since it was new , Ronnie had asked me to call him every time a unit failed the test . Well , I was testing a unit , and it failed . I looked up into the supervisor 's office and saw Ronnie sitting there at his desk . I walked back to the phone to call him . " Can you hold that unit for a while ? I 'm all the way over [ on the other side of the plant ] . " Ronnie told me . I agreed to do that , and when I turned around to hang up the phone , Ronnie was standing right behind me ! That 's the kind of thing you can expect from him . While it may not always be pleasant at work , I must say , it is always interesting . It 's harder for me to blog here lately . See , I used to write most of my blog posts at work . I ran a machine , and all I had to do was set it up and watch it run . I 'd have sometimes as much as 20 to 30 minutes between setups . That was plenty of time to jot down my rough drafts in my little notebook . Now , I 'm back to brazing , which is a much more active job . No more standing there looking . No more idle time to write blog posts . Basically , what that means is that , though I have about a dozen posts rolling around in my head , they don 't get written down . Therefore , they don 't get posted . I 'm not really sure why I can 't just type them directly to the blog , but it doesn 't work that way . When I sit down at my computer to enter my ideas , they just don 't come . That 's why blogging has been lacking lately . I 'll try to do better . Gulf Coast Hurricane Season NotesHurricane season is starting again . Any day now , you 're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points : ( 1 ) There is no need to panic . ( 2 ) We could all be killed . Yes , hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast . If you 're new to the area , you 're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we 'll get hit by " the big one . Based on our experiences , we recommend that you follow this simple three - step hurricane preparedness plan : STEP 1 . Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days . STEP 2 . Put these supplies into your car . STEP 3 . Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween . Unfortunately , statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan . Most people will foolishly stay here in the Gulf Coast area . We 'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items : HOMEOWNERS ' INSURANCE : If you own a home , you must have hurricane insurance . Fortunately , this insurance is cheap and easy to get , as long as your home meets two basic requirements : ( 1 ) It is reasonably well - built , and ( 2 ) It is located in Nebraska . Unfortunately , if your home is located in any area that might actually be hit by a hurricane , most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance , because then they might be required to pay YOU money , and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place . So you 'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company , which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house . At any moment , this company can drop you like used dental floss . Since Hurricane George , I have had an estimated 27 different home - insurance companies . This week , I 'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company , under a policy which states that , in addition to my premium , Bob and Big Stan are entitled , on demand , to my kidnPosted by Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson both died today . And they were both so young . Ms . Fawcett died of cancer . She was 62 . Michael Jackson died of a heart attack . He was 50 . I was never a big fan of either of them , but they were icons of my childhood . I remember watching the original Charlie 's Angels vividly . One of my 6th grade classmates told me that Farah Fawcett ( she was Farah Fawcett - Majors back then - - still married to Lee ) never combed her hair . She just got up in the mornings and shook her head and every hair fell right into place . I didn 't believe my classmate even then . I knew she had to comb her hair out when she washed it . The Michael Jackson I prefer to remember was the young one . Before he became the creepy pedophile . He once was very handsome , before he began surgically altering his appearance . And at one time , he made some pretty good music . But then he started to get weird . To me , that 's kinda when he stopped being Michael Jackson . You could almost say that he died then , in a way . But today , he died for real . So sad , really . I think I 'll go to bed and get this day over . I need to spend less time on Facebook , and more time knitting . And cleaning house . And sleeping . Squeaky says , " Here I am . Adore me ! " seems to be a bit overwhelming right now . I 've really got the blahs . I think it 's the heat . It 's been in the upper 90 's all week , and they 're predicting triple digit temps for the weekend . My A / C has been running almost constantly , and I don 't let the dogs out but for a few minutes at a time . I don 't even feel that much like knitting . I ripped my shawl back to the most recent lifeline because the stitch counts just weren 't coming out right . I 've corrected whatever error I had made , because I 'm now back to where I was and everything is working fine . Anyone remember Project 365 ? I 'd started it back in January . I 'm still taking photos for it . I 've missed a couple of days , some because I just forgot to take a photo . Anyway , I 'd been posting them on my other blog , and have gotten way behind . I 'm going to try to get caught up . I got a few photos posted today , and will try to get some more uploaded here in the next few days . Now , just so this post isn 't totally worthless , here is one of my favorite photos of all time : I took this a year or so ago at the Memphis Zoo . I don 't know who that guy is taking the picture with his phone . He just happened to be there . I think what I like best about this shot is that it happened totally by chance , and turned out so well . The lighting , the balance , the composition - - it 's all just right , and with no editing whatsoever . I didn 't even crop it . This song came out about the time my father passed away . I 'm posting it today in his memory . Vince Gill More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos I know that some of you might know a bit about my past , but for those of you who don 't know , Cody was born in Italy , while I was in the Navy . The last time I saw his father was the day before he was born . I met him while we were both stationed there . Just before we were married , he got transferred back Stateside . I 'd wanted to postpone the wedding until we could be together for good , but I let him talk me out of it . He told me it was just a temporary transfer , that he 'd be back in 8 - 12 weeks . We went ahead and got married as planned , and after a brief honeymoon , I went back to Italy . Time passed , and I began asking him when he would be back , and he 's always have an excuse . A few more weeks , he kept telling me . Finally , July came , and he still wasn 't back . It had been more than 6 months by then . I asked one more time when he was supposed to be coming back , and he began yelling at me , telling me he wasn 't coming back , that it had been a permanent transfer and that I had known that . So that 's why I was pregnant , in Italy , and alone . A week before Cody was born , he flew over to where I was stationed . I thought he was coming to be there when his son was born , but really he came to tell me he wanted a divorce . He 'd just gotten married too young , he said . He didn 't like married life , he said . He wasn 't ready for the responsibility of being a father . He didn 't think he could afford to support us , so he was leaving us on our own . " But don 't feel bad , you didn 't do anything wrong , " he said . That Tuesday , the day before he left , I went into labor . I asked him if he would stay one more day , and he refused , lying to me again . He 'd said that the plane tickets he bought were non refundable , which they weren 't . I know . I bought them for him . I knew he was lying , but I didn 't argue . The next morning , he left , and Cody was born that night . Cody has never met his father . When he left , he made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with either of us . He even agreed to have his parental rights terminated . In fact , for the first yePosted by One Saturday , the church that many of my friends attended was having a picnic for the college and career group . Naturally , I was also invited to attend . The picnic was going to be at a park by a lake . When we got there , we found that in addition to food , they had also set up several games - - croquet , horseshoes , badminton and the like . We were walking around playing different games , and Tina and Edna decided they wanted to play badminton . There was just one problem . Whoever had set the net up had tied it between two trees so that it ran parallel to the lake shore . They said it was the only place to tie it . So while they were playing , every time they hit the birdie , one of them was hitting it straight toward the lake . Add to that the fact that it was a rather blustery day , and well , you can get the idea . After more than one trip wading into the lake to retrieve the shuttlecock , Tina and Edna moved their game to an open area a bit farther from the lake . They were batting the birdie back and forth , but it just wasn 't the same . Edna said , " We need a net . " " I 'll be your net ! " cried Bill , and he ran out and stood between them with his arms outstretched . Myself , Greg , and a few more people immediately joined him , and we stood in a line with our arms on each others ' shoulders . Being the net . OK , that works . Edna and Tina resumed playing . Those of us who were being the net - - standing there in a line , our hands on each others ' shoulders - - well , the temptation was simply too great to resist . We began dancing . Edna and Tina never batted an eye . Never missed a beat . They continued their game as serious as could be , as if it were the most natural thing in the world to be playing badminton over a line of people You know that they are getting older , yet you manage to deny it to yourself . You know they won 't be around forever , but somehow you manage to pretend that that day will never come when they won 't be there with you . They are our pets . Katie is 13 years old . She 's always been in good health . It 's easy to deny that she is getting old . But here lately , more and more signs of age have been creeping in - - and not just the white around her muzzle . I call her , and she doesn 't hear me . She walks out in front of a truck because she doesn 't see it . She has stopped chasing cars - - the one vice I could never break her of . She 's more content now to just lay around sleeping , though she will still go for my walks with me . I just have to leash her on the road now , because she can 't hear or see the cars coming . Today when I got home from work , she got confused as to which direction the door opened . She was behind the door , with her nose pressed against the crack between the door and the frame , waiting for me to open it so she could go out . She didn 't know the door was already open . She didn 't see me come in until I touched her . My time with her is getting short . I know it , but I don 't want to know it . Soon - - sooner than I would have wished - - I will have to make a decision about her . It may be this year . It may be next year . But it will come , and I 'm dreading it already . Hang in there , old girl . I 'm not ready to let you go . Not just yet . 2 . Mystery Shawl : I 'm 10 rows into clue 3 . The rows are getting so long now , it 's hard to find time to sit down and do them . 3 . Zokni sock : I was feeling a bit of knitter 's ennui , so I picked up the sock and knit a pattern repeat . Still have a long way to go , though because I 've got feet like banana boats . Now , we know there is no such thing as reincarnation , but this link will give you what your past life would have been if there were such a thing . Here is mine : Your past life diagnosis : I don 't know how you feel about it , but you were female in your last earthly incarnation . You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Yukon around the year 1725 . Your profession was that of a leader , major or captain . Your brief psychological profile in your past life : Timid , constrained , quiet person . You had creative talents , which waited until this life to be liberated . Sometimes your environment considered you strange . The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation : It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different . Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life . Do you remember now ? That sounds a lot like my current life ! Of course , the flaw in that system is that everyone who was born on the same date will have the exact same " past life " analysis . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Greg Ellis has signed with the Oakland Raiders , where he will move back to defensive end . I 'm happy for him . That 's what he wanted all along . He was never really comfortable playing linebacker . We will get to see him again . The Cowboys play the Raiders twice this year - - their first preseason game , then a regular season game on Thanksgiving . ' ' ' ' I signed up for Twitter . I 'm FMFBecky over there . I still don 't quite get it . Is anyone really interested that I 'm eating cheerios ? I really signed up to follow Derek Eagleton 's Mini - Camp updates . Yeah . Really , I did . I 'd seen these bags , and liked them , but hadn 't gotten one . When I saw them Friday , there were only two left . Since they were only $ 3 , I went ahead and bought one . Good thing . The blankie was getting a bit too big for the cardboard box I 'd had it stuffed in . Audio Book Review : Emma , by Jane Austen , read by Sibella Denton . Emma is one of Jane Austen 's classics , but I had never been able to read the book . However , by listening to it , I was finally able to finish this story . All librivox readers are volunteers , and not professional actors . Mrs . Denton is one of the better readers , though she sometimes reads a bit too fast for my Southern ear , especially on the longer chapters . She starts off with a good pace , but speeds up as the chapter goes on . She also does voices for each of the characters , and her rendition of the chatterbox Miss Bates is tops . There is sometimes a bit of background noise , but this recording is over all a good one . The recording is available either by chapter or by a zip file of the entire book . It was the weirdest thing . I was in Wal - Mart doing my weekly grocery shopping , when the electricity went out . I had already finished my shopping , and was on my way to the front of the store anyway . I found a register that appeared to be working , since the checker was checking someone out . I got in line , and she told me that she wouldn 't be able to check me out . So I went down to another register and checked out with no problem . As soon as I got done , the power came back on . As I left the store , I could see the storm front moving in from the north - - exactly the direction I had to go . I drove home , hoping I would beat the storm , fearing I wouldn 't make it . I was about 2 miles out when the wind hit . It like to have blown me off the road , and I 'm not just saying that . I was on the shoulder when I regained control of the car . I haven 't seen wind like that since the last hurricane that came through here . It was picking up dirt from the cotton fields and blowing it into the next county . The trees were nearly bent double . I turned onto my road , struggling to maintain control of my vehicle . There was a tree down across the road . Well , part of a tree . It looked like the top half had just snapped off . I had just enough room to get around it . Limbs , branches , even people 's garbage cans were just blowing everywhere . When I got to the house , my garbage can was in the across the street neighbor 's front yard . I hurried inside with my groceries , only to find the electricity was out . It didn 't last long . Fifteen or so minutes later and the worst of it was over . But the electricity was still out , and it stayed out until about 1 : 30 AM . No matter , my MP3 player was fully charged , and I had the rest of Emma to listen to , plus some podcasts I needed to catch up on . They would hold me . I sat by the window and knit and listened to stuff until it was too dark to see . At one point , I looked out the back window and saw this bank of clouds . It moved across the sky , looking for all the world like it was rolling the clouds up and taking them with Posted by Cody is off again in the morning , this time to spend a week at his grandma 's . He 's not going to get to stay as long as he did last year , but at least he 's getting to go . For a while , there it didn 't look like he 'd be able to go at all , but things have worked out that he can . It reminded me , though , of a time back when Cody was little . We were going to Grandma 's for Thanksgiving . Cody was really too young to have any concept of time and distance . It is roughly an 8 hour drive from here to there - - or it was back then , because we made more stops , Cody being so little and all . Early that morning , we got into our car and headed out on the road to go to Grandma 's . After about 2 hours , we stopped at a rest stop to stretch our legs and so Cody could run off some energy . " I thought we were going to Grandma 's , " he said . " We are , " I replied . " I just needed to stretch my legs a bit . " After a few minutes , we got back into the car and drove a couple more hours , then we stopped to eat . " But when are we going to Grandma 's , " Cody asked . " We are going to Grandma 's , right now . " I said . So we ate , got back into our car , and drove a couple more hours . Final stop of the day - - Lafayette , LA , to get gas . I filled up the gas tank , used the * ahem * facilities , and we got back into the car . As I was buckling Cody back into his car seat , he leaned over , put his hand on my arm , and said with all the seriousness a three year old can muster , " Now , let 's go to Grandma 's . " . Slowly it 's growing . It 's almost 1 / 4th done now . It is 12 squares wide and I want to make it 24 squares long . It 's going to take a long time to finish . I think with my first overtime check ( which I should get next week ) , I 'm going to buy a couple more of Robyn 's starter kits . If I can catch them in stock , that is . They sell out almost as soon as she makes them up . There you can see the center panel ( on the left ) and one section of the pattern . Everyone else is on clue 4 . There is one more to go , then the KAL will be done . I knew I wouldn 't be able to keep up , even before we started working overtime , so I 'm not really worried about it . I just print out the clues as they come , and knit them when I can . I tell you , though , some of them women knit like Superwoman or something . The clues are posted on Saturdays and by Sunday night , they are finished knitting them . One last thing . I don 't normally post political stuff on my blog . Sometimes I think I should start . I 'm sure I 'd get more traffic that way . ( My abyssmal 10 hits per day is almost not worth blogging for . ) But then , I 'd have to deal with the raving lunatics who would no doubt troll the place , and I just don 't have the disposition for that . Still and all , this one was just too good not to blog about . You are going to be thin , whether you want to or not ! You are going to exercise , whether you want to or not ! THE ONE has decreed it . Now , don 't get me wrong . I think everyone should try to be as healthy as they can . But it is not the government 's place to order us to do so . It is the individual 's responsibility , and no one else 's business . Besides that , I cannot endeavor to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution that gives the government the authority to dictate what I can and cannot eat and how much I am required to exercise . Ok , this is really weird , seeing David Carradine on Mental just a few short days after his death . I 'm totally blank on what to blog about today * , so here 's a photo for you : This is Sunset , my amelanistic corn snake chowing down . Oh , and by the way , in order to divert any undue panic , let me just tell you right now : the Cowboys are NOT bringing back Pacman Jones . Really , I wish I knew who keeps starting these kinds of rumors . I 'd like to put him into a small room with a rattlesnake . Or maybe DeMarcus Ware . Nah , he 'd be safer with the snake . * Ok , this statement isn 't entirely true , but the posts I have in my head are long , and I don 't want to type them out right now . I 'm just feeling lazy like that today . Posted by For your music Monday this week , I thought we 'd do something a little different . Unfortunately , these songs didn 't have an embed code , so please follow the links : Welcome To The JungleI don 't know the name of this song , but I like itI hope you 've enjoyed this break from our regular Music Monday . We 'll be back to normal next week . I don 't ever remember a president with a 0 approval rating , yet there it is in black and white - - or red and green . And after less than 6 months in office , at that . Let 's see , in less than 6 months in office he has tripled our national debt ( quadrupled it , if you count the interest ) , more than doubled the unemployment rate , seized control of private companies , insulted our friends , betrayed our allies , bowed to our enemies , kissed up to those who would destroy us , tucked tail and run from obvious acts of aggression , nominated a supreme court justice who has already declared that she will judge not by what the law states , but by who she feels the most sorry for , and basically spent the entire time he 's been in office apologizing for our very existence , all without producing the ever elusive long form birth certificate . What 's not to approve of ? I haven 't posted one of these in a while , so here ya go . Cody says to me the other day , " I 'm the only guy I know who can do his own laundry . " " Good , " I reply . " That just puts you one step ahead of everybody else . You 'll be the only guy in college who won 't be walking around in pink underwear . " I suppose we 'd better work on folding next . Cody 's version of folding clothes . Posted by Overtime ! I 'm getting to work some overtime finally . I have to be in at 6 in the morning , so this 'll be brief . I did want to mention that the Cowboys have released 11 year veteran Greg Ellis . I 'm sorry to see him go . I know he 's been asking to be released . I know the team is trying to get younger . Still , I liked Greg . He was a leader on and off the field . Last year , then rookie Orlando Scandrick said that Greg was his " on the field dad " . He was like that for a lot of the players . I think they will miss him just for that . I know I 'll miss him . Good luck , Greg , wherever life takes you . Cody 'd known about the band trip to Disneyworld for the entire school year . I 'd told him to be saving his allowance . I 'd remind him regularly how expensive things were at Disneyworld . I also planned on giving him a little more money besides what he 'd saved , and he has a credit card in his name - - for emergencies only . The night before he left , I was giving him some advice . . . " Use your cash for meals and such , and only use the credit card for souviners . " " I have no cash , " was Cody 's response . It was then that I discovered he only had about $ 5 in change to take with him . After behaving in a way I ought to be ashamed of , I made him withdraw some money from his savings account . Money he thought he was saving for a car . It will be his responsibility to replace it . Friday came , and I got him off on the trip with no further hitches . That evening I decided I was going to clean his room . Now , his room was an ungodly mess , and I knew it would take several days to finish . The next day , Saturday , I bent over to pick something up from the floor and slipped a disc . But y ' all know about that . Sunday evening , I was piddling around on the computer when my phone rang . It was one of Cody 's band directors on the other end . After introducing himself to me , he said , " We have a situation here with Cody , that we need your help with " and my first thought was , ' Oh no , he got stung [ by a bee - - to which he is deathly allergic ] and he doesn 't have his Epi - pen with him ' . Then Mr . P said , " Well , another girl in the band came up to me and told me " and I thought ' Oh no , he 's behaved inappropriately with a little girl ' . Mr . P continued " that a man came up to her and asked if she was from Grenada . She 'd had her school ID on her and he 'd seen it . He asked her if she knew Cody Anglea , and she said she did . He said , ' I 'm his real dad and I 'm supposed to be meeting him here . ' " The girl - - bless her - - immediately went and found Mr . P and told him about it . Then he called me and told me about it . He begged me to tell him that I knew about it and had just forgoPosted by Knitting time has been scarce this week , but I have gotten some done . I blame the new laptop . Speaking of , the new laptop keyboard is driving me nuts ! It 's smaller than what I 'm used to , so I keep hitting the wrong keys . My typing was never that great anyway , so it 's a pain in the booty . I 'll get used to it eventually . Other than that , I 'm totally loving the new laptop . So much so that I 've hardly knit anything since I got it . Anyway , here is the WIP update for this week . 1 . Mystery KAL : Still working on clue 2 , even though clue three has been released . I knew probably wouldn 't be able to keep up , so I 'm not really worried about it . Besides that , the shawl got sacrificed to blankie love . I thought I 'd try something different this week . Squeaky was laying on the back of the love seat staring out the window , so I decided to take the photo from outside . What with the screen , and the reflection in the glass , I kinda like the effect . Squeaky does too . Now , I have a favor to ask of you all . My buddy Lou 's daughter is having a birthday tomorrow - - or today as most of you are reading this - - Thursday . Well , Jesse has a really nice blog , but she hardly ever gets comments on it . I know I 'm guilty of not leaving comments myself . I have a hard time thinking of stuff to say on the blogs I do comment on . I know that 's no excuse , but , it 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Anyway , for her birthday , Lou has asked that we flood her blog with comments . So whether you are a long time reader , or you got here through a Google search , pop on over to Skybag and leave her a comment or wish her happy birthday . We 'd really appreciate it . I 'd intended to do this last month . You see , last month was the 20th anniversary of my joining the Navy . I was going to do a series of posts about that event , posting each one on the anniversary of the day it happened . But between Cody thinking he could go off on a 6 day trip to Disneyworld with $ 1 and some change in his pocket , the slipped disc and subsequent steroids , and a frantic phone call from Cody 's band directors asking , " is Cody supposed to be meeting his real dad here and please tell me this is something you knew about " ( I had no idea ) , well , it just didn 't happen . I 'm still going to do it , it 'll just be a little late . But first , I 'm going to go knit a bit . Yes , it is that time again , and I 'm wondering where the year has gone . It is June already . Training camp starts next month , then pre - season , and finally football season starts again ! Ok , we start his month 's meme with my bedroom calendar , which features my adorable nephew Joshua . Next up , my kitchen calendar , which features this not so adorable moose . Then we have my living room calendar , which features someone I wouldn 't necessarily call adorable - - Keith Zinger , formerly of LSU , now with the Atlanta Falcons . Finally , my office calendar with the totally adorable Bradie James . But don 't tell him I said that . Linebackers don 't like to be called adorable . No matter how adorable they are . .

I took Katie to the vet for her annual checkup and vaccinations , and she got a clean bill of health . Well , as much as a nearly 14 year old dog can have , that is . She has lost 4 pounds since her last checkup , but the vet says that is normal for dogs as they age to lose weight , just like people do . It 's also normal for them to start losing bladder control . So Katie 's leaking when she naps is just part of the aging process . The vet said that if it gets to be frequent , they have medication that helps . Since it just once in a while for now , we are going to wait on that . Katie is terrified of thunderstorms , and the older she gets , the worse she gets . I asked the vet about tranquilizers , and she said I could give Katie benadryl . It 's what she gives her own dogs , and it puts them right to sleep . I said that I didn 't even know you could give a dog benadryl , and the vet said " Oh yes . It 's what we use to treat dogs with allergies . It works just as well as a tranquilizer , and is a lot safer and has fewer side effects . " So , next storm , benadryl it is . Maybe it 'll keep her from climbing me . So that was Katie 's annual checkup . She is doing great for a dog her age . Hopefully , we 'll have her for a few more years . A couple of weeks ago , Steve posted his all time favorite love song , and asked two questions , What is yours and what does it remind you of . It took a lot of thinking , because there are so many good songs out there , but I finally settled on this one : Everything I do , by Bryan Adams . It beat out some tough competition , including Faithfully , Shameless , and even a bit of Bob Seger . But it has got to be my all time favorite love song . What does it remind me of ? The movie for one . Robin Hood , Prince of Thieves . Now , one doesn 't normally think of that movie is particularly romantic one , but to me it is . I think it is much more romantic than silly movies like oh , say 50 First Dates , or The Wedding Date . Here is Robin , doing what is necessary to protect his country , his freedom , and the woman he loves , even if it costs him his life . Now THAT is truly romantic . There are three supervisors where I work . They all cover different departments within the plant . I have worked for all of them at one time or another . They are all very different . Carlo is very laid back . Nothing ever seems to faze him . He never raises his voice , never seems flustered . Carlo 's claim to fame - - at least in my eyes - - is that he always smells good . Always . I don 't know what he wears , but it smells soo good . I used to follow around , just so I could sniff him . Then there is Calvin . He is just the opposite of Carlo . Calvin is the worrywart . He walks around very fast , with his head down , talking to himself . At times , I would swear you can almost see him shaking from nervousness . Finally , we have Ronnie . Ronnie is the prankster of the group . He is always clowning about something . Back a few years ago , the plant was setting up a new testing system , and I was running it . Since it was new , Ronnie had asked me to call him every time a unit failed the test . Well , I was testing a unit , and it failed . I looked up into the supervisor 's office and saw Ronnie sitting there at his desk . I walked back to the phone to call him . " Can you hold that unit for a while ? I 'm all the way over [ on the other side of the plant ] . " Ronnie told me . I agreed to do that , and when I turned around to hang up the phone , Ronnie was standing right behind me ! That 's the kind of thing you can expect from him . While it may not always be pleasant at work , I must say , it is always interesting . It 's harder for me to blog here lately . See , I used to write most of my blog posts at work . I ran a machine , and all I had to do was set it up and watch it run . I 'd have sometimes as much as 20 to 30 minutes between setups . That was plenty of time to jot down my rough drafts in my little notebook . Now , I 'm back to brazing , which is a much more active job . No more standing there looking . No more idle time to write blog posts . Basically , what that means is that , though I have about a dozen posts rolling around in my head , they don 't get written down . Therefore , they don 't get posted . I 'm not really sure why I can 't just type them directly to the blog , but it doesn 't work that way . When I sit down at my computer to enter my ideas , they just don 't come . That 's why blogging has been lacking lately . I 'll try to do better . Gulf Coast Hurricane Season NotesHurricane season is starting again . Any day now , you 're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points : ( 1 ) There is no need to panic . ( 2 ) We could all be killed . Yes , hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast . If you 're new to the area , you 're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we 'll get hit by " the big one . Based on our experiences , we recommend that you follow this simple three - step hurricane preparedness plan : STEP 1 . Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days . STEP 2 . Put these supplies into your car . STEP 3 . Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween . Unfortunately , statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan . Most people will foolishly stay here in the Gulf Coast area . We 'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items : HOMEOWNERS ' INSURANCE : If you own a home , you must have hurricane insurance . Fortunately , this insurance is cheap and easy to get , as long as your home meets two basic requirements : ( 1 ) It is reasonably well - built , and ( 2 ) It is located in Nebraska . Unfortunately , if your home is located in any area that might actually be hit by a hurricane , most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance , because then they might be required to pay YOU money , and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place . So you 'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company , which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house . At any moment , this company can drop you like used dental floss . Since Hurricane George , I have had an estimated 27 different home - insurance companies . This week , I 'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company , under a policy which states that , in addition to my premium , Bob and Big Stan are entitled , on demand , to my kidnPosted by Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson both died today . And they were both so young . Ms . Fawcett died of cancer . She was 62 . Michael Jackson died of a heart attack . He was 50 . I was never a big fan of either of them , but they were icons of my childhood . I remember watching the original Charlie 's Angels vividly . One of my 6th grade classmates told me that Farah Fawcett ( she was Farah Fawcett - Majors back then - - still married to Lee ) never combed her hair . She just got up in the mornings and shook her head and every hair fell right into place . I didn 't believe my classmate even then . I knew she had to comb her hair out when she washed it . The Michael Jackson I prefer to remember was the young one . Before he became the creepy pedophile . He once was very handsome , before he began surgically altering his appearance . And at one time , he made some pretty good music . But then he started to get weird . To me , that 's kinda when he stopped being Michael Jackson . You could almost say that he died then , in a way . But today , he died for real . So sad , really . I think I 'll go to bed and get this day over . I need to spend less time on Facebook , and more time knitting . And cleaning house . And sleeping . Squeaky says , " Here I am . Adore me ! " seems to be a bit overwhelming right now . I 've really got the blahs . I think it 's the heat . It 's been in the upper 90 's all week , and they 're predicting triple digit temps for the weekend . My A / C has been running almost constantly , and I don 't let the dogs out but for a few minutes at a time . I don 't even feel that much like knitting . I ripped my shawl back to the most recent lifeline because the stitch counts just weren 't coming out right . I 've corrected whatever error I had made , because I 'm now back to where I was and everything is working fine . Anyone remember Project 365 ? I 'd started it back in January . I 'm still taking photos for it . I 've missed a couple of days , some because I just forgot to take a photo . Anyway , I 'd been posting them on my other blog , and have gotten way behind . I 'm going to try to get caught up . I got a few photos posted today , and will try to get some more uploaded here in the next few days . Now , just so this post isn 't totally worthless , here is one of my favorite photos of all time : I took this a year or so ago at the Memphis Zoo . I don 't know who that guy is taking the picture with his phone . He just happened to be there . I think what I like best about this shot is that it happened totally by chance , and turned out so well . The lighting , the balance , the composition - - it 's all just right , and with no editing whatsoever . I didn 't even crop it . This song came out about the time my father passed away . I 'm posting it today in his memory . Vince Gill More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos I know that some of you might know a bit about my past , but for those of you who don 't know , Cody was born in Italy , while I was in the Navy . The last time I saw his father was the day before he was born . I met him while we were both stationed there . Just before we were married , he got transferred back Stateside . I 'd wanted to postpone the wedding until we could be together for good , but I let him talk me out of it . He told me it was just a temporary transfer , that he 'd be back in 8 - 12 weeks . We went ahead and got married as planned , and after a brief honeymoon , I went back to Italy . Time passed , and I began asking him when he would be back , and he 's always have an excuse . A few more weeks , he kept telling me . Finally , July came , and he still wasn 't back . It had been more than 6 months by then . I asked one more time when he was supposed to be coming back , and he began yelling at me , telling me he wasn 't coming back , that it had been a permanent transfer and that I had known that . So that 's why I was pregnant , in Italy , and alone . A week before Cody was born , he flew over to where I was stationed . I thought he was coming to be there when his son was born , but really he came to tell me he wanted a divorce . He 'd just gotten married too young , he said . He didn 't like married life , he said . He wasn 't ready for the responsibility of being a father . He didn 't think he could afford to support us , so he was leaving us on our own . " But don 't feel bad , you didn 't do anything wrong , " he said . That Tuesday , the day before he left , I went into labor . I asked him if he would stay one more day , and he refused , lying to me again . He 'd said that the plane tickets he bought were non refundable , which they weren 't . I know . I bought them for him . I knew he was lying , but I didn 't argue . The next morning , he left , and Cody was born that night . Cody has never met his father . When he left , he made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with either of us . He even agreed to have his parental rights terminated . In fact , for the first yePosted by One Saturday , the church that many of my friends attended was having a picnic for the college and career group . Naturally , I was also invited to attend . The picnic was going to be at a park by a lake . When we got there , we found that in addition to food , they had also set up several games - - croquet , horseshoes , badminton and the like . We were walking around playing different games , and Tina and Edna decided they wanted to play badminton . There was just one problem . Whoever had set the net up had tied it between two trees so that it ran parallel to the lake shore . They said it was the only place to tie it . So while they were playing , every time they hit the birdie , one of them was hitting it straight toward the lake . Add to that the fact that it was a rather blustery day , and well , you can get the idea . After more than one trip wading into the lake to retrieve the shuttlecock , Tina and Edna moved their game to an open area a bit farther from the lake . They were batting the birdie back and forth , but it just wasn 't the same . Edna said , " We need a net . " " I 'll be your net ! " cried Bill , and he ran out and stood between them with his arms outstretched . Myself , Greg , and a few more people immediately joined him , and we stood in a line with our arms on each others ' shoulders . Being the net . OK , that works . Edna and Tina resumed playing . Those of us who were being the net - - standing there in a line , our hands on each others ' shoulders - - well , the temptation was simply too great to resist . We began dancing . Edna and Tina never batted an eye . Never missed a beat . They continued their game as serious as could be , as if it were the most natural thing in the world to be playing badminton over a line of people You know that they are getting older , yet you manage to deny it to yourself . You know they won 't be around forever , but somehow you manage to pretend that that day will never come when they won 't be there with you . They are our pets . Katie is 13 years old . She 's always been in good health . It 's easy to deny that she is getting old . But here lately , more and more signs of age have been creeping in - - and not just the white around her muzzle . I call her , and she doesn 't hear me . She walks out in front of a truck because she doesn 't see it . She has stopped chasing cars - - the one vice I could never break her of . She 's more content now to just lay around sleeping , though she will still go for my walks with me . I just have to leash her on the road now , because she can 't hear or see the cars coming . Today when I got home from work , she got confused as to which direction the door opened . She was behind the door , with her nose pressed against the crack between the door and the frame , waiting for me to open it so she could go out . She didn 't know the door was already open . She didn 't see me come in until I touched her . My time with her is getting short . I know it , but I don 't want to know it . Soon - - sooner than I would have wished - - I will have to make a decision about her . It may be this year . It may be next year . But it will come , and I 'm dreading it already . Hang in there , old girl . I 'm not ready to let you go . Not just yet . 2 . Mystery Shawl : I 'm 10 rows into clue 3 . The rows are getting so long now , it 's hard to find time to sit down and do them . 3 . Zokni sock : I was feeling a bit of knitter 's ennui , so I picked up the sock and knit a pattern repeat . Still have a long way to go , though because I 've got feet like banana boats . Now , we know there is no such thing as reincarnation , but this link will give you what your past life would have been if there were such a thing . Here is mine : Your past life diagnosis : I don 't know how you feel about it , but you were female in your last earthly incarnation . You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Yukon around the year 1725 . Your profession was that of a leader , major or captain . Your brief psychological profile in your past life : Timid , constrained , quiet person . You had creative talents , which waited until this life to be liberated . Sometimes your environment considered you strange . The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation : It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different . Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life . Do you remember now ? That sounds a lot like my current life ! Of course , the flaw in that system is that everyone who was born on the same date will have the exact same " past life " analysis . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Greg Ellis has signed with the Oakland Raiders , where he will move back to defensive end . I 'm happy for him . That 's what he wanted all along . He was never really comfortable playing linebacker . We will get to see him again . The Cowboys play the Raiders twice this year - - their first preseason game , then a regular season game on Thanksgiving . ' ' ' ' I signed up for Twitter . I 'm FMFBecky over there . I still don 't quite get it . Is anyone really interested that I 'm eating cheerios ? I really signed up to follow Derek Eagleton 's Mini - Camp updates . Yeah . Really , I did . I 'd seen these bags , and liked them , but hadn 't gotten one . When I saw them Friday , there were only two left . Since they were only $ 3 , I went ahead and bought one . Good thing . The blankie was getting a bit too big for the cardboard box I 'd had it stuffed in . Audio Book Review : Emma , by Jane Austen , read by Sibella Denton . Emma is one of Jane Austen 's classics , but I had never been able to read the book . However , by listening to it , I was finally able to finish this story . All librivox readers are volunteers , and not professional actors . Mrs . Denton is one of the better readers , though she sometimes reads a bit too fast for my Southern ear , especially on the longer chapters . She starts off with a good pace , but speeds up as the chapter goes on . She also does voices for each of the characters , and her rendition of the chatterbox Miss Bates is tops . There is sometimes a bit of background noise , but this recording is over all a good one . The recording is available either by chapter or by a zip file of the entire book . It was the weirdest thing . I was in Wal - Mart doing my weekly grocery shopping , when the electricity went out . I had already finished my shopping , and was on my way to the front of the store anyway . I found a register that appeared to be working , since the checker was checking someone out . I got in line , and she told me that she wouldn 't be able to check me out . So I went down to another register and checked out with no problem . As soon as I got done , the power came back on . As I left the store , I could see the storm front moving in from the north - - exactly the direction I had to go . I drove home , hoping I would beat the storm , fearing I wouldn 't make it . I was about 2 miles out when the wind hit . It like to have blown me off the road , and I 'm not just saying that . I was on the shoulder when I regained control of the car . I haven 't seen wind like that since the last hurricane that came through here . It was picking up dirt from the cotton fields and blowing it into the next county . The trees were nearly bent double . I turned onto my road , struggling to maintain control of my vehicle . There was a tree down across the road . Well , part of a tree . It looked like the top half had just snapped off . I had just enough room to get around it . Limbs , branches , even people 's garbage cans were just blowing everywhere . When I got to the house , my garbage can was in the across the street neighbor 's front yard . I hurried inside with my groceries , only to find the electricity was out . It didn 't last long . Fifteen or so minutes later and the worst of it was over . But the electricity was still out , and it stayed out until about 1 : 30 AM . No matter , my MP3 player was fully charged , and I had the rest of Emma to listen to , plus some podcasts I needed to catch up on . They would hold me . I sat by the window and knit and listened to stuff until it was too dark to see . At one point , I looked out the back window and saw this bank of clouds . It moved across the sky , looking for all the world like it was rolling the clouds up and taking them with Posted by Cody is off again in the morning , this time to spend a week at his grandma 's . He 's not going to get to stay as long as he did last year , but at least he 's getting to go . For a while , there it didn 't look like he 'd be able to go at all , but things have worked out that he can . It reminded me , though , of a time back when Cody was little . We were going to Grandma 's for Thanksgiving . Cody was really too young to have any concept of time and distance . It is roughly an 8 hour drive from here to there - - or it was back then , because we made more stops , Cody being so little and all . Early that morning , we got into our car and headed out on the road to go to Grandma 's . After about 2 hours , we stopped at a rest stop to stretch our legs and so Cody could run off some energy . " I thought we were going to Grandma 's , " he said . " We are , " I replied . " I just needed to stretch my legs a bit . " After a few minutes , we got back into the car and drove a couple more hours , then we stopped to eat . " But when are we going to Grandma 's , " Cody asked . " We are going to Grandma 's , right now . " I said . So we ate , got back into our car , and drove a couple more hours . Final stop of the day - - Lafayette , LA , to get gas . I filled up the gas tank , used the * ahem * facilities , and we got back into the car . As I was buckling Cody back into his car seat , he leaned over , put his hand on my arm , and said with all the seriousness a three year old can muster , " Now , let 's go to Grandma 's . " . Slowly it 's growing . It 's almost 1 / 4th done now . It is 12 squares wide and I want to make it 24 squares long . It 's going to take a long time to finish . I think with my first overtime check ( which I should get next week ) , I 'm going to buy a couple more of Robyn 's starter kits . If I can catch them in stock , that is . They sell out almost as soon as she makes them up . There you can see the center panel ( on the left ) and one section of the pattern . Everyone else is on clue 4 . There is one more to go , then the KAL will be done . I knew I wouldn 't be able to keep up , even before we started working overtime , so I 'm not really worried about it . I just print out the clues as they come , and knit them when I can . I tell you , though , some of them women knit like Superwoman or something . The clues are posted on Saturdays and by Sunday night , they are finished knitting them . One last thing . I don 't normally post political stuff on my blog . Sometimes I think I should start . I 'm sure I 'd get more traffic that way . ( My abyssmal 10 hits per day is almost not worth blogging for . ) But then , I 'd have to deal with the raving lunatics who would no doubt troll the place , and I just don 't have the disposition for that . Still and all , this one was just too good not to blog about . You are going to be thin , whether you want to or not ! You are going to exercise , whether you want to or not ! THE ONE has decreed it . Now , don 't get me wrong . I think everyone should try to be as healthy as they can . But it is not the government 's place to order us to do so . It is the individual 's responsibility , and no one else 's business . Besides that , I cannot endeavor to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution that gives the government the authority to dictate what I can and cannot eat and how much I am required to exercise . Ok , this is really weird , seeing David Carradine on Mental just a few short days after his death . I 'm totally blank on what to blog about today * , so here 's a photo for you : This is Sunset , my amelanistic corn snake chowing down . Oh , and by the way , in order to divert any undue panic , let me just tell you right now : the Cowboys are NOT bringing back Pacman Jones . Really , I wish I knew who keeps starting these kinds of rumors . I 'd like to put him into a small room with a rattlesnake . Or maybe DeMarcus Ware . Nah , he 'd be safer with the snake . * Ok , this statement isn 't entirely true , but the posts I have in my head are long , and I don 't want to type them out right now . I 'm just feeling lazy like that today . Posted by For your music Monday this week , I thought we 'd do something a little different . Unfortunately , these songs didn 't have an embed code , so please follow the links : Welcome To The JungleI don 't know the name of this song , but I like itI hope you 've enjoyed this break from our regular Music Monday . We 'll be back to normal next week . I don 't ever remember a president with a 0 approval rating , yet there it is in black and white - - or red and green . And after less than 6 months in office , at that . Let 's see , in less than 6 months in office he has tripled our national debt ( quadrupled it , if you count the interest ) , more than doubled the unemployment rate , seized control of private companies , insulted our friends , betrayed our allies , bowed to our enemies , kissed up to those who would destroy us , tucked tail and run from obvious acts of aggression , nominated a supreme court justice who has already declared that she will judge not by what the law states , but by who she feels the most sorry for , and basically spent the entire time he 's been in office apologizing for our very existence , all without producing the ever elusive long form birth certificate . What 's not to approve of ? I haven 't posted one of these in a while , so here ya go . Cody says to me the other day , " I 'm the only guy I know who can do his own laundry . " " Good , " I reply . " That just puts you one step ahead of everybody else . You 'll be the only guy in college who won 't be walking around in pink underwear . " I suppose we 'd better work on folding next . Cody 's version of folding clothes . Posted by Overtime ! I 'm getting to work some overtime finally . I have to be in at 6 in the morning , so this 'll be brief . I did want to mention that the Cowboys have released 11 year veteran Greg Ellis . I 'm sorry to see him go . I know he 's been asking to be released . I know the team is trying to get younger . Still , I liked Greg . He was a leader on and off the field . Last year , then rookie Orlando Scandrick said that Greg was his " on the field dad " . He was like that for a lot of the players . I think they will miss him just for that . I know I 'll miss him . Good luck , Greg , wherever life takes you . Cody 'd known about the band trip to Disneyworld for the entire school year . I 'd told him to be saving his allowance . I 'd remind him regularly how expensive things were at Disneyworld . I also planned on giving him a little more money besides what he 'd saved , and he has a credit card in his name - - for emergencies only . The night before he left , I was giving him some advice . . . " Use your cash for meals and such , and only use the credit card for souviners . " " I have no cash , " was Cody 's response . It was then that I discovered he only had about $ 5 in change to take with him . After behaving in a way I ought to be ashamed of , I made him withdraw some money from his savings account . Money he thought he was saving for a car . It will be his responsibility to replace it . Friday came , and I got him off on the trip with no further hitches . That evening I decided I was going to clean his room . Now , his room was an ungodly mess , and I knew it would take several days to finish . The next day , Saturday , I bent over to pick something up from the floor and slipped a disc . But y ' all know about that . Sunday evening , I was piddling around on the computer when my phone rang . It was one of Cody 's band directors on the other end . After introducing himself to me , he said , " We have a situation here with Cody , that we need your help with " and my first thought was , ' Oh no , he got stung [ by a bee - - to which he is deathly allergic ] and he doesn 't have his Epi - pen with him ' . Then Mr . P said , " Well , another girl in the band came up to me and told me " and I thought ' Oh no , he 's behaved inappropriately with a little girl ' . Mr . P continued " that a man came up to her and asked if she was from Grenada . She 'd had her school ID on her and he 'd seen it . He asked her if she knew Cody Anglea , and she said she did . He said , ' I 'm his real dad and I 'm supposed to be meeting him here . ' " The girl - - bless her - - immediately went and found Mr . P and told him about it . Then he called me and told me about it . He begged me to tell him that I knew about it and had just forgoPosted by Knitting time has been scarce this week , but I have gotten some done . I blame the new laptop . Speaking of , the new laptop keyboard is driving me nuts ! It 's smaller than what I 'm used to , so I keep hitting the wrong keys . My typing was never that great anyway , so it 's a pain in the booty . I 'll get used to it eventually . Other than that , I 'm totally loving the new laptop . So much so that I 've hardly knit anything since I got it . Anyway , here is the WIP update for this week . 1 . Mystery KAL : Still working on clue 2 , even though clue three has been released . I knew probably wouldn 't be able to keep up , so I 'm not really worried about it . Besides that , the shawl got sacrificed to blankie love . I thought I 'd try something different this week . Squeaky was laying on the back of the love seat staring out the window , so I decided to take the photo from outside . What with the screen , and the reflection in the glass , I kinda like the effect . Squeaky does too . Now , I have a favor to ask of you all . My buddy Lou 's daughter is having a birthday tomorrow - - or today as most of you are reading this - - Thursday . Well , Jesse has a really nice blog , but she hardly ever gets comments on it . I know I 'm guilty of not leaving comments myself . I have a hard time thinking of stuff to say on the blogs I do comment on . I know that 's no excuse , but , it 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Anyway , for her birthday , Lou has asked that we flood her blog with comments . So whether you are a long time reader , or you got here through a Google search , pop on over to Skybag and leave her a comment or wish her happy birthday . We 'd really appreciate it . I 'd intended to do this last month . You see , last month was the 20th anniversary of my joining the Navy . I was going to do a series of posts about that event , posting each one on the anniversary of the day it happened . But between Cody thinking he could go off on a 6 day trip to Disneyworld with $ 1 and some change in his pocket , the slipped disc and subsequent steroids , and a frantic phone call from Cody 's band directors asking , " is Cody supposed to be meeting his real dad here and please tell me this is something you knew about " ( I had no idea ) , well , it just didn 't happen . I 'm still going to do it , it 'll just be a little late . But first , I 'm going to go knit a bit . Yes , it is that time again , and I 'm wondering where the year has gone . It is June already . Training camp starts next month , then pre - season , and finally football season starts again ! Ok , we start his month 's meme with my bedroom calendar , which features my adorable nephew Joshua . Next up , my kitchen calendar , which features this not so adorable moose . Then we have my living room calendar , which features someone I wouldn 't necessarily call adorable - - Keith Zinger , formerly of LSU , now with the Atlanta Falcons . Finally , my office calendar with the totally adorable Bradie James . But don 't tell him I said that . Linebackers don 't like to be called adorable . No matter how adorable they are . .

In a little less than 9 hours I will be with friends ringing in the New Year . This is if I survive the " Drinko " game that someone is bringing . The past few New Year 's celebrations have been mild . I guess I can contribute that to getting older and a little more sensible . I can also say a big part of it is when we have to drive home on New Years Eve , we tend to take it a little easier . In the past we used to head up to Door County for New Years Eve / Day and seeing that there was no driving involved we would not worry to much about the drinking part . We had stayed in a Condo a few years in a row and walking from the " Party Room " to our condo usually was without incident unless of course we count the time that A took everyone on the lakefront tour back to the condo . Or the time my brothers though giving their sister a 1 am face wash in the snow covered parking lot would be funny . Most of my funny New Years involve my husband . A few years ago we stayed home New Years Eve for a party at the bar but headed up to Green Bay the next morning . A was in rough shape and sat in the passenger seat moaning most of the way . We are no longer welcome in the Manitowoc Hardees due to him overflowing their toilet . Then there 's the New Years from Hell when we were in Door County on the Eve and headed to Green Bay the next morning . To kill time we stopped at a Winery for some tasting and a little purchase of wine ( 5 . 99 ) . We left only to find that we we 're leaving . One dead truck . One very expensive weekend . The guys got the truck running the next morning only to find out the freeways were closed due to a massive snow storm and we weren 't going anywhere . All totaled my $ 5 . 99 bottle of wine cost us over $ 600 . 00 . We must also include my loss of Holiday pay for being stranded . How about the New Years in Reedsburg where J cleared the gift shop of any unwanted riff - raff ( and us ) and Randy made some new friends that could win the " wierd couple of the year award " . The totally drunken Packer Game at the bowling alley next door to the hotel , folloPosted by Last night K & J and A & I were able to take our parents out to dinner . We were able to pre - arrange the bill to be given to us and pay it , rather than them . There was the usual bickering over the fact that they should pay but in the end the kids won the battle . This should be a noted date on my calendar as we usually loose . I don 't think Pop 's was on the ball last night . He will usually fake a bathroom trip and seek out the waitress . We then went back to our house for a few hours of Poker . Connie took all our money ! A gave her one tough battle but she held on . I am done playing Hold em with my husband . I have discovered that if he has " the Hand " that will beat me , he has this shifty eye thing going on . Ken has the quiver lip and A has the shifty eye . Pocket Aces mean squat to me when playing with him . Mom & Dad caught their flight home at 730 this morning . It was nice to have them home and once again sad to see them go . As I walked around my house last night looking at all the preparations made for the holiday , I got a little sad as it 's all over to quick . Sure , there 's New Years Eve left but that 's been low key for us for a few years . I 'm not ready to pack it all up yet , so little by little I 'll work on it . Every year after Christmas I get this doom and gloom feeling that we are now entering the loonnngg winter . I 'll be going to Arizona in April but that 's still 4 months away . Camping is 5 - 6 months away . I have come to the conclusion that I need a hobby . So for the next several weeks I will be looking into several options . Who knows , by next year for Christmas everyone could receive a special gift crafted by me . Why is it that when you have a short week at work it seems to take longer than working a normal work week ? I 'm working 5am - 1pm this week and it 's just dragging . We 're all trying to make the best of it as it 's pretty clear that it is the calm before the storm . Our new line is set to start up around the 3rd week in January . We had a little meeting the other day where the entire year was mapped out . It always looks good on paper . The problem is we are about 12 people short . By June or so they want to be on 3 shifts . Being one of the lowest in seniority I see myself once again going to an off shift . Hopefully the training of the new employees will go smoothly enough to be back to first shift within a few months . While my wonderful boss was explaining all this to me I could only let my mind wander back to my former employeer and how I asked for so many years to get off 3rd shift . It took quitting to get to first . I 've become very comfortable where I am now and don 't mind working an off shift once in awhile . I like the people I work with . At my former place there weren 't to many people I liked . It was very political there . " Each for his own " would describe it perfectly . At some point today I may venture out to Kohls to return someting . I 've been told the stores are not bad . Right now I 'm waiting for the receipt which boarder brother has . Something tells me that it may be lost and gone forever which sucks . I 'm holding out for the weekend for the grocery store . I just need to get some things for New Years . I sent A for the shrimp today so hopefully that won 't be gone by NYE . Speaking of fishy . . . . I work right down the street from Empire Fish . These people need to resturcture their parking lot enterance situation . Trying to get across Watertown Plank Road when these fools are all flocking the store for the " King Crab legs or Catfish " is crazy . I don 't think they 're open on Saturday so by 1pm tomorrow they 'll probably have the Wauwatosa Police Dept . out there directing traffic . I may take my video camera along tomorrow to gPosted by Today is my last day off of work for the Holiday Season . 61 / 2 days flew by way to quick for me . We 're only working 8 hours the rest of the week so it shouldn 't be to bad . After work it 's back to the doctor for the toe check . Look 's fine to me but I guess they need to get another $ 20 . 00 co - pay out of me . Isn 't today " Boxing Day " . I spent my day cleaning up a lot of stuff . I always like the day after Christmas as it prompts some good cleaning to get the new stuff in . This prompts a box to start for Goodwill or a hope chest for boarder brother . Since he lost just about every household item he had in the storage locker heist I started a pile for him . I got new dishes for Christmas , he got my old ones . I got new coffee cups , he got the old ones . I feel a little bad as there was quite a bit taken . I may start to stock up on some t . p . , paper towels and things like that for him . Everything I buy may bring him one step closer to moving . A lottery windfall could be just the right answer now . So , in all honesty I want to know what is the funkiest gift you received ? And what is the best gift you received . Beside the fact that my family was all here , which was the best gift . . . . . I received a beautiful " A " ornament from J which she has hidden on my tree . Eventually I will find it . I think she may have been upset that I was going to wear it on my shirt like Laverne . Tonight is off to celebrate the birthday of A 's neice who was born the day after Christmas . His sister managed to keep her pregnancy a secret right up until she went into labor and didn 't make it to the hospital . She turns 13 today . Seems like yesterday when I got a phone call at 6am the day after Christmas from the sister - in - law who delivered her . Never a dull moment I tell you . The day was good . We started out with our kids and grandkids and a huge pile of gifts , some happy kids and nothing that has to go back . My son had put a guitar on his list and although I thought he was joking I did buy him one . There was a confused look on his face when he opened it , however when I gave him the receipt he didn 't take it , saying he was going to watch the instructional tape that came with it and check it out . Maybe by next year him and A can have some little keyboard , guitar concert . We had gotten Dylan a hover craft that is supposed to work in the snow . I bought it when we had the blizzard thinking that it 'd be fun on Christmas Day to take it outside , but being the dork I am I forgot to charge the battery . My dad played Santa and did a good job of fooling the little ones . There were doubts from the 8 and over kids . I think he may have had J fooled for a second or two . There was way to much food and about 100 desserts . I 'm pretty sure the rumbling stomachs came from the Polish Sausage and baked beans . It was really good to have my parents here , but hard to keep mom out of the kitchen so she could visit with her family . Thanks to J my dishes were done , and you 'll all be happy to know that she did eat first . I 'm just so glad that all went well and everyone left full and happy . I need to mention that I did not get the Magic Bullet . . . . . . I got the Rocket . Not the bullet from the sex party . . . the one from television that makes the smoothies and sauces . Boarder brother was eyeing it up thinking that he 's going to create all kinds of smoothies and shakes when I 'm not home . Hope everyone had a joyous Christmas . I 'm just so happy that I do not need to hit a store for returns or exchanges . The Eve of Christmas was good . After a full day of preparing food for tomorrow we went to A 's sister 's house for their family Christmas . It was a nice time . She makes some kick butt cookies which I received a plate of and will be serving tomorrow . I don 't think I 'll be able to pass them off as mine . Stopped at the bar for a cocktail which is a first for us . There was quite a crowd there . We had to leave as A had polish sausage belly . I 'm thinking he didn 't want to pull a fast one and leave his deposit in the bar restroom . So I 'm off to bed so I can awaken early and start all over again . Tomorrow will be a full day . Merry Christmas to everyone ! stb please don 't forget to leave Pumpkin well stocked on food . Just in case . We 'll be checking on you tomorrow . 48 hours from now my house will be filled to the brim with my family . There will be two people missing , both nieces . Otherwise it would have been kind of fun to get a full group photo . The problem is I think we would have had to stand outside in the driveway to get everyone in . There will be the usual loud screeching of the kids when opening their gifts , ( some adults also ) . My parents may have to step upstairs and it 's been a few years since they have witnessed the craziness involved in the gift opening . Of course we 'll have to keep the wrapping paper garbage for a few days for those lost gift cards and small peices of something or other . The preparation of some of the food has started . I somehow have to keep the nibbling of the Polish Sausage by A and brother under control . Tomorrow night my husbands family is having a little get together . We really haven 't had anything with them all together for a few years now . It was getting kind of rough on me to have one family one day and one the next . No one in his family seems to want to have Christmas . It 's hard for his Mom to do it alone and things haven 't been to well over at their house , so it 'll be nice to see everyone at his sisters house this year . I am finally starting to see the light . Gifts are all wrapped , food is bought , basement is cleaned and waiting . I was listening to some dumb lady on the radio yesterday who said that it 's not necessary to clean your house for Christmas guest . They are interested in the food and gifts and company only , not what your home looks like . I wonder how they 'd feel about peeing in some gross toilet or trying to find an uncluttered spot to sit in your living room or having to dig through a pile of dirty dishes to find a plate to eat on . Hmmm . What was she thinking ? Not that you need to call in the Merry Maids or something but one could at least put forth some effort to make sure the dirty underwear are not laying on the bathroom floor or the garbage is not overflowing . Tonight is out with friends . Should be a good time . I 'm glad IPosted by The past few weeks I 've noticed that my big toe seemed to be a little tender and hurt upon touch . In looking at it I couldn 't see anything . There was no discoloration or marks of anything . At first I just thought it was from my steel - toed shoes . I looked on MD online and it didn 't look anything like the ingrown toenail pictures they show in the pictures . But I thought I 'd get it checked out . So I went to Dr . Louie Lapow my favorite doctor . Had to prepare myself mentally for this as I hate feet and I hate people touching my feet , but he 's a good doctor and has some humor . I went yesterday . Dr . Louie confirmed that it was indeed an ingrown and prepared to " fix " it . The worst part was the numbing of the toe . I had to sit there for a few minutes to allow the shot to take effect and found it humerous that almost all his patients are 80 and over , coming in just to get their toenails cut . Apparently Medicare covers a once a month visit for that . I must keep that in mind for the future . As the numbing was taking place the nurse was setting out several instruments . I still was not to nervouse . How much could this hurt ? They kept my foot covered up while performing this simple procedure and I could feel a little pressure . Everything was going well until Dr . Louie held up this chunk of ugly nail and said " That was a nice sized chunk stuck in there " . Blahhhh . I almost lost my orange I had for breakfast . He then wrapped this toe up and wrapped what looked like 50 feet of guaze on it . He was explaining that I 'd need to soak it twice a day which brought me to laughter . He wanted an explaination on the laughter . I had to tell him that a few years back K & J 's daughter had a boyfriend that was not quite right . He was soaking his feet for some reason and they discovered after he had done it a few times that he was using their dishpan . It 's been a little standing joke for a few years . K will cringe when we mention it . So Dr . Louie had completed his procedure and asked me if I was going right home . I told him I had to run to Target aPosted by I took 1 / 2 day of vacation time today and the full day tomorrow . I needed to have a little time to gear up for the arrival of Mom . The parents are flying in tomorrow and will spend Christmas with us for the first time since 1993 . Ever since I can remember Christmas was a big thing in our family . The only bad memory I have is being around 8 years old and getting the Barbie Doll Dream House I hoped for . I had it all set up in our downstairs rec room and was playing away when my dream was shattered . My two brothers were fighting and flipped over the couch right smack dab on top of it . It was trashed . I don 't think any 8 year old child could have cried any harder . My dad then made me a wooden one . It wasn 't the same , but it lasted forever . Most of my friends know that thanks to J I was presented with a replacement Dream House a few years back . I have since forgiven my brothers for this tragic day . Other than that it 's only good that I remember . No family fights , no coming at a different time then someone else because you can 't stand them , and only one Uncle who usually passed out on my parents bed . Back to Mom . She is a loving caring person , if you are on her good side . She can be a bit sarcastic and overbearing . As my dad puts it " There is only Mom 's way " . My mom will not be able to sit down and enjoy Christmas as she should . She will be checking to see if I cooked the Polish Sausage right , and if the ham is being overcooked . She will start washing the dishes before we 're done eating and want to put everything away . In my heart I know she means well and she wants to be needed . In my mind , she did her duty and should now let someone else take over . Believe me , within the next few years there will be Polish Sausage cooking training going on as I 'm not cooking this stuff forever . She will also ask me for the one thing that I don 't have . Last time she was here she asked if I had any orange marmalade . If I were to go to the store tomorrow and get some just in case , and I would let her know I had it she would say " What tPosted by I left work at 3 : oo today but didn 't get home until 4 : 45 . I had one gift to purchase and one other stop to make . I hope A appreciates that fact that I was stupid enough to stop at Best Buy . There is no good time to go there . Their parking lot sucks ! But he want 's a new video camera and some film editing software . I could find no one to help me and I could not locate the software which he swears they have . He will receive a gift card . I walked out of there at 415 and made my way to Walgreens for some cookie trays which he claims he saw there the other day . I hate that I am stupid enough to go look for things in stores that people claim they saw . I did locate 2 plate like trays of which the rim of the plates were cracked . I put them down , and was nice enough to tell the woman that picked them up after me that they were cracked . She didn 't seem to care . I guess I 'll splurge and take a trip to the nice dollar store tomorrow . One of my co - workers and I were sitting in my boss 's office today going through some work instructions when this guy who works for us walked by with a very girlie like Southwestern shirt on . I happened to comment to my co - worker on the shirt and got a raised eyebrow from boss man . A few minutes later another guy from a visiting company walked through and I commented that he looked like Pogo from the comic strip . So out of R 's mouth comes the comment that he never is critical of others . ( stop laughing now Jo ) . His blah , blah , comments went on for a few minutes . I had to leave for fear my feet would sink into the shit that he was trying so hard to sell to us . I am done with work until the 27th as of 11am tomorrow morning . I am going to miss the luncheon they are getting for us on Thursday . I just need some time to chill a little before the hustle of my parents coming and Christmas comes . I need to dig out my house . I need to get to the grocery store before the mad rush of last minute shoppers arrive . On Saturday I plan to get just about everything done so Saturday night I can relax with my friends aPosted by I seem to have aquired a shadow . It 's smaller than me but follows me everywhere around my house a few times a week . She 's eight years old . My brother 's daughter . For the first couple hours it 's okay as we 're usually talking about her week and school stuff . Then it starts to get annoying . I will go from one room to another and am constantly asked what I 'm doing . It 's become almost a game as I 'll be folding laundry and she 'll ask and I make up something totally off the wall . I think she 's just bored . Last night I was a little short on patience and I told her a few times to go find her dad . He can 't be far , our house isn 't that big . I found him in the living room sleeping . In my ever patient voice I explained to him that this is not my child . Although I like to spend time with her , he needs to do something with her and not just the older one . I already had them for 4 hours yesterday at my sisters baking cookies . A and my brother went to a Bucks game last night which I had declined as I wanted to get some things done . J and I were planning on going out and meeting up with them later . Never made it . By 9 pm I got so sick of my shadow that I opted to go to bed , thinking I 'd catch up on some things I taped and watch a movie that was borrowed to me months ago . Not so true . I probably was out by 930 . I guess that 's the reason that I was up at 530 this morning . I was at Walmart by 745 . Excellent time to shop at Walmart by the way . I got home around 9 only to have a repeat of yesterday . My shadow was awake and ready for more Auntie A tracking . The best part of the morning was when she asked me what I was going to do when her dad moved out . Trying not to laugh or jump for joy I simply said , " Well I guess I 'll miss you " . I told her I 'd have to come and stay overnight at their new house so I wouldn 't miss her so much . Going back to the mind of an eight year old I 'm thinking that when the time comes I may have to make up some excuse . As much as she gets on my nerves I 've always been a little partial to her as she does have somePosted by My parents are coming home for Christmas this year . They left for Arizona in January of 1993 and have been home for other occassions but not for Christmas . We 've tried to get them to come but my mom has always said it 's to cold . She must have broke down this year and finally said yes to Dad . This is a good feeling as they send the most presents and now they can witness the gift opening . The sad part about it is when I asked my Dad what made them change their minds this year he said " Well we probably don 't have to many Christmas 's left , so while we 're still somewhat healthy and coherent we thought we 'd come . " I received a card from my mom & dad yesterday and inside she wrote " Looking forward to a nice family Christmas " . She underlined Nice . I tried to think back as to whether we 'd ever had a " not nice " family Christmas . Couldn 't think of one . As much as we may bicker about each other or have a little squabble , nothings lasted or ruined a Holiday or Birthday . We don 't have any of this one person won 't come if the other one 's there thing going on . I 'm glad for that . I know people who haven 't talked to one of their siblings in years and just can 't remember why because it 's been so long . When my renter brother was married we weren 't all that fond of his wife but we tolerated her for the kids and him . I think my lips still hurt from forcing a smile . They did fight on every Holiday . Maybe that 's why he finally let the divorce thing go through . He finally saw what a Holiday was without her . So , at Mom 's request we 'll have a nice family Christmas . I think she may be a little shocked or overwhelmed at the gift opening . There is no structure in that . We just let them go wild . We suffer for it later hunting through all the wrapping paper for the little parts and gift cards . I need to get moving today . I see stb is ahead of me . I have the tree up and the lights on it . Today may be the day to decorate it . So I always though this time of the year was supposed to be cheerful . It 's around the time of the year that you 're supposed to look at those around you and give thanks for what you have , so on and so forth . Not that you shouldn 't do that all year round but Christmas is supposed to bring out the best in people . Not so true . I have encountered way to many crabby people today . I may not always be the most cheerful person but I do try not to take my problems out on other people . I leave the home crap at home and leave the work crap at work . I bitch about my 25 minute ride home sometimes but if I didn 't have that time to unwind poor A would take a lot more from me than he does . We had some crab ass people at work today . Then I went for gas on the way home and some crab ass guy was bitching at some woman next to him pumping gas . Then I go to the bank and some dumb broad is bitching at the teller . Went to Sentry for some " on Sale " ham only to be told that I needed to spend $ 25 . 00 to get the sale price . Doesn 't say that in the ad . So the teller get 's all snippy with me and calls the manager , only to find out that she was looking at the wrong ham in the ad . I shocked myself at staying calm through - out the whole thing . It was no skin off my bones . I would have put the stupid ham back and went to another store . I thought I was clear of crabbiness after that , but I did listen to A on the way home bitching about stupid people at his work . I tried to pay attention as he usually doesn 't talk about work , but man he did not shut up from 76th and Rawson to 23rd and Grange . So , I 'm done with all these crab ass people . It 's just not worth it to wallow in your crap and think that everyone else should join your parade . ( not that I didn 't just sound like one in this post ) Nope , she didn 't go to McDonalds . She ( J ) got the best news from her doctor today ! . There will be no more cutting and the tissue samples showed " squat " . I knew this had been a stressful couple of weeks , but didn 't catch the brunt of it until this afternoon when she broke the news to me . I have never been so happy to hear someone 's voice sound so happy . I have to admit the tears started to flow . So God heard us all . What better gift could one ask for . I shall not forget to thank Him either . It 's been a very busy weekend . A lot has been accomplished in this house . First off , our basement which somehow always manages to be a dumping ground has been cleaned . I have a small area in the basement behind the washer & dryer where I have a cabinet to store all the extra kitchen things that are not in every day use . If you count that and the laundry area of which I am allowed about a 10X8 area that 's not much space in the basement . The rest of the entire basement has been taken over by my husband . Yesterday he went down to start the cleaning for Christmas project . For the past week or so he 's had crap spread all over the basement having to do with outdoor decorating . I went downstairs and found him sitting by the bar just staring at the piles of stuff laying around . I 'm all about cleaning as you go and putting things away when I 'm done using them . We couldn 't be more opposite in that way . I kind of looked at him for a few seconds and could just see the lines of stress on his face . He commented that he was just overwhelmed . I guess just sitting in that stool staring isn 't going to make it all go away was my comment back . Some time later I hear some moving around and numerous trips outside to the garbage . I figured this was no where for me to be involved . He was on a roll and I wasn 't stopping him . I went back down a few hours later and thought I was in someone else 's basement . The pool table , which is to big for the area we have , was gone . That 's been talked about for some time now . While he was upstairs I looked in the workshop area and the spare room just to see if everything got piled in there . All the rooms were clean . I complimented him on a nice job . He said there 's just too much junk down here . I can 't get blamed for that as the only thing I bring down is stuff for the freezer and laudry . I had to remind him that he seems to be the collecter of useless items . Some have come in handy , but I 'm a firm believer that if you haven 't used it in a year , get rid of it . Now I 'm just afraid to look in the garage Posted by I came to the conclusion today that I am not Wonder Woman . I 'm just very stubborn and have never wanted to rely on anyone for help . Hence my trip to the attic today . We keep all our Christmas things up there . Today I was ready to set up my Christmas village . So rather than wait for A to come home from work I decided to do it alone . How hard could it be ? So I put the dog in the basement as she has some crazy fetish about the attic . I 'm not sure if she wants to go up there or just plant herself at the bottom of the attic steps . Up I went . Sorted through some bins until I found the correctly labeled ones and started backing down the stairs with the first one . Not bad . Round two . I went back up and started pulling the second one toward me . This one was heavy , but I figured if I leaned it toward me while backing down the steps it 'd be no problem . I got about 4 steps down and felt the weight of bin number two . Crap , it was heavy . So I stood on the steps for a few seconds pondering whether to go back up or come down . I didn 't want to bang it on the steps coming down as it was all glass stuff . This was my most extreme thought . If I drop this crap I 'm going to be really pissed at myself . So I tried to get it back up and figured I 'd wait . It wasn 't budging . I started to picture myself laying at the bottom of the steps with this bin on top of me and A coming home . Beside the fact that it 'd be freezing in the house he may not come into the house toward the attic . He 'd probably figure I wasn 't home and go downstairs . He wouldn 't find me until he had to pee . Then I knew I 'd get bitched at for going it alone . So once again I tried to push it back up . Nope , not going anywhere . So very slowly I took the next few steps down while holding my arms up to support this jumbo bin of breakable Christmas items . I felt the bottom step and was able to master getting this thing to the ground . Once I got over this event I thought " What the heck , I 'll go back up for the rest of the stuff " . My good senses took over and I promptly folded up the Posted by Yesterday J went back to the hospital for another round of surgery . Seems when examining the first tissue they removed they found another type of cancer . The most common , yet least life threatening . The little trooper was a little less troopie yesterday . The doctor did take about twice as much as the first surgery and they also had her on morphine which they didn 't the first time . She was proud of obtaining her second pair of free socks from the hospital , but did remark that it was a lot to go through for a pair of socks . On Monday she should have the results of the tissue they removed and move onward from there . She needs a break . This has all happenend so fast that I don 't think she 's had time to breathe . The other day J posted an email regarding her surgery and mentioned in it that I had wanted to start a pool on how many times she 'd have to go in before they got it all . This had brought some comments by people thinking I was unsympathetic toward the situation . Well , that couldn 't be more from the truth . I 've had enough doom and gloom in my life that it 's just not worth it to sit around dwell on all the bad . There is a bright side out there and if you can find it you should . In a previous post I had an Ode to Dad . He is the one who tried to get us to always find the good . He 's 72 and doesn 't seem to have gotten tired of looking . Believe me , the reality of the bad is still there but it can easily be dealt with by having a good outlook . " It helps in the healing process " . Yesterday while we were sitting in J 's room after the surgery her mom was telling me about past Christmas 's where they ate in shifts . We thought J was sleeping as there was a little snorage going on . All of a sudden she pipes in with " I get to eat first this year cause I have cancer " . We couldn 't do anything but laugh . I can so picture her pushing her way to the front of the line . Pushing some little cousin out of the way . I do know that she would let Grandma in before her though . You all have a great day ! I may not be the most stylish person but I do credit myself with know a major fashion no - no . Take today for instance when I was driving through a major Mall parking lot and couldn 't help but see the slightly plump girl with pink sweat pants on . Along with the pink sweat pants were some ugly big clunky shoes . That 's not the worst part . The floral granny panties that showed through the pink sweat pants . I 'm thinking the panties were about three sizes two big for the girl . I 'm thinking she was around 18 - 20 and should have known better . If that wasn 't enough as I 'm walking through the mall I see a very large woman with white sweatpants showing every bulge in her ass and legs . Once again the underwear could be seen through the garment . Ladies , Ladies , Ladies . . . . it 's not that hard to find a pair of undergarments that do not show through your light colored clothing . I can 't see that these women purposely did this . There is nothing at the mall that is so important that you can 't stop and do a check prior to leaving the house . Although I have been known ( on one occassion only ) to wear two different shoes ( mind you they were the same color and style ) and I do know others that once in awhile will wear a sweater inside out , these things are not done on purpose or out of pure laziness . These girls just did not have friends who cared enough not to let them go out like that . I went to Dylans " Winter Play " today and was a little shocked that there was nothing in the play regarding Christmas . What the mess has happened here ? I 'm sitting there waiting for some cute little Christmas songs . . . nothing . Last year at least they did something on different cultures for Christmas . Nada . I get to frustrated with the politics of this holiday , so I guess I will keep my thoughts to myself as I could be opening a large can of worms . I woke up at 1 a . m . today with the worst possible headache one could have without their head actually exploding . First I was mad as I woke from a pretty sound sleep with this pain . Then I was mad because it hurt so fricken bad and I only had two hours to go before I had to get up for work . My first though was that A was for some reason squeezing my head . Once in awhile he must think I 'm the dog or something because he 'll rub my head in the middle of the night . Ticks me off as he usually gets his fingers all stuck in my hair and then pulls . What can I say , the man has some weird dreams . I took some asprin and tried to go back to sleep . Did the cold rag on the eyes thing and tossed and turned for two hours . At 3 : 15 I finally got up and tried to start my daily ritual of getting ready for work . I mananged to turn the shower on , before I called it quits and made the phone call . I then went back to bed . I managed a chuckle when A woke up and discovered I was still there . The look on his face was priceless . I 've never overslept before so he was a little shocked , then looked okay when I told him I called in . I don 't take sick days very often so in his sympathetic voice he asked me if he should call anyone . I slept for a few more hours and finally got up as this wasn 't getting any better . I pondered taking the pain pills I have left from my surgery and went negative on that one . I went to the front door to get the paper and was immediatly blinded by the sun on the white snow . No paper . I need to call those Journal people . This was worse than any hangover . The problem was , I wasn 't hung over . We went to watch the game yesterday and in a 3 1 / 2 hour span I had 2 Bloody Mary 's , 1 beer and two diet cokes . We went shopping after that and went home and did things around the house . Now I have that dull ache that comes after a headache . My stomach has also been a little jumpy today . I 'm pretty sure the worst is over , or at least I hope so . I have a vacation day tomorrow to go see the grandkids in their Christmas Concerts and a denPosted by After reading my friend stbs blog and his review and a few comments on the Miller Chocolate Beer I went in search of it today . It wasn 't really a long search . I finally got to Pick & Save at 9am this morning . They welcomed me as I entered the store . At least they could have shoveled my parking spot and the lot for that matter . After my really needed items I took a stroll through the liquor department and could not locate the chocolate beer . I asked the woman in the dept . who was busy dusting off bottles and was told they don 't carry it . Later in the afternoon I stopped at the Wilson Park Liquor Store . That 's the one that has the two little old ladies working that have not aged in 30 years . My husband thinks they 're aliens . That store usually has anything you 're looking for , but they didn 't have the Chocolate Beer yet . She could take my name down and call me when it came in . I then stopped at another liquor store and the nice Iranian ( ? ) man said " we no have " . I was starting to feel desperate . I had a few more errands to run and then stopped at a new liquor store and it was found . On a shelf and chilled . The new owner was like my personal shopper . He showed me around the entire store . Nice store , nice guy . Nicely wrapped in a brown paper sack . After dinner tonight I removed a bottle from the fridge and poured it into a glass . I took stb 's advice so as not to be a heathen and drink right from the bottle . I let the foam settle a little , lifted the glass and smelled . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . coffee . I hate coffee . I hate anything with coffee in it and the smell of coffee . You will never find me in a coffee shop even to buy a fruit drink . I didn 't let that stop me though . I took a sip . There was a slight hint of chocolate but more of a bitter taste like coffee . I was trying to be fair and I tried again . Nope . This was going nowhere but down the drain . Now I don 't want anyone to think I have a closed mind as last week I did drink a few Corona 's and enjoyed them . Not that it 's a premium beer or anything . I just like Miller Lite . IPosted by Yep , you read it right . 3 Snowblowers . I have been observing my husband out in the garage trying to get his 3 snowblowers running . So far I have seen him using the small one that 's good for about a 8 inch path . I then saw him using the larger one for about 5 minutes . Now I see him and my boarder brother looking at the 3rd one in the garage . About a month ago I asked if they were running and was told he didn 't know . . . it wasn 't snowing yet . We have friends who fix these things for a living . That is called stubborn . Guess if he can 't fix it himself , then no one can . So I will now sit in my warm home and watch him shovel . To my utter disbelief I also witnessed boarder brother with a shovel this morning . Actually using it to clear the sidewalks . This guy went through all last year without picking up a shovel . I 'm thinking this is supposed to soften my heart a little about booting him out soon . He even removed his wet boots when he came in rather than tromp through my house . The subject of the snowmobile is a sore one . I think some day I 'm just going to drag it to the curb and I 'm sure the Mexican junk man will pick it up in a flash . Then I 'm sure A won 't notice . It 's been with him longer than I have but we have dragged it to 4 different homes in 22 years . Kind of just like he 's dragged me around . Why is the husband for sale you ask ? Because in some way I will get blamed for these things not working . At any time now he will walk in the house with a shit ass look on his face , glare at me , and say " Don 't even fucking say a word " . At that time I will gracefully turn away , leave the room and hide my laughter from him . Well to all of you who took a snow day today have a great day . I was off anyway so to me it 's just a day where I delayed in the running around I have to do . Pick & Save will have to wait for me just a little longer . Could very well be a beer night . I figure by 6 or 7 the roads should be clear !

My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . My sister and I took a 4 - day weekend off from work to get some trail riding in . Just like the one we tried a few weeks previous , we couldn 't cross the river the first 3 days . That meant doing the hill leading to the river with Cruiser and Ranger and working Cole in the arena . Having Ellen watch me and Cole during our rides was very helpful . She gave me all kinds of good advice , and she took video with her smart phone . She was able to show me how I was riding . One of the videos from the first day is on Facebook . With her suggestions , we improved over the weekend . It is amazing how much the way we ride effects the way a horse moves . By adjusting my seat , Cole adjusted the way he moved and improved on his consistency . So though we didn 't get on the trail , at least the time wasn 't wasted . One of the days , my youngest niece came out to ride . She goes with us on the trail . She rides Ranger , Ellen rides Cruiser and I ride Cole . Just going up and down the hill isn 't the most exciting thing to do . Ellen suggested that I ride Cole in the arena , and if he is doing well , my niece can ride him , too . Then we would take Cruiser and Ranger on the hill . Ellen didn 't mind not riding the hill , since we did plenty of it the two days before . Cole was doing very nicely in the arena . His big trot was up to full form , he was responsive and very well behaved . He was in the perfect mood for a novice . After about a half hour , I asked my niece if she wanted to ride him , and she dashed into the barn to get her helmet . I think it had been a couple months since she rode him in the arena last . She climbed aboard and proceeded to walk around the arena . He kept offering to trot - and it was the big trot - not a good trot for a beginner ! He was throwing her off the saddle . She figured out it was because she has short legs that rest on his side - where my long legs go beyond his sides . Her normal pressure was probably cuing the trot . Yes , he is that sensitive . I told her that he will stop if she says , " whoa . " That offered her a new challenge because he stops from a trot very suddenly if you ask him . ( Cole is always an over achiever . ) That 's basically how their ride went . Walk , go into the big trot , sudden stop and walk again . Yet , she kept her composure and stayed in the saddle . When I asked her if she wanted to ride him down to the river , her face lit up ! We headed down the hill . Ellen and I were at her side , but she was still a little nervous . Ranger goes fairly slowly down the hill . Cole is a speedy downhill traveler , and she was concerned he would try to trot . Since he was doing it for her in the arena , and I used to have trouble with him trotting down the hill , it was a reasonable thing to be concerned about . I had her do a lot of transitions down the hill when he got too fast . About halfway down the hill , on a level section , Ellen noticed a red - tailed hawk sitting on a log by the side of the trail . We stopped Cole and Ellen went on ahead to shoo the bird away . We figured if we were close and he flew up , Cole would be startled . As Ellen got closer , the hawk just looked at her . There was something wrong with it . Ellen told us to continue down to the river , and she would call the park . When we got to the bottom of the hill , Cole did try to trot with her a few times . Fortunately , my niece knew just what to do to keep from bouncing off . He walked quietly on the way back up to my sister . She said the park had her call the Lake Erie Nature Center ; which specializes in wildlife rehabilitation . They told us we would have to bring the hawk in to them . They didn 't have anyone that could come and get it . Yeah , right . We were going to catch a hawk . We went back to the barn and called Kevin . We also talked to a woman at the barn who has a big heart for animals - and birds at home . She showed us a large cat carrier that was at the barn . Suddenly , this seemed doable . While we were waiting for Kevin , we took Ranger and Cruiser out for their ride . The hawk was still there . On our last trip up the hill , here comes Kevin . He was all excited and enthusiastic about catching the hawk . He checked out the situation , headed back to the barn and gathered everyone that was going to help . Ellen went with them , but I stayed with my niece to untack and clean up the horses . After a while , they came back with the hawk . Apparently , as Kevin was about to throw a blanket on him while our friend was stroking his beak with a stick to distract him , Kevin slipped and fell on top of the hawk - catching himself before he crushed him . The blanket wrapped around him and they were able to get him in the cat carrier . Kevin was going to take him Nature Center , Ellen was going with him and I was going to take my niece home . ( That is , after a visit to Taco Bell . ) When I dropped her off , I told her mother we had an exciting day , and told my niece to tell her about it . She replied , " I rode Cole down the hill . " There 's a kid after my own heart . She didn 't mention finding and capturing a large bird of prey . What was important to her was riding Cole on the hill . ( It turns out the hawk had a damaged eye , and since their eyesight is so important to hunting and flying , she was weak from lack of food and dehydrated . If she can heal enough to hunt , she will be released . ) It rained again ! When I got out to the barn , it did stop in time for me to ride Cruiser down to the river and back a couple times . I 'm sure it won 't be crossable until Wednesday - and they predict more rain on Wednesday . This has been such an incredibly rainy year . I rode Cole in the arena . In spite of it being his 6th straight day of riding , he still had some energy left . I can tell he needs a break , so I think he will be happy to have today off . Me too . Actually , I am doing something very important this evening . I am signing papers on a house I am buying with my brother that we are going to use as a rental property . It is just a tiny one that is close to where we live . It was a foreclosure , so we got a good deal on it . We hope to have renters by spring . There are things we want to do to it , but they are all aesthetic . The house is quite solid , and it has a 2 car garage . It 's in a good neighborhood with good schools . I hope it works out . It is always scary purchasing something that is more than 3 digits - and this is 5 digits ! Back to horses , since that is what this blog is about . With the shortening of the daylight hours , I am going to start going out to the barn right after work instead of going home to eat , first . That way , I will be able to get a quick trail ride on Cruiser before sunset . Cole will just have to wait for the weekends . He is fun to ride in the arena , so I don 't mind . Posted by My sister and I took a 4 - day weekend off from work to get some trail riding in . Just like the one we tried a few weeks ago , we couldn 't cross the river the first 3 days . That meant doing the hill leading to the river with Cruiser and Ranger and working Cole in the arena . It is great to have eyes on the ground to watch me ride - even better when she can take video . Cole was trotting very curled up and behind the bit , a lot . There was a lot of tail swishing going on , too , which is something that seldom happens . I couldn 't figure out what was going on . My sister 's eyes and the video helped . It showed that I was curled . My shoulders were slumped forward . Who knows what caused this . Maybe he did . It may have been me responding to him - causing him to respond to me . A downward spiral . The next day , I made a conscious effort to uncurl , and guess what - so did he . He moved on the bit with a lighter forehand . I know , because I saw the video . The following day , we did just as well . After about a half hour , I let my niece ride him . She did very well with him , although he kept trotting . She figured out it was because she has short legs that rest on his side - where my long legs go beyond his sides . Her normal pressure was probably cuing the trot . yes , he is that sensitive . Of course , he had to use that big show trot of his , and that threw her around the saddle . She learned how fast he responds to " whoa , " too . Since she rode with such composure on a challenging arena ride , I asked her if she wanted to ride down to the river . Of course she did . She was nervous . She usually rides Ranger , and he goes fairly slowly down the hill . Cole is speedy going downhill , and she was concerned he would try to trot . Since he was doing it in the arena , and I used to have trouble with just that , it was a reasonable thing to be concerned about . I had her do a lot of transitions down the hill when he got too fast . When she got to the bottom , he did try to trot with her a few times . He walked quietly on the way back . She was so happy to have ridden him on the trail - even though it was only about 10 minutes of riding . Yesterday , my sister and I finally made it across the river . We went on our favorite ride to the show ring trails . I then took Cruiser our for 5 miles round trip in the other direction . It was a pretty day , but the mosquitoes were bad . I can 't wait for cooler weather . Due to rain , I rode Cruiser in the arena for the first time since spring , and he did much better than I expected . He is 24 , now , and in the last few years , he hasn 't been very cooperative in the arena . He doesn 't have the spring or enthusiasm . Also , he seems to be having trouble holding his head at the vertical . I am fairly certain that is caused by the tumor on his thyroid . It is getting pretty big . I know that how a horse holds his head isn 't as important as how he moves his body , but I am not sure if we can ride as connected as we used to if he is uncomfortable with the position of his neck . He is continually trying to find a good spot , and it often deteriorates into him trotting with his head straight up in the air like a Saddlebred . Of course , then I fall in the dip in his back , and it is all downhill from there . We started out with a lot of walking to get him warmed up - and we started the direction that he doesn 't want to go in . ( Another fairly recent development . ) once we started to trot , he was all over the place . The surprise - he settled down in a few minutes and lowered his head . I gave him a lot of rein , and he moved fairly well . When he started to putter , I was able to keep him regular with my seat . When we went his better direction , he was even better . Here is what I learned - all the work with Cole had mad me a better rider ! I have to be so very aware of what I am doing with Cole that I was quicker with Cruiser . Also , I am used to Cole 's stronger movement , now . I was able to use that skill to create a stronger movement in Cruiser - and he responded . I then rode Cole . He was a little goofy about the far end of the arena because of all the noises from the rain , but I persisted in doing my 5 laps at a walk each way . His trot was enthusiastic and pretty spectacular , at times . We worked on corners and circles and transitions . He seems to be grasping backing up pretty good . We were doing 4 steps at a time . after the first step , the cues for the rest were very light . I tried cantering , but we didn 't get it . I guess I need to do it more down trail . We had a great weekend for riding . Finally , it is cool and the bugs are leaving us alone . Saturday , my sister and I took Ranger and Cruiser out , first . I followed that up with my best trail ride , ever , with Cole . We went about 5 miles - further than I have ever gone by myself . He was near flawless . The only mistake he made was that big buck on our first canter transition . I could forgive him for that because I think it has been 2 weeks since I cantered on trail . The next 2 trans were fine . We did a lot of trotting , a little cantering and then walked home . Sunday , we took Ranger and Cole out first , and we had our best ride ever with another horse . We did the show ring trails , and his behavior was flawless . The ride consisted of a lot of trotting - and looking at the beautiful goldenrod - filled field . I think they are at the peak , and they are gorgeous . I then took Cruiser out for 5 miles . We met Starry on the way home , so he was very happy . What more can I say ? I love September trail riding . This weekend is going to be another 4 - day weekend . We hope that the weather is better than the last one , and we can get across the river the whole time . if so , we will have so much fun . I am riding Cole all over the place on the trail - walking , trotting and cantering , but I still felt nervous in the arena . Now , it didn 't help that I only rode him in there a couple times a week . It was the same old problem - the far end just got me nervous . That didn 't mean I didn 't go over there - I did , but I didn 't enjoy it . It distracted me . It didn 't help that the pasture of our barn and the neighbor 's barn are by the far end . If their horses were in their pastures - who knows what unexpected things would happen ? It was actually a big part of my problems , initially . Any sudden noise from that direction sent Cole flying ! In August , I started reading a book that mentioned I should set goals . I put the book down , and thought about it . I always ride with goals on the trail . As we meet each goal , I add a new one . It is a very effective way to train , obviously . It keeps us focused and on track . Now why haven 't ' I been doing this in the arena . So , right there , I decided to pick a goal . The first thing that came to my mind was trotting laps . I decided I would trot 5 consecutive laps in each direction . I then caught my breath at the thought of it . I would really be pushing to try that right now . I needed to make my goal achievable . I would walk 5 laps each direction - using the full arena . Isn 't it crazy that I couldn 't do this before ? I have been riding for many years , and I have spent plenty of time in the arena with Cruiser and Mingo . I needed to get over my arena anxieties . The plan was to walk the 5 laps in the first direction . I could stop , but when I started , I had to continue on the path . If I didn 't , I had to start all over again . For a person nervous about riding on the far end , that was quite an incentive to keep going . My first attempt was in the evening . There were horses turned out in both pastures . I wanted to do it at the beginning of the ride to get it over with . I was very nervous the first few laps , and I had to stop Cole and stand for a moment , but a miracle happened . By the 5th lap , I felt pretty good . I turned him around and did our 5 laps the other direction . The feeling I had was tremendous . Not only did I succeed with my goal , but all the fear and uneasiness had vanished . I ended up trotting Cole all around the arena . This marked a change in my arena riding . In just a few rides , I was a totally new person . I left the old one behind . He even spooked a few times on the formerly scary end . That didn 't stop me . I didn 't want to have to redo any of the laps . I stay focused and try to make the corners perfect . Sometimes I get bored and start trotting the laps and working on transitions . I now ride the whole arena whether there are horses out in the pastures or not without hesitation . In a very short time , I have changed my whole attitude about the arena . Other goals I have set are riding round circles , good transitions and inter - gait transitions . I have always had these goals , but now I have quantified them . I need 10 good transitions - and I won 't quite my circles until I get at least one of them round . I have never enjoyed arena riding as much as I have the last month or so . I am still only doing it a couple times a week , so we don 't get that much accomplished , but by the time winter rolls around , I will be ready … I took Cruiser on a quick trail ride before dark , and then it was time to work with Cole in the arena . He was so much more consistent than Monday . We warmed up at a walk , and when he went above the bit , I jiggled the rein until he lowered his head . I clicked the first couple times for it , but after he got the idea , I didn 't click anymore . Once I started trotting , he hardly went above the bit , and when he did , I corrected him easily . We practiced and clicked our trot trans - - I think 6 times and then he turned into " featherlite trans " horse . Our circles were rounder . There was a cone in the arena , and I used that as a guide . It made it much easier . I just tried to stay a predetermined distance from it as we went around . I then started to ask him for " more " trot . I clicked him when I got it and started again . After 4 - 5 times , " more " trot became " big " trot . I clicked him for it a few times right at the beginning , and then it was back - the " super big " trot that we discovered last week . My sister got one brief video of it before he quit doing it for the weekend , and from what I could tell , it looks spectacular . I was clicking him for it for longer and longer durations . Last night , I seemed to have some control over where he was going . He was able to do it on straight - aways and circles . I didn 't do too much of it , because I didn 't want to sour him on it . It is a lot of exertion for both of us . That being said , I think I like it better where I get it when I ask for it , and not all the time . This way , I can work on other things without getting exhausted . By working on the circles at a regular trot , then he does better on the circles with the " big " trot , etc . When I asked for the canter , I got a super - duper big trot . He also tried skipping , and once , he just got his legs all tangled , and we had to stop . No cantering last night . I need to do it more down trail so he learns that canter means canter and not just faster - and no skipping . I wish I had video of that . No one saw it , but my sister saw it a few times . This time seemed even more exaggerated than when she saw it . Clicker training makes horses very creative . We have been doing " back " the last few arena rides , and I think he is understanding it . We tried it early in his career , but it seemed to cause confusion , so I put it aside until now . I have to make a point in doing it every ride . I never knew arena riding could be so much fun . It won 't be such a long winter this year … I 'm sure everyone has wondered where I was - vacation ! Well , it was just a 4 - day weekend . And the river was too high for 3 of the 4 days , so I didn 't do the kind of riding that I wanted too . Still , I wasn 't at work , and that is really what vacation is about for me . I spent a lot of time in the arena with Cole . Here is what is happening is while working on consistency with his trot , I have lost the " big trot . " He would trot big for a while , and when I asked for a turn or corner , he would come above the bit and we would lose it . I was just trying to keep him from popping up , and when he did , to get him to reach down and round up , again . I figured that an ordinary trot was acceptable as long as he wasn 't above the bit . My plan worked . He is much more consistent through bends and corners , but he is not doing that fantastic trot . What I have been working on is more important , and I suppose the trot will come back when he is ready . Maybe when it does , he will have the skill to keep it . The weather was also hot for a horse growing his winter coat , and he was getting a lot of work , so he wasn 't quite bursting with energy by the end of the vacation . I finally cantered him in the arena . We did it on 2 days . It wasn 't easy the first few times , because he wasn 't sure what he was supposed to do . When we did canter , he didn 't get very far - but we did it , that 's what counts . I just rode Cruiser on the hill to the river on the days we couldn 't cross . Sunday , we went on a nice ride with Starry . They are good buddies . Before Cruiser and Ranger entered their senior years , every Saturday and Sunday , we took them on our favorite long ride . It was fast paced and fun . Usually , we would ride about two and a half hours or so . Sometimes , we would go a little further , too . Some years ago , we went down to once a weekend . Then we went down to occasionally and I 'm not sure of the last time we did that whole ride . The trails over there haven 't been well maintained , so we knew that we couldn 't do all the trotting and cantering that we used to do , anyway . That helped us not miss those fun rides quite as much . We still miss them , though … Well , the park is in the midst of repairing the trail . Unfortunately , the old guys are even older , now . We are very careful with them . I don 't think that we will be blasting down the trail with them like we used to . No more fast and far rides for them . We can do fast , and we can do far . We just can 't do both . To get to the good trail , we have 2 more unfamiliar river crossings and a busy intersection with a traffic light . I didn 't want to tackle all it on my own for the first time - - not because I didn 't think we could manage it , but I just wanted to do everything in my power to make the first time a success . We have been planning this for awhile , but we have had issues with the weather and the river . I didn 't want to cross the big river unless I could see the bottom . We could avoid the crossing by going on the bridge , but that wasn 't the point . I wanted to cross the river . Finally the weather cooperated , and we had a clear river on the weekend . We opted to skip one of the river crossings because there was a lot of stones on the bank . The horses just had their feet trimmed a couple days before , and Ranger was very tender . We did cross that river once before , so I didn 't need any help with it . We decided to avoid the stones . This meant crossing a river ford that Cole had never been on before . Ellen rode , but I decided to lead . This way , it would be easier for me to click him a few times during it . Ranger decided it would be better is Cole went first . Thanks , Range . Cole went right across , I clicked for good behavior and we made it to the other side . The busy intersection wasn 't busy , so we crossed over to the other side . Once I got into the trees , I mounted back up . Next stop - the big river . When I say big river , I mean it . It is three times as wide as all our other crossings and a little deeper . There are 2 branches to the Rocky River . This crossing is just beyond where the 2 branches join and turn it into a real river . It is not hard to cross , there is just so much more of it . Ellen and I had mapped out a good route across it a few years ago to keep us away from the uneven , slippery slate bottom . We were glad to see that it hadn 't changed . Ranger went first . As soon as we get into the water , we have to walk down stream , parallel to the land for about a minute . Then we get to a level section . We cross over to an island in the middle and then proceed to the other side . On the other side , we found the path leading up to the trail a little overgrown . I guess it was because we haven 't been riding there like we used to . They did repair the top of it where it had eroded badly , so this time , it was better that Cole went first . He would be clueless about the change . We then did a little trotting but mostly walked on account of Ranger 's tender toes . This area was still stony . We didn 't go far when we decided to turn back . We walked the horses home . It was as uneventful as the way out . The intersection was a little trickier because we had to cross two roads this time and wait with traffic at the light . No big deal for Cole . It all went well . And that is the lesson of the story . The reason everything went so perfect was due to being prepared . Cole was already confident with traffic , so crossing the busy ford and the intersection was easy for him . He was accustomed to all the smaller river crossings . This one was just more river . Taking him with another horse was even greater insurance of success . I would have been more surprised if things didn 't work as planned . It rained that night , so the next day we couldn 't cross any rivers . I didn 't mind . It met my goal , and Cole and I have a long future of rides that are fast and far . I just wish my sister could come with me … and Cruiser … and Ranger … I always consider this weekend to be the beginning of riding season . By now , the horses are in shape , we are in shape , the weather starts to cool , and best of all , I always find myself with a lot of vacation time left over . We have 2 long weekends , besides this long weekend , in September , alone . Tomorrow , my younger neice is coming out to ride . We will take the 3 horses out together . It is the only time we get to take the whole herd out for a trail ride . It 's supposed to be really hot . I 'm sure we will mostly walk with a little light trotting mixed in . Sunday , if the river is on the lower side , we want to venture out beyond the big river crossing with Cole and Ranger . We haven 't done it , yet . I want the river to be low for th first time . This crossing is not only deeper , but about 3 times the width of the other crossings . The trails on the other side were in bad shape , but they are finally starting to repair them . When they are done , they will be better than they have been in years . Yesterday , the farrier was out . Cole was better than last time . I can tell my farrier likes him . Not only has he not said a negative thing about him , ( unusual for any horse ) but he compliments his good behaviour and said he really likes his face . Compliments are few and far between from him . We love our farrier . We have used him for 24 + years . But he isn 't always the most positive guy around . I rode Cole in the indoor on Wednesday , and he improved over the last arena ride in there a week ago . I love that I am riding him on the trail so much that we aren 't getting in the arena often . Of course , it will change in a few months , but the shadow of winter never keeps me from enjoying Fall . I love Fall in Cleveland . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . .

It was a windy autumn Sunday as far as Thomas Philips could remember . His grandparents , the avid churchgoers that they were , had succeeded in convincing his parents to join them since it was the beginning of Thanksgiving break . Never having set foot in a church in his life , Thomas was nervous . Forget nervous � he was downright scared out of his mind . His dad had always told him that church was a last resort , a place someone should only go if his / her life depended on it . Yet here they were , on their way to spend the morning at church with his grandparents . It made no sense . But � whatever . Who was he to second guess the authority of an adult ? He would give that much to his dad . The man was the world � s biggest skeptic , but he � d raised his son to know his place . If you are requested to do something by someone who is older and wiser than you , he would always say , you � d better do it without any fuss , Thomas Anthony Philips . He would then bend low and look deep into Thomas � s eyes . Sometimes Thomas could even feel the seriousness of his stare gripping his soul with an iron fist . � Cause if I find out that you gave them grief , I � ll beat your - - - so hard and so long that you won � t be able to sit for the rest of your life . And that was all it took . Whenever he was asked to do something by anyone , the image of his father � s face would appear , and he would hear those words ring in his mind . Especially now that he was ten . His father was watching him closer than ever because he saw ten as the age when a boy begins to take on the responsibilities of a man . He felt the car begin to turn left . He looked up to see that they were in the parking lot of a giant white building . It wasn � t as tall as it was wide . It looked to be covering the space of about a half a football field . He knew it was the church , and a sign near the entrance to the lot told the name � though he didn � t really pay much attention to it , and he couldn � t help but wonder why as he reflected back on this moment . But a sense of awe overcame him as he inspected its white frame as if it were far more than what he � d expected . He � d expected something smaller and less appealing , something that shooed people away rather than inviting them to come inside and marvel at the wonders that awaited them . Even the steeple � it rose from the center of the gray roof coated in its own layers of glowing white paint and supported a metal cross at its tip � made him want to go in if only to pleasure his eyes with the beauty of the architecture . There was also a courtyard with a brick path that circled a fountain and led straight to the gymnasium . This was some foreign masterpiece that had someAll the early risers had already claimed their usual slots . His father rounded the lot once before he found a vacant one . He squeezed their little VW into the spot and then muttered a curse . He � d seen this display of feeling numerous times . This mumbling , incoherent cussing was his father � s way of letting someone know he wasn � t happy about something . And he knew what had his father riled up . He was only at the church to please Mom and Grandma and Grandpa . They made their way across the lot . Another thing that made Dad mad was that the spot they were able to get was all the way at the back . They had to travel past all five aisles to get to the entrance . Getting angry over something like this made no sense to Thomas , but he was sure this was part of the reason his father was upset . When they reached the third aisle , a car stopped and waved them on . His mother waved a thank you back to the driver , and they continued . He heard the car zoom down the aisle behind them . As they walked , his attention was grasped by a small crowd of people that gathered around the doorway . An older gentleman held the door open and several of them shook his hand . One of the men called him Marvin and cracked a joke on the Gator shirt he was wearing . He smiled back and returned a clever , but pathetic , joke on the Seminoles . Thomas wondered why he hadn � t gotten angry at the man who joked about his shirt . If someone had said something like that to Dad , he would � ve wound up in a hospital if not in a grave . But this man just smiled and let it pass . He even shook the hand of the man who � d ragged on him . When they reached the door , the man smiled and shook his father � s hand . Dad smiled , but he knew that it was only to be polite . Thomas examined the man while this occurred . Aside from the Gator shirt he wore a pair of jeans that were tucked into a pair of cowboy boots and held up by a leather belt with a gold buckle . His beer gut � were Christians allowed to drink beer ? � leaned lazily over the edge of the jeans , but the shirt was thankfully large enough to keep it from seeping out . A pair of glasses was perched on his nose , and even through the sun � s glare , his bright blue eyes gleamed with the joy that took residence deep inside him . The finishing touch was a cross made of four nails tied together with a piece of twine � or was it thread ? � that hung from a chain around his neck . The man took his mother � s hand and gave it a kiss and told her she was beautiful . She blushed and told him thank you . Then he saw Thomas . He knelt down and held out his hand . For a minute or so , Thomas just stared at him . He had no idea what to do . He didn � t know whether to be frightened by this man or welcomed by his cheery attitude . All of Dad � s friends never acted like this . Thomas would always say hi , and they would just move past him toward his father . And there would always be this bitter smell when they were around . They would have their hands in their pockets , too , like they were hiding something . Then Dad would take them into his room , and there would be the muffled sound of voices � sometimes he could make out numbers � coming through the crack below the door for some time before they came out and left . But nothing like this . This new display of courtesy and interest was unnerving . He finally looked up at his father . He received a nod and then took the man � s hand . � I � m doing okay , I guess , � he said . The man smiled . He seemed to always be smiling . � That � s good . � He released his grip and stood back up . � Would you like to put him in our kids group for the service ? It � s a really good group , the best one in all of the churches in Florida . � The man smiled that dang smile again . � Okay , if that � s what you � d like . But not before he gets one of these . � He reached into the front left pocket of his jeans and removed a green lollypop . He handed it to Thomas . � They � re real special , � he said . � I only give � em to visitors . � They all looked to the left � the direction of the voice � and noticed another older gentleman approaching . Unlike Marvin who had strips of white streaking across the sides of a gray head , his hair was pure white . And his attire was more formal : a red and white plaid button - up shirt with a red tie looped meticulously through the collar tucked into a pair of black dress slacks that ended at a pair of black shoes shined so well that the florescent lights above glistened off their surfaces . His face was also shaven though little needles of the same white hair that sat atop his head could be seen poking through his skin . And he was smiling too . It seemed to be an epidemic in this place . He stuck out his hand . � Name � s Chuck Morrison , � he said . � I � m the senior pastor here . You all from around here ? � The smile widened . � Well , it � s good to have you here . Please , feel free to socialize . As for me I need to get to the front . Service is starting soon . � They said goodbye , and he left . Thomas looked around at all the strange faces . He was terrified of this place . Not scared - terrified but nervous / timid - terrified . It was weird , and he didn � t know if he could handle another smile . His father noticed a coffee cart and dragged them over to it . If there was one thing Dad couldn � t resist it was coffee . An old lady was there pouring the black liquid into a Styrofoam cup . So they waited . After about thirty seconds she had the cup fixed up the way she liked and left . Dad stepped up to the cart and pressed the lever to waterfall the coffee into his . Steam simmered over the edge and dissipated into the air . While this went on , Thomas continued to look around . He literally didn � t know anyone save the two people he had just met . If he wasn � t concerned that he would disappoint his parents , he would � ve bolted out the door and ran home . Then he spotted his grandparents . He waved and they came over . They hugged Mom and shook Dad � s hand . Thomas received a pat on the head from Grandpa and a kiss on the cheek from Grandma . They both got coffee , and then the conversing began , leaving Thomas to look around at strangers again . Dad cleared his throat . Thomas turned and saw that his eyebrows were pointed down in a V . � But I can � t , sorry , � he said as he turned back to Bradley . � My parents want me to sit with them . � Bradley ran off as Thomas frowned and stared at the ground between his feet . Maybe it was for the best , he kept telling himself , though he knew that wasn � t so . He really wanted to go with the kids , but Dad insisted that he stay . And he knew better than to fight his father . Dad grumbled and looked away . That was another thing his father was good at . He was able to keep himself under control when Mom angered him . He loved her so much that he didn � t want to fight with her . Whenever they were about to have a fight he would concede before it began just so he didn � t have to fight with her , because fighting with her would break his heart . And Thomas knew that she loved him for that , as well . That � s why they were perfect for each other . Grandma and Grandpa had fights . He � d been there when some of them had happened . But they always said that Jesus was what kept them together . He didn � t know what kept Mom and Dad together , but they stayed strong somehow . Which was why he admired them so much . Most of his friends � parents were divorced � probably because of fighting too much , but he never found out . Thus , he could walk around school knowing that he was unique . This could be either good or bad at times . Some kids were amazed by the fact that he had parents that were still together . But others were jealous . This one kid named Sampson � the biggest bully in the whole school whose parents had never been married ( he was product of a one - night stand , after which his father ran off with another woman ) � beat him to a pulp and left him in the sandbox � he was only five at this time � balling into his hands and yelling for help . Sitting in the principal � s office was probably the most terrifying part . His mother and Sampson � s mother were there , too , standing behind the boys as the principal explained to them what had happened . While he explained , Thomas looked over at Sampson and saw the malicious evil that lurked behind his good - boy fa � ade � or maybe it was just jealousy , but he was pretty sure it was evil . Why else would he bully everyone at school ? People began to move toward the large row of double doors that opened into the sanctuary . Thomas and his parents followed his grandparents inside . When he crossed the threshold he found himself in a giant ovular room . The ceiling narrowed into a point , but where the point should have been was a square opening consisting of a cage of windows that leaked light into the room . What they held up he didn � t know , but he presumed it to be the steeple . They had entered through furthest door to the right . From where they stood , there was an aisle to their left � the center aisle � that led up to the front . There were five rows in all : three to his left , including the center aisle , and two to his right . And in between these aisles were rows of wooden benches with red cushions that he seemed to recall were called pews . All the pews led up to the front , as well , where the stage was . The stage was made of three steps , also ovular in form like the rest of the room , that rose up into a platform where a group of men and women stood holding instruments and / or microphones . Up and behind him and his family was a balcony . A portion of this balcony was built out over the last couple of rows near the center aisle which Thomas saw was holding electronic equipment , probably the equipment that was operating the instruments . It was beautiful . Most of the congregation was already seated . His grandparents looked around and finally found an open pew to the right . He and his parents followed them . A few people looked at him and then turned to each other , probably wondering why he wasn � t with the kids . He ignored them . He was doing what his parents wanted , that � s all that mattered . As they neared the pews , he finally noticed how fresh the room smelled . He took his seat and watched the people on stage . The man at the front of the group stepped up to the mike and invited them all to stand . Then the music began . He didn � t know what the song was called , but he was amazed at how up - beat it was . He was into heavy rock - and - roll music and thought that what he would hear at this place would be boring . But he was surprised . People began clapping � some were even dancing � and singing along . He � d never seen a place that was so alive with energy . He realized , at last , why everyone smiled : they had no worries . The people here were full of life , life that they had found in some place that was unknown to him . And part of him wondered where they were finding it because he wanted it to . But another part of him was terrified of it . It was unsure whether it wanted to risk the life that it already had to find this new life . When that song was done , another began , and it was just as energetic as the first . People continued to praise and worship this man called Jesus , the same man his grandparents had said kept them together . It was amazing . He found himself in even further conflict with himself . And it wasn � t the music that was causing this conflict . It was the people . He knew it . The music wasn � t as heavy as he usually liked , but the people made it come alive . He soon found himself singing too , though he didn � t really know the man he was singing too or the purpose of singing to Him . He was singing because everyone else was sing . At the end of that song , a younger man grabbed a floor mike and made his way up to the stage . He was younger with tan skin and short brown hair . He introduced himself as Ray , the student pastor of the church . He invited everyone to continue standing and greet those around them . Men and women from around the room began conversing and shaking hands . Some traveled from all the way across the room to say hi to a friend or relative or even a complete and total stranger . Dad did more pretending as people greeted him , and Mom hugged people � that was here thing . After Ray had taken the stage and made his request , the music began again . Now , it stopped , and people took their seats . Ray held up a small slip of paper that he � d gotten out of one of the guides that Thomas had seen being handed out as people walked through the doors before the service . He called it a Connection Guide . The slip of paper he was holding , he explained , was meant for visitors . They could fill out as much as they wanted and put it in the offering plates at the end of the service . Then he asked them to bow their heads and said a prayer . Three more songs followed . The first was just as up - beat as the beginning two , but the last two softened down a bit . Ironically , however , the energy did not leave . The congregation worshiped with just as much might as with the other songs . It seemed as if this life they had found would never die . It was a consistent beating power that coursed through their bodies . He didn � t know who this Jesus fellow was � he wasn � t even sure if He was real � , but these people loved Him a lot and were devoted to Him . It was like He lived inside them or something . The last song ended , and the man at the mike prayed another prayer . The band then exited . A man , the man who he and his parents had run into with the white and red plaid shirt and the black dress pants , made his way to the stage . There was only one difference with him : he was now wearing a black suit coat as well . A tall , round table accompanied by a stool of the same height was placed in front of where the band had been . He prayed again � jeez , this was a lot of praying � and then welcomed them to sit . On the table lay an open bible and a small notebook . He flipped through his notes for a moment and left the crowd in silence . The congregation watched him without a word . Thomas was feeling antsy . He was beginning to wonder why this man had taken over and then just ignored them . But then , the man looked at them with a sober countenance . Thomas was stunned by the power in his voice . The man went silent again , probably for effect , but his words still rang in the air . He was confused by the man � s words . He thought that a preacher was like a teacher . They weren � t supposed to tell stories . They were supposed to give lessons . But maybe he was going to use the story as a lesson . Some teachers did that , right ? Maybe not his teachers , but some . He cleared his throat . � This is a story about a little girl , a little girl who was raised in an extremely dysfunctional household . Some of you may have heard this story . It was taken and made into a song by John Michael Montgomery called The Little Girl . And I swear to you on my life that everything about this story is true . It really happened . The source has never been discovered . But there is a reason for that , and I will get to that later . � Thomas heard his father snicker . As he looked at his parents he could tell that neither of them believed what they were hearing . But somehow , the story had piqued his interest . He was eager to hear it . The preacher continued : � This little girl � her parents were atheists . Neither of them ever told her about the Lord because they didn � t believe in Him themselves . She didn � t know who He was ; she wasn � t given a chance to know Him . But something happened that changed her life forever . Unfortunately , her father was a heavy drinker , and her mother was a severe drug addict . When her father drank he would often become violent , and take it out on his family . Mom and dad were fighting frequently . Soon this fighting turned physical . Her father would beat her mother again and again and again . � A tear slowly made its way down his cheek . � And do you know where the little girl was ? � He wiped the tear away with his shirtsleeve . � The little girl was behind the couch watching them fight through one of the crevices between the cushions waiting , just waiting for her father � s anger and aggression to turn on her . � He paused again , but Thomas could tell that this pause was not for effect but so that the old man could get ahold of himself . � Well �� he continued , � one night , the fighting got to be worse than usual . Her father was throwing her mother about the room thrusting his fists into her one after the other as her blood and her life spilled out onto the floor . The little girl , terrified , watched from her usual spot behind the couch . And dad � out of his rage � he left the room . When he returned , in his hand he held a gun . From the couch � the little girl watched as her father pointed that gun at her mother and pulled the trigger . Just like that , mommy was dead . And then � whether he was afraid of the consequences or whether he was delusional from the alcohol I don � t know , but � he �� He choked as more tears came down his cheeks . � He turned the gun on himself and took his own life too . � � So , � the preacher said , � she was taken by Child Protective Services . She stayed in an orphanage for a little while , but not long after , she was placed with a foster family . The mother in this family happened to be a Christian . And this mother took the little girl to church where she was put in a Sunday school class . Now , let me remind you that this little girl having been raised by atheists had never heard about Christ . Never . � He moved from where he was and went back stage . When he came back he was carrying a portrait of a man . The man had a crown made out of some sort of prickly bush atop His head . His long hair dangled down over His shoulders and mixed with His beard . And His eyes , His eyes were filled with something Thomas couldn � t quite identify . Later he would say that the eyes contained compassion and mercy and understanding . But at the time , he could not put a finger on what this feeling was . � And the mother knew this , � the preacher went on . � So she told the Sunday school teacher this and requested that she be patient with the little girl . But do you know what happened ? � � The Sunday school teacher pulled out a portrait like the one right here beside me , only hers showed Him on the cross , and asked the class if anyone knew who the man in the picture was . Guess what . The little girl raised her hand , and you know what she said ? She said , � I do . I see that He � s on that cross , but He must � ve got down somehow because that � s the man who held me and told me that everything was gonna be alright while I hid behind my couch the night my parents died . �� Silence . Total silence consumed the room as this epic ending gripped the crowd . Thomas realized that his mouth was opened . He was baffled . This little girl had seen Jesus . She � d seen a man he was not entirely sure existed . And she � d known Him even though she � d never been told about Him and / or given the chance to know Him through her parents . His heart was racing . � My God , � he said , � came to a little girl who didn � t know Him , a little girl that was destined for hell because of the family she had , and He � He took her in His arms and told her that everything was going to be alright . My God , ladies and gentlemen . Hopefully He is your God too , because only He can express the love and compassion that can save a little girl from the earthly troubles she was placed in . Only He can show the love and compassion required to save a lost soul from the power of sin and death . She watched her parents die in front of her , but the Lord rescued her . And He can rescue you too . Only my God , ladies and gentlemen . Only my God . � Thomas heard the voice but didn � t realize who it was until a few seconds after . Then he looked to the right to see his father standing up . He grabbed Mom � s arm . � Come on . We � re leaving . I can � t take anymore of this bull - - - - . � Reluctantly , she stood and grabbed Thomas . All three of them ushered out of the room . As they moved to the door , Thomas realized that all eyes had turned to them . Everyone watched them leave , and for some reason , he didn � t know why , he felt embarrassed about it . When they were in the lobby and almost to the door , his grandparents rushed in after them . Dad turned and stared him in the eye . � You really expect us to believe that nonsense . Some little girl saw Jesus . Oh , that � s rich , real rich . � Grandpa � s eyes began to water and this made Thomas want to cry . He � d never seen his grandfather hurt before . Grandpa was a strong man , tough as nails . He didn � t cry . Never had he ever cried . But now , these few words that his father said were causing the tears to rise . It didn � t seem right . Dad was shaking his head . � I � m not gonna listen to another word of that - - - - . � He turned to Mom . � Come on let � s go . � Mom turned to Grandma and Grandpa and apologized . This was strange to Thomas seeing how everything was Dad � s fault . But she apologized anyway and then ran to catch up with him and his father who were already halfway across the lot . When they were back in the car , Thomas sat quietly in the back and watched out the window as the buildings , cars , and pedestrians raced by . He thought about the little girl . Oddly , he believed every word of the story . Maybe Jesus was real . But even if He was , how could He possibly show compassion to a kid like him . He wasn � t necessarily a bad kid , but he definitely wasn � t a good one either . His parents sat in the front looking away from each other and not saying a word . Dad watched the road and waited for his chance to turn right onto Gulf to Bay . Outside , it had turned into a hot , muggy afternoon in Florida . But it wasn � t called the sunshine state for nothing . It was rough sometimes , living in this state . A lot of times the seasons all appeared to be the same except for slight changes in temperature . Because where he lived was trapped between three different bodies of water , the temperature didn � t really have much of a chance to get too high or too low . But he liked Pinellas County , just as much as he liked Florida . Sure , it had its downs , but they survived . And not to mention , they could go to the beach just about any time they liked . He let his mind wander again but somehow ended up back on the story of the little girl . He couldn � t remember the last time he was gripped by a story like that . He didn � t like to read that much , and when someone was trying to tell him a story , he usually ignored them . But this story grabbed ahold of him and wouldn � t let go . It was as if it were a living thing that had entered his mind through his ears . Just thinking about it revived some of the excitement it had created in him . His heart was pounding again , though not as hard . The story moved through him nagging him from inside . He saw his father � s eyes shift to the mirror . � Oh , Jeez , � he said as his hand came up and pinched his forehead together . � I don � t really believe it , no , Son . � � Now you know why . The reason why is because those - - - - in � Christians try to get you to believe in a bunch of lies . Even when you � re not in church , they still try to shove everything they believe right down your throat . That story wasn � t true , and I don � t want you talking about that bull - - - - anymore . � So he did . There was so much left to question , but he didn � t want to make Dad anymore upset than he already was . So much of him wanted to believe this story , but it was hard to grasp . It was so believable that it was unbelievable . And it wouldn � t be till later on that night that he would come to understand how real it was . It was around eight o � clock . He sat in his room in his family � s duplex playing some video game that he couldn � t remember now as he looked back . It was on PS2 , that � s as far as he could go . His door opened out into the den where his father sat on the sofa watching TV . The kitchen was small and a part of the den . As he sat on his bed which faced the door he could actually see part of the fridge . He played on and reached another level . Before long he was hungry . He � d eaten dinner around six , but now he wanted dessert . He opened the freezer and began to scrounge around . Where was that dang ice cream ? Ah , there , he saw it . It was hiding behind some packs of ground beef . He used his left hand to hold up the beef and then slid the ice cream out with his right . He placed it on the counter . In the cabinet over the stove were several different bowls and plates . He opened it , grabbed one , and returned to the counter . The last utensil was the ice cream scoop . He went to a drawer to his right just above the sink and found it at the back . As he scooped the ice cream , he looked over at the TV . Family Guy was on . Stewie was in a speedo tanning outside and saying something to Brian . The third scoop splashed into his bowl . He rinsed it off in the sink and placed it on the dish towel that his mother had left out for dishes and utensils that couldn � t be washed in the dishwasher . He clasped the lid back on the container and stuck it back in the freezer . He stood up off the sofa and grabbed the bowl . He sat it on the counter . What happened next , Thomas never expected . He turned back to him and kneeled so that they were at eyelevel � this was necessary since his dad was about six three . � I � m sorry about the way I reacted in the car , � he said . � I � m just concerned about you . Christianity is just dangerous in my eyes , and as long as you � re in my house , I don � t want you socializing with them . It � s only for your safety . When you get older and move out , you can choose whatever path you like . Okay ? � That was the last thing he ever heard his father say . He got the bowl from the counter and went to his room . The video game got old so he turned it off and switched on Family Guy . His mother didn � t appreciate it . She thought it was a vile , disgusting program that destroyed family values . But she agreed that it was much better than South Park . So he watched the characters do their random humor and laughed as he ate his ice cream . On the commercials he thought about the girl again . He wondered why that was the only thought to keep going through his head . And that was when he heard a knock at the door . He looked out into the den to see his father getting up to open the door . He wasn � t concerned . His parents often had visitors come over later at night than eight . Most often these visitors were the strange men that kept their hands in their pockets . Suddenly , that bitter smell was in the air again . He scanned the man that stepped through the door , and sure enough , his hand was in his pocket . Only , this guy was new . He didn � t recognize the face . He was younger and white , but he wore a red jacket and kept the hood over his head as if he were concerned about somebody discovering who he was . But maybe he was just cold . He continued to eat his ice cream enjoying the chocolate clumps as they raced down his throat . He couldn � t remember what flavor it was , but it was good nonetheless . He heard the clank of his spoon as it swooped for one more bite but came into contact with empty bowl . Commercials came on so he decided it would be a good time to step out to clean it . As he left his bed for the door , he looked back at his father and the man and noticed that the man was holding up a bag filled with some kind of leafy substance like tea . He hurried past the sofa and into the kitchen . At the counter , he returned his gaze to their direction and saw that his father had taken the bag and was filling a small rectangular strip of paper with the leafy substance . When finished , he rolled it up into a � cigarette ? So that � s what Dad was doing all those times . He � d seen his parents smoking cigarettes before , but he thought they had come from a store somewhere . From a drug lecture he � d received at school he learned about illegal drugs . They weren � t sold in stores because they were against the law . That � s what this must be . His father was purchasing some drug that was illegal . He heard his mother down the hall in their room talking . He looked and saw that the door to their room was open . On the door he could see her shadow in the light . It looked as if she were holding a phone . He turned back to see his father looking at him . He must � ve finally realized that Thomas was in the kitchen overlooking what was transpiring . His eyes said everything that needed to be said : Get in your room . So he did . He moved back crossed behind the sofa to his room and got back on his bed . A new episode of Family Guy was coming on . He had muted the TV when the commercials came on so he unmuted it , but he left it low so he could hear . Something was weird about what was going on and he felt uncomfortable . His mind ached trying to figure out what was bothering him , but he couldn � t . It remained a mystery . It felt like a voice in his head was telling him to get out or hide or something along that line . But hide from what ? Run from what ? He surveyed the den again . The man was now standing with his back to the front door facing Dad . The bag and the cigarette still lay on the coffee table they � d bought on a trip to IKEA . And that bitter odor still poisoned the air . Wait . . . the man was moving his right hand from his jacket pocket . Strange , he didn � t remember it being there , but it was now . It slipped out and hung at his side . And there was something in it , something shiny . He couldn � t hear what his father and the man were talking about because the TV in the den was too loud , but his bad feeling grew worse by the second . Then the man lifted his arm straight out toward his father . There was a loud bang followed by the back of his father � s head exploding . The dark red color of blood appeared everywhere behind the sofa . His mind began to swarm with thoughts . He � d never experienced such confusion and terror in his life . He thought about screaming , but maybe the man forgot he was there . If this was so , screaming would re - alert the man of his presence . He ran to right edge of his door , out of the man � s sight . � Dear , God , � he heard down the hall . He peeked around the edge of the door to see the mass of human that used to be his father leaning back , almost laying , his blood draining down the back of the sofa . That � s when his mother appeared at the entrance of the hallway . She belted a scream and then looked up at the man . Mom was crying and begging . He heard the hammer of the gun click back . And , in the last second � which seemed like an hour � he saw his mother � s eyes shift in his direction . She saw him standing by the door huddled in fear , the tears that he had not yet realized he � d shed streaming down his face . He could not say what she thought , but her expression changed . She seemed to come to acceptance with what was happening . It was as if she said , If I have to die to keep you alive , so be it . And then there was another bang . A red hole appeared in her head as she was thrown back into the hall , now laced with her blood , from the power of the impact . Her eyes remained open staring endlessly at him . She was gone too . Run , said the voice in his head . So he did . He could see that the closet was open on the opposite side of his bed . He quickly jumped in and slid the door shut . His breathing was as rapid as his pulse . He realized that he was drenched in sweat . Clanking sounds came from the den . He opened the door a sliver so he could see . The man was now scavenging around the room . He picked up items , and if he liked them and wanted them he would put them in a black leather bag . If not , he threw them back shattering some of the fragile ones . Oh , no ! He stepped on something . He felt it through his shoe . It was a toy probably , something plastic . He looked through the sliver again and saw the man turn toward his room . � Oh , yeah , � he said . � I forgot about you , little buddy . Come on out so you and I can talk a little bit . I � ve got something to show you . � � I know you � re scared . I � d be scared too . But listen , this was just a little business transaction . No hard feelings , right ? About your parents ? � Then he felt it . A presence beside him . He turned to see a man standing next to him in the closet . He had long hair and a long beard and was dressed in a long white robe like the Jews used to wear in the olden days � at least that � s what he � d heard from his grandparents . And his hands had scars on them , scars from some type of piercings . It took him a minute , but he finally realized that this was the guy he � d seen in the portrait at the church . The only difference was that he was no longer wearing that crown of thorns . What ! The man from the portrait was now standing in the center of his room . He looked back to the space in his closet and saw that it was empty . How � ? The man from the portrait said nothing . He just stared at the man with the gun . Then He began to move toward him . If He had legs it didn � t seem like He was using them . His body slowly glided across the floor . Thomas didn � t know what to make of the man with the gun . He seemed scared . When he began he was surely expecting a quick , easy heist with a swift getaway . But now he was looking for a scared little orphan boy and suddenly found himself in a faceoff with an unarmed man . He pulled the trigger . There was that same familiar bang , but nothing happened . The man from the portrait continued to glide toward the man with the gun and was almost there . Then Thomas saw what had happened . The bullets had stopped just inches in front of the man from the portrait . They just hovered there . His eyes grew wide as he watched the scene . The man with the gun was clearly flustered . His eyes were just as wide if not bigger , and his hands were shaking . � Okay , � he said . � You win . � He sat the leather case and the gun on the floor of the den , just in front of the door . � Just don � t hurt me . � He began to walk backwards and then made a sprint for the door . � Please � don � t hurt me ! � He opened the closet door wider . The man from the portrait was still facing the door , the bullets still hovering in front of him . They each dropped one by one to the floor . He crawled onto his bed . His mouth , unnoticed by him before , was wide open . He also realized , as he watched the man begin to turn toward him , that the bangs had had no effect on his hearing . Sound entered his ears better than ever . He looked up at the man . Facing each other , a moment of silence ensued . Then the man finally spoke . He said , � Everything is going to be alright . � Immense sadness gripped him at last . He threw his arms around the man � s waist and balled into His robe . The man hugged him in return and rested His chin on his head . And that was how it happened , the day his parents died . He never told anyone what had transpired . It was for him and him alone . It was meant as proof to him that Jesus Christ existed and had died for him . Following the hug , the man led him to his father and then left through the front door . Why He did that Thomas never knew . He could have easily just vanished from the room , but He chose not to . It wasn � t long after that that the police arrived . One of the neighbors heard the shots and called it in . When they came in , Thomas was next to his father crying into his lap . But his life did not stop . His grandparents adopted him and took him to church every Sunday . When he entered high school , he joined Ray � s youth group . He immediately got saved and made several friends . Ray � s ministry impacted him so much that when he went off to college he decided to major in religious studies . In 2003 , he graduated with his Bachelor � s Degree from Florida State University . Whenever he was back home on breaks during the years he was there , he would joke around with Marvin who never ceased to miss an opportunity to wear one of his Gator shirts . He missed his parents , but he couldn � t deny that their loss had changed his life forever , possibly for the better . And he realized why his father tried to keep him from seeing those meetings over the drugs : He didn � t want his son to end up like him . Now , he stood in the Florida cemetery where his parents were buried . In front of him the headstone read : DOUGLAS + MARY PHILIPS R . I . P . He released a breath and continued to glaze over words for the fifth time since his arrival . He no longer lived in Florida . After college he had met the woman of his dreams , and they were wed in the church , his best friend and teacher Ray presiding . Then he � d found an opening for a youth pastor in a small Baptist church in Maryland . That was where he now lived . But they had agreed to take this trip down so that his children could see where their grandparents were buried . His daughter Kayla who was now five stood in front of him feeling the stone tablet with her hand . His son Caleb who was four stood next to him watching her and hugging his left leg . His wife Jessica was standing to his right also watching Kayla . He felt her arm wrap around his back coming to rest with her hand on his shoulder . He broke from his scan and rescan of the letters . � Yeah , � he replied . � I � m fine . I was thinking about the night they died . � As he moved , he felt Jessica � s hand grab his arm . � No , � she said . � You stay here . I � ll go get them . � So he did . He stared at the stone and looked over the letters again . He breathed in and smelled the air rummaging over the events of that long - ago day . And oddly , he found himself think about the story of the little girl . It had been a long time since he had run the story through his head , but he knew why he was thinking about it this time . It was because he was the little girl . Like her , he � d had to watch his parents die , he � d had to hide from the danger of the moment , and he � d been a witness to the impossible . He closed his eyes and let these thoughts continue . The warm breeze felt good on his skin . Coming back to Florida , he realized how much he missed it here . The seasons never changed here , unlike Maryland where it was freezing cold in winter and blazing hot during summer and mild in between . It was a weird climate there compared to what he � d grown up in , but he felt that was where God wanted him to be . When he opened his eyes he saw Him . Up on the hill under a tree between a row of headstones stood the man from his room . Only , Thomas now knew Him as Jesus Christ , the Son of God . He still wore the same white robe , and His beard and hair remained the same length , just slightly touching his shoulders and chest . And He was waving . Thomas wondered if anyone else could see Him . It was possible that He was waving to someone else . But he was sure that it was him He was waving at . He had come back to visit the boy whom He had rescued that terrible eve when his parents were ripped away from him . � Hey , buddy . � He bent down and lifted him up by his underarms . When he rested safely in Daddy � s arm , Thomas gave him a kiss on the forehead . � You ready to go see Poppa and Granny ? � As they walked to the car , his arm wrapped around her neck and his fingers laced with hers , he turned back around for one more look at the hill . The man was gone . He smiled again . It was amazing how a ruined life like his could be turned around by such a series of tragic events . But he was happy , and above all , he was complete because he had something that many people failed to receive : He had a brand new life , spiritually and physically ; he had a second chance with a family he loved and cherished ; and he had a savior � not just a savior but the Savior , the Great I Am whom many sought for but never found , a man � worth knowing . Please contact me at this email address with any compliments , critique , or other information regarding this piece or any other pieces of writing I have posted in the past . Thank you . PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR , LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE Read more by clicking on a link : Free Reprints Main Site Articles Most Read Articles Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles . New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review . NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You

Posted on January 24 , 2015 by Ella North I went on ( yet another ) Tinderdate last week . He 'd been nice to chat to , but a day before our date , confessed to me he was still living with his ex , and asked if that put me off . I told him that it depended on the situation , but for now , no . To be honest , normally that would definitely put me off , but I told myself that it would only be an issue if I ended up liking him . And , given my track record , that 's what probably would not happen . He came , through the storm , and we went for a drink . Immediately when he walked into the bar , I knew . Nah . I wouldn 't be interested . He looked a bit older than his pictures , was bald ( though I should have known since he wore hats in all of his pictures ) and while he looked friendly in those pictures , I found him to be quite harsh . He had strong opinions about everything . His job . The people in it , people around him . He asked me loads of questions , I in return , did not ask him about his ex . He wasn 't interesting to me and I knew I wasn 't going to see him again , so there was no point in collecting that sort of information . Somehow we got to talk about differences between men and women , how they fight , and then he asked me if I was one of ' those unreasonable women ' . I sure am . ' So you 're kind of a bitch then ? ' I think my eyebrows touched my hairline , and he knew he 'd gone too far as he physically moved back a few inches . In all fairness , if it comes with a good joke I wouldn 't mind much , but he was dead serious . Not cool . So , another unsuccessful date . I have to admit I 'm getting a little tired of the dating . I like meeting new people , I don 't mind spending money on a drink here and there , but at the same time it is discouraging . At the moment , I 've got nothing in the pipeline , and that 's ok . It 's a scary thing to admit , because I don 't want to be alone . I 've been alone for thirty one years ( give or take a few short lasted flings ) and I don 't want to die alone . But all of my effort is not paying off . It always makes me think of my ( in my mind ) almost fifty year old flute teacher when I was twelve . She was probably a lot younger . But , she was single , and lived alone . In my twelve year old mind , that was a horrible , sad , lonely thing . And to this day , I tell myself I don 't want to be like her . But I 'm getting there , and that freaks me out . Posted on January 12 , 2015 by Ella North And so here we have it ; another year spent single went by . So so many dates have come and gone I can 't even keep track . None of them have stuck . Well , for the long run that is . I 've met a few men that rocked my world for a little while , but nothing lasted . There 's been quite a few fellow bloggers that got engaged or even married , and in real life people are finding their soul mates left and right . Dating has never been easier with apps like Tinder , and yet , after a year of full on dating , I haven 't managed to find someone . As I told someone else earlier this week ; I am the only constant . There were men that were into me , I believe that I could have been settled by now and yet , I refuse anything less than a hundred percent . Maybe by the end of this year I 'll look at it differently , maybe I 'm looking in the wrong places . As for the regular updates ; I went on a second date with the guy I saw the day before New Year 's Eve . When I texted him to ask if he was interested , he jumped on it and wanted to see me the next day . That wasn 't gonna happen , so we settled on Sunday . After a lot of back and forth , I went to his place . I had proposed drinks , but all of a sudden he wanted a day date , wanted to come to my town but after I told him there 's nothing here on a Sunday , he said he had to be back home by nine anyway , and he just wanted to spend an afternoon cocooning . Alright then . I decided to go to his instead , for some reason I did not want him in my house yet . So off I went through the storm . When I got to his place he greeted me with a kiss , made me tea and made small talk . Like last time , he was very calm and quiet . I was a little disappointed , I 'd hoped he 'd be a bit more alive . We hung around on the couch for a bit , made out and he quickly wanted to move things to the bedroom . Literally within twenty minutes of me getting there . While I 'm happy to report the sex was a bit better , he still didn 't last very long . We got naked pretty quickly , and before I 'd even touched him he provided me with an orgasm with his fingers . I could tell he was ready to go but I wasn 't gonna have another super speedy session . But when I went down on him , I literally bobbed up and down twice , maybe thrice before he told me to stop or he would come . I obliged , stalled him a little longer , but then he made an attempt to go for it without condom . That wasn 't happening . He got the message , found one , and did me in missionary until he came , which didn 't take very long and happened in silence . It wasn 't weird , or particularly bad , but I like my men a bit more active , a little less vanilla and to last a bit longer . I don 't know if he takes a long time getting used to someone , or if this is as good as it gets . He went to prepare dinner , and I took a long time dressing . I wasn 't quite sure how I felt . Yes I knew what he 'd wanted , but it was the first time I didn 't really feel good about it . Was this really what I wanted ? When I got myself together he was cooking , and I finished my tea , which was ( mind you ) still warm . Lukewarm , but still . He didn 't say much . I didn 't say much . It wasn 't terribly awkward , it was more a calm , serene thing and he might be the type that doesn 't mind sharing his personal space . It was like we 'd been married for ten years . And so we had dinner , I helped him pick up a lamp for his bedroom , and he wanted to watch a movie , some action flick I wasn 't really interested in , but okay . I wondered if I should leave . I didn 't . I waited until the end . We had a glass of wine , and he still wasn 't very talkative . I 've never had such a weird date . He 's attractive , has his shit together , I 'm sure he 's got plenty stuff to talk about , but whenever we talked , his answers weren 't very elaborate , and not getting anything in return , you kind of give up . I finished my wine and told him I was gonna go . He saw me out with a kiss , and I left pretty abruptly . On my way home I couldn 't help myself but text him I hoped for his travel buddies he was gonna be a bit more talkative , or if he reserved that just for me . He texted back the next day saying sorry , he had been tired , and had had a really good time . Really ? doesn 't take a lot more than sex I guess . He 's gone on a skiing trip now , and I hope he gets over that fatigue of him . Weird shit . On New Year 's eve , I went clubbing with a few girlfriends . Nothing interesting there , but I did receive a few texts from the poker player . During the day where he wanted to say happy new year and we had a little catch up , and then he texted me in the middle of the night , calling me hot stuff and all . Kinda made my night , how pathetic . Also , Couch guy asked to go on a second date . I told him I 'd be busy for a few weeks and would have to let him know . Really don 't know about him , and I 'd say I 've had my fair share of weirdness . I 've got a few more dates lined up this week and so help me God I am telling myself sex is not an option . Though , the fact I closed and started the year sex wise with the same guy , should hopefully be a good omen . Or something . Posted on December 21 , 2014 by Ella North So I 've taken a while to give you an update on the poker player I 've had such a fantastic first date with . In a way I was hoping to write something conclusive . But ; off we go . When he texted me the day after our date , I took it as a sign of interest , and I was quite pleased . The next few days we went back and forth and I quite quickly asked him if he wanted to go out again before he 'd go home . I was under the impression he 'd leave pretty soon , so I felt like I had to act pretty quickly . He said yes , he 'd like to see mee again , but that he would have to let me know . He was in a tournament he didn 't know how long would last , and he 'd have to visit friends and family . All valid reasons . We kept in touch , his tournament ended after four days ( or ; he bombed ) , he went off to see his family , and things went quiet for a bit . I messaged him a few days later , to which he replied saying he had been thinking about me . I might have blushed . But then we somehow steered back to Tinder , and he told me he had two more dates lined up this week . Thank God I wasn 't ignorant enough to confirm with him that I was one , though I did think that for a few moments . It stung a little . After his first date that week , he messaged me that he liked me better . I asked him if he was going to have time left to see mee . And I got ' I think I have unconsciously been delaying going home because I want to see you again . ' I melted . We settled on a dinner date for Saturday . He came to pick me up from the train station again , gave me a kiss , and off we went . Before dinner , we went to have a drink first . It was easy , simple and just like last time . I was happy to be with him , and it was so comfortable I wondered if this was what it should always supposed to be like . He was hungry for steak and so we went to a tiny little restaurant . He took my hands across the table to warm them . I had been meaning to ask him things . Like why he was dating in a country he wasn 't in most of the time . Or if I should attach any meaning to the fact he had been delaying his flight for me . Because of some of the things he 'd said while texting I wanted to find out if there was some sort of interest there . But before we got there , the check came and the moment was gone . We did get to me telling him nine out of ten times I would go home at the end of the date . Not necessarily true , but I pointed out I had to like someone in order to do that . He said he liked that . And then we had to leave . A missed opportunity on my end , but at the same time I had to keep reminding myself this was only date two . In real life , you don 't have those conversations at that point . Out on the street , he grabbed my hand , pulled me in and kissed me . A tourist passed by and told us to get a room , making us laugh . We decided to go back to the same neighborhood we went to last time , even though it was a bit far away . So off we went , hand in hand like a regular couple on the lookout for cozy cafe 's . We found one , sat close together and talked . After two drinks , we left and repeated somewhere else . Every now and then we 'd stop and make out a little . Shortly after midnight he wrapped his arm around me , said he knew a great place , namely his house , and off we went . We shared a cup of tea to warm up , which of course quickly led to a making out and undressing session in front of the windows . He tried to carry me to the bedroom but gave up when he hit his head on the lamp . He dropped an ' is this all for me ? ' again , which makes me think he either says that to everyone , or he was genuinely happy . Anyway , the sex was good , he 's seriously packing , but I don 't think he realizes . We fell asleep afterwards , perfectly content . Previously , he 'd already told me we 'd have to get up early as the house owner would be coming home and he didn 't really like visitors . I 'd been hoping this person would change their mind , or poker player would forget , but unfortunately no . However , he 'd been keeping an eye on it to make sure there 'd be time for sex left . It was lazy , slow morning sex , in which his orgasm was perfectly timed with the alarm clock . We laid there for a while while his fingers were running up and down my back . I couldn 't help myself and told him it was a shame he 'd have to go back , to which he didn 't really respond . That took away any courage I had about asking him when he 'd be back . We had a quick breakfast together , after which I left at about nine thirty . The goodbye was like last time , with a kiss and a bye . That night , I texted him I 'd had a great time , enjoyed seeing him again and that it was a bummer he was leaving . ( After we 'd set our date , he 'd bought his ticket for the day after ) . He said ' Yeah it was ! But all good things come to an end . ' I stared at it for a while . Really ? I asked if I should be taking that literally . No , he didn 't mean it like that , but he did have to do some thinking when it came to women . He wasn 't sure what he wanted . Fair enough . Knowing he just came out of a relationship , would be moving out of their shared house once he got back and considering we 'd only had two dates , what was there for claim for me ? I wished him a safe journey , best of luck moving and all , and told him to keep on touch . And when he made his way back over here and had done some thinking , who knew ? It sounded like a good plan to him . I won 't lie and say I shed a tear . Dating for me never comes easy in the sense that either I don 't like them , or I do like them and they 're not into me , but that 's usually clear from the beginning and I 'm not in the dark . This time , I 'm very into him , and there is no denying there was mutual chemistry . There was . I know it , and not only because he told me , and not only because of that postponed flight . There was something there . And maybe the timing wasn 't right . Maybe he does need to do some soul searching . Maybe I 've confused him and he wasn 't expecting this . Maybe none of this all and I 've fallen for it , hard . There is something about this man that makes me feel completely at ease . I haven 't felt this way in a long time and it 's scary . Not in the least because ever since he got back , I didn 't hear from him . So last night , I sent him a message . Told him the city was a bit less exciting , and hoped he 'd get the sunny Christmas he wanted . He replied almost immediately . That yes , that had been a good time . Insert smiley heart emoticon . Then sent me a photo of his dad who was helping him move and gave me an update on how the move was going with pictures . If anything I might be back in his mind , and when the dust settles in his end we 'll see what happens . I 'll send him a reminder of my existence every now and then . Had he lived here , the situation would have been different and easier . We 'd continue dating and just see what 'd happen . Because he lives relatively far away , that 't not an option . It made me feel like I had to force something , because what sane man would hang on to two dates ? What is there to explore through whatsapp ? You can 't build anything this way . That makes me anxious . I thought I would take a bit of a break from the dating thing , which is what I usually do when someone managed to confuse me . I am not going to put all my money on poker player , reality is that the chance anything is going to happen there are slim . But the door isn 't shut . Not yet . Let 's call him the poker player . We matched on Tinder last Friday , which I was super happy about , because he 's hot . I sent him a short ' yay ! ' message , and we chatted for a bit that night . Then on Saturday afternoon , he asked if I wanted to come over and drink wine in a nice cafe . I wanted to . But I already had another date with a guy from OKC set up . He told me to cancel , because he was much more fun . I told him I 'd need a really good reason , because that 'd be awful for my karma . He said he 'd love to stare into my eyes over wine and have a wander through the dark city . And I thought ; ' what the hell . ' So I cancelled my date , and agreed to meet him . He came to meet me at the train station , and when I saw him , I got even more excited . I think he felt the same , he grabbed me , planted three kisses on me , and off we went . We went to a tiny little cafe , and never stopped talking until two in the morning . He 's a professional poker player , and does so well he doesn 't live in this country but on a sunny island somewhere ( not too far ) for tax purposes , though he 's here often . We connected on so many things , yoga , meditation , our views on life and relationship . He radiated such calm and was so down to earth I never wanted to leave . The only thing , and I knew this since I had looked him up , is that he 's barely out of a long relationship . He 's been together ( engaged even ) for nine years , and only split six weeks ago . I also saw the message on Facebook , in which he said there were no fights , it was a mutual decision that after so many years they had to face the fact they were not meant to be . They 'd always be friends and all that . Very mature . When he talked about it that evening , he was very mature and calm about it . Nine years is a long time , though that kind of decision isn 't usually made overnight . Before meeting , he had told me he was dating , and whatever happened , happened , but he might be rebounding for all I know . That 'd make the most sense . I am tempted to believe him , there was something different about him . Anyway , when one o ' clock rolled around and he wanted to go get another drink I told him that I would love to stay , but that if he didn 't feel like being responsible for a place to stay for me , I would have to think about my trains home . He wanted me to stay . A little voice in the back of my mind told me that maybe I should go home if I liked him , I might get hurt , but as usual , I ignored it . We finished our drink , and off we went . We walked to his friend 's place , where he stays , and he stopped me on a bridge to kiss me . There we were , in the middle of the night , kissing on a bridge . It was awesome . When we got into the apartment building , he noticed there was a roof terrace . We got a bottle of wine from the house , some cheese , and went back up . We drank wine , had some cheese , he sang to me . We kissed some more . At one point , he just looked at me and said ' is this all for me ? ' Very smooth . At one point , he mentioned that this town seemed like a much better place to be , all of a sudden . Once inside , we sat on the couch , he put music on , and started making out . Obviously that pretty quickly turned into lots of nakedness . And good , good sex . He was hung , and circumcised ( which is rare here ) . After that , we moved into his bedroom , cuddled , talked some more and after a while , he was ready again . By the time we went to sleep , it was five in the morning . But when I had to get up to go to the bedroom a little later , I noticed I had bled a little on the sheets . Fuck . I had just come off my period , so that wasn 't it . This was the second time this happened . Once I discovered that , I lay there stressing out for a good hour . Was I going to tell him ? Was I not and be surprised when we saw it ? Was I gonna bleed more ? Should I sleep on my back ? And , how would he react ? Eventually , I did fall asleep , and we slept until noon . Nothing happened . He woke me up massaging my back . Seriously . One thing led to another , and we had slow morning sex . Once he pulled back the sheets , he saw the stain , saw my face ( I was still mortified ) , shrugged and said ' we made a mess ' . And proceeded to make out . After he came , we laid there forever . He said he 'd come so good and was so relaxed he was tingling and seeing purple stars . We stayed in bed , I was on his chest , and he 'd kiss my hair every now and then . When we did get up , he made us breakfast , we ate it half naked and it wasn 't awkward at all . He put his sheets in the washing machine , set up his computers to work later , and we left the house together . I was going home , he was going to get groceries . So we had to say goodbye on the corner of the street . He gave me three kisses on the cheek , a peck on the lips , said ' great date ' , and then ' bye . ' and turned around and left . I was a little taken aback by the abruptness of it . No ' see you next time ' , or ' we 'll be in touch . ' I went home wondering if he was just very good at the game , if I looked differently in daylight , or if he just doesn 't do goodbyes . Once home , I contemplated a plan of attack . I wouldn 't text him yet , I would give him time . I don 't think that after a serious relationship like he had , he wants to be crowded by someone wanting all sorts of things from him after a first date . So I talked it over with my friend , and went to bed , feeling a little weird about it . The goodbye was in such contrast to the date , and rather anticlimactic . But when I woke up this morning , I woke up to a message from him . A nice one , too . He nicknamed me , said he had had a great date , then some about his Sunday , and a have a good workweek for me , ending with an x . We went back and forth a bit , I asked if the sheet got clean ( it did ) and that 's it for now . I don 't want to be on his case , I want to give him space . At the same time , I think he goes back to his island home some time next week , so I do plan on asking him to see if he 'd like to meet up again before he goes . The distance thing doesn 't bother me , but the relationship is a bit tricky . He is most likely not ready for anything at all . And here I am , feeling like this after only one date , and that never happens . It 's very likely I am going to get hurt . We will see how this goes ; I am trying to manage my expectations and hope , though I really , really like this one . Posted on September 21 , 2014 by Ella North The more rejections I receive , the more they seem to get to me lately . That Tinder guy I 'd been chatting to for a few nights and was supposed to have a dinner / drinks date with today ? The one I thought could finally be a normal date that I deserved ? Well , I 'm home , writing this , so that didn 't happen . I received a text message in the middle of the night saying ' I 'm going to be a total dick but need to be honest . Going home with someone so it doesn 't feel right to see you . ' Well fuck me . Got rejected even before meeting . I replied that indeed he was a dick and happy fucking . It 's not that I care if he fucks someone at all , but if you 've got a ' project ' that you 're working on , you shouldn 't be on Tinder , let alone making actual agreements to date . I get so tired of this whole dating thing that is leading nowhere . The fact that his rejection came while I was having drinks with the Stud also didn 't help . I had been looking forward to today 's date , even if only it made me feel adequate that I could do what he did . I needed to have something to look forward to . So yeah , the Stud came to see me . True to form , he was late . I went to pick him up from the train station and we went to my regular bar . It didn 't take long for him to bring up his lady - friend . He told me he had almost lost his friendship with the other chick he 'd been seeing over it , as she couldn 't handle the change in their relationship . She 'd been ready to call the whole thing off , he wouldn 't let her . I told him I didn 't feel like he was doing the same for me . I told him I was really not cool with the way he told me by text messaging . I told him that because he chose to do it that way it put things in a new light for me . He didn 't care enough . He was a little taken aback , and said he hadn 't even realized that it would have some sort of impact and how it came across . No shit Sherlock . He then said there was another friend he 'd had to tell , that he 'd been friends with benefits with before me . They haven 't slept with each other in a year , but when he told her she was heart broken . It had really surprised him and while he understood , he also felt that he had been clear with her the whole time . I told him I was somewhere in the middle . I wasn 't heart broken , but I did take a good look at myself and my reaction that night . And yes , it had also crossed my mind that I wasn 't good enough . And that I wasn 't sure if we were friends . And then , I mentally shut the door . I didn 't care anymore . If we were friends , fine . He doesn 't like me that way and there is nothing I can do to change it . He told me some stuff he 's never told anyone , I told him about my fuck up with the ex last week , and it was all good . We now have stuff on each other I guess . They 've already talked about exclusivity , he 's met her child , he 's shown me her photo , and I kind of laughed at myself . If anything , I had been leading myself on . What 's left to do is redefine our friendship . We didn 't really talk about it , and I kind of wished we did , because I still don 't know what kind of friend he thinks I am , but well . I am off to China next weekend and decided that if nothing happens with anyone by then , I am deleting all my profiles . Dating ( and the inevitable rejections ) is making me harsh and bitter and it isn 't pretty . The first one told me I couldn 't murder him for being honest with me . Fair point . I 've talked about this before , but my issue ( one of them ) is that I don 't talk . I won 't tell men anything about my feelings , thoughts or anything deeper until I know it is worth the investment . This particular friend also pointed out calling it an investment is ridiculous . How else are they supposed to get to know me when I won 't let them ? How can I blame them for walking away when I 'm not giving anything ? And especially because I knew the Stud 's intentions , I haven 't been very open , which ( in my mind ) means that I don 't have a right to anything . The second one said ' fuck this other chick ' . The only question I needed an answer to is what does he want ? And there 's three options ; does he want a platonic friendship , friends with benefits , or does he see a relationship ? Nothing else concerns me . I needed to think about whether I would be ok with whatever answer I would get . And if I would be ; it means acceptance , because my eyes are wide open . So , I had calmed down a bit . Though when I texted him on Tuesday what the plan was , he told me he could meet after nine , where he had told me earlier before . I told him that was quite late considering it was a weeknight , and also that he had told me he 'd be available earlier . He said I was right , and cancelled his appointment . Then asked if I wanted to go to dinner together . Yes , I did . And so we met at his house . He came straight from his rowing training , changed his clothes , and off we went to a Spanish restaurant . The weather was fabulous , we sat outside and before we knew it , had downed a bottle of wine . Things went as usual . We talked for hours , he told me loads of stuff , I did less so . He mentioned a few dates he 'd been on , the one chick he stayed over with . I told him about mine . He said I was an exception to the rule when it came to casual dating . I didn 't say anything . We went to the next bar , had another glass , and then went back to his place when it hit one in the morning . Good thing I had taken the next day off . And then as we were about to get to bed , I got my period . I 'd felt it coming all day so wasn 't too surprised , but wasn 't quite sure how he 'd take it . He just smiled , said it was a bummer , but oh well . Nothing I could do . We got into bed , made out for a little bit , talked , and then I sucked it up and asked whether we should talk about it , and asked him what he did with the woman he spent four days with the weekend prior . He told me he didn 't , he went home on Monday , and they 'd had sex once . She wants to get back with her ex . He doesn 't want to impose . What about me ? He thinks I am beautiful , great and he likes me , but he likes things the way they are now . He still just doesn 't want any relationships . He wants to keep me around , he genuinely feels that we are friends . And if I don 't want to do it his way , I need to tell him and he will adjust . I told him for now I am ok with what he wants , but that I don 't need to know about anyone else he sees . That I need him to be clear at all times . He said that if either one of our feelings change , we need to talk about it . He is worried about where I stand . And he should be . I 'm a girl , after all . It 's up to me now . I realized there 's no point in anger , this is all about me , not him . It doesn 't matter if he continues to see that other woman . What matters is me , how I feel about the situation and to which level I want to take this . I 'm not in love with him , yet . And I 'd like it to stay that way , but I give it three months before I 'd have to tell him I am scared of falling in love with him and getting hurt . Because that 's how it 'll go . I 'm just a girl . Until then , I will just see how it goes . Did I tell him that last paragraph ? Of course not . So , I decided I need to work on these things , and he 'll be my guinea pig . I need to be more open , say what I really feel , and not be afraid to say what I want . Because that might be what is keeping me from being in an actual relationship . We went to sleep , and woke up at ten . We just cuddled and kissed for the next hour or so , and eventually got up . He made breakfast , cooked eggs , talked some more and just took it easy . He dropped me off at the trains later , and off I went to lounge around in the sunshine . I felt kind of bad about the whole period thing . If we 're friends with benefits he kind of wasted a night with me , but I shoved the thought aside . So that 's the story ! I texted him on Friday after a couple of family visits that had not gone so well and he asked if I needed a shoulder to cry on . His intentions are good . The whole thing 's got me thinking about my ( non ) relationships . I don 't want to be alone , in with that , I need to be careful not to hang on to something for too long that 's not going to work . I have never been told ' I love you ' by a man , however sad that is . And in my quest to find something like it , I sometimes go a little overboard . ( I signed up for a paid dating site today ) And I date and date , yet I don 't really put myself out there . After all , who likes getting hurt ? Posted on July 7 , 2014 by Ella North Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat . He came to my town , which is always a plus . When I was waiting for him , I saw a guy come out of the parking garage , but doubting if it was him . Who would bring a dog to a date ? Well , he did . He came straight off a boat he had a job on , working boots , torn shirt , and paint all over himself , his beard and his clothes . Eh … ok . I 'm not judging . We went to my local bar , and sat outside . It was a little awkward at first . He was very relaxed , of the kind that doesn 't need conversation to have a good time . I kinda do . We talked a bit , silence . Talked a bit , silence . And I decided to not try so hard . He was on this date also . He didn 't ask a lot of questions , but told me bits and pieces about himself . I like the whole hippie thing , but he was on the other end of my universe . He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment , does not own anything except for his car and dog , plans on sailing the world one day , gets bored if he makes too much money , so whatever he earns goes into his own boat . He squats in an abandoned school to have an address , has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex - wife . I mean , wow . He seriously doesn 't give a fuck about anything . We called it a night after three drinks , I took him back to his car , got a big hug , and off he went . The next day , he messaged me on Tinder ( while he has my number ) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone , because he lost it . I hope he 's not insinuating I took it . Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine . After several rounds of sushi , she was up to date about the situation with the Stud , and we decided to go for drinks . We went to this totally laid back bar by the water , where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers , and get your own drinks . While my friend got the first round , two guys asked if they could join us . Absolutely . We ended up talking to them the whole night . My friend , who is engaged and has a child , hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids , so I was left talking to the most attractive , single one . By the time we looked at our watches , my friend freaked out as she 'd missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she 'd parked way out of town . The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride . So her new friend went to drop her off at her car , and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station . When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook , I figured it was save enough to ask for his number . By the time I was on the train , he had already found me , and so I sent him a message in return . Turns out he 's coming to my town on Friday , and asked if I wanted to do it again . Sure thing . Date it is ! And then there is the Stud of course . We have been in touch only a little , he 's been super busy working on the weekends . When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do . I told him we 'd do it when he was on holidays and relaxed . His holiday starts tomorrow , so should be soon ! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation , but I still have a hard time believing this , and I really don 't want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment .

It was a crisp summer 's morning high in the mountains of the Darst Range . Snow had fallen in the night to leave a trace of white on the ground . Nicodemus opened the door of his one room cabin and swept the small amount of snow from the doorway . Setting the broom against the wall , he smiled as he felt a familiar presence draw closer . He walked a few paces , saw that the snow hadn 't covered the ground everywhere , and stopped to watch the path that went by his home and wound itself along the top of the ridge . A stag slowly came into view . It was a young stag with a small set of antlers on its head and it walked calmly towards Nicodemus . Nicodemus watched as the stag drew nearer and felt its presence grow stronger in his mind . " There 's some hay left , " Nicodemus thought as he turned and walked around to the back of the cabin . He moved large pieces of bark to uncover the hay . The stag followed him around the back of the cabin and nudged Nicodemus ' elbow . Nicodemus thought that the stag enjoyed his company more than the food because food was still abundant in the forest . " Eat , " he thought and received what he had labeled as a thanks . It was sometimes hard to tell what animals thought or felt . Even after " speaking " with them for years , Nicodemus still did not understand many things . He brushed a scattering of snow off a large log and sat down to watch the stag eat . He didn 't understand why he could communicate with most animals , but he couldn 't communicate with people - even his parents . He had to point and show most of the time , since he couldn 't speak . It had been frustrating , especially since the animals understood his thoughts . He learned many things from his parents , though . His father helped him build this cabin and taught him how to take care of it - fix the roof , mud the holes in the logs , and various other small tasks . His mother tried to teach him how to cook , but he was never as good as she was . She showed him how to patch the holes in his clothes . It never worked , however , and he always brought them to her . Since the snow wasn 't as deep as he had thought , he decided to make the trip and visit them . It had been awhile since he was last there and they were always glad to see him . A loud squawking startled him . He looked up and watched as a squirrel descended the large oak tree above him . He felt the squirrel 's happiness at seeing him . It reached the base of the tree and ran over to Nicodemus . " Go on , " he told the squirrel , finally . " I have work to do . " Deciding that it wasn 't going to get scratched any more , the squirrel twitched its tail and jumped to the oak tree . After the squirrel left his lap , Nicodemus went back inside the cabin . He packed his clothes into a small sack and grabbed his walking staff . Shutting and latching the door , Nicodemus said good bye to the stag and started down the mountain . It wasn 't a long trip to his parent 's home . It took him less than a day to walk it . The shift in weather as he walked down the mountain was amazing . The lower he got , the warmer it became . It still filled him with wonder at how a shift in height could cause such changes in weather . As he neared his parent 's home , the wind carried the smell of cooking to him . His mother 's food always tasted good , but the only thing he had for comparison was his cooking . Thinking about the food , he hurried to the door . As he reached it , he remembered the last time he had burst into their home . It would not be good to catch them in a loving embrace again . That had been one of the most embarrassing moments in his life . His father had turned a bright shade of red that day . Thinking about it now , he smiled and knocked on the door . " Nico ? " his mother called . She emerged from the kitchen and hugged her son . " You knew I was making pies today , didn 't you ? " He shook his head no , but smiled at the thought of her delicious pies . " Nico , I heard of a man in Dargon City who teaches languages , " his father said . Nicodemus looked at his father and cocked his head in question . " Not just any language , Nico . He teaches something called ' handspeak ' . I was talking to a traveler some time ago , one thing led to another and this traveler told me about an amazing sight that he saw . He saw mute people talking to each other using their fingers ! " Nicodemus ' eyes went wide . He held up his hands and wiggled his fingers . " Yes , using fingers , " his father said . " We have a small bit of money saved , but if you 're interested , we 'll send you to Dargon City to learn it . " Nicodemus looked at his father in amazement . " They would spend their life savings on me ! " he thought . Nicodemus shook his head no . " I just can 't do it , " he thought . " Not with their money . " " Oh , Nico , we don 't mind , really , " his mother said knowing her son all too well . " We 're happy here and the money hasn 't been touched in years . " Nicodemus turned to his mother and shrugged as he pursed his lips . " You think about it , " she replied . " We 're planning on spending some of that money day after tomorrow . There 's a festival in Kenna . Would you like to go with us ? " his father asked . Nicodemus nodded his head . " A festival ! " he thought . " I wonder if they 'll have singing people ? " Nicodemus always enjoyed listening to people sing , especially his mother . She had a beautiful voice . He couldn 't believe all the amazing sounds that came out of her mouth when she sang . It was the one thing that he wished he could do . He always stood in awe as he listened to someone sing . When alone , he tried to make sounds come out of his mouth . All he ever got was air rushing out . He finally gave up after years of trying , but he never stopped thinking about the singing . The room was dark and she hated it . She hated him . She thought about her last attempt to escape his imprisonment as she waited for someone to unlock her door . There were still bruises from the beating she had received from his bodyguard , Darrin . She didn 't get many chances to run , but she took them when they appeared . He always kept a close watch on her , though . " Eliza , I 'm coming in , " Darrin warned as he opened the door . She sat on the bed and waited for him . Darrin opened the door and peered inside . When he saw that Elizabeth was on the bed , he entered the room . He was a large man . Cords of muscle ran down his arms and each leg was as thick as her waist . She had learned the hard way that he was very quick for his size . " He 's ready for you . Remember , when you serve the tea , touch the guy . If he 's telling the truth , you don 't have to say anything . If he 's lying , then you ask Gilliam , ' Is that all , M ' lord ? ' . Don 't mess this one up . It 's important . " " Is that all , M ' lord ? " Elizabeth asked mockingly . Darrin raised his hand to slap her , but remembered that she needed to be presentable this time . He smiled as he reached over and touched her instead . She felt his finger and a small shock went through her . Then his thoughts hit her . " Raffenraker scrud sucker ! * Whore * ! " Before she could recover , his emotions tore through her . His lust mixed with smug gloating overpowered her . She could feel his lust course through her . It pried into every corner of her soul and she tried to shake it loose . She lost her breath as she fought for control . His thoughts and emotions were gone , but the memory of them remained . She fought to forget them and concentrated on her breathing . " Breathe in , " she thought . " Breathe out . " " Come on ! We don 't want to be late , " Darrin said . She crawled off the bed as Darrin backed up . He motioned her to the door . She walked in front of him down the hallway . Opening a door , they walked into the kitchen . The cook had the tea prepared and ready for her . She took the tray and went into Gilliam 's study . As Darrin opened the door for her , she saw two men seated at a table . Gilliam was sitting with his back to her and the other merchant was facing her . She walked into the room and stood by Gilliam . " So , Charles , you 're not trying to sell me broken merchandise at a high price , are you ? " Gilliam asked as Elizabeth moved to set the tea down by Charles . As she set the tea down in front of Charles , she touched his hand . There was a small shock and his thoughts filled her mind . " … merchandise is of the highest quality . And a high price ? I 'm barely making a profit , you old rat … " His emotions followed next , but she was prepared for them . " Breathe , " she thought . They filled her mind , but she held control . Injured pride . Pompousness . Arrogance . Vanity . She straightened and set a cup of tea by Gilliam , careful not to touch him . Taking the tray , she went back into the kitchen followed by Darrin . " You did good this time , " he told her . " Gilliam should be pleased . " They waited at a table in the kitchen for Gilliam to conclude his business . " His merchandise is very high quality . He 's not making much of a profit on this deal . He 's vain , pompous , and arrogant , " she stated . " I thought so , but I needed to make sure , " Gilliam said . " Darrin , put her in the guest room . Let her have a book or two ; she deserves it . Oh , and Darrin , get the carriage ready . We 're going to be taking a trip to Magnus . " Nicodemus walked with his parents down Kenna 's main street . He remembered a few years ago when Kenna wasn 't big enough to have a main street . The Kenna family had picked a good place to build a stopping port for the river boats . The place had grown slowly at first , but when a few of the farmers brought their goods to the Kenna family to sell , the town grew rapidly . More boats started docking and buying local goods to take to Dargon City to sell . Merchants opened businesses on Kenna 's land and the area became a village . Now though , Kenna could be called a town . Nicodemus looked around in wonder as he noticed many new shops , inns , and streets . " And the people ! " he thought . Maybe it was just because of the festival , but there were a great number of people in Kenna . " We 'll be over here , then , " Hank said pointing to the crowd . " Come on Nicodemus , let 's see what 's so exciting . " Nicodemus and his father walked to the outside of the crowd . It took them a few moments to make their way far enough in to see . There was a man in the center . The crowd had given him some space , and he was jumping around . No , Nicodemus corrected himself . He was doing more than just jumping around . Nicodemus ' eyes opened wide in disbelief as the man jumped , rolled , and did many flips in the air . Nicodemus couldn 't believe that anyone was capable of doing what the man did . He would run a short distance , jump in the air , and do two or three flips before landing on his feet . The man moved to one side of the crowd . He flipped forward again and again until he was right in front of the crowd on the other side . The crowd tried to move back , but Nicodemus saw that there was no need . The man flipped to his feet right in front of the crowd and instead of flipping forward , he did a high backward flip to land on his feet . The crowd cheered . " … jumps , flips … show , another one is set for tomorrow … Balor … " was all Nicodemus could catch because the crowd was noisy . Nicodemus watched as the man - Balor something , he guessed - left and Elijah Kenna stepped in . The crowd quieted . " What an amazing show ! That was Balor Hardwin , friends and folk . I want to thank everyone again for coming to our first annual anniversary of becoming a village . Now , we didn 't have a set day that we started calling this place the village of Kenna , but me and the wife decided to celebrate the growth of this place with our marriage anniversary . Nicodemus couldn 't believe his luck . There was going to be singing . He wondered what kind of songs they were going to sing . He had heard a man sing in an inn one day , but the only woman he had ever heard sing was his mother . She sang short verses of songs that her mother had taught her . She always had trouble remembering all of the song , so she mostly sang the chorus and a small bit of the verse . Nicodemus ' attention shifted back to the center of the circle as the three women entered it . Two of them looked a lot alike , and he concluded that they must be sisters . The third woman stepped in front of the other two . They hummed separately , briefly , before they started . Their humming blended together and then the woman in front began to sing . Her voice was rough and a little deep , but she sang well . She was singing a ballad of some sort and the two sisters were echoing some of the words behind her . It was a song about some people and their deeds in the war . The ballad suited her voice Nicodemus decided . When the song ended , the crowd haloo - ed . One of the sisters stepped forward . She was thinner and taller than the other one . He wished he would have listened more closely and gotten their names . " Silly chipmunk , " he chided himself . The sister cleared her throat and began . She sang a quick tempoed ditty . Her voice was high and sharp . She danced around as she sang . The two in the back twirled around and grabbed each others hands as they danced . When she was done singing , the three of them sang a ballad together . Nicodemus couldn 't quite hear what the last woman 's voice was like . The other two covered her voice up most of the time . When they were finished , the crowd haloo - ed again . The third woman stepped forward and the other two took a step back behind her . When she started singing , Nicodemus was instantly enchanted . Her voice was soft and melodious . There was a haunting echo in it and she sounded like two people singing at the same time . The other women were humming in the background to match her singing . Her voice seemed to stretch from her soul and waft out to embrace him . She was singing a slow sad song about the children caught in the attack on Magnus . Her voice cried out in tears as she sang about children dying . She sang of Stevene looking on Magnus and of his sadness at the cruelties of men . She sang from the depths of her soul and when she was done , silence covered the area . Nicodemus sighed and found himself leaning forward as if to catch her every word . He settled back and knew that if he could speak , he would ask her to sing again . The crowd shuffled and whispers could be heard . The woman turned and walked away . The crowd parted to let her through and the other two women followed . Elijah walked into the open circle . " Brings tears to yer eyes , it does . While we set up for the wrestling , we have horse races on the other end of town that are going to start soon . There 's gambling on the ship from Magnus - sorry , I forgot her name . You can 't miss it , though . It 's the biggest one there . And for you young , strong men , the wrestling contest starts right here as soon as we can clear the crowd out some . " " That was sad , " Delia said from behind them . Nicodemus turned around and saw his mother with a basket in her hands . His father turned also , and then took the basket from her . " I don 't know . There are a lot of people standing in the middle of the road . We won 't be able to get through them , though . There should be side roads to go around them , sir , " Darrin answered . " No , I 'm curious , " Gilliam said . " Kenna was just an annoyance on the road before . If there is something here to draw these people , I want to know . I had heard some merchants mention Kenna before , but they weren 't important people and I dismissed their conversations . I remember them and it looks like I may have to pay them a visit when I get back . " " Good ! Darrin will accompany you as always , though , " he told her . The three of them climbed out of the carriage and walked toward the slowly dispersing crowd . " Two of them . The River 's Edge is just over there , " he said pointing . " The other one 's on down the road . It 's a little more costly , though . The name of it is the Wayside Retreat . " " I believe that 's the one we want , " Gilliam said as he started walking down the road . " Darrin , take Eliza and bring the carriage . Get rooms for us . I 'll be along shortly . I want to find out more about this Kenna . It may prove a better route for shipping our merchandise . " Elizabeth walked back to the carriage with Darrin . She looked at the village as they rode to the Wayside Retreat . It was a small village but there were so many people here that she wondered what was special about it . She could only guess that being on the Coldwell river at the edge of the Darst Range brought in farmers and trappers with their goods . The Wayside Retreat was a fairly nice inn for being in a small village . It wasn 't as nice as some of the inns in Dargon City or Magnus , but it had an air of home about it . The only problem was that all the rooms were taken . " I need two rooms . One of the rooms must have two beds in it . I 'll pay you a silver more if you can get two adjoining rooms for me , " Darrin told the innkeeper . The innkeeper 's eyes widened slightly . " If you can wait but a moment , I 'll check on some of my guests . I think a few of them are almost ready to depart . " Gilliam showed up before the innkeeper 's return and found them sitting at a table waiting . " Acceptable . It 's an interesting town and may prove useful . Offer two silver if you need to , " Gilliam said . " Have you ordered food ? " " Yes . They had a busy evening and had to prepare more food . I 've ordered us some stew . And a wine for you , " Darrin told him . They were halfway through their meal when the innkeeper finally returned . He told them that two guests had suddenly decided to stay elsewhere and two adjoining rooms had opened up . After paying for the rooms plus a silver , the innkeeper sent a boy to take their bags to the rooms . " The food was rather good , " Gilliam said as he finished his meal . " The wine , however , was not . Eliza , shall we retire for the night ? " " In the years that we have been together , you still impress me . There 's a fire in you that I doubt I could contain . If you weren 't so valuable , I would try , though there may come a day when you aren 't so valuable , Eliza . Remember that , " Gilliam warned . " Now come , we 're retiring for the night . " Gilliam got up from the table and went to his room . There were two beds in the room . He moved his bed to where it was in front of the door . " It is the same as always when we 're on the road , Eliza . You have your own bed as long as you don 't try to escape . If you do try , you 'll sleep next to me . Are we clear on that ? " " Yes , " she said as she crawled into the bed in her clothes . She had gotten used to sleeping in them rather than give him any pleasure . It was awhile before she heard Darrin enter his room . She could tell he was drunk and that he wasn 't alone . She decided that there was one advantage to being in Gilliam 's room while they were traveling . The next day turned out beautiful . They had gotten up late and Gilliam had even given her some privacy to freshen up . She washed and changed clothes while Darrin stood outside the door . " Eliza , I 'm coming in , " he told her . She smiled as she waited for him to open the door . Ever since she had hit him with a table leg , he was cautious entering her room . She was sitting on the bed as the door swung open . Darrin looked in at her and then waved her out . They ate a large breakfast and then went outside . The activities had started and they made their way toward it . They made their way to the crowd , and Gilliam seemed genuinely interested in the town . She could tell he was thinking of how to turn the town into a profit for him . As they approached the center of town , she saw a man doing flips and rolls to one side . He wasn 't part of the main activity ( she couldn 't see what that was because of people ) , but he looked to be practicing for it . She watched as Gilliam walked toward the man . Darrin was looking at some woman in the crowd and he didn 't notice the man , either . She didn 't know what to do . Should she warn Gilliam that he was walking right into the flipping man 's path ? She decided not to and waited for the outcome . Gilliam walked right into the man as he landed from a flip . Both went down tangled together . She watched as Darrin reacted and reached for the man . Her brain screamed , " Run ! " . She did . She ran as fast as she could . " After her ! " she heard Gilliam shout . She glanced back and saw the flipping man and Darrin get tangled up just as Gilliam had . She had no time to wonder about her strange luck as she turned a corner and ran . There weren 't many buildings , but she used them as cover as she headed out of town . She didn 't know where to go , but anywhere was better than with Gilliam . She gave a silent thanks to the flipping man when she stopped running . She didn 't know where she was , but she knew that she was safe . More importantly , she was free . It was late when they reached their home , and Nicodemus decided to stay overnight . His parents readied themselves for bed quickly , and he was awake long after they were asleep . He replayed the songs in his mind over and over again until sleep finally overtook him . " Nicodemus ? " his mother called and the sound brought with it the smell of freshly baked bread . He smiled , stretched , and got out of bed . Standing , he realized that he had slept in his clothes from yesterday . " There 's water in the basin for you , " his mother said . She must have checked on him earlier this morning . He found the basin of water in the main room and took it to his bedroom . After washing , he changed to a clean set of clothes and joined his mother in the kitchen . His father had gotten up earlier to get ready for work in the fields and was gone . Nicodemus knew that both of his parents had eaten then , so he ate breakfast alone while his mother sewed . " Nico , are you leaving today ? " his mother asked . He nodded yes . " Your father thought you would . He gives his love , " she told him and stopped sewing to look at him . Nicodemus nodded and placed both hands over the middle of his chest . " I 'll tell him , " she said and started sewing again . He watched her sew as he ate breakfast . She looked like she was making a shirt for his father . It was a sturdy , rough material and she cut out large sections of it to sew - much too large to fit her . When he finished , he went to his room and packed . His mother came in and gave him some biscuits and smoked meat . She hugged him once and then went back to her sewing . She never did like good - byes . Nico took his pack and walked outside . The sun was just above the horizon and it looked to be the start of a beautiful day . He started walking for the foot of the mountains , mentally humming the songs from yesterday . The ground was getting hilly , and he followed a stream that came from deep in the mountains . He had traveled this way back to his cabin many times and it was almost second nature to him . Because of this and because he was remembering the singing , he wasn 't watching where he was going very carefully . As he topped a hill , he almost ran into a woman . She was looking back over her shoulder and didn 't see Nico in front of her . Her clothes were dirty and torn , her hair was tangled with bits of leaves in it , and her arms had long , thin red scratches . Nico was about to step out of her way , but she tripped in his direction . He put his arms out to catch her when she turned her head around . Her arms went forward automatically to protect herself , but when she saw Nico , her eyes went wide and she tried to pull her arms in . She got them halfway back to her body before she fell into him . Nico saw fear and horror in her eyes as she fell . He didn 't mean to scare her , but he couldn 't just let her fall on the ground and hurt herself . As he caught her , he watched the terror leave her eyes and then she passed out . Elizabeth knew she had been lucky to get away from Gilliam , but now she was in the wilderness and lost . She had never been in the forest before and she jumped at every sound . When a deer had bolted from right beside her , she screamed , tripped , and fell down the hill into a briar patch . Cursing her luck , she picked the thorns out of her skin and continued on in a direction that she hoped was away from Kenna . Night fell and she found a level place to sleep . She curled up into a ball and settled in for the night . When an owl hooted , she bolted upright . Just when she settled back down , a branch broke close to her . She could hear something walking in the darkness , but she couldn 't see it . As the noise of the animal faded away , Elizabeth relaxed slightly . When she started to fall asleep again , the owl came back and woke her . It continued throughout the night , and when morning came , she hadn 't gotten much sleep . When the sun came into view , she started walking again . She didn 't really want to go out of the mountain because she knew that Gilliam would be in the valley looking for her , but she knew that she couldn 't stay here long , so she started making her way down to the valley . As she walked through the forest , she felt like she was being watched . She looked around , but didn 't see anything . The feeling never left her , and she would periodically look around . It was at one of these times that she tripped . She started to fall , and when she turned her head back to the front , she saw a man standing there . His arms were out to catch her . More than the fear that he was connected to Gilliam was the fact that she was going to touch him . " No ! " her mind screamed . She tried to pull back but it was too late . She felt the familiar jolt go through her . " … can 't let her hurt herself , " she heard him think . She prepared herself for what was to follow next - his emotions . A wave of something washed over her , but it wasn 't what she had expected . Instead of rough , raw emotions , she got something warm , soft , and relaxed . It was as if she was floating on a cloud that softly wrapped itself around her to protect and comfort her . She felt safe in that cloud , so she gave in to it and passed out in its loving embrace . Dargon ThingsThings are Dargon - specific characters , places , or items unique to the world of Dargon . The Things below appear in this story . You may click on one to see its definition and the stories in which it appears : CharlesColdwellDargonDarrinDarst Rangehand - speakHardwin , BalorHytheworde , GilliamKennaKenna , ElijahKenna , MarielMagnusMickraffenrakerRiver 's EdgeRoselyn , Elizabethscrud - suckerStevene , CephasThorne , DeliaThorne , HankThorne , NicodemusWayside RetreatYule Search Avatars by Sterling Adventures DargonZine is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution - NoDerivs - NonCommercial License . Reproduction of issues or any portions thereof for profit is forbidden . We welcome new readers and writers interested in joining the project . Please address all correspondence to [ dargon @ dargonzine . org ] .

Mrs . John Emerson , sitting with her needlework beside the window , looked out and saw Mrs . Rhoda Meserve coming down the street , and knew at once by the trend of her steps and the cant of her head that she meditated turning in at her gate . She also knew by a certain something about her general carriage - a thrusting forward of the neck , a bustling hitch of the shoulders - that she had important news . Rhoda Meserve always had the news as soon as the news was in being , and generally Mrs . John Emerson was the first to whom she imparted it . The two women had been friends ever since Mrs . Meserve had married Simon Meserve and come to the village to live . Mrs . Meserve was a pretty woman , moving with graceful flirts of ruffling skirts ; her clear - cut , nervous face , as delicately tinted as a shell , looked brightly from the plumy brim of a black hat at Mrs . Emerson in the window . Mrs . Emerson was glad to see her coming . She returned the greeting with enthusiasm , then rose hurriedly , ran into the cold parlour and brought out one of the best rocking - chairs . She was just in time , after drawing it up beside the opposite window , to greet her friend at the door . " Good - afternoon , " said she . " I declare , I 'm real glad to see you . I 've been alone all day . John went to the city this morning . I thought of coming over to your house this afternoon , but I couldn 't bring my sewing very well . I am putting the ruffles on my new black dress skirt . " " I 'm real glad you did , " repeated Mrs . Emerson . " Take your things right off . Here , I 'll put them on my bed in the bedroom . Take the rocking - chair . " " I rather guess it is . It takes me a week every minute I can get to make one . I wish those that bought such things for twenty - five cents had to make them . Guess they 'd sing another song . Well , I suppose I oughtn 't to complain as long as it is for the Lord , but sometimes it does seem as if the Lord didn 't get much out of it . " The two women rocked and sewed and crocheted in silence for two or three minutes . They were both waiting . Mrs . Meserve waited for the other 's curiosity to develop in order that her news might have , as it were , a befitting stage entrance . Mrs . Emerson waited for the news . Finally she could wait no longer . " Well , Simon says my face is so expressive I can 't hide anything more than five minutes no matter how hard I try , " said she . " Well , there is some news . Simon came home with it this noon . He heard it in South Dayton . He had some business over there this morning . The old Sargent place is let . " " Why , some folks from Boston that moved to South Dayton last year . They haven 't been satisfied with the house they had there - it wasn 't large enough . The man has got considerable property and can afford to live pretty well . He 's got a wife and his unmarried sister in the family . The sister 's got money , too . He does business in Boston and it 's just as easy to get to Boston from here as from South Dayton , and so they 're coming here . You know the old Sargent house is a splendid place . " " Oh , Simon said they told him about that and he just laughed . Said he wasn 't afraid and neither was his wife and sister . Said he 'd risk ghosts rather than little tucked - up sleeping - rooms without any sun , like they 've had in the Dayton house . Said he 'd rather risk SEEING ghosts , than risk being ghosts themselves . Simon said they said he was a great hand to joke . " " Oh , well , " said Mrs . Emerson , " it is a beautiful house , and maybe there isn 't anything in those stories . It never seemed to me they came very straight anyway . I never took much stock in them . All I thought was - if his wife was nervous . " " Nothing in creation would hire me to go into a house that I 'd ever heard a word against of that kind , " declared Mrs . Meserve with emphasis . " I wouldn 't go into that house if they would give me the rent . I 've seen enough of haunted houses to last me as long as I live . " " I never told anybody but Simon , " said Mrs . Meserve . " I never felt as if it was wise perhaps . I didn 't know what folks might think . So many don 't believe in anything they can 't understand , that they might think my mind wasn 't right . Simon advised me not to talk about it . He said he didn 't believe it was anything supernatural , but he had to own up that he couldn 't give any explanation for it to save his life . He had to own up that he didn 't believe anybody could . Then he said he wouldn 't talk about it . He said lots of folks would sooner tell folks my head wasn 't right than to own up they couldn 't see through it . " " Of course , " said she , " I ain 't going to say positively that I believe or disbelieve in ghosts , but all I tell you is what I saw . I can 't explain it . I don 't pretend I can , for I can 't . If you can , well and good ; I shall be glad , for it will stop tormenting me as it has done and always will otherwise . There hasn 't been a day nor a night since it happened that I haven 't thought of it , and always I have felt the shivers go down my back when I did . " " Ain 't it ? Well , it happened before I was married , when I was a girl and lived in East Wilmington . It was the first year I lived there . You know my family all died five years before that . I told you . " " Well , I went there to teach school , and I went to board with a Mrs . Amelia Dennison and her sister , Mrs . Bird . Abby , her name was - Abby Bird . She was a widow ; she had never had any children . She had a little money - Mrs . Dennison didn 't have any - and she had come to East Wilmington and bought the house they lived in . It was a real pretty house , though it was very old and run down . It had cost Mrs . Bird a good deal to put it in order . I guess that was the reason they took me to board . I guess they thought it would help along a little . I guess what I paid for my board about kept us all in victuals . Mrs . Bird had enough to live on if they were careful , but she had spent so much fixing up the old house that they must have been a little pinched for awhile . " Anyhow , they took me to board , and I thought I was pretty lucky to get in there . I had a nice room , big and sunny and furnished pretty , the paper and paint all new , and everything as neat as wax . Mrs . Dennison was one of the best cooks I ever saw , and I had a little stove in my room , and there was always a nice fire there when I got home from school . I thought I hadn 't been in such a nice place since I lost my own home , until I had been there about three weeks . " Well , I went there in September . I begun my school the first Monday . I remember it was a real cold fall , there was a frost the middle of September , and I had to put on my winter coat . I remember when I came home that night ( let me see , I began school on a Monday , and that was two weeks from the next Thursday ) , I took off my coat downstairs and laid it on the table in the front entry . It was a real nice coat - heavy black broadcloth trimmed with fur ; I had had it the winter before . Mrs . Bird called after me as I went upstairs that I ought not to leave it in the front entry for fear somebody might come in and take it , but I only laughed and called back to her that I wasn 't afraid . I never was much afraid of burglars . " Well , though it was hardly the middle of September , it was a real cold night . I remember my room faced west , and the sun was getting low , and the sky was a pale yellow and purple , just as you see it sometimes in the winter when there is going to be a cold snap . I rather think that was the night the frost came the first time . I know Mrs . Dennison covered up some flowers she had in the front yard , anyhow . I remember looking out and seeing an old green plaid shawl of hers over the verbena bed . There was a fire in my little wood - stove . Mrs . Bird made it , I know . She was a real motherly sort of woman ; she always seemed to be the happiest when she was doing something to make other folks happy and comfortable . Mrs . Dennison told me she had always been so . She said she had coddled her husband within an inch of his life . ' It 's lucky Abby never had any children , ' she said , ' for she would have spoilt them . ' " Well , that night I sat down beside my nice little fire and ate an apple . There was a plate of nice apples on my table . Mrs . Bird put them there . I was always very fond of apples . Well , I sat down and ate an apple , and was having a beautiful time , and thinking how lucky I was to have got board in such a place with such nice folks , when I heard a queer little sound at my door . It was such a little hesitating sort of sound that it sounded more like a fumble than a knock , as if some one very timid , with very little hands , was feeling along the door , not quite daring to knock . For a minute I thought it was a mouse . But I waited and it came again , and then I made up my mind it was a knock , but a very little scared one , so I said , ' Come in . ' " Well , I opened the door , and the first thing I noticed was a draught of cold air , as if the front door downstairs was open , but there was a strange close smell about the cold draught . It smelled more like a cellar that had been shut up for years , than out - of - doors . Then I saw something . I saw my coat first . The thing that held it was so small that I couldn 't see much of anything else . Then I saw a little white face with eyes so scared and wishful that they seemed as if they might eat a hole in anybody 's heart . It was a dreadful little face , with something about it which made it different from any other face on earth , but it was so pitiful that somehow it did away a good deal with the dreadfulness . And there were two little hands spotted purple with the cold , holding up my winter coat , and a strange little far - away voice said : ' I can 't find my mother . ' " All the time I could smell the cold and I saw that it was about the child ; that cold was clinging to her as if she had come out of some deadly cold place . Well , I took my coat , I did not know what else to do , and the cold was clinging to that . It was as cold as if it had come off ice . When I had the coat I could see the child more plainly . She was dressed in one little white garment made very simply . It was a nightgown , only very long , quite covering her feet , and I could see dimly through it her little thin body mottled purple with the cold . Her face did not look so cold ; that was a clear waxen white . Her hair was dark , but it looked as if it might be dark only because it was so damp , almost wet , and might really be light hair . It clung very close to her forehead , which was round and white . She would have been very beautiful if she had not been so dreadful . " ' What are you ? ' says I . Then she went away . She did not seem to run or walk like other children . She flitted , like one of those little filmy white butterflies , that don 't seem like real ones they are so light , and move as if they had no weight . But she looked back from the head of the stairs . ' I can 't find my mother , ' said she , and I never heard such a voice . " Well , I thought for a moment I should faint away . The room got dark and I heard a singing in my ears . Then I flung my coat onto the bed . My hands were as cold as ice from holding it , and I stood in my door , and called first Mrs . Bird and then Mrs . Dennison . I didn 't dare go down over the stairs where that had gone . It seemed to me I should go mad if I didn 't see somebody or something like other folks on the face of the earth . I thought I should never make anybody hear , but I could hear them stepping about downstairs , and I could smell biscuits baking for supper . Somehow the smell of those biscuits seemed the only natural thing left to keep me in my right mind . I didn 't dare go over those stairs . I just stood there and called , and finally I heard the entry door open and Mrs . Bird called back : " ' It was a child I have never seen here before . It looked like a child , ' says I , ' but I never saw a child so dreadful , and it had on a nightgown , and said she couldn 't find her mother . Who was it ? What was it ? ' " I thought for a minute Mrs . Dennison was going to faint , but Mrs . Bird hung onto her and rubbed her hands , and whispered in her ear ( she had the cooingest kind of voice ) , and I ran and got her a glass of cold water . I tell you it took considerable courage to go downstairs alone , but they had set a lamp on the entry table so I could see . I don 't believe I could have spunked up enough to have gone downstairs in the dark , thinking every second that child might be close to me . The lamp and the smell of the biscuits baking seemed to sort of keep my courage up , but I tell you I didn 't waste much time going down those stairs and out into the kitchen for a glass of water . I pumped as if the house was afire , and I grabbed the first thing I came across in the shape of a tumbler : it was a painted one that Mrs . Dennison 's Sunday school class gave her , and it was meant for a flower vase . " ' I 'm all over it now , ' says she , but she was terribly white , and her eyes looked as if they saw something outside things . Mrs . Bird wasn 't much better , but she always had a sort of settled sweet , good look that nothing could disturb to any great extent . I knew I looked dreadful , for I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass , and I would hardly have known who it was . " ' That isn 't much , ' said Mrs . Dennison with a dying - away sort of sigh . She looked as if she might faint away again any minute . She was a real delicate - looking woman , but it turned out she was a good deal stronger than poor Mrs . Bird . " They hadn 't any sooner fairly bought the house , and moved into it , than they began to see and hear things . Mrs . Bird said they were sitting together in the sitting - room one evening when they heard it the first time . She said her sister was knitting lace ( Mrs . Dennison made beautiful knitted lace ) and she was reading the Missionary Herald ( Mrs . Bird was very much interested in mission work ) , when all of a sudden they heard something . She heard it first and she laid down her Missionary Herald and listened , and then Mrs . Dennison she saw her listening and she drops her lace . ' What is it you are listening to , Abby ? ' says she . Then it came again and they both heard , and the cold shivers went down their backs to hear it , though they didn 't know why . ' It 's the cat , isn 't it ? ' says Mrs . Bird . " ' Oh , I guess it MUST be the cat ; maybe she 's got a mouse , ' says Mrs . Bird , real cheerful , to calm down Mrs . Dennison , for she saw she was ' most scared to death , and she was always afraid of her fainting away . Then she opens the door and calls , ' Kitty , kitty , kitty ! ' They had brought their cat with them in a basket when they came to East Wilmington to live . It was a real handsome tiger cat , a tommy , and he knew a lot . " ' Somethin 's got hold of that cat 's tail , ' says Mrs . Dennison . ' Somethin 's got hold of his tail . It 's pulled straight out , an ' he can 't get away . Just hear him yawl ! ' " Well , she was so dumfounded that she didn 't know what to do , and she couldn 't sense at first that it was anything supernatural . She thought it must be one of the neighbour 's children who had run away and was making free of their house , and was teasing their cat , and that they must be just nervous to feel so upset by it . So she speaks up sort of sharp . " ' Don 't you know that you mustn 't pull the kitty 's tail ? ' says she . ' Don 't you know you hurt the poor kitty , and she 'll scratch you if you don 't take care . Poor kitty , you mustn 't hurt her . ' " Then the child looks up and stops stroking the cat , and says she can 't find her mother , just the way she said it to me . Then Mrs . Dennison she gave such a gasp that Mrs . Bird thought she was going to faint away , but she didn 't . ' Well , who is your mother ? ' says she . But the child just says again ' I can 't find my mother - I can 't find my mother . ' " Well , that was the way it was . Nothing happened . Those two women stood there hanging onto each other , and the child stood in front of them , and they asked her questions , and everything she would say was : ' I can 't find my mother . ' " She tried to catch the child . She had an idea of putting a shawl around it and going out - she was such a little thing she could have carried her easy enough - and trying to find out to which of the neighbours she belonged . But the minute she moved toward the child there wasn 't any child there ; there was only that little voice seeming to come from nothing , saying ' I can 't find my mother , ' and presently that died away . " Well , that same thing kept happening , or something very much the same . Once in awhile Mrs . Bird would be washing dishes , and all at once the child would be standing beside her with the dish - towel , wiping them . Of course , that was terrible . Mrs . Bird would wash the dishes all over . Sometimes she didn 't tell Mrs . Dennison , it made her so nervous . Sometimes when they were making cake they would find the raisins all picked over , and sometimes little sticks of kindling - wood would be found laying beside the kitchen stove . They never knew when they would come across that child , and always she kept saying over and over that she couldn 't find her mother . They never tried talking to her , except once in awhile Mrs . Bird would get desperate and ask her something , but the child never seemed to hear it ; she always kept right on saying that she couldn 't find her mother . " After they had told me all they had to tell about their experience with the child , they told me about the house and the people that had lived there before they did . It seemed something dreadful had happened in that house . And the land agent had never let on to them . I don 't think they would have bought it if he had , no matter how cheap it was , for even if folks aren 't really afraid of anything , they don 't want to live in houses where such dreadful things have happened that you keep thinking about them . I know after they told me I should never have stayed there another night , if I hadn 't thought so much of them , no matter how comfortable I was made ; and I never was nervous , either . But I stayed . Of course , it didn 't happen in my room . If it had I could not have stayed . " " It was an awful thing . That child had lived in the house with her father and mother two years before . They had come - or the father had - from a real good family . He had a good situation : he was a drummer for a big leather house in the city , and they lived real pretty , with plenty to do with . But the mother was a real wicked woman . She was as handsome as a picture , and they said she came from good sort of people enough in Boston , but she was bad clean through , though she was real pretty spoken and most everybody liked her . She used to dress out and make a great show , and she never seemed to take much interest in the child , and folks began to say she wasn 't treated right . " The woman had a hard time keeping a girl . For some reason one wouldn 't stay . They would leave and then talk about her awfully , telling all kinds of things . People didn 't believe it at first ; then they began to . They said that the woman made that little thing , though she wasn 't much over five years old , and small and babyish for her age , do most of the work , what there was done ; they said the house used to look like a pig - sty when she didn 't have help . They said the little thing used to stand on a chair and wash dishes , and they 'd seen her carrying in sticks of wood most as big as she was many a time , and they 'd heard her mother scolding her . The woman was a fine singer , and had a voice like a screech - owl when she scolded . " But that was very easy to say ; it wouldn 't have been so easy to find anybody who would have been willing to tell him such a thing as that , especially when they weren 't any too sure . He set his eyes by his wife , too . They said all he seemed to think of was to earn money to buy things to deck her out in . And he about worshiped the child , too . They said he was a real nice man . The men that are treated so bad mostly are real nice men . I 've always noticed that . " Well , one morning that man that there had been whispers about was missing . He had been gone quite a while , though , before they really knew that he was missing , because he had gone away and told his wife that he had to go to New York on business and might be gone a week , and not to worry if he didn 't get home , and not to worry if he didn 't write , because he should be thinking from day to day that he might take the next train home and there would be no use in writing . So the wife waited , and she tried not to worry until it was two days over the week , then she run into a neighbour 's and fainted dead away on the floor ; and then they made inquiries and found out that he had skipped - with some money that didn 't belong to him , too . " Well , there was this house shut up , and the man and woman missing and the child . Then all of a sudden one of the women that lived the nearest remembered something . She remembered that she had waked up three nights running , thinking she heard a child crying somewhere , and once she waked up her husband , but he said it must be the Bisbees ' little girl , and she thought it must be . The child wasn 't well and was always crying . It used to have colic spells , especially at night . So she didn 't think any more about it until this came up , then all of a sudden she did think of it . She told what she had heard , and finally folks began to think they had better enter that house and see if there was anything wrong . " Yes , they found that poor child there , starved to death , and frozen , though they weren 't sure she had frozen to death , for she was in bed with clothes enough to keep her pretty warm when she was alive . But she had been there a week , and she was nothing but skin and bone . It looked as if the mother had locked her into the house when she went away , and told her not to make any noise for fear the neighbours would hear her and find out that she herself had gone . " Mrs . Dennison said she couldn 't really believe that the woman had meant to have her own child starved to death . Probably she thought the little thing would raise somebody , or folks would try to get in the house and find her . Well , whatever she thought , there the child was , dead . " But that wasn 't all . The father came home , right in the midst of it ; the child was just buried , and he was beside himself . And - he went on the track of his wife , and he found her , and he shot her dead ; it was in all the papers at the time ; then he disappeared . Nothing had been seen of him since . Mrs . Dennison said that she thought he had either made way with himself or got out of the country , nobody knew , but they did know there was something wrong with the house . " Yes , I saw it a number of times before the last time . It was lucky I wasn 't nervous , or I never could have stayed there , much as I liked the place and much as I thought of those two women ; they were beautiful women , and no mistake . I loved those women . I hope Mrs . Dennison will come and see me sometime . " Well , I stayed , and I never knew when I 'd see that child . I got so I was very careful to bring everything of mine upstairs , and not leave any little thing in my room that needed doing , for fear she would come lugging up my coat or hat or gloves or I 'd find things done when there 'd been no live being in the room to do them . I can 't tell you how I dreaded seeing her ; and worse than the seeing her was the hearing her say , ' I can 't find my mother . ' It was enough to make your blood run cold . I never heard a living child cry for its mother that was anything so pitiful as that dead one . It was enough to break your heart . " But Mrs . Dennison told her she didn 't think she ought to speak so nor even think so , and Mrs . Bird said she shouldn 't wonder if she was right . Mrs . Bird was always very easy to put in the wrong . She was a good woman , and one that couldn 't do things enough for other folks . It seemed as if that was what she lived on . I don 't think she was ever so scared by that poor little ghost , as much as she pitied it , and she was ' most heartbroken because she couldn 't do anything for it , as she could have done for a live child . " ' It seems to me sometimes as if I should die if I can 't get that awful little white robe off that child and get her in some clothes and feed her and stop her looking for her mother , ' I heard her say once , and she was in earnest . She cried when she said it . That wasn 't long before she died . " Now I am coming to the strangest part of it all . Mrs . Bird died very sudden . One morning - it was Saturday , and there wasn 't any school - I went downstairs to breakfast , and Mrs . Bird wasn 't there ; there was nobody but Mrs . Dennison . She was pouring out the coffee when I came in . ' Why , where 's Mrs . Bird ? ' says I . " ' Yes , I guess she has , ' says Mrs . Dennison . ' I guess she 's got cold . She 'll be up before long . Abby ain 't one to stay in bed a minute longer than she can help . ' " ' Why , Abby 's crazy ! ' says she . ' There she is out this bitter cold morning , and - and - ' She didn 't finish , but she meant the child . For we were both looking out , and we saw , as plain as we ever saw anything in our lives , Mrs . Abby Bird walking off over the white snow - path with that child holding fast to her hand , nestling close to her as if she had found her own mother . I think I understand . It required reading . I know , reading is hard . You can probably also pick it up on audio from Audible . com , then all you 'll have to do is listen . For more about Todd Atteberry . . . click here . High Spirits : Haunted and Historic TravelGothic TravelAnswering Glastonbury 's call Climbing Glastonbury Tor in search of the divine Hanging out amongst the spirits at Glastonbury 's George and Pilgrim Hotel Gothic Horror StoriesClassic Gothic Ghost StoriesThe Ash Tree by M . R . James A history of winter tales and Christmas ghost stories , to make the blood run wintery cold The Kit Bag by Algernon Blackwood A Witch 's GardenWitch 's Garden FeatureWhy a moon garden ? Why a moon garden # 3 : Brugmansia tree bursts into bloom and lights up the moon garden The Witch 's Garden reborn : Taming the feral beast for a new spring The History TrekkerDear Mr . Musk : Before starting your own Utopia , perhaps you should take a look at history ? Is it really the House of the Seven Gables ? Perhaps , perhaps not . Either way the Turner - Ingersoll mansion in Salem breathes New England history The right to bear arms , the right to regulate guns , both guaranteed by the second amendment - a guarantee of conflict More Todd stuff The photos that appear on this site , as well as a multitude more for those with dark tastes are for sale and can be purchased through wytcheryart . com , which also features the extraordinary art of UK photographer Cate Davies

At the entrance you found a calendar to your right from 2014 . The year was 2016 . Without missing it , a red 10 x 30 canvas with pretty , melancholic , blue flowers hung , inviting you in . The bed could fit two people , it seemed perfect for the current situation . I could almost make ourselves out laying there , embracing each other . It had not happened yet , but I could see us . White walls . At the head of the bed there was a single small window with wooden blinds . At the end of the bed there was a TV held by a large drawer , where he kept his clothes perfectly folded . One day I opened my eyes looking at the ceiling . I sat up and looked around the four walls of the room and realized the interior had my name written all over . There was not a corner of the safe - haven that did not have something I had given him . The love was apparent . You could tell that the person who slowly decorated the nearly empty room knew every bit about this boy . His favorite color . The shapes that calmed him and those he preferred having on his skin forever . I had made my mark in that interior that belonged to him . And I hoped that every time he looked around himself , that he would remember me , whether he wanted to think of me or not . After the long and winding road that the elementary years were , I looked forward to middle school being a complete different experience , a transformation . I thought deeply about what I thought this " transformation " was , and could not figure out if I was speaking about transforming my physical self , or my attitude towards people around me . I knew I couldn 't pretend to be careless and outspoken only to go back to being polite and quiet an hour later . So the summer before the next three years of public school began , I was determined to go on a " diet . " As a former child of bullying , based off my physical appearance , I wanted this diet to be the door to a new beginning . But who was I kidding ? The summer before middle school began , I did nothing but celebrate the fact that the coming school year would not be in the same building for another six years , with the same people . The first day of middle school was an uncomfortable disaster that spread throughout the first few weeks . I loved food , but lunch time was my least favorite part of the day . Students did not sit at a designated table together by class anymore . It was now a natural selection contest . Everyone had somewhere to go : Good looking kids , band students , troublemakers , athletic children , people who wore black from head to toe - everybody . I fit nowhere . I would constantly find myself arriving at the cafetorium and looking around for someone to eat with , or at least sit with for the next forty minutes . It was a Friday , when I found a booth next to a window , behind the table where lunch ladies took their break . I sat down and began eating as quickly as possible , to avoid troublemakers pestering me , calling me " Lunch Lady " for sitting at that table . As I indulged into my macaroni , suddenly a tall white boy made his way and sat down in front of me . I immediately stood up and almost ran in fear of him approaching me only to tease me . He opened his mouth and said to me , " Wait ! Where are you going ? Why are you leaving ? " I really hadn 't communicated with anyone other than teachers and janitors that first week , much less any peers , and very much less a boy . I turned and looked at him as he sat down right where I was . " Wow ! Am I really that ugly ? Is it okay if I sit here because I 'm already sitting down ? " I didn 't know how to respond , so I stayed quiet hoping he would just go away but also hoping he would stay . He kept on talking , " I 'm David . " I nodded in understanding . " What do they call you ? " he asked . It took me a while to process the question . I thought of all the little names my mother called me by . I thought of all the names mean kids used to call me by . I then thought of the name I had been given at birth . " My name is Daphne Vaughn , " I answered with a monotone voice as if I had been programmed to speak like that . " Cool ! Do people call you dee - dee ? " he asked . " My name is Daphne Vaughn , " I said again , restating my answer . He kept on talking , and as freaked out as I was at everything that was happening that had never happened to me , I couldn 't help but notice the way this boy looked . He had a perfectly parted blond mane with dark roots peaking from where his hair began . Dark - thick eyebrows , blue eyes and long eyelashes . He had two overbites like my cousin Louis . The color of his skin reminded me of a bright sunshine , he was like no one I had ever seen . After analyzing him for what seemed a long time , I looked away almost immediately . However long it was that I had stared at him , his features became a part of my memory forever . " Ugh . All week I 've been jumping from table to table , you know , just to test out the people around here . But I think I 'm gonna stay here . " I had someone to eat with now . I had a friend . As the school year proceeded , it became a daily routine to grab our food and begin looking for each other to sit and eat and talk as much as we possibly could before the 40 minutes were up . I loved watching as others stared at two very different people coming together . His favorite color was baby blue but he didn 't have to tell me but I knew because he tried to wear it as much as he could . Mine was pink , but most of the time the colors of the hand - me - down clothes I wore were already predetermined for me . For the most part of lunch time he would talk to me about people from his class he didn 't like . " Becky told me that she was going out Ricky . I had to pretend like I believed her , I mean … c ' mon ! Her ? No way . " I didn 't know how to jump in to continue with the conversation so I would ask him things about him instead . " How tall is your dad ? " " Hmm … I don 't know . As tall as that restroom door I guess . " He told me about his father moving the family from San Diego , California to Texas because his grandfather was sick and wanted to be with him . The more he would open up to her during conversations , the more I learned to do it myself . Not just with him but with others as well . We talked movies , and he was shocked when I told him that I had never watched a movie in a movie theater . He tried to relate and said he had , but preferred watching them on TV because they had commercial breaks and he could go to the restroom without missing out on anything . We talked of what we hoped to become when we got older . " I want to be a dentist . " I said . He looked at me with a funny face , " A dentist ? EW . I … " He paused for a long while , gazing at his chocolate milk , " I want to go to the moon . I want to live there and never come back down . I bet it 's quiet , " he said with hope and illusion in his voice . As we got to know each other more over lunch meals , he told me how his mother had died when he was in first grade and how it was only his older sister and his father left of what was once a perfect family portrait . As much as I wanted to , I could not relate to him in that sense , because my family was complete . He was the youngest child in his family and I was the oldest , but somehow we found a kind of balance to be the siblings we wish we could have been to one another . Even though we were both completely different people , we found common ground in being outsiders . Seventh grade went to by like a breeze for me with David by my side . David was a magnet of happiness and energy . He was polite yet always spoke his mind . With time , people began to find David interesting ; as interesting as I always had . His personality attracted others to him , without him even trying to be the cool kid . Everybody knew him . Everybody wanted to be friends with him . People now looked for the table where he sat at and made their way over to us . Well , made their way over to him . We both appreciated and accepted new people that came into our lives and the way our own lives were changing . Due to different courses we took , our lunch times were also different . I ate during Lunch A , he ate during Lunch B . Switching from class to class in the hallways became the place to meet now . Every now and then we made sure to glance at each other , over the crowds of people and smile and wave , just to remind each other we were still there . It became evident that he was no longer the new kid and I became a new person . I didn 't see much of David the summer before high school but I was aware that he was going back to California to visit family for a while . When he came back , he invited me over to watch TV . " I know I 've missed you too ! Like a bunch ! Well … um … do you want to come over and watch a movie on TV ? It will be anything we find on a channel . " I felt that maybe he only asked out of guilt for the lack of communication during the final middle school year . I was still happy he asked because it would be the first time I ever made my way past his front door , but I had to say no because my parents never let me go over people 's homes . We talked maybe a couple of times on the phone after that , but I just couldn 't wait to see him in person and maybe eat lunch again , even if it was that first year just like middle school . High school came around and I felt different . But just as I had seen a change in myself , I also witnessed something different in David . I saw David 's glare slowly dimming that first year of high school . In my eyes , he was always the perfect being that couldn 't be dismantled with words or bad days . Anytime I asked him what was wrong he always replied with , " I 'm okay Dee Dee . Don 't worry about me , okay girl ? " How could I possibly not ? The past three years of my life had been completely turned around thanks to his patience and understanding of the quiet , shy girl I was . I felt indebted to him . One day towards the end of freshmen year he called me on the phone asked to see me in person . His voice had never sounded as serious and manly as it did that day . We met at Sherwood Park one evening after school . We sat and slowly swung on the swing set made for kids . The sun was setting behind him , and I could just barely see remnants of the blonde that dominated his hair years before . He looked down to the ground , speechless and from that angle , I could still see those physical features that beautifully stood out to me the day we first met . He was becoming a man , but he was still just David to me . Although his skin still shined like the sun , his wondering eyes told me that something deep within him was eating at what was left of the happiness he once owned . I held his hand and he began crying , right there , in front of the world . " I need to tell you something , " he said to me . " I 'm , ugh , this is so hard to say . Like , I just can 't . But I want to . " He stopped and got down to his knees just like I do when I pray . " Daphne , I 'm gay . " " I know , " she said to him . He laid his head on my bent knees , sobbing , while I hugged him with all the love that I had for him , because he was my friend , the brother I never had , unconditionally . Although I hoped that his confession to me would bring us closer , it only drew us apart . We talked every once in a while through the phone , but nothing compared to actual face to face conversations like those forty minute ones back in middle school . I repeatedly reminded him that I loved him whenever I had a chance , because I knew he needed that . I didn 't want him to think that anything had changed , because he was still just David to me . Maybe there had been clear signs when we were younger , but I never paid attention to them because nothing set him apart from me or anybody else . I wanted to go back to that time , but those years seemed farther away with each passing day . Sophomore year of high school seemed like a longer bridge between us . I began taking advanced classes and he seemed much farther away now . One day during lunch time , I saw him eating with the kind of girls that we used to call , " mean girls " because of how popular and well liked they thought they were . I didn 't see it as him becoming one of them , but it seemed like he was looking for a place to belong again . Although he looked much different now , for a moment he looked like the boy from middle school who hopped from table to table looking for a quiet one to sit at . One day after school I skipped math tutorials to go visit him because I hadn 't seen him in about two weeks . Of all the years I had known him , I had never been to his house . I knocked and his older sister answered the front door . " Yes ? " she said . She looked tired and angry . I could have guessed that she was his stepmom from the way she looked , but she looked too much like him . " Is David home ? " I asked . " Um , sure " , she said , not really certain she wanted to let me in . I finally walked through that front door of David 's home . Walked through the halls . His house did not have picture frames of family portraits like I did . Only one couch in a large living room . Not much in there but sad baby blue walls . She directed me to his room and let him know from the outside that he had a visitor . It all felt very confidential as if I was walking into an executive 's office or a hospital room . Once the door opened , I found him reading a book . It all seemed staged , prepared as if that is what he did anytime someone came over . Once he saw it was only me , he ran up to me and hugged me as tight as the day he confessed to me his truth . He waited to speak until his sister 's footsteps couldn 't be heard anymore . " David , what 's going on ? " I tried hard not to sound like a worried mother , but I couldn 't help it . " You know what 's going on , " he said in an annoyed tone of voice . I stared at him for a long while and he finally opened up . " I told my sister , but she betrayed me . She told my dad and he 's really mad at me Dee Dee . He doesn 't stop screaming at me that he 's disappointed , that I disgust him . " " I 'm sorry , " was all I could say . Although I didn 't know exactly what he was going through , the hurt in his eyes shot through me . No , I couldn 't relate , but I saw just how hurt he had been by his own family . It was clear to me that he was ' grounded ' and that his father had put him away from being seen from the rest of the world . " My dad says that I can only go to school and come back . He won 't let me out anywhere until I " fix myself " . " I didn 't know what to say to that . At that moment , I did not have the answer to anything . All I could do was stare at the book that lay between us on his bed , speechless , like I wished I never would be again . I saw him the first day of junior year crossing from the boy 's restroom to his first period class . He wore baggy pants , Jordan shoes , and an over sized tee shirt was his style now . From a distance , he was unrecognizable , but I tried hard to find something of the old David in the few seconds that time had allowed me to see my old friend again . A few weeks later , I found time in my busy schedule to call him and see how he was doing . His sister answered the phone as she usually did . " Hello ? " " Hello . Is David home by any chance ? " She then followed to laugh hysterically at me , as if I had said something funny . " Wow , it has been long since you 've been around here , hasn 't it ? " " I 'm sorry . I 'm … not really understanding ? " " He lives at 108 Honey Street now . Figure it out . It was nice knowing you . " Aside from the many questions that this two minute phone call gave me , the confusion was just unbearable . It didn 't take me long to make my way to that address and find out just what I had to discover . The home I did not recognize . I knocked four times . There was no answer . Knocked twice and as I turned to walk away from what I thought was a bad joke , someone opened the door . Maria Dorian opened the door . Maria Dorian was known around school as a girl who was composed of bad grades and a bad reputation . She did not know me but I sure knew her . She started at me with a puzzled look , but not as puzzled as I was . " I 'm sorry . Um … I am … looking for David Lanier ? " " And you are ? " " A friend . " " A friend , huh ? Hey , they 're looking for you . " I did not know exactly what was going on , but what I did know is that I wanted to throw up . Had David been kicked out from his house by his father ? And if he was , why didn 't he come to me instead ? He stepped from behind this person . There he was . In the flesh . The boy who grew up and disappeared . He closed the door behind him . " What are you doing here ? " he asked . I had the same question in mind . " You 're sister said you live here now ? David , what 's going on ? " He looked at me with exhaustion and embarrassment . " Things have happened . Things have changed . I 'm … I 'm with Maria now . " " What ? " It seemed to me like he had just spoken gibberish to me . I could not understand and I didn 't want to . " Yes . I have to live up to my actions . I 'm a man and I 'm with her now . Please leave . Not now Dee Dee . Please . " The tears that I knew he wished he could cry , I cried for him . My disbelief and horror at what he had said to me made me vanish from the scene immediately . By the time that graduation came around , David had become pretty much a memory . I do admit to be at fault for not trying harder to get in touch with him , but he never tried either . People , opportunities , jobs , relationships came and went for me . My job moved me six hours away from my hometown , so the chance to start anew somewhere else presented itself and I took it . Ultimately , six years went by and so did the hope of reconnecting with him . I drove by his old home during a visit a month ago . It looked like it had abandoned for some time now . I can only guess that maybe the family went back to California . Nothing special to note it as " David 's home . " Nothing except the one time I had ever been there . David was a very special person to me . Nothing like him had ever happened to me . I do thank him from the bottom of my heart for sitting down with me at that lunch table that Friday . I thank him for choosing my table to be the one he would sit at . If would have run away from him that day , I would have been running all my life , but I stayed and I wish that he would have stuck around as well . If someone would have asked me to write about someone great that made an impact in my life a week ago , I promise you I would have procrastinated to do it . Not because of laziness , simply because remembering him clearly would have been hard to do if it would not have been for yesterday . I arrived just yesterday to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family . Sherwood Park celebrated the holiday by giving away free pie . I made my way for a free piece on my way home . The park flooded with hundreds of unfamiliar faces . When suddenly , over the many , a man came into my focus . Everyone else blurred out from my vision . Everyone but the man who was once my friend . There he was . I don 't know if alone or with company , but there David was . And I stood on my toes to grab a better glimpse of him . It seemed like a dream but there he was . I looked over all the people , hoping he would look at me and wave over the crowd to remind ourselves that there we were . But I also hoped he wouldn 't . And slowly he blended in with the many , becoming just another stranger . Uncategorized THESE RAMBLING THOUGHTS COME AND GO like the waves of Galveston Beach that kissed our toes that summer day . After a while of coming and going they finally crash into me . You dove right in . You got sunburned . It 's hard not to know where we stand . It 's difficult to try and attempt to tap into your mind and your thoughts without actually asking you to talk to me about how you feel when you 're around me , when you see me . About where we are and where we 're going . I don 't want to scare you with these questions and even though they are questions I have to ask , I only think of them . They say that I am young and that I should have fun ! Explore and meet . Try and fail . Kiss and tell , or don 't . For a while this was my aesthetic but the more I know you , the more I realize that I know what I want and where I want to be . 6th grade : First little boyfriend . I used to " pretend to not like him or his groove . " It all came down to the realization that I was just a jealous little pretender who wanted to be as close to him as his best friend was . I confessed my feelings for him and we made our way towards each other . People looked on , watching the spectacular show that was a brown , chubby girl with glasses and a small , white boy . 8th grade : First little boyfriend 's mother moved him away from " the ghetto " school district . He broke up with me and I didn 't even notice he had . I thought long - distance was a thing . 10th grade : I crushed on a boy who never looked at me . He was funny , he was chubby , he was perfect to me . Also , I realized that I was attracted to humans , not boys , not girls , but humans . For three months , I made my way down the halls of building " B " hand in hand with my lady friend . 11th grade : While I still was into the idea of liking people for who they were on the inside and not what gender they identified with on the outside , I went back to day dreaming about the boy . He lost weight . He shed the funny off as well and underneath those extra 70 pounds he once wore was a first - class asshole . Senior Year : In a relationship with school work , extra curricular activities , beginning a new job . And as I strolled through the front doors of the new job place I bumped into the boy that would be the one to begin and end it all . The demise of dreams and fantasies of years of day dreaming of the perfect person ; He did away with all of that . All of me . So as you can see from that quick rundown , there has never really been a consistent pattern of people in my love life . Most of the time growing up , people I liked were people from TV shows , boys that I only looked at from far away , boys that stood next to me that didn 't want to stand next to me . People that were only for the season and not for a reason . And at the most important year of my life came a person that pushed me to limits I didn 't know could even exist . They say that love is blind and I wholeheartedly believe that . I believe that you can meet someone and give them all that you are . And being who I am , I will indulge in the other person completely . I will dive in and try to always find the best in them , even in the darkest of places . In the darkness I will always look for the light and when that light begins to dim , I will make sure I take care of it and guard it from the winds that might burn it out completely . When you are down , I will bring you back up . I watched him fall so many times and those many times I picked him up . He never gave me the gift of his company , when my minutes and seconds were his , unconditionally . I waited for him outside until he opened his door , the door - to his mind , to his thoughts , to his heart . Healed his wounds , and when it was my turn , when I would reach out for him , he only looked back as if to say , " I can 't right now . " Eventually , not ever . He said sorry and I said , " It 's okay . " I 've known you from Halloween with our costumes and friends , to Thanksgiving , to our Christmas days together . That New Years phone call and meeting my family a week later . Valentines day . Opening the dance floor at your friends wedding and slow dancing to ' Thinking Out Loud . ' My 23rd birthday : Getting away from it all by taking off to a different state and spending a few days in the mountains . I never really made it on to my feet while skiing , but falling down many times never mattered , because I was with you . Eight months have gone by now , and it gets harder every time I see you . It 's hard to stand next to you , because it still feels like you 're miles away . We walk hand in hand , you kiss me and hold me . We make each other laugh , we sing to our favorite music while we drive around in your truck and it feels like I 've known you forever . And then I wake up from this perfect dream and I realize that even though this is really happening , even though I became yours long ago , that you still are not mine . I try my best to enjoy it all and live in the moment . And then I realize that we live on borrowed time , that life is so short . That even though my " love life timeline " does not show case the longest , or most consistent relationships , that I know what it is that I want and who it is that I want when I wake up next to you . In you I have found a friend , a mentor , a confidant , a gentleman , an adventurous companion , and a bearer of great taste in music . A beautiful human made of flaws stitched together with good intentions . Someone who sees past my glasses and own imperfections . I see myself growing up with you . And in between the many things that I only think to myself and never ask you , I ask and I wonder if you think the same of me . Willing to keep the wind from blowing the light out , I protect it with my hands , but I realize that unfortunately , I cannot do this forever . Uncategorized It 's 4 : 40 AM . I woke up thanks to the heat in the room I am in . I took a shower the night before , I fell asleep with wet hair and then I think of how my mother is mostly always right . " Don 't sleep with wet hair ! It 's bad for you ! " Well , I don 't know how bad it really is to your health but what I do know is that if you sleep in a room with no a / c , the heat will crawl up to your head and make you sweat and make you sticky and make you wake up at 4 : 40 in the morning . You will then proceed to contemplate on whether or not you should stay awake for work and start getting ready . I mean , you wake up at 6 and that is only an hour away . You lay back down , your hair tied up now and set up an alarm for 45 minutes later . Phone off . " Hmm . I wonder what the fastest way to losing body fat is … " Phone on . Google , " Fastest way to lose body fat . . " results are exactly what you 've read before . Phone off . " Let 's swipe left a little for a while , I 'm not really that sleepy and this alarm will go off soon . Phone on . Open up Tinder . Swipe left . Swipe left . Swipe … . Hmm . . maybe . . nah . Swipe left . Swipe left . Phone off . Eyes become moist . It 's not the hot room making your eyes water . It 's the thought of everything . Everything you used to have , or at least thought you had . It 's the thought of what you had to let go and the thought of what you want now . You fall asleep . Work in 40 . Time has gone by so quick . And going into a job that I caught on to so quickly does not help at all when I want to just take a step back and see everything I have accomplished so far . I guess that 's a good thing in a way ? Maybe . There is so much to do around here , and in the three months I 've been here , I 've only experienced only about 15 % of it all . There are beautiful running / walking trails you can find between the neighborhoods that make you realize you need an awesome paying job to one day live in one of those mansions . Mountain hikes that give you an awesome view of the downtown skyline , along with all that cedar . At the top of Mount Bonnell … Okay . Get me down . Now . This time last year , I was living the life of a final year college student . Ready to finish strong and graduate . I never thought of moving anywhere else . I had my framily ( friends like family ) all around me . Awesome job . Concerts almost every weekend . Then came the realization that it was time to move closer to home , and Austin , TX was the closest I would get . Right in the middle of my home town and where I loved being , it seemed like the perfect place . One time a co - worker that found out I was moving said to me , " Austin , TX , huh ? Good for you . You look like an Austin kind of girl . " I asked why and she said , " Well you 're just so nice and perky and creative . And you 're young ! " And that always stayed with me . Things were just beginning to fall into place for me . It was scary , but I jumped off at the highest point . The point where you look down and the earth below you is a microscopic version of itself . The point where your stomach hurts , palms are sweaty , and you think of taking a step back and rescheduling that jump , but then … you do it . And fear , self - doubt , and hopelessness fills you , but so does determination , confidence and hopefulness . There are many delicious places that you just " have to go to ! " according to many websites and people who have lived here for as long as I have been alive , as well as those that haven 't been here for that long and are still discovering the grub spots themselves . The biggest attraction for many is 6th Street . I 'm sure you 've heard of it , but just in case you have not … It 's a huge street filled with bars and underground dance clubs and beautifully expensive restaurants and food trucks ( of course ) . It 's considered the Live Music Capital of the World , " and that my friends , it is . On almost every corner , you see lamp posts covered with posters of local bands playing at different clubs or bars . Walking down 6th , music from live instruments fill the street , tempting you to walk into the location , or at least stand outside and little for a little , because like many of today 's most successful artists got their start playing at clubs as such . It 's great to walk around and suddenly bump into congress street , which , if you turn right or left ( depending on where it is that you 're standing ) you will see the majestic TEXAS STATE CAPITAL building . It 's a breathtaking historic architectural structure . It 's green grounds make it a perfect spot for a picnic , or a peaceful sanctuary to sit down at and read , or write . Laredo , TX ( my hometown ) is lovely . A small town , coming into its own by growing slowly but surely . Dallas , TX was just amazing to me . Being a small town girl , I only ever dreamed of walking among the buildings that made up the neon skyline I would only see in postcards . It was a whole other world . And now Austin , TX I feel offers me a little bit of both . Small and quiet in certain corners , yet industrial and adventurous . So it 's been 90 days … Well 91 now since having to write between breaks at work delayed me by a day to post it yesterday . Every day I discover a new route home . A hidden mall behind pine trees . A new favorite restaurant . Someone new that I get to have a conversation with and call my friend and fellow Austinite . It 's definitely a city where riding a bike and walking around with a back pack instead of a purse is a norm . It 's a city where even between the rush of the streets and the hassle of a long work day , I can still find time to open up a new post and finish it . I have tried so many times to delete the " Love Hurts " playlist on my Spotify . I am not kidding . I have a playlist that I am attached to that is titled after an Incubus song . This playlist includes songs such as : … you get the point . It 's music that will remind you of the one you loved before they left you broken and shattered into a million little pieces . It 's music that will make you want to be in a music video where it 's raining outside and you 're looking out a window . And with that little excerpt of inside into what I listen to when I am feeling down , I must admit that I am a huge fucking moper . Is that a word ? Or did that added suffix make the word mope sound like I might be a drug user ? Hmmm . I don 't know . But give me some mope . and I was only nine years of age at the time . School had always been a fascination to me . I had the chance to learn something new every day . I got to raise up my hand and feel good when the words from my mouth were correct . I had always been seen by others as peculiar and dressing up like a hybrid cross between Angelica from the Rugrats and Urkel did not help at all . I was a nine year old , obsessed with Saturday Night Live , anything Lisa Frank , metallic butterfly hair clips and vocabulary books . Anything I thought looked pretty , I wore . Even if it was a baby blue fuzzy sweater that fit me tight , I felt like no one else owned that piece of fashion and that no one was me . I never tried to be someone else , because I never did know that was an option . A boy named John Godey seemed to think otherwise . Up until the day that third grade began , I had never been noticed by anyone . I made my way through the early years of grade school by being quiet and only speaking when I was spoken to - manners my parents had taught me . I was well aware that I was always the chubby , brown girl in my classes . Other girls my age had the same characteristics : straight hair , light colored skin , thin little bodies . I sat in my designated seat that first day of third grade , next to the person whose last name came after mine , next to the person that would make the next year of elementary school a hell on earth . I noticed that he too was different like me . He was bigger compared to Ricky Sanchez , the boy who I had a crush on . His head peaked above everybody else , he seemed to have no neck so all you could see was a big head mounted to a big body , much like a play dough figurine . I felt my ears get warm , followed by nervous perspiration from my forehead and an accelerated heartbeat . All I wanted to do was eat my favorite kind of food , and maybe ask someone who hadn 't eaten their mash potato if I could have it . But I felt like throwing up when I turned my head and King Kong and his posse were laughing at me . The days that I looked forward to until then , now became dark days that forced me to take a verbal beating , without knowing how to fight back . All I could do was cry and no one seemed to notice . I did not want my mother to know because her lack of knowing how to drive at the time prevented her to pick me up from school any time they sent the sad girl to the nurses office . So my own remedy to John Godey was hiding . No one ever went to the restrooms near the gym , all because one unfixed light flickered and everyone said it was haunted . I laid my head on the cold floor of the handicapped bathroom stall . It was the most spacious and it was my favorite . Some days , I would spend such a long time inside one that I could imagine it becoming my bedroom . I saw my bed on the corner next to a rail , and next to it my bookshelf with every piece of literature I owned . This was my safe haven during dark third grade days at Farias Elementary . Pretty soon , the name ' Hershey ' caught on and that 's what I became known as . ' Truffle with glasses ' was also another good one , but Hershey hurt more because I was aware that Hershey was a chocolate and at the time I was not acquainted with what a truffle was . During lunch time one day , John 's words to me seemed to not be enough for him anymore that he decided to move on to the next level . I sat down ready to eat the food of the day . I opened my half - pint carton of chocolate milk , and John Godey decided to take my carton and pour it over my only slice of pizza . How could no one see what had happened and why did I sat quiet ? My body had never hurt so much and the floor of that restroom never felt more comforting . Soon after , Mr . Curry finally noticed I had been missing after lunch time for nearly three weeks and the truth finally came out . John Godey was moved to another classroom , but teachers knew that would not fix anything and that he would do the same . His parents decided to move him to another school . John Godey disappeared from my life , but his words lingered within my thoughts and my self - esteem for a very long time . Some say it 's a part of " growing up . " But a person 's childhood should be as eccentric and unforgettable and filled with things around us that make an impact on our lives that shape who we grow up to be . I fought hard with myself to accept this theory . I tried to compare it to chickenpox , where even as an adult , if you had never had it , you had to have it . Two years ago , I walked into a McDonalds . I remember being last in a line of four people waiting to order . As I walked closer to the counter I realized that the cashier was John . He was much taller , slightly thinner than 2003 . John Godey was a man now . I thought of getting out of that line and driving to a different location , but then I realized how many unsaid things I had kept to myself all these years . Would he understand just how many school days I wasted , laying on the floor of a restroom waiting for the day to be over ? I got clammy hands , my blood went cold and I felt two hands wrapped around my throat , preventing me from even thinking of what I would say next . Then it dawned on me to think of where we both were standing , and I grinned just a little , just enough to feel my satisfaction . I walked up the counter and he said to me , " Good afternoon , what will it be ? "

At the entrance you found a calendar to your right from 2014 . The year was 2016 . Without missing it , a red 10 x 30 canvas with pretty , melancholic , blue flowers hung , inviting you in . The bed could fit two people , it seemed perfect for the current situation . I could almost make ourselves out laying there , embracing each other . It had not happened yet , but I could see us . White walls . At the head of the bed there was a single small window with wooden blinds . At the end of the bed there was a TV held by a large drawer , where he kept his clothes perfectly folded . One day I opened my eyes looking at the ceiling . I sat up and looked around the four walls of the room and realized the interior had my name written all over . There was not a corner of the safe - haven that did not have something I had given him . The love was apparent . You could tell that the person who slowly decorated the nearly empty room knew every bit about this boy . His favorite color . The shapes that calmed him and those he preferred having on his skin forever . I had made my mark in that interior that belonged to him . And I hoped that every time he looked around himself , that he would remember me , whether he wanted to think of me or not . After the long and winding road that the elementary years were , I looked forward to middle school being a complete different experience , a transformation . I thought deeply about what I thought this " transformation " was , and could not figure out if I was speaking about transforming my physical self , or my attitude towards people around me . I knew I couldn 't pretend to be careless and outspoken only to go back to being polite and quiet an hour later . So the summer before the next three years of public school began , I was determined to go on a " diet . " As a former child of bullying , based off my physical appearance , I wanted this diet to be the door to a new beginning . But who was I kidding ? The summer before middle school began , I did nothing but celebrate the fact that the coming school year would not be in the same building for another six years , with the same people . The first day of middle school was an uncomfortable disaster that spread throughout the first few weeks . I loved food , but lunch time was my least favorite part of the day . Students did not sit at a designated table together by class anymore . It was now a natural selection contest . Everyone had somewhere to go : Good looking kids , band students , troublemakers , athletic children , people who wore black from head to toe - everybody . I fit nowhere . I would constantly find myself arriving at the cafetorium and looking around for someone to eat with , or at least sit with for the next forty minutes . It was a Friday , when I found a booth next to a window , behind the table where lunch ladies took their break . I sat down and began eating as quickly as possible , to avoid troublemakers pestering me , calling me " Lunch Lady " for sitting at that table . As I indulged into my macaroni , suddenly a tall white boy made his way and sat down in front of me . I immediately stood up and almost ran in fear of him approaching me only to tease me . He opened his mouth and said to me , " Wait ! Where are you going ? Why are you leaving ? " I really hadn 't communicated with anyone other than teachers and janitors that first week , much less any peers , and very much less a boy . I turned and looked at him as he sat down right where I was . " Wow ! Am I really that ugly ? Is it okay if I sit here because I 'm already sitting down ? " I didn 't know how to respond , so I stayed quiet hoping he would just go away but also hoping he would stay . He kept on talking , " I 'm David . " I nodded in understanding . " What do they call you ? " he asked . It took me a while to process the question . I thought of all the little names my mother called me by . I thought of all the names mean kids used to call me by . I then thought of the name I had been given at birth . " My name is Daphne Vaughn , " I answered with a monotone voice as if I had been programmed to speak like that . " Cool ! Do people call you dee - dee ? " he asked . " My name is Daphne Vaughn , " I said again , restating my answer . He kept on talking , and as freaked out as I was at everything that was happening that had never happened to me , I couldn 't help but notice the way this boy looked . He had a perfectly parted blond mane with dark roots peaking from where his hair began . Dark - thick eyebrows , blue eyes and long eyelashes . He had two overbites like my cousin Louis . The color of his skin reminded me of a bright sunshine , he was like no one I had ever seen . After analyzing him for what seemed a long time , I looked away almost immediately . However long it was that I had stared at him , his features became a part of my memory forever . " Ugh . All week I 've been jumping from table to table , you know , just to test out the people around here . But I think I 'm gonna stay here . " I had someone to eat with now . I had a friend . As the school year proceeded , it became a daily routine to grab our food and begin looking for each other to sit and eat and talk as much as we possibly could before the 40 minutes were up . I loved watching as others stared at two very different people coming together . His favorite color was baby blue but he didn 't have to tell me but I knew because he tried to wear it as much as he could . Mine was pink , but most of the time the colors of the hand - me - down clothes I wore were already predetermined for me . For the most part of lunch time he would talk to me about people from his class he didn 't like . " Becky told me that she was going out Ricky . I had to pretend like I believed her , I mean … c ' mon ! Her ? No way . " I didn 't know how to jump in to continue with the conversation so I would ask him things about him instead . " How tall is your dad ? " " Hmm … I don 't know . As tall as that restroom door I guess . " He told me about his father moving the family from San Diego , California to Texas because his grandfather was sick and wanted to be with him . The more he would open up to her during conversations , the more I learned to do it myself . Not just with him but with others as well . We talked movies , and he was shocked when I told him that I had never watched a movie in a movie theater . He tried to relate and said he had , but preferred watching them on TV because they had commercial breaks and he could go to the restroom without missing out on anything . We talked of what we hoped to become when we got older . " I want to be a dentist . " I said . He looked at me with a funny face , " A dentist ? EW . I … " He paused for a long while , gazing at his chocolate milk , " I want to go to the moon . I want to live there and never come back down . I bet it 's quiet , " he said with hope and illusion in his voice . As we got to know each other more over lunch meals , he told me how his mother had died when he was in first grade and how it was only his older sister and his father left of what was once a perfect family portrait . As much as I wanted to , I could not relate to him in that sense , because my family was complete . He was the youngest child in his family and I was the oldest , but somehow we found a kind of balance to be the siblings we wish we could have been to one another . Even though we were both completely different people , we found common ground in being outsiders . Seventh grade went to by like a breeze for me with David by my side . David was a magnet of happiness and energy . He was polite yet always spoke his mind . With time , people began to find David interesting ; as interesting as I always had . His personality attracted others to him , without him even trying to be the cool kid . Everybody knew him . Everybody wanted to be friends with him . People now looked for the table where he sat at and made their way over to us . Well , made their way over to him . We both appreciated and accepted new people that came into our lives and the way our own lives were changing . Due to different courses we took , our lunch times were also different . I ate during Lunch A , he ate during Lunch B . Switching from class to class in the hallways became the place to meet now . Every now and then we made sure to glance at each other , over the crowds of people and smile and wave , just to remind each other we were still there . It became evident that he was no longer the new kid and I became a new person . I didn 't see much of David the summer before high school but I was aware that he was going back to California to visit family for a while . When he came back , he invited me over to watch TV . " I know I 've missed you too ! Like a bunch ! Well … um … do you want to come over and watch a movie on TV ? It will be anything we find on a channel . " I felt that maybe he only asked out of guilt for the lack of communication during the final middle school year . I was still happy he asked because it would be the first time I ever made my way past his front door , but I had to say no because my parents never let me go over people 's homes . We talked maybe a couple of times on the phone after that , but I just couldn 't wait to see him in person and maybe eat lunch again , even if it was that first year just like middle school . High school came around and I felt different . But just as I had seen a change in myself , I also witnessed something different in David . I saw David 's glare slowly dimming that first year of high school . In my eyes , he was always the perfect being that couldn 't be dismantled with words or bad days . Anytime I asked him what was wrong he always replied with , " I 'm okay Dee Dee . Don 't worry about me , okay girl ? " How could I possibly not ? The past three years of my life had been completely turned around thanks to his patience and understanding of the quiet , shy girl I was . I felt indebted to him . One day towards the end of freshmen year he called me on the phone asked to see me in person . His voice had never sounded as serious and manly as it did that day . We met at Sherwood Park one evening after school . We sat and slowly swung on the swing set made for kids . The sun was setting behind him , and I could just barely see remnants of the blonde that dominated his hair years before . He looked down to the ground , speechless and from that angle , I could still see those physical features that beautifully stood out to me the day we first met . He was becoming a man , but he was still just David to me . Although his skin still shined like the sun , his wondering eyes told me that something deep within him was eating at what was left of the happiness he once owned . I held his hand and he began crying , right there , in front of the world . " I need to tell you something , " he said to me . " I 'm , ugh , this is so hard to say . Like , I just can 't . But I want to . " He stopped and got down to his knees just like I do when I pray . " Daphne , I 'm gay . " " I know , " she said to him . He laid his head on my bent knees , sobbing , while I hugged him with all the love that I had for him , because he was my friend , the brother I never had , unconditionally . Although I hoped that his confession to me would bring us closer , it only drew us apart . We talked every once in a while through the phone , but nothing compared to actual face to face conversations like those forty minute ones back in middle school . I repeatedly reminded him that I loved him whenever I had a chance , because I knew he needed that . I didn 't want him to think that anything had changed , because he was still just David to me . Maybe there had been clear signs when we were younger , but I never paid attention to them because nothing set him apart from me or anybody else . I wanted to go back to that time , but those years seemed farther away with each passing day . Sophomore year of high school seemed like a longer bridge between us . I began taking advanced classes and he seemed much farther away now . One day during lunch time , I saw him eating with the kind of girls that we used to call , " mean girls " because of how popular and well liked they thought they were . I didn 't see it as him becoming one of them , but it seemed like he was looking for a place to belong again . Although he looked much different now , for a moment he looked like the boy from middle school who hopped from table to table looking for a quiet one to sit at . One day after school I skipped math tutorials to go visit him because I hadn 't seen him in about two weeks . Of all the years I had known him , I had never been to his house . I knocked and his older sister answered the front door . " Yes ? " she said . She looked tired and angry . I could have guessed that she was his stepmom from the way she looked , but she looked too much like him . " Is David home ? " I asked . " Um , sure " , she said , not really certain she wanted to let me in . I finally walked through that front door of David 's home . Walked through the halls . His house did not have picture frames of family portraits like I did . Only one couch in a large living room . Not much in there but sad baby blue walls . She directed me to his room and let him know from the outside that he had a visitor . It all felt very confidential as if I was walking into an executive 's office or a hospital room . Once the door opened , I found him reading a book . It all seemed staged , prepared as if that is what he did anytime someone came over . Once he saw it was only me , he ran up to me and hugged me as tight as the day he confessed to me his truth . He waited to speak until his sister 's footsteps couldn 't be heard anymore . " David , what 's going on ? " I tried hard not to sound like a worried mother , but I couldn 't help it . " You know what 's going on , " he said in an annoyed tone of voice . I stared at him for a long while and he finally opened up . " I told my sister , but she betrayed me . She told my dad and he 's really mad at me Dee Dee . He doesn 't stop screaming at me that he 's disappointed , that I disgust him . " " I 'm sorry , " was all I could say . Although I didn 't know exactly what he was going through , the hurt in his eyes shot through me . No , I couldn 't relate , but I saw just how hurt he had been by his own family . It was clear to me that he was ' grounded ' and that his father had put him away from being seen from the rest of the world . " My dad says that I can only go to school and come back . He won 't let me out anywhere until I " fix myself " . " I didn 't know what to say to that . At that moment , I did not have the answer to anything . All I could do was stare at the book that lay between us on his bed , speechless , like I wished I never would be again . I saw him the first day of junior year crossing from the boy 's restroom to his first period class . He wore baggy pants , Jordan shoes , and an over sized tee shirt was his style now . From a distance , he was unrecognizable , but I tried hard to find something of the old David in the few seconds that time had allowed me to see my old friend again . A few weeks later , I found time in my busy schedule to call him and see how he was doing . His sister answered the phone as she usually did . " Hello ? " " Hello . Is David home by any chance ? " She then followed to laugh hysterically at me , as if I had said something funny . " Wow , it has been long since you 've been around here , hasn 't it ? " " I 'm sorry . I 'm … not really understanding ? " " He lives at 108 Honey Street now . Figure it out . It was nice knowing you . " Aside from the many questions that this two minute phone call gave me , the confusion was just unbearable . It didn 't take me long to make my way to that address and find out just what I had to discover . The home I did not recognize . I knocked four times . There was no answer . Knocked twice and as I turned to walk away from what I thought was a bad joke , someone opened the door . Maria Dorian opened the door . Maria Dorian was known around school as a girl who was composed of bad grades and a bad reputation . She did not know me but I sure knew her . She started at me with a puzzled look , but not as puzzled as I was . " I 'm sorry . Um … I am … looking for David Lanier ? " " And you are ? " " A friend . " " A friend , huh ? Hey , they 're looking for you . " I did not know exactly what was going on , but what I did know is that I wanted to throw up . Had David been kicked out from his house by his father ? And if he was , why didn 't he come to me instead ? He stepped from behind this person . There he was . In the flesh . The boy who grew up and disappeared . He closed the door behind him . " What are you doing here ? " he asked . I had the same question in mind . " You 're sister said you live here now ? David , what 's going on ? " He looked at me with exhaustion and embarrassment . " Things have happened . Things have changed . I 'm … I 'm with Maria now . " " What ? " It seemed to me like he had just spoken gibberish to me . I could not understand and I didn 't want to . " Yes . I have to live up to my actions . I 'm a man and I 'm with her now . Please leave . Not now Dee Dee . Please . " The tears that I knew he wished he could cry , I cried for him . My disbelief and horror at what he had said to me made me vanish from the scene immediately . By the time that graduation came around , David had become pretty much a memory . I do admit to be at fault for not trying harder to get in touch with him , but he never tried either . People , opportunities , jobs , relationships came and went for me . My job moved me six hours away from my hometown , so the chance to start anew somewhere else presented itself and I took it . Ultimately , six years went by and so did the hope of reconnecting with him . I drove by his old home during a visit a month ago . It looked like it had abandoned for some time now . I can only guess that maybe the family went back to California . Nothing special to note it as " David 's home . " Nothing except the one time I had ever been there . David was a very special person to me . Nothing like him had ever happened to me . I do thank him from the bottom of my heart for sitting down with me at that lunch table that Friday . I thank him for choosing my table to be the one he would sit at . If would have run away from him that day , I would have been running all my life , but I stayed and I wish that he would have stuck around as well . If someone would have asked me to write about someone great that made an impact in my life a week ago , I promise you I would have procrastinated to do it . Not because of laziness , simply because remembering him clearly would have been hard to do if it would not have been for yesterday . I arrived just yesterday to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family . Sherwood Park celebrated the holiday by giving away free pie . I made my way for a free piece on my way home . The park flooded with hundreds of unfamiliar faces . When suddenly , over the many , a man came into my focus . Everyone else blurred out from my vision . Everyone but the man who was once my friend . There he was . I don 't know if alone or with company , but there David was . And I stood on my toes to grab a better glimpse of him . It seemed like a dream but there he was . I looked over all the people , hoping he would look at me and wave over the crowd to remind ourselves that there we were . But I also hoped he wouldn 't . And slowly he blended in with the many , becoming just another stranger . Uncategorized THESE RAMBLING THOUGHTS COME AND GO like the waves of Galveston Beach that kissed our toes that summer day . After a while of coming and going they finally crash into me . You dove right in . You got sunburned . It 's hard not to know where we stand . It 's difficult to try and attempt to tap into your mind and your thoughts without actually asking you to talk to me about how you feel when you 're around me , when you see me . About where we are and where we 're going . I don 't want to scare you with these questions and even though they are questions I have to ask , I only think of them . They say that I am young and that I should have fun ! Explore and meet . Try and fail . Kiss and tell , or don 't . For a while this was my aesthetic but the more I know you , the more I realize that I know what I want and where I want to be . 6th grade : First little boyfriend . I used to " pretend to not like him or his groove . " It all came down to the realization that I was just a jealous little pretender who wanted to be as close to him as his best friend was . I confessed my feelings for him and we made our way towards each other . People looked on , watching the spectacular show that was a brown , chubby girl with glasses and a small , white boy . 8th grade : First little boyfriend 's mother moved him away from " the ghetto " school district . He broke up with me and I didn 't even notice he had . I thought long - distance was a thing . 10th grade : I crushed on a boy who never looked at me . He was funny , he was chubby , he was perfect to me . Also , I realized that I was attracted to humans , not boys , not girls , but humans . For three months , I made my way down the halls of building " B " hand in hand with my lady friend . 11th grade : While I still was into the idea of liking people for who they were on the inside and not what gender they identified with on the outside , I went back to day dreaming about the boy . He lost weight . He shed the funny off as well and underneath those extra 70 pounds he once wore was a first - class asshole . Senior Year : In a relationship with school work , extra curricular activities , beginning a new job . And as I strolled through the front doors of the new job place I bumped into the boy that would be the one to begin and end it all . The demise of dreams and fantasies of years of day dreaming of the perfect person ; He did away with all of that . All of me . So as you can see from that quick rundown , there has never really been a consistent pattern of people in my love life . Most of the time growing up , people I liked were people from TV shows , boys that I only looked at from far away , boys that stood next to me that didn 't want to stand next to me . People that were only for the season and not for a reason . And at the most important year of my life came a person that pushed me to limits I didn 't know could even exist . They say that love is blind and I wholeheartedly believe that . I believe that you can meet someone and give them all that you are . And being who I am , I will indulge in the other person completely . I will dive in and try to always find the best in them , even in the darkest of places . In the darkness I will always look for the light and when that light begins to dim , I will make sure I take care of it and guard it from the winds that might burn it out completely . When you are down , I will bring you back up . I watched him fall so many times and those many times I picked him up . He never gave me the gift of his company , when my minutes and seconds were his , unconditionally . I waited for him outside until he opened his door , the door - to his mind , to his thoughts , to his heart . Healed his wounds , and when it was my turn , when I would reach out for him , he only looked back as if to say , " I can 't right now . " Eventually , not ever . He said sorry and I said , " It 's okay . " I 've known you from Halloween with our costumes and friends , to Thanksgiving , to our Christmas days together . That New Years phone call and meeting my family a week later . Valentines day . Opening the dance floor at your friends wedding and slow dancing to ' Thinking Out Loud . ' My 23rd birthday : Getting away from it all by taking off to a different state and spending a few days in the mountains . I never really made it on to my feet while skiing , but falling down many times never mattered , because I was with you . Eight months have gone by now , and it gets harder every time I see you . It 's hard to stand next to you , because it still feels like you 're miles away . We walk hand in hand , you kiss me and hold me . We make each other laugh , we sing to our favorite music while we drive around in your truck and it feels like I 've known you forever . And then I wake up from this perfect dream and I realize that even though this is really happening , even though I became yours long ago , that you still are not mine . I try my best to enjoy it all and live in the moment . And then I realize that we live on borrowed time , that life is so short . That even though my " love life timeline " does not show case the longest , or most consistent relationships , that I know what it is that I want and who it is that I want when I wake up next to you . In you I have found a friend , a mentor , a confidant , a gentleman , an adventurous companion , and a bearer of great taste in music . A beautiful human made of flaws stitched together with good intentions . Someone who sees past my glasses and own imperfections . I see myself growing up with you . And in between the many things that I only think to myself and never ask you , I ask and I wonder if you think the same of me . Willing to keep the wind from blowing the light out , I protect it with my hands , but I realize that unfortunately , I cannot do this forever . Uncategorized It 's 4 : 40 AM . I woke up thanks to the heat in the room I am in . I took a shower the night before , I fell asleep with wet hair and then I think of how my mother is mostly always right . " Don 't sleep with wet hair ! It 's bad for you ! " Well , I don 't know how bad it really is to your health but what I do know is that if you sleep in a room with no a / c , the heat will crawl up to your head and make you sweat and make you sticky and make you wake up at 4 : 40 in the morning . You will then proceed to contemplate on whether or not you should stay awake for work and start getting ready . I mean , you wake up at 6 and that is only an hour away . You lay back down , your hair tied up now and set up an alarm for 45 minutes later . Phone off . " Hmm . I wonder what the fastest way to losing body fat is … " Phone on . Google , " Fastest way to lose body fat . . " results are exactly what you 've read before . Phone off . " Let 's swipe left a little for a while , I 'm not really that sleepy and this alarm will go off soon . Phone on . Open up Tinder . Swipe left . Swipe left . Swipe … . Hmm . . maybe . . nah . Swipe left . Swipe left . Phone off . Eyes become moist . It 's not the hot room making your eyes water . It 's the thought of everything . Everything you used to have , or at least thought you had . It 's the thought of what you had to let go and the thought of what you want now . You fall asleep . Work in 40 . Time has gone by so quick . And going into a job that I caught on to so quickly does not help at all when I want to just take a step back and see everything I have accomplished so far . I guess that 's a good thing in a way ? Maybe . There is so much to do around here , and in the three months I 've been here , I 've only experienced only about 15 % of it all . There are beautiful running / walking trails you can find between the neighborhoods that make you realize you need an awesome paying job to one day live in one of those mansions . Mountain hikes that give you an awesome view of the downtown skyline , along with all that cedar . At the top of Mount Bonnell … Okay . Get me down . Now . This time last year , I was living the life of a final year college student . Ready to finish strong and graduate . I never thought of moving anywhere else . I had my framily ( friends like family ) all around me . Awesome job . Concerts almost every weekend . Then came the realization that it was time to move closer to home , and Austin , TX was the closest I would get . Right in the middle of my home town and where I loved being , it seemed like the perfect place . One time a co - worker that found out I was moving said to me , " Austin , TX , huh ? Good for you . You look like an Austin kind of girl . " I asked why and she said , " Well you 're just so nice and perky and creative . And you 're young ! " And that always stayed with me . Things were just beginning to fall into place for me . It was scary , but I jumped off at the highest point . The point where you look down and the earth below you is a microscopic version of itself . The point where your stomach hurts , palms are sweaty , and you think of taking a step back and rescheduling that jump , but then … you do it . And fear , self - doubt , and hopelessness fills you , but so does determination , confidence and hopefulness . There are many delicious places that you just " have to go to ! " according to many websites and people who have lived here for as long as I have been alive , as well as those that haven 't been here for that long and are still discovering the grub spots themselves . The biggest attraction for many is 6th Street . I 'm sure you 've heard of it , but just in case you have not … It 's a huge street filled with bars and underground dance clubs and beautifully expensive restaurants and food trucks ( of course ) . It 's considered the Live Music Capital of the World , " and that my friends , it is . On almost every corner , you see lamp posts covered with posters of local bands playing at different clubs or bars . Walking down 6th , music from live instruments fill the street , tempting you to walk into the location , or at least stand outside and little for a little , because like many of today 's most successful artists got their start playing at clubs as such . It 's great to walk around and suddenly bump into congress street , which , if you turn right or left ( depending on where it is that you 're standing ) you will see the majestic TEXAS STATE CAPITAL building . It 's a breathtaking historic architectural structure . It 's green grounds make it a perfect spot for a picnic , or a peaceful sanctuary to sit down at and read , or write . Laredo , TX ( my hometown ) is lovely . A small town , coming into its own by growing slowly but surely . Dallas , TX was just amazing to me . Being a small town girl , I only ever dreamed of walking among the buildings that made up the neon skyline I would only see in postcards . It was a whole other world . And now Austin , TX I feel offers me a little bit of both . Small and quiet in certain corners , yet industrial and adventurous . So it 's been 90 days … Well 91 now since having to write between breaks at work delayed me by a day to post it yesterday . Every day I discover a new route home . A hidden mall behind pine trees . A new favorite restaurant . Someone new that I get to have a conversation with and call my friend and fellow Austinite . It 's definitely a city where riding a bike and walking around with a back pack instead of a purse is a norm . It 's a city where even between the rush of the streets and the hassle of a long work day , I can still find time to open up a new post and finish it . I have tried so many times to delete the " Love Hurts " playlist on my Spotify . I am not kidding . I have a playlist that I am attached to that is titled after an Incubus song . This playlist includes songs such as : … you get the point . It 's music that will remind you of the one you loved before they left you broken and shattered into a million little pieces . It 's music that will make you want to be in a music video where it 's raining outside and you 're looking out a window . And with that little excerpt of inside into what I listen to when I am feeling down , I must admit that I am a huge fucking moper . Is that a word ? Or did that added suffix make the word mope sound like I might be a drug user ? Hmmm . I don 't know . But give me some mope . and I was only nine years of age at the time . School had always been a fascination to me . I had the chance to learn something new every day . I got to raise up my hand and feel good when the words from my mouth were correct . I had always been seen by others as peculiar and dressing up like a hybrid cross between Angelica from the Rugrats and Urkel did not help at all . I was a nine year old , obsessed with Saturday Night Live , anything Lisa Frank , metallic butterfly hair clips and vocabulary books . Anything I thought looked pretty , I wore . Even if it was a baby blue fuzzy sweater that fit me tight , I felt like no one else owned that piece of fashion and that no one was me . I never tried to be someone else , because I never did know that was an option . A boy named John Godey seemed to think otherwise . Up until the day that third grade began , I had never been noticed by anyone . I made my way through the early years of grade school by being quiet and only speaking when I was spoken to - manners my parents had taught me . I was well aware that I was always the chubby , brown girl in my classes . Other girls my age had the same characteristics : straight hair , light colored skin , thin little bodies . I sat in my designated seat that first day of third grade , next to the person whose last name came after mine , next to the person that would make the next year of elementary school a hell on earth . I noticed that he too was different like me . He was bigger compared to Ricky Sanchez , the boy who I had a crush on . His head peaked above everybody else , he seemed to have no neck so all you could see was a big head mounted to a big body , much like a play dough figurine . I felt my ears get warm , followed by nervous perspiration from my forehead and an accelerated heartbeat . All I wanted to do was eat my favorite kind of food , and maybe ask someone who hadn 't eaten their mash potato if I could have it . But I felt like throwing up when I turned my head and King Kong and his posse were laughing at me . The days that I looked forward to until then , now became dark days that forced me to take a verbal beating , without knowing how to fight back . All I could do was cry and no one seemed to notice . I did not want my mother to know because her lack of knowing how to drive at the time prevented her to pick me up from school any time they sent the sad girl to the nurses office . So my own remedy to John Godey was hiding . No one ever went to the restrooms near the gym , all because one unfixed light flickered and everyone said it was haunted . I laid my head on the cold floor of the handicapped bathroom stall . It was the most spacious and it was my favorite . Some days , I would spend such a long time inside one that I could imagine it becoming my bedroom . I saw my bed on the corner next to a rail , and next to it my bookshelf with every piece of literature I owned . This was my safe haven during dark third grade days at Farias Elementary . Pretty soon , the name ' Hershey ' caught on and that 's what I became known as . ' Truffle with glasses ' was also another good one , but Hershey hurt more because I was aware that Hershey was a chocolate and at the time I was not acquainted with what a truffle was . During lunch time one day , John 's words to me seemed to not be enough for him anymore that he decided to move on to the next level . I sat down ready to eat the food of the day . I opened my half - pint carton of chocolate milk , and John Godey decided to take my carton and pour it over my only slice of pizza . How could no one see what had happened and why did I sat quiet ? My body had never hurt so much and the floor of that restroom never felt more comforting . Soon after , Mr . Curry finally noticed I had been missing after lunch time for nearly three weeks and the truth finally came out . John Godey was moved to another classroom , but teachers knew that would not fix anything and that he would do the same . His parents decided to move him to another school . John Godey disappeared from my life , but his words lingered within my thoughts and my self - esteem for a very long time . Some say it 's a part of " growing up . " But a person 's childhood should be as eccentric and unforgettable and filled with things around us that make an impact on our lives that shape who we grow up to be . I fought hard with myself to accept this theory . I tried to compare it to chickenpox , where even as an adult , if you had never had it , you had to have it . Two years ago , I walked into a McDonalds . I remember being last in a line of four people waiting to order . As I walked closer to the counter I realized that the cashier was John . He was much taller , slightly thinner than 2003 . John Godey was a man now . I thought of getting out of that line and driving to a different location , but then I realized how many unsaid things I had kept to myself all these years . Would he understand just how many school days I wasted , laying on the floor of a restroom waiting for the day to be over ? I got clammy hands , my blood went cold and I felt two hands wrapped around my throat , preventing me from even thinking of what I would say next . Then it dawned on me to think of where we both were standing , and I grinned just a little , just enough to feel my satisfaction . I walked up the counter and he said to me , " Good afternoon , what will it be ? "

At the entrance you found a calendar to your right from 2014 . The year was 2016 . Without missing it , a red 10 x 30 canvas with pretty , melancholic , blue flowers hung , inviting you in . The bed could fit two people , it seemed perfect for the current situation . I could almost make ourselves out laying there , embracing each other . It had not happened yet , but I could see us . White walls . At the head of the bed there was a single small window with wooden blinds . At the end of the bed there was a TV held by a large drawer , where he kept his clothes perfectly folded . One day I opened my eyes looking at the ceiling . I sat up and looked around the four walls of the room and realized the interior had my name written all over . There was not a corner of the safe - haven that did not have something I had given him . The love was apparent . You could tell that the person who slowly decorated the nearly empty room knew every bit about this boy . His favorite color . The shapes that calmed him and those he preferred having on his skin forever . I had made my mark in that interior that belonged to him . And I hoped that every time he looked around himself , that he would remember me , whether he wanted to think of me or not . After the long and winding road that the elementary years were , I looked forward to middle school being a complete different experience , a transformation . I thought deeply about what I thought this " transformation " was , and could not figure out if I was speaking about transforming my physical self , or my attitude towards people around me . I knew I couldn 't pretend to be careless and outspoken only to go back to being polite and quiet an hour later . So the summer before the next three years of public school began , I was determined to go on a " diet . " As a former child of bullying , based off my physical appearance , I wanted this diet to be the door to a new beginning . But who was I kidding ? The summer before middle school began , I did nothing but celebrate the fact that the coming school year would not be in the same building for another six years , with the same people . The first day of middle school was an uncomfortable disaster that spread throughout the first few weeks . I loved food , but lunch time was my least favorite part of the day . Students did not sit at a designated table together by class anymore . It was now a natural selection contest . Everyone had somewhere to go : Good looking kids , band students , troublemakers , athletic children , people who wore black from head to toe - everybody . I fit nowhere . I would constantly find myself arriving at the cafetorium and looking around for someone to eat with , or at least sit with for the next forty minutes . It was a Friday , when I found a booth next to a window , behind the table where lunch ladies took their break . I sat down and began eating as quickly as possible , to avoid troublemakers pestering me , calling me " Lunch Lady " for sitting at that table . As I indulged into my macaroni , suddenly a tall white boy made his way and sat down in front of me . I immediately stood up and almost ran in fear of him approaching me only to tease me . He opened his mouth and said to me , " Wait ! Where are you going ? Why are you leaving ? " I really hadn 't communicated with anyone other than teachers and janitors that first week , much less any peers , and very much less a boy . I turned and looked at him as he sat down right where I was . " Wow ! Am I really that ugly ? Is it okay if I sit here because I 'm already sitting down ? " I didn 't know how to respond , so I stayed quiet hoping he would just go away but also hoping he would stay . He kept on talking , " I 'm David . " I nodded in understanding . " What do they call you ? " he asked . It took me a while to process the question . I thought of all the little names my mother called me by . I thought of all the names mean kids used to call me by . I then thought of the name I had been given at birth . " My name is Daphne Vaughn , " I answered with a monotone voice as if I had been programmed to speak like that . " Cool ! Do people call you dee - dee ? " he asked . " My name is Daphne Vaughn , " I said again , restating my answer . He kept on talking , and as freaked out as I was at everything that was happening that had never happened to me , I couldn 't help but notice the way this boy looked . He had a perfectly parted blond mane with dark roots peaking from where his hair began . Dark - thick eyebrows , blue eyes and long eyelashes . He had two overbites like my cousin Louis . The color of his skin reminded me of a bright sunshine , he was like no one I had ever seen . After analyzing him for what seemed a long time , I looked away almost immediately . However long it was that I had stared at him , his features became a part of my memory forever . " Ugh . All week I 've been jumping from table to table , you know , just to test out the people around here . But I think I 'm gonna stay here . " I had someone to eat with now . I had a friend . As the school year proceeded , it became a daily routine to grab our food and begin looking for each other to sit and eat and talk as much as we possibly could before the 40 minutes were up . I loved watching as others stared at two very different people coming together . His favorite color was baby blue but he didn 't have to tell me but I knew because he tried to wear it as much as he could . Mine was pink , but most of the time the colors of the hand - me - down clothes I wore were already predetermined for me . For the most part of lunch time he would talk to me about people from his class he didn 't like . " Becky told me that she was going out Ricky . I had to pretend like I believed her , I mean … c ' mon ! Her ? No way . " I didn 't know how to jump in to continue with the conversation so I would ask him things about him instead . " How tall is your dad ? " " Hmm … I don 't know . As tall as that restroom door I guess . " He told me about his father moving the family from San Diego , California to Texas because his grandfather was sick and wanted to be with him . The more he would open up to her during conversations , the more I learned to do it myself . Not just with him but with others as well . We talked movies , and he was shocked when I told him that I had never watched a movie in a movie theater . He tried to relate and said he had , but preferred watching them on TV because they had commercial breaks and he could go to the restroom without missing out on anything . We talked of what we hoped to become when we got older . " I want to be a dentist . " I said . He looked at me with a funny face , " A dentist ? EW . I … " He paused for a long while , gazing at his chocolate milk , " I want to go to the moon . I want to live there and never come back down . I bet it 's quiet , " he said with hope and illusion in his voice . As we got to know each other more over lunch meals , he told me how his mother had died when he was in first grade and how it was only his older sister and his father left of what was once a perfect family portrait . As much as I wanted to , I could not relate to him in that sense , because my family was complete . He was the youngest child in his family and I was the oldest , but somehow we found a kind of balance to be the siblings we wish we could have been to one another . Even though we were both completely different people , we found common ground in being outsiders . Seventh grade went to by like a breeze for me with David by my side . David was a magnet of happiness and energy . He was polite yet always spoke his mind . With time , people began to find David interesting ; as interesting as I always had . His personality attracted others to him , without him even trying to be the cool kid . Everybody knew him . Everybody wanted to be friends with him . People now looked for the table where he sat at and made their way over to us . Well , made their way over to him . We both appreciated and accepted new people that came into our lives and the way our own lives were changing . Due to different courses we took , our lunch times were also different . I ate during Lunch A , he ate during Lunch B . Switching from class to class in the hallways became the place to meet now . Every now and then we made sure to glance at each other , over the crowds of people and smile and wave , just to remind each other we were still there . It became evident that he was no longer the new kid and I became a new person . I didn 't see much of David the summer before high school but I was aware that he was going back to California to visit family for a while . When he came back , he invited me over to watch TV . " I know I 've missed you too ! Like a bunch ! Well … um … do you want to come over and watch a movie on TV ? It will be anything we find on a channel . " I felt that maybe he only asked out of guilt for the lack of communication during the final middle school year . I was still happy he asked because it would be the first time I ever made my way past his front door , but I had to say no because my parents never let me go over people 's homes . We talked maybe a couple of times on the phone after that , but I just couldn 't wait to see him in person and maybe eat lunch again , even if it was that first year just like middle school . High school came around and I felt different . But just as I had seen a change in myself , I also witnessed something different in David . I saw David 's glare slowly dimming that first year of high school . In my eyes , he was always the perfect being that couldn 't be dismantled with words or bad days . Anytime I asked him what was wrong he always replied with , " I 'm okay Dee Dee . Don 't worry about me , okay girl ? " How could I possibly not ? The past three years of my life had been completely turned around thanks to his patience and understanding of the quiet , shy girl I was . I felt indebted to him . One day towards the end of freshmen year he called me on the phone asked to see me in person . His voice had never sounded as serious and manly as it did that day . We met at Sherwood Park one evening after school . We sat and slowly swung on the swing set made for kids . The sun was setting behind him , and I could just barely see remnants of the blonde that dominated his hair years before . He looked down to the ground , speechless and from that angle , I could still see those physical features that beautifully stood out to me the day we first met . He was becoming a man , but he was still just David to me . Although his skin still shined like the sun , his wondering eyes told me that something deep within him was eating at what was left of the happiness he once owned . I held his hand and he began crying , right there , in front of the world . " I need to tell you something , " he said to me . " I 'm , ugh , this is so hard to say . Like , I just can 't . But I want to . " He stopped and got down to his knees just like I do when I pray . " Daphne , I 'm gay . " " I know , " she said to him . He laid his head on my bent knees , sobbing , while I hugged him with all the love that I had for him , because he was my friend , the brother I never had , unconditionally . Although I hoped that his confession to me would bring us closer , it only drew us apart . We talked every once in a while through the phone , but nothing compared to actual face to face conversations like those forty minute ones back in middle school . I repeatedly reminded him that I loved him whenever I had a chance , because I knew he needed that . I didn 't want him to think that anything had changed , because he was still just David to me . Maybe there had been clear signs when we were younger , but I never paid attention to them because nothing set him apart from me or anybody else . I wanted to go back to that time , but those years seemed farther away with each passing day . Sophomore year of high school seemed like a longer bridge between us . I began taking advanced classes and he seemed much farther away now . One day during lunch time , I saw him eating with the kind of girls that we used to call , " mean girls " because of how popular and well liked they thought they were . I didn 't see it as him becoming one of them , but it seemed like he was looking for a place to belong again . Although he looked much different now , for a moment he looked like the boy from middle school who hopped from table to table looking for a quiet one to sit at . One day after school I skipped math tutorials to go visit him because I hadn 't seen him in about two weeks . Of all the years I had known him , I had never been to his house . I knocked and his older sister answered the front door . " Yes ? " she said . She looked tired and angry . I could have guessed that she was his stepmom from the way she looked , but she looked too much like him . " Is David home ? " I asked . " Um , sure " , she said , not really certain she wanted to let me in . I finally walked through that front door of David 's home . Walked through the halls . His house did not have picture frames of family portraits like I did . Only one couch in a large living room . Not much in there but sad baby blue walls . She directed me to his room and let him know from the outside that he had a visitor . It all felt very confidential as if I was walking into an executive 's office or a hospital room . Once the door opened , I found him reading a book . It all seemed staged , prepared as if that is what he did anytime someone came over . Once he saw it was only me , he ran up to me and hugged me as tight as the day he confessed to me his truth . He waited to speak until his sister 's footsteps couldn 't be heard anymore . " David , what 's going on ? " I tried hard not to sound like a worried mother , but I couldn 't help it . " You know what 's going on , " he said in an annoyed tone of voice . I stared at him for a long while and he finally opened up . " I told my sister , but she betrayed me . She told my dad and he 's really mad at me Dee Dee . He doesn 't stop screaming at me that he 's disappointed , that I disgust him . " " I 'm sorry , " was all I could say . Although I didn 't know exactly what he was going through , the hurt in his eyes shot through me . No , I couldn 't relate , but I saw just how hurt he had been by his own family . It was clear to me that he was ' grounded ' and that his father had put him away from being seen from the rest of the world . " My dad says that I can only go to school and come back . He won 't let me out anywhere until I " fix myself " . " I didn 't know what to say to that . At that moment , I did not have the answer to anything . All I could do was stare at the book that lay between us on his bed , speechless , like I wished I never would be again . I saw him the first day of junior year crossing from the boy 's restroom to his first period class . He wore baggy pants , Jordan shoes , and an over sized tee shirt was his style now . From a distance , he was unrecognizable , but I tried hard to find something of the old David in the few seconds that time had allowed me to see my old friend again . A few weeks later , I found time in my busy schedule to call him and see how he was doing . His sister answered the phone as she usually did . " Hello ? " " Hello . Is David home by any chance ? " She then followed to laugh hysterically at me , as if I had said something funny . " Wow , it has been long since you 've been around here , hasn 't it ? " " I 'm sorry . I 'm … not really understanding ? " " He lives at 108 Honey Street now . Figure it out . It was nice knowing you . " Aside from the many questions that this two minute phone call gave me , the confusion was just unbearable . It didn 't take me long to make my way to that address and find out just what I had to discover . The home I did not recognize . I knocked four times . There was no answer . Knocked twice and as I turned to walk away from what I thought was a bad joke , someone opened the door . Maria Dorian opened the door . Maria Dorian was known around school as a girl who was composed of bad grades and a bad reputation . She did not know me but I sure knew her . She started at me with a puzzled look , but not as puzzled as I was . " I 'm sorry . Um … I am … looking for David Lanier ? " " And you are ? " " A friend . " " A friend , huh ? Hey , they 're looking for you . " I did not know exactly what was going on , but what I did know is that I wanted to throw up . Had David been kicked out from his house by his father ? And if he was , why didn 't he come to me instead ? He stepped from behind this person . There he was . In the flesh . The boy who grew up and disappeared . He closed the door behind him . " What are you doing here ? " he asked . I had the same question in mind . " You 're sister said you live here now ? David , what 's going on ? " He looked at me with exhaustion and embarrassment . " Things have happened . Things have changed . I 'm … I 'm with Maria now . " " What ? " It seemed to me like he had just spoken gibberish to me . I could not understand and I didn 't want to . " Yes . I have to live up to my actions . I 'm a man and I 'm with her now . Please leave . Not now Dee Dee . Please . " The tears that I knew he wished he could cry , I cried for him . My disbelief and horror at what he had said to me made me vanish from the scene immediately . By the time that graduation came around , David had become pretty much a memory . I do admit to be at fault for not trying harder to get in touch with him , but he never tried either . People , opportunities , jobs , relationships came and went for me . My job moved me six hours away from my hometown , so the chance to start anew somewhere else presented itself and I took it . Ultimately , six years went by and so did the hope of reconnecting with him . I drove by his old home during a visit a month ago . It looked like it had abandoned for some time now . I can only guess that maybe the family went back to California . Nothing special to note it as " David 's home . " Nothing except the one time I had ever been there . David was a very special person to me . Nothing like him had ever happened to me . I do thank him from the bottom of my heart for sitting down with me at that lunch table that Friday . I thank him for choosing my table to be the one he would sit at . If would have run away from him that day , I would have been running all my life , but I stayed and I wish that he would have stuck around as well . If someone would have asked me to write about someone great that made an impact in my life a week ago , I promise you I would have procrastinated to do it . Not because of laziness , simply because remembering him clearly would have been hard to do if it would not have been for yesterday . I arrived just yesterday to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family . Sherwood Park celebrated the holiday by giving away free pie . I made my way for a free piece on my way home . The park flooded with hundreds of unfamiliar faces . When suddenly , over the many , a man came into my focus . Everyone else blurred out from my vision . Everyone but the man who was once my friend . There he was . I don 't know if alone or with company , but there David was . And I stood on my toes to grab a better glimpse of him . It seemed like a dream but there he was . I looked over all the people , hoping he would look at me and wave over the crowd to remind ourselves that there we were . But I also hoped he wouldn 't . And slowly he blended in with the many , becoming just another stranger . Uncategorized THESE RAMBLING THOUGHTS COME AND GO like the waves of Galveston Beach that kissed our toes that summer day . After a while of coming and going they finally crash into me . You dove right in . You got sunburned . It 's hard not to know where we stand . It 's difficult to try and attempt to tap into your mind and your thoughts without actually asking you to talk to me about how you feel when you 're around me , when you see me . About where we are and where we 're going . I don 't want to scare you with these questions and even though they are questions I have to ask , I only think of them . They say that I am young and that I should have fun ! Explore and meet . Try and fail . Kiss and tell , or don 't . For a while this was my aesthetic but the more I know you , the more I realize that I know what I want and where I want to be . 6th grade : First little boyfriend . I used to " pretend to not like him or his groove . " It all came down to the realization that I was just a jealous little pretender who wanted to be as close to him as his best friend was . I confessed my feelings for him and we made our way towards each other . People looked on , watching the spectacular show that was a brown , chubby girl with glasses and a small , white boy . 8th grade : First little boyfriend 's mother moved him away from " the ghetto " school district . He broke up with me and I didn 't even notice he had . I thought long - distance was a thing . 10th grade : I crushed on a boy who never looked at me . He was funny , he was chubby , he was perfect to me . Also , I realized that I was attracted to humans , not boys , not girls , but humans . For three months , I made my way down the halls of building " B " hand in hand with my lady friend . 11th grade : While I still was into the idea of liking people for who they were on the inside and not what gender they identified with on the outside , I went back to day dreaming about the boy . He lost weight . He shed the funny off as well and underneath those extra 70 pounds he once wore was a first - class asshole . Senior Year : In a relationship with school work , extra curricular activities , beginning a new job . And as I strolled through the front doors of the new job place I bumped into the boy that would be the one to begin and end it all . The demise of dreams and fantasies of years of day dreaming of the perfect person ; He did away with all of that . All of me . So as you can see from that quick rundown , there has never really been a consistent pattern of people in my love life . Most of the time growing up , people I liked were people from TV shows , boys that I only looked at from far away , boys that stood next to me that didn 't want to stand next to me . People that were only for the season and not for a reason . And at the most important year of my life came a person that pushed me to limits I didn 't know could even exist . They say that love is blind and I wholeheartedly believe that . I believe that you can meet someone and give them all that you are . And being who I am , I will indulge in the other person completely . I will dive in and try to always find the best in them , even in the darkest of places . In the darkness I will always look for the light and when that light begins to dim , I will make sure I take care of it and guard it from the winds that might burn it out completely . When you are down , I will bring you back up . I watched him fall so many times and those many times I picked him up . He never gave me the gift of his company , when my minutes and seconds were his , unconditionally . I waited for him outside until he opened his door , the door - to his mind , to his thoughts , to his heart . Healed his wounds , and when it was my turn , when I would reach out for him , he only looked back as if to say , " I can 't right now . " Eventually , not ever . He said sorry and I said , " It 's okay . " I 've known you from Halloween with our costumes and friends , to Thanksgiving , to our Christmas days together . That New Years phone call and meeting my family a week later . Valentines day . Opening the dance floor at your friends wedding and slow dancing to ' Thinking Out Loud . ' My 23rd birthday : Getting away from it all by taking off to a different state and spending a few days in the mountains . I never really made it on to my feet while skiing , but falling down many times never mattered , because I was with you . Eight months have gone by now , and it gets harder every time I see you . It 's hard to stand next to you , because it still feels like you 're miles away . We walk hand in hand , you kiss me and hold me . We make each other laugh , we sing to our favorite music while we drive around in your truck and it feels like I 've known you forever . And then I wake up from this perfect dream and I realize that even though this is really happening , even though I became yours long ago , that you still are not mine . I try my best to enjoy it all and live in the moment . And then I realize that we live on borrowed time , that life is so short . That even though my " love life timeline " does not show case the longest , or most consistent relationships , that I know what it is that I want and who it is that I want when I wake up next to you . In you I have found a friend , a mentor , a confidant , a gentleman , an adventurous companion , and a bearer of great taste in music . A beautiful human made of flaws stitched together with good intentions . Someone who sees past my glasses and own imperfections . I see myself growing up with you . And in between the many things that I only think to myself and never ask you , I ask and I wonder if you think the same of me . Willing to keep the wind from blowing the light out , I protect it with my hands , but I realize that unfortunately , I cannot do this forever . Uncategorized It 's 4 : 40 AM . I woke up thanks to the heat in the room I am in . I took a shower the night before , I fell asleep with wet hair and then I think of how my mother is mostly always right . " Don 't sleep with wet hair ! It 's bad for you ! " Well , I don 't know how bad it really is to your health but what I do know is that if you sleep in a room with no a / c , the heat will crawl up to your head and make you sweat and make you sticky and make you wake up at 4 : 40 in the morning . You will then proceed to contemplate on whether or not you should stay awake for work and start getting ready . I mean , you wake up at 6 and that is only an hour away . You lay back down , your hair tied up now and set up an alarm for 45 minutes later . Phone off . " Hmm . I wonder what the fastest way to losing body fat is … " Phone on . Google , " Fastest way to lose body fat . . " results are exactly what you 've read before . Phone off . " Let 's swipe left a little for a while , I 'm not really that sleepy and this alarm will go off soon . Phone on . Open up Tinder . Swipe left . Swipe left . Swipe … . Hmm . . maybe . . nah . Swipe left . Swipe left . Phone off . Eyes become moist . It 's not the hot room making your eyes water . It 's the thought of everything . Everything you used to have , or at least thought you had . It 's the thought of what you had to let go and the thought of what you want now . You fall asleep . Work in 40 . Time has gone by so quick . And going into a job that I caught on to so quickly does not help at all when I want to just take a step back and see everything I have accomplished so far . I guess that 's a good thing in a way ? Maybe . There is so much to do around here , and in the three months I 've been here , I 've only experienced only about 15 % of it all . There are beautiful running / walking trails you can find between the neighborhoods that make you realize you need an awesome paying job to one day live in one of those mansions . Mountain hikes that give you an awesome view of the downtown skyline , along with all that cedar . At the top of Mount Bonnell … Okay . Get me down . Now . This time last year , I was living the life of a final year college student . Ready to finish strong and graduate . I never thought of moving anywhere else . I had my framily ( friends like family ) all around me . Awesome job . Concerts almost every weekend . Then came the realization that it was time to move closer to home , and Austin , TX was the closest I would get . Right in the middle of my home town and where I loved being , it seemed like the perfect place . One time a co - worker that found out I was moving said to me , " Austin , TX , huh ? Good for you . You look like an Austin kind of girl . " I asked why and she said , " Well you 're just so nice and perky and creative . And you 're young ! " And that always stayed with me . Things were just beginning to fall into place for me . It was scary , but I jumped off at the highest point . The point where you look down and the earth below you is a microscopic version of itself . The point where your stomach hurts , palms are sweaty , and you think of taking a step back and rescheduling that jump , but then … you do it . And fear , self - doubt , and hopelessness fills you , but so does determination , confidence and hopefulness . There are many delicious places that you just " have to go to ! " according to many websites and people who have lived here for as long as I have been alive , as well as those that haven 't been here for that long and are still discovering the grub spots themselves . The biggest attraction for many is 6th Street . I 'm sure you 've heard of it , but just in case you have not … It 's a huge street filled with bars and underground dance clubs and beautifully expensive restaurants and food trucks ( of course ) . It 's considered the Live Music Capital of the World , " and that my friends , it is . On almost every corner , you see lamp posts covered with posters of local bands playing at different clubs or bars . Walking down 6th , music from live instruments fill the street , tempting you to walk into the location , or at least stand outside and little for a little , because like many of today 's most successful artists got their start playing at clubs as such . It 's great to walk around and suddenly bump into congress street , which , if you turn right or left ( depending on where it is that you 're standing ) you will see the majestic TEXAS STATE CAPITAL building . It 's a breathtaking historic architectural structure . It 's green grounds make it a perfect spot for a picnic , or a peaceful sanctuary to sit down at and read , or write . Laredo , TX ( my hometown ) is lovely . A small town , coming into its own by growing slowly but surely . Dallas , TX was just amazing to me . Being a small town girl , I only ever dreamed of walking among the buildings that made up the neon skyline I would only see in postcards . It was a whole other world . And now Austin , TX I feel offers me a little bit of both . Small and quiet in certain corners , yet industrial and adventurous . So it 's been 90 days … Well 91 now since having to write between breaks at work delayed me by a day to post it yesterday . Every day I discover a new route home . A hidden mall behind pine trees . A new favorite restaurant . Someone new that I get to have a conversation with and call my friend and fellow Austinite . It 's definitely a city where riding a bike and walking around with a back pack instead of a purse is a norm . It 's a city where even between the rush of the streets and the hassle of a long work day , I can still find time to open up a new post and finish it . I have tried so many times to delete the " Love Hurts " playlist on my Spotify . I am not kidding . I have a playlist that I am attached to that is titled after an Incubus song . This playlist includes songs such as : … you get the point . It 's music that will remind you of the one you loved before they left you broken and shattered into a million little pieces . It 's music that will make you want to be in a music video where it 's raining outside and you 're looking out a window . And with that little excerpt of inside into what I listen to when I am feeling down , I must admit that I am a huge fucking moper . Is that a word ? Or did that added suffix make the word mope sound like I might be a drug user ? Hmmm . I don 't know . But give me some mope . and I was only nine years of age at the time . School had always been a fascination to me . I had the chance to learn something new every day . I got to raise up my hand and feel good when the words from my mouth were correct . I had always been seen by others as peculiar and dressing up like a hybrid cross between Angelica from the Rugrats and Urkel did not help at all . I was a nine year old , obsessed with Saturday Night Live , anything Lisa Frank , metallic butterfly hair clips and vocabulary books . Anything I thought looked pretty , I wore . Even if it was a baby blue fuzzy sweater that fit me tight , I felt like no one else owned that piece of fashion and that no one was me . I never tried to be someone else , because I never did know that was an option . A boy named John Godey seemed to think otherwise . Up until the day that third grade began , I had never been noticed by anyone . I made my way through the early years of grade school by being quiet and only speaking when I was spoken to - manners my parents had taught me . I was well aware that I was always the chubby , brown girl in my classes . Other girls my age had the same characteristics : straight hair , light colored skin , thin little bodies . I sat in my designated seat that first day of third grade , next to the person whose last name came after mine , next to the person that would make the next year of elementary school a hell on earth . I noticed that he too was different like me . He was bigger compared to Ricky Sanchez , the boy who I had a crush on . His head peaked above everybody else , he seemed to have no neck so all you could see was a big head mounted to a big body , much like a play dough figurine . I felt my ears get warm , followed by nervous perspiration from my forehead and an accelerated heartbeat . All I wanted to do was eat my favorite kind of food , and maybe ask someone who hadn 't eaten their mash potato if I could have it . But I felt like throwing up when I turned my head and King Kong and his posse were laughing at me . The days that I looked forward to until then , now became dark days that forced me to take a verbal beating , without knowing how to fight back . All I could do was cry and no one seemed to notice . I did not want my mother to know because her lack of knowing how to drive at the time prevented her to pick me up from school any time they sent the sad girl to the nurses office . So my own remedy to John Godey was hiding . No one ever went to the restrooms near the gym , all because one unfixed light flickered and everyone said it was haunted . I laid my head on the cold floor of the handicapped bathroom stall . It was the most spacious and it was my favorite . Some days , I would spend such a long time inside one that I could imagine it becoming my bedroom . I saw my bed on the corner next to a rail , and next to it my bookshelf with every piece of literature I owned . This was my safe haven during dark third grade days at Farias Elementary . Pretty soon , the name ' Hershey ' caught on and that 's what I became known as . ' Truffle with glasses ' was also another good one , but Hershey hurt more because I was aware that Hershey was a chocolate and at the time I was not acquainted with what a truffle was . During lunch time one day , John 's words to me seemed to not be enough for him anymore that he decided to move on to the next level . I sat down ready to eat the food of the day . I opened my half - pint carton of chocolate milk , and John Godey decided to take my carton and pour it over my only slice of pizza . How could no one see what had happened and why did I sat quiet ? My body had never hurt so much and the floor of that restroom never felt more comforting . Soon after , Mr . Curry finally noticed I had been missing after lunch time for nearly three weeks and the truth finally came out . John Godey was moved to another classroom , but teachers knew that would not fix anything and that he would do the same . His parents decided to move him to another school . John Godey disappeared from my life , but his words lingered within my thoughts and my self - esteem for a very long time . Some say it 's a part of " growing up . " But a person 's childhood should be as eccentric and unforgettable and filled with things around us that make an impact on our lives that shape who we grow up to be . I fought hard with myself to accept this theory . I tried to compare it to chickenpox , where even as an adult , if you had never had it , you had to have it . Two years ago , I walked into a McDonalds . I remember being last in a line of four people waiting to order . As I walked closer to the counter I realized that the cashier was John . He was much taller , slightly thinner than 2003 . John Godey was a man now . I thought of getting out of that line and driving to a different location , but then I realized how many unsaid things I had kept to myself all these years . Would he understand just how many school days I wasted , laying on the floor of a restroom waiting for the day to be over ? I got clammy hands , my blood went cold and I felt two hands wrapped around my throat , preventing me from even thinking of what I would say next . Then it dawned on me to think of where we both were standing , and I grinned just a little , just enough to feel my satisfaction . I walked up the counter and he said to me , " Good afternoon , what will it be ? "

She is Modesta 's mother and is 46 years of age . Little is known about her other than she owned the property on which her family resided . She may board children for people ( day care ? ) At that time the railroads are the largest landowner and employer in the State of California . Politically , they control everything . Their word is law in an area with few laws . The Sheriff , Richard T . Harris , is newly elected and supported by the railroad . He is 30 and born in Virginia . Newly married , no children . An older Hispanic gentleman rises , crosses himself and says , " It is the ghost of Modesta Avila . She lived here over a hundred years ago and was sent to prison for fighting the railroad and , they claim , trying to stop the trains from illegally running through her property . She appears now and then to remind people how badly they treated her . To us , she is a hero . " An attractive 21 year old girl is sweeping and cleaning dust and soot from the sparse furniture in her small home . Like all of her family , including her parents , she is an American , born in California , but is of Mexican descent and treated as a foreigner , fi not worse . She is Modesta Avila . A group of men representing the railroad are sitting behind a table . One by one , the Mexican landowners step forward and ask for compensation for the railroad tracks being put on their property , along with damages . The room is crowded and noisy ( mostly in Spanish ) Her sister brings Modesta a letter from the post office . It is from the railroad and addressed to her . Believing it is her money she opens it excitedly . Modesta is doing her wash . It is then that she decides to string her clothes line across the tracks as a protest . Her younger sister argues with her , but Modesta insists on doing it anyway . It was not designed for both men and women and often full of vagrants . That presents a problem to the Sheriff . He is finally able to find a cell where she can be away from the men . The courtroom is upstairs over a store in downtown Santa Ana . It is filled with spectators , many of whom are armed , as are the judge and attorneys . There is drinking , spitting , yelling and swearing going on . The judge is barely in control . The note itself concerns the prosecution and the jury . It reveals that Modesta is bilingual . This appears to give her more credibility as a landowner . The prosecution doesn 't like that . First the prosecution 's questioning of both his and her witnesses focuses on questions about her whereabouts at the time of the crime . This is followed by a number of witnesses who testify to observing her drunk , under arrest or in jail . Then the prosecution calls to the stand Charles Sumner McKelvey , Justice of the Peace for Santa Ana Township . An elderly man , living by himself in a rural California community , is given a spaceship by aliens who are living on the far side of the moon . He is taken to the moon in it where he is revitalized and informed their days are numbered and that they are entrusting him with all of their knowledge which he is to ration to the people of earth , but only for good purposes . Once back on earth he starts to recruit , with the permission of the aliens , several friends who will soon become old looking , but internally revitalized to their youth , super - heroes . In his late 20s he had thought he might be a candidate for astronaut school . He had the aptitude , but that was about it . They were looking for experienced pilots who could handle the force of several times gravity and rebound immediately . He wasn 't sure about that , however , now , nearly 50 years later , he realized that possibility was no longer his at all . But , that didn 't stop his imagination nor his belief that perhaps nothing is impossible . Several times he had written down a series of numbers that he thought came from a friend who had passed on and were the winning numbers in the state lottery . But they never were . Once he scribbled a series of three numbers on the pad that came to him in his sleep not once , not twice but three times . These numbers , it turned out , were not an exotic formula for time travel , but from the deepest part of his mind the combination to the lock on the barn that he had long ago cut off because he had forgotten the numbers . But there were also some interesting markings - neither numbers nor letters - that he copied from a magazine story on someone who had supposedly visited and alien spacecraft and seen them on it . He wasn 't sure why he copied them down , other than they were just interesting . After taking his morning vitamins and enjoying a cup of coffee and half a bagel , he walked back towards his bedroom to put on clothes for his morning walk , which he took with some neighbors . As he passed the basement door , he saw the basement light was again on . This is insane , he thought . Why is this light coming on by itself ? He grabbed the switch and firmly turned it off . The light went off and then , almost immediately , came on again . He flicked the switch on and off several more times , but the light just kept coming on by itself . He didn 't tell them about what had been going on during the night . In fact , other than his psychologist friend , he had told no one else about any of the things that had been going on for the past few months . Some things , he thought , are really better left unsaid . Synopsis : Time portals open up through two windows in an old man 's house , one to the far past and one about 100 years in the future . Through the future one he meets a family with a problem ; through the other one he discovers ancient beasts . Using both , he is able to solve the family from the futures problem , but finds that all that travels through time may not survive . He thought to himself , I don 't need to pee , but I probably should anyway . If I don 't , I will have to in an hour . I won 't get back to sleep without doing it . He rolled himself out of bed and as his feet hit the floor his right knee sent back a shot of pain . That damn knee , he thought , sometimes it hurts , but not bad enough to get it replaced . I wish it would make up its mind . This gettin ' old is gettin ' old . Jim had been married twice , the second one ending some thirty years before . There had been other relationships with women since then , but nothing serious enough to warrant a third try . Sure , there were times he was lonely , but between the consulting he did , his writing and his friends , he kept his mind on other things . Jim unlatched the window and pushed it open . The fogginess stayed , but as the window opened outward , it too became fuzzy . He reached out his hand and it also became fuzzy as it passed through the window opening , so he immediately jerked it back . " What the hell is going on here ? , " he said out loud . Then thoughts raced through his mind . It seems to be something like the time portals I saw on the many television shows that were popular a decade or so ago . Maybe they are real . Then he laughed to himself thinking , No , it couldn 't be . Still a bit concerned , he returned to his bedroom , turned on the light and walked over to the window that also faced to the north and , with a bit of apprehension , pulled back the drapes and looked out . Even with the plastic over the window , he could see that everything seemed to be okay . There in the bright moonlight was his carport , his car and even the rototiller he was trying to get running again . He walked back into the bathroom and again looked out the window . The fogginess was still there . Unconvinced , he unlatched and opened the window again , and , holding his breath against the anticipated smell , stuck his head out . Yes , the buildings were still there , just like before . Now more than curious , he looked around for a few seconds this time . The buildings appeared to be abandoned and needed work . Most of the windows were broken and the land around them was covered with discarded furniture and trash . The landscape itself was barren . He looked at the other buildings and didn 't see any balconies on them . This must be a special building of some sort , he guessed . Then , looking up , he saw the face . I shouldn 't have looked around that long , he thought while mentally kicking himself . God , I hope he didn 't really see me . I have no idea what is going on and this could complicate things . Lifting the window , he found the screen kept him from looking out . Unlatching and dropping the screen to the ground , he poked his head out , just missing the trunk of a large , odd looking tree that was just a few inches on the other side of the fogginess . It was mostly off to one side , so moving his head slightly to the right he could see around the tree and into an open forest of similar trees . It was dark out there and since he still had his flashlight in his hand , he stuck it through the window and looked around . He could see there were more of these odd looking trees where his driveway should be and where his garden and pond should be . The open forest went on as far as he could see . Taking his revolver from its hiding place , he tucked it into the pocket of his robe . " I don 't know what I am going to find . " he mumbled to himself , " I better be prepared . " As he walked along his porch that went the width of his house , he noticed that everything seemed to be there . Even the odds and ends that long ago he had put there , planning on taking to the sheds or putting into the trash . He shook his head and reminded himself , I really have to get after that stuff . This place is a mess . He reached the end of the porch , stepped down and headed north along the west side of his house . Everything seemed normal , but he didn 't see the screen that he had knocked out so that he could reach through the portal . This is really strange , he thought . I guess it fell to the other side of the portal or whatever it is . After standing there for a few moments and putting his revolver back in his pocket , he shined his flashlight into the bedroom window . He could see inside . He waved his hand outside the window where he though the portal should be and found nothing . He continued his walk around the east and north sides of the house , came back up onto the porch and walked back into the house . Everything looked okay . He was relieved , but still very confused . When he reached his bed , he looked again towards the window on the west , the window to the forest . It looked the same : foggy . Then there was a gentle knock that seemed to come from the bathroom . Because the door to the bathroom was closed , he could barely hear it . It happened several times again and then stopped . With everything that was going on , he thought he just might be imagining it . He didn 't really know what to do and thought back at what had happened during the night . If those really are time portals , one to the future and one to the past , there could be some dangers , serious dangers , he thought . A thousand questions still crossed his mind . What if the portals are only one - way ? What if something from the future comes through the portal , will it disappear ? It doesn 't exist now . What if someone goes out through the portal to the past and does some damage ? Will it change the world as we know it ? He ran all these thoughts by his mind and remembered several things he had read . Didn 't Einstein say that time travel to the past was impossible ? Didn 't other scientists say that if it was possible , because what ever you did would have happened already and nothing you could do would change the future ? Didn 't I stick my hand , flashlight and head through each portal and get them back ? " Maybe that was a really dumb idea , " he said out loud . Obviously scared , the boy looked at Jim , smiled and softly said , " Hi , I live in the building over there with my mom and sister , " he said , pointing to the window where Jim had seen him earlier . " I play in this building and have never seen anybody here in a long time , ever since those people moved out . Are you one of them coming back ? " " I don 't know where we are . I think my mom said it used to be part of a place called northern California , what ever that means . But I do know it is the 37th year of the New Republic , " the boy answered while lifting himself up onto the window sill to see inside the house . " I learned that in school , before they closed it . " All of a sudden Cain slipped and fell into the house and onto the floor of Jim 's bathroom . He didn 't disappear , he didn 't evaporate , he just lay there . A look of relief came on Jim 's face . So much for that theory , he thought . Cain was dressed in a blue shirt and pants that were very worn and looked like they were once part of a dark blue uniform . He also had on a badly worn pair of nondescript tennis shoes . There was some kind of symbol on the shirt , but what that meant , was far secondary to the other questions Jim had . " There were some funny flashes and lighting last night , " interrupted Cain . " That is why I was looking out the window and saw you . Maybe that is what caused it . " " My mom , my sister and I are the only ones , " replied Cain . " When the army came through and burned everything , everyone else left and they haven 't come back . I thought you might be one of them coming back . " It is very lonely here by ourselves . I haven 't been to school or seen any of my friends for three months . Tell me they are coming back . " " How old are you , " he asked . " 11 , but I will be 12 in just one month , " Cain answered . " My sister is four and my mom is about 35 , I think . My dad would be about 37 , but we don 't know where he is . The army took him when they came through . " " Sure , " said Jim . " Just knock like you did this time and , if I am here , I will let you in . Oh , Cain , was there a library or museum here ? " In all the excitement of the visit with Cain , Jim had almost forgotten about the other portal in his bedroom . To investigate that he needed to call a couple of friends he could trust . No way am I going out there , even with a platoon of marines , he reminded himself , but I know who will , he thought with a smile , as he picked up the phone and dialed . He closed and latched the window as his two friends headed into his bedroom . After Cain 's comments about the army , he had placed a black plastic bag over the window so light would not escape and attract someone he didn 't want . He made sure it was in place before he left the room . " What do you think ? , " said Jim . " You guys are experienced outdoorsmen and hunters and you know a bit about physics and biology . What do you think ? " Wes just sat there , but Ray spoke up . " This is the craziest thing I have ever seen . It looks like a forest , but smells a bit like … different . " You said you thought it was an ancient forest , " continued Ray . " I agree , really ancient , maybe millions of years ancient . " Personally I would like to go out there and take a look around . Are you with me Wes ? " " I 'm not worried , " said Ray . " I 've been in some very dangerous places , both as a Marine and a hunter and I 've faced down some big beasts . But , I 'm going to bring my 44 magnum pistol just to be safe . He hoped that in the next few days Cain 's mother , who he now knew was named Stephanie , would come and talk with him . According to Cain , she was well educated and had a master 's degree in some kind of history , which might be why she , at first , didn 't want to meet him . Maybe , he thought , she couldn 't comprehend the situation . After all even being right in the middle of it , he still had trouble figuring it out . As planned , Wes and Ray showed up at Jim 's around noon the next Monday and started getting ready to slip out the window . They had brought a small step - ladder to make things easier , both on the way out and , especially the way in , if they had to come back fast . It would also mark the entrance to the portal for them . Jim unlatched the window and the two guys went out and stood there looking back at Jim . " The house is gone , " said Ray . All we can see is the window in a grove of trees . It 's kind of scary . " They were only out there a few minutes when Jim , who had stayed by the open window , saw some movement and stuck his head out through the fogginess . Here they both came , yelling at the top of their lungs and running as fast as they could towards the window . In a second both of them were through the window and back in Jim 's bedroom . " It must have been ten or fifteen feet long and was tracking us before we even saw it , " said Ray , who was shaking badly . I 'll bet it was watching us coming down the ladder . It was big and wanted to eat us … it was big and wanted to eat us ! " " Hell no , " answered Wes . " I had my camera in my hand when I saw it and I took one picture . But now I don 't even know where my camera is . " By the way Jim , added Wes , " you and I are about the same size . Can I borrow a clean pair of jeans ? That little adventure caused a bit of an accident . " Jim joined Wes and Ray at his kitchen table . They were sharing a bottle of Irish Whisky , which had been new a few minutes earlier , but was now about half gone . They were simply passing it back and forth , eliminating the need for any glassware . " Don 't worry , " said Ray , " we 'll replace it before then … that 's if we make it until then . No more adventures like that for me . That was a big cat and he wanted to eat us , " he again repeated . The knock was right , so he opened the window expecting to see Cain . He was there , but along with him was his mother , Stephanie , and his sister , whom Cain told him was named Chloe . Like Cain , they looked healthy , but tired . " The New Republic was started a couple of years after the Great War , " said Stephanie . " That was , let me see … " She mumbled to herself for a few seconds and then said , " The Great War ended around 2067 and the New Republic started about 2070 . So , it is 2107 or so . That is my best guess . " Can I ask you a couple of questions ? " said Stephanie . " How did all this happen ? We had this strange electrical storm and all of a sudden you 're here . Or , maybe you were always here and we were there and moved here . It is all so confusing . " " When you said ' sometime in the past , ' I thought you meant a few years or maybe decades , said Stephanie . " This looks like a prehistoric forest . Have you gone out there ? " " We no longer have paper books like you have on your shelf over there , " pointing across the room , " but small chips that fit into a reader . Most of my books are gone , but I will see if I can find something to fill in the gap between you and us . I think I have a couple of extra readers or can find one for you in all of the stuff that was left when people abandoned this area . " " Things did , and then we lost them . " she answered , " Starting around 2030 most of the engineering went into military machines and equipment , not civilian goods , due to an attack on us by a group of foreign nations . It is a bit complicated and I will explain it to you later . Better than that , when I locate the chips and reader for you , you will be able to learn all about it . " We better get back , " she added . " Earlier I thought I saw some smoke on the horizon and that could mean some soldiers might be heading this way . I want to be prepared for them . We have created quite a nice hidden bunker for ourselves . " " Please , just a couple more questions , " said Jim . " My house was about 40 miles east of Sacramento , between the American and Cosumnes rivers . Where are we now ? " " My husband had partially repaired some solar panels and a small nuclear generator when the army took him . On sunny days we can still get enough power to heat water for bathing , but the generator is in bad shape and can only power one or two lights . Other than that … nothing . " Chloe was very sick at the time and we had no other place to go , so when everyone else left , we stayed . I 'm hoping my husband will return . If we left , he might not find us . Stephanie then gave Jim a hug and a kiss on the cheek and , again , thanked him for his help . " As you can see , Chloe is much better now thanks to your generosity . Oh , by the way , do you have any vitamins . The kids and I could use them . It 's scary out there . " " Sure , " answered Jim . " Let 's make it around seven or so , so I can get some sleep between now and then . I 'm an old man , " said Jim as he closed and latched the window and went back to bed . He went to the bathroom and opened the window . There stood Cain and his father , a tall , slim man whose face , like Stephanie 's , showed the effects of a hard life . He also wore some kind of a two - piece uniform , but his was green and brown , somewhat in a camouflage pattern . " I understand , " said Jim with a smile . " When you get old you don 't forget to introduce people , you just forget their names . How about you , Cain , hot chocolate ? " " He has never had hot chocolate or any kind of chocolate for that matter , " interjected Roger , " it is one of the many things no longer on the market . Maybe juice would be better for him . I don 't want him to have a reaction to it . " By the way , I really want to thank you for what you have done for my family . Stephanie has been doing a great job raising them in this mess , but you coming along has really helped . I was delighted to see the glow back on all of their faces . " Jim started a pot of coffee and poured Cain a glass of orange juice . " I made the juice from oranges my daughter grows in Sacramento , " Jim added . " I have a few left that you can take back with you . Roger , the coffee should be ready in a minute or two " " I 'm running from the soldiers , " Roger announced abruptly and unexpectedly . " They are part of one of the many warring factions left over from the Great War . I think my wife filled you in on that . " I learned a lot about everything they have and a couple of months ago they started acting like they thought I might be giving that information to one of their enemies . I wasn 't , but I would have if I thought it would have brought this war to an end . I would love for this whole mess to end so we could get on with something close to a normal life . " " A couple of days later the same friend got a message to me that they had assigned a special task force of five soldiers to find me and assassinate me . He said they wouldn 't stop until they were successful . Apparently they are afraid I know too much to be out here . I 'm sure they figured I would head directly here , but I have doing some backtracking in hopes of throwing them off . So far it has worked , but I am sure they will be here in just a couple of days . " It looks like someone dropped a bomb on your porch , " said Roger with a smile . " I never could get around to straightening things . You are a lot like me . " " Trees , bushes , flowers , birds and a clear blue sky . My parents told me stories of places like this and I always imagined what they would be like , " said Roger . " But , this is even better . " Ignoring Cain for a moment , Roger looked at Jim and said , " Jim , I need your help and I need it badly . I can probably hold off the soldiers for a couple of hours , but once they get me they will kill Steph , Cain and Chloe . I can 't let that happen . " Why don 't the four of you just hide here while the soldiers are looking for you ? , " asked Jim . " Won 't they think you moved on and shortly give up looking ? And , if they don 't , you could stay here forever . " " It 's not that easy , " answered Roger . " They will hunt around looking for me . I am sure they will burn all of the supplies and they will probably burn all of the buildings , including the one that it seems you are virtually within , if there is any sense in this whole portal thing . " Could a bullet pass through the portal into my house , killing me or making it 's location more obvious to the soldiers ? If the window broke , as it surely would in a fire , would the fire jump into my world and spread through my property ? And , what if it the fire then went out the other portal into the past ? All this shot through Jim 's scared , but mostly tired mind . He thought for another minute and then said , " Roger , I would be very happy to watch your family for you . But I don 't think you will be successful and if they burn the buildings , I am not sure what will happen . It could cause problems in three different times , the past , present and future . I would try to explain it to you , but just take my word for it for now . " I think I have a better idea that you , your wife and I should talk about . I will keep her and the kids here and you will attract the soldiers into here . I 'll will take it from there . " " Don 't worry , " said Jim , " at its worst , it will be better than anything else . If everything goes wrong , Stephanie , the kids and I can all run into my woods and be safe . I 'm not sure the soldiers will want to try and follow us there , and if they do , I am sure the sheriff will be able to take care of that . " Yes , " said Roger . My grandfather had an old one and taught me how to use it . As I recall , he and my grandmother lived only a short distance from here . " Roger , still holding the shotgun , took a position behind Jim as he opened the window a crack and listened . There was a lot of yelling and other noise and then , nothing . Apparently the plan had worked . " No , " he answered . " When I first opened the window to throw out the meat , I looked and the step - ladder was gone , as was my screen and Wes 's camera . Without something marking the portal , they would have had an awful time finding it . Who took the stuff , I don 't know . I guess that is a question for another day . " " What does concern me are the weapons and whatever else the soldiers left out there . Roger , you 're the weapons expert . Are they a problem ? " " Not really , " answered Roger . " The are fantastic weapons , but to keep them from being stolen and used by an enemy , they are in contact with a special chip implanted in each soldier . Each one is unique and , without it , they won 't fire . As an added safety , the chip cannot be removed without destroying it . " A bit relieved , Jim turned to Roger and said , " We have one more thing to do . Help me make sure the black plastic fully covers this window and the one in the bathroom . I want to make absolutely sure no light of any kind gets out and attracts someone or something we don 't want , even the smallest bug . " I 'm sure we could all use a shower , I will see what towels I have an put them out for you . There is plenty of soap and shampoo , so help yourself . Then we can button up the house and all get some sleep . In the morning we can figure out what to do next . As he stood there , he noticed that one corner of the black plastic over the window had come loose . When he was finished with what he had come into the bathroom to do , he pushed the loose corner back in place . But , as usual , his curiosity got the best of him , so he turned off the light , pulled the loose corner back and looked out through the window . Immediately he screamed , " Oh my God ! " Jim turned towards him and yelled , " My carport , I can see my carport , I can see my carport . The portal is gone . Come on , let 's check the other one . " Stephanie and the kids were frightened and sitting up in bed wondering what was going on as the two men ran by them to the bedroom window and carefully lifted a corner of the black plastic . Jim could see his driveway , his pond , his trees . This portal was gone too . " Well , we didn 't disappear , " said Roger , " but look around , everything we brought with us did , our clothes , our papers , the history for you and everything else . They are all gone . I guess only living things can survive time travel . " " The guns , " replied Jim , " The guns . They are no longer out there in the past , since they came from the future . But then , neither is the ladder , Jim 's camera or my window screen . " You don 't suppose they went back to the future , which is now , " Jim added as he opened the window and looked out . " Nope , not here . I wonder where they are ? " " I 'll leave you alone , but I 'm heading into the kitchen . I know it is the middle of the night , but I could use a drink . When you get something on , you 're welcome to join me . " Jim let Roger , Stephanie and the kids sleep on his bed , while he made a bed for himself on the couch . In the morning , Jim got up and started fixing breakfast for all of them . Stephanie , wrapped in one of Jim 's robes , came in and gave him a long hug . " Thank you , thank you , " she said . " The kids are still sleeping and maybe we should let them rest , " he said . " They need it . So , have you solved all the problems of the world , or maybe I should say all three worlds ? " " Jim said we can stay here as long as we like , " interrupted Stephanie , as she poured coffee for the three of them . " I said we really belong in our own world and should go back . What do you think ? " " I 'm serious , " interrupted Jim . " I would hate to see you go back to that world the way it is , unless you have a really good reason . I 'm offering again . You can stay here permanently if you want . " I 'll call my attorney . He is an old friend and a science fiction fan , so everything about this will fascinate him . I will tell him everything about you and give him a glimpse through the window at your world . I 'm sure he will be able to come up with some kind of a solution to the problem . At least I hope so . "

Here are some pictures of the new paint color . It is kindof hard to tell the color in the photos , but it looks really good . It really complements the color of the roof . They got quite a bit primed on this side of the house today . They couldn 't work on the roof anymore because the winds were so strong . It was so strong out of the south it was even making it hard to paint the north side of the house . Matthew has been extra tired today . He seems to feel great , just really tired . I got a catalog in the mail this week called Birthday Express . It has tons of different themes for birthday parties . It came at just the right time to plan Matthew 's 1st birthday party . I 'm so excited ! I can 't wait to have it , even though a part of me doesn 't want him to grow up . Lucky boy is going to end up having 2 parties because of the way his birthday falls . Phil said to tell you all that he is tired and he painted alot ! Have a great night ! Our neighbor dog came streaking over to our house tonight and made the cattle run by barking at them . Then she barked and called them all back . It 's really funny to watch . Peppermint was able to call them in and make them leave also . I miss her sooooo much . Anyway , we think that our neighbor is mean to her because she flinches when you go to pet her and when I told her it was ok to be here tonight and tried to pet her , she crawled up on her belly . It makes me so sad . I wish we could adopt her . This weekend Phil was honking at me to hurry up and all the cattle came running . They honk the tractor horn when they are coming to feed them hay , so I think they thought it was lunchtime in a different location ! Here is a picture showing the progress Phil is making painting the top board under the eaves . It 's been primed . It will be white in the end also . Here is a picture of the back where Jeff and Phil scraped and primed . It looks alot better uh ? I can 't wait to be free of that pea green . This is a close up of the dormer in back . I thought that the roof was done , but the flashing hadn 't been done yet . James took alot of time cutting it to go around all the cool shaker shingles . I 'm so impressed with how it looks . It really sets off the shaker shingles . It 's is a picture from the corner . This is a close up of the underneath of the eaves . We are painting them the same color blue as the dormers . We 'll paint all the eaves blue and the porch 's ceiling blue as well . It looks really good . Matthew had a great afternoon . One of the daycare workers took the day off and no one thought to let me know that only Bailey would be working . She already had 10 to watch so Matthew couldn 't go . I asked my mom if she could watch him and she went one better and helped at the daycare ! Matthew I think really enjoyed it . He showed off by riding on the tiny tots merry go round . A friend of mine took pictures on her camera for me . When I get them I 'll post some . I figured that I better get off my lazy duff and publish something ! Well , although I haven 't done much packing or cleaning , like I feel I should , I have done alot of internet research for jobs and haven 't come up with much . I feel so torn about what to do ! It will come , and I have time , so I 'll wait and see . Meanwhile , although I haven 't told many people Phil is moving , it has moved like wildfire that we are leaving and people are now asking my boss when I 'm moving . Her boss found out and was starting to look for someone to replace me ! Hello . . . I haven 't quit yet ! So in light of the fact the whole area knows , I 'm very glad that we have someone to stay here over the summer . I don 't want people to mess with the house and they would . Finally today Phil got to talk to someone who is actually competent and was approved for his apartment . Thank goodness . Who knows how long it would have took otherwise . He takes it May 1st and we 'll probably start moving him up either then or that weekend . While he was finding that out Matthew and I were off getting Foxy situated at the groomers and getting groceries . Phil has since picked Foxy up and says she looks good , just borderline too skinny . Poor girl . She was diagnosed with cancer of the lymphnoid 's last summer and was given 6 months to a year to live . So far she is doing awesome ! She has lost weight , breathes heavier , but otherwise in good spirits . Her joints hurt her in the cold , but we got some good arthritis pills to off - set that . With any luck , she 'll fly by that year mark and live happily for longer . She 's been an awesome dog . I was very lucky when I was able to adopt her in San Diego . I have my cousin Christina to thank for that . Well , that 's all I know for the moment . As the day progresses maybe I 'll have more to post . Well , if you use a little imagination , realize the dark brown stripes are on faces , the light colored ovals are ears , you 'll realize that you are looking at about probably 6 or 7 baby rabbits . Since I wrote about them they have grown alot ! They are so cute ! They were hopping all over when Phil carefully pealed the protective layer back . We decided to make sure they were still alive . I realize that they will become the animals that eat up my garden and potentially my flowers , but I just can 't kill them . It just doesn 't seem right . Still I 'll be very glad to get them out of my flower garden ! Yesterday Matthew seemed extra tired and he still seems not up to speed , but better . He ate a little better today . Last night he kept waking up to cry , which made for very , very tired parents today . In the morning we took a " family nap . " Yesterday the weather did not permit more to get done on the house . Today was a nice day till closer to 5 when it started to sprinkle again . Our neighbor came over and had Phil go with him to repair the fence that Phil 's car munched when he crashed due to the bad road conditions in January . The neighbor happens to be the same one who 's Great Grandma built our house . Phil got to meet his father who actually lived here for awhile . Our neighbor is cousins with the man who sold the house to us . He also walked around the house and told us that he really liked what we are doing with the house and said that the peak should have been put on the house a long time ago . We aren 't fixing up the house to please the relatives , but it 's nice to know that they like what we 're doing with the place . All the family members I 've met seem to be rather sentimental about the place . It 's a very tight knit neighborhood up here , outsiders have to earn respect and we have done so I think . Roof progress . . . More detail on north side . The east and north sides now have glass windows again in the attic . Matthew chewing on his infant toothbrush in such a way it looks like he has a big blue tongue ! He 'd have it really sucked in so it was flat until I took the picture and then he 'd let in out some . We have had several busy days . Yesterday I planted most of the irises that I received last year as well as the tiger lilies I bought . I can 't wait to see all the flowers bloom this year . I just hope I come home at the right times so that I can see them . Meanwhile , while I planted flowers , Phil helped the roofers . Around noon they had to knock off because of sheet lightning . Today Phil and I took Matthew to his last eye appointment . The doctor was satisfied that his incision was well on it 's way to healing and said he doesn 't need to come back till next year for an annual exam . When we got home Matthew crashed and took a long nap . Phil continued helping with the roof . Even though it misted / sprinkled , the roofers persisted and got the north side done . Only 1 / 2 a roof to go . The main roofer is pretty discouraged with how long it is taking to put it on and all the special cuts it takes to make the pieces fit . We have a tough roof . Well , I got home from work tonight and started feeding Matthew . Halfway through his usual meal he kept shaking his head no , and didn 't want to eat more . Then he made the unmistakable movement in his neck that you know is going to end in you being covered in puke . Yep , he puked all over himself and the floor . So we stripped him and gave him his bath . Within an hour he was getting really tired , so I tried to feed him some milk before bed and you bet , he puked all over me , himself , and the couch . So we stripped him , and stripped me , changed him , and put him in bed . He has no other symptoms of being sick other then a runny nose , so . . . Poor guy . Hopefully he is done throwing up now . I now have a large load of dirty clothes washing since I don 't want his vomit to stain . I hope all of you are having aPosted by I forgot to tell about another spring surprise . While weeding my flower bed I discovered that a mama rabbit thought it was the perfect spot to dig a hole ( right in the middle of the bed ) and " plant " her newborn babies . They gave me a heck of a shock as I didn 't realize there was a hole with babies in it . Clever mama rabbits cover them well . They are very tiny , about the size of a tiny mouse I guess . They are so tiny they are still hairless with eyes shut . Hopefully the mama won 't be to put off by the human smell and feed them . Well , that 's all my fun facts for the day ! I love spring for all the surprises it gives . Today I decided that I had to get out and weed my flower bed so Phil didn 't try and mow off any more of my sprouts . And low and behold I had lots of grape hyacinths that I didn 't even know I had planted ! I worked with a therapist at the hospital that had me come over last year and she weeded stuff out of her amazing flower beds for me to plant at my new house . Hyacinths must have been one of the things I got . All the daylilies and irises that I planted last year are springing forth . I planted 3 siberian irises today I ordered called Roaring Jelly . I thought the name was awesome , the price good , and the color beautiful . I can hardly wait to see it grow . Meanwhile one of my new geranium plants bloomed and it is a very pretty half rosy red half cream colored flower . I just love gardening in spring . During the heat of August not as much . Hopefully , either tonight or tomorrow , I 'll get to plant all the irises that Phil 's old captain 's wife , Cindy gave me from when she thinned the irises in her yard . I believe alot of them are still in good shape . I 'll find out . Matthew has had a good time so far getting to bear crawl around the yard . He doesn 't bear crawl much in the house , so I guess he didn 't want to feel the grass on his knees or maybe he thinks that 's the all - terain way to get around . Poor guy is fairly tired out , but he doesn 't want to give in to sleep . He is in his swing , shaking his head , mumbling to himself , with his eyes half shut ! His dad hasn 't decided if he 's keeping him while I go to work or if he 's going to daycare . Currently I hear Phil beebopping around the yard on the mower . He didn 't get it all mowed yesterday . I also hear the sound of the saw cutting more of our roof . They were able to work yesterday . Phil helped them paint the rest of the dormers and trim around the roof so that they could continue with the roofing . We weren 't sure how the weather would be today , but it 's perfect . It started cloudy , but now it 's warm , still , and sunny . Just gorgeous weathPosted by 3 days . 3 days of driving to the greater Kansas City area . We are so sick of driving up there . In a normal year I maybe get up there once or twice a year . Yesterday we went back and tried to look at a bigger apartment in the 1st apartment complex we looked at . They refused to show us anything saying the carpet hadn 't been cleaned . We were a little steamed considering they promised if we drove back up they 'd have the apartment ready to show . It made it very easy for us to scratch them off the short list we had ! Then we went back to the third complex and actually got to see their apartments . We liked a basement one , but I was reluctant to sign a lease without seeing the houses . So we left and said we would be back today if the houses didn 't looking promising . Well , I really screwed that up because the houses were worse then the previous houses . Well , considering we only went in 1 of the 6 houses , I should say that the neighborhoods were worse . The one we did go into was the very big Victorian we thought looked beautiful on the internet . And we were right , it was beautiful . But in need of some serious work that we wouldn 't be able to afford to do , but wow . What a house . It actually had a butler 's stairs that led to the third floor . Both the first and second floors had 14 foot ceilings . It was obvious that the people who built the house were very rich . It sits on a huge lot . The house surprisingly hadn 't been stripped of the beautiful woodwork and fancy carved wood fireplaces . I really wish we had the time to fix it . I 've never seen anything as cool as that house . In fact , now I 'm kicking myself for not bringing my camera . I don 't know if the agent would have let me take pictures , but I sure would have tried . So today we drove all the way back up to sign a lease on the basement apartment so Phil would have a place to stay . Now we just have to hope that the rental clearance goes through before he starts work at the end of the week . I have to say the agent that helped us was very good . It was in no way shape or form hiPosted by Yesterday we pounded the pavement all day looking at apartments with short term leases and houses for sale . Wow , the houses in our price range are horrific ! HORRIFIC . Talking most are deep deep in the getto . Example , one looked wonderful on the outside and on the inside it was extremely dark , extremely dirty , the railing for the stairs was hanging off the wall , the carpet . . . don 't make me describe the carpet , and there was bags of garbage by the front door . That was all it took for me to decide no way in hell . And by the way , that was all in just the foyer . We never even saw the upstairs , bedrooms , or bathroom . I think that the fact I 'm so still scarred this morning , I 'm going to be scarred for quite awhile . We found one in a better neighborhood that was really really cute until you got to the basement and second floor and then it just got weird and we aren 't prepared for weird . We found another that might have been perfect , but unluckily it went under contract right before we saw it . We are going back up today to look but I am not holding my breathe that the $ 10 , 000 increase in price will make much difference . I 'm starting to think I 'll stay here and stick Phil in a 1 bedroom apartment . The 2 apartments we liked yesterday have ponds they stock every spring with bass and the like , so yeah ! Got my vote . Fishing with the bug on weekends without a need for a license . Speaking of Matthew , he was so good yesterday . He mostly rode in his carseat all day and if he wasn 't in it he was in places I refused to let him touch the floor so the poor guy couldn 't do much playing and crawling around . Lucky for him , he gets to stay home with his grandparents . If only I was so lucky . I guess I should get used to it . This is what my weekends are to become . Packing up and driving 2 hours to the city to be with my husband . It could be worse , I know . At least there is shopping . We get to do a little of that today . Yesterday we ate lunch with Auntie . We had a good time . We got to eat on the plaza . I love the plaza even though I feel out Posted by It was and is extremely windy today . I hear the wind was gusting along at 40 mph . All I know is every time I tried to go through the front door the wind shoved me away from the door . Due to the wind , roofing was impossible . They finished trimming out our new stairway door and put in our new kitchen window . Yea ! One window with a screen that actually works ! Cool . Yesterday I woke up with back troubles that ended up with me in lots of pain last night so I was forced by my husband to go to the chiropractor today . It helped some . Dr . " Doolittle " said that I have to bring Matthew with me when ever I come now so he can see him , so he was glad I didn 't leave him at home . He also was sure to tell Matthew how sorry he was that he had a crazy grandpa . ( Family - doctor joke , not meant literally . ) I forgot to mention that yesterday when Matthew was outside he demonstrated how he could crawl up the front steps , which means I 'm really glad we have a door we can close going to the stairs . Friday we are going apartment hunting and perhaps house hunting . It should be interesting ! This will happen of course if we aren 't blown away before then . It shouldn 't have taken all my higher education to come up with the answer , but apparently this morning I should have stayed in school longer . This is the problem . 1 10 month old + 1 half drank cold cup of coffee = fingerpaint Yes , I made the mistake of leaving him alone in the living room half of the front rooms while I printed off something on the dining room side . I had forgotten I left my mug on the table . . . and when I hopped back over our lovely fence this awaited me . Happy child splashing in the coffee that was pooled all over our coffee table . He was even more delighted he could lick the coffee from his sticky fingers . Yum , baby 's first ingested caffeine rush . And don 't even ask about his outfit . Let 's just say it did it 's part to stop the flow of coffee to the floor and I immediately started a load of laundry . Lesson learned . Coffee + baby = Disaster ! I finally can set my feet on the floor and wheel this baby around . Oh yeah ! Retro Rocket ready for take off 1 , 2 , 3 , BLAST OFF ! Yesterday we went to see the Grandparents . Matthew had a really good time showing off for them and of course taking the required nap with Grandma . It was the best way to spend ones 10 month birthday . Or at least I think that is what he 'd say if he could say more then Mama , Mommy , Dada , Daddy , and hi . Other then that mess and finding the car was busily running the air conditioner all morning , for no one , running down the battery ( thanks husband - if you want to get the Harry Potter cd that 's fine , but taking out the keys once the cd is out is an even better idea . . . ) the day went pretty well . Matthew and I went outside for half an hour so he could play on the grass with his new toy . We 've decided to call the new toy " the walker " . He was so excited to be outside . This is really the first time in his whole life it 's been nice enough for him to go outside . And for him to be big enough to really enjoy it . Later he went to daycare and entertained the staff by pushing a toy around and carrying his blanket in his mouth at the same time . After he Posted by I love my parent 's cell phones ! I have two of my own , but Mom and Dad 's still are the best . I also now look at the camera and smile . : ) Here 's my new toy . . . Maybe it already needs a tune - up ! Matthew loves his new toy . The video is pretty dark , but you get the idea . He loves it . His dad got it for him today at Walmart and he loves it . At first when he 'd take off he 'd be running after it because it would roll so fast . He 's getting the idea better today . He 's had a busy day running after it . We went and picked up Phil 's car today . It finally was finished 3 weeks after it went to the shop to get fixed after the little fence wreck he had in Jan . Then we went and ate dinner with Matthew 's " Aunt " Angela . He was very happy to see her again . We then went shopping at the Dusty Bookshelf and bought a couple new used books for Matthew . Phil was so thrilled . Hehe . So all in all it 's been a good day . Now our friend Christy is here eating after her hard day of dog wrangling so I 'm going to go so we can start the movie . Last night Matthew decided that he was going to cry from 1 : 30 till 4ish this morning . Then he got back up around 7 : 30ish . It was super fun for the parents that didn 't get to bed till midnight - ish . That made today feel like an pretty unproductive day . Day 2 the roofer couldn 't work on the house due to the weather . Sigh . And it was cold ! It 's spring , it 's supposed to be sunny and warm ! The exciting thing that did happen today was Matthew held my hands and walked all over the kitchen and then walked into the dining room so that I could put him in his highchair for supper . It was super cute . I think he 's not far from walking now . Of course I thought he 'd start crawling any day for 2 months so what do I know ? Today he stood on his own , although he didn 't realize it at the time . Phil and I spent the evening looking at houses to buy . We found a couple that we like . They might be hideous in person . One is another Victorian . What is it with us and huge Victorian 's ? Only this one is on a big corner lot and about 1 , ooo sq feet bigger than this house . It looks really cool . Now if we can just connect with the guy we have to talk to in order to see if we can get pre - approved for another loan . I keep telling Phil we need to get a house that we don 't really like so that we can sell it ! At the moment it seems like we are collecting houses in random places . House # 3 here we come ! Matthew had his followup today . The doctor and his nurse were pleased with the progress his eye has made healing . He gets to stop taking his antibiotic , which is a good thing since it is making his little rump sore . Diaper cream is his friend at the moment . In 2 weeks we 'll see the doctor one more time to make sure that everything has healed well . They think it won 't leave much of a scar . The lab results were back and confirmed it was a dermal cyst . They list it as dermoid cyst . I know some found only stuff saying dermoid cysts were ovarian related , but this one wasn 't ! They do not think it is likely to come back since they got 99 % of all that tissue , if not 100 % . If they had left a significant amount it could grow back . Matthew is also getting quite good at cuddling . Yesterday at lunch he cuddled with his grandpa , which melted his grandpa 's heart . It also almost distracted him so much that Matthew almost got his tapioca pudding ! Matthew had to make due with the tiny bits of pizza crust that I shared with him . He really believes if you are eating something he should be sharing it with you . I think he 'll be really glad when he can chew table foods . We tried # 3 foods the other day and he was choking on the lumpier foods . We are going to try again because it might have just been his throat still hurt from the tube they put down it during the surgery . I just can 't believe how big he has gotten . He 's at least 30 " and 20lbs if I didn 't say so earlier . Yesterday was a nice enough day that some more got done on the roof . Not as much as I hoped for , but the steepness of the the roof , constant wind , and rain have all made it challenging . Today it has been pretty windy and very rainy . Somehow an edge of one of the pieces of roof pulled up and has been banging in the wind . Thank goodness it 's just a tiny chunk on the edge . It can be easily fixed I believe . We shouldn 't have problems like that when it 's all on and done . I do not think anymore work can get done on our house today . It rained and thundered all night long and I can tell by the noise on the roof that it 's still drizzling . The roofers got some more done on the roof , but it 's nowhere near to being done . Matthew decided Sunday night to not go to sleep till after 1am and get back up around 6 : 45am , so Phil and I did not get much sleep . We took shifts napping yesterday . Then I went to work and when I came home Matthew was in such a good mood . He loves staying home with the daddy much more then going to daycare . Anyway , Matthew was chilling on the couch , eating a big wagon wheel puff . He had gotten one because he didn 't fight us about taking his medicine . He looked so cute I decided to take a picture . At the sight of the camera , he got really excited and started smiling . I barely snapped it before he lurched off the couch in his excitement . I had lunge quickly and help him fall gracefully . I guess I barely made it because he didn 't hurt himself . After supper last night , the whole family was invited to visit a family that lives a few roads over . We had a nice time . We were surprised at how quickly we got there ! We aren 't used to being able to drive 5 minutes to a friends house . Mom , it 's ok , you should have seen the other baby . Above his eye you can see the purple x where the doctor " signed " his eye . My baby is a Picasso . Poor guy his eyelid swelled up so big . It 's much better now . Pan has become a little obsessed with Matthew 's shoes . She wrestles with them frequently now . I love it when Daddy gives me baths ! Look at my cool mohawk ! This is the newest progress on our house . . . A finished dormer . . . And one more angle . Matthew showing off how well his mouth works as a place to transport objects of interest . Phil had his last day of work on post Friday . He 's taking this whole next week off and then will be signing in with his new battalion . And then we will be frantically moving him . I guess that they can still change where he is going until the time he signs in so we may go look at some apartments this week , but won 't be signing with them until after he signs in . What a process . We 've been having a lazy weekend , mostly because Matthew is making us sleep deprived . Yesterday and today are gorgeous warm spring days . Tomorrow thru Wed . are supposed to be rainy days , which means we may not get much more done on the house for awhile . We are so anxious to have it finished . It seems like it is going so slow . We are supposed to be getting our witch weathervane / lightning rod is this week so that will be exciting . I can 't wait to see it in person . I am dying to be tilling my garden , planting stuff , and ordering more bulbs , seeds and plants . But since it seems I 'm not going to be here this summer , I am putting all my outside goals on the back burner . But I did get three geranium plants in the mail Thurs . It was exciting to me . My husband wasn 't as excited . They should be beautiful plants , unusual plants . Not your average run of the mill geraniums that you can get in the store . I also bought a beautiful tulip plant and hydrangea plant at the store . I plan to plant the tulip bulbs outside later on and the hydrangea when we are living here full - time again . Until then it will stay in a big pot . I just wanted to get on and let you all know that Matthew 's surgery went well and he is now home resting . In fact this is the longest he has slept at one time since we brought him home from the hospital ! Phil just looked at him and said , " I hope he sleeps tonight ! " Me too . This is exactly the sort of thing that would make him go back to not sleeping at night . I have to say I wish I 'd taken our camera to the hospital because he totally rocked his little infant sized hospital gown . He didn 't care one bit that his little butt totally stuck out . Phil just reminded me he took a picture on his phone . He is attempting to email to me now . I can 't get my dumb phone to send them out properly . It worked . Here it is . Matthew 's last pre - surgical pic . When the doctor came out he brought with him the source of the problem , rattling around in a specimen cup . It was the size of a kidney bean . Much bigger then I thought it would be . Luckily he did not ask if we wanted to keep it . Instead a lab somewhere is receiving it to study it and decide exactly what it is . Anyway , he had to go deep for it and it was wrapped around tissue and a gland so he had to take some time and care , but he got it out . Matthew has some small stitches I haven 't seen yet since it 's covered by a bigger bandage . We put ointment on it 2 times a day and he will take antibiotics 2 times a day for the next 10 days to make sure he doesn 't develop post - op infections . He won 't go back to daycare till Monday , if that , so he can heal . So now here we are all exhausted , we got up at 4 : 30 to be at the hospital by 6am . Thank goodness for our swing ! Thank you Uncle Mickey and Aunt Shelly ! He has been rocking in it since we got home . Swings are quite possibly the best baby invention ever . Of course our friend Audrey 's boy ( 2 weeks older ) never did like his swing so . . . I guess it depends on the baby . Tomorrow is the day . Everyone 's prayers and well wishes have been very welcome . I 'm sure it will go well . Keep Matthew in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow morning . He should be able to come home by noon or 1 . Matthew spent a pleasant day visiting his grandparents and great - grandmom . He 's been scrubbed and is now sleeping . As for the house progress , they brought the pieces that we needed last week for the roof and wouldn 't you know , it was bone white , not white pieces . So when put next to the white trim it looked tannish . We have to wait another day to get the right stuff and it 's supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow . Sigh , maybe one day it will get done . We ordered our weathervane / lightning rod and should be here by next week . I 'm so excited to see it ! Hopefully we love it enough so that it 's completely worth the money ! My day started at 7 : 30 in my nice warm bed . While dreaming about an ex - roommate from college , I heard a familiar truck rumble down at the stop sign . It broke into my dream enough that I thought oh no , please don 't let that be the roofers truck . I got the boy to sleep in and he 's still asleep . I heard the truck take off from the stop sign , speed up , and slow down . . . to turn in . . . and rumble down the driveway . That 's when I knew I 'd better get up quick and let them in the garage and in the house so they could knock down the wall into the stairs from the back porch . From there my day did not stop . I then realized in order to knock said hole in they would need to be able to access the wall , which was fully lined with heavy shelving and lots of stuff . Oh joy . I spent the next 1 / 2 hour moving stuff . Then Matthew woke up and it was time to feed him and dress him . Then I showered and dressed , forgetting I needed to eat . Then off the the store for groceries , get home to a big hole in the wall and plaster dust everywhere in a thick layer . Matthew and Phil beat on the footstool and a huge cloud of dust came out of it . Ewww . Phil got home soon after Matthew and I got back from the store so we ate quickly and went to sign our taxes . That was a interesting trip since I forgot to get gas and we ran into town on fumes . But we made it . And while we were getting gas , my dad got to see Matthew in his new car seat because he was getting coffee . We came back home and then soon it was time for me to go to work . And by time I get home from work the day is basically done . Phil spoke to the captain today and it 's been decided . Olathe . One and / or both of us is moving . I don 't know what is going to happen other then we need to find an apartment and pack enough stuff for Phil to furnish it with . He isn 't sure what he wants yet so I don 't know what to pack . It should prove to be the most interesting month . Meanwhile the little man has learned that he can transport what he wants to play with to another area by putting it in his mouth and crawlingPosted by Ever wonder why this site is called About a Bug ? Well , that would be my fault . Hours after I had Matthew , I started calling him my bug - a - boo . He was just so cute and precious . Slowly over time he became my bug and more family members adopted that as a nickname . When we decided to start the blog , it seemed only appropriate to call it " about a bug , " because isn 't everything about the baby ? Matthew thinks so .

When I went down to breakfast that Thursday morning the house was deserted . Of course I knew my parents were at work , but John usually stayed home in the mornings because his soccer games were mostly arranged for the afternoons . Still , I thought to myself , it was another lovely day so maybe he was out with Alex . I was eager to speak with John because I wanted to find out how his phone call to Marie had gone . However , I supposed it must have gone reasonably well because he was still talking with her when I went to bed . By the time I 'd drunk a couple of mugs of tea , it was approaching noon and I was almost fully awake . At least I was awake enough to be brooding about Sue and wondering if John would be home to have lunch with Mike and me . While I was sitting at the kitchen table debating with myself what to have for lunch , John and Mike breezed into the house together . Wherever John had been , he looked extremely cheerful and excited . " Yeah , so are ya going to drive me into town ? If not , I 'm gonna have to set off to catch the bus soon . " John said as he looked at his watch . " Yes , please . It 'd be great to see him at the party . He was one of our best mates once and it 's a pity that he just seemed to drift away , " Mike said sadly . While John was upstairs , Mike and I chatted , mostly about John and Marie . I think I heard somewhere that gay guys like to gossip , and if that 's true then Mike should have been an honorary gay guy , despite his undoubted sexual attraction to girls . Neither of us mentioned Sue or her possible suspicions , but there wasn 't much that either of us could add to what we 'd said on the phone . We dropped John off at the bus station then parked the car and had lunch in Burger King . While we were eating , Mike tried a couple of times to get me to tell him about his birthday presents but I wouldn 't even give him any hints . Then we went home so that I could get ready to go round and see Rob . Since our first study meeting he 'd obviously being doing some revision because he had several specific questions to ask and he 'd collected a few example questions that he wanted me to work through with him . In fact , I was surprised at how quickly he was learning and how rapidly he was progressing . My surprise was not because I doubted his intelligence , but because I 'd presumed he had some particular problem with maths . His aptitude at the subject seemed to be as good as mine , and I knew that his maths teacher was good because I 'd had the same teacher the previous year , so I wondered why he 'd been having problems . " You seem to be picking this up pretty quickly , Robbie . How come you didn 't understand it in maths class ? Too busy ogling the cute guys ? " I teased . Marie arrived home at about five o ' clock and went straight up to her room , and Rob would have gone up immediately to question her about her date . However , I dissuaded him by telling him we still had a lot to do and that I didn 't want him teasing her while I was there . After the events of my last visit , I didn 't want his mum thinking I was conspiring to tease her daughter . Rob and I continued working through example questions , and shortly after five thirty his mum came home and we heard Marie talking to her in the kitchen . I would have bet my last penny that their conversation involved John , but unfortunately they were deliberately speaking quietly , so we didn 't hear what they were actually saying . Later , during dinner , Rob also tried to talk to Marie about John but she wouldn 't say a word and her mum prevented Rob from pushing the matter . I intended to question John in a similar manner as soon as I got home , but I 'd make sure my parents weren 't around to interrupt my inquisition . After dinner , Marie went straight to her room to make a phone call , and as Rob and I left the dining room we smirked at one another , knowing very well whom she would be calling . When we entered our study room Rob closed the door behind us , so it was no surprise to me when he started stroking my thigh a half an hour later . Yet again , I allowed my physical desires to overcome my nagging doubts , and it wasn 't long before we ended up naked on the bed . We kissed and ground our crotches together for a few minutes , rolling around on the bed so that neither of us stayed on top for very long . He slowly licked and kissed his way down to my penis , teasing me by licking all around his target . I yelped when he sucked hard on my left testicle , so he stopped his ministrations just long enough to giggle and say ' shhh ' . Wishing to pleasure him as well , I moved round into a sixty - nine position . I felt his slippery finger running round my anus , so I put some saliva on my middle finger and did the same to him . I was in heaven and just about to reach orgasm when Rob stopped and left me almost screaming with frustration . He pulled away from me slightly and turned round so that he could place little butterfly kisses on the side of my face . I didn 't exactly freeze , but I went very still . The memory of my last encounter with Ben flickered through my mind and I wasn 't sure how to respond . My body told me to ' go for it ' but my mind told me I wasn 't ready for what , to me , would imply an additional level of emotional involvement . " Well if it does , it won 't hurt you ! " Rob giggled . " Anyway , I 've put things up there before . Carrots at first , but recently I tried my favourite screwdriver handle . " He moved back to lie on his side next to me and gazed into my face . He was clearly disappointed and appeared also to be a little hurt . That wouldn 't be surprising , though , bearing in mind that he 'd just offered me his virginity and I 'd rejected him . I felt awful and had completely lost my erection . " Well , " I said after a few moments thought , " friends having fun is one thing , but I don 't think my feelings are just those of a friend . I don 't know what it 'll mean for me if we do that . Ya know , go all the way . " " Yeah . Well , I think I must be . I never felt this way before . I mean , I love you and I love other people , like John and Mike . But I 've never had sex with them , and it would feel weird if I did . I 've enjoyed the stuff we 've done so far , but going all the way with you . . . I think that 'd feel weird as well . " We looked at one another in silence , and I realised that for the last few moments he 'd been gently stroking my chest and nipples . This wasn 't really a sexual stroking , but from the look on his face it was more like the way one might stroke a cat while lost in thought . I don 't know how long we lay in silence like that , but to me it certainly felt like a long time . He smiled at me , and I returned his smile as I began gently stroking his side . Gradually we began to build up our sexual excitement until we were again in a sixty - nine position , but this time the build up was less passionate and frenzied . Our motions seemed much more gentle and caring , so that it was not so much the expression of our physical needs but more the expression of a loving and caring friendship . The rise towards orgasm was slower this time , but there was a rapid completion , and I shot my load just a few seconds before Rob . Afterwards , we cuddled in silence for several minutes , gently caressing one another with fingers and lips . Then he sighed and moved back a little so that he could look into my eyes , though our bodies maintained considerable contact . Yet again I was amazed by the shifting green - blue / blue - green colour of his eyes . His parents looked at him , then at one another with expressions that might have been surprise or even astonishment . I didn 't have much time to observe or analyse their expressions any further because Rob grabbed my arm and rapidly pulled me up the stairs . He led me to the door with the ' Keep Out ' sign and hesitated for a moment before opening the door and leading me inside . At first glance it seemed to be a typical teenage boy 's room , though it was rather tidier than others I 'd seen , including my own . There was a bunk bed along the right side of the room , and there were Manchester United posters the walls , but only on one half of the room . On a dressing table at the far end of the room were framed photographs and a Manchester United supporter 's scarf draped over a soccer ball . Then I remembered that Rob had never once mentioned an interest in soccer , not even when I told him that John was a soccer fanatic , and on the occasions when he 'd met John , Rob had hadn 't discussed the sport at all . The longer I stood there , the more it seemed to me that this just didn 't feel Rob 's room . All the time I 'd been looking around the room Rob was standing by my side in silence . When I cast a questioning frown at him , he took me by the hand and led me to the dressing table . He picked up one of the larger framed photographs and placed it carefully in my hand . The photograph showed a slim boy with very short dark hair , standing on grass and wearing a soccer kit . He appeared to be about fifteen or sixteen and was looking very happy , flashing a cheeky grin directly at the camera . From his build , his hair colour , and the dark tan of his skin , it didn 't seem to me that this boy could be related to Rob , Marie , or their parents . Without a word , Rob reverently took that photograph from my hands and replaced it with another , which showed Chris with Rob 's family . Here , Chris again looked about sixteen but Rob looked younger , probably about twelve or thirteen . Although they showed all the ' togetherness ' of a family in this photograph , Chris ' physical appearance marked him out as different . Rob took the photograph off me and gently placed it back on the dressing table . Rob said the single word very quietly , in a voice that itself seemed dead . Then , while I searched for something to say , he began to cry silently , so I put my arms around his shaking shoulders and led him to the lower bunk , where we sat down , careful to avoid banging our heads . At first I was afraid to talk about Chris , but then I thought to myself that Rob wouldn 't have brought me to this room if he didn 't want to talk about his brother . " He was killed by a drunk driver , " he said , his voice dripping with bitterness . " He was riding his bike , coming home from a friend 's house , and the bastard just swerved into him . He died before they got him to the hospital . " " He was adopted . Mum and Dad had been trying to have kids for ages after they first got married , but it never happened , and they thought they couldn 't , so they adopted Chris . Then almost three years later I came along and took them by surprise . " He 'd stopped crying and was silent for a few moments . Maybe it was because of our physical contact or maybe I was just hypersensitive to his emotional state , but I had the feeling that a tension was building inside him . He seemed to be gathering his thoughts to say something else . " Chris was the best brother anyone could have , " he said eventually . " He was kind , funny , clever , strong , and he was always there for me . I still miss him . This is our place , and after he died I wouldn 't let anyone else come in here . Mum and Dad wanted me to go for counselling , but I persuaded them I didn 't need it . Apart from me , you 're the first person to come in here in three years . " His words produced a strange mixture of emotions in me . Of course I was honoured and pleased that he could confide in me , but it also felt as if I 'd been given a burden of responsibility . Besides that , I was wondering why he 'd chosen to share this with me now , immediately after our discussion about love and sex . Then , as if he could read my mind , he began to speak again . He stared deep in my eyes , as if trying to read my emotions before I actually reacted to his words . There was anxiety in his eyes , and I thought I could detect fear as well . I knew he was sharing something with me that he 'd never shared with anyone before . and I felt my next words and reactions would be terribly important . I reached out and put my arms around him , hugging him to my chest . Rob had just exposed his innermost self to me , and apart from holding him in my arms I didn 't know what else to do or say . To me , this sharing was much more of an honour and responsibility than the earlier offer of his physical virginity . " So now you see , " he said , " why I can 't fall in love with you . I 'm still in love with someone else . Someday maybe I 'll get over it , but I don 't know when or even if I will . But not now . " " Yeah . We used to have bikes , but we sold them . After what happened to Chris , Mum and Dad were scared for us , " he said . He paused a moment before continuing , " They didn 't actually tell us we couldn 't ride our bikes , but they made it clear they were very unhappy when we did , so we just stopped using them . Marie never rode hers much anyway , and after Chris was killed I was always nervous . " I was pleased that he seemed to be cheering up , so I didn 't want to spoil things by mentioning my worries about Sue . We disentangled ourselves , smoothed down our clothes and hair , and left the room . I noticed that Rob made sure that the door was securely closed before we went downstairs . When we looked into the living room to say goodbye to his parents , they glanced at us sharply . I wondered if they could tell that Rob had been crying and if they thought I was to blame for his tears . Perhaps Rob had the same thoughts because he took my hand in his and made sure that his parents noticed . Seeing this , the expression on his parents ' faces softened , though they still looked a little concerned . By the time I got home , my parents were in bed , but John was still awake in his room with the light on and the door wide open . When he heard me come upstairs he came out of his room , clearly eager to see me , and I wondered if he 'd been waiting up for me . We exchanged smiles and a quiet greeting then he followed me into my room and closed the door . He looked very excited , and I guessed that he wanted to be able to talk without disturbing our parents . There were hints of both happiness and worry mixed in with his obvious excitement , and for some reason I couldn 't suppress a fit of giggles as I fell back onto my bed . Of course there was nothing particularly funny about the situation , and my reaction was probably a result of all the tensions and emotions I 'd experienced that evening . John , however , was not amused , but the look of annoyance on his face just made me giggle even more . " Sorry , John , " I said as soon as I could control myself . " Nothing 's really funny . It 's just been a strange night . And I 've been there , done that . " " I 've been through the Streeter family inquisition . Remember that night I came home and snapped at you ? That was after my first dinner with Rob 's family . " We stayed talking like that until long after midnight , and I was pleased when it became clear that John and Marie got on very well together . From the way he spoke , as well as the words he used , I felt confident that even if a romance didn 't blossom , they would at least become good friends . Eventually , John wound down and went to his own room , and when I went to bed , I was so tired that I fell asleep immediately , with no time to worry or even think . When I went downstairs late the next morning , John and Mike were sitting and talking in the kitchen . As I made and drank tea , I joined the discussion at the point where John was wondering what he should wear to dinner that night . Mike and I made some facetious suggestions , and John got flustered , so I changed the subject . The rest of the day went quickly , with the three of us just messing around until late afternoon , when Mike went home and John went to shower and fuss over his clothes . As that was my first opportunity to be alone with my thoughts , I went to my room and lay down on my bed . Most of my best thinking has always been done when I was horizontal , and I often wondered if I 'd do even better in my exams if only I was allowed to take them lying down . The significance of the events of the previous night was uppermost in my mind , and as I mulled things over , I realised that my relationship with Rob had changed . In one way I loved him more than I had ever done before , but the type of love I felt was no longer a romantic love , and instead it was more like the love I had for Mike and John . I wondered if I 'd ever really been in love with Rob in a romantic way , or whether my friendship - love had just been confused by our sexual activities . I didn 't like the alternative thought , that I just might be fickle and unable to sustain my love . Although I knew that sex could be just recreational for some people , it seemed that for me it produced a special emotional bonding . So , while I wouldn 't criticise people like Rob , for whom sex could apparently be just fun , I realised that to avoid getting hurt in the future , I needed to be careful about the emotional effects of sex . In a way , I felt disadvantaged . I certainly had enjoyed sex , and it seemed a bit unfair that I couldn 't have the enjoyment without getting an emotional hangover . Bearing that in mind , I decided that it would probably be best to avoid having sex with Rob , at least for the time being , though I didn 't relish having to inform him of that decision . Soon after I 'd reached that conclusion , my parents arrived home , so I went downstairs to be sociable . Taking John to Rob 's house and then eating with my parents left me little time for further thought until I returned to my room after dinner . Then my thoughts turned to Sue , her possible suspicions , and Mike 's party . I realised that I 'd not yet had the chance to tell Dan about the latest developments in the ' Sue problem ' . I decided to call Dan immediately , and I was very pleased to find him home . We discussed the ' Sue problem ' for a while , and it turned out that he shared my concerns . However , we both agreed that there wasn 't much I could do apart from enjoy the party and be careful . As we talked , I realised how much I was enjoying my interactions with Dan and that I missed seeing him in person , even though it was only a couple of days since our last meeting . I knew that I couldn 't see him the following day , Saturday , as I 'd be helping with party preparations . I 'd have loved to invite him to the party , but of course Dan wouldn 't want to risk seeing Sue there . He was trying to sound as if he was teasing me , but I could tell he was pleased and maybe a little excited . At first I wasn 't sure how to respond , and indeed I knew that the question didn 't really demand any response at all . My answer , when it came , was not the result of any conscious thought . Again my response came without thinking , and I was surprised not only by the truth of my words but also by the fact that I 'd expressed myself so openly to him . Dan seemed to have been shocked into silence . Neither of us spoke for several seconds , and I began to feel more and more embarrassed . I was excited and a little nervous when I went downstairs to check that Mum wouldn 't be unhappy with me for inviting Dan to Sunday lunch without first consulting her . My parents were always pleased when my friends joined us for meals , and after my ' coming out ' conversation with them , I was sure that she wouldn 't be upset . As it turned out , she seemed to be as happy and as excited as I was . Marie 's dad brought John home a little after ten o ' clock , and he came inside for just a few minutes to say hello to my parents . They seemed to get on okay , and I blushed when I heard Mr Streeter tell my parents that they had two fine sons . After he left , John came up to my room and told me that his ' inquisition ' dinner had been much like the first dinner I 'd experienced at the Streeter house . However , John seemed much less stressed by it than I 'd been , and I wondered if it was just because of our different personalities or whether the fact that I was gay had made things more complicated for me . The next day I was up early , and everything from my morning tea onwards was just one big hectic rush as we all prepared for Mike 's party . In the morning Mum and Dad went shopping with Mike 's mum , while John and I went to Mike 's house to help him move furniture around . The afternoon was spent helping with food preparations , stocking the fridges with drinks , blowing up balloons , and suchlike pre - party activities . By eight o ' clock that evening we were all showered and dressed in our party clothes . My last task was to place Mike 's presents and cards in the centre of their dining table , and after that much of our time was spent preventing Mike from trying to find out the nature of the presents inside the wrappings . Mum and Dad were bringing some food over from our house , Mike 's mum was in her kitchen , and we three teenagers were sitting in Mike 's living room when the first guest arrived . This first guest turned out to be Sue . Mike greeted her at the door with a kiss then brought her through to the living room , where he offered her something to drink before putting her gift with the others on the dining table . Sue greeted John and me quite warmly , and maybe I was being paranoid , but I thought she gave me a penetrating and questioning look before she went into the kitchen to say hello to Mike 's mum . Soon after that , Marie and Rob arrived with their dad , who spoke with my parents and Mike 's mum for a couple of minutes before he left . As he was leaving he reminded Rob to keep an eye on his sister , at which point the Streeter children exchanged exasperated looks . After that , the house filled up quickly , and soon a large amount of nibble - foods and soft drinks were rapidly being consumed . As it was a pleasant spring evening , the party spilled out into the rear garden , and while I was mingling outdoors with the other guests , I noticed that John and Marie were sitting very close together on deck chairs in the far corner of the garden . Even at that distance and in the semi - darkness , I could see that they were holding hands and were deep in conversation , so I smiled to myself and left them alone . At nine thirty , Mike cut his cake while we sang ' Happy Birthday ' , and then he opened his presents . Mike got CDs from his mum and my parents , and was thrilled to find that his presents from them also included a course of driving lessons . He wasn 't quite so thrilled when he opened his dad 's present and found a tie and some socks . Sue seemed a little upset when he opened his presents from John and me before opening hers . When Mike saw what John and I had given him , he was so pleased and moved that he was almost in tears when came over and hugged us . Such emotional behaviour in such public surroundings was very unusual for Mike , and at first I thought that was what had caused Sue to look even more unhappy . However , when Mike opened Sue 's gift I realised why she was so upset . She 'd bought him a silver ring , which was not very different from the one I 'd given him . Maybe it was childish of me , but I felt rather smug when I found out that there was no inscription on her ring . Mike thanked her with hugs and profuse kisses , but it didn 't seem to make her any happier , and several times during the rest of the night I caught her glaring at me with intense hostility . Despite the bad vibrations from Sue , I enjoyed the rest of the party , and it didn 't seem long before parents were arriving to collect some of the younger guests . When the Streeters arrived at eleven to collect their children , there were only a few guests left . Rob 's parents agreed to let him and Marie stay another few minutes while they had some birthday cake with my parents and Mike 's mum . While Mr and Mrs Streeter ate some cake , Marie and John went back out into the garden . About a minute later , Rob took me by surprise by grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the back door . When we got outside , he silently pointed out a shadowy couple standing at the far end of the garden , and further inspection showed that it was John and Marie engaged in a deep kiss . Rob giggled and pulled me round to the side of the house , where there was a dark , narrow passageway between the wall of the garage and the wall of the house . Before I could say a word , he put his arms round me and kissed me deeply , his tongue exploring my mouth , and I quickly responded . I enjoyed kissing him , so although I 'd decided that in future having sex with him might be a bad idea , I couldn 't see anything wrong with a good snog . After a couple of minutes we came up for a breath and both burst into giggles . Then , regaining our composure , we decided to go back inside before someone came looking for us . We returned to the living room just before John and Marie , both of whom were smiling and a little flushed , and within a couple of minutes Rob 's parents emerged from the kitchen and took their children home . By midnight the party was completely over , and the only people left were Mike and his mum , my family , and Sue , who had arranged to stay overnight . We decided to clear up the leftover food , paper plates and plastic cups , but leave the furniture moving and the rest of the cleaning until morning . As we gathered the rubbish , I again caught Sue glaring at me , but this time I thought that with the hostility there was also a hint of some other emotion , possibly smugness , or even triumph . Before my family and I left for home , we all gathered in the kitchen while the adults drank tea . John and I were standing by the back door , and I was trying to tease him by using my lips to make smoochy - kissing noises on the back of my hand . My parents and Mike 's mum sat at the kitchen table , enjoying the peace and quiet , while Mike and Sue were sitting on the far side of the room and holding hands . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . Please take a few moments , if you liked the story , to say so . [ For those who use webmail , or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead : Please right click the author 's name . A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system ( Hotmail , Gmail , Yahoo etc ) . Each browser is subtly different , each Webmail system is different , or we 'd give fuller instructions here . We trust you to know how to use your own system . 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The building really was a prime piece of real estate . Tony didn 't need the babbling realtor to tell him that . He could see in the firm steel weight bearing beams , open floors and the tall ceilings that this building would be perfect for a factory . It wouldn 't take long to convert the space into one that manufactured his latest technology such as StarkPhones , StarkPads and the hand held game systems they were releasing in a couple months around Christmas time . The realtor was still talking , but he wasn 't listening , instead walking the floor and squinting at the tall windows that bathed the place in natural light . Those would have to go . There was nothing like sunlight to ruin sensitive pieces of hardware . He caught a movement in the corner of his eye and looked over at a doorway , one of his brows going up . He went over , wondering what it was , and he spotted a stray cat bounding up some stairs . It wasn 't surprising that the building had a furry occupant . It had been out of use for nearly a year . He followed the cat up the stairs with the now silent realtor on his heels . He saw another stray once he was at the top , running down a hall and into a room . He walked down the hall , which was dark except for the light shining in at one end . He pushed a door open and was greeted with the sight of a half circular room with walls made of windows . The brightness made him squint for a minute , before his eyes adjusted and he blinked at the sight of over a dozen stray cats of all different sizes and breeds . There was an especially fat , fluffy ginger cat curled up on some kind of cushion . " Oh my , " the realtor said . " I assure you , Mr Stark , that animal control will be notified . " " Right , " Tony said as he moved into the room . The cats weren 't running . In fact they were looking up at him expectantly . Apparently they weren 't completely feral . They were also well built for wild cats , which meant they were either all handling a rodent problem or they were being fed by someone . There was another thing that caught Tony 's eye in the Morning classes were the only thing that kept him in line . Without them , he probably would have slept all day . Steve got up , tucked the corners of his bed and took a seven minute shower . Any longer than that and someone would complain that he used all the hot water . Natasha was waiting for him like always , because she woke up at 5am on the dot when he dragged himself out of bed at 6am . She had a long , thick coat over her leotard and skirt and tall boots over her tights . Her ballet shoes were in her bag . She tried suggesting that he eat something before they left , but he wasn 't hungry and shook his head . She just gave him an even look but didn 't press it , and they left to catch the L train to their school . He felt like a zombie through his first class , seeing and taking in everything but unable to feel anything but numbness about it . He felt like a spectator , viewing things through glass but never part of them . But when he drew , he connected . It was his one thing that he always felt emotional about . Even after everything else had been taken from him , he always had his art . His instructors said his pieces had a kind of painful intensity that made them very appealing . But in turn he was incapable of drawing something light and airy . His illustration professor said it was because of his heavy heart . He just dropped his eyes and looked away . In his hour break before his noon class , he was sitting between the art and music building , sketching one of his assignments , when a paper bag dropped next to his elbow . He lifted his eyes and tried to smile . " Hey , Clint , " he said , sitting up straighter and pulling the top flap over his sketch pad . " Hey , man , " Clint said , leaning his cello case against the side of the metal picnic , before he sat down and reached for the bag . " Thought you might be hungry , so I bought you a really greasy burger and onion rings . Praise me . " Steve looked at the bag . It was true . There was grease seeping through the bottom . " What would I do without you ? " He accepted the burger and onions rin " Tony Stark ? The Tony Stark ? " Janet asked as they walked down the juice aisle at the Shop Right . She was pushing the cart , and Steve was manning the grocery list . He pulled a jug of white grape juice off the shelf and put it in the cart . It was Natasha 's favorite thing to drink . " Yeah , him . I know , I was surprised too . He bought my building . " He picked up a container of apple juice , adding it to their groceries as well . " That sucks , " Janet said as she leaned over the child seat in the basket , lifting onto her toes and edging the cart forward . " But still , you met the richest , most powerful man in the country face to face . That 's kind of awesome . " Steve just shrugged and she sighed . " But yeah , sucks about your space . " When Steve didn 't say anything she clicked her tongue . " So how are your projects going ? " " Fine , " Steve said , and they rounded the end cap and went down the next aisle . " What about yours ? " " They 're okay , " Janet said as she stepped away from the cart and picked up some broth to put in the cart . " Do you want to get some tomato soup ? " She picked up a large can . " Sure , " Steve said as he moved to pick up some angel hair pasta and sauce . After they paid and loaded the reusable bags into Janet 's car , Janet pulled out onto the main road back toward their apartment building . Steve was slouched down in the passenger seat , gazing silently out the window . She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel , and Steve could tell she was gearing up to say something . She always bubbled over with energy when she was thinking how best to breach a subject . " So . . . " she tried . " Hm ? " he answered , not looking at her . " I know you don 't want to hear this , " she said , and Steve decided he definitely didn 't want to hear it , especially because she started it out that way . " But I think you should come out with me and Nat tonight . You know , to meet people . " Steve sighed through his nose . Maybe he should let Clint and Janet plan outings together so they would leave him out of it . He kneTony was gazing silently out of his office window , lost in his thoughts . He wanted to go back to Malibu , but Pepper needed him in the New Year office a little while longer to settle the paperwork for the new manufacturing building . He wanted to look out over water , not buildings and cars and people . He wanted to feel like he was alone , not in the middle of a , well , a city . He looked back at the papers he signed , his thoughts going back to the construction site , back to Steve Rogers the ridiculously tall and blond . Every time he thought about his new building , he thought about Steve and his cats . Did anyone in the world deserve to be so handsome ? He was the perfect embodiment of the blond , blue eyed , boy next door type . His jaw was strong , and his body looked hard . An artist didn 't have the right to look like he could bench press a person or two . Tony sighed and spun his chair around in a few of slow circles . During his rotations , Pepper entered the office . Each time he came around to face her she was closer . And finally she was right in front of the desk , one hand on her hip . He came to a stop and looked up at her , and he knew his expression was pitiful because her eyes rolled skyward and she did that silent counting thing . He could see her lips moving . " What 's wrong ? " she asked as she leaned over the desk and gathered up the papers . She set about checking each line he had needed to sign like he wasn 't an adult and couldn 't find the Xs she had marked . " I don 't know , " he said vaguely , like he didn 't know exactly what was wrong . She ' hm ' ed , before she folded the papers and set one packet back on the desk , picking up a pen and offering it to him . His eyes dropped to the papers and apparently he did miss an X . Damn , he must really have been distracted . He took the pen and signed , and she took the packet back , putting it in a folder . " What 's her name ? " Pepper asked as she held the folder in front of her . Tony just stuck out his bottom lip , leaning his chin on his hand . She stared him down until he folded , and heMaximus wanted to be on the cushion . He was sitting next to Steve 's knee , staring up at him as he drew . Steve was trying to ignore him , but really it was difficult to draw with two huge eyes boring into him . He could hear his deep , rumbly purr too . Finally he set down his charcoal and turned his eyes to the huge cat . " You 're just going to have to wait , " he told him , and the cat let out a low , crackly meow . " I promise I 'm not going to take long . " To that , Maximus shuffled his huge feet and huffed . " Are you talking to that cat ? " To his credit , Steve didn 't jump out of his skin . Instead he turned and there Stark was with a big plastic bag in his hand . Maybe it was because his shoes were so expensive that he was so silent . " What 're are you doing here ? " " I thought we covered that last time , " Stark said , and Steve just pressed his lips together in a line . Wordlessly he lifted the bag , showing him the logo . It was a shrimp with chopsticks , and Steve recognized it . It was from a marginally expensive Chinese place on Main . Janet liked to go there when she got a good paycheck . " You brought me food , " Steve said slowly , trying to process that . Nope , he couldn 't make sense of it . " Why ? " He was automatically distrusting of this , because he didn 't understand it . " Why not ? " Stark countered . Steve ran his tongue over his lips , putting his hands on his hips . " Uh , because we don 't know each other . Because powerful billionaires don 't eat with poor art students . " " You 're an art student ? It 's not just a hobby then , that 's good . " He was looking at the pad on the ground , where the charcoal city scape was nearly complete . " From what I can see from over here , you 're pretty good . " Sighing , Steve looked at the ceiling . " Really , Mr Stark - " " Call me Tony . " Steve looked back at him , his eyes widening a little . First name basis meant familiarity . " But - " he tired . " Tony . Or else you don 't get any of this food . " Steve quietly prayed for serenity . " Fine . Tony , what do you want from me ? " " WhaOkay , so that didn 't work . Tony groaned to himself in the back of the car , slumping down . His ass was dirty and he was covered in cat hair somehow . And for what ? Nothing . He had gotten absolutely nowhere with Steve . In fact , he 'd taken a giant step backward . All because Steve had gotten offended , and Tony had taken offense to him being offended . He should have written it off . He should have made a joke . He shouldn 't have called Steve ' poor thing . ' He needed an ebook on how to talk to people that didn 't already love him . He was used to fawning and praise . He didn 't usually have to try so hard . He didn 't know how to talk to hot guys without coming on really strong and ending up in bed with them ten minutes later . He should ask Rhodey ! Rhodey was a hot guy . Wait , Rhodey was overseas and not at his beck and call . " Happy , how do you talk to people that are mad at you ? " he asked , and Happy 's eyes looked back at him in the rear view mirror . " I accidentally insulted someone . " " Well , sir , I know this may be a foreign concept to you , but apologies go a long way , " Happy said , his eyes crinkling a little with amusement . " Boo , " Tony said very maturely , before he looked out the window as he rode . He didn 't like things being his fault , because then he had to take responsibility for them , and ' responsibility ' was a dirty word in his book . And not the fun kind of dirty either . Guitars screamed in his pocket , and he pulled out his phone , checking the caller ID then putting it to his ear . " Hey , Pep , tell me you have good news , " he said , putting a little whine in his voice . Pepper actually laughed a little , and it made him smile just hearing it . " Actually I do . Approvals came back already . Construction starts in two weeks . " Tony 's brows went up . " Really ? I thought it would take months . " " So did I , " Pepper said , before she gave a little sigh . " I guess the name Stark carries some weight with the city council . But hey , that means that once the ball starts rolling and nothing disastrous happens , you can go bacSteve liked to sleep in on Saturdays . He usually woke up just sigh of noon or chased dreams until 2pm . It was 12 : 15pm when Steve woke up this day , and he could hear the high sound of Natasha and Janet laughing in the living room . Maybe they were watching cartoons , which was a rational , adult thing to do on Saturday mornings . He pushed his covers off and immediately shivered as cold air hit his skin , and he almost covered up again . The damn radiator must have been on the fritz again . He forced himself up and pulled on thick pajama pants and a sweatshirt . He forewent socks , because he didn 't feel like digging them out of his dirty clothes hamper . When he opened the door to his room , the laughter got louder , and he wandered into the living room to see what was so funny . Immediately , he stopped dead . There , sitting in an armchair like he owned the place was Tony Stark , smiling and gesturing with his story . He stopped when he saw Steve , and Natasha and Janet , curled up under a thick blanket on the couch , both looked at him . " What are you doing here ? " Steve asked on a shocked breath . " Hello to you too , sleepyhead , " Tony said with a smile . " Steve , " Janet said , giggling . " Tony was just telling us about his robots . " Tony stood up , putting his hands in his pockets and giving a small shrug . " Dummy , You and Butterfingers . I built them at M . I . T . They 're absolutely hopeless . I don 't know why I keep them around . Dummy likes to knock over my smoothie machine . And You tends to roll over feet . " Steve stared at him , before he slowly turned toward the kitchen and padded off . He had not been awake long enough to deal with Tony Stark . He needed orange juice . He heard the sounds of footsteps after him and knew the man was following him . He let him , numbly going to the fridge and opening it up to get the carton . " Your roommates are sweet girls . " Steve stared at him out of the corner of his eye as he drank right from the carton . He didn 't understand . Last he knew Tony was very nearly yelling at him , and now he was in his Tony was really and truly sulking now . He was in his office , slumped in his chair and slowly turning it back and forth with the force of his heel against the ground . He couldn 't believe it . No matter how good he was at equations , he hadn 't factored in the possibility that Steve just wouldn 't want to date him . But now that he had Steve 's answer , all the reasons why had presented themselves in his mind . Steve was too busy with school . Steve had someone else in mind . Steve didn 't date men . Steve just didn 't like him . He 'd thought he was better at reading people . He 'd thought that the hesitant smile that Steve had given him was more than just tolerance . He 'd thought he 'd felt something pass between them . He guessed he was the only one . He heard the door open and the click of Pepper 's heels . He didn 't look up at her , instead crossing his arms and sinking down further so his chair so his chin was resting on his chest . He saw her stop in front of his desk out of the corner of his eye , and he imagined she had papers for him to sign . But she just stood there for a long moment . Finally he looked up at her , just tilting his eyes , and she had a concerned expression on her pretty face . " What 's wrong ? " she asked , moving around the desk and sit on the corner of it by his legs . He gave a wry smile . " Oh , it 's not what did I do anymore ? " She set the folder in her hands onto the desk and nudged his shin with her toe gently . " Okay , what did you do ? " she asked , softer . Tony 's shoulders sagged , and he uncrossed his arms to pick up one of his pens off the desk and toy with it . " I asked Steve out on a date , " he admitted , starting to click the top of the pen over and over again . Pepper calmly reached over and removed the pen from his hand , putting it back on the desk . " And ? " " He said no . " She straightened up further , swinging her foot back and forth and glancing out the window . That was her thinking face , and he liked to see it . " What did he say exactly ? Did he say he didn 't want to ? " Tony shook his head once . " No , Steve went through the week trying to not think about Tony . But the more he did that the more the man crept into his thoughts . And he found himself wanting him around while being equally terrified of seeing him . He didn 't go back to his drawing space just in case Tony would be there . He didn 't want to be happy to see him and then remember that it was a terrible idea for them to be together . It would only cause pain on both their sides . " Earth to Steve ! " He looked up and found Clint sitting across from him at the picnic table , and he blinked at him before he looked down at his sketch pad . Staring back at him were a pair of big , dark eyes behind designer shades . He sighed and closed his sketchpad , before he covered his eyes with his hands . " Hey , Clint , how long have you been here ? " " Like forever , " Clint replied , and Steve looked at him to find he was giving him an intensely curious look . " What 's up , man , you look even more spacey than usual . " Steve folded his arms over his sketchpad . " I 'm all kinds of backwards . I got asked out on a date , and I can 't stop thinking about it . " Clint brightened immediately , a smile spreading across his face . " You did ? Really ? Who ? When ? Where ? Do I know her ? Where are you going ? Is she hot ? " Steve had to smile at Clint 's enthusiasm , though there was a bitterness to it because he knew he was about to let his best friend down . " I said no . " Clint stared at him , before his face screwed up like he couldn 't believe it , and he brought up his hands , pressing his fingers to his temples . " What ! " he cried , flinging his hands out . " Why ! " " Because , " Steve said , dropping his eyes and rolling his pencil back and forth with his finger . " That is not an answer . What possible reason do you have not to go out with a girl when your plate has been clean for two years ? " " It 's not a girl , " Steve told him . Clint was silent , and he looked up to find him considering him seriously . Then he leaned in . " Look , I know that you 've only dated like two guys ever , but that doesn 't In the morning , the guilt was still there . He couldn 't get over how powerful the fantasy had been . He watched his oatmeal heat up in the microwave with a forlorn expression on his face . The worst part about it is that whacking off to Tony hadn 't slicked his interest in the man at all . Now he just wanted to see him in and out of bed both . He wanted to romance him , to be romanced himself , wine and dine , and then tumble onto Tony 's bed with its no doubt ridiculous thread count sheets . " What 's wrong with you ? " " Huh ? " Steve asked , turning to look at Natasha . " You look like someone ran over your puppy , " she said bluntly , her eyebrows coming together , before she walked over to the microwave and opened it . She pulled out his oatmeal and put it on the counter , and he had no idea how long it had been done and he 'd been staring at it . " Nothing , " he finally says to her inquiry . He numbly went about adding milk and sugar to his oatmeal . " You know I don 't believe you , " she told him , still fixing him with that even stare of hers . So he decided to change the subject . " Jan tried to sleep with me last night . " Natasha 's brows went up . " Oh really ? How did that go ? " " She fell asleep while we watched Casablanca . " He turned and leaned his butt against the counter , bowl of oatmeal in his hand . She stared at him , before she smiled and reached over to patted his arm . " You 're a sweet guy . " " Uh huh , " he said , stirring his food . " So what time did you get home last night ? " A smile flitted across her face . " Around two . Clint and I went to a 24hr diner over in Brownsville and chatted for a couple hours . " She lifted her juice and took a drink . " He asked me out on a date for the hundredth time . " " And ? " he prompted . " I said yes . I figure that he 's put enough effort into it finally . He was really charming last night . He walked me to the door and kissed me goodbye on the cheek . " She was smiling , a kind of sincere smile she didn 't use very often . She patted Steve 's arm again . " And I figure if it aIt wasn 't technically crazy if he constantly checked a tracking number for the package he sent to Steve . No , it was just protectiveness . He only wanted to make sure that the package arrived promptly and safely . Yeah , that was it . That wasn 't crazy . Now all he had to do was wait for Steve to call him and tell him he loved the gift and wanted to go on that date with him . It had been a genius foresight to throw in the phone last minute , because then Steve had a direct line to him . It 's not like they had exchanged numbers or anything . He could have just included his number , but Steve had a pay as you go phone , and those things are pieces of crap . He deserved a state of the art StarkPhone . Yeah , perfect logic . Now he just had to wait for Steve to call him . He sat at his desk and stared at his phone . Any minute now . He 'd give him some leave to freak out of all the gifts . Pepper had really come through and found the best things for him to buy . So what if she thought it was a little extravagant ? It 's not like Steve was a flowers kind of guy . Oh , maybe he should have sent flowers too . Shit , lost opportunity . Pepper came in while he was gazing intently at his phone . " What 're you doing ? " she asked when she came to stop in front of his desk . " I 'm waiting for Steve to call me and lavish me with thanks for his gifts . " Tony picked up his phone and hit the home button , thinking maybe his phone had for once in ever failed to announce the call , but no , still nothing . " Uh huh , " Pepper said , before she opened the folder in her hand . " You need to sign off on this . " She set it down next to the phone and pointed at the line with the X . Absently he signed and went back to staring at his phone . " Why hasn 't he called ? Does he not like what I sent him ? " " Maybe he would prefer a car , " Papper said lightly , and when Tony lifted his eyes to her , she frowned at him . " Don 't you dare buy him a car . " She sighed and picked up the folder . " Give him some time , and he 'll call you . He 's not one of your engineering problems , TonySteve didn 't call that day . He didn 't call the next day either . He meant to , really he did , but every time he picked up the phone , which was like thirty times throughout the day , he couldn 't bring himself to call the man . Natasha gave him knowing looks over take out . Janet gently asked him how his projects were going . If he called Tony , then he would have to accept that the man had really spent a ridiculous amount of money on him , that his intent was true . Tony really wanted to date him and was doing some serious overkill spending to prove it . It was sweet in a totally overwhelming , scary kind of way . He wondered if Tony spent this kind of money on all the people he wanted to date . That thought made him jealous . And his jealousy completely confused him . The next day , Steve was determined to call Tony . It was Monday , so he had classes . He was up super early , and he put the StarkPhone in his bag . Maybe the university would give him the courage to face up to what he knew inside . He had to let Tony down again . He had to give his gifts back and tell him that no amount of money was going to get them into a relationship . He had to prepare himself for the disappointment in his voice . That thought dogged him through his first classes . He sat at the picnic table with the phone in his hand , running his fingers over its sleek black surface . He glanced up with Clint sat down opposite him , greasy bag of food in hand again . " You look like shit , " Clint said slowly . " Thanks , " Steve said , and he couldn 't exactly disagree with him . He went back to looking at the phone . " Natasha told me everything . " " Of course she did , " Steve said with a sigh . " Dude , I have no advice for your situation , because it 's pretty messed up . " " Thanks again . " " But me and Natasha are starting to understand that you don 't need anyone else 's advice . " Steve looked up at him , and Clint offered him a half smile . " You 've gotta figure this all out on your own . Eventually you 'll see that you 're being a total idiot by yourself . " Steve lifted hisThings returned to normal . Steve went back to sleeping , and the nightmares didn 't return . He guessed his exhaustion had fulfilled the amount of suffering required for them to pass . The week ended , and Natasha went out with Clint on Friday night . She looked super pretty in her little dress with her hair down and flowing over her shoulders . And Clint had managed to find a suit . He and Janet saw them off , and Clint promised to have her home at a reasonable time like they were her parents . And Natasha slapped his arm and said she 'd come home whenever she damn well pleased . Or maybe not at all . Clint 's smile was big and stupid . Natasha didn 't come home that night , and Janet had giggled about it before she went to bed . Steve had to admit that things were going well for those two , and they deserved each other . Steve slept in on Saturday morning , enjoying the fact that he had no responsibilities for two days . His projects were done , and he was pleased to do nothing . Then his cellphone started ringing , and he moaned , turning over and reaching to paw at his bedside table . He opened it and put it against his ear without looking at the caller ID . " Hullo ? " he slurred . " Steve ? " came a soft , shaky sob on the other end of the line . Steve sat up so quickly that the room tilted . " Peggy ? What 's wrong ? Why are you crying ? " She gasped in a breath . " Steve , can you come over ? I need you . " " I 'll be there as fast as I can , " he promised her . And he was up and out of bed instantly , leaving it in disarray instead of making it up like he usually did . When he went through the living room , Janet was there on the couch . She looked up at him . " Steve , you 're up . Where are you going ? " " Out , " he answered shortly as he got his jacket out of the hall closet . " Nat and I have been trying to get you to go out for ages , " she said , standing up and giving him a smile . " What 's the rush ? " " It 's Peggy , " he said , and her face immediately fell . " She called me , crying . She needs me . " He went over to the door , and Janet met him there , putting her han " Who are you texting ? " Pepper asked as she sat across from him on his private plane . Tony had been tapping away on his phone for about five minutes . He finished a thought and looked at her . " I 'm not texting anyone . I 'm recording an idea for an improved StarkPhone 's memory board . " He went back to tapping out ideas . " StarkPhone 7 ? " Pepper asked , looking like she approved that he was planning ahead . " No , eight , " he said simply . " I had seven planned out a month ago . " " Six isn 't even out yet , " she replied with a half a smile . " It 's not my fault that my company can 't keep up with me . " Tony sank down a little in his chair , his mind full of numbers , software and hardware components . There was a demand to make his phones smaller and slimmer each year , and it was like a game to him . Putting more power and processing speed onto smaller components was like a puzzle . " I met Steve , " Pepper said . Tony forgot all about the phones . He lowered his to his lap and gazed at her with wide eyes . " What ? When ? " " A few days ago . I was at the site , and he came around . You said he was a tall , handsome blond . He also had a bag of cat food . " She crossed her legs , letting her high heel shoe slip off her heel to dangle from her toes . " He is very good looking . " " Yeah , he is , " Tony said , sitting up . " What did he say to you ? " Pepper smiled . " He called me ' ma ' am . ' What 's more important is what I asked him . I asked why he turned you down . " Tony leaned forward , his hands gripping the arms of the chair . " Did he answer you ? " She nodded . " He did . He said he is no good for you . " His brows came together . " What ? That 's stupid . People usually think I 'm the one that 's no good for them . I was afraid he thought he was a conquest . " Pepper set her foot down , slotting it back into her shoe . " He 's depressed . I could hear it in his voice . I think he was about to cry while talking to me . " Tony touched his fingers to his lips . He couldn 't imagine Steve crying . The very idea made his chest ache . " I guess he didn 't say why ? " She shook her head . " He walked off before I could ask anythiSteve knew what he had to do now . The dreams he was having now made it obvious . Every time he closed his eyes , he saw Tony . It was always those same eyes , big and inquisitive , and that same perfect smile . And when he woke up with thoughts of the man fading comfortably into the back of his mind , he felt at peace . There was a problem though . How do you call a man you turned down twice and say that you can 't stop thinking about him ? This was the dilemma that hounded Steve now . He sat on his bed and stared at the phone that Tony gave him for several long minutes each day . When he drew , it always ended up as him . And his friends even told him he was sighing like a lovesick teenager . Finally when he opened up the Faber - Castell case , he drew his most realistic portrait yet . The first time he saw Tony was his most vivid memory of him . So he drew that gray silver suit with the plum wine shirt , his purple tinted sunglasses in his hair . The portrait was only a bust , and he was very careful about the line of Tony 's shoulders . They weren 't broad , but they were sharp . There was just a little blush along the cheekbones . His smile was almost kissable , with his perfect teeth . He wondered what it would feel like to have his facial hair brush against his skin . He was going to call Tony . That much was for certain . He just needed a plausible reason to engage him in a conversation beyond ' I miss you . ' He didn 't want to act desperate . For all he knew , Tony could have moved on by now , and he wouldn 't have blamed him . Being rejected twice was a good reason to start looking for other prospects . So Steve needed a good reason to call him . And eventually he did come up with one . There was probably asbestos in the building , and he needed to warn Tony to have his inspectors be extra diligent in searching . Yeah , that was a good reason to call him . Even with that reason in mind , it still took him another day to build up the courage to call Tony . He was sitting in the middle of his bed , gazing at the contact number in the StarkPhone . Finally he hit tTony didn 't have to go into work that next day , since Pepper pretty much ran the company for him anyway , but he wanted to see her . The things he wanted to tell her were better off said in person , that way he could spin excitedly in his awesome office chair . She looked up from her desk when he walked by , talking to someone on the phone , and he shook the bag of food in his hand at her . He heard her say " Sorry , I 'll have to call you back , " as he went and sat down at his desk . She poked her head into his office , and he grinned at her , already setting out the take out containers from that Italian place she liked on his desk . She narrowed her eyes , obviously suspicious . Then she walked in and sat down in one of the chairs in front of him . " What 's all this ? " she asked . " What , a boss can 't treat his assistant to lunch ? " he asked with an easy shrug . " It 's 10am , " she told him with a blink . He had the decency to look a little guilty . " I got eager . I wanted to talk to you . " He handed her a fork , and she accepted it with a sigh . " What about ? " she asked , picking up a bowl of salad and pulling off the plastic lid . " Steve , " he answered , tapping a plastic spoon on the table . His smile was big and just a little dopey . " He called me yesterday . We talked for hours . " Pepper paused mid - crunchy bite of crisp salad . Then she smiled and swallowed . " Really ? What did he have to say ? " " He said something about there being mold in the building we bought - " " What ? There 's no mold . The inspection already came back . " " I know , I know . I think that was just an excuse to call me . It 's total bullshit , and that 's what makes it adorable . But then he said that we could give dating a try if I still wanted to . " He peeled the lid off of his soup , watching the steam rise as he thought about what all Steve had said . " And I do want to . " He looked at Pepper , and she was gazing at him with a soft smile . " You 'll never believe it , but he 's been using the art supplies I bought him to draw me . " " Aww ! " Pepper cried , Days passed , and Tony and Steve talked to each other for at least an hour each one . They talked about pretty much everything and a whole lot of nothing , and Steve was just enjoying the sound of Tony 's voice through the calls . Tony talked about boring board members and how he 'd perfected playing Tetris on his phone while still listening for key phrases and giving brilliant insight on a dime . He also talked about cars , which Steve appreciated because he was into the classics and apparently Tony had several . He promised to show Steve his 1932 Ford Flathead Roadster if he ever came to visit , and even take him out for a drive . Tony also had a couple motorcycles , even though he wasn 't as much into them as he was cars . Steve informed him that he actually owned a Harley - Davidson Softail Slim , but it had been in storage for the past two years , and he 'd let the insurance expire . Tony moaned about how that beautiful baby must be collecting so much dust . To that Steve promised one day he 'd take Tony for a ride on it . Tony 's opinion on that was ' That 's hot . ' And now Steve was going to be thinking about a motorcycle roaring between his legs with Tony clinging to his back , his arms wrapped around his waist . Steve told Tony about his classes and how his projects were going , and Tony asked if Steve could upload his art somewhere so he could see it . Steve , embarrassed because most of his drawings were of Tony himself , declined because he didn 't have a scanner or a digital camera . And then he had to turn down Tony 's offer to buy him both of those . Tony let him go because he had to ' sign documents or something , Pepper 's glaring at me , ' and Steve chuckled as he hung up , wondering if Tony had been talking to him for the past two hours while he was at work . He shook his head and wandered into the living room . He stopped when he noticed the people . " Hey , Clint , " he said , before he looked at Natasha and Janet . " Hey , dude , " Clint said as he helped Natasha into her long coat . " We were about to go out to dinner . Want to come with us ? Two weeks passed in a blur of wonderful conversation and late night heady moans . And it was all totally perfect . Tony was amazing . His friends were happy that he was being social again . And Steve could finally draw something light , airy and full of joy . Everything was looking up . Then the nightmares came back . Steve woke up in a mess of tangled sheets and cold sweat , smelling sand and blood . When he came to himself , he rolled out of bed and dragged himself into a shower . As he stood under the hot water beating down his back , he realized something . If he was going to be with Tony , really and truly with him , then Tony was going to find out about his flashbacks . Even if he had been out of the Army for a long time , that stayed with him . He didn 't want him finding out when they were asleep together and he started flailing around . He needed to tell him , warn him what he was in for and see if he still wanted it . He waited until the afternoon to call Tony , and the man picked up with his usual greeting , and Steve smiled tiredly . " Hey , are you busy ? " he asked him . " For you ? I have all the time in the world . What 's up ? You sound worn out . " Steve laughed half - heartedly , before it became a sigh . " I am . That 's actually what I want to talk to you about . " He swallowed , slouching down on the couch . " It 's a really long story though , and it doesn 't have a happy ending . Are you cool with listening to that ? " " I 'm all ears , " Tony replied instantly , his voice worried . " Okay . Here goes . " Steve took a deep breath , before he rubbed his forehead . " God , where to begin . Okay , when I was younger , I had this friend named Bucky . He was more of a brother really . We did everything together . We even joined the Army together . And when I became a Captain and got my own squad , he was my right hand , my sharpshooter . We were the Howling Commandos , and we were the best at what we did . " He shifted , sitting up straighter , tension taking root in his back and shoulders . " Then we went on this mission , and everything went to hell . Our intel was wrong or something , Tony and Steve 's nightly routine changed , but only just . Instead of hanging up after their brilliant sessions of phone sex , they kept talking . It was never anything important , just Steve babbling softly about a drawing or Tony explaining some software he was writing . The subjects didn 't matter . Steve fell asleep listening to Tony rant or to him breathe if Tony fell asleep first . The sounds were soothing , and when he drifted off , he didn 't dream . It was more than he could ask for . On Christmas Eve , the day Tony was flying in , Steve was both ridiculously excited and absolutely terrified . He wanted everything to be completely perfect for when he and Tony were together . He had dressed up in a nice sweater that Janet swore up and down brought out his eyes , a pair of pressed khakis and dress shoes . His hair was styled neat and simple , and he somehow managed not to mess it up , even though he wanted to nervously run his fingers through his hair every five seconds . " So where are you two going on your date ? " Janet asked as Steve helped her into her coat . She was going to see her family , and she was dressed nice and cute for it . " I don 't know . He wouldn 't tell me , " Steve answered , worried about that . What if he was dressed too well or not well enough ? Knowing Tony , it was probably a restaurant without prices on the menu , but Tony would just say it was casual . He fought not to wring his hands . Janet chuckled as she did up her coat . " Don 't look so nervous , Steve . The hard part 's already over , because you know he likes you . " She grabbed her earmuffs . " My mom invited someone she met to set me up on a blind date . The worst part is that we 'll have to be awkward at each other around my whole family . " " That sounds terrible . Do you even know his name ? " Steve asked her . " Yeah , Henry . He 's some kind of scientist or something , which to my mother means he 's worth money , so I should have all his babies and be a housewife . " She sighed loud and dramatic , before she lifted up on her toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek . Tony was second guessing his idea to blindfold Steve in the car as they made their way inside and maneuvered haphazardly through the machinery that all looked pretty sharp suddenly . He kept his hands on Steve 's hips , and Steve gripped his forearms as they walked . Every time Steve stumbled a little , he pressed closed and said , " I 've got you . " Now the stairs were a different beast all together . Tony was almost sure they were going to die at one point . Steve was getting exasperated , his fingers digging into Tony 's skin . " I know where we are , " he complained , his hand reaching out to touch the wall of the hallway he must have walked down a couple hundred times . " Patience , " Tony told him , realizing the irony of that coming from him but neglecting to comment on it . He stopped Steve at the door and reached around his waist to open it , before he urged him inside . Immediately the sound of meowing filled the air , and Tony sighed as he undid Steve 's blindfold . " Way to kill the surprise , kitties , " he complained as the cats came over to rub against their legs adoringly . Steve rubbed his eyes with his fingers then looked down , smiling at the cats lifting up to put their front paws on his legs . " You 're letting them stay here ? " he asked , looking over at the pile of multicolored cushions and pillows . Maximus was oriented on the top , his huge body spread out on the old cushion Steve had brought in a year ago . " That 's not the surprise , " Tony said . " Well , it 's not the whole surprise . " He lifted a hand and set a finger on Steve 's jaw , pushing his face to look at the other side of the room . And he smiled at Steve 's slow gasp . Set up in the optimal lighting area - he 'd checked over and over again - was an easel with a padded stool . Around that were shelves filled with pencils , paints and other such things , so Steve didn 't have to bring any from home . And against the wall was a desk with his latest desktop computer , available for all the researching and YouTube videos that Steve could ever want . There was a comfortable loNotes : Oh my goodness , I 'm glad this is finished . I wrote almost non - stop for about a week . My emotions went through the wringer . It was often when I shouted at the characters " just kiss already ! " They are very stubborn . I had planned this to be a lot shorter than it is , but it ran away with itself . Oh well . I still like the final product . I hope you do too . Thanks for reading . EDIT : Added another scene at the end since people were asking about Steve 's space and the cats .

There are two things I remember vividly from visiting my best friend in the hospital after she had her baby . First , we went to visit her as a family , the 4 of us . I made sure to bring her a large container of food because I remember how hungry I felt while my milk was coming in . The appetite is a voracious beast that can hardly be sated . When we arrived , her husband and his father were there . His dad was holding the baby . All three of them surrounding a new born baby and not a smile between them . It was much the same as when they found out they were pregnant ; somber and unnerving . I smiled , said hello , and handed my friend the container of food . I also vividly remember just afterward , when his dad got up to leave , he wanted to get a ride home with him . ( They didn 't own a car , and relied on us and his father to get around . ) He sat on the bed and the two of them had a long , weird , mumbling conversation about how she wanted him to stay but he wanted to leave and go home and eat . As me and my family stood there in the tiny hospital room watching on awkwardly . Her husband kept saying how uncomfortable he was in the room . That 's right , as my friend had just given birth , had her insides pulled out and a baby removed , and had to stay in a dark hospital room with the windows covered up because they were doing renovations , he was uncomfortable and didn 't want to stick around . It was a lot of him whining , and a lot of her placating him and begging him not to leave , but in the end , he took the food I had made for her , and he and his father left . That would be the last time he visited her in the hospital . Later she told me how much she regretted sending him home with the food because later that night she was starving and there was nothing open at the hospital . When she told me that I was so mad . It was for this very reason that I had brought her the damn food ! The second thing I remember about this time was how often my friend was hospitalized with mastitis . Within a week of getting home , she was hospitalized again . She had left the baby at home with her husband . She called me and told me how tender and full her breasts were . I offered to bring her husband and daughter to the hospital . She called him and asked him to get ready so that I could come and pick them up . She called me back to let me know he would be ready . At this point , my daughter was 9 months old and I had her with me . I went to their house and rang the door bell . There was no answer . I rang several times . It wasn 't until I was turning to leave that her husband finally answered the door . He was groggy and pulling ear plugs out of his ears . He had been asleep . Are you fucking kidding me ? What do you think a baby needs ? I went into the house and assembled a diaper bag for the baby and then brought her out to the car . All I could think of was what a fucking selfish moron . I got to the hospital , and I had to carry one of the babies in a car seat , both diaper bags , the other baby in the stroller , and my purse . It was just ridiculous . Thankfully someone was there to help me carry in the baby in the car seat . I got to my friend 's room and I was pissed . I told her what happened and she was upset . It turns out he hadn 't even been to visit her , and it wasn 't likely that he would . Anyway , this was only one small piece of the larger hole . She spent most of her maternity leave at my place . We cooked together a lot , and spent a lot of time hanging out . It was great . The year went by and then my friend went back to work . Things in her relationship were the same , or worse . It was at this point that I was really pushing her to leave him . I couldn 't fathom why or how she could stay in that situation . At one point she called and asked me to pick her up because they had gotten into a huge fight . It was late at night and my husband and I were in the middle of a movie . I dropped everything to pick her up , thinking this was the end . Over the next few years I really struggled with my relationship with her . I could never understand why ( and still don 't to this day ) she stayed as long as she did . I thought she was weak and disgusting for letting herself stay in a situation that was draining all her energy , that was draining her soul . I was so mad at her for not taking a stand in her own life . Every question I asked her resulted with an " I don 't know " answer . They never had sex , and nothing ever changed , she never changed . I talked about this over and over with my husband , until he finally told me that I was no better than her because I didn 't do anything about it . He said I needed to make a choice : stop being her friend , or be her friend and stop talking about her situation . I very nearly ended our friendship over it . What stopped me ? Hope . I had hope that she might still grow as a person . I had hope that maybe somewhere , deep , deep , deep down she might have some sense of self - preservation . Also , I loved her . She 's my best friend , and I didn 't think it was fair of me to give up on her . It wasn 't long after this that my friend called me and told me that she found her husband passed out on the floor of the laundry room one morning . She had gone downstairs to see why he hadn 't come up to bed . She told me that his arm was bent at an awkward angle and she was terrified he had broken it . It turns out he had just been really drunk and passed out . They went to therapy a couple of times to try and fix things , but I never understood why . It usually happened when she was at her wits end and on the brink of leaving him . He would go , put in some effort for a week or two , then they would fall back into the same pattern of misery . I always wondered what they were trying to save . I mean , shouldn 't there be something there to start with ? Mutual love and respect ? Something good to work from ? What was ever good ? In all the years I 've known her , I 've never seen her truly happy . When she tells me about how he proposed , and their wedding it makes me cringe . He proposed in her car , outside his dad 's apartment after a coughing fit . Gross . Not to mention , she told me that he only proposed to her because she was going to college the next month and didn 't want her to meet someone else when she was there . It was the same with the way he told her that he loved her . They were at the mall and my husband and his friends were there . They stopped by and introduced themselves and then carried on their way . Honest to goodness , who the fuck is this guy ? He even told me that he didn 't want to change , ever , and he didn 't want to try and be a better person because then he wouldn 't be himself . This guy was seriously unbelievable , and to top it off , becoming an alcoholic . It wasn 't until very recently though , that she told me about the wine she used to have in her basement and how it had disappeared . When we first met , she worked at a wine store , and she had cases of wine . I guess at some point she went to get a nice bottle she had put aside and found that all her wine was gone . He drank all her wine . At the time she was more upset that he hadn 't asked than she was about it all being gone . The hardest part for me is that she didn 't even notice . How do you not notice that your partner is ( becoming ? ) an alcoholic ? This is indicative of her whole life , really . She lives with her head in the sand , willfully oblivious to all the signs going on around her . Then she 's surprised when something happens , like it happened out of nowhere . I am happy to say though , that since she made the original decision to leave , she 's grown tremendously as a person . She 's really opened up to self reflection and is learning about herself in ways I never thought she could . I 'm so proud of her . Anyway , a year or so ago , my best friend and her husband got into a fight about his drinking and she told him to leave . I was so surprised that she did it , if only she could have the resolve to stick with the decision ! Alas , it was not to be . He promised to go to AA , therapy , whatever it took . She believed him ( again ) and she let him move back in . On the day she left , my husband and I had been arguing a bit , and had just talked things out . We were walking in the park and enjoying the nice day when I got a text from her . ( You can read the specifics of it over at her blog here . ) She told me she had left her house . Then specified she had fled in terror of her life . I told her to come to our place , and we had a bed available for her and her daughter . I was relieved when she showed up at the park . The distressed look on her face giving way to sobs as she walked up and hugged me harder than she ever has before . I 've rarely seen her cry , and for her to be sobbing in my embrace was nothing short of a miracle . It must have been really bad for her to be crying . I told her she was more than welcome to spend the night , and for as long as she needed at our place . My worst fear was that she would go back . How she could even think of going back was beyond me . I think part of her would have , too , if the entire house hadn 't been in ruins . And over the following weeks I watched her go through a separation . I must admit , even though I have wanted her to leave him for years , it was still a harrowing experience . She took me to the house after he destroyed it , and showed me the carnage . It was overwhelming and disgusting . Everything that she owned in that house had been smashed . The worst part was the bedroom . I don 't even understand the kind of strength and rage it would have taken to destroy a good quality wooden bed the way he did . The closet doors were ripped off the tracks and full of holes from either punching or from drawer - throwing . I helped her clean up the mess , his fucking mess , after weeks of asking him to do it . He would claim , " it 's too hard for me to be there , I feel too guilty . " As you should , asshole . At the beginning , when she would speak to him on the phone , she still sounded like she was placating him ; always placating him . My husband told me that had perfected the art of complacently placating him while simultaneously sounding like she doesn 't give a shit . I suppose she 's had years to perfect it . She asked me one day if I was happy that she was getting divorced . How do you answer a question like that ? I mean , yes I am completely happy that she has dropped his sorry drunken ass and will be able to move on to better pastures . But watching her go through it , watching the way he takes advantage of her , talks so disrespectfully to her , drains their bank account so she can 't pay the bills , is very hard . He calls her and tells her that he never wants to see her or their daughter again . Then turns around and gets upset if they don 't call him for their daughter to say goodnight . The worst part is hearing him accuse her of being a whore . He demands to know who she 's been seeing , accuses her of having seen someone on the side for years . Personally , I believe he 's undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic , but I 'm not a doctor . He makes me sick . He told her that he was going to go to rehab for her . She explained to him that they were no longer together and that he should be doing it for himself , or if for no other reason than their daughter . He said no , because she was his whole world . He was also very unimpressed that the lady at the rehab center told him that he may suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be similar to the flu . Then what is the fucking point ? He has no friends , and the only other person who can stand his company is their daughter . I even wonder how his dad can stand living with him . I can 't believe my friend put up with it for so long . His tirade of abuse and slurs directed at her is fucking disgusting . I wouldn 't even treat my worst enemy with the enmity that he has for her . " You 've just been waiting for a chance to leave me ! " Yeah , because she needed to wait until you got drunk and destroyed the house before she left . If she was seeing someone , she could have left much earlier . That 's the part that scares me the most ; If he hadn 't trashed the house and instilled the fear of God in her , how much longer would she have stayed ? I have no doubt that she would still be with him . She 's the kind of person that hates change so much that it would take a huge , metaphorical slap to the psyche , ( drunk husband trashing the house ! ) something that would override all her carefully erected barriers of denial to knock some sense into her . However , I 've also watched her personal growth through this experience and I 'm so proud of her . She 's not afraid to stand up to him anymore , and she 's been more assertive with him . It 's heartening . She 's getting to know herself , confronting herself on a base level and discovering all the nuances of why she lives a life of denial and passivity . I 'm excited for what the future holds for her . She gets to start from scratch , rebuild herself into the better person she wants to be , and rebuild her life . I 'm excited for this new phase of her life , and although I know she 's desperately afraid , I have confidence in her and her ability to grow as a person . I 'm glad I 'm her friend , and I 'm glad I get to be right by her side while she goes through this terrible yet exciting experience . I 'll be there to hold her hand every step of the way and I hope she knows that . It 's finally happening , after all these years . She 's finally getting a divorce . My best friend is finally leaving her pathetic excuse for a husband and I couldn 't be happier for her . I met her a month after she had been married . My husband , who had known her since high school introduced us when he brought me to her house to meet her . She was bright and alive and I loved her immediately . I think I recognized a kindred spirit , someone like me , who just wanted to have a fun time . She took me to the basement of the new house to show off her wine collection and offered me a couple of bottles . This was in August . I didn 't see her again until December where she showed up at the group Christmas party wearing a gorgeous , long , black dress with matching black shawl . I didn 't understand . I made her explain it to me because I couldn 't wrap my mind around this concept . Not only had she already tried , unsuccessfully to seduce him , but she eventually revealed that they hadn 't had sex in months . They had been married in August ! A flood of emotions warred in me , but foremost among them was pity . How could a man , her husband , not find this woman sexy ? What was his problem ? In the successive years , there were all sorts of weird stuff that went on with my best friend and her husband . It was weird to me because it was so far outside of normal . They spent the first year of their marriage sleeping in single beds on opposite sides of the room . She had been angry with him and moved her bed to the other side of the room . All I could think was , why don 't you have a proper bed ? Newly weds shouldn 't sleep with a yawning crack between them . My husband and I love throwing Halloween parties , and one year we invited her , and she showed up wearing a trench coat . When she opened it up , she was only wearing lingerie ! She looked so incredible . I couldn 't believe how sexy she was . She was wearing a black bra , with matching black lace panties , with a garter belt with hose and high heels . I asked her what her husband thought of the costume and she laughed and said it didn 't matter because he would never know she wore it . Another time , I decided to invite them both over for dinner . I wanted a chance to talk to him , to try and understand him better because I knew how unhappy my friend was , but I wondered if he knew . I remember many times encouraging her to talk to him , to let him know how unhappy she was . I guess she tried but things never went anywhere . That night at dinner , I asked him all sorts of questions and we had a really great conversation . He seemed like a nice guy , if a little weird . I found him incredibly opinionated , but I liked that he wasn 't afraid to say what was on his mind . It wasn 't until later , after dinner , when we retired to the basement to watch a little television that I got the shock of my life . We had been discussing sex ( an inevitable conversation with me ! ) , and the subject of toys and masturbating had come up . He told me , flat out , that if he ever found out his wife was using a sex toy , he would divorce her . I was shocked and appalled . I just looked over at my friend and she shrugged . He said it was akin to cheating and that he would never forgive her if she did it . He also said that he didn 't masturbate because he didn 't need to , and if he did , it would feel like cheating . Over the next few years , that bright spark that I had originally recognized in my friend was dimming . She and her husband weren 't having sex , she was desperately unhappy , and she spent all her free time over at our place . Not that I was complaining , I had my best friend . I made her talk to me about her life , her husband , why she was so unhappy . She told me that they almost never had sex , they barely spoke to each other . She told me that he was a slob , and that he never did anything around the house . At first I tried to offer her advice on how to communicate with him , how to make things better . I don 't know if she ever did , or when she did , he wasn 't very receptive . It made me sick . How could anyone live like this ? How could she be so miserable with this man and still go home to him every night ? Eventually though , I started asking her why she didn 't just leave him . I really pushed her on this . For years I 've pushed her to leave him . In hindsight , though , it wasn 't my place . It was a decision she would have to make for herself , it wasn 't a decision I could make for her . I tried to encourage her to make a new life for herself so she could be happy . All I wanted was to see my best friend finally happy . I just couldn 't wrap my head around this life of misery that she insisted on living . I think I gagged . Why ? Why would anyone make this unhappiness more permanent ? If she wouldn 't leave him before , she sure as hell wasn 't going to leave now . And I was obsessed with the whole situation . She was my best friend and all I could see was the sadness in her eyes , in her face . Every story she told me about what was going on was between them made me sick . How could anyone continue to live like this ? One night , my husband and I had some people over . There were lots of drinks and shenanigans , and it was a really great night . My best friend was there , and I introduced to her another friend of mine in the hopes that something might happen between them . He was handsome and I knew from personal experience that he was a great lover . I was hoping that if she could just see that there was something better , someone who actually found her attractive and sexy , maybe she might start to see that she could have something better . The next morning , she came upstairs and told me that she 'd slept with him . I was completely shocked me . Even though I set it up , I had never admitted that that had been my intention , and I wasn 't even sure she would actually do it . It shocked me that she had done it , that she actually had the balls to to it . In my mind , her relationship with her husband was obviously over . I mean , if you 're going to step out and have sex with another man , clearly there is no relationship left . I was so excited at the prospect that this was the end of her terrible relationship . I mean , breaking up is never easy , and celebrating the end of a relationship isn 't very nice . However , maybe now she would find the courage to leave her husband , to live a bigger , bolder life where she could have the intimacy that she so obviously craved . She could find a partner with whom she could communicate . I would finally see her happy . We spent the day talking about what it was like to sleep with another man , hanging over and hanging out . It was a good day . Later that night though , she received a phone call from her husband . She started talking numbers . She told him to call the lady . I didn 't even know what to say . Usually this is one of the happiest moments in a couple 's life . She didn 't even look excited . How could she do it ? How could she buy a house with this emotionally crippled man ? She slept with another man the night before and then today she bought a house with her husband . I couldn 't understand . As someone who lives by my emotions , if I was as unhappy as she was , I could never had stayed . I couldn 't grasp what her driving motivation was . I remember once , she told me that she felt like if she got a divorce she would feel like a failure . I don 't think she understood that living in a shitty relationship constituted a failure . I was so sad for her . My heart broke to think that she had just set herself up for years more misery . It also made me angry . She completely disregarded all advice I 'd given her ( unsolicited , I might add ) , she refused to do anything , refused to find a way to change her situation . Fast forward a couple of years , I had just given birth to our first daughter together ( my second child ) . My best friend was still in her shitty situation , and I lamented that she would live like that forever . It made me so sad for her , but I knew I had to stop bringing it up , otherwise I 'd risk losing her as a friend . Then I got a phone call from her saying that she might be pregnant . Oh god , why ? I knew that she wanted to be pregnant , I knew that she and her husband had spoken of having children , but I don 't think she realized what that meant . She sent me a text of the pregnancy test , which was a very clear POSITIVE . I called her back . She asked me if I could take her to the clinic so she could have it confirmed by the doctor , and I told her of course I would . The next day I met her and her husband at the clinic . There was nary a full smile between them . They honestly looked like they had just been told she was having a miscarriage . There was no excitement , no smiles , no happiness . It was so weird . They hopped in the car and I dropped her husband off at his work . I think my best friend and I have completely different memories of her pregnancy . I remember her being terrified and frightened . I mean , a lot of first - time moms are , but this seemed … more . She didn 't seem very happy for most of the pregnancy , but when you ask her about it , she remembers it completely differently . She remembers being excited . If she was , she certainly never showed it . During her pregnancy , she met up with an old friend of hers ( the maid of honour from her wedding ) who she hadn 't seen since her wedding . When my best friend confessed to her that she was afraid and unsure about being a parent , the girl told my best friend that she should have an abortion , and that she should never have married her husband in the first place . My best friend was shocked , and never spoke to the girl again . She was so angry , but I couldn 't help but agree with her friend . And I had told her as much ( minus the abortion part ) . It was a hard labour that resulted in an emergency C - section , and her husband abandoned her at the hospital , leaving her all alone with a new born . It was disgusting . There were a lot of things that he 's done over the years that absolutely disgust me . That make me want to rail and scream and shake the shit out of my best friend until maybe some sliver of sense might creep into her mind .

And despite how badly Scott treated me , he rarely said nasty things about him . During the early days , his goal was always to make me smile . He told me that sleep because the stress would get to me more than I realized . One time he said , " We need to get out of town . " He let me pick . I wanted to go to the beach status . Arrogant wasn 't a word I think anyone would ever use to describe Ed . Most of all , Ed became my valiant protector . He protected me and my heart . they can support themselves financially . It wasn 't always easy finding love again . I had a lot of bitterness and betrayal to deal with . Many times I took it out on Ed . He stood strong and was secure enough in himself to realize it wasn 't him . He understood I needed to heal . A lot happened after the move out . The next year was a year of adjustments . We had to figure out how to take care of the kids as a divorcing couple . It was a trying time as well . I let him continue to get the kids off the bus and come into my house and start homework with them as he always did . This caused many issues . He was always going through my stuff - mail , paperwork , looking in my room , etc . He thought I was too stupid not to notice . He even opened a gift card I had hidden behind something on the windowsill to see who it was from . My son was upset because it was a Starbucks gift card for his birthday from the kids . So of course I heard about the snooping from my son . He made comments about fresh flowers I had at the house . He even accused me of having a party one weekend when he had the kids . Why ? He had to stop at the house for something one of the kids forgot . I wasn 't home . He went into my son 's room and found one of my shoes in the middle of the room ! I swear I laughed about that one forever ! I have no idea how it got there but it was ONE shoe and perhaps the dog drug it in there ? Who knows and who cares ? Most importantly , how does that indicate a party ? He still comes to my house after school a few days a week . I had to threaten to not allow him into the house anymore and would change the locks if he didn 't leave my stuff alone . He finally stopped and for the most part it works now . It is good for the kids . Then , there was the legal stuff . I hired a lawyer . He represented himself . So he paid ZERO dollars for the divorce . He thought he was a lawyer and wanted all kinds of crazy shit . My lawyer laughed at him . She wanted to know where he got some of his demands and requests . He would threaten me constantly . I just kept plugging forward legally . There were lots of fights and I was regularly called a bully . He wasn 't getting his way like he was used to and therefore I was a bully . Interestingly enough , it was him that was acting bullish . I was simply implementing boundaries and legally proceeding . He did not want me to use a lawyer . He wanted him and I to write up our own agreement . I am glad I didn 't go that route . Then , there was the insanity . He demanded to speak to the children every single night . He would get so irate if I missed a night . Well , sometimes I was busy with them at night and forgot or just didn 't have time . It was a big change for us and it required adjustment learning to balance getting home at 6 pm , dinner , homework , bedtime . For awhile my son threw hour long or more fits at night before bedtime . It was hard for me to deal with . I was often just mentally exhausted at night . Well , one night during a massive fit with my son , Scott kept calling . I answered angrily and told him it wasn 't a good time and to relax . He proceeded to text me . I told him to back off , put my phone in my room on the charger and silenced it . I didn 't need him on me while I was trying to get my son to settle . About an hour later , my son was settled and asleep . I was in my daughter 's room tucking her in when there was a knock at my door . It was 9 : 30 pm . My dog went crazy barking . I flicked on the light and there in the dark with a flashlight was the Sheriff . I answered the door . He told me that my husband called them to check on his kids . That I was not answering the phone and he thought they might be in danger . My response was " Are you kidding me ? " He asked if I and the kids were ok . I said I was just fine . My daughter was behind me and he saw her . I turned around and asked her to go back to her room . I stepped outside and closed the door behind me . He said " I am so sorry to bother you on a school night at this hour ma ' am . " My reply " He is no longer my husband , nor does he live her anymore . We are getting divorced . " He said , " We will make note ma ' am . We have on record that he contacted us before . " I asked " He did ? " He said , " Yes ma ' am , he wanted us to escort him here to check on his kids because I wouldn 't let him come by one day . We told him we don 't do that . " I shook my head in disbelief and wished him a good night . I checked my phone and had 30 missed calls and text messages threatening to call the police . I went into my daughter 's Things got better as time went on . Craziness ensued on occasion . My kids did relatively well considering . I am very proud of them . Posted by After I found out about the affair , there was no turning back . My mind was made up . I recently spoke with a friend who went through a divorce and she said once she made up her mind finally to take the leap it was like a light switch went off . There was no way she could go back . That is a great way to describe it . We agreed that he would move out January 1 . That meant we would live together for 5 months . We had some financial things to take care of first before we split residences . This became a very difficult time . We slept in separate rooms . He hated this and would sometimes beg me to come sleep in the same bed with him . It was pretty pathetic . We basically worked and took care of the kids . We did not speak to each other unless it was about the kids . I also did not wear my wedding ring anymore . As far as I was concerned , I wasn 't married anymore . This drove him crazy ! He continued to wear his . I refused . I put it back in the box and tucked it to the back of a shelf in my armoir . At one point he accused me of pawning it . I am not sure why he thought that but I often didn 't understand the way he thought . He got so aggressive about me pawning it I ultimately had to show him that I still had it . He claimed it was community property and if I pawned it I owed him half the money . Honestly , that didn 't even cross my mind , but this is the insanity of his brain . The things he would be concerned about . Several weeks later he accused me of stealing his passport . ( He was planning a trip with Kari out of the country I now know ) . I asked him why he needed it suddenly ? He said none of my business . I then asked why would I want to steal it ? He said nothing and just started digging around . He found it of course . It occurred to me one day to check on my ring in it 's hidden spot . It was gone . The box was there but the ring was missing . I confronted him . He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about . I gave him 24hrs to return it . I probably put some ultimatum on the line but don 't recall what it was . The next day I was outside with the kids and he walked out and said , " I found your ring . " I said , " Oh yeah , where ? " He said , " Go look in your room . You had it hidden in the back of the drawer wrapped up in a nightgown . " WHAT ? Insane I tell you . I went in my room and he literally had staged it like he was looking for it . He pulled the drOther things happened . During a fight one time he said he recorded things I had said during a previous fight and would use it against me in court . I lunged at him to grab his phone he was waving in my face and he jumped backwards hitting his elbow on the edge of the towel rack . I gave him a knee to the thigh and walked away . He left the house and drove to the police station to file a domestic violence report . He came back and claimed they were at the corner waiting for his call to come arrest me if I harmed him again . I left the house for the weekend . It was worse then it had ever been . He becaming raging jealous . He started looking at my phone when I wasn 't in the room . I was never like him where I had my phone on my person 24 / 7 . I had to start keeping it with me at all times and locking it down . He would hear me on the phone and hear a male voice . He would confront me right there on the spot . It was my dad ! I befriended another guy online who was going through a divorce . He lived locally and we shared a mutual friend , but we never met in person . We talked a lot about our divorce and kids . We shared a similar profession . One day he texted me while I was cutting the grass and I had my phone on the bumper of my car . Scott walked out and picked up and saw the contents of the text message that said simply " Just got home . You watching the game tonight ? " That was it . I was having an affair with this guy . I didn 't hear the end of it . So one weekend I made plans to stay downtown with a friend . Scott was convinced it was this guy he saw the text from . The guy has a unique name and he looked him up online and called his house . His ex wife still lived there and Scott told her we were spending the weekend together . He had called every hotel downtown asking to be transferred to this guy 's room . One hotel transferred him to a room so he was convinced that is where we were . The guy texted me the next day and said " What the hell is going on ? Why is he contacting my ex wife ? " I apologized and said he is going crazy . I asked if he happened to be downtown the night before and he said he was not . He also told me that he couldn 't talk to me anymore because his divorce was civil and he did not need anyone messing it up . We never talked again . However , I never heard the end of this guy I have never met in my life from Scott . I started going to see a counselor . More just to talk then seek help . It was good for me . She didn 't give advice really but just listened and asked questions . She gave perspective sometimes that helped digest what was happening . One time he asked to come with me to talk to her . I didn 't want this of course . He wanted to talk to her about how to tell the kids about the divorce . I thought this was stupid . It was our decision and we were capable of figuring that out . He insisted that I was being selfish and again threatened to hold it against me in court if I didn 't seek out this professional opinion . ugh . Always threatening me . So I gave in . I told her he was coming . He wore a suit of course ! I walked in and sat down in my usual spot on the couch across from her desk where she sat . He sat in the chair . He did all the talking . I just sat there . He asked her about how to tell the kids . Her response was " You two are very intelligent people . You know your kids better than anyone else . There is no right or wrong way . Just tell them the truth . Don 't sugar coat it . " So that was that and he spent the rest of our hour giving her an ear full about me . On the way out the door , she called me back in and said " Can you please setup an appt with me to meet next week by yourself ? " I went in the following week and she had a lot to say this time . She talked about my demeanor with him present . She said that at first she was confused by my behavior as it was not similar to our previous appointments . I was sitting there with my arms and legs crossed , coat still on and staring at her the whole time . She noticed my body was twisted away from him . After he just kept talking , it occurred to her that it was him . His presence had a profound effect on me . She said that his personality was so apparent to her and that I could choose to stay with him and work through it with him . Or , I could just leave him . This was the first time she ever said anything like that . She warned me that someone with his personality would not change unless he wanted to and it would require years of therapy / work . She said , I should not feel guilt leaving him if that was the decision I made . She also said , that based on her perception of his personality , the reason he wanted to meet with her was to get his jabs at me , not to ask about the kids . She believes he can 't stand that I was talking to her about him and he wanted his opportunity to tell her about me . The holidays were approaching . I don 't recall what we did for Thanksgiving at all . I do know that he went on a cruise with Kari for 10 days right before Christmas . He literally came home on Dec . 23rd . He of course said it was for work . I could have given two shits where he was and if he ever returned . My family was all at my house . They all knew at this point too . It was sorta uncomfortable but more for him than me . The reason I know about his cruise is because he never went away for 10 days for work , I literally didn 't even get a text about the kids from him one time , she worked for a luxury cruise line out of Ft . Lauderdale , he needed his passport , I found receipts for the Ritz Carlton in Ft . Lauderdale in our luggage and finally , tell me the last time you heard of any work convention taking place for 10 days before Christmas ? I swear he thought I was a complete fool . It is important to note here that during these 5 months he begged me to not end it and then finally asked me to let him stay and continue to live with us . He proposed we could lead separate lives and maintain the home for the kids . He used to try to guilt me in that he couldn 't afford a nice place to live and that he would have to live in a cave . He said the kids can 't see him living in a shoebox . Blah , blah , blah , blah . . . . I didn 't care and I didn 't give in . He said I was evil because I didn 't care if he was on the street . I didn 't . Once I found the receipts to the Ritz , I sent him a picture of them via text and said " For someone who says he wants to make things right , you sure didn 't pass up the opportunity to take a 10 day cruise with your mistress ! " And I just laughed . It turns out he supposedly got his best friend / boss to get a corporate lease at a fancy place to live . I know how much he was making and his pay would literally be consumed by the rent of this place so there was no way he was paying for it . His credit was so bad he couldn 't get a place that would let him rent that would meet his living standards - luxury , pool , fitness room , security , gated , etc . So he worked his magic on someone of means to make it possible for him . That 's how he always worked . We agreed to tell the kids together . We agreed on what we would say . The truth . Except when it came down to it , he took over the conversation and made it sound like it was temporary - not following the professional opinion he sought out . I of course over time had to clean up that mess with my kids . Things were not right with Scott and I after he got fired about two years after moving to Louisiana and the day before our second child was born . I won 't get into all the details of his job loss , jumping and quitting throughout the duration of our relationship . But , this time I had quit my career and was a stay at home mom . I depended on him to make it right this time . After getting fired , he passed up some decent opportunities ( didn 't pay enough for what he felt he was worth ) and started a business with two other guys . Again , I put my faith in him . I helped him with the business until I was forced to start working and the money was running out . It was very hard for me . I am a gal who needs financial security and every month it was getting harder . I started doing whatever I could work - wise considering I had two very young kids and no money for child care . I worked at the preschool my son attended a few hours a week . I worked for an account scanning documents for $ 10 / hr . I was freelancing in web design at night and on the weekends . Finally , I landed a part - time consulting job where I could work form home and my freelancing started to take off . However , by this time , Scott was not even making an income anymore as the business was failing . Eventually it closed . I begged him to find anything ! I told him to go be a bartender till he got something . He promised me daily but did nothing . Meanwhile , I got a job waiting tables on the weekends . I consulted during the nights after taking care of the kids during the day . I was the only one carrying us with a very unsteady and low income . By summer I was ready to leave the marriage . I had enough with how he was letting our life crumble and doing nothing . I know now he was already talking to Kari at this point . One day we got in a huge fight because I wasn 't allowed to cry about our financial situation . I left the house after telling him I want to leave our marriage and planned to go home to visit my parents like I did every summer but this time I wasn 't coming back . I intended to find a job there and start my life over . He got desperate and begged me to come home . He drove around town with the kids looking for me . He contacted my friends . He found one at the church and begged her to tell me not to leave . I went to a Beth Moore lecture with my girlfriends about a month after that episode . At the end , Beth said something that struck a cord so hard with me that I sat down in the pew and sobbed . I don 't recall what it was but it was something about identifying and ridding the negativity from your life . I knew at that point the negativity that was destroying my life was my husband . It was crystal clear . My friends finally got an earful of the truth of what was my life . Most didn 't know how bad it was . How we were on the brink of losing everything . It was very hard to admit what was going on in my life out loud . They were very supportive and held me up the way good friends do and in their own ways . One friend referred us to marriage counseling . The first time we went , the counselor asked me if I loved him . I sat silent for some time thinking of how to answer . Scott just stared at me in disbelief . I finally answered " I don 't know . " He was very upset by that . The counselor ultimately told him that he needs to be the man of the family and provide the support that a man should to his family . A wife does not want to bear the burden of everything . She basically told him to get a job and help me out with the home and children . A month later I landed a full - time job . I also landed a large freelance job . Shortly after , Scott finally got a job . Things were looking up . 3 months later he got fired . He told me the new boss didn 't like him because he was a male and she was cleaning house . I now believe it was because he needed to have a valid driver 's license for his job . I 've since learned he got a ticket that he never paid and then his license was revoked . I learned this from his mother who said they lent him the $ 650 to pay the ticket fees so he could get his license back but they weren 't supposed to tell me because he was afraid I would divorce him . So again , he was unemployed . He had to take care of the kids because I was working full - time now . After a several months of it he got depressed and needed that weekend getaway with his buddies that I wrote about in a previous post . Ya know , the one where Kari flew him using her miles , he charged $ 200 on our credit card for hotel room and he didn 't go there to sleep with her ? While he went out of town , I had to drag the kids to work with me because I couldn 't afford childcare . My boss later told me how he thought that was so shitty of Scott to " have to take a vacation " while he was unemployed . I concur . Eventually , I got a very good job and was back into my career ! At the same time , Scott was trying out another business venture with his friend Richard . They kept flying to Florida a lot to " learn about the industry " and go to conventions . This is also when he interviewed with Kari 's company . Even his mom started questioning why he was going to Florida so much . I basically didn 't care . Christmas was always as stressful time for me because Scott always caused issues with my Dad . I begged him this particular Christmas to not start trouble . He promised me he wouldn 't . After that , I regulary thought about leaving . I basically had one foot out the door . I waivered and thought and thought and thought about it . I talked to others who recently divorced for advice . Most said don 't do it because of the kids or save your money for a lawyer fees before you do anything . Every time he called me at work it was trouble . An accident , a ticket , a problem at work , a flat tire , blah , blah , blah . I would cry a lot at work after talking to him . Sometimes I wouldn 't take his calls out of fear of what the bad news was . Our financial situation was getting a little better but still very poor . A car got repossessed and shortly after returned because the payment and court order got crossed in the mail . We were trying to repay everything but at the same time he was having an affair and living the life . Everything was Richard . He came home with a pair of shoes . " Oh Richard ordered them online and they didn 't fit . So he gave them to me . " Or if he was texting while we watched TV , it was Richard about work . I find a Michael Kors cologne bag in the closet . " Richard got it as a gift from a customer and doesn 't like how it smells so he gave it to me . " Everything that was Kari , was covered up by saying it was Richard . I even caught him on the phone outside behind the shed one night . He was in his pjs . When I approached and said " What are you doing ? " he put the phone in his pajama bottoms pocket and I could see it was still lite up and on . He claimed he was talking to a co - worker who had the hots for his buddy . I told him that was the stupidest lie I ever heard and walked away . I just didn 't care . So one day while really having a hard time at work and crying in the break room about my marriage with a female co - worker , a male co - worker who overheard told me he fixed his marriage after 8 years of trouble . So naturally I sought him out privately to find out how . I think I still wanted that last attempt at salvaging before I jumped ship . He gave me advice and encouraged me to try for my kids sake . We talked a lot via IM about what happened to him and what was happening with me and compared notes . It was hard to talk in person about that stuff at work ( very little privacy ) and we didn 't see each other at all outside of work . So we IM 'd daily about how things were going and he suggested new things to try . He repeatedly told me I had to make it work for my kids . He was right . So I tried and took a lot of his advice . One day he said , " You loved him at one time because you married him . Why ? Try to go back to that reason . " That threw me for a loop . I didn 't know why . I couldn 't remember why . I went home that day and went for a 2 hour walk and cried because I didn 't know why I loved him and married him . The next day Scott left for his " week long convention " ( aka a week in Orlando with Kari ) and I had time to myself at night to think . I was digging through my nightstand looking for a notebook to start writing in and out fell a piece of paper . I started reading it and it was from the year before we moved to Louisiana . I wrote about loving Scott . I was stunned . I didn 't remember writing it but I guess I did and there it fell into my hands at a time I needed an answer . I went to work and immediately IM 'd my friend and told him . He was ecstatic for me . He said " When he gets back from his trip go outside on the patio and have a drink together . Just talk . " So that was what I did . We talked awhile and he said to me " You have been awful nice lately . " I admitted how I was feeling and how I consulted my friend and he was giving me advice . His first question to me was " Do you like this guy ? " . I just looked at him with a quizzical look on my face and said " No ? " He said then why are you talking to him ? I explained how it all started and said that the guy was encouraging me to save my marriage . He then said , " Well , I have someone I talk to as well and she has really been supportive and helping me " ( Kari ! ) But he wouldn 't tell me who because he said I know her . ( Lie . I didn 't and still don 't . ) That conversation didn 't end well and the next day I demanded to know who . I didn 't think it was fair that he couldn 't tell me and I wondered why . I told him the name of the person I was talking to . I had nothing to hide . So since he was being secretive I started to dig . There was no way in hell I was going to put anymore effort into my marriage at this point if he was cheating . A co - worker heard my story and was convinced he was cheating and encouraged me to keep digging . She told me I had to figure out the password to his phone and she believed the answer was within . She was right . So I finally gave him an ultimatum . Tell me who it is or I will start contacting every female I know . He said it was someone he went to college with and she was married to his college buddy so he didn 't want to tell me her name . He feared I would get jealous and contact her and cause trouble in her marriage . He told me her husband is a super control freak , that she works for his families ' business and has two daughters . I asked if he ever traveled to where she lives . He said no . I asked if she ever traveled to meet him . He said no and that she can 't travel anywhere without his family knowing since she worked for their business . He described someone else that I did know that wasn 't Kari . So I naturally figured it out based on the info above and confronted him about that person . He said , " what if it was ? how would you feel ? " I don 't recall the conversations after that but I do know it drug out awhile and he ultimately promised to stop talking to her . And important to note , somewhere in that conversation he said he doesn 't keep her name in his phone , just her number . And that he never intiates texting , only she does because if her husband found out he would kill her . So he waits for her to text . Between the above incident and the night I checked his phone in the hotel room different things went down . He started cleaning out his nightstand that was stuffed with all kinds of papers , business cards , etc . I had asked him for like a year to clean it out and suddenly he did . I asked him if he was clearing it out so I wouldn 't search it and potentially find anything . He got really mad at me . He got a text in the middle of the night and picked up his phone to read it . I pretended to be asleep and could see it was just a phone number , not a name . I confronted him and he got all upset and said it was his cousin sending him porn links . And then he went into this crying fit saying he needed help because he was addicted to porn and that was why he stayed up late at night after I went to bed . I told him I didn 't believe him . He put on quite an act . I said , " Then prove it to me . Get help . " He never did and I never heard another thing about this porn addiction ever again . So then comes our night out in the city while the kids are at my parents . He picks me up at work at 5 : 00 pm . He texted me he was downstairs waiting . We go downtown and end up at a bar owned by his high school buddy who moved to NOLA too . We eat dinner and drink for awhile with them . It 's Essence festival weekend so hotel prices are jacked up high but his buddy knew someone at the hotel next door and got us a room for the normal rate of $ 120 a night . We weren 't planning to spend the night so Scott volunteers to run home and get our stuff . I stay at the bar with his buddy and his wife just hanging out . He arrives back with our stuff and $ 650 in cash ! We were pretty broke so swinging the $ 120 for the hotel was a stretch . I asked where he got the money and he said Richard always carries around a lot of cash ( he is a millionaire ) and he gave it to him after work and told him to take me out so we could enjoy ourselves . I was very skeptical . . . We tried to go out on the town after that but it was miserable . We argued and disagreed about everything . We didn 't have fun and just decided to go back to the hotel and sleep . I woke up in the middle of the night to pee , checked his phone and saw the blank ( content deleted ) text message at 5 : 05 pm to a just a number ( not a name ) with the area code of Ft . Lauderdale - 5 minutes after he texted me he was downstairs at my work to pick me up . He had been to Florida at least 10 times in the past year " for work " . My heart sank , my hands quivered and eventually my whole body shook . It was over . So the adjusters show up . It is a nice sunny day . It is a husband and wife team from Pennsylvania . She examines the inside of the house . He the roof . They seem cordial and all . The apologize for our loss and leave . I feel uneasy . Not sure why . We returned back to Dallas . We still were unsure what our next step was . Do we get an apartment or not ? Where is his company going to send us ? One day we are going back to New Orleans the next day we are not . In the meantime , things are getting tense at the in - laws . At one point my mother - in - law had a little bit of a heated discussion that sent me over the edge . She left the house and in the 30 minutes she was gone I packed up every single item we owned that was at their house and moved us out . Remember my husband rented a UHaul to go back to check on the house , well , he brought a lot of stuff back with him . I drove south into Dallas because I knew my husband was working in Dallas . I called him on my cell and asked for directions . I think he was in shock that I made such a drastic move so suddenly but he handled it well and was supportive of my decision despite how rude I was being to his parents . He told me how to get to him and made reservations for us to stay at the hotel directly next door to his temporary office . We moved in and I settled down . I spent time shopping with my daughter , watching movies , going to Chuck E Cheese and hanging out with my old college roommate Liz . She let me use her washer and dryer and we had dinner over there a few times . Then , we were told we were to go back to New Orleans . Despite the condition of our home . Hubby 's job was returning to the city the following week . I was on the phone A LOT making preparations for our return home , etc . My best friend Jen offered up her camper still parked in Ohio ( she had moved to Florida the year before ) . That way we didn 't have to wait on FEMA to get us one . I called my parents and asked them if they would tow it down for me . Jen went to work trying to get a current license & registration on it as it had expired since the trailer was in storage . It was a lot of back and forth and coordination between her and I and my parents and her parents . Jen was awesome and patient despite the quick turnaround time needed . One random day in that week at the hotel , I got a phone call . I was in a mom 's club back home that happened to be an international club . The woman calling me was from the headquarters . She got word from our chapter president of the damage to our house . She said they have a fund to help out their members in times of need such as this . She informed me that they were mailing me a $ 5000 check and needed to know where to send it ! I was in my car and luckily I was parked because I just started crying . I had two feelings : guilt and humbleness . I felt guilty for being in need and humble for their generosity . I couldn 't thank her enough . What do you say to someone who you don 't know that is going to make getting those trees off your roof a reality ? We eventually made it home and met my parents with the trailer to live in . Before we could move back in , we had to clean up the house from the flea treatments and get the rooms with mold secured with plastic so it didn 't spread . We also had to gut the walls and treat the studs to remove mold . My parents stayed with us for a while helping us get things handled . Kate at 2 . 5 locked herself in the camper while we were all outside . It is a fun story to tell today but a little worrisome at the time . Roof has a blue tarp all across the front . Found a guy to remove the trees from our yard with his industrial size chain saw and front loader . Dad and his normal chain saw was not able to handle 50 - 60 year old 70 - 100 feet tall pine trees . The entire frontage of our almost 1 acre property was piled up 10 - 12 feet with tree debris . I used to have a picture of it using my mailbox as a reference for height ! Several moms from the Mom 's Club I was a member of brought us meals during that time . It was so nice to get home cooked meals instead of eating out ! My parents brought down tons of gifts from family and friendsfor Kate . It was like Christmas for her . We did have to throw out a lot of her stuff because the toy room was one of the rooms that got damaged badly . A check from the insurance company arrived . $ 20 , 000 . Really ? Did they see my house ? So my parents eventually went back home . We were able to live in the house . Scott was working . I was trying to lead a normal life with Kate and find a contractor to fix our house . It just seemed to be one thing after another . We needed to buy a new fridge but it was hard to find appliances after the storm for obvious reasons . They were sold out EVERYWHERE . So we ordered it online from the same place in Chicago we ordered the first one . Because the mail , let alone shipping was a total mess in New Orleans the 2 week shipping turned into months and we didn 't get that new fridge until 2 weeks before Christmas ! The first fridge got lost and then was later found sitting on a dock somewhere . The second fridge got sent back to Chicago after arriving in New Orleans . It was a mess . To get by I was using the camper fridge for veggies and fruit and a 1950s beer fridge that was plugged in outside the back door of the house in the carport . What I didn 't tell Jen about one of my dogs was that she only had 6 months to live . She had lymphoma for the second time . We treated her at age 3 for it and spent $ 5000 . It bought us 5 more years with her . This time we passed on the treatment as $ 5000 + was not feasible anymore . She called me one day and said that Dakota seemed sick . I counted the months backward . It was about month 5ish . Crap . So I decided to drive there and get the dogs . Well , lo and behold , Hurricana Wilma was headed straight for her in Florida so I had to delay my trip ! I didn 't make it there in time . My best friend had to put my Dakota to sleep for me . I remember having to make that decision at an iHop . Jen called me two days before I was leaving to go to her house to say Dakota was in bad shape and what did I want her to do . I was having breakfast at iHop and was standing outside the restaurant on my cell phone crying telling her not to wait for me . Two days later I left for Florida . I decided since I was by myself and not in a hurry I would drive through Waveland , Bay St . Louise , Gulport areas . I got off at Waveland , MS and took the route I new to get to a beach house owned by Scott 's boss . As I drove south towards the water through the neighborhood there were boats in the roads , houses off their foundation in the road . There were dirt paths around everything . This was early November . The only people I really saw were the utility companies in their trucks working Then , out of nowhere it was like the whole environment got eery . It was devastating . There was nothing . All of sudden like that . Nothing . There was a definitive line where the surge clearly took everything away . It was ground just covered in mud . As I drove through the streets , you would see an occasional lawn chair or something that didn 't wash out to sea . Someone found a picture of a couple with their child and set it up against a tree . I came to the ocean . I could go right or left . I knew the house I was looking for was two houses to my right . I could see from the corner the lot . There were no houses either direction . I turned left and headed toward Bay St . Louis . I saw a U - Haul truck on the beach covered in sand almost to the roof . The only way I knew it was a U - Haul was because of the coloring and partial lettering sticking out . I saw a woman outside by two tents . There weren 't many people so I stopped to talk to her . I asked her a lot of questions and asked her if I could bring her anything on my way back from Florida . She said Second Harvest was setup in town and feeding everyone . Walmart was open again . She had everything she needed . I asked about a FEMA trailer . Now , this is where everyone needs to listen up and forget what Oprah and the news told you about no one getting FEMA trailers . . . What I didn 't realize and learned that day from her is that you could not get a FEMA trailer until you had approved electrical and sewage hookups for safety and obvious reasons for the sewage . She had What everyone needs to understand is that the infrastructure of the gulf coast was destroyed . I don 't know the specifics , but their sewage and water lines could have been destroyed as well . That takes time to fix people . When Oprah rolled in 6 months later reporting on the lack of progress I almost punched the TV . I was seeing it first hand how bad it was . There is no bouncing back FROM NOTHING overnight . They weren 't even cleaning up a lot of stuff or worrying about the houses in the middle of the roads . They just worked around all that . I saw them working on getting the necessities back in order - like electricity . I returned in February and saw a lot more progress and cleanup . My parents were with me and they just couldn 't believe it . The one thing my dad and mom commented on was the amount of FEMA trailer parks . Yes , that was the easiset way to get them setup with proper electrical and sewage instead of on individual lots . I also took them through Lakeview ( New Orleans neighborhood that rarely is covered because it 's not the ninth ward ) where there were FEMA trailers on almost every lot as their utility infrastructure was intact but their houses were completed flooded . I spent a week at Jen 's to relax a bit and I needed that . I also found out I was pregnant with Jack while there . It was a funny story . I was complaing how about a week or so ago I felt like I had the flu and how it only lasted one day . She reminded me that happened when I got pregnant with Kate . She asked me how long it was since I had a period . Lord , I had no idea . I was so distraught I wasn 't keeping track . She stopped off at a Walgreens to get me a pregnancy test . It only took 1 second and that thing was screaming PREGNANT ! lol ! She got to enjoy me calling Scott and my parents to tell them . What a crazy ride . I took my 1 dog home and continued to look for contractors and wrangle with the insurance company for more money - which was a documenting nightmare and full time job . We had to have a second adjuster come out . The insurance did not want to replace our entire roof , just the front ! Are you serious ? Contractors were telling us the whole roof needed to be replaced because every single tile was unglued from the winds and many were broken . So the morning of the adjustor coming , Scott gets a ladder out to have a look at the roof himself . I am inside with my back to the patio doors folding laundry when I hear a loud crash and him screaming . I turn around and there he is laying on the driveway under the ladder . The neighbor behind us was drinking coffee in his breakfast nook and came running . He heard him and could see him laying there . ( First time we met the neighbor because there were no privacy fences anymore . ) The ambulance came and he ended up with a very sprained ankle and broken arm . The good news is the second adjuster agreed we needed an entire new roof . Thank god . One day at the end of November I walked out of my front door and smelled gas really bad . A few months earlier a runner told us he smelled gas everytime he ran by in the morning . We had the fire department come out and check . Nothing . Well , I finally smelled it . We believe because it was now winter and the winds had changed pushing the gas toward my house and it was getting caught up in the alcove by the front door . I called the gas company . They found it right by the connection to my house . The guy unhooked my gas meter out front , put it in his truck and said " Call a plumber . " I had no gas to my house that fast ! As my luck would have it the first two weeks of December were frigid cold for Louisana . I was wearing my old wool sweaters and ski parkas from my up north days IN THE HOUSE ! We had to go by 4 space heaters and all sleep in one room at night . I called the plumber . He told me the gas line to my house was most likely cracked when the trees fell during Katrina . He said it is only 6 inches underground . He proceeded to tell me it would be about $ 2400 and whatever it cost to break up my driveway as it ran under my drive . I said , " You are going to have to break up my driveway ? " He said , " Yes ma ' am . " With that I did an about face and walked into my house and slammed the door in his face . I didn 't care about the money . I didn 't want one more thing broken . After I regained my composure . I called the plumbing company and told the lady who answered to apologize to him for me . She said , " Honey , please don 't worry . We will help you . " The owner called me back and said he found someone who could tunnel under my driveway but it would cost more money . I told him I didn 't care and to get it done ASAP . Unfortunately , I had to go two weeks without gas , heat or hot showers . Christmas arrived about two weeks after my new fridge and my gas was fixed . It was the first time we didn 't spend it with my family . It was quiet but nice . Kate got so many gifts it took us all day to open them . Scott cooked and we sat around finally in peace because we had secured more money from the insurance company and a contractor who was going to start the 3rd week in January . Rebuilding the entire front of our house . To wrap it up . The last and final thing to be fixed was our ornamental pond under the palm tree you see in the pic above . It was detroyed by the trees falling on it . It was the end of June before that got done . Scott came home from work on July 13 and told me he lost his job . On July 14th I gave birth to Jack . Related : 31 - 17 . . . and then we danced . I spent a week at my parent 's house pretending I was okay . Pretending my life , my marriage and my heart were just peachy . I was far from okay , let alone peachy . I had a war going on inside of me . My emotions were out of control yet somehow I managed to fake it . One never knows how well they can hide the truth until they are put to the test I guess . I had no game plan upon arrival of how I would act or hide the truth . I just winged it . I couldn 't talk about it . I knew one thing for sure . There was no way I was spilling the beans to my parents that week . In fact , it was July and I didn 't tell them a thing until October . I just couldn 't . Couple of reasons 1 . I had to figure it out for myself . I had to know the what , when , where and how before I divulged anything to my parents . I told other people . My friends , people I worked with , my neighbors . I just couldn 't break it to them yet . 2 . I had to be okay with what was happening in my life and in the acceptance stage . Telling an unrelated third party is one thing . Telling your parents who will most definitely be on your side and ready to fight for you is another . I had to be ready for that . 3 . I didn 't want their influence in my decision making . I needed to know that it was my decision and my decision alone Sure , my friends and co - workers had their opinions but they wouldn 't influence me as much as my parent 's would . 4 . They worry . Especially my mom . And she did . I had to be in a strong position to get her past the worry . I had to have a plan in place to be able to put her mind at ease and have answers . 5 . And probably the hardest reason . . . admitting I failed . ( I can 't even write this without crying . ) I had to tell my parents that my marriage failed . Coming to grips with such a failure in your life is very difficult . While we were there I Facebook messaged and called his mistress , Kari . I let her know that I knew . I left a voicemail on her home phone and work phone . Being she held a very high position at her company it wasn 't hard to get her work number . I dialed the main number and simply asked for her . She complained to Scott and then I got reprimanded for leaving a message on her home phone because her kids or maid might have heard it . Whaaaa . Well , then you shouldn 't be sleeping with a married man if you don 't want such things to happen . Cry me an f - ing river was basically what I told him . Then , he proceeded to tell me that she has an army of high - powered lawyers who will take me down if I continue to harass her . To which I simply laughed out loud at him . " Really ? " I said . " I have seen much worse from wive 's of cheaters . Calling her to let her know I am now in the loop is a far cry from running her over with my car ! " Then , he told me she is prepared to get a restraining order against me . Again , I just laughed and said , " Do they give restraining orders to someone who lives 4 states away from the potential victim ? " I managed to get through a visit with my college friend and her family , several events with my brother and parents and even a birthday party for my son where a bunch of family members came over and some other friends of the family and my brother . It was tough . I had to listen to my family talk about my cousin 's recent divorce and try not to comment on what they were saying . Not because what they were saying was bad or anything . Simply because you have no idea until you live it . That is what I wanted to blurt out constantly ! We didn 't sleep in the same bed at my parents or ever again . We played it off as each of us sleeping with one of the kids . All I remember is that once my kid of the night fell asleep , I cried . Posted by I don 't know where my husband went for 5 days . I know he didn 't take my calls until two days after leaving . He claimed he was staying in a hotel in the city paid for by his friend Richard ( We were pretty broke at the time ) . He also claims Richard set him up with a lady who is a counselor to speak with him about what was going on . Knowing what I know now , I don 't think that any of the above is true . The only definitive thing he told me was that he would be home on Wednesday after work . So my guess is he flew to Ft . Lauderdale to be with Kari , his mistress . She was the one " counseling " him and the reason he wouldn 't come home earlier than Wednesday to talk about the divorce even when I asked him to . So I went to work , kept to myself and carried on with my life . I remember cutting the grass after work and smiling to myself that I was now going to be on my own living my life and back in charge of it . It was a tremendous feeling . To some that may seem raw and cruel but to me it was my first good and confident feeling I had had in a long time . On Wednesday night he arrived home . We didn 't speak much . On Thursday night we had to pack as we were leaving after work Friday to go to my parent 's in Ohio to spend the week and fly back with the kids . It was Thursday night when I told him I didn 't want him to go to my parent 's with me . Of course he begged and pleaded . He said the kids were expecting him , etc , etc . Same old lectures of convincing I was used to . At some point in that conversation we got in a huge fight and I made him admit he was having an affair with Kari . Oh he not only admitted it , he gave me tons of details . . . 6 . Two years prior when he was unemployed and taking care of the kids he told me Richard was letting him use some extra miles he had to fly to Ft . Lauderdale for the weekend to relax a bit ( because he said he was depressed ) and hang out with his high school buddies . He admitted that it was really Kari who used her miles ( she works in travel ) and flew him there . That was the first time they slept together but as he puts it , " I didn 't go there to sleep with her " . Oh really ! If a guy flew me to his place for the weekend after we had been texting / talking for a year I don 't think it would be to sleep with him at all ! NO ! Never ! Besides the adultery started a year prior when he started having daily conversations with her . 7 . She tried to get him a job with the luxury cruise line she worked for . He told me all about the job prior . He was so excited and told me a high school buddy hooked him up and his chances were good . He didn 't stop talking about it prior to going for the interview . He even said ( get this ! ) that if he got the job he would move there by himself for like a year to see if it was a good fit and the kids and i could stay here . He would just fly home on the weekends . How incredibly convenient that would have been for him don 't ya think ? 8 . He even told me about the first time that they slept together . I asked if that was the $ 200 charge on our credit card that I had questioned him about during the # 6 trip above . He previously had told me that he and his buddies were drinking at the hotel bar and he charged the bill and they all gave him cash . Truth is he admitted was that he got a room for him and her to shack up . I never saw the cash and he was unemployed so $ 200 was a huge hit to our then $ 39 , 000 a year family income . 9 . When I asked about all his other " business trips " to Florida that he was going on with Richard because they were trying to supposedly start a new business , I found out it was all her flying him to visit . Prior to this night he had recently spent a week in Orlando for a " convention " and I found it odd that I didn 't hear from him once during the entire week . He was with her I now know . I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying for the better part of the night . I don 't know if I slept or how I even finished packing for my parent 's house . I rode to work with him since we were going to the airport after work . We didn 't talk at all . I got to my desk at work and broke down in horrible , loud sobs . I am sure people around me were in shock and didn 't know what was going on . No one said anything though . Finally , someone on my team arrived and he stopped by to say Happy Birthday and give me a candy bouquet . ( It was in 3 days but I would be out of town ) Instead he found me a mess . A hot , blubbery , crying mess . He sat with me and just listened . We weren 't even close friends really but I think he felt obligated . I made it through the day somehow and got picked up for the airport . We didn 't speak to each other . I stood as far away from him as I could . I wanted no association with him what so ever . I was seething with anger and hatred . I watched from afar as the asshole ( dressed in a suit because he thinks traveling dressed up gets you better perks ) tried to convince the gate person to let him board early . The guy kept saying no and he just kept trying to work his magic on him . I just looked on with disgust . I kept thinking , " Why did I marry such a jerk ? " We boarded the flight , sat apart and then I put on my facade upon arrival in Detroit . Divorce - Part 1 - Time to start writing again . " Winds in the east , mist coming in . / Like somethin ' is brewin ' and bout to begin . / Can 't put me finger on what lies in store , / But I fear what 's to happen all happened before . " - Bert from Mary Poppins On July 2nd , 2011 , in the middle of the night I awoke in a hotel to use the bathroom . I was staying there with my husband . I noticed his cell phone was lying on the dresser and he was dead asleep . I seized the very rare opportunity and took the phone into the bathroom with me . I closed the door and proceeded to log into his phone with the password I believed he used . I had been watching him for a month type it in over his shoulder or sitting next to him and tried to memorize it based on the keyboard and his finger movements . Amazingly , I got it correct . I went to his text messages and the last text message was a random number ( no name ) and the contents of the text was erased . I googled the area code and found out it was from Ft . Lauderdale and it was then that I knew my marriage was over . There is a lot more history before that moment that made me understand the significance of that random number and it being from Ft . Lauderdale . It 's a long story that I will eventually get to on this blog . After that moment , I woke his ass up and confronted him . He instantly got mad at me for checking his phone . I don 't recall the argument that followed or the lame excuses he gave me . I just know we packed up , checked out and drove home . Thank god my kids were in Ohio at my parents because the next week was pure hell . Upon arrival home , he packed a bag and left . I don 't recall any of the conversation or what was said at all . I don 't even know if I cried . I just remember that I sat down on my red couch and called my best friend . I spoke 5 words I had never thought I would say " I am getting a divorce . " I never felt so sure about a decision in my life .

FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag " Here are 20 foods you can only find in the American South . Which ones have you tried ? Would you recommend trying it ? ( deslide . clusterfake . net ) » ( 18 comments )

Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . Thank you for all your entries . The winner will be stickied until the next contest 's winner is crowned . No more entries are allowed in this contest . It is possible to vote for yourself , but I would hope in the name of good sportsmanship that you would only do so if you have read all the other stories and given them your honest evaluation . You gain nothing if you base your vote solely on how you feel about the author or whether you have personally invested time and effort in the story . In the end , your conscience is your only judge . Just call me Thunder Thighs . Everyone else does . Ever since the fifth grade end - of - year pool party , when I dared to wear a swimsuit in front of the whole class , I 'd earned the nickname . My mother had told me the suit she bought me at the mall would be flattering , its skirt hiding my worst parts , and although I didn 't really believe her , I wore it anyway . I wanted to have fun like the other kids , playing Marco Polo and volleyball in the pool , celebrating the end of elementary school . I 'd been called other names in the past , like " piggy " and " fatty " and " wide load " , but this one for some reason hurt the most . And when they called out to me with this name , it was usually followed by a " whoosh - whoosh " sound to imitate my large thighs rubbing together . The name stuck all through junior high , and now that I was in high school , a whole new set of kids were learning my lovely nickname . For years , I 'd begged my mom to move to another school . She told me it was impossible to run away from my problems because they 'd be right there waiting for me wherever I went . She put me on all sorts of diets , had me checked out by doctors , tried to get me to come to the gym with her or for long walks after dinner , but no matter how hard I tried , I still was the fattest girl in class . My nearest competitor was Kathy Simms , and I had a good fifty pounds on her . Needless to say , I 'd never had a boyfriend before . No boy would ever even talk to me , except to call out " Hey , Thunder Thighs , " when I walked by . And that certainly didn 't qualify as talking . One time in sixth grade , I passed a note to a boy I had a crush on . I gave it to Darla in first period , who gave it to Sherry in third period , and she gave it to the boy at lunch . The note said , ' Would you go steady with me ? ' and I gave him two choices . He had to simply check either a box for " yes " or one for " no " . When I got the note back from Mandy in sixth period , I saw he 'd scrawled in his own answer below . He 'd written " HELL NO ! ! ! " in aI floated to my locker , my mind on everything that happened over the weekend . My best friend Allison , who was really my only friend , had three older brothers . When I went to her house , which was pretty often , they barely paid me any attention . Two had already gone away to college . Pete , the one who was still around , always ignored us . But , suddenly , three weeks ago , when I was spending the night , I bumped into him as I stumbled to the bathroom for a drink of water . Allison was already fast asleep . Somehow , we got to talking . I don 't remember what we said , but we ended up in the rec room in the basement , and he kissed me for the first time . The whole next week , I was on cloud nine . The following weekend , even though Allison wanted to spend the night at my house , I insisted we spend it at hers . I didn 't tell her about me and Pete . I didn 't know how she 'd react . This time , I snuck out of her room at around two in the morning , and sure enough , Pete was there waiting for me . We resumed our make - out session in the basement . I even let him get to second base . It was really romantic . He put on a CD of Pink Floyd and dimmed the lights , and I felt special all over again . No one had ever made me feel that way before . This past weekend was still great , but as we were getting hot and heavy again , my pajama top in a ball on the floor while Pete 's pants were down around his ankles , we heard a loud voice that stopped us cold . Allison was at the stairs glaring at us , hands on her hips . She really let us have it , screaming so loud that even her parents woke up . She told them to drive me home at three - thirty in the morning because we 'd had a fight , and she wouldn 't return any of my calls on Sunday at all . I hadn 't seen her yet this morning . I felt bad for not telling her and upsetting her so much , but at the same time , she should have understood . It wasn 't every day that I got a boyfriend , even if it was her brother . I was mad at her for being mad at me . But , like I said , nothing was going to ruin my good mood , so I put it out of my mind . " There she is , " I heard someone say . I assumed they were talking about me , so I spun around . When I saw all eyes on someone else , I realized that for once they weren 't talking about me . Otherwise , I 'd be hearing the familiar " whoosh - whoosh " sounds by now . Janice Hubbel sauntered down the hall , her long blonde hair flowing behind her . She 'd only been at our school for two weeks , and in that time , I 'd heard she 'd slept with half the football team . Already , every boy in school had a crush on her and every girl hated her . As I eyed her perfect size - six figure , clad in low - riding , ultra - tight jeans that were ripped in all the right places , I could see why . Her huge boobs threatened to erupt from her extra - small tank top , and I don 't even think she was wearing a bra ! She didn 't seem to notice all the eyes on her ; she walked with the confidence and ease of a supermodel . I didn 't hate her like every other girl ; I was the exception . I admired the way she carried herself , oblivious to everyone as they whispered behind her . I wished I could walk like that . She disappeared around the corner . I quickly gathered my books , but as I was about to shut the door , I noticed an envelope at the bottom of the locker . It had my name on it printed neatly in unfamiliar writing . I was about to open it , but then I heard a clanking sound beside me and realized Allison was at her locker two away from mine . I shoved the envelope in my book and turned toward her . Her lips curled into a sneer . " Boyfriend ? Really ? Is that what you think that was ? " She laughed in a way I 'd never heard before and walked away shaking her head . Well , that ruined my good mood . I didn 't think anything could , but the tears started before I could do anything to stop them . I rushed around the corner to the bathroom as the warning bell rang . Some girls pushed by me as if I wasn 't even there . " Out of the way , Thunder Thighs , " one of them said . I pressed to the wall to let them pass and then hurried to the farthest stall , hoping to hide before anyone saw me crying . The locks on the doors never worked in any bathroom at our school . They were either missing or broken and they never seemed to keep the doors shut . So , when I pushed into the stall , I didn 't notice it was already occupied . I didn 't realize who or what I was staring at , it all happened so fast . Someone was in the stall peeing , but she was standing up . My eyes found their focus through my tears , and the parts I saw weren 't exactly female . In the same instant , the girl whirled around , spraying pee on my good suede shoes . I looked up and stared right into the face of Janice Hubbel . She finished and zipped herself back into her pants . Or his pants . I wasn 't even sure at that point . She turned toward me , lunging and pressing me against the sink . My head slammed into the mirror , and for a second , I actually saw stars . My head was spinning . My ears rang . Nothing was making sense that day . " I promise , " I whispered . My voice squeaked instead as her hands squeezed around my throat . " And as I said , I won 't tell anyone . " I pulled at her fingers , trying to pry them loose . She held me against the sink a little while longer , as if she were trying to decide whether I should live , when a voice interrupted us . I stood at the sink , trying to regain my composure as Robocop stared at me . " Didn 't you hear me ? Get to class , or you can go to the Principal 's office . Your choice . " Didn 't he see what just happened ? Didn 't he notice her hands on my throat ? I grabbed my books and ran past him , wondering if there was another bathroom nearby . I 'd about given up on my math test by then . The only bathroom I could think of was near my classroom , and there was no way I could sneak by . Mrs . Miller had the eyes of a hawk , and she 'd definitely see me . So , although I was all shaken up and on the verge of more tears , I finally decided to go to class . I went to my seat at the back with my face red as a few eyes stared after me . I couldn 't concentrate at all , so although I knew mostly everything on the test , I just doodled in the margins . I was always really good at math , but the weird events of the day prevented my mind from conjuring up the right answers . Instead , my thoughts drifted between the startling revelation of Janice Hubbel 's true gender , the fact that my only friend hated my guts , and that somehow even though I was known as " Thunder Thighs " , there was actually a boy in this school that thought I was pretty . Like I said , it was kinda hard to concentrate with all that on your mind . At lunch , I didn 't look for Allison at our usual meeting spot . I knew it would be pointless . I didn 't even go into the lunchroom at all . I had no appetite , for once . Instead , I made my way out to the courtyard where many students were gathered , laughing and throwing Frisbees on the grass . I found a quiet corner away from everyone . Sitting on a bench , I stared at an ant as it tried to carry a bit of food across a puddle of water . The poor ant struggled desperately as it sank . I 'd started off the day on top of the world , but now I was like the ant , sinking lower and lower as I relived the morning 's events . A strong gust of wind swept by then , and my math book beside me flipped open . The envelope I 'd shoved in there , which I 'd totally forgotten about , drifted away . I heaved myself up and went after it . I was a little too late . By the time I got to it , the note was under Penelope 's shoe . The most popular girl in school snatched it up before I could bend down to get it . She held it out of my reach as she and her gang laughed . " Come on , Thunder Thighs , I know you can do it ! Just reach higher ! " " Let me see now , " Penelope said as she opened the note . She looked to her group for approval , and they nodded enthusiastically , encouraging her to continue . She began reading aloud : I don 't know how to say this . I think your real cool and all . I know we 've been messing around lately and stuff . But , I think I 'm into someone else . I don 't want any weirdness , and I hope we can still be friends . I just think you should know . I couldn 't believe what I 'd heard . My tears threatened to return . My face flushed with embarrassment , hurt and a torrent of other emotions I wasn 't ready for . I remained silent . Tracy tapped her on the shoulder and whispered something in her ear . Her eyes lit up . " Yes , you 're so right ! " she said to her friend . " It 's gotta ' be Pete Mackey ! He 's that loser Allison 's brother . It 's totally gotta ' be him ! " Pete was there , leaning over someone , his hand bracing against the wall as he bent down to whisper something . The person giggled , and I knew it was definitely a girl . No boy would lean over another boy like that . As I got closer , I tried to see around him . He turned then , his face flushing when he realized it was me , and he revealed the identity of the girl . I checked under the farthest stall , finding it empty . I was all set to cry my eyes out , but the final surprise of the day caused me to almost fall into the toilet . I laughed like I 'd never laughed before , until my sides hurt and I could barely breathe . It was perhaps the best revenge of all , more than I could ever imagine . Nothing better than getting dumped for another girl who wasn 't even really a girl at all ! What a surprise for Pete if he ever got to third base with her ! That evening , I joined my mother for her nightly walk . As I told her about everything that had happened , she made me realize that even though I was known as Thunder Thighs , I was still lucky to be me . I was special , whether Pete thought so or not . Colin tried to be a happy guy , why wouldn 't he be ? He just graduated at the local community college and now was headed to his dream school , Florida State University . He breathed football since he was a child , and had numerous trophies to prove his skills . In his senior year , he broke his leg during the homecoming game ( which happened to be one of the three games the recruiter was watching ) . But after being rushed to the hospital and having numerous X - Rays and tests , the doctor came back with a smile . " What a lucky boy ! " He said , his large white teeth glowing in the bright lights of the ER . " It was a clean fracture , and it 's going to heal just fine . " ' Lucky ' , Colin hated that word . He went back to school the next week ; he rolled in as a hero . All he heard throughout the day was : Why was he always lucky ? Colin couldn 't understand , he just wanted to be a normal person . He didn 't want all this fake dramatic attention over the devastating loss of his football scholarship . But his dad said he was ' lucky ' because FSU said they would take him as a junior , as a defensive tackle , if his leg healed correctly . And after two years , he was still lucky . He always happened to study for his classes the night before a pop quiz . And always got front row parking , he figured it to be good timing . Not to mention he got more tail than a lab in a dog beach . But he was living in this looking glass version of his happiness , and when he was alone , he hated himself . He hated his friends and the stupid things that they would do for entertainment . The queue of beautiful women he went through never caught his attention because non of them had anything useful but two large " conversation starters " and a place to get his rocks off . He never felt bad for using them because non of them really had the intellect to understand anything else outside the backseat . And although he was getting to fulfill his dreams of being on the FSU football team , his major was total crap . Was he really supposed to go into accounting , just like his father ? And throw his life away managing millionaires bank accounts and trying to figure out how to cover their frivolous drug behaviors under ' entertainment ' and f * * * ing his secretary while mindlessly punching a calculator ? And he wasn 't happy at the moment . Wearing tuxedoes and going to important meetings and charity events with his father didn 't feel right . He felt like he was acting . So Colin acted his way through two more years of it . Lucky , but he was unhappy . More women , touchdowns , fundraisers , frat parties and finals , it was all on fast forward . And it seemed like he glided through it all , seamlessly without a pause . Nothing seemed to stick in his mind and he couldn 't even remember the name of the chick he was texting ( her identity known as : Girl from McDonalds ) . And then all of a sudden the movie slowed back down to regular speed , and there he was , standing on the grand auditorium , next in line to receive his diploma . Dressed in the school colors , he followed the line dumbfounded and tried to at least spit out a ' thank you ' when he shook the Dean and the President of the College 's hands . He looked out in the crowd and his mother waved at him frantically , snapping pictures . His current girlfriend , a grade below him , sat next to his mother her beautiful cleavage making her torso heart shaped . His father shot himself a few months ago . After divorcing Colin 's mother and yet again divorcing the woman he cheated on with Colin 's mother with , his father was almost broke . As a graduation gift his mother gave Colin his fathers dark green Corvette she won in the settlement , with the license plate that read : LUCKY7 . Colin 's supposed lucky number was two , and he just felt totally disgusted with his mother . He hated her for taking this car away from his dad in the first place , and then he dies and she doesn 't want that ' ghost ' haunting her . So she passed that burden of memory onto her son . He thought of going ballistic in front of the student body and just punching his mother in the face , but he hugged her instead and took the keys . The car still smelled of the cigars his father smoked . He didn 't feel his dad 's presence as being in heaven or hell , he just made it out of this rat - race . He followed the convoy to a large house party most of his friends were going to . It was an understatement to say that Colin was drinking too much . People cheered him and thought he was celebrating his graduation and the fact that he was to now take over his father 's business and make a lot of money . But in reality Colin was celebrating something else . His girlfriend sat on the kitchen counter with her legs wrapped around him , the frantic music , voices , screaming of a large party in their ears . Colin thought of just one more thing to do before he left . He grabbed her and threw her over his shoulders like a caveman and carried her upstairs , where they found an unlocked bedroom door . The hunter minx of a car purred under him as he revved the engine to a growl . Tires squealing , Colin took off down the road . It was weird for him to plan his own death , he wished that it would have just happened now , but he had a tolerance for drunk driving . He didn 't want to hurt anyone or cause a lot of damage , but he just didn 't want to live anymore . He wanted to be happy with his father . " Let 's just see how lucky I am . " Colin mumbled as he turned up the radio and slammed his foot on the touchy gas pedal . The sports car zipped back and forth maybe because Colin closed his eyes . He got his wish as he collided with the guard rail on the side of the road , his car went out of control and he began to over - correct the steering in a moment of desperate attempt to survive . But he actualized his fate and took a deep breath . A strong jerk of the steering wheel to the right sent him colliding , again , with the metal guard rail . Screeching and grinding , the car flipped over the metal edge and top over end rolled down the decline and into the river . Colin was already knocked out by the time the car started to fill up with water . Pain and a body sense of emptiness caused his eyes to jump open , as his brain started to play exactly where it had left off . But he was not in his dad 's ' Vett anymore . He was very cold . All white blinded him as he began to feel around at the wires and tubes attached to him , the loud monotonous beeping began to increase in pitch and rate . A woman ran into the private hospital room of Colin Others , an RN , who paged the doctor . Colin realized he was alive , and began to cry as the nurse mentioned over the radio to call Colin 's mother . " Son , you 've been here for three months , you were in a car accident . Do you know what your name is ? " She said , trying to grab hold of his hands and calm him down . They told her she was the lucky one . At least her mother wanted her . In the world where things that looked up , were actually looking down , and illusions smeared before her eyes and made it harder and harder to figure out the right way to walk so she didn 't hit walls … in that world , she was still considered lucky . The people around her , they told her she was so very lucky indeed . Her father had screamed at her , he had cursed at her , then hugged her and kissed her cheek , pretending that everything was so very fine , and told her that he loved her . But those times never lasted long , because when things started to roll slowly from average to bad , then stepping dangerously over the line to horrible , it all started again . The yelling , the throwing things , the accusations of " I 'm not crazy ! " and " You need to see the therapist . " Her mother was troubled . And pretending like everything was fine but didn 't know how to deal with it all . Mother - love was worried about what her baby girl could do to herself left on her own devices . And to make sure that never happened , the set up boundaries and lines that made it harder and harder for her to live . And her baby girl finally caved inward , not that Mother - love would ever notice , because her baby girl was good at probably one thing and one thing only : hiding it . Her brother had managed to make it through . He had his " support system " , he had someone to call when he was crying and felt like beating things and slicing his wrists to shreds . But he made it through , and if he could do it , even with the blows he received , couldn 't she ? She used to have it all . The perfect family , the best friend who soon turned into the best boyfriend she had ever heard of . He was sensitive , and most of all , he understood what she was going through . And talking her through it was what he wanted to do , because he knew he was the only , tiniest spark of light in her life just then . And she always thought he strived on it . But her ups and downs were like that of an addict . And , like an addict , the bad days started outweighing the good . And suddenly when he said he loved her , all she saw were lies and knew that even if it hurt him , saying " I love you " back would be such a lie . And she couldn 't lie to the man she loved . That 's when he decided that he couldn 't take it anymore . And he left her , expecting it not to affect her at all . But it did . Oh hell it did . She used to have religion but suddenly in the sprawling black print of the bible , she started to see the white of the page behind it . And instead of finding comfort , she started to see a million flaws . She started to see a million loop hoops and cracks in the carefully laid pavement and she knew it was only a matter of time until she fell through . But like I said , she was good at one thing and possibly , maybe , one thing only . She was good at hiding . And because of that , the whole world told her she was lucky . James Laurel walked through the crowded bar of the Kingsford Hotel . He had never been a good looking man with his round body , short thick fingers , and thinning auburn hair , but he dressed in better clothing than anyone in the bar , despite it being the most expensive hotel in the city . He had gone there every Friday for the last three years , and spent those evenings flirting with the women staying at the hotel . While most of the hotel staff believed he came each week looking for singles , he had , truthfully , come to find hundreds . The hundreds he wanted were not women , but rather dollars , because James spent each Friday using his stubby fingers to pick pockets . He was about to approach someone , when he saw the man next to him open his wallet to pay for a drink . In the wallet was a reckless amount to keep at once . By his fair judge , it was almost three thousand dollars . The man began to pocket the wallet when a photo slipped out . He seemed not to notice and turned to go sit in a nearby booth . James reached down for the photo , and made his way to the owner of that wallet . " You dropped this . " James held out the worn photo . " Did I ? I 'm sorry you had to find it for me . " The man replaced the photo into wallet . James took a step closer to the booth , " If you don 't mind me prying , you don 't seem dressed for this kind of place . " He wasn 't . He was an older man wearing a short - sleeved white shirt and stiff grey slacks . " Most women here won 't even look at you unless wear a suit . " " I came here for a drink . My wife is pretty agitated , so I suppose came down here to avoid her too . We haven 't had time to talk to anyone so if you wanna hear me out , I 'd really appreciate you doing me another favor . " " I didn 't win the lottery first . I got laid off first . I worked there for years , but they still had to get rid of me a week ago . I had a bit of time before my bus would come to take me home so I went into a convenience store to buy milk . I don 't gamble and I 've never bought a scratch card in my life , but when I got to the checkout line I saw the bright green tickets and I just assumed my luck couldn 't get worse so I grabbed four . I scratched all of them at once in front of the clerk , and , well , the first was ten dollars , the next had five thousand dollars . The clerk actually clapped for me . I couldn 't have been happier . " Ben reached for his beer to take a drink . " So you lost your job and came here ? This place costs more than five thousand a night . Why waste your money ? " James was actually getting angry and it was showing . He was a robber , but he didn 't want to leave the man with a bill he couldn 't pay . He had come to the Kingsford hotel to steal from businessmen and trust fund kids . " Would you let me finish ? I bought four tickets . The next one was the jackpot , a hundred thousand dollars . The clerk actually gave me a bottle of champagne from behind the counter . He called me the luckiest man he 'd ever seen , but I stood there like an idiot expecting a camera to come out like that show from all those years ago . The business in the store made me miss my bus , so I had to walk . I came in so late my wife said she called the hospital to see if I had died . I told her about the tickets first so she didn 't mind the unemployment part . " Ben leaned forward and produced his wallet like he was doing a magic trick . One second it was there for James to see , the next it had gone back into his pocket and all that remained was the photo that had started the conversation . " This is my daughter . Carrie . " The faded and bent picture showed a smiling teenage girl . " She was fifteen when this was made . I haven 't seen her in twenty years . We got into a fight and she ran out when she was seventeen . My wife always said we should hire a detective , but we could never afford it . Few days ago a detective we met with after I won said he found three people in this city who look like the picture and call themselves Carrie . That 's why we came to the Kingsford , to impress the her if one of them is her . She deserves that at least after how we fought the last time . " He took out his wallet again and put the photo back . Before the wallet disappeared , Ben took a folded piece of paper out of his wallet and handed it to James . " Thanks for listening , been a really hectic few days so I haven 't been able to talk to anyone . " James unfolded the paper , and recognized it as a lottery ticket . " I can 't take this . I really don 't need it . I promise . " He tried to hand it back , but Ben refused . " You earned it listening to me , and besides , the last thing I need is more money . You keep it . Its more than enough payment for finding my photo . " He leaned to get out of the bench and stood up . James got to his feet and shook Ben 's hand . " Good luck with your daughter . " He patted Ben on the back and made his move to reach the wallet . " Congratulations too . I can 't think of anyone who would have needed it more . " James Laurel sat back down at the bench and steepled his short fingers to keep them from fixing his mistake for him . Ben walked out of the bar with almost three thousand dollars and a folded lottery ticket in his wallet .

" What on earth ? " Justice blinked rubbing away the grime off his face and looked again . He growled . " Don 't they know this is private property ? I can 't let them get away with this . " His tractor may not have any speed , but it was in position to intersect the fields and come out between the two vehicles which were tearing down the dirt road in billowing clouds of dust . He grabbed his rifle . Though he normally didn 't carry it , he 'd planned on shooting rabbits today . The farmer jumped down just as the first car coasted to a stop . The driver threw open the door and dove into the cornfield before he got a good look . He could hear someone thrashing their way through his crop . The other car braked hard , sliding and almost hitting his tractor . " Hold it right there ! " Justice boomed . " Get out and show yourselves with your hands up . " Three guys finally got out after arguing and reluctantly did as they were told after pushing and shoving each other . " Ahh , shucks , Shields , we were just having a little fun . No harm done . " Justice looked closer and did recognize two of them , brothers , both of them troublemaker and losers from his high school days . But they kept looking into the corn field over their shoulders . " We was just playing around . Don 't know her name though , " the third young man said trying to peer through the rows of corn which had grown to about six feet tall . Justice remembered his face from a drug possession charge recently . The local paper liked to post pictures of those arrested in the community . " Tell you what , if you just back your car down a bit , the road will be wide enough to turn around at a gate . Don 't let me catch you on my property again or I will press charges next time for sure . " They scrambled like the three stooges to jump back in their old Lincoln and skedaddle . Justice needed to find out who the other party was though . A girl ? He waited . He was a patient man . Finally he heard rustling in the stalks . He was shocked . A young woman appeared covered in dirt like she 'd fallen down , but obviously wasn 't the kind of rabble he expected to have gallivanting with those low - lifers . " Hello , " she said tentatively crossing her arms over herself protectively . She pointed to his rifle still cradled in his arm . " Am I in trouble ? " " I was trying to get away from them . She nodded her head towards the cloud of dust tearing away down the road . They 've been shadowing me since I left the gas station . But then they began pulling up , passing me only to slow way down . However if I tried to pass , they 'd speed up again . So I thought maybe I could try to lose them if I drove up this dirt road , but they followed me . I didn 't consider the fact that maybe I was trespassing . Sorry . " She looked frazzeled , in a fragile way standing there in a sundress and sandals , with dust and dirt all over her dress , face and legs . " Sounds reasonable , " he finally said . It was like his brain couldn 't go faster than his tractor in the Indy 500 . If you want , you can follow me , and I 'll take you to the fruit stand where my mother is working . It 's on another lane you would have come to if you followed the fruit stand signs . " It was the best he could do , hand her over to his mother and let her deal with it . He got back on his tractor and chugged up the road turning just before coming to their house . He shut off his tractor at the fruit stand . Eloise Sanchez was helping his mother today . Both were busy giving out samples of peaches . When the customers left , he waved over the girl who stood waiting by her car . " Hey mom . " His mother came over and gave him a squeeze . " This young woman was being harassed and chased down the road by those Proctor boys and another one of their druggy friends . I found her hiding in the cornfield trying to get away from them . Thought maybe you could help her . " " Oh , sugar , I am so sorry ! You must have been petrified . Why don 't I take you up to the house to get you cleaned up . . . " " Oh , brother . " he muttered under his breath . " I should have known that 's what she 'd do , " he grumbled as he turned his tractor around . It was then he noticed her car was packed to the gills with stuff , like she was moving or something . He glanced back , tipping his hat when she looked up at him . Even with her face dirt streaked , her smile was a stunner . He almost drove into a pile of fruit boxes before he could tear his eyes away . He heard his mother 's high peal of laughter over the chug of his engine . Even if she was laughing at him , it was okay because it had been a long time since he 'd heard her laugh , too long . His dad had been gone nearly a year now , and she grieved hard . They all did . She seemed better now that she was back outside working the fruit stand . She was good with people . She needed that interaction after a winter of withdrawing into her sorrow . The mantle fell on him now to keep the ranch afloat . They decided to let his brother Joel take over the fruit , honey and nut side of their operation while his brother Jake was in charge of running cattle . He leased the land adjacent to them from his girlfriend 's grandpa which gave him access to vast acreage . The old cowboy had recently quit running his own herd due to his health . Justice was primarily responsible for the grain crops and hay as well as the garden vegetables for the stand . They would never have been able to stay viable without diversifying . Then if one had a bad year , the other endeavors were there to lean on . Eloise and her husband and straping sons were true gems . They couldn 't find better and more loyal workers . Without their willingness to do the backbreaking work , they couldn 't have made it . Justice had plans to improve their housing this winter . He wished he could afford to do a total remodel or move in a new mobile home for them , but it wasn 't in the budget . So , he would replace the roof before it rained and redo the single bathroom when they went to visit family in Mexico . They didn 't talk about it much , but they also went there to seek more affordable treatment for Eloise 's cancer . Justice knew she shouldn 't be working the fruit stand , but the woman did not want to leave his mother to do it by herself . He needed to find someone to hire for the seasonal position . He 'd place an ad tonight in fact . The good and the bad thing about farming was that he had lots of time alone to think . He thought about how difficult it was for his brother Joel to buckle down to his responsibilities . At least he was trying . Justice helped him out when he could . Joel put his time in on the ranch during the day , but took off most nights to hang out with his friends . He thought his brother had probably dated pert ' near every female close to his age in two county . He even had some cougars after him with his dark good looks inheriting the best of both his mother and his father . Justice just hoped he 'd be careful and remember the way his Christian parents had raised him . Then there was Jake , the youngest . Justice was real proud of him . It was beginning to look like he would be the first to marry . He and Windy had been together since they were freshmen in high school , inseparable . Windy 's grandpa was a good mentor and taught his brother how to be a cattleman . However , that meant that they saw Jake less and less as he practically lived at Windy 's folks and her grandpa 's when he wasn 't out working the cattle . They didn 't seem to mind feeding him like a lost puppy . Especially since Dad died , Jake made himself scarce . He only came home to sleep most of the time . Now as for himself , he 'd been lucky in love , lucky that Judith broke off their engagement two weeks before the wedding . Justice just wished his dad hadn 't taken it so hard . Both of their families had thought they were a perfect pair having grown up together and gone to church together their whole lives . But honestly , Justice had his doubts and was almost more glad than heartbroken when she did the right thing to break up . He 'd been too chicken to disappoint his parents , even her parents since they were such close family friends over the years . Now Judith was happily married with a baby on the way . That left him home with his mother most nights . They both seldom went out . He did the farm 's books always trying to make things stretch and balance while she read . These were his musings when he puttered up on his tractor for lunch . " Hey , mom . " He gave his usual greeting , but he was surprised to find that blonde thing sitting at the table next to Joel . His brother was so busy entertaining her , that evidently no one heard him come in . Even his mother seemed more perky than usual , smiling and laughing . When he pulled out his chair and plunked down in his seat , they finally saw him . " I 'm so glad you 're here , Justice , " his mother said . " After you say the blessing , I 'll tell you the good news . " He wanted to tell his grinning like a fool brother to say the blessing if he was so happy , but Justice just bowed his head and thanked the Lord . He was grateful for his food , but wasn 't sure he would be so thankful for what they were about to spring on him . They both looked too eager . " Guess what ! Jena here has agreed to finish the season out working in the fruit stand with me . That way Eloise can just work in her garden when she feels good and rest when she doesn 't . " He looked around the table at the expectant faces . What could he say ? They needed help . " Just bring me your social security number so I can fill out employment forms for you . We can 't pay over minimum wage I 'm afraid . " Justice knew he 'd have trouble even hiring high school students at that rate , but that 's all they could afford . " " That 's fine . " The blonde looked even better with the dirt washed off her face . Evidently his brother thought so too . But as he really looked at her for the first time , something was nagging at the back of his brain , but he couldn 't quite make it our yet . After that , he tried to avoid looking at the young woman . " Well , we thought since we couldn 't afford to pay more , and since she doesn 't have a place to stay right now , we could supplement it by offering her food and housing too . " His mother had that worried smile . Whenever she bit her lip like that he knew he was going to be surprised . " She could stay in your room . You and Joel could share . Joel is willing . After all , it 's just during the busiest season then Jena will be off again to college . " " My room ? " He croaked . He shook his head and tried again . " My room ? " He couldn 't get it through his thick skull . They didn 't know this person from Adam , and they just offered her a job and invited her to live with them and take over his room , the one he had lived in for nearly twenty - three years ! What were they thinking ? " Ahh , come on Justice , " Joel whined . " You know we need the help and Jena needs a summer job . It 's just for a couple of months . You can stand it to share a room with me for that long if I promise not to put frogs and snakes under your pillow . " Joel was pushing hard . He shuddered thinking of his brother 's childhood pranks . It was the slugs under the sheets that got to him the most . Well , if they wanted to talk this out in the girl 's presence , then so be it . " It 's just that we don 't know anything about Jena . She could be a thief for all we know , no offense to you , miss . " His brother was rising out of his seat with anger written all over his face . " Don 't be accusing Jena of anything , Justice . I 'm warning you . " " Okay then , welcome aboard Jena . " He kept busy eating his second hot dog with his eyes averted refusing to look at their new house guest . He downed his first glass of lemonade and then drank some more . He started to wipe his mouth on his sleeve then remembered his company manners . " I 'll move my things out of my room now , and Joel can help you move your things in after we close down the fruit stand for the day . " " Thank you , Justice . " His mother knew she had overruled him and patted his hand . He grabbed a couple of oatmeal cookies off a plate and left saying , " Leave the glass . I 'll drink some more before I go back out there . It 's hot today . " He swung his long leg over the low back of the chair and walked away from their banter . Standing in the door of his room , he didn 't know how to even begin to clean it out . It wasn 't messy really , it was just that over the years he 'd somehow gathered an accumulation of stuff . He 'd never before noticed how much it was . He 'd need to bring empty fruit boxes up to haul it out . This was going to be more than the fifteen minute operation he 'd imagined . He yelled , " Hey Joel , bring me some fruit boxes if you expect me to clear out of my room . " Justice just began making piles on his bed . He also grabbed a garbage sack . This might take the rest of his afternoon , and time was money . Oh well , why fight it . He ruthlessly started to throw things away , things like his collection of pictures with Judith that he 'd kept in a box in his closet , a box of his high school reports and newspaper clippings of when his name was in the paper for his sports and rodeo events . . . " I 'll put them in a scrapbook . Your kids will want to see them someday , " she sniffed . " She dug through the garbage sack . " And these pictures with Judith ? Some of these are our family times together . I want to save those too . " Joel stuck his head in . " This room is like a time capsule from your high school years , bro . It 's untouched memorabilia from that decade everyone wants to forget , pictures of your old girlfriends - - wait a minute - - oh yeah , you didn 't date ! " " Shut it , Joel . This was your idea , so let me work in peace , " he warned . " Just bring me those boxes . " " It 's alright . It needed to be cleaned out anyway . " He went back to yanking things down . He looked at his deer head mount . He might just have to leave that there to remind her it wasn 't really her room . She was only temporary . He didn 't look back at her as she left . Then it hit him . She really was going to see him later . Every . Single . Day . She would be here all the time for the next couple of months . He rested his head against his wall . What was his mother thinking ? He kicked piles of dirty clothes around to make a path through Joel 's room so he could squeeze his hanging clothes into the closet . After finding his brother 's dresser drawers full and overflowing , Justice decided he 'd just have to keep his other clothes in his suitcase and gym bag . He heaved a sigh . He wasn 't looking forward to sleeping in a room smelling of his brother 's stinking socks . He didn 't like the hours his brother kept either , coming in late and sleeping in a couple of hours after he got up . Justice was in bed by nine almost every night . He 'd rather bunk with Jake , but being the baby of the family , his little brother got the smallest room . He couldn 't squeeze in there if he tried . Two hours later , he 'd finally hauled all his boxes to the attic and vacuumed it out . The room was now bare of all decoration . Except the mounted deer head . Maybe his mother would want to choose paint and have him do it while it was so empty . He hoped she had a better bedspread than this old one with football helmets on it . His final action was to take his favorite pillow . In exchange , he grabbed his brother 's off his bed and tossed it in the room for Jena . He was done . Since the vacuum was already out , he decided to use it for the whole house . Then Justice was too tired to go back and do the field work . What was it about housework that made him more tired than if he 'd just plowed the back forty . Instead , he looked on the fridge door where a magnet held a list of what was going to be for supper each day . Tacos tonight . He began frying up the hamburger and chopping the tomatoes and lettuce and onions . The cheese was pre - grated in a bag . He wouldn 't touch the tortillas until he knew if Jeff , or even Jena would be staying to eat with them or hitting town . He didn 't often cook for his mother , but it always pleased her when she didn 't have to come in from the fruit stand to fix their meals . He put a pile of paper plates on the table . Then he put the meat on low and decided to be the first one for once to grab the shower . Their old house still had only one bathroom . His dad had always planned to add on another , but never got around to it . Keeping the place going was sunrise to sunset . Justice was just coming out rubbing his hair dry when the others came in the house . " Hmm ! Don 't tell me you got dinner started , Justice ! " His mother gave him a kiss on the cheek . " That smells wonderful , and I 'm so hungry ! Are you staying for dinner tonight Joel or going to town ? " " Okay , dear , for four of us then . Looks like Justice already got out the paper plates . You 'll find the salsa and sour cream in the fridge too . " Justice figured his brother probably had great ideas about entertaining their new house guest in town , but Jena seemed bent on ignoring him . He couldn 't help but smile a bit . Joel wasn 't used to having females ignore him . He began frying up the tortillas turning his back on the newcomer . He didn 't need the distraction . His mother was actually singing under her breath . His shoulders that were tight began to relax . His mother was happy . It had been a long while since she sang in the kitchen . Joel plied Jena with questions , but she was rather evasive . Justice grinned at the frustration written all over his brother 's face . " I just finished my second year at college and was headed home to look for a summer job . But since you needed help , it seemed like a perfect opportunity . " " She manages a dental office . My late stepdad was a dentist . He 's the one who set aside money for my education . " At least the first two years had been paid for . She didn 't know what she 'd do now . She doubted her mother would help her . " You 're right of course . Pass me the salsa , please Joel . " His mother took the hint . But she liked it hot , the food and the conversation . " I 'll bet ! Joel grinned . " I heard they are squatters on old Lester 's place . I bet they 're tearing it up . " Suddenly every person at the table turned grim . Lester had once been a long time trusted ranch hand until he stole so many head of cattle over the years that it added up to over $ 15 , 000 in loss . Cattle rustling didn 't disappear in the wild west ; it still happened . They had all been shocked though that he was the one who did it . At least they didn 't hang horse thieves anymore . But he died before he served his full sentence in prison . Their dad had been faithful to visit him and witness to him . Lester had finally turned his heart over to God . " That ol ' coot wasn 't just a thief but he 'd bet on anything that moved , every cock fight , dog fight , not to mention card games . I never heard of a gambler with such bad luck . I think he 'd bet on whether the sun would come up the next day and still lose , " Joel tried to make light of what was still a tender subject . " Well , I hope the sheriff evicts those Procter boys before they start growing marijuana , cooking meth or something there on his place . I wonder who owns it now ? " Justice said to no one in particular . " Goodness , Jena , you are as white as a sheet . You had quite a day what with being chased , then learning the fruit stand business . I bet you are just plain tuckered out , sweetie , " his mother clucked . " I think I 'll get my things out of my car now . Thank you for supper . It was delicious , " she replied on her way to toss her paper plate in the trash . It made Justice grin inside thinking of his brother 's dilemma to eat or help a pretty girl . He noticed though that Jena had only eaten one taco . He was on his sixth . As soon as he was done , he 'd go to his office . He wondered when he had starting thinking of his dad 's study as his . Joel was watching sports , his mom was reading and the young woman must have holed up in his bedroom , ' cause she wasn 't about . Then he heard the shower . Great . Now they had another one to share the hot water with . " I 'm turning in for the night , " he said until he realized he 'd have to wait to use the rest room . He sighed . " I mean in awhile . " She came out with a towel around her hair wearing a bathrobe , the kind of silky one that goes with satin pajamas , not that he knew about those kind of things or anything . He heard the lock click on his room 's door . Once years ago to save sanity , their father had installed locks on each of the boys ' rooms to keep them from evading each other 's private space . At least she would feel safe in a house with three young men , as if she wasn 't . But she didn 't know that . The bathroom was filled with the smell of her shampoo . Must be coconut , he figured . Jake had picked that time to show up . He 'd been coming in late and leaving early , so he did not know about their newest houseguest . He yelped , " Who was that ? " His mother smiled and responded like it was some everyday occurrence to have a young lady coming out of the bathroom in her bathrobe . " That 's Jena . She 's helping me with the fruit stand , and we invited her to stay here with us . " " In Justice 's room ? " Jake was incredulous . At least he wasn 't the only one to think it absurd . " Well , it 's hard to find someone willing to work for minimum wage , so we thought it would be best if we offered room and board as well , you know , to sweeten the deal . " Justice cut in . If there was trouble , he didn 't want his mom to hear it first so he changed the subject . I boxed up most my stuff and put it up in the attic and just moved my clothes into Joel 's room for now . By the way , I was trying to figure out how much hay we 'd need this winter and thought maybe you could give me a estimate . " He knew that would keep his brother going down a different rabbit trail . But he didn 't have a chance later to ask Jake who he thought she was . Their mom was close by all evening so he finally gave up and went to bed . But he couldn 't sleep . He wrestled with his memory to come up with why he felt he knew this girl . She didn 't go to high school with him , he was pretty sure . She was too young . Maybe he had a class with her at the junior college but didn 't think so . He 'd have remembered her . Suddenly he sat up . He knew who she was . Justice wiped his hand over the stubble on his chin feeling his face flush . But why was she using a different name ? And why on earth did she show up at their ranch of all places . Why were the Procter brothers chasing her ? He growled . She was the last person he should have hired . Now he 'd have to decide whether to fire her outright in the morning or just keep a close watch on her . It might trouble his mother if she knew the truth , so he decided he 'd keep quiet for now . He wouldn 't let on that he recognized her just yet . Then more thoughts kept his mind occupied . The next morning Justice announced at breakfast , " I 'm going to town this morning , Mom , so make me a list of the things you need . They tried to keep the house rolling like a well - oiled machine dividing up jobs like giving each person a day to do their own laundry . It was his day , so he started a load then , grabbed his mom 's list , and headed out . Since the courthouse wasn 't open yet with the county offices , Justice decided to grab a cup of coffee . Maybe he 'd hear a little gossip about those Procter boys or about old Lester 's place . He went to where the old timers hung out . He was greeted all around and answered their friendly inquiries about his families ' welfare . There was better coffee and atmosphere in a lot of the other places , but this is where the salt of the earth gathered , men so down to earth that the dirt never came all the way clean under their fingernails from years of scratching out an honest living on the land . By the time he left town , he had everything on his mother 's list and then some . It had been a very productive morning that kept him beaming . The sheriff would soon be evicting those squatters right off old Lester 's property because it was now his . The timing was perfect . He was able to get it for a song for back taxes . The new owners with a last name he didn 't recognize , who somehow came into possession after Lester died , had never paid a dime . The place came with ten acres , not a lot like they needed for their ranch , but it was nothing to sneeze at either , even if the house wasn 't much . He wouldn 't say anything until he made sure those low - life 's were run off , then he 'd drive his mother out to see it to surprise her . Maybe God was allowing the years that the locust had eaten to be restored . He hopped on his tractor and sang all morning at the top of his lungs . That was another good thing about farming , nobody was there to hear him as he belted out the tune , " O What A Beautiful Morning , " from the old musical " Oklahoma , his mother 's favorite . " Then he went on to sing the lyrics " Well , the farmer and the cowboy should be friends , " another song from the same musical . She 'd played the soundtrack often enough until it was engrained in his memory . At lunch , she had bacon , lettuce and tomato sandwiches ready . The day just kept on getting better . " Why are you so happy today , Justice ? Did you win the lottery or something ? Either that or you must have slept extra good last night in my room last night , " Joel poked at him . " Not hardly with your snoring , " he tried to grumble , but couldn 't get it rumbling . " It 's just a beautiful day . " He took a good look at the girl now that he 'd figured out who she was . She met his eyes and they locked , her wide brown ones growing bigger and his gaze growing more narrow . She broke away first . Yeah , she knew he knew alright . Still , he couldn 't keep the heat from his face . Remembering her had its good parts along with the bad . Justice excused himself as he went to switch his clothes to the dryer and put in another one to wash , his white ones , glad now that his mother had remembered to put bleach on the list . At least the bleach overpowered that coconut tropical smell of her hair . Then he headed back to the fields . The hay would be ready to harvest soon . He tended the large vegetable patch they grew to sell at the fruit stand and filled bushel baskets with produce . The pumpkins were coming along nicely too . His heirloom tomatoes however were his pride and joy out of all he did . Justice chuckled , his life really was down to earth . But there was something intensely gratifying to gather the fruits of his labor . If only the rabbits weren 't such pests . He didn 't feel obligated to feed their large families , that 's for sure . He loaded the bushel baskets into the back of his pickup and drove them over to the fruit stand . After he lugged them over to where his mother could sort them to sell , he took a peach and rubbed the fuzz off before taking a juicy bite . It made his eyes want to roll back in his head , it was so good . When it was cherry season , he thought cherries were his favorite fruit , but when this season rolled around , Justice thought there was nothing better than a tree ripened peach . " Son , we can 't keep enough of your heirloom tomatoes in the bins . You better plan to plant even more next year , " his mother said . " By the way , Joel agreed to take me to my eye appointment in town . We will probably grab a bite to eat there , if you don 't mind fixing something on your own . " It 's my day to do laundry . We each have a day . You had no business touching my clothes , " he barked . Even he didn 't know what he was so worked up about it . Now she looked hurt . Good grief why didn 't he keep his mouth shut . He turned around , but felt something hit him in the back of his head . He smirked . " So this is war ? " He grabbed a handful of his clothes and knotted them to turn them into soft missiles . Pretty soon she was shrieking and hiding behind furniture lobbing the clothes back and forth at him while he was laughing his fool head off . He decided to win the battle , and so he crept closer and closer until he grabbed her disarming her by ripping another pair of socks out of her hands . Then he didn 't know what to do with her in his arms . Of course , that was the moment his mother walked in the house with Joel at her heels . " What on earth ! " She looked at the living room littered with his white tee shirts , socks and underwear and back at the two of them . She covered her mouth as she tried to hold back her mirth . Joel , not so much . He glowered . Even though Justice had been quick to let her go , Joel had seen her in his arms . " So that 's how it is , huh . I turn my back for one afternoon , and you steal her away from me ? " He bumped Justice 's shoulder hard muttering so only his brother could hear . Jena just kept her back to him working sorting peaches from the crates Joel had brought in . Her shoulders were a little stiff as if she was nervous . He bet she was . Tonight he 'd have to have a talk with her about her real name . He couldn 't issue her a paycheck without it . He wasn 't looking forward to the conversation , but maybe she 'd just quit . That would probably be for the best . They all knew that was code for God , the all - seeing , all - knowing One . Somehow or other , the fear of God had been instilled in each of her sons . He was grateful for Christian parents who had raised them right . Growing up together , the three boys had their wrestling matches with sometimes a punch thrown here or there , but overall they 'd been a happy family . Boy , he sure missed his dad . He wished he was here now . He could tell him how to untangle this mess . For some reason though , it really bothered him that Joel was trying to take Jena with him . " How old are you , Jena ? Will they even let you in the bar ? " Justice couldn 't help but ask . " It 's in a bar ? I thought it was some barn dance or something . I don 't want to go if it 's in a bar . I can 't any way since I 'm not twenty - one . " " Thanks a lot , bro . You know how to kill my fun for the night , " Joel muttered under his breath . Yep , Joel was steaming mad at him , but Justice felt relieved . The girl deserved better than that crowd Joel wanted to drag her through . He knew some of those guys , and he wouldn 't trust a sister with them , if he had a sister that is . Joel groaned . " If that 's what you 're watching , Mom , then I 'm outta here . " The door slammed and they could hear him peal out down the drive . " Now . " He felt it in his spirit as if God had breathed it in his ear . He swallowed . " Jena would you like to take a walk with me first ? " His mother was startled but then got a smug smile on her face . He 'd be wiping that off soon , but wishing he didn 't have to disappoint her . Every time she tried to prod him to date , he 'd balked as bad as a yearling calf going up the cattle shoot for the first time . " " Can you tell me what this is about Lizzie ? I 'll admit , I didn 't recognize you at first , but you had to realize one of us would put two and two together eventually . I think Jake knew who you were right off the bat , but I didn 't let him say anything in front of our mother . And why were you hanging out with the Procter boys ? " She gasped . " You don 't really think that do you ? I despise them . They used to come by with their dad when he played cards with my grandpa . Even back then they scared me . " " Oh , that . Don 't worry , I 'm not . I 'll admit that I didn 't want you to know it was me at first . I figured you 'd just send me down the road . But Jena is my real first name . Elizabeth is my middle name and somehow that 's the one Gramps called me because Lizzie was my grandma 's name . As for the last name , as messed up as my mom was , she finally met a nice man , a dentist . After they got married , he adopted me even though I was a teenager . " " Okay . But why did you choose to come here ? " His hands were shoved in his pockets , and he was trying to sift through everything to make sure it was all the truth . " I said that my grandfather left me his place in his will . I wondered if it was still livable , if maybe I could stay there and find a job around here this summer . My happiest times growing up were at his house , well , and at yours since I shadowed him wherever he went working for your dad when I stayed for the summers . I loved it here and would pretend your family was my family . " Justice didn 't know what to do . He put his hands on top of his head and turned around . He 'd never been in this situation before . He tried to remember if Judith ever cried , but he couldn 't remember a time , not even when they broke up . He 'd heard his mom cry a few times , especially since his dad died , but she stayed in her room . But the tears were still coming so he stood in front of her and tentatively put his hand on her arm . Then he stroked her hair back from where her hands hid her face . Before he knew it , she flung herself against him and was crying into his shirt . Her whole body shook while weeping . By then he decided he 'd better hold her since she was falling apart . The problem was , when he did that her hair was so close that her coconut smell filled his senses . That wasn 't good either as she was feeling a little too good in his arms . As soon as she made a shuddering stop to her breakdown , he stepped back and put his hands in his back pockets . " I 'm sorry . I probably soaked your shirt . I guess it was just a silly dream . I didn 't know anything about the taxes . Mom didn 't send me any mail about it . " She was still taking shuddering breaths to get back under control . " I always wanted to come back and live here . My mother has a fancy house , but it 's not my home . Now that my stepdad died , she 's got a parade of boyfriends coming through again . I just can 't go back . I can 't ! " Justice felt like a dog , but another nudge from God hit between his shoulder blades . He had to be totally honest with her . " Umm , Lizzie , when I realized who you were , it got me thinking about Lester 's place . So I went down to the courthouse and found out it was about to go up for auction , so I paid the back taxes and bought the place . " He rubbed his neck and couldn 't hardly look at her stricken face . " I figured it was a way to get the money back that Lester , your grandpa , stole from our family . I had no idea you were the one he left it to since I didn 't recognize your last name . You hadn 't given that to me yet for the employment papers yet . " Lizzie turned her back and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her blouse Then turned back around and pushed the hair away from her face . He remembered how she would straighten her backbone like this even as a scrappy kid . " Of course . It should go to your family . Sorry about my crying fit . I guess it was just . . . " " I 'm truly sorry , Lizzie . I had no idea , " Justice was hankering to hold her again . He put his arm around her shoulder . She tucked herself up close next to him . He heard her sign . He wanted to protect her , but he 'd pulled the rug right out from under her instead . " You can stay with us as long as you want . Shoot , you can live in his house rent free once we get it cleaned up . We don 't need it for now . I just thought someday , one of us boys will need a home . But I haven 't told my family about buying his property yet . I used my own savings to do it . We can 't all live with Mama here forever , you know , " he chuckled . " Hey , don 't worry about that . I think you 've earned your own official laundry day . I hereby give you Fridays ! " They both laughed . " You can keep working for us too . " They had started to walk a bit but slowed to a stop again . She looked up at him with one hand on his chest . Her eyes were gleaming in the dusk . " I think I was just shocked to see a beautiful young woman walk out of the corn stalks . You had my mind spinning . I tried to not even look at you . It was last night when I put two and two together . " " Hey , you 've changed a mite since you were a twiggy sixteen year old . " He shouldn 't have said that . It made him think of all her soft curves she had now . But worse , it brought that night flooding back . He 'd been picking his horse 's hooves when she 'd come in the barn to watch him work . They got talking , then he straightened and moved over closer . He 'd never had a female stir him up before . She was a pretty little filly . He kissed her . He figured it was both their first one , and needed a little more work . When her grandpa came in and found them , they 'd been practicing at it awhile . " Your gramps scared me good , threatening me with calling the sheriff . I didn 't realize how young you were , and I was considered a man at nearly nineteen . Remember how he called me every name in the book ? He was using words I 'd never heard before . Figured he 'd come at me swinging next , but you got him out of there . " She laughed nervously . " Yes , I was afraid if you two tangled , he 'd get hurt . He wouldn 't let me come back to your ranch after that . " They walked some more . " I was sure glad you who found me running from the Procter 's . I had gone out to see the home place again , but was surprised to find them there . I turned the car around as fast as I could without getting out , but they followed me and caught up with me when I was putting gas in my car . That 's when they started harassing me . I guess I just knew I 'd find a safe haven here on your place . " " Good . I wouldn 't want anybody to call the sheriff on me now . " With that he tipped her face up and waited just a moment to make sure she wasn 't pulling back . Instead she leaned into him . Her kisses were as sweet as he remembered . He 'd always felt guilty when he kissed Judith , because it just wasn 't the same . It didn 't get his heart pounding like this . Those two were the only girls he 'd ever kissed , and he 'd always think of Lizzie , which wasn 't the thoughts a fiancé should have . But now he figured it had been so long since that night he 'd first kissed her that they might need a little practice again , and so they did . When they came in , his arm was around her . His mother looked pleased as punch . The talk he had dreaded with their new hire had not gone as he thought it would . It was much , much better than he could have ever dreamed . God was good . His mother was exasperated with herself . " Oh , Lizzie , I should have recognize you . " She gave her a hug . Then they sat in the living room , Lizzie and Justice leaning into each other on the couch while his mother sat in her recliner with her feet up . Justice told her the whole story , even the part about kissing Lizzie at sixteen and making Lester so mad . He just didn 't go into any great detail . " Lester told us how he 'd made a believer out of you that he would come after you with his shotgun if he caught you with his granddaughter again . We knew you weren 't the type to go sneaking around . But I think we made the mistake then of trying to push you and Judith together . I see now what a mistake that was . The closer the wedding got , the more sick I felt about it . I knew you didn 't love her like you should , so we were so glad when she called it off . She wasn 't the one for you , son . " " You knew , Mom ? You knew I shouldn 't marry Judith ? " He was shocked . " Of course , dear . I 'm your mother . " " Really ? " He wanted to know . " Did you look at my ring finger ' cause I looked at yours first thing , " he quipped and winked at her . " As soon as the sheriff calls to say those guys are off the property , we 'll go see it together . I told him to let them know I wouldn 't press charges for trespassing if they made themselves scarce . Hopefully it won 't take long for them to clear out . " " You two go on by yourselves . I can see it another time , Justice . In fact , with all that excitement , I think I 'll call it a night . " She kissed each of them and said , " You know how to make your mama happy , Justice . " Tears were in her eyes . The house was old , but its bones were good . The roof needed repair and some of the porch was starting to get dry rot , but the rest of the house looked solid . It was just way outdated like a time warp . The interlopers had left garbage everywhere . Sad . It was a wonder they didn 't burn the house down with all their cigarette butts snuffed out on the planks of the worn wooden floor next to their old mattresses . There wasn 't much salvageable as far as the furniture went . It had seen its better days . In spite of it all , Justice was feeling an unfurling of a new hope within him , a hope for more than working sunup to sundown on the ranch . It was what he 'd not dared to dream since his fiasco with his former fiance , but this little thing holding his hand was pumping new life into him . They could make this a home , hers and his together . When he kissed her under the old maple tree , a little later , he never wanted to come down to earth again . " So what do you think of the old place ? " " Us ? " The next thing he knew she had jumped up clasping her arms around his neck and wrapping her legs around his waist . " Yes , yes , yes ! " He held on to her tightly . She was still the same frisky filly , his little Lizzie girl . They had a lifetime to practice their kissing too he figured . Now there was something to really look forward to . O what a beautiful morning ! " Sing praise to the Lord , Welcome to my blog ! We raised three children then fost - adopted three more , two of whom are at home . I 'm a grandmother of sixteen , have 36 years experience as a pastor 's wife , married to my man over 40 years . I 've authored a book and have my other books as e - books on amazon kindle . I was an art major at Point Loma College and still like to dabble , read , write , garden , travel , enjoy my family , and am learning to cook gluten free . My pug Max and old Sweetie weiner dog and cat are my comic relief . Please comment or request to be a facebook friend . I 'd love to hear from you . " Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart . " Wordsworth Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . " Nest , " is a more serious work of historical fiction weaving Cherokee history with that of early Tennessee and the twist of those known as Welsh Indians . It is a path back through the tragedy of Native American history with redemption as a young woman is caught between worlds trying to find true love . " As Good As Engaged " is a fun short story of a Texas campmeeting romance set in the late 1870 's . What would you do if you were raised to think that a kiss was as good as engaged when a wild cowboy steals one ? Tifani " Oh , Susannah " is named for Susannah Wesley , mother of John and Charles Wesley who lived in the 1700 's but who is an inspiration for Christian women today . We will include writings of her life , spiritual inspiration , quotes from poetic thinkers , photography , art , crafts , recipes , insights for mothers and marriage , and church life ideas . We hope to illustrate how the beauty of holiness can be infused into everyday life , whereas " The absence of beauty hardens the heart . " ( Kate Morton ) Susannah Wesley was born in 1670 in a time of great turmoil of religion . Her father was a non - conformist leader of the Dissenters from the Church of England when one could be expelled from their parish , not allowed to teach or tutor , be fined and jailed . However , at age 13 , Susannah chose the Church of England . At age 19 she married Samuel Wesley then bore 17 children including John Wesley , the founder of the Methodist and holiness churches , and his brother Charles , a prolific hymn writer . She home schooled her surviving children , even preached in her kitchen to over a hundred , more than attended her husband 's services . When she refused to pray for the king , her husband declared he could not abide under the same roof , and thus began a year 's separation while he left on " official church business , " until the king died and it became a moot point . Her children knew not to bother mother while she sat daily in her kitchen with her apron over her face having her devotions . Somehow , Susannah carved out an hour each week to spend individually with each of her many children . Later we will give her list of child raising principles . Thus a woman who bore 17 children , endured great poverty and tragedies , left such a legacy and influence on those whose creed we share with her deep thoughts and life . Oh , Susannah !

Sam Naimark is the oldest surviving son of Minnie ( Menya ) and Jacob Naimark . Menya was Sam Gass 's sister . The Naimarks emigrated from Turiysk in 1927 , two decades later than any of the other members of the Gass Family - and they settled in Montreal . As a result they had only a limited acquaintance with their Boston - area relatives . Eleanor O ' Bryon was the first researcher hired by Paul to write his family history . Sam : I grew up in Turiysk , a small village on a river in the Ukraine , near the Polish - Russian border . The town was one third Jewish , one third Polish and one third Ukrainian . The Ukrainians hated the Poles , the Poles hated the Ukrainians , and both of them hated the Jews . In Turiysk my mother had a lot of friends . She was a very likable woman . And the same thing when we came to Montreal . Right away she acquired a lot of friends . She was very good to the children . There were eight of us , five brothers and three sisters . Actually Menya had ten children , not eight . There was an older brother that I vaguely remember . He was older then Sarah . I used to like him very much . We used to play with him . He died when he was sixteen , in Turiysk . The other one died at birth . She [ Menya ] worked very , very hard . You can imagine . But she did have always a Ukrainian woman . She lived with us . As cramped as we were in the house we had to find her a place to sleep . And she helped Mama out with the housework . And besides that , in back of the house we had about three acres of land . Every season this woman and Mama and the elder children would help . She would cultivate the land for all kinds of vegetables , lots of vegetables , which would last us practically from season to season . My father worked at different things . For a while he would travel to Warsaw and pick up wool material to be dyed . He would be gone three or four days . Then he would come back and dye the wool . Tuesday was market day . Everyone would come from all the small villages around to Turiysk for selling and buying . The people would come and pay and pick up the dyed wool from my father . The Ukraine is a place for growing grain . At first in Turiysk there were only windmills to grind the grain . Then one man built a water mill on the river . And he knew the business , but he was uneducated and old , so he needed a smart Jew to run it . My father ran the mill for him , and we all worked at the mill . My job was this : they would bring the grain in fifty - pound sacks to weigh . I would write down the weight and figure out the price for grinding it . Then they 'd carry the sacks upstairs and grind the grain into flour . Esther : I grew up in a town in Poland that you 'll find in this book , Rozhan , Rozan . [ 1 ] We were nine children and my mother died at the age of 38 when she had the ninth . It was twins . One remained alive . [ My mother died with the other twin . ] . I don 't remember that . That I was told . I was three years old when she died . After my mother died , my father sat shiva . My father was a very religious man . We had a cousin in another town . She was a first cousin … and she wasn 't married . So my father sent a matchmaker to tell her to wait for him . He was in his forties . And they were married after the year was up . That was the law . He couldn 't marry before . The stepmother was like a princess . She was almost the age of my oldest sister , and not much older . She bore him two children . So we were eleven . And then she died . How old she was , I don 't know , but I remember the funeral . I remember walking with the two little children , one boy , one girl , one on each side of me , to the funeral . They were maybe three and five years old . After that we had a very happy life . We were well - to - do . We had our own home . We had a business that everybody worked , from the smallest to the oldest . We used to have keg beer siphoned into bottles . We were bottling beer and selling it to retailers . So everybody ha a job . We had to wash the bottles , we had to bring the bottles , we had to siphon the beer , we had to cork them - so there was jobs for everybody . Then we had like a little store . In the house we had bedrooms upstairs , some bedrooms downstairs , a kitchen , a living room , and the store was in the front . The store had beer on tap . The men would come in , people after work , sit down … at the tables , and we would serve bottles of beer . … we had sandwiches and things that go with it . I remember it because in 1927 , I came here [ the United States ] , and in 1931 , I went back on a visit . So I have a pretty good memory of the whole thing . I remember behind the counter , we had a rail and there were salamis hanging to dry . We used to cut the salami off for sandwiches . I being next to the youngest , had my chores , I had to go to the bakery before school and bring the bread and rolls for the whole day , for the family and for the sandwiches that we sold . The baker knew . He had everything ready . Then I ran back home , ate breakfast , took my books and I went to school . I was brought up by my sisters and brothers . I was never brought up by a mother . There isn 't a picture in the world of my mother . Because during the lifetime of my mother in religious circles pictures were not allowed . It was like taking an image of a person and that was not allowed . Sam : At first there was only a Polish school . And of the Jewish children , very few , two of my sisters I think , attended the Polish school . But no boy would be allowed by the parents to attend a Polish school . So they used to send them to private homes . A cheder is [ a religious school run by ] a rabbi in his own house , where he has some eight or maybe ten students . And there were several like that . And all they will teach you is about the Jewish religion , nothing else . I attended one of those cheders for not even a year , because right at that time the Hebrew school was started by a Zionist organization . I must have been about nine or ten years old . So I came home one day and I says , " I 'm not going anymore to the Rabbi . I want to go that school . " So I was beaten up pretty much by my father . But it didn 't help . I 'd run away from the house . He wanted me to learn about the Jewish religion . The purpose of the Hebrew school was not teaching religion . The purpose of it was the history of the Jewish people , from the beginning . And that 's what interested me . Anyway , he had to give in finally and he let me attend the school . Myself and my older brother Aaron . When I came into that school , my eyes opened up . I always had in my mind when I saw the terrorist activities against the Jews , and what they did to the women , the Jewish girls , I always used to think to myself , " Why couldn 't we have a land like any other people ? We could have our own government . " Not knowing that at one time , two or three thousand years ago , we did have our own . … there was a man by the name of Gudnov . He wrote the history of the Jewish people from Abraham , Isaac and Jacob until when Hitler was in power . And that book was accepted by all the schools . Not only all over Poland , but all over Europe . As a matter of fact , I have two volumes in Hebrew . I still have them . Well my eyes opened up and I saw that years ago we were an independent nation , just like any other nation . And I also find out that in 1860 , I think , there was a man in Vienna , Austria , a Jewish man whose family didn 't know anything about Judaism , anything at all . And this man … was Dr . Herzl . He was the father of the Zionist movement . Even though he was far from Judaism . And he organized the Zionist movement . At the time Turkey was ruling all over the Middle East , including Palestine . Turkey was the greatest empire , greater than England after the war [ World War I ] . Herzl was a correspondent for a good newspaper , well known over the world . So with his credentials , somehow he got finally to the head of the Turkish government . He put the plan before him , he should let the Jewish people into Israel , that Israel was wasteland from thousands and thousands of years of neglecting . It was malaria , desert , nothing else . The Arabs didn 't do anything at all to develop the land . And he laid forth a plan where Jewish people from United States and European countries will give all the money necessary to make this part of the world another place for human beings to live . But the Turkish government said no , nothing doing . Because after all , the Turkish people there also believe in Mohammed , in the Koran . Five years later , he called for the first Zionist Congress , to see what can be done . They must find a way to get permission . A lot of Jewish people already live there very primitively , but they got in illegally . But he saw that at that time he could forget about Palestine . At that time there was a place in Africa [ Uganda ] , the country where Idi Amin was the ruler . There was a chance at that time that the Jewish people could get into Uganda and develop it as a Jewish land . Well , the biggest majority of the Congress at that time were against it . It was voted down , because they said the masses of the Jewish people will not go any place at all for a Jewish homeland except to revive the old homeland . So nothing could be done until the First World War , and Turkey lost the war . The League of Nations gave Britain the mandate over Palestine . Britain had a very hard time during the First World War against Germany . There was a man by the name of Dr . Chaim Weizman . Dr . Herzl died very young and this Dr . Weizman was second to him . He was then head of the Zionist movement . But he was also a scientist . He developed a powder , and he gave that to the British . And this powder helped the British defeat the Germans . So the British people they felt they owe something to the Jewish people . Lord Balfour was that time the British Secretary of State . And he was very good friends with this Dr . Chaim Weizman . So he gave out , in the name of the British government , the Balfour Declaration , which said that the British government would help to establish a Jewish homeland in Palestine . Well , of course when the Arabs heard that , they started to fight the British . And to the British the oil was more important than a promise to the Jewish people . We know that . As far as myself , I learned all this in that Hebrew School . Sam : Leaders , you might say . And they came to our town too . They organized young groups , kids from age six and older . They didn 't care about the old people , because they knew the old people believed that nobody can rebuild Israel except when the Messiah comes . Some of them still believe even now . There 's religious organization in Israel right now that they don 't recognize Israel as a government , because the Messiah didn 't come yet . In our town they organized different groups . In the Zionist movement there may be a dozen different organizations with different political outlooks of how to rebuild the land . Well , we belonged to one of those organizations . And the moral of our organization was , at the age of eighteen you have two choices . Either you have to go to Israel , or you have to drop out of the organization . Esther : Yes , since I was eight years old . But we didn 't know each other because he was in Canada and I was in New York . But it was the same idea . Esther : The leader of the group [ in Rozhan ] , Arie Buchner , was a teacher . And he organized it . I was eight years old . And we used to have lectures , discussions , outings , play games , all kinds of things that eight years old can do , and more . I remember we had a big house and all our friends used to gather . My father even used to take part in the discussions . Because what did we talk about ? We talked about books and Israel . It was OK because Israel was involved . It wasn 't that we were just playing around like kids . The education was there , but as long as I 'm alive I will not forgive the older ones of that organization for depriving the little ones of an education . See we never thought of getting a higher education . Our education was Dr . Herzl , and books written about the Zionist organization . We used to read chapters and discuss them - all pertaining to the homeland , Israel , to be . Esther : I only made grammar school . College was out of the question . The fact that we are growing up in the United States , maybe we should get a better education , that never came into being . We were living a very lonesome life for about a year . And then , as soon as we found the organization in New York , the Zionist organization … they had a hall in Manhattan . So we used to work until about six . From six to seven - thirty we went to school at night . And then we used to take the subway to the Bronx and go home . On weekends we used to go to the organization . And there we met boys and girls our age . Sam : It was coming pretty close to the time when my mother 's brothers started sending letters to us that they want to take us over to United States . We should leave Poland . Of course we were ready to go . But at that time the immigration closed and there was a quota . Only so many could come in to the United States . We would have to wait ten or twenty years . And by that time Hitler came around , so we would have ended up in the gas chambers . My father , he was a big fool . He was in United States together with my three uncles before most of the kids were born . He came over when they came . They settled in Boston . But he had some landsleit , landsman , [ 2 ] some friends from Turiysk , so he remained in New York . He didn 't want to go to Boston . Had he gone to Boston , chances are that he would have been a partner in that big shoe business [ owned by the Gass brothers ] and he would be able to bring us over much sooner . No , he wanted to remain in New York . He didn 't have any trade at all , or any education . So after a short time he came back . He got lonesome . We could have been all born in United States . That 's why I say , he 's my father , but he was a big fool . It was 1927 when we emigrated . He still didn 't want to leave Poland . My two older sisters , Sarah and Devorah , they already could open up their mouths and talk against him , or talk to him , and he would listen . Us , if we said anything , right away he would hit us , so we couldn 't say anything . But he was persuaded finally to give in and leave . My mother insisted on going only because of us children . She didn 't want us to grow up and then have to go into the Polish army . Any Jew who was in the Polish army suffered . At the same time they had to fight for Poland they suffered from anti - Semitism . They were treated very badly . I know in our hometown - at least a dozen boys they made themselves crippled on purpose . Either they cut off a couple of fingers , or they cut off an ear , so that when the draft calls them they couldn 't take them into the army because they were no good . That 's the only way they could get out of going into the army ; they made themselves a cripple . At seventeen they started calling the boys . Aaron was of age in another year . He would have been called . As a matter of fact , had Aaron given his right age from sixteen on , they wouldn 't let anybody [ family members ] out . Aaron was sixteen actually . So what we did through lawyers , and we paid a lot of money - we shifted the birth certificates of all the boys a year younger . I know that I was born in 1912 , but on all my papers I am 1913 . And the same thing with Aaron . He was sixteen , but at fifteen they would let him out . Sam : Townspeople . Your neighbors . It was all over Poland that way . All over Hungary , Rumania . It was always the same . When our town was a part of Russia … the Cossacks were a part of the Russian Army . And their job was to go and make pogroms on Jews . Legally . From my hometown dozens and dozens left . We traveled by train to some port in Poland . The name of the ship was Vollendam . All I know is that every one of us was seasick except my older brother Aaron . And he attended to everybody . He had a job . Nobody could sleep and nobody could eat . There were no accommodations . It was a ship not for passengers , mostly for freight . There is extra room left , they would sell tickets . Most of the time we were down below the decks , and it was in the wintertime . No matter how cold it is , if you have to throw up you ran upstairs . In Montreal , Uncle Morris [ Gass ] and his wife Sarah met us . She put in a lot of work . She found us a house . She went shopping . Everybody needed clothing . Henry was the youngest , seven years old . Esther : I guess it was the First World War , and my brother was eligible for a draft already . And he didn 't want to go to the Polish army . So we used to hide him in the attic . The police used to come looking for him . And he used to walk around sometimes dressed as a woman . He crossed the Polish border as a woman , in women 's clothing , and he went to Chicago , and then to New York . When I came to the United States , we came five children . We were seven at home . Two were in the United States already . My stepmother died young and my father died at fifty - seven in the early 1920 's . We came in 1927 . That 's when my sister and brother in the United States started to work on a plan to get us out of there . My oldest sister at that time was of marriageable age , but she couldn 't get married because every boy loves her but they wouldn 't come into the house where there was six more mouths to feed . Although we had our own business . Where would we go ? Somebody had to take care of us . I had one sister and brother in New York . They worked in a shop . My brother never came home during the week . He used to go home on Saturday afternoon until Monday morning . He had a cot there . He used to sleep in the shop , be the first one up to start working , and then work overtime to make a lot of money so he can bring us over . In order to help us and to help my sister . It was too much for her to do it all by herself . So anyway , when we came here , the two sisters stayed with my older sister who was here before . She came in 1920 and my brother came in 1921 . And the two brothers stayed with my brother . But I said we came five . We were four , two sister and two brothers . But since we couldn 't get a visa to the United States , we had to come to Canada . We had a cousin in Ontario . She had a sister not far from us . And she went to City Hall , she swore on the Bible that we are her sisters and brothers . Why ? Because my sister and brother from United States paid for her sister 's ticket . Otherwise she couldn 't bring her . Originally I came to Canada . And then I had to come to the United States because there was nothing for me in Canada . My cousin has four children on her back . Sam : In 1940 , there was the [ U . S . ] Alien Registration Act . If you register , five years later you can become a citizen . That 's how we became citizens . Esther : What happened is that we actually crossed the water with a guide . [ Esther pointed across the room . ] He was as far from us as this window over there , pitch dark . There were the lights of the bridge and we were on this side [ Canadian ] . Climbing down there 's a little river , and we had a boat that was very slow going . And then we climbed up the hill . We were on top . About half a mile away was already the United States . And then they took us to a basement . We went there and my brother came and took us to the United States . Sam : It was a house . Not large enough . There are five boys and three girls . Most of us slept two in a bed , sometimes three . The house wasn 't small , the family was too big for that house . We were there … a little more than a year . Until we moved to Henry Julian . It also wasn 't that big . Two bedrooms . I went to work and those after me , they were too young , they went to school . We were there a long time . I left , Aaron got married , Sarah left , so there was extra space little by little . Esther : Most of the income came from Boston . My mother - in - law used to go once a year to Boston . And when she came back she had a permanent , they [ Menya 's brothers ] bought her clothes from top to bottom , everything that she needed . Her husband never gave her any money . When they came from Europe , Sarah [ Morris Gass 's wife and Sonya [ Nathan Gass 's wife ] came to Montreal , found them the apartment , they rented it , and they bought newsstands for the old man , for Aaron and for Sam . And that was supposed to be an income for the family . But Sam left and went to Israel . Aaron sold it and went into business for himself and got married . And the old man , I think he also left it because it was too cold for him . Sam : My father had a newspaper stand . He bought a stand for Aaron and he bought a stand for me . But all the money that came in , we had to give it to him . When I came home I had to open my pockets and take out the change or whatever and put it out in front of him . He thought he set himself up . He 'll make us work , and he will have all the money , and he will run the house . It was probably for no more than a year . Then … it was in the wintertime so cold . You had to stay outside . I could never be warm . So I told him , " You take the stand back or you sell it , because I 'm not going to run it . " And Aaron also gave him back the stand he bought for him , and Aaron went for himself . Esther : We got to United States , everything was wonderful . We all got jobs . My sister - in - law and my brother were just married six months . And she was a forelady in a shop . My brother owed a lot of money . Because four children is a lot of money to pay out for tickets in those days . We had to go to work . The only one who didn 't go to work is my brother , because he was way too young . So he went to school . I went up to the shop with my older sister . We made brassieres , piecework . They used to come from the immigration department to look for youngsters there , if they had minors working . And I was tipped off ; I used to hide in the ladies room because I was a minor . But I worked . My brother , we paid him back a lot of money , my sister and I . My sister and I kept close . We used to go to shows . We use to work on Saturday half a day . The other half a day we used to go on Broadway and see all the shows . And in the summer we used to go to 86th Street to the [ Metropolitan ] Museum of Art where they used to have open - air concerts . At one time we went down to a theater where Mahatma Ghandi was performing with Isadora Duncan . He was reading his poems and she was with her dancers . We wanted to go to that show . It was in the afternoon . We come to the box office . It was twenty - five dollars a ticket - a lot of money then . Esther : So we walked back and forth , and the man at the window saw us . We made sure he saw us . We saw Mahatma Ghandi go in with a hoopla , four guards and he was under it and he walked into the theater . Well five minutes before the show started the man at the ticket office called us . He says " I have two tickets , but they 're not together , and they 're five dollars a ticket . " We said we 'll take them . So that was really something . Sam : In the meantime , 1921 came around , and we came to Canada . But I knew that this [ Hashomer Hatzair ] is a world organization , that there 's got to be one of our clubs in Montreal . And sure enough , in a short time I found them . Right away , of course , I joined up , and that 's where I spent most of my time . And I was eighteen years old , and I was eligible to go [ to Palestine ] , but at that time the immigration was already restricted to Israel by the British . They only give so many certificates . They allowed so many to each country . And the Zionist organizations in turn allowed so many to each political group . In Canada in 1932 , all they allowed is five certificates . And being I was the youngest , there were a lot more older than I . They were eligible . I was not eligible . I couldn 't get a certificate . So they left and I remained , but not for long . Three months later I just went in as a tourist from Canada . Only trouble was , that I didn 't have enough money saved up to buy a ticket on a ship . I wasn 't short very much , but on top of that , when my father found out that I 'm going to Palestine he threw me out of the house . Jobs was hard to get . I finally found a little job after the newsstand . I went to work operating a sewing machine in a factory that made men 's clothes . I was making six dollars a week for fourteen hours a day , six days a week . And from that six dollars - I think the ticket was somewhere close to three hundred dollars and I had over two hundred dollars saved up . So from this six dollars I had to rent a room , clothes , whoever thought about buying clothes ? I had to eat , and I had to save up the rest of the money . And a lot of times , believe me , I went hungry . One time my mother calls me up , my father isn 't home , I should come home at least once or twice a week in the daytime when he is gone , to have a good meal . And believe me , I needed it . So one time I was up there and I was eating and here he comes in . And don 't you think he took the plate and threw it in the sink , and he says , " Get out of here . " Sam : I really can 't figure him out . You know , it 's so many years back , but to this day I start thinking about it , I still can 't forgive him . I still have it against him . How a man can behave like that to his own child ? [ pg2232w . jpg title : Montreal Hasohomer Hatzair Caption : Hashomer Hatzair Organization , Montreal , Canada . Sam Naimark , back row , third from left . These young Zionists were the first North American youths to set out for Palestine to form a Canadian - American kibbutz . They immigrated between 1932 and 1934 . ] Well , finally made it . This was 1932 . I was going on 19 . I went by train to Halifax . We went on the Atlantic first to France . And from France we took a ship across the Mediterranean to Egypt . I spent four or five days in Egypt before I crossed the desert . I saw the whole city of Cairo and a couple of cities on the Suez Canal . At that time there was no Israel of course . We drove in to Haifa and my friends came out , waited for us and took us to the kibbutz . And that was it . But I know in my case , I remember like it was today . My brother sat down on easy chair and I sat down on a hassock near him . He says , " I slaved and I worked so I can have you have you here because I wanted my family . I wanted us to be together , and now you are leaving . " He says , " You can have anything you want . You can have any boy our want . You can have a good life ; you can get married ; you can have a family of your own . But we would be one , together . " And I , like a fool , said … I don 't know if it was the upbringing I had with the organization , but I resented very much that when I left for Israel I was already twenty - two and I hadn 't had an education . And I didn 't see , if I didn 't go , how I could accomplish anything . Because I would have to go to work . My family meant a lot to me , but I left with a good feeling , that I 'm doing what I was taught to do . It 's like you graduate college in computer science , you go to work in computers , you follow up . I followed up too . And my brother understood that . He tried to stop us going , but it wasn 't done with animosity . It was done out of love . My sister and I were very , very close . We worked together , we slept in the same bed , we went to school together and we went to the Zionist organization together . So when Shoshana left I wasn 't going to stay in New York . Before you go to Israel they send you to a farm to learn how to cope with farm life . Because we were coming from a big city . Shoshana went [ to Palestine ] in 1932 . I went in 1933 . Sam : A kibbutz is people . The main thing is the people . They have land . The Jewish National Front who owns most of the land gave us temporary pieces of land until we can acquire land we can go on and settle . Chadera was on a temporary basis . A plot of land on the edge of the town on the way to the ocean . But there was nothing on it . We had to build housing there , everything a group of thirty or fifty or a hundred people would need . We started from scratch . Most of the income was provided from people like myself who were strong and healthy . We would go outside to the union , and the union would give us jobs . They would send us out to different jobs . Most of it was in construction . I never saw a paycheck or anything . It went directly to the kibbutz . Esther : I knew most everyone from Canada . It was a United States and Canadian combination group , the kibbutz . All of them went through New York . They took the boat in Canada and they came through New York and when we found out that a group is leaving the New Yorkers used to get on board and just sort of dance and sing and wish them well and spend some time with them . So I knew most of the people that went from Canada when I came there . But this guy went through Halifax . And who do you go for ? The unknown . Esther : About a mile outside the kibbutz was the factory . It was color tile . There was six or seven colors on every tile . You had to be very fast . I was appointed to work in that factory . I put on the colors , because I was very quick . After I came they give you about a week to rest up and then he took me horseback riding to the factory . So that 's how we met . That was in 1933 . In 1934 we were married . He knew Hebrew very well . And the others knew . And if I spoke English or Yiddish they wouldn 't talk to me . But he talked to me because he wanted to please me . My Hebrew came much later . He was different than any man that I knew . He wasn 't as loud . By loud I mean … he didn 't pursue me very much . The others were after me . I was very pretty . When we were in Israel we lived in tents . And I had a tent with two other girls . And Sam started … he paid more attention to me than any of the others . And I picked Sam because of his character . The others were too American . And he was more like … he made more sense in a way . You see , none of the Americans had a formal education . And they weren 't as interesting as Sam . He 's a very intelligent man . He never went to school , but he can talk to you about American history , European history ; he knows everything from reading . When I used to walk with Sam we talked like two intelligent people . And I found him very close to my way of thinking . We lived together for about six , seven months on the kibbutz . You couldn 't do that here then , but over there it was different . We just moved in together in one place . We got married the same night as my best friend , two couples . We went to the rabbi 's house , but she came in shorts and I came in a skirt . And I said to her , " Shirley , how could you come to get married in shorts ? Aren 't you ashamed of the rabbi ? " She says , " I didn 't think about it . " So I got married first and then we went to the ladies room , I gave her my skirt and she put it on over her shorts . Sam : While we were in the kibbutz we enjoyed it very much . We enjoyed the people although economic conditions were very bad . We had a fight to get any job , even at Jewish enterprises , because Arab labor was very cheap , and we couldn 't exist on the same kind of wages the Arabs could . We were pioneers to rebuild the land . That 's what actually we did . We dried the land where it was full with swamps and malaria . Some friends of mine lost their lives from malaria . Now , after fifty years it 's the richest , cotton - growing land in the world where these swamps were . The land elsewhere was all desert . And we brought the land to life with our plain hands . There was no machinery or anything like that . How , coming back to why we left . It was 1935 , the end of ' 35 . When we came there I was among the first group . We were nine pioneers from Montreal and New York , Toronto some , and Chicago , Boston . We went to one of the older Kibbutzim , from the same political beliefs , to get some experience how to build a kibbutz from scratch . We were there for nine months . In the meantime some new members started to come along . We were already a group of about twenty - six , twenty - eight . The Jewish National Front supplies the land to build kibbutzim - even now all the kibbutzim , the oldest ones who are sixty , seventy years old , they don 't own the land . Jewish National Front owns the land and they lease it to the kibbutz for a dollar a year to make it legal . But before they could find land for us they gave us temporary plot of land in a town called Chadera , halfway between Haifa and Tel Aviv . On that plot of land there were three kibbutzim : one from Poland , who were from the same organization as ours , only they were from Poland and we were from the United States . We were supposed to be the first American kibbutz in Israel . And the third kibbutz was from the Irgun . Well the question came up that immigration was pretty slow from United States because they would give most of the certificates to Europe . They knew that the Jews in United States are not in any danger . So naturally they wanted to bring the people over from Eastern Europe . So some of the members came up with an idea , in order that we should be able to come to the Jewish National Front and demand a steady parcel of land in some part of Israel where we can build our home we need more members . You got to have at least sixty , seventy members , otherwise they wouldn 't even talk to us . So some came up with idea we should unite with the Polish kibbutz . Well , it was nights until midnight we had discussions , hot discussions , fights , not fistfights but verbal , arguments , and they won . They didn 't want to wait and they won . As a result , at least twelve or fourteen of us left the kibbutz at that time . Esther : They had a meeting and decided to unite , and Sam and a dozen others were against it . They said that if we unite the aliya will stop altogether the immigration of Americans . And they wanted more Americans to come . The organization was still active in United States and Canada . And if the kibbutz was closed they wouldn 't go to just any kibbutz . The majority voted for uniting . So those who were against it left . I came to Palestine and I wasn 't sure about kibbutz life . I knew that I want to be a Zionist and I can be in Israel . But I wasn 't sure if I want to live in the kibbutz or I want to live private . Kibbutz life is communal , everything , you don 't own a thing . The children have a children 's home . You get your children at four o ' clock to play with them and then at six o ' clock they go back to the children 's home and they feed them and they put them to sleep . And I wasn 't sure I wanted that . I wanted a private life . But after I met Sam I realized … who needs that part of it : the home and the cooking and the shopping . My personal view … I argued with Sum . I said , " You came to Israel to stay in the kibbutz . They are the same movement as we are . " And I wanted to stay . But he didn 't want to . What am I going to do , leave him ? So I went with him . I was too young to know my own rights . I am married now . I was young . And it got to a point where I wanted what was good for my child . Sam : That wasn 't the whole story . The main story for me , and this I can never forget . In Canada yet we had these meetings , and they talked to us about what this organization is all about . What it means and what the aim is and so forth . They never told us that actually this organization is the most leftist organization in the Zionist movement . And the difference between our organization and the Communist party was that far ( holds up a finger and thumb ) . At one time there was a yearly meeting from all the kibbutzim in our town . Chadera . So , it was on a weekend , so naturally I wanted to go and hear what it 's all about . I wanted to see who our leaders are , those who organized . That was during the Stalin terrorist activities in the Soviet Union . You know Stalin killed twenty million of his own people . I 'm sure that you know the story . I sit in that meeting and I hear our leaders , how they praise this man Stalin . It didn 't bother me that it ( Russia ) is a communist country . If they want it that way , it 's OK . But people that are against him , he killed . Not knowing that they are against him ; if he was only suspicious that you think that he 's no good , right away they kill you . And here I 'm sitting and I 'm listening to our leaders , the way they praise this butcher Stalin . And they way they praise what he wants to do in the Soviet Union . Do you know anything at all about the kolhozim ? The kolhozim are in the Ukraine , the bread - basket of all Russia during the Czar . Kolhozim are communes like our kibbutzim . There was no private enterprise . Stalin took away all the land . He gave so much land to the people in a certain town , and they were supposed to work the land collectively and give it [ their agricultural products ] to the government and the government would pay them enough to exist . Well the people revolted , they were against it . That 's why in Russia now , and for years , they have to buy wheat , food from us . Whereas the Ukraine can actually feed all the world if they had the right machinery . So when we went out I walked home with a friend of mine from Montreal who came about three months ahead of me . And I says to him , " You know I was sitting and listening and I thought I am sitting in a Communist party meeting . " So he says to me . " I feel the same way but I learned . They almost kicked me out . Because if you keep on talking to the wrong people and they reproach you , they 'll kick you our . " In other words , at that time when there was election you had to vote the way they told you to , otherwise you couldn 't belong to a kibbutz . Now it 's different , entirely different . And that was the main reason for me personally , why I would have left the kibbutz anyway , I mean that particular group . But maybe I would have remained in Israel - you know in Israel there are three different political groups of kibbutzim . The next one , the biggest one actually , is the one that belongs to the labor party . I thought of joining them , because I had a lot of friends from my hometown , those who were lucky enough to get out in time before the Nazi 's power , all those were in one kibbutz . So I probably would have joined them . Sam : We left the kibbutz and we lived privately in Chadera . We rented a room . I had a steady job . I was in the building line at that time . That was considered at that time the best paying jobs . Esther : I was pregnant when left the kibbutz . When my baby was born , a car came on a Friday night . And they said that the kibbutz is making a little party for you because of the birth of the baby . And we danced and sang until four o ' clock in the morning . She was the second baby born of people from the kibbutz . We lived privately for about a year . He was working in construction . He was in the Haganah . Sam : The word Haganah means defense , to defend yourself . Eventually from the Haganah it became the regular Israeli army . Every member up to a certain age had to go in the Haganah . Almost all the residents of Israel at that time belonged to Haganah . The beginning of it started maybe a year before I came . So we didn 't know how to handle any guns . And where do we find a place that we can hide out from the British ? Because it was an illegal organization . So they used to take us in the basement of the City Hall . They figured the British wouldn 't dare go to the City Hall and look for illegal members of Haganah . That is where they trained us . That 's where I learned how to use a gun . It was rifles . At that time it was already the beginning of Hitler in Europe . And hundreds and hundreds of thousands , mostly young people , the Jewish organizations raised the money and they hired steamships to bring in these immigrants illegally to Israel . A lot of them the British intercepted , and they sent them to Cypress until the duration of the war . Some of them were in Cypress for four years , five years , until actually the British left and Israel became a state . And then the came in the hundreds of thousands . Our job was … we were only about an hour 's walk from the ocean . For some reason the British ships never came to close to us . And we were able to intercept some of the ships of illegal immigrants . The ship would be about three miles offshore . They would anchor and we would go out in rowboats or motorboats , whatever we were able to get , and take these boys and girls , ages from sixteen to thirty , to bring them in to our kibbutz . Everything had to be done at night of course , and then we 'd spread the out all around the town of Chadera , change their clothes and they mix in with the rest of the population . Ninety percent of them already knew Hebrew from Europe . The British knew that we were doing it and they would start looking for the illegal immigrants . So we told them , go ahead and look . Look any place you want , we don 't know about any illegal immigrants . But we did , plenty . There were hundreds and thousands of them . That was the main job of the Haganah at that time . Until the real fighting started . That was already 1936 . I was married and we had a child . And in 1936 the real terrorist activities had started from the Arabs against the Jews . In 1936 the Arabs attacked any place where they saw a Jew , any settlement which was isolated . And the reason the land for the kibbutzim was in isolated places was to intercept the Arabs before they can come into the cities . It was very , very dangerous . And I kept on getting letters from my mother crying , crying to come home , to come home . I had to go to work . I worked out quite a ways from the town and it was too far to walk and too dangerous . They used to wait for you . They used to hide in the bushes there and when they saw a Jew they 'd kill him . But when they saw a Jew carrying a rifle they would run away right away . They were cowards . The government allowed our kibbutz three rifles for protection so the kibbutz allowed me a donkey to ride on because I couldn 't walk that far , and a rifle . So the smart one , my wife , she writes to my mother , " Don 't worry , Sam to work he has rifle … " Esther : I wrote , " Sam goes to work and he has a rifle hidden , and he 's protected and he 's OK . Not to worry about anything . " To us it was a privilege . People went to work without a rifle . They were in danger . At least Sam had something to protect himself . And Menya got the letter when she came home on Yom Kippur from shul . And started to cry . Esther : Elaine was a year and a half old when we come back . When I left Israel , I left my sister . She begged me , " That baby was born is Israel . Why are you leaving ? " And I said , " Shoshana , I 'm a married woman now . I have a husband . " The riots were there , all the time , so I just submitted . I just gave in . Aaron sent us the money to come back . So we left . I cried for six months after we came back . It wasn 't an easy time . Then I realized you can 't go back . They would have taken us back , the kibbutz , but I wasn 't in a position to go back . And then a few years went by and it wasn 't the kind of life that I had before I left New York . I was my own self . I was very independent . I worked and I had money and I did what I wanted . Sam : Just before we left the JNF acquired the land for our kibbutz where they are now at Ein - Hashofet . For many years we thought that after we make some money , that eventually we will go back . Two years ago they celebrated their fiftieth anniversary . The first time we went back to Israel to visit was in 1964 . Until that time we just didn 't have the money . But then things got better , and I went back three or four times together with Esther , and she [ Esther ] went back once or twice alone at the time when her sister Shoshana was sick and she knew that she wouldn 't pull through . Shoshana stayed in that kibbutz until she died . She married a man from that Polish kibbutz that united with our kibbutz , a very fine fellow , and they had one daughter . The daughter married and had one son , a grandson to Shoshana . When she was pregnant , on the last day when the war of independence ended , the firing ceased already . But the Syrians on their way home with their planes dropped their last bomb and her husband was killed . Sam : We had very , very bad times when we came back . The depression was still on and many times we said to ourselves , " What did we do ? Why did we have to come back ? Why didn 't we remain there ? " We came back to Montreal for six months or less . Then we came to New York . Esther : They needed us like a hole in the head . Dora was still home . She worked in a factory . Sarah was in New York already . Then there 's Mary , Norman , Eddie and Henry , and then we came . So there were seven . And there was no room ; it was a two - bedroom apartment . They had a day - bed in the living room where the girls used to sleep . And there was a small room off the kitchen , a little bedroom . Our bed was from wall to wall . Then there was a window and the crib was near the window . In order to get the baby into the crib I had to climb over the bed . There was a wholesale market in Montreal , pretty far from where they used to live . And Jacob used to go and bring her enough stuff to last for a week . Chicken and fish . And fish is very difficult to clean . Her hands used to bleed . I used to help her . But I came with a baby of fifteen months old . During the day I used to help as much as I could . You can imagine how I felt coming into a house with all these youngsters . The only one that was married was Aaron . I took a liking to Anne . And she was like a rescue person to me . She used to come in during the day when she knew that I 'd put the baby down to sleep , and she says , " Esther , let 's go out for a while . " And we would talk . I tried to help my mother - in - law as much as I could . And Mary , Henry and Eddie used to go to school and every day . Mary used to come home and scream . I used to take the baby down for fresh air after breakfast , just to get her a little bit away from the house . There was a little park nearby . And Mary found out about it and used to give me hell . I go down and have a good time and I don 't ' help … and my mother - in - law would contradict her . We had no money to go on our own and we were just waiting for a chance for my family to take us to New York . I was in a daze . I didn 't know how to act . I didn 't know the nature of the people . I was in a strange house . I left my sister , my kibbutz . And I was yearning to see my family in New York . Eddie was the one that kept me going . He saw the way I saw things . And he saw the abuse I took from his sister Mary . But nothing he could do . So one time … I was forever sad and crying . They had one room in the house that was entirely dark , it had no window . They kept it as storage . So one day he came home and he calls me to that dark room . He says , " Esther , nothing lasts forever . There will come a day when you will forget all this . You will survive it . Don 't pay attention to my sister . " And that kept me going . Since then I really have a soft spot for Eddie . Sam tried to get a job . And jobs was scarce then . There was no jobs . My mother - in - law found out about a butcher who wanted a partner . So my father - in - law gave Sam two hundred dollars to go into partnership with that man . And Sam knew as much about butchering as I know about flying . But he tried to learn . And he was getting there . Then the butcher went bankrupt and the money got lost . Then Sam and a cousin went into the broom business . They bought from big manufacturers and sold to local stores . Sam never drove in his life , he got into a truck and he drove it . In the snow , everything . He had to start something . And that fizzled out . And my sister and brother from New York used to send me money , they used to send me bundles . Especially clothes for the baby . And I wrote my brother one day , I says , " Look . You can 't fill up a sack with a hole . It goes right through . " No matter what you do I can 't accomplish anything with it . I says , " The only thing you can do for me is I want to leave this place . I want to come to New York . " I did get there . Norman had a lot of friends . So there were four boys and Sam . They got in a car and they went from Montreal to Plattsburgh [ New York ] . Plattsburgh is United States already . And they left Sam there and they came back . And nobody asked questions . So Sam took the train and went to New York . And I remained . I had a friend who was in the kibbutz who had [ returned to Canada ] long before we did , a Montreal girl . One day I spoke to her and I said , " How can I get to New York ? There must be a way . " Eventually , she typed a letter and signed her boss 's name that she and her friend and the baby are going to Plattsburgh for weekend . And we got through the border like that . In New York , my brother gave my husband right away a job . I rented an apartment . I said , " I want to go to work . " So my brother gave me a job in the bakery . Sam went at two o ' clock in the morning . And I went in at four o ' clock in the afternoon . At four , I had the baby bathed , she had her lunch , and she had her nap . When Sam came home dinner was on the stove , he fed the baby , and the baby went to sleep at six o ' clock . And he went to sleep with her . And I went to work . Twelve o ' clock at night I walked home and Sam was up and getting ready to get to work . That went on for a few years . Sam : I always had a job , but I wasn 't making any money until I was lucky enough … I was working as a truck driver for a bakery delivering bread , I was getting $ 18 a week for six days , I don 't know how many hours . I gave Esther the $ 18 . She had to pay rent and feed her child , and by Thursday she was broke so she had to borrow $ 5 from her brother until Friday when I get paid . Then she paid him back . The bakery belonged to Esther 's brother and brother - in - law . They sold the bakery and it so happened that her brother was very good friends with the head of the Teamsters Union in New York . And through him I got into the Union . Once I became a union member my worries were over . Because union wages at that time was $ 9 a day , 8 hours a day , 5 days a week . So right away instead of making $ 18 I was making $ 45 . As the outside man in the bakery , they told me if I could get them more customers they 'd raise my wages . Well I knew a lot of people , good customers . I get him so many customers that my wages was already $ 18 a day . I was able to open up a bank account I saved money . And from then on the financial worries were over . And that , by the way , kept me out of the war . It was considered an essential industry . They called me three times to the draft and three times they gave me a deferment because of my job . The fourth time they called me they said , now you have to go . They gave me two weeks to go home , settle my affairs , see that my boss hires somebody else . When I got back the war was over . That was in 1945 . Esther : When we wanted to buy into the business we needed a thousand dollars . So this man went around to our friends and each gave a hundred or two hundred dollars , and he gave us a thousand dollars . It took six months and we paid them all back . Because the bakery was good business . We had three thousand dollars in the bank when we came to California . In the same year , 1945 , I had vacation . And I saw an ad in the paper where an old man is looking for somebody to drive a car out to Los Angeles . He would pay all the expenses . So I drove out here . I made it in three and a half days . I was young . And when I came into Los Angeles , I said , " Oh my God , this is wonderful , exactly the same climate as in Palestine . I couldn 't take the climate in New York . In the winter the cold , the summer the sweat . So I came back , I says , we 're going to Los Angeles . Pack everything , put it in the car , we shipped the furniture , and drove out again with Esther and the two children . We had a few thousand dollars saved up . We bought a business in Glendale , a beer joint , sandwiches , cigarettes , candy and all that staff . Sarah , my sister , came out from New York as a partner for a few years . But her husband didn 't like it , so I had a good friend that was together with us in the kibbutz and he left the same time and he was working in New York . So I wrote to him if he would like to come here and buy out my brother - in - law . So he said yeah , he would , but he doesn 't have any money . I says don 't worry about it , I 'll lend you the money , you pay him out and you 'll pay me back . And that 's how it was . Three years later he gave me back the money ; I never charged him any interest . And we did pretty good there until three blocks away they build the first Bob 's Big Boy and it was very big competition to us . So we sold it . We tried a few more things until finally I went in the liquor business . I had two stores and that 's where I made all my money . Esther : Crossing borders … it never was anything legitimate . I didn 't tell you how we became citizens . First we had to become legal . I told you how we came in . so we were all illegal here . Then the Alien Registration Act came out . And that was very secretive . Nobody could get out the information . It was only for the government to know how many aliens reside in the United States . That 's when we contacted an immigration lawyer . And he said , " Register . You will be sent back , no matter where you came from , if they catch you . You 're taking a big risk . " So we went and we registered . And then he worked for us to become legal . We had to go back to Ellis Island , Sam and I and the baby . Elaine was already a little over two years old , but she looked like five . And we come to the final questioning , how we come to United States . There was a big table of people that threw questions at you . The three of us were sitting all the way back against the wall on a bench . And then they called us one at a time . And questions . All we told them , " We came in on a library card . We cross the border on a library card , as tourists . We came into New York and we had family , and we decided to stay . " That 's all . We said we all came together . They got through with one of us they called the second one . The second one said the same thing . Then all of a sudden they called the baby . They said to me , " You go back . We just want the baby . " And I said , " Oh no . I go with the baby . The baby goes with me . You can 't question her alone . " Well she had her instructions . She came with her parents . She doesn 't know anything . And she wasn 't afraid even . They couldn 't get anything out of her . She held her place , it was remarkable . They even looked at each other and they laughed . And so we became legal . Then we had to wait five years to become citizens . In 1946 , we became citizens . Esther : Menya was very closed mouthed . She suffered a lot inside of her . She never talked about her hurt . It wasn 't a good marriage . And she never talked about it . She had so many children . Evidently , she couldn 't communicate with him . When he wants sex , he wants sex , that 's it . And the woman can 't do anything about it . This woman couldn 't . She was very good natured . And she was a very smart woman . But she couldn 't do anything with it . Sam : She was very good to the children . She had a heart . If a kid hurt himself and started crying , she was crying . But not my father . He was strict with everybody . Esther : She never told him that he was wrong . She swallowed it . Jacob never talked to his children , never talked to his wife . The only one he used to kiss and hug and love is my baby . When I came , I used to be angry sometimes , he used to kiss her on the cheeks and the blood would come out . Very strong , and I didn 't like it . But I was in their hands . Sam : Once and a while he used to beat her . Although in those years it was common . Not in Montreal . In Montreal we were already old enough to stop it . And he knew we would . Esther : I think Jacob 's attitude towards the children and his wife was mostly pride . His pride . He couldn 't do anything . He had no money , no profession . And everything that he got came from Boston . And whatever the children accomplished was with help from Boston . He didn 't have it . So I personally think it was a lot of pride , hurt pride . Esther : I was there only about a year and a half in that house . But I saw that man . He helped Sam when we came from Israel . He gave him two hundred dollars to go into business . And when the other kids heard it they wouldn 't believe it . He calls him into a room , he says , " Schleime , here 's two hundred dollars . Go into business with that man . " Sam : I am surprised . I couldn 't believe it . I think he did it on account of Elaine . Because of the child . He just was crazy about her . Esther : He loved the baby and he wanted us to stay there . And maybe because at that time he had two hundred dollars . Maybe he wanted in other days to help too , but he couldn 't . Esther : Three stayed behind , the oldest sister and the two youngest ones from the second mother . Hitler took care of most of them . My two sisters and their families . One of my sisters had already three children and her husband was in Argentina . He sent my sister papers after the war broke out . But it was too late . She was going to Argentina when she was stopped . And she was killed . She had a daughter who died with her . One of her sons remained alive . He saw his mother and sister be shot . He witnessed it . He was a little boy . Maybe he was ten , no more . The was a rabbi who is a prophet , Rabbi Rashi . And one of his followers got hold of this little boy and took him under his wings . He hid him under his long cloaks . And this boy got into Germany when the war was over , as a displaced person . He had a father in Argentina . So he was torn between his father or the family in United States . He decided to go to his father . The other sister got out to Cypress , and from Cypress she got to Israel . She was alone . She had no husband . And she had a son and three daughters in Israel . She escaped from Rozhan to Germany and got on a boat to Israel but the boat was intercepted in Cypress . They put them in camp . My sister in Israel , Shoshana had a friend whose mother was dead . And in her passport picture she was wearing a kerchief and looked like an old lady , and she looked very much like my sister . That 's how she got a passport . She went in that woman 's name . My youngest brother Ephraim had a legitimate visa to go to United States . The war broke out and he was caught in China , on a boat going to the U . S . Seven years he lived in China . He worked in a kitchen where they used to cook for the refugees . We used to send him bundles , mostly rice which he used to sell . All food . He came here he was twenty - seven , he looked like a man of fifty . Many years after the war . He couldn 't come in [ to the U . S . ] regular . He got a rabbi at an ultra - religious Jewish school to sign him up that he is a student there . And then they sent him a branch of that school in Chicago . Sam : Aaron had a lingerie factory . Then he went into import / export . After the lingerie , Aaron used to make about three or four trips a year to Japan and buy a lot of the stuff that you find in five and ten cent stores . And he used to sell to them . He had a big place at that time . The other boys were working for Aaron as salesmen . He had customers practically all over Canada . Retail stores . Until the war broke out . The two younger brothers were taken into the army , Edward and Henry . When the war was over they said they didn 't even want a partnership . They just wanted to go for themselves . So they went ahead and started the same kind of business and they went to Aaron 's customers . But Aaron didn 't mind . He gave it up . For the first couple of months there was some friction . But then he gave it up and went into lingerie . Aaron is like Paul [ Gass ] . He can take five thousand dollars and build a business of five million dollars . Aaron was that way too . Aaron built the Naimark Building in Montreal . Not long ago , Henry and Eddie bought the building from him , just before he died . And now they own the building and they are millionaires . But Eddie is not well , so he pulled out , they paid him out and now Henry owns it with his two sons . Henry 's boys run the business today . It 's called Supreme Lace . Sarah was a self - made person all her life . She worked in the needle trade , the factories . Her husband was in the fur business . They made fur coats ; her second husband was also a furrier . Sam : My brother Aaron was a much stronger Zionist than I was , because he was older . He understood more , to me it was like a dream . And yet , when we came to Canada , he dropped out completely . He never even went to any Zionist meetings . He was a very , very wealthy man . Yet he never contributed any money towards ( Zionism ) . Just like it never existed . I can never understand why . The only thing that mattered to him was to make money . And he did make money . He was a wealthy man . Although I think in 1948 after Israel became a state Ann and Aaron made one trip . Sam : I was once in Boston before I left for Israel . And we visited the three uncles and their children . Other than that … After I came back we were mostly close with Morris and Sarah . Sam : Uncle Sam was a very , very religious man . You used to say he is a fanatic . But that 's his life . I was never religious . I didn 't believe it then and I still don 't . So he and I didn 't get along naturally . But Uncle Morris , we were very close . A very fine man . There is nothing bad I can say in any respect . [ 1 ] Halevy , Benjamin , editor . Rozan / Rozhan [ Sefer zikaron li - kehilat Roz ' an ' al ha - Narev ] , Tel Aviv , Israel : Rozhan Societies in Israel and the USA , 1977 , 518 pages . A memorial book written in Hebrew , Yiddish , and English .

It was a hot summer in southern California ; the air was heavy from the humidity . I wish it would rain . Our apartment is a one bedroom , furnished . We really liked living in Bellflower , California . It is like a small town . We could walk downtown without a care in the world . It is also the best place for showing off your cars on Friday and Saturday night . We drove our 55 Chevy all shinny through town more than ones . We would go to Helen and Grace for ice cream . I loved all the pink , black and torques green . When you opened the door the smell was sweet with chocolate and vanilla . Arney and I were married in August , 1963 . We had no idea what the future would bring , only that we loved each other and wanted the life we longed for . But it was not easy , we were so young , and the good stuff didn 't come easy for us . This night had been long for me , it is hot and I am pregnant . Arney must have had the TV on all night keeping up with the news . I could hear a soft sound coming from the living room , and Arney did not come to bed . Watts and the towns around it are on fire , I can see the smoke from our apartment on the second floor . The regular smog we are used to is now mixed with the smoke . It is hard to breath very deep . Sometime during the night I fell asleep . I wake feeling sick to my stomach ; I did not want to look at what was happening in Los Angeles . Why would you destroy your own town and each other ? Compton & Watts had always been a mix of Negros and whites . When I was growing up it was mostly white , but as people spread out into Orange County , tracks of homes were being built . The homes being built are expensive , and only those making a really good wage could move into most of the areas . Seems that the Negros more or less had some parts of LA all to themselves as time went by . But it had been a mixed race state . We know there are gangs of all colors living in LA , Compton and Watts . No one wanted any problems , at least no one I knew . I get myself a drink of water , it teats like chlorine , I do not like Bellflower waterShopgirl Writing my Mother is so hard , and her letters back to me give me hope . It is strange how you can feel all grown up one minute and the next you want your Mama . Arney is wonderful , but I need her also , to many miles are between us . This is the first grandchild and great grandchild for my side of the family . I am going to LA General Hospital because they have the best doctors . My regular doctor has sent me there . But this is not a good time to be going in that direction . Roads are blocked at different places along the freeway ; I didn 't go to my last appointment because of the riot , we are told to stay away from different areas …… Since there were no monitoring systems for babies in 1965 , there was no way to tell how our baby was doing . The blood testing was to see if I had become toxic . If my blood was becoming bad they could take our baby because there was a threat to my life . Listening each visit for the sound I prayed for , a heartbeat . I must have seen at least 5 different Doctors , sometimes two or three would check me during one visit . Abortions were not legal unless the mother was in danger . I certainly did not want them to take my baby Everyone was on alert as the hours past . All we had to do was look out our window ; we could tell that things were getting worse . The news was constant . We were all in shock ; this was not in any way normal in this part of the country . We knew that in the south things were bad sometimes , but never did it dawn on us that someday we would know this kind of anger , this rage , even death on the streets . Strange what comes to mind while I write … . We had a black and white TV , I think it was a 19 inch . While so much was going on that was changing our lives in a dramatic way . This was some of the programs we watched . Arney is a good man , and as my friend would say , a real tall drink of water . Blond , blue eyed , a young man that grew up fast . His childhood was hard ; he needed life to get easier . We were strong in who we were but it was not an easy time for us ; work is hard to come by . To be continued …… . Posted by I decided it would be good to go outside ; we needed to get out of the apartment for a while . It was hot and the news was all bad . Then as I am going down the stairs the first pain hits me and I know our baby is coming . I am scared , all I can think of is , " will the baby be alive ? " Could there be something terribly wrong with him or her . I wanted a boy , a little person that looked just like his Dad . Or a girl with my brown eyes and blond hair like Arney . I knew that our baby was dead , but I just kept trying to think otherwise . My Grandmother is praying for us , she is so devoted to her Christian walk with God . If she were here with us , she could help me understand why this is happening to us . Arney take me out to his Dads truck . I can see his fear . He wants this baby so much . He touches my belly all the time . Driving to La everything seemed to be in slow motion . I see and smell the smoke coming from the riots . My heart was beating so fast , my body felt tense . It is so hot ; we are more than 20 miles from the Hospital . Different exits were closed ; I know Arney was just as scared as I was . Arney when upset sets his jaw , he is so Welch . The pain was coming longer and faster . These are the pains your Mother will never tell you about . We pull into the iterance of the hospital , police cars are everywhere around the hospital . Sirens screaming ! We stop as close to the iterance as we could , a man in a white uniform has a wheelchair ; he helps me out of the truck and into the chair . It hurts to move , everything is white hot , and the sky is flat with no color . The fires were turning everything gray . No air , I need air . The door opens to the ER ; the smell of blood is overwhelming mixed with the normal smells of the medications . I look into the faces of people that could be dyeing . Is this what war looks like ? There is a war going on and I am in its sites . I start to throw up from the smell , the humanity , the pain from my own body . I am put in an area with curtains all around me . No one comes to check me and I have no idea wherI had no since of time , the lights overhead were bright . I wanted to turn them off . I do not know how much time had passed when the doctor came in with a nurse . He was older , but when you are 20 everyone is older . I was given a couple of shots in my arm and told to push hard , and soon it was over . A baby boy with blond hair covered in blood was born and he is dead . The cord wrapped his tiny body . I am drugged ; crying , laughing , and I do not know how to feel . It is over , the pain is gone from my body , but I am sick , I throw up and I cry more . I get another shot and then they wheel me out into a large area in the same bed where I had given birth to my baby boy just minutes ago . I am drugged ; I can hardly open my eyes . There is my Arney waiting , not knowing anything about me or our baby . All we can do is cry . That is all we can do . A nurse is asking us questions about how to handle our baby ? She sounds so far away , Arney is taking care of what is to be done I remember the ceiling lights going by as we are heading to the elevator . I am going upstairs to a room . Ones in the ward , I fell asleep . I don 't know when Arney left ; he held my hand till I was asleep . To be continued . . Sometime in the early morning I wake and know that I am not alone . This picture is not the room I was in . In the room I was in there is 5 more beds on the wall across from what is shown here . I hope this gives you an idea of what a ward looks like . There are 9 other girls in this really big room . Where is Arney ? I ring for a nurse , but no one comes . I was scared , there are Negro women in this room . I have never felt so white . I will call my bed # 1 because it is next to the big wide door to the hall . I have no recall of their names , but to share this time I want to put a name to the faces and voices I will never forget . There are 5 beds on one wall and 5 on the other . There is about 4 feet between each bed . Girls I shared three days with at LA County General Hospital Bed # 2 is Sylvia …… Bed # 5 is Jessie …… . . Bed # 8 is Fannie The windows that overlook Los Angeles are floor to ceiling ; they have old glass that is distorted . I am on the 8th floor , I could have seen a lot from up here . I didn 't look . At some point food come , it made me sick to look at it . I hear a small voice , you need to eat girl . I come to know her as Lana in bed # 3 ; she had been hit in the lower back by a cop with a baton . She was looking for her children when she was hurt . . She miscarried her baby . . I hear the girls crying and whispers but nothing directed to me . Lana had tight curls ; her eyes were so black and very large . She looked like she could be about 13 but I knew she was older . She was very quiet ; really kind of shy … I think it must have been hard to talk to the white girl ( ME ) . Each one of these girls , one by one shared why they were here over the next three days . I think the nurses were really busy because no one came to help me . I had rang and rang without anyone coming . I could not hold my pee any longer . I knew that I was bleeding , but when I put my feet to the floor , I was shaking and the floor seemed to be coming up . So I stood there for a while hanging onto the bed . Now to take those ten steps to the bathroom . Then as I made my way the blood was falling out of me like water , it was all over the floor . The girls in my ward were ringing for help . I had blood on me , the bathroom , and I felt faint . I needed someone to help me . I could smell my own blood , so I began to dry heave . I do not remember much after the nurse came , only that I wanted the blood off the floor . It was very important to me that the floor must be cleaned . She cleaned me and my bed . Along with a shot and out I went . The next thing I remember is someone wanting me to eat . Then seeing Arney come through the wide door . He held me for a long time . He had driven through some bad parts of Los Angeles , some road blocks made it almost impossible to get here . He had been shot at , his Dads truck now had a hole in it . He could have been killed . The bullet was just inches from his head . He said that he felt the wind of the bullet . I felt like this nightmare would never end . I ask him to stay away from here until time for me to go home . He certainly understood that I was right , but either way would be hard for us . To be continued …… . 11th 1965 , August , a young black man was pulled over because he was driving recklessly near Watts California . The driver was Augus Marquette Frye age 21year old Negro . His brother Ronald age 22 was a passenger . Frye failed the sobriety test , so he was under arrest . Ronald went to get his mother who was about a block away , so they could get the car home . The mother came to where her son was and started yelling and making a fuss about the arrest and since it was a hot evening , people were outside … soon there were people gathering around the scene and now Marquette was resisting and a struggle ensued . More police came and without going into all the details , the riots were started . I am in no way blaming anyone , I believe if not for the work of many , this could have been worse than it was . If you would like to know more about the Watts riots , there is information on the web . Let me introduce myself , I am Mary ( Stinnett ) Evans , oldest daughter of Loy and Marcella Stinnett born July 12 , 1945 in Tulare , California . My sister Sharon and my brother Bret are much younger than me . I have red hair and brown eyes . I am 5ft 4inches . Very thin . I had just turned 18 when we were married . Arney is my guy , my friend and lover . What do you do when your baby is dead , and your world is turned upside down ? You endure ! But the empty place never goes away . True fear changes things ; I thought people in California were better than this . How could they hurt each other , it is so violent . I never dreamed that we would have friends hiding in trees unable to go home . Not in our towns , not in my lifetime . I had always been afraid of Negro people . I was raised that way . Even when I went to school with them there was a fear factor . They were niggers to the men in my family . Never be in a crowed of them , they run in packs like animals . Stay out of their neighborhood . They are uneducated , welfare and food stamp people , just having babies like rabbits so they could rule the world even though they are lazy . They will steel from you given a chance . Were we bad to Negros ? Not in California . That was in the South . Have they all gone nuts ! I lived in Compton growing up , it was a beautiful city . Called the hub city to Los Angeles . I loved the down town ; I thought the sidewalk was made of gold . There were shinny flecks in the cement , our town is special . What I did not know or maybe just didn 't care about was that Negros are not being treated well in Southern California . Or that Negros were unemployed and unhappy with the way they were treated , I was so busy just living my life with Arney and doing the best we could with very little that I never gave it much thought . With Arney staying away from the hospital , I was alone . No one would come to this part of the city . And I would not want them too . No one in my ward had a visitor . During the second evening I felt the milk for my baby coming in . I could only cry silent tears , I knew that I would never forget this time , this place , this great lose . I knew Arney was having the same feelings . The sun was going down when I sat up to see the girls that are sharing this room . It is awful to say , but this was the first time I really looked and really saw them . Dinner had come and gone without me eating . I drank something sweet , and I hoped it would stay in me . I felt very small in that big room . I wanted to sleep , stay asleep till I could stop thinking . Maybe if I slept long enough the riots would be over . Maybe this is a really bad nightmare and I will wake to find life as it should be . And my baby boy would live . Suddenly I heard a voice from across the room . It was bed # 6 Miss Sarah , she seemed to be older than the rest of us . She had on a pink colored hair thing that covered her hair . Not a hair net , much thicker . What is your name child ? I am Mary . You lost your babe ? Yes , a baby Boy . I could hardly breathe as I spoke the words . I am Miss Sarah ; I do not know where my husband and children are . I miscarried because I was pushed down in the street . Them People walked all over me . Someone brought me here . I saw her tears , and her face was round and beautiful . She had a couple of large bandages on her arms . Bed # 4 Martha chimed in saying , my baby is dead too . No one hurt me , God wanted this baby . It was not a good time for him to be born . My husband is somewhere in this hospital . No one tells me anything . I realized we were all teary eyed . Her words haunted me , maybe this was not a good time to bring a baby into this world . I fell asleep with tears burning my face . Where is God ? Martha was thin and her arms seemed very long , she is pretty . Her hair is very short and curled just a little around her face . She could have been just my age . Her voice was tiny and very southern . I think under different circumstances she would be a funny girl , the kind that makes you laugh just being with her . Morning came with very little said by any of us . When a nurse would show up , everyone had questions . And most of the answers were not good . My heart went out to these wonderful women . None of this was their fault , they were all victims . They had all lost their babies and had no idea if they had a home still standing . The fires had destroyed so much , it was not over yet . I realized that I knew so little about life or maybe I just was not paying attention . I kept looking at the silent girl in bed # 2 next to me . I finally got up enough nerve to ask her what her name is . She looked at me with her big brown eyes and said , I am Sylvia . I am a neighbor of Miss Sarah . She shared that she had seen me before in the little labor room . Then I knew she had her baby just a few feet from my head . She shared that the baby was a girl , and that she died . I remembered how I felt when I heard her baby cry . Sylvia had tears falling from her eyes , my husband might be dead , I saw him get shot . Lord , what did I do wrong ? She could hardly speak . She was silent most of the time . Sometimes in life there are no words , just feelings . I think she was younger than me , she has a pretty face , and she is very tall , like a model . I hated when they brought in food . No one cleaned us , or really seemed to care about us . I am sure that there are others just like us . We were not on the maternity floor . I went into the bathroom and cleaned myself the best I could . It felt good to have cold water on my face . My hair was in tangles , I felt old . I wanted to brush my teeth , I want , I want . To be continued … . . * I know this is a lot of reading for a blog . We are so used to seeing a wonderful craft or amazing art . Thank you for reading my story . With no TV or even a book to read , the hours were long . Since I was next to the wide door , I could lay and watch others being wheeled down the hall . I could smell the ether . I felt close to these girls , it had become our own little world . Each having a life , and when they shared I found myself wanting to know more . These women could be my friends . I didn 't say much , I was grateful to listen . I know that me being in Bed # 1 was hard for them . If I were gone they would talk more , say more about what was going on outside these walls . Deep in my own thoughts when Bed # 7 said , call me Betty . I know my husband is down stairs with bullet holes in him . God only knows where my kids are . I want out of this miserable building , I might just get out of this bed and leave tonight . She asks for a newspaper every time a nurse came by . No one had the time or desires to find her a newspaper . This was a day of talking to each other . Not in whispers with only the girl next to you . Bed # 9 Lily was so black she almost looked blue . She had some kind of beads in her hair , very lovely girl . She asks us where we all lived . And one by one we shared where we came from . Bed # 10 Kate was from Compton over by the Sears store . She had her hair parted down the middle and on each side of her head was a bun of black hair . She seemed to have lost a few of her front teeth . I shared that I worked at that Sears in the Christmas season . I thought about my Dad , who loved their big blocks of chocolate . Then Bed # 8 Fannie spoke , saying she was pushed down a flight of stairs by her husband . She said that she hoped someone had killed him dead . I hope my kids are with their grammie … I live in Watts , or what is left of it . She was really beautiful , her teeth were so white against her really dark skin . She had a high ponytail with a yellow ribbon tied in a small bow . She could be really funny … . she made some really funny remarks about the nurses ; it did bring a giggle now and then . One of the funniest things was watching each other walk to the bathroom . The pads we wore were the size of a loaf of bread … they went why up our back and front . We all looked like Zombie 's going to the bathroom or maybe a bow legged cowboy . We all thought it was so funny and found ourselves giggling at each other as we made our way back and forth . Silly things were a great brake , sometimes our silence was so loud . Some of us were starving while others could not eat … I never saw oatmeal that looked like gray paste . The toast is hard as a rock ; I had to tear it with my teeth . I gave mine to anyone that would take it . If you didn 't eat or poop , you couldn 't go home . I ate only what I just had too . So I shared what I could not eat . I hadn 't smoked the whole time I was pregnant , and the smell of coffee make me sick . I ate very little during the months of my pregnancy , but I craved lemons , I wanted them day and night . Poor Arney had to go out late at night a few times searching for lemons . I ate them like candy . Right this minute I could kill for a cigarette and a cup of really hot coffee with a lot of sugar and cream . Which brings me to Fannie ; it was late at night when I realized Bed # 8 Fannie had the glow of a cigarette coming from her bed . She had been very friendly to everyone . Sometimes I thought she was content to be here , she was safe . Fannie , I whispered , do you have one of those cigs to share with me ? She whispered back , come and get it , but don 't let the nurse see it . I climbed out of bed , looking like the hunch back of Nostradamus with a loaf of bread between my legs , but I would have walked a mile for that cigarette . I smoked it , and it was so good . Sad to say I would be smoking when I got home . Some of us were cold and others were hot , I thought my feet would fall off they were so cold and others were fanning themselves like they were in an oven . We had gotten pretty comfortable with each other . Of course some of us were quiet . Everyone had a good laugh when I ask for a HOT cup of coffee with Sylvia and Miss Sarah live in Compton . Martha comes from Watts / Betty is from Long Beach . Betty and her family were in their car driving to get family . Her parents lived in Watts . They were pulled over by the police when all hell broke out . Betty said she doesn 't remember much since she was knocked out . She woke here in the hospital and was told she lost her baby . She shared that she had a bump the size of an egg on the back of her head . Betty is not very pretty until she starts to talk . She had a large head , and her hair seemed to have a mind of its own . Very large lips . She could spin out a story so fast . Lynn in Bed # 3 asked me why I am in this hospital ? Bellflower is a long way from here . I was coming to the clinic to have blood taken ones a week . Lynn shared that she had been hit and fell on something hard . You could see her pain with each word . I was looking for my kids ; I don 't know where they are . I hope my husband found them . Bed # 3 Lynn had light skin and small features , her hair was not fuzzy , it was long and very pretty . But when you heard her voice you knew she was a negro girl . It was hard to think about what each girl had gone through . What would happen to them when they left this room ? What would they find when they got home , or would there be a home waiting for them ? What if her kids were killed ? ? ? ? ? So much to think about . Bed # 5 is Jessie . I wish you would all just shut up and let me sleep . For the record , I am from Compton . Then she turned over toward the window . My first look at Jessie was a little shocking ; she kind of looked like a man . She was a big boned girl . She had a red streak of hair pulled up on top of her head . Her earrings were large , and they pulled her ear lobe down . It was mid - day when a Negro man came to the entry of the big open doors to our room . He looked like a homeless person . He was dirty , his clothes were torn . His hat was full of holes . He had a newspaper folded in his hand . Miss . Sarah asks if she could look at it ? He stepped into the room but when he saw me he went instantly into a rage . It 's your fault ; he yelled it over and over . He came toward me yelling ugly words ; I had no place to go . He was close enough to hit me when all the girls were yelling back at him to get his silly ass out of here . This child has nothing to do with you . He looked at me like I was the devil , dropped the paper and backed out the door , still yelling it 's your fault ! Something happened in those few seconds that changed me forever . The girls were saying that ole bastard , what rock did he come out from under ? " Kicking his ass would have made my day . " Then Lynn saw the newspaper on the floor . She got up and put it on her bed . Some of the girls gathered around to see what it said . It is today 's paper Jessie said , Could someone read this , I lost my glasses . Miss Sarah started to read it out load . The headlines said that the National Guard has been called in . The police are not getting control of looters and the fires are overwhelming and spreading , Negros on the move , heading to other towns . I stopped listening . I had a lot of time to think , was I put here to wake up to what is going on around us . It is so easy to get into ourselves , living but not really being a part of the big picture . This was a really hard way to get the message . Listening to these girls telling their stories was not easy . They are telling me , we are here ; we have all the same feelings as you do . I had understood the civil rights movement . But it was not personal until now . Maybe I did feel superior to them . If you are treated like you do not exist , then how do you feel ? In my mind , I think they are agree , and sometimes that causes people to feel like victims , now there is a reason to fight . They had so little , what did they have to loose . What did they see and feel when they looked at me ? Where is our heart if all we see is the color of skin ? I heard them cry , giggle , talk in words I understood , I saw the worry and the tears , and they saw mine . They cared about me , and that was a beautiful thing . In many ways they looked after me each day , even to the point of telling the nurses things that I had not shared about my health , and I hope that I helped them . Over the years , I wondered if they remembered this little bit of a girl that for just a short time shared in the hot days of summer so close to the fire . When Arney came to get me , I was so glad to be leaving this hospital . Also an empty feeling rushed over me ; one by one we had said our goodbyes . We were all going home that day . I was going home to heal with my husband and family . What would each of these girls find when they returned home , would they still have a home . Their story would be very different from mine after the 6 days in August 1965 . I don 't remember much about the drive home , just feelings rushing through my mind . I looked back at that big hospital ; it was so large and really beautiful . I never went back there , and if we drove by it I would try not to see it . I had left my baby there . I was no longer a child . My Parents and siblings lived in Placerville , California . It was about a 500 mile drive to LA . As I recall my Mother carried a hammer under the seat of the car . She knew she was going into a bad situation , but a hammer ? Knowing my Mama , she could have done some damage . It was dangerous for them to come into this awful mess . August 14th , 1965 … . . by 1 a . m . there were around 100 fire brigades in the areas , trying to put out fires started by rioters . Over 3 , 000 national guardsmen had joined the police by this time in trying to maintain order on the streets . Mama came in with the Sacramento National Guard . By midnight there were around 13 , 900 guardsmen in the area … . My sister Sharon has her own story about this time in our life . Sharon and my brother Bret were little kids … Sharon wrote … Mom , Bret and I drove to see you and were surrounded by the National Guard , they told Mom to stay in the middle of them , so they could protect us from the bullets . Bret and I had to lie down in the seats . I know we were at your house the day Arney brought you home and carried you up the stairs to your apartment . I remember seeing the helicopters just a few blocks over and the fires and smoke . Lots of noise . And standing on the walkway in front of your apartment and seeing the war in the next neighborhood and being very frightened . Sure brings back memories . A sad time in our lives . Arney called us in the middle of the night , I don 't know what day it was but Mom and Dad were sleeping and I couldn 't wake either one of them up to answer the phone . So Arney talked to me and I told him I would have Mom call as soon as I could wake her . Next thing I knew , Mom , Bret and I were in the car headed to L . A . A long trip and we were in a hurry , I think we only stThank you Sharon , as you must know it brought tears reading your words and remembering that you were 13 and so grown up . And our Bret had just turned 7 years old . I was so glad to see my mama , my sister and brother . I melted into my mother 's arms . Just to see their faces was so healing . We had all lost this baby boy ; he would always be a part of us . They were in real danger coming here . Mama and Arney had talked about going up to grandma Neely 's when I got home if things had not gotten better . Lynwood was being taken over , and that was to close . By night fall the National Guard had a show of power and things changed very fast . But the smoke and unrest hung on in little pockets . They did not want to stop fighting , but soon even that had stopped . Arney needed my Mother ; he had no support from his family . No one came to be with him except my Mama , Sharon and Bret . Arney 's branch of our family lived in other parts of Los Angeles County . Sometimes you just have to get over it . We watched the news and things were calming down , we knew that soon Mama would have to go home . Dad would be waiting for his family . Mama took all that we had bought or made for the baby . I needed these reminders to be gone because everything upset me to the point of being ill . Arney played with Bret . Mama , Sharon and I spent most of the time in my bedroom . So much healing went on for Arney and me in the days they were with us . I could hardly bear the thought that they would go home . Saying good bye was so hard , stay with me , don 't go ran through my head over and over , but as they pulled away , I wanted to go with them . Arney had his arms around me as I cried uncontrollable . Crying for my baby boy that I never would know , but have always loved . Crying for the man who loved me unconditionally . My heart was broken for us all , so much had happened in one short summer . As time went by , we grew not only as a couple , but we had established a good life , one we were proud of . But the missing part was we wanted a child to love . 4 different doctors had told us that because I only had one or two periods a year , they could not give me a good outcome for having a baby . And the treatments could cause multiple births and often they did not live . One morning before the sun came up we found ourselves talking about adoption . This would not be a easy journey , but one we were excited to take . In 1968 we adopted Trevor Lee Evans at 18 days old from Children home Society of Long Beach , California . We were in love with him from the moment we held him , probably before . My parents along with my sister and brother moved to southern California to be near us . When Trevor was 81 / 2 months old I gave birth to Steven Cory Evans . He was our miracle baby since I had no idea I was pregnant . I found out there was a baby when I was six months along . I was busy and he was hiding out . When Cory was 21 / 2 years old I gave birth to Jennifer Anne Evans . The little girl my husband had to have … a bottle of wine and thee ! Each a blessing . " My cup runith over . " Thank you for taking this journey with me . We all have stories ; most will never be told in the way that I have . But no less important to each of our lives . Your comments have been so special ; it made me want to continue writing . A very special thanks to my I am a crafter & I love to Journal . This blog has been a true joy . I have learned so much about art & Day to day stories of wonderful ladies that have touched my heart . I am a Wife , Mother and Grandmother , and each title brings me love beyond my dreams . Thank you for coming to my little corner and sharing all your gifts . Mary

Tripp got his first scrap of paper the day his mother died . He was four , and the paper was pure white . It was a rectangular sheet the size of his foot , folded into the shape of a feather . It came from the left wing of his mother 's god . Most of the kids played a gambling game as they waited , flicking small stones off of a big rock and trading scraps of paper depending on where their stones landed . From time to time the older kids would glance up at his mother 's bed , worried that she would wake up and yell at them for scattering stones all over her swept - dirt floor . They didn 't know whether Tripp 's mother would die from her illness , but Tripp was sure . This was the only time her god had ever stopped talking . The god was perched on a piece of white plastic pipe that cut across the corner between two mud - brick walls . Its head was tucked beneath one wing . Tripp 's mother had no eye for color , and had taken any paper she could get . The parrot was , at least in Tripp 's eyes , one of the ugliest gods in the village . He was glad to have first pick from the paper when his mother died , because there was only one sheet worth having , and he was so small that if he had to fight for paper he 'd likely get nothing at all . His mother never woke before she died , never said a word to Tripp . Her spirit simply slipped away a couple hours before sunset . At the moment she died , the magic that held her parrot together ended . All the scraps of paper burst apart and fluttered to the floor . The children eyed the paper eagerly , but held back . No one else could take anything until Tripp had selected his one piece . He walked along the edge of the room , careful not to trample any of the paper . He grabbed the white feather , and as soon as his hand closed on it , the room erupted in a frenzy of activity . The oldest kids emerged from the fray with armfuls of paper . Many of the younger children came out with nothing , for the parrot was not a particularly large god . Tripp was surprised to see Smoke clutching a tiny scrap of pink in her stubby fingers . When the others had gone , Tripp unfolded his feather and smoothed out the creases . He put the flattened sheet into the collection box his mother had used when she was a girl . He vowed to collect more paper than she had , all in matching colors . His animal would be so fantastic that it would attract the most powerful of all the gods . " This is an important moment in your young life , " Uncle Sariff said . " You will not make your god until you are twelve , but you must collect your paper and plan . The sooner you choose the form of your god , the better . " The temple was out beyond the outskirts of town , on a black - stone road that was built by the forsaken ones . Many years ago , the sides of the road were littered with ancient treasures . Even in his mother 's day , a little digging often turned up something useful . She 'd found the white plastic pipe that her god perched on somewhere along the road . The temple itself was a relic of those older times . The building was an enormous rectangle , with a vast expanse of black - stone spread all around it . Part of the roof had collapsed , but one room was completely intact - a room as big as Tripp 's mother 's house , with a large window made of glass . It was the biggest piece of uncracked glass that anyone in Tripp 's town had ever seen , even Granny Aura , who had seen a lot of things . On either side of the doorway that led to the wall of gods hung faded tapestries carefully embroidered with symbols that no one remembered how to read . Uncle Sariff opened the door for Tripp , and he stepped into the temple . On his right was the window , stretching nearly the entire length of the wall . On his left was the wall of gods - every inch of its surface was covered in a strange material , white like paper and crisscrossed with black lines to form an uneven grid . Each box of the grid contained an animal , not a live animal , but not exactly a picture either . The entire wall writhed with the movement of animals scurrying or climbing , waddling or flying . A few animals slept , and others swam . Several children sat quietly on the floor , studying the gods . Tripp made no move to join them , but instead walked right next to the wall , to get a closer look at the animals . Most were familiar - birds and lizards and small mammals . A few were grander gods , that Tripp had heard of , but never seen . After all , who could collect enough paper to make a rhinoceros ? Even Tripp , only six years old , knew better than to attempt such a thing . He shook his head as he walked , dismissing each animal as too grand or too plain , too ugly or too extravagant . Then something caught his eye . A small but prickly creature , covered in black spines with white tips . It was a god he had never seen in the town . " Don 't ever touch the wall of gods . Didn 't your mother teach you anything ? " Uncle Sariff had never laid a hand on Tripp before , and though his voice was quiet out of respect for the temple , Tripp could tell that he was angry . Tripp hung his head . He should have known better . He would be banned from the temple for weeks now , maybe more . As his Uncle pulled him away , he snuck one last look at what would one day be his god . He didn 't even know what the creature was called . As punishment , Tripp was forbidden from entering the temple until four years had passed . This despite the fact that he had not actually touched the wall . He supposed he should be grateful to Uncle Sariff for stopping him , since if he had actually touched the wall he might have been banned for life . Smoke was some help to him . She was making good progress on her flamingo , and if she was feeling particularly generous she would sometimes study his god and answer his questions about some little thing . There was so much he still didn 't know , although he had finally learned his god 's name . Porcupine , his uncle said , a few months after Tripp had been banned . Some children took several visits to the temple to decide on a god , and many changed their minds early on . But Tripp was sure . It was the perfect god , all in black and white , covered in thousands of long needles . To do it properly , he would need a lot of paper . Four years passed slowly , and Tripp gathered black and white paper as best he could . He could not go to the temple and meditate on the plan for his god , but he knew that he was far short of the paper he needed . When he was finally allowed back into the temple , he sat respectfully on the floor with the other children and studied his god . His heart sank . His paltry supply of paper was nowhere near enough . Paper was hard enough to come by for children who took anything - he had spurned anything colorful , anything dirty , anything damaged or torn . Somehow he had to find more . It sounded like a waste of time to Tripp . He had planned to watch Kale assemble his god , in hopes that there would be scraps of paper that would not fit . Kale had given a scrap of paper to Autumn yesterday , when it was clear that he had no use for it . Smoke had a knack for getting him to do what she wanted . He didn 't mind , really . She wasn 't as bad as most of the other kids . Her eyes were even kind of pretty , colorless and gray . She caught him looking and made a face . " Do you want me to come or not ? " he replied . She didn 't answer . For a while neither of them moved . He wondered if there was really a lot of paper in the dead city . Finally he relented . " I get all the white , and half of the black . " Smoke was going to make a flamingo . Tripp thought it was ridiculous , but you didn 't go around questioning other people 's gods . It was a strange choice , though . Everyone else wanted the best animal , the most paper , the powerful gods . Tripp had asked Smoke once , before he was old enough to know better , why she wanted a flamingo . She 'd simply shrugged and said she thought it suited her . It took them a couple hours to get to the dead city , trudging along on the black - stone road . Smoke chattered the entire time , but Tripp didn 't pay much attention . The abandoned buildings here were bigger than the ones in his village , but fewer of them were intact . Nearly all of them had collapsed , and the ground was covered in gray rock rubble and sparkling piles of shattered glass . It was a terrible place to look for paper . He turned to tell Smoke as much , but she had vanished . He peered up and down the road . There was no way to move forward , with the mountains of debris blocking the way . There was no sign of Smoke behind him , on the road back home . " There won 't be any paper up there , " she called . Her head was poking out of what looked like a window , cut into the concrete at the bottom of a pile of twisted steel beams . " I 'm not handing over half the black if all you 're going to do is stand up there and gawk . " He squeezed himself through the window . He took a few tentative steps past Smoke and into the middle of the room . His movement triggered some technology from the time of the forsaken , and suddenly the room was lit nearly as bright as outside . He jumped backwards , bumping into Smoke in his haste to get back to the window . Smoke laughed . " Lily told me about this place , once she had enough paper . There 's a whole maze of rooms down here , and most of them still have lights ! " Smoke ran up behind him and grabbed his arm . " Sorry . Lily laughed at me the first time I came . I guess it wasn 't that funny to me , then . " She handed him a bit of chalk . " Mark your path with arrows or something , and don 't get lost . We have to meet back here in time to walk back to the village for supper , so don 't go too far . " Tripp snatched the chalk and walked briskly away . Smoke called something after him , but he ignored her . She should have warned him about the lights . It wasn 't funny . He had gone through several rooms before he realized he hadn 't marked his path . He knelt at the door he 'd just come through and drew an arrow pointing back the way he 'd come . He thought about backtracking to mark the rest of his path , but it since it was a straight line of doors he was reasonably sure he could find his way . He looked around . Like most things from forsaken times , he couldn 't make heads or tails of the room he was standing in . It was filled with machines , tall boxy things with switches and display panels . None of them appeared to be working , although Tripp wasn 't sure he 'd be able to tell if they were . Certainly they were quiet and dark , and none of them were moving . He stood on tiptoe and reached up to brush the top of one . His hand came away covered in dust . The next room had more machines , although these were more varied in shape than the previous ones . There was a table made entirely out of metal , and a cylindrical bin woven from wires . The bin was empty , but Tripp rather liked the odd container , so he stooped to pick it up , and when he bent over , he noticed a tiny strip of black along the bottom of the wall . Higher up , someone had hung a decorative piece of cloth , a quilt or a tapestry , not unlike the ones that decorated the entryway to the wall of gods . There , the wall hangings framed the door , and Tripp could see scratches on the floor where someone had moved a file cabinet to see if there was an opening next to the quilt . But whoever it was hadn 't thought to look behind the quilt itself . Tripp pried one side of the quilt away from the wall , carefully placing the metal fasteners on top of the file cabinet . When the lights came on in that next room , Tripp dropped the bin to the floor . The metal clanged against the tiles , but Tripp hardly heard it . One of the walls was lined with shelves , and one of the shelves was full of books . Books . Each with hundreds of sheets of paper inside . He had never seen one before , he 'd only heard the stories Granny Aura told . But they were unmistakable . The whole room even smelled of musty paper . It was intoxicating . " No one has been here in a long time . " Tripp had been too excited to think it through , but of course Smoke was right . At some point , this had been a holy place . Otherwise why would it be behind the quilt ? " And it 's a lot of paper . " " It doesn 't feel right to take them , " she answered . " Lily found a few loose scraps , I thought it 'd be more like that . These are books . Do you actually think you could take one apart just to get the paper out ? " Tripp marched up to the shelf and pulled down a book . He opened it , and before he had a chance to think about it , he carefully pulled on the first sheet , slightly yellowed with age , but definitely white . It came free from the book with an ugly ripping noise . He stared at the jagged - edged sheet of paper in his hand , his emotions a mixture of pride and regret . Smoke was nearly in tears . She ran from the room and out of sight . Tripp sighed . He placed the mutilated book into the wire bin he 'd taken from the other room , and then stacked several other books in with it . There were still dozens of others on the shelf , but once Tripp returned with his loot the other kids would find this place and raid it for paper . One of the books on the lower shelf caught his eye . The cover was pink , and sure enough some of the pages inside were printed with pink castles and peachy - pink butterflies . His bin was full , but he took out one of his precious black - and - white books to make room for the pink monstrosity . He wanted Smoke to have something for helping him find all the books , even if she had gone all soft once they 'd found them . The town hall was packed full of every adult in the village , and , of course , their gods . Everyone was seated in no particular order , and gods slithered or scampered or flitted about , sometimes pausing to whisper something to their humans or to each other . Children , being godless creatures , were not normally allowed in the hall , but since Tripp and Smoke had found the books , they were permitted to stay . Tripp saved the books , his and Smoke 's , until the spring before they turned twelve . He knew that Smoke had mixed feelings about the book , but he wanted her to take it . He waited to give it to her until he was sure she would need the pink paper to make her Flamingo . " I don 't want it . " Smoke stared at the book in his hand , refusing even to touch it . He should have expected her response , but he had hoped that once the other books were in the temple she 'd be more enthusiastic . He could see that she meant it . Still , there was no way Smoke would have enough paper to make the god she wanted if she didn 't take it . He didn 't want her to have an ugly patchwork god , like his mother 's . She was the only one in the village who was nice to him , and she deserved a pretty god . So Tripp took the little pink book back to his mother 's house and used a knife he borrowed from his Uncle to carefully slice out each individual page . He worked methodically , cutting a dozen or so pages at once , concentrating on keeping the cuts clean and straight . He put the pages in a neat stack . Then he looked at the cover and nearly burst into tears . He had cut the pages as close to the cover as he could , but thin strands of paper clung to the spine . When he had torn the single page from his book , it had looked much the same afterwards , once the book was closed . But this was different . The cover was empty , and it closed in on itself , mangled , hollow , incomplete . He resisted the urge to shove the papers back in . The paper would have new life in Smoke 's flamingo . How could that be wrong ? Granny Aura 's god had wanted it that way , paper was better used than sitting bound in a book . When summer finally came , Tripp and Smoke and the village 's four other twelve - year - olds buried themselves completely in the tedious task of building bodies for their gods . They all sat together in the town hall , a space too big for a group so small , and rolled and folded and smoothed their papers into shape . Adults came in to monitor their progress , and some days younger children came to watch , in hopes of a scrap of unused paper . Day in and day out the twelve - year - olds sat together in silence , their god - bodies growing larger in front of them and their piles of paper shrinking behind them . Tripp often watched Smoke work as he rolled his paper . His god was mostly quills , which required a lot of rolling . The work was mindless , once he got into a rhythm . Black quills tipped with white , roll and roll the paper tight . He packed the paper rolls close together all around his god body , rolled so tight they were sharp . His fingers were laced with tiny cuts from the rolling and pinprick dots where he 'd jabbed himself on the quills . Here and there the white paper bore stains of his blood , but his god would make its body pure , once it was summoned . It would absorb the blood and that would only serve to bind them closer . Smoke , unlike Tripp , never looked up from her god . She worked carefully , but quickly , her hands flying over her paper to shape intricate feathers in shades of peach and pink and white . Tripp had seen her god on the wall , and thought it a gangly , awkward sort of beast , but in person it looked tall and stately , with long legs and a neatly curved black beak . Even the color was not so terrible . Tripp looked for the paper that he had given to Smoke , but could not find it in among the feathers . Finally , without her flamingo to distract him , he focused on his god - body . In his inattention , he had packed his quills too close together . The effect was actually rather nice , it made the body of his god look fuller and more elaborate . But the effect on his paper supply was devastating . He had rolled far too many quills , and he had only a few dozen sheets of paper left to make legs for his god . Not nearly enough to support the over - packed quill - heavy weight of its body , and there was still a bare spot near the tail that needed more quills . He laid out his remaining sheets , trying to think what to do . There wasn 't enough time to thin the quills and unroll them and press them flat and use them for legs . There wasn 't enough paper to make four legs . Or even two . He had enough to make a single leg , and what good would that be ? He rolled his last precious sheets of paper into quills and filled in the bare patch on his god - body 's tail . He wondered if anyone had ever created such a pitiful body before , and whether anyone had ever done so poorly as to not attract a god at all . He was so absorbed in this line of thought that he didn 't notice Smoke approaching until she touched his elbow . He shook his head . He didn 't want the sort of god that would inhabit a pink - legged porcupine ; he would rather carry his god wherever it wished to go . He hoped that there was a god that would understand his choice , and be willing to inhabit a legless body . But very quickly some gods decided that they didn 't fit the bodies that were offered . Soon the air began to thin , as hundreds of gods became dozens , and dozens dwindled down to ten . Two gods were particularly intrigued by the matching geckoes of the twins , and as they were without competition , they settled in , one in each body , and their respective humans splintered off a piece of their soul to bind the god to the body and the body to themselves . Two gods wanted the patchwork rainbow crow as well , although Tripp had no idea why . It was an ugly thing , with bright and garish colors that didn 't match . They too settled their dispute , with one taking the body and the other drifting away . Neither of the losing gods even came to look at his body before leaving , and there were only four gods left . All four of them were gathered around Smoke 's flamingo , and these were more persistent or more stubborn than the others . Here , at least , Tripp could see that the god - body was worth fighting for . The flamingo was beautifully made with paper carefully matched and different shades of pink and peach scattered just right to make the body look natural . It had a subtlety that the patchwork crow lacked , that even his own god body would not have attained even had he managed to finish it . And Smoke , of course , would be a good human to have , if one were a god . When none of the gods showed any signs of leaving , Smoke approached them . She whispered something , and two gods left . Neither came to Tripp 's legless porcupine . After a long pause , Smoke selected one of the two remaining . It swooped gleefully into her flamingo , and the remaining god hovered . Slowly , sadly , it came to hang before Tripp . Tripp looked over at Smoke , but she was busy binding her god . What had she whispered , to make the first two leave ? Had she coerced this god to come to him , if it was not chosen for her flamingo ? He did not want an unwilling god , but he had little choice . It was this god or none at all , and he bound it to his pathetic legless porcupine . All Tripp 's agemates had bonded well with their gods , and they were comfortable with each other 's presence . Tripp , on the other hand , could never escape the guilt he felt for trapping a reluctant god in a legless body . It didn 't help that Porcupine was always bringing it up . He walked to the dead city , pulling Porcupine in a wagon behind him . Porcupine made a big show of moaning and groaning any time there was even a slight bump . When they passed the temple , Porcupine said , " let 's go in . I want to look at the wall . " Tripp picked up his god and carried him down through the narrow window that opened underneath the jumbled steel bars and concrete rubble . He took Porcupine through the maze of rooms until they found the door behind the tapestry , and went inside . The books were gone , of course - all taken back to the temple where they could be worshipped . " But how would I bind them ? I only have so much self , and I must use a piece to tie my god to its body . " Tripp puzzled through his thoughts , speaking them aloud . " And besides , a god can only be made in a human 's twelfth summer , and called on the last day of summer . " Porcupine snorted . " I don 't know where that started . Gods can take a body at any time , and they needn 't be bound to humans . But that 's no matter . There 'll be plenty of time for that later . First I 'll need my legs . " Tripp looked down at Porcupine , who he 'd set down on the floor . It was forbidden to add to your god body once it held a god , but was that restriction merely to make sure the children had enough paper ? For here was paper enough to make an army of gods , and Porcupine needed legs . Tripp had hoped that once Porcupine was complete he would be less whiny , but apparently complaining was simply a part of his nature . The new legs were sturdy and held Porcupine up off the ground , but there was something wrong with them - they didn 't move . In between long tirades about the sad state of his defective legs , Porcupine berated Tripp to work faster at building new gods . Tripp was going as fast as he could - after a bit of exploring they had found a short route to the surface , and now he only stopped to go up and find food , or relieve himself , or to go to the temple and study the diagrams on the wall of gods . He even slept in the library . Working like this , he could make a god in a week . Most of the books in the great library were black text printed on yellowing white paper , and the monkey was made entirely from this . From a distance he looked yellowish gray , which Tripp thought was rather unappealing . Worse , the monkey did not move . Porcupine was furious , but he insisted that Tripp keep working . " Maybe we have to go to the town hall ? " Tripp asked . " Or it 's just the wrong time . We always call the gods in the summer , and it is winter now . " " Oh , Tripp . " Smoke stood at the entryway , ignoring the many shelves of books and instead looking only at the animals that Tripp had made . Her flamingo stood behind her , craning its neck this way and that to take in the room . Tripp tried to remember . They had not returned to that room after the first time , but there would be tracks in the dust . He backtracked along their trail until he found it , leaving Porcupine behind in the room with all the books . Flamingo was circling the machine , much as Porcupine had . Then he began to peck furiously against the casing with his beak , making a frightful clanging noise that echoed through the room . The casing fell away to reveal a tangle of brightly colored wires . " It is not the way of things . One human and one god , bound together at the height of summer . What he wants will destroy the balance of the world . " " He cannot be allowed to build an army . When summer comes , the gods will take the bodies you have made , and they will remake the world to suit them . It has happened before . " Flamingo said . " What if I just destroy the other god - bodies , and stop building new ones ? " Tripp asked . He didn 't want to harm Smoke , but it didn 't seem fair to hurt Porcupine either , even if he was whiny . Tripp wanted to believe his god , but he had known all along that building the other animals was wrong . Porcupine had led him down the wrong path , and now he had to make it right . " You have to choose , Porcupine . Stay here in the library , or let flamingo break the machine ? " Tripp took apart the paper god bodies sheet by sheet , smoothing each paper and stacking it in tidy piles on the library shelves . Last of all he took back Porcupine 's legs , though he wished he could leave his god at least that much . Smoke and her flamingo watched them closely the entire time , to make sure that Porcupine did not regain his influence . Porcupine turned his attention to Tripp . " Flamingo says I must be killed , because I would have killed people . But I never killed anything . We made things , you and I . Beautiful things . We could remake them , all the grandest animals to house the most magnificent gods - " " No , Porcupine , " Tripp said . He had wanted that , once . He had spent his entire childhood dreaming of the perfect animal and the most fantastic god , but he had never meant for things to come out like this . He was surrounded by the evidence of his bad choices . Stacks of paper filled the shelves and empty book spines littered the floor . And still , in the midst of it all , was Porcupine , urging him even now to build more bodies . Tripp looked at Smoke and Flamingo , waiting quietly for him to decide . He barely knew Flamingo , and yet already he trusted Flamingo more than he trusted his own god . Or maybe he simply trusted Smoke more than he trusted himself . They both knew that Porcupine was too dangerous , and that Tripp was too easily influenced . Tripp forced himself to admit it , and to say aloud , " I 'm sorry , Porcupine . If you don 't want to stay locked away down here , we have to destroy you . " " Destroy me , then , " Porcupine said . " I have backups , stored on machines all around the world . All I will lose is this sorry excuse of a body . " Tripp walked back along the black - rock road with Smoke and Flamingo , keenly aware of his missing god . " It was my fault as much as his . I trapped him in a broken body . If he had been whole , he might have been content . " To his surprise , Smoke put her hand on his shoulder . " When the gods came on the last day of summer , I did something foolish . I saw that none of the gods had chosen your porcupine , and so many wanted my flamingo . So I asked that whichever one I didn 't choose go and be your god . " " Flamingo told me later that it wasn 't a request , but a command , " she said , " but I didn 't know that at the time . I thought I was asking . Either way , it 's my fault that your god was trapped in a broken body . Your god was so sure that I would choose him , he was willing to risk being stuck in a broken body . " Tripp wondered what it would have been like , to have Flamingo as his god . It didn 't matter , he supposed . Now he would be the only adult in the village without a god at all . " And now I 'm broken , just like Porcupine was . I lost a piece of my soul and I don 't even have a god . I don 't know why I 'm even going back . No one will want a godless man in their village . " " You destroyed your god because you knew it was the right thing to do . There will be at least some people who appreciate that . " Smoke said . She reached out and held his hand . Even before Tripp had a god , his obsession with building the perfect god had gotten in the way of his friendship with Smoke . He 'd lost his god , but regained his friend . " It isn 't right to have a godless man in our village , " Granny Aura began , and Tripp 's heart fell . He stared at the old woman . Her guinea pig grinned up at him from her feet . Granny Aura 's guinea pig , no longer able to contain itself , bounded over to Smoke and did an excited little hopping dance around her legs . Smoke smiled at Tripp , but also fanned out the paper so that he could see , in the middle of the stack , the pink paper she had offered him when all his black and white was gone . It had been available to him then , and he would have to use it now . He made another porcupine , for there had been little time to plan and a porcupine was the only body he knew that used the right amount of paper . It would be another layer to his punishment , to look each day upon the god he had once destroyed . He packed the black - and - white quills tight around its body , and used the pink paper from Smoke to make short sturdy legs . It was not as beautiful as Smoke 's flamingo , but it was whole , and when the gods came to choose their bodies , one of them selected it . At his new porcupine 's suggestion , Tripp collected all the paper from the disassembled army of gods . It was hard work , but rewarding to think that he was making up for his past mistakes . Every day for months on end , Tripp walked back and forth from the city , carrying stacks of paper in his basket made of wire mesh . He moved the paper to a small storage room in the temple , to be shared out amongst the village children . Even Uncle Sariff agreed that the paper should be put to use since the books had already been destroyed . With Porcupine 's encouragement , Tripp labored without complaint until it had all been moved - ten million sheets of paper , all in black and white . Caroline M . Yoachim is a writer and photographer living in Seattle , Washington . She is a graduate of the Clarion West Writers Workshop and was nominated for a Nebula Award for her 2010 novelette , " Stone Wall Truth . " Her fiction has appeared in Asimov 's , Lightspeed , and Daily Science Fiction , among other places . For more about Caroline , check out her website at carolineyoachim . com . You can skip to the end and leave a response . Pinging is currently not allowed . Read Nebula Nominated Fiction ! All the Flavors , by Ken Liu ( Novella , 2012 ) and delivered to you in 0 . 505 seconds using 33 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer .

A ten - year - old in Olney , 1968 . A ten - year - old in Olney , 1968 . The short pieces are in response to , and with the memory jogging of , members of the Facebook page , " You Grew Up in Olney If You Remember . . . " These pieces are first drafts that will be added to my novel in progress , " Families , " which is set in Olney in 1968 . The main characters are Steven Winthorp , age 10 , and his mother , Kate Muir . Other important characters are Steven 's friends , Tony Marino , Nancy Edwards , Ted Schwartz , and Jack Doyle . His closest friends are Jimmy , Doug , and Jeanie Harper . Steven spends a great deal of time at the Harper 's and Mr . and Mrs . Harper , Frank and Alice , are his second set of parents . Agnes McGill , is Kate and Steven 's landlord and she lives in the apartment upstairs . Helen Loetz , a graduate student at Penn , is Agnes ' niece and lives with her . Saturday , March 1 , 2014 You have to understand , my wife and I have a lot of cats . The number varies , but rarely drops below ten . These cats have a very complicated social arrangement and when one goes and another arrives , it takes awhile for the new arrangement to work itself out . Right now , we 're at the stage where blood - curling screams wake us in the middle of the night and several cats will chase each other around the house for a while . I want an uninterrupted night 's sleep so badly that I poked around on the web and came across some information on Cat Whispering . So I tried it . I 've lived with cats all my life , and until yesterday I didn 't know cats can flip you off . I knew that they can look at you like you 're a worthless speck of filth , but they actually flipped me off . Their disgust with my whispering attempts ended when they got hungry . Then it was the " nice kitty , rub your ankles " act . They can 't whisper , but the know all about conditioning . They send the two cutest ones to do the figure eights around my ankles and in five minutes the food is being dished up . Bags ? Bags are no problem . Once I got distracted and left an unopened twenty pound bag of cat food on the floor leaning against a kitchen cabinet while I went to pick up my wife at work . I was gone about twenty minutes . When we got home , the bag was lying on the floor . There were claw marks on the bottom corners of the bag . Two cats must have gabbed the corners and dragged the bag onto the floor . In the exact center of bag at the top , a neat slash had torn the bag open right down the center . Two parallel cuts across the top and bottom had opened the bag like a chest in an autopsy . The flaps were folded back and the cats had spread food over the floor and were munching away . So we switched to cans . And we swore to never take in a polydactyl cat . This worked for a while , but then four cats developed food allergies . They began losing fur on their bellies , thighs , and tails . So we did the only reasonable thing . We conducted a six - month food trial to determine what they were allergic to . They were all allergic to different things . When we isolated what we could feed safely feed all of them we were left with Kumquats and Quiona , which wasn 't as bad as it sounds , because it turns out that Purina makes Kumquat and Quinoa cat food . So I go to the pet store , park next to the owner 's Jaguar my monthly cat food and treats bill is paying for , and I ask about Purina Kumquat and Quiona cat food . He says he 's got some in the back . A few minutes later he comes out with a 20 pound bag of Purina Cat Chow . Written in red marker is " Kumquat and Quinoa . " So he looked at the bag and said , " Well , sure . At the plant . It 's somebody 's job . This is a special order mix . They use regular bags and write ' Kumquat and Quiona ' on the bag . It 's a special order . From Tangiers . Best Kumquats in the world are from Tangiers . What ? You need three ? " " I 'll be honest with you , " he says . " It 's only so - so . But the Kumquats make up for it . Best Kumquats in the world are from Tangiers . " Then I notice that the price of $ 29 . 75 is crossed out and $ 43 . 50 in written in red marker . " Whoa . Hold on there , " I said . " Why is this stuff so expensive ? " " Well , you know , it 's a special order . Kumquat and Quiona . Kumquat 's from Tangiers . Best in the world . " " Well , I mean , Tangiers is way , um , way over , ahh , you know , there . " He waved two fingers in a direction I think was NorthWest . " But the price printed on the bag is crossed out and the higher price is written over in red marker . " " Or blue sometimes , yeah . I 'm almost positive these bags are hand - labelled in Tangiers by Tangerines . Very rare these bags . You can sell the empty bags on eBay to Purina collectors . " So what could I do ? The cats had allergies and this was the food they needed . While the owner went to get two more bags , I used my phone to transfer some money into my checking account from my mom 's nursing home account . Then I made a note to transfer her to a cheaper place . I 'm sure they 've fixed up that one that was on the news last year . I loaded up the food , tossed in a dozen catnip stuffed toy mice and nine batteries for the laser pointer . Mom will understand . She had three cats in a one bedroom apartment when she had me . In the back yard , Tony , Jimmy , Doug , and Mr . Harper were gathered around a flat , brightly colored , square box . Eamon was leading Helen around the yard , stopping to pick up whatever caught his eye and handing it to her . As they walked , Helen would hold on to the gifts until her hands got too full , then she discretely emptied them behind her back . Eamon didn 't seem to mind , he was happy handing her things . " Happy Birthday , Steven , " called Mr . Harper . The boys shouted " Happy Birthday ! " in a ragged chorus . Helen scooped up Eamon and headed toward the house . " Hello , Steven . Happy Birthday ! Are Aunt Agnes and your mom inside ? " The Slip and Slide was easy to set up , but the ground preparation took a while . Mr . Harper supervised the boys who crawled in the grass , shoulder to shoulder , " policing the grounds . " Mr . Harper had served in Korea and Steven thought that he was enjoying this . Earlier that summer Mr . Harper has removed a peach tree from the center of the yard and the Slip and Slide 's path ran directly over the disturbed ground . Steven found two pieces of green glass in the disturbed soil , the edges rounded and worn smooth . He ran to the house and placed the pieces of glass by a railing post so he would see them when he was leaving and remember to take them home . The boys were quiet , focused on their task . When they found a stone or piece of debris , they would flip it toward the low , chainlink fence . There was a steady series of pings as stones hit the fence and the occasional click of a stone that cleared the fence and bounced across the concrete alley . When the boys finished , two tasks remained . Mr . Harper had noticed that the ground where the peach tree had stood had subsided . He sent Jimmy to get the shovel and toss a few shovelfuls of soil from the flower beds on the low spot . Doug was sent to get a rake and make a final pass over the path . Tony and Steven were held in reserve to stamp down the loose soil filling the low spot . When these tasks were completed and the tools put away , Mr . Harper reviewed the grounds and pronounced them satisfactory . Jimmy tore open the box and pulled out the instructions . He held them in his hand and looked at his father , uncertain what to do with them . " Toss ' em , " said Mr . Harper . " It 's a roll of plastic , for God 's sake . " Jimmy joyously wadded up the instructions and ran to the trash can to toss them away . Helen was watching the scene through the screen door . She called over her shoulder to the women in the kitchen , " You 're right , Alice . They threw them away . " Doug pulled the folded plastic sheet from the box . He held one end and Jimmy unrolled the heavy yellow plastic . Mr . Harper attached the hose and all that remained was to position the Slip and Slide . This took more debating than might appear necessary . It was finally decided that they all agreed it would point toward the house . The Harper 's yard , like most Olney yards , was narrow . The long , thin strip of plastic followed the length of the yard . The difficult question was how close to the basketball court to place the slide . The boys wanted the longest possible room for the run up to gain maximum speed before hurling themselves onto the Slip and Slide . Mr . Harper argued for maximum room to stop before sliding onto the concrete basketball court . They compromised and placed the Slip and Slide equidistant from the back of the Williams garage that marked the end of the Harper 's property and the court . Now the boys were ready to go . Steven was wearing Jimmy 's bathing suit from last year which was a little loose , but good enough . Tony had run home to change while the set up debate raged . Jimmy and Doug had changed within five minutes of their dad arriving home with the Slip and Slide under his arm . Mr . Harper went to turn on the water so the sliding could begin . Jimmy was carrying the box to the trash , when a slip of paper slid out . The women had finished carrying the food to the picnic table set up on the court . The paper drifted toward Mrs . Harper who picked it up , gave it a quick glance , and called to her husband to wait . " OK , everybody gather round , " she called to the boys . The four boys , joined by Jeannie who had changed into her suit last and had just come running down the back steps , walked over to the Mrs . Harper . They burned their bare feet as they hurried across the hot concrete to the shaded area where food was laid out . TV trays and lawn chairs were scattered about . " First we eat , " she said , in voice that although friendly , made it clear that the decision was made . Helen was watching the exchange closely . The unspoken messages between mother and son fascinated her . " And after we eat , politely , without wolfing down your food , we 'll have a look at this . " She held up the sheet of paper Jimmy had dropped . In three - inch bold print , it read " SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS . " Jimmy knew he was beaten and found a chair . Posted by " I will never be able to thank you enough for the air conditoner , Agnes , " said Kate . The shades where drawn and the cool air flowing from the bedroom was beginning to cool the small apartment . " This day has been so hot , but now we 'll be able to sleep . That reminds me . I better get a light blanket out for Steven . " Kate went to closet and dug out a blanket that had slipped behind the towels . " An air conditioner . I 'm getting spoiled . Next thing you know I 'll a TV and a car . " Kate placed the towels on the bed and returned to the living room to see Agnes leading a tall , well built man in a brown suit into the room . He looked a little wilted , he must have spent more time in heat that was good for him . " Kate , have you met Sergeant Frank Helstab ? He lives down on Rubicam . He and his wife , Ella , have lived there for years . I know his wife 's mother . Frank , this is Kate Muir . " " No , that 's fine , " said Sgt . Helstab . " I was just coming by to see how Mrs . McGill was doing . I just heard at the station that she 'd been in the hospital . " " That 's very nice of you Frank . I 'm doing fine . This morning the heat was getting to me , but I splurged and had Ray Lucas get these air conditioners for us . I don 't know why I didn 't do it sooner . " " That 's good to hear , " said Sgt . Helstab . " I 'll be sure to let Ella know . She 's been watching her sister 's kids for the the past week or I 'm sure she 'd have come by herself . " " Tell her thanks for thinking of me and she 's welcome anytime , " said Agnes . " I 'll do that , " he said , and then turned slightly toward Kate . " Mrs . Muir I 'm glad I caught you at home . I 'd like to have a word about your son . " " It 's alright , Mrs . Muir , " said Sgt . Helstab quickly , stepping past Agnes and holding up his palms to reassure Kate . She been listening to the policeman and Agnes ' talk with a polite smile that fled when he said he wanted to talk about Steven . " Is he . . . Is something wrong ? " Kate asked . Her hand 's flew to her mouth , the right grasping her fisted left hand and covering her mouth . " Everything 's fine , " said Sgt . Helstab in a quiet , reassuring voice . " I just wanted to introduce myself and have a brief word with you , if I could . " Kate realized that was holding her breath and drew in air in a shuddering gulp . " Please sit down , officer , " she said . " I sorry , you just startled me , that 's all . " " Well Mrs . Muir , I ran into your son this morning , " Sgt . Helstab said and then he told Kate about seeing Steven outside the bar . " I wanted to make sure we didn 't scare him . I also wanted you to know that he was wandering around pretty early . " " Here you are , " said Agnes , handing glasses of ice water to Kate and Sgt . Helstab . Kate 's grip slipped on the slick glass and she nearly spilled the water . " I 'm going upstairs to change for the birthday party . Call me if you need me , Kate . " " Just so I can rest easy , " said Kate . " So I remove all the mother panic that 's flared up . Steven didn 't do anything wrong , right ? " " Right . Nothing at all , " said Sgt . Helstab . " I would just be careful about his wandering around so early . This is a safe neighborhood , but no place is absolutely safe for kids . " " I 've already talked to him about that , Sergeant , " said Kate . " He won 't do it again . He was up early because of the heat and he got it in his head to see what was going on in the neighborhood early in the morning . Curiosity just got the better of him . It 's also his birthday and he 's a bit preoccupied with the usual kid birthday greediness . " Kate shrugged and shook her head slowly . Frank smiled and said as he stood to leave , " I don 't want to keep you . I just wanted to meet you and introduce myself . Steven goes to Morrison , doesn 't he ? " " Don 't worry , " said Frank smiling broadly . " We don 't have a file on him . Here 's my card . I 've written my home address and phone number on the back . I live right behind Morrison on Rubicam . My wife and I keep an eye on things around the school . I 've seen him in the school yard . We police get good at remembering faces . " " If there 's anything Ella or I can do to help with Steven , or with anything really , give us a call . Tell Steven I stopped by if you would . Sorry I missed him . I need to introduce him to my nephew , Barrett . He 's another smart kid . They 'd probably get along great . " " It was nice to meet you , Kate . Now I will be going so you can make it to Steven 's party on time . Tell him Happy Birthday from me , won 't you . " They shook hands and Kate walked Sergeant Helstab to the door . As he drove away , Kate stood in the apartment door looking at the card in her hand and thought , " His tenth birthday and the police come to talk to me about my boy . Every mother 's idea of a good time . ' Just wanted to see what was happening in the morning . ' That boy . " Shaking her head she closed the door and slipped the card in her pocket . Kate said on the sofa in the cool apartment and waited for Steven to come home . Kate mind 's drifted among memories of the ten years of Steven 's life . She realized she thought of the past decade as Steven 's life , not hers . Or rather , she couldn 't think of the past ten years of her life without thinking of him with her . On July 1st ten years ago , her life became Kate and Steven together , linked more closely than she had never imagined that day ten years ago . When Steven walked in carrying a small bag of groceries , Kate didn 't even give him time to put down the bag . She didn 't respect his often expressed desire to be treated like a big kid . Kate hugged him so tight he gasped , then kissed his forehead and both his cheeks . Steven struggled out of his mother 's embrace . He looked at her as if she 'd lost her mind . " Why 'd you do that ? " he asked . The first of July was a Monday and so the people of Olney started the workweek . At the breakfast table , what talk there was turned to the heat that was already overwhelming the window fans in the kitchen . On Sunday night , the weather reports warned that highs would be in the upper nineties . By 7 : 00 a . m . , warm air had already muscled aside the lingering coolness of the night . People going to work planned ways to escape the heat as best they could throughout the work day . Women who stayed at home , decided to put off the laundry and vacuuming until tomorrow . The kids wondered if anyone would turn on the fire hydrants . Usually , Steven stayed up late and slept through the morning , but the heat wouldn 't allow him to sleep and by 7 : 00 a . m . he was on front step , breakfast eaten , ready to go . The sun in the cloudless sky beat down on the cars lining 4th Street . Many had been washed and waxed over the weekend and they gleamed in the angled rays of the swiftly rising sun . Kate was upstairs eating breakfast with Agnes and Helen , but she 'd worked all night and would soon be sleeping . Steven hoped the fan in her bedroom would cool the room down enough to let her sleep . Steven rarely left the house before nine or ten , by which time Olney was quiet . Most men and more women than people realized had already gone to work . He decided to take a walk and see what Olney at seven in the morning was like . As he wandered through the familiar streets , he noticed that men had replaced the usual crowd of women and children . They walked purposefully out of their doors often glancing at their watches to see if they were on time or if they had to rush through the heat that seemed to build by the minute . Steven felt his arms tingle , a warning that Summer 's first sun burn was beginning . Steven saw people he knew and people he only recognized . As he walked , some greeted him by name and asked after his mother or Mrs . McGill . A few ran a quick hand over his crew cut and made a little joke . Others walked by with a nod in his direction or , preoccupied with thoughts of work , without any sign that they were they shared the sidewalk with a young boy who should be home at this hour . Steven bobbed along aimlessly , a random element in the regular pattern of people tracing their daily path to work . On 3rd Street , the Henkel 's walked to the train station for the short ride to Reading Terminal and from there the brief walks to their downtown office towers . Mr . Schmidt loaded the last case of samples of safety equipment into his station wagon and drove off to his first sales call . Mr . Levin , a teacher at Morrison elementary , woke up at the usual time , and , enjoying his summer vacation , sat on the porch with a cup of coffee and a novel . Over on 2nd , Mr . Harper dropped his wife at the bank , then drove to the truck terminal to pick up his steel hauler . By 8 : 30 a . m . he 'd be at a mill picking up a load of steel beams to haul to a building site in Jersey . The men who worked in factories dreaded these hot days . The few fans on the plant floor did little more than push around the hot air . By afternoon the smell of oil and sweat would pervade the factory floor . Men would be trapped between the heat from the line and heat from the open skylights . Knowing this , knowing this day would bring would bring eight hours of sweaty , exhausting labor , the men went to work , because it was Monday and on Monday you went to work . Mr . Marino rode the bus to the Westinghouse factory across from the Silver Rocket diner . Mr . Doyle left before sunrise in his Rambler to drive to Bucks County and the Wheeling Steel plant . Everyday was a day of fire and heat for him . Mr . Schneider drove to a machine shop in Germantown . He 'd work with doors and windows open , a small fan mounted on his die press . The Lewis brothers met at the 26 bus stop to go to the Bulletin 's printing presses . The heat in the press rooms would be horrible . Jack Mitchell was already loading his delivery van at Whiting Paper . He 'd broken a sweat and it wasn 't even 8 : 00 a . m . yet . John Kinney walked to a friend 's , who drove him Philadelphia Gear , where they both worked . They decided to go to the air conditioned diner across the street for lunch . Mr . Ruch was on his way to Western Electric . He hoped the new exhaust system he 'd help install would cool the plant at least a little . Mr . Bryant waited outside the gates of French 's to get a last breath of fresh air before entering the factory , while Mr . Modesta finished his last cigarette before walking through the gates at Crow Cork and Seal Co . Eugene McGovern checked his pockets for his notebook where he 'd sketched an improvement he want want to try out on a new valve his team was working on , then he headed to the Boulevard for the slow drive to Combination Pump and Valve shops . Mr . Coyle was in for a long hot day on the Budd line and was dreading it , as was Mr . Bremme over at Heintz . They were both wondering what it would like to slip away and spend the afternoon wThe dimly lit , high - ceiling , open spaces of the sanctuary were cool on this hot Monday morning , as Mr . Renier crossed the street from his house to start custodial work at Olney Pres . Definitely a good day to clean and polish the altar furniture , he thought . Other men who built and repaired the city , painters , builders , plumbers , handy men , roofers , and electricians unlocked their garages and checked their notes for their first job of the day . They 'd restock their trucks , made of list of the materials they needed to buy , then pulled out and headed to their jobs . Mr . Pahlke had a plastering job across town in a library . He was pretty sure it was air - conditioned . Mr . Fletcher had a big job at a building site in Jenkintown . He was pouring the concrete for a grocery store foundation . He wanted to get the job done before the worst heat set in . Mr . Minnick repaired boilers and spent his days in heat and grime that would wilt most people . He was finishing up a job left over from last week , and , as it was summer , the boiler room would be warm , but not stifling . He was so accustomed to the heat , he wouldn 't have complained no matter the temperature . Mr . Brady was building a deck in Mayfair , but if it got as hot as he 'd heard it going to get , he 'd knock off early . The deck was in the full sun all day long and the last thing he needed was sunstroke . Steven walked past the post office on 4th and Olney . He walked up 4th , automatically following the shade of the overhanging trees , past Mr . McMenamin , George Codrick , and Mr . McKinley who were taking a break . They 'd been working since 5 : 00 a . m . , and were talking about how hot it was already in the sorting room . Mr . Liss maneuvered his bag around the men , gave them a wave , and started on his route . He wore shorts , a short sleeve shirt , and a pith helmet , but by the time he 'd walked a block , his shirt was stained with sweat were the heavy bag rested on his back and shoulder . Walking past Taylor 's bar , Steven was surprised to see the door standing open and men sitting around the large , round center table . The only light came from dim bulbs that lit the bottles on the shelves behind the bar and through the small windows high in the front wall . Steven didn 't know that Ed O ' Brien , a retired cop who tended bar , opened the doors at 7 : 00 a . m . for the Monday morning group . Friends since high school at Oleny High , Sergeant FJ Helstab , Lt . Marters , Patrolman Sprigg , and Firefighter Neal drank coffee and ate donuts O ' Brien picked up on 5th Street on his way in to work . " It 's going to be near a hundred out there today . You remember last summer ? Every time it got hot the crazies were on the streets smashing windows and starting fires , " said Lt . Marters . " You watch yourself out there , Sprigg . " " It would have to me real bad , " said Lt . Marters . " FJ and I have murders to clear up . The street is for you blues . Although if FJ keeps clearing cases on his own , he 'll get me sent to streets with you . " " And you be careful , Neal , " said Segeant Frank Helstab . " They shot at firemen last year , as I 'm sure I don 't have to remind you . I 'm worried what we might get this summer . " " You don 't need to remind me , " said Neal , pouring himself a second cup of coffee . " Least summer a bullet just missed me . Punched a nice neat hole right through the door of the engine . " " Keep ducking , " said Helstab , as he and Marters rose to leave . " I don 't want to have to track down some idiot that put a hole in you . We 've got enough work with the gang boys killing each other faster than we can count ' em . And Sprigg , you tell the guys to go easy with the people . Stupid stuff on days like this can blow up real fast . " " Easy , Ed , " said Helstab . " I 'm not talking about you . You know your job . I reminding me to help out the guys who think with their fists . " " It 's a crazy world , that 's for sure , " said O ' Brien , carrying the empty pot to the sink . " You 'd think a hot day like this , people would get out of the sun , have a cold drink , and take it easy , but these days people start running around smashing and grabbing and shooting . Crazy , crazy world . Didn 't used to be like that . " Returning to the table with a fresh mug of coffee , O ' Brien noticed Steven watching them through the open doorway . " This kid belong to anybody ? " asked O ' Brian jerking his thumb toward Steven . " It 's a little early for your wives to be sending your kids to fetch you guys . " Steven was transfixed by the men sitting in the shadowy bar . It was like watching a movie or a TV show , but the men on the screen had noticed him and spoken to him . He was caught off guard and didn 't know how to respond . He recognized the man who told him to go home , but he wasn 't sure where he 'd seen him . Detective Helstab snapped his fingers , startling Steven from his reverie and he began running down Tabor toward 5th Street . Lt . Marters and Sgt . Helstab stepped out into the light and walked over to the department car parked in the shade of a large maple . " You know the kid ? " asked Marters . " Yeah , he lives a few blocks up the street on 4th with his mom , " said Helstab . " Dad 's dead . The guys at the station on 4th look out for her at night . She works nights and rides the bus to work . She 's all right . " " Don 't know . He 's a smart kid , one of those watchers who 's always thinking . Doesn 't miss a thing , from what Al tell 's me . He was probably just curious , wondering why the bar door was open in the morning . I 'll drop by and talk to his Mom tonight on my way home . " Steven slowed to a walk when he realized that there was no reason to run . He was embarrassed that he 'd been caught spying on the men , but the scene in the bar had caught . Steven was only beginning to realize that with so much of his life spent among women , scenes like the men in bar were an attractive view into another world . As he walked , the men in suits drove past him . The car didn 't slow , but the man in the passenger seat , the man who 'd snapped his fingers , turned to look at Steven . The man and the boy held each other 's glance , then the man gave Steven a slight nod and turned away . Steven followed the car down Tabor toward 5th . The made a right and Steven lost sight of it . Along the way he passed corner stores and barber shops open for business , the owner 's wives upstairs getting the children ready for the day . On 5th street , newsstands and pretzel sellers had already set up shop on the sidewalks . At Ferracco 's Edward Burke had propped the front and rear doors open to try and draw a breeze through the shop . He was at the work bench carefully sharpening Mrs . Umkauf 's favorite pair of pruning shears , the ones she used on her roses . Delis and restaurants were open . Shopkeepers were checking their wall clocks while they prepared their stores for the nine o ' clock opening . At Walker 's deli , Mr . Blitchford , who owned a used car lot on Frankford Ave . , was watching Steven walk past his dark green Olds 88 . He sat in the window so he could watch his car . He didn 't trust kids near his car since someone had keyed the driver side of his ' 63 Lincoln Continental . He was having breakfast like he did every Monday with some of the guys from his softball team . Mike McKee , a union rep for the Painters and Allied trades , wasn 't very talkative today . He was preoccupied with a grievance he was filing that afternoon . Tom Gold had a city job in South Philly , and always had to leave first to catch the trolley down 5th . Ralph Kleinworth was worrying about his wife 's illness . Her mother was looking after her and the kids . He was a guard at the Franklin Arsenal . He planned to get a air conditioner at Sears on the way home so his wife would be as comfortable as possible . Blitchford was trying to sell a Chevy convertible to McKee . " Come on , Mike . I know how it works in the Union . There 's always money laying around for a guy with his eyes open . " In mid morning old , flatbed trucks and the occasional horse drawn cart would slowly roll through Olney , the driver calling " Strawberries , Blue Berries . " Housewives would flag him down to buy fruit and produce . Most of the drivers were Italians from South Philly carrying on the family business of their fathers and grandfathers in Palermo , Napoli , or Sicily . In the homes , women would clear away their husbands ' dishes , feed the children , then begin the chores that would occupy them until it was time to prepare dinner . Most women had a schedule for the week and often their schedules intersected with their neighbors ' and friends ' so they might go grocery shopping together or visit over the fence while hanging their laundry to dry . In a few houses the families didn 't move in the regular rhythm . Sometimes dad was out too late at the bar and couldn 't go to work . Maybe he missed too much work and had lost his job . Sometimes mom would drink once she was alone and the chores would go undone and the kids would scrounge their own meals and the family would crumble . These houses always had the blinds drawn and the doors closed . By the early afternoon , the heat and the booze would have put the drinkers to sleep . The kids would play quietly , careful not to wake their unpredictable mom or dad . On American Street near Clarkson , a repair crew was tearing up the street . The men were covered in sweat and stopped every few minutes to mop their faces with sodden handkerchiefs . From the stench rising from the trench , Steven thought they might be working on the sewer . He wondered if all the men he 'd seen going to work today would be as hot as these guys . He didn 't know that some of the men in the Olney never worried about the heat . Mr . Lockett and Mr . Cunningham worked with computer systems . There only concern about the weather was a black out that would knock out the cooling systems protecting the valuable machines . Ray Johnson was a butcher at the A & P warehouse . The cutting room was kept in the 40 's year round . Mr . Luczejko worked for Kraft Dairies making ice cream . Heat was no problem at the ice cream factory . The men of Ma Bell had other concerns . They 'd been told that it looked like a record breaking day . It might hit 100º . Mr . Schwemmer , Mr . Bowie , and Mr . Hunter read the note about the heat on the bulletin board , then drove to their designated switching stations to watch for overheating circuits . Mr . Bowie called his friend , Mr . Speaker , at Philadelphia Electric to try and get a head 's up about any anticipated power problems . Steven glanced at the bank clock and decided to go home . He was thirsty and a little tired . He might be able to sleep for a while on the sofa before the living room heated up . By then , the Harper 's should be done with their chores and he could go to their house and see what was going on . Mr . and Mrs . Harper had offered their yard for his birthday party . Steven was curious to she if it had been fixed up special for him . He didn 't expect it would be , but it might . It was raining on the first day of summer vacation in 1968 . A boy sat on the steps of a small apartment building , considering his possibilities . He was tossing a pimple ball in the air with one hand and catching in with the other . He caught it most of the time , but when he missed , the ball would hit the steps and bounce off in one direction or the other , and the boy would throw himself after the ball , trying to catch it before it hit a parked car or bounced into the street . A clean catch was worth a point . If he missed the ball , and it hit a car , he lost two points . If the ball made it to the street , he lost three . If he caught the ball on one or two bounces , he lost only one point . If he caught the ball with his left hand , he added five points . ( He was trying to get better using his left hand . ) He 'd been playing since 9 : 30 and his score was 119 . He decided to play until he reached 150 . He had to do something until after lunch , because his friends , Jimmy and Doug Harper , had to do chores in the morning and weren 't allowed out to play until after lunch . The boy felt strange playing step ball on a rainy day , but this storm was strange . He had never seen rain like this . The boy liked thunderstorms and wild , windy downpours . If a storm was coming from the east , it would slam against the rear of the apartment and he could sit , his legs pulled up against his chest , under the small aluminum awning that protected a little rectangle of concrete in front of the west facing front door . From this dry spot , he could feel the wind swirling around him and look north up the hill toward Olney Avenue , through the tunnel of interlaced branches created by the huge sycamores and maples that lined the street . He liked the way the sycamore leaves would be tossed about by the wind , their wet , silvery backs shimmering in the shadows cast by the storm clouds . This storm wasn 't really a storm at all . There was no wind , not even a zephyr ( a word he had learned recently from a book on Greek mythology he 'd found in the library . ) The gentle rain fell straight down , like a curtain on a still evening , to the west as far as he could see , bouncing off the cars in the bank parking lot across the street and soaking the houses on Lawrence Street . The gentle rain stopped in the middle of 4th Street . He sat on completely dry steps , the sun warm on his thin , pale white legs that had only been given the freedom of shorts that morning . He 'd seen sun showers , but this was different . Across the street , it was dark and wet , like you 'd expect during a rainstorm . He could see edges of the clouds that ran to the north and south up and down 4th Street . He shoved the ball in his pocket when he reached 150 points , and turned his full attention to the rain . The boy decided the weird storm must mean something . He had learned the word " omen " from a book of Celtic folktales and legends his fourth grade teacher had given him on the last day of school . That had been on Friday . He had devoured the book over the weekend , reading it late into the night , as there was no need to get up early the next morning . Mrs . McGill didn 't mind , as long as he was reading " good books , " which meant he had to wait until she fell asleep before slipping the comic books and Mad magazines from their hiding place under the sofa . For these two days , the magazines lay untouched , as Steven was lost in Niall of the Nine Hostages , Finn MacCool , Cuchulainn , and Sweeney , the madman . These stories were filled with omens , so this strange rain , he decided , must be an omen that foretold the events of this summer , the summer of 1968 . If nothing else , he would turn ten in two weeks , on July 1st , and while that wasn 't strange , it that would make this summer special . He wondered if there was magic behind the rain , but a quick look up and down 4th Street and a consideration of the people that lived in the apartments , row homes and duplexes didn 't suggest anyone magical lived nearby . There was the old house around the corner on Third , the one that all the kids knew as " The Witch 's House , " but he knew that the bent and gray lady who lived there wasn 't a witch . She was just Mrs . Umkauf , an old lady who was too weak and sick to go out or to keep her small front garden neat and tidy . He knew this because when his Mom had found out that he was shooting dried peas at her windows through straws with some other kids , she had taken him to the house , introduced him to Mrs . Umkauf , and arranged for him to clean up her yard for her and to go back every other week to keep it clean . His mother refused to let Mrs . Umkauf pay him , although she offered a dollar a week . The other kids still thought she was a witch , but it 's hard to convince yourself of that when you sit in her kitchen every other Saturday morning , eat a piece of cake or two with a cold glass of milk , while the witch told you stories about her long dead husband and her boys killed in WWII . No , Olney was not a magical place , no matter how hard the boy tried to make it so . But then , what about the weird rain ? The boy finally decided that rain had to stop somewhere . He knew that it could not be raining everywhere at once . You could tell that from the weather maps on the news . He 'd been on buses and in cars as they drove in and out of rainstorms . He decided that this time he just happened to be at the right spot to see the edge of the storm . Could that be the omen ? This being in the right spot ? This seemed the only reasonable solution . He didn 't want to give up on the idea of an omen appearing to him because of the great stories in the Celtic book . He decided the rain was an omen , but he had no idea what it meant . He wasn 't ready to give up on the possibility of magic , but he couldn 't just ignore the answers that made sense . It was like when he was younger and trying to sleep in Mrs . McGill 's living room . He 'd lie awake staring at weird shadows on the walls and ceiling . He 'd be frightened , until he could find what had made the shadow , perhaps the street light shining through the waving lace curtains , and then the monster would be gone , and he couldn 't see it again . Once he realized the monster was the shadow of a Hummel , he could only see the Hummel 's shadow , never again the monster . The loss of the monster left him feeling safer , and a little sad . 1968 could use some magic . It had started with the Tet Offensive in Vietnam , and every night Steven would watch Walter Cronkite grimly report the casualties , the reporters 's face growing more lined and drawn each bloody day . In April , the Rev . Martin Luther King , Jr . was killed and riots erupted all over the country . Steven and his mother didn 't own a TV , but they watched the coverage on Mrs . McGill 's color cabinet model in the upstairs apartment . Steven 's guts were tied in knots as watched the anger exploding in flames , overturned cars , shattered windows . He kept glancing out the window , expecting to see rioters running down 4th street . Mrs . McGill saw Steven 's distress and said , " Don 't worry , son . Rizzo knows how to handle rioters . " Steven remembered the picture in the papers of Frank Rizzo , the Police Chief , leaving a formal dinner of some kind , his tuxedo jacket unbuttoned over his solid belly and thick chest , a nightstick jammed in his cumberbund , fury darkening his pocked face , striding forth to do battle in the streets . Steven knew Mrs . McGill 's remark was meant to calm him , but that picture , that explosive anger heading out onto the streets , upset him as much as the pictures of rioters on TV . Early that June , Robert F . Kennedy was killed in the kitchen of a hotel in California where he was speaking . Steven saw the murder on TV . The next day , his teacher suddenly broke into tears and walked out of the room . The children , even the trouble makers , sat quietly and waited for her to return . She was gone about ten minutes , and when she returned her eyes were red rimmed . She spoke haltingly to the class about the Kennedy family for a few minutes , then had everyone put away their things . For the last hour and half of the day , she read to the class from Treasure Island . For years afterward , whenever a TV show was interrupted for a news update , Steven 's guts would twist and his jaw would clench . " OK , Mrs . McGill , " called Steven , his voice matching her whispered tone . Jumping to his feet , he gently opened the aluminum screen door , holding it carefully to keep it from banging while he pushed the heavy front door . He closed them with a learned delicacy at odds with his natural inclination to slam doors , to do all things at full speed , heedless of what he was doing at the moment , his mind driving his body to speed up , speed up , to get to the next thing . Juke Box ( from " Families " ) They stopped at a diner called the Silver Rocket on the way home . The walls were covered with pictures from NASA , and model spaceships filled a rack that ran the length of one wall . The strip of linoleum that ran down the center aisle was a pattern of moon and stars . They slid into the booth and Steven passed out the plastic covered menus . Before ordering , Steven instantly began flipping the shiny silver levers attached to the cards with the song titles inside the little juke box on the end of the table . Whenever they came here , Steven made sure they had nickels to play songs . Today he 'd forgotten , but between the three of them they came up with seven nickels . Steven suggested that they take turns picking songs . It was agreed that Steven would go first . Before Steven picked his first song , he calculated that whoever went first would get three choices , the others only two . He kept this fact to himself . After all , he hadn 't asked to go first . He had almost decided on his first song , when the waitress arrived and he ordered what he always ordered , an open faced roast beef sandwich with gravy on the mashed potatoes , and mixed vegetables . He returned to his musical consideration while his mother and Helen ordered their meals . " There 's a surprise , " said Kate , as the opening chords crunched the air . " Remember , Steven , the rules are you can 't play any song more than once . " She turned to Helen and said , " Once he played this song four times in row . When it began for the fourth time , the manager unplugged it and dropped a nickel on Steven 's plate . A few people cheered . " They laughed , even Steven laughed , and Kate was pleased to see that he had calmed down . It was Helen 's turn next . She spun through the songlist and asked Steven to select A4 , " Jumping Jack Flash . " " I saw the Stones in London a few years ago . They were great . " Helen rose to Kate 's defense . " That 's Louis Armstrong , one of the greatest musicians alive . " She could see that he wasn 't impressed . " She could have picked E9 . " Steven flipped the cards and found E9 . " Yuck , " said Steven . " ' Yummy , Yummy , Yummy . ' That song is so stupid . My friend , Doug loves that song and it is so stupid . " Helen was drinking water and almost choked . " ' Mony , Mony ' ? " said Helen through her laughter . " ' Jump down , turn around , Mony , Mony ' . I don 't think Einstein wrote that one , Steven . " " What I meant was that ' Mony , Mony ' is a pretty silly song , " explained Helen . Steven looked surprised . " No it isn 't , " he said . Steven looked puzzled , uncertain how to take Helen . " Steven , I 'm playing with you , " Helen said . " If you 're going to dish it out , you have to learn to take it . " Before he could speak , she said , " A4 , ' Sunshine of Your Love . ' Cream . Three guys and whole lot of sound . That 'll blow away any tinny , little Mony echoes . " Steven groaned as he pressed B10 . He looked at the last nickel on the table and a surprising idea fired through his brain . He considered it and decided that he might as well . " Go ahead , Helen , " he said . " Take the last pick . " Kate shot her eyebrows in surprise . " We have a gentleman here , " said Helen . " I tell you what . I 'll pick a song , but if either of you don 't like it , just say so , and I 'll pick something else . " Their food arrived and Kate and Steven began to eat while Bobby Goldsboro suffered and Helen made the final selection . " C3 ' Sitting on the Dock of the Bay . ' A little soul for our supper . " Neither Kate nor Steven was familiar with the song , but Helen assured them that they would like it . They 'd finished their meal before the song played , but Helen insisted they order dessert so that they 'd hear it . They were finishing their ice cream as Otis Redding was whistling his lost and lonely way to the end of the song . " Wow , " said Kate softly . Steven asked if he could break his only dime so they could play it again . After the second time through ' Dock of the Bay , ' they rode the trolley home down 5th Street . Steven convinced Helen and Kate to get off one stop early , so they could stop at Getlin 's records . Helen had insisted on buying the single for Kate and Steven . On the way home , they whistled the coda , Helen coaching them when they drifted . " Otis died in a plane crash last December , " said Helen . " He was only twenty - four or twenty - five . So sad . " The whistling stopped . When Kate entered her apartment and called to Steven , he didn 't answer . He was sitting by the front window , watching uninterestedly as a father from up the street was teaching his son to drive in the nearly empty bank parking lot . The car must have had a stick , because it jerked and hopped across the lot , as the kid struggled with the clutch . Kate ran her hand over Steven 's bristles and he pulled his head away . Kate wasn 't sure if he was ready to hear about her losing her job . She decided to begin slowly and see how he responded . " Steven , " Kate said , " I know it was a bad ride home . " " I 'm glad you finally got some sleep , " said Kate . " I 've been very worried about how little sleep you 've gotten lately . " He kept watching the unsuccessful driving lesson . " Steven , can you look at me , please , " she asked softly . Steven waited , then slowly turned around . Kate expected him to look angry or anxious , but he looked hurt . Kate realized that , in her distress , she may missed something , so she asked , " Steven , what 's the matter ? " Steven glanced back at the bucking car . The father now had his left arm extended and jammed against the dash . The window was rolled down so his right arm could be wedged between the door panel and roofline . Kate waited for Steven to speak , frustrated that she couldn 't seem to do anything right . " Jimmy and Doug are going over to Somerville Avenue today . All the kids over there are riding their bikes to Burlholme Park , " he said in a soft voice barely above a whisper . " I called Jimmy because I felt good this morning and wanted to do something , but now I can 't . " Kate winced . Steven didn 't have a bike . She 'd knew he wanted one , and she 'd saved to buy him one , but something always came up , the money always had to go somewhere else . To be honest , things had been so tight for so long , that when she had enough money to buy a bike , she hesitated , holding on to the money for the emergency that she knew was always right around the corner . There was no way to explain all these things to Steven . Maybe someday , but not now , when he was feeling left out and lonely . Money was her problem , not his , and she tried to protect him from it . " I 'm sorry you can 't go with your friends , Steven . I wish there was a way . " Helen came downstairs and stood on the open doorway . " I 've got an hour until I have to get ready . I thought I 'd see what you and Steven were up to . " " Come in , " said Kate , relieved to have escaped the awkward discussion . She hoped that Helen would cheer Steven up . Helen saw Steven looking out the window . " What 's going on , Stevie ? " she asked . " Look out for the wall ! " yelled Steven . He glanced at Helen and said , " Some guy 's trying to teach his kid to drive . " Helen leaned over and rested her elbows on the window sill . " Ouch ! Mixed up the clutch and brake , " she said . " That can throw you clear through the windshield . " " That 's the end of what I hope was the first lesson , " said Helen . The father started the car , but was so flustered , he popped the clutch and killed it . Furious swearing faintly reached the open window of the apartment , as the starter ground and the father roared past the apartment . The show over , Helen and Kate sat down . Helen sprawled on the sofa , her legs stretched out . Steven hopped over her ankles on the way to the kitchen to get some lemonade . " I wonder what Edward wants , " said Helen to no one in particular . " Do you have any idea ? " asked Kate . " No , not for sure , but I get the feeling that I 'm wearing out my welcome at Edward 's , " said Helen . " It must be that . I had no idea it would me take this long to find a place . I keep being distracted by things at Penn . And then Aunt Agnes went in the hospital . I think I 'll stay here a while , if Aunt Agnes doesn 't mind . It 'll be easier to visit her . Then I 'll have to go home to Norristown and drive into Philly a couple of times a week , until I can find a place to rent near Penn . It 'll only be for the summer . I have to be settled by the time classes start . " " As long as she 's in the hospital , at least , " replied Helen . " I can get around easily by bus and train from here . My car is the garage in Norristown . I 'll leave it there until I need it . " They talked a while about cars , the Phillies , and school , Penn and Morrison , Steven 's school . After about an hour , Helen excused herself to get ready for lunch . Posted by These short pieces are in response to , and with the memory jogging of , members of the Facebook page , " You Know You Lived in Olney If You Remember . . . . " They will be placed in chapters of the novel I 'm writing called , " Families . " The first three chapters are available online ( for free ) in iTunes . Follow by Email

I haven 't thought about this person for almost three years . I probably have forgotten about the existence of this person . Busy life and who has time to think about others when they are just chance acquaintances ? This call was a pleasant surprise for me and cheered me up . So I thought of writing a quick note here hoping it will cheer you up too and also helps me to update this blog . Seemingly self - boasting though . I was working in a company in 2010 and there was a stall which sold corn in our cafeteria . There was a boy working at that stall and he was in his late teens probably . He was sincere , polite , and always had a smile on his face . I became friends with him and he always treated me well . I usually do a lot of small talks with people to understand their lives . This is more out of curiosity than anything else . I wasn 't doing this before I started writing . Writing has in a way inspired me to understand different people and their lives . He told me that he moved to Hyderabad for an year to earn money to pursue his studies . He told me about where he stayed and with whom he stayed . One day he looked concerned that the corn stall was going to be given to some other vendor and he may not find a good job again . But luckily that din 't happen and he was so happy and I still remember his excitement . One day he told me that he was moving to his home - town as he earned enough money to continue his studies . I was very happy to hear that . I honestly do not remember now how much money I gave him but I gave him what I thought would help him at least to buy his books and stuff . He tried his best to not to take that money . I had to convince him a lot before he accepted . Then I just remembered this guy after almost three years . I had no clue what to talk , but I quickly realized that I must have hurt him by not recognizing . That was one thing he must have feared when he called me . I said sorry and told him I was confused as I know other people with same name . Then he told me sorry that he never called me as he lost my number . He told me that he finally found the paper on which he wrote my number . He thanked me for helping him at that time and said he just called me casually and he is continuing his studies . He told sorry a lot of times and asked me if I thought bad about him as he never called . I told him I never felt bad and I told him that I was really happy that he called me . I hope he gets what he deserves in his life . I am going to call him soon . And it 's only at times like these that we feel grateful to the things that life has quite generously blessed us with . Everything that we take for granted are still dreams for a lot of people . I really hope this guy gets a good living for all his hard - work and sincerity . Wish him the best . Inspired to write more frequently by the positive feedback that I got for my last post , I have decided to complete this short story which was in my drafts from quite some time . I hope you like reading it . Please use comments section to send me your feedback . I hate summers . I hate summers like everyone else in Hyderabad . One thing that I particularly hate about it is that the day starts early . The rays of the Sun fell on my face through the open window as if the Sun was waiting sincerely all the night to wake me up like an alarm clock . Like every other day , I woke up from my bed , put on my spectacles , walked up to the hall and picked up the news paper . Like every other day , I opened the astrology page and started reading what was in store for Capricorn . " This is your day . You may receive some good news at the office today . You are likely to get more involved in work . A friend may surprise you . A romantic dinner is around the corner to make this a perfect day . " Like every other mother , my mother woke up well before I did and prepared the most delicious breakfast and lunch . She is proud that her little daughter is now a big software engineer in an even bigger software company . This I call , the text book definition of an Indian middle - class dream coming true . Children settling as software engineers , doctors , and for some lucky few , IAS or IPS officers in the government . I messaged Deepa to wait for five more minutes before she starts and knowing me well that five more minutes is always ten more minutes , she honked in - front of our home after fifteen minutes . The mad city traffic already started . I told her sorry a couple of times without really meaning it . We knew each other for a long time to really mean a sorry or a thank you . Midway through the day , there wasn 't any good news . I went for an early lunch as Monday lunches usually are interesting with people discussing what they did during the weekend . Rupa , with her never ending and unbelievably soup - serial - type domestic troubles with her newly - wed husband and her in - laws , bored me like she always did . I hurried through my lunch , part because I was in no mood to listen to her troubles and also I did not want my manager to nag me more to finish the work . It was seven in the evening when I finished the work that my manager wanted . It was then I called Deepa to see when she is starting home . Unfortunately , she started already and told me that she texted me which I missed seeing . When I saw the same news paper at the entrance , I remembered what I read in the morning . A romantic dinner is around the corner . Really ! There wasn 't any good news still . But the monkey inside me imagined that I may meet a guy at the dinner and may be that would make a good ending to a boring day . I hurried through my dinner thinking same old thoughts and shamelessly glancing at that guy a couple of times while he quite proudly and possessively fed his girlfriend with a spoon . I hate public display of affection for some weird reason . It was nine in the night and I could officially use a cab that my company provides for free . Everything happened as it was written . I heard a good news , but not for me . I had a surprise from my friend , Deepa , but it wasn 't pleasant . Romantic dinner was around the corner and I was a spectator . I was exhausted from a couple of hours of drive on the Hyderabad roads . My most awaited Saturday was spoiled after I got into an argument in the evening with traffic cops when they misbehaved . I gave up knowing well it 's useless to argue further , quickly came out of the ego trip , and started my car cursing India and The world in general . I drove to Paradise restaurant for a Biryani take - away for dinner . On the way back I stopped my car near a traffic - signal . A boy came near me asking for money and started knocking on the car window . Most of us learned to ignore and look away . I confess I do ignore many times even though I feel bad . My food parcel was on the front passenger 's seat and that kid pointed his finger at it . I do not like giving money . But how could I possibly ignore when he is asking food that 's already a hand stretch away from me ? I lowered my window and asked him to cross the road and wait near a Pizza shop . Realizing he might not know what a Pizza is , I told him to stop near a shop where people are eating and the shop 's board is in blue colour and there is a bus stop nearby . I was not willing to give my Biryani take - away as I was lazy to go back and get one more . I went near the pizza shop and waited for five minutes . And many thoughts crossed my mind . Why din 't I take him in my car ? What if he comes after I leave ? Why do I not do this every day but why today ? Did he really believe me ? What if I leave and he comes and thinks I cheated him ? I forgot my obsessive thoughts about my fight with the traffic cops . I waited for five minutes and couldn 't find the boy anywhere near the shop . I thought he din 't trust me . But I started walking towards the signal hoping I would find him . I saw him with a girl and they were running towards me . But they ran past me as he din 't recognize . I called him and they stopped . All smiles on their faces . I was happy to see him . What surprised me was that he brought this girl , whom I assumed his friend . When I saw the girl with him , two words came to my mind : best friends . If he came alone , I probably wouldn 't have written about the incident here . A little while later he tells me that she is his younger sister . I ordered some pizza and pasta but the cashier made a mess out of my payment as he over - swiped my card by ten times and that delayed my order . And then came another surprise that I least expected . I was thinking they would jump straight into the yummy pizza . The girl took the box and both stood up . They wanted to take it to their mother and eat with her . Knowing well this can be a wrong excuse , I told them if they don 't eat with me , I will take the food away . I convinced them for five minutes before they ate one slice each . Then few more minutes of convincing to eat half a slice each and kept one slice for their mother . And I told they can take Pasta box and eat at home - if they had one . I spoke to them while they ate and they looked to be totally free from the worries of future . They got a pizza to eat tonight and they are happy till the next day morning before they go on finding food again . They told me that everyday they find food randomly . The boy said he is educated till fifth standard and can read numbers . I asked him to tell me when the waiting counter shows 330 . He was repeating all the numbers as they changed . I was expecting to see him excited when he reads 330 . But to my disappointment the waitress gave the box to me before the number was displayed . The boy tells me about their parents and where they sleep everyday . And all the time he was smiling . I was wondering those innocent smiles are going to disappear from their faces soon . When they grow little older , they realize that they can 't smile any more . They know the world they live in is not a place that can make them smile forever like this . But then they were smiling like there is no tomorrow . And that left me to thinking how often do we smile like them ? I started my car with the same old thoughts . Why can 't we do something ? But how can I ? May be I need to earn enough money and leave my job and then start helping people . But how much enough is really enough ? But more importantly , what happens when these kids grow - up like this ? Their kids and their kids . Where 's the way out of this trap that you are born into ? Am I just satisfying my ego here because I had a bad day ? Are they happy or I am more happy ? Why do we worry so much even though we have so much ? I confess I do not do this everyday . Not even every month may be . Nor do I feel proud when I do it on those rare occassions . I was really moved when I saw the girl with him as I least expected it and the way they were running with a big smile and excitement on their faces . That made me write this post . A brother helping his sister . And the innocence on their faces and the happiness oblivious of the problems of the real world and their future . I am still wondering where is the way out of the trap they are so innocently born into ? Out of a great urge to write and having no particular topic to write about , I ended up looking at this week 's Creative Writing Prompt on WritersDigest . I have added a link to the prompt at the bottom of this post . The prompt looked very familiar and I hit the pause button on my work and jumped straight in . But they have a 500 word limit . My first draft had 1150 + words . I managed to cut it down to 650 + in the first revision . But finally ended up at 800 + words . This was really challenging as I wanted to tell a short story . Priya was deep asleep when I finished typing the last sentence of my first novel . It was a story about a suspicious new neighbour who commits a murder . It was past midnight and I went to sleep happily . I woke up from my blissful sleep when I heard a loud noise from our neighbour 's house . He moved in recently . I looked at my wife and she was still deep asleep . He nodded and gestured me to come in . His expressionless smile revealed silver teeth he had for two of his upper canines like the murderer in the novel I just finished writing . I smiled at the strange coincidence and went inside . I sat on the sofa as he excused himself and went to use restroom . It took me few minutes to realize that there were many things in that house which I wrote about in my novel . To make things more confusing , this man looked very similar to the murderer that I always imagined while writing the novel ; including those two silver teeth . I started to sweat and I tried to believe this was a mere coincidence . I hurried to see if Priya was sleeping . I woke her up and asked her to kiss me . She wiped the sweat off my forehead and kissed me . I knew it wasn 't a dream any more . Many strange things happened which were exactly same as I wrote them in the novel . Three nights later he knocked on our door as my character did in the novel . He borrowed some sugar while carefully studying our house and often times looking at our bedroom where Priya was talking on the phone . I was totally insane . I hurried up Priya the next morning and asked her to go to her Mother 's place . She fought with me and I convinced her somehow . I was insane to an extent that I forgot what I wrote in my novel . The murder happens in the victim 's mother 's place . I realized it after we sat in the car . The word limit of 500 din 't allow me to elaborate the story any longer than what I did . I ended up with 800 + words though . Hope you liked it . This is my first attempt to write a real short story . I have tried before , but many of them had to do more with facts and less with fiction . This was an attempt to see if I can really write something purely out of imagination . Not sure if it really keeps you interested till the end . But I needed to give it a try . This is an over optimistic start as I have tried to write from a woman 's point of view and that too with a setting in which I have never lived for sure . But nothing wrong in trying to write . In the least , it 's always better to write a bad story than not to write a story at all . May be we will be happy once again , when the war is over . But nobody knows when the war will be over . And nobody knows whether we will be happy when the war is over . I wish I could go somewhere where I do not want to fear death every second . There lands a bomb from nowhere on the opposite house . I know I missed it only by few meters . That 's what scares me most about this war . There is no clue when you will die . But then life has to go . I can 't stop eating . I can 't stop doing many things which look totally meaningless in a war . But I have to do because the bomb hasn 't found me yet . And may be it will never find me . That 's the hope with which we live in a war . Those were the daily thoughts in our lives . To fall in love in times of war will not help you in anyway either . In fact , it is so horrible to be in love in times of war . Let me tell you my story of love in times of war . I was a twenty - two year old girl then and I guess it was somewhere in early 1940s . Now that it 's almost forty years after the war , everything looks like a far away nightmare . Did I really live and survive the war ? Many of my friends died . It 's at least better to know that they died . What happened to many of my friends is a mystery till today . They may be alive somewhere or dead long ago , who is to tell me . I used to work as an assistant in the local library . I used to walk to work as the library was only a mile away from our house . I stayed with my parents . My father used to run a small business and my mom was a housewife . I was the youngest among four siblings . I had two brothers and a sister . My brothers went to stay in their own houses after they got married . We used to meet once in a month and it was such a fun . And what happened to my brothers is still a mystery . Everyday I pray to God that they are alive somewhere , that they will find me someday and we will have a dinner together again . But it 's a hopeless prayer . Library was in an old building which I guess was built four hundred years ago . It had no particular historical significance though . The walls of the main hall where the books were placed were decorated with many paintings . Of all the paintings , I loved one painting in which a couple are walking on a busy road holding each others ' hands . The artist captured every small detail on either sides of the road . There were stalls selling fruits , clothes , sweaters , and many more items . There were small kids playing on the footpath . And there was a butterfly flying . Amidst all the miniature details , the artist still captured the passionate couple and the love they had for each other . I still remember the way they held their hands and the smiles on their faces and the love that motionless picture conveys in that eternal moment . I used to go to work by nine in the morning and stay there till five in the evening . I was an assistant to the main librarian . And most of my work was to place the returned books in the right places . It was also my job to help people find the books they wanted . I used to get plenty of free time which allowed me to read many books . One afternoon , when I was busy shuffling the books to make sure they were in the right places , there came a man . When our eyes met for the first time , I fell in love with him . He was not that kind of a guy every girl would dream to sleep with . He looked moderately handsome with a body which faintly hints you that he worked out for quite sometime . But not like a dream boy by any chance . But when I saw him for the first time , I just fell in love with him . I never knew it could happen that way . And we rarely get a chance to think about love in the times of war . ' Please come with me , ' I said . My heart was beating at a speed where I could almost hear the sensations inside . I tried myself to be normal but I couldn 't hide my tension altogether . We went straight and then took a left to reach the corner where this book was supposed to be . I knew that it was taken out for reading . An old English man had taken it yesterday . I helped the old man to find this book . I wanted to spend sometime with this man . I acted as if I was searching . He also looked in the racks for a book which I was sure he wouldn 't find . For the first time in my life , I really loved a man . Well may be liked a man . I have met many men and never really felt like what I have felt that day . On my way back home , I stopped at the old man 's place to find out if he had finished that book . He was surprised to see me stop by at his home and he was kind enough to invite me for a coffee . We discussed about the war and I learned that his son was taken by the army the last month . Since then he hadn 't heard about what happened to him . That was the toughest part to be alive in the war . You never know what happened to people . It 's good to know that they are dead than not to know what happened to them . I knew she wasn 't going to recover . The way she was coughing some how suggested that she might not live long . It wasn 't any helpful to be sick in times of war . Next day , I went to library hoping that man would come back for the book . I haven 't returned the book because someone might take it again . I kept it in my bag and hoped he would come to take the book . I had to wait for three days . When we were about to close the library on Friday evening , he came rushing . He asked me if the book was available . I had to pretend as if the book was returned . I gave him the book and modified the register . We started walking towards a street which was once one of the busiest market streets in our town . Now you could only see dilapidated buildings on the two sides . When the war broke in our town , this street was first to see it . We went inside the coffee shop and sat in a corner where I always preferred to sit . The radio in the coffee shop was announcing the war news and few people gathered near it to hear clearly . And then there was a huge uproar after the lady on the radio announced something . I was sure it was not the end of war announcement even though I wished it was . " Amputated ? " I couldn 't believe . It was difficult to guess from the way he walked that one of his legs was missing . He used a prosthetic but he managed it quite well . We crossed the school building where I used to study . I have showed him the classroom where I used to sit . The classrooms had half destroyed walls . But still one could make out which room was which . He came to me , held my face in his hands , and kissed on my forehead and said , " I wish I could love you too . I wish we could love each other and have a happy family . I just wish I could . " Then he kissed me on the forehead again , said bye and left . I wasn 't sure what he meant . I wasn 't sure whether he loved me . I wasn 't sure whether he loved someone else . All I knew was that I was in love for the first time . On the way back home , I realized there was a crowd in front of the old man 's house I visited a couple of days ago . I felt really sad and I knew what must have happened . I went inside the home and prayed for her and left the house . The old man was sitting in a corner looking at the corpse of the woman who would have been alive if there was enough medical care . But life has no significance when there is a war . When a bomb can kill you , how does it matter if you are healthy or sick . By the time I reached home , my brothers were there and they were waiting for me to have the dinner . I explained the story of that man who lost his leg and everybody thought he was very unlucky . I thought it was better not to tell them that I have told him that I loved him . And I told about the old man who lost his wife and everyone thought he too was unlucky . I waited for that man everyday at the library for next ten days . I wasn 't sure what he meant when he said he wished he could love me . I wanted to see him again and tell him that I really loved him . Meanwhile , in those ten days , many buildings were bombed in our town . And I was always warned by my parents to not to go to library because it was one of the famous buildings in our town . I never heard their advice though as I rather foolishly believed if a bomb had to find me it will find me where ever I was . Unfortunately , my mother fell sick and I had to do the cooking at home . It made me go late to the library after I finished the household chores . I managed to go an hour or two late . But unfortunately , on that very same day in the morning , our library was bombed . And fortunately for me , I was late to the work as my mother was still sick . The main librarian escaped with injuries and a couple of readers died in it . And to this day , I think what if my mother wasn 't sick ? I am not sure you would be reading my story . Who is to tell what could have happened . Life is mysterious . I did not know that the library building was bombed until I reached there . I wished it was a nightmare when I first saw the destroyed halls of the entrance . But wars are nightmares in real . I rushed into the library and found a crowd already gathered . I saw the main librarian sitting on a chair in a corner with a bewildered look on his face . When our eyes met , there was an expression which suggested that he was thinking I was really lucky to be alive . Then I went to the place where the crowd formed a circle . There were four or five dead bodies and it was difficult for me to recognize if I knew anyone of them . As I looked at each of the four dead bodies closely , I saw something . I saw a man who was lying motionless with a face which was very difficult to recognize after the injuries . But that man , in one of his hands was carrying the book : A Farewell to Arms . The book was partially damaged but it was easy to see the title of the book on the front - cover . I still have that book in my home . It 's almost forty years after the war . I have never opened the book until yesterday . When I have finally opened it , I have found a paper in the book which said : Everyday , I think , what if I haven 't given him the book . May be he would have escaped the tragedy . But may be not . Who is to tell me . It wasn 't easy to write this story . For some weird reason , it struck me on one night that I had to write a short story about love in war . It was definitely an attempt which is very difficult to be successful at for a first timer , for I haven 't read much about wars except in a couple of novels and I have almost no experience writing short stories like these . I am a self - confessed techie , blogger , programmer , writer , dreamer , book lover , and web designer . I use this space to express my thoughts on various topics . You can know more about me by visiting the about me page . Please drop me a line using the contact page if you like my writings .

Donna arrived early at the Doctor 's office with Betty , her friend , nervous about whether she would find the building , having never been in that part of town before . It made her nervous to go there because the area had the reputation of being a hot bed of gang activity . Every time she watched the news there was a report of a shooting or a drug bust or something like that in among the apartments . liquor stores and convenience stores that dotted the area . She almost backed out of going to the appointment but her friend really needed a ride and she had already backed out of helping her out earlier in the month . She didn 't really like Betty very much because she was so needy . It was always about her and her needs , never about anyone else . It irked her because she herself was needy and wouldn 't have minded a little attention being paid to her once in a while . Her husband gave her no attention unless it was as a prelude to sex . Even that attention dissolved as soon as her husband ejaculated , which usually took about 30 seconds ( yes , she counted ) . Her kids gave her no attention , but that didn 't really bother her . She understood they were just being self - consumed teenagers . Her boss gave her no attention , which she liked for the most part . He left her alone to do her job and she did it well . She did wish for some recognition every now and then but she could live without it . She was waiting for Betty to be done when she noticed a man sitting across the aisle from her . He was older , maybe just a tad overweight , with a nice hat . He had a small book he was writing in . She wondered what he was writing about . She was reading an essay on immigration from The Atlantic Monthly on her phone and didn 't pay much attention to him . After she finished she looked up and saw him looking at her . He wasn 't looking directly at her , but at her shoes . She looked away but looked back quickly to see him looking down at his journal . He looked back up at her again , but once again , he wasn 't looking at her face , but lower . This time he seemed to be looking at her legs . She then realized he was not writing in a journal , he was drawing in a sketchbook . And he was drawing her . This made her self - conscious . She started wondering how she looked . Was her hair in place ? Was she color coordinated ? Then she realized her shirt was open , showing her tank top underneath . She hoped it wasn 't too low . She was always trying to find that proper line between showing off her girls just a bit ( since she did like how they looked and was proud that while her friends had to have help from their favorite plastic surgeon to get theirs to look that good , hers were God given ) and not wanting to look like a hootchie mama letting them all hang out . As she looked down to check herself out she realized crumbs from the granola bar she was snacking on at landed on her chest . Should she wipe them off ? They would go down into her bra if she did that , but at least she could do it quickly and quietly . Or should she pick them off like she usually would do if she were alone , not being watched ? They wouldn 't get stuck in her bra that way , but she would be doing something much more conspicuous . She chose to quickly wipe them down into her bra . The man was looking down when she did it so she didn 't think he noticed . Knowing someone was drawing her also made her happy . She liked the attention , liked being looked at . It reminded her of the early days of her marriage when she would catch her husband looking at her when they went out somewhere . He always liked her face and figure , complimenting both frequently , and expressing physically that it was sometimes more than just admiration of her beauty . He had been quite the driven lover back in the early days . Those days weren 't nearly as frequent anymore , and she had accepted that as part of being in a longer marriage and in getting older . But that didn 't mean she liked it . She felt a little thrill whenever she realized someone was admiring her , even if it wasn 't that frequent . There was a rush she felt when it happened and she was feeling that now . She wondered if her neck and chest were turning red , which it did when she felt that way . She hoped not , but then again she sort of liked that she had a signal from her body about what was happening inside show on the outside . Having this feeling happen so randomly brought up all sort of emotions about her marriage , about her self - worth , about her compromises with family and friends ( Betty being a perfect example ) . A switch flipped in her head and she decided she had had enough . It was a most unexpected epiphany out of the blue . She was looking down at her phone when a pair of running shoes appeared on the floor in front of her . She looked up to see the man smiling at her , about to speak . He said , " Hi , sorry to interrupt you . My wife just buzzed me to come into the Doctor 's office so I have to go but I wanted to show you the drawing I have been doing of you before I did . " Donna looked at the drawing . It was of her with her head down looking at her phone . Her legs were crossed and sure enough , her shirt was open and a bit of cleavage was showing . She was glad it didn 't look too low . She looked up , smiled and said , " I was wondering what you were doing . At first I thought you were writing in a journal then I saw you looking at me and figured out that you were drawing . You caught me pretty good I think , thank you . " He said , " No , thank you . I loved how still you sat , made it easy to draw you . You didn 't even uncross and recross your legs the other way , which is often what happens . Anyway , I have to go but here is my card . If you want me to send you a photo of the drawing now and when it is finished , just email me so I have your address and I will do it , ok ? " After she got home she went to her office and wrote out a plan . A year later she was divorced . She moved to the city she had always wanted to live in , San Francisco . She even moved to a somewhat scary part of town so she could get a good deal on a fixer - upper . She was renovating it herself . She went back to school , this time not to be an assistant to someone but to be an actual scientist , which had been her dream . She heard from Betty once in a while but no longer felt responsible for trying to solve her problems . Four years later she emailed the man who had drawn her , asking if she could see the drawing . He sent her the finished version . She asked if he would accept a commission to do a large painted version of the drawing . He agreed and 6 months later she had it over her mantle in her remodeled home . She also bought the drawing and had it in her bedroom . When friends came to visit they often remarked about the simple ' slice of life , small moment in time ' feel the painting had . They liked that about it . She would smile and agree , all the while knowing not all moments in time are equal . They were outside on the patio and I sat where I could draw them . I ate and drew at the same time . After a while the woman facing me realized I was drawing her . She leaned over to say something to her friend . I continued to draw until they were about to leave . I stood and walked over to them . I held up the drawing to the woman facing me and showed it to her . She said she noticed me looking at them and wondered what I was doing . I explained who I was and what I was doing . She said she really liked it . I showed it to the other woman and she said the same thing . I told her she could see it finished at my website or if she prefer I would send her the image via email when I was done with it . I gave her my card and she gave me her email address . I said goodbye and went back to finish my lunch . It has taken me about a month , maybe more , to paint and finish the drawing . Now I am about to publish it and send her the image and the link . Will I get a response ? What do you think she will say and think about it ? Amanda had her resume laid out just right . She had her business card just so . She had her lucky necklace on and , embarrassing as it was , her lucky underwear too . She had her coffee ordered and picked up . She was ready for the interview . He walked in with long strides , letting the door close on the woman coming in behind him . He went straight to the counter , stopping just short of running into the back of the man waiting to order . He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes . " I want a very large cup of your strongest coffee , black . " he answered . When it was delivered by the Barista he said , " Thanks but it would have been nicer for me if you smiled . " He was not smiling as he said it . He came over the Amanda 's table and sat down . She put out her hand and said , " Hello Mr . Bendetto , I am Amanda . It 's nice to meet you . " Amanda was just about to start crying when her coffee cup raised up from the table . It had grown wings and flew over to hover in front of her . The lid came off partially and the coffee talked . It said , " You are more than he thinks you are . " She stared as the coffee floated back down to the table as the wings disappeared , landing softly and not spilling any of itself . She looked up to see if any other person had witnessed it . It appeared no one had seen the coffee fly . That is until she looked over at the barista who had served the man his coffee . She was staring at Amanda with her eyes wide and her mouth open . Amanda said , " I have no idea . It was very strange . But it said the perfect thing to me , that 's all I know . " Then she asked , " What is your name ? " Amanda laughed , " That 's my name as well ! Nice to meet you Amanda . I am sorry he was such a jerk to you , I heard him talking to you . " " Yes , he was . Nice to meet you too Amanda . I overheard a bit of his conversation with you . He seemed rude to you as well . " Amanda the Barista said . " Yep , he was a jerk to me . I was having a job interview with him but it didn 't take me long to realize , even though I am desperate for work , really desperate , I wouldn 't work for him no matter what . " Said Amanda . The Barista responded , " I am sorry you are in that situation , but I think you are right . I can 't imagine working for him ! What sort of work are you looking for ? " " I 'm a bookkeeper . I was helping to run my dad 's business but he sold it and retired recently so I am looking for something else . I just got a divorce as well so the pressure is on . " " Oh , that sounds like pressure for sure ! You know , you might want to talk to Sylvia , the owner here . Her son , John , has been doing the books but he is about to go to graduate school . I think she might be looking for someone . " A week later Amanda the bookkeeper had a new job . She had met with Sylvia the owner and they had gotten along great . The pay wasn 't quite as good as with her father 's business but it was not bad either . She knew she could make it with the salary and the hours . On her first day she was going to meet with John , the current bookkeeper to start her training . But before he arrived for the day she had to clean out an old desk to use as hers . It had office supplies and a disheveled pile of papers cluttering the drawers . She took them out and was figuring out what to do with them when one piece fell to the ground . She picked it up , turning it over to see if it had anything on the other side . There , on the other side was a drawing of a coffee cup . A coffee cup with wings . She stared at it with her mouth open until she was interrupted by a male voice saying , " You better watch out , you might catch a fly with your mouth open that wide ! " She looked up to see a young man , maybe 30 years old , handsome and smiling with his eyes and his mouth . He came in and reached out his hand . " Hi Amanda , I am John . What were you looking at that so astounded you ? " She blushed slightly , smiled and said , " Oh , hello John . Nice to meet you . Sorry about that . I was looking at this . " She picked up the drawing of the flying coffee cup and showed it to him . He said , " Oh , THAT ' S where that drawing is ! I have been wondering where I left it for at least a year of so . Was it in that pile of stuff ? " pointing to the mess on the desk . " Ok , this is REALLY weird . I was looking at the drawing the way I was because I have seen it before . So did Amanda the Barista actually . " " No , that is what is so strange . I didn 't see this drawing . I saw the actual flying cup . It actually was my coffee cup when I came in last week for an interview . After the guy interviewing me left my cup grew wings and flew up to me and spoke . I know it sounds crazy but ask Amanda , she saw it too . Nobody else did , but she did . " John stared . It was his turn to have his mouth drop open . " Why is YOUR mouth catching flies now , if I may ask ! " said Amanda with a laugh . " Ok , but it 's really strange . " he said . " I drew that about 7 years ago when I was 23 . I think I even have a date on it , I drew it in April , right ? I was just starting to help my mom here at the coffee shop and I had just left a long term relationship . I was stuck in the back of this office and I was feeling lonely and depressed . I drew this coffee cup that was sitting in front of me out of boredom one day . I left it on the desk and went out front to get some fresh air and something to eat . While I was out there I saw the most beautiful , sweet woman sitting at a table with a friend . I actually couldn 't see her very well , I was behind her . But I could see the side of her face and her smile and her beautiful brown hair . It was about the same length and style as yours I think only brown , not blonde . Anyway , she was showing off this incredibly unique diamond engagement ring to her friend . I had never seen anything like it . It was shiny and bright and she was beaming with joy . " " I came back to the office and sat there wishing I had someone like her . I wished I had her actually . I sort of zoned out and started to draw wings and a mouth on the cup in the drawing as I imagined it flying out the talk to her . I wanted the cup to tell her she was making a mistake , that I was the right one for her . Of course I didn 't have any idea about who she was or what she was about . I didn 't really know if I was the right one for her . I was just wanting to be the right one for someone and I attached my dream to her at the moment . " He looked at Amanda with a look that said please don 't laugh at me . " I often wonder what happened to her . I really do hope all went really well for her . It 's probably a blessing I didn 't see her face very clearly because if I had gotten a good look I probably would still be looking for her face in everyone I see . " He put the drawing down . " I told you it was a bizarre story . " Amanda was crying . Big tears were rolling down her cheeks . " John ? That woman was me . I was engaged 7 years ago in April and I remember coming here with my best friend to show her the ring . I had the same style hair , but then it was brown . " Amanda went home and got the ring that afternoon and brought it right back . It was the ring John remembered , very unique and shiny . A year later John and Amanda were married . Amanda the Barista was a bridesmaid in a small ceremony at a beach about 100 miles away . John and the two Amandas opened a second coffee shop at the beach a year after that called ' The Flying Cup ' . They now have 24 shops at beaches around the world . and are known for their story and their flying coffee cup logo . They eventually sold their story to Universal pictures and it was made into a movie that did pretty well . The End Dominique was born in France but moved to Chicago when she was just a baby . Her father died when she was seven and her mother raised her as best she could . When she was 18 her mother decided to move back to France but Dominique wanted to stay in Chicago and go to school or get a job . Dominique went to the gallery opening because the exhibition was titled ' Pierced ' . She saw a flyer for it posted in the back hallway of a club where she danced . She wasn 't really an artsy type of person , she had only been to one museum in her life , but she was excited to go because she loved piercings . She had 20 of them herself and was hoping to get more . She asked one of the other dancers , who went by the stage name ' Flame ' , if she wanted to go with her but she had no baby sitter for that night . The other girls at the club weren 't really very friendly and most of them sort of scared her . She would have invited her best friend at the club , ' Trinity ' , but she had been arrested for her 3rd DUI two days before and was still in jail . She decided to go alone though it was very scary for her to do so . She never really went out to anything remotely ' cultural ' even though she read about a lot of those sorts of events online . In her mind she wasn 't very socially adept , never really knowing what to say . She had gotten better at small talk , working at the club had helped her with that , but she still worried about talking about serious stuff . She had it all in her brain , she thought she was pretty smart after all , but she just sort of froze up when that sort of conversation was in front of her . The gallery was in the art district of Chicago . She had never been there and got lost . She felt annoyed with herself for not figuring out how to get there in advance and felt a panic attack coming on . Luckily she found it right about then and was able to calm herself down by doing the breathing exercises she learned about on some fitness website she sometimes followed . She checked her makeup in the rear view mirror , reapplying her eyeliner just a bit and touching up her lipstick . She dressed how she thought one should dress for an artsy event . She wore heels that weren 't too tall , certainly not her stiletto height that she wore on stage . She had on a maxi skirt , the only one she owned , with a bold blue and gold print . Blue and gold were her favorite colors and they matched her piercings . Her blouse was just a simple pale blue leotard type top . It did a pretty good job of reducing how big her bust looked , which she hoped for since she hated the attention they got when she wasn 't on the job . The place had a beautiful sign hanging from the front letting her know the name of the gallery , Foray . The gallery was crowded but not so much so that she couldn 't make her way through . She had to go to the bathroom and asked a cute girl who , in spite of looking about 14 years old , seemed to have a certain confidence standing in the middle of the room , as if she knew the gallery . She pointed to the back of the gallery and said , " Go to the left back there and it 's on the right . I like your piercings , by the way . " Dominique thanked her and went off to find the bathroom . Dominique chuckled to herself once she left the young girl . So young yet so confident , something she wished she had been at that age . She found the bathroom and relieved herself . There was a big orange vase made out of corrugated cardboard in the corner of her stall . It had a single white PVC pipe sticking out of it with a large paper flower sticking at the end . The flower was blue and gold and looked a lot like the stud coverings she had on her piercings . This made her happy . She went back out into the gallery and started to look at the art work . She hadn 't really known what to expect since the flyer didn 't have a picture on it . She assumed it would be pictures of people with piercings , but it was not . It was large paintings of strange scenes . One was of a fat man on a fishing boat catching a giant Marlin . It showed a close up of the hook poking through the fish 's lip . Another was of a woman at a sewing machine . She was in pain with her finger impaled by the needle of the machine . It showed blood all over the sewing machine . It made Dominique wince . There was a very large painting of a man dead on the ground with a big hole in him . Another man was standing over him with a gun that was smoking . It was all very strange to Dominique . She was repulsed but wanted to look at the same time . She had no idea what any of these paintings had to do with piercings at all . She walked into an area where there was a wine bar and food , which she quickly indulged in . She would have preferred water , her mouth was really dry , but she was hungry and thirsty and that 's what was there . The wine wasn 't very good but the little cracker thingies with the tan - colored spread on them were yummy . " Yes , found it fine , thank you " she responded . " I liked the vase with the blue and gold flower , that was cool . Who did that one ? " The young girl laughed , " Ha , that 's mine . It 's the only place my mother let me put it . She 's mean like that ! " Right then a woman who looked surprisingly like the young girl came up . " Are you telling a perfect stranger how mean I am to you ? You always make me sound like the worst parent . " She laughed and grabbed the girl around the shoulders from behind and nuzzled her neck . Her mother laughed and said , " Yep , that 's me , cruelest mother on earth ! Actually , my name is Angelique but I usually go by Angel . Nice to meet you . " She held out her hand and Dominique shook it . Then she turned to Vera and shook her hand as well . Both hands were warm and strong . It made her feel good . " I am Dominique but I usually am just called ' Dom ' . Dom responded , " I like it I think . It 's sort of scary though . I like the colors he uses but I don 't really understand how the paintings relate to the title of the show . I only came to here because I like piercing a lot . " Dom smiled and said , " I didn 't take it as rude , no worries . I know people look at my face and see a lot of piercings . Anyway , I thought it would about that . I am not sure what these are about . But then again , I don 't know much about art . This is the very first art gallery I have ever been in . And I have only been in one museum before . " Vera 's mother sighed back , " See what I get for exposing my daughter to a life of culture and beauty ? Such an ungrateful little waif ! " She then let out a big laugh and kissed Vera on the cheek . Dom was completely enthralled by how fun this encounter was . Her spirits were lifted by seeing the relationship between Vera and her mom . But she was confused . " So , I have a question Vera . You said the vase in the bathroom was yours and your mom would only let you put it there . So Angel , does that mean you are the owner of the gallery ? " Angel answered with a smile , " No , not the owner . I am the artist . Vera wanted to take over the gallery with her vases but I , meanest mother in the world , wouldn 't let her . She got the bathrooms and she 's lucky to have them . " She laughed . " You did these paintings ? Really ? " Dom said with her jaw open . She was now mortified . " I am so sorry I said I didn 't get them . I really do think they are good . Don 't listen to me , I don 't know anything . I should have just shut … " Angel put her hand up to stop her , interrupting , " It 's completely OK Dominique . I wasn 't offended . I completely understand people will have all sorts of opinions about the work . I will say however that the reason I think the name of the show and the paintings are connected is that each painting shows something or someone getting pierced by something . " Dom looked around . " Damn , how did she miss that ! " , she thought to herself . " Uh … DUH me . Now I see it . Man , sometimes I can be so dumb . " " No worries , you aren 't the first person who didn 't see the connection . " Angel said . " I was married to my husband for 10 years and he NEVER got any of the connections I was trying to make . But I still loved him anyway . " They got to the last painting , of a man with a gun in his hand standing over someone he had just shot . Dom said , " This is the most gruesome of all the paintings I think . What 's the story behind this one ? " Vera looked at her and said , " This one is of my dad . He had to kill someone a long time ago to protect my mom and me . We went to the mall to shop and there was some guy who started firing a gun near us . My dad pushed us both down into a lingerie store and ran after the guy . He fought him and got the gun away and killed him . " " I don 't know " Vera responded . " Mom says he never really was a scary strong guy before , but she said something just came over him and he did it . She tells me that he never said anything about it afterwards except that he loved us and wanted to make sure we were safe . " Dom put her hand on Vera 's shoulder . " I am so sorry to hear that . He sounds like he was a really great dad . I bet you miss him . " She was crying as she spoke . Dom said , " You know why I am crying ? There is something you don 't know about me . My dad died too . I was only 7 . " Vera and Dom went back into the main gallery to get something to eat and drink . They saw Angel again and Vera told her about Dom 's dad dying . Angel gave Dom a hug , holding on for quite a while . She asked , " Would you like to go to dinner with a few of us after the opening is over ? It will just be another half an hour if you can wait . I would love to have you with us . " The dinner was great , as was the fun day the three of them had at the Zoo a week later . Dom started watching Vera a few days a week after school while Angel was at her day job . Vera taught her how she made her paper vases and flowers . Dom quit her dancing job a few months later . It was a big financial hit but she had saved up some and knew she needed to get out of that business soon anyway . She got a job at the front desk of the Foray Gallery and Vera would come hang out there after school . Dom eventually learned bookkeeping and took over running the gallery 's business side . Turned out she was good at it . Angel became a very well - known artist and her paintings became much sought after . They started selling to not just collectors but museums as well . The gallery even sold one for $ 100 , 000 . 00 , which blew everyone away . There was a big celebration that night ! When Foray 's owner wanted to sell the gallery to move down to Florida to be closer to his dying parents , Dom , Angel and Vera went in together and bought the gallery . Year later , when Dom was asked what was the secret of her success , she would always say the same thing , " The secret to my success is very simple . I had one moment of courage to go see art when I was 21 years old . Everything else came from that " Oriole got the skirt she wore to the opening at ' Upscale Retail ' a consignment shop in the fancy part of town . Her sister , Wren , said the skirt looked great on her and that she had the perfect blouse to go along with it . They went over to their mother 's house and found the blouse in spare bedroom closet . Oriole wasn 't at all sure the two went together but her mother , Robin , said that contrasting patterns was the new thing and it looked great . Their little sister , Myna , thought it looked stupid but she thought everything looked stupid so they paid no attention to her . Oriole had her friend , Ibis , do her hair and make up . She had been a hair stylist and cosmotologist before she had triplets . She told Oriole that the striped hair was the newest thing and that a dark circle of rouge on the apple of her cheek was also a new trend ( she called it rouge instead of blush , trying to be old fashioned ) . Oriole was at the gallery an hour early . She wanted to make sure the paintings were hung correctly and that the food was laid out just right . She found that the piece called ' Balls ' was hung next to the piece called ' Hose ' and it shouldn 't have been . She didn 't like the sexual innuendo of the two of them side by side because neither painting was really about sex at all . She went to find the gallery owner , Miss Heron , and complained to her . But Miss Heron said it was too late to change the location of either painting . She reassured Oriole that no one would notice that they were next to each other and to just not worry about . Oriole was nervous but agreed to let them stay where they were . The opening was a big success . Many people came to it and 4 paintings sold . There were many compliments on the food . Three people said they liked her skirt . Nobody mentioned the two paintings next to each other , though Oriole did see two girls laughing while looking at them . Her family came , including her Aunt LittleHawk , who had gone on a spiritual retreat in Navajo territory and changed her name from Fiona Finch . Two days later Oriole was awakened by a call from Ms . Heron , the gallery owner . She told her to get the newspaper and look at the front page of the ' Art Scene ' section . She said there was a big photo of her welcoming the guests at the opening and a rave review alongside it . Oriole didn 't get the newspaper so she had to get dressed and go downstairs to the corner store to buy a few copies . The review praised her use of paint , her witty ability to have content and humor together , and the subtle but insistent message of sexual power among women . She particularly liked the two paintings , ' Balls ' and ' Hose ' being next to each other . The reviewer , Henrietta Hornbill , said it was the most auspicious inaugural one person show in the city since Nick Sparrow had shown his sculptures of handcuffs made out of different colors of Jello . Oriole was very confused . How could any one get a sexual control message out of her paintings ? She had never thought about that at any time in the creation of the paintings . She called her oldest and dearest friend , Dovey , ( who lived in Cardinal City , California and couldn 't make it to the opening ) and asked her if she thought there was a sexual message in the paintings . Dovey said , " Duh , I 've always known that . I am not surprised it was what the reviewer saw . " Later that day she got a call from Onea Owl of NPR asking if she would be available for an interview , maybe at the gallery , about her work . They wanted to do a story in the next week about sexuality and wanted her included as an artist leading the way in feminist interpretation of sexual issues . She said yes , mostly because she hoped to meet that lady with the hard name to pronounce who was always on in the mornings . Three days after that she got an email from someone supposedly from Vogue magazine . She thought it was a joke but she recognized the name of Winny Warbler at the bottom of the email as someone who had been a judge on that reality TV show about fashion . Ms . Warbler wanted to do a photo shoot with her as part of an editorial piece on stylish female artists in the city . She was hoping to get Jinny Crow and Penelope Plover as well . Oriole called her and asked why she wanted her in the editorial shoot . Winny explained that while the striped hair , clashing patterns and bright circularly rouged cheeks had all been trending separately , Oriole had been the first one to have put them all together so successfully . Oriole was even more confused but decided she was going to go with the flow . Oriole became a wildly successful artist in the city , then nationally , then internationally . She was the biggest hit at Art Basel in Miami the next year . She was chosen for the Venice Biennale and the Whitney biennial the year after that . She was the first artist on the cover of Vogue , first on the cover of Time since Picasso and first on the cover of Art Forum since ' the artist formerly known as art ' . Oriole flew high with her fame for 45 years . She became incredibly wealthy with homes in New York and St . Tropez . She had her retrospective in 4 museums simultaneously . MOMA showed her paintings , LACMA showed her sculptures and Tate Modern showed her prints and drawings . Her erotic art was at the museum in St . Tropez . The most amazing thing about her career though was her departure from it . After the retrospectives closed she sent a press release out saying that she was going to retire from painting and focus on bird watching . She sold her homes , donated her remaining paintings to various museums around the world and disappeared from the art world . She moved to Saskatchewan , Canada and watched migratory birds the rest of her life , which lasted another 20 years . She died in her sleep in her small cabin in the north woods . Though it was never thought that she ended her own life , she was 95 after all , there was a note on her desk that made some people think she had known the end was near . Barbara woke up and took a walk towards the volcano . She got lightheaded on the walk and saw a vision of all her past boyfriends tumbling down the steep mountain . She saw Josh , the young man she had the affair with at the beach resort . She didn 't know if he really should be included since he wasn 't technically a boyfriend , more like a one night stand , even though it did last 4 days . She saw Bob , the guy she met at the photography store . He wanted to photograph her but she turned the tables and eventually got him to pose for her instead . He broke up with her when he realized she had posted the full frontal nudes of him on her Flickr account . She saw Jared , the older man she had a fling with at her job . He was divorced and a bit pathetic , but he smelled nice and bought her things . She broke up with him when she realized he thought 9 / 11 was a government conspiracy . She saw Benjamin , the Jewish guy from her AA group . They bonded when the both realized they didn 't believe in God . He broke up with her when he found the love of his life on Eharmony . She saw Kevin , the police officer who stopped her for speeding . The went out for almost a year , but then he was wounded in the line of duty and had to go live with his parents in Oshkosh , Wisconsin . They broke up when he reconnected with his elementary school sweetheart back home . Once upon a time there was a very tall woman named Galindra . Most of her height was due to her very , very big head . Without her head she would be three feet tall . But her head was six feet tall all by itself so she ended up being 9 feet tall . Luckily she also had very , very long and skinny arms that allowed her to reach the top of her head . This was important when it came to grooming habits . Chapter Two One day Galindra went to an art gallery . She was going on a blind date and they decided to meet there . It was a hot summer day and she wore her favorite yellow shorts and her tight blue top . She wore flesh - colored flats that made her look like she was barefoot . She straightened her hair ( it took an hour ) and put on her summer makeup , including trying false eyelashes for the very first time . Chapter Three Galindra was there first . She walked around the gallery enjoying the paintings . They were of men doing various activities that involved holding things that looked very phallic to her . In addition there were part of things coming in from the edge of the paintings that were also quite phallic , like elephant trunks , baseball bats and long skinny party balloons . She thought these were very funny and interesting . She became engrossed in trying to figure out the meaning behind each of the paintings . As time passed she realized she was being stood up . The blind date had not shown up . This made her very angry and she expressed her frustration right in the middle of the gallery . She had been stood up many times over the years . She knew it was because of her big head . It made her so mad because she really was a smart , funny , kind and attractive woman but no one ever gave her a chance to show it because all they saw was her head . When she finished her little demonstration of anger and frustration she noticed someone had come into the room . He walked over to her and asked if she was ok . She said yes , that she had just been stood up and was venting . The man said , " I am sorry you were stood up , that was very rude of the person . " Galindra thanked him and asked him his name as she put her hand out to shake his . He said , " My name is Art . This is my exhibition actually . " Galindra shook his hand and said , " Oh My God , I want to ask you so many questions ! Would you mind ? " Art responded , " No , I would love to answer your questions . " Galindra and Art walked around the gallery talking about the paintings for the next 2 hours until Galindra said she had to go get something to eat because she was starting to feel faint . Art asked if she would like to go to lunch with him and she said yes . Galindra and Art became very good friends . Art eventually got up enough nerve to ask her if she would model for him . He ended up doing a series of 12 paintings of her in all sorts of situations , from nude to being dressed up like an astronaut . He mounted an exhibition of the paintings and the show became his most popular ever . The paintings were featured in Art News and Art Forum magazines . The CBS TV show , Sunday Morning did a long segment on the two of them with their favorite interviewer , Mo Roca , doing the interview . Galindra and Art got married 2 years later . They had seven children , all of whom had big heads and long arms . They eventually had 27 grandchildren and 4 great - grandchildren . They had an apartment in Manhattan , a summer house on Cape Cod and winter home in the Swiss alps . Galindra lived to be 88 years old and Art lived to be 92 . Ok , she wasn 't actually sitting on the phone . Well , ok maybe she was sitting on A phone , I don 't really know . But she wasn 't sitting on the phone she was talking on . She was talking on that phone . It would be weird if she had another phone with her that she was sitting on , wouldn 't it ? She was off the phone ( the one in her hand , not the possible one she may or may not have been sitting on ) but still sitting there when I had to leave . I showed her the drawing I did . I think she thought I was weird . Which I might be . Emily took the mirror out of her purse . She was looking for blood splatter but noticed her hair instead . She didn 't like how her hair looked when it blew in the wind . Instead of looking full like she wanted , it looked straggly and thin . She couldn 't decide if it was due to the hair cut she got , which she hated , or the product she had been persuaded to buy at the salon . Whatever the reason , she didn 't like it and wanted to get back in the car as soon as possible . This wasn 't just due to her hair looking shitty , but because of the body in the middle of the road . Emily knew the road was seldom travelled but she didn 't want to take chances just in case one of those survivalist nut cases up in the backwoods came down in a tank or something . Emily reapplied her lipstick as she drove down the mountain . She got out her mascara and added a bit to her upper lashes when she got to the one and only stop light in town . She even got a bit of blush to each cheek before the light turned green . She was hungry and Chicken King was right at the corner . She liked Chicken King because the chicken fingers were easy to eat and the straws were just the right diameter . She was particular about these things knowing that it all contributed to her looking as good as she did . People thought it was just her lucky genetics and that pissed her off . She worked hard and sacrificed to look this good . She wished people realized that . She ate as she drove down the coastline . She wondered how long it would be until the body was found . She wondered if wild animals would find it and drag it off the road . Wouldn 't that be convenient she thought . She noticed the moon was red and thought that was very strange . After about 3 hours of driving she stopped for gas . She put on a pair of those cheap rubber gloves that come in a box before touching the gas hose since the worst thing in the world was to be able to smell gas on her fingers after she got back in the car . She went into the convenience store to go to the bathroom but the toilet was covered in pee and she couldn 't do it . She would just have to wait . She got a pack of gum and told the teenage clerk he should have been checking the toilets more often because one had urine all over it . He looked at her blankly and said , " Someone else does that , I just take money . " Emily got back in the car and drove away . She was upset about that encounter , realizing that it was an example of the younger generation having no initiative to make something of themselves . What had gone wrong with America anyway , she thought as she searched for another gas station . She stopped at two more places along the way looking to pee . Both were unacceptable . One had a cracked toilet seat and she just knew it would pinch her flesh if she sat on it . As she walked towards the door she looked at the clerk , a young Mexican woman with dark blush on her cheeks and high arched eyebrows painted on , and said under her breath , " No wonder this place is in disrepair . You people are lazy . " The clerk didn 't hear what she said but did notice Emily 's red lipstick and thought it was too bold considering how dark her eyeliner was . When Emily got back in the car she looked in the rear view mirror and put a fresh coat of lipstick on . She was happy she had some style compared to that ugly clerk . " How could people want to look like that ? " she whispered to herself . The second store only had a unisex bathroom . A man emerged from it right as Emily walked up . Emily hated the idea of sitting down on the same toilet a strange man had peed in , especially as fat and ugly as that man was . She immediately turned around and stomped out . She slapped her hand on counter as she left and said to the clerk , " What the fuck is wrong with you people ? " The clerk , a Korean boy about 13 , didn 't understand english and had no idea what she said , only that she was mad about something . His mother was in the back room and didn 't hear anything . She almost cried when she got back in the car after the third try because she really had to pee . But she looked in the rear view mirror , smoothed out an errant eyelash and said to herself , " I have my standards and lowering standards contributes to the downfall of society . " She had memorized that line from her " Planning For Success ' CD and repeated it to herself often . She also didn 't cry because it would have smeared her eyeliner , which had taken a long time to put on that morning . By this time her bladder was close to bursting . She was glad she hadn 't compromised her standards but she also was getting desperate . The next place had better be acceptable or she wasn 't sure what she would do . She wasn 't holding out much hope when she walked in and saw that the clerk was a black woman . She had a big pile of what looked like black , brown and tan snake coils on top of her head . She had on a very low cut top that showed overflowing breasts . Emily wondered how someone could show that much breast and not show her nipples . " No wonder they all get pregnant so early " , she muttered to her self . While it wasn 't pretty inside the bathroom , and that annoyed her , it was clean . She was comfortable enough to sit all the way down on the toilet and go . She felt so relieved that she actually said out loud to herself , " Now I can die happy . " She left the bathroom and walked back into the store . As she did she noticed a young boy , maybe a teenager , standing at the counter . He was in a tan , button down shirt , khaki pants and loafers . His hair was cut in a contemporary but still traditional look . He was standing up very straight and looking straight ahead . She thought some mother was proud of that boy , he looked like he was going to do great things in life . She smiled as walked towards him , coughing in hopes of getting his attention . Right as she did this he raised his right hand and pointed a gun at the clerk . But he heard Emily cough at that same moment and , without thinking , turned his gun toward her and pulled the trigger . Emily had enough time to widen her eyes and drop her jaw in disbelief . The bullet went straight into her open mouth , hit the back of her throat and cut right through her brain stem as it exited . Emily 's brain was able to think one final thought before she died . " My lipstick … " The store clerk , named Edna , ran to the back of the store when the shot was fired . The boy ran after her . He tripped and fell hard on a slick patch of wet concrete on the loading dock . Edna , hiding behind the dumpster right next to where he fell grabbed a piece of wood from a pile of broken pallets and hit him on the head as hard as she could . She didn 't realize the piece of wood had a big nail sticking out of it . The nail caught the boy in the eye and he screamed in pain as she kicked the gun out of his hand . Edna was a local hero . She was given a civilian service award by the sheriff and that made her consider studying law . She eventually earned her law degree and spent many decades representing immigrants before she retired and moved closer to her grandkids . The boy went to prison as a juvenile , where his nickname was ' Cyclops ' . He got out when he turned 25 and moved to Alabama . Ironically he ended up being a clerk in a convenience store until his death in a car wreck at age 30 . The woman Emily murdered was found on the road where she died . Her name was Shannon and she was remembered by many in her town as a wonderful wife and mother and a dedicated volunteer at the psychiatric hospital . Her murder was never solved . Her husband of 12 years eventually remarried and moved away to Arkansas with his new bride and his 3 kids . They had a daughter together and named her Shannon . Emily 's body stayed in the local county morgue for a month . No one claimed it and they were unable to find any relatives . She was cremated and her ashes were stored in the morgue . The cardboard box they were in was put in a supply closet during a building expansion 3 years later . During some jack hammering in the parking lot next door the box fell onto the floor and broke open . When the custodian saw the mess he swept the ashes towards the drain in the floor and washed them down . The cardboard box was thrown away . DonateHello Everyone ! I have been bringing you ' The Napkin ' since 2008 & have loved doing it . It takes a lot of time & creativity and if you would like to support that effort I would greatly appreciate it !

She married and became Catholic because that was what her husband wanted . In that process she became a devout and somewhat rabid Catholic . She seemed to feel that her religion gave her the right to pass judgement on everyone else . She was unable to have children for some reason . It turned out for the best because she divorced her husband . Because of her strict religious rules she never remarried although she had a long - term relationship with her ex - husband 's brother . My mother cooked most of the meal even though she was due to have a baby any time . After everyone ate they retired to the living room . As Mom was walking in my grandmother announced that Mom could take care of clean - up so " the family " could visit . When we went home my mother called her doctor and told him she simply could not take any more . She was exhausted . He checked her into the hospital . He knew how my relatives could behave . While Mom was in the hospital my aunt came to our house to watch us . There were 5 of us . She decided the best way to handle us was to put us to work . All of us . My youngest brother was 4 years old . We were assigned cleaning jobs . We mopped floors , washed windows , and even scrubbed the walls . The whole time my aunt berated us for taking advantage of our mother 's condition and letting the house get into this slovenly condition . Actually we were only told the week before that we were having a new baby in the family . I guess children did not notice that sort of thing then . I know we were oblivious . Periodically we would hear from my aunt . She always informed us that she was updating her will . She needed names and eventually married names for each of us . She also needed addresses . I felt a bit insulted every time she did that . It was the only time we heard from her and it seemed as if she was trying to bribe us into caring about her . She was not easy to care about but we did . When Daddy died Aunt Beernice came to the funeral . She spent a lot of time trying to dig up dirt about our family . It would be fodder for her to take to any other distant family members to make her look better than us . She even cornered my brother 's ex - wife and wanted to know what horrible things he had done to make their marriage fail . My sister - in - law ( bless her ) told her that she and my brother still cared for each other very much . They just wanted different things from life . ( She is still a member of the family by the way . ) She was going on and on about it . My husband was not stupid . He knew what she was doing . He finally looked her square in the eye and said , " That 's Pa 's chair you 're sitting in . Nobody sits in Pa 's chair . " Then he walked out of the room . When Aunt Bernice died she really did leave us some money . I received an inheritance of $ 300 . It benefited my family at a time we really needed it . It was truly a nice thing for her to do . I cannot honestly say I miss my aunt . I only saw her a few times in my life so there was not a bonding between us . I regret that . But I do admire her business acumen . And her middle name was the same as my real first name . I suppose that was how my parents knew that they could use a feminine form of my father 's name for me . So I will always have something of her with me at all times . I love music . . . any kind of music . My children like music but they do not know how to enjoy it . At a concert they just sit and listen . Most of my nieces and nephews are the same as my children . No fun . My youngest sister had a second son . From the beginning I could tell he would enjoy the music . He could not even sit up by himself but he could bop around in time to the music . As he got older he spent a lot of time listening to music . He was not even in school yet when he began playing air guitar . Jimi Hendrix had nothing on my nephew . He liked Tie Your Mother Down , I Got My Mind Set On You , and Old Time Rock and Roll . We sang along using our marvelous singing voices . It was such fun . I must have the world 's most common face . All my life I have had people tell me that I look just like someone they know . It is amusing most of the time but sometimes I wish I had something unique to distinguish me from other people . live next door to me ! " After so many times of this happening I have learned to just smile and say , " Really ? I guess I just have a common face . " for scrap . We salvaged usable parts and sent the remains to larger scrap dealers . I was the one who dealt with the public . I also dealt with other companies , like the larger scrap companies . I went to the small factory that made the work gloves we used . I went to the company that supplied the propane we used to power the cutting torches . You get the idea . was a company that rebuilt auto parts like carburetors and starters then resold them . Mary was the one who picked up the gloves and propane for her company . I would walk into one of these companies and be greeted with , " Hi . Mary . We 've got your order ready . " When I would tell them I was not Mary I was always told , " You look just like MetaCore Mary . " After a couple of years of this I finally crossed paths with MetaCore Mary . I had gone to refill the propane tanks . I was waiting for my turn when I heard the man at the counter refer to the woman in front of me as MetaCore Mary . I had to get I said , " So you 're MetaCore Mary . " She turned around with a guarded expression . I guess she thought I was going to accuse her of something . I could see a resemblance but it only looked like we might be related , not that we looked alike . I told her about how I had been mistaken for her for several years and I just wanted to see what she looked like . She started to laugh and had a hard time stopping . was from Bohemia . He still had a bit of an accent even after all the years he had been in the United States . He had a fringe of hair around his head the way you might think a monk would look . And his voice was high pitched probably because of age . Great - grandpa seemed small to me because he was slightly bent with age . But actually he was a big man . He had a barrel chest and from what I heard he was strong as could be . Great - grandpa 's parents died when he was young . His mother died from burns she received in a fire . Great - grandpa and his brother were brought to the United States by his uncle who raised them as his own . I cannot imagine what it must have been like for two young boys to make that trip across the ocean to a new I am not sure how many children there were . I know that there was at least one son , named after Great - grandpa . He died in a trucking accident after he was grown and had a family . I do know there were two daughters , my grandmother and My great - grandmother died when my grandma was very young . Great - grandpa had farmhands but he needed all the help he could get . So my great - aunt was chosen to help in the fields Grandma was too small to be any help so she stayed in and kept house . Even at that young age she was responsible for seeing to it that all the men and her sister were properly and completely fed . Needless to say she was not a fancy cook , but boy oh boy , what she did cook was the absolute best . begged to be able to help with milking the cows but her hands were too small . By the time her hands were big enough she saw what being out in the sun and weather every day had done to her sister 's skin . Grandma decided the kitchen was good enough for her . to sit and listen to him talk with his accent . The strange thing is that I do not remember one thing he ever said . I listened to the grown - ups talking because that was how I learned a lot of the family stories . As I said , I thought Great - grandpa was a leprechaun . One year for Mother 's Day he gave Grandma a shamrock plant . That clinched it ! He was a leprechaun ! I am ashamed to admit I was a teenager before I discovered the truth . I have told you before how my siblings and I seemed to attract strange people . It aggravated my mother because she really did not find them amusing or entertaining . At times she worried for our safety . There was a strange young man who wandered into our place of business one day . He seemed shy and when he talked he would drop his head and speak into his chest . Of course my husband hired him . He was so strange that even I wanted nothing to do with him . My husband said maybe we should allow him to come home and stay with us . I stood my ground and refused . We had four small children . This guy was really weird . I told my three boys to push their dresser against their door when they went to bed . Their room was next to ours so we would hear before he could get at them . I took my daughter to bed with us . Now I was not worried about him molesting the children . I simply was not sure about his mental state . I did not know who he talked to when he was seemingly talking to himself . I did not want him in my house . He was to leave in the morning and not come back . One day this young man went along for the ride . At customs they asked him about his citizenship . He lowered his head and mumbled into his chest . After several tries the agents took him from the truck and put him into a holding area . They sent the truck driver on his way . My husband went and managed to get him released . He decided to go home wherever that was . He was hitch - hiking late at night and jumped in front of a car to make it stop so he could get a ride . The driver did not see him until it was too late . He was killed instantly . Someone should have gotten treatment for him when he was much younger . He was one of those people who seem to be normal until you start to talk to him . His ideas were " off - the - wall " and odd . He seemed to be obsessed with the way people 's ( especially female people ) bodies functioned . It was never a sexual thing . I think he just wanted to learn . He halfway moved into their home . My sister - in - law would complain to me that he was constantly going through the medicine cabinet and other storage places in the bathroom . He did not take anything ; he was just snooping . He was always hungry . My sister - in - law said she could not keep any food because he ate it all . He did not work so he was underfoot for her all day . When my brother - in - law came home from work Crazy Jim latched onto him . My niece had no patience with him . She kept kicking him out . He would wait until his " buddy " came home from work so he could go back in the house . My brother - in - law would tease my children the way any good uncle will do . One day my oldest son won a rubber hot dog at a carnival . He decided to get his uncle before his uncle could get him . With a little help from his aunt who supplied a bun and some mustard my son served the hot dog to his uncle . His uncle saw what it was and did not want it . Crazy Jim almost hurt himself grabbing the hot dog . He was disappointed when he bit into it . He did eat the bread and mustard though . The Keyman was called that because he just knew he was going to get rich making keys . After his mother died he sold her house and lived in a camper . And made keys . He was another who latched onto my brother - in - law after he was introduced . I might interject here that part of the reason was that I would not allow these people to stay with us . My sister - in - law was much nicer than I . This partnership will be a bit confusing as I introduce them . Please bear with me . Bob was a nice young man with a family when we met him . He worked at the junkyard doing whatever was asked of him . He was a house painter by trade and belonged to the union . He would no longer paint for some reason . Bob was a veteran of the Viet Nam War . As with many he was not quite right . He was deemed to be 100 % disabled and received a whole $ 80 per month . His children received more than he did . He was always a nice guy . Red was a teenager when we met him . Again a nice guy . My sister dated him for a few months . Eventually they were no longer seeing each other . We took him over to my brother - in - law 's house . It was there he met my sister - in - law 's sister . In time they were married and had several children . Their marriage did not last . Neither did mine . Red 's ex - wife and my ex - husband married a few years later . Red was sure they had been seeing each other all along . I am just as sure that they were not . In the big city panhandlers often stand at the exit from the expressway begging for money . These people often take in more money in a few hours than many of us do all week . But these two got greedy . They discovered that if they jumped too close to a car or even in front of it and claimed to have been hit the motorist would be more likely to give them a large amount of money rather than wait for the police and have to file an insurance claim . It was a good scam for them . For a while . One day Red jumped out in front of a loaded semi truck . Of course the driver could not stop . Red was hit and severely injured . He was in the hospital for more than a week before he died . Everybody called him Doc . I never knew his real name . He was a middle aged man who owned his own tow truck . He worked for us for a couple of years . Most of the time I think he lived in his truck . Doc was diabetic . He kept his insulin in his truck which was not a good idea . The temperature in the truck was not good for storage of a medication that needs to be kept cool . It was also not hygienic . No one could convince him that his lifestyle was dangerous to his health . There was an older man who worked in a junkyard near us . They did not pay him because he had a drinking problem . I think they meant well but giving a person a couple of meals each day does not compensate him for all the work he did . He once told me that he did not know how old he was . He had a sister in one of the southern states . He knew her name and had an old address for her . Because he could not read or write I wrote to her for him . There was never a reply . He became too old to do the manual labor he had done all his life . He was still alert . I needed someone to care for my children when they came home from school until I came home from work . The old man stayed with us and we cared for him in return for watching the children . They loved him so it was a good arrangement . A couple of older women lived next door to us . They came over to discuss the fire . Then one of them leaned over to ask me about the man staying with us . I explained that he was there to help with the children , She whispered , " But he 's black . " I whispered back , " I know . But it doesn 't rub off . " I always wished I had told her that he was the real father of the kids . Oh well . He grew tired of staying indoors and moved on . They found him in a car at a used car lot . It was the middle of winter and he had climbed in to try to get warm . It was too late . There was a man who worked for us in the junkyard . He was a decent worker and we got along with him . But he was not a good family man . He had several children but this is about his oldest son . I cannot say he was a good kid . His father taught him to steal cars . The reasoning was that if he got caught he would only be sentenced to a juvenile facility rather than prison . The man was cruel and apparently beat his wife and children when the mood hit him . Sometimes he would want to hit his wife but was either too drunk or too lazy . So he would make his son go beat his mother . The kid would come over to visit at our house often . He was always polite . And believe it or not he never tried to take anything from us . If we allowed the kids to run across the street to get some candy he went along to make sure they were not cheated . He came to me one night and told me his mother was in the hospital . He had no way to go see her and it was in a neighboring city with a better hospital . I told him I would take him . I stayed at the hospital with him all night . He slept on the floor when he could sleep . . His mother died the next morning . He was hurt but glad he had been there for her . She knew he had never wanted to hurt her . He sort of latched onto my son in later years . He had a serious drinking and drug problem . My son would feed him and let him clean up at his house . He had been gone a while . My son rented the house to someone else and moved to a new house . The kid went to the house looking for my son . Of course the people told him my son did not live there now . He did not believe them and threatened them . They called my son . The mother and grandmother of my son 's oldest daughter called him demanding to know what happened . Apparently the kid ( who I should point out is at least 10 years older than my son ) revived . The two women took him into their house . It was not a fun time for them . He had soiled himself . My sister had been divorced for a while . She began to see a young man and was anxious for me to meet him . I have to tell you that in the beginning every time he stood near my sister my fists were balled up ready to strike . Then I warmed up to him a bit . That was when I found out that his best friend from childhood was the leader of the local Nazis . Needless to say I was furious . My sister 's boyfriend was having a birthday party and she asked if my husband and I would go . I said absolutely not . She begged . She pleaded . She said they had promised that no one would come in uniform . His parents ( who also did not approve ) were going to be there . I relented and my husband and I went . I was sitting in a chair across the room from my husband trying to get his attention . One of those people came over and began whispering in my ear . He was trying to make time with me ! His mistake was bragging about him being a Nazi . As he was degrading Jews I turned to him ever so sweetly . I smiled my most adorable smile . In the most genteel voice I could muster I innocently said , " You know I 'm Jewish don 't you ? " Once the Nazi group disbanded the leader became a loyal friend to my ex - husband . He had lost everything including his family . They moved on . He became very ill and died . The reason I thought to write this now is that I received a Facebook friend request from another kid who is no longer a kid . He was an odd kid who was so anxious to please . Many people took advantage of him . A lot of them teased him . But he had a good heart . He had been the best friend of the brother of one of my friends . He was devastated when his friend died of a drug overdose . To my knowledge he did not do drugs himself . When we went out to look at it one of the tires was flat . I told him I had a can of Fix - A - Flat he could have . He happily went out to put it in his tire so he could drive to get a different tire . In a few minutes he came in and said it did not work . I went out to check on it . I saw the foam from the Fix - A - Flat oozing from at least 20 little holes . I am not much for talking on the telephone . I used to be but now I find the telephone to be a necessary inconvenience . I used to know phone numbers for everyone by heart . I even knew phone numbers that I decided to un - memorize them all . I was so successful that now I cannot remember numbers at all . Even my home number takes some work to recite . The only number I could not get rid of is the number we had for about four months that we lived in one little town . It was 246J . home and have a flat tire for instance . Or if your home phone is not working you have a way to call and find out why . I do not know what the number for this cell phone is . to me and left the room . The caller was a girl I went to school with . She and her family were having a " carnival " and she was inviting me . had to have permission so I went to ask Mom . Before I left the room I replaced the phone in its cradle . When Mom came in of course there was nobody on the other end . No problem . . . Mom would just call back . Problem . . . I did not know the little girl 's last name . When any phone on the party line rang you would hear your phone ring . Each phone had a distinctive ring of its own . You might get two shorts and a long , or three longs , or a long a short and a picked up your phone while another phone on the line was in use you could hear the conversation . It was considered bad etiquette to listen to any of those conversations . It was called rubbernecking or rubbering in . You also had to keep your conversations to a minimum so that tha line was available for others to use . I went to high school in a fairly large city for the area I lived in . My high school had several offices , each of which had their own phones . However it was far too costly for each office to have its own line . So we had a switchboard . It needed an operator to connect the calls and that was also a huge expense . The solution was to have students ( meaning female students because boys should not have to do that type of job ) man the switchboard . these wires . The wires came in pairs and each pair was the same color . Beneath each wire was a light . There was a phone dial slightly to the right in case an outgoing call was being made . And of course there was my headset so I could hear and speak to the person calling . a call came in I took the wire above the lighted light , plugged it in , and answered the phone appropriately and asked how I could direct the call . As soon as I knew where the call needed to go I pulled the other wire of the colored set , plugged it in to the corresponding phone line , and pushed a button that would signal for that office to answer the phone . Then both lights were lit . As soon as the parties had finished their call and disconnected the lights would go out . Then I would unplug things happen to me on the phone . One time I called my mother and my sister answered . She said , " Heeeeeeellloooooo . " in a slow lazy way . Playing along I said , " Heeeeelllooooo . " back at her . I said " Whatcha dooooiiinggg ? " " Ooooh noooothing muuuuch . " Suddenly I realized I was not I called the information operator . As she was looking fo the number I needed she began to tell me what a bad day she was having . I was sympathetic . The call progressed to her telling me about the big fight she had with her boyfriend the night before . She had thrown out his clothes . I was on the phone with her for well over an hour and would you I called to talk to my mother . My sister answered so I was chatting with her . Suddenly I asked her if she was eating Cheerios . She was surprised and said , " How did you know ? " I told her I could smell them . evening while i was trying to cook supper the phone rang . I said ; " Hello . " I heard " mmmnedc gtortbnksnfwethn " . " I 'm sorry I did not catch that . What did you say ? " " mdfwkjhgwu9fwpghs ; has " " Could you please repeat that ? " " sdoghprghsfbdo ; ghudgnb ; ad " " Please speak a little slower . took me a long time to realize that the telephone is mine . If I choose not to answer it I can . With the innovation of voice mail anyone who has something important to say can leave a message if I am busy or just do not feel like talking . I will call back at my convenience . So call me . . . Mom wanted her own car . She had use of Daddy 's car whenever it was available but she decided she wanted her own . The thing was that she was a homemaker and did not have an outside job . She wanted having a job outside the home meant no money . She could not get a job because she would not have regular availability of the car . What to do ? Daddy told her he would get her a car and she adamantly refused . inventive mother decided to collect refundable bottles and cans to see if she could raise the money on her own . She collected all the bottles that her children were too lazy to return to the store . She regularly visited our houses to pick them up . She also scouted along the streets of the city and picked up bottles and cans that people had littered the area with . cash them in . The money she received was placed in a bank account she had opened specifically as her auto account . It added up surprisingly fast . So as she still collected the bottles she began shopping for a car . her criteria . It was compact but had a roomy trunk . It was a used car but ran well . That was the only contribution Daddy was allowed to make . He checked out the car to make sure it was in good condition for her . it was what she wanted . The paint was an ugly color . I do not even remember what it looked like but I do remember it was ugly . But Mom was happy with it . Mom and I were involved with a small company in which we taught people to paint on fabrics and metals . The hope was that the people would enjoy it so much they would purchase the paint and other supplies from us . We did moderately well . used the money I made to buy things for my family . Mom reinvested in product . She had paints to be used with brushes , thinner , remover , brushes , and spray paints . She bought things by the case and got really good deals . I said her car was an ugly color . Mom decided that since she had all this spray paint she would paint her car . She got the necessary items like masking tape to help cover windows and chrome and got the car ready She had several cases of phosphorescent blue so she chose that . Being the capable and artistic person she was she did a good job with her painting . The car looked great . My parents did not have a garage . No one in that neighborhood did . They all parked on the street in front of their houses . My parents ' bedroom also happened to be in the front of the house . The first night Mom parked her car in front of the house after her paint job they noticed a strange glow out front when they went to bed . It was an eerie bluish light . Aliens ? UFO ? Nope . Mom 's fluorescent blue car . Daddy got a good chuckle out of that . in the big city has definite drawbacks . One is the amount of crime . Often the people committing the crimes tried to elude police by hiding in residential areas where it was easier to conceal themselves from the authorities . If the crime was serious enough the police would call out the helicopter to help them search . strong searchlight that they play over the area . Often they can see things that are not visible from the ground . It also illuminates areas that the ground police might not be able to see well . It is a good tool and being in the big city we saw that helicopter quite often . night Mom and Daddy were asleep when the helicopter began to make so much noise that it woke them up . Daddy got up to see what was going on . After all you do not want criminals loose in your neighborhood . Almost immediately he told Mom to get dressed and come out front which she did . Outside were several squad cars and the helicopter hovering very low above the street . They had been chasing someone when the helicopter spotted this glowing blue object and reported it . Squad cars were immediately summoned to the area . There sat Mom had that car for several years . Because it was a used car when she got it problems eventually were troublesome . She kept it in repair as long as she could but she finally had to let go of it . She had other cars after that but never any that she loved as much . She told me that one day she was riding the bus going downtown with her little boy . He was misbehaving the way children tend to do . My niece was embarrassed because she could not make him settle down . Finally she said , " If you don 't settle down I 'm going to tell your mother that I won 't babysit any more ! " My sister - in - law also had divorced her husband so all of them along with my three nephews moved to another state . There my niece was married again . So was my sister - in - law but that is for another day . She has been ill for quite some time . Her little oxygen tank became her best friend . That made things hard for her because she had long been a heavy smoker .

So I 'm in another one of those weird places - you know , where my mind is going a million miles an hour about a million different things but I can 't pinpoint a single thing that I 'm actually thinking about . Yesterday was rough for some reason . I had all sorts of plans to get all sorts of things done , and I didn 't do ANYTHING . Literally . I sat around all day , playing on the computer , watching movies with the kids , and eating . I won 't even go into the amount of food that I ate yesterday - it disgusts me to think about it . One of the things that I can pinpoint as being directly on my mind is my ex - husband 's family . For almost two years , they have had zero contact with our son . Wait , I take that back . His grandmother sent him a couple of birthday cards and Christmas cards . Nothing from his grandfather . Nothing from his uncles . No phone calls from anyone . Nothing . My ex used the excuse at one point that the restraining order forbid them to have contact - that 's pushing it a bit , but still only accounts for about 7 months out of the last 2 years . The day after my ex died , his sister - in - law called me and informed me that the family wants to " have a relationship " with my son . I got angry and told her exactly how I feel about that family and the way that they have ignored my son 's existence for the last 2 years , and that I wasn 't sure that I wanted him to have any sort of relationship with them . After all , he is 3 1 / 2 . His father has been out of his life for almost 2 years . He doesn 't remember him , he doesn 't ask about him , and he certainly has no clue about anyone in his father 's family - what is the point of introducing these strangers into his life ? They live 1600 miles away - it 's not like they 're going to be popping over for tea on a regular basis . This is something that I am really struggling with . In a perfect world , they would have maintained a relationship with my son throughout this whole ordeal . They would have cared about him enough to call him and check on him and make sure that he was ok . But they didn 't . They didn 't care . They walked out of his life as soon as I kicked his drunk father out of ours . In the 3 + weeks since I had that conversation with the sister - in - law , I have heard exactly NOTHING from any of them . They have not sent me the paperwork for the trust fund that they supposedly set up for my son and his older brother . They have not called my son . They have not sent him a letter or a card or even an email . Yet they want to have a relationship with him ? Are they waiting for me to make the first move ? If they are , they 're going to be waiting a heck of a long time . In my opinion , they have already written him off . They have ignored his existence for two years . The sister - in - law didn 't even know what YEAR he was born - she was shocked when I gave her his date of birth for the trust fund paperwork . It 's not like she didn 't remember the exact day , but to not even know the year ? ? ? I know that I should forgive and forget , let bygones be bygones , etc . etc . etc . But the fact is that I am extremely angry with them . They ignored my son . They took my ex back into the fold and provided him with a place to live and food to eat and ( most likely ) liquor to drink . They continued to enable him , rather than make him take responsibility for his own actions . They blame me for the lack of contact between him and my son - hey guess , what ? I 'm not going to put my son on the phone with someone who is so drunk that he can 't even form complete sentences . Call me crazy if you want , but I 'm not going to do it . I gave him so many chances to clean up his act , but he chose not to . Yes , alcoholism is a disease - but there is treatment for the disease , should the affected individual CHOOSE to seek that treatment . He chose not to . Had he sought treatment and counseling , he could have had all the contact that he wanted with my son . This is one of those times that I wish I could see into the future and see the various outcomes that could happen . I would like to know if allowing ( or not allowing ) a relationship between my son and his father 's family is the best thing for my son . Because in the big picture , it doesn 't matter what I think or feel about them - it is about what is best for my son . Personally , right now , at this moment in time , I think it 's best to pretend that they don 't exist , just as they have done to him . He is too young to understand who they are . I feel like they only want to have this so - called relationship for their own selfish reasons - they aren 't thinking about what is best for him , only what is best for them . But now that I 've gotten all that off of my chest ( wow , I really didn 't mean to type that much ) I have to get back to cleaning and laundry and running my daughter 's lunchbox across town to give to the stepmother and watching the race and watching the weather ( hail in February ? really ? ) and figuring the bills and all sorts of other stuff that I have to work on today . Maybe I can be more productive today than I was yesterday . Probably the most excitement that we 've had is that when my 5 year old got off the bus from preschool yesterday , his bus driver handed me a letter informing me that the preschool was now closed . Until further notice . That 's it . It 's closed . Wha . . . . . . . . . . ? The driver and the aide were both in tears - they had been informed just before they brought the kids home . The letter was vague at best - something about looking for a new grantee to run the program and they would reopen as soon as possible , blah blah blah . OK , luckily I don 't have a " real " job so in the grand scheme of things , it 's not that big of a deal . But at the same time , I am so incredibly angry . There are other parents who work outside of the home who now have no one to watch their kid ( s ) while this grantee business is worked out . The kids are now totally thrown out of their routine . It 's a mess . No one knows anything . Typical of a government funded program , I suppose . I did finally receive my temporary daycare license in the mail today . I have been struggling with what I want to do as far as the daycare goes . Honestly , it 's a hassle . Not the kids themselves , but the paperwork and the inspections and all that jazz . I enjoy the kids - I just don 't enjoy the other stuff . I had almost decided that I didn 't want to do it at all , other than the little bit of part time stuff that I do now . But , now that I have my license in hand , I think I 'm going to go through with it and just keep it as a part time gig . I have other sources of income now , and running a daycare can now be more of a " fun " thing to do rather than something that I have to do . I think it 's all going to work out just fine in the end . So , because I just don 't have anything fun or witty or deep to say tonight , I figured I 'd give posting pictures a try . I was down to only one kid for most of the day today , so we went out on a little pre - half - marathon jaunt , for a grand total of 7 . 24 miles . I took my camera and got some random shots along the way . . . . He has the best vantage point on our walks . He gets to sit back , relax , suck his thumb , play with a few toys , and chatter about everything that he sees . I love to see the world through his eyes ! So there you have it . . . . . 7 . 24 miles summed up in a bunch of pictures . Maybe I 'll have something more brilliant to say tomorrow . But until then , I get to play the role of Vomit Wrangler Extraordinaire . Yay me ! Today was interesting . Since the little one let me sleep until almost 10am ( a perk of him staying up playing until midnight last night when he finally decided that he wasn 't sick anymore ) I was a bit slow to get moving . My 5 year old came home shortly after that and I wandered around the house , still in the clothes that I slept in with my medusa - like hair flying around my head . Next thing I know , there 's a knock at my door . Not just any knock , but the loud * BAM * * BAM * * BAM * that can only come from law enforcement . Sure enough , there 's a sheriff on my front porch , wanting to know if some guy lived here . I said no , and he asked me , " are you sure ? " Uh yeah , buddy . I might look like hell , but I 'm pretty sure I do know who lives here ! Once I convinced him that I did not know the guy and that he never lived here with me , he apologized for bugging me and left . Whoa . OK , that was strange . Another knock at the door , this time nicely and politely . It was a gentleman from the electric company , informing me that they were going to be cutting power to my house so that they could replace a transformer . Oh , yay . I thanked him for the warning , shut down the computer , and got the boys ready to go grocery shopping . We went out to get in the She - Beast , and she had somehow slipped into a coma . * growl * So what did we do ? We walked to the grocery store . OK , it 's not like it 's that far - it 's only a block and it looked nice enough out . We got jackets on and started walking , and then I realized that it was actually pretty cold out . Dammit . Anyway , we got to the store and got some stuff . I only got about half of the things on my list because we were walking , but I still overestimated the weight that I was going to have to carry home . Thankfully I had brought my reusable bags , so once they were crammed full we headed out to go back to the house . Perfect timing , as the electric trucks were pulling out of the alley as we walked across the front yard . In the meantime , I had emailed a friend about the comatose She - Beast , and so he showed up to jump it for me . We hooked it up to his truck , she started , we let her run and she seemed to be fine . Hopefully she won 't have an attitude in the morning again . Stupid thing . Then another friend called and asked if he could come over - he was having troubles with love and needed to talk for a while , so we hung out and chatted . After he left , the boys finally wound down and crashed on the couch and I tossed them into bed and started playing around on Facebook . The things I see on there amaze me . The love and support to the family of my classmate that passed away yesterday is uplifting to say the least . I see new relationships forming , relationships that are troubled , relationships ending , expectant mothers receiving chemo , the long - unemployed getting jobs , deaths , births , illnesses , recoveries , venting , rejoicing - it 's all there . People that I haven 't seen in 20 + years have been an unrelenting source of support for me as I have gone through all the BS of the past year or so , and sometimes it still catches me by surprise . And I see some of the struggles that my friends are going through , both near and far , and it makes me realize that no matter how crappy of a day I 've had , someone else has had a worse one . And when I 'm having a good day , I can pass along some cheer and smiles to someone who needs it . Facebook is a powerful thing . The good thing though , is that I have accomplished most of the stuff on my list today . I did the girls ' laundry , I stripped and remade their beds ( I just have to put the blanket and comforter back on the top bunk and then I can say that task is done , and they 're both in the dryer ) and I vacuumed their room . I organized the freezers and I got half of the grocery shopping done . Tomorrow I am going to straighten up the boys ' room , do their laundry , strip their beds , hopefully wash the towels , and work with Connie for a few hours . As long as the She - Beast starts , I should be in good shape , but we 'll see if that happens . * crossing fingers * But for now , I believe that I am going to go watch whatever movie it was that I rented last night . I can 't even remember what I got at this point . I think I have once again lost my mind . Another night where I just don 't even know what to say . My mind is going a bajillion miles an hour , but I can 't seem to form a coherent thought . The unexpected loss of our high school classmate at the young age of 40 has been on my mind most of the day , and has had me rethinking some things . Heather was the last person that I would have ever expected to have had a heart attack . She seemed to be so happy and so healthy . She hiked and had a garden and a good job and just seemed happy . She was only 2 weeks older than I am , and when someone who is your age dies , it makes you think about how it could happen to you too . Or , at least it does that to me , but I also tend to overanalyze things . Still . . . it got me to thinking . . . there are so many things that I could be doing to be healthier in so many ways . I know I could eat better . I know I need to exercise more . I know I need to take care of my finances better . I know I need to keep the house neater and more organized . OK , so maybe these don 't all relate to physical health , but they are part of my overall health . And I know that I 've made half - hearted efforts at these things before , but I never follow through with them . So , I have some goals for the next few days . I am going to list them out here with the hopes that it will help to keep me accountable and on track . Yeah , we 'll see how that works . Anyway , here they are , in no particular order : 2 . Make grocery list from the aforementioned menu . I cleaned out my cabinets the other day so it should be easy to make the list and not buy a bunch of stuff that I don 't need . 4 . Actually set aside time on my calendar to work out - either walking or working out if the weather is bad . But scheduled the time and then stick to it . I do have a half - marathon to prepare for , you know . 5 . Set aside time every day to actually balance my checkbook . * gasp * I haven 't done that in about 2 years . Time to start over . I have to take better care of myself . It 's something that I 've never done , and I know now that I have to . No one else is going to do it for me . We all got up this morning and I managed to get everyone up and dressed and fed and to school on time , and then the 2 younger ones and I came home , as they didn 't have school today . I called Connie to let her know that we would not be coming to see her , as Sir Pukesalot was continuing to spew from both ends , and I didn 't think that it was a good idea to expose her to that . So we tentatively rescheduled for Tuesday . I spent the day rotating between laundry , mopping , disinfecting , dishes , holding the puke can , racing the little one to the toilet , and trying to sit and relax occasionally . It was nuts . But I did get a lot of cleaning done around the house , and the floors actually look really good for a change . Now , if I can only keep them that way . . . . . After the older kids got home , we ate supper ( leftovers ! ) and then went out to run a few errands . The brake lights on my dash are still on from the near - accident yesterday , so I know that I 'm going to need to get those looked at soon . We stopped and got a card for a high school classmate who is going through some major health issues ( mental note : put in mail tomorrow ) and then we went and got some milk and ice cream . After we got home , I let the girls run across the street to rent a couple of movies and then everyone started to relax a little bit . I * think * that everyone might be asleep , which makes me wonder - why am I still up ? I did manage to get some sleep last night , but if I went to be now , I could theoretically get 8 or 9 hours of sleep , barring any unexpected spewage from any of the kids . Now where was I ? Honestly , I have no idea . These last 2 days have really just blended into one big long puke - filled ordeal . Thank God tomorrow is Saturday , we don 't have to get up early ( although I 'm sure I will anyway ) , we don 't have to go anywhere , and maybe we can just relax . I haven 't checked the weather , but if it 's decent hopefully we can get outside and play ( assuming the pukage stops ) and just have a good day . I need a break . . . . . didn 't get any better . Once the 5 year old went to preschool for the afternoon , Sir Poopsalot and I laid down for a little bit and took a nap while the 6 year old ( who really wasn 't sick ) amused himself and played quietly . I didn 't get much sleep , but I felt a little bit better . By the time everyone got home from school , I had made yet another executive decision and announced that we were going to walk to McDonald 's to get food . The little one seemed to be doing better , and he * wanted * to go , so I took that as a good sign . While we were walking there ( it 's less than a block away - dangerous for a fast food junkie like myself ) I happened to look down and lo and behold , there was a $ 20 on the ground ! Woot ! That just about covered supper for all of us ! Bonus ! Anyway , we got our food , came back home , ate , and then went outside to play . While we were out there I scoped out the back yard trying to figure out exactly how I am going to fence it in to meet daycare regulations . I really need to talk to the landlord and see if he will work with me on it - then I can put up something decent . If he doesn 't , it 's going to be cheap and ugly . But we played , we threw a football around and then we came inside to get ready for bed . Once we got inside , the little one crawled up onto the couch and fell asleep again . I started baths for the others and then of course , he got sick ( think Exorcist ) again . I stripped him on the couch and carried him at arm 's length to the bathtub . Once I got him in the water and cleaned up , I stripped the covers off of the couch cushions and threw those , the throw pillows , and his clothes in the washer . More baths , more cleaning , more homework . . . bedtime drama . . . once I got them all into bed I sat down to relax a little bit and then mopped the worst of the floors , so now I am sitting here inhaling all sorts of * ahem * lovely smells from my house . I talked to a friend for a while on the phone , and realized that I haven 't spoken to her since my ex passed away . Honestly , I haven 't spoken to a lot of my friends . I 've been in my own little world , dealing with my own drama , trying not to dump it on anyone else ( other than here , but you can make the choice whether or not to read it ) . My life has changed dramatically in so many ways in the 15 days since he died . I realized that I no longer have to live in fear of him coming back and causing problems for me or our son . I don 't have to live in hiding like I have been doing . I don 't have to constantly look over my shoulder anymore . I don 't think that a lot of people realized how much I feared something happening if he showed up here again . But at the same time , I realized that in a way , I did still love him . I knew realistically that he would probably never sober up and be a decent father , but I still hoped that he would have . As I 've looked at old pictures over the past 2 weeks , I 've smiled thinking about the good times that we had - but I have also shed more tears over the bad times . I have gone through every emotion imaginable , and I feel like maybe I am starting to come to grips with it all . I feel like I am finally starting to handle things better , and I feel like in the grand scheme of things , we are going to be ok . I admit that I stayed up way too late last night . I got on the phone with a friend and we chatted until close to 1 : 30am . Knowing that I had to be up at 5 : 15 , I finally got off the phone and laid down , but it was probably close to 2 : 00am before I fell asleep . The next thing I knew , my oldest daughter came out to get me telling me that the youngest had thrown up . Huh ? What ? Who are you ? In my fog , I staggered back to his room and the smell woke me up instantly , and I realized that it was about 2 : 45am . I got him stripped and into the bathtub , as that was the only hope for him at that point , and took his comforter and pajamas and immediately threw them into the washer . I got him into a fresh pair of jammies and put him in bed with me . By this time , it was close to 3 : 30am . He fell asleep , but from that point on , he woke up and puked more about every 30 - 45 minutes . I knew that I still had to get the 3 older kids to school and so around 6 : 00am I sent a text to their stepmother asking if she could please come and pick them up , as I didn 't want to take the chance of him getting sick on the way to or from , and thankfully she agreed . In the meantime all of the kids were getting up and getting ready , and the 6 year old just didn 't look right . Sure enough , he started saying that his stomach hurt . Fine - I made the executive decision to keep him home as well . I got the pancakes made , got everyone fed who wanted to eat , and sent the girls to school with their stepmother . I dozed off and on while the boys played but then had to get up to get the 5 year old to playschool . About this time , the youngest one 's diarrhea started . Fun fun . As we pulled into the playschool parking lot , a car started backing out of a parking space and came within inches of slamming into my door ( ironically , the car had PA tags on it ) so I slammed on my brakes and hit the horn . I felt the brakes lock up but didn 't think too much about it . I pulled up behind the school , took the 5 year old inside , and when I came back out I noticed that both my " brake " light and my " anti - lock " light were lit up on the dash . I turned the van off and back on thinking that might reset them , but no , the lights stayed on while we drove home . The brakes feel ok , I think - I just don 't know why the lights won 't go off . Add it to the list of repairs . Now for the rest of the day it 's laundry and cleaning to try to get the smell of vomit out of the house , figure out something for supper ( as usual ) , homework , paperwork - I was going to try to do some grocery shopping but I 'm not sure if I can do that with Sir Poopsalot , but I need to figure something out . And maybe at some point I can actually take the time to get a shower . Excitement ! ! ! Yep , it 's Wednesday . Wednesdays are notoriously crazy around this house . It is the first night that the older 3 come back here from their dad 's house , and they are always fired up . It started out as a fairly easy day . I got to sleep in a little bit , and I didn 't have any extra kids for the day . I also didn 't have to go take care of Connie today , so there was no place that I had to be . After I got the 5 year old on the bus to preschool , I decided to take the youngest and go for a walk - after all , if I am going to do this half - marathon in May , I need to really start working for it . The weather was perfect , so we loaded up the stroller and took off . I had mapped out my route before we left and was aiming for 6 . 5 - 7 miles - I wanted to do at least half of a half - marathon . We stopped at the library to drop off some books , stopped at the post office to check the box , and kept going . 6 . 63 miles later , I turned off the tracker on the phone because I was getting tired and screwing up my pace , and we stopped to get lunch ( I got a salad ) . We came home and I got a shower and cleaned all of the mud off of me ( stupid melting snow ) and then started getting supper ready while I cleaned up the house . In the meantime , I got a call from Social Security about my youngest son 's benefits that he 'll be receiving from his father - luckily that phone call went very smoothly , thanks to my ex - husband 's first wife getting the ball rolling for both of us . The same worker is handling both of the boys ' cases so she already had a lot of the information that she needed . I am so very thankful to her for giving me the name of the lady that she had spoken with as it made things so much easier . The older 3 got home around 5 : 30 and we had about an hour to eat before they had to leave again to go to church with their father and stepmother . They ate ( well , 2 out of the 3 did - the third refused because " it was gross " ) and played out in the front yard with the football until it was time for them to leave . There was some I Can 't Find My Shoes and I 'm Still Hungry drama , but no more than usual . After they left , I made the 2 younger ones clean up the toys in the living room under the Don 't Make Me Get A Trash Bag And Clean Up The Toys Myself threat . And of course , my body is feeling every inch of the 6 . 63 miles that I walked today . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again - ibuprofen is my friend . Hopefully I can walk in the morning , since I have to be up and running at 5 : 15am to get everyone up and ready so that I can get the older 3 to school on time . Please let me remember to set both of my alarms AND the timer on the coffee pot - I 'm going to need all of the help that I can get in the morning . Today started out ok . I got to sleep in a little bit , which is a rare treat . My 5 year old was brought back home after spending part of the weekend with his father , and we chilled out until it was time to start getting ready for school . Then I got the mail . Yup . That 's when it all started falling to pieces . Getting a letter from the Internal Revenue Service is never a good thing . NEVER . Long story short , apparently my dead ex - husband drained his 401K sometime in 2008 without my knowledge and then filed our taxes together without claiming that money as income . So now there is a nice chunk of money that * I * am responsible for . Really ? The IRS lady that I spoke with was actually really nice ( except for that horrendous Boston accent that makes my skin crawl every time I hear it ) and she was very understanding . But regardless , the money is coming out of * my * tax refund ( you know , the money I was planning on surviving on for a little bit ) , I have to file for Innocent Spouse Relief , and then if I qualify , they 'll give me the money back . Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things , but you know , I thought that I was done cleaning up his messes . That 's what I get for thinking . Whatever . I 'll deal with it . I 'll clean this one up too . I did a little bit of shopping today , and for the first time in probably a decade or more I bought myself a pair of pajamas . Yup . Why ? Because they were cute and dammit I wanted them . So there . So I am now sitting here sporting my new St . Patrick 's Day pajamas and drinking a beer just because I can . Yep . And no one can stop me . Deal with it . As I 've talked to friends and family about my ex 's death , I find myself wondering about the What Could Have Been scenario . You know , I always hoped that he would straighten up and be a decent father . I hoped that he would beat the alcoholism . I hoped , I hoped , I hoped . Then I rented " Charlie St . Cloud " tonight and sat here and watched it . I wasn 't impressed by the movie as a whole - ok , it wasn 't bad . . . just wasn 't fabulous . But throughout the whole movie I kept thinking about how the little boy , Sam , looked like my ex 's older son . And he was into baseball , like my ex . And he always wore a Red Sox ball cap , like my ex . One of Sam 's last lines in the movie was " no one ever gets to see what could have been " . I can sit here and think about all the potential scenarios of how our lives could have been different had we chosen to do things differently , but the point is that I 'll never know . I need to stop beating myself up over it . It is what it is . Now that I have that food for thought , I believe I am going to go crash . I have an early and long day tomorrow , with extra kids in and out and playschool and preschool and working with Connie and cleaning and laundry and all of the other fun stuff that I do on a daily basis . If I sleep now I can get a good 6 hours in before I * have * to get up . I mean really - if you 're in a relationship and you love someone , shouldn 't you show that person every day ? Shouldn 't you tell him / her every day , even multiple times a day , that you love him / her ? Do you really have to have the multi - bajillion dollar greeting card companies tell you when to be affectionate ? OK , so let 's say that you actually " celebrate " this day . You do everything that you are supposed to do - the flowers , the card , the chocolate , the fancy dinner - and then on February 15 , things go back to normal . But shouldn 't the " normal " be special ? Don 't " normal " days warrant displays of love and affection ? Or is it ok to NOT show love to your significant other just because it 's not a ( made - up ) holiday ? So I might be a little bitter about it just because I 'm not even in a relationship , so displays of affection for me consist of kisses from my kids and cards made out of construction paper ( which I do love ) , and this day just rubs my singleness in my face . Do I want to be in a relationship right now ? Mmmmmm . . . . maybe , maybe not . The jury is still out on that one . I miss having someone around , but I 'm also way too independent to have someone around all the time at this point . I do enjoy my singleness ( to a point ) but at the same time , I miss being part of a couple . I just get really aggravated with people who go all out for one day each year . I feel like their significant others are getting shafted every other day . Maybe I 'm old - fashioned . . . but I think that maybe if we treated our " special someone " better every other day of the year , a lot of people would be a lot happier . Just sayin ' . Oh , and for the record - I have felt the same way about this day for as long as I can remember - even when I was in a happy relationship . It 's not just me being bitter and single . So there . All I know is that I ran myself ragged yesterday . Up at 5 : 30 , got all 5 kids up and dressed and fed , out the door and into the She - Beast by 7 : 15am . I dropped the older 3 off at school and then ran about 15 miles up the road to take care of my lady ( I need to come up with a name for her . I feel weird calling her " my lady " but I 'm trying not to use real names on here . How about if I call her . . . . . oh my gosh I really can 't think of a good name . . . . I 'll call her Connie . I don 't know why , it just popped into my head , but it sounds good ) who shall now be called Connie . I got to her place shortly after 8am and got to work doing her laundry and cleaning her bathroom and doing dishes and stuff . The boys were watching movies in her living room and we actually behaving fairly well for a change . Connie 's brother came over with a gentleman who was outside shoveling the snow , and this man was nice enough to put more oil into the She - Beast , as I had mentioned that I was praying the whole way to her house that I was going to make it . Stupid oil leak . Anyway , he got the oil out of the back end and filled her up and she ran ok for the rest of the day . I worked with Connie until just afternoon and then took my 5 year old to school and stopped and got some lunch for me and the 3 year old before heading back up to her house to finish up some things . I stayed there for another hour and a half or so and then we had to head back to pick up the 5 year old ( yep , going to come up with names for the kids now too ) from school . I ran to the bank , picked him up , went to pick up some pizzas for supper , and ex # 1 met me there with the older three kids . Back home , pizzas in oven , straighten up , eat supper , load up the She - Beast , head back out to the kids ' school for a basketball game ( which turned out to be 2 games ) , try to control 5 kids through 2 basketball games , back home , kids to bed , more laundry , more dishes . . . . then I finally crashed . 3 : 20am today , I woke up with a leg cramp . Not a normal leg cramp either - you know , the ones in the calf that can be easily stretched out . No , this one had to be up the outside of my leg , from my ankle to my knee . I could 't stretch it , and since I was in an exhaustion - induced coma , I really couldn 't even figure out what was going on . So I wobbled over to the kitchen , slugged down some ibuprofen and a bottle of water , wobbled back to the futon and passed out again . Woke up at some point this morning and the 5 year old was snuggled in with me . Cool . At least he wasn 't trashing the joint - and I fell back asleep . Then the kids started getting up and I noticed that he was gone . And then I noticed the big wet spot on the futon . Then the 6 year old started screaming that the 5 year old pooped on the floor . Oh good God really ? REALLY ? So I got up and went to investigate . Sure enough . . . . So the 5 year old got a bath and got dressed , I stripped everything off of the futon , started laundry ( imagine that ) and got breakfast thrown in the oven . And it 's already 12 : 30 . How is it that I 've been running non - stop and still feel like I 've gotten nothing done yet ? But I do have some plans for some things that I do want to get done today - I just need to get some more caffeine into my system first . And maybe some more ibuprofen too . It 's Thursday . On Thursdays , I am supposed to have my two youngest boys at playschool at 9 : 00am . Since my other kids ended up spending the night with their dad because of the weather , I didn 't have to get up as early as I typically do on Thursdays , and I think I set my alarm for 7 : 30 . The boys got up and started playing around , and I continued laying on the futon , which was sooooo incredibly comfortable . And warm . The next thing I knew , it was 8 : 39am . I had exactly 21 minutes to get them to school , and by God they were going . These mornings are the ONLY times that I have time to myself and I was not giving it up . I grabbed some clothes for them and got them dressed and then took a quick look at myself . Luckily , I generally sleep in sweats , so if I have to I can make a quick public appearance before actually getting dressed . While it 's not my preference , it does occasionally happen . I grabbed some fruit snacks for them to eat on the way and we took off out the door . I got them to school at 9 : 05 and was feeling quite pleased with myself for being close to on time , and I went back home . When I got out of the She - Beast , I slammed the door and turned around to walk to the door , and as I did , I bumped into a low - hanging branch on the neighbor 's tree . Snow immediately dumped down the back of my bare neck and started melting down inside the back of my shirt . I bolted for the house , got inside , and was in the shower in about 2 . 5 seconds . I got out of the shower and got dressed and within moments there was a knock at my door . I wasn 't expecting anyone and there was not a car in the driveway , so I cautiously opened my door . It was my neighbor lady , who apologetically asked if she could come inside , as she had locked her keys in her car and couldn 't get back into her house . She had her cell phone with her so she had called her son to get him to at least let her back into her house and then she was calling her roadside assistance people to get the keys out of her car . We sat and visited for a while before her son arrived and she went back home . Another knock at the door . What the . . . . . ? I opened up and it was the lady from the health department who was here to do the next portion of the inspection for my daycare licensing . Needless to say , I haven 't done much of anything over the past week , so I now have a list of things that I * must * do this week . She left exactly 5 minutes before I had to leave to go get the boys . So much for my me - time . Grrr . I went to get them and then hurried back home so that the 5 year old could get on the bus for preschool . The plan was for me and my youngest to leave as soon as he got on the bus - normally at about 11 : 20am - so that we could head up the road to work for the lady that I try to work for a few times per week . We waited for his bus , and at about 11 : 30 I called the school , only to find out that the busses weren 't running today . Gee , thanks for letting me know that - NOT . So I told them that he wasn 't going to be at school today , as I had plans that I had to get to , and since I DIDN ' T KNOW that the busses weren 't running , my plans were already screwed up enough . We ran across town to get gas and some lunch for the boys , and his bus driver called me - she was following me and recognized the She - Beast ( who wouldn 't ? ) and was giving me a hard time , but also informed me that the busses weren 't running again tomorrow . Ugh . Mess up my day some more , will you ? Anyway , we got gas , got lunch , and headed up to my lady 's house . The boys watched a movie and ate lunch while I did some of her laundry and cleaned up around the house a bit . She has spent the past few months in either the hospital or a nursing home and so there is quite a bit of cleaning to do , but she is a lot of fun to work with and I enjoy going to see her . Once I got done with her , we headed back home to wait for the older 3 to get home from school . Once they did and I visited with their father about stuff ( Picture day is tomorrow . I have to take them to a basketball game tomorrow night . Weekend schedule . Homework stuff . Valentine crap . ) we started on supper and homework and Valentines . I * hate * Valentine 's Day . Always have , even when I wasn 't single . But being single just makes me hate it even more . It is annoying . And why on Earth is my 6 year old 's VD party tomorrow , when VD actually falls on Monday ? Why do I have to deal with helping him fill out these stupid little cards today , when he should have all weekend to do it ? Ugh . Ugh . Ugh . Bath for the 5 year old , who once again pooped in his pants . Supper . Homework . Bath for the youngest . Valentine crap . Laundry . Dishes . Cleaning . Change the 5 year old into a different pair of pajamas because he pooped in the first pair . Send the 5 year old to bed . Send everyone else to bed . Take some time to type out this mindless drivel . Yep . I need a clone . I really do . But then again , it would probably end up like that movie . . . . . I don 't remember the name of it , but I think the guy cloned himself , but the clone wasn 't quite " right " and so he had to constantly clean up after the clone , and the clone 's clone , etc etc etc . That was a movie , right ? Good grief I need sleep . I think it started at about 1am last night . I was on the phone with a friend , talking about the events of the past week and analyzing things with him - he 's always good at giving me a long - distance smack upside the head when I need it , and for that , I am eternally grateful . Anyway , while we were talking , my 5 year old got up out of bed and came out to the living room with " the look " on his face . About a nano - second later , he started puking all over the living room floor . I hung up on my friend and grabbed a trash can to catch any remaining spewage and then got him cleaned up . He seemed to be fine , so we changed his clothes , he brushed his teeth , and went back to bed . I got the mess cleaned up and called my friend back to continue our late - night counseling session . I finally got to bed around 3am , thankful that the weather had cancelled any plans that we might have had for the day , but bummed that it meant that my older three wouldn 't be coming back home - but I 'd rather have them stay safe at their father 's house than risk driving out here with a foot of snow on the roads . The boys woke me up around 8am and I laid around for a while before I finally decided to get up . I made breakfast for us ( double chocolate chip muffins ) ( out of a box ) and then decided that we were going to go outside to play in the snow . We recently got some hand - me - down clothes from a friend and there was a pair of snow boots in there that would fit my youngest , but I didn 't have a pair for the 5 year old . I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had put a bag of shoes ( also HMD 's ) in the garage when we moved , and I thought that there might be some boots in there . So , in order to get into the garage , I had to fire up the She - Beast , back her up about 5 feet away from the garage door , clear the snow away from the base of the door , pry the door open with the shovel , clear away some more snow , pry some more , and finally opened the door . I found the bag of shoes , and whaddya know - the boots were in there ! I did a little happy dance and went back into the house clutching my new find . Of course , in order to actually go outside , I had to get both boys dressed , put on their snow pants , put on their boots , get their coats on , then hats , then gloves , then make them stand around and wait while I put on a second pair of socks , my boots , my coat , a hat , and gloves . Then we could finally go outside . We had exactly 12 " of beautiful white powder on the ground - more than I 've seen at one time ( that I can remember ) in the 13 + years that I 've lived in Kansas , so I was having a ball ! I love snow - but only when it 's " real " snow , which I define as a minimum of 12 " . We played around in the snow and I took a bunch of pictures and then we went back around front so that I could shovel the sidewalks . I 'm not sure why I bother with shoveling . I mean really , no one else does it . I 've never bothered with it . But for some reason , after moving into this house , I 've been shoveling . It is good exercise - and it is good stress relief . But I can already tell that I 'll be feeling it later . Once we got done playing around outside , we came in and I started uploading the pictures that I had taken . I got a nice hot shower and changed into my official Domestic Goddess Attire - sweats , tshirt , and sweatshirt . The rest of the day up until now has been more of the usual - the never - ending laundry , picking up toys , straightening up , doing dishes , etc etc etc . . . But at the same time I 've also been processing a lot of things in my head . I 've been doing a little bit of online research into some ways to help me to reach the goals that I have , and although I wouldn 't say that I 'm feeling motivated , I 'm at least starting to formulate some plans in my head . My next step will be to get those plans down on paper ( or better yet into a document on the computer so that I don 't lose the paper ) so that I can figure out how to put them into action . My biggest thing right now is getting the house cleaned up - I bought and installed an 8 ' shelf in my laundry room yesterday , which is helping immensely , but I really just need to get moving - I bet if I seriously focused for one day ( or even one long evening ) , I could have this place done the way that I want it to be done . And then once the house is clean and organized , I 'll feel like I can concentrate on the other stuff . And now that I put it out here for the world to see ( or at least my 20 - something stalkers ) I have no choice but to do it . Yep . It 's all a part of the plan . . . . . . Now that the fog in my head is starting to lift and I have analyzed everything that has happened in the past couple of years or more to the point that it just can 't be analyzed anymore , I realize that I need to get on with my life . I 'm not " over it " - I don 't know that I ever will be - but I also know that as a single mother who is trying to survive , I have to start to function again . I have to live . There are so many things that I want to do . I have so many goals , but so many of them seem so hard to reach right now . Some are small , some are huge . And these are in no order , other than the order that I am thinking of them . 2 . I need to get ready for this half - marathon . I have put 7 pounds back on this past week ( thank you stress and Mother Nature , you little brat ) and I just can 't keep going up and down like that . 3 . Along with the half - marathon deal , I just need to be healthier in general . OK , I know that it 's a morbid thought , but now if anything were to happen to me , my youngest son would be lost . I have to keep myself healthy , for all of my kids and especially for him . And with no health insurance , I need to pay better attention to what I eat and what I do to my body . 4 . Finances . Yeah , my finances suck . I really need to focus on that , but I 'm not even going to go into detail there . Way too depressing . Maybe once I get my taxes filed , I 'll feel better about that situation . 5 . Crafty stuff - My ultimate dream is still to have a little shop of my own with my craft stuff , and to actually make a living at it . I know that at this point it 's a pipe dream , but it 's still a dream . So I will keep putzing around doing stuff here and there and selling it here and there and just enjoy being able to do it when I can . Like I said , I 'm not over it . Not even close . But I know that I have to get past it . So , I 'm going to go put a pot of coffee on , see if I can warm up a bit , and get started on the little things that will make me feel like I 'm getting back on track . This has probably been the best day that I 've had since getting the news . I went to church this morning with my youngest , and it was the first time that we have made it in quite a while . Everyone knew what happened and I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs and tears . It was comforting to be with such a wonderful group of people for both the service and the chili / chicken noodle soup luncheon afterwards . After we came home , I put a movie in and my son went to sleep on the couch . I cleaned up around the living room a little and then did my nails while I watched the movie . It was nice to just sit and do something that didn 't require a great deal of thought , and to have peace and quiet at the same time . It was really the first " alone time " that I 've had , and I really enjoyed it . Then we ran to the store to pick up a few things to go over to our friends ' house to watch the Super Bowl . And yes , even though I am from Pennsylvania , I was absolutely thrilled to see the Steelers lose - so sue me ! After it was over , I got to spend some quality time in the hot tub , talking and thinking out loud . Back home again , and the little one is asleep on the couch . I 'm sitting here playing around online , catching up with people on Facebook that I haven 't had a chance to talk to with all of the commotion that has been going on around here . My mind is still going in about a dozen different directions at any given time , but the fog is starting to lift from my brain . I know that I have to get past this , and our lives must go on . I am still struggling , and I know that I will continue to do so for a long time . I was thinking back to the last time I talked to my ex - husband , several months ago . I was brutally honest with him at that time and I said some things that he didn 't want to hear , but I still believe that they were the truth and they needed to be said and he needed to hear them . I still remember his responses to me and that conversation will haunt me until the day that I die . I will always wish that things had turned out differently . I wish that I had handled certain situations in a different way , or that I would have been able to deal with some things better . But what I have to keep reminding myself is that what happened can 't be changed . Even if I had done everything perfectly , the outcome may have been the same . I need to try to get past my own feelings of guilt and move on with my life and make a good life for not just our son , but all of my kids . Day by day , bit by bit , it will get easier . At least that 's what I keep telling myself when I feel a meltdown coming . . . . Today was another attempt at maintaining normalcy around here . I took the kids ( 4 of them , anyway ) to the final basketball game of the season ( yay ! ) and managed to limp the She - Beast home with her massive oil leak . After we got home , I started cleaning and doing the massive amounts of laundry that needed to be done . I lost track of how many I did , but I did at least get all 3 boys ' beds stripped and remade , a few loads of clothes done , and the towels are washing and drying as I type this . Luckily , a good friend showed up unexpectedly with her daughters , and while the kids played she helped me to do some cleaning and straightening up . It is times like this that make me realize how lucky I am - I might not have any family nearby , but my friends are incredible . Another friend brought dinner by as well . My oldest daughter has a friend spending the night , so the 3 girls are in the bedroom playing around for a while longer before I send them to bed . I had to throw a major temper tantrum to get them to all play nicely together - when one of my girls has a friend come over , she never wants the other sister to play with them and it always creates drama . Once I went off on them and threatened to send the friend back home , things calmed down considerably . Of course , in the middle of doing laundry , the dryer died again . Ugh . I crawled up onto the kitchen table - the only way I can reach the breaker box - and flipped all of the breakers off and on , and it still wouldn 't work . So I pulled the dryer out from the wall , unplugged it , and plugged it back in . Voila . It works . Stupid piece of crap . * grouch * Somewhere in the middle of all of this , I realized that today would have been Gramma 's 102nd birthday . She died in 1994 from cancer , and not a day goes by that I don 't think about her . She 's even the one who taught me how to do laundry back when I was a freshman in college and living with her and my aunt and uncle . Life was so much simpler then . She and I would load up our laundry in my 1976 Mustang II and head to the laundromat . While our laundry was washing , we 'd go to the pizza place next door and have pizza and soda and chat about life in general . Such good times . . . . . I feel like the fog that I 've been in for the past few days is starting to lift . I still have an occasional meltdown , but it 's getting easier to think and easier to breathe . I 'm planning on taking my youngest to church tomorrow , and there 's a dinner after , so we 'll have lots of time to visit with our church family . I 'm sure that there will be tears , but I know that 's next to impossible to avoid right now . Each day will hopefully get easier . I know I 've said it before , but my friends are amazing . I know that I couldn 't have made it through the past few days without you . Thank you for everything . So here I am , 48 + hours after hearing the news . I feel like I am starting to get my emotions somewhat under control , although I still have occasional meltdowns throughout the day . I think I have just hit the Numb Auto - Pilot stage - I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done . Regardless of what is going on in my head , I still have 5 kids to take care of , and with them comes their laundry and their baths and feeding them and getting them to school and all of that fun stuff . I have been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy , but it hasn 't been easy . I don 't even really know what to say tonight . I feel lost . I spent most of the day working for a lady who just got out of the hospital , doing some laundry and housekeeping for her , and the rest of the day was spent running kids back and forth to school and dealing with my own household stuff . Or , I should probably say avoiding my own household stuff . My house is trashed . I mean , really trashed . I have been in such a fog that the kids have torn just about every toy out of the toy box , there is still laundry all over the place ( would you believe that I am sitting on a pile of laundry that somehow ended up on my chair ? ) , and there is a massive amount of dishes to do . I just can 't bring myself to do any of it , but I have made up my mind that as soon as I post this , I 'm going to get to it . I will put a stupid movie in and get to work . The weekend will continue as usual . Up early tomorrow for basketball games , then back home with all of the kids . I have to try to convince my girls to clean their room as my oldest is having a friend come to spend the night and I will not tolerate their room looking the way that it does now . My 5 year old is going with his father tomorrow for at least part of the weekend , and then up early again on Sunday to send the three oldest to church with their father while I take the youngest to church with me , and then a dinner at the church after the service . So maybe , just maybe , I can have some quiet time Sunday afternoon with just my youngest , who is generally more than content to watch Thomas the Tank Engine movies and play with his trains . I 'm still feeling just totally overwhelmed by this whole thing . I got information from the family today about the funeral arrangements , and then found out that I was given wrong information - really ? Was that necessary ? Maybe it was just a mistake , but somehow I doubt it . I just need to let it roll off of me and let it go , but I really hate evil spiteful petty BS like that . It 's stupid and a waste of energy . Anyway . . . . * sigh * . . . . I need to get to work . Maybe if just clean up a little bit real quick , I can still be in bed before midnight . That 'll give me about 7 hours to sleep - more than I 've gotten in the last 2 days combined . This sucks . I don 't even know what to think right now . I 'm physically , mentally , and emotionally exhausted . Yet with the exhaustion , my mind is still going a billion miles a second . I woke up this morning and had to get the kids up and dressed and fed and ready for school . As I was making pancakes , the strangeness of the situation hit me . My ex - husband just died , and I was making pancakes , like I always do . Regardless of my inner turmoil , I still have to go on living . Life goes on . In between taking the three older kids to school and taking the two younger ones to playschool and then picking them up , and then getting the 5 year old on the bus for preschool , I was trying to clean and keep up with the almost constant phone calls and text messages and facebook posts that kept coming in . Thankfully I was able to talk to a friend who had been through this before - the death of an ex - and she assured me that the emotions are normal . I had no idea that I would hurt this much . I mean seriously , I divorced the guy . I didn 't want to be with him anymore . I wanted him out of my life . But did I want this ? Hell no ! I still always had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would become a good father , and now that glimmer has been permanently extinguished . He is never coming back . I got a call from one of his family members today , and suffice it to say that it wasn 't pleasant . While informing me that she wasn 't here to judge anyone , she made it damned clear that he had been in a severe depression because he wasn 't able to see our son , and that ultimately contributed to his death . Really ? He hasn 't even been gone for 12 hours , and you want to blame me for it ? Whatever lady - go ahead . Blame me if it makes you feel better . And now you want his family to have a " relationship " with my son ? Now that his father is dead ? Hello . . . what happened to the last 2 years , when you didn 't acknowledge his existence ? I got angry and said some things to her that I probably shouldn 't have said , broke down crying , apologized , yelled at her some more and apologized some more . I have way too many emotions going through my head right now for some virtual stranger to inform me that a family that is 1700 miles away wants to have a relationship with my son . I 'll make that decision eventually , but it 's not going to happen today . Or even tomorrow . I wish that I could just put everything that I 'm feeling into words . I have so much going through my head right now and I just can 't seem to make any sense of it . Why did this happen ? How ? How could someone who is 46 years old die of congestive heart failure ? I know that there 's a family history of heart problems , and I know that the alcohol and the smoking contributed to it , but still . . . 46 years old ? I can 't wrap my head around the enormity of this . I just can 't do it . I have about 14 loads of laundry to do , bedrooms to clean , sidewalks to shovel , kids to pick up , supper to make , baths to give . . . . and I can 't even figure out how to do any of it right now . Some of you know , but most of you don 't . I found out yesterday that my ex - husband ( the second one ) was taken to the hospital by ambulance . Through a series of messages today , I found out that his condition had deteriorated quickly - multiple organs were failing and he was on a ventilator . I packed up the kids and we went to our friends ' house to hang out , because I didn 't want to be at home alone when I got the word . At about 7 : 30pm my time I received another message - " He didn 't make it . " I looked at my phone and couldn 't breathe . I handed the phone to my friends so that they could see the message too , and I lost it . Completely and totally lost it . Our marriage was not a fairy tale story by any stretch of the imagination . We met online , we rushed into a relationship and we rushed into a marriage . We both had our demons - his was alcohol - but we tried to work past them . There were numerous times when the police were called to our home because the drinking had gotten out of hand , and he did a stint in rehab , but the lure of the alcohol was always too strong . Kicking him out for the final time was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life , but I had to protect myself and my kids . Since that time , I have had very little contact with him . I have not seen him in over a year and a half , and he has not seen our son in that long either . I told my girls about him being in the hospital first . I knew that I had to tell them - to prepare them - because I wasn 't sure how I was going to react when I found out that he was gone . They were devastated . So they knew as soon as I broke down at our friends ' house what had happened . I waited until we got home to tell my 6 year old . He didn 't fully grasp it , and I didn 't expect him to . I haven 't told my 5 year old yet , and I haven 't told our son . I have gone through a complete rollercoaster of emotions today . I am pissed off at him - I don 't know what the official cause of death was , but I 'm quite sure that alcohol played a part in it . Why couldn 't he just stop drinking ? Why was booze so damned important to him that he gave up his LIFE for it ? I am sad that our son will never know his father . He was not quite 2 years old when he left , and doesn 't even ask about him . He has never asked me why he didn 't have a daddy in his life , and now when he does , I have to tell him that his daddy is dead . I am devastated because even though our marriage wasn 't perfect , I still believed that deep down inside , there was a good man trying to get out . I still had that tiny little glimmer of hope that at some point , he would get the help that he needed and become a father to our son , even if from a distance . Now , any hope is gone . He is gone . I didn 't expect to feel this many emotions . I didn 't expect to have this horrible pain in my chest and the knot in my stomach and the eyes that are almost swollen shut from crying . Our divorce was just final 20 days ago , and I thought that the emotional rollercoaster was over . Sadly , I think I just got back on for another ride . I know that we will get through this . I know that we will be fine . But right now , I am hurting . I think I am hurting more than I ever have before . Not only am I still mourning the end of our marriage , but now I am mourning the death of a man with whom I was once crazy in love . Thanks to my post yesterday , I found out that there was another way to do the phone tethering thing . Turns out that there 's an app that lets you do it for free . . . . . so , needless to say , I am typing this on my computer , and then I do NOT have to email it to my trusty assistant , because I can post it by myself ! Yay me ! I did manage to get the She - Beast fixed today . The roads were horrendous to even get to my friends ' house ( less than a mile away , mind you ) but I got there and the boys went inside to play while I got to work - after I handed over two loaves of still - warm banana bread as " payment " for borrowing their garage and tools . As soon as I got under her , I could see that the pressure hose had come loose from the power steering pump . When I took it off the whole way , I saw that the o - ring had also been damaged . So I borrowed my friend 's car and ran to the auto parts store and got a new o - ring and a quart of power steering fluid . Once I got back , it took about 10 minutes to get it reassembled . It doesn 't * appear * to be leaking , so maybe , just maybe it 'll be ok , for at least a little while , for a grand total of $ 4 . 96 . While this little Adventure in Mechanic ' n was going on , the temperature was in the single digits outside and the wind was howling like Mother Nature had just discovered that not only had someone peed in her Wheaties , but they also dumped them on her head and then poked her in the eye . The wind was unreal , to say the least . Although we had a space heater going in the garage and it was out of the wind , it was still bitter cold . The snow didn 't even melt off of the She - Beast while I was working on her . Once I got home ( ah , to have power steering again ! ) I immediately got into the shower to try to thaw my feet out . The rest of my body was fine ( might have had something to do with the 4 layers of clothes ) but my feet were numb . It took several hours for my toes to get back to their normal size and color but they are feeling much better now , thankyouverymuch . Other than that , my afternoon / evening hasn 't been terribly exciting . I made some more banana bread to give to a friend ( in trade for some very yummy cinnabon buns , I might add ) and started cleaning out the toybox . I do need to finish doing that now that the boys are both asleep . All of the schools are cancelled again tomorrow , so I have to run out to pick up my older three from their dad 's house at some point in the morning so that they can be here for their usual Wednesday - but I 'm guessing that basketball and church will be cancelled and so the usual chaotic Wednesday won 't be quite as bad . Anyway , I 'm just so excited that I can now post these on my own , and so I 'm going to post it . Just because I can . Haha .

So I 'm in another one of those weird places - you know , where my mind is going a million miles an hour about a million different things but I can 't pinpoint a single thing that I 'm actually thinking about . Yesterday was rough for some reason . I had all sorts of plans to get all sorts of things done , and I didn 't do ANYTHING . Literally . I sat around all day , playing on the computer , watching movies with the kids , and eating . I won 't even go into the amount of food that I ate yesterday - it disgusts me to think about it . One of the things that I can pinpoint as being directly on my mind is my ex - husband 's family . For almost two years , they have had zero contact with our son . Wait , I take that back . His grandmother sent him a couple of birthday cards and Christmas cards . Nothing from his grandfather . Nothing from his uncles . No phone calls from anyone . Nothing . My ex used the excuse at one point that the restraining order forbid them to have contact - that 's pushing it a bit , but still only accounts for about 7 months out of the last 2 years . The day after my ex died , his sister - in - law called me and informed me that the family wants to " have a relationship " with my son . I got angry and told her exactly how I feel about that family and the way that they have ignored my son 's existence for the last 2 years , and that I wasn 't sure that I wanted him to have any sort of relationship with them . After all , he is 3 1 / 2 . His father has been out of his life for almost 2 years . He doesn 't remember him , he doesn 't ask about him , and he certainly has no clue about anyone in his father 's family - what is the point of introducing these strangers into his life ? They live 1600 miles away - it 's not like they 're going to be popping over for tea on a regular basis . This is something that I am really struggling with . In a perfect world , they would have maintained a relationship with my son throughout this whole ordeal . They would have cared about him enough to call him and check on him and make sure that he was ok . But they didn 't . They didn 't care . They walked out of his life as soon as I kicked his drunk father out of ours . In the 3 + weeks since I had that conversation with the sister - in - law , I have heard exactly NOTHING from any of them . They have not sent me the paperwork for the trust fund that they supposedly set up for my son and his older brother . They have not called my son . They have not sent him a letter or a card or even an email . Yet they want to have a relationship with him ? Are they waiting for me to make the first move ? If they are , they 're going to be waiting a heck of a long time . In my opinion , they have already written him off . They have ignored his existence for two years . The sister - in - law didn 't even know what YEAR he was born - she was shocked when I gave her his date of birth for the trust fund paperwork . It 's not like she didn 't remember the exact day , but to not even know the year ? ? ? I know that I should forgive and forget , let bygones be bygones , etc . etc . etc . But the fact is that I am extremely angry with them . They ignored my son . They took my ex back into the fold and provided him with a place to live and food to eat and ( most likely ) liquor to drink . They continued to enable him , rather than make him take responsibility for his own actions . They blame me for the lack of contact between him and my son - hey guess , what ? I 'm not going to put my son on the phone with someone who is so drunk that he can 't even form complete sentences . Call me crazy if you want , but I 'm not going to do it . I gave him so many chances to clean up his act , but he chose not to . Yes , alcoholism is a disease - but there is treatment for the disease , should the affected individual CHOOSE to seek that treatment . He chose not to . Had he sought treatment and counseling , he could have had all the contact that he wanted with my son . This is one of those times that I wish I could see into the future and see the various outcomes that could happen . I would like to know if allowing ( or not allowing ) a relationship between my son and his father 's family is the best thing for my son . Because in the big picture , it doesn 't matter what I think or feel about them - it is about what is best for my son . Personally , right now , at this moment in time , I think it 's best to pretend that they don 't exist , just as they have done to him . He is too young to understand who they are . I feel like they only want to have this so - called relationship for their own selfish reasons - they aren 't thinking about what is best for him , only what is best for them . But now that I 've gotten all that off of my chest ( wow , I really didn 't mean to type that much ) I have to get back to cleaning and laundry and running my daughter 's lunchbox across town to give to the stepmother and watching the race and watching the weather ( hail in February ? really ? ) and figuring the bills and all sorts of other stuff that I have to work on today . Maybe I can be more productive today than I was yesterday . Probably the most excitement that we 've had is that when my 5 year old got off the bus from preschool yesterday , his bus driver handed me a letter informing me that the preschool was now closed . Until further notice . That 's it . It 's closed . Wha . . . . . . . . . . ? The driver and the aide were both in tears - they had been informed just before they brought the kids home . The letter was vague at best - something about looking for a new grantee to run the program and they would reopen as soon as possible , blah blah blah . OK , luckily I don 't have a " real " job so in the grand scheme of things , it 's not that big of a deal . But at the same time , I am so incredibly angry . There are other parents who work outside of the home who now have no one to watch their kid ( s ) while this grantee business is worked out . The kids are now totally thrown out of their routine . It 's a mess . No one knows anything . Typical of a government funded program , I suppose . I did finally receive my temporary daycare license in the mail today . I have been struggling with what I want to do as far as the daycare goes . Honestly , it 's a hassle . Not the kids themselves , but the paperwork and the inspections and all that jazz . I enjoy the kids - I just don 't enjoy the other stuff . I had almost decided that I didn 't want to do it at all , other than the little bit of part time stuff that I do now . But , now that I have my license in hand , I think I 'm going to go through with it and just keep it as a part time gig . I have other sources of income now , and running a daycare can now be more of a " fun " thing to do rather than something that I have to do . I think it 's all going to work out just fine in the end . So , because I just don 't have anything fun or witty or deep to say tonight , I figured I 'd give posting pictures a try . I was down to only one kid for most of the day today , so we went out on a little pre - half - marathon jaunt , for a grand total of 7 . 24 miles . I took my camera and got some random shots along the way . . . . He has the best vantage point on our walks . He gets to sit back , relax , suck his thumb , play with a few toys , and chatter about everything that he sees . I love to see the world through his eyes ! So there you have it . . . . . 7 . 24 miles summed up in a bunch of pictures . Maybe I 'll have something more brilliant to say tomorrow . But until then , I get to play the role of Vomit Wrangler Extraordinaire . Yay me ! Today was interesting . Since the little one let me sleep until almost 10am ( a perk of him staying up playing until midnight last night when he finally decided that he wasn 't sick anymore ) I was a bit slow to get moving . My 5 year old came home shortly after that and I wandered around the house , still in the clothes that I slept in with my medusa - like hair flying around my head . Next thing I know , there 's a knock at my door . Not just any knock , but the loud * BAM * * BAM * * BAM * that can only come from law enforcement . Sure enough , there 's a sheriff on my front porch , wanting to know if some guy lived here . I said no , and he asked me , " are you sure ? " Uh yeah , buddy . I might look like hell , but I 'm pretty sure I do know who lives here ! Once I convinced him that I did not know the guy and that he never lived here with me , he apologized for bugging me and left . Whoa . OK , that was strange . Another knock at the door , this time nicely and politely . It was a gentleman from the electric company , informing me that they were going to be cutting power to my house so that they could replace a transformer . Oh , yay . I thanked him for the warning , shut down the computer , and got the boys ready to go grocery shopping . We went out to get in the She - Beast , and she had somehow slipped into a coma . * growl * So what did we do ? We walked to the grocery store . OK , it 's not like it 's that far - it 's only a block and it looked nice enough out . We got jackets on and started walking , and then I realized that it was actually pretty cold out . Dammit . Anyway , we got to the store and got some stuff . I only got about half of the things on my list because we were walking , but I still overestimated the weight that I was going to have to carry home . Thankfully I had brought my reusable bags , so once they were crammed full we headed out to go back to the house . Perfect timing , as the electric trucks were pulling out of the alley as we walked across the front yard . In the meantime , I had emailed a friend about the comatose She - Beast , and so he showed up to jump it for me . We hooked it up to his truck , she started , we let her run and she seemed to be fine . Hopefully she won 't have an attitude in the morning again . Stupid thing . Then another friend called and asked if he could come over - he was having troubles with love and needed to talk for a while , so we hung out and chatted . After he left , the boys finally wound down and crashed on the couch and I tossed them into bed and started playing around on Facebook . The things I see on there amaze me . The love and support to the family of my classmate that passed away yesterday is uplifting to say the least . I see new relationships forming , relationships that are troubled , relationships ending , expectant mothers receiving chemo , the long - unemployed getting jobs , deaths , births , illnesses , recoveries , venting , rejoicing - it 's all there . People that I haven 't seen in 20 + years have been an unrelenting source of support for me as I have gone through all the BS of the past year or so , and sometimes it still catches me by surprise . And I see some of the struggles that my friends are going through , both near and far , and it makes me realize that no matter how crappy of a day I 've had , someone else has had a worse one . And when I 'm having a good day , I can pass along some cheer and smiles to someone who needs it . Facebook is a powerful thing . The good thing though , is that I have accomplished most of the stuff on my list today . I did the girls ' laundry , I stripped and remade their beds ( I just have to put the blanket and comforter back on the top bunk and then I can say that task is done , and they 're both in the dryer ) and I vacuumed their room . I organized the freezers and I got half of the grocery shopping done . Tomorrow I am going to straighten up the boys ' room , do their laundry , strip their beds , hopefully wash the towels , and work with Connie for a few hours . As long as the She - Beast starts , I should be in good shape , but we 'll see if that happens . * crossing fingers * But for now , I believe that I am going to go watch whatever movie it was that I rented last night . I can 't even remember what I got at this point . I think I have once again lost my mind . Another night where I just don 't even know what to say . My mind is going a bajillion miles an hour , but I can 't seem to form a coherent thought . The unexpected loss of our high school classmate at the young age of 40 has been on my mind most of the day , and has had me rethinking some things . Heather was the last person that I would have ever expected to have had a heart attack . She seemed to be so happy and so healthy . She hiked and had a garden and a good job and just seemed happy . She was only 2 weeks older than I am , and when someone who is your age dies , it makes you think about how it could happen to you too . Or , at least it does that to me , but I also tend to overanalyze things . Still . . . it got me to thinking . . . there are so many things that I could be doing to be healthier in so many ways . I know I could eat better . I know I need to exercise more . I know I need to take care of my finances better . I know I need to keep the house neater and more organized . OK , so maybe these don 't all relate to physical health , but they are part of my overall health . And I know that I 've made half - hearted efforts at these things before , but I never follow through with them . So , I have some goals for the next few days . I am going to list them out here with the hopes that it will help to keep me accountable and on track . Yeah , we 'll see how that works . Anyway , here they are , in no particular order : 2 . Make grocery list from the aforementioned menu . I cleaned out my cabinets the other day so it should be easy to make the list and not buy a bunch of stuff that I don 't need . 4 . Actually set aside time on my calendar to work out - either walking or working out if the weather is bad . But scheduled the time and then stick to it . I do have a half - marathon to prepare for , you know . 5 . Set aside time every day to actually balance my checkbook . * gasp * I haven 't done that in about 2 years . Time to start over . I have to take better care of myself . It 's something that I 've never done , and I know now that I have to . No one else is going to do it for me . We all got up this morning and I managed to get everyone up and dressed and fed and to school on time , and then the 2 younger ones and I came home , as they didn 't have school today . I called Connie to let her know that we would not be coming to see her , as Sir Pukesalot was continuing to spew from both ends , and I didn 't think that it was a good idea to expose her to that . So we tentatively rescheduled for Tuesday . I spent the day rotating between laundry , mopping , disinfecting , dishes , holding the puke can , racing the little one to the toilet , and trying to sit and relax occasionally . It was nuts . But I did get a lot of cleaning done around the house , and the floors actually look really good for a change . Now , if I can only keep them that way . . . . . After the older kids got home , we ate supper ( leftovers ! ) and then went out to run a few errands . The brake lights on my dash are still on from the near - accident yesterday , so I know that I 'm going to need to get those looked at soon . We stopped and got a card for a high school classmate who is going through some major health issues ( mental note : put in mail tomorrow ) and then we went and got some milk and ice cream . After we got home , I let the girls run across the street to rent a couple of movies and then everyone started to relax a little bit . I * think * that everyone might be asleep , which makes me wonder - why am I still up ? I did manage to get some sleep last night , but if I went to be now , I could theoretically get 8 or 9 hours of sleep , barring any unexpected spewage from any of the kids . Now where was I ? Honestly , I have no idea . These last 2 days have really just blended into one big long puke - filled ordeal . Thank God tomorrow is Saturday , we don 't have to get up early ( although I 'm sure I will anyway ) , we don 't have to go anywhere , and maybe we can just relax . I haven 't checked the weather , but if it 's decent hopefully we can get outside and play ( assuming the pukage stops ) and just have a good day . I need a break . . . . . didn 't get any better . Once the 5 year old went to preschool for the afternoon , Sir Poopsalot and I laid down for a little bit and took a nap while the 6 year old ( who really wasn 't sick ) amused himself and played quietly . I didn 't get much sleep , but I felt a little bit better . By the time everyone got home from school , I had made yet another executive decision and announced that we were going to walk to McDonald 's to get food . The little one seemed to be doing better , and he * wanted * to go , so I took that as a good sign . While we were walking there ( it 's less than a block away - dangerous for a fast food junkie like myself ) I happened to look down and lo and behold , there was a $ 20 on the ground ! Woot ! That just about covered supper for all of us ! Bonus ! Anyway , we got our food , came back home , ate , and then went outside to play . While we were out there I scoped out the back yard trying to figure out exactly how I am going to fence it in to meet daycare regulations . I really need to talk to the landlord and see if he will work with me on it - then I can put up something decent . If he doesn 't , it 's going to be cheap and ugly . But we played , we threw a football around and then we came inside to get ready for bed . Once we got inside , the little one crawled up onto the couch and fell asleep again . I started baths for the others and then of course , he got sick ( think Exorcist ) again . I stripped him on the couch and carried him at arm 's length to the bathtub . Once I got him in the water and cleaned up , I stripped the covers off of the couch cushions and threw those , the throw pillows , and his clothes in the washer . More baths , more cleaning , more homework . . . bedtime drama . . . once I got them all into bed I sat down to relax a little bit and then mopped the worst of the floors , so now I am sitting here inhaling all sorts of * ahem * lovely smells from my house . I talked to a friend for a while on the phone , and realized that I haven 't spoken to her since my ex passed away . Honestly , I haven 't spoken to a lot of my friends . I 've been in my own little world , dealing with my own drama , trying not to dump it on anyone else ( other than here , but you can make the choice whether or not to read it ) . My life has changed dramatically in so many ways in the 15 days since he died . I realized that I no longer have to live in fear of him coming back and causing problems for me or our son . I don 't have to live in hiding like I have been doing . I don 't have to constantly look over my shoulder anymore . I don 't think that a lot of people realized how much I feared something happening if he showed up here again . But at the same time , I realized that in a way , I did still love him . I knew realistically that he would probably never sober up and be a decent father , but I still hoped that he would have . As I 've looked at old pictures over the past 2 weeks , I 've smiled thinking about the good times that we had - but I have also shed more tears over the bad times . I have gone through every emotion imaginable , and I feel like maybe I am starting to come to grips with it all . I feel like I am finally starting to handle things better , and I feel like in the grand scheme of things , we are going to be ok . I admit that I stayed up way too late last night . I got on the phone with a friend and we chatted until close to 1 : 30am . Knowing that I had to be up at 5 : 15 , I finally got off the phone and laid down , but it was probably close to 2 : 00am before I fell asleep . The next thing I knew , my oldest daughter came out to get me telling me that the youngest had thrown up . Huh ? What ? Who are you ? In my fog , I staggered back to his room and the smell woke me up instantly , and I realized that it was about 2 : 45am . I got him stripped and into the bathtub , as that was the only hope for him at that point , and took his comforter and pajamas and immediately threw them into the washer . I got him into a fresh pair of jammies and put him in bed with me . By this time , it was close to 3 : 30am . He fell asleep , but from that point on , he woke up and puked more about every 30 - 45 minutes . I knew that I still had to get the 3 older kids to school and so around 6 : 00am I sent a text to their stepmother asking if she could please come and pick them up , as I didn 't want to take the chance of him getting sick on the way to or from , and thankfully she agreed . In the meantime all of the kids were getting up and getting ready , and the 6 year old just didn 't look right . Sure enough , he started saying that his stomach hurt . Fine - I made the executive decision to keep him home as well . I got the pancakes made , got everyone fed who wanted to eat , and sent the girls to school with their stepmother . I dozed off and on while the boys played but then had to get up to get the 5 year old to playschool . About this time , the youngest one 's diarrhea started . Fun fun . As we pulled into the playschool parking lot , a car started backing out of a parking space and came within inches of slamming into my door ( ironically , the car had PA tags on it ) so I slammed on my brakes and hit the horn . I felt the brakes lock up but didn 't think too much about it . I pulled up behind the school , took the 5 year old inside , and when I came back out I noticed that both my " brake " light and my " anti - lock " light were lit up on the dash . I turned the van off and back on thinking that might reset them , but no , the lights stayed on while we drove home . The brakes feel ok , I think - I just don 't know why the lights won 't go off . Add it to the list of repairs . Now for the rest of the day it 's laundry and cleaning to try to get the smell of vomit out of the house , figure out something for supper ( as usual ) , homework , paperwork - I was going to try to do some grocery shopping but I 'm not sure if I can do that with Sir Poopsalot , but I need to figure something out . And maybe at some point I can actually take the time to get a shower . Excitement ! ! ! Yep , it 's Wednesday . Wednesdays are notoriously crazy around this house . It is the first night that the older 3 come back here from their dad 's house , and they are always fired up . It started out as a fairly easy day . I got to sleep in a little bit , and I didn 't have any extra kids for the day . I also didn 't have to go take care of Connie today , so there was no place that I had to be . After I got the 5 year old on the bus to preschool , I decided to take the youngest and go for a walk - after all , if I am going to do this half - marathon in May , I need to really start working for it . The weather was perfect , so we loaded up the stroller and took off . I had mapped out my route before we left and was aiming for 6 . 5 - 7 miles - I wanted to do at least half of a half - marathon . We stopped at the library to drop off some books , stopped at the post office to check the box , and kept going . 6 . 63 miles later , I turned off the tracker on the phone because I was getting tired and screwing up my pace , and we stopped to get lunch ( I got a salad ) . We came home and I got a shower and cleaned all of the mud off of me ( stupid melting snow ) and then started getting supper ready while I cleaned up the house . In the meantime , I got a call from Social Security about my youngest son 's benefits that he 'll be receiving from his father - luckily that phone call went very smoothly , thanks to my ex - husband 's first wife getting the ball rolling for both of us . The same worker is handling both of the boys ' cases so she already had a lot of the information that she needed . I am so very thankful to her for giving me the name of the lady that she had spoken with as it made things so much easier . The older 3 got home around 5 : 30 and we had about an hour to eat before they had to leave again to go to church with their father and stepmother . They ate ( well , 2 out of the 3 did - the third refused because " it was gross " ) and played out in the front yard with the football until it was time for them to leave . There was some I Can 't Find My Shoes and I 'm Still Hungry drama , but no more than usual . After they left , I made the 2 younger ones clean up the toys in the living room under the Don 't Make Me Get A Trash Bag And Clean Up The Toys Myself threat . And of course , my body is feeling every inch of the 6 . 63 miles that I walked today . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again - ibuprofen is my friend . Hopefully I can walk in the morning , since I have to be up and running at 5 : 15am to get everyone up and ready so that I can get the older 3 to school on time . Please let me remember to set both of my alarms AND the timer on the coffee pot - I 'm going to need all of the help that I can get in the morning . Today started out ok . I got to sleep in a little bit , which is a rare treat . My 5 year old was brought back home after spending part of the weekend with his father , and we chilled out until it was time to start getting ready for school . Then I got the mail . Yup . That 's when it all started falling to pieces . Getting a letter from the Internal Revenue Service is never a good thing . NEVER . Long story short , apparently my dead ex - husband drained his 401K sometime in 2008 without my knowledge and then filed our taxes together without claiming that money as income . So now there is a nice chunk of money that * I * am responsible for . Really ? The IRS lady that I spoke with was actually really nice ( except for that horrendous Boston accent that makes my skin crawl every time I hear it ) and she was very understanding . But regardless , the money is coming out of * my * tax refund ( you know , the money I was planning on surviving on for a little bit ) , I have to file for Innocent Spouse Relief , and then if I qualify , they 'll give me the money back . Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things , but you know , I thought that I was done cleaning up his messes . That 's what I get for thinking . Whatever . I 'll deal with it . I 'll clean this one up too . I did a little bit of shopping today , and for the first time in probably a decade or more I bought myself a pair of pajamas . Yup . Why ? Because they were cute and dammit I wanted them . So there . So I am now sitting here sporting my new St . Patrick 's Day pajamas and drinking a beer just because I can . Yep . And no one can stop me . Deal with it . As I 've talked to friends and family about my ex 's death , I find myself wondering about the What Could Have Been scenario . You know , I always hoped that he would straighten up and be a decent father . I hoped that he would beat the alcoholism . I hoped , I hoped , I hoped . Then I rented " Charlie St . Cloud " tonight and sat here and watched it . I wasn 't impressed by the movie as a whole - ok , it wasn 't bad . . . just wasn 't fabulous . But throughout the whole movie I kept thinking about how the little boy , Sam , looked like my ex 's older son . And he was into baseball , like my ex . And he always wore a Red Sox ball cap , like my ex . One of Sam 's last lines in the movie was " no one ever gets to see what could have been " . I can sit here and think about all the potential scenarios of how our lives could have been different had we chosen to do things differently , but the point is that I 'll never know . I need to stop beating myself up over it . It is what it is . Now that I have that food for thought , I believe I am going to go crash . I have an early and long day tomorrow , with extra kids in and out and playschool and preschool and working with Connie and cleaning and laundry and all of the other fun stuff that I do on a daily basis . If I sleep now I can get a good 6 hours in before I * have * to get up . I mean really - if you 're in a relationship and you love someone , shouldn 't you show that person every day ? Shouldn 't you tell him / her every day , even multiple times a day , that you love him / her ? Do you really have to have the multi - bajillion dollar greeting card companies tell you when to be affectionate ? OK , so let 's say that you actually " celebrate " this day . You do everything that you are supposed to do - the flowers , the card , the chocolate , the fancy dinner - and then on February 15 , things go back to normal . But shouldn 't the " normal " be special ? Don 't " normal " days warrant displays of love and affection ? Or is it ok to NOT show love to your significant other just because it 's not a ( made - up ) holiday ? So I might be a little bitter about it just because I 'm not even in a relationship , so displays of affection for me consist of kisses from my kids and cards made out of construction paper ( which I do love ) , and this day just rubs my singleness in my face . Do I want to be in a relationship right now ? Mmmmmm . . . . maybe , maybe not . The jury is still out on that one . I miss having someone around , but I 'm also way too independent to have someone around all the time at this point . I do enjoy my singleness ( to a point ) but at the same time , I miss being part of a couple . I just get really aggravated with people who go all out for one day each year . I feel like their significant others are getting shafted every other day . Maybe I 'm old - fashioned . . . but I think that maybe if we treated our " special someone " better every other day of the year , a lot of people would be a lot happier . Just sayin ' . Oh , and for the record - I have felt the same way about this day for as long as I can remember - even when I was in a happy relationship . It 's not just me being bitter and single . So there . All I know is that I ran myself ragged yesterday . Up at 5 : 30 , got all 5 kids up and dressed and fed , out the door and into the She - Beast by 7 : 15am . I dropped the older 3 off at school and then ran about 15 miles up the road to take care of my lady ( I need to come up with a name for her . I feel weird calling her " my lady " but I 'm trying not to use real names on here . How about if I call her . . . . . oh my gosh I really can 't think of a good name . . . . I 'll call her Connie . I don 't know why , it just popped into my head , but it sounds good ) who shall now be called Connie . I got to her place shortly after 8am and got to work doing her laundry and cleaning her bathroom and doing dishes and stuff . The boys were watching movies in her living room and we actually behaving fairly well for a change . Connie 's brother came over with a gentleman who was outside shoveling the snow , and this man was nice enough to put more oil into the She - Beast , as I had mentioned that I was praying the whole way to her house that I was going to make it . Stupid oil leak . Anyway , he got the oil out of the back end and filled her up and she ran ok for the rest of the day . I worked with Connie until just afternoon and then took my 5 year old to school and stopped and got some lunch for me and the 3 year old before heading back up to her house to finish up some things . I stayed there for another hour and a half or so and then we had to head back to pick up the 5 year old ( yep , going to come up with names for the kids now too ) from school . I ran to the bank , picked him up , went to pick up some pizzas for supper , and ex # 1 met me there with the older three kids . Back home , pizzas in oven , straighten up , eat supper , load up the She - Beast , head back out to the kids ' school for a basketball game ( which turned out to be 2 games ) , try to control 5 kids through 2 basketball games , back home , kids to bed , more laundry , more dishes . . . . then I finally crashed . 3 : 20am today , I woke up with a leg cramp . Not a normal leg cramp either - you know , the ones in the calf that can be easily stretched out . No , this one had to be up the outside of my leg , from my ankle to my knee . I could 't stretch it , and since I was in an exhaustion - induced coma , I really couldn 't even figure out what was going on . So I wobbled over to the kitchen , slugged down some ibuprofen and a bottle of water , wobbled back to the futon and passed out again . Woke up at some point this morning and the 5 year old was snuggled in with me . Cool . At least he wasn 't trashing the joint - and I fell back asleep . Then the kids started getting up and I noticed that he was gone . And then I noticed the big wet spot on the futon . Then the 6 year old started screaming that the 5 year old pooped on the floor . Oh good God really ? REALLY ? So I got up and went to investigate . Sure enough . . . . So the 5 year old got a bath and got dressed , I stripped everything off of the futon , started laundry ( imagine that ) and got breakfast thrown in the oven . And it 's already 12 : 30 . How is it that I 've been running non - stop and still feel like I 've gotten nothing done yet ? But I do have some plans for some things that I do want to get done today - I just need to get some more caffeine into my system first . And maybe some more ibuprofen too . It 's Thursday . On Thursdays , I am supposed to have my two youngest boys at playschool at 9 : 00am . Since my other kids ended up spending the night with their dad because of the weather , I didn 't have to get up as early as I typically do on Thursdays , and I think I set my alarm for 7 : 30 . The boys got up and started playing around , and I continued laying on the futon , which was sooooo incredibly comfortable . And warm . The next thing I knew , it was 8 : 39am . I had exactly 21 minutes to get them to school , and by God they were going . These mornings are the ONLY times that I have time to myself and I was not giving it up . I grabbed some clothes for them and got them dressed and then took a quick look at myself . Luckily , I generally sleep in sweats , so if I have to I can make a quick public appearance before actually getting dressed . While it 's not my preference , it does occasionally happen . I grabbed some fruit snacks for them to eat on the way and we took off out the door . I got them to school at 9 : 05 and was feeling quite pleased with myself for being close to on time , and I went back home . When I got out of the She - Beast , I slammed the door and turned around to walk to the door , and as I did , I bumped into a low - hanging branch on the neighbor 's tree . Snow immediately dumped down the back of my bare neck and started melting down inside the back of my shirt . I bolted for the house , got inside , and was in the shower in about 2 . 5 seconds . I got out of the shower and got dressed and within moments there was a knock at my door . I wasn 't expecting anyone and there was not a car in the driveway , so I cautiously opened my door . It was my neighbor lady , who apologetically asked if she could come inside , as she had locked her keys in her car and couldn 't get back into her house . She had her cell phone with her so she had called her son to get him to at least let her back into her house and then she was calling her roadside assistance people to get the keys out of her car . We sat and visited for a while before her son arrived and she went back home . Another knock at the door . What the . . . . . ? I opened up and it was the lady from the health department who was here to do the next portion of the inspection for my daycare licensing . Needless to say , I haven 't done much of anything over the past week , so I now have a list of things that I * must * do this week . She left exactly 5 minutes before I had to leave to go get the boys . So much for my me - time . Grrr . I went to get them and then hurried back home so that the 5 year old could get on the bus for preschool . The plan was for me and my youngest to leave as soon as he got on the bus - normally at about 11 : 20am - so that we could head up the road to work for the lady that I try to work for a few times per week . We waited for his bus , and at about 11 : 30 I called the school , only to find out that the busses weren 't running today . Gee , thanks for letting me know that - NOT . So I told them that he wasn 't going to be at school today , as I had plans that I had to get to , and since I DIDN ' T KNOW that the busses weren 't running , my plans were already screwed up enough . We ran across town to get gas and some lunch for the boys , and his bus driver called me - she was following me and recognized the She - Beast ( who wouldn 't ? ) and was giving me a hard time , but also informed me that the busses weren 't running again tomorrow . Ugh . Mess up my day some more , will you ? Anyway , we got gas , got lunch , and headed up to my lady 's house . The boys watched a movie and ate lunch while I did some of her laundry and cleaned up around the house a bit . She has spent the past few months in either the hospital or a nursing home and so there is quite a bit of cleaning to do , but she is a lot of fun to work with and I enjoy going to see her . Once I got done with her , we headed back home to wait for the older 3 to get home from school . Once they did and I visited with their father about stuff ( Picture day is tomorrow . I have to take them to a basketball game tomorrow night . Weekend schedule . Homework stuff . Valentine crap . ) we started on supper and homework and Valentines . I * hate * Valentine 's Day . Always have , even when I wasn 't single . But being single just makes me hate it even more . It is annoying . And why on Earth is my 6 year old 's VD party tomorrow , when VD actually falls on Monday ? Why do I have to deal with helping him fill out these stupid little cards today , when he should have all weekend to do it ? Ugh . Ugh . Ugh . Bath for the 5 year old , who once again pooped in his pants . Supper . Homework . Bath for the youngest . Valentine crap . Laundry . Dishes . Cleaning . Change the 5 year old into a different pair of pajamas because he pooped in the first pair . Send the 5 year old to bed . Send everyone else to bed . Take some time to type out this mindless drivel . Yep . I need a clone . I really do . But then again , it would probably end up like that movie . . . . . I don 't remember the name of it , but I think the guy cloned himself , but the clone wasn 't quite " right " and so he had to constantly clean up after the clone , and the clone 's clone , etc etc etc . That was a movie , right ? Good grief I need sleep . I think it started at about 1am last night . I was on the phone with a friend , talking about the events of the past week and analyzing things with him - he 's always good at giving me a long - distance smack upside the head when I need it , and for that , I am eternally grateful . Anyway , while we were talking , my 5 year old got up out of bed and came out to the living room with " the look " on his face . About a nano - second later , he started puking all over the living room floor . I hung up on my friend and grabbed a trash can to catch any remaining spewage and then got him cleaned up . He seemed to be fine , so we changed his clothes , he brushed his teeth , and went back to bed . I got the mess cleaned up and called my friend back to continue our late - night counseling session . I finally got to bed around 3am , thankful that the weather had cancelled any plans that we might have had for the day , but bummed that it meant that my older three wouldn 't be coming back home - but I 'd rather have them stay safe at their father 's house than risk driving out here with a foot of snow on the roads . The boys woke me up around 8am and I laid around for a while before I finally decided to get up . I made breakfast for us ( double chocolate chip muffins ) ( out of a box ) and then decided that we were going to go outside to play in the snow . We recently got some hand - me - down clothes from a friend and there was a pair of snow boots in there that would fit my youngest , but I didn 't have a pair for the 5 year old . I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had put a bag of shoes ( also HMD 's ) in the garage when we moved , and I thought that there might be some boots in there . So , in order to get into the garage , I had to fire up the She - Beast , back her up about 5 feet away from the garage door , clear the snow away from the base of the door , pry the door open with the shovel , clear away some more snow , pry some more , and finally opened the door . I found the bag of shoes , and whaddya know - the boots were in there ! I did a little happy dance and went back into the house clutching my new find . Of course , in order to actually go outside , I had to get both boys dressed , put on their snow pants , put on their boots , get their coats on , then hats , then gloves , then make them stand around and wait while I put on a second pair of socks , my boots , my coat , a hat , and gloves . Then we could finally go outside . We had exactly 12 " of beautiful white powder on the ground - more than I 've seen at one time ( that I can remember ) in the 13 + years that I 've lived in Kansas , so I was having a ball ! I love snow - but only when it 's " real " snow , which I define as a minimum of 12 " . We played around in the snow and I took a bunch of pictures and then we went back around front so that I could shovel the sidewalks . I 'm not sure why I bother with shoveling . I mean really , no one else does it . I 've never bothered with it . But for some reason , after moving into this house , I 've been shoveling . It is good exercise - and it is good stress relief . But I can already tell that I 'll be feeling it later . Once we got done playing around outside , we came in and I started uploading the pictures that I had taken . I got a nice hot shower and changed into my official Domestic Goddess Attire - sweats , tshirt , and sweatshirt . The rest of the day up until now has been more of the usual - the never - ending laundry , picking up toys , straightening up , doing dishes , etc etc etc . . . But at the same time I 've also been processing a lot of things in my head . I 've been doing a little bit of online research into some ways to help me to reach the goals that I have , and although I wouldn 't say that I 'm feeling motivated , I 'm at least starting to formulate some plans in my head . My next step will be to get those plans down on paper ( or better yet into a document on the computer so that I don 't lose the paper ) so that I can figure out how to put them into action . My biggest thing right now is getting the house cleaned up - I bought and installed an 8 ' shelf in my laundry room yesterday , which is helping immensely , but I really just need to get moving - I bet if I seriously focused for one day ( or even one long evening ) , I could have this place done the way that I want it to be done . And then once the house is clean and organized , I 'll feel like I can concentrate on the other stuff . And now that I put it out here for the world to see ( or at least my 20 - something stalkers ) I have no choice but to do it . Yep . It 's all a part of the plan . . . . . . Now that the fog in my head is starting to lift and I have analyzed everything that has happened in the past couple of years or more to the point that it just can 't be analyzed anymore , I realize that I need to get on with my life . I 'm not " over it " - I don 't know that I ever will be - but I also know that as a single mother who is trying to survive , I have to start to function again . I have to live . There are so many things that I want to do . I have so many goals , but so many of them seem so hard to reach right now . Some are small , some are huge . And these are in no order , other than the order that I am thinking of them . 2 . I need to get ready for this half - marathon . I have put 7 pounds back on this past week ( thank you stress and Mother Nature , you little brat ) and I just can 't keep going up and down like that . 3 . Along with the half - marathon deal , I just need to be healthier in general . OK , I know that it 's a morbid thought , but now if anything were to happen to me , my youngest son would be lost . I have to keep myself healthy , for all of my kids and especially for him . And with no health insurance , I need to pay better attention to what I eat and what I do to my body . 4 . Finances . Yeah , my finances suck . I really need to focus on that , but I 'm not even going to go into detail there . Way too depressing . Maybe once I get my taxes filed , I 'll feel better about that situation . 5 . Crafty stuff - My ultimate dream is still to have a little shop of my own with my craft stuff , and to actually make a living at it . I know that at this point it 's a pipe dream , but it 's still a dream . So I will keep putzing around doing stuff here and there and selling it here and there and just enjoy being able to do it when I can . Like I said , I 'm not over it . Not even close . But I know that I have to get past it . So , I 'm going to go put a pot of coffee on , see if I can warm up a bit , and get started on the little things that will make me feel like I 'm getting back on track . This has probably been the best day that I 've had since getting the news . I went to church this morning with my youngest , and it was the first time that we have made it in quite a while . Everyone knew what happened and I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs and tears . It was comforting to be with such a wonderful group of people for both the service and the chili / chicken noodle soup luncheon afterwards . After we came home , I put a movie in and my son went to sleep on the couch . I cleaned up around the living room a little and then did my nails while I watched the movie . It was nice to just sit and do something that didn 't require a great deal of thought , and to have peace and quiet at the same time . It was really the first " alone time " that I 've had , and I really enjoyed it . Then we ran to the store to pick up a few things to go over to our friends ' house to watch the Super Bowl . And yes , even though I am from Pennsylvania , I was absolutely thrilled to see the Steelers lose - so sue me ! After it was over , I got to spend some quality time in the hot tub , talking and thinking out loud . Back home again , and the little one is asleep on the couch . I 'm sitting here playing around online , catching up with people on Facebook that I haven 't had a chance to talk to with all of the commotion that has been going on around here . My mind is still going in about a dozen different directions at any given time , but the fog is starting to lift from my brain . I know that I have to get past this , and our lives must go on . I am still struggling , and I know that I will continue to do so for a long time . I was thinking back to the last time I talked to my ex - husband , several months ago . I was brutally honest with him at that time and I said some things that he didn 't want to hear , but I still believe that they were the truth and they needed to be said and he needed to hear them . I still remember his responses to me and that conversation will haunt me until the day that I die . I will always wish that things had turned out differently . I wish that I had handled certain situations in a different way , or that I would have been able to deal with some things better . But what I have to keep reminding myself is that what happened can 't be changed . Even if I had done everything perfectly , the outcome may have been the same . I need to try to get past my own feelings of guilt and move on with my life and make a good life for not just our son , but all of my kids . Day by day , bit by bit , it will get easier . At least that 's what I keep telling myself when I feel a meltdown coming . . . . Today was another attempt at maintaining normalcy around here . I took the kids ( 4 of them , anyway ) to the final basketball game of the season ( yay ! ) and managed to limp the She - Beast home with her massive oil leak . After we got home , I started cleaning and doing the massive amounts of laundry that needed to be done . I lost track of how many I did , but I did at least get all 3 boys ' beds stripped and remade , a few loads of clothes done , and the towels are washing and drying as I type this . Luckily , a good friend showed up unexpectedly with her daughters , and while the kids played she helped me to do some cleaning and straightening up . It is times like this that make me realize how lucky I am - I might not have any family nearby , but my friends are incredible . Another friend brought dinner by as well . My oldest daughter has a friend spending the night , so the 3 girls are in the bedroom playing around for a while longer before I send them to bed . I had to throw a major temper tantrum to get them to all play nicely together - when one of my girls has a friend come over , she never wants the other sister to play with them and it always creates drama . Once I went off on them and threatened to send the friend back home , things calmed down considerably . Of course , in the middle of doing laundry , the dryer died again . Ugh . I crawled up onto the kitchen table - the only way I can reach the breaker box - and flipped all of the breakers off and on , and it still wouldn 't work . So I pulled the dryer out from the wall , unplugged it , and plugged it back in . Voila . It works . Stupid piece of crap . * grouch * Somewhere in the middle of all of this , I realized that today would have been Gramma 's 102nd birthday . She died in 1994 from cancer , and not a day goes by that I don 't think about her . She 's even the one who taught me how to do laundry back when I was a freshman in college and living with her and my aunt and uncle . Life was so much simpler then . She and I would load up our laundry in my 1976 Mustang II and head to the laundromat . While our laundry was washing , we 'd go to the pizza place next door and have pizza and soda and chat about life in general . Such good times . . . . . I feel like the fog that I 've been in for the past few days is starting to lift . I still have an occasional meltdown , but it 's getting easier to think and easier to breathe . I 'm planning on taking my youngest to church tomorrow , and there 's a dinner after , so we 'll have lots of time to visit with our church family . I 'm sure that there will be tears , but I know that 's next to impossible to avoid right now . Each day will hopefully get easier . I know I 've said it before , but my friends are amazing . I know that I couldn 't have made it through the past few days without you . Thank you for everything . So here I am , 48 + hours after hearing the news . I feel like I am starting to get my emotions somewhat under control , although I still have occasional meltdowns throughout the day . I think I have just hit the Numb Auto - Pilot stage - I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done . Regardless of what is going on in my head , I still have 5 kids to take care of , and with them comes their laundry and their baths and feeding them and getting them to school and all of that fun stuff . I have been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy , but it hasn 't been easy . I don 't even really know what to say tonight . I feel lost . I spent most of the day working for a lady who just got out of the hospital , doing some laundry and housekeeping for her , and the rest of the day was spent running kids back and forth to school and dealing with my own household stuff . Or , I should probably say avoiding my own household stuff . My house is trashed . I mean , really trashed . I have been in such a fog that the kids have torn just about every toy out of the toy box , there is still laundry all over the place ( would you believe that I am sitting on a pile of laundry that somehow ended up on my chair ? ) , and there is a massive amount of dishes to do . I just can 't bring myself to do any of it , but I have made up my mind that as soon as I post this , I 'm going to get to it . I will put a stupid movie in and get to work . The weekend will continue as usual . Up early tomorrow for basketball games , then back home with all of the kids . I have to try to convince my girls to clean their room as my oldest is having a friend come to spend the night and I will not tolerate their room looking the way that it does now . My 5 year old is going with his father tomorrow for at least part of the weekend , and then up early again on Sunday to send the three oldest to church with their father while I take the youngest to church with me , and then a dinner at the church after the service . So maybe , just maybe , I can have some quiet time Sunday afternoon with just my youngest , who is generally more than content to watch Thomas the Tank Engine movies and play with his trains . I 'm still feeling just totally overwhelmed by this whole thing . I got information from the family today about the funeral arrangements , and then found out that I was given wrong information - really ? Was that necessary ? Maybe it was just a mistake , but somehow I doubt it . I just need to let it roll off of me and let it go , but I really hate evil spiteful petty BS like that . It 's stupid and a waste of energy . Anyway . . . . * sigh * . . . . I need to get to work . Maybe if just clean up a little bit real quick , I can still be in bed before midnight . That 'll give me about 7 hours to sleep - more than I 've gotten in the last 2 days combined . This sucks . I don 't even know what to think right now . I 'm physically , mentally , and emotionally exhausted . Yet with the exhaustion , my mind is still going a billion miles a second . I woke up this morning and had to get the kids up and dressed and fed and ready for school . As I was making pancakes , the strangeness of the situation hit me . My ex - husband just died , and I was making pancakes , like I always do . Regardless of my inner turmoil , I still have to go on living . Life goes on . In between taking the three older kids to school and taking the two younger ones to playschool and then picking them up , and then getting the 5 year old on the bus for preschool , I was trying to clean and keep up with the almost constant phone calls and text messages and facebook posts that kept coming in . Thankfully I was able to talk to a friend who had been through this before - the death of an ex - and she assured me that the emotions are normal . I had no idea that I would hurt this much . I mean seriously , I divorced the guy . I didn 't want to be with him anymore . I wanted him out of my life . But did I want this ? Hell no ! I still always had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would become a good father , and now that glimmer has been permanently extinguished . He is never coming back . I got a call from one of his family members today , and suffice it to say that it wasn 't pleasant . While informing me that she wasn 't here to judge anyone , she made it damned clear that he had been in a severe depression because he wasn 't able to see our son , and that ultimately contributed to his death . Really ? He hasn 't even been gone for 12 hours , and you want to blame me for it ? Whatever lady - go ahead . Blame me if it makes you feel better . And now you want his family to have a " relationship " with my son ? Now that his father is dead ? Hello . . . what happened to the last 2 years , when you didn 't acknowledge his existence ? I got angry and said some things to her that I probably shouldn 't have said , broke down crying , apologized , yelled at her some more and apologized some more . I have way too many emotions going through my head right now for some virtual stranger to inform me that a family that is 1700 miles away wants to have a relationship with my son . I 'll make that decision eventually , but it 's not going to happen today . Or even tomorrow . I wish that I could just put everything that I 'm feeling into words . I have so much going through my head right now and I just can 't seem to make any sense of it . Why did this happen ? How ? How could someone who is 46 years old die of congestive heart failure ? I know that there 's a family history of heart problems , and I know that the alcohol and the smoking contributed to it , but still . . . 46 years old ? I can 't wrap my head around the enormity of this . I just can 't do it . I have about 14 loads of laundry to do , bedrooms to clean , sidewalks to shovel , kids to pick up , supper to make , baths to give . . . . and I can 't even figure out how to do any of it right now . Some of you know , but most of you don 't . I found out yesterday that my ex - husband ( the second one ) was taken to the hospital by ambulance . Through a series of messages today , I found out that his condition had deteriorated quickly - multiple organs were failing and he was on a ventilator . I packed up the kids and we went to our friends ' house to hang out , because I didn 't want to be at home alone when I got the word . At about 7 : 30pm my time I received another message - " He didn 't make it . " I looked at my phone and couldn 't breathe . I handed the phone to my friends so that they could see the message too , and I lost it . Completely and totally lost it . Our marriage was not a fairy tale story by any stretch of the imagination . We met online , we rushed into a relationship and we rushed into a marriage . We both had our demons - his was alcohol - but we tried to work past them . There were numerous times when the police were called to our home because the drinking had gotten out of hand , and he did a stint in rehab , but the lure of the alcohol was always too strong . Kicking him out for the final time was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life , but I had to protect myself and my kids . Since that time , I have had very little contact with him . I have not seen him in over a year and a half , and he has not seen our son in that long either . I told my girls about him being in the hospital first . I knew that I had to tell them - to prepare them - because I wasn 't sure how I was going to react when I found out that he was gone . They were devastated . So they knew as soon as I broke down at our friends ' house what had happened . I waited until we got home to tell my 6 year old . He didn 't fully grasp it , and I didn 't expect him to . I haven 't told my 5 year old yet , and I haven 't told our son . I have gone through a complete rollercoaster of emotions today . I am pissed off at him - I don 't know what the official cause of death was , but I 'm quite sure that alcohol played a part in it . Why couldn 't he just stop drinking ? Why was booze so damned important to him that he gave up his LIFE for it ? I am sad that our son will never know his father . He was not quite 2 years old when he left , and doesn 't even ask about him . He has never asked me why he didn 't have a daddy in his life , and now when he does , I have to tell him that his daddy is dead . I am devastated because even though our marriage wasn 't perfect , I still believed that deep down inside , there was a good man trying to get out . I still had that tiny little glimmer of hope that at some point , he would get the help that he needed and become a father to our son , even if from a distance . Now , any hope is gone . He is gone . I didn 't expect to feel this many emotions . I didn 't expect to have this horrible pain in my chest and the knot in my stomach and the eyes that are almost swollen shut from crying . Our divorce was just final 20 days ago , and I thought that the emotional rollercoaster was over . Sadly , I think I just got back on for another ride . I know that we will get through this . I know that we will be fine . But right now , I am hurting . I think I am hurting more than I ever have before . Not only am I still mourning the end of our marriage , but now I am mourning the death of a man with whom I was once crazy in love . Thanks to my post yesterday , I found out that there was another way to do the phone tethering thing . Turns out that there 's an app that lets you do it for free . . . . . so , needless to say , I am typing this on my computer , and then I do NOT have to email it to my trusty assistant , because I can post it by myself ! Yay me ! I did manage to get the She - Beast fixed today . The roads were horrendous to even get to my friends ' house ( less than a mile away , mind you ) but I got there and the boys went inside to play while I got to work - after I handed over two loaves of still - warm banana bread as " payment " for borrowing their garage and tools . As soon as I got under her , I could see that the pressure hose had come loose from the power steering pump . When I took it off the whole way , I saw that the o - ring had also been damaged . So I borrowed my friend 's car and ran to the auto parts store and got a new o - ring and a quart of power steering fluid . Once I got back , it took about 10 minutes to get it reassembled . It doesn 't * appear * to be leaking , so maybe , just maybe it 'll be ok , for at least a little while , for a grand total of $ 4 . 96 . While this little Adventure in Mechanic ' n was going on , the temperature was in the single digits outside and the wind was howling like Mother Nature had just discovered that not only had someone peed in her Wheaties , but they also dumped them on her head and then poked her in the eye . The wind was unreal , to say the least . Although we had a space heater going in the garage and it was out of the wind , it was still bitter cold . The snow didn 't even melt off of the She - Beast while I was working on her . Once I got home ( ah , to have power steering again ! ) I immediately got into the shower to try to thaw my feet out . The rest of my body was fine ( might have had something to do with the 4 layers of clothes ) but my feet were numb . It took several hours for my toes to get back to their normal size and color but they are feeling much better now , thankyouverymuch . Other than that , my afternoon / evening hasn 't been terribly exciting . I made some more banana bread to give to a friend ( in trade for some very yummy cinnabon buns , I might add ) and started cleaning out the toybox . I do need to finish doing that now that the boys are both asleep . All of the schools are cancelled again tomorrow , so I have to run out to pick up my older three from their dad 's house at some point in the morning so that they can be here for their usual Wednesday - but I 'm guessing that basketball and church will be cancelled and so the usual chaotic Wednesday won 't be quite as bad . Anyway , I 'm just so excited that I can now post these on my own , and so I 'm going to post it . Just because I can . Haha .

So I 'm in another one of those weird places - you know , where my mind is going a million miles an hour about a million different things but I can 't pinpoint a single thing that I 'm actually thinking about . Yesterday was rough for some reason . I had all sorts of plans to get all sorts of things done , and I didn 't do ANYTHING . Literally . I sat around all day , playing on the computer , watching movies with the kids , and eating . I won 't even go into the amount of food that I ate yesterday - it disgusts me to think about it . One of the things that I can pinpoint as being directly on my mind is my ex - husband 's family . For almost two years , they have had zero contact with our son . Wait , I take that back . His grandmother sent him a couple of birthday cards and Christmas cards . Nothing from his grandfather . Nothing from his uncles . No phone calls from anyone . Nothing . My ex used the excuse at one point that the restraining order forbid them to have contact - that 's pushing it a bit , but still only accounts for about 7 months out of the last 2 years . The day after my ex died , his sister - in - law called me and informed me that the family wants to " have a relationship " with my son . I got angry and told her exactly how I feel about that family and the way that they have ignored my son 's existence for the last 2 years , and that I wasn 't sure that I wanted him to have any sort of relationship with them . After all , he is 3 1 / 2 . His father has been out of his life for almost 2 years . He doesn 't remember him , he doesn 't ask about him , and he certainly has no clue about anyone in his father 's family - what is the point of introducing these strangers into his life ? They live 1600 miles away - it 's not like they 're going to be popping over for tea on a regular basis . This is something that I am really struggling with . In a perfect world , they would have maintained a relationship with my son throughout this whole ordeal . They would have cared about him enough to call him and check on him and make sure that he was ok . But they didn 't . They didn 't care . They walked out of his life as soon as I kicked his drunk father out of ours . In the 3 + weeks since I had that conversation with the sister - in - law , I have heard exactly NOTHING from any of them . They have not sent me the paperwork for the trust fund that they supposedly set up for my son and his older brother . They have not called my son . They have not sent him a letter or a card or even an email . Yet they want to have a relationship with him ? Are they waiting for me to make the first move ? If they are , they 're going to be waiting a heck of a long time . In my opinion , they have already written him off . They have ignored his existence for two years . The sister - in - law didn 't even know what YEAR he was born - she was shocked when I gave her his date of birth for the trust fund paperwork . It 's not like she didn 't remember the exact day , but to not even know the year ? ? ? I know that I should forgive and forget , let bygones be bygones , etc . etc . etc . But the fact is that I am extremely angry with them . They ignored my son . They took my ex back into the fold and provided him with a place to live and food to eat and ( most likely ) liquor to drink . They continued to enable him , rather than make him take responsibility for his own actions . They blame me for the lack of contact between him and my son - hey guess , what ? I 'm not going to put my son on the phone with someone who is so drunk that he can 't even form complete sentences . Call me crazy if you want , but I 'm not going to do it . I gave him so many chances to clean up his act , but he chose not to . Yes , alcoholism is a disease - but there is treatment for the disease , should the affected individual CHOOSE to seek that treatment . He chose not to . Had he sought treatment and counseling , he could have had all the contact that he wanted with my son . This is one of those times that I wish I could see into the future and see the various outcomes that could happen . I would like to know if allowing ( or not allowing ) a relationship between my son and his father 's family is the best thing for my son . Because in the big picture , it doesn 't matter what I think or feel about them - it is about what is best for my son . Personally , right now , at this moment in time , I think it 's best to pretend that they don 't exist , just as they have done to him . He is too young to understand who they are . I feel like they only want to have this so - called relationship for their own selfish reasons - they aren 't thinking about what is best for him , only what is best for them . But now that I 've gotten all that off of my chest ( wow , I really didn 't mean to type that much ) I have to get back to cleaning and laundry and running my daughter 's lunchbox across town to give to the stepmother and watching the race and watching the weather ( hail in February ? really ? ) and figuring the bills and all sorts of other stuff that I have to work on today . Maybe I can be more productive today than I was yesterday . Probably the most excitement that we 've had is that when my 5 year old got off the bus from preschool yesterday , his bus driver handed me a letter informing me that the preschool was now closed . Until further notice . That 's it . It 's closed . Wha . . . . . . . . . . ? The driver and the aide were both in tears - they had been informed just before they brought the kids home . The letter was vague at best - something about looking for a new grantee to run the program and they would reopen as soon as possible , blah blah blah . OK , luckily I don 't have a " real " job so in the grand scheme of things , it 's not that big of a deal . But at the same time , I am so incredibly angry . There are other parents who work outside of the home who now have no one to watch their kid ( s ) while this grantee business is worked out . The kids are now totally thrown out of their routine . It 's a mess . No one knows anything . Typical of a government funded program , I suppose . I did finally receive my temporary daycare license in the mail today . I have been struggling with what I want to do as far as the daycare goes . Honestly , it 's a hassle . Not the kids themselves , but the paperwork and the inspections and all that jazz . I enjoy the kids - I just don 't enjoy the other stuff . I had almost decided that I didn 't want to do it at all , other than the little bit of part time stuff that I do now . But , now that I have my license in hand , I think I 'm going to go through with it and just keep it as a part time gig . I have other sources of income now , and running a daycare can now be more of a " fun " thing to do rather than something that I have to do . I think it 's all going to work out just fine in the end . So , because I just don 't have anything fun or witty or deep to say tonight , I figured I 'd give posting pictures a try . I was down to only one kid for most of the day today , so we went out on a little pre - half - marathon jaunt , for a grand total of 7 . 24 miles . I took my camera and got some random shots along the way . . . . He has the best vantage point on our walks . He gets to sit back , relax , suck his thumb , play with a few toys , and chatter about everything that he sees . I love to see the world through his eyes ! So there you have it . . . . . 7 . 24 miles summed up in a bunch of pictures . Maybe I 'll have something more brilliant to say tomorrow . But until then , I get to play the role of Vomit Wrangler Extraordinaire . Yay me ! Today was interesting . Since the little one let me sleep until almost 10am ( a perk of him staying up playing until midnight last night when he finally decided that he wasn 't sick anymore ) I was a bit slow to get moving . My 5 year old came home shortly after that and I wandered around the house , still in the clothes that I slept in with my medusa - like hair flying around my head . Next thing I know , there 's a knock at my door . Not just any knock , but the loud * BAM * * BAM * * BAM * that can only come from law enforcement . Sure enough , there 's a sheriff on my front porch , wanting to know if some guy lived here . I said no , and he asked me , " are you sure ? " Uh yeah , buddy . I might look like hell , but I 'm pretty sure I do know who lives here ! Once I convinced him that I did not know the guy and that he never lived here with me , he apologized for bugging me and left . Whoa . OK , that was strange . Another knock at the door , this time nicely and politely . It was a gentleman from the electric company , informing me that they were going to be cutting power to my house so that they could replace a transformer . Oh , yay . I thanked him for the warning , shut down the computer , and got the boys ready to go grocery shopping . We went out to get in the She - Beast , and she had somehow slipped into a coma . * growl * So what did we do ? We walked to the grocery store . OK , it 's not like it 's that far - it 's only a block and it looked nice enough out . We got jackets on and started walking , and then I realized that it was actually pretty cold out . Dammit . Anyway , we got to the store and got some stuff . I only got about half of the things on my list because we were walking , but I still overestimated the weight that I was going to have to carry home . Thankfully I had brought my reusable bags , so once they were crammed full we headed out to go back to the house . Perfect timing , as the electric trucks were pulling out of the alley as we walked across the front yard . In the meantime , I had emailed a friend about the comatose She - Beast , and so he showed up to jump it for me . We hooked it up to his truck , she started , we let her run and she seemed to be fine . Hopefully she won 't have an attitude in the morning again . Stupid thing . Then another friend called and asked if he could come over - he was having troubles with love and needed to talk for a while , so we hung out and chatted . After he left , the boys finally wound down and crashed on the couch and I tossed them into bed and started playing around on Facebook . The things I see on there amaze me . The love and support to the family of my classmate that passed away yesterday is uplifting to say the least . I see new relationships forming , relationships that are troubled , relationships ending , expectant mothers receiving chemo , the long - unemployed getting jobs , deaths , births , illnesses , recoveries , venting , rejoicing - it 's all there . People that I haven 't seen in 20 + years have been an unrelenting source of support for me as I have gone through all the BS of the past year or so , and sometimes it still catches me by surprise . And I see some of the struggles that my friends are going through , both near and far , and it makes me realize that no matter how crappy of a day I 've had , someone else has had a worse one . And when I 'm having a good day , I can pass along some cheer and smiles to someone who needs it . Facebook is a powerful thing . The good thing though , is that I have accomplished most of the stuff on my list today . I did the girls ' laundry , I stripped and remade their beds ( I just have to put the blanket and comforter back on the top bunk and then I can say that task is done , and they 're both in the dryer ) and I vacuumed their room . I organized the freezers and I got half of the grocery shopping done . Tomorrow I am going to straighten up the boys ' room , do their laundry , strip their beds , hopefully wash the towels , and work with Connie for a few hours . As long as the She - Beast starts , I should be in good shape , but we 'll see if that happens . * crossing fingers * But for now , I believe that I am going to go watch whatever movie it was that I rented last night . I can 't even remember what I got at this point . I think I have once again lost my mind . Another night where I just don 't even know what to say . My mind is going a bajillion miles an hour , but I can 't seem to form a coherent thought . The unexpected loss of our high school classmate at the young age of 40 has been on my mind most of the day , and has had me rethinking some things . Heather was the last person that I would have ever expected to have had a heart attack . She seemed to be so happy and so healthy . She hiked and had a garden and a good job and just seemed happy . She was only 2 weeks older than I am , and when someone who is your age dies , it makes you think about how it could happen to you too . Or , at least it does that to me , but I also tend to overanalyze things . Still . . . it got me to thinking . . . there are so many things that I could be doing to be healthier in so many ways . I know I could eat better . I know I need to exercise more . I know I need to take care of my finances better . I know I need to keep the house neater and more organized . OK , so maybe these don 't all relate to physical health , but they are part of my overall health . And I know that I 've made half - hearted efforts at these things before , but I never follow through with them . So , I have some goals for the next few days . I am going to list them out here with the hopes that it will help to keep me accountable and on track . Yeah , we 'll see how that works . Anyway , here they are , in no particular order : 2 . Make grocery list from the aforementioned menu . I cleaned out my cabinets the other day so it should be easy to make the list and not buy a bunch of stuff that I don 't need . 4 . Actually set aside time on my calendar to work out - either walking or working out if the weather is bad . But scheduled the time and then stick to it . I do have a half - marathon to prepare for , you know . 5 . Set aside time every day to actually balance my checkbook . * gasp * I haven 't done that in about 2 years . Time to start over . I have to take better care of myself . It 's something that I 've never done , and I know now that I have to . No one else is going to do it for me . We all got up this morning and I managed to get everyone up and dressed and fed and to school on time , and then the 2 younger ones and I came home , as they didn 't have school today . I called Connie to let her know that we would not be coming to see her , as Sir Pukesalot was continuing to spew from both ends , and I didn 't think that it was a good idea to expose her to that . So we tentatively rescheduled for Tuesday . I spent the day rotating between laundry , mopping , disinfecting , dishes , holding the puke can , racing the little one to the toilet , and trying to sit and relax occasionally . It was nuts . But I did get a lot of cleaning done around the house , and the floors actually look really good for a change . Now , if I can only keep them that way . . . . . After the older kids got home , we ate supper ( leftovers ! ) and then went out to run a few errands . The brake lights on my dash are still on from the near - accident yesterday , so I know that I 'm going to need to get those looked at soon . We stopped and got a card for a high school classmate who is going through some major health issues ( mental note : put in mail tomorrow ) and then we went and got some milk and ice cream . After we got home , I let the girls run across the street to rent a couple of movies and then everyone started to relax a little bit . I * think * that everyone might be asleep , which makes me wonder - why am I still up ? I did manage to get some sleep last night , but if I went to be now , I could theoretically get 8 or 9 hours of sleep , barring any unexpected spewage from any of the kids . Now where was I ? Honestly , I have no idea . These last 2 days have really just blended into one big long puke - filled ordeal . Thank God tomorrow is Saturday , we don 't have to get up early ( although I 'm sure I will anyway ) , we don 't have to go anywhere , and maybe we can just relax . I haven 't checked the weather , but if it 's decent hopefully we can get outside and play ( assuming the pukage stops ) and just have a good day . I need a break . . . . . didn 't get any better . Once the 5 year old went to preschool for the afternoon , Sir Poopsalot and I laid down for a little bit and took a nap while the 6 year old ( who really wasn 't sick ) amused himself and played quietly . I didn 't get much sleep , but I felt a little bit better . By the time everyone got home from school , I had made yet another executive decision and announced that we were going to walk to McDonald 's to get food . The little one seemed to be doing better , and he * wanted * to go , so I took that as a good sign . While we were walking there ( it 's less than a block away - dangerous for a fast food junkie like myself ) I happened to look down and lo and behold , there was a $ 20 on the ground ! Woot ! That just about covered supper for all of us ! Bonus ! Anyway , we got our food , came back home , ate , and then went outside to play . While we were out there I scoped out the back yard trying to figure out exactly how I am going to fence it in to meet daycare regulations . I really need to talk to the landlord and see if he will work with me on it - then I can put up something decent . If he doesn 't , it 's going to be cheap and ugly . But we played , we threw a football around and then we came inside to get ready for bed . Once we got inside , the little one crawled up onto the couch and fell asleep again . I started baths for the others and then of course , he got sick ( think Exorcist ) again . I stripped him on the couch and carried him at arm 's length to the bathtub . Once I got him in the water and cleaned up , I stripped the covers off of the couch cushions and threw those , the throw pillows , and his clothes in the washer . More baths , more cleaning , more homework . . . bedtime drama . . . once I got them all into bed I sat down to relax a little bit and then mopped the worst of the floors , so now I am sitting here inhaling all sorts of * ahem * lovely smells from my house . I talked to a friend for a while on the phone , and realized that I haven 't spoken to her since my ex passed away . Honestly , I haven 't spoken to a lot of my friends . I 've been in my own little world , dealing with my own drama , trying not to dump it on anyone else ( other than here , but you can make the choice whether or not to read it ) . My life has changed dramatically in so many ways in the 15 days since he died . I realized that I no longer have to live in fear of him coming back and causing problems for me or our son . I don 't have to live in hiding like I have been doing . I don 't have to constantly look over my shoulder anymore . I don 't think that a lot of people realized how much I feared something happening if he showed up here again . But at the same time , I realized that in a way , I did still love him . I knew realistically that he would probably never sober up and be a decent father , but I still hoped that he would have . As I 've looked at old pictures over the past 2 weeks , I 've smiled thinking about the good times that we had - but I have also shed more tears over the bad times . I have gone through every emotion imaginable , and I feel like maybe I am starting to come to grips with it all . I feel like I am finally starting to handle things better , and I feel like in the grand scheme of things , we are going to be ok . I admit that I stayed up way too late last night . I got on the phone with a friend and we chatted until close to 1 : 30am . Knowing that I had to be up at 5 : 15 , I finally got off the phone and laid down , but it was probably close to 2 : 00am before I fell asleep . The next thing I knew , my oldest daughter came out to get me telling me that the youngest had thrown up . Huh ? What ? Who are you ? In my fog , I staggered back to his room and the smell woke me up instantly , and I realized that it was about 2 : 45am . I got him stripped and into the bathtub , as that was the only hope for him at that point , and took his comforter and pajamas and immediately threw them into the washer . I got him into a fresh pair of jammies and put him in bed with me . By this time , it was close to 3 : 30am . He fell asleep , but from that point on , he woke up and puked more about every 30 - 45 minutes . I knew that I still had to get the 3 older kids to school and so around 6 : 00am I sent a text to their stepmother asking if she could please come and pick them up , as I didn 't want to take the chance of him getting sick on the way to or from , and thankfully she agreed . In the meantime all of the kids were getting up and getting ready , and the 6 year old just didn 't look right . Sure enough , he started saying that his stomach hurt . Fine - I made the executive decision to keep him home as well . I got the pancakes made , got everyone fed who wanted to eat , and sent the girls to school with their stepmother . I dozed off and on while the boys played but then had to get up to get the 5 year old to playschool . About this time , the youngest one 's diarrhea started . Fun fun . As we pulled into the playschool parking lot , a car started backing out of a parking space and came within inches of slamming into my door ( ironically , the car had PA tags on it ) so I slammed on my brakes and hit the horn . I felt the brakes lock up but didn 't think too much about it . I pulled up behind the school , took the 5 year old inside , and when I came back out I noticed that both my " brake " light and my " anti - lock " light were lit up on the dash . I turned the van off and back on thinking that might reset them , but no , the lights stayed on while we drove home . The brakes feel ok , I think - I just don 't know why the lights won 't go off . Add it to the list of repairs . Now for the rest of the day it 's laundry and cleaning to try to get the smell of vomit out of the house , figure out something for supper ( as usual ) , homework , paperwork - I was going to try to do some grocery shopping but I 'm not sure if I can do that with Sir Poopsalot , but I need to figure something out . And maybe at some point I can actually take the time to get a shower . Excitement ! ! ! Yep , it 's Wednesday . Wednesdays are notoriously crazy around this house . It is the first night that the older 3 come back here from their dad 's house , and they are always fired up . It started out as a fairly easy day . I got to sleep in a little bit , and I didn 't have any extra kids for the day . I also didn 't have to go take care of Connie today , so there was no place that I had to be . After I got the 5 year old on the bus to preschool , I decided to take the youngest and go for a walk - after all , if I am going to do this half - marathon in May , I need to really start working for it . The weather was perfect , so we loaded up the stroller and took off . I had mapped out my route before we left and was aiming for 6 . 5 - 7 miles - I wanted to do at least half of a half - marathon . We stopped at the library to drop off some books , stopped at the post office to check the box , and kept going . 6 . 63 miles later , I turned off the tracker on the phone because I was getting tired and screwing up my pace , and we stopped to get lunch ( I got a salad ) . We came home and I got a shower and cleaned all of the mud off of me ( stupid melting snow ) and then started getting supper ready while I cleaned up the house . In the meantime , I got a call from Social Security about my youngest son 's benefits that he 'll be receiving from his father - luckily that phone call went very smoothly , thanks to my ex - husband 's first wife getting the ball rolling for both of us . The same worker is handling both of the boys ' cases so she already had a lot of the information that she needed . I am so very thankful to her for giving me the name of the lady that she had spoken with as it made things so much easier . The older 3 got home around 5 : 30 and we had about an hour to eat before they had to leave again to go to church with their father and stepmother . They ate ( well , 2 out of the 3 did - the third refused because " it was gross " ) and played out in the front yard with the football until it was time for them to leave . There was some I Can 't Find My Shoes and I 'm Still Hungry drama , but no more than usual . After they left , I made the 2 younger ones clean up the toys in the living room under the Don 't Make Me Get A Trash Bag And Clean Up The Toys Myself threat . And of course , my body is feeling every inch of the 6 . 63 miles that I walked today . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again - ibuprofen is my friend . Hopefully I can walk in the morning , since I have to be up and running at 5 : 15am to get everyone up and ready so that I can get the older 3 to school on time . Please let me remember to set both of my alarms AND the timer on the coffee pot - I 'm going to need all of the help that I can get in the morning . Today started out ok . I got to sleep in a little bit , which is a rare treat . My 5 year old was brought back home after spending part of the weekend with his father , and we chilled out until it was time to start getting ready for school . Then I got the mail . Yup . That 's when it all started falling to pieces . Getting a letter from the Internal Revenue Service is never a good thing . NEVER . Long story short , apparently my dead ex - husband drained his 401K sometime in 2008 without my knowledge and then filed our taxes together without claiming that money as income . So now there is a nice chunk of money that * I * am responsible for . Really ? The IRS lady that I spoke with was actually really nice ( except for that horrendous Boston accent that makes my skin crawl every time I hear it ) and she was very understanding . But regardless , the money is coming out of * my * tax refund ( you know , the money I was planning on surviving on for a little bit ) , I have to file for Innocent Spouse Relief , and then if I qualify , they 'll give me the money back . Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things , but you know , I thought that I was done cleaning up his messes . That 's what I get for thinking . Whatever . I 'll deal with it . I 'll clean this one up too . I did a little bit of shopping today , and for the first time in probably a decade or more I bought myself a pair of pajamas . Yup . Why ? Because they were cute and dammit I wanted them . So there . So I am now sitting here sporting my new St . Patrick 's Day pajamas and drinking a beer just because I can . Yep . And no one can stop me . Deal with it . As I 've talked to friends and family about my ex 's death , I find myself wondering about the What Could Have Been scenario . You know , I always hoped that he would straighten up and be a decent father . I hoped that he would beat the alcoholism . I hoped , I hoped , I hoped . Then I rented " Charlie St . Cloud " tonight and sat here and watched it . I wasn 't impressed by the movie as a whole - ok , it wasn 't bad . . . just wasn 't fabulous . But throughout the whole movie I kept thinking about how the little boy , Sam , looked like my ex 's older son . And he was into baseball , like my ex . And he always wore a Red Sox ball cap , like my ex . One of Sam 's last lines in the movie was " no one ever gets to see what could have been " . I can sit here and think about all the potential scenarios of how our lives could have been different had we chosen to do things differently , but the point is that I 'll never know . I need to stop beating myself up over it . It is what it is . Now that I have that food for thought , I believe I am going to go crash . I have an early and long day tomorrow , with extra kids in and out and playschool and preschool and working with Connie and cleaning and laundry and all of the other fun stuff that I do on a daily basis . If I sleep now I can get a good 6 hours in before I * have * to get up . I mean really - if you 're in a relationship and you love someone , shouldn 't you show that person every day ? Shouldn 't you tell him / her every day , even multiple times a day , that you love him / her ? Do you really have to have the multi - bajillion dollar greeting card companies tell you when to be affectionate ? OK , so let 's say that you actually " celebrate " this day . You do everything that you are supposed to do - the flowers , the card , the chocolate , the fancy dinner - and then on February 15 , things go back to normal . But shouldn 't the " normal " be special ? Don 't " normal " days warrant displays of love and affection ? Or is it ok to NOT show love to your significant other just because it 's not a ( made - up ) holiday ? So I might be a little bitter about it just because I 'm not even in a relationship , so displays of affection for me consist of kisses from my kids and cards made out of construction paper ( which I do love ) , and this day just rubs my singleness in my face . Do I want to be in a relationship right now ? Mmmmmm . . . . maybe , maybe not . The jury is still out on that one . I miss having someone around , but I 'm also way too independent to have someone around all the time at this point . I do enjoy my singleness ( to a point ) but at the same time , I miss being part of a couple . I just get really aggravated with people who go all out for one day each year . I feel like their significant others are getting shafted every other day . Maybe I 'm old - fashioned . . . but I think that maybe if we treated our " special someone " better every other day of the year , a lot of people would be a lot happier . Just sayin ' . Oh , and for the record - I have felt the same way about this day for as long as I can remember - even when I was in a happy relationship . It 's not just me being bitter and single . So there . All I know is that I ran myself ragged yesterday . Up at 5 : 30 , got all 5 kids up and dressed and fed , out the door and into the She - Beast by 7 : 15am . I dropped the older 3 off at school and then ran about 15 miles up the road to take care of my lady ( I need to come up with a name for her . I feel weird calling her " my lady " but I 'm trying not to use real names on here . How about if I call her . . . . . oh my gosh I really can 't think of a good name . . . . I 'll call her Connie . I don 't know why , it just popped into my head , but it sounds good ) who shall now be called Connie . I got to her place shortly after 8am and got to work doing her laundry and cleaning her bathroom and doing dishes and stuff . The boys were watching movies in her living room and we actually behaving fairly well for a change . Connie 's brother came over with a gentleman who was outside shoveling the snow , and this man was nice enough to put more oil into the She - Beast , as I had mentioned that I was praying the whole way to her house that I was going to make it . Stupid oil leak . Anyway , he got the oil out of the back end and filled her up and she ran ok for the rest of the day . I worked with Connie until just afternoon and then took my 5 year old to school and stopped and got some lunch for me and the 3 year old before heading back up to her house to finish up some things . I stayed there for another hour and a half or so and then we had to head back to pick up the 5 year old ( yep , going to come up with names for the kids now too ) from school . I ran to the bank , picked him up , went to pick up some pizzas for supper , and ex # 1 met me there with the older three kids . Back home , pizzas in oven , straighten up , eat supper , load up the She - Beast , head back out to the kids ' school for a basketball game ( which turned out to be 2 games ) , try to control 5 kids through 2 basketball games , back home , kids to bed , more laundry , more dishes . . . . then I finally crashed . 3 : 20am today , I woke up with a leg cramp . Not a normal leg cramp either - you know , the ones in the calf that can be easily stretched out . No , this one had to be up the outside of my leg , from my ankle to my knee . I could 't stretch it , and since I was in an exhaustion - induced coma , I really couldn 't even figure out what was going on . So I wobbled over to the kitchen , slugged down some ibuprofen and a bottle of water , wobbled back to the futon and passed out again . Woke up at some point this morning and the 5 year old was snuggled in with me . Cool . At least he wasn 't trashing the joint - and I fell back asleep . Then the kids started getting up and I noticed that he was gone . And then I noticed the big wet spot on the futon . Then the 6 year old started screaming that the 5 year old pooped on the floor . Oh good God really ? REALLY ? So I got up and went to investigate . Sure enough . . . . So the 5 year old got a bath and got dressed , I stripped everything off of the futon , started laundry ( imagine that ) and got breakfast thrown in the oven . And it 's already 12 : 30 . How is it that I 've been running non - stop and still feel like I 've gotten nothing done yet ? But I do have some plans for some things that I do want to get done today - I just need to get some more caffeine into my system first . And maybe some more ibuprofen too . It 's Thursday . On Thursdays , I am supposed to have my two youngest boys at playschool at 9 : 00am . Since my other kids ended up spending the night with their dad because of the weather , I didn 't have to get up as early as I typically do on Thursdays , and I think I set my alarm for 7 : 30 . The boys got up and started playing around , and I continued laying on the futon , which was sooooo incredibly comfortable . And warm . The next thing I knew , it was 8 : 39am . I had exactly 21 minutes to get them to school , and by God they were going . These mornings are the ONLY times that I have time to myself and I was not giving it up . I grabbed some clothes for them and got them dressed and then took a quick look at myself . Luckily , I generally sleep in sweats , so if I have to I can make a quick public appearance before actually getting dressed . While it 's not my preference , it does occasionally happen . I grabbed some fruit snacks for them to eat on the way and we took off out the door . I got them to school at 9 : 05 and was feeling quite pleased with myself for being close to on time , and I went back home . When I got out of the She - Beast , I slammed the door and turned around to walk to the door , and as I did , I bumped into a low - hanging branch on the neighbor 's tree . Snow immediately dumped down the back of my bare neck and started melting down inside the back of my shirt . I bolted for the house , got inside , and was in the shower in about 2 . 5 seconds . I got out of the shower and got dressed and within moments there was a knock at my door . I wasn 't expecting anyone and there was not a car in the driveway , so I cautiously opened my door . It was my neighbor lady , who apologetically asked if she could come inside , as she had locked her keys in her car and couldn 't get back into her house . She had her cell phone with her so she had called her son to get him to at least let her back into her house and then she was calling her roadside assistance people to get the keys out of her car . We sat and visited for a while before her son arrived and she went back home . Another knock at the door . What the . . . . . ? I opened up and it was the lady from the health department who was here to do the next portion of the inspection for my daycare licensing . Needless to say , I haven 't done much of anything over the past week , so I now have a list of things that I * must * do this week . She left exactly 5 minutes before I had to leave to go get the boys . So much for my me - time . Grrr . I went to get them and then hurried back home so that the 5 year old could get on the bus for preschool . The plan was for me and my youngest to leave as soon as he got on the bus - normally at about 11 : 20am - so that we could head up the road to work for the lady that I try to work for a few times per week . We waited for his bus , and at about 11 : 30 I called the school , only to find out that the busses weren 't running today . Gee , thanks for letting me know that - NOT . So I told them that he wasn 't going to be at school today , as I had plans that I had to get to , and since I DIDN ' T KNOW that the busses weren 't running , my plans were already screwed up enough . We ran across town to get gas and some lunch for the boys , and his bus driver called me - she was following me and recognized the She - Beast ( who wouldn 't ? ) and was giving me a hard time , but also informed me that the busses weren 't running again tomorrow . Ugh . Mess up my day some more , will you ? Anyway , we got gas , got lunch , and headed up to my lady 's house . The boys watched a movie and ate lunch while I did some of her laundry and cleaned up around the house a bit . She has spent the past few months in either the hospital or a nursing home and so there is quite a bit of cleaning to do , but she is a lot of fun to work with and I enjoy going to see her . Once I got done with her , we headed back home to wait for the older 3 to get home from school . Once they did and I visited with their father about stuff ( Picture day is tomorrow . I have to take them to a basketball game tomorrow night . Weekend schedule . Homework stuff . Valentine crap . ) we started on supper and homework and Valentines . I * hate * Valentine 's Day . Always have , even when I wasn 't single . But being single just makes me hate it even more . It is annoying . And why on Earth is my 6 year old 's VD party tomorrow , when VD actually falls on Monday ? Why do I have to deal with helping him fill out these stupid little cards today , when he should have all weekend to do it ? Ugh . Ugh . Ugh . Bath for the 5 year old , who once again pooped in his pants . Supper . Homework . Bath for the youngest . Valentine crap . Laundry . Dishes . Cleaning . Change the 5 year old into a different pair of pajamas because he pooped in the first pair . Send the 5 year old to bed . Send everyone else to bed . Take some time to type out this mindless drivel . Yep . I need a clone . I really do . But then again , it would probably end up like that movie . . . . . I don 't remember the name of it , but I think the guy cloned himself , but the clone wasn 't quite " right " and so he had to constantly clean up after the clone , and the clone 's clone , etc etc etc . That was a movie , right ? Good grief I need sleep . I think it started at about 1am last night . I was on the phone with a friend , talking about the events of the past week and analyzing things with him - he 's always good at giving me a long - distance smack upside the head when I need it , and for that , I am eternally grateful . Anyway , while we were talking , my 5 year old got up out of bed and came out to the living room with " the look " on his face . About a nano - second later , he started puking all over the living room floor . I hung up on my friend and grabbed a trash can to catch any remaining spewage and then got him cleaned up . He seemed to be fine , so we changed his clothes , he brushed his teeth , and went back to bed . I got the mess cleaned up and called my friend back to continue our late - night counseling session . I finally got to bed around 3am , thankful that the weather had cancelled any plans that we might have had for the day , but bummed that it meant that my older three wouldn 't be coming back home - but I 'd rather have them stay safe at their father 's house than risk driving out here with a foot of snow on the roads . The boys woke me up around 8am and I laid around for a while before I finally decided to get up . I made breakfast for us ( double chocolate chip muffins ) ( out of a box ) and then decided that we were going to go outside to play in the snow . We recently got some hand - me - down clothes from a friend and there was a pair of snow boots in there that would fit my youngest , but I didn 't have a pair for the 5 year old . I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had put a bag of shoes ( also HMD 's ) in the garage when we moved , and I thought that there might be some boots in there . So , in order to get into the garage , I had to fire up the She - Beast , back her up about 5 feet away from the garage door , clear the snow away from the base of the door , pry the door open with the shovel , clear away some more snow , pry some more , and finally opened the door . I found the bag of shoes , and whaddya know - the boots were in there ! I did a little happy dance and went back into the house clutching my new find . Of course , in order to actually go outside , I had to get both boys dressed , put on their snow pants , put on their boots , get their coats on , then hats , then gloves , then make them stand around and wait while I put on a second pair of socks , my boots , my coat , a hat , and gloves . Then we could finally go outside . We had exactly 12 " of beautiful white powder on the ground - more than I 've seen at one time ( that I can remember ) in the 13 + years that I 've lived in Kansas , so I was having a ball ! I love snow - but only when it 's " real " snow , which I define as a minimum of 12 " . We played around in the snow and I took a bunch of pictures and then we went back around front so that I could shovel the sidewalks . I 'm not sure why I bother with shoveling . I mean really , no one else does it . I 've never bothered with it . But for some reason , after moving into this house , I 've been shoveling . It is good exercise - and it is good stress relief . But I can already tell that I 'll be feeling it later . Once we got done playing around outside , we came in and I started uploading the pictures that I had taken . I got a nice hot shower and changed into my official Domestic Goddess Attire - sweats , tshirt , and sweatshirt . The rest of the day up until now has been more of the usual - the never - ending laundry , picking up toys , straightening up , doing dishes , etc etc etc . . . But at the same time I 've also been processing a lot of things in my head . I 've been doing a little bit of online research into some ways to help me to reach the goals that I have , and although I wouldn 't say that I 'm feeling motivated , I 'm at least starting to formulate some plans in my head . My next step will be to get those plans down on paper ( or better yet into a document on the computer so that I don 't lose the paper ) so that I can figure out how to put them into action . My biggest thing right now is getting the house cleaned up - I bought and installed an 8 ' shelf in my laundry room yesterday , which is helping immensely , but I really just need to get moving - I bet if I seriously focused for one day ( or even one long evening ) , I could have this place done the way that I want it to be done . And then once the house is clean and organized , I 'll feel like I can concentrate on the other stuff . And now that I put it out here for the world to see ( or at least my 20 - something stalkers ) I have no choice but to do it . Yep . It 's all a part of the plan . . . . . . Now that the fog in my head is starting to lift and I have analyzed everything that has happened in the past couple of years or more to the point that it just can 't be analyzed anymore , I realize that I need to get on with my life . I 'm not " over it " - I don 't know that I ever will be - but I also know that as a single mother who is trying to survive , I have to start to function again . I have to live . There are so many things that I want to do . I have so many goals , but so many of them seem so hard to reach right now . Some are small , some are huge . And these are in no order , other than the order that I am thinking of them . 2 . I need to get ready for this half - marathon . I have put 7 pounds back on this past week ( thank you stress and Mother Nature , you little brat ) and I just can 't keep going up and down like that . 3 . Along with the half - marathon deal , I just need to be healthier in general . OK , I know that it 's a morbid thought , but now if anything were to happen to me , my youngest son would be lost . I have to keep myself healthy , for all of my kids and especially for him . And with no health insurance , I need to pay better attention to what I eat and what I do to my body . 4 . Finances . Yeah , my finances suck . I really need to focus on that , but I 'm not even going to go into detail there . Way too depressing . Maybe once I get my taxes filed , I 'll feel better about that situation . 5 . Crafty stuff - My ultimate dream is still to have a little shop of my own with my craft stuff , and to actually make a living at it . I know that at this point it 's a pipe dream , but it 's still a dream . So I will keep putzing around doing stuff here and there and selling it here and there and just enjoy being able to do it when I can . Like I said , I 'm not over it . Not even close . But I know that I have to get past it . So , I 'm going to go put a pot of coffee on , see if I can warm up a bit , and get started on the little things that will make me feel like I 'm getting back on track . This has probably been the best day that I 've had since getting the news . I went to church this morning with my youngest , and it was the first time that we have made it in quite a while . Everyone knew what happened and I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs and tears . It was comforting to be with such a wonderful group of people for both the service and the chili / chicken noodle soup luncheon afterwards . After we came home , I put a movie in and my son went to sleep on the couch . I cleaned up around the living room a little and then did my nails while I watched the movie . It was nice to just sit and do something that didn 't require a great deal of thought , and to have peace and quiet at the same time . It was really the first " alone time " that I 've had , and I really enjoyed it . Then we ran to the store to pick up a few things to go over to our friends ' house to watch the Super Bowl . And yes , even though I am from Pennsylvania , I was absolutely thrilled to see the Steelers lose - so sue me ! After it was over , I got to spend some quality time in the hot tub , talking and thinking out loud . Back home again , and the little one is asleep on the couch . I 'm sitting here playing around online , catching up with people on Facebook that I haven 't had a chance to talk to with all of the commotion that has been going on around here . My mind is still going in about a dozen different directions at any given time , but the fog is starting to lift from my brain . I know that I have to get past this , and our lives must go on . I am still struggling , and I know that I will continue to do so for a long time . I was thinking back to the last time I talked to my ex - husband , several months ago . I was brutally honest with him at that time and I said some things that he didn 't want to hear , but I still believe that they were the truth and they needed to be said and he needed to hear them . I still remember his responses to me and that conversation will haunt me until the day that I die . I will always wish that things had turned out differently . I wish that I had handled certain situations in a different way , or that I would have been able to deal with some things better . But what I have to keep reminding myself is that what happened can 't be changed . Even if I had done everything perfectly , the outcome may have been the same . I need to try to get past my own feelings of guilt and move on with my life and make a good life for not just our son , but all of my kids . Day by day , bit by bit , it will get easier . At least that 's what I keep telling myself when I feel a meltdown coming . . . . Today was another attempt at maintaining normalcy around here . I took the kids ( 4 of them , anyway ) to the final basketball game of the season ( yay ! ) and managed to limp the She - Beast home with her massive oil leak . After we got home , I started cleaning and doing the massive amounts of laundry that needed to be done . I lost track of how many I did , but I did at least get all 3 boys ' beds stripped and remade , a few loads of clothes done , and the towels are washing and drying as I type this . Luckily , a good friend showed up unexpectedly with her daughters , and while the kids played she helped me to do some cleaning and straightening up . It is times like this that make me realize how lucky I am - I might not have any family nearby , but my friends are incredible . Another friend brought dinner by as well . My oldest daughter has a friend spending the night , so the 3 girls are in the bedroom playing around for a while longer before I send them to bed . I had to throw a major temper tantrum to get them to all play nicely together - when one of my girls has a friend come over , she never wants the other sister to play with them and it always creates drama . Once I went off on them and threatened to send the friend back home , things calmed down considerably . Of course , in the middle of doing laundry , the dryer died again . Ugh . I crawled up onto the kitchen table - the only way I can reach the breaker box - and flipped all of the breakers off and on , and it still wouldn 't work . So I pulled the dryer out from the wall , unplugged it , and plugged it back in . Voila . It works . Stupid piece of crap . * grouch * Somewhere in the middle of all of this , I realized that today would have been Gramma 's 102nd birthday . She died in 1994 from cancer , and not a day goes by that I don 't think about her . She 's even the one who taught me how to do laundry back when I was a freshman in college and living with her and my aunt and uncle . Life was so much simpler then . She and I would load up our laundry in my 1976 Mustang II and head to the laundromat . While our laundry was washing , we 'd go to the pizza place next door and have pizza and soda and chat about life in general . Such good times . . . . . I feel like the fog that I 've been in for the past few days is starting to lift . I still have an occasional meltdown , but it 's getting easier to think and easier to breathe . I 'm planning on taking my youngest to church tomorrow , and there 's a dinner after , so we 'll have lots of time to visit with our church family . I 'm sure that there will be tears , but I know that 's next to impossible to avoid right now . Each day will hopefully get easier . I know I 've said it before , but my friends are amazing . I know that I couldn 't have made it through the past few days without you . Thank you for everything . So here I am , 48 + hours after hearing the news . I feel like I am starting to get my emotions somewhat under control , although I still have occasional meltdowns throughout the day . I think I have just hit the Numb Auto - Pilot stage - I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done . Regardless of what is going on in my head , I still have 5 kids to take care of , and with them comes their laundry and their baths and feeding them and getting them to school and all of that fun stuff . I have been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy , but it hasn 't been easy . I don 't even really know what to say tonight . I feel lost . I spent most of the day working for a lady who just got out of the hospital , doing some laundry and housekeeping for her , and the rest of the day was spent running kids back and forth to school and dealing with my own household stuff . Or , I should probably say avoiding my own household stuff . My house is trashed . I mean , really trashed . I have been in such a fog that the kids have torn just about every toy out of the toy box , there is still laundry all over the place ( would you believe that I am sitting on a pile of laundry that somehow ended up on my chair ? ) , and there is a massive amount of dishes to do . I just can 't bring myself to do any of it , but I have made up my mind that as soon as I post this , I 'm going to get to it . I will put a stupid movie in and get to work . The weekend will continue as usual . Up early tomorrow for basketball games , then back home with all of the kids . I have to try to convince my girls to clean their room as my oldest is having a friend come to spend the night and I will not tolerate their room looking the way that it does now . My 5 year old is going with his father tomorrow for at least part of the weekend , and then up early again on Sunday to send the three oldest to church with their father while I take the youngest to church with me , and then a dinner at the church after the service . So maybe , just maybe , I can have some quiet time Sunday afternoon with just my youngest , who is generally more than content to watch Thomas the Tank Engine movies and play with his trains . I 'm still feeling just totally overwhelmed by this whole thing . I got information from the family today about the funeral arrangements , and then found out that I was given wrong information - really ? Was that necessary ? Maybe it was just a mistake , but somehow I doubt it . I just need to let it roll off of me and let it go , but I really hate evil spiteful petty BS like that . It 's stupid and a waste of energy . Anyway . . . . * sigh * . . . . I need to get to work . Maybe if just clean up a little bit real quick , I can still be in bed before midnight . That 'll give me about 7 hours to sleep - more than I 've gotten in the last 2 days combined . This sucks . I don 't even know what to think right now . I 'm physically , mentally , and emotionally exhausted . Yet with the exhaustion , my mind is still going a billion miles a second . I woke up this morning and had to get the kids up and dressed and fed and ready for school . As I was making pancakes , the strangeness of the situation hit me . My ex - husband just died , and I was making pancakes , like I always do . Regardless of my inner turmoil , I still have to go on living . Life goes on . In between taking the three older kids to school and taking the two younger ones to playschool and then picking them up , and then getting the 5 year old on the bus for preschool , I was trying to clean and keep up with the almost constant phone calls and text messages and facebook posts that kept coming in . Thankfully I was able to talk to a friend who had been through this before - the death of an ex - and she assured me that the emotions are normal . I had no idea that I would hurt this much . I mean seriously , I divorced the guy . I didn 't want to be with him anymore . I wanted him out of my life . But did I want this ? Hell no ! I still always had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would become a good father , and now that glimmer has been permanently extinguished . He is never coming back . I got a call from one of his family members today , and suffice it to say that it wasn 't pleasant . While informing me that she wasn 't here to judge anyone , she made it damned clear that he had been in a severe depression because he wasn 't able to see our son , and that ultimately contributed to his death . Really ? He hasn 't even been gone for 12 hours , and you want to blame me for it ? Whatever lady - go ahead . Blame me if it makes you feel better . And now you want his family to have a " relationship " with my son ? Now that his father is dead ? Hello . . . what happened to the last 2 years , when you didn 't acknowledge his existence ? I got angry and said some things to her that I probably shouldn 't have said , broke down crying , apologized , yelled at her some more and apologized some more . I have way too many emotions going through my head right now for some virtual stranger to inform me that a family that is 1700 miles away wants to have a relationship with my son . I 'll make that decision eventually , but it 's not going to happen today . Or even tomorrow . I wish that I could just put everything that I 'm feeling into words . I have so much going through my head right now and I just can 't seem to make any sense of it . Why did this happen ? How ? How could someone who is 46 years old die of congestive heart failure ? I know that there 's a family history of heart problems , and I know that the alcohol and the smoking contributed to it , but still . . . 46 years old ? I can 't wrap my head around the enormity of this . I just can 't do it . I have about 14 loads of laundry to do , bedrooms to clean , sidewalks to shovel , kids to pick up , supper to make , baths to give . . . . and I can 't even figure out how to do any of it right now . Some of you know , but most of you don 't . I found out yesterday that my ex - husband ( the second one ) was taken to the hospital by ambulance . Through a series of messages today , I found out that his condition had deteriorated quickly - multiple organs were failing and he was on a ventilator . I packed up the kids and we went to our friends ' house to hang out , because I didn 't want to be at home alone when I got the word . At about 7 : 30pm my time I received another message - " He didn 't make it . " I looked at my phone and couldn 't breathe . I handed the phone to my friends so that they could see the message too , and I lost it . Completely and totally lost it . Our marriage was not a fairy tale story by any stretch of the imagination . We met online , we rushed into a relationship and we rushed into a marriage . We both had our demons - his was alcohol - but we tried to work past them . There were numerous times when the police were called to our home because the drinking had gotten out of hand , and he did a stint in rehab , but the lure of the alcohol was always too strong . Kicking him out for the final time was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life , but I had to protect myself and my kids . Since that time , I have had very little contact with him . I have not seen him in over a year and a half , and he has not seen our son in that long either . I told my girls about him being in the hospital first . I knew that I had to tell them - to prepare them - because I wasn 't sure how I was going to react when I found out that he was gone . They were devastated . So they knew as soon as I broke down at our friends ' house what had happened . I waited until we got home to tell my 6 year old . He didn 't fully grasp it , and I didn 't expect him to . I haven 't told my 5 year old yet , and I haven 't told our son . I have gone through a complete rollercoaster of emotions today . I am pissed off at him - I don 't know what the official cause of death was , but I 'm quite sure that alcohol played a part in it . Why couldn 't he just stop drinking ? Why was booze so damned important to him that he gave up his LIFE for it ? I am sad that our son will never know his father . He was not quite 2 years old when he left , and doesn 't even ask about him . He has never asked me why he didn 't have a daddy in his life , and now when he does , I have to tell him that his daddy is dead . I am devastated because even though our marriage wasn 't perfect , I still believed that deep down inside , there was a good man trying to get out . I still had that tiny little glimmer of hope that at some point , he would get the help that he needed and become a father to our son , even if from a distance . Now , any hope is gone . He is gone . I didn 't expect to feel this many emotions . I didn 't expect to have this horrible pain in my chest and the knot in my stomach and the eyes that are almost swollen shut from crying . Our divorce was just final 20 days ago , and I thought that the emotional rollercoaster was over . Sadly , I think I just got back on for another ride . I know that we will get through this . I know that we will be fine . But right now , I am hurting . I think I am hurting more than I ever have before . Not only am I still mourning the end of our marriage , but now I am mourning the death of a man with whom I was once crazy in love . Thanks to my post yesterday , I found out that there was another way to do the phone tethering thing . Turns out that there 's an app that lets you do it for free . . . . . so , needless to say , I am typing this on my computer , and then I do NOT have to email it to my trusty assistant , because I can post it by myself ! Yay me ! I did manage to get the She - Beast fixed today . The roads were horrendous to even get to my friends ' house ( less than a mile away , mind you ) but I got there and the boys went inside to play while I got to work - after I handed over two loaves of still - warm banana bread as " payment " for borrowing their garage and tools . As soon as I got under her , I could see that the pressure hose had come loose from the power steering pump . When I took it off the whole way , I saw that the o - ring had also been damaged . So I borrowed my friend 's car and ran to the auto parts store and got a new o - ring and a quart of power steering fluid . Once I got back , it took about 10 minutes to get it reassembled . It doesn 't * appear * to be leaking , so maybe , just maybe it 'll be ok , for at least a little while , for a grand total of $ 4 . 96 . While this little Adventure in Mechanic ' n was going on , the temperature was in the single digits outside and the wind was howling like Mother Nature had just discovered that not only had someone peed in her Wheaties , but they also dumped them on her head and then poked her in the eye . The wind was unreal , to say the least . Although we had a space heater going in the garage and it was out of the wind , it was still bitter cold . The snow didn 't even melt off of the She - Beast while I was working on her . Once I got home ( ah , to have power steering again ! ) I immediately got into the shower to try to thaw my feet out . The rest of my body was fine ( might have had something to do with the 4 layers of clothes ) but my feet were numb . It took several hours for my toes to get back to their normal size and color but they are feeling much better now , thankyouverymuch . Other than that , my afternoon / evening hasn 't been terribly exciting . I made some more banana bread to give to a friend ( in trade for some very yummy cinnabon buns , I might add ) and started cleaning out the toybox . I do need to finish doing that now that the boys are both asleep . All of the schools are cancelled again tomorrow , so I have to run out to pick up my older three from their dad 's house at some point in the morning so that they can be here for their usual Wednesday - but I 'm guessing that basketball and church will be cancelled and so the usual chaotic Wednesday won 't be quite as bad . Anyway , I 'm just so excited that I can now post these on my own , and so I 'm going to post it . Just because I can . Haha .